Announcements
The rabbi said the Gabai is not allowed to call up relatives for a first birthday party. To quote, "A child turning one is not our problem." Kal VaChomer, even more so, a two-year old’s birthday party. Your family coming in to celebrate is great. It’s not a Simcha, even if Malkie's parents think it’s important. The shul can care less. And nobody has to give gifts. We want to make that clear. Don't feel the need to buy the little one something pink. No more dried fruit are allowed in our shul. Tu BShvat was a beautiful holiday last week. However, our congregants do not have the stomach for figs and not salted almonds. The Torah holder has been fixed. They are there now. From now on, following Hagba, the Torah will be able to be placed in the holder. This is about Kavod and future respect shown to people who are not as weak as Yankel, who can barely lift a Torah cover. We as a congregation want to apologize for giving Hagba last week to Melech Simcha. It was disrespectful. Making him sit there for forty-five minutes. He thought it was a Kavod. That changed very fast. Somebody should’ve done the Torah take away, and handed the Torah to the Galilah guy that nobody respects. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Parents Who Celebrate What Nobody Cares About- How Malkie's Birthday Means Nothing If She Won't Remember It. Tu BShvat Stomach Aches- How Our Congregants Find A Way to Complain Even When They're Not Saying Anything. When Hagba Turns Disrespectful- A Kavod That Turns Into a Forty-Five Minute Ordeal. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 19:4-6) After leaving Egypt and seeing all the miracles, H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. “Now. If you listen, listen, to My voice and guard My covenant, you will be a treasured people from all other nations, because the land belongs to Me. And you will be a princely people. A holy nation.” Listen. Not one of you listens... That's why you're not a treasured congregation. You're a treasured people with a very poor board who wastes a lot of money. "If you listen." You have to listen... If you don't. You have our congregation. You have our membership. And you have people who don’t know when to stand for the Amidah... Listen. For crying out loud. The one thing you're asked to do as a treasured people. Listen. And I have to deal with a people that has ADD. The Gabai makes the announcement every Shabbis. Every single time. “Page 368”... You have to be a holy nation. We are called on to be this. You have to work at it. You do this by listening... I have to repeat this?! Again. I always have to repeat for your guys. Listen. 368. Musaf begins on page 368... Listening is an action we're called on to do. Mitzvahs are a actions we're called on to do. Renovations is not the action we're called upon to do. And the board has been very good at not finishing them... And losing our money. The shul treasury is gone... You think I know what a covenant is? I don’t have that good of a vocabulary. A Breet, I understand. ‘Now.” Why now? Why after the miracles? Because you people are impossible to convince. Even once you listen, you start asking questions, like, "Is there really going to be chocolate mousse at Kiddish?"... There isn't. It's just an example. You don't even believe when we have the enhanced Kiddish... I don't know what that means. I think they just enhance the choolante with paprika... I couldn’t even convince you to get a new awning for the shul. That’s why H’ has to say listen twice. Has to make sure you're listening, so He doesn't have to waste His time convincing you again. "Listen. You just saw Me split the sea. You saw Me place boils on everybody. I turned water into blood. The sea. I split a sea for crying out loud, and I still don't have your attention. Water from the rock. How about that one. Now are you convinced? Will you listen now? Do I need to get David Copperfield for showmanship?! Like the Manna and quail was not enough?" You guys don't listen. If this was Simon Says... We played Simon Says. He said it and... You argued he didn’t say to touch your toes. You didn’t listen... Rabbi says listen. Now. Let’s talk. That's what H' is saying. He finally got their attention after fifteen national miracles and holding a mountain over their heads... No. Listen. I will not repeat this. We are going to make a Breet. To work on... OK. Want to call it a covenant. OK. Just listen. No more renovations. You're going to do Mitzvahs right. You're going to wrap Tefillin on your arms... I thought the lace boot was a Tefillin strap... Rabbi says to listen... Birthdays for little toddlers is not in the covenant... Breet is covenant. That’s what Bracha says it means. Gd did not command us to take pictures of kids that can't place a piece of cake in their mouth. There is not Mitzvah to take a picture of a child that messed up and got frosting all over their face... It's embarrassing. Expecting family to come in for a two-year old’s birthday is not fair... It’s not a Bar anything... I know it’s a girl. It’s not a Bat anything. It’s not a Mitzvah. It's you trying to get out of having to pay for onesies... We celebrate twelve, because she'll remember that. She'll be able to listen at that point... If you would’ve listened and not eaten two pounds of dried figs... You spent the week after Tu BShvat complaining to H’ that His creation gives you stomach aches. The worst celebration, because you didn’t listen to my advice. Now you’re a constipated people... If you were Israelis, you would appreciate it. They can handle dried fruit and nuts. They start their toddlers on peanuts, cashews, almonds, sunflower seeds... This way, they can enjoy Tu BShvat... They’re called Pitzuchim. Israelis celebrate Tu BShvat all year... Because they have the stomach for it... You are not supporting the JNF by eating dried fruit. There are no dried fruit trees... I have to convince you of this?! Meredith has been puking for the past week. Now do you believe me?!... Rabbi says to eat in moderation on Tu BShvat... The rabbi didn't say to give Beshalach Hagba to Melech Simcha... You got Hagba because the Gabai doesn't like you. It was disrespect. We don’t have our Torah holder. The holes need to be fixed in the holder. It's disrespect... That was rude. Giving it to Melech Simcha. A good guy. Should’ve given the long Hagba Torah hold to Pinny. Melech Simcha is a good guy... Chas vShalom. Bernie can't even hold himself up... And it was Beshalach last week. That was like five Haftorahs. Boy. That was long. I timed his sitting with the Torah at forty-five minutes. Didn’t even do the Hagba to Galilah switch. Usually, the Hagba guy bullies the Galilah loser. Melech Simcha thought he was getting a Kavod, and then he had to sit there for the longest Haftorah... Should've broken that up. The rabbis did that to get back at somebody in Babylonia. And then the Chazin sang. He was doing tunes for Av Harachamim. Who does that?! The Chazin and the Gabai have to ask Melech Simcha for forgiveness... The rabbi says so... I have to repeat this?! I said I wouldn't repeat it. You didn't listen again... Don't give Hagba to people you like, until the Torah holder gets fixed. You don't do that to treasured people... It’s Segulah. Treasure. Not chosen. What is this chosen?... We were chosen yes. To be an Am Segulah. Treasured to listen to Gd and to be hated by everybody. And you never listen... I can't stand you because you don't listen... You were not chosen to not listen. Listen. I will be repeating this sermon. If I ever witness the miracle of you hearing the sermon... The congregation is hard of hearing. Bernie and Merv are aging. Sadie is ninety. If somebody would have told me. I'll talk louder... So, what does Am Segulah mean? People hate us. That's the translation... You give somebody Hagba and you make him hold the Torah, they hate you. You get all selfish and give Hagba to Melech Simcha. Now he’s never coming back. A treasured people to get stomach cramps from dried fruit. A holy people with acid reflux. A treasured people who can't hear and doesn't listen. A princely people... Treating the two-year-old like a prince. That's annoying. A reason to hate the Feldmans... Now. Again. Page 368!!!!! Rabbi says turn to page 368. May we merit to listen and be a holy treasured people... Page 368!!!!!! Rivka's Rundown The rabbi started a new game called Rabbi Says Listen. The idea is for people to listen to him and not argue. That's the game. He said it's a lot of fun. We once had Simon Says. It was pathetic. Simon left mid-game. He yelled, "How can I do this game if nobody listens. Do I hearing test before you bring Simon back." And then he ran. Simon talks about himself in third person. It was interesting that Simon was running Simon Says. He felt pegged as a child. Other kids in his class went into tech because their parents named them Alexander and Sandra. Nobody listens. Gabai announces the Kedusha pages. We have to do it again. Never listen. They never listen. Sermons would be so much quicker if the congregants listened. I believe I caught the sermon. Segulah. Chosen. Treasured. Hated. Rabbi hates our congregants. So. Breet means covenant. The rabbi made a covenant with the congregation that he can't stand them. And they have to listen. These enhanced Kiddishes add nothing. They enhance the amount of people that show, and then I get less food. So, they add Kugel, and it's gone. Haven’t finished renovations. We are not good at the actions. We talk about doing stuff, but we don't do. We're very good at talking. We're not good at listening and making things happen. The shul is now broke, because they thought the paint job needed to be done by somebody who was from the treasured people. It turns out you have to pay Feivel Moshe more when he paints. Somebody brought up the idea of using Tim, is not Jewish. That would've been cheaper, but nobody listened. And now we're broke. And that’s why our members didn’t understand how they are part of the treasured nation. They wanted gifts for Becky’s party. Two years old. The gift is for the Feldmans. What are they going to do with Onesies? Show up to the office in a Onesie. Messed up. I think they wanted to save on clothes and toys for the little one. Thus, they had a party for the little girl who couldn’t even figure out how to blow out the candles. That was pathetic. We had to sit there for ten minutes trying to explain to her that she has to blow. She burped. That was it. The rabbi now refuses to announce birthdays. He said, "We have too much to care about. I can't afford another gift." It's messed up. And you can't give used gifts when it's a party. So now, our congregation has an overflow of pink headbands with bows. Going off on Av Harachamim, the Chazin was rubbing it in, mocking Melech Simcha. He knew Melech Simcha was sitting there, trying to hold the Torah with all of his Kavanah, trying to pretend like people aren’t laughing at him. Such a selfish showoff. The Chazin honestly has no Midot. Here, Melech Simcha is sitting there, looking like an idiot, and the Chazin is putting on a show. I’m just worried Melech Simcha will never be respected by his kids again. In school, the kids were all talking about how strong their dads were. Melech Simcha’s kids always won, talking about their dad and his Hagba skills. That argument is over. Now Pinny’s kids are like, “My dad did Galilah. Made your dad do Hagba and sit there. Your dad works for my dad.” And Melech Simcha’s kids just sat there. Like their dad. He can’t come back to our shul after that. Sitting next to Fran, she lets loose even without dried fruit. The dried fruit made it so bad. All of Shabbis, I had to hear it. I went to sit on the other side of the shul, and people were asking why I moved. I told them, "Tu BShvat. Fran had Tu BShvat." I hope Tu BShvat goes away by next week. Tu BShvat in our shul is a kind of stomach disease. Punished with Hagba and no Torah holder. That was rude. They raise his hopes. He thinks he's important. And then everybody's looking at him still sitting there, like him like he's a loser. They have you sit there. Just holding the Torah for half hour. Whole time you’re thinking, “I hope it doesn’t drop.” They should just put it back right away. It's a punishment. They sit you in the corner and tell you it's a Mitzvah. They're all going out for schnapps, and you're stuck there holding the Torah with a hangover. Rabbi started a Simon Says Shiur. The Rabbi Says Listen. He told them to follow in the Chumash. Not one person did it. He had to kick everybody out. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Beshalach2/1/2026
Announcements
All Minyins will be in shul. Even when it’s snowing outside. The rabbi says Zoom is not considered a location. And thus, we cannot have a Minyin there, even if Rebecca says so. To quote, "The cyber universe is not a place, even if there are cyber planets within. The Torah was not given to the cyber people. Thus, we will not be having Zoom Minyins. To note, we also don't count bots for a Minyin." Due to Rebecca, the rabbi has Asured the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah WhatsApp group. To quote, “Our congregants are idiots.” It is also forbidden to post on any community thread about Jewish stuff until you check with the rabbi that it is Jewish stuff. Everybody is still getting used to Harold’s mustache. We want to commend Harold on not giving up and keeping the thing. We have counted, and there have been upwards of twelve-hundred comments about how that thing looks like an animal on his face. Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Counts for a Minyin- How Missing Shul and Turning on Your Computer Was Not Commanded in The Torah. Why Nobody Should Listen to Rebecca- How Your Opinions Aren't Jewish. Harold’s Mustache- A Study in Awkward Hair Growth on His Face in Halacha. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... My friend asked me if they sang in Israel this week. And of course they did. The final hostage is home, and a song of unity... Yes. They asked Moshe if there weren’t enough graves in Egypt... We have graves here in Topeka. There are graves everywhere. I don't know if the Jews thought that the rest of the world had no graves.... Yes. They were being sarcastic. Anything in question that doesn't have a question mark is sarcasm. Do I enjoy being here... Do I enjoy answering that question. Bad grammar is sarcasm... My friend's question was a real one. And they sung Acheinu... (Shemot 14:24) The Egyptians said, “Let us flee from the Israelites, for Gd is fighting for them against Mitzrayim.” Not a fair fight. I know... Why does it have to be fair? The question is what is right. It's not fair that I have to deal with your questions. Your dumb questions, and they're not even sarcastic. And your off tune singing. It's not fair... If H' is stepping in, maybe you step down. You let don't let your ego get in the way. Even the Egyptians knew when to stop. You disband the board... And they didn't stop and they went in the sea and died. Like our membership, who has killed fun and connection to Gd... (Shemot 15:1) “Then Moshe and the children of Israel sang.” “Then.” Were they not singing before?... No, they weren’t. Pessy. They were suffering enough. They didn’t have to hear congregants singing too. The worst voices in this place... I am thinking we should skip Kedusha... It’s not OK to skip Kedusha Rebecca. There she goes again. I am talking about having to hear you sing Kedusha. Our shul should just say stuff. No singing. Put the Torah back in the Aron and say Etz Chayim Hi... (Shemot 15:21) Miriam tells the women, “Sing to God for He is most exalted; horse and rider He cast into the sea.” She didn’t look to the men of our shul to help out... Because that’s not redemption. That would be a curse. She wasn't trying to make things sound worse. She was trying to drowned out the men. If they sounded anything like the back left during Kedusha... When we overcome. We sing. When it’s over. When we feel that pure connection to Gd. Not tainted by the enemy or bad harmony. We can sing. We are now free... We are free because I don't hear any of our members singing right now... They sang. They didn’t ask questions about graves then. Moshe didn’t have to deal with questions for a day... And he sang too. He had freedom for a day. Yes. Moshe had an excellent voice when he sang. He wasn't a great talker. But his singing voice. Great range... Miriam’s song was responsive. Because women sing better than men. They know how to listen before they harmonize, unlike the men at our Minyin... Ran Gvili is back. Our nation can sing today... You all want fairness and equality. Not one of you want moral. Like the Mitzrim. You follow your feelings. Blasphemous feelings about Zoom Minyins... Even your Minyins aren't from Gd. How can you do a Minyin and still be anti-Gd... Rebbeca. Exactly. That’s how you end up in the sea. Are there moral people here... That was sarcastic... The question is when will there be truth. When we're not clouded by darkness and we can see Gd, we can sing... We can’t sing on Zoom. There is a lag. It doesn’t work. The harmony is worse than shul. I didn't think that was possible... So now snow ended Yiddishkeit? Is that what I’m seeing on the group chat?! Minyin has to be at shul... Why is Rebecca on the thread anyways?! It’s a Minyin thread and... You don’t count for Minyin either Rebecca. Even if you suggest it... Rebecca. You also suggested to drive on Shabbis. And then you suggested that men and women sit together. Do you not know this is an Orthodox shul... I understand there are a lot of heretics here. But we follow Halacha. The congregants don’t. But the shul does. It's a Halachik shul of people who don't follow Halacha. And that is why we have the board making decisions... That was sarcastic, and it wasn't even a question... To quote the rabbi emeritus, "Until Zoom costs three million dollars, and Sadie Feinberg dedicates it, it's not a place to Daven. When Zoom has a board, you can make the decision then..." You can see Gd when it's snowing... No more groups. No more community groups. No more social media... We are going to learn Torah from Sefers. From books... Because when you do something online, the next thing you know, our sanctuary is in somebody’s living room. And we’re having Minyin while Shloimi’s wife is telling him to take out the trash. Because Rebecca suggested it... If we could get Shloimi to take out the garbage before Minyin, maybe we could think of having a Zoom service... Services are not Minyins. They're prayers for not religious people... The lesson. Never listen to congregants. The one thing people should listen to is congregants’ comments on Harold’s mustache... I commend Harold. Kol Hakavod. I wouldn’t be able to grow one of those. I don’t think I could weather an eight-month storm of comments about my face. I'm going to keep the beard... Because nobody comments on beards. They just say, “I didn’t know you had that.” They don’t say, “Are you living in the ‘70s?” “You’re like Tom Sellek if women were not attracted to him.” “Did a gerbil die on your face." I'm not shaving my beard. The double chin... If Rebecca said “you shouldn’t come to shul looking like Harold” OK. Rashi teaches Az Yashir, “Then, when he (Moshe) saw the miracle, it entered his mind that he should sing... And he sang.” You have to see the miracle. I see a miracle when I have congregants that think Zoom is a place... It would be a miracle if Zoom was a shul... Because it's impossible, Rebecca. Like it's COVID... You won't catch COVID from Bernie. You'll catch an annoying conversation and bad jokes. If you come to shul, you'll catch a lot of really bad voices... The crazy thing is they’ve been singing in Israel even when dealing with our enemies. "Am Yisrael Chai." That’s how strong our nation is now. We sing when being chased. Because we are in Israel. Once you’re in Israel, you are free... Stuff is very expensive. But you’re free. Why I had to answer that. They sing all the time. We are living in the "then." We are past Zoom. And they complain about the price of cottage cheese... You people should never sing. You’re not in Israel. There is antisemitism. And you have bad voices. And you can’t harmonize... (Shemot 15:26) “If you listen to Gd’s voice...” Gd's voice is beautiful. The reason you people get sick is you’re a bunch of sinners. And you sing bad... And you complain... Oh. After the song and the miracle, the Jews complained right away... Why. Because they couldn’t find a decent water filter. Is that not like our sisterhood... I understand Miriam led the women in song… No, Rebecca. Women cannot lead services. We are an Orthodox shul. And Miram was Orthodox… Rivka's Rundown The rabbi turned that singing lesson around real fast. I think he manipulated what we learn from the splitting of the Sea because he didn't want to hear us sing. The rabbi complaining about us singing is tantamount to the Jews complaining about dying in the desert. That's the main lesson of this week's Drasha. Our congregants connected to the Jews complaining at the bitter waters, right after the Egyptians drowned. They complained right after the sermon. I'm getting the feeling the rabbi’s whole sermon was sarcastic. Maybe not the whole sermon. The not singing was straightforward. How bad we sound wasn’t sarcastic, until he asked Merv if he would like to lead Adon Olam. Suggesting Merv sing anything and it not being painful is sarcasm. "'Then.' Were they not singing before." That delivery. Perfect sermon delivery. Only our rabbi. So brilliant. He asked that question without a question mark. But it was not sarcastic, which was confusing. All the congregants could talk about during Kiddish was which stuff was sarcastic. What was a real question or a sarcastic one. I don't think they heard anything else during the Drasha. Just questions without question marks. They couldn't figure any of it out. And that is where it gets hard for our Rav. If you have a brilliant rabbi and fools for congregants, the sermon doesn't get heard. Ran Gvili being home. Buried in Israel. It means everything to our people. We never see the rabbi emeritus. Yet, the rabbi quotes him all the time. Whenever the rabbi wants to say something and doesn't want an argument from the board, he quotes this rabbi emeritus. I don't think he exists. Rebecca is a fool. It’s complicated when you have to explain to the MInyin what a Minyin does. I think the rabbi likes the members that don’t keep Halacha more than the members that are Shomer Shabbis. However, when the nonShomer Shabbis members show up to shul, he likes them less. I think the rabbi just doesn’t like seeing anybody at shul. If they don't show to shul, he loves them. If they're Shomer Shabbis and don't come to shul, he loves them. Point is shul is the place where the Minyin meets. Not Zoom. And not Michael's game room. He thought it would be good to have Shacharit and billiards. Everything to these people is a program. I am very for no more WhatsApp group lists. This way I don’t have to show up to anything, and nobody can blame me. I can just say, "Nobody reminded me.” With all the group reminders, you have to show. If you have an excuse, you can get out of it. But I haven't figured out how to use my lack of wanting to see the people during the week too as an excuse yet. I've tried telling them I don't like seeing them on Shabbis. The rabbi is right. Congregants should not be allowed to post ideas on social media without his approval. I listened to a congregant say that, because of that impossible to open renovated door, to get into shul we have to go through a different door. I ended up in the Mikvah. Not one of them said, "We should fix the door." That's a post that would've made sense. The shul gave an award to Harold for not giving up. The Persistence Award in the Face of Looking Like an Idiot. He kept the mustache. Listened to nobody. And now he looks like an idiot. The rabbi is definitely self-conscious about his double chin. You can see it through the beard. After dealing with all the congregants and hearing them complain again, the rabbi had second thoughts on turning our shul not Orthodox and having services on Zoom. As the rabbi said, "You can't have a Minyin on Zoom. You can have services on Zoom, because not religious Jews have services." I can see the rabbi giving into Rebecca if she pays extra money. The rabbi would lead a Zoom service if he got a raise. He would be fine leading a service. He would turn off the video, sit in bed with his long johns. Watch this, next week he's going to start Zoom classes. Once he realizes he doesn't have to see the congregants in person, he's going to love it. He'll find a way to do everything on Zoom. He'll bring COVID back. Tags:
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Got this sad video game for Chanukah. It needed a gaming console. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Console. Gaming console. To console the console. Console and console sound very different. Same word but sounds very different. Which is why this pun is best delivered in a letter. Games have feelings too. They just sound different. She got so much money for Chanukah. She felt so Gelty. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Gelt is money. Guilty. Here it’s Gelty. Guilty about Gelt. Gelty pockets are heavy. Something meaningful to that statement. It should be a saying. If it wasn't it is now. And it's very true if it's coins. Chocolate Gelty pockets can get very messy. Check that out. Another saying. It seemed like the paper heard everything. It was a flyer on the wall. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Fly on the wall. Flyer on the wall. We added the “er." Shuls have flyers, so it's a Jewish pun. Yosef saw Yaakov switch his right hand to Efraim, and he started thinking the Bracha about children propagating was kind of fishy. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? He said they should “propagate like fish.” Fish. Fishy. Fishy means suspicious. There’s something fishy about this pun. Especially, Yaakov switching his hands. In order to understand a pun, you should have a decent knowledge of the Torah. That store city Pitom went up real fast. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Pitom means “suddenly” in Hebrew. The name of the city the Jews built. The Jews built it real fast because the Egyptians were burdening them. The Jews suffered with it. Lisbol Sivlotam. Chinuch. And that is why you probably shouldn't be laughing at this pun. Some puns are serious. They're supposed to remind you of slavery. Shoreshes, roots of Hebrew words, are great for puns. Sometimes the pun is the exact meaning of the word. Which begs the question if it’s funny or not. It’s up to you if you want to laugh, or if you want it to be meaningful. I’m not going to judge you all the sudden. Maybe you have a dark sense of punner. The shul had a juicing event. Bernie said, “I didn’t come to shul for a choir.” (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Juicing sounds like “Jews sing.” Juicing is how you make smoothies. They were making smoothies. They were also singing. Jewsing. An event with two activities. The Talmid developed another birth mark, and the rebbe said, “Nach a Mol.” (Mordechai) You get it? Nach a Mol means “still one time.” This hear means “another mole.” You just have to work some English into the Yiddish there, and it works. ***Note: We learned a lot from the puns these past couple months. You will definitely think twice before laughing the next time you hear a pun. We just suggest here at the Kibbitzer that you think about the Shoresh and the puns effect on the Jewish people before you laugh. Tags:
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You’ve started going to Minyin during the week. Be ready. Being an innocent Minyin bystander, you will have to give Tzedakah.
You think you're at Minyin to Daven. No. You're at Minyin to give Tzedakah. That's how they see it. They being the guys walking around during Davening. And it can be daunting to first time Minyin goers who don't know how to hate other Jews yet. You're confused, and I'm here to shed light on a few Minyin spots and how to navigate your giving. Now, let’s go on the journey of Tefillah. The Shul Tzedakah Box The Pushke. Members of the congregation walk around with the cup. You give. That's it. Where does that money go? No idea. The shul already did the renovations. Why Dr. Michel Feinstein, who owns a house in Florida and Israel, as well as three practices, needs to walk around begging people for a dollar is beyond the scope of our educational piece. Yet, one can never have too much money. You can feel good giving to the shul Tzedakah Pushke, knowing somebody might get a raise. And that is charity. If you pay somebody's salary, and they work at a nonprofit, that's Tzedakah. That’s what the people at the Federation told me. Put a Dollar in the Pushke It's tradition to only give a dollar. I once tried giving more and the guy looked at me like I was a heretic. It falls under the commandment of Baal Tosef, don't add onto the Mitzvot. And the members of my shul are very committed to that commandment when it comes to charity. How did it become a Mitzvah to only give a dollar? No idea. I didn't know this was ubiquitous till I was at a Minyin in Florida where the Tzedakah box had "$1" written on it. They knew that's how much people give. And that is tradition. That's a dollar. Nobody has ever given more than a dollar at Minyin. I’ve never seen it. I've seen people use the Pushke for change. Seen a guy put in a twenty and take back twenty singles. That guy wasn’t even there for Minyin. I remember him asking me how much he needed for city parking. I've never seen somebody give more than a dollar. If you didn’t come prepared and all you have is a bigger bill. Break it. Don't be the first fool who gets ripped off and doesn't take change for his five-dollar bill. The Miniyin Tzedakah Guys at Shteibels I question these guys sometimes. Half the Minyin is collecting for something. Like none of them heard of government subsidy scams. These guys are smart. They usually hang out at Shteibel Minyin factories. With constant new Minyin flow, the customers come to you. The Shteibel guys can be shocking. Middle of the Amidah, you're bowing, you look up, and there's a guy you were bowing to, collecting his Tzedakah. Some come around extorting your Tzedakah with the change jingle. Some get you with their Tallis bag Pushke. Some use their hands. Quite dirty if I may say. And Shteibels don’t have sanitizer. They’re too religious for that. The hand jingle method is used to discourage you from taking the change. Take the change. Frum Jews keep Mitzvahs, and that means getting the balance. Worry about your health later. I would question the guys coming around with the credit card machines. Something about credit card machine gives off a not Tzedakah vibe. It feels more like retail. Like they're selling charity, at marked up prices. I like to get a deal on Tzedakah. The Kotel You go to the Kotel. The scariest person. Give to them. The one that’s the most threatening. Give to them. If you are frightened, give. If they pop up behind you, as you're walking to the Wall, that's a legitimate charity. uBacharta BaChaim. Safety comes first when giving charity. The ones who really need the money have nothing to live for. Again. Carry dollars. Dollars. Not Shekels. Poor people want dollars, even in Israel. They need it for their vacation to America. You want to have a lot of dollars when going to the Kotel. There are many scary Tzedakah collectors at the Kotel. They see you give to one, they'll attack you as a group. Dollar bills are a safeguard. The only way to fend off a pack of Shnurers is with dollar bills. You have only one dollar bill, the rest of them will attack you, and you’ll be with nothing to fend them off with. Shekels can also work, if you look like you're not doing too well yourself. Again, always make sure you have enough for all of them. They run in packs. Focus on Davening and Give the Money Anybody can focus on Tefillah. It takes years to master Kavanah, focusing on prayers while a random guy shakes a Tallis bag full of change in your face. It takes time, but you will learn to bow to Gd while handing money to the stranger. They feed off that emotion of you praying to Gd to not die, and they take your money. I am just trying to help prepare you for the beautiful Mitzvah of giving Tzedakah. I’m beginning to think sitting in the women’s section might be a better place to go, if you want good Kavanah time. Maybe just pray in the women’s section. Give the Dollar I can’t reiterate this enough. You're thinking "they'll just move on." No. Have the money. Dollars. Again. Dollars. No matter where you are. Carry dollars. You don't know who will attack. Carry dollars. If you carry bigger bills, you might have to give that. People are like Pushkes. You want to be sure to pull out one-dollar bills. You pull out a twenty, they see it, you have to give it. Now you're stuck eating falafel for dinner again. And always give to the scariest looking one. The most disheveled person. The one who has nothing to live for. They have no qualms breaking your arm. And never pull out the wallet. They will take that too. I'm starting to get the feeling that some of these rogue Tzedakah collectors are Frum felons. If you've learned anything, wherever you Daven, somebody will take your money. You might as well give it. Don’t ask questions. Get the Mitzvah and give the Tzedakah. I hope this has been educational and inspires you to go to Minyin more often. Tags:
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How did the Gishmack Chassidic Minyin experience in Miami Beach end up. Last time we spoke of Streimels and my inability to pronounce them correctly. I sound too American to be Frum. What happened next.
One Guy Welcomed Me One of the kind men came over to say "Vos Machstu." I answered, and he realized he was dealing with somebody that has a disability. He was doing Kiruv. Either that, or he was just a kind man, or he was being nice to a nonJew that was wearing Tefillin. Whatever it was, he disrupted Davening. There were other very nice people too. But they had too much Kavanah to say Hi. Come to think of it, that guy that welcomed me wasn't focusing on Davening. Not a very good Jew. Torah Reading Was Different I didn't understand Layning. I think they were Layning in Yiddish too. It must've been. To understand the Torah reading, I had to use the Hebrew as a translation. They Have Different Zmanim I thought Shkiah was at sundown. It turns out it's forty minutes after that. Chassidim have longer days. Clocks read differently in Yiddish. If you enjoy Shabbis, this is good stuff. You can get an extra few hours of Shabbis just in the morning hours. One of Them Was A Rebbe They were all rabbis. One was a rebbe. I know that now, because he was old. And he had a hunch in his back. Which means he learned a lot of Torah. And they followed him when he walked. That's when you know you're a holy person, when people follow you. I was walking pretty fast to get to Minyin, and I cut in front of somebody walking very slow. That was a mistake. At the time, I was not aware of the Chassidic traffic patterns of Miami Beach. Now I know to walk slow. Just walk at a leisurely pace, behind people. Follow them and you'll be fine. The idea is to stalk the rebbe. The rebbe truly slowed up traffic. There were a good thirty Chassidim behind him, waiting for him to go into the shul, so they could pick up the pace and get home. As the rebbe walked into the shul, one Chassid said, "Now I'm late for work again." Some walk fast. Some walk slow. Some walk behind the rebbe. Some take a car. But they're all Chassidim. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme I bring you. There Were Women There were women there. I didn't see them. They weren’t in shul. There is no way there were no women. Even Uman gets women. After Davening, I realized the women were at the beach. Some of the women were in their swim trunks. Some in their Sheitel. Some were sunbathing. Some adjusting their Tichel. But they were all not at shul. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme. I just came up with that one and translated it as I wrote it. Side note: Chassidic single weekends are not the right place to meet the ladies. They Will Ask for Money People were asking for money. But not on Shabbis. So, you might want to skip Sunday morning Minyin. Save a couple of bucks. It’s hard to choose who to give to. There were twelve guys collecting for something. I don't know what's for what. You see, I'm already talking as a good Chassid. "What's for what." That just sounds Yiddish. And that's my experience as the eleventh man at the Minyin. A beautiful weekend with my Chassidic brethren, and I'm sure there were some sisteren there. Somewhere. They must've been there. At least I came out sounding more Jewish. I give you this rundown so that you can learn from it. And you can act Frum the next time you're going to the beach to check out the ladies. I still have no idea what Chassidic sect they're from. I asked them, but I think they answered me in Yiddish. I didn't understand. I was amazed the rebbe felt it was important that his Chassidim be near South Beach. I didn't expect to see that Minyin right off the beach. Men in bathing suits with a Streimel. B"H, I did not see that. Some sunbathe in Israel. Some sunbath in Florida. Some are name Michel. Some are named Devorah. Another Yiddish nursery rhyme for you. Tags:
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I thought I knew about Yiddishkeit. Then I ended up at a Chassidic Minyin in Miami Beach. I need to learn Yiddish. I had no idea what was going on. Here is my experience of being with my Chassidic friends at Miami Beach for the weekend, and some advice, just in case you end up at a Minyin and they count you as the eleventh.
They Definitely Questioned My Being Jewish They were questioning my Jewishness on Friday morning, and they were quite amazed I could read Hebrew. I looked like a Goy, sitting there with my Kippah, Tallis and Tefillin. I think the Minyin counted me as the eleventh guy. And rightfully. I don't know Yiddish. They counted "Hosheea Et Amecha," finished the ten count of "Ad Olam," and then I heard "Nafsheynu." I believe I was Nafsheynu. First time I ever heard that. Learn Yiddish I couldn't understand a word. I know Shacharit. I've been Davening my whole life. By the way, if you want to not sound like an idiot, it's Shacharis. The fact that I asked them if they were doing "Shacharit," rightfully excluded me from the Minyin. They were Davening in Yiddish. There is no other way to explain it. There is no other way I can rationalize me not understanding the word "Barchu." Davening is Different But the Same That Baruch She'Amar caught me off guard. I was already at Ashrei. It turns out they were doing a different form of Ashkenazi Davening, called Sefardi. Sefard Ashkenazi Davening. That's confusing. Sefardic Davening, but Ashkenazik. The one thing that I can tell you is they didn't sound like the guys at the Sefardic Minyin I Daven with in Israel. It sounded more like Sefardic Jews praying in Yiddish. And I've never met the Sefardic Jewish community whose ancestors hail from Medzhybizh. It Takes Longer in Yiddish Davening took longer. I was not ready for this thing they call Kavanah. I was ready to go home fifteen minutes ago. They were somehow in the middle of Shema still. The Shema prayer takes longer in Yiddish. I was not aware of that. Show up late. That's the key. If you show up a half hour late, you'll be out on time. Don't Judge a Jew by his Streimel I was enamored by the Streimels. The whole Shabbis Davening, I was comparing Streimels. Trying to figure out which one costs more. With my intent focus on the Streimels some of the Chassidim thought I had Kavanah. There are different kinds of Streimels. Some are taller, some are shorter, some are wider, some are thinner. But they are all Jews. That's a nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish. It took me a while to not judge the person based on their Streimel. And I hope that after a while of them realizing that I read Hebrew like an American Apikores, they would see me as a Jew. And I realized, I was wearing an inner Streimel, also known as my Kippah. And I was proud of my Mitnaged roots. By being a Litvak, I saved eight thousand dollars. A Streimel with White Hair One guy's Streimel had some white hairs in it. That was a shocker. I thought all Streimels had brown hair. Nope. After many days of long Davening and paying off the mortgage, Streimels can change color. Another guy's Streimel had thinning hair. My Streimel was bald. That's what I told them when they were trying to figure out if they could start Mincha on Shabbis afternoon. I told them my Streimel lost all its hair. They understood. They saw my Kippah and figured that I must a not easy home life, and my Streimel lost all its hair. And they counted me as the tenth. And some wear them differently. There are those who wear them high. Those who wear them low. Those who wear them off to the side. And some who wear them in the snow. But they are all Jews. Another nursery rhyme I translated from Yiddish. Different Songs They are not singing the Shwekey tunes you're used to for Kedusha. They didn't make a point of trying to fit words into "Im Eshkachech" that don't work. Even so, they sing Jewish songs. I know they were Jewish songs, because they all sounded the same. As such, I became a Chassid quite quickly. And I sang that tune. Whatever that tune was. I didn't know the tune for Shalishudis. But I yawned a lot of Nays. I figured that if I yawned and let out some NayNayNays I would fit right in. I got really into the singing. And then one guy turned to me and said, "That's not Yiddish. That's a Hebrew NayNayNay." That was a lot of Yiddish for one day. Truth is, I'm now questioning if I'm a good Jew, not knowing Yiddish. I have to learn Yiddish before I go back to Miami Beach. Prove myself. Prove my Frumnessiasity. I at least have to end my Jewish words with more s's. We’ll continue next time with more Yiddish. While we try to figure out what Chassidic sect settles on a beach where there are no bungalows. One thing I do know. The Streimels do an excellent job of keeping the sun out. Tags:
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The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot… After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah. Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.) Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah. Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing. And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan. (Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary. King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably. Your extravagant use of words is vanity. Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them. Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur. Tags:
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Our shul security team.
Due to the physical threat to our people and terrorism, we need the member security teams. And this is why Freida, Bernice and Ethel Finkelman are out there. Protecting our people. Let me just say that the membership security team does not make me feel safe. Every one of them, sitting outside of shul with their walkers.
Our shul security force. I just don't know how much I trust it. Maybe I'm a skeptic. Bernie needs somebody to help him stand. Bernie has a walker with a seat. He can't move without assistance. Freida and Ethel are not scaring the anti-Semites away. I don't know if attackers will be deterred by Ethel Finkelman. Though, she has a very nice smile. She can ask where they are from. Offer them lunch. Freida and Ethel will definitely make the anti-Semite feel comfortable at our shul. And I know they do a fine job of inviting them in for services. To round out the team, we have Sam there for conversation. He's not checking anybody. He's discussing politics and his thoughts on the new addition to the JCC with the others. Sam is truthfully just trying to get out of shul. The only person under seventy-eight on the team is Amanda. She likes to check the bags to see their make. She's very into fashion. She held up one lady at the door for fifteen minutes before she let her in. She had a Louis Vuitton Capucines bag. How did we get here? A committee. A committee had a meeting and made the decision that they should be doing security. Each one of them has a graduate degree in social sciences or medicine. And they are all retired. So, they felt that works for security. Our security team is definitely friendly. They're very into Hachnasat Orchim. And they would definitely not let the Mitzvah of inviting guests pass on a terrorist. Who they would make sure stayed for Kiddish. And that worries me. They're CSF and they're taking it seriously. They have a name. They've acronymized it. They're actually serious about protecting us. CSF. Congregant Security Forces. You've got to acronymize that. Other than rabbis, nobody is scared when they hear "congregant." The only time I'm scared of a congregant at my shul is if I'm sitting in his seat. They will attack you. The CSF members are also hitting the gym. I see them at the Jewish Community Center. They're in the weight room, talking. The most out of shape people. I've never seen such a big group of people who all go to the gym for social reasons. On the treadmills, enjoying a good conversation over a stroll. Sitting on the Cybex machines because the equipment is comfortable. I heard Sam going off, "Bernie. Mendel. You've got to try this one. Excellent cushions." This is when I knew the committee was not the right one to make these decisions. Recently our shul started discussing new seats. I overheard Sam expressing his thoughts on the matter to a possible predator. Many wanted pews. It turns out the shul can't get pews because they don't have armrests. Why does our shul need armrests? Turns out that nobody needs them for their arms. They don't need them for comfort reasons. They needed the armrests because membership wouldn't be able to stand without them. They need to brace themselves on the armrests. Push off with their hands. And that is how they are able to stand. They can't stand without armrests. And these are the people protecting us from attacks. People who can't stand with their legs. I think the last thing I heard Fran say last Shabbat was, "Oy. My back." Thank Gd we had a random guy show up for services last Shabbat. It gave the CSF crew something to do. And they showed how good they are with people. Ethel was asking the guy where he's from. What he does for a living. She made him feel at home. Truly showed interest in the guy and his family. If there was a terrorist, Ethel would be able to give you his lineage. What town in the Middle East he's from. She would know his favorite local restaurant. Truth is, our security should be doing CIA work. With the amount they talk, they will get the information you need. The shul security forces are friendly. And they should be praised for that. I've never felt so comfortable with security. Most of the time security guards are serious, standing there with no smile, taking care of securing the area. Not our security team. They smile. They make you feel welcome. Chas vShalom, they would never make an attacker feel bad. At least they're good at asking questions. I was at my brother's shul in Teaneck. That was the first time anybody there ever asked me anything about myself. If it wasn't for Penina Shaina being on the security team, I would've said they were a very not friendly shul. I think they're great for the shul. As a welcoming crew, CSF would be great. I'm just worried about acute security risks that can't be taken care of with a bit of shmoozing and mingling. The CSF team is so out of shape. I've seen their vacation pictures. Our security staff should never post their Florida pictures in those bathing suits. How they can smile with that much excess body weight, when everybody else who doesn't work security somehow looks decent. And I am not security shaming. I just question how they're going to protect us. If there is a geriatric attacker, we might have a chance. Bernie and Ethel will take them down. They took the security course. They know what they're doing. We are in good hands if we get attacked by a terrorist with a rollator. Any assailant that can walk, we have problems. I hope I didn't expose our security weaknesses. On the positive, Bernie does have an aid with him. She might be able to impede the attacker. It’s a welcoming committee. Our shul finally has a welcoming crew. One that shows interest in you and where you come from. One that asks questions about why you're at shul today. People who are finally curious to know about you and what's in your bag. Members are finally getting the attention they need. And at least people are now showing up to shul. They're not in shul Davening. But they're there. Talking to Sam in the hallway. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYigash12/28/2025
Announcements
The renovations committee has decided that the shul will get AstroTurf for the sanctuary as many stadiums now use it. The head of the committee said, "It's used in the place of grass. Why should it not be used instead of carpet?!" We’re asking our congregants to participate in the Davening. It's been reported that our shul is very depressing, by the people who are depressing. Please greet people. Please smile. And please help with the singing in Davening. Make our shul less depressing by you not depressing everybody. Musaf’s repetition tune was messed up on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah because nobody finished off the Kedusha "Halleluka" with the tune to lead the Chazin. You have a job as congregants. And sometimes that might mean helping with the tune of Al HaNisim throughout a holiday, for every prayer. We put in a petition to our Christian neighbors to give us more than Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song over their six months of Christmas. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Angry and Depressed in Shul- A Day with Our Members. How to Be a Congregant- A Class with Guest Speakers from Other Shuls. How to Fit the Words of Every Prayer into Al Hanisim- A Course in Jewish Music. Jewish Identity Found in Santa's Lap at the Mall. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yosef sends his brothers to Israel to bring the whole family to Mitzryaim... Why not? It's winter. It's a bit warmer than Israel. Why should the family not go down for a visit? Yosef makes sure to take care of his brothers. (Bereishit 45:21-23) He sends them with changes of clothes, all the good stuff from Egypt for Yaakov and donkeys and wagons and food. Last time I went down to Florida, I had to pack my own sandwich. Not one member of this shul packed a lunch for their rabbi. Not even a corned beef on club... I like club. And a little mayonnaise. I'm not a corned beef on rye guy... It’s care. It’s concern... I have no idea what the good stuff in Mitzrayim was. It could've been Hashish. (Bereishit 45:24) Yosef sends his brothers and he says, “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” “Don’t become agitated on the way.” When he sends them, it’s not the stuff, it’s the focus. The safety of the way. Have you ever traveled with my wife?!... It was the way that Yosef cared. Sent them on the mission. More importantly. He and Paroh made sure they had everything. And more important than that, it was the peace of mind. You can't travel. You can't do your mission right when you have congregants that are so annoying. They get under your skin with their stupidity... AstroTurf???!!!!! How can I focus on being a rabbi with AstroTurf?! Am I supposed to slide into the Bima?! Is the Gabai going to tackle me?!... And what do you need most? Peace of mind. “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” You can have everything. But the wrong focus. People like Bernie, will throw you off... Rashi gives three explanations for "not becoming agitated" and not dealing with congregants. Just thought you might want to know... Don’t discuss Halacha... Ever seen a Chavrusa. Yelling at each other. A lot of fighting about Rava. Even worse. Ever fielded a question from one of our members?! I never knew I would have to field questions about artificial grass. Don’t rush. Stop properly on the journey... A bathroom break. Yosef is telling them to take bathroom breaks, Fishel. And now I am agitated. How this is a Halachik question. And don’t fight about who is to blame for selling Yosef... I don’t know which one Yosef meant. He might have wanted to think they would fight on the way. The same way Ruchel wants to know that we appreciate her Tzimis... When you send someone on a mission. When people are traveling, you think about them. “Don’t become agitated on the way.” You have that responsibility to support them. Don't give them the mission to be the rabbi and then ask him to deal with a membership who harmonizes... It's annoying. Kills my Davening every day. I'm hearing a ringing in my ear right now. Now is not the time to think about where you went wrong. How you ended up in Topeka. The individual has to focus on the mission. The other people have to support them correctly. Let your rabbi do his job and don't do stupid stuff. Don't be a board member... The renovations committee needs to know they are fools. We have to support them in that way... Artificial turf?!! We have not one athlete in this shul... How will it save people time in shul? Who in Gehenim mows carpets?!... You don’t mow the lawn in front of the shul anyways. And now we have to get down on AstroTurf on Yom Kippur?!... The Chazin needs our support... The Tefillah is out loud. There is singing. You are expected to not be a bunch of depressing congregants... Yes. You are supposed to join in the singing. Rebecca has no problem harmonizing. Sounds awful... You don’t even pay dues. How can you expect the Chazin to Daven for you... He needed support. He needed the Hallelulaka at the end of Musaf Kedusha to get the tune right... This is agitating. Hold on. You’re the Chazin. You have to be able to figure it out yourself... You think anybody can depend on our congregants?! Have you seen the dues? Can’t even depend on them to be congregants... They’re members but they’re not... If you haven’t paid your dues, you’re not members. You're people who take Kichel at Kiddish every week and don't pay... At least help the Chazin out with moving into the Musaf Kedusha. That’s your job as a congregant. And to pay your dues. And to make sure your rabbi gets a raise... You're congregants. You're still agitating. Couldn't even figure out the Al Hanisim tune for Kedusha. How can you be our Chazin. Getting a new one... Always messes up his mission... Well. We need a Chazin who can look at our congregation and say, "These people are very not helpful"... You should be singing Al Hanisim eight days straight. That is how you celebrate Chanukah... Tirgzu also means to become angry. “Don't become angry.” When others have a holiday. Don’t become agitated... I have spoken to the pastors about their celebrating Christmas months before their holiday starts. Their Christmas in downtown Topeka lasts from Shavuot to Purim. We have eight holidays in the time they celebrate one... Chanukah and they're wearing Christmas hats already. Can't give us the week. Eight days. That's all we want. I told them. They’ve taken over the radio with Christmas songs since July. It's not fair. Give us a song... They play those songs on the radio all year. That Mariah Carey and Bruce Springsteen... One Chanukah song is all we have. We have one song. "I Had a Little Dreidel"... And Al Hanisim. Correct... Maybe a Jew could support his people and focus on writing a Chanukah song for once... Always writing Christmas songs. I have a feeling a Catholic wrote "I Had a Little Dreidel"... You might have a little Dreidel. I had one. That's how I sing the song... (Bereishit 45:19-21) Paroh tells Yosef that he should tell his brothers to take from the best of Egypt. And they do that. Why not?! Enjoy. If I told you to take from the best of the shul. You would be stuck in a long drown out conversation with Chana about turf. Yosef though, focused on their journey. Yosef would’ve packed up a bunch of corned beef sandwiches for his brothers. The best corned beef. The fatty stuff... They didn’t have corned beef back then. Bernie. It's hyperbole, Bernie. Hope... We all have a mission. We're all on a journey in this world. Don't take Bernie along. He will throw you off. You take my wife. Next thing you know, you're shopping for Chanukah tinsels... But more than that. We have a requirement to not mess up other people's missions. Let me enjoy my vacation down in Florida this year, for crying out loud. Let me have some peace of mind. A week with no Christmas songs, and no renovation ideas dealing with AstroTurf. Idiots... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was hoping somebody would put together a corned beef on club for his next trip. Always hinting to stuff. He went off for three minutes on how he likes his sandwiches. Why lettuce with a touch of dill made it into the sermon this week is a question I still ask. "Don't be a board member." Some of the most profound words from our rabbi. Best Musar, rebuke, our rabbi has ever given. The Renovations committee felt it was important to get artificial turf because they had extra money. To quote the committee chair, “We have money. I think.” They said the shul is like the Astrodome, as the sanctuary has a ceiling. That was their thought. I agree. A Chazin should be able to do every Tefillah to Al HaNisim. That is how we’re going to start checking who's allowed to lead us in services. They're depressing. Our shul’s members bring a feeling of sadness to Chanukah. The rabbi later explained the responsibility of congregants. Which is something they pay for. You pay to help the Chazin. That's what a member does. He also let people know that they have to be ready to sing the Al HaNisim tune at least a hundred forty times over the course of Chanukah. That's the requirement of a Jew. Payment. And then to sing Al Hanisim all hundred forty times with a smile. The rabbi did make it clear that the congregants have bad voices. Nonetheless, they need to be part of the services. Which is why things sound very bad. Truth is I don't know if them singing will help the Chazin. It hurts me. Our kids sat on Santa for Chanukah. That’s what the mall gave us as Jews for Chanukah. They allowed our children to enjoy Santa too. I couldn't get one "Happy Hanukah" this year. Not even a Hanukah on Chanukah. It's Chanukah and they’re already celebrating Christmas. which isn’t even happening. So, for Chanukah, Santa wished us a Merry Christmas. I'm just amazed at how much they celebrate Christmas in our town. No Jewish neighbor of mine is celebrating any Jewish holiday longer than they have to. Chanukah. We are not giving people more gifts. The fact they have to get eight gifts they don't want already is painful. We’re not singing Al Hanisim till Purim. Pesach. We are looking to get out of there. The holiday is over. We're not singing those songs anymore. Maybe Kel Bnei. Because it’s amazing. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album LIII12/27/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about having to say every additional prayer on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah, and TV dinners which good Jews eat when traveling and at Simchas, all while praising Jews for not cleaning their front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of him taking down the Ya’aleh vYavo sign, instead of relishing the extra Tefillahs..
Nothing happened. No wind. No war. That’s a Frum front lawn. We don’t have backyards in the bungalows. We don’t use them in Teaneck... The neighbors understand that Jews learn Torah and leave stuff on the front lawn. That's the tradition. The Mesorah. Due to years of oppression our people are always ready for tragedy. Hence, the chairs are all in their right spots. And we keep them there. Front lawn.
Kosher class on a cruise. People next to me were asking why Jews like airplane food so much. We like our food double wrapped. It just tastes better with the plastic. Frum Jews, we take pride in TV dinners. Wedding food at my heretic cousin’s wedding. There is no greater feeling as a religious Jew than being at a wedding and pulling your food out of the casing at the table. All five courses individually wrapped by MealMart… We see that double wrapping as quality assurance. And incarcerated people of all nations would agree.
Those signs are the scariest thing I've seen in a while... I had to repeat the Amidah five times before I got it right. Turns out, when you see signs, shul takes longer too. Next time I see that many signs, I’ll be sure to skip shul.
I did my part for the congregation, taking down the sign. That saved a good fifteen minutes the next morning... One guy said, “I don’t even know why we have the sign. That Gabai whacked the table so hard, I had to bench Gomel.” Gomel is the Bracha you say when you survive a near-death experience. Which according to many can include a Chazin singing Hallel on a weekday.
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And nobody is questioning why the toddler is lighting the Chanukiah. (photo: jewishboston.com)
My Talmidim have been asking me about what to expect at shul Chanukah parties. I did my research. They are all the same. I was at another shul and this is what I saw at the Chanukah party at Temple Breet. The same stuff they had at my shul. They also had a Chinese auction and no Chinese people.
I saw it at my shul, and I saw it here. Here is what to expect. Questions People will ask you questions. Like where you are from, why you haven’t shown up to shul, and why you are single and not good enough for their granddaughter. Sometimes they're asking for security reasons. I don't know what not being attractive, and having a pathetic job, have to do with the safety of the congregation. Even so, they will ask you why you're single. They will also ask how you make a living. And that they will ask if you can make a living that way. The first question is there so that they can ask why you're not a doctor. Which is the only way you can truly make a living. Kids Crying Kids crying is the centerpiece of the shul Chanukah party. There will be kids getting mad they didn't get the prize they wanted. Go expecting to see your child crying, because she didn’t win Chanukah Barbie. The Barbie edition where she puts on fifteen pounds from eating Sufganiot. The children want this and they will cry if they don't get it. Enjoy the experience of children crying. There is nothing more enjoyable than seeing a kid cry because they didn't win an eraser. Dreidel There will be a Dreidel competition. Do not play Dreidel with the youth expecting to make money. And don't chase your losses. I have been to Gamblers Anonymous and I've met many Dreidel addicts. It all starts with chasing your losses. Chaim keeps on landing on the Gimel. Let it be. These little Dreidel sharks will take you for everything. They learn this stuff at school. In class they're building Chanukiahs with slabs of wood and nuts, and they're learning how to land on the Gimel. If you have my luck gambling, you will lose every chocolate coin you ever earned. A Guy with Candy A candy man. A creepy guy who loves kids and loves to give them candies. And he smiles a lot. Don't worry. He's a good guy. May not be allowed back at the Chanukah party next year. But he's a good guy. Too good of a guy. He's too nice to people. And that scares the parents. A Shul Band There will be a shul band. If you're lucky, they worked on the Dreidel song this year. If not, they shall be playing the Dreidel song in the G chord again. That's what they worked on. They have that chord down. That is the song they will be singing. G chord. Half of the performance will be watching the Gabai and the other members of the band, who Daven together, trying to tune the guitar. How do you get accepted into the band? You show up to Minyin. People Singing There will be people who think they can harmonize. And you will have to hear it. If nobody is singing, they harmonizers will break out a song. And there will be no melody. Thank Gd there aren't too many Frum Chanukah songs. Just Al HaNisim. A lot of Al Hanisim singing. We repeat that one. So, get Al HaNisim down. We've worked on holiday songs for other holidays. Chanukah is just Al HaNisim and a bunch of stuff reform people sing. One of the harmonizers will start singing one of the English songs, as they converted recently and still enjoy caroling. Chanukah caroling is what they love about Judaism. I suggest you watch out for the harmonizers. There are many of them. Usually, they talk in an elegant voice. If you hear somebody enunciating, move to a different table. Anything about their youth in a choir, do not stay. Somebody brings up how much they love Aaron Neville, run. Latkes and Sufganiot Got to have Sufganiot and Latkes. Why? Because there is oil in them, and somehow, the Menorah in the Temple stayed lit with fried potatoes with applesauce, and a jelly doughnut. Our history is important. Latkes are the Chanukah falafel to the Israeli event. They don't do the Israeli deserts at Israeli events. They would have baklava at every Israeli event, but nobody can clean that stuff up. And they don't need to add a cleanup committee to the other five Israel committees. I am sure the Maccabees did not have Sufganiot. They never have enough jelly and they Mashmin. If you hear any Hebrew on Chanukah from an Israeli at the shul, it will be "Sufganiot make you fat." No Chanukah party ever have enough Sufganiahs. Yet, there are always leftovers. Another Chanukah miracle left out of the Book of the Maccabees. Kids Running Kids will be running around. I don't think the little guys know what's going on. They're just at shul again, and that means running. And you will not find their parents. Yet another Chanukah miracle. How kids make it to shul without parents. A Bouncy House It's a community event. Therefore, there will be a bouncy house. This is Jewish tradition. In the times of the Greeks, the kids would've never played Dreidel if they didn't have bouncy houses. You should not jump in the bouncy house. There is no age limit written on it, which makes it quite confusing for the forty-five-year-olds who want to have a good time. And again, that was not fair to the candy man. If he would've known, he would not have been rolling around the bouncy house. Mincha Minyin In the middle of the event. That's how Frum Jews celebrate. We go to events to catch Minyin. Is there any place better to find a quorum than shul?! Hence, the Chanukah party at shul. Make sure to bring your Latkes to Mincha. If you don’t, they will be gone. Menorah Lighting A community Chanukah Menorah lighting will take place. This gives the kids something to run around. The Chanukiah lighting is a chance for the harmonizers to harmonize to whatever is going on in their head, and for the band to play the G chord. I guess there are a couple more songs. At the Chanukiah ceremony, you will sing Maoz Tzur. And then everybody will break into their Hanerot Halalu. They will commit to their Hanerot Halalu, thinking their’s is the only Hanerot Halalu. And they will be convinced the other people are singing the same song. And this is what harmony does. Oh. How our people express themselves with song in a very awkward way. My advice to any beginners is to just go to the party and eat. That's how you fit in. Eat a lot. The more you eat, the more you look like a member of the shul. Again. I suggest you watch out for the singers. They will try to pull you in. Just pray they don't start a dancing circle. If they dance and try to make you join, I apologize. I pray they don't do that to you. Nothing brings more discomfort and awkwardness to a Jewish event than a circle dance. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYishlach12/7/2025
Announcements
We have a gambling issue in the shul. The board seems to be betting on members paying their dues to help support the shul’s electric bills. Odds are we won’t have heat in the chapel this winter. We will not be giving out football cards to the kids anymore. They’re too expensive nowadays. The Gabai apologizes to the parents. To quote, “The shul can’t afford for your children to believe in Gd.” We are coming back with the shul Bingo night. A great religious tradition. One that has inspired many generations of our people. We will not be hosting Chumash class anymore. The board voted and it turns out that Bingo is more inspirational. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Will Congregants Pay Their Dues- A Class in Bookmaking and Working Odds. How To Teach Your Children Without Baseball Cards and Other Impossible Tasks. The Jewish Tradition of Bingo in the Gaonic Period. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... When you’re satisfied with who you are you can have peace. Which is why everybody in this shul is so tense... None of you are comfortable with who you are. Always looking at Melanie's hats... The huge ones. Be happy with you are and your pathetic little derbies. Esav sees his brother and is overtaken by emotion... He cried. He wasn’t a board member who is ice cold and has no care for their rabbi. (Bereishit 33:9) Upon Yaakov insisting Esav takes his gifts Esav responds, “I have plenty. Achi. Let what is yours be yours.” And to this day, we Israelis refer to each other as Achi. My brother. And to this day, that is how you get somebody to buy hats and sunflower seeds from you... We are happy with what our brothers have. Especially when they invite you for dinner and they have brisket. Esav was content. Didn’t need to feel hatred. He was happy with himself. He is fine seeing someone else's success. Not like Simon who curses people when they do the Mishebeyrachs for all their family members... I understand some of their families are too big and it takes way too long for them to get out all the names. And the Kugel gets cold... Cursing them is fine. You’re right... Hating gifts is what allows for peace and love. You all expect gifts and then Chanukah comes and you get gifts, and you're mad, because the gifts are real bad... Esav was thinking, "All he gives me is a herd..." The problem is you’re not happy with who you are and what you have. And that is why you are always fighting over the armrest. Can the shul be happy with what it has? Can we be happy seeing other people’s success? Can we be happy with Shloimi’s new fedora... Well stop talking about it Simcha. I see you cursing out his new hat every moment. During the Amidah you were saying, “Gd. Please strike down his new hat. I hate him and I hate the feather.” And Fran’s new hat is also ugly as sin... Who in this shul has plenty??? Well. Bernie. Nobody sees it... Because you share none of it with us. You... Achi!!! You’re gambling with the shul... I don’t know what to do. But depending on Harry for heat is not a good idea... And we are cancelling the shul casino night... Giving out baseball cards is how you get kids to love Gd. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I say pull the kids from Jewish day school. There’s no hope... Take them Comic-Con and they will be religious. Learning Rashi has never brought a kid closer to Gd... Giving out baseball cards was a great tradition. But. Who can afford it now? I can’t even afford to go to a game... Football cards are expensive too. Baseball cards is what you call football cards... How their parents can afford to buy them cards, I have no idea... A pack of cards is half of dues. Have you seen these packs. Two cards and fifty dollars. Then you got to send in a decent card to get it graded, for thirty dollars. So, you get back a four-dollar card you spend eighty dollars on, and the kid will only believe in H' if you buy him another pack... If the Gabai would work overtime, he would be able to afford it. It’s on him. He doesn’t care about Chinuch... Jewish education is the chance of getting an Aaron Judge. A Patrick Mahomes. Or an ulcer if you're the parent buying it... It's about Shalom. When you buy people stuff. When you give, there can be peace... Barbies are also too expensive. We don't think our shul will be making any good Balabastas. And this is why there is no Shalom in the shul. Nobody can afford anything... Bingo is how you get adults to love Gd. At least people show up for Bingo. Minyin, not so much... Calling out "Bingo" is a religious thrill... Of course, Bingo is Mutar. It’s not gambling if the money is going to shul... We host Bingo for religious reasons. Have you ever heard anyone yell out "Bingo"? It’s inspired. The Divine has come through them. Emanating into the world through that card. Has anybody ever gotten that feeling from understanding the Pshat in a Gemara... Everybody, right now, say it with me, “BINGO!!!!” I can feel it. Can I get a "Bingo!" Yes. One more time. From the congregation... Bingo jealousy is wrong. It makes for a noncommunal event... Menachem will always lose. Accept that. And be happy for others. Find the "let what is yours be yours" inside of you. And we can find brotherhood in this shul... Achi!!! Yaakov's brotherhood is found in his belief. (Bereishit 33:11) Yaakov sees it all as coming from H’. We are going to need Gd’s help, because none of you support the shul... Yaakov says, “Please take my blessings that I have brought for you, for H’ has been gracious to me, and I have everything..." He may not have everything. But he doesn't have a board. And that is a blessing. Are you content enough to cry?! It is contentment that brings Shalom, and an electric bill that gets paid for. It's contentment that allows you to pay the mortgage... That may bring tears. Wherever it comes from, if you are content, if you are happy with who you are and not Rachel the shul president, you can have peace. You can express emotion. You can be vulnerable. You can cry. It's about hating gifts. It is that one who hates gifts who is content and ready for Shalom... No. The shul loves gifts. The shul needs gifts to pay for heat. And to give the rabbi a raise... So your rabbi can be content... Not getting a raise can also make one cry... The lesson is Bingo. Bingo is a more important tradition to our people than learning... Even more important than baseball cards. Bringing generations together... Be it wealth or belief in H'. We must find kindness and giving in our hearts. The point is to be happy with what you have. Even if you can't yell out "Bingo." To have that kind of true happiness, where you can cry with others. A Shalom where you can be honest and let Shloimi know how annoying that feather in the hat is... Feathers don't belong in hats... Rivka's Rundown I think that feather in the fedora message brought the whole sermon together. The whole shul started calling each other Achi. It felt like I was around a bunch of Arsim. Our congregants are very tense. You can see they don't have Shalom. They don't even say it to each other. Just a bunch of tense angry people who grunt and think somebody else is going to take their armrest. When you don't have an armrest that you know is yours, you're not happy for other people and what they have. Especially when that's your armrest. I'm not going to lie. When Gideon gets up there and goes off for ten minutes with family names after his Aliyah, I'm cursing him out. I wouldn't mind if there were less births in that Mishpuchi. Maybe I mean less family members he cares about. If he chose the family people he loved and just said their names, I would be fine. I can't imagine he loves them all. Especially his oldest daughter. The Achi thing stopped after Kiddish, when people realized they had expenses to pay on their homes. It was a quick lived communal expression of peace. In my shul nobody calls anybody Achi or Achot Sheli. They just curse each other under their breath. The problem is way too much hat jealousy in our shul. Many people had a problem with the rabbi calling people Achi. They had a private meeting with the rabbi. It was an intervention. They had to remind him that he was the rabbi. They also said he couldn't go by Tzachi. When he asked if he could go by Chuck, the intervention team said no. The rabbi insisted that Chuck is an Achi kind of name. It didn't work. The congregants insisted their rabbi be somebody who is not personable. Somebody they could look at and say, "He is not my friend." They also told the rabbi that he shouldn't support people's gambling addiction, even if it makes the shul money. Thanks to the rabbi, the day school folded. It turns out the rabbi is a bitter baseball card collector. He was mad the Gabai stopped giving him cards. People argued that if the casino is in the shul, it should be fine to take people’s money with slot machines. To which the board felt like they were onto something and decided to open a non-for-profit casino. The idea had every happy, knowing that the electric bill would finally be paid. And they all agreed that gambling is wrong, and for that reason, betting that Harry would pay his dues was Asur. Huge arguments were had, until it was decided that slot machines do belong in shul, as people pray at them. In the end, the rabbi agreed that we can restart the shul bingo night. Thank Gd for heat and Bingo. The rabbi turned Bingo into the most religious experience anybody in our shul has ever had. And now we know how to get all Jews to love Gd. Adults is Bingo. Kids is Barbie and cards. And the women's section is to throw out Melanie and Fran's hats. The rabbi's new Kiruv through Cards program is revolutionary. Many shuls are now opting for this over NCSY. All the kids are into collectibles. To quote the rabbi: "Making Frum kids is more important than charity." And for this reason, all money that was given to the shul for the Toys for Tots drive was used to purchase cards for the children of our shul. Who are now much happier than the poor kids. Our congregants are also into collecting Barbies. Records. Matchbox cars. How you light a cigarette with those cars, I still can’t figure out. The shul has planned collectibles show for Gd. Between us, I don't know if it's collectibles or the fact that nobody in our shul likes to throw stuff out. The kids at our shul are now a bunch of hoarders. So, Bingo is Mutar. The only Jewish tradition our community keeps. Shabbat. Not so much. But the casino night and Bingo. The Psak of the rabbi is that it is all fine if the money is going to the shul. They also had a shul person auction. Mutar to auction off people for the shul. Being casino night was banned by the local casino, with concern that money coming out of slot machines would be used for something positive, we are back to simple Bingo night. And to this day, all religious communities agree that Bingo is for religious people. "People of Gd play Bingo." Plans were in for Bingo night. After hearing they had to volunteer, the congregants voted to ban bingo night. It’s on the schedule, so now the crowd comes, runs it themselves. Basically, the congregants come and play the game. Best social event the shul has ever had. It turns out that since the congregants started playing the Bingo, they've been calling more Bingo wins than ever before. The congregants come to shul, smoke and take the shul’s money. And they still don't pay dues. I have suggested that having Bingo in the shul may not be the greatest idea. My membership was revoked. The Bingo Committee said that all members of the shul should be fine with indoor cigarettes and to not be party poopers. One time, they called for Mincha Minyin during the full card play. Everybody booed the Gabai and said he was a bad Jew. I am happy to see that our shul is connecting to one great Jewish tradition. Bingo in the Gaonic Period was a meaningful class. It was so inspirational to hear how Rav Sadia Gaon shouted "Bingo," which inspired a whole town to return in Teshuva. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: VaYeitzei11/30/2025
Announcements
We had a Minyin for Shacharit on Tuesday this week. The rabbi wants to thank H’ for the miracle. Even with our congregants, we had a Minyin. People showed up to shul. We want to thank Baruch for not letting us know he was alone for Thanksgiving. Everybody would’ve felt bad. We would rather you be pathetic and lonely, and not have to know about it. Nobody needs a damper on their Simcha. The congregation wants you to know that we all hope you enjoyed the pumpkin pie they were selling for lonely people at Walmart. The rabbi’s Psak is that people aren’t allowed to post their workouts anymore. Nobody needs to know how out of shape our membership is. And no advertising marathons for donations. Though, we understand people need to run after Thanksgiving. Contemporary Halacha Classes: What a Shul Looks Like with A Minyin- A Field Trip to Another Shul. What Holiday Meals Look Like When Cooking for Yourself- With Baruch and Nobody Else (follow-up class with Baruch will be How to Deal with Depression and Loneliness with Congregants That Don't Care). How to Get More Out of Shape by Working Out- An Exercise Class Given by Our Congregants. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yaakov asks for freedom. He wants out with his wives and kids. Kind of like the way I want out of dealing with this board... I understand that the Mr. Markowitz celebrates being single as freedom. But I can't support running away from your family... Yaakov wants freedom for his family. Now, I think we're all on the same page. He's not free, but his family is. Is that OK, Bernie? Can I go on?... I'm sorry I misspoke. I understand marriage is very painful. (Bereishit 30:27) Lavan says to Yaakov, “If I have found favor in your eyes, I have learned from divination that H’ has blessed me due to you.” Is he curing him? Then why the “you” at the end? It sounds like a curse... Even if it's a blessing, it's a curse. Then the "favor in your eyes" line. Trying to work Yaakov to get something. We all use it. Buttering him up. My kids use that all the time when they want ice cream... They're biblical children... He needed divination. Lavan needs divine inspiration to realize he is blessed on account of Yaakov. It’s apparent. But he needs divine help to see it. You need divine inspiration to realize what I have done for you guys... Because you don’t appreciate. Let me enlighten. Why have we cancelled the shul softball team? Which is an embarrassment, with the out of shape congregants... Why has this shul lost members? Why are there fewer annoying people telling jokes at Kiddish? Because of your rabbi. Can I get away for winter vacation?! That’s all I want. Florida... If you appreciated me, you would let me go... We can appreciate the Duadim. But can we appreciate what others do for us. Everybody loves Dudaim. Who doesn’t. I want one of those every day. It doesn’t take divination to realize some stuff is messed up. To realize there is some stuff here that Dudaim cannot help. Some stuff that is not appreciated, and for good reason... We have a Chazin... And you need the divine inspiration to appreciate. To appreciate H's blessings... There was no Minyin. We were about to do the Amidah. Then, they showed, before we started the Amidah. A miracle. Was it Gd stepping in, or Pinchas twenty minutes late?... I consider every time we get a Minyin to be a miracle here. But this was a Nes Nistar. A hidden miracle. Kind of like when I don’t see congregants for a few months. Do we appreciate the miracles?! On Chanukah there are miracles we can see. What I do for the shul, you can see... And it's due to you and your selfish unYaakov like focus that Baruch had nowhere to go on Thanksgiving... No divine inspiration in your kindness. No holiday miracle... So, nobody invited Baruch. You feel better feeling bad and enjoying not having to see him. The idea is to not have to think about others at their Simchas and holidays?! I get it. This is why most of you don't do Pesach Seders, or put out a decent Kiddish for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Worst Kugel ever, Brian!!! You should be ashamed. Shame!!! Not even Dudaim. The Dudaim were about care... Well dude. Bracha comes when you concern yourself with others. Just as Yaakov concerned himself with doing proper work... I'm not saying Bracha Rabinowitz. Blessing. Something good... Baruch. You didn't miss out on anything. Just some turkey that was made in an oven. And other food that was not served in plastic containers... Giving to your exercise is not what I'm talking about. How about if people donate to the shul, then they can donate to your marathon... What is the cause anyways? We know you're out of shape. We saw the pictures... I understand it costs money to run a marathon. Do people not pay for anything anymore?! I know they don't pay their dues or sponsor a decent Kiddish. One with a potato Kugel that has some oil in it... Your daughter's potato Kugel was a shanda... Why is everybody posting their workout? Every out of shape person. Every congregant... I get the in-shape people on TikTok... Then post your workout in your sweater. I'm watching people working out showing how they let themselves go... I don't appreciate your workouts. You lifting weights is not something anybody needs to see. I don't have to see how out of shape my congregants are. I see how they eat at Kiddish. Svetlana will not get a Shidduch like this... I am not out of shape shaming. I am posting your workouts shaming... Dudaim cannot help your workouts on social media. I didn't need divine inspiration to know that. This is the reason for Tznyut. Because of your out of shape selves. It’s like you’re always posting before pictures... And then marathons now. We have to sponsor Rachel?!... We should have an out of shape marathon team that hasn't trained. Svetlana and Michael can lead the team. They can post it on the shul's Facebook group. And people will donate money after seeing how much help our community needs to get in better shape... Yaakov was in good shape. And his Bracha was that he didn't have to see your posts... It's about giving, and you all seem to only give when H' steps in. You are not Tzadikim like Yaakov. Like Lavan... Do we need Dudaim when we have love?! When we have a nice vacation. A good getaway. Dudaim are great. When your congregation lets you go to Florida for the winter... Some Dudaim would really hit the spot right now. It's not Dudaim. It's about seeing the Bracha. Sometimes H' needs to step in. Like Rachel, the Dudadim may help you feel better. But it is only Gd that grants the blessing of seeing the Bracha. May we be blessed to not need Dudaim for blessing. Just less members. Less pictures of out of shape congregants working out. Less single people, as they are a downer... It's a Psak. May you find favor in our eyes, with modest clothes. Because you are very out of shape. Yaakov wants to go to Israel. When you appreciate people, you let them go. Which is why I am going to Florida for a couple months... Still keeping the job. Paid. Rivka's Rundown And still, nobody knows what Dudaim are. Again, the rabbi uses the sermon to get more days off. He turned the Yaakov blessings into him deserving an all-expense paid trip to Florida. Nothing about Israel. This isn't Yaakov leaving for reasons such as family. This is for a perk. The rabbi used the Jewish people's call of "let my people go" for his vacation down to Florida. The rabbi is correct. Any "you" at the end of a sentence sounds like a curse. Very offensive. I'm going to stop saying "bless you." It sounds nasty. From now on it's, "You should be blessed." Us getting a Minyin. That was inspirational. It was like a rebbe story. One of miracles. No Minyin and then a Minyin. People in our shul now believe in H’. If Shloimi can wake up for Minyin, anything is possible. The upshot is it's selfish of Baruch to be alone. Nobody needs to know you ate alone. That ruins other people enjoying themselves. Keep that to yourself too. Our congregants are so selfish. They actually asked if Baruch had dinner, just to find out how pathetic he really is. Not to invite him. He should've lied and said he ate with people. Him eating alone made me feel bad. I'm sorry. It's sad when you have to buy a pumpkin pie at Walmart to celebrate the holiday. And then you have to budget and buy the small, personal size one. Such a Rachmanis. Wow. I'm happy I was able to say he's a Rachmanis. Feels like I did my part. Just saying he's pathetic makes me feel better. The congregants truly do not want to help. Ever. Never visit the older members of the shul. I had never seen the rabbi so animatedly angry as with Brian and that potato Kugel. Not even the bad egg salad got him that mad. And a good egg salad with potato Kugel is a Mechaya. I once had cheese with potato Kugel. Melted right on it. That was Olam Haba. Sometimes you have to share inspirational stories. There was no Minyin that day. But it was a good potato Kugel. Maybe I should share that story with Baruch. Might inspire him knowing I enjoyed myself. The rabbi made it clear. Not one in shape congregant. I believe that was the message. That was the best argument for Tzniyut ever given. They workout once and all the sudden it’s their profile picture. It's getting annoying. They have to stop putting up pictures. The most positive thing is where they put up a family picture and I want to smack them for being happy. It really is getting annoying. And then Rachel did a marathon and we have to sponsor it. Had to advertise her marathon. If Rachel would work a little more, and stop running, she would be able to afford paying for her marathon. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album LII11/29/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about injured people parking, announcements for people to come to shul, and Mountain Dew being founded with the establishment of the modern state of Israel, as if they did something wrong, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing a picture of his kitchen and how he doesn’t clean up the bags.
That’s how people park at our shul. Why not? Lines. Who needs lines? I always ask why the lines are there. Never seen somebody park between them. Over them. Yes... You have to be protective of the disables spot. You leave an opening at the disabled spot, somebody else might think to use it. Set a precedent… You can see the sign for rabbi’s spot as well. One of the rabbis actually had an injury. So, technically, they had rights to both spots. Justified in not giving that spot to one of the wheelchair bound older people who usually hog those spots.
Our shul bulletin. “Biur Tefillah.” Now we are burning prayers. This is what our shul does for classes. That’s why I don’t go for Davening. I’m not a heretic… And that’s why transliteration is not the best way to get across your message.
Established in 1948… And that is why we are protesting Mountain Dew.
My kitchen. I keep them. Never use them. But I keep them. Must have at least three hundred paper bags. One for each time I’ve gone shopping without a plastic bag. And that’s how I help the world, saving the environment. Tikun Olam.
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Chayei Sarah11/16/2025
Announcements
We’re having a blood drive. We don’t know where the blood drive will be. Due to the Red Cross' stance on Israel, members are worried the blood will be earmarked to terrorists. The board discussed it, and they’re trying to figure out if lives should be saved. The board definitely does not help the shul. There is a Kiddish thief going around after Kiddish, or a fool who is throwing out the pastries. Are they being stolen and taken home by somebody who is enjoying local baked goods from Latkas, at five times the price of Stella D’oros. Please call the office with any leads. Please make your decision as to whether you want a Mishebeyrach blessing for your relatives before your Aliyah. If the Gabai starts the blessing, we will consider it a business transaction and charge you. Even if you back out. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Feel Good About Not Saving Lives - A Congregation of People Who Has Anti-Blood Drives. How One Can Steal Food That Has Been Given to Them for Free- The Case of the Kiddish Burglar. Mekach Taot and How Our Gabai Sells Aliyahs Under False Pretenses. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Avraham tells Eliezer to find his son a wife... Not from Canaan, Bernie. Everybody knows you don't take a Canaanite wife. There's something off with the Canaan girls. You marry one of those, you're marrying their family. Very annoying mother-in-laws. They even have jokes about them. "Take my Canaanite mother-in-law, please"... Eliezer was sent to find a girl from Avraham's family. Avraham says she also has to move to them. And people say Chaim is picky. Eliezer goes on the mission and finds a good woman. Rivka... She happens to be the sister of Lavan. Don't blame her for her brother. It's not one of the Lefkowitz kids. Lavan sees that Eliezer has money, and like Baruch, he goes over to welcome Eliezer and offers him food... Baruch. You only talk to people who have a gold collar on their Tallis. Oh!!! That was a good one. That was a zinger... I'm just telling the story. Can I continue... (Bereishit 24:33) Eliezer insisted to not eat or drink until he spoke his word of Rivka and how he asked Gd, Who answered his prayer. He wants to know if Rivka is going to go with him to Israel... I know Israel doesn't exist yet. But it does. I have to deal with Jew haters right in the middle of my sermon. I don't even live in Israel and they are protesting me... The mission comes first to Eliezer. He doesn't want anything to get in the way. Lies happen when people try to butter things up with small talk and food. Which is why the board meetings always have refreshments... Did you ever have a business meeting with Mechanic? No food. Exactly. It's clear they're ripping you off. Let's not let food cloud our judgment. Eliezer recounts the story. Eliezer wants it to be known that Rivka is a good person... He doesn’t just look at "her figure," Chaim. You sicko. He's not shallow. Who even uses that language anymore?... Other than the Shadchans at our shul. She brings the camels water too. That's all he wanted to know. That she thought about other living beings. Didn't need somebody telling her what to do to be kind... You guys need a sermon. When speaking of the experience with Rivka at the well... Yes. That's how you fall in love Chaim. At wells. Eliezer says, (Bereishit 24:46) vAysht "And I drank." The same word for drinking here is the word for a wife. The one who cares. A true Eisheit Chayil worries about people's wellbeing. Their life. Water. They think about others. They ask why the Chazin takes so long. Why does shul have to be so painful?!... Hearing this, Lavan gives in. He understands it’s the word of Gd... Hearing about Rivka and how she acted. Not about our Chazin and messed up Gabai who still can't figure out how to call up the right person... It's a Simcha, Shmuel. You call up a family member... A family member of the people celebrating. It's not hard. The fact I have to tell you is because you're not a Rivka... Lavan then says, (Bereishit 24:50) “We can say to you neither bad or good.” He knew at that moment Rivka must go. When it’s Midot, it’s Gd’s word. When it's Mitzvot, it's Gd's word. When it’s Gd's word, it’s not good or bad. It’s right. You do it. What is bad is our membership. Which is why I don't listen to the board or take requests... The back left of the shul. All the sinners want Kiddish right now. Our first responsibility is making sure we take care of what Gd wants. After that we can eat... We are not going to Kiddish until this sermon is over. Don’t let money and food get in the way of what is right... And I know our congregants are very good at not giving donations. Let's not butter things up. Let's just get into it. For Gd. What is Gd's mission? And if it is from Gd, it is, let's do it... Not knowing where the blood drive will be is not a safety concern. The Red Cross are a bunch of terrorists. We don’t support terrorism. Therefore, we don’t give blood... We give blood to the Red Cross, next thing you now, they’re hiding Jewish bodies with it... They will use it to shoot bombs into Israel. Very good point, Hadasa. Finally, somebody in this congregation says something that makes sense. They will be shooting blood over from Gaza and Yehuda Shomron... Blood bombs. The bloodiest type of bombs. The Red Cross offers us gifts. Before we get the gifts, we have to understand if it’s proper to give blood. We all love the towel with the red cross. Love it. Excellent thread count. Get the bag. Maybe you get that Amazon $10 gift certificate. Makes you feel good. Ten dollars off on fabric softener. And then they try to kill you... Saving lives is important. Giving blood is very important. Sometimes. I am not sure... Well I don't know where else to give. I understand these questions aren't comfortable. Which is why we deal with them like Eliezer, before we eat with the Reshaim... Kiddish is important. And the sisterhood feeds you without you asking. The only righteous people in the shul... Because they force-feed you. That's what Rivka would've done. But what is the mission? With our membership, where is the holiness? And where is the food. Last week there was no leftovers. But there was leftovers. What has happened to the Kiddish food from the Bat Mitzvah? Are people throwing it out, or taking it?! Does our shul have a bunch of Kiddish thieves?... Let us deal with it before we eat. You don't eat with sinners. You first work through the issues. In other words, our membership... Who throws out the pastries from Kiddish?! Who is taking all of the food?! Which one is it?! Latkas Bakery is expensive. We know it. One cookie is a full Stella D’oro sleeve. And they deserve that at Shalishudis... Yes. That was the discussion at the third Shabbat meal, at shul. They couldn't figure it out. Yet, I know that nobody would do Bal Tashchis to Latkas baked goods. They're too expensive to throw out... We will get to Kiddish. But you can’t eat if people are stealing and not following Gd’s word. Let’s first find the Danish cookie thieves. Taking black and white cookies. The real question is who would buy from Latkas when you can take it from the shul... The board can help. If they stay away from the shul, they will be very helpful... We need commitment from people. You decide what is right and do it... Because H' said so. That means that if you decide a Bracha is correct, you go with it. Even Lavan would do that... MidBracha you backed out. You basically said, “I don’t care about my family that much. For anything more than a dollar their memory should be for a curse”... I understand you weren’t in the will. But it’s a matter of our responsibilities. Know what you are getting into. Then you do it. And then you feel decent about yourself and eat... You're not hungry, because you're a sinner, and you are not following in Gd's ways. Eliezer took responsibility first. Wasn’t going to eat until he knew if Rivka would be a wife to Yitzchak. In life. We have to take responsibility. That means not throwing out Kiddish pastry... Because it’s good. And giving blood is important. And there is a responsibility to not give to the Red Cross. And if we don’t first take responsibility, we can’t eat... But he drank right away with Rivka. When she offered him the drink, he took it right away. Because she was a Tzadeiket. When it comes to Tzadikim, you don't have to wait for a conversation to drink. You can drink right away... For health reasons, drinking right away is also important. Why Eliezer was traveling without a canteen is an excellent question. A water bottle would've been called for. When you're with a Tzadik the mission is complete. You know Gd is already there. You can eat and drink with them. It's already holy. With a Rasha, like one of our congregants, you have to first talk Torah. You're not sure Torah and Gd will make its way in, unless you do that first. Which is why I have to give the Drasha before Kiddish every Shabbat. And this is why I don't eat at your Simchas... And I don't trust the Hashgacha. With Reshaim you need Tanaim. You need stipulations. Like Gd. Which is why we have Mishebeyrach agreements. Which is why we have to put together blood drives... Because you people wouldn't donate a thing without it. A Tzadik truly cares. They make sure you drink. And they want nothing in return. You already know you're with the right person. There is no need to know anything else. You marry that, Chaim. You have a relationship with that... Whatever you do, make sure Gd is there. And I don't think Gd is stealing Kiddishes. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi went off on Canaanites. Many of the more liberal congregants were very mad. They found it offensive on behalf of their Canaanite friends. To be clear, the rabbi was talking about Rivka Imanu. Though, he knows I'm a Tzadeket, as I do help out the sisterhood. And I do force Kugel on people. I am in their face if they finished their Lukshen Kugel, scooping it onto their plate. After the sermon, the board reminded the rabbi that they can fire him. So, he agreed to give classes and talk to the membership again. His contract said that even if it's not Gd's word, he still has to listen to the members complain about how they messed up. "Because H' said so." You can't argue with that. I think the rabbi just doesn’t like giving blood. That was the reason for the Drasha. It makes him woozy. We are the only congregation that put together a program to not give blood. We held a blood drive pass-by. A blood donation protest. And yet we are a pro-life congregation. So, now we don’t help save lives, because of terrorist blood banks. The Red Cross supports the West Bank and Terrorist Blood Banks. In the middle of the week the congregation changed its mind and decided that giving blood was important again. Nobody said "important again," as they would've been branded as Trump supporters. Even though they support Trump, they said that being called a Trump supporter is a curse. The rabbi didn’t know about the hospitals. There was a lot of discussion in our shul, as people don’t want to learn Torah. They feel the Mitzvah they can do is giving blood. So, we had our drive at the hospital. We filled up the emergency waiting room. Just to get a person into the drive took two hours of waiting. We are going to try to get an ICU waiting room next time. The emergency room moves real slow. One guy had blood flying out of his arm. They had him waiting three hours in the ER. They should’ve used his blood for donations. Somebody should be in the emergency room taking blood to give to people. The ER is for very slow emergencies. Like for slow emergency death. They're very helpful when you have a good half a day to wait for your emergency. They have the waiting part down. The rabbi acquiesced that giving blood is a big Mitzvah if they’re not using it to kill Jews. We have to give blood. Saving lives is a Mitzvah. A huge one. Somebody took the Kiddish leftovers. Everybody knows, Kiddish leftovers are from Shalishudis. One idiot asked, "Aren't you supposed to throw out stuff that was taken out of the kitchen?" This isn't a restaurant. This is shul nobody cares about health. We also donate that stuff. Out of the kitchen ten times, that's when the food kitchen gets it. Nothing to eat at Shalishudis is a crisis. The Kiddish cookie fiasco was messed up. They had some food at Shalishudis, but no cookies, and no egg salad. By the way, the egg salad is still disgusting. The sisterhood still can't figure out how to sprinkle salt. For some reason, even with the extra salt I pour on, it tastes disgusting. The egg salad is a curse, and I think it's because we have a lot of sinners at shul. Some people think you don't need that much for Shalishudis in the winter. With short Shabbat, they finish lunch at 3:30pm, and they are hungry at 4:40pm. It's over an hour. They need the food. The case of the Kiddish Pastry Thief is a real thing. The office got a lead on Ephraim who put on eight pounds. They're checking into it, and forced him to come for a daily weigh in before Shacharit. To make it clear, this was not a boxing match, he kept on his clothes. He went up for family Mishebeyrach for a dead relative. Might have been the Kel Maleh. The rabbi put in “in order that he will give Tzedakah.” Right there, he took back the blessing. Got mad at the rabbi, and yelled, “You threw that on me. That was a Bracha and switch." I am no giving blood to the Red Cross. I know they're earmarking it for terror. Terrorist blood. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album LI11/6/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about being asked to help out at shul, and people showing solidarity to Israel, while slaughtering a bagel, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his cynical thoughts on religious Jews taking the Mitzvah of Lulav and Etrog seriously.
The Yom Kippur appeal. This is what my shul gives me. A pledge to volunteer. We just did Kol Nidrei. I annulled all future vows. And the first thing they do is ask me to lie… I will not help. There is no chance I will help. I believe the community already knows that. They also know they’re not getting any money from me. I take back Mishebeyrachs when they say, “They shall all be healthy, in order that David gives Tzedakah.” If any appeal tab ever gets flipped, you know somebody stole my card… If you’re asking. There is nothing about older people or visiting the sick. We don’t care about them. No shul ever says “we need to draw more elderly.”
The Annual Etrog Check Competition in Meah Shearim. A matter of who can check for Etrog Bletlach faster. You find the nick, you’re winning. The guy on the left lost. Asides for point deductions for not wearing a hat, his eye distance to Etrog is a Shonda... With that kind of intensity, I don’t believe any of them had time to build a Sukkah. Other competitions include the Etrog Grab for biggest Etrog. And the Etrog Pay, where you feel good overpaying for your Etrog, while explaining its Kedusha and why that guy who sold it to you is smiling while taking all of your money.
Solidarity. The support people show the Holy Land. And they know they’re doing their part.
I felt bad executing the bagel. But I did what I had to. There was lox.
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Lech Lecha11/2/2025
Announcements
We have decided to change the Congregants on Patrol Security Force (CPSF) to a greeting committee. It has come to our attention that people are not scared of Eileen and Ethel. There are a lot of depressed people at shul. We figure, with the help of CPSF task force and less Davening, people will be happier. To help with this goal of happier people, we’re hoping Ira doesn’t show to shul anymore. The Kiddish cookies and egg salad are disgusting. Just want to let everybody know, your complaints have been heard, and Tova Bracha is not coming to shul anymore. We want to thank Joe for showing up to daily Minyin. We hope your presence has helped you get more plumbing work. Joe is a great plumber and he paid his membership dues. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Sakant Nifashot and The Importance In Being In Good Enough Shape to Walk to Work Security- Why Ethel May Not Scare an Intruder. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha- The Great Mitzvah to Be Happy And Why It's Important For the Rabbi to Not Have to See the Membership. How to Chase Members Away- The Result of Honest Feedback. How to Get Business By Showing Up to Shul- Our Funeral Director Who Belongs to Every Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Lech Lecha... No Martin. Leave for me. Leave shul for me... Avraham hears about Lot being taken captive and he goes in. Right away. He goes. He doesn’t think about. He doesn’t have a committee meeting... Because then Lot would’ve died. If the committee met about it, he would've died. (Bereishit 20:14) “And Avraham heard that his kinsman was taken captive, and he armed his disciples..." You guys could care less. When Mark was stuck in the bathroom, you all went home. Abandoned him. When Eugene was in the hospital, what did you do? Nothing... Who here thought to arm themselves and rescue him??? Health concerns is not the point here, Bernie. The point is he was in a bed with no Kosher food... He passed away from a, Bernie. And he was a hundred and three... You don't even think. You guys discuss stuff. But when do you take action?! Three hundred and eighteen “disciples who had been born his house.” He took them to battle. They didn’t complain. They weren’t congregants. They were disciples... I want disciples. People that are enjoyable to be around. When it comes to family you run. You do it. You don’t question if we have enough. It's our duty. It's our duty to help... Doing your kid's homework is your duty. That's how they get good grades... And the kids complain when you ask them to take out the trash. Only three hundred and eighteen... I didn’t say it was a Yeshiva. If he was a Yeshiva he would’ve made other people go to battle for him. Three hundred and eighteen. That's it. It’s not the numbers. It’s the quality. It’s the heart. Yes. We’ve lost a lot of our membership, because people don’t want to be around you, but where is the heart?! Heart comes from Avraham, their leader as well. (Bereishit 20:16) “And he returned all the possessions.” All the spoils. He didn't want anything for himself. He was on a mission... What have I gotten from this congregation? Tzaris. It was pure. It was of heart... Because they were disciples, they followed their leader. If they were congregants, they would've fired Avraham. Sometimes you just have to do. And to be inspired to help, you need heart. A pure heart. A heart that says, "I just want to do a Mitzvah"... In your case, Sheloh Lishma Bah Lishma. Just do it because you don't want to, and you might end up being a good person in the end... Our security team thinks a lot. They see somebody coming to shul. They ask questions. You're not helping the situation. You're making people late for Davening... Sometimes you have to act. When it’s serious, like Malkie pulling Freida’s hair, you jump in and act. And you give back the hair that was Freida’s... You don’t take it as spoils. You need ability too... That's just a side point. Our security team has a lot of heart. No idea what they’re doing, But a lot of heart... You need to be able to move to do security... Ethel. If people can run away, what is the help?!... Your hand shakes when you hold a gun. What is Eileen going to do in security??? Ask people about their kids? "Where are you from? Who are you visiting? What do you do for a living? Do you need a Shidduch?"... Are you trying to protect the single people from Chaim hitting on them?!... As greeters, it all makes sense. You should be a Greeter Task Force. The questions are nice questions. It makes the person feel cared for... Without Eileen, I would've said we're an unfriendly shul... From now on, our Congregants on Patrol Security Force will be there to make people feel welcome... Because the rest of you are depressed and not friendly. You're the least friendly people. Even our security person is nicer to talk to... People feel more welcome in our shul when they're being accused of being terrorists... You all are depressed. No smiles. CPSF will enforce smiling... Heart. Doing for others. Smiling for others. Thinking of others. They’ll also make sure Ira doesn’t talk to you... Talking is important, but not during Davening, Fran... And not during my speech Bernie. Talking should be done at Kiddish. Where people can't get a decent egg salad anymore. Here is the security idea. Keep out depressed people. Keep out congregants... It takes heart to smile. To fight the war against our unfriendly congregants... Eileen is fighting for friendliness. That's a worthwhile fight. We have to join her to help get rid of the shul's president... Davening is not the problem. You can be happy Davening. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha. It's a great Mitzvah to be happy... I understand it's hard when you have a Chazan leading Davening with too much Kavanah... Your connection to Gd through prayer takes too long for us. The tunes are bad enough. Now, you're concentrating on the words!... Just show up late, Ira. How about that. Just show for Kiddish. Everybody will be happier... And he's still talking. Talking in shul is not right, Ira... You all come to me with questions... And yes, I do answer them right away. Have I ever done research to help you get an answer? No. Because I want you to have an answer right away. And when Ira asked me if he should come to shul, I said "no." Right away. When the board asked if they should make a decision, I said "no." Right away... It doesn't make a difference. Any decision they make is bad... You come to me with questions, I answer them. You want to know, who's a good plumber. Use Joe. He shows up to Minyin. Joe is a good guy. SheLoh Lishma Ba Lishma... Don't judge. You’re not even doing Mitzvot for your own benefit... I get it. You come to Minyin to get a job... Don’t complain to me about Kiddish. I agree. I’m just happy less people want to stay after shul. The eggs and Danish are disgusting... Tova Bracha's eggs are disgusting. If she can't stand hearing it, that's on her. And Avraham wanted nothing for himself. He was a giver. He wanted people to be happy. That's what givers do. They jump up to help people. They take pride in their egg salad. They put a little garlic and mayonnaise in it... And we need to help people with decent Kiddishes and smiles. We need more giving to make people feel good. We need Eileen asking questions about their felonious past as single people. Avraham even gave Malchitzedek Mayser. He tithed his own stuff to Malchitzedek (Bereishit 14:20-24)... Pay your dues. For crying out sake... Jump in. Get that heart moving. Maybe even get some exercise. And when you are there. When you are battling, make sure it’s pure. Make sure you’re doing it for the right intentions. Make sure you're thinking of others when you're putting together the salads for Kiddish. And make sure they're not bland... As a giver, as somebody who does Mitzvahs, Avraham doesn’t deny others a decent Kiddish. When it's from the heart, you do. You do it for others. You sacrifice for your family. And you live a life of duty. You put your life on the line. You put together a good Kiddish spread... Our security team will not defend anybody at war. They will stay home and relax. For everybody's safety... Avraham was magnanimous in his act of going to battle. Just like a good Kiddish spread. Just like Eileen asking if you're a felon... Eileen and Ethel taking military action is not a good idea. CPSF has got to calm down. For everybody's safety... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi answers questions from the congregants right away. Like Avraham, running to save Lot. He does no research. He just answers them. No thought. Like Avraham, he's trying to get rid of the Reshaim, the evil people. The congregants. The rabbi wants disciples. Not congregants. He was talking about opening a Chabad for people who are against Chabad. He likes the idea of people following him, and not asking why he gets to show up late for Davening. How Kiddish is on par with Avraham going to battle to save Lot?! I am trying to understand that part of the sermon. Nonetheless, the message was very meaningful. In the end, the rabbi put the security team on Mitzvah patrol. He realizes Eileen and Ethel are talented at what they do. Now, if you don’t keep Mitzvahs or if you show up to shul late, they will nag you. They've decided to stick with the acronym, as it brings more of a philanthropic tone to what they are doing. CPSF sounds like they’re raising money for kids starving in Africa. I'm not going to lie. Eileen and Ethel as security officers scared me. And it was a committee decision. That's what happens when committees are put in charge of decisions. The ones running it end up making decisions. And those decisions are that they can do stuff. For some reason, they can do stuff nobody would ever hire them for. The rabbi stepped in with a Psak, and not having Ethel guard the shul was the correct Halachik thing to do. I’m happy about the new idea of having people around who can take security measures when they’re needed. Our congregational team of security people with yelling abilities didn't have me feeling safe. "PLEASE DO NOT ATTACK!!!" That was what we learned in the security course. I must say, CPSF did have one tricky move. Last week they got friendly with somebody who was trying out the shul. They followed that lady around all day, to make sure she wouldn't steal a Siddur. I've never seen such friendly people before. I guess they figured that they've chased away a lot of people with conversations during Kiddish. If a terrorist had to deal with the nagging, they would surrender of themselves. Possibly kill themselves, just to get out of the conversation about every single grandchild of Bernice. You use your strengths. At Kiddish security sat at table with our visitor, who made it clear she was from the other synagogue. Once we found out she was from another synagogue, questions of treason and imposter came up. They asked, "Why would anybody try out our synagogue?" Exactly. An excellent question, which I cannot answer. Once they found out the visitor was from another shul, they went back to being not friendly and ignoring her. Treating her like everybody else. The lady from the other shul pulled out her phone. CPSF got on that heinous act. Walkie talkies were going off, "She's got a phone." Now they’re helping with depression. And now I have to talk to Eileen every time I go to shul. Eileen has never said Hi to me once in her life, until she became the security person. Now she knows about my grandkids. Ira is a good guy. But I understand that people don't like to see him. It's weird. If you're part of the shul in-crowd and you're annoying, you're loved. If you're Ira and you show up to shul, and you ask if a seat is open, they hate you and want you ousted from the congregation. Ira has never been invited to anything. I'm beginning to think I'm in a community full of jerks. Jerks who are nice when they think you're going to attack them. For happiness reasons, the rabbi actually told people not to come to shul. He felt it would be a happier shul if people just didn’t show. It would be less depressing. To quote, "If the members of this place didn't show, I would find joy in that." “Cookies and egg salad at Kiddish are not good.” The sisterhood got the message, and Tova Bracha quit the sisterhood. B"H. The cookies at Kiddish are now good. And Latkas Bakery got the message too. They’re now charging the shul twice as much. Complaint from complainer was heard. B”H. I'm happy. And if Tova Bracha never does Kiddish again, I will be happier. Lesson: Complain about something and you will lose a congregant. The rabbi never used Joe, but he knows he’s an excellent plumber because he shows up to Minyin. Turns our Joe paid his dues on condition he gets the announcement about paying the dues. He only started wearing a Kippah two months ago, so that the membership would think he's honest. He saw our Bahai garage guy wearing a Kippah. That mechanic’s business shot up. Every Christian started using him. "We hate Jews, but we can trust them." A Kippah and shul membership gains trust. I’m going to tell my tailor to start wearing one. I’m starting to think she’s not cutting my clothes right. Our funeral director does belong to every shul. I'm amazed at how many people come to shul just to get work. And the rabbi supports it. It's the one thing the rabbi supports. He wants a Minyin no matter what. He even gave a speech about how back in the times of the Gemara the water drawers had their own Minyin. So, Minyin is really about business. Which is why people give very little Tzedakah at Minyin. In our shul, the most they give to charity is a dollar. You give more than that, you might walk out of Minyin without a job and down two dollars. Sometimes they give a ten, just because they need the change. They also took the water drawing lesson quite seriously and started doing the Netilat Yadaim, ritual washing, Halachikly correctly, using the full pitcher cups. Joe comes for plumbing jobs. Shirel comes to give haircuts. Thank Gd the rabbi hasn't allowed for haircuts in the sanctuary. I show up to shul to see my doctor. When I get seen at shul there's no copay. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask that congregants stop detailing their sins to the other members when asking for forgiveness. There have been way too many physical altercations since our community learned the idea of asking for forgiveness for specific sins you have done to others. Please stay away from exactly what you said that set off the divorce. They say you shouldn’t sleep first day of Rosh Hashana or during the rabbi’s sermon. Please stay awake during the sermon. The sleep apnea in this shul is very disturbing. We thank security for keeping everybody out of Shul this Rosh Hashana. They did a great job of not recognizing people they know. We also ask you allow members into the shul for Yom Kippur. We hope people show up for Yom Kippur. We don't want to have to refund seats. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Understanding Your Annoying Self. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Stay Away From the Annoying Members of Our Shul. When Falling Asleep Disturbs Everybody in Shul- Hy and How Loud He Snores. How to Keep A Safer Space- A Shul That Keeps Out Its Members Stays Together. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... This is the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. Why do I have to hand out sources?! You guys need to see fifty sources and you're satisfied. You need it printed... The effort is there. I don’t need to write a whole Torah and hand it out. Moshe wrote it and handed it to the Kohanim (Devarim 31:9)... Because the Kohanim don’t lose everything. You still haven’t returned my rake... I let you borrow it last fall. I need it now. But you lost it... Point is Moshe didn't have to hand out sources. He gave us the Torah. The Torah is not a syllabus. (Devarim 31:11) Moshe tells the elders and Leviim, “You shall read this Torah before Israel, in their ears...” "This Torah" is the Torah. There wasn’t another Torah, Simcha. Ever since you got involved in security you started questioning everything, even people you know. You don't have to question Torah now... They don't come to shul because you don’t let them in. You stopped letting them in... You have to read it in your ears because you people don’t listen... Now do you understand. Now that I said the Dvar Torah in your ears... Phil. You can't hear anything. Everything has to be said right in your ears. If it was for Phil, Moshe would've said to scream it in their ears... At the end of Sukkot at the end of seven years. Hakhel... When you read it all the time you end up with Baal Korehs like we have at our shul. If you guys read faster, like Menachem, maybe we would read the whole thing every week... (Devarim 31:12) Hakhel. "Gather the nation. The men, the women, and small children and your stranger... that they will hear...” We need everybody there to hear the Torah, because you don’t pass on anything. You don’t educate your kids. At least once every seven years they hear they have to shut up during Davening and clean their room... Hakhel. Not heckle. Which is all you do Bernie. You heckle the rabbi. Hakhel is listening to me... We read and we learn the Torah. The Kohanim, the tribe of Levi, guard it for us. But we have to know it. We have to hear it. You have to listen. Everybody. Even the kids. Please listen already!!! Let me give a sermon!!! These are things you have to do... We don’t trust you, because you're not Kohens. But you still have to do it. Now listen. It is almost Sukkot. It’s time you finally listened to something. With your ears... The way you people listen with your... I don't even know what you're listening with. You hear nothing. LISTEN!!! Don’t detail the sins. To Gd, detail them... I don’t think Shlomo needs to hear how you told everybody how he steals everything from his job. He's been unemployed for six years, because you said he took a pen... We all know Faye is nasty and jealous. No need to let her know you said that. And we know her hat selection is quite disturbingly hideous. Just ask for forgiveness. How do we stop Lashon Hara? That is the question... I have no idea. With annoying congregants that don't listen, it's hard... Don't go into detail, Brian... Brian. You went out with his wife after they got divorced. And you were the one who... Everybody should do atonement for falling asleep during my sermons. Brilliant sermons... And you slept first day of Rosh Hashana. Didn’t even do Tashlich. At Hakhel they didn’t fall asleep. If they would've heard Hy snoring at Hakhel, an ambulance would've been on top of that. Hatzalah would've jumped up... There were a lot of hockers back then. A lot of Hatzlaha guys. But they all listened. They heard. We have to get Simcha off security.... Because he's not a Kohen and he has no Seichel. And he doesn’t listen... You kept them out and you know them... They didn’t have a ticket?! It was your daughter... It’s a uncomfortable. You eat Kiddish with them every week and now the relationship is a ticket. And why call it a ticket??? Are they going to a High Holiday concert?!... That’s why it takes so long. The Chazin thinks he’s performing. He was performing for very few people, because Simcha kept everybody out... It's pathetic. You say, "We need your ticket. We have set seating." Look. Do we need set seating? Do we need set seating when there are 250 open seats?! Why did you say seats were reserved?!... Guy got inside. Snuck in. Sees 10 people... No. I don’t think they had our congregants running security for Hakhel. Nobody would’ve gotten in if Simcha was running security... You can't hear the Chazin's Davening when you're not allowed in shul... It is loud though... At Hakhel they let the Jews in. The Kohens should’ve been trusted to watch over who gets in for Davening... Stop listening to all the stuff the people are feeding you. Listen to the Torah in your ears... It rings. I know. Especially when Chaim is the one Layning... The point is to listen. Our people are called together to listen to the Torah. Not to talk during the rabbi's sermon. He's still talking. Bernie! It's a sermon... "Hakhel." Not "heckle." You listen to the Torah... It is Shabbat Shuva. The Shabbat of repentance. Where we return to the way of Torah... You never do Teshuva, Bernie. What are you talking about?!... Still talking. Listen. If you listened, there would be Teshuva. The community would let in the members to shul... Why they pay membership to not be allowed in by members is very weird to me. But I guess that is security. We're safe, as long as Ethel isn't in shul... If we had Levites running security… Not talking allows us to be better people. Not hearing you... Everything you say is Lashon Hara. We just need to listen to the Torah. And that means letting Jews into shul... You can't hear it if you're not hear, gathered with our people in Topeka. Repent by being quiet. How you guys listen with your mouth... Rivka's Rundown The way the people usually listen is by looking at their phone. But they're not allowed to bring phones into shul on Shabbat. If securities job was to keep phones out, I would say that having Hymie and Bernie sitting outside is safe. If they're sitting outside checking phones, and the guy with the gun is checking people, our shul is in good hands. The rabbi called him up and said the Shabbat Shuva Drasha in Melvins ears. Melvin is hard of hearing. Phil is 98. These people can't hear. I don't think the Jews entering Israel with Yehoshua were that old. Then, the rabbi walked over to Bernie to finish the Drasha. He said the ending part in Bernie's ear. The rabbi put no effort into his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. If I don’t see printouts with source numbers, it's not improvised. I need sources. You hand me a source packet, I respect you. What you say means nothing to me. I just like the feeling of knowing the rabbi went on Sefaria to cut and pasted the stuff. Our congregation would be happier if we didn't talk. If we just listened. Brian truly ruined that marriage. He shouldn't have said anything. If people heard what I said about them, they would be egging my house. I ask for forgiveness. They all know I spoke Lashon Hara about them. I talk, it's Lashon Hara. I can't help it. You see people like Brian ruining that marriage, and then you see the renovations committee making quilts because they ran out of money for a curtain, you have to talk. The only positive is knowing Melvin and Phil can't hear. I don't think Fran can hear either, which is why she's on the security force. Thanks to their inability to hear, my Lashon Hara sin count is sixty percent lower than it would've been. A hard of hearing congregation is good. The rabbi tried having a class on Lashon Hara. They just spoke more. It started with, “How do I not talk about Penina? She is so annoying.” And it went from there. They talked about Penina for half an hour. The rabbi then went into the annoyingness of each individual to get out the idea of Lashon Hara should not be spoken. Then somebody told the story of the Chafetz Chaim on the train. Where he said he deserved to get hit for talking bad about himself. So the rabbi called up Penina and had somebody hit here. The idea of speaking good about people came up. But that turned out to be Avak Lashon Hara. Dust of Lashon Hara, which causes people to speak bad. Anything good said about anybody in our congregation turns bad. The kind thought of Bernie always showing to shul turned into a tirade of how the guy doesn't shut up. So, final decision is that people in our community should not talk. Which I don't like, because every time I need salt now, I have to stand up at Kiddish and walk around the table. Then I have to go to the other side of the table for the dressing. Rosh Hashana was hard. I couldn’t sleep. I tried falling asleep by counting my sins. It’s hard to fall asleep counting those. I tried going with the regular way of falling asleep by counting sheep, but then I started thinking about all of those prayers where we’re Gd’s flock. And then I thought about passing under His staff and how I'm going to hell because of my sins. And I started counting those again. A lot of sins to count. They do snore loud. For some reason, everybody can hear Melvin and Phil when they snore. Even Fran wakes up. I thought snoring was fine. I don't believe it's part of the lexicon of COVID yet. Coughing isn't fine. You cough, you're accused of trying to land others in the hospital. You cough in our shul now and they attack you. They get security on you and throw you out for intent to kill. Somebody sneezed by accident, they got carried out of the shul. I held in a sneeze out of fear of being tossed into the street for murder. The thought of somebody killing you will stop you from sneezing. It probably helps with hiccups too. Next time a hiccup is coming on, I'm going to think of the possibility that a member of my shul will see me and shoot me. I do believe that the new reaction to sleep apnea was a bit much. Renouncing people's memberships was a bit much. The office said to my friend Sheindel, "Until you have health, the community doesn't want to see you." How that works with the blessing "you should have health" that everybody says, I do not know. We stopped saying that blessing. Nobody cares about sick people anymore. They just want sick people away from them. I think they changed the blessing to "all people who are not healthy should stay away from shul." And how it all works with the idea of visiting the sick?! I do not believe it does. The new idea is to leave them alone till they die. I checked with the Gabai. It turns out the Mishebeyrach blessing for sick people is only for people outside of the shul. If somebody is sick in shul, they are not part of the blessing, and we find a way for them to die. Unless if they are wearing a mask. The Gabai said it's fine if they sneeze into the mask. The fact that they're wearing a mask they blew their nose into is pain enough. They're thus allowed to stay in shul. There was nothing about the Yizkur appeal cards to give money to the shul for family members who died. Nothing said on Yom Kippur. Nothing mentioned. No talk of monetary appeals. The shul finally gave up. They realize nobody pays them. They put out the cards and then said nothing. They just had the cards out there. By the way. That was a Chutzpah. Right after Kol Nidrei, they hand out appeal cards. Right after we annulled all our vows and oaths, we are asked to flip a tab that says I'm going to give the shul $500. And now, they want another vow that I'm not going to keep. Now with security nobody feels comfortable in the shul. Forget about the discomfort of flipping the $1,800 tab on the appeal card, getting into shul to pay it is too uncomfortable. You have Simcha on everybody's back for not being trusted as a member. And I agree with Simcha. I wouldn't trust any of the guys in our shul to do a decent job Layning the Torah. The security is truly off. With questions like "where are you from?" It's awkward. I heard six people in a row say, "Topeka." And that makes sense. Our shul is in Topeka. Interrogation is done better by EL AL. If we had a guy at the door asking people who packed their Tallis bag, that would be legit. And then after the interrogation of what address in Topeka they live at, which is the same one they've been at for fifty years, they have to show their seat number. They get inside and see 250 empty seats. 250 empty seats. Apparently, all reserved for not you. This all has you questioning if the shul wants you. And that is what makes the High Holidays meaningful. Tags:
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He's got the job next year... The arm spread is a little extra. Not necessary. It might help with the reach of his voice. Not sure.
The High Holidays are here and it's your time to shine as the Chazin. Known as the cantor, we are going to call you the Chazin. If you don't know what a Chazin is, you don't know what a cantor is.
Before we get started, don't be discouraged. You don’t need a good voice to be a Chazin. That has been proven by who my shul chooses to lead services every week. Nonetheless, a good voice can put you in the one-percenters of Chazins that people like. No matter your abilities, you want to lead Yom Kippur services and look good. Here are some techniques you must employ. The One Note Technique Get all the words into one note. When they wrote the Tefillahs, they didn't have tunes. Hence, it is your job to pick a tune that was not meant for the repetition of the Amidah. The Levites weren't singing the melodies from the early two-thousands in the Temple. The rabbis didn't have the tune of vZakayni in mind when they wrote Naartizcha 1500 years ago. You've got to get every word of Kedusha into that note. Though incompatible, it must fit in that semibreve. Not easy, but a seasoned Chazin can do it. It takes much practice to master this. It's preferable to first work on a twenty second Shofar blast. Once you have that down, you might be able to do Kedusha correctly with the note from vZakayni. The Long Note Hold Hold a note for real long. Don't stop. Do not end the word. Keep it going. If you pass out, the congregation will be on their feet, applauding. This technique should be used at the end of every prayer. Hence, adding to the length of the service itself. That will get you the money. Nobody is paying ten thousand dollars to a Chazin who's finishing the services in three hours. The Tune that Doesn't Fit I reiterate. Very important to never give up on a tune. Especially when the tune doesn't work with the words. You pick your tune and commit to it. If you truly want it, vChol Maaminim will work. The Throat Clear You clear the throat, they know it's real. Chuch that. Get out a decent sized phlegm wad. A Chazin has to let the congregants know he's about to start. A huge bit of mucus will have them ready for Kol Nidrei. When they hear that Chuch with the wad, they'll know a real Chazin is about to start. The Tune Everybody Knows They will all get into it. Know this in advance. Before making the decision to sing a song they know, understand that you will have to listen to them. They all think they're the Chazin when they know the tune. They will pay six-hundred for the seat, just to drown you out. They all think they have a good voice. When you're singing in a group, all the badness unifies into one. And thus we have what is known as congregations. If you're up for a lot of off tune harmonizing, this is the time to pull the song everybody knows. Second Warning: Only do this if you can handle it. I've seen Chazins give up right in the middle of the Torah ceremony. They started singing, the Cantor turned around and said, "I can't handle this. I have no idea what you are all doing on the left side of the shul. I thought we were supposed to be singing 'Etz Chayim Hi.' I'm out of here. I'm going somewhere where the congregants don't know the songs." Davening Extension Extend everything. The longer Davening goes, the holier the prayers are. Everybody knows this. And you get more pay. The extended Amidah is quite important as well. Do not let the rabbi beat you. Wait till the rabbi finishes, then take your three steps back. The Shema prayer. Go longer. And if the rabbi jump dances, you jump higher. NayNayNays work great for this. You can extend any prayer with a NayNayNay. You can get an extra couple hours out of Musaf with the employment of the NayNayNay Method. Note: The congregants will complain about the longer Davening. That is OK. This is what they're bringing you in for. They want something to complain about. The Kvetch Cry as much as you can in your Davening. The people connect to that. They also have to be in shul for fifteen hours on Yom Kippur. Cry when talking to people. They tell you how their kids are doing, cry and sing "Sunrise Sunset." Your job is to cry. You cry, you have job stability. You're the High Holidays Chazin. They pay you to cry for them. The congregants feel like they have a place in Olam Haba, the world to come, if their Chazin is crying. Wear a Huge Gown They like that. Huge gown and huge top hat. That's how you become famous. As Sadie Sarah Leah said last year, "I'm sure he had a good voice. His clothes were fifteen size too big on him." The Eye Close That looks like you're connecting to Gd. You close your eyes, it's spiritual, especially when you don't do anything. Just space out for a few minutes, and the congregants will understand that their Chazin is connecting to Gd. It also adds to the prayer length. Remember, anything that adds prayer length is good. Nobody asks questions of whether or not a Chazin is holy when he's sleeping on the job. Dramatic Pause Technique Quiet people. Anytime you make people feel like they did something wrong, you have power over them. And Chazin needs power. You quiet people with silence. Your stop will make everybody uncomfortable, having them question if they truly were the reason for the Al Chets, the "about these sins" prayer. This technique just looks good. I would suggest a shush every once in a while. You want there to be a shush. Note, it's best if somebody else shushes for you. True leaders have other people doing their shushes. The Kermit the Frog You want to sound like the Kermit the Frog if he resonated real well. You don't need a good voice to be the Chazin. You need techniques. So, practice the above. Get down your Kvetching, songs that don't fit the words, and a huge top hat that doesn't fit, and you will have gigs. It's all in the singing. This isn't a dance performance. You don't need to do the arm stretch. You're the Chazin. That takes enough energy. You don't need an arm workout. You're not ensuring the sea remains split. Don't overlook the singing. No matter how bad your voice, you sing it. If you have enough confidence in your inabilities, somebody will love it. And remember. Don't let the rabbi outdo you. If that means giving a sermon in the middle of your repetition of the silent prayer, then do it. That should get you a gig. Tags:
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Announcements
We’re sorry that our announcements are going backwards a month to September. We thought August was October. And thus, they were written as October. Our secretary is from Florida. She’s used to hotter weather in the summer. She thought it was already winter. To not worry. The Shabbat handout will have October after September as well, when it's October. It turns out there is another October then too. We will not be celebrating Menachem’s Bar Mitzvah again. The Kiddish the first time was Shvach. The rabbi says everybody has to go to Israel. He does not want to see you in our shul. Israel needs volunteers. To quote our rabbi, "The shul does not need volunteers or congregants. Hopefully you don't ruin Israel to." The rabbi suggests everybody purchase new Kippahs, because the shul membership looks like a bunch of Apikorsim. You all look like heretics with the silver tinted satin Yarmulkes, doubling as safety reflector Kippahs. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Miss School and Holidays by Listening to Our Board and Reading Our Shul's Announcements. How Long to Spend Trying on Kippahs for Purchase- The Art of Not Wearing Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke as a Style. The Chiyuv of Moving to Israel and Away from Topeka- An Obligation to Not Be a Congregant in Our Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Help people... Yes. The Parsha says to be useful. There's a Mitzvah to help. The Parsha does not say to be a congregant of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah... Forget about a horse. You didn't pick up Bernie's phone. He dropped his phone and you left it. You said, "There goes my back. I don't have to keep Mitzvahs"... (Devarim 23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Have you seen the kids at Camp Rachok MeiHorim? Little devils. There's not even a war... We learn that this is for those going out to war. Rashi teaches, “Because the Satan goes offensive at times of war.” You think you're fighting the Canaanites and the Amalekites. Next thing you know, you're fighting Satan. You have Ruchel coming at you from one side. And the shul renovation committee coming at you... I've always been against Color War. Color War also brings out the worst in people. They go to battle, they start singing "Bang Bang Clap B-Bang B-Bang Clap Clap" and it turns ugly real quick. Evil overtakes. Next thing you know, they’re never wearing blue T-shirts again... The blue team was the Amalekites. That's what my kid at Camp Rachok MeiHorim said... It’s easy for those in battle to sin. As the Ramban talks about the stress. Color War is a curse. And then that capture the flag thing. Like taking captives and sinning... It's all stressful. Losing at the wheelbarrow and egg on a spoon race is very stressful. It's our homes. Our neighborhoods. When people are out, we have to keep our camps holy. Those left in the camp have to keep it going. That’s the task of the non-warriors. The shopkeepers. Not to try to steal when war brings their business down. To keep the business going when nobody is buying anything. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are excellent at being unsuccessful... Morality can get lost when you’re dealing with chaos. When people are far from home. This is why I tell you to not go on summer vacations... You go on vacation. Nobody is taking care of the shul. And then you can't afford dues. Have we kept our camp holy?! In this time of war, have we guarded from evil?! It’s easy to lose a sense of morality when something so serious as war is going on, and when you have a membership like ours. The Mitzvot of acting right. Helping others with their animals. Not acting perverse like Shmuli who tells the dirtiest jokes... Not in Shul, Shmuli. The one about the priest and the imam has got to stop. We're in shul. Do you know how easy it is to tell dirty jokes in times of war... And so many things went wrong due to you all losing sight. We can’t let Satan have us lose sight as to what’s important. Even in times of war. And that is a decent Kiddish. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was awful. Kichel?! Gefilte fish balls?! It's a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish. At least have loaf fish... When you go on your vacations are you wearing Kippahs... Yes. You should wear Kippahs in war too. How war and vacation are the same thing is baffling. To this American congregation, going to war is making sure you don't get cut off on line at Disney World. Battling to keep your spot at the Snoopy Roller Ride... In war, you camouflage. You don't wear Menachem's Bar Mitzvah silver foil reflector Yarmulke... Trying on Kippahs from the Bar Mitzvah Kippah box is messed up. HaKipah is a brand. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah- October 18th 2025, is not a brand. And it was August 18th 2025... You look like idiots. Like Satan got into your Kippah. Guard against looking like an idiot. Satan is in your Satin... The board went the whole month calling August October in the newsletter, and nobody said a thing. Is that Satan?... I understand it's the board. Same thing... Nobody reads the Shabbat announcement. Nobody said anything about the fact we missed Rosh Hashana in August?!... Nobody reads it Ruchel. I don't know how you can call it announcements if nobody reads it?... Announcements to nobody. "We are announcing the Shiva to nobody." That's why nobody shows up. Because they don't read it. Maybe if you made announcements like normal people, with the correct month, people would show up at the right time... I don't know what we're going to do with all of Mencahem's friends and cousins who are planning to come in October... Wherever we are. Whatever we do. Even if we're showing up in the wrong season, because of the board. We have to be strong in our convictions of following the Mitzvot. Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was evil. It had people fighting to try to find decent food. It was a Satan filled Kishka... Nothing is the same as being in Israel. Keeping the Israel camp in Israel... Camp Rachok MeiHorim has a Hebrew name. But it is not in Israel... It's not keeping the camp of Israel holy... No. It's not a summer camp. It doesn't cost 12k. It's our people-hood. Where we're supposed to live... You talk about it. You send stuff. If you’re not there, you’re not on the front lines. You're immoral. You're not keeping the camp from evil... You can go to Israel now. You can leave our congregation. There is no COVID... OK. So there are missiles. Satan keeps you from helping your people with missiles. You are letting the war keep you from what is right. (23:10) “When a camp goes out against your enemies, you must guard against anything evil.” Which is why I'm trying to get you all out of here... Don't let war take away your moral compass. That is Israel. Israel is our camp. And it's cheaper than Camp Rachok MeiHorim. There's a war going on. Go to Israel. Volunteer. Help... I am not telling Nachum to go. The guy hasn't helped with anything. He will just bring dumb ideas with him. He will hurt Israel. He'll probably start a committee... The Mitzvah is to help fight evil. To help your people remain strong. The Mitzvah isn't to go to Israel to complain about your back... You have to purchase the Kippah correctly. You don’t just take one. You fit it. See how it hits the back of the head. You take two mirrors... You guys just slap the thing on your head. It looks pathetic. And you don't even pass on morals to your children. I saw you drop a Kippah and you didn’t pick it up. Your child didn’t help. There won't be morality and Mitzvahs in time of war, if your camp is already not Mitzvahdik... Your home is the camp here. You have to guard something from evil... It's not your new wall to wall flat screen. It's Mitzvot... I understand the Kippah was ugly. I know. I saw it. Guarding your reflector satin thing perched on your skull is maybe not something important to you. Make sure you have something to guard, other than a decent TV. You don't even have Max... Give them values to guard. Your child didn't help pick up the Kippah because they have no values. That’s what they teach these kids at Color War... Acting with purity, even in times of war. (Devarim 23:15) “For H’ your Gd walks in the midst of your camp, to rescue you and to deliver your enemies before you. And your camp will be Kasdosh. And He will not see a shameful thing in you and turn away from behind you.” When H' walks in the midst camp. You have to guard that. Why this shul has so much security now makes no sense... What are we guarding? The new quilt you put up on the wall?! It's not holy... It's not even a community quilt. Brenda donated it because she had to get rid of it. She put it in the laundry and brought it. For some reason, the renovation team decided to hang it up... Not all quilts bring community together. She didn't even bring the duvet... I know. You would've hung it up if she gave it. The quilt is shameful. It’s about holiness. Even in war. Keeping the Mitzvot in the hard times. Not messing up August for everybody. Having them worried about snow days at the end of summer... Something to guard. We have to create something to guard. Something worthwhile to keep Satan from it... Is it in the camp that we must guard, or those who are out to war?! I propose it is both. We must guard against board members everywhere... Our holy people of Israel have acted properly in this war. Keeping Mitzvahs. Tefillin... Don’t know if you're supposed to lay Tefilling while being shot at. They wore their Kippahs correctly in Gaza. Not shiny Yarmulkes. Also, in the communities. They wore their Kippahs proudly. Everywhere except for Topeka. Their kindness was guarded. Quilts were donated. Not by our community... Why we put one up on a wall, when kids can be sleeping with it. And in our camp of Israel, everywhere, we kept it good. We still saw H'. A holy people... When we are weakest, the Satan is there for us. Be it temptation. Be it war. Be it Nachum’s back... We must keep morals no matter what. For Gd. Even at the worst of times. Even in battle. Even at Menachem's Bar Mitzvah... We have to keep whatever camp we are in holy. To guard against our evil at home. And that is the board. We have to do something about the board. Maybe get them to move to Israel... We have weak kids. Not one of them made the high school football team. Evil is in that camp. There's too much arts and crafts going on at Camp Rachok MeiHorim... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi blamed the problems in our congregation on people too focused on vacation. Our congregants can care less about war. They forget about Gd when they're on vacation. To quote Nachum, "It's a battle every time we go to Orlando. It's so crowded." Our Jewish people have been an Ohr LGoyim in this war. A light amongst the nations. And Israel has gotten blamed for it too. Israel has fought off Satan. As the rabbi said, "Some of our members visited Israel, and Israel still survived." Menachem's Bar Mitzvah Kiddish was not an Ohr LGoyim. If nonJews start serving post service refreshments like that, people will leave their religions. I agree with the rabbi. The things that go wrong in Israel are because our membership makes dumb decisions. I believe he called the members of our shul Congregites. Here are things that go wrong: Kippahs. Messed up Yarmulkes that shine. I can't Daven in shul with the glare coming off the Kippahs, hitting my Siddur. The wall hangings. They should be meaningful. Not somebody's bedding. I thought community quilts were made with meaning. Not slept in. Kiddish without loaf fish and schmaltz herring. They served the salty water herring. Taste buds have changed over the past hundred years. Our board. Committees. People showing up to shul. Everything goes wrong. And we wouldn't even know when it went wrong because I think we're in November now. Our congregants are just not helpful. They sin even without war. Our kids won't help if somebody falls. I believe Nachum said, "If somebody lost the shirt off their back, I wouldn't bend." It might have been, "If somebody needed a shirt. I would give them a decent place to buy one." Maybe blaming our members is a myopic view of the world. But at least it gives the rabbi and me somebody to blame. Somebody has to be blamed for the messed up Kiddishes we've had lately. I can’t believe I missed that they were calling August "October." I just thought we were having a very hot October this year. The leftists in our shul used the October mistake to prove their argument of global warming. The rabbi argued, “You can’t argue global warming is happening because our board is a bunch of fools. Brenda's community quilt for Shalom was worn out. It was an old blanket with fraying corners. The rabbi got many congregants to go to Israel. They all felt good being in the Holy Land after five years of not visiting. COVID, the war, and Yankel the tailor who wouldn't stop talking about how the price of flights to Israel right now, kept our members from visiting for a while. When the rabbi suggested our volunteering in Israel to our members, he was hoping they would volunteer to move there. The members were mad the rabbi said there was no COVID. That was more controversial than rockets hitting Israel. They wanted more COVID. One congregant yelled, "THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE MASKS, RABBI?!!!" The guys in our shul truly look like heretics, walking around with reflector Yarmulkes. What Menachem's Bar Mitzvah with the free Yarmulkes did to them. They're messed up Kippahs. Due to the need for non-reflector Kippahs, so people don't get blinded when Davening, the shul purchased new Kippah box Kippahs. There is now a Kippah policy. We used to make everybody wear jackets for Davening. Now, they need to wear normal Kippah. As the rabbi taught, if you're Pinny, you might want to spend more time trying on Yarmulkes "because you look like a fool." I think the real message of the sermon was "Satan is in your Satin." Tags:
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Dear Dave,
I noticed that the people at shul see singles in a certain way, and that is how they see me. And it's getting annoying. I think last week's letter got me thinking a lot. I am not sure though. I have to think about that. As I told you last time, anything I do as a single guy amazes them. And that's annoying. To be wowing people with basic life skills, like not smelling bad and tying my own shoes, got me questioning if I am different. By the way, it would be nice to hear from you. I hope you and your family are doing well. I didn't hear back from you last time. I would've thought you would've been impressed I wrote a whole letter and figured out how to email it. Now I know what's going on. They think I'm pathetic. I have some kind of disability. Which is apparently a Rachmanis. I heard them saying it in this soft melancholy tone. "What a Rachmanis." They're talking about what a pity I am. The patheticness of my life. It's like looking at a dying animal. You see the horse in agony, you think it's single, and you shoot it. It's a Rachmanis. Rachmanis is a different level of pathetic. Not just a pity. They see me as "such a pity." That's what "a" means in Hebrew. "Such a." It's an extreme form of pitiness. One that can only be expressed in question form without a question mark. "What a Rachmanis." A question with a shake of the head showing disapproval that you are still around, which causes them pain. And yet it's a statement. How that works. Only Yiddish can do that. You see, Dave. Even I do it. "How that works" and "you see" would be questions if it was said by anybody that doesn't go to my shul. They see you without a Tallis in shul. They all know it. A Rachmanis. That's what they're all thinking. And that's why your dues are so high. That's why singles have to pay membership dues at a rate of twice the amount of a family. It causes them such anguish to have to look at you, you have to pay the community a fine for that. It's a Knas for making them feel bad for looking at you. They reserve Rachmanis for sick people and singles. Every once in a while, you'll hear it when they're talking about a poor community member, like when somebody is living in a townhouse. "Such a Rachmanis. They share a wall with another family." "I know. It might even be a duplex." And then they walk passed, clench their lips and shake their heads side to side, to let you know you've let them down. It's real hard hearing that Rachmanis of disapproval when they're visiting you in the hospital on life support. Knowing you've let them down by almost dying. And with some of these community members, if you're in the emergency room and single, if they start feeling Rachmanis, they might shoot you. Rachmanis is their way of saying, "What a loser." "There is no way they'll every meet anybody. I hope I find another loser to set them up with. That will make them happy." Do you guys ever get Rachmanis as a family? It's good to know who gets Rachmanis. How would you feel hearing that? "He's been pulling in seven figures with his promotion at the firm. Has four kids, doing well in private school. What a Rachmanis." They see the single guy as pathetic. And this is why it amazes them when this disabled person can prepare a Shabbat meal, with food that "he even heated that up himself." This is why it amazes them that I live in a house, and it's not even a duplex. And then on top of that, I shower. By the way, I see those pathetic people who make their way and push through life with tasks such as bathing, to be strong. Not pathetic. I respect the old single losers. I think the old singles losers want to just be respected for standing tall, slicking back their hair, and still not attracting anybody. Still strutting their stuff in shul, Talissless. Hanging out at youth groups. Not realizing how they scare people. I will never forget the, "It will happen." That's how she started the conversation. I showed up to shul and she had that Rachmanis look, as if she'd just had that conversation with her friend about how much better her life is for having had the chance to not be David. As I'm passing, she looks at me, "David. It will happen." I was like, "I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'" I think "It will happen" is the next level of pity. I don't know how seeing me causes a visceral reaction of "it will happen." As if she needed to convince herself that Gd is not that mean. Gd must have Rachmanis. I think the point is, I want to be a person again so I can save on dues. And then they invited me for dinner. It's not that bad being a Rachmanis. You do save on Shabbis food. I don't know. They might have been talking about the Bar Mitzvah boy whose parents were divorced, and how the kid had to do go through his whole Bar Mitzvah without his dad showing up. But I know it was about me. LSimchas, David Tags:
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Announcements
The Tu BAv single people event is happening for all the divorcees. Old single people who have never been married cannot come to these events either. Or any shul events. We want to be clear. You also scare divorcees. The wall will be renovated for security. It will be a secure structure. This will keep out terrorists. The wall we have now does not keep out terrorists and it is always falling down. We will call it "The Terrorist Wall." We want to commend Camp Rachok MeiHorim for not letting the kids write letters to their parents for first two weeks. It’s good Chinuch. Kids learn that their parents don’t want to hear from them. A Kosher slushy stand is opening. That’s the best we’re going to get. It’s a place to go to and sit outside when 7-Eleven is too packed. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Build a Wall Correctly to Keep Out Singles. What To Do When Your Kids Try to Contact You and the Mitzvah of Honoring Your Parents Not Your Kids. Where to Move to When 7-Eleven is Your Best Kosher Restaurant. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... H’ made a Brit with you at Sinai... No. It wasn’t a communal Brit Milah. I’m dealing with idiots. A covenant... A Bris is a covenant and a Brit Milah. This is too complicated having to explain Ashkenazi vs Hebrew pronunciations... If you would know some Hebrew the sermons would be much quicker. After hearing he can’t go into Israel, Moshe tells the people it’s their fault, and then tells them they better practice the Mitzvot... Yes. It's your fault. How we end up with a Kosher slushy stand is your fault. That was not in Gd's covenant when He gave us choolante... Brain freezes are a curse. Not a covenant. Though they happen all the time, there's no Slurpee covenant that you shall drink it and feel like you are dying every time. (Devarim 5:1) Moshe says to them, “Hear Israel the decrees and the ordinances that I speak into your ears today.” Moshe doesn’t say to talk Bernie... Listen. Listen to your rabbi’s sermons. I am giving over H’s word and you don’t even hear it... Because you talk. There was never a commandment to talk. Because you say stupid stuff. This is why H' has to talk right into the ear. Because you guys don't hear anything unless I scream it in your ear... “And teach your children.” Or they end up like the kids in our shul who are athletes... Apikorsim. Same thing. No commandment to talk. There are Mitzvahs to listen to H’. To believe in H’. The only time they talk is when they are like “Moshe. Do it for us. Go up there and get the commandments for us. You do the work.” When you guys talk, you mess things up. Like your kids... At least teach your kids correctly... OK. First listen and then teach. The problem is you don’t listen. Then your kids end playing softball like a bunch of fools, kicking the ball... I know that's kickball. But you guys are coaching them and they think they're playing a different game, because you don't listen. When you don’t hear Gd’s commandments, and you’re in the back talking about how your new air-conditioner just kicked on, you end up messing everything up for your religion... You don't listen. You end coming up with messed up Shidduchim. You share dumb ideas. Then your kids don't get married to these people. You bring them into the shul, and I have to deal with it. It's your fault... And what about listening to the message of Tu BAv?! Maybe we have to think about older people who never got married. They’re not allowed anywhere. They can't go to parks. They can’t be neighbors. They can't be youth directors. They can’t even go to singles events. Those things only run up to thirty-five. They're even too old to be single. How do we help these scary old singles, other than quarantining them from other people. And I get that you want to keep your kids away for safety... Divorcees have done something. These old single people have never done anything. They are useless. And they can't educate kids or they'll get locked up... You educate to your kids go out with ugly people. Look at the back left. All married in... Exactly. Listen to what the single people are saying. They want to do something. They want to be married. They don't want to marry into your family. And I get that. I see you guys every week... The decree is to get married. But if you don't meet anybody. If you can't go to events... That's how you end up here. When you don't listen and hear, you end up believing false gods. Like a security wall that doesn’t work... You didn’t even think Trump’s wall was a good idea... A wall for security? We’ve had a wall forever... So, we’re going to have Scarface now popping in the back of our shul. Shooting everybody up from behind the non-bulletproof wall?! And what makes the wall bulletproof? Concrete? The walls we have are made of concrete. Why not just listen to the people who used to make walls?!... That's what happens when you don't listen and you teach kids wrong. Drywall. Maybe get a wall that doesn't fall down. That's all. plaster it right... I believe in security. Not stupidity. Not congregants who don't listen... How about a wall that keeps out congregants?! How does a wall keep out terrorists? It didn't keep out any of our congregants... Immigrants can get through the wall. Ein LDavar Sof. There is no end to safety when you don't listen to Gd... Every single one of the renovation ideas is messed up. Beforehand it was because people will die, rolling down a ramp that has an incline of one inch. That didn’t sell. Now it’s security. And kids are educated in youth groups which are on the other side of the wall. What about them... The Terrorist Wall is not a good name for it. It sounds like an invite. Like a wall made for them. It will only draw terrorists. And how do we keep out congregants? That should be the discussion... You don't deal with them. Congregants are just as bad. Security in sanctuary??? What about in the hallway? Do you not care about the kids? Did we not learn to educate them... I understand, you have done an excellent job of educating them that their parents don't care. "The kids can go. If they must go, they must go. would’ve been better if they didn’t come back from camp"... How much security in a sanctuary where you are praying. Do you not believe in Gd... You send your kids to summer camp, when you don’t listen to H’s word. H’ was talking about encamping. Encamping around the Mishkan... The Tabernacle was not the name of a Machane Kayitz. So, the kids can’t write home for two weeks? They come home after three... Michelle. Your kids can't write. And if your kid has an emergency. "Excellent. Great. It’s a shame the bear got them. It’s a shame the buddy system didn’t work out." This way at least you don't get blamed for The Terrorist Wall. It's about educating your children correctly. They don't get that from you, because you don't listen. They don't get it from the Camp Rachok MeiHorim... They come back thinking "Bang Bang Clap" is a Jewish song... And now the divorcees have no money for dates, because your kids should be encamping. Not in camp. And you would know that if you listened to H'... So. You want that wall to keep your kids away. You are fine if they go You'll be calling the cops with your kids in youth groups. "We're OK. We're behind the safe wall in the sanctuary." When you don't listen, you end up with no Kosher restaurant... Because you didn’t listen to H’ telling you to eat Kosher. You’re supposed to eat Kosher. Bernie. Your kids can’t eat without a restaurant. You think Mrs. Schwartz’s kids are eating her food?! It’s disgusting. Let's have spaghetti and cottage for dinner again. We worked on finding a restaurant. We now have a slushy stand... How is that a restaurant. If there is nothing that is being heated up, it’s not a restaurant... You don’t heat slushy’s Bernie. If you all listened, this shul wouldn't be so messed up... Yes. To listen to me. Cheryl. When you don’t hear H’, you covet stuff. Because your stuff is messed up. Like a slushy place. You covet a regular restaurant. Maybe if you got a decent restaurant, single people would want to go on dates there. And then they wouldn't come to shul coveting your families... You don't go to 7-Eleven on a date, because kids hang out there and you can get locked up. You covet because you don’t view it all as H’s. You believe in other gods. To not covet is the last commandment, because not following H’s ways leads to people being congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. And it leads to single people... (Devarim 5:18) “You shall not covet your fellow’s wife, you shall not desire your fellow’s house, field, slave, maidservant, ox, donkey or anything that belongs to your fellow.” I understand nobody is coveting our congregants. That is the one positive about looking at the back left. There is no desire... And your cattle are messed up too... H’ has to list this stuff because you don’t listen. If you just listened to “Don’t covet,” it wouldn’t all have to be spelled out. When you don’t listen the first time... "Not to desire" adds even plotting against a friend. Not necessarily just action. To fantasize a plot, even if he won’t do it (Ramban). And I am guilty for plotting to get the other rabbi fired, so I could get out of this shul... I am not plotting. I am planning against you, because I can’t stand you. I am planning on ruining your ideas which will mess up the shul with a new wall. We don't put up walls in this shul. We put up with annoying board members and committees... And this is what you get when children are educated by people who don't listen. And that is why you have no love in your life... And now we call up the Bat Mitzvah... Rivka's Rundown At the end of the sermon, the rabbi called up the Bat Mitzvah girl, who nobody wished a Mazel Tov to. She wasn't even in the announcements. They even skipped Kiddish. It was like day of mourning in our shul for Tu BAv and the girl's Bat Mitzvah. Well. The rabbi called her up and spoke right into her ear. At my Bat Mitzvah, I wasn't called up to terror and the idea of somebody coveting my parents. I am sure the Bat Mitzvah girl will remember what she heard from the rabbi. The rabbi spent the first half hour of the sermon going off on how people’s grandparents in the Pale of Settlement didn’t necessarily pronounce Hebrew words the same way Moshe did. Later in the week he gave a class on how people should at least learn a little Hebrew, even if they get it wrong, so he doesn’t have to explain everything he says in the sermon. Mid-class, after dealing with constant questions about the meaning of what he was talking about, the rabbi said, “You are a hopeless people.” He stopped the class, left, and said, “I would never want to take you to Israel.” The rabbi spoke on the hearing part of what Moshe said, because he thought that people would stop talking during his sermons and listen. That didn’t work. The rabbi blamed us for heresy and the golden calf. Stating Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefillah is the reason. The basic message... Our kids are messed up because their parents don’t listen to H’s commandments or the rabbi. I think the rabbi called the back left of the shul very not good-looking people. He did take a lot of complaints for his comment about the cattle. To quote Dr. Lipman, "Say what you want about my wife. But never put down my oxen." I feel bad for the old singles. They can’t go anywhere. They're quarantined at every event. They come to the events and they have to sit at a table with themselves. No interacting with regular community members, known as "the normals." Or as the rabbi knows them, "congregants who I want to put on the other side of the secured wall." And now they are even too old for singles events. They have to stay in their homes and stalk people on the internet. That’s their only hope. One family has all the singles over. This way we at least know where to stay away from with our children. They send their children away to different homes for dinner, just in case the old singles see what younger people look like. Which old single men shouldn't know. One of the singles hugged a kid yesterday. The shul was in an uproar. I don’t care it was his niece. It was wrong. And people kicked him out. B"H. The board did make a correction in the announcements, after push back from the community. They said they are happy to take dues from the old single people. They still can't go to events or show up anywhere, but they can be part of the community by giving money. If we need a stronger wall, secure it. Now, everybody is afraid the walls of the shul are going to fall on them. I thought I saw some congregants leaning on one of the walls last Shabbat. They were trying to hold it up. They’re going crazy with the security thing. I think they just want to spend money, because they haven't given any of it, and they need an argument to spend it. You can’t argue against security. It’s like you’re heartless. You can't say anything to it. “What? You don’t care about security? What about people's lives?” "Well. I don't care." They even have members on patrol now. This is the next Police Academy. Melvin, who needs two people to help him up while he grabs the chair in front of him, is on the security team. If they had money to do renovations on their own house, we wouldn’t be talking about this. They would be focused on spending their own money, and the shul would be safe. They would have no alarm system in the shul, because they had one in their house. They really don’t care about the kids. The sanctuary, which doesn’t allow kids inside, because they disturb, is the only safe place. My parents sent me to camp because they didn’t want to see me. This no letters for two weeks, at least the kids know where their parents stand. Truth is, if I was a one of these kids, knowing what my parents are hoping for me, I would stay at camp. In the end, these parents in our shul will probably spend 500k for college, just to get their kids out. The followup class on what to do when your kids try to contact you from camp was a series on How to Hide from Your Children. A slushy stand. A place to get headaches. Our community is pathetic. I need out. I need a community where I can get a Boureka. At least Bourekas heated up in a microwave. That's all I am asking for, a restaurant where somebody does the microwaving for me. At least that. Can't even get a restaurateur to press buttons here. Tags:
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about dogs drinking coffee, Siddur holders in the back of his neck at shul and how he is mad at Kibbutz Lavi carpentry, all while trying to figure out why all these Hamas supporters have COVID with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new style for Tisha BAv with his Converse All-Stars and extremely ugly socks.
Mazel Tov. It’s a dog... I think it’s great when people give birth to dogs. Dogs are just not good on deciding what to order. And that isn’t fun when I’m waiting for them to choose latte or americano. I waited on line for a good ten minutes for that dog to make a decision as to what coffee it wanted. At some point, I decided to cut him. At least the dog is focused on the menu. Maybe on the guy’s shorts. I am not sure.
Proof, as seen at the Monticello shul. The Siddur holder angle was correct a hundred years ago. Which is why I don't think shuls should renovate. Due to new design, I get smacked in the neck by the guy’s Chumash every Shabbat... Kibbutz Lavi furniture is causing baseless hatred.
Hamas supporters are still suffering from COVID, and nobody is talking about it. You’ve got to feel for them. It’s probably Israel that’s giving it to them. (ABC News Nassau County)
That man is ready for Tisha BAv. He’s got his Converse All-Stars and the overuse of socks to express lament... The only people who can make Converse All-Stars not look good.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XLVII7/16/2025
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the Siddur holders at shul and people who love Israel, while supporting the idea of Jews not being happy with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new diet technique of using a spoon that is too small to hold food.
The plastic Jewish diet spoon. I got it from the caterer who didn’t have enough cake. The spoon did make the souffle look bigger... Since using it for breakfast, I've taken off a lot of weight. I have noticed it now takes longer to eat cereal. And most of the time, the Golden Grahams fall off the spoon, helping with more weight loss. A quite utilitarian utensil. That other spoon is the old spoon I used to use. It held the cereal and I ate. I'm not going to use that again.
Flying back to Israel now, during these times of war, and our people are celebrating. It’s always been hard to sleep flying with Israelis... I think that steward got fired for loving Israel too much. Loving Israel can keep people up on a long flight... Worst advertisement for Arkia, "Our staff loves Israel." That's going to be a very happy flight. Now I'm sitting next to somebody who wants to dance the Hora.
New shul seat construction and the reason I can’t sit in shul... They made the Shtender just small enough so the guy’s Siddur is smacking me in the back of my head all Davening.
We've got to make it look worse on social media when bombs are raining down on us. Make it look like we're having it hard... Singing “Od Yoter Tov,” “Avinu SheBaShamaim” and “Kol HaOlam Koolo.” People think we’re loving the rockets aimed at us. This is why people think we have it good. We're the only people who go into bomb shelters for a party. Palestinians look like they're starving, eating corned beef sandwiches with Greta Thunberg. Jews look like they're having a ball, sleeping in bomb shelters, missiles raining down on them, having overnight disco parties. They're loving it. Asking, "When are Hamas and Hizbullah attacking next? I’ve got nothing going on tonight. Why is nobody hanging out at the bomb shelter? Why has Iran stopped?" When asked in the future, these kids are going to say, "The best memories of my childhood were getting shot at. We danced. We sang. When Iran was trying to blow us up, that was so much fun." And they're going to mean it... Point is. Enjoy every moment. Just don't let the world know we're a happy people... I am sorry about that guy with his shirt off. I don't believe that he was the guy people were asking to take off his shirt.
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Many people are worried about the uptick in antisemitism nowadays. Do not worry. There was a lot of antisemitism years ago too. I hope that comforts you. Your people has always been hated.
Antisemitism has always been upticked, even before Tucker Carlson and that Cortez acronym. And thanks to our American freedom and independence, they have the right to hate Jews. I don't know if freedom allows for hate speech against other minorities. But at least America allows the freedom to hate Jews. Here’s a few stories from a child growing up in Rochester, New York, to bring anti-Semitic pride. I don't know if that sounds right. Maybe Jewish pride. Yesterday we spoke of Rabbi Yechiel Meir Bergman and the dog that protected the kids from anti-Semites on the way to Cheder in Rochester. Today, let's talk about me, my childhood, and more anti-Semites. Jewish Boy Playing Basketball Years ago, I was a child. Shoot. Now you know my age. I played basketball in the Christian Youth Organization league, in Rochester. We were the Jewish team, playing for the JCC. We played for Jewish pride. We didn't do a good job of it. Any Jew that saw us play would have become an apostate. The Christian Youth Organization used us as the predecessors to Jewish for Jesus in the area. I missed a foul shot one day and everybody yelled, “Jews can’t play basketball.” I asked my friend’s mom why I couldn’t play basketball. She said, “It’s fine. You can play basketball. They just hate Jews. They hate you because your people are bad at basketball.” For a while I started not liking my people. They were the reason I was missing foul shots. Even more so, they were the reason I was getting fouled so much. It turns out, anything a Jew does, the nation gets blamed for it. I learned this at a young age. Thanks to Bugsy Siegel and Meyer Lansky, everybody thinks I'm a mobster. One day, a Jew was purchasing a suit and he asked if it was on sale. Now, every Jew is cheap. Thanks to me, Jews can't shoot a basketball. Due to my playing abilities, no Jews were drafted into into the NBA in 1990s, except for Doron Sheffer, who didn't play in the NBA. He decided to play in Israel, due to the antisemitism caused by my poor shooting. It was 2009 before they decided to finally forgive me and draft a Jew. Thank you Omri Casspi for getting them to forgive me for what I did to our people. NeoNazis on the Way to Shul Walking to shul, there were neoNazis on the side of the road. It might have been just a bunch of bald guys. Either way. They weren’t Jewish. And that is scary enough. They started yelling, “Jews.” Which is antisemitism at its worst and most dangerous. Never let anybody call you a Jew. Next thing you know, a car is driving down the street, beeping us. Even scarier. They also yelled, “Jews.” Maybe they were warning people about Meyer Lansky. I don't know. My dad was a strong Jew, from Brooklyn. Jews from Brooklyn don't put up with anything. You tell a Jew from Brooklyn they're not allowed to join a pickleball game, they're whacking the racket over your head. Very violent pickleball players. Abba started chasing them all down, at once. Both the car and the neoNazis. And they were probably neoNazis in the car. They had hair, but that might have been toupees. One Jew against twelve anti-Semites, or people who just wanted to say "hi" to some Jews. Next thing I know, my dad is yelling, “One day, you’re going to be working for my son.” I heard that and I told my dad, “Abba. That’s why they hate us.” I think my dad was talking about my older brothers. They are quite successful. I’m right now thinking about working for them. The Time That Marshalls Charged Full Retail I went to the clearance rack, and there was no “clearance” tag on the clothes. Not even a sale sign. Everything was the suggested retail price. I knew at that moment that Marshalls must hate Jews. That was a hard lesson for a fifth grader to take in. Postscript After the Marshalls fiasco, I realized the world is full of anti-Semites. From then on, I only made friends with people that hated me. I needed other people to play basketball with. I thought I would help my people by dispelling the anti-Semitic myths of Jews being bad athletes by playing more basketball. That didn't help. I continued playing and missing shots. I have not done a good job of dispelling the belief that Jews are cheap. I am sorry, but I will not stop shopping at Ollie's, and going back to Kohl's weekly, to get my rewards coupon. And yes. I still use coupons. And all Jews use coupons. Once I reached high school, every shot I missed, I let them know, "David can't play basketball." I thought it was important they knew that I was bad, and that my people should not have to deal with persecution. Due to my lacking basketball abilities, AOC got into government. It was tough playing basketball in Junior Bantam elementary with the weight of Jewish national peace and Israel on my shoulders. And I want us to apologize to my people. The reputation for Jews being chubby is on me. I still have baby fat. I like to call it that. How hatred of Jews is expressed with "Jews can't play basketball" is still something I am trying to figure out. How that leads to “from the river to the sea” chants, I can’t tell you. I did once hear that Jews can't play basketball in the river. And after learning much Torah, I now know the Jews did not play basketball when leaving Egypt, even when Gd split the sea. If they said "Jews can't play floor hockey," I would understand that is pure hatred of my people. I did improve once I started offering favors for baskets. Thanks to Bugsy and my reputation as a mob boss, I told them I would take out their mathematics teacher if they let me have a few open layups. I wouldn’t say favors for baskets was as altruistic as the Easterseals shootout. A Postscript Message from a Child of the ‘80s Antisemitism is not just in Rochester. Everybody in every city has a story. They hate us everywhere. I hope that helps you feel better living in America. People have always hated us. “Why do people hate Jews?” Answer. Because they’re Jewish. I learned that as a child in a basketball game and at shul. Ever been to shul? Everybody hates Jews there. Tons of anti-Semites at our Minyin. When I was growing up, you learned to be tough. You learned to chase after neoNazis in cars, to get a pickup basketball game going. You learned to miss foul shots with pride. You learned how to show the cashier at Marshalls the misstich, to get a few extra dollars off on a button-down. Back in the early 1900s, Jews couldn't even get jobs due to hatred of our people. Now we are bosses, and they hate us more. Be tough. Stop crying. Let them know you’re Jewish and you're proud. And don’t live in Rochester. Apparently, there’s a lot of antisemitism there. And get a dog. Get a dog or move to Israel. Tags:
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These love birds at shul, they both had such soft skin. So much Ahava. You get it? Ahava is love. Ahava is a company that sells Dead Sea products like lotions. They had a lot of love and hand cream. Ahava can be used for both. That's how this one works. 
For some reason, I don’t trust the crossing guards. I don’t know what kind of course they took to run traffic... Truthfully, I don’t think they were properly trained in road regulations. I’m afraid that one kid is coming at the other to attack him with the sign.
I have a feeling these third graders are not taking their job seriously. No work ethic. One kid gave up and took off the vest. I’m thinking that your parents should let you cross the street alone, before running crosswalks. 
Click on the picture for tickets to share laughs with David Kilimnick in Jerusalem on Thursday, February 12th
(Shemot 22:4-5) If your animal ruins somebody else’s field or you start a fire, you have to pay. You have to pay for being an idiot that nobody likes. And if you slam your locker at my gym, it’s a Mitzvah to smack you. That's a Psak.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
2/8/2026
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