Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur.
What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. 

Nusach Ashkenaz
This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it.
Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. 
At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form.
Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does.
English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service.

Nusach Taiman
This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. 
More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. 
Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often.
Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman.

Nusach Sefarad
Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha.
They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts.
Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out.
The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle.

Nusach HaAri
I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that.
Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri.

Eidut Mizrach
Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach.
Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop.
The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot.
Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist.

Nusach HaGra
This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry.
Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise.

There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven.
From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them.

Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach.

Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.

Weird Looks During Davening
Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis.
For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.'

People Worried About You
That means leftovers.
'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food.
And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge.
Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home.

Random Shidduchim
Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester.
You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea.

Everybody Trying to Set You Up
When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook.

Awkward Moments With Aunts
When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them.

People Are Protective of their Children
Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit.
When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary.
Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you.

They Will Call You a Child
A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur.
I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty.
They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot.

Comments That Make No Sense
'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'
They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away.
This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante.

They Will Expect You To Help
If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time.
If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary.

Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out
You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first.
If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you.

Sit at the Kids Table
They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?!
At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!!
Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids.

If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook.

The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.'
To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.'

Tachnun Before Tisha BAv?
It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis.
Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur.

What Do We Do?
Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.'
But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi.
They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.

The Rabbi Explains
In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given.

Epilogue
For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av.

And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.'
And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back.

Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means.

The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.'
Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.'

The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' 
And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai.
Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. 

Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza.

Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych.

Who Deserves a Yashkoych
If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you.
Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him.
Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs.
Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych.
Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five.
Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better.

Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych
We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit.
One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round.
The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first.

I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul.

You better know when to start repeating the Amdiah, or people will get mad.
How do you repeat the Silent Prayer, the Amidah, out loud? That is a question nobody can answer. Yet, it is done. Hence, we will focus on when to start the repetition of the Amidah, the Chazaras HaShatz.
Knowing when to start the repetition of the Silent Prayer out loud is a skill that takes years of study of the subtlety human expression. Here are some of the signs you'll get from the Gabais and members of shuls, to let you know when to begin.

The Head Nod
That is the most common cue. You're looking for the upward nod. The downward nod is a perplexed guy trying to figure out why the custodian hasn't vacuumed the carpet.
Be sure it's not a side-to-side head shake. That means to not start, and that the guy is confused. It's subtleties. Be sure the eyes are telling you to go. 
Reading the eyes and the Head Nod are not always easy. The first time I got the Head Nod, I thought the Gabai was saying 'Hi.' I stepped away from the Amid (the Chazin's spot) and asked about his kids. He answered me with a 'Nu.' I believe 'Nu' means to start, as I read his eyes and he was not happy. Maybe if his kids brought him more Nachis, he would've been fine getting a coffee.

A Blink
That's it. A blink. That is your indicator. A blink.
Study your Gabais. Before embarking with a blink, be sure the Gabai doesn't have a twitch. If you see the Gabai blinking a lot and harshly, maybe go over to him and ask if he has allergies before starting the repetition.

The Hand
It's a subtle stop sign. That means don't go. The hand comes down a little, that means go. To be honest, the stop and start signs looked very similar. I could swear they were the same exact movement. Though, when I got a nasty look, I knew that meant to start the Chazaras HaShatz. Any nasty look of disappointment means to start the repetition.
Universal Sign: A disappointed look that is usually given to a child that didn't get an 'A', If you get that look at forty, you start.
As a rookie, I thought the hand coming down a little meant to repeat the Amidah very slowly. That full repetition I felt a lot of disappointment.

The Tefillin Touch and Shoulder Brush
If your shul is into community softball, this will probably be the Gabai's tell for you to go.

Loud Breath Out
That is a definite go. A lot of anger. It's a frustration that starts at home with one of the kids missing the bus, makes its way to some guy cutting people off onto the off-ramp, then having to see Bernie as the first person in shul, and manifests itself with you not starting the Amidah when he wants.
I got the Breath Out from the congregation when I asked the Gabai about his kids. It was nice to see the shul membership join in unison.

The Breath Out Head Shake and Hand Wave with Eye Blink
If they've got to give you all the signs, they're not allowing you to pray again. It makes no difference how many Yahrzeits you have, you're not taking the Amid (where the Chazin leads the Amidah from).

The Table Bang
That is a mistake or somebody is really angry. That is the next level of anger. If I was you, I would skip the repetition, grab my Tefillin bag, and run out of shul. I've done that many of times when I was not aware it was Rosh Chodesh.
The Table Bang is usually reserved for Rosh Chodesh. I am educating Gabais now. One time, the Gabai tried relaying the immediate start by banging the table. Everybody in shul thought it was Rosh Chodesh, and thought they forgot YaAleh vYavo. They all took three steps back and repeated the Amidah. That took another five minutes. Then, when I started the 'vTechezana' verse in the repetition, they all shouted 'YaAleh vYavo!'

If There is a Rabbi Wait
How long? A very long time.
After you have waited the amount of time it would take you to finish Musaf on Yom Kippur, it is probably time to start. Wait till you're spaced out and ready to go back to bed. At the point, you should start. The rabbi might have taken his three steps back. You'll hear a lot of loud huffs and you'll receive a lot of disappointed looks. Don't take it personally. They're mad at themselves for hiring the rabbi.

Grunts and Throat Clearing
They're trying to get your attention and you somehow didn't understand the blink. Now, the congregation is grunting. One guy is screaming 'GO!' And you're still up there thinking you should wait for the one guy who feels it's important to pray silently till noon.
I just saw it today. They gave everything to the guy. The rabbi finished the Shema real loud. Twice. That's a sign. They even banged his table. And he still didn't get it. They grunted more and he turned around and asked people if they were OK. A guy had to go over to him, put his push hand on his shoulder and say 'go.' And then he waited till he got more grunts.

Conclusion
Good luck. It gets complicated. I wish I could tell you exactly when to start the repetition. I can't. Study the congregation. It's hard to tell whether it's a sign or the guy is just adjusting his Kippah. Sometimes, a sneeze means you should start the Chazaras HaShatz. Again, any movement other than a guy taking off his Tefillin means to start. If a cough comes right after you say the blessing 'Redeemer of Israel,' skip the silent part of the Silent Prayer and do the Silent Prayer out loud.
And get used to messing up your Tefillin. As the Baal Tefillah (Chazin), they make you turn around to see when to start, so that your Tefillin fly off to the side of your face. Nothing is more embarrassing than un-centered Tefillin.
We can pray for better days. BE"H at some point in the near future the Gabai will come to the front to kindly tell you to start. And you will be able to start the Chazaras HaShatz at the right time, with people who are happy to be in shul and Tefillin in place.
One thing I do know. If people start pelting you with stuff like paper or Kiddish platters, start the repetition.

I've got to get better at sensing subtlety. I think the congregation is waiting for me to say the Chazaras HaShatz. I just got spat on. I think it's time.

Next time we will talk about how to repeat the Amidah.

Looking good when praying in shul is not easy. It's an art, and few have mastered it. Today we will focus on the art of Davening.
Davening is the correct word. If you're going to be Frum, learn the word. It's not prayer. It's Davening. It's definitely not Tefillah. Tefillah is what nonFrum Israelis do. We're not trying to be Dati Leumi. We're trying to look good at a shul. So, here's how to Daven.

Clapp the Table
Clapp means to hit. You hit the table. Give it a zetz. The shows you know what's going  on. Middle of your prayers, randomly smack a table. You don't have to wait for the Gabi to do this. You hit a table and you show you're making decisions, appointing yourself the Gabai.
You can never hit the table too much. Hitting a table works for being the first one to answer at Shomer Shabbis game shows. At worst, they'll think you're starting a Nigun. And everybody loves breaking into song during the silent Amidah prayer.

Know When To Be Loud
When you say 'LMan Tizkru' in the Shema prayer, be loud and schlep out the 'z.' It just looks good. When saying the words 'Ya'aleh vYavo' in the Amidah, be loud. It shows you remembered it's Rosh Chodesh and that looks good. You get holy status right away for that. However, be sure to be the first Ya'aleh vYavo guy. The first guy to reach it is the only one who gets credit. Hence, I suggest to skip the first half of the Amidah and just say Ya'aleh vYavo as fast as you can.

Know When to Yell At People
Guy reading the Torah messes up a word, yell at him. This is very important. Most people just yell the correct words at the guy. That's passive aggressive. I suggest to berate him correctly and call him an idiot. A good line can be, 'You fool. Next time practice. You're killing the Davening... Oy!!!' A loud 'oy' of disapproval can truly help you climb a rung on the shul status stairs to the Bima.
At the end of Davening you can also yell out 'Kiddish.' Truth is you should just be loud whenever you have a chance, and yell at anybody you can. It helps with being noticed. Be very loud and bang things. And remember, the worse somebody else feels, the closer you're bringing them to Gd.

Be Fast When You See Hebrew Letters
Be fast and mumble.
If you're the loser that keeps everybody waiting at Hatarat Nedarim, when a group reads their statement to annul their vows, you're not Frum. You might have grown up in a Frum family but you're not Frum. You enunciate too much.
Never enunciate. Good Jews mumble when they talk. This way it always looks like they're praying, even when they are having a conversation.

Sing Whatever You Know
Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul knows the tunes. Come to think of it, they must all think they're harmonizing. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. They're just singing different songs. It's horrendous.
U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. Don't worry. If you stick to 80s pop music it will sound good. Most of the harmony in shul is a beat off and not to the tune anyways.
 
Close Your Eyes
It will look like you are very penitent. Do not worry about knowing words here either. There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at in the Siddur, and that is spiritual.
 
Show Up Late
That shows you're comfortable in shul.

Know the Choreography
You take three steps back and three steps forward when starting and ending the silent Amidah prayer.
Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited by the dance. Do not put your right-hand in. Do not take your right-hand out. You start shaking it all about and people write you off as a somebody who goes clubbing.
 
Go Loud In Your Prayers Every Once in A While
Your praying should have a part where you get higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important. Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes and you are speaking Yiddish. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and penitence sets in.
Do not do this for the silent prayer, unless if you are yelling 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It is silent. Again, follow the other people, if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your winter vacation plans to Florida.

Never Ask Anybody What Page We're On
Look over their shoulder. Peer into their Siddur. Even ruffle their pages. But never ask anybody the page. It's better to flip your Siddur open and have them thinking you're doing Yom Kippur prayers early. If you're in the wrong Parsha in the Chumash, that's OK. They'll think your Frum and you're learning instead of following the Torah reading. Learning is more Frum than following the Torah reading.

I hope this helps. And remember, looking good when Davening has nothing to do with knowing what any words mean. Just move your mouth and know when to get loud. That's enough. You don't have to know Hebrew to use a Hebrew Siddur confidently. And when you walk into that shul, you walk in with confidence and yell at people. And you be the one to hit people with the Tallis. Take the first shot.

Next time we will go into further detail of how to look penitent. We will discuss the main techniques like how to close your eyes and squint correctly, and how to look very serious like a loved one just passed. We will also go into detail as to how to bow correctly.

Many people are scared to go to shul. They say they feel out of place. I am here to tell you 'don't feel out of place.' Everybody feels out of place when Bernie starts telling his jokes again. Here are a few tips for finding your way around shul and understanding the services, looking like you know what is going on, and most importantly, looking good.
Take the knowledge and some of these tips, and you too will look like a regular congregant.
 
Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody
It sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ We do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor.
Some say 'Yashkoyach.' Some say 'Yashkoych.' Some have no idea what they're saying. They just yawn with a strong 'Y' sound in front of it. Better yet. Instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office.
Be sure to say it to everybody. I'm usually sleeping when they call up the people to the Torah. I have no idea who I'm saying Yasher Koyach to. I can't tell you how many people I've given a Yasher Koyach to for going to the bathroom during Torah reading. In Sefardic Jewish tradition, they say ‘Chazak uBrachuch' when somebody comes back from the bathroom.
 
Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat ‘That is My Seat’
By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddish (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Listening to Bernie's jokes is a prerequisite for shul affiliation.
To note, the best practice is to say, 'You're in my seat.' This way they know you are not friendly, and they are in an unwelcoming atmosphere. Once you get it down you will be part of the inner-circle, and you'll be getting high fives at Kiddish.
And don't worry. If the shul is empty and they sit somewhere else, tell them it's Sid's seat. During the year, you're allowed to kick them out of chairs that people reserve for High Holidays, even if Sid only shows up for Yom Kippur. The goal is discomfort.
 
If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared
The Gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, due to fear.
If you jump out of fear, or a shocked that a ninety year old is going to get violent, you've never been to shul and seen a Gabai mess up the order of the Aliyahs.
You can also bang a table to scare somebody into leaving a seat they feel comfortable in.

Watch Out for the Tallis
The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first with Rabbi David.
When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. These people will not take your safety into account when they're swinging the tassels. They swing them fast and hard and wide. They're going for your face, and they will extend their arms wide if they have to.
This is why everybody bows during Aleiynu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it, already knowing that they hit you earlier when putting it on. This is also why so many Frum Jews wear glasses.
If you get wounded by a Tallis, everybody will know you're a rookie who doesn't know how to slip a tassel, and you're going to look pathetic. Also, if you can, try to injure somebody with your Tallis. The less you have control of your Tallis the more it shows your seasoned understanding of the synagogue.
 
Smile When People Say 'Hi' To You
They are part of the welcoming committee. They don't want to, but they have been appointed to the position of having to be nice to you. Take the meal when they invite you. As a beginner you probably haven’t learned to cook a decent choolante yet. You might as well get something out of their position on the committee.
 
You might end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate around that kind of service. I don't even know if that's Jewish.
Next time we will talk about proper Davening Techniques to look good and penitent. In time, we will also be dealing with Kiddish, proper dress, how to go up to the Torah with a long list of people you want to bless in order to get the congregation mad, and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking.

This interview took place three days before the Chanukah party at the shul.

That's a very nice chair?
It's the committee chair.

You are the head of the committee?
The chair.

Why is it called a chair?
Because the person heading the committee sits in a chair. They don't sit on a stool.

Then they would call it a stool?
You see. Nobody respects people sitting on a stool. They need a chair. That's why I'm the chair.

That's a very nice chair.
Why thank you. Bed Bath and Beyond.

They sell that at Bed Bath and Beyond?
At their online store. Black Friday deal. Very good deals on Black Friday. It was six percent off the suggested retail place.

Should this be a chair, being that it's only for an event?
You want to treat the event with Kavod. Respect.

How did they chose the person to run the event?
The chair?

Yes.
I said yes. I said I will do it, and they said, 'You're the one.'

So. Nobody else wanted to help?
Nope. Nobody else. They don't respect Chanukah. I respect Chanukah.

So, you chaired this all alone?
All alone. Thank Gd. It worked out so much better this way. It was my ideas and my ideas went through the committee. Unlike the Purim party last year, where we argued over whether we should serve Hamentashen or chocolate Danish.

That was an argument?
Four meetings. We sat in there for four meetings. There was a big split in the committee. The argument was that people eat Danish all year. The counter argument was people eat Danish all year. We ended up with a split in the committee. We had to have two different chairs.

Everybody likes chocolate Danish.
Exactly.

What ended up happening at the Purim party?
After much argument, they served latkes.

No Danish?
For Shalom in the shul, people ate the Danish and Hamentashen in their cars. People were running to and from the parking lot the whole Purim party. Especially the drinkers. They had their trunks open, eating Hamentashen.

Tailgating Purim?
They started tailgating everything. It's been a year since we had another committee meeting in the shul. Instead of meetings, people started hanging out outside of shul, drinking and having BBQs.

How did you plan the Chanukah party?
Food. A lot of food.

Anything else?
Activities and chocolate coins. The kids love the chocolate coins. That's an activity. Trying to open them. It can be very challenging to get that first little piece of foil folded over just right to have a clean chocolate approach. You do that wrong, you have to spend the rest of Chanukah cleaning your nails.

Some parents complained about the danger.
They're fools. If you raise a kid that thinks that eating tinfoil is safe, the kid's an idiot. And if they think it's money... These parents have to teach their children about currency.
And that was a fifth grader who ate the tinfoil last year.

I thought it was a toddler who put the chocolate foil in their mouth. It was too small.
That too.
We're going to have chocolate coins again this year. I'm going to make sure it happens.

Did you get any pushback?
There's no one else on the committee.

Are there going to be gifts?
Of course.

What gifts?
Anything from the Dollar Tree. All Chanukah gifts should be from the Dollar Tree.

Any other gifts?
No.

Why not?
A committee decision.

Conclusion
The committee chair also shared the other activities that will be happening. She insisted on the importance of Dreidel games, as this is the time of year our Jewish Kinder learn how to place bets correctly. She was also mad that the Purim committee didn't let the children drink last year. To quote, 'How else will they learn?'
She made sure everybody had a good time. She started off the party with a speech about how everybody should respect Chanukah and the Dreidel game. She said that the Greeks would've cheated.

She was a tough woman. I think she would've overpowered anybody on the committee. 
She was very stern about her ideas of what truly makes a Chanukah gift. She was adamant about the Dollar Tree. Most of the gifts at the Chanukah party were Silly Putty, miniature action figures and dish sponges. Some of the kids at the Chanukah party were not very happy with the laundry detergent pods. They got a 'Shin' on the Dreidel game. It was their fault. The angry kid remarked, 'You get more than two pods at Costco. That's where my mom shops.'
Some of the toddlers were eating the miniature action figures. She told the parents to teach their kids that tiny dolls are not food.

She was sitting in an extremely elaborate chair the whole interview. It was an Eliyahu Bris style looking chair. Very detailed woodwork. I I believe she used much of the budget for that chair. She felt that chairing the committee was the most important part of the event.
There was no Menorah lighting at the event. The budget couldn't cover the Menorah.

​Rabbis are spiritual leaders. Thus, they get asked many questions about Torah laws and how find a decent deal at the grocery. People who can't make decisions come to rabbis. And I have to deal with this.
I have to deal with many of life’s most perplexing questions. Here are some of the questions brought to me by the congregants. Here are some of the questions that deal with our tradition and how I dealt with them.
 
Why Did You Use a Blowtorch To Make Our Kitchen Kosher?
That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken a blowtorch to their microwave. That was dangerous. The rabbinic program should’ve offered a course in welding. The congregants wanted me to pay for their new microwave, and the table that also went up flames. I believe that is what the rabbi’s discretionary fund is for.
 
When Our Son is Getting Called to the Torah, Where Should We Stand?
Those parents wanted to be at the center of everything at that kid’s Bar Mitzvah. When I called up the young boy to the podium, to give him his prayer book in honor of becoming a man, his dad asked me, 'Where is mine?'
The parents left the congregation after being offended by my explanation that each person only gets one Bar Mitzvah. They didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Bar Mitzvahed again with each of their children. To make them feel like they were sharing in the celebration, when they were leaving, I whipped candies at them too.
 
Can You Do My Husband’s Funeral?
I didn’t want to answer that question. I told her that I would rather wait till he is dead before answering that question. I don’t know what her plans were.
 
Is That our Mayser? Does That Count as Our Tithe?
These people were trying to get out of giving charity. They wanted a definition of charity tithing that included their shopping for winter clothes. They explained their case very well. They told me that walking around without clothes would deem them poor, 'thus buying the H&M collection is charity.' They also asked for the shul to underwrite their trip to Hawaii, as poor people can’t afford three-week tropical getaways.
 
Is My Kitchen Kosher?
After tasting the brisket, I could tell you it wasn’t kosher. The meat was too lean.
 
Do I have to Make a Blessing on Mangos?
That guy has been trying to find a way out of every blessing, for years. His reasoning was that they have too big of a pit, and we shouldn’t be making blessings on pits. His reason for why he doesn’t make a blessing on the milk he drinks every morning: he’s lactose intolerant.
 
How Does Your Yarmulke Stay On?
I had no satisfactory answer for this. I can’t tell you how to keep your yarmulke on. For me, practice. Many years of practice. It has taken many years to build up my balancing ability. Even now, when there is wind, I have no idea how any bald man keeps a yarmulke on. I personally use the one-handed yarmulke clampdown.
 
I care and I am here to answer all of your questions to help with your religious needs.

I have been part of the community for years and I am just starting to realize what violent people the members are. It started with a kind hello. It was a physical 'Good Shabbis' hello. Then there was Kiddish. People are violent when there is still meat in the choolante. And if there is ever a decent babka, I've learned to protect myself. And I've noticed other violent people in shul. And don't let age deceive you.
Here is violence you should be aware of and watch out for when going to shul.

They Will Hit You to Say Hi
I don't know what it was. He said 'hello' and hit me. He said 'Duvidel' and whack.
He thinks he’s being friendly by hurting me. Being fun by bruising me. I told him, 'Your friendliness injured me. There's no reason to whale on me to say "Shabbat Shalom." I will have a good Shabbis without getting hurt.' 
Watch out for being liked. I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy. You get hurt being somebody's buddy. When you're a buddy, they punch you. I started to realize, elbows and kicks are all part of being friendly at shul, when you're their buddy.
Close family can hurt you too. They can get violent when you show up to Simchas and they hug real tight. The caring relatives are more dangerous than buddies. I want to be a distant relative to all people. Show up to the party and people are shocked to see me. It's safer to be the one who people think crashed the party, where they're trying to figure out if they recognize you.
I'm the buddy and the close relative and I'm getting nuggies. They love me and I'm getting hurt. I don't like it.

COVID Elbow
I thought that's how people say 'hello' now. No. It's how they hurt you.
They've moved away from the handshake and they now give you an elbow. But these older men at shul are attacking me with their elbows. They have no control. I got one elbow to the chest. He wasn't even my buddy.

Kiddish Elbows
Approaching the Kiddish table? Be ready. Some congregants get violent when it comes to kichel. The closer you get to the choolante, babka and herring, the more viscous they get. And they claim their spot with their elbows. Watch your eyes too. Fran poked me when I got near the Danish. She felt my presence and was worried that her elbow wouldn't be enough to keep me from the pastries.

The Hand Squeeze
They squeeze real hard. Why they try to hurt me when welcoming me, I don't understand.
There's a lot of ego behind the 'Good Shabbis' handshake. One shake with an older member of the shul lasted three minutes. He wanted me to cower. I held on and didn't give in. There was no 'Good Shabbis' said. We just stared at each other squeezing. Finally, when he let go, we walked away. He gave me a little nod. 
After the hand squeeze assault, I saw him walk over to Fran to murmur something. I believe he said, 'We're going to have to watch out for this one at Kiddish. He has a good shake. We're going to have to use our elbows on this one.'

Armrest Elbow Attack
The shared armrest. That's a fight. The guy next to me never looks at me, but he is throwing elbows. 
I believe that the members of the shul think that if they don't acknowledge it, it's as if the violence isn't happening.

Candy Throwers 
Ever thought the people in shul were nice? You weren't Bar Mitzvahed. They throw those candies hard. I never thought a Sunkist jelly candy could hurt so much. That's before Reb Shmuli showed up to my Bar Mitzvah. I never did anything to that man. All I know is that he throws hard and has good aim. 
It might be an in the moment anger caused by the Bar Mitzvah boy making Davening take an extra forty-five minutes, ruining the people's Shabbis. That's the only reason I can think of for whipping candies at a kid, and causing such pain to a Bar Mitzvah boy who spent half a year trying to get the Torah reading down.

Candy Collecting
The kids learn their violence from their parents. They see the candy, watch out, they're throwing elbows too. They'll run over seniors. They will tackle a toddler for a Mike and Ike. They'll slide under your seat and trip you if they have to get to a sour stick.
Be it the Bar Mitzvah candies on the floor, or the line for candies at junior congregation, they're violent and they're throwing elbows.
Martial arts has been encouraged in some circles. Some parents have sent their children to MMA so they can get some decent taffy.

And watch out for rubbing people the wrong way. They will get violent if you provoke them. Every member of the shul parks in the disabled parking spot. If I ever tried to take their disabled parking spot, they would run after me and start whaling punches on me. 
People have to be less violent when coming together to serve God. Until we can stop the aggression, whatever you do in shul, be sure to protect yourself and watch out for elbows. And don't underestimate how strong Fran is when she sees blurberry Danish.

This interview took place in the parking lot when I noticed that there were no spots left near the entrance of the shul. As I was getting out of my car, way down on the other side of the parking lot, Milt drove right up to the shul and took the handicapped parking spot. Ethel was being wheeled in on her walker from way down on the other side of the lot. The shul was packed.

What are you doing here?
​I'm here for Minyin. 

So, why are you...
I can't talk. I've got to run.

Exactly. And I saw you running at the JCC. How did you end up in this spot?
I have a tag.

Do you have a disability?
I'm old.

Old isn't a disability.
Did you see my limp?

But you were running in the gym?
I'm old.

No. Milt. You're in a good shape. You walk to shul on Shabbis.
Gd does that for me. I don't know how it happens. He gives me the strength. Bless Him. The only day he gives me great strength is Shabbis, when I can't drive.

So, the only day you have strength is Shabbis? When you can't drive.
Praise Gd. B"H.

Did your doctor give you the sticker?
No.

How did you get the disabled parking sticker?
​I inherited it from my wife. 

That was in the inheritance?
​It should've been.

Milt. You don't inherit a hip fracture. You don't get the kids, the house and a broken hip.
My wife passed.

I'm sorry. She should have an Aliyas Nishama. We miss her.
(No response from Milt. I think he was just thinking about the parking spot. He wasn't reminiscing about his wife and how he misses her. His wife was secondary to the conversation. The handicapped parking spot is what matters.)

What about Ethel? She needs a wheelchair and somebody to push her.
She didn't lose her spouse.

She did lose her spouse.
But that expired. Her husband past away twelve years ago. The handicap passes expire.

I am sorry for your loss.
Oh. How I miss her. We were together for so long. The parking sticker is all I have.

Conclusion
We missed almost all of Davening. More important than Minyin is a conversation. Any member of our community will get sidetracked and miss prayers if they get into a conversation.
I had to leave in the middle of Milt's eulogy for the parking spot. I had to go pray.
You can't argue with loss. He lost his wife. He deserves the spot. He didn't feel like she left him with enough. He needed the spot.

When somebody passes, their family gets a parking spot at the shul. That must be the rule. They should turn it into a bereavement spot at shul. Whenever people say Kaddish, they get to park at the spot. It seems that even grandkids inherit disabled parking tags.
Or it can be a seventy and older spot. All the members over seventy seem to have notes from their doctors. If they didn't inherit a good sticker, they get high dose prescription drugs and parking passes from their doctors.
Bereavement or old people spots. If you ask me, the wheelchair is misleading. The people in wheelchairs have to walk from the other end of the lot.

These guys find me everywhere.
The shnurer is the guy that asks you for money. Traditionally, a man you can't avoid. You can't avoid them. I've tried. They pop up everywhere. Once the Jewish community knows you're Jewish, they will find you. And you shouldn't avoid the shnurer. They're making sure you give Tzedaka, to them.
With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, the organizational shnurers have figured out my address. Thus, I have collected many calendars for the 2022-23 season. Nonetheless, it's only the traditional shnurer who comes right up to you when you're eating that I respect. The shnurer who doesn't let boundaries of trespassing get in the way. The shnurer that takes your money and offers you no tax writeoff.
Here are some of the many places they've found me.

Pizza Shops
$2.50 for pizza. A buck for the shnurer. You need an extra dollar per-slice. Budgeted. That's the kosher pizza fee. And they count slices. They see you back at the seat with the second slice you weren't sure about, and they're right on you with a Rav Nachman book.
I say 'pizza shops' because they've found me in every pizza shop I ever ate at. They can sense when you're in the mood for margherita. Even when I'm in the mood for cheese sticks, they know it.
Falafel joints they don't always catch me at. I've had a couple times they didn't find me. Maybe they thought I was an Israeli eating there, and it's not worth it to waste time getting shekels.
Why these guys aren't hitting classier restaurants is an anomaly. 

Shul
I was Davening. He interrupted me. I felt that was rude, and it killed my Kavanah. It's hard to have proper intent with my prayers when they guy next to me is jingling coins. Do shnurers realize how much they ruin Kavanah? It's almost impossible to focus on asking H' for a decent Parnasah, for a decent living, with this guy right there. It's rude. 
I thought I was connecting to God, and then he let me know God didn't care until he got more than a dollar. He wouldn't go. I even offered to pray for him to make a good living. He didn't want that. He wanted another dollar.
And it is bothersome hearing him jingle coins, and then getting a reprimanded for giving him a quarter. If he wants a dollar, then he shouldn't jingle. 

Walking
I thought they were going for a stroll too. They saw my Kippah and they knew it was time to shnur.
I think it's the Kippah. If you're wearing a Kippah outside of shul, they will get you.

Bus Stops
I think the guy was trying to chase people away, so he could get a decent seat. He asked for money, and everybody ran from that stop.

The Kotel
I had already given Tzedaka to the people sitting with Tzedaka boxes. They're not shnurers. Shnurers come to you. Middle of Amidah. Right up to you. If you're moving, they follow. I was taking a drink at the water fountain. Mid-drink, I see the palm of a hand out the corner of my eye.
I feel like it's just a reflex in Jerusalem. Some people have developed a charity ask. You think it's going to be a welcoming hand shake, and then the hand flips over. Real quick, it turns from 'Shalom. Welcome to Israel,' to 'You have any Tzedaka?'

Woke up at a Park
He was right there. He saw the yarmulke. 
The Kippah was covering my eyes. Any Frum Jew knows that a Kippah doubles as an eye mask. That's why the black Kippahs are very popular. They keep out the sun better.

In Line at the Airport
How he afforded the flight. That's still a question. He was a good shnurer though.
I was bothered that he's going on a trip to ask for money. Then I remembered how much vacations cost. It's expensive. No shnurer should have to stay in a hostel.

Shul At the Airport
I thought I would have one Minyin where I would be able to focus. He spent two thousand dollars on that flight to ask me for Tzedaka. He knew. He sensed I was traveling. He also found me at the airport food court. There was pizza there.
No concept of budgeting. The family's vacationing at the beach and the dad is checking sneakers to see who might have some money to give.

At My Seat
I woke up and the guy was right there, blocking the cart.

The Grocery Store
Baked goods. He was there. I pulled out money for groceries. He was there. My car. He was there. There's a fine line between harassment, stalking people, robbery and asking for charity.
He didn't want food. They wanted money. Food can't buy you and your family a trip.

My Front Door
I've stopped answering the door. They pop up there. It's either the mailwoman or this guy who somehow figured out I'm Jewish. Either way, I am losing money. It's the shnurer or a High Holiday appeal with a calendar.
I feel bad lying to them, but I do. 'Do you have money?' 'No.' That's the answer they're getting from me. How I afford rent; not the point. It's not responsible to tell them I have money. My doors open. They'll break right in. It could be a robbery. Just because the guy has a beard, doesn't make him safe. What's under his bekisha? 
​He was there for a while. I gave him money. I was scared.
Side Thought: I'm sure shnurers hit up nonJews when they're going door to door. The good ones must have a sale about joining Jews in heaven. 

Soup Kitchen
I was eating in a soup kitchen. They still asked me for money. I thought I could eat a peaceful lunch there. No.

If you have a Kippah, they will find you. Embrace it. Give some Tzedaka. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. Myself, I will keep praying for the day of redemption, where I can enjoy a peaceful slice of pizza.
If I ever find out what member of the community is letting people know I'm Jewish, I'm knocking on their door. And I will drop a pile of calendars right there.

The Three Weeks are upon us, and we learn the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason. We must hate people basefully. And we have hated many this year, with good reason. They are annoying, and they deserve to be hated. This past year, I have found more annoying people to hate, and they all show up to shul. They're all part of the community.
In the vein of the Three Weeks, join me on this year's journey of finding ways to not hate these people at shul. Hopefully, they'll stop, and we'll have peace. In the meantime, let's work on justifying their behavior, in hopes that we will be able to hate them a bit less by understanding them. 
  
Huge Plate of Desserts, Loaded At Buffet
Oh. That's where it all went. Yes. I'm resentful. They took it all. Yes. There's no more mousse for you.
You must understand. They're thinking about the rest of their table. They're loading up for all the other people at their table, who don't realize they can get up and pick out their own Danish. That's what they told me, when I saw the huge pile of rugulach and a plastic bag in their pocket. 'It's for the table.' 
And why should their friends have to get up to pick out their food? You don't put on weight like that. What would be the point of the buffet then? 
This is why you don't spend Pesach at a hotel, with the community. Forget about Bar Mitzvahs. At Simchas, I don't even try to get the chocolate balls on a stick. One table has them all.
 
Their Siddur in Your Neck at Shul
They didn’t think that putting the prayer book on your chair would be felt by you, when you sat. Sticking the hardcover into your neck. Flipping the pages and your hair. Pushing the Siddur forward and back while they sway.
Why they leave it there, after you give a half-back-neck-turn look is beyond me. The half-back-neck-turn look is a clear admonition. They must have a reason for not caring about you.
For Shalom, peace amongst Jews, I once took the Siddur and smacked them. Education. People hated them less after I smacked them with their Siddur. I do what I can to bring Shalom.
 
Inching Their Plastic Chair Back in Shul
The shul is too poor to afford space and decent chairs.
There's no other way to make room for yourself. They have to push their chair into you, to make room for their Amidah (silent prayer). There isn't enough room for everybody to take three steps back in the section. Do you want them spending half hour piling up the chairs? Do you want to have to be part of an interior design team, figuring out building plans in the middle of prayers, so that the whole section can do the Amidah? 
As long as it's subtle, they're giving you a chance to not assume that they're moving their chair into you.
 
People that Still Get on My Back About COVID
I am sorry if I can't not shake people's hands and hug them. I am sorry if I still can't figure out what six feet is. I am sorry if you have to see my face. I hope that doesn't make me evil. But you've really got to calm down. You're making shul a really annoying place to be, with no membership. You can't get a Minyin if people aren't allowed to come. I'm not a scholar, but I figured that out myself.
You have to understand them. Maybe they're worried that you might be a republican.  

People Who Don't Share Your Political Views
Without them, you couldn't hate anybody. Without them, you couldn't call anybody a fool. Without them, you'd have nothing to post. These are people you should love. 
 
People Who Say ‘I am Offended’
Everybody in shul is offended now. See 'People Who Don't Share Your Political Views.'
I think I offended everybody this year. They were offended by my political beliefs, even though I didn't share my views. Something about the way I look says that I disagree with stupid. And that offends people.
Maybe they weren't educated. Wouldn't you be offended if you tried sharing a thought that made no sense? Wouldn't you be offended if you sponsored a Kiddish and David came to tell you that you shouldn't have purchased eight pounds of Kichel?

Doesn’t Move Away from the Kiddush Table
If they moved away from the table, then you might get to the choolante too. ​You would do the same thing if you got the spot.
 
Any Member of the Community
Hate them. You're going to hate them. Just find a decent reason, so it's not baseless. Maybe they were called up to open the ark, when you should've been. That's a reason to hate. As long as you're at shul, you're trying.

Person Screaming at the Person Reading the Torah
Maybe if the guy gets yelled at and reprimanded, he will prepare more next time. More people should be screaming at the Torah readers.

Guy Messing Up the Torah Reading
Pelt him.
Sorry. I can't find it in me to love him. He's slowing down the services and more time in shul causes more hatred. This is probably what happened at the end of the Second Temple period. The Levites were adding on songs, people were spending extra hours at the sacrifices, and fights broke out because the Gabai messed up whose lamb should be next.

Woman with Huge Hats at Shul
Maybe she's worried about the sun coming inside.

It's hard to not hate these people. I'm trying real hard. And there are more people to hate. It might be jealousy of the people with the huge plate of rugulach and Danish. And jealousy is also forbidden. But we must do what we can to not hate, even if we're stuck with the Kichel. 
Please know that all of these people deserve to be hated. They're the reason that we haven't witnessed the building of the Third Temple. Even so, let's do our part during this time of the Three Weeks, when we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Try not to hate them, so we can bring them closer to normal. Try. And remember, as long as your hatred is baseful, it's fine.
I am trying. I am trying to help bring redemption here. In the spirit of the Three Weeks and Shalom, may we witness a redemption without these annoying people.

Last time, we learned how the board was formed. But how did Rabbi Fishel keep his job? Here is the backstory as to how Rabbi Fishel regained and kept his job.

There were many arguments as to what the best way to face Jerusalem for prayers was. Thus, the board decided they needed another board. The whole town of Chelm was on that board too. They called that board a committee, as many people were confused which board was for what. In the end, this board was called the Jerusalem Prayer Committee. It turned out that Jerusalem Prayer Committee never figured out where to face. So, they ended up facing the same way that the previous generation faced. Nonetheless, they raised much money for Jerusalem, as many of the Chelmites believed that the committee was praying for Jerusalem's wellbeing. And they prayed for Jerusalem and raised money for Jerusalem, but it was still not a fundraiser.

After time it was clear that they needed a rabbi to answer questions that were answered at the meetings with 'ask your rabbi.' Being that the wise men and women didn't have Smicha (rabbinic ordination), they could not answer those questions. Any questions that had an answer that was not 'ask your rabbi,' they were fine answering. And the people on the board answered those questions, and discussed the different answers they gave. And there was still no fundraiser.
It turns out that their answers were disagreements with other people's answers.
Then the idea of Halacha, Jewish law, was introduced to the conversation and all was quite confusing. 

The board couldn’t make a decision as to which rabbi to hire as the rabbi of Chelm. They needed a rabbi for that. And that continued for many years.
It turned out that Rabbi Fishel had a few days left on his yearly contract, when they would ask him the yearly question, 'Who should we hire as rabbi?' Rabbi Fishel was always shocked, 'This is the first question I have been asked since I rebecame the official rabbi.' And Rabbi Fishel kept his job. From then on, Rabbi Fishel had to answer the questions of the people, and he had to answer to the board, which all of the people were on. And the board told Rabbi Fishel that if he answers any questions, they'll fire him. And they said he's worthless; and they accomplished what they set out to do as a board.

Years later, after Rabbi Fishel had answered his first and only question, the board made the decision to finally hire a rabbi who will be their chief rabbi. Again, Rabbi Fishel answered that it should be him. And Rabbi Fishel never got to make another decision, as there was a board, and the board told him that they would fire him if he ever made another decision.
Once Rabbi Fishel was hired as the chief rabbi of Chelm, the board finally figured out how to make decisions. After weeks of meetings, they would go to Rabbi Fishel and pose the question. At first Rabbi Fishel was surprised. But the board said to answer them. To which Rabbi Fishel would answer, and they would say, 'No.' 
To this day, all questions are asked to Rabbi Fishel, and the board answers them. And that is how Rabbi Fishel keeps his job. And everybody on the board loves him.

Epilogue
The rabbi vacations a lot.

Do We Need a Rabbi?
Decisions used to be made by asking the rabbi. However, at the turn of the century, the wise men and women of Chelm heard that rabbis wanted to be paid. Yankel heard this and protested, 'Why should we pay anybody to make decisions? We are wise. Before Rabbi Fishel came, we made decisions. Decision making is our tradition. It's in our blood.' Before more anti-Semitic rhetoric and libels against Jews were declared, Mendel responded, 'But once Rabbi Fishel came, he was making decisions.' And Bayla said, 'You fool.' Sarah Shaindel heard this and acquiesced, 'That’s how we should do it. We will make decisions.' To which all the wise men and women agreed, 'We just made a decision.' And none of it had to do with Torah.
Bayla questioned, 'Should we not ask a rabbi?' Berel the Gabai was taken aback by this question, as were the other wise men and women. 'Are we allowed to make the decision to have a rabbi or not? Should we not ask the rabbi?' So, the wise men and women sat on it for forty days and forty nights, till the rabbi's salary was up for renewal.

Sarah Shaindel climbed the mountain to meditate. It was summer and she wanted to go on a hike. There's a mountain right on the outskirts of town and it's got great scenery.
Over the course of forty days many questions arose in Chelm, such as, 'Do we have to keep Shabbat every week?' Great debate was had, as Shabbat is the day of rest and many people were getting tired due to all of the cooking and preparation they had to do for it. Sarah Shaindel came back and people were expecting an answer. She said, ‘I have nothing, and we are wise.’

Mendel came in, as the fool always does, and said that only a rabbi can answer these questions. The wise men and women retorted, 'You fool. We answer questions all the time.' To which Mendel said, 'Not correctly.' To which the wise men and women said, 'You are correct.' But questions arose as to whether or not that was the right answer.
After forty more days, the question still remained. And Mendel exclaimed, 'Only a rabbi can answer that question.' So, they rehired Rabbi Fishel to answer the question. How they first rehired Rabbi Fishel is a debate to this day, as that was a decision the rabbi had to make.

Rabbi Fishel's contract was up every year, as they were still not sure if the decision to hire a rabbi was a decision that they were allowed to make. It is possible that only a rabbi can make that decision.
At this point of decision making, the wise men and women realized how wise this new generation of wise men and women of Chelm are. And so it was. They decided that they needed a new rabbi to field all their questions, and they decided that they, the wise men and women, would answer them. And that is how the board was formed. 

What is a Board?
Decisions had to be made. This new way of Jewish community establishment forced the shul to be taken over by community members and fundraisers. After much talk, it was decided that smart people do fundraisers, because people wear suits during the week to them. Not knowing what a fundraiser was, or how to pay the rabbi, somebody told them they must create a board.

The wise men and women exclaimed the brilliance of this idea of the board.
'What is a board?' asked Sarah Shaindel. Yankel, who had spent time at university and Yeshiva in Israel guided, 'A board is people who meet to make decisions.' 'But every one of us has made decisions, ever since Chelm was founded back before I was born,' added Duvidel. Berel, the Gabai and sexton, decided, 'Well. We have our answer. We will all be on the board.' And thus, the new generation of Chelm's board assembled. And all of the people of Chelm were on the board. And no decisions were made. 
They tried to figure out who the president should be, so they asked, 'Who hates the rabbi?' 

And the question arose, 'We are wise. Why do we need a board?' To which Berel the Gabai answered, 'To have meetings.' And Fayge responded, 'Our Gabai is so wise.'

How Do We Make Decisions?
There was no answer to that question.
The board met weekly to discuss and resolves issues. And they discussed for hours, in what was called a meeting. And everybody shared their opinions. And they met weekly to discuss and resolve issues. And they continued to meet weekly, and they discussed. The same questions every week. And for years nothing was resolved. And no decisions were made as to the fundraiser. And Yankel said, 'We have a board.'
So they sat in more meetings. And Bayla said, 'These meetings are very important. All board members must show to the meetings.' And all of Chelm showed to the meetings, and no decisions were made.
 
Epilogue
Many people wanted to leave the board once their tenure in office was up. The board told the people that they are still on the board. To quote, 'You are still citizens of Chelm. You are wise. You should also share your opinion on everything.' And so, everybody remained on the board, even when they had no position, and shared their opinion.
Meetings took days, as everybody said their opinion is important.
There were thousands of secretary positions. Secretary of greenery. Secretary of greetings. Secretary of people. Secretary of homes. The list includes, secretary of books. I believe that was the librarian. They changed jobs into secretary positions. Secretary of convenience was the guy with the bodega. The youth director holds the chair as secretary of children.
Now, everybody in Chelm is important, and the rabbi cannot tell them what to do.
The rabbi once thought to make a decision, after much discussion of the wise men and women. The decision was then made to tell the rabbi to not talk.
To this day, the only decision made is to have a rabbi, and the wise men and women of Chelm regret that.

Shul Announcements
•Mazel Tov to Dr. and Dr. Mendelwitz on the birth of their new granddaughter they won't see for the next year and a half, as their daughter hasn't visited Topeka since she needed more funds for college. We would appreciate it if you did pay your dues.
•The shul softball has been cancelled, due to lack of decent athletes in our synagogue. As Felvel said, 'It's a Chilul H' to see you people play sports.'
•No more taking coats from the coat room, unless if they are yours. If anybody stole Rivka's coat, please return it. We have no idea where Fran got the new coat. It is very similar to Rivka's maxi coat, and it is big on Fran.
•The rabbi's class in 'The Hidden Torah Because You Don't Open a Sefer and Learn It' this week cannot be attended by Bernie, due to rabbi’s request.
•No taking all the Kichel from the Kiddish table. We understand some of the older members are teething. Even so, some under eighty-five enjoy Kichel.
 
Rabbi Mendelcehm’s Sermon Excerpt
 
Shabbat Shalom To All Who Criticized Me Last Week… Yes. That’s to all of you…
 
Much sinning. Lashon Hara… I have never heard a conversation not about me. I understand I’m the rabbi… You stole my coat too... Taking coats from the coatroom is stealing. Even if it’s a similar jacket. It's a sin… They don’t make them Hefker when they use a hanger. They did not deem their property ownerless, because they didn’t want to wear their trench into the sanctuary... I know that it's an open area. Did you take my Sefer? No. You did not take my Torah book, because you don't learn. You leave the coat in a coatroom and assume it's not going to be taken... And not being in shape enough to play softball… Taking care of your body is a Mitzvah. As is not eating eight pounds of Kichel at Kiddish… It’s softball. Do you know how out of shape you have to be to not be able to play softball?
The question is how does this shul repent.
(Vayikra 9:7) Moshe said to Ahron. ‘Come to the Altar and do your sin offering, and your burn offering, atoning for yourself and the people. And perform the sacrifice of the people, atoning for them…’ Yes. The Lord commanded it…
 
First be decent, Bernie… I know you focus on others. That’s great. Aharon has to atone for himself first... I would assume you have stuff to atone for... Right there. Interrupting me. Atonement...
You have to be decent before making decisions for others. Our president is not decent. Focus on yourself first… I know you focus on my sins as a rabbi who teaches classes and visits the sick… How about you first atone for yourself and visit the sick… I know they’re sick. That's why you visit... So you catch something. Now we have to get rid of Bikur Cholim. Visiting the sick isn't a positive thing to do anymore. Just lock them up so they can be more depressed... Maybe if you were in shape...
Yes. The Lord commanded it… I have to explain that too... How about Bernie read the Torah Portion and atone for not learning Torah… Yes. It’s a Mitzvah. You wouldn’t know that, because that Mitzvah is in the Torah, and you don't learn it to.
 
Rashi explains the word ‘Krav,’ approach, come to. ‘Aharon was bashful and feared to approach. Moshe said to him, “Why are you bashful? For this you were chosen.”’
You should be bashful. This congregation needs a bit of relcutance. A little humility would go along way. We wouldn't have this gauty window and art work if… It got Aharon the Kehuna...
 
Don’t be bashful when it’s your calling. You’re very bashful when giving Tzedakah. Never give it. A lot of humility when you're donating to the shul... Thelma. You didn't even give for Matanot LaEvyonim. Gifts for the poor on Purim... A dollar is not a gift. Very bashful with your money...
No need for humility when it’s your thing. When it's a commandment. When it's a Mitzvah that you're called upon to do. You think I like giving sermons. You need it. You need to be told...
Bernie and Hymie and Saul and Merv should be bashful. The back left should be bashful. The way you lost the softball game... Your socks need bashfulness. Why all the annoying designs. And they're flashy. Right in our face... Socks need bashfulness. Running to do a Mitzvah doesn't need...
Exercise. Assume you're not in shape. Assume your wife is not attracted to you...
 
'Atoning for yourself and the people.’ Aharon, becoming a better person and focusing on himself, atones for others as well… Work on your softball game and we might be a better team and not look pathetic… Yes. Get in shape.
That doesn’t mean ‘you’ve got to do you.’ That means ‘you’ve got to be the best you’… What’s with this ‘you do you?’ That’s not Jewish to be selfish… It’s about being the best you for the community and not stealing people’s coats… You can start atoning by returning the jacket.
 
You focus on me.... What am I doing? Rebuking. That’s what my calling is… I don’t speak Lashon Hara about you. I rebuke you. A big difference. I tell you how annoying you are...
When you find your calling, it’s also good for everybody else... If you don't force the congregation to have to see this piece of... It's the worst work of art for a shul. It has a fluorescent purple hue. It goes with the quilt on the Ark. All messed up...
 
Don't mess up anymore. That's how you atone... No. You can't atone for me...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Visiting the sick isn't a Mitzvah anymore. COVID killed Bikur Cholim. It seems like nobody in our shul cares about anybody that is not at shul. 'They don't show to shul it's on them... Can't walk. Their fault they got old... Let them die alone. They're sick. I don't want to catch old...' They're all worried about catching whatever the old people have. So, now the old people are stuck, alone, with their disease. Age.
Everybody in the congregations assumes they're perfect. I don't think one guy in this shul has ever sinned. Ask them. It's not a sin. I don't even know why they come on Yom Kippur. I think they come to find out who the ones that sinned are. They see who is crying and they castagate the penitent one who incriminated themself.

The art of the quilt and whatever that purple sun thing is are all very messed up. There seems to be a thing in our community where people get lavish gifts that they have to use. The Feinwitz family can't even get a TV, because their in-laws forced a painting on them. That takes up the den, and they can't get rid of it, as the in-laws will be offended. The husband blames the wife's parents for it, and the wife blames the husband's parents for it. Don't get me started on the huge Chanukiah in the Bergman home. The Vergstein family gave them that as a housewarming gift; which decorated their whole dining room for them, without their permission. So, now the shul is stuck with this stuff.

 
Some of the kids didn’t get the correct message. They started a rock band and made it a point to perform without their shirts. They said it was a Jewish rock band and it's their calling. They could’ve at least performed with their Tzitzis.
Bashfulness of socks would be appreciated by all. I can't stand having to see these kids with pants coming down to their shin, with these multi-colored annoyance I have to see. I say we kick the twenty year olds out of the shul.

The shul needs to place security at the coat racks. The guard is at the entrance to the building. The criminals, like Fran, Hymie and Merv are stealing from the coatroom. I don’t know if it’s a safety measure. If somebody did try to take Hymie’s coat that wasn’t his, from him, it might get violent. I don’t know. Hats have also went missing.
 
The rabbi’s announcement from his seat at the end of Davening was not inspired. He just said, 'Adon Olam and Hatikva.' The final prayer and Israel's anthem were about to come and he just said their names. No page. Half the people probably didn't even realize it was an announcement. I think he just gave up.

​Rabbi tried talking to the Millennials and Gen Zers. They were offended. Just hearing the rabbi talk offended them. It turns out that anything that is related to the Torah offends them. That means the rabbi offends them. Just seeing him. Seeing a Torah covered, not allowing it to breath, offends them. They were offended by themselves coming to listen to the rabbi. Once the rabbi said 'Torah' it was over. 

We ended up kicking them out of the shul. We have a new rule: Nobody between the ages of fourteen and forty-five are allowed at shul.
 
Leo's Kosher Deli is doing well, being that nobody has come there over the past year. Leo needed a break and he's happy not having to see any of the community.
We're trying to get him to reopen. Leo said, 'As long as I don't have to see people, I will happily run the deli.'
He also seems to be angry with the Kosher guys. He doesn't understand the job of Kosher supervision. The guy is a supervisor. He's a Kosher watcher over. He watches over. Leo wants him to work. Rabbi Mendelchem explained that his job is to not work. Leo doesn't like that. He's also trying to figure out how a fifteen year old landed a job where he doesn't have to work.
In the meantime, our community has Kosher all messed up. We have some members of our shul using blue for meat. What kind of a heretic uses blue for meat? Blue is dairy. Red is meat. The Feinblums don't know this. Biggest mistake ever made at a Kiddish is the Feinblums sharing this. Now we know why some of the blue silverware was 16-karat gold.
How decent silverware got mixed into the dairy is an anomaly. At least it was till the Feinblums solved the mystery with their heresy. Now, nobody wants to eat in our shul. Every good Jew knows that you never use good silverware or china for dairy. It's stainless steal or plastic. The best Jews use plastic for everything. Now I know why nobody trusts the level of Kosher in our shul.
Leo's is doing fine, as he only uses plastic silverware. As he says, 'It's less service.' People trust him. We call it plastic silverware, as it sounds classier. The classiest is the silver covered plastic. That's when you know you're eating by people with class.
The Gen Zers were offended by Kosher. They were offended by laws. Just having laws offends them.
 
Kiddish conversations have been on the down-low. The congregants decided to stop smiling. Not smiling keeps people away. Looking very unfriendly is a great way to ensure that you have space at the Kiddish table. 
I am happy not speaking to couples. Couples talking is annoying. Got to hear the stories. Got to hear about how they met, their trips, those stories where they end up love slapping the other's arm. Now, I don't need to find an excuse to get out of there. Cute couples talking bothers me.
 
Biggest news this week. Mike picked up a two liter Kedem Grape Juice for $6.50. Wouldn't stop talking about it. At the local butcher it was $13.
 
Youth programming has been a big topic at the shul. Not one person brought up programming for the elderly. No programming for older people. We need older people groups. Not just a youth groups. It would be good if the older people left shul too. 
People didn't even discuss the sick. They just said, 'Let the sick be the sick and let the older people die.' That's what I heard.
 
Mazel Tovs: The Simchasteins had two grandchildren. Their smiles bothered everybody, as if they were rubbing it in. There were a bunch of birthdays. We've got to stop announcing birthdays. Either we announce birthdays or Simchas. Can't do both.
I propose only announcing birthdays that are connected to Simchas. Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs. A kid reaches eight days old. Ninety. We announced Bella's ninetieth. I was fine with that. That's a birthday to announce. That's a Simcha of surviving this community.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
Shabbat Shalom My Cattle… My herd is fine too.
 
(Shemot 38:21) ‘These are the reckonings of the Mishkan (the Tabernacle)…’ It’s the English translation… I don’t know what a Tabernacle is either… So, we’ll call it the Mishkan… Because it’s the Mishkan, Bernie…
In the Mishkan, there were reckonings. There was counting. There was accountability. They had to follow a plan. The shul board didn’t mess it up. They couldn't. Betzalel was on top of them… Baruch. You can’t even figure out your income. Bookkeeping is a problem in this community… The only smart financial move made the past week is Mike’s deal he found at Tinoli’s Supermarket… $6.50 for a two-liter bottle of Kedem is amazing. Good job Mike. You should be reckoning for the shul. You'll reckon a better kitchen for us. You'll save money for us with your penchant for sales. You should probably reckon Baruch's taxes...
 
They weighed the ‘gold, the silver and the copper, and counted all the vessels for all the work’ (Rashi). We can’t even find a serving spoon for the choolante… Accountability, Bernie.
Service platters are all over. We can’t find a thing. The Kosher is setup wrong… You don’t use a blue marker for the meat… Now we have no idea what's meat. It's reckoned all wrong. We can't even use any of them for Kiddish work... Kiddish is holy work, and we have messed up blue vessels...
She’s a fool. She used the red for dairy. I know. It’s messed up. Now everybody’s afraid to eat in the shul… Because you reckoned wrong. It’s wrecked.
No accountability. No reckoning...

The shul president is no Betzalel Ben Uri Ben Chur… Do you even know the name of your great-grandfather, Fred?... When he got called up to the Torah, he might have tagged on that extra generation… We’d have to send emissaries to Ellis Island, and get research teams on the grounds in Europe, just to get through Revi'i... Because nobody has ever reckoned anything here. You have no idea who your ancestors are. You don't even know who showed up to the shul BBQ... Where are the utensils? Nobody knows. Exactly.
Do we have an Ohaliav?... Exactly. Nobody names their children Ohaliav. You should start… He reckoned right. (Shemot 38:23) ‘Ohaliav the son of Achismach of the tribe of Dan, a carver, a weaver, an embroider of turquoise, purple and scarlet wool, and linen.’ He did it all. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t say, ‘This should be the program for older people.’ There were professionals… Crocheting is fine. Painting is also good. But not when it’s the piece that is hanging in the front hall… Or the cloth quilt covering the ark… Renovations is not a good program for older people. Look… We need people who reckon with talent...
Then why are they on the committee. We need people with talent to work on stuff… Then hire a handyman. The bathroom stall’s door is still flimsy as anything… You hire a guy with no talent. Worse, a volunteer with no talent, who doesn't reckon... Because there is no accounting, they thought they were fixing a leak...
 
The materials were a lot. People donated stuff... No plaques, even with the silver and gold. They just donated, Sheril. (Shemot 38:24-31). A lot of talents… This wasn’t a sing along. It was talents of gold, silver… It’s a weight… I would rather see that then to have to see Menachem at another violin recital. I don’t know if we can call that a talent…
The talent is exciting because they did stuff with it. They made the pegs, the sockets… A hundred talents of silver from the community. And then another 1,775 shekels… We can’t even get a decent person. One decent community member. One person to go to the hardware store and pick up brackets… The shekels had a better exchange back then. Inflation…
​
We need a plan. We need better organization. We need for Fred to not be the president.
(Shemot 38:27-31) They were the sockets for the Sanctuary… And more. Sockets for the Sanctuary, the holy,
And then copper used for the Tent of meeting and the copper altar and the vessels… Copper works for vessels. And they didn’t paint them blue… Because they weren’t dairy… It was a copper altar. You use copper for the copper altar. Not gold or silver… Because it was a copper altar, Bernie!
A lot of sockets. They made the holes of what held everything together with the community donations… What held it together? Staves. Rods. Stuff you stick through it… They were holy sockets. Like you. You are holy sockets. Sockets waiting to be filled. Filled with reckons...
 
Community is like a hole. We put everything in and we make holes. You did that with the new renovations. A lot of holes. The question is, what is going to hold it together…
Souls hold it together. A decent contractor holds things together. Not the senior citizens of our shul... No. You do programs for them. You don't ask them to do renovations. If they can't paint... Paint night was messed up. Our members missed the canvas. We're not looking to paint the floor... Our shul doesn't need splatter. It's not a Warhol.
 
The individuals are holes. When we come together and do something positive… I said to do something positive. Not like Menachem’s violin playing. Not like the community theater production of Little Mermaid… It was Tzanuah. Very modest. We all appreciated that. Fran was a great mermaid. It was an excellent call by the director…
What holds the holes together? That’s coming together… I am staying away from renovations and building supplies, because there is too much contention right now. Renovations makes holes… Our shul board holds nothing together. We know we can’t depend on them.
What are going to be our rods?... $6.50 for grape juice can do it.
 
We need to bring the holes in the kitchen together… Throw out all the vessels… No idea what red means anymore… It’s like blue scarlet. The vessels make no sense… You didn’t reckon. You wrecked it. The blue marks are holes in the Fleishiks (the meat)...
The way to fix it is by saying 'Shalom.' Greeting people bonds us together. Shalom is the stick... It's a figurative rod. Shalom doesn't mean rod... Somebody has to reckon Hebrew lessons in this shul.
 
The beautiful community focus on Tehillim. We all come together. I love it. Everywhere they come together for huge Tehillim prayer gatherings. Except our shul… You don’t even care.
There’s a war… Somewhere, there is a war.
 
Let’s focus on clothes. On looking decent. If people looked good, maybe we would come together… At least you would want to be seen in the shul. If you washed that shirt... It was white. Iron the thing... (Shemot 39:1) The turquoise and purple and scarlet wool made the clothes to serve in the Sanctuary, and Aharon’s clothes… It’s kind of hard to feel together and… You dress decently for shul. For service in our sanctuary. You build right. Get the right people on the project. Not Sam… You dress right. It’s hard to have Kavana when your Chazin is all disheveled… It’s not white. That gown is off white. It’s stained… How about less white... Nobody here can keep anything white.
The sockets were clean. Not full dust, like the ledges... They are holes in our shul that need to be held together. With love...
 
We must start reckoning better. I reckon we come together more often. We join as one. We take all the holes and bring them together as one. But with reckoning. Together, properly, using strengths, not the board's ideas... The board comes up with ideas and it just makes holes. Unclean holes... Because you can't even get somebody to clean the shul. Reckon that...
 
(Shemot 38:21) ‘… That was reckoned by Moshe’s word. The work of the Levites…’
The didn’t mess up because they listened to Moshe. They’re leader… You have not listened to me. There is still no program for the elderly… Minyin doesn’t count. They don’t show up… Reckon right.
 
Does everything have to be youth? Does nobody care about the older people… Not talking about using them for labor... Adult labor is almost as bad as child labor... The old people are annoying, but we should still care about them. We do teenage programming. Are the teens not annoying? Are Chanan and the singles not annoying… Then we should do a Dor LDor. A generation to generation program... This way the kids will know about the holes in the community and Sadie, the only one who holds them together with her choolante, and why they don't want to come to shul.
The kids will know how things used to be reckoned. They will learn what goes into community… Hymie and Bernie cannot attend. Only Fran and Sadie… Saul can go too… We don’t want to kill their hopes of a future, Bernie. You will bring them down.
They will have a sad Purim.
 
Will we get a bookkeeper for the shul? Somebody to ensure we don't go into debt with our next Purim party... There is no reckoning in this shul... It's all wrecked... We're broke. I don't know how to stick a stave in the hole of our bank account...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
I think everybody knows what reckoning means now. It was a good focus for the Sermon.
We need accountability. If we're accountable, we can do things right. We can look good. Individuals can look good. As the rabbi said, 'If we just got rid of the board.' It's like that New York broken glass thing, where they cleaned up the graffiti and there was less crime. Crime in our shul would drop if it was cleaner. If we were organized, there would be less Chumashim (The Five Books) being taken out. And they never bring them back, so it's stealing. Stealing is a crime. All because there is no reckoning.
A shul needs reckoning. If we reckoned. If we had a decent board, and the office did their work, we would have talented people doing the work we reckoned too. When a community is reckoned, it is proper. And we need decorum in shul that makes sense. Right now, the decorum is to wear what you want and pin your artwork wherever you want in the  shul. No reckoning.

We're all holes. We need strong sockets and staves to hold us together. To make us a reckoned community. 
Why the rabbi had to tell people to start being friendly, and saying 'hi' again, is beyond me. He has killed Kiddishes for me.

A lot of reckonings this week. Turns out there is a lot of stuff the shul doesn’t need. Nothing has been reckoned recently. 
It turns out the shul has not done any reckoning for many years. We’re in debt and we didn’t know it. Ignorance is not always bliss. Not when heating goes out in the middle of Musaf. We finally figured out why the heat has been off, and the plow stopped coming. Bills. We’ve got to reckon bills.
We reckoned the Mazel Tovs. There are a lot of kids that nobody cared about at their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.
 
The rabbi has decided to leave all Mazel Tovs out of his speech recently. As he said, 'There is no Mazel in this shul. There aren't enough staves.' People tried helping by bringing their broom sticks, but the rabbi refused Mazels.
Mazel Tovs have been relegated to announcements. Even Bar Mitzvahs are just mentioned in announcements. The family has to find their own way of expressing joy with the relatives that are sitting with them, from overseas, in the front row.
Last week the president's announcement was, 'Look in the bulletin. Naftali celebrated his Bar Mitzvah today. If you didn't notice.' And then, when they hear there's a Kiddish, you can see the people in the shul smile, and they shout 'Mazel Tov.' Then, they get to Kiddish and stop smiling. It's easier to not say 'Shabbat Shalom' when you don't smile, too.
The new rule is that the rabbi will only mention the Simcha, celebration, in his sermon, if there is a large Kiddish. You need kugels, choolante, cakes, drinks, soft and alcohol, salads, tune salad and egg salad, coleslaw. The list goes on. Multiple kugels was mentioned as a necessity by the rabbi. Included must be lokshen kugel, potato kugel, apple kugel. Rabbi specifically mentioned coleslaw. He said it's a good topping for everything Jewish. The Gen Zers were offended by the word 'Jewish.'

The rabbi did a great job of educating about the Copper Altar being made of copper. It was very educational.
 
People felt the speech was impassioned. It hit everybody in the heart. Now the congregants feel like they have holes in their hearts. A bunch of holes in the shul.
The people have no idea how to put together the holes, but they feel like they have holes. A lot of holes. As Pinchas said, ‘We are each a hole.’
The hope of coming together for anything more than Tehillim, for the holes, is for not. It was a very touching sermon with hope that depressed everybody.

Some felt the hole was not knowing their ancestors. Trips of members were planned all over the world to find their families, but they didn’t know who their families were. So it was just destination trips to where there families might have come from.
It turns out, after they let us know what they saw on their ancestor trips, everybody looks American.
 
Talk got around the Feinblum’s dairy red. Can't eat in their house anymore.
The shul's kitchen also wasn't reckoned. They used a blue for meat. Mrs. Feinblum got into the kitchen, and caused that problem.
Everybody now knows, red is for meat. It’s simple. Those are the Kosher laws. Red is for meat. Blue is for dairy. That's the law. Everything else in Kosher falls into that. The rabbi is looking for the source in the Torah where it says blue is dairy, and green is Pareve. He said he will find it.
 
Nobody ate in the shul for a few weeks, other than the ones who only keep Kosher in the home. We started using paper plates, till we got somebody to rub the paint off the dishes. Then everybody started eating again, and we still used paper plates. It's much easier for the sisterhood, and we are sure the environment appreciates that.
 
The rabbi's lesson of filling the holes in the shul didn't hit most of the congregants right. I think most of them fell asleep during the sermon. The concept of spackling didn't even dawn on the board, as a way to fix holes. Much of the board was focused on the destruction of Jerusalem, as their argument for the poor renovations.
Donations were stopped as people kept on giving books and not money. We got copper, which nobody knew how to use. Even the Machatzit HaShekel, half shekels given around the time of Purim, came in the form of people dropping stuff off at the shul, they don't need. 
One person dropped off a book with a swastika. Said it was a Jewish book about how bad the Nazis were. It was still offensive. For some reason, it was still offensive. They said they wanted to get rid of the hole in their house.
 
Right after Shabbis, everybody went to Tinoli’s Supermarket. They ran out of Kedem grape juice. Worst deal. Just a waste of money on gas. A day later, Costco had three liter bottles for $4.50. Everybody was mad at Mike for all the excitement he caused. That same day, Tinoli's was restocked with grape juice. Our whole shul returned their bottles. It was like a shul event. It was either a shul event or a Tinoli's protest, for their sales prices. It was definitely the most attended shul event of the year. The board put it in the books as a success.
 
It was clear from the response of the membership that they didn’t want to do anything for the older people. The board decided that the programming for anybody above sixty should be dues and donations.
Leah brought up a class on how to write a proper will as a program. Everybody thought that was a great idea. The focus was where the shul belongs on the page.
The Dor LDor, generation to generation, program didn’t work out. The seniors said something about not being on phones the whole time. That caused a ruckus. I have never heard Sadie curse, but she said something about 'these Gen Z and millennial ---edy ---- ---- selfish ----s.'

​Nothing was mentioned about the war. The rabbi figured that there is enough destruction in the Ukraine now. If anybody from our shul got involved, they would just cause more damage. He used the shul's renovations to express his point. 
We are praying that this Purim, Frank's drunkenness doesn't destroy more of the shul.

Shalom
Good Shabbis

It's not Shabbis.
That's how I greet people. It's a shul. It makes people feel good when they hear 'Good Shabbis.'

But it's not Shabbis.
Because you're not religious.

But I am religious.
If you don't say 'Good Shabbis,' you're not religious. If you say 'Shabbat Shalom' and you don't live in Israel...
Let's talk about you. We can talk about my connection with Gd later. Though, I feel very judged right now, for using Hebrew as a Jew.

Do you want to be called the Gabai or the Sexton?
Mark.

What's your job?
I work in the shmata business. I sell rags. Used rags.

What's your job as the Gabai?
Everything the rabbi doesn't do.

What does that consist of?
Everything. The rabbi does nothing. Ask any congregant in this shul. The rabbi does nothing.

Then why do you pay him?
He leads the services. He gives speeches. He counsels people. He consols people. He's the rabbi.

So he does a lot.
He does nothing.

What is your main job?
Selling shmatas. I actually started my own line. Shamatas for Jew. Was going to say 'for you.' People love that pun. Jew instead of you.

It's not a pun.
Close enough.

What's your main job, that the rabbi doesn't do?
I call the people up to the Torah. I choose them. And then I call them up. I'm very important.

Do you also say the blessing?
No. They don't trust me with that.

Why don't they pay you?
My mom always said, 'A good Jew shouldn't work with Jews.' So, I don't get paid and I yell at them.

How do you choose who to call up?
Money. If they have money.

How do you tell?
If they're giving money to Tzedakah. I wait till the charity Pushke box comes out. Then I make my decision. I never call up somebody who puts coins in the Pushke. Only dollar bills.

You watch them?
Yes I do. This helps me with the Shmatas. I know who can afford a decent Shmata.

But they can't give money on Shabbat. How do you tell on Shabbat?
Usually, I base it on their clothes. If they have a nice tie. That's how I choose.
If somebody doesn't have nice shoes, there's no way they're going to donate anything to the shul. I don't call them up. Even if they say a Mishebeyrach. They're going to forget to pay after Shabbis.

Who do you not call up?
Anybody with penny loafers.

Why not?
They haven't bought new shoes in thirty years. The shul can't invest in Aliyahs like that.
No loafers are allowed on my Bima. If they wear the loafers because they sail, then I know they're not religious. 

What's the Bima?
You're standing on it.

Do you ever call up non-religious people to the Torah?
If they have a lot of money.

Would you consider calling up somebody who doesn't have money?
If he has good stock tips. That's the only way.

Do people ever get mad at you?
All the time.

How do you choose who opens the ark?
If they seem to have pulling capabilities. I never call up Max. He always pulls the left string. He can be closing the ark for ten minutes. My job is to get people up to the Torah and get them out.

How do you pick the person for Galilah, to roll the Torah?
If they're very weak. If they can't lift a Torah, I call them up for Galilah and tell them to start hitting the gym.

Why?
It's pathetic to have these weak guys in shul. They don't even learn Torah. If they're learning, then they have a reason to not workout. And I get kickbacks from the trainer.

Any advice for the Jewish people?
Don't be like Mr. Himelstein. He's annoying and always complains about who I'm calling up to the Torah. Tell Mr. Himlestein to invest his money better, and he'll get an Aliyah.
And workout. We have enough weak people to do Galilah.

Shalom
Good Shabbis.

Good Shabbis
Good Yom Tif.

Author's Thoughts on Interview
Being told 'Good Shabbis' did make me feel good. It made me feel like I was a good Jew, even in the middle of the week. Then the 'Good Yom Tif' was a topper. Everybody likes the holidays.
This Gabai knows how to make people feel good. He also knows how to make people feel bad. Being told I wasn't a good religious Jew didn't make me feel good.
It's great to have learned the methods behind why he doesn't call up people. I'm not setting up Chanan. He hasn't been called up for an Aliyah since his Bar Mitzvah. He definitely doesn't have a good job. I'm sure the Gabai's seen his tax returns.
I now understand why the rabbi wants out of the shul. 

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done that can incriminate him in Israel.

The organization is going to get more money out of you. They do that with what they call the (you put in the name of the organization) dinner. Every nonprofit has it. It can be at the pizza joint, they'll have their yearly dinner. They take a piece of schnitzel they got for three dollars and upcharge you 30,000%. They know you wouldn't pay $800 for a piece of schnitzel if there wasn't a reason. They need to sell you on this. 
To sell you at the dinner, they use people they call honorees. The honorees is how they get you to come. Here is how they will use them. Be ready.

Save the Date
The first sign somebody is going to be taking your money.
They tell you to save the date. Stay away from anything that says ‘Save the Date.’ That means something expensive is coming up. If you get one of these, pretend you didn’t see it and plan a trip for the ‘Date.’ Save the date for something cheaper than the fundraiser. A family trip to the Netherlands is a good way to save money.
The best advice I can give is to never look at your mail. You will save a lot of money on donations and bills that way. If you're lucky, you can also get out of a Bar Mitzvah.
The fact that they have money to send you a letter that says they are not ready yet is a problem.

Honorees
They will prep you with the save the date. Then they bring on the guilt. There are people being honored. You can't go on a trip when people are being honored. You have to honor them. They're honorees. They haven't honored these friends in a while.
The honorees are people that other people like, who have a lot of friends. Or, they're people that other people need to pretend they like, for potential work; you want to be closer to these people. The organizations use these people to get you to come out to the fundraiser. They don't trust that you like the shul enough. They thus honor the Friedbergs. Everybody knows the Friedbergs.
What are the Friedbergs honored for? Knowing people. That's what they've given to the shul. They've never volunteered or helped with a Shiva Minyin, but they know people.

How to Not Get Pulled In
Over the years, I've made it a point to have friends that nobody likes. I was going broke on friends who were affable. I noticed a disturbing pattern; the shul was honoring these people. These friendly people offering to pay for dinner, when you go out together, is just a guise before the big blow of the $2,000 you will be putting out for their honorees dinner. If you can find unlovable friends who are also poor, you have struck gold.
If you see somebody sticking their hands in the herring and taking all the meat out of the choolante pot, for themselves, befriend them.

How They Pick the Honorees
You will know it is a fundraiser when the Fridberg family gets honored for being great community members. When people get honored for accomplishing nothing, that is a clear sign it's a fundraiser.
If there is more than one couple on the bill, that is another clear sign it's a fundraiser and that the person who deserves to get honored, and is second on the poster, is not popular enough. Nobody cares that you brought the children out of Sudan if people aren't hanging with you at Kiddish, but it would look decent to honor you. Do you have friends? That is what we care about.
For this reason, you should also avoid friends who have solved any worldwide crisis, such as starvation or disease. Your friends should be unhelpful and unfriendly people.  

Speakers
You have to give money for these people that are also going to interrupt your dinner. Anything to take your focus off the fact that you've just put out $800 on a piece of schnitzel.
Theses are other honorees. You don't know them. Why they tell you about these honorees, I have no idea. Yet, you're forking over another $500 for them to be there. They have to pay these people to talk over you and interrupt your conversation.

The Committee
Watch out for these people. These are the people that tell you about the dinner. They tell you about your friends and the speakers. They write the letters. They tell you to 'save the date.'  They call you when you tried to not respond. You had to tell them you must've not gotten the letter. They know you are lying. If you don't go, you'll be offending them.
Once people join a committee, they become very crafty. Your friends are on the committee, and they're going to tell you about that friend that is being honored. 

The Issue Is Friends
If you've learned something today, it's to not have friends. Being part of a community, it's best if you don't know anybody. Then you don't have to feel bad not showing up. You can save a lot of money that way. It costs too much money to not offend people.
If you plan the trip, try your hardest to forge a ticket that shows you purchased it before the committee sent out the 'save the date.' The committee will ask for that. And never join the committee. They put you on that committee to make sure you're going to be there. You get no discounts on schnitzel.
And make sure to support your congregation, pay your dues and dedicate to your community in honor of your ancestors.

The rabbi gave a sermon earlier this year about a deluge and I was confused. My whole life, I learned about the flood, the ‘mabool,’ and the rabbi was going off on some kind of water park ride sounding thing. 
People later told me that the deluge was the flood, and I asked why the rabbi didn't just say 'the flood.' Once again, I was feeling like a fool, because my English comprehension was not good enough to understand another rabbi. My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language. I was stuck.
Why do they translate the Hebrew into English that is harder to understand than the Hebrew itself! This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton, phylacteries, benedictions...
Here are some of my memories of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis. I bring them to you, because I don't want you to think you're the only one who was poorly educated.
 
A Childhood of Not Understanding
It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ No idea what quorum means. I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve for a group of ten men to give me a quorum? I didn’t want anything to do with it.
​I protested, and then he pulled out what he called ‘phylacteries.’  I was confused. 
Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I had an idea of what Tefillin were. It was at that point that I requested from my rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’ My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good.
 
Sermon I Still Don’t Understand from the Same Rabbi
The rabbi began with his ‘Exegesis from Leviticus from the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra, from the Torah.
After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying. I congratulated him in the simple Hebrew Jewish way. I didn’t want him to be confused. I was already confused enough from his speech.

Another Sermon I Still Don't Understand
It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to Gd, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. He lost me. Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have talked about that.
I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English.
I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that if I was a botanist, I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes.
 
I Was Lost in The Service
Until the added Musaf service of Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when they started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into my silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players.
Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark.
All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. I was confused the whole time.
 
My Message to American Rabbis that I Respect
If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use English words. Let’s move away from the language used in the 1930s and talk in an English the congregants can identify. A simple English. Not a pre-Shakespearian English that my English Lit professor can’t recognize.
I understand it is fun for you to create words like firmament, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew. Stop using words you created, like legumes, beadle, sexton firmament, countenance, quorum, tabernacle. Use words like beans and peas, shul helper, heaven, face, Minyin, Sukkis. Something that I can recognize. Vocabulary your congregants identify.
Maybe you are trying to add in a Hebrew flavor to your speech, using words congregants can’t grasp; thus, adding to the feeling of the Hebrew prayers that they are reading in transliteration. Maybe those are English words. Maybe you didn’t create them.
I am sorry. It was my English education. If I would’ve read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I grew up in Britain, maybe if I grew up in the 1500s, I would comprehend.
 
I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been the inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge.
Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton.

The post service communal snack time on Shabbat can be very hard for the shul beginner. Known as Kiddush, or Kiddish, this is the time to eat. Services have ended, we’ve already connected as a community with our Creator, it is now time to do whatever you can to get to the potato kugel first.
There’s only so much potato kugel, choolante and gefilte. You have only so much time to make your way to the herring. And you never know if somebody else likes kichel. You only have a moment before the rabbi makes the Kiddish blessing and  Bernie snags the meat out of the choolante pot. 
Following is what I have learned about Kiddush etiquette over my lifetime of trying to make my way to the choolante, past Bernie:
 
Stand in One Spot
Once you are in the Kiddush room, do not move. If you move, other people will be able to get to the choolante too. Once you've scooped, you stay right there. You don't want to open others up to scooping access.
The idea is to make it harder for other people to get to the stuff. If you're standing away from the table, in the middle of the room, and somebody is trying to pass, don’t move. Stand in the doorway if you have to. If you move, it will make it easier for them to get to where they want to go, and that might be potato kugel. Or even worse, the kishka. Once the choolante meat is gone, it is a fight for the choolante kishka.
 
Hold Your Spot
This is not easy. Fran may be eighty years old, but she still has some reserves left in her for egg salad, matzah and kichel. To fend off bullies, like Fran, get down into a strong three-point lineman stance. This gives you the most power when pushing off the ground, allowing you to hold your spot and lunge at the choolante pot when the opportunity arises for an offensive.
 
Pick Your Spot Before Kiddush is Made & Keep It
It's general policy that you’re not supposed to take food before the Kiddush blessing is said. If you’re willing to get reprimanded by the sisterhood, then take beforehand. If you are meek, like myself, and cower to authority, then pick a good spot. You want to pick a spot within arm’s reach of your goal. Not everybody can squeeze a spot right in front of the babka. As long as you’re willing to reach…
 
Reach Past People’s Heads & Torsos
The body does not dictate whether you’re next in line. I’ve seen many arms running right by my face. I’ve looked around and not once have I found a person. I recall one time, I was right in front of the pot, and couldn’t get to it. The arms were coming from all sides. It felt like a Kiddush horror film.
The congregants were just hungry. They'll turn on you when kishka and potato kugel show up. Remember, manners are the first thing to go when there isn't enough meat in the choolante. 
 
Do Not Be Ashamed to Scoop All of the Meat Out of The Choolante
Everybody notices when Bernie does this, but Bernie is happy. I’ve seen meat choolante pots filled to the brim, with no meat. Kiddush-goers have a sick sense for sniffing out meat in a pot. Over the years, I’ve learned to locate meat in the middle of potatoes, beans, barley, onions, even squash. Sometimes you think it’s a vegetarian choolante and right in the middle of a legume you pick out a little piece of rib still on the bone, making your Kiddush a success. Bringing joy to Shabbis.
 
If you Have a Spot, Don’t Offer to Serve Others
I tried this once. Next thing I knew, everybody had choolante. Helping leaves you with less.
 
Carry the Choolante Ladle with You
If you must move, such as in the case of your child crying and having a crisis, like they cannot find the frosting on their cake, be sure to take the serving utensil with you. This is the only way to ensure that you will be able to get back to your spot. There are some who will scoop with their hands while you’re gone. You have to respect that.
 
Do Not Worry About How Your Plate Looks
Pile it high. Double up. Fill three plates if you have to. You never know if you will be able to make it back to the table.
 
Do Not Wait In Line
There is no line. Those are just people who are not moving away from the babka.
If there is no motion that is not a line, unless if you're at JFK International Airport security check.
 
If You Do Not Have A Decent Spot Use Your Elbows
Don’t worry about knocking over Fran. If Fran is in the way of you and your potato kugel, she’s standing in a dangerous spot. She should know that. She shouldn't assume that just because it's not choolante, that she won't get hurt.
Using your elbows at all times is suggested. To quote Avi, 'Keep them out.' Elbows should be out at all times. Entering the Kiddish doorway, shaking hands, eating. Whatever you are doing the elbows should be out. When you're eating, keep em up. There's a good chance you can catch a chin of one of the shorter congregants. Your elbows create more body, keeping more people away from the food you want. Along with the barrier they create, they can be used to hurt people who think they are also deserving of herring. 
COVID may be done, still use your elbows to greet people at Kiddish. Walk in with no mask and let them know that you can care less about the germs on your Kishka, as long as it is yours.
 
Kiddush is a communal experience, so it will not be easy to get to the food. I bless you with strength, to not worry about other people getting food. Gd provides for all, but there’s only so much herring. Claim your spot at the table and use whatever strength you can muster to push Fran and Bernie out of the way.

Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology. 
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it.
If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English.

Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante.
Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin.
Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. 
Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things.
Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite.
Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak.
Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul.
Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’
Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other.
Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher.
Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. 
Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk.
Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money.
Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man.
Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish.
Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. ​
Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil.
New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate.
Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. 
Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers.
Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources.
Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man.
Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him.
Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence.
Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. 
Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. 
Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread.
Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling.
Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas.
Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. 
Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat.
Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba  and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse.
Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing.
Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him.
Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People.
Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we...

I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat.
Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism.
May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman.

Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement,  but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that.
You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood.
 
Honey on First Letter of The Torah
When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days.
This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor.
You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah.
 
Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School
As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’
I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument.
I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child.
 
Kids go to Shul for Candy
Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets.
Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone.
Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem.
We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word.
I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem.

The Candyman
There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman.
​All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education.
The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys.
 
Jewish Rituals
Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy.

​As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.'
To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months, including the holidays. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.