Announcements
To celebrate of July 4th and US Independence, we’ll have choolante. End of Year Celebration. Summer break. July. It’s a coming into July celebration. We are happy to say the kids aren’t here. We are celebrating not having to see your kids. A Simcha this Tuesday night. The program will be highlighted by no kids. The American Antisemitism program was greatly attended. We want to thank everybody for coming and learning about hatred of Jews. The rabbi did not come. To quote the rabbi: “I try to stay away from antisemitism. I will not go to a program that promotes it.” The Jews at the Amusement Park program was greatly attended last week, because it wasn’t in shul. We will plan to have our next program at the Drinking Pit, as congregants will show to that. Contemporary Halacha Class: How Choolante Made America Frum- Getting Fatter on Thursday Nights in Monsey. How to Celebrate a Bar Mitzvah Without Kids So That Everybody Will Be Happy. Why Programs on Antisemitism Draw People Who Also Hater Learning Torah. Should Our Shul Get a Water Slide or a New Torah- Discussions in Modern Jewish Practice. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Stop complaining about the cost of camp. The Jews were complaining to Edom because they were slaves for hundreds of years... You raised kids who are annoying. It’s not the same. Having to cook dinner does not mean you’re a slave. It’s called cooking... “Slaving over the soup” is not a respectable form of slavery... Freedom doesn’t mean your kids can pass through shul and bother everybody trying to Daven. You just freed yourselves from those annoying things. It’s like years of freedom. Each day at summer camp is a year of freedom. And that costs. Your kids not being here is freedom... (Bamidbar 20:17-20) Edom doesn’t let the Jews pass through. After sharing the story with their cousins, and even saying, “We won’t use anything”. Even after saying, “We won’t turn right or left till we pass through your land.” It's like the time the Hershkovitz Mishpuchi didn't host anybody for the Frankel Bat Mitzvah. The Frankel's cousins had to stay at a hotel. Thus killing the weekend... When you have to spend $280 on a room, per night, for a Bat Mitzvah, you are not happy. I believe their family broke up because of it... Bat Mitzvahs should not cost a guest more than eighty dollars for the weekend... We were telling Edom we weren't going to bother them. Your kids are annoying, and they bother everybody Ruchel. Even at the Bat Mitzvah... Even not drinking water. Edom first threatens with the sword and then comes out to kill the Jews. Or at least with “a vast force and a strong hand.” There is no end to the hatred. Anti-Semites don’t want us even passing through... I am saying your kids should not be passing through the Bima in the middle of Musaf. That's not antisemitism... Edom is how to not do Hachnasat Orchim. Edom and the Hershkovitz family are not good at welcoming guests... Look what happened in Europe... This is what happens when you don’t have Hachnasat Orchim. Kids running all around. A messed-up July 4th celebration with choolante... You end up with a hatred of people. You don’t even offer me a drink. The rabbi passes by your house. You’re like Edom... I do get the sense we need a strong force here to keep out congregants. Most of you show up to shul once a month... The daily is safe of anti-Semites. They know Jews don't go... Our congregants don't show up to Davening unless if they have a Yahrzeit. To Daven alone... What makes Edom so disgusting is how they treat people finding freedom. I’m trying to find freedom from this congregation. But you are evil. You all still come to shul. Once a month. But you still come. July 4th is about freedom. You help people with freedom. You bring the food. You offer it. Don’t be like Edom. Offer food and punch... A Jew would’ve offered fruit punch to people passing through. You come to shul, you help feed people... No soup kitchen. You don't draw that element. It is Independence Day weekend and we have a lot of divorcees in this shul. Dads can’t even pass through their own houses anymore... Let the divorcees into your home. Support them. Help people with their freedom... Always choolante. How is choolante American?... So, say you put hot dogs in it for July 4th... Why don’t you celebrate America by mowing your lawn, Shlomo?! Celebrate freedom. Fight Edom... Tucker Carlson is Edom. Don't let kids pass through... Sending your kids to camp is a way of showing love for your people. It’s kindness. It supports freedom in our shul. For the Jewish people... We are celebrating July 4th Shabbat by not having to see kids. It’s amazing. July is finally here. And Pinny, Bernie, and Leah Sarah are not. The kids are not here. B”H... The end of the year. Or is it July. We celebrate July. Because the kids are gone... Why is the youth director getting paid? I understand, you have a youth director and that draws kids... Well. Right now, Merv is doing a great job. Kids are not here. Yashkoych Merv. Merv deserves a raise... What happens when Edom acts as they do, there is hatred everywhere. They won’t even let us into the Topeka amusement park anymore. Antisemitism... Why would I go to an antisemitism program? I’m not an idiot... Then why are you calling it an "Antisemitism Program." It's like you're calling people to come to learn how to be better anti-Semites. You could've had the shul board present that program... Well. Antisemitism was in the title. You were promoting it. I didn’t go to the amusement park either... Because there are anti-Semites there Ruchel. To not allow Jews anymore... I heard one of our members went to the water park and took off their shirt. Great way to fight back and claim it as ours. I am proud of Menachem. We all know how out of shape Menachem is... It was told to me that Jews are not allowed to go down water slides anymore. The town council head called me and said it is a rabbinic ordination... Due to how out of shape our community is... Of course they are going to make you pay if you want to still go, after the banned us... They are trying to keep Jews out of the amusement park... It’s not antisemitism. They just know you don’t pay your dues... It seems like you value water slides more than Torah. The lesson we learn from Edom is to be kind. Let family pass through... From what Edom didn't do. Every day I learn from the board... The problem happened when they weren’t even willing to give them a drink. Have decent choolante for them... Don’t be like Edom. Treat people in search of freedom right. Send your kids to camp... Finally, I can Daven. (Bamdibar 20:21) “So Israel turned away from them.” Sometimes you have to stay away from evil, even if it’s your cousins. And this is why everybody hates the Hershkovitzs... Run from evil. And this is why I will be going on vacation next month... Rivka's Rundown The rabbis July 4th sermon was so touching. Especially the part about getting rid of kids for freedom. The rabbi’s message of being parents, though, is not going over the way he wants. They are still having kids. The Fountain Dew Hotel is not the greatest place. It's more like a motel guest house. But it's the only thing close to shul, and they charge a lot. The cost makes it more regal, and it is quite spacious if you hang out at the park right next to the Fountain Dew. Due to the rabbi's message, Hachnasat Orchim has changed in our shul. Now people are regularly cutting through my house on the way to shul. And they're calling me Edom, because I lock my doors when I'm sleeping. The rabbi had the community out up in arms, looking for Edom, to fight the battle for our people. Once they realized that Harry's Doughnuts was fine with Jews shopping there, they relaxed a bit. They also realized that the mall was fine with Jews going in there and not buying anything. It turns out that Edom is not in Topeka, except for out the Fountain Dew, where they charge too much. And at the Hershkovitz house. Never seen a rabbi so happy to celebrate not having to see his congregants for a week. I think he thought end of year gets him out of work too. The rabbi was not himself for a couple of days, after hearing that he was still the rabbi of the shul. The July end of year celebration was for the school year, but he was happy not having to see the kids. To quote the rabbi's words he gave over at the celebration, “If only the parents left for the summer too.” They served choolante on a barbecue. This made the July 4th celebration more American. There is a certain point where being Frum doesn't seem to capture the gestalt of America. At my family July 4th celebration we had deli. Pastrami is Jewish and American. Merv took the rabbi's message to heart. He stopped working altogether. There are no youth groups for the summer. The director gets paid for organizing not having kids in the shul. And the rabbi decided that Merv should be doing that all year, as "the shul is so much better without youth." Why so many Jews showed to the antisemitism program, I am wondering about that myself. They banned Jews from going to water parks now in our town, thanks to Menachem's torso. The Jews are now protesting. Why Jews want to go places they are not wanted, I still can't figure this out. The antisemitism program and the water park now. Our congregants should be walking around with picket signs. Go down the water slides yelling in an act of protest. And because they're scared of shirtless Menachem. They should truly ban that guy from everywhere. Scare as anything. There was a big fight at the water park, as at the antisemitism event they said to make a big deal and fight antisemitism. It turns out the park was against the act of public scariness of Jews in bathing suits. Children were scared. The town council suggested we keep Menachem in shul until he doesn’t scare people anymore. The rabbi was against that. The rabbi had to fight with the town to suggest to keep Menachem away from Minyin. The rabbi said that was not an act of antisemitism. It's just that the rabbi is scared of having to see congregants. After much discussion and protest, Jews are now allowed at the water park with sweatshirts. It is the worst amusement park. When you name the amusement park after your own city, that people are trying to get out of. People try to get out of Topeka to enjoy themselves. And now they're going to the Topeka Amusement Park. The renovations committee decided on the water slide in the sanctuary, to draw more people. The idea of a new Torah was nixed, due to the lack of draw. The idea is to now have services at the Drinking Pit. I personally think we need kids around, to get the guys out of the Drinking Pit and back to shul for Davening. One positive aspect of kids is that they can't drink in shul, unless if Rob is there. Rob is the schnapps man to the children. The candyman job was already taken. Rob wanted to do something for the youth. I shouldn’t have said I would use shul money and do non-profit renovations to my house if I was on the board, last week. That was a mistake. The IRS is now auditing me. It turns out that I never hear about the programs when they're happening. They're always showing up in the announcements after they're done. It must be one of those new shul safety things where you announce the program afterwards, so the anti-Semites don't find out. Though, I still think Menachem should warn people before taking off his shirt. It's disgusting. I would understand antisemitism if that was the reason. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Korach6/29/2025
Announcements
Our Sefer Torahs are now covered for fire and wind. So everybody should feel safe carrying the Torah and reading from it. Torah insurance is important and holy, as Baruch sold it to us. And Baruch gave his word on the Torah that we need Torah insurance for H'. Simcha wants to apologize for taking the Bris leftovers. He thought that since it was there, it was for the taking. He wants the congregation to know that he will not take any leftovers from any more Simchas. You can invite him to weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Our shul has now decided to say extra Tefillahs for the war. It would be good if you showed up to shul to say the prayers. Rabbi’s Message: I would not trust any of you to pray for our people at home. Your individual Kavanah, which didn’t help Sharon heal after she got her tonsils taken out, will lead to catastrophe. Contemporary Halacha Class: Laws of Stealing When it Comes to the Torah Which Says Not to Steal. How Malkie Buys Everything- Is Selling to Malkie Schwartzberg Stealing from Mark Schwartzberg. When Is it Considered Stealing from The Bal Simcha- Is it Two Servings of Hash Browns. Why We Need Communal Tefillah and How to Stop Our Community from Affecting Prayers. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... You complain like Bnei Yisrael after Korach gets swallowed by earth... I understand that’s a bit dramatic. Have you ever heard Cindy and Carol whine? Bnei Yisrael was not that high pitched... H’ wouldn’t have heard them... When you complain about the new doorway dimensions, it's at such a high pitch... Even after you see I am right, you complain. You ask “why is this rabbi leading the congregation?” Because you hired me!!! You would’ve hired Moshe and Aharon... H’ would’ve hired me. After Korach is swallowed up by the earth and then more protesting by the Jewish people, there's another plague. Which is the normal response to continued complaining from congregants... I’ve thrown lice on my children... This shul needs a plague. Something to stop the board and the committees... They're a plague themselves. Plagues beget plagues... Maybe locusts at the next meeting... (Bamidbar 17:9-15) Due to the people complaining after the Korach fiasco a plague begins amongst the people... How often do you have to be wrong? At a certain point, it’s time for a plague. Which is why I propose pinching anybody that asks questions to the rabbi... Aharon stops the plague with his incense... This is not a sermon against drugs... I’m not pro-drugs. It’s just incense, Bernie. He stood among the people with incense. That stops plagues. And the poignant smell of marijuana... (Bamidbar 17:13) “And he stood between the dead and the living, and the plague stopped.” You have to put yourself on the line to stop destruction. I have stopped so many people from joining this shul... The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah have destroyed enough lives. I've seen your children... Our soldiers have been out there, acting on behalf of our people. Saving us. Standing between the dead and the living. Standing there on behalf of our people... Our congregants won't even stand between Lenny and the other kids trying to get a couple candies from a Bar Mitzvah candying... Lenny is quite violent. Our renovation committee has done nothing!!! You can't even save a Torah... Renovations do not help save a Torah. Rashi teaches that Aharon stopped the angel from his mission from H’. He let the angel know that it is H’s will, as what Moshe says is only from Gd, to stop the plague. You can't argue with that. Yet. I get arguments about the crown molding on the doorway all the time... Plagues beget plagues. And plagues stop plagues. Who is standing in between the sinners of our shul and the good people of other congregations? Who is making sure the plague of our shul board doesn’t spread... A plague will not hit the Torah. The plague is the shul board wasting money on everything... Fire and wind damage protection on a Torah?! It’s a Torah??! Who brings a Sefer Torah to a bonfire... Then how do you burn it?! Well don’t take the shul’s Sefer Torah on your camping trip. What about rain damage?! You have wind. What about water? Is this home insurance where you have to pay more for flooding?! Torah flooding?... How is Torah insurance part of renovations again? Insurance covers the Torah... Have the insurance lady come to our Sofer expo and she will understand that each letter takes a couple minutes, and she will understand why a Torah costs a 100k. You’re the renovations committee. Not the Torah committee. You don’t renovate a Torah. You should’ve got letter damage insurance. Torah letter damage makes sense. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t understand why we need fire and wind protection to read from the Torah. We need Bar Mitzvah boy protection. If the kid reads slow and doesn’t enunciate, we take away his Bar Mitzvah. Baal Koreh insurance so that we don't have to pay the Torah reader if he makes a mistake. We should be yelling at the Baal Koreh more. Gabai insurance... People attack the Gabai when they’re not called up to the Torah. I've seen him limping due to injury... Who will stop this renovation committee before the shul is destroyed from the plague of lack of money. And the lack of paid dues plague. Just because Baruch says we need it, does not mean we need it. Who sold the shul the insurance?... Baruch sold it to us??? Of course he says it's good. That Halacha says we need it... A Yarmulke does not make it an honest sale. The beard doesn't make Baruch a rabbi... He grew the beard to sell Torah insurance... When he was a mechanic he had a Yarmulke, because he was in a Frum neighborhood. When he sold chandeliers in Borough Park, he had a Streimel. As an Uber driver he didn't have a Kippah. He wore a turban... Yes. He's just offensive. Baruch is a racist... Simcha. You apologized because it wasn’t your family’s Bris. It was Nachum and Rebecca’s child’s Bris, and we appreciate that you acknowledged that you are not part of their family, and you will not be paying for their child to go to our Jewish day school. You still took stuff. You saw leftovers and you packed it up... Of course they thought the other side told you to take it, because it’s awkward. Who takes food from another family's Simcha.. I know it was good. That's why Nachum and Rebecca wanted it... You can The Bal HaBayit assumed you were told to take it. Who would take his leftovers in full tins?! Like it was a soup kitchen and you were feeding the hungry... I get your family likes to eat breakfast too. And there is tomorrow. That is correct. Nachum yelled at his in-laws. He thought his mother-in-law told you to take the lox... Did you learn your lesson? Other than not having to purchase any groceries, did you learn a lesson?... With your logic, guests will come and take everything. Why not just have a take away Simcha. Like Yossi’s Not Treif Butcher... It’s a take away. A don’t eat here, so Simcha Simchavitz can have more food at his house. The plague of not enough food at Simchas anymore because Simcha takes it all home. Doggy bags it... It is incense that takes the lives of the sinners, and it also saves lives and stops plagues. If somebody stood between Simcha and the scrambled eggs... The money that the committee has wasted, we need to use that to learn Torah. We need to stand between the board and the shul... We must pray to H’ to get rid of the evil. To stand between the good and the bad. We have been saying Avinu Malkeinu now that there's more war... It's more war. There is war and then more war... It’s a prayer. We add it. We care about our people... You've been saying it all these years. You sing it on Yom Kippur with such commitment. Because you have no idea what it means... I know it's a great song. The plague of my congregants. Avinu Malkeinu... It means "Our Father, our King." Maybe Gd will step in for us. Forgive us. And get rid of the board... If we just got rid of selfishness, and the board. And dumb ideas for renovations and extra insurance policies because a guy with a beard sold it... It all happened because Korach thought everything was his. It belonged to him... It belongs to Gd, Simcha!!! Now I know why you take all the food from the parties. You hear "It's a Simcha" and you think it's yours. Simcha doesn’t care about his people. He just wants to eat his people’s food... It was Nachum and Rebbecas. You stole it... Fire and wind??? Are you blowing on the Torah? Are you reading it and Fufing it? And the board owes me a nice parking spot. You should renovate the rabbi's spot... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi threw water on people coming to Minyin this week. He thought that if he did that, he would get more people coming. He said the idea came from the concept that plagues stop plagues, figuring this would stop the plague of no Minyin. He even started screaming at the Chazin, telling him he couldn't sing, in order to get rid of the plague of the Chazin. That one worked. The Chazin quit. The plague of candies being thrown at children real hard, to get them to stop asking for candy in the middle of Davening, begot a lot of injured children. The rabbi did make his point when he said the board is a plague. And this is why he stands between the board and the two congregants he likes. Once they heard there would be locusts at the board meeting, nobody showed. The renovations committee said they're saving our community. To quote, "We are soldiers for Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah." The rabbi told them to not take credit for saving our people from Iran. Somehow, they feel they have taken down the regime by raising money for a new floor tile. The shul understood the rabbi explaining that he works for them because they hired him. The shul didn’t see how that had anything to do with Korach. The board will spend money on anything somebody is selling. Fire and wind damage on Sefer Torahs seem to be important now, because somebody was selling it. Malka bought tinsels at The Christmas Tree Shop for Kiddish, because they were selling them. I think it also had something to do with her having the shul credit card. And her not paying for it. The argument from Samantha was that her house got damaged and they had no insurance. The rabbi explained that the shul is not in a basement. It turns came out that she had water damage. Fire and wind, it turns out, doesn’t cover water. At first, I heard Baruch say earth, wind and fire insurance. I told him that was a band and they didn't sell insurance. That's why he changed it to just fire and wind insurance. The board spends money on everything, because it's not their money. That's the problem. I think I'm going to stop paying my dues till I'm on the board. Then, I'm going to do upgrades on my home. Do non-profit renovations on my house. Baruch wore his Yarmulke when he sold the Torah fire and wind insurance. So, the committee thought it was their religious duty to get it. That was the first time I saw him in shul in twelve years. To sell Torah Fire and Wind. Lack of paid membership dues plague is a real thing. The board just hasn't figured out that people aren't members anymore. It's the lack of members plague. It's the lack of people wanting to sit at Kiddish with our congregants plague. Beautiful Bris by the way. Great food. I understand why Simcha took it. Lox, scrambled eggs- the omelettish type where it's fried a little in a big pan and sticks together in big smooth pieces, everything bagels- for everybody. I love the Bris scrambled eggs. Special cafeteria style scrambled. And then bagels for everybody. Who doesn't love everything bagels? It has everything. Even if you like poppy seed, it's there. They even had Danish. And Simcha was pretty smooth. You take a tin with that much confidence, you ask the caterer for your own serving utensil, you take it, nobody notices. They think it's your Simcha. That or you're working the kitchen. Nachum and Rebbeca thought the other side of the family told Simcha to take the food. Who would fill up their own empty the platters in the middle of the Bris? And with tins?! And then to tinfoil it?! Simcha, later in the week, expressed his anger that the caterer didn’t give him the leftovers at their Bris. So, he took it out on Nachum and Rebbeca. He didn’t even know the kid’s name. When asked why he didn't offer to pay, Simcha said, "It's not my kid." That started a whole ruckus where Rebbeca had the nerve to say, "It's not your food." To which Simcha Was shocked. As he said, "My name is Simcha." That's probably where Simcha gets his name. He gets his food from Simchas. It took a lot of talking to for Simcha to understand that the food at a SImcha is only yours at the Simcha. After he understood this, he started taking as much food as he could at the smorgsboard. And he also loaded from the buffet. Took a tin from the buffet to his table. His family ate well at the parties. He even started fasting for days before Simchas. Later on, the rabbi said, "It's yours and others as well." That concept didn't compute, as Simcha has made it a point since to guard his plate at all cost. He built a table contraption to close off his area at Simchas now. He puts down his seating card and then places a plastic box over his area. Thus, creating a cubby for his plate. The fact that Avinu Malkeinu added a minute to Davening, less congregants showed up to shul. They said they care about our people and Israel, as long as we keep Davening to a minimum. The When Stealing from Bal Simcha Class led to how much you have to give as a gift. Since that class, Simcha has been packaging food at the Simchas and giving it to the Bal Simchas as a present. If it's a wedding, Simcha will package two trays of their food. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shelach6/22/2025
Announcements
Women’s salsa dance classes will now be taking place in the shul every Wednesday. Men are not allowed, so salsa permissible. We commend the old people for coming to shul, even though they have arthritis. The pain you deal with is unimaginable, as we hear you groaning in shul. To quote the rabbi: “It’s not as painful as having you as congregants We ask that the men are honest and let the Gabai know if they’re too weak to do Hagba. The women of the shul want the guys to know that they look like a bunch of weak losers. And it looks worse when they can’t open more than three columns. The women have sent a list to the Gabai, letting them know which husbands can’t even bring in the groceries from the driveway. The wives say their husbands are too weak, due to too much use of recliners. It turns out no man in this shul has any strength, or they just make it a point to not help out around the house. Contemporary Halacha Class: What Is Arthritis and Why Does Every Old Jew Have It. How Hagba Has Caused Many Heart Attacks Among Jews Who Have Watched Our Congregants Lift the Torah. Working Out Is Not Forbidden- How Being Out of Shape and Looking Like a Congregant is Not a Religious Duty. How to Not Help Your Wife Around the House with Mr. Schwartzman. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 14) They're told they are going to die in the desert... Sometimes honesty does not make you feel good. Knowing I have a contract at this shul for another three years does not make me feel good. Having to see Bernie every Shabbat does not make me feel good... Some people don’t like hearing they’re going to die... Our ancestors wanted to live. They didn’t have congregants... (Bamidbar 14:40-41) After shaming Gd with the spies fiasco, all the sudden they want to apologize and go to Israel, and Moshe says, “Why are you going against Gd’s word...” All of the sudden they accept Gd can help them. When they're going to die. As the saying goes, "There are no atheists in Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefeilah." Just like Yitzie Chayim Moishie’s Hagba. Didn’t need help in the beginning, and then everybody had to run to help him... When they hear they’re going to die, all the sudden, “We’ll listen to Gd now”... Well let’s talk about Timothy’s funeral... Okay. Then let's not talk about Timothy's funeral... Moshe continues, “And it will not succeed.” It's too late. H' won't help now. The enemies will kill them without H’... Has anything in this shul succeeded? Sometimes it’s too late. SOmetimes the punishment is there and you have to accept it. We haven’t even started the renovations and it’s too late... Too late to make it look good, because it’s not what H’ wanted... H’ wants an ark and people praying, Bernie. And I am having a hard time having to deal with you as a congregant... It’s too late when you have a committee making decisions... Once the committee is formed. It’s too late. Gd is not there... Because committees make dumb decisions. They ruin everything beautiful about our religion. They get rid of Kichel at Kiddish... Well. Without Kichel, you've killed tradition. And without a floor in the shul... You already ripped up the floor to the shul... It’s not helpful, because you can’t start the renovations yet. We are now Davening on a half a carpet... An old carpet is better than half a carpet. We need H's help to succeed, especially when our shul has committees... And I do worry about the Mechitzah Committee. H' is not on your side... Rashi teaches “What you are going to do will not be successful.” If somebody would’ve just told the board that, maybe we would have a beautiful shul, and Bernie would stop talking. Maybe we wouldn't have a board. If somebody would’ve just told me there is no hope here... If we didn't have a board, we would have been redeemed... When it’s too late and H’ doesn’t agree with you, don’t do dumb things, because it won’t work out... Then don’t go against the word of Gd. Who goes against Gd???!!! Why are you going against Gd?!!! Why did you get rid of the carpet and Kichel?! You're not the president of the shul... It’s too late to do what’s right. Now we have Frum women dancing salsa... So now, if it’s a women’s event, it’s fine?! What happened to the "Hora" and "Mayim BSason"? It's Jewish dance class. When did salsa become Jewish??? Salsa??? Are we going to have merengue dance parties in the sanctuary now?... I was against the limbo. First Bar Mitzvah I saw that at, I kicked out the band... Just because it’s in the women’s section does not make it Mutar. Just because it’s a women’s only event does not make it Jewish... Do I have to hear you groaning in the middle of my sermon?... Your noise is painful. Just hearing you, I don't feel good... You are painful. Seeing you age hurts... It’s painful because you’ve eaten like an animal till now. It’s too late for Felvel to be in shape. He has no hope... Yes you have to keep in shape. You just can’t do salsa... Because Jews don’t do salsa. And now, all the sudden, you ask Gd for help with your arthritis. And then to have to see you do Hagba. It’s pathetic. He can't help with that much patheticness... You needed the spot. Otherwise, the Torah would’ve fallen when you said “ouch. my back. My back is a goner...” You pulled your hand away from the Torah to clench your back. Pinchas caught the Torah. Saved us from all having to fast... Pinchas is a hero. A Calev... Does the hand back there even work?! Does bringing your hand to the back stop the pain?! Half the congregation is too weak to bring out the Torah, let alone Hagba. Pathetic... The Gabai never asks you because you look weak... I know you’ve been working out. You just look out of shape Yitz. No Yitzi has ever looked strong. Yitzi Chayim Moishie. I don't even think the ping pong team would've taken you... Hagba has looked pathetic in this congregation. We got Shmuly going for eight columns... Looks great until you get all loose. It slacked and it was pathetic. You look strong and then “This guy is a loser. Somebody's got to pick up the parchment”... Three columns is fine. You may look weak. But it doesn’t look as bad as when the whole shul has to jump to your aid... Why the Gabai is spotting you right away, right after he asked you to do Hagba is a smack in the face... It means he doesn’t trust you and wants you to look bad... It looks almost as bad as Galila. Probably even worse. At least Torah rolling takes some skill. A good tight Galila is respectable for weak people... Without H’, it’s not successful. If you’re weak and without H’ you will die... The point is something bad will happen if you drop the Torah. Chas vShalom. Nowhere in the Torah does Gd say he wants Jews to have their bellies hanging over their belts. Even if they do go out for choolante on Thursday night... Work out for H’. Put in the effort. We are purchasing a weight room for the back of the shul... So you guys can work on your Hagba. Accept that you have truly sinned and not prepared correctly. That you have listened to the Meraglim and are weak... The board. It’s all the same. If the board would’ve went to spy out the land, they would’ve come back with negative reports about the land and how it needs to be renovated... There will also be a dance studio. A weight room and a dance studio. That's how we'll connect with H'. (Bamidbar 14:41) “For we have sinned.” All the sudden they say they've sinned. And our renovation committee still hasn't apologized for renovating my seat... You should apologize, because you haven't put on the other cushion. I'm sitting on concrete. Or HaChaim teaches that their apology was not sufficient because it was not sincere. It was only because of regret that they’re not going to enter Israel. When it’s too late, we know, it’s not sincere. Sincerity comes when you don’t make dumb committee decisions. When you don't have a Samantha Bracha Tova on the board... Sincerity. Accept you messed up. Then you can succeed, accepting you’re a loser who doesn’t work out. Then you can succeed with a little three column pathetic Hagba. Accepting that Frum women don’t do salsa. At least you can be a good Jew. Not a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... It’s going against Gd’s word and it will not succeed. When it’s not sincere, it goes against Gd’s word. Like every one of you liars who told me this is a beautiful congregation... Well not anymore. After you finish renovations... What will succeed? Not messing up everything to begin with. Not listening to Baruch Moishie and Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit... We have the fakest congregants... At least we can see the Botox. Your face is just not you. It's too late to apologize for that. If you can sincerely see where you messed up on the renovations. The salsa. The Gabai who can't figure out a decent Hagba. Getting rid of Kichel... Of course. Do Teshuva now. Sincere Teshuva. Timothy is dead... For this congregation it's too late. I don't think I could ever forgive you. It's only because you want me for another three years. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi realized real quick that it wasn’t a good idea to talk about Timothy’s funeral. Nobody showed up. Not even the rabbi. It was a sore subject, especially because people found out later that Timothy had a lot of money. The rabbi blamed the length of this week's sermon on Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit's name. I think the rabbi was saying that congregants make him want to shoot himself. He truly connected with Moshe, as he said, "If I was leading you in the desert, I would’ve happily not gone into Israel with you. And I would've hoped the board would've perished." He softened that by saying, "Only because you would've sinned to Gd." I believe the point the rabbi was making is that Frum Jews don't do salsa. If they dance, they can't do Teshuva. That, and that Geula hasn't happened yet because the board put together a committee who stopped serving Kichel at Kiddish. Which Gd doesn't support. And that is the reason the renovations in the shul are messed up. I believe that summarizes the message of the sermon. Our rabbi is always practical. They couldn’t afford the office staff and the trainer. So, they got rid of the executive director and now we have Svan running the shul finances. How every trainer is names Svan I do not know. Everything is a program nowadays. Nothing is holy. If it brings Jews, it’s a Jewish thing for a shul. They had pizza making. How that’s Jewish. No idea. They then had a book club where they discussed Grapes of Wrath. Somehow that’s Jewish if Jews are discussing it. It turned out that what truly made Grapes of Wrath Jewish is that it was Jewish women discussing it. Anything that is forbidden is fine if it's a women’s events. They even have women singing hip hop and Cardi B in the shul now. Ladies Karaoke Night is Jewish, because it's just women. As long as it’s a women’s event, it’s Jewish. Popcorn and Pickleball is another event the shul started hosting in the social hall. Men tried joining, but they were kicked out for being heretics. Samantha Bracha Tova Bas Bayla Yehudit said, "Men make it Asur. Pickleball is only permitted for women." Now the women are also having shul pool parties. The men are allowed to learn Torah. That's not forbidden for men. Our rabbi truly did stop the limbo. First time he heard it at the Bar Mitzvah, he kicked out that band. Then, all the sudden the limbo became tradition, along with the chicken dance. Which I feel is Asur, because it makes fun of chickens. They grunt all day. The old men reach for schnapps at Kiddish and grunt. You hear a loud “Oy. My back.” Their backs are always going. I think they drink the schnapps to forget the pain. All you hear in shul is the old people complaining about their pain. It's a competition. Competitive arthritis. Everybody has arthritis. I have no idea exactly what arthritis is. I believe it's any pain an old person gets from being old. The rabbi explained arthritis in his contemporary Halacha class. To quote, "Every old person has arthritis because they have you as their children." So, I am thinking it's an old person disease that they get for having kids. I understand strength classes. Habgba just looks pathetic when these guys do it. You see them going full arm out and then it all slacks. You’ve got four guys jumping in to help get the parchment back in place. They have to put it back on the table to roll it. It's a painful ordeal, especially when you have five guy's whose backs all go at once. We need to get in better shape here. They all talk about security and the need for safety. If anybody came to attack our shul, half the members wouldn't be able to raise their arms. That's probably why they're always interrupting the Drashas. They're too weak to raise their hands with a question. Men have to be honest and say they’re weak. or they haven’t hit the gym. With the gym and salsa classes, the JCC is going to go out of business. The JCC has Israeli dance classes. But women's salsa classes are more Jewish. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Behalotcha6/15/2025
Announcements
It’s Father’s Day this Sunday, so remember who to blame for messing you up. After the board’s investigation, we want all to know we don’t have any Sotahs in the shul. Nonetheless, Mrs. Bergenfeld is not trustworthy. We don’t suggest you trust Mrs. Bergenfeld with your plate at Kiddish. She’ll swipe your Kichel. If anybody wants to keep their donation that they donated already, as donations, now is the time to donate more money. As a new fundraiser, the renovations committee has decided that any donations made in the past are not donations anymore. Nobody cares about Freddy Markowitz dying eight years ago. To quote the President of the Board: "We already got the money from that death." But we will care about Freddy again if you donate another Parochet, curtain, for the Aron. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up Your Bar Mitzvah Parsha Because Your Dad is a Sinner and Never Around. The Obligation of a Shul to Not Care for Your Loved Ones Who Have Passed Without a Donation. Women You Shouldn't Trust in Shul and What It's Like to Be on a Committee with Mrs. Bergenfeld, Even Though She's Ninety. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 8:22) “After this, the Levites came to perform the service.” They prepared. They didn’t just show up, like Yankel for his Bar Mitzvah... Worst Layning I've ever heard. Did Yankel even know it was Behalotcha?!... If he listened during Hebrew school classes, it would've been better. Still would've got it wrong, but he would've been reading Hebrew... Yankel. The Torah was not written in Sanskrit. When you have a Gabai that puts no effort into anything, you get Shavuot with no flowers on the Bima. There wasn't even a dandelion... Well. Putting together a flower committee was the problem. A committee of dads. Have you ever seen a father in this shul help?!... They’re always running around. Working. Not helping Yankel... They run to not help. Without preparation the service gets messed up. You end up with a Chazin like... (Bamidbar 9:2) “The Pesach sacrifice at its time...” Have we ever started Minyin on time? There’s a time for Minyin. Not a half hour late. It doesn't say in the Torah to start Shacharit half hour after it's Zman. "Make sure to Daven to H' at the wrong times." Things were at times. When you’re running... I understand you want to get away from the kids. Then, tun to Minyin... You prepare in order to do things at the right time. Our shul prepares to do things late... The dinner last month started two hours late. And that was prepared. Even the caterer starts stuff late at our shul... Sean Christopher Catering is not a member... When did they serve? Good question. Well let me tell you... The Pesach service was on Pesach. "at its time"... The Pesach time is Pesach. Not during Rosh Hashana... (Bamdibar 9:19) When the cloud was there for many days “the children of Israel kept Gd’s shifts (Mishmeret) and didn’t travel.” You can’t keep Gd’s shifts on the road with Hells Angels. The Levites weren't ride or die... I understand you like to ride and get away from your family for Father’s Day. We all deserve that gift. I want to get away from this shul... There should be a Rabbi’s Day. A day where congregants hold off on asking dumb questions... You can’t do Gd’s Mitzvot of raising a good family in a biker bar... You can’t accomplish on the move. When you’re on the road, you’re stagnant... I know you’re moving, but you’re not... Travel is when you accomplish nothing, other than getting away from your family. Which I understand has value. Travel is why your lawn looks disgusting... Mow the thing before your trip then... You have to be in one place. That is how you serve H’... You’re not doing shifts when you’re out fishing in Vermont. You’re all always running. Trips, vacation. The only place you’re not running to is shul.... How much do you do in Disney World... I know the Epcot is cool. Is there a Tabernacle there? When is the time? When you’re still. Inertia... The laws of inertia are objects in motion accomplish nothing... You have to prepare. But once you have it all down, you stay. If you want to accomplish, if you want to serve, you stay in the same spot... I'm not saying that everything accomplished is good. See the youth of our shul... Somebody messed you up. You don’t end up like this without nurture... I called the day school. They said it’s not their fault. I spoke to the athletics department at the JCC. They’re not taking blame. You can't blame them. Blame your dad. It’s your dads' faults. Because they're around... Your dads mess you up. Sometimes, being present doesn't help... Yankel's dad should've been around. That kid needed somebody to help with the Layning. Last week we learned that we do not have any Sotahs in the congregation... Dad is always traveling. That’s why there are the Sotah accusations. You can’t serve your family when traveling... Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here... We also did Nida checks... You still have to honor your father. You do that by not running around. Going to Guatemala is not how you honor your dad... We all know Yankel’s dad messed up. If Yankel’s dad wasn’t always running around, his Layning would’ve been decent... At least he would’ve felt guilty enough to practice... A male Sotah. Traveling for business?!... Stealing is still wrong Mrs. Bergenfeld. Even if it’s off somebody’s Kiddish plate, it’s still Geneyva... It doesn't make you a Sotah. Even so, you are not to be trusted... It’s about Kedusha. We have a shul in place here. It’s in one place. We should be serving Gd... The whole idea of the traveling shul, what you guys call engagement, is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. "Let's have a shul in different houses every week, so that people who don't go to shul will come to shul..." Well. They're still not going to shul. They're popping over to Ruchie's house... The cloud was lifted a long time ago. But you are still here in the shul. So. I have to deal with you... Prepare and serve. This Tabernacle was already built. We can serve here. In the shul. Now... Don't need to have Shabbat Minyin on the golf course. As engagement... It has all been prepared. Donations have been given to the shul. It has been built. We are here... So. What you have decided are donations, are worthless... Getting rid of donations brings in new donations?! I don't understand. It's as if you want to move out all the dead people and bring in new ones... Well, whose name is on the Torah cover?... How are new Torah covers and Parochets, curtains, part of renovations now?... But people donated those. It was prepared. It is now up to us to serve Gd with them... That is an actual message, Bernie. Dealing with what we learned in the Parsha... I know that was meaningful... Shul is about tradition. You don’t just get rid of stuff because the donation is over. Donations are how we prepare. We prepared... They didn't renovate the Tabernacle. It was built, and that was how it stayed until they had to move. You prepare and you serve while there... I have suggested moving the shul to Israel. Or at least paying me to live there... You have tagged the Torah cover. I would be perfectly fine if the Cornblooms took the board out for it. This is donation Gangland you’re creating... Well, the Cornblooms' grandfather also died. And he died before yours. Tradition has everything to do with donations from the past... Now you’re giving away Max’s seat??? It was a lifetime seat... He’s still here. He paid for it. But now he has to pay again, as part of renovations... So you have renovated his donation to the trash. So, we’re taking down the Markowitz Parochet and putting up a new Markowitz Parochet... Again. Moving things. That is when you're not serving Gd. Even if there is money involved... Shul is not just about money. It's about commemorating the dead for money... (Bamidbar 9:23) “At the word of Gd they encamped and at the word of Gd they traveled.” There are times to travel. But that is according to when Gd tells you to. Not when you feel a draft... I understand you like to go down to Florida. But a wind comes through our town and that next day you're on a plane to Boca... It's June. It was a breeze. Topeka has fresh air. It doesn't kill you. Even if you feel it... You can call it a draft and it still won't kill you. We didn’t leave until Gd said, “Now it’s time.” He did that by bringing up the cloud a bit. Gd did not say to change the Parochet. He didn't say that donations of the past mean nothing. He also didn't tell Tzachi to ruin his marriage. He didn't say, "There's a breeze in the desert. Now it's time to take the Tabernacle to Fort Lauderdale." He didn't say, "Go to Florida and leave your family." If H' lifted the Torah covers, I would understand that we need to renovate and change. Then we pulled out silver trumpets... We celebrated it, because Gd told us to. It had reason. Nobody is celebrating the renovations in this shul and forgetting their grandparents... Your band is not heavenly. There is not trumpet. Gd doesn't appreciate kazoos... And they finally settled in Israel... Every time there is a storm, we don't say, "Now it's time to move." We didn't move the Temple from Jerusalem to Bat Yam, because there is less of a breeze there. You do things in their time, with preparation. But you have to be there to do them. You have to be present for Gd to tell you. This is why we have Pesach Sheini... Because you guys mess up everything, and you're not around. And that is why your son can't Layn. A Busha... Rivka's Rundown A beautiful message to the dads for Father's Day. Our rabbi always knows how to bring meaning to our celebrations. Shavuot was pathetic. No floral arrangements. Ended up having to have kids cut flowers. Turned into a paperchain. I thought they were celebrating Sukkot in the sanctuary. Turns out anything our kids do turns into a paperchain or paper mache. Last resorts always end up with the kids. It goes from committee to “let the kids do it.” That shifts all blame to the little ones. According to the parents, the children of our shul can’t do anything wrong. The rabbi disagrees. And the rabbi made a point of saying he doesn't consider paperchains art, or flowers. He sparked a whole debate in the shul. Fights were had and the result is the Shavuot committee has decided that whatever kids say they did is true. So, paperchains are not considered flowers in our shul. Our congregants are messed up. And I would say it’s the parents’ fault. We have to blame somebody, and the rabbi is not willing to blame himself. "Around or not around, you're messing up your kids here." I am not sure what the rabbi was trying to say. I think the rabbi was promoting divorce. At least getting rid of the husbands. The rabbi truly ripped into Yankel's family. His Layning was off. Truly off. To quote the rabbi, "Off. Like his dad." Our congregants are always getting away. Their goal is to not be in Topeka. They live here to not be here. That's their reason for living. They run. They pack for their trips. They never mow their lawn for their trips. It turns out our shul can't accomplish a Minyin when people are not around. The rabbi actually checked if there were Sotahs. The rabbi generally helps with Nida checks, though he’s colorblind. This time he did the regular checks and made every Nida drink seltzer. Mrs. Bergenfeld swipes everything. She’s eighty-eight, yet a very aggressive Kiddish eater. The rabbi is so against this whole new idea of what the board calls "engagement." The idea is you reach out to people where they are at. So, you go to the bar, the sports club, and you don't go to shul. The engagement committee said we have to go to the bar more often and have services there, while getting a bit drunk to connect better. That idea was brought up by the Kiddish club. It is the one program in our shul that is well attended. The only Minyin that people show up early to. Everything has a committee now. The engagement committee, the Shavuot committee, the Layning committee which kicked Yankel out of the shul. We have at least fifteen committees. I think the same people are on each one, as each committee ends up doing the same thing. They talk for a few minutes about their kids and they do nothing. The rabbi is so correct. I am not donating anything. I'm not even donating Kiddish. Watch this. I will donate Kiddish on Shabbat, and then somebody else will donate it too, and my name will be off it. I heard that the office takes double Kiddish donations, sometimes triple, and they charge everybody fully. It's a scam. I think I saw the secretary once take down a plaque in front of the library and put up a different one for dead person photo op. I think the families are giving the money. The dead person's name gets put up, but the family flips the bill. So, they take the picture of the dead person's name and send it to the family. Conclusion, when you give a donation, it's for the picture of the plaque. The shul has pulled over 100k on the Markowitz Parochet. Taken it down and put it back up around eight times. Each time, the Markowitz family gives more for the curtain, to keep that name on it. It's donation extortion. The board is now arguing that tradition in a shul is not important. They had a meeting and decided that tradition counts if it raises money. The board has decided that everything is part of renovations. They even got a new strainer. The Maurice Landsfeld Strainer. They started the renovations two months ago. They have now renovated a Torah cover. Renovated the Simchovitz family off it. The renovation committee is doing what they can to get rid of drafts in our town as well. They want the shul to be more accessible for older people and people with disabilities, such as age. The idea with the renovations is to make shul wheelchair friendly and free of drafts. One member mentioned beer at Kiddish and some of the older people freaked out when they heard they might bring draft. I thought that was funny. I came up with that joke. You get it? Draft beer. The Mrs. Bergenfeld class title was the longest class title we ever had. I think it was a statement of anger. In the class, the rabbi addressed the contemporary Halacha of stealing his choolante meat. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Nasso6/8/2025
Announcements
Tikun Layl Shavuot was an excellent evening. A couple of people learned. But the conversations and cheesecake truly brought the community together. We want to thank the Simchovitz family for sponsoring the cocktails. We will try to keep learning down to a minimum next year, as we noticed Torah disturbs conversation. The rabbi’s class was great. Next year, we ask community members don’t take over the Shiur. We know you have thoughts on Tzedakah, and you don’t like to give it. Even so, the rabbi prepared sources charity. Note: Sources does not mean you have to give. It turns out kids in our shul don’t have parents. If for some reason you have a kid in shul running around and disturbing everybody, please claim the child. Little kids screaming Birkat Kohanim doesn’t add to the blessing. Cuteness doesn’t bring Bracha. And with that, we do wish a Mazel Tov to the Trumpelman family on the birth of their daughter. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Parent Like Our Congregants- Reasons for Bringing Kids to Shul to Bother Everybody. How Cheesecake Made Me Want to Be Jewish. The Importance of Talking During Torah Reading To Get People To Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why am I bringing up Sotah??? The way some of the people in this shul dress, I would not be surprised... I did not say women. I said “people.” The men in this shul don’t wear suits. What do you think they’re doing on Shabbis? Golfing??? Golfing with whom... (Bamidbar 5:15) The sacrifice brought by the husband of the accused Sotah is without oil or frankincense “because it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Jealousy and sin do not taste good. Especially without frankincense... Have you ever eaten at the Bergstein's? No frankincense. I don’t even think they use salt. A lot of jealousy leads to bad cooking... Why is it your second marriage? Your spouse could make a decent choolante. Exactly... Your jealous of Mrs. Finehart's choolante with all the accoutrements. The kishka, short ribs. She even puts in eggs. Sin does not taste good, Pinchas. We know you've tasted sin. We saw you at Shelly's Delicacies the other day. How much chocolate did you take down?... Sinner. "Jealousies... A remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Sin leads to jealousy. Or jealousy leads to sin... Or jealousy is a sin. Or people are jealous of people who sin. Or jealousy doesn't have frankincense in it. I don't know which one it is. I don’t think we need any more reminders of sin in this shul. With the way the renovations are going, there has been enough sin. Now everybody is jealous of Beis Knesses Beit Bitul. And that's a shack... The women's section talk is not jealousy. How can we not speak Lashon Hara about Freida and her new doily?... The whole thing about the stomach distending and thighs. Nothing to do with heavy people cheating on their spouses... I get acid reflux all the time and all I've ever done is went out bowling with my buddies... My buddies from Yeshiva. And all of that jealousy and sin leads to a bad reputation. No matter if she is innocent or not (Bamidbar 5:31) “that woman shall bear her iniquity.” She wears it on her sleeve. We all see it. She passes and everybody mocking her, "That's the innocent woman." Just like we see that doily. You can't take something out of a breadbasket and not get a reputation... Sforno teaches that she secluded herself with the suspected adulterer. You put yourself in a bad situation and you get a reputation, like the renovation committee who now has a reputation for doing nothing and being useless. You have the reputation of being a committee... I've put myself in this shul. My fault. I bear that iniquity of being around heretics... This is what caused the jealousy and the public humiliation of the woman. It is the stain. The reputation. And reputations stay. Our congregants have a reputation for dressing quite poorly... If you dressed LKavod Shabbis, nobody would accuse you of not keeping Shabbis. If you looked decent, nobody would accuse you of being single, Nachum. Actions that deem sin are a problem. They cause true sin and jealousy. No matter what, they leave a reputation. It's the Sotah’s actions of being alone with a man that is not her husband that has a snowball effect... Ever mad a snowman?! Make a snowman and you'll understand the metaphors. There is a lot of iniquity in this shul. Public humiliation. Jealousy and bad tasting food. You have a reputation for bad tasting food and talking a lot... To lose that reputation, get a new crockpot and add some decent meat. More fatty meat. You have to stop talking. Or you will never learn Torah... I don't care what the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee said. Learn something... I've been talking about the Sotah. Not soda. Though, fizz can distend your belly. Point is the rabbi is talking and he doesn't care if he's disturbing your conversation... Because it's a sermon, Bernie. You don't show up to a speech to talk. At sermons the rabbi talks... That rabbi is not the shul rabbi. He has a reputation for being a Mashgiach. He can't be trusted with people... Well. He bears the iniquity of his job. He should be respected, but that's the reputation the community gives him... Then you shouldn't have fired Rabbi Dan from teaching at the Cheder. Then again, he shouldn't have been around kids alone. Always a bad decision... Do you not want to hurt them too?!... This is why I got rid of the QandAs. You all like to talk. You don't ask questions. You just talk... It's the Tikkun. I think we have to fix the night of Shavuot in this shul. We have to fix this congregation and that doily on Freida's head. It's falling off now... Because it's a flat piece of paper. Talking is not learning. Talking about where Benjamin purchased his suit is not Torah conversation. If it was a Shabbat suit... Edward. You took over the class, and you have nothing to teach. No Torah... The only source about Tzedakah that you have is your shul bill and dues you haven’t paid... You just started talking. You couldn't find anybody to have a conversation with. So, you decided to "ask a question" and have a conversation with the whole Shiur... You have a reputation for drinking a lot. You drank so much, you wouldn't remember if there was Torah. I prepared. I had sources... You prepared your conversation about how you like whipped cream on your cheesecake... Add frankincense to that cheesecake and that is a Torah conversation. We have to be strong, to remember what jealousy does. We have to not be jealous. Because that is where the sin comes from... There is no reason to let anything cause jealousy... The guy should've divorced his wife if he has to accuse her... Again. Look at the men in this shul. Any chance??? Any woman sitting at a meeting with a man from this shul, you can't accuse anybody. So not good looking. And ugly suits... A reputation for not good-looking men. Mazel Tov to the Trumpelmans on the birth of a daughter... How did the birth come so fast... You must parent your newborn, or you will get a reputation of being an absentee parent. Otherwise known as parents in this shul... Well, you don't watch over them... Nobody cares if your child is cute. The cuteness is annoying. Parent. A kid makes noise. It's the parents’ fault... We will support you all in your parenting. Do not be afraid to parent. The Trumpelmans should know that we have their backs. You give your child a little smack, we will support you... We need to support our parents. Kids make noise and their take their kid, carry them out of shul, we must applaud. They smack them, we must cheer. Parents need our support... And give your kids candy. Healthy child rearing does not help with a child’s love for Yiddishkeit. Children only love Yiddishkeit when their religion involves sour sticks... We have a reputation for parents not helping out. And that has stained our shul. And it has brought about sin and jealousy of the kids in the other shuls who get as much candy as they want... We tried giving the kids soda, to see who their parents might be. Didn't work. Turns out, they now just have distended stomachs. And they're still running around the shul without parents... We are going to report the lone children to child services... Then parent!!!! If it's your thing, parent!!! Do you want anybody else's kids in this shul? Look around. You don't want that?! No reason to be jealous... Jealousy is a sin too. It makes no difference who is jealous. And it reminds us of sin. And then somebody gets a bad reputation. Don't eat at the Bergstein's... In the end, all you have is humiliation. The bearing of iniquity. Does anybody want that?... I am not jealous of the board. They are just a bunch of sinners... Nobody in this shul should be jealous. Look around. There is nothing to be jealous of... Bernie was happy when his wife left. He couldn't understand why Herman went for Ethel. He was shocked and bothered that Herman would be attracted to that. To quote Bernie, "Maybe if she used some frankincense." Judging the reputation is the iniquity. That is what the community bears. And it all stems from jealousy. Jealousy that Rabbi Dan was a good rabbi. The Sotah must bear her iniquity. I say bear it. Bear your iniquity. Be a reminder to the people that they are jealous, that they are judging. And that you brought jealousy. And stop doing dumb stuff... I want to commend our congregants for giving nobody something to be jealous of. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's sermons are always educational. I now know so much more about frankincense. And he did a great job of letting us know to not be jealous, because the shul is full of losers. The message of reputation was so true. Rabbi Dan is a Mashgiach now, because they won't let him around people anymore. Mashgiach work is where the place the rabbis they don't trust with people. The men in the shul do not dress with sports jackets anymore. Just pants and short-sleeve shirts. They are definitely sinning. And their wives are jealous, because they have to wear a hat to shul, and they're shvitzing. The shul renovations started, but they haven't moved at all. Now the shul has a reputation of getting nothing done. Truth is, I have never seen a committee get anything done. They did kick us out of the shul two months ago though. So, now we're praying in the Kiddish room, around the Rugulach. It's a Rugulach vigil on the Bima. Due to the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee's decision to keep Torah from disturbing conversation, the shul has decided that the Baal Koreh must keep the Torah reading at a minimum. We have since lost three Baal Korehs who read the Torah "too loud." They Torah readers have been deemed conversation interrupters. And there is no room for that in shul. People come to shul to talk. For good conversation. At the rabbi’s Shavuot class everybody took over and started giving their speeches. They thought the rabbi’s class was a QandA. They are supposed to ask questions at those. Our congregants skip the question part at the QandAs. They take the mic and give their speeches. Sadie once got on the microphone and said, "Now it's my time to talk." The guest speaker asked her why they were brought in for a speech on medical ethics. Sadie let them know, "So that I could share what I think about sanitizer." Sadie is very big into sanitizing her hands. She then went and got the sanitizing bottle and wiped down the mic stand. It was a twenty-minute ordeal. The rabbi was talking about taking money from heretics. The rabbi was talking about the members of our shul. He always speaks to his audience. The members thought he was talking about other people and started sharing their thoughts on charity from Apikorsim and felons. The Jewish Federation director was apparently fine taking all the money. The board felt it was important to note that sources and learning about charity does not mean you have to give it. They were worried they would lose members if anybody thought they had to give Tzedakah. To quote Rachel at the meeting, "Having to do Mitzvahs is what keeps people away from wanting to be Jewish. We have to change that." Nonetheless, all congregants agree that a few people should give money to the shul for renovations. Just not them. They all agree the shul needs money coming from somebody else. The rabbi got everybody on his side when he said that a three-year-old should not be on the streets alone. "There must be a parent who doesn't care about their child's well-being, or that hates Minyin and Gd." Parents finally started taking their kids out of shul and yelling at them. The congregation stood up for Yankel who potched his kid. The whole place stood up and said “Amen.” It was like Kaddish. Forcing new bottles of Coke on the kids and distending their stomachs did not bring out the truth about why they run around the shul. But it did bring out the truth about whose parents don't let their kids enjoy sweets. And those parents were kicked out of the shul for ruining Yiddishkeit. The candy started pouring in the shul. Though, it was learned to only give it at the end of the Davening, or the kids will misbehave again. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. Once you don't need more candy, you can bother people in shul. The Trumpelman's baby is ugly. Now everybody is asking questions about how Mrs. Trumpelman gave birth to the girl. Next time, during the Parsha about the Sota, the rabbi should keep out the Mazel Tovs. It begs too many questions. And in our community, that leads to iniquity. A lot of discussion about heavy people cheating on their spouses arose, due to the overweight people's distended stomachs. In the Sotah committee meeting, it came out that heavy people generally are more trustworthy. Sotah accusations were dismissed, yet the reputation stood. People said they were still heavy. Tags:
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The board would like to apologize for not mentioning Memorial Day last week. To Quote: “We take the blame for you missing out on sales. We still thank those who sacrificed of themselves for us, even if we missed out on the deal at Marshalls.” Yom Yerushalayim was this past week. We want to apologize for missing that too. Again. The shul decided, after a committee meeting, the office should have a Jewish calendar. Till now, the shul has been working off the Gregorian Calendar given out by Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. It turns out Tony does not celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. We are going to make sure we get the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar. Shavuot is this Sunday evening. You may want to learn something. The shul has all night learning. The rabbi won’t be there, so don’t worry about anybody answering your questions. Contemporary Halacha Class: Appreciation For Those Who Gave Their Lives For America and Retail. How to Get Nobody to Show Up to A Holiday or Event By Not Letting Them Know About it Till Afterwards. How To Learn Torah - Something Our Congregants Don't Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 3:5-9) H’ tells Moshe to bring the Levites “and stand the tribe before Aharon the Kohen and they shall serve him.” The Levites serve Aharon. There is blessing in serving. If the reason is for Gd, it's a blessing. Serving on the board and the renovation committee... Where in the Torah does it say "The Levites should do renovations in Topeka?"... It's not a trivia question, Bethany. There is no commandment. The point is serving this congregation is not likes serving the Kohens... The Kohens are serving Gd. The board is serving Bernie's needs for heat in June. The guy always feels a draft. “...They are given to him from the children of Israel.” The Levis are in service of Aharon and the Kohens. It sounds so demeaning. And that is true, when the job is not done for Gd. Like the office who seems to think the Kohens worked according to the Gregorian Calendar... We are not Gregorian, Samantha. We are Jewish. When it’s a commandment, when it’s a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod. An honor... The way your hedges look, Nachum, it's not a Mitzvah. It's a sin. It’s demeaning to the trees. Do a decent job and don’t worship idols and it won’t be demeaning. You’re embarrassing the shrubs... Because you don’t take pride in your work, Nachum... Serving this shul board is not a Mitzvah... Serving the congregation is questionable. There’s no commandment to show up to Sheindel’s daughter’s fourth birthday part... Great girl Sheindel. I just don’t know why you had to bring a rabbi. You could’ve hired a clown... It’s an honor for the Levites to serve. To carry the Tabernacle. It's not an honor to join a four-year-old birthday party and to have to do renovations on a bookcase... Why you even call it renovations. It's sticking shelves on pegs. The IKEA catalogue shows you how to do it. I do not believe the IKEA instructions insist on a committee... Because it would never get built that way. And then IKEA would get more complaints about their poor directions.... You think the instructions on the Tabernacle were easy??? If you think IKEA is hard... It’s an honor to serve. Appreciate Aharon. Don’t be a Korach. A bunch of Korachs here... (Bamdibar 3:11) “I have taken the Levite from among the children of Israel, in place of every firstborn...” The firstborns that are Gds, don’t get the right to serve Aharon... You lose that honor when you worship golden calves. When you mess up all night learning, like the board. When you mess up a bookcase... The board is a like a golden calf... Having meetings. And the head of the board is a Bachur. A firstborn. And you wonder why it’s messed up. Get a Levite to serve as the head of the board, and they’ll help out... Because Levites are helpers and firstborns are bullies... Do your job and be happy you’re working for somebody. It’s an honor. When the job is well done, unlike the board and Nachum’s yard, you take pride in it. It’s Min HaShamayim. From Gd. Appreciate the Levites. And Levites, appreciate the Kohens. And get rid of the board. And everybody appreciate Gd... We must appreciate Gd. When doing Mitzvot for Gd, there is reward. Not destruction, like in the shul's office. If our secretary did his job right, it would be a Mitzvah. We would hear about the holidays on time... It's not our job to get a calendar. It's the office's job. Everything late. You don’t serve on time. The Levites didn't erect the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, a day late, because they were using the Gregorian Calendar. Does our office even use a calendar?... Definitely not a calendar with Jewish holidays. It's like a golden calf calendar... The only thing you don't forget is the sales. You could think about those who gave their lives for our country on Memorial Day. Those who served our country... Our country serves Gd. It's a "nation under Gd." And we missed Yom Yerushalayim. We missed Yom Yerushalayim last week, because nobody takes pride in their job. The Levites took pride in their work. This is why I am taking the 6th graders to serve this congregation instead of the board... The board is like a bunch of firstborns. We still did Hallel... Because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s not in our shul announcements it’s a holiday... The announcements left out the Morwitz wedding. They still got married... That was a different reason. If they had money, the calendar would’ve mentioned it... You’re not wealthy enough for the shul to mention your Simchas. If Marshalls would’ve given a discount to Chani on shoes, she would’ve made sure to have it in the announcements... Shavuot is this week. Is that in the announcements? Just remember. It's this Sunday night. Tomorrow night... A calendar in the office would help with announcing stuff that is on the calendar!!! We all have ways of serving. We may work for others in service of H'. One way to serve is to learn Torah. Maybe learn a little Torah. Just an idea... It’s Shavuot. You messed up Pesach. You didn't even know what Chametz you should burn. And then you end up burning your home... It looked like idol worship. It looked like a sacrifice... When you don't learn how to do stuff for H' it looks like a golden calf... You messed up Sukkot. Most messed up Sukkah building. I have no idea whose cubit you were using. It must have been Yankel's cubit. Shortest cubit I have ever seen. Build with a Shlomo cubit next time... So, there's enough room to sit in the Sukkah and serve H'... In the times of the holidays, we all serve. We all have to serve Gd. Even the members of this congregation... H' would rather Levites. But we have not found a way to replace the shul membership. The Baha'i community would have to convert to Judaism first. We are just asking to serve H' right. With food... Then don’t mess up the blintzes this year... You can show up to the all-night learning... Learn for part of it... Learn to be a good Jew. Just learn something. There will be cheesecake at all night learning... They should’ve announced cheesecake. If they announced pastries, people would come and maybe learn by accident. Announcing all night learning is a way of trying to get people not to come. I am announcing now that there will be cake and lasagna. Come to all night learning to eat... Better announcements is what this shul needs. A calendar. A Jewish calendar. More food on it. Maybe get the Hadassah Cookbook Calendar... Maybe announce events on time... I shall not be at learning. I will teach my class and leave... Why should I show up to learning? None of you come... You’re like Bachurs. You expect to be Gd’s favorites because you do nothing... You actually are firstborns. Now I understand. You get the bigger Yerusha... That's why you put no work into it. You're getting the big inheritance. If you can see what you do as a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod to serve under somebody else. You want to do the work. It's not about money... As a rabbi, I deserve money. When you're as close to H' as I am, you get paid... Your job can be a Mitzvah, if it’s not what Bracha Mindel does... Working for the Town Council and bringing up people’s home taxes is not a Mitzvah. Serve the congregation correctly, otherwise we’ll have to get the 6th graders or the Levites to serve on the Town Council... You would never be a Levite. You have no idea how to wash hands right. I've seen you head out of the bathroom... It's not the soap. It's that you don't get the whole hand. You have to get the whole hand. Up to the wrist. It all starts with a calendar. Action begins with a calendar. You wash hands at the right time... Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop does not provide the times that we need to get things done right as Jews... Including the renovation of a bookcase. Do you appreciate your rabbi. The job. The job that he gives Kavod to. The job he is doing for H’. The job where he sits at home and learns... That’s why I am late to meetings. Exactly. I am learning Brian!!! Rivka's Rundown The Levite members didn’t want to serve the congregation. They said it’s hard enough having to wash the Kohens’ hands. The rabbi is very adamant about how a Kohen's hands must be cleaned. You have to get it up to the wrist. The rabbi suggested to the congregants that since he is serving H', he should be bathed. Once the president heard that was his job, he quit. The firstborns also passed. Even the Levites refused. After much Halachik discourse, the rabbi gave a Responsa (Tshuva) saying that he can bathe himself when circumstances do not allow for others to do so. And thus, he may come to shul clean. "Though, the shul should give him a raise for his service," to quote the end of the Responsa. The rabbi does not have learning in his contract. He went off on this idea that he has a contract with H’. His job according to H’ is to pass over Torah and to learn it. The board said his job is to ensure that the awning in the back of the shul gets put up correctly. That argument went on for a while. It turns out the rabbi is not a Levite. So, he does not feel he has to take care of the shul’s building. The rabbi did also not enjoy the birthday party of Sheindel’s daughter. Nobody knows her name. They should’ve had a baby naming. The rabbi said he had more fun at the Bris the other day, due to the assortment of sesame bagels. To quote: “Get an ice cream cake next time. Carvel is right down the block. Apikorsim.” And I agree. Only a heretic would serve carrot cake at a four-year-old’s birthday party. How they mess up every announcement. Dates are always missed. Always late. Does the one making the shul’s calendar not have a calendar??? The rabbi answered that. I love Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. Great deals on bikes. Especially on Memorial Day. Yet, Tony's Easter Holiday Month Focus of April did not help our shul's holiday planning. Now, the shul is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a Jewish calendar. Free at the funeral home, the shul figures it can raise a good six-thousand-dollars off it. The idea is to put a name on the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar Cover. The board discussed it and they said that for sake of good omen, it should be the name of a family member who passed. Not many people showed up to the Morwitz wedding. It wasn't in the announcements. The shul did insist on donations from the Morwitz family. It was a controversial situation. It turns out they didn't give enough. They needed to add on fifty dollars to the two-thousand they had donated. After the whole ordeal, being that people donated money to the shul in honor of the wedding, the fifty-dollars was met. They made the announcement about the wedding three months after it happened. For Simchas to be mentioned, you have to have money. The soldiers from Memorial Day did not sponsor a Kiddish, so they were forgotten. To give credit to the shul office, they would've been in the bulletin if they donated money. The rabbi gave a beautiful class and commemoration for those who gave their lives for America and retail. The rabbi suggested we commemorate the Jews that sacrificed themselves for our country by shopping at the clearance rack. It was meant to give credit to those who sacrificed for our country so we wouldn't have to overpay, which the rabbi called "freedom." He served tea to bring home the point, saying, "Iced tea is what America is founded for." The board thought more people would show up to all night learning if they heard the rabbi wouldn't be there. The congregants are sick of the rabbi using Halacha to answer their questions about being Jewish. They like the idea of a more holistic approach to Halacha, where you derive the laws from your feelings and Rakhi massage. Last year, people heard there was going to be learning. Nobody showed. Worst idea for drawing people. Got to have a different draw. All night cheesecake All night talking and hanging out. No rabbi. That's what draws people to shul. The people in our shul never learn anything. Shavuot has been an annual day of mourning. Having to learn Torah is so painful for them. Hence, being that there was a buffet at this year's all-night learning, people celebrated Shavuot, by coming together, eating, smiling and not learning. I get the feeling that the people in our shul would've taken to the golden calf thing if a smorgasbord was part of it. The rabbi is mad at Bracha Mindel. Even though she is a congregant, she didn’t give the rabbi off on grievance day. She was kicked out of the shul because she didn't lower the rabbi's home taxes. The rabbi claimed his home is only worth a hundred-fifty-thousand-dollars, though he paid six-hundred-thousand for it. The rabbi ended up giving a class about the difference in value when it comes to taxes. He then explained that the home would be worth two-million if the shul was selling it, as that would include the donation. The rabbi later tried selling his house to a congregant, and called it a fundraiser. Tags:
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We ask people who lead in Kedusha work on their tunes before going up and leading the congregation in song, so the words fit a little. One note shouldn’t have to carry half a paragraph of words, due to unplanned melody. The "Ze El Ze vAmar" should not have to be forced into a quarter second, just to fit the new "Bnei Bunim" song. We also ask you don’t do new songs. Nobody wants to learn a song to sing along with that is not “Etz Chayim Hi.” We have a new fundraiser coming up this season. The shul needs to raise more funds. If anybody knows of any dead people, please let us know, so we can put up dedication plaques. Families of dead people like plaques. The rabbi gave a look of anger to a member last Shabbat. We wish a Mazel Tov to our rabbi who is finally settling into his position. After much discussion, the board has decided the next fundraiser will not be plated. To quote Shaindel, “People shouldn’t be forced to eat the shnitzel with that sauce on it. And I don’t like peas.” Halacha Class: How to Fit Fifteen Words into One Note, With Our Chazin Who Picks Wrong Melodies. What Dead People Give to Our Shul- Thoughts on a Future of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uTefillah Built on Death. Talking in Shul and How to Get Looks from Our Rabbi. A Chazin's Story of How He Ruined "Etz Chayim Hi" with Congregants Who Try to Sing Along. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 25:14-18) Don’t aggravate people in business. You rip everybody off... It's a pyramid scheme. It is called a scheme. Pyramid "Scheme." You scam people. You're aggravators... You aggravate me in shul. I am sure your boss hates you... (Vayikra 25:35-38) Give people a chance to be successful. “Strengthen” them. Don’t take interest or increase. This shul has not allowed me to be successful. You've allowed me to deal with congregants. You've allowed me pain. You’ve increased the questions you ask... Because “I H’ your Gd. I took you out of Mitzrayim...” Don’t enslave people. That is the evil. Turning people into slaves. Scamming them. H’ is the Gd. H' doesn't run pyramid schemes. H' doesn't charge 2k to be able to sell Topeka as a tourist destination... What slaves do you know that are successful?... I don't know how much Harriet Tubman made... The board scammed me. Aggravates me every day. You’ve enslaved me with congregants... You told me Topeka is a beautiful place... Well. You left out the membership of the shul. It was a rabbi hire scheme... And I think the jubilee year is coming up next year. Freedom!!! (Vayikra 25:39-40) If your brother is sold to you, “don’t work him like the work of a slave. Like a laborer, like a resident, he shall be with you till the Yovel...” Don’t work him like a rabbi. Don’t make him go to meetings. Don’t make him have to deal with this president of the shul who has really dumb ideas... I am not suggesting that relationships should end with Yovel. I am saying that relationships with this congregation should end with Yovel... Because working here is slavery. Strengthen. That is our job in this Olam. To strengthen people. The congregants should be working out more. Very weak and out of shape. Bring people up. You enslave people. You think about you and your power. I bring people up. I support untalented people. I make them feel good. The Chazin did a great job Davening... Kedusha words should not fit. In Naaritzcha, the “Ze El Ze vAmar” should all be in one note. Said quick in one note, to finish the stanza... That's what H' would say. H' wouldn't complain, because He is not enslaving you... You guys don’t even know the old songs. Why are you doing new songs?... "Esa Enai" by Shalsheles is a new song... Around thirty years old, but new to our congregants. They like singing "Etz Chayim Hi." Just do everything to "Etz Chayim Hi" and "vShamru Bnei Yisrael"... Anything less than a hundred years old is new to our congregants... It's about bringing people up. Let them feel good. Let them work with the tunes they know. Two tunes is enough... We strengthen our shul through heritage. Through giving money... This isn't a scheme. This is a shul... We need more money. We need more death. Money is not made from the Simchas... Dedication plaques are key. Dedication stitching are is allowed... We need to strengthen our shul. We must focus on death as a shul. The average death sponsorship is $180. The average Simcha sponsorship is $18... Family death is also a very good focus... We have to stop focusing on youth. There is no money on youth. Youth who lost a parent... It is about not being a slave. We are only slaves to Gd. Your rabbi. Myself. I don’t have to worry anymore. I got a raise. I can say it. I cannot stand you people... Yes. I gave Mark a look. You people are annoying. I can finally say that. I have my new contract. I cannot stand the congregants in this shul. Your questions are annoying... I feel stronger. Emboldened. Empowered. Finally, this congregation did a Mitzvah... Strength means giving people choices. Buffet... Nobody wants plated dinners. I like buffet. Plated is good if you like green beans and peas... I don’t want to have to beg for another piece of meat. I like going up when I want another piece. Why we ever had plated... Well. Class is not appreciated. Class is slavery. Ever heard of the class system?... Exactly. They had plated food. And then so much wasted food. With buffet, I can eat Shaindel’s portion... Shaindel never eats. Meal is finished and she still is plated... Nobody should be enslaved to a plate... The fact that everybody here is lazy is a problem. (Vayikra 25:43) “You shall not subjugate him with hard labor,” is talking about slavery. It’s not saying that you people should not help. It’s not saying that you should get plated dinners because it’s hard work to go up to the buffet. Strength means not slaves. Choices. Buffet. (Vayikra 26:3-9) Just follow in Gd’s decrees and He will establish His covenant with us. Be strong and be slaves to Gd. Do not listen to the board. They don't even know how to sing "Etz Chayim Hi" right. The board scams people. It's a shul scheme. Don't hold people as slaves to a painful community. That is how you have goodness in Israel... Gd's decrees allow for enjoyment of life. Simcha. Buffets with as many portions as you want. Getting stronger with a decent workout regimen... Gd's decrees do not have anybody thinking Topeka is a destination... Rivka's Rundown And the people of our shul started working out, so they wouldn't be slaves. I believe that's the message the rabbi was trying to get across. I think it was, "Workout so that you can be free people and sing 'Etz Chayim Hi.'" "Nobody should be enslaved to a plate." Such beautiful words from our Rav. He considers being a rabbi slavery, because the congregants have really dumb requests. On congregants requested the rabbi move Shavuot to the middle of June. She thought that since there was a Pesach Sheni, maybe we could do a second Shavuot as well. The idea came because the weather hasn't been that good, and she still feels she can get more time out of her lilacs. The rabbi was lying about the next Yovel. The next jubilee year is in 2028-29. He just wanted to get paid and get out of this job. The rabbi yelled "Freedom." Middle of his sermon. He was inspired by Braveheart. The rabbi feeling empowered is not a good thing. He is making every request he can. He now wants to add another Mechitzah, so that he doesn't have to see any of the congregants. To quote, "I will not feel free free until I don't have to see members of this shul. As long as I am slave to this job, and getting paid, you are all sinning. This is why I shouldn't have to see anybody. I am holy and following Gd's decrees." Toni got half the shul to sign up for this pyramid scheme, selling Topeka as a vacation destination because it has a park. People bought into this idea of Topeka being a great place to vacation at because it has a playground. The members had to pay 2k to have the right to sell Topeka as a destination with a jungle gym. Now, half the congregation vacations in Topeka. The people have lost all their vacation savings and they’re now vacationing in their homes. Most of the people thought that it was a shul fundraiser, as the cost of selling the pyramid scheme was so outrageous. They forgot to announce Yom Yerushalayim and Memorial Day. The announcements never have stuff on time. So, nobody cared about the Holy City reunifying. Many of the congregants were mad they did not know when Marshall's was a having a sale for fallen soldiers. My section of the shul protested the congregation, yelling, "Because of you, we are slaves to retail." And it is on the backdrop of missing out on the Memorial Day Sale that nobody in our shul feels strengthened right now. The rabbi truly does bring people up. He's an uplifter. I've seen Bar Mitzvah boys do the worst job, and the rabbi is always there to let the young lad know that it's not his fault he's so bad at being a Jew. He makes sure to tell the Bar Mitzvah boy, "It's your parents' fault." They're always off. The tunes in our shul don’t fit the words. That seems to be tradition. You can’t teach an old congregant a new song. The Chazin does an excellent new song and it’s shunned. People are booing the guy. No matter how good the song is, they want to sing "Etz Chayim Hi." They're stuck on it. They truly get into "Etz Chayim Hi." They belt it out like pros. They can't even take out the Torah right. They sing "Etz Chayim Hi" when taking out the Torah. That's our song. We know it. We sing it. Nothing else has made into our shul lexicon of singing to Gd. Our shul truly capitalizes on death. They send Kaddish letters. The last one I got said, "We wish you well on the loss of your mother. Here is where you give the money." They even have death sponsorships. You can sponsor Shalishudis, Kiddish or death. Most congregants didn't want to sponsor death. They said it was self-incriminating. They’re still sponsoring sermons though. Such a scam. The rabbi gets a salary and the one thing he does is sermons. I think some of that money is going to Toni's pyramid scheme. The rabbi bringing up the idea of youth losing a parent was not well appreciated. The rabbi later said he was talking about divorce. That got the support of the congregants. It turns out the people in our shul don't like their spouses. The rabbi settled in finally. He gave an angry look at Mark for talking. I've learned that when a rabbi starts to express his hate for the congregants, he is comfortable with his position. The last rabbi used to curse at the members. Instead of wishing them a Good Shabbis, he would wish them Gehenim. I don’t know anybody that likes plated. You feel good for a minute, and then you realize there is other food you wanted. Not peas. Buffets are better for the health of our shul. The movement keeps you more fit. The only time I've seen another member of our shul walk is to the buffet. When it's plated, they just sit there. Buffets are also good for my steps on the way to the tacos. I need steps. Our membership needs more steps. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Emor5/18/2025
Announcements
We raised five-hundred-dollars at the Dinner of Fun Fundraiser. We want to thank our event organizers for making it a success. The countless hours they put into the shul raising five-hundred-dollars. The weeks. The months. Call your mothers if you missed Mother’s Day last week because it was not in the announcements. We do suggest you purchase the shul calendar for only nine-hundred-eighty-dollars. It's being sold by the shul, so it's a donation. You could buy one at the store for a couple bucks. But that won't have the shul's logo on it. We want to thank those who donated wood to the youth for their Lag BOmer fire. It saved the Bima this year. Ralph’s funeral was hard on everybody, except his kids who will be receiving a fine inheritance. The Topeka Town Board wants us to drive faster at Jewish funerals. We know it’s wrong to beep at a funeral. The town folk thought we were celebrating a wedding with a hearse. We ask people drive faster to curb antisemitism. At the next funeral, the hearse will be going ten miles over the speed limit, to ensure dead people do not slow the flow of traffic. Contemporary Halacha Class: What You Can Buy for Our Shul with Five-Hundred-Dollars- A New Paper Towel Dispenser and How the Fundraiser Helped Purchase That. How To Miss a Holiday By Asking Our Office Staff. How To Make Your Mother Feel Loved When You Forget Her. Lag BOmer Fires and Why They Are Better Outside of Our Shul. How to Slow Down Our City with a Funeral or Sadie Driving Anywhere. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Kohen cannot go to funerals because he brings bread to Gd. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get your pants dirty from the shoveling onto the grave... (Vayikra 21:8) “You shall sanctify him, because he offers the food of Gd. Holy he shall be to you...” Your work makes you holy. Which is why the president of our shul is not going to get heaven... You become your work. This is why the Kohen is holy and the president of the shul is corrupt. This is why Sharon wears the ugliest hats... It’s your hat store Sharon. Very frumpy. It should be called Sharon's Frumpy Fedoras... This is why the Gabai forgets everybody’s name... I have no idea how it happens but the Gabais of our shul forget names. It seems like you can’t remember one name of a congregant. You point, say “you,” and then you call them... Most Gabais save time by knowing people’s names... This is why I can’t stand people anymore... Because I'm a rabbi and I deal with congregants... I don't show up to funerals because the congregants don't pay me enough. And traffic is too slow... You guys should not work. Your work causes you to be worse people. (Vayikra 23) We learn of the holidays and Shabbat. “All of the work you shall not do.” It constantly says to not do any work. Because whenever you people work on something you ruin it. The membership of our shul would ruin any holiday... You ruined my Pesach. I can tell you that. What makes Shabbat holy is you not working... Because whenever you get your hands on something, you ruin it. There's a reason you're not Kohens... Not everybody can serve as a Kohen. Even some Kohens can't serve as Kohens. Big eyebrows, no nose bridge people, those with a little limp. If you looked like Menachem and you were a Kohen, you would not be able to serve... You look kind of funny Menachem. I know your wife loves you. As she should... I would've told the Kohen Committee to not use members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... If you did nothing, you would be much better people. Kohens are holy because of their work. Our membership is holy when they stay away. And we need a Minyin this week. So please show up... Your work is not holy... Mike. Your work at the golf course, carrying bags for rich people... Your work ruined the shul’s fundraiser. If we would've done nothing, we would've had a better fundraiser... How is $500 a success?! You spent months preparing the thing. You could've just cut a check... I want to thank the Fundraiser of Fun committee. Thank you for helping the shul lose members with an annoying dinner that nobody could afford... Something you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day. But you don't do that... Don't blame the shul. If you waited to hear from the shul office, you would've started Shabbat on Monday... Because the office does everything late. They get it right. The office is amazing after the fact... A Mother's Day Calendar. Was that a thousand dollars??? There is a point where it's not a fundraiser anymore. It's just not having an understanding of what stuff is worth... Five dollars. That's a calendar at CVS. From the shul. 1k... I don't care if the calendar has a picture. Five dollars is a lot... Yes. CVS is expensive. I used the most expensive place to buy a calendar. The second most expensive place. The most expensive place to buy a calendar is our shul. You could’ve announced Mother’s Day right. On time. Even your work on announcements ruins things... Mother's Day is a holy day, if you remember it. Only thing you should do is call your mother on Mother's Day... Because it's Mother's Day, Nachum. It's not Tuesday. It's not Father's Day. It's not Shabbis... You don't call on Shabbis. Just don't do anything. Even honoring your mother on the one day that is hers, you get wrong... So. The Mother’s Day announcement is a week late again. What’s important is that the announcement was made... You should always care about your mother. It’s not a day. Only thing you should do is call your mother. Other than that, you ruin holiness. Can we get somebody to control the youth? If nobody did anything, it would be better than your work... Make the youth holy and don’t parent. Somebody has to get our youth group under control. When a youth group is run by youth... Exactly. Something is wrong. I’m not suggesting the parents of our shul run it. That would be more messed up. I know the parents of the shul. The parents would’ve burned the whole shul for Lag BOmer. Called it an accident for insurance monies... The video was fine for you, Bernie. You didn't need an actual bonfire. Last year, half the shul burnt down. The shul is now half the size... Because we lost members with the fundraiser. That is true... You don't need a fire pit in the social hall. Since when is this fire thing so important to you? Since when are you a devout Chasid?... We ask our congregants to drive faster in the funeral processions. It turns out we were driving too slow... We got beeped last time. The guy thought it was a wedding. The bride and groom were not in the hearse... It wasn’t a wedding, Bernie. The people were happy because nobody liked Ralph. The hearse does look like a nice limousine. And it should. Dead people deserve better... They were beeping because they were anti-Semites. Anti-Semites mad a guy died and they didn't have anything to do with it... I know it looks wrong to beep. It’s also wrong to follow the procession to get home faster. Jack and Thelma. You had half the congregation following the procession to your house... We can't even get a funeral right... We still have to bury the person. There are certain things we have to do... This is why you don't drive on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Our membership would think the shul moved to 1800 Windthrop Avenue, by Jack and Thelma... You act properly at a funeral. You were on a phone... What is so important? What is more important than Ralph’s death... I am not saying it is something we wanted. We didn’t want Ralph to pass... It’s just that it’s like a party to you. Felvel thinks it’s a reunion. Running into friends. It’s like a Bat Mitzvah for Ethel. Seeing everybody... You don’t throw candies into a grave.... There wasn't a Kohen at the funeral. This is why the one thing you can do is go to funerals. That and call your mom. All the congregants should be doing is going to funerals and calling their moms... Also. Donating money to the shul. Why do you all want Kohens at funeral so badly???! All would be holy. Our days would be holy if the board and the shul membership did less. Guard Shabbat and the holidays. Do nothing... Rest from work so nothing messed up happens... I can’t even speak to you guys. You're like a man with no nose bridge. And even the no nose bridge guy should call his mom... From now on, call your mothers and do nothing else. That is the only way for this congregation to be holy... Don't call on Shabbis. I give up. Just do anything. But pay your dues. I would say to give donations, but you get those wrong too. You would've probably donated hewn stone to the Temple. Rivka's Rundown Our membership does mess up everything. The rabbi is correct, aspirations and people doing stuff has ruined our shul. Our membership participating makes it less holy. The rabbi had to back off the membership not doing stuff for there to be holiness when he realized the shul needs a Minyin. He said, "You should do nothing. But do come to Minyin. We need you for that. But when you come to Minyin. Do nothing. Doing nothing at Minyin is holy." The rabbi had to add that congregants should be donating money to the shul. The president was staring at the rabbi, waiting for him to say it. They just gave the rabbi a raise. The no nose bridge is just hurtful. The most derogatory thing you can say. Almost as hurtful as telling somebody they have long eyebrows. I think the Gabai's inability to remember names of congregants would preclude him from being a Kohen. It also causes us to add an extra ten minutes to Davening. Every single time, we have to wait for Bernie and Max to walk up before he gets their names. That's a good five minutes each. Bernie and Max both have nose bridges. So, maybe they could be Kohens with their really long eyebrows. I am not sure though. It might be that the Torah is saying "really old people, with their long eyebrows, shouldn't serve as Kohens anymore." The dinner for $330 a couple raised $500 in total. Something went wrong, and nobody could figure it out. The committee said they should've charged more. They said that if they would've charged even more than people can afford, people would've thought it was classy, even though they served shnitzel and called it a Fundraiser of Fun. You can't charge $330 for fun. Anything over three-hundred-dollars, fun is gone. They suggested not to draw more people but to draw more money out of people. With an attendance of thirty, it was not going to raise money. Even the honorees’ families didn’t show. The families wrote a statement, “We don’t pay $330 for fun, unless if we’re losing the money at a casino. And that isn’t fun either.” It turns out there is a number people are not willing to spend on honorees. I did not know this before our shul brought up the sale price to $330. Shloimi and Bracha took the turnout personally. I wrote a personal message to Shloimi and Bracha to let them know I cared. I told them, "I care about you for anything less than $180. Anything more than $180, I don't care about you anymore. For $330, I am fine with you eating alone." I hope my message of my love for them got across. And for some reason, nobody bought the shul calendar. Nine-hundred-eighty-dollars for a calendar seems to be out of the price range of most. Everything is expensive in shul. Out of shul, a bookcase is eighty dollars. In shul, you can donate a bookcase for 10k. By the way, the shul calendar had pictures of people learning Torah. They tried getting the leftovers into CVS. But CVS said they didn't think the 1k calendar with religious Jews could compete with the five-dollar firefighter calendar. Our board had a committee meeting to try to figure out how firemen make money off a five-dollar calendar. That’s our shul. Making announcements a week late. Mothers should know we care about them after the fact. The rabbi had to bring up the "caring about mother is not a day" argument to cover for the board again. It turns out the board doesn't care about their mothers, or their rabbi. Last year, the youth Lag BOmer fire consisted of the rabbi’s desk and Shtender. It also included some kitchen appliances which didn’t burn. Which shocked our high schoolers who thought the microwave should burn, as stuff in the kitchen cooks with fire. They didn't know about electromagnetic waves. The rabbi was worried about the youth having no supervision. But then he looked at the congregation and was even more worried. To quote the rabbi, "If the parents of this congregation are the ones watching over our youth, we can kiss this chapel goodbye." The Topeka Town Council is messed up. They had the traffic police issue a ticket to the dead person for slowing down traffic at his funeral. Our congregation acts wrong at funerals. One guy was on the phone chatting. Our congregants love funerals. I never see them smiling at Bat Mitzvahs. Funerals. Everybody is chipper. The candy throwing into the grave was crazy. And then the dirt throwing. No dirt control. They’re throwing it so far. Hit the mother-in-law with a huge shovel’s worth. You truly have to aim the dirt right. It's supposed to go into the ground to cover the grave. Malkie didn't hit it once. Malkie was trying to shot put the dirt. We need to learn shovel control at our shul. And it was a huge hole too. How Malkie missed. And then some of the younger guys who couldn’t hit the gym are using the shoveling as a chance to work out. They wouldn’t give anybody else a chance. One guy even said he was getting a “good pump.” Messed up. Truth is that most of the community left before Ralph's grave was totally covered. They left the grave open. The grave committee said it was too much to care for the deceased at that point. “It is too late to care about Ralph. I have to get home and watch that series... It’s great. The one about the lawyer who got convicted. Ralph can take care of the rest." Our congregants only make decisions through committee. The fact they formed a committee at the graveyard to not help bury Ralph was messed up. The only things they're supposed to- funerals, Minyin and calling mothers- they form committees to get out of. The next morning a committee decided the shul should not have a Minyin. Ten men showed. They called it a committee and they all left before Barchu. Tags:
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Announcements
This Week's Parsha is Achrei-Kedoshim. Shul dinner is this week. We were able to cut cost. The price per couple is only $330. Be sure to purchase your seats at the $330 discount. And there is a single person discount rate of only $280. We are hoping the shul Dinner of Fun Fundraiser draws a younger crowd. If it is members of our shul, that is great. We would rather have people who can afford the dinner. Due to the antisemitism, the Jews will not be burning anything this Lag BOmer. It just sounds wrong to burn anything a Jew owns other than the art projects your kids bring home from Beis Sefer Yiladim vChatifim. We want to apologize for not letting Nachum into the event. He’s been a community member for thirty years. Security said he didn’t sign up, so he’s not safe. People who don’t sign up are felons. That's how the Jewish community views people who can't make plans. The shul would officially like to blame Donald Trump for everything. Halacha Class: The Board and How to Lose Members by Charging More for a Dinner Than Membership. How to Look Like an Anti-Semite on Lag BOmer by Burning Things Outside our Shul. How to Keep People from Showing Up to Your Shul with Our event Organizers. How Our Board is Blaming Donald Trump for the Curtain in the Hallway. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Achrei Mot-Kedoshim. But you if add in the Mot, now we can’t fit it on the announcements page... It's two Parshas... That’s how we name Parshas. Based on how much we can fit in the announcements. There were too many words already, so we shortened the Parsha. We left out death. Is that not a good thing?!... Parsha is same length. We shortened the name. Well. Now it’s "after they became holy." That’s the Parsha... I don’t know why Lag BOmer is such a major holiday... The Lag BOmer fires cannot be used for sacrifices. Only in the Temple... Burning doors and mattresses for sacrificial purposes might be fine in the Beit Hamikdash itself. I am not sure... Don’t reveal nakedness of aunts, uncles, siblings, parents... It’s family. Do I have to explain? You’re sick people... Family is allowed to be attractive. Just not to you... Cousins can marry. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the Simchovitz clan here in Topeka... (Vayikra 18:24-30) “Do not become contaminated through any of these, for through all of these the nations that I expel before you were contaminated.” Maybe the Canaanites weren’t aware of the Hittities. Some very attractive Hittites. A lot of nations liked the Hittities. To quote the Perizzite, "She was a hot Hittitie..." They had a reputation... There was also a lot of nepotism on the job front. Who do you think cut wood? It was the Canaanite woodcutters. It’s the contamination that caused them to be thrown out of Israel. The contamination of forbidden relationships. Kind of like having forbidden people running the shul, such as board members... It's these abominable acts that contaminate. It's a matter of disrespecting the holiness of familial relationship, without Hittities... And now I hear of this idea in our society of cheating. What is the whole new cheating on your spouse... Gd doesn’t forgive you. The land doesn’t forgive you. Topeka doesn’t forgive you. The reason why Topeka has a such an ugly downtown is the debauchery. This is why the buildings have rotted wood. Depravity... Depravity kills downtowns and building facades. And it causes potholes... Land upchucks people it doesn't like. Such as Bernie and the president of the shul... I don't know if we can blame Trump for Topeka's potholes... “The land became contaminated.... and it disgorged its inhabitants." The land is disgusted by you... And I am too... Simcha. For you it’s the fact you don’t mow your lawn... Your lawn looks like the earth literally puked... These abominable acts is what causes the earth to throw us up. To upchuck us. To have to see weeds on Simcha's lawn. Dandelions from a month ago... You mow them... People still haven’t purchased their seats for the dinner. Families purchase seats. It's what makes family holiness... Holiness starts in the house. Then it goes to seats at shul... Well. Yes. It’s $330. You’re not just getting seats. You're getting shnitzel... Single person is $280... Then get married... $330 a discounted rate. But everybody gets it... Why can't everybody get a discount?... So, call it a sale. It's a flash sale for everybody... Even people that purchase the seats the last day... I can’t explain why it costs more than a wedding. And with no band. Maybe it's the clown. The Dinner of Fun will have shnitzel and a clown... No. I can't say Dinner of Fun Fundraiser ten times fast... Young people can still pay... Well. If they can't afford it, they can't come... Now I'm with you. Then why is it for young people if they can't afford the dinner? It's the board's decision... I'm feeling like I'm going to puke shnitzel right now... Abominable. You get kicked out of the land when shnitzel is that expensive. Families can't afford it... Nobody cares about single people... What do you want to burn Mark? Always burning... Lag BOmer is a good reason to burn something... You don't burn donations. The shul wants to burn old donations, so they can get new ones. Cutting wood would be a proper thing to do for Lag BOmer. Just not in shul... We need the beams. You cut wood off a tree and burn that. You don't burn the shul's beams. You don't burn stuff people donated... You guys just find stuff and burn it. Put some effort into Lag BOmer. Gather shrubs. Instead, you destroy homes and the land... Make a fire pit. Effort. So, the land doesn't upchuck you... You make a beautiful Lag BOmer fire. It's holy. You bring community together in holiness. You sanctify it... This Lag Bomer with no shrubs. Abominable. Of course they didn’t let you into the community Program for Israel Love, Nachum. They know you... Then you should've signed up. They let in people who sign up. Signing up is what makes people safe. Not safe people don't make plans... These mass murderers don't plan it... I can't explain the manifesto they write part. If you go to a community event, sign up. But don't send the organizers a manifesto. They may not let you in if a manifesto is attached to your registration... No. You can’t blame Donald Trump for your stupidity. You messed up the shul's dinner. People aren't coming because of your idea of Funtime Dinnertime. And they're not joining the Lag BOmer fire, because you haven't collected wood... Be holy. Why Bernie? Because H’ is holy. (Vayikra 19:2) "You shall be holy because I am holy, H’ your Gd." It starts with marital relations and not acting sexually deprave. It starts with looking outside your family, at the Hitittes... It doesn't stop there. (Vayikra 19:1-14) Then there is Shabbat. No idol worshiping. And eating Kodesh at the right times... You eat holy when you're holy... (Vayikra 19:9) Leave the corner of the field. Gifts to the poor... Yes. That’s part of being holy. Mitzvahs. You do Mitzvahs, the land's stomach feels better... Donations to your shul is part of being holy. You don't give donations. You don't go to the shul dinner and pay $330 for a seat. This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. If you liked shnitzel, the shul would like you more... And pay people on time. Your rabbi has to wait for a check every two weeks... Don’t steal. Don’t lie, especially in Gd’s name. Basically, stay away from the board. (Vayikra 19:13) Don’t let payment remain till morning... Well, if that's the one writing the checks, the office manager should be upchucked. We affect our land. And that is done by not giving gifts to the poor... A dollar in the Pushke does not make for a land that doesn't vomit you up. You have to give more Tzedakah than a dollar... I know you never give more. If you were giving a corner of your land, it would be the area with hypotenuse of one centimeter... Don’t burn random stuff on Lag BOmer. Like land. Unless if it's Simcha's. He won't mow the thing. And don’t curse the deaf or place a stumbling block in front of blind people... No. It’s not funny, Samantha. The whole tripping thing... The whole not cleaning up your kids' toys and leaving them laying around in the shul's hallway... This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. You contaminate. “And you shall fear your Gd. I am H’.” It is this fear that keeps us holy and not contaminated when we are in our rooms at home. When we are in shul and wanting to throw out Samantha and the board. It is this fear of Gd that allows us to live properly in Israel. With nicely paved streets. No potholes. Decent building facades made of Jerusalem stone... But it all starts with how you treat the family. And your kids are messed up... Rivka's Rundown I am not a big fan of the shul upchucking me. I don’t like the visual. The sermon was quite graphic with the upchucking of nakedness. Half the shul thought cutting wood was another euphemism for passing gas. To quote, “Did Bernie pass gas, cut cheese or cut wood?” Very true. Depravity has ruined our downtown. Even the streets have potholes. The first half of the sermon was the rabbi answering questions. The second half was the rabbi repeating Halacha, Jewish laws, trying to get his congregants to be moral and decent people. He gave up on that and just told them that they and their families are the reason why there are potholes in the streets. He then answered questions by telling them they are full of nakedness because they don't donate enough money to the shul. Immorality is in private company. I know this, because I have seen many of our congregants picking their nose in their cars. They wouldn't do that, if they knew people were watching. I know our congregants are not good with outward Mitzvot too. I am sure they are good at not checking out their aunts and uncles. But they are definitely not good at showing up for Minyin or getting a decent Lulav and Etrog. They look like a bunch of peasants, walking around on Sukkot with their branches coming apart. It’s a rip off. $330 for a dinner. And then you get what?! Just call it a donation. If the called it a donation, I would know I was getting ripped off, and I would feel like I was giving a corner of my salary to the shul. By the way, the shul is not poor. I know this, because they just pulled in $330 for seats and dinner, with a clean four thousand percent profit. They don't need the corner of the field. By the way, after the dinner (I had to go- I couldn't get out of it- they honored somebody I know- which is how they get you to pay), I went for falafel. The $330 chicken was dry. I'm figuring they were charging us for the extra work they put into drying out the chicken. The chef put no care and love into his food. I am guessing he only saw fifteen of the three hundred thirty. Older people who could afford the dinner didn't show up, because they thought it was only for younger people. There was one young family who showed. They brought their six-year-old and toddler. They figured it was cheaper to pay for the little one than to have to hire a babysitter. The rabbi blamed the dumb idea of making a fundraiser for young people who can't afford it on the board. The rabbi has started a new thing where anything that goes wrong gets blamed on the board. He gave an extremely non-inspirational Yom HaAtzmaut speech. He blamed it on the board. He said their last meeting about new secure door hinges interfered with his clarity about the meaning of Israel's independence. It turns out that you have to call people six times to ensure they purchase their seats for dinners where shnitzel is $330. They should use this method to get people to pay for Aliyahs. Once people are worried the shul won’t stop calling, they will give money to not have to hear the phone ring. I'm not paying for the shnitzel and the chair. And by the way, you don't get to keep the seat. That was my protest. I paid. I had to. They get you with the honorees. You have to go broke because they're honoring Shloimi and Bracha for knowing people. I believe that was the honor. They know people. The Dinner of Fun drew a younger crowd, who didn’t pay entrance. The young people that came said it’s not fun to pay. Being that the shul is now listening to the younger crowd, they heard their plight and told them they don’t have to pay. The young people had fun at the Dinner of Fun fundraiser, and the shul lost money. But the young people said they will promise to show up to programs where they don’t have to pay for the food. So, we're moving in a positive direction for the future of our shul. Our congregants burn anything they can find on Lag BOmer. This is why the rabbi had security at the shul all week, guarding the drapes and table covers, in anticipation of Lag BOmer. The shul Lag BOmer bonfire was a video. They did a video bonfire this year. They said it is safer if it’s in video form. So, they put up a screen and we sang. The singing was with a video leader. The new idea of the shul is to have everything in video form. Ever since COVID, people like their Judaism in video form. That was messed up. Treating Nachum like a felon. The guy has been part of the community since he was a child. I think it was to spite Nachum for not being wealthy. If he had more money, they would've let him in with a gun. The whole safety thing is ludicrous. You show up to an event and you can't get in. The only way you can get in is if you resend the Jewish Federation your profile. Each event you have to re-prove that it's you. And then they don't even tell you where it is. That's it. Nachum didn't get into the event because he knew where it was. Only a felon would know where they're hosting a Jewish event nowadays. We have to stop worrying about antisemitism. It's just causing more Jew hatred. I wouldn't be surprised if Nachum attacks the Jews now. Even if he does, they won't let him in. The crazy thing is that the Federation is vigilant when it comes to keeping Jews out. They are good at keeping Jews out of Jewish events, for the safety of Jews. If an anti-Semite showed, they would let them in. No questions asked. The board started blaming Donald Trump for everything. The president said he was possessed by Donald Trump to send foreigners to shuls in other countries, saying they were tourists. He felt so bad that he misunderstood Trumps statement against terrorists. Nothing was mentioned about Mother's Day. It turns out that there is no extra Mitzvah to honor your mother on Mother's Day. Hence, our shul and the Funtime Committee charges them $330 for a dinner. Tags:
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Shloimi is the new Gabai. Because the rest of you can’t figure out when to start Chazaras HaShas. A bunch of fools spaced out, looking around. The rabbi takes three steps back, you start. Note to All Congregants: People finish their silent Amidah, you start right away. Otherwise, we will lose congregants to places that are faster. And if you are leading, do it fast. Nobody wants to hear you sing. Even your wives are schepping no Nachis. We are going to stop giving envelopes to people after Aliyahs. We realized that not one person has sent a check to the shul in appreciation. It turns out our membership can’t even afford stamps. You can now donate to the shul. Anything we already have in the shul is up for donation. Bookcases. The Ark. Youth groups. Samantha’s huge hat she decides to wear to block everybody’s view. The annual dinner is next week. We’ve changed the name from the Dinner of Excellence to the Dinner of Fun. We feel this will draw a younger crowd. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Make Everyone Wait, Spacing Out Before Chazaras HaShas. How to Use an Envelope and Make a Donation. How to Get Rid of Past Donations By Taking Off The Cover of The Torah Somebody Else Donated. How to Put a Plaque on Everything With Our Board. How to Make Everything Sound Like a Preschool Program With Our Annual Dinner's Committee. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Burns are not Tamei. If you burn yourself on the stove top... Why are you touching stove tops and not speaking Lashon Hara?... Bald men are still pure. Not somebody you’d want to set your daughter up with... Girls aren't attracted to the baldness, Baruch... Doesn't make you contaminated. Just single. (Vayikra 13:55) Clothes can be contaminated. If the affliction “has not changed its color after it has been washed, and it has not spread, it is contaminated, you shall burn it...” I’ve been telling Nachum to burn his shirt because it’s ugly. Purified clothes can still be ugly when purchased at Costco... Kirkland shirts are great. Did your shirt come with cashews?... First you try to clean it. (Vayikra 13:54) You clean the contaminated area. Some things you can’t fix. Like our shul. The slow uptake on the cantor's repetition of the Amidah. Donations for everything, causing a deficit... How donations cause a deficit is an anomaly. Yet, our shul somehow finds it normal... (Vayikra 13:56-58) Clothes become impure too... You need clean clothes. Otherwise, you might as well burn them. If they come out cleaner, “the affliction left them, it shall be immersed again and it shall become pure.” Pure clothes have to be clean. When you dress like our congregants, with stains all over, you start to ask how much Lashon Hara they’re speaking. And you ask why they keep wearing white shirts... I know you're supposed to wear white on Shabbat. But all I see are red and blue stains... (Vayikra 14:8) Purification here involves birds... Not out of a hat... Hyssop too... He “shall immerse his clothes, and he shave all his hair, and he shall immerse himself in water and become pure...” He needs a deep clean. After all the Lashon Hara, you smell bad... I don’t know what hyssop is. Maybe they use it to make stuff smell better... They speak Lashon Hara because you wear messed up clothes. Because you don’t shower. If you showered and didn’t dress like Baruch, who is bald, and maybe wore a hat, to cover up your baldness, nobody would speak Lashon Hara about you... The point is to be clean when you purify... I’ve seen you bringing grimy pots to the Mikvah... If it’s not clean, it’s not pure... To be clean of sin. To get rid of your messed up clothes. Some things you can't make better. Your sinful stained clothing. You burn it... Our shul is not pure. This is why we must cleanse the shul of contaminated people who can't Daven... People who have no idea when to start doing Chazaras HaShas, the repetition, should be quarantine... Then why are they leading?!... Well they shouldn’t lead Davening. You guys have no idea what to do in shul. You’re like a Chazir stuck in headlights. Shloimi has the head nod down. He knows people’s names. He’s not afraid to call up people for Aliyahs to the Torah... The last Gabai just stood there hoping somebody would give him an idea of who to call up... This is why Shloimi is not quarantined. He's a good leader. He knows how to nod at the right moments. He let's the Chazin know to start the repetition of the Amidah... And your singing is off. This is the only shul where the wives are saying, "My husband has such a bad voice. I wish he wouldn't lead..." Other shuls have wives that feel like their husband is serenading them when they're taking the Amud... That means being a Chazin. Leading the Tzibur. The Baal Tefilah. Cantor. Baruch! And your wife doesn't want to hear you sing. No wife here wants her husband to serenade her. People would ask why she married that... Too much donation asking. You even ask people for donations in quarantine... They can't give donations in quarantine. With unclean money... Why the Aliyah envelopes? People don't use envelopes anymore. They make donations online... Then we should give them the shul's web address... Yes. On Shabbis. When else, Bernie?... It's a web address. It's not a physical address. You can tell people where that is. We don't have to worry about security at the web address. We don't need to put in 500k for a decent firewall... Be pure. Give to the shul. Give clean money... Money should be run through the laundry after you’ve touched it with all your sneezing in the back to the shul there... Lashon Hara makes people sneeze. Contamination... It’s like an affliction of sneezing. And then I have to clean my clothes... Handkerchiefs are not pure. They’re Tamei. Not Tahor... Well. Handkerchiefs are disgusting... Well, the bookcase is in shul. So, it costs more. It’s the space you’re paying for... Of course. You donate stuff that is already here. It was donated before. Now you redonate. It’s called a redonation... It's where you take away the donation that was there before. And the shul gets more money... I need a raise... You can donate anything. The shul will take money for anything... How are we going to put a plaque on Samantha's hat?... Money makes things uncontaminated. A donation has the power to give somebody who does not keep the laws of Shabbat an Aliyah... It's how the law works Bernie... I agree. Dinner of Fun makes no sense. It’s a fundraising dinner. Who’s giving money? Eight-year-olds?... A fun house is impure. Burn it. We need a pure fundraising event with old people... Because they give money... Younger crowd? Young people don't give money... Young couples give nothing... The Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse. It's all here. So much Lashon Hara to be spoken about. The dumb decisions of the president of this shul. The handkerchiefs. The dumb donation ideas. The Dinner of Fun to raise 400K... It doesn't mean you have to speak Lashon Hara about the board and the stupidity. You therefore must atone by cleaning within you the stuff you spoke Lashon Hara about... You shave, because you spoke about somebody's bad hair. Either that, or you look disgusting... Be pure. Donate in a way of immersion. Immerse into the donations to the shul. Most of all. Make it all make sense. Give a lot of money... The message of our Parsha is that no matter how Tamei you are. No matter how messed up of a congregation you belong to. No matter how many people speak Lashon Hara about your dumb ideas of Funtime Dinner Night for adults. You have to clean your clothes... Put up a load every once in a while. Otherwise, you're Tamei. And a happy Yom HaAtzmaut... It's the 5th of Iyar today. And you have a Tamei mind. Not thinking about Israel. Rivka's Rundown I so respect our rabbi and his ability to turn any speech into an appeal. Beautiful Yom HaAtzmaut sermon. I thought the rabbi was going to appeal on behalf of Israel at the end there. But he was focused on his messed-up congregants who he said are too contaminated to be allowed into Israel. I think the rabbi left Israel out of his speech, because the congregation is so messed up. He also doesn't want to lose any money to Israel. To quote the rabbi, "Israel at least has Jews who care, and give their rabbi a raise." They're so worried about security, the president made the staff bring in a cyber-security team to make sure nobody can find our address. Now, nobody can find the shul, because it's not listed anymore. And nobody can find out when Minyin is, because they can't find the web address. Security has kept people from showing up to programs. They still don't tell people where or what is going on, for security reasons. And what are they worried about the internet for? Nobody will want to steal the shul's debt, brought on by the Funhouse Fundraiser. The Parsha is just making fun of bald people. Bald people and people who dress with stains. Either that or Tzara'at. Baruch is bald and trying to meet a woman. It's a turnoff. All the girls see is a bald four-year-old in their future. Stanley's wife, Nechama, blamed him for their baby coming out of the womb bald. In the birthing unit, she started yelling, "Our baby has no hair because of you. A bald little six pounder." I didn't like the idea of calling the kid a six pounder. When I usually order a six pounder of brisket. Come to think of it, I can't think of a non-bald man in our congregation. I agree. Kirkland clothing is not the best thing to tell people about. You shouldn't advertise you purchased your clothes at the grocery. The sermon started with a whole discussion about how very white people should not be made fun of. Nor should bald people. The rabbi had to explain the difference between Tumah, impurity, and ugly people. The rabbi's main point was the board is contaminated. It took the rabbi a while to explain how Lashon Hara makes you smell bad. I respect him. He didn't give up on it. He had a concept. Nobody understood it. And he kept with it. Some of our congregants sneeze a lot. Disgusting. Since COVID, sneezing has finally been accepted as disgusting and reason to quarantine people. Truth is the last Gabai was just scared. He got attacked for giving an Aliyah once. He thought he was calling up somebody to the Torah. The next thing he knows, he's getting attacked and Moishie is screaming at him, “You called the wrong Balabas again. I’m going to beadle your face.” Balabas is a Baal Habayit. The head of a household who likes to complain about the rabbi and attack the Gabai. The Aliyah envelopes are such a scam. Once I saw that, I knew they were trying to get money any way possible. Donating to the shul is something I'm now having a hard time with. A bookcase is $80. Shul donation, the bookcase is 10k. The shul is just scamming as much money as possible. And then it appears they can just drop it for a new one. If there were time commitments, like donation warranties, I would think about doing it. But they'll just get rid of my bookcase and replaque it. If I'm getting a bookcase, I want a lifetime warranty on it. Ikea gives a warranty for eighty-dollars. It's like a bad dentist, replaquing stuff. They're saying they messed up the first time with the Goldbloom family, and nobody should remember Howard Goldbloom and the two-million-dollars the Goldbloom family donated to the Torah covers. A bookcase is all I can afford. That's a pathetic thing to donate. Even the tablecloth is more than the bookcase. You donate a bookcase, that's the kind of thing you don't put your name on. You put your name on a building. Maybe an ark. It's Gd's ark, but you put your name on it when you have the money. As the rabbi taught in his sermon, money is pure. If you give enough money, it's your ark. The board will replaque and redonate it. If you give enough money, the Torah is yours too. Given by Moshe. But in our shul it's given by Yankel Simchovitz. The shul is even having people donate programs. Donate youth groups. Donate a baseball game. Donate something that has nothing to do with Judaism. They found a way to put on plaque on youth groups. Brilliance. And we have no youth. Some say we have youth. We have children. Youth are kids that care about their Judaism. Samantha's hat is huge. Very true. You can fit a plaque on it. It might even be bigger than the bookcase. I should donate the hat. And the Dinner of Fun is $280. I am going to go to Playhouse Funhouse for $15. The rabbi banned handkerchiefs. He said they are Tamei, due to the disgusting amounts of sneezing in the shul. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shemini4/27/2025
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The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder. We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish. We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter. Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it. We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin. Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah." Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon... The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now... Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today... Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion. When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie... When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines. We may not fully grasp the spiritual command... We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical... Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!! And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so... And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul. How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree... There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight... You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk... I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation. Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense... Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved. We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves... Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you... No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?! I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box. We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah. Do they toss it before they send it out?! I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok... The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah. And the only one who gets it is Shloimi. I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down. There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there... I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion... Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by... Rivka's Rundown What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death. "We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical. Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual. I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people. She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify. Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation. Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks. The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies. Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great. We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section. The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board. How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers. Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat. Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate. We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris. Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi. Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there. Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?! (Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???! Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated... Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back... It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly. People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day... Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that. Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative... Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder... Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your... How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons. We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo. You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now. You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son... Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz... Is everybody back. Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned... It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah. How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce... It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too... Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time... If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting... (Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul. If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership. That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark! It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job... There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan. Rivka's Rundown Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together. They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?” After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon. The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them." I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder. I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp. Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah. Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran. The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing. The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels. Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved. The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima. They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul. This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYikra4/6/2025
Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions. Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early. The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that. Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin... (Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards.... There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy... Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody. The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens. You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community... So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together... We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism. I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie. I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition... People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition. People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening... You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody. The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast... Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed... The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood. We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder... You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace.... We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood. You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it... This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?! Rivka's Rundown The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it. The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good. Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned. The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him. Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him. He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing. The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked. The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown. Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow. I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her. They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life. I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Pikudei3/30/2025
Announcements
We apologize for the baseball outing. It was spring training and the board didn’t think the Florida trip was a problem. Next year, we’ll plan the shul baseball outing within 500 miles of your homes and during the baseball season. The PTA isn’t part of the shul. We want to make it clear. Parents ruin the shul. Everyone thinks they have something to say. Do not use your connection to the PTA to bother the rabbi. The shul doesn’t take responsibility for educating children. They will end up like Bernie. We’ve had many complaints about the Sefardi Chazan. We ask Amisar to bring down the high-pitch a bit. We respect the beautiful tradition. Ashkenazim have sensitive ears. We want to welcome Amisar’s family to the shul. We didn't notice you over Amisar's high-pitch. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Spend 2k to Sit in the Stands and Get a Tan at a Baseball Game. How to Ruin Your Child’s Education with Congregants. Sefardic Roots and The Ability to Sit in Shul and Enjoy It. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 39:33) “They brought the Mishkan to Moshe...” They didn’t make him walk out of his way, like when you need the rabbi to Kasher you home for Pesach... You bring the vessels to the shul. I don't run a ladle pickup service. They came to Moshe. You bring stuff to your rabbi. (Shemot 39:33-42) They brought him all the stuff they made. All the gold and copper vessels. The clothes for Aharon and his children to serve with. They didn't bring Moshe problems. They didn't bring Moshe a divorce... They didn't bring Moshe the vessels and a question about whether they can use them on Pesach... The ides is not to make your rabbi's job harder... The idea is also to not use stucco on the inside of a building. The worst idea. You use stucco on the outside. You worked and made the shul worse... That is why I don't always encourage your projects. Because they are useless. If you brought copper to the shul, your rabbi would be happy with you... (Shemot 39:43) “And Moshe saw all the work, and they did it as H’ commanded, that’s how they did it. And Moshe blessed them.” You’ve done no work. You have not helped at all... Max. You quit your job yesterday and told your boss he should go to... You cursed your boss, Max. Do something... Divorce is not the focus of blessing... Even if you're working on it. We’re trying to get rid of members. We’re not trying to break up families at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Well. Let's talk about work. Let's talk about what you should donate to the shul. Did H’ command you to make a pottery ashtray? No. Therefor it doesn’t get a blessing. You get blessed when you do stuff H’ commanded you... What have you done that is good?... H' did not command you to setup a baseball game trip to Florida. Especially when you could've donated that money to shul. I would have blessed you if you donated that money... Why the baseball game? It’s March. You schedule nothing right... It was spring training. That’s down in Florida. You even misscheduled Pesach... I saw the calendar. It’s two days off. You even made that wrong. How do you misschedule Pesach? You don't donate money to any organization, and you don't get a calendar... You give money to organizations, you get a calendar before the year, and you get blessed with knowing when Jewish stuff takes place... Betting on March Madness is not work... You brought me your betting brackets. I don't think Moshe would've blessed that. I don't care about Danny Woolf... Wait. A Jew... Did H’ command you to schedule a trip to Florida for a spring training baseball game? Hence. Not blessed. And I'm fine telling your children that your ideas are not blessed... Why are your kids at the sermon. This isn’t a family friendly sermon. This is real stuff. This isn't matinee... This is not a matter for the PTA. The PTA breaks up families. Not a blessing. You mess up enough at the school. Thanks to the PTA, children don't get soda anymore for lunch. And now kids don't even want to go to school... If the PTA focused on lice, we wouldn't have problems at Kiddish. The herring would be OK to eat. We would all be able to make Brachas... What's a blessing?! Not the PTA. Because the PTA doesn't work. The PTA is a bunch of parents who are not at work... You can't meet at 2pm and call that work... H’ didn’t command children to be in the sermon. If the PTA cared to raise kids as Gd commanded... If you taught the kids as Gd commanded, it would be a blessing. And they would have soda machines. Maybe even SodaStream. Support Israel a little blessing... Did H' command you to fire the best teacher, because you have to do something as the PTA? Hence. Not blessed... I am sorry. I can’t hear you. My ears are still ringing from Shacharit. The high-pitch thing is not usually done in Ashkenazi shuls... H' did not command that high of a pitch when singing and leading... No. I appreciate the Amens. I also appreciate the Davening. It just hurts my ears... I would've said Amen to your blessings if my ears weren't ringing... Why didn’t you welcome Amisar’s family last week? Well. We want to welcome you and your family. Hopefully, you work. It would be nice to have a congregant that helps a bit... Do what H’ commands and I can bless you. Kind of hard when you have congregants... I pray you will all do something good, like Amisar. I love the guy Amisar says Amen. We are commanded to say Amen. Amisar is blessed. Even if you are not helpful as a professional, and you are part of the PTA. H’ asks you to do Mitzvot. Do Mitzvot. Let Mitzvot be your work... You don’t have to be a craftsman to do Mitzvot. Ashkenazim can do Mitzvot. You don’t have to be a weaver to put on a Tallis. You don’t have to be a community organizer to show up to Minyin... Then why am I the only one?... No blessings for you. H' tells you to clean your home for Pesach. So please stop coming to me with questions. Clean... I understand that's work. Clean and you will be blessed. Rashi teaches that Moshe blessed them, “May it be H’s will that the Shechina rest upon your handiwork... May the pleasantness of H’ our Gd be upon us and our handiwork may He establish. (Tehillim 90:17 which Mosher wrote)." There is nothing pleasant about spending 2k to fly down to Florida for spring training. Especially when the PTA is complaining about tuition. And shul doesn't even have tuition... It’s hard to bless when there is no handiwork. No craftsmanship even in your house. Not one piece of crown molding… There is no Shechina in the PTA. Hence, no Bracha... Amen. Exactly. Thank you Amisar... Your handiwork is what brings upon blessing. But not when our congregants are doing the work. If Moshe had to go out of his way to see what you guys do for the shul, if he saw how Max just gave up in the middle of schnitzel, he wouldn’t have blessed you. He might have given up... One side breaded schnitzel... He would've seen no pleasantness. Probably wouldn't have hit a rock. Might have hit a congregant... Amen to Amisar. A congregant who came to Topeka to work. Somebody that understands that stucco belongs on the outside of a building... I will see you all for Kashering of your vessels this week. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi ended by not blessing the congregants. Unique in his approach. Love it. I think the rabbi made his point very well. The congregants should work. But they should not expect blessing for their work, as it is useless. Our congregation has messed up ideas of work. And then they have no idea what "donate" means. They think it's pasta before Pesach. You donate pasta boxes before Pesach. They think cleaning is donating pasta boxes. We are truly not a handi-congregation. I don’t think the rabbi wants to see our handiwork. That would be a curse. It will come out worse than the stucco that fell. It wasn’t impasto at first. Then, Maxine thought it would be a good idea to do the whole shul like that. That was a mistake. It’s good H’ didn’t ask us to decorate the Tabernacle in self-portraits of raised texturized paint. Finally, somebody went off on the PTA. They fired Ms. Sandor. A great teacher, teaching home economics. The parents were mad that their kids were saying that they shouldn't waste money on trips to Florida. PTA got her fired. The PTA has been showing up everywhere. They even complained that Marshall’s didn’t have a good enough holiday sale. This is why we have an office secretary. To keep the board away from scheduling. Now I know why they have to do the whole service out loud in Sefardi Minyins. With the high-pitch Chazin thing, you can’t concentrate. You have to let them do it for you. People came to the class given by Amisar on how to enjoy shul. Not one Ashkenazi connected. Amisar has a beautiful family. Great kids. They clean up after themselves. They are kind. They share. The PTA has already been complaining about this behavior to the Amisar and his wife. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Vayakhel3/23/2025
Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot. We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta. Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues." We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel. Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul. (Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help... Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron... We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes... Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim... The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart. (Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place... Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King... Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!... The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section... What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants... It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale... Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants... Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls. Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t. The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry. The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge. By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it. The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent. The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi. The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes. His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis." Tags:
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Announcements
The Mishloach Manot this year was pathetic. On behalf of the shul membership, we ask that nobody gives gift packages till next Purim. To quote Bernie, “I have enough junk left over from Halloween. I don’t need more bite size Snickers. I don’t take Snickers that have only one letter. I only take Snickers that has the full word on it.” We ask that all Kaddish people go to the Bima to say Kaddish together, so that Simmy doesn’t mess it up for everybody again, saying it off beat and making the mourners mad. We apologize to all the mourners on behalf of Simmy, for making your loss very not enjoyable. Everybody should have enough food to eat at home after the shul’s Purim meal. As it is a community meal, there will not be enough... People were asking if it was a holiday party. We did have a bouncy house. Hence, it was a holiday. Contemporary Halacha Class: The Requirement of a Bouncy House at All Shul Events According to the Torah. How to Make Mourners Mad with Kaddish and Mishloach Manot. How to Ensure Nobody Gets a Full Serving at a Purim Party. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It was after the Golden Calf. There was a plague and the Leviim killing people... The Leviim in our shul couldn’t kill a fly. The most they would do is wash a fly’s hands... Should we have destroyed the bouncy house? Probably. It’s what the children in our shul seem to pray to. The Levites should’ve taken a knife to it and deflated it. Hence, killing it... (Shemot 33:13) Moshe pleads to know Gd’s ways. I just want to understand why the board makes such dumb decisions. Why a Purim party consists of no Hamentashen... It’s Purim. Why do we have Danish? What did the Danish do to our people that we should be eating their ears?!!! (Shemot 33:15) Moshe says to H’, “If your presence doesn’t go (with us), do not bring us up from here.” And we have not seen Gd’s presence in Topeka. And thus, with this congregation, I am stuck not moving from Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You wouldn't remember if you saw Gd's presence last night. You were drunk. We need Gd’s presence to move ahead. To move out of Topeka. We don’t depend on a bouncy house when we don’t see Gd. Where is Gd's presence in Danish? And there are more questions about our board... I heard kids complaining about their Halloween food... There shouldn't be Halloween food. It's a Jewish holiday. There should be Christmas food. Leftovers from Christmas is fine, as Jews buy that after Christmas, when it's on sale. You don't have kids seeing Gd's presence when there is a ghost on their licorice. You don't end up knowing Gd's ways through a skeleton on your lawn... Even if it's made out of plastic. It's about knowing Gd's ways. Moshe's plea is what we strive for, and why we follow laws. It's why I stay away from board meetings... And then you put the disgusting leftover candy in the donation basket. Even the poor people didn’t like it... Nobody wanted leftover poppy seed... Even if it's in Hamentash form. Your Mishloach Manot made people not want to be Jewish. And now we have to find a way to get rid of it before Pesach... Simmy. Your Kaddish was off. You ruined everybody's mourning... Your father would’ve never wanted you to get every mourner in shul frustrated. H' wants happy mourners... It was two beats off. You don’t canon Kaddish. I believe that Phil was more angry about this Kaddish than his wife passing away... And then the mourners are still getting over Shiva and how the community stopped bringing them food after they got up from Shiva. Where is Gd’s Presence if there is no food... Leftovers at a meal are necessary. Leftover Halloween candy that you can't even throw at a Bar Mitzvah kid is not wanted... You don't throw chocolate with bunny rabbits at a Bar Mitzvah either. It's about cooking a lot. That is Gd's way when it comes to food. That is what makes a Jewish holiday... You guys never cook enough. I always need to eat leftovers at home. That is not Gd's way. Gd likes brisket. A lot of it. Is there Gd's presence where there is no brisket?... This was not a Seudah. It was a Purim snack. If you call it a meal, make sure it’s a meal. If there aren’t leftovers, there wasn’t enough. And H's presence is not felt. At least we have leftover Purim Danish... Because nobody ate it, Bernie. They didn't like it. It's not Hamentashen. It's Danishtashen. Because somehow the Danish wanted to hang Mordechai... Rivka's Rundown Yeah. Why do I pay for the shul meals when I have to cook a meal for the shul meal?! The rabbi is so correct. Where there is no food, there is no Gd's presence. And then idol worship happens. It's because of poppy seed Hamentashen. I got the worst packages. Halloween leftovers. It took me thirteen Mishloach Manot to finally realize people were giving me Snickers. I don’t like the Hershkovitzs anymore. Chutzpah to give a Mishloach Manot in a grocery bag. That much junk! And then with a smilie face on it. Chutzpah. Like they're rubbing it in that their house is now clean. Next year, I'm dumping everything I don't want in their Mishloach Manot. If I have a tin that's questionable recycle, I'm putting it on them. Let them figure it out. They're also getting open bags of licorice. The stale ones. Shul right after the Purim Seudah is not the greatest idea. It turns out they Daven slower when they're drunk. My husband didn't make it home till 11pm due to a very long LCha Dodi Nay Nay Nay extension. The children's connection to shul and Gd is a bouncy house. That is their temple. I was against the bouncy shul when the board proposed it. However, I do feel it would bring a lot more youth to our congregation. It was Hamentashen. It’s just that the local bakery makes Hamentashen with their Danish recipe. Between us, it's a scam. You think you're getting Hamentashen, and then you're getting a triangle blueberry Danish. And that's supposed to be Jewish. After the Hershkovitzs gave us that mound of trash, we were not happy. We took it out on the rest of the community. We made a Bar Mitzvah candy stoning pile and started throwing it at whoever showed up at our door and gave us Mishloach Manot. Hopefully, next Purim we will have no friends. Who needs friends when you can't even tell if it's a Snickers bar. A whole grocery bag and we thought it was a Mars bar the whole time. The Kaddish is truly off. I don’t even know when to say Amen. And then to see the angry looks. Phil even said, “My wife died for this?!” Tags:
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Our speaker this week will be giving a talk in support of Israel. There should be no talking during her presentation. It's not Davening. We ask that people keep the talking down in shul. We understand that you will not hold back from conversation. We just ask you to keep at an inside voice. Yelling about your child’s little league baseball success during Musaf is not necessary. You must be quiet for Parshat Zachor. It’s a commandment to hear it, so don’t talk. It’s not a Mitzvah to hear about Mini’s nieces. We must erase the memory of Amalek. We are trying to forget the membership of the shul. This Thursday night is Purim. We ask that Mike doesn’t dress up. His tight clothing scares the children. Contemporary Halacha Class: Being Loud When You Hear Haman, Like Mini Talking in Shul. How The Congregants in Our Shul are a Type of Haman (this class will be given by congregants). Why Mike Lost Custody of His Children and How That Relates to Grownups in Costume. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We would like to call up Dafney for Israel... I don’t know if Dafney is a Hebrew name. But she’s for Israel... Thank you. Beautiful speech about how Israel accepts homosexuals... What Dafney was saying is that Israel is accepting. Like the Ephod and Choshen that had the names of all the tribes... Sadie. Good question. Homosexual is not a tribe... When we crossed the Jordan, they were not allotted the land of Tel Aviv... When we look to our Parsha, we see the importance of clothing. You make clothes correctly... Many homosexuals do dress well. That is true. At least they were suits that fit. Unlike the men sitting in the back left... Clothes have meaning. You don’t just buy a suit from Kohl’s and call it a day. You get a tailor, so you don’t look like Bernie... You check for Shatnez and make sure it fits, Bernie. You’re swimming in the thing... Well. Husky is one size too many nowadays. You’re either in the mob, or you lost three hundred pounds, or your suit is from 1991. (Shemot 28:31) The Kohen Gadol's robe and the Ephod were turquoise wool. Looked good. A nice color. Not puke brown... (Shemot 28:33-35) The robe had to have pomegranates with gold bells all around. “...and he shall not die.” You have to make noise. You have to let H’ know you’re coming... Not like Reuven who has a conversation with Shloimi in the back of shul. Gd knows you’re talking... You're very loud when you talk. You all have to stop sneaking up on me with messed up questions at Kiddish. Announce it. Don’t announce it like Felvel’s suit... It’s too loud... Next time you come up to me and whisper a dumb question, I will attack you. You will die. The point is you dress nicely, and you don't scare people. You don't popup in shul dressed like Mike... Everybody loves greenish blue... Of course, not real pomegranates. That would stain the turquoise... Even your costumes are not appropriate for shul... Well, you could've dressed like a Mensch. Why did none of our congregants dress like a Mensch for Purim??? Your Purim costumes are not right. If the Kohen Gadol wore those into the Kodesh Kadashim, he would die... This is where “I would not be caught dead in that shirt” comes from. I hope we're not doing a costume parade this year. It's Asur. It's like Mardi Gras with a bunch of people who are not enjoying it... Jews don't smile when they dress in costumes if there is no alcohol involved... Grownups in costumes, like a teapot is scary to children. Grownups in costumes are considered not right for neighborhoods or our shul, Mike. Tight teapots are forbidden... Well, Mike, it keeps families from coming to shul for the holidays... Thank you for intertwining Purim and our shul, and how it would be a great Purim if our congregants were not in this shul anymore. Beautiful Dafney... I thought our members only talked when I’m talking. It turns out they talk whenever they have the chance to disrupt... It’s not Davening. Do you always talk in shul?! Is it just a thing that you can’t help. You come to shul and you feel, “Now is the time to talk”?!... Well Reuven. You're too loud... Then keep it down... You keep it down?! You shushed the Chazin. Told him he was ruining your conversation. "We are talking about my upcoming vacation to Panama.” The Kohen Gadol didn’t walk around talking to people about where they’re vacationing for Pesach. That conversation was not part of the service when he was atoning for your sins... We're about to read Parshat Zachor. Can you be quiet for that?! Just for that! I am not asking you to not talk for Dafney. You already talked during her speech... You have to remember Amalek to wipe them out... I do not know if Bernie is part of Amalek. We have to erase the memory of Amalek and the board. I am trying to erase the memory of the shul... And we remember. Just as Aharon wore the names of the tribes, we remember how disruptive our congregants are, and how not put together they look. And we must wipe out Amalek... We are all part of this community. Likutei Sichot of the Chabad Rebbe (vol.21 p186-187) teaches that the pomegranates represented the seemingly empty Jews, that are filled with seeds. The Kohen Gadol had to represent them. Empty Jews, i.e. our congregants... And yes. We include the Jews of Tel Aviv. Shloimi... Why is Shloimi talking to me now?! The Kohen Gadol didn’t wear the pomegranates and bells on his robe on Yom Kippur, because on that day we are all holy. Even the members of our shul that look like shlubs and talk all of Davening. And you don’t mess up your clothes as much, as your shoes can’t be leather... Pomegranates rub off the leather easier than Converse All Stars... The Jews with empty questions. I will stab you. Come up to me, like a Mensch. Come to shul dressed like a Mensch. It's not Yom Kippur... This has nothing to do with the Purim and Yom Kippurim Drasha... Rivka's Rundown Based on what we learn from the Kohen Gadol, our rabbi suggested he would shoot the next person who asked him a question at Kiddish. The rabbi threatened the congregation. After the rabbi let the membership know they will be stabbed if they come to him with a dumb question, nobody came to the rabbi for a couple of weeks. To quote our rabbi: "This has been the best two weeks of my tenure. I still had to see the congregants." People ended up not giving any money for Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts for the poor on Purim, because the rabbi hadn't told them how much to give, and they were too afraid to ask. The board didn't like the rabbi's threats, but they were too afraid to fire him. Which brought in a new era of the rabbi taking more vacation days without notice. I agree with the rabbi. Our congregants are pomegranates. They stain things. The rabbi gave the speech before reading Parshat Zachor today, because the message of people not talking was necessary to hear about killing Amalek, and how our congregants have annoying questions and don't dress like Menschin. How the rabbi got the no talking from wearing nice clothes and staining nice clothes with pomegranates, that is the brilliance of our leader. I agree with the rabbi. It would be nice if everybody wore turquoise. I would also like to not be surprise by our congregants coming over to me in Kiddish. I would like to see them from far away, so I could know if they were inching closer for conversation, so I could run. If they had on turquoise, I would be able to notice them better. Turquoise has that pop that I can catch with the corner of my eye, as Felvel is approaching the choolante. The only meaning of the clothes I see in the men’s section is that our congregants don’t care how they look. The old suit styles are like a Purim costumes. It's like those clown pants that people start walking out of. I will say that grownups in costume is wrong. You report that. You see a fifty year old in Barney walking down the street, that's a predator. You keep him away from the kids. Even if he's a hired entertainer. You keep kids away. Any grownup dressed as a teapot with tights, you report that. A Mensch would be a good costume. I've never seen one of our members dressed like one of those. The costume parade was messed up. It looked like a bunch of little kids not walking correctly. Orthotics. The amount of kids in our shul that need orthotics is messed up. Maybe it was the huge costumes that weighed them down in weird ways forcing them to wobble, maybe it was that they just had to go to the bathroom. I think it was orthotics. The rabbi called Dafney off the Bima in two minutes. She went off on how Israel should be loved because of homosexuality. The rabbi was fine with that. He just didn't think that would speak to the Muslim population that supports Gaza in our shul. Dafney only had a few people talking during her two-minute speech. After the rabbi told off the shul, and said shut up for Dafney, she got in a good paragraph of Israel advocacy. Then the rabbi threw her off the Bima. She was an excellent scholar-in-residence. Her speech costed the shul 3k. They talk so much. I think they forget they're in shul. That is the men in the back left. They even shushed some of the children. In the middle of the Torah service I heard Shloimi say, "Dad is trying to talk." I asked why he brought his kid to shul to shush him. He said shushing his kid is part of Chinuch, Jewish education. The rabbi suggested the congregants never talk. To quote, "Our relationship with Gd would be better if He didn't hear you." I don’t remember hearing Parshat Zachor. I only remember Shloimi screaming at his kid for talking when he was talking. Hearing Parshat Zachor is a commandment. So is honoring your parents. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Terumah2/28/2025
Announcements
We ask the men stop following the Torah with their eyes when we're walking around with the Torah. It's wrong to use the Torah for ulterior motives, such as checking out women. And it’s creepy Pinny. We understand you’re single, but it’s creepy. Song clappers are not better than anybody else. We ask that our members clap at a normal level of clap. We don’t need clapping showoffs in our shul. Clapping and jumping! We notice you. Baalei Gayva. We’re taking sermon donations. This week’s sermon is sponsored in honor of Mrs. Finkelwitz’s 90th birthday. The family wants everybody to know she’s suffered through sermons for 90 years. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Check Out Women Properly, at Kiddish. How to Be Noticed at Shul by Starting a Dance. How to Take Donations for Everything with Our Shul Board. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 26:9) "Fold the sixth sheet over the front of the tent.” So that it looks good. The shul’s curtain hasn’t been cleaned in years... Steam it. At least get out the folds. It’s not a non-iron curtain. The ark is a crease-iron curtain... They didn’t have non-iron curtains in the Tabernacle. The Mishkan had quality curtains... (Shemot 26:11) “...joining the tent together so that it becomes one.” Unlike our shul when it sings Adon Olam. It sounds like a hundred different songs, joining together into a hundred different unique songs of non-unison. Which sounds like people not singing along... I like the rhyming structure of the sermon as well, Sadie. Thank you. The sheets... Curtains Bernie. Yes. They’re bigger than sheets. It wasn’t bedding. The curtains join and become one. That is how the building is made for service of Gd... It’s not made with community quilts. You connect them right. You have the right holes and connections. You don’t have a board messing it up, with a president who has never hung anything in his life. You fold it nicely, unlike Pinny who’s never helped fold sheets in his house. He’s probably the reason for the messed up community quilt. All creased... And then, without the board, “It will be one"... The board would've ruined the Mishkan. And there are other coverings to make it look nice. Point is that you make the House of Gd look nice... A better paint job than stucco. We join as one, as the Mishkan, to make it beautiful... Joining as one does not mean singing "Etz Chaim Hi" so you can check out the women... It’s a Torah. It should not be used to check out the ladies in the front row. They’re kissing the Torah. It doesn’t mean they’re going to kiss you... Shloimi, get your head out of the Chumash. Becoming "one" means everybody together. It doesn't mean standing out with unified claps. The clappers are Baalei Gayva. Showing off... And they do the clap with that jump dance... You're doing it to be noticed. Nobody claps and jumps with the airplane dance in the middle of the Torah service to be discreet. I want to see any of you do that to not be noticed... Simcha is the only one who should be clapping. Simcha’s clap is inspired... Mazel Tov Mrs. Finkelwitz. You bring community together, just like my Drashas. My sermons bring community together. Your donation for the sermon will be used to bring the community together with better congregants... Rivka's Rundown The main takeaway from the sermon is that our shul's board would've ruined the Mishkan. It’s good our congregants didn’t help make the Tabernacle. If it was anything like the BBQ last week, in the snow, which didn’t get started, nothing would’ve come together. Pinny has definitely never folded anything in his life. If he had to iron anything, he would burn it. I always wondered why the guys all stood up and looked at the Chazin carrying the Torah back to the ark. It’s because they were walking near the women’s section and the guys were checking us out for Shidduchim. Some of the disgusting guys were hoping for more divorces. And they all sound inspired with Etz Chaim Hi. They’re just excited to think they might have a chance with Ruchel. This is why Pinny always shows off. He thinks he has a chance with Ruchel, so he starts clapping. The clappers have a lot of gall, always looking around when they're clapping. And there isn’t even a Torah to pretend they're not checking out everybody. The Torah's put back, it's the Kedusha in Musaf and they're bouncing and clapping, checking to see if Ruchel notices the loudness of their clap. I love how the clappers pretend like they're trying to be humble. And then they close their eyes. I've never seen somebody close their eyes so loudly. The singing in our shul is truly not in unison. I don't think anybody could argue that, especially once Pinny started his clapping to an applause beat during "Adon Olam." The shul is now taking sermon donations???!!! They take donations for Shalishudis, for Kiddish. No shame. Everything is a donation. The even auctioned off wings at the BBQ. I’m sure they’re going to start taking donations for Shacharit, sponsoring praying to Gd. Upon seeing Pinny clapping, they started taking donations for following the Torah with your eyes. The shul board said it was for a good cause. The following week, no single women showed to shul. The rabbi just said the donation for the sermon will be used to get better congregants. How? No idea. But the shul is making money off it. I think the rabbi truly wanted to say he doesn't like the membership. That was the message of the sermon. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Mishpatim2/23/2025
Announcements
We want to welcome Quevo to the congregation. It’s a great pleasure to have somebody who sounds so authentic when he prays. You and your family are very unique Jews. To quote Sharon, “They sound like real Jews. They might even be Sefardi.” We want to welcome all of the guests who came for the Berkstein Bar Mitzvah, who decided to vacation by us in cold. The shul ski trip has been cancelled. It has been decided that the trip would be better spent at a hotel without a slope. People who are out skiing don’t want to be told by members of the sisterhood that it’s dangerous and they’re going to catch pneumonia. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Different Kinds of Jews and How Not Everybody that is Jewish is Ashkenazi. Worst Places to Have Bar Mitzvahs. How to Catch Pneumonia by Listening to Our Congregants. How to Ruin Anything Fun- given by our sisterhood. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 22:6-15) If you’re watching something and you mess up, you have to pay for it... Like your kids. Gd gave you your kids and you mess them up... Mark. You don’t even watch your kids. And they’re still messed up... They’re messed up, Bernie. Have you seen these kids running around shul. If something gets stolen and you are benefiting from it, you're responsible when it’s under your guardianship. You have messed up the shul... A lot. Generations paid for our president to mess up this place. To take the money and mess it up... The roof is not leaking. Every year, you take the money from Bernie's grandparents, who people liked, unlike Bernie, and you fix the roof again... Then when you use the money to fix it, fix it... You're responsible for your animal, your child, even if it's just grazing. Have you seen your kid at Kiddish, sucking up Stella D'oros off the floor?! You have to pay the best of the field (Shemot 22:4). Your kids are a bunch of animals running around the shul, ruining stuff. You pay. You give the shul the best carpet... I've seen the Persian rug in your living room... A rug is a carpet. I think we have a congregational consensus... You give the shul the best Tonka truck. You give the candy man the best candies. These kids grazing lollipops... The candy man gets Tangy Taffy. The purple one... If they don't make it anymore, find it. It's about taking responsibility. And responsibility means giving of the best, and firing the president... Take responsibility. Responsibility when something is under your control, like your messed up kids. Responsibility for your racism. What's this big deal about "Sefardic Jews"? "Authentic"???! "He sounds Jewish"?! You’re racist... Not all Jews are Eastern European. And it's more offensive to Ashkenazi Jews. Felvel sounds very authentic for somebody who immigrated 70 years ago. Felvel still sounds like he lives in a Shtetl... That's authentic, Kerri. It’s Asur to be racist... Ashkenazim are not American Jews. You said you’re impressed with the “accent of those people.” "Those people" is racist. It's same as saying, "Stay away from them. They're going to take your money"... Sefardic Jews don't take your money. AShkenazi Jews are also authentic. Authentic and racist. It’s about taking responsibility and raising your kids right, so they don’t graze... Who goes someplace colder, without a ski slope... I understand it’s your nephew, but you should’ve skipped Dov’s Bar Mitzvah... Take responsibility for the worst Bar Mitzvah. It's not the best of Bar Mitzvahs. And Dov messed up Layning. Worst Torah reading... Who doesn't ski, but wants a hotel on a slope... You like sloped hotels?! Not one of you has ever skied. You’ve sat in the lodge. A hotel makes more sense... You should've had a destination Bar Mitzvah. Away from the shul... You guys make me sick. Thought I would put that in there. I'm taking responsibility for how annoying of a congregation this is... It's about thinking about others. About not taking them to a Bar Mitzvah where they're going to freeze. It's about allowing Quevo to be Eastern European.... The point is to be kind and nice to people. That is the basis of responsibility. Caring about others when you mess up. And that means congregants... (Shemot 22:20) “Do not taunt or oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” I feel like a stranger in this shul, with people that do the dumbest things. A bunch of Vilde Chayas. People that say the dumbest things. "Quevo is Sefardi." We have to accept it... Well, you’re accepting your kids too much. And Quevo is an Eastern European Mizrachi Jew. Do unto others as you would want done to you... We were slaves Bernie... Right now, we're slaves to America, with three story homes and backyards, and three car garages, and vacations down to Florida. Slaves, Bernie. Slaves. Have you heard the sisterhood when they're cooking?! "We're slaving in the kitchen..." Be kind and watch your kids. Do your part as parents... Mark is just a messed-up dad. Don’t have him watching over your kids... When you give something to somebody, to make up for what you did, you give the best. It’s about the importance of others. You give your rabbi a raise. The best raise... Ski lodges are not the best, if you’re not skiing. Rivka's Rundown Finally, a rabbi who doesn't want kids around. The main point of the sermon is the kids of the shul are animals. The kids in our shul are messed up. Especially the Simchovitz twins. It might be that I am just always seeing one of them cause trouble, and then I think it's one kid. But it's two messed up kids. If I split up the annoyance of the Simchovitz twins, they might be better than Mark's kids. It's just that they're identical. The rabbi loves the kids, he just doesn't want to see them. Because the parents are messed up. Come to think about it, I think the rabbi was telling the parents they're messed up, through talking about their kids. Especially Mark. Mark is messed up. I don't like the idea of the people of our shul taking responsibility for anything. They'll just mess it up. The president is definitely syphoning funds for dumb ideas, like the winter barbeque. Everybody thought it was a brilliant idea. And nobody showed up because, as the president said, "It was too cold." Quevo sounds Jewish. It just is what it is. It's that Middle Eastern sounding thing. "Those people" is a very racist thing to say. Same with “authentic.” “They say” is also racist. Anytime you’re vague, you’re being racist. That’s how my parents did it. “Don’t go shopping late at night. Those people are there.” Those people were never Ashkenazim. I always thought it was authentic people that were giving over the weather. “They say it’s going to be cold out.” Anything Quevo does now is considered Jewish, because his accent sounds Israeli. Everybody trusts him and nobody listens to the rabbi. Our congregants are enamored by Sefardic Jews. They were so enamored by Quevo, they started touching his face. One member said it feels different. I think that's because Quevo has a beard. The rabbi was suggesting he wanted the Bar Mitzvah to take place away from the shul, so he wouldn't have to be there. The Bar Mitzvah was spent with people trying to keep warm. A lot of shivering guests. They came and complained about snow the whole time. Some of us brought up the idea of a coat in February. Between us, you have to be a fool to leave Florida in the winter. What I got from the sermon was that people have to take responsibility for when they mess up, and they have to pay back with the best. And the Bar Mitzvah family messed up by bringing everybody to Topeka during the winter. And for that, they have to give good canty. Tangy Taffy is the best candy. It's a shame they don't make it anymore. If they handed out Tangy Taffy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, nobody would throw it. Our sisterhood at a ski slope is a Chilul H’. A desecration of Gd's name. They go and cook and tell people they’re going to catch pneumonia. There are places for us to be Jewish mothers. A ski slope is not one of them. The gym is also not a good place for Jewish mothers. Nobody needs one of us spotting them in the middle of a set. With three-hundred pounds of weight in their arms, they don't need to hear me yelling, "Why are you lifting so much?! It's dangerous!" The class on catching pneumonia from congregants was a class given by the rabbi about how they make him sick. After the class he didn’t show to shul for a week. He got pneumonia. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Yitro2/16/2025
Announcements
The shul is asking members to stop calling due to upset stomachs. Eating too many dried fruit is not a spiritual matter. It is one of health. Eating dried dates and figs in colossal amounts will also hurt your stomach when it’s not Tu BShvat. Rabbi Request: Please consult your doctor. They get paid to deal with your annoying questions. Snow exists. Again. You can pray for it to melt, or you can shovel your driveway. Either way, there is no excuse to not be at Minyin. Due to the Super Bowl and Kanye, we ask all Jews to stay away from rap concerts, for their protection. The Jewish day school wants everybody to know, their children not being educated is their fault. They also blame the rabbi. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Visit Your Doctor, Who Cares, And Not a Rabbi. How to Shovel a Driveway and Not Complain: Getting Our of a Driveway to Go to Shul. Not Having Good Deals on Coats Doesn’t Make A Store Owner an Anti-Semite. Not Sending Kids To School: Best Way to Educate Your Children. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 18:24-26) Moshe took his father-in-law’s advice and set up leaders of smaller numbers to judge. Leaders take advice when it makes sense. Not when Shmuli and Nachum come with a complaint about the chandelier in the chapel. Not when Ruchie goes off about the committee meeting about the hat sale. Which by the way was awful... It was awful. You didn't even purchase hats to sell, because the hats were too expensive... Then they should've bought them online. You sitting in front of a computer with them is not a hat sale... You called it the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Boutique Hat Sale. You can't have a boutique online... Even with two hats. And you should listen to your father-in-law, Yankel, and move... (Shemot 18:27) “And Moshe sent his father-in-law away...” Moshe realized he would start giving more advice. And father-in-laws can get annoying. But he did take that original advice. Yankel, leave the shul... Sometimes distance is important. Which is why I am asking for a five month vacation from you. The congregants. So, that I can like you. I believe I will like you from Israel... Leaders must judge, which is why I say this shul is messed up. I will tell you the truth. As your judge of the multitudes of the six people that show up to Minyin, I will express judgment... Unlike Yirto, you make no sense. Belief in Gd doesn’t stop your stomach from hurting when you’ve eaten four pounds of dried apricot... Tu BShvat is an important holiday, but you will get fat from dried fruit. It has sugar in it on Tu BShvat too. Your doctor should be consulted for hurt stomach and proper diet... Proper diet is Kosher. Yes. Kosher is the part I take care of. I make sure it is Kosher and that you can get heavy from it. Your doctor tells you why the Kosher food is hurting your stomach. I can't tell you that. I can only tell you how to enjoy it... Distance yourself from dried fruit for a bit. You have already distanced from shul... You can’t blame me for snow. I like snow. Especially because it keeps congregants from coming to shul... We need at least ten of you guys. You definitely have money for a plow. You haven’t paid dues. Listen and do things right. And distance yourself from what is wrong... No. Come to shul. We need at least ten of you. As your leader who saw the Super Bowl, you're not allowed to listen to rap anymore... Rap seems to have moved to antisemitism. Bernie. I think you would make a great rapper. You're an anti-Semite... Well. You disrupt sermons... The Beastie Boys are the worst. Ever heard “Fight For Your Right to Party”? They were skipping Minyin that day... Who depends on school for education?! Exactly! Why is this also my fault... I was not in the Heimfeld home fighting when you got divorced... The school is messed up. We all know it. Not one kid knew how to sing "Tu BShvat Higiah Chag Lailanot." Pathetic. Distance yourself from school. Listen to your rabbi... (Shemot 18:23) Yitro tells Moshe that if he does “this thing” of properly setting up courts and judges, and not wearing out people through his judgment alone, they will “endure and this entire people will arrive at its destination with Shalom.” Here, there is no proper judgment. Hence fighting like the Heimfeld family... The destination is Israel, for your rabbi, to get away from you, for Shalom... In order for Shalom, you have to listen and sometimes get rid of things. Like the shul president. And as Moshe sent away his father-in-law, I am asking we get rid of the shul president and send him anywhere... Another shul is fine. Let him preside over there. Let him bring them the curse of fights and anti-Semitic rap music... You listened to me?! Now please, go. Rivka's Rundown And the rabbi ended up leaving the shul and going home early. He didn't even stay for Musaf. He used Yitro as an excuse to run. The hat sale was awful. Ruchie thought her no brim hat was beautiful. I thought it was a swim cap. The rest of the sale was online. They should've called it an Online Garage Sale. That would've made more sense than calling it Boutique. The rabbi can't stand Yankel. Wants him out of the shul. The rabbi wants most of the congregants out of the shul. But he realizes he needs ten for a Minyin. The rabbi's concept is to lead the congregants from very far away. He believes that will allow him to love them more. Anything that allows him to not see them, allows him to like them more. The rabbi did ask the president to leave, for a blessing, so that the shul can be successful. To quote the rabbi, "The difference between you and Yitro is his advice was helpful." He also asked for himself to be relocated for peace. Due to the advice to see the doctor instead of the rabbi, many congregants showed up to shul. They were appreciative to the shul board for the announcements, as coming to shul to see their doctors saved them on the copay. The rabbi refused to be blamed for snow, even though he is a spiritual man who is connected to Gd. I love the Beastie Boys. That’s my connection to Yiddishkeit. I heard Paul’s Boutique and I realized I can be a good Jew too, without keeping Mitzvot. Fran swore Burlington is run by anti-Semites, as the pre-winter sale was shvach. At least the Jewish day school has now distanced themselves from the requirement to educate the children they teach. Before that, parents expected the teachers at the school to teach their children. Now, expectations can be met. Once some parents decided it was better to educate their children by bringing them to shul, the rabbi rescinded and told them school is better. The rabbi did say, "If you want me to educate your children, that's 18k a year plus shul dues." They hadn't paid last year's dues yet. The Heimfelds also fought at shul. It's weird. I am still trying to figure out why they got divorced. Half of Kiddish is couples fighting. Fighting has never broken up a marriage before in our congregation. The how to shovel a driveway class had many people complaining. Tags:
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Announcements
The food drive for the homeless brought in some excellent steaks. Prime cuts. It is very kind and thoughtful of our community to think of the homeless, giving them due respect of having fridges and grills in their tents on the streets. We will not be planting a tree in the middle of the sanctuary for Tu BShvat, as the board suggested. The rabbi says it feels like it's idol worship. He also said treating Mark kindly because he is a fool who has money is idol worship, even if he has an Olympic pool and pickleball court in the backyard. He’s also sure that the president of the shul is a heretic. Shul Notice: Dried fruit will also make you fat. We will host a Tu BShvat Seder for all the heretics. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Help the Homeless Like our Sisterhood. How to Not Have a Shul Full of Idol worshipers or Congregants. How to Keep the Laws of Tu BShvat and Not Be A Religious Jew. How Our Congregants Find a Way to Put On Weight Even When There is No Holiday. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s Shabbat Shira, The Sabbath of Song, and we’re asking our congregants to not sing... Have you heard yourself sing? Bernie. You sound like a congregant... (Shemot 14:15) At the sea, with the Egyptians right there and the Jews crying, H’ says to Moshe, “Why do you cry out to me, speak to the children of Israel and journey.” Sometimes you have to do stuff. Stop talking. Stop praying and do stuff. Turn to Shimon and say, "Stop coughing already." Stop praying for Merv to stop telling you jokes. Tell him, "We've already heard the joke about the priest. We didn't like it. We're not going to like it now." Let the sisterhood know you don't want dried figs at Kiddish, just because Tu BShvat is coming up. Sometimes you have to do... Your prayers aren’t answered because you sing bad. Your harmony is off. Sometimes we have to depend on ourselves. Which is hard with our shul board... First you have to do something and fire the board. Hishtadlus. Gd steps in when you don't have a shul board... Because they will ruin it. They ruin everything. Rashi’s first teaching is that Moshe was praying at this moment. H’ is saying when Israel is in distress, it’s not the time for lengthy prayer. Between us. It's easier to pray than to be out there fighting the war. It's also easier to pray than to be out there raising money and sending money and clothes to our brethren and sisteren in Israel... Shira. You do a great job praying. You've given nothing... Prayer is important. But we must act... You say one Tehillim Shira. Then you're off to the salon. You have a lot more time. The point is what you do with the sisterhood isn't helpful. Raising money for Israel to host a falafel night for the sisterhood does not help Israel... There are times for action. The food drive is not the kind of action we are talking about. We’re talking about helpful action... I took the steak... Homeless people don’t have fridges. They’re homeless. What are they going to do with steak?... Invite them to your home and cook it for them. In the meantime, I took the steak... Your actions are idol worship. A tree in the middle of the shul?! It’s like you want to turn our shul into Rockefeller Center. Last year you asked for an ice skating rink around the Bima... Idol worship. Every one of you... Pickleball with a heretic is idol worship. Be it Mark or the shul president... Mark's dues make him a Tzadik. He pays dues. So, we like him. But you shouldn't look up to him... Dues are different. Dues are Teshuva. Repentance... Actions affect us even if we don't know how. How the board can be so annoying. I don't know. It just is. How does healthy food make you fat? I don’t know. I just know Shlomo and Hana put on thirty pounds last Tu BShvat. Dried fruit and nuts. The Tu BShvat Seder did it... Dried fruit will make you fat. SO2 keeps it in you longer. The sulfur dioxide just keeps the fat there... Other stuff also puts weight on you. Your Nishama Yeteira, the extra Shabbat soul, should not be there all week... Ms. Melsowitz. You have four Nishama Yeteiras. I suggest you get rid of three of them. You only need one extra soul. It's action. We pray for positive action... Is Tu BShvat Seder positive? Good religious Jews don’t care about the environment. When you have fifteen kids, you use plastic... I didn’t say to not pray. Sometimes action is needed. H’ will do His part. But you have to stop complaining. Shimon. You don't deserve an Aliyah this week... Do something positive with your lives and Gd might help. Maybe pay your dues and the shul will have a better Kiddish and a fixed leak. You come and pray for it. How about you pay for it... And you all complain about dried fruit hurting your stomachs. Always complaining, like the Jews being chased by the Egyptians... (Shemot 14:12) “It’s better for us to serve Egypt than to die in the desert.” Well is it? Let's see. It's definitely not better to be the rabbi at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... They were willing to go back to Egypt and be slaves. Is that really living?! Sometimes you have to take a stand and say, “No. There will not be a tree in this shul. And I can't stand the Chazin. The president. And now the sisterhood is having perishable food drives for homeless people...” Are you really living if you’re not eating dried fruit?! If your fruit is fresh, is that living, or servitude?! And why dried fruit in the food drive? Are you trying to kill homeless people's stomachs?! This Shabbat Shira, before Tu BShvat, I just pray we can hear the beautiful sound of nature and not have to listen to congregants complaining. May we not hear the sounds of our congregation, or witness any of their actions... I fear the actions of our board. You mess up stuff. Maybe our congregation should just pray. Pray with no song... Just say the "Az Yashir." Rivka's Rundown Thank Gd it was Shabbat. Otherwise, the women would've brought out their hand drums. “You sound like a congregant” is a hurtful statement. I've heard them sing. The rabbi is sick of hearing the congregants complain. Yet, he says it's better than them singing. This is why he is also fine with them praying in spoken form. It was the only good falafel night we've had. I commend the sisterhood on that. Israel got no money from it. But we did feel Israeli solidarity with good falafel. I like to think that our eating falafel touched the hearts of our brothers and sisters in Israel. The rabbi took all perishable items. Including steak, salmon, and hamburgers somebody grilled and dropped off for the homeless. He took them home, put it in his freezer. As he said, "I haven't received a raise in five years. Two hundred dollars of ribeye is a start." It was the first time a food drive included cooked food in a home the homeless weren’t invited to. It was almost as helpful as our eating falafel was to Israel. It was the closest our shul ever came to a food kitchen. To quote the president of our sisterhood, “We don’t feed people in our food kitchen." Anything that seems like something they would do in Manhattan for Xmas, the board feels is a good design for our shul. It’s that whole HGTV thing. It’s good the rabbi banned HGTV watching. I also couldn’t stand listening to them and their 200k home renovation concepts on their 125k homes. Since our congregants stopped watching HGTV, they've been focusing on their cars. One put turning gold rims on their Ford Fusion. I believe the rabbi was teaching us that Mark's money is good if it is given for to the shul. Otherwise, forbidden. The rabbi's main lesson of Tu BShvat this year is that natural foods that are full of SO2 and sugar can also make you fat. The rabbi did make it clear that the Nishama Yetira can get heavy. That definitely helped bring down the amount of food consumption at Kiddish. All the heretics will definitely show up for the Tu BSHvat Seder. To quote our rabbi, "Only heretics keep Jewish traditions that connect the earth to Gd. The rest of the good Jews eat deli." "Come and pray for it. How about pay for it." That quote lost us half the membership. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Bo2/2/2025
Announcements
The rabbi banned watching HGTV. Home renovation TV shows are now forbidden. Too many congregants are renovating their homes and not paying dues. The rabbi says you can make a home look Jewish, even if it's not an open concept. The rabbi forbids open concept living. To quote the rabbi: “The only open concept Jews are allowed to work with is in the wilderness.” We want to wish a Mazel Tov to Yitzi’s mom. Best Anim Zemirot ever. Your son is a future Chazin. He is so much better than the other kids. Seeing Yitzi perform makes the Bar Mitzvah boys look like toddlers. There will be Layning lessons for kids over Bar Mitzvahed. Now that Yitzi is leading Anim Zemirot, it’s about time the fifteen-year-old, Mordy, learns to read the Torah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Renovate Your House Like a Jew and Clean For Pesach. How to Grow Up and Move Past Leading Adon Olam At Fifteen. Mastering Not Being an Eight-Year-Old, When You Are Fifteen. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 10:9) With the young and the old Moshe and Aharon want to take everybody to pray to H’. Including kids. That is what our congregants do. Make a lot of noise during Davening and have their kids run around. Paroh sees the problem. Because he has Kavanah when he prays... Moshe wanted the kids to pray properly and sacrifice right. He wanted them to join in the service to H' and keep quiet. Not like Moishie. And why is Moishie in for the sermon?!... Moshe would've kicked out Moishie for the sermon. (Shemot 10:24) After the plague of darkness, Paroh says that the kids can go and pray with them. “Only flock and cattle shall remain behind”... Kids get scared in the dark. Paroh didn’t want them around anymore. The new window renovations have added a plague of darkness to our sanctuary. That's what watching HGTV does... (Shemot 10:25-26) Moshe tells Paroh that the offerings come too. The people and the offerings. “And our livestock will also go with us,” Yous serve H’ with everything. You serve H’ with all you have, including livestock. But you keep kids out of shul... Because they add nothing. Absolutely nothing. And you pay your dues. Your dues are part of everything... And they even asked for vessels of silver and gold from the Egyptians (Shemot 11:3). When it comes to serving Gd, it’s everything. Which makes me ask why we are still using plastic utensils at Kiddish... The environment is important to H' too... You serve H’ with your home... Not an open concept. Your home looks like a plague hit. From one room, you can see the mess of the whole house... No more renovations. Focus on your home being tidy and clean. No more renovations. Open concept is Asur... It’s not Tzanua. You need closed rooms... Hachnasat Orchin, having guests is important. A closed concept and an open home... The Beit HaMikdash had chambers. Closed concept... There goes Bernie again. It would be great if the shul had a closed concept to members. You want to renovate? Give money to the Beit Midrash... Here’s a home renovation for the Finkelmans. Sefarim. Jewish books. A Jewish concept. Maybe make your house look a little Jewish... Buy Sefarim for the Beit Midrash. Learn about Mitzvot, not open concepts... Modern means no personality. Not Jewish. No Merv, Max or Bernie in your house. The shul needs a modern makeover of that sort... Yes. You out of the shul, Bernie... You don’t get a discount on dues. This isn’t taxes... And shul renovations stop now. It is too much. A waste of money... No open concept in the shul. It’s a Mechitzah. It has to be there... Pesach cleaning. That is renovations. Getting the dirt off the floor. Scrubbing a bit. Is Moishie still sitting here?!... Why has nobody moved Moishie?! He has parents... I think they would've been Eruv Rav. What do the kids in our shul add??? Other than Yitzi. Love that kid. The way he bangs the table. A star. You serve H’ with how you pray. And we want decent kids leading services. Moshe didn’t have messed up kids leading Anim Zemirot. Yitzi is so much better than all of your other kids in this shul... Yes. Esther. Yitzi is so much better than your son... And your son is fifteen. Can we get Yitzi up here... Moshe would've had Yitzi singing along with the services. Yitzi. You are our new Anim Zemiort kid. First time, and you didn't ruin it... You didn't have to hit it out of the park. After hearing some of the other kids in our shul, you just had to not ruin the prayer for us... Fast and loud. When you reach Bar Mitzvah, we're firing the Chazin. And you outshined the kid you were doing it with. He just has it. Finally, a decent Anim Zemirot leader... May we all share in redemption. A redemption where we have a decent Chazin and Mordy doesn't lead in Anim Zemirot. A redemption where the sisterhood doesn't do any renovations on the shul... A redemption with beautiful singing with a closed concept to harmony by our congregants. Amen! Rivka's Rundown Truth is the parents let the kids do whatever they want in the shul. The rabbi is right. They probably would've left our youth in Egypt. The fact that Moishie was in the sermon sitting on the Bima the whole sermon was normal for our congregants. The rabbi telling everybody the environment is important had many of our members questioning their childhood, and if Sukkot and Pesach with thirty guests was allowed according to Jewish law, with the caused plastic utensil landfill. After the sermon, congregants wrote letters of protest to HGTV. Many said they were anti-Semites because their renovations are too expensive. One congregant told them that not one renovation included a Shabbis Lichter (candelabra). Some even wrote their senators. Some people went fully open concept. Had glass walls for bedrooms. Open concept has gone too far. And they all want it to look new. Warmth. No warmth in any house. They get rid of everything beautiful in a house and make it modern. Which means white and not lived in. I think the goal is germ free. For everything to look like a hospital. That’s modern. And they are so excited. “Our house feels like the hospital surgical unit. No personality. Perfectly reflects us.” And HGTV is so happy to take all the personality out. That’s what they do as designers. One of them saw a hospital and said, "We should have scalpels in every home." Hence, they have utensil drawers in the kitchen. Love how the rabbi equated Yitziat Mitzrayim and the desert with open concept, telling everybody that nobody liked the Jewish concept of living in the wilderness. If people had cleaner homes, they would look good. If our members mowed their lawns. Instead, they want to just break it all down. The rabbi went off on how great Yitzi is for a good half hour. More correctly, he let all the other kids know they’re not as good as Yitzi. And how their parents’ renovations are only there in hopes that their children will leave the house. Yitzi truly is good. He's already banging on the table and tapping his feet. Other kids stopped showing up. They can’t compete. I think those classes for the pathetic fifteen-year-olds still leading in Anim Zemirot were for Mordy. When you're fifteen, learn how to lead regular services. I agree. It's pathetic. It's messed up. They get stuck mastering Anim Zemirot and they want to do it for the rest of their lives. Bernie still jumps up for Anim Zemirot every once in a while. He's ninety something. Still can't Layn. The Chazin started looking for a new job after the sermon. He saw how good Yitzi was with his foot tapping. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaEra1/26/2025
Announcements
Congregants should not be scared of the terrorist prisoner release. Our shul has dealt with college students for the past few years. We understand ceasefires are a scary thing. But know you’ve already lived through college students. The rabbi says moving to Israel is the right thing to do. To quote our rabbi: “Moving to Israel and selling your house ensures you are not in Topeka. You already haven’t paid your dues.” The Gabai is allowed to give Haftorah to whomever he would like. It is part of the services. Even if you are usually at Kiddish club getting drunk during the Haftorah, it’s still part of the services. The rabbi can give it to you. And you will have to read not under the influence. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Fight Off College Students Without the Help of Tzahal. You Moving to Israel: How to Bring Shalom to Our Shul. Why Leaving Services to Get Drunk Might Not Be the Right Thing to Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are all affected by our previous actions. Which is why the members of this congregation are so messed up. Previous actions is also the reason we are still having the Walk for Our Elders in the Snow Fundraiser... It’s freezing and last year three of our senior citizens caught pneumonia. But dumb decisions lead to dumb decisions and that is why we have our board... (Shemot 7:3) Gd says, “And I will harden Paroh’s heart.” Everybody is always worried "but Paroh didn't have free will." Nobody cares about the fact he was whipping Jews. He was murdering little babies, but you're worried about Paroh's mental well-being. Paroh needs a safe space to express himself. If that means murdering Jewish babies... Does H’ really harden Paroh’s heart. The commentaries teach that it’s habit. It’s habit that causes us not to change. It’s habit that makes us evil. We get used to something and at that point, our hearts are hardened. And then you have our board... Congregants give up. No need for me to go into detail about how none of our members help the elderly anymore... H’ does that final action. He’s there to aid us in our stupid... You guys go out to drink. You’re used to it. You come to shul to drink. Most come to Daven. You come to drink. Because that's your habit. Your free will that turned into a fixed state of drunkenness... You should participate in the services. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah so he could participate... First time you didn’t get drunk at services since your Bar Mitzvah... That’s what Haftorahs do. They keep you from the Kiddish Club and sober for Musaf... First time you've read Haftorah not under the influence, and you still made mistakes... Your family was definitely drinking at your Bar Mitzvah. Having to listen to you reading up there. Let's talk about the Kiddish Club for a second. The club with all the hardened hearts of the fools.... That's what alcohol does. It brings out the fools. What kind of club is it? What's the goal of the club? To get you drunk for Musaf. The Freemasons are looking to build a better future. The Kiddish Club is there to get out of prayers and come back in a way that lets your kids down... Yonatan. Your children are going to show up to shul and have flashbacks to Musaf with drunk dad puking on them. You're the only club that makes it a point to not help. Even the sisterhood does more than you. The point of the club is to get out of Davening... That’s the right of the Levis and Cohens. They can leave services to wash hands... I know some of them don’t come back. But at least they leave for the right reasons... Our congregants leaving is a good thing. Which is why you should move to Israel. All Kiddish Club members should move to Israel. Moving to Israel is the right thing. Yishuv HaAretz... Yishuv HaAretz has nothing to do with a huge hotel breakfast... When you move there, you can’t afford the huge breakfast. Unless at the Dead Sea. It's cheaper there for some reason. The huge breakfast is for tourists. They call it the Israeli breakfast, because tourists who visit Israelis can afford it. You should move to Israel... Jobs?! H’ provides in Israel... H' hardens the hearts of the Kiddish Club and provides in Israel. What do you do here that’s helpful... You make money, but you’re not helpful. It’s safe in Israel. I’m sending you to the Jewish homeland. With terrorists right there... Well. We have college students here. Being scared is a habit. No matter what the habit, you get stuck there. It's a habit and your heart is stuck. If it's drinking, killing people, or not moving from Topeka. You're scared, because you're stuck... You even wrote to Bibi to send soldiers to our shul to help fight off students. Some of these college campuses are full of terrorists... Students. Terrorists. Activists. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. At least you can see the face of the terrorists... I’m not scared to move to Israel. I’ve had to deal with the congregants already... Your heart has been hardened to Aliyah. To moving to Israel... Moshe had a hard time and was scared. He didn’t know how to lead. How to speak up. Kind of like the president of our shul. But he was self-aware... Maybe he didn’t have a Jewish day school education. Egyptian public schools do not make orators. Again. Moshe expresses his worry and tells H’ (Shemot 6:30) “I have sealed lips, so how will Paroh obey me.” If you can't talk, who will listen?... I know you don't listen to my Dvar Torahs, Bernie. I get it... His lips were hardened. Again, habit. A habit that wouldn't be a bad thing if Bernie adopted it. How do we get out of this rut? How do we change our habits of being a congregant and drunk? How does one not be scared anymore? How do unharden the heart of the board? How do congregants move to Israel? (Shemot 7:1) H’ tells Moshe, “See. I have made you a master to Paroh, and Aharon, your brother. will be your spokesman...” The Kiddish Club just can't stop talking. That's not a help. H' is telling Moshe that the way to get out of this habit is to know that there are others to help. There is Aharon there to help him change his habit. His worry. His fear. And I have a fear that old people walking in the frozen snow is not healthy... We have to depend on others sometimes. His brother. Right there. Right in front of him. That is the one who is there to help. And Moshe couldn't see that. The same way the board can't see that the programming in this shul is messed up, and that the shul would be better if most of the congregants moved to Israel... With the help of his brother, he was able to be a master. Once he looked outside of himself, he was able to have belief. When I look outside of this congregations, the world is beautiful... In order to deal with our demons. Our habits of destruction, we have to just look outside ourselves for that help. Then maybe you will leave this shul and move to Israel. And stop your habits of Davening drunk. If Paroh would've just seen outside his desire for power and hatred of Jews... Why are you still worried about Paroh not having free choice. Maybe we can work together and stop the habit of killing babies... May all the hostages and their families be comforted, and have strength and Bracha... You say you need to drink. Don’t look to Merv for help. His jokes will have you wanting to drink more. Look to Sadie. The only decent one in this shul. She will help our people. She'll stop you from talking... If the congregation just didn't talk... Rivka's Rundown The elderly winter walk is not smart. To quote the rabbi, "Almost as dumb as our shul's president." Should've done that program in the summer, when our seniors can go outside without thirty layers. For the walk last year, there was a heater truck moving really slowly in front of the walk for elders. The truck turned all the snow on the sidewalk into slush. It ripped up the city park's grass. And everybody came out of it feeling sicker, due to wet feet turned frostbitten. Why the seniors had to do the walk for elder's health in minus five-degree weather still has me questioning. The rabbi likened the worry for Paroh to the whole Gaza thing. How these people are trying to kill us, and everybody is worried about their living situation. Got to worry about the terrorists and how they were "raised to hate Jews. It's not their fault." I’m worried for our brethren. How about they don't try to kill us. I think that's an idea. Some congregants came to the rabbi and said, "Well, Hamas and the Gazans. Gd hardened their heart. It's not their fault." The rabbi told them, "You're fools." I believe that was his simple response. What the rabbi was teaching is that evil is built up until all of their choices are evil. Or to be more exact, and all of their choices are "we hate Jews. Like the president of our shul." I still think he's looking for a raise. Fact is that they’re everywhere. I’ve never been so scared of a ceasefire. It seems that ceasefire means terrorists our on the streets. It always seems like there's more danger when we put down our weapons. The fact we survived college students is very empowering. The rabbi wrote a letter regarding the ceasefire. Very uninspiring. He said nothing. He just wrote, “It should be for Bracha.” Absolutely nothing. And nobody was mad, or comforted. He says "Bracha" and everybody loves him. You can be deathly ill and he'll say, "It should be for Bracha." It sounds good. Almost as good as saying "Mazel Tov." Maybe he should've wrote, "Mazel Tov." That would've been a good response to the release of terrorists. A celebratory reaction. The move to Israel didn't happen. Once they realized the jobs don't pay as much, they decided it wasn't a Jewish value or Mitzvah to go to Israel. "Hearts hardened to moving to Israel." Brilliant. The rabbi likened the congregants to Paroh. Love it. Why the rabbi hasn't moved to Israel is still a question. He brings up moving all the time, and he hates the shul. The rabbi just wanted to get rid of the congregants. They could’ve moved to Costa Rica. Anywhere outside of America. That was a huge dis. That line about the sisterhood doing more than the Kiddish Club. That stings. There is a line you don't cross, and that is telling somebody that the sisterhood does more than them. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah. A dirty trick. Kept him in shul for the Haftorah. Sneaky and mean. The guy missed the Kiddish Club. He went through all of Musaf without a buzz. I've never seen somebody shake so much during the Musaf Amidah. I think Yonatan was going through withdrawal during the prayer. Reading the Haftorah is not easy. It's like a test for these guys. It brings back harsh memories of being in middle school and having to read in front of the class. The why leaving shul to get drunk might not be the right thing class was not understood. There were many questions asked to the rabbi, in the form of "I don't understand." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemot1/19/2025
Announcements
If anybody would like to volunteer at the dairy farm in our shul’s parking lot, that is appreciated. The rabbi said his position is better spent teaching Gemara classes than milking cows. Though, he wants to make it clear that he appreciates cattle more than the membership. Everybody in the shul has a cold. So, no complaining if somebody got you sick, even if they’re not wearing a mask. To quote the rabbi: "The mask does not keep the congregants from talking." This Purim, we ask that people wear masks that cover the eyes as well as the mouth. We would like to not see your full face. We will not be providing protein shakes at Kiddish. The rabbi says they are not Jewish and thus forbidden from shul events. To quote the rabbi: “Jews don’t shake drinks. Jews stir.” Contemporary Halacha Classes: Farming to Keep in Shape: An Idea that Won’t Get People to Volunteer. Wearing a Mask that Keeps People Safe from Hearing You Talk. How to Drink Alcohol with Protein in It, As a Jew: Something Called Schnapps. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:12) Upon seeing an Egyptian hitting a Jew, Moshe “turned this way and that way and saw there was no man. So he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand”... Before killing somebody, you definitely want to check. Unlike Tim, who goes right up to the video camera like he's performing for surveillance... Discreet. Very discreet Tim. You weren't at Minyin, we all know. The camera caught you... No man. Means no action. Like our shul. Nobody helps with Kiddish. Nobody helps with Minyin. Nobody keeps the little ones from crawling around my feet in the middle of services. He noticed that nobody was willing to take a stand. What’s a man?... Very good. None of the people sitting in the back left of the shul... (Shemot 2:13-14) Two Jews are fighting, and Moshe said to the “wicked one, ‘Why would you hit your fellow?’” He thus replies, “Who appointed you the chief and judge over us? Are you going to kill us, like you killed the Egyptian?”... I'm the rabbi. That's why I give sermons, Bernie. When there is no man amongst your people, it leads to moral decay and false blame. It leads to board meetings. When weak people spread the word about something, you must run. Which is why nobody showed up to the Secret Hannukah Harry Event... It's too similar to Secret Santa. No identity. Weak. Our board makes weak committees of people that want to kill Jews... If they were men, they would’ve went with Moshe and they would’ve been freed. They would’ve stood up to the real enemy. Egypt, or the board. Not to Moshe, who was protecting them... They were slaves. They were weak. Weak people justify. They throw blame. Moshe knew he had to run from that. As I should run from this shul... Our shul has no men... Why I haven’t run is the question. No men. No action here. And then you blame when something is right. Unmanly men... What is a manly man?! Not Simcha. Well. There is a reason for the farm. Work. Men work. They give of themselves. You don’t volunteer... Exactly. If you want a parking spot, you have to volunteer to move a cow. And so much hatred, due to this lack of manhood in our community. So much non-mask hatred. Sinat Mask. If your mask stopped you from talking, I would be in total support of it. I would agree that not wearing you mask causes hatred... Stop complaining about the no-masks making you sick. You come to shul, expect to get sick. Every time I see the members of our shul, I get sick... You get your protein from choolante... Choolante has protein. A lot of fat, a lot of carbohydrates and protein. The way Nachum doesn’t share the meat, he’s getting protein out of the choolante. That's a manly thing to do... Manly men don't share choolante. When it comes to choolante, justice is different... Protein shakes are Asur. Religious Jews get their protein from fat... If it was schnapps with protein there might be a reason for Jews to drink it. In Midian, Moshe has a child. (Shemot 2:22) Moshe calls his child Gershom, saying, “I was a stranger in a foreign land.” He was a wanderer, but he found a wife and he had a family. So, he called his kid "Foreign land." At home we call our kid "We want to leave this community." Moshe was a man because he realized he was in a foreign land. He was honest. And I can't stand the men in the back left of the shul... Once you realize you're a foreigner, a stranger in a strange land, you can approach it. You can deal with it. You can be strong. Your morality is not based on the influence of congregants. You understand that you're dealing with a board of heretics. You understand that nobody is going to help you, especially membership. You can finally accept that these people consider themselves Jews, even if they think that you need more protein than choolante provides... The Jews did not see that they were different. They didn't have that identity of empowerment. They saw themselves as abused. Once they started crying, Gd remembers their difference. He remembers His covenant, His Brit with Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov (Shemot 2:23-24)... It's at that moment that H' rescues them. The people of strength, who accepted their difference. Men of action who stood up for morality. Unlike the board, who doesn't even volunteer... I would appreciate it if the board stops quoting me in the announcements and blaming me for everything nasty they say. Be men, be strong, and take the blame. The board should quote the rabbi as saying, "He wants the board to run from the shul." Rivka's Rundown Good call on not a man. The congregants do nothing. There wasn’t even a man to help build the shul’s Sukkah this year. They had to hire a handyman. “Man” is in the name of the guy we had to hire. There's no such thing as a handycongregant. Nobody would hire that. “Not Simcha.” The rabbi is so true and concise with his brilliance. The rabbi truly lives by his word. He said everybody should be a farmer. Now he has shul shifts for the parking lot dairy farm. It’s amazing how our congregants are more interested in the dairy farm than visiting the sick. A shul food kitchen for the poor would never happen. They would rather milk a cow than feed dairy to the needy. Inviting those people for Pesach is too much already. The rabbi was able to get around angry congregants who said it was rude for him to say that he likes cattle more than them, by saying, "I love animals." You can get away with anything if it's for the animals. The rabbi even got rid of some congregants saying, "There's more of a chance that a bull will pay dues than the Finkelmans." They still make such a big deal about the mask. They don’t stay home. They go out and wear the mask in protest of healthy people. It was messed up when Purim a few years back everybody showed up to shul in masks that only covered the mouth. My kids are still in shock from the experience. They sometimes have flashbacks to having to see the rest of the members' faces. The rabbi ordained protein shakes are forbidden. Other things the rabbi forbade were going to a gym with people who are in shape. He said, "If they're in shape, they're not eating the right protein." He also forbade meetings. He called those "a waste of time, Bitul Zman, especially when the president of the board is there." Milking cows and then not washing your hands before praying was on the Asur list as well. Masks must be worn over the mouth that stop members from talking was ordained. And the rabbi did say that there are times where you can't kill people and bury them in the sand, even if they're on the board. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYechi1/12/2025
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We are going to celebrate Michael’s first birthday. His parents gave us nothing for his Bris, other than bagels and butter. For his first birthday, as it is not a Jewish event and thus a Heimishtein Simcha, they will serve pizza, ice cream, salmon, lox, bagels. A full bar of schnapps will also be had. The fast is over Friday evening with Shabbat. If you made it till Shabbat, you don’t have to worry anymore about not eating. If you are at the Pitzkowitz home for Shabbis dinner, you may still be fasting till Shabbat morning, due to their Kugel recipe. It's disgusting. We want to welcome everybody back from their Chanukah vacation they took this week, as it is not Chanukah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Simcha with No Lox. Celebrating At the Wrong Time and How to Show Up to Everything Late, Like Our President. What a Kugel Should Not Look Like with Mrs. Pitzkowitz. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why do people get stuff? Well let me tell you, Bernie. It’s because they work for it. Unlike Sam, who got an Aliyah, who has never worked on a farm before... Our congregants should be farmers before we give them anything. Or at least they should show up to Minyin... (Bereishit 48:19) Upon putting his right hand on Ephraim, Yaakov tells Yosef that Ephraim will be greater. Yosef wanted the right hand on Menashe, the older son. Yaakov tells Yosef, “I know my son. I know.” Kind of like I have to tell the board all the time... Why do we need a Kosher kitchen? Because a Kosher kitchen has to be Kosher. I have to constantly say, “I know. I have Smicha. I have rabbinic ordination. I know.” "I know you think you're important because you're on a board. I know. I know you know nothing. I know you like wasting my time. I know. I know you haven't given me a raise in three years. I know." Yaakov knows Menashe is the firstborn. But he also knows Ephraim is destined for greatness. Haamek Davar explains that this is not because of the blessing. The blessing is there to aide. It’s because Ephraim learned with him. If any of you learned a little Torah every once in a while. If any of you ever got a decent job, maybe... (Rashi 48:1) The reason Yaakov is able to speak to Yosef immediately is because Ephraim was with him learning... When you're in the right place, things move fast. When you're not at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Unlike with the board, where everything moves so... Well, have you finished the December meeting yet?! It was Ephraim's accomplishments in Torah study that deserved him the blessing and brought about his greatness. The blessing is there to help carry out the mission. It’s the work. That is what brings the Bracha. The effort brings Bracha. It gives it a place to sit, not like in the back left, where everybody is talking during Davening. You can't even hear the Chazin back there. You can't hear any Brachas there... Because Shimon won't stop talking... We all want, but do we do? Do you farm?! (Bereishit 48:22) Yosef gets Shechem. Why does Yaakov give him more? Rashi says because he is working for Yaakov’s burial. So, Yaakov gives him land he will be buried in... Yosef is buried in Shechem. Why don’t you get anything? Because you don’t help. It’s the work. that brings the Bracha. I know this congregation doesn't work. I know. I haven't seen dues paid in twelve months. I know nobody here ever wants to help with the Chevra Kadisha. I know. Nobody here helps. Nobody learns. If you learned, you would understand you waste time... Learning isn't wasting time. Learning reminds you, you waste time... No. Not when you're learning... We would have blessing. Bracha. I know this shul is messed up. I know. You want. But you don't give. You don't work. It is all meaningless. No Brachas. It’s just Jewish events mean nothing to you... You should’ve had the lox at the Bris. Instead, you put down 5k on Michael’s first birthday party... No. He won’t remember it. The congregation will remember that the Bris had butter... We would’ve been blessed with a normal Bris. I know the families in this shul are messed up. I know. Asarah BTevet was a one day fast. Calm down. It's over. You're having flashbacks to a ten hour fast... I understand you ate at the Pitzkowitzs. I know it's hard. But it is over... Her Kugel is very hard. It would've been a blessing to have a normal Kugel that was soft. I know the congregants are crazy. I know. I won’t eat at the Pintzkowitz home. Not with sweet lokshen spinach Kugel. Who makes sweet spinach??? And then the pine nut olive oil and honey chumus??? If Mrs. Pintzkowitz learned to make a normal Kugel, there would be blessing... Again. It's about giving. It's about proper action. You don’t even do Chanukah vacation at the right time... It was the week after Chanukah. It should be January vacation. That’s what the Jewish school should call it. You have a preChanukah party and a postChanukah vacation. That is how you celebrate Chanukah... You do everything at the wrong time. Late. You do vacation late. You can’t even show up to Minyin on time. If you spent your holiday time correctly, we would’ve been blessed with a beautiful Chanukah. The kids would’ve got great Chanukah gifts. Instead, they got December gifts... Chanukah gifts are Chanukah gelt... Yes. Money made out of chocolate. That is how money should be made. Money made out of chocolate is a Bracha. I know everything this congregation does makes no sense. I know. I know this shul is messed up. I know. But if you work on cooking. If you work on practicing the holidays in the right time. If you work on birthdays for people who know it’s their birthday. People other than three-year-olds. If you work at getting rid of the board, we can be great. We can be deserving of a blessing, and extra land for a bigger parking lot... It would be a blessing if you could pay dues with chocolate. I agree. If you work on yourselves, we might be deserving of a blessing, to carry out the mission of practicing MItzvot correctly, and getting rid of Bernie... We should be blessed with the Bracha of getting rid of the board. If you learned Torah, you would deserve Bracha. If you just worked at stuff, you would deserve it. I know this will not happen. I know... We are only accepting farmers as congregants from now on. Rivka's Rundown I can’t tell you what farming has to do with an Aliyah to the Torah. Maybe if the farmer was learning twelve hours of Torah a day, the sermon would have made sense. The rabbi started a dairy farm in the shul's parking lot. I think the rabbi truly always wanted a petting zoo. He accidentally bought cows. He didn't realize they were too big for little kids to pet. The sermon was Paytonic. The rabbi wrote a piyut as he gave his sermon. The theme of "I know this congregation is messed up. I know," was beautiful. The Bracha was Yaakovesque. The rabbi even delivered it in acrostic form, which spelled out, "The congregants are is very annoying. Not a Bracha." The rabbi is right. We have to celebrate our Judaism more. It’s for this reason, I didn’t show up to Michael’s first birthday and I didn’t buy him a gift. I saved four hours and around a hundred eighty dollars. I wrote the rabbi how much I appreciated his sermon. And I paid part of my dues. Nobody worries about the destruction of Jerusalem on these fasts. They think about when they can eat again. And then they worry about when the next fast will be. The destruction of the Temple is truly mourned by our membership. They're all praying for a future redemption where they will be able to eat. The Pintzkowitzs are really into that sweet and sour thing. They have gone too far. They’ve been making spicy cheesecake. It’s disgusting. They put hot peppers in the cheesecake. They say it adds flavor. It adds messed up flavor. And then they serve the cheesecake as a main. They decided that since peppers are in it, it's not dessert. Our community uses the holidays for parties and vacations. They say, "It's a week before the holiday, we should celebrate it now." That’s why so many people don’t like Yom Kippur. There aren’t enough pre-Yom Kippur vacations and parties planned. The board is planning a pre-Yom Kippur Sinoff this year. To quote the president, "The idea is to get people to come to shul. They don't come for Yom Kippur anymore. They will come to shul to sin." It's all messed up. There is no blessing, because nobody works at anything. They said the bird in the shul was a Bracha. It was in the shul because nobody closed the window. Nobody lifted a hand to close the window. It would’ve been a blessing to have a shut window during the winter, with no animals flying around while I’m saying the Amidah. Tags:
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How do we know Balak didn’t pay? He had to Bil-am. You get it? Bilam. Bill him. If you say Bilam fast it sounds like bill him. That’s how we know there was no prophet. Another pun. Profit. Bilam was a prophet. Prophet. Profit. Brilliant. Do prophets make profit? I guess it depends on if they get paid. 
Mazel Tov. It’s a dog... I think it’s great when people give birth to dogs. They’re just not good on deciding what to order. I waited on line for a good ten minutes for that dog to make a decision as to what coffee it wanted. At some point, I decided to cut him.
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the 3 Weeks. So no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
7/6/2025
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