Moishie showed up with his shirt not tucked. He was a successful doctor. We believe that he gave up on his living, as his shirt was not tucked in and we did not see a belt. Please ask him how he's doing.
 
Somebody has to clean the fridge. We have fifteen Sam’s Club Colas in there. All open. Please finish colas before opening new ones.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We ask parents to go to the park and to make sure their kids don’t burn themselves this Lag BOmer. It turns out not one of our Jewish kids is in the Boy Scouts, and their parents think them making a fire is a good idea. Our children are dangerous. And their parents are idiots.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mr. Feigenblum and How You Will Never Get a Job in Sweatpants- How Comfort Leads Lack of Success and Congregants Who Don't Pay Dues. The Chemistry of Fizz and Finishing a Bottle Before Opening a New One. How To Make an Uncontained Fire with The Youth of Our Shul. How to Be an Irresponsible Parent with The Parents of Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Turns out Moishie is fine.
Moishie’s shirt was out. It was a Sunday. Now everybody is worried. He wasn’t even wearing sweatpants. They've just never seen him with his shirt not tucked.
Mr. Feigenblum has given up. That I know. Always in sweatpants. He's not a gym teacher. Just gave up. Went comfortable. And now he smiles. Something is wrong.
I don't think Moishie works Sundays. Though, the shirt out is not a good sign. Something must've happened. He must've relaxed for a moment.

They put back the sodas every time. Like old bottle fizz is better than new bottle fizz. They don't clean up or recycle. They put away. 
Then they bring out the old colas and the new ones. Eighteen colas with a quart in each of them. All flat, except for one. It's like the shell game, where you have to guess which cup the bottle cap is under. You have to pray you catch the one with fizz.
Eighteen colas in the fridge. All open. Likes it a Segulah omen for life. And where is the Sam's Club soda from. I don’t even think Sam’s Club makes cola anymore. We have it.
Maybe the first cup has the most fizz, so our congregants won't drink more than the first pour out of the bottle. They have standards. Give the cola to Mr. Feigenblum. He wears sweatpants. He has no standards.

We need Kiddish rules for the sisterhood. Like put away stuff not like idiots. Like cover the tuna bowl before putting it back in the fridge. And throw out anything that tastes like tar when flat.
Anything that's been out of the kitchen, you can't donate it to the food shelter. But we can drink cola from eight weeks ago, because Sharon doesn't know how to throw out fizzless soda. And we can eat tuna that's fridge hard on top. 
And I say the sisterhood, because men don't help. Men with tucked in shirts do not help. They tuck in their shirts.

I just stay away from the kids on Lag BOmer. I don't know when eight-year-olds making a fire became a good idea. We don't even let our fifteen-year-old near the stove. 
And they don't even know how to make fires. They just light stuff. They see it, they light it. They pass fires. And the parents think it's cute. When parents see a situation where their child might get hurt real bad, they think it's cute. That's why so many parents send their kids to karate. 

Moishie came back to shul on Shabbis with a three-piece suit. Tight. Couldn't breathe. Members started going back to his practice for treatment. He now knows that you tuck in a shirt if you want business. I don't think we will ever see Moishie in comfortable clothing, unless if it's a three-piece sweatsuit.
Though he used to swim for exercise, he swore off swimming, as it's tough to swim with the button-down shirt tucked in.

The rabbi gave a follow-up class to Mr. Feigenblum and His Lack of Success. Belts and How They Hold Up Your Life.

Reading off of phones at ceremonies and memorial services is not allowed anymore. The board discussed it and it takes away from the emotion of people dying. It seemed like the one reading Eugene’s eulogy was scrolling their Facebook.
 
Rabbi and team rightfully are taking credit for this community. To quote the rabbi, “I built the building. I brought the membership. I hired myself.” The people who hired the rabbi agreed. The board is investigating how the shul was built a hundred years ago, when the rabbi has only been here ten.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re having another food drive. If you have anything disgusting, that you want to get rid of, poor people will eat it. We suggested carrots and peas. If you made a mistake purchasing that disgusting mixture, you can donate that. Nobody likes those.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Memorial Service by Treating it Like a Poetry Slam. The History of the Shul- A History of Ten Years. Why Your Mistakes are a Mitzvah to Give to the Needy- And Anything Mrs. Schwartzman Cooks.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
It looks bad when you're looking at your phone for a speech at a funeral.
That truly was the worst funeral I've been to. Eugene's children were looking at their phones the whole time. And that was to pay respects to their father. 
And to be honest, it seemed like they were asking ChatGPT what to say. "Our father was a good man." That's all ChatGPT could give them. Nothing about him being a Tzadik. You would think ChatGPT would give a little more.
And then the Yom Hazikaron ceremony for the fallen soldiers looked messed up with the kids reading off their iPhones. Technology has killed all emotion and sentiment in our community. The only thing people love is scrolling. This whole phone speech for our fallen holy brothers and sisters hurts the moment and the connection. One kid asked Google Gemini if they should cry.
You need paper for meaning. A black sheet for it to be meaningful. I can't cry without seeing a black piece of corrugated paper backing the paper they're reading off. And they should have black paper at funerals too.
Even the unfolding of white paper kills my emotions. Just hearing that tampering. And Eugene's daughter had a white phone, with a hot pink phone cover. When honoring people, at least have a black phone.

Everybody wants credit for everything. There is no appreciation for the past. To quote the president, who got to the shul three years ago, "The shul has only existed for five years." The shul has no history now. Just meaningless Davening off cellphones.
Nobody wanted to argue with the rabbi. So, the history of the shul is now gone.
Somebody must've mentioned that the shul was thriving. That must’ve set off the rabbi, who had just got here ten years ago. Somebody mentioned that the building is a hundred years old. To which the rabbi was shocked, saying, “The oldest person here is only ninety.” No concept of history or celebrating our nation. Our rabbi thinks Israel just popped up out of nowhere.
The rabbi doesn't know much about construction. He's great. But he knows nothing about how long buildings can last. He's still amazed that the Kotel is there. Every time he comes back from Israel, he's giving speeches, amazed, "That Wall has to be at least sixty years old."
They're trying to get rid of old people too. Reading off his phone at the funeral, the shul president said, "Another old person dead." No history in our shul anymore. They’ve decided to get rid of the lifetime seats that people purchased. Nothing is longstanding anymore. Lifetime seats are for seven years. They're working it like Shmitah cycle.
It's this new modern thing where you take credit for everything because ChatGPT said to.
 
That was the most successful food drive. People were so happy to get rid of their carrots and peas. The congregants see those on the supermarket shelves, thinking, "There is no way somebody would put together a combo that doesn't taste good." They've never had British cooking.

I'm still bothered by this new idea of community not being connected to anything that ever was. This credit thing is getting annoying. I like the connection to the past. It gives me a reason. It reminds me that I'm messed up because of other people.
And the rabbi brought the youth to the shul. Like there was never youth. Like Eugene was born eighty-five years old.

The rabbi gave an intensive on how not to look at your phone. The class was held on Zoom. So... everybody was looking at their phones. I'll spell out how messed up our community is.

​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

Misameach Chatan and Kallah, making newlyweds happy, is a great Chesed. Due to the sadness of getting married, having to live with this guy, never getting sleep because of the kids, we have to bring them one last moment of happiness. It's an act of kindness. A Chesed.
Many say it falls under the Mitzvah of “loving one’s neighbor as thyself” (Vayikra 19:18). Which if it were true in my neighborhood, the wedded couple down the block would shut their family up. They would keep quiet and keep their kids off my lawn. And if their neighbors loved them, somebody would have told them to not get married.
I was honest with my nephew at his wedding, as I was shocked to hear it’s my job to make him happy. I told him, “If you need me to be happy, get out of it. You just got married two minutes ago. It won’t get better.”
 
(Shulchan Aruch- Orach Chayim 10:5) If one travels over a few days, they say the Tefillat HaDerech prayer every day. For example, if one is traveling to Israel and has to go through every Middle Eastern and European country to get to America. Each day you are in a different country of people who want you dead, you pray for your life.

Due to leaving Mitzrayim in haste, we are commanded to eat Matzah, a “poor man’s bread” (Devarim 16:3). I am fulfilling that Mitzvah. After purchasing Shmura Matzah, I’m out of money.
Let me explain. Though it's a poor man's bread, Shmura Matzah can be very expensive. The boxed machine Matzah, sold at a dollar-fifty a pound, is probably what the Torah was talking about.
Shmura Matzah is guarded Matzah. It's got to be the security that makes it that much more expensive. And we consider the guarded Matzah more praiseworthy. You don't want anti-Semites attacking your flatbread. 
 
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack, they probably would've left for a LChaim.

Now that Pesach is over, I hope you feel better about spending all of your money on Matzah. I also hope you feel better about that decision to get married. And please don’t leave the sanctuary of the shul for happy hour in the middle of services. Our board did not program that into the prayers.

Announcements
You have to clean your home for Pesach. We also suggest the Pelushkin family clean their house. It’s filthy.

Antisemitism is up, because of things that Iran’s IRGC is doing. It turns out that targeting civilians and murdering your population is wrong. Jews agree with that. Israel agrees with that. Which is why Israel is getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians.
Please tell that to members of the congregation who like to spend time on social media, in order to support hatred of our people.
 
Friendly Rules: You must look at people and greet them. You have to notice people when noticing them. You can’t ask somebody to get up from your seat without saying “Shabbat Shalom” first. Basically, the rules are you can’t be a piece of ----.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Cleaning the Pelushkin Home and Other Jewish Anomalies. How to Blame Israel for What Iran Does - A Gateway to Running a Good Podcast. How to Not Be an Arrogant Piece of ---- With Mr. Finkelman Who Has Mastered the Art of Never Saying “Hi” - Who We Hate.

Rabbi Mendlechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s going to be long. It’s Shabbat Hagadol. The tradition is for me to give a very long speech. Gadol means large. And that refers to the sermon. “The very large sermon”... I don't know what a large speech looks like. It's my job. I have to do it... A big whiteboard. Next year I'll have a large whiteboard with the sermon on it. But for now, it's going to be very long...

(Vayikra 8:1-3) H’ tells Moshe to get Aharon and his children and their clothes, food for the service and oils. “And gather all the people to the Tent of Meeting...” It was the Tent of Meeting. People meet there... This is shul. People are not supposed to talk throughout the Davening. All of services is not a meeting time... You're not saying, "What's about Gd. Haven't seen you for a minute." Whatever a minute is... I have no idea what "a minute" is, Bernie. It might be a year. It's that Jewish big bang theory, that time moved slower back then. Time moves slower when people come to shul... They come late. That's what I was saying.
You gather the people before the service... That’s the problem. You think the Minyin happens, and then you gather. You need to gather to get a Minyin. And you need to not be part of this congregation to enjoy being around Jews.

"All the people." Ramban teaches that H’ wanted the whole nation to see Aharon’s family were chosen to be Kohanim... I know we have programs nowadays that we don't advertise. I don't want to have to see the membership... It wasn't like the Portsman wedding, where nobody wanted to come. There was nobody there because it was a destination wedding... The destination was a miniature golf course. who wants to see that?!
H’ wanted everybody to witness it... So, you wouldn’t complain. You complain about everything. You show up late, you complain. You guys complain every time you miss something. Baruch even wanted to know if we did Shacharit today... Yes. We did it. You missed it. You didn't see it. And you didn't see the cleaning staff cleaning for Pesach. Which is why you thought it's a good idea to eat a cookie in shul. Today. Shabbat HaGadol. Right before Pesach, this guy eats Pepperidge Farm in the hallway. Crumbs everywhere...

Again. Gathering. That's the point. We have to come together first, before we serve Gd... How do you serve H’ as a people and gather later?! Idiots. "I prayed already..." Well, how does that help the Minyin?! Other than Baruch bringing crumbs and ruining Pesach for everybody... They have to come in and clean again... We have to gather the cleaning crew again and retrace everywhere you walked. Like a prePesach Scavenger Baruch Hunt... Point is, it's better if everybody gathered without Baruch...

When you dedicate stuff you prepare right. You make sure everybody is present. That's how they did it for the Tabernacle. Definitely did not do it with the shul's renovations. No preparation... You started the groundbreaking for the new children’s wing with nobody there. It was messed up. I wouldn’t call it a groundbreaking. It was a shul destroying... Groundbreaking with nobody. The preparation had nobody. You didn't even prepare the preparation correctly...
You have to prepare right. You need people. Which is why we don't have a Minyin...

(Vayikra 8:6) “Moshe brought Aharon and his sons and he immersed them in water.” First thing you do is clean them... I don’t know if they smelled like Pinchas. Maybe Moshe didn’t want to deal with a bunch of guys who just got back from the Beis Midrash... Learning Torah doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shower... Is showering Mivatel Torah? Good question. It might be wasting time from learning. You can't learn Torah in the shower. That we know. At least wash your hands. There are laws to wash your hands before learning Torah... Singing Shwekey songs in the shower is Asur. You can't do the Tehillim songs.
The lesson is, you don’t bring people together when they’re dirty. Smelling like... Nobody wants to be around that...

Exactly. It's a Pesach message. You get everybody ready. You clean. You prepare. Buy food. Then you gather all of the people for the holiday... I don't know the exact order. But you do clean. Cleaning is the whole time. You clean when you're buying food and gathering people too... And you serve Gd together. Which is why we need gathering. If I have to keep on explaining this nation thing, I'm going to shoot one of the people. Even if they're part of the nation...

Prepare and gather. Gather and prepare. Be clean. Shower. Don’t fart so everybody has to smell it... Because farts chase away community.

When you consecrate your home. You invite the community. Chanukat Bayit. Dedication of the house... It’s not Chanukah. It's a house dedication. We're speaking of a ceremony... I'm making a point, Bernie. And you should clean your home before you consecrate it...
Your home is filthy for Pesach... We’re not talking Kosher for Pesach. We’re talking filthy for Pesach. Filthy for Pesach is not good... I know. You’ve taken the Halacha of making sure to get rid of Chametz too far, by only focusing on Chametz. You can clean too... You with your "we will not wash the floors." If a dog can't eat it, it's probably a good time to clean that up... If you don't consider the bread that got left behind the oven from three years ago Chametz, that's fine. Clean it for the holiday. And also check behind the oven for Pepperidge Farm chocolate coated cookies. Baruch has a way of spreading those crumbs...
It’s not being a better Jew by showing that your place is still dirty but Kosher for Pesach.
A home must be cleaned for the holidays. To celebrate... 
Rabbi Pelushkin. Our child came back from your home dirty from playing inside. The kids played inside... Our daughter had mud all over her clothes from playing dolls in your home.
You consecrate for the holidays... So, you can celebrate them correctly. If I have to keep explaining. That's the message. You prepare and bring community together. And nobody wants to go to the Pelushkin home in their new holiday clothes...

We come together against antisemitism and members of our shul. May we be freed from antisemitism and the board... I don't know how to consecrate antisemitism. Maybe war.
How we’re getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians and murdering people. It's the members of our shul, on social media, saying they hate Donald Trump... Donald Trump is not Jewish. Stop listening to Candace Owens. She's crazy... And we're still getting blamed for people starving in Gaza who aren't starving. We're getting blamed for people who should be starving but aren't. I think that's the cause now. And it's because of us. Because people want to kill us. So, because people want to kill us, we get blamed for everything.
Who's starving is people who have to buy Pesach food. The cost of that... We should charge the Gazans Pesach food prices...

Finkelman can go to Gehenim. He ruins community. The guy never says "Hi." Does his high head pass... If he did the low head pass, I would say he's an Anav. He's a pious humble man... It all depends on the trajectory of the head. If you pass at a thirty-five-degree neck angle, you're still a community person. Very good question...
Like you’re better. You’re insecure. And you cause antisemitism in the shul. That's what you do, Finkelman...
When walking in shul you have to say "Hi" to people. You can’t be a jerk... You see them. How can you not see them?! You pretended like you didn’t. Because you are insecure...
You said "hello" because you needed them to pass you the Chrein. You wanted horseradish for your fish. Your friendliness only means you need something. Basically, Finkelman has no heart. Would hate to be at his Seder. He probably wouldn't notice. He prepares by ignoring his responsibility to make Charoset...
At least Finkelman doesn't talk during services. He still deserves to be hated. He's not nice to the people who gather. Fart at Finkelman's spot...

Can we consecrate together this Pesach?! As one people with no hatred amongst ourselves and no bad smelling people... I know the three-day Chag with Shabbat is going to be hard. People are going to be smelling bad...

(Vayikra 8:7-10) Then Moshe puts on the priestly clothes and anoints the Tabernacle. But first. Before all this, you make sure the people are gathered and clean... Otherwise, you ruin the priestly clothes. They didn't have a Kohen laundering service. People had to scrub that stuff. And ironing in those days wasn't easy. You had to lift a heavy boulder and smash it on the sash to straighten it.
We have to be holy ourselves. Prepare ourselves. Be a community. Kick Finkelman out... Stone him. Maybe... And maybe then, we can get the Pelushkins to finally clean their home...
I don't know if they're cleaning in Israel right now. It's good you care. You should worry about our people and the bombs, and you should clean.
And please pick up and Pepperidge Farm crumbs...

Pesach is coming. Shower.

Rivka's Rundown
The Pelushkins like to celebrate the holidays in dirt. They feel it's more Biblical that way. 
That's my problem with the Artscroll Chumash. It's too clean. It's not Biblical. A Torah should be the old brown one with the bendy taped on binding.

The rabbi said the congregants were very dirty. He was accusing them of being Chametz. That's how unclean he said Mordy was. He said he had leaven on him.

And the rabbi talked for a very long time. It was a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. And it had something to do with Pesach. I think the message was something about not flatulating on Matzah.
The only Torah the rabbi really shared was that he has to give a long speech.

And truer words have never been spoken. "Farts chase away community." That was a disgusting fart. We smelled it in the women’s section.
How do you respond to that? Do you laugh? Do you leave? Everybody ignored it like nothing happened. All disgusted running from the area, but nothing happened?!
Now the board wants people to own their farts. They had a whole meeting about farts. They now have a flatulence committee. What the committee is trying to enforce now is the logging of farts. They want people to own their farts. And they are finding out that our shul has a bunch of liars. Not one person has taken fart accountability.
It was tough. The rabbi was constantly moving during the sermon. Like the fart was following him. At one point he delivered ten minutes of the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha in the women’s section, on the right side. Half of the shul was huddled there with him. And then the fart made its way over to the right side of the women’s section. So, the rabbi went back up to the Bima lectern. Ten people from the congregation went up with him, as they felt it was the only safe place.
I have never seen the rabbi move that much during a sermon. I’ve never seen a speaker move that much. And that’s even when they’ve let one go. Sometimes speakers use the walking technique to move away from their own flatulence. 
​
Now I understand the idea of the programs not being advertised with times and location. The shul runs programs to not see members. Well attended programs with no people. And the rabbi is happy with that. He is doing his job, running programs and he doesn't have to see people at them.

Very correct. Pepperidge Farm cookies make tons of crumbs. Even the skinny ones somehow get crumbs everywhere. Almost as bad as when I bight a Stella D'oro Swiss Fudge.
Fun event idea I just came up with. A Baruch Crumb Crawl around shul. To find all the crumbs before Pesach. A shul Bdikat Chametz event. We don't even need Baruch. We can do it after youth groups, following around the kids of our shul. They don't even need Pepperidge Farm. Dirty little things.

The rabbi told certain members they should shower before Shabbat for peace in the community. Because they smell real bad.
Some of the men think showering is Mivatel Torah (wasting time from Torah learning). They feel they should spend all their free time learning Torah. Being March Madness and now the baseball season, plus all the new series on Amazon Prime and Netflix, there is very little free time to learn Torah.

It’s very hard to be a good Jew. So much self-hating. Especially with the board. Even if you like Jews, you hate the shul board. You’ve got to fight for yourself now.
Why the news doesn’t mention any of this targeting civilians. It seems like it’s fine to target civilians if you’re not American or Israeli. If you're American or Israeli you have to say thank you to the Gazans and Iranians for holding up their children to shoot at them. And it's fine to target Israelis. They're not considered civilians, because they're Jewish. Or Jewish connected, which makes the Israeli Arabs evil too. And Israelis don't target civilians. The only civilians Israel targets are the ones who are in labs, trying to kill us. I'm just so mad about this Jew hatred. And they don't even have a reason. I go to shul. I have a reason to hate Jews.

It wasn't Lashon Hara about Finkelman. Everybody in the shul knows he's a jerk. It was Musar (rebuke). 
I like "you can’t be a piece of ----" rule. You have to greet people and look at them.
The tilt of the head that the rabbi mentioned is very important. The high head hold makes it so much more not friendly. They started using a protractor at the daily Minyin to ensure people were friendly enough to join. If they deem you not friendly, they force you into the pious head angle of humility.
They kicked one guy out whose head didn't align with the ninety-degree angle, during the Aleinu prayer bow. 

The class on how to not be a jerk was well attended. We have a lot of people in our shul that are working on being bigger pieces of ----.
A bunch of jerks. They notice you. And then they go right past you. That’s unless they need something. So, they think you like them, because whenever they need something, you end up smiling.

Over the course of the week, we learned Finkelman has ​glaucoma. He's had trouble seeing the past year or so. We started a Tehillim group for him. We hope his eyesight is back to a hundred percent.

How do you know Jews ate cold food in the desert on Shabbis? If not, it would have been Hot-Manna. (Mordechai)
You get it? Manna. Hotmana. So many levels. Hotmana, insulating food in certain ways to ensure it's hot, is Asur, forbidden on Shabbat. It would have also been hot Manna So the desert Manna was cold. Halachik and Biblical understanding is essential for the full benefit of the pun. Yet, Manna is also a "course" in modern Hebrew. Which is why secular Israelis always have a cold salad on Shabbat, in addition to the BBQ. Now, we understand the pin in Modern Hebrew, Biblical, Halacha (Jewish law). Sometimes, explaining a joke makes it worse. However, when you explain it at length, it makes it better.
 
These guys learning at that Yeshiva in Bnei Brak never stop with their word jokes. Oh. Those Talmidim at Punivitch. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Pun. Punivitch is a Yeshiva in Bnei Brak. Pun is in the name. "Pun" and "Ivitch." No idea what "Ivitch" is, but it must be something in Yiddish. Talmidim are students. I know that's not a pun, unless if we're talking about tall students. Midim has the same root word as "Midot," even though Midim is not a word. Nonetheless, Midot means measurements. Measuring tall. Let's go on.
 
These love birds at shul, they both had such soft skin. They had so much Ahava. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Ahava is love. Ahava is a company that sells Dead Sea products like lotions. They had a lot of love and hand cream. Ahava can be used for both. That's how this one works. They were using the hand cream, gave them soft skin. They were also in love. Sometimes you have to work backwards in a pun. We educate on how to read puns correctly, for full enjoyment and love. Ahava. This is not an advertisement for hand lotion. We received no money for this pun.

The rebbe’s Talmid had a very bad stomach. He was Acidic. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Acidic. Hassidic. He was a Chassid with a bad stomach. He was the rebbe’s Acid. After eating all the choolante and shnitzel, there were many Acidic Jews in Meah Shearim. That is factual. You would know if you were at the Tisch on Erev Shabbat. This pun was written with journalistic integrity.

I was worried about antisemitism in Jamaica. First thing the guy said to me on Purim was “Heyman.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? “Hey man” is how people say Hi. Haman. Haman wanted to kill the Jews. The guy in Jamaica was greeting me. There's a difference. I misunderstood. You can work this in so many ways to bring people joy on the holiday, as a hippie, walking around going, “Hey man!” Please note that the kids born after 1970 may not understand your pun. Nonetheless, people not understanding your pun should never stop you from doing your pun. Every pun artist knows this. Puns are not about getting laughs. They’re about sharing knowledge. I hope this encourages you to keep sharing your puns, even if people don’t want to hear them. It has never stopped me.
What I was doing in Jamaica for Purim, that’s a story.

Iran’s IRGC is now the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse. ​(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Was a Corps. Now it’s a Corpse. We added the “e.” Bringing you a feel-good pun.

Our board thought they did the right thing, ruining the sanctuary. They had a whole meeting where they talked about the Mishkan’s reckonings. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Reckonings in the Tabernacle. Reckoned. Its accounting. They just wrecked the shul. The board didn't account for anything. And this is why we allow rabbis to decipher what the laws are. And not the recording secretary of the board.

***Note: You've learned how puns can be used for education, journalistic reporting, and how to help one sell Israeli products. The education you received today should be an inspiration for you to never give up, no matter how unsuccessful you are at something. Success never stopped us from bringing you puns. And don’t listen to anybody on the board when they suggest that it's tradition to wreck the shul, even if that's what they've been doing for many years.

Announcements
Flights to Israel are now through Egypt. Thank Gd our congregants are safe. Our congregants that were in Israel did come back through Egypt. That’s how much they wanted to get out of Israel.
 
Shul Tehillim circle is not happening this week. Malka can’t make it, so there is no praying.
​
Mazel Tov to the Feldmans.
 
A Makom should only take up one seat. A Makom is your seat in shul. Everybody should know, Pinchas‘ Tallis doesn’t get a seat. His shawl isn’t a person. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say it to Pinchas. 
Pinchas. Please move your Tallis so people can sit.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our People Left Israel- The Jews of Today and Other Stuff Left Out of the Bible. Why None of Our Congregants Other Than Malka Know Hebrew. How To Wish a Mazel Tov to The Feldmans on Their Mazel Tov- Events That Are Not Specified and Other Stuff Our Office Will Explain. How Many Makoms Can You Take Up- A Games Night with Our Congregants- A Form of Musical Chairs to Be Played During Minyin.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Wise-hearted people worked on the Tabernacle. H’ didn’t want idiots... Because when you have idiots, working on the building, you have a Mechitzah that falls. The partition falls every time we Daven. You put up an egalitarian Mechitzah... It makes no sense. Wise-hearted people measure stuff. That’s why the Tabernacle didn’t fall... They took Mishkan apart, Bernie. The Tabernacle didn't fall.
And now that the wise people did their thing we speak of “the reckonings of the Tabernacle” (Shemot 38:21)... They didn’t wreck it. They reckoned it. That’s the problem with our shul. Our board thinks they’re fulfilling Gd’s word by wrecking everything. They ruin the shul and they think they're filling the Beit HaMikdash Miat... A shul is supposed to be a small Temple. And ours is very small, because of messed up renovations, that just turned into destruction... How you call breaking a wall “renovations” is...

The materials. This is what we got from the people. They weren’t just wise. They were giving. Which is why the renovations of the Tabernacle didn’t take three years. The donations to the Mishkan were given... You people say you will give. It doesn't happen. By the Tabernacle, they donated what they said they'd donate. They weren’t trying to all work tax write-offs at the same time...
It worked because their Levites showed up for services... And they showed up on time...

Even when they traveled. Even when they were in the dangerous desert, they did things right. They reckoned in the hard times.
They were worried about hate, but the one “whose heart motivates him” donated (Shemot 35:5). They said they want to help, not like our congregants... You ran when we asked you to hold up the Mechitzah, Brian. Because Brian has no heart. That’s what made them people with hearts... I’m not sure. I’m guessing the desert was dangerous, with Amalek and the Ites.
We need people with heart who show up... People with heart donate. They give even in the hard times. They participate in building. Not ruining... What has been hard Brian?... I know it's hard to get into a new series. That's a very tough time. We all go through hard times in our lives, when we finish streaming a series and have no idea what to do...
They didn't have nice cars back then. They didn't have fancy houses in the desert... They didn't have trucks taking up the whole highway moving their homes. You think everything was so easy in the desert, because of the Manna. I get it Cheryl. It wasn't as easy as you have it. You have Manna every day. A whole supermarket full of it...
It's about heart. This Drasha is about heart... Not about going to the supermarket and picking up food you find disgusting and donating it to poor people. That is just rude...

You need heart. Flights to Israel are messed up. I get it. But it's our homeland. It's where we pray to be... You're all praying to get out of there. "Oh. H'. Please help me get out of Jerusalem." That's your prayer... Why? Because you have no heart.
So the idea is to travel out of Israel, through places that hate Jews, to avoid places that hate Jews... Egypt. Germany is now the safest place to travel through... Turkey. Felvel came back through Turkey, who promises to destroy Israel.
You couldn’t spend more time in Israel. How you wanted to get out of there. You were willing to risk your life...
But you Daven in Egypt. You show up on time to services when there is nobody to pray with... I get it. Leaving Egypt. That is when we erected the Mishkan. Is that what you're all doing running out of Israel? Trying to rebuild the Tabernacle?!

You need heart to do stuff right.
Egypt is separating men and women in the airports. Which the Feinwitz family appreciated. Mr. Feinwitz hates his wife.... We only separate for prayer and celebrations. We travel together in this shul... OK. Unless if it’s on a bus.

And now there’s no Tehillim. Our people need Tehillim now. They’re getting bombed. But they don't get the prayers of Psalms because Malka is the only one in this shul with a heart... Malka has a wise heart. Wise-hearted Malkie.
And that is why Malka is in Israel right now. Stuck there. Because she has a heart... People booking bad tickets, and forgetting to catch their flight, takes heart... I don't know if Malka would have helped build the Tabernacle. I can say, she would've donated something. I know she dropped off the expired box of Cheerios for the poor people... At least it was a name brand, Mark. You're bringing Good Value ‘O’s... Is that even a brand? It's a sale sign. You donated Walmart Sale Sign ‘O’s. The poor people do not appreciate your heart.

What are the Feldmans celebrating?  We just got a Mazel Tov in the announcements. Nothing else... Well. Mazel Tov on your Mazel Tov. You should be blessed with good heart and reckonings. And a board that is not involved in your home's renovations. They will wreck it.

Pinchas. Heart is not about taking up the whole things. Moshe didn't help with the reckonings, and the reckon the whole place for himself...
You take up whole row with his Tefillin, coat, bags. His Tallis has a spot. A spot for a Tallis. We’re going to charge your Tallis on the High Holidays.
People sitting next to you might happen in shul. That's what happens when you pray with people... There are other people here... Your Shtender has a chair. It’s a free-standing lectern with its own chair. You have a conductor table in shul with its own seat.... And you were all against pews. At least you could justify a pew being yours... It's five seats. But one. 
I'm just asking you all to have heart. To share. To give. To not mess up the building of our shul like the dumb-hearted.

When you have a heart, nothing stops you from being good. Man's Search for Meaning. Read it... I know it's not in Hebrew. Yet, it's a great Sefer. It's Torah… It’s not because you haven’t read the book. You have no heart because you’re an idiot.
When you have a good heart, you don't take up every seat... It is wise-hearted to keep Bernie away. I get it. In that case, taking up space...
When you keep that heart you travel as a Jew and risk your life. You travel to Israel. You say Tehillim, even without Malka. You move. When you have a good heart, you're in good shape. Your cardiovascular system...
No heart. Just selfishness. This is why we lost the shul basketball league this year. No heart.

You win with heart. Renovations are done right with heart. You reckon with heart. And with heart, we wish the Feldmans a Mazel Tov... People didn't donate Mazel Tovs to the Tabernacle...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi ended the Drasha on a whole fitness thing, talking about having a good heart. And somehow aerobics leads to donations.
​And even after the sermon, people still haven't paid their Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeals.  But they did donate a bunch of Chametz to the poor people, dropping the expired cans off at the shul, reckoning the shul very not Kosher for Pesach. 
I have a feeling people clean their homes, drop off their Chametz at the shul, and claim it's for poor people. Basically, their donations are their issues they're throwing at the shul. They trauma dump their garbage on the shul.

Very few people were in shul. They saw it was a double Parsha. That scared them away. To quote Evie, “The Levites didn’t show up when there was a double Parsha.”

That supermarket full of Manna line. Brilliant. That's Jewish theology in four words.
Why the rabbi always talks about fancy cars in the times of the Torah. No idea. We know Lincoln Town Cars didn't exist back then.
I think the rabbi's main point was they didn't have a Kosher section in the desert. And they still donated to their shul. Which was the Mishkan. And they showed up to services.

The rabbi ended his sermon with a shul chant. “We are Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah and we have heart. When the game is on, we always start.” Made no sense and it had no beat.
The name of our shul is too long to root for. That's why we always lose.

I guess the Ites are a people. The rabbi said so.

The rabbi had to take back the risking your life part with the whole leaving Israel thing. It scared people. In a class during the week, he was asked when it's fine to risk your life. He made it clear that the only time it's fine to risk your life is when Kashering your kitchen for Pesach. At that point, throwing boiling water and taking a blowtorch to your home is fine.

All of these flights are crazy now. Got to fly through the most dangerous places. Truth be told, Iran is the safest place to fly through. Nobody is aiming for those airports.
The IRGC of Iran really kills flights and vacations. They will ruin a good trip.
Our Jewish people over here will do anything to not be in Israel. Our congregants will show their solidarity in every way but being there. They will go on a walk for Israel. They will shop for Israel. They dedicate their vacations to Florida to Israel. At the Kiddish luncheon, Michel dedicated his gefilte fish to Israel, and ate it.

Malka is not back from Israel because she missed her flight. She wanted out of Israel too. She's just as much of a heretic as every one of us. But she does lead a good Tehillim prayer service. Very melodic.

Tehillim circle is messed up. They just come to talk. Most of them are knitting scarves. It’s more of a sewing circle. A sewing and talking about people circle. It’s a Tehillim Lashon Hara circle. Being that we have some Israelis who show up, and they're talking in Hebrew, it sounds very religious.

The donations are messed up. I'll just leave it as that. Our shul is the expired food bank.

At least the shul announced some stuff that was happening this week. Like a Mazel Tov to the Feldmans. A Mazel Tov sounds like enough of an event. A Mazel Tov is something to celebrate. I love hearing "Mazel Tov." If you see me, wish me a Mazel Tov. Mazel Tovs are always good. If my husband dies, I'll be fine hearing Mazel Tov.

Taking up five Makoms. Not a lie. These people take up five seats. His tallis has a spot. The guest stood for forty-five minutes, trying to figure out if it was proper to ask the Tallis to move.
They all take up four to six spots. Whole rows. They take up whole rows. I think they pay dues and they feel they have the right to a row. Our shul holds a hundred eighty people or five of our members at morning Minyin.
B”H there are no pews. I'm against the rabbi and his pews idea. If there were pews, Pinchas would take up the whole shul. He would have at least five pews. A pew for his Tefillin. His Tefillin would have a pew. He would lay out his jacket. I was once in a waiting room with Pinchas. No other family in the ICU got a couch. He claimed them all. One of them was Pinchas' coat. One couch was the food he picked up at Costco. He said he needed a couch for it because the boxes of chips were too big.

Because they called for the musical chairs Makom game to be played during Minyin, nobody showed up to the event. It turns out that prayers chase people away from our shul.

Announcements
We're having an enhanced Kiddish for love this week. It will include strawberries. That’s the enhancement. 
Malkie loves strawberries. She said they are tantamount to love, because she loves them. Please address Malkie with any questions about why there is no mango or passion fruit. Or dragon fruit for that matter.
 
Mark Sandwich Night will be this Thursday. It’s an art. The way he cuts. Stacks. It’s a sight to see. He folds the bread too. Spreads mayonnaise. The sisterhood will be cooking brisket and kugels and ensuring all is set up. Mark will be placing the food on the bread. And thus, we call it Mark Sandwich Night, and we do not mention the sisterhood.
 
We're starting to try to draw more old couples. We want more elderly in our shul. The board has decided against youth. We want an elderly shul. We are starting an old couples club.
We have noticed that we have a lot of young couples now in the shul, and for some reason, we are now broke.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Enhanced Kiddishes Never Fill You Up- How Our Board Lets You Down- A Study in Strawberries. How to Take Credit for What Other People Do- A Study in Mark Sandwich night. Why Have Young Couples When You Have Our Shul- A Shul with No Hope.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s about love. And Pinny doesn't have anybody who loves him…
(Shemot 22:27) “Do not curse Gd, and do not curse a leader of your people.” Cursing is wrong. You’re cursing right now Bernie...
Can we stop with the Klalot. So much cursing. You’re cursing right now under your breath. We see it, Sadie. Everybody hates Malka Chaya. We get it. But you have to stop cursing... Help her buy a new hat that’s less annoying... It’s huge Malka. What the ----....
You curse everybody. You've got to calm down with the cursing under your breath. And we hear it too. How we hear what you are not saying. You're yelling your murmurs...

We know H’. Of course, you can’t curse or blaspheme H’. But you also can’t curse a leader... Did Gd cut you off on the highway?! No. It was that piece of...
An actual commandment. Don't curse your leaders. You also can’t curse your rabbi... Well, you should go to... I'm a leader... Who is standing up here at the Bima, talking to a bunch of heretics? Exactly.
You’re not leaders. You can be cursed. If Sadie deems it, she can curse you... Pouring drinks at the Kiddish club does not make you a Nassi.

It’s about love and appreciation. You show appreciation by not cursing... I don't think I can expect much more from this congregation. Not cursing is a step in the right. What the... Did that child just run between me and the lectern. What the...

(Shemot 23:5) “When you see the donkey of the one you hate crouching under its load, would you stop from helping him?” I know Baruch would. We know you wouldn't help. You didn’t even help when the Babka fell last week. You just watched them picking it up while you ate the Danish...
“You must surely help with him.” Help. An idea. A concept. Something the Kiddish Club has never done... You can help with a hedgehog too... A hamster as well...
You notice how it says “with him.” You do things together. You help your enemy with him. You make love... You help. You make peace. You make love. Unlike Mark who never helps around the house. Or Pinny who hasn't been in a relationship in eight years... I know about Mark. We do couples counseling. 
Hey! I fulfil the Mitzvahs. I helped lift Shlomo when he got drunk and fell before Musaf...

You don’t help and that is why there is hatred. That’s why you all curse each other.
If Malka Chaya’s hat falls, I understand. Don’t help. Stomp on that huge purple thing. It’s like you’re wearing Barnie on your head...

We have to help our congregation. Do things together that are helpful. Like getting rid of congregants...

Cut the strawberries together. Help...
I have no idea what an enhanced Kiddish is. It’s always the same as the other Kiddishes. A very misleading word... The Kiddish is enhanced with love. That's what it is.
Strawberries are love... You don’t give your loved one dried figs. Figs are not romantic... Dragon fruit shows more love than passion fruit. You open a passion fruit, it looks disgusting. Like Harold with his clothes off... Harold is the reason the shul stopped going to the beach years ago.
Honestly. We have to stop calling these things enhanced Kiddishes. It's a Mekach Taot. A faulty sale. Ruben would've never come to shul if he didn't think the Kiddish was enhanced.
It's like telling your enemy you're going to help and then not. You say it's going to be a great Kiddish. But then, strawberries. That's it. Not even an extra Kugel...
Maybe the strawberries will help Mark and Pinny find love again. Something they haven't had. Maybe Mark will give his wife a strawberry and they will make up. And I won't have to hear about him being a lazy piece of... We get it Jaclyn. We all know he is.

Mark. I respect your sandwich making ability. It brings the sisterhood together to make your sandwiches...
You have a love of sandwiches. If you loved your wife like your pastrami.
If you helped around the house. Maybe cooked with her, instead of spreading mayonnaise like you're a chef... Then, maybe your wife would stop cursing you... I know. I do couples therapy with them.
The guy spreads stuff like that's helpful. He spreads out all of his stuff on the counter and leaves. You help. You clean up together... You're not a chef. What kind of a chef can't cook. You're a lunch packer...

We are trying to not draw youth. We are having an Old Couples Club. I love it.
We need old people... You're saying we don't need old people because you took all their money. Now you don’t care about them. And you don't even visit... I know they can move. But they're old. You visit old people. You help lift donkeys and you visit old people. That's the Torah on one food... 
No old people should be standing on one foot. They will fall...
No. I don't want to see youth. They throw their lollipops all over the floor. They cry when they pull your hair. Not one of them can do Hagba.
No youth groups. It's an old group...

Respect old people. They curse you out, because they're old. You have to respect them... They’re in the old age home. They donated the shul... You’re not their child. You never were getting their money. Visit.
The youthful shul idea is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. “We want congregants that don’t pay dues.”
This is why we have hatred. Young people don't help. And you're serving strawberries instead of enhancing the Kiddish...

Other things that cause hatred. Judges that don't do their job. (Shemot 23:1-2)
Wrong judgement also causes lack of love. And we judged young people as being helpful.
It all comes back to not cursing and not causing curses, like Bernie and the back left... When you get a messed-up decision from a judge, you curse. Whenever the board decides on something dumb, like enhanced Kiddishes, you curse... Because you expected it will be enhanced...
“You must not follow the majority to do evil...” The majority would not help the one that is their enemy. And I know this because Fran and Bernie will help nobody in the shul, and they hate everybody.
No love... Basically. Do not follow anybody in our congregation and you will be doing the right thing...
(Shemot 23:3) Even siding with poor people is wrong. It causes lack of love. You judge everybody the same. And that is why I say this whole shul is messed up. You should all go to...

If we had normal people that would help... Anything would help more than Mark and his scooping out of a bagel, like he's working a delicacy... The poor people at least help with cleanup.
And no cursing the rabbi. You pieces of...
Helping and doing together makes for love. Let us all get Malka Chaya a new hat. Let's get a committee that knows how to enhance a Kiddish. And let us get more old people... Old people are allowed to curse. That's what they do...
You don't curse out the guy you hate while helping with his donkey... 

I'm changing the name of our shul to The Shul With No Hope. Beit Knesset LLo Tikvah. Where the members are a bunch of donkey pieces of... May we all praise H' together...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly got into the cursing. I counted eighteen curses coming out of his mouth during the sermon. I believe he was trying to get across the lesson that a leader can curse at his constituents, and that the congregation is full of a bunch of pieces of...

The rabbi fought back and cursed Bernie and the back left of the shul, because they’re not leaders. They think they're leaders. They do run the Kiddish club.
I think the rabbi was calling Shlomo a donkey and the Kiddish club people he hates.

Sadie has very loud under breath. We hear it.
The whole shul curses eachother. Middle of the Amidah, the silent prayer, they're moving their lips. I will put my money on it that the members of our shul are not praying. They're cursing the other congregants out, under their breath. This is what I heard Sadie saying during the Amidah, "And to the heretics, like Michael Shlomo... And may H' wipe out our enemies and Malka's hat. That piece of... The one who hears my prayers to never have to see Mark and his wife again..."

Malka Chaya’s hats get everybody mad. Eight-inch brims. She passes you and she hits you. For the Amidah, when she takes the three steps back and bows from side to side, the whole section gets whacked by her hat.

They have to stop with this enhanced Kiddish. They bring up our hopes. And then they never have enough Danish. People hear enhanced and they all show up. Huge numbers. Huge crowds show up and the don't even get a Kichel.
It's an enhanced number of people. That's what they enhance at these Kiddishes. People. They haven't figured out how to enhance the food. Maybe next time they'll throw glitter on the Tzimis.

I can't believe the rabbi called Mark a lunch packer. That's not nice. It's got to be a curse. It's got to be. I think the rabbi was out of line. Never call somebody a lunch packer.
Mark’s sandwich hand movement. Amazing. It's a talent. As he spreads the Thousand Island, he opens his hands like he's presenting it. Brilliance. It's a presentation with his hands. The laying out of the vegetables. It’s a true art.
Mark doesn't cook. But that's not his thing. His wife and the sisterhood fry the eggplants. He places them on bread. His specialty is placement. That’s his focus. Placing the vegetable. Not cutting it. The sisterhood cuts them. Mark doesn’t put his hands in harm’s way. And that's why he's the star.
The sisterhood should get some credit, for the kitchen prep, the cooking, the cleanup, the shopping. Mark didn't help with that. It was like they did it together with him, but he did it alone.
He takes credit. That's what Mark Sandwich Night is. A night for Mark to not give credit to the sisterhood.
Truth is, nobody in the sisterhood can lay out an eggplant and onion like Mark.

The youth of our shul are selfish and not one of them can do Hagba. The rabbi is not happy about that. And the young couples only care about themselves. At least old people care. It's the old people that scream at the kid.
These young couples can care less about their elderly. These young idiots think the shul just got here. The old people built it, pay for it, and watch the young couples and their kids ruin it. 
The rabbi is now fighting with the youth director who insists that there needs to be more posters on the wall. As part of renovations, the youth director feels it's important to bring down the value of the shul.

At least old coupes give something to the shul. They help. I have never heard, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Miriam and Alex who just had a baby." No. It's, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Linda and Harry on the birth of their new grandson." And what's amazing is old people have never said, "That's an enhanced Kiddish." You know why? Because it makes no sense. Kids hear enhanced and they get all excited. 
Old couples makes all the sense. You don't have to deal with the kids running around. You don't see the kids, but you celebrate all of their Simchas.
Youth kill congregations. I have never heard youth say, “Let me help and pick up the lollipop I threw on the carpet.” I'm with the rabbi on this new Old Movement. An Elderly Movement, I love it. I'm changing Beitar right now. Elderly Zionists. 
The Old People Youth Movement Shabbatons in the shul will consist of one program and then sleep. It's much easier than these youth conventions. I put in my resume to be the Old People Director.

In the end, nobody joined the old couples club. Not even the old people. The eighty-year-olds in our shul are insisting they're youth. I believe they said, "We're youthful." Which sounds quite amusing coming from Fran, who ran out of breath and stopped three times to finish that sentence. 
Youthful? I think they're just trying to get out of having to donate anything to the shul. They see the youth giving nothing and they want to give that.
I’m still pushing for more old people and less enhanced Kiddishes. Where, for some reason, they have more food.

Announcements
The rabbi said the Gabai is not allowed to call up relatives for a first birthday party. To quote, "A child turning one is not our problem." Kal VaChomer, even more so, a two-year old’s birthday party.
Your family coming in to celebrate is great. It’s not a Simcha, even if Malkie's parents think it’s important. The shul can care less.
And nobody has to give gifts. We want to make that clear. Don't feel the need to buy the little one something pink.
 
No more dried fruit are allowed in our shul. Tu BShvat was a beautiful holiday last week. However, our congregants do not have the stomach for figs and not salted almonds.
 
The Torah holder has been fixed. They are there now. From now on, following Hagba, the Torah will be able to be placed in the holder.
This is about Kavod and future respect shown to people who are not as weak as Yankel, who can barely lift a Torah cover. We as a congregation want to apologize for giving Hagba last week to Melech Simcha. It was disrespectful. Making him sit there for forty-five minutes. He thought it was a Kavod. That changed very fast. Somebody should’ve done the Torah take away, and handed the Torah to the Galilah guy that nobody respects.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Parents Who Celebrate What Nobody Cares About- How Malkie's Birthday Means Nothing If She Won't Remember It. Tu BShvat Stomach Aches- How Our Congregants Find A Way to Complain Even When They're Not Saying Anything. When Hagba Turns Disrespectful- A Kavod That Turns Into a Forty-Five Minute Ordeal.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 19:4-6) After leaving Egypt and seeing all the miracles, H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. “Now. If you listen, listen, to My voice and guard My covenant, you will be a treasured people from all other nations, because the land belongs to Me. And you will be a princely people. A holy nation.” Listen. Not one of you listens... That's why you're not a treasured congregation. You're a treasured people with a very poor board who wastes a lot of money.
"If you listen." You have to listen... If you don't. You have our congregation. You have our membership. And you have people who don’t know when to stand for the Amidah... Listen. For crying out loud. The one thing you're asked to do as a treasured people. Listen. And I have to deal with a people that has ADD. The Gabai makes the announcement every Shabbis. Every single time. “Page 368”... 

You have to be a holy nation. We are called on to be this. You have to work at it. You do this by listening... I have to repeat this?! Again. I always have to repeat for your guys. Listen. 368. Musaf begins on page 368...

Listening is an action we're called on to do. Mitzvahs are a actions we're called on to do. Renovations is not the action we're called upon to do. And the board has been very good at not finishing them... And losing our money. The shul treasury is gone...

You think I know what a covenant is? I don’t have that good of a vocabulary. A Breet, I understand.

‘Now.” Why now? Why after the miracles? Because you people are impossible to convince. Even once you listen, you start asking questions, like, "Is there really going to be chocolate mousse at Kiddish?"... There isn't. It's just an example. You don't even believe when we have the enhanced Kiddish... I don't know what that means. I think they just enhance the choolante with paprika...
I couldn’t even convince you to get a new awning for the shul.
That’s why H’ has to say listen twice. Has to make sure you're listening, so He doesn't have to waste His time convincing you again. "Listen. You just saw Me split the sea. You saw Me place boils on everybody. I turned water into blood. The sea. I split a sea for crying out loud, and I still don't have your attention. Water from the rock. How about that one. Now are you convinced? Will you listen now? Do I need to get David Copperfield for showmanship?! Like the Manna and quail was not enough?"
You guys don't listen. If this was Simon Says... ​We played Simon Says. He said it and... You argued he didn’t say to touch your toes. You didn’t listen...

Rabbi says listen.
Now. Let’s talk. That's what H' is saying. He finally got their attention after fifteen national miracles and holding a mountain over their heads... No. Listen. I will not repeat this. 
We are going to make a Breet. To work on... OK. Want to call it a covenant. OK. Just listen. No more renovations. You're going to do Mitzvahs right. You're going to wrap Tefillin on your arms... I thought the lace boot was a Tefillin strap...
Rabbi says to listen...

Birthdays for little toddlers is not in the covenant... Breet is covenant. That’s what Bracha says it means. 
Gd did not command us to take pictures of kids that can't place a piece of cake in their mouth. There is not Mitzvah to take a picture of a child that messed up and got frosting all over their face... It's embarrassing. 
Expecting family to come in for a two-year old’s birthday is not fair... It’s not a Bar anything... I know it’s a girl. It’s not a Bat anything. It’s not a Mitzvah. It's you trying to get out of having to pay for onesies... We celebrate twelve, because she'll remember that. She'll be able to listen at that point...

If you would’ve listened and not eaten two pounds of dried figs...
You spent the week after Tu BShvat complaining to H’ that His creation gives you stomach aches. The worst celebration, because you didn’t listen to my advice. Now you’re a constipated people...
If you were Israelis, you would appreciate it. They can handle dried fruit and nuts. They start their toddlers on peanuts, cashews, almonds, sunflower seeds... This way, they can enjoy Tu BShvat... They’re called Pitzuchim. Israelis celebrate Tu BShvat all year... Because they have the stomach for it...
You are not supporting the JNF by eating dried fruit. There are no dried fruit trees...
I have to convince you of this?! Meredith has been puking for the past week. Now do you believe me?!...
Rabbi says to eat in moderation on Tu BShvat...
​
The rabbi didn't say to give Beshalach Hagba to Melech Simcha...
You got Hagba because the Gabai doesn't like you. It was disrespect. We don’t have our Torah holder. The holes need to be fixed in the holder. It's disrespect... That was rude. Giving it to Melech Simcha. A good guy. Should’ve given the long Hagba Torah hold to Pinny. Melech Simcha is a good guy... Chas vShalom. Bernie can't even hold himself up...
And it was Beshalach last week. That was like five Haftorahs. Boy. That was long. I timed his sitting with the Torah at forty-five minutes.
Didn’t even do the Hagba to Galilah switch. Usually, the Hagba guy bullies the Galilah loser.
Melech Simcha thought he was getting a Kavod, and then he had to sit there for the longest Haftorah... Should've broken that up. The rabbis did that to get back at somebody in Babylonia. And then the Chazin sang. He was doing tunes for Av Harachamim. Who does that?!
The Chazin and the Gabai have to ask Melech Simcha for forgiveness... The rabbi says so...

I have to repeat this?! I said I wouldn't repeat it. You didn't listen again... Don't give Hagba to people you like, until the Torah holder gets fixed. You don't do that to treasured people...

It’s Segulah. Treasure. Not chosen. What is this chosen?... We were chosen yes. To be an Am Segulah. Treasured to listen to Gd and to be hated by everybody. And you never listen... I can't stand you because you don't listen... You were not chosen to not listen. Listen. I will be repeating this sermon. If I ever witness the miracle of you hearing the sermon... The congregation is hard of hearing. Bernie and Merv are aging. Sadie is ninety. If somebody would have told me. I'll talk louder...

So, what does Am Segulah mean? People hate us. That's the translation...
You give somebody Hagba and you make him hold the Torah, they hate you. You get all selfish and give Hagba to Melech Simcha. Now he’s never coming back.
A treasured people to get stomach cramps from dried fruit. A holy people with acid reflux. A treasured people who can't hear and doesn't listen. A princely people...
Treating the two-year-old like a prince. That's annoying. A reason to hate the Feldmans...

Now. Again. Page 368!!!!! Rabbi says turn to page 368.

May we merit to listen and be a holy treasured people... Page 368!!!!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi started a new game called Rabbi Says Listen. The idea is for people to listen to him and not argue. That's the game. He said it's a lot of fun. 
We once had Simon Says. It was pathetic. Simon left mid-game. He yelled, "How can I do this game if nobody listens. Do I hearing test before you bring Simon back." And then he ran. Simon talks about himself in third person. 
It was interesting that Simon was running Simon Says. He felt pegged as a child. Other kids in his class went into tech because their parents named them Alexander and Sandra.

Nobody listens. Gabai announces the Kedusha pages. We have to do it again. Never listen. They never listen. Sermons would be so much quicker if the congregants listened.
I believe I caught the sermon. Segulah. Chosen. Treasured. Hated. Rabbi hates our congregants.

So. Breet means covenant.
The rabbi made a covenant with the congregation that he can't stand them. And they have to listen.

These enhanced Kiddishes add nothing. They enhance the amount of people that show, and then I get less food. So, they add Kugel, and it's gone.

Haven’t finished renovations. We are not good at the actions. We talk about doing stuff, but we don't do. We're very good at talking. We're not good at listening and making things happen. 
The shul is now broke, because they thought the paint job needed to be done by somebody who was from the treasured people. It turns out you have to pay Feivel Moshe more when he paints.
Somebody brought up the idea of using Tim, is not Jewish. That would've been cheaper, but nobody listened. And now we're broke. And that’s why our members didn’t understand how they are part of the treasured nation.

They wanted gifts for Becky’s party. Two years old. The gift is for the Feldmans. What are they going to do with Onesies? Show up to the office in a Onesie. Messed up.
I think they wanted to save on clothes and toys for the little one. Thus, they had a party for the little girl who couldn’t even figure out how to blow out the candles. That was pathetic. We had to sit there for ten minutes trying to explain to her that she has to blow. She burped. That was it.
The rabbi now refuses to announce birthdays. He said, "We have too much to care about. I can't afford another gift." It's messed up. And you can't give used gifts when it's a party. So now, our congregation has an overflow of pink headbands with bows.
Going off on Av Harachamim, the Chazin was rubbing it in, mocking Melech Simcha. He knew Melech Simcha was sitting there, trying to hold the Torah with all of his Kavanah, trying to pretend like people aren’t laughing at him. Such a selfish showoff. The Chazin honestly has no Midot. Here, Melech Simcha is sitting there, looking like an idiot, and the Chazin is putting on a show. I’m just worried Melech Simcha will never be respected by his kids again.
In school, the kids were all talking about how strong their dads were. Melech Simcha’s kids always won, talking about their dad and his Hagba skills. That argument is over. Now Pinny’s kids are like, “My dad did Galilah. Made your dad do Hagba and sit there. Your dad works for my dad.” And Melech Simcha’s kids just sat there. Like their dad. He can’t come back to our shul after that.

Sitting next to Fran, she lets loose even without dried fruit. The dried fruit made it so bad. All of Shabbis, I had to hear it.
I went to sit on the other side of the shul, and people were asking why I moved. I told them, "Tu BShvat. Fran had Tu BShvat."
I hope Tu BShvat goes away by next week. Tu BShvat in our shul is a kind of stomach disease.

Punished with Hagba and no Torah holder. That was rude. They raise his hopes. He thinks he's important. And then everybody's looking at him still sitting there, like him like he's a loser. 
They have you sit there. Just holding the Torah for half hour. Whole time you’re thinking, “I hope it doesn’t drop.” They should just put it back right away. It's a punishment. They sit you in the corner and tell you it's a Mitzvah. They're all going out for schnapps, and you're stuck there holding the Torah with a hangover.

Rabbi started a Simon Says Shiur. The Rabbi Says Listen. He told them to follow in the Chumash. Not one person did it. He had to kick everybody out.

Announcements
All Minyins will be in shul. Even when it’s snowing outside. The rabbi says Zoom is not considered a location. And thus, we cannot have a Minyin there, even if Rebecca says so. To quote, "The cyber universe is not a place, even if there are cyber planets within. The Torah was not given to the cyber people. Thus, we will not be having Zoom Minyins. To note, we also don't count bots for a Minyin."
 
Due to Rebecca, the rabbi has Asured the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah WhatsApp group. To quote, “Our congregants are idiots.” It is also forbidden to post on any community thread about Jewish stuff until you check with the rabbi that it is Jewish stuff. 
 
Everybody is still getting used to Harold’s mustache. We want to commend Harold on not giving up and keeping the thing. We have counted, and there have been upwards of twelve-hundred comments about how that thing looks like an animal on his face.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Counts for a Minyin- How Missing Shul and Turning on Your Computer Was Not Commanded in The Torah. Why Nobody Should Listen to Rebecca- How Your Opinions Aren't Jewish. Harold’s Mustache- A Study in Awkward Hair Growth on His Face in Halacha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
My friend asked me if they sang in Israel this week. And of course they did. The final hostage is home, and a song of unity...
Yes. They asked Moshe if there weren’t enough graves in Egypt... We have graves here in Topeka. There are graves everywhere. I don't know if the Jews thought that the rest of the world had no graves.... Yes. They were being sarcastic. Anything in question that doesn't have a question mark is sarcasm. Do I enjoy being here... Do I enjoy answering that question. Bad grammar is sarcasm... 
My friend's question was a real one. And they sung Acheinu...

(Shemot 14:24) The Egyptians said, “Let us flee from the Israelites, for Gd is fighting for them against Mitzrayim.” Not a fair fight. I know... Why does it have to be fair? The question is what is right. It's not fair that I have to deal with your questions. Your dumb questions, and they're not even sarcastic. And your off tune singing. It's not fair...
If H' is stepping in, maybe you step down. You let don't let your ego get in the way. Even the Egyptians knew when to stop. You disband the board... And they didn't stop and they went in the sea and died. Like our membership, who has killed fun and connection to Gd...

(Shemot 15:1) “Then Moshe and the children of Israel sang.” “Then.” Were they not singing before?... No, they weren’t. Pessy. They were suffering enough. They didn’t have to hear congregants singing too. The worst voices in this place... I am thinking we should skip Kedusha... It’s not OK to skip Kedusha Rebecca. There she goes again. I am talking about having to hear you sing Kedusha. Our shul should just say stuff. No singing. Put the Torah back in the Aron and say Etz Chayim Hi...

(Shemot 15:21) Miriam tells the women, “Sing to God for He is most exalted; horse and rider He cast into the sea.” She didn’t look to the men of our shul to help out... Because that’s not redemption. That would be a curse. She wasn't trying to make things sound worse. She was trying to drowned out the men. If they sounded anything like the back left during Kedusha...
When we overcome. We sing. When it’s over. When we feel that pure connection to Gd. Not tainted by the enemy or bad harmony. We can sing. We are now free... We are free because I don't hear any of our members singing right now...
They sang. They didn’t ask questions about graves then. Moshe didn’t have to deal with questions for a day... And he sang too. He had freedom for a day. Yes. Moshe had an excellent voice when he sang. He wasn't a great talker. But his singing voice. Great range...
Miriam’s song was responsive. Because women sing better than men. They know how to listen before they harmonize, unlike the men at our Minyin...
Ran Gvili is back. Our nation can sing today...

You all want fairness and equality. Not one of you want moral. Like the Mitzrim. You follow your feelings. Blasphemous feelings about Zoom Minyins... Even your Minyins aren't from Gd. How can you do a Minyin and still be anti-Gd... Rebbeca. Exactly. That’s how you end up in the sea. Are there moral people here... That was sarcastic... The question is when will there be truth. When we're not clouded by darkness and we can see Gd, we can sing...

We can’t sing on Zoom. There is a lag. It doesn’t work. The harmony is worse than shul. I didn't think that was possible...
So now snow ended Yiddishkeit? Is that what I’m seeing on the group chat?!
Minyin has to be at shul... Why is Rebecca on the thread anyways?! It’s a Minyin thread and... You don’t count for Minyin either Rebecca. Even if you suggest it...
Rebecca. You also suggested to drive on Shabbis. And then you suggested that men and women sit together. Do you not know this is an Orthodox shul... I understand there are a lot of heretics here. But we follow Halacha. The congregants don’t. But the shul does. It's a Halachik shul of people who don't follow Halacha. And that is why we have the board making decisions... That was sarcastic, and it wasn't even a question...
To quote the rabbi emeritus, "Until Zoom costs three million dollars, and Sadie Feinberg dedicates it, it's not a place to Daven. When Zoom has a board, you can make the decision then..." 
You can see Gd when it's snowing...
​
No more groups. No more community groups. No more social media... We are going to learn Torah from Sefers. From books... Because when you do something online, the next thing you know, our sanctuary is in somebody’s living room. And we’re having Minyin while Shloimi’s wife is telling him to take out the trash. Because Rebecca suggested it... If we could get Shloimi to take out the garbage before Minyin, maybe we could think of having a Zoom service... Services are not Minyins. They're prayers for not religious people...
The lesson. Never listen to congregants.

The one thing people should listen to is congregants’ comments on Harold’s mustache...
I commend Harold. Kol Hakavod. I wouldn’t be able to grow one of those. I don’t think I could weather an eight-month storm of comments about my face. I'm going to keep the beard... Because nobody comments on beards. They just say, “I didn’t know you had that.” They don’t say, “Are you living in the ‘70s?” “You’re like Tom Sellek if women were not attracted to him.” “Did a gerbil die on your face."
I'm not shaving my beard. The double chin...
If Rebecca said “you shouldn’t come to shul looking like Harold” OK.

Rashi teaches Az Yashir, “Then, when he (Moshe) saw the miracle, it entered his mind that he should sing... And he sang.”
You have to see the miracle. I see a miracle when I have congregants that think Zoom is a place... It would be a miracle if Zoom was a shul... Because it's impossible, Rebecca. Like it's COVID... You won't catch COVID from Bernie. You'll catch an annoying conversation and bad jokes. If you come to shul, you'll catch a lot of really bad voices...
The crazy thing is they’ve been singing in Israel even when dealing with our enemies. "Am Yisrael Chai." That’s how strong our nation is now. We sing when being chased. Because we are in Israel. Once you’re in Israel, you are free... Stuff is very expensive. But you’re free. Why I had to answer that.
They sing all the time. We are living in the "then." We are past Zoom. And they complain about the price of cottage cheese...
You people should never sing. You’re not in Israel. There is antisemitism. And you have bad voices. And you can’t harmonize...

(Shemot 15:26) “If you listen to Gd’s voice...” Gd's voice is beautiful. The reason you people get sick is you’re a bunch of sinners. And you sing bad... And you complain...

Oh. After the song and the miracle, the Jews complained right away... Why. Because they couldn’t find a decent water filter. Is that not like our sisterhood...
I understand Miriam led the women in song… No, Rebecca. Women cannot lead services. We are an Orthodox shul. And Miram was Orthodox…

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi turned that singing lesson around real fast. I think he manipulated what we learn from the splitting of the Sea because he didn't want to hear us sing.
The rabbi complaining about us singing is tantamount to the Jews complaining about dying in the desert. That's the main lesson of this week's Drasha.

Our congregants connected to the Jews complaining at the bitter waters, right after the Egyptians drowned. They complained right after the sermon.

I'm getting the feeling the rabbi’s whole sermon was sarcastic.
Maybe not the whole sermon. The not singing was straightforward. How bad we sound wasn’t sarcastic, until he asked Merv if he would like to lead Adon Olam. Suggesting Merv sing anything and it not being painful is sarcasm.

"'Then.' Were they not singing before." That delivery. Perfect sermon delivery. Only our rabbi. So brilliant.
He asked that question without a question mark. But it was not sarcastic, which was confusing. All the congregants could talk about during Kiddish was which stuff was sarcastic. What was a real question or a sarcastic one. I don't think they heard anything else during the Drasha. Just questions without question marks. They couldn't figure any of it out.
And that is where it gets hard for our Rav. If you have a brilliant rabbi and fools for congregants, the sermon doesn't get heard.

Ran Gvili being home. Buried in Israel. It means everything to our people.

We never see the rabbi emeritus. Yet, the rabbi quotes him all the time. Whenever the rabbi wants to say something and doesn't want an argument from the board, he quotes this rabbi emeritus. I don't think he exists.

Rebecca is a fool. It’s complicated when you have to explain to the MInyin what a Minyin does.
I think the rabbi likes the members that don’t keep Halacha more than the members that are Shomer Shabbis. However, when the nonShomer Shabbis members show up to shul, he likes them less. I think the rabbi just doesn’t like seeing anybody at shul. If they don't show to shul, he loves them. If they're Shomer Shabbis and don't come to shul, he loves them.
Point is shul is the place where the Minyin meets. Not Zoom. And not Michael's game room. He thought it would be good to have Shacharit and billiards. Everything to these people is a program.

I am very for no more WhatsApp group lists. This way I don’t have to show up to anything, and nobody can blame me. I can just say, "Nobody reminded me.”
With all the group reminders, you have to show. If you have an excuse, you can get out of it. But I haven't figured out how to use my lack of wanting to see the people during the week too as an excuse yet. I've tried telling them I don't like seeing them on Shabbis.
The rabbi is right. Congregants should not be allowed to post ideas on social media without his approval. I listened to a congregant say that, because of that impossible to open renovated door, to get into shul we have to go through a different door. I ended up in the Mikvah. Not one of them said, "We should fix the door." That's a post that would've made sense.

The shul gave an award to Harold for not giving up. The Persistence Award in the Face of Looking Like an Idiot. He kept the mustache. Listened to nobody. And now he looks like an idiot.
The rabbi is definitely self-conscious about his double chin. You can see it through the beard.

After dealing with all the congregants and hearing them complain again, the rabbi had second thoughts on turning our shul not Orthodox and having services on Zoom. As the rabbi said, "You can't have a Minyin on Zoom. You can have services on Zoom, because not religious Jews have services."
I can see the rabbi giving into Rebecca if she pays extra money. The rabbi would lead a Zoom service if he got a raise. He would be fine leading a service. He would turn off the video, sit in bed with his long johns.
Watch this, next week he's going to start Zoom classes. Once he realizes he doesn't have to see the congregants in person, he's going to love it. He'll find a way to do everything on Zoom. He'll bring COVID back.

Got this sad video game for Chanukah. It needed a gaming console. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Console. Gaming console. To console the console. Console and console sound very different. Same word but sounds very different. Which is why this pun is best delivered in a letter. Games have feelings too. They just sound different.
 
She got so much money for Chanukah. She felt so Gelty. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Gelt is money. Guilty. Here it’s Gelty. Guilty about Gelt. Gelty pockets are heavy. Something meaningful to that statement. It should be a saying. If it wasn't it is now. And it's very true if it's coins. Chocolate Gelty pockets can get very messy. Check that out. Another saying.

It seemed like the paper heard everything. It was a flyer on the wall. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fly on the wall. Flyer on the wall. We added the “er." Shuls have flyers, so it's a Jewish pun.

Yosef saw Yaakov switch his right hand to Efraim, and he started thinking the Bracha about children propagating was kind of fishy. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? He said they should “propagate like fish.” Fish. Fishy. Fishy means suspicious. There’s something fishy about this pun. Especially, Yaakov switching his hands. In order to understand a pun, you should have a decent knowledge of the Torah.

That store city Pitom went up real fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Pitom means “suddenly” in Hebrew. The name of the city the Jews built. The Jews built it real fast because the Egyptians were burdening them. The Jews suffered with it. Lisbol Sivlotam. Chinuch. And that is why you probably shouldn't be laughing at this pun. Some puns are serious. They're supposed to remind you of slavery.
Shoreshes, roots of Hebrew words, are great for puns. Sometimes the pun is the exact meaning of the word. Which begs the question if it’s funny or not. It’s up to you if you want to laugh, or if you want it to be meaningful. I’m not going to judge you all the sudden. Maybe you have a dark sense of punner.

The shul had a juicing event. Bernie said, “I didn’t come to shul for a choir.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Juicing sounds like “Jews sing.” Juicing is how you make smoothies. They were making smoothies. They were also singing. Jewsing. An event with two activities.

The Talmid developed another birth mark, and the rebbe said, “Nach a Mol.” (Mordechai)
You get it? Nach a Mol means “still one time.” This hear means “another mole.” You just have to work some English into the Yiddish there, and it works.

​***Note: We learned a lot from the puns these past couple months. You will definitely think twice before laughing the next time you hear a pun. We just suggest here at the Kibbitzer that you think about the Shoresh and the puns effect on the Jewish people before you laugh. 

You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah. 
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet.
You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah.

The Shul Tzedakah Box
The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations.
​Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money.
You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me.

Put a Dollar in the Pushke
It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity.
How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. 
That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking.
I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill.

The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels 
I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams.
These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you.
The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah.
Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. ​Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later.
I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah.

​The Kotel
You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for.
Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America.
You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with.
Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs.

Focus on Davening and Give the Money
Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger.
They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money.
I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah.
I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section.

Give the Dollar
I can’t reiterate this enough.
You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack.
Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again.
And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons.
If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah.

I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. 

How did the Gishmack Chassidic Minyin experience in Miami Beach end up. Last time we spoke of Streimels and my inability to pronounce them correctly. I sound too American to be Frum. What happened next.

One Guy Welcomed Me
One of the kind men came over to say "Vos Machstu." I answered, and he realized he was dealing with somebody that has a disability.
He was doing Kiruv. Either that, or he was just a kind man, or he was being nice to a nonJew that was wearing Tefillin. Whatever it was, he disrupted Davening.
There were other very nice people too. But they had too much Kavanah to say Hi. Come to think of it, that guy that welcomed me wasn't focusing on Davening. Not a very good Jew.

Torah Reading Was Different
I didn't understand Layning. I think they were Layning in Yiddish too. It must've been. To understand the Torah reading, I had to use the Hebrew as a translation.​

They Have Different Zmanim
I thought Shkiah was at sundown. It turns out it's forty minutes after that. Chassidim have longer days. Clocks read differently in Yiddish.
If you enjoy Shabbis, this is good stuff. You can get an extra few hours of Shabbis just in the morning hours.

One of Them Was A Rebbe
They were all rabbis. One was a rebbe. I know that now, because he was old. And he had a hunch in his back. Which means he learned a lot of Torah. And they followed him when he walked. That's when you know you're a holy person, when people follow you.
I was walking pretty fast to get to Minyin, and I cut in front of somebody walking very slow. That was a mistake. At the time, I was not aware of the Chassidic traffic patterns of Miami Beach. Now I know to walk slow. Just walk at a leisurely pace, behind people. Follow them and you'll be fine. The idea is to stalk the rebbe.
The rebbe truly slowed up traffic. There were a good thirty Chassidim behind him, waiting for him to go into the shul, so they could pick up the pace and get home.
As the rebbe walked into the shul, one Chassid said, "Now I'm late for work again."
Some walk fast. Some walk slow. Some walk behind the rebbe. Some take a car. But they're all Chassidim. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme I bring you.

There Were Women
There were women there. I didn't see them. They weren’t in shul. There is no way there were no women. Even Uman gets women.
After Davening, I realized the women were at the beach. Some of the women were in their swim trunks. Some in their Sheitel. Some were sunbathing. Some adjusting their Tichel. But they were all not at shul. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme. I just came up with that one and translated it as I wrote it.
Side note: Chassidic single weekends are not the right place to meet the ladies. 

They Will Ask for Money
People were asking for money. But not on Shabbis. So, you might want to skip Sunday morning Minyin. Save a couple of bucks.
It’s hard to choose who to give to. There were twelve guys collecting for something. I don't know what's for what. You see, I'm already talking as a good Chassid. "What's for what." That just sounds Yiddish.

And that's my experience as the eleventh man at the Minyin. A beautiful weekend with my Chassidic brethren, and I'm sure there were some sisteren there. Somewhere. They must've been there. 
​At least I came out sounding more Jewish.
​
I give you this rundown so that you can learn from it. And you can act Frum the next time you're going to the beach to check out the ladies.
I still have no idea what Chassidic sect they're from. I asked them, but I think they answered me in Yiddish. I didn't understand. I was amazed the rebbe felt it was important that his Chassidim be near South Beach.
I didn't expect to see that Minyin right off the beach. Men in bathing suits with a Streimel. B"H, I did not see that.
 
Some sunbathe in Israel. Some sunbath in Florida. Some are name Michel. Some are named Devorah. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme for you.

I thought I knew about Yiddishkeit. Then I ended up at a Chassidic Minyin in Miami Beach. I need to learn Yiddish. I had no idea what was going on. Here is my experience of being with my Chassidic friends at Miami Beach for the weekend, and some advice, just in case you end up at a Minyin and they count you as the eleventh. 

They Definitely Questioned My Being Jewish
They were questioning my Jewishness on Friday morning, and they were quite amazed I could read Hebrew. I looked like a Goy, sitting there with my Kippah, Tallis and Tefillin. I think the Minyin counted me as the eleventh guy. And rightfully. I don't know Yiddish.
They counted "Hosheea Et Amecha," finished the ten count of "Ad Olam," and then I heard "Nafsheynu." I believe I was Nafsheynu. First time I ever heard that.

​Learn Yiddish
I couldn't understand a word. I know Shacharit. I've been Davening my whole life. By the way, if you want to not sound like an idiot, it's Shacharis. The fact that I asked them if they were doing "Shacharit," rightfully excluded me from the Minyin.
They were Davening in Yiddish. There is no other way to explain it. There is no other way I can rationalize me not understanding the word "Barchu."

Davening is Different But the Same
That Baruch She'Amar caught me off guard. I was already at Ashrei.
It turns out they were doing a different form of Ashkenazi Davening, called Sefardi. Sefard Ashkenazi Davening. That's confusing. Sefardic Davening, but Ashkenazik. The one thing that I can tell you is they didn't sound like the guys at the Sefardic Minyin I Daven with in Israel. It sounded more like Sefardic Jews praying in Yiddish. And I've never met the Sefardic Jewish community whose ancestors hail from Medzhybizh.
​
It Takes Longer in Yiddish
Davening took longer. I was not ready for this thing they call Kavanah. I was ready to go home fifteen minutes ago. They were somehow in the middle of Shema still. The Shema prayer takes longer in Yiddish. I was not aware of that.
Show up late. That's the key. If you show up a half hour late, you'll be out on time.

Don't Judge a Jew by his Streimel
I was enamored by the Streimels. The whole Shabbis Davening, I was comparing Streimels. Trying to figure out which one costs more. With my intent focus on the Streimels some of the Chassidim thought I had Kavanah.
There are different kinds of Streimels. Some are taller, some are shorter, some are wider, some are thinner. But they are all Jews. That's a nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish.
It took me a while to not judge the person based on their Streimel. And I hope that after a while of them realizing that I read Hebrew like an American Apikores, they would see me as a Jew. And I realized, I was wearing an inner Streimel, also known as my Kippah. And I was proud of my Mitnaged roots. By being a Litvak, I saved eight thousand dollars.

A Streimel with White Hair
One guy's Streimel had some white hairs in it. That was a shocker. I thought all Streimels had brown hair. Nope. After many days of long Davening and paying off the mortgage, Streimels can change color. Another guy's Streimel had thinning hair. 
My Streimel was bald. That's what I told them when they were trying to figure out if they could start Mincha on Shabbis afternoon. I told them my Streimel lost all its hair. They understood. They saw my Kippah and figured that I must a not easy home life, and my Streimel lost all its hair. And they counted me as the tenth.
And some wear them differently. There are those who wear them high. Those who wear them low. Those who wear them off to the side. And some who wear them in the snow. But they are all Jews. Another nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish.

Different Songs
They are not singing the Shwekey tunes you're used to for Kedusha. They didn't make a point of trying to fit words into "Im Eshkachech" that don't work. Even so, they sing Jewish songs. I know they were Jewish songs, because they all sounded the same. As such, I became a Chassid quite quickly. And I sang that tune. Whatever that tune was.
I didn't know the tune for Shalishudis. But ​I yawned a lot of Nays. I figured that if I yawned and let out some NayNayNays I would fit right in. I got really into the singing. And then one guy turned to me and said, "That's not Yiddish. That's a Hebrew NayNayNay." 

That was a lot of Yiddish for one day. Truth is, I'm now questioning if I'm a good Jew, not knowing Yiddish. I have to learn Yiddish before I go back to Miami Beach. Prove myself. Prove my Frumnessiasity. I at least have to end my Jewish words with more s's. 
We’ll continue next time with more Yiddish. While we try to figure out what Chassidic sect settles on a beach where there are no bungalows. 
One thing I do know. The Streimels do an excellent job of keeping the sun out.

The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot…
After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah.
Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.)
 
Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah.
Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing.
And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan.

(Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary.
King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably.
Your extravagant use of words is vanity.

Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them.
Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. 

We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur.

Due to the physical threat to our people and terrorism, we need the member security teams. And this is why Freida, Bernice and Ethel Finkelman are out there. Protecting our people. Let me just say that the membership security team does not make me feel safe. Every one of them, sitting outside of shul with their walkers.

Our shul security force. I just don't know how much I trust it. Maybe I'm a skeptic. Bernie needs somebody to help him stand. Bernie has a walker with a seat. He can't move without assistance. 
Freida and Ethel are not scaring the anti-Semites away. I don't know if attackers will be deterred by Ethel Finkelman. Though, she has a very nice smile. She can ask where they are from. Offer them lunch. Freida and Ethel will definitely make the anti-Semite feel comfortable at our shul. And I know they do a fine job of inviting them in for services. 
To round out the team, we have Sam there for conversation. He's not checking anybody. He's discussing politics and his thoughts on the new addition to the JCC with the others. Sam is truthfully just trying to get out of shul.
The only person under seventy-eight on the team is Amanda. She likes to check the bags to see their make. She's very into fashion. She held up one lady at the door for fifteen minutes before she let her in. She had a Louis Vuitton Capucines bag. 

How did we get here? A committee. A committee had a meeting and made the decision that they should be doing security. Each one of them has a graduate degree in social sciences or medicine. And they are all retired. So, they felt that works for security.
Our security team is definitely friendly. They're very into Hachnasat Orchim. And they would definitely not let the Mitzvah of inviting guests pass on a terrorist. Who they would make sure stayed for Kiddish. And that worries me.

They're CSF and they're taking it seriously. They have a name. They've acronymized it. They're actually serious about protecting us.
CSF. Congregant Security Forces. You've got to acronymize that. Other than rabbis, nobody is scared when they hear "congregant." The only time I'm scared of a congregant at my shul is if I'm sitting in his seat. They will attack you.
The CSF members are also hitting the gym. I see them at the Jewish Community Center. They're in the weight room, talking. The most out of shape people. I've never seen such a big group of people who all go to the gym for social reasons. On the treadmills, enjoying a good conversation over a stroll. Sitting on the Cybex machines because the equipment is comfortable. I heard Sam going off, "Bernie. Mendel. You've got to try this one. Excellent cushions."

This is when I knew the committee was not the right one to make these decisions.
Recently our shul started discussing new seats. I overheard Sam expressing his thoughts on the matter to a possible predator.
Many wanted pews. It turns out the shul can't get pews because they don't have armrests. Why does our shul need armrests? Turns out that nobody needs them for their arms. They don't need them for comfort reasons. They needed the armrests because membership wouldn't be able to stand without them. They need to brace themselves on the armrests. Push off with their hands. And that is how they are able to stand. They can't stand without armrests. And these are the people protecting us from attacks. People who can't stand with their legs.
I think the last thing I heard Fran say last Shabbat was, "Oy. My back."

Thank Gd we had a random guy show up for services last Shabbat. It gave the CSF crew something to do. And they showed how good they are with people.
Ethel was asking the guy where he's from. What he does for a living. She made him feel at home. Truly showed interest in the guy and his family.
If there was a terrorist, Ethel would be able to give you his lineage. What town in the Middle East he's from. She would know his favorite local restaurant.
Truth is, our security should be doing CIA work. With the amount they talk, they will get the information you need.

The shul security forces are friendly. And they should be praised for that. I've never felt so comfortable with security. Most of the time security guards are serious, standing there with no smile, taking care of securing the area. Not our security team. They smile. They make you feel welcome. Chas vShalom, they would never make an attacker feel bad.
At least they're good at asking questions. I was at my brother's shul in Teaneck. That was the first time anybody there ever asked me anything about myself. If it wasn't for Penina Shaina being on the security team, I would've said they were a very not friendly shul.

I think they're great for the shul. As a welcoming crew, CSF would be great. I'm just worried about acute security risks that can't be taken care of with a bit of shmoozing and mingling.
The CSF team is so out of shape. I've seen their vacation pictures. Our security staff should never post their Florida pictures in those bathing suits. How they can smile with that much excess body weight, when everybody else who doesn't work security somehow looks decent. And I am not security shaming. I just question how they're going to protect us.

If there is a geriatric attacker, we might have a chance. Bernie and Ethel will take them down. They took the security course. They know what they're doing. We are in good hands if we get attacked by a terrorist with a rollator.
Any assailant that can walk, we have problems. 

I hope I didn't expose our security weaknesses.
On the positive, Bernie does have an aid with him. She might be able to impede the attacker.
It’s a welcoming committee. Our shul finally has a welcoming crew. One that shows interest in you and where you come from. One that asks questions about why you're at shul today. People who are finally curious to know about you and what's in your bag. Members are finally getting the attention they need.
And at least people are now showing up to shul. They're not in shul Davening. But they're there. Talking to Sam in the hallway.

Announcements
The renovations committee has decided that the shul will get AstroTurf for the sanctuary as many stadiums now use it. The head of the committee said, "It's used in the place of grass. Why should it not be used instead of carpet?!"
 
We’re asking our congregants to participate in the Davening. It's been reported that our shul is very depressing, by the people who are depressing. Please greet people. Please smile. And please help with the singing in Davening. Make our shul less depressing by you not depressing everybody.

Musaf’s repetition tune was messed up on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah because nobody finished off the Kedusha "Halleluka" with the tune to lead the Chazin.
You have a job as congregants. And sometimes that might mean helping with the tune of Al HaNisim throughout a holiday, for every prayer.
 
We put in a petition to our Christian neighbors to give us more than Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song over their six months of Christmas.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Angry and Depressed in Shul- A Day with Our Members. How to Be a Congregant- A Class with Guest Speakers from Other Shuls. How to Fit the Words of Every Prayer into Al Hanisim- A Course in Jewish Music. Jewish Identity Found in Santa's Lap at the Mall.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yosef sends his brothers to Israel to bring the whole family to Mitzryaim... Why not? It's winter. It's a bit warmer than Israel. Why should the family not go down for a visit?
Yosef makes sure to take care of his brothers. (Bereishit 45:21-23) He sends them with changes of clothes, all the good stuff from Egypt for Yaakov and donkeys and wagons and food. Last time I went down to Florida, I had to pack my own sandwich. Not one member of this shul packed a lunch for their rabbi. Not even a corned beef on club... I like club. And a little mayonnaise. I'm not a corned beef on rye guy... It’s care. It’s concern...
I have no idea what the good stuff in Mitzrayim was. It could've been Hashish.

(Bereishit 45:24) Yosef sends his brothers and he says, “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” “Don’t become agitated on the way.” When he sends them, it’s not the stuff, it’s the focus. The safety of the way. Have you ever traveled with my wife?!...
It was the way that Yosef cared. Sent them on the mission. More importantly. He and Paroh made sure they had everything. And more important than that, it was the peace of mind. You can't travel. You can't do your mission right when you have congregants that are so annoying. They get under your skin with their stupidity... AstroTurf???!!!!! How can I focus on being a rabbi with AstroTurf?! Am I supposed to slide into the Bima?! Is the Gabai going to tackle me?!...
And what do you need most? Peace of mind. “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” You can have everything. But the wrong focus. People like Bernie, will throw you off...

Rashi gives three explanations for "not becoming agitated" and not dealing with congregants. Just thought you might want to know... Don’t discuss Halacha... Ever seen a Chavrusa. Yelling at each other. A lot of fighting about Rava. Even worse. Ever fielded a question from one of our members?! I never knew I would have to field questions about artificial grass. Don’t rush. Stop properly on the journey... A bathroom break. Yosef is telling them to take bathroom breaks, Fishel. And now I am agitated. How this is a Halachik question. And don’t fight about who is to blame for selling Yosef... I don’t know which one Yosef meant. He might have wanted to think they would fight on the way. The same way Ruchel wants to know that we appreciate her Tzimis...

When you send someone on a mission. When people are traveling, you think about them. “Don’t become agitated on the way.” You have that responsibility to support them. Don't give them the mission to be the rabbi and then ask him to deal with a membership who harmonizes... It's annoying. Kills my Davening every day. I'm hearing a ringing in my ear right now.
Now is not the time to think about where you went wrong. How you ended up in Topeka.
The individual has to focus on the mission. The other people have to support them correctly. Let your rabbi do his job and don't do stupid stuff. Don't be a board member...

The renovations committee needs to know they are fools. We have to support them in that way... Artificial turf?!! We have not one athlete in this shul...
How will it save people time in shul? Who in Gehenim mows carpets?!... You don’t mow the lawn in front of the shul anyways. 
And now we have to get down on AstroTurf on Yom Kippur?!...

The Chazin needs our support... The Tefillah is out loud. There is singing. You are expected to not be a bunch of depressing congregants... Yes. You are supposed to join in the singing. Rebecca has no problem harmonizing. Sounds awful...
You don’t even pay dues. How can you expect the Chazin to Daven for you...
He needed support. He needed the Hallelulaka at the end of Musaf Kedusha to get the tune right...

This is agitating. Hold on. You’re the Chazin. You have to be able to figure it out yourself... You think anybody can depend on our congregants?! Have you seen the dues? Can’t even depend on them to be congregants... They’re members but they’re not... If you haven’t paid your dues, you’re not members. You're people who take Kichel at Kiddish every week and don't pay... At least help the Chazin out with moving into the Musaf Kedusha. That’s your job as a congregant. And to pay your dues. And to make sure your rabbi gets a raise... You're congregants. You're still agitating. 
Couldn't even figure out the Al Hanisim tune for Kedusha. How can you be our Chazin. Getting a new one... Always messes up his mission... Well. We need a Chazin who can look at our congregation and say, "These people are very not helpful"...
You should be singing Al Hanisim eight days straight. That is how you celebrate Chanukah...

Tirgzu also means to become angry. “Don't become angry.” When others have a holiday. Don’t become agitated... I have spoken to the pastors about their celebrating Christmas months before their holiday starts. 
Their Christmas in downtown Topeka lasts from Shavuot to Purim. We have eight holidays in the time they celebrate one... 
Chanukah and they're wearing Christmas hats already. Can't give us the week. Eight days. That's all we want. I told them. They’ve taken over the radio with Christmas songs since July. It's not fair. Give us a song... They play those songs on the radio all year. That Mariah Carey and Bruce Springsteen... One Chanukah song is all we have. We have one song. "I Had a Little Dreidel"... And Al Hanisim. Correct... Maybe a Jew could support his people and focus on writing a Chanukah song for once... Always writing Christmas songs. I have a feeling a Catholic wrote "I Had a Little Dreidel"... You might have a little Dreidel. I had one. That's how I sing the song...

(Bereishit 45:19-21) Paroh tells Yosef that he should tell his brothers to take from the best of Egypt. And they do that. Why not?! Enjoy. If I told you to take from the best of the shul. You would be stuck in a long drown out conversation with Chana about turf.
Yosef though, focused on their journey. Yosef would’ve packed up a bunch of corned beef sandwiches for his brothers. The best corned beef. The fatty stuff... They didn’t have corned beef back then. Bernie. It's hyperbole, Bernie. Hope...
We all have a mission. We're all on a journey in this world. Don't take Bernie along. He will throw you off.  You take my wife. Next thing you know, you're shopping for Chanukah tinsels... 
But more than that. We have a requirement to not mess up other people's missions. Let me enjoy my vacation down in Florida this year, for crying out loud. Let me have some peace of mind. A week with no Christmas songs, and no renovation ideas dealing with AstroTurf. Idiots...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was hoping somebody would put together a corned beef on club for his next trip. Always hinting to stuff. He went off for three minutes on how he likes his sandwiches. Why lettuce with a touch of dill made it into the sermon this week is a question I still ask.

"Don't be a board member." Some of the most profound words from our rabbi. Best Musar, rebuke, our rabbi has ever given.

The Renovations committee felt it was important to get artificial turf because they had extra money. To quote the committee chair, “We have money. I think.”
They said the shul is like the Astrodome, as the sanctuary has a ceiling. That was their thought.

I agree. A Chazin should be able to do every Tefillah to Al HaNisim. That is how we’re going to start checking who's allowed to lead us in services.
They're depressing. Our shul’s members bring a feeling of sadness to Chanukah.
The rabbi later explained the responsibility of congregants. Which is something they pay for. You pay to help the Chazin. That's what a member does. He also let people know that they have to be ready to sing the Al HaNisim tune at least a hundred forty times over the course of Chanukah.
That's the requirement of a Jew. Payment. And then to sing Al Hanisim all hundred forty times with a smile.

The rabbi did make it clear that the congregants have bad voices. Nonetheless, they need to be part of the services. Which is why things sound very bad. Truth is I don't know if them singing will help the Chazin. It hurts me.

Our kids sat on Santa for Chanukah. That’s what the mall gave us as Jews for Chanukah. They allowed our children to enjoy Santa too.
I couldn't get one "Happy Hanukah" this year. Not even a Hanukah on Chanukah. It's Chanukah and they’re already celebrating Christmas. which isn’t even happening. So, for Chanukah, Santa wished us a Merry Christmas.
I'm just amazed at how much they celebrate Christmas in our town. No Jewish neighbor of mine is celebrating any Jewish holiday longer than they have to. Chanukah. We are not giving people more gifts. The fact they have to get eight gifts they don't want already is painful. We’re not singing Al Hanisim till Purim. Pesach. We are looking to get out of there. The holiday is over. We're not singing those songs anymore. Maybe Kel Bnei. Because it’s amazing.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..

My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect.

Questions
People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter.
Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single.
They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living.

Kids Crying
Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party.
There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. 
Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. 

Dreidel
There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses.
Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel.
If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned.
​
A Guy with Candy
A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot.
Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents.

A Shul Band
There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord.
Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin.

People Singing
There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. 
Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim.
A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing.
One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. 
I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run.

Latkes and Sufganiot
Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important.
Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees.
I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat."
No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees.

Kids Running
Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents.

A Bouncy House
It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses.
You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house.

Mincha
Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?!
Hence, the Chanukah party at shul.
Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone.

Menorah Lighting
A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around.
The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord.
I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way.

My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul.
Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance.

Announcements
We have a gambling issue in the shul. The board seems to be betting on members paying their dues to help support the shul’s electric bills. Odds are we won’t have heat in the chapel this winter.

​We will not be giving out football cards to the kids anymore. They’re too expensive nowadays. The Gabai apologizes to the parents. To quote, “The shul can’t afford for your children to believe in Gd.”

We are coming back with the shul Bingo night. A great religious tradition. One that has inspired many generations of our people.
We will not be hosting Chumash class anymore. The board voted and it turns out that Bingo is more inspirational.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Will Congregants Pay Their Dues- A Class in Bookmaking and Working Odds. How To Teach Your Children Without Baseball Cards and Other Impossible Tasks.​ The Jewish Tradition of Bingo in the Gaonic Period.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When you’re satisfied with who you are you can have peace. Which is why everybody in this shul is so tense... None of you are comfortable with who you are. Always looking at Melanie's hats... The huge ones. Be happy with you are and your pathetic little derbies. 
Esav sees his brother and is overtaken by emotion... He cried. He wasn’t a board member who is ice cold and has no care for their rabbi.
(Bereishit 33:9) Upon Yaakov insisting Esav takes his gifts Esav responds, “I have plenty. Achi. Let what is yours be yours.” And to this day, we Israelis refer to each other as Achi. My brother. And to this day, that is how you get somebody to buy hats and sunflower seeds from you... We are happy with what our brothers have. Especially when they invite you for dinner and they have brisket.

Esav was content. Didn’t need to feel hatred. He was happy with himself. He is fine seeing someone else's success. Not like Simon who curses people when they do the Mishebeyrachs for all their family members... I understand some of their families are too big and it takes way too long for them to get out all the names. And the Kugel gets cold... Cursing them is fine. You’re right...

Hating gifts is what allows for peace and love. You all expect gifts and then Chanukah comes and you get gifts, and you're mad, because the gifts are real bad... Esav was thinking, "All he gives me is a herd..."
The problem is you’re not happy with who you are and what you have. And that is why you are always fighting over the armrest.
Can the shul be happy with what it has? Can we be happy seeing other people’s success? Can we be happy with Shloimi’s new fedora... Well stop talking about it Simcha. I see you cursing out his new hat every moment. During the Amidah you were saying, “Gd. Please strike down his new hat. I hate him and I hate the feather.”
And Fran’s new hat is also ugly as sin...

Who in this shul has plenty??? Well. Bernie. Nobody sees it... Because you share none of it with us. You...

Achi!!!
You’re gambling with the shul... I don’t know what to do. But depending on Harry for heat is not a good idea... And we are cancelling the shul casino night...
​
Giving out baseball cards is how you get kids to love Gd. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I say pull the kids from Jewish day school. There’s no hope... Take them Comic-Con and they will be religious. Learning Rashi has never brought a kid closer to Gd...
Giving out baseball cards was a great tradition. But. Who can afford it now?
I can’t even afford to go to a game... Football cards are expensive too. Baseball cards is what you call football cards...
How their parents can afford to buy them cards, I have no idea... A pack of cards is half of dues. Have you seen these packs. Two cards and fifty dollars. Then you got to send in a decent card to get it graded, for thirty dollars. So, you get back a four-dollar card you spend eighty dollars on, and the kid will only believe in H' if you buy him another pack...
If the Gabai would work overtime, he would be able to afford it. It’s on him. He doesn’t care about Chinuch... Jewish education is the chance of getting an Aaron Judge. A Patrick Mahomes. Or an ulcer if you're the parent buying it... It's about Shalom. When you buy people stuff. When you give, there can be peace...
Barbies are also too expensive. We don't think our shul will be making any good Balabastas.
And this is why there is no Shalom in the shul. Nobody can afford anything...

Bingo is how you get adults to love Gd.
At least people show up for Bingo. Minyin, not so much... Calling out "Bingo" is a religious thrill...
Of course, Bingo is Mutar. It’s not gambling if the money is going to shul... We host Bingo for religious reasons. Have you ever heard anyone yell out "Bingo"? It’s inspired. The Divine has come through them. Emanating into the world through that card. Has anybody ever gotten that feeling from understanding the Pshat in a Gemara...
Everybody, right now, say it with me, “BINGO!!!!” I can feel it. Can I get a "Bingo!" Yes. One more time. From the congregation...
Bingo jealousy is wrong. It makes for a noncommunal event... Menachem will always lose. Accept that. And be happy for others. Find the "let what is yours be yours" inside of you. And we can find brotherhood in this shul...

Achi!!! Yaakov's brotherhood is found in his belief. (Bereishit 33:11) Yaakov sees it all as coming from H’. We are going to need Gd’s help, because none of you support the shul... Yaakov says, “Please take my blessings that I have brought for you, for H’ has been gracious to me, and I have everything..." He may not have everything. But he doesn't have a board. And that is a blessing.

Are you content enough to cry?!
It is contentment that brings Shalom, and an electric bill that gets paid for. It's contentment that allows you to pay the mortgage... That may bring tears.
Wherever it comes from, if you are content, if you are happy with who you are and not Rachel the shul president, you can have peace. You can express emotion. You can be vulnerable. You can cry.

It's about hating gifts. It is that one who hates gifts who is content and ready for Shalom... No. The shul loves gifts. The shul needs gifts to pay for heat. And to give the rabbi a raise... So your rabbi can be content... Not getting a raise can also make one cry...

The lesson is Bingo. Bingo is a more important tradition to our people than learning... Even more important than baseball cards. Bringing generations together...

Be it wealth or belief in H'. We must find kindness and giving in our hearts.
The point is to be happy with what you have. Even if you can't yell out "Bingo." To have that kind of true happiness, where you can cry with others. A Shalom where you can be honest and let Shloimi know how annoying that feather in the hat is... Feathers don't belong in hats...

Rivka's Rundown
I think that feather in the fedora message brought the whole sermon together.

​The whole shul started calling each other Achi. It felt like I was around a bunch of Arsim.
Our congregants are very tense. You can see they don't have Shalom. They don't even say it to each other. Just a bunch of tense angry people who grunt and think somebody else is going to take their armrest. When you don't have an armrest that you know is yours, you're not happy for other people and what they have. Especially when that's your armrest.

I'm not going to lie. When Gideon gets up there and goes off for ten minutes with family names after his Aliyah, I'm cursing him out. I wouldn't mind if there were less births in that Mishpuchi. Maybe I mean less family members he cares about. If he chose the family people he loved and just said their names, I would be fine. I can't imagine he loves them all. Especially his oldest daughter. 

The Achi thing stopped after Kiddish, when people realized they had expenses to pay on their homes. It was a quick lived communal expression of peace.
In my shul nobody calls anybody Achi or Achot Sheli. They just curse each other under their breath. The problem is way too much hat jealousy in our shul.
Many people had a problem with the rabbi calling people Achi. They had a private meeting with the rabbi. It was an intervention. They had to remind him that he was the rabbi. They also said he couldn't go by Tzachi. When he asked if he could go by Chuck, the intervention team said no. The rabbi insisted that Chuck is an Achi kind of name. It didn't work. The congregants insisted their rabbi be somebody who is not personable. Somebody they could look at and say, "He is not my friend."
They also told the rabbi that he shouldn't support people's gambling addiction, even if it makes the shul money.

Thanks to the rabbi, the day school folded. It turns out the rabbi is a bitter baseball card collector. He was mad the Gabai stopped giving him cards.

People argued that if the casino is in the shul, it should be fine to take people’s money with slot machines. To which the board felt like they were onto something and decided to open a non-for-profit casino. The idea had every happy, knowing that the electric bill would finally be paid. And they all agreed that gambling is wrong, and for that reason, betting that Harry would pay his dues was Asur.
Huge arguments were had, until it was decided that slot machines do belong in shul, as people pray at them. 
In the end, the rabbi agreed that we can restart the shul bingo night.
Thank Gd for heat and Bingo.

The rabbi turned Bingo into the most religious experience anybody in our shul has ever had.
And now we know how to get all Jews to love Gd. Adults is Bingo. Kids is Barbie and cards. And the women's section is to throw out Melanie and Fran's hats.

The rabbi's new Kiruv through Cards program is revolutionary. Many shuls are now opting for this over NCSY. 
All the kids are into collectibles. To quote the rabbi: "Making Frum kids is more important than charity." And for this reason, all money that was given to the shul for the Toys for Tots drive was used to purchase cards for the children of our shul. Who are now much happier than the poor kids.
Our congregants are also into collecting Barbies. Records. Matchbox cars. How you light a cigarette with those cars, I still can’t figure out. The shul has planned collectibles show for Gd.
Between us, I don't know if it's collectibles or the fact that nobody in our shul likes to throw stuff out. The kids at our shul are now a bunch of hoarders.

So, Bingo is Mutar. The only Jewish tradition our community keeps. Shabbat. Not so much. But the casino night and Bingo.
The Psak of the rabbi is that it is all fine if the money is going to the shul. They also had a shul person auction. Mutar to auction off people for the shul.
Being casino night was banned by the local casino, with concern that money coming out of slot machines would be used for something positive, we are back to simple Bingo night. And to this day, all religious communities agree that Bingo is for religious people. "People of Gd play Bingo."
Plans were in for Bingo night. After hearing they had to volunteer, the congregants voted to ban bingo night.
It’s on the schedule, so now the crowd comes, runs it themselves. Basically, the congregants come and play the game. Best social event the shul has ever had.
It turns out that since the congregants started playing the Bingo, they've been calling more Bingo wins than ever before. The congregants come to shul, smoke and take the shul’s money. And they still don't pay dues.
I have suggested that having Bingo in the shul may not be the greatest idea. My membership was revoked. The Bingo Committee said that all members of the shul should be fine with indoor cigarettes and to not be party poopers. One time, they called for Mincha Minyin during the full card play. Everybody booed the Gabai and said he was a bad Jew.
I am happy to see that our shul is connecting to one great Jewish tradition.

Bingo in the Gaonic Period was a meaningful class. It was so inspirational to hear how Rav Sadia Gaon shouted "Bingo," which inspired a whole town to return in Teshuva.

Announcements
We had a Minyin for Shacharit on Tuesday this week. The rabbi wants to thank H’ for the miracle. Even with our congregants, we had a Minyin. People showed up to shul.
 
We want to thank Baruch for not letting us know he was alone for Thanksgiving. Everybody would’ve felt bad. We would rather you be pathetic and lonely, and not have to know about it. Nobody needs a damper on their Simcha.
The congregation wants you to know that we all hope you enjoyed the pumpkin pie they were selling for lonely people at Walmart.
 
The rabbi’s Psak is that people aren’t allowed to post their workouts anymore. Nobody needs to know how out of shape our membership is.
And no advertising marathons for donations. Though, we understand people need to run after Thanksgiving.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What a Shul Looks Like with A Minyin- A Field Trip to Another Shul. What Holiday Meals Look Like When Cooking for Yourself- With Baruch and Nobody Else (follow-up class with Baruch will be How to Deal with Depression and Loneliness with Congregants That Don't Care). How to Get More Out of Shape by Working Out- An Exercise Class Given by Our Congregants.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yaakov asks for freedom. He wants out with his wives and kids. Kind of like the way I want out of dealing with this board... I understand that the Mr. Markowitz celebrates being single as freedom. But I can't support running away from your family... Yaakov wants freedom for his family. Now, I think we're all on the same page. He's not free, but his family is. Is that OK, Bernie? Can I go on?... I'm sorry I misspoke. I understand marriage is very painful. 

(Bereishit 30:27) Lavan says to Yaakov, “If I have found favor in your eyes, I have learned from divination that H’ has blessed me due to you.” Is he curing him? Then why the “you” at the end? It sounds like a curse... Even if it's a blessing, it's a curse. 
Then the "favor in your eyes" line. Trying to work Yaakov to get something. We all use it. Buttering him up. My kids use that all the time when they want ice cream... They're biblical children...
He needed divination. Lavan needs divine inspiration to realize he is blessed on account of Yaakov. It’s apparent. But he needs divine help to see it.
You need divine inspiration to realize what I have done for you guys... Because you don’t appreciate. Let me enlighten. Why have we cancelled the shul softball team? Which is an embarrassment, with the out of shape congregants... Why has this shul lost members? Why are there fewer annoying people telling jokes at Kiddish? Because of your rabbi.
Can I get away for winter vacation?! That’s all I want. Florida... If you appreciated me, you would let me go...

We can appreciate the Duadim. But can we appreciate what others do for us. Everybody loves Dudaim. Who doesn’t. I want one of those every day.
It doesn’t take divination to realize some stuff is messed up. To realize there is some stuff here that Dudaim cannot help. Some stuff that is not appreciated, and for good reason... We have a Chazin...

And you need the divine inspiration to appreciate. To appreciate H's blessings...
There was no Minyin. We were about to do the Amidah. Then, they showed, before we started the Amidah. A miracle. Was it Gd stepping in, or Pinchas twenty minutes late?... I consider every time we get a Minyin to be a miracle here. But this was a Nes Nistar. A hidden miracle. Kind of like when I don’t see congregants for a few months.
Do we appreciate the miracles?! On Chanukah there are miracles we can see. What I do for the shul, you can see...

And it's due to you and your selfish unYaakov like focus that Baruch had nowhere to go on Thanksgiving... No divine inspiration in your kindness. No holiday miracle...
So, nobody invited Baruch. You feel better feeling bad and enjoying not having to see him.
The idea is to not have to think about others at their Simchas and holidays?! I get it. This is why most of you don't do Pesach Seders, or put out a decent Kiddish for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Worst Kugel ever, Brian!!! You should be ashamed. Shame!!! Not even Dudaim. The Dudaim were about care... Well dude.
Bracha comes when you concern yourself with others. Just as Yaakov concerned himself with doing proper work... I'm not saying Bracha Rabinowitz. Blessing. Something good...
Baruch. You didn't miss out on anything. Just some turkey that was made in an oven. And other food that was not served in plastic containers...

Giving to your exercise is not what I'm talking about. How about if people donate to the shul, then they can donate to your marathon... What is the cause anyways? We know you're out of shape. We saw the pictures... I understand it costs money to run a marathon. Do people not pay for anything anymore?! I know they don't pay their dues or sponsor a decent Kiddish. One with a potato Kugel that has some oil in it... Your daughter's potato Kugel was a shanda...
Why is everybody posting their workout? Every out of shape person. Every congregant... I get the in-shape people on TikTok... Then post your workout in your sweater. I'm watching people working out showing how they let themselves go...
I don't appreciate your workouts. You lifting weights is not something anybody needs to see. I don't have to see how out of shape my congregants are. I see how they eat at Kiddish. Svetlana will not get a Shidduch like this... I am not out of shape shaming. I am posting your workouts shaming...
Dudaim cannot help your workouts on social media. I didn't need divine inspiration to know that.
This is the reason for Tznyut. Because of your out of shape selves. It’s like you’re always posting before pictures...
And then marathons now. We have to sponsor Rachel?!... We should have an out of shape marathon team that hasn't trained. Svetlana and Michael can lead the team. They can post it on the shul's Facebook group. And people will donate money after seeing how much help our community needs to get in better shape...
Yaakov was in good shape. And his Bracha was that he didn't have to see your posts...

It's about giving, and you all seem to only give when H' steps in. You are not Tzadikim like Yaakov. Like Lavan...
Do we need Dudaim when we have love?! When we have a nice vacation. A good getaway. Dudaim are great. When your congregation lets you go to Florida for the winter... Some Dudaim would really hit the spot right now.
It's not Dudaim. It's about seeing the Bracha. 
Sometimes H' needs to step in. Like Rachel, the Dudadim may help you feel better. But it is only Gd that grants the blessing of seeing the Bracha. 
May we be blessed to not need Dudaim for blessing. Just less members. Less pictures of out of shape congregants working out. Less single people, as they are a downer... It's a Psak. May you find favor in our eyes, with modest clothes. Because you are very out of shape.

Yaakov wants to go to Israel. When you appreciate people, you let them go. Which is why I am going to Florida for a couple months... Still keeping the job. Paid.

Rivka's Rundown
And still, nobody knows what Dudaim are.

Again, the rabbi uses the sermon to get more days off. He turned the Yaakov blessings into him deserving an all-expense paid trip to Florida. Nothing about Israel. This isn't Yaakov leaving for reasons such as family. This is for a perk. The rabbi used the Jewish people's call of "let my people go" for his vacation down to Florida.

The rabbi is correct. Any "you" at the end of a sentence sounds like a curse. Very offensive. I'm going to stop saying "bless you." It sounds nasty. From now on it's, "You should be blessed."

Us getting a Minyin. That was inspirational. It was like a rebbe story. One of miracles. No Minyin and then a Minyin.
People in our shul now believe in H’. If Shloimi can wake up for Minyin, anything is possible.

The upshot is it's selfish of Baruch to be alone.
Nobody needs to know you ate alone. That ruins other people enjoying themselves. Keep that to yourself too. 
Our congregants are so selfish. They actually asked if Baruch had dinner, just to find out how pathetic he really is. Not to invite him.
He should've lied and said he ate with people. Him eating alone made me feel bad. I'm sorry. It's sad when you have to buy a pumpkin pie at Walmart to celebrate the holiday. And then you have to budget and buy the small, personal size one. Such a Rachmanis. Wow. I'm happy I was able to say he's a Rachmanis. Feels like I did my part. Just saying he's pathetic makes me feel better.
The congregants truly do not want to help. Ever. Never visit the older members of the shul.

I had never seen the rabbi so animatedly angry as with Brian and that potato Kugel. Not even the bad egg salad got him that mad. And a good egg salad with potato Kugel is a Mechaya.
I once had cheese with potato Kugel. Melted right on it. That was Olam Haba. Sometimes you have to share inspirational stories. There was no Minyin that day. But it was a good potato Kugel. Maybe I should share that story with Baruch. Might inspire him knowing I enjoyed myself.

The rabbi made it clear. Not one in shape congregant. I believe that was the message.
That was the best argument for Tzniyut ever given.
They workout once and all the sudden it’s their profile picture. It's getting annoying. They have to stop putting up pictures. The most positive thing is where they put up a family picture and I want to smack them for being happy.

It really is getting annoying. And then Rachel did a marathon and we have to sponsor it. Had to advertise her marathon. If Rachel would work a little more, and stop running, she would be able to afford paying for her marathon.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about injured people parking, announcements for people to come to shul, and Mountain Dew being founded with the establishment of the modern state of Israel, as if they did something wrong, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of his kitchen and how he doesn’t clean up the bags.

Announcements
We’re having a blood drive. We don’t know where the blood drive will be. Due to the Red Cross' stance on Israel, members are worried the blood will be earmarked to terrorists. The board discussed it, and they’re trying to figure out if lives should be saved. The board definitely does not help the shul.
 
There is a Kiddish thief going around after Kiddish, or a fool who is throwing out the pastries. Are they being stolen and taken home by somebody who is enjoying local baked goods from Latkas, at five times the price of Stella D’oros. Please call the office with any leads.
 
Please make your decision as to whether you want a Mishebeyrach blessing for your relatives before your Aliyah. If the Gabai starts the blessing, we will consider it a business transaction and charge you. Even if you back out.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Feel Good About Not Saving Lives - A Congregation of People Who Has Anti-Blood Drives. How One Can Steal Food That Has Been Given to Them for Free- The Case of the Kiddish Burglar. Mekach Taot and How Our Gabai Sells Aliyahs Under False Pretenses. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Avraham tells Eliezer to find his son a wife... Not from Canaan, Bernie. Everybody knows you don't take a Canaanite wife. There's something off with the Canaan girls. You marry one of those, you're marrying their family. Very annoying mother-in-laws. They even have jokes about them. "Take my Canaanite mother-in-law, please"...
Eliezer was sent to find a girl from Avraham's family. Avraham says she also has to move to them. And people say Chaim is picky.
Eliezer goes on the mission and finds a good woman. Rivka... She happens to be the sister of Lavan. Don't blame her for her brother. It's not one of the Lefkowitz kids.
Lavan sees that Eliezer has money, and like Baruch, he goes over to welcome Eliezer and offers him food... Baruch. You only talk to people who have a gold collar on their Tallis. Oh!!! That was a good one. That was a zinger... I'm just telling the story. Can I continue...
(Bereishit 24:33) Eliezer insisted to not eat or drink until he spoke his word of Rivka and how he asked Gd, Who answered his prayer. He wants to know if Rivka is going to go with him to Israel... I know Israel doesn't exist yet. But it does. I have to deal with Jew haters right in the middle of my sermon. I don't even live in Israel and they are protesting me... The mission comes first to Eliezer. He doesn't want anything to get in the way. Lies happen when people try to butter things up with small talk and food. Which is why the board meetings always have refreshments... 
Did you ever have a business meeting with Mechanic? No food. Exactly. It's clear they're ripping you off.
Let's not let food cloud our judgment.

Eliezer recounts the story. Eliezer wants it to be known that Rivka is a good person... He doesn’t just look at "her figure," Chaim. You sicko. He's not shallow. Who even uses that language anymore?... Other than the Shadchans at our shul.
She brings the camels water too. That's all he wanted to know. That she thought about other living beings. Didn't need somebody telling her what to do to be kind... You guys need a sermon.
When speaking of the experience with Rivka at the well... Yes. That's how you fall in love Chaim. At wells. Eliezer says, (Bereishit 24:46) vAysht "And I drank." The same word for drinking here is the word for a wife. The one who cares. A true Eisheit Chayil worries about people's wellbeing. Their life. Water. They think about others. They ask why the Chazin takes so long. Why does shul have to be so painful?!...

Hearing this, Lavan gives in. He understands it’s the word of Gd... Hearing about Rivka and how she acted. Not about our Chazin and messed up Gabai who still can't figure out how to call up the right person... It's a Simcha, Shmuel. You call up a family member... A family member of the people celebrating. It's not hard. The fact I have to tell you is because you're not a Rivka...
Lavan then says, (Bereishit 24:50) “We can say to you neither bad or good.” He knew at that moment Rivka must go.
When it’s Midot, it’s Gd’s word. When it's Mitzvot, it's Gd's word. When it’s Gd's word, it’s not good or bad. It’s right. You do it. What is bad is our membership. Which is why I don't listen to the board or take requests... The back left of the shul. All the sinners want Kiddish right now.
Our first responsibility is making sure we take care of what Gd wants. After that we can eat... We are not going to Kiddish until this sermon is over.

Don’t let money and food get in the way of what is right... And I know our congregants are very good at not giving donations.

Let's not butter things up. Let's just get into it. For Gd.
What is Gd's mission? And if it is from Gd, it is, let's do it...

Not knowing where the blood drive will be is not a safety concern. The Red Cross are a bunch of terrorists. We don’t support terrorism. Therefore, we don’t give blood... 
We give blood to the Red Cross, next thing you now, they’re hiding Jewish bodies with it... They will use it to shoot bombs into Israel. Very good point, Hadasa. Finally, somebody in this congregation says something that makes sense. They will be shooting blood over from Gaza and Yehuda Shomron... Blood bombs. The bloodiest type of bombs.
The Red Cross offers us gifts. Before we get the gifts, we have to understand if it’s proper to give blood. We all love the towel with the red cross. Love it. Excellent thread count. Get the bag. Maybe you get that Amazon $10 gift certificate. Makes you feel good. Ten dollars off on fabric softener. And then they try to kill you... Saving lives is important. Giving blood is very important. Sometimes. I am not sure... Well I don't know where else to give.
I understand these questions aren't comfortable. Which is why we deal with them like Eliezer, before we eat with the Reshaim...

Kiddish is important. And the sisterhood feeds you without you asking. The only righteous people in the shul... Because they force-feed you. That's what Rivka would've done.
But what is the mission? With our membership, where is the holiness? And where is the food. Last week there was no leftovers. But there was leftovers. What has happened to the Kiddish food from the Bat Mitzvah? Are people throwing it out, or taking it?! Does our shul have a bunch of Kiddish thieves?... Let us deal with it before we eat. You don't eat with sinners. You first work through the issues. In other words, our membership...
Who throws out the pastries from Kiddish?! Who is taking all of the food?! Which one is it?!
Latkas Bakery is expensive. We know it. One cookie is a full Stella D’oro sleeve. And they deserve that at Shalishudis... Yes. That was the discussion at the third Shabbat meal, at shul. They couldn't figure it out. Yet, I know that nobody would do Bal Tashchis to Latkas baked goods. They're too expensive to throw out...
We will get to Kiddish. But you can’t eat if people are stealing and not following Gd’s word.
Let’s first find the Danish cookie thieves. Taking black and white cookies.
The real question is who would buy from Latkas when you can take it from the shul...

The board can help. If they stay away from the shul, they will be very helpful...

We need commitment from people. You decide what is right and do it... Because H' said so. That means that if you decide a Bracha is correct, you go with it. Even Lavan would do that...
MidBracha you backed out. You basically said, “I don’t care about my family that much. For anything more than a dollar their memory should be for a curse”... I understand you weren’t in the will. But it’s a matter of our responsibilities.
Know what you are getting into. Then you do it. And then you feel decent about yourself and eat... You're not hungry, because you're a sinner, and you are not following in Gd's ways.

Eliezer took responsibility first. Wasn’t going to eat until he knew if Rivka would be a wife to Yitzchak.
In life. We have to take responsibility. That means not throwing out Kiddish pastry... Because it’s good.
And giving blood is important. And there is a responsibility to not give to the Red Cross.
And if we don’t first take responsibility, we can’t eat...

But he drank right away with Rivka. When she offered him the drink, he took it right away. Because she was a Tzadeiket. When it comes to Tzadikim, you don't have to wait for a conversation to drink. You can drink right away... For health reasons, drinking right away is also important. Why Eliezer was traveling without a canteen is an excellent question. A water bottle would've been called for.
When you're with a Tzadik the mission is complete. You know Gd is already there. You can eat and drink with them. It's already holy. With a Rasha, like one of our congregants, you have to first talk Torah. You're not sure Torah and Gd will make its way in, unless you do that first. Which is why I have to give the Drasha before Kiddish every Shabbat. And this is why I don't eat at your Simchas... And I don't trust the Hashgacha.
With Reshaim you need Tanaim. You need stipulations. Like Gd. Which is why we have Mishebeyrach agreements. Which is why we have to put together blood drives... Because you people wouldn't donate a thing without it.
A Tzadik truly cares. They make sure you drink. And they want nothing in return. You already know you're with the right person. There is no need to know anything else. You marry that, Chaim. You have a relationship with that...
Whatever you do, make sure Gd is there. And I don't think Gd is stealing Kiddishes.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi went off on Canaanites. Many of the more liberal congregants were very mad. They found it offensive on behalf of their Canaanite friends.

To be clear, the rabbi was talking about Rivka Imanu. Though, he knows I'm a Tzadeket, as I do help out the sisterhood. And I do force Kugel on people. I am in their face if they finished their Lukshen Kugel, scooping it onto their plate.

After the sermon, the board reminded the rabbi that they can fire him. So, he agreed to give classes and talk to the membership again. His contract said that even if it's not Gd's word, he still has to listen to the members complain about how they messed up.

"Because H' said so." You can't argue with that.

I think the rabbi just doesn’t like giving blood. That was the reason for the Drasha. It makes him woozy.

We are the only congregation that put together a program to not give blood. We held a blood drive pass-by. A blood donation protest. And yet we are a pro-life congregation.
So, now we don’t help save lives, because of terrorist blood banks. The Red Cross supports the West Bank and Terrorist Blood Banks.
In the middle of the week the congregation changed its mind and decided that giving blood was important again. Nobody said "important again," as they would've been branded as Trump supporters. Even though they support Trump, they said that being called a Trump supporter is a curse.
The rabbi didn’t know about the hospitals. There was a lot of discussion in our shul, as people don’t want to learn Torah. They feel the Mitzvah they can do is giving blood. So, we had our drive at the hospital. We filled up the emergency waiting room. Just to get a person into the drive took two hours of waiting. We are going to try to get an ICU waiting room next time. The emergency room moves real slow. One guy had blood flying out of his arm. They had him waiting three hours in the ER. They should’ve used his blood for donations. Somebody should be in the emergency room taking blood to give to people.
The ER is for very slow emergencies. Like for slow emergency death. They're very helpful when you have a good half a day to wait for your emergency. They have the waiting part down. 
The rabbi acquiesced that giving blood is a big Mitzvah if they’re not using it to kill Jews. We have to give blood. Saving lives is a Mitzvah. A huge one.

Somebody took the Kiddish leftovers. Everybody knows, Kiddish leftovers are from Shalishudis. One idiot asked, "Aren't you supposed to throw out stuff that was taken out of the kitchen?" This isn't a restaurant. This is shul nobody cares about health. We also donate that stuff. Out of the kitchen ten times, that's when the food kitchen gets it.
Nothing to eat at Shalishudis is a crisis. The Kiddish cookie fiasco was messed up. They had some food at Shalishudis, but no cookies, and no egg salad. By the way, the egg salad is still disgusting. The sisterhood still can't figure out how to sprinkle salt. For some reason, even with the extra salt I pour on, it tastes disgusting. The egg salad is a curse, and I think it's because we have a lot of sinners at shul.
Some people think you don't need that much for Shalishudis in the winter. With short Shabbat, they finish lunch at 3:30pm, and they are hungry at 4:40pm. It's over an hour. They need the food.

The case of the Kiddish Pastry Thief is a real thing. The office got a lead on Ephraim who put on eight pounds. They're checking into it, and forced him to come for a daily weigh in before Shacharit. To make it clear, this was not a boxing match, he kept on his clothes.

He went up for family Mishebeyrach for a dead relative. Might have been the Kel Maleh. The rabbi put in “in order that he will give Tzedakah.” Right there, he took back the blessing. Got mad at the rabbi, and yelled, “You threw that on me. That was a Bracha and switch."

I am no giving blood to the Red Cross. I know they're earmarking it for terror. Terrorist blood.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.

Announcements
We have decided to change the Congregants on Patrol Security Force (CPSF) to a greeting committee. It has come to our attention that people are not scared of Eileen and Ethel.
 
There are a lot of depressed people at shul. We figure, with the help of CPSF task force and less Davening, people will be happier. To help with this goal of happier people, we’re hoping Ira doesn’t show to shul anymore.
 
The Kiddish cookies and egg salad are disgusting. Just want to let everybody know, your complaints have been heard, and Tova Bracha is not coming to shul anymore.
 
We want to thank Joe for showing up to daily Minyin. We hope your presence has helped you get more plumbing work.
Joe is a great plumber and he paid his membership dues.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Sakant Nifashot and The Importance In Being In Good Enough Shape to Walk to Work Security- Why Ethel May Not Scare an Intruder. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha- The Great Mitzvah to Be Happy And Why It's Important For the Rabbi to Not Have to See the Membership. How to Chase Members Away- The Result of Honest Feedback. How to Get Business By Showing Up to Shul- Our Funeral Director Who Belongs to Every Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lech Lecha... No Martin. Leave for me. Leave shul for me...

Avraham hears about Lot being taken captive and he goes in. Right away. He goes. He doesn’t think about. He doesn’t have a committee meeting... Because then Lot would’ve died. If the committee met about it, he would've died.
(Bereishit 20:14) “And Avraham heard that his kinsman was taken captive, and he armed his disciples..."
You guys could care less. When Mark was stuck in the bathroom, you all went home. Abandoned him. When Eugene was in the hospital, what did you do? Nothing... Who here thought to arm themselves and rescue him??? Health concerns is not the point here, Bernie. The point is he was in a bed with no Kosher food... He passed away from a, Bernie. And he was a hundred and three...
You don't even think. You guys discuss stuff. But when do you take action?!

Three hundred and eighteen “disciples who had been born his house.” He took them to battle. They didn’t complain. They weren’t congregants. They were disciples... I want disciples. People that are enjoyable to be around.
When it comes to family you run. You do it. You don’t question if we have enough. It's our duty. It's our duty to help... Doing your kid's homework is your duty. That's how they get good grades... And the kids complain when you ask them to take out the trash.
Only three hundred and eighteen... I didn’t say it was a Yeshiva. If he was a Yeshiva he would’ve made other people go to battle for him.

Three hundred and eighteen. That's it. It’s not the numbers. It’s the quality. It’s the heart. Yes. We’ve lost a lot of our membership, because people don’t want to be around you, but where is the heart?!
Heart comes from Avraham, their leader as well. (Bereishit 20:16) “And he returned all the possessions.” All the spoils. He didn't want anything for himself. He was on a mission... What have I gotten from this congregation? Tzaris. 
It was pure. It was of heart... Because they were disciples, they followed their leader. If they were congregants, they would've fired Avraham.

Sometimes you just have to do. And to be inspired to help, you need heart. A pure heart. A heart that says, "I just want to do a Mitzvah"... In your case, Sheloh Lishma Bah Lishma. Just do it because you don't want to, and you might end up being a good person in the end...

Our security team thinks a lot. They see somebody coming to shul. They ask questions. You're not helping the situation. You're making people late for Davening... Sometimes you have to act. When it’s serious, like Malkie pulling Freida’s hair, you jump in and act. And you give back the hair that was Freida’s... You don’t take it as spoils.

You need ability too... That's just a side point. 
Our security team has a lot of heart. No idea what they’re doing, But a lot of heart... You need to be able to move to do security... Ethel. If people can run away, what is the help?!... Your hand shakes when you hold a gun.
What is Eileen going to do in security??? Ask people about their kids? "Where are you from? Who are you visiting? What do you do for a living? Do you need a Shidduch?"... Are you trying to protect the single people from Chaim hitting on them?!...

As greeters, it all makes sense. You should be a Greeter Task Force. The questions are nice questions. It makes the person feel cared for... Without Eileen, I would've said we're an unfriendly shul...
From now on, our Congregants on Patrol Security Force will be there to make people feel welcome... Because the rest of you are depressed and not friendly. You're the least friendly people. Even our security person is nicer to talk to... People feel more welcome in our shul when they're being accused of being terrorists...

You all are depressed. No smiles. CPSF will enforce smiling... Heart. Doing for others. Smiling for others. Thinking of others. 
They’ll also make sure Ira doesn’t talk to you... Talking is important, but not during Davening, Fran... And not during my speech Bernie.
Talking should be done at Kiddish. Where people can't get a decent egg salad anymore.

Here is the security idea. Keep out depressed people. Keep out congregants... It takes heart to smile. To fight the war against our unfriendly congregants...
Eileen is fighting for friendliness. That's a worthwhile fight. We have to join her to help get rid of the shul's president...
Davening is not the problem. You can be happy Davening. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha. It's a great Mitzvah to be happy... I understand it's hard when you have a Chazan leading Davening with too much Kavanah... Your connection to Gd through prayer takes too long for us. The tunes are bad enough. Now, you're concentrating on the words!...
Just show up late, Ira. How about that. Just show for Kiddish. Everybody will be happier... And he's still talking. Talking in shul is not right, Ira...

You all come to me with questions... And yes, I do answer them right away. Have I ever done research to help you get an answer? No. Because I want you to have an answer right away. And when Ira asked me if he should come to shul, I said "no." Right away. When the board asked if they should make a decision, I said "no." Right away... It doesn't make a difference. Any decision they make is bad...
You come to me with questions, I answer them. You want to know, who's a good plumber. Use Joe. He shows up to Minyin.
Joe is a good guy. SheLoh Lishma Ba Lishma... Don't judge. You’re not even doing Mitzvot for your own benefit... I get it. You come to Minyin to get a job...

Don’t complain to me about Kiddish. I agree. I’m just happy less people want to stay after shul. The eggs and Danish are disgusting... Tova Bracha's eggs are disgusting. If she can't stand hearing it, that's on her.
And Avraham wanted nothing for himself. He was a giver. He wanted people to be happy. That's what givers do. They jump up to help people. They take pride in their egg salad. They put a little garlic and mayonnaise in it... And we need to help people with decent Kiddishes and smiles. We need more giving to make people feel good. We need Eileen asking questions about their felonious past as single people.
Avraham even gave Malchitzedek Mayser. He tithed his own stuff to Malchitzedek (Bereishit 14:20-24)... Pay your dues. For crying out sake...

Jump in. Get that heart moving. Maybe even get some exercise.
And when you are there. When you are battling, make sure it’s pure. Make sure you’re doing it for the right intentions. Make sure you're thinking of others when you're putting together the salads for Kiddish. And make sure they're not bland...
As a giver, as somebody who does Mitzvahs, Avraham doesn’t deny others a decent Kiddish.

When it's from the heart, you do. You do it for others. You sacrifice for your family. And you live a life of duty. You put your life on the line. You put together a good Kiddish spread... Our security team will not defend anybody at war. They will stay home and relax. For everybody's safety...

Avraham was magnanimous in his act of going to battle. Just like a good Kiddish spread. Just like Eileen asking if you're a felon... Eileen and Ethel taking military action is not a good idea. CPSF has got to calm down. For everybody's safety...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi answers questions from the congregants right away. Like Avraham, running to save Lot. He does no research. He just answers them. No thought. Like Avraham, he's trying to get rid of the Reshaim, the evil people. The congregants.
The rabbi wants disciples. Not congregants. He was talking about opening a Chabad for people who are against Chabad. He likes the idea of people following him, and not asking why he gets to show up late for Davening.
 
How Kiddish is on par with Avraham going to battle to save Lot?! I am trying to understand that part of the sermon. Nonetheless, the message was very meaningful.

In the end, the rabbi put the security team on Mitzvah patrol. He realizes Eileen and Ethel are talented at what they do. Now, if you don’t keep Mitzvahs or if you show up to shul late, they will nag you.
They've decided to stick with the acronym, as it brings more of a philanthropic tone to what they are doing. CPSF sounds like they’re raising money for kids starving in Africa.

I'm not going to lie. Eileen and Ethel as security officers scared me. And it was a committee decision. That's what happens when committees are put in charge of decisions. The ones running it end up making decisions. And those decisions are that they can do stuff. For some reason, they can do stuff nobody would ever hire them for.
The rabbi stepped in with a Psak, and not having Ethel guard the shul was the correct Halachik thing to do. I’m happy about the new idea of having people around who can take security measures when they’re needed. Our congregational team of security people with yelling abilities didn't have me feeling safe. "PLEASE DO NOT ATTACK!!!" That was what we learned in the security course.

I must say, CPSF did have one tricky move. Last week they got friendly with somebody who was trying out the shul. They followed that lady around all day, to make sure she wouldn't steal a Siddur. I've never seen such friendly people before.
I guess they figured that they've chased away a lot of people with conversations during Kiddish. If a terrorist had to deal with the nagging, they would surrender of themselves. Possibly kill themselves, just to get out of the conversation about every single grandchild of Bernice. You use your strengths.
At Kiddish security sat at table with our visitor, who made it clear she was from the other synagogue. Once we found out she was from another synagogue, questions of treason and imposter came up. They asked, "Why would anybody try out our synagogue?" Exactly. An excellent question, which I cannot answer.
Once they found out the visitor was from another shul, they went back to being not friendly and ignoring her. Treating her like everybody else.
The lady from the other shul pulled out her phone. CPSF got on that heinous act. Walkie talkies were going off, "She's got a phone." 
Now they’re helping with depression. And now I have to talk to Eileen every time I go to shul. Eileen has never said Hi to me once in her life, until she became the security person. Now she knows about my grandkids.

Ira is a good guy. But I understand that people don't like to see him. It's weird. If you're part of the shul in-crowd and you're annoying, you're loved. If you're Ira and you show up to shul, and you ask if a seat is open, they hate you and want you ousted from the congregation.
Ira has never been invited to anything. I'm beginning to think I'm in a community full of jerks. Jerks who are nice when they think you're going to attack them.

For happiness reasons, the rabbi actually told people not to come to shul. He felt it would be a happier shul if people just didn’t show. It would be less depressing. To quote, "If the members of this place didn't show, I would find joy in that."

“Cookies and egg salad at Kiddish are not good.” The sisterhood got the message, and Tova Bracha quit the sisterhood. B"H. The cookies at Kiddish are now good. And Latkas Bakery got the message too. They’re now charging the shul twice as much.
Complaint from complainer was heard. B”H. I'm happy. And if Tova Bracha never does Kiddish again, I will be happier.
Lesson: Complain about something and you will lose a congregant.

The rabbi never used Joe, but he knows he’s an excellent plumber because he shows up to Minyin. Turns our Joe paid his dues on condition he gets the announcement about paying the dues.
He only started wearing a Kippah two months ago, so that the membership would think he's honest. He saw our Bahai garage guy wearing a Kippah. That mechanic’s business shot up. Every Christian started using him. "We hate Jews, but we can trust them."
A Kippah and shul membership gains trust. I’m going to tell my tailor to start wearing one. I’m starting to think she’s not cutting my clothes right.

Our funeral director does belong to every shul. I'm amazed at how many people come to shul just to get work. And the rabbi supports it. It's the one thing the rabbi supports. He wants a Minyin no matter what. He even gave a speech about how back in the times of the Gemara the water drawers had their own Minyin. So, Minyin is really about business. Which is why people give very little Tzedakah at Minyin. In our shul, the most they give to charity is a dollar. You give more than that, you might walk out of Minyin without a job and down two dollars. Sometimes they give a ten, just because they need the change. They also took the water drawing lesson quite seriously and started doing the Netilat Yadaim, ritual washing, Halachikly correctly, using the full pitcher cups.
Joe comes for plumbing jobs. Shirel comes to give haircuts. Thank Gd the rabbi hasn't allowed for haircuts in the sanctuary. I show up to shul to see my doctor. When I get seen at shul there's no copay.