Announcements
We figured out who was stealing from Kiddish. It was Francine. And we are proud of our security team for taking her down and tackling her with rugulach in hand.
We want to thank our investigative team for noticing the member walking out with a shopping trolley full of Latkas Bakery baked goods. Why she took the egg salad is still a question nobody can answer. It tastes disgusting.
 
We are asking our congregants to smile. As we’re working on membership retention, we ask everybody to look as if they want to be at shul. We don’t believe there has been a look of non-anger coming from Pinchas since the guy has joined the shul.
 
People have been asking about the Thanksgiving menu. To celebrate America, the shul’s Thanksgiving dinner will consist of Kugel, borscht and Kishka. And pastrami.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Spot a Thief with a Granny Cart Full of Food- Discoveries in Detective Work by Our Shul's Security Task Force. How to Smile- How to Make it Look Like You’re Not Angry at Everybody at Shul. How to Smile Part Two- Joining Another Shul. What Makes a Food American- Our Congregants and Their Understanding of American Cuisine.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
After kicking him out, Avimelech comes to show Yitzchak some love, because Yitzchak has money... If you want people to love you, you need money. (Bereishit 26:28) Avimelech and his friends say, “We see that H’ is with you. And we said, ‘Let the oath between us be between us and you, and let’s make a covenant...” When you have money, you get covenants. Nobody is making a covenant with Chaim, who hasn't paid his dues... Here's a covenant. We'll call it paying your membership. 
Yitzchak rightfully asked (Bereishit 26:27) “Why have you come? You all hate me, and you sent me out.” Sounds like dealing with our neighbors in the Middle East and our board meetings...

But they go on and they tell us the truth of anti-Semites... Not that they think Jews can’t play basketball. (Bereishit 26:29) They continue, “If you do with us evil... Just as we haven’t molested you, and as we have done with you only good and sent you away in peace. Now you blessed of Gd.” That’s the kindness of an anti-Semite. "Well thank you for not molesting me.” If they do everything but kill you. Pogroms, forcing us from our homes, calling us cheap, congregants... You are cheap... You can be loved if you are a good Jew who does Mitzvahs too. Sometimes...
Sending away in peace means sending you off without molesting you. That’s kindness.

Sometimes it’s what they do to our land. They take our wells. As if that’s an act of kindness. When it comes to Jews, they're doing kindness. “We didn’t kill you. We just took all of your stuff.”
They want to hurt us... The only reason why not is a covenant with Avraham. They want that blessing of Gd. It’s hard to hate Jews, unless if you’re a member of our congregation.
And Avimelech doesn't even see it as antisemitism. It's accepted. It's normal. Like people showing up late to Minyin...

Avimelech sees the blessing of Gd. Where do the Jews see the Bracha? It is Rechovot where we see the blessing. (Bereishit 26:22) “For now H’ has made expanded space for us, and we can be fruitful in the land.” Rachav. Expanded.
Only once we have that space, can we be fruitful.
They were able to make a well there.
Let’s focus on our Bracha... That didn’t happen. Let’s focus on why we have no Bracha. No wells.
No Bracha in this shul. Absolutely no space. Those new joint chair shtenders. No arm room. Got Matt right behind you, breathing on you... Oh. He uses Crest. Did not know. Thank you, Shlomo. Crest is a blessing sometimes. Count your blessings.

They focus is us. Our focus is a place to serve Gd...
Only loving us when we are successful. Sounds like what Israel and our people deal with every day. But our shul is not successful. We don’t have cattle and herds. I don’t see a well anywhere in our community, or a feeding trough... All I see is people gorging at Kiddish... When people like and appreciate us here in Topeka, they are truly lovers of Jews. We must accept them.
But we need that blessing of expanded space. That is what we need for antisemitism to come to us and to want to be friends.
We know our enemies. Every committee in this shul... But Yitzchak’s focus is his Bracha for his people. Space. Not money. Space to do Mitzvot. To not steal our wells...

We found the perpetrators of the Kiddish thievery. Our own Philistines...
Stealing the egg salad is not a crime. That stuff is disgusting. If somebody walked into Shlomo’s house and took his clothes, that would not be stealing. That would be doing him and his wife a favor. They’re disgusting... A three-piece tweed. Tweed, Shlomo. Who wears tweed?! How do you have space for tweed?!... Not a blessing from Gd. Nobody likes people in tweed...
It was a granny cart. In shul. On Shabbis. It doesn't take a security team to figure this out. And no need to take Francine down. She's ninety-three.
If you figured out who was making the disgusting egg salad, that would be something to figure out. An investigation... They think they're Dragnet. "There's been an assault on the leftover herring."

Our Bracha comes from goodness. Greet everybody with a nice countenance... That’s not me. That’s Pirkei Avot. A nice countenance is what I don’t see here.
Nobody in this shul smiles. Like you’re mad to see people at shul. You come here and it looks like you’re taking care of your kids... You can't have a quorum of just yourself. That's not how quorums work. Bernie.
You chase people away. It looks like you want to kill them. And I can understand. Even with all the Bracha, with egg salad like that... The eggs chase people away from the shul.
Nobody can smile after they eat the Kiddish egg salad...

And when we have the Bracha, we celebrate. We make a covenant...
How we celebrate Thanksgiving is messed up. With deli. Like the Pilgrims descended on the Lower East Side... How is Kishka American?!...
Pastrami is not American. It’s deli... Delis in America do have it. Pizza is American... I was joking. Pasta and pizza are not American. Neither is chicken curry... I know Americans eat it. But...
Like the first words spoken in America were “Oy!”
The pilgrims weren't kicked out by Avimelech... They were fleeing the British. That's why they changed it from salt beef to corned beef. And that is why we eat Kosher Reuben sandwiches on Thanksgiving...

We should be blessed to build a well. To be in Rechovot. To be In Be’er Sheva. To antisemitism...
And this is why the Kansas City Chiefs lost last week. No Bracha. I think we’ll get blamed for that.

Are we looking for Bracha or love?! You will never get love here... Because our congregants are all broke. With messed up egg salad.
But we may find Bracha. If the members would give Sadie a little more room for her arms. These new chairs...
Shalom!!! Peace!!!

Rivka's Rundown
So now we know about antisemitism. And our congregants are the reason.
They're only nice to us when we're successful. That's why the nonJewish community here hates us.
But then they hate us when we're successful. We just can't be successful around them or not around them. It's confusing. I think it's like the rabbi said. It's because of Bernie.

The Christian inspirational speakers preach about money, and that is how they're blessed. Our rabbi speaks of people staying away from him and giving him space.

When the rabbi said count your blessings, people started actually counting. They thought it was a task.
We have no Bracha because the chairs in our shul are too small. This was the first time I ever heard the rabbi advocate for pews.

Shlomo sits in front of Matt. That's how he knows he uses Crest. The rabbi went off on him for not using Tiadent on Shabbis. The reason being that Tiadent is so potent, it kills all germs and makes it hard to talk. Which the rabbi feels is a blessing.
The rabbi pulled Baruch aside at Kiddish and let him know women might like him if he used Tiadent. Nothing about cologne. Just Tiadent. The rabbi had to explain that cologne in the mouth does not taste good.

It turns out they were using water in the egg salad. Water and cumin. Water makes cumin taste worse. A discovery made by our congregants. In Argentina, they came on dolce de leche by accident. In our shul, the sisterhood came on another bad recipe.

We had some detective work going on with the Kiddish thief fiasco. People stuck around after Kiddish last week to see what happened. They figured it out. It was Francine. The janitor took some too. He was the culprit, and he downed some of the gefilte fish. We all know.
The crazy thing is that they threw out the stuff they didn’t want. Who doesn't like the bottom of a babka?! It's the best part. Crystalized sugar with cinnamon. Amazing. If you have any taste, you smuggle the babka bits. And to be honest, that was very bothersome.
This week, Francine still snuck food out in her purse. This is why we don’t allow purses at shul. And we also know our congregants aren't giving donations.
Figuring out who was eating at Kiddish is the greatest piece of security work our Congregants on Patrol Security Force has done. They are taking a lot of pride in taking down a ninety-year-old who's hungry.
They had a celebration for their first sting operation.
​
Shlomo’s style is off with the tweed. He can also use a barber.
Lashon Hara is wrong. But we are helping Shlomo here. Everybody knows, so it’s not Lashon Hara. And that is why people have been meeting up to discuss Shlomo's life all week. 
It's nice that the shul is coming together to talk about how Shlomo is such a Yutz, and how they want to help him. And everybody talked, and catch this, now everybody thinks Shlomo is a Yutz. And that is how our community helps people.

Thanksgiving at our shul is a great way to celebrate European cuisine.
I didn't understand that corned beef is salt beef. The Puritans protested by using corn for everything. That was their protest against Britain. Now we know the reason for bourbon. 

The class on smiling was just awkward. Getting these people to smile is more painful than sitting next to Sadie. It was even more painful than having to look at Shlomo's tweed.
The most forced thing I ever saw. Fran smiling. I had nightmares. Our congregants smiling is not a Bracha.

People are worried. They have no idea what they can say to my Jewish friends. I will tell you, I've never said anything that has not bothered my brethren.
Here are things you shouldn’t say to your Jewish friends who love their people, especially now. Something I've learned from experience.

"I heard this on the BBC."
Anything on from the BBC. You want to bother your Jewish brothers and sisters, repeat anything you heard on the BBC. Anything within the last hundred or so years.
You can also mention CNN, MSNBC or anybody reporting the news that is not JNS.

"The British Parliament voted for..."
Quote the British Prime Minister. Anything he says. There's something about that accent that yells, "I hate Jews."
With that in mind, bring up JD Vance. Since his trip to Israel there's not one Jew that likes that guy. He’s the one unifying factor among the right and left-wing Jews.
Better yet, quote anybody. Something anti-Semitic will come out.
Even better. Say you support UNRWA.
Wait. Even better. Quote any guest that Piers Morgan brought on to argue with Douglas Murray.

"I don't think it's important to be in Israel. Their problems are their problems."
That sounds like an American Jew who supports Israel.

"I got a good deal on a flight to Israel."
Everybody will hate you.

"I got a good deal on Jewish day school."
They will hate you even more.

"I got a good deal on brisket."
They will hate you. And then ask you how that happened.

"I voted for Mamdani."
I don’t believe your Jewish brothers and sisters will appreciate you for trying to save on rent. I see how savings fits our cause as a people. I don't see how that helps Israel, yet.

"I got a raise."
Nobody wants to hear that right now. Especially when they just lost their job due to rent stabilization.

"Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson."
Just those names. I got a twitch just hearing that. Take a moment. Listen to that again. "Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens." I just got a crick in my neck.
Those two. It's now tradition to spit when hear their name. And then to throw in a Yiddish curse. Which helps bring up more phlegm.
And then say, "It is true. Because Candace said it." Oh. That will really piss them off.

"You're invited to my son's Bar Mitzvah."
Oh shoot. That's going to kill the weekend.

"I'm getting honored."
Oh shoot. I already made plans. Wish you would've told me earlier. “I didn’t tell you when I was getting honored.” I have plans for that day.

"Since October Seventh the number of Jews keeping Shabbis and putting on Tefillin..."
Maybe it's me. I don't want to hear anything positive about October Seventh. I am a fan of mourning. I like keeping things negative and me out of trouble.
These people seem so happy. Nothing fazes them. Like the war is the greatest Jewish outreach program ever created. "All these Jews are now saying Shema every day. And the religious unity. The amount of Kiruv Rechokim. B"H for Gaza."
They go off on how everybody came together. That was until they found out the Charedim, ultra-orthodox, aren't doing the army. That was a shocker. It was a surprise because they saw the Charedim putting on Tefillin, and yet they hadn't been to Gaza.
They finally found a way to unite Jews. Thanks to Hamas. As if up to this point, antisemitism hasn't done its job of bringing Jews together. But thank Gd for suffering. The more we suffer, the more we see people putting on Tzitzit and Tefillin.

"It happened because Jews were fighting and sinning."
Anything about October Seventh bothers me. I believe in the Torah and how Gd controls the world. Just don't tell me about it.
Everybody is thinking it, waiting for you to flinch and say it. Don't. I'm waiting for one of those rabbis to come out and say it's because of the sinners, so that he can establish himself as a legitimate Kabbalist.
Any thoughts on hostages, that will anger people. We want them good and safe, and their families well. That should be all you're allowed to say. That should be a law: No sharing your thoughts. That would truly bring about Jewish unity. War is not necessary. Just no sharing what you think. Only share thoughts on Bibi. That's it.
If Jews didn't share their opinions we would have Shalom. If I never knew what Menachem was thinking, I might like the guy.

"My parents are coming to visit."
​Do you know how many Jewish marriages were ruined the past year because of that statement.

"We're going to Florida for Yeshiva Week."
Just confirming your vacation is ruined and you will not be able to enjoy walking down Surfside.

"All is good in Israel."
Nobody wants to hear things are good. That just makes things worse. Nothing is good!!!

"The price of Kosher meat is not that bad. I got brisket at twenty-five dollars a pound."
Now we can't complain and that bothers us. It's crazy expensive and we can't complain.
Say the brisket pun. "How do you perform a circumcision? With a Bris Kit" That will galvanize the community in hatred. You can also repeat your jokes like any of the membership at my shul. You will elicit a lot of anger. The more you repeat it, the more self-hatred you will bring forth.

"There's this great new Kosher smokehouse."
Thank you for killing delis for all of us.

"The war is over. I think the ceasefire..."
That's a great way to get everybody going at each other, while presenting their political platforms and announcing their candidacy for Knesset at the Shabbat table.
"Ceasefire" means the war will never end. And for some reason, that bothers people.

"I hate Jews."
For some reason that still bothers us.

You sneezing.
Any noise coming out of an orifice since COVID will get a lot of nasty looks. Why? Because your sneezing is going to kill everybody at shul. Want to really get everybody mad and cursing you out, cough.
Allergies. That will get you kicked out of the Jewish community.

"My kids moved to Israel."
Why can't you just stop there?! Why do we have to now hear about the grandkids and how much they love Bnei Akiva?!
Your Nachis. Nobody wants to hear your Nachis. If there is one thing that bothers people more than your opinion on Dead Sea salinization, it's the pride you take in your family.

"I am dedicating our vacation down in Florida to Israel."
Somehow, that doesn't help Israel.

"This is what I think Charedim should be doing..."
Nobody wants to know your political opinions right now.
There is a way out of getting in trouble for this statement. You can join the army, serve in Tzahal for three years, and then you can make this statement. With a little commitment, you can also hate Charedim.

That's a fairly exhaustive list. I hope it helps. Just try to stay away from sharing your opinions or sneezing.
You're going to mess up. If you talk, you're going to mess up, and you will remain single. But try. Try to wait for them to mess up and share their opinions on Israel and the new high-speed train from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem first.

Now that Zohran Mamdami is mayor, the question is what should New York Jews do. Now that an anti-Semite is running the city, it's hard to figure out if the city that has been so Jewish friendly will still have delis. I'm sorry. I know many Jews voted for Mamdani, and they will be offended by me calling him an anti-Semite. And I understand that just because somebody says that everybody in Israel should die doesn't make them an anti-Semitic. I shall rephrase. It's scary having such a Jew hater running the New York City government.
Don't worry. I shall help you. Here are some things you can do as a New York Jew.

Move. Move anywhere. Move to New Jersey. It will at least give you a couple of years of feeling like Americans like you.

Enjoy a deli sandwich. New York delis are the one thing you still have. Go to Essen New York Deli before it goes down to Florida, or goes Halal by law. 
You know Mamdani is going to take the Kosher deli and say the Jews stole it from the Arabs. As an act of social justice, he's going to reappropriate Kosher. Yes. I do harp on the fact the guy wants to destroy Israel. For some reason, that affects my thinking. I am Jewish.
To note, pastrami on rye tastes different down in Florida. The water isn't as good.

Pray. Mamdani became mayor because H’ wants you to say Tehillim.
Since the ceasefire, things were going too well for a month. The news was getting real boring, and we thought people liked us again. So, we stopped believing in Gd. Life was looking too good. Some even stopped saying Tehillim. B"H Mamdani is now mayor, and we have a reason to pray again.
Who needs Gd when life is good? The ones getting screwed over. 

Rethink your Judaism. If you're not, you are not woke enough. If you don't hate yourself, you should be questioning what kind of Jew you are.
Before we go on, I want to thank the good Jews of New York who voted for Mamdani. The thirty percent of Jews voted for him. Which means that seventy percent of the New York Jews are not ashamed of themselves, and thus not good Jews.

Enjoy the free stuff. Is there anything more Jewish. Is there any greater Bracha than free food. Did getting the free school Kosher food packages not make COVID worth it. Do we need more proof that Karl Marx had Jewish ancestry. Do we need more proof that Mamdani is an anti-Semite. Running on the platform of everything being free, just to get the Jewish vote. Oh. It's good to have an anti-Semite in office.

Wear a Bigger Kippah. Those huge knit Carlebach and Na Nach Kippahs look like a Jewish Kufi. That should be safe. It helps when they can't figure out why they hate you. 
​And Frum women should wear the snood and Tichel head scarf, or Jewish Keffiyeh. Keep them guessing. 
Baseball hats are not safe anymore. Religious Jews have depended too long on those for protection against Jew hatred. A Jew should not be going undercover as a citizen of the United States with a visor and Payis. It’s suggested and safer to go around America undercover as somebody who hates America. A COVID mask and a Keffiyeh around the neck as an Ashkenazi Jew should do the job. 
Note of Safety: Make sure you wear your Jewish Kufi in the right neighborhoods. Keep your baseball hat in the car for American loving neighborhood safety. There are still people who love America a bit too much. And those people can be dangerous. 

Worry. That’s an activity and a Jewish tradition. I’m just trying to help. Trying to give you something to do. And I feel like a better Jew sounding like an anti-Semite. 

If you voted for Mamdani, study what it means to be an anti-Semite. That is an activity that will keep you busy for the next few years. Maybe write a doctoral thesis on how free stuff makes somebody a lover of Jews. 
Study the dichotomy found in how one can be a Jew hater, even when bringing down their rent. 

Maybe push for free Kosher stuff. We should be protesting the cost of Kosher. Some have said, "Let's wait and see what happens with the new mayor." The truth is yet to be seen. Will Mamdani have a free Kosher supermarket?! Is there a budget that can handle that?! The answer is “no.”

Move to Florida. It’s what you're going to do as a New Yorker. Now you can do it earlier. 
Even if you stay in New York, retire now. You will make more money not working.
Historical Note: Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move Israel. A much better job than the Jewish Agency. We have to thank the Jew haters. Nothing does more for Aliyah than violence against Jews. And a true Mamish anti-Semite running New York, there’s no greater Bracha.

Make Aliyah. That was a joke. What kind of fool would do that. Of course, I meant move to Florida.
I'm sure Essen Hollywood New York Florida Deli will be good.

Boy. I love Jew haters. It's hard to get out of loving the free stuff. I'm going to join all those protests where people wear a mask. If I get off on rent, I am leading the anti-Israel movement. From the Statue of Liberty to Brooklyn New York will be free.

Title:   Gazawood
 
Genre: Benny Hill meets M.A.S.H. in Gaza
                         Reality Series for Streaming Services. So that people have access
                         even if their government will murder them.
 
Log-line: Town of Gazans in Gaza. All are Hamas and Palestinian Authority Terrorists. Telling the world Israel has killed every Gazan, and somehow, they are alive, all is caught on camera.

SYNOPSIS
Any scene from Gaza works. It's funny. We take the scene and add Benny Hill music to it. Episodes are five minute and they all end with a chase in circles to the Benny Hill theme song.
Every show leads in with kids playing and cheering, "Kill the Jews," to Hamas Barney TV show songs of education. Song goes, "Brushing my teeth on top. It's so much fun that I don't want to stop. Cause when I'm brushing my teeth and having so much fun, I shoot the Jews with my gun." And kids cheer. And parents Schepp Nachis.

EPISODES
Episode 1 - Funeral Goes Wrong Because the Guy Is Alive
Funeral is taking place on road. Professional videographers are on the scene taking footage of the funeral. The dead person is in shrouds, under a cover, being carried to their funeral on a stretcher. A sign on the stretcher reads, "Israel killed me." A helicopter passes above. The videographers drop their cameras and start running. The people holding the deathbed drop it and start running. Camera is fixed on dropped deathbed. Guy lifts sheet, jumps out of deathbed, with Nikes and jeans. Benny Hill theme music comes on. He looks both ways and starts running after the videographers and the people who dropped him, along with the funeral attendees, waving his shrouds at everybody.
End of episode. Same guy dies again and picks up the sheet he is covered in at his funeral. He says, "This was my fifth time dying. Why can't I get a better role." He looks both ways and starts running again, to the Benny Hill music.
The BBC reports the Jews kill another innocent man. Death toll is up to fifteen million Gazans.

Episode 2 - Terrorists Are Warned There Are Terrorists in Their Homes
We see the local Gazans going into their homes. Pamphlets are dropped from the sky to warn them that there is a terrorist in their homes. On their phones, they read, "mass murders in your building." They look at each other weird, to see who is the other terrorist. Everybody starts running out of building with rockets, guns, and RPGs, including women and children. All wearing masks. Some masks read Hamas, some say PA. They start chasing each other outside. Benny Hill music comes on as they are chase. They put down their weapons in peace and start throwing rocks at each other. Some of the stones are huge.
Peace is made, as they all hug, with brotherly conversations of "You're a terrorist too?!" And then they execute each other, and the crowd of Gazans cheers and runs in excitement and joy to their people being executed by their own people, to Benny Hill theme song. 
They set up cameras to video the building blowing up. Camera catches building blowing up. Woman walks in front of camera and says, "They justa killed me." And then they all start running again.

Episode 3 - Sinwar Out of Hiding
Sinwar is dressed in burqa with full hijab as woman with a beard. Crossdressing in rundown apartment that has been through war, he turns to camera with stunned look. The classic Benny Hill dressed as a woman sketch.
Sinwar then tries to avoid being seen by the person taking the video, which catches it all. He and the people around him start running to Benny Hill music.

Episode 4 - The Missile Goes the Wrong Way
Everybody is relaxing in homes. Men take off their Hamas masks, and are playing backgammon on wooden boards. Women are seen taking off their burqas, relaxing over baklava for Middle Eastern tea time.
Outside Hamas guys crawl out of the ground from under a postpartum unit of a birthing hospital. In the unit, people are watching children's shows with little Hamas kids saying "kill the Jews." They take aim at Tel Aviv with a missile. They are excited to shoot the missile. A little baby in Hamas mask gives a thumbs up to the Hamas guys threw a window.  
Missile goes the wrong way into a building. Everybody runs out of the building. Benny Hill theme song is playing. Some women end up running out of a building without their burqas. Hamas guys in building run out with their masks in hand, waving them. Everybody is chasing the Hamas guys who shot the missile. The people who got killed in the earlier episode are running out of the building.
News report reads, "Israel genocide of Gaza births more babies. Gazan population grows thanks to Israeli genocide."

Episode 5 - The Starving People
Everybody is starving. Protesters from everywhere show up with signs reading "people are hungry," while they are enjoying a barbeque.
Hamas guys are seen taking the food from the food disbursement sites, and running away with it. Hamas guys are in huge warehouse of food, eating lavish meal at table, along with all the people who are "starving." The starving people are well overweight. With pitas all over and "starving" people gorging on humus and chopped meat, they all see a video camera come in with a news anchor from CNN. They can't kill the guy, because he supports them. They look up at the camera, shocked. They start running. Benny Hill music comes on. Everybody is chasing the news people with guns. Then they all end up at the food support center, chasing a Jew who is trying to feed the Gazans. To Benny Hill theme, CNN reports Jews are creating a famine and starving the people of Gaza.

Episode 6 - Dead Body Found in Rubble
Funeral being videoed by Pallywood videographers. We see the outtakes. Everybody is laughing, as the dead guy lifts his sheet. Benny Hill music comes on and they run to funeral and drop the guy.
Next, they take a body in shrouds out of a building, bury it with a bulldozer. They are coaching each other on how to make it look like it was really buried. So, they put a bunch of dirt on it. One says, "Dis good." Red Cross gives thumbs up. The leader says, "Get the shovels. Now we dig it up." The guy with shovel says, "We barely covered the body. I just pull it out." Leader responds, "No. We dig. It show we had him buried." The guy takes one shovel of dirt and that puts down the shovel and lifts the body.
Whole Red Cross team there. Drone camera from above catches them all in the act. The whole thing. They all look up. They scream, "Oh. Sheet." Which is a four letter word in the Middle East. They start running to Benny Hill music. Some are carrying the dead body. And then they drop it. And the dead body starts running.
Red Cross guy on TV says, "We saw nothing." Hamas guys are saying, "We respect the dead. It's part of our religious duty." Middle of interview, Benny Hill music comes on and they all start running in circles, chasing each other.

***For show to work we need rights to the Benny Hill theme song.

Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered.

Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace.
 
The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. 

Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. They all agreed that's not a good way to continue Hamas.

Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day.

Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. 
Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.”
Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel.
And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews.

Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace.
 
Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!”

Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this."
 
Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. 
That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody."

Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too.
Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor.
The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on.
How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide.

Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming.
 
There are New York Jews who want to vote who hates Jews and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish.

Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate.
My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide.
For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to.
Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement.

Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education.
 
All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace."
 
Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime.
When it comes to taking a terrorist as a prisoner and feeding them, the correct term according to the BBC is now "hostage." As was reported, the prisons in Europe and America are now full of rapists and murderer hostages.
Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people.
And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia.

And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe.

Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City.
Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.”

UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize.

Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel.

And the Chardim are the reason for all of this.

I just learned you can say anything about Jews. Can't say it about anybody else. But Jews. You can blame a whole race, a whole nation, for somebody not making room for you on the sidewalk. A Mexican cuts you off, it's the Jews. 
I heard The Young Turks going off on Jews. And I realized, they are so happy Hamas and the BBC have given them the green light since October 7th
People heard Hamas saying how happy they were they killed Jews and your neighbor was saying, “Finally. I can say it. I hate these people. If we could just get rid of them, housing values will double.” Anti-Semites started popping up everywhere. Your neighbor, the guy you share a cubicle with, all of France. They popped up even at the circus. I went to see some acrobats and they were shooting a Jew out of the canon. 
The hatred is there and the world has justified it. Let me share some things you can say about Jews, but not any other people. Maybe because the other people aren't Jewish. But that's not the point.

"I want to kill you. We all want you dead. Your whole people should die. Your whole people is annoying."
This is fine because you're saying it about Jews. How "annoying" made its way in there. No idea. But you should be able to kill people for biting their nails.

"Everybody hates you because you're Jewish. Get out of here. Jew! Nobody wants you."
You can't say this about other people, because they're not Jewish. I think that's something we'll have to accept. They also haven't been kicked out of every country. 
If you could say this about other people it would be a lot of fun. More Massacre might be necessary.

"You are murderers."
How does this work? You're allowed to kill us. But when you fail, we're blamed for that?!
Truth is that Jews should be blamed for all homicide. Son of Sam. Is he not Jewish with a father named Sam?... Wait. I just looked that up. David Berkowitz is Jewish. Let's move onto the next one.

"You're Jewish scum. Everybody loathes you. You're hated by the world. Everybody wants you dead. You're swine."
Wouldn't one of those have been enough?
I think that's what Ana Kasparian of "The Young Turks" said. It did sound very nice and comforting, as it was in a soft tone. I appreciate that. Truth is, it's tone that's offensive.
Anything The Young Turks say, you can say that nowadays and people are like, "That's right." It's fine for Turks to say that. And you have to empathize with them. In 1934 the Turkish government kicked out all Jews and got rid of them. And then you have to see them in America. That's not easy. That's a reason to kill them. I think we can agree with that. 
Canada understands. They did their job when they kept out refugees from the Holocaust . I believe the quote went, "None is too many." But that has to make you question, "Who do you murder at that point?!"

"You steal land."
How we steal our own land is regretful. How a Jew can live in Israel and not feel like a thief and a murder. 
And then some Jews have the gall to say that Israel is their homeland. Shame.
Where should Jews live? Well. Not in Europe or the Middle East. Or America. I think the real problem here is Jews.

"You can't drive."
This isn't right. They're taking racial epithets against Asians and using it against us. You shouldn't be misappropriating hatred like that.

"Cheap. Your people are cheap."
It's true. Who doesn't like shopping at Marshalls. And you should hate people shopping at Marshalls. Especially people you see at the clearance rack. Because they're Jewish. Which is another reason to go to Marshalls and shop at the clearance rack. It's a good place to express your hatred of Jews.

"You smell bad. You can't play basketball. Your people are the worst at badminton. The way you drink coffee is annoying."
Have you ever seen my family drinking coffee with a straw, when it gets to the end of the cup?! It's annoying.

"You control the media. You run Hollywood. You control the airlines."
What happened to the good old days when antisemitism was positive?! When antisemitism focused on what Jews had. Those were good days.
You don't want people forgetting Mein Kampf. And how many people know the sequel? A Mein Kampf sequel?! There was a public demand for more Kampf?! I think Kampf might have had some swine in there too. I think the swine part is where that book went wrong in its expression of Jew hatred. If it would've just focused on the fact that Jews run the banks, all would've been good.
You know it's all in jest when you're quoting passages from Mein Kampf.

"You all slaughter people. You think you're entitled and you steal our tax dollars."
You need a reason to kill Jews. Otherwise, you might feel bad hearing a Jew was murdered. Even worse, if you think Jews are kind and charitable, you may not want to kill them. And that is unforgivable.
And you can say it because they're Jews.

"You drink Christian blood. People want to drink your blood."
Let's bring the libel back up. You want this one back out there, just in case there is a chance people might start liking Matzah, and Streit's starts getting more business. And then, the Jews are also running the Matzah business.

"You run the roller coaster at Six Flags."
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"Slavery. Jews are the reason slavery." 
Might as well blame the Jews for that.

"You are bad at making decisions. Jews can't choose what to order."
If you say that with the right amount of hatred, you'll have a whole restaurant attacking a Jew. Maybe if you had a bit of empathy, you would realize we're bad at deciding what to order because we're cheap.
It's not easy to figure out the best deal on the menu at a pizza shop. Then there's special requests. Sometimes, they're offering coleslaw, and you want a burger as the side. And then they have that part where it says, "Ask the waiter." Am I not supposed to ask the waiter? I follow rules. And what about "du jour"? What does that mean? 

"You say you're the chosen people. You're not even Jews."
They're not even blaming us. I don't see this as antisemitism. They don't really hate us. They hate some other Jewish people.
Come to think of it, this is the most offensive one. I have a right to identify as I want.

This screaming at Jews and telling Jews you hate them sounds like a lot of fun. Telling a whole nation you hate them is very cathartic. I get why people like to do it. It's always good to tell people you hate them. It brings joy. It brings the world together.
I want to get into some of those college protests and tell people I hate them. Or I can go to the next board meeting at my shul. Either way, I have some new things  I learned about Jews that I can tell them.

I did hear somebody say that all Guatemalans should die and be raped. I didn't jump on the bandwagon because they're not Jewish. And I think that would be wrong. Because they're not Jewish. I feel it is important to defend that point of view. Only Jews should be attacked. The world only needs one people to hate at a time.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about dogs drinking coffee, Siddur holders in the back of his neck at shul and how he is mad at Kibbutz Lavi carpentry, all while trying to figure out why all these Hamas supporters have COVID with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new style for Tisha BAv with his Converse All-Stars and extremely ugly socks.

Stuff is messed up and the world is against us. They're blaming us for everything. The news...
The Gazan Death Toll is now up to eight million. (pause for laugh- when no laugh make sure they know it's a joke- audience may not be educated and hate Jews and say eight million people live in Gaza- audience may be UN staff- be clear I'm mocking inflated death toll numbers when I say death toll- I wouldn't laugh at people dying Chas vShalom- one death is too much and I pray suffering ends- maybe go into speech and abandon bit- let them know I care about all life- though it may offend them let them know I'm laughing at deaths where people didn't die- maybe do group prayer before moving into bit- Psalm 121 here and they'll be ready to laugh- King David has that affect- if they think it's just a mocking the lies coming out of Gazans and the UN then continue like it was a comedy bit about what it is- maybe add joke "There were more total war tragedies on death toll by December 2024 than May 2025- and people still don't believe in resurrection")
How do they come up with those numbers? "Pneumonia. Caught cough from Israeli. Another one dead. That's thirty." (pause for laughs- I think I should leave out the pausing notes) They're not very good at math. Each death is eighty on the toll. That's what you get with bad education.
It happened during war, it's because of war. "We're going to miss Abu Fij. He was ninety-nine. Died in his sleep. Israelis... Tack on seventy for that one." They're blaming Israelis for COVID now. That's why Hamas wears those masks. They're worried they're going to catch COVID. (I hope I remembered to pause for laughs- maybe I should’ve left in “pause for laughs” notes) College protestors understand the seriousness of Hamas’ cause, that’s why they wear medical masks. (let them know I’m not mocking COVID- and I am not saying COVID is a terrorist organization) 

We've got to do better with world opinion.
Americans see it on CNN, it's fact. People hear stuff on BBC. They believe it because of that accent. Hamas statement, "Twelve million dead." Proof. Twelve. He said it. I believe it's up to twelve million since we started this bit. (remember- it's about delivery- make sure to nail the punches on death toll jokes)
Anchor. "Bibi built the tunnels." "You see. Told you!"
"Word just in from Hamas. Israel started California wildfires." "Hollywood. Knew it."
"We're reporting to you from the Temple Mount in Tel Aviv. Jews have now occupied the Temple Mount." "I told you the Jews were occupying Tel Aviv... Worse. They're protecting themselves."
Protecting ourselves is now a war crime. "Patriots... Shooting those missiles."

I don't think the news is on our side. Just guessing. They're throwing stuff out there. "And Israelis dropped a bomb in Japan." "They'll go for it."
You can't argue anymore. They're quoting kindergartners as proof, "Three plus one Zionist devil, makes four Zionist devils." Whatever that means. Somehow math books are against us. "You see. I told you they drink blood."
We've got to do better with world opinion. It's bad when they've turned you into a hateful slur. "Zionist!!!" "Yep. I believe that. I believe the Jewish homeland is the Jewish homeland. Call me crazy. If you have to, call me a Zionist. I must be an idiot, but that is the Jewish homeland, because it's the Jewish homeland."

We are so bad with world opinion. We look like idiots. 
Hamas looks amazing. They're tacking on deaths. They've got videographers with 10K res. (POV Palestinian videographer) "Let's get him dying in the sand castle this time. The last one with his mom crying. It was good. I think we can kill him better. I think if we... Let's go for the head chop off scene again. One more take... Take death number eight for Ichmad... Got to hurry. We're only on death number nine."
One kid died fourteen times. Dying once is bad enough. Can you imagine dying fourteen times... That's commitment.
We can't win. This whole Pallywood thing, where they kill their own people for good action shots. They're shooting out in Sudan. Taking the Gazan stars overseas to shoot the film short about the kid dying again. This kid’s family is schepping Nachis. The pride. The kid is pulling in Pollmmy Awards for his role as "The Kid Who Died Again." "And this year’s award for best death. Will it be Ichmad for his role in dying in a building with the Hamas guy. Or will it be Ichmad in dying again because of the Zionist Devil. Or will it be Ichmad in his role as The Suicide Bomb Kid."
Maybe they just can't find more actors. "And best film goes to The Suicide Bomb Kid: The Live Short Documentary." "Best supporting actress, to Fatima in Suicide Bomb Kid for her role as the girlfriend he met after he killed himself for the sixth time."
It's fine. The kid is still alive. Don't worry.
Ichmad is coming for his acceptance speech. "I couldn't have done it without Mrs. Kadini and her kindergarten class on the Zionist Devil who I have to kill. The cartoons about slaughtering Jews were truly inspirational."

Even Biden is like, "Something is off. I may not be totally with it, but... According to my calculations, one death per person. I think..."
I feel for the kids. For a kid to have to get killed fourteen times. It's abusive and wrong. I am very much against stage moms... They're pushy. Exploiting your own child like that.

One guy was dead. I saw it, he was under his sheet. Lifted his sheet, mid-funeral. Folded his sheet over. Neatly. Dead people are quite tidy. He then reached up, and his friend brings him a Coke. Drinks Coke middle of his own funeral. Can you imagine being dead with a parched throat. Being dead is hard enough. One shouldn't know of such things.
Another dead guy jumped off his death bed. Mid-procession. Starts running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I think he benched three hundred eighty pounds. In shrouds. Then I saw him at another one of his own funerals. He came back to fight for his people. As he's dying, he musters the strength to smile for the camera. 10K. Smiling at his own burial. The courage that takes. I believe that was Gazan Death Toll number thirteen million and two.

These people in Britain and America believe this stuff.
(POV Anchor) "We have an eyewitness. Hamas tunnel commander just told us. Israelis started the Spanish Inquisition." (pause for laughs- if I said "pause for laughs" make fun of myself for being an idiot) Americans believe this. Hamas tunnel professors.
We get blamed for everything. We are so bad with world opinion. We get blamed for being Jews. Just being Jews. We get blamed for that.
The death toll is now up to fifteen million.
They just throw numbers out there. "Forty million." It's now forty. "I said eighty. Eighty-five million. The total number of people killed in Gaza is now eighty-five million." "Ninety. We have ninety million Gazans dead." 
CNN. "And the Death Toll in Gaza is now up to ninety million."
Nothing is good enough. They can’t just stick to one lie. “Three hundred and eighty-four million dead.”
 
Next time let's talk about genocide. And I’m out of here. Thank you!!!
(that genocide ender is a real zinger)

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways.

Israel has messed up with world opinion. We get blamed for everything. We've got to garner better. We're garnering nothing. Ungarnered. (pause for laughs- because a Seinfeld voice was used)
Something is wrong. We're getting blamed for Hamas! (pause for laughs)
Hamas shoots their people for trying to eat. It's Jews. (pause for laughter) They slaughter babies and somehow "Israel's at it again." (pause for laughs- this should get a huge one) We give birth to Gazans. We get blamed. (not sure if there is a pause or not- pause after each of the next ones) Wildfires? Jews. Hurricane Milton? Jews. Stub toe? It's the Jews. (POV toe getting jammed) “The Israelis. How did that chair get there?! It was the Zionists!”
Milton??? Jewish. You're going to tell me Milton not Jewish?!
(pause- see what happens- gauge audience- maybe the death and murder comedy flow tickle the funny bone here) 

How are we looking bad?! (make sure I'm performing with my Yarmulke - so they can associate me as the one to blame me for the atrocities)
They have cartoons about how to kill the Jewish devil. Their kindergartners are blaming us. (pause for laughs- maybe just leave the "pause for laughs" out of the script- pause for laughs after each sentence- that should be understood) Cartoons of suicide bombers. We're getting blamed for animation. The Simpsons. That's our fault. (pause for laughs- I needed that there, as I don't want to forget to pause) We're blamed for educating kids to kill us. What society pushes propaganda on kids to kill them? Israel's Ministry of Education is putting out curriculum, "If two Zionists are killed by a preschooler, how many Zionist devils have you killed?" Israel's Ministry cares about these kids and their schooling. You want them to develop a good base in mathematics. Something they can connect to. Like killing Jews. 
I can understand a society educating kids to blow themselves up. (nuanced line- make sure sarcasm is understood- leave this line out if people are on the spectrum- if they are LGBTQ+ supporters they will empathize with this sentiment in support of Palestinian education and culture)

That guy's like, "I didn't kill anybody." Don't worry. If it's a Zionist, you're OK.

Murder. Rape. And somehow we look bad.
This is dark. There must be a reason not many comedians go for the rape zingers. (maybe don't pause here- depends on the crowd- if they're feminists they might might be on the floor here)

We're getting blamed for everything.
Bibi is somehow behind every... "Bibi. Free the hostages." Bibi is now hiding the hostages in his mansion. Somehow, he's leading Hamas.
There’s a leak in a tunnel. "Somebody get Bibi. What's with this guy?! How does he expect us to watch hostages in these conditions?!" 
"Bibi is ruining Gazan elementary schools. Him and his new idea of not killing Zionist devils. This guy is crazy. Murderer!!!"

Suicide bombing, that’s on us. How?! "Another Palestinian dead. You see."
And that's another eighty on the Gazan Death Toll report. (pause for laughs- don't say "pause for laughs"- just pause)
Is suicide bombers a better topic? I'm not good at choosing topics for humor. My bit about child abuse didn't go over last week. I was thinking about fast food. But that doesn't tickle the funny bone nowadays like torturing Jews.
 
Americans believe this stuff. (POV American) "It's the Gazans' truth." This is "their truth" as fact. "You're judgmental." Nothing is worse than being judgmental. You can slaughter innocent children... Don't be judgmental.
I can't win that argument. "You're being very judgmental. It's not right to fight people, just because they're trying to torture and rape you. Eating dinner while gouging out eyes. That's just what they do. Slicing off limbs is Gazan culture. You shouldn't judge." (pause to see if people leave- know the audience to see if the sarcasm catches them here)

Raid on Entebbe. Our fault. "Why do you think that happened? Because Jews were on the flight. Jews aren't flying, that's not happening." 
They’re even mad at the Iron dome. "The patriots?! And you say Israel isn’t shooting missiles?!" "They're shooting those patriots all the time. Daily." “You remember when it was so much easier to kill the Jews.” “I miss those days. Didn't have to drain resources.” "And now they're making a big stink about hostages... Who cares? They're Jewish. Exactly." Now that's better comedy. Not as dark.

If you're not laughing, it's because of Bibi.
I don't mean to offend. I don't think rape is fine. I might be wrong here. But I don't associate with the feminist movement.

***See university article, bomb shelters, myths for this stuff fleshed out in different ways. And check out next Stand-up Transcript for more on death tolls and how Jews are the reason for everything, including the bad Easter chocolate eggs that come with nothing on the inside. And the reason kids choke on toys when eating Kinder.

Many people are worried about the uptick in antisemitism nowadays. Do not worry. There was a lot of antisemitism years ago too. I hope that comforts you. Your people has always been hated.
Antisemitism has always been upticked, even before Tucker Carlson and that Cortez acronym. And thanks to our American freedom and independence, they have the right to hate Jews. I don't know if freedom allows for hate speech against other minorities. But at least America allows the freedom to hate Jews.
Here’s a few stories from a child growing up in Rochester, New York, to bring anti-Semitic pride. I don't know if that sounds right. Maybe Jewish pride.
Yesterday we spoke of Rabbi Yechiel Meir Bergman and the dog that protected the kids from anti-Semites on the way to Cheder in Rochester. Today, let's talk about me, my childhood, and more anti-Semites.
 
Jewish Boy Playing Basketball
Years ago, I was a child. Shoot. Now you know my age. I played basketball in the Christian Youth Organization league, in Rochester. We were the Jewish team, playing for the JCC. We played for Jewish pride. We didn't do a good job of it. Any Jew that saw us play would have become an apostate. The Christian Youth Organization used us as the predecessors to Jewish for Jesus in the area.
I missed a foul shot one day and everybody yelled, “Jews can’t play basketball.” I asked my friend’s mom why I couldn’t play basketball. She said, “It’s fine. You can play basketball. They just hate Jews. They hate you because your people are bad at basketball.”
For a while I started not liking my people. They were the reason I was missing foul shots. Even more so, they were the reason I was getting fouled so much.
It turns out, anything a Jew does, the nation gets blamed for it. I learned this at a young age. Thanks to Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansky, everybody thinks I'm a mobster. One day, a Jew was purchasing a suit and he asked if it was on sale. Now, every Jew is cheap. Thanks to me, Jews can't shoot a basketball.
Due to my playing abilities, no Jews were drafted into into the NBA in 1990s, except for Doron Sheffer, who didn't play in the NBA. He decided to play in Israel, due to the antisemitism caused by my poor shooting. It was 2009 before they decided to finally forgive me and draft a Jew. Thank you Omri Casspi for getting them to forgive me for what I did to our people.

NeoNazis on the Way to Shul
Walking to shul, there were neoNazis on the side of the road. It might have been just a bunch of bald guys. Either way. They weren’t Jewish. And that is scary enough. They started yelling, “Jews.” Which is antisemitism at its worst and most dangerous. Never let anybody call you a Jew. Next thing you know, a car is driving down the street, beeping us. Even scarier. They also yelled, “Jews.” Maybe they were warning people about Meyer Lansky. I don't know.
My dad was a strong Jew, from Brooklyn. Jews from Brooklyn don't put up with anything. You tell a Jew from Brooklyn they're not allowed to join a pickleball game, they're whacking the racket over your head. Very violent pickleball players.
Abba started chasing them all down, at once. Both the car and the neoNazis. And they were probably neoNazis in the car. They had hair, but that might have been toupees. One Jew against twelve anti-Semites, or people who just wanted to say "hi" to some Jews.
Next thing I know, my dad is yelling, “One day, you’re going to be working for my son.” I heard that and I told my dad, “Abba. That’s why they hate us.”
I think my dad was talking about my older brothers. They are quite successful. I’m right now thinking about working for them.
 
The Time That Marshalls Charged Full Retail
I went to the clearance rack, and there was no “clearance” tag on the clothes. Not even a sale sign. Everything was the suggested retail price. I knew at that moment that Marshalls must hate Jews. That was a hard lesson for a fifth grader to take in.

Postscript
After the Marshalls fiasco, I realized the world is full of anti-Semites. From then on, I only made friends with people that hated me. I needed other people to play basketball with.
I thought I would help my people by dispelling the anti-Semitic myths of Jews being bad athletes by playing more basketball. That didn't help. I continued playing and missing shots. I have not done a good job of dispelling the belief that Jews are cheap. I am sorry, but I will not stop shopping at Ollie's, and going back to Kohl's weekly, to get my rewards coupon. And yes. I still use coupons. And all Jews use coupons.
Once I reached high school, every shot I missed, I let them know, "David can't play basketball." I thought it was important they knew that I was bad, and that my people should not have to deal with persecution. Due to my lacking basketball abilities, AOC got into government. 
It was tough playing basketball in Junior Bantam elementary with the weight of Jewish national peace and Israel on my shoulders. And I want us to apologize to my people. The reputation for Jews being chubby is on me. I still have baby fat. I like to call it that.
How hatred of Jews is expressed with "Jews can't play basketball" is still something I am trying to figure out. How that leads to “from the river to the sea” chants, I can’t tell you. I did once hear that Jews can't play basketball in the river. And after learning much Torah, I now know the Jews did not play basketball when leaving Egypt, even when Gd split the sea. If they said "Jews can't play floor hockey," I would understand that is pure hatred of my people.
I did improve once I started offering favors for baskets. Thanks to Bugsy and my reputation as a mob boss, I told them I would take out their mathematics teacher if they let me have a few open layups. I wouldn’t say favors for baskets was as altruistic as the Easterseals shootout.

A Postscript Message from a Child of the ‘80s
Antisemitism is not just in Rochester. Everybody in every city has a story. They hate us everywhere. I hope that helps you feel better living in America.
People have always hated us. “Why do people hate Jews?” Answer. Because they’re Jewish. I learned that as a child in a basketball game and at shul. Ever been to shul? Everybody hates Jews there. Tons of anti-Semites at our Minyin.
When I was growing up, you learned to be tough. You learned to chase after neoNazis in cars, to get a pickup basketball game going. You learned to miss foul shots with pride. You learned how to show the cashier at Marshalls the misstich, to get a few extra dollars off on a button-down. 
Back in the early 1900s, Jews couldn't even get jobs due to hatred of our people. Now we are bosses, and they hate us more.
Be tough. Stop crying. Let them know you’re Jewish and you're proud. And don’t live in Rochester. Apparently, there’s a lot of antisemitism there.
And get a dog. Get a dog or move to Israel.

This all happened in Rochester, New York, second half of the second millennium. Rochester is where people go for excitement, or because they immigrated to the United States and had a cousin in Upstate. Or because they thought Kodak would last more than twenty years.

These kids were growing up in Rochester in the 1920s. Kids grow up in Rochester. People get bigger in Rochester too. Their father, Rav Simcha Tillim, wanted them to learn from Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, a Tzadik. So, he walked his kids an hour each way every day to learn at the Tzadik's Cheder. Why Rav Tillim decided to buy a place as far away from Rav Bergman as possible is another story. It only took a half hour to get from one side of Rochester to the other. Yet, Rav Tillim understood Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. He wanted to instill that pain in his children. Which is known as Chinuch and why we make kids go to school.
Rav Tillim, himself loved exercise, and it turned out he wasn't getting his steps. Back in those days you tracked your steps by shouting out numbers. The conversations with his children on their way to Cheder, Jewish school, made it all the way up to twenty thousand.
Rav Bergman was a rav and a Tzadik, and we know this, because he had an Eastern European accent.
After a day of this exercise and getting in his steps, the father decided the kids should walk by themselves. He already got in the twenty thousand steps. That was enough. He also realized that he already knew the Aleph Bet. To quote, "Lama Ani Holech LCheder. Ani Kvar Yode'ah HaAleph Bet vAni Tzarich LShalem LaZeh. FuFuFuFu."

The Tillim kids came home crying that first day after walking by themselves, as people were pulling their Payis. "Pulling my Payis" is not a Jewish euphemism for joking around with you. I have never heard a Frum Jew say, "Stop pulling my Payis," to somebody who is not a Nazi. I am not saying Jew haters don't have a good sense of humor. I wouldn't want to offend them.
Dad wasn't around, and the children learned real quickly that antisemitism exists when you're not with your parents. As anti-Semites truly hate children. They didn't complain about the two hour walk. And this has me wondering why they didn't take a bus.
As a child in the early 1900s you got beat up every day on your way to Cheder. Why did they beat them up? Because they were Jewish. It was American tradition back in the early 1900s. You see a Jew anywhere outside of the Lower East Side, you beat them up. It was a fun activity. Something to do. Movies weren’t that good back then. Bad graphics. It was a Jewish educational tool as well. You get beat up on the way to school to prepare you for the rest of your life, where people will be trying to kill you. 
These kids were getting beat up two hours a day. Cheder was three hours. Thus, we now have five hours a day of Jewish education.
Why they kept going to Cheder? I don't know. Was there a different route? Yes. But that route would've taken an extra three minutes. 

They told their rebbe, Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, about the anti-Semites. To which Rav Bergman insisted they invite them to Cheder, so the kids would listen. Yard sticks and rulers weren't working in those days. After getting whacked by those a good hundred times, it doesn't bother you anymore. And many educators were sick of pulling out the spiked ball chain flail to help kids learn language. An anti-Semite standing in Shiur, the kids would listen and learn some Torah.
Their rebbe told them, “Come to Cheder and you will be protected every day.” It might have been the dad, Simcha Tillim, who said it, trying to get the kids out of the house so he could enjoy himself and the ice cream he brought home. I believe he purchased vanilla ice cream that day, and it was going to melt in twenty minutes. Back then, you had to eat ice cream real fast. Most families didn't have freezers. You picked up the ice cream from the grocery and you had eight minutes to eat it. So, you had to run home with spoon in hand and kick the kids out before it melted. Otherwise, you would have to share with them. And this is why parents also hate kids. In the early 1800s, before they developed freezers, you had to go all the way to Iceland to get ice cream, hoping a glacier didn't fall on you while you were putting on the sprinkles. That was the development of industry in Iceland. A global hankering for ice cream.
Anyhow. The children walked to Cheder and a dog escorted them every day. Never again were they attacked. I might have got that story wrong. But there was antisemitism. They didn’t even call it antisemitism back then. They called it interfaith dialogue. The Christians would say, “We hate you. You caused the black plague.” And then, to continue the conversation, they would physically assault you. That was only if the government didn't sanction them killing us.

For a year and a half, the dog would walk the kids to Cheder and then back. The dog would wait at the Cheder till it was over and then walk them home. The dog became proficient in Hebrew. It began saying, "Hav Hav." Rav Bergman was an amazing teacher and a Tzadik. At a year and a half the dog stopped escorting them. They finally gave the dog a treat.
For a year and a half, the dog was wondering why they hadn't given him anything yet. When he finally got the biscuit, he said, "I got what I came for. I can go now." Which was translated as "Hav Hav." Or maybe the kids just found a different route.

How the Cheder Started
Rav Bergman was fired. That's usually how Cheders start. He was teaching at a Hebrew day school and he taught kids that you have to listen to your parents, unless if they tell you to not keep Shabbis. Big mistake. Never tell Jewish kids in Jewish day school about Mitzvahs, especially when you're teaching Mitzvahs. When you're teaching the Ten Commandments, The Aseret HaDibrot, you're supposed to teach how to drive on Shabbat with your parents. Any rebbe that wants to keep his job in a Jewish day school knows that.
The principal heard this, closed the Chumash and fired him. I believe the quote was, "You don't teach Torah when you're teaching Torah." The principal understood how to run a Torah institution the right way. The way the Rochester community likes it.
That principal's hands were paralyzed for the rest of his life. So, we know it wasn't the principal that was pulling the Payis.

Lessons of What Followed
Nobody messed with Rabbi Bergman again. A Tzadik and a miracle worker, he had many jobs and nobody fired him.
It was years before anybody closed a Chumash again. People in Rochester would walk around with open books, in fear that they would die or get hiccups if they closed it.
The Smith brothers of Rochester later got a reputation for being guys you don't mess with. But they never closed a Chumash.

Jews started taking up boxing just to get hit in the face, as part of their Chinuch.

Rav Bergman was not seen as a Tzadik by the board of the Jewish day school, because the board of the Jewish day school was made up of a bunch of heretics. And it has thus been tradition in Rochester ever since to fire good rabbis who teach Torah. I'm sorry. I was fired for teaching Torah at a Jewish day school in Rochester, and I'm not even a Tzadik. I had to get it out somewhere. They should've kept me. I am extremely not devout.

The kids found a shorter route. Turns out Rav Bergman lived a block away. Their father just never showed his kids the shorter way.  To quote the father, "The most important part of honoring your parents is staying away from them." 
The kids stopped getting reward for suffering extreme pain. They had to find another way to get to Olam Haba, so they started pinching each other.

Why the anti-Semites were scared of a Maltese Poodle, I do not know.
Nobody knows the dog's name. They say it was a Gilgul, a reincarnation of somebody who wanted to educate children. Probably a Gadol HaDor, the greatest rabbi of their generation, a couple hundred years back, who got fired for teaching Torah to kids in Rochester. 

People come from all over to Daven at Rabbi Bergman's Kever, and they visit Rav Tillim as well. To this day, nobody in Rochester appreciates him. And now kids in Rochester take buses to the Jewish day school and learn arithmetic.

***I probably got the story wrong. See Nechama Burgeman's (September 21, 2010) notes in https://kevarim.com/rabbi-meir-yechiel-bergman/ for something that might be more correct.

Everybody should be safe. And this war should end soon. Israel should be surrounded by peace. And all evil wiped out from this world. I hope I didn't offend anybody with my lack of support for people wanting to kill Jews.
With that in mind, I've seen the resilience of our people, and how they have not let bomb shelters slow them down, or bring them down. They have done this by keeping active. Here are some activities I've seen our people doing in the bomb shelters and other ideas to help you get by.

Sing. Singing is a great activity. And bomb shelters have great acoustics. If there's one really good bomb shelter feature, it's that you sound real good. Better than you do in a shower. Which is why bomb shelters never have areas to bathe.
Don't stop singing for anything. Siren, bomb, not showering for three days, sing. When bombs are hurled at your home, you celebrate. Ballistic missiles fired at you should not stop a decent Niggun. 
That family that lost their house was still singing. Dad was sitting at his piano. He didn't even realize the place blew up. Why? He was singing.
"Acheinu" is quite meditative. You get into that on your piano, you don't realize you've been hit. You get into a NayNayNay trance, you don't hear the bomb going off in the kitchen. 

Kabbalat Shabbat. You're there anyways. You have another chance to sing. Go for it.

Schoolwork. The bomb shelter is where your kids have to do schoolwork. I can assure you that school is out. Any excuse to cancel school, it will happen. Teachers have a chance to not have to teach your kids, they will not teach your kids. Epidemics, war, price of cottage cheese going up, school is out. Weather outside over eighty degrees Fahrenheit school is out. Hence, school is out for the summer too. This is why a lot of people who grew up in the Southern United States are not well educated.
Teachers love epidemics and wars. They don't even hear war. They hear Zoom and sunbathing. 

Fight with your siblings. That's a good activity. Something to do. 
Board games are also fun. That will lead to a fight.

Sleep. Try to sleep. You may need to ask the kids to leave the bomb shelter for this to happen.

Post on social media. Do not miss a chance to look good online. Bomb shelter pictures will get some likes. Ma'amad family portraits makes the bombings worth it. Just make sure you're all smiling. Nobody wants to see bunker selfies with you looking all down.
​You won't get as many likes as you did for your family vacation pictures in the Bahamas, swimming. But people will like it. 
I'm getting the feeling that giving a thumbs up to some of the bomb shelter posts is giving people the wrong idea. When scrolling posts, I am going to start giving that heart hugger.

Community bomb shelters can be fun. Fart and then look at people's faces. I am sorry. I had to. I'm just throwing out ideas to bring some joy to the bomb shelter living.
Or just look at people's faces after having to smell you. This is most fun when in a bomb shelter for a few days.

Family bonding. Another way of saying the kids are fighting.

Pray. Pray a lot. Tehillim is always good. As long as it's Hebrew and you don't understand it.
Nachlaot in Jerusalem learned from previous Intifadas. They found themselves Davening in a bomb shelter and decided to make it their shul.

Dance. Jews seem to like dancing in these shelters. If you're in a bomb shelter, party.
We're always dancing. Bombings, bomb shelters, football matches, on flights, army bases, in tanks, middle of attacks, we are dancing. House blows up, we're dancing. Singing and dancing.
Maybe we should slow down on the dancing. People are getting the wrong idea from much of what everybody's posting. They see everybody singing and dancing in the bomb shelters and they think we love it. Israel loves getting shelled. For world opinion, we need to be in there crying, not singing the "We Will Not Fear" song. Especially with that happy jump dance they do everywhere.
Palestinians look like they're starving, eating corned beef sandwiches with Greta Thunberg. Jews look like they're having a ball, sleeping in bomb shelters, missiles raining down on them, having overnight disco parties. 
Iran is saying, “What have we done? Look. They’re loving it.”
Dance. Just don't post it. We look like a messed up society of people who love having rockets aimed at us. 
Point is, enjoy every moment. Just don’t let other people know we’re a happy people. Nobody supports happy people. Happy people are aggressors.

In one bomb shelter they had a unicycle, guy on a tightrope and a woman flipping trapeze style. Bomb shelter carnivals are generally a bit much for most Ma'amads. Some outside activities are not meant to be done in ten square foot settings with eighty people. Juggling fire is one of them. But they did it.
Point is, do not let war get in the way of your fun. 
Workout. That's what my nephew is doing. Forget about war, he's worried he might lose some mass. It’s what the bombs are going to do to his bench press.
We’ve truly got to slow down on the fun. At least posting it. These Jew haters around the world truly think we love getting bombed.

Give a Shiur. That's a great way to end the party.
Talk politics. That's even a better way to end a party.
Share your opinions. That's a much better way to end a party. That will get everybody mad. 
Shares memes of Bibi and the Ayatollah. 

Answer the phone. The in-laws will keep you active, answering the phone a good three times an hour. They will help keep your mind off the attacks by asking you if bombs are going off in your building.
They're worried in America. They want to know you're also having an anxiety attack.
Get your mind off what’s going on in Israel and your bunker living, and focus on the people who are truly suffering right now. Your in-laws in America didn’t sleep last night. Think about them and what they're going through, sitting in their home, watching Fox. 
Side note. It would be appreciated if Fox News only showed the Israelis dancing in the bomb shelters, for the in-laws.

News. Watch the news to remind yourself that they're shooting at you. Just in case you haven't heard from the in-laws in a few hours.

Start a sit in. If you're in the bomb shelter long enough, you're already doing it. Give it a cause. Maybe say you're protesting teachers who don't work. 

I love that our people keep happy no matter what. Keep on dancing. Maybe just don't post it.
Don't post everything on social media. With all the singing, dancing and acrobatics, people are starting to think we enjoy being locked up in a shelter. Like we're enjoying the missiles and shrapnel aimed right at us. We have to make things look worse. Otherwise, world opinion will never be on our side.
We have to find a way to make it look like we don't enjoy running to bomb shelters.

And sing some more. It keeps people from sleeping. 
I hope this will help you bring more happiness and joy to your bomb shelter.
Whatever the case, we've got to start recording in these Ma'amads. With the acoustics, great sound. 

***Please note. The Kibbitzer Magazine takes no responsibility for David and his messed up ideas. We received one response from a concerned reader. It read: "Enjoying the bomb shelter???! What is wrong with this guy? Is he an idiot?! I understand a piano and a good 'Acheinu,' but dance parties?!" David's response was, "They look like a lot of fun and a good place Daven."

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about how he prepares for Pesach with tinfoil, and the joy of children on Lag BOmer, while justifying antisemitism with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his anger for spending way too much on his Shmura Matzah.

Let us finish off the trilogy of antisemitism, with more Jewish hate. Today we shall speak of the anti-Semites on campus. The dangerous ones. The college students. When they study and get degrees they become more dangerous.
 
College Student Anti-Semites
They're studying at university. They don't have a choice. They want to pass.
Professors are giving lectures on how to attack Jews on the quad correctly, with peace signs. Giving courses on how annoying Yarmulkes are. With sections on the moral clarity of why rape and hostage taking are fine if it's against Jews. Jews Should Die: A Historical Perspective 101.
If college students want to graduate with honors, they have to express their hatred of Jews. They must learn to conjugate "Zionist" properly. And that means with the right tone of hate that expresses the fault of the "Zionist" for the deaths in Liberia. The killings in Iraq? Jewish. Armenian genocide? The Jews. Yemen? It was the Jews. If the Jews weren't kicked out or murdered, Muslims would not be killed.
Ivy League schools have created a curriculum for those who haven't been to Israel, called Hating a Place You've Never Been To: A Philosophical Perspective to Hating Jews.
I would do so good at Harvard nowadays. I would ace every test.

Jews are Educated Anti-Semites
Knowing stuff really gets people hating you. Did you ever run into a know it all?! It's this whole thinking education is important that has everybody hating us. If we just stopped learning, and stopped doing all this studying where we end up creating stuff and getting Nobel Prizes, people would love us. If we were just dumber. If we just gave less to society.
Then, the educated Jewish professors are the ones educating the anti-Semites to hate educated Jews.
A Shayla: If it wasn't for Jewish education, what would happen to antisemitism on college campuses?

The Jew Hater that Sleeps in a Tent
They make their point by sleeping outside and making signs. This shows their hatred of Jews by refusing to get a job.
These anti-Semites beat COVID by sleeping in tents. They also took down Donald Trump with the tents. And they are now taking down Israel with tents. How? By making their point and sleeping outside. Sleeping under the stars is something an American will not do, unless if they're very mad about something.
This is why I stay away from homeless people. I don't know if they hate Jews or not.

The COVID Protesters
Somehow, they're protesting Jews and still wearing masks. I don't know how COVID became part of the plight of the anti-Semite.
Due to their war on COVID, which they are still fighting, they protest Jews by wearing masks. Watch out for these anti-Semites, they are very mad and very violent. They might even be sitting next to you in Economics And How Jews Took All Your Money 201.

The Anti-Ben Shapiro
They just like arguing with Ben Shapiro.

The Student Union
Still not serving Kosher food. A bunch of anti-Semites.

Fifty-Year-Old College Students
Why these universities are all the sudden taking in students after retirement. Freshman at fifty, who never finished high school. And then they don't even give them dorms. Forcing them to sleep on the grass. In tents.

The Drive-by Anti-Semites
They drive-by and beep. These are the worst. You know they truly hate Jews. They're definitely not beeping me because I’m hot.
The first time I got beeped on Shabbat I thought somebody in the car was checking me out. Then I noticed the three-hundred pound bald guy and realized I had just finished taking down four pounds of Kugel the night before.

To my college students. We have to be tough. As a Jew, don’t let these anti-Semites scare you. Even if they're a fifty-five-year-old college student living on the quad, who has never attended a class. Keep strong. Fight back. Wear that Kippah, or Yarmulke if you’re not religious, and get them mad.
My dad A"H was tough. I will never forget when the neo-Nazis were on the side of the road yelling stuff at us on the way to shul. Stuff like "Jew." Never call a Jew a Jew. Especially when that Jew is my father. It's just offensive to call a Jew a Jew. To this day, it bothers me as a Jew when people don't call me Christian.
My father started chasing them, yelling, "One day you're going to work for my son." I will never forget that. The toughness. Willingness to stick up for his Jewish people who others called Jews. I also remember asking my father, "Isn't that why they hate us?"

And you know what gives us the right to be tough. Israel. The Zionists. Calling Jews who support and love Israel Zionists is offensive. It just hurts.

Yesterday we discussed the full array of anti-Semites. There are more. There are more anti-Semites than all of the anti-Semites.
I always knew people hated us. I didn't know they hate us this much. Over the past year and a half I've taken notice of how so many people hate Jews.
The thing is not all anti-Semites are the same. There are many different kinds of anti-Semites. I've analyzed their hatred. They all hate Jews. But they hate us in different ways. Each anti-Semite is unique, and that should be celebrated.
They all hate us. And that means Jews never lived in Israel. And Jews have always owned everything. Everything, except Israel. And Jews run the newspapers that say Jews never lived in Israel.
Today, let's focus on some of the Israel hating anti-Semites.

Anti-Israel Anti-Semites
These Jew haters are mad Israel has Jews. These anti-Semites especially hate the Israeli Druze. To quote my coworker, "Druze, Jews. What's the difference." That guy also blamed us for the iceberg that destroyed the Titanic.
There is truth to every joke.

We Support You Anti-Semites
These anti-Semites love Jews, they just want all the ones they don't know to die.
These anti-Semites say they love Israel. They just don't want Jews living there, and they want them to be thrown into the sea. Hence, they are proJews.
Until all this hatred of my people, I always thought getting thrown into water is a bunch of fun. That's how camp will mess you up. For the sake of our future, our children, and all the antisemitic Jewish summer camp counselors, I propose counselors stop throwing Frum campers into the water. It looks wrong.

The Jews Run the World Anti-Semites
They claim we run everything, including the airlines that won't fly to Israel.
We've shut these anti-Semites up with arguments like, "If you hate the Jews and Israel, don't use your computer. Jews created all that stuff. We put together the computer chips. Don't read the newspaper. We run those. And don't travel. We own the airlines too. And don't even think about using your bank... Exactly. Jews!!! And we also created SodaStream. And we own technology." So, we've dealt with that argument.
 
Terrorists
These ones are actually trying to kill us. Actively. Every day.
I don't want to definitively call the terrorists anti-Semites. They may like us. They're just trying to kill us because they need to support their families somehow.

Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters
These ones are real angry Jews are defending themselves. Hence, the human rights violation of Jews living.
October 7th truly got these anti-Semites going, bothered that Jews are still around. These anti-Semites are rightfully fighting for the right to rape Jewish women.
The Mad Jews Won't Die Jew Haters do not have it easy, with Jews living in this world. My liberal Jewish friend shared that we should be considerate of their feelings too.

Jews Didn't Create Falafel Anti-Semites
They only say this because they hate us.
Some even have the Chutzpah to say they don't like Marzipan rugulach. Who would say that, but an anti-Semite. A Jew hater.

The We Want to Kill You Anti-Semite
I would try to avoid these ones. They want to kill you.
These Jew haters will look at you. They may even curse you. As soon as they say they want to kill you, maybe start walking the other way. Check the pockets. Make it look like you forgot something. That’s just a suggestion. Maybe you can power walk to the other grocery store.
There are also the nonviolent anti-Semites who attack Jews. Be careful out on the streets. The nonviolent ones are the most dangerous.

There are so many more anti-Semites out there. For instance, the guy at Wender's Hardware, down the block, was charging $45 for an adapter. With prices like that, and no sale, definitely anti-Semites. And why so mach for the adapter? Mr. Wender hates Israel. I know it.
And then there is the anti-Semite actor who hates Jews because they are an actor, and that means they have to hate Israel. And then there is the Israeli in Hollywood who finally decided that they don't want to act anymore, saying they support their family. And then there is the Israeli's family that is mad at their idiot child who is not making as much money anymore.

​I want to thank all of our anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel.

There are six types of anti-Semites. I know this, due to much experiential research. There is the general anti-Semite that is mad Jews work for a living. The anti-Semites who only hate Jews because they know Jews. The anti-Semite who has met a Jew or hasn’t met a Jew. Either way, they hate Jews. Jews who are Jewish and know Jews. The college student. And the anti-Semite who hates Israel, because there are Jews.
For today, let us focus on the general anti-Semite, the ones who work with and may or may not know Jews, the ones who get mad at Jews for shopping, and Jews who know Jews.

The Jew Has Money Anti-Semite
They don't like wealthy people. Therefore all Jews are wealthy. And wealthy people should be hated.
I think that makes sense.

The Jews Achieve Anti-Semite
This kills it for everybody. You show up to work, and now you have to perform too. And then to top it all off, the hard work is rewarded.

Works With Jews Anti-Semite
Jews are everything that is wrong at work. Lunch bags, computers, coworkers that show up on time. Cubicles were created by Jews.
They hear a Jew has a holiday. Now they hate holidays too. The fact that Jews take off of work for a holiday is wrong. The only holidays Jews should have off are Christmas, New Years and Easter.
All antisemitism started because of the High Holidays. They have anti-Jew meetings to discuss the horrors brought into their lives by Yom Kippur. The day they're allowed to eat.

Harvey Weinstein is Jewish Anti-Semite
He's Jewish. He must be. He has a Jewish last name. Therefore all Jews are sex offenders.
Harvey has killed the reputation of fifteen million people.

Graffiti Artist Anti-Semite
They spray-paint “Jews” everywhere. Dane Cook speaks of them graffiting bathrooms with the word "Jews." Something about the word "Jews" that allows these anti-Semites to get out their anger.
This greatly offends Jews. Jews don't like being called Jews. A Jew is just not a nice thing to call a Jew. It hurts.
You might see this graffiti expression of antisemitism places where Jews go, such as shuls. This offends Jews even more. If there is one thing Jews don’t want to see at shul, it’s "Jews."

The Nick Cannon Says Jews Have Money Anti-Semite
This guy is getting his historical facts from Wildn'N Out.

The I Have a Jewish Friend
These people know Jews. Thus, they have the right to hate Jews. When you have a friend, you're allowed to talk about their people. To quote my neighbor, "I have no Baha'i friends. If I just had one Baha'i friend, I would be able to hate them too."
The problem here is they know Jews. And we all know, that leads to Jewish hatred. Chinese people are not anti-Semites because they don't know Jews. If they knew us, they would be anti-Semites. We're a very easy people to hate.
Chinese people in America don't know us as Jews. They know us as customers.

The I Have a Jewish Neighbor
That will do it. Especially when they don't cut their grass. Some Jews don't even trim the hedges.

Jews
Jews hate Jews. I can't stand the Gabai at my shul. I can't stand anybody at my shul.

Self-hating Jew Anti-Semite
That's pretty much every Jew. No good Jew likes themselves.

The "I Have a Jewish Boss" Jew Basher
They are mad that Jews are helping them make a living.
Lesson: Never hire anybody. Giving people a livelihood will only lead to hate. Nepotism is the proper way to run a business.

The Jewish Landlord
They are mad that Jews invest and give them a place to live.
Gratefulness can only properly be expressed through hatred of Jews.

Met a Jew Without Money Anti-Semite
That will get an anti-Semite steaming. Boiling. Simmering. Ready to cook a decent stew.
Only thing worse than a Jew with money is a Jew without money.
Also known as The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite, these anti-Semites call us cheap Jews and get mad at us for shopping at Marshalls. They don't like when Jews find deals. They see a Jew at the clearance rack and they want to shoot up the place. They see a Jew at Ollie's, it's over. They're outside protesting Ollie's Bargain Outlet, in tents they bought at Ollie's. They're now trying to take down Ollie himself, bringing Jews to his store with slogans like "good stuff cheap!"
The Cheap Jew Anti-Semite shops at Macy's and only shop preseason marked-up prices. Sticking to the suggested retail rack. Proclaiming, "I don't buy anything for a decent price. I'm not Jewish."

The Will Not Look Anti-Semite
They don't look at you. They pass you at work and don't say "hi." They express their hatred by ignoring you. This antisemitism is expressed with a head turn. Quite vicious. In their hatred, these anti-Semites may avert their gaze.
To note, many Jewish women are anti-Semites. Firsthand, I can tell you they're self-hating Jews. Or self-hating man Jews. Or just women who hate Jewish men. Whatever they are, they're anti-Semites.
No matter what, the next person The Will Not Look Anti-Semite sees gets a huge hello hug. "Thank Gd you're not Jewish. I love you." In the case of the Jewish woman, "Thank Gd you're not a Jewish man."

The Nazi Slogan Anti-Semite
These teenagers sit on the side of the road and yell nasty stuff when you're going to shul. Sometimes, they even beep at you. And that just hurts.

The I Live in America Anit-Semite
These anti-Semites live in America. And thus they are anti-Semites. That is their right as citizens.
Many Jews are mad that this right is not fully being supported anymore.

Had a Bad Day Anti-Semites
They blame Jews for everything. Anything that goes wrong. They stub a toe. "Jews!!! I can't stand them. Ouch!!! Jews!!! That hurts. Jews!!!"
Can't find the keys. "Jews!!! Who created keys?! Probably Jews. Jews!!! Those people run everything!!! Nick Cannon said they run everything."

The Never Met a Jew Anti-Semite
These guys have never met a Jew. Never been to Israel. Somehow, many of them think we have horns. Which would be cool. However, these people don't like horned individuals.
We usually tell these anti-Semites to meet Jews and visit Israel, which leads leads to them hating us more. Sometimes it gets worse and they end up working with us. And we know what seeing a Jew make money leads to.

The Whisper Past Anti-Semite
They pass you and then whisper something. I'm guessing they're whispering that there are Jews. Most of the time it's a curse. Much of the time it's "I can't believe kosher brisket costs that much." "Why do they like getting deals." Usually it's "Jews." You can get out so much anger with that word. People should stop cursing. The only four letter word they should be using is "Jews."
I used to think Americans have a projection issue. I thought nonJews mumbled a lot. Something to do with the public school education and poor enunciation. Maybe it was something about the people who shopped at Marshalls that didn't like getting deals.
This usually goes along with the Will Not Look Anti-Semite. They don't look and then they whisper something about the sales rack and you not wanting to get ripped off, as they pass you.

Other anti-Semites include: People who are mad about cost of Kosher. Mad at brisket inflation. They're just empathizing with our people. The people who eat mayonnaise. Those who hate agents. Totally understood. All Jews are agents. The anti-Semite who hates the word Jew. Hence, they say it a lot. There's the I married a Jew anti-Semite. I understand their hatred of our people. There's the nonviolent anti-Semite who only attacks Jews. There are Europeans.
Next time we will deal with the anti-Israel and the most violent anti-Semites, the college students studying for PhDs. In the meantime, if you get down and feel any frustration, just yell "Jews." The hatred will help today be a better day. Maybe yell "Baha'i." That can also get out some good anger.

After the Super Bowl and Kanye West, it seems that the public has again accepted anti-Semitic rhetoric as fine. I spoke with a Jewish local rap artist, Shloimi Yankel, to find out what he thinks about these rap artists who seem to be anti-Semitic. It turned into a discussion about how you have to accept how people identify. It turned into a modern discussion of what a Jew is.

What do you think about pulling out a Palestinian flag in the middle of the rap show at the Super Bowl?
I didn't know Kendrick Lamar was Palestinian. Does he identify as Palestinian?

Maybe.
Then he is.

I think it was one of the dancers that pulled it out. Even if he’s not from Palestine, he’s a Palestinian?
Yes. You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify.

Thank you. That is profound. I thought you needed something of relevance to identify.
So, if somebody says they're Jewish, they're Jewish.
If they identify that way, then they are.

What do you think about the idea of conversion?
It's wrong. Somebody says they want to be Jewish. They're Jewish. They get an Aliyah to the Torah. They are part of the covenant of Avraham.

So conversion is not necessary.
Only if somebody wants to identify as a convert.

So, is Kendrick Lamar a rapper.
If he identifies as one.

I don’t know what he’s singing. I don’t think it rhymes enough for it to be rap.
That’s wrong of you.
 
To have an opinion.
Yes. Opinions are wrong.
 
Let’s say I identify as somebody with an opinion?
Then it’s right.

What about Stevie Wonder?
If he identifies as a rapper, he's a rapper. If he identifies as somebody with opinions, he can have opinions.

And James Taylor.
Definitely a rap artist. That's how he identifies.

So, is Kanye West an anti-Semite.
I have to ask him. If he identifies as an anti-Semite, he's an anti-Semite.

I see you're quite progressive.
I identify as progressive. I even get my insurance from them.

This interview was going nowhere. And I was identifying as somebody who wanted to hurt this Jewish rap artist. So far, it turned out Shloimi Yankel actually thinks nothing. But I had to continue the interview to see if he did have a real thought to share.

What do you think about Kanye West?
He's Jewish.

No. He's not.
He says he is.

How does that make him Jewish.
He said he's Jewish. He's Jewish.

He said he's a Nazi.
He's a Jewish Nazi. He's an artistic Jewish Nazi who hates Jews. And that's fine. You can identify and hate yourself.

Have you dealt with antisemitism while singing?
Yes. Many people don't like my songs.

How is that anti-Semitic?
My Music is Jewish.

But you sing about love and your girlfriend.
Love is Jewish. Shir Hashirim? I take those lessons to heart.

Back to antisemitism.
Anytime I perform and people don't give me a standing ovation, I chalk it up to antisemitism. I perform for a lot of anti-Semites.

Nobody stood to applaud at your show for the shul last month.
Anit-Semites.

But the congregants don’t identify as anti-Semites.
But they are. They didn’t clap.
I once spoke with the rabbi. He said he deals with the board, and they are anti-Semites.
 
So, there is a loophole. If people don’t identify as anti-Semites and don’t like your music, they’re anti-Semites.
Exactly.

How much antisemitism is there in the songwriter community?
Just listen to the lyrics. “Backstreet’s back alright.” That means the Backstreet Boys are back at hating Jews.

So. In conclusion. Is rap anti-Semitic?
If it identifies that way.

Let's say the rapper holds up a Palestinian flag that says "From the river to the sea." Is that anti-Semitic?
If the rapper says it's anti-Semitic, then I accept how he identifies with that flag.

I don't think we're getting anywhere.
If that is how you feel. If you identify this meeting that way.
 
Final statement.
It's not right for us to judge Kanye as an anti-Semite, if he identifies that way. We should not judge him as an anti-Semite, the same way we expect for him to not judge us as Jews. Kanye West is a Jewish Nazi and that is fine.
 
So. What is Judaism?
However one defines it.
 
So, Judaism doesn’t exist.
According to Kanye and that guy running around with the flag at the Super Bowl.
 
So, they may not even hate Jews. Kanye might just hate his agents.
Exactly. He’s an anti-agent-semite.

Conclusion
It turns out that nowadays being Jewish means nothing unless if people want to kill you.
How this turned into a discussion of people identifying as anti-Semites, and that somehow being a heritage, I don’t know. I do know that people hate Jews because of this rapper. At least they don’t give him standing ovations.
After this interview, I made a point of never interviewing anybody under forty years of age again. I felt like I was interviewing Kanye West.
It's amazing how after all the events our people have been through over the last year and a half, that this Jewish kid still can't figure out identity.
“You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify.” That statement said it all. I am confused. I am confused and I wonder if there is any relevance of communication when anybody can say what they are, claim it, and hate Jews and want to kill Jews, who somehow don’t even exist.
It was comforting to know that our rapper friend Shloimi Yankel still had a strong enough Jewish identity to note, like any good Jew, that when something does not work in his favor, it’s because of anti-Semites. Though, he did say to call him The Artist Formerly Known as Shloimi Yankel.

Anti-Semites- a) One who charges Jews for items or services. Sentence: "So, we’re at the movies. Those anti-Semites are charging $4 for popcorn." b) A cop that gives a Jew a ticket for speeding. c) Anybody who asks a Jew to do any work. We link it back to Egypt. d) Number one reason for Aliyah to Israel. They do a much better job than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency of bringing Jews to Israel. See all of Europe for ways to attack Jews.

Appeal Cards- Cards with flaps that people fold over to let the shul know what they intend to give to the synagogue if they ever give anything. If it was a cash donation, the shul would never see a flipped tab. The members still owe dues from the 1980s. Even when these people get honored, they don’t pay their pledges. Yet, they still flip the numbers on the Yom Kippur appeal cards. It is to say, "If I were to ever pay my dues and give money to the memorial chapel, this is how much I would think about giving."

Apikores (pl. Apikorsim)- a) Somebody who likes the rabbi. Sentence: "This Apikores enjoys the rabbi’s sermon. He knows from nothing." b) Somebody who knows the Torah and at the same time expresses a sense of happiness. Sentence: "You see her smiling? She's is definitely not keeping the Mitzvos. Apikoreset."

Aramaic- A language every Jew should know. Unlike Hebrew. Sentence: "If I would know Aramaic, I would understand this Gemara."

Armrest- a) An object that makes a tiny seat that is not meant for a whole person even more uncomfortable. This helps make the shul experience painful. Hence, meant for people who are not Apikorsim. Sentence: "This is more uncomfortable than ELAL. The chair sits half of my tush. This armrest is meant for a quarter arm. And that guy’s prayer book is in the back of my head. I'm feeling discomfort, and thus, penitent." b) Something put between seats in shul, so people will fight.

Aron Kodesh- A place to put names of people who have a lot of money, and the Torahs. Sentence: "I think the Aron Kodesh will be more valuable if we can place some dedication plaques on the scrolls."

Arts and Crafts- Where kids make Jewish objects, such as a Chanukiyah, a grogger, Jewish origami paper chains for the Sukkah, paper plate hamentashes, and Haggadahs. All of which the parents have to find a way to throw out without their children knowing. Sentence: "I wish this teacher would stop sending the arts and crafts home. She’s got no guts; putting the throwing out of the paper mache on us. Now my kids think I don’t love them… Yes. I do think they’re not talented."

ArtScroll- a) Master translators of biblical and rabbinic text, that found a way to eliminate Hebrew for the new learner of Yiddishkeit; making English the language of the Torah. Sentence from Zealous American Bal Tshuva: "And I quote, 'The Tabernacle in the wilderness…' That is exactly how Moshe said it. In English." Alternative Sentence: "Got to be honest. No idea why I went to Yeshiva and tried learning this stuff in Aramaic, with no punctuation. This learning Talmud in English is so much easier. I feel like a Talmid Chacham.: Addition to Alternative Sentence: "Give me the Gemara in English and I'm happy not knowing what it says." b) The Jewish book company that elaborates. Other people translate. Artscroll elaborates. This is how the modern Jew learns. Sentence: "I need a translation that doesn’t translate." Translation of "Rabbi Moshe Feinstein had a good childhood": "Roshei Yeshiva came to Rabbi Feinstein when he was six months old. It was then that he gave his first rabbinic ordinances. He wrote his first book of Responsa on the laws of sharing when he was two year of age." c) The Jewish book publishing house, there for the safety of the frum reader, ensuring that we never have to read a book where a rabbi sinned, or where there is a storyline. Plot of all Biographies: Born a Tzadik in Brooklyn, lived as a Tzadik in Brooklyn, died a Tzadik Brooklyn, and still overcame much spiritual struggle to be a Tzadik in Brooklyn.

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick.

Many people are scared about the release of the terrorists, asking me, "David. What do we do?" You live.
Before getting into this article, May all of the hostages come home safely. Our prayers continue to go out to them and their families. The nightmare they have gone through is unforgivable. And to know these bloodthirsty terrorists have been put back out there is bothersome.
The question still stands. "What do we do?" I can tell you, do not be scared. Israelis have dealt with terror forever. And Americans have had to deal with college students.
With so many terrorists out there, we have to discuss what to do when confronted with a terrorist. First, say "Shalom." Greet them.
This is going to be dark, but here is some advice for how to calm them down.

Show Them Support
As we all know, killing terrorists is wrong. You want to empathize with them. Talk it out. See their perspective.
Support groups are good. Anything where they are thinking killing themselves is not the right thing today. One day at a time. Start a terror support group if that helps. Get them talking about how their parents never believed in them enough. How their parents didn't think they had the ability to blow themselves up. Sometimes, what parents say can hurt. Get them to open up about the day they lived. Terrorists need a safe space to let out their emotions. Their hurt.
Empathize. Maybe give them some warm clothes. A decent coat. Some hot Sabich. It seems to get quite cold in Gaza. This is why they're always wearing ski masks. They never have coats. Empathize a bit. I know Hamas waits for The North Face to have a decent sale before outfitting the Gazans. Give them the coat when they need it.
If they are the suicide type, ask them why they want to take others and not just themselves.

Educate Them
Take the positive approach. Let them know they don't have to blow themselves up to be successful and to receive the adulation of others. Pull them aside for a deep conversation about how you were once down and out when your parents didn't send you enough money to go out drinking in the Shuk when you first made Aliyah. We all go through hard times.
Teach them a new trade. Maybe finance. Get them into investments. Get them involved in a trade where they'll only want to kill themselves if they find out the stock market crashed.
Give them hope. Instruments are good. Teach them to play the ukulele. Ukuleles don't kill people. There is no reason to blow yourself up when you can play beautiful songs like “Over the Rainbow.” And there is no reason to blow up a ukulele, unless if you find yourself at an open mic, or trying to enjoy a series.
Acting is an excellent profession. They're excellent at acting. They've mastered the playing dead. Some of them have already died four or five times. And they pull it, each time.

Redirect Their Anger
Sports is good for this. Redirect their anger to soccer. Soccer fans yell a lot too. They can find hatred for other people that aren't Jewish, known as fans of the other team.
They can feel the same comradery as they do with their fellow terrorists, as they root for their team by jumping up and down and attacking the other fans.
If all else fails, let them know there are other Jews. [That might have been too dark. I apologize for that. Too soon. Three-thousand years is too soon. It's just crazy knowing there are so many terrorists and anti-Semites out there. Even if it's not funny, you will always be able to say this piece is gutsy.]

Lock Your Doors
Terrorists like blowing stuff up. They're not good at picking locks. If your door is locked, it'll take them a while to figure out how to get in.
They may knock. Don’t answer. If you answer, they’ll make their way into the house. This is also why I don’t answer the door when my in-laws visit. [There is always room for a mother-in-law joke. Especially when you're not married and talking about terrorism.]

Sing with Them
Singing brings people together. “Am Yisrael Chai” is a beautiful song.
“Over the Rainbow” would be good times too. Pull out the guitar, the bongo and the ukulele. Stay away from the bonfire. Just sing in a circle. Keep it a circle.
You can always sing the Jihad ABCs with the male Miss Lyle. That will bring back childhood memories about how the Jews are the devil and they should be killed. Childhood memories always warm the heart.

Educate Them on Israel
Their education is off. They think Israel doesn’t exist. And yet their charter says to kill everybody in Israel. [Some jokes don’t land. Maybe this isn't the right topic to try to be funny about.]
Teach them about Israel. Take them on one of those educational seminars where they tell you about water levels. Then, they'll only want to kill the presenter.
Show them how expensive apartments are in Jerusalem and they might change that “Free Palestine” tone to just getting a better deal on housing. Saving some money would be good enough. [Working the Free Palestine pun. Giving it a different angle for you. People are always looking for new angles on the Free Palestine pun.]

Less Rage
Their full of rage. Terrorists are very rageful. They love rage. Days of rage. Mobs of rage. Rage against the machine. If you can just calm them down. If you can just derage them, you'll be OK.
Give them credit for creating falafel and chumus. That will calm them down. That's why they're so outraged all the time, yelling, trying to kill Jews. That's why Arafat created this whole hoax. He just wanted credit for Chumus Abu Ammar.
People take their chumus seriously.

Teach Them About Other Places
Maybe if they saw other places, like Europe, they might want to move there and blow stuff up.

Other Ways to Protect Yourself
When you’re online in the supermarket let them cut. They will get violent.
Look both ways when crossing the street. Look both ways when on a sidewalk. Just look both ways. Always look both ways. And pray.
Pray for the Israeli Army. Pray for the hostages. Pray for their families. Pray for the Jewish people. Pray to Gd that the government doesn't do more dumb stuff. Pray for peace. Pray to Gd that we rid the world of terrorists.

Jews of the Diaspora, be strong. Know you can take out the terrorists. You've already dealt with college students.
[What kind of idiot uses terror to make jokes!]

I've got to tell you about this. I never knew the power of my Yarmulke till this open mic. I thought my Yarmulke was supposed to remind me about Gd. I didn't know it was supposed to get other people mad.

The Story
I sat down at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke on the rocks. I'm not a loser.

This young girl was performing her piece at the open mic in Buffalo. She was old enough to know that Jews should be killed. She had been to college. She had Jewish professors. And she had traveled to France, so she knew about Israel.
As part of her piece she was going off on the "genocide of the Palestinian people." I sat there shocked. Who are these Palestinian people she speaks of? Who was doing this to these Palestinian people? I must stop them. Now. I had just shared laughs with some Arabs in Israel. I am assuming some of them identify as Palestinians. I would hope nobody is doing anything to them. But she was adamant that there was a genocide going on somewhere.
I didn't know if that was part of the song or not. There was no music accompaniment. Maybe it was one of those music storyteller shows where they leave out the music. They get so excited about the story and they forget it's a concert. And she was really getting into this story. She started talking about Israelis being the devil. She was very passionate about that.
I was trying to figure out what she was talking about. And I couldn't figure out how to respond. Everybody loves a good story. What am I going to do? Start yelling at her for her creativity? Shake her up and mess up the story? Maybe she was speaking about the genocide of the Palestinians that lived 4,000 years ago; the start of the Palestinian people and their documented history as a state.

She started speaking of this utopian society where women could frolic and get raped. And finally, rape would be supported. There would be no more judgment of the beheading of little children. A paradise where genocide would finally be defined as defending one's people against enemies who are trying to murder everyone in their nation. She was speaking of a Messianic Palestinian time of redemption. It was a beautiful story, delivered with emotion and tears, setting up the song "Zombie," written in support of the Palestinian people who had to deal with the ruthless British in Ireland. Everybody clapped. The story was amazing. How she intertwined the need to kill all Jews in the utopia which was Palestinian Ireland. It was brilliant. To be honest, I think I even clapped. It was the most creative story. Innovative, ingenious, original.
At least now I knew where the Palestinian genocide was happening. In Ireland.
The story was brilliant, but I felt for those who identify as Palestinian. Did they really feel rape was fine? And she continued with "the day of joy when Jews were dragged through the streets and finally burned. A day in which cheers were had by all." She left some of that part out. Her friends were disappointed. They were hoping for more of the story of Satan the Jew. They wanted to hear more of this utopian ridding of the Jews, as the crowd were pacifists and believed in love of all.
So, she cried for the twelve million reported Gazan deaths and went into the song.

How Do I Respond
My Jewish side and love of my nation and people kicked in. I thought this was wrong, even if it was a story. If you're going to tell a story, tell it correctly. I was bothered she didn't throw the Black Plague into this. If she was going to tell this story with any facts, she would've mentioned how Jews make it a point of drinking blood. Which is Kosher if it's from nonJewish children and Shechted just right.

I didn't know if I could argue against stuff that doesn't exist. I simply sat there, took off my winter hat, and there was my Kippah.
She finished her song on behalf of the Cranberries who wrote it for the Palestinian people of Ireland and everybody clapped. Cheers were heard throughout the streets of Buffalo. "What a piece. The Palestinians of Gaza should be allowed their Gd given right to behead toddlers and burn them with pride. It's their tradition and the Jewish people of Israel have the Chutzpah to try to stop it. Genocide!!! They're committing genocide. Why do the Israelis have an issue with Hamas using their own children in a war? They're their children. Should not all soldiers be protected by their children???" And the story somehow turned real.
That last line was good. You felt that.

They Were Offended
Taking to the cheers and claps she looked to the side and saw me sitting there, with my Kippah. My presence offended all. I killed the brilliant rendition of the Cranberries. No. It was my Kippah. My Kippah was screaming at them and they were offended. The Kippah. That Chutzpan.

Open mic girl's hatred for me was felt. I went to the bathroom and as I came back, with my Kippah still on my head, her friends went to check on her. They saw my Kippah and they were bothered that nobody knocked it off.
Her and all of her friends were having talks about me. "Did he approach you?" They wanted to know if I hit on her. Another act of genocide.
She responded, "No. But his Yarmulke did. And his Yarmilke had a whole lot to say. Perched there, arguing with me. The audacity of the Yarmulke. It even said that his people only want peace and to protect the innocent lives. His Yarmulke told me the Israeli army even knocks on doors and tries to protect the non-terrorist Palestinians who want to kill his people, by letting them know they have to attack the area. Chutzpah. Knocking on doors."

Before I got up for my piece she asked the MC, "Is he going up." And then she ran out with her friends. Crying. "How can they let a Jew sing?! This is America. I thought this was the land of freedom and acceptance. I hate this country."

She was offended by my Kippah. She saw my Kippah and she couldn't argue against it. My Kippah made the bar a not safe space. The presence of the Yarmulke made the bar non-inclusive.
I was thus quarantined to sit at the bar alone. They almost kicked me out, as my Kippah was arguing too much, and very loudly. Quite disruptive. 
Thank Gd, they didn't kick me out. They were going to kick out my Kippah, but my Kippah didn't break any rules. It just said that Jews are a good, kind and caring people, that hate having to go to war and defend against terror.
Kippahs can be very loud. Especially, the Bucharian ones.

My Performance
When they all left, I asked her friend with the Kafeya, "Is it because I'm Jewish?... You don't have to leave because I'm Jewish. I know we can't dance." He smiled. I didn't know where he stood, as he was wearing his Kafeya on his shoulders. I didn't know if that was an American tradition or or an Arab tradition. It seems like most American college students wear Kafeyas on their shoulders. A style thing.
I know it's not an Arab tradition to wear the Kafeya on the head. Maybe it's a Middle Eastern tradition to wear the Kafeya as a shawl when the weather gets really cold in Ireland. That's probably where it started.

I was amazed at the protest against me and my people in a small bar in Buffalo, New York. But I wore that Kippah with pride and sung some songs about people getting along. "Sing along, even if you're Christian. Be happy that you come from a Jew. Because Gd might love you too. Because you come from a Jew. Sing along, even if you're Muslim. Be happy that you believe in one Gd too. Because Gd might love you too. If you know a Jew..." Peace was the message, and the few sitting there turned into lovers of all. Not lovers of terrorists. Lovers of people. Gd might love them too now.
And they all sung and clapped for me. Everybody except for the Zombie and her friends. They were outside crying that Jews are allowed to sing. In solidarity of all humans, they wanted the Jew out. She wanted to get rid of the Israeli.
In her defense, I was occupying a seat at the bar.

Notes
When I got back from the bathroom, I didn't drink my Diet Coke. I am aware of what story time can do to your drink when you're wearing a Kippah.
I did introduce my songs of peace with, "I will not create any new definitions of genocide. Nor will I talk about genocide. Such as the Armenian genocide, perpetrated by the Young Turks." I am guessing she got her story from story time with Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks. I had one of those moments of political brilliance and little knowledge. You can share that with your friends.

Postscript About the Kippah
The Kippah is a real buzz killer. There was somebody sitting there with a Yarmulke, killing the performance. It bothered them so much that, because of Israel, they couldn't defile him and burn him at a bar in Buffalo.
If the bouncer was doing his job, he would've kicked out the Kippah. Yarmulkes are loud. They yell, “I am still here.” And that is offensive to anti-Semites.

Now I know why I wear a Kippah. And that is to piss people off.

Mahmoud Abbas was educated at the University of Damascus. Studied law where he learned the legal right to create history.
Fatah has spent time under Abbas ensuring that they have a history, and I support that. It's not an easy task, and Abbas has taken it on. Much respect.
Abbas has taught that Big Ben was stolen from Palestine. A well-known fact, the clock was placed at Westminster Palace in 1858, after being stolen from Hebron in 1922. He has also empowered his people with knowledge of the Israeli aggressors, who use sharks to attack Gaza. The violent aggressors who trained wild pigs to destroy their fields in the settlements, Israelis also train rats to only bite Arabs. Which, if I may say is the greatest act of modern-day warfare.

I am here to help with more "Palestinian History" and propaganda about the "Israeli Aggressors."
The PLO has done a brilliant job of creating a history that did not exist. Let's help with more history for the Palestinians and their heritage of discovering the Western World.

More Palestinian History You Didn't Know
The Statue of Liberty was made by Palestinians in the year 1304 CE. They delivered it to Jaffa. Then the Americans stole it.

The Arabs built up Tel Aviv from nothing. Then Israelis stole the hotels. The huge breakfast served at Israeli hotels is Arab heritage, known as the Adhan.
It turns out that Israelis stole Mezuzahs from the Muezzin. Mezuzahs are a small Muezzin.

In 1492 Saleem sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. His ships. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, were built in Gaza. And they traveled from the Mediterranean Sea. They first discovered Cyprus. And then America. Not many people know that Cyprus was first discovered in 1492.

The Palestinian people colonized many countries. A history they are very proud of.
The first colonizers of South Africa were Palestinians. Very light-skinned Palestinians.

Waterloo. That was them. Arafat led the charge.

Astrodome. Their idea. They built it.

Byzantine Empire was the Palestinian people's. Byzantine is ancient Greek for Palestinian.

Arafat received the Torah at Mount Sinai, and then took it to Lebanon when the Hashemite Kingdom rejected it. Another piece of Palestinian history we are very proud of.

Queen Esther was a Palestinian girl named Fahid. Her uncle, Mordechai, was really Mamoosh. The Jews stole that story from Mahmoud Abbas. He can prove that.

I left out much of the Palestinian historical facts, such as their building of the Great Wall of China. Which was first known as the Great Wall of Gaza. Which the Chinese stole, brick by brick, in the year 9,427 BCE, around 67.995 million years after the Palestinians first claimed autonomy to their homeland in Uzbekistan, which is modern day Israel.

Palestinian Facts of Israeli Aggressors
The Palestinians are the strongest nation, since the dawn of time. As early as sixty-eight million years ago, when Farid rode a stegosaurus rex to the Temple in Jericho on a motorcycle, Palestinians were already conquering the world. Yet. They have to deal with the Israeli aggressors. Too much aggression.
To note. Palestinians created choppers and that was stolen too. By Israelis.

Israelis have trained chickens to give salmonella poisoning to the people of Ramallah only.

The Jews use the Purim packages, known as Mishloach Manot, to transport thimble sized alcohol that can blow up Arabs. But they give it to Jews, and it doesn’t blow up. Go figure how the Israeli aggressors work.

Israelis birthed around 175k kids in 2024, so they will have more soldiers to fight in the war. The first word of an Israeli child is "I am a colonizer." And then the babies train pacifiers to pass on poison to Arab babies. The poison pacifiers make sure to only sell themselves to Arab Muslim kids.
Shark Tank is a ploy to overtake Palestinian Villages the settlements, known by the colonizers as the West Bank. Jordan is run by Jews.

Palestine was an autonomous state with its own people. Sixty-eight million years of autonomy till the Jews claimed falafel and shwarma as theirs.

The Israelis are not the Israelis. I believe Abbas did say this.
The real Israelis are the people living in Manila. Very bothersome, as the people living in the Philippines are truly the aggressors here. And that is Palestinian history and how they dealt with the Israeli aggressors.
I hope this all makes sense.

Last fact of Israeli aggressors: Jews implanted explosives in pagers to blow up members of Hezbollah. Now it all makes sense. Abbas' is definitely right about the sharks.

Conclusion
To learn more about Palestinian history, I would suggest purchasing a book. I saw a history book selling on Amazon. It was empty. Pages were blank, expressing the rich and honest history of the Palestinian people and their ancestors.

How did they do it? How did the Conversos fool the Spaniards?
Conversos are also called Crypto-Jews, but I wouldn’t suggest investing in them. Crypto means hidden or "a friend told me I could make a lot of money if I listen to him." We will not use Marranos, as that is now offensive, as is anytime I call somebody by something I used to know them. Phil is offended when I call him Phil. I used to call him Phil, now that offends him. So, I call him Crypto-Mark. To answer your question, the Spanish people were not very smart, so hiding their Judaism wasn’t very hard. Here is how they fooled them. Here is what they told the Inquisitors.

Mezuzahs
It just got stuck there on the doorpost. It's a windchime that got stuck.
How they got all over the house, is an excellent question. We built one room at a time, so each room you see was at one point the room leading out of the house. A lot of windchimes.
The new windchimes from Bernaldo's Home and Repair?! Well. The house developed goiters. Some came out in interesting shapes, so we carved a Magen David into them. Jewish stars just look nice. We like the pattern.

Tefillin
Messed up belts. The buckles got too big. Turned into huge boxes. I thought one would look cool on the head. Right?! I know it looks kind of cool. Style-arte if you will. It's a fashion thing I'm trying.

Yarmulke
No. It's not a Kippah. It's a hat without a visor. Sometimes, you don't need that stuff popping out around the head, keeping out the sun. You just need the top. My family balds real fast. It stops the sunburn up there.
And how do you know what a Kippah is?! (that will stop the Inquisitors from asking more questions)

Shofar
This is part of the horns section. We thought a trumpet, then we said we like this sound. Can only do this note, but that's the note we want.
We like these three specific sounds with it. The one blast. The three short blasts. The seven quick blasts. That's the kind of music we like. 
Yeah. We were playing it for a day or two in Septembe. Then we get board of it.

Chanukiah
It's not a Menorah. It's a lamp. A candelabra with eight stems, and then one in the middle. The middle one is a little higher for decoratory purposes.
Check out the oil we use. Yeah. We like to keep around eight days' worth. 

Jewish Art
It's just the look. It's the look we like. It's that ancient Temple look with people in sackcloth. Love the dichotomy.
No. That's Arabic letters written on top of the ark.

Tzedakah
We like putting our charity in a tiny box, with a slit. We make sure to never give more than a nickel at a time. It's our family tradition to be cheap. 
It's a piggy bank. Yeah. That's what it is. A piggy bank. A charity pig. We save money for others. 

Torah Scroll
No. That's just more enjoyable. Ever try reading off a scroll? It makes you feel like royalty.
A scroll with Arabic that was dedicated by the Schwartz family. Yeah. That's why the cloth covers it. They dedicated it to our house in honor of their grandparents.
Why are we yelling at the guy reading it?! We're all his teachers. One student and a lot of teachers teaching this guy how to read Arabic off a scroll correctly. More teachers is more affective.
​
They were so good at fooling Inquisitors that many decedents of Crypto-Jews don't even know they have Jewish ancestry. They have a nice book with five books in it that Papa used to like to read every Saturday morning. Then they have that family tradition of having a huge last supper every year, with big crackers and four cups of wine. A family tradition to get the little ones drunk and asking questions about the famous family saltwater recipe. Then they have the fancy food cubbies for three flat round tortillas that their grandparents liked to use around springtime. 
And that is how Bitcoin started.

They're still accusing Israel of aggression. So, I figured I would put together some of the arguments against the lies again. It's a tradition to re-argue against the lies every half a year. We have to do this almost as often as we vote in Israel.
If accusing Israel of stuff they didn't do bothers you, I’m guessing antisemitism bothers you. Good luck. In the meantime, here are some myths I noticed surfacing this year. I’ll give you some ways of debunking them so you can be friends with people that hate you again.
I apologize if you're offended by my calling terrorists.

Genocide
Fools are calling Jewish defense of Israel genocide.
You're truly not trying to kill a people when you're knocking on their doors, warning them you're planning a surprise attack.
Israel is always trying to give warning to civilians to get out. Israeli soldiers are knocking on doors, "Excuse me. Just wanted to say 'Shalom.' We hear there is a terrorist in your house. We didn't want to disturb anybody. Pleases let them know we're attacking tomorrow at 12:13pm, to be exact. It's a surprise attack. Might be a couple minutes late. We don't want to shock anybody." And most of the time, out of politeness, the soldiers ring the bell.
They're dropping flyers with information on where to go. Inviting the terrorists to rock concerts. It's the most friendly attack. We send leaflets letting them know there's a terrorist living in their home. We announced on the radio that people were drilling under their homes, just in case they didn't contract for renovations. We didn't want the Gazans to have to pay for work on their home they didn't want. Israel even calls their cellphones, just in case their kids never call. First rule in honoring your parents is you call.
We have commanders on loud speakers. "Everybody get out of the area. We're going to be bombing here. If you're a member of Hamas, now is the time. The IDF will be here tomorrow... Sorry. We didn't mean to wake anybody up. We’re sorry if we’re disrupting any production of explosives. Keep safe. Toodeloo."
And the people of Gaza have multiplied eightfold since 1948. Now numbering over two million people who are trying to kill us.

Torture
They're saying Israeli soldiers are torturing the prisoners.
Singing "Am Yisrael Chai" is not torture, even if they're doing that Hora hand dance with it. Singing a song about the Jewish people and our ancestors living is not an evil act, even if the UN calls it a war crime. That's unless if the people from my shul are singing. My community singing anything is wrong. Very off tune.
I must admit, the hand dance does come off as gloating.

There Was a Palestinian State
No. There wasn't. Never.

Rape is Fine if It's Against Jews
No. It's not. At least I don't think so. I might be wrong here. I don't associate with the feminist movement.

FIDF is Anti-Israeli Soldiers
FIDF stands for Friends of the Israel Defense Forces. I also thought it was against the IDF when I heard it the first time. It's not 'F the.'

Jews Try to Be Funny
Jews take a chance at being funny.
Fact: Sometimes they're not.

Israelis are Aggressors
They claim Jews are aggressors.
Have you ever seen Israeli Folk Dancing? You can't be an aggressor while dancing like that. You can't do a "Mayim BSason" twirl and scare people.
We've been accused of being aggressors ever since we got attacked in the late 1800s for making Israel livable. Sorry. Palestine. I didn't mean to offend anybody's hatred of Jews.
It seems like some of the Arabs and BBC don't understand the definitions the way I do. Correctly. The way the dictionary defines the words. The meaning of the words that they are using. With punctuation used. The intended application. The English language.
They're calling Jews aggressors for dancing. Saying Jews have committed genocide by trying to save lives of people who are housing terrorists. Maybe they just understand English differently. English is not their first language. Nor is it the New York Times'.

Apartheid
This must mean "allowing foreign people to come into your land and work, even if they want to kill you." I believe that's the Oxford definition.

ELAL is Giving Deals
No. ELAL is charging as much as possible. Fact. They are loving the war.

The Death Toll in Gaza is...
I believe the death toll is up to 12 million Gazans now.
I'm not making fun of death. Innocent people dying is a tragedy. I'm trying to understand arithmetic and how more people have been killed than there are.
They're throwing numbers out there and the BBC and CNN are going with it. You can't just say people are dying if they don't exist. Again, I'm feeling stupid. Metaphysically, someone who was never born is dead. That must be it. Over ten million Gazans were never born because of Israel. I'm just not as spiritually in touch as news anchor.
We need death rules: a) You have to be dead to be considered dead. b) You can't die more than once. You die. That's it. You're dead. I saw one kid die fourteen times. It's a tragedy. Fourteen of them. And I feel bad for the kid. c) You can't not be dead and be dead. I saw a video where the guy was laying there, dead. He then, flipped the sheet off, reached up and got a Coke from his friend. The hardship that guy went through. Do you know what it's like to be dead with a parched throat. To think he had an itch under the sheet as well. A dead person shouldn't know of such things. Another dead guy jumped off the stretcher at his own funeral and started running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I believe that was number 13 million and 2. Another million have died since publishing this article. Hamas reported it.

People Like Carlebach Minyins
Myth: Some people like to sing for five hours in shul. Fact: It turns out Jews want to get out of shul.
Speaking of crimes against our people. If Israelis were making the Gazans sit through a Carlebach service, I would side with the UN.

Occupiers
They say Jews are occupiers. They say that us being in Israel is "the occupation."
My father A"H told me that his mother always said that "a Jewish boy should have a good occupation."
Anything sounds bad when you add "the" in there. "The vote." When was that? It ruined so many lives. If they just called it "Nakba" they'd be celebrating. They'd be thanking Jordan, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon. Even the Egyptians. It's the fact that they always say "The Nakba."

Israel Has Elections All the Time
That's true.

The People of Gaza are Innocent
They say the people who voted for Hamas have nothing to do with Hamas.
Is this why they were cheering when they heard Jews were killed. Is this why they were having parties when they saw an Israeli woman raped. Sorry. I don't have a joke for this one yet.
Arab villages in the settlements had fireworks going off on October 7th. It seemed like thousands of people got married specifically that night. Maybe they thought it was a football match.

I hope this helps.
There is more. They say Israel is committing war crimes, singing songs like "Am Yisrael Chai" which the Geneva Convention banned. And they say that the people of Israel are divided. Nobody is taking this war that seriously. It's not the Supreme Court we're talking about.
It's hard to fight the propaganda when you're being attacked by a people whose number one weapon is their three year old child. Hamas is using them as shields, shooting them out of cannons, killing them fourteen times.
They one thing they accurately claimed is attempted genocide, already on October 8th. Hamas tried. Many have tried. But we stand strong, from the river to the sea.
"Am Yisrael Chai." There I go. Committing genocidal war crimes.

Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up.

The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up.

Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week.
We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know.

Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul.
All classes this week are cancelled.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right...
Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though...
From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah...

(Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault.
We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am.

(Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late...
They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse.

Things have to be done at the right time.
Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome.

Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd...
Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?!

Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing.
The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew...
Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees...
We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out...

But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach...
Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva...
A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?!
You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times.

Rivka's Rundown
A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them.
That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club.

The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair.

Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time.
The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise
When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them.

The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well.

So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’
They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’
The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class.

It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up.

It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that.
It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around.
Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us.
They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie.
A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are.

They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers.
The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave.

Prelude
The security meeting was and the wise men and women of Chelm were worried because of the meeting. To quote Rivka, 'It was a meeting. That should worry anybody.' It turns out it was a committee meeting, which had people worried more. Some ran, worried they would have to volunteer.
Discussion of the need for security was clear, as expressed by Moishele, 'Without security anything can happen.' And all of the wise men and women of Chelm agreed with the brilliance of Moishele. Security was now a necessity at all events, as nobody wanted anything to happen.
Security was not enough though. People showed up to the Pesach concert and no community member wants that. It was noted at the Pesach concert, people showed up and that was dangerous. Nobody likes Yankel and he was there.
'Why did people come to the Pesach concert?' the community protested. After much discussion they concluded, 'Because they knew where it was.' 'Here we have another security concern,' Moishele interjected. And so it was in the books of Chelm.

The Event
Excited for the upcoming holiday of Israeli Independence Day, Lazer Shwartzawitz shouted, 'Who's going to the Yom HaAtzmaut parade of Jewish pride?' And Moishele, as the new head of security, as he spoke up at the meeting and he teaches Mishna at the Cheder, ensured that it will be safe. And all were ready to show how proud they were of their Jewishness in a safe undesignated location.
Duvidel the party pooper answered, 'I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be...' Shouts of, 'Duvidel the fool. He has no idea what it means to be a proud Jew.' To which Duvidel continued, 'How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is? How do you show pride if you are afraid of people knowing where you are? Where do you walk on a parade if you can't be seen? How do you show up to "I don’t know where"?'
Moishele cried out, 'You fool. You show pride by be being there.' To which Duvidel responded, 'Where is there?' And the wise men and women of Chelm were in shock by Duvidel's stupidity. Protests of, 'You cynic,' 'Duvidel the heretic who doesn't believe,' 'There goes Duvidel ruining another great program. He thinks he can't show to an event, just because he has no idea where it is. The little he knows...' were heard throughout Chelm.

More Arguments Against Duvidel Who Doesn't Understand These Times
Berel the Gabai interjected, 'In these times we have to be safe.'
Fayge was so proud. 'My Gabai is so wise. He understands the need for security, as it is these times.' Shaindel agreed and said, 'These times.'
No one could argue with 'these times.' As Fayge noted, 'It all makes sense when you say it like that. We definitely need security.' And the wise men and women of Chelm were more worried, as they heard 'these times.' A scary thing to hear about the Jewish people.
Duvidel again asked a dumb question, 'What does these times mean?' And Duvidel caused another round of protests, 'That cynic. He should be ashamed. Doesn't understand "these times."'
Menachem explained, 'It means these times. What kind of a heretic would argue with "these times"? Only one who does not care for his people. One who does not understand the power of a parade.' And Duvidel was again thrown out of the community for the third time in one meeting. How he kept interjecting after being thrown out is a miracle. How everybody knew where the meeting was in these times is another miracle. And what's worse is this board meeting, as all Jewish board meetings at my shul, was full of anti-Semites.
And a standoff occurred, as all watched. Duvidel shot, 'At what times will you announce the location of an event?' Menachem shot back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel counterattacked, 'Then you will never announce where an event is.' Menachem came right back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel asked, 'What about at other times?' Menachem retorted, 'Only if those other times are not these times.' Duvidel re-retorted, 'But those will be these times.' To which Menachem said, 'You are correct.'

The Event Was a Success
When asked why so few people showed up to the event, Duvidel would say, 'They didn't know where it is.' And the wise men and women of Chelm would say, 'Because of Duvidel.'
Shaindel spoke of the parade with great pride, 'It turned out to be very safe with eight people.'
To this day, the organizers are still very happy that people didn't show. To quote Shirley, the head of the Jewish Federation, 'It was the safest event we ever had. And we are proud of that. It was also the most enjoyable Jewish event I ever attended during these times. Another amazing program. Hopefully next time we will have less Jews.' To which the wise men and women concurred.

Epilogue
And now the shul has security on all fronts, ensuring that Jews don't come.
Yankel joined Duvidel and tried arguing, but the argument of 'these times' was so brilliantly phrased by the Gabai who said, 'In these times,' that everybody knew they needed to have security and safety. As it was these times, and that was true.
And now they have more events than ever. Daily events. Every day at 7pm. Huge organized celebrations. And nobody knows where they are. And security can ensure that everybody is safe.

Donors thought this was the best use of Jewish monies. Millions poured in for the security plans of not telling people about the location of events. Just the placards ran into the hundreds of thousands. And the consulting that had to be done to figure out where to put placards when they couldn't be seen was a whole other ordeal that had to be dealt with. The cost of figuring out where signs can't be took the community to a deficit.
Yankel with Chutzpah asked, 'What about the Jewish day school. Educating our children.' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'You fool. School is not safe.' To which Yankel agreed. And the children didn't show up to the day school anymore. For their safety, every day they were told to show up to somewhere without being told where it was. And all of the children of Chelm were safe.

The Jewish Federation of Chelm has gained huge support for these programs, raising millions of dollars.
A group of dissenters developed when nobody could find a Kiddish that had no location. There is a limit. And that limit is not being able to find free food. To quote one of the dissenters, 'I will risk my life for Kugel and Kichel. Even during these times.'

And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. The wise men and women didn't acre to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there.