They asked him questions about holiday laws and traditions, because he had Simcha. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? They mistook Simcha for Smicha. Simcha is happiness. Smicha is rabbinic ordination. You usually ask the rabbi questions about Jewish laws and traditions. People like asking happy people questions. Simchat Torah is coming up. You're supposed to be happy on holidays. That was the impetus for this pun. Felt it important to explain. Without an explanation, this pun cannot be understood; which is what makes this an excellent pun.

He left the shul real dirty after Sukkot with his Lulav and Hoshanos, and leaves.
You get it? Hoshonos are willow branches. The leaves get left on the floor after we whack them on Hoshana Rabbah. He leaves leaves there. And he leaves, and he leaves a mess too. With leaves. Puns are about the lesson. Not the humor.

What’s it called when a bird gets hit at a baseball game? A fowl ball. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A foul ball is when a baseball is hit out of play. Fowl is birds. The ball could've been in play, but it hit a bird. Hence, a fowl ball. That would be ironic; a fowl ball that's not a foul ball. Noach also saves birds in the Parsha. He didn't save baseball games- another pun waiting to happen.

How much did Avraham take to Canaan? Not sure. He definitely took a Lot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? He took his nephew Lot along, as well as a lot of other people and stuff. A Lot. A lot. Spelled the same, but with a different pronunciation. He took somebody named Lot.

Who was the teacher in the first place Avraham settled? Elon. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Elon Moreh is the first place Avraham settles when he's in Israel. Moreh means teacher. Elon was the teacher's name. With puns, education comes first. We're very proud of the educational value of this pun.

Efron didn't want to sell the field, but Avraham got him to cave in. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The field Avraham bought was that of the Cave of Machpelah, MaArat Hamachpelah. The cave is in the field. Efron caved in and sold it. That's your pun for this week. Education.

Esav wanted soup on top of the door. But Yaakov didn't have any lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lintel is a beam on top of a door. It sounds like lentil. Same letters. We learn the red stuff Esav wanted was lentil soup. Lintel. Lentil. What's the difference... Jews will get blamed.

Announcements
We checked with the rabbi. Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Though many Jews celebrate with eating turkey on Friday night, it's not part of the holiday. Even if you are living in Israel, the rabbi said there is no requirement to celebrate two days.
In addition: Contrary to what our community has done, we want to make it clear that cooking turkey is not the same as cooking brisket.

We are going to be sending out a petition to change the name of Black Friday. It sounds like a plague and it is just a matter of time before they blame the Jews for it. Please sign the petition.
 
Shul protests are best done with the walk out. Our congregants have begun a new form of protests and the rabbi is fine with it. As long as there is a Minyin, the rabbi is happy with congregants leaving in anger because they weren't honored with opening the ark. To quote the rabbi, 'Less congregants in shul is better for everybody.'
 
Historical fact: When first in America, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher. Then they found out you can make pastrami out of it.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom...

Yakov tells Esav to sell him his Bechora for the soup… Soup can be quite tasty, if you add soup nuts to it. A good thick soup with soup nuts... Yes. Esav sold it. It was lentil soup. Who doesn’t love lentil soup… If he would’ve understood the importance of the firstborn birthright, the Bechora, he would’ve kept it… Lentil soup is enticing. I know.
It was his attitude. The same kind of attitude I get from the board, and the Kalem family.
He was thirsty, but it was his attitude. Nobody clenches their thirst with lentil soup… We had lentil soup and brisket at Thanksgiving dinner. I still needed Coke… It wasn't gazpacho, Bernie. And you don't clench thirst with gazpacho... I know it's red. You also don't save a parched mouth with Bloody Marys. Tomato soup doesn't clench... Nothing red, other than Kool-Aid clenches thirst.

Esav’s response (Bereishit 25:32) ‘Behold I am going to die. What use is this birthright to me?!’… What is it to me? It’s your birthright… That’s how you see the shul’s halls… It’s nothing to you. You think that once you die, the carpet isn't important. There is more to the shul than you... You're the firstborn. Your family is greater than you. Stuff exists after you're dead.
 
The way the board sold the back hall for eighty dollars… It’s an eighty dollar a month rent and they have a restaurant back there. You sold something important and now it’s not the shul’s anymore… We can’t even park in the lot for Minyin… Their patrons get mad… You know how many congregants we lost because you sold the back of the shul to a fish joint. The shul now smells like fried fish…
‘Oh. The shul is going to die. What is it to us?’ You’re killing the shul…
 
‘What use to me?’ What can I get out of it? No care for anything but himself. No soul. Like the board. That’s why he got rid of the birthright.... Then why did you get rid of the picture of the two religious guys dancing... It's not mocking them. It's a great picture of two religious guys... Yes. It's a cartoon and they have big heads and payis...

We have to care. We have to care about how a turkey comes out. Or it’s not tasty.
We have to care about who’s leading davening… Or everybody will walk out. We’ll have a Chazin like this... You'll kill the shul.
We have to care about Black Friday… Or they’ll blame the plague on Jews… It’s a plague of not caring. It’s a plague of not thinking there will ever be good deals again. It’s a plague of sales dying.
 
Care about the shul… Or it will turn into a restaurant… You killed it. You gave it away.
When you think that death is final, you don’t care… Stuff lasts. The stains on the sofa in the back of the shul from the drunk patrons… No. Not of the shul. Of this sushi joint..
 
Bereishit (25:34) ‘And Esav spurned the birthright’… He couldn’t stand it. He held it in contempt... He was mad. He walked out... Great way to protest. But it's about him. The same way Herman goes off for a half hour with his Misheberyachs. It's about him... Well we now have contempt for Herman, killing our Shabbis with making the Torah reading take an extra hour...
You spurn stuff. A lot of spurning... Who here is a Bachur?... You spurn it.
 
When you get rid of something beautiful, like a good couch, you hate it. This is why so many of you hate the Gabai… The last Gabai was amazing… And the last president was not this president… The president should have no right. Dumb decisions that ruin the shul... You spurn it. You're all about spurn. Because you don't love it. You ruined it, so you spurn it. You gave away the shul to wasabi... Even your kids spurn.
Now the kids hate coming to shul… Candies taste disgusting when you smell fish. They now spurn fish... They used to love gummy fish until they smelled fried fish...

Rashi says Esav didn’t like the birthright because he knew it came with requirements. A higher level of action… It would be nice if the shul president saw it as a calling to do something positive... Well, you do nothing positive. You do stuff like throwing out a great picture and telling everybody about the Black Friday Plague sale...
You run away from responsibility. You care about it, you're just lazy. The same reason none of our membership likes softball... There's a requirement to be decent... That's why we always lose...
To not want to serve H’ is the sin. To mess up the shul with long mishebeyrachs, a fish store and getting rid of the one decent painting... I know it's a print.

The painting was the one good gift given to the shul...
Esav fought his gift. He fought it because it took effort. It got in the way of his enjoyment. 'What is it to me?' When you start thinking about you, there are problems. You start doing long mishebeyrachs and you don't share the armrest. In H's house, that's a sin...
I heard this idea. 'You do you.' What does that mean??? Who is You? And why is You doing You?
Simmy doing Simmy is not good... Simmy messes up everything. Just being Simmy is Bitul Zman (a waste of time)... We need to adopt the phrase, 'Don't do you. You shouldn't do anything that is you.' And no more 'you go girl.' We're not living in the 1997...
Did the storm out. It was a great walk out… It was a protest against the Davener. I get it. Because the Davener, the one leading the service, was doing themselves. Somebody told them, 'When you're up there leading the Musaf, do you. You do you.'

It’s that attitude that life ends... If you didn't think life was ending, then why did you do a half hour of Mishebeyrachs, Herman?... And why do you do you?! You're not even the Chazin...
And why would you get rid of our history? A great painting of guys with payis flying all over, if life doesn't end, and there is a continuation of the soul?... That cartoon is the soul of our people...

Why should I do good? Why should I think about others? Because you don't want to end up with a president who's always thinking about lentil soup... Why are we having lentil soup for Kiddish today? It's not even cold this weekend... No. It does not clench thirst...
'I am going to do me.' That’s why you guys are always sinning...
 
Those kids going to Israel for free never spurned their Birthright... They care about free trips to Israel. No responsibility. That’s why they love it... Esav hated the Birthright because it wasn't free...
 
Do the mothers of the shul ask ‘why my children? Why are my children doing my children?’… Rivka asked why her kids are fighting… They’re fighting right now. In the hall. We can all hear it...
Children are the future. She was worried her kids would end up like congregants... Annoying... Have you ever been to a board meeting? Always fighting...
It's the selfishness of thinking there is nothing after death that leads to people giving up Birthrights and wasting their time, like the congregants of Beis Emes uSefilah, smelling fried fish, throwing away great art... It's not even kosher... It leads to you doing you. And when you do you, we get messed up Thanksgiving dinners with brisket. You get Sushi Palaces with half off on tempura being announced between Mincha and Maariv... We should be announcing learning. But they're coming into Davening to announce sales. We got a guy with a Tzedaka charity box going around, and Jimbo the chef passing out flyers... We know it's half off Wednesdays...
 
Show you care. Protest. Don’t give in. Don’t spurn. Fight for what’s right.
Next time the Chazin messes up, bang the Bima... Banging the table is a good protest too. It scares everybody...
Don't 'DO YOU'...

Yes. Thanksgiving is Jewish. Hoda'ah. Thanks... Just be thankful. If Esav was thankful, he would have understood the birthright... I don't know what that means.
I'm not thankful for the Sushi Palace...
And the Sushi Palace doesn’t even sell lentil soup... Because the Sushi Palace does sushi. Jimbo does Jimbo...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Why did the board get rid of the dancing Chasidim. I like how that picture hung right by the social hall. It prepared us for the Simchas, showing us 'this is how Jews dance.'

Always brilliant advice from our rabbi. That’s why I come to shul. The rabbi is very correct about the recipes for clenching thirst. Anything with tomatoes doesn’t clench. Daniella thinks spaghetti with sauce helps a dry mouth. She's a fool. Her kids are never well hydrated.
Between us, I am scared of Black Friday now. I don’t want to catch it.

A lot of selfishness in the shul. The rabbi is right about this 'you do you' stupidity. Less and less people have paid their dues doing themselves. The whole community is now doing themselves and I hear the shul doesn't have a Minyin.
And I looked it up. 'You go girl' is from 1997.
 
They took the rabbi’s advice. The next time they protested the Chazin they banged the Bima. It scares people on Rosh Chodesh, when they bang the table. And it scared the Chazin into going faster.
Due to the new walk out protesting method, the rabbi is now supporting the Chazin and calling up people to the Torah that nobody likes. He has very strong mixed feelings about the walk out method. Firstly, it shows discontent and the rabbi agrees with that. Sometimes, they have lost a Minyin, as everybody did themselves, leaving the shul. Secondly, congregants are leaving the shul, and that makes the rabbi happy. He is very happy not seeing them. So he supports the walk out and doesn't support it.
That was a long firstly. That was a firstly and a firstly and a half.

It truly smells like fish when you come into the shul. The restaurant in the shul is a bit much.
They really do push to the congregants. The flyers are a bit much. Jimbo even came over to the women's section.
There's not enough street traffic, as the shul hallway is in the back of the shul and you get there through the parking lot. They have a person standing there with the catch of the day, trying to lure the congregants in for dinner.
They should've thought about the traffic before opening. I think they were hoping to capture business from the shul's membership. They don't even pay their dues.
They want to hang a huge banner in front of the shul. The rabbi is not a big fan of Holy Congregation Beis Emes uSefillah being written on the wall in Biblical style writing, and then to have a huge neon 12 by 18 foot neon sign for Sushi Palace. They figure their slogan also speaks on behalf of the shul. 'We roll your sushi like the Torah scroll.'

The kids in our shul that go on Birthright feel no responsibility. I can tell you. They help with nothing.

The kids in shul were fighting the whole sermon. They were doing themselves.
It was a loud fight over Milk Duds. I think they get the wrong idea of the shul being a place of entertainment, as we got the chairs from the old movie theater that shut down. There's still gum on the seats.
You hear fighting and you smell fish. That's the environment at Beis Emes uSefilah.

People in the shul have to stop doing them. If they keep doing themselves the next Bar Mitzvah's Mishebeyrachs are going to be a good hour and a half.
All issues aside. The Thanksgiving brisket was outstanding.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Parshat Chayei Sarah and good times at graves in Israel, the board games of Israel, and how people at David's shul will do anything to park in a handicap spot, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at the congregants, and the amazing Israeli board games that teach our children that you need another person to play the game with.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is loved by Jews. Yet, the parade is not Jewish enough. I hope these ideas can help make the parade more Jewish, so that we can witness redemption in our times with some huge balloons.

Floats
Ice cream floats, that would be a something. I don't need to see truck flatbeds not carrying food. That's a waste. It's also boring. A truck full of pumpkins would be a spectacle.
I would be there to watch a huge ice cream float on wheels. That would be a thing. Other than ice cream, they can make the floats more Jewish if they would have a more Biblical look going on the floats. The problem with the Biblical figures in a scene on the flatbed is that gentiles would mistake the holiday for Christmas.
I would never suggest floats of Jews. The Belgian parade people would enjoy that too much. They'd be right there at Macy's pitching ideas of Jews with big noses and streimels holding huge bags of money.

Marching Bands
This is offensive to Jews and shouldn't be part of the parade. Jewish musicians do not move. They stand in one spot and focus. They can't do two things at once. They can't play the trumpet while multitasking. This is why Jewish men focus on learning and don't help out around the house. They can't multitask. And Jews don't fip batons. Even Aly Raisman never touched one of those.
Frum Jewish musicians focus. They don't do dance or pop shows. Singers should focus too. The only movement a Jewish singer should be doing is raising their hand in the air. This is why I question if Mordechai Shapiro and Gad Elbaz are really Jewish singers.
A Jewish wedding band on a float is fine. The floats should be moving the band. Band stays still and the float moves with a guy raising his hand, asking Gd 'why' while singing. I even question raising the hand, as it might be multitasking too much.

Performers
Music. That's it. The parade should just be music perfromances and nothing else. Jewish performance is music. Nobody is going to be entertained watching guys dance down the street in a circle.

Huge Balloons
Love these. Keep them. Giant Balloons are the parade. Nobody cares that South Dakota has a marching band. If Avraham Fried joined their band, that would be a something.
What would make the parade even better is if a balloon clown was there making the huge balloons to request. Those guys can do anything. They definitely are great at Bar Mitzvahs.
Though I love them, I do get scared when those things start passing above me on the street. I've seen Godzilla and what he can do. Those balloons are twenty stories high. Just because it's Chase from PAW Patrol doesn't make me feel any safer.

Balloonicles
After seeing the huge skyscrapper balloons, I'm not very imporessed. This just goes to show what happens when people get lazy. Instead of a three hundred foot balloon, now you get to see a clown riding a bycicle with Bulldog and SpongeBob.
Why have we never seen a balloon of the Shteeble Hoppers? Are they not mainstream American entertainement? They were played in my home all the time. Again. I am not suggesting Belgians get involved making these balloons.

MCs
These TV hosts are too smiley. MCs should not accept the parade as good. The MCs should be critiuqing the parade, arguing over the balloons not being good enough. Expressing disappointment at the giant cartoon characters. They should be complaining about the event and telling us how they would choose better balloonicles. That's what a true MC does.

Sales and Black Friday
I know Macy's is prepping everybody for Black Friday.
Can we change the name of Black Friday. It sounds like a plague. I'm just worried they're going to blame the Jews for that at some point.

If I saw this, I would be thankful. Until then, I will be happy with huge balloons.
Truth be told. It's all Bitul Zman (a waste of time). Everything other than the huge balloons. The parade should just be giant balloons. Those are Gd's creation.

Announcements
No Simchas this week. B”H. Everybody should show up for Kiddish an extra half hour early. Being we don't have to deal with Bar Mitzvah kids, the Torah reading will be read at a normal speed. There will also be no Hosafot and no Mishebeyrachs. And you don’t have to pretend like you are happy for the Balei Simcha, and that you love waiting for them.
 
The shul is now focusing on the future. That means kids. Not old people. All senior members should still pay their dues and whatever they pledged. Rebranding is the goal. And that means trying to forget that old people come here.
Along with getting rid of as many congregants as we can, we’re thinking of a new name for the shul. Any ideas for a new name from people who are under eighty will be appreciated. We don’t want to call the shul Thelma. To reiterate, the seniors should still give donations.
 
Congregants need to smile. Seeing the members of the congregation is more depressing than hearing our Chazin lead Musaf.
 
Seat fights must stop. The post-holiday seats are back to normal, and we’re back to the regular numbers of twelve percent capacity. You can all take your seats back that the board stole from you for the Chagim.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No Simchas this week. We’re going to talk about death.
Maybe you'll smile if we talk about death... Well nobody smiled at Ephraim's Bar Mitzvah...
 
Avraham honors the life of Sarah. Chayei Sarah... Honoring death is honoring life. And you won't even pay for a plaque...
 
You guys don’t honor the shul... The shul's history. That's its life... Yes. Nobody sponsoring Kiddish is the life of the shul. Tradition...
The shul has a history… Your parents and grandparents are part of it. Family that has passed away… I understand the board wants to not focus on death. This is the first shul board I have ever met that doesn’t understand fundraising…
They want to rebrand. How about we rebrand the board and get rid of the president… It’s fine. I have another three years on my contract… The president before you thought it would be a good idea to have a rabbi for more than one year. A rabbi that lasts. Tradition… Yes. A rabbi that understands history and family...
You don’t rebrand Judaism... You want to rebrand the shul as a jungle gym.
Let’s rebrand with smiles...
You’re unhappy all the time. Even when you are happy, you're not happy… That’s how you look. The back left is the darkness in our lives… You bring darkness to my life…
It’s Shabbis. Oneg. Delight. And then I see the back left. Rebranding are shul as darkness...
 
It’s dark to change people’s seats for the holidays… The board brings darkness to our lives. They take away tradition and bring darkness. When you take away people’s seats it’s dark. You're taking away their connection to the past... You might as well give them candy and let them know they can go home... You want the shul to be rebranded as Halloween...
 
People need seats. They need their chairs. Their grandparents had chairs.
 
It’s about warmth and tradition. That takes commitment…
Avraham doesn’t take the field from Efron. He wants ownership of MaArat HaMachpela. Commitment. He wants to make sure that future generations connect with their ancestors, unlike the board who wants the future generations to connect Hot Tamales... You can connect to Hot Tamales and your ancestors…
That's tradition. Nobody looks back to the history of their children to learn from how they made it to the blue math-book in first grade... Yes. I was proud of myself for making it past the red math-book, but that's not tradition... That's not tradition, Richard...
Smiles are tradition... They smiled. The last generation smiled. That's why people came to shul... No. They don’t like being around you. The lights went off above you. That’s how dark your area of the shul is… The kids smile because of the candies... Then start giving out candy to the back left of the shul...
Ownership. To purchase it… Shul is about tradition… People give money for family members who passed. Take ownership… It shows you care and you want to connect. Give your rabbi a raise...

(Bereishit 23:11) ‘Just if you will listen to me. I give the price of the field and I will bury my dead there.’ If the board would ever listen...
Let’s see if the board listens and stops making decisions… This way we can honor the shul. If we got rid of the board, we would honor the shul, as Avraham honored Sarah.
Avraham could convince Efron to raise money off death. That he can make good money off of Jewish ancestors passing. I can’t convince the board… It would be nice if the board understood the Torah.
 
You have to do stuff yourself. That's why I do everything for this place... You can't depend on a board. The board of Chevron wasn't easy to deal with either.
 
The shul has a history… I don’t know what it is. But it’s ours. It’s a history. We have to take ownership of it. Commitment… I know none of you will volunteer. You never help. But that is part of our tradition…
We can’t let other people do what is ours. We can’t have other people smile for us. We can't ask other people to do stuff and say they can't help. We must ask our members... They won't help. But that's tradition. We take ownership of not being helpful...
 
As Rashi says, Avraham is saying ‘I can’t do this.’ I can’t let other people do my responsibilities. I can’t take a field for the one that I love. I have to pay for it… Yes. His kids were mad. That was part of their Yerusha (inheritance).
 
The only thing that the congregants do take ownership of is armrests… You will fight with your elbows all day. 
You take people’s seats on the High Holidays... You moved forward during Davening Simcha. You were in the Keter plastic chair section... You did not pay for cushioned seats...
 
How do you deal with death?
When you get rid of the history of the shul, you’re killing it
If somebody could pay the shul’s electric bill… It’s dark in that area of the shul… If you focused on the seniors, there would be money for electric bills. There would be more light. If you focused on people’s ancestors… They pay for tradition. That means family members that passed... You're all sad over here because you don't focus on old people and death...
Even Richard and Frank, with all their darkness, would give money for family who has gone...
We’re doing a shul trip to Maarat HaMachpelah…
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I like how the rabbi brought up death. We’re always focused on Simchas and celebrations. We need to focus more on death in the congregation. The rabbi is right. If we focused on death more, we'd be happier.
The shul also needs money. Death is the way to get it. The new Yizkur books are messed up. They don’t have a death feel to them. That’s why nobody gave donations on Yom Kippur. Cards weren’t flipped. I want to write on the Yizkur cards, ‘Flip a lot of money. Your family member died.’
 
Nobody in the shul helps. The tradition of our shul is to say 'no.' People ask you to help and you tell them 'I can't.' We have to keep that tradition going. It's how we connect with our ancestors.

People came to shul because of the non-Simcha happiness. The not having to pretend like you’re happy for the people celebrating was the sale. And some of the congregants were even smiling.
Kiddish was bad though. Nobody took that part into account. They came for a a quick Davening and good Kiddish. Because there was no party, Kiddish was Kichel. With Bar and Bat Mitzvahs you at least know they’ll have some cake with frosting on it. Kids don’t eat Kichel. Once they've stopped teething, they don't eat Kichel anymore.
 
Richard really does look unhappy. His face has the look of a mourner.
I think the back left of the sanctuary took the ‘you bring darkness to my life’ as a complement. The men in the back left seemed flattered.
 
A lot of seat anger in the shul. I can't blame them. The board is rebranding and taking their seats. They've had the seats for fifty years and the board decided that kids are more important than ensuring people get their seats for Yom Kippur.
 
The rabbi wrote a book and handed it to everybody. It was about a history. It was called Tradition: Members Don't Help. It then went on to describe how the board messed up tradition, with new ideas like getting involved. And that killed the shul.
The idea of tradition and people coming to shul to connect with tradition doesn’t hit the board.
The names the board came up with for the shul's rebrand: Beit Knesset People. The Kinderlach Congregation. Teen Minyin. Pillar of No Old People Congregation. Beis No Grandparents. Anshei Donations Are More Important Than Minyin.

The rabbi did a shul trip to Maarat HaMachpelah. I think it was a vacation for him. It was just him and his family that went. The rabbi was happy

The reason why nobody smiles is they all think about life. Their lives are depressing. Look at our congregants. Can't even cook a decent kugel. If they thought about death more, they would be happier.
They don't honor death. Congregants won't pay for a plaques. They say the plaques are too expensive. Was four hundred shekels too much for Avraham?
At least the rabbi is focusing on old dead people. He's putting up the fight against the board and their new branding. As of right now, the board made it clear they hate old people who don't have a lot of money. The rabbi is thus only focusing on wealthy older people. The Finkelmans, a wealthy eighty year old couple, paid for his trip to Israel.
Speaking about liking death, the rabbi seemed to love Maarat HaMachpelah. He hung a great picture of him and his family happy and smiling at the burial site of our forefathers and mothers.

To sum it up, my name is now Mikakel Kaleekaku. That's how the good Jews know me. I don't say Gd's name in vain, and I will not allow my name to be the reason people are going to Gehenim. Thus, I added 'k's to the vowels.
My parents named me Brian. That was their mistake. I love them. To their defense, they didn't know that my name had a vowel. They didn't mean to be blasphemers, but they gave me the wrong name. It turns out they don't agree with that. And they also say I am still their child.
Here is the full account.

Visiting Mom and Dad
I came home and told my parents they gave me the wrong name. My mom wasn't happy. Why? I don't know. I thought they would be happy I was visiting. She also didn't like when I told her she bought me the wrong sweater for Chanukah. That was when I was in third grade. I still remember her telling me that I will wear the sweater.
They called our rabbi (at least it was their rabbi- I only grew up with him) and asked him and he said that Brian was my name. To quote, 'He always got called up to the Torah as Brian Ben Shlomo.' To note, my dad changed his name to Spencer. The rabbi refuses to call him up as Spencer. The rabbi was worried that the congregants wouldn't go for Brian Ben Spencer HaKohen being called up to the Torah.
My mom brought out the birthing records and the legal documents. She even showed me my social security card. She started yelling, 'All of these say Brian! Brian!!! We sent Brian to school! I gave birth to Brian!!! I think your dad even said, "If it's a boy, we're calling him Brian." I was in labor and he said Brian!!!!! Your name? Brian!!!!!!!!'

Follow Up Notes
My parents refused to call me Mikakel Kaleekaku. So we settled on Brykin.
After the whole debacle, Mom said we're eating dinner. I told my mom and dad that their dishes aren't good enough for me. They didn't like that idea either. I just don't think they understand what it takes to be a Jew.
They raised me a Jew, but they don't know what it takes to raise a Jew. I'll bring that conversation up at dinner tomorrow night. I hope they don't overreact to that too.

​Rabbis are spiritual leaders. Thus, they get asked many questions about Torah laws and how find a decent deal at the grocery. People who can't make decisions come to rabbis. And I have to deal with this.
I have to deal with many of life’s most perplexing questions. Here are some of the questions brought to me by the congregants. Here are some of the questions that deal with our tradition and how I dealt with them.
 
Why Did You Use a Blowtorch To Make Our Kitchen Kosher?
That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken a blowtorch to their microwave. That was dangerous. The rabbinic program should’ve offered a course in welding. The congregants wanted me to pay for their new microwave, and the table that also went up flames. I believe that is what the rabbi’s discretionary fund is for.
 
When Our Son is Getting Called to the Torah, Where Should We Stand?
Those parents wanted to be at the center of everything at that kid’s Bar Mitzvah. When I called up the young boy to the podium, to give him his prayer book in honor of becoming a man, his dad asked me, 'Where is mine?'
The parents left the congregation after being offended by my explanation that each person only gets one Bar Mitzvah. They didn’t like the idea of not being able to get Bar Mitzvahed again with each of their children. To make them feel like they were sharing in the celebration, when they were leaving, I whipped candies at them too.
 
Can You Do My Husband’s Funeral?
I didn’t want to answer that question. I told her that I would rather wait till he is dead before answering that question. I don’t know what her plans were.
 
Is That our Mayser? Does That Count as Our Tithe?
These people were trying to get out of giving charity. They wanted a definition of charity tithing that included their shopping for winter clothes. They explained their case very well. They told me that walking around without clothes would deem them poor, 'thus buying the H&M collection is charity.' They also asked for the shul to underwrite their trip to Hawaii, as poor people can’t afford three-week tropical getaways.
 
Is My Kitchen Kosher?
After tasting the brisket, I could tell you it wasn’t kosher. The meat was too lean.
 
Do I have to Make a Blessing on Mangos?
That guy has been trying to find a way out of every blessing, for years. His reasoning was that they have too big of a pit, and we shouldn’t be making blessings on pits. His reason for why he doesn’t make a blessing on the milk he drinks every morning: he’s lactose intolerant.
 
How Does Your Yarmulke Stay On?
I had no satisfactory answer for this. I can’t tell you how to keep your yarmulke on. For me, practice. Many years of practice. It has taken many years to build up my balancing ability. Even now, when there is wind, I have no idea how any bald man keeps a yarmulke on. I personally use the one-handed yarmulke clampdown.
 
I care and I am here to answer all of your questions to help with your religious needs.

​Announcements
We are asking parents to donate a slide, so the kids have something to do when they come up for Adon Olam. Many of the congregants are not happy that the kids are running around the Bima and sliding down the handrails. A slide in shul will help with decorum. The kids know that you wait in line for the slide.
 
Kids must not show off their candy in the front of the shul. They are sitting on the Bima in the front of the shul and waving their candies. Many congregants are getting jealous and jealousy is forbidden. From now on, if the kids are bringing candy into shul the youth director has to bring sour sticks for everybody. Candymen cannot discriminate against the elderly either.
If children run around in the front of the shul, they have to wave flags. Instead of candies, the youth director has been advised to hand out flags.
 
We’re changing the Shul Kaddish sayer. He’s depressing everybody. People are walking away from the mourners Kaddish too depressed.
 
Visit the sick. Something people in this congregation should do. It’s an announcement because nobody does it.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The Kaddish is depressing. It sounds like somebody just died. Every time... You appear with your Kaddish, Tzimi, and people are depressed. They don't even get that down thinking of their loved ones during Yizkur...
'Vayeira,' 'And H" appeared to Avraham...' It's about appearing at the right time...
It was hot out… I know Avraham was sick and he still welcomed the guests. He appeared.
You have it hard. You still visit the sick...
Back to the point. That doesn’t mean that the sick should visit you. Let's focus on the Mitzvah of visiting the sick... Because you people could care less. You haven't visited the nursing home... You appear there and your parents might think you care. The shul might get a decent donation...
You show up and you care for the sick. H' appeared and He cared...
 
No. You don't care. The kids are running around the Bima like it’s a jungle gym… Yes. It’s wrong… I know they’re kids. That’s why we have playgroups… They injure themselves there. We don't need to all witness them getting hurt...
I don’t know what kind of parent lets their kids have six taffys… That’s how kids get sick... 
Avraham wasn’t sick from candy. Avraham had his Bris. That’s why he was sick... Maybe he could’ve used some candy. Twizzlers might have brightened the mood for Avraham.
I know candy is why they come to shul… There’s a limit. And there’s a limit to rubbing it into our faces. Running around the Bima and showing off their candies to all of us. Shira screaming, 'Look at me!' Waving her taffies...
I don't know what kind of parent lets their kids run around shul, and doesn't visit the nursing homes...

Kaddish is making people sick. Your Kaddish is such a downer, The monotone is depressing... We need a more upbeat Kaddish...

You visit the sick… Coming to shul isn't visiting the sick. It's being around the not well. Bernie is... I know we all feel sick after hearing that Kaddish....
You visit the sick. You welcome guests. You do a decent Kaddish. Your kids don’t run on the Bima. And you host people right… Zerizut. You hurry to do Mitzvahs... You visit the sick like the angels, and you do stuff fast, like Avraham... Well. That's how you do it...
I don't know how fast the angels walked. They didn't stop off for a drink on the way… You don’t visit the sick fast. You don’t come in and say ‘I got to go.’ Why don't you at least visit the sick?! You don't even visit... You get their fast.
Zerizut is getting to the Mitzvah. The problem is you do the MItzvahs fast. You don't honor your parents by telling them, 'I've got to run.' You do every Mitzvah fast, other than Musaf. Because the Chazin likes to sing...
You guys are so lazy when it comes to Mitzvot... Do it when you have time? That’s how you guys parent. Avraham hustled to do the Mitzvah...

Avraham couldn’t move and he moved faster than the Chazin… It’s a long Davening...
Eating on Shabbat is a Mitzvah. The Chazin is killing the meal... You're stealing our meal time...
(Bereishit 18:6) ‘And Avraham hurried to the tent to Sarah, and he said, “Hurry up… and make cake.” And Avraham ran to the cattle…’
He did stuff fast. He didn’t make them wait, like you do with your long depressing Kaddishes. He didn’t make his guests wait… You didn’t even serve meat. It was Beyond Burger. That’s not meat… Stop. That’s a lie. It’s still different. It’s good, but it’s different. It’s a vegi-patty… Avraham wasn’t out to deceive his guests…
And Sarah didn’t fight… That is where the tradition of men manning the grill and not baking comes from...
You move slow. We didn't have a Minyin for twelve minutes... You were the tenth. You were at the backdoor. It took you twelve minutes to make it from the backdoor to the sanctuary... Conversation. Moving slow. It's all the same... Were you having a conversation with the Cazin???
 
Avraham was sick and he was less lazy than you… No. You run to visit the sick. They don’t have to run to greet you. Why I have to explain these things… You have no idea what a Bris feels like. Bernie. Avraham had his Bris when he was around your age. You had it when you were eight days old… Yes. Tim converted. He was under sedation…
 
The only people running in this shul are the kids. Because they’re excited to jump on the Bima… They’re excited to slide down the handrails… The banister is not monkey bars. Chaya. Be a parent.
They're waving candies like they represent their country... I know some of the sour sticks have lines. And they do look like European flags. Do the kids even know about Hungry, Romania and Lithuania?... It's like they're proud citizens of Ferrara Pan... 
Maybe if you visited the sick. If you appeared at a nursing home every once in a while, the kids would be right... Yes. They would run and trip over some old people in wheelchairs... It's better than them doing somersaults during Musaf. Even if it's taking way too long, because the Chazin moves slow...

Once you get to the Mitzvah, you relax. When you are with the Mitzvah, you don’t run anymore. You do it... You appear correctly. And you don't do flips on the rabbi's shtender...

Rivka’s Rundown
The congregants got the wrong message. They started doing everything faster. The Amidah prayer was done in thirty-five seconds.
People really move slow to Mitzvot. They show up to Minyin real late, even when they're there.
 
Our rabbi is always able to bring history into his sermons. I never knew where the tradition of men manning the grill came from.
 
It’s like a park. The kids are now running around the shul. Parkour is the worst thing that ever happened to our shul.
They were playing hide and go seek during Anim Zmirot. One kid was hiding behind the curtain. I heard that some of the kids have been studying acroYoga. I am afraid they’re going to cirque du soleil the ark curtains. Parkpour into the curtains and then swing down on the drapes. 

The rabbi is right. The candies are a bit much. There was a fight in shul, as many parents didn’t want their kids having candy. Those kids didn’t want to come to shul anymore. Why would you come if your parents don’t give you candy???!!!!
So now, kids are stocking up on the stuff, just in case their parents ban candy again.
It’s an addiction. The powder candy too. That stuff has me questioning if it's laced. It might be the laced stuff that has them running around and sliding down the Bima railings. You can't be on the wagon, thinking it's fine to flip over a railing in the middle of Adon Olam.
Between us. The kids don’t even need the candy. They’re crazy.

And now that the shul is trying to draw more kids, they’ve put in for a monkey bars grant. They’re going to place the bars between the men’s and women’s sections.
Why they’re trying to draw kids, I don’t know. I don’t know how they can afford the dues. They definitely won't be able to afford the canteen the board is adding to the back left of the women's section.
 
Working on Kaddish synchronizations isn’t easy. If there's a good mourners’ choir, the depressing drone will be overshadowed.
The rabbi had the Kaddish people practicing in acapella form. The board suggested a band to back them up.
Fools. These people making decisions in the shul don’t get Shabbis. Truth be told. If a band can drown out the drone, it might be better for the congregation. I am sure the rabbi can find a Heter.

Many of the congregants were shocked to hear that the veggie-patties are not meat.

The message of appearing for the sick is a beautiful one. If any of our congregants visited the people in the nursing home, that would be a miracle. Legends would be written about the appearance of somebody from our community that cares about the elderly.
Truth is, if they circumcised the residents, some people might show up for the Seduas Mitzvah (the meal of celebration). At Kiddish, the members were all saying that they only showed up for Avraham, because they knew he had leftovers from the Bris.

Anti-Semitism was at an all-time high. A non-Jewish townsman called a Jewish man a Jew. 'What do we do? How many Jews need to be called Jews before too many Jews have been called Jews?' Asked Moishele. Berel the Gabai responded immediately, 'We will fight it. No Jew should be called a Jew.' 'That's my Gabai,' announced Fayge. Moishele continued, 'But how do we fight it?' Berel responded again, 'That's a different question.'
All were scared. The Wise Men of Chelm discussed the situation throughout the evening and decided that they were Jews. After days of discussion, they couldn’t figure out why anybody would call a Jewish man a Jew. It was an outrage. All were scared to leave the meetings, lest someone pass them and call them a Jew. The cry was heard throughout the town, 'How do we stop Jews from being called Jews?'
The shul board of Chelm sat, wise in number. 'What do we do?' was the question that was raised again. 'Brilliant question,' Fayge admired. It was decided that they should all wear baseball hats.
The next day they wore baseball hats, but that didn’t work, as nobody plays baseball in Chelm. So, they met again.
They brainstormed for a few more days, and tried different ideas like becoming more athletic, shopping at Walmart and becoming ice hockey fans. Nothing worked. They even ate sushi. Nothing helped. They were still Jews. Shlomo advised, 'Maybe we should just call ourselves "people"?  This way, nobody could call us "Jews.”' Bayla loved the idea, 'We will identify as people.' The rabbi commended them, 'Identity is very important.' And they all left that meeting with people pride, walking the streets of Chelm with yarmulkes, head coverings, skirts and bekishas. And all of the townsmen of Chelm hated people. 

Epilogue
People stopped hating Jews. B"H.
The meetings led to many more meetings of confusion, as the board couldn’t decide if the decision of being called 'people' was made by Jews or people. Many people became offended as people. 
The ADL did not get involved in this episode, as they focus on people not hating Jews. They were at a loss.

The next week, one of the members of the congregation said he heard the word 'Jew' being used in his Jewish history class at Chelm College of Culture. 'Disgrace!' they shouted. 'What should we do about this? Anti-Semitism still exists two thousand years ago,' Moishele said. And he continued to philosophize, 'And it is people who are saying this.' Yankel jumped in, 'We will lock the doors of the shul, so no people can get in.' And no people were allowed in the shul, and the shul was empty. 

I have been part of the community for years and I am just starting to realize what violent people the members are. It started with a kind hello. It was a physical 'Good Shabbis' hello. Then there was Kiddish. People are violent when there is still meat in the choolante. And if there is ever a decent babka, I've learned to protect myself. And I've noticed other violent people in shul. And don't let age deceive you.
Here is violence you should be aware of and watch out for when going to shul.

They Will Hit You to Say Hi
I don't know what it was. He said 'hello' and hit me. He said 'Duvidel' and whack.
He thinks he’s being friendly by hurting me. Being fun by bruising me. I told him, 'Your friendliness injured me. There's no reason to whale on me to say "Shabbat Shalom." I will have a good Shabbis without getting hurt.' 
Watch out for being liked. I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy. You get hurt being somebody's buddy. When you're a buddy, they punch you. I started to realize, elbows and kicks are all part of being friendly at shul, when you're their buddy.
Close family can hurt you too. They can get violent when you show up to Simchas and they hug real tight. The caring relatives are more dangerous than buddies. I want to be a distant relative to all people. Show up to the party and people are shocked to see me. It's safer to be the one who people think crashed the party, where they're trying to figure out if they recognize you.
I'm the buddy and the close relative and I'm getting nuggies. They love me and I'm getting hurt. I don't like it.

COVID Elbow
I thought that's how people say 'hello' now. No. It's how they hurt you.
They've moved away from the handshake and they now give you an elbow. But these older men at shul are attacking me with their elbows. They have no control. I got one elbow to the chest. He wasn't even my buddy.

Kiddish Elbows
Approaching the Kiddish table? Be ready. Some congregants get violent when it comes to kichel. The closer you get to the choolante, babka and herring, the more viscous they get. And they claim their spot with their elbows. Watch your eyes too. Fran poked me when I got near the Danish. She felt my presence and was worried that her elbow wouldn't be enough to keep me from the pastries.

The Hand Squeeze
They squeeze real hard. Why they try to hurt me when welcoming me, I don't understand.
There's a lot of ego behind the 'Good Shabbis' handshake. One shake with an older member of the shul lasted three minutes. He wanted me to cower. I held on and didn't give in. There was no 'Good Shabbis' said. We just stared at each other squeezing. Finally, when he let go, we walked away. He gave me a little nod. 
After the hand squeeze assault, I saw him walk over to Fran to murmur something. I believe he said, 'We're going to have to watch out for this one at Kiddish. He has a good shake. We're going to have to use our elbows on this one.'

Armrest Elbow Attack
The shared armrest. That's a fight. The guy next to me never looks at me, but he is throwing elbows. 
I believe that the members of the shul think that if they don't acknowledge it, it's as if the violence isn't happening.

Candy Throwers 
Ever thought the people in shul were nice? You weren't Bar Mitzvahed. They throw those candies hard. I never thought a Sunkist jelly candy could hurt so much. That's before Reb Shmuli showed up to my Bar Mitzvah. I never did anything to that man. All I know is that he throws hard and has good aim. 
It might be an in the moment anger caused by the Bar Mitzvah boy making Davening take an extra forty-five minutes, ruining the people's Shabbis. That's the only reason I can think of for whipping candies at a kid, and causing such pain to a Bar Mitzvah boy who spent half a year trying to get the Torah reading down.

Candy Collecting
The kids learn their violence from their parents. They see the candy, watch out, they're throwing elbows too. They'll run over seniors. They will tackle a toddler for a Mike and Ike. They'll slide under your seat and trip you if they have to get to a sour stick.
Be it the Bar Mitzvah candies on the floor, or the line for candies at junior congregation, they're violent and they're throwing elbows.
Martial arts has been encouraged in some circles. Some parents have sent their children to MMA so they can get some decent taffy.

And watch out for rubbing people the wrong way. They will get violent if you provoke them. Every member of the shul parks in the disabled parking spot. If I ever tried to take their disabled parking spot, they would run after me and start whaling punches on me. 
People have to be less violent when coming together to serve God. Until we can stop the aggression, whatever you do in shul, be sure to protect yourself and watch out for elbows. And don't underestimate how strong Fran is when she sees blurberry Danish.

Announcements
In a new effort to bring Jews closer to their faith, community members are now required to invite people for Shabbat dinner. The reason Jews aren’t Shomer Shabbis is they’re too lazy to cook. Many people have promised the rabbi that they'll start keeping the laws of Shabbat if they receive free meals, and free tuition for their children along with free meals at school. For people to remain religious, it was suggested that all choolante have kishka. Otherwise, more Jews will stop keeping Shabbis.
 
Everybody should learn ‘VAta Banim Shiru Shiru.’ The shul is now using it at least twice every Shabbis. Until Shwekey puts out a better tune for Kedusha, that's what the shul will be doing.
 
Yasher Koyachs need a reason. It seems our congregants are commending people on jobs well done when they've done nothing.
 
No more using laundry as an excuse. We understand you have kids. You should still be able to show up for Minyin.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lech Lecha. Go for yourself. Maybe show up to Minyin... Go for the shul. Maybe join another congregation...
What does Avraham take when he leaves Charan?... Not laundry. He left with clean clothes. And he prayed with the community.
You put in the load and leave. You don’t stand there and stare at it… You can load the dryer later. You show up to shul… Avraham would’ve showed up to shul… Yes. They smelled bad back then.
I'm thinking about leaving this shul... I'm not a high school football coach. I can't even inspire you to come to Minyin. You'll be fine...
 
(Bereishit 12:4) 'Avraham was seventy-five when he left Charan.' We can't even get Bernie to walk up for an Aliyah in less than five minutes... He walked all the way to Canaan. Yes. He was in shape. Seventy-five and a spring chicken... Maybe Canaan is where they retired to back in those days. I think spring chicken was used bakck then. You saved money staying with your parents, but the weather in Canaan was warm. Doctors suggested...
Is that where you get it from Pinchas?! Get out of your parents’ house... I know you can save money like that. I know they do your laundry. They say that's why they don't come to shul... Tell your parents that laundry is not an excuse to not pray. They can't show up to shul because they have to take care of you?!
He did stuff when he was seventy-five. So you're eighty, Bernie. Nobody cares. Do something.
He left for Canaan. He left with a people. You won't even help setup for Kiddish... Leave the shul. Avraham's building tents, altars. He's doing stuff. You guys can't even help put together a bookcase for the shul library. How about carrying the choolante out for Kiddish??? 'Oh. My back.' Avraham had no moving company. No truck. He was the truck. They walked. They walked to their retirement, and then lived another hundred years... They lived for a long time. Probably because they weren't lazy and helped with Kiddish. And they didn't have to watch over their children... Maybe Lech Lecha is H' telling Avraham to get away from family. To run away from the children...

Even when you're old, you have strength. Bernie is just no healthy.
(Bereishit 12:5) He made souls in Charan... That's what he took with him. His built up wealth and the souls... He didn't just give up after he reached 50, like the Men's Club... You all gave up. Not one soul shows up... You put together the program, Frank. You put it together and you didn't even show... Then have a Shabbat meal. Make some decent BBQ, because you can't cook anything else, and have a decent Shabbat meal. That's how you make people religious...
You can make people religious if you're out of shape and lazy like Bernie. You build altars. Activities. You need to do stuff and feed them...
Do stuff. You're old. Go bowling. Play shuffleboard. Play BINGO. Watch Hallmark...
He did more than invite them for dinner. He took them on a trip to Canaan. Birthright. Free trips makes people religious too. Not just free dinners
He brought them, even though he had to do a lot more laundry... Laundry is not an excuse. Avraham didn’t use laundry as an excuse to live near his parents, so they could help him.
And he still showed up to Minyin... You guys will use anything as an excuse to not help with Minyin... You don't work. You're retired... You can at least cook. How about this. Go on a trip. Go on a journey...
 
And do something for your husbands. This isn't just about the men doing nothing.
(Bereishit 12:11-13) And his wife had his back. He tells her they're going to Egypt, so she should go in harm's way, so they don't kill Avraham. That's a wife... She has her husband's back, Rachel...
We're talking about Shalom Bayit of the shul, and Shalom Bayit of the home… Take a step up... Yes. Women also have to step up.
You make people religious with food, and good tunes. Let the Chazin know his tunes are horrendous...
'VAta Banim' is a great tune… That’s why I use it all the time.
 
There are no excuses. Do things right. You have strength when you're old... Some people, who keep in shape have strength... I know this is empowering.
You need to be empowered to empower others. Avraham was empowered. Who here is empowered?... Nobody? OK. Well. Let us at least focus on helping make other people religious. We need good food, activities, trips and tunes. And we need to present Frumness right...
​
Meaningful Yasher Koyachs make people religious... You have to congratulate people on a job well done right... Or nobody will be religious. You don't wish a Yasher Koyach when the guy bet on the right team. Yasher Koyachs are for positive reinforcement.
You can’t wish a Yasher Koyach for everything. He kissed the Torah… He pulled an ark curtain and kissed the Torah… The guy walked into shul and you said ‘Yasher Koyach.’ You should’ve said ‘Good Shabbis'... Good Shabbis and Yasher Koyach are not the same thing... And you should say 'Thank you' sometimes. Yasher Koyach is not saying thank you. It's telling the guy he did the right thing, for you... It's wrong. Even if you're the Gabai, you sometimes say 'Thank you.'
'VAta Banim' is a good song… When we do it for Na’aritzcha, that deserves a Yasher Koyach… Even if the words don’t fit and we have to say a bunch of words fast, it still desrves a Yasher Koyach... Because it's a good song. It's a good song and the Chazin isn't singing it. Maybe thank me.
Open up the curtain to the Aron is questionable. Pulling the curtain string to the ark really doesn’t deserve a Yasher Koyach... If it's the High Holidays and they paid two thousand dollars for it. Then, you wish them a Yasher Koyach...

You give free stuff. Avraham took care of his followers… That’s why they followed him. He had good food and he took them on a trip...
Shalom Bayit is with food
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi’s new free stuff to make people religious campaign was nixed, as it came off as anti-Semitic.

The old people being able to do stuff was a strong message. It was confusing, as the rabbi kept on calling them old. But he said that you can still do stuff when you're old. They didn't help with Kiddish still. They also didn't help put the Siddurs back after Tefillah.
The rabbi did empower some of the older people to start exercising, so they can walk to Canaan. The exercise turned into a shul powerlifting team for the elderly.

The rabbi was trying real hard to get Bernie to move away. He wants him out of the shul. He even suggested Canaan, wherever that is.
After the sermon, congregants were trying to figure out where Canaan is in Florida. They were hoping for a decent price on a condo. As Milt said, 'If it's good enough for Avraham, it's good enough for me.'
When they heard that Canaan didn’t develop phase four yet, and there was no golf course, they decided to stay in Topeka.
 
'Do something for your husbands.' The rabbi was trying to get people to buy gifts for their spouses for Chanukah. It just got the wives mad. Next time, I think he will be better off telling the people to sacrifice their lives for Egypt. 
When it comes to equality, the rabbi has to understand that women should never have to risk a life. Is chivalry gone?
He should've told the men to risk their lives. That would've gotten a better response. If the rabbi would've told the men to risk their lives for a decent meal, and to go shopping at Krogers, that would've been appreciated by all. That means the women. The message should've been that Avraham cooked for himself when Sarah was with Paroh.
 
The rabbi has been singing that song. He must’ve heard the ‘VAta Banim’ song recently. He seems to love it, and uses it for everything. He even used it for Kiddish.
At least he fits the tune and the lyrics. Or he tries. The tune doesn’t fit the words of all prayers, but our rabbi is a committed man, and he will use it for every song he sings. It’s his theme now. Like any good Balei Tefillah (somebody who leads Davening- not bringing the Chazin in here, because he's annoying and does his own thing- he doesn't lead), the rabbi has decided to never give into the words, and to keep the tune going no matter what. I’ve heard him throw in eight words to the last note of the song. He mistimes the words. But that is fine, as we know the tune.
To note: Nobody became religious listening to the 'VAta Banim' tune. You have to already be religious to appreciate it.
 
Shmuli wished the guy a Yasher Koyach when the guy came back from the bathroom. He was walking to his seat during Torah reading, so Shmuli thought he got an Aliyah.
The rabbi really hurt feelings saying that the opening the ark Yasher Koyach is questionable. The men of our shul feel like big Machers when they pull the string to the curtain.
I've heard the women of our shul say that their husbands never helped close a curtain in the house. For that matter, they have done nothing in the house.
 
Knowing that Avraham took clean clothes to Canaan. That's information that only our rabbi would know. Huge laundry discussions happened in the shul at Kiddish. Then, meetings were heald during the week. The meetings were held during Minyin. So, the shul couldn't get a Minyin.
Everybody is using Persil now. It's the new popular one.

No discussions were held about hosting people for Shabbat dinner. I think the congregants decided they didn't want more religious Jews in the shul. They wanted the non-practicing Jews to join. Later on, the board decided to host wine and cheese programs. They figured that would keep the new members not religious. They also charged for the event.
I fought with the board to have a herring and schnapps event. It didn't happen. I did what I could to support the rabbi and to try to help people become more religious.

Rabbi Mendelchem ended up staying. He decided to stay and didn't go for himself. I believe he got caught up in the sermon, thinking he would head out and go on a journey to a new congregation 'for himself.' He didn't find another job, and he couldn't ask for the raise.

This interview took place in the parking lot when I noticed that there were no spots left near the entrance of the shul. As I was getting out of my car, way down on the other side of the parking lot, Milt drove right up to the shul and took the handicapped parking spot. Ethel was being wheeled in on her walker from way down on the other side of the lot. The shul was packed.

What are you doing here?
​I'm here for Minyin. 

So, why are you...
I can't talk. I've got to run.

Exactly. And I saw you running at the JCC. How did you end up in this spot?
I have a tag.

Do you have a disability?
I'm old.

Old isn't a disability.
Did you see my limp?

But you were running in the gym?
I'm old.

No. Milt. You're in a good shape. You walk to shul on Shabbis.
Gd does that for me. I don't know how it happens. He gives me the strength. Bless Him. The only day he gives me great strength is Shabbis, when I can't drive.

So, the only day you have strength is Shabbis? When you can't drive.
Praise Gd. B"H.

Did your doctor give you the sticker?
No.

How did you get the disabled parking sticker?
​I inherited it from my wife. 

That was in the inheritance?
​It should've been.

Milt. You don't inherit a hip fracture. You don't get the kids, the house and a broken hip.
My wife passed.

I'm sorry. She should have an Aliyas Nishama. We miss her.
(No response from Milt. I think he was just thinking about the parking spot. He wasn't reminiscing about his wife and how he misses her. His wife was secondary to the conversation. The handicapped parking spot is what matters.)

What about Ethel? She needs a wheelchair and somebody to push her.
She didn't lose her spouse.

She did lose her spouse.
But that expired. Her husband past away twelve years ago. The handicap passes expire.

I am sorry for your loss.
Oh. How I miss her. We were together for so long. The parking sticker is all I have.

Conclusion
We missed almost all of Davening. More important than Minyin is a conversation. Any member of our community will get sidetracked and miss prayers if they get into a conversation.
I had to leave in the middle of Milt's eulogy for the parking spot. I had to go pray.
You can't argue with loss. He lost his wife. He deserves the spot. He didn't feel like she left him with enough. He needed the spot.

When somebody passes, their family gets a parking spot at the shul. That must be the rule. They should turn it into a bereavement spot at shul. Whenever people say Kaddish, they get to park at the spot. It seems that even grandkids inherit disabled parking tags.
Or it can be a seventy and older spot. All the members over seventy seem to have notes from their doctors. If they didn't inherit a good sticker, they get high dose prescription drugs and parking passes from their doctors.
Bereavement or old people spots. If you ask me, the wheelchair is misleading. The people in wheelchairs have to walk from the other end of the lot.

BILL 2 – People Must Work the Month of Tishrei Even if There are Holidays in September and October

Act
Force people to work on work days.

Problem
Nobody works from Rosh Hashana till the week after Sukkot.
a) My electricity was out in my place. The electric people couldn’t come till after Sukkot. They said it was a holiday, and they were angry that I disturbed the holiday for them. The electric people were enjoying the holidays. I believe they had electricity.
b) They just got off summer vacation. 
​c) How do they have sick days too?
d) The people I need help from see the summer through the holidays as a straight vacation. Even when the holidays go through October.
e) Garbage doesn’t get picked up. Sanitation said they have a right to vacation too.
f) I heard the school year started, but I saw no kids in school all of September or October.
g) The week after Sukkot is not a holiday.

Solution
Work on the days that are not holidays. If there is a holiday in a month, that does not make the whole month a holiday.
a) No countrywide conspiracy to get out of work for a whole month.
b) No more unions in government supported agencies. The union and the government together with holidays, these people are never working.
c) No more non-religious people claiming they are religious for September and October. I do Teshuva every Yom Kippur. I think this is a scam.
d) People who work for the government cannot make up random rules that ruin my life, like a dedicated piece of the Tel Aviv beach for Matkot. 
e) Choose if you want off for the summer or the whole first month of the school year. You get a choice. You can’t have both. Nobody cares if you have to cook for your family. When their water stopped and they can’t pay the bill because nobody is taking calls, they don't care about your extra vacation… With this in mind, we are going to introduce the concept of shifts. The idea is that some people work on days when other people need to take off. This way I don’t get screwed, and the garbage gets taken. And ELAL remains an airline next September.
f) People who work for the government have to work, sometimes. I understand that's not going to be a popular part of the bill that government will have to pass. Let’s add this here- People who work for the government have to know what their job is, and what they're doing. If you work for Mas Hachnasa (Israel Tax Authority) and you give a fine, you have to know what that fine is for. It can't be a decision you came up with because you don't like Davids. Even if that's how you decided you shouldn't be working the month of September, how my name causes so much revolution is beyond me.
g) Start school in October. The two days of school in September are not enough time to teach our traditions of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and how to scam days off work. And don’t tell me that knowing how to make a paper chain means you learned about Sukkot.
h) No more summer vacation. They are not working anyways. Better yet, no more vacation.
i) When January comes around, you can’t claim that we are close to the southern hemisphere and we should be vacationing now too.
j) Introduce Labor Day to the guy at my Makolet, so he knows that he should start working normal hours again. When they see the holidays they think there's another vacation.