Anybody opening the ark is either an old person, or a heretic who shows up once a year. Or a Tzadik, who dedicates his life to Gd. I'm assuming you're a heretic.
They'll have you opening the ark. That's the best honor you'll get. They see you as a heretic, so they don't trust you with leading in any of the services. Instead, they give you physical labor.
Make sure you know how to do it. Get it down. This is your chance to shine as a heretic. And you don't want to look like a Apikores doing that. So, make it look good.

Know When to Open the Ark
Study up on the Machzor. Being your Hebrew is at a first-grade level, since you stopped learning Hebrew in the eighth grade, this is going to be hard. The Gabai tells you the Tefillah you have and they expect you to be up there opening the Aron on time. The problem here is the Gabai assumes that you care about being Jewish. 
You don't want people exhaling. Loud exhales, the sound of hatred and disappointment, runs deep in disgust for people who can't figure out the Aron timing.
Follow the Machzor. They have English notes to tell you when to go up and open the Aron. Those notes are not what the shul does. The Gabai has the notes for when the shul expects you to open the ark. He won't tell you that. So, follow the Machzor. It will give you an idea of when people will be breathing out in anger. If you get a "Nu," you might as well take off your Tallis, fold it, and leave. You failed everybody.
Learn Hebrew or have a guy head nodding you when to open and close the ark.
Hope you don't get Aleiynu. The Gabai tells you "Aleiynu," you're opening and closing the thing multiple times. It's too complicated. Turn in the Tallis if you get Aleiynu. I closed off a friendship after last Yom Kippur, having to coach and "Nu" the guy when to open and close the Aron. I ended up with a crick in my neck till after Sukkot.
Don't worry, you won't get Neilah. They only give that to important people.

Know What Stuff Means
Aron is the ark. It's not an Israeli pronunciation of your friend Aaron. 
The Gabai is the one in the shul who has an official position and no degree of which to speak. The one telling everybody what to do, who was not hired.
Machzor is the thing in your hand. It's a Siddur for the High Holidays. It's called a Machzor because somebody decided to call it that.
Kol Nidrei, Maariv, Shacharit, Musaf, Neilah. These are the prayer services, known as Tefillah, Davening, and stuff that takes a lot longer on the High Holidays. There is Mincha. There is no chance you will be there for that, so don't worry.
Then you have Layning. That's Torah reading. They may ask you to come up to make the blessing. Known as the Bracha, pray they have transliteration up there.
Maybe take a class on being a Jew. Maybe suffer through some sermons during the year. Better yet, sit next to somebody who has anger issues, so you don't mess up anything. 
An Apikores is a heretic. Thought you should know that one.
"Nu" means yes, no, I'm happy, I'm extremely mad, do what you want, we might as well do it, I like the babka, and open the ark already you heretic.

Study the Curtain Pullers Before You
Somebody will make a mistake. They make it impossible to open Aron easily. They want you to feel like an idiot.
Make sure you're pulling the correct string. You pull the wrong side of that rope too fast, you look like an idiot, and people will breathe. You don't want people breathing. Any exhaling in shul means you let them down and Gd.
Start with a soft pull. You get that pull right, start tugging.
And be sure you're strong enough. If they haven't pulled the outside curtain yet, you're pulling a theater drape. They have that rope pulling stuff at Planet Fitness. Train for Yom Kippur there.
Please note, "Curtain Pullers" is not a slur.

Know What to Do
After you pull the correct string, you may have to open the wood part. The goal is to get to the Torah. It's not to get to a closet. People aren't showing up to shul to be awestruck by the carpentry. I must admit, some of these arks are nicer than what the guy did with the renovations in my bedroom.  
If the wood part is already open, you're good to go. You can thank the Gabai for doing something right.
I can't tell you how many times we've been waiting for the ark to get open. The Curtain Puller opens the curtain and stands there like he achieved a momentous goal. Nothing is happening other than fifteen "Nu"s from the congregation. Finally, somebody yells out, "Open the ark." And then somebody breathes. The idiot finally realizes it's not open. Then, he opens the ark and yells, "I opened it," during the part of Davening the Machzor says to not talk.
Lesson is to never trust a Gabai.

In Israel They Lock Up the Torahs
Be ready if you're in Israel. They lock all of the arks, and they give you the honor of opening the ark. If you're not a locksmith, you look like an idiot. If you're a felon, that can also help with breaking into the Aron.
If you're the Gabbai, remember to bring the key. If you take the role of Gabai on, make sure to talk to everybody in shul, and then to shush the people you are not talking to. Otherwise, they will realize you are not Frum, and you have no idea when to open the ark. And remember to bring the key. I feel bad breathing and Nuing at people who don't know how to break in and steal our Torah.
You wonder why there are so many Torahs in Israel. All the religious people breaking into the Arons every Shabbat to read the Torah. The shul boards saw this, and they decided, we have to stop these people. So, they locked the arks.

The Aron Walkaway
This is the climax of the Aron opening production. It's your time to shine.
Shake the rabbi's hand. Shut the curtain first, you idiot. You shut the curtain and then shake the rabbi's hand and whomever else is on the Bima. It's tradition to walk over to the rabbi, and interrupt his Davening.
On your way to your seat, hit each row, with handshakes. Give a wave to the back of the shul. You're the star. Let it be known. If you don't do that, the Chazin will get all the credit.
You walk away right, all else is forgiven. People will be talking. "That guy who couldn't figure out how to open a curtain. That's class. That’s a classy Apikores." 

This information should help you look like a knowledgeable heretic. And remember, people breathing in shul is a bad thing.
Maybe next year, if you work out, they'll trust you with Hagba. It's more manual labor they make people do during the High Holidays.

The Shul Tehillim group will take place this Thursday. We will continue the reading in Hebrew. We don’t believe the understanding of words will help our members. Prayer is better from you in a language you don’t know. H’ would rather not hear your real thoughts.

We’re having another fundraiser dinner this week to honor.
Last year's annual dinner, the Schwartzs were offended. Only eight people came. We know people don’t like the shul, but to also not like Bernard and Henny Schwartz is something we didn’t foresee.
This week’s Shalishudis is in memory.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Stop Talking in the Back Left of the Shul. An act of kindness by keeping your mouths shut.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Chaya Understanding Davening Will Help Nobody & Other Problems She Has with the Shul Air-Conditioning System. The Chiyuv to Honor and Remember So the Shul and the Day School Can Make Money- Why we Need the Names and Other Reasons Nobody Donates to Our Shul. The Reason Nobody Likes the Men in the Back Left and Why Their Wives Send Them to Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul needs better aircon. We've been using the heating this summer, to cool down the sanctuary. It's like my nephew's car. It's like hanging in my uncle's house, who's trying to save money. It's like sitting in an old age home with a working air-conditioner.

What is the Tehillim group? It's a group of women who are planning to say Tehillim one day. But they do get together. And that is important itself.

Nobody understands a word they are saying. And that is what we call Davening. Some of the members don't even know what that word means. And those people are called heretics. They sometimes even pray in English, because that's what Apikorsim do. They try to understand what they're saying.
The rabbi has to speak out more against this people saying their prayers in a language they understand. We are now a shul with a good reputation of being Frum, because not one person understands what's going on.
The real thoughts of the membership is complaints. If they were to have Tehillim their way, they would be complaining to Gd about dues. Something about Kind David not having to pay membership fees and Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. Shacharit would be, "We hope Samantha doesn't make that egg salad again. Please make sure it's not Samantha's egg salad."
Chaya would be forgetting anything about Jerusalem, asking Gd for better air-conditioning. And that would be her only prayer for the people. "Can we get an aircon unit that hits the right front of the ladies' section."
 
“To honor.” That’s where it stopped. That is what the fundraiser is honoring. Honor.
No name. Just to honor. The board has taken into account the hurt of the Schwartz dinner. It will forever be known as the Schwartz dinner. The shul doesn't want to have anything to do with it. They want the synagogue name wiped from it. They had that annual dinner in the rabbi's backyard, at a picnic table. They don't want to hurt anybody, so now, all dinners are just "in honor."

The “in memory” for Shalishudis did not make sense. So, the third Shabbat meal is in memory of somebody. No idea who. That has nothing to do with offending anybody. They just forgot. I'm beginning to think, the board just forgot who they were honoring. They just left it "honor," and they're hoping somebody fesses. 
If people in our shul would stop forgetting stuff, that would be a miracle. The shul is like a memory care congregation.

I don't understand the honoring thing. And it's not even a Tefillah. It's not a prayer, I should understand. The tradition is to honor people for something. Never know what it is. It's a fundraiser dinner I have to go. That's what it is. Whatever the reason, you have to go.
Now I have to show to honor people and lose another $300?! Like going broke on Bar Mitzvahs isn’t enough?!
If you don't show up to a fundraiser, you're either against the shul or the family. Last year it was tough to tell, as people really hate the Schwartzs. The shul made a mistake honoring them. They thought that since everybody knows them, and talks about them, they should be honored. They didn't take into account that they're all talking about how much they can't stand them. 
We should have a dinner where nobody speaks Lashon Hara. A once-a-year dinner where nobody talks bad about these people.

Now, I hate organizations and people. And this past year, we've been able to pay off some of our mortgage.
I have no friends now on purpose, and I hate the shul. The shul knows it. I told the shul office I hate them, and they said, "You're a member."
 
Did they have to announce that nobody likes the Schwartzs. Some things are better not said. Now we all have to show up to their next dinner. I pray nobody honors these people again. That's my prayer when I go to shul. That's what I ask Gd for when I pray in a language I understand.
 
I can tell you that the shul lost money not mentioning names. You need the names to pull money from people. Nobody showed up to the Schwartz dinner, but they gave donations. No way out of that. The general donation given was a in honor of “I can’t stand the Schwartzs.” That's what the members wrote on their dedications for the donation. And the Chiyuv was fulfilled. And you didn’t have to spend a night at dinner with them. 
Why they read each donation at the dinner in the rabbi's backyard is messed up.

And the back left of the shul will not stop talking about how much they can't stand them. Mr. Schwartz has moved to the front of the shul. He still doesn't Daven. Yet, as he said, "I feel more comfortable where people can't talk." Since then, Mr. Schwartz has been the greatest advocate for no talking during Davening. Before that, the guy couldn't shut up. Can't stand him.
Nowhere in the Torah does it say that when you come into The Land that you should not take the Schwartzs with you.
And that is Lashon Hara about the Schwartzs.

With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, it's time to look at ourselves and to take an accounting. As such, it's important we focus on others and how they can improve. Many people out there are very annoying. There a lot of people I can't stand.
Here are character traits I've noticed at shul that we have to get rid of. And it seems a lot of people have them.

People who don't say hi. They know me. We Daven together every day. I think they notice me. They must. When I pass them, they seem angrier.
People who say hi in French. What are they trying to prove.
People who say Shabbat Shalom when I say "Good Shabbis." 
People who say Good Shabbis when I say "Shabbat Shalom."
People who say Guten Shabbis. I already said "Good Shabbis." Why are you correcting my Yiddish?! Are there grammatical mistakes in Yiddish?! If I don't read The Forward, are there grammatical mistakes?! In the Satmar community, are they worried about grammar?!
People who say Forvard, that were born in America.

People who correct me, and are not telling me I'm a bad Jew. I'm fine hearing I'm a bad Jew. I need Musar. If you say hi, you can tell me I'm a bad Jew.
Somebody didn't say hi to me the other day and I don't know if I'm going to get over it.
People who smell bad.
People who take off their shoes. This isn't the Temple. Your kid just threw a lollipop and I stepped on it.
People I don't want to say hi to.

People who don't hold the door open. Where are you rushing to? If you're going to shul, you're not running to the sanctuary. If you're a member of my shul, you're not in good enough shape to run.
People who don't say thank you. 
People who I hold the door for who don't say thank you. Every kid in the shul. The not appreciative pieces of Gehenim.
Their parents. By the way, where are they. 
Anybody who's entitled. And I don't think we should give the executive director another raise.
Anybody who is not appreciative. And I'm not talking about Chanukah Gelt. That's not actually money. I just learned about that.
People who don't give a thank you nod. I like thank you nods. I feel they're more universal for those who can't hear. Which is everybody in my shul during Torah reading. All talking very loud. I'll explain. I like people who explain. That takes away the guessing. When they explain, it's clear they don't like me.

People who are too religious. People who are heretics. Anybody who doesn't Daven the way I like.
People who argue with me when I give a Dvar Torah. I know I have no idea what I'm talking about. You can be fine with it too.
People who feel a need to push the idea they have that there's no Gd. And what are they doing in shul?! This is why we have to start charging for potato kugel. People like it. And some of those people don't say Brachas. 
People who ask me for forgiveness and then tell me what they did. That didn't help the relationship.

People who walk in the back of the sanctuary. Get your steps in at home. If you think you’re getting into shape at shul, look around at the congregants. Nobody is in shape at our shul.
People who walk backwards from the ark. And you wonder how people get injured.
Snobby people. How snobby can you be when you're a Frum Jew wearing a white shirt?! The cool cats that have five friends who consider each other cool. Again. You're wearing a white shirt! If not, you're wearing a shirt with colors on it, to stand out. Which means you've went out of your way to be cool, and you're going to Gehenim. Point is, if you're wearing a shirt, you're not cool and you should be accepting of everybody. Point is, don't be an --- ----.

People who don't smile. I know you're not happy. Smile. I'm not happy to have to see you either.
I get it. It's shul. You have to see these people too. Got to put on that smug face, make Davening and life worse. ​Welcome to shul. Where angry people come to pray together, as a community, before Gd.
People who learn too much. They then think it's a good idea for you to learn too.
Kids. How did these guys make it into the community. Kids is a character trait. Also known as people who don't clean up after themselves.
People who don't help. Those are people known as members.
People who take helping too seriously. They scare other people.

People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
People who come in and just sit. You've been coming to shul for eighteen years. You've seen Maurice sitting there for eighteen years. Would you not think that seat is Maurice's. I see a kid winning at musical chairs. I kick them out. Let them know they're inconsiderate. The wayward child.
Any youth director who thinks musical chairs is a fun game. They’re a Rasha.
People who don't say anything to the guy sitting in Maurice's chair.
People who don't say anything when people smell bad. That leads to Lashon Hara.
And then, I'm considered rude for saying something.
People who don't speak Lashon Hara. Ruining every conversation. Keep your not speaking Lashon Hara to yourself. Or don't come to Kiddish.

​The ignoring people. You see me. I see you. The guy didn't say hi to me. I will not let it go.
People who ignore you and then they expect you to want to talk to them. Why? Because a cool guy in a white shirt is talking to you.
People who sit in Maurice's chair. That's Maurice's chair.
Mrs. Feldblum's hat. That's a character trait.

People who take too long with their Davening. They're making you wait. It doesn't take that long to say Shema, if you don't understand it.
People who don't go to the Kiddish table and take as much as they can. They're snobs. Do they think they're better than everybody else, not getting violent.
It's good to get it out.
Not friendly people. Again, we are all religious Jews. If you think you're cool because your Kippah looks like it's about to slide off the side of your head, now do you understand.
People who talk about others. There's a reason. I can't stand them either. This should be allowed.

People who don't visit the elderly. Are you expecting Ethel and Merv to wheelchair themselves out of the nursing home to wish you a Shana Tova?! Ehtel and Merv who bought the shul.
None appreciative pieces of Gehenim. I think I said that. I hope you appreciate my helping you get it out before Yom Kippur.
People who make a turn and don't signal. There is no place in the community of Gd for them.
People who cut off Maurice. 
I am mad on behalf of Maurice.
There are so many more people I can’t stand. If the board would just kick these people out, we would finally witness the redemption.

Truth is, we need these people. Without these annoying people, we wouldn’t have community. We would have nice people who get along. And that’s not a congregation.
Redemption would ruin our membership. I would come to shul, having to see people smiling at me, thanking me for holding the door for them, while they wheel in Ethel for a Yom Kippur Davening that's over in an hour and a half. It wouldn't be shul.
 
Note from me: This statement here is my "Hineni" prayer. It is my pleasure to share it with you, as I lead my flock this High Holiday season. It's my Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev prayer on behalf of my congregation.

Tircha DTzibur- a) A bother to the congregation, such as Bernie talking during Kiddish. Any joke he tells you, as he is repeating it again. b) Anybody leading Davening with Kavanah. Sentence: ‘What is this guy doing? We are trying to get out of here and he is pronouncing each word. That is not why we come to Shul.’

Chason/Chatan- A man whose family members tell him, after the wedding, that his life will change. Sentence: ‘Now your decisions aren’t yours.’ Said by his uncle, to remind him that his uncle made a bad decision and he regrets it. Another Sentence: ‘Just remember these words: “I am sorry.”’ Response: A required laugh, from everybody who already heard Uncle Tivi say this at every Sheva Brachot. Response from the Chatan: ‘Why did nobody mention this until now?! Would you not think this is something you would have brought up before the wedding?!’ See Uncle Tivi for a guy who is not happily married.
 
Kallah- Somebody you have to say is pretty. Sentence Causing Discomfort for All: ‘I know this may sound awkward, because the man you are getting married to today is my best friend. However, it is my Halachik duty to tell you that you’re really hot.’ Another Awkward Sentence: ‘Don’t tell Chaim I think you are a 10. Go, walk down that aisle. We are all checking you out.’ Followed by a catcall and cheers, to fulfill the Mitzvah of making the Chatan and Kallah happy.

Baseball Hat- What religious Jews wear to hide the fact they’re Jewish. Sentence: ‘I couldn’t tell if he’s Jewish. He had a beard, baseball hat and a suit.’ Sentence from Trucker: ‘He’s got a beard and a hat. I think he’s a biker with a minivan. Never seen a biker traveling with his wife and family. His wife is also a biker. She’s wearing a bandana. The most extravagant bandana I’ve ever seen... The kids are little bikers. They are too young, but they are trying to grow beards. Growing out their side-curls... Wait. They just went into McDonald’s. Didn’t buy anything. Just using the bathroom. They’re Jewish.’

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of how people should pray without any thought, so it can go faster for him at shul. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we know not to invite David to our child's wedding.
Thank Gd, David is not an anti-Semite. 

Don’t miss the wine tasting event this Tuesday. Wait to drink till you get there to start drinking, Michel.
Note: This is a tasting. Not a drinking. We know the men in the back left can’t taste alcohol anymore, after chugging whiskey every Shabbis morning and scaring the families.
 
Nobody has to give Menucha and Brian a wedding gift. Their parents have given pathetic gifts to Baalei Simcha throughout the years. They’ve actually given gifts and not money. Their families have given washing cups. We've witnessed it. They don't deserve a gift.
Rabbi’s Note: For people you like, $600 is a proper gift. When at a wedding, don’t think about your mortgage. While eating chicken fingers, think of how you can help with their payments.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Hashavas Aveida. A chance to fulfill the Mitzvh of returning a lost object. We have a lost child because the Schwatzbergs don’t watch their children.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Drink in Shul Like You're Part of a Fraternity- With Michel and the Boys. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Wedding Gifts. How to Not Watch Your Children- An Art Mastered By Our Congregants & A Scavenger Hunt to Find Effy Schwartzberg. Irresponsible parenting in Halacha and in Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
A wine tasting. Do we need more people getting drunk in this place. We have a whiskey tasting every Shabbis morning. No professional is needed for these guys to get drunk.
I have no idea how many times people need to taste Jack Daniels before they realize they like it.
 
These guys come to shul get all rowdy. How many times do I have to hear a fifty-year-old guy scream "Wooh," when I'm picking up our kids from groups?! It's the weirdest thing. They're Layning in shul, and these guys are drinking away their hangover from Friday night. Where do they drink? Outside of the Kinder Service, where the four-year-old is playing Shabbis Abba. And now we have nursery school kids drinking single malt, because they want to do Abba Shel Shabbat correctly.
And now wine tasting. I feel like our shul promotes alcoholism. These guys are crazy. How they're trusted with their kids on Shabbis morning. There should be no drinking and pushing strollers laws. The way they park those things right outside the entrance of the shul, there has to be a drunk idiot saying, "That looks like a good spot for the carriage."
The only positive is that Michel and his buddies don't Daven. They stay out of the sanctuary. The rabbi appreciates not having to see them. Which is why he supports the drinking. I believe the rabbi said, "Drinking in the sanctuary is wrong." That got a lot of people mad. Especially when they were told to not flip over their shot glasses on the Shulchan.
So, I shall not be going to the wine tasting.
We need an orange juice tasting. That sounds more like a shul event. 

Giving gifts is pathetic. If it's not money, you're hiding something. You know they're cheap when they give the gift. Found it on sale. We know.
You have to give something. If you're giving proper gifts, money, you're going broke. We had forty weddings this year. $300 a wedding. We have to take out loans to be a friend. And the problem is, my husband likes being "a friend." He's an idiot.
It’s an Aveira to enjoy a Simcha. You have to go home feeling like you got shafted by a mechanic. $300 in debt.

You give what they give. That's the rule. And I write it down. You're not getting more than you gave us. 
Personally, I like the pathetic gifts. They give me a washing cup, I give them a pencil. I don't want them giving us $500 gifts. Next thing you know, we're stuck having to give them $500 plus inflation. Me and my husband are arguing as to whether we can afford to go to the baby naming. 
That's another thing, they give you $500 for a wedding, and now they want it for the baby naming. We need a gift valuation list.

If you’re the first one giving the gift, set the bar low. Let them think you're bad gift givers. If you're lucky, they won't invite you.
Rules are the gift has to be the same.  If you gave $300 and they give $50. Never invite them to another Simcha. You don’t need friends that are going to enjoy your Simchas.
If you want to throw them off, go passive-aggressive and give more, to let them know they have no class.
You mirror what they do. If they don’t come to your Simcha, you don’t have to go to theirs. And that is the foundation of a beautiful friendship.

Our congregation is so cheap. Thanks to the announcements, nobody thinks they are loved by anybody in the shul. They all give cheap gifts. And this is a good thing. With all the drunk dads running around, we don't want people thinking they're liked.
Since the rabbi's $600 suggested gift for people you like, our members have only been going to Simchas of people they can't stand. And they've been giving gifts. Not money. To quote Herm, "I've never enjoyed weddings like Shloimi and Edith's child's marriage. Those Yutzs, they should go to Gehenim." 

The Schwartzberg child was truly lost. Turns out Effy Schwartzberg's father drinks a lot. And his parents even showed up to the wine tasting. Before Effy was found.
In the end, Effy was found in the Kinder candy cabinet. The sour sticks have not been found since.

Tolerance is the issue. The board discussed it. We realize our shul has too much tolerance. This is why Davening is long, Melvin still tells his jokes, and people with no personality join the board. 
There will be a board meeting this week to discuss if the shul should tolerate members. Members are very annoying.

Due to Aliyah Card success and our rabbi’s new Keebud Honors Card business, we’ve opened up the cards to many new shul Kavods and requirements. New cards include: “Have to Give a Kiddish Cards” which will be given to the Felzowitz Mishpuchi who have never sponsored Kiddish. The Felzowitz family who eats at every Kiddish like they’re not going to find lunch. “Please shut your mouth” for the congregants in the back left. And “Please Do Not Come to Shul. I believe we already have a Minyin” to keep Bernie out.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re looking for people to smile so I won’t want to shoot myself when I see congregants. To quote the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Tolerance & How That Leads to Members with Ideas. When Telling People to Shut Their Mouths with a Card That Says to "Shut Up" Doesn't Keep Them from Talking During Your Sermon- The Art of Speaking to People You Want to Hurt. Kiddish Sponsorship and How Much the Felzowitz Family Eats for Free. Smiling and How People Might Not Hate You- The Art of Not Being a Jerk in Halacha.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
I’m all for less tolerance. I don't need to hear about Melvin's mother-in-law anymore. He keeps on telling me how he enjoys taking her to the airport. How that's his favorite part of her trips. I'm beginning to think he truly doesn't like her. Either that, or he likes to repeat his jokes. He also said something about being successful to not please his wife, but to spite his mother-in-law.
This tolerance thing is setting us back a few years in the development of America. Whatever happened to freedom to hate? I can't say I hate people anymore, unless if it's Caitlin Clark. I have to tolerate people Chuching and coughing up phlegm in shul now. It's not fine to say, "You're disgusting. Get out of here, you heretic." It's just very annoying. I have to accept the other congregants.
The board meetings are painful now too. The president gave a speech on tolerance, and how we have to accept other people. The whole time, I wanted to tell her to shut up. The speech took an hour. Nobody could interrupt her. That would've been intolerant. Turns out intolerance of stupidity is also not allowed.
 
Due to all the new honor cards, everybody in our shul now gets honored. Samantha was honored with the biggest hat. She got a card for that. Pinny was honored with "The Oldest Single Guy Who Has Never Been Married." He also got a card to remind him he doesn't wear a Tallit. I feel like the cards are now turning into a way to mock people. And it adds a level of mockingness when the cards read “Honored With.” “Honored with The Oldest Guy Who Has Never Been Married. Honored with Loneliness.”
Paul got a card that read "The Guy with the Mustache People Comment On." Paul didn't even know everybody was talking about it. Though, it's ugly as sin.
The people who didn’t give a Kiddish in honor of their sons Bar Mitzvah. That was a card. “Honored with Being Cheap.” They got a card and a bill.
“Not Athletic.” Gave that card to Pinny. Pinny is now not athletic and very single.
 
The rabbi also started pulling in tons of money when he realized that they need English on the cards too. Doubled the business. Hebrew and English cards. He's branching out to Spanish and Portuguese.

At the board meeting about tolerance, nothing about ethnicity or race was brought up. Everybody already agrees we shouldn't tolerate others. It was however decided that we have to tolerate members. Otherwise, we will have no use for the Aliyah Cards. Even so, all agreed that members are very annoying and should be hated. All who agreed are members of the shul.

Not one smile. The rabbi's class on smiling didn't work. Even with their smiles, I still hated all the people who showed up. Maybe it's their smiles. Even when they smile it makes me mad. When our congregants smile, it's like watching a bunch of villains. Their eyes open wide and it looks like they want to kill me. But I have to tolerate that. If they pay dues, I have to tolerate.

We want to wish the Fishbaums a Mazel Tov on their daughter’s wedding. If you weren’t invited, they don’t like you. This announcement has been sponsored by the Fishbaum Mishpacha.
 
Our Gabai finally got Aliyah cards, to remind people they are being called up to the Torah. After years of people forgetting their Aliyahs, we have cards. We thank the Aliyah Committee for purchasing solid wood signs. Years ago, we had paper ones. Those got stuck in Chayim Shlomo’s pockets. We know. The cleaners returned them to the shul. The Keebud honor handouts have come a long way. It’s an industry now. Used to be paper. Now it’s thick plastic, wood, metal. Somebody is making a killing.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Buy a gift for the Chatan and Kallah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why People Don’t Invite Members of Our Shul to Weddings- How Our Membership Doesn’t Tip or Give Gifts. Why It's Not the Shul's Responsibility to Remind You About Your Appointments and Other Reasons We Will Not Make Laminated Cards for Every Part of Your LIfe. Is It Halachaikly Allowed to Give a Gift If You Weren't Invited to the Wedding- How to Rub Your Anger in People's Faces. 
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Nobody from our shul was invited to the wedding. The Fishbaums don’t like anybody in our shul. It turns out they paid for the announcement in the Shabbat handout. They wanted people to know they are not liked.

Our members aren't invited to weddings, and they're not invited back to restaurants.
Our membership doesn't give decent gifts, and they tip real bad too. It has something to do with their idea of Tzedakah. They figure, "I don't tithe my money to charity, I won't give eighteen percent here." I believe that carries over to dues as well. They took that Rashi (Devarim 15:10) earlier in the Parsha about saying you'll give Tzedakah as being the same as giving it. They've become accustomed to saying they'll give. They will pledge tons.
I saw some of our members leave Shloimi's Kishka Joint saying "thank you." Real appreciative. No tip. The waitstaff wasn't appreciative. Amazing how appreciation only goes one way with our membership. Like our rabbi, he's not appreciative of our congregation. Maybe the raise idea of them saying they'll give him a raise and never doing it.
Personally, I'm with the membership of our shul. Whatever happened to kind human interaction?! Why does money have to be involved in kindness?! And I am not wanted back at Shloimi's Kishka Joint either. Why you call a classy place where tips are expected a Kishka Joint, that is the real question I have.
 
The Gabai finally got the cards. It’s been years of waking up people shocked they had an Aliyah. People not remembering they had an Aliyah to the Torah. Knocking on bathroom stall doors. Yelling, “You couldn’t wait till Revi’i?!... Well, the Gabai and the congregation are waiting for you. Ben Nachman Moshe? Correct?... We’re all waiting…”
Our members have a very short-term memory. Even the wood cards don’t work sometimes. We need big plaques. Poster size plaques. Stuff that’s too heavy to carry out of the sanctuary. Something to keep them in their seats.
Some of our members forget they have the signs. We need Aliyah security guards. Guys that stand by Shelishi and Revi’i. Make sure they don’t leave the shul till after their Aliyahs. Force people to hold it in.
 
And it’s an Aliyah Committee. We have a committee for everything. You don’t purchase the names of Keebuding without a group decision. You have honor cards made, you make sure there's a majority decision.
 
The big talk at Kiddish was how much people are making on these Keebud plaques, and who the Fishbaums hate the most.
After noticing the lucrative business Torah handouts are, the rabbi started an Aliyah card making business. He even expanded it to Musaf, just in case the guy that is getting married, who has Maftir forgets, his wedding is coming up. Opened up the Aliyah card market with that.
 
If the shul membership gave gifts, the Fishbaums would invite all the people. Which means everybody they don’t like would show up.
Not giving gifts is a Mitzvah. As is not tipping. If we tipped, Shloimi would want us back eating Kishka. They didn't want us back at the baseball game either. To quote the guy at the stand, "There's a limit to refills."
Going anywhere with our congregants is a Chilul H’. Being seen with Bernie is defaming Gd's.
Our congregants call it antisemitism. And our shul is full of a bunch of anti-Semites. The board, anti-Semites. The youth taking all the candy at the Ufruf, anti-Semites. The office even called, expecting me to pay my pledge, because they're a bunch of anti-Semites. And they don't learn Rashi.

I don’t think the Fishbaums got a Mazel Tov from anybody in the shul. And they were happy about that.
I'm happy I didn't have to buy the Fishbaums a wedding gift. That's how I see it. If you don't wish a Mazel Tov you don't have to give a gift. You acknowledge they had a Simcha, now you're going broke on new dishes you're never going to use.

Being that the new made Aliyah cards were such a hit, the congregation was insisting that the shul board and office take it on themselves to make cards for their personal daily chores. The rabbi gave a class on why the shul shouldn't be expected to make cards to remind them to take the trash out of their homes. Nobody showed to that class, because cards weren't made to remind people about it.

This month we learned about Tisha BAv, Shema and marrying people you don't think are hideous, which has caused the Shidduch industry to take a big hit. Let's learn a Bissel Torah.

It’s our tradition to read Megilat Eicha on the night of a Tisha BAv in the dark, with flashlights, because that draws the flies to you.
 
(Kiddushun 41a) You have to see a woman before marrying her. Bothersome as it is, you’ll probably have to see her after you’re married too.
Rav Yehuda says Rav says it’s forbidden to betroth a woman until seeing her because he might see something repulsive. Some girls have the big skirt buckles. Some guys are repulsed by those. If he becomes repulsed, he may end up violating the Mitzvah of loving your neighbor as yourself (Vayikra 19:18). This doesn’t mean you should be checking out your neighbor’s wife. There is no Mitzvah to love your neighbor’s wife. Just your neighbor. A little misreading can lead to a lot of problems in the community.
And this is why commentary is important.

(Berachos 12b) We should have added Bilam’s Bracha of the Jews to the Shema. We don’t add it because of Tircha DTzibur. It’s a bother to the congregation, as it would take a long time. Instead, we wait half an hour for people to finish the Shema prayer.
It speaks of H’ guarding us, so we have the serenity of a lion and lioness (Rashi- Bamidbar 24:9). Even this explanation is getting long. I’m going to stop that here. And I’m going to say Shema faster. You know what else is a Tircha DTzibur. When somebody enunciates the words of their Davening.
For some reason, the Gemara says nothing about making everybody wait half hour, while staring at you, trying to figure out why he's making us all wait. Nothing was said about the rabbi's job being to make people wait a very long time, so that they can become very frustrated. No Mitzvah of causing everybody to be extremely frustrated and to not want to show up to Minyin was mentioned.

(Nidda 30b) Before birth you learn all of Torah. And then an angel comes hits you on your mouth, and you forget it. This teaching is there to comfort us, knowing how easily we forget stuff. We also learn from this that angels have a very violent temper. We learn much from this teaching, and then we forget it. 
And this is why I was never good at Judaic studies. The angel.

​What We Learned from Rabbi David: Mourning is best done with a flashlight, as flies cause us to think about the Destruction of the Temples. Don't marry ugly people, because you can't love them. Kavanah, focus on Gd during Davening, is bad. And you should blame everything on angels. Not Jews. And we all now feel like worse people.

I’m still thinking about that long Davening a couple weeks ago. Nightmares.
We have to implement the shul rules for faster Davening and services. The board won’t help physically throw people out who are properly focusing on their Amidah prayer. They’ll probably set up a committee. And that means meetings will also take longer.
How do you implement the rules, and keep people from enunciating the words of their prayers. How do you ensure we can get out of shul faster, without repeating the beginning of Adon Olam every other sentence. You must present it to your congregation. In front of all members. Let them know why the slow Davening is painful and why it doesn't work, and then enforce a prayer security team who can hurt people that sing.
I shall share notes for the argument you will have to bring, to persuade your community to enact the rules of not doing any Mishebeyrachs for family members who are not about to die. If your community doesn't support the faster Davening, leave and start a breakaway Minyin. 

Notes On Why Long Davening Doesn't Work
Here are the reasons long Minyins don’t work out. Stuff you can share with your fellow congregants, to start the revolution.
I can't concentrate for more than five minutes. And that includes putting on Teffilin.
I have stuff to do. I have to get to work. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Are we not supposed to encourage people to get jobs?!! There is a reason everybody at our Minyin is retired. By the time Davening is over, they got fired. By the time the Baal Tefillah finishes his Amidah, in which he for some reason feels he has to focus proper prayer attention to, they hired somebody who can show up.
I heard people drink coffee. What about coffee. Does H' not want us drinking coffee before work?!
I ​want to shoot the Chazin. Call it wrong. There is a desire there. A real Kavanah.
​The pain of waiting for this guy. It builds up the dislike. Sinat Chinam.
I don't like suffering as much as the other people in our shul. It’s got to stop. How much do these people like Yom Kippur.
An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz repetition of the Amidah during the week?!! Is anybody for this?!!! It's out of control. These people are in Shabbis mode all week. They have to get a job. And then the board wants to know why they didn't pay their dues.
This long Davening is keeping people from coming to shul. I'm supporting conversation here. People come to shul to converse with their friends.
Nobody comes to shul to Daven. They come to see their friends and hang out. Why the president makes that "no talking during services" announcement, still baffles me. It's like he's trying to chase away members.
Kavana is killing Judaism, and it is the cause of Sinat Chinam. Focusing on prayer should not be allowed in any synagogue. It's right after Tisha BAv, and this is what people do. 
Am I supposed to bring a newspaper to shul. Tell me what to do. Am I supposed to bring my laptop and make business calls. Because that's how long Davening is taking.
You empower these people and they never finish the Shema.
People can slow this down themselves. They can stay late. That makes sense. Sorry for bringing that idea up.
Do they meditate on each word? If that's the case, they're Buddhists. We can't have that kind of idol worshipping going on in our shul. It causes for services to take too long. 
If you are meditating it should take three hours.
Just the long Shema is enough to want to hurt people. Do you know that half of our community recently purchased guns. I don't know if it's because of antisemitism or the Chazin. I don't.
Getting back at people is wrong. I don't know who wronged these Baal Tefillahs and Chazins. Who wronged them?! Who are they getting back at?! Maybe we have to get to the root of the problem. It's the Gabai.
Not one person is smiling. They're all mad. That might just be the result of being in shul. Even so, Davening should not take long.
It’s called a Tircha DTzibur. That’s the word of the day. A bother to the congregation. Like Bernie and Max. Annoying. Rambam (Hilchot Tefillah 12:23- Rambam) teaches that even rolling a Torah is wrong. And so is smoking it. Asur. 

If I was able to sleep, fine. The pews are not comfortable, and I can't get a good nap on. The one time I did fall asleep on a pew, Bernie woke me and said that was his Makom. It was his seat. I had to get up. And I understand. When you have to spend five hours in shul, because a fool thinks it's a good idea to have Kavanah, you need a comfortable seat.
I believe you all understand the importance of a fast Minyin now. If you get any pushback from anybody, revoke their membership, kick them out of the religion. There is no place for these people and Kavanah.
 
Note from the Shul Board About Violence
I will end with this. As it turns out, violence is not appreciated. Here is the note:
It's not acceptable to choke the guy who asks the Gabai to say an extra Bracha for their family. Even if Aliyah Mishebeyrachs are annoying and cause for revolt.
Rivka from Sermons of Rebuke told us that some people have taken my Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yell in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.” It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad spat on Mr. Goldberg.
An aggressive “I hate you” should be reserved for the Chazin, Gabai and the guy who asking for us to bless his family.
Since the rabbi's new rules there has been a lot reports of violence in our shul.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows, because it took too long to bring out the choolante. Again, the problem being people being in shul too long.
Some jumped on the Bima last week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."
We also want to make it clear that shooting the Chazin is not allowed. Our security team frowns on that.

Davening longer than twenty-five minutes isn't allowed anymore. We want people to not hate shul. A two-minute Shema is painful enough. Chazaras HaShas, the cantor's out loud repetition of the Amidah prayer for the community, should be fast and not heard by anyone.
The rabbi said you can yell at the Baal Tefillah if their Davening is too long. You can yell, “Move faster. Your Davening is annoying everyone. Your Kavana is painful to the congregation. We hate you.”
 
No more than two family members mentioned during post Aliyah Mishebeyrachs. You get up to say the blessing over the Torah, nobody needs to hear about your new niece. Too many people are receiving Mishebeyrach blessings and it’s adding time to Minyin. People are mad, and now more people hate Jews.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We are looking for strong people to kick people out of shul who do Mishebeyrach after their Aliyahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Cause of Communal Hate and How It’s Our Chazin. The Pain of You Remembering the Names of Fifty Family Members. How Praising People Leads to Wars- A History of How We Lost Membership.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The focus this week was how to get Davening done faster. I suggested we just skip it. The rabbi wasn't fine with that. Though he liked the idea.
When Davening takes too long, you can't focus on anything else. So, I'm happy we focused our shul discussion on finishing Davening faster this week. Otherwise, I would have been cursing out Felvel and his whole family, who he mentioned after his Aliyah. I took down all the names. Hate them all. They'll say they had nothing to do with Felvel going off on all of them, remembering who they're the child of. They still deserve to be hated. Nothing to do with our shul, not even in our city, and they're slowing down our Davening.
​The discussion on finishing Davening added a good two hours to Davening. We probably should've had that discussion another time. It was self-defeating. 

They discussed it. People want to shoot the Chazin. The pain of waiting for this guy. An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz during the week?!! It happened.
Eight minutes??? Am I supposed to read a newspaper. Is that what I'm supposed to do during the cantor's repetition?! Otherwise, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm definitely not focusing on praying. At some point, I'm thinking of hurting the CHazin. 
I have to say, Kavana is killing Judaism.

The board meeting went on about it later in the week. They decided that people who want to do a slow Davening, can slow things down by themselves, and stay in shul later. They can stay late, with no security. To quote our president, "If you believe in your prayers that much, you should believe a little in Gd."

Just the long Shema is enough to get anybody mad. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Do they meditate on each word?! Are they getting back at people?! Did somebody wrong them?!
If you are meditating, Shema should take three hours. I'm not suggesting people meditate. Truth is, I sometimes fall asleep during the Shema myself. I have people coming over to me telling me how impressed they are with my Kavanah.

Here are some of the rules we came up with this week, due to the pain of a long Shabbat morning Shacharit:
Mishebeyrachs are wrong, and thus not allowed. Especially when Davening is taking a long time. They went on with these blessings for their family. Each person is now doing it. These people are adding names. Family members they don't even have. Making up family.
Adon Olam took forever too. They did a slower tune than the slow tune. No idea how that was possible.
And they didn’t even start on time. That somehow slowed up Davening too. New rule is they have to start on time, even if nobody is there. 
Mishebeyrachs for the USA and Israel, and the soldiers, can be said. But they all have to be fast. As long as people say "Amen," they can feel like they care about their people.
And you can also say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. The head of the Tehillim committee suggested we put a time limit on how long we pray for the sick. To quote, "If we're still saying the Mishebeyrach after two months, might as well give up. What are their chances anyways." And since then, I have put it in my medical directive letter that I don't want Ruchel and the Tehillim committee to ever pray for me. 
And Shema is now timed.

Some people have taken the rabbi’s Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yelling in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.”
It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows. Why? Because it took too long to bring out the choolante.
Some jumped on the Bima the past week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."

They did the starting on time with nobody, and they finished the service before anybody showed up. And every congregant in our shul was happy.

I just dealt with a very painful Davening, where the Chazin did a fifteen-minute Chazaras HaShatz, repetition of the Amidah. We already did it. He did it again. And he kept on going with the prayer. 
Kavanah has to stop. It's killing communities. Devoutness must stop. I will say it. It's annoying. People who come to shul, want to get out. That's why they go. There is no reason for a long Davening. We have to stop these people. And thus, I came up with rules to stop these people with Kavanah from leading our shules into the abyss of focusing on prayers.
This is about community Shalom. It's a Tircha DTzibur. A pain to the congregation. And somebody has to to take a stand. We have to stop it.

Here are the Rules for a Faster Davening, so that nobody will want to Shoot the Chazin
Shema can't take longer than it takes to read the words of the Shema. If it takes longer, kick them out. As a community, we acknowledged Gd is One. Nobody has to acknowledge that your devout fervor is annoying.
How does it take longer than the words?!!!! They're definitely saying something else there. And it's wrong to come up with your own words to the Shema. You can't read all of Sefer Devarim and call it the Shema. It's also wrong to read a paperback in the middle of Davening, calling it the Shema, trying to get in some extra quiet and relaxation time for yourself.

Rabbi has to finish his Amidah, Silent Prayer, before his congregants. If he takes longer, fire him.
Bylaw: The rabbi can keep his job if when he looks back and sees his congregants are finished, he tells them to start with the repetition of the Amidah. He does this by giving a wink to the Chazin or Baal Tefillah. The difference between a Chazin and Baal Tefillah is how much the guy sounds like Kermit the Frog. The Chazin needs a head nod and a wink, otherwise he doesn't know to continue. 

The rabbi and Gabai must master the head nod and wink. If they have not mastered this necessary speed cue, get rid of them. They don't deserve their jobs. If the Chazin thinks the Gabai is hitting on him, we have a problem.
Anybody who doesn't understand that a head nod and double eye wink means to start moving fast, should not be Davening for the Tzibur. He's an idiot. The Tzibur are people who get frustrated when they have to pointlessly wait for you to start the repetition of the Amidah. The Tzibur is also known as people who are generally angry. 

Anybody who closes their eyes during Davening, they might be meditating on something. Kick them out. If they're truly in the middle of proper mediation, they won't even realize you're throwing them out of the building. 

The repetition of the Amidah must be said in under two minutes. Nobody should have to hear you enunciate each word. Mumbling is holy and it keeps communities together. It's how Jews have prayed for centuries. Say. In some communities, people have to go to work.

Anybody does any tune during the weekday services, kick them out of shul. Revoke their membership. This includes Rosh Chodesh. Somebody starts singing Hallel, kick them out. Normal people don't connect to Gd during the week.
And if anybody brings a guitar to shul, kick them out and break their guitar. They should know better than trying to pull that Shtick. Putting on a concert at 7am?! Are these people even Jewish?! They should be excommunicated. Probably out all night partying. That's not how you celebrate Rosh Chodesh. You celebrate Rosh Chodesh by not being happy that you have to say extra prayers.
You can sing one Hallel song on holidays.

All of these rules must be followed on Shabbat. Each moment we are waiting for you to finish Davening is time we are not eating. And that makes Davening Asur.
Who in the Gehenim is doing the slow Kaddish. What is this one trying to prove?! Anybody who doesn't follow the Tzibur's Kaddish tune and speed, kick them out. And that includes guests. Any guest of the shul who has the Chutzpah to do a Kaddish that's not in sink, drag them out. Shuls have security nowadays for a reason.

Layning must be practiced by the one reading the Torah, so that we can get it done quick. It's called Torah reading, so read it right. And that means fast. If you see anybody on the side of the Torah table, speaking sign language to the guy reading the Torah, that means the guy didn't prepare. Yell at them. He will hear you. People, especially the one reading the Torah for everybody, should not be talking during the Torah reading. And that includes having a conversation in sign language about the troupe. 
Practice the Torah reading. It feels like I'm sitting at a Bar Mitzvah every week. And no more Bar Mitzvahs. Any parent who tells their child to slow down, kick out that parent from Judaism. Excommunicate them. And hurt them. Do not hurt the child. There are things we don't do, no matter how annoying it is to have to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy Layn.

Mishebeyrachs. Skip them. If anybody insists on a post Aliyah Mishebeyrach, take five hundred dollars from them. On the spot. I don't care if it's Shabbis. We have to stop these people. There are certain pains we have to suffer for the shul to make money. Dues, dinners where we honor people I can't stand, and auctioning off Aliyahs by a guy who says he's important. For Money, you can do it.
I just sat in shul where each person did a Mishebeyrach. I blame the Gabai. We fired that Gabai.
It added an extra fifteen minutes to Davening. It was painful. These people were adding names. Coming up with family members they didn't have.
They can't control their Mishebeyrachs, so we're cancelling them. And nobody cares about your family members. If anything, I'm not saying "Amen." I'm saying, "Thanks to these sinner family members who need extra Brachas, I have to be in shul for another fifteen minutes. They should be cursed."
All Mishebeyrachs have to be fast. I care about the Tzahal and all of our soldiers. If I hear another person who jumps into another Chazin role in the middle of our community prayer for the soldiers, I'm kicking them out and finding a soldier to shoot them. Beautiful Tzahal song. Don't sing it unless if you truly care about the soldiers and live in Israel. In Israel, they only sing it when the soldiers are there. And the soldiers don't have time for that song. They're heading to war. You can't tell Hamas, "Wait a minute. We have a beautiful song. You've got to hear it. It's about us being blessed and safe. The Israeli Philharmonic does it so well. Check it out."
You can say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. If a person sings it, hurt them, kick them out and say a Mishebeyrach for them too. The right way. Fast.

And what's this Adon Olam tune that repeats the words "Adon Olam"?! 
And then they slowed it down. It was slower than the slow tune. I didn't know you could go slower than the slow tune.
Anybody who slows down any singing, kick them out. All tunes should be with the purpose of getting out of shul. The only tune that should be used is "Yankee Doodle."
And they didn’t even start on time. I'm still getting over last Shabbis. Start on time. People want to miss Davening. 
Anim Zemirot. The kid did a slow tune for that too. Don't get me started. There is a reason children should not be in shul. Halacha. No kids in shul. 
If the Chazin doesn't catch the head nod, yell at him. You can also yell at anybody who slows anything down. 
There are many more rules and reasons to kick people out of shul. To sum up the rules, anybody that slows anything down in any way, kick them out. Hurt them. There is no place in shul for them. You may first want to give them a chance and yell at them. If the person has no idea what a head nod means, there is no place for them in a congregation.
Do I have to mention sermons. If you're thinking about firing your rabbi, here's a reason.

I am only trying to bring Shalom. And I do want to get out of shul. 
Next time we will focus on more of the reasons behind not having a long Minyin, other than me wanting to shoot congregants.

We are hosting a singles Shabbaton this weekend, for the Jewish Holiday of Love. Ti BAv. Please treat them like they’re normal people. Give them that this Shabbat Nachamu. Pretend like you don't notice the forty-year-old guy not wearing a Tallis.
 
Any woman wearing white is allowed to be hit on.
 
This world is a gift. The rabbi wants everybody to know that he was away on vacation, and to see the mountains and to not be with the membership of this shul was such a gift.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Pinny needs help meeting somebody. Women seem to know him, and that’s an issue. Please help set up Pinny with girls that have no idea who he is, so he has a chance to look decent.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Makes All Single People Creepy- Security Problems and How it Doesn’t Focus on Older Single People in Our Shul. How Saying Any Woman Wearing White is Allowed to Be Hit On - On Shabbis - Can Ruin Marriages. Pinny and Why He is Still Single- A Study in the Shidduch Ideas of Our Membership and How They Have Not Had One Successful Match. How to Ruin a Relationship by Letting Them Get to Know You and the Pinkowitz Family Story. The Joy of Going on Vacation and Not Seeing You.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Well. That just made it awkward. The whole women's section was staring at the men not wearing Tallises. Sadie Bracha screamed out, "Isn't he sixty already?!" And they she insisted that her yelling that should help him feel normal, as normal sixty-year-olds are married. 
Bringing awareness is not always helpful. Like the time the rabbi brought awareness to the non-religious congregants driving on Shabbat. He said we should treat them like Jews. Next thing you know, all people are talking about are the women with freshly showered hair, and how they must be driving on Shabbat. And the time the rabbi and the sisterhood brought awareness to those who identify as homosexual. Every conversation at Kiddish had the word "gay" in it. And they thought that was helping the "gay" people feel better.

This white Shabbat hitting on thing was messed up. Everybody wears white on Shabbat.
That was a shocker to the family wearing Shabbis clothes. 
I made sure my children were wearing colored clothes. They were walking around in Shabbat tye-die. I don't need a sixty-year-old without a Tallit hitting on my children.
 
I’d hate to have the shul help me meet somebody. Good luck Pinny. The only thing worse than a girl knowing Pinny. The only thing that can ruin a chance at a relationship for Pinny more than that is the sisterhood getting involved in trying to set him up. I pray for his soul. 
The women of our shul setting you up is the beginning of a good hundred very painful dates. However, many nieces there are in our shul, that's how many bad evenings and very uncomfortable dinners
And he has to go out. If he doesn’t, he will get looks from the ladies’ section. And Sadie Bracha will scream at him. Why her name is not Shulamis Bracha is another question. We all know Sadie Bracha doesn't fit.
Couldn't Pinny just find girls wearing white on Tu BAv, and hit on them. Well. He did that last year, and he made the whole women's section very awkward. Married women have not worn white since. They've stuck to off-white. Only cream colors on Shabbis.

The Pinkowitz family story is, they were a great couple till they got married and got to know each other. 

Well. The rabbi was happy. He had the gift of not seeing the congregation for a week. He insisted the nature stuff was not that enjoyable. The enjoyable things was not seeing the members who sit in the back left.
The rabbi suggested a great date idea for the Pinkowitz family this Tu BAv would be for the father to go on his own trip. Not seeing him would bring more love to all the family members. 

If I was a guy, I would never take off my Tallis. And to make it clear to Sadie Bracha, that is not a gay thing.

This Tisha BAv we’ll be sitting on the floor. The way renovations are going, that’s the most comfortable way to sit in our shul.
 
Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, is the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple. And we want to blame Bernie for that.
 
The rabbi’s note of the week: Everything at Kiddish is great. But the egg salad is disgusting. He believes that we are still in exile because of the person making the egg salad. They’re causing Sinat Chinam.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Teach Fran how to make egg salad. We need somebody to teach Fran how to purchase eggs and peel them. And we need a therapist to explain that pre-peeled eggs are disgusting.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: When Mourning Is Too Much- Renovations That Don’t End. The Isur of Using Pre-Peeled Eggs- How to Ruin Shabbat for Me and What Could Be a Good Egg Salad. Fran's Egg Salad and What Destruction Tastes Like. How Our Members Caused the Destruction of The Temple- How Descendents Affected the Past and How the Thought of Bernie Can Kill a Really Good Day and Generation.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We always sit on the floor for Tisha BAv. I think the rabbi was just making a point that the board is full of a bunch of idiots.
Usually our members sit on steps, because they can't bend that much. We have a very out of shape congregation. The most agile member can sit on a chair by holding onto the armrests. That's the extent of our agility. Holding an armrest to brace the fall onto the chairs. Our members don't sit. We fall onto chairs. And for Tisha BAv, we fall onto the stairs. Our members sitting for Tisha BAv need CNA help. We need nurse aides in our shul to ensure the congregants can get up. I see a congregant on the floor, there's an issue.
We don't even have steps to sit on now. That's real mourning. With the renovations, it's just flat concrete floor.
Renovations are disgustingly slow. They have the destruction thing down. Our board is very good at ruining things. They've destroyed the shul real well. It's the perfect Tisha BAv at our shul. You want to celebrate Tisha BAv, come to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
That's what happened with the destruction of the Temples. It was a renovations committee who got the destruction part down and then left it for a year. And they never got to the renovations. It was our board and renovations committee. And members who don't pay dues. And exile.

And then the baseless hatred. Our congregation has a lot of hate. The members of our shul are a good reason to hate. I would have to say, we did not cause baseless hatred. There is reason to hate the other members of our shul. With their hats, and the bad jokes they repeat, and the messed-up egg salad. There are a lot of very good reasons to hate our membership. If we were around in the times of the Beit Hamikdash, they would be able to say to Gd that they had a reason. It would be a Mitzvah to hate Bernie.

Fran doesn't get it. The eggs are disgusting. Pre-peeled eggs. There's something about them. It might be the vinegar they sit in. Whatever it is, it causes everybody to hate Fran.
Every problem in our shul comes back to Fran's egg salad.
Fran's egg salad did get me through Tisha BAv. When I was down and thinking I can't make it through the fast, I thought of her egg salad. It kind of made me never want to eat again. Thinking of Fran's egg salad actually made Tisha BAv a joy. It made it feel like mourning is a good thing.
Most people eat the egg with ashes before Tisha BAv, known as the Seudah Mafseket. I just had Fran's egg salad. Felt the destruction right there.

Being around our members, I'm truly in a constant state of Tisha BAv.

The Three Weeks begin this Wednesday night. The rabbi said that nobody has to raise their level of mourning in our shul.
To quote: “It’s depressing enough in this shul. Nobody has ever felt as much sadness as having to Daven with the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Each day with you, I mourn the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.”
 
This week we celebrate wellness in our shul with Wellness Shabbat, as none of you are well. We’re going to be focusing on Bernie and the women with huge hats, who’ve been frowning since 1986.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Talking to Bernie and the Smug Frowning Hat Women. Keeping their attention is a great act of kindness to the rest of the congregants that can’t deal with them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Art of Bringing Down Everybody Else in Shul with Our Congregants. The Art of Sadness and Having to Deal with Our Congregants. Wellness and How to Keep Healthy by Staying Away from Our Membership. Mental Health and How You Stole it From Me. How Hard Chesed Is When You're in a Community Like Ours- A Mental Health Session.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
“It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.” No truer words have ever been spoken. You see the members of our shul and you want to move to Jerusalem. Or anywhere else.
It’s always Tisha BAv. If you ever had the egg salad at Kiddish, you would understand. It's disgusting. Our egg salad should be marketed as the Seudah Mafseket. The meal of sadness before Tisha BAv. Our egg salad and sitting with one of our members will get anybody into the Tisha BAv mood.
I don't think I've seen a smile since last Tisha BAv. Tisha BAv is a pick-me-up in our congregation. 
The rabbi went on in his sermon, "The Three Weeks between the sadness is a time of hardship and struggle. Every day at our shul is a struggle. Every time I sit with the board, it's hardship. You, my congregants, are hardship and struggle. You are the Diaspora. If there is one positive thing in Moshe's life, it's that you were not his congregants... But you were there. We were all there at Sinai. And you are the reason for Tisha BAv." I was so touched. Nobody could've put down Sarah Bracha like the rabbi did. Our congregation is the reason. I told the rabbi how much I appreciated him expressing my feelings.
 
What is Wellness Shabbat? Is that a commandment? I truthfully had no idea we had to be well. If being well was a Mitzvah, our congregation is full of a bunch of sinners.
Over Wellness Shabbat we spoke of mental illness, and they brought in examples from our congregation. Which meant the rabbi had a chance to go off on every single congregant's quirks. This included Chaim breathing through his nose. Which somehow bothers the rabbi. Cheryl using her finger to follow along in the Siddur also very much angers the rabbi. Lin not showing up to shul, the rabbi likes that.

It's the hats. That's it. That's why everybody frowns all the time. It's the hats and the Tisha BAv mood they all love. There's something about huge hats that has these women walking around all smug. The need to balance the Jewish fascinator brim hats, along with the weight, causes that look.

Bernie is annoying. I think that was the discussion of Wellness Shabbat. How do we deal with him? Him, Bernie, being our problem. That's where the rabbi was steering the conversation. Bernie and big hats.

The Jewish Family Services therapists should've focused their discussion of mental health on how to stay away from our membership. It doesn't take more than five minutes to come up with that diagnosis.
The therapists walked away from the group sessions not feeling well. In response to the Wellness Shabbat, the therapists suggested that for our mental health we all go to another shul.

Everybody in our religion has problems. That's what I garnered from the rabbi's message. And we all have OCD. That's what the Gabai who can't get a name right said of Jews. You call them up for an Aliyah, get their dad's name right. And then the therapists piggybacked on the OCD thing. They saw business opportunity in religious Jews being Midakdek. Being precise about what you do is a disease nowadays.
OCD is a good thing. That's what I say. It keeps people religious. Keeping Mitzvahs takes OCD. "I have to wake up on time for Shacharit." "I can't tie my right shoelace first. I'm not going to Gehenim." "We have to vacation in Florida this winter." And it keeps people from eating at my house. "I can't eat at Rivka's. She's not Frum enough."
They were selling that OCD therapy. They went with it. The therapists ended up giving out cards, telling each one of us, "Here. Take a card. You're religious. You have OCD. You need help."
The rabbi then somehow said that we shouldn't make ourselves sick from worrying about Mitzvahs for months on end. Now our congregants feel it's proper Biblical practice to not keep Pesach.
So, I guess the ending message of the OCD Wellness Shabbat was that we shouldn't be religious. And we shouldn't mourn for the Temple. Something is definitely off in my shul.

​The Jewish Family Services therapist speaker had a message about what she called a safe container community. We all need a community of people we can trust. People we feel comfortable around. People who care about us. She's an idiot. Apparently, she has no idea what a community is.
 
Did I leave out anything from my writing? OCD! You see. I have an issue. I edit sometimes.
If there are any grammatical mistakes, it's only because I'm healthy.

Graduation Kiddish will be this week. The board decided that we should charge people for their kids graduating Jewish day school. Parents paid 20k for day school. Now that those bills are over, the shul felt we should ask them to spend more. 
To sponsor graduation Kiddish for your children that we all Schepp so much Nachis for, it's only a thousand dollars. Dues are only at 2.5k. This is a chance for the parents to feel closer to H' and to give us more money.
 
Father’s Day is this Sunday. We expect the dads to come for Minyin. You need more Mitzvahs. Message from the Rabbi: "H’ doesn’t think you did a good job as a dad. Your children are messed up. We see them at the junior congregation."
Side Note: Being Abba Shel Shabbat does not make you a dad. We’re sick of these three-year-olds getting this dad ego, now saying they expect an Abba and Ema Shel Shabbat Day. Our shul will not support it. Enough of our members have supported Mamdani, they should all go to Gehenim. And we see what that led to. Antisemitism and bad Kiddishes.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Telling Bernie to shut up during Musaf.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Giving Money to Shul and The Rabbi's Salary. Why It's a Mitzvah to Give More than Mayser to Shul and The Rabbi's Salary. How to Ruin Father’s Day By Asking Fathers to Daven. Why Congregants Can’t Not Talk During Davening. Is It a Mitzvah to Disturb the Rabbi's Sermon- A Discussion About Something That Was Never Decreed and an Angry Rabbi. Should Three Year Olds Be Doing Dad Jokes.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul board figured they could get money off the back of the fact the parents already spent everything. The tactic expressed at the board meeting was, "When they're down. That's when you hit them."
 
We had a graduation Kiddish. Nothing for Father’s Day. Because nobody cares about dads. The shul knows that if they would've asked for money in support of dads, they would've got nothing. Nobody supports dads. They support moms and kids. They once had a dunk tank. People supported dads in that.

The whole Kiddish was such a scam. Not one person in our shul is Schepping any Nachis from these kids. Especially, the parents.
These kids have done nothing for society. Thus, we honor them. That's the message of graduation. "You've done nothing to help anybody. And thus, we honor you with a cap and gown. And now, for the next forty years, nobody will care about anything you did."
Kindergarten graduation??? What have these kids accomplished??? Some of these kids in our junior congregation can't even trace their name right.
​
I question our graduates. Ben going to college with that hairdo. There's no class on normal. Normal should be a focus. Maybe the kids wouldn't be rolling around on the ground, fighting for candy, if they had normal as an elementary school subject. The most they have is a general studies teacher, who focuses on rabbits. They learn about normal rabbits who can talk, and then they get a degree. And I have to sponsor the Kiddish, because my niece is still an idiot. Now you know where the resentment comes from.

The fathers in the shul are definitely not spending their time raising decent kids. The rabbi ripped on the dads. Lazy as anything. Not showing for Minyin. To quote, "If your kids weren't so messed up, you would have a reason to not come to Minyin. But I know there's no way you're doing anything to help."
The rabbi took that statement back later. To quote, "You're messed up. If you have anything to do with raising your children, they will be annoying too. Either way, it's better you're at Minyin." And that was his message. His sermons touch my heart.

These Abba Shel Shabbat kids are getting annoying. These three-year-olds play dad and they get all high on themselves. Start making decisions like they're parents. Telling people “I need my quiet.”
They want an Abba Shel Shabbat Day. I'm not doing it. It's messed up. These toddler egos are uncalled for. And then to have to hear jokes like, "My friend was so high on himself. He had such a big LEGO." Dad humor from three-year-olds. It's got to stop. Next year I'm protesting any graduation from nursery school.

A thousand-dollar sponsorship. That's how much choolante costs nowadays. 
Man, it was a bad Kiddish. And they didn't even have choolante.
They've started this new community diet thing, where they have Kiddish and serve Kichel. Basically, all you get is puffed air. They figure that will help people lose weight. And then they give a little tuna. Enough for three people. And that's why it costs so much. They're charging for the shul Kiddish diet plan.
For the graduation, they had a cake that somebody whipped creamed on "Graduation." No frosting. Whipped creamed on. No bakery has ever done this, so we had to create the verb at Kiddish itself.
They're trying to save money. Six thousand dollars, and they're trying to save money. They didn't even have enough food for the graduates. People are starting to realize the Kiddish donations are a scam. There is no way six thousand dollars is going to Kichel.
It's the Mamdani people. They hate Jews. They want Israel destroyed. And they want us not enjoying Kiddish so we will vote them into the board again. This is what happens when you have government funded Kiddish Kichel.
And I ask where the rest of the money went.

The rabbi really backed this graduation Kiddish. He was banking on it to support his raise and the all paid for summer vacation package he's been asking for. 
He had everybody questioning the Mayser thing. The rabbi insisted the new law is you have to more than tithe, so he can RV around America.
When asked by the board about his RV loop around the US, the rabbi said he needs it for spiritual reasons. When questioned, he explained that he's doing it for Israel. Point is he only made a couple thousand dollars off the board's Kiddish scam. And then he did a GoFundMe. And he wrote it all off.

The Chesed of telling Bernie to shut up was gladly accepted by the congregation as a whole. 

Our rabbi is a superhero. We want to acknowledge his ability to ensure our prayers are done right. Even on his way out of shul, to save Kiddish Levana (holiness over the moon), the rabbi caught the Chazin doing a long Kaddish. He jumped in, yelled, “vYhi Noam” and then he was gone. Like Superman and Mighty Mouse. Our rabbi swoops in for H’. 
The moon was not saved that night by our rabbi. But he did save our congregation a full Kaddish prayer.
 
We ask people say Kaddish faster. People feel like there’s a funeral when our Gabai leads Kaddish. Losing a loved one is hard enough.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Child counseling. The rabbi has decided the children in our shul are messed up and need help. Something is wrong when kids are rolling on the floor in front of the Bima. If anybody can help make these kids normal, your Chesed is needed.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Our Shul Looks Like When the Rabbi Is Not Around to Catch Our Mistakes And How Other Religions Began. How to Make Shul More Painful Than It Already Is with Our Gabai and His Kaddish- A Study. The Psychology Behind Children in Our Shul and Circus Animals.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
He’s a superhero. The rabbi catches things you do wrong, he notes them, then he’s gone. Middle of conversation, rabbi swooped in, said, “Lashon Hara” and he was gone. He sees the Aveira, notes it and he's gone. He truly has a way of letting you know you're a disgusting person who sins. He's like a Mitzvah Man that gives you no hope.

Our shul, we need the rabbi. We're lost without him. If the rabbi was gone for more than a week, I don’t think we’d be Jewish. Last Friday night we ended up doing Nusach Sefarad. He was gone for one Minyin. He missed one service, Maariv, and we already changed our Davening traditions. Like that, our shul changed its tradition. The Gabai didn’t even notice. The guy leading the services could’ve done some mosque tunes, our congregants would’ve gone along with it. They’re oblivious.
Without our rabbi we would be saying Kaddish even slower. We would be making the Kiddish Brachas slouching. Not sitting or standing. We would just be slouching. Nobody would know if our shul tradition is to sit or stand for the blessing. So, we would do what everybody does in our shul. We would slouch. Our whole congregation slouches. Look around and you will see a lot of slouchers. Somebody has to come in and work on prayer posture with us.

Our rabbi saves us. He could've saved the moon. I believe it. But the clouds got in the way and we didn't say Kiddish Levana on Saturday night. Clouds are his one kryptonite. 
 
Our Gabai is very good at bringing a funeral feeling to everything we do at shul.
He thought he was helping with the Mourner's Kaddish, slowing it down. He just throws everybody off with his slow Kaddish speed. And it got slower this week. We had to say "Amen" five times to each part of Kaddish. One guy finished slow, another one slower. Then a slower one for the women's side. Then another guy caught that and slowed it down. Somehow, the Gabai still hadn't finished. Then, finally, the Gabai finished. Another "Amen" and an extra fifteen minutes in shul.
The Gabai thinks he’s helping people who don’t know how to say the Mourner's Kaddish. How many times do you have to say Kaddish over the course of the year, before the Gabai believes you know how to do it?! Like after six months of saying it seven times a day they haven’t figured it out it yet.
Our Gabai doesn’t believe people can learn. Either that, or he likes to make things painful. He believes that by doing it really slow, he’s helping people feel their mourning more intensely, allowing them to push their pain onto the whole congregation too. Bringing a feeling of communal mourning, every time he says Kaddish.
Somebody has to talk to the Gabai. It’s getting very annoying. And I don’t have an extra hour to stick around shul for Kaddish. I know that sounds bad, but Davening has went from two and a half hours to three and a half hours now.

Kids dancing on the Bima in middle of Musaf. Is that normal? I'm beginning to think it is. Please let me know if kids dancing on the stage in the middle of the repetition of the Silent Prayer is normal. And how the Silent Prayer is repeated out loud confuses me.
All the kids in our shul are on the spectrum. Rolling around on the floor in the middle of the ark being open. Something is wrong. All kids are on the spectrum. I'm convinced.
The kids are then playing on the stairs in front of the Aron, in front of the whole congregation. We all see them. And they don't notice. We don't even need a one-way window. They're oblivious. And we're all watching. You can't not watch. They're crazy.
Going to Minyin at our shul is a psychological study. First, we have the control group of the kids. And then you end up studying the Kaddish speed. And the data shows our whole congregation is on the spectrum.
And they're taking up the stairs. Do the parents not realize they're in shul? They don't. The kid leading Anim Zmirot can’t get down, because all the other kids are chilling on the stairs and rolling around. They’re like smokers taking up the stairs with their little dolls, like Peppa Pig. How the parents think bringing Peppa Pig Muddy Puddles Party to shul is a good idea. Something else that baffles the mind.
 
The Mitzkin service now hosts the youth. The rabbi was so happy to get rid of the youth. Nobody can Daven at the Mitzkin house breakaway. It’s a ruckus. They have kids there, playing Peppa Pig.
It took a day. Everybody seems to be coming back to shul. The Mitzkins realized that people are annoying. They thought they were friends with the other members. Then the other members started going to their house for Minyin and turned into congregants. Now the Mitzkins hate them all. And they hate their kids. The Mitzkins are now fans of the rabbi.
 
The board played one of those hero songs before Shabbat to praise our rabbi. The rabbi listened, said "thank you," and expressed disgust that he had to see the congregants.

That class on children in our shul and circus animals had nothing to do with psychology. It was just the rabbi ripping on the children and families in our congregation. They're not normal and they need help. The rabbi made that clear. 

Baby naming this week by the Greenbaum family has everybody mad. It appears that everybody in the shul thought the Greenbaum’s new daughter should’ve been named after them. They chose to name their child after one of their family members, and for that, they want to apologize.
 
The rabbi encourages all to go to the breakaway Minyin. To quote the rabbi, “I can’t stand you. Please go to the Mitzkin Minyin.”
 
Chesed Opportunities: Visit Merwin. The guy is sick. He can’t move. He can’t talk. He’s probably the only one that won’t complain having to listen to you, Bernie.
 
Halacha Classes: How To Get Everybody Mad by Naming Your Child After Somebody. Breakaway Minyins- A History of How They Started and How Much Your Rabbis Can’t Stand Having to See Congregants. Why Visiting People Who Are Sick is More Useful Than Playing Bridge. Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Everybody in our community thought the Greenbaum girl should be named after them. They’re not even family. But they all feel they're important in the Greenbaum's life, as they have been there to eat at every Kiddish the Greenbaums have sponsored. 
Turns out the extended family was also mad about the baby naming. They said they named the girl after their great grandmother. The name made its way into the baby’s third name. That’s not even the middle name.
Some families do the family member's name as the middle name, so they never have to call the kid by the ancestor’s name. And they are also able to say that Rivka was named after Grandma Basya. How? I do not know.
Basya made her name into Bat Chen. Somehow, Rivka Chaya Bat Chen is named after Basya. No idea. Somebody is pulling the wool over the grandparent's eyes.
Is Bat part of Basya? Is that how their selling it? "We named our daughter after grandma by calling her the daughter of my wife." And that's why you disown family.
Who's Rivka? "A name we really liked." So, you're saying that you hate everybody's names in the family. All the people named after Grandma Basya have a horrendous very ugly name.
 
The rabbi loves the breakaway Minyin. He signed for five more years, and he doesn’t want the congregants to show. Any question he gets now, he says, “Go to the Mitzkin home for services.”
The rabbi is fine if there's no Minyin now. As long as the membership of the shul is not showing up to shul, he's happy.

It's amazing how people only visit people who are feeling good. They only visit people who are relaxing, watching TV. They only visit people who they can interrupt. People that don't want to see them. They think they're doing a favor, interrupting their friend's enjoyment.
They don't visit anybody sick. Sick people, who can't move, who can use a visitor. Somebody popping by to scratch them. A visitor to do Bikur Cholim, talk a little and scratch their back. 
Merwin needs visitors. He can't move right now, so bridge is out of the question. But somebody can scratch for him.
Since COVID, people don't visit the sick. Since COVID, the Mitzvah is to be selfish.
You would think Bernie would at least visit Merwin. To have an audience that can't complain about him talking too much. That's a dream for the older members of our shul. They talk, I don't listen, I show frustration. Merwin can't even move his mouth to show that he wants them to shut up and scratch the back of his arm.
I've started scratching people in nursing homes. They truly appreciate it. They come to Bingo, you can see they can barely move their chips onto the "o" row. There is no way they can reach their back. Sometimes, I scratch their knee. I have a feeling most elderly falls happen because people get a toe itch. They try to reach and there's the fall.
The Chesed Opportunity next week should be to go around scratching old people in nursing homes. We can get our junior congregation on that too. They're always scratching each other. 

"​Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation." I think that class was more of a statement by the rabbi. Support of the rabbi to visit the sick and for the rabbi to not have to see you, because you're annoying.

A Shmooz is a Drasha in a class setting. Basically, the modern Shmooz is a sermon where people have to be there. It's a sermon that doesn't have to go anywhere. A sermon where you don't hear congregants complaining afterwards. Which means the rabbi can say whatever he wants.
And we're not talking about a traveling Maggid. We're not living in the 1800s. No community is going to pay somebody to come for a weekend to tell them to keep the laws of Shabbat. There's a reason they fired their last rabbi.

Let us focus on the Yeshiva Shmooz, as Talmidim in Yeshiva are the only people who want to be told they're not decent people. And if they don't want that, they have no choice. They'll get kicked out.
​The Shmooz in Yeshivas is affectionately known as a Musar Shmooz. So, you want to give Musar. Musar is where you tell people how wrong they are. Also known as rebuke, never focus on yourself. You want to focus on how others are messing up. That makes the Shmooz more enjoyable.
The topic is what’s important. You want to choose a topic that focuses on how much they've sinned. You come to your Shmooz, you say “Teshuva." People hear repentance. Message is received. You can leave. Point is made. They have to repent. And that’s when you talk for an hour or so.
During the hour you will hopefully hit on something that has to do with Teshuva. Not important. The point is you need a good topic for your Torah lesson about how they're not following Torah.

Shmooz Topics
Lashon Hara is always good. Everybody is speaking Lashon Hara about other people, which makes it a great topic. You give the Musar, they continue to talk Lashon Hara, you have a message for the following week too.
Health. That's a good topic. Tell them they have to eat healthy as their body is given to them by H', and they look disgusting, and they will never get a date, and their parents hate them. And that is why the cook at the Yeshiva uses chicken fat. Do whatever you can to justify what the Talmedim, the students at the Yeshiva, are eating. The not clean kitchen and daily lack of food that comes from earth at the Yeshiva makes this a hard lesson to give over to the Yeshiva Bachurs (another word for Talmedim or firstborn children that have done nothing helpful with their life). Even so, with the cook feeding them chicken fat as a meal, you will always have a message. The Yeshiva staff should work in tandem. 
Treating others with respect. You can leave that out. Nobody will listen to that lesson. Only an Apikores, a heretic, would think something so foolish. To give over the lesson of respect correctly, be sure to bring up the fact that other Jews are not as Frum as you, and thus have no place in Shamaim. Once the Yeshiva Bachurs understand that you also know that the other Jews suck and have no place in Heaven, they will respect you.
Respect your elders if they give you money. This is a very important lesson.
The importance of honest work, and how making a lot of money can lead to great Mitzvahs, such at Tzedakah. Excellent topic, allowing you to focus on how nobody gives charity, except for the donor, whose name is on the wall. As I remember learning from my rebbe, "You will never have a place in Shamaim if your name is not on a plaque." And that is how they got me to donate a plaque.
You can talk about business practice. If they made money, tell them they're Ganavim. A bunch of thieves. Keep the Yeshiva Bachurs on their toes. Contradiction is fine. As long as people feel like they are sinners, you've done it right.
Importance of sleep. You give this one over when the students are staying up late and keeping you up at night. If the neighbors complain and you get called in to quiet everybody down, this is the Shmooz you give that week. What it has to do with Torah, no idea. 
The exercise Shmooz should be given after every holiday. You must make sure to let the Talmedim know the requirement to eat meat, fish, bread, cake, Kishka and chicken fat for eight days straight. They come back from the holiday, you let them know they're sinners for not working out. Again, keep them guessing. Then you tell them it's forbidden to exercise due to Gashmiyus. Throw in a Yiddish word you're still trying to understand, that brings the Shmooz to the next level of European feelings of guilt.
Bitul Torah. Never wasting time from learning Torah is always a good topic. There is always more Torah one can learn. Nine hours of learning a day? Not enough. Ten. If they're doing ten, what are they doing the rest of the time? Sleeping? Wasting time getting sleep? Let's say you have the Chutzpadik guy at the Shmooz that's learning twenty hours a day, you can still get him. Come at him with a, "You must be eating. You're being Mivatel Torah." By the end of your Shmooz, the students listening to your message should be skipping sleep and dinner, and feeling really bad about themselves. And they should have also received the message that work is forbidden.
And then give a Musar Shmooz on the importance of work. Your Shmoozes should keep them guessing. Tell them to work, and to eat as they need to be healthy. Then, the following week come back to the importance of never wasting time for learning Torah. And then tell them they're going to Gehenim if they don't do what you told them. You cycle through that, you have Shmooz content for years.
Israel. You can focus on Israel and how we have to live there, and then not live there.
Supporting our people in Israel. That's a good topic. How to support is not the focus of the Shmooz. You give the Musar, you don't give the solution. A great ender is "support Israel." Everybody says "yes," and then they ask why, and then you call them heretics. And then you've done your job.
Teshuva. Always throw in Teshuva to remind them that whatever they've done right, they've still sinned. That's how you keep the Talmedim.

The topic is the key. You say the topic, they're drawn in. They know they have to do Teshuva for Lashon Hara. And they will have to do that next week too. Another Musar Shmooz. Now you have a job.
Same techniques can be used for a Drasha. A good sermon also focuses on what people do wrong. It keeps congregants in place. As long as they fire you, you can collect unemployment checks. It's always important to have a multi-year contract before giving a Musar Shmooz to your congregants.

Never say your students are doing something right. That's a surefire way to ruin a good Shmooz. You see one eating salad with tuna. Call them out for being Mivatel Torah and Gashmiyus. 
Next time we'll deal with the story part of the Shmooz and different ways of ending the lesson of how much they've sinned.

Youth Services are starting up again this week, so we don’t have to see the kids. B”H.
 
Our membership is excited about the Memorial Day sale. Our shul is giving off on membership to those who never served their country. Two Aliyahs for the price of one. That’s what those who gave themselves for our freedom would want.
The Koplin Mishpuchi want to thank those who gave their lives. They got a really good deal on a tool bench at Home Depot this week.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Turn on the air-conditioning. Merwin is sweating in shul from standing. He is standing wiping his forehead from standing. 
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Kids and How They Ruin Shul for Everybody- A Look into the Lack of Parenting in Our Community. Appreciation For Those Who Served in The Armed Forces and Deals on Slacks at Marshalls. Is It Mutar to Stand on Shabbat If You’re Going to Sweat and Other Responsa about the Out of Shape Members of Our Shul Who Sweat During Davening. How Disgusting Our Members Are. Do You Need a Shul When You Have the Mitzkin Family's House for Shavuot Learning.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
The Shavuot learning program was at the Mitzkin home. Pathetic. Yes. And I ask why we still have a congregation. We should change it from Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah to Beis Buddies of the Mitzkin Mishpuchi.
Turns out most people had no idea where it was, because they're not friends with the Mitzkin family. And the Mitzkins don't list their address. 
Our shul has turned into a Shabbat dinner at somebody's home. Yet, we are still doing renovations on the building. I'm guessing if we got rid of the shul and listed where the Mitzkin house is, dues might come down.
 
Thank Gd for youth services. It feels like a real community when you don’t have to see the kids. It's so great to not see them at shul.
 
We have two members that served in the American Armed Forces and that was eighty years ago. How do we know they served? They wear the hat.
The only thing our congregants have done for our country is find out where the decent sales are.
The Mitzkins did not serve our country. However, I heard they served cheesecake on Shavuot night.
 
That’s how out of shape Merwin is. Davening is exercise for the guy. He gets exercise by standing. He's disgusting. He sweats when he sits. The action of not expending energy is a workout for the guy. I can't watch it. He needs to bring a towel to shul.
Truth is, we need air-conditioning. I'm sweating right now.
 
The class about the kids coming to shul was met with a protest by the parents who made it very clear that they won’t come to shul if they have to watch their children. To which the rabbi said, “Great.”
All were encouraged to go the Mitzkin home. And that is how the breakaway Minyin started.

We will have a Mother’s Day Kiddish in honor of the Mothers. We want to thank all the mothers who are preparing and paying for the Kiddish, to show their appreciation.
 
If you’re having a Yahrzeit, please donate Kiddish or something to the shul. You want your loved one to stay in heaven.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Malkie needs help with her kids. Please volunteer to walk her kids, cook for her family and drive them.
 
Mark Schwartz smells disgusting. Nobody wants to tell him and embarrass him. The board felt the best way to handle this was to put it in the announcements.
 
Halacha Classes: Mother’s Day and the Chiyuv on Mothers to Make it Meaningful. Follow-up Class- Children and Their Lack of Appreciation and Why It's Annoying to See Them at Shul. Donating Nothing in Memory of Your Loved One with Our Members. Lack of Kiddish and How to Have Nobody Pray for Your Loved One. How to Not Pay for a Babysitter by Calling It Chesed. The Art of Telling People They Smell Bad and How to Make Friends. Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The mothers have to run the Mother's Day Kiddish if they want anything for Mother's Day. Nobody cares. I have never heard any of the kids in our shul say "thank you. I appreciate that Mom. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You gave up all your dreams of enjoying yourself for me." 
These little balls of Nachis are the least appreciative things I've ever seen in my life. That's why I don't give them candy. The candyman is now a bitter old man. He snarls when kids take the cany. I don't think he's gotten a Thank you in over thirty years. Just a lot of Paskesz and no thank yous.
How the parents in our shul can have Nachis is an anomaly. "I Schepp such Nachis from this one who is very good at taking things. So focused on herself. We're so proud."
 
The staying in heaven announcement was brilliant. They should use that for all donations. “Give more to the appeal or your loved one is going to hell.” That’s how you run a business.
They are trying to get Mashka to dedicate something in her father’s honor. Those people will give nothing to the shul
Last Shabbis was Mark's dad's Yahrzeit. People spat. No Kiddish. No Shalishudis. They heard it was Mark's father's Yahrzeit and they cursed him. That's what no Kichel will do.

Malkie moved to our community to have child walkers. They’re like dogs. They need people walking them. So, she gets people in our community to do it. Guised as Chesed, she doesn't have to pay them anything.
That's what Chesed has turned into. The Mitzvah of kindness has turned into helping lazy people.  
She’s just taking advantage of the Chesed. Chesed is letting Malkie relax on her couch and to catch up on a good series.

Nobody could tell Mark he smells disgusting. Everybody feels too bad. They don’t want to embarrass him. They just stay away. I haven't seen anybody say "Good Shabbis" to Mark in the last two months, afraid that by exhaling the words they might accidently breathe.
Thank Gd it’s in the announcements. Like he couldn't tell when everybody shifted to the left of the shul.

And for Mother's Day the mothers got no "thank you" for the Kiddish. 
As I found out later, Mother's Day is Asur. Part of the Mitzvah of honoring your parents is not showing appreciation.
I think Mark got the message with the class "Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day."

Moishie showed up with his shirt not tucked. He was a successful doctor. We believe that he gave up on his living, as his shirt was not tucked in and we did not see a belt. Please ask him how he's doing.
 
Somebody has to clean the fridge. We have fifteen Sam’s Club Colas in there. All open. Please finish colas before opening new ones.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We ask parents to go to the park and to make sure their kids don’t burn themselves this Lag BOmer. It turns out not one of our Jewish kids is in the Boy Scouts, and their parents think them making a fire is a good idea. Our children are dangerous. And their parents are idiots.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mr. Feigenblum and How You Will Never Get a Job in Sweatpants- How Comfort Leads Lack of Success and Congregants Who Don't Pay Dues. The Chemistry of Fizz and Finishing a Bottle Before Opening a New One. How To Make an Uncontained Fire with The Youth of Our Shul. How to Be an Irresponsible Parent with The Parents of Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Turns out Moishie is fine.
Moishie’s shirt was out. It was a Sunday. Now everybody is worried. He wasn’t even wearing sweatpants. They've just never seen him with his shirt not tucked.
Mr. Feigenblum has given up. That I know. Always in sweatpants. He's not a gym teacher. Just gave up. Went comfortable. And now he smiles. Something is wrong.
I don't think Moishie works Sundays. Though, the shirt out is not a good sign. Something must've happened. He must've relaxed for a moment.

They put back the sodas every time. Like old bottle fizz is better than new bottle fizz. They don't clean up or recycle. They put away. 
Then they bring out the old colas and the new ones. Eighteen colas with a quart in each of them. All flat, except for one. It's like the shell game, where you have to guess which cup the bottle cap is under. You have to pray you catch the one with fizz.
Eighteen colas in the fridge. All open. Likes it a Segulah omen for life. And where is the Sam's Club soda from. I don’t even think Sam’s Club makes cola anymore. We have it.
Maybe the first cup has the most fizz, so our congregants won't drink more than the first pour out of the bottle. They have standards. Give the cola to Mr. Feigenblum. He wears sweatpants. He has no standards.

We need Kiddish rules for the sisterhood. Like put away stuff not like idiots. Like cover the tuna bowl before putting it back in the fridge. And throw out anything that tastes like tar when flat.
Anything that's been out of the kitchen, you can't donate it to the food shelter. But we can drink cola from eight weeks ago, because Sharon doesn't know how to throw out fizzless soda. And we can eat tuna that's fridge hard on top. 
And I say the sisterhood, because men don't help. Men with tucked in shirts do not help. They tuck in their shirts.

I just stay away from the kids on Lag BOmer. I don't know when eight-year-olds making a fire became a good idea. We don't even let our fifteen-year-old near the stove. 
And they don't even know how to make fires. They just light stuff. They see it, they light it. They pass fires. And the parents think it's cute. When parents see a situation where their child might get hurt real bad, they think it's cute. That's why so many parents send their kids to karate. 

Moishie came back to shul on Shabbis with a three-piece suit. Tight. Couldn't breathe. Members started going back to his practice for treatment. He now knows that you tuck in a shirt if you want business. I don't think we will ever see Moishie in comfortable clothing, unless if it's a three-piece sweatsuit.
Though he used to swim for exercise, he swore off swimming, as it's tough to swim with the button-down shirt tucked in.

The rabbi gave a follow-up class to Mr. Feigenblum and His Lack of Success. Belts and How They Hold Up Your Life.

Reading off of phones at ceremonies and memorial services is not allowed anymore. The board discussed it and it takes away from the emotion of people dying. It seemed like the one reading Eugene’s eulogy was scrolling their Facebook.
 
Rabbi and team rightfully are taking credit for this community. To quote the rabbi, “I built the building. I brought the membership. I hired myself.” The people who hired the rabbi agreed. The board is investigating how the shul was built a hundred years ago, when the rabbi has only been here ten.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re having another food drive. If you have anything disgusting, that you want to get rid of, poor people will eat it. We suggested carrots and peas. If you made a mistake purchasing that disgusting mixture, you can donate that. Nobody likes those.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Memorial Service by Treating it Like a Poetry Slam. The History of the Shul- A History of Ten Years. Why Your Mistakes are a Mitzvah to Give to the Needy- And Anything Mrs. Schwartzman Cooks.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
It looks bad when you're looking at your phone for a speech at a funeral.
That truly was the worst funeral I've been to. Eugene's children were looking at their phones the whole time. And that was to pay respects to their father. 
And to be honest, it seemed like they were asking ChatGPT what to say. "Our father was a good man." That's all ChatGPT could give them. Nothing about him being a Tzadik. You would think ChatGPT would give a little more.
And then the Yom Hazikaron ceremony for the fallen soldiers looked messed up with the kids reading off their iPhones. Technology has killed all emotion and sentiment in our community. The only thing people love is scrolling. This whole phone speech for our fallen holy brothers and sisters hurts the moment and the connection. One kid asked Google Gemini if they should cry.
You need paper for meaning. A black sheet for it to be meaningful. I can't cry without seeing a black piece of corrugated paper backing the paper they're reading off. And they should have black paper at funerals too.
Even the unfolding of white paper kills my emotions. Just hearing that tampering. And Eugene's daughter had a white phone, with a hot pink phone cover. When honoring people, at least have a black phone.

Everybody wants credit for everything. There is no appreciation for the past. To quote the president, who got to the shul three years ago, "The shul has only existed for five years." The shul has no history now. Just meaningless Davening off cellphones.
Nobody wanted to argue with the rabbi. So, the history of the shul is now gone.
Somebody must've mentioned that the shul was thriving. That must’ve set off the rabbi, who had just got here ten years ago. Somebody mentioned that the building is a hundred years old. To which the rabbi was shocked, saying, “The oldest person here is only ninety.” No concept of history or celebrating our nation. Our rabbi thinks Israel just popped up out of nowhere.
The rabbi doesn't know much about construction. He's great. But he knows nothing about how long buildings can last. He's still amazed that the Kotel is there. Every time he comes back from Israel, he's giving speeches, amazed, "That Wall has to be at least sixty years old."
They're trying to get rid of old people too. Reading off his phone at the funeral, the shul president said, "Another old person dead." No history in our shul anymore. They’ve decided to get rid of the lifetime seats that people purchased. Nothing is longstanding anymore. Lifetime seats are for seven years. They're working it like Shmitah cycle.
It's this new modern thing where you take credit for everything because ChatGPT said to.
 
That was the most successful food drive. People were so happy to get rid of their carrots and peas. The congregants see those on the supermarket shelves, thinking, "There is no way somebody would put together a combo that doesn't taste good." They've never had British cooking.

I'm still bothered by this new idea of community not being connected to anything that ever was. This credit thing is getting annoying. I like the connection to the past. It gives me a reason. It reminds me that I'm messed up because of other people.
And the rabbi brought the youth to the shul. Like there was never youth. Like Eugene was born eighty-five years old.

The rabbi gave an intensive on how not to look at your phone. The class was held on Zoom. So... everybody was looking at their phones. I'll spell out how messed up our community is.

​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

Misameach Chatan and Kallah, making newlyweds happy, is a great Chesed. Due to the sadness of getting married, having to live with this guy, never getting sleep because of the kids, we have to bring them one last moment of happiness. It's an act of kindness. A Chesed.
Many say it falls under the Mitzvah of “loving one’s neighbor as thyself” (Vayikra 19:18). Which if it were true in my neighborhood, the wedded couple down the block would shut their family up. They would keep quiet and keep their kids off my lawn. And if their neighbors loved them, somebody would have told them to not get married.
I was honest with my nephew at his wedding, as I was shocked to hear it’s my job to make him happy. I told him, “If you need me to be happy, get out of it. You just got married two minutes ago. It won’t get better.”
 
(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 10:5) If one travels over a few days, they say the Tefillat HaDerech prayer every day. For example, if one is traveling to Israel and has to go through every Middle Eastern and European country to get to America. Each day you are in a different country of people who want you dead, you pray for your life.

Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about.
Shmura Matzah is guarded Matzah. It's got to be the security that makes it that much more expensive. And we consider the guarded Matzah more praiseworthy. You don't want anti-Semites attacking your flatbread. 
 
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack, they probably would've left for a LChaim.

Now that Pesach is over, I hope you feel better about spending all of your money on Matzah. I also hope you feel better about that decision to get married. And please don’t leave the sanctuary of the shul for happy hour in the middle of services. Our board did not program that into the prayers.

Announcements
You have to clean your home for Pesach. We also suggest the Pelushkin family clean their house. It’s filthy.

Antisemitism is up, because of things that Iran’s IRGC is doing. It turns out that targeting civilians and murdering your population is wrong. Jews agree with that. Israel agrees with that. Which is why Israel is getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians.
Please tell that to members of the congregation who like to spend time on social media, in order to support hatred of our people.
 
Friendly Rules: You must look at people and greet them. You have to notice people when noticing them. You can’t ask somebody to get up from your seat without saying “Shabbat Shalom” first. Basically, the rules are you can’t be a piece of ----.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Cleaning the Pelushkin Home and Other Jewish Anomalies. How to Blame Israel for What Iran Does - A Gateway to Running a Good Podcast. How to Not Be an Arrogant Piece of ---- With Mr. Finkelman Who Has Mastered the Art of Never Saying “Hi” - Who We Hate.

Rabbi Mendlechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s going to be long. It’s Shabbat Hagadol. The tradition is for me to give a very long speech. Gadol means large. And that refers to the sermon. “The very large sermon”... I don't know what a large speech looks like. It's my job. I have to do it... A big whiteboard. Next year I'll have a large whiteboard with the sermon on it. But for now, it's going to be very long...

(Vayikra 8:1-3) H’ tells Moshe to get Aharon and his children and their clothes, food for the service and oils. “And gather all the people to the Tent of Meeting...” It was the Tent of Meeting. People meet there... This is shul. People are not supposed to talk throughout the Davening. All of services is not a meeting time... You're not saying, "What's about Gd. Haven't seen you for a minute." Whatever a minute is... I have no idea what "a minute" is, Bernie. It might be a year. It's that Jewish big bang theory, that time moved slower back then. Time moves slower when people come to shul... They come late. That's what I was saying.
You gather the people before the service... That’s the problem. You think the Minyin happens, and then you gather. You need to gather to get a Minyin. And you need to not be part of this congregation to enjoy being around Jews.

"All the people." Ramban teaches that H’ wanted the whole nation to see Aharon’s family were chosen to be Kohanim... I know we have programs nowadays that we don't advertise. I don't want to have to see the membership... It wasn't like the Portsman wedding, where nobody wanted to come. There was nobody there because it was a destination wedding... The destination was a miniature golf course. who wants to see that?!
H’ wanted everybody to witness it... So, you wouldn’t complain. You complain about everything. You show up late, you complain. You guys complain every time you miss something. Baruch even wanted to know if we did Shacharit today... Yes. We did it. You missed it. You didn't see it. And you didn't see the cleaning staff cleaning for Pesach. Which is why you thought it's a good idea to eat a cookie in shul. Today. Shabbat HaGadol. Right before Pesach, this guy eats Pepperidge Farm in the hallway. Crumbs everywhere...

Again. Gathering. That's the point. We have to come together first, before we serve Gd... How do you serve H’ as a people and gather later?! Idiots. "I prayed already..." Well, how does that help the Minyin?! Other than Baruch bringing crumbs and ruining Pesach for everybody... They have to come in and clean again... We have to gather the cleaning crew again and retrace everywhere you walked. Like a prePesach Scavenger Baruch Hunt... Point is, it's better if everybody gathered without Baruch...

When you dedicate stuff you prepare right. You make sure everybody is present. That's how they did it for the Tabernacle. Definitely did not do it with the shul's renovations. No preparation... You started the groundbreaking for the new children’s wing with nobody there. It was messed up. I wouldn’t call it a groundbreaking. It was a shul destroying... Groundbreaking with nobody. The preparation had nobody. You didn't even prepare the preparation correctly...
You have to prepare right. You need people. Which is why we don't have a Minyin...

(Vayikra 8:6) “Moshe brought Aharon and his sons and he immersed them in water.” First thing you do is clean them... I don’t know if they smelled like Pinchas. Maybe Moshe didn’t want to deal with a bunch of guys who just got back from the Beis Midrash... Learning Torah doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shower... Is showering Mivatel Torah? Good question. It might be wasting time from learning. You can't learn Torah in the shower. That we know. At least wash your hands. There are laws to wash your hands before learning Torah... Singing Shwekey songs in the shower is Asur. You can't do the Tehillim songs.
The lesson is, you don’t bring people together when they’re dirty. Smelling like... Nobody wants to be around that...

Exactly. It's a Pesach message. You get everybody ready. You clean. You prepare. Buy food. Then you gather all of the people for the holiday... I don't know the exact order. But you do clean. Cleaning is the whole time. You clean when you're buying food and gathering people too... And you serve Gd together. Which is why we need gathering. If I have to keep on explaining this nation thing, I'm going to shoot one of the people. Even if they're part of the nation...

Prepare and gather. Gather and prepare. Be clean. Shower. Don’t fart so everybody has to smell it... Because farts chase away community.

When you consecrate your home. You invite the community. Chanukat Bayit. Dedication of the house... It’s not Chanukah. It's a house dedication. We're speaking of a ceremony... I'm making a point, Bernie. And you should clean your home before you consecrate it...
Your home is filthy for Pesach... We’re not talking Kosher for Pesach. We’re talking filthy for Pesach. Filthy for Pesach is not good... I know. You’ve taken the Halacha of making sure to get rid of Chametz too far, by only focusing on Chametz. You can clean too... You with your "we will not wash the floors." If a dog can't eat it, it's probably a good time to clean that up... If you don't consider the bread that got left behind the oven from three years ago Chametz, that's fine. Clean it for the holiday. And also check behind the oven for Pepperidge Farm chocolate coated cookies. Baruch has a way of spreading those crumbs...
It’s not being a better Jew by showing that your place is still dirty but Kosher for Pesach.
A home must be cleaned for the holidays. To celebrate... 
Rabbi Pelushkin. Our child came back from your home dirty from playing inside. The kids played inside... Our daughter had mud all over her clothes from playing dolls in your home.
You consecrate for the holidays... So, you can celebrate them correctly. If I have to keep explaining. That's the message. You prepare and bring community together. And nobody wants to go to the Pelushkin home in their new holiday clothes...

We come together against antisemitism and members of our shul. May we be freed from antisemitism and the board... I don't know how to consecrate antisemitism. Maybe war.
How we’re getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians and murdering people. It's the members of our shul, on social media, saying they hate Donald Trump... Donald Trump is not Jewish. Stop listening to Candace Owens. She's crazy... And we're still getting blamed for people starving in Gaza who aren't starving. We're getting blamed for people who should be starving but aren't. I think that's the cause now. And it's because of us. Because people want to kill us. So, because people want to kill us, we get blamed for everything.
Who's starving is people who have to buy Pesach food. The cost of that... We should charge the Gazans Pesach food prices...

Finkelman can go to Gehenim. He ruins community. The guy never says "Hi." Does his high head pass... If he did the low head pass, I would say he's an Anav. He's a pious humble man... It all depends on the trajectory of the head. If you pass at a thirty-five-degree neck angle, you're still a community person. Very good question...
Like you’re better. You’re insecure. And you cause antisemitism in the shul. That's what you do, Finkelman...
When walking in shul you have to say "Hi" to people. You can’t be a jerk... You see them. How can you not see them?! You pretended like you didn’t. Because you are insecure...
You said "hello" because you needed them to pass you the Chrein. You wanted horseradish for your fish. Your friendliness only means you need something. Basically, Finkelman has no heart. Would hate to be at his Seder. He probably wouldn't notice. He prepares by ignoring his responsibility to make Charoset...
At least Finkelman doesn't talk during services. He still deserves to be hated. He's not nice to the people who gather. Fart at Finkelman's spot...

Can we consecrate together this Pesach?! As one people with no hatred amongst ourselves and no bad smelling people... I know the three-day Chag with Shabbat is going to be hard. People are going to be smelling bad...

(Vayikra 8:7-10) Then Moshe puts on the priestly clothes and anoints the Tabernacle. But first. Before all this, you make sure the people are gathered and clean... Otherwise, you ruin the priestly clothes. They didn't have a Kohen laundering service. People had to scrub that stuff. And ironing in those days wasn't easy. You had to lift a heavy boulder and smash it on the sash to straighten it.
We have to be holy ourselves. Prepare ourselves. Be a community. Kick Finkelman out... Stone him. Maybe... And maybe then, we can get the Pelushkins to finally clean their home...
I don't know if they're cleaning in Israel right now. It's good you care. You should worry about our people and the bombs, and you should clean.
And please pick up and Pepperidge Farm crumbs...

Pesach is coming. Shower.

Rivka's Rundown
The Pelushkins like to celebrate the holidays in dirt. They feel it's more Biblical that way. 
That's my problem with the Artscroll Chumash. It's too clean. It's not Biblical. A Torah should be the old brown one with the bendy taped on binding.

The rabbi said the congregants were very dirty. He was accusing them of being Chametz. That's how unclean he said Mordy was. He said he had leaven on him.

And the rabbi talked for a very long time. It was a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. And it had something to do with Pesach. I think the message was something about not flatulating on Matzah.
The only Torah the rabbi really shared was that he has to give a long speech.

And truer words have never been spoken. "Farts chase away community." That was a disgusting fart. We smelled it in the women’s section.
How do you respond to that? Do you laugh? Do you leave? Everybody ignored it like nothing happened. All disgusted running from the area, but nothing happened?!
Now the board wants people to own their farts. They had a whole meeting about farts. They now have a flatulence committee. What the committee is trying to enforce now is the logging of farts. They want people to own their farts. And they are finding out that our shul has a bunch of liars. Not one person has taken fart accountability.
It was tough. The rabbi was constantly moving during the sermon. Like the fart was following him. At one point he delivered ten minutes of the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha in the women’s section, on the right side. Half of the shul was huddled there with him. And then the fart made its way over to the right side of the women’s section. So, the rabbi went back up to the Bima lectern. Ten people from the congregation went up with him, as they felt it was the only safe place.
I have never seen the rabbi move that much during a sermon. I’ve never seen a speaker move that much. And that’s even when they’ve let one go. Sometimes speakers use the walking technique to move away from their own flatulence. 
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Now I understand the idea of the programs not being advertised with times and location. The shul runs programs to not see members. Well attended programs with no people. And the rabbi is happy with that. He is doing his job, running programs and he doesn't have to see people at them.

Very correct. Pepperidge Farm cookies make tons of crumbs. Even the skinny ones somehow get crumbs everywhere. Almost as bad as when I bight a Stella D'oro Swiss Fudge.
Fun event idea I just came up with. A Baruch Crumb Crawl around shul. To find all the crumbs before Pesach. A shul Bdikat Chametz event. We don't even need Baruch. We can do it after youth groups, following around the kids of our shul. They don't even need Pepperidge Farm. Dirty little things.

The rabbi told certain members they should shower before Shabbat for peace in the community. Because they smell real bad.
Some of the men think showering is Mivatel Torah (wasting time from Torah learning). They feel they should spend all their free time learning Torah. Being March Madness and now the baseball season, plus all the new series on Amazon Prime and Netflix, there is very little free time to learn Torah.

It’s very hard to be a good Jew. So much self-hating. Especially with the board. Even if you like Jews, you hate the shul board. You’ve got to fight for yourself now.
Why the news doesn’t mention any of this targeting civilians. It seems like it’s fine to target civilians if you’re not American or Israeli. If you're American or Israeli you have to say thank you to the Gazans and Iranians for holding up their children to shoot at them. And it's fine to target Israelis. They're not considered civilians, because they're Jewish. Or Jewish connected, which makes the Israeli Arabs evil too. And Israelis don't target civilians. The only civilians Israel targets are the ones who are in labs, trying to kill us. I'm just so mad about this Jew hatred. And they don't even have a reason. I go to shul. I have a reason to hate Jews.

It wasn't Lashon Hara about Finkelman. Everybody in the shul knows he's a jerk. It was Musar (rebuke). 
I like "you can’t be a piece of ----" rule. You have to greet people and look at them.
The tilt of the head that the rabbi mentioned is very important. The high head hold makes it so much more not friendly. They started using a protractor at the daily Minyin to ensure people were friendly enough to join. If they deem you not friendly, they force you into the pious head angle of humility.
They kicked one guy out whose head didn't align with the ninety-degree angle, during the Aleinu prayer bow. 

The class on how to not be a jerk was well attended. We have a lot of people in our shul that are working on being bigger pieces of ----.
A bunch of jerks. They notice you. And then they go right past you. That’s unless they need something. So, they think you like them, because whenever they need something, you end up smiling.

Over the course of the week, we learned Finkelman has ​glaucoma. He's had trouble seeing the past year or so. We started a Tehillim group for him. We hope his eyesight is back to a hundred percent.