Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation. President: We need more money. Secretary: How do we get it? President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die. Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board. President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death. Secretary: We can focus on dues. President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus. Secretary: But Simchas are nice. President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks. Secretary: But they rent the hall? President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it. Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate. President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies. Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish. Secretary: Why? President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money. Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life. President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque." Rabbi: What about Kaddish? President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that. DISSOLVE TO Scene 2 INT - SHUL - DAY They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes. President: Dedication plaques We need more. Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted. Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead. Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah. Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats. President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques. Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything. President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death. Secretary: What about asking for donations? President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand. Secretary: Is it always eighteen? Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens. President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand. They continue walking. The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door. Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"? President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed. The president looks at the rabbi. Speech donations. Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it. President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died. They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening. President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque. Secretary: It's just a fridge. Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel. President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf. Secretary: What about the vegetable bins? Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians. President: Get them to plaque it. Looking at the secretary. Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down. Tablecloth. No plaque on it. Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth. President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it. Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give. Secretary: But they haven't died. President: Not yet. Give them a plaque. Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders. Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best. Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine. President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke. Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family. President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine. What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons. THE END Kibbitzer Conclusion The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic. They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer. After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah." The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere. The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away." All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand. The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba. The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences." The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise. The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Emor5/18/2025 
Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months. Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it. We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year. Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic. Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven... You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow... You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people. (Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that. What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens... Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up... Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people... Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?! You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford... Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact... A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul. You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it. Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong... So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made... You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day. Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness. Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent. Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong. I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?... We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph. The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better... They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house... We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do... This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma... You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave.... There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul. Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???! All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens... I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom... From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything. But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple. Rivka's Rundown Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy. The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy." The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise. The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows. I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each. Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore." The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone. They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.” It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330. Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across. And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most. Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k. By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar. Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar. That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact. The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi. Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves. The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye." The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral. Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper. The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed. And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up. Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest." Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up. The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shemini4/27/2025
Announcements
The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder. We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish. We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter. Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it. We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin. Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah." Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon... The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now... Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today... Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion. When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie... When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines. We may not fully grasp the spiritual command... We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical... Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!! And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so... And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul. How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree... There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight... You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk... I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation. Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense... Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved. We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves... Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you... No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?! I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box. We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah. Do they toss it before they send it out?! I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok... The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah. And the only one who gets it is Shloimi. I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down. There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there... I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion... Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by... Rivka's Rundown What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death. "We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical. Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual. I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people. She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify. Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation. Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks. The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies. Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great. We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section. The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board. How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers. Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat. Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate. We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris. Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi. Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there. Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?! (Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???! Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated... Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back... It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly. People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day... Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that. Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative... Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder... Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your... How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons. We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo. You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now. You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son... Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz... Is everybody back. Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned... It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah. How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce... It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too... Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time... If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting... (Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul. If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership. That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark! It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job... There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan. Rivka's Rundown Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together. They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?” After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon. The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them." I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder. I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp. Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah. Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran. The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing. The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels. Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved. The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima. They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul. This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYikra4/6/2025
Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions. Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early. The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that. Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin... (Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards.... There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy... Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody. The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens. You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community... So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together... We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism. I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie. I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition... People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition. People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening... You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody. The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast... Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed... The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood. We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder... You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace.... We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood. You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it... This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?! Rivka's Rundown The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it. The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good. Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned. The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him. Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him. He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing. The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked. The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown. Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow. I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her. They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life. I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive. Tags:
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It turns out that people sometimes do get mad when you make fun of them. Even when you make fun of them on Purim. Which makes the fun of making fun of them more fun. I thought that talking about the fact that the Pintzkowitz family didn't pay dues would get a big laugh. It got a big laugh and a very angry family, who didn't pay their dues.
My shul was successful at offending people this year. Brilliant Shpiel. Here are some of the Shpiels they did. Maybe you can adapt them to your congregation next year, and make some of your membership cry too. Trying to Get the Minyin The Shpiel started with going to different places to find people to join the Minyin. It was cute. They went to the JCC, the laundromat, the nursery school. At the nursery school, the kids say, "My dad doesn't go to Minyin." It was perfect. The honesty of the young ones calling their parents heretics was perfect. Our members are everywhere except Minyin. At the JCC we see one of our members in the sauna, telling the Minyin gatherers that he's meditating in preparation for Minyin that already passed. Then they brought the Minyin to the golf course, where we see five of the members on the twelfth hole, talking about how they're working on themselves spiritually. They pray after each of them scores worse than a double bogey. We see Shmuli saying that he can’t make it to Minyin because he has prior commitments. They show up to Shmuli’s home and pull him away from his TV. His prior commitment was HGTV's show about millionaires buying homes. This one worked great for our congregation, as Shmuli is very lazy. They ended up pulling random people from the supermarket, asking if they’re Jewish, because "they will make better members than anybody in our shul." Then the members of the shul started saying how lazy Shmuli is, and how we don’t get a Minyin because Shmuli is too busy spending time at the casino. And this Shpiel ended Shmuli’s marriage. The Gabai Not enough people poke fun at this man. It’s his job to organize the shul and make sure services run smoothly, as he also calls people to the Torah. This was brilliant. His job is to call people to the Torah by name. He just forgets everybody’s name. The Shpiel guy berated the Gabai, “When you don’t know somebody’s father’s name, you call them the son of Avraham.” We then see the Gabai calling everybody to the Torah as the son of Avraham. It turned out the Gabai was recently diagnosed with dementia. That was not a planned part of the Shpiel. Lesson: Don’t make fun of somebody till you know their medical diagnosis. Rabbi Shows to Shul Late There are more ways to make fun of the rabbi that we didn't hit on last week. You never want to miss a chance to make the rabbi look bad. This is what makes Purim so enjoyable for everybody. The rabbi comes every day, but he sometimes shows up a few minutes after Minyin started, due to Halachik questions about utensils and funerals. So they focused on that one day he wasn’t on time. The rabbi, who is a kind and honest spiritual man comes to shul thinking he’s sharing with his congregation in praising Gd, after officiating a funeral. That’s not what they focused on. The Shpiel skipped the part of the eulogy at the funeral, which helped the family cope with their daughter's death. They just showed the rabbi coming late to Minyin and the congregants firing him. And as part of the Shpiel, to add life and spunk, they truly fired the rabbi. Nobody was offended by this, because they were making fun of the rabbi. The Bar Mitzvah Boy Is there anything easier to make fun of than a thirteen year old messing up Torah reading? Voice cracking. Just get up there, read anything real bad, with a voice that sounds off. They made Mendel Hershkovitz cry, mocking his crackling high pitch voice during his Aliyah to the Torah. Mendel started bawling, telling everybody he just went through puberty during his Haftorah. Priceless. Lesson: Always make sure you know what people are going through before you throw them into the Shpiel. And it turns out, due to Mendel's messed up Torah reading, people took back their gifts. The Grammen When you make fun of people in song form, it rubs it in more. And that's what the artists did in our shul's Shpiel. They got everybody involved in the song. And then they made the people cry more, while stringing sentences together about how they are not beneficial to the shul in rhyming form. The idea of the Grammen is to make fun of the membership, and then to do this “da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da” that repeats, to give the people a little time to look at themselves and cry a bit more. Some say "na na na na..." as the Nas allow for more of a rubbing it in affect. They may not get the words about how the Bar Mitzvah boy has no friends right away. The "da da da" part of the Grammen allows you time to think of the rhyme and how Mendel lost all of his friends when puberty hit. Some of the Grammen Rhymes That Hit The Schwartzs show up late to shul. Dadadadadada. And their youngest son has no friends in school. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great. Though it had nothing to do with not getting a Minyin, because Brian Schwartz is only eight, Brian still cried. The Gabai messes up everybody's name. Dadadadadada. Him and his wife are extremely lame. Dadadadadada. This one worked out great, as the Gabai's wife can't walk. Nobody did research into the Gabai's family's health history before the Shpiel. The rabbi of our shul always shows up late. Dadadadadada. And Pinchas never gets a date. Dadadadadada. This was brilliant, as Pinchas is single and a loser. The Bar Mitzvah boy sounds like a toad. Dadadadadada. His sister is a very wide load. Dadadadadada. This got a perfect response, as his sister started crying too. His sister put on eighty pounds last year. Remember. If you made them cry, you know the jokes truly hit. If you lose the crowd, making fun of the rabbi brings them back on your side. Tags:
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Announcements
Our speaker this week will be giving a talk in support of Israel. There should be no talking during her presentation. It's not Davening. We ask that people keep the talking down in shul. We understand that you will not hold back from conversation. We just ask you to keep at an inside voice. Yelling about your child’s little league baseball success during Musaf is not necessary. You must be quiet for Parshat Zachor. It’s a commandment to hear it, so don’t talk. It’s not a Mitzvah to hear about Mini’s nieces. We must erase the memory of Amalek. We are trying to forget the membership of the shul. This Thursday night is Purim. We ask that Mike doesn’t dress up. His tight clothing scares the children. Contemporary Halacha Class: Being Loud When You Hear Haman, Like Mini Talking in Shul. How The Congregants in Our Shul are a Type of Haman (this class will be given by congregants). Why Mike Lost Custody of His Children and How That Relates to Grownups in Costume. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We would like to call up Dafney for Israel... I don’t know if Dafney is a Hebrew name. But she’s for Israel... Thank you. Beautiful speech about how Israel accepts homosexuals... What Dafney was saying is that Israel is accepting. Like the Ephod and Choshen that had the names of all the tribes... Sadie. Good question. Homosexual is not a tribe... When we crossed the Jordan, they were not allotted the land of Tel Aviv... When we look to our Parsha, we see the importance of clothing. You make clothes correctly... Many homosexuals do dress well. That is true. At least they were suits that fit. Unlike the men sitting in the back left... Clothes have meaning. You don’t just buy a suit from Kohl’s and call it a day. You get a tailor, so you don’t look like Bernie... You check for Shatnez and make sure it fits, Bernie. You’re swimming in the thing... Well. Husky is one size too many nowadays. You’re either in the mob, or you lost three hundred pounds, or your suit is from 1991. (Shemot 28:31) The Kohen Gadol's robe and the Ephod were turquoise wool. Looked good. A nice color. Not puke brown... (Shemot 28:33-35) The robe had to have pomegranates with gold bells all around. “...and he shall not die.” You have to make noise. You have to let H’ know you’re coming... Not like Reuven who has a conversation with Shloimi in the back of shul. Gd knows you’re talking... You're very loud when you talk. You all have to stop sneaking up on me with messed up questions at Kiddish. Announce it. Don’t announce it like Felvel’s suit... It’s too loud... Next time you come up to me and whisper a dumb question, I will attack you. You will die. The point is you dress nicely, and you don't scare people. You don't popup in shul dressed like Mike... Everybody loves greenish blue... Of course, not real pomegranates. That would stain the turquoise... Even your costumes are not appropriate for shul... Well, you could've dressed like a Mensch. Why did none of our congregants dress like a Mensch for Purim??? Your Purim costumes are not right. If the Kohen Gadol wore those into the Kodesh Kadashim, he would die... This is where “I would not be caught dead in that shirt” comes from. I hope we're not doing a costume parade this year. It's Asur. It's like Mardi Gras with a bunch of people who are not enjoying it... Jews don't smile when they dress in costumes if there is no alcohol involved... Grownups in costumes, like a teapot is scary to children. Grownups in costumes are considered not right for neighborhoods or our shul, Mike. Tight teapots are forbidden... Well, Mike, it keeps families from coming to shul for the holidays... Thank you for intertwining Purim and our shul, and how it would be a great Purim if our congregants were not in this shul anymore. Beautiful Dafney... I thought our members only talked when I’m talking. It turns out they talk whenever they have the chance to disrupt... It’s not Davening. Do you always talk in shul?! Is it just a thing that you can’t help. You come to shul and you feel, “Now is the time to talk”?!... Well Reuven. You're too loud... Then keep it down... You keep it down?! You shushed the Chazin. Told him he was ruining your conversation. "We are talking about my upcoming vacation to Panama.” The Kohen Gadol didn’t walk around talking to people about where they’re vacationing for Pesach. That conversation was not part of the service when he was atoning for your sins... We're about to read Parshat Zachor. Can you be quiet for that?! Just for that! I am not asking you to not talk for Dafney. You already talked during her speech... You have to remember Amalek to wipe them out... I do not know if Bernie is part of Amalek. We have to erase the memory of Amalek and the board. I am trying to erase the memory of the shul... And we remember. Just as Aharon wore the names of the tribes, we remember how disruptive our congregants are, and how not put together they look. And we must wipe out Amalek... We are all part of this community. Likutei Sichot of the Chabad Rebbe (vol.21 p186-187) teaches that the pomegranates represented the seemingly empty Jews, that are filled with seeds. The Kohen Gadol had to represent them. Empty Jews, i.e. our congregants... And yes. We include the Jews of Tel Aviv. Shloimi... Why is Shloimi talking to me now?! The Kohen Gadol didn’t wear the pomegranates and bells on his robe on Yom Kippur, because on that day we are all holy. Even the members of our shul that look like shlubs and talk all of Davening. And you don’t mess up your clothes as much, as your shoes can’t be leather... Pomegranates rub off the leather easier than Converse All Stars... The Jews with empty questions. I will stab you. Come up to me, like a Mensch. Come to shul dressed like a Mensch. It's not Yom Kippur... This has nothing to do with the Purim and Yom Kippurim Drasha... Rivka's Rundown Based on what we learn from the Kohen Gadol, our rabbi suggested he would shoot the next person who asked him a question at Kiddish. The rabbi threatened the congregation. After the rabbi let the membership know they will be stabbed if they come to him with a dumb question, nobody came to the rabbi for a couple of weeks. To quote our rabbi: "This has been the best two weeks of my tenure. I still had to see the congregants." People ended up not giving any money for Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts for the poor on Purim, because the rabbi hadn't told them how much to give, and they were too afraid to ask. The board didn't like the rabbi's threats, but they were too afraid to fire him. Which brought in a new era of the rabbi taking more vacation days without notice. I agree with the rabbi. Our congregants are pomegranates. They stain things. The rabbi gave the speech before reading Parshat Zachor today, because the message of people not talking was necessary to hear about killing Amalek, and how our congregants have annoying questions and don't dress like Menschin. How the rabbi got the no talking from wearing nice clothes and staining nice clothes with pomegranates, that is the brilliance of our leader. I agree with the rabbi. It would be nice if everybody wore turquoise. I would also like to not be surprise by our congregants coming over to me in Kiddish. I would like to see them from far away, so I could know if they were inching closer for conversation, so I could run. If they had on turquoise, I would be able to notice them better. Turquoise has that pop that I can catch with the corner of my eye, as Felvel is approaching the choolante. The only meaning of the clothes I see in the men’s section is that our congregants don’t care how they look. The old suit styles are like a Purim costumes. It's like those clown pants that people start walking out of. I will say that grownups in costume is wrong. You report that. You see a fifty year old in Barney walking down the street, that's a predator. You keep him away from the kids. Even if he's a hired entertainer. You keep kids away. Any grownup dressed as a teapot with tights, you report that. A Mensch would be a good costume. I've never seen one of our members dressed like one of those. The costume parade was messed up. It looked like a bunch of little kids not walking correctly. Orthotics. The amount of kids in our shul that need orthotics is messed up. Maybe it was the huge costumes that weighed them down in weird ways forcing them to wobble, maybe it was that they just had to go to the bathroom. I think it was orthotics. The rabbi called Dafney off the Bima in two minutes. She went off on how Israel should be loved because of homosexuality. The rabbi was fine with that. He just didn't think that would speak to the Muslim population that supports Gaza in our shul. Dafney only had a few people talking during her two-minute speech. After the rabbi told off the shul, and said shut up for Dafney, she got in a good paragraph of Israel advocacy. Then the rabbi threw her off the Bima. She was an excellent scholar-in-residence. Her speech costed the shul 3k. They talk so much. I think they forget they're in shul. That is the men in the back left. They even shushed some of the children. In the middle of the Torah service I heard Shloimi say, "Dad is trying to talk." I asked why he brought his kid to shul to shush him. He said shushing his kid is part of Chinuch, Jewish education. The rabbi suggested the congregants never talk. To quote, "Our relationship with Gd would be better if He didn't hear you." I don’t remember hearing Parshat Zachor. I only remember Shloimi screaming at his kid for talking when he was talking. Hearing Parshat Zachor is a commandment. So is honoring your parents. Tags:
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Purim Shpiel Ideas3/6/2025
A true Purim Shpiel should look like Jews acting out Shakespeare.
For centuries, shuls have been trying to make their Purim Shpiels funny, to no avail. Performed at the Purim meal, best in live theater form, many may be inebriated, and yet to no avail. Throughout the ages there have been many failed shpiels. Especially the one back in Troyes, France in 1098, where they made fun of Rashi and how he comments on everything.
The issue has always been that they're not offensive enough. I'm here to help you with some Shpiel ideas to tailor fit to your community. This is the one time of year to pull out your best Don Rickles and share some good laughs that will offend people. If you’re worried about Lashon hara, be general, everybody will still know who you’re talking about. The guy that takes all the meat from the choolante, the one who hocks up a cough at Musaf, the one who thinks they should be the one leading Davening. It's Pinny and Shmuel Baruch Felsenblum. We all know they should not be up there singing. When you do the sketch of the Jews who show up for Kiddish, showing them leaving home at 12pm for the 8:30am service, to be on time, they will know it’s the Kimplowitz family. Great scene, which should be in every Purim Shpiel. Always start with something you know will work and draw the laughs, and that is making fun of the rabbi. Don't do the acting out of Megilat Esther. Nobody gets Achashveirosh's voice right. Never seen a convincing Xerxes. Here are some ideas to help you get started on your shtick: The Rabbi Anything you do about the rabbi will get a huge laugh. Just pretend you’re giving a sermon in the rabbi's voice and everybody will love it. As you sermonize, use highfalutin English words like “firmament,” so that nobody understands. And then utter some nonsense and say "blah blah wha wha wha..." As long as your disdain for the rabbi is apparent, everybody will love it. The rabbi has been there for every family event of yours, every lifecycle event. He’s laughed with you. He’s cried with you. He cares about you. Make fun of him. The Baby Carriages This year, the amount of baby carriages has surpassed the amount of people in the shul. How this has happened, I have no idea. It’s clear that people who have baby carriages think they can put them anywhere. The Shpiel: Just have somebody trying to walk into the shul. They can’t. It’s impossible. The parents decided to leave the carriages at the entrance of the shul. No need to bring the props. They are in the shul already. Some of the people that came to the Purim Seudah meal still can’t get through the doors. For this scene, bring everybody to the entrance of the shul and try to walk through the doors. No need for acting. Your frustration will naturally take over, as you trip, fall and throw baby carriages at the coatroom. Slapstick at its best is always performed angry. Kids Running in The Hall This is your chance to mock the new kind of parenting, where they let the kids raise themselves and interrupt the services. Dad claims, “It’s her decision. She’s already three.” The Shpiel: In the middle of shul, the dad says to his child, “Are you sure you want to interrupt the services?” The child yells, “Yes.” And guess what, the services are interrupted. The dad insists there’s nothing he can do, as he gives the young one a lollipop and the right to make their own choices. And this is why she got Bat Mitzvahed at the age of four. This leads to the Shpiel of the kids running shul. Take any scene from Lord of the Flies and add parents who do nothing, you have your Shpiel. Parents are stranded with the kids. The parents just sit there and let them kill each other. And you have your modern parents of your congregation. The Yom Kippur Appeal Everybody flipped the cards, but the shul did not see the money. How? Let's talk about all the people who haven’t paid their dues. The Shpiel: We see everybody flipping the money on the cards, claiming they will donate that to the shul. Show the least wealthy people flipping over the $18,000 donation. We see their friend reminding them that they haven’t paid their dues yet. Time for the perfect Jewish joke: He responds, “So, nu? If I don’t give this donation, is it a bad ting?” You then pull out the list of people who still haven’t paid their dues. This will get everybody moving. Comedy is always easiest when familiar; when people are able to say “that’s so true.” Everybody will be on the floor when they are able to say, “That's so true. The Yitzhakys and the Minkovitzs never pay their dues.” The Kiddush Table Fran is standing right in front of the choolante. She won’t move. Just show her standing there and other people trying to get through. Comedy gold. The more oblivious she is, the better the scene. Remember, every scene should have frustrated people getting angry. Humor at its best. A great addition to the scene is to have a huge guy come and throw Fran away from the table, knocking her down, and then piledriving her. Security should then come and join in the beating of Fran, who is eighty-five years old. At that point, he calmly goes for his choolante. Impersonate Anybody It will get a laugh. The impersonation technique in shuls has always been best used when saying the name of the person. It’s hard to know that you’re impersonating Bernie from the third row, who sits next to Frank and Max. Everybody in Memphis has the same accent. Doing a Southern accent won’t help. Neither will doing a Yiddish accent. The Southern Yiddish accent is ubiquitous. Say, “I’m Bernie, Max,” and everybody will be on the floor. Once you say it’s Bernie, everybody will be able to respond, “Yeah. That’s Bernie. He sits next to Max. So true. That’s so Bernie. Saying his name while impersonating him truly hits the funny bone. Great parody.” Then you can get back to making fun of the rabbi who officiated Bernie’s wedding, while helping you and your spouse work through your divorce. For a real crowd pleaser, remember to impersonate the rabbi. Remember, any time you make fun of the rabbi, it will get a laugh. Do the rabbi saying “Oy” and the crowd is back on your side. If people are personally offended, if you make fun of the rabbi, they will love you once again. Anything about the rabbi and anything involving a Yiddish style accent are Jewish community comedy gold. Truth is you could do a whole Shpiel raising your hands in Jewish Why form, saying “Oy,” and the audience will be on the floor. Purim is a chance for you to get out your anger. The best way to express anger is to make fun of people. Otherwise, it’s straight-out offensive. Remember, if you run your Shpiel right, nobody will want to talk to you for a good couple months. And never do song form Shpiel. As expressed in introduction, people in your shul do not know how to sing. The Grammen NayNayNay part is spiritual, but it kills the laughs when Mrs. Simchovitz goes off on her harmony, or whatever other song she's singing the high part of. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Terumah2/28/2025
Announcements
We ask the men stop following the Torah with their eyes when we're walking around with the Torah. It's wrong to use the Torah for ulterior motives, such as checking out women. And it’s creepy Pinny. We understand you’re single, but it’s creepy. Song clappers are not better than anybody else. We ask that our members clap at a normal level of clap. We don’t need clapping showoffs in our shul. Clapping and jumping! We notice you. Baalei Gayva. We’re taking sermon donations. This week’s sermon is sponsored in honor of Mrs. Finkelwitz’s 90th birthday. The family wants everybody to know she’s suffered through sermons for 90 years. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Check Out Women Properly, at Kiddish. How to Be Noticed at Shul by Starting a Dance. How to Take Donations for Everything with Our Shul Board. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 26:9) "Fold the sixth sheet over the front of the tent.” So that it looks good. The shul’s curtain hasn’t been cleaned in years... Steam it. At least get out the folds. It’s not a non-iron curtain. The ark is a crease-iron curtain... They didn’t have non-iron curtains in the Tabernacle. The Mishkan had quality curtains... (Shemot 26:11) “...joining the tent together so that it becomes one.” Unlike our shul when it sings Adon Olam. It sounds like a hundred different songs, joining together into a hundred different unique songs of non-unison. Which sounds like people not singing along... I like the rhyming structure of the sermon as well, Sadie. Thank you. The sheets... Curtains Bernie. Yes. They’re bigger than sheets. It wasn’t bedding. The curtains join and become one. That is how the building is made for service of Gd... It’s not made with community quilts. You connect them right. You have the right holes and connections. You don’t have a board messing it up, with a president who has never hung anything in his life. You fold it nicely, unlike Pinny who’s never helped fold sheets in his house. He’s probably the reason for the messed up community quilt. All creased... And then, without the board, “It will be one"... The board would've ruined the Mishkan. And there are other coverings to make it look nice. Point is that you make the House of Gd look nice... A better paint job than stucco. We join as one, as the Mishkan, to make it beautiful... Joining as one does not mean singing "Etz Chaim Hi" so you can check out the women... It’s a Torah. It should not be used to check out the ladies in the front row. They’re kissing the Torah. It doesn’t mean they’re going to kiss you... Shloimi, get your head out of the Chumash. Becoming "one" means everybody together. It doesn't mean standing out with unified claps. The clappers are Baalei Gayva. Showing off... And they do the clap with that jump dance... You're doing it to be noticed. Nobody claps and jumps with the airplane dance in the middle of the Torah service to be discreet. I want to see any of you do that to not be noticed... Simcha is the only one who should be clapping. Simcha’s clap is inspired... Mazel Tov Mrs. Finkelwitz. You bring community together, just like my Drashas. My sermons bring community together. Your donation for the sermon will be used to bring the community together with better congregants... Rivka's Rundown The main takeaway from the sermon is that our shul's board would've ruined the Mishkan. It’s good our congregants didn’t help make the Tabernacle. If it was anything like the BBQ last week, in the snow, which didn’t get started, nothing would’ve come together. Pinny has definitely never folded anything in his life. If he had to iron anything, he would burn it. I always wondered why the guys all stood up and looked at the Chazin carrying the Torah back to the ark. It’s because they were walking near the women’s section and the guys were checking us out for Shidduchim. Some of the disgusting guys were hoping for more divorces. And they all sound inspired with Etz Chaim Hi. They’re just excited to think they might have a chance with Ruchel. This is why Pinny always shows off. He thinks he has a chance with Ruchel, so he starts clapping. The clappers have a lot of gall, always looking around when they're clapping. And there isn’t even a Torah to pretend they're not checking out everybody. The Torah's put back, it's the Kedusha in Musaf and they're bouncing and clapping, checking to see if Ruchel notices the loudness of their clap. I love how the clappers pretend like they're trying to be humble. And then they close their eyes. I've never seen somebody close their eyes so loudly. The singing in our shul is truly not in unison. I don't think anybody could argue that, especially once Pinny started his clapping to an applause beat during "Adon Olam." The shul is now taking sermon donations???!!! They take donations for Shalishudis, for Kiddish. No shame. Everything is a donation. The even auctioned off wings at the BBQ. I’m sure they’re going to start taking donations for Shacharit, sponsoring praying to Gd. Upon seeing Pinny clapping, they started taking donations for following the Torah with your eyes. The shul board said it was for a good cause. The following week, no single women showed to shul. The rabbi just said the donation for the sermon will be used to get better congregants. How? No idea. But the shul is making money off it. I think the rabbi truly wanted to say he doesn't like the membership. That was the message of the sermon. Tags:
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Let's finish the "English Alephs."
As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?" Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame." Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better. Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden. Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife." Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service." Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like." ***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick Tags:
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Children should be brought to shul when they know how to behave properly. Which means never. Never bring your kids to shul.
Mishna Berurah 98:3 "Because kids play and dance in shul, and they defame the holiness of the shul, and they also bother people Davening. And also, when they get older, they don't change this bad Minhag (tradition) that they learned when they were kids, to bother everybody and profane the holiness of shul." And now we know why people talk in shul. It's because they used to run around when they were kids. You should bring them when they reach the age of Chinuch, where they start being able to be educated, which I believe is around thirty. Unless if they're sitting behind me in shul. I don't think there's an age where they don't talk in shul. (Shulchan Aruch 131:6) We don’t recite the Tachanun on Tu BShvat. That’s true joy. Getting out of Davening. Not having to pray. That’s how a Jew parties. By skipping Tachnun. It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for His creation and to walk around with an upset stomach. It appears that excessive abuse of alcohol leads to sin, as seen from Noach... Hence, one should not slam their drink on a table after they finish it. Tags:
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Last time we learned the history of how alcohol got introduced to Davening itself. But how did it become an exclusive club that was open to everybody.
Drinking Out of Shul How it became a club. This took many years. Some years went by and beer became quite popular. At first it was a small group leaving services. It was two guys who had a hangover from Friday night Kiddish, and couldn't wait. They would head out of shul and take a swig. The idea caught on and people went in small groups to leave services, pulling out their flasks, engraved "this is for the holiness of Shabbis," and drinking under a Tallis. This is how whiskey became acceptable for Kiddish. Then the Jews of Russia said, "What about vodka?" In consideration of Jews of different cultures, the rabbis accepted vodka for Kiddish. And then Jews moved to Mexico and tequila was allowed. Then Jews moved to America and the rabbi said, "Coke tastes good. It doesn't have alcohol, but it tastes good. If you have to, why not. Mix it with some Jack Daniels." Leaving Shul Turns Into a Club Back to the flask brothers, as they were known. Their parents were Mr. and Mrs. Flask. They thought to form a club, but nobody wanted to share single malt whiskey. It was expensive. One guy brought up Johnnie Walker Red Label and some people started to share. And the group got larger. Fishel was the one who came up with the idea of a club, but that got a lot of kickback. Clubs in those days focused on sharing and giving to the needy, and there was only so much Johnnie Walker. There was the freemasonry. But they were into charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, where the routes of the Kiddish Club are found, was greater than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish was about the soul. It was helping people connect to Gd by getting out of shul. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish had a greater calling than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, as it was known, needed people to pay for the alcohol. Philanthropic schnapps. They called it a club and said, "All who want to drink, may they come and drink, and bring a bottle of schnapps." And some Jews got it mixed up with Pesach and thought they had to go, as it was a religious obligation. Some showed up forty minutes late, worried a Haggadah was involved in the club. And schnapps started pouring in. It was amazing to see how much charity people were willing to give when it got them out of shul. Why After Torah Reading Jews were leaving shul for Kiddish Club at different times. Some were leaving right after the Brachas. They would show to shul, say the ten blessings and get a drink. Others would head out when the rabbi did too long of an Amidah (silent prayer). It was in the 1970s, some of the members of the Kiddish Club were at a football game. Before the game, they saw people outside of their cars drinking. They asked what they were doing. The Buffalo Bills fans said they were "pregaming." In order to see OJ Simpson run, you wanted to be buzzed. Some called it tailgating, but that told the Bills fans, "We can drink alcohol, but we can't use our cars on Shabbat." So, they decided this should happen before Musaf. Thus, the Kiddish club's main ritual is to pregame Musaf. To come into the added Shabbat prayer a bit tipsy. They would show up to shul for Shvi'i, the last Aliyah, and the leave for the Haftorah around three minutes later, for the Kiddish Club, and drink schnapps, including whiskey, bourbon, scotch, vodka, tequila, and gin. Gin also somehow represents a Jewish community somewhere. And then, they would make their way back into shul, ready to talk to Gd and pray. It was one of these guys that decided to throw up an eight-year-old to lead the end of services. In the drunken state it looked funny to see a little tiny Chazin. Now it's a tradition. And the whole shul loves seeing these little guys performing Anim Zemirot and Adon Olam. Adding Onto Davening It got out of hand. Rabbis hated theses Kiddish Club people. They saw these rowdy crowds of drunk men and came up with the idea of an usher to sit at the door, also known as a bouncer. Years later shuls hired security guards and even started locking the doors, to keep put terrorists and members of the Kiddish Club. Noticing these Kiddish Club philanthropists of alcohol leaving the shul for so long, the rabbis started coming up with creative ways of getting back at them. One rabbi added another forty minutes to Davening. All in their Shema. And this was adopted by rabbis all over America, in order to keep their congregants in shul longer, with drunk people. To add on another half hour, the rabbi came up with this idea of a sermon. Now Shabbat morning Davening takes three and a half hours. And every member of the shul, not just the people of the Kiddish Club, need a drink when it's over. Where Is the Kiddish Club Now The heroes of the Kiddish Club are now drinking somewhere. In shul, everybody at the Kiddish Club talks about the rabbi. They drink, talk about the rabbi and come into shul buzzed. And they sing their hooligan chants along with the Chazin during Musaf. Also known as Kedusha. Effects of the Kiddish Club on Society To this day we are grateful to the pioneers that started the Kiddish Club. They never gave up. These heroes that started the Kiddish Club were judged for leaving services. But they stuck to their scruples and stayed away from the Haftorah. And this is why the Kiddish Club lasts and tipsy people are in shul. And we have the Chazin to thank. Without the Chazin, people would’ve never wanted to leave shul. Thanks to the Kiddish Club and the mark it's left, Tishes have also become popular. Where people drink to become closer to Gd and get away from their wives. One innovative rabbi in The Five Towns (a place made for only Jews- nonJews live in places like Lawrence, Cedarhurst, and Woodmere) said, "Let's make the Minyin a Kiddish Club." And nobody showed for Kiddish Club. Next time we will discuss the involvement of people known as “mothers” who have been trying to ruin something good, such as the Kiddish Club, with statements such as “we don’t think it’s good for our children to be around drunk people.” But that fringe group known as mothers has been silenced in recent years, in favor of other very loud groups known as guys who want to drink. Tags:
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The Kiddish Club is where people leave Davening in the middle of shul and go for a drink. The Kiddish Club was not started in Biblical times. Though many consider it Halacha to get out of shul for the Haftorah and not come back, leaving shul to get tipsy is not Jewish law.
When the Jews left Egypt they had an I Am Thirsty Club. However, once they made it to Israel and found the Jordan River, Jews found ways of quenching their thirst. Nonetheless, when the concept of having to sit with your family for a whole Friday night meal was presented as an important way to celebrate Shabbat, the rabbis instituted Kiddish at the meal. And they said Kiddish has to be made on wine. This helped keep Shalom Bayit, peace in the house, helping dads somehow find the annoyance of their children amusing. Then came Shabbat day, and the rabbis said, "These dads need a drink now too. Kiddish has to be made at the Shabbat meal during the day as well. And when you have another meal in another place, make another Kiddish." Some religious Jews were making up to fifteen Kiddishes, finding new spots to eat. Park benches all over Eastern Europe were full of empty bottle of Manischewitz. Some made it a tradition to visit multiple friends on Shabbat, just to make more Kiddishes. People became friends with random neighbors when they ran out of wine. The going to people's homes for Kiddish became a quite popular tradition in the 1300s when people realized that they didn't have to pay for Kiddishes at people's homes. This lead to another tradition, known as Sukkah hopping and not buying your own food for the Sukkot holiday. Shul boards were trying to figure out how they could help their communities. In the year 424CE, it was unanimously decided that a Kiddish must be provided after services. And the Jews of the exile started showing up to shul at the end of Musaf. Leaving Services for a Drink The concept of leaving services for alcohol began in the 1800s. Before that, they had a Shliach Tzibur, a messenger of the congregation, leading the Davening. Once we started calling the person leading the services a Chazan, people felt the need to drink alcohol. It took the rabbis years to get people to show up on time for Minyin, even though there was no Kiddish till the end of services. Finally, people started showing up on time. It was the lack of cable TV in the homes. It happened in around the year 1306CE, give or take. People would show up and push through the prayers till Davening ended, when all would fold their Tallises in joy and run to Kiddish. For years, people tried pushing through two and a half hours of Davening on a Saturday morning with this new person leading services that they were calling the Chazan. They could never figure out how to do it. Though they were constantly angry at what they called "The Chazin" or "This Guy Who Makes Me Angry with Song." To quote Moishie, the first member of the Kiddish Club (which was at that time known as "Moishie going out for a drink"), "I need a drink." His rabbi argued with him that it wasn't a Halacha. But then Moishie said, "Did you hear the Chazin?!" And his rabbi left the shul and had a drink with him, and declared, this should be Jewish law. A Tradition Begins So, they started having drinks in the middle of Davening. Middle of Torah reading a guy named Menachem Shloimy stood up and said "LChaim" and passed around drinks during Shlishi. He would walk around the shul with shot glasses and whiskey, and say "LChaim" in the middle of Torah reading. He was corrected when the Gabai told him, "The proper response to a Bracha is 'Amen.'" To which Menachem Shloimy said the Bracha on wine. To which the rest of the congregants, said "LChaim." A Halacha class was given by the rabbi and they learned that you first say "Amen" to the blessing. Then after you drink, you say "LChaim," to dedicate your drunken state to Chaim. He was a guy in Menachem Shloimy's shul that everybody liked. And to this day, people dedicate their drinking to him. Moving the Drinking Out of Shul Some people didn't care for the idea of drinking in shul, in the middle of prayers. In the early 1800s, these people were known as losers. The losers, also known as people who love Gd and believe in sanctification of prayer, proclaimed that drinking should be done after shul. There were others who argued drinking in shul was wrong as the Chazan interrupted their enjoyment of the alcohol. They proposed to leave shul, and they were loved. Upon hearing this idea of not drinking in shul, it was the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi who said, "Kiddish. We drink during Kiddish." To which Pinchas said, "But Kiddish is after Davening." After much discussion it was decided by the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi, "We shall have Kiddish before Kiddish." Pinchas The Loser asked, "What does that consist of?" To which Reb Yankel said, "Drinking." And he was the most loved rabbi in all of Lithuania. Thus came about the creation of schnapps. Tags:
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Words to help you understand what is known as Jewish community and why Jews also don't like Jews.
Anti-Semites- a) One who charges Jews for items or services. Sentence: "So, we’re at the movies. Those anti-Semites are charging $4 for popcorn." b) A cop that gives a Jew a ticket for speeding. c) Anybody who asks a Jew to do any work. We link it back to Egypt. d) Number one reason for Aliyah to Israel. They do a much better job than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency of bringing Jews to Israel. See all of Europe for ways to attack Jews.
Appeal Cards- Cards with flaps that people fold over to let the shul know what they intend to give to the synagogue if they ever give anything. If it was a cash donation, the shul would never see a flipped tab. The members still owe dues from the 1980s. Even when these people get honored, they don’t pay their pledges. Yet, they still flip the numbers on the Yom Kippur appeal cards. It is to say, "If I were to ever pay my dues and give money to the memorial chapel, this is how much I would think about giving." Apikores (pl. Apikorsim)- a) Somebody who likes the rabbi. Sentence: "This Apikores enjoys the rabbi’s sermon. He knows from nothing." b) Somebody who knows the Torah and at the same time expresses a sense of happiness. Sentence: "You see her smiling? She's is definitely not keeping the Mitzvos. Apikoreset." Aramaic- A language every Jew should know. Unlike Hebrew. Sentence: "If I would know Aramaic, I would understand this Gemara." Armrest- a) An object that makes a tiny seat that is not meant for a whole person even more uncomfortable. This helps make the shul experience painful. Hence, meant for people who are not Apikorsim. Sentence: "This is more uncomfortable than ELAL. The chair sits half of my tush. This armrest is meant for a quarter arm. And that guy’s prayer book is in the back of my head. I'm feeling discomfort, and thus, penitent." b) Something put between seats in shul, so people will fight. Aron Kodesh- A place to put names of people who have a lot of money, and the Torahs. Sentence: "I think the Aron Kodesh will be more valuable if we can place some dedication plaques on the scrolls." Arts and Crafts- Where kids make Jewish objects, such as a Chanukiyah, a grogger, Jewish origami paper chains for the Sukkah, paper plate hamentashes, and Haggadahs. All of which the parents have to find a way to throw out without their children knowing. Sentence: "I wish this teacher would stop sending the arts and crafts home. She’s got no guts; putting the throwing out of the paper mache on us. Now my kids think I don’t love them… Yes. I do think they’re not talented." ArtScroll- a) Master translators of biblical and rabbinic text, that found a way to eliminate Hebrew for the new learner of Yiddishkeit; making English the language of the Torah. Sentence from Zealous American Bal Tshuva: "And I quote, 'The Tabernacle in the wilderness…' That is exactly how Moshe said it. In English." Alternative Sentence: "Got to be honest. No idea why I went to Yeshiva and tried learning this stuff in Aramaic, with no punctuation. This learning Talmud in English is so much easier. I feel like a Talmid Chacham.: Addition to Alternative Sentence: "Give me the Gemara in English and I'm happy not knowing what it says." b) The Jewish book company that elaborates. Other people translate. Artscroll elaborates. This is how the modern Jew learns. Sentence: "I need a translation that doesn’t translate." Translation of "Rabbi Moshe Feinstein had a good childhood": "Roshei Yeshiva came to Rabbi Feinstein when he was six months old. It was then that he gave his first rabbinic ordinances. He wrote his first book of Responsa on the laws of sharing when he was two year of age." c) The Jewish book publishing house, there for the safety of the frum reader, ensuring that we never have to read a book where a rabbi sinned, or where there is a storyline. Plot of all Biographies: Born a Tzadik in Brooklyn, lived as a Tzadik in Brooklyn, died a Tzadik Brooklyn, and still overcame much spiritual struggle to be a Tzadik in Brooklyn. ***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Toldot12/1/2024
Announcements
We want to apologize for not enough eggs salad and tuna salad at Kiddish. We understand they’re an important staple in our shul and for the Jewish community at large. We know that nobody came to shul the week after the last egg salad two servings for the whole community fiasco. No good Jew has a meal at shul without egg salad. And that includes Shalishudis. It is under investigation. We don't know who the fool is that thought deviled eggs was a good idea. We apologize for that faux-pa. We are kicking them off the Kiddish crew. Again. We are deeply sorry for the lack of egg salad. We don't have anybody who can Layn the Parsha this week. If you know how to read the Torah portion, please let us know. We are going to make a shul family tree. We want to honor the shul with it, so please leave out anybody from the Pintzkowitz Mishpuchi. Also leave out anyone related to any man that Davens in the back left of the shul. The rabbi made it clear that he wants to forget them. Michelle and Mike purchased an apartment in Israel. We want to wish them a Mazel Tov on their view. We hope to not see them in shul anymore. Contemporary Halacha classes are also classes about Halacha. Halacha hasn't changed. The laws have remained the same, even if you drive to shul on Shabbis. You are still sinning. Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Importance of Egg Salad in Shul and Hiding the Taste of Simi’s Choolent Which Nobody Likes. Laws of Israel and How a View Can Be So Beautiful and An Apartment So Ugly. Why You Don’t Have a Family Tree And Why Your Family Doesn't Visit You. What is Contemporary Halacha and Why You Haven't Shown Up To Contemporary Halacha Classes Yet. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... And they quarreled over wells. A lot of well quarreling... Well. They quarreled. How did it start? It didn’t start because Rebecca pulled Sarah Freida’s hair. We will ask the youth director to do something about that... She has done nothing since taking over the job... Well stop the fighting at least. Aren't groups supposed to be going on now? Why you’re in for the sermon is an anomaly. You’re the youth director... Rebecca is not an anti-Semite, even though Sarah Freida sounds more religious. Sarah Freida a more religious name. The double name makes her more religious. The more names... How did it start? (Bereishit 26:13-14) Yitzchak moves back to the Gerar Philistines area and he became great. “until he was very great.” Not like our Gabai who has just put on a lot of weight. “And there was to him flocks and herds, and a lot of business, and the Philistines became jealous.” Jealousy. Jealous of someone else's success. Where all problems start... Jealousy is forbidden, Bernie. Even if you don't like the rabbi. (Bereishit 26:15) So, they stopped up the wells dug by Avraham's servants. Kind of like the time they took away my parking spot, and then put cones there saying, “It’s dangerous to park here.” This is what jealousy does. It destroys. It ruins even stuff that's good for you. In our shul, it leads to bigger hats in the women’s section... Are you trying to protect your kids from the snow with that thing? I think it’s forbidden to wear that thing on Shabbis. It's a tent. The Philistines stopped up Avraham’s wells. They even violated Avimelech’s covenant (Rashi). Due to this jealousy, they lost a sense of their values. Kind of like when we left Gaza and they decided to destroy the green houses. Are you idiots?! It is just like when I left the shul for a Shabbis and the Gabai gave the sermon. Just like the Chazin when he sings. You all ruin everything. You destroy the enjoyment of shul... You wanted it, and now you don’t have it, because you destroyed it. Real smart. They couldn’t take the wells going back to Yitzchak. The rightful heir to the wells When there is jealousy you violate tradition. You violate values. You violate agreements. And then you have a board that can't give a rabbi a raise. Halacha doesn’t change with jealousy or wealth... But we will take your donations... It’s Halacha. Why does it have to change because we have Bernie in the shul?! I feel like the laws change when it comes to Shaindel’s new hats store... Shaindel’s Heimish Hats will not sell in Topeka. The hats wouldn't sell in New York. Heimish does not go with style. "Oy! What a Gevalt Fedora. It's Mamish Heimish." Nobody is paying for that, unless if it's a side dish. "Oy! What a Gevalt tuna salad. It's Mamish Heimish." I'm paying ninety dollars for that deluxe Mamish tuna. Just call it Shaindel's huge hats... You can't sell them in shul. We had an agreement that people would not block other people's views of me with their hats... Ancestry is important. Offspring? We can see in our congregation that it’s not always a blessing. Have you seen junior congregation?! And that is what quarreling and jealousy looks like... I told our youth director to call every one of them up to the Torah when they do the fake Layning at junior congregation. If not, there will be fights... Well, they learn from their parents. Jealousy over Aliyahs. And now we have to buy a new Torah. 45K in the hole, because jealousy caused Torah rippage... Max. You attacked the Gabai and knocked over the Bar Mitzvah boy's cousin, who was doing Galilah... It is this jealousy that causes things to get ruined. Like Kiddish this week, where there's no egg salad. Without egg salad you don’t have Kiddish. You can call it "a depressing post service non-Heimish conversation with Bernie and Ethel." Not Kiddish... Egg salad is the condiment and main of choice at Kiddish... Your choolent is disgusting without egg salad... Deviled eggs?! No. Deviled eggs are not egg salad. They're the devil's eggs because they keep people from coming to shul... And now Michelle and Mike are talking about their view in Israel. Trying to make people jealous... Always a view. In Israel, you’re always showing off your view. Because the inside of the house is disgusting. "Look at my view. From my house, you can look out and see something really nice." The Philistines would've blocked the view... When you don't have appreciation, you do stupid stuff, like stopping up wells and overflowing the toilets... It was clogged already, Bernie. Like Rav Dessler teaches, you can't have jealousy and takers, and then appreciation. They can't coexist. And this is how you end up with no egg salad. Like the Philistines. Jealousy affects our heritage. It destroys people. And then you end up with the president of our board. It ends up being a Kiddish with no egg salad. And Rebecca hitting people for Oreos. Pulling out hair... And that is Halacha. Rivka's Rundown Exactly. A Kiddish with no egg salad. Says it all. Not much more to say. The rabbi made it clear that the Philistines are not Palestinians. Though Abbas said they are also descendants of Arafat. Very true. The more names you have makes you more religious. That includes parents' names with a Ben or Bat before them. If your name is Rebecca, you better have a mother with at least four names to get a good Frum Shidduch out of high school. Rebecca Bat Freida Blima Shaindel Bracha. Nobody showed up to the Why You Haven't Shown Up to Contemporary Halcha Class Yet Halacha class. I am guessing they didn't know why they didn't show up to that class either. Little Rebecca is crazy. She hates all Jews. At least it looks like that at junior congregation. The rabbi is correct. The youth should not be in for the sermon. There are enough grownups there that can’t pay attention for the forty minute sermons. The rabbi was saying the youth should be at youth groups. Makes sense. They're youth groups. Though, I have a feeling our new youth director took them into the sermon for safety. She figured Rebecca wouldn't pull hair in front of the Aron Kodesh. But she was wrong. Rebecca pulled out a chunk of Sarah Freida's head. After the rabbi said, "And that's Halacha," eight men jumped on Rebecca, to keep her from attacking anybody else, and to stop the possible idol worship ritual. Since when did big hats become something people get jealous of? I’m 100% with the rabbi. Yiddish does not match style. You can’t be posh and speak Yiddish. No French designer is out there selling Heimish clothes. You sell Heimish food. And that means egg salad. Heimish egg salad. Sheindel is also not a designer name for anybody not selling nightgowns and Tichels. Nothing was mentioned about Thanksgiving in the rabbi's sermon. I think he was extremely not happy to see all of the families visiting. Anything he was thankful for was overshadowed by the congregation. Most rabbis say, "It's great to see the children and the grandchildren." Our rabbi just gave a look of unhappiness and talked about stopping up wells. The rabbi considers congregants to be offspring. Therefore, offspring is not good. Offspring of who? Probably bad people. The Message as I Understood It: Ancestors are good. Grandparents messed up. So grandparents are bad. Grandparents are not ancestors. Ancestors are at least three generation ago, according to our rabbi. The shul family tree did not work out. It turns out that even though the Chachkin cousins married each other, the rest of the shul is not family. It also turns out people don't even know their parent's names for Yarhzeits. Calling up Aliyahs to the Torah sometimes takes fifteen minutes before somebody remembers the guy's father's name. Last week we had to help Steve. It took forty minutes before anybody could figure out the name of the guy who owned the corner store. That was Steve's dad. By the time they found out his name most of the congregants thought the sermon was over. That was a tricky move in the announcements. There was no egg salad. That was going to keep people from coming to shul, until they found out that there was no one to read the Torah and they could get out early, due to the lack of our membership's commitment to Mitzvahs. What kind of fools don’t put out egg salad at Kiddish?! One woman said, "Chumus is good too." Yes. If you’re having falafel. Which they serve anytime we have something going on that has anything to do with Israel. They had falafel on Israeli pizza night. I agree with the rabbi and the board that deviled eggs are not enjoyable. Paprika has to be mixed in for eggs to taste good. With all that paprika on top, it's too dusty. I feel bad for Maxine. Maxine made deviled eggs because Cheryl was saying, "No more egg salad." She thought she was doing the next best thing. Now she's going to have to do her cooking at home, and that costs more money. Purchasing a view is not a good idea on the money front. You get there and you start to think you should've bought your neighbor's house. The good one. “Look outside my house. Now that is nice. My neighbors. Now, that's a nice house.” Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYera11/17/2024
Announcements
Mazel Tov to the Kornbluth family on the worst Bris. No onions were provided. Nobody enjoyed the bagels. From now on, anybody who hosts a Simcha with bagels must provide onions. The rabbi had to take the Mohel back to his place to cut up some onions. Mohels should not be cutting onions... Tomatoes are optional. Lox may be served without tomatoes. We are very proud of our shul programming. We have another speaker coming next week. We ask that people stop trying to be creative and we stick to speakers. There’s no reason for a games night if you don’t have a speaker at it. Our programming focus is speakers. Bingo lost money again. We’re the only shul who loses money at Bingo. We ask the volunteers sell the snacks, and not eat them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Not Bless Your Son by Not Providing Onions for the Lox. How to Ruin a Program with a Speech. How to Make Money off Bingo and Not Report it Like The Pintzkowitzs. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The angels come to destroy Sedom and the Sedomites want to "know them"... This is why I was very skeptical when Merv and Ethel invited us over for dinner when I first started as rabbi... We’ve all been there. Lot offers his daughters. That’s how messed up Lot's family was. Imagine the Hershblooms. They were even worse than the Hershblooms... (Bereishit 19:13) The angels tell Lot to get out of Sedom with his family. ‘For we are destroying this place, for their outcry (their screams) have become great before H’...’ What is the outcry? They were out of control. Were they loving it? Were they not? It’s hard to tell the difference between partying and crying when it’s immoral. When you have a shul that has no idea how to run a Bingo night... When you hear screaming coming from junior congregation, you have no idea what it means. Is it that they're playing paper football, or is Shayna's hair getting pulled out again... Your son is an animal, Baruch. I don't know what you do at home, but I am sure stuff is getting destroyed. His son-in-law mocks it. (Bereishit 19:14) ‘He was like a a guy making jokes in the eyes of his son-in-law.’ No. I’m not making jokes now, Bernie. His son-in-law influenced by Sedeom. He couldn’t see the evil. Kind of like the same way the congregants are influenced by the board... They have no idea what Torah is. Ethel. They think it's a corporation... There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. You don't serve lox without onions. Who eats lox without onions?... Of course you need cream cheese and lox. But it means nothing without onions. And no eggs??? It was a bagel nightmare... And what do tomatoes do? Exactly. Nothing. Onions. Always have onions... Not whole onions. You don’t put a whole onion on a bagel. Got to cut them... When you’re around poor Kiddishes and a town that doesn’t have a decent caterer, you forget. You think that is normal. You want to scream at the immorality... Now you’re bringing up cream cheese again??? Is that even a question. What? Are you going to put butter on the bagel with lox?! The board decided on speakers. They’ve decided that people like to listen to people speak... Excuse me Bernie. I’m speaking right now... You have no idea what Victor from Israel talked about. He was a speaker. He didn't talk... The whole time Victor was focused on the meet and greet and how there were bagels and lox, but no onions. It’s like you want to scream. You want to scream when you don’t get onions. When you have to listen to another speaker, you want to scream. You want to scream when you’re the only shul that can’t make profit on Bingo.... Who loses money at Bingo... Then stop eating the snacks. Sell them. I don't know if people are screaming because they won, or because they lost 12 thousand dollars. And now they can't pay their mortgage... I don't know why people in shul can't pay their dues. Are you guys going to church Bingo?... It's all immoral. We can’t let this be the shul normal. There is a huge outcry and we don’t even hear it, because the Chazin is so loud... The angels tell Lot to leave. Lot doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go too far. (Bereishit 19:18-20) He wants to go to a lesser bad Sedom city. When you’re in a bad place, you want to stay. You don’t realize it. When you're at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, you want to scream. The membership. The board. The Chazin... Pirkei Avot (1:17) 'Distance yourself from a bad neighbor. And don't become friends with an evil person.' Which is why I am not friends with my congregants. We learn to find a moral place and be there. Find your morality and keep it... I'm here to teach. It's a mission. I'm trying to help you get out... It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to see the bad. You hear the screams and you think it's only kids gouging out eyes. We know junior congregation is scary and no parent wants to be there. Kids yelling. There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. But you still go to the Bris, because you don't know any better. It becomes normal. The yelling. The madness. The anger over having lox with tomatoes and no onions just, you accept your fate... This place is out of control. We must have control to keep the morality. To keep bringing in speakers. To have a well-run Bingo night. To ensure there are onions for the lox. Keep your moral integrity and decent bagels. Baruch's son has destroyed the building again. He's yelling and out of control. And now all the little girls and boys are crying... Whether if it's for extreme pleasure or for extreme pain, either way, screaming is a concern. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was telling the shul that they had bagels with no lox and no onions in Sedom. That is where all went wrong. He equated having no onions with the need for destruction of a people. The rabbi literally yelled the whole sermon to get across his point that you can't sleep during his sermons.The board has been bad for so long, they are messed up. The rabbi was saying to destroy them. What's a scream? That's a great question. And I appreciate the rabbi dealing with it very loudly. When Bernie yells out during the rabbi's sermon, we know what that is. That's disruption. I believe the rabbi said junior congregation is a bigger curse than the board. He did say that at least they're not in shul itself. To quote, 'Keep kids out of shul. I am already dealing with Bernie.' Finally, the rabbi approached the onion issue. I just left the Kornbluth Bris. I saw there were no onions. I went home and had cereal. It was very disappointing. After all of those Brachas for the newborn child and the cutting, to have no onions and no eggs. A shanda. Everything is a speaker. You can’t have a program without a speaker. That’s the big thing. A speaker and 5k. You get a speaker, you pay a lot and it’s a shul program. It allows people to say they went to a speaker. They never have anything to say about the speaker, because they fell asleep. People will pay a lot for a good nap, if the person is famous. The rabbi started handing out tests after the speakers. He even kicked out a member who scored a 30 on the test. It was my friend Malkie. She didn’t even know the guy was talking about medical ethics. She fell asleep as soon as he started talking about comas. I think I'm going to change my profession to a speaker. I can talk about how the rabbi is right. I'm sure the rabbi will dip into his discretionary fund for me. Most of the people in our shul are talkers. Nobody likes talkers. They like speakers. Bingo has been pathetic. I think it’s the volunteering. Our membership hears that word and they run. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Lech Lecha11/10/2024
Announcements
Hoarding in our community must stop. All of your stuff ends up at the shul. The fire department stopped by and blamed the rabbi for being a hoarder, because the Horvitz family dropped off a truckload of clothes. The shul is not Goodwill. We ask you pay your dues with money you have. Bounced checks don’t count as payment. Trying is not appreciated. We understand it’s school tax season. We ask you pay dues as another tax write-off. If it's a tax write-off some of you might pay it. Bingo volunteers should not be playing Bingo. It looks rigged when the ones calling are winning. We are losing customers, due to seeing the ushers hand winnings to themselves. If you’re winning and you’re the one bringing the cards to the game, it comes off wrong. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Care About People so Your Shul Doesn’t Turn into a Goodwill, Chas vShalom. How to Get Written Off By the Shul by Not Paying Your Dues. How to Make it Look Like the Bingo Game is Rigged, with Bracha. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 13:5-8) The land couldn’t support the flocks and cattle of both Avraham and Lot. ‘And the land couldn’t support their living together, for their possessions were much and they couldn’t dwell together.’ Sounds like Jim and Bracha. Their marriage... You guys are hoarders. When you can’t live with somebody else’s wealth, you can’t live with them, and this congregation has absolutely no money. At least the congregants give nothing to Tzedakah. I think we’re only together because nobody gives anything to the shul. The community bonds by not donating anything useful to the shul. By not helping... Ever seen the sisterhood?! Helping leads to fights. And there was a fight between their herdsmen. What are you going to fight over? Who was less helpful to the congregation. Success did not allow for them to live in peace. Success separates families. Wealth pulls families apart. It definitely hasn’t stopped people from coming to shul, who don’t pay dues. It doesn’t stop them from coming to shul and not sponsoring Kiddish. Did you ever notice how annoying rich people are?!... Poor people are annoying too. We have a lot of them in our shul. So they separate. All should be good. Lot chooses the planes of the Yarden. Beautiful land. But again, great land means nothing without the right people. Lot encamped all the way down in Sedom. (13:13) ‘Now the people of Sedom were wicked and sinners before H’, exceedingly.’ And we know what happens there. Kind of like the board that ruined a great Bingo night. Could’ve been a great thing for our shul, like Beit Knessed Ashirut vSimcha. They run a great Bingo night, because Samantha is not running their board... Again, Lot ends up not doing well... Choosing based on money and living for financial success just leads to strife and bad relationships. Bad relationships with a yacht. Would we rather have wealthy or poor congregants? Good question. Let’s start with congregants. Those are annoying. I'm thinking of giving them a choice to go to East Topeka. I'll go west... You give the worst donations. Instead of giving of your wealth to charity, you dump stuff on the shul... Your old set of Monopoly is not a donation... It's missing the railroad cards and the thimble piece. Everybody wants to be the thimble... Your set of Monopoly will ruin junior congregation. And those kids don't give money either... Throw it out. Why is it that the shul is your warehouse? We understand you collect doll heads. Those scare kids. And I can't stand junior congregation too. If it’s valuable, why are you dropping it off at shul? You’ve never given anything valuable to this congregation... Your Davening is not appreciated. No value. That is not a donation... Your check bounced... Your note that the shul should cover school taxes. Why are we to pay for school taxes?... It’s not all about money. It’s about what you do with money, your relationships... I don’t like people either... I am sorry if you don’t have enough money to pay school taxes. Maybe this shul isn’t for you. Shul taxes. We're going to start charging shul taxes. We must support the shul. Not to fight over the shul having money... We don't have money. You don't pay your dues. All we have is Bingo... It’s not gambling. It’s Bingo. There aren't enough people supporting the gambling in our shul. Other shuls are drawing so many more people to Bingo because they have good callers. You're bringing up stories of your ancestors in Odessa. It's 'O-63.' Just say 'O-63.' You don't have to go, 'O, as in Odessa. Where I come from. My family immigrated...' We’ll never be successful if the volunteers are winning. You called the game and said, ‘The winner is me.’ Bracha. You took the money out of your hand, showed it to everybody. Then, put it in your pocket... They all knew about you winning. You waved the money and smiled and did a leg kick on your jump... You even started singing, 'I'm in the money... I've got a lot of cash to help me get along.' And the Bingo players were asking how you won without a card... We would be more successful if one of the card sellers went to one side and the other went the other way. Sometimes, separating does do good for a community... The problem is this community is like Sedom and Amorah. They also never donated to shul. If we just had the issues of boundaries with money... Our issues of boundaries are our congregants over-bothering the rabbi. Sometimes in life you go to your destiny. Other times in life you get away from wealthy people. And other times in life, you have to deal with congregants that offer nothing to the shul. Congregants that are so against money that they won’t pay their dues or help at Bingo... I feel like H’ is telling me that there is a whole land of amazing congregations and I should go and choose one... May we be Zoyche to more fights and congregants that are useful. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi made a great argument for focusing on wealth to keep people away. To quote Zahava, ‘If my wealth keeps people away, and I don’t have to talk to them at Kiddish, because I have money, I’m happy.’ Zahava isn’t wealthy, but she has learned to keep people away while she’s eating kugel. She has even found a way to get out of showing up to family events, like Lot, by sending big gifts. I think the rabbi just said everybody is annoying. That was his message. You want to pull a family apart, leave your kids money. Save up money and don't write a will, and your kids will hate each other. Again, separating family. It separated mine. And now, I don't get invited to half the Simchas. I save on gifts. Being poor doesn't hurt, as long as somebody wealthy separates you. The rabbi made it very clear. He only wants congregants with money. But they shouldn’t focus on money. They should give it to the shul. The shul is not Goodwill. It turns out, the shul doesn't care about people, especially those in need. If somebody is in need and can pay full membership, they might care. The fact that there was a 'Chas vShalom' added to the rabbi's class about giving to people, a strong 'Gd forbid,' expresses the importance of community and keeping people out. People still drop off their junk at shul. They say it’s not junk. But when they drop it off, we know it is. We've even had people come to pick up a 1960s Barbie they dropped off by accident. They felt bad the shul might make money off it. They drop it off and say it’s something the shul can use. Who makes that decision over a bike tire that went flat?! We need another committee for taking people’s junk. The fact that Simmie thought his Davening was him giving to the shul is the real issue. If you wonder why people can't stand Simmie, it has nothing to do with his wealth. The shul is to blame for school taxes. Why? Because they ask for dues at the same time the town is collecting school taxes. School, Shul, they sound the same. Not a shocker. They all want our money. The key is tax write-offs. People need to hear that. They feel like they save money when they hear write-off. Anything with write-off makes them happy. Ethel Berman wrote-off her brother. Now they don't talk, and she is happy. Everything should be a tax write-off. Our congregants would spend a lot more. The board decided that next year's Yizkur Appeal will have 'Tax Write-off' written on it. The rabbi is more worried about people showing up to Bingo than Shabbat morning Shacharit. He said Bingo is not gambling but a game. To quote, 'It's a game where everybody loses and the shul wins.' It turns out Simcha knows that I-23 and G-57 are weighted. Weighted Bingo balls should be forbidden, as weighted measurements. For some reason, nobody in the congregation has said anything about the weighted balls. And Bracha is fine with it. The rabbi ended his sermon by blessing everybody with wealth, and that their family should hate them. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Noach11/4/2024
Announcements
The rabbi has called off the shul casino night fundraiser. He feels it will be too much fun, and that it is Asur. The rabbi also said it’s forbidden because the other half of the shul that doesn’t golf, spends half their week at the casino and hasn’t pay their dues. The holidays are over. We ask all parents to stop yelling in shul. Candy violence must stop. One of our very own children got taken to the emergency room the other day due to a Bat Mitzvah injury over Parshat Bereishit. It was after Simchat Torah, which is a very dangerous holiday due to candy. Parents somehow think it's safe to hurl candy around children at shul. The X-ray showed five boxes of Jelly Bells, three large Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, with a Laffy Taffy in her spleen, due to attack for wanting a Sunkist Fruit Gem. The Laffy Taffy was wedged in there, due to the child competing for a Sunkist gem. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose All of Your Money at Shul and Not a Casino. How to Abuse Your Children Like the Horwitz Mishpuchi Who are Yellers. How to Violently Attack Somebody Who Has Pez or Anything Paskesz. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drashas Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 6:11-12) ‘And the earth became corrupt before Gd, and the earth became full of robbery (Chamas).’ And you haven’t paid your dues... Of course it was before Gd. Who else would it be before?... Yes. It was before 1985... They must've had a board. Good question. I'm sure the president is siphoning funds. I definitely haven't received a raise in a while... And right after this robbery, it says, ‘And Gd saw the earth and behold it was corrupted.’ Corrupted here the same root as the word ‘destroyed.’ Shachat... I used the Hebrew there so you can understand that your rabbi knows a lot. He went to Ulpan... Chamas. Robbery. Stealing is what destroyed the world. I will not get into reserved seats during the High Holidays... It is stealing, even if you sit in that seat the rest of the year. R’ Hirsch presents the Midrash that they stole from one another in little ways that were not subject to authority. This kind of thievery is morally damaging, as thievery within the letter of the law weakens our conscience and corrupts our social makeup. Like the board. Ruining the makeup of our shul. It's that little thievery, like the congregants who steal my time. Morally damaging society with their dumb questions... It's the stuff that looks legal. Kind of like the way you guys don’t pay for your Mishebeyrachs... When you make us sit through fifty of your first cousins in blessing form, plus the Gabai of the shul, you have to pay for that. To not pay is what destroys the world. As do your cousins. The pain they put is through with your blessing them. When you pull out that list of sixty Ben Moshes, you're weakening the conscience of our congregation... People stopped showing up because of you and your Mishebeyrach list, Sam... Casinos are destroying our society. Topeka is being destroyed by the thievery of the casinos. And they cause our members to not pay dues. And this destruction has led our board to wanting to host a casino night... A fundraiser?! You're destroying our congregation. You know the roof has a leak. Might turn into a flood... Casino night? You mean gambling in the shul??? Zecharia. You’re an addict. You think slot machines work... I didn't say alcohol was better. Though, there would be more of a chance you would pay your dues... Ever made the same mistake 300 times. Here’s Zack... You haven’t paid your dues This isn’t Gamblers Anonymous. What you share with the rabbi does not fall under HIPAA. I’m here helping you. Telling the shul we shouldn’t have casino night because of you and the other 75% of the congregation that’s addicted to gambling and losing their paycheck to a panda... Chamas is thievery. Chamas owns casinos... I’ll bet the owners of these casinos aren’t paying their dues. How much are we betting on that?! And this destruction leads to corruption and anger. It leads to getting ripped off by my mechanic. It just seems like you use the holidays to get mad at your kids. Take out your addictions... I heard you yelling at your Sukkah. It’s a Sukkah. It’s supposed to be a joy. You building it with your son is messed up. I have never heard a dad berate their twelve year old child for not being a good construction worker, due to their lack of ability to slip a rod through a hole in a sheet... Your wall is bedding and you're screaming at the kid for not knowing how to build. That's not even good Chinuch... Your destruction and thievery kills the Sukkah. How hard is it? You’re making a dwelling out of linen... You steal in little ways, like pile driving the head of a six year old for a Sunkist Fruit Gem... That is stealing. And quite Frankly, Frank, your child is an animal. It was a Fruit Gem. Not even a Laffy Taffy... The candies. You’re the only parents that let your kids eat candy in five gallon bags... Like you’re hoping they get sick. Your kids at Simchat Torah were on the floor jumping for candy the whole time. A few kids were praying to a KitKat... The violence was worse than the Pitkins Park jungle gym. Stealing swings... You wouldn't survive there Heather. Those kids would've stolen your spot on the slide... A Twizzler. It was a Twizzler. It didn't have to end that way... And who throws Twizzlers?... You took it out of box. It wasn't even individually wrapped. Twizzlers are dangerous. They're like little whips. You think it's safe to throw candy around children??? Your kid pile drived his knee into her for a Fruit Gem. Candy is violent. And quite dangerous. It's Chamas... I understand the board came up with a rule that no sucking candies are allowed, due to accidental swallowage. However, Sunkist Fruit Gem attacks, and an unwitting child's not understanding that they must give up their Paskesz to Yankel, causes much more physical harm... A pile driver!!! Shul violence must stop. There is no need to stab a child with a Laffy Taffy. And what’s the result of all of this corruption, thievery and candies? (Bereishit 7:21-22) ‘All that have the spirit of life in his nostrils, from all that was on dry land, died.’ Death. Is that what you want? Death by sweets?! That’s what Laffy Taffy can do. When little kids steal Hot Tamales... And casino night kills shuls... Because you guys end up worshiping the craps table. And then the board pit bosses steals all your money... No. I did not curse there. Though, that’s what people say when they play craps. It's the small acts of sin and communal destruction that breaks down our society and kills the world, like our board. It's the bad jokes Merv tells at Kiddish... Yeah. The Torah lets us know that thievery kills a bunch in our Parsha... Because it corrupts, like football, when you don’t show up to Minyin and bet your mortgage on it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi equated not paying dues with stealing and trying to kill people. He then equated gambling with Chamas. Which makes sense. Chamas was probably running underground casinos in Gaza. And then he considered Pez dispensers to be Chamas. How that was thievery. Maybe it’s how expensive they are. Between us. I’ve choked on Pez before. That stuff turns into sugar dust before you know it, and you're inhaling it. One guy thought he was saying Chumus. I would rather have good Chumus than candy. Chumus does not destroy the world. Chumus brings the world together. The rabbi stayed away from equating Chamas with Chamas. He thought the Chumus joke was more valuable than relating the Parsha to what we’re going through in our times. So this is why the rabbi shares everything you tell him. He says it’s not HIPAA. The board thought the casino night fundraiser was a good idea. They figured that with all the addicts, this was the only way they would get their money. They figured with Zecharia, he would stay away from the Witchatanqua Casino and give the money to the shul. The shul needs the funds. If they can get the money through the back way, the board decided they should do that. The rabbi actually bet Zecharia as to whether or not casinos are bad, and if there'll be a gambling night at shul. The board voted this week. Decided that the only way to get people to come to shul was to have a casino in it. They're bringing it to court to allow for a casino. They feel they can do better than Bingo if they have slots and card tables. Bingo has been the one constant in our shul. Some feel Torah reading is important. Most of the board feels Bingo is more important. To quote Pirkei Avot 'If there is no Bingo there is no Torah.' Sukkah building in our community has been disallowed by family services. A social worker has to show up to ensure the dad does not overly berate the child for hanging a sheet wrong. The Horwitzs are screamers. And I believe they are not allowed into junior congregation without a police escort. The shul president gave a very passionate speech about candy violence, and the importance of gambling. Kids are violent. At the parks too. With the swing-sets, slides and monkey-bar fights, it is more dangerous than Frank's kids around a Laffy Taffy. If they had candy being thrown at the jungle gym the rabbi would forbid slides. He already forbade candies being thrown in bouncy houses. One kid in our shul took a hockey stick and slashed another kid so he could get a spot at the foosball table, and there was no candy on the table. Though, I think they were playing with a Jawbreaker. The rabbi is correct, these little forms of stealing people's spots destroys the world. I can tell you, I want to shoot the guy who cut me at Carvel, wehn I was going for soft serve the other day. Note: Jawbreakers sound violent. And they are, especially when one of Frank's kids throws them to get fruit gem. Due to the use our children have found for Laffy Taffy, the prison warden banned all candy of gooey substance from the commissary. Against the rabbi's ruling, the congregants brought in card tables and slot machines, and Sunkist Fruit Gems. They even bet on cornhole and the little basketball hoop competition. Foosball, they just threw Jawbreakers at each other. It was the most attended event in shul history. Everybody skipped the casino that night. Tags:
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Announcements
From now on, we will be singing Acheinu at the end of every service, in honor of the loved ones of Israel we lost the past year and the Achdut (unity of our people). They should have an Aliyat Nishama. We ask that out of respect for the fallen that none of our congregants harmonize. We understand that many congregants are mad they will not have as much time to golf, due to the singing. Even so, we do expect that the extra prayers will help with your game. We ask Bernie to not pray for rain. We have a feeling his prayers are not answered. Ever since he prayed for Rachel to get better, and her cough turned into a tumor, we don’t appreciate his prayers. We lost members because of the Yizkur appeal. They said they’re never coming again on Yom Kippur due to these surprise chargers. To quote, 'Our parents would be rolling over in their grave if they knew the shul was still collecting pledges from them.' Sukkot decorating this Monday is open to kids of all ages. That means under eighteen. Over eighteen people are scary. The Felsenblums love each other. You could see that love when he handed her the Lulav and Etrog over the Mechitza. True love. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Sing Acheinu Right and Not Ruin a Good Song Like the Back Left of Our Shul. Yizkur Appeals and How Your Loved Ones Go Up To Heaven When You Give the Shul More Money. How We Suffered a Drought Because of Bernie's Off-key Singing. How to Purchase Sukkot Decorations When You're Over Forty: How Not to Scare Children By Making Paper-plate Pomegranates with Them as an Old Person. The Love of a Religious Couple: How an Etrog Saved a Marriage. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Our hearts go out to all the families and the loved ones we lost in the tragedy last Simchat Torah... It goes from vZot HaBracha into Bereishit... I know it's painful. Right after, that Shabbat, we read another Parsah. I know it’s a lot. I have to deal with the Chazin too. We all feel the pain... I have no idea what (Devarim 33:13-17) ‘and with the bounty of the moon’s yield, with the quick ripening crops of the early mountains...’ I have no idea what early mountains mean. I don't know if mountains get sleep. I'm not a geomorphologist. Maybe it has something to do with people going to early Minyin not needing to waste their whole day hearing a Chazin go off on some harmony, or a Torah reader Layner guy who still sounds like he's reading his Bar Mitzvah Parsha. The early mountain guy gets gets to go to work, because he doesn't have to hear the people in our shul... No. I don't know what the moon yields. I do know that Yosef’s kin receive blessings of prosperous land, as he was separated and he gets that ‘crown’... You’ve done nothing, which is why you live in a shack and your grass is dried out... Simeone. You grow dried fruit. It’s because of ancestry. That’s why your kids get no blessings... It's because of you. Moshe doesn’t mention wives in the blessings. He’s talking about the nation... You need a wife. When it comes to the individual not messing up and getting decent land, you need somebody telling you you messed up. The wife keeps you on the moral path... People would've thought it was a curse if Moshe brought the wives into it... (Bereishit 2:20) Adam names all the animals, ‘but for Adam he didn’t find a helper against him.’ Somebody against him to tell him he messed up... Problem is man was naming all the other animals, thinking about them, but he had nobody to think about him. Nobody giving him a name. With a wife, you have somebody to tell you you're a Yutz... I understand there is a lot going on this weekend. Calm down. It's sermon time. (Bereishit 2:25) ‘And they were both naked, man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.’ They weren't as out of shape as our membership. It is because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge, Etz HaDaat, they realized they were naked. And B"H. I wouldn't want to see the back left of this shul without clothes... I would've realized you were naked. So out of shape. When you have knowledge, you realize you don't want to see Louis without a shirt. You know that much... I'm not going back to the JCC pool because of you. That's why you need a wife, Chaim. You have no style. You'd be better off naked. I don't know who would've eaten from the Etz HaDaat. If you did, you would've realized how off you are. How off your singing is. You would've realized the Yutziness of this congregation. The nakedness of your moral aptitude. Singing Acheinu is beautiful. It had me crying... It’s the swaying. The melody. Singing it with you guys off-tune just brings tears to my eyes... Partially because I’m thinking about our Jewish people. The ones I like. The harmony is wrong. Your singing is the antithesis of brotherhood. Your singing Acheinu is pulling our people apart... We do ask our congregants don’t pray for the nation... Bernie. Your prayers are a curse. It’s like a curse when you say Tehillim. H’ does the opposite... And you still haven't paid your appeal card pledge... Sukkot is already over... Of course we do it on the holidays. It’s an appeal. It’s a High Holiday appeal. It’s tradition... You can’t appeal the appeal... You pay dues and then the appeal... If the wives of this shul would just tell your all how messed up you are... That's why I have to do it. Even eighteen year olds showing up to Sukkah decorating is weird. There are seven year olds there... No. You shouldn't be coloring paper plates past high school. It’s for kids Bernie. You’re not a kid. You’re ninety years old.... Feeling like a kids does not make you a kid. It makes you creepy. Seeing you cutting out a paper chain is creepy. Seeing you in a swimsuit is creepy. Hearing you praying to H' is scary... That’s true love. Handing your wife an Etrog over the Mechitzah is romance... Saving money is romantic. Buying two Lulavs and Etrogs is not... Buying extra beds and extra fridges is not romance. Sharing is. Well Mordy. How do you express your love?... Passing your child over the Mechitzah is not love. That's you trying to get rid of the thing. Passing an appeal card is also not love... We understand you don't want to pay the pledges. You haven't paid your dues... (Bereishit 3:6-7) They ate of the true of good and bad. ‘Their eyes were open and they knew they were naked.’ If anybody here was smart, they'd realize they haven't paid their pledges... It might have been an Etrog. How would I know?! It was probably ginger. That stuff wakes you up... And if you have the wrong wife, you’ll make dumb decisions and eat from the one messed up tree. In all of the garden, you’ll be eating the only fruit that aren’t ripe. It will be like you're eating from Simeone's garden... I know you take pride in it. The shriveled up fruit... No. Wear clothes. Wear clothes but be pure. Marry a woman who is pure... Our nation is still mourning the loss of this past year and Mark is worried about getting in an extra round of golf... So, like Adam, make sure you marry well, unlike Marleen who married Rich, and enjoy the correct blessings of the land. Marry somebody you want to pass your Lulav and Etrog to over the Mechitzah. Somebody who well help you decorate a Sukkah normally. Not like Bernie, who thinks it’s decorative to put streamers and pomegranates on a walker. Somebody you’ll want to sing Acheinu with... Rivka's Rundown How the rabbi knew the word geomorphologist, I have no idea. I don't even know shapes. ‘Your kids get no blessings because of ancestry.’ I believe that’s a shot at the parents of the kids in junior congregation. He considers those things a not blessing. The rabbi was also hitting the immigrants to America five generations ago. The Felsenstein family didn’t have it easy. They purchased that home. I think the rabbi should’ve told them that without renovations they won’t be blessed. Without renovations and watering their lawn during the summer. How we can dance on Simchat Torah. It's that joy through tears. A greater sense of the responsibility of Simcha. Happiness as a people is not always easy in our shul. It would bring some happiness if the men in our shul just didn't look so pathetic dancing. Walking around looking depressed. With the arms on each other, it looks like they're just trying to keep their balance. The weird thing in our shul this Simchat Torah is nobody was holding hands. Since COVID they all dance six feet apart. Acheinu had me crying too. I think it’s the sway. The rabbi is right. But why did we stop singing Hatikva. I think Acheinu is the new song of Israel. The new anthem. It's good the feminist population hasn't caught onto the lyrics yet. It's better we don't sing it in English. Some congregants had an issue because Acheinu adds time to Davening. They feel it's more important to have time to golf. They actually expressed their frustration. I didn't think that day would come where their golf was more important than the survival of our nation. It's the same people that are mad there is a Holocaust Remembrance Day. One of them actually suggested a Holocaust themed mini golf course. The biggest worry is that the board didn't mention an end date for Acheinu. If they would've said, 'It will be till the end of February,' the golfers would've been fine with it. They say that they can sometimes get in some good golf in March. And that is more important than the survival of our people. Most of our membership is against Jewish unity. Most people were crying because of how long Davening was. And for three straight days. The naked talk in shul had most of the women's section wanting to run. Thinking of any of their husbands naked brought flashbacks of horror. People have started asking Bernie to not pray for them. Congregants have started standing by him during the prayer for the healing of the sick to make sure he doesn't say 'Amen.' I have a feeling our congregants are vindictive and they pray for bad stuff to happen. The Sukkah decorating was off. Older people decorating had some weird arts and crafts projects popping into the Sukkah. One guy brought his walker to hang in the Sukkah. He called it modern art. I think we have to stick to crayon drawings on paper plates. The rabbi and the board is still appealing. They had a Sukkot appeal. They appeal whenever they have a chance. We went apple picking and there was an Apple Appeal. Any time there is one word, they have an appeal. They had a Kiddish Appeal. We even had a Costco Appeal when the rabbi wanted his own cottage cheese in a five gallon container. We had a Paper Chain Appeal. The shul said they needed money for 'the next generation.' They even called them 'the next generation' as that brings out higher numbers on the appeal card flips. The rabbi got somebody to donate the paper and they still asked for money. Total cost was eight dollars. Total monies brought in during the appeal was four thousand dollars. Total monies of the appeal pledges received, zero. The appeals are getting annoying. I flipped the tab just to get the shul office to send me a letter to pay stuff I won’t. I feel like it at least has them doing something for the dues I paid. I am happy the rabbi clarified what makes people creepy. For me, it’s when an old guy talks to me at Kiddish. They should be able to talk to me at Kiddish. It’s just that they spittle when they talk. It was very romantic. The way she shook the Lulav at him and injured his cornea while smiling was romance. Tags:
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And they paid for those seats. That's what it looks like when you're sitting there for ten hours, realizing you could've just brought a chair for home. The whole of Davening, thinking about how it's not going to be a year of financial well-being. (Photo: sauderworship.com)
You've paid shul dues. Now, they want more for the High Holidays. What do you do? You bring your own chair.
Last time we discussed saving money by sitting in the plastic chair section. Since then, Keter prices have gone up. Now the plastic section is taking money. Rip off. If you have plastic chairs at home, there's no reason to pay for the ones at shul. This is why we're going to talk about chair concepts that you can bring to shul. Bring a Chair from Home Carry it. Any chair is worth it. No matter what the chair or damage caused by you dragging it to shul, you will be saving money. Dining room chairs are suggested. This way you can sit in shul in class. The other congregants will be looking at you creating your own seating area in the aisle, saying, 'That guy is doing well for himself. Business must be picking up.' Bring a Lawn Chair This is a decent way to save money. Again. Use the aisles. Aisles are never taken with seats. Perfect place to pop the chair open. If you're already in the ‘I did not pay my dues’ section, people know to expect very little from you. Why not enjoy the Days of Awe taking in sun from the stained-glass windows. You can also bring those pop-up chairs in the tube bag. Making it easier to carry the chair to shul. What to do with the bag after you pull the chair out. Ask one of the guys who paid for a seat if you can place the bag in his Siddur holder. Worst case scenario, someone will mistake it for a Tallis bag. Big Cushions I would suggest the sports chair cushion, but putting that on top of a pew does not make it your seat. Don't try it. They may send you a bill after Yom Kippur. The same rules of baseball apply to shul. You need to purchase the seat, then you can put down the comfort cushion. If it was Tisha BAv, I would suggest to bring the cushion, making the ground more comfortable, as one should enjoy the mourning experience. Sitting on the floor during the High Holidays looks like you're protesting Gd. Huge cushions do work. You can throw those down anywhere on a floor. A decent poof gives you comfort and height. And you can still take it home with you. Make Your Chair Mobile Don't overlook the fold up chair. You may have to move your chair for people to get by. Other members who pay for the High Holidays can be Nudniks when they're trying to get to their seats. No Midos. You would think that on Rosh Hashana they would work on their character traits and walk around you. Remember. You can always use the aisles. Just be ready to move your chair when they're walking around with the Torah. If you've got a walker, those things double as chairs. They ask, 'Ethel, why didn't you purchase a chair this year?' You let them know you've got one. Inflatable Chairs Intex inflatable couches are a great option, and they're light. Only thirty-five dollars, you'll be able to skip that prayer for a New Year of good Parnasa. You'll already be banking your financial well-being. You will want to show up early, to ensure you blow up your chair before the holiday. The noise the pump machine makes will disturb the Kol Nidrei prayer. Bring a Couch Services are long. Don’t overlook the importance of comfort. You might be poor. Even so, after comparing to the cost they're charging for the holiday seats you'll feel good about how much you spent on the couch for Rosh Hashana. Couches are heavy. If you carry that, people will probably stay away from you and not bother you about payment. They might even give you Hagba. The lifting of the Torah honor enforces respect. A pullout bed is a great perk. The rabbi will be giving a sermon. They Will Try to Get You Even if you bring your own seat, they will find a way to bill you. Bring a Machzor as well. You don't want to get charged for using the High Holiday prayer book. You never know how the shul board is going to react to use of shul property. I once showed to shul without a Machzor. I did the whole of Yom Kippur Davening by heart. Saved $360. Don't let them get you with Yizkor. They'll toy with your emotions and the next thing you know, you've flipped a tab for $1,800. It's important to remember family members who've went to Olam Haba on a budget. And don't shy away from bringing your own plastic chair. I understand the shul offers the plastic chair section. However, why pay for that when you have a stack at home. If your shul offered the option where you paid for the High Holiday chair and you were able to take it home with you, I'd call that a win-win. I would say splurge on that. A pew in the living room is a great way to ensure guests don't stay too long. Remember. If you bring a chair from home nobody will say anything. They will be too uncomfortable to say something. Tags:
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That's what it looks like when the Chazin takes a long time. A lot of not happy looks and prayers to Gd that it will finish. Either that, or it's Kavanah. (Photo: Maurycy Gottlieb - From Jewish Art, edited by Grace Cohen Grossman)
People want to get out of shul. That's why they go to shul. To get out. The only thing in their way is you, the Chazin.
As the Chazin, you're the leader. You dictate the pace of the services. This is why you're to blame. When you think people want to hear you, you're to blame. When you think the congregants enjoy your singing, you're to blame. When you think you've got a new exciting tune, you're to blame. Be you the Chazin or the Baal Tefillah (guy who's leading services), they ask you to lead because they don't want to be hated. And you will be hated if you slow down at any point. Lead fast and skip stuff, and they'll love you. Here are some Tefillahs you should skip, or at least jump to the end of. Tachnun on Mondays and Thursdays Too many paragraphs in this prayer. If you say a sentence from each paragraph, you'll finish at the same time as everyone else. If anybody asks how you did Tachnun so fast, tell them you're Chabad. They have a quicker version, and you sound more religious saying you're Chabad. If you truly want people to love you, propose taking out half of the paragraphs. Do that and you'll see a hike in shul attendance on Mondays and Thursdays. Do that and skip the paragraphs that are left in the Tefillah, and they'll love you even more. They might even offer you some schnapps. How the other people blaming you for praying too fast finished before you is another shul anomaly I can't explain, along with why Max is still telling the same jokes. VYiten Lcha and Anything Said Saturday Night Keeping Jews in shul after Shabbis will have them hating you. Rightfully so. I would also not like you and throw in a word about Gehenim. It's evil to keep shul people after Shabbis. They've been waiting for Shabbis to end so they can finally do stuff. The one thing a Jew loves about Shabbis is when it's over. Some even dance at Havdalah. Some Sefardim look at the Havdalah wine and laugh in joy that the day is finally over. To quote Ahad Ha'am, 'More than the Jews love Shabbat. They love when it's over.' I believe that's the quote. The one prayer to add, which people will appreciate, is a Tefillah that Shabbis is over and they can get out of shul. LSayaim Shabbis vHaDrasha Shel HaRav Kvar vSheHaTelevizia Nidlak. That was a transliteration for the prayer 'I want Shabbat to end already so I can get out of here and not have to listen to the rabbi's sermon anymore.' Or you can just say Havdalah. It's the same prayer. And don't sing Havdalah. They'll hate you for that. This is why many Frum Jews are not fans of Debbie Friedman. See Debbie Friedman's Havdalah when you don't have anything to do for an hour and a half after Shabbat. Brich Shmei This prayer before Torah reading. Don't be the only one to say the whole thing. Nobody understands it. Nor do they understand any of VYiten LCha or Tachnun. Jump to Bei Ana Rachitz, the singing part, where the star for the Chazin to start talking is. Nobody understands that either. But it's a song. The shul membership feels like they're connecting to H' when they sing off tune. Post Ein Kelokaynu after Shabbat Musaf Nobody says those prayers. They skip them. A vindictive member of the community came up with that around thirteen hundred years ago. Everybody thought it was time for Kiddish and he said, 'Nope. There's another prayer. A very long one.' They found extra papers taped into their Siddurs. That's the history I heard. Years later, to make it more painful, they decided to bring up a kid to lead it. Yikum Purkan Just skip it. Any Part of Psukei Dzimra Skip it. The Chazin should just go from paragraph to paragraph. Read the stuff at the end. Where you see the star, read that. Baruch H' LOlam Who says this one? Ashkenazim. They like to make things longer. They feel closer to Gd when they feel more pain. This Tefillah was added to Maariv because people wanted to finish the Maariv service faster. They were scared they'd be stuck in the wilderness for longer in the middle of the night, so they said this prayer instead of the Amidah, to get out of there faster (Rosh Misechet Brachot 1:5). It was the perfect prayer. Finally, one person understood what the community wanted. And now, it adds another who knows how long to Maariv. That's not what the rabbis had in mind. Pain was not the idea of the prayer. Again, if you want people to like you, use the Psukei Dzimra star method. Other Tefillahs to Skip Anything somebody says before Kiddish on Friday night. Skip it. People like to eat almost as much as they like to get out of shul. Any extra psalms. Tehillim. Skip them. Just say, 'We care and we're praying for everybody.' The crowd at shul will applaud you. All of Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana Davening. If you skip all of those Tefillahs, everybody will love you. If you skip everything, they'll love you even more. Go straight for 'VNemer vHaya...' and they'll think they showed up at the end of the 9am service, at 9:01am, and they will hug you. They won't shake your hand. They'll hug you. Nobody cares if you have a bad voice. They want out. There is no Davening more enjoyable than a guy with a bad voice finishing the services quick. And never say anything slow. Somebody will hurt you. If anybody shakes your hand real hard after services, it's because you didn't read the stuff fast enough. Epilogue as heard from Yaakov Fauci This is says it all: A Chasid asked the Gerrer Rebbe, 'Since we skip so many parts in the standard Machzor (High Holidays Siddur) wouldn’t it be better to print a Machzor with only the things we say?' To which the rebbe replied, 'And take away the simcha that a Yid gets when he skips a page of Davening.' Tags:
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That kid will be arguing with everybody that his rebbe is the holiest. How can he not? (by Marcin Gottlieb 1867-1936)
Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe. A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water. You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke. Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.' The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.' You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke. All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.' How Far Can a Rabbi See Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim. Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!' The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?! The Rebbe Who Always Fasted These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win. Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how modest my rebbe is. He's so modest, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.' This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend. NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom. Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.' In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain. Conclusion A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs. My Abba told these jokes better than me. Epilogue We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything. We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is. It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already. Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul. Tags:
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Announcements
Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school. As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal. It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit. We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes... When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie. The question is who sees the sword... Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you... And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima... (Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters... (Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’ Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you. When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals. (22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock. This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten... It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking... The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important... Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast... The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot... Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery. We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that. 'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance. The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse. He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping. Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul. They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board. The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement. When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee. Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president. I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish. They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul. That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent. The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent. The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody. Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me. How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough. Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam. Tags:
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Summer is here and many people have asked me how to get in shape. People want to look good, in the Catskills and I get it. It's summertime and that means it's time to get that Bungalow Body where you look good at the pool in a Tshirt.
I myself have been working on the Shul Body for many years. After hitting the gym, I've finally got my Shul Body down, and I am looking good in the suit. I wear double-breasted. Let me take you through some of the shul lifts and plyometric routines so you too can stay in shape during Musaf too. Hagba Torah Lifts Powerlifting at its core. This is a squat with an extra shoulder press, involving the biceps as well. What you do is take the two Torah poles and lift the Torah. Open more scroll columns for more strain on Jewish muscle. This is also a good way to showoff your strength to all the devout people in shul. It may even get you a Shidduch. To add difficulty to the movement, allow the Gabbai (sexton) to choose a child for Galilah who has no idea how to role the Torah scroll back and cover it. You allow them to choose a child whose arms can’t reach the top of the Torah staves, with no motor skills. This forces you to sit there, balancing the Torah with your forearms for an extra few minutes, adding an unnecessary strain and frustration. Great full body workout, with one goal of the Torah not falling. Kiddish Wrestling This usually happens at what is known as a Hot Kiddish. The post service snack allows for some excellent physical altercation with Fran, by the choolent. Fran might be small at ninety-six, but her low center of gravity at 4'8" makes it hard to move her from the table. The aerobic and strength workout from wrestling Fran for a decent piece of kishka, potato kugel and sponge cake is amazing. The grappling engages the core, along with the whole body. You may walk away from this workout with some battle scars. There is no shame in going up against Fran. Candy Attacking At Bar Mitzvahs when the candies get thrown at the kid, this is a physical competition. Like any sport, you want to have proper equipment and gear. As you are going to have to dive on the floor and tackle some children to get the Sunkist Fruit Gems, you will want some knee pads on your suit pants. Throwing the candy as hard as you can at the Bar Mitzvah boy is also good work for your agility. The Carlebach This is a full-on group dancersize workout. The prayer songs get going and you do a side to side jump, then you mix it up with a circle dance around the shul to the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay.' All dancing should be in hop formation. The singing actually gets your aerobic system working double time. The Baby Cry and Carry This is a great core workout. You lift your baby and run out of the shul. This is also works as a great excuse when you want to get out of the rabbi's sermon. To make this work, you want to make sure your child is crying. If they’re three and up, running around the shul or talking can also be an impetus for a set. The older they are, the more beneficial the movement. I’ve seen some serious shul rats lifting their college kids and running out with them. The amount of cardiovascular and strength work a long sermon can cause is greatly beneficial to those congregants looking to for that Shul Body. There are many other shul workouts known as Helping. But I don't want to chase anybody away from enjoying their exercise. Seeing how much dues are will also work up a sweat. Next time we will education you on other ways to exercise in shul around the holidays with Lulav sparring and Yom Kippur floor bending with your hand on a chair for support, also known as Jewish burpees. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXV7/10/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.
The Shul Wicker Design. They thought the Kiddish basket pattern was proper for the shul... I couldn't take my eyes off it. All of Davening I couldn’t stop thinking about Kichel.
A picture adds ten pounds. Your picture on a birthday cake adds twenty pounds...
The Arab shuk in Yerushalayim... I question this concept of antiquities.
The American shopping cart. I needed that double size cart to put on the extra US requisite weight for living, and to hold the community size bag of chips... Need two toddler seats. Even the kids are twice the size at Costco.
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Why do you trust somebody who says they smell a fire? She nose. You get it? She knows because she smelled the fire. We smell with our nose. She nose! “She knows what she nose.” Some puns you have to read. 
I always wondered why Costco had those chairs out… I could not fit him in the cart.
I do hope I didn’t wake him with my shopping. It’s a Chutzpah that they leave on the lights like that. 
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow. You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
5/20/2025
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