I went back to my alma mater and I found so many anti-Israel protest tables on the quad. I had to stick up for Israel and our people. I won't say the name of the alma mater, as it is an Ivy League, and the students are apparently very dumb. I am worried for the Jewish students on campus now. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.
I had to argue with somebody who was vehemently pro-Palestine, which they figured is located somewhere near Thailand. And the arguments got worse from there. Here are some of the arguments I had with these very well-educated people.

It's Not Antisemitism Argument
I told them that their anti-Israel sentiments were exactly antisemitism. And I asked, 'Why are there always attacks on Jewish communities in America or Europe when Arabs attack Jews in Israel?!' One student exclaimed, 'Israel is located in Europe. You fool.'
I received a strong argument in return that it’s only anti-Israel, as a Jew right next to us with a Kippah was being chased by a Palestinian flag.

I had to explain to one pro-Palestinian protester that 'Allah Akbar' does not mean 'kill Jews.' I was personally offended when one student said it means to not have control over your vehicle when you're driving it in a crowd. When I told them that the translation is 'Gd is greatest,' they explained to me how it's the same thing. 
Later that day, they were not cheering 'Allah Akbar' anymore. They were just chanting 'Kill the Jews.' I asked why they took out 'Allah Akbar.' They explained to me that they checked with some of their Muslim friends what Allah Akbar means and their Muslim friends said Jews have the same belief. They said, 'If that's the case. We hate Akbars.'
I asked why these students for finger paint as a real art were so involved in this anti-Israel protest. They said, 'Because we are atheists, and we believe the Gd of the Muslims is the true Gd.'
How finger painting turned into a college course, I have to ask the administration. I believe there was a protest and they gave in.

One very bright Ivy League woman said they’re not anti-Semites. She was holding a banner that said, ‘All Jews should die.’ I asked how that’s not antisemitism. She said, ‘Jews should die. But I still love them.’

The What Hamas Really Wants Argument
It's hard to make peace with people whose only stated goal is to kill you. I let the student know that this is their goal. One student looked at me blankly, ‘Then what is the problem?’

I told one liberal who was chanting 'give peace a chance,' that this isn't Vietnam. I told them that Hamas wants to destroy Israel and kill the Vietnamese. They said, 'Because the Vietnamese are Jews.'
I showed them a video of Hamas leaders telling them to kill Jews. They kept on saying that is not what Hamas is about. They said they trust Hamas. I said, 'Then you should trust what they say.'​ They let me know that that sentiment is anti-Hamas 'which is very offensive, and I am hurt.' I was thus introduced to the logic of how Palestinians want peace with Israel when they say that Jews should die and that Israel should not exist.
I showed them the Hamas charter which says to avoid any negotiations for peace and to destroy Israel or die through martyrdom. They said, 'You still have to negotiate.' I reiterated that they are against negotiation. They said, 'Then you should negotiate with them.' When I explained that negotiations by definition need the other people, they said, 'Stop lying.'

Acts of Terror
I was not dissuaded when the non-student, who was apparently a student, somehow, though they were not part of the university, argued that shooting from behind their children is to be commended. I asked for an explanation, and they told me that 'as long as Hamas does it, it’s OK.'
It got out of hand when they argued, 'Using civilians to protect your fighters is a good idea. All is fair in love and war.' I exclaimed, 'But they are not fighting their own civilians.' To which they said, 'The Gazan civilians are Jewish.'
I told them about the inhumanity of the human shield. They said, 'And warriors have always had shields.' I told them that they had shields made of metal, not babies. They said, 'You use what you have.' 

Follow-up Notes
I have a hard time arguing with such hatred for the Olam, the world. There is no Emes in what these students that aren't students are arguing on behalf of their professors. I knew there was no coming back when the pro-choice girl said that rape is fine if it's part of your culture.
Then they blamed the Gazan Jews for hitting the hospital with a rocket through the Jews of Islamic Jihad. 
I hope I am better equipped to go back and educate them next week. I have to work on my ability to convince them that Israel exists in Israel.

***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. And may we see the return of our people that have been kidnapped, as we pray for their health and immediate return. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities, and the heartfelt gratitude to our soldiers. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.

Announcements
The rabbi forgot to announce July 4th last week. We are sorry for his lack of love for America. It wasn't in the announcements either, because of the rabbi.
The rabbi did have a BBQ. The Herman Mishpuchi confirmed that. Don't worry. Nobody missed out. It was just dogs. No hamburgers.
The shul's July 4th parade didn't happen. We want to apologize for not having the parade again this year. It was the rabbi's fault.
 
Glamping group will be meeting at the Walmart parking lot, where they will spend their first night of glamping.
 
No attacking people for Davening too fast. Just because somebody said the Baal Tefillah (Chazin) did Adon Olam too fast does not give everybody the right to jump on the guy. As much as we all like to complain, nobody wants to be in shul longer. Please thank him. If you'd like to blame somebody, blame the rabbi.
 
Shul excercise classes are starting this Monday. The classes will get you in shape for carrying around the Torah, helping setup Kiddish, and showing up to shul on time.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They counted the people... It's called a census... Well. It makes sense. There was a plague.
When something catastrophic happens, you take a census. That is why we count every day at Shul... This congregation is a plague. Minyin... Almost every Minyin is catastrophic. The Aliyah and ark opening fights... We rarely get a Minyin. So. When people do come, like at a normal shul, we take a census...
They count kids in camp too... The way the shul's day camp is run, you need to take a census. They lose kids all the time... I know we don't count at junior congregation. Because you don't care if we lose your children.

(Bamidbar 26:10) 'Then the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and Korach with the death of the assembly... a sign...'  That's how you teach a lesson... We're not scaring your kids... The basement didn't swallow your kids. They were playing down there. They got locked in the... We didn't lose them, and they didn't get swallowed by the laundry chute...

Why the swallowing? To teach a lesson. Rashi teaches so that people know to not mess with the Kehuna...
We need signs so that people know to not do Davening too fast, or the congregation will hurt you... A sign to lift the Torah correctly. Felvel broke his back the other day lifting the Torah. A cue. Like 'tighten your stomach'... I would think that the flags around the city and the BBQs would remind you it's July 4th. That's a sign...
We've never had a parade. We've seen other people parade. But our congregants don't parade. Our congregants couldn't walk down Main Street. They can't even walk to shul... I know because you all drive.
Nobody cared when I forgot Yom HaAtzmaut...

The real problem is blame. A lack of wanting to do, yet wanting credit.
You want the Kehuna, but you don't want to help setup Kiddish. You eat... You complain about not getting honors in shul. You scream at the Gabai. None of you want to Layn... We should not give Yasher Koyachs for getting an Aliyah. The guy did nothing. You Layn, you read from the Torah, your get a Yasher Koyach.
Don't mess with the Kehuna and don't mess with the Gabai. From now on, if you get angry about not getting an Aliyah, we hurt you. Either that or you have to help setup Kiddish. And you have to walk to shul...
Never effort. You all show up at 10:30am. It takes you two hours to walk to shul. You must be out of shape...
Pinchas took action. Those who take action don't complain. They don't mess with the Kehuna. They do. They don't blame, like Isaac...

To get mad at the Baal Tefillah is not a Pinchas move. He was leading Davening... He didn't start taking off his clothes in the middle of Chazaras HaShas...
Pinchas would've Davened fast. There is no such thing as Davening too fast. There is appreciation. Anytime one of the kids doesn't lead Ein Keilokeinu, and we can sing the normal tune... Yes. We're thankful when we do the not slow tune.
You get up there and you lead. You don't learn how to lead. You do it. Leading is an action... Leading is not what you're doing when you complain about the rugulach at Kiddish... I understand they have cheese. They're a different kind of rugulach. You don't mess with the butterflake rugulach. Butterflake and cheese is amazing... Then you eat choolante later. Fools.
Who was the fool who said to add more between Brachas and Rabbi Yishmael??? Who are you?... You're not even a member of the shul. You just showed up two weeks ago... Who are you?!
In this shul, you all mess with stuff. Anything good, you mess with. The back left section should be swallowed up... If the earth swallowed up the congregants, we would get a Minyin.

You all complain. You complain about me... I understand you need something to complain about, but you're messing with the shul. Who tells a guy to Daven slower?!!! Who?!!! What is wrong with you... You didn't even want to be the Baal Tefillah...

It's you.
(Bamidbar 26:11) 'The children of Korach didn't die.' Thank Gd. No kids died at camp this summer... You don't blame the children for the faults of their ancestors. We don't blame your kids that you Daven too slow... And we don't blame grandchildren for Bernie. We pray for them... If Korach's kids were at shul, with Shmuli leading Davening, they would've wanted to kill themselves. They would've asked why they're not leading... Because Shumli Davens too slow. He should be stabbed.

We do an early Kiddish with Youth Groups so they can enjoy themselves. They'll starve if they have to wait for Shmuli to finish...
A July 4th BBQ is up to you. It was at my house.

And now you mess with July 4th. The fact you missed July 4th is on you. You didn't prepare. You didn't think about it. You just complained. You could've had a BBQ... I am not inviting you. You'll show up to a BBQ on time. Why not to Minyin?

Instead, you go glamping... That's the most American thing you did. You went glamping. Instead of camping, you rented a house. And then you got fast food.
You do nothing right. You don't even camp correctly... It was a house. You were driving an apartment, and then you slept at Walmart. Walmart is not a forest.

Your kids aren't out of shape. They can go camping. They can pitch a tent. If they workout, they can lift the Torah and help with Kiddish. Maybe they can even learn to Layn... Glamping is not American tradition.
It's about the next generation respecting tradition. Doing...

Yes. Tzelafchad's daughters are there in the Parsha... Now. Now, you stick up for them. 3,400 years later?!

Rivka's Rundwon
The announcements are always misspelled.

I think the rabbi ends every sermon angry.

I agree with the rabbi. We need to slow down on the Yasher Koyachs. When I see people like Bernie getting an ego for rolling the Torah, not even Hagba, it's bothersome. Say, 'Hello.' Not 'Yasher Koyach.'
He walks off the Bima like he's a rock star. Pointing at people, 'No. Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' We had Sefardim one Shabbis. He yelled out 'Chazak vAmatz to everybody,' and didn't even buy them rounds.

'The shul is a plague, but don't blame the kids.' A strong message from our rabbi. He is so wise. Always has the right lesson to impart. The parents in our shul are very messed up.
The kids do learn from the adults.
Junior congregation has got heated with the new elections. They are now arguing regularly. One kid who didn't even run for president of junior congregation asked why the girl who got voted in gets to lead.
The big question is how many people can lead Davening at once. They had eight kids around the Bima leading last week. I think the youth director is scared that if she says 'no' the kids will protest. They have a Gabai who makes decisions as to who gets to use the LEGO.

They truly threw the rabbi under the bus. 
The shul has never had a July 4th parade. Members join in for the town parade.
We once had a Yom HaAtzmaut parade. The members couldn't even make the walk around the block. So out of shape. Which is why our softball team is getting killed again this year.

The rabbi focused on July 4th this week as nobody invited him for a BBQ. He wanted to let them know they were rude.
His sermon was very much about July 4th. Still, as some members said, 'It wasn't last week. When July 4th didn't happen yet... The rabbi spoke about July 4th at the wrong time. The weekend is before July 4th, not after. You have to prepare for the BBQ.'
Nobody got mad at the rabbi for forgetting to announce Shiva Asar BTzamuz. Even though they forgot to fast, they didn't seem to mind not remembering the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. We didn't even get a Minyin for the fast that leads up to Tisha BAv. It was a nice day out though. Most of the congregants BBQed.

They brought tents to glamping. Fools. If they knew that they provide housing for glamping. Once they noticed housing was provided, some of the parents wanted to make the kids feel like they were camping, so they brought tents to stay in outside the huts.
I'm never going glamping again with members of our shul. They were complaining that there were bugs outside of their glamps. They called them yurts. It's a glamp.
Everybody loved the Walmart glamping trip. The first two nights were spent in a Walmart parking lot. The third night we had to go to the glamps. We had to get out of the parking lot once we heard over the loudspeakers, 'Jewish people can't camp in our parking lot. We don't allow people to Daven in Minyin form for more than two days. If you're not tailgating, please go camping.'

Everybody is a critic. This is the first time I have ever heard people complain that they were getting out of shul too early. There is something very wrong with this shul. Rabbi had to step in 'You guys are fools... Then do the Karbanot at home.'
Communally attacking the guy for doing what he was told. He was told to lead. He was told to not drag it out. Then Barry goes off on him. Barry always finds a reason to complain.
'Pinchas would've Davened fast.' Just another one of the beautiful messages from our rabbi. Pinchas cared about the Jewish people. He would've never led Tefillah like Shmuli.
The rabbi is very correct about the slow tunes. It's a plague. Somebody should stab any Baal Tefillah who slows down Davening. They would be a loved one of H'.

They all love to complain. But no effort. All lazy. They want the Kavod but they don't want to help. Kiddish falls on the rabbi. A bunch of Korachs in the shul. They swallow up the Kiddish.
The rabbi initiated the shul workout to get some help with setting up the tables. He thinks that if they have more energy they'll help. He didn't take into account Bernie, Max, Sadie, Raschel, and the rest of the congregants. Hopefully they'll at least get in shape to move faster for their Aliyahs. The shul workout consists of pacing in the back to bother people trying to concentrate, which many members already do, and Hagba lifts. The rabbi is working on a HIIT daily workout for the congregants he is calling the Kaddish. This is where they have to stand each time Kaddish is said, and then they have to sit back down when it's finished.

Our congregation has no idea what to worry about. Tzelafchad's daughters is still a big topic. Can't find their kids in the shul basement and they're worried about Tzelafchad's girls getting land in Israel. We have a leak in the shul. People have no idea when the 17th of Tamuz is. But they're worried about Tzelafchad's daughters.

Independence Day is upon us in North America and it's time to think about what that means to us as Jews. Other than complaining about the government and our friends who share their thoughts, what is there to love about American independence? Whether you're Canadian or American, your freedom is here. Let's see what America has given the Jews. 

Jewish Culture and Tradition
That means an Eastern European accent.
I've never met an old British Jew who didn't sound like they were from Britain. American Jews who moved from Europe, sound like they're from Poland. That's Jewish. Sounding like you're speaking Yiddish is Jewish.
The old American Ashkenazik Jew is always speaking Yiddish, even when they're talking in English. Either that or I just can't understand a thing they say. 

A Place to Live
Where were we going to go? We got kicked out of every other country. Were we going to go back to Italy? If America didn't have independence, the Europeans would've kicked us out of America too.

Brooklyn
Brooklyn, the land of the Jewish people, is thanks to America.
Brooklyn has it all. Eichler's bookstore, where Judaica emanates from, and nobody is shocked when people buy CDs. They gave us Avenue J pizza shops and shawarma places. Thanks to Brooklyn, you can have an Israeli experience, and never have to go to Israel. There's Thirteenth Avenue, just one of the many streets we claimed as Jewish. 
I would've mentioned The Lower East Side, but I forgot about it. Like all Jews, I forgot about it. Until I need pickles, The Lower East Side is not in my memory.
Even Kiryas Joel, is thanks to America. Kiryas Joel would never exist in Israel. There is no way that many Satmar Chasidim would make Aliyah on purpose.

Florida
Before Florida, Jews thought they were supposed to move to Israel to connect with their people.

The Mountains
Where do you go to see Brooklyn during the summer? The Mountains. The Catskills, again all thanks to America.
The great hotels and the bungalows. The Mountains is the Jewish American summer experience. It would be Florida, but Jews like to shvitz inside. In the shvitz. Shvitzing outside is for athletes.
​Thanks to American independence, the only colony Jews know is a bungalow.

Freedom of Speech
America allows you to say whatever you want, until people disagree with you and take away your job. Or, until there's an anti-Semite. Other than being attacked for talking, America allows you to say what you want.
We can even complain. The backbone of Jewish community is found in our freedom of speech. If complaining didn't exist, we wouldn't have shul or a board. If we didn't have freedom to complain, what would we say about the rabbi?

Politics
You can hate your government and live there.
It gives us a reason for freedom of speech, other than the rabbi. It's such a gift that our country has given us a reason to hate other people. And then to be able to talk about it. Nothing is better. And then, to be able to say 'I'm offended.' It's all such a joy.

Entertainment
Hollywood with British accents wouldn't work.
The only movies I don't have to watch with subtitles is thanks to America. When a British person talks, I need subtitles. I can't understand a word they're saying. They might as well be speaking Yiddish.
I still haven't watched Shtisel, because the Israelis don't have an American accent.
And Sports. Is there anything better than American sports, allowing our Jewish children to get involved and own something?!

Country Clubs
Americans have banned Jews from so many places. The country club that bans Jews is such a joy. There's no better place for a Jew to go to enjoy themselves.

Summer Camps
No other country offers parents a way to get rid of their children for two months, other than the army. The summer camp experience has brought so much happiness to Jewish parents. We have America to thank for that.
Not having kids around is the independence we're truly celebrating on July 4th. 

Kosher Food
You can travel in America and find Kosher food. It's easier to tell what's kosher, when it's written on the package.
Ever tried traveling in England? You have to guess if it's kosher. You see a product in Britain and you take a stab at it. You don't make a blessing. You open the package, you take a bite and pray that God doesn't kill you. In America you don't have to guess if you're going to Gehenim.
Now they have a British app to tell you what's Kosher, if you can find anything on there. You go to England and hang out at the entrance to the grocery, where they have reception, and try to do a search for kosher products. Then you go down the aisles and forget if it's kosher. And then you go to hell because of the app.

Pizza
We wouldn't have pizza. That comes from New York.

Monster Truck Rallies
In American, it's clear to the Jewish people where they shouldn't be. You don't go to monster truck rallies, rodeos or WWE. 

America is not Britain. America gave us that.
Happy July 4th and Canada Day. Just be happy we're Jews and we're not in Europe.

Americays worry about everysing. All time. Worry.

Worry About War
We've been in war so many year. Every tree year, we have war in Israel. Zey bomb. Boom. Ve know. Amerikay worry. Ehhh. Israel, we go ehhh drink. Eat falafel. Leeve life. You worry. Amerkay say and cry, 'I no travel to New York. Danger.' It's all the way Israel. You worry about other world side, ehhh. In Israel we feel bad for Amerikay. We got bombed. We worry, ehhh, they cry in America.
We feel bad, but we always bombed. When last war America? America go war, no soldier in America. All soldier far away.
You worry war now. It Europa. Russia live in Israel. Ve see dis. All goodie. Ukrainies and Russia same. 
No idea where Europe on map. Ehhh. You sink Ukraine one of fifty state. You cry, 'Oh no. Zey attack us.' You need look map. Ehhh. Map show you where you leeve. You leeve US. They leeve Ukraine. Ukraine no US.
You cry, sink zey move to US? Ehhh. Emmm. Ehhh.

Money
How ehhh muchie you need? You cry like baby, wah wah, 'Ehhh. I only two-hundred sousand dollar last year?' You worry. Saving of 5 million dollar. Ehhh. You need buy more house?! We make sirty sosand shekel. We rent. We happy.
How muchie you need? You need for after you die? (crying) 'Why? I no money to send great-grandchild to university.' (Crying with scream) 'My life too good. Why? Why? Why?'
You need two million shekel a year. Ehhh. For what? You visit Israel?

College
War. Now you worry college. (Amerikay cry gain) 'Need degree. Where I get 70 sousand dollar a year?!' There war. Now you worry university. 
Everysing worry. Ehhh. College. (Crying more) 'Oh no. Where I vacation spring break. Life so hard.' College fun. You learn. You stupeed. 70 sousand dollar stupeeed. You no make dis. I work Yanky's falafel, we make twenty thousand shekel. Ehhh.
You spend dees seventy sounand on college. you never Aliyah. You come Israel, everybody sink you stupeed. College Israel, seven sousand shekel.
Sevety sousand dollar for good jobe. Good jobe? Ehhh. Why? Why? Why? You work dis Walmart? 
Israel, you move? You no job. You sound no right. You sound Amerikay. Go to college and sound stupeed. Amerikay accent. No jobe. College and university 500 sousand dollar. No even say 'Ehhh Shalom' normaly. You need course college, ehhh no sound Ameirkay.
No college. No spendie all your money.

Health
​You no eat falafel. Eat falafel. Zeees ehhh healsie.
Amerikay eat helsy, dees eight falafel sandweech. Lunch. Amerikay eat helsy, ehhh, dees eatie eight healsie time. One meal. Eight meal. We eat one meal at one meal. Amerikay eat eight meal. (Cry) 'Why I so fat?' We give one falafel, you say, 'More.' You no eat meal. You eat day. All day. You no sit meal. Ehhh. You sit for day. Zen, you worry you eat too much. You do.
I see Amerikay eat. You eat dis. No ve-ge-ta-ble. Ehhh. (Crying Again) 'I want healsy. I no eat more.' You eat Amerikay or you starvie. You no can seet one falafel.

All Worry
Worry about hels. Worry about college. Worry war. Worry Money. Ehhh. Worry money, zen worry not shopping enough. (Crying more) 'We no shop. Need more clothes.' How much clothes you need? Ehhh. Your closet need more clothes? I see you new clothe everyday. Need shop. Need work. Ehhh, worry work. We have no jobe, Israel. Just Yanky's. I no work. I happy.
Worry politica. Ehhh. Zen worry more politica. (Cry) 'Why government no give money? Why government tax? Ehhh? Why gas?' You worry gas. You worry. You need bad. Ehhh. Bad. No worry. You say, 'Zis bad. OK. Life no good. I happy it bad.'
Leeve in Israel. No worry. We know we have no money. Ehhh. School government pay for. Zey take our tax. We know. We no worry. We no eat. We helsy.
Stop worry. You worry, you going to worry. All you do, worry. Zis activity for you. Ehhh. Worry time. (Crying again) 'What I do today? I worry. Zis what I do. I worry and shop. And worry I no shop ehhhh enough. And worry I spent too much. Zen I worry war... No idea where war is. But I worry leave home. I zen worry about college. Ehhh, my grandkids go college. Need to worry for zem. I no worry, who will worry for the next generation?... It's ehhhh zeh worry zath I worry zat is zeh hardest. I need helsy too. I need be helsy to worry. Ehhh. Zen I need money visit Israel where zey no worry. I shop zer too. I no have money to shop zer too. Zey have no Amerikay money. I worry for zem. War in Ukraine. What zey do in Israel? I worry.'
Zen, ehhh, you worry travel Israel, because you hear war in Ukraine. Worry it same country. We know it no same country. Ukrainiaim live in Israel.
Leevee Isrealie. Nosing have. Ehhhh. No worry. When bomb, you no worry. You know zer bomb. Zen you move to Israelie, you worry you good Oleh.

And zen zey worry. (Huge cry) 'I have kids. Oh no. Too much Nachis. Ehhh. Why me? Zis so nice.' Even good. You worry. Ehhh.
What we do for Ukraine? We worry. Ehhh. We stand in worry wis zem.

Kibbitzer Disclaimer: Please do not blame us for the grammar. Shmulik dictated this article. He demanded that he speaks the language correctly. He was literally crying every time he quoted an American.
To note, for your understanding. we wrote the headings in English.
We do not know if Shmulik really thinks that Russia is in Israel. He might be trying to say 'Russians live in Israel.'
He did use 'Ehhh' for a whole sentence. 
We do commend Shmulik's ability to mock people with anxiety. He mocked all of America for having anxiety. We have never met anybody else who could do this.