As Tisha BAv is upon us, going over the news from the past few months should get us in the right mood. During the Three Weeks of mourning, we’ve been listening to a lot of JNS news, to keep us down. Here’s some stuff to remind us tradition is alive and the blood libels are still there.
Here is what we learned over the past months. It’s a lot. This is going to be a long one, so put on your Yarmulkes.
​It turns out people still hate us. Thought you should know that.

Ceasefire called again. So, shooting ramped up. Ceasefires are very dangerous. 
We believe that was a ceasefire on the ceasefire. And that makes sense to JD Vance.
When dealing with the IRGC and Hezbollah, you need to stop what you have stopped doing already. JD Vance explained this on the Joe Rogan podcast. It's very normal and it makes sense to him.
Who's to blame for ceasefire violence? Jews. They didn't break it, but they're Jews.

There’s a Fatwa on everybody. I thought there was already a Fatwa. But this is another Fatwa. As we learned from Gaza, people can die more than once. So you need more Fatwas. To quote, “There's a consensus. You can never die too many times.”
 
UAE seems to be with Israel. For some reason, they like the idea of life and economy.
 
New York Times reports that Israel is training terrorist dogs to rape people. False news. Israel has never trained any Gazans. And the New York Times doesn't retract the statement, and we're offended. To call Palestinians dogs is wrong.
And nobody batted an eye. It appears dogs raping people is a normal thing. There's a raping breed. We're still bothered they didn't report on the new spy sharks Israel has been training to rape swimmers . And the field mice Israel is training to infest people's homes. And what about the spiders and ants Israel has wrought on Gaza.

Bullying Jews and attacking Jews in New York is rampant. At least Mamdani lived up to his campaign promises.
 
People are still complaining about 3.8 billion dollars funding to Israel for military equipment. That’s nothing. Ask Mamdani what 3.8 billion dollars is in a budget, and how many shuls can be attacked with it.
JD Vance is complaining too. And he hasn't talked with Tucker Carlson in years.
Many in Israel don't want the funding. And that is the first recorded time in history that Jews are saying no to money. And we are starting to get this antisemitic thing down.

Another ceasefire. Wait. Iran broke it. But America is the ones who broke it.
Let us explain how international law works. It doesn’t make a difference who breaks the ceasefire first. If you break it second, you’re to blame. The International Criminal Court will hopefully get these evil regimes who break ceasefires after they've been shot at. JD Vance will explain it to you. To quote, "As long as they hate the Jews too."

Mamdani refuses to go to Israel Day Parade, giving the Jewish community at least something to celebrate.
He made it clear that he only supports countries that support rape and murder of their citizens.

Somebody used the saying, "No Jews, no news," like they came up with a unique idea. Like they created it.
 
Trump says he's going to wipe out the IRGC civilization. Causes uproar. Americans are not happy with this statement. IRGC says they're going to wipe out and kill all Americans. Americans support it.
It's all Israel's fault.

Wait. Another ceasefire. Shoot. They broke it.

Still haven't seen the new Ayatollah. Which means he's alive.
 
We would stop here, but there is a lot more Jew hatred to get through.

Any genocide ever done was Jews. Armenian genocide. That was the Jews. Sudan. The Jews. Jiffy Lube genociding people, charging full price on oil changes. Jews. Spanish Inquisition. The Jews did that.
People in America and Europe are mad that Israel is defending itself. To quote: "It's so much harder to kill these people when they defend themselves." Response to quote: "That's a genocide." 

You can't say you're against the IRGC, Hamas or Hezbollah. It's racist. Saying you're against terrorism is blatant racism. You're not allowed to converse and have conversation. Conversation is racist.
​
Italy wants to take military action against Israel, as they didn’t kill enough Jews during the Inquisition. Spain gets involved too. To quote, "You can't have an Inquisition without us." Some German and Polish politicians don't want to be left out. "We did what we could during the Holocaust, where the Jews were committing genocide." IT'S THE JEWS!!!!
I'm beginning to understand what genocide means. It has something to do with supporting Jewish right to live.
 
Lebanon and Israel sign a peace treaty. Lebanon is trying to figure what that means. “Who has to follow this?!”
Peace is a very offensive word. Only used by genocidal racists.

Iran executes its people. Including wrestler. It's the Jews fault. JD Vance said it’s because of Israel. Jews are genocidal executioners. Might as well. That Abby Martin woman has it down. She knows how to express Jew hate.
 
Flotilla comes to Gaza again. They won’t stop with these vacation ideas. How Gaza became the number one destination for these cruise ships is an anomaly we can’t figure out. Tourism in Gaza must be peaking. Other tour guides in Israel are out of business.
Whoever the tour company is that’s spreading this Gaza Experience is truly bait and switching these people. Personally. We would suggest Jerusalem, Chevron, Nazareth. The ancient sites. Maybe get Tel Aviv in there for the beach. Maybe go for a swim to Gaza to do some spying.
The people on the Flotilla came to spread peace and love to the Gazans. Bringing drugs, condoms, and cheers of “Death to America. Death to Israel.”
Israel gets in trouble for not letting the Flotilla in. New policy that people are fighting for is the idea that countries should only allow people that hate them in. Americans have been working real hard on enforcing this policy in their country.
 
Somehow, Gaza is still a topic. And every citizen of Gaza is a journalist.

Democrats support their candidate with a Nazi tattoo. It turns out that having a Nazi tattoo means you’re against Nazis. Bernie Sanders fully understands this. The real problem is Donald Trump.
 
And more Jews got beat up. Thought we would throw that in as a pick-me-up. 
 
Trump suggests Syria deal with Hezbollah. You need somebody in there that's going to attack Israel.
 
Displaced Lebanese is a problem. Displaced Israelis is not a problem. Another pick-me-up.

They don't understand why Israel attacks people who are shooting at them. Israel. A bunch of ceasefire breakers. Shooting back.
Are these people idiots?! These people that are talking want us gone. It's clear these people are all lying. Trying to come up with anything to get rid of Jews. Another pick-me-up.
 
Kill Jews is now something you’re allowed to say you want to do. It’s fine. As long as you’re not against terrorism.
Guy in LA got one year in jail for killing a Jew at a protest. Many people were mad that he got one year. Did the jury not realize he killed a Jew?!
That’s dark. Hope that’s another pick-me-up for you.
That’s the end of the pick-me-up section this month. Now let’s talk about Turkey.
 
Wait. Turns out Turkey doesn't like us either. 
Turkey foreign minister said “A burden that humanity can no longer bear. A problem the world needs to solve.” What is the problem? Jews. If we have to explain, you’re probably a genocidal colonizing. We ran out of words to say. Abby Martin has it down. She can help you curse Jews.
 
Democrats have voted “we hate Jews.” That’s their platform this election.
They backed off from Nazi tattoo guy, once they realized he was associated with rape. To quote, "He did not rape Jews. And to this, we are very much against him." 
Mamdani is still around, so you know there are problems in New York.
To finish off the message for the Democrats, Rahm Emanuel came to Israel to let his Jewish brothers and sisters know how much he hates them. 


Seems to be the new talk. Nobody can stand Jews. Jews are annoying. Everybody hates them. Seems like all of these anti-Semites have been to our shul. A bunch of members of our synagogue. We as a people have to stop taking our board meetings public.

Katz’s deli bans Mamdani. Hit them where it hurts. No pastrami on rye. That’s how you get them. And people say the Jews aren't fighting back.

A Fatwa was put out on Donald Trump. He wasn't included in the Fatwa on everybody.
​
Lindsey Graham passed away and left-wing people celebrate it, because he stood for peace and a great America. And that is racist.

JD Vance makes it clear that he hates Israel again. He’s extremely bothered that he has to keep on saying this. He wants everybody to know he hates Jews.  
Apparently, Israelis want to keep the war going indefinitely. Israelis love being attacked. And the reason this MOU, which Iran agreed to and did not follow through with, did not work, is because of Israel. Thought we would end on a pick-me-up.
Marco Rubio makes sense. So, we have nothing to say about him.

Conclusion
The Jews did it. Turns out we perpetrated the Spanish Inquisition and the Holocaust. Ask Candace Owens. And we are behind dog racing. Didn’t want to leave out Candace.
 
Jews will be blamed for whatever other people do. Which is why Rachel stops people who are drinking too much alcohol. She's driving home, she doesn't want to be caught for somebody else drinking and driving.

We counted eighty-four ceasefires. Ceasefires are very dangerous. That's when you have to watch yourself.

People truly hate us. And others are starting to believe them. And that is what is called politics.
This JNS TV stuff is a real downer. This proJewish news stuff can truly bring Jews down. We have to start watching more antisemitic news outlets to feel better about ourselves as Jews. As our grandfathers asked their friend reading Jew hating newspaper, “Why do you read Pravda?” “I read the Forward and we’re dying. They’re all trying to kill us. I read Pravda. We’re running the banks. We run the newspapers. We run the world. I feel better.”

Lindsey Graham, a man who stood for truth, justice and peace, should have an Aliyas Nishama, an ascendance of the soul. We hope that's not considered racist.

This is all messed up. This is all bizarre. How people are going for this Jew and Israel hate stuff. We hope this news is a good pick-me-up.
May this be a Tzom Moeel. And may we witness the redemption. We hope that’s not a genocidal thing to say.

Evan was wrong, taking my Mickey Mantle for those Mike Greenwells. And stealing is wrong. I feel like people have to hear that, as Evan still has my Mickey Mantle.
 
From my earliest memories, I can recall that I don't like getting ripped off. It's just something I don't seem to get joy out of. A wedgie, maybe. I have mixed feelings about wedgies.
Ever since I traded my bag of potato chips for a pickle, I have not enjoyed getting shafted. Watching that fourth grader lick the inside of the bag, I knew something was wrong with society. It was then that I learned, there are thieves out there. Trading thieves. And mind you, I didn't like it when the nurse gave that other newborn in the nursery the better nametag. Tyler. Such a cool name. 

Stealing is wrong. And lying to people is stealing. Some things I can’t shake. For some reason, getting stolen from is one of them. The English tutor and going to a psychiatrist because the tutor couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t read, I’ve shaken that. Would I have rather went to the psychiatrist to deal with my Mike Greenwell issues. Yes.
I'm still thinking about the Mike Greenwells and my Mickey Mantle, and the other times I got robbed at gunpoint. I don't get over stuff. I'm still calling it my Mickey Mantle. Forty years later and it's my Mickey Mantle. And my name is still David. Not Tyler.
Felons have infiltrated our trading card hobby. And their name is Evan. 

Maybe this isn't as much of a memoir as my thoughts on Evan. Nonetheless, it's a memory and I need to let it out, so I can reconnect with those good times childhood feelings of a beautiful hobby of kindness and not having a girlfriend. For you.
I hope this helps all of you who have no idea how to negotiate feel better for being an idiot and getting ripped off. Let's talk about how Evan is a thief. Yeah!

Stealing is Forbidden and Evan Should Live and Be Well
Evan is a Ganev. He’s a thief. Lying to a kid about a Mickey Mantle and Mike Greenwell in business makes you a thief. And that's how I understand the legal system. 
That’s why I’m happy I learn Torah. It helps me judge other people. To know they’re going to Gehenim. It's comforting to know there's hell.
After a bad trade, after a bad purchase, we all need to feel better. And the best way to do that is to know the other person is going to hell. Or to say, "Bless their heart. They should live and be well." Which is my aunt cursing them to hell. In Yiddish.
I'm starting to feel a bit better about getting ripped off. Hell just feels right.

The Bible Says It's Stealing 
The Torah explicitly says that ripping people off for their Mickey Mantle is stealing. If you look at the Gematria, study the numbers of the letters, seven is right there. Shabbat is seven, Sabbatical year is seven, and don't lie about Mike Greenwell and take David's Mickey Mantle who is number seven. Those are the exact words in the Torah.
(VaYikra 25:14) “And when you make a sale to your fellow or make a purchase from the hand of your fellow, man shall not wrong his brother.” And that is why Evan owes me the Mickey Mantle. And why I'm still mad the guy charged me over a hundred dollars for an oil change. And why people running slot machines are probably going to hell too. They took six thousand dollars from me in one night. And there wasn't even one Mike Greenwell involved in that deal.
I look to the Torah when I need to feel good about other people being sinners. No matter what side you’re on in a business deal, you’ve got to be honest about the information. Otherwise, you have communism. Evan is the reason for communism.

If you’re both happy with the deal, it’s cool. That's when nobody is wronged. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a Mitzvah. Which is why it's forbidden to do business with your wife.
For us both to be happy is what I strive for in the hobby. Or at least for me to be happy. The problem is it's hard to find people who want Mike Greenwells. 
The reason you can’t do business with your wife is because marriage makes you mad. Neither of you will ever be happy. I had to explain that.
​
Learn Lessons
A hobby that is based on taking advantage of young kids and people who know nothing it's messed up. But that seems to be how you get a Mickey Mantle. 
Be ready for these Evans. We have to fight the Evans.

I learned many lessons over my life. Never listen to a thirteen-year-old. Never trust an eighth grader in business. And don't trust an eighteen-year-old when buying a car. That was when I bought the stick shift that needed a running start. The eighteen-year-old said it was a good idea to buy it because it started once you ran with it a bit. I had to bobsled the car down the street. That will kill your reputation in the neighborhood, and keep you from getting hired. "David. The guy pushing the car down the street. He listened to the eighteen-year-old." "Yeah. I think that idiot traded his Mickey Mantle for Mike Greenwell rookie cards."
And never trust anybody who's older than you, whose name is Evan. Respect your elders but don't trust them if their name is Evan. And never bring your Mickey Mantle to school. And don't do deals when you have a Mickey Mantle at recess.
Why Evan isn't locked up is the problem with our judicial system.

Later On
I still don’t like getting shafted.
There will always be people in the hobby trying to rip you off. And I will get ripped off by them. I learned it all, and I still get ripped off.
I now let it go, I don't rip people off, and I take comfort in hell. If there is one thing I've learned over the last forty years, it's Evan is going to hell. He should live and be well.

Now there are kids ripping me off. I had a kid try to buy five thousand dollars’ worth of graded cards for two hundred dollars. Told me it was "a good deal." He left out the "for me" part.
Just remembered. That guy in San Francisco still owes me money for My Jordan rookie that I sold him online. A Ganev. A liar. He's going to hell. Oh. that makes me feel better. He should live and be well.

I pray every year that Evan has done Teshuva and is broke. I know he hasn’t repented, as he hasn’t returned my Mickey Mantle. He should live and be well.

It's good to get it out. Thank you. I’ve had these thoughts for forty years. From the moment I lost my Mickey Mantle, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I couldn’t focus on reading. The whole time I was thinking about my Mickey Mantle. A good psychiatrist would’ve figured that out. Diagnosis: Evan.
And to all of those who are using the hobby to rip off kids. It's stealing. To those who ripped me off, you're going to hell. Gehenim is the payback to people who ripped me off. You should live and be well.

For Mike Greenwell's sake, let us bring honesty and holiness to the hobby. Something. I'm sick of getting ripped off.
I hope and pray we all repent and make trading cards something enjoyable. Not like pushing a Ford Escort up the block and looking like an idiot. That kid should live and be well.

Some things in life stick with you, and they're all negative. And I like sharing those experiences.
The piece of Ganev that ripped me off when I was eleven years old. He wanted my Mickey Mantle card and he wanted to trade his Mike Greenwells, and for some reason he didn't feel bad lying to me. And that's when I learned, there are jerks in the hobby, and I will hold a grudge for forty years.
This is hard to relive. Have you ever had a horrific experience that brings back bad memories that hurt to think about? Have you ever been to war? Ever been to prison? Ever broke your femur? I have to look at Mike Greenwell cards. Do you know what that feels like? To have to see Mike Greenwell cards?!

Here's the Story
It was recess and we only had fifteen minutes. That's all you get. Fifteen minutes. It's intense. Deals have to happen. That's fifteen minutes and then life is over. You're back in class, and you're dead. That's how I viewed death in elementary school. Studying. You get recess and then you die.

Earlier, on the bus on the way to school, Evan was showing me his book of Mike Greewells. A whole book of Mike Greenwell rookies. It looked glorious with all the beautiful colors. Glorious and dumb. Why would anybody need that many Mike Greewells?!
Evan was telling me how the Mike Greenwell rookie cards are rare. I was wondering how he had seventy of the rare card. How does he have all seventy ever made? How did they all end up in Rochester, New York?
I thought he had the only seventy Mike Greenwells ever made. And he confirmed he had all seventy. And I was amazed.
Turns out there were another seven million Mike Greenwell rookies made. But Evan only knew of the seventy that he had. His seventy were very rare. Nobody else had them. And that's when I learned that "rare" is a state of mind when you're ripping people off.

He buttered me up on the bus. And now it was time for 10am recess. Where deals are made and then you die.

The Deal
We're at recess, not getting exercise. I'm thinking, "I really love my Mickey Mantle card." Evan, the eighth grader is thinking, "I really love his Mickey Mantle card." Evan approaches me, and I said, "No. I think I'm going to keep the Mickey Mantle." And then came the conversation. Evan started with "Mike Greenwell is amazing." I responded with a, "Then why do you want to get rid of his cards?!" Which was a statement that seemed to make no sense to Evan. And that's when I learned that when somebody is trying to take your Mickey Mantle, logic is not part of the discussion.

And the back and forth kept going, with Evan:  
"He hit .300."
"But Mikey Mantle hit over .300 for his career."
"Mike Greenwell hits a lot of singles."
"Who cares about singles? Mickey Mantle hit home runs."
"But Mr. Greenwell focuses on singles. Anybody can hit home runs." He called Mike Greenwell, Mister. Somehow that gave more respect to his cards. I can't disrespect my elders. Mike Greenwell was now a Sir. And Mickey Mantle was never a Sir. "And you're getting seventy cards for one."
"But those cards only cost fifty cents each."
"But it's seventy of them."
"That doesn't make sense. I understand Mr. Greenwell is an excellent man. And he may have been knighted. But with all due respect, Mickey Mantle's card is very valuable."
"Look you're going to lose out on the deal if we don't do it now." Evan was an amazing negotiator. Might have been a thief. Not sure. That deflection was brilliant.
"But it's not a good card."
"But they're rookie cards."
"Rookie cards that nobody cares about. I think it's a good thing to lose out on this deal."
"It's a deal. Deals are good." Evan had a point. From what I remember, deals are good and they don't have anything to do with people taking my Mickey Mantle. "And you're getting a book."
"It's a trapper keeper." Trapper keepers were cool. A binder with Velcro. I would've given the Mickey Mantle for that book. And it had a spaceship on it.
"I'm bigger than you." "I'm bigger than you" is an excellent negotiating tactic. And then Evan added, "He's not playing anymore. That's how bad Mickey Mantle is." I couldn't argue against that. If Mickey was truly that good, he would've been playing late into his sixties. I was sold and Evan was bigger than me.

Evan then took the card. He's now smiling. Jumping for joy. I'm thinking, "This guy lied to me."
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
Evan then said the words that resonate to this day, "I'm happy for you. You ripped me off."
"Something feels off here." But it was convincing. "Why would anybody lie to me. Evan's a good guy."
And that's when I learned, I am a sucker. And people are jerks.

The Problem with Deals
I knew I shouldn't have done it. It all seemed off. He was happy.
The problem is I get caught up in the moment. You couple the older guy lying, the fact recess is almost over, and the rarity of a card that there are only seven million of, and I am now thinking, "I've got to do the deal. The teacher just called us in. I'm going to be dead in a minute."

Now Mike Greenwell was a decent hitter, and I'm sure an even better man. Mike hit over .300 with nineteen home runs. Who would've ever thought he wasn't going to be a star. We were hitting .800 in little league.
We thought he was going to be good. Ever heard of Jerome Walton? Exactly.
​And that's the problem with watching the news. He had one good game the night before the trade. I saw that. I heard Evan. I said "no" and Evan continued. And I felt like I was in a corner. And it was Topps '87. I love the design. Looks like an old card. That's how he got me. "The Mickey Mantle is an old card, but the Topps '87 card looks like an old card. And let's say Mike Greenwell ever makes it to a hundred home runs... that's the Hall of Fame right there." Who in pee wee little league ever hit a hundred home runs?!
And they were Topps. Not even '87 Fleer.

The problem is I felt like I had to do it. Evan said, "We have to trade." "Why do we have to trade? Why do I have to give away a card I love?! ​You want my good stuff. I get it."
But then I saw that recess was about to end. I knew I had to do the trade, as I was about to die. Or go back to class. It's all the same. As a child, I had a morbid view on life.

When Not to Do Deals
Don't do the deal when you hear stuff like, "This is your only chance." As I learned in my old age, you can still live past recess.
When they say, "It's rare. I am the only one who has it, along with seven million other people," it's probably not a great deal.
When somebody else is happy, don't do the deal. If you see the other guy smiling, do not do it. And definitely don't trust anybody who says, "I'm happy for you."

Later On
Now those Mike Greenwell cards are worth nothing, and I still hate Evan.
Mike Greenwell was injured for most of his career. Evan probably encouraged him to get injured. And I credit the fact that I'm in debt to that jerk in eighth grade and Mike Greenwell striking out. Every problem I have in life goes back to Mike Greenwell and Evan.

Evan ruined my trust in people. I don't trust anybody that's "happy for me."
Now I trust nobody. I go to the bakery, get a Danish, they smile at me, I know they're ripping me off. They say, "Have a good day." I scream back, "Ganev." They probably have a Mickey Mantle stashed somewhere.
​I go to the shuk. I know I'm getting ripped off. I'm sure every kiosk in the shuk has a Mickey Mantle hidden somewhere.
Evan is looking at his framed Mickey Mantle every night. Basking in the glory of me having to look at Mike Greenwells.
And every night, before I go to sleep, I pray to Gd and say, "I forgive anybody who wronged me, but the Ganev who traded me the Mike Greenwells." 

I'm still holding this in my heart. Shows how long resentment can last. 
​And I still get ripped off.

Mike Greenwell was a great person. Yeah. 
As a person, he was better than Mickey Mantle. How the Hall of Fame didn't take that into account. Mickey might have been great too. But I think Mike Greenwell was a better guy. At least on par. That's how I collected. It was about the player's Midot.
Mike Greenwell was a great dad. Not as good of a baseball career. Because he focused on his family.

***Mike Greenwell was a great player who gave the Boston Red Sox hope. He should be Zoyche to bask in Gd's glory in Olam Haba.
In the Hall of Fame of Olam Haba. And the cards have still not gone up.

Here is a high school story about a fight with Jews on Lag BOmer. A little feel-good story about Jews fighting to get your mind off Jews getting attacked.
​
Fights Start at Friendly's
The story begins Saturday night, spring of 1993, Rochester, New York. Town of Brighton. The year of me in high school. That's what happened that year. And gel and mousse. Dep was still big. I was in Yeshiva at the time. There were no girls, so we fought a lot.
We were at Friendly's. The Kosher restaurant that wasn't Kosher. The Jewish kids were out enjoying Friendly's ice cream with whipped cream, chocolate fudge, sprinkles, rainbow and chocolate, a cocktail cherry on top. That's how bad the ice cream was. You ordered it and made sure they added everything. Tried to make it taste like Carvel. And you would get a banana in there for health reasons.

The Jewish kids consisted of Yeshiva guys from Brooklyn and some of our buddies that went to Brighton High School. The public school for the rich kids. Those were our wealthier friends that I grew up with. Their parents had a lot of money, so they sent their kids to public school. The parents who had no money paid for private school. It’s a Mitzvah somewhere in the Talmud to give all your money to the Yeshiva.
And then there were other high school kids. When other high school kids show up somewhere, there is a problem. They other kids also went to Brighton.
These other kids were eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Not Kosher. Goyim. I could already feel the tension. Why they weren't at Perkins, to this day, I can't tell you. They just wanted to cause problems. That's the only justification for not going to Perkins. 

Our friend in Brighton, Mike, gets called to the parking lot for a fight. Something must’ve happened in Brighton that week. Maybe they had classes.
We all head to the parking lot, thinking, "That's a good idea. I finished my ice cream."  I'm saying, "Maybe we shouldn’t watch Mike fight in the family establishment." They're all saying, "It's outside. And we ate the fudge already."
WCW Saturday Night at Friendly's. A parking lot match. Sounded cool. We were all into wrestling. If we had phones, we would've been filming it. We would've filmed it just in case somebody got hurt real bad, and we could have something to post.

Mike and this other kid start fighting. I'm like, "I feel like I'm living The Outsiders. I will not get involved." And like The Outsiders, we greased up our hair. We used gel. And then covered it up with our Yarmulkes. It was the early '90s. You wanted your hair to be firm under the Kippah.
Mike takes the Jew hater in a figure-four leglock. Mike is winning the fight. I was proud of Mike. All those years watching the World Championship Wrestling paid off. And Jews think Krav Maga is an excellent form of self-defense. I can tell you, they don't teach you the Tombstone Piledriver at Krav Maga.

We called the kid a Jew hater, because that's what people who take up booths on Saturday night at Friendly's are. Jew haters.
Jew hater's friends get into their cars, start driving their cars mid-fight. And the match iss stopped. Hulk Hogan never fought against a car.
 
Mike won that match. But it wasn't over. Mike's hair got messed up. Things were serious. And somebody called the police. If there is a reason to hate the cops, it's because they stop fights.

Fights Don't End at Friendly's
​Fight isn’t over. Apparently, the guy called Mike a Jew that week in school. And you don’t call a Jew a Jew.
Mike and the Jew hater both had cars, so neither of them was scared to continue the fight. Everybody at Brighton had to take sides. I believe the head of school was with the Jew haters.
So a fight is planned. 

Mike and our Brighton friends want the Yeshiva guys in the fight. The Yeshiva guys are from Brooklyn and everybody saw Goodfellas. They all know, it's not how you fight, it's how you talk. And they were scary. “What’d he say?!” You hear that from 5’2” Yankel, you're running. Yankel breeds fear. 
The Yeshiva guys joined because they felt it was important to be in a fight. They heard there was a fight. Somehow, that’s a Mitzvah. It's a Mitzvah to pay for Yeshiva and to fight. That and our math teacher said you have to stick up for your religion. And our math teacher was twenty-four. So, we listened to him.

The Battle
It's Lag BOmer. The Yeshiva celebrates with a baseball game. We're playing softball with the rabbis. Next thing I know, Brighton is at our Yeshiva game. I had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bystander who somehow knows a lot of idiots.
The public school planned to show up to our game at the park, to fight. Brilliance. Show up to the Yeshiva softball game for a brawl with the rebbes.

Now there are girls at our Yeshiva Lag BOmer party, not dressed properly. Not one of them had a black hat. Not even a white shirt and slacks. How they were going to play baseball, I have no idea.
Between us, after the fight, I petitioned to have girls in our Yeshiva.

My other good friend from Brighton, Nachum, roles up with a trunk full of bats. Fifty bats. Over the week and a half, he joined the Jewish Mob. He saw Goodfellas too.
Maybe he was planning a circus act. Maybe he was planning on handing a few bats to the other side. Just in case they forgot to bring their bats. Maybe he was worried the Yeshiva guys didn't have enough bats for the softball game. Was it for the Lag BOmer bonfire. I’ve seen kids in Israel burning closets and couches. You can buy bats and burn those. Anything to not expend energy to cut wood. All I know is that he had fifty bats in his trunk.
The rest of us had been watching wrestling. We were ready. We didn't need bats. We were going to body slam our opponents.

On the other side, I see Allison. "What is Allison doing rooting for the other side? We go to the JCC together." Turns out it was Jews on the other side. The anti-Semites were Jews. And they don't even go to shul. Why would you hate Jews if you don’t have to see them at shul.

The rabbis are there. For some reason, the rabbis don't think the fight is a good idea. The rabbis are older than twenty-four. Which is why we didn't listen them.
Our Minahel, head of the Beit Midrash, tells us we shouldn't fight. "The only thing that comes out of fighting is broken arms." He didn’t know about the figure-four leglock. 
Our Musar rabbi, who teaches morality, pulls the Jew hater kid aside, thinking, “Nachum has fifty bats in his trunk. Now is a good time to teach.” He asks the Jew hater, “Why do you hates Jews.” Fitting question for a Jew hater.Jew hater says, “I don’t hate Jews. I hate Mike.” And we’re all like, “Everybody hates Mike.”

Postscript
Why Mike is representing Judaism still baffles me to this day. But I can tell you. He is a Jew.
And that is what happened. Absolutely nothing. Until we got home and got in trouble. And just like in The Outsiders, we all got grounded.

Nachum is now a landlord who works in low income housing units. He carries a gun, and fifty bats in his trunk.
Mike still uses Dep. I think Dep was the real reason for the fight.
To this day, Mike is the reason for antisemitism.

Lessons Learned
Jews hate Mike.
Rabbis will ruin a good fight. 
​Don't eat at Friendly's unless if you're ready to fight.​
It was on through the flames of that Lag BOmer bonfire, I learned that nothing exciting will ever happen in my neighborhood.

What I gathered from the second month of war.

The IRGC noticed they didn't bomb some countries, so they attacked Cyprus. They didn't want to leave anybody out. They are very inclusive about who they attack. Equitable. You don't have to be an enemy. Nobody should feel left out.
And this is why many left-wing Americans support them. The IRGC is equitable with who they massacre, execute and aim ballistic missiles at.

The new Ayatollah is brought out to the people. Cardboard. He's made of cardboard. I knew it. 

According to the UK armed conflict is only legal if the UK gets attacked. And you're allowed to attack Jews in Britain. You can stab them. And you can blow up Jewish stuff. They're Jews.

Strait of Hormuz. Never heard of that. Stocks go down. Now I heard of it. 
First time in my life, I care about gas.

The American far right is formed. Turns out they're Democrats.
Tucker Carlson claims that Israel bombed Saudi Arabia and Qatar. It turns out they didn't. But they still did. Ask Tucker. Somehow that makes sense.
It turns out you can blame Jews for anything. You do not need to be correct. You should still blame the Jews. If you're lucky, it will lead to more terror attacks against Jews.
It's the Jews' fault.

Iran is still ruining flights.
Jews go through Egypt to fly out of Israel. The extent that Jews are willing to sacrifice themselves to leave Israel. It's the story of the Exodus relived. The commitment of the American Jew to not be in Israel. ​The resolve of our people to get out. It's reminiscent of the Jews in the desert.
The conviction is praiseworthy. For Aliyat LRegel, the pilgrimage holiday of Pesach, all made sure to be in Florida this year. 

American negotiations with Iran do not go well. Not blaming anyone. For whatever reason, negotiating with people who want to kill you is not easy.
The English of the IRGC commanders isn’t good. The IRGC thinks America is telling them they can’t have any Iranian in Iran. The IRGC is saying, “We already have 60% Iranians.” This uranium issue will never get solved. 
 
Car rams synagogue in New York. It's starting to feel like London. New Yorkers are hoping this will improve the subway queues.
Mamdani is fine with it. Jewish New Yorkers who voted for him are happy, as everybody should have the right to get run over.

New York protest gets attacked. TATP, known as Mother of Satin, is used. News anchors call them out. “These idiots mixed Mother of Satin wrong.” The news goes off on the right way to mix it. “If you’re going to follow ISIS, follow them right.” Now every kid in America knows how to make Mother of Satin correctly. Thanks to Fox News, American children are finally educated.
First terror attack in a while that has nothing to do with Jews. Jews are blamed. 
It's the Jews and Israel.

It's easier to say "it’s Israel’s fault." You can always blame Jews. If you're losing, blame the Jews. And add "the" to "Jews." It gets out that much more hate. The Jews!
 
American left is still angry about ICE. I thought with the war, it was ISIS. Nope. They're mad about the cold weather in Minnesota. Ice is annoying. We have to deal with that in Upstate New York as well.
Love it. Got the Iranian Uranium pun. Now we're working with ICE and ISIS. I love ices.

NATO doesn't help at all. Now they want oil. They don't help. NATO bit. We're rolling with the puns today. NATO bit. Not a bit. Brilliance. Thank you. 

The Oscars brings out all of Hollywood, to celebrate how much they hate Donald Trump. They also gave awards to some movies so the actors can blame Israel. "And the next Oscar goes I hate Israel and Jews." "And Genocide: The Evils of Defending Your People and Trying to Save Gazan Children While Hamas is Trying to Kill You."

Shuls are being attacked. That seems to be not an issue.
Our shul beefs up security with a committee. If any terrorist attacks our shul, we will make them pay dues.

More people killed, massacred and executed by the IRGC in Iran. They're not military, so it's fine.

Saleh Mohammadi, Iranian wrestler, is executed for not being happy with his government. Many Americans who hate America and Donald Trump seem to be pro this execution, as it is wrong to be against your government.
Iranian women soccer players in Australia have to go back to Iran. You can only execute and rape people properly in Iran. It's just a shame that "bushy beard and smile" of the Ayatollah Khomeini wasn't there to greet them.

Palestinians are hit by ballistic missile. Dead. Everybody is happy Iran did it. First thing not called genocide in two and a half years.

Israelis are in bunkers for a month and a half. Again. The IRGC is shooting at civilians, so it's OK. We've established that.

More Iranian women are gang raped. Then they're executed. That's fine. The American left is fighting for human rights, and they believe that all women who protest should be properly raped before execution.
 
Strait of Hormuz is blocked. It was the Jews. Again.

This war is Biblical. Ilam is Iran and rabbi's are using this whole thing to do Kiruv.

There is a ceasefire which means Iran attacks.
And Hezbollah attacks Israel. And the Jews get blamed. And the ceasefire between America and the IRGC was meant for Israel to stop defending itself.

Every member of Hezbollah and Hamas are journalists. That’s a hundred-fifty-thousand journalists. Highest number of journalists ever reported. Turns out that sending people to battle with cameras. Not effective.
And now we have proof that journalists are terrorists.

That's four-hundred-eighty hours of Youtube logged since the beginning of the war. 

The IRGC will not give up. Navy is gone. They’re now attacking in rowboats. I believe they stopped a ship from getting through the Strait of Hormuz with a paddle. Got an oar. Splashing the ships.
Swimming out to aircraft carriers with life vests. Attacking with paper airplanes. They will not use cardboard. Cardboard is holy. You do not attack with the Ayatollah. From the first time I saw him, I knew he was cardboard.
Cardboard is not a reference to homosexuality.

Donald Trump keeps talking about making a deal. He wants to make a deal. America is at war and he wants to bargain for Chochkies.

The real problem. Gas prices are up.

Conclusion
Israel will be blamed no matter what. That’s what we learned from the war, again. Blame the Jews. And it feels good to blame the Jews. If you're ever down. Having a hard day. Get it out. THE JEWS!!!

It's the Jews who voted for Mamdani. I just tried screaming "Mamdani." That's a good way to get out anger too. Got to spread that. MAMDANI!!! Might help skew some of the Jew hate.

If you are at all connected to the IRGC do not become an athlete. It's not good to be an athlete in Iran. If I ever go professional, I am not joining the IRGC Cup league. I will not fall for that.
And do not become a journalist. They will throw you on the front-lines. The whole Hezbollah army is journalists. Only journalists. Every perpetrator of October 7th, a journalist.

​​You can have a lot of fun with the Iranian Uranium joke. If you don't have an American accent, they sound close enough.

This is what happened the first few days of the war. Or what I gathered from the news.

Iran massacres five to fifty-five thousand of their people in two days, depending on your news source. IRGC Foreign Minister Araghchi claims it was only around five thousand innocent people that were massacred and executed. Which is not an issue.
President Trump told the Iranian people, "I have your back." The Iranian people are like, "Where is Donald Trump?! I don't see him. My back is right here. And they're shooting at it."
The IRGC is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and they run Iran, and I am confused. I thought the "I" was for "Iranian." Ilhan Omar thought the "I" meant "one."
And it's all Israel's fault.

The IRGC has enriched uranium, which would be a problem. Donald Trump is president, and so they should be allowed to have it. And that is what I gathered from CNN.

Iran is attacked by America and Israel. Iran responds by shooting ballistic missiles at everybody that is not America. Iran fights back by trying to hit airports. Their military strategy is to kill my vacation plans. 

Khamenei is taken out. New York Times gives a beautiful eulogy for the Tzadik, the righteous man. The kind man that so many looked up to, as he massacred and raped women with an open heart.
The Washington Post misses “his bushy white beard and easy smile,” and his desire to kill everybody in America, and the gifts he gives the children on Christmas.
Mamdani is mourning Khamenei’s death and trying to figure out how he can hate Jews more.
Cenk shows great respect for the Ayatollah who "died on his own two feet.” Which means he died and those were his two feet. Which is to be commended.
  
Everybody blames Jews in Gaza.

The war is not a war. President Trump said it’s not a war. And now he can fight the war.
Let us be clear. This is an operation. The Korean War was an operation. Vietnam, not a war. An operation. America hasn’t fought a war since WWII. Which is really World War Eleven. Finally, Ilhan Omar read that acronym correctly. And we can all agree, Roman numerals are racist.
Americans don't do wars. They do military operations. Procedures. We’re in Iran for medical reasons. 

Alireza Arafi is appointed the new Ayatollah on March first. Pronounced dead Ayatollah on March second. For some reason, nobody wants to be the new Ayatollah.
 
Iran is winning the war. And they have proof. They have a video of them blowing up all of Israel on Grand Theft Auto. 
CNN and the New York Times make it clear that Iran is winning. Their planes and ships are taken out, which means they're winning.
The IRGC leadership being eliminated is part of the war winning strategy. They have now redefined genocide, colonization, aggressors, journalists and what it means to win a war.
And the IRGC continues to threaten America with their gaming abilities, challenging the US military to Call of Duty.

Trump gives press conference about the war in Iran to talk about his new White House ballroom. 

America is blamed for targeting girls’ school on Iran base. It is a very sad situation. America says they didn’t target civilians, as it is wrong to target civilians if you are not Iran. Questions of why a girls' school is on a military base, not a focus.
The IRGC is extremely mad that the US may have killed their citizens. To quote IRGC leadership, "We want to be the ones to kill our people."

Iran attacks every civilian in every country. Nobody cares.
Spike Lee blames Israel. Iran is located somewhere in the Gaza Strip. Greta Thunberg agrees.

Israel is to blame for controlling America. Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens said it. It is thus true.
"If you can't blame Israel, blame Bibi. If you can't blame Bibi, blame the Jews. If you can't blame the Jews, blame the Jews."

America's allies of NATO don't help, and they don't let the US fly through. As such, it's important to keep them as allies. 
 
The air defense systems that Iran got from China don’t work. To quote Cash Jordan, “Because it came from China.” And I still need a new USB cable.


The Democratic Party is bothered by this "unprovoked act of illegal aggression," as Iran has never attacked an American. And that is “a fact.” Tucker Carlson said so.
“Illegal” is now defined as anything Donald Trump does.
Mamdani calls it an "illegal war of aggression." Which bothers people, as "illegal wars of aggression" to defend yourself from people attacking you should only refer to Israel. And Iranians hate Mamdani.
Wait. Mamdani does care. Though he wants their to die, he says he is going to protect the Jews and Iranians of New York. How? By supporting pro-Palestinian protests in synagogues.

AOC calls this a "forever war." From February 28th to March is now defined by all news outlets as "forever." 
A week is now forever. And this is why nobody likes going on car rides with AOC. You're in the SUV for ten minutes, she's asking "how much longer." Complaining, "It's taking forever."
What AOC doesn't seem to understand is this is not a war. It's a procedure.

Araghchi makes it clear that the IRGC is kind and loves its people. The only reason Iranians don't have internet access is because they all support the regime. And the IRGC only kills the Iranian citizens because they love them.

Israel building gets blown up. Gives the American left something to cheer about. It's been too long since somebody tried to assassinate Donald Trump. And not enough massacres of Iranians happened over the course of a week. It felt like "forever."
Israelis are always thankful to Gd. As ballistic missiles come flying in, they keep their positive outlook, singing and dancing in the shelters and in the streets. Because nothing bothers an enemy more than Israeli dancing. That’s how you taunt an enemy. Skipping in circles, hopping back and forth. Goading Iran, with Israeli folk dance twirls. 
 
Palestinians get hit by Iranian ballistic missile. Nobody cares.

Conclusion
Mamdani is against the war because not enough Americans are dying.

Iran is allowed to shoot at civilians. It's a loophole in international law known as "The IRGC is allowed to."
The IRGC rule, "Never attack an army." To quote the UN, “They value the lives of soldiers. They only attack civilians and planes.”

War is illegal if Donald Trump and Israel are part of it. And the law is it’s considered a war crime to fight armies. 
And it's the Jews fault. And it's now a war crime to dance.

They finally found a new Ayatollah. The Ayatollah is a cardboard cutout that is making decisions to execute civilians. The new Supreme Leader is made of fine card stock.
And Donald Trump finds it extremely funny that the devout Muslim leader is homosexual. Which is ironic, as he would have to kill himself. The Democratic Party considers that illegal warfare, and offensive to corrugated paper.

​That's what I gathered from the news. And you’re supposed to hate Jews.

You can't beat the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps regime (IRGC) of Iran. No matter what, you can't win. No Middle Eastern country has ever lost. Never lost a battle. Never lost a war. I don't even think they've lost in the Olympics. Ask them. They've never lost.
Egypt won in 1967. Ask them. “We didn’t want the airplanes. The Sinai was not something we wanted. It's like a desert. And the Suez Canal?! Who needs that... You think we were surprised?! We had our planes so that Israel could blow them up. To save fuel... We attacked them to lose. That's how we won.” You can't beat that. They will always win.
Turkey's president, Erdogan, still thinks he's running the Ottoman Empire.
Let's spend time focusing on what the IRGC has said on the news the past couple weeks. Why? It's fun.

Did you hear Abbas Araghchi, Iran’s foreign affairs minister for the IRGC, saying they're winning. “Navy ships going down. We wanted that. Our plan was to lose our ships. That’s how we like to fight wars... We’re winning the war. It’s good the Ayatollah is dead. We wanted that.” And he was smooth about it. Like their leaders getting bombed was their strategy. "The IRGC leaders thought them getting hit and dying was best for their strategic plan to keep the IRGC in power."
They always want the people to die. That's their tactic. For their people to die and to lose their arsenal. You can't beat that. “That other guy that served for a day. That Ayatollah? We wanted him dead. We told Israel to take him out.”

America thinks they're winning, but no. Araghchi has already won. “And we are going to attack now... With what? Calamitous action." No idea what "calamitous" means here, but it sounds scary. And they will talk like they're winning with that scary Biblical language. "We will now break them like a bolt of iron. We will attack with a force of Ninveh. As has never been seen... We don’t have planes or ships. That is correct. We will use those... Now, it shall to rain down. Sulfur from thunderous skies." They can beat you with nothing.
No munitions and they can still win. It starts to drizzle, you feel a drop of rain, and he's claiming the Ayatollah planned that attack. There is no winning.

You can’t beat these guys. Have you ever heard of an Iranian losing a judo match? No. They can’t lose.
If they’re losing the war, they’ll beat you at gaming. You see the footage of you losing the battle you won. They have gamers streaming Grand Theft Auto, blowing up US aircraft carriers with rocket launchers. And they will share that. Animated wins are wins. The IRGC counts those.

You can’t make them look bad. Their ambassador on BBC is going off on how the IRGC is kind. BBC is asking, “But you killed your people. You slaughtered the children.” He’s got the answers. “That was because of the US and Israel.” “But they didn’t start the war yet.” "We knew they would. You see we are democratic.” “But you disconnected the internet.” “We communicate by phone in Iran... We all agree. A hundred percent. We share the same opinion.” “But there are protests. Protests against you.” “But they still agree.”
The IRGC ambassador goes on, "We’re a democracy. Do you see any protests now?" “No. Because you killed them.” “But we let them protest.”
This guy is selling one opinion. One opinion for everybody in the country. What the opinion is about, we don’t know. But they all agree. He'll tell you, “We all like Tahdig.”  
The BBC anchor continues, “What about the women?” “They’re treated very well. They can express their opinions.” “But you killed them.” “Because their life in Iran wasn't good. Under the regime. Very bad. An act of kindness. Would you want to live like that. Under a regime like ours.”
How he turned that last one. Brilliance. I can't say that all of what I am documenting is verbatim.

They can change any story. They're even saying it’s wrong to target civilians. How that happened? How? The IRGC targets civilians, killing thousands of children on a regular day in winter, and then makes an uproar about killing civilians. And the BBC, CNN and New York Times are in agreement. It’s perplexing.  Perplexing and brilliant.
Shooting at Kuwait and the UAE, the IRGC explains, "There was an American military base at the hospital... Well, we thought there was. That's where we put our bases. Hospitals, schools, airports." "Is that right?" "When we do it." The CNN clearly understands the logic.
CNN commentators are explaining, "We want to make it clear. Targeting civilians is wrong, when it's not the IRGC or Hamas, or Hezbollah. As are US strikes at an IRGC military installment. Committing another war crime." And that somehow sells. You cannot beat these guys. The US will get blamed for not targeting civilians.
Press the IRGC about civilian killing being wrong, you hear, “We aimed at US military bases.” “But the target was a thousand kilometers off.” “We have bad aim.” You can’t win. They make targeting and massacring civilians sound good. You can’t beat these guys. 

If you don't lose to Iran, you will lose to CNN and BBC. They will make you look bad. "And Donald Trump saves millions of lives. Iranians are free. They can now choose their future. Americans will never be held hostage again. There is peace in the Middle East." "How dare he!!!"
And if their regime goes down. “We were always pro democracy. We only killed the protesters for democratic purposes.” And that will make sense to the BBC anchor.

War will be over. The eighth Ayatollah will be in his flat in Britain, watching a series on Netflix, taking interviews with BBC, smoking a hookah. "We won." "But you're on your couch. Can't even go to Iran to visit." "I wanted out of Iran. That was the plan. Have you seen what the IRGC did to that country?!"

So why are we in this war? To win.

Postscript
This one just happened on CBS. A little extra treat of Iran winning. Araghchi is on Face the Nation, keeping a straight face. "America is committing war crimes." Just brilliant.
Margaret Brennan goes on, "Why are you sending drones into countries that are not involved and aiming at civilian targets?" Araghchi continues, "Well obviously, they know Americans. Ever met an American. They're very annoying." "You are aiming at civilian targets." "It's a fact we're only aiming at American targets. We just have very bad aim.” He keeps on stating facts now, “The Strait of Hormuz is not closed. It's a fact. People are just scared to go because they're scared of the US." "But you are the ones blowing up the ships." That comment stopped that part of the conversation.
When asked why he has internet access and the people don’t, Araghchi answered, "I have access to internet because I am the voice of the Iranian people… They have no internet access because of security." He said that all with a straight face. Deadpan. The guy is brilliant.
 
If we’ve learned anything, just repeat anything a Middle Eastern diplomat says, and you can get a laugh. Araghchi is brilliant. Great delivery. Says all of it with such a straight face.

Due to the physical threat to our people and terrorism, we need the member security teams. And this is why Freida, Bernice and Ethel Finkelman are out there. Protecting our people. Let me just say that the membership security team does not make me feel safe. Every one of them, sitting outside of shul with their walkers.

Our shul security force. I just don't know how much I trust it. Maybe I'm a skeptic. Bernie needs somebody to help him stand. Bernie has a walker with a seat. He can't move without assistance. 
Freida and Ethel are not scaring the anti-Semites away. I don't know if attackers will be deterred by Ethel Finkelman. Though, she has a very nice smile. She can ask where they are from. Offer them lunch. Freida and Ethel will definitely make the anti-Semite feel comfortable at our shul. And I know they do a fine job of inviting them in for services. 
To round out the team, we have Sam there for conversation. He's not checking anybody. He's discussing politics and his thoughts on the new addition to the JCC with the others. Sam is truthfully just trying to get out of shul.
The only person under seventy-eight on the team is Amanda. She likes to check the bags to see their make. She's very into fashion. She held up one lady at the door for fifteen minutes before she let her in. She had a Louis Vuitton Capucines bag. 

How did we get here? A committee. A committee had a meeting and made the decision that they should be doing security. Each one of them has a graduate degree in social sciences or medicine. And they are all retired. So, they felt that works for security.
Our security team is definitely friendly. They're very into Hachnasat Orchim. And they would definitely not let the Mitzvah of inviting guests pass on a terrorist. Who they would make sure stayed for Kiddish. And that worries me.

They're CSF and they're taking it seriously. They have a name. They've acronymized it. They're actually serious about protecting us.
CSF. Congregant Security Forces. You've got to acronymize that. Other than rabbis, nobody is scared when they hear "congregant." The only time I'm scared of a congregant at my shul is if I'm sitting in his seat. They will attack you.
The CSF members are also hitting the gym. I see them at the Jewish Community Center. They're in the weight room, talking. The most out of shape people. I've never seen such a big group of people who all go to the gym for social reasons. On the treadmills, enjoying a good conversation over a stroll. Sitting on the Cybex machines because the equipment is comfortable. I heard Sam going off, "Bernie. Mendel. You've got to try this one. Excellent cushions."

This is when I knew the committee was not the right one to make these decisions.
Recently our shul started discussing new seats. I overheard Sam expressing his thoughts on the matter to a possible predator.
Many wanted pews. It turns out the shul can't get pews because they don't have armrests. Why does our shul need armrests? Turns out that nobody needs them for their arms. They don't need them for comfort reasons. They needed the armrests because membership wouldn't be able to stand without them. They need to brace themselves on the armrests. Push off with their hands. And that is how they are able to stand. They can't stand without armrests. And these are the people protecting us from attacks. People who can't stand with their legs.
I think the last thing I heard Fran say last Shabbat was, "Oy. My back."

Thank Gd we had a random guy show up for services last Shabbat. It gave the CSF crew something to do. And they showed how good they are with people.
Ethel was asking the guy where he's from. What he does for a living. She made him feel at home. Truly showed interest in the guy and his family.
If there was a terrorist, Ethel would be able to give you his lineage. What town in the Middle East he's from. She would know his favorite local restaurant.
Truth is, our security should be doing CIA work. With the amount they talk, they will get the information you need.

The shul security forces are friendly. And they should be praised for that. I've never felt so comfortable with security. Most of the time security guards are serious, standing there with no smile, taking care of securing the area. Not our security team. They smile. They make you feel welcome. Chas vShalom, they would never make an attacker feel bad.
At least they're good at asking questions. I was at my brother's shul in Teaneck. That was the first time anybody there ever asked me anything about myself. If it wasn't for Penina Shaina being on the security team, I would've said they were a very not friendly shul.

I think they're great for the shul. As a welcoming crew, CSF would be great. I'm just worried about acute security risks that can't be taken care of with a bit of shmoozing and mingling.
The CSF team is so out of shape. I've seen their vacation pictures. Our security staff should never post their Florida pictures in those bathing suits. How they can smile with that much excess body weight, when everybody else who doesn't work security somehow looks decent. And I am not security shaming. I just question how they're going to protect us.

If there is a geriatric attacker, we might have a chance. Bernie and Ethel will take them down. They took the security course. They know what they're doing. We are in good hands if we get attacked by a terrorist with a rollator.
Any assailant that can walk, we have problems. 

I hope I didn't expose our security weaknesses.
On the positive, Bernie does have an aid with him. She might be able to impede the attacker.
It’s a welcoming committee. Our shul finally has a welcoming crew. One that shows interest in you and where you come from. One that asks questions about why you're at shul today. People who are finally curious to know about you and what's in your bag. Members are finally getting the attention they need.
And at least people are now showing up to shul. They're not in shul Davening. But they're there. Talking to Sam in the hallway.

This is how I recall 2025.

There is still antisemitism.

Donald Trump became president. Israel is acknowledged as a country again. Around two-thousand years from the destruction of the Temple to 1948. And then four years from Joe Biden to 2025.
Iran goes from being a kind ally to America unleashing proxy wars on Israel to all of the sudden not being a good guy. And I am very confused. I thought the Ayatollah was on our side.

War with Iran and Ben Gurion is shut down for a few days. Iran can truly kill your summer plans. The Ayatollah ruins people’s vacations. That's what that guy does. And that cannot be forgiven. And it's time for revolution. 
Diaspora Jews blame Iran for not visiting Israel the last fifteen years. It appears they were all planning to go this past summer. And Iran ruined it for them. 

Something positive must’ve happened. I think. It will come.
 
Tucker Carlson and Dave Chappelle remind everybody that the Jews own everything. It’s a fact. Candace Owens said so. And the Jews are running Qatar.

War ends in Gaza but it is still going on. I am more confused as the year goes on.
No idea how this works. Jews discuss this for the next few months, as they get attacked during the ceasefire.
Israel is then blamed for keeping to the ceasefire agreement.
As a Jewish nation we learn the new meaning of words and ideas. Now, according to media sources, a ceasefire is supposed to be a unilateral move. The other side does not have to keep to the agreement. Only one side must follow the agreed upon agreement of the two sides.

Hamas executes their own people. Israel is blamed for that too.

Somehow the price of Shmurah Matzah went up. Nobody thought that was possible. You can find boxes for upwards of two-hundred dollars. And they still come broke.
They haven't figured out a way to sell Shmurah Matzah that comes in whole pieces. Whole Shmura Matzahs were placed in the boxes. They did not stay that way.

Jews are still very excited about charcuterie boards.

Charedim don't join the army. Jews around the world are in an uproar due to the lack of Karlin Stolin Chasid commandos serving in the IDF.

People tried to kill us.

Israel had an election. Must've had an election. If not. That's my mistake. It's just an assumption. I'm used to it. It must've happened this year too.
 
Nick Fuentes is asking why Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson hate Jews so much. Jews are blamed for that too.
Dave Chappelle reminds everybody he hates Jews.
Greta Thunberg. She happened. Again.

As of August, 70% of US hate crimes this year were against Jews. But it's not an issue because it's against Jews. That number has gone up since with Jews from Long Island claiming that flights to Florida are way too high at this time of year.
We approached around ten thousand anti-Semitic incidents this year. One should take pride in their achievements.

For safety, Jewish events continue to not advertise where they are. As a result, less people have showed up to the events. Making them safer. Due to this, more Jewish people have showed to local coffee shops. To quote, “I knew where Starbucks is.”
 
Violence against Jews in New York goes up. Jews are blamed for that.
Jews are blamed for ruining the economy. Because they still have all the money.
Rape is still an acceptable form of expression against Jews.
Mass killings of Jews is debatable in world view, as it's an expression of culture. And you have to be considerate to Islamist culture.
 
France, again, overtakes the Jewish Agency and Nefesh BNefesh as the best promoters of Aliyah.

Every American has formed a strong opinion about Israel and the Middle East based on what they heard from Dave Chappelle.

It turns out that Hamas terrorists are considered journalists according to international law. Therefore, it's a war crime to shoot at them. When a journalist is shooting an RPG at you, you're not allowed to shoot back, as they may report on it later, at some point. Hamas said so, therefore it is fact. It also turns out that many members of Hamas are part of UNRWA. Which means Hamas is an organization of integrity.
Muslims are allowed to lie. Which is why the media has reported everything they have shared as fact. They lied about it, therefore it is true.

Hostages are released and the Bibas family is brought to their resting place. Our people come together in tears. And that means Hamas is kind.

Leftwing military personnel try to show the worst of Israel. To quote, “That is how you do Hasbara. You show the worst soldiers who commit alleged acts of abuse. You take that video and show that to the world. Then the world will see how beautiful Israel is.”
Maybe people who read Haaretz should not be part of the military. When you want your people to lose the war, and want Mamdani for mayor of New York, and if you think Arab Chumus is better than Jerusalem Chumus, maybe you shouldn't be on the frontlines with your Israeli brethren. It's kind of hard to be in the middle of battle wondering if the guy next to you is going to share your picture, holding a gun, with the international news sources. You don't want to have to ask, "That guy is shooting at us. Is it a war crime to shoot back? Does protecting our country land me in jail?" You don't want to have to ask the guy to stop filming, put down his phone, and to start shooting."
 
The lawmakers of Israel are still focused on Bibi’s smoking habits. They feel that if they can lock him up for smoking a cigar the world will love Israel.
 
Anti-Semites decide you can’t claim antisemitism anymore.
 
Starbucks is apparently not pro Jews getting murdered. Now people hate Jews and coffee.
It turns out it's the Jews. That's the reason Starbucks employees aren't making enough. I personally do not tip very well. I didn't know their salary was dependent on me. And now I understand that I am the cause of the continued hatred of Jews.
 
And Donald Trump and Bibi wear the same red tie at the conference to end the year. The naysayers are correct. They wore the same tie. Thats a bromance. They are in cahoots.
 
And they tried to kill us. Again.
 
I’m sure there was something positive. It hasn’t hit me yet.

Do not go to the mall for your Chanukah experience. ​I was walking through the mall, got home, and I found myself humming songs about mistletoe. And that was in August. That seems to be when they start celebrating Christmas. 
I was shopping for Chanukah. Not fun when you have to buy stuff for family. And I realized I can't enjoy shopping for Chanukah in the malls of Upstate New York. There is nothing Jewish, other than Christmas songs written by Jews. 
You can't have a Jewish experience shopping. They have taken over every store. Even the CVS logo now is red and white.

It's all Christian. They decorate the mall with every Christmas reef and pine tree, and red pair of socks they can find. Then you see a Chanukah night light they found at the Dollar Tree. Stores are decked out in red and white, and a tiny Chanukiah in the corner. A little electric Chanukiah, just in case the lights on the Christmas tree go out. Got their huge tree and a Chanukiah ornament for the Jews, to let the Jews know they can shop at JCPenney. 
Christians deck. They deck out the whole area. Decking halls. Jews, we place. We have been relegated to the placement of an electric Chanukah Menorah.

Don't take the kids to the mall for the holiday experience. It turns out Santa is not Jewish. That was a shocker the first time I found that out. It's called Ma'arat Ayin. He’s got the beard, but then he's got the red hat. That should've been a dead giveaway right there. It might have been because I was used to the Chabad rabbi with the Tefillin in that spot at the mall.
The mall will try to do a lot of stuff to make the holidays good for all. And that means that Santa will also let Jewish kids sit on his lap. How Santa gets away with that?! Our rabbi once shook a kid's hand and got fired.
I for one don’t consider it a Chanukah experience to have our children lighting a Chanukiah night light with Santa and his elves, on Santa's recliner. And then he gives the Jewish kids gifts too. On his recliner?! He’s creepier than the candy man at our shul. It’s called proselytizing.
They even claimed candy canes. You can't even even eat candy now without being a heretic. Nothing for your Jewish kid to enjoy. Nothing blue. All red. The mall is all Christian stuff and a blue snow cone. If you're lucky. And they probably don't sell those during the Christmas season. Which starts in July.

They can't even give us Chanukah. We can't get eight days. Just eight days. Still hearing the Christmas songs on the radio. The mall is blasting Christmas songs. And the Jews now write these songs now. Might as well write the songs. "If you can't beat them, make money off them." That's what I say.
They start playing the Christmas songs half a year in advance. Thanks to Mariah Carey they now have enough songs. "Twelve Days of Christmas." Their song should be "Twelve Months of Christmas with Mariah Carey."
It's Chanukah and they're celebrating Christmas. They're offended if you wish them a Happy Hanukah. Even leaving out the "Chet," they get offended. You have to say "Happy Holidays" on Chanukah, a month before Christmas.

And shopping for the kids isn't fun. For some reason, I don't like spending all of my money.
My advice. Don't go shopping. Don’t buy your kids anything. If there is one thing that ruins the holiday, it’s going broke on a new gaming console. For some reason, something that can make your kids feel so good can make your feel so bad.
And now that Christmas Tree Shops went out of business. I can't go anywhere to get my Chanukah stuff. The best place you could find in Upstate New York to find Chanukah decorations was the Christmas Tree Shops. And now that it's gone, I have to ask Santa to help me get some Chanukah gifts.

I expected to see something Jewish at the mall. Nothing. The closest thing I saw was a two for one sale at Kohl's. And that was at a strip mall. Santa doesn't sit at strip malls in Upstate New York. After the first four months of Christmas, it gets to cold outside. 
Can't even buy clothes. I wanted a sweater. They've cornered the sweater market. All Christmas. Even the Chanukah sweater was a Christmas sweater. A woven Christian Chanukiah. I can't buy anything knitted till after the first of January. 
And then I was thinking of sending my friend a holiday card. Nope. Can't do that either. No Chanukah cards. Just Christmas cards. Nothing.
Everywhere. They're even wearing the hats in November. In November now. They encroach on us. Can't give us anything. Christmas is supposed to be one day. And the Santa hats don't even keep you warm.

I was trying to find Chanukah candles. That's what led to this. I needed Chanukah candles. Couldn't find them anywhere. Not even at Wegmans supermarket. Though, the Kosher section had tinsels. Then, I show up at Target. Thank Gd they have all that Christmas stuff there. They had just enough Christmas stuff to be able to justify their Menorah candle bin in the corner, next to the Silly Putty.

All I am asking for is eight days to wish people a Chanukah Sameach. The rest of the year, enjoy Christmas.
I just want some Chanukah. Something. Everything is red and white. Stop signs. They even have stop signs. Every time I need to slow my car down, I'm reminded of Christmas. For eight days. That's all I ask. Blue and white stop signs for eight days.
One song. Even have a Jew write us our song. Something Jewish. Something about Chinese food. Eight days of something other than a Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" and the Dreidel song. Something other than the Dreidel song, which I am sure has something to do with Christmas.

With all this, I want to thank Chabad for trying to bring the Chanukah spirit to my shopping experience. Chabad, fighting for the Army of H', brought in one of those huge Chanukiahs. An eighth of the size of the Christmas tree. I know they did, because I peeked behind the tree, pushed aside the branches, and was able to see one of the candles, giving an extra glow to the ornaments.

​I understand if you can't avoid Christmas. It's everywhere. If you have to, do what you can and make your Christmas at the mall a Chanukah experience.
Go to the mall and sit on Santa's lap yourself. When was the last time you sat on a grown man's lap?! Ask Santa to talk to the rabbi about making his sermons shorter. Maybe write a song about deer and snow, and make money. They've claimed snow too.
Go shopping in January, during the first month of Christmas, when they have the sales. Make it a positive Jewish experience. Give your kids Chanukah gift cards so they can enjoy Chanukah after Chanukah.
And that is how Yeshiva Week began.

As a Jew, what is American. That is the question. It was just Thanksgiving, I was just down in Nashville, Tennessee, and I am inspired. I am inspired to talk about what truly is American, and that is The Lower East Side. That’s America. 
I've done much soul searching as to my heritage. My Pinte LYid wants to share with you. Join me in becoming a better Jew. Let's spend some time going into detail of what really makes us American. Our Gishmak history and half sour pickles.

New York is American. New York Kosher Style pizza is America's main cuisine. Some people who aren't Jewish forget that. They even consider deep dish pizza American. They have no idea what they're talking about. 
Deli, bagels, lox, pickles and anything else that sounds anti-Semitic when you're talking about Jews. American. Borscht. Schav. Belch Vassar. American. Taking what Americans do, such as burping, and saying it in Yiddish, and then drinking it. That is at the foundations of American life.
Pickles out of a barrel is very American.

Hollywood. That's America. Movies with intermarriage are very American.
Is there any greater feeling than seeing a guy with a Yarmulke on the screen. No. The answer is no.
The Borscht Belt. That's American. Naming your activities after a dish your mother made. Oy. How Americans have forgotten their native cuisine. 
Borscht and entertainment, it doesn't get better than that. Nu!!!

Fast food is American. And that means choolante out of a bowl on Thursday nights. Premade. Ready when you get there. It’s the most American thing you can do. Would America exist without Monsey?!

Sports are American. Baseball is America’s pastime. But America’s game is stickball. That's what our ancestors played. Trying to hit a pink ball with your mom’s broom is fundamental to our culture. Joy when you reach the second sewer. No greater feeling.
Yelling “Game off... Game on,” is American. Traffic patterns as part of the competition. Watching out for oncoming cars is at the root of American athletics. 
Paper football. Very American. I have never seen kids play that in Israel. It's American.

Hot dogs. They sell those in delis. American.

Shmatas. The Shmata business. Rags in the form of a $1,500 blazer. Towels as evening wear. Very expensive rags on sale for a lot of money.
Where the name comes from? Parents who knew their children would amount to nothing. Your parents belittling your factory because Jewish parents don't believe their kids have any abilities, American. "My kid is pulling in a million dollars in the Shmata business... He hires people who know how to do the work."
It is unAmerican to believe your child will accomplish anything. Yet, you are still the greatest.

Sales are American. Signs saying "sale." Getting the sales price yelled at you is what they do in other countries.
Bloomingdales knew what they were doing. They knew what their people needed. 

Working in a sweat factory. That is the American dream. For years, Europeans dreamed of coming to America to work in sweatshops. And this is why we feel so bad when we hear that people in other countries get to work in a sweatshop. That's our dream.

Blaming Jews is American.
Beeping at Jews is American.
Yelling "Jew" at people walking to shul is a fun thing to do. And American.
Wearing a baseball hat when traveling is American. When done for safety.
Freedom is American. And that means government subsidies and the right to hate Jews. 
Oy. How some forget our traditions. A Shanda.

Oy is American. Why? It just is.

Being broke is American. Being broke and owning a home with three cars. Complaining. American.
Tenements are American. Very American. That evolved to unaffordable housing in Brooklyn. Let’s not forget our tradition. And that is not being able to afford a decent home.
​
Music is very American. Strings, horns, drums. Mordechai Ben David is American. Inspirational holy words of "Nay Nay Nay." Nothing more American, and why the Beatles used those lyrics.

Writing commandments for people to follow. Mitzvahs are very important. This is why we have the American Constitution.

Restaurants with checkered bathroom tile flooring.
​
Turkey on Friday night after Thanksgiving. Nothing more American than eating turkey on Shabbat. And even more American is eating turkey in deli form.
How something is more American than the most American thing is a miracle found in America. A Nes.

Now you know what makes for the foundations of the USA. Maybe I'm just a traditional man who loves our Gishmak American heritage.
​If you were to ask Parker from Nashville, you might get different views of America. But he doesn’t know from the Lower East Side.
​Speaking English in Yiddish form is American.

Let me tell you about my youth collecting baseball cards. And how a Torah Jew came to being.

I was around nine years old. It was fourth grade. That's when it all started. Fourth grade. It must've been fourth grade. I can't remember. The only thing I can remember from that year is jawbreakers. I ate a lot of jawbreakers. Which I found out, was not good for your jaw. And then our science teacher kept on talking about pizza pies. I thought we were supposed to be learning about planets, and she has us thinking about anchovies. She was obsessed with pizza pies.
I was very focused on getting some Pete Rose cards. At the time, I had no idea he was into gambling. If I knew, I would've tried to get some tips. I remember overhearing my dad getting stock tips from his friends. They were always "winners," but half the time they were bad. I am sure Pete Rose had better tips.
At the time, I never wanted to be a winner. Due to my dad's friends, to this day, I root for the underdogs. The losers have more of a chance of winning. I'm sure Pete would agree. Which is why he bet on baseball. And which is why I don't bet on the S&P 500.

It was 1986. That was the year I started getting involved in collecting. The year after the cool looking cards of 1985. The year after the valuable cards. 1986, the only year that it’s impossible to find a card in mint condition. Topps 1986 comes ruined. Who makes baseball cards with a black background??? The idiot.
I've never seen a decent corner on a 1986 card. Donruss and Fleer followed suit that year. Those cards are also impossible to find decent. If anybody has a 1986 baseball card without a ding, please let me know. It's got to be valuable.
Topps had it all that year. Dings, off centered, and the worst rookies. Right when I started collecting. They didn't even have the Jose Canseco. If they did, he would've ratted them out, and nobody would've bought those cards.
Every card came off centered. It was like 1989 Donruss. Topps saw their 1985 football cards and asked, "How can we create the look of those cards that comes messed up?! 1985 football. Nobody liked those. And let's leave the good rookies out, to give the full experience."
I got one 1986 card with one perfect corner. I cherished that card. Offcentered as anything. Half the card wasn’t even there. It was a Cecil Fielder and some other random guy. No idea. I think it was Cecil fielder's left elbow. I'm almost positive. I puzzled it up against a Cecil Fielder that was three quarters of a Cecil Fielder card. That was the closest to a full card I pulled from that pack. The guy cutting the cards was going for a three for one. He was trying to make every card into a multiple rookie highlights card. A historical fact I learned from much collecting: It's the Topps cutting guy that inspired Fleer to put more than one guy on a card.

1985 Topps are some of the most amazing cards ever made. My goal was to get those. The team name in the tilted rectangular box. And then the block letters. Looked so cool. Ever since I saw those, I only wrote in block letters and at an angle, and I got bad grades.
By the time I started collecting, they didn’t have the 1985 packs at 7-Eleven, so that didn’t happen. That was how my luck worked. I also got a papercut from Don Mattingly, and I missed out on high school in the 1980s. I never witnessed the full effect of Karma Chameleon.
7-Eleven was where I went to pick up cards. I would pick up the packs, pull out a card that was worth four thousand dollars and retire. That was my business plan. I also picked up cards at card shops and shows, when I wanted to feel like I was getting ripped off. We’ll get into the 1990s and why I collected Jerome Walton another time. It was only later that I found out that the most valuable card in 1986 Topps was worth four dollars, in 2008. With perfect corners.

But it was the year, 1986, where Topps celebrated Pete Rose. They figured, "We celebrated him in 1985. People like him. Let us celebrate him again." If Pete Rose was the member of my shul, every fundraiser would be in his honor. 
1986 had The Pete Rose Years legacy cards, illustrating all of his Topps cards. That was my introduction to the love of baseball cards. I wanted to get every one of them.
Pete Rose, "Charlie Hustle," is baseball. Those cards spoke to me like history. Like I was connecting to something greater than myself. Legacy. And hopefully a lot of money. It turns out those weren't the original cards. I did not have the Pete Rose rookie card. I had a card that had a picture of the Pete Rose rookie.
​Before Nolan Ryan's five thousand strikeouts, Pete Rose was the only accomplishment of note Topps could think of.

Those cards got me into Pete Rose. The only cards that didn't come dinged. I loved those cards with the yellow red background. 
My initiation into baseball came from a man of legacy. And that is what baseball cards do. They celebrate legacy and a desire to gamble.
When it comes to legacy, as a fan you can't see the dings. And that's why I remember how great Pete was. What he gave us all. And that's 1986 cards without dings, that are worth nothing.

Collectors celebrate legacy, and pay way too much for it. And it’s that legacy that makes America great. 
Now you can see how being Mevatel Torah makes a good Jew.

And then came 1986 Topps Traded, and I felt like an idiot. Because I spent all my money on the bad set.

Later On
Today those 1986 cards are worth nothing. If they're in gem mint, millions. Because you can't find them.

Pete Rose bet for his team. That's a good manager. Betting on his team to win, even without Johnny Bench and Joe Morgan. A man committed to his team. That's the kind of guy I want running my ballclub. A guy who cares. A man who has a lot riding on the games. Which is why he was always yelling at umpires. "I don't care if that's a strike. I have forty thousand dollars on this!"
And after Pete Rose, so many other players weren't inducted into the hall of fame. Players like Mark McGwire, who made the game better with the use of steroids. 
Some types of gambling are forbidden according to Jewish law. However, betting on a game you're in, that's questionable. I believe I heard that from Chauncey Billups. 

And who would you see at the card shows? Pete Rose. He would be at every card show. Every card shop. He would be everywhere. He was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah, and he wasn't even invited. He was committed. He continued to give us that legacy. That smile and that baseball hat with the visor he never touched. He was the look of baseball. The reason for so many Cincinnati fans betting on games.
​He lived baseball. He was baseball. He knew who he was. A man that found his life's work in what he did. What a blessing. To be able to gamble on what you do.
As a fan, I learned commitment from Pete Rose. And that is why I follow the legacy of the Jewish people, Torah. And I am betting that the Torah life is worth a lot. I hope betting on Torah is allowed according to the Torah.

***I had to add that last part to make it meaningful for the rabbis who signed off on my Smicha. They gave me rabbinic ordination so I could share these stories of inspiration.

Announcements
We ask people not offend the religion and culture of others. Based on the nonreligious members of our congregation and what they dressed as for Halloween, it would appear that our community is full of a bunch of racists. 
Please note, though are members are idiots, not all Asians are from the Han dynasty.
 
We have a Canadian that just moved here to get away from antisemitism. We want to commend them on not making Aliyah and taking a chance with their life. Welcome to Topeka.
 
The shul now has Takana decree weddings and Bar or Bat Mitzvahs. Brisses too. Now the most expensive thing at the Simchas is the gifts. The rabbi figured you guys are already very cheap with your gifts. Giving eighteen dollars.
Point is, you still have to pay your dues. There are no Takana dues. Just members we don't like.
 
We are celebrating Mark’s fifty-fourth birthday. How that’s a celebration is beyond us. The office discussed it and we still can’t figure out how that’s something to celebrate. But we have to announce it.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Holiday- How Our Congregants Ruining Halloween By Dressing as Themselves and Scaring People. Why It's Asur to Live in Canada and How Maple Syrup Can Be Found in America. When Takana Simchas Go Too Far- Decree Parties and How The Hundred-and-Fifty-Dollar Band Did Not Practice. Why Nobody Wanted to Celebrate Mark's Fifty-Fourth.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lot has to leave Sedom. He asks to flee to a city where he can be accepted as a decent man... In Birmingham, nobody would like you. Stop that Fruma. Nobody would like you there... You have one friend here. And they think you’re a sinner... Lot doesn’t want to go to the mountain. It’s too much... The angels concede, don't make Lot go to the mountain, and don’t destroy this city that Lot wants to go to. Not everything has to be a fight, Freida...

(Bereishit 19:22) And the angel says to Lot, “Hurry. Flee there. Because I can’t do the thing until you are there...” When has anybody here ever rushed for anything. Waiting for you guys to get an Aliyah is the most painful... And then your Mishebeyrachs. You guys get up there with lists. How many times have you heard me say, “Hurry. Finish your Mishebeyrach. Nobody cares about your family. We can’t do the thing until you finish”?... The “thing” is Musaf. And then the Chazin takes his time.
Move. Sometimes you have to move. Or we can’t get things done... The angels had to destroy Sedom and Amorah... I can't tell you why there's a "G" in Amorah, Alex...

And you guys are in the way​. Like right now. You're in the way of an amazing sermon. Felvel and Sadie, and Rivka, are taking it in. But you all are also here...
Sometimes you can't get stuff done when congregants are in the way. Like trying to wash the Kohen's hands for Duchening... We had to hold off on the High Holiday priestly blessings because congregants were in the way of the washing station... Yisraels can wash in the bathroom. During Musaf, when we're trying to get the Kohens up to the Bima, to do the Birkat Kohanim, so we can finally leave shul... 
You guys hold things back. Good stuff... You fleeing to Birmingham would be appreciated...

We can’t fix it if you don’t get out of the way. This is why we never get anything done. This is why there is still a leak. Bernie just sits there. Why you don't move your seat when there is a leak right above it... Hurry. Flee, Bernie.

Where do you flee to?
Lot wants to thrive. Where can you thrive? Lot thrives where people aren't that good. Which is why our congregation flourishes... Not Birmingham. Here. If you moved faster. If hustled a hustle a bit, here...
You move slow and you ruin everything. The Chazin knows he’s annoying. Which is why he goes slow...
If you got out of the way, at least the shul could thrive. If you hustled out of the way.
Don't think. When you think, bad things happen. That's how we ended up with a board. And that is why we’re stuck here in Topeka... Lot thought and it slowed everybody down. His wife starts to think. Looks back. She turns to salt. Bad things happen when our congregants don't move... Out of town.

Stop thinking and move faster. When you think, you do dumb stuff, and I can't thrive... I am blaming you.

You thought about what to dress up as for Halloween.
And you dressed as Jews... You are Jews. And you still found a way to offend Jews with your dress... Halloween being Friday night was messed up. Coming home from shul, little kids were asking, “Why are so many people dressed like Jews?! That’s offensive..."
Jews don't do Halloween, unless if they're my congregants... Not just that you're bad Jews.
And then you get dressed up, and you mock other cultures... I also don't think it's fine for our kids to walk around on Purim dressed as Chinese from the Han dynasty. Not all Asians look like that. And the pagans are thinking you have to be real offensive to still be dressing up like that in March... Well. That's how our nonJewish neighbors see it. "The Jews are getting dressed up like Chinese and it's not even Halloween"... On Halloween, global Psak is you can offend people.
Why is your kid wearing shorts in shul? Is he dressed like an Apikores?! Or his dad? Oh!!!
You would've thrived if you realized that Jews don't celebrate pagan holidays... Because they're not Jewish. 
The problem is your thinking. Good Jews think, "We shouldn't do Halloween." You shouldn't think.

Canadians move very slow. Which is why their economy is... The problem there is they think. The police are still trying to figure out if the attack on the shul was an attack.
The congregation was attacked again in Toronto... We don’t live in Canada. Everything will be OK. The problem is Canadians sometimes move to America. And if those are the cops that defunding the police gets us, we will never be able to do the thing... The thing we need to do.
The police are not protecting them there. They're still figuring out if a swastika is a hate crime. The problem is they're thinking too much. 
Let us not be Canadian. Let us not have cops who start committees... Because they're not a congregation. They don't need a committee.
You slow down our shul enough...

It's simple. A Takana Simcha is a party where you can't spend more than a certain amount. It's a decree to make the Simchas more enjoyable by not having a carving station... Because they take too long. 
There is nothing to think about. That's the beautiful thing about the Takana party. It's a set amount...
Mr. Bergman. You can't even do a Takana Bar Mitzvah if you guys don't pay... Yes. You have to pay something. It's not free. It's not a Mamdani Simcha... You don't negotiate a decree. The decree is the amount. You negotiate and we can't do the thing... The thing is the Bar Mitzvah. And we can't do it, because you guys are arguing about the set amount. Which is the set amount that everybody pays... Your enjoyment of haggling is slowing down our community...
The gifts you guys give are real cheap. We should have Takana gifts so you guys will give more. The gift Takana is you can't say eighteen dollars is meaningful... I don't care if it's the numerical number of life. The Takana is it has to be at least double Chai to be meaningful. At least give something people want... Like a pledge you'll move faster with your Mishebeyrachs, and you won't bless every cousin by name. 
The Takana is there make it good for everybody... It’s not a Mamdani thing. It’s not about killing Jews. it’s not a Canadian thing where people get to attack Jews in the name of free healthcare...
Dues are Takana. And you don’t do that. You still have to pay for the hall. Just less. It’s not free... Mamdani did not create this. I can't believe I have Jew haters in my shul... I am annoyed by Jews. My congregants are annoying... Then move to New York. Mamadani may give free Jewish weddings. And that’s how you know he’s an anti-Semite... Everything is free but Jewish day schools and Simchas.

Mark’s fifty-fourth is being celebrated because his wife is paying for it. I hope that answers everybody’s questions. Your questions slow me up. Now, I can finish the sermon... Mark. Nobody would care if your wife didn’t pay. We celebrate birthdays in five-year increments till you’re eighty-five. After eighty-five people care every year, a bit. After ninety. Then people truly care. If you don't reach ninety, people won't even know you died...
Nobody cares about your birthday, Mark. Truly. Nobody cares. We really don't care. Nobody wants to celebrate this thing... Mazel Tov. Because your wife paid for Kiddish... There is no Takana for fifty-fourth birthday, because it's not a Simcha.
Can I finish the Drasha?!...

(Bereishit 19:22) They couldn’t destroy this city Lot was fleeing to... Because Lot was there, Sharon. This is why you people shouldn't be thinking. Because you are idiots. 
“So they called the city Tzoar.” Which means small. It was a small city. Lot was asking to go to small place. A place he could thrive... He did not say Topeka. He specifically did not say Topeka. Nobody thrives in this congregation...
Tzoar was the one surviving city. And he had to be pushed by the angels to go. Even though he requested, he needed a little push. When the world is getting destroyed with fire balls it might be a little stifling. Kind of like having to celebrate a fifty-fourth birthday that makes no sense...
Tzoar also means grief. Pain. When you’re the only one surviving, you feel grief. When you’re the only one who has to deal with a shul of Apikorsim, where people get dressed up for Halloween, you feel grief. There is loss.
When tragedy hits, you get stuck. And you need an angel to help you move forward to your place... This isn't an ad for Visiting Angels. But they're good.

You know when else there is grief. When you have to give these huge gifts at weddings. I never felt so bad at a Simcha till I saw how much my wife spent on the vase... Honey. I don't care if it was on the registry list. Of course it was. Nobody wants to spend that kind of money on a cup for flowers. Why didn't we just buy them a house?! They had that on their registry too, honey...

With all that happened, Lot moved to a place of grief. A place of pain. But he moved. He continued.
It's a pain to have to wait for you to walk up to get an Aliyah. So slow. But we go ahead. Even with the pain of you being a member.
To make it through. Sometimes, you have to move ahead. You have to take action. You have to thrive in some way. You can't let it debilitate you, like the congregation debilitates me... You all hold me back. You're painful.
You don't have to climb a whole mountain. You just have to not mess up the holidays for everybody. Maybe to not force everybody to celebrate every single celebration. Nobody cares that you had another grandchild... We have enough holidays to celebrate... Mark. Max turned ninety-four. Nobody said a thing. We need Takana birthdays. Like no forcing the community to celebrate every one of Mark's birthdays... But there is Kiddish...
Move a little. Move out of town. Go to a place of pain. But go there... Don't get stuck in one spot, or you'll end up having to be the rabbi to the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

Say what you want about Lot, but he was self-aware. He knew he was a small-town boy. He wouldn't have joined the board... Because he was Avraham's nephew and he knew he would mess things up.

Rivka's Rundown
Marissa went on a trip to Birmingham. She won't stop talking about it.

The people really do move slow. Everything our membership does is at half speed. Shmuel Baruch pulled out a list of his extended family for the Mishebeyrach blessings. From his hand to his pocket, it took three minutes.

Why Bernie is getting blamed for a leak above his seat that should've been fixed during the week, not explainable. There are other things to blame Bernie for. The rabbi didn't have to focus on the leak. When the rabbi said, "Hurry. Flee. Bernie," he was trying to get rid of him.

I'm happy the rabbi finally brought his wife into the sermon. She deserved a ribbing too. Ever since she paid dues on behalf of the family, she's fair game.

The rabbi said we have to hustle. He got so into the idea of hustling, he said he’s going to coach the shul softball team next year.

On Halloween, they gave the nonJewish kids Paskesz. That's got to be a culture shock. Just hearing "Paskesz" these kids know there's something Jewish about it. There is no more Jewish word than Paskesz.
​I don’t love Paskesz sour sticks. I love Trader Joe’s fish gummies. They taste better. Trader Joe’s gives a good name to the Jews. That's why I give out Trader Joe's gummies for a Jewish Halloween experience.
​Dressing like Jews on Shabbis. It's impressive how they found a way to offend their own people by dressing as them. That’s what non-religious Jews do. They dress as Jews, and it's offensive. 
I'm just offended we have some members that get dressed up for Halloween, but they can't wear a suit to shul.

Canada is bad. Their police need to know too many languages to be effective. Due to French, they're still trying to figure out if breaking windows and doors to a Jewish institution and painting a swastika on a shul are hate crimes.

Due to our rabbi pushing this Takana pay very little idea, we have gotten more congregants. The supporters seem to be the people who don’t like going broke on Simchas. Which I believe is everybody, except for the Hermans, whose daughter is a fan of Miley Cyrus. Bringing Miley Cyrus to a Bat Mitzvah is not in the Takana plan. If they could've just convinced their daughter that Hannah Montana is now forty years old, they might have been able to go the Takana route. It took that little girl years to understand that Hannah is not Jewish.
The rabbi tried the idea of Takana Jewish day schools. Not happening. Nor are Takana dues. Though, with Takana dues we would've gotten a lot more members. And with Takana day school, the day school would've got a lot more students. It turns out that money deters people.
Every wedding is the same. Why pay??? I agree. Keep it cheap. Get it over. Nobody cares about Bracha and Menachem's wedding.

How Simchas are more enjoyable without a carving station, I don't know. I think that's the only issue. Carving stations are a decent argument against Takana Simchas.

I appreciate the rabbi telling us why we’re celebrating a fifty-fourth. It really makes no sense. It’s like celebrating a granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah. Nobody cares. The rabbi made it clear, "it’s the Kiddish."
​Our shul would be much better off announcing Kiddishes and not Simchas. Announcements should be: We are celebrating Mark's Kiddish and the Herman's daughter's Kiddish. There's a birthday and a Bat Mitzvah, but nobody cares.

Now that Zohran Mamdami is mayor, the question is what should New York Jews do. Now that an anti-Semite is running the city, it's hard to figure out if the city that has been so Jewish friendly will still have delis. I'm sorry. I know many Jews voted for Mamdani, and they will be offended by me calling him an anti-Semite. And I understand that just because somebody says that everybody in Israel should die doesn't make them an anti-Semitic. I shall rephrase. It's scary having such a Jew hater running the New York City government.
Don't worry. I shall help you. Here are some things you can do as a New York Jew.

Move. Move anywhere. Move to New Jersey. It will at least give you a couple of years of feeling like Americans like you.

Enjoy a deli sandwich. New York delis are the one thing you still have. Go to Essen New York Deli before it goes down to Florida, or goes Halal by law. 
You know Mamdani is going to take the Kosher deli and say the Jews stole it from the Arabs. As an act of social justice, he's going to reappropriate Kosher. Yes. I do harp on the fact the guy wants to destroy Israel. For some reason, that affects my thinking. I am Jewish.
To note, pastrami on rye tastes different down in Florida. The water isn't as good.

Pray. Mamdani became mayor because H’ wants you to say Tehillim.
Since the ceasefire, things were going too well for a month. The news was getting real boring, and we thought people liked us again. So, we stopped believing in Gd. Life was looking too good. Some even stopped saying Tehillim. B"H Mamdani is now mayor, and we have a reason to pray again.
Who needs Gd when life is good? The ones getting screwed over. 

Rethink your Judaism. If you're not, you are not woke enough. If you don't hate yourself, you should be questioning what kind of Jew you are.
Before we go on, I want to thank the good Jews of New York who voted for Mamdani. The thirty percent of Jews voted for him. Which means that seventy percent of the New York Jews are not ashamed of themselves, and thus not good Jews.

Enjoy the free stuff. Is there anything more Jewish. Is there any greater Bracha than free food. Did getting the free school Kosher food packages not make COVID worth it. Do we need more proof that Karl Marx had Jewish ancestry. Do we need more proof that Mamdani is an anti-Semite. Running on the platform of everything being free, just to get the Jewish vote. Oh. It's good to have an anti-Semite in office.

Wear a Bigger Kippah. Those huge knit Carlebach and Na Nach Kippahs look like a Jewish Kufi. That should be safe. It helps when they can't figure out why they hate you. 
​And Frum women should wear the snood and Tichel head scarf, or Jewish Keffiyeh. Keep them guessing. 
Baseball hats are not safe anymore. Religious Jews have depended too long on those for protection against Jew hatred. A Jew should not be going undercover as a citizen of the United States with a visor and Payis. It’s suggested and safer to go around America undercover as somebody who hates America. A COVID mask and a Keffiyeh around the neck as an Ashkenazi Jew should do the job. 
Note of Safety: Make sure you wear your Jewish Kufi in the right neighborhoods. Keep your baseball hat in the car for American loving neighborhood safety. There are still people who love America a bit too much. And those people can be dangerous. 

Worry. That’s an activity and a Jewish tradition. I’m just trying to help. Trying to give you something to do. And I feel like a better Jew sounding like an anti-Semite. 

If you voted for Mamdani, study what it means to be an anti-Semite. That is an activity that will keep you busy for the next few years. Maybe write a doctoral thesis on how free stuff makes somebody a lover of Jews. 
Study the dichotomy found in how one can be a Jew hater, even when bringing down their rent. 

Maybe push for free Kosher stuff. We should be protesting the cost of Kosher. Some have said, "Let's wait and see what happens with the new mayor." The truth is yet to be seen. Will Mamdani have a free Kosher supermarket?! Is there a budget that can handle that?! The answer is “no.”

Move to Florida. It’s what you're going to do as a New Yorker. Now you can do it earlier. 
Even if you stay in New York, retire now. You will make more money not working.
Historical Note: Anti-Semites do the best job of getting Jews to move Israel. A much better job than the Jewish Agency. We have to thank the Jew haters. Nothing does more for Aliyah than violence against Jews. And a true Mamish anti-Semite running New York, there’s no greater Bracha.

Make Aliyah. That was a joke. What kind of fool would do that. Of course, I meant move to Florida.
I'm sure Essen Hollywood New York Florida Deli will be good.

Boy. I love Jew haters. It's hard to get out of loving the free stuff. I'm going to join all those protests where people wear a mask. If I get off on rent, I am leading the anti-Israel movement. From the Statue of Liberty to Brooklyn New York will be free.

Since Sukkot, I've been watching a lot of JNS TV, J-TV, The Israel Guys, and other people who are on my side. I guess I am biased. But if they're not reporting it, I don't see it. It makes me feel good when I watch the news I want to hear.
Here is what I've garnered.

Donald Trump went to Israel and then Egypt, giving beautiful speeches about peace. Boy. That got a lot of people mad. Talking about peace will have you hated by people who want peace.
 
The 20-point peace plan is on stage eight, but still on stage one. 

Hamas has to disarm and disband. After thinking about it a little more, Hamas thinks that's not a good idea. They all agreed that's not a good way to continue Hamas.

Turns out that part of the peace deal is Hamas can still attack. Turkey is fine with this. JD Vance told us that the getting rid of munitions is going to take a long time. To fire all of your weapons at Israel is not something that can be done in one day.

Candace Owens has convinced everybody that Israel runs everything. 
Israel is blamed for the Gazan guy with no legs, as he blew them off himself. To quote Fleur Hassan-Nahoum from JNS, “Look what Israel did.”
Why do you think Gazans mess up so many bombs? Israel.
And Israel put together that curriculum to teach the Arab children to hate Israel. With the paint by number pictures illustrating the Mitzvah to kill Jews.

Hamas executes their people. Still, nobody is protesting Hamas. Protests are still against Israel, as Israel runs Hamas. Candace has made that clear. And it's Trump’s fault for talking about peace.
 
Trump expressed ideas of a peaceful world. That was the mistake. I believe it went, “We should have peace. Peace is beautiful. The peace plan is beautiful. You’re beautiful. It's a beautiful peace plan. A lot of beautiful people here who want peace. Peace in the Middle East. Sounds beautiful. A world of peace.” And “Screw Trump!!!” I believe that was the response. He was talking a lot about beauty. Something about peace too. The response of Americans against tyranny, “I hate you. What is this about. What the... You suck!!! I hate you!!! Go to hell!!!”

Hamas hasn't returned the bodies of the deceased hostages, because they can't find them. Israel’s fault. Pallywood news is reporting, "Some of the Zionist bodies have run away. How Israel does this."
 
Hamas won the war. Winning the war by saying, “I won the war.” And that is how you win a war. And then killing your own people. 
That was a statement. "We can kill our people better than anybody."

Turns out Wikipedia hates Jews too.
Genocide now means trying to save the lives of civilians. See Gaza Genocide on Wikipedia if you want to puke. Candace Owens is their main contributor.
The way you prove something is a genocide is by saying “it’s a genocide.” Reason and definition are not important. And that is the new debate technique that I use when I have no idea what’s going on.
How a population grows during a genocide, I do not know. But it’s a genocide.

Greta Thunberg has not been in the news standing up against the public executions of Gazans by Hamas. She is still trying to figure out how that affects global warming.
 
There are New York Jews who want to vote for somebody who hates Jews, and wants their people to die, because it makes them feel more Jewish.

Zio has become the term used by university students, who now major in Pally Sci. Thank you. I came up with Pally Sci. I’m very proud of that. My one contribution to the debate.
My understanding is that classes are A World Run By Zios and Reasons We Can't Buy Anything Anymore. If a university will allow me to audit, I would love to learn more about Zios and how the Jewish nation are the only ones who’ve never experienced genocide.
For some reason, the only thing Israel doesn't control is how Zionists are referred to.
Personal Note: I love the shortening of the term to Zio. It's quite cool. I feel hip being part of the Zio movement.

Oxford University is harboring football hooligans who can't rhyme. To quote, "Gaza, Gaza, make us proud, put the Zios in the ground." Which was "workshopped." If it was workshopped with talented songwriters, it would’ve been “put the Zios in the crowd.” Poor education.
 
All the amazing stories of inspiration from the hostages and soldiers, of hope and value of life, is proof of genocide. To quote, "I hear that the Jews are praying, and wishing for peace. And then they bring food to the Gazans. Just to kill them. It's all murder. Mass killings. How else do you explain the seventy-thousand births in Gaza over the past two years?! Genocide!!! I hate Trump. Evil man, spreading his genocidal ideas of peace."
 
Outcry for the mistreatment of the terrorist murderer prisoners in Israeli prisons has been heard around the world. Another war crime done by Israel. Taking terrorist murderers as prisoners. And there are even stories of them being treated as prisoners. Again. A war crime.
When it comes to taking a terrorist as a prisoner and feeding them, the correct term according to the BBC is now "hostage." As was reported, the prisons in Europe and America are now full of rapists and murderer hostages.
Many are worried about the welfare of the terrorists released from Israeli prisons. Don't worry. They will be OK. They made a lot of money in prison and they are free now to go out and kill civilians. All is OK. They are free to execute their people.
And how do I know that prisoners are now called hostages? Wikipedia.

And now sports hate Jews too. Indonesia refuses to give visas to Israelis for the World Artistic Gymnastics Championship, worried the gymnasts may attack with floor exercises. I now see Israel is harboring athletes like Artem Dolgopyat, the defending world floor champion, who is known for violent genocidal twirls and a hula hoop. And then that thing he does with ribbons. All not safe.

Israel soccer fans are banned from England. Maccabi Tel Aviv has to find new fans among the lovers of Zion in Birmingham City.
Birmingham fans are ready to support Maccabi Tel Aviv with the new chant they’ve workshopped. “Israel, Israel, make us proud. Put the Zios in the crowd.”

UK Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, recognized a Palestinian State, which the Palestinians don't recognize.

Israel has to give up Judea and Samaria. This is a new part of the peace plan that JD Vance created. Otherwise, it’ll be too hard for the Muslim Brotherhood to attack Israel.

And the Chardim are the reason for all of this.

Since the beginning of the war, and the recent tragedies that befell our people, American Jews have made it a point to do stuff for Israel. Some have sent packages. Some have went shopping. Some have went out for dinner. Some have even vacationed in Panama, for Israel.
I feel it's time for me to do my part. And that is why I wrote this love sonnet of support for Israel. An imprecise sonnet in song.
And now, THE SONG FOR ISRAEL:

I dedicate this song for you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I went to the mall for you. Picked up some shoes for you. They were UGGs. Cause I support you. Israel I support you.
Then I got a Sundae at Friendly’s, because it was Sunday for Israel. Then I renovated my house for you, Israel.
Put in air-conditioning for you. Because it was hot in Rochester. And it’s hot in Israel. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went on a walk for you. Went to the park for you. Had a picnic with a checkered blanket for you. Israel I support you.
We ate pasta for you. It was a sunny day for you. Played pickup basketball for you, Israel.
Called a foul for Israel when I got hit on the layup. Then I played pickleball for you. Israel. It’s like Matkot with a net and a different ball. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Had a BBQ for you. With my family. In solidarity. For you. In New Jersey. For you. Israel I support you.
We had a Bar Mitzvah in our shul for you. Packed up fruit for you in the grocery. We loaded up our fridge for you, Israel.
I gave money to my shul for you. In Rochester. A huge Kiddish in honor of you. Then I went out and got drunk for you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

Went for lunch. Dedicated my hamburger to you. The crunchy fries for you. A blooming onion for you. Israel I support you. Blooming like you. Israel. The Golan.
Dunked it in mayonnaise. It was blooming. And the fries were crunchy. For you, Israel.
The crunchy blooming country. Israel.
Was going to do the army. But I bought a necklace for you. With a heart and a picture of my girlfriend in it. It was a locket necklace of a heart for you and my girlfriend. For you, Israel.
I was going to get the dog tag for you. I got a dog instead. For you. I bought a Maltese for you. Israel. To protect you. I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.

I was going to join Tzahal. I volunteered at the kennel for you. I wore a flag for you. Wore the blue and white, and red for you. Israel I support you.
And I went on that trip for you. To Spain. Had a layover in Maine. There was rain. I was in a plane. For you, Israel.
The rain is Spain stays mainly in the plain. For you. Israel.
Cause I support you. And then I moved to New York for you. Bought a house in the Five Towns for you. Israel. Israel.
I held off on that move for you. Was going to visit you. But for you, I saved money. And I went to Miami. In solidarity, with you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
Israel I support you.
I didn't make a donation for you. Israel. Because our love is deeper than that. Our love is deeper than money. Because I love you. I support you. Israel. 
 
Put up a post for you on social MeeDayYah. That’s Hebrew. For you.
And I went to the gym today. In dedication for you.
Israel I support you.
​And I sent the hand-me-downs to you. I won’t forget that. I support you. 

***Please note: "Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you. Israel I support you." That is the chorus of the sonnet. If I understand sonnets correctly. It’s probably a song.
I now feel like I've done my part in support of Israel. And every Israeli that eats blooming onions knows it.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about dogs drinking coffee, Siddur holders in the back of his neck at shul and how he is mad at Kibbutz Lavi carpentry, all while trying to figure out why all these Hamas supporters have COVID with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new style for Tisha BAv with his Converse All-Stars and extremely ugly socks.

Many people are worried about the uptick in antisemitism nowadays. Do not worry. There was a lot of antisemitism years ago too. I hope that comforts you. Your people has always been hated.
Antisemitism has always been upticked, even before Tucker Carlson and that Cortez acronym. And thanks to our American freedom and independence, they have the right to hate Jews. I don't know if freedom allows for hate speech against other minorities. But at least America allows the freedom to hate Jews.
Here’s a few stories from a child growing up in Rochester, New York, to bring anti-Semitic pride. I don't know if that sounds right. Maybe Jewish pride.
Yesterday we spoke of Rabbi Yechiel Meir Bergman and the dog that protected the kids from anti-Semites on the way to Cheder in Rochester. Today, let's talk about me, my childhood, and more anti-Semites.
 
Jewish Boy Playing Basketball
Years ago, I was a child. Shoot. Now you know my age. I played basketball in the Christian Youth Organization league, in Rochester. We were the Jewish team, playing for the JCC. We played for Jewish pride. We didn't do a good job of it. Any Jew that saw us play would have become an apostate. The Christian Youth Organization used us as the predecessors to Jewish for Jesus in the area.
I missed a foul shot one day and everybody yelled, “Jews can’t play basketball.” I asked my friend’s mom why I couldn’t play basketball. She said, “It’s fine. You can play basketball. They just hate Jews. They hate you because your people are bad at basketball.”
For a while I started not liking my people. They were the reason I was missing foul shots. Even more so, they were the reason I was getting fouled so much.
It turns out, anything a Jew does, the nation gets blamed for it. I learned this at a young age. Thanks to Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansky, everybody thinks I'm a mobster. One day, a Jew was purchasing a suit and he asked if it was on sale. Now, every Jew is cheap. Thanks to me, Jews can't shoot a basketball.
Due to my playing abilities, no Jews were drafted into into the NBA in 1990s, except for Doron Sheffer, who didn't play in the NBA. He decided to play in Israel, due to the antisemitism caused by my poor shooting. It was 2009 before they decided to finally forgive me and draft a Jew. Thank you Omri Casspi for getting them to forgive me for what I did to our people.

NeoNazis on the Way to Shul
Walking to shul, there were neoNazis on the side of the road. It might have been just a bunch of bald guys. Either way. They weren’t Jewish. And that is scary enough. They started yelling, “Jews.” Which is antisemitism at its worst and most dangerous. Never let anybody call you a Jew. Next thing you know, a car is driving down the street, beeping us. Even scarier. They also yelled, “Jews.” Maybe they were warning people about Meyer Lansky. I don't know.
My dad was a strong Jew, from Brooklyn. Jews from Brooklyn don't put up with anything. You tell a Jew from Brooklyn they're not allowed to join a pickleball game, they're whacking the racket over your head. Very violent pickleball players.
Abba started chasing them all down, at once. Both the car and the neoNazis. And they were probably neoNazis in the car. They had hair, but that might have been toupees. One Jew against twelve anti-Semites, or people who just wanted to say "hi" to some Jews.
Next thing I know, my dad is yelling, “One day, you’re going to be working for my son.” I heard that and I told my dad, “Abba. That’s why they hate us.”
I think my dad was talking about my older brothers. They are quite successful. I’m right now thinking about working for them.
 
The Time That Marshalls Charged Full Retail
I went to the clearance rack, and there was no “clearance” tag on the clothes. Not even a sale sign. Everything was the suggested retail price. I knew at that moment that Marshalls must hate Jews. That was a hard lesson for a fifth grader to take in.

Postscript
After the Marshalls fiasco, I realized the world is full of anti-Semites. From then on, I only made friends with people that hated me. I needed other people to play basketball with.
I thought I would help my people by dispelling the anti-Semitic myths of Jews being bad athletes by playing more basketball. That didn't help. I continued playing and missing shots. I have not done a good job of dispelling the belief that Jews are cheap. I am sorry, but I will not stop shopping at Ollie's, and going back to Kohl's weekly, to get my rewards coupon. And yes. I still use coupons. And all Jews use coupons.
Once I reached high school, every shot I missed, I let them know, "David can't play basketball." I thought it was important they knew that I was bad, and that my people should not have to deal with persecution. Due to my lacking basketball abilities, AOC got into government. 
It was tough playing basketball in Junior Bantam elementary with the weight of Jewish national peace and Israel on my shoulders. And I want us to apologize to my people. The reputation for Jews being chubby is on me. I still have baby fat. I like to call it that.
How hatred of Jews is expressed with "Jews can't play basketball" is still something I am trying to figure out. How that leads to “from the river to the sea” chants, I can’t tell you. I did once hear that Jews can't play basketball in the river. And after learning much Torah, I now know the Jews did not play basketball when leaving Egypt, even when Gd split the sea. If they said "Jews can't play floor hockey," I would understand that is pure hatred of my people.
I did improve once I started offering favors for baskets. Thanks to Bugsy and my reputation as a mob boss, I told them I would take out their mathematics teacher if they let me have a few open layups. I wouldn’t say favors for baskets was as altruistic as the Easterseals shootout.

A Postscript Message from a Child of the ‘80s
Antisemitism is not just in Rochester. Everybody in every city has a story. They hate us everywhere. I hope that helps you feel better living in America.
People have always hated us. “Why do people hate Jews?” Answer. Because they’re Jewish. I learned that as a child in a basketball game and at shul. Ever been to shul? Everybody hates Jews there. Tons of anti-Semites at our Minyin.
When I was growing up, you learned to be tough. You learned to chase after neoNazis in cars, to get a pickup basketball game going. You learned to miss foul shots with pride. You learned how to show the cashier at Marshalls the misstich, to get a few extra dollars off on a button-down. 
Back in the early 1900s, Jews couldn't even get jobs due to hatred of our people. Now we are bosses, and they hate us more.
Be tough. Stop crying. Let them know you’re Jewish and you're proud. And don’t live in Rochester. Apparently, there’s a lot of antisemitism there.
And get a dog. Get a dog or move to Israel.

I still felt like I hadn't fulfilled the Mitzvah of Father's Day. With everything from last year, my father still didn’t buy me a flight to fulfill the Mitzvah correctly. If my dad doesn't give me money, how can I do the Mitzvah for him?
So, I needed to find a father in Israel to fulfill the Mitzvah. 

I Need To Fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day
A kind religious Jew noticed me sulking at a bus stop outside the Old City of Jerusalem. "Why would a man be sulking?" he asked. I told him I need a dad. He said, "You're thirty years old. It's time for you to grow up." It was hard hearing that from a six-year-old.
I explained. "I needed a Tateh to fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day." The kid said he never learned about the Mitzvah of Father's Day. Which was bothersome. You would think nursery school is the one place they would teach about that.
Another man at the bus stop overheard my whining and told me that in Israel they celebrate Father's Day every day. I let him know I don't have enough money for that many gifts. I also expressed how not happy my father would be if he had to pay for that many gifts for me to buy him.
One man began shouting in prayer form "Avinu SheBashamim" (Gd in Heaven). I found out he had a falling out with his father, and he now only sees H' as his father. Another guy said that Rav Ovodia Yosef is our father in heaven. It turns out he saw the Shas slogan before the last election. I was very confused. And I wasn't going to buy gifts for Rav Ovadia Yosef who had already passed away. As for H', I will bring Him gifts when He rebuilds the Temple.

I Finally Found a Dad
Sitting at the bus stop, I saw a man smack a child on his Tush for not running into the street. I said, "That's a Dad. I finally found one."
The child yelled at his dad. It turns out this family also doesn't celebrate Father's Day. I told the dad about the idea of Father's Day and Mother's Day, and how Americans make sure to make it easier on those parents on those days. And he said to his child, "If this is tradition, today, you watch over yourself." And the dad went to play billiards.
I followed this dad to the pool hall, as his child was stranded at the bus stop in commemoration of Father's Day. I told him he was a great dad. He said, "I don't know you." I told him I was his today. As he left the pool hall and passed by his kid, he made his way to his house. I followed him and he kept asking me to reiterate this concept of not having to watch over your children on this day.
I had just learnt that all Jews are responsible for each other and thus I told him he is responsible to be my dad. He told me, "You're not getting any money." He then kicked me out of his house. To quote: "I never met you. Get out of my house before I shoot you... You're not getting an inheritance from me!"
I left that house and prayed that guy's kid was OK. It's amazing how Mitzvahs can backfire on a stranded eight-year-old.
 
Follow Up Notes
They don't celebrate Father's Day in Israel. The Mitzvah seems to be you're supposed to honor your father every day. That's painful. I told my rabbi I was thinking about going back to America where you don't have to honor your father as much. My rabbi told me the Mitzvah is every day in America too.
My rabbi also said that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah, and somebody should bring that child back to his house. My rabbi ended up reporting that Israeli father for neglect of a third grader.

I found a dad. It was somebody else's. It turns out that his child has to do his own Kibud Av vEim. I can't do it for him. Otherwise, I will get locked up.
 
I still felt it important to follow up with the Israeli father to fulfill extra Kibud Av vEim, and to make sure his child was OK. I sent a card to the Israeli father. He didn't appreciate it as he didn't understand my Hebrew transliterated into English. The card read, "Mah Shlomcha... Ani Choshev Alecha..." I believe it's good he didn't understand the card. It's a good thing he didn't understand, "How are you?... I am thinking about you..." I learned that hose are the last words written on a letter from a serial killer. They might have reported me for stalking. 
I showed up at their house and we had a BBQ and his kids thought it was Independence Day.
I was thinking about buying a Father's Day gift for the Israeli dad, but that didn't happen. I didn't buy the Israeli father a shirt at Fox. Nobody needs to see another Israeli dad walking around in a tight shirt. Walking down the beach in Tel Aviv is already painful enough.

My rebbe later taught me that there is no substitute for your father. I started calling my rabbi, my rebbe. This way I could blame him if I did anything wrong.
"Honor the elderly." That's a precept I learned a few days later. One that you must practice with people that aren't your dad. Hence, I stopped treating other people as my dad. Instead I started treating them as elderly and treated them with the respect one must show our seniors, as the Mitzvah teaches. It turns out that not all fathers in their forties like when you take them by the arm to help them cross the street.
 
From now on, I'm going to call my dad and say "I love you," no matter how awkward it makes our relationship. That will be my Father's Day gift. It's cheaper for my father and less of a hassle than picking out an Israeli dad. It's also easier than traveling back to America for a visit. I don't want them to have to renovate the kitchen every Father's Day, so I can eat in it. I don't know if me starting to keep Kosher is a good Father's Day gift.
After calling my father every day for a week, he told me it's not a Mitzvah to call every day. To quote, "Part of honoring me is not having to hear from you."

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.

Announcements
In honor of the 4th of July, we are going to get rid of our Chazin. We feel it’s time the shul had their independence.
 
The Antifa protest at the school dinner wasn’t supported by the rabbi. Though the rabbi doesn't like his congregants, it was not his idea. It is just Antifa doesn’t like to hear Jews are eating schnitzel.

We are asking for people to think about being Baal Korehs. We need a new Baal Koreh. The last Torah reader guy had a panic attack when he messed up the word ‘VaYechi.’ He was berated by every congregant, after they screamed at him in front of the whole congregation. He started crying and had a panic attack. We understand the shul has many abusive members who yell a lot.
 
This years’ Korach Award goes to Bernie, again.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Love You and Not Be a Chazin. Antifa & Masks: Do They All Still Have COVID. How to Correct a Baal Koreh Without Putting Down His Family. How to Not Be Bernie.
The security training will take place Sunday. As she was there last time, Ethel is expected to be one of the instructors.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 16:32-35) Korach and his followers are swallowed up by the earth, along with their households and wealth... I don’t know where it is. It’s not a treasure to find. This isn’t Goonies. They weren’t pirates.
The two-hundred-fifty who weren’t swallowed, who brought their frying pans to the fight, were consumed by a flame... I don’t know why people fight with frying pans. Like this is The Three Stooges...
Our congregants would bring anything. If you saw the security training, you would understand that anything other than throwing a punch. A spoon would be more dangerous than Binyamin Zev Michel Ben Melvin... Ethel is only willing to get into a scuffle because she's ninety-seven and she is ready to go... Incense is not how you defend against terror...
The lesson is , Don’t mess with your rabbi...

(Bamidbar 17:2-3) Elazar Ben Aharon is now commanded to take the frying pans ‘for they have become holy... the fire pans of these sinners...’
I don’t address congregants by name. I just say sinners. The back left sinners.
The fire pans were to be a cover for the altar. Yes. There is a lesson here.
You can turn something used for sin to something holy. Kadosh. This congregation has a chance. The ability of this shul for holiness is huge... You can change this place. Can turn sin into Mitzvah. Holy. The amount this congregation has messed up, it’s a Kidush H’. It’s a sanctification of Gd.

How can we make this place Holy...
You’re a great Chazin. You're gone. I already feel like we're making Kadosh... Like the British, you cause people pain. You take away our joy by singing really long songs... It’s like a shul tax. Now, we're going to Daven quickly. Kadosh... Kicking you out of your job is a sanctification.

We have beefed up security... It's Kadosh to scare Jews into keeping Mitzvahs. Since the dinner most of you have gone crazy... We understand. It's a shock to find out people hate Jews.
I'm thinking the Antifa people are the board of the shul... They have on masks. I can’t tell. Maybe one of them is the president...

'Sorry little mistake.' You're ruining the Torah! You read it and you're saying something else... I know none of the members understand it. But it still ruins it for them.
Nonetheless, you make it Kadosh. Your messing up gives the shul a chance to express their holiness by screaming at you... There was no need to start shouting. ‘You’re an uneducated fool... Who raised you... Goats...’

Who is the Korach in this shul?...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just calls the back left of the shul sinners. That's how he knows them.

Fast Davening seems to be what the rabbi calls holy.
The rabbi truly feels the Chazin is a tyrant. It's oppressive. Forcing them to stay in shul for longer with his singing, they felt it was time to overthrow him. The rabbi’s sermon was forty-five minutes. At least.

This whole hating Jews thing was never a shock to me. Even the mini mart near our house brought up the milk prices a good seventy-five cents.
The Antifa people are scary. These masked animals were banging on windows at the shul dinner. They had on masks. We don’t know who they were. I think it was the shul’s secretary. She hates Jews. Almost as much as the bakery’s cashier. It’s weird to go to a kosher bakery where they hate Israel. I think I heard her say last time, when I asked the price, ‘Look. A Jew. Trying to get a deal.’ It’s a kosher bakery. We’re the customers. Where else are we going to get deals?

The security training class was messed up. I think we'd be safer just getting beat up. Ethel is ninety-seven, I believe. She can't even pick up a cast iron skillet.

Even this past Shabbis, the whole shul was waiting to correct the Baal Koreh. They love it. They look forward to it. They really scared the last Baal Koreh with the VaYikach fiasco. He read, 'VaYilan.' People were shouting, 'No VaYikach!!!' One guy got up out of his seat, 'It's VaYikach, you idiot.' Then another member took off his cufflink and threw it at the Torah reader. And none of these congregants read Hebrew. It was like a coup. They were all waiting to yell at the guy. First chance they got, it was over.
They are all too uneducated and lazy to read themselves. They enjoy berating. Some of them joined the shul softball team just to yell at the umpire. They said it's part of the game.
Shloimy suggested to bring in the umpire to be the Torah reader. To quote, 'He's used to people yelling at him.'

What kind of shul has a Korach Award?! Every year it’s Bernie. He gets the award. There's a whole ceremony. The rabbi calls him up to the Bima and tells everybody that he wouldn't feel like a rabbi if it wasn't for this man. Then the rabbi storms off the Bima and leaves the shul for the rest of Davening.
Our rabbi came up with the idea for the Korach Awards. Anybody who disagrees with the rabbi gets an honorable mention.
Honorable mentions: Sam who said that he didn't want to go shopping for Kiddish when the rabbi wanted a nap. He got the 'I can't go out of my way for Kichel' award. Carolyn who always wears hats that seem to be a protest to the rabbi's sermon, because nobody behind her can see the rabbi. Fran who can't hear well enough. She gets blamed for not having good hearing. Mark who tagged out the rabbi in the Lag BOmer shul softball game. Shloimy and Faigee who decided their time was best spent learning Torah instead of showing up to a committee meeting. They got the 'We would rather keep Mitzvahs' award.

Though I love the rabbi, I can't show up to all these classes. I believe the sermons is where the rabbi truly educates his pupils. The 'How to Not Be Bernie' class is a series.

July 4th got me thinking about America and food. Waking up gets me thinking about food. Let’s talk about food. Other than Kiddish, nothing is more American than eating massive quantities of food as fast as you can. For that, I thank America.
It was right before I moved to Israel, that I had the honor of competing in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Known to many as the Super Bowl of Eating, I always wanted to be a professional athlete. The one thing holding me back was my athletic abilities. Then I heard about Nathan’s contest, and I knew I had found my sport.
Here is the in-depth story, a very long story, an epic of passion, my story of competing as possibly the only Shomer Shabbat person ever in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. It all happened in LA.
 
The Competitor
It was around twenty-five years ago when the only kosher Nathan’s at the time was in Los Angeles. The competitor and proud Jew I am, I showed up ready to eat.
This was in LA. Not Yerushalayim. The Nathan’s in Jerusalem closed down, because they had the competition in Jerusalem and the whole city showed up for free frankfurters. Jerusalemites never had a high-class eating competition and they understood competition to mean on the house. Sometimes things get mistranslated in language. After three dogs, the local Jerusalem folk had the chutzpah to complain, ‘Stop, I’m already full… can you bag the rest, to go?... I’ll eat them later.’ Some even complained that they had the gall to bring out the food and to not offer them a seat and some sides. (Some of the closing of Nathan's in Jerusalem story, may not be true. But the story of David competing in the Nathan's competition, in LA, is.)
They didn’t just take anybody for the contest. I had to do well at the eating combine. It was a serious competition, and I had to pass the weigh in. At the time, I was well over two-hundred pounds and I was able to fit into an XXL shirt with no problem. I was accepted. They were worried, as I was forty-five pounds lighter than the closest competitor. And that was a high school girl. I had to. Thus, the story of David and Goliath. Or, David and Some Bikers.
 
Bigger Men
I was competing against bigger men, but I have taken down tougher men and women on the way to the choolante at Shabbat Kiddish. These men were not Sadie or Ethel. I was not frightened. Nothing was going to get in my way. I claimed my spot at the table, planted my feet and did not move; the same way I had done so many times while other famished people were trying to get to the herring after Shabbat services.

Ray 'The Bison' Meduna
Ray 'The Bison,' a man ranked number twelve eater in the world, due to his powerful jaws and lungs; even as an amateur, he claimed fame as the Texas State Kolache Sweet Dough Eating Champion. If they were kosher, he might have taken second. As I learned, Kolache is not a Jewish name. It's a pastry of sorts.
I went up against Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna. ‘The Bison.’ A man that could eat people if he chose to not be livestock. How can I compete? I was going against a beast. I’m not a rodeo clown. I don’t go up against bulls, bison. I have never went up against cattle. The strength it took for me to go up against him. A Talmid Chacham like myself to muster the power to eat?!
Note: Never say 'muster' in a hot dog eating contest. They end up not hearing you correctly and you're stuck with a jar of dijonnaise.

How to Compete with a Bison - Get a Nickname
I had to use tact. I tried psyching him out. I went up to his face, 'I am David "The Mensch" Kilimnick and I eat hot dogs with a fork, because I am a mensch. I don’t do Achilas Gasa (disgusting glutton eating), unless if there is a chance to win cash. Eating like an animal is forbidden.’
Nicknames are very important in the sport of competitive eating. There was ‘The Fireball.' There was ‘The Hornet’s nest,’ who people stayed away from, as he brought stinging animals with him. I believe he took his nickname a bit too far, with a nest as his mascot. But you knew ‘The Bison’ was scary, because he was willing to name himself something you eat as well, and the competitors do get hungry very quickly. When you can take down forty hot dogs at one sitting, you don't make for a good Shabbis dinner guest.
‘The Mensch’ nickname did not seem to intimidate 'The Bison.' He was not fazed by my antagonizing antics, as menacing as I was. ‘The Bison’ wasn’t competing for a place in heaven and he didn’t know Yiddish. The use of Jewish law and threatening him with inappropriate eating habits was not working.
He wasn’t concerned with Mitzvahs. He wasn’t a Jew who never ate at McDonald’s. He practiced there. He wasn’t playing for a fast-food meal that he never got. He didn't even worry about extra calories. He had a metabolism. He didn't have the Ashkenazi ancestry. He just ate and enjoyed. The movie Supersize Me, he thought that was an advertisement.
He then took the hot dog with his hand- Achilas Gasa. And I was worried.
So, I threw in a, 'You have bad Midot (character traits).' I might have went a bit overboard with the rebuke, but he was prepared. And he didn't understand what Midot means. Maybe I should try psyching him out next time with English.
He told me that he drank gallons of water the night before, just to extend his belly. I knew I was dealing with a superhuman. I can’t even drink a cup before I go to sleep. I’ll have to pee.

Doing it for Jewish Pride- The Kids
I had to muster. I was going up against people who never heard of Achilas Gasa. I had to find the strength from within. I have seen how much grass a bison can take down. I was once at a zoo and I saw a huge thing of hay. It was for one bison.
Whenever eating as much as you can, you have to think about who you are doing it for. Me? I am doing it for the children. The two Yeshiva boys who came out to see a Jewish hero. Two young growing lads who wanted to see what eating is like when your parents aren’t around.
I had to find strength. I looked to the book of Yehoshua, and I heard the words, 'Be strong and courageous.' So, I said, I am ready to eat.
Non-Jews think Jews can’t eat. They haven’t been to a Tisch. They thought I don’t have the makeup of an eater. They’ve never been to my parent’s house for Shabbis. They haven’t seen me at a wedding. Oh, I can eat. They haven’t seen me taking down sausages at a smorgasbord, placing myself right next to the waiter carrying the tray of pigs-in-a-blanket, at all times. Not easy, when they're moving around, trying to serve other people.

The Competition
I had a cause. I remembered why I was going to eat fifty hot dogs. I remembered who I was. I remembered the lessons I learned at Shabbis Kiddish. I was a hero. A Jewish Hero. For these kids, I was no longer an underdog. I was an inspiration. I was the ‘Mensch.' It really gets to your ego when you're an athlete and you have a nickname.

Start of Competitive Eating
After trash talking the competition, Jewish Style, I was neck and neck with Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna on the first four hot dogs. I could see Jewish pride on the two Yeshiva boys’ faces, gazing at the competition; reminiscent of Jews watching Sandy Koufax play baseball for the LA Dodgers in the 1960s. The resemblance was uncanny. I saw a future of young Jewish boys, full of newfound inspiration, thinking they too could be an athlete and eat like a mensch; knowing they too could fulfil their athletic dreams with saturated fats. I pride myself on being an inspiration.
‘The Bison’ and myself neck and neck, as the Yeshiva boys and crowd were cheering, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ Four hot dogs against four hot dogs, the first minute down, and then he kept on eating. Ray must’ve been trying to prove something. That was too much already. I was full. I needed a little schnapps.
The cheers kept on going, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ One biker was taking down dog number twenty-four. He heard them chanting, 'Munch! Munch! Munch!'
I kept on going for those kids. I was deflated when I heard twenty-four hot dogs, but I kept going for the Bachurs. A true Tzadik works with what he has, and I had heartburn.
 
It Was Rigged Against Jews
There is no place for a religious Jew in competitive eating. They said, 'On your marks, get set, go.' I turned to the announcer as he said the word ‘go’ and asked, 'Where is the washing station?' I had to do Nitilat Yadaim (pre-meal hand washing). I had to wash my hands before I eat bread. You have your pre-competitive eating rituals, I have mine. The competition included bread. You drink water to prepare, I pray to Gd that I won't puke. Not fair.
I didn’t want to sin by not washing my hands and Achilah Gasa. What was I to do? Wash and eat a little bread beforehand? Filling up on carbs, before the competition?

If You Compete, You Are A Winner - The Lesson
Eating is about competition. As seen at Kiddish, where I have learned so much about ensuring other people don't get food, only the strong survive.
What made me a winner, you ask. It was probably the way I scarfed down those first four dogs in record time, after I washed, to catch up to the competition. Winners don't complain about referees. They stopped me from using my elbows, used for keeping the other competitors away from the food; a technique developed at Kiddish, based on Fran Schwartz’s choolante approach. At the end of the eight minutes, I had taken down a good nine hot dogs. I was a winner after all. It was a decent lunch.
The competition didn’t include mayonnaise and chili, but I requested the toppings. If I was there already, I was going to get the works. It was a good spread. They said that it was the first time on American soil that anybody packed up the food and asked for a to go bag at the Nathan’s Contest. They said it reminded them of the competition they hosted in Jerusalem.

I am a Hero if that is the Ending
Did I ruin a couple of Yeshiva boys’ dreams, skipping class that day?! I might have. Even so, they learned a little Torah as they heard me telling Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna about Achilat Gasa. Maybe they are rabbis now, out there telling their students about a great Jewish legend who competed in the hardest of circumstances and washed his hands, like Sandy Koufax. Maybe they're playing baseball. Maybe they're bowling. Whatever they are doing, the story of inspiration lives on with those two kids who flunked out of Yeshiva.
One thing is for sure. Whatever they are doing, they will never let being overweight get in their way.
David ‘The Mensch’ lost the battle to ‘The Bison’ that day. If my opponent had been Goliath, I might have won. Nothing in the Bible says that Goliath was able to eat thirty-five dogs in one sitting, in eight minutes, with buns.

As I was carried off the stage. I couldn’t move. I was full. I had eaten too much. Being carried that day, I could still hear them cheering, 'Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!' It turned out that Nathan's wanted back the hot dogs I took.

That was the end of my career. I realized that competitive eating was not for me. With my Ashkenaz genes I would've got real heavy.

Postscript
I didn’t finish last. For those kids, I was first.
There was a twelve-year-old girl next to me. She was out real quick. After the third dog, she said she felt bloated. I understood her.

I believe some of those men got sick that day. In fairness, they brought out those trays. Huge trays of dogs. I didn't know who how many people they were thinking were going to show. There were only six of us. I don't know why eight industrial size trays were necessary. They couldn’t have cooked all of these hot dogs right. This all had me worried. I didn’t want to get salmonella.
I had a great effect on the future of competitive eating. Never before had competitors requested iced tea. It was always water. Now, the professional eaters enjoy their forty dogs with mayonnaise and a cold refreshing soft drink to wash it all down.

No elbows were allowed. That was not fair. You couldn't hit. My Kiddish table training would've given me the advantage. If violence was allowed, I believe I would've controlled at least three of the industrial trays.
If I was able to hit, and there was somebody walking around with the hot dog trays, I would've had a chance.
The point of the story: I would not have lost in Israel. My competition would have also gotten up to wash.
 
There is no more Kosher Nathan’s in LA. Was it me and the tray of dogs I took home? Maybe the other Jews caught on the next year and went for the free Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Luncheon.
 
We are working on a Jewish food eating competition. It will come as soon as we can afford all the to go bags.

To this day, people ask, ‘What’s the reason why David stopped eating?' I was full.

Announcements
We need more people involved in services. The Chazin cannot coach us as to where we are in the services. It looks off when our Chazin change his voice to announce pages.

The shul is collecting the Yom Kippur pledges. The appeal cards have flipped tabs. You will be charged for them. It wasn't a questionnaire.
 
Gamblers Anonymous meetings will take place in the shul so that people can pay their dues and pledges. It seems members are losing their money once they leave shul.
 
Lag BOmer bonfires are not safe when our members run them. Next year, we’re bringing Boy Scouts or any person that is not a member of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah. Capable people we trust.

The Memorial Day program was meaningful. We want to thank those who served that are not on the board.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Pay Your Pledge and Your Dues, Even if You’re a Member of the Shul. How Board Members Serve Nobody. How to Be an Incapable Member of a Shul (special guests serving as examples will be our president and board members).

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No. It’s not the end of the Torah. It’s the end of Sefer Vayikra... We still continue reading the Torah. It doesn’t stop... Do you not like the Torah?! Is this a casual thing to you? Something you spit on???

(Vayikra 26: 14-16) ‘If you don’t listen to me and don’t do these Mitzvahs. And if you consider my decrees loathsome... then I will do the same to you...'
Being on time to your business and skipping Minyin is not a Mitzvah. You can't create Mitzvahs. Mitzvahs are commandments from H'... Taking the family to Disney World for winter break is not a Mitzvah. Paying your dues would be, if you did...

H' is telling us there is a reciprocal relationship... I know you come and eat at Kiddish and don't pay your dues. That's an issue, Rachel. It shows you don't value it...
H’ will make us loathsome. We’ll get burning fevers.
If that doesn’t work. The land gets hit... H' has to take it to the next level. It's the same with the board. If they don't listen to me, you get a messed up wicker looking motif at the Aron... No. You use Jerusalem stone. There is a reason every shul does it... I get a burning fever every time I look at the ark... Maybe it's anger. I don't know. I do know that it feels like our land. Our shul has been destroyed...
If you don't visit the sick, you'll get sick. I'm just trying to get you to be decent people. Maybe to keep a Mitzvah. To do a good deed. To give your rabbi a raise...

Still don’t listen, and behave towards H’ with ‘casualness’ you’ll end up eating your children’s flesh (26:29). Well how about that one?!
It's reciprocal. You treat people like the board, you get a messed up shul and you get a Kiddish with no Kichel. No Danish. No Kugel. No choolante. Just people... If there was no Kugel at Kiddish, I am sure many in our congregation would go cannibalistic... I've seen how you attack the egg salad, Bernie. Animals... 

Yes. There is accountability in the Torah. I know that doesn’t speak well to the parents of this shul who think it’s OK for their kids to take all the Danish at Kiddish.
It's a relationship with H'. And that is made stronger with decent potato Kugel.

There are levels to the punishments. H’ is very creative. We’ll even lose the Mikdash (Temple) and the land will become desolate. I think I have received the highest level of punishment. Being a rabbi to you.
Then what...

(Vayikra 26:36-39) Survivors will flee from enemies. ‘They will stumble man over his brother like running from the sword, but there is no pursuer...’ Kind of like our softball team. I pray we have a better year this year. We got embarrassed by Beth Tikvah and Yankel. When you get embarrassed by Yankel... You weren't running the bases, Baruch. You ran home. You ran to your house.
Nothing is worse than fear. You will run from nothing... Bernie is just clumsy. 
Rashi teaches (26:37) You will have fear. ‘This one will stumble over each the other’s sins, for all of Israel is responsible for each other.’
We have fear when we're not together. When you can't get a Minyin and everybody is trying to pull in people off the street. Chaos. Fear... It's because you don't care about your brethren and sistren. Do you know how many times I've stumbled over Ethel talking about Sadie??? Sin. How many times I've stumbled over Mark, who can't pay his dues because he's playing Blackjack...

You know who H' keeps His covenant with. It is our soldiers. They don't run in fear. They care about their brethren and sistren. They are responsible for their nation. When you're responsible for others, you value them. You value H' and His Mitzvahs... Because you care about the nation, Bernie. You pay dues, Mark. You understand that Sadie can be annoying too. I get it Ethel. But calm down. Sadie has a right to love wicker... I can't stand the new wicker facade. It is truly causes hatred.

Respect what is being done, or it won’t respect you.
People have to help out a bit. That’s how you show Kavod. We got the Gabai doing everything. Leading services. Announcing pages. Getting other people to lead services- which is him... Do you just ask yourself to lead... You're a Gabai. Stop trying to sound like a Chazin... 
Pavarotti never turned to his audience, ‘See page five in the pamphlet... Ahhhh.’ It sounds off. And you don’t even have a good voice.

Be one who cares about their people, and you will not be casual to H'. You won't be casual to your shul... We're not in Israel. You don't wear jeans on Shabbis...
Give something. You don’t even pay dues. Maybe pay your pledge... Somebody flips your tabs every year???!!! There's a tab flipper who is responsible for the phantom pledges... It’s a pledge. Pay it... Nobody in the office was flipping the cards.
What are these pledge cards used for anyways. When was the last time somebody paid one of these?... Yes. I am asking our president. He hasn't paid it either...

There are gambling issues in the shul. You gambled on the new awning. And you gambled on the new wicker motif. A bad decision. And one that has caused punishment... I feel punished...

Lag BOmer was not a punishment from H'. That was just the inability of our membership to contain a fire. We will try to contain the fire next year, to not set the badminton net ablaze... No. We don't trust members of this congregation.

Serving on the board of our shul has done nothing for our country. That’s why we don’t honor you. You have shown no responsibility. A desecration to H'... I hate the board...

(Vayikra 26:40--46) When we confess our sins, H’ will bring us back to our land. He never fully forgets us, for He keeps his covenants. Unlike the Gabai of our shul who can't get a page right.
We must confess our sins. If we can get the president of the congregation to come up here right now...

Just keep the Mitzvahs for crying out loud. Every sermon, I have to tell you to keep the Mitzvahs. If there was a punishment maybe you would act right. You wouldn't be causal with H'. There wouldn't be Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah dress down Saturdays...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi finally said it. 'I hate the board.'

They were so excited when they heard the book was finished. They though they would come to shul and never have to hear the Layning again. They thought Torah reading was over and they would be able to have Kiddish a half hour early every week. I think it’s the Layner that kills the shul experience for everybody. It's like hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy every week.

Those kids take all the Danish. Every time. And they don't even eat Danish. They think it's a big cookie and then get their hands full of whatever that filling stuff is. Then Kiddish is spent cleaning their hands.
When the rabbi spoke about eating their children's flesh, the congregants didn't even bat an eye. They were thinking their kids took the Danish, they can't eat that now.

It comes off wrong when the one guy does it all, announcing the pages and going Chazanish. It's like they're punishing me.

I’m not paying the Yom Kippur Appeal tab. The shul should know people don’t pay those donations. That’s taking advantage of people who are in an emotional state, praying for their lives. That’s exploitation of Teshuva. A conspiracy of appeal card fraud took place. I heard that behind the scenes the shul had its office staff flipping the tabs.

Gambling issues are big. They brought a casino to the community. The shul couldn't even have the casino night fundraiser last year. People said they would rather give their money to the Siatica Casino. To quote, 'The chairs at Siatica are much more comfortable than the shul's pews. You want to sit there for longer. It's because Siatica cares about us.'

Lag BOmer was messed up. Couldn’t get the fire started. Then they did and it was a situation. Badminton went up and we had to call off the Upsherin when the child's hair caught on fire.

Board members wanted credit for serving. The chutzpah. Like they’ve served their country by making decision as to when to close the parking lot before Shabbis. Like they served their congregation by putting up wicker around the Aron Kodesh.
Thank Gd there are no soldiers in our shul. A shul of very lazy people. A covenant of laziness. The membership keeps that covenant.

When the rabbi said, ‘For crying out loud,’ it said it all. That made the point.

As I have learned over my many years in Yeshiva, the Super Bowl is a Jewish holiday. We will claim it as Jewish. Nobody is showing up to shul or learning Torah on Super Bowl night. Hence, it's a Jewish holiday, and there are traditions. Here are some of them.

Discuss How Jews Are Involved
If you know anybody at the game, you bring them up at the party.
A camera guy is a cousin of a friend's relative. Let the people know. It's tradition. A commercial actor who didn't make it in LA is in the background of a Super Bowl commercial. Let people know.
Nothing makes for more Jewish pride than saying there is a Jew there. Spotting a Kippah in the stands of a broadcast is Jewish pride. Note the Jew. The definition of Jewish pride is being able to say, 'I saw a Jew on TV.' It brings back memories of the pride I felt as a kid when I was watching two Jews fight on Springer with Yarmulkes on.

Make Somebody Jewish
Find a way to make somebody in the game Jewish. After going through the players and coaches, settle on the owner. As long as they're Jewish, it counts. Maybe a Niners fan is Jewish. The tradition is to say a Jew is involved.
Over the years I have learned to identify every Jew. As a Jew, I have learned to single Jews out of a crowd. If I wasn't Jewish, some might call me anti-Semetic. But I am Jewish, and I only do it to identify the bad athletes.
Turns out not the owners of the Chiefs or Niners are not Jewish. Though it makes the tradition harder, use that as a way to combat antisemitism. Tell your friends at work that Jews don't own everything, so they can find a different reason to hate us.
If finding a Jew is hard, find a Jewish connection. 'Mike Brown is a Christian Zionist.' Zionist is close enough to Jewish.
 
Figure Out Who Is Going To Win Based on Kabbalah
Somebody has to give a Dvar Torah. Somebody sharing words of Torah at the meal is tradition. They can't just sit and enjoy the game. They have to justify their watching the game with Torah, ruining the experience for me.
You can say something like, 'Eighty-eight in Gematria is the Hebrew Word for "Chief." There will be eighty-eight points.' We love predicting with Hebrew letters based on numbers. Now you can give a nice Torah speech at the party, and disrupt the game.
Note: The Kabbalistic prediction usually happens after the game. Don't use it to place a bet. Placing bets you'll lose is Asur.
 
Talk About How Much the Seats Cost
The commentators are pointlessly conversing about the catch made over the secondary. Why?! I want to know how much that guy paid for the ticket in the third row. That is more dramatic. Why are they not talking about Mark’s new business he opened and the Disney vacation he gave up for the seat in section 2A?!
Couple that with the conversation about how a half minute ad costs over five million dollars and you have fulfilled the requirement of the Super Bowl Seder.
 
Focus on the Commercials
...and the chicken wings.
What we will talk about on Monday. Not the game. I have never met somebody at shul who knew what happened in a Super Bowl. But they know what Dunkin' Donuts and State Farm did.
And watch the game during halftime. I don't know why. The game is not going on. It's tradition.

Prayer Break
Special mention to my devout brethren who don't watch the halftime show, as they don't want to end up in Gehenim for a football game.
The Maariv break is for the few Jews who understand the game. The ones that didn't grow up religious. They use the halftime opportunity to Daven. Fans of the Niners will put in a word to Gd on behalf of their favorite team. This of course assumes that H' is a football fan, which of course He is not. He is into cricket.
Note: The prayer break helps us if we're rooting for one of the teams. It focuses our Kavanah. 
 
We Eat
They tried to kill them, they lost, let's eat. I believe that's how it goes.

Set Up a Buffet
That's like a Kiddish. A Kiddish with brisket. Every Jewish holiday has brisket. Shabbis has chicken. Chagim have brisket.
And there is a tradition to have four bowls of guacamole.
If you truly are a fan and your team loses, question your faith, and eat more.

Stay Up in Israel
Stay up all night, till the students come to the rabbi and tell him that the time for the morning Kriyat Shema has come. I felt it was important to be blatenly obvious about the Pesach references. Jews should not be subtle at a holiday meal. I learned that from my aunt, who shares her politics while telling everybody else that 'we're not going to talk politics.'

Antisemitism
No Jewish event is complete without antisemitism. Robert Kraft made sure we will get our fill. A Tzadik.

I went back to my alma mater and I found so many anti-Israel protest tables on the quad. I had to stick up for Israel and our people. I won't say the name of the alma mater, as it is an Ivy League, and the students are apparently very dumb. I am worried for the Jewish students on campus now. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.
I had to argue with somebody who was vehemently pro-Palestine, which they figured is located somewhere near Thailand. And the arguments got worse from there. Here are some of the arguments I had with these very well-educated people.

It's Not Antisemitism Argument
I told them that their anti-Israel sentiments were exactly antisemitism. And I asked, 'Why are there always attacks on Jewish communities in America or Europe when Arabs attack Jews in Israel?!' One student exclaimed, 'Israel is located in Europe. You fool.'
I received a strong argument in return that it’s only anti-Israel, as a Jew right next to us with a Kippah was being chased by a Palestinian flag.

I had to explain to one pro-Palestinian protester that 'Allah Akbar' does not mean 'kill Jews.' I was personally offended when one student said it means to not have control over your vehicle when you're driving it in a crowd. When I told them that the translation is 'Gd is greatest,' they explained to me how it's the same thing. 
Later that day, they were not cheering 'Allah Akbar' anymore. They were just chanting 'Kill the Jews.' I asked why they took out 'Allah Akbar.' They explained to me that they checked with some of their Muslim friends what Allah Akbar means and their Muslim friends said Jews have the same belief. They said, 'If that's the case. We hate Akbars.'
I asked why these students for finger paint as a real art were so involved in this anti-Israel protest. They said, 'Because we are atheists, and we believe the Gd of the Muslims is the true Gd.'
How finger painting turned into a college course, I have to ask the administration. I believe there was a protest and they gave in.

One very bright Ivy League woman said they’re not anti-Semites. She was holding a banner that said, ‘All Jews should die.’ I asked how that’s not antisemitism. She said, ‘Jews should die. But I still love them.’

The What Hamas Really Wants Argument
It's hard to make peace with people whose only stated goal is to kill you. I let the student know that this is their goal. One student looked at me blankly, ‘Then what is the problem?’

I told one liberal who was chanting 'give peace a chance,' that this isn't Vietnam. I told them that Hamas wants to destroy Israel and kill the Vietnamese. They said, 'Because the Vietnamese are Jews.'
I showed them a video of Hamas leaders telling them to kill Jews. They kept on saying that is not what Hamas is about. They said they trust Hamas. I said, 'Then you should trust what they say.'​ They let me know that that sentiment is anti-Hamas 'which is very offensive, and I am hurt.' I was thus introduced to the logic of how Palestinians want peace with Israel when they say that Jews should die and that Israel should not exist.
I showed them the Hamas charter which says to avoid any negotiations for peace and to destroy Israel or die through martyrdom. They said, 'You still have to negotiate.' I reiterated that they are against negotiation. They said, 'Then you should negotiate with them.' When I explained that negotiations by definition need the other people, they said, 'Stop lying.'

Acts of Terror
I was not dissuaded when the non-student, who was apparently a student, somehow, though they were not part of the university, argued that shooting from behind their children is to be commended. I asked for an explanation, and they told me that 'as long as Hamas does it, it’s OK.'
It got out of hand when they argued, 'Using civilians to protect your fighters is a good idea. All is fair in love and war.' I exclaimed, 'But they are not fighting their own civilians.' To which they said, 'The Gazan civilians are Jewish.'
I told them about the inhumanity of the human shield. They said, 'And warriors have always had shields.' I told them that they had shields made of metal, not babies. They said, 'You use what you have.' 

Follow-up Notes
I have a hard time arguing with such hatred for the Olam, the world. There is no Emes in what these students that aren't students are arguing on behalf of their professors. I knew there was no coming back when the pro-choice girl said that rape is fine if it's part of your culture.
Then they blamed the Gazan Jews for hitting the hospital with a rocket through the Jews of Islamic Jihad. 
I hope I am better equipped to go back and educate them next week. I have to work on my ability to convince them that Israel exists in Israel.

***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. And may we see the return of our people that have been kidnapped, as we pray for their health and immediate return. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities, and the heartfelt gratitude to our soldiers. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm