Announcements
We need to raise funds. Thus, we shall be starting a committee. To answer questions of the congregants. This is how you raise funds. With a committee.
The shul needs money. To answer questions of the congregants. We need money for stuff. 

We are asking members to pay their dues. Many members have asked why? It was discussed by the board for many hours. It was decided that dues have to be paid because they’re dues.
Please Note: Dues do not give you the right to talk during Davening.
 
Another three-hundred-dollar dinner is this week. It’s a fundraiser
 
We ask members practice wrapping their Tallis so the rest of the congregation doesn’t have to wait an hour for them to get an Aliyah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Join a Committee and Annoy People. How to Wrap a Tallis Around Your Shoulders Without Making Everyone Wait for Your Barchu. (follow-up class) How to Not Do A 15 Minute Mishebeyrach. 
Due to safety, we will not announce where the classes are.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

It’s the way our people responded to Yehoshua and Calev... It's kind of like the board at a meeting when somebody suggests a committee isn't necessary...
(Bamidbar 14:8-10) The people shouted, 'tone them.'
Anything decent. Can’t happen. Anything good, you want to stone people.
I tried telling you all to keep Shabbis, one congregant tried running me over... On Shabbis.

They even told the Israelites that the people living in Israel, ‘they are your bread.’ The nation wanted Manna. They didn't want to take chances on food getting worse, once they moved to Israel... They didn't like the idea of food that did not come from the earth?!
They didn't know about Chumus and Tahini yet... Big grapes are very scary.

(Bamidbar 14:11-19) As they wanted to kill Calev and Yeshua and they didn’t want to go to Israel. Any reason to not go to Israel, just like our congregants who will come up with any reason to not come to shul... You still want COVID. It’s like COVID is your savior of Davening...
Moshe even had to use the H’ of compassion prayer. H’ who forgives iniquities... Do you know how hard it is to lead this congregation. The amount of compassion that must be mustered... You're a very hard to love people.
Will He forgive the board for not giving me a raise? Will He forgive the pain caused by having to serve on a committee? Will He forgive the trip to Israel that got cancelled due to a threat to the Pinkowitz vacation to Panama...

(14:20-24) Only Calev will see the land... Of course Yehoshua. The rest who tested H’ will die in the desert... Lemon meringue pie can kill. But we're talking about a desert. not dessert.
The shul trip to Israel. The protests... To this day, our congregation has a desert mentality...

A committee. Why do we need another committee? I am already feeling heartburn...
We need to protest committees. H' would have been fine with that. H' would support the protesting of a committee. He has no compassion for committees. What is the reason for these committees?...
Why are people not paying their dues? Did you receive the ‘you didn’t pay dues’ letter?... There is no please there. It’s not supposed to be nice. They're dues. You pay them... We don’t care if you’re getting any service. We have services every Shabbis morning... People are scared to call to ask people to pay dues. Last time you threatened their life. When they said dues will help make the shul beautiful and bring it to a sense of lavish for H’s glory to be apparent, you wanted to kill them. you threatened them.
You said you would pay dues after you stoned them...

Finally, the board let people know that paying dues doesn’t give you the right to talk in shul. If somebody can please announce this at the next committee meeting. They are so annoying...

We can’t announce where events are?! There are anti-Semites?! Did we not just speak of the Meraglim (the spies)?! What are we scared of?!
I am scared of congregants coming to me with annoying questions...
Oh my Gd. These people are annoying. How do You find the compassion to deal with them... That's my prayer...

It's that you have no belief in Gd. Either that, or you're scared of losing you money. You're scared of losing what you have... Yes. You have to go to fundraisers and you have to pay your dues...
You're worried about your life and money.
There are only eighteen more fundraiser dinners this month. There are a couple of days in June left... It’s your fault if you didn’t budget correctly for the three hundred dollar dinners...
I understand the fear of going to fundraisers. That may have kept people out of Israel...

You cause sinful acts.
We had to wait three minutes for you to put on your Tallis. The wait at Barchu was painful. Another Kiddish club started, due to your lack of ability to wrap a shawl around your shoulders... Your putting on a Tallis took almost as long as Galila. That was painful. This guy can't even get a cloth over a scroll. This congregation is very bad with fabric... If H' said we would have to use fabric in Israel with the congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I would've protested...
Learn how to do the stuff correctly... We have a congregation waiting for you. You get the cloth caught on the scroll. You get the Tallis caught in your hair. No idea how that happened...
And the we all waited for Barchu. It felt like it took forty years. Forty years of pain...
It's just a quick flip of the shawl. Swing the tassels around. And you hit the guy in the eye...
Dealing with this shul is a test of wills. It has people questioning their Emunah. It makes one say, 'If this congregation is moving to Israel, I am scared to live there. Even if the fruit is big. It's not worth it... That takes too much faith in H." And then there is Bernie...'

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi just blamed the Jews dying in the desert and being allowed to enter Israel on the Meraglim and our congregants.

The membership didn't understand why the people didn't want to go to Israel. They all love Israeli food. Then they heard how much the trip costs.
The were protesting the shul's trip to Israel. Members were protesting their own trip to the Holy Land. They were scared they would have to pay.
It was a worse protest than the Antifa guys. Very violent.
The rabbi just wanted to go to Israel. He was hoping for another free trip.

Why everybody is going to Panama instead of Israel is another question we have to deal with here at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. A committee met to discuss this Panama vacation thing and how it affects tourism in Israel. It turns out Panama has two really good Kosher restaurants. That's enough for our community to spend 5k on a trip. When the committee discussed it, they concluded that 5k is not that much, as long as it's not a donation.

They are starting a fundraiser committee. That’s the goal. They don’t want to do fundraising. They want to talk about it.

Every organization always needs money. I don't understand it. I have never seen an organization that didn't need funds. No organization ever said, 'We had a great year. We do not need to do a fundraiser.'
If I open a restaurant, I’m going to call it fundraiser and charge a lot. It will come with a Bingo place attached.

I am leaving town next June. Vacationing the whole month of June. Every school has a fundraiser in June. Some camps called themselves schools just to have a June fundraiser. There was even a nursing home that called itself a school for older people and had a fundraiser.
I can’t afford these dinners. For three-hundred dollars they've got to give more than a leg.

Then they send these nasty ‘pay your dues’ letter. Like they expect it.
Worst part about dues. Everybody in the shul thinks they have a say because they pay dues. Worst thing. Would rather nobody paid dues and everybody shut up.
The announcement of not talking just because you paid dues had a bad backlash. People asked for their dues back. If you tell them they can't talk, why would they pay dues?! They pay the dues so they can feel good talking in shul.

The rabbi took a twelve-minute break in the sermon to teach people how to wrap a Tallis. Women were standing in the ladies' section showing how keeping a shawl on the shoulders is not that hard. One even showed the clip concept for style or men with no shoulders. One guy was so proud of himself when he pulled out his Tallis clip from his Bar Mitzvah. Menachem gave a whole speech about how his uncle gave him the clip when he was going up for the Haftorah.
It's painful watching them try to wrap their Tallis. Just throw it on. We're waiting. A lot of waiting. Nobody cares if it looks good. I have no idea how the folded look became a thing. Now we have to wait for men who can't even fold a sheet to place their clothing. The same men who do Mishebeyrachs.

So how do we show up to classes if we don’t know where they are. That’s it. I’ve given up.

Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.

It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook.

H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing.

According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by.

When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family.

Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision.

All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school.

My family is in America. I miss them. Oh. How I love thee, and thine money you send to pay for my livingith in thy Holy Land.
Israel is the family of my nation. The care and love of my national family is apparent. That familial care of a nation has shown this past year. The way we care and watch out for each other. It is unparalleled. Hence, I odeth thee with what I have merited to witness of thine glory.

The family of Israel cares. The care has not shown more than in this past year, where the whole country came together to complain about the price of flights.
Oh. How I love thee and thy financial understanding of supply and demand.

The care extends. Israelis are the first to help in crisis. The care for all life, willing to travel to first aid the citizens of the world. If things are bad, Israelis will be there. This is why they get blamed. They're always at the catastrophe.
Oh. How I love thee and how thy goesth to far off lands to stop flooding and saveth the lives of anti-Semites. Thy goesth to help, doing Mitzvahs, knowing thy willst be blamed for the deluge. How Jews start floods is another one of Gd's great miracles.

The people of Israel don’t say 'excuse me.' They care too much. There is too much love. Pushing and bumping is our Middle Eastern way getting close to one another. It's our national way of hugging.
Packed at the Kotel, we push. We even hold each other up by knocking into one another. It is how we celebrate what is known as Chagim. The holidays, where we come together as one by bumping a Jew you never met. In essence, a hug.
Oh. How I love thee and thine bumping into myselfith. Others considereth thee rude when they are hit, in their lacketh of knowledge of thine culture. A culture of warmth.

Israeli society is replete with statements of advice. When there is a bad day, somebody will say, 'Some days are honey, some are onions.' The way food is used to help one understand life is unparalleled.
Oh. How I love thee and thine knowledge of the spiritual application of vegetation.

My car wasn’t working, a guy passed me and said, 'Shower and drink coffee.' He didn’t fix my car, nor did he help me push it. Nonetheless, afterwards, I felt clean and more awake, allowing me to be more aware of how bad my engine problem was.
Oh. How I love thee and thine understanding of what it takes to driveth a car, awake and clean. Oh. How I remembereth that car I left in the street. The Ford Escort that was towed and never salvaged. As I abandoned thee and went to shower and drink coffee.

Why the beeping? Because Israelis care. I was stopped at a traffic light. They wanted to make sure I did not fall asleep.
Oh. How I love thee and thine ensuring of my preparedness for a green light.

Israel is one big family. Nowhere else in the world do strangers feel comfortable enough to criticize me to my face. Most citizens of other countries hesitate to tell me how ugly my sweater is. 
Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to tell me I am not good. You maketh me feel like I am at home. Without family, no one elseth will telleth me of how not successful I am.

Israel is family. Israel is a home for all Jews. We even accept immigrants from America, who tell us how we should live our lives in Israel; more like Americans. Any other country would kick Americans out for being annoying. But we are family.
Oh. How I love thee. Thine family of Israel. Oh. How I relish the shared love of food, going to the grocery store, sitting in the produce section and eating with my brethren. We may have gotteneth kickedeth out, but we have sharedeth in thine national family experience of not paying for groceries.

Author's Note: I feel that odes are more meaningful written in Biblical English. It is more prayerful.

Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up.

The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up.

Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week.
We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know.

Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul.
All classes this week are cancelled.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right...
Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though...
From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah...

(Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault.
We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am.

(Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late...
They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse.

Things have to be done at the right time.
Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome.

Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd...
Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?!

Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing.
The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew...
Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees...
We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out...

But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach...
Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva...
A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?!
You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times.

Rivka's Rundown
A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them.
That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club.

The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair.

Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time.
The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise
When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them.

The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well.

So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’
They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’
The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class.

It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up.

It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that.
It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around.
Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us.
They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie.
A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are.

They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers.
The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave.

Prelude
The security meeting was and the wise men and women of Chelm were worried because of the meeting. To quote Rivka, 'It was a meeting. That should worry anybody.' It turns out it was a committee meeting, which had people worried more. Some ran, worried they would have to volunteer.
Discussion of the need for security was clear, as expressed by Moishele, 'Without security anything can happen.' And all of the wise men and women of Chelm agreed with the brilliance of Moishele. Security was now a necessity at all events, as nobody wanted anything to happen.
Security was not enough though. People showed up to the Pesach concert and no community member wants that. It was noted at the Pesach concert, people showed up and that was dangerous. Nobody likes Yankel and he was there.
'Why did people come to the Pesach concert?' the community protested. After much discussion they concluded, 'Because they knew where it was.' 'Here we have another security concern,' Moishele interjected. And so it was in the books of Chelm.

The Event
Excited for the upcoming holiday of Israeli Independence Day, Lazer Shwartzawitz shouted, 'Who's going to the Yom HaAtzmaut parade of Jewish pride?' And Moishele, as the new head of security, as he spoke up at the meeting and he teaches Mishna at the Cheder, ensured that it will be safe. And all were ready to show how proud they were of their Jewishness in a safe undesignated location.
Duvidel the party pooper answered, 'I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be...' Shouts of, 'Duvidel the fool. He has no idea what it means to be a proud Jew.' To which Duvidel continued, 'How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is? How do you show pride if you are afraid of people knowing where you are? Where do you walk on a parade if you can't be seen? How do you show up to "I don’t know where"?'
Moishele cried out, 'You fool. You show pride by be being there.' To which Duvidel responded, 'Where is there?' And the wise men and women of Chelm were in shock by Duvidel's stupidity. Protests of, 'You cynic,' 'Duvidel the heretic who doesn't believe,' 'There goes Duvidel ruining another great program. He thinks he can't show to an event, just because he has no idea where it is. The little he knows...' were heard throughout Chelm.

More Arguments Against Duvidel Who Doesn't Understand These Times
Berel the Gabai interjected, 'In these times we have to be safe.'
Fayge was so proud. 'My Gabai is so wise. He understands the need for security, as it is these times.' Shaindel agreed and said, 'These times.'
No one could argue with 'these times.' As Fayge noted, 'It all makes sense when you say it like that. We definitely need security.' And the wise men and women of Chelm were more worried, as they heard 'these times.' A scary thing to hear about the Jewish people.
Duvidel again asked a dumb question, 'What does these times mean?' And Duvidel caused another round of protests, 'That cynic. He should be ashamed. Doesn't understand "these times."'
Menachem explained, 'It means these times. What kind of a heretic would argue with "these times"? Only one who does not care for his people. One who does not understand the power of a parade.' And Duvidel was again thrown out of the community for the third time in one meeting. How he kept interjecting after being thrown out is a miracle. How everybody knew where the meeting was in these times is another miracle. And what's worse is this board meeting, as all Jewish board meetings at my shul, was full of anti-Semites.
And a standoff occurred, as all watched. Duvidel shot, 'At what times will you announce the location of an event?' Menachem shot back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel counterattacked, 'Then you will never announce where an event is.' Menachem came right back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel asked, 'What about at other times?' Menachem retorted, 'Only if those other times are not these times.' Duvidel re-retorted, 'But those will be these times.' To which Menachem said, 'You are correct.'

The Event Was a Success
When asked why so few people showed up to the event, Duvidel would say, 'They didn't know where it is.' And the wise men and women of Chelm would say, 'Because of Duvidel.'
Shaindel spoke of the parade with great pride, 'It turned out to be very safe with eight people.'
To this day, the organizers are still very happy that people didn't show. To quote Shirley, the head of the Jewish Federation, 'It was the safest event we ever had. And we are proud of that. It was also the most enjoyable Jewish event I ever attended during these times. Another amazing program. Hopefully next time we will have less Jews.' To which the wise men and women concurred.

Epilogue
And now the shul has security on all fronts, ensuring that Jews don't come.
Yankel joined Duvidel and tried arguing, but the argument of 'these times' was so brilliantly phrased by the Gabai who said, 'In these times,' that everybody knew they needed to have security and safety. As it was these times, and that was true.
And now they have more events than ever. Daily events. Every day at 7pm. Huge organized celebrations. And nobody knows where they are. And security can ensure that everybody is safe.

Donors thought this was the best use of Jewish monies. Millions poured in for the security plans of not telling people about the location of events. Just the placards ran into the hundreds of thousands. And the consulting that had to be done to figure out where to put placards when they couldn't be seen was a whole other ordeal that had to be dealt with. The cost of figuring out where signs can't be took the community to a deficit.
Yankel with Chutzpah asked, 'What about the Jewish day school. Educating our children.' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'You fool. School is not safe.' To which Yankel agreed. And the children didn't show up to the day school anymore. For their safety, every day they were told to show up to somewhere without being told where it was. And all of the children of Chelm were safe.

The Jewish Federation of Chelm has gained huge support for these programs, raising millions of dollars.
A group of dissenters developed when nobody could find a Kiddish that had no location. There is a limit. And that limit is not being able to find free food. To quote one of the dissenters, 'I will risk my life for Kugel and Kichel. Even during these times.'

And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. The wise men and women didn't acre to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there.

The Shnurer has a skill. A marketable skill to ask for money with no shame. Now, they're even hitting me up with credit card machines in the middle of the Amidah. In the middle of asking Gd for sustenance, this guy is taking my money.  He times it perfectly. And he's hitting me up with a credit card machine. Middle of Davening, I'm bowing so I can reach my credit card and make a purchase.
Getting me to pull out my credit card to pay for nothing, Shnurers are the greatest of Jewish businessmen. Let's take a journey back a few hundred years to see how Rothschild couldn't compete with the business acumen of these beggars.

Rothschild Doesn't Do Business Like a Shnurer
It's not just anti-Semites. Jews also view Rothschilds as wealthy. The difference is that we know all Jews are not Rothschilds. Many of the wealthy Jews we know don't give Tzedakah.
​The Joke: Shnurer says, 'If I was Rothschild, I'd be richer than Rothschild.' His friend asks, 'How?' The Shnurer says, 'I'd beg on the side.'
How all Shnurers have friends, I don't know. They're very popular. Maybe it's because they're outside interacting with people. It's not a bad life.
If we're talking about Rothschild. That's how you lead into another joke. You say something like, 'if we're already talking about this...' And your friend is saying, 'I didn't say anything. You're the one talking. I'm trying to get out of here.'
Next Joke: If we're talking about Rothschild. Rothschild shows up to an inn in Plitskov and asks for eggs. The innkeeper tells him, 'Two eggs is three hundred rubles.' Rothschild asks, 'Are eggs that rare here in Plitskov?' The innkeeper says, 'No. But Rothschilds are.'
You see how I led into the followup joke with, 'If we're talking about Rothschild'? It's all about technique.

Tells Rothschild to Open a Bank
Shnurers are just good businessmen. You saw the brilliance in the Rothschild joke. If you're an entrepreneur your should be learning from Shnurers.
The Joke: Shnurer giving advice to Rothschild, ‘You should open a bank here in Plitskov.’ Rothschild responds, ‘Why? But there is no money here in Plitskov.' The Shnurer tells him, 'Because there is no bank.' ChaCha.
The ChaCha emphasizes the joke is finished. It was used quite well in Coming to America to exentuate the joke.
You use an old town like Plitskov and it sounds good. Also note, 'says' is a very important word when telling any joke or story. As these are Jewish jokes, we're not employing 'they says' as much as an average ninety year old American would in relating a story. Your average American delivery should consist of twelve or so 'and they says.'

Conclusion
If he would've listened to these Shnurers, Rothschild would've been rich.
Antisemitism stems from Jewish jokes. If we would've used other names, like the Shwartzberg family for these jokes, nonJews would know most Jews that go to shul don't pay their dues and are not liked by the Jewish community.

Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils.
 
Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.'
 
We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel.
 
Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares.
 
Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise...

(Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out.
Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?...

We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie.
Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’
I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen...

(Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues.
It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours...

This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went.
It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer.

You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul.
Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up...
Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had.
You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days.

You are ruining the shul community.
Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves.

The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel...
If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots...
Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion…

Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this...

We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews.
Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious.

Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants.

The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community.
They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.'

The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm.
Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.'
The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people.
The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.'
It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him.

This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to.

Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run.
These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up.

Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’

A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem.

I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages.

When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi.

After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp.
Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning.

I just started learning about Kibud Av vEim, honoring my parents, and I've messed up already. It's about to be Father's Day and I'm in Israel. Now what do I do?

​I Have Tried to Show Respect
I recently became more religious and told my parents I have to move to Israel, and they have to pay for me to live in Israel, because that's what my rabbi told me. Then, I told them that I can't eat their food anymore. I did this for my parents. I didn't want them to get an Aveirah. I didn't want them to sin. I believe I said that with respect. 'Mom. I can't eat your food anymore. I love your lasagna and quiches. I just don't want your food to land me in Gehenim.'
Last time I went home, I told my parents they can't watch TV on Shabbat. I am trying to make them better Jews, but they still insist on calling me Brian. I told them to never call me that again, or my Hebrew name, lest they say Gd's name in vain. And I did all of that in the name of the Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim.
My parents told me they didn't like this new concept of Kibud Av vEim. But I insisted I have to honor them. So, they told me the best way to honor them was to not be annoying and to leave. It turns out they don't like the name Mikakel. And they said that Kaleekaku sounds wrong.
All said and done, this Father's Day I was stuck trying to figure out what to do.

My Dad is in America
I left home to go to Yeshiva in Israel. My parents appreciated that. Check for Kibud Av vEim. They had an extra room in the house to use for what they wanted. I gave them that. Check for Kibud Av vEim. So, they got a hammock put it in my room and threw out all my stuff. They expressed how appreciative they were of me leaving the house by also telling me that I won't have a place to stay when I visit. I feel like I showed a great amount of Kibud Av vEim by bringing them such great joy. I believe that when I stay at the hotel on my next visit, it will give them more room to relax and read on Shabbat. It will also give my mom extra time to make the oven Kosher for me. I think the Mitzvah is bringing our family closer.
I called my parents to say I wanted to visit for Father's Day. My father insisted I don't and said I brought him so much more Nachis from Israel. He didn't consider him having to pay for my flight from Israel to be a Father's Day gift.

What should I get my dad?
Give dad money. After much thought I realized dad doesn't want me thinking about what he needs. He just needs money for a new drill bit.
The problem is that I get my money from my Abba. My rabbi told me it's OK for my dad to pay for me while I'm learning Torah. I told my dad that this will ensure him a place in heaven. It turns out that my dad doesn't care about heaven very much. Right now he just wants some money. He is more worried about paying the mortgage in Frankville, AR.
I took all his money from him when I was a child. I was a good athlete and that is expensive. Which is why he gives me a look. It's a cynical angry look of love. When I see him, I don't know if he wants to shoot me or hug me. My friends in Yeshiva tell me all of their dads give them the same look. It means they love you. If your dad paid for your day school education, that is why he gives you that look.
After much thought and Torah, I decided I should give my dad a call. He pays for that bill too.
I called my dad. I let my dad know how much I love him and made things awkward between the two of us. There was 'love' and then silence. Love kind of made that relationship uncomfortable. 

Where Can I Find a Dad?
I realized I didn't have a dad in Israel. I wanted to show immediate joy to a father on this Father's Day.
I went to the stores. Tried to find a dad. I went to Fox. Dads don't shop at Fox. The shirts come too tight. I went to Shmulik's Hardware and Chumus. I went to Melech HaFalafel. They do not sell dads.
One shopkeeper was quite bothered by my idea of selling dads and insisted slavery was wrong and that the Torah never spoke of selling dads.
It was then that I realized you can't purchase or adopt dads. You can only adopt kids. I was stuck with mine. I told my dad I would write him a letter for Father's Day and he asked, 'Am I going to have to pay for that too?'

Follow Up Notes
I hope me and my dad can work through the love the next time I visit. It was a hard one. The statement 'I love you' is a very uncomfortable situation to work through. I hope we can overcome that.
My rabbi later taught me that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah. Honoring your father is a Mitzvah, and that must be done every day. I started calling my dad all the time. He didn't like that.
My rabbi then taught me that I have to honor him as well. This honor thing is getting to be a bit much. My father can't afford it.
I just saw an Israeli man in a really tight shirt. It was a bothersome moment for which I feel I must do Teshuva. Some Israeli men do shop at Fox. It was almost as bad as my first visit to the beach in Netanya. A horrific sight I went to the Mikveh for. I am still asking H' for forgiveness. No matter how religious I grow to become, I will never go to an all-male beach again. 

Lesson
Love your dad no matter how far away you are. Not having to pay for you to visit will make them happy.
Honor your father. Honor the one that gives you life. There is no substitute. You can't pick up a dad. These men don't want to have to pay for more people. You can't buy a dad. That's not a good use of money and they might lock you up for that.
The guilt I feel for not fulfilling this Mitzvah on Father's Day, though it's not a special Mitzvah is enormous. So much guilt. I believe that is the lesson of Father's and Mother's Day. Feel bad. Feel like you didn't do enough. I truly pray my father is able to put aside enough money for me to fulfill Kibud Av vEim the right way next Father's Day.

Staying up all night on Shavuot is the greatest quandary of the Jewish people, other than how to not starve when not eating for eight hours of a fast day. Much discussion has been had about fast days, and many have concluded that eating a pie and a half of pizza will help with the severe hunger resulting from skipping a meal. Even so, we still struggle to figure out how to stay up all night on Shavuot.
To stay up all night, people have tried the sleep for three days before Shavuot method. However, they found that they liked sleeping and went to sleep Shavuot night as well. In the past we've suggested dairy, to stay up by way of cheese and stomach issues. Preferably heartburn. We've also suggested the caffeine method, along with Ritalin and speed for those too young to drink Coca-Cola. Health comes first. We do not suggest stunting the growth of a child. And then we've suggested activities such as wrestling and learning, and we learned that learning is the worst way to stay up. Today, we shall now focus on a few Socializing Methods of staying up Shavuot night for those who find it more meaningful to not learn Torah.

Talk to People
Best to do this in the Shiur. If I wasn’t talking and snoring during that class, I would've fallen asleep. My snoring keeps me up by way of people hitting me.
We have to receive the Torah together on Shavuot. For that reason, talking to people is like learning. It is part of the communal acceptance of the Torah. Which is why people talk in shul. Tradition. When Moshe was giving over the commandments at Sinai you cannot tell me that people weren't talking in the back.
Anybody who shushes you, because they want to listen to the Shiur, doesn’t understand the spirit of the holiday. If they do shush you, in the spirit of the holiday, tell them to to shut up and go to Gehenim.
 
Meet A Potential Spouse
If you're single, this is your chance to get somebody to like you. When people are tired, judgment may be impaired. This is why Shavuot in big cities is used by single people to got to shul and not learn.
You may not want to employ conversation when using the Potential Spouse Method of awakeness. Dialogue with your potential spouse may kill any chance you have with her. You want to surprise them with your stupidity once you get married.
If you see the women going to Shiur, then you go to the class. Act interested and they may think you know something, and you might have a Shidduch. Don't ask any questions. Even impaired people recognize dumb.
The only time I learned on Shavuot night was the time I met a good Jewish woman. It was 3am and she was walking into the women’s Torah study session. I sat in the session, shaking my head a lot, and she thought I was very knowledgeable. I was sleeping and kept on waking up when my head fell. She thought I was agreeing with the rabbi. After Shavuot, she got some sleep, we got together, she started some sophisticated conversation about Torah and the importance of learning, and our relationship was over.

Go to the Kotel
In Jerusalem you can walk to the Kotel. You can talk to people there. You can even meet a spouse, if you're one of those creepy people who stares over the Mechitzah. I've done it. It works. You can also talk to people during Davening there. I've done that too. You can also wrestle at there, in the back plaza. If you're looking to get a Shulchan (table at the Kotel used to hold the Torah), wrestling will be necessary.
As we learned on Yom Yerushalayim, you definitely won't fall asleep at the Kotel. Jerusalem stone is not comfortable.
If you live outside of Jerusalem I don't suggest walking to the Kotel. That may turn Shavuot into a six day Chag. Staying up for more than two days straight can be taxing. Instead, go for a really long walk in your city. The further you are from your home, the less likely you are to fall asleep. Check out your city's crime rate map. The greater percentage of homicides a neighbor offers, the more likely you are to stay up.

Lessons
Shiurs only keep people awake if you're talking. Which is why many people become rabbis.
Definitely don't learn Torah when staying up Shavuot night to receive the Torah. Learning Torah will chase people away.
If you get caught in a Shiur, only learn Torah if it will attract a lady. For this you must judge the woman and the frumpiness of her clothes. Frumpy is the dress of good Frum girls.

Announcements
We are hosting a lactose free Shavuot for all of those who find it hard to watch happy people who enjoy life and cheesecake.

Strollers don’t belong right at the door in the back entrance of the shul. People have asked why we have to announce this. If you have to ask how oblivious one has to be to not notice they are blocking the doorway. If you look at the parents in our shul, you will understand. We all hate them.

Yom Yerushalayim Music Tefillah didn’t draw people. It turns out that adding forty-five minutes to a five-minute service doesn't excite people. Next time we will do have prayers without song to make the services more enjoyable and meaningful.

We want to apologize to Moishie for giving him Galila. Rolling the Torah scroll is for non-important Jews. We thought Moishie didn’t keep Shabbat. That’s our fault. We just found out he’s wealthy.

We want to wish our support for all of our NY Rangers fans. The Jewish community is mourning the loss to the Florida Panthers.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 2:2) ‘Man by his flag, according to his signs according to his father’s house is how the children of Israel shall encamp...’ I am trying to figure out why I have to see Bernie. There is no Bernie family flag here...
You don’t set up camp without hanging a flag. You don’t identify a people with laundry... A clean flag. That’s how you identify. You hang a clean flag. This isn’t the Felsenstein residence, with laundry on the front lawn. Identifying with...
With an insignia. You need an insignia... Michael Felsenstein on an undershirt tag is not an insignia...
(Bereishit 49:21) Naftali is pale red with a doe. You need the doe. A doe is a good insignia. Maybe with a jumping doe. I can belong to that. Without the female deer, Naftali can’t identify... Our shul’s insignia is a guy talking in the back left of the shul.

Flags are important. Which is why I ask about the awning... No style. The color is white. What flag do you know that is white?! Plane white?! We don't even have the shul name on the awning... You bought it at Target. We don't identify as Target... Because we're not a bunch of snobs who like to pay an extra fifty cents for cottage cheese.
Identity is important. People think they're showing up for a Clan meeting. They have no idea it's a shul.

Through strong identity, the tribes come together at the Mikdash... The encamped around the Tabernacle with flags, because otherwise they would've had no idea where to set up tents. You can't even find the shul, Liz. They found you in the park next door, wandering... I know it's hard to find without an awning that says 'Shul.' A white awning doesn't help with identity, unless if you hate Jews...
Pikudim for going out to war. Counting army age. We’re not counting for a pickup game...

Identity. Signs of identity. Reminders of identity is the lesson... Your identity is not lactose intolerant... Intolerant. I believe the community identifies Sheryl as intolerant. Snobby. Turns her head. Says hello when she wants. We identify Sheryl as somebody nobody likes...
How do you have a lactose free Shavuot? For one day a year, you learn to eat cheesecake for H’. You identify as a Jew and eat cheese...

Strollers have to be moved. It’s like a stroller parking lot at the back entrance... The young parents identify as annoying people. Their sign is strollers. They set up camp at the entrance of the shul. The insignia should write 'Me'... Because that's all you think about.  
Are you unaware that there are other people in the shul that also need to get in???... That is a yes. You're parents and you're in your twenties.

It seems like nobody wants more prayers. Nobody identifies with being in shul longer. A musical Hallel didn’t draw people for Yom Yerushalayim.
It’s more meaningful without song... Because your singing is bad Sam. Nobody likes hearing you sing... Outside of services yes. With your guitar. But we're Davening. It's not a concert... Your guitar playing is OK. It drowns out your voice.
If it was the Great Synagogue, OK. This is Topeka. Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

Identify as good Jews. That’s why you get Galila and Hagba. They don’t trust you as Jews... Moishie. It's how you dress. Too dapper. That's why they have you rolling the Torah. Not getting called up for an Aliyah. You only get post Aliyah honors. After the important people go...
Galila is for people you don't trust with an Aliyah. Don't know if they keep Shabbis... Same with opening the ark and Hagba. You get the guy to lift the Torah... Works out. Probably doesn't keep Mitzvahs. Too in shape.
Do you identify as healthy or somebody who's Jewish?...

It’s about being a good Jew. The New York Rangers are good Jews. They identify as Jewish. Ever since John Vanbiesbrouck they're Jewish... They're Ohavei Yisrael as they are the Rangers... Artemi Panarin is an Ohev Yisrael. He would've got an Aliyah...
The Rangers have an insignia. That's why you bought their jersey. You identify with it. Nobody identifies with guys who won't stop talking in the back left... Exactly. They're annoying.
Which is why I bring you the new shul jersey. Only thirty-five dollars...
We do wish the Rangers a Mazel Tov on making it to the Conference Finals... Another tough loss, like the losing of the Shiva Siddurim. If anybody finds the mourners' prayerbooks...

And that is why we have an Israeli flag in the shul. And Bernie is not Israeli...

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi was trying to get Bernie to never come to shul again. He used the flags of tribe encampment to list people in the shul who shouldn't come because there is no shul flag.
Though we do have an Israeli flag in the shul, the rabbi said Bernie is not Israeli.

Due to the sermon, the shul board went out and made a shul flag. It was a huge hat and Sadie yelling at Fran to move the thing so she could see the Chazin and hear the rabbi's sermon. Sadie does insist that Fran's hats are loud.
Some suggested Michael Felsentein as the insignia, like it’s camp laundry.
They thought they were classy buying the awning at Target.

The rabbi killed the board's lactose free Shavuot party.
The rabbi truly came down on people with stomach issues. It caused a big ruckus when Shaindel puked in the middle of the sermon due to Shavuot preparation. She hadn’t had dairy since she was five years old and ended up in the hospital due to the rabbi's insistence on her being more spiritual and connecting to Gd through cream cheese.

I knocked over some strollers. Probably broke one. I did my part.

Yom Yerushalayim everybody said Hallel and ran once the Chazin started singing.

You know who’s a good Jew based on what honor they get. An Aliyah is fairly important. A good Jew gets Maftir or leads Davening. Somebody who reads the Torah could still be a bad Jew. It's just that nobody wants to prepare Torah reading. The rabbi would even give that to Bernie if he was willing to do read from the Torah. The rabbi would praise Bernie as the shul's best member if he Layned the Torah. Opening the ark on High Holidays is for good Jews too. Or Jews who pay for it. If anybody pays for opening the ark, they're also good Jews.
Moishie is a heretic. He's too healthy to be a Tzadik.

We had many people mourning the loss of the Rangers. Nobody mentioned the loss of Isaac Bergman this past week. A great man in our community who was at Minyin each day. He was a great Baal Tzedakah. Gave charity without end, to all organizations and individuals. Only brought joy to everybody he met. I believe the Rangers loss outshined his passing and going to Olam Haba.
Most people didn't show up to his funeral, as they were still grieving the Rangers. Twelve people showed up to Isaac's funeral, eight of them wearing Rangers jerseys, in memory. I believe Isaac Bergman was an Islanders fan. I also believe he was actively giving to Tzedakah to around twenty organizations in the community, along with well over thirty individuals. At the funeral, the rabbi said, 'It was a shame he never did full Teshuva. Though, in his later years, Mr. Bergman became a more spiritual man with greater faith, he never did fully supported the Rangers.'
The rabbi made it clear that New York Rangers players would get an Aliyah.

The rabbi pulled out the shul jersey at the end of his sermon and said, pointed to the logo and said, 'This is the shul insignia.' I truthfully don't know if having a rabbi that's a sports fanatic is healthy for the congregation's spiritual wellbeing. 

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim and David eating ribs on a date like a fool with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about religious Jews mourning the loss of the Temple and praying for its return.

People have a tradition to walk around Jerusalem on Yom Yerushalayim
For those who cannot make it, I will take you on a little virtual tour of the Old City, so you can feel like you are there yourself this Jerusalem Day, even if you've made no effort to visit Israel this year.
Along with Hoshana Rabbah and Tisha BAv, Yom Yerushalayim and Shavuot Night are two days where people flock to the Old City of Jerusalem and the Kotel. In honor of this tradition I will take you on a tour of the Kotel itself and explain what is going on.

The People Walking Fast
The religious men of Jerusalem walk very fast. A religious tradition. A defining attribute of Chasidim, the ability of speedy gait is a gift from Gd. The greater miracle you can see is how the Rebbe is walking slow, and yet he is still in front of his Chasidim who are walking three times faster than their rebbe.

The Kotel
Let's take a step back and speak of the Kotel. The Western Wall, the retaining wall of the Great Temple, which the Divine Presence never left. The Catholic Church also owns this, according to Roman law.
The Temple area is on the other side of the Kotel. The Temple was a house of prayer for all nations ['My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations' (Yehsaya 56:7)], until around 1,350 when it became a house for all nations but Jews. People who built a dome there around 1,350 years ago get mad when Jews pray there. Many also get mad when Jews pray in Israel.

The Wall in The Back of the Kotel
It's another wall. Just in case.
This separates the main prayer section from the open plaza area. It's there to keep the stalkers away. They call themselves tourists, with the cameras. They're a bunch of stalkers.

The Wall on The Side
Known as a Mechitzah, this is there to separate the men's and women's sections so you know where the ladies are. That's how I always understood it.
The Mechitzah is greatly appreciated by the women. With men praying for wives, we don't want them sitting with women getting the wrong idea thinking girls like them. You will notice men sitting right next to the Mechitzah, they're peeking through the latticework. In Hebrew, the word is 'Klavim.'
You will also notice women looking over the wall. It's obvious. When given the chance, women use Bar Mitzvahs as a chance to stand on chairs and check out the guys' side. They pretend like they're related to the Bar Mitzvah boy, stand on a chair and say it's because they want to hear the Bar Mitzvah boy reading the Torah. The Torah is not read in the afternoon. A bunch of peeping Taliahs.

The Plaza Behind the Wall in the Back
This is there for tour groups, army initiations, sleep on Shavuot, and a bunch of losers or singles to score a Friday night meal with Jeff Seidel.

Tefillin Booth
This is run by Chabad. Chabad likes booths.
That is Hebrew he is speaking.  The black-hatted man is letting them know, 'You can wrap the Tefillin, even if your parents denied you a Jewish education. Just believe in yourself, even if they didn't.' This is why the Tefillin guy is yelling at the young guys and chasing them down with black straps.
You will notice religious people walking fast here. The religious people walk fast because they're trying to get by the Chabad Tefillin guy without him attacking them. They've already put on the Tefillin.

The Guy Screaming at You
He is not angry at you. He is inviting you to join him in prayer. He needs a Minyin/quorum. He is yelling at you for the sake of Gd. That is religious fervor coming out in the way of, 'Minyin!!! Minyin!!!' He is standing right next to us and he is screaming right at us. It appears he needs a Minyin. I don't believe he is leaving. I am going to pray.
I prayed the afternoon prayer eight times the other day. You're only supposed to pray to Gd once in the afternoon. But I was more scared of the guy.

Papers on the Floor
Many people have a tradition of writing notes and then discarding them at the Kotel. Most people have a tradition of sticking the notes in the wall. Other people have a tradition of not cleaning up.
The tradition began back in the days when most people did not have access to Israel. Recycling was not an option at the time, and littering was illegal. So people had their friends bring their papers to the Kotel. This gave a sense of connectedness, knowing that their clutter made its way to Israel.
Right now, you can all stick notes in the Kotel. I suggest to not stick love notes in the wall. Last time I stuck in a love note at the Kotel I was hoping it would make it to the ladies' side of the Mechitzah. That didn't happen. Due to that experience with Shloimy, I am not going to be writing any more notes.
Warning: Sticking notes in the wall can become addictive. I knew I had to stop bringing notes to the Kotel when I found myself caulking my bathtub with little bits of paper.

Next time we will go for a more in-depth tour of the Kotel and and why the people walking backwards are not doing the moonwalk. We will also help you figure out what Minyin to join.

Announcements
We need more people involved in services. The Chazin cannot coach us as to where we are in the services. It looks off when our Chazin change his voice to announce pages.

The shul is collecting the Yom Kippur pledges. The appeal cards have flipped tabs. You will be charged for them. It wasn't a questionnaire.
 
Gamblers Anonymous meetings will take place in the shul so that people can pay their dues and pledges. It seems members are losing their money once they leave shul.
 
Lag BOmer bonfires are not safe when our members run them. Next year, we’re bringing Boy Scouts or any person that is not a member of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah. Capable people we trust.

The Memorial Day program was meaningful. We want to thank those who served that are not on the board.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Pay Your Pledge and Your Dues, Even if You’re a Member of the Shul. How Board Members Serve Nobody. How to Be an Incapable Member of a Shul (special guests serving as examples will be our president and board members).

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No. It’s not the end of the Torah. It’s the end of Sefer Vayikra... We still continue reading the Torah. It doesn’t stop... Do you not like the Torah?! Is this a casual thing to you? Something you spit on???

(Vayikra 26: 14-16) ‘If you don’t listen to me and don’t do these Mitzvahs. And if you consider my decrees loathsome... then I will do the same to you...'
Being on time to your business and skipping Minyin is not a Mitzvah. You can't create Mitzvahs. Mitzvahs are commandments from H'... Taking the family to Disney World for winter break is not a Mitzvah. Paying your dues would be, if you did...

H' is telling us there is a reciprocal relationship... I know you come and eat at Kiddish and don't pay your dues. That's an issue, Rachel. It shows you don't value it...
H’ will make us loathsome. We’ll get burning fevers.
If that doesn’t work. The land gets hit... H' has to take it to the next level. It's the same with the board. If they don't listen to me, you get a messed up wicker looking motif at the Aron... No. You use Jerusalem stone. There is a reason every shul does it... I get a burning fever every time I look at the ark... Maybe it's anger. I don't know. I do know that it feels like our land. Our shul has been destroyed...
If you don't visit the sick, you'll get sick. I'm just trying to get you to be decent people. Maybe to keep a Mitzvah. To do a good deed. To give your rabbi a raise...

Still don’t listen, and behave towards H’ with ‘casualness’ you’ll end up eating your children’s flesh (26:29). Well how about that one?!
It's reciprocal. You treat people like the board, you get a messed up shul and you get a Kiddish with no Kichel. No Danish. No Kugel. No choolante. Just people... If there was no Kugel at Kiddish, I am sure many in our congregation would go cannibalistic... I've seen how you attack the egg salad, Bernie. Animals... 

Yes. There is accountability in the Torah. I know that doesn’t speak well to the parents of this shul who think it’s OK for their kids to take all the Danish at Kiddish.
It's a relationship with H'. And that is made stronger with decent potato Kugel.

There are levels to the punishments. H’ is very creative. We’ll even lose the Mikdash (Temple) and the land will become desolate. I think I have received the highest level of punishment. Being a rabbi to you.
Then what...

(Vayikra 26:36-39) Survivors will flee from enemies. ‘They will stumble man over his brother like running from the sword, but there is no pursuer...’ Kind of like our softball team. I pray we have a better year this year. We got embarrassed by Beth Tikvah and Yankel. When you get embarrassed by Yankel... You weren't running the bases, Baruch. You ran home. You ran to your house.
Nothing is worse than fear. You will run from nothing... Bernie is just clumsy. 
Rashi teaches (26:37) You will have fear. ‘This one will stumble over each the other’s sins, for all of Israel is responsible for each other.’
We have fear when we're not together. When you can't get a Minyin and everybody is trying to pull in people off the street. Chaos. Fear... It's because you don't care about your brethren and sistren. Do you know how many times I've stumbled over Ethel talking about Sadie??? Sin. How many times I've stumbled over Mark, who can't pay his dues because he's playing Blackjack...

You know who H' keeps His covenant with. It is our soldiers. They don't run in fear. They care about their brethren and sistren. They are responsible for their nation. When you're responsible for others, you value them. You value H' and His Mitzvahs... Because you care about the nation, Bernie. You pay dues, Mark. You understand that Sadie can be annoying too. I get it Ethel. But calm down. Sadie has a right to love wicker... I can't stand the new wicker facade. It is truly causes hatred.

Respect what is being done, or it won’t respect you.
People have to help out a bit. That’s how you show Kavod. We got the Gabai doing everything. Leading services. Announcing pages. Getting other people to lead services- which is him... Do you just ask yourself to lead... You're a Gabai. Stop trying to sound like a Chazin... 
Pavarotti never turned to his audience, ‘See page five in the pamphlet... Ahhhh.’ It sounds off. And you don’t even have a good voice.

Be one who cares about their people, and you will not be casual to H'. You won't be casual to your shul... We're not in Israel. You don't wear jeans on Shabbis...
Give something. You don’t even pay dues. Maybe pay your pledge... Somebody flips your tabs every year???!!! There's a tab flipper who is responsible for the phantom pledges... It’s a pledge. Pay it... Nobody in the office was flipping the cards.
What are these pledge cards used for anyways. When was the last time somebody paid one of these?... Yes. I am asking our president. He hasn't paid it either...

There are gambling issues in the shul. You gambled on the new awning. And you gambled on the new wicker motif. A bad decision. And one that has caused punishment... I feel punished...

Lag BOmer was not a punishment from H'. That was just the inability of our membership to contain a fire. We will try to contain the fire next year, to not set the badminton net ablaze... No. We don't trust members of this congregation.

Serving on the board of our shul has done nothing for our country. That’s why we don’t honor you. You have shown no responsibility. A desecration to H'... I hate the board...

(Vayikra 26:40--46) When we confess our sins, H’ will bring us back to our land. He never fully forgets us, for He keeps his covenants. Unlike the Gabai of our shul who can't get a page right.
We must confess our sins. If we can get the president of the congregation to come up here right now...

Just keep the Mitzvahs for crying out loud. Every sermon, I have to tell you to keep the Mitzvahs. If there was a punishment maybe you would act right. You wouldn't be causal with H'. There wouldn't be Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah dress down Saturdays...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi finally said it. 'I hate the board.'

They were so excited when they heard the book was finished. They though they would come to shul and never have to hear the Layning again. They thought Torah reading was over and they would be able to have Kiddish a half hour early every week. I think it’s the Layner that kills the shul experience for everybody. It's like hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy every week.

Those kids take all the Danish. Every time. And they don't even eat Danish. They think it's a big cookie and then get their hands full of whatever that filling stuff is. Then Kiddish is spent cleaning their hands.
When the rabbi spoke about eating their children's flesh, the congregants didn't even bat an eye. They were thinking their kids took the Danish, they can't eat that now.

It comes off wrong when the one guy does it all, announcing the pages and going Chazanish. It's like they're punishing me.

I’m not paying the Yom Kippur Appeal tab. The shul should know people don’t pay those donations. That’s taking advantage of people who are in an emotional state, praying for their lives. That’s exploitation of Teshuva. A conspiracy of appeal card fraud took place. I heard that behind the scenes the shul had its office staff flipping the tabs.

Gambling issues are big. They brought a casino to the community. The shul couldn't even have the casino night fundraiser last year. People said they would rather give their money to the Siatica Casino. To quote, 'The chairs at Siatica are much more comfortable than the shul's pews. You want to sit there for longer. It's because Siatica cares about us.'

Lag BOmer was messed up. Couldn’t get the fire started. Then they did and it was a situation. Badminton went up and we had to call off the Upsherin when the child's hair caught on fire.

Board members wanted credit for serving. The chutzpah. Like they’ve served their country by making decision as to when to close the parking lot before Shabbis. Like they served their congregation by putting up wicker around the Aron Kodesh.
Thank Gd there are no soldiers in our shul. A shul of very lazy people. A covenant of laziness. The membership keeps that covenant.

When the rabbi said, ‘For crying out loud,’ it said it all. That made the point.