Announcements
We want to apologize for not enough eggs salad and tuna salad at Kiddish. We understand they’re an important staple in our shul and for the Jewish community at large. We know that nobody came to shul the week after the last egg salad two servings for the whole community fiasco. No good Jew has a meal at shul without egg salad. And that includes Shalishudis. It is under investigation. We don't know who the fool is that thought deviled eggs was a good idea. We apologize for that faux-pa. We are kicking them off the Kiddish crew. Again. We are deeply sorry for the lack of egg salad. We don't have anybody who can Layn the Parsha this week. If you know how to read the Torah portion, please let us know. We are going to make a shul family tree. We want to honor the shul with it, so please leave out anybody from the Pintzkowitz Mishpuchi. Also leave out anyone related to any man that Davens in the back left of the shul. The rabbi made it clear that he wants to forget them. Michelle and Mike purchased an apartment in Israel. We want to wish them a Mazel Tov on their view. We hope to not see them in shul anymore. Contemporary Halacha classes are also classes about Halacha. Halacha hasn't changed. The laws have remained the same, even if you drive to shul on Shabbis. You are still sinning. Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Importance of Egg Salad in Shul and Hiding the Taste of Simi’s Choolent Which Nobody Likes. Laws of Israel and How a View Can Be So Beautiful and An Apartment So Ugly. Why You Don’t Have a Family Tree And Why Your Family Doesn't Visit You. What is Contemporary Halacha and Why You Haven't Shown Up To Contemporary Halacha Classes Yet. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... And they quarreled over wells. A lot of well quarreling... Well. They quarreled. How did it start? It didn’t start because Rebecca pulled Sarah Freida’s hair. We will ask the youth director to do something about that... She has done nothing since taking over the job... Well stop the fighting at least. Aren't groups supposed to be going on now? Why you’re in for the sermon is an anomaly. You’re the youth director... Rebecca is not an anti-Semite, even though Sarah Freida sounds more religious. Sarah Freida a more religious name. The double name makes her more religious. The more names... How did it start? (Bereishit 26:13-14) Yitzchak moves back to the Gerar Philistines area and he became great. “until he was very great.” Not like our Gabai who has just put on a lot of weight. “And there was to him flocks and herds, and a lot of business, and the Philistines became jealous.” Jealousy. Jealous of someone else's success. Where all problems start... Jealousy is forbidden, Bernie. Even if you don't like the rabbi. (Bereishit 26:15) So, they stopped up the wells dug by Avraham's servants. Kind of like the time they took away my parking spot, and then put cones there saying, “It’s dangerous to park here.” This is what jealousy does. It destroys. It ruins even stuff that's good for you. In our shul, it leads to bigger hats in the women’s section... Are you trying to protect your kids from the snow with that thing? I think it’s forbidden to wear that thing on Shabbis. It's a tent. The Philistines stopped up Avraham’s wells. They even violated Avimelech’s covenant (Rashi). Due to this jealousy, they lost a sense of their values. Kind of like when we left Gaza and they decided to destroy the green houses. Are you idiots?! It is just like when I left the shul for a Shabbis and the Gabai gave the sermon. Just like the Chazin when he sings. You all ruin everything. You destroy the enjoyment of shul... You wanted it, and now you don’t have it, because you destroyed it. Real smart. They couldn’t take the wells going back to Yitzchak. The rightful heir to the wells When there is jealousy you violate tradition. You violate values. You violate agreements. And then you have a board that can't give a rabbi a raise. Halacha doesn’t change with jealousy or wealth... But we will take your donations... It’s Halacha. Why does it have to change because we have Bernie in the shul?! I feel like the laws change when it comes to Shaindel’s new hats store... Shaindel’s Heimish Hats will not sell in Topeka. The hats wouldn't sell in New York. Heimish does not go with style. "Oy! What a Gevalt Fedora. It's Mamish Heimish." Nobody is paying for that, unless if it's a side dish. "Oy! What a Gevalt tuna salad. It's Mamish Heimish." I'm paying ninety dollars for that deluxe Mamish tuna. Just call it Shaindel's huge hats... You can't sell them in shul. We had an agreement that people would not block other people's views of me with their hats... Ancestry is important. Offspring? We can see in our congregation that it’s not always a blessing. Have you seen junior congregation?! And that is what quarreling and jealousy looks like... I told our youth director to call every one of them up to the Torah when they do the fake Layning at junior congregation. If not, there will be fights... Well, they learn from their parents. Jealousy over Aliyahs. And now we have to buy a new Torah. 45K in the hole, because jealousy caused Torah rippage... Max. You attacked the Gabai and knocked over the Bar Mitzvah boy's cousin, who was doing Galilah... It is this jealousy that causes things to get ruined. Like Kiddish this week, where there's no egg salad. Without egg salad you don’t have Kiddish. You can call it "a depressing post service non-Heimish conversation with Bernie and Ethel." Not Kiddish... Egg salad is the condiment and main of choice at Kiddish... Your choolent is disgusting without egg salad... Deviled eggs?! No. Deviled eggs are not egg salad. They're the devil's eggs because they keep people from coming to shul... And now Michelle and Mike are talking about their view in Israel. Trying to make people jealous... Always a view. In Israel, you’re always showing off your view. Because the inside of the house is disgusting. "Look at my view. From my house, you can look out and see something really nice." The Philistines would've blocked the view... When you don't have appreciation, you do stupid stuff, like stopping up wells and overflowing the toilets... It was clogged already, Bernie. Like Rav Dessler teaches, you can't have jealousy and takers, and then appreciation. They can't coexist. And this is how you end up with no egg salad. Like the Philistines. Jealousy affects our heritage. It destroys people. And then you end up with the president of our board. It ends up being a Kiddish with no egg salad. And Rebecca hitting people for Oreos. Pulling out hair... And that is Halacha. Rivka's Rundown Exactly. A Kiddish with no egg salad. Says it all. Not much more to say. The rabbi made it clear that the Philistines are not Palestinians. Though Abbas said they are also descendants of Arafat. Very true. The more names you have makes you more religious. That includes parents' names with a Ben or Bat before them. If your name is Rebecca, you better have a mother with at least four names to get a good Frum Shidduch out of high school. Rebecca Bat Freida Blima Shaindel Bracha. Nobody showed up to the Why You Haven't Shown Up to Contemporary Halcha Class Yet Halacha class. I am guessing they didn't know why they didn't show up to that class either. Little Rebecca is crazy. She hates all Jews. At least it looks like that at junior congregation. The rabbi is correct. The youth should not be in for the sermon. There are enough grownups there that can’t pay attention for the forty minute sermons. The rabbi was saying the youth should be at youth groups. Makes sense. They're youth groups. Though, I have a feeling our new youth director took them into the sermon for safety. She figured Rebecca wouldn't pull hair in front of the Aron Kodesh. But she was wrong. Rebecca pulled out a chunk of Sarah Freida's head. After the rabbi said, "And that's Halacha," eight men jumped on Rebecca, to keep her from attacking anybody else, and to stop the possible idol worship ritual. Since when did big hats become something people get jealous of? I’m 100% with the rabbi. Yiddish does not match style. You can’t be posh and speak Yiddish. No French designer is out there selling Heimish clothes. You sell Heimish food. And that means egg salad. Heimish egg salad. Sheindel is also not a designer name for anybody not selling nightgowns and Tichels. Nothing was mentioned about Thanksgiving in the rabbi's sermon. I think he was extremely not happy to see all of the families visiting. Anything he was thankful for was overshadowed by the congregation. Most rabbis say, "It's great to see the children and the grandchildren." Our rabbi just gave a look of unhappiness and talked about stopping up wells. The rabbi considers congregants to be offspring. Therefore, offspring is not good. Offspring of who? Probably bad people. The Message as I Understood It: Ancestors are good. Grandparents messed up. So grandparents are bad. Grandparents are not ancestors. Ancestors are at least three generation ago, according to our rabbi. The shul family tree did not work out. It turns out that even though the Chachkin cousins married each other, the rest of the shul is not family. It also turns out people don't even know their parent's names for Yarhzeits. Calling up Aliyahs to the Torah sometimes takes fifteen minutes before somebody remembers the guy's father's name. Last week we had to help Steve. It took forty minutes before anybody could figure out the name of the guy who owned the corner store. That was Steve's dad. By the time they found out his name most of the congregants thought the sermon was over. That was a tricky move in the announcements. There was no egg salad. That was going to keep people from coming to shul, until they found out that there was no one to read the Torah and they could get out early, due to the lack of our membership's commitment to Mitzvahs. What kind of fools don’t put out egg salad at Kiddish?! One woman said, "Chumus is good too." Yes. If you’re having falafel. Which they serve anytime we have something going on that has anything to do with Israel. They had falafel on Israeli pizza night. I agree with the rabbi and the board that deviled eggs are not enjoyable. Paprika has to be mixed in for eggs to taste good. With all that paprika on top, it's too dusty. I feel bad for Maxine. Maxine made deviled eggs because Cheryl was saying, "No more egg salad." She thought she was doing the next best thing. Now she's going to have to do her cooking at home, and that costs more money. Purchasing a view is not a good idea on the money front. You get there and you start to think you should've bought your neighbor's house. The good one. “Look outside my house. Now that is nice. My neighbors. Now, that's a nice house.” Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYera11/17/2024
Announcements
Mazel Tov to the Kornbluth family on the worst Bris. No onions were provided. Nobody enjoyed the bagels. From now on, anybody who hosts a Simcha with bagels must provide onions. The rabbi had to take the Mohel back to his place to cut up some onions. Mohels should not be cutting onions... Tomatoes are optional. Lox may be served without tomatoes. We are very proud of our shul programming. We have another speaker coming next week. We ask that people stop trying to be creative and we stick to speakers. There’s no reason for a games night if you don’t have a speaker at it. Our programming focus is speakers. Bingo lost money again. We’re the only shul who loses money at Bingo. We ask the volunteers sell the snacks, and not eat them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Not Bless Your Son by Not Providing Onions for the Lox. How to Ruin a Program with a Speech. How to Make Money off Bingo and Not Report it Like The Pintzkowitzs. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The angels come to destroy Sedom and the Sedomites want to "know them"... This is why I was very skeptical when Merv and Ethel invited us over for dinner when I first started as rabbi... We’ve all been there. Lot offers his daughters. That’s how messed up Lot's family was. Imagine the Hershblooms. They were even worse than the Hershblooms... (Bereishit 19:13) The angels tell Lot to get out of Sedom with his family. ‘For we are destroying this place, for their outcry (their screams) have become great before H’...’ What is the outcry? They were out of control. Were they loving it? Were they not? It’s hard to tell the difference between partying and crying when it’s immoral. When you have a shul that has no idea how to run a Bingo night... When you hear screaming coming from junior congregation, you have no idea what it means. Is it that they're playing paper football, or is Shayna's hair getting pulled out again... Your son is an animal, Baruch. I don't know what you do at home, but I am sure stuff is getting destroyed. His son-in-law mocks it. (Bereishit 19:14) ‘He was like a a guy making jokes in the eyes of his son-in-law.’ No. I’m not making jokes now, Bernie. His son-in-law influenced by Sedeom. He couldn’t see the evil. Kind of like the same way the congregants are influenced by the board... They have no idea what Torah is. Ethel. They think it's a corporation... There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. You don't serve lox without onions. Who eats lox without onions?... Of course you need cream cheese and lox. But it means nothing without onions. And no eggs??? It was a bagel nightmare... And what do tomatoes do? Exactly. Nothing. Onions. Always have onions... Not whole onions. You don’t put a whole onion on a bagel. Got to cut them... When you’re around poor Kiddishes and a town that doesn’t have a decent caterer, you forget. You think that is normal. You want to scream at the immorality... Now you’re bringing up cream cheese again??? Is that even a question. What? Are you going to put butter on the bagel with lox?! The board decided on speakers. They’ve decided that people like to listen to people speak... Excuse me Bernie. I’m speaking right now... You have no idea what Victor from Israel talked about. He was a speaker. He didn't talk... The whole time Victor was focused on the meet and greet and how there were bagels and lox, but no onions. It’s like you want to scream. You want to scream when you don’t get onions. When you have to listen to another speaker, you want to scream. You want to scream when you’re the only shul that can’t make profit on Bingo.... Who loses money at Bingo... Then stop eating the snacks. Sell them. I don't know if people are screaming because they won, or because they lost 12 thousand dollars. And now they can't pay their mortgage... I don't know why people in shul can't pay their dues. Are you guys going to church Bingo?... It's all immoral. We can’t let this be the shul normal. There is a huge outcry and we don’t even hear it, because the Chazin is so loud... The angels tell Lot to leave. Lot doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go too far. (Bereishit 19:18-20) He wants to go to a lesser bad Sedom city. When you’re in a bad place, you want to stay. You don’t realize it. When you're at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, you want to scream. The membership. The board. The Chazin... Pirkei Avot (1:17) 'Distance yourself from a bad neighbor. And don't become friends with an evil person.' Which is why I am not friends with my congregants. We learn to find a moral place and be there. Find your morality and keep it... I'm here to teach. It's a mission. I'm trying to help you get out... It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to see the bad. You hear the screams and you think it's only kids gouging out eyes. We know junior congregation is scary and no parent wants to be there. Kids yelling. There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. But you still go to the Bris, because you don't know any better. It becomes normal. The yelling. The madness. The anger over having lox with tomatoes and no onions just, you accept your fate... This place is out of control. We must have control to keep the morality. To keep bringing in speakers. To have a well-run Bingo night. To ensure there are onions for the lox. Keep your moral integrity and decent bagels. Baruch's son has destroyed the building again. He's yelling and out of control. And now all the little girls and boys are crying... Whether if it's for extreme pleasure or for extreme pain, either way, screaming is a concern. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was telling the shul that they had bagels with no lox and no onions in Sedom. That is where all went wrong. He equated having no onions with the need for destruction of a people. The rabbi literally yelled the whole sermon to get across his point that you can't sleep during his sermons.The board has been bad for so long, they are messed up. The rabbi was saying to destroy them. What's a scream? That's a great question. And I appreciate the rabbi dealing with it very loudly. When Bernie yells out during the rabbi's sermon, we know what that is. That's disruption. I believe the rabbi said junior congregation is a bigger curse than the board. He did say that at least they're not in shul itself. To quote, 'Keep kids out of shul. I am already dealing with Bernie.' Finally, the rabbi approached the onion issue. I just left the Kornbluth Bris. I saw there were no onions. I went home and had cereal. It was very disappointing. After all of those Brachas for the newborn child and the cutting, to have no onions and no eggs. A shanda. Everything is a speaker. You can’t have a program without a speaker. That’s the big thing. A speaker and 5k. You get a speaker, you pay a lot and it’s a shul program. It allows people to say they went to a speaker. They never have anything to say about the speaker, because they fell asleep. People will pay a lot for a good nap, if the person is famous. The rabbi started handing out tests after the speakers. He even kicked out a member who scored a 30 on the test. It was my friend Malkie. She didn’t even know the guy was talking about medical ethics. She fell asleep as soon as he started talking about comas. I think I'm going to change my profession to a speaker. I can talk about how the rabbi is right. I'm sure the rabbi will dip into his discretionary fund for me. Most of the people in our shul are talkers. Nobody likes talkers. They like speakers. Bingo has been pathetic. I think it’s the volunteering. Our membership hears that word and they run. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Lech Lecha11/10/2024
Announcements
Hoarding in our community must stop. All of your stuff ends up at the shul. The fire department stopped by and blamed the rabbi for being a hoarder, because the Horvitz family dropped off a truckload of clothes. The shul is not Goodwill. We ask you pay your dues with money you have. Bounced checks don’t count as payment. Trying is not appreciated. We understand it’s school tax season. We ask you pay dues as another tax write-off. If it's a tax write-off some of you might pay it. Bingo volunteers should not be playing Bingo. It looks rigged when the ones calling are winning. We are losing customers, due to seeing the ushers hand winnings to themselves. If you’re winning and you’re the one bringing the cards to the game, it comes off wrong. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Care About People so Your Shul Doesn’t Turn into a Goodwill, Chas vShalom. How to Get Written Off By the Shul by Not Paying Your Dues. How to Make it Look Like the Bingo Game is Rigged, with Bracha. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 13:5-8) The land couldn’t support the flocks and cattle of both Avraham and Lot. ‘And the land couldn’t support their living together, for their possessions were much and they couldn’t dwell together.’ Sounds like Jim and Bracha. Their marriage... You guys are hoarders. When you can’t live with somebody else’s wealth, you can’t live with them, and this congregation has absolutely no money. At least the congregants give nothing to Tzedakah. I think we’re only together because nobody gives anything to the shul. The community bonds by not donating anything useful to the shul. By not helping... Ever seen the sisterhood?! Helping leads to fights. And there was a fight between their herdsmen. What are you going to fight over? Who was less helpful to the congregation. Success did not allow for them to live in peace. Success separates families. Wealth pulls families apart. It definitely hasn’t stopped people from coming to shul, who don’t pay dues. It doesn’t stop them from coming to shul and not sponsoring Kiddish. Did you ever notice how annoying rich people are?!... Poor people are annoying too. We have a lot of them in our shul. So they separate. All should be good. Lot chooses the planes of the Yarden. Beautiful land. But again, great land means nothing without the right people. Lot encamped all the way down in Sedom. (13:13) ‘Now the people of Sedom were wicked and sinners before H’, exceedingly.’ And we know what happens there. Kind of like the board that ruined a great Bingo night. Could’ve been a great thing for our shul, like Beit Knessed Ashirut vSimcha. They run a great Bingo night, because Samantha is not running their board... Again, Lot ends up not doing well... Choosing based on money and living for financial success just leads to strife and bad relationships. Bad relationships with a yacht. Would we rather have wealthy or poor congregants? Good question. Let’s start with congregants. Those are annoying. I'm thinking of giving them a choice to go to East Topeka. I'll go west... You give the worst donations. Instead of giving of your wealth to charity, you dump stuff on the shul... Your old set of Monopoly is not a donation... It's missing the railroad cards and the thimble piece. Everybody wants to be the thimble... Your set of Monopoly will ruin junior congregation. And those kids don't give money either... Throw it out. Why is it that the shul is your warehouse? We understand you collect doll heads. Those scare kids. And I can't stand junior congregation too. If it’s valuable, why are you dropping it off at shul? You’ve never given anything valuable to this congregation... Your Davening is not appreciated. No value. That is not a donation... Your check bounced... Your note that the shul should cover school taxes. Why are we to pay for school taxes?... It’s not all about money. It’s about what you do with money, your relationships... I don’t like people either... I am sorry if you don’t have enough money to pay school taxes. Maybe this shul isn’t for you. Shul taxes. We're going to start charging shul taxes. We must support the shul. Not to fight over the shul having money... We don't have money. You don't pay your dues. All we have is Bingo... It’s not gambling. It’s Bingo. There aren't enough people supporting the gambling in our shul. Other shuls are drawing so many more people to Bingo because they have good callers. You're bringing up stories of your ancestors in Odessa. It's 'O-63.' Just say 'O-63.' You don't have to go, 'O, as in Odessa. Where I come from. My family immigrated...' We’ll never be successful if the volunteers are winning. You called the game and said, ‘The winner is me.’ Bracha. You took the money out of your hand, showed it to everybody. Then, put it in your pocket... They all knew about you winning. You waved the money and smiled and did a leg kick on your jump... You even started singing, 'I'm in the money... I've got a lot of cash to help me get along.' And the Bingo players were asking how you won without a card... We would be more successful if one of the card sellers went to one side and the other went the other way. Sometimes, separating does do good for a community... The problem is this community is like Sedom and Amorah. They also never donated to shul. If we just had the issues of boundaries with money... Our issues of boundaries are our congregants over-bothering the rabbi. Sometimes in life you go to your destiny. Other times in life you get away from wealthy people. And other times in life, you have to deal with congregants that offer nothing to the shul. Congregants that are so against money that they won’t pay their dues or help at Bingo... I feel like H’ is telling me that there is a whole land of amazing congregations and I should go and choose one... May we be Zoyche to more fights and congregants that are useful. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi made a great argument for focusing on wealth to keep people away. To quote Zahava, ‘If my wealth keeps people away, and I don’t have to talk to them at Kiddish, because I have money, I’m happy.’ Zahava isn’t wealthy, but she has learned to keep people away while she’s eating kugel. She has even found a way to get out of showing up to family events, like Lot, by sending big gifts. I think the rabbi just said everybody is annoying. That was his message. You want to pull a family apart, leave your kids money. Save up money and don't write a will, and your kids will hate each other. Again, separating family. It separated mine. And now, I don't get invited to half the Simchas. I save on gifts. Being poor doesn't hurt, as long as somebody wealthy separates you. The rabbi made it very clear. He only wants congregants with money. But they shouldn’t focus on money. They should give it to the shul. The shul is not Goodwill. It turns out, the shul doesn't care about people, especially those in need. If somebody is in need and can pay full membership, they might care. The fact that there was a 'Chas vShalom' added to the rabbi's class about giving to people, a strong 'Gd forbid,' expresses the importance of community and keeping people out. People still drop off their junk at shul. They say it’s not junk. But when they drop it off, we know it is. We've even had people come to pick up a 1960s Barbie they dropped off by accident. They felt bad the shul might make money off it. They drop it off and say it’s something the shul can use. Who makes that decision over a bike tire that went flat?! We need another committee for taking people’s junk. The fact that Simmie thought his Davening was him giving to the shul is the real issue. If you wonder why people can't stand Simmie, it has nothing to do with his wealth. The shul is to blame for school taxes. Why? Because they ask for dues at the same time the town is collecting school taxes. School, Shul, they sound the same. Not a shocker. They all want our money. The key is tax write-offs. People need to hear that. They feel like they save money when they hear write-off. Anything with write-off makes them happy. Ethel Berman wrote-off her brother. Now they don't talk, and she is happy. Everything should be a tax write-off. Our congregants would spend a lot more. The board decided that next year's Yizkur Appeal will have 'Tax Write-off' written on it. The rabbi is more worried about people showing up to Bingo than Shabbat morning Shacharit. He said Bingo is not gambling but a game. To quote, 'It's a game where everybody loses and the shul wins.' It turns out Simcha knows that I-23 and G-57 are weighted. Weighted Bingo balls should be forbidden, as weighted measurements. For some reason, nobody in the congregation has said anything about the weighted balls. And Bracha is fine with it. The rabbi ended his sermon by blessing everybody with wealth, and that their family should hate them. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Noach11/4/2024
Announcements
The rabbi has called off the shul casino night fundraiser. He feels it will be too much fun, and that it is Asur. The rabbi also said it’s forbidden because the other half of the shul that doesn’t golf, spends half their week at the casino and hasn’t pay their dues. The holidays are over. We ask all parents to stop yelling in shul. Candy violence must stop. One of our very own children got taken to the emergency room the other day due to a Bat Mitzvah injury over Parshat Bereishit. It was after Simchat Torah, which is a very dangerous holiday due to candy. Parents somehow think it's safe to hurl candy around children at shul. The X-ray showed five boxes of Jelly Bells, three large Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, with a Laffy Taffy in her spleen, due to attack for wanting a Sunkist Fruit Gem. The Laffy Taffy was wedged in there, due to the child competing for a Sunkist gem. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose All of Your Money at Shul and Not a Casino. How to Abuse Your Children Like the Horwitz Mishpuchi Who are Yellers. How to Violently Attack Somebody Who Has Pez or Anything Paskesz. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drashas Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 6:11-12) ‘And the earth became corrupt before Gd, and the earth became full of robbery (Chamas).’ And you haven’t paid your dues... Of course it was before Gd. Who else would it be before?... Yes. It was before 1985... They must've had a board. Good question. I'm sure the president is siphoning funds. I definitely haven't received a raise in a while... And right after this robbery, it says, ‘And Gd saw the earth and behold it was corrupted.’ Corrupted here the same root as the word ‘destroyed.’ Shachat... I used the Hebrew there so you can understand that your rabbi knows a lot. He went to Ulpan... Chamas. Robbery. Stealing is what destroyed the world. I will not get into reserved seats during the High Holidays... It is stealing, even if you sit in that seat the rest of the year. R’ Hirsch presents the Midrash that they stole from one another in little ways that were not subject to authority. This kind of thievery is morally damaging, as thievery within the letter of the law weakens our conscience and corrupts our social makeup. Like the board. Ruining the makeup of our shul. It's that little thievery, like the congregants who steal my time. Morally damaging society with their dumb questions... It's the stuff that looks legal. Kind of like the way you guys don’t pay for your Mishebeyrachs... When you make us sit through fifty of your first cousins in blessing form, plus the Gabai of the shul, you have to pay for that. To not pay is what destroys the world. As do your cousins. The pain they put is through with your blessing them. When you pull out that list of sixty Ben Moshes, you're weakening the conscience of our congregation... People stopped showing up because of you and your Mishebeyrach list, Sam... Casinos are destroying our society. Topeka is being destroyed by the thievery of the casinos. And they cause our members to not pay dues. And this destruction has led our board to wanting to host a casino night... A fundraiser?! You're destroying our congregation. You know the roof has a leak. Might turn into a flood... Casino night? You mean gambling in the shul??? Zecharia. You’re an addict. You think slot machines work... I didn't say alcohol was better. Though, there would be more of a chance you would pay your dues... Ever made the same mistake 300 times. Here’s Zack... You haven’t paid your dues This isn’t Gamblers Anonymous. What you share with the rabbi does not fall under HIPAA. I’m here helping you. Telling the shul we shouldn’t have casino night because of you and the other 75% of the congregation that’s addicted to gambling and losing their paycheck to a panda... Chamas is thievery. Chamas owns casinos... I’ll bet the owners of these casinos aren’t paying their dues. How much are we betting on that?! And this destruction leads to corruption and anger. It leads to getting ripped off by my mechanic. It just seems like you use the holidays to get mad at your kids. Take out your addictions... I heard you yelling at your Sukkah. It’s a Sukkah. It’s supposed to be a joy. You building it with your son is messed up. I have never heard a dad berate their twelve year old child for not being a good construction worker, due to their lack of ability to slip a rod through a hole in a sheet... Your wall is bedding and you're screaming at the kid for not knowing how to build. That's not even good Chinuch... Your destruction and thievery kills the Sukkah. How hard is it? You’re making a dwelling out of linen... You steal in little ways, like pile driving the head of a six year old for a Sunkist Fruit Gem... That is stealing. And quite Frankly, Frank, your child is an animal. It was a Fruit Gem. Not even a Laffy Taffy... The candies. You’re the only parents that let your kids eat candy in five gallon bags... Like you’re hoping they get sick. Your kids at Simchat Torah were on the floor jumping for candy the whole time. A few kids were praying to a KitKat... The violence was worse than the Pitkins Park jungle gym. Stealing swings... You wouldn't survive there Heather. Those kids would've stolen your spot on the slide... A Twizzler. It was a Twizzler. It didn't have to end that way... And who throws Twizzlers?... You took it out of box. It wasn't even individually wrapped. Twizzlers are dangerous. They're like little whips. You think it's safe to throw candy around children??? Your kid pile drived his knee into her for a Fruit Gem. Candy is violent. And quite dangerous. It's Chamas... I understand the board came up with a rule that no sucking candies are allowed, due to accidental swallowage. However, Sunkist Fruit Gem attacks, and an unwitting child's not understanding that they must give up their Paskesz to Yankel, causes much more physical harm... A pile driver!!! Shul violence must stop. There is no need to stab a child with a Laffy Taffy. And what’s the result of all of this corruption, thievery and candies? (Bereishit 7:21-22) ‘All that have the spirit of life in his nostrils, from all that was on dry land, died.’ Death. Is that what you want? Death by sweets?! That’s what Laffy Taffy can do. When little kids steal Hot Tamales... And casino night kills shuls... Because you guys end up worshiping the craps table. And then the board pit bosses steals all your money... No. I did not curse there. Though, that’s what people say when they play craps. It's the small acts of sin and communal destruction that breaks down our society and kills the world, like our board. It's the bad jokes Merv tells at Kiddish... Yeah. The Torah lets us know that thievery kills a bunch in our Parsha... Because it corrupts, like football, when you don’t show up to Minyin and bet your mortgage on it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi equated not paying dues with stealing and trying to kill people. He then equated gambling with Chamas. Which makes sense. Chamas was probably running underground casinos in Gaza. And then he considered Pez dispensers to be Chamas. How that was thievery. Maybe it’s how expensive they are. Between us. I’ve choked on Pez before. That stuff turns into sugar dust before you know it, and you're inhaling it. One guy thought he was saying Chumus. I would rather have good Chumus than candy. Chumus does not destroy the world. Chumus brings the world together. The rabbi stayed away from equating Chamas with Chamas. He thought the Chumus joke was more valuable than relating the Parsha to what we’re going through in our times. So this is why the rabbi shares everything you tell him. He says it’s not HIPAA. The board thought the casino night fundraiser was a good idea. They figured that with all the addicts, this was the only way they would get their money. They figured with Zecharia, he would stay away from the Witchatanqua Casino and give the money to the shul. The shul needs the funds. If they can get the money through the back way, the board decided they should do that. The rabbi actually bet Zecharia as to whether or not casinos are bad, and if there'll be a gambling night at shul. The board voted this week. Decided that the only way to get people to come to shul was to have a casino in it. They're bringing it to court to allow for a casino. They feel they can do better than Bingo if they have slots and card tables. Bingo has been the one constant in our shul. Some feel Torah reading is important. Most of the board feels Bingo is more important. To quote Pirkei Avot 'If there is no Bingo there is no Torah.' Sukkah building in our community has been disallowed by family services. A social worker has to show up to ensure the dad does not overly berate the child for hanging a sheet wrong. The Horwitzs are screamers. And I believe they are not allowed into junior congregation without a police escort. The shul president gave a very passionate speech about candy violence, and the importance of gambling. Kids are violent. At the parks too. With the swing-sets, slides and monkey-bar fights, it is more dangerous than Frank's kids around a Laffy Taffy. If they had candy being thrown at the jungle gym the rabbi would forbid slides. He already forbade candies being thrown in bouncy houses. One kid in our shul took a hockey stick and slashed another kid so he could get a spot at the foosball table, and there was no candy on the table. Though, I think they were playing with a Jawbreaker. The rabbi is correct, these little forms of stealing people's spots destroys the world. I can tell you, I want to shoot the guy who cut me at Carvel, wehn I was going for soft serve the other day. Note: Jawbreakers sound violent. And they are, especially when one of Frank's kids throws them to get fruit gem. Due to the use our children have found for Laffy Taffy, the prison warden banned all candy of gooey substance from the commissary. Against the rabbi's ruling, the congregants brought in card tables and slot machines, and Sunkist Fruit Gems. They even bet on cornhole and the little basketball hoop competition. Foosball, they just threw Jawbreakers at each other. It was the most attended event in shul history. Everybody skipped the casino that night. Tags:
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From now on, we will be singing Acheinu at the end of every service, in honor of the loved ones of Israel we lost the past year and the Achdut (unity of our people). They should have an Aliyat Nishama. We ask that out of respect for the fallen that none of our congregants harmonize. We understand that many congregants are mad they will not have as much time to golf, due to the singing. Even so, we do expect that the extra prayers will help with your game. We ask Bernie to not pray for rain. We have a feeling his prayers are not answered. Ever since he prayed for Rachel to get better, and her cough turned into a tumor, we don’t appreciate his prayers. We lost members because of the Yizkur appeal. They said they’re never coming again on Yom Kippur due to these surprise chargers. To quote, 'Our parents would be rolling over in their grave if they knew the shul was still collecting pledges from them.' Sukkot decorating this Monday is open to kids of all ages. That means under eighteen. Over eighteen people are scary. The Felsenblums love each other. You could see that love when he handed her the Lulav and Etrog over the Mechitza. True love. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Sing Acheinu Right and Not Ruin a Good Song Like the Back Left of Our Shul. Yizkur Appeals and How Your Loved Ones Go Up To Heaven When You Give the Shul More Money. How We Suffered a Drought Because of Bernie's Off-key Singing. How to Purchase Sukkot Decorations When You're Over Forty: How Not to Scare Children By Making Paper-plate Pomegranates with Them as an Old Person. The Love of a Religious Couple: How an Etrog Saved a Marriage. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Our hearts go out to all the families and the loved ones we lost in the tragedy last Simchat Torah... It goes from vZot HaBracha into Bereishit... I know it's painful. Right after, that Shabbat, we read another Parsah. I know it’s a lot. I have to deal with the Chazin too. We all feel the pain... I have no idea what (Devarim 33:13-17) ‘and with the bounty of the moon’s yield, with the quick ripening crops of the early mountains...’ I have no idea what early mountains mean. I don't know if mountains get sleep. I'm not a geomorphologist. Maybe it has something to do with people going to early Minyin not needing to waste their whole day hearing a Chazin go off on some harmony, or a Torah reader Layner guy who still sounds like he's reading his Bar Mitzvah Parsha. The early mountain guy gets gets to go to work, because he doesn't have to hear the people in our shul... No. I don't know what the moon yields. I do know that Yosef’s kin receive blessings of prosperous land, as he was separated and he gets that ‘crown’... You’ve done nothing, which is why you live in a shack and your grass is dried out... Simeone. You grow dried fruit. It’s because of ancestry. That’s why your kids get no blessings... It's because of you. Moshe doesn’t mention wives in the blessings. He’s talking about the nation... You need a wife. When it comes to the individual not messing up and getting decent land, you need somebody telling you you messed up. The wife keeps you on the moral path... People would've thought it was a curse if Moshe brought the wives into it... (Bereishit 2:20) Adam names all the animals, ‘but for Adam he didn’t find a helper against him.’ Somebody against him to tell him he messed up... Problem is man was naming all the other animals, thinking about them, but he had nobody to think about him. Nobody giving him a name. With a wife, you have somebody to tell you you're a Yutz... I understand there is a lot going on this weekend. Calm down. It's sermon time. (Bereishit 2:25) ‘And they were both naked, man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.’ They weren't as out of shape as our membership. It is because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge, Etz HaDaat, they realized they were naked. And B"H. I wouldn't want to see the back left of this shul without clothes... I would've realized you were naked. So out of shape. When you have knowledge, you realize you don't want to see Louis without a shirt. You know that much... I'm not going back to the JCC pool because of you. That's why you need a wife, Chaim. You have no style. You'd be better off naked. I don't know who would've eaten from the Etz HaDaat. If you did, you would've realized how off you are. How off your singing is. You would've realized the Yutziness of this congregation. The nakedness of your moral aptitude. Singing Acheinu is beautiful. It had me crying... It’s the swaying. The melody. Singing it with you guys off-tune just brings tears to my eyes... Partially because I’m thinking about our Jewish people. The ones I like. The harmony is wrong. Your singing is the antithesis of brotherhood. Your singing Acheinu is pulling our people apart... We do ask our congregants don’t pray for the nation... Bernie. Your prayers are a curse. It’s like a curse when you say Tehillim. H’ does the opposite... And you still haven't paid your appeal card pledge... Sukkot is already over... Of course we do it on the holidays. It’s an appeal. It’s a High Holiday appeal. It’s tradition... You can’t appeal the appeal... You pay dues and then the appeal... If the wives of this shul would just tell your all how messed up you are... That's why I have to do it. Even eighteen year olds showing up to Sukkah decorating is weird. There are seven year olds there... No. You shouldn't be coloring paper plates past high school. It’s for kids Bernie. You’re not a kid. You’re ninety years old.... Feeling like a kids does not make you a kid. It makes you creepy. Seeing you cutting out a paper chain is creepy. Seeing you in a swimsuit is creepy. Hearing you praying to H' is scary... That’s true love. Handing your wife an Etrog over the Mechitzah is romance... Saving money is romantic. Buying two Lulavs and Etrogs is not... Buying extra beds and extra fridges is not romance. Sharing is. Well Mordy. How do you express your love?... Passing your child over the Mechitzah is not love. That's you trying to get rid of the thing. Passing an appeal card is also not love... We understand you don't want to pay the pledges. You haven't paid your dues... (Bereishit 3:6-7) They ate of the true of good and bad. ‘Their eyes were open and they knew they were naked.’ If anybody here was smart, they'd realize they haven't paid their pledges... It might have been an Etrog. How would I know?! It was probably ginger. That stuff wakes you up... And if you have the wrong wife, you’ll make dumb decisions and eat from the one messed up tree. In all of the garden, you’ll be eating the only fruit that aren’t ripe. It will be like you're eating from Simeone's garden... I know you take pride in it. The shriveled up fruit... No. Wear clothes. Wear clothes but be pure. Marry a woman who is pure... Our nation is still mourning the loss of this past year and Mark is worried about getting in an extra round of golf... So, like Adam, make sure you marry well, unlike Marleen who married Rich, and enjoy the correct blessings of the land. Marry somebody you want to pass your Lulav and Etrog to over the Mechitzah. Somebody who well help you decorate a Sukkah normally. Not like Bernie, who thinks it’s decorative to put streamers and pomegranates on a walker. Somebody you’ll want to sing Acheinu with... Rivka's Rundown How the rabbi knew the word geomorphologist, I have no idea. I don't even know shapes. ‘Your kids get no blessings because of ancestry.’ I believe that’s a shot at the parents of the kids in junior congregation. He considers those things a not blessing. The rabbi was also hitting the immigrants to America five generations ago. The Felsenstein family didn’t have it easy. They purchased that home. I think the rabbi should’ve told them that without renovations they won’t be blessed. Without renovations and watering their lawn during the summer. How we can dance on Simchat Torah. It's that joy through tears. A greater sense of the responsibility of Simcha. Happiness as a people is not always easy in our shul. It would bring some happiness if the men in our shul just didn't look so pathetic dancing. Walking around looking depressed. With the arms on each other, it looks like they're just trying to keep their balance. The weird thing in our shul this Simchat Torah is nobody was holding hands. Since COVID they all dance six feet apart. Acheinu had me crying too. I think it’s the sway. The rabbi is right. But why did we stop singing Hatikva. I think Acheinu is the new song of Israel. The new anthem. It's good the feminist population hasn't caught onto the lyrics yet. It's better we don't sing it in English. Some congregants had an issue because Acheinu adds time to Davening. They feel it's more important to have time to golf. They actually expressed their frustration. I didn't think that day would come where their golf was more important than the survival of our nation. It's the same people that are mad there is a Holocaust Remembrance Day. One of them actually suggested a Holocaust themed mini golf course. The biggest worry is that the board didn't mention an end date for Acheinu. If they would've said, 'It will be till the end of February,' the golfers would've been fine with it. They say that they can sometimes get in some good golf in March. And that is more important than the survival of our people. Most of our membership is against Jewish unity. Most people were crying because of how long Davening was. And for three straight days. The naked talk in shul had most of the women's section wanting to run. Thinking of any of their husbands naked brought flashbacks of horror. People have started asking Bernie to not pray for them. Congregants have started standing by him during the prayer for the healing of the sick to make sure he doesn't say 'Amen.' I have a feeling our congregants are vindictive and they pray for bad stuff to happen. The Sukkah decorating was off. Older people decorating had some weird arts and crafts projects popping into the Sukkah. One guy brought his walker to hang in the Sukkah. He called it modern art. I think we have to stick to crayon drawings on paper plates. The rabbi and the board is still appealing. They had a Sukkot appeal. They appeal whenever they have a chance. We went apple picking and there was an Apple Appeal. Any time there is one word, they have an appeal. They had a Kiddish Appeal. We even had a Costco Appeal when the rabbi wanted his own cottage cheese in a five gallon container. We had a Paper Chain Appeal. The shul said they needed money for 'the next generation.' They even called them 'the next generation' as that brings out higher numbers on the appeal card flips. The rabbi got somebody to donate the paper and they still asked for money. Total cost was eight dollars. Total monies brought in during the appeal was four thousand dollars. Total monies of the appeal pledges received, zero. The appeals are getting annoying. I flipped the tab just to get the shul office to send me a letter to pay stuff I won’t. I feel like it at least has them doing something for the dues I paid. I am happy the rabbi clarified what makes people creepy. For me, it’s when an old guy talks to me at Kiddish. They should be able to talk to me at Kiddish. It’s just that they spittle when they talk. It was very romantic. The way she shook the Lulav at him and injured his cornea while smiling was romance. Tags:
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And they paid for those seats. That's what it looks like when you're sitting there for ten hours, realizing you could've just brought a chair for home. The whole of Davening, thinking about how it's not going to be a year of financial well-being. (Photo: sauderworship.com)
You've paid shul dues. Now, they want more for the High Holidays. What do you do? You bring your own chair.
Last time we discussed saving money by sitting in the plastic chair section. Since then, Keter prices have gone up. Now the plastic section is taking money. Rip off. If you have plastic chairs at home, there's no reason to pay for the ones at shul. This is why we're going to talk about chair concepts that you can bring to shul. Bring a Chair from Home Carry it. Any chair is worth it. No matter what the chair or damage caused by you dragging it to shul, you will be saving money. Dining room chairs are suggested. This way you can sit in shul in class. The other congregants will be looking at you creating your own seating area in the aisle, saying, 'That guy is doing well for himself. Business must be picking up.' Bring a Lawn Chair This is a decent way to save money. Again. Use the aisles. Aisles are never taken with seats. Perfect place to pop the chair open. If you're already in the ‘I did not pay my dues’ section, people know to expect very little from you. Why not enjoy the Days of Awe taking in sun from the stained-glass windows. You can also bring those pop-up chairs in the tube bag. Making it easier to carry the chair to shul. What to do with the bag after you pull the chair out. Ask one of the guys who paid for a seat if you can place the bag in his Siddur holder. Worst case scenario, someone will mistake it for a Tallis bag. Big Cushions I would suggest the sports chair cushion, but putting that on top of a pew does not make it your seat. Don't try it. They may send you a bill after Yom Kippur. The same rules of baseball apply to shul. You need to purchase the seat, then you can put down the comfort cushion. If it was Tisha BAv, I would suggest to bring the cushion, making the ground more comfortable, as one should enjoy the mourning experience. Sitting on the floor during the High Holidays looks like you're protesting Gd. Huge cushions do work. You can throw those down anywhere on a floor. A decent poof gives you comfort and height. And you can still take it home with you. Make Your Chair Mobile Don't overlook the fold up chair. You may have to move your chair for people to get by. Other members who pay for the High Holidays can be Nudniks when they're trying to get to their seats. No Midos. You would think that on Rosh Hashana they would work on their character traits and walk around you. Remember. You can always use the aisles. Just be ready to move your chair when they're walking around with the Torah. If you've got a walker, those things double as chairs. They ask, 'Ethel, why didn't you purchase a chair this year?' You let them know you've got one. Inflatable Chairs Intex inflatable couches are a great option, and they're light. Only thirty-five dollars, you'll be able to skip that prayer for a New Year of good Parnasa. You'll already be banking your financial well-being. You will want to show up early, to ensure you blow up your chair before the holiday. The noise the pump machine makes will disturb the Kol Nidrei prayer. Bring a Couch Services are long. Don’t overlook the importance of comfort. You might be poor. Even so, after comparing to the cost they're charging for the holiday seats you'll feel good about how much you spent on the couch for Rosh Hashana. Couches are heavy. If you carry that, people will probably stay away from you and not bother you about payment. They might even give you Hagba. The lifting of the Torah honor enforces respect. A pullout bed is a great perk. The rabbi will be giving a sermon. They Will Try to Get You Even if you bring your own seat, they will find a way to bill you. Bring a Machzor as well. You don't want to get charged for using the High Holiday prayer book. You never know how the shul board is going to react to use of shul property. I once showed to shul without a Machzor. I did the whole of Yom Kippur Davening by heart. Saved $360. Don't let them get you with Yizkor. They'll toy with your emotions and the next thing you know, you've flipped a tab for $1,800. It's important to remember family members who've went to Olam Haba on a budget. And don't shy away from bringing your own plastic chair. I understand the shul offers the plastic chair section. However, why pay for that when you have a stack at home. If your shul offered the option where you paid for the High Holiday chair and you were able to take it home with you, I'd call that a win-win. I would say splurge on that. A pew in the living room is a great way to ensure guests don't stay too long. Remember. If you bring a chair from home nobody will say anything. They will be too uncomfortable to say something. Tags:
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That's what it looks like when the Chazin takes a long time. A lot of not happy looks and prayers to Gd that it will finish. Either that, or it's Kavanah. (Photo: Maurycy Gottlieb - From Jewish Art, edited by Grace Cohen Grossman)
People want to get out of shul. That's why they go to shul. To get out. The only thing in their way is you, the Chazin.
As the Chazin, you're the leader. You dictate the pace of the services. This is why you're to blame. When you think people want to hear you, you're to blame. When you think the congregants enjoy your singing, you're to blame. When you think you've got a new exciting tune, you're to blame. Be you the Chazin or the Baal Tefillah (guy who's leading services), they ask you to lead because they don't want to be hated. And you will be hated if you slow down at any point. Lead fast and skip stuff, and they'll love you. Here are some Tefillahs you should skip, or at least jump to the end of. Tachnun on Mondays and Thursdays Too many paragraphs in this prayer. If you say a sentence from each paragraph, you'll finish at the same time as everyone else. If anybody asks how you did Tachnun so fast, tell them you're Chabad. They have a quicker version, and you sound more religious saying you're Chabad. If you truly want people to love you, propose taking out half of the paragraphs. Do that and you'll see a hike in shul attendance on Mondays and Thursdays. Do that and skip the paragraphs that are left in the Tefillah, and they'll love you even more. They might even offer you some schnapps. How the other people blaming you for praying too fast finished before you is another shul anomaly I can't explain, along with why Max is still telling the same jokes. VYiten Lcha and Anything Said Saturday Night Keeping Jews in shul after Shabbis will have them hating you. Rightfully so. I would also not like you and throw in a word about Gehenim. It's evil to keep shul people after Shabbis. They've been waiting for Shabbis to end so they can finally do stuff. The one thing a Jew loves about Shabbis is when it's over. Some even dance at Havdalah. Some Sefardim look at the Havdalah wine and laugh in joy that the day is finally over. To quote Ahad Ha'am, 'More than the Jews love Shabbat. They love when it's over.' I believe that's the quote. The one prayer to add, which people will appreciate, is a Tefillah that Shabbis is over and they can get out of shul. LSayaim Shabbis vHaDrasha Shel HaRav Kvar vSheHaTelevizia Nidlak. That was a transliteration for the prayer 'I want Shabbat to end already so I can get out of here and not have to listen to the rabbi's sermon anymore.' Or you can just say Havdalah. It's the same prayer. And don't sing Havdalah. They'll hate you for that. This is why many Frum Jews are not fans of Debbie Friedman. See Debbie Friedman's Havdalah when you don't have anything to do for an hour and a half after Shabbat. Brich Shmei This prayer before Torah reading. Don't be the only one to say the whole thing. Nobody understands it. Nor do they understand any of VYiten LCha or Tachnun. Jump to Bei Ana Rachitz, the singing part, where the star for the Chazin to start talking is. Nobody understands that either. But it's a song. The shul membership feels like they're connecting to H' when they sing off tune. Post Ein Kelokaynu after Shabbat Musaf Nobody says those prayers. They skip them. A vindictive member of the community came up with that around thirteen hundred years ago. Everybody thought it was time for Kiddish and he said, 'Nope. There's another prayer. A very long one.' They found extra papers taped into their Siddurs. That's the history I heard. Years later, to make it more painful, they decided to bring up a kid to lead it. Yikum Purkan Just skip it. Any Part of Psukei Dzimra Skip it. The Chazin should just go from paragraph to paragraph. Read the stuff at the end. Where you see the star, read that. Baruch H' LOlam Who says this one? Ashkenazim. They like to make things longer. They feel closer to Gd when they feel more pain. This Tefillah was added to Maariv because people wanted to finish the Maariv service faster. They were scared they'd be stuck in the wilderness for longer in the middle of the night, so they said this prayer instead of the Amidah, to get out of there faster (Rosh Misechet Brachot 1:5). It was the perfect prayer. Finally, one person understood what the community wanted. And now, it adds another who knows how long to Maariv. That's not what the rabbis had in mind. Pain was not the idea of the prayer. Again, if you want people to like you, use the Psukei Dzimra star method. Other Tefillahs to Skip Anything somebody says before Kiddish on Friday night. Skip it. People like to eat almost as much as they like to get out of shul. Any extra psalms. Tehillim. Skip them. Just say, 'We care and we're praying for everybody.' The crowd at shul will applaud you. All of Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana Davening. If you skip all of those Tefillahs, everybody will love you. If you skip everything, they'll love you even more. Go straight for 'VNemer vHaya...' and they'll think they showed up at the end of the 9am service, at 9:01am, and they will hug you. They won't shake your hand. They'll hug you. Nobody cares if you have a bad voice. They want out. There is no Davening more enjoyable than a guy with a bad voice finishing the services quick. And never say anything slow. Somebody will hurt you. If anybody shakes your hand real hard after services, it's because you didn't read the stuff fast enough. Epilogue as heard from Yaakov Fauci This is says it all: A Chasid asked the Gerrer Rebbe, 'Since we skip so many parts in the standard Machzor (High Holidays Siddur) wouldn’t it be better to print a Machzor with only the things we say?' To which the rebbe replied, 'And take away the simcha that a Yid gets when he skips a page of Davening.' Tags:
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That kid will be arguing with everybody that his rebbe is the holiest. How can he not? (by Marcin Gottlieb 1867-1936)
Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe. A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water. You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke. Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.' The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.' You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke. All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.' How Far Can a Rabbi See Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim. Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!' The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?! The Rebbe Who Always Fasted These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win. Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how modest my rebbe is. He's so modest, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.' This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend. NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom. Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.' In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain. Conclusion A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs. My Abba told these jokes better than me. Epilogue We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything. We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is. It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already. Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul. Tags:
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Announcements
Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school. As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal. It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit. We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes... When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie. The question is who sees the sword... Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you... And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima... (Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters... (Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’ Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you. When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals. (22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock. This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten... It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking... The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important... Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast... The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot... Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery. We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that. 'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance. The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse. He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping. Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul. They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board. The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement. When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee. Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president. I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish. They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul. That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent. The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent. The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody. Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me. How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough. Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam. Tags:
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Summer is here and many people have asked me how to get in shape. People want to look good, in the Catskills and I get it. It's summertime and that means it's time to get that Bungalow Body where you look good at the pool in a Tshirt.
I myself have been working on the Shul Body for many years. After hitting the gym, I've finally got my Shul Body down, and I am looking good in the suit. I wear double-breasted. Let me take you through some of the shul lifts and plyometric routines so you too can stay in shape during Musaf too. Hagba Torah Lifts Powerlifting at its core. This is a squat with an extra shoulder press, involving the biceps as well. What you do is take the two Torah poles and lift the Torah. Open more scroll columns for more strain on Jewish muscle. This is also a good way to showoff your strength to all the devout people in shul. It may even get you a Shidduch. To add difficulty to the movement, allow the Gabbai (sexton) to choose a child for Galilah who has no idea how to role the Torah scroll back and cover it. You allow them to choose a child whose arms can’t reach the top of the Torah staves, with no motor skills. This forces you to sit there, balancing the Torah with your forearms for an extra few minutes, adding an unnecessary strain and frustration. Great full body workout, with one goal of the Torah not falling. Kiddish Wrestling This usually happens at what is known as a Hot Kiddish. The post service snack allows for some excellent physical altercation with Fran, by the choolent. Fran might be small at ninety-six, but her low center of gravity at 4'8" makes it hard to move her from the table. The aerobic and strength workout from wrestling Fran for a decent piece of kishka, potato kugel and sponge cake is amazing. The grappling engages the core, along with the whole body. You may walk away from this workout with some battle scars. There is no shame in going up against Fran. Candy Attacking At Bar Mitzvahs when the candies get thrown at the kid, this is a physical competition. Like any sport, you want to have proper equipment and gear. As you are going to have to dive on the floor and tackle some children to get the Sunkist Fruit Gems, you will want some knee pads on your suit pants. Throwing the candy as hard as you can at the Bar Mitzvah boy is also good work for your agility. The Carlebach This is a full-on group dancersize workout. The prayer songs get going and you do a side to side jump, then you mix it up with a circle dance around the shul to the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay.' All dancing should be in hop formation. The singing actually gets your aerobic system working double time. The Baby Cry and Carry This is a great core workout. You lift your baby and run out of the shul. This is also works as a great excuse when you want to get out of the rabbi's sermon. To make this work, you want to make sure your child is crying. If they’re three and up, running around the shul or talking can also be an impetus for a set. The older they are, the more beneficial the movement. I’ve seen some serious shul rats lifting their college kids and running out with them. The amount of cardiovascular and strength work a long sermon can cause is greatly beneficial to those congregants looking to for that Shul Body. There are many other shul workouts known as Helping. But I don't want to chase anybody away from enjoying their exercise. Seeing how much dues are will also work up a sweat. Next time we will education you on other ways to exercise in shul around the holidays with Lulav sparring and Yom Kippur floor bending with your hand on a chair for support, also known as Jewish burpees. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXV7/10/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the shul with the wicker design and Arab shuk shopping for what would be weapons if they weren’t a hundred years old, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about a birthday cake that people had the kindness to make for him.
The Shul Wicker Design. They thought the Kiddish basket pattern was proper for the shul... I couldn't take my eyes off it. All of Davening I couldn’t stop thinking about Kichel.
A picture adds ten pounds. Your picture on a birthday cake adds twenty pounds...
The Arab shuk in Yerushalayim... I question this concept of antiquities.
The American shopping cart. I needed that double size cart to put on the extra US requisite weight for living, and to hold the community size bag of chips... Need two toddler seats. Even the kids are twice the size at Costco.
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Some people have a tradition of showing up to shul late on the 33rd day of the Omer. Because it‘s Lag BOmer. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? To lag. Lag BOmer. Lagging. Showing up late. Taking your time. ‘Lag‘ in Lag BOmer is not pronounced that way, yet it still works - the value of the written word of pun. The rabbi told them to only do a few Mitzvahs. The rav explained, 'The Torah said "decrees."' (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Decrees. Decrease. He misunderstood. They‘re different words and pronounced differently. But it's still a pun and brilliant. As we again share with you the value of the written word. Education. The government closed my bank account and told me 'relax.' They said 'Eekool.' (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Be cool. Eekool. In Hebrew it sounds the same. If an Israeli was saying it, it would be exactly the same. I heard this pun from an Israeli ventriloquist. An Eekool is when a government agency shuts your bank account in Israel. They think it‘s cool. What do you tell someone who almost did a Mitzvah? Close but no Schar. (Mordechai) You get it? Close but no cigar is the usual saying. Schar means reward. Cigar and Schar sound almost similar. Thus, education. Not just almost a pun. And we take pride in this. How do you know the food H' gave the Jews in the desert didn’t stay warm on Shabbis? Cause that would be Hot-manna. (Mordechai) You get it? Manna is the food in the desert. Not hot-manna. Just manna. And there is more to this pun. Hotmanna is covering a pot to keep food warm on Shabbat. You can't do that on Shabbat. You can only do it before Shabbis. Manna, Hotmanna. Sounds the same. Manna in Hotmanna is part of the word, not food. Another pun of education. A pun that teaches the youth. A member of the shul locked themselves in the rabbi's office and asked a lot of questions that bothered the rabbi. They were committeed. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Committed, as in a crime. Or committed to an asylum. The crime here is being part of a committee. Committeed. Objectors of Aaron and Moshe wrapped Charoset and Maror with Matzah to put on a frying pan, blaming it on Korach. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Korech on Pesach is the wrapping of Matzah with Charoset... Korach was the leader against Moshe and Aaron. Korach sounds like Korech. Almost. It's close. Another chance to teach the children. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Behalotcha6/23/2024
Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up. The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up. Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week. We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know. Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul. All classes this week are cancelled. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right... Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though... From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah... (Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault. We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am. (Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late... They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse. Things have to be done at the right time. Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome. Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd... Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?! Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing. The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew... Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees... We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out... But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach... Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva... A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?! You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times. Rivka's Rundown A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them. That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club. The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair. Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time. The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them. The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well. So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’ They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’ The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class. It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up. It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that. It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around. Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us. They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie. A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are. They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers. The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Nasso6/16/2024
Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils. Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.' We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel. Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares. Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise... (Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out. Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?... We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie. Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’ I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen... (Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues. It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours... This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went. It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer. You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul. Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up... Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had. You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days. You are ruining the shul community. Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves. The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel... If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots... Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion… Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this... We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews. Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious. Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants. The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community. They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.' The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm. Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.' The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people. The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.' It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him. This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to. Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run. These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up. Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’ A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem. I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages. When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi. After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp. Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning. Tags:
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In shul, you want to focus on your phone. (Photo: Times of Israel, by somebody who wasn't thinking about praying to Gd)
Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY After a full conversation with his children right outside of the entrance to the shul, at full volume, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying. Sam: I didn't distract anybody. Member 5: This is distracting. Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin. Sam: No I didn't. Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.' Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening. Member 1: That was disruptive. Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. That distracted me. Sam: I went to the hall to not disrupt. Member 1: In the hall you got louder. You shouted, 'At least here I can talk at a normal level.' Member 4: Sam. Your normal level is whatever we can hear while we're trying to Daven. Member 3: You told your son, 'I can't stand those guys in the Minyin. I had to leave because they're Davening is bothering me. I can't hear you in there.' Member 1: You stood right there. Member 1 points to a foot outside the door. You were right there. Member 3: The door was open. Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. Then he said, 'I'm outside the shul now.' The Chazin gives up and storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader. Sam: What's with him?! Scene 1 INT - SHUL - DAY (FLASHBACK to FIVE MINUTES EARLIER) A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock. You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people. Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Stands a foot outside the shul. Sam (Out of Scene from the hall - loud): They're so loud in there. Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening? Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call. Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls. You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation. The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead, showing frustration. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated. Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. And he hasn't moved. He is right at the door. That's not the hall. Member 3: It's the hall. Just kind of in the shul too. Why is he talking so loud? Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him. Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?! Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell. Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project. There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again. Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha. Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me? Member 3: I think it's a grandkid. Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening. Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.' Scene 3 INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder. Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer. Member 5: Silence is relative to age. Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud. There is head nodding of agreement. Kibbitzer Conclusion When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. There was a very long conversation about that during services. That was the conclusion. The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven. And the Minyin is still trying to figure out why the older members of the congregation get so loud on the phone. Member 3 hypothesized that the rotary phones didn't have as good of reception. Tags:
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You really want to get the congregants mad, have a choir backing you. That will add another couple of hours to Musaf. (parkeastsynagogue.org)
At the heart of the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (the silent prayer that you do out loud) is the Kedusha. It's at this moment that the cantor, Chazin, Bal Tefilah, or guy leading the prayers that is louder than everybody else, has a chance to sing. So, they do it. Here are some key notes to help you pick the correct tunes when leading services, and to understand the tunes of holiness we use in our tradition.
Go Slow As the leader, you want the congregants frustrated. For this, you sing. Just when they think Davening will end soon, sing more. The tunes chosen should be slow and long. This keeps people in shul. It is part of the Jewish laws regarding suffering and how you are a better person if you suffer longer. During the Kedusha they can’t run. They have to stand in one spot in solemnity. You keep them longer there. If the song moves too fast, be sure to add NayNayNays. That can keep any song going for another hour or so. Slowdown and add NayNayNays. Songs to Use During Your Kedusha Many Chazins like to sing something catchy. This means 'VAtah Ba'anim Shiru' or the Black Eyed Peas' 'I Got a Feeling.' Personally, I'm a fan of the more sentimental Jewish songs, such as TLC's 'Unpretty.' 'A Million Dreams' is always a good one. I believe that song is Frum. Throughout the ages, Chazanim have worked endlessly to develop tunes for our prayer services. Forget those melodies. That all ended in the 1980s when Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock learned about the Beach Boys a decade late. Since then, as the pop charts have changed, Tefillah has developed. Hence, now we praise Gd with Nigunim by MBD, Uncle Moishy and Kid Rock. Fitting Words into A Song This is a developed skill. You have chosen the song. Now you must finesse it. No modern songs produced by Sony Music are written to Naritzcha. Shwekey has done well with these lyrics, why can't Sony put out an LP?! Bruno Mars is an excellent song writer. However, he has yet to have composed an Anim Zemirot melody. Or maybe he did. I think I heard it. It's confusing. Point is, you take whatever song and reappropriate it as Jewish with words that don't fit. I am sure the Etz Chaim Hi tune topped the charts in the Balkans in the 1520s. My woke friends have assured me reappropriating is OK if it's for spiritual reasons. For spiritual reasons, you also don't have to pay for the rights to the music. Naritzcha to Mimkomcha Chazins want to make the Tefillah more meaningful. Many have asked how to choose specific songs for specific parts of the Kedusha. You don't. You wake up Shabbat morning and go with the song that is stuck in your head. One Chazin was doing the Kivodo part of the Kedusha to Barnie's 'Brushing My Teeth On Top.' I believe they were trying to get their child to brush that morning. That is how tradition develops. Simon and Garfunkel has made it into the lexicon of Kedusha songs. Back in the '70s your average Jew woke up to the radio playing 'Scarborough Fair.' Hence, sung as tradition along with 'Sound of Silence' in many shuls. There are traditional cantorial melodies for these. But nobody uses them, because they're good. You don't feel the requisite pain of suffering if it's good. How to Fit the Words It's a challenge to fit five words into one note. Yet, the skilled Bal Tefillah does it with ease, and no concern for the melody. A savvy Bal Tefillah has the ability to leave the congregation in shock, wondering what he just did, while continuing onto the NayNayNay portion Bruno Mars did not anticipate. Here is the secret to all modern-day Jewish shul song composition. Syllabalize. As the Chazin, pick any song. Pick whatever song you want. It makes no difference. Then you fit the words into the tune. Any song works if you force enough words into a note. By the way, 'Kivodo Maleh Olam uMshortav Shoalim Zeh Lazeh' is one syllable. Make Them Wait Longer Musaf, the added prayer on Shabbat and holidays, is the perfect time to go off with more tunes. Focus on the Musaf's Kedusha. It is at this point that they have already been in shul for two and a half hours. The longer you can extend this part of the prayer, the more pain they will feel. NayNayNays must be added here. NayNayNays after three hours in shul adds to frustration and anger, and thus opens up the gates of heaven. Now that they think the singing is done. Don't stop there. There is so much more you can do with vShamru tunes and Modims during your repetition of the Amidah. And don't forget the Sim Shalom. That is your Shabbat morning finale. Go out very long. Better yet, repeat the word 'Sim' as many times as you can. That will definitely get them folding their Tallises. Want to add to the anger, get the choir backing it up with NayNayNays. You know you have done your job, keeping with the traditional songs of the Kedusha written by Pink and Bruno Mars, if people are folding their Tallises in a rage of anger and rushing to Kiddish. Next time we will focus on more Tefillah songs, such as those written by Men at Work. Tags:
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The bend in the upper back, very pious posture. That's a good holy look.
The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud. Slow and Soft Thought Method Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything. Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it. Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all. Make Them Wait The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you. Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps. Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. Silent Method of Holiness It's very holy to not talk. Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do. If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers. The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness. Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability. Squint Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light. This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner. Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema. Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy. I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's. If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier. A Long Amidah After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah. Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy. To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out. Dress Holy This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits. As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method. Have a Safer Open at All Times It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy. It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book. Keep Your Head Down Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun. You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss. In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.) You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn. And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness. I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are. Tags:
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Praying with Kavanah, silently in their seats. Other than the angry guy, these are people who don't know how to be noticed in shul.
The only way to look good in shul is to be noticed. And the only way to do that is to be very loud. Make noise and you will look good. You will at least look like you know what's going on.
You want to make noise while other people are trying to pray with Kavanah. We've dealt with this in the past. Yet, I still have much to help with regarding getting oneself noticed in shul. I have learned much from my years in around the Kehilah. I am a wealth of Frum knowledge, and I shall share a Bissel more with you. Chuch a lot Clear your throat as much as possible. When starting a Tefillah, when turning a page, when greeting people in the middle of the silent Amidah prayer; these are all opportunities to Chuch. This tradition began in the early 1900s. It must’ve. Every older guy in my shul does this. I am guessing it dates back to Eastern Europe. A lot of Chuching in Lithuania. Coughing and sneezing is also a tradition from the old country. I don't know how they are able to cough that loud, but the sound of mucus from Lithuania in there is very noticeable. Get Involved in Aliyahs to the Torah Nobody asks you. Chutzpah. You turned down the Gabai job. That doesn't mean you don't make the decisions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t complain to the Gabai. Anytime you have a chance to tell somebody how to do their job, you’re important. Hence, you should always be telling the Gabai and Chazin what to do. Tell the Gabai who to call up. If it's a Kohen in a Yisrael spot, you still look good getting involved, telling the people what to do. Better yet, just say 'you're doing it wrong.' Tell the Baal Tefillah to Go Faster You don't have to be a Gabai for this either. You just have to be loud. Chazin is going at the right speed for the prayers, who cares. Tell him 'faster.' Then, tell him 'slower.' The goal is to let him know he is doing nothing right. Better yet, just say, 'You're doing it wrong.' Disapproval means importance. Again, telling people what to do fashions importance. Especially when you're telling them that they're doing it wrong. Pace This will get you noticed. Physical movement is key to being noticed. Sometimes, yelling at people and telling them they are wrong doesn't do the job. Walk around the shul. Go over to people. Add in a talk for extra importance affect. I suggest the waving the hands method. Waving of your arms is also a good way to ruin people's Kavanah. If you can breakdance, do it. The pilot will definitely draw attention. Do not bring a boombox. I have seen people get kicked out of shul for that. Your smartphone can do the job. The Movement Method of being noticed is why shuckling became very popular in the Yeshiva world in the early 1980s. Go Loud Every Once in a While Nobody would be loud if they didn't understand what was going on. A good loud Hebrew word gets you noticed. Time it at every two and a half minutes and it will sound good. 'Ya'aleh vYavo' is a good one to shout. Stick to that one and you'll be good. Forget about Rosh Chodesh. Mumbling loud works as well. It keeps the other congregants guessing, and it sounds like Hebrew spoken by an Ashkenazi. Move Stuff Organize the shul in the middle of Davening. Bring in a sofa. If that doesn't work. A freezer and a generator might help you get noticed. Looks of Disapproval Give a look of disapproval with an audible breath. A complaint, especially when loud, shows you're running things. Perfect way of showing complaint and importance. You can add in a headshake of disapproval for loud movement purposes. Best is when the Chazin is leading the Davening at the correct speed. At that point, express disapproval. Only a Chashiv person can pull that. And remember to tell them, 'You're doing it wrong.' Ask for Tzedaka That seems to be a religious thing to do. Ask for Tzedaka while people are trying to pray. And that was another anti-Semitic moment. Talk Talk to people. Middle of prayers, talk to people. Have full-on regular conversation. Only somebody who is important would have a full conversation at regular volume in shul. I hear somebody talking in the middle of Shacharit, I'm thinking, 'This is an important guy. He must have something to say about weeding a garden.' Kick Somebody Out of Your Seat If you really want to look good, kick somebody out of a seat. People will see that and they will respect you. It doesn't even have to be your seat. Just kick them out. If you can tell somebody they're sitting in your seat, you've made it. Especially if you haven't paid your dues yet. Just the ability to say 'that is my seat' when showing up an hour late to Davening, that looks good. That's a powerful man. One who garners respect. A Really Big Hat A huge hat will do the job. Just wear a big hat, huge brim, and you're good to go. That will disturb everybody's Kavana. These are just a few ways to be noticed in shul. If we learned nothing, being noticed looks good no matter what you do. I am sure, as a member of the congregation you'll find a way to be noticed. You're important if you tell people what to do. So, get better at that. Remember, as long as you think you look good, you look good. And looking good means being noticed. Bang a table. In addition to the methods we discussed, bang a table. Even if it's not Rosh Chodesh. Just bang a table real loud. That will get you noticed, and scare people. They notice your bang, they'll never take a chance sitting in a seat. And remember to always tell people they're doing it wrong. If nothing else works, join the Kiddish club. Those guys are loud. Next week we shall discuss the Holy Method of being noticed and outlouding your Hebrew in a holy way when outdoing the rabbi with your Shema and a loud Chuch. Tags:
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They’re making each other mad. A whole shul of open seats, the guy in the middle is trying to figure out why they're all right on top of him.
I just found out there are more ways to disturb my Kavanah in shul. It didn't take long. Just one day. I have to interact with these people, and they easily annoy me.
Just watching them interact bothered me. And they’re loud. Here is more ways they disturbed me, since yesterday. Hugs A loud embrace. It's not just a hug. It's a hug with a pat. A loud dramatic pat of two overweight guys. The hug interrupted my whole Davening. I didn't realize embraces can be so loud. Then they went for hitting. I thought it was a pat, but it sounded more like whacks. Slapping each other. It was a violent show of affection from one Frum Jew to another. Then an 'Ah... good to see you.' As if the three minute embrace slap wasn't loud enough to disturb the silent prayer. Kids Brought the little ones. They decided that shul is the right place for preschoolers. Seeing Bernie and Feivel fight over an Aliyah is an important part of early childhood education. Watching them fight and tracing the Aleph bet in the Siddur. Constant child education. I have to see them teaching and disciplining for my morning Shacharit. I didn't realize one child could do everything wrong. And then I have to see them eating Cheerios in a bag. That is the shul food of choice for a child. Shushing Why is his Shush louder than his kids?! Rule I adopted: To stop other people from disturbing, you should be quieter than them. The Welcomer This guy was given the job because he couldn't stop talking in shul. Conversation If all else doesn't work, they go to conversation. Full on conversation. Not a Hello or Shalom. Full on, 'How is your family doing?' in the middle of the Torah reading. Anything to kill my Kavanah. Takes the Cellphone Call Took the call in shul. Middle of Shacharit, answered the call. Pressed the green button and started asking how the grandkids were. He realized that was disturbing, so he went to the hall and put the phone on speaker. As loud as the speaker goes. Comes back into the shul, after the speaker phone hallway fiasco, and slams his chair. Had to slam the chair. Had to let us know he was finished with his call and ready to feng-shui the shul. Random Out Loud Hebrew Words The guy next to me randomly goes loud to show his Kavanah. Like he's competing with the rabbi. The Chazin is definitely second fiddle to 'Modim' guy. I once said Amen to Modim guy finishing the 'Sim Shalom' Bracha of the Amidah. I was disturbed that the Chazin skipped the rest of the repetition. Then I realized it was Modim guy. Why I have to know this guy is doing Modim every silent Amidah still baffles me. It throws off my Kavanah for a good fifteen minutes. Till the end of Davening, I'm corner eyeing this guy. And then his YaAleh vYavo on Rosh Chodesh. They hear that all the way at youth groups. Shemonah Esrei Out Loud The silent prayer was done with full audible. The only guy in shul who doesn't know it's called the silent prayer because you're supposed to do it silently. Come to think of it, I don't know if I'm hearing anything coming out of his mouth. It's just the lips. He moves his lips very loudly. It's more annoying than hearing the words. Yes. Hearing the lips move is more annoying. Sitting Right Next to Me Who sits right next to a guy?! We're not in a relationship. There's a whole pew and he sits right on me. As if pews are meant for more than one person. H' knows we're praying together. We don't have to be holding hands in unison. Saying 'Amen' without yelling it does the job. I would never go to a movie with this guy. A whole row of open chairs and he decides he wants to share an armrest. Walking Then I have a guy starting a walking group in the back of the shul. Calls it pacing. Like it's another form of Shuckling. Handshake Like fraternity brothers, it was a two-minute shake. After the two-minute overture, it turned out they were trying to prove who was more of a man, through grip. One guy's face got so red because the other guy was cupping his hand. This is what I have to see in the middle of Davening. The problem is people are comfortable at shul. That's why it's impossible to pray with these people. But it's a Minyin. H' hears all of us. I know I hear them. Tags:
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Nobody in that shul is happy because they all decided to sit right on top of each other.
They will find a way to interrupt my Davening. That is their goal. I go to shul to pray and these people will do anything to kill my Kavanah. They want to disturb my Davening. That's why they show up to shul. To kill my focus. I can't pray with these people, but I have no choice. I have to. It's a Minyin.
Here is what they do. You can learn from them and bother me during Davening too. They Cough Loudest coughs I have heard. How do people who have no voice get out such a loud cough. The guy can't even talk. He's too shy to have a conversation. When he coughs, he breaks out of his shell. Sneeze I have never heard louder sneezes. I guess they feel comfortable. A full 'Hafewy.' They add a 'Ha' and then an 'ee' at the end. Like they're sneezing in Hebrew. Chuchs Loudest Chuchs. The cough ends in a Chuch. Sneeze ends with a Chuch. It's not even from the same part of the body as the Chuch, but it ends in a Chuch. As if the sneezing doesn't disturb my Davening enough with their tissueless Hafewy shpritz. When Hymie flips over a page, it's a Chuch. Don't get me started on the disgustingness of Hymie and Max turning a page. The amount of phlegm coming out of their mouths to get to page 160. These things are not just loud. They're disgusting. And then, after the Hafewy and Chuch, I has to look at the tissue. I have to see this guy admiring his nasal mucus in the middle of Tachnun. Singing So off tune. I don't even know why my shul does anything that is supposed to have a melody. The offness of it kills my Kavanah. And why is he banging the table, thinking it's a djembe. When they start singing Lecha Dodi, everything in my shul somehow turns into a darbuka. And yes, hitting pews and Siddurs bothers me. As does the guy next to me jumping up and down, like he's hearing the other congregants singing a song to a beat. It's all messed up. Breathing Just the way the guy breathes. It's annoying. I've got to hear the guy taking breathes. Anything to disturb me. And then he bends. Does bending come with a noise? Is there a bending noise? Every bend comes with an 'Ahhhh!..' Space is the only thing that can help. I think if I had a lot of space, I could get through Davening without these people. Standing Why is it that standing makes noise? It's louder than the bending. Even just getting up out of a chair comes with a complaint. A loud 'Ahhhh. My back!' Shuckling The way some of these people shuckle, back and forth. The swaying. Out of the corner of my eye I have to see this guy rocking in all different directions. They're moving so much. How one moves so much without moving is an anomaly. Wearing A Scarf Why is he wearing a scarf? Winter is almost over. I can't Daven looking at that. Is he trying to throw off my Davening. And we're inside. Is there a draft in the seventy-eight degree shul for people who forgot to go down to Florida. Chair Movement How often must a chair be moved? I have never seen a chair moved as much as a member at Musaf. It's like this guy came to shul to design the thing. I'm trying to answer the Kedusha prayer with Kavanah and he's feng-shuing the pews. Reconfigure the Shul How often do people have to arrange Siddurs? I have never been in a shul where somebody didn't have to return Siddurs in the middle of Davening. For some reason, there are always piles of Siddurs in the wrong place. If Jewish day schools would teach kids to put stuff away, I wouldn't have to deal with Pinny piling up Siddurs in the middle of the Amidah. It’s frustrating but we have to Daven with them and love them. That’s what makes it a Minyin. Being annoyed by these guys. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIX1/16/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how David stops people from talking in shul, while he complains about Israeli boardgames and having to come home from Israel to mail, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about puzzles educating children about how a Shabbat table looks.
The no talking in shul bookmark. The most passive aggressive gift to give during Davening. I could’ve just smacked him. Instead, I reminded him that he was poor, single and sick because he was talking in shul. And all I needed to tell him that was a bookmark about being a good Jew... I walked over and kindly gave it to the guy during Chazaras HaShas. He then started a conversation with me, asking, ‘Why are you giving me a bookmark for my Siddur. Siddurs don’t need bookmarks'... To Note: This is the most useful item for people who talk in shul. It’s not always easy to find where the congregation is at, after a conversation during Shacharit.
The front door after a week in Israel. That’s what the top layer looks like.
'Let’s Dress Yoni.' How about we do that?! Why is Yoni never dressed? Is this a game or just not proper, immodest dress?... I think his parents are manipulating him. The sequel is called Let’s Tie Yoni’s shoes. The series continues with Let’s See Yoni Eat His Chicken and Let’s See Yoni Eat Vegetables Before He Gets Dessert. And the last in the series, Let’s See Yoni Pray the Shema and Go To Sleep While Not Disturbing His Parents.
The ‘Father of Shabbat’ puzzle. This is how they teach who the head of the household is at nursery schools in Israel. And you wonder why nobody respects their elders anymore.
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No shul family event should start until there is fire for kids to run around. (photo: jewishboston.com)
Throughout the ages shuls have hosted Chanukah parties. And I have taken notes. Here are some of the important ingredients to making the traditional shul Chanukah party a success.
Call it a Gala What makes it a gala event? No idea. Why do we serve 'delicacies'? That's what Frum Jews call it. Always use words like deluxe, delicacies and gala to describe your use of plasticware. Deluxe describes everything Frum. Nothing is better than Tuv Taam deluxe tuna fish. The word 'deluxe' brings up the tuna and mayonnaise to a level above salmon. How 'deluxe' made it into the Yiddish lexicon? No idea. It's Yiddish. Festivate Your Table All tables should have paper plates coated in Chanukah festivities. It should feel like a birthday party without cone hats. And as Frum Jews we celebrate with disposable dishware. One cannot celebrate, serve H', and worry about the environment at the same time. Streamers help festivate as well, as you can throw them out after the gala. To celebrate the table should also have a bunch of chocolate Chanukah Gelt. What are we celebrating? Oil. And you celebrate that with chocolate coins. Chocolate coins also adds to the galaness of the evening. Menorah Lighting You want to start the program with a Chanukiah lighting. Depending on how religious your congregation is, will dictate how much of a ceremony it is. If you're a very nonFrum congregation, you will want to call it a Menorah Lighting Ceremony. If you're a very Frum shul, you'll want to call it a Lichting. Preferably, a Deluxe Lichting Gala. That's a full sentence in Yiddish. At the Lichting you'll say the Bracha and everybody else will be talking. At the Lichting, you also will not find yourself dedicating each candle to a dear member of the congregation who you hope died already. Note: If you're a not Frum congregation, do not have the Chanukah party on the first night. Only lighting one candle will kill the ceremony. If you're in a bind, light eight candles on the first night and tell them it's the last day of Chanukah. It's only time before the reform community takes Chanukah down to one day as well. It will happen as soon as the gifts get worse. Gifts for Kids All kids should have gifts. And all gifts should be bought at the Dollar Tree. If you don't have a Dollar Tree near you, Five Below has a dollar bin area. You can give the children of the congregation Silly Putty from there as well. No child should receive any Chanukah gift that they will enjoy for more than three minutes. If you have a holiday party at a Jewish nonprofit organization, be sure to have a Secret Shlomo. This way people can feel like they're not doing something Jewish. You may want to also host your Jewish nonprofit Chanukah party on Christmas. If you're doing a secret gift giving thing for the kids at shul, you should probably call it a Secret Santa. This way the children won't blame Jews for the bad gifts. Bouncy House That's what you need to bring Jews. Jews are about tradition. Chinese Auction Or you can call it a basket raffle. But that wouldn't offend Asians. What to raffle off at a Chinese auction? Shabbat Challah trays. Kiddish cups. Netilat Yadaim cups. Yarmulkes. All things that are made in China. A Dreidel Spinoff If your child walks away from Chanukah and does not know how to play roulette, something is wrong with the Jewish education that child is receiving. At my father's shul A"H they had a huge Dreidel. My father A"H would spin the Dreidel and the kids would put their Gelt on whatever letter they figured the Dreidel would end up on. That is what we know as Chinuch, Jewish education. Latkes If your shul does not smell disgusting, you have not hosted a proper Chanukah party. The shul should smell disgusting and people should leave feeling disgusting. That is how you know it was a successful gala. Tags:
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Kadoorie Mekor Haim Synagogue in Porto on Yom Kippur... photograph was taken from a surveillance camera. Nobody wants to take credit for this picture, so they call it surveillance. At least we know now who didn't show up.
Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur. What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. Nusach Ashkenaz This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it. Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form. Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does. English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service. Nusach Taiman This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often. Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman. Nusach Sefarad Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha. They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts. Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out. The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle. Nusach HaAri I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that. Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri. Eidut Mizrach Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach. Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop. The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot. Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist. Nusach HaGra This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry. Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise. There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven. From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them. Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach. Tags:
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Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.
Weird Looks During Davening Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis. For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.' People Worried About You That means leftovers. 'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food. And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge. Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home. Random Shidduchim Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester. You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea. Everybody Trying to Set You Up When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook. Awkward Moments With Aunts When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them. People Are Protective of their Children Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit. When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary. Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you. They Will Call You a Child A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur. I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty. They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot. Comments That Make No Sense 'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.' They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away. This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante. They Will Expect You To Help If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time. If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary. Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first. If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you. Sit at the Kids Table They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?! At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!! Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids. If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook. Tags:
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And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.
The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.' To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.' Tachnun Before Tisha BAv? It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis. Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur. What Do We Do? Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.' But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi. They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered. The Rabbi Explains In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given. Epilogue For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av. And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.' And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back. Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means. The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.' Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.' The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai. Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza. Tags:
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Paroh had compassion on the wine steward, because he was pour. The baker had a lot of dough. You get it? Poor. It should've been "poor." We wrote “pour,” He poured stuff. We misspelled poor so you could enjoy the pun. Then the extra with the baker and dough. Dough meaning money here, but could mean dough for baking... The pun might have been best three weeks ago. Better than getting it three weeks ago, you have two puns in one. 
What makes a tailor shop a sketchy? When the guy is a money changer... And then when they gave the change for the hem, they charged a fee for taking the money.
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Yad Soledet Bo is anywhere from 110 to 180 degrees Fahrenheit. How they found out what burns the hand at 180 degrees... And people say religious Jews aren’t brave.
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Your Weekly Jewish Humor Magazine for a Gazunta Laugh about Life
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© 2021 Kibbitzer Magazine and JHF. All rights reserved.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
12/1/2024
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