Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology. 
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it.
If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English.

Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante.
Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin.
Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. 
Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things.
Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite.
Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak.
Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul.
Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’
Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other.
Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher.
Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. 
Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk.
Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money.
Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man.
Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish.
Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. ​
Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil.
New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate.
Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. 
Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers.
Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources.
Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man.
Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him.
Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence.
Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. 
Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. 
Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread.
Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling.
Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas.
Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. 
Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat.
Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba  and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse.
Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing.
Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him.
Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People.
Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we...

I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat.
Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism.
May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman.

Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement,  but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that.
You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood.
 
Honey on First Letter of The Torah
When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days.
This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor.
You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah.
 
Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School
As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’
I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument.
I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child.
 
Kids go to Shul for Candy
Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets.
Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone.
Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem.
We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word.
I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem.

The Candyman
There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman.
​All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education.
The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys.
 
Jewish Rituals
Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy.

​As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.'
To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months, including the holidays. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.

The Wise Men of Chelm have been absent from Jewish literature for many years. Why? Because nobody has been reporting what has been going on in Chelm. The newspaper went out of business when the decision was made that people reading interferes with social interaction. This ban, put out by the sisterhood, led to many members being accused of elitism as they continued playing Sudoku, and that is arguably a book.
The decision in shul was made that people are not allowed to use Siddurs (prayer books) anymore, as people looking inside interferes with conversation during services. And that is rude.

Generations have passed and the tradition of Chelm remains, with newer, wiser men and women, who have all joined the board of Chelm. I am here to report to you some of the stories that I came across, despite the lack of news coverage.
This is how the Wise Men of Chelm killed the Shabbat services last year, thanks to the decisions of the board. I am not saying they’re unwise. I am just saying that I hope they changed things around since then.
Here are the decisions that led to the Joint Distribution Committee (JDC) having to come in to help the community get back on its feet. 

A New Door
A gust of wind hit the shul’s door and it was thrown off its hinges. The community did not know what to do, so for safety, they boarded up the entrance, until a decision could be made. That Shabbat, there was no Minyan, as nobody could figure out how to open the boarded up entrance with the shul key.
The maintenance staff said they could fix the door, but the wise men and women of Chelm knew they weren't wise enough for such a job.

The idea to fix the door was brought up to the board. “We should purchase new hinges for the door,” said Yankel. “Oy,” Moishele objected, “He knows nothing. We have to fix a door. And this fool brings up hinges?!” The board was in a panic and had no idea what to do. At that moment, Berel the Gabai raised a fresh idea. “We will buy new doors,” he exclaimed. And all were in awe. “This is why we have a Gabai,” Fayge shouted with joy.
As the group went shopping, they saw many wooden ornate doors of elegance, but every one of them needed to be attached with hinges. Bayla knew these doors could not work. She continued, “We are a shul. We need building doors. Not hinges.” Shaindel agreed, "We already decided against hinges." 

A beautiful set of glass doors glistened in the corner of the shop. They were all amazed and drawn to their shine. Rabbi Fishel told the board how great these would look at the entrance to the shul. They all jumped for joy, and reprimanded Yankel, who so foolishly suggested to purchase any hinges. Moishele expressed his delight, “The glass is so beautiful. You can’t even see them.” So, they bought the electric sliding doors.

The next day was Shabbat and the whole community was standing outside. Countless people were gathered outside. One asked the next, “Why is nobody going into shul?” A thought arose in Duvidel’s mind, “We can’t use these doors on Shabbat. That is why no one is going into shul. They’re run electronically. We are not allowed to use electricity on Shabbat.” Berel, the Gabai, was there to help explain, “These are weekday doors. These are not Shabbat doors. We will come back tomorrow and use them when Shabbat is over.”
Chutzpadik Duvidel asked, “Then why don’t we return these doors, so that we can pray in the shul on Shabbat?” “Oy!. You foolish man,” Berel replied, “Then what doors will we use during the week?!” And the decision was made again, to not go to shul on Shabbat.

Other Decisions
It was also decided to get iPad prayer books for each seat at shul for Shabbat. That was Shlomo’s idea. As he suggested, “We should get all electric Shabbat items for the shul, as we don’t have to worry about them being used on Shabbat.”
All loved the iPad Siddur idea. Moishele's suggestion that the internet was still social, due to the words 'social media,' was the perfect work around for allowing prayer books back at shul.
The advice of the JDC was to disband the board. Nobody on the board listened to that advice. It came from people who are not wise.