Make your Chanukah more meaningful with song. Inherently educational, here are some of the newer Chanukah songs for you, and some explanation to bring that extra meaning and joy to your holiday, when the gifts don't pan out and you end up getting knitted socks.
We will stay away from the Hallel and Al HaNisim, as those are the songs we were initially expected to sing when the rabbis implemented the holiday. Which means most Jews don't know them anyways.

Chanukah Oh Chanukah
"Chanukah Oh Chanuka come Light the Menorah." Love the song, because it tells you what to do. Some Jews forget to light the Chanukiah (Chanukah Menorah). They start singing the song, and they're thinking, "I have to light the Menorah.  We should play Dreidel and eat Latkes." And then they start dancing the Horah around the table.
It might be awkward to dance around the table, but if you're going to dance around the table as a Jew, it should be the Horah. It's more meaningful than doing the Bachata around Sufganiot. Bachating doesn't bring the Jewish meaning to the holiday.

Educational Songs
"I Had a Little Dreidel I Made it Out of Clay." Amazing and educational. Before this song people were making Dreidels out of hay. Hay doesn't spin.
Many have asked why they weren't making the Dreidels out of cloth. That's because cloth doesn't rhyme with play.
"Svivon" is a great song. Svivon is a Dreidel in Hebrew. It goes around, so you turn around. The dance mimicking the Dreidel movement to exemplify the song, Amazing. If you see children spinning around on Chanukah, it's only because they're connecting with the Chag.
"Chanukah Chag Yafe Kol Kach." Chanukah is a beautiful holiday. Sometimes I forget Chanukah is a beautiful holiday. I take the snow for granted and call it joyous.
I'm a big fan of the Hebrew songs. I feel more connected to the Maccabees when I sing in Hebrew. I know they weren't singing "I Had a Little Dreidel" in 163BCE. They were definitely singing "Svivon Sov Sov Sov. Chanukah Hoo Chag Tov." The Dreidel goes around. It's a great holiday. Just a factual song. No need for explanation.
If Hebrew is hard, I suggest you NayNay these Hebrew songs and call it a day. There's no reason to learn a whole language for a couple of songs. Chassidim for centuries have refused to learn Hebrew, opting for the lyrics of NayNayNay.

Xmas Songs
If it wasn't for Christmas, how would Jews enjoy Chanukah.
There is always the Xmas songs. The radio plays them for Chanukah. Written by Jews, the Xmas truly bring out the holiday feeling, capturing the feeling of snow. Not something they captured when writing the "Hallel" and "Svivon Sov Sov.”

Don't Learn Laws From Songs
Be wary when singing songs. If you want to truly practice Chanukah correctly, you should learn the Code of Jewish Law, and read a cookbook. If you want to bake a Dreidel correctly, I don't know if "I Had a Little Dreidel I Made it Out of Clay" is enough direction.
I'm a big fan of the English songs, as I also went to Jewish Day School. However, songs like "Chanukah Oh Chanuka come Light the Menorah" can be misleading. Great song, but the end of it isn't good education. Poor Chinuch. The line, "We light one for each night," is very misleading. You light six on the sixth night. Seven, including the Shamis (the middle light, there for use- we can discuss this next time, my pupil). We have many generations of illiterate Jews due to songs like this. You light one for each night if it is a Yahrzheit (the commemoration of somebody's death), and Yahrzheits candles should only be used as shot glasses, according to tradition.
You light the amount for each night plus the Shamis. The song should go, "We light one on the first night, with the Shamis we lit… 4 on the fourth night, plus the Shamis we lit… 8 on the eighth night… And that is because we light like Jews. Oh Chanukah… Come light the proper way like Jews should, the menorah. We will dance other dances that or more Jewish than the Horah..." And then the song should end "Yiddel Dydel Dumb" because that makes it a Jewish song. Maybe add in some Oy Oys and NayNays. Jews don't add Ho Hos. And neither do Christmas songs that are written by Jews.

There are many more classic Chanukah songs that weren’t written by Adam Sandler. Nonetheless, they are also meaningful. The only issue is they're not on the radio.
For true Chanukah meaning, check out songs in other languages as well. There are always beautiful Yiddish songs about lighting candles and pogroms.
Next year, we’ll focus on more Chanukah songs of the religious nature, like “Haneirot Hallalu,” “Maoz Tzur” and “I’m A Latke and I’m Waiting for Chanukah to Come.” Which truly captures the holiday spirit. We are all Latkes.

How did they do it? How did the Conversos fool the Spaniards?
Conversos are also called Crypto-Jews, but I wouldn’t suggest investing in them. Crypto means hidden or "a friend told me I could make a lot of money if I listen to him." We will not use Marranos, as that is now offensive, as is anytime I call somebody by something I used to know them. Phil is offended when I call him Phil. I used to call him Phil, now that offends him. So, I call him Crypto-Mark. To answer your question, the Spanish people were not very smart, so hiding their Judaism wasn’t very hard. Here is how they fooled them. Here is what they told the Inquisitors.

Mezuzahs
It just got stuck there on the doorpost. It's a windchime that got stuck.
How they got all over the house, is an excellent question. We built one room at a time, so each room you see was at one point the room leading out of the house. A lot of windchimes.
The new windchimes from Bernaldo's Home and Repair?! Well. The house developed goiters. Some came out in interesting shapes, so we carved a Magen David into them. Jewish stars just look nice. We like the pattern.

Tefillin
Messed up belts. The buckles got too big. Turned into huge boxes. I thought one would look cool on the head. Right?! I know it looks kind of cool. Style-arte if you will. It's a fashion thing I'm trying.

Yarmulke
No. It's not a Kippah. It's a hat without a visor. Sometimes, you don't need that stuff popping out around the head, keeping out the sun. You just need the top. My family balds real fast. It stops the sunburn up there.
And how do you know what a Kippah is?! (that will stop the Inquisitors from asking more questions)

Shofar
This is part of the horns section. We thought a trumpet, then we said we like this sound. Can only do this note, but that's the note we want.
We like these three specific sounds with it. The one blast. The three short blasts. The seven quick blasts. That's the kind of music we like. 
Yeah. We were playing it for a day or two in Septembe. Then we get board of it.

Chanukiah
It's not a Menorah. It's a lamp. A candelabra with eight stems, and then one in the middle. The middle one is a little higher for decoratory purposes.
Check out the oil we use. Yeah. We like to keep around eight days' worth. 

Jewish Art
It's just the look. It's the look we like. It's that ancient Temple look with people in sackcloth. Love the dichotomy.
No. That's Arabic letters written on top of the ark.

Tzedakah
We like putting our charity in a tiny box, with a slit. We make sure to never give more than a nickel at a time. It's our family tradition to be cheap. 
It's a piggy bank. Yeah. That's what it is. A piggy bank. A charity pig. We save money for others. 

Torah Scroll
No. That's just more enjoyable. Ever try reading off a scroll? It makes you feel like royalty.
A scroll with Arabic that was dedicated by the Schwartz family. Yeah. That's why the cloth covers it. They dedicated it to our house in honor of their grandparents.
Why are we yelling at the guy reading it?! We're all his teachers. One student and a lot of teachers teaching this guy how to read Arabic off a scroll correctly. More teachers is more affective.
​
They were so good at fooling Inquisitors that many decedents of Crypto-Jews don't even know they have Jewish ancestry. They have a nice book with five books in it that Papa used to like to read every Saturday morning. Then they have that family tradition of having a huge last supper every year, with big crackers and four cups of wine. A family tradition to get the little ones drunk and asking questions about the famous family saltwater recipe. Then they have the fancy food cubbies for three flat round tortillas that their grandparents liked to use around springtime. 
And that is how Bitcoin started.

They're still accusing Israel of aggression. So, I figured I would put together some of the arguments against the lies again. It's a tradition to re-argue against the lies every half a year. We have to do this almost as often as we vote in Israel.
If accusing Israel of stuff they didn't do bothers you, I’m guessing antisemitism bothers you. Good luck. In the meantime, here are some myths I noticed surfacing this year. I’ll give you some ways of debunking them so you can be friends with people that hate you again.
I apologize if you're offended by my calling terrorists.

Genocide
Fools are calling Jewish defense of Israel genocide.
You're truly not trying to kill a people when you're knocking on their doors, warning them you're planning a surprise attack.
Israel is always trying to give warning to civilians to get out. Israeli soldiers are knocking on doors, "Excuse me. Just wanted to say 'Shalom.' We hear there is a terrorist in your house. We didn't want to disturb anybody. Pleases let them know we're attacking tomorrow at 12:13pm, to be exact. It's a surprise attack. Might be a couple minutes late. We don't want to shock anybody." And most of the time, out of politeness, the soldiers ring the bell.
They're dropping flyers with information on where to go. Inviting the terrorists to rock concerts. It's the most friendly attack. We send leaflets letting them know there's a terrorist living in their home. We announced on the radio that people were drilling under their homes, just in case they didn't contract for renovations. We didn't want the Gazans to have to pay for work on their home they didn't want. Israel even calls their cellphones, just in case their kids never call. First rule in honoring your parents is you call.
We have commanders on loud speakers. "Everybody get out of the area. We're going to be bombing here. If you're a member of Hamas, now is the time. The IDF will be here tomorrow... Sorry. We didn't mean to wake anybody up. We’re sorry if we’re disrupting any production of explosives. Keep safe. Toodeloo."
And the people of Gaza have multiplied eightfold since 1948. Now numbering over two million people who are trying to kill us.

Torture
They're saying Israeli soldiers are torturing the prisoners.
Singing "Am Yisrael Chai" is not torture, even if they're doing that Hora hand dance with it. Singing a song about the Jewish people and our ancestors living is not an evil act, even if the UN calls it a war crime. That's unless if the people from my shul are singing. My community singing anything is wrong. Very off tune.
I must admit, the hand dance does come off as gloating.

There Was a Palestinian State
No. There wasn't. Never.

Rape is Fine if It's Against Jews
No. It's not. At least I don't think so. I might be wrong here. I don't associate with the feminist movement.

FIDF is Anti-Israeli Soldiers
FIDF stands for Friends of the Israel Defense Forces. I also thought it was against the IDF when I heard it the first time. It's not 'F the.'

Jews Try to Be Funny
Jews take a chance at being funny.
Fact: Sometimes they're not.

Israelis are Aggressors
They claim Jews are aggressors.
Have you ever seen Israeli Folk Dancing? You can't be an aggressor while dancing like that. You can't do a "Mayim BSason" twirl and scare people.
We've been accused of being aggressors ever since we got attacked in the late 1800s for making Israel livable. Sorry. Palestine. I didn't mean to offend anybody's hatred of Jews.
It seems like some of the Arabs and BBC don't understand the definitions the way I do. Correctly. The way the dictionary defines the words. The meaning of the words that they are using. With punctuation used. The intended application. The English language.
They're calling Jews aggressors for dancing. Saying Jews have committed genocide by trying to save lives of people who are housing terrorists. Maybe they just understand English differently. English is not their first language. Nor is it the New York Times'.

Apartheid
This must mean "allowing foreign people to come into your land and work, even if they want to kill you." I believe that's the Oxford definition.

ELAL is Giving Deals
No. ELAL is charging as much as possible. Fact. They are loving the war.

The Death Toll in Gaza is...
I believe the death toll is up to 12 million Gazans now.
I'm not making fun of death. Innocent people dying is a tragedy. I'm trying to understand arithmetic and how more people have been killed than there are.
They're throwing numbers out there and the BBC and CNN are going with it. You can't just say people are dying if they don't exist. Again, I'm feeling stupid. Metaphysically, someone who was never born is dead. That must be it. Over ten million Gazans were never born because of Israel. I'm just not as spiritually in touch as news anchor.
We need death rules: a) You have to be dead to be considered dead. b) You can't die more than once. You die. That's it. You're dead. I saw one kid die fourteen times. It's a tragedy. Fourteen of them. And I feel bad for the kid. c) You can't not be dead and be dead. I saw a video where the guy was laying there, dead. He then, flipped the sheet off, reached up and got a Coke from his friend. The hardship that guy went through. Do you know what it's like to be dead with a parched throat. To think he had an itch under the sheet as well. A dead person shouldn't know of such things. Another dead guy jumped off the stretcher at his own funeral and started running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I believe that was number 13 million and 2. Another million have died since publishing this article. Hamas reported it.

People Like Carlebach Minyins
Myth: Some people like to sing for five hours in shul. Fact: It turns out Jews want to get out of shul.
Speaking of crimes against our people. If Israelis were making the Gazans sit through a Carlebach service, I would side with the UN.

Occupiers
They say Jews are occupiers. They say that us being in Israel is "the occupation."
My father A"H told me that his mother always said that "a Jewish boy should have a good occupation."
Anything sounds bad when you add "the" in there. "The vote." When was that? It ruined so many lives. If they just called it "Nakba" they'd be celebrating. They'd be thanking Jordan, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon. Even the Egyptians. It's the fact that they always say "The Nakba."

Israel Has Elections All the Time
That's true.

The People of Gaza are Innocent
They say the people who voted for Hamas have nothing to do with Hamas.
Is this why they were cheering when they heard Jews were killed. Is this why they were having parties when they saw an Israeli woman raped. Sorry. I don't have a joke for this one yet.
Arab villages in the settlements had fireworks going off on October 7th. It seemed like thousands of people got married specifically that night. Maybe they thought it was a football match.

I hope this helps.
There is more. They say Israel is committing war crimes, singing songs like "Am Yisrael Chai" which the Geneva Convention banned. And they say that the people of Israel are divided. Nobody is taking this war that seriously. It's not the Supreme Court we're talking about.
It's hard to fight the propaganda when you're being attacked by a people whose number one weapon is their three year old child. Hamas is using them as shields, shooting them out of cannons, killing them fourteen times.
They one thing they accurately claimed is attempted genocide, already on October 8th. Hamas tried. Many have tried. But we stand strong, from the river to the sea.
"Am Yisrael Chai." There I go. Committing genocidal war crimes.

Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18)  'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
I can tell you that being around the kids and the wife does not bring happiness. You need guests to offset having to deal with them.
 
Each Shofar blast must be fully heard. Thus, the congregation must be completely silent. This isn’t going to happen.

Tradition is to whack the Aravot on the ground on Hoshana Rabbah (Sukkah 44b), and then to leave them there. Leaving your mess and other trash in shul at the end of Sukkot works as a positive omen that somebody else will have to clean it up.

(Rambam M’ Sanhedrin 10:1,1) Due to their lack of understanding, to get kids to learn you say, ‘Read and I’ll give you nuts and dates... honey.’ I liken Reese's peanut butter cups to dates. Same health benefits… The Rambam also mentions honey. I’m not a fan of that whole putting it on the Torah. My rabbi put it on the first letter of the Torah and had me lick it. I had a 'Bet' stuck to me tongue for half a year. He then put it on my Chumash, to make it sweet, I could never get those pages apart. He destroyed many Sefarim with the honey.

(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws.
 
A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah.
 
Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage...
Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs.

Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta.
After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement.

I can't do it. Trusting me with your kids is not responsible. No idea how parents do it. I respect all of you Frum parents out there raising all those kids, even past nursery school.
I had to watch over the kids for a day and I gave up on them by 3pm. Somehow they made it from three to when their parents got home at 8pm. I don't know how they did it. I was tired and I fell asleep.
Here is what I learned about kids.

I Need Sleep
I got sleep. A full night's sleep. I just needed more. It was ten minutes into watching the kids where I said, 'Whew. I'm tired. Watch over yourselves.'
Now I know why parents are always on edge. It's the extra fourteen hours of sleep needed daily to watch over kids.

Very Dirty - They're Very Dirty
Two hours into watching them, I already had to put up a load of laundry. The amount of dirt is something I have never seen before. Grownups have to be coming out of a coal mine to create that kind of dirt.
If I was to ever explain the job of a parent, as I understand it, it's to do at least four loads of laundry a day.

Dirt Everywhere
Got to follow the kids around with a Dustbuster. Dustbusting and Swiffing all day. I had the Swiffer in my hand two feet behind. Swiffing side to side right behind them. I couldn't keep up with the shmutz. They can be walking with nothing, and they still create dirt. Their like walking dust balls.
There's nothing that doesn't end up on the floor. They touch it, it's on the floor. Not one of my nephews looks down. They just drop and go. No thought. No care for their uncle having to bend.
I asked them if they knew where the garbage was. They have no idea what a trashcan is. I educated them about the idea of putting garbage in the garbage. That took a while to explain. I then showed them where it was. Now, they make it a point to stay away from it.

They Drop Stuff on Purpose
They do it on purpose. Dropping anything they can. Popcorn. Toys. Toothpaste. 'The uncle will clean it.' Gushers wrappers. 'Drop it.' Middle of lawn. 'Uncle D will find it when he's mowing.' Maybe it's a recycling thing that they're teaching these kids at nursery. That garbage makes landfills education. Maybe they think the living room floor is a compost. That's my problem with this new education.
The little five month old is in on this too. Throwing stuff. She gets a kick out of seeing me work. Peanut butter puffs, 'I'll just drop that there... Look at him pick it up. The loser... Let's do that again. Cry. Get a puff and drop it... The fool is picking it up again.'
Do you know how demeaning it is when a five month old is mocking you.

Nothing Is Worse Than Lego
One day and I already injured my foot. Lego!!! They drop those too.
Tonka trucks can cause you to stub a toe, but nothing hurts more than stepping on Lego. I would go on, but that rhymes. I use lowercase in LEGO, because I buy that stuff at the Dollar Tree. I don't think the buck twenty five pack is original LEGO.
Parents should boycott LEGO. If it was made in Israel I might be able to get some traction on this.

Now I know why parents are always tired and injured.
I respect and appreciate all you parents who can pull this for a whole childhood. I would've given up on the kids at five in the afternoon. And even greater respect for those parents who have their kids at home for the summer. Summer is tough when the kids are at home. You should be blessed to make enough money to send your kids to camp, so you don’t have to see them. Hopefully, H' will answer your  prayers and you won't have to see your kids.
I hope this empathy from an uncle who spent six hours with kids gives you Chizuk. I'm going to head back to sleep. It's 8:15 and the parents are putting the kids to bed. Thank Gd I don't have to do that. I definitely don't have the energy to say Shema with these little guys.

Some people have a tradition of showing up to shul late on the 33rd day of the Omer. Because it‘s Lag BOmer. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? To lag. Lag BOmer. Lagging. Showing up late. Taking your time. ‘Lag‘ in Lag BOmer is not pronounced that way, yet it still works - the value of the written word of pun.
 
The rabbi told them to only do a few Mitzvahs. The rav explained, 'The Torah said "decrees."' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Decrees. Decrease. He misunderstood. They‘re different words and pronounced differently. But it's still a pun and brilliant. As we again share with you the value of the written word. Education.
 
The government closed my bank account and told me 'relax.' They said 'Eekool.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Be cool. Eekool. In Hebrew it sounds the same. If an Israeli was saying it, it would be exactly the same. I heard this pun from an Israeli ventriloquist. An Eekool is when a government agency shuts your bank account in Israel. They think it‘s cool.
 
What do you tell someone who almost did a Mitzvah? Close but no Schar. (Mordechai)
You get it? Close but no cigar is the usual saying. Schar means reward. Cigar and Schar sound almost similar. Thus, education. Not just almost a pun. And we take pride in this.
 
How do you know the food H' gave the Jews in the desert didn’t stay warm on Shabbis? Cause that would be Hot-manna. (Mordechai)
You get it? Manna is the food in the desert. Not hot-manna. Just manna. And there is more to this pun. Hotmanna is covering a pot to keep food warm on Shabbat. You can't do that on Shabbat. You can only do it before Shabbis. Manna, Hotmanna. Sounds the same. Manna in Hotmanna is part of the word, not food. Another pun of education. A pun that teaches the youth.

A member of the shul locked themselves in the rabbi's office and asked a lot of questions that bothered the rabbi. They were committeed. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Committed, as in a crime. Or committed to an asylum. The crime here is being part of a committee. Committeed.
 
Objectors of Aaron and Moshe wrapped Charoset and Maror with Matzah to put on a frying pan, blaming it on Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korech on Pesach is the wrapping of Matzah with Charoset... Korach was the leader against Moshe and Aaron. Korach sounds like Korech. Almost. It's close. Another chance to teach the children.

Staying up all night on Shavuot is the greatest quandary of the Jewish people, other than how to not starve when not eating for eight hours of a fast day. Much discussion has been had about fast days, and many have concluded that eating a pie and a half of pizza will help with the severe hunger resulting from skipping a meal. Even so, we still struggle to figure out how to stay up all night on Shavuot.
To stay up all night, people have tried the sleep for three days before Shavuot method. However, they found that they liked sleeping and went to sleep Shavuot night as well. In the past we've suggested dairy, to stay up by way of cheese and stomach issues. Preferably heartburn. We've also suggested the caffeine method, along with Ritalin and speed for those too young to drink Coca-Cola. Health comes first. We do not suggest stunting the growth of a child. And then we've suggested activities such as wrestling and learning, and we learned that learning is the worst way to stay up. Today, we shall now focus on a few Socializing Methods of staying up Shavuot night for those who find it more meaningful to not learn Torah.

Talk to People
Best to do this in the Shiur. If I wasn’t talking and snoring during that class, I would've fallen asleep. My snoring keeps me up by way of people hitting me.
We have to receive the Torah together on Shavuot. For that reason, talking to people is like learning. It is part of the communal acceptance of the Torah. Which is why people talk in shul. Tradition. When Moshe was giving over the commandments at Sinai you cannot tell me that people weren't talking in the back.
Anybody who shushes you, because they want to listen to the Shiur, doesn’t understand the spirit of the holiday. If they do shush you, in the spirit of the holiday, tell them to to shut up and go to Gehenim.
 
Meet A Potential Spouse
If you're single, this is your chance to get somebody to like you. When people are tired, judgment may be impaired. This is why Shavuot in big cities is used by single people to got to shul and not learn.
You may not want to employ conversation when using the Potential Spouse Method of awakeness. Dialogue with your potential spouse may kill any chance you have with her. You want to surprise them with your stupidity once you get married.
If you see the women going to Shiur, then you go to the class. Act interested and they may think you know something, and you might have a Shidduch. Don't ask any questions. Even impaired people recognize dumb.
The only time I learned on Shavuot night was the time I met a good Jewish woman. It was 3am and she was walking into the women’s Torah study session. I sat in the session, shaking my head a lot, and she thought I was very knowledgeable. I was sleeping and kept on waking up when my head fell. She thought I was agreeing with the rabbi. After Shavuot, she got some sleep, we got together, she started some sophisticated conversation about Torah and the importance of learning, and our relationship was over.

Go to the Kotel
In Jerusalem you can walk to the Kotel. You can talk to people there. You can even meet a spouse, if you're one of those creepy people who stares over the Mechitzah. I've done it. It works. You can also talk to people during Davening there. I've done that too. You can also wrestle at there, in the back plaza. If you're looking to get a Shulchan (table at the Kotel used to hold the Torah), wrestling will be necessary.
As we learned on Yom Yerushalayim, you definitely won't fall asleep at the Kotel. Jerusalem stone is not comfortable.
If you live outside of Jerusalem I don't suggest walking to the Kotel. That may turn Shavuot into a six day Chag. Staying up for more than two days straight can be taxing. Instead, go for a really long walk in your city. The further you are from your home, the less likely you are to fall asleep. Check out your city's crime rate map. The greater percentage of homicides a neighbor offers, the more likely you are to stay up.

Lessons
Shiurs only keep people awake if you're talking. Which is why many people become rabbis.
Definitely don't learn Torah when staying up Shavuot night to receive the Torah. Learning Torah will chase people away.
If you get caught in a Shiur, only learn Torah if it will attract a lady. For this you must judge the woman and the frumpiness of her clothes. Frumpy is the dress of good Frum girls.

At the heart of the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (the silent prayer that you do out loud) is the Kedusha. It's at this moment that the cantor, Chazin, Bal Tefilah, or guy leading the prayers that is louder than everybody else, has a chance to sing. So, they do it. Here are some key notes to help you pick the correct tunes when leading services, and to understand the tunes of holiness we use in our tradition.

Go Slow
As the leader, you want the congregants frustrated. For this, you sing. Just when they think Davening will end soon, sing more.
The tunes chosen should be slow and long. This keeps people in shul. It is part of the Jewish laws regarding suffering and how you are a better person if you suffer longer. During the Kedusha they can’t run. They have to stand in one spot in solemnity. You keep them longer there. If the song moves too fast, be sure to add NayNayNays. That can keep any song going for another hour or so. Slowdown and add NayNayNays.

Songs to Use During Your Kedusha
Many Chazins like to sing something catchy. This means 'VAtah Ba'anim Shiru' or the Black Eyed Peas' 'I Got a Feeling.' Personally, I'm a fan of the more sentimental Jewish songs, such as TLC's 'Unpretty.'
'A Million Dreams' is always a good one. I believe that song is Frum.
Throughout the ages, Chazanim have worked endlessly to develop tunes for our prayer services. Forget those melodies. That all ended in the 1980s when Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock learned about the Beach Boys a decade late. Since then, as the pop charts have changed, Tefillah has developed. Hence, now we praise Gd with Nigunim by MBD, Uncle Moishy and Kid Rock.

Fitting Words into A Song
This is a developed skill. You have chosen the song. Now you must finesse it.
No modern songs produced by Sony Music are written to Naritzcha. Shwekey has done well with these lyrics, why can't Sony put out an LP?!
Bruno Mars is an excellent song writer. However, he has yet to have composed an Anim Zemirot melody. Or maybe he did. I think I heard it. It's confusing. Point is, you take whatever song and reappropriate it as Jewish with words that don't fit. I am sure the Etz Chaim Hi tune topped the charts in the Balkans in the 1520s.
My woke friends have assured me reappropriating is OK if it's for spiritual reasons. For spiritual reasons, you also don't have to pay for the rights to the music. 

Naritzcha to Mimkomcha
Chazins want to make the Tefillah more meaningful. Many have asked how to choose specific songs for specific parts of the Kedusha. You don't. You wake up Shabbat morning and go with the song that is stuck in your head. One Chazin was doing the Kivodo part of the Kedusha to Barnie's 'Brushing My Teeth On Top.' I believe they were trying to get their child to brush that morning. That is how tradition develops.
Simon and Garfunkel has made it into the lexicon of Kedusha songs. Back in the '70s your average Jew woke up to the radio playing 'Scarborough Fair.' Hence, sung as tradition along with 'Sound of Silence' in many shuls.
There are traditional cantorial melodies for these. But nobody uses them, because they're good. You don't feel the requisite pain of suffering if it's good.

How to Fit the Words
It's a challenge to fit five words into one note. Yet, the skilled Bal Tefillah does it with ease, and no concern for the melody. A savvy Bal Tefillah has the ability to leave the congregation in shock, wondering what he just did, while continuing onto the NayNayNay portion Bruno Mars did not anticipate.
Here is the secret to all modern-day Jewish shul song composition. Syllabalize. As the Chazin, pick any song. Pick whatever song you want. It makes no difference. Then you fit the words into the tune. Any song works if you force enough words into a note. By the way, 'Kivodo Maleh Olam uMshortav Shoalim Zeh Lazeh' is one syllable.

Make Them Wait Longer
Musaf, the added prayer on Shabbat and holidays, is the perfect time to go off with more tunes. Focus on the Musaf's Kedusha. It is at this point that they have already been in shul for two and a half hours. The longer you can extend this part of the prayer, the more pain they will feel. NayNayNays must be added here. NayNayNays after three hours in shul adds to frustration and anger, and thus opens up the gates of heaven.
Now that they think the singing is done. Don't stop there. There is so much more you can do with vShamru tunes and Modims during your repetition of the Amidah. And don't forget the Sim Shalom. That is your Shabbat morning finale. Go out very long. Better yet, repeat the word 'Sim' as many times as you can. That will definitely get them folding their Tallises.
Want to add to the anger, get the choir backing it up with NayNayNays.

You know you have done your job, keeping with the traditional songs of the Kedusha written by Pink and Bruno Mars, if people are folding their Tallises in a rage of anger and rushing to Kiddish.
Next time we will focus on more Tefillah songs, such as those written by Men at Work.

It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv:

The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive.
The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain.
(Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy.
Let's see what else happened.

The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat.
I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller.

The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this.
I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes.

Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus.

Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times
The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us.
Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.'
It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!'
As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers.

Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim.
If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?!
At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea.
While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad.
There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. 
And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.
​
Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. 

As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened:

1) Moshe broke the Luchot.
He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 

2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons.
Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful.

3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy.
If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us.

4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 

5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple.
There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude.

There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart.
Truly. It's the Chutzpah.

The rabbi gave a sermon earlier this year about a deluge and I was confused. My whole life, I learned about the flood, the ‘mabool,’ and the rabbi was going off on some kind of water park ride sounding thing. 
People later told me that the deluge was the flood, and I asked why the rabbi didn't just say 'the flood.' Once again, I was feeling like a fool, because my English comprehension was not good enough to understand another rabbi. My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language. I was stuck.
Why do they translate the Hebrew into English that is harder to understand than the Hebrew itself! This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton, phylacteries, benedictions...
Here are some of my memories of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis. I bring them to you, because I don't want you to think you're the only one who was poorly educated.
 
A Childhood of Not Understanding
It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ No idea what quorum means. I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve for a group of ten men to give me a quorum? I didn’t want anything to do with it.
​I protested, and then he pulled out what he called ‘phylacteries.’  I was confused. 
Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I had an idea of what Tefillin were. It was at that point that I requested from my rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’ My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good.
 
Sermon I Still Don’t Understand from the Same Rabbi
The rabbi began with his ‘Exegesis from Leviticus from the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra, from the Torah.
After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying. I congratulated him in the simple Hebrew Jewish way. I didn’t want him to be confused. I was already confused enough from his speech.

Another Sermon I Still Don't Understand
It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to Gd, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. He lost me. Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have talked about that.
I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English.
I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that if I was a botanist, I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes.
 
I Was Lost in The Service
Until the added Musaf service of Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when they started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into my silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players.
Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark.
All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. I was confused the whole time.
 
My Message to American Rabbis that I Respect
If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use English words. Let’s move away from the language used in the 1930s and talk in an English the congregants can identify. A simple English. Not a pre-Shakespearian English that my English Lit professor can’t recognize.
I understand it is fun for you to create words like firmament, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew. Stop using words you created, like legumes, beadle, sexton firmament, countenance, quorum, tabernacle. Use words like beans and peas, shul helper, heaven, face, Minyin, Sukkis. Something that I can recognize. Vocabulary your congregants identify.
Maybe you are trying to add in a Hebrew flavor to your speech, using words congregants can’t grasp; thus, adding to the feeling of the Hebrew prayers that they are reading in transliteration. Maybe those are English words. Maybe you didn’t create them.
I am sorry. It was my English education. If I would’ve read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I grew up in Britain, maybe if I grew up in the 1500s, I would comprehend.
 
I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been the inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge.
Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton.

Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement,  but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that.
You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood.
 
Honey on First Letter of The Torah
When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days.
This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor.
You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah.
 
Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School
As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’
I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument.
I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child.
 
Kids go to Shul for Candy
Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets.
Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone.
Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem.
We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word.
I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem.

The Candyman
There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman.
​All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education.
The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys.
 
Jewish Rituals
Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy.

​As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.'
To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems.