Announcements
We’re sorry that our announcements are going backwards a month to September. We thought August was October. And thus, they were written as October. Our secretary is from Florida. She’s used to hotter weather in the summer. She thought it was already winter.
To not worry. The Shabbat handout will have October after September as well, when it's October. It turns out there is another October then too.
We will not be celebrating Menachem’s Bar Mitzvah again. The Kiddish the first time was Shvach.
 
The rabbi says everybody has to go to Israel. He does not want to see you in our shul. Israel needs volunteers. To quote our rabbi, "The shul does not need volunteers or congregants. Hopefully you don't ruin Israel to."
 
The rabbi suggests everybody purchase new Kippahs, because the shul membership looks like a bunch of Apikorsim. You all look like heretics with the silver tinted satin Yarmulkes, doubling as safety reflector Kippahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Miss School and Holidays by Listening to Our Board and Reading Our Shul's Announcements. How Long to Spend Trying on Kippahs for Purchase- The Art of Not Wearing Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke as a Style. The Chiyuv of Moving to Israel and Away from Topeka- An Obligation to Not Be a Congregant in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Help people... Yes. The Parsha says to be useful. There's a Mitzvah to help. The Parsha does not say to be a congregant of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah... Forget about a horse. You didn't pick up Bernie's phone. He dropped his phone and you left it. You said, "There goes my back. I don't have to keep Mitzvahs"...

(Devarim 23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Have you seen the kids at Camp Rachok MeiHorim? Little devils. There's not even a war...
We learn that this is for those going out to war. Rashi teaches, “Because the Satan goes offensive at times of war.” You think you're fighting the Canaanites and the Amalekites. Next thing you know, you're fighting Satan. You have Ruchel coming at you from one side. And the shul renovation committee coming at you...
I've always been against Color War. Color War also brings out the worst in people. They go to battle, they start singing "Bang Bang Clap B-Bang B-Bang Clap Clap" and it turns ugly real quick. Evil overtakes. Next thing you know, they’re never wearing blue T-shirts again...
The blue team was the Amalekites. That's what my kid at Camp Rachok MeiHorim said...

It’s easy for those in battle to sin. As the Ramban talks about the stress. Color War is a curse. And then that capture the flag thing. Like taking captives and sinning... It's all stressful. Losing at the wheelbarrow and egg on a spoon race is very stressful.
It's our homes. Our neighborhoods. When people are out, we have to keep our camps holy. Those left in the camp have to keep it going. That’s the task of the non-warriors. The shopkeepers. Not to try to steal when war brings their business down. To keep the business going when nobody is buying anything. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are excellent at being unsuccessful...

Morality can get lost when you’re dealing with chaos. When people are far from home. This is why I tell you to not go on summer vacations... You go on vacation. Nobody is taking care of the shul. And then you can't afford dues.

Have we kept our camp holy?! In this time of war, have we guarded from evil?!
It’s easy to lose a sense of morality when something so serious as war is going on, and when you have a membership like ours. The Mitzvot of acting right. Helping others with their animals. Not acting perverse like Shmuli who tells the dirtiest jokes... Not in Shul, Shmuli. The one about the priest and the imam has got to stop. We're in shul.
Do you know how easy it is to tell dirty jokes in times of war...

And so many things went wrong due to you all losing sight. We can’t let Satan have us lose sight as to what’s important. Even in times of war. And that is a decent Kiddish.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was awful. Kichel?! Gefilte fish balls?! It's a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish. At least have loaf fish...

When you go on your vacations are you wearing Kippahs... Yes. You should wear Kippahs in war too. How war and vacation are the same thing is baffling. To this American congregation, going to war is making sure you don't get cut off on line at Disney World. Battling to keep your spot at the Snoopy Roller Ride... 
In war, you camouflage. You don't wear Menachem's Bar Mitzvah silver foil reflector Yarmulke...
Trying on Kippahs from the Bar Mitzvah Kippah box is messed up. HaKipah is a brand. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah- October 18th 2025, is not a brand. And it was August 18th 2025...
You look like idiots. Like Satan got into your Kippah. Guard against looking like an idiot. Satan is in your Satin...

The board went the whole month calling August October in the newsletter, and nobody said a thing. Is that Satan?... I understand it's the board. Same thing...
Nobody reads the Shabbat announcement. Nobody said anything about the fact we missed Rosh Hashana in August?!...
Nobody reads it Ruchel. I don't know how you can call it announcements if nobody reads it?... Announcements to nobody. "We are announcing the Shiva to nobody." That's why nobody shows up. Because they don't read it. 
Maybe if you made announcements like normal people, with the correct month, people would show up at the right time... I don't know what we're going to do with all of Mencahem's friends and cousins who are planning to come in October...
Wherever we are. Whatever we do. Even if we're showing up in the wrong season, because of the board. We have to be strong in our convictions of following the Mitzvot.
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was evil. It had people fighting to try to find decent food. It was a Satan filled Kishka...

Nothing is the same as being in Israel. Keeping the Israel camp in Israel... Camp Rachok MeiHorim has a Hebrew name. But it is not in Israel... It's not keeping the camp of Israel holy... No. It's not a summer camp. It doesn't cost 12k. It's our people-hood. Where we're supposed to live... You talk about it. You send stuff. If you’re not there, you’re not on the front lines. You're immoral. You're not keeping the camp from evil... You can go to Israel now. You can leave our congregation. There is no COVID... OK. So there are missiles.
Satan keeps you from helping your people with missiles. You are letting the war keep you from what is right. (23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Which is why I'm trying to get you all out of here...
Don't let war take away your moral compass.
That is Israel. Israel is our camp. And it's cheaper than Camp Rachok MeiHorim.

There's a war going on. Go to Israel. Volunteer. Help... I am not telling Nachum to go. The guy hasn't helped with anything. He will just bring dumb ideas with him. He will hurt Israel. He'll probably start a committee...
The Mitzvah is to help fight evil. To help your people remain strong. The Mitzvah isn't to go to Israel to complain about your back...

You have to purchase the Kippah correctly. You don’t just take one. You fit it. See how it hits the back of the head. You take two mirrors...
You guys just slap the thing on your head. It looks pathetic.
And you don't even pass on morals to your children. I saw you drop a Kippah and you didn’t pick it up. Your child didn’t help. There won't be morality and Mitzvahs in time of war, if your camp is already not Mitzvahdik... Your home is the camp here.
You have to guard something from evil... It's not your new wall to wall flat screen. It's Mitzvot...
I understand the Kippah was ugly. I know. I saw it. Guarding your reflector satin thing perched on your skull is maybe not something important to you. Make sure you have something to guard, other than a decent TV. You don't even have Max...
Give them values to guard. Your child didn't help pick up the Kippah because they have no values. That’s what they teach these kids at Color War...

Acting with purity, even in times of war.
(Devarim 23:15) “For H’ your Gd walks in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. And your camp will be Kasdosh. And He will not see a shameful thing in you and turn away from behind you.”
When H' walks in the midst camp. You have to guard that. Why this shul has so much security now makes no sense... What are we guarding? The new quilt you put up on the wall?! It's not holy... It's not even a community quilt. Brenda donated it because she had to get rid of it. She put it in the laundry and brought it. For some reason, the renovation team decided to hang it up... Not all quilts bring community together. She didn't even bring the duvet... I know. You would've hung it up if she gave it.
The quilt is shameful.

It’s about holiness. Even in war. Keeping the Mitzvot in the hard times. Not messing up August for everybody. Having them worried about snow days at the end of summer... Something to guard. We have to create something to guard. Something worthwhile to keep Satan from it...
Is it in the camp that we must guard, or those who are out to war?! I propose it is both. We must guard against board members everywhere...

Our holy people of Israel have acted properly in this war. Keeping Mitzvahs.
Tefillin... Don’t know if you're supposed to lay Tefilling while being shot at.
They wore their Kippahs correctly in Gaza. Not shiny Yarmulkes. 
Also, in the communities. They wore their Kippahs proudly. Everywhere except for Topeka.
Their kindness was guarded. Quilts were donated. Not by our community... Why we put one up on a wall, when kids can be sleeping with it.
And in our camp of Israel, everywhere, we kept it good. We still saw H'. A holy people...

When we are weakest, the Satan is there for us. Be it temptation. Be it war. Be it Nachum’s back... We must keep morals no matter what. For Gd. Even at the worst of times. Even in battle. Even at Menachem's Bar Mitzvah...
We have to keep whatever camp we are in holy. To guard against our evil at home. And that is the board. We have to do something about the board. Maybe get them to move to Israel... 
We have weak kids. Not one of them made the high school football team. Evil is in that camp. There's too much arts and crafts going on at Camp Rachok MeiHorim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi blamed the problems in our congregation on people too focused on vacation. Our congregants can care less about war. They forget about Gd when they're on vacation. To quote Nachum, "It's a battle every time we go to Orlando. It's so crowded."

Our Jewish people have been an Ohr LGoyim in this war. A light amongst the nations. And Israel has gotten blamed for it too. Israel has fought off Satan. As the rabbi said, "Some of our members visited Israel, and Israel still survived."
Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was not an Ohr LGoyim. If nonJews start serving post service refreshments like that, people will leave their religions.

I agree with the rabbi. The things that go wrong in Israel are because our membership makes dumb decisions. I believe he called the members of our shul Congregites.
Here are things that go wrong: Kippahs. Messed up Yarmulkes that shine. I can't Daven in shul with the glare coming off the Kippahs, hitting my Siddur. The wall hangings. They should be meaningful. Not somebody's bedding. I thought community quilts were made with meaning. Not slept in. Kiddish without loaf fish and schmaltz herring. They served the salty water herring. Taste buds have changed over the past hundred years. Our board. Committees. People showing up to shul. Everything goes wrong. And we wouldn't even know when it went wrong because I think we're in November now.

Our congregants are just not helpful. They sin even without war. Our kids won't help if somebody falls. I believe Nachum said, "If somebody lost the shirt off their back, I wouldn't bend." It might have been, "If somebody needed a shirt. I would give them a decent place to buy one."
Maybe blaming our members is a myopic view of the world. But at least it gives the rabbi and me somebody to blame. Somebody has to be blamed for the messed up Kiddishes we've had lately.

I can’t believe I missed that they were calling August "October." I just thought we were having a very hot October this year.
The leftists in our shul used the October mistake to prove their argument of global warming. The rabbi argued, “You can’t argue global warming is happening because our board is a bunch of fools.

Brenda's community quilt for Shalom was worn out. It was an old blanket with fraying corners.

The rabbi got many congregants to go to Israel. They all felt good being in the Holy Land after five years of not visiting. COVID, the war, and Yankel the tailor who wouldn't stop talking about how the price of flights to Israel right now, kept our members from visiting for a while.
When the rabbi suggested our volunteering in Israel to our members, he was hoping they would volunteer to move there.

The members were mad the rabbi said there was no COVID. That was more controversial than rockets hitting Israel. They wanted more COVID. One congregant yelled, "THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE MASKS, RABBI?!!!"

The guys in our shul truly look like heretics, walking around with reflector Yarmulkes. What Menachem's Bar Mitzvah with the free Yarmulkes did to them. They're messed up Kippahs.
Due to the need for non-reflector Kippahs, so people don't get blinded when Davening, the shul purchased new Kippah box Kippahs. There is now a Kippah policy. We used to make everybody wear jackets for Davening. Now, they need to wear normal Kippah.
As the rabbi taught, if you're Pinny, you might want to spend more time trying on Yarmulkes "because you look like a fool."
I think the real message of the sermon was "Satan is in your Satin."

It turns out that people sometimes do get mad when you make fun of them. Even when you make fun of them on Purim. Which makes the fun of making fun of them more fun. I thought that talking about the fact that the Pintzkowitz family didn't pay dues would get a big laugh. It got a big laugh and a very angry family, who didn't pay their dues.
My shul was successful at offending people this year. Brilliant Shpiel. Here are some of the Shpiels they did. Maybe you can adapt them to your congregation next year, and make some of your membership cry too.
 
Trying to Get the Minyin
The Shpiel started with going to different places to find people to join the Minyin. It was cute. They went to the JCC, the laundromat, the nursery school. At the nursery school, the kids say, "My dad doesn't go to Minyin." It was perfect. The honesty of the young ones calling their parents heretics was perfect.
Our members are everywhere except Minyin. At the JCC we see one of our members in the sauna, telling the Minyin gatherers that he's meditating in preparation for Minyin that already passed. Then they brought the Minyin to the golf course, where we see five of the members on the twelfth hole, talking about how they're working on themselves spiritually. They pray after each of them scores worse than a double bogey.
We see Shmuli saying that he can’t make it to Minyin because he has prior commitments. They show up to Shmuli’s home and pull him away from his TV. His prior commitment was HGTV's show about millionaires buying homes. This one worked great for our congregation, as Shmuli is very lazy.
They ended up pulling random people from the supermarket, asking if they’re Jewish, because "they will make better members than anybody in our shul."
Then the members of the shul started saying how lazy Shmuli is, and how we don’t get a Minyin because Shmuli is too busy spending time at the casino. And this Shpiel ended Shmuli’s marriage.
 
The Gabai
Not enough people poke fun at this man. It’s his job to organize the shul and make sure services run smoothly, as he also calls people to the Torah.
This was brilliant. His job is to call people to the Torah by name. He just forgets everybody’s name. The Shpiel guy berated the Gabai, “When you don’t know somebody’s father’s name, you call them the son of Avraham.” We then see the Gabai calling everybody to the Torah as the son of Avraham.
It turned out the Gabai was recently diagnosed with dementia. That was not a planned part of the Shpiel.
Lesson: Don’t make fun of somebody till you know their medical diagnosis.
 
Rabbi Shows to Shul Late
There are more ways to make fun of the rabbi that we didn't hit on last week. You never want to miss a chance to make the rabbi look bad. This is what makes Purim so enjoyable for everybody.
The rabbi comes every day, but he sometimes shows up a few minutes after Minyin started, due to Halachik questions about utensils and funerals. So they focused on that one day he wasn’t on time.
The rabbi, who is a kind and honest spiritual man comes to shul thinking he’s sharing with his congregation in praising Gd, after officiating a funeral. That’s not what they focused on. The Shpiel skipped the part of the eulogy at the funeral, which helped the family cope with their daughter's death. They just showed the rabbi coming late to Minyin and the congregants firing him. And as part of the Shpiel, to add life and spunk, they truly fired the rabbi.
Nobody was offended by this, because they were making fun of the rabbi.

The Bar Mitzvah Boy
Is there anything easier to make fun of than a thirteen year old messing up Torah reading? Voice cracking. Just get up there, read anything real bad, with a voice that sounds off.
They made Mendel Hershkovitz cry, mocking his crackling high pitch voice during his Aliyah to the Torah. Mendel started bawling, telling everybody he just went through puberty during his Haftorah. Priceless.
Lesson: Always make sure you know what people are going through before you throw them into the Shpiel. And it turns out, due to Mendel's messed up Torah reading, people took back their gifts.

The Grammen
When you make fun of people in song form, it rubs it in more. And that's what the artists did in our shul's Shpiel. They got everybody involved in the song. And then they made the people cry more, while stringing sentences together about how they are not beneficial to the shul in rhyming form.
The idea of the Grammen is to make fun of the membership, and then to do this “da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da” that repeats, to give the people a little time to look at themselves and cry a bit more. Some say "na na na na..." as the Nas allow for more of a rubbing it in affect. They may not get the words about how the Bar Mitzvah boy has no friends right away. The "da da da" part of the Grammen allows you time to think of the rhyme and how Mendel lost all of his friends when puberty hit.

Some of the Grammen Rhymes That Hit
The Schwartzs show up late to shul. Dadadadadada. And their youngest son has no friends in school. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great. Though it had nothing to do with not getting a Minyin, because Brian Schwartz is only eight, Brian still cried.
The Gabai messes up everybody's name. Dadadadadada. Him and his wife are extremely lame. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great, as the Gabai's wife can't walk. Nobody did research into the Gabai's family's health history before the Shpiel.
The rabbi of our shul always shows up late. Dadadadadada. And Pinchas never gets a date. Dadadadadada. This was brilliant, as Pinchas is single and a loser.
The Bar Mitzvah boy sounds like a toad. Dadadadadada. His sister is a very wide load. Dadadadadada. This got a perfect response, as his sister started crying too. His sister put on eighty pounds last year.
 
Remember. If you made them cry, you know the jokes truly hit. If you lose the crowd, making fun of the rabbi brings them back on your side.

The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.

Close Friends Table
These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding.
If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough.
They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack.

Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys
Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys.
 
Bride’s Girl Friend Table
This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met.
They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb.
They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys.
 
Singles Table
This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness.
On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you.
If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married.
If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive.
 
CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table
These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible.
Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD.
If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein.
 
Kids Table
Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height.  Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads.
This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers.

No Place Card Table
You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord.
If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down. 
They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways.

Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with.
You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too.
And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there.

Though the streets are open and wedding halls are there for rent, many still want to host Zoomchas. It's a great way to save money and to not have to see your guests.
If COVID didn't teach us anything, it taught us how you host a Zoomcha. Last time, I taught you how to attend a Simcha online. Now, we focus on you and how to invite guests to not join you in the Simcha Hall (at your home).

Pick The Right People to Attend
You need witnesses, even at your Zoomcha wedding. So, don't invite me.
I was one of the ten allowed legally at a wedding. They should’ve picked people better. If you can only have ten, you don’t invite the third cousin. If you have that few of guests, you should know them all, and their birthdays. The security guard had to ID me.

Save Money
If you’re spending money and renting out a ballroom that people can’t sit in, you don’t understand virtual reality well enough. I understand that there are rules for how to make a Simcha and catering is key. However, it’s quite hard to ensure that the roast is hot by the time it gets to your cousins out in Oakland. Even so, you must thank them for coming to the Zoomcha from all the way out there. Thanking family that doesn’t live next to you is tradition even if they didn't travel. They got on the event from their living room overseas, so welcome them.
Not renting the hall, you now have money for a nice vacation to visit the cousins in Oakland.

Do the Candle Lighting Ceremony Online
It is safer this way. I have seen many grandparents with shaky hands. I always get scared when the Bar Mitzvah boy and his Bubby light a candelabra together, not knowing where it’s going to end up. I would rather Bubby have a hard time trying to figure out how to work the computer camera. At the Zoomcha, there's no chance the Bar Mitzvah boy’s suit will get lit by Bubby.

Mute Everybody for the Speeches
You don’t want to hear what your guests are saying at the tables during the speeches. If you ever heard that, you would’ve made the decision long ago not to invite these ingrates (we invited you ingrates to our Simcha and paid $50 a dish. You're going to hear about how proud we are of his winning the badminton tournament, and you're going to hear everything his grandparents say even if they have no idea which grandchild it is, and you're going to see ever picture we ever took in a slideshow. That's $50 for your dish!!!). For your Zoomcha, you don’t have to hear them whispering 'Now this one is talking?!' from their homes.
Better yet, mute the one giving the speech. Mute all. That will bring happiness to your Zoomcha.

Seperate Families
You don’t need to hear families fighting. That is inevitable. If you didn’t separate families before your Zoomcha, and ensure separate screens in different rooms, garbage and grocery disagreements will happen.
You have a kids table at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. You should have a kids screens at the houses.

Catering
Tell the guests to get up and go to the kitchen for a second. If any of them complain, tell them it's a buffet.
You also want the feeling of a bar. So, tell people to get a drink and wait eight minutes before pouring it. Waiting will give the full feel of having to wait for somebody, that cut you off at the Simcha, to order their mixed cocktail that the bartender doesn't know how to make.

Link the Registry
Like any good Youtube video where they tell you to subscribe, constantly remind the people you invited to check out the link for the registry. Text it throughout the ZoomMitzvah and ZoomWedding, and then tell them where to click. Forget about not feeding them, you guilt them into getting your child the new refrigerator. There is no reason to have them at the ZoomWedding if they’re not getting you appliances.
 
Have a Dress Code
You want to show that you have full control of your Simcha and over the people attending. Remember, even if people are not coming, it's your day to get across your political message. So, make people wear a mask at their house. 

In Conclusion
If you choose to not do the full Zoomcha, and go for the livestream, all the more respect. If you sent me an invitation that said 'please don't come,' I would respect you even more. It's the modern day Take Out restaurant of Jewish celebrations, where you're telling me that you don't want me in the establishment with you, and I respect that.
So post it on Youtube, and allow your guests to attend when it works for them; in bed, over dinner, at the park, while attending a Simcha. I would say to use Midabrim, but I am not a fan of Lashon Hara (that was for those who understand transliteration).
As long as you find a way to get gifts out of the people, you're running your online Simcha right. So Zoomcha, Mitzvacha or Chatuncha, and make sure you register online as well. It's not very hard to post a link in the middle of the Chupah, with a 'click here to purchase dishes for the bride and groom.'

EPILOGUE: DON'T SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN PERSON
Social distancing in a hall doesn’t work for Simchas. Circle dancing at a six foot distance doesn't have the right feel. First, it's hard to judge if you're correctly six feet away. If you're not, then you're ruining the symmetry of the circle. And you need a huge hall for anything more than thirty people. And don't make guests put on plastic gloves, unless if you're trying to get them to sweat.
Make sure you can hug your parents if they're coming to your Simcha. Don’t rent a hall to see your parents and remind them of how much you don't care about them. You barely called last year. 
It was a messed up event. The Chuppah didn’t work either. The big question was, 'Who’s holding up the canopy?' That was answered quickly by the rabbi, 'Nobody!' They wanted to have a safe wedding even if the canopy would fall and take out the bride with it.
As the fear of possible affection ensued, the rabbi got in his line, 'We're going to ask the husband and wife to stay away from each other... Before putting on the ring, can we get the gloves?'
Point: Don't run a Simcha in person, unless if people are allowed to touch.

Summer is coming, which means it's time to celebrate. So get your screen ready for another season of Simchas. You have another half a year to show up to your Simchas online. Take advantage of it and do it right.
Some people will be showing up to parks and wedding halls. However, in all cases, you can still celebrate from your living room. Blaming your not wanting to show up to the party, on COVID, is still acceptable. 
There are communities out there that are still in the middle of the pandemic, and I am here to help.

The word “simcha” which is used to describe celebrations, actually means happiness. But happiness is hard when you show up to your grandparents’ house and they yell at you to stay away so you don’t kill them. It’s hard to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah when you can’t hug your family. It’s hard to have a wedding when people are trying to figure out how to lift you up on a chair from six feet away.
But we Jews don’t give up so easily. We’ve invented many innovative ways to celebrate virtually such as ZoomMitzvah, ZoomWedding or a ZoomMoyel for the Bris. I am here to help you get the most out of your Zoomcha. Here is how to be a guest at a Zoomcha.

BEING A GUEST AT THE ZOOMCHA
I learned this over the past year.

Proper Attire
You should be wearing a jacket, tie and shorts. Zoomchas are celebrated from the waist up. You wasted money on those new fancy colorful socks. You’re fifty years old! Even your teenage son looks foolish with the tight high pants and the zigzag brown, red, yellow, purple, fluorescent green socks.
You can wear a mask if you want to let people know that you care about society more than them.

Tip Your Webcam When You Stand
Be ready for directions you shouldn’t be heeding. The rabbi asked people to stand for the Bar Mitzvah boy to open the ark and nobody angled their screen up. We saw too many plaid shorts. Pajamas too.
Don’t fall for any service cues online. You're at home. You can do what you want. This isn’t Simon Says. You don’t have to follow direction. You never followed directions in shul before, so there is no reason to start now.

Eat the Food in Your House
Another essential component to all Simchas is eating. The kids are there, family is around. It’s time to pull out the pasta you made last week. No Zoomcha is complete without spaghetti and cottage cheese leftovers. While you’re at home, open up the pantry for all to see the deal you found on matzah farfalle. 

Dance with a Hand Raise
The Jewish hand raise dance is a crucial centerpiece of all Jewish celebration. You may not be able to touch the other people, but you have your tablet. Lift your device. A laptop works perfectly. They’re making those so light nowadays; you can toss that thing in the air. I don’t suggest to use a desktop. The Mayim BSason dance hand raise is quite hard to complete with the monitor, hard drive tower and electric strip.
Don’t stand or move your feet. Even if you washed the cargo shorts, nobody wants to see your legs again. 

Show Your Blank Screen
Do not leave the meeting. There is no reason to be rude and let the Bar Mitzvah boy know you don’t care about him. This isn’t shul. You don’t have to abandon him in the middle of his reading. Hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy read can be very painful. Here, you don't have to listen. ​Just leave your screen on. I know this means you've left, but they don't know this. You can head to the den, watch TV; they’ll never know you're in another room, having a good time.

Be Sure to Mute Yourself
You’re the ones we hear fighting! The mic picks it up from the kitchen. And yes we agree, your child should throw out the garbage every once in a while. But why do you need to remind him when Chaim is putting the ring on Malkie? I don’t know. I also don’t know why he had to take out the garbage when it was clear that it wasn’t full.

Clean Your House
We all see it. It's disgusting. You should take out the garbage. At least clean the room. We see it.
And don't pick a room that needs a paint job. I have had to leave many a Zoomcha to make private calls to friends who need renovations and some decent feng shui.

Let’s keep Online Zoomchas after social distancing is over. It's the only way we can be there and get our errands done at the same time.
I'm also a fan of Zoomchim. I don't want to visit family for holidays either. The Chagim at the house, are fine. I can make my own brisket. I don't want to have to hear Uncle Bernie chewing. 
I'm going to ride this Zoomcha wave as long as I can. I don't want to have to buy gifts or show up to parties. To note: If I don't get food, they don't get a gift. That's my policy.

The next step in Simchas is here. Thanks to loosening restrictions, we have moved from Zoomchas, to Outdoorschas. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. What else doesn't roll off the tongue? Having a decent time with other people during COVID.
My brother and sister-in-law ran a beautiful outdoor Bat Mitzvah. It got me thinking how great it is to use a backyard. The backyard has been overlooked for many generations as the perfect place for a Simcha. Other than cutting the grass, most people never use their backyard. They might store a grill there. But they don’t use it. They have an oven in their house. 
Let me help you navigate your Outdoor Simchas during these times where you’re forced to not be allowed to spend $30,000 on a hall.

Save on the Beautician
The humidity is going to frizz up the hair and the makeup is going to run, so don’t bother. I also suggest that you not bother showering. It’s not that bad, as you will be six feet apart. Regarding the makeup, it’s not that bad as you should be standing far away from most people. As for the photographer, get him to focus on taking pictures of your beautiful backyard.

Enjoy the Air Outdoors
My niece’s Bat Mitzvah was the first Simcha where there wasn’t a family fight about the thermostat. This time, family fights were relegated to yelling about frizzy hair.

Phase Three Means You Can Come Close, But Not Interact
Nobody kissed or hugged. They just stared at each other awkwardly. Get used to that weird look. It means “Mazel Tov.”

Build a Huge Tent on Your Lawn
This way you’re complying with the rules and it is outdoors, but it is really indoors.
I went to one Simcha where they put all of their money into the food and there was nothing left for the tent rental. Big mistake. Most of the food got wet and the rest of it was brought inside. But nobody could come inside so they just stared at the food longingly through the window as the Bar Mitzvah boy tried to give his speech.

Rained Out
One Simcha I went to without tents had a rain delay. They told everybody that they were going to continue in an hour. I have never seen a Bat Mitzvah speech rain delayed. I thought it was a baseball game. One guy even said, “We’re calling it off for now. Come back later. She’s going to give two speeches.” He thought that coming back to the party enforced the double header rule. At least the Bat Mitzvah girl had a good attitude – she told me that she felt like she was at Yankee Stadium.

The Shmorg
The smorgasbord is about trying to look classy, eating while standing, with a slab of mustard on your tie, while engulfing pigs in a blankets and licking your fingers for the comprehensive taste. Now, you can look classier inhaling all the tiny hot dogs, standing outside, sweating drooling six feet away from your friends, and yelling over no music.

Social Distancing at Hors d'oeuvres Table
That is impossible. Everybody likes the pigs in the blanket too much. There is no six feet rule for hands attacking decent food.

Food Must Be Individually Packed
For safety, the food must be covered. Otherwise, all of the spittle from those taking the food while yelling at their friends across the yard, will land into the food you’re eating.
This whole social distancing makes me question why I ever went to a food court. It’s disgusting. All the sudden, now that we know of one virus, people sneezing around my dinner is finally considered wrong??!!

Finally the Grill is being Used
This worked real well for eight of the guests. The other two hundred did not get a burger.
Eight people were crowded around that thing the whole time. The grill only did six burgers at a time. Yet, they did not move.

Pictures at a Distance
Friendship pictures were taken of the girls standing six-feet apart. To note, social distance does not always look very friendly. I think when the Bat Mitzvah girl looks back at her pictures many years from now she’s going to wonder why her friends don’t really like her.

Speech Won’t be Heard
It’s outside. That’s fine. Nobody really wants to listen to a twelve or thirteen year old thank her parents while trying to connect it to the weekly Torah portion.

The Pictures Played on Screen
The most important tradition of the Jewish simcha is taking a photo album and then playing it on a projector to music from the eighties. It’s the middle of the day and it’s light outside? Don’t worry no one wanted to see those pictures anyway.

Hora Dance Around the House
Making a circle around the house can be a great way to celebrate. The bringing of the hands to the middle of the circle move might be hindered by the brick, but it can still be meaningful. Somebody lifted my niece on a chair but nobody could see it, as she was in the middle of the circle, inside the home.

Family Comes from Far
This is so thoughtful. Especially when you have family from Florida who have to quarantine for 14 days. Finally, when your kids go back to school Cousin Irene can pop her head out of the basement and say, “We just came to wish you a ‘Mazel Tov’.”

Organizing Tables is Easier
You don’t have to figure out who will sit next to who. You just sit families together and everybody is mad.

You Can Save on Floral Arrangements
Your backyard is an actual floral arrangement!
​
I was at one outdoor Simcha where they brought in lilies to match the flower patch in their backyard. They insisted that external floral arrangements are a necessary part of all Simchas. They even said their florist insisted in its importance. In the end, it was rained out.
My favorite part of the outdoor Simcha is that you can’t give gifts because of Coronavirus. At least, that’s the excuse I use. Some people gave gifts, but they clearly didn’t care about the health of the poor Bat Mitzvah girl. There is no way to sanitize cash enough for it to be correctly socially distanced.
As far as I am concerned, during Coronavirus, the saying couldn’t be more true, “Your presence is your present.”