Kids were running all over the stage. No candy was thrown. They’re just running. They were using the ark curtain as a cape. It’s out of hand.
This new parenting thing is not working. The parents bring their kids to shul and let them run wild. They believe that as long as the children are contained, they’ve done their job as a parent. The fact that I can’t say the Amida and pray without a child knocking into me is not the parents’ worry. The new ideal is for your child to love religion. I think the kids love jumping. They jump on the Bima (stage). They jump on the chairs, in shul. They used the community Chanukiah as a slide. I don't think they love religion. They love playing on religion in our shul. It's either let the children play, or send them to camp. If you teach them Torah, they will hate their religion. If they toss the books, they'll love it. Need that kid who gives the Mussar, ‘you have to learn Torah or you’re going to hell.’ I love when he gives the Dvar Torahs. The rebuke is amazing. It makes me feel good knowing that the other members in the shul are going to hell. The little ones need to hear that, so they’ll stop running on the Bima. For candy it’s fine. You can run in the shul for candy. It’s fine to throw candy at the Torah, if a Bar Mitzvah boy was reading. Ufrufs also. Truth is they do such a bad job reading. I believe that the candy throwing dates back to the stoning rituals. If you can’t read the Torah well, you’re definitely not keeping the Mitzvot. And they must’ve stoned the Bar Mitzvah boys for that. They turn thirteen and they’re required in the commandments. It only takes one day of sinning to deserve a stoning. So, we hand out candy to whip at them, because we know they're going to mess up. I’m really not happy with these Sunkist jelly candies being thrown. I think it’s making our kids weak. That’s what the rabbi says. He wants us to bring back the jawbreakers to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boys. I think he’s mad because he has to teach them Bar Mitzvah lessons, and they can’t read Hebrew real well. Stone them. It well definitely help toughen them up for basketball season. We lost again to Beit Kneset HaGadol vHaMitzuyan. We’ve got to toughen our kids up, and we have to stop feeding them Sunkist jellies. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon A Guten Shabbos My Kehillah. I want to welcome the new Candyman. Our dear tailor, Mr. Heimlowitz… No need to throw candy now… I know it ruins the kids’ pants, Mrs. Borstein. It’s indirect though… There’s no Mitzvah to jump on the ground for candy… Your kid was dancing on the Bima… It’s the middle of my speech… I threw candy so people would think she was up here, crawling, for a reason… Great Kippahs at the Feinblum Bat Mitzvah. A shoutout… I know. It fits great. Check it out… I took eight… The family didn’t need them. They all came to shul with their own… I don’t know why the Wisemans all wear the same Kippah. You’re not taking pictures on Shabbat. Don’t need a uniform. It’s not a Simcha… Every Shabbat is a Simcha. That’s correct. And that’s why I took extra Feinblum Kippahs. Amazing cooking at the Bat Mitzvah too. Great to have Kimmy back… The Bal Teshuva is judging me for putting down the Kippahs. Can you please stop judging everybody?! You stare at us and we feel like you think we’re heretics… I know you think we’re heretics. But we practice the traditions correctly… Upon bringing the Bikkurim (the first fruits required to be redeemed)… There were baskets... Yes. Wicker… I don’t know if they had the doilies or Bar Mitzvah Kippahs in the baskets, like we do at shul… Doilies are a very important tradition. That’s how we tell who the heretics are. Doilies and Bar Mitzvah yarmulkes that don’t fit… The Feinblum one fits. It’s for religious people. That’s how you judge people, Mr. Bal Teshuva. And they didn't have Bal Teshuvas judging them for not bringing decent fruits... Gd was judging them... (Devarim 26:11) The Torah teaches ‘And you shall “BE HAPPY” with all the good that H' has given you and your house’… Yes. You put good fruits in the wicker… Because Gd gave it to you. You don’t put the cucumbers that have been sitting in the fridge… The bottom gets spoiled. You’re going to bring H’ your spoiled stuff? Does that make Him happy?... You’re sharing your happiness with H.’ You don’t bring your bad stuff and thank Him for giving you the Simnowitz Cheesecake… It tastes disgusting. All soft and spongy. It’s a sponge cake. Not a cheesecake. You must be happy. Happiness? That is a hard demand… Yes, it says it. A commandment to be happy. You have a house, you selfish, good for nothing, entitled ingrate... You have no right to not be happy… And the children of this congregation running around the halls who have never shown an ounce of appreciation, as you have told them they deserve. Deserve? They deserve nothing… Candy at Bar Mitzvahs and Kippahs from decent Bat Mitzvahs they were invited to. They deserve that… They don’t deserve… Why is she still running up here? Usually, the dad does the carryout at this point. The quick pick up and carryout… Yes. That disturbs the sermon. But the kid is out and you can give her candy… Then bring candy next time. Stop with the Cheerios bags. They want candy... No. Take her. I have no more candy on me. Rashi speaks about Happiness meaning a time of happiness. The holidays. But the point still stands, to be happy… Ever seen yourself in shul on a Chag? It’s depressing, Bernie… I hear countless complaints from your spouses. ‘I’m slaving… the preparation’… Then help. You think that nobody helped carry the Bikurim baskets to Jerusalem? The family helped… You proclaim the Viduy… You confess because you messed up. I’ve seen you carry stuff. It spills… You definitely mess up your tithing... Everybody here has been complaining about the upcoming holidays for the past few months. Wahwahwah. The services are too long. You have services. You have a Chazan (cantor or chazin) who you have to pay for. Appreciate him… Yes, he went long again today. And it was painful. Very painful… Somebody should’ve thrown candy at him… You should be happy all the time… Because Gd gave you life. Appreciate it. Eat candy. And stop complaining about the kids’ pants… They’re in kindergarten. What are you shopping at Prada for?… You see. You don’t deserve… If you would just find joy in wicker and dried fruit... How do we learn to appreciate? How do we become happy? See the statement that we are told to declare upon bringing the 'First Fruits' to the priests, in Jerusalem. You state how our fathers were slaves in Egypt, they were tortured, H' heard our cry and brought us to Israel... Yes. There were more attacks. Remember the bad stuff. That's how you celebrate... (Devarim 26:5) ‘An Aramean (sought to) destroy my forefather’… You don’t want people to sought after you… Rashi explains that Lavan pursued Yakov. He wanted to annihilate all the Jews… There weren’t too many at the time. It was a family… Yes. We’re a family… Since Lavan wanted to do kill the Jews, and that was what he intended, H’ considered it as though he had done it (Sifrei 26:5)... Intention of evil is like doing it yourself. It’s as if you perpetuated the act (Yerushalmi Peah 1:1)… Yes. Got that from the Artscroll. I have seen the looks the Bal Teshuva… OK. Reuven. We’ll call you Reuven… Intention of evil is the act itself… You couldn’t ruin the Kippahs. You wanted to… Yakov is too great. Just like these Kippahs. They fit so well... But you intended evil. You messed up the candying of the Bar Mitzvah boy last week... It's tradition to hurt him with sweets... You perpetuate bad when you don’t realize the good you have. Lavan was looking at Yakov and what he had. He didn’t think about what he has himself. Lavan didn’t think to share his wealth… He complained. Just like Ms. Feinblum who complains about having to prepare for the holidays, and doesn't pay her dues… So how do you find happiness?... Exactly. You remember the real bad stuff. That's how you celebrate. Family fights... Remember what you have and appreciate it. Appreciate that you're able to bring gifts. Appreciate where we were as a people. How bad it was. And give a gift. I didn’t get any gifts for my birthday last year, as the congregation doesn’t care… If you would just realize that life is not good, you would love it… You expect too much from the family… Have the kids ever helped?... Exactly. Expect nothing and you will love them… I’m sure they yelled when the kids joined them on the Bikurim trip. Family trips are awful. And that makes happiness... If you just loved dried fruits and wicker... H' gave us the land of Israel. We cried out to H', when it was bad… Prayer works. Why you don’t come to shul?... You’re not grateful. I get it… When we see the land of Israel, we see Gd's gift to us. You might not know, because none of you paid to go on the shul trip last year… It’s when we feel appreciation, and give back, that is when we feel happiness... You can give back. If you gave Tzedakah (charity), you could give back… You don't give. You feel happy upon recognizing who you are, where you come from, and who has done you good. HAKARAT HATOV. Recognizing the good... You appreciate the racist country club didn't accept us for $30,000 a year... They didn't want you and you had to fight to give them money, instead of paying our shul's fees, or tuition to the day school... Mr. Silverberg, yes, the other parents are paying for their children. The school needs the $18,000 tuition to pay for the teachers' $28,000 a year salary and it is chai חי. חי is meaningful and thus we pay it. We cried out when they were beating us with whips and H' answered us and gave us Israel. Which is why we pay teachers $28,000... Yes. And paying full tuition… So, that other people can afford a Bar Mitzvah. You can’t be the only one bringing the baskets. Others need to be able to afford to plant too… Their kids are starving, because you don’t pay tuition… The bodega guy hasn’t done any of us a good. $5 for a half gallon. No. I don’t appreciate him… We feel good when we give back… Appeal… Your rabbi has given you so much, what have you given him back? There is the new rabbi fund supporting the rabbis new home for children of the rabbi. Have you shown your appreciation? Given back? Are you happy?... You should give money to the kids going to Israel appeal… They can buy dried fruits there. That’s good enough. Many people put those in wicker… You would be happy if you gave something and stopped going on vacations down south… No. Pay tuition in full and you’ll be happy... You can’t be happy when you have it good… They probably covered the wicker with a napkin on the inside... Giving teachers money could be considered Tzedakah. Good question... And stop giving to your children... No. They’re not perfect… That’s why they’re ingrateful. They think they deserve candy. Coming up on the Bima… You’re spoiling them. Giving them fruit jellies. Don't hurt the next generation and make the think they are worthy. Those selfish little... Running to kiddush and taking all the food before the adults get there. The adults also like the chocolate glazed Entenmann's. How can adults be happy when all they have are plain doughnuts? Sometimes just doughnut holes... Make them say thank you. Is the candyman the only adult that expects a little 'Todah'? Appreciation. Give back. Take yourself out of your spoiled little entitled world, and be happy... Have a give candy to Mr. Candyman Shabbat. Be happy… Fruit in wicker made them happy. We have to look back to when things were real bad… (Devarim 26:1) Can only bring Bikurim when in Israel… Lavan was trying to keep us from keeping the commandments of a people in their land… Aliyah? Anybody? Not going to happen… Lavan could’ve seen the blessing of Israel, but he didn’t. Like the whole left corner who doesn’t send their kids to Israel… After high school, they do a gap year. That’s what they do. Tradition… Then maybe signup for the shul trip next spring. (Devarim 26:9) H’ brought us from Egypt and our affliction to ‘a land flowing with milk and honey.' They even appreciated milk and honey… They appreciated what they had. It wasn’t flowing with steak… Good point. Who doesn't love honey in their cereal... Yes. Golden Grahams are the best... And when you have had it bad and you now have it good, you want to share… We're not asking you to share your post cereal milk. We know it's amazing, Frank. Thank you for... If we understand who we were, and that all we have is a gift, then we wouldn't be so selfish. Maybe you would stop complaining about the shnurrer guy, asking for charity, who has not stopped knocking on my door this week... I support your Yeshiva, Rabbi Carterberg. It is nice to have you here this Shabbat, where you cannot bother the congregants. Hit up Mr. Silverberg after Shabbat. 24 Horthorne Drive… You want to share. (Devarim 26:11) ‘then you shall rejoice… you the Levi, and the stranger…’ Rejoice with all. Share. After acknowledging Gd’s good, you share. That’s how you rejoice. You send invites. You give something to the Levis. You pay tuition… Yes. I am a Levi. And you have the chutzpah to expect a gift… You give a Levi a gift on his birthday… Joy comes from Gd’s good. You share it with Gd. And you share it with the Levi and the stranger… Then leave your doors open every once in a while. Somebody might come in. You might get a Mitzvah… The Gerwitzes didn’t share that last week… You didn’t send any invites to the Shabbat Chatan… It’s after understanding the hardship that we shall be happy. Happiness isn’t running on the Bima… Can you please get your kids off the thing… I will tell them. An Armeanean wanted to destroy your forefather… Now I have to explain what a forefather is? Who is educating these nursery schoolers??? You share candy at the Bar Mitzvah, and you make sure to hit the Bar Mitzvah boy. You send invites, so people know to come… Did Lavan share candy with Yakov?! That’s the issue. They probably fought over it… Didn’t have a good candy sharing system, which our shul is working on… Lavan probably didn't even invite Yakov to his son's Bar Mitzvah. That's what hate can do... In Israel, they share… The Bal Teshuva shares nothing… Comes to our house, eats and judges us… You share. You appreciate. You parent. You don’t let your kid run on the Bima… She’s back up here… I ran out of candy. Parent. Parent, so we can have Simcha… You give gifts. That’s what makes you happy. Knowing things are bad and giving gifts… All gifts have to be in baskets. Bikurim are about sharing and fighting. We finally have this beautifulness to give... When somebody comes to a Bar Mitzvah, you give them a yarmulke or a doily... Yes. That is an appeal for gifts… Good Shabbos. Even though you don't deserve it... I hope that brings you all joy. Mazel Tov. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha That may have been the longest speech I ever heard. I believe there were five appeals in that speech. Each one was a twelve minute appeal. Then, the rabbi gave a message to the Bat Mitzvah girl, who got up and talked. The Israel message got lost again. Nobody is moving. They don’t need first fruits. Krogers has excellent local produce. Everybody's fine with the newest fruits when they go Krogering. Krogering is a great activity that we should do as a shul. Every event, people complain about the food. We should go to the source, so nobody can complain about it. The rabbi did the shoutouts for a couple of weeks. He was trying to be hip. He thought it would connect him more with the youth. He didn't realize the youth wasn't forty years old. The kids were trying to figure out why the rabbi wanted to yell.' He wanted to do kiruv and bring them closer to Yiddishkeit (Judaism). After seeing Reuven, the Bal Teshuva, even the rabbi was not in favor of people becoming more religious. Reuven was constantly critiquing the rabbi. Nobody knows what the low teacher salaries has to do with reparations. How the rabbi brought that into the sermon. He was again, trying to connect to much with the young congregants and all that was happening last summer. The rabbi really looked good in the Kippah. The Feinblum Bat Mitzvah Kippah really fit his head. It cupped it perfectly. He’s been looking for a decent Kippah for years. The knit ones always look they’re falling off him. They don’t cup on the sides. I think people were listening to the sermon more this week, because they weren’t thinking about when the rabbi’s yarmulke is going to fall. Many of the interruptions have been because of fallen Kippahs in the middle of a rant of fervor, or people worrying the rabbi’s Kippah will fall off. The rabbi really went off on the congregants who don’t share. The next week, he forced the Felsenblums to have an open house. Their house is huge and he insisted they are not deserving of it if they don’t share it. They didn’t go for starting an orphanage in their home because they have a lot of money. I am with the rabbi. An orphanage would be right. I think only rich people should be sharing their stuff. They should be bringing it to Israel and sharing all of it. I asked the rabbi and he said poor people have to give Tzedakah too. That wasn't very woke of him. I don't know how he's going to give that message over in a sermon to the youth. People were worried they couldn’t use their money anymore, as they weren’t going to be bringing baskets to Jerusalem. The rabbi said that as long as they give money to the shul, they're fine. People also stopped complaining about holiday preparation, which caused a lot of family fights. He really did call them ingrates. I was so happy to see that. The kids all think they deserve candy. They get that from their parents that complain about Kiddish, and never donate the Kiddish. That’s a whole other issue right there. They take all the Entenmann’s and complain. Then you buy the Stella D'oro Swiss Fudges. Some of the entitled suggested a Ninja Warrior course in the shul's halls, so that their children can love Judaism. If it’s a tradition, they’re not ingrateful. The rabbi explained, if you spend 200k on a wedding, that’s not a waste, because it’s a Mitzvah. As long as you’re sharing. If you eat the 600 plates of halibut yourself, that’s not a Mitzvah. Monty’s International Gift Wicker pulled in tons of money from our congregants after the rabbi’s speech. The congregants sent a lot of baskets to Israel. The gift basket idea really killed it for the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids last year. The kids just wanted gifts. With the wicker, they got a lot of dried fruit. They couldn’t appreciate the gifts or share, as none of their friends wanted dried prunes. Their friends wanted candy. I think all were not grateful about the apricots. The Bal Teshuva got in a big lesson this week, from the rabbi. Appreciative? He appreciates nothing. He comes to our homes, eats and tells us we didn’t wash right. Somebody's got to do something about Reuven or he's not going to get anymore Shabbat meals. The tailor taking on the Candyman position is the smartest business move I have ever seen. He even got his phone number printed on the candies. The complaint about the kids’ pants turned into the congregation complaining about the rabbi saying that kids should go to Israel. There was a group in the shul that wanted to get the rabbi fired for trying to separate families. The Mitzvah of Aliyah was not discussed for the next few months. The rabbi was too scared. He already got in trouble for the three families that moved four years ago. Their love of Israel was hated by the congregation. And those families made up thirteen members. The rabbi was blamed for losing them. The give candy to the candyman appeal taught the kids to give back. But then the candyman gave the kids the candies back. It was a cycle of disturbance throughout the service. Kids were making two lines to the candyman. One to give and one to take. The candyman refused to give though. He insisted on throwing the candies on the ground. Tags:
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That's Shlomo on the left, showing his fist. It's not the same as Menachem's, and thus they decided that it cannot be used for building Sukkahs.
Rabbi Fishel taught the Mishna of Sukkah a few years back, in which it teaches that the Sukkah must be at least 10 fists (tefachim) high and not more than 20 cubits (amot) high. The class lasted many hours, as nobody knew what a cubit meant. Raisel explained what amot are, but nobody understood how that was a cubit, as they were different words. Shlomo said, 'I have never heard anybody measure in cubits. I build all the time and the tape measure doesn't mark a cubit.'
Upon learning the sizes of the Sukkah, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, known as Yankel for the sake of limiting the time it takes to get his attention, threw out the tape measure and broke the shul's ruler. He said, 'We must build this Sukkah according to Halacha, Jewish law.' Menachem insisted, 'I have a hand.' And so, they built the shul's Sukkah with Menachem's hand. It was 85 Menachem fists. They stayed away from cubits as that was too confusing. Questions came into the Wise Men and Women about the new town laws of Sukkah building, and Menachem went from house to house to help them build, as he had a fist. All knew that Menachem's fist was what you measured with. Menachem was getting calls from all over the province. Calls for bookcases. Calls for correct ladder sizes were coming in. Itzik's Renovations And Moving hired his fist. The local bike manufacturer has his fingers on retainer. The following year Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana. The Wise Men and Women were stuck. Duvidel said, 'But we all have fists.' To which Bayla yelled, 'You fool. Menachem has a fist. Yes. Do you have Menachem's fist?' And all kicked Duvidel out of the meeting for his foolish ideas. One townsman had the audacity to build a Sukkah without Menachem's hand. He said that it was the same size as his Sukkah last year. 'How could we be sure of that?' asked Berel the Gabai. Fayge jumped in, 'My Gabai is amazing. He is correct. We don't have Menachem's hand, so how can we know?' The townsman responded, 'They're the same sheets and slats.' But the Wise Men knew that slats can change size. And that Sukkot was celebrated with no fists, and no Sukkahs. Epilogue The following year, Menachem went to Uman for Rosh Hashana again, but one foolish member insisted that the walls were all the same as as they were. There's always one unintelligent new member at the meetings. Menachem wasn't there, so they were the wrong size. Thus, there was a crisis again. The only other measurement in town was Shlomo. Shlomo insisted that he has a fist. At least he told everybody he did. That met much argument, as his hand is not as big as Menachem's. Raisel was not convinced that Shlomo could measure 40 Menachem fists on all sides. Shlomo's hand business was ruined from then on. Raisel ruined his living. This past year, one new member of the board proposed using a ruler that he found in one of the children's backpacks. The child was studying in a school that has been banned by the Wise Men and Women since. He knew the dimension in meters. They refused, telling him 'We cannot build this Sukkah without Menachem's fist.' And they kicked him off the board with his ludicrous ideas of heresy. Berel the Gabai announced to all, 'As Jews, we measure with fists and arms. That is the only way to be exact.' The Wise Men and Women studied more Torah together, which led to more problems. A ruling was sent to all that it was forbidden to use rulers, tape measures and yardsticks, as they are not mentioned in the Oral Law of the Jewish people. Yankel is still mad at Menachem. He broke the ruler in hopes of making a business of his fist. The word got out and advertisements were placed in the paper asking, 'Does anybody else have a fist?' The Wise Men and Women of Chelm are searching for more Menachem fists. If you have a handbreadth, they would appreciate your letting them know. Menachem is not allowed to travel anymore. This Rosh Hashana, they are praying that Menachem will be around for Sukkot, and not stuck on a construction site, for use of his hands and arms. Tags:
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Reasons To Make Aliyah8/25/2021 
Olim, immigrants, debarking the plane. Blowing the shofar is the perfect way to annoy them. After the twelve hour flight Yishai decides to shock them with the loudest shofar he could find. (photo Brian Hendler- JTA)
Summer is coming to an end and Israel isn’t going to be as hot as it was the past few months. It’s now time to make Aliyah (move to Israel). The pandemic is coming to an end and it is time to make Aliyah, and book a flight while you can, before they come up with new pandemic rules. Here, I bring you some of the reasons that helped me make Aliyah. They inspired me. I hope they inspire you.
Older Jews Move Someplace Warmer I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie. I was getting older. That happens when you age. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem. At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie. You don’t have to Work The kind government gives you money to make Aliyah. That’s the only time you will refer to the government as kind. With the money from Nefesh BNefesh and the country, you’ll be making more than the average Israeli. They’ll complain about you till they realize that you can’t get a job because you don’t speak Hebrew. The money can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved. You’re Jewish. After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations of me. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three-year-old Israeli niece, and that’s respectable. I am an immigrant. I have accomplished immigranting, and that’s a lot. Anybody asks me what I’m doing, with pride, I let them know, ‘I made Aliyah.’ Fear & Anti-Semitism I want to thank the anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. They’re much more successful than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency. The attacking Jews Aliyah push works very well. Many people from the non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. As such, we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world. As for me. Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. I was reading up on Jewish history. I know what happens when Kodak goes out of business. Kosher Burger King The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew. Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah upon us. And our redeemer loves Vhoppers. To Meet my Naturally Blond Yemenite Girl This is probably my number one reason. I don’t know how they do it, but they’re all over Israel. Land of our Ancestors That was confusing. After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. I should have moved to Brooklyn. Torah You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion and Mitzvot. Am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?! Did I say something wrong? I am sorry. I feel like I offended people. You Have to Move Out of Your Parents’ House We each have our own story. This is mine. The final realization that I must move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can… I’m 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. All I could think to say was, ‘I am 25.’ I had reached a point in my life where I could do what I want, I can eat hamburgers at 3:30am. I can even get a job if I have to support myself. I’m 25. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to get a job, and I still like hamburgers. I am making Aliyah. Burger King is kosher. I can eat Vhoppers at midnight if I want. (Burger King closes before 3am. Otherwise, I would be eating Vhoppers then.) It was a hard decision, but I figured that if my parents would send me some money, I could still do what I wanted, without being scolded. It was time. I was 25 and it was time to make my own decisions that are not good for me. Why I was living in my parents’ house at 25. They had good food. The fridge was always full. I was able to eat hamburgers anytime I wanted. You Want to Find the Tree the Jewish National Fund Planted for You The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it. Jewish Homeland Love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the Israelis who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know, even if they never met me. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I left my parents' house. It's our national home. The yelling lets me know that. If anybody ever questions you, you let them know you made Aliyah. You could've been a doctor, a lawyer, a successful businessman in the country you grew up in. But you made the decision to not work a fulltime job. You let them know you made Aliyah and you are great at Torah, even if it makes no money. Next time, we'll talk of other reasons to make Aliyah, like if you're from South Africa. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Ki Teitzei8/20/2021 
Two Simchas this week. Nobody knew which one to go to. In the end we all knew who was liked more. It wasn't the Gerwitz family. Not many came to the Shabbat Chatan.
How important is a Shabbat Chatan? Probably more important than a Bat Mitzvah. Kids are tough. All on the floor. Parents are angry about the carpet ruining their children’s pants during candy throwing. It's the parents' fault. The shul has sent home a newsletter suggesting the kids bring kneepads to shul. The parents insist that kneepads aren't Shabbis clothes. That's on them. When my kids were growing up they wore a suit jacket, knee pads and chest protector. When going for candies you have to also watch out for elbows. My youngest wore the full hockey goalie gear. Every time there are two kids walking away with all the candy. Other kids have a black and blue eye. I can explain that. Kids do whatever they want now. They go up to open the ark and play up there. Running around the shul, doing tumbling. The carpet is good for ripping suit pants and tumbling. The new Bal Teshuva is getting on everybody’s nerves, judging everybody. Just turned religious. He was staring at my husband’s shorts for three minutes, in shock that somebody could wear shorts, as they are not modest. My husband was coming back from a jog. He doesn’t jog in a suit. You want to judge me with your eyes, I'll stare at you all of services. I was giving him looks all of Davening. He felt like he was on the wrong page the whole time. He's still questioning what he does, being new to it. I'll make him question more. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbt Shalom My Congregants Want to welcome the Gerwitz family... Nobody else is here. They're all at the other shul for the Bar Mitzvah.... You send invites. Nobody came because you didn’t send invites… The other shul poached our members again… Shalishudis needs more chips… Yes. I'm talking to you. You sponsored Shalishudis... OK. Seudah Shelishit. The third Shabbat meal. Whatever you want to call it. There should be more chips there... You didn't pick up any. You got tuna and egg salad... Chips taste good with them... The point is that Pinny is getting married and we want him to do it right... If there is a woman that you lust after… She's Jewish?... OK. Well if there's a second wife... Yes. You give her chips with the tuna. It tastes good. Right after speaking about war, the Torah talks about lusting after the captive women… Not focusing on what to do in the land. First we focus on the captive woman. Because you're all shallow... Just like this congregation, there is either fighting or lusting. Either fighting over who has the right to open up the ark on Yom Kippur, or lusting after a good Danish... We all know Stella D’oros are not coming back… Even in a war, if you took a Yodels captive, you would lust after it… If you would just lust after chips… (Devarim 21:11) If you desire the good-looking captive woman, ‘you may take her for a wife’... She’s captive… Her husband is gone. We’re not reliving the Fleishman Fiasco… This was war. Not somebody sneaking into your house at night… As H' knows man's desires, He does not say, 'No. Don’t take her.' Instead of forbidding the relationship… Men are shallow. Were you at the Migelberg Bar Mitzvah. Gaudy. For what? Nobody’s giving a gift more than $36. Double Chai is all you get here… Yes. They use it as an excuse. '$100? No. We'll give $36. That's double life. They'll like the meaning'… Oh, how many intermarriages in our congregation and nobody took the non-Jewish child captive first. Instead of forbidding, we are told to shave her head and to let her fingernails grow long… If you would’ve just waited a month and seen her nails, you would've married Jewish... If she cleaned them, that would be different. Good point. I don't think the Torah let her clean her nails... We are also told to remove her captive clothes. Rashi comments, 'Because they are nice'… Beautiful. Nice. It’s the same thing… Have you ever met somebody who was kind and not beautiful??? Because you’re shallow. H’ knows that… They dressed their women beautiful, to entice. Unlike the night gowns the women wear when they go shopping in Brooklyn… You win war by dressing women nicely… And Kol hakkavod, all the honor, to those women dressing in the nightgowns. They are צנועה, modest… They're not drawing any attention. Ever shop at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns. You put those on her... You should always make sure that your marriage is not based on attraction. Testing is good... We're not in the middle of war, Bernie. We're not idol worshippers trying fool our enemies with Swiss Fudge. I've seen the way you scrape it with your teeth. Disgusting... No. Your shorts are not attracting anybody. You have the most pale legs. Nobody would want to take those legs as a captive spouse... (Devarim 21:11) Rashi explains that the Torah doesn’t say ‘no’ because ‘the Torah is only speaking against the Yetzer Hara, evil inclination. Because if H’ didn’t permit it, he would take her illicitly.’ The same way the kids took all the candy… Attacking anybody in their midst. I'm literally afraid of the next Bar Mitzvah… We tried saying one candy bag a child, but you remember what happened in the halls after the throwing... Deals were going down with some of those nursery schoolers. This is why we do the shul programs. Because you would all be doing Asur, forbidden stuff. You would follow your Yetzer Hara and go lusting after candy... We would have learning all the time, but you wouldn’t do it. So we have shul movie night. Hookah in the Sukkah. Pizza Parsha. Either rhymes or alliterations. That's how we decide on programs. Alliterations entice you. Which is why we are stopping all programs... The only way to get you interested is to dress up the programs nicely. Look at you all, coming to shul in clothes that fit. Clothes that look decent. Why? Because you want to cause promiscuous shul activity. Eating choolante all sensually the way you do, with kishka coming off your cheeks. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, enticing… Let the choolante sit and you wouldn’t want to eat it. It's for the rabbis to buckle down on this and stop the disgusting way of dressing. The laws of proper dress are complicated. It should be asur/forbidden to wear clothes. The way you people dress, no more clothes... The Torah notices that the men are disgusting, shallow people. It has been too long that we have been blaming Dr. Fleishman for not being a faithful husband. It is time we blame the women... It is not his fault. It's only because she dresses in really nice clothes... Well would his wife let her sit in the house and grow her nails?... She doesn't dress within the rabbinical laws of Tzniyut, modesty. So please, stop blaming Dr. Fleishman. It's only because there are other available women that he does not take care of his family... (Divarim 21:12-13) The captive woman stays in his house. ‘She shall shave her head and let her nails grow'... That's what she does for the month. Can you think of something else to do with your time?! Maybe she mourns her husband... You have to have a heart for captives too. The Chazin care less. he goes on for a forty-five minute Kedusha... We have to go home. Your holding us hostage... We can't shave on Shabbat... I don't know if growing nails on Shabbat is Asur or not. Good question, Sir. (Devarim 21:13) Rashi says that he will stumble upon her, see her weeping and see her unsightly appearance. All this, so that she should become despicable to him. [Sifrei 21: 9]. Have you ever seen uncut fingernails and cut hair? It’s disgusting… Long unwashable hair… No. She can’t file her nails down… Because then he would love her for her nails. We don’t want him to care about her because she has a nice shine on her nails… Is mourning unsightly? If this guy had a heart, he would've set her free. In the meantime, he's mocking her for mourning... He doesn't deserve her Dr. Fleishman. You don't stand there laughing, 'Boo Hoo Hoo. Just lost your husband... So disgusting looking when you care'... If he allows the woman to mourn her family for a month, then he may take her for a wife. Because then we know he cares.... You run when she starts to cry... Say you have a meeting you're late for... No man wants to see a woman cry, or mourn, or deal with her emotions. As Dr. Fleishman never wanted to deal with his family's emotions. Don't worry Dr. Fleishman, I am on your side... That's why he ran away. He didn't care about them, he just wanted his beautiful wife. Then kids got in the way and made it emotional and too intimate. It is not his fault. No man should have to show sympathy or empathy... The whole point is to care. Even when you're lusting, you have to care... You don't eat like a slob. I've seen you with the Stella D'oros and choolante. Would've been chips too, if we had... No. You can’t take her as a slave... Does that show care? (Devarim 21:14) If you don’t want her, you have to let her go. You can’t keep her as a servant ‘on account that you have afflicted her’ You can’t keep people you don’t want… Doesn’t mean to throw out your eight year old because he is annoying... It’s a matter of being truthful in love… You have to care about the person. Shaindel has to stop setting people up… Because you have to love them physically first… You have to be attracted Shaindel. Rachel is still single, because you set her up with horrific guys… Rachel is fine. She cuts her nails… No. They shouldn't go shopping at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns until they're married... Let him learn to care later... The great teaching we learn from this episode is that it is only after she has mourned, and he saw her mourn her family, that he is allowed to have an intimate relationship with this woman. For it's only then, that the man has had a chance to see the woman as a human being, who he must empathize with. Once he is there, that means he really cares about her. She has suffered enough and she should not have to suffer more, from your disgusting vile, man behavior… Marrying her is adding to her suffering... Have you seen yourself? May we be zoyche to a life of true love and care. Where there are no clothes used to entice. No clothes used to eat choolante. No clothes... And now the wayward son… Not one of the four on Pesach. The annoying son is not the wayward son… (21:20) Sorer uMoreh= And they shall say to the elders of his city, "This son of ours is wayward and rebellious; he does not obey us; [he is] a glutton and a guzzler."… You told them to take the Sunkist gummy candies. But he gluttoned after them. He attacked the other children... He has no empathy. No ability for care.... You stone that... No. Once they take candy from other children, stone them... At least throw jawbreakers or fireballs. You're throwing Sunkist gummies. That's not going to teach the kid a lesson. It just makes them more glutton for candies... I know we tell them not to eat. We even had the sharing is caring campaign... Because they're wayward... Not forward. Wayward. (Devarim 21:18) Doesn’t listen to his parents… The wayward child doesn't listen to parents. That's the problem. They don't obey. You all don’t listen to your rabbi… Why right after the captive woman? Because the wayward son thinks about himself. The wayward son lusts, like Dr. Fleishman, who ruined his family… We have to teach these kids to share... (Davarim 21:21) ‘Pelt him with stones and he shall die…’ That’s how you discipline. Detention is not doing the job… Saw Breakfast Club… No Stella D’oros in the movie. They had chips though... Yes. You stone people. How else are you going to get the others to listen?... No favorites. Nothing special for your favorite wife who cuts her nails. The showoff… The first born is the first born… Learn to care for your family, and stone the children that don't listen... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shul was empty. They all chose the Simcha at the other shul. It was really hust the Gerwitz family and a few others who knew they would be able to approach the Kiddish table quicker, with everybody else at the other shul. People saw food in a new light after the rabbi’s speech. The new Mendelchem diet plan took off. The choolante had to sit for a month. After that, nobody wanted to eat it. Danish got stale, and nobody was eating anymore Danish. The Stella D’oros remained the same. Those lasted two years. Everybody ate those. People ended up getting real heavy downing sleeves. The new rule was that before marriage there was no nail cutting for a month and all had to shave their heads. There were no marriages that summer. That rule had to change. The message of love and care based on looks was beautiful. Many divorces happened over the next few months when people realized that they’re not attracted to their spouse anymore. I heard some husbands complain that their wives never get haircuts. The rabbi was speaking about the foundations of love. Once you’re already married, looks don’t count. He was talking about the shallowness in the courting process. To be shallow and use tons of makeup, so that people didn’t get to know you, was considered fine, as long as they were Jewish. But she couldn’t stay in your home for that month, due to Yichud. With Jews, you develop care through attraction. The rabbi also started convincing people not to intermarry, with his new ‘grow the nails’ campaign. The idea was that anybody who wanted to intermarry, had to let their intended grow nails for a month. He also added the rule that they can’t file them. Nail polish was also not allowed. He banned nail polish remover, as the chipping was considered not attractive. Stopping the programs meant no more learning Torah in shul. The rabbi brought back alliterations and pizza real fast. Stella D’oros and Danish were also back the next month and going strong since. Even in COVID they went strong. We got the packaged kind and told people to eat those at home. They still came just to get the pastry. For Kiddish, the packaged food was fine, as some came to davening for the food. It was less than usual. The rabbi still believes that bags of Lays chips would've drawn the masses. For the classes, they gave the packaged pizza and told people to go home to heat them up. So nobody studied the Torah Parsha. There was no other good alliteration with food and Torah, so there were no classes over the pandemic. Nobody showed up to the Zoom classes. They were there, but they had no pizza, so they decided to turn off their screens while the rabbi taught. This allowed the opportunity for doing other work on the computer, and catching up on series. The rabbi stayed away from stoning the congregants, even though they are wayward and don’t listen. Though, we did start purchasing harder candies to pelt at the kids. We’ve been working on shul food and the Simchas killed the shul reputation. They brought in catering and now people are got worse food than our regular choolante. The caterer is giving our shul a bad rep. We need the sisterhood on it. We need more potato chips. The board had a chips meeting and they couldn't figure out why they never saw the chips they bought. Reason: Because people eat them. They're gone right away. So, they decided to save money and buy pretzels, as there was always leftovers of those. It's just adding to our bad Kiddish and Shalishudis reputation. The tailor was in shul. He made calls to the parents that Monday. He got some good business that week. Thinking back, he became the new candyman in shul. He started a tradition where he throws candies, even when there isn't a Simcha. Pinny got the message. He is lusting after his wife. We'll give that another couple of months, until he realizes they're married. Tags:
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The sun began to set late and no one knew what to do. ‘Just three months ago, it was setting at 5pm. We were able to start Shabbat on time,’ exclaimed Feivel, ‘This is very confusing. Why does the sun not set on time?’ And it was confusing. Roars from the crowd of eight people were heard, ‘What do we do? When will we start Shabbat, if Shabbat is starting late?’ And confusion set in.
Duvidel stepped in to answer the quandary, ‘We shall start Shabbat at its time. At 8:30pm. 20:30 military time.’ Protest came upon the crowd. Shouts of ‘What is he talking about? Who would even think of such heresy?!’ were heard throughout the province. Moishele was taken aback, ‘You fool. 8:30?! We cannot start Shabbat late. We must start Shabbat in its right time.’ Berel The Gabai explained, ‘I have to know when to go to shul.’ Fayge agreed with the Gabai. ‘People have to know when to show up to shul.’ The rabbi was also in agreement, as he said, ‘I don’t want to have to show up to work early.’ And thus, the question was still present, and all pondered. One random unwise parent said that they have to start Shabbat early because of their children. They said they must spend Friday night with their kids, before they go to sleep. All the Wise Men quickly shut down that idea as ‘kids don’t go to shul or eat late anyways.’ Duvidel mentioned the idea of sunset again, as he was asked to leave the meeting with his foolish ideas. Shabbats came and went, and the people had no idea if the Shabbat came or not. They would sit and wait for the sun to begin its descent, but it was always after 6pm, and that was too late. An edict was sent to all townsmen, saying, 'All must keep Shabbat all week, until we figure out when it begins.' Bayla then jumped in, ‘But we know when it ends.’ Moishele explained, ‘If we don’t know when it begins. We may not know when it ends.’ And so, the edict went out, and the non-Jewish townsmen wondered why they had to keep Shabbat. After three weeks of celebrating Shabbat all week the Wise Men and Women decided that they have to start Shabbat on time. ‘We must write the new edict,’ said Raisel. And she was correct. But huge protest came upon her, as it was still Shabbat, and you cannot write on Shabbat. Epilogue Shabbat continued. And Raisel never let anybody know what ‘on time’ meant. Many parents wanted to fight for early Shabbat, for their kids. But the Wise Men and Women made it very clear that the Torah wasn’t written by children in third grade. Sarah Shaindel was the one who reminded everybody that Shabbat had still not ended. Everybody now hates Sarah Shaindel. They were falling behind in their new series they were trying to get involved in. Many of the meetings had been cancelled in the past, due to television series. After a couple more weeks of Shabbat, the decision was made to go around to each house, knocking on the doors again, letting all know to end Shabbat. ‘Ending Shabbat on Wednesdays is never to happen again,’ exclaimed Rabbi Fishel, and he kept his job. They were still stuck with the question, ‘what does it mean to start Shabbat on time?’ And the answer was, ‘We don’t know.’ Duvidel said, ‘When the sun starts to descend.’ And nobody listened to Duvidel, the fool. As Bayla said, ‘This fool. He’s a heretic. He probably ended Shabbat before Wednesday.’ ‘Outcast!’ ‘Shun,’ and other words of anti-Duvidel cheers were heard. After a time had passed, many of the young Wise Men and Women, for technical reasons, decided that Shabbat should start on time, early. Some members of the community, with young children, decided it was important have an early Shabbat Minyin. They called that for 4 o'clock, because that is early. Nobody showed to the early Minyin, as the parents had to be at home, watching the kids. To this day, the Wise Men and Women of Chelm always start Shabbat on time. Tags:
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That's a selection of new Israeli knit kippahs. The idea is to give the birds something to aim at. The smaller circle target makes it more fun for them. We don't support the watermelon yarmulke if you can't eat it. That's just a tease, and teasing is wrong. (photo: Laliv Gal Pikiwiki Israel)
Kippahs have been traditionally worn as head coverings to unite people around the world in hatred of Jews. In Israel however, the kippah is a political statement of your beliefs and who you want to marry (so that other Jews can unite in hatred of you). Whether you call it a Kippa, Kippah, Yarmulke, Skullcap, what you wear is how I will define you. Here's a list of some of the most popular kippahs, the styles, and why they are worn:
Velvet Kippah Big in the Chassidic and Yeshiva communities, you wear this and you are immediately accepted as a decent Jew who is serious about learning Torah. Jewish style starts in Brooklyn, and for this reason most every Jewish community has adopted this look. Black is the color. The velvet yarmulke should not be turquoise or any kind of blue, unless if you are a child. You will never get a shidduch and find your true match if you are found wearing red velvet. The Kippah Srugah – Knit Kippah The knit kippah is a political statement meaning you are Zionistic, and you should move to Israel if you want to meet your better half. Zionists like to crochet- not many people know that. Non-Zionists will sew, but they don't crochet. Neither embroiders. To show you're very Zionistic, wear the Israeli army kippah in knit form. Wearing the army yarmulke in cloth form will confuse people. You'll end up marrying a girl who wears jeans but doesn't allow TV or the internet in the house. Remember, the kippah is more important than the action. No need to join the army itself. Wearing the kippah, you get just as much honor and are appreciated enough for your political beliefs. The Soloveitchik This Black Kippah is similar to the velvet, but without the velvet outside. Just the inside doubled up. Known as the Soloveitchik, this easy to breath velvet style is the summer go to option. Jewish men perspire three times more than the average male. Nothing to do with the Yarmulke; it's the extra choolante and sorbet eaten during the summer months. With the Soloveitchik, you only perspire twice as much. The Chabad A velvet or Soloveitchik kippah with designs and words on it. Designs of trains are usually added to it. Trains with Aleph Bet letters inside. You get the kippah when you're three, and you wear the same one, always. That's how you teach tradition. To note, this is the only velvet kippah that's allowed to be blue. It's understood that it was given to you as a youngster, before you were looking for a wife. The Army of H' Kippah is a collectors item. That's why you never see anybody wearing that one. You also don't learn very much about self defense in the Army of H'. Though, you do learn about Torah and serving Gd. So, I wouldn't suggest showing off that you're part of that army, unless if you're ready to summon your enemies in a battle of prayer. Knit Kippah that Was Knitted for You with Your Name on It Big in the 1980s modern orthodox America scene, this meant love. Anybody can purchase a knitted kippah. However, getting your name knitted on the kippah and then to have Shira’s name on the inside; that's the greatest show of devotion any teenager could exhibit. That means somebody cared about you enough to crochet and not listen during Bible and Halacha class. Many married men wear this kippah from their youth to remind them of somebody they love. Side Note: I love those old Jewish jokes about wives and mothers-in-laws. I think that last line falls into the category. Machine Knit What I wear on Shabbat to save $30. And what I always wore, because I never had a girlfriend growing up. Hand knit is not mentioned in this article, as I am not a classist. I'm not going to ostracize the 99% of the population that can't afford knit by hand or a date. The Carlebach This kippah says you have more hair than the average Jew. This kippah is crocheted like the knit kippah, but with thick yarn. Three times the size of a knit kippah and less than half the weave, this Rasta tam headwear is very popular with the hippie Jewish people who have never been to Jamaica. When making my own, I go for the Sruga Carlebach hybrid, where I take extremely thick yarn and weave three loops and call it a kippah. The yarn is a great time saver. The settlers use this thickness of yarn. They’re the closest to hippies, as they live in a Woodstock type atmosphere year-round. With Settler thick payis, one could get away with less yarn. The Bucharian This is the original big kippah and yet it still pales in size to the Cohen’s headdress. Originating in Asia, these most colorful kippahs drew their uniqueness and design from their local imaginative culture, the same way the Ashkenazik Jews drew the black kippah from European culture. Jewish culture and cuisine are influenced by the excitement of surrounding nations, which is why European Jews wear black to identify with European ethos of living in lament. Along with the Carlbeach, large knit and huge velvets, this kippah is tactfully used to cover baldness. If you notice, as Jews age the yarmulke becomes larger, even if they are not becoming more religious. Felt With Sports Team This means you went to some boy’s Bar Mitzvah over the past 6 years. Suede This says you are an American traditional Jew, have no opinion about Israel, went to Hebrew day school for 12 years and can’t speak Hebrew. The suede style also means nobody loved you enough to knit you one. Though the knitted usually comes out poorly shaped, once made for you, you would have to wear it or you would get in trouble. Nobody has ever knit a suede yarmulke for anybody. If any ladies are reading, I would gladly take a suede kippah with my name glittered on it. I would be fine with any bedazzlement. Suede with Name & Date Inside This means you attended a Bar Mitzvah or wedding in the 1980s. In the 1980s you would go for a weekend celebration and get a yarmulke so that you would have something, along with the Birkat Hamozon Blessing Book, you couldn’t find when the celebrants visited you. I cherish these 1980s celebrations with the attendance imprint on all items. When my friend Abby got Bar Mitzvahed, some people thought that was a girl’s name on the inside of my yarmulke. I felt loved. Nowadays, you just receive a felt yarmulke with a random sports teams on it. There is no name. No date on the inside. And then they expect you to remember the exact day the boy went up to read the Torah. They quiz you about the generic yarmulke when they visit. How am I supposed to remember that Chaim from Nova Scotia who got Bar Mitzvahed 18 years ago’s favorite baseball team is the Marlins? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how why there is a 'C' in the marlin logo. The Paper Yarmulke You showed up at the Kotel and weren’t prepared. Now everybody knows you are not a religious Jew. They're going to bring back the paper kippahs when they realize how much fun Jewish origami is. Nothing is as fun as folding paper and using staples. That's how Jews origami. It's easier and smarter. Still trying to figure out how the people of the Far East never thought of staples. The Satin Reflector This means safety is important to you, or that you grew up in the 1940s and were born before the modern state of Israel. The safest of all kippahs, this shiny yarmulke should always be worn at night. Wearing the Satin Reflector during daylight hours is also a strong statement that you are married and not trying to look good. Note: Never purchase the Satin Reflector. You can always find this kippah in the shul’s Kippah box. In the coatroom, you can also find the reflector vest box, for late night walking home in the winter. Boxes are an important part of synagogue life. Traditional Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke Made from satin or silk, these make it easier to spot the non-religious relatives. When the sexton chooses who gets the honors, he looks around at the Bar Mitzvah guests and knows that these people with the satin kippah perched on the top of their gelled hair are not the ones to call up to the Torah. White Satin You are a thief. You stole this from the hotel. We know this because the name of the hotel is on the kippah. The Black & White Yarmulke I came across this design at a Jewish peace rally. Not to be confused with the black and white cookie, the cloth is not edible. Half is made of velvet and half is crocheted. This yarmulke has brought no peace between the different movements, as it is the ugliest kippah ever made and nobody wants to be seen wearing it. For a moment though, many Jews united in hatred of this kippah. The Sleeper This is similar to the Carlebach in size. However, it has a little tassel on the top of it. It's white and worn by many Jerusalem Chasidim, along with many NaNach Breslovers. You can find the sleeper without the tassel, but that makes it harder to hang near the bed. No NaNach would wear the non-tasseled Sleeper. Nothing beats jumping out of the van at the traffic light with the tassel and Payis flying to modern disco thumping and lyrics of 'Nachman MeyUman. Rebbe Nacham MeyUman.' The Toupee Along with the baseball cap, this is used as Jewish camouflage when traveling. It's also a great way to show solidarity with the religious Jewish women who have to walk around with the discomfort of a wig. To note, the toupee doesn't lessen the sweat. Yarmulke designs are endless. You can get the silk kippah if you have no style. The knit coaster, easily crocheted in five minutes, when you need a kippah on the go. The knit coaster is tiny and is great if you enjoy the sensation of a fly on your head. Though many say the size is not Kosher, this yarmulke is the easiest to fit the Tefillin over. Now, I ask who is more religious. Many wear a Fez when they want to make the political statement that they are pro-Morocco. I even purchased a camouflage design, but the green does not camouflage baldness. For this reason, I now camouflage with the velvet. And the designs go on with the Hesder Yeshiva large knit, the bandana for sports, the hardened velvet cone style for people with weirdly shaped heads. There's so much you can do with a kippah. You can fold it over and make a Hamentash. You can even write your political opinions on it, if the kippah is not clear enough. Whatever you decide, choose your kippah and political statement wisely, and look decent. Be sure to pick the right kippah, so you don't end up marrying the person. Know who you want to marry and pick out the right kippah so that everybody knows what you really think about them. Next time, we will talk about where to place the Kippah on your head, so that you don't look like a heretic. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Shoftim8/13/2021 
There was a lot of business going on in the community this week. A lot of garage sales. A lot of wheeling and dealing. People getting rid of stuff. Some deals were crazy. One shul member bought a Chanukiah for $3. She overpaid. Nobody buys anything for more than $2 at the local garage sales. You've got to go to Wichita to find big spenders like that.
They asked $2.50 on the couch. The people at the sale were not happy with that. They settled on the leather L shape couch, with the recliner and pull-out bed, for a buck. The hosts of the garage sale, the Mintzkowitzes, the ones whose home it was, were happy with the dollar they made on the couch. They were moving and I think they were trying to find a way for other people to get their trash out of the house, before having to call Garbonzo. Garbonzo is a company that comes in, takes your stuff and charges you. They did tell everybody it was a shul fundraiser. I think they sold less because of that. Had a Shul games night. What was that? That should have been one of the questions. Nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, the ark. The questions about shul history really messed up the fundraising program that year. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants... You all have the same Yarmulkes. It’s not a rule. Not a law… Bar Mitzvah is over... You’re worried you’ll lose them? It’s not a family trip. You could've bought hundreds of Bar Mitzvah Yarmulkes at the Mintzkowitz garage sale... Yes. It's wrong to steal. I don't think they stole those. They went to the Bar Mitzvahs, and then decided to sell the Kippas back to the families that celebrated... Why do they print their names on the inside of the Kippas anyways? With the oil from Dr. Mintzkowitz's hair, it rubs off... Let's not judge. Even if they gave the Kippas back to the families they took them from, it's not a bribe. In this week's portion (Devarim 16:19) we learn about not taking bribes. Judges shall not take bribes as 'Bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts the words of the righteous'... They don't become blind. It's harder to see with your heart... Truth is harder to see... It's not an object. They can still see who they're judging... We may not bribe judges… Do I really have to answer… Am I hearing that bribery is fine? So wealthy people should always win in court… We must make for ourselves judges... Law is important. You want no accountability?! You sure about that? See what happens at the shul board meeting... You want accountability. However, we may not bribe the judges. How do the judges then make their money? I do not know… I do know that many people in this congregation have started some very legit businesses thanks to bribes. Thanks to these businesses, the shul was able to pay for its new social hall. The Eisenstein Memorial Social Hall. Mark had a great business thank you to the bribes he was able to give. B"H… No. Donations aren't bribes... They deserve a better seat in the chapel, because they donated the social hall... It's not a bribe. They have seats on the board because of the social hall... Because they care and they showed it with their money... Thus, we shall not talk about giving bribes. As we must thank the politicians who have taken the bribes that have allowed for our community thrive... They're not judges. They are politicians. 'Judges shall not take bribes'... They're politicians. Their words are already perverted. It's OK. We shall focus on judges. Judges may not take bribes. It is judges that the Torah is talking about. Bribing politicians is a complicated question. Your rabbi needs a raise… Judgment is there to bring righteousness. It is 'righteousness' that we must 'pursue' as a people צדק צדק תרדוף (Devarim 16:20)... We’re not courting righteousness here. It’s not a woman. You don’t take righteousness to dinner. That’s a bribe. And bribery does not bring truth or righteousness. The same way Max and Maxine met. We shall not talk about that... Righteousness is not an enemy... Yes. We pursue it. We chase it... It's not courting. It's in court... We need better grade school teachers in this community… Rashi notes that righteousness means a Beit Din, a Jewish court. It is through the court that we become righteous. It is through truthful uncontaminated judgement that we inherit the Land of Israel… We have no court system in our shul… That's why we are not in Israel. The holy place of the court, where we must have truth, must also be righteous. The place itself must be righteous. Rashi teaches, 'Even for righteous judgement' we may not take bribes… That was not a bribe. It was a gift… How can judgement be truthful or righteous if a great man, such as Mr. Eisenstein, is so generous, when Mr. Fishbaum is so cheap?... Pay your dues... Bribing is considered wrong, because the other people are not bribing. Generosity is forbidden, for if everybody were to have bribed like Mr. Eisenstein, it would be considered a salary... What your rabbi makes now is not what one would call a salary... We are not generous enough, so in the most basic palace of Truth, the court, we must remain not generous- as to not be dishonest… If all were generous, like Mr. Eisenstein, there would be no bribes… It was a gift, and they got the High Holiday seat they wanted… Now, many people in this congregation want to blame Mark Eisenstein for a bribe he gave. You say 'he bribed you.' He paid for the down payment on your home. He didn't just bribe you. He bribed me. He bribed the chazan to come to this congregation. He drew us in, because he was such a kind man and he bribed us with money. Who are we to judge? The man never bribed a judge. And now he is in front of the Judge of all judges, in his final Judgement. We pray that you have enough money to bribe your way into Olam Haba (the world to come); to pay the salary of life. We will bribe for you and show the new Social Hall that we will be using later on for Bingo... Now, Mr. Fishbaum, who hasn't paid his dues. Who have you bribed? What wing of the building have you added? What wing has Madelan added... Bribes are good when they're donations. We need more donations... For better Kiddishes Bernie. The Torah does not say to not support your community's leaders... The Torah speaks of not taking a bribe. Yes, I am to blame for taking the role of rabbi in this congregation of heathens, because the starting salary was $200,000. The Torah does not say, 'Do not bribe,' It teaches that a judge must not take a bribe... Many of you are religious, and you want to put a fence around the Torah, you have taken that to mean 'You shall not pay'... That is not the teaching... You pay for stuff. You don't bribe to get an advantage over someone else. Paying for stuff you buy is not gaining advantage... their team is just better than our kids at basketball... The 'fence' is not to keep you from finally giving me a raise... We keep the Torah in an Aron Kodesh. It's safer in there than behind a fence... The kichel and herring kiddush was not a beautiful religious act. It was an act of sadness. It is not bribing the congregation to like you, if you have a nice spread. Ms. Flanigan that is a very fine skirt you took from the Salvation Army. You should have paid for it... Payment is not bribing...... Now I promised Mr. Eisenstein that I would give this speech upon his passing, as he did put me in his will. I do hope these words have not been perverted, as Mark would have never wanted that with his money... (Devarim 19:21) ‘You shall not plant idolatrous trees...' There will be no trees planted over Mr. Eisenstein's grave... Ramban notes that at idolaters used to try to make their temples look nice with trees. Whereas, H’ wants the Temple Altar to be the focus… Doesn't mean that we make a quilt to cover the Aron... It looks disgusting. Nobody can focus on the Aron Kodesh... It looks pathetic. If you would've given some money to the shul for the nice Parochet cover, it would've been a Kiddish H', to guard the Torah... That's a good fence... Those trees are like bribes... Why we are trimming the hedges of the shul is beyond me… We need to focus on the shul. Look at the paint. It’s chipping… Your concept of beauty is wrong... The way the family came with fullon makeup was... It wasn't a wedding... Whoever made that call was unqualified. (Avodah Zarah 52a, as seen in Artscroll)… Yes. I use Artscroll… You don’t give me time to learn… You ask these messed up questions and I know nothing about gardening… I’m a rabbi and I care about the inside of the shul… No. You still mow the lawn… ‘An unqualified judge is tantamount to one who plants an idolatrous tree’… You should've come judged better than getting a community quilt of love going as the Parochet cover... You have not learned enough Torah to make shul interior design calls... Yes. There is a reason all Jewish books have gold or silver trimming... The Quilt cover should've been sold at the Mintzkowitz's garage sale... Took too much money for the social hall… That is idol worship. The money should've paid for the parking spot cover too... (Devarim 17:1) No blemish on the offering… ‘it’s an abomination’… Have you seen the food that’s brought out for Kiddish… You can’t bribe the Kohen to take a blemished offering. It’s the court of Gd… The quilt is a blemish... Yes. There is a lot of heart in it, but it's a blemish... If somebody were to offer money for a new Parochet cover... You see. We can't even do a fundraiser right... The reason nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, at games night, is because they're embarrassed to let people know they donated it... Because it's an abomination. Just like a planted tree by the altar, a bribe to judges and lamb that has a scratch on its hoof... (Devarim 17:6) You kill idol worshippers. You stone them… That’s why they threw stones at people coming to the Kotel… Because our congregation is a bunch of idol worshippers… (Devarim 17:8-14) You listen to the Kohen’s and Levites… You listen to your leaders… Yes. If I say something, you have to follow it… I am not sure if we kill you for not listening. But we have to ‘wipe out the evil from among us. And all the nation shall listen and fear’… So that they’ll practice the Mitzvot right... No. You don’t go ‘right or left’ from where you are told. If I say ‘right,’ that’s right… We need stoning so people will listen... You listen to your leaders and pay them. You give them a raise. That's how you instil fear and bring redemption... We will miss the one congregant who listened to the leader and voted to give the rabbi a raise... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon We are going to miss Mark Eisenstein. He was a good man. He supported the shul. He supported the rabbi. He was the only one who supported the rabbi. The rabbi got emotional, knowing he is not going to get a raise this year. All of the money is going to the social hall. The rabbi made a good point that people shouldn’t be paid. Even so, he took it right back when the congregants said his salary should come down a bit. I think that's what changed the course of the sermon to bribes talking about judges only. It led to the correct words about Mr. Eisenstein. Painting is OK, but no more planting at the shul. The new artistic look, with the quilt, is not becoming. Truth is I don’t like the shrubs either. I don't know who would worship those things. If idol worship comes to that, I am worried a big fight will take over the next shul pruning meeting. The community setup a court system. Sadie headed the court. She’s tough and she loves banging. She scared everybody last Rosh Chodesh, when she clapped. Clapping is when you hit the table, to let everybody know they are supposed to say the extra prayer of Ya’aleh vYavo, and that you are mad. Nobody forgot to say it that week. They were too scared Sadie would come over and hurt them. It was loud. Fran fell asleep in the middle of the hearings about when the next shul games night should be. Community stoning was a bit much. Target has been overcharging for a long time. Even so, we cannot consider the manager an idol worshipper. High Holiday seating always leads to a lot of fights. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie. He coughs and chuchs a lot. Frank davens very loud, when he is davening. He is usually talking. He does that loud too. Mrs. Fialikman got a new hat. That’s an eyesore. That’s going to take up two seats. Won’t be able to see the ark if you’re behind her. Sadie is tough as nails. You sit next to her, you’re not getting an armrest. She’ll clapp it if she has to. And Fran always waves a piece of paper like she is at the kabuki theater. If anybody gave money, like Mark Eisenstein, they would have decent seats too. Call it a bribe. I call it the right use of a donation. Mr. Eisenstein's seat was auctioned off. It takes up three seats and has a footrest, right next to the Bima. It's still respectable, as he donated the social hall. The Mintzkowitzes got sued after one of the kids got caught in the spring-loaded pull-out bed. They let the bed go too soon and the kid got flipped into the couch and sat on. Tags:
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Jewish Scenes: The JCC Gym8/12/2021 
Scene 1
INT - JCC GYM - Day The exercise machines are all taken up. Bernie, a seventy-five-year-old man who just started coming to the gym, is waiting to get on the abdominal crusher machine. Max, an eighty-eight-year-old man, is sitting there with his hands on the overhead pulling handles. Bernie is sweating. We assume you understand that they're older Jewish men, so they sweat. Max: You're shvitzing like an animal. What have you been doing? Bernie: I've been standing. Max: I understand. I'm sweating right now, and I'm sitting. Bernie: What are you doing on that machine? You've been there for ten minutes. Max: I'm sitting. It's very comfortable. Bernie: So you're just sitting there? I thought you were supposed to work out. Move the arm things. Max: They're working out. Bernie: That's true. Those people are working out. You've got a good spot. Can see the whole gym from here. How are the kids? Max: They're supposed to be visiting for my eighty-first this summer. You should know of such goodness. They're doing so good. I'm so proud of them. Schepping nachis over here. The grandkids, the kinder, are also doing very well. One just got into Princeton. Starting next week. Bernie: That's great. My youngest is moving to New Jersey with his family. The second is now in Israel. A line of the people, that they were watching working out five minutes ago, has formed near the machine . Justin has his towel and is jogging in place, to not cooldown. Max is well relaxed on the machine. Max: You don't say? I remember when I was in Israel. It was 1967 just before the Six Day War. Very hot. Bernie: You sweat like anything in the summers over there. Max: That's a shvitz. You want a good workout? You go to Israel. Spend some time in Tel Aviv. Justin: We've been waiting for this machine. Just wanted to know when you'll be finished with it. Max: A few minutes. We'll be done with our conversation soon. You know. His kids are doing great. Much nachis. Max turns to Bernie. Bernie. You want to sit for a couple? You've been waiting for a while. Justin turns to the other people waiting. Rachel, a younger woman, is there too. Rachel: I think he's just resting his arms on the handles. Justin: He just fell asleep. Scene 2 INT - JCC LOCKER ROOM - EVENING Half hour after sitting on four more machines, to get in the full workout, Bernie and Max are sitting on the benches by the locker. Bernie: You want we should go to the shvitz? Max: I've already been to Tel Aviv. Max is sitting and content (cont'd) You know. This feels just like those machines in the gym. Kibbitzer's Conclusion We at the Kibbitzer have a feeling that Justin doesn't understand what people are supposed to do at the JCC gym. And on their way out, Max and Bernie caught up with the rest of the community. After a good five hours at the gym, Max shvitzed for eight minutes. Bernie is still shvitzing from talking to people. Tags:
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These Israeli kids would say 'thank you' (Photo by Sivan Farag in Israel21c)
People accuse Israelis of not being proper. If they were living in Britain and didn't say how pleased they were, throwing in a 'thank you' to the person who just slammed the door on them, I would agree. However, we are talking about Israelis in Israel. They do not have to live by British mores, standing on the queue when every other person in Israel is knocking them over to get on the bus.
People blame Israelis because they don't understand the society. This is why Israelis don't say 'thank you.' You Have To Deserve It What did you do to deserve a 'thank you'? You held a door? He could've done that. You purchased some milk from his bodega? He's providing you the milk. And it's called a Makolet. Did you thank him for teaching you how to pronounce Makolet correctly? Who should be thanking who? You paid the cab driver for the ride? He's taking you to dinner. You should be thanking him. You should be bringing some horderves out to him. They may appreciate your business. I am sure that your kind gesture of holding the door is well taken. Did they curse you for holding the door? Then, it was appreciated. Take it as a 'thank you.' They just don't waste their words in Israel. You need to reach a level to be thanked. Did you pay for his daughter's wedding band? Then, you would deserve a thank you. When Israelis Say Something, They Mean It The real reason you don't hear a 'thank you' is because when we say something in Israel, we mean it. When you say 'thank you' in Israel, it's from the heart. Somebody pours me a drink, I don't thank them, because my level of Israeli sincerity is too much for a pour. Somebody helps me move, I can give an Israeli 'thank you.' I'll 'Todah Rabbah' you, cup my hands together and give a curtsy. When an Israeli tells a co-worker to have a good day, they want them to have a good day. They mean it. They're bringing blueberry pancakes to the cubicle for breakfast. They're playing Sarit Hadad on the radio at work, because she is the light of Israel. They're taking over the second half of your shift, making sure you get paid for it. They really want you to have a good day. They said it and they meant it. They didn't say 'shalom' the day before, because they wanted that day to be not good. There Are Repercussions You better mean something when you say it in Israel. I made a mistake and said 'thank you' once. The fact that I acknowledged my appreciation now had me obligated to him. The guy helped me close the trunk of my car when I was pulling out groceries. I didn't realize I was now indebted to him. Next I know, I'm taking him to the airport. I'm stuck checking in his bags and checking on his house while he's away. I'm not saying 'thank you' again. Not unless I know you and you're paying for the gas. Israelis Take Words Seriously This isn't Britain. Sarcasms is you lying. When we hear CNN and the BBC talking about Israel, we think they actually mean what they're saying. Israelis don't know that they're joking when they report about the 'Israeli oppressors.' I'm from America, so I assume that CNN is doing a satire piece on how Israel should be thanking Hamas and their northern neighbors for shooting rockets at them. Time Is Important I don't have time to stop and say 'thank you.' Do you also need me to give you a foot rub after you got the door for me? How much do we have to do for you. I'm in Israel, where we're working towards redemption. You need a 'thank you' from the guy at the falafel shop. I'm sorry if I was the guy who didn't say 'thank you.' Maybe bringing in the dispersed Jews from the diaspora back to our Home Land is more important. Your holding the door should be expected. You might be holding the door for Mashiach. They Did the Army Did you do the army? Maybe you should be thanking them. Maybe you should be thanking them that the door is still there and wasn’t blown up. Maybe, if you spent five months in a tank, defending Sderot, they would thank you. I am sorry they didn't thank you for holding a door. A Lot of Israelis Do Say 'Thank You' That's a mistake. They weren't educated right. Come to think of it, I've been in America for a while and American kids don't say 'thank you.' Israeli kids say 'thank you.' Somebody is educating the next generation wrong. Kids should know that they deserve stuff. They should not have to show appreciation. An Israeli wouldn't know that was sarcasm. American kids should be saying 'thank you.' You see how hard it is to do comedy in Israel?! It's hard to be funny when people are genuine. You do a joke about mother-in-laws and you've got to then spend half an hour explaining how we all love mother-in-laws and how they are the rock of the family. To note, I've started letting the door close on the American kids. They have no reason to not say 'thank you.' They did not do the army.' It's Hot Ever heard of a Chamsin? Imagine a heatwave with sand that penetrates into your living room. Try talking in 120 degree desert heat. You can't. Your mouth is dried up. They can't get it out. They gave you a look. Whatever that look was meant 'thank you.' It might have been intimidating, but it meant they appreciate what you did. I'd be surprised if they even realized you were holding the door. Try realizing anything going on around you when it's 120 degrees outside. They probably thought it was a hallucination. After years of hallucinating, it became tradition to not say 'thank you.' My big question for you is, why are you judging a whole society because one guy didn't say 'thank you'? Now that I think of it, your holding the door is not appreciated. Your holding the door is killing the air-conditioning. You're letting the 120 degree Chamsin into the building. At best, you’re bringing in another inch of sand. Todah Rabbah for caking the floor in 200 degree sand. The sand is hotter than the whatever it is outside. The sand holds the heat so that you can't enjoy going to the beach. Showing appreciation is important. It's just that they're saving the 'thank you' for that time you give them a drink of water. Hold the door and bring me a bottle of cold water, and I will take a break from helping to ingather the exiled, and say 'thank you.' Please know that you did the right thing, holding the door. If it's not extremely hot, you probably did the right thing and you should be thanked. There's just more that is expected in Israel. I hope you appreciate that the Israelis are making you a better person, teaching you that you need to deserve a 'thank you.' Maybe you'll stop letting the heat into the building. Maybe you'll allow the doorman to do his job, instead of having everybody asking why they hired the guy. Maybe you'll volunteer and serve the country. Do the army and hold the door, and you'll get a 'thank you' and a 'Kol Hakavod' from everybody. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Re'eh8/6/2021 
They hate us. Went to the Town Council Meeting and all the Jews got up and talked against Israel. The Jews hate us. It’s the Jews that hate the Jews.
It's Topeka, why do the Jews feel it important to speak out against the Israeli government? How is that pertinent to Fallfield Road Elementary School's budget? The Bar Mitzvah was messed up. Got to work on candy throwing. Candies were hitting random people in the front left. The Bar Mitzvah kid was in the back. We need to work on throwing. It’s not aim. Aim would be if it was close. The dance on the men’s side is messed up. Got to dance faster. This is not exercise on the men’s side. We were moving on the women’s side. The men’s side had guys leaning from side to side. They were holding onto each other, trying to keep their balance. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants Stop complaining about the Nishama Yeteirah… You have an extra Shabbat soul on Shabbat. Why does it bother you that you are keeping it for the rest of the week? It's a blessing… So, you have an extra 15 pounds… You have to eat for that Nishama. Yes. But how much are you eating… You’re only supposed to feed one extra soul. You’re feeding three souls… I’ve seen how much you eat… It’s a blessing. Make a blessing. Say a… The problem is that you see everything as a curse. This week's Torah portion begins with the Blessings & Curses. Bracha and Kellalah… There are two sides to all. You do good… Exactly. If you do good… Well. Just do good. H' gives the blessing if you follow the commandments. A curse if you don't follow the commandments. Meaning, you sin, bad stuff happens. That's the message. Dvar Torah is over. But I have to go on in detail because you… Yes. Let’s go through that list. You go to a house of one you're not married to and the whole community hears about it. We'll call that a sin. Not a mitzvah. A curse happens. You lose your family... What other ones are there Mr. Fleishman? You run away from your family and don't pay your Synagogue dues. Not following the mitzvot. We'll say, a bracha doesn't happen… And Dr. Felsman… And Mrs. Blumfield… Did we miss anybody that has sinned? We give too many blessings to those who do not deserve them. That is why we are stopping the Mishebeyrachs after the Torah Aliyot. From now on, you get called up to the Torah, we let you down. No blessings... Mishebeyrach? Who are we blessing? Dr. Ginstern, your children are not going to marry Jewish. Stop with the Mishebeyrachs. You sent them to the Jesuit high school… Your children can sin. They will be forgiven… You’re not Christian… We are going to start Mishecurses… There is more curse than blessing right now. I know this is complicated for some to understand. I'll explain it. Do good and good will happen… To quote Barney. ‘Brushing my teeth and having so much fun. I never let the water run.’ It’s a blessing to brush your teeth… Because it’s good. Ever had a cavity? It’s the worst. I’ve now got a piece of rough clay in my mouth... The Bracha 'That' you will heed. The Curse 'if' you do not heed... Heed. The Ikar Siftei Chachamim commenting on Rashi... Rashi comments on the Torah and the Ikar Siftei Chachamim comments on the comments... A lot of commenting... A commentary once removed from the pasuk, teaches that the word 'that' is used by the blessing, because Hashem wants us to be good. He desires our positive following of his commandments... I used 'that' too, but for no reason. 'That' hear means it's going to happen... That is why H' uses the word 'that.' Not the word 'if,' as used by the curse, if you do not follow the commandments. (עיקר שפתי חכמים on רש"י)... H’ is waiting to bless us. But do you people here do anything positive? No... 'If' is not the outlook of one who is committed. H' wants us committed to the Mitzvot... Every time I talk, I need to say 'if' over here. 'If anybody wants to wash their hands for bread...' Because none of you do anything positive... 'If anybody wants to visit the sick...' It's not going to happen... You heed your own voice. We need longer junior congregation. You have a kid you don't want to take care of... That we have a junior congregation... I want that. Not 'if'. We are getting those kids out of shul. You whine, you cry, you park in the rabbi's spot. But we wait for you to heed... We wait that you heed. Something positive already. Yes, it is quite manipulative. Using the word 'That,' that you follow the commandments. As if He is going to manipulate us? H' hasn't succeeded in manipulating us yet. As a Jewish people, we are doing a good job of not following the commandments. Our people have a long standing tradition of not following the commandments. That is why we had the prophets/נביאים. And we also, successfully didn't follow those leaders... This shul is doing a great job of not being manipulated... I want to make it clear that we are supposed to be Gdly. H' does give us an opportunity to be cursed. You have done a good job of that. Mr. Fichman also has... Mr. Fichman, I know you are old, but you've got to stop cursing out everybody who walks by you. Everybody has a little curse set aside for them. We all hear it... We know Mr. Frankenstein walks funny. We know Ms. Fedelstein is old and single. We know you are going deaf, but that is why you have to stop yelling it... I understand you cannot hear your own curses... You cannot claim every seat for yourself. Not every seat in the congregation is yours.... You cannot curse people for sitting; especially in the women’s section. You are not even allowed to sit there. Maybe try blessing them for coming to synagogue... Yes. They'll hear it. But it will be a blessing... We manipulate how we act. It is not if we do... It is that we bless. And if you do not change your ways and stop cheating on your families and mostly yourselves, you will also be cursed... A 60 year old divorced man, with a second wife who took the last quarter of your money, down in Palm Beach, Mr. Fleishman. Shabbat Shalom... I have more... (Devarim 11:28) 'And the curse, if you will not heed the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn away from the way I command you this day, to follow other gods, which you did not know'… You never met Athena… We are talking about denying Gd here... You worship what's not true. What's wrong and you're denying Gd in your life... By questioning if you are fat, you're denying your Nishama. Your soul... You enjoy and you believe in Gd's blessings... Then don't heed and get cursed, and end up living outside of Israel and thin, without decent shwarma... A curse is listening to Mishebeyrachs after every Aliyah.. Rashi This teaches that whoever worships idols departs from the entire path that Israel has been commanded. Gd is the root reason for what we do… Also, getting a decent reward in the next world. If you know what I mean… The root. That’s the question. What is your root reason for what you do?… I know that’s meaningful. Is your root to do good? To do Mitzvot? To worship Gd? To be blessed? Not Mr. Fleishman... It's the Mishebeyrachs, those who are blessed, that follow the root. The meaning behind the Mitzvot... Rachel does it do get a Shidduch, but that hasn't worked... What's your root, our Bar Mitzvah?... Your parents should give more Tzedakah. Keep going with ideas... (Devarim 11:29) Har Gerizim is for the blessings... That's good. Har Eival are the curses… Not Eibel. It’s Eival… This isn't Kayn's brother... Not Cain. It's not a wrestler... You also called him Esau… Where are they??? It says it right there. You should know. (Devarim 11:30) ‘Are they not on the other side of the Jordan?...’ Yes. Moshe gave attitude… You should know where stuff is. You couldn’t even find the park for the shul funday… No. It wasn’t fun. If you can't find it, it's not fun... It wasn't scavenger hunt day. People brought frisbees... (Devarim 11:32) ‘And you shall keep all the statues and ordinances that I put before you this day.’ On the mountains it was said for blessing and curse… To do the stuff… Yes. To scare us… You’re not scared enough… Because you think curses are Mr. Fichman saying you're overweight... These are real curses... Getting kicked out of your home when it's undervalued.... Do good and good happens. Why do I have to always repeat this message? Is it that complicated? And (Devarim 12:8) No private altars. I've told you this thousands of times... No doing what you think is right… There are commandments. You cross the Jordan and do Mitzvot and smash the idols… Don’t be like them. You do what is right and you mess up everything. You're manipulating yourself if you insist to not do Mitzvot... Because you're making decisions. Your decisions are worse than Gd's... No. I am not going to explain this. Just keep the statutes... Whatever statutes are. Keep them. I know we’re not in Israel… Do what you want... That is my message to you my Bar Mitzvah. Do you what you want. Just know that if you end up with congregants like Bernie and Mr. Fleishman, it's a curse. Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon They really do eat a lot. I think he was using the Nishama Yeteyra eating thing to guise the extra forty pounds he put on last year. It’s extra fat. Not an extra Shabbat soul. The men have around 200 Nishama Yeteyras, which is why they dance so bad at the Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Forget about the weddings. The bride and groom come out and they give up. They just sit down. This way there is no chance of the bride chairlift happening. The bride and groom sat down, and everybody left. The men were afraid they would have to get in the middle of the circle and do something. Injury. They're out of shape. To get them in shape, and a bit coordinated, the rabbi insisted on dancing lessons for the men in the shul. He brought in a salsa teacher. Now, their dancing in the same circle line, but their hips are moving a lot more. The rabbi also took people to baseball practice. He is worried that the aim from the women's section is going to cause injury. They're landing their throws real far from the Bima (prayer stage). Sadie got hit at Chaim's Bar Mitzvah. We can't have another ambulance showing up to the shul for a Sunkist Jelly fiasco. To give over the full message of Har Gerizim and Har Eival, the rabbi made us go to different sides of the shul. We knew who the sinners were, as the rabbi started cursing the ones on the left side of the shul. To scare the congregants more, the rabbi ran a haunted Mitzvah house that week. There was a rabbi telling them they’re going to go to hell. There was a choolante pot with no meat in it. The Chazan went into cantor mode and said 'booh.' When he realized that didn't work, the Chazan started singing the whole Hallel service. People heard that and ran. Rabbi Mendelchem started a new tradition of Mishecurses. You could only bless one person. After that, you had to curse people. The Bima turned into our community Mount Eival. Mr. Fichman was up there for a half hour his last Aliyah, going off on everybody in the shul. Mrs. Greenbaum's purple hat with green flowers was in his curse. He just wanted to make fun of how it looked like a cake. The rabbi really brought out all the community secrets this week. Everybody knew about Mr. Fleishman, but the rabbi gave detail. The marrying Jewish got a lot of people mad. The rabbi would’ve been better off saying intermarriage is good. People wanted to hear that. The rabbi said it’s a curse of the Jewish people. We lost two congregants that week. Their spouses stayed though. Their non-Jewish spouses really like the rabbi. They also would’ve rather not got married to these people. They can’t stand their husband and wife. They've said countless times that they’re bad Jews. Dr. Ginsten intermarried, but he won’t accept that it’s an intermarriage, as she says she wants to be Jewish. Her terms are that she will be Jewish if she can divorce him. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album II8/5/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past few months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.
The shul sink. They're now using hand sanitizer as soap... They pushed away the washing cup and poured sanitizer on the Kohen. They told him that it’s not sanitary to clean with water... We know that they ran out of spots for the sanitizer in the sanctuary. The siddur holders are full of the stuff... (They either have too much of it, or the vaccinated people still wearing their masks are making another statement. Or somebody now thinks soap doesn't work either.)
How Americans dads give to the next generation. Adopting a highway. We take pride in our interstates... The true gift of pride, knowing you don't have watch over another kid... They know nobody’s going to adopt a kid. This is much easier.
The pantry at my friend’s bungalow. She wanted to make sure no bugs made it out of there alive. I don't know what vendetta she had against the hexapoda kingdom. I'm assuming they got into the cereal. The ants had no chance. Three of those were ant execution shpritzes. (I’m still trying to figure out how that stuff works to keep food from sticking to the pan.)
Littering at the Kotel has got to stop... Unless if it's H' reading those letters and then dropping them after He’s finished. Either that, or the requests are not very interesting. Probably another letter for Parnsah. Everybody wants money.
I went to the Kotel to meet up with my friend. He said to meet him in the men's section. I had a hard time finding him. He said he had a kippa.
Candies in fruit form and whatever freakish watermelon that is. Yogueta, the creators of the gateway candy, doing anything they can to wean the kids off the fruit.
Arcades are casinos for little kids. Half the games had JACKPOT in flashing neon lights. I realized it's Asur and a breeding ground for gambling when I heard her say to her dad, 'Just one more. I'm feeling it. I'm going to win this time.'
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Jewish Summer Camp Acitivities8/4/2021 
Kids are finally back in camp, having fun with no masks. Mask mandates are only for school. They are safe in camp, having fun and doing what is know as activities.
Anything you do is more exciting when you call it an activity. Point shall be made: You can go shopping and run errands. Or you can go shopping as an activity. I ask, which one would you rather do? If errands was an activity this would get complicated. I would be fine with kids running errands at camp all summer. However, they don't take the kids in the bunk to pickup groceries. For now, that the point is made, we can all agree that activities are awesome. Here are some of the general activities that split up your child's day at summer camp. Floor Hockey- A sport that Jews are competitive at, because nobody else plays it. Flag football is another sport American Jews are excellent at, as they play it in Israel and Israelis don't know what it is. There are more camp sports like newcomb, bottle cap football, Torah baseball and gaga. The key to the sports activities is to take a known sport and make it Jewish by taking out any specialized skill. You play hockey and take away the ice. You play volleyball by catching the ball. Newcomb is a sport everybody can be great at. Amazing activity. Torah Baseball- A sport where you compete with your mind, so you too can be a champion. It costs the camp a lot less for you to answer questions about the Torah portion than having to manicure a baseball field. Roof Ball- This is where you throw a ball on the roof, to wake up all the people in your bunk during rest hour. When I was younger, I knew this game as The Ball Got Stuck in the Gutter Ball. Camp games are usually named after the objects used in them. You have wall ball and floor ball. If there was a stick, we might have played stick ball. I can't promise you that stick ball would've been the name. Our counselor didn't allow us to remove the stick from the broom, so I wouldn't know. Oh. We had table ball. We used a table for that. We played that to bother people while they were eating lunch. Arts and Crafts- When you are not artistically talented, they add on the word “crafts.” It's now a useful item. It's not a sculpture, it's an ashtray. The mug is an ashtray. The spoon rest is an ashtray. It actually is the same thing. If it wasn't for arts and crafts people would stop smoking. Other than ceramics or ashtray making, there is also a Jewish component to the activity. Sometimes, the kids make a ritual washing cup that looks like an ashtray. The accepted arts and crafts tradition is to have the children make Jewish pieces that they will not be using for another half a year. You take a slab of wood and put nuts on it and that is your art; a candle holder for Chanukah, or an ashtray. Great activity. Free Swim- When the lifeguard goes to sleep. Shabbis Walk- There is not much you can do on Shabbat. They had to be creative when the campers asked them why there was nothing to do other than bottle cap football and Checkers, when their parents spent $9,500. That is when they came up with the activity known as the Shabbis Walk. In co-ed camps this is tantamount to romance. Almost as romantic as sitting in a tree. Hike- Walking not on Shabbat. Snack Time- When you get to drink milk out of an eight-ounce carton. Might be the most exciting activity in camp. Letter Time- Jewish summer camp is the only place where letters are still written by hand. This is how you honor your parents. With paper. Emails don’t show care. Going green is very bad for relationships. If your children haven't written you with a cursive signature yet, they don't love you. It’s about survival. Let’s say you are lost on a desert island, nobody around, and you want to contact your parents? The Post Office is all you have. They will pick up. Let’s say your computer can’t fake the personal letter that you wrote to three hundred people in cursive, all named “Shalom,” thanking them for coming to your party and donating money to your fund, and you have to sign by hand and you have poor penmanship? Think about that for a minute. No romance ever happened with an email. It must be handwritten and handed give on a Shabbis Walk. Shower Time- Anything with 'time' connected to it is an activity. Cleanup time. That's an activity. Cleanup is not an activity. Nobody wants to cleanup. If you hear 'It's cleanup time everybody,' you're jumping for joy and tucking in your blanket. Face Painting- That's an activity that will definitely lead to Shower Time. Excitement- Great activity. Screaming. Running and Screaming. Eating and screaming. Excitement is the number one activity. You have excitement at a 'time' and you have probably the best activity of the summer. $9,500. Shiurim- You have class time here too, to remind you that you are not on vacation. They call it camp, but they have Jewish classes. Your parents are spending $9,500. Yes, they are behind this painful part of the day. Davening- Prayers every day. You do more religious stuff in camp than in school. Camp is an extension of Jewish day school, because your parents are still complaining they paid way too much tuition. Music- This really is school. It's music class. You sing. They try to get you to harmonize correctly. It's music class. Night Activity- Anything done at night is exciting. Hence, that's the activity. Night. Night Seder- At very religious camps, this is where you learn Torah at night. Done at night, makes it more awesome. That’s an activity. During the day it’s learning, at night it’s an activity. That is how Jewish camp programs the day. Package Time- When parents send their child everything they love, so they don't feel like they're in camp. Usually done with Twizzlers, it's the parents way of apologizing for enjoying the absence of their child. A Twizzlers offering. It's a way to keep them at camp. Then, there are kids that don't get packages, and they hate this activity. Flag Raising- Do they still allow that? Is that too patriotic? Boating- Row boating. Maybe in a canoe. Sailing is not happening at the pool. The kids are not going into the lake. There's fish in there. It is a camp, and there is a lake. You need a lake for it to be a camp. Around five years ago, kids refused to swim in a lake. It was around that same time that kids started being correct, and started becoming dumber. If I was correct growing up, we wouldn't have swam and my bunk would've had air-conditioning. Leagues- Teams are made. They could've just called your bunk a team, but they want to make sure your team is not good. After spending two days putting you on the bad team, it's now time to figure out what sports you play. A chart is made by the sports staff as to what sports you're going to play, and against who. You finally have the teams and the leagues, and you explain to all the kids why they're not on a team with their bunkmates, and Color War starts; got to wait a week to start the leagues. You play floor hockey twice and camp is over. We would've had a ropes course and team building as an activity, but we saw how bad the teams went with the 'Leagues.' We also don't trust the other kids in the bunk to save your child. If your kid closed their eyes and fell back, that would be a full-on fall. Tags:
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If you forget Tu BShvat, there’s always Three BShvat. You get it? He misunderstood. Tu Bshvat is the 15th of Shevat, which is the New Year of the Trees. Not the 2nd. He thought it meant "two." So he said "Three BShvat." It should be Taz BShvat. Not “three.” There is always Taz BShvat. 
How these work, I don’t know. I appreciate all the healthy cookies and chips... I put on a few pounds eating a lot of healthy. It seems that too many healthy peanut butter cups will also get you fat. False advertisement.
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for his creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
8/27/2021
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