​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..

This month we focused on work and food, and how people risked their lives to figure out the correct temperature at which a hand would burn.

A worker can eat of grapes they’re cutting, but the Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 12:11) says you should not overeat... Even though it is free, you don’t want to get fat.
This is derived from (Devarim 23:25) "When you enter a fellow’s vineyard, and you eat grapes as you desire, to your satisfaction." In other words, "until you are full." And I eat a lot. Which is why nobody wants to hire me. Even my lunch breaks take too long... The Pasuk continues, "but you must not put any in your vessel." Which is why I got fired from my last job. I took too many pens home.

Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they would say, "That's the temperature." And then make them stick their hand back in.
Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
 
In Sefer Ta’amei HaMinhagim, Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak Sperling teaches that because it says in Shabbat Musaf “Those who savor it will merit life,” it’s a Minhag to eat before Shabbis. That’s what Frum guys told their wives 150 years ago so they could eat choolante earlier. Before Shabbat. Which the wife was saving for the guests.
Some would say that these words in Shabbat Musaf are talking about the showbread. But it would seem the men of the time would rather eat some potato kugel and Kokosh cake.
The men who came up with the Minhag could’ve quoted the next part of the line “and also, those who love its speech have chosen greatness,” but that wouldn’t have helped with their hankering.
 
(Rambam- Hilchot Sechirut 13:6) A worker can’t starve himself for he will not be able to work with proper energy. Because that is stealing from his boss... And this is why Frum Jews are heavier. You put that together with Shabbat, Gd gives you no chance to takeoff weight.
And then you’re allowed to eat in the vineyard when working. Absolutely no chance.

And thus we have an excuse to eat. Which is why I listen to the rabbis.

Last time, we discussed how our first Sukkah Hoppers risked their lives, walking unannounced into people’s Sukkahs. We have them to thank for our modern tradition. And we shall forever celebrate them. From the time of the Cossacks, there was around four hundred years of no Sukkah Hoppers. The Cossacks were not kind to hoppers. Yet, as Jews, we don’t let anybody steal our tradition.
 
A Youth Group Revives Ancient Tradition
NCSY was a growing youth movement. In the mid-70s they were looking for a program. They had a board meeting. And thus, no program happened.
The following year the NCSY youth had no board meeting, and thus the program happened. It was at this moment in history that the community came to the realization that nothing happens when you have a meeting.
The youth advisor in Fallsville said, "We should Sukkah Hop. There's an ancient tradition to go to people's homes and ask for food while they're hosting others for brisket, steak and Huliphches." "What do we get?" one child asked. To which the advisor responded, "Not that... If you're lucky, you get a taffy. Many times, without even a joke inside."
As it was a youth event, they naturally skipped. But the event was over in four minutes. The advisor, Sharon, didn't take into account how fast kids move when they're skipping. Thus, the following year, they coined the program "Sukkah Hopping."
Arguments among the NCSY youth were had. "But Sukkah Hopping doesn't rhyme." "It's also not an alliteration." Nonetheless, NCSY took the chance and sent out the Sukkah Hoppers. They declared, "We do not want to pay for a program. Other people's Sukkahs are free... The people of whom the Sukkahs belong will pay for the food for the kids." And so, the NCSY youth hopped along. And they hopped. They disturbed people's dinner.
NCSY took a chance at being the first organization to put together a program that neither rhymed or alliterated, and is thus revolutionary. And why teenagers don't Sukkah hope anymore. And have instead opted in for Hookah in the Sukkah.
But the kids heard about this idea and they started hopping all over.

Sukkah Hopping Takes Off
Sukkah hopping grew. It was greater than NCSY. Children from all over the Jewish world noticed there was candy. And this candy was not in their homes. It was in Sukkahs. And to this day, Jews still haven't learned how to fortify their Sukkahs. The candy was thus there for the taking. Jewish children around the world started hopping. Nobody reports hoppers to the police. Nobody calls in a hopper with gummy worms.
Parents stopped caring about their children in the year 1996. As such, Sukkah Hopping became an activity for all ages, including crews of preschoolers. 
Parents wanted their kids to stay home for dinner, but children were adamant. "We eat candy on holidays." The parents of the Five Towns Settlement (protested very much in the news for their occupation of land in Long Island) told their children "Jewish tradition is to eat brisket on holidays." Protest came back, "But I have never seen brisket gummy candy." And brisket is now not a Jewish holiday tradition anymore.

Sukkah Hopping Is Done
Simchat Torah came. Sukkah Hopping was over. Children didn't want to be Jewish. To quote Benjy: "If there is no candy, I want nothing to do with this religion."
What do we do? There are no Sukkahs to hop to? It was shameful. Kids around the globe protested yet again. Little Sarah asked, “Why did we stop hopping?” Here mom, Mrs. Finkelman, answered, “Because we are not eating in the Sukkahs.” At this moment, Little Sarah renounced her Judaism. This was the first case in history where are parent allowed her child of eight years old, to make her own decisions. Which led to a sex change.
The Finkelmans noticed the absurdity of no hopping. Thus, at Simchat Torah 1998, they started throwing candy at children. The children once again wanted to be Jewish, and the children were pelted with sweets. To quote Benjy: "I love this religion." Benjy was scarred by the Twizzlers. Why a parent would throw a whole pack of Twizzlers at a child for celebratory reasons is a study we have not fully delved into yet. However, we're still trying to figure out how Sukkah Hopping turned into child abuse that children love.
And even during Simchat Torah children where happy and started hopping again. They were not walking. They were actually skipping. Skipping and jumping on the floor to get the candy they were attacked by.
 
Epilogue
As it's not run by NCSY anymore, Sukkah Hopping is actually done by skipping. Still called Sukkah Hopping, people want to get it over with. They want their sour sticks and they want to get them fast. Skipping is more efficient.
Some places, where people aren't scared of skippers, they've now changed the night to Sukkah Skipping. After many millennia of intermittent hopping, the Jewish community has come to the conclusion that nobody can hop for more than two miles. It took many years of continued injury to come to this realization.
Hopping also ruins the Simchat Torah dancing circles. It slows them down. Nonetheless, for some reason, many kids still hop. In some communities in Modiin, it won't stop. Candy gets kids to hop. Especially Butterfingers whacking you in the face.
Skipping and hopping is now quite confusing. It depends on your community's tradition. I believe most communities skip now.

Some communities tried stopping Sukkah Hopping and Skipping in 2008. Yet, that was a failed attempt. Kids realized their parents weren’t buying them enough candy. It turns out people are fine buying candy for children that are not theirs. It turns out people also give gummy worms to people who skip. We have evolved as a people over the last three thousand years.
In 2018 the Rabbanut decided it should be called Sukkah Hopping, as reports have shown that many burglars do skip. This decision was made as per the Responsa of Rav Eginger, where he said to not put a stumbling block in front of a Sukkah. It was the first consensus of rabbis since the destruction of the Second Temple. 
Though the name is "Hopping," the rabbis do allow for skipping.

Sukkah Hopping still exists, due to the modern development of gummy worms and gummy fish. But only the ones from Trader Joe's. Because they taste better.
Why Sukkah hoppers still can't get chicken and Kugel, I do not know. I do suggest it be studied by a scholar. It may have something to do with board meetings and decisions made by committees.

Some youth started driving. They got cars and they started going to 7-Eleven. That was the downfall of NCSY.

To this day, the number one reason for children choosing to convert to Judaism in elementary school is the candy received before Halloween. Christina Leah Malka told me, "I couldn't wait a whole month. I decided I'll be Jewish and pack away my candies. It turned out, with the advent of Sukkah Hopping and the Simchat Torah sweets, I didn't even need Halloween anymore." 

Next time, we shall discuss the history of your child spending eight hundred and fifty dollars at their Jewish Summer Camp canteen, and not having enough candy to make it through the holiday. We will also discuss the rise in the cost of gummies, due to Sukkah Hopping in skipping form, and the Finkelmans’ involvement.

The first Sukkahs were made in the desert, the Midbar. The Jews lived in them. At first people were very protective of their little huts. It turns out that breaking into a Sukkah is very easy. You've got to stand guard at all times. They didn't have security conduct codes back then for Jewish communities. They didn't have Hamas back then. People weren't that scared of Amalek, and everybody knew where the community programs were. They announced the location, and people knew where to go, even before deciding on going.
Many thought to not announce the precise location of events, for safety and security reasons. However, those sects didn't take off. Their traditions got lost, because nobody could find them. This is how the tradition of the Essenes was forgotten from history. It was a Pharisee who exclaimed, "Not knowing where the event is was how we got stuck in the Midbar in the first place." 
The homes were not safe. Some of the homes even had walls that were a Tefach, one handbreadth wide. The rabbis said that constitutes a wall. The fact the rabbis said it only needs three walls, shows how not fortified the dwellings were. The Sukkah builders always skimped out saying, "The rabbis say it's a wall." To quote Ahron, "This guy took me for all I have. These Sukkah contractors are worse than my mechanic." How Sukkah developers became a business is another piece of history we will get into another time. When we talk about how the Reichmann family got started. Needless to say, Sukkah hoppers were not welcome.

The First Sukkah Hoppers
It's hard to sleep at night knowing your dwelling has a handbreadth as a wall. A lot of food was stolen. And people did not hop from Sukkah to Sukkah, or dwelling to dwelling. They walked to their neighbors' homes in the desert. And the first Sukkah hoppers got shot. Known as walkers in those days, we still call them the original hoppers.
They were shot by bow and arrow. They didn't have guns back then, and the Byrna had not been developed yet. The Byrna could've saved many of lives. Some historic accounts have a sword being used to keep the neighbor away from the Chumus. To note, though it's historic, I don't decorate my Sukkah with the illustration of the guy reaching for the Chumus with the sword jutting out of his heart.
For safety reasons, the first Sukkah hoppers were sliced by the sword. Nonetheless, we have them to thank for the tradition.

Hadrian and the Modern Sukkah
When the Jews first came back to Israel, in 1273 BCE, they were still building huts. It took a few winters and rain seasons before the Jews realized that the rabbis were not good contractors. They would see these walls and ask "Where is the rest of it?" When Rabbi Shloimy said to Pinchas ben Nachum (who nobody knows about, because he wasn't a rabbi, and he wasn't famous, and I have never seen his grave, and the only people that they buried back then were famous people- as I know from my travels in the northern parts of Israel, where every grave is of a famous person who passed- non-famous people didn't die back then) "that's a wall. It's a handbreadth," Pinchas protested and said, "Well I feel a draft." Upon this protest, the rest of the community joined Pinchas ben Nachum and hired Hadrian, which led to exile. Nonetheless, their homes were built better.
It might have been Barthalemous who was the main contractor then. I might be 1400 years off with this account. All I know is the walls on their huts finally connected. Nonetheless, they still used Schach for their roofs. A problem during the rainy season, but at least they had walls. It was a start.
Rabbi Shloimy said, "You have to listen to the rabbis." The rabbis said Rabbi Shloimy wasn't a rabbi, and he only dressed religiously to close on deals with Jews, like the mechanic. It turns out people trust a mechanic with a Yarmulke. Kippahs are supposed to remind you Gd is there, and to help close on deals.
It was at this moment, still living in huts, they realized they were starving. Food was hard to come by. It was hard times. People needed to find a way to get food.
Whatever happened, at some point Hadrian took over Israel because they had faulty roofs. And it was during this time that Sukkah hopping was revived.

In Israel They Start to Hop
First living in Sukkahs in the Holy Land, due to rabbinic building ordinance and small handbreadths, nobody had a lot of money. Hence, the ancient Israelites hopped from Sukkah to Sukkah in hopes of food. It turns out, when you see somebody hopping, you feel bad for them. You ask why they're not using their other leg. And you offer them Twizzlers.
Some of the kids skipped, as they were in Israel and joyful. However, nobody gives candy to people skipping. They're moving too fast. It's hard to chase them down, yelling, "You have too much energy. Here are some sweets."
Children skipping look too happy to receive charity. Hence, the tradition of only asking for charity in disheveled dress.

The Walking Era
People went years walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. The Mesorah, tradition, passed from generation to generation was lost. The Jewish people didn't know if they should skip or hop.
In the 1600s the community of Krakow was found walking from Sukkah to Sukkah. They said they were "getting in their steps." Nobody fell for this. They knew they were trying to get gummy worms.
Speaking of the quail who were stealing the gummy worms, many Jews in the desert were using the gummy worms, especially the florescent orange ones, to fish. Using gummy worms to fish in the desert didn't work. Which is why nobody uses gummy worms to fish today. Even in Lake Erie.
Nobody got much food walking. They would maybe get a little tea with a biscuit. Kids stopped joining for the walks. Due to the lack of food given to random people walking into Sukkahs, the community of Krakow stopped getting in their steps. And the children were not hopping. Not even for relay races. Without the candy of Sukkot, they started getting diabetes.
Then the Cossacks came and Sukkah walking, came to an end. Some hopped. The Cossacks didn’t like hoppers either. After all the destruction, even the Baal Shem Tov and the Chassidic movement couldn’t get people to hop anymore. They would only go for a Shpatzir.
Shpatziring ensued. And nobody who Shpatzirs on a holiday is going to stop in a Sukkah.

Epilogue
The Cossacks had a lot to do with the modern-day development of Sukkahs without flimsy walls.
Needless to say, the tradition of Sukkah Hopping is steeped in a dark history. 

Next time we shall discuss the reemergence of hopping with NCSY youth.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.

In last month's lesson we discussed the historical development of the obligation to eat fifteen hours every Shabbat. But how did the rabbis ensure we would not take off weight once Sunday came around.
To note, this an appendix to last month's historical work. This is not a piece about your abdomen. I'm not privy to the history of your intestines.

Modern Problems of the Summer and Diet
The people do things and the rabbis have to create what's known as a Geder. A fence around the Jewish law to ensure the Jewish people remain steadfast in Torah and heavy.
People may put on weight on Shabbat. Even so, Shabbat has its limitations as it's only one day a week.
It happened one summer where Jews were going to the Catskills. Women started what is known as walking groups. With these groups, they did what is known as walks. This is the problem with women not learning Halacha. The Rav of Woodbourne proclaimed, "I agree. Our congregants have taken off weight this summer and they are thus not religious. If the women only learned Jewish law, they would not be this slim." Rav Nasan Himelwitz agreed. "The more time spent learning Torah, the less walking they will do." And this is how Modern Orthodoxy started.
And then Malkie came up with this idea of what is known as a diet plan. It was clear Malkie did not get this from Torah. Nowhere in the Bible does Gd mention a diet plan. To this day, rabbis question if Yom Kippur was a mistake.
Jews were taking off weight. Shabbat couldn't compete with this heretical idea of a diet. Arguments were had about this new concept known as health.
People were questioning if thin people were even Jewish. "I don’t think Malkie’s keeping Shabbis," was heard back in the Shtetl. The lack of food was concerning. Pogroms were at a stand still. To quote Vlad, "What happened to all of the food?! What happened to the Jews?! There's nothing to pillage here."
The rabbis declared, "If one does not have diabetes and back pain, we must check their Jewish roots." 
And so they checked. It turned out Malkie was Jewish. Unbeknownst to our sages, even people with Jewish ancestry could slim down if they didn't eat. It was all disheartening.

The Response to Diets
Something had to be done to bring Jews back to their divinely ordained weight. The rabbis realized that people walking during the week was inevitable. So, they focused more on Shabbat. The rabbis declared all shuls have what is known as Kiddish. This is also known as a Shabbat Kiddish luncheon in non-religious communities, as they eat less and are not as good of Jews. The Kiddish luncheon is where you eat lunch before lunch. Not being in the location of lunch, this added an extra hour of Shabbis eating. Done in standing formation for many years, in mid2004 many rabbis instituted the sit down Kiddish to slow down the metabolism. I'm sorry if the chronology is off a little. Give or take eight hundred years. It's somewhere within that time-frame that this all happened.
This was all confusing, as Kiddish is the blessing on wine. Why the rabbis couldn't come up with a different name for Kiddish, other than Kiddish, is still a discussion amongst our sages. Nonetheless, the rabbis found a way to get more hours of eating out of Shabbat. 
They did what they could to fight this summer diet plan and walking. But it was still not enough.

Simchas and Siyums
The weeks still came and the rabbis had no idea what to do. “What can we do once Shabbis is over? How do our people eat during the week?” That was how the question was asked. The question wasn't phrased, "What's the deal with food?" So, they made it a Mitzvah to eat at every happy occasion. Simchas was thus developed. Hy shouted, "It's a Simcha. So, we'll call it a Simcha." And that's how Simchas got their name.
One rabbi fought happiness with a prayer known as Tachnun. And then the rabbis made the Tachnun prayer of supplication real long. This mournful focus, and painful length of the prayer had people depressed and not eating. To quote Shlomo, "Why when Davening is longer, do we have a longer Tachnun? It makes no sense."
In response to the pain, the rabbis declared, "When there is a Simcha, one must not say Tachnun." Following this decree, Jews found a way to celebrate everything. A Bris, a wedding, a kid putting on Tefillin for the first time, the youngest in the family playing Abba Shel Shabbat at Hebrew school. They even celebrated learning. Anybody finishing learning something, they called it a Siyum, which required one to eat cake. The rabbis were not going to let Tachnun and the keto diet corrupt their people.
A Siyum party used to require one learn a Tractate of Gemara. But we needed more celebrations. So, the standard for Siyum was toned down. They said, learning a book of Mishna is enough. One guy learned about The Battle of Gettysburg. He called it a Simcha. They pulled out schnapps and Kichel, and had a Siyum. Celebrated it. Not one rabbi batted an eye.

The Siyum was an old tradition that the rabbis made a point of bringing back to the community by making learning more accessible with English translations. Artscroll was behind this. Back in Spain, in 1459, it got to the point where learning a chapter of Chumash was enough for a Siyum. The rabbis already knew back then, that only through Siyums could Jews get fatter while learning. They had Siyums every morning.
How the cake requirement became a thing is of much historical debate. Yet, all rabbis agree that the one who came up with that has a "place in heaven next to the Heavenly throne."

Fast Days and Mourning Periods
People thought to lose weight during the days leading up to Tisha BAv, by keeping Jews away from meat. But the people found a way around this with festive meals of mourning. Jews even started learning a lot of Torah, just so they could have a Siyum and eat meat. As it is written, "There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than a festive meal dedicated to the destruction of the Temple and not saying Tachnun." One could never outdo the joy of not saying Tachnun.
And then the rabbis declared, "One must enjoy Yahrzeits too." So, every shul required its members to bring schnapps and sponge cake to celebrate death.

Even with the celebratory meals of suffering, fast days were an issue for a few years until our leaders came up with the idea of a break-fast. Where you have to break the fast by eating. Then, the most celebrated rabbi, known as Rebbe, created what we know as The Seudah Mafseket, the meal of stopping, where you gorge before the fast. Using the Hebrew terminology "Seudah" made it a Halachik requirement. As Rebbe said it in Hebrew, no one could argue. It was in Hebrew, and thus held Halachik weight. Hence, canonized. Now, we eat a lot before and after a fast, to put on weight. Our rabbis of great knowledge and Ruach HaKodesh, divine spirit, found a way to ensure we get fat during fasts. 

People Kept Taking Off Weight
The rabbis saw people were still taking off weight. It might have been the summer heat. It might have been the loss of Raisel Chana's choolante recipe. Generations will never know.
The rabbis started telling people about this thing they have, known as a Neshama Yeteira. An extra Shabbat soul. A crafty move, they told people that the extra food on Shabbat goes to their extra soul. The people caught onto this when they realized that souls don't burn calories. Nonetheless, you can't argue with your rabbis, so everybody got fatter. And the Neshama Yeteira now stays all week.
For some reason, the Neshama Yeteira also puts on weight at Simchas and Siyums. I noticed my Neshama Yeteira getting fatter over Tisha BAv.
And when you're not eating on Shabbat, you must do an Oneg and delight in Shabbat by eating more on Shabbat. Which in Meah Shearim, translates as popcorn. And this ensures your Neshama Yeteira will at least add a pound a week. And the extra Shabbat soul has a very slow metabolism. 

Historical Lesson For All Jews
How Yom Kippur made it into the Torah is still a Halachik anomaly. 
How the Siyum is a Simcha, we still don't know. But it allows us to eat more during the Nine Days. And that's what matters.

With more and more people moving to Israel, the rabbis have done all they can to fight the Middle Eastern Diet. Just seeing the word diet has caused an uproar. And it was this Middle Eastern Diet that is the foundation of the Charedi community, and the refusal of the ultra-orthodox to join Tzahal.
And now, with all the necessary walking one needs to get around Jerusalem, our rabbis are trying to find ways to add whatever they can to pita. Thus, packing on more calories. They developed the falafel, forcing people to put their salad in bread. As Yankel said, "It's a start." Recently, they've developed the concept of Chipsim, where fries are made soggy enough to squish into the salad that's in the pita. And Yankel received his Olam Haba, world to come, in one moment.

And the number one way to keep one at the religiously ordained weight is still learning Torah and Halacha. To this day, when people learn Torah, it's always in a sitting position. No tradition has started to learn Torah on the bench press. 

Recently, the rabbis came out against "fat shaming" to help encourage proper Middot and that our people eat more.
And then the rabbis declared Kosher food most have a lot of salt.

The rabbis made sure that all Mitzvahs guarantee you will get fatter. 

In the beginning our people used to exercise. That was put to a stop real quick. Bereishit didn't start with this, but it would've if it wasn't written by Gd. 
Rivka noticed that Yaakov was getting too much movement. He was in shape. She wasn't sure what the Aveira was, but she knew her son was sinning. Her son was too healthy to be devout. Rivka saw this and said, "You go and learn Torah." And then Esav was out there hunting alone, and he got in real good shape. He was ripped. But you couldn't see his abs, because he was too hairy. They hadn't figured out the ultimate sculpted look back then.
Laws were thus created to not allow men to shave their bodies too much. But that is for a different time.

Our people were commanded to work the land, causing much problem. "If we have to work the land, how do we put on weight," was the question. And then came Shabbis. At least one day a week where the Jewish people would be able to put on weight. And there were Mitzvahs to eat a lot. One loaf of bread wasn't enough. We had to eat two, just to put on weight.

Times of The Beit HaMikdash
People were still losing weight. TV didn't exist yet. Paskesz hadn't come into existence yet. It was hard to create a system where people would get heavy. There was no way to express devoutness. NFL RedZone wasn't an activity in the Temple.
So, they came up with Kishka. Then they had choolante. The rabbis then said, "Put the Kishka in the choolante." They did all they could. How else can we slow down the metabolism? Schnapps. Schnapps works. So, the rabbis of The Great Assembly said, "You have to make Kiddish on wine or alcohol." I am not sure if that is an exact quote. Playing telephone over twenty-five hundred years can change some of the wording. I heard it from my brother-in-law. It's historically correct.
Years later, there was a responsa, "If you can't drink alcohol, it has to be a drink with sugar in it. To thus fulfil the commandment of putting on weight on Shabbat." And this is why Kedem tastes so good on ice. And to say the rabbis didn't have Ruach HaKodesh, the holy spirit.
The rabbis called this "delighting in Shabbat." Known as an Oneg Shabbat, they made it a commandment to enjoy Shabbat. And that could only be done through food. Rabbi Ephraim Ben Herkoman said a smile is a good way to delight. "Maybe people should greet each other and smile to bring joy to Shabbat." He was excommunicated for this dumb idea.
The Jewish people stood no chance. With Shabbat coming every week, one could not Halachikly be in shape. King David declared, "We shall not have an Esav amongst our people." Which is a statement hidden somewhere in Tehillim. I believe the poetic wording King David used for that is, "My eyes look to the mountains."

One rabbi asked, "Can't we delight with a walk?" He was excommunicated and then stoned to death. My brother-in-law reported that to me as well. The rabbis asked, "How do you eat while walking?" And thus, was created what is known as a Shpatzir. A Shabbat afternoon Shpatzir. Where you walk at a pace where you can still put on weight. Generally done with at least one hand behind the back, as arm movement makes walking an exercise.

Modern Times and Summer
By modern times, we are speaking of the last eighteen hundred years.
​
The summer heat seamed to work like a sauna. People in New York were taking off weight due to heat. So, the rabbis made it requirement to go to the Catskills for the summer, where there was a breeze. Another issue of modern times, our sages spent many years creating air-conditioning, so people wouldn't sweat in their homes. Thus, cancelling out the effects of the summer months. 
 
Fighting this summer heat, and natural weight loss, the rabbis realized they had to capitalize once again on Shabbat. They said, "You have a long day on Shabbat. All that is permitted is to eat and sleep." The day of Shabbat runs for fifteen hours, with Davening, one must eat for at least ten hours of eating on Saturday. The rabbis realized that one can't take off weight sitting at a Shabbat table for that long. Sleeping was allowed, as the rabbis consulted these people known as dieticians who told them, "If you eat and then do nothing, you will put on weight." And thus the rabbis created this idea known as "a day of rest." All the people went for this. Pinny led the people in a parade celebrating this idea of not having to show up to work. Which then led to all the Jews getting fired in New York.
Once again, even in the summer heat, the rabbis had found a way to help the people fulfil the Mitzvah of putting on weight. What else do you do with your Shabbis? Talk? While you're talking, what do you do? Eat. And thus, they made it a requirement to have three meals. Just in case people had thought the Shabbat morning to afternoon meal was over, they created the third Shabbat meal. Known as Seuda Shelishit, the Mitzvah here is to eat more. When asked, Rabbi Akiva said, "Eat more. That is a Mitzvah."
For many years, in the Gulag, Jews had a hard time keeping heavy. During those years, the rabbis discovered potatoes. And thus, potatoes made it into choolante.

The rabbis saw people in bathing suits and again asked, "How can we add to the Mitzvah of putting on weight on Shabbat during the summer months, when people might exercise by accident?" Hence, the rabbis came up with this idea of early Shabbat, where you bring in Shabbat early so you can start eating two hours earlier. Giving you a chance to eat for six hours on Friday night. 
And then they added the late night Oneg. Where after you eat for six hours, you delight by eating more.

Jews were putting on weight. But they could do more.
Shabbat was over. "What do we do Saturday night? There is no meal," asked Yanky, who lived during the Gaonic period. Rabbi Goldstein, another rabbi from the Gaonic period, responded, "After eating for fifteen hours on Shabbis you have to eat more. Are there any Mitzvahs that aren’t eating?! No. Exactly. As Rabbi Akiva taught us, 'Eat more.'" And thus, Rabbi Goldstein created the Melava Malka, where you escort the Shabbat Queen, who you escorted Friday night, by eating more on Saturday night too.
To this day we practice the Mitzvah of Melava Malka, just in case you didn’t eat enough on Shabbat. This is where you go to a pizza shop on Saturday night to fulfil the Mitzvah of eating more.

Historical Lesson for All Jews
And we thus have eight Shabbat meals. These include pre-Shabbat Gribbenes where you eat chicken fat to put on weight before Shabbat in preparation of putting on weight on Shabbat, first Shabbat meal, Oneg Shabbat, Shabbat Kiddish, Shabbat lunch which includes breakfast and dinner, Shabbat snack, Seudah Shelishit which is another meal that starts right after lunch, Melava Malka to button up Shabbat by putting on more weight.
How Shabbat snack worked its way in there is another miracle that came at the time of the Manna. 

You're going to get fatter. You have no chance against Shabbat and the rabbis. And then it's a requirement to have kids, to not allow you to get healthy sleep on the day of rest.

That is enough for today's lesson. Next time we shall discuss modern day issues of diets and how the rabbis created new laws to fight this pandemic. We shall also discuss the meal of Kiddish which is named after Kiddish, which makes it confusing.

Announcements
It’s tradition to not greet people on Tisha BAv. The Markowitz family is very good at that. They have not said Hi to anybody since they moved to Topeka.
 
Some have the tradition to do a Taanit Dibur on Tisha BAv, where they don’t talk at all, throughout the fast. The rabbi is asking that Bernie adopts this tradition. To quote: “We might witness Geulah, redemption, if Bernie doesn’t talk.”
 
Our community needs a Kosher restaurant. If anybody knows anybody that can cook, let them know the community will support them. Anybody who wants to run a place. The rabbi says he can care less if the guy is proHamas. We need a restaurant. "We have nothing else to offer, other than a committee meeting. And that only draws Jews who like to bother the rabbi."
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Celebrate Tisha BAv and Feel Pain By Dealing with Our Congregants. How to Lose Every Jews In Your Town by Not Having a Place to Eat in Your City with Examples Given By Jews Who Won't Support Anything That is More Expensive Than Costco. How to Keep Silent So the Rabbi Can Give a Class- Lessons from Tisha BAv for Bernie.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
So. You all hear you can’t go into Israel. You are all going to die in the desert, because you take the idea of really good fruit and ruin it. You see ripe grapes and all the sudden, the people are going to kill you?! I have no idea how that works. It's like seeing a decent pastry at Kiddish and saying you're going to die because of the rugulach... The Jews are not going to Israel because of rugulach... You didn't trust H' because the rugulach was too good. And you got H’ angry. I can see it. This is why none of you have gone to Israel the last couple years. Good rugulach... And so, H' tells the Jews in the desert, they are going to die there. 

(Devarim 1:41) All the sudden they’re telling Moshe, “We sinned to H’. We will go up and fight.” They even got all the weapons. Suited up all the gear. They hear they're going to die and all the sudden they're a bunch of heroes who trust Gd.
Like the time I said the trip to Water World is off. You all got in your bathing suits. All you did was offend the shul. You don’t wear bathing suits in the sanctuary...

(Devarim 1:42) H’ then says, “Don’t go, because I am not with you.” It makes no difference what you do. If H’ isn’t with you. You can't go prancing around a water park if H' isn't with you...
Like fools, they went without H'. Just like the board deciding on this renovating the sanctuary. Do you think they were having meetings about renovating the altar in the Beit Hamidash... No. Exactly. They even got beaten up by the Amorites. Who gets beaten by the Amorites?!!!

(Devarim 1:45) “Then you returned and wept before H’ and H’ didn’t listen to your voice...” At a certain point, forgiveness just isn’t there. You just can't hear it. At a certain point it gets annoying listening to your ideas of chandeliers in the sanctuary from people who are about to go swimming... I can hear you, Bernie…

(Devarim 1:39) The kids that knew nothing at the time of the spies, they will go to Israel. The kids at our day school. They know nothing. Absolutely nothing. They don't even know Hebrew... It's called the Hebrew Day School, Ruchel!... Even though they're not very smart, we don't take it out on them...
And Yehoshua and Calev. The ones who trusted in H’. Yes. They go to Israel. Because they didn't listen to the people. Listening to you ruins lives. We see what it did to the kids who actually listened in class. Their damaged...

You can’t mess up and expect everything to always be good. You’re the reason for Tisha BAv... H’ is not with us.
You haven’t messed up Tisha BAv. You are good with that. You have not listened to H’ and you have done a good job of keeping Galut going...

It’s tradition to not greet on Tisha BAv.
The Markowitz family is very good at Tisha BAv. Since they moved here, and not said Hello to anybody, they’ve been preparing for Tisha BAv. They are also very good Shiva house guests... They don’t say Shalom either.
They see the rabbi and understand he is mourning, dealing with this congregation...
You're not supposed to greet people when visiting a Shiva house. The Mullins come to Shiva Houses like it's a party. Like the guy is running for mayor...

You see Bernie, you are talking. Taanit Dibur. It means a fast of words...
I would even be fine with you eating. If you didn’t talk, I would say you could eat on Tisha BAv. I would even cover your dues...
Our congregants should start the no talking fast before Tisha BAv. It might help bring redemption if you all stopped talking. Let’s stop talking now. How about we stop talking during my sermon?!
So much messing up. You can't backtrack sometimes. You can't make things good when you lost H'. When you have to pay twenty-thousand dollars to send your kids to Jewish summer camp...

We need food... When it's not Tisha BAv, we need food.
We need a restaurant. People leave this town because they can't forgive this community for not having a Kosher place to eat. You can't backtrack on not having decent food... Chuck E. Cheese is not Kosher. Even if Jews eat there...
How do you expect people to respect our community when there is nowhere to eat?! There are no Kosher restaurants... It's pathetic when going out means you’re going to Nachum Schwartz's for dinner. And even if makes a decent casserole, his house is not a restaurant...
The pop-up thing Michel did is not a restaurant... You can call it a restaurant for a night in Michel's living room. But I know what it was. It was eating in the guy's living room. And they charged us. Ganavim...
You are not a respectable Frum community without a shop. A pizza shop. A falafel shop... It has to be a shop.
A shop where the owner is happy taking Jewish money. Jew haters are fine taking Jewish money.
Anti-Semites are fine. We don't need a Jew running the shop. The last guy with the Kosher sushi complained all the time... I was fine with that guy closing. Every time I went in, he had a complaint for me... I'm the customer. I'm supposed to be the one complaining. I’m not going out to eat to deal with a congregant.
I understand why he was always mad. He rightfully complained. He was dealing with our community...
I am not saying Jews are cheap. I am saying you guys are impossible to run a business for. You don't support anything. You price compared everything with Kroger... Restaurants can charge more than a supermarket. The food preparation part costs. This is why the Jews were stuck in the desert. No support. Wanted everything handed to them. Like a free slice of pizza...

(Devarim 1:45) Moshe praises Israel for repenting, acknowledging their sin. But H’ had taken an oath already (Bamidbar 12:21-23). He wasn't going to change that.
Sometimes it's too late and we have to take the punishment. Repentance doesn't change things. It doesn't make for a better sanctuary with chandeliers or less complaining from every single one of you. Teshuva isn't going to get you a better deal on Jewish summer camp.
Whatever our punishment for not having decent food. Having a messed up a community. Having this Markowitz family that doesn’t say Hi. Having to listen to people even when we have a Taanit Dibur. At least repent. You may not be forgiven. But do Teshuva. The Jews that went with the spies didn’t see Israel. But at least they did their part in Teshuva.
Your children have hope... Because they're not you. And you paid twenty-thousand dollars to send them to camp. Even if you don’t see the Bait HaMikdash, your children might.

What we learn from our ancestors is Teshuva. You repent even things may not change... And we’re still not going to Water World. I saw you all in your bathing suits. Some things are not to be forgiven... Seeing you... You can't backtrack kids coming to shul and having to see the bathing suit debacle.
Let's not take it out on the kids that are spaced out and don't listen... They shouldn't go to the water park either, because they don't follow rules. That's dangerous...

Rivka's Rundown
It was horrific. I believe we need to wait till a healthier generation comes, to go back to Water World.

Everybody was truly happy the rabbi brought up the cost of Jewish summer camp. They felt like he was speaking out for them. The rabbi was just complaining about how much it costed him. Either way, it turns out that Jewish summer camps are the cause for Galut.

The rabbi has been going off on the Markowitzs the past couple weeks. I think he now appreciates the fact they don’t say Hi and he doesn’t have to talk to them. He wants more congregants that ignore him

The rabbi pushing for the Taanit Dibur had a few not talking at Kiddish. They at least made it a point to not go over to the rabbi. I believe they got the message. The rabbi thanked everybody for helping make his Tisha BAv a meaningful one, by staying away from him. He said that was his best Kiddish ever. He sat and ate herring, and nobody disturbed him. He just focused on balancing herring on the Kichel. As he says, "It has taken years to master this. I need to focus."
He didn’t have to give any advice. And four divorces happened this week. I believe it was because they didn't ask the rabbi for guidance. The rabbi usually advises them on how annoying they both are, and that they both have no chance of meeting anybody else, and they stay married.
The rabbi said he had nothing to do with the divorces, as he was enjoying the herring. We have the only rabbi that feels that divorce helps with redemption of our people. To quote, “I am fine with the divorces. As long as they don't bother me. I understand why nobody wants to be married to our congregants.”

The sushi owner complained because the community didn’t support his business. They said they wanted the place, but never ate there. It was the restaurant they "didn't go to." They thought as religious Jews there was a place they should go to. They didn't realize that joke was about shuls.
I think community support means coming in once every half year to buy the cheapest thing on the menu and to check it comes with a lot. And then to tell the owner how they can do it better.
The no kosher restaurant is a topic of conversation. It’s pathetic. The only town where Jews think it’s good to be a Jew with nowhere to eat. People visit and ask what Jews do. The answer, “We eat at home.” That’s how Jews go out. They eat at home. And the visitors want to know how we are all so heavy.
The rabbi was adamant about the shop. It has to be a shop. Restaurants should be shops.
The rabbi ended up getting a Hamas guy. He was fine. He said the guy is not in Israel, he can make good falafel. The Hamas guy scared everybody. He even put up a sign, “Our falafel is the bomb.” That scared the Jewish community. Great sense of humor. He uses Humus and Hamas interchangeably. "I put Hamas on your pita? HaHaHa."
Turns out the Hamas guy is a regular American college student. He started hating Jews a couple years ago, when he didn't have Donald Trump to protest anymore.
We got rid of the last caterer at our synagogue because he was a KKK member. The rabbi regrets that to this day. He said, "The best thing that can happen to the shul is to have more people that hate our members, other than me."

We truly lose people because of this restaurant thing. They travel to other cities to eat out and then they stay there. They stay in the restaurant. They rent beds in the restaurant. They get very excited when they see what possibilities are out there. Anything other than Topeka is exciting. Anything outside of Topeka, even a shop.

The keeping silent class was not successful. I've never seen so many questions thrown at the rabbi in one class. The rabbi thought his subtle message of not talking during the class would come out in the name "How to Keep Silent So the Rabbi Can Give a Class."

The Feast - Gittin 55b-56a
The Gemara says Yerushalayim was destroyed on account of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Everybody likes to throw the blame on somebody else. Many said it was Bernie's fault. Bernie didn't like that. So, he threw the destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash on the Kamtzas. Those guys got blamed for everything. They even got blamed for the prune juice cistern fiasco prank of 36CE. 

This guy was having a large feast. He had a friend named Kamtza and an enemy named Bar Kamtza. Very confusing. It would've been much better if they had last names in those days. It's hard to remember last names like "Guy I Can't Stand." He didn't want Bar Kamtza Guy I Can't Stand at the party. Very long.
The host made a large feast and said to his servant: "Go. Bring me my friend Kamtza." The servant went and mistakenly brought him his enemy Bar Kamtza. 
He mumbled a lot. His servant was always getting things wrong because his boss never enunciated right. The servant was getting groceries... He once brought back carobs for dinner because his boss couldn’t open his mouth and enunciate “cabbage." Next thing you know, they're eating carob salad, choking on pits. The servant is getting reprimanded, "What can you cook with carobs? Idiot."
He should've known not to invite the enemy. But he thought his boss liked having over people he hated. Bar Kamtza had a way of ruining dinner parties. He did this really bad juggling act.

The host found Bar Kamtza sitting at the feast. The host said to Bar Kamtza, "You are my enemy. What then do you want here? Get out." This was the first time Bar Kamtza had ever received an invitation to come to a party to leave. And it was a fancy invitation too. The paper was rolled. Not even folded. And with a ribbon. He didn't read the invitation which said, "Please get out."
For a moment, the host thought Kamtza took off some weight. But then he noticed the juggling act and wanted Bar Kamtza out.
Bar Kamtza said to him, "Since I have already come, let me stay and I will give you money for whatever I eat and drink. Just do not embarrass me by sending me out." Apparently, being kicked out of a party was embarrassing two-thousand years ago too. Some things don't change, including bad juggling acts. The host said, "No, you must leave." Bar Kamtza suggested that he would give money for half of the feast. What kind of negotiation is that? The host insisted he leave. Bar Kamtza then said, "I will give you money for the entire feast, just let me stay." The host said, "No, you must leave." The host wanted him to pay for the dinner and a fully paid round trip vacation to Spain. He loved Barcelona. Great massages.
Finally, the host took Bar Kamtza by his hand, stood him up, and took him out. In front of everybody. Bar Kamtza was not good at getting hints, such as, "You must leave." Does that mean now? Does that mean when the party is over? Does that mean I can't sleep here?

The Aftermath of the Feast- Gittin 56a
After getting thrown out, Bar Kamtza said to himself, "Since the Sages were sitting there and didn't protest the host, though they saw how he humiliated me, I learn from it that they were content with what he did. I will therefore go and inform against them to the king." How he learned from the interaction to inform is because he was a good student. Many others wouldn't have learned that part from the sages. He said this to himself. He didn't start announcing, "I'm going to get you all exiled from Israel for two-thousand years because I got kicked out." Truth be told, he showed up to the party without a dish. Everybody knows, you show up to a party in Judea you bring some Baklava.
So he plots and tells the emperor that that the Jews have rebelled against him, and he can prove it by having the Romans send an offering and seeing if the Jews sacrifice it. The sacrificial plot. An ancient con move of trickery. Almost as successful as the Canaanite river hut plot. A well known con back in the year 2100BCE. 
On the way to the Temple Bar Kamtza made a blemish on the calf’s upper lip or eyelids. There are differing opinions as to what he blemished. Which caused more argument amongst Jews. Which led to more fights in the Beit Midrash. Oh. How we bring Galut.
Well. The blemish forbade it from being a sacrifice, and Bar Kamtza ruined a decent dinner. Again.

Even with the blemish the Sages thought to sacrifice the animal to maintain peace with the government. Gd or lower taxes?!
Rabbi Zecharya ben Avkolas said to them, "If the priests do that, people will say that blemished animals may be sacrificed as offerings on the altar." Always the by the books kind of guy. He was the worst accountant. Which is why he became a rabbi. He couldn't hold one customer. People always found themselves paying more and never getting a tax break.
The Sages thought to kill him so that he would not go and speak against them to the emperor. Some were thinking to kill Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes who had an issue with random murder.
Rabbi Zecharya said to them: If you kill him, people will say that one who makes a blemish on sacrificial animals is to be killed. The priests were all for it. To quote Brian the Low Priest, "That would've saved us a lot of time. I'm sick of checking."

They did nothing, and Bar bar Kamtza’s slander was accepted by the authorities, and consequently there was war with the Romans began. The Romans didn't know the laws of Lashon Hara. That you're not supposed to listen to slander. If they would've learned Hilchot Lashon Hara, we wouldn't be here now. Now would we. 
Rabbi Yohanan says: "The excessive humility of Rabbi Zekharya ben Avkolas destroyed our Temple, burned our Sanctuary, and exiled us from our land." And he finally got Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes, back for not sharing his notes on the science quiz in eleventh grade.
 
The Conclusion- Gittin 57a
The Gemara cites a Braita. Rabbi Elazar says, "Come and see how great is the power of shame, for Gd assisted Bar Kamtza, who had been humiliated, and due to this humiliation and shame God destroyed God's Temple and burned God's Sanctuary." You get Gd mad and He destroys His stuff. 
Humiliation and shame is what destroyed our people. Which is why we have to stop playing football. Our people are not good at football. It's embarrassing.
Bar Kamtza's embarrassment is the reason for the destruction we go with. It helps kids get along better. It also helps them understand better why they're at summer camp in America. Suffering the Catskills, playing basketball and football. Having to go to the canteen.

Lessons of What Followed
Even after all of this story, I didn't get an invite to my friend's birthday party.

The real reason for the destruction of the Temple is the host never enunciated. This is what I tell the kids. And I do believe it was my nephew's Bar Mitzvah speech that keeps us in Galut.

Kamtza heard about himself in the story and he was mad that he got blamed for the destruction of the Temple. To quote, "I had nothing to do with it. That idiot didn't invite me to his party." The host, "his friend," claimed he made a mistake and threw the blame on his servant. Very like the host.
Kamtza continued by getting mad at his parents, "I told you not to name me Kamtza. That's my friend's dad's name."
You think Bar Kamtza was mad. Kamtza ended up letting his dog pooh on his friend's lawn and he left it.
It was at that moment, last names were created. I believe "Guy I Can't Stand" has been shortened to Goldstein. In some communities it's been modernized as Rosenbaum, Felstein, and Schwartz. 

People are still arguing. This continued destruction we still live with today is because of humiliation, Rabbi Zecharya's humility, Romans not knowing the detailed laws of Lashon Hara, or not enunciating "cabbage" correctly. Whatever the reason, Rabbi Yochanan is going to blame Rabbi Zecharya. As Rabbi Yochanan later said, “I always liked him more with one shoe.”

Many now ask why this is the paramount story of Tisha BAv. Let me explain. Death and destruction are more inspirational. Inspiration used to come in the form of a nice sermon by Ezekiel. But Gd realized that exile and pogroms does a better job of getting people to think about being nice.

Edmond took the lesson to heart. To quote my buddy Edmond, who wouldn't stop talking in Shul on Tisha BAv, when I was trying to focus on lamentations: "I can't believe I'm starving today, because some guy got offended at a dinner party two-thousand years ago."

***I am not sure if I relayed the story with the exact Pshat of the Gemara. Maybe check out Gittin 56a-57a.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the Siddur holders at shul and people who love Israel, while supporting the idea of Jews not being happy with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new diet technique of using a spoon that is too small to hold food.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the shul trying to raise money, and Shwarma made by Yashki, while waking people who are trying to sleep at Costco with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his concern about people getting too excited, burning themselves, instead of waiting for sunflower seeds.

Announcements
The Mishloach Manot this year was pathetic. On behalf of the shul membership, we ask that nobody gives gift packages till next Purim. To quote Bernie, “I have enough junk left over from Halloween. I don’t need more bite size Snickers. I don’t take Snickers that have only one letter. I only take Snickers that has the full word on it.”
 
We ask that all Kaddish people go to the Bima to say Kaddish together, so that Simmy doesn’t mess it up for everybody again, saying it off beat and making the mourners mad.
We apologize to all the mourners on behalf of Simmy, for making your loss very not enjoyable.
 
Everybody should have enough food to eat at home after the shul’s Purim meal. As it is a community meal, there will not be enough...
People were asking if it was a holiday party. We did have a bouncy house. Hence, it was a holiday.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: The Requirement of a Bouncy House at All Shul Events According to the Torah. How to Make Mourners Mad with Kaddish and Mishloach Manot. How to Ensure Nobody Gets a Full Serving at a Purim Party.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It was after the Golden Calf. There was a plague and the Leviim killing people... The Leviim in our shul couldn’t kill a fly. The most they would do is wash a fly’s hands... Should we have destroyed the bouncy house? Probably. It’s what the children in our shul seem to pray to. The Levites should’ve taken a knife to it and deflated it. Hence, killing it...

(Shemot 33:13) Moshe pleads to know Gd’s ways. I just want to understand why the board makes such dumb decisions. Why a Purim party consists of no Hamentashen... It’s Purim. Why do we have Danish? What did the Danish do to our people that we should be eating their ears?!!!

(Shemot 33:15) Moshe says to H’, “If your presence doesn’t go (with us), do not bring us up from here.” And we have not seen Gd’s presence in Topeka. And thus, with this congregation, I am stuck not moving from Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You wouldn't remember if you saw Gd's presence last night. You were drunk.

We need Gd’s presence to move ahead. To move out of Topeka. We don’t depend on a bouncy house when we don’t see Gd. Where is Gd's presence in Danish? And there are more questions about our board...

I heard kids complaining about their Halloween food... There shouldn't be Halloween food. It's a Jewish holiday. There should be Christmas food. Leftovers from Christmas is fine, as Jews buy that after Christmas, when it's on sale.
You don't have kids seeing Gd's presence when there is a ghost on their licorice. You don't end up knowing Gd's ways through a skeleton on your lawn... Even if it's made out of plastic.
It's about knowing Gd's ways. Moshe's plea is what we strive for, and why we follow laws. It's why I stay away from board meetings...

And then you put the disgusting leftover candy in the donation basket. Even the poor people didn’t like it... Nobody wanted leftover poppy seed... Even if it's in Hamentash form.
Your Mishloach Manot made people not want to be Jewish. And now we have to find a way to get rid of it before Pesach...

Simmy. Your Kaddish was off. You ruined everybody's mourning... Your father would’ve never wanted you to get every mourner in shul frustrated. H' wants happy mourners... It was two beats off. You don’t canon Kaddish.
I believe that Phil was more angry about this Kaddish than his wife passing away... And then the mourners are still getting over Shiva and how the community stopped bringing them food after they got up from Shiva.
Where is Gd’s Presence if there is no food...

Leftovers at a meal are necessary. Leftover Halloween candy that you can't even throw at a Bar Mitzvah kid is not wanted... You don't throw chocolate with bunny rabbits at a Bar Mitzvah either.
It's about cooking a lot. That is Gd's way when it comes to food. That is what makes a Jewish holiday...
You guys never cook enough. I always need to eat leftovers at home. That is not Gd's way. Gd likes brisket. A lot of it. Is there Gd's presence where there is no brisket?... This was not a Seudah. It was a Purim snack. If you call it a meal, make sure it’s a meal. If there aren’t leftovers, there wasn’t enough. And H's presence is not felt.

At least we have leftover Purim Danish... Because nobody ate it, Bernie. They didn't like it. It's not Hamentashen. It's Danishtashen. Because somehow the Danish wanted to hang Mordechai...

Rivka's Rundown
Yeah. Why do I pay for the shul meals when I have to cook a meal for the shul meal?!

The rabbi is so correct. Where there is no food, there is no Gd's presence. And then idol worship happens. It's because of poppy seed Hamentashen.
I got the worst packages. Halloween leftovers. It took me thirteen Mishloach Manot to finally realize people were giving me Snickers.
I don’t like the Hershkovitzs anymore. Chutzpah to give a Mishloach Manot in a grocery bag. That much junk! And then with a smilie face on it. Chutzpah. Like they're rubbing it in that their house is now clean. Next year, I'm dumping everything I don't want in their Mishloach Manot. If I have a tin that's questionable recycle, I'm putting it on them. Let them figure it out. They're also getting open bags of licorice. The stale ones.

Shul right after the Purim Seudah is not the greatest idea. It turns out they Daven slower when they're drunk. My husband didn't make it home till 11pm due to a very long LCha Dodi Nay Nay Nay extension.

The children's connection to shul and Gd is a bouncy house. That is their temple.
I was against the bouncy shul when the board proposed it. However, I do feel it would bring a lot more youth to our congregation.

It was Hamentashen. It’s just that the local bakery makes Hamentashen with their Danish recipe. Between us, it's a scam. You think you're getting Hamentashen, and then you're getting a triangle blueberry Danish. And that's supposed to be Jewish.

After the Hershkovitzs gave us that mound of trash, we were not happy. We took it out on the rest of the community. We made a Bar Mitzvah candy stoning pile and started throwing it at whoever showed up at our door and gave us Mishloach Manot.
Hopefully, next Purim we will have no friends. Who needs friends when you can't even tell if it's a Snickers bar. A whole grocery bag and we thought it was a Mars bar the whole time.

The Kaddish is truly off. I don’t even know when to say Amen. And then to see the angry looks. Phil even said, “My wife died for this?!”

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about healthy food that he puts on weight from, because he eats way too much of it, and not arresting Chabad youth who feel it's important to pray, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his support of Israel through nail salons while stealing pens and expos.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about haberdasheries exchanging money, people helping the Israeli soldiers with food and the open airiness of dried fruit in the shuk, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his money saving techniques of not paying for stuff he is buying.

You asked me about the celebration of Tu BShvat and thus I shall answer. If you're not a Frum Jew, you should celebrate Tu BShvat and find joy in nature. If you're a Frum Jew, learn Torah to celebrate nature. Tu BShvat is the New Year of Trees, and thus a Jew must celebrate. And thus a Jew must find joy. And thus a Jew eats stuff.
Here are things you must do to bring joy to the New Year of Trees.

No Tachanun is Said on Tu BShvat
The Shulchan Aruch (131:6) teaches that we don't say the Tachanun prayer on Tu BShvat because of the joy of trees that we as people connect to. Not reciting Tachanun is the greatest joy you can give a Jew. To quote the Pasuk (Devarim 20:19), "For man is like the tree of the field." Trees also don't say Tachnun.
The joy of getting out of shul a minute early is one of elation. Imagine how much joy a Frum Jew would get out of another ten minutes of not being in shul. For this reason, many of adopted the Tu BShvat tradition of showing up to shul late. Many very religious Jews sleep through Davening. They make it a point of not going to shul after Tu BShvat as well. That is how committed they are to the requirement of Tu BShvat joy.

Eat Dried Fruit
Man is like a tree, and hence the joy. Trees are very joyful. That is the message of Tu BShvat. Like a tree bears fruit, so too man eats it. Taking is the natural way of relationships, we take from the tree. And give the tree nothing. Just like family. Again, the holiday is about meaning.
And like old dried fruit, old people wither and become shriveled. Sometimes, when fruit comes out of a pool, it also shrivels. Thus, we eat dried dates and apricots, which look like old people. Apricots are preferred because they look like old people with a really bad spray tan.
To truly enjoy Tu BShvat, climb people. It brings an element of fun to the holiday.

Sulfor Dioxide
Sulfor dioxide is an important part of the Tu BShvat food, allowing it to stay in you. You want the holiday to last. And SO2 ensures that.
Sulfur dioxide is also an important part of the Israeli diet, along with people's hands reaching into the nuts that I'm about to purchase.

Why Nuts
It's tradition to eat nuts on Tu BShvat. I heard they come from trees. I'll go with it.
Almonds in Israel are just amazing. Hence, we eat them. Tradition. I don't know if that is in the Shulchan Aruch.

The Tu Bshvat Seder Brings Joy
Pesach isn't the only Seder. People also like to drink wine on Tu BShvat. Hence the Seder, to justify being a lush around religious people.
Keep the Seder quick. If it is long, people will start to get flashbacks to Tachnun. Also keep in mind the fruit and almonds. A long Seder will ruin the joy, as the dried fruit starts to settle and causes heartburn. Once Shilshul sets in, the joy of the Seder is over.

Tradition of Puns
Fruit puns are amazing. Almost as amazing as almonds. The date joke is just too good to resist. Date puns about dates are amazing fun. Turn to a single person and say, "Here is a date, so you can get a date." Always brings joy and laughs.
The puns remind us of the Simanim on Rosh Hashana. With all the Rosh Hashana fruit puns, I feel like the New Year is another New Year for trees, celebrating puns twice. Wait, another fruit pun... "What do you call an ant that wants their whole family to be at the wedding? A cantaloupe!" Just came up with that one. You get it? Antelope. This one can't. Hence, cantaloupe, which is a fruit. The ant can't elope. It's a religious ant. Just adding more joy to the Tu BShvat Seder.
Nuts also make for great puns. Such as, "You're a nut." That pun can go on for a good half hour of laughs at the Seder.
Puns bring Tu BShvat joy to fathers who come up with them, and people who can't find joy in monologues.

I hope all of this helps bring joy to your Tu BShvat, as you now understand the importance of dried fruit and nuts for Jewish celebration. Joy is found in eating. We have tried finding joy outside of food for millennia. Nothing works, other than food, dried fruit puns, skipping prayers and climbing people. Joy has yet to be found in one's children. Nachis is a farce. And remember, nothing brings more joy than going to the Shuk taking dried fruit, and not paying for it.

Let us speak of the fast days, also known as the days of projected hunger.
Last time we discussed gorging before and after the fast. There is more to fast day survival than eating as much as you can. Though, that is what the rabbis had in mind when instituting the fast days for the destruction of Jerusalem. It’s amazing how you can still be hungry when you’ve eaten twelve pounds of whitefish. 
Today, Asarah BTevet, when the siege of Jerusalem by the Babylonians began, it's important we focus on sleeping, just as many of the soldiers were doing at that time. I'm just here to help.

Sleep Through The Fast Day Method
I don’t know what you are trying to achieve. During the fast, I am hoping to achieve survival. And that means not going hungry. The best way to do that is to sleep. We learn this from bears who make it through the winter, refreshed and unscathed. Hence, use the day to sleep to connect with the Destruction of the Temple. The Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting is known by many as the Reason I Lost My Job Method. Thank Gd, I have a new job.
You can still go to shul. You wake up at 7am, go to shul and mourn a little, home by 8:15am, sleep until 4:15pm and then it’s time to eat. Please be aware that the Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting can be very dangerous if applied elsewhere. If you practice this every day, you will definitely lose your job. Based on first hand experience. You will also lose your home. You will lose your family.
Issues with the Sleep Through the Day Method are that your spouse may ask you to take out the trash. They may even have the Chutzpah to ask you to help with the kids. Make it clear, you're fasting for holy reasons and you have to sleep to focus on the siege.
 
Focus of The Day
On a fast day, you must focus on what's important. And that is to figure out when the fast is over, so you can eat. Nonetheless, as you fast, sleep is paramount.
The goal of most fast days is to have you thinking about the community's sins and your own. You’re better off sleeping through that. The community has bothered you enough. You don’t want to be asked to join another committee. If you think the Kiddush committee meets too often, imagine how many meetings you will have to attend for the rebuilding of the Temple.
One of the major reasons for the destruction of the Second Temple is baseless hatred, which comes along with speaking bad about others, known as Lashon Hara. If you're sleeping, there is no way you will be speaking any slander. The people who were sleeping while the destruction was happening were not the reason for the siege of Jerusalem.
If you talk in your sleep, on the other hand, you may be the reason why we have not witnessed the rebuilding of the Temple.

How To Sleep Through The Fast
It's not easy to sleep another eight hours. You must be resilient. Not everything in life comes easy. You need drive. Push yourself.
Being the Tenth of Tevet is a daytime only fast, I say you stay up all night watching action flicks, such as Bloodsport. Entertaining, yet bloody, to remind you of the fighting the Jews had to do. A holy movie to say the least.
Daytime TV is hard to work with for any decent fast day entertainment.
If you're having trouble falling asleep daytime TV can help with that. Play some Kelly Ripa and you'll be inspire you to go back to bed.
Definitely do not get caught thinking about why the Temples were destroyed. That will keep you up all day. Next thing you know, you will start repenting and you've lost a good day's sleep. Not how you want to spend the fast.

Next time we will focus on other methods to make it through the fast, such as the Plan Your Sickness so You Can Eat According to the Rabbis and the IV Method for making it through the days of projected hunger.

For many years the new generation of the Wise Men of Chlem have lit the Chanukah Menorah, known as a Chanukiah or candelabrum for those who like tiny candles, but they never knew why. They were fine with that, until now.
To make Chanukah more meaningful, they had a committee meeting without the rabbi. After much discussion about different types of meditation, they decided it was impossible to make the holiday more meaningful. To quote Sadie, “If we don’t close our eyes and meditate, it’s not meaningful.”

Yankel Shares His Idea
Known to cause problems, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha always makes everybody say his full name. Yankel told everybody, “I learned at Yeshiva that you're commanded to publicize the miracle of Chanukah. This is why we light.”
Berel the Gabai, one to never allow for heresy, jumped in, “You fool. This is how you make of meaning. I learned in Yeshiva too, and our rabbis taught us that we must light the Chanukiah. He knows from nothing.” The Wise Men cheered at the brilliance of their Gabai and his argument against Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha. Fayge, captivated by her Gabai, reinforced, “Our Gabai is so wise. How he makes such sense of the rabbis’ laws!!! Now we have meaning.”
After a bit more debate, they decided that they should light the Chanukiah on Chanukah. To quote Felvel, "The Gabai is correct. We light the Chanukiah on Chanukah."

Yankel Still Makes a Stink
Bothered by this idea of publicizing the miracle, Yankel exclaimed, "All Berel says is true. But we should still publicize the miracle." "What miracle?" Rivka Bayla asked. Yankel restated, "The miracle of Chanukah."
To humor Yankel, they decided they must find a Chanukah miracle. A Chanukah miracle they could show to people when they're walking home from work, as Yankel insisted it had to be publicized when people are coming home from work. To quote Felvel, "As if they need to be bothered after a full day's work."
 
What is the Miracle of Chanukah That We are Publicizing?
The Wise Men and Women of Chelm searched and searched for a miracle. They needed to find the miracle of Chanukah, for they wanted to know what to share with the public.
Lazer, the head of the youth group let them know, “Last Chanukah I got an amazing gift. I received a hoverboard.” A silence never heard before was disrupted with a gasp of awe. “Miracles do happen. Hoverboards are awesome,” Chaya Tova replied. Even Duvidel was in awe, as he received a pair of socks last year that his Bubbie knitted for him, and they did not stay up. As Duvidel showed his socks gathered at his ankles, he gleefully shared his joy in Lazer’s hoverboard, “People can receive gifts they like.” He continued to share his newfound hope, “I can use some wireless JBL earbuds.” To which nobody cared.
 
Displaying the Hoverboard
They decided to put Lazer’s hoverboard on display in the window, when people were walking home from work. But nobody saw the hoverboard, as they all worked from home.
The next day, Duvidel shared his concept, “We can buy all of the children hoverboards and they will see the miracle of Chanukah.” Menachem interceded, to keep the group in line and focused on what was really important. And that is saving money. “Who can afford hoverboards? I can’t even buy one for my kids. Not everybody is as wealthy as the Shwartzawitzs. They even have a flats screen TV.” Bayla, not a fan of Schwartzawits either, added, “If the Shwartzawitzs paid their dues, that would be a miracle.” To which everybody laughed and wished they had a hoverboard.
 
More Chanukah Miracles That Are Easier To Share
Chaya Tova recounted yet another miracle, “We didn’t have to go to school today. It’s a snow day. A Chanukah miracle.”
And the miracles of Chanukah kept flowing. “The Latkes last year were out of this world. Crunchy, yet beautifully moist on the inside,” Rivka let them all know. “We must let all know. This is a miracle,” responded Menachem, with a joy that could be felt by all who love potatoes that are fried.
The kid with the disease they all prayed for, who recovered and was back in school, was not mentioned. They didn’t want to publicize chicken pox.
Oily food was a miracle. The snow day was a huge miracle. But none could outdo the miracle of Lazer’s hoverboard and socks that did not fall because they were not made by Bubbie.
 
How Do We Publicize This Joyous Chanukah Miracle of a Hoverboard?
The Wise Men and Women of Chelm decided it's time to publicize the true miracles of Chanukah correctly. Ads in the newspaper were too expensive. There was supply and demand and only a group of eight people read the newspaper. Even so, the Wise Men and Women were not deterred from their goal. “We must find a way to advertise the miracle of Chanukah!”
Taking initiative, as he does, Duvidel arose with fervor and took to the streets with his megaphone. All the people of Chelm were in shock. They don’t understand Yiddish. “What’s he screaming?” the people asked. He reverted to English. For English is what they speak in Poland nowadays.
The rest of the Wise Men and Women at the meeting were inspired, as they followed with megaphones they had amassed in the shul’s food collection bin for the hungry. Cheers were heard all over the streets, “Lazer received a hoverboard.” One fine scholar came to his door, for he heard the cheers of the Wise Men and Women and thought the shul had just received a new Torah scroll. How happy he was to hear that it was Lazer’s hoverboard. He didn’t want to have to go out in this weather to follow a Torah.
After hours of cheering for Lazer, none of the townsfolk came out to join the parade of Lazer’s hoverboard. There was three feet of snow and nobody had shoveled their walkway. The only way to share the miracle without taking out an ad was through the window. So, to celebrate the holiday correctly, they decided to light Lazer's hoverboard. And that miracle only lasted one night.

Epilogue
And Berel, the Gabai, let Yankel and all the committee know, “That is why we light the candles on Chanukah.” “Exactly,” Said Fayge. “Do you want to pay for hoverboards for all the kids of Chelm, Yankel?... You see? This is why we light candles. It's too expensive to buy eight hoverboards.”
And Yankel preached in protest, “We light because the one jar of oil lasted eight days. It should’ve only lasted one.” Berel the Gabai responded to this ignorance one last time, “This fool still doesn’t understand. We light eight, because there are eight nights of Chanukah.”
On the eighth night, the Wise Men and Women, along with their community, lit their Chanukah Menorahs with the nine candles, including the Shamish candle, to remind them of the Menorah in the Temple that had seven lamps because of the eight nights of Chanukah.
 
Extra Notes on Chanukah
The kids didn’t go to school, but they did learn that on Chanukah a great miracle of amazing Latkes and hoverboards took place. So, they lit the Chanukiah for those Latkes. And they lit their hoverboards and their parents grounded them for Chanukah.
Duvidel never received earbuds or a hoverboard. However, hoverboard sales in Chelm went up. Duvidel blamed his Bubbie, who took up knitting a few years back.
Lazer never road his hoverboard again, as it was too dangerous and banned from use in Chelm. Lighting the hoverboard was not looked upon favorably by the law.
That Chanukah the whole community was able to see the Schwartzawitzs’ huge flats screen TV, as the Schwartzawitzs’ publicized their new 120-inch television. The Wise Men and Women knocked on the Schwartzawitzs’ door and asked them to pay their dues. And they did. The miracle of Chanukah was complete.
Some people burned Latkes and they said, “This crunch is even a greater miracle.” Discussions continued as to whether the Latke miracle was true, or if it was Tater Tots.
Yankel lit his Chanukiah in his window and all tried to figure out what he was trying to prove. To quote Fayge, “This guy never stops.”

Announcements
Mazel Tov to the Kornbluth family on the worst Bris. No onions were provided. Nobody enjoyed the bagels. From now on, anybody who hosts a Simcha with bagels must provide onions. The rabbi had to take the Mohel back to his place to cut up some onions. Mohels should not be cutting onions... Tomatoes are optional. Lox may be served without tomatoes.

We are very proud of our shul programming. We have another speaker coming next week. We ask that people stop trying to be creative and we stick to speakers. There’s no reason for a games night if you don’t have a speaker at it. Our programming focus is speakers.

Bingo lost money again. We’re the only shul who loses money at Bingo. We ask the volunteers sell the snacks, and not eat them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Not Bless Your Son by Not Providing Onions for the Lox. How to Ruin a Program with a Speech. How to Make Money off Bingo and Not Report it Like The Pintzkowitzs.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The angels come to destroy Sedom and the Sedomites want to "know them"... This is why I was very skeptical when Merv and Ethel invited us over for dinner when I first started as rabbi...
We’ve all been there. Lot offers his daughters. That’s how messed up Lot's family was. Imagine the Hershblooms. They were even worse than the Hershblooms...

(Bereishit 19:13) The angels tell Lot to get out of Sedom with his family. ‘For we are destroying this place, for their outcry (their screams) have become great before H’...’ What is the outcry? They were out of control. Were they loving it? Were they not? It’s hard to tell the difference between partying and crying when it’s immoral. When you have a shul that has no idea how to run a Bingo night...

When you hear screaming coming from junior congregation, you have no idea what it means. Is it that they're playing paper football, or is Shayna's hair getting pulled out again... Your son is an animal, Baruch. I don't know what you do at home, but I am sure stuff is getting destroyed.

His son-in-law mocks it. (Bereishit 19:14) ‘He was like a a guy making jokes in the eyes of his son-in-law.’ No. I’m not making jokes now, Bernie.
His son-in-law influenced by Sedeom. He couldn’t see the evil. Kind of like the same way the congregants are influenced by the board... They have no idea what Torah is. Ethel. They think it's a corporation...

There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox.
You don't serve lox without onions. Who eats lox without onions?... Of course you need cream cheese and lox. But it means nothing without onions.
And no eggs???
It was a bagel nightmare... And what do tomatoes do? Exactly. Nothing. Onions. Always have onions... Not whole onions. You don’t put a whole onion on a bagel. Got to cut them...

When you’re around poor Kiddishes and a town that doesn’t have a decent caterer, you forget. You think that is normal. You want to scream at the immorality...
Now you’re bringing up cream cheese again??? Is that even a question. What? Are you going to put butter on the bagel with lox?!

The board decided on speakers. They’ve decided that people like to listen to people speak... Excuse me Bernie. I’m speaking right now...
You have no idea what Victor from Israel talked about. He was a speaker. He didn't talk... The whole time Victor was focused on the meet and greet and how there were bagels and lox, but no onions.
It’s like you want to scream. You want to scream when you don’t get onions.  When you have to listen to another speaker, you want to scream. You want to scream when you’re the only shul that can’t make profit on Bingo....

Who loses money at Bingo... Then stop eating the snacks. Sell them.
I don't know if people are screaming because they won, or because they lost 12 thousand dollars. And now they can't pay their mortgage... I don't know why people in shul can't pay their dues. Are you guys going to church Bingo?...
It's all immoral.

We can’t let this be the shul normal. There is a huge outcry and we don’t even hear it, because the Chazin is so loud...

The angels tell Lot to leave. Lot doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go too far. (Bereishit 19:18-20) He wants to go to a lesser bad Sedom city.
When you’re in a bad place, you want to stay. You don’t realize it. When you're at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, you want to scream. The membership. The board. The Chazin...

Pirkei Avot (1:17) 'Distance yourself from a bad neighbor. And don't become friends with an evil person.' Which is why I am not friends with my congregants.
We learn to find a moral place and be there. Find your morality and keep it... I'm here to teach. It's a mission. I'm trying to help you get out...

It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to see the bad. You hear the screams and you think it's only kids gouging out eyes. We know junior congregation is scary and no parent wants to be there. Kids yelling.
There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. But you still go to the Bris, because you don't know any better. It becomes normal. The yelling. The madness. The anger over having lox with tomatoes and no onions just, you accept your fate...

This place is out of control. We must have control to keep the morality. To keep bringing in speakers. To have a well-run Bingo night. To ensure there are onions for the lox.
Keep your moral integrity and decent bagels.

Baruch's son has destroyed the building again. He's yelling and out of control. And now all the little girls and boys are crying...
Whether if it's for extreme pleasure or for extreme pain, either way, screaming is a concern.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was telling the shul that they had bagels with no lox and no onions in Sedom. That is where all went wrong. He equated having no onions with the need for destruction of a people.

The rabbi literally yelled the whole sermon to get across his point that you can't sleep during his sermons.The board has been bad for so long, they are messed up. The rabbi was saying to destroy them.

What's a scream? That's a great question. And I appreciate the rabbi dealing with it very loudly.
When Bernie yells out during the rabbi's sermon, we know what that is. That's disruption.

I believe the rabbi said junior congregation is a bigger curse than the board. He did say that at least they're not in shul itself. To quote, 'Keep kids out of shul. I am already dealing with Bernie.'

Finally, the rabbi approached the onion issue.
I just left the Kornbluth Bris. I saw there were no onions. I went home and had cereal. It was very disappointing. After all of those Brachas for the newborn child and the cutting, to have no onions and no eggs. A shanda.

Everything is a speaker. You can’t have a program without a speaker. That’s the big thing. A speaker and 5k. You get a speaker, you pay a lot and it’s a shul program. It allows people to say they went to a speaker. They never have anything to say about the speaker, because they fell asleep. People will pay a lot for a good nap, if the person is famous.
The rabbi started handing out tests after the speakers. He even kicked out a member who scored a 30 on the test. It was my friend Malkie. She didn’t even know the guy was talking about medical ethics. She fell asleep as soon as he started talking about comas.

I think I'm going to change my profession to a speaker. I can talk about how the rabbi is right. I'm sure the rabbi will dip into his discretionary fund for me.
Most of the people in our shul are talkers. Nobody likes talkers. They like speakers.

Bingo has been pathetic. I think it’s the volunteering. Our membership hears that word and they run.

Last time we discussed haggling. Now we will discuss practice and working the techniques. The Third of What They Say Technique, The You Name the Price and Run With What You Want Technique, The Walk Away Method. The Purchase What You Don’t Want Tactic. How do you prepare for Israel?! That is today's question.
Practice. Like anything in life, you must practice. You don’t just show up as a tourist expecting to get a bargain. You don't just show up to the Kotel expecting to not get attacked by the Tefillin guy, unless if you've been practicing your wind sprints. You don't just order falafel and expect to get an extra falafel ball, unless if you told them to hold off on the salads - a money topping method used by the skilled falafel purchaser who has practiced balancing the free salatim - a money saving method for the thrifty falafel eater. You prepare. You study. You learn Hebrew. I have a friend who spent five years getting her doctorate in Hebrew, just so she could get a decent deal on avocados at the shuk.
 
Tzimtzum and Me
Maybe I'm using that word wrong.
Haggling comes with practice. It's not just a skill set. It's a mindset. Haggling is a way of life. If you have pride, you'll never be able to get a deal. Hence, you must practice to develop the necessary skills for not caring about other people judging you for saving a shekel on a bag of pickles.
Making the shuk guy feel like he got ripped off. Not feeling bad arguing over the cost of a falafel ball. Walking in well polished shoes, letting them know you won't budge. It takes years to get to that point of not feeling shame over the shekel and a half. I am proud to say I am there.
After twenty years of living in Israel, practicing my skills, I have saved a good 15nis. True pride, if I may say so. And that only came with the understanding of myself, and not caring if I women are attracted to me.

Tooting My Horn - Inspiration for Haggling Practice Overseas
I'm a haggling savant. Nothing will stop me from getting a better deal. That's the attitude you must have, even when you're in America, which is not in the Middle East (most Americans are not aware of this tidbit). Remember, you must stay in practice. Something not easy to do, when the people working at Macy's think the price tag with the sale sign on it is the final price.
To stay in practice, you must complain. Complaining is paramount to bargaining technique. You want to let them know how bad the product is, which is why you want it. Many sales people don't get this. I went to the manager’s office at Macy’s and sat down to discuss how I didn't like the price tags. It turned out to be a decent conversation, and I walked out with nothing.
Purchasing a home? Show up and let them know you don't want it. That will throw them for a loop.

Practice Wherever You Are
If I haven't inspired you yet. Work on your haggling skill set. Wherever you are, keep your haggling up to snuff.
To keep myself in practice and ready for the shuk vendors, I've haggled with vending machines. It's hard to get a decent deal on the Snyder’s sourdough pretzels. But I was persistent. When haggling with a machine, you want to employ the Violent Yell Back Method. Whack the machine while screaming at it and a decent bag of pretzel fifths might come out.

A Story to Inspire You
I've used my haggling skills in America, and I've gotten deals. Sometimes it is a shocker. The pizza shop guy didn't see it coming. He was selling pizza.
The pizza shop guy said the slice was $3.75. I told him there was no way I was paying $3.75 for the last slice of pizza on that pie. I told him, ‘$1.50.’ Remember, you decide the price. That was the first time in my life that I got a slice of pizza for free. He said, ‘Please take this slice and never come back.’
You see, haggling works everywhere. Just keep your skills fresh.

Remember, the best place to practice is department stores. They have employees that are there to field questions that make no sense. And they have security, which adds an extra dimension to the haggling experience, when they're trying to throw you out.
Keep your skills fresh and haggle with the marked prices and sales at department stores in America, and the shuk vendors will be a breeze.

My friend who worked on her Hebrew, she still got ripped off. She knew Hebrew, but she sounded like an American. Point is, you must practice.
She regrets learning Hebrew. To quote, 'Why learn Hebrew if you can't get a deal.'

Announcements
We ask members stick to the tunes everybody knows. Nobody in our shul needs kids who just got back from Israel trying to make the membership better Jews with a tune they learned at Yeshiva.

We also ask members to not bring back old tunes they liked. There’s a reason we stopped singing the Yankee Doddle Adon Olam.

We ask members keep on their weight so we can still like you. Nobody likes Shloimi anymore. Since he lost weight, nobody even knows the guy. He’s a different person. The half everybody liked is gone. Now he’s talking about smoothies and kale.
We apologize to any congregant that got stuck next to Shloimi at Kiddish the past month. It’s hard enjoying Kishka next to him.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Songs We Sing, Songs We Like- Unlike Baruch’s Tunes. How to Not Be Annoying After You Lost Weight.

Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We need judges. This shul needs judges. People scoring how the Aliyah went, how the ark opening went... It was so slow today. The curtain took a minute to open. I’ve never seen somebody pull so slow... I understand the housing committee is worried about having to fix more damages. But pulling a string is not going to raise the cost of the leak in the roof.

You give the Kohanim and Leviim stuff... Because you’re commanded, Bernie. (Devarim 18:2) They have no land. ‘H’ is his inheritance’... Money Bernie. You give them money. Food. Stuff. H' didn't give them land so they wouldn't waste all of their time comparing the size of their houses like...
I’m not saying the rest of the Jews should spend their whole lives in Yeshiva. I have no idea how this got translated as that... Yes they should learn. They should learn to give a little... Good stuff. You guys give the shul your books you want to throw out. This is why H’ tells you exactly what to give the Kohens and Levis. Because you guys would give the worst stuff. Like your set of The Hardy Boys...

(Devarim 18:3-4) You give the ‘forelegs, the jaw and the maw...' You give the good stuff. Everybody loves the maw. The tongue and stomach stuff is amazing... If you cook it right. Not like Sarah and the rest of the sisterhood who messes up Stella D'oros.
You give ‘the first of your grain, your wine, your oil, your sheep shearing...’
H’ tells you what to give. You would give the second fruits. Maybe the fourth fruits.
You’d give the second shearing... I don’t know what the second shearing is. But you would give it. Anything to save money.
You gave the suggested donation for the dinner... There was an option to give $1,800 and $3,600. You gave $18...

If we judged your Davening, it would’ve been judged annoying...
Teaching a tune??? Baruch. You're leading Davening, not pushing tunes nobody knows. It's a sing along where nobody knows the tune. Kind of like Shacharit on a regular Shabbat... You all mess up the songs.
H' doesn't tell you to sing. He tells you to pray... This is why you do what H' tells you. He doesn't tell you to drop off books at shul nobody likes. He doesn't tell you to sing songs nobody likes.
Baruch. Your tune sounded like a bunch of moaning... That's what happens when our congregants get involved.
Phil. Using old tunes is like pushing a new tune. Nobody knows them. They’re old. Just do the tunes they already know. They can’t even sing those right.
And nobody likes the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam... That was eighty years ago, before they had guitars.

H' wants religious Jews to eat well. This is why He gave the first maws... Shloimi. Nobody likes you anymore. You took off weight and nobody likes you now.
I don’t know why every member over fifty has to talk about how much weight they lost. And you’re still out of shape... You lose weight and you're out of shape. And then we have to hear you talk about it.
I can’t have a conversation with you anymore. I like talking to the whole you. Not the annoying half...
All you have now is the judgmental half. The half Gd doesn't approve of.

They will take away your membership if you lose more weight... Because you talk about it and nobody can stand it. Talk about Torah. Talk about giving something to the Levites. Maybe judge some of the other annoying members.
And your house is not that big...

Rivka's Rundown
We’ve had that water leak in the ceiling for years. Bracha loves it. She feels like she’s praying outside. She likes the meditative connection the leak allows her.

Biggest thing in shul now is to have a bigger house. It seems to be a way to show you're a better Jew. If you cover the whole lot with your house, and get rid of the grass, you're a better Jew.

We're a very judgmental shul. The rabbi didn't have to suggest more judment. The congregants started holding up numbers after Aliyahs. They graded based on speed to get up there. How long Mishebeyrachs were. And if the guy had to look at the Aliyah Hebrew cheat-sheet.
Yankel Moishe never got an Aliyah again. After his forty-eight person Mishebeiyrach, the Gabai chose to forget his name.

Our membership gives the worst donations to our shul. For a picture for the hallway, they gave a fingerprinting.
And they can’t cook right. They would mess up maw. Due to our members donating and dedicating Kiddishes, I've never had a decent maw.
The rabbi needs to put out a divine list of acceptable donations. I suggested that to the board. They said they already put together the Yizkur appeal card.

Who's giving more than the suggested donation? What idiots are thinking, 'I can enjoy the dinner for $18, but I do have a choice to pay $1,800.' I've never paid $1,800 for a dinner and felt that was more meaningful. I felt I had to work more the next week. The only thing Gd wanted out of that donation I gave was more prayer I will get that money back.

I can’t believe they brought back the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam. I walked out.
Baruch got back from Yeshiva and started doing these new tunes for Kabbalat Shabbat, thinking everybody will become more religious because of his LCha Dodi. All he got was nobody singing along. I don't know. They might have been singing along. All I heard was moaning.

Why is it when they lose weight that’s all they can talk about? And then they give advice. They’ve been fat their whole lives and now they’re a diet guru. Always kale. Always talking about kale.
Asking people to keep on weight wasn’t a problem. The rabbi asked and the people went back to their regular diet. The cost of Kiddish sponsorship went up.

I had already been to the mechanic that morning. I was not happy entering the supermarket. When Gd says Tisha BAv is an inauspicious time for the Jewish people, I had no idea He was talking about people ruining my day. Now I understand. I thought they were anti-Semites. They were fulfilling Gd's mission of shopping for groceries. Nonetheless, I was overcome with hatred.
I try to find the positive in these people who ruin my day. I can't. Yet, I thought of what they might be going through. Their thoughts. How they're not as annoying as my congregants. This Tisha BAv, I hope you can be inspired by how I was able to not judge the guy on the 10 items or less aisle with more than 30 items, and how I stayed away from whacking him with my cart.

I Almost Hated Cheerios
I almost gave up on mankind when I saw the guy's cart. I could tell he likes cereal. I believe he decided he was going to eat General Mills for breakfast. All of General Mills. The company. He was about to purchase the whole Cheerios section. Till I saw his cart, I had no idea Cheerios had an Oat Crunch. I didn't know that Cheerios themselves could be more than 10 items. I thought they were Cheerios.
You're thinking, 'He must be able to see the lit sign. He was able to read the packaging on his thirty cans of tuna, and fifteen boxes of Pop-Tarts.' I was thinking that too. These people deserve to be hated. But it's Tisha BAv.

What The Guy With A Full Cart is Thinking on the 10 Items and Less Aisle
Maybe the sign that says '10 items or less' means ten types of products, and I'm misunderstanding the number ten. Does it mean cheese as a category? That includes cottage cheese and cream cheese. Macaroni and cheese. Maybe all dairy products is one item. Comes from cow. Dairy. One item. It should be 'dairy product.' I don't know the mathematics behind what equals 10 items. Is cereals as a category one item? Maybe it's grains. Fifteen packages of grain item. That's one item of grain.
This line is moving fast.

What They're Thinking After Twelve Minutes of You Waiting
When you're taking out of the supermarket, each plastic bag you loaded up is one item.
Why does that woman behind me only have eight things? Why is she waiting on this line with just milk and eggs? Isn't there another line for people like her?

Judging Is Wrong
Don't judge until you understand the rules. I saw one woman on the line with two carts. Maybe each cart is an item. I don't know. I just know I missed work.

Anybody Working at a Garage
It's the mechanic's fault. I believe he was the reason. I hate mechanics. I tried to love them. I can't. They charge too much. Love shouldn't cost that much, unless if there's a Ketubah involved.
If there is one people you're allowed to hate, it's mechanics. I have never walked away from a garage happy. I believe they cause all hatred. The Torah should teach that it's forbidden to work on people's cars. Taking interest and being a mechanic are Asur. Taking interest, being a mechanic, and being a congregant are forbidden.

I've never seen a 30 items or more aisle. I've also never seen somebody take six minutes to ring up Cheerios. I have a lot of anger to work through. But I am getting there. I'm trying real hard to stay away from auto repairs. I don't know how long it will be till my next oil change and hatred of all mankind. I pray we can all find a way to love each other and stay away from mechanics. This Tisha BAv should be a time of redemption and quicker lines.
Why the supermarket only had one line still bothers me.

I've been reading many Jewish magazines and here is what I've learned. Jewish magazines must have ads. Just ads. A lot of ads. You're paying to read ads. In addition, for your magazine to be properly Frum, it should be printed on newspaper newsprint. Now let's explore.

The Ads
Your publication should have ads. A lot of ads. Three quarters of the magazine up to the whole thing should be ads. As Jewish magazines are read on Shabbis, the focus should be on stuff you can't purchase on Shabbis. Perfect Shabbis ads include suits and new homes somewhere in Florida; which is right next to Brooklyn.
An ad for a Jewish mechanic should be present. This way you can be sure to get ripped off by Jews. The Jewish mechanic ad is a feature story, as it is unique.
Simcha halls. Those are good ads for Shabbis, as the cost of those things gets you to go to shul to pray for Parnsa. Money will be needed to pay for the weddings, which is why you will also want to have ads for Gmachs that cost money. And then you will want an ad for a Gmach (a Chesed organization), so that after paying for the wedding hall the bride can show up in a used dress Malkie donated after her divorce.
Wigs. Shaytels should take up at least four pages.

Articles in Ad Form
Make the ads interesting by providing them in article form. This allows for your creative juices to flow. Full articles on wigs and how they work as wigs at Faigie Bracha's shop on 13th Avenue make for excitement in North Miami Beach.
The Shadchan feature about pathetic single Jews who are a Rachmanis is a must for your publication. Include the Shadchan’s number, just in case a single girl is feeling decent one day, and wants help getting back on the right track.
You don't want any articles about how Gmachs, also known as free lending thrift shops, cost money.
All articles should be about Kosher food. Which leaves room for other articles. Most importantly, all articles should end with a phone number. That is what makes them Frum acceptable for the Shabbis reader.
And be sure to highlight whatever happened in Far Rockaway’s nursery schools. That is of public interest.

Inspirational Person Feature Advert
Also known as an ad for a shul, make sure the inspirational person has a lot of money. I don't even know why that needs to be stated. If they don't have a lot of money, they're not inspirational. With that in mind, the inspirational person should have full head of hair, even in their nineties.
You can also present the inspirational person in a NJ Five Town Rockland County's editorial of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot.
If you can't find somebody with money, find a Shadchan. Shadchans are always inspirational as they have pissed off many single people. The Shadchan inspiration is there for you as a parent to not feel so bad about your messed up single child, who let down the Shadchan as well, by not going out with the really ugly guy.

A Dedicated Page to Tuv Taam
There should be at least one dedicated page to dips that come in adjective form. Heimish Mamish Tuna. Shloimy's Heimish Onion Dip Supreme. Ruchel Leah's Deluxe Eggplant Shallot Gvalt. Deluxe is part of the Frum Yiddish lexicon. It's in there.
Moishie's Heimish Deluxe Gefite Fish by Tuv Taam. That's an article.

Acceptable Pictures for Advertisements
Pictures of people in black suits. That is acceptable.
Pictures of any Simcha. This includes Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and fundraisers. Weddings do not fall under Simchas, as there are mother-in-laws involved (we had to- we must stay true to Jewish humor). Fundraisers are considered Simchas, as they bring many people that are not poor a lot of money.
In all pictures, people should be standing at an angle. Naturally standing at an angle, facing something. Catch people in angle stances and then take the picture.
Be sure to have a few pictures of wealthy people that might give money. These are the only people don't have to be wearing a black suit.
Everything about elementary schools and kindergartens should be brought in picture form. Your average Jew wants to know what happened in the Far Rockaway Chabad nursery school, especially in the Catskills. Pictures of Shabbis Abbas and hair pulling should be there.
All pictures should be in ad form. Meaning that the pictures of the Simchas should come with Yankel's Photography and Catering showing somewhere.

Torah Ads
Nobody should be Mivatel Torah when reading your magazine newsprint in the bathroom.
You can connect Moshe to a deli, making for a decent ad. 'Yakov's Heimish Deli serves a beautiful corned beef on club. The commandment sandwich... At Be'er Basar Maluach the Jews complained that they needed water. At Yakov's they serve Dr. Brown's...' And that's a Dvar Torah. If you're wondering why there is only one adjective, it's because Yakov doesn't work for Tuv Taam.

I hope this helps a little in your understanding of how to publish your Frum Jewish publication. Just remember, if it's not an ad it should not be there.
Wait. Just came up with a great feature for next month. The Mitzvah Mechanic. An interview with a mechanic who only lies a little.

July 4th got me thinking about America and food. Waking up gets me thinking about food. Let’s talk about food. Other than Kiddish, nothing is more American than eating massive quantities of food as fast as you can. For that, I thank America.
It was right before I moved to Israel, that I had the honor of competing in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Known to many as the Super Bowl of Eating, I always wanted to be a professional athlete. The one thing holding me back was my athletic abilities. Then I heard about Nathan’s contest, and I knew I had found my sport.
Here is the in-depth story, a very long story, an epic of passion, my story of competing as possibly the only Shomer Shabbat person ever in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. It all happened in LA.
 
The Competitor
It was around twenty-five years ago when the only kosher Nathan’s at the time was in Los Angeles. The competitor and proud Jew I am, I showed up ready to eat.
This was in LA. Not Yerushalayim. The Nathan’s in Jerusalem closed down, because they had the competition in Jerusalem and the whole city showed up for free frankfurters. Jerusalemites never had a high-class eating competition and they understood competition to mean on the house. Sometimes things get mistranslated in language. After three dogs, the local Jerusalem folk had the chutzpah to complain, ‘Stop, I’m already full… can you bag the rest, to go?... I’ll eat them later.’ Some even complained that they had the gall to bring out the food and to not offer them a seat and some sides. (Some of the closing of Nathan's in Jerusalem story, may not be true. But the story of David competing in the Nathan's competition, in LA, is.)
They didn’t just take anybody for the contest. I had to do well at the eating combine. It was a serious competition, and I had to pass the weigh in. At the time, I was well over two-hundred pounds and I was able to fit into an XXL shirt with no problem. I was accepted. They were worried, as I was forty-five pounds lighter than the closest competitor. And that was a high school girl. I had to. Thus, the story of David and Goliath. Or, David and Some Bikers.
 
Bigger Men
I was competing against bigger men, but I have taken down tougher men and women on the way to the choolante at Shabbat Kiddish. These men were not Sadie or Ethel. I was not frightened. Nothing was going to get in my way. I claimed my spot at the table, planted my feet and did not move; the same way I had done so many times while other famished people were trying to get to the herring after Shabbat services.

Ray 'The Bison' Meduna
Ray 'The Bison,' a man ranked number twelve eater in the world, due to his powerful jaws and lungs; even as an amateur, he claimed fame as the Texas State Kolache Sweet Dough Eating Champion. If they were kosher, he might have taken second. As I learned, Kolache is not a Jewish name. It's a pastry of sorts.
I went up against Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna. ‘The Bison.’ A man that could eat people if he chose to not be livestock. How can I compete? I was going against a beast. I’m not a rodeo clown. I don’t go up against bulls, bison. I have never went up against cattle. The strength it took for me to go up against him. A Talmid Chacham like myself to muster the power to eat?!
Note: Never say 'muster' in a hot dog eating contest. They end up not hearing you correctly and you're stuck with a jar of dijonnaise.

How to Compete with a Bison - Get a Nickname
I had to use tact. I tried psyching him out. I went up to his face, 'I am David "The Mensch" Kilimnick and I eat hot dogs with a fork, because I am a mensch. I don’t do Achilas Gasa (disgusting glutton eating), unless if there is a chance to win cash. Eating like an animal is forbidden.’
Nicknames are very important in the sport of competitive eating. There was ‘The Fireball.' There was ‘The Hornet’s nest,’ who people stayed away from, as he brought stinging animals with him. I believe he took his nickname a bit too far, with a nest as his mascot. But you knew ‘The Bison’ was scary, because he was willing to name himself something you eat as well, and the competitors do get hungry very quickly. When you can take down forty hot dogs at one sitting, you don't make for a good Shabbis dinner guest.
‘The Mensch’ nickname did not seem to intimidate 'The Bison.' He was not fazed by my antagonizing antics, as menacing as I was. ‘The Bison’ wasn’t competing for a place in heaven and he didn’t know Yiddish. The use of Jewish law and threatening him with inappropriate eating habits was not working.
He wasn’t concerned with Mitzvahs. He wasn’t a Jew who never ate at McDonald’s. He practiced there. He wasn’t playing for a fast-food meal that he never got. He didn't even worry about extra calories. He had a metabolism. He didn't have the Ashkenazi ancestry. He just ate and enjoyed. The movie Supersize Me, he thought that was an advertisement.
He then took the hot dog with his hand- Achilas Gasa. And I was worried.
So, I threw in a, 'You have bad Midot (character traits).' I might have went a bit overboard with the rebuke, but he was prepared. And he didn't understand what Midot means. Maybe I should try psyching him out next time with English.
He told me that he drank gallons of water the night before, just to extend his belly. I knew I was dealing with a superhuman. I can’t even drink a cup before I go to sleep. I’ll have to pee.

Doing it for Jewish Pride- The Kids
I had to muster. I was going up against people who never heard of Achilas Gasa. I had to find the strength from within. I have seen how much grass a bison can take down. I was once at a zoo and I saw a huge thing of hay. It was for one bison.
Whenever eating as much as you can, you have to think about who you are doing it for. Me? I am doing it for the children. The two Yeshiva boys who came out to see a Jewish hero. Two young growing lads who wanted to see what eating is like when your parents aren’t around.
I had to find strength. I looked to the book of Yehoshua, and I heard the words, 'Be strong and courageous.' So, I said, I am ready to eat.
Non-Jews think Jews can’t eat. They haven’t been to a Tisch. They thought I don’t have the makeup of an eater. They’ve never been to my parent’s house for Shabbis. They haven’t seen me at a wedding. Oh, I can eat. They haven’t seen me taking down sausages at a smorgasbord, placing myself right next to the waiter carrying the tray of pigs-in-a-blanket, at all times. Not easy, when they're moving around, trying to serve other people.

The Competition
I had a cause. I remembered why I was going to eat fifty hot dogs. I remembered who I was. I remembered the lessons I learned at Shabbis Kiddish. I was a hero. A Jewish Hero. For these kids, I was no longer an underdog. I was an inspiration. I was the ‘Mensch.' It really gets to your ego when you're an athlete and you have a nickname.

Start of Competitive Eating
After trash talking the competition, Jewish Style, I was neck and neck with Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna on the first four hot dogs. I could see Jewish pride on the two Yeshiva boys’ faces, gazing at the competition; reminiscent of Jews watching Sandy Koufax play baseball for the LA Dodgers in the 1960s. The resemblance was uncanny. I saw a future of young Jewish boys, full of newfound inspiration, thinking they too could be an athlete and eat like a mensch; knowing they too could fulfil their athletic dreams with saturated fats. I pride myself on being an inspiration.
‘The Bison’ and myself neck and neck, as the Yeshiva boys and crowd were cheering, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ Four hot dogs against four hot dogs, the first minute down, and then he kept on eating. Ray must’ve been trying to prove something. That was too much already. I was full. I needed a little schnapps.
The cheers kept on going, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ One biker was taking down dog number twenty-four. He heard them chanting, 'Munch! Munch! Munch!'
I kept on going for those kids. I was deflated when I heard twenty-four hot dogs, but I kept going for the Bachurs. A true Tzadik works with what he has, and I had heartburn.
 
It Was Rigged Against Jews
There is no place for a religious Jew in competitive eating. They said, 'On your marks, get set, go.' I turned to the announcer as he said the word ‘go’ and asked, 'Where is the washing station?' I had to do Nitilat Yadaim (pre-meal hand washing). I had to wash my hands before I eat bread. You have your pre-competitive eating rituals, I have mine. The competition included bread. You drink water to prepare, I pray to Gd that I won't puke. Not fair.
I didn’t want to sin by not washing my hands and Achilah Gasa. What was I to do? Wash and eat a little bread beforehand? Filling up on carbs, before the competition?

If You Compete, You Are A Winner - The Lesson
Eating is about competition. As seen at Kiddish, where I have learned so much about ensuring other people don't get food, only the strong survive.
What made me a winner, you ask. It was probably the way I scarfed down those first four dogs in record time, after I washed, to catch up to the competition. Winners don't complain about referees. They stopped me from using my elbows, used for keeping the other competitors away from the food; a technique developed at Kiddish, based on Fran Schwartz’s choolante approach. At the end of the eight minutes, I had taken down a good nine hot dogs. I was a winner after all. It was a decent lunch.
The competition didn’t include mayonnaise and chili, but I requested the toppings. If I was there already, I was going to get the works. It was a good spread. They said that it was the first time on American soil that anybody packed up the food and asked for a to go bag at the Nathan’s Contest. They said it reminded them of the competition they hosted in Jerusalem.

I am a Hero if that is the Ending
Did I ruin a couple of Yeshiva boys’ dreams, skipping class that day?! I might have. Even so, they learned a little Torah as they heard me telling Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna about Achilat Gasa. Maybe they are rabbis now, out there telling their students about a great Jewish legend who competed in the hardest of circumstances and washed his hands, like Sandy Koufax. Maybe they're playing baseball. Maybe they're bowling. Whatever they are doing, the story of inspiration lives on with those two kids who flunked out of Yeshiva.
One thing is for sure. Whatever they are doing, they will never let being overweight get in their way.
David ‘The Mensch’ lost the battle to ‘The Bison’ that day. If my opponent had been Goliath, I might have won. Nothing in the Bible says that Goliath was able to eat thirty-five dogs in one sitting, in eight minutes, with buns.

As I was carried off the stage. I couldn’t move. I was full. I had eaten too much. Being carried that day, I could still hear them cheering, 'Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!' It turned out that Nathan's wanted back the hot dogs I took.

That was the end of my career. I realized that competitive eating was not for me. With my Ashkenaz genes I would've got real heavy.

Postscript
I didn’t finish last. For those kids, I was first.
There was a twelve-year-old girl next to me. She was out real quick. After the third dog, she said she felt bloated. I understood her.

I believe some of those men got sick that day. In fairness, they brought out those trays. Huge trays of dogs. I didn't know who how many people they were thinking were going to show. There were only six of us. I don't know why eight industrial size trays were necessary. They couldn’t have cooked all of these hot dogs right. This all had me worried. I didn’t want to get salmonella.
I had a great effect on the future of competitive eating. Never before had competitors requested iced tea. It was always water. Now, the professional eaters enjoy their forty dogs with mayonnaise and a cold refreshing soft drink to wash it all down.

No elbows were allowed. That was not fair. You couldn't hit. My Kiddish table training would've given me the advantage. If violence was allowed, I believe I would've controlled at least three of the industrial trays.
If I was able to hit, and there was somebody walking around with the hot dog trays, I would've had a chance.
The point of the story: I would not have lost in Israel. My competition would have also gotten up to wash.
 
There is no more Kosher Nathan’s in LA. Was it me and the tray of dogs I took home? Maybe the other Jews caught on the next year and went for the free Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Luncheon.
 
We are working on a Jewish food eating competition. It will come as soon as we can afford all the to go bags.

To this day, people ask, ‘What’s the reason why David stopped eating?' I was full.

If there is one thing Israel has, it's food. Kosher food. This is why I moved to Israel. For the holy food. It's not just food. It's a holy connection.
The best kosher food is in the Holy Land. It is so much better than the kosher food in Topeka.
Oh. How I love thee. Kosher food that is not just pizza. 

Israelis love Tradition. 'The Taste of Yesteryear' is written on half of the falafel stands. For some reason, no matter what the spice of yesteryear they're using is, it’s cumin.
Oh. How I love thee and thy food that never changeth. Before thee I never knew what yesteryear tasted like. Nor did I knoweth it was a word. Tradition is at thy heart as is thine taste of cumin.

Jachnun, Malauach, Choolante. It is all for the taste of yesteryear.  Whatever yesteryear tastes like, before Israel I was scared to eat it. 
Oh. How I love thee. Your connection to thine past is never forgotten. Even if thine food is not fresh. Oh. The oil in thou addeth to thine bread.
​
Shoko BSakit. We have chocolate milk in a bag, so that when you think you finished it and think it’s done, it spills on you.
Oh. How I love thee and thine care for the environment. Always reminding me that I need to put my shirt in the wash after I drink thee.

We have coffee that doesn’t dissolve. It is a Turkish miracle. When I finish the coffee, there is more coffee inside the cup than when I started the coffee. The greater miracle is that Israelis invented the Turkish coffee.
Oh. How I love thee. Thine coffee that shalt never cease.

The whole food shopping experience is holy. We can eat whatever we want in the supermarket. If you can knock back an avocado while in the vegetable section, you don't have to pay. As long as it's in the Super, they don't charge for it.
In America, they have tasting stations. You can’t choose what you want to taste. You take something and they make you feel uncomfortable for opening the pack of chips and not buying it. Not very welcoming to have a guy rationing one chip at a time in a cupcake holder. In Israel, we take it and don’t ask, and it is fine. As long as you eat it in the supermarket, it’s free. It's like being at mom and dad's house.
Oh. How I love thee. Thy budget shopping hast never been better. How you care for thine people and have provideth a spit cup for the olives I eat by thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to taketh the shopping cart home. It is quite useful.

We can go to any falafel stand and eat for free. If you bring your own pita, the salads and dips on the side are free. Load it up. The key is to only eat the top layer of Salatim without hitting the pita. This allows for greater pickled vegetable allotment.
Oh. How I love thee and all thine Salatim on the side of thine falafel stand that I don't have to pay for. You have helped me many times when business was down. I pray thou forgiveth me for taking the Salatim cart. I was not aware that metal cart must stay.

We can take anything out of the hotel dining room. Nobody asks any questions. They have accepted our ability to find ways to take a rugulach tray out of the dining room with no shame. I was at the Dead Sea for breakfast and people were filling up shopping carts, taking it to their room for lunch.
Oh. How I love thee and not having to feel shame smuggling food out of thine buffet. I feel a connection to my brethren when I do so.

The Mangal. In American barbecues are huge. In Israel, the barbecue is intimate. A square made to fit six wings if you place them correctly, angled inside one another.
Oh. How I love thee. I will forever maketh my barbecues in tiny tin tray size form. And thine kindness shown when you wave to thou Mangal with your Nifnoofer. Oh. Thine tradition of celebrating every holiday with thine Mangal. As barbecues are an Israeli tradition.

Meurav Yerishalmi. The special food of Jerusalem. In Tel Aviv, they throw their trash in the garbage. In Jerusalem, we eat it. We're religious and we don't throw out food. Baal Tashchis. Kidneys, intestines, eyebrows. We make a dish of it and eat it along with the taste of Yesteryear.
Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to cook whatever cometh thine way, as thou believeth in H'.

I have put on a lot of holy weight since moving to thee. Oh. How I love thee and all the food you take credit for, especially pizza. I how I will never forget thine Turkish Coffee thou hast created. And thine tradition of celebrating Independence Day with a barbecue. Oh. How I love thee and thine traditions.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Israeli falafel joint and the traditional Jewish American butcher, Israeli games that educate Jewish children about how to gamble, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his potential Shidduchs with us.