Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.

The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.'
To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.'

Tachnun Before Tisha BAv?
It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis.
Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur.

What Do We Do?
Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.'
But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi.
They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.

The Rabbi Explains
In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given.

Epilogue
For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av.

And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.'
And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back.

Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means.

The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.'
Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.'

The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' 
And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai.
Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. 

Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza.

Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful.
 
The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes.
A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month.
 
We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul.
 
No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim...
No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed...

Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house.
I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv...

Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis.
They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea.
My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place...
You're the reason for Tisha BAv...

We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah.
This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You.
No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.'

Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom.

We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition.
We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you...

Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi.
By the way. The rabbi loves grapes.

Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three.
There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.'
All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger.

That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie.

'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych.
Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers.

I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot.
Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about.
They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.'

Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations.
I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon.

It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv:

The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive.
The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain.
(Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy.
Let's see what else happened.

The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat.
I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller.

The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this.
I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes.

Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus.

Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times
The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us.
Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.'
It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!'
As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers.

Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim.
If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?!
At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea.
While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad.
There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. 
And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.
​
Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. 

As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened:

1) Moshe broke the Luchot.
He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 

2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons.
Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful.

3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy.
If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us.

4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 

5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple.
There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude.

There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart.
Truly. It's the Chutzpah.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to the joy of BBQs during the Nine Days, Tu BAv love and excitement of seeing your name on a Coke bottle in Hebrew, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how the only thing in Israel that excites him is a Coke bottle.

Tisha BAv is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. Many tragedies took place on this day, including the destruction of the Temples, due to our sins. Hence, on this day, we are awakened to repent as a people. As such, I worry about fasting.
What truly bothers me during this time of mourning is the idea of not being able to eat cream cheese and lox. Not even a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. After five hours of fasting, I'm not worried about the destruction of the Temples. I'm worried about starving. and even worse, losing weight.
This Tisha BAv, I don’t want you to be worried about not eating. I want to give you the tools to be focused on the destruction and how we can work towards the rebuilding of the next Temple. 
Today, we shall focus on pregaming the fast, and what to do afterwards.
 
Gorge Before the Fast
Eat a lot. This is the way to make it through a fast.
The tradition before Tisha BAv is to sit on the floor and to eat an egg and bread with ashes, to commemorate the destruction. I have never filled up on eggs and ashes. Thus, I have another meal before that, to commemorate the fear of eating an egg and bread, and the greater fear of not eating for a day. I also commomate chairs during that meal, by sitting on one.
You're not going to be eating for around twenty-five hours. I don’t know when starvation begins. I don’t know how much the body needs to survive. I do know that I love breakfast. You're going to be missing out on breakfast and lunch. There are snacks, such as Snickers and Chex party mix, and fruit pies. You'll be missing those. I love that Chex party mix with the pretzels. It’s like a salty non-cereal cereal. Amazing. I might even be missing out on a nice peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Thinking about not eating, that all seems so much tastier.
Eat it all before the fast. You don’t want to miss out on any meal because the Temple was destroyed. The pre-fast meal should be a full day’s worth of snack, pasta, cereal, pastry and whatever else causes a headache. That or sitting on the floor with an egg and ashes. I'm not going to judge. 
I am not knocking ashes. They just don’t fill me up. Ashes are not a staple in my diet. However, they are an excellent condiment.

Gorge After the Fast
The two pillars of the Jewish fast: gorging before and gorging after.
The goal of the fast is to put on weight. The gorging after technique allows you to catch up on any accidental loss of poundage. Allowing you to continue in your goal of being a good Jew. 
The post fast meal should consist of eggs, cream cheese and bagels. You should also fill up on all dairy products you missed when gorging before the fast. Eat quiches, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, blintzes and anything else you ate on Shavuot. Be sure to also have cheesecake. Remember, you're making up for all the food you did not eat that day. And that includes everything. 
The Temples were destroyed. We want to bookend that with food. Otherwise, there's no way you'll enjoy the commemorating the destruction.
Don’t let the fast day be the reason you don’t repent and become thin. I don’t know if kids are still starving in Japan, but we should think about them and eat. That is what my mother and Weird Al taught me.

It's about being a good Jew. Being heavy shows that you ate when your parents told you to, and that you have kept the mitzvah of delighting in the holidays and Shabbat. Everything else is commentary. That is what I say when people ask me to give over the whole Torah to them, on one leg.
The main idea is to not lose weight when you fast. Don't worry about the Temple. Just make sure you eat enough before and after the fast. ​It's that feeling of full that will initiate the building of the Third Temple.

Next time, we'll talk about different methods of not going hungry during the fast, and how to plan being sick, or your pregnancy, so you can eat. There is a lot more to learn. This Tisha BAv, focus on the Before and After Method.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to expensive Shabbat food during the week, another great Jewish board game, and some of Jerusalem in commemoration of the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he writes notes at the Kotel, and then crumples them up.

The Three Weeks are upon us, and we learn the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason. We must hate people basefully. And we have hated many this year, with good reason. They are annoying, and they deserve to be hated. This past year, I have found more annoying people to hate, and they all show up to shul. They're all part of the community.
In the vein of the Three Weeks, join me on this year's journey of finding ways to not hate these people at shul. Hopefully, they'll stop, and we'll have peace. In the meantime, let's work on justifying their behavior, in hopes that we will be able to hate them a bit less by understanding them. 
  
Huge Plate of Desserts, Loaded At Buffet
Oh. That's where it all went. Yes. I'm resentful. They took it all. Yes. There's no more mousse for you.
You must understand. They're thinking about the rest of their table. They're loading up for all the other people at their table, who don't realize they can get up and pick out their own Danish. That's what they told me, when I saw the huge pile of rugulach and a plastic bag in their pocket. 'It's for the table.' 
And why should their friends have to get up to pick out their food? You don't put on weight like that. What would be the point of the buffet then? 
This is why you don't spend Pesach at a hotel, with the community. Forget about Bar Mitzvahs. At Simchas, I don't even try to get the chocolate balls on a stick. One table has them all.
 
Their Siddur in Your Neck at Shul
They didn’t think that putting the prayer book on your chair would be felt by you, when you sat. Sticking the hardcover into your neck. Flipping the pages and your hair. Pushing the Siddur forward and back while they sway.
Why they leave it there, after you give a half-back-neck-turn look is beyond me. The half-back-neck-turn look is a clear admonition. They must have a reason for not caring about you.
For Shalom, peace amongst Jews, I once took the Siddur and smacked them. Education. People hated them less after I smacked them with their Siddur. I do what I can to bring Shalom.
 
Inching Their Plastic Chair Back in Shul
The shul is too poor to afford space and decent chairs.
There's no other way to make room for yourself. They have to push their chair into you, to make room for their Amidah (silent prayer). There isn't enough room for everybody to take three steps back in the section. Do you want them spending half hour piling up the chairs? Do you want to have to be part of an interior design team, figuring out building plans in the middle of prayers, so that the whole section can do the Amidah? 
As long as it's subtle, they're giving you a chance to not assume that they're moving their chair into you.
 
People that Still Get on My Back About COVID
I am sorry if I can't not shake people's hands and hug them. I am sorry if I still can't figure out what six feet is. I am sorry if you have to see my face. I hope that doesn't make me evil. But you've really got to calm down. You're making shul a really annoying place to be, with no membership. You can't get a Minyin if people aren't allowed to come. I'm not a scholar, but I figured that out myself.
You have to understand them. Maybe they're worried that you might be a republican.  

People Who Don't Share Your Political Views
Without them, you couldn't hate anybody. Without them, you couldn't call anybody a fool. Without them, you'd have nothing to post. These are people you should love. 
 
People Who Say ‘I am Offended’
Everybody in shul is offended now. See 'People Who Don't Share Your Political Views.'
I think I offended everybody this year. They were offended by my political beliefs, even though I didn't share my views. Something about the way I look says that I disagree with stupid. And that offends people.
Maybe they weren't educated. Wouldn't you be offended if you tried sharing a thought that made no sense? Wouldn't you be offended if you sponsored a Kiddish and David came to tell you that you shouldn't have purchased eight pounds of Kichel?

Doesn’t Move Away from the Kiddush Table
If they moved away from the table, then you might get to the choolante too. ​You would do the same thing if you got the spot.
 
Any Member of the Community
Hate them. You're going to hate them. Just find a decent reason, so it's not baseless. Maybe they were called up to open the ark, when you should've been. That's a reason to hate. As long as you're at shul, you're trying.

Person Screaming at the Person Reading the Torah
Maybe if the guy gets yelled at and reprimanded, he will prepare more next time. More people should be screaming at the Torah readers.

Guy Messing Up the Torah Reading
Pelt him.
Sorry. I can't find it in me to love him. He's slowing down the services and more time in shul causes more hatred. This is probably what happened at the end of the Second Temple period. The Levites were adding on songs, people were spending extra hours at the sacrifices, and fights broke out because the Gabai messed up whose lamb should be next.

Woman with Huge Hats at Shul
Maybe she's worried about the sun coming inside.

It's hard to not hate these people. I'm trying real hard. And there are more people to hate. It might be jealousy of the people with the huge plate of rugulach and Danish. And jealousy is also forbidden. But we must do what we can to not hate, even if we're stuck with the Kichel. 
Please know that all of these people deserve to be hated. They're the reason that we haven't witnessed the building of the Third Temple. Even so, let's do our part during this time of the Three Weeks, when we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Try not to hate them, so we can bring them closer to normal. Try. And remember, as long as your hatred is baseful, it's fine.
I am trying. I am trying to help bring redemption here. In the spirit of the Three Weeks and Shalom, may we witness a redemption without these annoying people.

*Written by Reb Mendelchem of Topeka to the acrostic of anger

We have been stuck in our homes.
Like a child who musteth see her parents every day.
​Woe. What has befallen us.
Woe to having to yell at your siblings.

We have had to hear people say 'During these times' for the past year and a half.
Woe. What has befallen this annoyance.

Minyin has dwindled.
Woe to those who love not going to shul.
Woe. What has happened to people using a pandemic to get out of services.
Woe to those who say that shuls are open. You're ruining people's lives. Shame.

Have not seen anybody's face. 
We thought we knew them. We were shocked.
Woe to those who think they know somebody else before their mask comes off.
Woe. What has befallen dating in 'these times.'
Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled.

Israel is closed again.
We have had to spend the last year and a half eating frozen falafel balls.
Woe. What has happened to all the restaurants I used to love.
Woe. Woe. Woe. 

Stimulus checks.
Woe to those who think going back to work is a good idea. 
Woe. What has befallen these fools who don't appreciate vacation.

​The most social day of the year is Tisha BAv.
Woe. What has befallen greeting people during these times.
Like a woman screaming at me for not wearing a mask.
Woe. What has befallen us.

We had to stay six feet away from everything.
Woe to those who don't know what six feet is.
Shame. Shame uponeth them. Castigation uponeth them. Shall they never shopeth again.

We have judged others who smile.
Woe to those who try to be friendly.
Shame. Shame uponeth them.

We have said 'Shalom' and been castigated.
Woe uponeth those who are friendly in 'these times.'

One should not greet on Tisha BAv.
Woe. The Second Temple was destroyed because people didn't get along.
​Woe. How does that work.
Woe to those who are not rude.
Woe beith the Tisha BAv that fits in with 'these times.'

Had to celebrate all Simchas outside.
Woe unto those who did notith put up tents.
Woe to rain at every event.
Woe. What has happened to warming of the earth.

We had to hear different ideas of what this pandemic is every day.
Woe. Why do people listen to their government.
Woe to anybody who tells me what to do. May they be six feeteth away so they don't get hurt.

Woe to any of my friends who told me that I was not keeping the laws of COVID correctly.
Woe unto those who keep the laws of COVID but don't keep Shabbat.
Woe. What has happened to people becoming very annoying.

Woe to those who have not beeneth vaccinated.
Let the wrath of the heavens poureth uponeth them. Lest they decide to go outside and be people.

The gym has been closed.
​That is my excuse.
Woe. What has happened to putting on weight when I am not eating.
I have barely eaten anything.
Woe. How does that happen.
Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled.

The closing of nursing facilities.
Woe to anyone who hugs a loved one over the age of 50.
Shame and wrath be uponeth them.

People who love their grandparents. Shame! Shame upon you!
Woe to all who feel grandparents are important.
Woe to all who thinketh they should not die.
Woe. What has happened to people caring. Shame be uponeth them.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened.
Woe to anybody who says that. May they be smacked and their mask removedeth from uponeth them.

Kids have been at home, learning less from school than Nickelodeon.
Schools open five days awake.
Who said that. Shameth. Shameth be uponeth them.

Double masking.
Woe. What has happened to not suffocating one's self.
Woe to our glasses that are notith fogging up.

CDC guidelines.
Woe. What are they and why do we careth.
Woe to my dentist who made me wear my mask. I still don't know how they got to my teeth.
Woe. How is a dentist to do their job when following CDC guidelines.

Zoom.
Woe. What has happened to people listening to what is going on.
Woe unto those who still use social media as an excuse to not show up to the Simcha.
Woe. What has happened to pants.
Woe to anybody who asks somebody else on a Zoom call if they have been vaccinated. You cannot ban them from social media too.

We have seen people who haven't shaved in months. 
Is Shloshim not thirty days. Have we notith passed the pandemic of masking.
Woe. What has happened to people shaving.
Woe. Woe. Woe. How much more must we mourn. 
Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled.

Woe. What has happened to being able to cough and not being looked at as evil.
Woe to those who sneezeth in public. 
Woe. Shame uponeth those who have allergies. Shame. Vaccinateth uponeth them.

A year of supermarkets being the only place we could goeth.
Woe. What has happenedeth to the local convenience store with the guy who sneezes.

We have sanitized everything.
Woe unto those who do not wipe down everything.
Shame. Shame. Shame to those who don't use Purell.
Woe. Why does Purell runeth our government.
Woe. Why does the person cleaning the shul never vacuum. 
Woe. Why doeseth the Siddur need to be sanitized daily.

Woe. What has happened to the washing of hands.
Woe. What has happened to our rituals.

Like a child who must listen to the same jokes about COVID and Zoom from every person they meet. 
It is because of our sins that our senseth of humor has been exiled.
Woe. What has befallen us during 'these times.'

I am told that hatred is wrong. Whether I agree with that or not isn't important. For the sake of Tisha BAv I will put my feelings aside.
The three week period prior to the destruction of the Temples is upon us and the rabbis tell us that the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. We must stop that. You need decent reason to hate. You don't just hate somebody because they're your neighbor. If they take your newspaper, then you hate them.
We don't need any more destruction. Hence, I would like to provide you with some ways to look at annoying people differently. We have to stop judging and start understanding. Along with hating people basefully, judging favorably can bring love and peace.
Here are some ways to understand the annoying. Do it this Tisha BAv for the sake of the redemption of the Jewish people:

People who Cut in Front of you in Line
How you should see it: They have something important to do. They have to get somewhere. Do you need to run more errands? Probably not. They do. And you're out there joy shop[ing for milk. Maybe they were there yesterday, and that was their spot beforehand. Maybe they left somebody in the car and you are saving a life. Maybe they are trying to finally have some human interaction and they are sick of having to be six feet away from you. So, they cut you in line, and are now six feet in front of you.
Who is really the selfish one here?! 

Store with a ‘Going Out of Business Sale’ Sign up for Two Years
This man has been struggling for over two years. Fighting through it all, while still having sales on all items. He is not lying. He is trying to go out of business, and because of his '50% off - we're closing tomorrow' sign, you're not letting him. Again, I ask, who is thinking about themself here?!

Middle Eastern People Scooping from the Collective Humus Platter with Their Pita & Hand
They are sharers. You're sitting at dinner together and they are bringing the bread braking to the next level. You're now scooping Humus together and they're cleaning the platter for you.

Server who is Not Smiling
They have too much business, and now you're going to order dinner too. You're very needy. Why are you not apologizing?

Guy who Smells Bad on Bus
He’s claustrophobic. He needs his own seat, and he’s prepared.

People Who Disagree With Your Political Views
You have to hate somebody. Who else are you going to call a racist?

People who Give You Unsolicited Advice
Maybe you didn't know that ‘drinking coffee’ can help wake you up. Sometimes you are on a diet, and other people do not realize it. That is why they say, ‘You are overweight.’ Here is somebody who is coming along for you, the single person, letting you know, ‘It is not good to be lonely.’ Advice is always good. Who else is going to note your flaws?

The Falafel Guy with Unclean Hands
That is where the taste is coming from. You should be thanking him. Without his hands, you would not taste the curry. That's where the curry taste truly comes from.

The Person who Shows up to Gym with Unlaundered Clothes
The clothes are going to get dirty anyways. Not everybody comes from your country, where Tide is a good smell.
They may also be claustrophobic. Why they don't clean the machine after they leave, I cannot answer.

Guy Who Puts his Leg in Your Chair on Plane or Bus
Who is to say, that is your chair? Why is it in front of that guy, if it's yours? Now they're asking what gives you the right to lean back, and to not sit at a ninety degree angle on the flight. 
​If their leg wasn't in your back, they would be less comfortable, and you wouldn't be sitting straight. It seems to me that you're being the selfish one here. And this guy's knee is helping your posture.

The Tall Person Sitting in Front of You at the Movie
Tall people should be allowed to watch movies too. You cannot ban them from the theater. It would be wrong to force them to sit in the back row. History shows us that some people would consider that discrimination. Taller people than you are a people too.

People Who Smoke in Public
They're sharing the cigarette benefits with you. You don't even have to bum one to get the smell on your clothes. Bumming cigarettes is annoying.

People Who Don’t Leave Messages and Expect You To Call Them Back
Everybody should assume they're important.

People Singing in Synagogue After the Prayer is Done
Everybody enjoys the lyrics ‘Nay Nay Nay.’ Our people have been singing that for centuries, even when nobody knew the prayers. ‘Nay Nay Nay’ are words of inspiration. The Beatles were inspired by those lyrics too. Without ‘Nay Nay Nay…’ ‘Hey Jude’ would've been over in two minutes.

People Who Play Guitar Around the Camp Fire
The guitar is made out of wood. See the positive.

People Who Look at You and Don't Say ‘Hello’
You think they are rude. They're just engaging you in a game of stare.

Your Neighbors Above You in the Apartment Building
They shouldn't be there. Being that they are there, we have to accept that your neighbors have to eat. I've complained to the landlord about neighbors having dinner. It doesn't work.
You may want them to stop chewing because you can hear that, along with their walking. Even so, they might choke, and then their coughing will wake you up.
Then I have to hear the mom telling them they have to chew eighteen times. It's hard to not hate these people.

Your Neighbors who Leave their Garbage Outside their Front Door
Why should their house smell? That is quite selfish of you. Maybe they will take it down to the garbage at some point, if you don’t. Always see the positive.

People Who Sit with Their Phone at Dinner
Your conversation as a family member is not interesting. Why should anybody have to sit down to dinner without their friends?! There might be an emergency in a teenager’s life. They might have a friend who just realized they are going to a movie. There might be a new game out. A guy might have said ‘Hi’ to a young girl. That's a life changer.

Children Who Leave Their Parents in Senior Citizens Home and Not Visiting
They already did their job. You are not going to get anything else out of them. Why should they have to have them around anymore?

Children Who Scream and Run Outside Your Door, While You Are Trying to Sleep
Running inside the home is excellent exercise. You're raising healthy children who enjoy keeping their parents up.
Most importantly, if you don’t allow them to run, one day, they might end up baselessly hating you and leave you in a senior citizens home.

Take these lessons for Tisha BAv. We understand that it may be hard to judge favorably the rest of the year. We're suggesting one day. Hate people after Tisha BAv. Let's make this a beautiful and giving Tisha BAv of love for all fellow people. After Tisha BAv you have till Yom Kippur to get mad at them again.