It is a hot summer, and I am here to help. Summers get hot, which is why some say to skip it. Nonetheless, for the foreseeable future, there will be summers.
As an American Jew, I have tried to figure out ways to stay out of the sun. I even moved to Israel. That didn't help. Even so, I try.
For you, I spent time in The Mountains, The Catskills, to study the Jewish community’s techniques for staying out of the sun. The Frum American community of Ashkenazik descent has discovered countless instruments for sun defense, and fair skin preservation. And now, as a pale Jew, I bring you my findings.
 
The Baseball Hat Technique
Used by Jews to ward off anti-Semites, this sun protection device doubles as a Kippah decoy. You’re already wearing a head covering, might as well be a baseball hat. Truth be told, a baseball hat is a yarmulke with a visor.
According to many, Hank Greenberg is the greatest Jewish hitter of all time. But who’s to say Hank Aaron is not Jewish? And Dave Parker? Real name, David Parker. Probably put on the baseball hat to hide from anti-Semites. Is Joseph DiMaggio Jewish? I can't tell you. But I wouldn't be surprised if his real last name is Dimagkowitz. The answer to these questions and more can be seen in my new book, Those Who Hid Their Religion Under a Baseball Hat.
Joseph Ortiz, need I say more.
 
Huge Umbrella Placement
Go to the beach and find shade. It's almost impossible. Hence you bring an umbrella. With a huge umbrella you can go to the beach and not have to experience the beach. It’s the best of both worlds.
During the summer we use gigantic umbrellas. Tradition is to use small umbrellas in the fall. There is less sun in the fall. We can deal with rain. In rain, you wear a bathing suit.
Be careful with your huge umbrella. They’re hard to carry. I tried carrying one myself, and the wind took me. Walking groups have developed in many communities for this reason.
You’ll see women walking together. This is just in case sun comes out and they need to transport an umbrella safely.
 
Wet Towel Meothod
I don’t know what wetting the towel does for sun protection. However, it definitely keeps you colder for much longer when you come out of the pool. Pneumonia will also keep you out of the sun.
 
Wide Brimmed Fedora
Style is about a bigger brim. I don’t understand people who go to the beach with thin brims. If you’re going to block out the sun, wear a Borsalino with some body on it.
 
A Hat with a Flimsy Brim and Anything You Can Find Technique
You take any hat, then you add a cross between a net and a towel, and some kind of material on the back of it, so your neck doesn’t get burned and you can’t see. You don’t want your eyes getting hit by the sun either.
People add whatever they can once they are wearing a fully brimmed floppy hat. Once they wear the floppy brim, they accept that sun safety is of upmost importance. A sunburn will not happen, nor will meeting a potential spouse.
Once you’re free from the burdens of style, you can add anything you want. I’ve seen pillows, blankets, placemats. Whatever people can carry on their head to protect them from the sun is acceptable. I've seen many with kitchenware.

Winter Clothes Method
Layers. They always say you want to wear layers. Hence, Frum Jews wear layers during the summer. We are very good at taking instruction.
Winter clothes during the summer works as a natural sunscreen. You also look better in winter clothes. People always look so heavy during the summer in short sleeves and bathing suits. Layers will help you look like the one Frum guy who's in shape at the pool.
In addition, with a sweater you take off more weight in the sun. This helps with the summer svelte figure you’ve been working on. Now you can show up to shul at the bungalow, looking slender in the Bekishe, Shtreimel and scarf. Even more, you save money, focusing on one wardrobe.
If you're not sweating, the sun will get you.

Squint System
Devout people squint. Good Jews don’t wear sunglasses. They squint.

Go Out at Night
Do everything during the evening and squint. The street lights can have a sunlike affect.
Stay up all night and pray at sunrise. Usually, it’s the devout that pray Shacharit at this time. During the summer, it’s those trying to stay out of the heat.

Don't Picnic Technique
Also known as The Eat Inside Method, and The I Would Rather Not Have Flies on My Pastrami System, you won't get sunburned in your den.
I didn’t witness one picnic amongst Jews. Picnicking is the easiest way to burn yourself while eating, sitting outdoors. You might as well eat straight off a grill. How people are eating with a huge umbrella in hand is another thing I am trying to figure out.
As there is no way to enjoy your food while holding up a huge umbrella, there is no way to not get burnt while eating on the ground. When Frum Jews eat on vacation, we wait till we find the pizza shop. There is no sun there. And if they're a classy pizza place, they put out the Italian picnic decorative cloth. Italians seem to like the feeling of picnicking

Mid-Article Education Moment
The Don’t Picnic Technique developed because Jews like eating off tables, and not on bed sheets. We have to save the bed sheets for under flimsy hat placement.
Good Jews like chairs detached from tables. If we have a table, we don’t want it being attached to a bench. We want to be able to sit. The foot hole to get your body into the picnic bench is unattainable for the religious Jew. It takes too much stretching and agility. That's not something we work on. At the Tish, the only movement is the forward backward sway, while holding onto another's arms, just in case you fall. I myself never took acrobatics at Yeshivat Chofetz Chaim all boys high school.
 
Do Not Exercise
Why walk when you can get a sunburn, which is very not healthy.
The No Movement Technique for avoiding the sun is the healthiest. And you’re already getting a good shvitz from the winter clothes.

I hope you learned as much as I did from studying my Jewish brethren and sisteren in The Catskills. Now, I shall make it through the summer. Hopefully, this will help you make it through the Israel winter. You might need more sun protection for that.
If there is one important takeaway of value, it's how Jewish women formed walking groups to ensure there was help with carrying the huge umbrellas.
 
I will try to help with more techniques next year. 

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about AI being anti-Semitic, praying to Gd and thanking Him too much for Chanukah and being alive, and educating us about proper modest gymwear that clashes, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing how Sufganiot don’t have enough jelly, while he still put on weight and ate them.

Summer is here and many people have asked me how to get in shape. People want to look good, in the Catskills and I get it. It's summertime and that means it's time to get that Bungalow Body where you look good at the pool in a Tshirt. 
I myself have been working on the Shul Body for many years. After hitting the gym, I've finally got my Shul Body down, and I am looking good in the suit. I wear double-breasted. Let me take you through some of the shul lifts and plyometric routines so you too can stay in shape during Musaf too.

Hagba Torah Lifts
Powerlifting at its core. This is a squat with an extra shoulder press, involving the biceps as well. What you do is take the two Torah poles and lift the Torah. Open more scroll columns for more strain on Jewish muscle. This is also a good way to showoff your strength to all the devout people in shul. It may even get you a Shidduch.
To add difficulty to the movement, allow the Gabbai (sexton) to choose a child for Galilah who has no idea how to role the Torah scroll back and cover it. You allow them to choose a child whose arms can’t reach the top of the Torah staves, with no motor skills. This forces you to sit there, balancing the Torah with your forearms for an extra few minutes, adding an unnecessary strain and frustration. Great full body workout, with one goal of the Torah not falling.
 
Kiddish Wrestling
This usually happens at what is known as a Hot Kiddish. The post service snack allows for some excellent physical altercation with Fran, by the choolent. Fran might be small at ninety-six, but her low center of gravity at 4'8" makes it hard to move her from the table. The aerobic and strength workout from wrestling Fran for a decent piece of kishka, potato kugel and sponge cake is amazing. The grappling engages the core, along with the whole body. 
You may walk away from this workout with some battle scars. There is no shame in going up against Fran.
 
Candy Attacking
At Bar Mitzvahs when the candies get thrown at the kid, this is a physical competition. Like any sport, you want to have proper equipment and gear. As you are going to have to dive on the floor and tackle some children to get the Sunkist Fruit Gems, you will want some knee pads on your suit pants.
Throwing the candy as hard as you can at the Bar Mitzvah boy is also good work for your agility.

The Carlebach
This is a full-on group dancersize workout. The prayer songs get going and you do a side to side jump, then you mix it up with a circle dance around the shul to the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay.' All dancing should be in hop formation.
The singing actually gets your aerobic system working double time.

The Baby Cry and Carry
This is a great core workout. You lift your baby and run out of the shul. This is also works as a great excuse when you want to get out of the rabbi's sermon.
To make this work, you want to make sure your child is crying. If they’re three and up, running around the shul or talking can also be an impetus for a set. The older they are, the more beneficial the movement. I’ve seen some serious shul rats lifting their college kids and running out with them. The amount of cardiovascular and strength work a long sermon can cause is greatly beneficial to those congregants looking to for that Shul Body.

There are many other shul workouts known as Helping. But I don't want to chase anybody away from enjoying their exercise. Seeing how much dues are will also work up a sweat.
Next time we will education you on other ways to exercise in shul around the holidays with Lulav sparring and Yom Kippur floor bending with your hand on a chair for support, also known as Jewish burpees.

​Scene 1
INT - JCC GYM - Day

The exercise machines are all taken up. Bernie, a seventy-five-year-old man who just started coming to the gym, is waiting to get on the abdominal crusher machine. Max, an eighty-eight-year-old man, is sitting there with his hands on the overhead pulling handles. Bernie is sweating. We assume you understand that they're older Jewish men, so they sweat.

Max: You're shvitzing like an animal. What have you been doing?

Bernie: I've been standing. 

Max: I understand. I'm sweating right now, and I'm sitting.

Bernie: What are you doing on that machine? You've been there for ten minutes.

Max: I'm sitting. It's very comfortable.

Bernie: So you're just sitting there? I thought you were supposed to work out. Move the arm things.

Max: They're working out.

Bernie: That's true. Those people are working out. You've got a good spot. Can see the whole gym from here. How are the kids?

Max: They're supposed to be visiting for my eighty-first this summer. You should know of such goodness. They're doing so good. I'm so proud of them. Schepping nachis over here. The grandkids, the kinder, are also doing very well. One just got into Princeton. Starting next week.

Bernie: That's great. My youngest is moving to New Jersey with his family. The second is now in Israel.

A line of the people, that they were watching working out five minutes ago, has formed near the machine . Justin has his towel and is jogging in place, to not cooldown. Max is well relaxed on the machine.

Max: You don't say? I remember when I was in Israel. It was 1967 just before the Six Day War. Very hot.

Bernie: You sweat like anything in the summers over there.

Max: That's a shvitz. You want a good workout? You go to Israel. Spend some time in Tel Aviv.

Justin: We've been waiting for this machine. Just wanted to know when you'll be finished with it.

Max: A few minutes. We'll be done with our conversation soon. You know. His kids are doing great. Much nachis.
Max turns to Bernie.
Bernie. You want to sit for a couple? You've been waiting for a while. 

Justin turns to the other people waiting. Rachel, a younger woman, is there too.

Rachel: I think he's just resting his arms on the handles. 

​Justin: He just fell asleep.

Scene 2
INT - JCC LOCKER ROOM - EVENING

Half hour after sitting on four more machines, to get in the full workout, Bernie and Max are sitting on the benches by the locker.

Bernie: You want we should go to the shvitz?

Max: I've already been to Tel Aviv.
Max is sitting and content (cont'd)
You know. This feels just like those machines in the gym.

Kibbitzer's Conclusion
We at the Kibbitzer have a feeling that Justin doesn't understand what people are supposed to do at the JCC gym.
And on their way out, Max and Bernie caught up with the rest of the community. After a good five hours at the gym, Max shvitzed for eight minutes. Bernie is still shvitzing from talking to people.