Announcements
We understand people are mad about their Yom Kippur seats from last year. The board has very poor judgment of people. Never trust them with wedding seating at your child’s wedding, unless if you want the guests to be not happy. They’ll sit the bride’s family with the groom’s... We will have general seating this year. We still need you to pay for seats. We're giving music lessons. The shul band, Simchtallica Soft Rock, is real bad and we need a new drummer, guitarist and pianist. One that understands it's a soft rock band. Autumn is here, which means a nice breeze, leaves are falling, and people are depressed. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin People’s High Holidays, with The Board. Music Lessons for People With Hope: Not the Shul Band or Cheryl. How to Not Be Depressed this Autumn by Sitting Very Far Away From Bernie. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No excuses. You come to shul. You do Mitzvahs. You get in shape... (Devarim 30:11-14) ‘The commandment... It’s not in heaven to say, “Who will go up for us to heaven, to take it, and to hear it for us and do it?’ The Torah is not out of reach. And all you have are excuses. Shul is too long. I have too much work. I need me time. I can’t open a scroll... It’s in books. The Torah is in books now. Nobody is opening a scroll at Yeshiva... Stop blaming your wife for everything. Allen. She's a good woman. She's right here. Not in heaven... That's the problem. I get it... You have to be in shape to go all the way up to heaven. You would expect me to get up on a ladder for you to climb up to heaven... Because I have to do everything for you. 'Go rabbi. Get the Torah for us. We gave you a raise eight years ago.' ‘It is close to you this thing, in your hear mouth and in your heart to do it...’ Maybe not in Bernie’s heart... You’re eighty-six and you still haven’t done a Mitzvah. It’s not even on the other side of the sea. The Torah is right here. In the back of the shul with the fools who talk all of Davening. If that is Torah, I am going to give up. Something is wrong with that section... I'm happy the leave for the Kiddish club. Don't have to see them... The thing is the Torah. Mitzvahs. Not broom the weed-whacker you needed and forgot what it was called... You put in effort. The gym is right down the block. Lo BaShamaim Hi. It's not in heaven... Do stuff. Do Mitzvot. They’re here. Right in front of you... Not disturbing Davening. How about we start with that. How about we start with not disrupting the sermon. That's one of the 'things'... Mitch. You have no idea how to play the flute... Why do we even need a flute in a rock band?! A decent musician is not here. No decent entertainment is found in our shul. Possibly in heaven... They listen because you’re bad. They’re quiet... If you were good, they’d be dancing. They'd be cheering. They'd be singing along... They have no idea what song you're singing... It's off. People are asking, 'Who will go and explain to us what this band is doing?' You're supposed put in effort because the Torah is everywhere. You can achieve. The shul band is a different story. I don’t believe effort will help the Simchtallica Band. Why are you calling a soft rock band Simchtallica?... What was the point in Cheryl being in the band. It wasn't a harmonica. It was a kazoo... And she clapped. She was good at applauding. Soft rock??? Why do you need amps that big and leather pants for a soft rock band?! It's just that the shul puts in no effort and being here feels like the Torah is really far away... The board has to put effort into assigning seats for the High Holidays... Because people don’t know where their seats are. Their seats are in heaven... You put in bleachers last year... Why would people pay for seats if it's general seating? You’re paying for a seat that’s not even yours. You get up and Ben takes it... Laura is a musical chairs hog. She’ll come in and sit right under you. The Torah is in your homes. It’s with the change of seasons... Relax. Be happy. I understand autumn is here. You’re pale. Allen. You’re pale. Sun is bad for you. Stop complaining. You should be thanking Gd for autumn. You can finally go outside and not burn yourself. It will be a beautiful holiday season... So you have to wear a coat in the Sukkah. The Torah is in your Sukkah... Build it and it will be in your Sukkah. So lazy. Put in effort. The High Holidays are coming. Try a bit. And if the Torah was in heaven?... Rashi teaches that you would have to go up to heaven after it, to learn it. You won’t even wake up on time to come to shul... Are you going to go to heaven?! Rivka's Rundown That was the first time I've ever heard a rabbi support the Kiddish club. Our rabbi doesn't want to see the congregants in shul. Especially in the back left. I think the rabbi saying the Torah is found in his congregation caused an existential crisis for the rabbi. We haven’t seen him since Shabbat. We hope he’s not going to leave Yiddishkeit because of where Torah is found. The rabbi blames the poor health in our congregation on lack of going to the gym. I think the rabbi was saying that Torah is at the gym. Really bad musicians. It's like watching a fourth grade recital. People listen because they feel bad. They're trying to figure out if the band was playing a note. Before hearing the band, I thought everything was a note. I was wrong. Cheryl is a bad harmonica player. Some say it was a kazoo. It was a good kazoo. I would rather have the board set up the seats. Now I have to run away from Sharon and I have no excuse. I can't tell her, 'Your seat is over there. I have to go sit in my seat.' And she thinks the pew is for everybody. There is no such thing as a pew without more room. We once had thirteen people in the five person pew. This is why you don't have friends in shul. The board at least gave me an excuse to not sit next to her last year. The board worked for me. I was in cahoots. Assigned seats is key for running away from family too. I was able to throw my aunt on the other side of the women’s section. Now, I only go to weddings with assigned seats. And I make it a point to not sit with my family. I figure that if I don't sit with people I know, I won't end up having to ask for forgiveness for hating them on Yom Kippur. I heard autumn was here and I got sick. I think I came down with something from listening to everybody complain about how 'there is a breeze outside now' at Kiddish. The rabbi did not allow any shul band members to go to the music lessons. He said they have no hope. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ki Tavo9/22/2024
Announcements
It’s the last week before Selichot start. We suggest to get sleep now. We ask everybody calm down. We understand that Rosh Hashana and Sukkot will be three-day Yom Tovs. Many members have come to the rabbi to ask if converting to another religion for October is fine. The rabbi has decreed that converting to not have to cook for three days or hear a Chazin is not acceptable. The Jewish Family Service will be offering counseling for members who are worried about having to eat Kugel for three straight days. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Skip Work So You Can Get Sleep During the Two Weeks of Selichot. How To Cook for a Three Day Yom Tov and Still Love Your Family. How to Get Seats in the Back of the Shul, So You Can Show Up Late on the High Holidays. How to Not Bloat Like Shaindy Who Gets Very Heavy during the Holidays. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 26:16) ‘This day, H”, your Gd, is commanding you to do the decrees and ordinances, and you shall do them with all of your heart and all of your soul.’ Not like Simcha who can’t even shake a hand with a firm grip... You shake a hand, you have Kavanah. You’re saying ‘Good Shabbis.’ You shake the hand. You shake it with heart and soul. If you shook with Kavanah and Nishama, people would want to be religious... Yes. More soul in your Jewish handshakes. Maybe listen to some Motown before Shabbis, to get you in the mood. And your Shema has no heart and soul. You need heart and soul when saying Shema!!! 'This day'? I don't know which exact day... I don't think it was Golden Calf day. Maybe it was spies day... Rashi (citing Tanchuma) teaches that Moshe is telling them that ‘Each day, they should be to you as new. As if you were commanded them that day.’ It’s about now. It’s about doing Mitzvot now... You did a good job in Yeshiva. How bout you keep Shabbat now?!... I know you're proud of Sarah. I understand Sarah did really good in grade school, Kitah Bet, and she knows how to trace a Gimel. She’s thirty-five now... If you thought you were being commanded now, you'd have more heart... You are being commanded now. But you're not. But you are... You want to be great. Do the Mitzvot. Do them with heart and soul and some tunes that aren't Carlebach... (Devarim 26:18-19) ‘H’” said to you this day to be to Him an Am Segulah (a treasure), as He spoke to you, and to guard the Mitzvot...' I would not call this congregation a treasure... Cause you don't do Mitzvot and you're annoying... I don't know if H' said anything about telling bad jokes and standing close to me while I'm trying to enjoy a potato Kugel at Kiddish... You have to be to H’ an Am Segulah. A nation that shakes hands. A nation that has heart and soul, TODAY!!! I don't know what an Am Segulah is. I'm assuming it's not a membership that comes in sixth place in the inter-shul softball league, with an 0 and 8 record. I am assuming an Am Segulah shows up to Minyin... 'This day.' Today. Do something today. Stop thinking and maybe you'll be loved. That's why you're still single, Chaim... If you said Shema every day with heart and soul, you would maybe be a liked. You would be an Am Segulah. 'To guard the Mitzvot.' Try. I am saying to try. If you tried, we wouldn't be stuck with messed up Yom Kippur seats again. I saw the chart. It's off... You don't sit anybody next to Bernie. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie, with the chuching... You guys have no heart or soul. We will expect you here at 5:30am for Selichot... Allen. You don't show up for Minyin at 7am. Mitzvot need heart and soul... You need a lot of Neshama to make it through a three day holiday. You need belief in Gd... The 3 Day Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana has scared many of our congregants. People are already packing to go. Members are running away... People are very nervous. We understand. Cooking Tzimis for three days is not an easy task. What do you do without internet for three days???? We've lost six community members who have converted due to this year's three day Rosh Hashana and Sukkot... Everybody calm down. No need to panic. No need to protest. We, the shul, will keep everybody occupied with Davening. We will be sure to allow the Chazin to Daven for extra praying time to get us through the holiday... I understand. I also hate the Chazin. Maybe we should be focused on praying about life... And you have conviction that you are receiving the Torah anew on Rosh Hashana. You have conviction when cooking for the family... We’ve also heard of parents putting up their children for adoption, so they don’t have to cook for them for three days... Kids won’t want to be Jewish and serve Gd if you cook bad Kugels. If your chicken soup is off, if you leave out the matzah balls and you offer no croutons, we will lose Jewish children over the holiday... Put your heart and soul into it. You're a treasured nation who was chosen to make decent chicken soup with shmaltz... And start cooking today. Mitzvahs take preparation. Seize the day. That's how you become an Am Segulah... Seize it. Not cease. And you shake hands with meaning. Strong. Firm. Like you're just meeting Mervin. A Mitzvah shake. Shake hands right and be an Am Segulah. We need more heart and soul. We're going to close our eyes the rest of Davening... We should all be blessed with a life of never having to do another three day Yom Tov. Rivka's Rundown Everybody closed their eyes and nobody had any idea what they were saying. No words came out. Our congregants are Davening illiterates. They know nothing. One woman thought it was meditation time. She asked the rabbi if it was fine to light a candle on Shabbis. I believe the rabbi's message was that the Jewish people were chosen to be a treasured nation to make chicken soup with a decent amount of chicken fat and soup nuts. The rabbi’s shaking hand conviction point was well taken by the congregation. People were shaking hands for hours after services. They were hand cupping. They were standing in hand shake Mazel Tov lines. No Simcha, but there was a Mazel Tov row. The Mazel Tov row is where the family stands outside of services to shake everybody's hands at the end of a Simcha. The rabbi is truly pushing for better musicians in our shul. The shul band is real bad. To quote the rabbi, 'They have no heart and soul.' I felt bad for Chaim. The rabbi gave him nothing. Just a 'that's why you're still single.' No way out of it. Just something about 'today' and he is still single today. Instead of saying Selichot, I figured I would sleep deprive myself to feel closer to H’. People are truly worried about the three day holidays. One guy already had a Lokshen Kugel breakdown. At Kiddish, there was Lokshen. He started yelling, ‘No. No more Lokshen. No Rosh Hashana!!! Lokshen!!!’ Due to the rabbi's support of the Chazin leading a long Davening concept, four more families decided to convert for the month of October. They ran form shul. Skipped Kiddish. We haven't seen them since. In his class, the rabbi suggested to only use plastic. Do not think about the environment when you’re praying for a good and healthy year. When it’s three days, you can't worry about the environment. Especially when you have kids. Due to the three day holidays, mothers have started telling their kids how much they hate them. Very true. You only keep kids Jewish with good cooking good Choolent. This is why the Lefkowitz kids are off the Derech. They're not religious because their mom can’t cook a decent Lokshen. Shaindy does put on weight during the holidays. She bloats. I appreciate that somebody else noticed. I am sick of being the only one telling her. Great sermon. I still have no idea what heart and soul means. I think it means potato Kugel and Tzimis. And to not be like Bernie. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ki Teitzei9/15/2024
Announcements
We’ll be hosting Jewish art classes for members who can only write in script Hebrew. We'll teach membership how to look decent with their penmanship. The class on how to dress was a failure. School has begun. Please ask the teachers to teach your kids to Daven. Maybe Adon Olam. At least to be silent and not talk during Davening. Maybe ask the teachers to teach your children to not be annoying. To not be annoying and to learn Hebrew. מעצבנים. That's a word. Mitchel was smiling at the funeral. Though he's the son and it was very offsetting, nobody should worry. He's getting an inheritance. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Writing Hebrew Like a Jew and Not Like Sadie Who Has Very Poor Penmanship. How to Raise a Jewish Child That Knows Adon Olam by Not Sending Them to a Jewish Day School Not in Our Town. Making People Happy at Your Funeral by Giving Them Money. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... You keep the purity of marriage... I know that’s offensive. The Torah is offensive. There are marriage rules. And they are offensive... Just seeing you offends me, Bernie. It's like a really bad marriage. You need a safe home. A home with a loving husband. A home with a roof that has a fence. A shul without Bernie... Why you all are walking on roofs all the time is messed up. Good Jewish boys don't walk on roofs. They pay not Jewish boys to walk on roofs... We care if they are safe too. Though they did the Crusades, we still care about them. (Devarim 22:8) ‘When you build a new house you shall make a fence for your roof. And you shall not place blood in your house if a fallen person falls from it...’ You want blood in your house? It gets all over. It's hard to clean.... If you fall, I would at least think a scab... Why I have to tell you that safety is important. Your kids run around the halls like crazies. We need to build a new shul with cushions on the walls, for safety. And no plastic toys... The plastic ax had a blood on it. There's blood everywhere in this shul. One of the kids got injured in a game of paper football... Rebecca. It's a table game. The Rambam (Hilchot Rotzeach 11:1-5) says this applies to swimming pools and tall stairways... No. You cannot go up to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Every seen that stairwell? Three thousand feet and a sharp spiral, and a bunch of New Yorkers. Not safe... You also can't go to youth groups in our shul... The kids are crazy. Blood... Why vineyards and marriage laws are written here too? Rashi says because one Mitzvah leads to another. And one annoying congregant with an annoying congregant question leads to another annoying congregant with another annoying congregant question... Marriage to house to vineyard. It makes sense... If you don't have a house, were do you build the vineyard??? It's best to drink near the house. Precaution. Precaution and preparation for safety and Mitzvahs is what we're learning about. Mitzvahs and not splashing people at the pool... Prepare correctly so you don't look like a fool. Our congregation comes off as not educated... Because you're not. Learn how to write Hebrew like a normal person. What classy people write in Hebrew cursive?... English cursive is classy. Hebrew cursive is not classy. If you want to make it look nice, you do not write in Israeli cursive. That’s not how you send an invitation. You write in Biblical font... Nobody showed up to the wedding because the invitation font looked Shvach. They thought there would be really bad food. 'Cursive Hebrew. They're probably serving falafel balls.' Get a Sofer to write the invitation. That's a wedding with lamb chops and pigs in a blanket. At least dress nicely for the wedding. You look like Shlump right now... Prepare. There’s a Mitzvah to teach children. Your kids are in school. Do they teach them anything... I was at your Seder. The little one couldn’t even do the Mah Nishtana right. Pathetic... At least teach them to shut up. That would be nice. That would help the rest of us Daven... Prepare for a funeral and don’t just think about the money... Mitchel. I know you’re getting money out of it. But it looks bad to be happy at your dad’s funeral... There are better business transactions than your dad's death. And in marriage there are precautions. How you married Thelma is messed up. No precaution. If you would've thought about the dangers of being with Thelma for seventy years... Mazel Tov on your 70th Berns. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi didn't prepare the speech. No precaution. That's why it took so long. One person said it felt like death. I think the rabbi could’ve made the annoying congregant point much quicker. He could've just said, 'You need a fence around the roof, and the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are annoying. And they have no idea how to raise kids right. Even their Bar Mitzvahs have messed up invitations.' That would've been a brilliant sermon. I don't know if the rabbi cared or didn't care about not Jewish boys. The part of the Crusades left things a bit vague. The Psak, rabbinic decree, on not being allowed to go up to the Statue of Liberty, due to the stairs, was a strong statement by our rabbi. He then went on to say that hiking is forbidden. He is now refusing to let people go camping, claiming that Jews in the wilderness is dangerous. The font did look pathetic. You’ve got to write in Biblical Hebrew style text to make an invitation look nice. Biblical font is classy. Once you start with Hebrew cursive, you know it’s going to be falafel and chumus for dinner. And why is it that every Israeli event has falafel? Can’t do a classy pargiot event?! An event with dark chicken fillet?! They eat that in Israel. They really do dress bad. I think The Chatan was wearing a cardigan. The rabbi loves pigs in a blanket. To him, that's class. The kids in the shul are crazy and violent. I saw an Oreo at Kiddish. The kid scratched and clawed at it, just to get to the filling. The kids don’t even know the word decorum. Forget Hebrew. They definitely don’t know how to say decorum in Hebrew. One woman was crying at the funeral. It was a cousin. Not very close. She hadn’t seen Hymie in over forty years. She wasn’t getting an inheritance. I believe Berns was happy for his seventieth. The rabbi wasn't. The rabbi's just thinking about how many more years he'll have to deal with Berns and Thelma. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shoftim9/8/2024
Announcements
We ask members stick to the tunes everybody knows. Nobody in our shul needs kids who just got back from Israel trying to make the membership better Jews with a tune they learned at Yeshiva. We also ask members to not bring back old tunes they liked. There’s a reason we stopped singing the Yankee Doddle Adon Olam. We ask members keep on their weight so we can still like you. Nobody likes Shloimi anymore. Since he lost weight, nobody even knows the guy. He’s a different person. The half everybody liked is gone. Now he’s talking about smoothies and kale. We apologize to any congregant that got stuck next to Shloimi at Kiddish the past month. It’s hard enjoying Kishka next to him. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Songs We Sing, Songs We Like- Unlike Baruch’s Tunes. How to Not Be Annoying After You Lost Weight. Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We need judges. This shul needs judges. People scoring how the Aliyah went, how the ark opening went... It was so slow today. The curtain took a minute to open. I’ve never seen somebody pull so slow... I understand the housing committee is worried about having to fix more damages. But pulling a string is not going to raise the cost of the leak in the roof. You give the Kohanim and Leviim stuff... Because you’re commanded, Bernie. (Devarim 18:2) They have no land. ‘H’ is his inheritance’... Money Bernie. You give them money. Food. Stuff. H' didn't give them land so they wouldn't waste all of their time comparing the size of their houses like... I’m not saying the rest of the Jews should spend their whole lives in Yeshiva. I have no idea how this got translated as that... Yes they should learn. They should learn to give a little... Good stuff. You guys give the shul your books you want to throw out. This is why H’ tells you exactly what to give the Kohens and Levis. Because you guys would give the worst stuff. Like your set of The Hardy Boys... (Devarim 18:3-4) You give the ‘forelegs, the jaw and the maw...' You give the good stuff. Everybody loves the maw. The tongue and stomach stuff is amazing... If you cook it right. Not like Sarah and the rest of the sisterhood who messes up Stella D'oros. You give ‘the first of your grain, your wine, your oil, your sheep shearing...’ H’ tells you what to give. You would give the second fruits. Maybe the fourth fruits. You’d give the second shearing... I don’t know what the second shearing is. But you would give it. Anything to save money. You gave the suggested donation for the dinner... There was an option to give $1,800 and $3,600. You gave $18... If we judged your Davening, it would’ve been judged annoying... Teaching a tune??? Baruch. You're leading Davening, not pushing tunes nobody knows. It's a sing along where nobody knows the tune. Kind of like Shacharit on a regular Shabbat... You all mess up the songs. H' doesn't tell you to sing. He tells you to pray... This is why you do what H' tells you. He doesn't tell you to drop off books at shul nobody likes. He doesn't tell you to sing songs nobody likes. Baruch. Your tune sounded like a bunch of moaning... That's what happens when our congregants get involved. Phil. Using old tunes is like pushing a new tune. Nobody knows them. They’re old. Just do the tunes they already know. They can’t even sing those right. And nobody likes the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam... That was eighty years ago, before they had guitars. H' wants religious Jews to eat well. This is why He gave the first maws... Shloimi. Nobody likes you anymore. You took off weight and nobody likes you now. I don’t know why every member over fifty has to talk about how much weight they lost. And you’re still out of shape... You lose weight and you're out of shape. And then we have to hear you talk about it. I can’t have a conversation with you anymore. I like talking to the whole you. Not the annoying half... All you have now is the judgmental half. The half Gd doesn't approve of. They will take away your membership if you lose more weight... Because you talk about it and nobody can stand it. Talk about Torah. Talk about giving something to the Levites. Maybe judge some of the other annoying members. And your house is not that big... Rivka's Rundown We’ve had that water leak in the ceiling for years. Bracha loves it. She feels like she’s praying outside. She likes the meditative connection the leak allows her. Biggest thing in shul now is to have a bigger house. It seems to be a way to show you're a better Jew. If you cover the whole lot with your house, and get rid of the grass, you're a better Jew. We're a very judgmental shul. The rabbi didn't have to suggest more judment. The congregants started holding up numbers after Aliyahs. They graded based on speed to get up there. How long Mishebeyrachs were. And if the guy had to look at the Aliyah Hebrew cheat-sheet. Yankel Moishe never got an Aliyah again. After his forty-eight person Mishebeiyrach, the Gabai chose to forget his name. Our membership gives the worst donations to our shul. For a picture for the hallway, they gave a fingerprinting. And they can’t cook right. They would mess up maw. Due to our members donating and dedicating Kiddishes, I've never had a decent maw. The rabbi needs to put out a divine list of acceptable donations. I suggested that to the board. They said they already put together the Yizkur appeal card. Who's giving more than the suggested donation? What idiots are thinking, 'I can enjoy the dinner for $18, but I do have a choice to pay $1,800.' I've never paid $1,800 for a dinner and felt that was more meaningful. I felt I had to work more the next week. The only thing Gd wanted out of that donation I gave was more prayer I will get that money back. I can’t believe they brought back the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam. I walked out. Baruch got back from Yeshiva and started doing these new tunes for Kabbalat Shabbat, thinking everybody will become more religious because of his LCha Dodi. All he got was nobody singing along. I don't know. They might have been singing along. All I heard was moaning. Why is it when they lose weight that’s all they can talk about? And then they give advice. They’ve been fat their whole lives and now they’re a diet guru. Always kale. Always talking about kale. Asking people to keep on weight wasn’t a problem. The rabbi asked and the people went back to their regular diet. The cost of Kiddish sponsorship went up. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Re'eh9/1/2024
Announcements
The Shul BBQ at the AAA Topeka Tigers game was a good time had by all. The rabbi wants you all to know he had such a great time. He felt like a nonJew. Summer is almost over. The kids are coming home. We are going to soundproof and stainproof the shul. Anybody willing to help, please call the office and let them know you will not be bringing your kids to shul. Show to work week with the rabbi was not a success this year. The rabbi wants to apologize for getting his members fired. He didn't mean to share how annoying you are with your bosses. We understand if you are not fully able to cover dues this year due to lack of employment caused by your rabbi Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Enjoy Jewish Living as a NonJew. How to Keep Your Children Out of Shul and the Rabbi Happy. How to Not Get Fired by Showing to Shul On Time. Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 11:26) H’ puts a ‘Brachas and Klalah’ in front of us. A blessing and curse... You follow the Bracha. You idiot. The only congregation that thinks the curse is the right way to go... H’ also tells us to be happy (Devarim 12:12). I haven’t seen a person here smile in years. Be happy and do Mitzvahs... I don’t know how you can do Mitzvahs and be happy with the makeup of this congregation. Somewhere must be doing this happy smiling thing... Translation of a Klalah. Being with this unhappy congregation is a Klalah. So many Mitzvot in this Parsha... Yes. Moshe repeats them, because you people never listen the first time. This is why I have to give very long sermons. Repeating myself... (Devarim 13:1) ‘Don’t diminish or add to the Mitzvahs...’ I don’t think we have to worry about adding to the Mitzvahs in our congregation. We definitely don't have to worry about people smiling more than the Halachically allotted amount of happy... Adding to curses. Yes... You have to be happy and smile so that you won't search out these weird ways you all... Meditation is crazy. Meditation leads to idol worship with your added ways of connecting... You all sitting silently so I can think is allowed. (Devarim 12:30) ‘Be aware... after they’re destroyed from before you. Lest you search their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? And I will do the same.’ The nations are destroyed and you want to follow them?! It takes a fool like our membership to follow in something that just got destroyed. Only you guys think losing is a good idea. 'Let's follow the ones who got destroyed.' You still think we should have a softball team next year... We got killed. Every game, they destroyed us. Losing 12 to 3 is not good. And that was our best game... ‘Be aware’ you need a warning, because you do stupid stuff... It should be 'Be aware. Dog on premises. Don't follow the idol worshippers.' Anything stupid, you guys try it. Pickleball. Evey one of you has to give it a go. Never tennis. Pickleball. Curse comes from serving false gods. Trying to find happiness elsewhere... Finally, a decent event at this shul. The yearly baseball game with a BBQ at the ballpark was amazing. I felt like a Goy. That’s my goal... Bernie. You think like a Goy. You have a Goyisha Cupp. It was a good game because we weren't watching the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Savages play softball. You have never hit a homerun. Never hit more than a single... How do you call yourselves 'Savages' and lose by nine? It just makes it more pathetic. And you even have a cheer. You did that New Zealand rugby dance and screamed 'Savages,' and struck out. The whole side struck out the first inning. In a softball game!!! Watching the Savages get destroyed. I found myself rooting for the nonJews... Because they destroyed you... No. You don’t dress like a nonJew. Dressing like a Goy is Asur. Serving that way of life. That gets you destroyed... Enjoying a baseball game like a Goy is Gazunta. That's permissible... You even cursed at the baseball game. Shame on you. Your children are crazy. They’re crazy people. Maniacs. Not a blessing. Best way to help with the future of our community is to not bring your kids to shul ever. That will ensure the perpetuation of our people. Best is if your kids never come to shul... Ever. If they're out of your house, you can't control them anymore. That's not on you... It would be better they didn't come then too. You guys are annoying. A curse... Because you cause others to not be happy. First, you shift all the time. That’s why I don’t sit next to any of you. I sit all the way up here, on the Bima stage, because you’re seat shifters. You guys are always moving around, trying to get more space... If you came at me with those armrest elbows, fighting my elbows off the rest, I'd whack you... Don't blame your rabbi for your problems at work. You show up late to Minyin. Your bosses should know that... Next time, just bring your kids to work. Those annoying things will get you fired. Just let your boss see how you don't watch over your children when they're running around the boss's office... Why is there a kid up on the Bima again?! Is there a parent here? Parents? Anybody watching over their kids???!!! You lost your job. I get why you can’t pay dues. We also understand that not working ever, because you are learning Torah is not a good way to bring in the bucks. That's my fault... Shlomo. You don’t learn. Wanting to learn is not a reason to not get a job. Happiness is the blessing. And you have to find that blessing through Mitzvahs and being happy. Not cursing people... A big Mazel to our Chatan and Kallah. Your uncle is a loser. A total loser... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said nothing positive. Just told him how messed up his uncle is. It was a curse for his Ufruf. People in our shul love to curse. They feel it’s cathartic. Not one person has ever given somebody a Bracha. Just a curse. The Chasan's dad came up to the Bima and said, ‘Don’t be like your uncle. A bum...’ And then the father of the groom smiled and walked off the Bima. Gleaming with pride. The chance he was given to curse out a family member brought him much Nachis. The most used curse by our congregants is, 'You're a good for nothing.' They say it's a curse. I find it to be an honest accounting of most of our membership. One lady always says, 'You should and live and be well.' That's a hurtful curse. Anything positive out of Ethel's mouth means she hates you and never wants to see you again. I would say one out of every three sermons gets disturbed by a random parentless toddler on the Bima. The shul softball team calls themselves the Savages and they've never hit more than a single. Watching our members play softball is almost as pathetic as watching them get an Aliyah, looking down at the Barchu text. They love the professional sports outings. The goal of our congregation is to be as nonJewish as possible. This is why they started serving pigs in a blanket at Kiddish. Facts be told, I can live as a nonJew if it consists of pigs in a blanket. There is nothing kinder than telling a local community member that their child looks not Jewish. At a Bris, you should say, ‘Look at him. So good looking. Looks like a Shaygitz.’ Never set anybody in our community up with a Jew. They won’t go out. Only time they’ll consider a blind-date is if you tell the guy, ‘She looks gorgeous. She looks like a Shigtza.’ The rabbi forbade meditation. Though he did make it clear that he would like peace and quiet. I don't believe anybody likes hearing their kid is not a blessing. Congregants approached the rabbi at Kiddish about calling their children 'not blessings.' The rabbi pacified them, reminding them that he didn't call them a curse. Then the rabbi pointed to the children's table with smushed cake toppings all over their faces and shirts. The rabbi is trying to keep people out of shul. That's his real goal. Kids is a good way to start. The kids truly scare people. They tried childproofing the shul, but kids still came. They even put a safety gate around the women’s section to keep kids out. That led to a lot more crying outside of the sanctuary. The rabbi suggested that next time it's just going to be 'bring your kids to work day.' He doesn't want to be blamed for the congregants getting fired because they talk during his sermon again. The rabbi did take back saying that Jack talks during Davening to his boss. Though, Jack's boss said he hates him too. The rabbi giving the How to Not Get Fired class, when he got them fired, was a bit much. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Ekev8/25/2024
Announcements
Banging the table is going to stop. We heard Val whack the wood and we all thought it was Rosh Chodesh. It was a fly, and he seemed very angry at it. We’ve spoke to him, and told him to calm down with his prayers. We’ve sent Shmuel to anger management. We ask members bring better Yahrzeit cake. People are now questioning if they should come to Minyin. We ask you commemorate the passing of your family with a moist babka. We ask that not all members jump in when there’s a complaint, though we understand you enjoy it. There is no greater joy than telling people they stink. We, the board, understand that. However, we are losing important people in the congregation because of this joy of telling people off in group form. We lost another Layner. The Torah reader ran from shul when one guy corrected his ‘VaYomer,’ which was followed by the other members of the shul booing him and throwing candies at him. There will be no more giving Bar Mitzvah guys their Parsha. It’s painful having to hear these guys go through puberty every year. Halacha Classes: How to Get Out Your Anger on Rosh Chodesh By Hitting Things. How to Chase Potential Membership Away From the Shul. How to Never Advance After Your Bar Mitzvah: How to Layn One Parsha the Rest of Your Life Like Simcha. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 9:6) ‘And you should know that not because of your righteousness H”, your Gd, gives you this good Land to possess it, for you're a stiff-necked people.’ Very stiff-necked. No agility in this congregation. Very poor movement... That’s where your anger comes from. I just heard a crick. Bernie’s neck again. A very stiff-necked congregation... Of course it's Israel. Name another good land... Illionois has some good land. Nice grass. OK... You've accomplished nothing. That's what Moshe is saying. What have you done to deserve a decent babka? What? It’s for your ancestors... It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov that we get Israel and some good moist yeast cake. It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov!!! You guys mess up. You remember the golden calf?!... No. It’s not because of you. It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. H liked them. Not you... (Devarim 9:5) ‘In order to establish the word that H’ swore to your forefathers...’ Yes. That’s Avraham Yitzchak and Yaakov... At least H' sticks to His word. The board hasn't given me a raise in years... It's not because of you. A nothing. A not help. Nothing you do is useful. For you? Exile. That's what's from you. You've done nothing. Stiff necks. I see a bunch of stiff necks here. Let's take a moment and stretch... Moshe reminds them what H' did for them in the desert (Devarim 8:2-4). 'Your garments did not wear out upon you and your feet did not swell up these 40 years.' And our congregants with the disheveled look. Is the untuck the new look in the shul? Unlaundered sports jackets. Unshined shoes... I'm sure their shoes were nicer than Pinny's. Even in the desert they got a better shine with the sand... Yes. You bring a sports jacket to the cleaners once in a while. H' had a better laundering service in the desert. H'. It's Him who redeems. You think H’ wants to redeem a people that bangs tables??? You'd break everything Kibbutz Lavi makes. What was with the bang? How much force do you need to kill a fly?... You’ve got to calm down with the table banging. The table Klopping is scary. And there was no reason... It’s not even Rosh Chodesh. Even if it is Rosh Chodesh, you don’t have to scare people into prayer. How much do you hate flies that you have to come down that hard?... You missed the thing. Even on Rosh Chodesh you scare people. How hard do you have to hit a table to remind people to say YaAleh vYavo?! From now on, we'll have signs. The anger expressed through coaching others to pray is way too much... A people that doesn’t show respect to their ancestors. Bringing a sponge cake??? It was a pathetic Yahrzeit... I’m not suggesting to celebrate a Yahrzeit with a kegger. But a little bit of schnapps and a decent cake. It was sponge cake and doughnut holes. Not even the full doughnut... Their holes. But you're willing to attack others. Whenever there’s a complaint, the whole shul jumps in. We lost the Layner because one guy corrected him and then the rest of you blamed him for your mortgage going up. We lost him because of you. That was because of you. The excitement of blaming somebody is manifest. I have never seen people so happy to yell at an somebody who's helping them... You yelled at the guy for no reason. It's like you're addicted to blaming people. You get an itch. I saw you twitching until you yelled at the Layner... No. Shmuel. You're the reason the chairs broke. I've seen you smack chairs when you didn't have tables to hit... Your like dogs pouncing. Any chance you have to gang up... Candy throwing as a sign of disapproval should only be done at Bar Mitzvahs... Layining was painful today. Worse than our Chazin... I didn’t think that was possible. The Longest Layning. Every Parshat Ekev. It’s like having to hear this guy get Bar MItzvahed again. Every year... Ekev is long to begin with. You shouldn't Bar Mitzvah people this week. I have to hear Bar Mitzvah speed every year from this guy... With the way you Layn, we would've never made it to Israel. Our whole people would've been stuck. You would think Max would know how to read Hebrew by now... If you can't Layn another Parsha, you are not allowed to do your Parsha. You cause exile... Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi blamed our congregants for the golden calf. I think Moshe is mad he didn't go to Israel. At least the membership knows H' doesn't like them. I believe the rabbi reiterated that a bunch. Always inspiring lessons from our rabbi. I believe the lesson of the sermon was we don't deserve Israel. But we do deserve to have to deal with annoying people leading Davening and Layning. I believe Max had a heart attack last year due to Rosh Chodesh Davening. It was the banging. The doctor said it was Shmuel's banging. Reminding Max to say YaAleh vYavo sent him to the ICU. Baruch Moshe brought Entenmann’s for the Yahrzeit. It was sad and pathetic. One congregant even said that nobody gets an Aliyas Nishama with Entenmann’s. He suggested fresh baked goods and 20-year-old schnapps to help with an Aliyas Nishama. The rabbi brought doughnuts to show everybody what a true doughnut looks like in full form. Baruch Moshe took credit for the doughnuts and said it was because of him the rabbi brought them. He acknowledged how good doughnuts are in non-cheap form, saying they should be for an Aliyas Nishama. They truly go after people. Whenever there's a complaint they all jump in. It’s like an old British court with thousands of people yelling, 'Bew!!! Bew!!!' I think they just like getting out their anger. Not everybody can hit like Shmuel. He's truly a scary guy. They don’t even have to agree. One parent suggested we start a soccer league for the children. Another parent said, ‘What are you talking about?!’ No reason for the attitude. It was a good idea. Next thing I saw, the whole group of parents ws yelling at the woman, ‘Are you an idiot?! Who comes up with ideas like that?!!!! You fool!!!’ Layning was painful. Everybody agreed with the rabbi's rule that if you can't Layn other Parshas, you can't do your Bar Mitzvah Parsha. It was the first thing the congregation agreed on since moist babka. And he expected a gift. He does a painful Layning and he expects gifts. He doesn't want candy thrown at him. Just gifts. Forty years after his Bar Mitzavah, he still does that long ‘Amen!’ The how to chase potential members away from the shul class was given by the membership. Tags:
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Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms. End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come. Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code. Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat... For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona... (Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created. After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares... I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week... People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance... No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing... It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or... It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic. If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas... The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere... Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it... When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form. Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them. People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings... Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal. It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness... These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could. A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it... He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah. We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you... Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away. The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit. The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim. I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima. I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members. The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle. I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities. After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues. The rabbi truly does not like aerobics. Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.' The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying. Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more. Tags:
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Announcements
Speaker from Israel will be here this week to tell you shouldn't be here. The rabbi felt it important the congregants hear this message. We are asking congregants to smile. That might help people feel like they are liked. That might help bring some peace this Tisha BAv. As the fast will be happening and our members get worried when they skip a meal, the shul will have a doctor with an IV on-site. Shul aerobic classes will start next week. We understand our membership is very out of shape. This is why we‘re hosting aerobics classes at shul. Our members can’t keep up with the ninety-year-olds at the gym. The JCC asked our members stop coming due to their breathing patterns. For the same reason, the rabbi is asking people to stop Davening the Amidah. The breathing is too loud during the silent prayer. The Israel support meeting will happen this week. We are going to focus on meetings, as we know people will not give money. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Move to Israel and Leave Our Shul. How to Not Look Like You’re Mad at Everyone. How to Not Breathe Like You’re About to Pass Out. How to Do More than Start a Committee. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Let me summarize Moshe’s words. ‘I detest you as people...’ No. He didn’t have to deal with congregants of this shul. (Devarim 1:25-28) Moshe tells them the spies, the good ones, came back and said the land was good. ‘Took in their hands from the fruit...’ It was good fruit. Ever had an Israeli kumquat?!... I don’t know if they brought those, but they’re good. ‘The land is good, and you didn’t want to go. You were like members of Anshei Emes uSefilah who didn’t go on the shul trip. You rebelled H’ like the Chazin who takes a really long time to finish the repetition of the Amidah. And you slandered like the Pinskowitzs who don’t appreciate their rabbi...’ I'm paraphrasing Moshe. I don't know if he knew Bernie. Point is you slander when you do something wrong. It starts with a little thing, like comfort and then it turns into hate and fear. And then you don’t want to visit Israel and United cancels their flights.... It’s about taking that plunge. Being in Israel is the right thing. It's a good land. But you all have excuses. And those excuses turn to fear. And fear turns into your rabbi having to deal with Bernie and Fran. Kiddishes that have nothing more than Kichel... The guest speaker is right. You should be in Israel... If his speeches are successful, you won't be here... You still have to pay dues... (Devarim 1:29-30) Moshe reminds them that he told them, ‘Do not be broken and do not fear them. H’... He will make war for you like all he did for you in Mitzrayim.’ You forget. You forget how H' protects you. You forget the shul Shabbaton where I kicked out the Chazin for singing too much... I did that for you. And I will do that on the shul trip to Israel... A relationship is destroyed when you don’t remember. No trust. And that is why your members of the shul and not of my family... It's an outlook. It's fear which builds up with much time of forgetting H'. You forget H' and you start to come up with excuses for being annoying members. Then you hate... At least you cause a lot of hatred. When you tell the bad jokes, Sim... You depress people here. So depressing in this place... Giving a sermon to you... When you snarl at people, they think you don't like them... That's not an excuse. To say that anger is your regular look is not an excuse. You're the reason for hatred. Let's try to smile together... Your smiles truly do look bad. The look of depression is more fitting our congregants... Please stop interrupting the sermon. The loud breathing in a listening state of our congregants is disturbing... I couldn't even focus on the Amidah. Your breathing kills Kavanah... The Amidah should be no saying the words out loud or breathing. This congregation is too out of shape to Daven. The back left is too out of shape to pray for good health. It's messed up. I'm shocked you can even make it to shul... The aerobics classes are Zoomba... So, they’re Asur. I don’t know. So, they're just for women. I just know you can’t go Bernie... It’s for women only. I’ve seen you looking at the women’s side at the weddings recently. You want to chase the women away from aerobics too???... I think they’re doing Zoomba there. Not sure... You don't need to bring your own step. We have steps in the sanctuary, on the way up to the Aron Kodesh. The Bima in front of the ark has a lot of stairs... You fear even losing your money... You're worried about your retirement... You should retire to Israel... I know it costs more. At least give money to Israel... Money is also a form of giving. I know nobody in this shul believes that you can do more than be part of a committee... You can make decisions for good without a meeting. You don't need to be part of a board to participate in showing up to Shacharit on time... Having a meeting does not mean you did anything... Yes. I said it... I didn't say to give money to the Federation. The Federation is in Topeka, not Israel. How do you give to Israel when you're giving to Topeka??? It's all about fear. The reason you don't want to go to Israel. It's fear. It's fear because you forgot H'. You forgot H' and you remembered your money. And you forgot my class on repentance last week... Nobody showed for that... Stop crying about Tisha BAv. Cry for the destruction of our people. Cry for a day where people are in good enough shape to not dusturb my Davening. The Federation... Calm down with the Kinot. Lamentations are not more painful than the fast... I know nobody understands them. You're not supposed to understand prayer. That's why we call it Tefillah... (Devarim 1:37) Moshe tells the people, ‘It’s because of you I am not going to Israel.’ And you are why we had to cancel the shul stay in the Citadel Hotel... I will do a Kinah about that. Rivka's Rundown As the rabbi said, it’s this fear that keeps us out of Israel. It’s the lack of trust in H’. This is the reason why the rabbi hasn't had a decent shawarma in two years. The rabbi said everybody in the shul is full of fear. The congregants fear showing up to shul on time. They fear they might have to pray. Everybody fears the Chazin might show up. The whole of the membership fears smiling. Rabbi brought in somebody from Israel to tell us he wants us out of Topeka. I think he is trying to get rid of the congregation and using the Torah to do it. The Israel message the speaker was giving over was right and I agree. We should be in Israel. But the following week with the rabbi told us we should move to Montreal. I am still trying to figure out if the rabbi cares about Israel or not having to deal with Bernie. I don't know how still paying dues after moving to Israel makes sense. Truth is our shul has raised no money for Israel the past year. I believe we're the only congregation to give nothing. Fear will definitely keep your money in Topeka. Our shul truly is the most depressing place to go. It’s always a Tisha BAv feeling in our shul. That’s the ambiance we’re going for. The Tisha BAv kind of ambiance. Smiling doesn't help. The rabbi brought in a dentist. The dentist said he can't do anything about the smiles. Suggested it's better the congregation doesn't smile. For a second opinion the rabbi brought in an orthodontist. The orthodontist felt so bad. He said it will depress people more if the congregants smiled. He ended up giving a donation to shul, feeling so bad that he might have had something to do with the disgusting teeth and hygiene of the community. Dr. Friedberg, the orthodontist, is now in therapy, post traumatic teeth of Anshei Emes uSefilah disorder. I believe the Dr. Friedberg fears coming back to our shul. When asked why they haven't been to an orthodontist, every man in the back left said, 'I haven't even paid my dues.' We need to lose weight. The breathing is off in our shul. Aerobics will help. I didn't understand why we needed Zoomba classes. Then the rabbi pointed to Shimon and said, 'That's what you look like when you dance the Hora.' Fast Davening can help with the aerobic aspects of Davening. We need more people focusing on the sitting and standing. More of an aerobic focus. More circling around the shul with the Torha. The kid chasing in shul is good aerobics. I still think more Simcha dancing can help. Just nobody wants to go to more weddings. With the due, wedding gifts and trips the rabbi is suggesting, nobody in our congregation will ever be able to afford and orthodontist. The rabbi's words of not understanding Kinot were greatly appreciated by all. They finally understood why they come to shul and pray in Hebrew that is not Biblical or modern. They get so worried in our shul about not eating on a fast day, Chana Leah printed up a Kinah (lamentation) about not eating for twenty-five hours. She insisted everybody read it along with the Kinot about the destruction of the Temples and the genocide of our people. The part about 'Oh. To thine cheese that hasth melted. Werehast thy goneth,' was quite touching. The Jewish Federation now hates our rabbi. They told him that money raised for Israel should go to Israelis in America. And then the rabbi said, 'Having a meeting doesn't mean you did anything.' That hurt the congregants as a whole. Now the board that hasn't put in money for a paint job in the shul for the past thirty-five years is questioning what being Jewish is about. To quote Shaindel, a committee member who is part of every committee, 'What is Judaism without committees?' Meetings need more action was not a message that spoke to our congregants. They feel like they’re giving by talking with their friends. Which is true if you're unemployed. At the Israel support meeting the congregants were adamant that they will do anything and give anything but money. After much deliberation, they decided wanted to give by having more meetings. Tisha BAv services in shul were very long. The rabbi talked for hours during the Kinot services about the Temple being destroyed because of hatred of fellow man, and how we should use the day to internalize peace amongst our people. With the long prayers and the long fast mixed together, people got very antsy. Fights broke out. Much fear of having to hear the rabbi talk more was expressed by the congregation. Tags:
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The front lock to the shul is now good for use on Shabbis. Many people have asked how they can break in during non-office hours. Now, with Hebrew, you can break in even on Shabbis. And you won’t be breaking the laws of Shabbis as you do on your way home. We’re honoring the Schonefelds for being the most classy members of our congregation. They have not eaten at Kiddish all year. That's class. The rabbi has decided that he will be learning the laws of Shabbat with the congregants at Shalishudis. He said it is at the point that the congregants should know how to sin with more Kavanah. We are looking for sponsors of the Chumashim we already bought. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Use a Lock By Knowing Hebrew: Breaking Into Shul Would Be A Good Thing For Some of You. How to Not Eat at Kiddish and Look Like a Normal Human Who’s Relaxed Around Choolante: Not Hurting the Elderly for Kugel. How to Raise More Money Off Something You Already Raised Money On. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s been two long Parshas... I don’t know why they put them together. It was probably somebody in this shul. The president likes making things painful for everybody. The real question is if Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe did the right thing staying on the other side of the Jordan. Not entering Israel... If the Pinskowitz family stayed in Iowa and didn’t move to Topeka, I think we would have all been fine with that... (Bamidbar 32:6-15) Moshe compares it to the Meraglim (spies), letting them know that not going the full way can cause the destruction of the people... I don't think we've ever had a successful community trip to Israel. Every trip gets cancelled due to safety... Look at this community. The fact that it's here, in Topeka. Destroyed. This is what happens when you don't move to Israel. Bernie... Do you not like Israel?... Sending money is not enough. I've seen how much you donate to the shul. Israel can't survive on falafel balls for dinner every night... (Bamidbar 32:17-19) They commit. ‘We will arm ourselves ... we shall return to our homes until the Children of Israel will have inherited...’ No matter how disconnected they were, Reuven and Gad knew they had to fight with their people. This congregation shares the characteristics of the tribes of Gad and Reuven. This shul is very disconnected. If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos-Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. I also feel like it's still going on... Because you're still talking like it's in the middle of Torah reading. At least show respect for the sermon... He's still trying to find Matos. Matos goes into Masai... Masai Yistimu HaPeh Shelahem (I think this means shut up)... The only difference is the members of this shul never help... Even inter-shul baseball play was a failure this year. Again. Because nobody backed up the plate... Nobody is ever there to help. You always overthrow... One thing that is not deniable. They were there to fight Are we fighting with our brethren now?!... Posting to war on Facebook is not the same as... You lost a friend on Facebook. Stop saying you lost a friend... This guy is still fighting for more safety in shul. Sometimes it's not about just your safety. It's about everybody... How much safety do you need? A Shabbis lock is still a locked door... It's called a Shabbis lock because you can use it on Shabbis. If I have to explain this one more time. It's not to keep Shomer Shabbis Jews out. It's so that you can use it on Shabbis... You don't even keep Shabbis. The shul Shabbis lock with transliterated Hebrew is not safe. If half of our congregants can get in on Shabbis, there is something wrong with the code... Antifa doesn't read Hebrew. Except for Molly in the far-right section over there... That's you under that mask, terrorizing Jewish students. Still convinced that part of hating Jews is attacking them... Hating your fellow Jew is more about complaining about how they had a bad Kiddish for their son's Bar Mitzvah... Beforehand you were using an electric pad on Shabbat... No. That’s not good... Then learn Hebrew. We don’t want random people who need transliteration. We have enough congregants stuck on transliterating... It's not a left-wing thing to support transliteration... It should be an incentive to learn Hebrew. If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos and Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. Learn to read Hebrew pages. I still don't know why we can't get Chumashim that have numbers that are not in Hebrew letters. Nobody is trying to break into a Chumash... The Schonefelds are classy. That do stuff for the Jewish people... That’s class. Stuffing your face with free choolante and babka is not class. Class is not eating at Kiddish. It's simple. You don't eat at Kiddish. You stand and talk. You're classy. Classy people don't eat in public... Taking a plate of Kichel home is the next level of non-classy. Smart and economic. Great way to get something out of your dues. Not classy. What do we learn? We have to choose correctly, or we might cause the destruction of our people. 'What do we learn' is the question... Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata is a Sefer about the laws of Shabbis. I don't think anybody cares about that... You break those laws all the time. Anybody want to learn about how they are sinners? So, Misilat Yesharim?... Nobody knows what that is?! Then why did you vote for it???!!! I think we’ll just learn Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. You guys have no idea how to vote... You voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata four times last week... Because you forgot each time. You forgot you voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. Then you voted for it again. Then I checked to make sure that's what you wanted, and you didn’t raise your hand again. The next time I asked, to be sure, Mark asked, 'What's that?' I explained. 'That's the one about Shabbis. The one you just voted for.' Mark says, ‘Oh. I want that one’... Watching you guys make decisions for the community is watching the destruction of our people. I'll choose... The Schonefelds didn't vote. Class... Yes. We bought the Chumashim already with donation monies. But does that mean we shouldn’t have somebody paying for them again... That’s the point of the sponsor. I haven’t had a raise in... Rivka's Rundown That’s how I judge a classy person. If they don’t eat at Kiddish, they’re classy. The rabbi got cheers when he said, ‘It's been two long Parshas.’ The congregants finally felt like somebody heard them. The rabbi is correct. Nobody ever helps. If congregants helped, maybe we would see our shul with a better softball team. A non-destroyed team. I have no idea why we're called the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Lions. Nobody in our congregation is talented enough to come up with a cheer that long. We should just be called the Lions. It's also embarrassing to go through the shul's name and to be associated which such an untalented squad. We've lost a lot of potential members when people found out the Lions were part of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. I heard one potential member say, 'They are definitely not praying for health.' Shlomo didn't even make it to first base on that walk. Truth is, I don't think our membership would be of any help in war. Not even standing on the sides cheering them on. Now you can only break into the shul if you know Hebrew. They didn’t even use script on the lock. It’s the Hebrew font you see on the computer. The rabbi was right about the safety thing. These people care so much about their own safety. They forget about their people. If Jews can't break into a shul on Shabbis, do we have a community?! We have happy people. But not community. People didn't want to learn about how they are sinners. They were worried that was going to push them to have an internal wanting to learn Shemirat Shabbat KHilchata. They figured that if they just learned the Shabbis Sefer they wouldn't get guilted into learning something else. It took a while to decide what we learn. A few weeks ago, we decided, and then we decided again four times on the next vote where we forgot we already decided to learn about Shabbat. The rabbi decided and he finally started this Shabbat. Finally, the rabbi opened up the Sefer and started learning. We all just watched. We didn’t learn a thing. We just watched. I thought the idea was to learn this together at Shalishudis. Zalman, the one congregant full of pride for his rabbi, announced, ‘In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' It seems our congregants like the act of voting. They like the idea that they're part of the decision-making process. No idea what's going on, but they still vote. This is why they voted on the Shabbis lock with letters they can't read. Having to hear them complaining and blaming the shul for them not being able to read Hebrew was painful. The shul did whatever they can to make it easier to break in. In the end, they wrote the code in Roman numerals. Now we're sponsoring shul days. We sponsor everything now. It feels like every day is Yom Kippur. Sponsored Chumashim??? Somebody already bought them. Now they're getting somebody to donate them again. They paid for the Chumashim and now somebody has to pay for them again. They get me every time with these sponsorships. I sponsored Kiddish two weeks ago to find out somebody else also lost a grandparent. It's a scam. From now on, I'm going to sponsor on a contingency. I eat so much at Kiddish, just to get my money’s worth. I’m not classy. The class on how to raise more money by raising money for something you already raised money for was a huge success. It turned into a panel with every board member who shared a different angle on how to take money from people for an organization that doesn't need it. I don't think anything can destroy our shul. Our community is so messed up already. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Pinchas7/28/2024
Announcements
Please be nice to the kids visiting for the summer song choir program. You may not want to invite them for Shabbat lunch, as they will want to sing Zemirot. Nonetheless, smile at them. They're not used to seeing angry older people. They have hope. For shul renovations we’re asking congregants to go to other shuls. Do not say the whole Monday or Thursday Tachnun. You will rightfully be hated by the congregation.The rabbi has stated that skipping prayers is fine, especially if you’re the Chazin. As long as you don’t slow down the congregation you won’t be hated. We are asking people to come together and protest the Gabai. Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Three Weeks of Mourning and How Our Congregants Caused It. How to Do Renovations to Draw Members to Your Shul By Telling Them To Go To Other Shuls. How to Lead Davening Like Yankel and Make People Late To Work. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. After a plague there’s a new census... We should’ve done a census after the wet Kugel Kiddish affliction... It was disgusting... (Bamidbar 26:54) ‘For the numerous one increase his inheritance, and for the fewer one you shall lessen...’ Than have more kids. Rashi teaches the amount of land was divided according to the numbers. The places were divided through Ruach HaKodesh... It doesn’t take divine inspiration to count members of a tribe. The way Moishie does his math. The worst third grader I’ve ever seen. Can’t even lineup Popsicle sticks right. It would be divine intervention for that kid to add ice pop holders... Why more for the greater numbers? Sometimes, people need space... I sit up here, on the Bima, because I am trying to get away from the congregants... It’s about fairness sometimes... I don't know what that means. But it's about it. Fairness. When you’re part of a community, there is fairness... Tzelafchad’s daughters stated (Bamidbar 27:3) ‘Our father died in the wilderness (was not part of Korach’s crew), and he had no sons. Why should the name of our father be omitted from within his family, because he has no sons? Give us an inheritance among our father’s brothers.’ We all know that sons are not always a blessing. Look at the Lefkowitz sons. Sitting in the back left of the shul... I don't know Tzelafchad very well... And this is how women got the vote. This is how women served in the army. And this is why the sisterhood refuses to help with Kiddish... Then why do we have a sisterhood?... You take up space. You should do something. Fairness. We must separate correctly. We must be just in how we divide what we do in this congregation. That is how we unify. Space. Not sitting next to Bernie... We have a responsibility to each other. Like the daughters of Tzelafchad brought to our attention. We all deserve our spot in the community... Not if you're annoying. The responsibilities of the congregants... You have a responsibility to smile. To at least not depress everybody. You need somebody to tell you to smile at people... They’re kids at a singing camp. They’re not used to seeing angry Jews... or Jews that go to shul. Count the angry people here. Each angry person is less numerous a member... That was Biblical English. Translated. You chase away members. You make people not want a portion in this shul... Because you're angry. Tzelafchad’s daughters deserve a place to live... They didn't mess up the land with their renovations like Malkie... Renovating the membership was my idea. I did not suggest to renovate the whole place and kick people out... That’s how you lose members. We don't even need renovations to chase away members. They just have to meet the board... A lot of anger. When they partitioned the land, it was a beautiful moment. People were happy they had a piece of Israel. Nobody is happy in this shul because nobody smiles and Davening takes so long. Nobody says the full Monday and Thursday Tachnun, except you. I've timed it... It’s fine. Skipping Tachnun is fine. You would get no land. Nobody would want to listen to you. You even said the full Brich Shemey... You skip to Bei Ana Rachitz. Everybody skips to Bei Ana Rachitz... You get to the song. Nobody understands the Tefillah anyways, Baruch... Will anybody take Pinchas’ place and hurt the Gabai... If there was more space. If I didn't have to see the congregants... At this point, I want to thank the board for kicking everybody out of the shul for renovations. Sometimes it's about more than numbers. I'm trying to make a point. Any daughters of Tzelafchad willing to help out here... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi is truly trying to get away from us. He even moved the Chazin's seat down to the general men's section. Put the Chazin and the president right next to Bernie. Now they have huge tall back chairs with gigantic armrests on each side of Bernie. It looks off. Though, the rabbi is happy he has space, and he doesn't need to be near anybody. They haven’t smiled at a guest in years. The rabbi is right. People run from these depressed people in our shul. I appreciated the rabbi letting the congregants know not to ruin the hope of Jewish children with meeting our congregants. You don't want to see Bernie smile. He's been smoking cigars for eighty years. I didn’t invite the choir kids for Shabbis. I can’t stand extended Zemirot with harmony. What was that shul renovation announcement? Are they truly looking to renovate the membership? Nothing was said about an amount of time. It seemed to just be an announcement to not see congregants ever. The idea of asking congregants to go to other shuls didn’t pan out well. The board was trying to figure out why we lost so many members. They scaled back the renovations from last week to just be scrolls. Some board members suggested they still renovate the rabbi. One guy leading services once said the whole Thursday extended Tachnun. He got booed. You skip certain Tefillahs. Everybody who goes to shul knows that. Only people who don't pray say the whole thing. Tefillahs you skip: The long Tachnun That Rosh Chodesh thing after Shir Shel Yom VYiten LCha Anything on Yom Kippur other than the Amidah Brich Shemey Wednesday Shir Shel Yom People can’t stand the Gabai. I don't know what he did to deserve a protest against him. He might have told someone they can't come up for an Aliyah to the Torah if they haven't been called. Tags:
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Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school. As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal. It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit. We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes... When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie. The question is who sees the sword... Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you... And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima... (Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters... (Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’ Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you. When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals. (22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock. This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten... It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking... The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important... Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast... The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot... Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery. We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that. 'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance. The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse. He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping. Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul. They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board. The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement. When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee. Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president. I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish. They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul. That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent. The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent. The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody. Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me. How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough. Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Chukat7/14/2024
Announcements
Single people are still at shul. Please invite them for something. They’re lonely and pathetic. They need your help. When you see a single person, think Chesed. Chesed and Rachmanis. Kids are away at camp. We feel that is important to announce. We just wanted to bring a bissel Simcha to everybody. We want to wish the Bar Mitzvah boy a Mazel Tov, though none of his friends are here. They’re at camp. We expect people with migraines to come to Minyin. There is no Mitzvah to not do Mitzvahs because you have a migraine. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Look at a Single Person in a Way that Lets Them Know They Need Help. How to Extend Camp for Another Two Months So the Rabbi Can Get a Cookie at Kiddish Too. How to Wish Mazel Tov to a Kid Who’s Celebrating a Bar Mitzvah at Shul when All His Friends are at Camp Enjoying Themselves. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 20:5) The people complain again. It’s like having to deal with Bernie and Rachel. Can’t go a week without complaining... ‘No water. No pomegranates...’ It’s like a board meeting. They would complain about pomegranates... Water I get. Who needs pomegranates? You’re starving and the one thing that comes to mind is pomegranates. They want to stain their shirts in the desert... Stains don’t come out in the desert. You request mangoes. It’s like the sisterhood were the ones complaining to Moshe... You always choose the worst stuff for Kiddish... (Bamidbar 20:10-11) ‘Listen now or rebels. Shall we bring forth water for you from this rock?’ Complainers are rebels. Which is why I call the members of the board, rebels. Moshe hits the rock and they drink. It's not that simple when the sisterhood doesn't head to Aldi to pick up cola for Kiddish... Even Summit Cola would quench my thirst after listening to you complain... It's the pinnacle of a decent price. Why did Moshe hit the rock? He had to deal with a board. I’ve been at meetings and I’ve hit the treasurer... (20:12) Then Moshe and Aharon are told they can’t bring the Jews into Israel... Yes. I am going over the whole story, because this congregation has messed up my life. Held me back from Aliyah... (Bamidbar 20:13) Bitter waters. That’s what these waters are called. I call Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah a bitter shul... No. Topeka just has bad water. It's the sewer system. Nothing is good enough for this congregation. You remember the time I took everybody on the whitewater rafting trip and we forgot food. Complaints... At least you had fun rafting... You complain and this is why I can’t get away for a little summer vacation. You’re rebels. You make me want to hit stuff... Because you do everything wrong... What do you want us to say? Single people love life?!... The divorcees are more pathetic. You want them to know that they're a Rachmanis. They should feel their pity. It's the way you invite them. You want to make it bitter. It's that look of pathetic sadness, where you bring you lips together and tilt your head... The head tilt makes people feel like they're a Rachmanis... It helps add to their bitterness... It's because you focus on the negative. You're not single. There's no reason to focus on negative... H’ does give us blessings. The kids are away at camp... Yes. I want a glazed sugar cookie too. I love the hard sugar frosting... Those little rebels take it all. Who plans a Bar Mitzvah for the summer? None of the kids are here... It’s your fault. You’re the only people who don’t try to get rid of your kids for the summer... Now. I'm not calling up Winny... And now you’re complaining about migraines. The Jews in the desert didn’t even complain about migraines... Migraines are not an excuse to not come to shul. What is a migraine anyways. It's a headache. I get migraines from this congregation all every day... Because you're rebels. I hear you talk and I want to hit stuff. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always gets mad at the sisterhood for messing up Kiddish. They pick the worst fruit. We had cantaloupe the other week. And they also had pomegranates. It wasn’t even Rosh Hashana. Everybody was walking around with a stained shirt. And they were not pre-peeled pomegranates. There was no chance shirts wouldn't get stained. They could've at least handed out aprons for pomegranate peeling. The rabbi blamed the shul for his not moving to Israel. He blamed it on making a decent salary. Calling Sadie a rebel was a bit of a stretch. I think the most she did was show up to a Bat Mitzvah where the girl's father took a shot of Glenlivet. The rabbi believes he’s helping the single people by letting them know how sad their lives are. He suggests it encourages them to get married. It definitely gets them crying during Musaf. I think the single people don't like being a Rachmanis. One woman just stood there staring right at a single person. She didn't even have to say the girl was a pity. The woman started pouting, leaned her head, while staring at the single, and then started crying herself. The rabbi commended the woman on her ability to let the single girls know they're a Rachmanis. He said the single people truly felt that look of patheticness. Never seen the rabbi so happy. He didn’t have to see kids and he got his cookies at Kiddish. The kids didn’t steal them all before he got there. The rabbi loves the smilie face cookies. Usually he has to berate a child to get one. The rabbi loves the cookies with the yellow hard frosted smilie face. He said you can't have belief in H' when you never get one of those. The selfishness of the children is rebelliousness. The rabbi even hit the Kiddish table once, when he didn't get his cookie. The rabbi refused to call up the Bar Mitzvah boy for the traditional intimate blessing speech. It turns out the Bar Mitzvah boy was fine with that. The rabbi truly didn’t understand why somebody wouldn’t get rid of their kids for a summer if they could. He tried running a summer camp for congregants, just to get rid of the members. I started telling people I have a migraine. Nobody cares if you have a headache. Tags:
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Announcements
In honor of the 4th of July, we are going to get rid of our Chazin. We feel it’s time the shul had their independence. The Antifa protest at the school dinner wasn’t supported by the rabbi. Though the rabbi doesn't like his congregants, it was not his idea. It is just Antifa doesn’t like to hear Jews are eating schnitzel. We are asking for people to think about being Baal Korehs. We need a new Baal Koreh. The last Torah reader guy had a panic attack when he messed up the word ‘VaYechi.’ He was berated by every congregant, after they screamed at him in front of the whole congregation. He started crying and had a panic attack. We understand the shul has many abusive members who yell a lot. This years’ Korach Award goes to Bernie, again. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Love You and Not Be a Chazin. Antifa & Masks: Do They All Still Have COVID. How to Correct a Baal Koreh Without Putting Down His Family. How to Not Be Bernie. The security training will take place Sunday. As she was there last time, Ethel is expected to be one of the instructors. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 16:32-35) Korach and his followers are swallowed up by the earth, along with their households and wealth... I don’t know where it is. It’s not a treasure to find. This isn’t Goonies. They weren’t pirates. The two-hundred-fifty who weren’t swallowed, who brought their frying pans to the fight, were consumed by a flame... I don’t know why people fight with frying pans. Like this is The Three Stooges... Our congregants would bring anything. If you saw the security training, you would understand that anything other than throwing a punch. A spoon would be more dangerous than Binyamin Zev Michel Ben Melvin... Ethel is only willing to get into a scuffle because she's ninety-seven and she is ready to go... Incense is not how you defend against terror... The lesson is , Don’t mess with your rabbi... (Bamidbar 17:2-3) Elazar Ben Aharon is now commanded to take the frying pans ‘for they have become holy... the fire pans of these sinners...’ I don’t address congregants by name. I just say sinners. The back left sinners. The fire pans were to be a cover for the altar. Yes. There is a lesson here. You can turn something used for sin to something holy. Kadosh. This congregation has a chance. The ability of this shul for holiness is huge... You can change this place. Can turn sin into Mitzvah. Holy. The amount this congregation has messed up, it’s a Kidush H’. It’s a sanctification of Gd. How can we make this place Holy... You’re a great Chazin. You're gone. I already feel like we're making Kadosh... Like the British, you cause people pain. You take away our joy by singing really long songs... It’s like a shul tax. Now, we're going to Daven quickly. Kadosh... Kicking you out of your job is a sanctification. We have beefed up security... It's Kadosh to scare Jews into keeping Mitzvahs. Since the dinner most of you have gone crazy... We understand. It's a shock to find out people hate Jews. I'm thinking the Antifa people are the board of the shul... They have on masks. I can’t tell. Maybe one of them is the president... 'Sorry little mistake.' You're ruining the Torah! You read it and you're saying something else... I know none of the members understand it. But it still ruins it for them. Nonetheless, you make it Kadosh. Your messing up gives the shul a chance to express their holiness by screaming at you... There was no need to start shouting. ‘You’re an uneducated fool... Who raised you... Goats...’ Who is the Korach in this shul?... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi just calls the back left of the shul sinners. That's how he knows them. Fast Davening seems to be what the rabbi calls holy. The rabbi truly feels the Chazin is a tyrant. It's oppressive. Forcing them to stay in shul for longer with his singing, they felt it was time to overthrow him. The rabbi’s sermon was forty-five minutes. At least. This whole hating Jews thing was never a shock to me. Even the mini mart near our house brought up the milk prices a good seventy-five cents. The Antifa people are scary. These masked animals were banging on windows at the shul dinner. They had on masks. We don’t know who they were. I think it was the shul’s secretary. She hates Jews. Almost as much as the bakery’s cashier. It’s weird to go to a kosher bakery where they hate Israel. I think I heard her say last time, when I asked the price, ‘Look. A Jew. Trying to get a deal.’ It’s a kosher bakery. We’re the customers. Where else are we going to get deals? The security training class was messed up. I think we'd be safer just getting beat up. Ethel is ninety-seven, I believe. She can't even pick up a cast iron skillet. Even this past Shabbis, the whole shul was waiting to correct the Baal Koreh. They love it. They look forward to it. They really scared the last Baal Koreh with the VaYikach fiasco. He read, 'VaYilan.' People were shouting, 'No VaYikach!!!' One guy got up out of his seat, 'It's VaYikach, you idiot.' Then another member took off his cufflink and threw it at the Torah reader. And none of these congregants read Hebrew. It was like a coup. They were all waiting to yell at the guy. First chance they got, it was over. They are all too uneducated and lazy to read themselves. They enjoy berating. Some of them joined the shul softball team just to yell at the umpire. They said it's part of the game. Shloimy suggested to bring in the umpire to be the Torah reader. To quote, 'He's used to people yelling at him.' What kind of shul has a Korach Award?! Every year it’s Bernie. He gets the award. There's a whole ceremony. The rabbi calls him up to the Bima and tells everybody that he wouldn't feel like a rabbi if it wasn't for this man. Then the rabbi storms off the Bima and leaves the shul for the rest of Davening. Our rabbi came up with the idea for the Korach Awards. Anybody who disagrees with the rabbi gets an honorable mention. Honorable mentions: Sam who said that he didn't want to go shopping for Kiddish when the rabbi wanted a nap. He got the 'I can't go out of my way for Kichel' award. Carolyn who always wears hats that seem to be a protest to the rabbi's sermon, because nobody behind her can see the rabbi. Fran who can't hear well enough. She gets blamed for not having good hearing. Mark who tagged out the rabbi in the Lag BOmer shul softball game. Shloimy and Faigee who decided their time was best spent learning Torah instead of showing up to a committee meeting. They got the 'We would rather keep Mitzvahs' award. Though I love the rabbi, I can't show up to all these classes. I believe the sermons is where the rabbi truly educates his pupils. The 'How to Not Be Bernie' class is a series. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shelach6/30/2024
Announcements
We need to raise funds. Thus, we shall be starting a committee. To answer questions of the congregants. This is how you raise funds. With a committee. The shul needs money. To answer questions of the congregants. We need money for stuff. We are asking members to pay their dues. Many members have asked why? It was discussed by the board for many hours. It was decided that dues have to be paid because they’re dues. Please Note: Dues do not give you the right to talk during Davening. Another three-hundred-dollar dinner is this week. It’s a fundraiser We ask members practice wrapping their Tallis so the rest of the congregation doesn’t have to wait an hour for them to get an Aliyah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Join a Committee and Annoy People. How to Wrap a Tallis Around Your Shoulders Without Making Everyone Wait for Your Barchu. (follow-up class) How to Not Do A 15 Minute Mishebeyrach. Due to safety, we will not announce where the classes are. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s the way our people responded to Yehoshua and Calev... It's kind of like the board at a meeting when somebody suggests a committee isn't necessary... (Bamidbar 14:8-10) The people shouted, 'tone them.' Anything decent. Can’t happen. Anything good, you want to stone people. I tried telling you all to keep Shabbis, one congregant tried running me over... On Shabbis. They even told the Israelites that the people living in Israel, ‘they are your bread.’ The nation wanted Manna. They didn't want to take chances on food getting worse, once they moved to Israel... They didn't like the idea of food that did not come from the earth?! They didn't know about Chumus and Tahini yet... Big grapes are very scary. (Bamidbar 14:11-19) As they wanted to kill Calev and Yeshua and they didn’t want to go to Israel. Any reason to not go to Israel, just like our congregants who will come up with any reason to not come to shul... You still want COVID. It’s like COVID is your savior of Davening... Moshe even had to use the H’ of compassion prayer. H’ who forgives iniquities... Do you know how hard it is to lead this congregation. The amount of compassion that must be mustered... You're a very hard to love people. Will He forgive the board for not giving me a raise? Will He forgive the pain caused by having to serve on a committee? Will He forgive the trip to Israel that got cancelled due to a threat to the Pinkowitz vacation to Panama... (14:20-24) Only Calev will see the land... Of course Yehoshua. The rest who tested H’ will die in the desert... Lemon meringue pie can kill. But we're talking about a desert. not dessert. The shul trip to Israel. The protests... To this day, our congregation has a desert mentality... A committee. Why do we need another committee? I am already feeling heartburn... We need to protest committees. H' would have been fine with that. H' would support the protesting of a committee. He has no compassion for committees. What is the reason for these committees?... Why are people not paying their dues? Did you receive the ‘you didn’t pay dues’ letter?... There is no please there. It’s not supposed to be nice. They're dues. You pay them... We don’t care if you’re getting any service. We have services every Shabbis morning... People are scared to call to ask people to pay dues. Last time you threatened their life. When they said dues will help make the shul beautiful and bring it to a sense of lavish for H’s glory to be apparent, you wanted to kill them. you threatened them. You said you would pay dues after you stoned them... Finally, the board let people know that paying dues doesn’t give you the right to talk in shul. If somebody can please announce this at the next committee meeting. They are so annoying... We can’t announce where events are?! There are anti-Semites?! Did we not just speak of the Meraglim (the spies)?! What are we scared of?! I am scared of congregants coming to me with annoying questions... Oh my Gd. These people are annoying. How do You find the compassion to deal with them... That's my prayer... It's that you have no belief in Gd. Either that, or you're scared of losing you money. You're scared of losing what you have... Yes. You have to go to fundraisers and you have to pay your dues... You're worried about your life and money. There are only eighteen more fundraiser dinners this month. There are a couple of days in June left... It’s your fault if you didn’t budget correctly for the three hundred dollar dinners... I understand the fear of going to fundraisers. That may have kept people out of Israel... You cause sinful acts. We had to wait three minutes for you to put on your Tallis. The wait at Barchu was painful. Another Kiddish club started, due to your lack of ability to wrap a shawl around your shoulders... Your putting on a Tallis took almost as long as Galila. That was painful. This guy can't even get a cloth over a scroll. This congregation is very bad with fabric... If H' said we would have to use fabric in Israel with the congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I would've protested... Learn how to do the stuff correctly... We have a congregation waiting for you. You get the cloth caught on the scroll. You get the Tallis caught in your hair. No idea how that happened... And the we all waited for Barchu. It felt like it took forty years. Forty years of pain... It's just a quick flip of the shawl. Swing the tassels around. And you hit the guy in the eye... Dealing with this shul is a test of wills. It has people questioning their Emunah. It makes one say, 'If this congregation is moving to Israel, I am scared to live there. Even if the fruit is big. It's not worth it... That takes too much faith in H." And then there is Bernie...' Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi just blamed the Jews dying in the desert and being allowed to enter Israel on the Meraglim and our congregants. The membership didn't understand why the people didn't want to go to Israel. They all love Israeli food. Then they heard how much the trip costs. The were protesting the shul's trip to Israel. Members were protesting their own trip to the Holy Land. They were scared they would have to pay. It was a worse protest than the Antifa guys. Very violent. The rabbi just wanted to go to Israel. He was hoping for another free trip. Why everybody is going to Panama instead of Israel is another question we have to deal with here at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. A committee met to discuss this Panama vacation thing and how it affects tourism in Israel. It turns out Panama has two really good Kosher restaurants. That's enough for our community to spend 5k on a trip. When the committee discussed it, they concluded that 5k is not that much, as long as it's not a donation. They are starting a fundraiser committee. That’s the goal. They don’t want to do fundraising. They want to talk about it. Every organization always needs money. I don't understand it. I have never seen an organization that didn't need funds. No organization ever said, 'We had a great year. We do not need to do a fundraiser.' If I open a restaurant, I’m going to call it fundraiser and charge a lot. It will come with a Bingo place attached. I am leaving town next June. Vacationing the whole month of June. Every school has a fundraiser in June. Some camps called themselves schools just to have a June fundraiser. There was even a nursing home that called itself a school for older people and had a fundraiser. I can’t afford these dinners. For three-hundred dollars they've got to give more than a leg. Then they send these nasty ‘pay your dues’ letter. Like they expect it. Worst part about dues. Everybody in the shul thinks they have a say because they pay dues. Worst thing. Would rather nobody paid dues and everybody shut up. The announcement of not talking just because you paid dues had a bad backlash. People asked for their dues back. If you tell them they can't talk, why would they pay dues?! They pay the dues so they can feel good talking in shul. The rabbi took a twelve-minute break in the sermon to teach people how to wrap a Tallis. Women were standing in the ladies' section showing how keeping a shawl on the shoulders is not that hard. One even showed the clip concept for style or men with no shoulders. One guy was so proud of himself when he pulled out his Tallis clip from his Bar Mitzvah. Menachem gave a whole speech about how his uncle gave him the clip when he was going up for the Haftorah. It's painful watching them try to wrap their Tallis. Just throw it on. We're waiting. A lot of waiting. Nobody cares if it looks good. I have no idea how the folded look became a thing. Now we have to wait for men who can't even fold a sheet to place their clothing. The same men who do Mishebeyrachs. So how do we show up to classes if we don’t know where they are. That’s it. I’ve given up. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Behalotcha6/23/2024
Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up. The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up. Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week. We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know. Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul. All classes this week are cancelled. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right... Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though... From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah... (Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault. We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am. (Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late... They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse. Things have to be done at the right time. Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome. Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd... Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?! Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing. The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew... Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees... We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out... But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach... Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva... A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?! You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times. Rivka's Rundown A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them. That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club. The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair. Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time. The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them. The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well. So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’ They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’ The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class. It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up. It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that. It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around. Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us. They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie. A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are. They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers. The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Nasso6/16/2024
Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils. Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.' We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel. Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares. Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise... (Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out. Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?... We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie. Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’ I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen... (Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues. It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours... This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went. It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer. You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul. Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up... Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had. You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days. You are ruining the shul community. Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves. The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel... If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots... Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion… Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this... We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews. Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious. Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants. The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community. They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.' The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm. Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.' The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people. The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.' It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him. This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to. Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run. These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up. Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’ A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem. I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages. When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi. After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp. Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning. Tags:
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We are hosting a lactose free Shavuot for all of those who find it hard to watch happy people who enjoy life and cheesecake. Strollers don’t belong right at the door in the back entrance of the shul. People have asked why we have to announce this. If you have to ask how oblivious one has to be to not notice they are blocking the doorway. If you look at the parents in our shul, you will understand. We all hate them. Yom Yerushalayim Music Tefillah didn’t draw people. It turns out that adding forty-five minutes to a five-minute service doesn't excite people. Next time we will do have prayers without song to make the services more enjoyable and meaningful. We want to apologize to Moishie for giving him Galila. Rolling the Torah scroll is for non-important Jews. We thought Moishie didn’t keep Shabbat. That’s our fault. We just found out he’s wealthy. We want to wish our support for all of our NY Rangers fans. The Jewish community is mourning the loss to the Florida Panthers. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 2:2) ‘Man by his flag, according to his signs according to his father’s house is how the children of Israel shall encamp...’ I am trying to figure out why I have to see Bernie. There is no Bernie family flag here... You don’t set up camp without hanging a flag. You don’t identify a people with laundry... A clean flag. That’s how you identify. You hang a clean flag. This isn’t the Felsenstein residence, with laundry on the front lawn. Identifying with... With an insignia. You need an insignia... Michael Felsenstein on an undershirt tag is not an insignia... (Bereishit 49:21) Naftali is pale red with a doe. You need the doe. A doe is a good insignia. Maybe with a jumping doe. I can belong to that. Without the female deer, Naftali can’t identify... Our shul’s insignia is a guy talking in the back left of the shul. Flags are important. Which is why I ask about the awning... No style. The color is white. What flag do you know that is white?! Plane white?! We don't even have the shul name on the awning... You bought it at Target. We don't identify as Target... Because we're not a bunch of snobs who like to pay an extra fifty cents for cottage cheese. Identity is important. People think they're showing up for a Clan meeting. They have no idea it's a shul. Through strong identity, the tribes come together at the Mikdash... The encamped around the Tabernacle with flags, because otherwise they would've had no idea where to set up tents. You can't even find the shul, Liz. They found you in the park next door, wandering... I know it's hard to find without an awning that says 'Shul.' A white awning doesn't help with identity, unless if you hate Jews... Pikudim for going out to war. Counting army age. We’re not counting for a pickup game... Identity. Signs of identity. Reminders of identity is the lesson... Your identity is not lactose intolerant... Intolerant. I believe the community identifies Sheryl as intolerant. Snobby. Turns her head. Says hello when she wants. We identify Sheryl as somebody nobody likes... How do you have a lactose free Shavuot? For one day a year, you learn to eat cheesecake for H’. You identify as a Jew and eat cheese... Strollers have to be moved. It’s like a stroller parking lot at the back entrance... The young parents identify as annoying people. Their sign is strollers. They set up camp at the entrance of the shul. The insignia should write 'Me'... Because that's all you think about. Are you unaware that there are other people in the shul that also need to get in???... That is a yes. You're parents and you're in your twenties. It seems like nobody wants more prayers. Nobody identifies with being in shul longer. A musical Hallel didn’t draw people for Yom Yerushalayim. It’s more meaningful without song... Because your singing is bad Sam. Nobody likes hearing you sing... Outside of services yes. With your guitar. But we're Davening. It's not a concert... Your guitar playing is OK. It drowns out your voice. If it was the Great Synagogue, OK. This is Topeka. Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Identify as good Jews. That’s why you get Galila and Hagba. They don’t trust you as Jews... Moishie. It's how you dress. Too dapper. That's why they have you rolling the Torah. Not getting called up for an Aliyah. You only get post Aliyah honors. After the important people go... Galila is for people you don't trust with an Aliyah. Don't know if they keep Shabbis... Same with opening the ark and Hagba. You get the guy to lift the Torah... Works out. Probably doesn't keep Mitzvahs. Too in shape. Do you identify as healthy or somebody who's Jewish?... It’s about being a good Jew. The New York Rangers are good Jews. They identify as Jewish. Ever since John Vanbiesbrouck they're Jewish... They're Ohavei Yisrael as they are the Rangers... Artemi Panarin is an Ohev Yisrael. He would've got an Aliyah... The Rangers have an insignia. That's why you bought their jersey. You identify with it. Nobody identifies with guys who won't stop talking in the back left... Exactly. They're annoying. Which is why I bring you the new shul jersey. Only thirty-five dollars... We do wish the Rangers a Mazel Tov on making it to the Conference Finals... Another tough loss, like the losing of the Shiva Siddurim. If anybody finds the mourners' prayerbooks... And that is why we have an Israeli flag in the shul. And Bernie is not Israeli... Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi was trying to get Bernie to never come to shul again. He used the flags of tribe encampment to list people in the shul who shouldn't come because there is no shul flag. Though we do have an Israeli flag in the shul, the rabbi said Bernie is not Israeli. Due to the sermon, the shul board went out and made a shul flag. It was a huge hat and Sadie yelling at Fran to move the thing so she could see the Chazin and hear the rabbi's sermon. Sadie does insist that Fran's hats are loud. Some suggested Michael Felsentein as the insignia, like it’s camp laundry. They thought they were classy buying the awning at Target. The rabbi killed the board's lactose free Shavuot party. The rabbi truly came down on people with stomach issues. It caused a big ruckus when Shaindel puked in the middle of the sermon due to Shavuot preparation. She hadn’t had dairy since she was five years old and ended up in the hospital due to the rabbi's insistence on her being more spiritual and connecting to Gd through cream cheese. I knocked over some strollers. Probably broke one. I did my part. Yom Yerushalayim everybody said Hallel and ran once the Chazin started singing. You know who’s a good Jew based on what honor they get. An Aliyah is fairly important. A good Jew gets Maftir or leads Davening. Somebody who reads the Torah could still be a bad Jew. It's just that nobody wants to prepare Torah reading. The rabbi would even give that to Bernie if he was willing to do read from the Torah. The rabbi would praise Bernie as the shul's best member if he Layned the Torah. Opening the ark on High Holidays is for good Jews too. Or Jews who pay for it. If anybody pays for opening the ark, they're also good Jews. Moishie is a heretic. He's too healthy to be a Tzadik. We had many people mourning the loss of the Rangers. Nobody mentioned the loss of Isaac Bergman this past week. A great man in our community who was at Minyin each day. He was a great Baal Tzedakah. Gave charity without end, to all organizations and individuals. Only brought joy to everybody he met. I believe the Rangers loss outshined his passing and going to Olam Haba. Most people didn't show up to his funeral, as they were still grieving the Rangers. Twelve people showed up to Isaac's funeral, eight of them wearing Rangers jerseys, in memory. I believe Isaac Bergman was an Islanders fan. I also believe he was actively giving to Tzedakah to around twenty organizations in the community, along with well over thirty individuals. At the funeral, the rabbi said, 'It was a shame he never did full Teshuva. Though, in his later years, Mr. Bergman became a more spiritual man with greater faith, he never did fully supported the Rangers.' The rabbi made it clear that New York Rangers players would get an Aliyah. The rabbi pulled out the shul jersey at the end of his sermon and said, pointed to the logo and said, 'This is the shul insignia.' I truthfully don't know if having a rabbi that's a sports fanatic is healthy for the congregation's spiritual wellbeing. Tags:
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We need more people involved in services. The Chazin cannot coach us as to where we are in the services. It looks off when our Chazin change his voice to announce pages. The shul is collecting the Yom Kippur pledges. The appeal cards have flipped tabs. You will be charged for them. It wasn't a questionnaire. Gamblers Anonymous meetings will take place in the shul so that people can pay their dues and pledges. It seems members are losing their money once they leave shul. Lag BOmer bonfires are not safe when our members run them. Next year, we’re bringing Boy Scouts or any person that is not a member of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah. Capable people we trust. The Memorial Day program was meaningful. We want to thank those who served that are not on the board. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Pay Your Pledge and Your Dues, Even if You’re a Member of the Shul. How Board Members Serve Nobody. How to Be an Incapable Member of a Shul (special guests serving as examples will be our president and board members). Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. It’s not the end of the Torah. It’s the end of Sefer Vayikra... We still continue reading the Torah. It doesn’t stop... Do you not like the Torah?! Is this a casual thing to you? Something you spit on??? (Vayikra 26: 14-16) ‘If you don’t listen to me and don’t do these Mitzvahs. And if you consider my decrees loathsome... then I will do the same to you...' Being on time to your business and skipping Minyin is not a Mitzvah. You can't create Mitzvahs. Mitzvahs are commandments from H'... Taking the family to Disney World for winter break is not a Mitzvah. Paying your dues would be, if you did... H' is telling us there is a reciprocal relationship... I know you come and eat at Kiddish and don't pay your dues. That's an issue, Rachel. It shows you don't value it... H’ will make us loathsome. We’ll get burning fevers. If that doesn’t work. The land gets hit... H' has to take it to the next level. It's the same with the board. If they don't listen to me, you get a messed up wicker looking motif at the Aron... No. You use Jerusalem stone. There is a reason every shul does it... I get a burning fever every time I look at the ark... Maybe it's anger. I don't know. I do know that it feels like our land. Our shul has been destroyed... If you don't visit the sick, you'll get sick. I'm just trying to get you to be decent people. Maybe to keep a Mitzvah. To do a good deed. To give your rabbi a raise... Still don’t listen, and behave towards H’ with ‘casualness’ you’ll end up eating your children’s flesh (26:29). Well how about that one?! It's reciprocal. You treat people like the board, you get a messed up shul and you get a Kiddish with no Kichel. No Danish. No Kugel. No choolante. Just people... If there was no Kugel at Kiddish, I am sure many in our congregation would go cannibalistic... I've seen how you attack the egg salad, Bernie. Animals... Yes. There is accountability in the Torah. I know that doesn’t speak well to the parents of this shul who think it’s OK for their kids to take all the Danish at Kiddish. It's a relationship with H'. And that is made stronger with decent potato Kugel. There are levels to the punishments. H’ is very creative. We’ll even lose the Mikdash (Temple) and the land will become desolate. I think I have received the highest level of punishment. Being a rabbi to you. Then what... (Vayikra 26:36-39) Survivors will flee from enemies. ‘They will stumble man over his brother like running from the sword, but there is no pursuer...’ Kind of like our softball team. I pray we have a better year this year. We got embarrassed by Beth Tikvah and Yankel. When you get embarrassed by Yankel... You weren't running the bases, Baruch. You ran home. You ran to your house. Nothing is worse than fear. You will run from nothing... Bernie is just clumsy. Rashi teaches (26:37) You will have fear. ‘This one will stumble over each the other’s sins, for all of Israel is responsible for each other.’ We have fear when we're not together. When you can't get a Minyin and everybody is trying to pull in people off the street. Chaos. Fear... It's because you don't care about your brethren and sistren. Do you know how many times I've stumbled over Ethel talking about Sadie??? Sin. How many times I've stumbled over Mark, who can't pay his dues because he's playing Blackjack... You know who H' keeps His covenant with. It is our soldiers. They don't run in fear. They care about their brethren and sistren. They are responsible for their nation. When you're responsible for others, you value them. You value H' and His Mitzvahs... Because you care about the nation, Bernie. You pay dues, Mark. You understand that Sadie can be annoying too. I get it Ethel. But calm down. Sadie has a right to love wicker... I can't stand the new wicker facade. It is truly causes hatred. Respect what is being done, or it won’t respect you. People have to help out a bit. That’s how you show Kavod. We got the Gabai doing everything. Leading services. Announcing pages. Getting other people to lead services- which is him... Do you just ask yourself to lead... You're a Gabai. Stop trying to sound like a Chazin... Pavarotti never turned to his audience, ‘See page five in the pamphlet... Ahhhh.’ It sounds off. And you don’t even have a good voice. Be one who cares about their people, and you will not be casual to H'. You won't be casual to your shul... We're not in Israel. You don't wear jeans on Shabbis... Give something. You don’t even pay dues. Maybe pay your pledge... Somebody flips your tabs every year???!!! There's a tab flipper who is responsible for the phantom pledges... It’s a pledge. Pay it... Nobody in the office was flipping the cards. What are these pledge cards used for anyways. When was the last time somebody paid one of these?... Yes. I am asking our president. He hasn't paid it either... There are gambling issues in the shul. You gambled on the new awning. And you gambled on the new wicker motif. A bad decision. And one that has caused punishment... I feel punished... Lag BOmer was not a punishment from H'. That was just the inability of our membership to contain a fire. We will try to contain the fire next year, to not set the badminton net ablaze... No. We don't trust members of this congregation. Serving on the board of our shul has done nothing for our country. That’s why we don’t honor you. You have shown no responsibility. A desecration to H'... I hate the board... (Vayikra 26:40--46) When we confess our sins, H’ will bring us back to our land. He never fully forgets us, for He keeps his covenants. Unlike the Gabai of our shul who can't get a page right. We must confess our sins. If we can get the president of the congregation to come up here right now... Just keep the Mitzvahs for crying out loud. Every sermon, I have to tell you to keep the Mitzvahs. If there was a punishment maybe you would act right. You wouldn't be causal with H'. There wouldn't be Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah dress down Saturdays... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi finally said it. 'I hate the board.' They were so excited when they heard the book was finished. They though they would come to shul and never have to hear the Layning again. They thought Torah reading was over and they would be able to have Kiddish a half hour early every week. I think it’s the Layner that kills the shul experience for everybody. It's like hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy every week. Those kids take all the Danish. Every time. And they don't even eat Danish. They think it's a big cookie and then get their hands full of whatever that filling stuff is. Then Kiddish is spent cleaning their hands. When the rabbi spoke about eating their children's flesh, the congregants didn't even bat an eye. They were thinking their kids took the Danish, they can't eat that now. It comes off wrong when the one guy does it all, announcing the pages and going Chazanish. It's like they're punishing me. I’m not paying the Yom Kippur Appeal tab. The shul should know people don’t pay those donations. That’s taking advantage of people who are in an emotional state, praying for their lives. That’s exploitation of Teshuva. A conspiracy of appeal card fraud took place. I heard that behind the scenes the shul had its office staff flipping the tabs. Gambling issues are big. They brought a casino to the community. The shul couldn't even have the casino night fundraiser last year. People said they would rather give their money to the Siatica Casino. To quote, 'The chairs at Siatica are much more comfortable than the shul's pews. You want to sit there for longer. It's because Siatica cares about us.' Lag BOmer was messed up. Couldn’t get the fire started. Then they did and it was a situation. Badminton went up and we had to call off the Upsherin when the child's hair caught on fire. Board members wanted credit for serving. The chutzpah. Like they’ve served their country by making decision as to when to close the parking lot before Shabbis. Like they served their congregation by putting up wicker around the Aron Kodesh. Thank Gd there are no soldiers in our shul. A shul of very lazy people. A covenant of laziness. The membership keeps that covenant. When the rabbi said, ‘For crying out loud,’ it said it all. That made the point. Tags:
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We ask members of the shul to not drag tables, due to injury. Too many people have got injured by prefab tables that were not built right. Legs are falling and community members are catching injuries. Worst of all, tables setup for the fundraiser had to be reset. Tzuris. The shul dinner was very nice. We only had thirty-four people. It was a pleasure to not have to see the Pearl family and the Mosheloy. It was also appreciated by all to not have to see Bernie. Nobody is willing to take complaints about the lack of shnitzel size. It turns out the staff also went home starving. The caterer netted eighty dollars a person. Mark needed help with Galila. From now on, please watch members who have a hard time putting a cloth on a scroll. It’s painful to watch. Nobody wants to wait fifteen minutes for inept cloth wrapping. There are some members like Mark who apparently have not been to shul very much and can't figure out how to pull a cloth over a scroll without it getting caught. The Lag BOmer community BBQ will feature hotdogs. We are all very excited they will have hotdogs. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Put Together a Prefab Table. Rolling a Scroll, Putting a Cloth On It, And other stuff You Should’ve Learned 50 Years Ago. How to host a BBQ Nobody Wants to Be At... i.e. Advertise Hotdogs. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 25:18) ‘... then you will dwell on the land securely.’ We are speaking of Shemitah and Yovel. But what we learn in the Pasuk before, ‘Lo Tonu.’ Do not aggravate your fellow. Speaking in business conduct. When you aggrieve people you will not stay in the land. When you take people’s money unjustly. When a board doesn't pay the rabbi enough... Bernie is just annoying. Treat the land well. Be a good neighbor. Mow your lawn. Don’t start working at 7am on renovations... I know you’re a contractor. But people are still sleeping. People who don’t have kids. You aggrieve them... (Vayikra 25:19) 'And the earth will give you fruit and you will eat your fill. And you will dwell securely on it.’ If you keep the Mitzvot, and you don’t bother your neighbors... If you keep the Mitzvot right, you won’t aggravate everybody. Then there will be fruit. If you stop shuckling like a madman. It's crazy. You throw off everybody else's Davening... (25:21) ‘It will make crops for three years.’ This is the blessing for Shemitah... H' has to let you know, because you don't trust Him. You have a basement full of army rations and MREs. This is why many Jewish women use the freezer. They're worried food will not be there when they need it.You put up a brisket, you put up three... Leftovers. Keep the jubilee. That is the lesson. You keep the jubilee and don't worry about food... On holidays, you don't think about leftovers. The shul will have a Kiddish the next Shabbis. You can eat there. H' provides... When you have the Simchavitz family putting together Kidishes with Kichel, you will not be satisfied. It's because our shul has too many members not keeping Mitzvot... (25:17) ‘... and fear H’...’ You have a choice. Take advantage of people in business or fear Gd. What is your path? I know Michel takes advantage of people. It's more lucrative. My mechanic does the same... You can’t drag the tables. They fall. Hit somebody and that aggravates them... Because idiots in our shul put them up. Members put them together and they do it wrong... I don’t know how people mess up building a prefab table... Rings. Rings come down. A click. You did not hear a click. The honoree dinner was amazing... Not having congregants at the shul dinner truly made it a joy. Yet, the board aggravates everybody... Of course it costs a lot. The board is pulling in big. $250 for a shnitzel... Lo Tonu. Don’t aggravate. It was aggravating to spend $250 on a plate and to get a shnitzel. A tiny piece of shnitzel. I would spend eight hundred dollars to come to shul and not have to see congregants. Not having to see people there because of the cost was a positive. Not having to see Bernie... Business not doing well is a blessing... Mark couldn’t figure out how to pull the bottom of the cloth over the front of the scroll... Of course it can’t go over the scroll if the whole cloth is in the back of the scroll. Watching you pull was painful... Aggravation. If we have congregants that can't figure out how to put on a Torah cloth. Kicked out of the land... If Mark helped with the laundry... If you folded the laundry at home we would not be waiting for this. It was pathetic. What were you doing? How did you get your arm stuck in the cloth?! Your hand was coming out of the scroll holes... You killed the fabric. Yes, you have to pay. $250. You should be wishing the other congregants a Yashkoych... They all came up an helped you. It was a true shul crisis. Fifteen congregants trying to figure out how to put on a cloth... They were wishing you a Yashkoych for not being able to accomplish your task... Fifteen people helped... I'm aggravated just being here. Rivka's Rundown My neighbors are annoying. I wouldn’t leave the corner of my field for them. Leftovers is a Jewish tradition. We always do cook three times the amount. You just don't know if there will be enough food to put on weight on Shabbis. And that is a mitzvah. It's a catch 22. I am going to start bringing MREs to Kiddish. The way some of these people do Kiddish is pathetic. It's not H's way. It's like a crop that doesn't yield to satisfy a day. Leah got injured by the table. The thing fell. Got a leg injury. Hit the kneecap as it collapsed and she couldn't show up to the fundraiser. The prefab table class is given every Sukkot, where they also teach the members how to put together prefab chairs without injuring themselves. They don't ensure the rings fall down and they don't hear a click. They just flip the tables over and injure other members of the community. One Bat Mitzvah had three tables fall. Food went flying and the Hirshfeld family got injured. They all went to the hospital and didn't even get the chocolate souffle. They still gave Becca the Bat Mitzvah gift and that bothered them. Even wealthy people didn’t show up to the fundraiser. They were afraid that since they knew were it was they thought it was dangerous. Most members only show up to places now if they have no idea where they are going. That ensures safety. How they end up in shul ever?! Accident. These fundraiser dinners are a scam. The amount of shnitzel I got was so little. And then people ordered vegetarian and got an eggplant sliver. They want you to know you’re getting ripped off. These caterers are a scam. Vegans got a slice of eggplant. $250. It takes a long time for some of these Galilas. Everybody then says great job. It’s like they're encouraging patheticness. Mark was yelling for help. Then he got mad that not enough people helped. He first threw the cloth at the scroll in anger. Then he started whacking it. Five people came up to help by pulling the front of the cloth over. After Mark's Galila the joke started spreading, 'How many Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah congregants does it take to change a lightbulb? If there is a cloth, fifteen.' For Lag BOmer there are hotdogs. That's an advertisement? Might as well say, everybody is invited for bug juice in Dixie cups. It's pathetic. Almost as pathetic as Mark's Galila. If they wanted nobody to come, they should've advertised, 'No burgers and no steak. Just the hotdogs you love.' They always try to make the bad cheap stuff sound good. Last year they advertised, 'No fresh pastries. Just the classic Stella D'oros.' The board tried to sell their new idea for flooring with, 'We're getting rid of the carpet. We've decided to go for the rustic look.' If they truly wanted nobody to come to the Lag BOmer event, they should've let people know where it was. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Emor5/19/2024
Announcements
We forgot Mother’s Day last week. They are the most important people in our lives. We just forget them. Yom HaZikaron. We are announcing it now. No more complaints. Now you know for next year. We want to apologize for Michel and how bad he is at reading the Torah. He will read again this Shabbis. If you don't want to come to shul, we understand. Kiddish will be at 11:30am for those who still want to come to shul and avoid the pain of hearing Michel. We understand it's not Yom Kippur and there is no reason to cause yourself the pain of hearing Michel Layn. Shmuel has already messed up the Omer count. He has had it messed up since the third day. He missed it due to lack of thought. He is also a very bad Gabai. Marriage class on how to get out of marriage without losing all of your money will take place this Tuesday. Wednesday is the Pinkovitz wedding. We want to wish the Pinkovitz family a Mazel Tov. We also pray Yossi Pinkovitz doesn't get caught up in debt because of this one. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Know How to Read the Torah Before You Get Up to Layn, So That People Don’t Want to Shoot You. How to Not Forget the Omer Count Like Our Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 22:32) ‘And you shall not desecrate My Holy Name, and I should be sanctified among the children of Israel. I am H’ who sanctifies you.’ H’ has done all He can to sanctify this congregation... There’s only so much that can be done. When you have congregants like the back left... Why? Because He took you out of Egypt, Bernie. I believe that's a reason. I think that's a pretty decent reason to sanctify. A little sanctification is called for. (Vayikra 22:33) You sanctify Gd ‘who took you out of Egypt, to be a Gd to you.’ Does that not make sense? You sanctify the Holy Name that freed you from slavery... He did what He could there. He tried to help you get out of your first marriage. We had eight rabbis show, ready to sign the Get (document of divorce), and then she said she wanted four million dollars, and you stuck with the marriage... The least you can do is send your kids to Jewish day school, so H’s name can be sanctified amongst your children... Being decent athletes with cool friends is not sanctification. It’s sacrilege. Look at the Moskovitz boys. Very out of shape. Good Jews. Sanctifying. Let's talk about desecration and Bernie, and the back left over there. Well let’s see how you desecrate. You mess up the Layning. Michel should never read from the Torah... With the way you read, they should’ve thrown the candies harder at your Bar Mitzvah. If they would’ve nailed you, you would’ve learned a lesson... Frank hasn’t mowed his lawn since April. Desecration... They know you're religious Frank... Because you don't mow your lawn. That's how they know. The longer the grass, the more religious they know you are... Just mow it so the property value doesn't go down. And pay your dues... We don’t desecrate H’s name when you use our ability to sanctify... In your case, it’s to just stop sinning. Start there. Just don't sin. How do we bring glory to H’? You don’t mess things up. You keep the Mitzvot. You see what the shul board does and you don't do that. The Pasuk of ‘don’t desecrate’ is flanked by keeping Mitzvot. How about keep Mitzvot and stop sinning, and give the rabbi a raise... And can somebody please take their child away from the Bima right now. Why is this kid up here?!... Finally nothing this week. But we have a Bat Mitzvah. Oh shoot. Thought I had off. Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H'. Yom HaZikaron and Mother’s Day were last week. Thought you should know... You can remember now. Respect your mother. Sanctification of your parents... We are not talking about sacrificing parents. Bernie. That's honoring your parents. You sanctify them. You honor them. You don't do stupid stuff like not mowing your lawn, having people thinking you were raised wrong, killing the neighborhood... Does anybody get a calendar anymore?! Has the Jewish people stopped giving to non-profits that much that they're not getting calendars anymore?! You messed up the Omer already. Another desecration... Then give $180 to Chabad and get a calendar... Jewish calendars are very expensive. Shmuel missed the Omer count from the third day... Fourth day. Same thing. If anybody else in this shul is not a good Jew, I will be saying the blessing for the Omer every night, so you can be Yotzei (fulfill the Mitzvah)... How can you be a good Gabai if you can't count the Omer? You can't just get up and say, 'Do the Omer tonight.' You forget everything. Shmuel. You forgot your daughter’s birthday. It was her third birthday... You miss everything. You missed your Aliyah... Shmuel. You are the only Shmuel in the shul. They yelled your name. It was you. You're the Gabai. You yelled your name, Shmuel Ben Simcha... I understand nobody calls you that at work... I also wanted to run out once Michel started reading the Torah. His Layning is painful... Of course he missed the Yom HaShoa program. They hid the location from us for security reasons. He also didn’t know where it was.... Yom HaZikaron was the board’s fault. If H' takes me out of here, I will be able to sanctify His Name. Mazel Tov to Yossi Pinkovitz on your his fourth wedding. I am not buying him gifts this time. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi definitely writes the announcements. It appears to be a way for him to share his anger at Bernie, Frank, Michel and the Gabai. The rabbi blames the shul board for everything. I think he just blamed them for Yom Hashoa Yom HaZikaron. I don’t know if Bernie felt like he has been taken out of Egypt. He was born in Illinois. The being decent athletes being sacrilege was a very empowering lesson for our congregation. The members felt empowered. It was something they all felt they can do. With the out of shapeness of our membership, they now all feel they can serve H’ and sanctify His Name. Weddings are an important time in one's life. I think the class on getting out of marriage will be very helpful to the Baalei Simcha who are getting married this week. The Bat Mitzvah will be able to glean from the class too. I wish a rabbi warned me at that age. Many people thanked the rabbi for the class in fiscal responsibility. They said it was the greatest lesson in running a home. The more religious one is the less their lawn is mowed. That is how you tell a religious person in the neighborhood. I think it's considered Bitul Torah (wasting time from learning Torah) to mow your lawn. Frank is the rabbi's neighbor. The rabbi brings up the non-mowed lawn at least once a year. The rabbi tried moving last year but he couldn't. The property wouldn't sell because of Frank's grass. And then Frank put a jungle gym on his front lawn. That's the next level of the bungalowing of the neighborhood. Chairs on the front lawn is one thing. But a jungle gym, that's a Chutzpah. I thought Frank had no backyard. He has a huge backyard, he's just planning to build on it. He said religious people extend their homes back. According to Frank, anything people do in Brooklyn is religious. Yom HaZikaron. The Day of Remembrance. Remembering the soldiers who fought for our people. It's good that we'll be able to show the support next year. It is such an important day, especially this year with everything going on, and nobody even knows about it. Some people just thought they didn't know where it is, as a Jewish program in these times should be not findable. The office got a lot of calls about Yom HaZikaron. Nobody ever remembers what day it is. The issue is the calendars. Once Jews stop supporting Jewish organizations nobody will have a calendar. Then what. Apparently Mothers are not the most important people in the board’s life Though he talked of Kibud Av vEim, honoring your father and mother, the rabbi also forgot Mother's Day. He suggested people call their moms and tell them they forgot they had mothers that day, to show their mothers they love them. When asked what to do if their dad answers the phone, the rabbi said to tell them, ‘Just put mom on. I want to speak to mom.’ As the rabbi explained, 'You don't honor your fathers on Mother's Day. You don't want to diminish the importance of the day. It's a mother focused Kibud Av vEim day.' The rabbi just went off on Shmuel. He missed the Omer the third day. I missed the count on day two, when there was no Seder and nobody to remind me there is another Mitzvah I have to keep. People missed the Omer counting class. They also forgot the class. The how to read the Torah class was well received by the rabbi himself, who can't stand hearing Michel Layn. Yossi Pinkovitz gets married a lot. Fourth wedding. Each time the Kiddishes get smaller. He can't expect gifts with those Kiddishes. Beautiful message to Bat Mitzvah, 'Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H".' Our rabbi always makes the point clear and succinct. And then he goes off on Bernie. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask you give up the Chazin spot when you are finished with your part of the services. We don’t want to have to bring in the Gabai enforces to remove Ralph from the Bima (the place the Chazin leads services from, for those congregants who show up at 10:50am). The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will be announced the day of. For safety, we don’t want anybody knowing where it will be.. We are renovating the shul. Everything from the past must go. This includes members. We ask you watch your kids in the halls. Though your children are jumping, running and smacking each other, we have not made the halls safety proof yet. We also ask that you don’t allow your children to go up to the rabbi and hit him. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Make an Event Nobody Will Be Able to Find. How a Board Does Renovations to Destroy Tradition. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 19:23-25) ‘When you shall come to the land and you shall plant any fruit tree, you shall treat its fruit as Orlah.’ Orlah means it's closed off from enjoying it. It is forbidden. Forbidden to eat it. Like taking cookies before we make Kiddish... At Kiddish, we make Kiddish and your kids are crazy. Do something. Be a parent and let them know they can't take of the Kiddish before we make Kiddish... Even if it's a cookie. Yes. It's forbidden from enjoyment until we show appreciation to H' first... ‘Arel Sifataim’ means can’t talk. Moshe couldn’t talk to Gd... You don’t circumcise mouths. Yet. It would be good if you didn't talk. Maybe if you just stopped talking, the congregation would be happy, Bernie.... It would appear to be a commandment to plant trees in Israel too. This is not in support of JNF. They have taken so much money from our children... Your tulips don't count. And they die... 'Shall' is a Torah word. And I shall continue with the lesson of not taking Kiddish before Kiddish... There are things you can't do. There are many commandments in the Parsha. (19:26-32) 'Don’t round the edge of your scalp’... It looks bad. And don’t destroy the edges of your beard... When you cut it you destroy it... Then go to a barber. You have no cutting depth perception. Have a normal beard for crying out loud. I don’t even know if the men here are Jewish with these short things... Good Jews have long beards and Payis. And no tattoos. I can say that most of our congregation is going to Gehenim... Your tattoos are messed up. They are the weakest tattoos I have ever seen... It's not a bike. You're not riding your motorcycle in a gang. It's a bicycle. Bicycle riders don't need tattoos... It's about being holy. Kadosh. Don’t mess up the Sanctuary. The Kadosh... Look at this shul. Baby carriages everywhere. Stand for your elders and honor their presence, ‘and fear Gd.' You can’t fear Gd if you don’t honor your elders and you look like an idiot with short hair, a beard you cut like a fool and a tattoo that says 'I like tulips.' Practice the commandments. This is how you are Holy. (19:2) As H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’ Be Kadosh. How can we be Kadosh... How about following the Mitzvot. I have to constantly tell you this. It's getting annoying already. Every week... H’ gives us stuff, we have to treat it well. Our elders... We have to keep our traditions. Our artifacts. We have to not have these kids taking those rolled up hard cookies with raspberry from the elders... The older people love those hard raspberry things. They're like Kichel. Let us remember our Kedoshim. Those who sacrificed their lives for us. Our holy brethren who put aside enjoyment for holy... There are certain things in life you do. And some you don't. You leave it for a while. Let us not get rid of an Aron. An ark that houses the Torahs... Why can’t we keep the Aron... Let’s go through things that don’t need renovation. Because you’re crazy and you have to change everything... We’re about tradition. This is not a community center. It's a shul. The ark is something you don't touch for more than four years... Your renovations disrespect our tradition, because you're doing them, and you do dumb stuff... Your kid's Bat Mitzvah with the unicorn theme... You brought a horse into the shul with a birthday hat on it... I am still trying to figure out how a paper hat is a horn. Why not renovate not having kids running around during the sermon. Let's start there... You're destroying the shul like you destroyed your beards. Did I just see a seven year old run through the shul... She was yelling, ‘Weee.’ I’m giving a sermon, Leah.... I don’t know what ‘weee’ means. I do not that it's your child. You don't parent. And that is why your children will end up cutting their beards and with tattoos of some religion out in Eastern China. Stop them for crying out... When they're not stopped, we end up with people like Ralph leading Shacharit. We are Kadosh when don't do stupid things, and limit our use to thank H'. We have to limit Ralph's leading services, because nobody likes his voice... He was waiting to lead Shacharit, Ralph. You didn’t let him in... You stood there and kept going. You knew he was there. Share the Amud (the Bima where services are led from). There is a reason for Gabais... You're not the Gabai. You just call up yourself... Taking initiative for yourself to do something that nobody else wants you to do is not Kadosh. Cutting off use to be dedicated to H' is Kadosh. You not leading Davening is Kadosh for everyone... Everyone except you... Moishie is not Arel Sifataim. He sings much better than you. And these dumb decisions leads us to a lack of pride in who we are... Of course I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be... How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is. How do you show up to ‘I don’t know where.' Did the shul board put together the parade?... The point is the shul board should not be involved in anything. They make bad decisions and mess things up... Maybe focus on ensuring the rabbi gets one of the lemon cookies next Kiddish. I have no appreciation for the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi lashed out at the whole congregation in the middle of his sermon when he told everybody to keep the Mitzvot. He went off for twelve minutes on how annoying it is to have to tell people to keep commandments. He was truly mad about not getting a lemon cookie. Then seeing a whole pile of them on one kid's plate. The rabbi said that was not Orlahesque of that child. To quote the rabbi when his wife said he shouldn't take it: 'That is an uncircumcised lemon cookie sitting right on that plate.' And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. Maybe it was for the security of the program, that nobody should know it is happening. I don't think the congregants would've cared to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there. And with the new security protocol of not telling anybody, the attendance at the programs was extremely low. It turned out to be very safe with eight people. The organizers are still not very happy that people didn't show. They said it was a lack of communal support to not be present at the events when they are trying so hard to make them safe and not telling anybody where they are. I think the not cutting stuff and not messing with your bodies is a good commandment. We have the most messed up looking congregation. They truthfully look like a bunch of hippies with short hair and no beards, in suits. No cause for peace. Just lazy people who made bad decisions when drunk. They honestly look well kempt. They look like people with good jobs. They look like bad Jews. I agree. They're going to Gehenim. Just having to sit next to them, I feel a bit of Geheniim. I feel myself getting warmer, like a fire is hitting me. They are truly throwing out everything. I believe that is what they mean by 'renovation.' To just get rid of anything in the shul that's meaningful. If they had the money, they would destroy the facade of the shul, as well as the Kiddish cup. I love that Kiddish cup. It's huge and four generations have drank grape juice out of it. Never cleaned it. They would knock down the whole shul for the sake of knocking it down. And they would call it renovations. Why? Because they’re the board and they have money and they want to make decisions. I think that's the reason. The kids are crazy and the parents blame the shul. They sued the shul for not having safe enough halls. They suggested the shul should have inflatable cushions everywhere. They want to turn the shul into a bounce house. The kids were running through the shul. I think it was freezetag. One yelled, ‘You missed me,’ right as the rabbi was letting the congregation know they were going to Gehenim. So, I think it was freezetag. It's now normal for kids to be running through the shul and hitting the rabbi, saying 'got you' during his sermon. I think the only way to deal with this kid issue is to have the grandparents smack their parents. It’s bad. Ralph just takes the Chazin spot and goes. The Gabai has never asked him. He just jumps up there. Everybody is too scared to say anything. Have you ever told somebody who is clearly doing something wrong, they're wrong. It’s awkward. What are you supposed to say as the guy the Gabai asked to lead? ‘The Gabai asked me to lead'? ‘Nobody wants to hear you anymore.’ ‘Do you not realize you have stolen this spot from everybody else.’ Last time they had to physically bounce Ralph. For safety now, they have events and nobody knows where they are. This way, they are safe. The rabbi asked them to add to the announcements that members must also be removed from the shul. As part of renovations, he said that not having the membership will make the shul look much better. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already. Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office. To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival. We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate. You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word. Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city. The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad. When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting... I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel. (Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt... After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something... You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei... It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie. It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach. Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot... The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy... Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel. We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul... Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that. You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul... LaAzazel. You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem. I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious... To Azazel Bert. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel. I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though. The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah. Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat. I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more. We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later. The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier. I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings. The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad. It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience. Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming. But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish. Tags:
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Announcements
Pesach starts this Monday night. If you are not suffering from anxiety, you are not going to heaven and your house is not clean. You can stay in your home this Pesach. We have found a cleaning service that doesn’t know about Pesach cleaning yet. They have staff that will come and clean your home. We suggest you only tell them how much cleaning they will have to do once they already started. Hold off on giving them a toothpick for crevice cleaning, until second day of cleaning. Please come to the shul office to pick up your Matzah. We will have a hard time pawning this off for sixty dollars a box to the nonJew who will be purchasing the Chametz this year. It turns out that Matzah does not sell at a premium on the secondary market. The leftover cake at Kiddish should be enjoyable. It turns out many people have Zomick’s meltaways leftover from Purim. We’ve noticed a young generation of annoying kids not saying thank you to adults who hold doors for them. Please let your annoying ones know they aren’t important, and to be appreciative. Or a kind person will smack them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Educating Children Without Being Locked Up. How to Get Your Child to Help Clean for Pesach Without it Being Considered Child Abuse. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We’re talking about the sacrifice of the poor Metzora (the afflicted one who speaks Lashon Hara)... Not everybody in this shul is poor. There is no reason why donations should be coming to the shul office in the form of turtledoves. Bring a proper donation... Cash. Not something that was hiding in your air-conditioner... This is why we speak Lashon Hara about you... We’re talking sin offerings and elevation offerings. The guilt offering is another thing... You should always feel guilty. Sitting in shul, you should be full of guilt. Just seeing the congregation, I feel guilty. I feel like it's a punishment for a sin I committed... I'm not pulling out turtledoves. I'm a rabbi, not a magician... (Vayikra 14:22) ‘And two turtledoves or two young doves, for whichever he has the means.’ It's a matter of what somebody can afford... No. Before the membership to St. Cantstandjew Country Club... Meshech Chochmah teaches that one animal is not greater than the next. It is all dependent on what one can afford to bring. This is not true when it comes to having me over for dinner... Everybody would rather get a decent piece of chicken and brisket. Nobody enjoyed the turtledove Kiddish... You own Minky’s Furs and you brought a kugel. Do your part. It's about doing your part. Knowing what you have and not taking shortcuts. Clean a little... You told the cleaning lady about the toothpick right when she got there???!!! Of course she left. You don't bring up the toothpick or pull out the oven cleaner mask protection until they've finished with the countertops... And that is my Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. You’re annoying... OK. I'll take questions... Just be honest with your means. We see you driving a turbo boost 2k scooter... It has jets. Literal jets and fire coming out of the back. You have money. Dedicate a Kiddish every once in a while. At least pay your dues and let somebody get some of the BBQ... Last Spring Into Shul BBQ you had twelve hotdogs... The Matzah is too expensive. I think that is one thing we can all agree on... I don’t know if it says in the Torah that one who doesn’t make enough can eat Streit’s at the Seder... I don't believe you can purchase turtledoves to eat instead of Matzah on Pesach... You should share. Other people might like the meltaway too... I have never seen a congregation care so much about Biyur Chametz that they don’t share cake... Nobody is eating turtledoves. We have to stop talking about turtledoves. If I go to a Bar Mitzvah with turtledoves... You are too relaxed. You have definitely not started cleaning your home. It shows. The lesson is to do your part. As an individual and as part of the community... Do your part. If a kid doesn’t say thank you for a door being held, smack them. Let them know to be appreciative... If you’re a grownup who doesn’t say thank you, ask somebody to smack you... What are my sources? The Torah. Rivka's Rundown The Shabbat HaGadol Drasha is shorter than any of the other sermons the rabbi gave this year. Our last rabbi used to give out long source sheets for his SHabbat HaGadol Drasha. It wowed everybody. He didn’t even speak. He just gave out sheets, smiled and said, ‘I did that.’ Then he would leave. Our rabbi quotes the whole Torah in everything he says. This is why he doesn't need to give exact spots. It's the whole Torah. He's a walking Torah who knows the importance of educating annoying kids. The shul office thought the turtledove donation was an act of antisemitism. They are cheap. A cheap congregation. Not poor, but they will try to get away with turtledoves for a Simcha luncheon. Matzah does not sell well on the secondary market. That is true. The rabbi finally won the congregation over by acknowledging the Matzah is way too expensive. It was the first time people cheered for the rabbi. They followed him home shouting, ‘This is our Rebbe.’ I love the prePesach leftover Kiddish. So much food. Half bitten. It's all good. I ate too much cake. The meltaway is the greatest cake. I ate half of it. It's the perfect mixture of babka and coffee cake. Some things are serious. And meltaway is one of them. The Spring Into Shul BBQ is very catchy. A lot of people show up for the food. They don't come to shul after that. Even during last year's BBQ, they couldn't pull ten men aside to get a Minyin. To quote Shloimy, 'I am part of this congregation to eat food I don't have to pay for.' I hold doors for these kids and I want to smack them. They are so entitled. I said to one, ‘You could’ve said thank you.’ And they kept on walking. They're lucky I'm old and without ability to chase them down. If they made kids slower, they would get whacked a lot more. Then this guy next to me looks at me like an angry person. No. I am a person who realizes this little pisher is a nothing. And the pisher gives attitude. What happened to appreciation? Is it wrong to express gratitude?! I turned to this pisher's dad and expressed, 'I do not appreciate you and your family. Nor do I appreciate seeing four hamburgers on your pisher's plate.' How these kids are allowed to take all the food... I really just want to smack the kids. Is that wrong? They have so much Chutzpah. And Chutzpah is not a good thing when I'm doing a favor. Is it wrong to smack kids?! My niece said you're not allowed to nowadays. I went to the Halacha class on not getting locked up for educating children. Very practical. I am on Shpilkies with Pesach prep. I am a good Jew. I don't have time for any more of this writing stuff. I have to shpritz the tiles now. Martha's Cleaning Service now hates Jews. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tazria4/14/2024
Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them. We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching. We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz. We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt. We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure... The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara... What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei? (Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.' If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section... That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup. (Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure. White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei. How do we separate. Separation done properly... Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis... You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night. I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation. If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise... Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling. A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids. It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder... Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation. The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach... There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool... We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be. The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win... You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about. And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice... Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham. Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.' The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading. I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant. Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint. The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey. Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety. The kids are loud at shul. I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi. They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy. Max does page ruffle too. He's loud. Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz. The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemini4/5/2024
Announcements
Please hold off on telling people you are in shul when you answer a call in shul. We all know you are answering the phone in shul. Our congregants are not friendly. If anybody fist bumps you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They’re trying to do Kiruv on you. If they smile or say ‘Shalom’ to you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They would not say 'Hello' to you if they knew you. We suggest you run from your home now. We’ve seen how not dirty some of you keep the shul. We do not believe that any of you will be able to make your home Kosher for Pesach. We ask people to sing Lecha Dodi with normal voices. We have no idea why everybody started singing in a high pitch harmony last Shabbat. Contemporary Halacha: This Tuesday Shiur on how to sing like a normal person and not Pinny, and how to clean your home for Pesach. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 9:22-24) Sfas Emes teaches that Aharon had a desire to bless the people after completing his first day of service... For some reason I have not felt that since becoming the Mora DAsra of this congregation... All you do is curse Max. Under your breath, you curse. We all know it’s a curse. When you say, ‘This piece of...’ It’s not a piece of a sacrifice... Nobody in our shul makes a decent piece of brisket. You're not requesting a dinner from our membership that can't cook. I have never been to a dinner at a congregant's home and felt a desire to bless... I still do Birkat Hamazon. (Vayikra 9:24) The people saw the fire that came down on the Altar and consume the elevation-offering and the fats. ‘The people saw and they sang joyous song and fell upon their faces.’ They were elated. Kind of like when Magic Johnson won the NBA title in 1987. And they sang good songs. There is nothing joyous about singing in this congregation... They had decent voices, Pinny. You can't serve Gd as a nation with really bad voices, cursing out everybody in the congregation... Because it's not joyous, Bernie. Even your singing sounds like a curse. It is a curse!!! When you sing, the last thing I want to do is bless... (Vayikra 10:1) Nadav and Avihu are killed for bringing an ‘alien fire’... Hearing the people of our shul sing is like a foreign sacrifice. Your singing is an unwanted service... This has nothing to do with illegal immigrants. Why you go there with every sermon I give now. Last time I was talking about cleaning for Pesach and you said I was offensive to illegal immigrants... I said nothing about immigration... You being on your phone is not what they would’ve done. You can't sing on the phone... Stop. You were on the phone. You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said, ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you had a conversation... Yes. We all heard. You were five times louder than you are when you say 'Amen.' You have more Kavanah answering your phone... I know it’s a phone. You don’t have to speak louder. Yelling doesn't help them hear you more five hundred miles away... You said, 'I am in shul right now.' You even said, 'I can't talk.' But you were talking. Exactly. And the rest of the congregation thought you were doing harmony... Because you sounded better than them... Serve H' correctly, with joy, without Bernie or Pinny singing, or Max talking on the phone, and people will want to join our congregation. People will want to praise H'. What’s with the fist bump? The kid is not going to be religious... Nobody serves H' with a fist bump. You don't pound it for Gd... You’re not cool. You’re fifty-six. We shake hands in shul. COVID ended... Stop. You’re the least friendly person I have ever met. And then you start giving fist bumps. People can see right through the fist. Stop pounding... Nothing brings togetherness here. Even the singing separates people here. It makes people not want to pray. And why all the high pitch singing... There is no melody. You’re harmonizing. The whole shul is like an amalgamation of the Bee Gees and Aaron Neville... His brothers sung melody. And please clean up the shul... Go away for Pesach. The dirt... I try to find some goodness. (Vayikra 10:3) Comforting Aharon Moshe tells him what H’ said: ‘I will be sanctified with those that are close to me. and I will be honored before the entire people.' How that comforted Aharon after his sons died. I don’t know. I do know that we should get rid of our congregants. That would sanctify H’. Rivka's Rundown Even when Max says ‘Hi’ it sounds like he’s cursing me. I might just be taking his Chuching the wrong way. He just talks on the phone in the middle of services, like it’s fine. Then he shushes people for talking. He thinks people don’t hear him on the other side of the phone. He talks so loud. It’s like he feels that since they’re on the other side of the country and really far, he has to yell. I think he has gotten to the point where he can't hear very well. That's why old people offend other people. They're thoughts are real loud, but they don't hear them. They think it's coming out in a thought and it's a loud yell with a Chuch for exclamation. Everything the rabbi says now is considered racist. He said we should have more fruit at Kiddish and people said that's against illegal aliens. I can’t believe the rabbi said COVID ended. That offended people more than the racism of saying people have to clean for Pesach. Truth is the fist bump is getting annoying. They pound people, thinking it's cool and that they will want to be Frum, because a a sixty-year-old with a long beard pounded. Some of the eighty-year-olds have no control. They end up hitting people. It’s amazing how strong they still are. I think the rabbi just wanted to not see congregants on Pesach. It had nothing to do with them having dirty homes. I don’t know what it is with the high pitch in our shul. They all think they're in Miami Boys Choir. I hear the singing and I start thinking about cursing. I am cursing under my breath. I can't wait till I get older and curse louder. I think the cleaning your home for Pesach is just an adjunct to the class. The Halach part is about how to sing like a normal person. That is truthfully what bothers the rabbi. Tags:
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I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar. 
Our enemies should die like squash. They should be squashed like squash and die...
I’m just working on the Rosh Hashana Simanim and my ability to curse enemies with vegetation. I feel like the gourd family allows me to get out my anger at our foes. 
Rabbi David Kilimnick, Israel's 'Father of Anglo Comedy' brings the Holy Land Comedy Experience of Solidarity to Your Community... [email protected]
Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18) 'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/29/2024
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