Let's finish the "English Alephs."

As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?"

Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame."

Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better.

Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden.

Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife."

Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service."

Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like."

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick

Laws 11-12: You will never get it.

This stuff of mysticism and understanding H’ and what happens after death should only be taught to one person. This is known as the Doings of the Chariot (Ma'aseh Merkavah in Yechezkel). Right there. I think that's all you need to know. What the Ma'aseh Merkavah is, is not relevant. The extent of your knowledge is knowing that there is something called the Ma'aseh Merkavah. We can now move on.

The person you teach this secret deep stuff to has to be a wise person. And you share very little with him at first. You start with little secrets like, "I'm going on a trip to Florida." Test them, before the real secrets, like how you're telling the boss that your sick. You don't want to share this stuff with tattletales.
We all know what problems happen when you start getting too mystical in public. People start believing and those people are weird.
I've never met a crazy person who didn’t like mysticism. It's a good thing that somebody has to have some knowledge first. It helps stop homelessness.
If it wasn't for this fence of only teaching it to one person who's wise, too many people would be "connecting with Gd." We would have a lot more people closing their eyes during Davening. The rabbis were trying to limit the number of people with eye closing Kavanah (intent) in shul. Davening would take way too long.

They're deep concepts and not everybody has the knowledge to comprehend them. Which means, not you. You have no idea what you're reading right now.
Shlomo Hamelech describes this knowledge as (Mishlei 27:26) "Lambs for your clothing." Lambs also means secrets. Such as secrets that are only for certain people. Not you. Just wanted you to know you're getting left out.
In Mishlei 5:17, Shlomo HaMelech teaches, "They shall be for you and not for others with you." Shlomo could've just said this one and left out the one from chapter twenty-seven,  but everybody understands this one. Hence, he had to use the metaphor of the lamb, so that you wouldn't understand that you can't understand it either.

Shir Hashirim teaches (4:11) "Like milk and honey under your tongue." I have no idea what that means either. Which is the way it should be.

Hopefully, next chapter will be something we can understand, and teach. I am sorry we taught you this. You shouldn't be learning what you were just taught.
We appreciate the Rambam starting Mishna Torah with two chapters of stuff we are too dumb to get.
Now I know it's not just my teachers that thought I was an idiot. If they thought I was smart, they would've taught me Ma'aseh Merkavah in third grade. Instead, they were trying real hard to get me to multiply with Popsicle sticks, and to read Rashi script correctly. They knew I was an idiot, and I would never understand what lambs clothing really means. I always thought it meant wool. Not a smart one.

Laws 9-10: H’ knows. Because He is Truth. No. You can't handle the Truth.

Law 9: Since Gd knows Himself, His greatness and His beauty. He knows all creation. He even knows what you're thinking. Which is, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow."
Nothing is hidden from Gd, which is why it's easy to blame Him. H' knows from the first formed stuff to the mosquito. And yet He still lets them bite you.

Law 10: H’ knows this truth as Himself.  As such, He knows all creation as Himself. He doesn’t view anything as outside of Him. H' sees it all through Oneness. Within. And you have the Chutzpah to have an ego. Everything revolves around you and you being the one that gets all the good meat out the Choolante pot. That's how I define a selfish egotistical person. Anybody who's scooping out all the good meat and Kishka from the Choolante. I couldn't come up with a better definition than that. I figured selfish Choolante scoopers would talk to everybody.
We see everything outside ourselves. I barely know myself. I'm still trying to figure out the placement of the different hairs on my arm and why they're there. The stuff coming out of the nose is not pleasant and I'm trying to distance myself from it. It's good to know it's outside of myself. I don't want to associate myself with this bald guy with nose hair.

If anything was outside of H', that would mean there's other gods. And that would make Davening a lot longer.
The lives are people are two. Confusing. Yes. It's confusing.
By man it says Chayei, "By the life of your soul." By H' it says Chai, "H’ lives" (Shmuel I 25:26). H' just is. One. It's not plural by H'. By us, it's two. It could be translated "lives of your soul." That's at least how I translate it.
You have no right to get all high on yourself, scooping out the Choolante, when there are others outside of you too. H' just is. It's not being high on Himself. If I could explain it, I would be arguing with the Rambam's point that we can't explain it. Which is why the Rambam spends all of this time explaining it.
He is knowledge. And we still spend all that money on college. That's the crazy thing here.

Since there is nothing outside of Gd, He knows everything because He knows Himself. And everything else is dependent on Him. We're not talking about you father-in-law paying for everything. We're not talking about you not getting a job, telling your father-in-law that Gd will provide. We're not talking about your father-in-law now thinking he's Gd. You like how I worked that?!
He is the Foundation. The First. Ever sing "Chad Gadya"? I love that song. Just wanted you to know. Great song. Great way to end a Seder.

Lesson: Mosquito bites are for oneness with H'.

Law 4-8: There are Malachim and then there is you, and you know nothing.

Law 4: Everything in Tanach about Gd being a fire (Devarim 4:24), etc., it's all metaphor. Gd is not a fire. Please keep that in mind when cooking. You're not sticking a frankfurter in Gd.
Many are right now questioning their faith, as they thought Gd was a fire. An aspect of Gd could be in the fire. He could not be fire. He's definitely more than that. Maybe an aspect of H' is connected to it somehow. I don't know if Rambam would agree with anything I wrote there. I can tell you that Gd is not a fire.
The Torah isn't lying. Metaphors are not lies, once you know they’re a metaphor. I'm just happy the Rambam told us.

Law 5-6: There are different kinds of creations. One of them is my cousin.
​Man is physical and can therefore not understand H.' So, we spend our lives trying to understand H.'
Every creation, though, comes from the strength of His truth. The truth is that you are annoying. Even so, you are still a creation. As messed up as something may seem, it is a creation of Gd’s. Thin Tahini. The thick stuff is so much better. There's a H's truth right there.
Everything exists through the power of H' and His goodness. Each thing is spiritually higher or lower than the next. There is someone better than you. The Ramabm has a way of rubbing it in.

Law 7: From the non-physical creatures, Malachim, there are those that are in a higher realm than others. Even they're competing.
Lowest level of angels is 'Ishim' because they are close to man. They are the ones that communicate with prophets. That's how low they are. They have to deal with people. It's like a curse of being the lowest in the angel realm. And they’re dealing with prophets.
So, us regular people have no connection with the Malachim, which kind of kills the friendship I was hoping to foster with the ones in the middle realms. I figure that they want some contact with somebody too.
Could you imagine if they had to deal with the members of my shul. Those are the angels they’re picking on. The ones they're hazing. “Look at you, having to talk Pinchas down from attacking the Gabai. Maybe you can cry over not getting the ark opening job at shul. Seems to be a big worry. I’m going to be up here riding Gd’s chariot. Basking in Glory.”

Law  8: Malachim, angels, can understand H' better than us. But we still have to try to feel important. So, we talk about politics and sports.
Even the highest angels can't grasp H.' I hope you are catching on here. You have no chance, so learn Torah.
No one can know H' like He knows Himself. Most people don't even know who they are. I can tell you who they are, and I am not an angel. They are annoying.

Lesson:
What's the point. You will never know.
This is the least inspirational learning I have done. Even so, I feel closer to H' now.

Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day is upon us it’s time to talk about what makes Israel special. I love the Holy Land. It's amazing and holy. Here's a little ode to my love of the amazing religious Israel. A religious people in a religious land, with people who also live in Tel Aviv. Here is my prayer of ode. Oh. How I love thee.

Mitzvot permeate all, making everything beautiful. Even the Mitzvah of settling the land is done daily. People doing renovations in the apartment above me, I heard, 'Motik (sweetie). We are settling the land.' And I did hear them settling the land while I was trying to sleep.
When the wife mentioned that their neighbor might be sleeping at 5:30am, her husband responded, 'Mikakel is getting Zechut for joining in the Mitzvah of us redecorating.' I missed Shacharit that morning. Yet, I felt connected to the land and my neighbor's investment in their apartment.
Oh. How I love thee. My dear neighbors who leave their garbage outside my front door. As thou ist religious and must keepeth your home's entrance clean and holy.

Voting is a religious duty in the Homeland. As the Shas party said, 'It’s a Mitzvah to vote.' I voted for Blue and White. I hope it's a Mitzvah to vote for Blue and White too. Maybe the Blue and White party have a rabbi that can get me into heaven as well.
Oh. How I love thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to fulfill the Mitzvah of voting for my government many times every year. Oh. How I thank thee for fulfilling the Hechsher Mitzvah of disbanding the Israeli government.

The sports fans in the Holy Land  are religious. The fans sing 'Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach' when their team is winning, because they know what redemption looks like, and that is Beitar winning a football match.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to jumpith while I sing. Oh. How I pray Mashiach comes during halftime. Our Messiah will understand that it's rude to disrupteth the flow of the game.

Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’i. Translated, this is Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Anything to not work. Most of the country takes off on Wednesdays. At least the workers at the post office aren't there when I need them.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to celebrate even if I must guess when thou ist open for me to pick up my package.

Faith in H' abounds. The way people cross the streets, there is so much belief in Gd. I cross at crosswalks and look both ways. People put their head down and cross. No looking, middle of the road. Emunah is manifested. And the way people drive, the faith. Switching lanes with no blinker. Emunah.
I grew up in America and I am still working on my faith. Someday I hope to have enough Emunah to not look when crossing a road.
Oh. How I love thee. Driving and walking with thee hast helped me witness the presence of H' in our daily life.

The Bible is everywhere, even at the zoo. The Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. Unique in all its biblical ways, with all the biblical animals like penguins.
Oh. How I love thee. I love all the biblical animals thou exhibiteth in the Holy Land that one may not witness anywhere else in the Middle East, such as kangaroos.

People quote Psukim. Torah is everywhere. When the mechanic overcharged me, he said, 'What is 400 shekels of silver between friends.' I thought that was a lot. I was fine with 400 hundred shekels. But the silver part brought up that bill. Yet, he quoted that Pasuk with a smile, and like Efron he took my money. And when he took my money, he smiled. I brought him so much Simcha. So much happiness.
Oh. How I love thee. You bringeth a smile unto my lips when thou taketh my money. Nowhere else in the world do I feel good getting ripped offeth.

You hear people saying stuff like 'HaKol Bidei Shamaim' (everything is in the hands of Gd). People who don't believe that work. They have jobs. Not us. We believe. And even the non-religious still take off Wednesdays. The non-religious still celebrate the holidays.
Oh. How I love thee.

And there is prayer. Tefillah is everywhere. The Land of King David's psalms. You hear people reciting Tehillim regularly. Especially when trying to cross the street. Focused on the prayer, meditating on the holy words of Tehillim. while walking.
Oh. To thee.

Law 9: Anthropomorphism: Don't be Gullible
Now that we have down the foundation of all knowledge, that we know nothing about Gd. With that knowledge, let us explain Gd.
 
Law 9: The Torah uses physical terms to describe Gd. Gd's feet, hands, eyes and ears. Why is it there? If Gd doesn't have it, why do we attribute this to Gd? Why do not finish the full song with mouth and nose, and head, shoulder, knees and toes? There are many questions we have. None of them will be answered, because we know nothing about Gd.

It's placed there as metaphor and examples, so we can understand. Since we are spiritually dumb, we need physical language to have some idea what's going on. Ask any Kabbalist living in Tzfat in the 16th century, you are an idiot.
We're corporeal. No idea what that means. But it sounds sophisticated.

H's hand is really not His hand. You can't slap H' five. This isn't high school. This isn't a baseball game with a high five.
One thing I know about Gd. Always capitalize anything I write about Him.

Why does it say (Shemot 24:10) 'Beneath His feet,' (31:18) 'Written by H"s finger.' (9:3) 'Gd's hand,' (Bereishit 38:7) 'Gd's eyes,' (Bamidbar 11:1) 'Gd's ears' and so on?
I don't know. I hope that helps. Why do you insist on knowing all of this. To quote Shlomo: 'Are you trying to be better than me?!'
This isn't a game. This is life. This is H'. And you think we're playing Mr. Potato Head.
How did Gd write the tablets with His finger when He doesn't have one? Only Gd can do that. Gd and possibly my rabbi.
Now I must be honest. I am very confused.
I can tell you Shimon Simchovitz didn't write the Torah. I've seen his writing. Very poor penmanship. He couldn't even write a Mezuzah.
Bigger question. Where does 'ibid.' come from? How does that mean 'same place'? If you can answer that, that is a knowledgeable human being. If you can spell knowledgeable without spellcheck, you're smart.

How about these?
(Devarim 32:41) 'I will sharpen my lightning sword.' What does that mean? Does H' have a sword? What's a lightning sword? It does sound cool though. Even The Legend of Zelda doesn't have a sword that cool.
(Daniel 7:9) 'Clothed in snow white.' Who has clothes made out of snow? Snow shirts melt. And they don't keep you warm. Yet. H' has that. And why did they never give H' credit for Snow White? These are all very important questions. And we will not answer any of them, because we have no idea.
And Moshe envisioned H' wrapped in a Tallit. Every morning, I envision myself getting smacked with the tassels of the Tallit the guy is wrapping next to me.

A lot of defining about what we can’t define going on over here.

Lesson: H' can't be understood or grasped by human thought. Therefore, we will keep trying to understand Him and learning Torah.
We need the physical terminology because we're idiots. I'm going to get a drink with Gd right now.

Laws 7-8: Oneness Can't Be Defined - So We Shall Define It

Law 7: There is only One. As it says in the Torah, (Devarim 6:4) 'H" is our Gd, H" is One.' That is another commandment. Third one in this chapter. Three commandments for a belief that we cannot believe in more than once. That is a lot of expression of one belief, that there is One. One Gd.
How many gods do you need? Are there not enough Mitzvahs as there is?! We don't need more commandments. The Torah is good.
Anything more than One would mean physical and that means an end. That means a board is getting involved and there are committees, and religion dies. I hope that doesn't offend you.
H' is not offended. H' doesn’t have feelings, for that would mean change, and that is physical. Point is that this is very confusing.

H' has no body. Hence, anything dealing with bodies is not relevant to Gd. H' is not limited or defined. Gd is simply one. Therefore, we can't describe Gd. Now I am confused, and trying to figure out why we are defining something that can't be defined. This feels a bit like math.
As it teaches in the Shema, (Devarim 6:4) 'Hear oh Israel, H' is our Lord H' is One.' That's it. H' is one and there are a lot of Mitzvahs about it.

Law 8: H' has no body, as H' is the 'Lord in the heavens above and earth below' (Devarim 4:39). A physical being can't be in two places at once. How my parents knew when I misbehaved in school is still an anomaly.
And H' resembles nothing else. Physical beings resemble other things. That cannot happen when there is oneness. H' doesn't have a doppelganger.
Nobody has ever posted a Gd lookalike on Instagram. Only selfies. Anybody who thinks they're posting a Gd doppelganger is probably posting Charlton Heston. Charlton was Moses.
(Isaiah 40:25) 'To whom can you liken Me and that I will be equal.' Something with a body has equals. And H' doesn't have an ego. He's not showing off here. If Deion Sanders was saying that he has no equal, that would be egotistical.
I didn't learn the rest of Isaiah. Too many chapters.
Why do we not see H'? If we would've seen Gd at Har Sinai, we would've started making idols (Devarim 4:15-16). We would've got all high on ourselves and started making gods. Physical beings like Play-Doh too much.
Why do you need H' to be physical? Do you have a need to go drinking with Him?! I am confused. Who is my doppelganger?

Without these beliefs in Gd, it would appear that we would be following subjective laws, and there would not be a ‘Truth.' I have met many people, and I can say that I would not want them making up laws. We all see what happened in the Knesset over the past 75 some-odd years. How the Jerusalem municipality can put a stop on my bank account for not paying somebody else's Arnona... only a finite being can come up with a law like that. Want to talk about why there is no decent park in my neighborhood? Somebody in the city made that decision. Some fool who is probably printing Silly Putty on a newspaper right now.

Lesson: The real idea being expressed is that us finite beings are idiots. The foundation of all knowledge is to know that you are not that smart.
Because we are not that clever, the Torah commands us to believe in Gd, in three ways.

To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious.

Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim.

His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha.

They can't even make a Kugel.

They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics.

I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them.

They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei.

They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum.

I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?!

They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin.
Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.'

He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis.

They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them.

Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda.

They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there.
They've never even been to Monsey.
I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that.
I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul.

They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you.

The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains.
Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills.

During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo.

They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha.

He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish.

They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim.

I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp.
No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer.

Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish.
You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher.

Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious.

​Kippahs have been traditionally worn as head coverings to unite people around the world in hatred of Jews. In Israel however, the kippah is a political statement of your beliefs and who you want to marry (so that other Jews can unite in hatred of you). Whether you call it a Kippa, Kippah, Yarmulke, Skullcap, what you wear is how I will define you. Here's a list of some of the most popular kippahs, the styles, and why they are worn:
 
Velvet Kippah
Big in the Chassidic and Yeshiva communities, you wear this and you are immediately accepted as a decent Jew who is serious about learning Torah. Jewish style starts in Brooklyn, and for this reason most every Jewish community has adopted this look.
Black is the color. The velvet yarmulke should not be turquoise or any kind of blue, unless if you are a child. You will never get a shidduch and find your true match if you are found wearing red velvet.
 
The Kippah Srugah – Knit Kippah
The knit kippah is a political statement meaning you are Zionistic, and you should move to Israel if you want to meet your better half. Zionists like to crochet- not many people know that. Non-Zionists will sew, but they don't crochet. Neither embroiders.
To show you're very Zionistic, wear the Israeli army kippah in knit form. Wearing the army yarmulke in cloth form will confuse people. You'll end up marrying a girl who wears jeans but doesn't allow TV or the internet in the house.
Remember, the kippah is more important than the action. No need to join the army itself. Wearing the kippah, you get just as much honor and are appreciated enough for your political beliefs.
 
The Soloveitchik
This Black Kippah is similar to the velvet, but without the velvet outside. Just the inside doubled up. Known as the Soloveitchik, this easy to breath velvet style is the summer go to option. Jewish men perspire three times more than the average male. Nothing to do with the Yarmulke; it's the extra choolante and sorbet eaten during the summer months. With the Soloveitchik, you only perspire twice as much.

The Chabad
A velvet or Soloveitchik kippah with designs and words on it. Designs of trains are usually added to it. Trains with Aleph Bet letters inside. You get the kippah when you're three, and you wear the same one, always. That's how you teach tradition. To note, this is the only velvet kippah that's allowed to be blue. It's understood that it was given to you as a youngster, before you were looking for a wife. 
The Army of H' Kippah is a collectors item. That's why you never see anybody wearing that one. You also don't learn very much about self defense in the Army of H'. Though, you do learn about Torah and serving Gd. So, I wouldn't suggest showing off that you're part of that army, unless if you're ready to summon your enemies in a battle of prayer.
 
Knit Kippah that Was Knitted for You with Your Name on It
Big in the 1980s modern orthodox America scene, this meant love. Anybody can purchase a knitted kippah. However, getting your name knitted on the kippah and then to have Shira’s name on the inside; that's the greatest show of devotion any teenager could exhibit. That means somebody cared about you enough to crochet and not listen during Bible and Halacha class.
Many married men wear this kippah from their youth to remind them of somebody they love.
Side Note: I love those old Jewish jokes about wives and mothers-in-laws. I think that last line falls into the category.
 
Machine Knit
What I wear on Shabbat to save $30. And what I always wore, because I never had a girlfriend growing up.
Hand knit is not mentioned in this article, as I am not a classist. I'm not going to ostracize the 99% of the population that can't afford knit by hand or a date.
 
The Carlebach
This kippah says you have more hair than the average Jew. This kippah is crocheted like the knit kippah, but with thick yarn. Three times the size of a knit kippah and less than half the weave, this Rasta tam headwear is very popular with the hippie Jewish people who have never been to Jamaica.
When making my own, I go for the Sruga Carlebach hybrid, where I take extremely thick yarn and weave three loops and call it a kippah. The yarn is a great time saver.
The settlers use this thickness of yarn. They’re the closest to hippies, as they live in a Woodstock type atmosphere year-round. With Settler thick payis, one could get away with less yarn.
 
The Bucharian
This is the original big kippah and yet it still pales in size to the Cohen’s headdress. Originating in Asia, these most colorful kippahs drew their uniqueness and design from their local imaginative culture, the same way the Ashkenazik Jews drew the black kippah from European culture. Jewish culture and cuisine are influenced by the excitement of surrounding nations, which is why European Jews wear black to identify with European ethos of living in lament.
Along with the Carlbeach, large knit and huge velvets, this kippah is tactfully used to cover baldness. If you notice, as Jews age the yarmulke becomes larger, even if they are not becoming more religious.
 
Felt With Sports Team
This means you went to some boy’s Bar Mitzvah over the past 6 years.
 
Suede
This says you are an American traditional Jew, have no opinion about Israel, went to Hebrew day school for 12 years and can’t speak Hebrew.
The suede style also means nobody loved you enough to knit you one. Though the knitted usually comes out poorly shaped, once made for you, you would have to wear it or you would get in trouble. Nobody has ever knit a suede yarmulke for anybody. If any ladies are reading, I would gladly take a suede kippah with my name glittered on it. I would be fine with any bedazzlement.
 
Suede with Name & Date Inside
This means you attended a Bar Mitzvah or wedding in the 1980s. In the 1980s you would go for a weekend celebration and get a yarmulke so that you would have something, along with the Birkat Hamozon Blessing Book, you couldn’t find when the celebrants visited you.
I cherish these 1980s celebrations with the attendance imprint on all items. When my friend Abby got Bar Mitzvahed, some people thought that was a girl’s name on the inside of my yarmulke. I felt loved.
Nowadays, you just receive a felt yarmulke with a random sports teams on it. There is no name. No date on the inside. And then they expect you to remember the exact day the boy went up to read the Torah. They quiz you about the generic yarmulke when they visit. How am I supposed to remember that Chaim from Nova Scotia who got Bar Mitzvahed 18 years ago’s favorite baseball team is the Marlins? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how why there is a 'C' in the marlin logo. 
 
The Paper Yarmulke
You showed up at the Kotel and weren’t prepared. Now everybody knows you are not a religious Jew. 
They're going to bring back the paper kippahs when they realize how much fun Jewish origami is. Nothing is as fun as folding paper and using staples. That's how Jews origami. It's easier and smarter. Still trying to figure out how the people of the Far East never thought of staples.
 
The Satin Reflector
This means safety is important to you, or that you grew up in the 1940s and were born before the modern state of Israel. The safest of all kippahs, this shiny yarmulke should always be worn at night. Wearing the Satin Reflector during daylight hours is also a strong statement that you are married and not trying to look good.
Note: Never purchase the Satin Reflector. You can always find this kippah in the shul’s Kippah box. In the coatroom, you can also find the reflector vest box, for late night walking home in the winter. Boxes are an important part of synagogue life.

Traditional Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke
Made from satin or silk, these make it easier to spot the non-religious relatives. When the sexton chooses who gets the honors, he looks around at the Bar Mitzvah guests and knows that these people with the satin kippah perched on the top of their gelled hair are not the ones to call up to the Torah. 

White Satin
You are a thief. You stole this from the hotel. We know this because the name of the hotel is on the kippah.
 
The Black & White Yarmulke
I came across this design at a Jewish peace rally. Not to be confused with the black and white cookie, the cloth is not edible. Half is made of velvet and half is crocheted. This yarmulke has brought no peace between the different movements, as it is the ugliest kippah ever made and nobody wants to be seen wearing it. For a moment though, many Jews united in hatred of this kippah.

The Sleeper
This is similar to the Carlebach in size. However, it has a little tassel on the top of it. It's white and worn by many Jerusalem Chasidim, along with many NaNach Breslovers. You can find the sleeper without the tassel, but that makes it harder to hang near the bed.
No NaNach would wear the non-tasseled Sleeper. Nothing beats jumping out of the van at the traffic light with the tassel and Payis flying to modern disco thumping and lyrics of 'Nachman MeyUman. Rebbe Nacham MeyUman.'

The Toupee
Along with the baseball cap, this is used as Jewish camouflage when traveling. It's also a great way to show solidarity with the religious Jewish women who have to walk around with the discomfort of a wig. 
To note, the toupee doesn't lessen the sweat.

Yarmulke designs are endless. You can get the silk kippah if you have no style. The knit coaster, easily crocheted in five minutes, when you need a kippah on the go. The knit coaster is tiny and is great if you enjoy the sensation of a fly on your head. Though many say the size is not Kosher, this yarmulke is the easiest to fit the Tefillin over. Now, I ask who is more religious.
Many wear a Fez when they want to make the political statement that they are pro-Morocco. I even purchased a camouflage design, but the green does not camouflage baldness. For this reason, I now camouflage with the velvet. And the designs go on with the Hesder Yeshiva large knit, the bandana for sports, the hardened velvet cone style for people with weirdly shaped heads. There's so much you can do with a kippah. You can fold it over and make a Hamentash. You can even write your political opinions on it, if the kippah is not clear enough.
Whatever you decide, choose your kippah and political statement wisely, and look decent. Be sure to pick the right kippah, so you don't end up marrying the person. Know who you want to marry and pick out the right kippah so that everybody knows what you really think about them.

Next time, we will talk about where to place the Kippah on your head, so that you don't look like a heretic. 

RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards.
​Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.'
•Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101.

SPORTS
•Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers.
•Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game.
•As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish.
Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle.

ENTERTAINMENT
•The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' 
For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary)

STYLE
•The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back.
•New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.'
Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante.

ISRAEL 
•Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel.

WORLD
•'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen.

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•It's still there.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.