To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious.

Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim.

His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha.

They can't even make a Kugel.

They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics.

I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them.

They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei.

They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum.

I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?!

They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin.
Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.'

He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis.

They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them.

Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda.

They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there.
They've never even been to Monsey.
I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that.
I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul.

They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you.

The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains.
Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills.

During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo.

They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha.

He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish.

They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim.

I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp.
No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer.

Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish.
You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher.

Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious.

​Kippahs have been traditionally worn as head coverings to unite people around the world in hatred of Jews. In Israel however, the kippah is a political statement of your beliefs and who you want to marry (so that other Jews can unite in hatred of you). Whether you call it a Kippa, Kippah, Yarmulke, Skullcap, what you wear is how I will define you. Here's a list of some of the most popular kippahs, the styles, and why they are worn:
 
Velvet Kippah
Big in the Chassidic and Yeshiva communities, you wear this and you are immediately accepted as a decent Jew who is serious about learning Torah. Jewish style starts in Brooklyn, and for this reason most every Jewish community has adopted this look.
Black is the color. The velvet yarmulke should not be turquoise or any kind of blue, unless if you are a child. You will never get a shidduch and find your true match if you are found wearing red velvet.
 
The Kippah Srugah – Knit Kippah
The knit kippah is a political statement meaning you are Zionistic, and you should move to Israel if you want to meet your better half. Zionists like to crochet- not many people know that. Non-Zionists will sew, but they don't crochet. Neither embroiders.
To show you're very Zionistic, wear the Israeli army kippah in knit form. Wearing the army yarmulke in cloth form will confuse people. You'll end up marrying a girl who wears jeans but doesn't allow TV or the internet in the house.
Remember, the kippah is more important than the action. No need to join the army itself. Wearing the kippah, you get just as much honor and are appreciated enough for your political beliefs.
 
The Soloveitchik
This Black Kippah is similar to the velvet, but without the velvet outside. Just the inside doubled up. Known as the Soloveitchik, this easy to breath velvet style is the summer go to option. Jewish men perspire three times more than the average male. Nothing to do with the Yarmulke; it's the extra choolante and sorbet eaten during the summer months. With the Soloveitchik, you only perspire twice as much.

The Chabad
A velvet or Soloveitchik kippah with designs and words on it. Designs of trains are usually added to it. Trains with Aleph Bet letters inside. You get the kippah when you're three, and you wear the same one, always. That's how you teach tradition. To note, this is the only velvet kippah that's allowed to be blue. It's understood that it was given to you as a youngster, before you were looking for a wife. 
The Army of H' Kippah is a collectors item. That's why you never see anybody wearing that one. You also don't learn very much about self defense in the Army of H'. Though, you do learn about Torah and serving Gd. So, I wouldn't suggest showing off that you're part of that army, unless if you're ready to summon your enemies in a battle of prayer.
 
Knit Kippah that Was Knitted for You with Your Name on It
Big in the 1980s modern orthodox America scene, this meant love. Anybody can purchase a knitted kippah. However, getting your name knitted on the kippah and then to have Shira’s name on the inside; that's the greatest show of devotion any teenager could exhibit. That means somebody cared about you enough to crochet and not listen during Bible and Halacha class.
Many married men wear this kippah from their youth to remind them of somebody they love.
Side Note: I love those old Jewish jokes about wives and mothers-in-laws. I think that last line falls into the category.
 
Machine Knit
What I wear on Shabbat to save $30. And what I always wore, because I never had a girlfriend growing up.
Hand knit is not mentioned in this article, as I am not a classist. I'm not going to ostracize the 99% of the population that can't afford knit by hand or a date.
 
The Carlebach
This kippah says you have more hair than the average Jew. This kippah is crocheted like the knit kippah, but with thick yarn. Three times the size of a knit kippah and less than half the weave, this Rasta tam headwear is very popular with the hippie Jewish people who have never been to Jamaica.
When making my own, I go for the Sruga Carlebach hybrid, where I take extremely thick yarn and weave three loops and call it a kippah. The yarn is a great time saver.
The settlers use this thickness of yarn. They’re the closest to hippies, as they live in a Woodstock type atmosphere year-round. With Settler thick payis, one could get away with less yarn.
 
The Bucharian
This is the original big kippah and yet it still pales in size to the Cohen’s headdress. Originating in Asia, these most colorful kippahs drew their uniqueness and design from their local imaginative culture, the same way the Ashkenazik Jews drew the black kippah from European culture. Jewish culture and cuisine are influenced by the excitement of surrounding nations, which is why European Jews wear black to identify with European ethos of living in lament.
Along with the Carlbeach, large knit and huge velvets, this kippah is tactfully used to cover baldness. If you notice, as Jews age the yarmulke becomes larger, even if they are not becoming more religious.
 
Felt With Sports Team
This means you went to some boy’s Bar Mitzvah over the past 6 years.
 
Suede
This says you are an American traditional Jew, have no opinion about Israel, went to Hebrew day school for 12 years and can’t speak Hebrew.
The suede style also means nobody loved you enough to knit you one. Though the knitted usually comes out poorly shaped, once made for you, you would have to wear it or you would get in trouble. Nobody has ever knit a suede yarmulke for anybody. If any ladies are reading, I would gladly take a suede kippah with my name glittered on it. I would be fine with any bedazzlement.
 
Suede with Name & Date Inside
This means you attended a Bar Mitzvah or wedding in the 1980s. In the 1980s you would go for a weekend celebration and get a yarmulke so that you would have something, along with the Birkat Hamozon Blessing Book, you couldn’t find when the celebrants visited you.
I cherish these 1980s celebrations with the attendance imprint on all items. When my friend Abby got Bar Mitzvahed, some people thought that was a girl’s name on the inside of my yarmulke. I felt loved.
Nowadays, you just receive a felt yarmulke with a random sports teams on it. There is no name. No date on the inside. And then they expect you to remember the exact day the boy went up to read the Torah. They quiz you about the generic yarmulke when they visit. How am I supposed to remember that Chaim from Nova Scotia who got Bar Mitzvahed 18 years ago’s favorite baseball team is the Marlins? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how why there is a 'C' in the marlin logo. 
 
The Paper Yarmulke
You showed up at the Kotel and weren’t prepared. Now everybody knows you are not a religious Jew. 
They're going to bring back the paper kippahs when they realize how much fun Jewish origami is. Nothing is as fun as folding paper and using staples. That's how Jews origami. It's easier and smarter. Still trying to figure out how the people of the Far East never thought of staples.
 
The Satin Reflector
This means safety is important to you, or that you grew up in the 1940s and were born before the modern state of Israel. The safest of all kippahs, this shiny yarmulke should always be worn at night. Wearing the Satin Reflector during daylight hours is also a strong statement that you are married and not trying to look good.
Note: Never purchase the Satin Reflector. You can always find this kippah in the shul’s Kippah box. In the coatroom, you can also find the reflector vest box, for late night walking home in the winter. Boxes are an important part of synagogue life.

Traditional Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke
Made from satin or silk, these make it easier to spot the non-religious relatives. When the sexton chooses who gets the honors, he looks around at the Bar Mitzvah guests and knows that these people with the satin kippah perched on the top of their gelled hair are not the ones to call up to the Torah. 

White Satin
You are a thief. You stole this from the hotel. We know this because the name of the hotel is on the kippah.
 
The Black & White Yarmulke
I came across this design at a Jewish peace rally. Not to be confused with the black and white cookie, the cloth is not edible. Half is made of velvet and half is crocheted. This yarmulke has brought no peace between the different movements, as it is the ugliest kippah ever made and nobody wants to be seen wearing it. For a moment though, many Jews united in hatred of this kippah.

The Sleeper
This is similar to the Carlebach in size. However, it has a little tassel on the top of it. It's white and worn by many Jerusalem Chasidim, along with many NaNach Breslovers. You can find the sleeper without the tassel, but that makes it harder to hang near the bed.
No NaNach would wear the non-tasseled Sleeper. Nothing beats jumping out of the van at the traffic light with the tassel and Payis flying to modern disco thumping and lyrics of 'Nachman MeyUman. Rebbe Nacham MeyUman.'

The Toupee
Along with the baseball cap, this is used as Jewish camouflage when traveling. It's also a great way to show solidarity with the religious Jewish women who have to walk around with the discomfort of a wig. 
To note, the toupee doesn't lessen the sweat.

Yarmulke designs are endless. You can get the silk kippah if you have no style. The knit coaster, easily crocheted in five minutes, when you need a kippah on the go. The knit coaster is tiny and is great if you enjoy the sensation of a fly on your head. Though many say the size is not Kosher, this yarmulke is the easiest to fit the Tefillin over. Now, I ask who is more religious.
Many wear a Fez when they want to make the political statement that they are pro-Morocco. I even purchased a camouflage design, but the green does not camouflage baldness. For this reason, I now camouflage with the velvet. And the designs go on with the Hesder Yeshiva large knit, the bandana for sports, the hardened velvet cone style for people with weirdly shaped heads. There's so much you can do with a kippah. You can fold it over and make a Hamentash. You can even write your political opinions on it, if the kippah is not clear enough.
Whatever you decide, choose your kippah and political statement wisely, and look decent. Be sure to pick the right kippah, so you don't end up marrying the person. Know who you want to marry and pick out the right kippah so that everybody knows what you really think about them.

Next time, we will talk about where to place the Kippah on your head, so that you don't look like a heretic. 

RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards.
​Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.'
•Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101.

SPORTS
•Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers.
•Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game.
•As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish.
Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle.

ENTERTAINMENT
•The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' 
For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary)

STYLE
•The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back.
•New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.'
Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante.

ISRAEL 
•Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel.

WORLD
•'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen.

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•It's still there.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.