Announcements
When the Gabai gives a quiet stare from the Bima, that means people should stop talking. We understand that it is hard to notice the Gabai in the midst of conversation. However, please be aware of the Gabai as it is very awkward for all of us. We all feel like we're in third grade and in trouble. Please be conscientious and take the blame. The longer the Gabai stands there, there more awkward it is. Pesach cleaning must be done. Rosh Chodesh Nisan has passed and that means you should worry. Fear should be your first thought. We are getting together to talk about Pinny. We are going to find him a Shidduch. Anybody with nieces or granddaughters, please help. Pinny needs our help. Seeing old single Pinny in shul is almost as awkward as the Gabai looking at me from the Bima. Matzah is now a hundred and fifty dollars a pound. We are going to be collecting Kimcha DPischa for all of our congregants. We understand that the Feinblooms are wealthy, yet they cannot afford Matzah. Last year they sold a building and it still wasn't enough to feed their family for the last days. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 1:1) 'And H' called to Moshe.' H' called. He wanted to speak to him. So, H' called him. How about from now on, I call you into my office when I want to speak to you. You don't pop into my office and say 'Hey rabbi...' I call in congregants I want to see... No. I don't want to speak to you during Torah reading. I don't want to get in trouble by the Gabai. I don't want him staring at me... Pinny needs help. I am fine talking about getting Pinny married... Pathetic. Why do I not want to talk to you? Because you complain. All you do is complain... I don't want your complaints. Though, I do know Matzah is way too expensive. I agree... As Rashi teaches, 'Called... an expression of affection.' When was the last time you called your mom?!... We're talking about calling here. To call. Not to send a 'hello.' We're talking about picking up a phone and calling. Not an email... Called up to the Torah... The Gabai only calls the people he likes... Well. Shmuli deserves an Aliyah, even though he's not your buddy... The Gabai doesn't like you. It's clear. He called you up for Anim Zmirot... H' then tells Moshe how the people have to bring their offerings... There is no affection if you bring Karbanot messed up. H' doesn't want messed up offerings. He doesn't call us for that. If you don't do your part. If you don't clean your house for Pesach… If you give a messed up donation of eighteen dollars to the shul. H' doesn't want... Nobody wants eighteen dollars. I am going to start sending the Gabai to people's homes with the eighteen dollar check in hand, to stand at the door and stare at you... Yes. It's a disappointment. And as for Bar Mitzvah gifts... It makes the Bar Mitzvah boys cry... A donation in honor of who? Whose life are you saving for eighteen dollars?! Do you know how many more congregants we need to pay my contract at eighteen dollars?!... Would H' accept an eighteen dollar sacrifice?! No. Because at eighteen dollars you're sacrificing nothing. H' wouldn't call for that... The Machatzit HaShekel was different. It's a different currency... The Gabai put his hand on Bima… You don’t continue when his hand is there and he’s staring at the shul. Are you even a Chazin?!... It’s not about you Pinny. We all feel like failures when he looks at us. We all feel like Pinnys… Why? Because you’re not married. You can’t be happy… Because you’re not married… I didn’t say marriage was the way to happiness. Just that you’re not married. Are you even cleaning for Pesach… No. You can’t clean on Shabbis. Why do you think Frum homes are not clean… That’s why I don’t eat in your homes. They’re too clean. Cleaning is not the sacrifice. We need to sacrifice for Pinny. He needs our help. Pathetic... Let's chip in to pay for Pinny to go on a date... Eighteen dollars is not enough!!! Rivka’s Rundown Finally, somebody stood up to the eighteen dollar Chai donations. Finally. It took our rabbi. He even said he would leave the shul with one more eighteen dollar donation, in fear that the shul would go bankrupt and not be able to pay his salary. The rabbi started offering group counseling to kids who got eighteen dollar gifts. It turns out that many of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids were thinking about leaving Yiddishkeit, after they saw what their friends got for Christmas. Gavin hasn't got an Aliyah in years. He's not loved. No affection. The Gabai hates him. He's been relegated to Galilah and Tzedakah box carrier. People got sentimental with the calling your mom concept. The rabbi should've done an appeal then. He would've got money. He should've said, 'When was the last time you called your mom? There is an appeal card on your seat for the new addition to our building.' Once he said 'mom' people were willing to give more than eighteen dollars. His Yom Kippur appeal should be about moms. 'This Yom Kippur, think of your mom and give the shul a lot...' Some people tried making a phone call after shul, but for reason of affection and keeping the laws of Shabbat, the rabbi smacked them. I have never seen so much anxiety in a shul. People were so worried about Pesach cleaning. The lady had developed a Pesach tic. Every Siddur she touched, she took a tissue and started cleaning it. Later, when she shook my hand, she rubbed it down with a baby wipe. Between us, the Gabai stared too long. They weren’t that loud. Due to people not noticing the quiet stare from the Bima, in the midst of their passionate conversation, the Gabai has started going around to ask people to be quiet. The Gabai found that with all the talking, there are too many places to be. We now have six Gabais whose job it is to keep people quiet. The shul is thinking of hiring an extra security guard to bounce congregants from shul, and to scare them from coming in. The Gabai stare is awkward. It makes everybody uncomfortable. We all feel like kids. It’s almost as awkward as seeing Pinny, the old single guy, in shul. Awkward. Nobody wants to take the blame for Gabai stares. I never heard, 'It was me.' Them saying that would probably cause more staring. And nobody wants to take the blame for Pinny. I believe one time the Gabai just stopped and stared at Pinny. Nobody was talking. It was just a way to note how pathetic the old single guy in shul is. After the Gabai saw enough people shake their heads in discontent, he allowed the Chazin to continue. A class was given on shul etiquette and Gabai stares. The rabbi also explained in the class that the banging on the Bima was not due to anger, but to scare people into saying the Rosh Chodesh prayers. Finding Pinny a wife is a communal activity. Committees have been formed. One committee made a point to go into his house and throw out pictures from his childhood as he looked awkward. The Pinny committee refused to clean his house for Pesach. That was too scary. The Gabai stared at how dirty the floor was and walked out. He didn't even touch any of the tables, as they were too dirty. It's called The Pinny Committee. He is the cause. His singleness is a charity. Tags:
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This week's Torah reading is a double Parsha. You may want to show up late. It is going to be painful. To make it worse, the Bar Mitzvah boy is going to read a couple of the Aliyahs. Rule: Dad's are not allowed near their children when their kids lead services. The dad standing there like a helicopter Jew adds to much time to the services, and it causes people to hate your child. The weather is cold again. You can use that as your excuse for why you never come to shul. The community Shabbat dinner is this coming Shabbat. We are going to have fore spice sized plates, as Cheryl found a way to pile up the whole shnitzel platter on her plate last year. Don't eat at the Katzenbergs for Shabbat lunch. They have no idea how to make a decent potato kugel. They will kill your Shabbis afternoon. The shul's Kugel Bakeoff is to take place next week. Do not worry. We have disqualified the Katzenbergs from joining. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:1) 'Moshe gathered all the community of Israel...' I can't even gather you guys for Hamotzie... Everybody washed and we were waiting... Why does everybody think that when we go to wash, they should have a conversation?! You never want to talk to these people, except for when you're washing for bread... He didn't gather the Israelites to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy read... I don't care that it was six months ago. It's painful. The kid pronounces the words. If it was the Katzenberg's Kugel, nobody would've showed. You couldn't gather people with that thing. There's a reason nobody showed to shul to honor Siril Katzenberg's graduation... They knew that you made the Kugel. He told them what they are commanded... There are commandments. Requirements. Such as Minyin... Yes. Show up. That's my command. The shul needs a Minyin... Starts with Shabbat. If we could get a Minyin on Shabbat. After the commandment of Shabbat, we see the concept of people giving stuff to the Temple and the services.... When people come together they give to the place of worship... All you do is complain about the shul. You don't show up and you complain... The Katzenbergs giving Kugel is not appreciated… Of course it’s leftovers. Shouldn't that be a sing?! I can't even call the community together because nobody here shares... Sharing is a Mitzvah... You didn't share. To be a community, you share. You piled up your plate. You came back to the table and said you got it for them... They can get up. You got the shnitzel for yourself Cheryl. Then, you loaded up the cinnamon rugulach... Yes. Everybody loves the cinnamon rugulach. But you took it. Next time, just take the platter, Cheryl… For your table?! They don’t even like the raspberry or apricot filling. I don’t even know why they make those cookies with apricot filling. Are they Hamentashen?... Exactly. Apricot jelly filling should only be used in Hamentashen… It’s tradition Cheryl. We have a holiday for apricot filling. Blueberry jam is for Pesach. You put it on the cream cheese. On the Matzah... Yeah. It tastes great. Community doesn’t come to a Shabbis dinner and take all of the food for themselves. That’s why we have the smaller plates now... It's because of you Cheryl. It's because you don't trust people to take their own rugulach... The only thing you share is bad jokes. It has to stop Mervin. Everybody shared. They brought their valuables. Women gave bracelets and earrings... Nice ones. Not the ones with birds hanging. Whatever that Michal Negrin stuff you bought is. They didn't give Katzenberg potato kugel... No. You cannot submit a potato kugel to the Bakeoff. That is not fair to other people. Your kugel is vile. If that Bar Mitzvah kid was reading, the congregation would've said, 'We don't care if it's Shabbis. We are not going to take this abuse and show up to Minyin anymore. Get somebody who doesn’t enunciate'... They might have even hung you as his dad. Everybody hates your kid now... He lost of all his friends because you make him nervous and he stutters. He's developed a Haftorah tick to his left... That's where you stand. He can't even talk to his friends without looking over his shoulders, worried if he said the word loud enough... Next time we do Hamotzie, let’s come together. It’s not a time to fill up your plate. Moshe gathering the people would've been impossible if they were loading up their plates at the buffet instead of washing their hands for Hamotzie... Rivka’s Rundown Such a beautiful message of Achdut, unity, so that people can start their dinner. The people in the shul give nothing. When I say nothing, I mean nothing that anybody wants. Somebody donated a hand-me-down skirt she got from her older sister. She insisted it was very expensive, as it had sentimental value. The shul dinner was messed up. The rabbi had to yell at people to call them together for Kiddish. He washed, and then he yelled, 'You can't talk after you wash.' One of the kids must work as a waiter. The way they piled up the shnitzel on the new small plate is an art. I saw him sticking pieces in. It was a pyramid of shnitzel. A balancing act. The difference between the kid and Cheryl is that he insisted that he didn't get the shnitzel for the table. It was all for him. Baruch's son just got Bar Mitzvahed half a year ago. When he reads, it's painful. His dad wants him to enunciate. The whole shul hates him now. They are waiting for him to protest his dad and mumble the words fast. Truth is the whole congregation hates that family; almost as much as the Anim Zemirot kid. It's the dads that kill it for them. New rule in the congregation. You can't lead unless you do it real fast. Pronouncing words is not appreciated by anybody, or allowed. I believe that if the people follow this we will get more members. I think the rabbi ate at the Katzenbergs last week. He did not like their Kugel. He considered it a sin. The Bakeoff went well. And the Katzenbergs enjoyed it, as they didn't have to eat their Kugel. The rabbi had to explain the meaning behind the different jelly fillings and why raspberry should only be used on Sukkot. I think the main reason is that he likes the tartness. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Tisa3/12/2023
Announcements
Note from the Rabbi: I got the worst Mishloach Manot again. Here is a list of stuff that is forbidden to put in Mishloach Manot next year, all of which were in the basket I got from the Perlwitz family: Lemon wafers, thimble sized alcohol you stole from ELAL, poppy seed Hamentashen- because nobody likes it, papers you need to recycle, and anything you need to get out of your house so that you have less to clean for Pesach. We will be honoring the Feldenwitz family with a Kiddish. We don't believe they deserve a dinner. A Kiddish should be enough for them. They like gefilte fish balls and not enough people like them to raise money for the shul. Sleeping on Shabbat is a good thing, as Shabbat is the day of rest. Even so, the rabbi does request that you don't sleep during his sermon. The Pesach Cleaners are now out and open for business. They're charging fifty-five dollars an hour. They said that's a good deal. They will charge less if they don't have to hear parents screaming at their kids. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 30:12) When counting 'let each person give atonement for their soul to H'... so there won't be a plague when counting.' This congregation just needs to do atonement... There already is a plague in this shul. A plague of bad Mishloach Manot. To give atonement means giving money. Nobody here gives money. There is a plague of cheap in this congregation right now... Would you call give me a can of peas that expires in 2028 a good gift? Well. That's what I got in my Mishloach Manot... Then you should've thrown it out. If you didn't want it, you should've thrown it out. Now, my house is full of a plague of stuff I have to clean before Pesach. Because of your Mishloach Manot... How many are here? Do we even have a Minyin? I think we have a Minyin of people who donated nothing to the shul. But I wouldn't know... We can't count in this shul because you people don't don't give anything. If you donated... You did give me poppy seed Hamntashen. If we counted how many Hamentashen that I got in my Mishloach Manot, we would have a Minyin... No. We are not counting people. Rashi teaches that the evil eye has power over the Minyin... We don't want more evil here... No. A half shekel is not a fundraiser... Numbering things. Minyin... In our case, this Minyin is an evil eye. Just look at Bernie… That’s an evil eye. He’s also mad about having to clean your trash… Yes. That’s what your Mishloach manot is. Stuff you wanted to throw out. (Shemot 30:13-15) Half a shekel. That's it... Or two or three half shekels... Don't ask me. It's complicated. The rich don't give more and the poor don't give less... It doesn't say 'nobody gives anything... Well that's the tradition of our shul. Give something. If everybody would just give a decent Hamentashen. Rich and poor... I don't need an artisan poppy seed Hamentash... I know the rich in our shul don't give anything. And they keep the chocolate Hamentashes for themselves. What I am trying to say is the rich are selfish. And you can't build a Temple like that. None of you put your heart and soul into what you gave. I know, because I got Mishloach Manot from you... Next year. Put in a shekel to atone for your poor judgement. It’s a month before Pesach and now I've got crumbs of leavened poppy seed. It's Asur to have Chametz before Pesach and you are Asur. Put your heart into Kiddish. Are the Feldenwitzs that unimportant that they get a Kiddish?!... I understand it's about raising money for the shul. Nobody would get anything for giving a half shekel on behalf of the Feldenwitzs... Your just not successful enough for people to like, Simmy... When people give money, you can make a decent washing stand and basin. A Kiyor. Unlike the washing station outside the sanctuary with a plastic cup... I know it's a Natlan. It's the stuff you use in the bathroom. They were able to use copper because people gave money. If you spent something on your Mishloach Manot. Just a little. I wouldn’t have had peas that nobody wants… It doesn’t even have a tab. I have to find a can opener. A non-copper can opener. That’s how bad the peas are. And there were rules for how you had to make the Kiyor. That is why we now have Mishloach Manot rules... A lot of evil here. Evil and no half shekels. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi went through the bad Mishloach Manot. He described each item and why it is wrong. And how this is not what Mordechai had in mind when he suggested gift baskets to celebrate. 'You don’t celebrate a month before Pesach with crumbs.' Which is why the rabbi also declared that all Hamentashen must be of soft pastry. The rabbi almost called off the Mitzvah altogether. Though, I don't think he has to. most of our congregants don't know what Mishloach Manot are. They think it's a plastic bag with a clown on it. Whoever started writing Thank Yous for Mishloach Manot is an idiot. Mordechai definitely didn't think it was a good idea to have to write Thank Yous. Those things kill every decent Bar Mitzvah gift. I say it's not a real gift if I have to write a Thank You. I would rather buy something for them and make them go through the hassle of writing a Thank You card. Thank You letters are like a punishment for knowing people who give you bad gifts. The rabbi called the people Asur. Amazing. As the rabbi stated that there are too many people falling asleep during his sermons and it is hurting his feelings. That was not smart. Now, the whole back left section brings eye-masks. They were eye-masks for Purim to sleep when the rabbi was talking. Nobody cares about the Feldenwitzs. If you truly don’t want to honor them, they might as well give Simmy Galilah. That's a smack in the face. That's what you do for unimportant people who don't have a lot of money, and volunteer and devote their lives to the shul. The poor people didn’t like the idea of a half shekel. They said it’s too much. The rabbi’s idea of half shekel Mishloach Manot though was a great idea. The Pesach Cleaners demanded their money back from the shul for the advertisement in the announcements. They said the shul misrepresented them. The only business they got were shirts that needed to be dry-cleaned. If we learned anything. The Beis Hamikdash would never have been built with bad Mishloach Manot. Tags:
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Purim is this Tuesday. There is no reason to drink on Shabbat, unless if you have to deal with the new Shul Simcha Committee. They are very annoying and will bring anybody to drinking. Anybody married to Harold Feinbloom can also drink. Other than that, drunkenness is Asur. The costume parade will include true Mardi Gras performers. We don't want another pathetic showing of poorly tailored Esther costumes. This week's Kiddish honors a Jew. Sign up for the shul luncheon. It's not a Kiddish. This means you have to pay. We understand how paying can ruin your happiness. If you spent time with the Simcha Committee, you'd understand that there's many ways to ruin Simcha; such as sitting in at one of their meetings. We're asking for Machatzit Hashekel. We realize we'll never collect the full amount of dues. If we can at least get half an nis from congregants, that will be appreciated. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 28:2) 'And you shall make holy vestments for Aharon your brother, for glory and splendor.' Our Gabai has the ugliest suit I have ever... Well. You're representing the congregation. This is the most disheveled membership... It's Shabbis. It's not Purim. On Shabbat you wear holy stuff... Yeah. Like a tie. We're not in Israel. Apikorsim here... Well, I though that was a costume. It's got to be the ugliest dress I have seen. Make vestments. Not costumes... There's a difference. A vestment is a work of fine clothing. A costume is something that looks like a vestment if it were not to last a day... Yes. It's not fine material. Rivka's sweater is bad material... No. It's a costume. That can't be regular clothes. That's a thread count of two. When families make clothes for each other... Your Chanukah sweater was an Asur gift. No glory wearing that. Rambam Hilchot Mada says a Chacham should not walk around in messed up clothes... Costumes. Yes. That means costumes. Which is why I won't dress up this Purim... That was meant for the Gabai. I can't get over how ugly that suit is. The sun is shining off it... Polyester... If you were a Chacham, a wise man, you wouldn't wear that... Because it's ugly. Do you need the Rambam to tell you this?! It was all made to serve H'.... They were to minister to H' (28:1)... The Kohanim were ministers... Jewish ministers in the Temple. Not a church... That's why they didn't look like Tzurel and Sam... That's a polyester suit. It's about caring for each other. You don't let your brother walk out of the house looking like that... Purim is Monday night. It's Shabbis right now. No need for a costume... A costume or an ugly outfit like... (28:6) 'The work of a thinker'... Yes. That's how I translate it. You think before you get dressed. You go to a decent tailor... Think. Half of you look like you're part of a 1990s gang with one leg shorter than the other. You guys in this shul never think… Well look at the Purim carnival program. It’s not supposed to be Carnival. You have an apple bob. You don't have a dragon dancing through the shul... You don’t show up to shul drunk for Parshat Zachor… That’s not celebrating. That’s alcoholism… That’s not a hangover. That’s drunk. That's why we end up with a dragon and polyester suits. It's about remembering. Zachor... To wipe out Amalek. To remember congregants that have wronged you. The Simhca Committee is very annoying... Yes. They've wronged me. I sat in and listened to the chair... No idea who gave her a chair. It would've been rude not to... That’s why your clothes are messed up. Next time, don’t get dressed drunk... Zachor. Remember. Remember to look decent. Remember to wear a tie for once... Your costumes are pathetic… A ghost? That was a sheet. You didn’t even cut holes in it… I understand. You didn’t want to ruin the bedding. That’s fiscally responsible and a poor costume... At least give Machatzit HaShekel. You don't give to your Shabbis clothes. And don’t forget to give money to Od Yosef Chai… It’s supposed be for two meals… Three dollars doesn’t cover two meals… What are you eating? Rice? Dinner is rice and rice... That's what you feed poor people. And that's why next week's Kiddish is rice. Rivka’s Rundown The way our membership uses Purim as an excuse to drink for three weeks. I don't know if sports bars is what Mordechai had in mind. Between us, the rabbi got lazy and didn't want to go shopping for another costume this year. He usually shows up in some amazingly intricate cultural costume. Come to think of it. I think he's just worried he will get cancelled for dressing up on Purim. Saying it's forbidden to wear a costume was a good way to work around the wokeness of our shul. I think people not dressing up as stigmas of other people will make it hard to find costumes. We'll be stuck with American looking Queen Esthers and that's it. The costumes in our shul are pathetic. One guy dressed up as an office manager. You know what he does for a living? He’s an office manager. How many Queen Esthers do we need?! Does every eight year old need to be Queen Esther?! Tzurel's dress was an ugly dress. You only wear ugly like that if it's a costume. We need better dressed people in the congregation. The Mardi Gras people really added to the Purim spirit. Though, it would have been more appropriate for our Jewish holiday if they weren't wearing crosses. The shul gave up and decided on Machatzit HaShekel for dues. They even had a hard time getting people to give a half a shekel. Some said they’ll give one eighteenth of a shekel as it’s more meaningful. Most of the high shoolers in the congregation hate hearing 18. They're mad that so many people low-balled them by using Chai to justify cheap Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts. They're just being cheap. Some of the congregants have started buying gifts at 5 and Below, writing a card that says 'Chai' on it. They served the food on one table, I had to wait to get near the choolante, I got hit by an older man that wanted Kichel. It was a Kiddish. It was a Kiddish and we paid a lot of money for it. A scam. That was more than Machatzit Hashekel. The rabbi didn't give a list of the congregants that wronged him. He's got a lot of built up anger over the years. And the Simcha Committee brought it out. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Terumah2/26/2023
Announcements
Shiva will take place at 3pm on Wednesday. Refreshments will be served. Please don't show to the Perlstein family's home before that. They don't want to celebrate till Wednesday. The rabbi comforted the family with a hug. He didn't mean to hug anybody. He takes it back. He did not realize anybody would be offended. He didn’t know what to do. She was ninety and crying. He didn't know that was abuse. Statement from the Rabbi: 'I will try not to be friendly anymore. I did not know that being friendly and showing people you care is creepy.' This week's Kiddish honors the one who cleaned the railing. It was full of dust. Way to take step up for the shul, Cal. Your heart desires. Kol Hakavod. There's less dust. You're an inspiration. A fine example of a Jew. Donation week is coming. The office will be in touch to collect your donations from three years ago that you haven't given yet. We've given up on anything more than four years ago. The IRS will deal with that. We're just ashamed that you're part of this congregation. As it is donation week, you can drop off your donations. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 25:2) 'Take for Me a portion from every man whose heart motivates him...' The shul office is going to start taking money out of people's bank accounts. As the Torah says to take... H' commands a portion for Him. You haven't donated anything to the shul that is worth... A Terumah is a portion. Something decent. Acacia wood. It's not just a donation. You donated your baseball glove from little league and pine wood. Who gives pine?... Acacia wood is quality stuff. Who doesn’t love acacia wood… Terumah is a portion. A portion of something you like. Something decent... You have been dropping off your garbage at the shul for... The new pantry outside the shul has your garbage. Every night, you should be putting in a portion of dinner. Cut off a piece of the steak and stick it in the pantry... Poor people should not get your canned peas... Canned peas are garbage... The can was open... The expiration should've already been. That stuff is three years beyond. The fact that the expiration is 2045 is wrong... It was so bad, you got rid of it 22 years early. Every man gave a portion to H' when they had a decent heart... Decent hearts are motivated... You don't understand portions, because you don't have a decent heart. You understand getting rid of stuff that takes up space. What do you give to shul?... No. Those are plastic flowers... They gave shoham stones. They gave aromatic incense. There was Channel 5 given at the last fundraiser. It smells good. But now the shul smells like a retirement village... Not just Sadie's section. The men's section does too. We went from potpourri to Channel 5... No. You don't donate to a Shiva. We don't need more death. I understand you care, but we don't need more death to be donated to the community... I hope you're not motivated to help with death. I know you don't like your husband... You're motivated to give. I get it. You're motivated to give stuff you don't want. But you would keep the shoham stone. It's good stuff. You give the shul mood rocks. Worst donation... I have never seen so many angry people. Then the Gabai decides to pass it to people when they get an Aliyah. The new shul rule was that nobody who is happy should have an Aliyah... Well. That's what the mood rock showed. You see. None of you ever give the decent stuff... Your eggplant parmesan is disgusting... Acacia wood. You give acacia wood and the Testimony is put in there... The tablets. No. We don't put garbage in the ark. You can’t donate your garbage instead of money... We’re honoring everything now. That's what happens when you get bad donations, you end up honoring everybody with a Kiddish and a dinner. The guy cleaned a little. It’s great. Does he need a Kiddish… I said 'Shabbat Shalom' to some people. Does that get a Kiddish… It’s not volunteering. He ran his handkerchief over the handrail. There’s an issue when there are no Kiddish standards. We should work it like the Tabernacle. If you donate decent stuff, you get a Kiddish. If you give a breastplate you get a Kiddish. If you build the Aron, you get a Kiddish. Standards... No. Not if you bring three bags of hand-me-downs... What are we going to build in the shul with bell-bottoms?! At least, when you get honored, donate something… I have a heart. That's why I donate decent stuff, like a finger pointer... Well. Not everybody is good at pointing. That's why we have a vessel for it. People are vessels of emotion... She needed comforting… She lost her husband, her sister, her friend… She’s ninety. She’s lost everyone. She's ninety... How am I creep for comforting her and caring... And why is Shiva a program now? You do Shiva when somebody dies. That’s Shiva. There aren’t Shiva times… So you don’t sleep for a week. They're dead. Are we forgetting they're dead?!... What kind of a person gets good sleep when their spouse passes away?? No more hugs. I don’t want to be locked up for caring for people who are mourning... I get it. Caring is creepy... Your heart desires to blame your rabbi for caring. Nobody's heart desires to donate. The office is going to take money out of your bank accounts to collect dues. That's why it says 'Take for Me a portion.' Because you guys give nothing willingly... Rivka’s Rundown Finally, somebody explained the Yad. The finger pointer now makes sense. They really do honor everybody. Why do I need to say Mazel Tov after shul every time I want Danish, Kichel or herring. The rabbi banned the mood rock, as everybody in the shul was mad. The shul was in a constantly angry mood and the rabbi didn't want to see it on a rock, in maroon. I got great sleep once my husband died. The night after the funeral, I had so much more bed to sleep on. Amazing sleep. No snoring. If I get married again, I'm not sharing a bed. Specifically on Wednesday. That’s when Shiva is. As if they scheduled the program and planned it. The new shul tradition is to have an assortment of refreshments for the Shiva guests. Now, your spouse dies and you're expected to host. Refreshments???!!! Like a party. The congregants treat everything like a Simcha. 'Merel is dead. Mazel Tov.' Then, some congregants bring food. So, now it's a potluck party. Some have made the decision to have Shiva picnics. People were offended by the hug. The lady came to the rabbi and leaned on him. What's he supposed to do? Let her drop? The membership took dropping off donations as dropping off their trash. Tons of garbage bags full of stuff were found at the back entrance. They heard pantry from the rabbi. Some started dropping off their laundry. Others dropped off their storage and asked the shul where they will keep it. To quote Mark, ‘It’s cheaper than paying for Cubes R Us.' ‘Ashamed you’re part of the congregation.’ I think that means the office is ashamed of the whole shul membership. Donation week was the worst idea the shul ever had. That’s why the rabbi didn’t mention it. Anything that people were going to try to sell in the spring was brought to the shul. So, every pointless item that nobody wants at a garage sale was brought to the shul. I have never seen so much wicker in mu life. They should call it garbage drop off week. The other part of donation week is collecting pledges (that's really what it's for- awareness for paying the shul) people haven’t given in years. It’s pathetic. It’s harder to collect the money than to get people to give it. People get all egotistical when they get up in front of the congregation for Aliyahs. The shul must’ve raised forty thousand dollars last year from Aliyahs. They collected two. Two hundred dollars. I say they collect the money upfront. If they did that, there would be less fights. It would be the first time Shlomo and Sid wouldn't fight over who's getting the Aliyah. Sid would give in every time. The shul started going into people’s accounts. Some complained that they went into overdraft for an Aliyah. Shivas have had some stragglers. People like to hang out in other people's homes, as they don't have to clean. People enjoy the Shivas too much. Especially the deceased's family members. The rabbi has had to put out many announcements about not having disco music at the Shiva houses, even if people are happy. Why our community is stuck on disco is something I will never understand. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Mishpatim2/19/2023
Announcements
We need people for a Minyin. It's called a quorum. We need people for that. Without people, you don't have a quorum. That's why it's called a quorum. The rabbi said that the message should be to show up to shul. The reason? It's shul. Show up. Board elected was decided. No opponents. Penina and Saul were voted in. If somebody can find Penina and Saul and let them know they were voted in, that would be appreciated. The office can't find them. Please note, the office was able to find them. And then, right after the elections, they have not been able to be contacted. We don't know why. But please help us find them. Slavery in our community must stop. We've heard mothers in our community saying they're slaving in the kitchen. Kitchen slavery is not right. The rabbi is announcing that every home must have a crockpot. Ovens and timers are a form of slavery. Next week's class is titled 'Jewish Men are Not Handy and Their Wives Don't Like That.' We will teach Jewish men how to turn a screwdriver without calling somebody. The class on hammers will be a four part series, with handymen, who know how to use their hands. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 21:6) If the slave wants to stay 'his master shall bring him... to the door or the doorpost and his master shall bore through his ear with an awl...' I did not want to stay as rabbi of this shul. Next Shmitah, I am out... I pierced my tongue before I became religious... You don't pierce with a nail unless if it's been sanitized. Safety comes first when hacking through a slave's ear... It's better to pierce in a doorpost, Then you can use the hole for a Mezuzah. You pierce in the door, it's an eyesore... Nobody measures their kids on the door itself. The doorpost... No. Piercings are not supported for men... They didn't pierce the ear and have guys walking around with lintels in their ears. Jambs were not a style... No. You can't hit people. You can only pierce a hole with an awl in the ear of your slave... Slavery is wrong... I get it. It's still wrong... Slaves were fashionable. Why pierce the ear? Rashi teaches it's the ear that heard at Har Sina that 'to Me Bnei Yisrael are servants.' We should be serving Gd... Rabbi Yochanan's teaching of the ear that said to not steal, is the other reason given... And here he wants to stay for his wife and children? What parent in this shul wouldn't run away if they could?... You don't seem to care. Your kids run all over the halls... He was sold into slavery because he stole. I can't tell you how many Aliyahs the Gabai has stolen from... Even if your wife has pierced ears, she should not be slaving over lasagna. It's wrong. No woman should have to open an oven to see if something is good... Neither should men have to slave in kitchens. It's enough. Rashi teaches in the name of Rabbi Shimon that it's the door jambs that are the witness in Mitzrayim that we should be servants to Gd and not servants to servants, when H' passed over our homes... If I had a witness for how messed up the board is... That's why we can't get board members to serve more than one term. It's the only Mitzvah they keep. No more than one term... But you don't show up to shul. So, you're not serving Gd... You're here today. That's not showing up to shul. Minyin. Yes. It's every day... It’s a Mitzvah... This is a shul. That's why we have a shul... No. It's not for Challah baking. It's not for potluck dinners... Love the crocheting club. But it's for Minyin. That's why we have shul... You can’t have a Minyin without people… The rabbi can’t do everything by himself. I know you hired me and I get paid. But I can't count myself as more than one person... You can't pay somebody to be the whole Minyin. Money doesn't cover... You don't even pay your dues. Why are we talking about money... Of course He passed over homes, if it was this community with its bad construction... H’ would’ve passed over the homes of our members because of how poorly they’re constructed. Worst architecture I have ever seen. No pride... Even if you were a slave, you couldn't build a door... That's pathetic. You'd have to call a handyman. A man with hands… They’re not slaves. They’re men with hands. Do you even have hands?... You can hire somebody to work on your home. It looks messed up right now... It's not slavery to pay. Which is why you should all pay your dues. You would not hit the nail with a hammer. You'd miss the nail. That's why we're having a class... No. They didn't higher handymen to pierce the ears with an awl. There are rules. Mishpatim. Laws... Minyin. Show up. Rivka’s Rundown Now. Asides from the crocheting and Challah baking classes, we have wood-shop classes in shul. The rabbi having to explain slavery is wrong took a long time. Around twenty minute conversation. Many members don't like to pay their contractors on time. After the slavery discussion, the women now want contractors to cook dinner. They're saying that if their men need to hire somebody to change a light, they should get lasagna made too. Nobody showed up to Challah baking this week, due to the rabbi's message of it being slavery. Why should their men allowed to be incapable?! As a woman, I can tell you, it's a turnoff when you hear that a congregant had a heart-attack because he had to change a bulb with a screwdriver. And it was too much for him. The women are truly turned off by the men in our shul. The rabbi is correct. They're men without hands. Non-handymen. The discussion of Minyin being important to shul was had. That was another half hour of Torah explanation of how a quorum means more than one. The congregants were mad that they're paying the rabbi and he can't do the Minyin. That was a strongly worded announcement. ‘It’s shul. Show up.’ I guess people haven’t been showing up. The membership is happy. Now they know they're doing something wrong. Now people understand why we have a shul. To blame the rabbi. The rabbi tried to say he was not a Baal Teshuva, though he became more religious. He just hates Baal Teshuvas. Penina and Saul ran. Once they heard that somebody delegated them to the board, they ran. They’re now off the grid. Voting in people without their knowing is the new form of elections in our shul. It works. It's the only way to get people onto the board. I think its this new generation. These kids nowadays don't know how to sit in a meeting where nothing is happening. I'm afraid for the future of boards and committees. Last year they tried having people nominate themselves. We went half a year without a board. At least the rabbi said it wasn't a real board. He hates the board more than Baal Teshuvas. Now, the office nominates and delegates and then they tell the people. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Yitro2/12/2023
Announcements
Somebody died. We didn't get the name, but they are related to people that are in the congregation. Whoever it is did not share their name or the name of the deceased. They just asked we announce death. The shul doesn't have information. It's a death and we wish them the best. They were a Tzadik. Leadership is changing next month. The office will be calling people to join the board. Please do not change your phone numbers like last year. Guest speakers will not happen after this week. We thought it would be nice to have guest speakers, but the rabbi still gives his sermon. Until we can figure out a way to not have the rabbi speak, we will stay away from guest speakers. We want to commend all of those that are still wearing masks for ZoomMitzvahs. Showing up to a Bar Mitzvah online with a mask shows how much you care about keeping people safe that you are not in contact with. We commend you for not passing on diseases to yourself. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom Congregation Beis Emes uSefillah... It is a great honor to be here. Yitro is an amazing father-in-law and you are such an amazing congregation. Yitro would have said that. (Sermon was stopped by the congregants and the rabbi took over. It was nauseating how kind the guest speaker was. They booed her- the rabbi took over here). Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... I am sorry for that. You all know how annoying you are... You can stop cheering. Was Moshe an annoying son-in-law? The Torah doesn't say. However, I can tell you that Shmuel is an extremely annoying son-in-law. He's just annoying... (Shemot 18:12) ‘Yitro, the father-in-law of Moshe, took an elevation offering and feast offerings to Gd, and Aharon and all the elders of Israel came to eat bread with the father-in-law of Moshe...' You don't even sponsor a Kiddish. Your father-in-law came, you didn't even have herring... That's why he doesn't like you... Sacrifices are an excuse to eat. You're in the mood for a decent steak, you thank Gd and you can now enjoy it with the boys... Aharon and the elders came because there was food. They wouldn't have been there if there wasn't decent food... You come to shul for Kiddish. Not for guest speakers (everybody cheered)... Moshe would've at least had a Kiddish for his father-in-law. The Torah talks about Yitro because he was a good father-in-law... Greg isn't a good father-in-law... That's why the family talks about you. You’re bad... Greg. You come in and tell your son-in-law how to fix everything. You might as well tell him he can't upkeep his house... I know he's a loser... Yitro told Moshe how to judge a nation. You're telling him how to fix a sink... Yitro didn't care that Moshe had uneven floors... Let's talk about in-laws. People who hate you... If Yitro was your father-in-law, he wouldn't visit. If I get saved from the shul, my family will visit... Why are you wearing a mask?... Sorry. I didn't know you were allergic to your mother-in-law... What was the Chazin doing… What were you doing? You went on for eight minutes. You were like a guest speaker (cheers)… It was one word. I think you lost the whole congregation. Our Chazin is a father-in-law... Then, you're just rude. The Chazin should’ve been wearing a mask. To stop us from having to listen to him. Worst announcement ever. ‘Death’… You put something personal in there… Then make something up. 'They are survived by people.' Give some information... They were definitely not a Tzadik... I am just going with percentage of members of our shul. Chances are they weren't a Tzadik. Yitro was a Tzadik... Where is Simmy. I haven't seen him for a while. I know he was very sick. Deathly ill... You personalize the experience. That’s what happened with Yitro. He connected because it was personal. They had dinner with him… Where is Simmy?! And yes. I am apologizing for the leadership. Yitro was a leader. Moshe was a leader. Kevin is not a leader… How did he get voted to the board? Shmuel. His father-in-law was so proud of Moshe that he mentions it to everybody. 'I'm Yitro. The fahter-in-law of Moshe'... I didn't even know that was your father-in-law... The Torah doesn't mention him... Rivka’s Rundown The in-laws’ part of the speech had everybody on edge. Each member of the shul was worried their in-laws were about to visit. Death is a big thing in the shul. People love hearing about it. I think they read the announcements for death. If there weren’t obituaries, half of our congregation would get the local paper. If the New York Times had obituaries, our congregation would read that for the local news. I think that bringing up death relaxed people, after hearing about their in-laws. Our rabbi has to visit the sick more. He had no idea Simmy passed away. Everybody seems to be a Tzadik when they die. No matter what, they're a Tzadik. A total jerk, but when they die, a Tzadik. Our rabbi jumped in and the congregation was relieved to hear how annoying they are. The guest speaker was too positive. The congregants started booing them. She wasn't tough enough to rebuke us. The membership senses weakness. They're animals. The rabbi literally took over the sermon. I think he even booed the guest speaker for being too kind, along with the congregation. I don't think that any guest speaker wants to come to our congregation now. I like how the rabbi brought in Kiddish and how that is the same as sacrifices. Tuna salad and Kichel are holy. Sacrifices are a way to get away from the family. You tell your spouse it's for Gd and you can get a night out. I understand sacrifices now, for the husbands. Beautiful leadership point. Kevin shouldn't be on the board. And his in-laws probably hate him too. Nobody wanted to join the board. The office couldn’t reach anybody. They tried convincing people in person, when they showed to Minyin. People stopped showing to Minyin. To reach people, the office bought a burner phone. Finally, they guilted Penina and Saul to join the board for this coming year. These people will find any way to wear a mask. I saw somebody in their car, by themselves wearing a mask. The Chazin just went off. No idea. Eyes were closed. He was in his own world. I am sure it was beautiful to the Chazin. All I heard was one note. The rabbi did get the choir to come. The choir came and sung Motown. They were an evangelical choir. The Jews are now going to R&B concerts for religious inspiration. Tags:
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Announcements
From now on, only people that read Hebrew can lead Davening. What Frank does is not considered reading. It's considered painful. Our membership is not religious enough to endure that much pain. For more painfulness, everybody is invited to the board meeting on Wednesday. Ukraine is still happening. That gives people something to talk about. We will have a talking group about the war in the Ukraine so that nobody has to bother other people at Kiddish. The Kiddish committee is hoping that this will allow people to enjoy their choolante. The guest speaker will be talking about why shul and Snow White are very similar, and how the dwarfs left Egypt. The shul is hosting an egg drive. Anybody who can afford to purchase eggs should donate money to the shul as well. You are wealthy and selfish. We don't who you stole from, but nobody can afford eggs on a regular salary. This Tu BShvat we will serve dried fruit tea. We will also sing 'Jerusalem of Gold' at the Seder, to fulfill the ritual of singing 'Jerusalem of Gold.' Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... That's not reading Hebrew. That is learning to read Hebrew and we just witnessed the pain one goes through when one learns Hebrew... I cannot express how painful it is to have to be part of that when I am trying to finish Aleyinu and to get home to eat... On behalf of the shul, I ask you all for forgiveness for Frank's slow leading of the Davening. It was longer than Yom Kippur Davening. I thought he was doing Ashamnu... I started hitting my chest... I am sorry for the suffering. That kind of pain should've ended when we left Egypt... Many of the Jews ran out in haste. (Shemot 14:8) Paroh decided to chase them and pursue them 'And the children Israel went out with an upraised arm.' I feel like Frank tried to chase everybody out of shul... The Jews went out fast. They ran. They didn't start exchanging phone numbers and their new addresses with their Egyptian neighbors that used to whip them. You don't want these people following you, knocking on your door, reminiscing the good old times when you were able to break your back for them... If Frank was leading Davening, the Jews would've never made it out of Egypt... Paroh might have let them out earlier. I am not sure... What does Snow White have to do with leaving Egypt? You can't compare everything to Disney... I am sorry I didn't bring Snow White into the Dvar Torah. I know it's not a modern day Dvar Torah if I talk Torah... And it has nothing to do with Ukraine... Slavery is not war. You cannot compare everything to slavery... Having to cook in your kitchen and cook is not slavery. Even if you say 'I am slaving'... Slavery is listening to Frank lead the Amidah. Every second, you are subjugated to pain... Slavery is having to purchase eggs for seven dollars a dozen. Slavery is listening to you talk about how Snow White is the reason you keep the Mitzvah of not driving on Shabbis... Learn Torah. Leaving Egypt is not the same as Ukraine… Why do all guest speakers never get to the point… You have to hear something about a cartoon and then you’re happy... The last time I head them talk Torah... (13:21) They were 'comforted' by a pillar of fire at night and a pillar of cloud during the day. You're comforted by cartoons. If you would've had Saturday morning cartoons in the desert... Comforted means they were shown the way. When you know the way you are not worried. When the Baal Tefillah has no idea how to lead Davening, you are worried. I will be comforted when people in this shul learn how to be Daven and be Jews... I don't think half of the membership can find the shul... Then why do they never show up??? This is why everybody needs therapy and a speech about Snow White. Everybody is lost. Probably can't even figure out how to sing 'Jerusalem of Gold'... There is more to the song than the chorus... Did the Jews leave with eggs? They left with some wealth of the Egyptians. Must've been eggs... We are going to skip the Tu BShvat Seder this year. Frank has caused enough pain. With Frank, the price of eggs, Jews being chased by Egyptians, Ukraine and Snow White... Truly, you can learn everything from Cinderella and how her shoe fits. Rivka’s Rundown I had no idea there was more to 'Jerusalem of Gold' than the Hebrew lyrics 'Yerushalaim Shel Zahav.' It always gets me when these songs have verses too. The rabbi got up and gave his full sermon after the guest speaker spoke. The rabbi couldn’t let the long and painful Davening go. He had to talk about it, as well as how much he can't stand learning Torah from Snow White. The rabbi later went off on the harmony. He was not happy with how off-tune the shul is again. The guest speaker spoke about Snow White. He might have brought the Parsha into it somewhere. I am not sure. I think he brought the Parsha as proof to Snow White. Listening to these young guest speakers, I realize that my Torah education is lacking cartoons. It's my lack of knowledge of animation that has held me back in seminary. The congregants have a way of now giving credence to stuff by comparing it to Egypt. Two years ago they were comparing stuff to the Holocaust. Like, 'It's not fair that the prices on milk went up. It's like the Holocaust.' I have no idea what happened. I think that it's what COVID and the politicians did to people. Studies will come out that it made people crazy. Since the Ukraine war thing happened, now they compare that to our history. 'It's like slavery.' One person said, 'The price of the eggs is way to high. It's like Egypt.' Soon they'll be saying that bread is now expensive like Snow White. Eggs are now very expensive. We've started a charity fund to help people purchase eggs. I can't figure out why they're so expensive. I am guessing the chickens in Topeka got lazy. They talked about Egypt at the Tu BShvat Seder. I guess you can compare everything to Egypt. Even so, it would have made more sense if we didn't have the kids singing the Mah Nishtana. I think the people running the Seder thought it was Pesach. Now we only have two people who can lead services and one doesn’t show up We have lost members because they can't stand hearing themselves pray. We are thinking of bringing a choir to sing Motown just so the members don’t have to hear themselves. It’s painful. I think I'm skipping Kiddish next week. I can't listen to people comparing Snow White, dwarfs and Ukraine to Egypt again. The true lesson is to not watch Disney. An anti-Semite. Do they have cheap eggs in Ukraine? That's something I want to know. I would like a sermon on that. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Bo1/29/2023
Announcements
The Shabbat youth group weekend is happening again next week. Last time was a great success. Five teenagers showed and there were no issues in the shul. We are hoping for fewer teens this time. Shabbis groups for the kids are now starting at 9am, when we start shul. The idea is to not have to see the kids in shul. Please support the day school in their fundraiser. The kid needs it. We have seen what a lack of Jewish education has done to Michael. Class on how gambling is idol worship will take place next Tuesday. The rabbi doesn't support gambling. Yet, he's made it clear that it would be impossible for membership to give less money than they give right now. So, he is not worried about anybody losing money. A class on how to gamble right will follow, so that some of you might pay dues. The bakery is back up and men in the back left section have put on weight. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Support kids month… Sending them to the Jewish day school and paying tuition is not enough. I would like to get a new stereo system for my car… (Shemot 10:1) 'H' tells Moshe, 'Go to Paroh for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants.' Why H' hardened the heart of board, I don't know. They're a Paroh to the shul. Like locusts in the chapel... I've tried leaving, but they tell me I will not get paid... It's with these signs, the plagues, that the people can leave. But Paroh doesn't let everybody leave... The plague of the president and the sisterhood. They are always around. Covering the shul... (10:8) Paroh asks who is going to go with them to serve H.' Paroh doesn't understand that you can never get away from the family. They follow you everywhere. Even worse, the congregants. They follow you everywhere... Paroh is thinking a holiday is celebrated away from the family. That's when you can have a good time. He doesn't understand Jewish life. (10:9) Moshe tells Paroh that everybody is going for it is a Chag. We are all part of this congregation when it comes to celebrating... We have not had a Bar Mitzvah in while... Nobody wants to sponsor a Kiddish.. Not just the annoying people who have a hardened heart… A cheap heart. This congregation has a cheap, won't spend fifteen dollars on a babka heart... The bakery is open. Support them. We've had enough packaged babka. It's time to get the fresh babka back... Even if it costs an extra thirteen dollars... It wasn't a shul picnic. The holidays is when everybody joins. We should leave the family out of the shul BBQs... When everybody goes on that it is very annoying. You can't even get a burger... The shul ski trip is even worse. We lost eight kids on that. You don't take kids with you to lose them... The whole congregation includes the youth. But they go to groups. They went out with us too... They definitely had youth groups. You don't want them around... You can't leave them. Teenagers don't come to shul. They sleep... I don't know if they left Egypt with everybody. I think they tried leaving them behind... They would've been complaining the whole trip... 'It says 'children and elders... women...' It leaves out teenagers. Have you ever tried having a peaceful holiday with teenagers??? There is a reason for youth groups. The best youth weekend we had was when no youth came. Rachel was the happiest I have ever seen as the head of the sisterhood... Shabbis groups for the kids is different... The idea is to take the little ones to shul and to keep them away from the congregation. Drop them off away from the shul, in a room on the other side... They come because it is dangerous to leave them at home alone... The pasuk continues, (Shemot 10:1) H' hardens their hearts so His signs can be seen in their midst... I just hope you can see H's signs in this congregation. Signs of what not to do. How not to treat a rabbi. There is no Kiddish... H' with the board Being scared is worshiping idols. Seeing H' and His signs are worshiping H'... ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight’… I did not come up with that ad. We can celebrate with a good Kiddish finally. The bakery is good for Pareve cakes… No butter. It’s not easy... Yet. You choose to not see H's signs and you harden your own heart. You worship your being bad congregants... You and your hardened hearts. And I still get across the message that you do everything wrong. Manifesting H' even with your teenagers and disappointing Enetenmann's Kiddishes, worshiping packaged cakes... Why did H' have Moshe and Aharon speak to Paroh when his heart was hardened? It would've been easier to talk to Paroh when he was willing to listen. Catch Paroh at a time where he wasn't contrary. But that is how H' is manifest. When we push through hardness... This is why I give sermons to you. I have not met a not hardened heart in this shul. A congregation of hardened hearts. I know H' is in our midst when I see all the angry faces in the women's section... If there were decent baked goods for Kiddish, you wouldn't be so angry. You would have softer hearts. Hearts like a good sponge cake... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi said that if H' gave Paroh the plague of the board and the sisterhood he would've let the Jews go right away. Nobody wants teens in shul. Some of the little kids still come into the shul. They cling to their parents. The only way to get them out of the shul is to give them more candy. They don't have enough candy at Shabbis groups. The youth director is about to quit. She can't stand that the parents throw all their issues on her. She calls the kids 'issues.' If you have candy, these kids will do whatever you want. They’ll jump. They’ll even sit. Lollypops are like kiddie biscuits.She doesn't get it. If she gave the kids more sweets they would relax. The more sugar you give kids the less they run around, and the more they listen. The shul is too focused on kids now. It was decided to make July kids month, so that the parents can be encouraged to send them to camp and we don't have to see them. The fight for kids month went on for a while, as many contended 'their plight must be heard.' Most parents didn't agree with that, as they wanted to get sleep. Some people wanted to cancel kids month altogether, but we couldn't do that. Even if the kids are racist, we can't cancel them. I am just sick of giving money to the kids. What is their plight anyways? More recess. I think we have to take the message from the Parsha and ask why the little kids are here when it's not a holiday? A bunch of idol worshipers came to shul because of the email ad. The ad, ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight,’ did draw people's attention. Yet, it did not have the right message for the non-heathens. The rabbi didn’t say anything about better parenting. He has given up on that. He realizes he’ll get money from the parents before expecting them to be decent people. I get my pastry at the supermarket. It’s a twelfth of the price. I don’t need fresh cake when I am saving up for a decent vacation. And the supermarket babka is much better a week later. It's the kind of freshness that doesn’t go away for a few months. That’s good fresh. The kind of coagulated sugar freshness. I love those cakes. The problem is they're serving the Entenmann's cakes too soon. They need to serve them closer to the expiration date. The Melaveh Malka should’ve had bakery babka though. That would've been nice last week. The bakery babka is more Jewish and a Melaveh Malka is Jewish. That's what the rabbi said. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Va'eira1/22/2023
Announcements
We are going to keep sending a lot of emails to remind you about events that we reminded you about. The emails will be the day of and the week of. And the week of too. There will be three emails the week of every program. We will also send emails for Shabbis. It appears the congregants of our shul forget about that. Note that will be seen in emails: Shabbat is every Friday night and Saturday. Every week. There will be no trip to Israel this year. Instead, we'll be going to Nashville. It’s a tourist spot and Jews like going there. The members want a vacation. To quote Bernie: ‘If I get away from stuff and have to see Jews, that’s not getting away from stuff.’ For this reason, people will go alone on this year's shul trip. You can book through Orbitz or Travelocity and not have to see other members on the shul trip. Melaveh Malka Program will happen after Shabbat, to escort Shabbat out with food. That means there will be a fourth Shabbat meal. Right after Shabbat, you will have to eat more. We will send out emails about the Melaveh Malka, the bakery being open and the Israel trip to Nashville. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils… (Shemot 6:9) 'Moshe spoke this to Bnei Yisrael and they didn't listen to him due to shortness of breath and hard work.' Man. This congregation is lazy... The people didn't listen to Moshe because of shortness of breath. When you're out of shape like Eve... This congregation is just out of shape. The congregants are not suffering from hard labor. Nobody in this shul works... I am talking manual labor. The kind of labor which translates to help in the shul kitchen. Maybe somebody leading in services every once in a while... You don't help. When it came to building the Sukkah… Because you’re always out of breath. You’re out of shape. There is no other explanation for why this congregation is so lazy... Reading an email is not labor, and you don't even do that... That's why we send them all the time. Because you don't read them... You called me a Paroh when I asked you to help build the Sukkah... Not one member volunteered. The Chanukah party was 'serve yourself'... It was buffet because nobody helped. Not one volunteer. The table was not even set up. People had to take their latkes from the oven... It was a catered event. You don’t sell a catered event where the people have to take their own food out of the oven... The youth even had to go in. I saw Tina and Chaim passing oven mitts to each other. Third graders with oven mittens... Nothing to do with the winter, Fran. I now understand why none of you read the announcements or listen to my sermons, or help. This is the most out of shape congregation... Everybody up… No. Exercise is good labor. You get breath from exercise... You have really taken this slavery thing way too far. You can go to the gym... It was 4,000 years ago. You can workout now. They didn't have gyms in Egypt... Too many emails??? You don’t show up. That’s why we send them… Exactly. Even when we tell you the day before, you forget. We have to send it once the program starts… You only show up to stuff late. I know that, because none of you have ever shown up to Davening on time... Kotzer Ruach (shortness of breath) should not be happening when you're walking up for an Aliyah... I am tired of sending of the emails. I have Kotzer Ruach from sending emails. Shabbat is every weekend. It doesn't change... I have to send an email because you people... If you know. Why don't you come?!... If we had the money, we would send a calendar every week. But it's emails... Can't you just hang a calendar in the kitchen that tells you to go to shul every once in a while??? Maybe something that also tells you to go to Israel, because you're Jewish... You go to Israel. How is the shul trip not in Israel? Who took Israel out of the Jewish people? Do I need to send an email to the board to let them know that Israel is the Jewish homeland?!.. Well. When did you get rid of Israel??? I am going to Israel, because I am Jewish... Now we need an email for the Melaveh Malka too?! It's right after Shabbis... I can't send emails on Shabbis. If you knew it was Shabbis, you would know that... You should come for the Melaveh Malka. It’s for your mom’s memory… You didn’t see it? What do you mean you don’t read the emails? It’s up to you to find it in there... You're flying out after Shabbis. How are you going to skip your mother's Melaveh Malka?... Not knowing is not an excuse... A Melaveh Malka happens when you do a Melaveh Malka. That’s the program… You don’t do a Melaveh Malka when you’re welcoming Shabbis… Because the Shabbis queen is being ushered in, not escorted out… Yes. You have to eat after Shabbat too. You have to eat more... And Kiddish was shvach again. No decent baked goods. Do we have to send emails that the bakery is open and you should sponsor a decent Kiddish… No. You don’t sponsor Kiddish. You sponsor a good Kiddish. A Kiddish with decent baked goods. Not Kichel... (Shemot 6:6-8) H' hears our cries and he tells us that He will bring us out, save us, redeem us, and take us from Egypt. Save us from the harsh work.... You are my Egypt. I am praying Gd hears my cries and redeems me from here... This is why I am going to Israel. As H's last aspect of redemption, 'And I will bring you to the land...' And you guys are doing a shul trip to Nashville. I am redeemed... In Israel, people walk. Health. They're not out of breath... Now they’re crying… Kim. Please come back up. They're falling asleep again. I think Max is out of breath form sitting... It's not hard work to sit. You should not be sweating from your seat... Bernie has been tired for years. Sleeping again during the sermon... This congregation is hard work... Help. Please. Just help. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi had us doing calisthenics in the middle of the Sermon. The aerobics instructor of the JCC had people reaching side to side. In the middle of the sermon, we heard 'And side to side. And to the left. And to the right. And back. And side.' She must have said 'and' thirty times. Some members confused the grapevine for Simcha dancing. The rabbi then required all congregants to get blood tests and eight hours of sleep a night, so they would listen to his sermons. He even told people to walk to shul, so they won’t be disgusting. I thought it was a great Kiruv move. The rabbi told people to stop working, so they can be better Jews. His message was to stop working and to start working out. I think they misunderstood him though, as he was talking about not working on Shabbat. Now we're stuck with more congregants not paying their dues, and driving to shul on Shabbis. They forgot about the rabbi's message about walking to shul to not be disgusting. They argued that walking is work. There is now preDavening mandatory weight lifting. The rabbi is now showing up to weekday Shacharit in a singlet. That catered event should've been catered. Thirty dollars to take my own latke out of the oven was a bit much. Emails are out of control. They’re now doing three a days. I think the office manager was a football player. Maybe it's part of the rabbi's new exercise routine. They’re announcing everything. They’re even announcing Shiva times. Now Shiva is a regular service at the place. I am against the rabbi on the emails. And if people don't read the emails, why are they sending them. That's not logic to me. And yes, the shul's emails go straight to my spam. I did it. I support the rabbi and I push everything from his office straight to spam. I even told Gmail that what he sends is spam. I support his sermons and what he does for the community, but online I am against him. Israel was taken out of the shul’s policy. Not part of the focus anymore. The board cancelled the trip. They said that it was more popular to go other places. Using Pesach hotels as an example, the board argued Jews should go to Cancun before going to Israel. The board also made it clear that for the pilgrimage festivals you’re supposed to go to places that have decent prices on hotels. We are going to Morocco this year for Pesach. I don’t know if you can bring sacrifices there. But it's a good deal. Kosher cruises are an anomaly to me. That's something I can't figure out. Why people would try to get away and still have to go to Minyin. When people got back from the shul trip, they were so happy. I think this was the first shul trip people enjoyed. People were ecstatic. It was decided that from now on, for people's enjoyment, shul trips will be without people from the shul. To get away from the congregants some of the members went to Israel with the rabbi. They said they would rather be around Jews than members of our shul. The rabbi agreed, saying, ‘I will go anywhere to get away from members of the board.’ Nobody heard about the Melaveh Malka program in memory of Sue. Her children didn’t know and the president blamed them for not coming. Let me be honest. Nobody reads the emails. They should've called Sue's kids. Truth is you can’t find anything in the announcements. There are fifteen flyers. Sue's was the forest green. Sue’s name was written in forest green on a forest green flyer, in the middle of flyers for junior congregation and a shul trip to get away from shul. Nobody knew what a Melaveh Malka is anyways. Nobody knew about eating after Shabbis. That was a shocker to me too. Most of the members were complaining that it was too much to have to eat three huge meals on Shabbis. They claimed to eat another meal was crazy. They said that if they eat another meal they'll be out of shape. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Shemot1/15/2023
Announcements
We have heard a lot of complaints about the new windows. To be clear, they're stained glass. They're meant to not be able to used. Not being able to see through them is something the board didn't realize would happen when you stain the glass. Not being able to open them was just a mistake. The contractor stated, 'I thought that since you wanted stained glass, you wanted something not practical.' And that is why the youth lounge has pews in it. We found a Tallis. We are assuming somebody lost it, as it is not wearable. It is a Tallis neck-wrap scarf and we're worried somebody is cold. The shul was broken into. They stole money from the office. Nobody should worry. It was not an act of anti-Semitism. It was just crime. So, everybody should feel comfortable coming to shul. The Sisterhood will have its monthly argument on Wednesday. The class is called off, as the rabbi is sick of teaching you... The rabbi's next series will focus on how to find sources and not bother the rabbi. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom my pupils... (Shemot 1:8-10) There’s a ‘new king in Egypt that did know Yosef.’ So, they worry about the Jews becoming greater than them and working with their enemies… The same way the board worries about me working with religious people. A bunch of heretics… (Shemot 1:13) And so they made them build storage cities. ‘And the Egyptians enslaved the Children of Israel with hard work.’ BiFarech. With harshness. Grueling labor. That’s how you work me… Well. Listening to your ideas for shul upgrades and new committees is gruelingly painful… The stained glass window subcommittee... Why did you even have that?! No. You don't get stained glass. Every time I listen to your ideas, it's building a storage city... That's how painful you are... Ever had a boss you hated?! A Mitzri!!! All because Paroh didn’t know Yosef. If he would’ve known Yosef, he would’ve known of commitment. If he would’ve gotten to know our congregants, Paroh would’ve known of how people weasel out of meetings and paying dues… You haven’t donated a thing for… I see not one plaque... Yosef was a decent guy. To know Yosef is to love him... I'm telling you. If you knew Yosef, you would never give him work. When things are harsh, you can’t think of anything else… You’re a slave… I’m a slave to the messed up stained glass windows… Is that a blue bird?! It’s a shul. You do a dove. For crying out loud. A dove… You enslave with harsh work. This job is slave labor... You’re slaves to this guy breaking in… Maybe it’s a woman. There has been enough female chauvinism going on here… You have nothing. Have Bitachon that nobody will steal your stuff… You have nothing of value… No. You lost your Tallis. That wasn’t stolen... Nobody is going to steal a scarf with tassels on it. Other than your Tallis, what are they stealing?... They don’t know what Tefillin are. How are they going to sell that on the black market. It was not somebody who hated Jews. The burglar might have been one of our very own... Not paying dues is the same as stealing. Somebody is not cleaning up... It was lost by your seat, Shlomo. Tallises don’t run. Stop saying your Tallis was stolen... You're wearing it. You misplaced it and blamed the burglar for stealing your Tallis. That's just wrong... You didn’t even tie it right… The string is all wrapped wrong... It’s in the shape of a scarf. Do you wear it under your coat in the winter? He then commanded them to kill all the newborn Jewish males. Is that what the congregants are planning to do to me... If you don’t know, you worry. What I am trying to say is learn a little Torah... If you learn, you'll know something and you won't start killing babies... If you can’t see... They are not windows. You can't see through them… Yes. I worry that this shul is more and more messed up. Can’t see. If you can’t see through the window, it’s not a window. It’s a wall… Maybe a door. You could’ve put up a canvas. It’s just as much of a window as the stained glass… You painted it opaque. If they were to take a second out and to get to know them. They wouldn’t have been worried. They would see how good they were. They would've seen the commitment. The giving nature… If you would’ve thought for a second, you wouldn’t have got the stained glass… You would’ve gotten windows that work as windows. You would have not lost your Tallis… Well. You don’t know your Tallis well? Do you? You couldn’t even spot it in the lost and found… There was no other Tallis there. We put all the other Tallises on the rack. If he knew us, he wouldn’t have broken into the shul. He would’ve asked us kindly for our money, and we would give it. There’s a new president in the shul who doesn’t know me… Then he’s just an idiot… Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi has a right to be paranoid. They didn’t given him a raise last year. The rabbi’s point about the windows not being windows is extremely valid. A lot of debate as to whether the stained glass windows are really windows. The board looked it up, and the Gemara doesn't deal with this topic. It turns out the shul’s lost and found is half full of Michael’s toys. His parents don’t teach him to clean up. The other half is Talli scarves. Some guys in our shul do the French Tallis wrap around the neck. One guy bought his Tallis to keep warm in the winter. Which is why I always suggest the big shawls. A lot of break-ins in the area, and we can't get a Minyin. The rabbi was thinking about trying to ask the burglar to join as a tenth. People are truly not worried. Since the guy didn’t write ‘Jews’ anywhere, everybody was relieved. As long as it’s just a crime against people, everybody is happy coming to shul Shabbis morning. Breaking into cars was wrong. He could’ve just as easily found the keys in the shul over Shabbis. All the men leave their keys there. If he wanted to know, even I can tell him to look behind the books on the fourth shelf. All the keys are there. Behind the books on the modern State of Israel. I like how the rabbi called half the congregation thieves for not paying dues. The congregants don't help with anything the shul needs. The rabbi can't get them to come for Davening. Now, anytime somebody comes to shul for a Minyin, the rabbi considers it a break-in. The shul is full of liberal congregants. Without knowing the rabbi's concerns of getting a quorum, they suggested we invite the burglar to Minyin, so they can give him money. The rabbi and congregants finally agree on something. The rabbi wants a Minyin, and the liberal congregants want to consider the burglar a Jew. It works for everybody. The liberal congregants also want to show the burglar where the Torah is kept. As I have learned, the rabbi has never been sick. Over the course of his tenure, he has been sick of the congregants. Never had a fever. Just a lot of annoyance. And as the rabbi said, 'There is not one Yosef in this congregation... If Paroh would've gotten to know this congregation, he wouldn't have wasted his time. He would've seen how impossible it is to get anybody to lift a finger and help... He would’ve been happy letting you be. Not having to answer your questions…' Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYechi1/8/2023
Announcements
There are many new volunteer opportunities. There's always volunteer opportunities in our shul. The board is always willing to let people do work and not pay them. That is a direct quote of our rabbi who does not get paid enough. 'Does not get paid enough' is also a direct quote. Shlomo wasn't invited to the shul dinner. He is angry, as his brother is being honored. He felt he should know about his family being honored, and nobody told him. He is angry and he is enjoying it. Be prepared. If you have a conversation with Shlomo, he's going to complain about the committee and blame the shul for him not being at his brother's affair. Shul dinner will take place next week. Now Shlomo knows, if he would like to cancel his business trip. Don't miss out on the evening to not miss. The dinner only costs two hundred seventy five dollars a plate. And you get schnitzel. The rabbi will keep giving long sermons, cause you people are annoying. The Acts of Kindness of the Week: Rabbi said there were none, as the people in our shul are not kind, and he wants a raise. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Children... On his deathbed, Yakove says to Yosef, (Bereishit 47:29) ‘And do with me kindness and truth- please don’t bury me in Egypt.’ Don’t bury me in Topeka. Please. I beg. I do not want to see congregants after I am dead. I see what people do to the rebbes... My grave is going to have a footstone reading ‘at rest,’ so you don’t bother me with questions and requests... They don't sell deathbeds. It's not a type of bed. Nobody would buy deathbeds. You can't market a bed that brings death... Even if family thought it was a very comfortable bed, no sick person would want to hear that their family bought them the deathbed... Even if it has cotton from Giza. Chesed and Emet. Kindness and Truth. Rashi explains that ‘kindness done for those who have died is kindness of truth, as one is not looking for payment of remuneration.’ My job is kindness of truth. The amount I get paid… An act of kindness would be to pay me as your rabbi, and not bother me with questions all the time… You do kindness to be kind. Do I have to explain this.... Not for a name. Every act any member has ever done has been to get something. Why do you think we have a plaque on the ark. It reads ‘The Simkawitz Family’… It should read ‘Gd.’ Donated by Gd. The Torah was donated by the Holy One... You all want. You do stuff to be popular… You don’t play baseball because you’re not good at it... You volunteer, you want to get paid… That’s not volunteering. If you get paid, it’s not volunteering... Even if other people wanted you to do it. If they pay you. The difference between volunteering and working is payment... I will not pay you to come to Minyin. You gave Tzedakah. You want a plaque. Your acts of kindness are pathetic… But if they don’t know. Exactly. You visit the sick, it doesn’t need a community wide announcement in the newspaper… Or the bulletin… What are these announcements of people being useful… Let’s clap for them. We will take a moment now to applaud everybody in the shul who has ever helped, so they finally can get the credit they deserve... I'm done. None of you do true kindness. You all want something... Shlomo has a right to be mad… The board is messed up… Chesed would be telling Shlomo his family is being honored… An email is not enough. Have you seen your emails??? They have eighty announcements... If you had one announcement a week that people cared about... Yes. That would also be Chesed... Why don't you volunteer to make less announcements and let people Know what is important, like when their family is being honored... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi got rid of the acts of kindness weekly announcement, as people were just doing the kindness for the reputation. One congregant picked up an old person’s bags at the supermarket and took a selfie. Posted the selfie and wrote, ‘I am helping,’ and everybody liked it. Why did we have an Acts of Kindness announcement? The board felt it would encourage people to help. They heard it works for third graders. The thing that bothered me the most was the acts of kindness song. 'You're all good. You're all kind. Will you be mine.' The deathbed conversation continued, and Pinker's Mattresses started selling The Deathbed. It was marketed as, 'This bed is so comfortable, you'll never want to get out of it.' A good half hour discussion was had in the middle of the sermon as to what constitutes volunteering. The rabbi made it clear that anything Bernie does is not volunteering. The rabbi said that whatever Bernie does is annoying and it gets in the way. Many congregants argued that getting in the way is volunteering. And many congregants started volunteering to get in the way. Now, there are thirty Kiddish volunteers, and they all get in the way. To note, Bernie was in the acts of kindness song. The emails are too much. Shlomo is right. You have to confirm the person saw it. Shlomo is loving it. He’s milking it. It is a very rare occurrence that somebody has the right to complain and is totally correct. He brings it up everywhere. We were at the kid’s indoor soccer game and he started going off on how he knew about it because the coach called him, unlike the shul. He also said he will be donating money to the coach, and he’ll start Davening at soccer games. Shlomo will be using this complaint for the next couple of years. And he will probably use it to get out of paying his dues. Tags:
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Announcements
New Year's Eve the shul will have Minyin. Leftover latke party is going to happen on New Year's. We need to find a way to get rid of the latkes. The leftover latkes are due to the horrific latkes served at the shul's Chanukah party. We're going to fry them again, to hopefully hide the original taste of the Lefkowitz family recipe. Another haircut is taking place this week. You must attend the three year old's haircut party. Upshering. Yes. That’s a celebration now too. Got to get them a gift for that haircut as well... Clips are good for long hair. Clips also work for Kippahs. Anim Zemirot dads are asked to stay away from the Bima, or they will be ejected from shul. If you want to be involved in Anim Zemirot, teach your kids at home. The only two families who paid full tuition for their children's Jewish education have realized they've been scammed. It turns out, they too don't want to pay full tuition now, because they have the money. The school fundraiser will take place again this month. The goal is for nobody to have to pay full tuition. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants... Thank Gd people don’t read the announcements and people showed up today. First time people show up... Nobody expected anybody in the cold. But you were going sledding anyways... I worry about your Yiddishkeit. Your connection to Gd. Your going to Gehenim... Yehuda is worried about Binyamin getting in trouble. Yakov didn't want him to take Binyamin because he was worried something bad will happen. Kind of like every time the board makes a decision... (Bereisit 44:29) ‘If you take this one too from me, and tragedy happens to him, you will bring my years down to the grave in misery'... Yakov wasn't working for Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He did not have Bernie as a congregant, or Sadie getting mad at him for not hitting thirty minutes on his sermon last week. He didn't have a president who doesn't know what an Upshering is. Yet. He is worried about Binyamin. And he has deep hurt deep inside of him... Congregants can bring you down to the grave in misery... Yakov wanted a good ending. He knew his years were coming to an end, and he was comforted by knowing a piece of his Rachel was still around... Our president gets rid of every piece of tradition we ever had... Then where is the huge craps Dreidel for Chanukah... I know that kids sitting next to the number has a casino feeling. That's what we want. People like going to the casinos... In this case. The casino Dreidel brings families together... Binyamin was goodness to him. It's what he represented. He didn't represent the messed up traditions and board of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Rashi teaches ‘Now, when he is near me, I comfort myself regarding his mother and Yosef (who are gone), and if he dies it will be as if the three of them died on one day.’ Yes. Menachem. It is a lot. A lot rides on you. I see the back left of the men's section, and I see the board, I see the messed up Upshering hairdo, I see the latkes from the latke party, and I see Bernie, and I see the death of our shul... You could've gotten a barber to do the Upshering... There's no Mitzvah to give your kid a Number 2... Number 2 on the shaver teeth is not a style... Let’s talk about Nachis for a second, and how you let your parents down… Binyamin brings Yaakov Nachis. The next generation is a comfort... Well it should be. I know your kids let you down Fran. I see them every Shabbis. A great letdown. When you see how they mess up, grandparents are not comforted. Still in their snow-boots... Well, take off the snow-boots. You're not sledding in shul... New Year’s is coming up. What can you do... Well. You didn't do Teshuva on Rosh Hashana. Maybe now is the time. When the big apple drops. Did you even dip your apple in the honey on Rosh Hashana... Nachis. There is no Nachis in an Upshering... We can’t celebrate everything. It’s a haircut. You’re not getting gifts from me. People are going broke on gifts… It’s your fault you had the party right after Chaukah. Yaakov took pride, but he wasn’t annoying about it. You up there for Anim Zemirot. We don't even hear your kids... We hear you. You get involved in Anim Zemirot like your child is an athlete… They’re leading services. You stand there. Let the Gabai do his job. He’ll make sure your child finishes it fast… Nobody wants to hear your kid singing… Yes. Even Adon Olam. Everybody wants the fast tune... You want to comfort me? How about you pay tuition for your kids. Maybe pay shul dues... How do we find comfort? I don't know. I am the rabbi of this congregation. I am still trying to figure out how to find Nachis... Why is it called Nachis? Finally a good question. It's called Nachis, because your progeny is supposed to bring you comfort... For you messing up. Why do you think Tzimi takes his kids' Anim Zemirot so seriously?! He did a bad job when he was younger. So, he needs the Nachis... No. Let the Gabai be there. You're messing up your kids too. You want your kids ending up like the brothers? Then, don’t pay Jewish day school tuition... You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school... We have a new fundraiser every month, so that parents don't pay. The rest of the community pays for their day school education... No. Parents don't get Nachis from their kids. They want to save on their education... No comfort here. You have brought me down in misery… This is why people drink on New Year’s. None of you are a Binyamin. Not one Binyamin in the shul. Just Bens... Any resolutions?... I am going to try to avoid the board this year... Rivka’s Rundown Best fundraiser ever. 'You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school.' Tons of money was raised. As long as it's not called tuition, people will give. Two families fell for it last year. They paid the full tuition. They thought full tuition meant they should pay full tuition. For some reason, they’re mad their wealthier friends don’t pay it. From our Sages: How do you become wealthy in the Jewish community? You don't pay Jewish day school tuition. Anim Zemirot dads are bad. What’s worse is Anim Zemirot moms. They’re yelling, coming in so loud from the women’s section. I heard one mom throw her hands up and yell out, ‘Come on Gabai!’ When the rabbi said 'everybody wants the fast tunes,' people got up and started cheering. That's the first time people cheered in the shul. It started with emotional applause, even though your not supposed to do that on Shabbis (yet, they were already sledding). Then people started standing up and cheering for the rabbi. We're not going to discuss the ark opening dads. They get violent. One dad threw another kid aside so his kid could pull the curtain string. The Upshering hairdo was messed up. If the dad cared about his kids, he would focus on a better haircut, and not Anim Zemirot. We’re celebrating everything. Everything is a party in our shul now, and you have to buy gifts for everything. We had eighteen parties for one engagement. A vort, Lechaim, Shabbat Chatan, Shabbat Kallah, Ufroof, the in-laws had it all, the friends had to have it too. Then, everything has to be celebrated by the other side. Also had the shower. Then they wanted to know why nobody wanted to buy them wedding gifts. I stopped buying gifts for people, and it’s helped my finances a lot. I get invited to less parties now, and I am a much happier member of the community. The less people like me, the more I like coming to shul. The huge Dreidel for the Chanukah spin game, and the kids standing next to the letter they are picking is an amazing gambling concept. One night where congregants don't go to the casino. And they didn't do it this year. In response, the casino served Sufganiot. And the New Year's party was not much of a celebration. The latkes killed that party too. Tags:
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Kids are mad about their gifts again this year. One kid threw his Rubik's Cube and yelled, 'Are we living in the 1980s?!!!' He then went on, 'They didn't buy me a computer for Chanukah because my parents don't love me.' Falafel latkes was a disappointment to all. They tasted exactly like falafel. And they looked like falafel. Now, the community has no idea what to do for the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration this year. It's snowing and windy. We'll see you in shul next week. Shabbis candle lighting times are after Chanukah candle lighting times, whenever that is. Sisterhood meeting will take place at the Sokolich residence. This way Mrs. Sokolich can air her grievances about the flower arrangements and the new head of the sisterhood who she doesn't like. She will also serve tea and coffee to let you know how coffee at Kiddish should taste. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils… If you cared, you'd figure out the Chanukah lighting times... The times are important. But you forgot them... Paroh had a bad dream… I had a bad dream. Killed me. Woke me up. I dreamt I was still working at Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah in seven years… I had a second bad dream too. I dreamt Bernie didn’t move down to Florida, and he was still here in seven years. The Gabai explained my dreams to me. He said it will be seven bad years with annoying congregants and a president you can’t stand… No good years. Just seven bad years. A president who forgets stuff. You forget everything decent... Like Shabbis times and when Minyin is. And when to light Chanukah candles. And whose kid is getting Bar Mitzvahed... You make the wrong announcements. Paroh can’t get anybody to explain his dreams. At least I have the Gabai. And even he can’t explain the president or Bernie to me… It's Paroh. I wanted to reiterate that for the president, so he remembers who had the dreams when he gives announcements... All the sudden, the Head of Drinks comes and tells Paroh, (Bereishit 41:9-13) ‘My sin, I remember today… me and the Chamberlain of the Bakers… there was a Hebrew youth with us, a slave of the Head of the Butchers, and we told him, and he interpreted our dreams…’ You guys can't even remember your sins... Well let me help you. Not showing to shul. Not visiting the sick. Throwing your parents in nursing homes and never visiting. Do you keep Kosher?... That's another one. Lashon Hara. You all talk bad about everybody... I rebuke you in the sermons. It's to your face. Not educating your kids correctly. Karban Pesach... All the sudden, he remembers Yosef. You didn't remember my raise. There was no all the sudden with that... The Head of Drinks forgot. Kind of like the time the president forgot to tell me. ‘Ooops. We announced Shabbis for 5:30 instead of 4:30…’ Yes. That’s a big deal. People are starting Shabbis on Shabbis... An Am HaAretz. I don't know why we print the announcements anyways... Just read them. Stop being creative and people will know when to light candles. Am HaAretz... His sin Why does he say ‘My sin’? What’s his sin? He forgot the good Yosef did for him. You don’t forget the good people do for you. Unless if you’re one of my congregants... It's a sin to forget the good people do for you. HaKarat HaTov. Recognize the good... You can't recognize the good if you forget it all the time... It's easy to remember the bad. Just look at Bernie... If Head of Drinks was in this shul, he would've forgotten the lighting times. You guys light your Chanukah candles at the weirdest hours... I know, because I have to sit in meetings with you people. And the meetings go on. And they go on. You guys don't stop. You talk about nothing... Your definitely not talking about Chanukah lighting times. You forgot to turn on the heating in the sanctuary today… Yes. It’s a sin. When you forget, people freeze. Yosef suffered because the Drink guy forgot... You forgot to filter the coffee. You killed Kiddish. Nobody likes the coffee. Mrs. Sokolich is right… If the Head of the Drinks had made coffee like that, Paroh would’ve killed him too… Yes. The Chamberlain of the Cupbearers. What? Are we living in 15th century England?! Head of Drinks... If he forgot to add creamer like the new head of the sisterhood, Paroh would've killed him... I had a nightmare that I would eat falafel instead of latkes, and it came true... H' interpreted it for me. The dream meant I would have to attend a really not good Chanukah party... Yes. I remembered to show up to the shul's Chanukah party, because I care. Most parents don't care. If you cared about your kid, you would've gotten him something other than a Rubik's Cube... Yes. That shows you don't love him... It's good not many people are here today... They didn't forget. They just don't want to come to shul... It's not COVID. You can't use COVID as an excuse anymore... Rivka’s Rundown A lot of forgetting in our congregation. I think the rabbi has to give the same message each week, because people forget they're wrong. The rabbi went through everybody's sins. He even brought up Chanan being single and how that's a sin. The single girls in the congregation started crying in the middle of the sermon. They thought they just felt bad about not having kids. They now heard they're sinning too. I think the rabbi is going to reuse this sermon for the Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeal. He saw people crying and he likes to exude tears with those sermons. Three years back, his Yizkur Appeal was about how singles are losers. They cried then too. The rabbi wasn't talking to many people. They didn't show up because of the snow. It's amazing how Sakanat Nifashot, danger to life, because the most important law when it comes to going to shul. None of the congregants have ever been worried about their life at the supermarket. It's cold in shul. Most people wouldn't know that as they don't show up. They're still using COVID to get out of coming to shul during the summer months. During the winter it's nippy. Kiddish coffee has not been good. I think they're serving decaf now. Parents are starting to buy more stuff for their kids. They find it easier to not have to talk to them and to express their love with gifts. One parent gave their kid a gift certificate tot he Dollar Tree and said, 'That's eighteen gifts... That's how much I love you. None of your friends got eighteen gifts.' One of the kids friends got a gaming laptop. To which the mom told their kid, 'But that's only one.' Like fools, they lit at the end of the Chanukah party. Even at the Chanukah party they couldn't get the lighting right. You light when people come. A board member said it was too dangerous to light around people, as there are kids. And so nobody saw it. And because the members forgot how to do a Mitzvah, the only miracle of Chanukah the community saw was the bouncy house. Tags:
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The wind is picking up outside. We suggest men wear winter hats to keep the Kippah down. It's very hard to attain a successful Kippah clampdown with your hand, and to keep warm at the same time. The Shabbat compost bin is the trash can. That means you throw your trash in the compost, unless if it is trash. If it's real trash, you throw it in the trashcan. Your trash will be put in the earth. Our shul supports littering. Our children are very good at it. They're very good at throwing their candy on the floor. They compost the wrappers. Community Chanukah party will take place on Tuesday night. This way less people will show up and there will be less secret Maccabees. The Latke and Hamentashen debate will not take place this year, as nobody cares to hear people arguing over which is better. It all depends on who makes them. And we all know that if Mrs. Friedberg is making the latkes, they will not taste good. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Root of all evil. Jealousy… It’s also the Gabai. I understand. But it’s jealousy and the president… Well, you kill the shul. Yosef tells his brothers about the dreams. He would've told the board that he dreamt that the maintenance of the shul was done... The ballroom is in shambles. It will never get done. With the board at the helm. You can't dream of any committee in this congregation doing anything… (Bereishit 36:11) ‘And his brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter.’ None of them got good sleep… They didn’t have a decent coat. Everybody wanted a decent coat… Not for the colors. But for the extra padding in the cold. It gets cold in the desert at night. One brother gets a decent coat, you get jealous... You get good sleep and you can dream. The brothers were freezing, tossing and turning... Yakov knew that jealousy was worse than hatred. It wasn’t the hatred that threw Yosef in the pit. It was the jealousy. Which is why I always stay away from pits, and the Bima when the president is getting an Aliyah... I know I’m a good rabbi. I dreamt the other day that the shul had no board. And the Gabai listened to me… I also dreamt we had 11 men for a Minyin. That didn’t happen… 11, so that if one of you goes to the bathroom. You’re always going to the bathroom. You spend half of the services in the bathroom... The hallway, then. More harm takes place with jealousy... Nobody is jealous of your Kippah. It’s tiny. Whoever knitted it caused harm... Harm to our people. If it was bigger, you wouldn’t have to do a Kippah clampdown all the time. You will never be an athlete with a Kippah like that. You can't swing a bat and have one hand on your Kippah... You play without a Kippah. Then you're just a heretic... Jews wear Jewish clothes... Jewish clothes include the neon Kippot in our Kippah bin. Otherwise, the Kippah is flying all over... I know you all come to shul with your own Kippahs. We have the huge fluorescent yarmulkes as a message. To let you know you're Kippahs are way too small... Some of you bend for the Amidah and your Kippah flies off. I saw Shmuel's tiny Kippah fall into the Siddur. It was so flat and tiny, he couldn't find it between the pages... Jealousy. They threw him in the pit... You throw your trash in compost… Yosef was not compost… Exactly. Recycling is trash. Composting is trash too. We just put the trash back in the earth… Exactly. We don’t throw trash in the garbage. We litter. VeYeshev. Return it... I don't know what to do with that tiny Kippah. Maybe compost... No. Your kids throwing candy on the floor is a problem. Just like throwing your brother in a pit… Lessons we learn from fighting brothers... If they throw candy in the trash and not on the floor, there will be less jealousy. The kids hate having to throw things in the bin… No. You don’t put the wrapper trash in the compost trash. You put wrapper trash in the trash trash… They should throw your gifts on the ground... Bad gifts... Secret Maccabee?... I can care less if a Maccabee is offended. The fact that you found a way to make Maccabee sound like a Christian thing you do at your office.... In compost. Mrs. Friedberg’s latkes go in compost. Then they go in a pit... That's what you do with things you're trying to get rid of... Brothers should not be thrown in a pit. Those are the worst latkes I’ve ever tasted... Rivka’s Rundown I think the rabbi writes the announcements. I didn’t know our rabbi was an environmentalist. He purchased a new Road Ranger. Twelve seater. He has a coupe, but he refuses to drive it. He only drives the twelve seater. I think he just needed to let the congregants know they are wrong. He was against the compost bin when it started. He thought it was another recycle bin, and that is a waste. That never gets taken out of the shul. It’s just a pile of two liter bottles. With this new compost thing that started a year and a half ago, I still have no idea where to put my trash. It's very confusing. I think the rabbi was suggesting to compost the Chanukah gifts. And the Friedbergs can't cook. It's not Lashon Hara at this point. Everybody knows it. I believe it's Sakanat Nifashot to not warn people. It definitely will kill an Oneg Shabbis, or any Chag, for somebody. The shul hosted a Dreidel Gambling Debate. That turned into Solomon trying to get his money back from Phil from their poker night. The rabbi said poker nights are Asur (Forbidden). Since that talk the shul has split up into little poker groups that take place one Wednesdays. The board insisted they host all poker nights in the shul. The rabbi is pushing the shul’s huge neon Kippahs as the new style. He realizes that most of our older male members do not have a lot of hair and clips don't work. We are a poorly haired congregation. The clips don't work on Shmuel's tiny Kippah either. I think the clips are bigger than his Kippah. The women’s section is excellently wigged. That's why the rabbi doesn't address the women's head-coverings in the winter. The average back of the head of a woman in our shul juts out a good foot and a half. We had a Jewish clothing fair as part of the Chanukah party. They sold a lot of black hats and button down shirts. The skirts were too long for the toddlers. Many people wanted multi-colored coats. The rabbi insisted that coats with many colors aren't Jewish. It seems like brothers are always fighting in Bereishit. Birthrights and soup cause a lot of family quarrels. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYishlach12/10/2022
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Last week's community Thanksgiving meal after Thanksgiving was well attended. It was an excellent brisket meal. We want to thank our sisterhood for ensuring American Jewish tradition was celebrated with a brisket and corned beef. We are happy the sisterhood insisted on not making turkey, and fighting the heathens on the shul's board. We want to acknowledge all the people who have truly been paying attention to the rabbi's neck stick out and look around method. It has truly added to the singing in shul. If you are not aware, when the rabbi lifts his neck and looks around, the congregation is supposed to join. The rabbi insists on chanting. Chanting classes will take place on Tuesdays, when you're back to your weekly sinning routines. Words in chant form should help with Teshuva, repentance, as well. We translated Teshuva, as many of you who are always sinning and harmonizing in shul probably don't know what it is. Parents are encouraged to ask their kids to help around the house, so we don't have to deal with annoying selfish little people who leave wrappers on the floor. Please encourage your children to not learn from their parents. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... When you go up against an enemy, you prepare with prayer, gift and war. Every time I go to a board meeting… Yes. That’s why I bring sweets… I would bring sheep and oxen, and send my kids in first, but my wife won’t let me… Yakov didn’t discuss this sending the kids first with his wives… He made a decision like a man, and told everybody to first meet their uncle, his enemy… If he goes first, his brother kills him. The same reason I always show up late to the meetings... It’s a lesson for life. You do what your parents tell you. You run errands for them. You don't throw trash on the floor... Your parents educate you wrong Chaim. Don't be like your parents... And you too Kayla. Don't be like them. I know them... The crazy thing is his brother is considered his enemy here... We're trying to stop Mordy and Micky… I know they’re twins, but they have to stop fighting in junior congregation. Hair is getting pulled. Kids are scared to take candy now, as they saw what Mordy did to Micky… It was over a Jolly Ranchers. Not a very jolly rancher... The kosher Jolly Ranchers… Bazookas are just dangerous. Kids try to get more flavor out of those… I know it’s impossible after the first twelve seconds… That’s why they swallow them, trying to get more flavor… You don’t prepare for war with Bazooka. Three chews of taste is not a gift. It's a tease... Bazooka starts wars... I don't know why they named them that. I think their parents were hoping they could get roles in a Disney movie… You listen. Yakov had a good plan and they listened... Well the Fergmans don't have good plans. I saw the house... First the peace offering gifts of appeasement and then the splitting the camp up. They did what Yakov asked. It’s not that hard… They didn’t make random decisions to mess up the community, like the board. You cook a decent brisket for Thanksgiving… Thank you to the sisterhood for listening to me… On Thanksgiving we were able to celebrate America and what it has given the Jewish community. Brisket… Just follow my lead. When I raise my neck and look out over the congregation, you join in the chant… It’s not a song. It’s a chant. It’s more meaningful than a song... And his kids helped around the house. You clean the floor of the shul when you drop stuff all over it. Mordy... Yes. I am scared of Mordy, but I will not let him run all over our shul... They don't clean. They learn from you... You don't even put your plate in the compost bin on Shabbat. Composting is the only excuse for littering... You don't compost taffy. No. We don't put the color florescent pink back into the earth... If your kids were throwing asparagus on the floor, that would be fine. Compost... So, we understand listening to our leader, me, and splitting up the camp... But you share the bad stuff. If you want to make peace, you never share the good stuff. People like it when you have it bad. You guys have it too good. That’s the problem in this shul. That's why everybody fights... Part of the gifts is appeasement. (Bereishit 32:5) He told the messengers to let Esav know that ‘I lived with Lavan and I lingered until now.’ A lot of lingering in the shul… You guys never walk into Minyin. You hang in the halls. Just lingering… You linger with Lavan. You don't linger in the halls. The fights in shul are caused because you miss your Aliyahs, lingering in the halls. Lingering with Lavan makes peace... He lived with Lavan. It’s a curse. Whenever I see somebody who doesn’t like me, I tell them I’m still the rabbi here, and they start to like me a bit. They feel bad for me. They take pity… Rashi teaches, 'With Lavan I lived and I kept the 613 mitzvot.' Garti (I lived) and Taryag (613) are spelled with the same letters in Hebrew… Acronyms prove stuff... According to this, he is letting Esav know that he didn't give up, like Michael who left in the middle of his Bar Mitzvah. During Revi'i he just said, 'I can't do this. People correcting me. I'm out.' And he left right in the middle of the Aliyah... There is no redeeming factor in that. Esav would still hate you... This is about peace between brothers. If Micky would just let Mordy know the Jolly Rancher was licked and he found it on the floor… If he gave his brother Jelly Bellys and then told him how bad he had it… And even with the Jolly Rancher on the floor, he still went to junior congregation... We learn life lessons from how Yakov prepares. And prayer is right in there. You also prepare with prayer. I pray you are less annoying. I do that every day... Rivka’s Rundown That was a smart move on Yakov’s behalf. You don’t go first, otherwise you might get hurt. The rabbi made it clear that he was appeasing. He knew that his brother seeing him right away would cause a war. If the Gabai knew this, he would have other people giving out Aliyahs and show up later. The rabbi is very correct about Bazooka. You don’t give those as a gift. The other person will think it’s a practical joke. Like you gave them a candy that has no flavor. They’ll start chewing and then they’ll hate you and start a war. They truly are taking the rabbi’s neck cue much better now. When he looks up and around, they join. They were starting to get it on Yom Kippur with the BRosh Hashana Nigun. But it took time. The rabbi also developed his neck skills. You can now see it with the Avinu SheBashamim prayer. It is working much better than the hands up and out method of participation calling. Some people thought the rabbi was trying to split the shul with that. The rabbi is against singing, possibly because of the messed up harmony. It’s in the bylaws now. He has put in a new bylaw that all communal singing must be in chant form. The chants are definitely more meaningful. There's a good solemness to the chants. The rabbi milks having to deal with the president, Bernie, and Ethel. He feels it draws pity for him. He uses it every time he asks for a raise. I hope the kids got the message from the rabbi and will start helping around the house. The kids are leaving crumbs everywhere. They don’t pick up after themselves. Can you imagine if Esav saw that kind of behavior?! The flocks would’ve meant nothing. Fran got into with one of the little kids who gave her attitude when she suggested he pick up his candy and the wrapper. It was a real scuffle. I believe the whole congregation was happy Fran won. She body slammed him. I think it was Mordy. She can still take down the little ones at 92. Instead of parent child learning, the rabbi hosted parent child cleanup. He taught them what’s it like to be a prisoner, who has committed a misdemeanor. You litter on the highway, you clean it. You throw candy on the floor in shul, you clean it. He said it was a Torah lesson. Truth is sometimes Mordy and Micky fight over the half eaten lollypops on the floor. That's a form of compost as well. The congregation doesn't keep the Mitzvot. Even when they're lingering and have time, they do noting positive. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYeitzei12/4/2022
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We are celebrating the Pinkowitz birth this week. We are very happy for their cousins. We hope their kids someday bring them Nachis too. For now, we will enjoy the Kiddish in honor of the birth of their new cousin, living in Leeds. A big Mazel Tov on Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. We are all very proud of you, even though your parents didn't invite most of the congregation to the Bat Mitzvah. Please know that if we were invited to the dinner you would get gifts from us. The shul's electric bill has quadrupled. We know nobody will step forward and donate money to help with it. We just wanted to let you know. The water bill is through the roof too. Literally. There's a hole in the roof. We're letting you know that we won't depend on you. The shul’s food pantry is on the side of the shul. Stop leaving cans you don't want at the shul entrance. Also, nonKosher food should not be in the kosher food pantry. It's kosher. We know the Feldbergs are heretics. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom... Wake up. It’s sermon time… Bernie is sleeping again… This is a place of Gd. When Yakov realized he was in a place of Gd, he woke up... Yakov took the stone he slept on and made a monument there, and poured oil on it. Pouring oil on the Aron was a bad idea. The ark is holy. We don’t need to pour oil on it… You stained the curtains. Last time we did anything with oil half the shul burned down. I'm thinking we shouldn't have latkes this Chanukah... (Bereishit 28:13-15) Yakov is sleeping and dreams of the ladder. And H’ is standing over him and He tells him about his offspring ending up in Topeka. And H' says, ‘I will be with you and I will guard you on your journey, and I will bring you back to the land.’ That is how I ended up here... If I didn't believe Gd was with me, I would not be with Bernie, the Pinkowitzs and the board... Gd is not in Topeka. I can't imagine there is any similarity with our shul and Yakov other than people sleeping in the board meetings. They're boring... Bernie sleeping during the sermon is just Chutzpah... H’ tells him his offspring will be like the dust of the earth and spread all over world… ‘uFaratzta’ is a great song. Love it. Timeless… There's no better song. You can't tell me it's not one of the top five Jewish songs of all time. Right there with 'Minyin Man'... UFaratzta uFaratzta uFaratzta... Sforno teaches that we will be degraded like the dust of the earth and experience degradation all over the world… After that we will be redeemed. I hope that after I serve this congregation I will be redeemed... You can’t be redeemed from good stuff. You can be redeemed from having to deal with Bernie and a board that doesn't fix up the shul... Nobody is going to be sleeping if we can’t pay the electric bill… It’s cold. He slept on a stone. Stop complaining about the chairs… I know the springs are coming through. It’s not stopping Bernie from sleeping. Will you wake him up. This is a place of H’… It should be a place of Gd, but we have a board… When Gd is there, you can do anything. You know He will bring you back. When you are part of the Oneness of the Olam, you can deal with stuff… You can deal with not getting any nachis from your kids, like the Pinkowitzs. Very religious…. I don't know if we can be comforted by the members. We started the pantry because you left all of your kitchen garbage at the shul. Not comforting... When I say you can do anything when Gd is with you, that means having strength and comfort in your journeys. That does not mean leaving garbage at the shul. That does not mean not sharing the armrest... It does not mean leaving nonKosher in the Kosher food pantry... I know the pantry is for nonJewish people. But it's Kosher. And who is keeping nonKosher… Do you just buy stuff and only look if it has a Hechsher at home?... Then return it. Nobody keeps nonKosher. You don't keep nonKosher. You keep Kosher. The only people who keep nonMitzvahs are the board. Your cousins went on a trip to England and stayed... It's pathetic. It's not your Simcha... I know it's your cousins. We'll enjoy the herring. We are thankful that you at least give to the shul. And they went on a journey... Just because you left for a year doesn’t mean you don’t invite people to Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. No matter how comforted you were on your journey... There's tons of comfort when you leave the membership of Beis Emes uSefilah... Maybe donate normal chairs to the shul for the Bat Mitzvah. You didn't invite anybody. Do something. The point is Yakov made a vow. Knowing H' is with him, he made a vow. He made a vow to do something. (Bereishit 28:20-22) He says ‘If H’ will be with me and guard me on the way that I go and give me bread to eat and clothes to wear. And bring me back to the house of my father in peace… the stone I set up as a pillar will be a house of Gd and everything You give me, I will tithe it for you.’ If you paid your dues. Even two percent. We have Kiddish here. We feed you… We even have a pantry. And people even drop off their old clothes they hate... I know it's a food pantry. It should be a 'we don't want stuff in our home' pantry. You poured oil all over. You did that part... Well you are very sloppy in the kitchen... Let’s make a vow that the board doesn’t mess up the shul. Maybe then, we can be sure Gd will be with us… The shul is a House of Gd. Will you wake him up already! I am sorry the chairs are uncomfortable… It’s like you’re sleeping on stone… We’re not pouring oil on the chairs too. Pour water on Bernie. Wake him up already. This is a place of Gd... And tell Bernie to pay his Yom Kippur pledge already... Rivka’s Rundown Oil in the shul is a bad idea. They use oil for everything. The sisterhood can’t even make a decent dressing. If they're going to use oil, they have to contain it. If you ever saw our congregants in the kitchen, you'd know how dirty they are. We sung 'UFaratzta' for a good half hour. That word is amazing. All I know is that Bernie was faratztaing the whole sermon. Love that word. The chairs are uncomfortable. No question about that. It would've been much better if an opera house was closing and not a rundown movie theater. We need more shul Simchas. Something positive done by a member of the shul or their children. We can't keep on celebrating parties for people who've never been to the shul. The other week we celebrated Shmuli's fifteenth birthday in Singapore. Nobody ever met the kid. We needed a reason for a big Kiddish. The Pinkowitzs are very religious. They believe that their children will do something positive. That takes a lot of belief. You’ve got to see Malkie Pinkowitz. No hope. I'm not too happy I was one of the eight people in the shul invited to Kayla's Bat Mizvah dinner. I’m a big fan of Kiddishes. You don’t have to buy gifts for those. The other members of the shul should be happy they didn’t have to go. I had to sit through a family video of their pictures. We saw every picture they ever took of Kayla to that ‘Is this the Little Boy at Play’ song. ‘Sunrise Sunset.’ I think that’s the name. The electric bill is high. The board decided the best way to deal with it is to ignore it. We really have no heat right now. Services felt like an outdoor concert with no band. I think that's what bothered the rabbi is that Bernie brought a blanket to shul to keep warm and sleep better during the sermon. I hope he doesn't talk about sleeping again this coming week. It would seem the congregants take that as a cue. Tags:
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Announcements
We checked with the rabbi. Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Though many Jews celebrate with eating turkey on Friday night, it's not part of the holiday. Even if you are living in Israel, the rabbi said there is no requirement to celebrate two days. In addition: Contrary to what our community has done, we want to make it clear that cooking turkey is not the same as cooking brisket. We are going to be sending out a petition to change the name of Black Friday. It sounds like a plague and it is just a matter of time before they blame the Jews for it. Please sign the petition. Shul protests are best done with the walk out. Our congregants have begun a new form of protests and the rabbi is fine with it. As long as there is a Minyin, the rabbi is happy with congregants leaving in anger because they weren't honored with opening the ark. To quote the rabbi, 'Less congregants in shul is better for everybody.' Historical fact: When first in America, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher. Then they found out you can make pastrami out of it. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom... Yakov tells Esav to sell him his Bechora for the soup… Soup can be quite tasty, if you add soup nuts to it. A good thick soup with soup nuts... Yes. Esav sold it. It was lentil soup. Who doesn’t love lentil soup… If he would’ve understood the importance of the firstborn birthright, the Bechora, he would’ve kept it… Lentil soup is enticing. I know. It was his attitude. The same kind of attitude I get from the board, and the Kalem family. He was thirsty, but it was his attitude. Nobody clenches their thirst with lentil soup… We had lentil soup and brisket at Thanksgiving dinner. I still needed Coke… It wasn't gazpacho, Bernie. And you don't clench thirst with gazpacho... I know it's red. You also don't save a parched mouth with Bloody Marys. Tomato soup doesn't clench... Nothing red, other than Kool-Aid clenches thirst. Esav’s response (Bereishit 25:32) ‘Behold I am going to die. What use is this birthright to me?!’… What is it to me? It’s your birthright… That’s how you see the shul’s halls… It’s nothing to you. You think that once you die, the carpet isn't important. There is more to the shul than you... You're the firstborn. Your family is greater than you. Stuff exists after you're dead. The way the board sold the back hall for eighty dollars… It’s an eighty dollar a month rent and they have a restaurant back there. You sold something important and now it’s not the shul’s anymore… We can’t even park in the lot for Minyin… Their patrons get mad… You know how many congregants we lost because you sold the back of the shul to a fish joint. The shul now smells like fried fish… ‘Oh. The shul is going to die. What is it to us?’ You’re killing the shul… ‘What use to me?’ What can I get out of it? No care for anything but himself. No soul. Like the board. That’s why he got rid of the birthright.... Then why did you get rid of the picture of the two religious guys dancing... It's not mocking them. It's a great picture of two religious guys... Yes. It's a cartoon and they have big heads and payis... We have to care. We have to care about how a turkey comes out. Or it’s not tasty. We have to care about who’s leading davening… Or everybody will walk out. We’ll have a Chazin like this... You'll kill the shul. We have to care about Black Friday… Or they’ll blame the plague on Jews… It’s a plague of not caring. It’s a plague of not thinking there will ever be good deals again. It’s a plague of sales dying. Care about the shul… Or it will turn into a restaurant… You killed it. You gave it away. When you think that death is final, you don’t care… Stuff lasts. The stains on the sofa in the back of the shul from the drunk patrons… No. Not of the shul. Of this sushi joint.. Bereishit (25:34) ‘And Esav spurned the birthright’… He couldn’t stand it. He held it in contempt... He was mad. He walked out... Great way to protest. But it's about him. The same way Herman goes off for a half hour with his Misheberyachs. It's about him... Well we now have contempt for Herman, killing our Shabbis with making the Torah reading take an extra hour... You spurn stuff. A lot of spurning... Who here is a Bachur?... You spurn it. When you get rid of something beautiful, like a good couch, you hate it. This is why so many of you hate the Gabai… The last Gabai was amazing… And the last president was not this president… The president should have no right. Dumb decisions that ruin the shul... You spurn it. You're all about spurn. Because you don't love it. You ruined it, so you spurn it. You gave away the shul to wasabi... Even your kids spurn. Now the kids hate coming to shul… Candies taste disgusting when you smell fish. They now spurn fish... They used to love gummy fish until they smelled fried fish... Rashi says Esav didn’t like the birthright because he knew it came with requirements. A higher level of action… It would be nice if the shul president saw it as a calling to do something positive... Well, you do nothing positive. You do stuff like throwing out a great picture and telling everybody about the Black Friday Plague sale... You run away from responsibility. You care about it, you're just lazy. The same reason none of our membership likes softball... There's a requirement to be decent... That's why we always lose... To not want to serve H’ is the sin. To mess up the shul with long mishebeyrachs, a fish store and getting rid of the one decent painting... I know it's a print. The painting was the one good gift given to the shul... Esav fought his gift. He fought it because it took effort. It got in the way of his enjoyment. 'What is it to me?' When you start thinking about you, there are problems. You start doing long mishebeyrachs and you don't share the armrest. In H's house, that's a sin... I heard this idea. 'You do you.' What does that mean??? Who is You? And why is You doing You? Simmy doing Simmy is not good... Simmy messes up everything. Just being Simmy is Bitul Zman (a waste of time)... We need to adopt the phrase, 'Don't do you. You shouldn't do anything that is you.' And no more 'you go girl.' We're not living in the 1997... Did the storm out. It was a great walk out… It was a protest against the Davener. I get it. Because the Davener, the one leading the service, was doing themselves. Somebody told them, 'When you're up there leading the Musaf, do you. You do you.' It’s that attitude that life ends... If you didn't think life was ending, then why did you do a half hour of Mishebeyrachs, Herman?... And why do you do you?! You're not even the Chazin... And why would you get rid of our history? A great painting of guys with payis flying all over, if life doesn't end, and there is a continuation of the soul?... That cartoon is the soul of our people... Why should I do good? Why should I think about others? Because you don't want to end up with a president who's always thinking about lentil soup... Why are we having lentil soup for Kiddish today? It's not even cold this weekend... No. It does not clench thirst... 'I am going to do me.' That’s why you guys are always sinning... Those kids going to Israel for free never spurned their Birthright... They care about free trips to Israel. No responsibility. That’s why they love it... Esav hated the Birthright because it wasn't free... Do the mothers of the shul ask ‘why my children? Why are my children doing my children?’… Rivka asked why her kids are fighting… They’re fighting right now. In the hall. We can all hear it... Children are the future. She was worried her kids would end up like congregants... Annoying... Have you ever been to a board meeting? Always fighting... It's the selfishness of thinking there is nothing after death that leads to people giving up Birthrights and wasting their time, like the congregants of Beis Emes uSefilah, smelling fried fish, throwing away great art... It's not even kosher... It leads to you doing you. And when you do you, we get messed up Thanksgiving dinners with brisket. You get Sushi Palaces with half off on tempura being announced between Mincha and Maariv... We should be announcing learning. But they're coming into Davening to announce sales. We got a guy with a Tzedaka charity box going around, and Jimbo the chef passing out flyers... We know it's half off Wednesdays... Show you care. Protest. Don’t give in. Don’t spurn. Fight for what’s right. Next time the Chazin messes up, bang the Bima... Banging the table is a good protest too. It scares everybody... Don't 'DO YOU'... Yes. Thanksgiving is Jewish. Hoda'ah. Thanks... Just be thankful. If Esav was thankful, he would have understood the birthright... I don't know what that means. I'm not thankful for the Sushi Palace... And the Sushi Palace doesn’t even sell lentil soup... Because the Sushi Palace does sushi. Jimbo does Jimbo... Rivka’s Rundown Why did the board get rid of the dancing Chasidim. I like how that picture hung right by the social hall. It prepared us for the Simchas, showing us 'this is how Jews dance.' Always brilliant advice from our rabbi. That’s why I come to shul. The rabbi is very correct about the recipes for clenching thirst. Anything with tomatoes doesn’t clench. Daniella thinks spaghetti with sauce helps a dry mouth. She's a fool. Her kids are never well hydrated. Between us, I am scared of Black Friday now. I don’t want to catch it. A lot of selfishness in the shul. The rabbi is right about this 'you do you' stupidity. Less and less people have paid their dues doing themselves. The whole community is now doing themselves and I hear the shul doesn't have a Minyin. And I looked it up. 'You go girl' is from 1997. They took the rabbi’s advice. The next time they protested the Chazin they banged the Bima. It scares people on Rosh Chodesh, when they bang the table. And it scared the Chazin into going faster. Due to the new walk out protesting method, the rabbi is now supporting the Chazin and calling up people to the Torah that nobody likes. He has very strong mixed feelings about the walk out method. Firstly, it shows discontent and the rabbi agrees with that. Sometimes, they have lost a Minyin, as everybody did themselves, leaving the shul. Secondly, congregants are leaving the shul, and that makes the rabbi happy. He is very happy not seeing them. So he supports the walk out and doesn't support it. That was a long firstly. That was a firstly and a firstly and a half. It truly smells like fish when you come into the shul. The restaurant in the shul is a bit much. They really do push to the congregants. The flyers are a bit much. Jimbo even came over to the women's section. There's not enough street traffic, as the shul hallway is in the back of the shul and you get there through the parking lot. They have a person standing there with the catch of the day, trying to lure the congregants in for dinner. They should've thought about the traffic before opening. I think they were hoping to capture business from the shul's membership. They don't even pay their dues. They want to hang a huge banner in front of the shul. The rabbi is not a big fan of Holy Congregation Beis Emes uSefillah being written on the wall in Biblical style writing, and then to have a huge neon 12 by 18 foot neon sign for Sushi Palace. They figure their slogan also speaks on behalf of the shul. 'We roll your sushi like the Torah scroll.' The kids in our shul that go on Birthright feel no responsibility. I can tell you. They help with nothing. The kids in shul were fighting the whole sermon. They were doing themselves. It was a loud fight over Milk Duds. I think they get the wrong idea of the shul being a place of entertainment, as we got the chairs from the old movie theater that shut down. There's still gum on the seats. You hear fighting and you smell fish. That's the environment at Beis Emes uSefilah. People in the shul have to stop doing them. If they keep doing themselves the next Bar Mitzvah's Mishebeyrachs are going to be a good hour and a half. All issues aside. The Thanksgiving brisket was outstanding. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Chayei Sarah11/20/2022
Announcements
No Simchas this week. B”H. Everybody should show up for Kiddish an extra half hour early. Being we don't have to deal with Bar Mitzvah kids, the Torah reading will be read at a normal speed. There will also be no Hosafot and no Mishebeyrachs. And you don’t have to pretend like you are happy for the Balei Simcha, and that you love waiting for them. The shul is now focusing on the future. That means kids. Not old people. All senior members should still pay their dues and whatever they pledged. Rebranding is the goal. And that means trying to forget that old people come here. Along with getting rid of as many congregants as we can, we’re thinking of a new name for the shul. Any ideas for a new name from people who are under eighty will be appreciated. We don’t want to call the shul Thelma. To reiterate, the seniors should still give donations. Congregants need to smile. Seeing the members of the congregation is more depressing than hearing our Chazin lead Musaf. Seat fights must stop. The post-holiday seats are back to normal, and we’re back to the regular numbers of twelve percent capacity. You can all take your seats back that the board stole from you for the Chagim. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No Simchas this week. We’re going to talk about death. Maybe you'll smile if we talk about death... Well nobody smiled at Ephraim's Bar Mitzvah... Avraham honors the life of Sarah. Chayei Sarah... Honoring death is honoring life. And you won't even pay for a plaque... You guys don’t honor the shul... The shul's history. That's its life... Yes. Nobody sponsoring Kiddish is the life of the shul. Tradition... The shul has a history… Your parents and grandparents are part of it. Family that has passed away… I understand the board wants to not focus on death. This is the first shul board I have ever met that doesn’t understand fundraising… They want to rebrand. How about we rebrand the board and get rid of the president… It’s fine. I have another three years on my contract… The president before you thought it would be a good idea to have a rabbi for more than one year. A rabbi that lasts. Tradition… Yes. A rabbi that understands history and family... You don’t rebrand Judaism... You want to rebrand the shul as a jungle gym. Let’s rebrand with smiles... You’re unhappy all the time. Even when you are happy, you're not happy… That’s how you look. The back left is the darkness in our lives… You bring darkness to my life… It’s Shabbis. Oneg. Delight. And then I see the back left. Rebranding are shul as darkness... It’s dark to change people’s seats for the holidays… The board brings darkness to our lives. They take away tradition and bring darkness. When you take away people’s seats it’s dark. You're taking away their connection to the past... You might as well give them candy and let them know they can go home... You want the shul to be rebranded as Halloween... People need seats. They need their chairs. Their grandparents had chairs. It’s about warmth and tradition. That takes commitment… Avraham doesn’t take the field from Efron. He wants ownership of MaArat HaMachpela. Commitment. He wants to make sure that future generations connect with their ancestors, unlike the board who wants the future generations to connect Hot Tamales... You can connect to Hot Tamales and your ancestors… That's tradition. Nobody looks back to the history of their children to learn from how they made it to the blue math-book in first grade... Yes. I was proud of myself for making it past the red math-book, but that's not tradition... That's not tradition, Richard... Smiles are tradition... They smiled. The last generation smiled. That's why people came to shul... No. They don’t like being around you. The lights went off above you. That’s how dark your area of the shul is… The kids smile because of the candies... Then start giving out candy to the back left of the shul... Ownership. To purchase it… Shul is about tradition… People give money for family members who passed. Take ownership… It shows you care and you want to connect. Give your rabbi a raise... (Bereishit 23:11) ‘Just if you will listen to me. I give the price of the field and I will bury my dead there.’ If the board would ever listen... Let’s see if the board listens and stops making decisions… This way we can honor the shul. If we got rid of the board, we would honor the shul, as Avraham honored Sarah. Avraham could convince Efron to raise money off death. That he can make good money off of Jewish ancestors passing. I can’t convince the board… It would be nice if the board understood the Torah. You have to do stuff yourself. That's why I do everything for this place... You can't depend on a board. The board of Chevron wasn't easy to deal with either. The shul has a history… I don’t know what it is. But it’s ours. It’s a history. We have to take ownership of it. Commitment… I know none of you will volunteer. You never help. But that is part of our tradition… We can’t let other people do what is ours. We can’t have other people smile for us. We can't ask other people to do stuff and say they can't help. We must ask our members... They won't help. But that's tradition. We take ownership of not being helpful... As Rashi says, Avraham is saying ‘I can’t do this.’ I can’t let other people do my responsibilities. I can’t take a field for the one that I love. I have to pay for it… Yes. His kids were mad. That was part of their Yerusha (inheritance). The only thing that the congregants do take ownership of is armrests… You will fight with your elbows all day. You take people’s seats on the High Holidays... You moved forward during Davening Simcha. You were in the Keter plastic chair section... You did not pay for cushioned seats... How do you deal with death? When you get rid of the history of the shul, you’re killing it If somebody could pay the shul’s electric bill… It’s dark in that area of the shul… If you focused on the seniors, there would be money for electric bills. There would be more light. If you focused on people’s ancestors… They pay for tradition. That means family members that passed... You're all sad over here because you don't focus on old people and death... Even Richard and Frank, with all their darkness, would give money for family who has gone... We’re doing a shul trip to Maarat HaMachpelah… Rivka’s Rundown I like how the rabbi brought up death. We’re always focused on Simchas and celebrations. We need to focus more on death in the congregation. The rabbi is right. If we focused on death more, we'd be happier. The shul also needs money. Death is the way to get it. The new Yizkur books are messed up. They don’t have a death feel to them. That’s why nobody gave donations on Yom Kippur. Cards weren’t flipped. I want to write on the Yizkur cards, ‘Flip a lot of money. Your family member died.’ Nobody in the shul helps. The tradition of our shul is to say 'no.' People ask you to help and you tell them 'I can't.' We have to keep that tradition going. It's how we connect with our ancestors. People came to shul because of the non-Simcha happiness. The not having to pretend like you’re happy for the people celebrating was the sale. And some of the congregants were even smiling. Kiddish was bad though. Nobody took that part into account. They came for a a quick Davening and good Kiddish. Because there was no party, Kiddish was Kichel. With Bar and Bat Mitzvahs you at least know they’ll have some cake with frosting on it. Kids don’t eat Kichel. Once they've stopped teething, they don't eat Kichel anymore. Richard really does look unhappy. His face has the look of a mourner. I think the back left of the sanctuary took the ‘you bring darkness to my life’ as a complement. The men in the back left seemed flattered. A lot of seat anger in the shul. I can't blame them. The board is rebranding and taking their seats. They've had the seats for fifty years and the board decided that kids are more important than ensuring people get their seats for Yom Kippur. The rabbi wrote a book and handed it to everybody. It was about a history. It was called Tradition: Members Don't Help. It then went on to describe how the board messed up tradition, with new ideas like getting involved. And that killed the shul. The idea of tradition and people coming to shul to connect with tradition doesn’t hit the board. The names the board came up with for the shul's rebrand: Beit Knesset People. The Kinderlach Congregation. Teen Minyin. Pillar of No Old People Congregation. Beis No Grandparents. Anshei Donations Are More Important Than Minyin. The rabbi did a shul trip to Maarat HaMachpelah. I think it was a vacation for him. It was just him and his family that went. The rabbi was happy The reason why nobody smiles is they all think about life. Their lives are depressing. Look at our congregants. Can't even cook a decent kugel. If they thought about death more, they would be happier. They don't honor death. Congregants won't pay for a plaques. They say the plaques are too expensive. Was four hundred shekels too much for Avraham? At least the rabbi is focusing on old dead people. He's putting up the fight against the board and their new branding. As of right now, the board made it clear they hate old people who don't have a lot of money. The rabbi is thus only focusing on wealthy older people. The Finkelmans, a wealthy eighty year old couple, paid for his trip to Israel. Speaking about liking death, the rabbi seemed to love Maarat HaMachpelah. He hung a great picture of him and his family happy and smiling at the burial site of our forefathers and mothers. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Vayeira11/14/2022
Announcements
We are asking parents to donate a slide, so the kids have something to do when they come up for Adon Olam. Many of the congregants are not happy that the kids are running around the Bima and sliding down the handrails. A slide in shul will help with decorum. The kids know that you wait in line for the slide. Kids must not show off their candy in the front of the shul. They are sitting on the Bima in the front of the shul and waving their candies. Many congregants are getting jealous and jealousy is forbidden. From now on, if the kids are bringing candy into shul the youth director has to bring sour sticks for everybody. Candymen cannot discriminate against the elderly either. If children run around in the front of the shul, they have to wave flags. Instead of candies, the youth director has been advised to hand out flags. We’re changing the Shul Kaddish sayer. He’s depressing everybody. People are walking away from the mourners Kaddish too depressed. Visit the sick. Something people in this congregation should do. It’s an announcement because nobody does it. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Kaddish is depressing. It sounds like somebody just died. Every time... You appear with your Kaddish, Tzimi, and people are depressed. They don't even get that down thinking of their loved ones during Yizkur... 'Vayeira,' 'And H" appeared to Avraham...' It's about appearing at the right time... It was hot out… I know Avraham was sick and he still welcomed the guests. He appeared. You have it hard. You still visit the sick... Back to the point. That doesn’t mean that the sick should visit you. Let's focus on the Mitzvah of visiting the sick... Because you people could care less. You haven't visited the nursing home... You appear there and your parents might think you care. The shul might get a decent donation... You show up and you care for the sick. H' appeared and He cared... No. You don't care. The kids are running around the Bima like it’s a jungle gym… Yes. It’s wrong… I know they’re kids. That’s why we have playgroups… They injure themselves there. We don't need to all witness them getting hurt... I don’t know what kind of parent lets their kids have six taffys… That’s how kids get sick... Avraham wasn’t sick from candy. Avraham had his Bris. That’s why he was sick... Maybe he could’ve used some candy. Twizzlers might have brightened the mood for Avraham. I know candy is why they come to shul… There’s a limit. And there’s a limit to rubbing it into our faces. Running around the Bima and showing off their candies to all of us. Shira screaming, 'Look at me!' Waving her taffies... I don't know what kind of parent lets their kids run around shul, and doesn't visit the nursing homes... Kaddish is making people sick. Your Kaddish is such a downer, The monotone is depressing... We need a more upbeat Kaddish... You visit the sick… Coming to shul isn't visiting the sick. It's being around the not well. Bernie is... I know we all feel sick after hearing that Kaddish.... You visit the sick. You welcome guests. You do a decent Kaddish. Your kids don’t run on the Bima. And you host people right… Zerizut. You hurry to do Mitzvahs... You visit the sick like the angels, and you do stuff fast, like Avraham... Well. That's how you do it... I don't know how fast the angels walked. They didn't stop off for a drink on the way… You don’t visit the sick fast. You don’t come in and say ‘I got to go.’ Why don't you at least visit the sick?! You don't even visit... You get their fast. Zerizut is getting to the Mitzvah. The problem is you do the MItzvahs fast. You don't honor your parents by telling them, 'I've got to run.' You do every Mitzvah fast, other than Musaf. Because the Chazin likes to sing... You guys are so lazy when it comes to Mitzvot... Do it when you have time? That’s how you guys parent. Avraham hustled to do the Mitzvah... Avraham couldn’t move and he moved faster than the Chazin… It’s a long Davening... Eating on Shabbat is a Mitzvah. The Chazin is killing the meal... You're stealing our meal time... (Bereishit 18:6) ‘And Avraham hurried to the tent to Sarah, and he said, “Hurry up… and make cake.” And Avraham ran to the cattle…’ He did stuff fast. He didn’t make them wait, like you do with your long depressing Kaddishes. He didn’t make his guests wait… You didn’t even serve meat. It was Beyond Burger. That’s not meat… Stop. That’s a lie. It’s still different. It’s good, but it’s different. It’s a vegi-patty… Avraham wasn’t out to deceive his guests… And Sarah didn’t fight… That is where the tradition of men manning the grill and not baking comes from... You move slow. We didn't have a Minyin for twelve minutes... You were the tenth. You were at the backdoor. It took you twelve minutes to make it from the backdoor to the sanctuary... Conversation. Moving slow. It's all the same... Were you having a conversation with the Cazin??? Avraham was sick and he was less lazy than you… No. You run to visit the sick. They don’t have to run to greet you. Why I have to explain these things… You have no idea what a Bris feels like. Bernie. Avraham had his Bris when he was around your age. You had it when you were eight days old… Yes. Tim converted. He was under sedation… The only people running in this shul are the kids. Because they’re excited to jump on the Bima… They’re excited to slide down the handrails… The banister is not monkey bars. Chaya. Be a parent. They're waving candies like they represent their country... I know some of the sour sticks have lines. And they do look like European flags. Do the kids even know about Hungry, Romania and Lithuania?... It's like they're proud citizens of Ferrara Pan... Maybe if you visited the sick. If you appeared at a nursing home every once in a while, the kids would be right... Yes. They would run and trip over some old people in wheelchairs... It's better than them doing somersaults during Musaf. Even if it's taking way too long, because the Chazin moves slow... Once you get to the Mitzvah, you relax. When you are with the Mitzvah, you don’t run anymore. You do it... You appear correctly. And you don't do flips on the rabbi's shtender... Rivka’s Rundown The congregants got the wrong message. They started doing everything faster. The Amidah prayer was done in thirty-five seconds. People really move slow to Mitzvot. They show up to Minyin real late, even when they're there. Our rabbi is always able to bring history into his sermons. I never knew where the tradition of men manning the grill came from. It’s like a park. The kids are now running around the shul. Parkour is the worst thing that ever happened to our shul. They were playing hide and go seek during Anim Zmirot. One kid was hiding behind the curtain. I heard that some of the kids have been studying acroYoga. I am afraid they’re going to cirque du soleil the ark curtains. Parkpour into the curtains and then swing down on the drapes. The rabbi is right. The candies are a bit much. There was a fight in shul, as many parents didn’t want their kids having candy. Those kids didn’t want to come to shul anymore. Why would you come if your parents don’t give you candy???!!!! So now, kids are stocking up on the stuff, just in case their parents ban candy again. It’s an addiction. The powder candy too. That stuff has me questioning if it's laced. It might be the laced stuff that has them running around and sliding down the Bima railings. You can't be on the wagon, thinking it's fine to flip over a railing in the middle of Adon Olam. Between us. The kids don’t even need the candy. They’re crazy. And now that the shul is trying to draw more kids, they’ve put in for a monkey bars grant. They’re going to place the bars between the men’s and women’s sections. Why they’re trying to draw kids, I don’t know. I don’t know how they can afford the dues. They definitely won't be able to afford the canteen the board is adding to the back left of the women's section. Working on Kaddish synchronizations isn’t easy. If there's a good mourners’ choir, the depressing drone will be overshadowed. The rabbi had the Kaddish people practicing in acapella form. The board suggested a band to back them up. Fools. These people making decisions in the shul don’t get Shabbis. Truth be told. If a band can drown out the drone, it might be better for the congregation. I am sure the rabbi can find a Heter. Many of the congregants were shocked to hear that the veggie-patties are not meat. The message of appearing for the sick is a beautiful one. If any of our congregants visited the people in the nursing home, that would be a miracle. Legends would be written about the appearance of somebody from our community that cares about the elderly. Truth is, if they circumcised the residents, some people might show up for the Seduas Mitzvah (the meal of celebration). At Kiddish, the members were all saying that they only showed up for Avraham, because they knew he had leftovers from the Bris. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Lech Lecha11/6/2022
Announcements
In a new effort to bring Jews closer to their faith, community members are now required to invite people for Shabbat dinner. The reason Jews aren’t Shomer Shabbis is they’re too lazy to cook. Many people have promised the rabbi that they'll start keeping the laws of Shabbat if they receive free meals, and free tuition for their children along with free meals at school. For people to remain religious, it was suggested that all choolante have kishka. Otherwise, more Jews will stop keeping Shabbis. Everybody should learn ‘VAta Banim Shiru Shiru.’ The shul is now using it at least twice every Shabbis. Until Shwekey puts out a better tune for Kedusha, that's what the shul will be doing. Yasher Koyachs need a reason. It seems our congregants are commending people on jobs well done when they've done nothing. No more using laundry as an excuse. We understand you have kids. You should still be able to show up for Minyin. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Lech Lecha. Go for yourself. Maybe show up to Minyin... Go for the shul. Maybe join another congregation... What does Avraham take when he leaves Charan?... Not laundry. He left with clean clothes. And he prayed with the community. You put in the load and leave. You don’t stand there and stare at it… You can load the dryer later. You show up to shul… Avraham would’ve showed up to shul… Yes. They smelled bad back then. I'm thinking about leaving this shul... I'm not a high school football coach. I can't even inspire you to come to Minyin. You'll be fine... (Bereishit 12:4) 'Avraham was seventy-five when he left Charan.' We can't even get Bernie to walk up for an Aliyah in less than five minutes... He walked all the way to Canaan. Yes. He was in shape. Seventy-five and a spring chicken... Maybe Canaan is where they retired to back in those days. I think spring chicken was used bakck then. You saved money staying with your parents, but the weather in Canaan was warm. Doctors suggested... Is that where you get it from Pinchas?! Get out of your parents’ house... I know you can save money like that. I know they do your laundry. They say that's why they don't come to shul... Tell your parents that laundry is not an excuse to not pray. They can't show up to shul because they have to take care of you?! He did stuff when he was seventy-five. So you're eighty, Bernie. Nobody cares. Do something. He left for Canaan. He left with a people. You won't even help setup for Kiddish... Leave the shul. Avraham's building tents, altars. He's doing stuff. You guys can't even help put together a bookcase for the shul library. How about carrying the choolante out for Kiddish??? 'Oh. My back.' Avraham had no moving company. No truck. He was the truck. They walked. They walked to their retirement, and then lived another hundred years... They lived for a long time. Probably because they weren't lazy and helped with Kiddish. And they didn't have to watch over their children... Maybe Lech Lecha is H' telling Avraham to get away from family. To run away from the children... Even when you're old, you have strength. Bernie is just no healthy. (Bereishit 12:5) He made souls in Charan... That's what he took with him. His built up wealth and the souls... He didn't just give up after he reached 50, like the Men's Club... You all gave up. Not one soul shows up... You put together the program, Frank. You put it together and you didn't even show... Then have a Shabbat meal. Make some decent BBQ, because you can't cook anything else, and have a decent Shabbat meal. That's how you make people religious... You can make people religious if you're out of shape and lazy like Bernie. You build altars. Activities. You need to do stuff and feed them... Do stuff. You're old. Go bowling. Play shuffleboard. Play BINGO. Watch Hallmark... He did more than invite them for dinner. He took them on a trip to Canaan. Birthright. Free trips makes people religious too. Not just free dinners He brought them, even though he had to do a lot more laundry... Laundry is not an excuse. Avraham didn’t use laundry as an excuse to live near his parents, so they could help him. And he still showed up to Minyin... You guys will use anything as an excuse to not help with Minyin... You don't work. You're retired... You can at least cook. How about this. Go on a trip. Go on a journey... And do something for your husbands. This isn't just about the men doing nothing. (Bereishit 12:11-13) And his wife had his back. He tells her they're going to Egypt, so she should go in harm's way, so they don't kill Avraham. That's a wife... She has her husband's back, Rachel... We're talking about Shalom Bayit of the shul, and Shalom Bayit of the home… Take a step up... Yes. Women also have to step up. You make people religious with food, and good tunes. Let the Chazin know his tunes are horrendous... 'VAta Banim' is a great tune… That’s why I use it all the time. There are no excuses. Do things right. You have strength when you're old... Some people, who keep in shape have strength... I know this is empowering. You need to be empowered to empower others. Avraham was empowered. Who here is empowered?... Nobody? OK. Well. Let us at least focus on helping make other people religious. We need good food, activities, trips and tunes. And we need to present Frumness right... Meaningful Yasher Koyachs make people religious... You have to congratulate people on a job well done right... Or nobody will be religious. You don't wish a Yasher Koyach when the guy bet on the right team. Yasher Koyachs are for positive reinforcement. You can’t wish a Yasher Koyach for everything. He kissed the Torah… He pulled an ark curtain and kissed the Torah… The guy walked into shul and you said ‘Yasher Koyach.’ You should’ve said ‘Good Shabbis'... Good Shabbis and Yasher Koyach are not the same thing... And you should say 'Thank you' sometimes. Yasher Koyach is not saying thank you. It's telling the guy he did the right thing, for you... It's wrong. Even if you're the Gabai, you sometimes say 'Thank you.' 'VAta Banim' is a good song… When we do it for Na’aritzcha, that deserves a Yasher Koyach… Even if the words don’t fit and we have to say a bunch of words fast, it still desrves a Yasher Koyach... Because it's a good song. It's a good song and the Chazin isn't singing it. Maybe thank me. Open up the curtain to the Aron is questionable. Pulling the curtain string to the ark really doesn’t deserve a Yasher Koyach... If it's the High Holidays and they paid two thousand dollars for it. Then, you wish them a Yasher Koyach... You give free stuff. Avraham took care of his followers… That’s why they followed him. He had good food and he took them on a trip... Shalom Bayit is with food Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi’s new free stuff to make people religious campaign was nixed, as it came off as anti-Semitic. The old people being able to do stuff was a strong message. It was confusing, as the rabbi kept on calling them old. But he said that you can still do stuff when you're old. They didn't help with Kiddish still. They also didn't help put the Siddurs back after Tefillah. The rabbi did empower some of the older people to start exercising, so they can walk to Canaan. The exercise turned into a shul powerlifting team for the elderly. The rabbi was trying real hard to get Bernie to move away. He wants him out of the shul. He even suggested Canaan, wherever that is. After the sermon, congregants were trying to figure out where Canaan is in Florida. They were hoping for a decent price on a condo. As Milt said, 'If it's good enough for Avraham, it's good enough for me.' When they heard that Canaan didn’t develop phase four yet, and there was no golf course, they decided to stay in Topeka. 'Do something for your husbands.' The rabbi was trying to get people to buy gifts for their spouses for Chanukah. It just got the wives mad. Next time, I think he will be better off telling the people to sacrifice their lives for Egypt. When it comes to equality, the rabbi has to understand that women should never have to risk a life. Is chivalry gone? He should've told the men to risk their lives. That would've gotten a better response. If the rabbi would've told the men to risk their lives for a decent meal, and to go shopping at Krogers, that would've been appreciated by all. That means the women. The message should've been that Avraham cooked for himself when Sarah was with Paroh. The rabbi has been singing that song. He must’ve heard the ‘VAta Banim’ song recently. He seems to love it, and uses it for everything. He even used it for Kiddish. At least he fits the tune and the lyrics. Or he tries. The tune doesn’t fit the words of all prayers, but our rabbi is a committed man, and he will use it for every song he sings. It’s his theme now. Like any good Balei Tefillah (somebody who leads Davening- not bringing the Chazin in here, because he's annoying and does his own thing- he doesn't lead), the rabbi has decided to never give into the words, and to keep the tune going no matter what. I’ve heard him throw in eight words to the last note of the song. He mistimes the words. But that is fine, as we know the tune. To note: Nobody became religious listening to the 'VAta Banim' tune. You have to already be religious to appreciate it. Shmuli wished the guy a Yasher Koyach when the guy came back from the bathroom. He was walking to his seat during Torah reading, so Shmuli thought he got an Aliyah. The rabbi really hurt feelings saying that the opening the ark Yasher Koyach is questionable. The men of our shul feel like big Machers when they pull the string to the curtain. I've heard the women of our shul say that their husbands never helped close a curtain in the house. For that matter, they have done nothing in the house. Knowing that Avraham took clean clothes to Canaan. That's information that only our rabbi would know. Huge laundry discussions happened in the shul at Kiddish. Then, meetings were heald during the week. The meetings were held during Minyin. So, the shul couldn't get a Minyin. Everybody is using Persil now. It's the new popular one. No discussions were held about hosting people for Shabbat dinner. I think the congregants decided they didn't want more religious Jews in the shul. They wanted the non-practicing Jews to join. Later on, the board decided to host wine and cheese programs. They figured that would keep the new members not religious. They also charged for the event. I fought with the board to have a herring and schnapps event. It didn't happen. I did what I could to support the rabbi and to try to help people become more religious. Rabbi Mendelchem ended up staying. He decided to stay and didn't go for himself. I believe he got caught up in the sermon, thinking he would head out and go on a journey to a new congregation 'for himself.' He didn't find another job, and he couldn't ask for the raise. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Noach10/30/2022
Announcements
No pelting candies at kids. If they are not celebrating their Bar Mitzvah, there is no reason to hurt them. The rabbi is religious. He has proven himself. His Shema is now taking an extra minute and fifteen seconds. The members can now look to the rabbi as a spiritual leader. He's also covering his head with the Tallis. Nobody could follow the services on Yom Kippur, and the page announcer is not loud enough for the old people, so we’re getting rid of page announcing. We're going to have a page scoreboard in the front of the shul. This way the old people and the shul's Bal Teshuvas can follow, and not bother people for page numbers constantly. New Rules: No forcing stories about your past jobs. Merv yawned at his own story about lawn-mowing. And he kept on going. That is not allowed anymore. It's abusive. No more overhand cupping on the handshak. It’s too gayvadik. You're required to not destroy the shul and smile at people. See the new paint job, now that your relatives who destroyed the shul are gone. We cleaned the candies off the floor as well. We also said Hello to people. Nobody sponsored Seudah Shelishit or Kiddish. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 6:13) H' tells Noach, 'The end of all flesh has come... for the earth is filled with robbery (chamas)...' And you still haven't paid your dues... Not sponsoring Shalishudis is stealing... Yes. It was hatred too. Hatred amongst people. Seeing the back left, you can understand... If it was this shul, it would be the annoying Bal Teshuvas telling everybody what to do... Yes. It's annoying and it makes people want to destroy the earth. Nobody wants to hear you say how to daven... I know. I close my eyes and say 'LMan Tzikuru' out loud. I do a long Shema. I'm a good rabbi. You just started doing this last month... A raise should come but the shul is filled with Chamas. The board does Chamas. People not being able to find the right page is another reason for destruction… Then don't tell people what to do, until you've learned how to find the page. You're a Bal Teshuva and it will take time. In the end, you'll be able to be annoying and tell people how to do stuff, like the Gabai does... Whipping candies at people. Destruction… You end up hitting Ethel. With all this negativity, (Bereishit 6:16) 'A window you should make for the ark, and finish it to a cubit from above...' With all the negativity he focuses on building an ark, and finishing it. The building fund thermometer has been at 100k for the past twelve years. We need 300k... That's why the building isn't finished... When there's a leak and that causes a hole in the roof, the building isn't finished, Bernie. Maybe donate something... It's like we're davening in a Sukkah... A window. A decent window... No. That's not a window. That's a picture of Avraham and sheep. To quote Artscroll, many commentators say it was the window Noach opened after the flood. Some say it was a precious stone that illuminated light within (Rashi). You need light. And that comes from an outside source. Not from the board. Not from messed up construction... There is not one window in the chapel... It's the connection. Even when inside, we are connected to the world. We're comforted by what's outside our home. That's not the point. I know you don't know what a cubit is. Nobody is asking Bernie to build it. His arm is the wrong size... Measurements are off all over this shul. You've got to slide sideways into the bathroom stall... When things get messed up, the light can’t come through. This shul has issues because light shines wrong in the sanctuary… Because you didn’t look at the architect’s sketches. The architect said a window and you put in a stained glass sketch of a sheep... Light comes through on a bright day, and I found a little spot that is clear glass... We have to be honest about the destruction, so we can build. So we can see the light that is not our membership... Messed up members ruining things... We need light. We don't need everything announced. Paying dues so we can fix the lighting issue in the congregation... Then a better window might not be necessary... Stained glass does not illuminate as well... Cleaning is not an announcement. It’s expected… No. Cleaning is not upgrading… And we can still see the dirt on the stairs… Wait till 10am when the sun hits the stair crack dust… You’re announcing pointless stuff. ‘The floor was cleaned.’ That’s not renovations... And why are kids throwing candies on the floor? It's destruction. That's how the world is destroyed. They threw the leftover lollipops on the ground and people stepped on them... That's at least how shoes are destroyed. If it wasn’t the pages that you couldn’t find, you were just talking throughout the service… How many times can you ask somebody the page?! It looked like you were asking Felvel what page we’re on all of davening… Well, you were talking the whole time then... You’ve been doing it for two weeks… No. Don’t tell us how to be Jews. First be religious for a year. Then you can bother people like the back left section of the shul... Merv. You yawned at your own story ‘Man. My story is boring.’ That's what you were saying while you were telling the story... Well your stories kill conversation. Even you were bored telling it... We need a better Kiddish…. People come to shul for Kiddish. They don’t come for sermons… I know my sermon is important. I get across the message to have a good Kiddish. Bad Kiddeshes destroy shuls and bring no light... It's all destruction. Yet. I try to find the light. I was concentrating on Davening. Looking outside. Focusing on not being here. It’s holiness. That’s what I do. Holiness… Yes. I close my eyes for an extra three minutes now… It’s not spacing out. It’s connecting to Gd. That’s why you wait an extra two minutes for the rabbi to finish the Amidah. Holiness. The holiness I bring. A light… (Bereishit 8:6) Noach opened the window after the flood. The first thing you do after a crisis is to connect to the world. It's what you want to do. I can't wait to leave shul. Every Shabbat... You guys won't even leave your homes to show up to Minyin. Minyin. A communal light for Kaddish... During a crisis, you look out the window. You see what’s outside. You see the hope. Then you leave it... Yes. COVID. Do I have to spell this out??? The shul has congregants, but the window is there. A window of Avraham. I can see out of it if I squint and find that little piece of regular glass that wasn't stained... It's called stained. The board should've known there's an issue with it when they installed it... It's hope. Hope to not be here. When I'm inside, stuck here with a Chazin who doesn't know a Nigun from his left foot. When there's a shul president who thinks we need to make a more democratic decision with Davening and vote if we should have a Minyin, there's a ray of light... A light that shines away from the board. A light of hope. And I shall open up that window when the weather permits... It's cold outside. Close it. The ark could use some touch ups... Not a window. It’s all this that causes robbery. The shul's annoyingness is what causes Chamas in the shul. Cupping of the hands to show you’re more important... The halls were destroyed. Relationships were destroyed with boring stories. There was hatred in the shul, and Seudah Shelishit was destroyed because nobody sponsored it... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi went off for a long time on how we destroy the shul. I think he mentioned at least fifty things that Bernie does himself that destroy the shul. There's hints of COVID in every sermon now. The alt-liberals in the shul didn’t like the rabbi’s sermon. They felt that it was against Chamas. The left-wing Jews are very pro-robbery in our shul. The rabbi definitely threatened to leave the congregation if he gets offered another job. 'Opening the window when the weather permits.' I know what that means. Now they’re whipping candies at kids that are Bar Mitzvahed. After Simchat Torah, the board realized that they need to candy throwing rules. They realized they can’t hamper the hankering for whipping candies at kids if they can whale on Bar Mitzvah boys. It helps a lot of families, stopping family fights at home. So, they limit it to hurting Bar Mitzvah kids. You can’t stop them from hurting Bar Mitzvah boys. It’s tradition. Everybody jumped on that opportunity of people not coming to shul for sermons. Rabbi should not have said that. He opened it up and there were boos heard in the congregation. One lady said, 'This is the first sermon I agree with.' Another guy just shouted, 'You stink.' I don’t know how the congregants needed the rabbi to say that before giving him trouble for giving sermons. Personally, I love the rabbi's sermons. I still enjoy the rabbi telling the members how messed up they are. The board has gotten annoying. They've started announcing everything. ‘And the shul has a new ping pong table…’ A ping pong table???? ‘And we cleaned’ What does that mean? Why are they announcing that the shul did something you do every week. Then the president is announcing, 'There's going to be Minyin at shul.' We know. And by the way. The shul had a ping pong table. Are the kids learning Torah on the table?! What’s the announcement for? The shul is getting a new page number board, so people can see what page we’re on. We’re going to have a referee flipping the numbers. The board argued for digital. When they rabbi explained that they only come on Shabbat, some of them understood why it had to be a number flipper set. The Bal Teshuvas telling everybody what to do, though they still can’t find the page. It’s annoying. The shul's group of Bal Teshuvas seems like they know what's going on, with big Kippahs and huge Sheitels, but they still can’t read Hebrew. Get the spot and then tell me what to do. This new girl asked me the page and then told me that I was not focused on my prayers properly. She told me I have to close my eyes more to have proper Kavanah (prayer focus). The rabbi has been closing his eyes a lot now when praying. It looks more penitent. People stare at the rabbi during his Kriyat Shema. Our rabbi has been adding an extra focus and an extra loud 'Tizkiru.' He's proving himself as holy. He even closes his eyes a lot more during davening, and shakes his head from side to side. I think he's going for a raise. It's a contract year. They really do stare at him. Some look at their watches. I saw one let out and angry sigh when the rabbi didn’t hit the minute fifteen on the Shema. She even threw up her arms. I think she joined a different congregation now. He’s trying hard. He’s making us wait for him to finish the Amida now. With the Tallis over his head, he’s truly showing he’s holy. The rabbi didn't really quote Artscroll. He paraphrased Artscroll, using their words. I saw the commentary right before his sermon. I want to suggest to the rabbi to not use Artscroll. It's too accessible to us, and it makes us feel too smart. He loses his rabbinic edge when he talks about stuff we know. And he loses the street cred he's gained with his long Shema. He used 'firmament' in his sermon. Nobody knows what that means. Using a translation into English that people don’t understand (not just the Hebrew), it adds to his holiness and brings back his edge a bit. They’ve got to give the rabbi a raise. The Bal Teshuva is causing problems. I call him the Bal Teshuva, because he's the annoying one. His parents also hate him now. He's telling them what to do too. Once he became religious, he told his mom she raised him wrong and she's going to Gehenim, unless if she gives his Yeshiva money. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Bereishit10/23/2022
Announcements
Now that family guests are gone, hallway playing and wrestling must stop. The shul has to put money in for hallway touch-ups. We'll never see money from guests. We do see destruction of the shul from them. Thus, dues have been raised, and we are doubling your card flips. Please think before you invite your family for the Chagim next year. We don’t want to see the Peskobergs again. People have to pay up for Mishebeyrachs. You flipped the cards, you have to pay those too. Pledges are something you have to pay. They’re not an idea for how much you think other people should give the shul. They're not a vote. Now that the High Holidays are over, the shul office will now be sending letters, to make sure you all pay. It will be a bill. Community diet begins now. The shul is too heavy. Though they commanded you to eat Kugel, no blaming the rabbis for your weight. The rabbi has declared only two huge meals a week, for Shabbis. No more twelve huge meals a week. We have six months to Pesach. The rabbi wants the shul to be in shape for the Matzah. Single members are now broke. We have charged them as much as possible. Seats were expensive this High Holiday season. With all we did, single people are still coming to shul. The board apologizes for that. Class on involvement in prayer will be given. Please know that when the rabbi or Chazin raises their neck and looks around the congregation, you should join in and sing at that point. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 1:2) The earth was nothingness. Tohu Vavohu. Like the amount you all donated last year. Nothingness. Tohu Vavohu. H' creates from here. 'In the beginning' from nothingness. Nothingness, kind of like the Simchat Torah dinner... A piece of lasagna doesn't make dinner... A bite is not dinner, Fran. Nothingness. Kind of like the way the kids treated the shul. Which is why we need to create renovations and touch-ups. Nothingness. Like the energy you give... I have created from that. I have given sermons from your nothingness... We are supposed to try to be like Gd... That doesn't mean telling everybody what to do… I understand you're president. But you're president of the shul... Godly is donating to the shul... Those were long Mishebeyrachs. Pay up… From now on, you have to pay each congregant for their time… To listen to all your family names… You didn’t mention Pinchas by name. Pay him… You mentioned everybody else by name in your Mishebeyrach. Herman, Minachem, Rivka, Fran, Pinchas... Pay him... Then pay your pledge... We can’t create anything in this shul, on any day, without your pledges paid... The kids have to calm down. They can’t create a jungle gym here… Shul should be meaningful… Fun can be found in meaning… We can’t have running and races. They were running all over YOUR NEPHEWS AND NIECES ARE CRAZY!!! They were playing Marco Polo… I love the game. Great game. Tons of fun… They were playing it in the shul. The Chazin was in the middle of the Unetana Tokef prayer, and all we can here is Marco Polo… It’s a prayer of life and death… The usher should keep kids out during the UNetana Tokef… I know she lost, and it was Negiah… That’s also Asur… Now the congregants want Torah kissing races… Who can run up and kiss the Torah first. H' created... Before He rested. He even created rest... Bernie. You're not supposed to rest now. You've done nothing. You've created nothing this week... At least pay your pledge first. And then rest. That's what H' would do... We can’t create anything in this shul, on any day, without your pledges paid. As people we have to create something decent. Like a new wall. Thanks to all the kids destroying the shul over the Chagim. We have to create light. Like H' who created light as His creation on day one. Right now we have dark. Paying your Yizkur appeal donations... You flipped the cards. After H' creates people, he says all is 'very good.' I am trying to see it. It's hard to see it when we don't have electricity. It's hard to see it when you have a board like this.... (1:31) 'And H' saw all that He did and it was very good.' Why is the second day not good? There was only separation You have to pay the doubled card flips. It’s for H’. You have to pay your pledges… No. Pledges are not an idea. They’re an amount you promise to pay. Like a creation you made… I know. That’s the problem. You don’t create I thought I was creating a singalong when I lifted my neck and looked around... You didn't join in. To create, you have to be in shape You have created out of shape bodies during the holidays. That’s one thing that you created. Nothingness is what we have to eat now... Till we take off some weight Everybody up. Some jumping jacks… warming up for Musaf… The kids aren’t going to be the only ones moving here. I see that gut Frank… No. We don't support wrestling in the shul. The guests are gone... Those kids are crazy. You don't body slam somebody onto the Bima... We don’t want the Peskobergs creating. Rivka’s Rundown The sermon lasted an extra half hour as the rabbi wanted to get in a full aerobics class. The congregation is out of shape. Very out of shape. It’s all the holiday food. The average congregant has put on thirteen pounds. And some are still walking around with purple Kiddish tongues, from the ten Kiddishes per week over the holiday season. The rabbi's nothingness list was inspirational. Especially when he mentioned the board and the amount of runs scored in the interhul baseball league. And the way the kids left the shul. He knows what nothingness is. How the rabbi turned donations into Godly, because that is how you create, is the greatest appeal of all time. And it wasn't even an appeal day Apparently, the rabbi thinks pledges are something you’re supposed to pay. Some people say the secretary is very rude with her payment requests. Especially the ones from eight or more years ago. She says stuff like, 'You should pay your pledges.' That offends people. People truly don't pay. I even got a bill. I paid up, but they assumed that no members paid. She did threaten to turn off the electricity to our house. People owe a lot for the MIshebeyrachs. Making everybody wait, there should be an extra fee. A fifteen dollar fee per name. The rabbi is right. It’s like gambling for them. How much is a Mishebeyrach worth? They don’t know. They put down 180 dollars and they expect for the whole family to be healthy. I would hedge my bets and put down eighteen dollars on a Mishebeyrach. No more. People are now saying somebody else flipped their cards. They’re accusing the executive director of rigging the cards. The congregants have now lost their trust in the November elections. Simchat Torah had everybody worried. There was a weak guy on Hagba. We need to test these people. He had weak wrists. It's not hard to check out their bench press before having them lift the Torah. Everybody was worried. The flipping the Torah backwards Simchat Torah Hagba trick, had everybody turning their heads. I don’t want to fast for forty days, because this guy can't hold up a Torah from the least advantageous angle. From now on I’m skipping Simchat Torah in shul. People are still tired from the holidays and Simchat Torah. But they're still eating. The rabbi is right. He's right about everything. The grandkids and nephews and nieces are crazy. Literally crazy. Since they left, now the kids can only play tag in the shul. The rabbi had to give them an activity, other than carpet sliding, sliding down the Bima rails and body slamming. There is now a list of games that can be played in the hallway. The quiet game did not sell. The Peskobergs are annoying. Tags:
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We apologize for the messed up Sukkah decorations in the shul. Too many members of the sisterhood got involved in the feeling of the Holiday Season, and they ended up decorating with pumpkins and RIP signs. Simchat Torah Dancing lessons will take place in the hallway. Also known as Simcha dancing, the Rebbetzin will show you how to do the kick and do the grapevine. This will ensure synchronization on the women's side. For the men's dancing, the rabbi will teach the men how to walk in a circle correctly. No whipping candies at kids this Simchat Torah, though some of the kids deserve it. We had too many injuries last Simchat Torah due to sweets and bad aim. There was a lot of random bystanders hit by the gummies. You may aim at kids that will have Bar Mitzvahs soon, to prepare them. Also, no tossing candies into the middle of nowhere. Kids become very violent when chasing candy. With that in mind, from now on, we will not allow for contact football in the shul hallway without pads. Please clean up your Aravot. They were left over from last Hoshana Rabba. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Happy Congregants... The two of you. (Devarim 33:4) We were told at Sinai, 'The Torah that Moshe commanded us is the heritage of the Congregation (Kehillah) of Israel.' That is our heritage... The Torah. For crying out loud. How clear can it be? Moshe tells us 'The Torah' and you still don't get it's the Torah. What do we have to do to get you guys to do Mitzvahs?! Throwing candies at kids is not a heritage... It's Simchat Torah. Not a Bar Mitzvah... Not the Torah that Phillip gave you. It's the Torah Moshe commanded us. That's our heritage... Oh. Phillip gave you a nice Chumash. Enjoy it... Your aim was off. You hit Max and Sim... Why are you whipping candies at eighty five year olds? Bad aim... They were Bar Mitzvahed seventy years ago… You even hit the Torah... Then work on your aim. You're not supposed to hit our heritage... Some of the kids deserve it. They've been running around the shul too much. The parents do nothing. We should be whipping them at the parents... I never said it was the other shul's heritage. They’re a messed up Kehillah too… Dancing on Simchat Torah is a heritage... There's a reason we don't support hip-hop dancing in shul. Have you seen how bad it looks when Pinchas goes into the bottom rock?! In the Jewish cypher, there should only be the one handed hold and kick... Being happy on the holidays is our heritage… I know that’s hard in this shul. Right after Yom Kippur and you’re already speaking Lashon Hara… I speak the truth… Lashon Hara is not our heritage. Halloween decorations in the Sukkah are not a Bracha... Even if you got a deal, it's not our heritage. Halloween decorations are not a heritage of Israel. Scary plastic skeletons didn't happen when the nation gathered at Sinai. We don’t celebrate Halloween… I know we give out candy on Simchat Torah. But Halloween?... And why are you whipping them at the kids?... Your soft toss into the pile, where the kids beat each other for a Mike and Ike is wrong too… Decorating with gourds should also be Asur (forbidden). They should've never made it into the Sukkah. They're like little pumpkins... The kids were scared of the Sukkah. It has RIP in it. It was a haunted Sukkah… Was that your program? What were you trying to do? Get the kids to cry? We already have issues getting them to shul... (Devarim 33:5) We're called 'Jeshurun.' Meaning straight and righteous. We're a straight and righteous people... If you threw straight. You whipped the candies. It was a haunted house where you got injured by candies flying at you... I know it gave the feeling of having bats... Decent dancing this year. For crying out loud. Make it a heritage that we dance in a straight line for once. A straight dancing line that leads into a circle of righteousness... You don't do Hoshanos and then leave all your trash in the shul. Even if it's our heritage... Lashon Hara is not straight and upright. That’s not our heritage. Nor is how Bernie walks... You're hunched Bernie. Decent dancing this year. For crying out loud. Make it a heritage to dance right. And to walk upright too, Bernie... You should speak Lashon Hara about people who don't clean up their Aravot. I have no idea what the rest of the Parsha says... My Hebrew is not that good. Rivka’s Rundown It's good to know our rabbi has limitations. I'm fine with him not understanding the Torah. The rabbi didn’t bring up Shemini Atzeret as part of our heritage. He just talked about Simchat Torah. When asked, he said that Shemini Atzeret is a real holiday. Once the heritage conversation came up, the congregants started asking the rabbi about the house they didn’t get in the inheritance. They then started complaining about their families and how they deserved more. Sibling fights were abundant in the community following the rabbi’s speech. It turns out that a lot of people were not happy with the way their parents drew up the will. The shul tradition is to whack the Aravot (willow branches) on the ground and then to leave the leaves and all of their trash in the shul. Some people even take their garbage bags, to the shul and drop them, as part of the tradition. Others just through their Lulav over the Aron (ark) to make it harder for the custodian to clean up. The rabbi gave the VZot HaBracha sermon on Shabbat, as he noted, 'You people drink too much on Simchat Torah.' After another year of extremely bad Simchat Torah candy aim, the rabbi took the congregants to the park to work on pitching skills. For shul safety at Bar Mitzvahs, and continued poor aim, the rabbi started protecting the older congregants with his Tallis. There were a lot of injured kids this Simchat Torah, again. It’s good to not allow Rick to whip candies at the little ones. He’s an angry guy. The rabbi also gave more dance lessons. The rabbi realized the men of the congregation are just not coordinated enough to walk in a circle. And then he went off on how the programming is also not coordinated. The Rebbetzin tried teaching Simcha Dancing. It didn’t happen. The women couldn’t get the line right. Nor the kicks. The Rebbetzin will be teaching a course in Simcha Dancing over the winter. By the end of the winter, the women should have down the knee kick and then the regular kick, along with the crossover walk. She advertised it as a self-defenses Simcha dancing. Housewives are very into self-defense. I have to commend the rabbi. For the group prayers of health and the Avinu Shebashamayim prayer, he did a great job in involving everybody. He did the head pickup and look around to have everybody join. He is very smooth with how he raises his neck and looks around to get everybody to join. He also did a hands in the air to show connection with God during services for the prayer for rain. He’s really been showing his spirituality recently. I think he wants a raise. The Sukkah was Halloween themed. It was scary, and I think we lost some congregants who felt like their neighbors did Halloween better than the sisterhood. The rabbi has been crying out loud a lot the past few weeks. Maybe it’s something to do with Yom Kippur. A lot of crying out loud at the congregation. The rabbi saying Lashon Hara is not our heritage had many people questioning their connection to Yiddishkeit. Many people approached the board saying their families have always spoke Lashon Hara, and they wouldn’t want to be part of a community that doesn’t. It’s tradition. It was decided to have Lashon Hara circles in the shul, to ensure that the community tradition of Lashon Hara is never lost. They brought in a new Chazin for the holidays, though. I argued that we didn't need a Chazin singing tunes we didn't know. We have enough people to speak Lashon Hara about in the women's section. Tags:
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The Shul's communal Sukkot event will not happen at the shul. It turns out that the bouncy house Sukkah can only be used as a bouncy house. They tried placing a table in there, but found out that it flipped over when you walk. The shul is returning the Sukkah due to false advertisement of it working as a Sukkah. Next year, the shul will go back to the High Holiday traditional tunes people like. They thought it would be a good idea to try tunes that aren't enjoyable. The board didn’t realize that Jewish people like tradition when they're repenting for letting their ancestors down. It has more meaning to let your ancestors down with the tunes they knew. The shul will also stick to Machzor prayers, against board protest. The board wanted more English readings, but the rabbi insisted that the Yom Kippur service is not a choose your own prayer book. Next year we'll have a Chazin. People are mad they paid 200 bucks and got a second rate performance on Yom Kippur. Next year, people will get their money's worth. Yom Kippur will rock. A show with a lot of Kvetching. The board wanted a band, but due to sinning on Yom Kippur with breaking the laws while repenting for them, we're going to try to get an acapella troupe. We will have ushers for the appeals next year as well. People had no idea what to do after they flipped the tabs, and the rabbi said 'Ushers.' We are sorry for the awkward experience of flipping over a tab and then putting it back in your seat pocket. We advise everybody to not donate any money this year to the Israel Relief Fund, or the shul, as the people asking for the money may have stolen your donation cards from the pockets. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 32:1) 'Listen Heavens and I will speak. And hear oh earth the words of mouth.' You people don't listen. You never listen. Did you get the message from last week? And the week before?... Then why does the shul still have a board. Moshe knows the heavens and earth listen... It's not like talking to a wall. Walls don't listen, Bernie. And neither do congregants… Heaven and earth are witness. They’re always there unlike your kids that don’t visit. It’s the holidays. Still not visiting… You shouldn’t have to visit them. You're old. They should visit you… Witness that there were no ushers for the Yizkur appeal... They are witnesses forever. Witnesses that you say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. If they ever have to listen to another joke from Merv... Merv. You tell jokes and... I think that is what causes thunderstorms. The heavens hears your joke and a thunderstorm comes, and the earth is destroyed... It's your jokes... People hear it all. All is heard... They don't listen to you. You say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. Your kids don't. But the heavens do... The Davening was messed up... The heavens and earth are witness that we need a new Chazin... The heaven and earth are listening. The ‘Oy yay yays’ between paragraphs at Musaf were too fast… I don’t know if the earth and heavens could of heard that. I guess they don’t listen to congregants… You don’t annunciate. Groans don’t work. Groans are not penitent... Stupid stuff. The bouncy house Sukkah??? You can’t eat in that. Food’s flying all over. The heavens and earth saw the idiots trying to place a table on that... Be penitent for your stupidity... (Devarim 32:4-5) He is just and upright. 'Destruction is not His. It's His children's defect you crooked and twisted generation.' H' is just and righteous. I see you, I fell like I have to bend my head to get a decent visual... You're all twisted and crooked. Messed up... You guys make the mistakes... I can't go through all the stupid stuff again. The heavens and earth remember... Pinchas can't even find his shoes. Can an adult help please go out to the hallway and help him remember where he took them off... Saying 'Good Shabbis,' that's H' speaking. It's goodness. It's upright. If anybody were to help the elderly... You don't help the elderly. Uprightness would say to help. H'... The board messes up... Then where were the ushers for the Yizkur appeal?... H' does the right tunes. Our Chazin does these messed up Yom Kippur specials that he heard on new Miami Boys Choir CD... Nobody understands that stuff. It's twisted. Sing Mordechai Ben David. Upright Chazin singing... And the heavens and the earth have to listen to this?! If you listened to H'. Did a Mitzvah. Built a Sukkah correctly... You put the A plank next to the B plank. You stand them upright. Not crooked... (Devarim 32:3) 'When I call out the name of H' give greatness to God'... You can't even do that right. The Pasuk said to do it. You just sat there like a wall... Earth and heaven would've said something... At least say 'Amen.' Brought greatness... Even when you answer 'Yehei Shmei Rabba...' it feels like nothing. You're not calling out... Crooked and twisted... (Devarim 32:6) 'Is this how you repay the Lord, you disgraceful, unwise people?! Is He not your Father, your Master? He has made you and established you.' Look at this shul. Pathetic. This is crookedness. This is not giving greatness to H's name... I feel bad saying H' established this shul. It would offend the Smith and Schwartz family who cut the ribbon in 1972... From Chabad.org. Yes. That is where I get my translations. Is there a better translation?... They're all going to say you are doing stuff wrong as the president of the shul... I couldn't say it better than Moshe. You're a disgrace... And this is the Sukkah you build Him???!!! I know you eat in it… There were no ushers. How was I to raise money for the shul… They flipped the tabs and had no idea what to do. They thought they got out of it... The request letters are going to come as a shock... I know they always come as a shock. But this year, it will be more of a shock. When they don't pay their pledged amount, they will be more in shock that they pledged it... H’ would’ve brought ushers. He would've established ushers... Rashi explains ‘Disgraceful… people’ to be because ‘that they forgot what was done for them.’ When you forget what was done for you, you make dumb decisions. Hence the board, no ushers and the Chazin... And this ark cover. If you would remember what was done for you, you would give over decent jokes. You would have ushers, like the ushers who collected for all the Yizkur appeals years back that ended up collecting ideas for donations that were never paid, to go to the building fund. You would remember decent tunes and build a Sukkah that works to sit in and praise H,' to repay Him for what He has done for us. And we would praise Him normally with a good Chazin... Good Shabbis. That's H.' Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi was at shul for Yom Kipur. He said he wouldn't but he showed up. It was between his job and holiness. The rabbi used the heavens and earth to go off on every way the congregation is annoying. He treated it like a court case against having to deal with the membership. 'And the heavens and earth said they hated the congregants, too.' The congregants definitely cried when the heavens and earth agreed with the rabbi that their kids don't love them, and that's why they don't visit. It would've been great if the heavens and earth could talk. I believe they would be on the rabbi's side. Merv's jokes are a bit much. The rabbi really doesn’t want a board. That is clear. It seems the heavens and earth also don't want a board. The rabbi went off on each sin. He stopped and pointed to Bernie for half of them 'Who has been haughty... Let’s talk about the board.' Very smooth. He also went off on other congregants in a subtle manner. One was, 'Who has spoken gossip? Fran???' Stupid is the right way to describe the congregants. A bouncy house Sukkah? Even the kids got mad when they tried eating and jumping at the same time. Even Chaim said it makes no sense, as he was mad he couldn't eat his mom's brisket while doing a flip. I always wondered why the rabbi gave speeches. I now understand. The earth and heaven listen. At least he knows that. I can tell you the women who sit next to me don't. Kids not visiting their parents is a problem. Other shuls are packed on the holidays. Our shul is a loveless feeling of Shabbis. Truth is if any of the congregants would know how to cook a decent kugel, the kids would be here. When you don't teach the Torah of 'honor your parents' you don't get honored. Your kids have to hate you when they're young, hearing the lessons, in order for them to respect you when they're older. My kids complained all the time. That's why they visit now. To get back to me by sicking their children on me. With all that said. A decent kugel would bring the kids home for the holiday. Children are always happy to visit kugel. The rabbi ended up just quoting the Moshe. Great rebuke. He ended with a 'you are disgraceful.' The rabbi’s Kitel was stained on Yom Kippur. Really killed the appeal. He blamed the ushers, but it was also the stain on his Kitel. No ushers for Yom Kippur. That ruined the appeal. The rabbi looked pathetic. He announced, ‘Ushers now go around’ and nobody went. People just played it like something happened. It was messed up. But the rabbi went around after shul was over and collected the cards. People were angry when they got the bill. They thought they got out of it. As we learned later, the rabbi's Yom Kippur appeal was great. It was a message that spoke to all. ‘Give money. People died. Give money.’ He raised more than the shul ever raised. And there were no ushers. I am sorry I keep bringing up the no ushers. It was just awkward. Very not in sync. I don't know why we still do the appeal. They never pay. The flip the tabs and don't pay. It's a statement of 'if I would pay, I would pay this amount.' The appeal next year should be 'this is the amount of my previous pledges I will pay.' The rabbi led Musaf and did the announcements. It’s weird going from Chazin voice to page announcer voice. But he did it. He multi-tasked the whole thing after the Chazin refused to do tunes people liked on Yom Kippur. The rabbi chased him out and had to finish Musaf. The rabbi was teaching everybody the tunes. He spent extra time with the Chazins. They were practicing and they still got them wrong. Zevulun corrected them and took over the Chazin singing, from his seat. He was louder than the Chazin. I think that's why the Chazin left. I just hope they get the tunes right next year. Otherwise, there will be a lot of fights. Many congregants have been haughty lately. The rabbi gave a class on proper hand movements in greeting, to not put yourself above other people. You can’t cup the hand. Cupping the back of the head is considered abusive as well. As is pinching any cheek of somebody over thirty. No matter how old you are, you cannot squeeze for more than eight seconds. I have seen people shake hands to wish 'Good Shabbis,' and then their faces become bright red. They look like they're going to explode, proving their Jewish dominance. Other classes were given on when to sit and stand and how to do the ‘Nay Nay’ drone better. The rabbi also taught the congregants how to do a penitent groan properly. In order to properly drone and groan, you have to look sad and pathetic, like the shul's president, as the rabbi said. The ushers not coming around was awkward for everybody. If somebody would've said 'this is awkward,' the congregation would've stopped looking around for twelve minutes, and we would've been able to have continued with Yizkur. They should've at least found ushers between Kol Nidrei and Yizkur, but they didn't. It turns out, some down and out members took the donation cards for the shul, and asked for that money. They put their names and their addresses in the donation request letters. They figured that they were members of the shul, and thus, the money in essence would be going to the shul. Tags:
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Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants. 
That is how the punchline of a Jewish joke should look. Like you're questioning something, dealing with serious stomach issues, or giving a sermon.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
3/26/2023
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