The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.

Close Friends Table
These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding.
If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough.
They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack.

Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys
Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys.
 
Bride’s Girl Friend Table
This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met.
They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb.
They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys.
 
Singles Table
This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness.
On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you.
If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married.
If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive.
 
CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table
These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible.
Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD.
If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein.
 
Kids Table
Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height.  Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads.
This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers.

No Place Card Table
You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord.
If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down. 
They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways.

Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with.
You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too.
And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there.

Though the streets are open and wedding halls are there for rent, many still want to host Zoomchas. It's a great way to save money and to not have to see your guests.
If COVID didn't teach us anything, it taught us how you host a Zoomcha. Last time, I taught you how to attend a Simcha online. Now, we focus on you and how to invite guests to not join you in the Simcha Hall (at your home).

Pick The Right People to Attend
You need witnesses, even at your Zoomcha wedding. So, don't invite me.
I was one of the ten allowed legally at a wedding. They should’ve picked people better. If you can only have ten, you don’t invite the third cousin. If you have that few of guests, you should know them all, and their birthdays. The security guard had to ID me.

Save Money
If you’re spending money and renting out a ballroom that people can’t sit in, you don’t understand virtual reality well enough. I understand that there are rules for how to make a Simcha and catering is key. However, it’s quite hard to ensure that the roast is hot by the time it gets to your cousins out in Oakland. Even so, you must thank them for coming to the Zoomcha from all the way out there. Thanking family that doesn’t live next to you is tradition even if they didn't travel. They got on the event from their living room overseas, so welcome them.
Not renting the hall, you now have money for a nice vacation to visit the cousins in Oakland.

Do the Candle Lighting Ceremony Online
It is safer this way. I have seen many grandparents with shaky hands. I always get scared when the Bar Mitzvah boy and his Bubby light a candelabra together, not knowing where it’s going to end up. I would rather Bubby have a hard time trying to figure out how to work the computer camera. At the Zoomcha, there's no chance the Bar Mitzvah boy’s suit will get lit by Bubby.

Mute Everybody for the Speeches
You don’t want to hear what your guests are saying at the tables during the speeches. If you ever heard that, you would’ve made the decision long ago not to invite these ingrates (we invited you ingrates to our Simcha and paid $50 a dish. You're going to hear about how proud we are of his winning the badminton tournament, and you're going to hear everything his grandparents say even if they have no idea which grandchild it is, and you're going to see ever picture we ever took in a slideshow. That's $50 for your dish!!!). For your Zoomcha, you don’t have to hear them whispering 'Now this one is talking?!' from their homes.
Better yet, mute the one giving the speech. Mute all. That will bring happiness to your Zoomcha.

Seperate Families
You don’t need to hear families fighting. That is inevitable. If you didn’t separate families before your Zoomcha, and ensure separate screens in different rooms, garbage and grocery disagreements will happen.
You have a kids table at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. You should have a kids screens at the houses.

Catering
Tell the guests to get up and go to the kitchen for a second. If any of them complain, tell them it's a buffet.
You also want the feeling of a bar. So, tell people to get a drink and wait eight minutes before pouring it. Waiting will give the full feel of having to wait for somebody, that cut you off at the Simcha, to order their mixed cocktail that the bartender doesn't know how to make.

Link the Registry
Like any good Youtube video where they tell you to subscribe, constantly remind the people you invited to check out the link for the registry. Text it throughout the ZoomMitzvah and ZoomWedding, and then tell them where to click. Forget about not feeding them, you guilt them into getting your child the new refrigerator. There is no reason to have them at the ZoomWedding if they’re not getting you appliances.
 
Have a Dress Code
You want to show that you have full control of your Simcha and over the people attending. Remember, even if people are not coming, it's your day to get across your political message. So, make people wear a mask at their house. 

In Conclusion
If you choose to not do the full Zoomcha, and go for the livestream, all the more respect. If you sent me an invitation that said 'please don't come,' I would respect you even more. It's the modern day Take Out restaurant of Jewish celebrations, where you're telling me that you don't want me in the establishment with you, and I respect that.
So post it on Youtube, and allow your guests to attend when it works for them; in bed, over dinner, at the park, while attending a Simcha. I would say to use Midabrim, but I am not a fan of Lashon Hara (that was for those who understand transliteration).
As long as you find a way to get gifts out of the people, you're running your online Simcha right. So Zoomcha, Mitzvacha or Chatuncha, and make sure you register online as well. It's not very hard to post a link in the middle of the Chupah, with a 'click here to purchase dishes for the bride and groom.'

EPILOGUE: DON'T SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN PERSON
Social distancing in a hall doesn’t work for Simchas. Circle dancing at a six foot distance doesn't have the right feel. First, it's hard to judge if you're correctly six feet away. If you're not, then you're ruining the symmetry of the circle. And you need a huge hall for anything more than thirty people. And don't make guests put on plastic gloves, unless if you're trying to get them to sweat.
Make sure you can hug your parents if they're coming to your Simcha. Don’t rent a hall to see your parents and remind them of how much you don't care about them. You barely called last year. 
It was a messed up event. The Chuppah didn’t work either. The big question was, 'Who’s holding up the canopy?' That was answered quickly by the rabbi, 'Nobody!' They wanted to have a safe wedding even if the canopy would fall and take out the bride with it.
As the fear of possible affection ensued, the rabbi got in his line, 'We're going to ask the husband and wife to stay away from each other... Before putting on the ring, can we get the gloves?'
Point: Don't run a Simcha in person, unless if people are allowed to touch.

Summer is coming, which means it's time to celebrate. So get your screen ready for another season of Simchas. You have another half a year to show up to your Simchas online. Take advantage of it and do it right.
Some people will be showing up to parks and wedding halls. However, in all cases, you can still celebrate from your living room. Blaming your not wanting to show up to the party, on COVID, is still acceptable. 
There are communities out there that are still in the middle of the pandemic, and I am here to help.

The word “simcha” which is used to describe celebrations, actually means happiness. But happiness is hard when you show up to your grandparents’ house and they yell at you to stay away so you don’t kill them. It’s hard to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah when you can’t hug your family. It’s hard to have a wedding when people are trying to figure out how to lift you up on a chair from six feet away.
But we Jews don’t give up so easily. We’ve invented many innovative ways to celebrate virtually such as ZoomMitzvah, ZoomWedding or a ZoomMoyel for the Bris. I am here to help you get the most out of your Zoomcha. Here is how to be a guest at a Zoomcha.

BEING A GUEST AT THE ZOOMCHA
I learned this over the past year.

Proper Attire
You should be wearing a jacket, tie and shorts. Zoomchas are celebrated from the waist up. You wasted money on those new fancy colorful socks. You’re fifty years old! Even your teenage son looks foolish with the tight high pants and the zigzag brown, red, yellow, purple, fluorescent green socks.
You can wear a mask if you want to let people know that you care about society more than them.

Tip Your Webcam When You Stand
Be ready for directions you shouldn’t be heeding. The rabbi asked people to stand for the Bar Mitzvah boy to open the ark and nobody angled their screen up. We saw too many plaid shorts. Pajamas too.
Don’t fall for any service cues online. You're at home. You can do what you want. This isn’t Simon Says. You don’t have to follow direction. You never followed directions in shul before, so there is no reason to start now.

Eat the Food in Your House
Another essential component to all Simchas is eating. The kids are there, family is around. It’s time to pull out the pasta you made last week. No Zoomcha is complete without spaghetti and cottage cheese leftovers. While you’re at home, open up the pantry for all to see the deal you found on matzah farfalle. 

Dance with a Hand Raise
The Jewish hand raise dance is a crucial centerpiece of all Jewish celebration. You may not be able to touch the other people, but you have your tablet. Lift your device. A laptop works perfectly. They’re making those so light nowadays; you can toss that thing in the air. I don’t suggest to use a desktop. The Mayim BSason dance hand raise is quite hard to complete with the monitor, hard drive tower and electric strip.
Don’t stand or move your feet. Even if you washed the cargo shorts, nobody wants to see your legs again. 

Show Your Blank Screen
Do not leave the meeting. There is no reason to be rude and let the Bar Mitzvah boy know you don’t care about him. This isn’t shul. You don’t have to abandon him in the middle of his reading. Hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy read can be very painful. Here, you don't have to listen. ​Just leave your screen on. I know this means you've left, but they don't know this. You can head to the den, watch TV; they’ll never know you're in another room, having a good time.

Be Sure to Mute Yourself
You’re the ones we hear fighting! The mic picks it up from the kitchen. And yes we agree, your child should throw out the garbage every once in a while. But why do you need to remind him when Chaim is putting the ring on Malkie? I don’t know. I also don’t know why he had to take out the garbage when it was clear that it wasn’t full.

Clean Your House
We all see it. It's disgusting. You should take out the garbage. At least clean the room. We see it.
And don't pick a room that needs a paint job. I have had to leave many a Zoomcha to make private calls to friends who need renovations and some decent feng shui.

Let’s keep Online Zoomchas after social distancing is over. It's the only way we can be there and get our errands done at the same time.
I'm also a fan of Zoomchim. I don't want to visit family for holidays either. The Chagim at the house, are fine. I can make my own brisket. I don't want to have to hear Uncle Bernie chewing. 
I'm going to ride this Zoomcha wave as long as I can. I don't want to have to buy gifts or show up to parties. To note: If I don't get food, they don't get a gift. That's my policy.

The next step in Simchas is here. Thanks to loosening restrictions, we have moved from Zoomchas, to Outdoorschas. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. What else doesn't roll off the tongue? Having a decent time with other people during COVID.
My brother and sister-in-law ran a beautiful outdoor Bat Mitzvah. It got me thinking how great it is to use a backyard. The backyard has been overlooked for many generations as the perfect place for a Simcha. Other than cutting the grass, most people never use their backyard. They might store a grill there. But they don’t use it. They have an oven in their house. 
Let me help you navigate your Outdoor Simchas during these times where you’re forced to not be allowed to spend $30,000 on a hall.

Save on the Beautician
The humidity is going to frizz up the hair and the makeup is going to run, so don’t bother. I also suggest that you not bother showering. It’s not that bad, as you will be six feet apart. Regarding the makeup, it’s not that bad as you should be standing far away from most people. As for the photographer, get him to focus on taking pictures of your beautiful backyard.

Enjoy the Air Outdoors
My niece’s Bat Mitzvah was the first Simcha where there wasn’t a family fight about the thermostat. This time, family fights were relegated to yelling about frizzy hair.

Phase Three Means You Can Come Close, But Not Interact
Nobody kissed or hugged. They just stared at each other awkwardly. Get used to that weird look. It means “Mazel Tov.”

Build a Huge Tent on Your Lawn
This way you’re complying with the rules and it is outdoors, but it is really indoors.
I went to one Simcha where they put all of their money into the food and there was nothing left for the tent rental. Big mistake. Most of the food got wet and the rest of it was brought inside. But nobody could come inside so they just stared at the food longingly through the window as the Bar Mitzvah boy tried to give his speech.

Rained Out
One Simcha I went to without tents had a rain delay. They told everybody that they were going to continue in an hour. I have never seen a Bat Mitzvah speech rain delayed. I thought it was a baseball game. One guy even said, “We’re calling it off for now. Come back later. She’s going to give two speeches.” He thought that coming back to the party enforced the double header rule. At least the Bat Mitzvah girl had a good attitude – she told me that she felt like she was at Yankee Stadium.

The Shmorg
The smorgasbord is about trying to look classy, eating while standing, with a slab of mustard on your tie, while engulfing pigs in a blankets and licking your fingers for the comprehensive taste. Now, you can look classier inhaling all the tiny hot dogs, standing outside, sweating drooling six feet away from your friends, and yelling over no music.

Social Distancing at Hors d'oeuvres Table
That is impossible. Everybody likes the pigs in the blanket too much. There is no six feet rule for hands attacking decent food.

Food Must Be Individually Packed
For safety, the food must be covered. Otherwise, all of the spittle from those taking the food while yelling at their friends across the yard, will land into the food you’re eating.
This whole social distancing makes me question why I ever went to a food court. It’s disgusting. All the sudden, now that we know of one virus, people sneezing around my dinner is finally considered wrong??!!

Finally the Grill is being Used
This worked real well for eight of the guests. The other two hundred did not get a burger.
Eight people were crowded around that thing the whole time. The grill only did six burgers at a time. Yet, they did not move.

Pictures at a Distance
Friendship pictures were taken of the girls standing six-feet apart. To note, social distance does not always look very friendly. I think when the Bat Mitzvah girl looks back at her pictures many years from now she’s going to wonder why her friends don’t really like her.

Speech Won’t be Heard
It’s outside. That’s fine. Nobody really wants to listen to a twelve or thirteen year old thank her parents while trying to connect it to the weekly Torah portion.

The Pictures Played on Screen
The most important tradition of the Jewish simcha is taking a photo album and then playing it on a projector to music from the eighties. It’s the middle of the day and it’s light outside? Don’t worry no one wanted to see those pictures anyway.

Hora Dance Around the House
Making a circle around the house can be a great way to celebrate. The bringing of the hands to the middle of the circle move might be hindered by the brick, but it can still be meaningful. Somebody lifted my niece on a chair but nobody could see it, as she was in the middle of the circle, inside the home.

Family Comes from Far
This is so thoughtful. Especially when you have family from Florida who have to quarantine for 14 days. Finally, when your kids go back to school Cousin Irene can pop her head out of the basement and say, “We just came to wish you a ‘Mazel Tov’.”

Organizing Tables is Easier
You don’t have to figure out who will sit next to who. You just sit families together and everybody is mad.

You Can Save on Floral Arrangements
Your backyard is an actual floral arrangement!
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I was at one outdoor Simcha where they brought in lilies to match the flower patch in their backyard. They insisted that external floral arrangements are a necessary part of all Simchas. They even said their florist insisted in its importance. In the end, it was rained out.
My favorite part of the outdoor Simcha is that you can’t give gifts because of Coronavirus. At least, that’s the excuse I use. Some people gave gifts, but they clearly didn’t care about the health of the poor Bat Mitzvah girl. There is no way to sanitize cash enough for it to be correctly socially distanced.
As far as I am concerned, during Coronavirus, the saying couldn’t be more true, “Your presence is your present.”