Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe.

A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis
Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water.
You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke.
Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.'
The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.'
You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke.
All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.'

How Far Can a Rabbi See
Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim.
Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!'
The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?!

The Rebbe Who Always Fasted
These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win.
Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how pious my rebbe is. He's so humble, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.'
This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend.

NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are
Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom.
Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.'
In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain.

Conclusion
A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs.
My Abba told these jokes better than me.

Epilogue
We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything.
We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is.
It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already.
Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul.

Announcements
Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school.
 
As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal.
 
It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit.
 
We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once.

Rabbi Mendelchem's  Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes...
When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie.
The question is who sees the sword...

Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you...

And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima...
(Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters...

(Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’
Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you.
When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. 
Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals.

(22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock.
This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten...
It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking...
The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important...

Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast...
The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. 

The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot...

Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery.

We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... 
Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that.

'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance.

The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse.
He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping.

Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul.
They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board.
The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement.
When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee.

Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president.

I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish.

They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul.
That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent.
The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent.
The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody.
Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me.

How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough.
Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ 
The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam.

Summer is here and many people have asked me how to get in shape. People want to look good, in the Catskills and I get it. It's summertime and that means it's time to get that Bungalow Body where you look good at the pool in a Tshirt. 
I myself have been working on the Shul Body for many years. After hitting the gym, I've finally got my Shul Body down, and I am looking good in the suit. I wear double-breasted. Let me take you through some of the shul lifts and plyometric routines so you too can stay in shape during Musaf too.

Hagba Torah Lifts
Powerlifting at its core. This is a squat with an extra shoulder press, involving the biceps as well. What you do is take the two Torah poles and lift the Torah. Open more scroll columns for more strain on Jewish muscle. This is also a good way to showoff your strength to all the devout people in shul. It may even get you a Shidduch.
To add difficulty to the movement, allow the Gabbai (sexton) to choose a child for Galilah who has no idea how to role the Torah scroll back and cover it. You allow them to choose a child whose arms can’t reach the top of the Torah staves, with no motor skills. This forces you to sit there, balancing the Torah with your forearms for an extra few minutes, adding an unnecessary strain and frustration. Great full body workout, with one goal of the Torah not falling.
 
Kiddish Wrestling
This usually happens at what is known as a Hot Kiddish. The post service snack allows for some excellent physical altercation with Fran, by the choolent. Fran might be small at ninety-six, but her low center of gravity at 4'8" makes it hard to move her from the table. The aerobic and strength workout from wrestling Fran for a decent piece of kishka, potato kugel and sponge cake is amazing. The grappling engages the core, along with the whole body. 
You may walk away from this workout with some battle scars. There is no shame in going up against Fran.
 
Candy Attacking
At Bar Mitzvahs when the candies get thrown at the kid, this is a physical competition. Like any sport, you want to have proper equipment and gear. As you are going to have to dive on the floor and tackle some children to get the Sunkist Fruit Gems, you will want some knee pads on your suit pants.
Throwing the candy as hard as you can at the Bar Mitzvah boy is also good work for your agility.

The Carlebach
This is a full-on group dancersize workout. The prayer songs get going and you do a side to side jump, then you mix it up with a circle dance around the shul to the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay.' All dancing should be in hop formation.
The singing actually gets your aerobic system working double time.

The Baby Cry and Carry
This is a great core workout. You lift your baby and run out of the shul. This is also works as a great excuse when you want to get out of the rabbi's sermon.
To make this work, you want to make sure your child is crying. If they’re three and up, running around the shul or talking can also be an impetus for a set. The older they are, the more beneficial the movement. I’ve seen some serious shul rats lifting their college kids and running out with them. The amount of cardiovascular and strength work a long sermon can cause is greatly beneficial to those congregants looking to for that Shul Body.

There are many other shul workouts known as Helping. But I don't want to chase anybody away from enjoying their exercise. Seeing how much dues are will also work up a sweat.
Next time we will education you on other ways to exercise in shul around the holidays with Lulav sparring and Yom Kippur floor bending with your hand on a chair for support, also known as Jewish burpees.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.

Some people have a tradition of showing up to shul late on the 33rd day of the Omer. Because it‘s Lag BOmer. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? To lag. Lag BOmer. Lagging. Showing up late. Taking your time. ‘Lag‘ in Lag BOmer is not pronounced that way, yet it still works - the value of the written word of pun.
 
The rabbi told them to only do a few Mitzvahs. The rav explained, 'The Torah said "decrees."' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Decrees. Decrease. He misunderstood. They‘re different words and pronounced differently. But it's still a pun and brilliant. As we again share with you the value of the written word. Education.
 
The government closed my bank account and told me 'relax.' They said 'Eekool.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Be cool. Eekool. In Hebrew it sounds the same. If an Israeli was saying it, it would be exactly the same. I heard this pun from an Israeli ventriloquist. An Eekool is when a government agency shuts your bank account in Israel. They think it‘s cool.
 
What do you tell someone who almost did a Mitzvah? Close but no Schar. (Mordechai)
You get it? Close but no cigar is the usual saying. Schar means reward. Cigar and Schar sound almost similar. Thus, education. Not just almost a pun. And we take pride in this.
 
How do you know the food H' gave the Jews in the desert didn’t stay warm on Shabbis? Cause that would be Hot-manna. (Mordechai)
You get it? Manna is the food in the desert. Not hot-manna. Just manna. And there is more to this pun. Hotmanna is covering a pot to keep food warm on Shabbat. You can't do that on Shabbat. You can only do it before Shabbis. Manna, Hotmanna. Sounds the same. Manna in Hotmanna is part of the word, not food. Another pun of education. A pun that teaches the youth.

A member of the shul locked themselves in the rabbi's office and asked a lot of questions that bothered the rabbi. They were committeed. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Committed, as in a crime. Or committed to an asylum. The crime here is being part of a committee. Committeed.
 
Objectors of Aaron and Moshe wrapped Charoset and Maror with Matzah to put on a frying pan, blaming it on Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korech on Pesach is the wrapping of Matzah with Charoset... Korach was the leader against Moshe and Aaron. Korach sounds like Korech. Almost. It's close. Another chance to teach the children.

Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up.

The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up.

Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week.
We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know.

Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul.
All classes this week are cancelled.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right...
Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though...
From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah...

(Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault.
We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am.

(Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late...
They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse.

Things have to be done at the right time.
Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome.

Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd...
Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?!

Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing.
The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew...
Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees...
We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out...

But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach...
Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva...
A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?!
You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times.

Rivka's Rundown
A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them.
That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club.

The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair.

Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time.
The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise
When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them.

The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well.

So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’
They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’
The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class.

It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up.

It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that.
It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around.
Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us.
They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie.
A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are.

They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers.
The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave.

Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils.
 
Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.'
 
We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel.
 
Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares.
 
Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise...

(Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out.
Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?...

We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie.
Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’
I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen...

(Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues.
It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours...

This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went.
It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer.

You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul.
Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up...
Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had.
You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days.

You are ruining the shul community.
Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves.

The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel...
If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots...
Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion…

Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this...

We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews.
Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious.

Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants.

The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community.
They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.'

The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm.
Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.'
The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people.
The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.'
It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him.

This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to.

Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run.
These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up.

Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’

A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem.

I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages.

When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi.

After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp.
Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
After a full conversation with his children right outside of  the entrance to the shul, at full volume, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying.

Sam: I didn't distract anybody.

Member 5: This is distracting.

Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin.

Sam: No I didn't.

Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. 

Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.'

Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening.
 
Member 1: That was disruptive.

Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. That distracted me.

Sam: I went to the hall to not disrupt.

Member 1: In the hall you got louder. You shouted, 'At least here I can talk at a normal level.'

Member 4: Sam. Your normal level is whatever we can hear while we're trying to Daven.

Member 3: You told your son, 'I can't stand those guys in the Minyin. I had to leave because they're Davening is bothering me. I can't hear you in there.'

Member 1: You stood right there.
Member 1 points to a foot outside the door.
You were right there.

Member 3: The door was open.

Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. Then he said, 'I'm outside the shul now.'

The Chazin gives up and storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader.

Sam: What's with him?!

Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY   (FLASHBACK to FIVE MINUTES EARLIER)
A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock.
You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people.  Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Stands a foot outside the shul.

Sam (Out of Scene from the hall - loud): They're so loud in there.

Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening?

Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call.

Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls.

You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation.
The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead, showing frustration. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated.

Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. And he hasn't moved. He is right at the door. That's not the hall.

Member 3: It's the hall. Just kind of in the shul too. Why is he talking so loud?

Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him.

Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?!

Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell.

Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project.

There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again.

Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha.

Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me?

Member 3: I think it's a grandkid.

Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening.

Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.'

Scene 3
INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY
After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder.

Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer.

Member 5: Silence is relative to age.

Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud.

There is head nodding of agreement.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. There was a very long conversation about that during services. That was the conclusion.
The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven.
And the Minyin is still trying to figure out why the older members of the congregation get so loud on the phone. Member 3 hypothesized that the rotary phones didn't have as good of reception.

At the heart of the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (the silent prayer that you do out loud) is the Kedusha. It's at this moment that the cantor, Chazin, Bal Tefilah, or guy leading the prayers that is louder than everybody else, has a chance to sing. So, they do it. Here are some key notes to help you pick the correct tunes when leading services, and to understand the tunes of holiness we use in our tradition.

Go Slow
As the leader, you want the congregants frustrated. For this, you sing. Just when they think Davening will end soon, sing more.
The tunes chosen should be slow and long. This keeps people in shul. It is part of the Jewish laws regarding suffering and how you are a better person if you suffer longer. During the Kedusha they can’t run. They have to stand in one spot in solemnity. You keep them longer there. If the song moves too fast, be sure to add NayNayNays. That can keep any song going for another hour or so. Slowdown and add NayNayNays.

Songs to Use During Your Kedusha
Many Chazins like to sing something catchy. This means 'VAtah Ba'anim Shiru' or the Black Eyed Peas' 'I Got a Feeling.' Personally, I'm a fan of the more sentimental Jewish songs, such as TLC's 'Unpretty.'
'A Million Dreams' is always a good one. I believe that song is Frum.
Throughout the ages, Chazanim have worked endlessly to develop tunes for our prayer services. Forget those melodies. That all ended in the 1980s when Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock learned about the Beach Boys a decade late. Since then, as the pop charts have changed, Tefillah has developed. Hence, now we praise Gd with Nigunim by MBD, Uncle Moishy and Kid Rock.

Fitting Words into A Song
This is a developed skill. You have chosen the song. Now you must finesse it.
No modern songs produced by Sony Music are written to Naritzcha. Shwekey has done well with these lyrics, why can't Sony put out an LP?!
Bruno Mars is an excellent song writer. However, he has yet to have composed an Anim Zemirot melody. Or maybe he did. I think I heard it. It's confusing. Point is, you take whatever song and reappropriate it as Jewish with words that don't fit. I am sure the Etz Chaim Hi tune topped the charts in the Balkans in the 1520s.
My woke friends have assured me reappropriating is OK if it's for spiritual reasons. For spiritual reasons, you also don't have to pay for the rights to the music. 

Naritzcha to Mimkomcha
Chazins want to make the Tefillah more meaningful. Many have asked how to choose specific songs for specific parts of the Kedusha. You don't. You wake up Shabbat morning and go with the song that is stuck in your head. One Chazin was doing the Kivodo part of the Kedusha to Barnie's 'Brushing My Teeth On Top.' I believe they were trying to get their child to brush that morning. That is how tradition develops.
Simon and Garfunkel has made it into the lexicon of Kedusha songs. Back in the '70s your average Jew woke up to the radio playing 'Scarborough Fair.' Hence, sung as tradition along with 'Sound of Silence' in many shuls.
There are traditional cantorial melodies for these. But nobody uses them, because they're good. You don't feel the requisite pain of suffering if it's good.

How to Fit the Words
It's a challenge to fit five words into one note. Yet, the skilled Bal Tefillah does it with ease, and no concern for the melody. A savvy Bal Tefillah has the ability to leave the congregation in shock, wondering what he just did, while continuing onto the NayNayNay portion Bruno Mars did not anticipate.
Here is the secret to all modern-day Jewish shul song composition. Syllabalize. As the Chazin, pick any song. Pick whatever song you want. It makes no difference. Then you fit the words into the tune. Any song works if you force enough words into a note. By the way, 'Kivodo Maleh Olam uMshortav Shoalim Zeh Lazeh' is one syllable.

Make Them Wait Longer
Musaf, the added prayer on Shabbat and holidays, is the perfect time to go off with more tunes. Focus on the Musaf's Kedusha. It is at this point that they have already been in shul for two and a half hours. The longer you can extend this part of the prayer, the more pain they will feel. NayNayNays must be added here. NayNayNays after three hours in shul adds to frustration and anger, and thus opens up the gates of heaven.
Now that they think the singing is done. Don't stop there. There is so much more you can do with vShamru tunes and Modims during your repetition of the Amidah. And don't forget the Sim Shalom. That is your Shabbat morning finale. Go out very long. Better yet, repeat the word 'Sim' as many times as you can. That will definitely get them folding their Tallises.
Want to add to the anger, get the choir backing it up with NayNayNays.

You know you have done your job, keeping with the traditional songs of the Kedusha written by Pink and Bruno Mars, if people are folding their Tallises in a rage of anger and rushing to Kiddish.
Next time we will focus on more Tefillah songs, such as those written by Men at Work.

The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud.

Slow and Soft Thought Method
Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything.
Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it.
Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all.

Make Them Wait
The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you.
Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. 

Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound
Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps.
Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. 

Silent Method of Holiness
It's very holy to not talk.
Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do.
If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers.
The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness.
Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability.

Squint
Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light.
This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner.

Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema
The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema.
Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy.
I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's.
If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier.

A Long Amidah
After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah.
Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy.
To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out.

Dress Holy
This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits.
As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method.

Have a Safer Open at All Times
It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy.
It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book.

Keep Your Head Down
Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun.

You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss.

In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.)
You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn.

And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness.
I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are.

The only way to look good in shul is to be noticed. And the only way to do that is to be very loud. Make noise and you will look good. You will at least look like you know what's going on.
You want to make noise while other people are trying to pray with Kavanah. We've dealt with this in the past. Yet, I still have much to help with regarding getting oneself noticed in shul. I have learned much from my years in around the Kehilah. I am a wealth of Frum knowledge, and I shall share a Bissel more with you.

Chuch a lot
Clear your throat as much as possible. When starting a Tefillah, when turning a page, when greeting people in the middle of the silent Amidah prayer; these are all opportunities to Chuch. This tradition began in the early 1900s. It must’ve. Every older guy in my shul does this. I am guessing it dates back to Eastern Europe. A lot of Chuching in Lithuania.
Coughing and sneezing is also a tradition from the old country. I don't know how they are able to cough that loud, but the sound of mucus from Lithuania in there is very noticeable.

Get Involved in Aliyahs to the Torah
Nobody asks you. Chutzpah. You turned down the Gabai job. That doesn't mean you don't make the decisions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t complain to the Gabai.
Anytime you have a chance to tell somebody how to do their job, you’re important. Hence, you should always be telling the Gabai and Chazin what to do. Tell the Gabai who to call up. If it's a Kohen in a Yisrael spot, you still look good getting involved, telling the people what to do. Better yet, just say 'you're doing it wrong.'

Tell the Baal Tefillah to Go Faster
You don't have to be a Gabai for this either. You just have to be loud. Chazin is going at the right speed for the prayers, who cares. Tell him 'faster.' Then, tell him 'slower.' The goal is to let him know he is doing nothing right.
Better yet, just say, 'You're doing it wrong.' Disapproval means importance. Again, telling people what to do fashions importance. Especially when you're telling them that they're doing it wrong.

Pace
This will get you noticed. Physical movement is key to being noticed. Sometimes, yelling at people and telling them they are wrong doesn't do the job.
Walk around the shul. Go over to people. Add in a talk for extra importance affect. I suggest the waving the hands method. Waving of your arms is also a good way to ruin people's Kavanah. If you can breakdance, do it. The pilot will definitely draw attention. Do not bring a boombox. I have seen people get kicked out of shul for that. Your smartphone can do the job.
The Movement Method of being noticed is why shuckling became very popular in the Yeshiva world in the early 1980s.

Go Loud Every Once in a While
Nobody would be loud if they didn't understand what was going on. A good loud Hebrew word gets you noticed. Time it at every two and a half minutes and it will sound good. 'Ya'aleh vYavo' is a good one to shout. Stick to that one and you'll be good. Forget about Rosh Chodesh.
Mumbling loud works as well. It keeps the other congregants guessing, and it sounds like Hebrew spoken by an Ashkenazi.

Move Stuff
Organize the shul in the middle of Davening. Bring in a sofa. If that doesn't work. A freezer and a generator might help you get noticed.

Looks of Disapproval
Give a look of disapproval with an audible breath. A complaint, especially when loud, shows you're running things. Perfect way of showing complaint and importance. You can add in a headshake of disapproval for loud movement purposes.
Best is when the Chazin is leading the Davening at the correct speed. At that point, express disapproval. Only a Chashiv person can pull that. And remember to tell them, 'You're doing it wrong.'

​Ask for Tzedaka
That seems to be a religious thing to do. Ask for Tzedaka while people are trying to pray. And that was another anti-Semitic moment.

Talk
Talk to people. Middle of prayers, talk to people. Have full-on regular conversation. Only somebody who is important would have a full conversation at regular volume in shul.
I hear somebody talking in the middle of Shacharit, I'm thinking, 'This is an important guy. He must have something to say about weeding a garden.'

Kick Somebody Out of Your Seat
If you really want to look good, kick somebody out of a seat. People will see that and they will respect you. It doesn't even have to be your seat. Just kick them out. 
If you can tell somebody they're sitting in your seat, you've made it. Especially if you haven't paid your dues yet. Just the ability to say 'that is my seat' when showing up an hour late to Davening, that looks good. That's a powerful man. One who garners respect.

A Really Big Hat
A huge hat will do the job. Just wear a big hat, huge brim, and you're good to go. That will disturb everybody's Kavana.

These are just a few ways to be noticed in shul. If we learned nothing, being noticed looks good no matter what you do. I am sure, as a member of the congregation you'll find a way to be noticed.
You're important if you tell people what to do. So, get better at that. Remember, as long as you think you look good, you look good. And looking good means being noticed.
Bang a table. In addition to the methods we discussed, bang a table. Even if it's not Rosh Chodesh. Just bang a table real loud. That will get you noticed, and scare people. They notice your bang, they'll never take a chance sitting in a seat. And remember to always tell people they're doing it wrong.
If nothing else works, join the Kiddish club. Those guys are loud.

Next week we shall discuss the Holy Method of being noticed and outlouding your Hebrew in a holy way when outdoing the rabbi with your Shema and a loud Chuch.

I just found out there are more ways to disturb my Kavanah in shul. It didn't take long. Just one day. I have to interact with these people, and they easily annoy me. 
Just watching them interact bothered me. And they’re loud. Here is more ways they disturbed me, since yesterday.

Hugs
A loud embrace. It's not just a hug. It's a hug with a pat. A loud dramatic pat of two overweight guys.
The hug interrupted my whole Davening. I didn't realize embraces can be so loud. Then they went for hitting. I thought it was a pat, but it sounded more like whacks. Slapping each other. It was a violent show of affection from one Frum Jew to another.
Then an 'Ah... good to see you.' As if the three minute embrace slap wasn't loud enough to disturb the silent prayer.

Kids
Brought the little ones. They decided that shul is the right place for preschoolers. Seeing Bernie and Feivel fight over an Aliyah is an important part of early childhood education. Watching them fight and tracing the Aleph bet in the Siddur.
Constant child education. I have to see them teaching and disciplining for my morning Shacharit. I didn't realize one child could do everything wrong. And then I have to see them eating Cheerios in a bag. That is the shul food of choice for a child.

Shushing
Why is his Shush louder than his kids?! Rule I adopted: To stop other people from disturbing, you should be quieter than them.

The Welcomer
This guy was given the job because he couldn't stop talking in shul.

Conversation
If all else doesn't work, they go to conversation. Full on conversation. Not a Hello or Shalom. Full on, 'How is your family doing?' in the middle of the Torah reading. Anything to kill my Kavanah.

Takes the Cellphone Call
Took the call in shul. Middle of Shacharit, answered the call. Pressed the green button and started asking how the grandkids were. He realized that was disturbing, so he went to the hall and put the phone on speaker. As loud as the speaker goes.
Comes back into the shul, after the speaker phone hallway fiasco, and slams his chair. Had to slam the chair. Had to let us know he was finished with his call and ready to feng-shui the shul.

Random Out Loud Hebrew Words
The guy next to me randomly goes loud to show his Kavanah. Like he's competing with the rabbi. The Chazin is definitely second fiddle to 'Modim' guy.
I once said Amen to Modim guy finishing the 'Sim Shalom' Bracha of the Amidah. I was disturbed that the Chazin skipped the rest of the repetition. Then I realized it was Modim guy. Why I have to know this guy is doing Modim every silent Amidah still baffles me. It throws off my Kavanah for a good fifteen minutes. Till the end of Davening, I'm corner eyeing this guy. And then his YaAleh vYavo on Rosh Chodesh. They hear that all the way at youth groups.

Shemonah Esrei Out Loud
The silent prayer was done with full audible. The only guy in shul who doesn't know it's called the silent prayer because you're supposed to do it silently.
Come to think of it, I don't know if I'm hearing anything coming out of his mouth. It's just the lips. He moves his lips very loudly. It's more annoying than hearing the words. Yes. Hearing the lips move is more annoying.

Sitting Right Next to Me
Who sits right next to a guy?! We're not in a relationship.
There's a whole pew and he sits right on me. As if pews are meant for more than one person. H' knows we're praying together. We don't have to be holding hands in unison. Saying 'Amen' without yelling it does the job.
I would never go to a movie with this guy. A whole row of open chairs and he decides he wants to share an armrest.

Walking
Then I have a guy starting a walking group in the back of the shul. Calls it pacing. Like it's another form of Shuckling.

Handshake
Like fraternity brothers, it was a two-minute shake. After the two-minute overture, it turned out they were trying to prove who was more of a man, through grip. One guy's face got so red because the other guy was cupping his hand. This is what I have to see in the middle of Davening.

The problem is people are comfortable at shul. That's why it's impossible to pray with these people. But it's a Minyin. H' hears all of us. I know I hear them.

They will find a way to interrupt my Davening. That is their goal. I go to shul to pray and these people will do anything to kill my Kavanah. They want to disturb my Davening. That's why they show up to shul. To kill my focus. I can't pray with these people, but I have no choice. I have to. It's a Minyin.
Here is what they do. You can learn from them and bother me during Davening too.

They Cough
Loudest coughs I have heard. How do people who have no voice get out such a loud cough. The guy can't even talk. He's too shy to have a conversation. When he coughs, he breaks out of his shell.

Sneeze
I have never heard louder sneezes.
I guess they feel comfortable.  A full 'Hafewy.' They add a 'Ha' and then an 'ee' at the end. Like they're sneezing in Hebrew.

Chuchs
Loudest Chuchs. The cough ends in a Chuch. Sneeze ends with a Chuch. It's not even from the same part of the body as the Chuch, but it ends in a Chuch.
As if the sneezing doesn't disturb my Davening enough with their tissueless Hafewy shpritz. When Hymie flips over a page, it's a Chuch. Don't get me started on the disgustingness of Hymie and Max turning a page. The amount of phlegm coming out of their mouths to get to page 160.
These things are not just loud. They're disgusting. And then, after the Hafewy and Chuch, I has to look at the tissue. I have to see this guy admiring his nasal mucus in the middle of Tachnun.

Singing
So off tune. I don't even know why my shul does anything that is supposed to have a melody. The offness of it kills my Kavanah.
And why is he banging the table, thinking it's a djembe. When they start singing Lecha Dodi, everything in my shul somehow turns into a darbuka. And yes, hitting pews and Siddurs bothers me. As does the guy next to me jumping up and down, like he's hearing the other congregants singing a song to a beat. It's all messed up.

Breathing
Just the way the guy breathes. It's annoying. I've got to hear the guy taking breathes. Anything to disturb me. And then he bends. Does bending come with a noise? Is there a bending noise? Every bend comes with an 'Ahhhh!..'
Space is the only thing that can help. I think if I had a lot of space, I could get through Davening without these people.

Standing
Why is it that standing makes noise? It's louder than the bending. Even just getting up out of a chair comes with a complaint. A loud 'Ahhhh. My back!'

Shuckling
The way some of these people shuckle, back and forth. The swaying. Out of the corner of my eye I have to see this guy rocking in all different directions. They're moving so much. How one moves so much without moving is an anomaly.

Wearing A Scarf
Why is he wearing a scarf? Winter is almost over. I can't Daven looking at that. Is he trying to throw off my Davening. And we're inside. Is there a draft in the seventy-eight degree shul for people who forgot to go down to Florida.

Chair Movement
How often must a chair be moved? I have never seen a chair moved as much as a member at Musaf. It's like this guy came to shul to design the thing. I'm trying to answer the Kedusha prayer with Kavanah and he's feng-shuing the pews.

Reconfigure the Shul
How often do people have to arrange Siddurs? I have never been in a shul where somebody didn't have to return Siddurs in the middle of Davening. For some reason, there are always piles of Siddurs in the wrong place. If Jewish day schools would teach kids to put stuff away, I wouldn't have to deal with Pinny piling up Siddurs in the middle of the Amidah.

It’s frustrating but we have to Daven with them and love them. That’s what makes it a Minyin. Being annoyed by these guys.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how David stops people from talking in shul, while he complains about Israeli boardgames and having to come home from Israel to mail, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about puzzles educating children about how a Shabbat table looks.

Throughout the ages shuls have hosted Chanukah parties. And I have taken notes. Here are some of the important ingredients to making the traditional shul Chanukah party a success.

Call it a Gala
What makes it a gala event? No idea. Why do we serve 'delicacies'? That's what Frum Jews call it. Always use words like deluxe, delicacies and gala to describe your use of plasticware.
Deluxe describes everything Frum. Nothing is better than Tuv Taam deluxe tuna fish. The word 'deluxe' brings up the tuna and mayonnaise to a level above salmon. 
How 'deluxe' made it into the Yiddish lexicon? No idea. It's Yiddish.

Festivate Your Table
All tables should have paper plates coated in Chanukah festivities. It should feel like a birthday party without cone hats. And as Frum Jews we celebrate with disposable dishware. One cannot celebrate, serve H', and worry about the environment at the same time.
Streamers help festivate as well, as you can throw them out after the gala.
To celebrate the table should also have a bunch of chocolate Chanukah Gelt. What are we celebrating? Oil. And you celebrate that with chocolate coins.
Chocolate coins also adds to the galaness of the evening.

Menorah Lighting
You want to start the program with a Chanukiah lighting. Depending on how religious your congregation is, will dictate how much of a ceremony it is. If you're a very nonFrum congregation, you will want to call it a Menorah Lighting Ceremony. If you're a very Frum shul, you'll want to call it a Lichting. Preferably, a Deluxe Lichting Gala. That's a full sentence in Yiddish.
At the Lichting you'll say the Bracha and everybody else will be talking. At the Lichting, you also will not find yourself dedicating each candle to a dear member of the congregation who you hope died already.
Note: If you're a not Frum congregation, do not have the Chanukah party on the first night. Only lighting one candle will kill the ceremony. If you're in a bind, light eight candles on the first night and tell them it's the last day of Chanukah. It's only time before the reform community takes Chanukah down to one day as well. It will happen as soon as the gifts get worse.

Gifts for Kids
All kids should have gifts. And all gifts should be bought at the Dollar Tree. If you don't have a Dollar Tree near you, Five Below has a dollar bin area. You can give the children of the congregation Silly Putty from there as well. No child should receive any Chanukah gift that they will enjoy for more than three minutes.
If you have a holiday party at a Jewish nonprofit organization, be sure to have a Secret Shlomo. This way people can feel like they're not doing something Jewish. You may want to also host your Jewish nonprofit Chanukah party on Christmas.
If you're doing a secret gift giving thing for the kids at shul, you should probably call it a Secret Santa. This way the children won't blame Jews for the bad gifts.

Bouncy House
That's what you need to bring Jews. Jews are about tradition.

Chinese Auction
Or you can call it a basket raffle. But that wouldn't offend Asians.
What to raffle off at a Chinese auction? Shabbat Challah trays. Kiddish cups. Netilat Yadaim cups. Yarmulkes. All things that are made in China.

A Dreidel Spinoff
If your child walks away from Chanukah and does not know how to play roulette, something is wrong with the Jewish education that child is receiving.
At my father's shul A"H they had a huge Dreidel. My father A"H would spin the Dreidel and the kids would put their Gelt on whatever letter they figured the Dreidel would end up on. That is what we know as Chinuch, Jewish education.

Latkes
If your shul does not smell disgusting, you have not hosted a proper Chanukah party. The shul should smell disgusting and people should leave feeling disgusting. That is how you know it was a successful gala.

Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur.
What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. 

Nusach Ashkenaz
This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it.
Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. 
At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form.
Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does.
English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service.

Nusach Taiman
This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. 
More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. 
Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often.
Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman.

Nusach Sefarad
Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha.
They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts.
Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out.
The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle.

Nusach HaAri
I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that.
Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri.

Eidut Mizrach
Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach.
Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop.
The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot.
Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist.

Nusach HaGra
This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry.
Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise.

There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven.
From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them.

Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach.

Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.

Weird Looks During Davening
Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis.
For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.'

People Worried About You
That means leftovers.
'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food.
And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge.
Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home.

Random Shidduchim
Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester.
You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea.

Everybody Trying to Set You Up
When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook.

Awkward Moments With Aunts
When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them.

People Are Protective of their Children
Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit.
When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary.
Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you.

They Will Call You a Child
A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur.
I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty.
They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot.

Comments That Make No Sense
'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'
They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away.
This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante.

They Will Expect You To Help
If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time.
If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary.

Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out
You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first.
If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you.

Sit at the Kids Table
They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?!
At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!!
Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids.

If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook.

The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.'
To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.'

Tachnun Before Tisha BAv?
It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis.
Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur.

What Do We Do?
Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.'
But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi.
They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.

The Rabbi Explains
In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given.

Epilogue
For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av.

And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.'
And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back.

Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means.

The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.'
Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.'

The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' 
And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai.
Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. 

Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza.

Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych.

Who Deserves a Yashkoych
If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you.
Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him.
Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs.
Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych.
Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five.
Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better.

Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych
We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit.
One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round.
The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first.

I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul.

You better know when to start repeating the Amdiah, or people will get mad.
How do you repeat the Silent Prayer, the Amidah, out loud? That is a question nobody can answer. Yet, it is done. Hence, we will focus on when to start the repetition of the Amidah, the Chazaras HaShatz.
Knowing when to start the repetition of the Silent Prayer out loud is a skill that takes years of study of the subtlety human expression. Here are some of the signs you'll get from the Gabais and members of shuls, to let you know when to begin.

The Head Nod
That is the most common cue. You're looking for the upward nod. The downward nod is a perplexed guy trying to figure out why the custodian hasn't vacuumed the carpet.
Be sure it's not a side-to-side head shake. That means to not start, and that the guy is confused. It's subtleties. Be sure the eyes are telling you to go. 
Reading the eyes and the Head Nod are not always easy. The first time I got the Head Nod, I thought the Gabai was saying 'Hi.' I stepped away from the Amid (the Chazin's spot) and asked about his kids. He answered me with a 'Nu.' I believe 'Nu' means to start, as I read his eyes and he was not happy. Maybe if his kids brought him more Nachis, he would've been fine getting a coffee.

A Blink
That's it. A blink. That is your indicator. A blink.
Study your Gabais. Before embarking with a blink, be sure the Gabai doesn't have a twitch. If you see the Gabai blinking a lot and harshly, maybe go over to him and ask if he has allergies before starting the repetition.

The Hand
It's a subtle stop sign. That means don't go. The hand comes down a little, that means go. To be honest, the stop and start signs looked very similar. I could swear they were the same exact movement. Though, when I got a nasty look, I knew that meant to start the Chazaras HaShatz. Any nasty look of disappointment means to start the repetition.
Universal Sign: A disappointed look that is usually given to a child that didn't get an 'A', If you get that look at forty, you start.
As a rookie, I thought the hand coming down a little meant to repeat the Amidah very slowly. That full repetition I felt a lot of disappointment.

The Tefillin Touch and Shoulder Brush
If your shul is into community softball, this will probably be the Gabai's tell for you to go.

Loud Breath Out
That is a definite go. A lot of anger. It's a frustration that starts at home with one of the kids missing the bus, makes its way to some guy cutting people off onto the off-ramp, then having to see Bernie as the first person in shul, and manifests itself with you not starting the Amidah when he wants.
I got the Breath Out from the congregation when I asked the Gabai about his kids. It was nice to see the shul membership join in unison.

The Breath Out Head Shake and Hand Wave with Eye Blink
If they've got to give you all the signs, they're not allowing you to pray again. It makes no difference how many Yahrzeits you have, you're not taking the Amid (where the Chazin leads the Amidah from).

The Table Bang
That is a mistake or somebody is really angry. That is the next level of anger. If I was you, I would skip the repetition, grab my Tefillin bag, and run out of shul. I've done that many of times when I was not aware it was Rosh Chodesh.
The Table Bang is usually reserved for Rosh Chodesh. I am educating Gabais now. One time, the Gabai tried relaying the immediate start by banging the table. Everybody in shul thought it was Rosh Chodesh, and thought they forgot YaAleh vYavo. They all took three steps back and repeated the Amidah. That took another five minutes. Then, when I started the 'vTechezana' verse in the repetition, they all shouted 'YaAleh vYavo!'

If There is a Rabbi Wait
How long? A very long time.
After you have waited the amount of time it would take you to finish Musaf on Yom Kippur, it is probably time to start. Wait till you're spaced out and ready to go back to bed. At the point, you should start. The rabbi might have taken his three steps back. You'll hear a lot of loud huffs and you'll receive a lot of disappointed looks. Don't take it personally. They're mad at themselves for hiring the rabbi.

Grunts and Throat Clearing
They're trying to get your attention and you somehow didn't understand the blink. Now, the congregation is grunting. One guy is screaming 'GO!' And you're still up there thinking you should wait for the one guy who feels it's important to pray silently till noon.
I just saw it today. They gave everything to the guy. The rabbi finished the Shema real loud. Twice. That's a sign. They even banged his table. And he still didn't get it. They grunted more and he turned around and asked people if they were OK. A guy had to go over to him, put his push hand on his shoulder and say 'go.' And then he waited till he got more grunts.

Conclusion
Good luck. It gets complicated. I wish I could tell you exactly when to start the repetition. I can't. Study the congregation. It's hard to tell whether it's a sign or the guy is just adjusting his Kippah. Sometimes, a sneeze means you should start the Chazaras HaShatz. Again, any movement other than a guy taking off his Tefillin means to start. If a cough comes right after you say the blessing 'Redeemer of Israel,' skip the silent part of the Silent Prayer and do the Silent Prayer out loud.
And get used to messing up your Tefillin. As the Baal Tefillah (Chazin), they make you turn around to see when to start, so that your Tefillin fly off to the side of your face. Nothing is more embarrassing than un-centered Tefillin.
We can pray for better days. BE"H at some point in the near future the Gabai will come to the front to kindly tell you to start. And you will be able to start the Chazaras HaShatz at the right time, with people who are happy to be in shul and Tefillin in place.
One thing I do know. If people start pelting you with stuff like paper or Kiddish platters, start the repetition.

I've got to get better at sensing subtlety. I think the congregation is waiting for me to say the Chazaras HaShatz. I just got spat on. I think it's time.

Next time we will talk about how to repeat the Amidah.

Looking good when praying in shul is not easy. It's an art, and few have mastered it. Today we will focus on the art of Davening.
Davening is the correct word. If you're going to be Frum, learn the word. It's not prayer. It's Davening. It's definitely not Tefillah. Tefillah is what nonFrum Israelis do. We're not trying to be Dati Leumi. We're trying to look good at a shul. So, here's how to Daven.

Clapp the Table
Clapp means to hit. You hit the table. Give it a zetz. The shows you know what's going  on. Middle of your prayers, randomly smack a table. You don't have to wait for the Gabi to do this. You hit a table and you show you're making decisions, appointing yourself the Gabai.
You can never hit the table too much. Hitting a table works for being the first one to answer at Shomer Shabbis game shows. At worst, they'll think you're starting a Nigun. And everybody loves breaking into song during the silent Amidah prayer.

Know When To Be Loud
When you say 'LMan Tizkru' in the Shema prayer, be loud and schlep out the 'z.' It just looks good. When saying the words 'Ya'aleh vYavo' in the Amidah, be loud. It shows you remembered it's Rosh Chodesh and that looks good. You get holy status right away for that. However, be sure to be the first Ya'aleh vYavo guy. The first guy to reach it is the only one who gets credit. Hence, I suggest to skip the first half of the Amidah and just say Ya'aleh vYavo as fast as you can.

Know When to Yell At People
Guy reading the Torah messes up a word, yell at him. This is very important. Most people just yell the correct words at the guy. That's passive aggressive. I suggest to berate him correctly and call him an idiot. A good line can be, 'You fool. Next time practice. You're killing the Davening... Oy!!!' A loud 'oy' of disapproval can truly help you climb a rung on the shul status stairs to the Bima.
At the end of Davening you can also yell out 'Kiddish.' Truth is you should just be loud whenever you have a chance, and yell at anybody you can. It helps with being noticed. Be very loud and bang things. And remember, the worse somebody else feels, the closer you're bringing them to Gd.

Be Fast When You See Hebrew Letters
Be fast and mumble.
If you're the loser that keeps everybody waiting at Hatarat Nedarim, when a group reads their statement to annul their vows, you're not Frum. You might have grown up in a Frum family but you're not Frum. You enunciate too much.
Never enunciate. Good Jews mumble when they talk. This way it always looks like they're praying, even when they are having a conversation.

Sing Whatever You Know
Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul knows the tunes. Come to think of it, they must all think they're harmonizing. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. They're just singing different songs. It's horrendous.
U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. Don't worry. If you stick to 80s pop music it will sound good. Most of the harmony in shul is a beat off and not to the tune anyways.
 
Close Your Eyes
It will look like you are very penitent. Do not worry about knowing words here either. There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at in the Siddur, and that is spiritual.
 
Show Up Late
That shows you're comfortable in shul.

Know the Choreography
You take three steps back and three steps forward when starting and ending the silent Amidah prayer.
Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited by the dance. Do not put your right-hand in. Do not take your right-hand out. You start shaking it all about and people write you off as a somebody who goes clubbing.
 
Go Loud In Your Prayers Every Once in A While
Your praying should have a part where you get higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important. Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes and you are speaking Yiddish. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and penitence sets in.
Do not do this for the silent prayer, unless if you are yelling 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It is silent. Again, follow the other people, if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your winter vacation plans to Florida.

Never Ask Anybody What Page We're On
Look over their shoulder. Peer into their Siddur. Even ruffle their pages. But never ask anybody the page. It's better to flip your Siddur open and have them thinking you're doing Yom Kippur prayers early. If you're in the wrong Parsha in the Chumash, that's OK. They'll think your Frum and you're learning instead of following the Torah reading. Learning is more Frum than following the Torah reading.

I hope this helps. And remember, looking good when Davening has nothing to do with knowing what any words mean. Just move your mouth and know when to get loud. That's enough. You don't have to know Hebrew to use a Hebrew Siddur confidently. And when you walk into that shul, you walk in with confidence and yell at people. And you be the one to hit people with the Tallis. Take the first shot.

Next time we will go into further detail of how to look penitent. We will discuss the main techniques like how to close your eyes and squint correctly, and how to look very serious like a loved one just passed. We will also go into detail as to how to bow correctly.

Many people are scared to go to shul. They say they feel out of place. I am here to tell you 'don't feel out of place.' Everybody feels out of place when Bernie starts telling his jokes again. Here are a few tips for finding your way around shul and understanding the services, looking like you know what is going on, and most importantly, looking good.
Take the knowledge and some of these tips, and you too will look like a regular congregant.
 
Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody
It sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ We do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor.
Some say 'Yashkoyach.' Some say 'Yashkoych.' Some have no idea what they're saying. They just yawn with a strong 'Y' sound in front of it. Better yet. Instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office.
Be sure to say it to everybody. I'm usually sleeping when they call up the people to the Torah. I have no idea who I'm saying Yasher Koyach to. I can't tell you how many people I've given a Yasher Koyach to for going to the bathroom during Torah reading. In Sefardic Jewish tradition, they say ‘Chazak uBrachuch' when somebody comes back from the bathroom.
 
Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat ‘That is My Seat’
By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddish (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Listening to Bernie's jokes is a prerequisite for shul affiliation.
To note, the best practice is to say, 'You're in my seat.' This way they know you are not friendly, and they are in an unwelcoming atmosphere. Once you get it down you will be part of the inner-circle, and you'll be getting high fives at Kiddish.
And don't worry. If the shul is empty and they sit somewhere else, tell them it's Sid's seat. During the year, you're allowed to kick them out of chairs that people reserve for High Holidays, even if Sid only shows up for Yom Kippur. The goal is discomfort.
 
If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared
The Gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, due to fear.
If you jump out of fear, or a shocked that a ninety year old is going to get violent, you've never been to shul and seen a Gabai mess up the order of the Aliyahs.
You can also bang a table to scare somebody into leaving a seat they feel comfortable in.

Watch Out for the Tallis
The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first with Rabbi David.
When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. These people will not take your safety into account when they're swinging the tassels. They swing them fast and hard and wide. They're going for your face, and they will extend their arms wide if they have to.
This is why everybody bows during Aleiynu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it, already knowing that they hit you earlier when putting it on. This is also why so many Frum Jews wear glasses.
If you get wounded by a Tallis, everybody will know you're a rookie who doesn't know how to slip a tassel, and you're going to look pathetic. Also, if you can, try to injure somebody with your Tallis. The less you have control of your Tallis the more it shows your seasoned understanding of the synagogue.
 
Smile When People Say 'Hi' To You
They are part of the welcoming committee. They don't want to, but they have been appointed to the position of having to be nice to you. Take the meal when they invite you. As a beginner you probably haven’t learned to cook a decent choolante yet. You might as well get something out of their position on the committee.
 
You might end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate around that kind of service. I don't even know if that's Jewish.
Next time we will talk about proper Davening Techniques to look good and penitent. In time, we will also be dealing with Kiddish, proper dress, how to go up to the Torah with a long list of people you want to bless in order to get the congregation mad, and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking.

This interview took place three days before the Chanukah party at the shul.

That's a very nice chair?
It's the committee chair.

You are the head of the committee?
The chair.

Why is it called a chair?
Because the person heading the committee sits in a chair. They don't sit on a stool.

Then they would call it a stool?
You see. Nobody respects people sitting on a stool. They need a chair. That's why I'm the chair.

That's a very nice chair.
Why thank you. Bed Bath and Beyond.

They sell that at Bed Bath and Beyond?
At their online store. Black Friday deal. Very good deals on Black Friday. It was six percent off the suggested retail place.

Should this be a chair, being that it's only for an event?
You want to treat the event with Kavod. Respect.

How did they chose the person to run the event?
The chair?

Yes.
I said yes. I said I will do it, and they said, 'You're the one.'

So. Nobody else wanted to help?
Nope. Nobody else. They don't respect Chanukah. I respect Chanukah.

So, you chaired this all alone?
All alone. Thank Gd. It worked out so much better this way. It was my ideas and my ideas went through the committee. Unlike the Purim party last year, where we argued over whether we should serve Hamentashen or chocolate Danish.

That was an argument?
Four meetings. We sat in there for four meetings. There was a big split in the committee. The argument was that people eat Danish all year. The counter argument was people eat Danish all year. We ended up with a split in the committee. We had to have two different chairs.

Everybody likes chocolate Danish.
Exactly.

What ended up happening at the Purim party?
After much argument, they served latkes.

No Danish?
For Shalom in the shul, people ate the Danish and Hamentashen in their cars. People were running to and from the parking lot the whole Purim party. Especially the drinkers. They had their trunks open, eating Hamentashen.

Tailgating Purim?
They started tailgating everything. It's been a year since we had another committee meeting in the shul. Instead of meetings, people started hanging out outside of shul, drinking and having BBQs.

How did you plan the Chanukah party?
Food. A lot of food.

Anything else?
Activities and chocolate coins. The kids love the chocolate coins. That's an activity. Trying to open them. It can be very challenging to get that first little piece of foil folded over just right to have a clean chocolate approach. You do that wrong, you have to spend the rest of Chanukah cleaning your nails.

Some parents complained about the danger.
They're fools. If you raise a kid that thinks that eating tinfoil is safe, the kid's an idiot. And if they think it's money... These parents have to teach their children about currency.
And that was a fifth grader who ate the tinfoil last year.

I thought it was a toddler who put the chocolate foil in their mouth. It was too small.
That too.
We're going to have chocolate coins again this year. I'm going to make sure it happens.

Did you get any pushback?
There's no one else on the committee.

Are there going to be gifts?
Of course.

What gifts?
Anything from the Dollar Tree. All Chanukah gifts should be from the Dollar Tree.

Any other gifts?
No.

Why not?
A committee decision.

Conclusion
The committee chair also shared the other activities that will be happening. She insisted on the importance of Dreidel games, as this is the time of year our Jewish Kinder learn how to place bets correctly. She was also mad that the Purim committee didn't let the children drink last year. To quote, 'How else will they learn?'
She made sure everybody had a good time. She started off the party with a speech about how everybody should respect Chanukah and the Dreidel game. She said that the Greeks would've cheated.

She was a tough woman. I think she would've overpowered anybody on the committee. 
She was very stern about her ideas of what truly makes a Chanukah gift. She was adamant about the Dollar Tree. Most of the gifts at the Chanukah party were Silly Putty, miniature action figures and dish sponges. Some of the kids at the Chanukah party were not very happy with the laundry detergent pods. They got a 'Shin' on the Dreidel game. It was their fault. The angry kid remarked, 'You get more than two pods at Costco. That's where my mom shops.'
Some of the toddlers were eating the miniature action figures. She told the parents to teach their kids that tiny dolls are not food.

She was sitting in an extremely elaborate chair the whole interview. It was an Eliyahu Bris style looking chair. Very detailed woodwork. I I believe she used much of the budget for that chair. She felt that chairing the committee was the most important part of the event.
There was no Menorah lighting at the event. The budget couldn't cover the Menorah.

​Rabbis are spiritual leaders. Thus, they get asked many questions about Torah laws and how find a decent deal at the grocery. People who can't make decisions come to rabbis. And I have to deal with this.
I have to deal with many of life’s most perplexing questions. Here are some of the questions brought to me by the congregants. Here are some of the questions that deal with our tradition and how I dealt with them.
 
Why Did You Use a Blowtorch To Make Our Kitchen Kosher?
That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken a blowtorch to their microwave. That was dangerous. The rabbinic program should’ve offered a course in welding. The congregants wanted me to pay for their new microwave, and the table that also went up flames. I believe that is what the rabbi’s discretionary fund is for.
 
When Our Son is Getting Called to the Torah, Where Should We Stand?
Those parents wanted to be at the center of everything at that kid’s Bar Mitzvah. When I called up the young boy to the podium, to give him his prayer book in honor of becoming a man, his dad asked me, 'Where is mine?'
The parents left the congregation after being offended by my explanation that each person only gets one Bar Mitzvah. They didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Bar Mitzvahed again with each of their children. To make them feel like they were sharing in the celebration, when they were leaving, I whipped candies at them too.
 
Can You Do My Husband’s Funeral?
I didn’t want to answer that question. I told her that I would rather wait till he is dead before answering that question. I don’t know what her plans were.
 
Is That our Mayser? Does That Count as Our Tithe?
These people were trying to get out of giving charity. They wanted a definition of charity tithing that included their shopping for winter clothes. They explained their case very well. They told me that walking around without clothes would deem them poor, 'thus buying the H&M collection is charity.' They also asked for the shul to underwrite their trip to Hawaii, as poor people can’t afford three-week tropical getaways.
 
Is My Kitchen Kosher?
After tasting the brisket, I could tell you it wasn’t kosher. The meat was too lean.
 
Do I have to Make a Blessing on Mangos?
That guy has been trying to find a way out of every blessing, for years. His reasoning was that they have too big of a pit, and we shouldn’t be making blessings on pits. His reason for why he doesn’t make a blessing on the milk he drinks every morning: he’s lactose intolerant.
 
How Does Your Yarmulke Stay On?
I had no satisfactory answer for this. I can’t tell you how to keep your yarmulke on. For me, practice. Many years of practice. It has taken many years to build up my balancing ability. Even now, when there is wind, I have no idea how any bald man keeps a yarmulke on. I personally use the one-handed yarmulke clampdown.
 
I care and I am here to answer all of your questions to help with your religious needs.

I have been part of the community for years and I am just starting to realize what violent people the members are. It started with a kind hello. It was a physical 'Good Shabbis' hello. Then there was Kiddish. People are violent when there is still meat in the choolante. And if there is ever a decent babka, I've learned to protect myself. And I've noticed other violent people in shul. And don't let age deceive you.
Here is violence you should be aware of and watch out for when going to shul.

They Will Hit You to Say Hi
I don't know what it was. He said 'hello' and hit me. He said 'Duvidel' and whack.
He thinks he’s being friendly by hurting me. Being fun by bruising me. I told him, 'Your friendliness injured me. There's no reason to whale on me to say "Shabbat Shalom." I will have a good Shabbis without getting hurt.' 
Watch out for being liked. I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy. You get hurt being somebody's buddy. When you're a buddy, they punch you. I started to realize, elbows and kicks are all part of being friendly at shul, when you're their buddy.
Close family can hurt you too. They can get violent when you show up to Simchas and they hug real tight. The caring relatives are more dangerous than buddies. I want to be a distant relative to all people. Show up to the party and people are shocked to see me. It's safer to be the one who people think crashed the party, where they're trying to figure out if they recognize you.
I'm the buddy and the close relative and I'm getting nuggies. They love me and I'm getting hurt. I don't like it.

COVID Elbow
I thought that's how people say 'hello' now. No. It's how they hurt you.
They've moved away from the handshake and they now give you an elbow. But these older men at shul are attacking me with their elbows. They have no control. I got one elbow to the chest. He wasn't even my buddy.

Kiddish Elbows
Approaching the Kiddish table? Be ready. Some congregants get violent when it comes to kichel. The closer you get to the choolante, babka and herring, the more viscous they get. And they claim their spot with their elbows. Watch your eyes too. Fran poked me when I got near the Danish. She felt my presence and was worried that her elbow wouldn't be enough to keep me from the pastries.

The Hand Squeeze
They squeeze real hard. Why they try to hurt me when welcoming me, I don't understand.
There's a lot of ego behind the 'Good Shabbis' handshake. One shake with an older member of the shul lasted three minutes. He wanted me to cower. I held on and didn't give in. There was no 'Good Shabbis' said. We just stared at each other squeezing. Finally, when he let go, we walked away. He gave me a little nod. 
After the hand squeeze assault, I saw him walk over to Fran to murmur something. I believe he said, 'We're going to have to watch out for this one at Kiddish. He has a good shake. We're going to have to use our elbows on this one.'

Armrest Elbow Attack
The shared armrest. That's a fight. The guy next to me never looks at me, but he is throwing elbows. 
I believe that the members of the shul think that if they don't acknowledge it, it's as if the violence isn't happening.

Candy Throwers 
Ever thought the people in shul were nice? You weren't Bar Mitzvahed. They throw those candies hard. I never thought a Sunkist jelly candy could hurt so much. That's before Reb Shmuli showed up to my Bar Mitzvah. I never did anything to that man. All I know is that he throws hard and has good aim. 
It might be an in the moment anger caused by the Bar Mitzvah boy making Davening take an extra forty-five minutes, ruining the people's Shabbis. That's the only reason I can think of for whipping candies at a kid, and causing such pain to a Bar Mitzvah boy who spent half a year trying to get the Torah reading down.

Candy Collecting
The kids learn their violence from their parents. They see the candy, watch out, they're throwing elbows too. They'll run over seniors. They will tackle a toddler for a Mike and Ike. They'll slide under your seat and trip you if they have to get to a sour stick.
Be it the Bar Mitzvah candies on the floor, or the line for candies at junior congregation, they're violent and they're throwing elbows.
Martial arts has been encouraged in some circles. Some parents have sent their children to MMA so they can get some decent taffy.

And watch out for rubbing people the wrong way. They will get violent if you provoke them. Every member of the shul parks in the disabled parking spot. If I ever tried to take their disabled parking spot, they would run after me and start whaling punches on me. 
People have to be less violent when coming together to serve God. Until we can stop the aggression, whatever you do in shul, be sure to protect yourself and watch out for elbows. And don't underestimate how strong Fran is when she sees blurberry Danish.