Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about the extra shwarma-sized toilet paper and people making money on Ben Yehuda in Israel, all while not supporting Chinuch education of children blowing Shofars they’re not buying, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his thoughts on why he can’t take off weight fast days, while eating.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about dogs drinking coffee, Siddur holders in the back of his neck at shul and how he is mad at Kibbutz Lavi carpentry, all while trying to figure out why all these Hamas supporters have COVID with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his new style for Tisha BAv with his Converse All-Stars and extremely ugly socks.

Announcements
It’s tradition to not greet people on Tisha BAv. The Markowitz family is very good at that. They have not said Hi to anybody since they moved to Topeka.
 
Some have the tradition to do a Taanit Dibur on Tisha BAv, where they don’t talk at all, throughout the fast. The rabbi is asking that Bernie adopts this tradition. To quote: “We might witness Geulah, redemption, if Bernie doesn’t talk.”
 
Our community needs a Kosher restaurant. If anybody knows anybody that can cook, let them know the community will support them. Anybody who wants to run a place. The rabbi says he can care less if the guy is proHamas. We need a restaurant. "We have nothing else to offer, other than a committee meeting. And that only draws Jews who like to bother the rabbi."
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Celebrate Tisha BAv and Feel Pain By Dealing with Our Congregants. How to Lose Every Jews In Your Town by Not Having a Place to Eat in Your City with Examples Given By Jews Who Won't Support Anything That is More Expensive Than Costco. How to Keep Silent So the Rabbi Can Give a Class- Lessons from Tisha BAv for Bernie.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
So. You all hear you can’t go into Israel. You are all going to die in the desert, because you take the idea of really good fruit and ruin it. You see ripe grapes and all the sudden, the people are going to kill you?! I have no idea how that works. It's like seeing a decent pastry at Kiddish and saying you're going to die because of the rugulach... The Jews are not going to Israel because of rugulach... You didn't trust H' because the rugulach was too good. And you got H’ angry. I can see it. This is why none of you have gone to Israel the last couple years. Good rugulach... And so, H' tells the Jews in the desert, they are going to die there. 

(Devarim 1:41) All the sudden they’re telling Moshe, “We sinned to H’. We will go up and fight.” They even got all the weapons. Suited up all the gear. They hear they're going to die and all the sudden they're a bunch of heroes who trust Gd.
Like the time I said the trip to Water World is off. You all got in your bathing suits. All you did was offend the shul. You don’t wear bathing suits in the sanctuary...

(Devarim 1:42) H’ then says, “Don’t go, because I am not with you.” It makes no difference what you do. If H’ isn’t with you. You can't go prancing around a water park if H' isn't with you...
Like fools, they went without H'. Just like the board deciding on this renovating the sanctuary. Do you think they were having meetings about renovating the altar in the Beit Hamidash... No. Exactly. They even got beaten up by the Amorites. Who gets beaten by the Amorites?!!!

(Devarim 1:45) “Then you returned and wept before H’ and H’ didn’t listen to your voice...” At a certain point, forgiveness just isn’t there. You just can't hear it. At a certain point it gets annoying listening to your ideas of chandeliers in the sanctuary from people who are about to go swimming... I can hear you, Bernie…

(Devarim 1:39) The kids that knew nothing at the time of the spies, they will go to Israel. The kids at our day school. They know nothing. Absolutely nothing. They don't even know Hebrew... It's called the Hebrew Day School, Ruchel!... Even though they're not very smart, we don't take it out on them...
And Yehoshua and Calev. The ones who trusted in H’. Yes. They go to Israel. Because they didn't listen to the people. Listening to you ruins lives. We see what it did to the kids who actually listened in class. Their damaged...

You can’t mess up and expect everything to always be good. You’re the reason for Tisha BAv... H’ is not with us.
You haven’t messed up Tisha BAv. You are good with that. You have not listened to H’ and you have done a good job of keeping Galut going...

It’s tradition to not greet on Tisha BAv.
The Markowitz family is very good at Tisha BAv. Since they moved here, and not said Hello to anybody, they’ve been preparing for Tisha BAv. They are also very good Shiva house guests... They don’t say Shalom either.
They see the rabbi and understand he is mourning, dealing with this congregation...
You're not supposed to greet people when visiting a Shiva house. The Mullins come to Shiva Houses like it's a party. Like the guy is running for mayor...

You see Bernie, you are talking. Taanit Dibur. It means a fast of words...
I would even be fine with you eating. If you didn’t talk, I would say you could eat on Tisha BAv. I would even cover your dues...
Our congregants should start the no talking fast before Tisha BAv. It might help bring redemption if you all stopped talking. Let’s stop talking now. How about we stop talking during my sermon?!
So much messing up. You can't backtrack sometimes. You can't make things good when you lost H'. When you have to pay twenty-thousand dollars to send your kids to Jewish summer camp...

We need food... When it's not Tisha BAv, we need food.
We need a restaurant. People leave this town because they can't forgive this community for not having a Kosher place to eat. You can't backtrack on not having decent food... Chuck E. Cheese is not Kosher. Even if Jews eat there...
How do you expect people to respect our community when there is nowhere to eat?! There are no Kosher restaurants... It's pathetic when going out means you’re going to Nachum Schwartz's for dinner. And even if makes a decent casserole, his house is not a restaurant...
The pop-up thing Michel did is not a restaurant... You can call it a restaurant for a night in Michel's living room. But I know what it was. It was eating in the guy's living room. And they charged us. Ganavim...
You are not a respectable Frum community without a shop. A pizza shop. A falafel shop... It has to be a shop.
A shop where the owner is happy taking Jewish money. Jew haters are fine taking Jewish money.
Anti-Semites are fine. We don't need a Jew running the shop. The last guy with the Kosher sushi complained all the time... I was fine with that guy closing. Every time I went in, he had a complaint for me... I'm the customer. I'm supposed to be the one complaining. I’m not going out to eat to deal with a congregant.
I understand why he was always mad. He rightfully complained. He was dealing with our community...
I am not saying Jews are cheap. I am saying you guys are impossible to run a business for. You don't support anything. You price compared everything with Kroger... Restaurants can charge more than a supermarket. The food preparation part costs. This is why the Jews were stuck in the desert. No support. Wanted everything handed to them. Like a free slice of pizza...

(Devarim 1:45) Moshe praises Israel for repenting, acknowledging their sin. But H’ had taken an oath already (Bamidbar 12:21-23). He wasn't going to change that.
Sometimes it's too late and we have to take the punishment. Repentance doesn't change things. It doesn't make for a better sanctuary with chandeliers or less complaining from every single one of you. Teshuva isn't going to get you a better deal on Jewish summer camp.
Whatever our punishment for not having decent food. Having a messed up a community. Having this Markowitz family that doesn’t say Hi. Having to listen to people even when we have a Taanit Dibur. At least repent. You may not be forgiven. But do Teshuva. The Jews that went with the spies didn’t see Israel. But at least they did their part in Teshuva.
Your children have hope... Because they're not you. And you paid twenty-thousand dollars to send them to camp. Even if you don’t see the Bait HaMikdash, your children might.

What we learn from our ancestors is Teshuva. You repent even things may not change... And we’re still not going to Water World. I saw you all in your bathing suits. Some things are not to be forgiven... Seeing you... You can't backtrack kids coming to shul and having to see the bathing suit debacle.
Let's not take it out on the kids that are spaced out and don't listen... They shouldn't go to the water park either, because they don't follow rules. That's dangerous...

Rivka's Rundown
It was horrific. I believe we need to wait till a healthier generation comes, to go back to Water World.

Everybody was truly happy the rabbi brought up the cost of Jewish summer camp. They felt like he was speaking out for them. The rabbi was just complaining about how much it costed him. Either way, it turns out that Jewish summer camps are the cause for Galut.

The rabbi has been going off on the Markowitzs the past couple weeks. I think he now appreciates the fact they don’t say Hi and he doesn’t have to talk to them. He wants more congregants that ignore him

The rabbi pushing for the Taanit Dibur had a few not talking at Kiddish. They at least made it a point to not go over to the rabbi. I believe they got the message. The rabbi thanked everybody for helping make his Tisha BAv a meaningful one, by staying away from him. He said that was his best Kiddish ever. He sat and ate herring, and nobody disturbed him. He just focused on balancing herring on the Kichel. As he says, "It has taken years to master this. I need to focus."
He didn’t have to give any advice. And four divorces happened this week. I believe it was because they didn't ask the rabbi for guidance. The rabbi usually advises them on how annoying they both are, and that they both have no chance of meeting anybody else, and they stay married.
The rabbi said he had nothing to do with the divorces, as he was enjoying the herring. We have the only rabbi that feels that divorce helps with redemption of our people. To quote, “I am fine with the divorces. As long as they don't bother me. I understand why nobody wants to be married to our congregants.”

The sushi owner complained because the community didn’t support his business. They said they wanted the place, but never ate there. It was the restaurant they "didn't go to." They thought as religious Jews there was a place they should go to. They didn't realize that joke was about shuls.
I think community support means coming in once every half year to buy the cheapest thing on the menu and to check it comes with a lot. And then to tell the owner how they can do it better.
The no kosher restaurant is a topic of conversation. It’s pathetic. The only town where Jews think it’s good to be a Jew with nowhere to eat. People visit and ask what Jews do. The answer, “We eat at home.” That’s how Jews go out. They eat at home. And the visitors want to know how we are all so heavy.
The rabbi was adamant about the shop. It has to be a shop. Restaurants should be shops.
The rabbi ended up getting a Hamas guy. He was fine. He said the guy is not in Israel, he can make good falafel. The Hamas guy scared everybody. He even put up a sign, “Our falafel is the bomb.” That scared the Jewish community. Great sense of humor. He uses Humus and Hamas interchangeably. "I put Hamas on your pita? HaHaHa."
Turns out the Hamas guy is a regular American college student. He started hating Jews a couple years ago, when he didn't have Donald Trump to protest anymore.
We got rid of the last caterer at our synagogue because he was a KKK member. The rabbi regrets that to this day. He said, "The best thing that can happen to the shul is to have more people that hate our members, other than me."

We truly lose people because of this restaurant thing. They travel to other cities to eat out and then they stay there. They stay in the restaurant. They rent beds in the restaurant. They get very excited when they see what possibilities are out there. Anything other than Topeka is exciting. Anything outside of Topeka, even a shop.

The keeping silent class was not successful. I've never seen so many questions thrown at the rabbi in one class. The rabbi thought his subtle message of not talking during the class would come out in the name "How to Keep Silent So the Rabbi Can Give a Class."

The Feast - Gittin 55b-56a
The Gemara says Yerushalayim was destroyed on account of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. Everybody likes to throw the blame on somebody else. Many said it was Bernie's fault. Bernie didn't like that. So, he threw the destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash on the Kamtzas. Those guys got blamed for everything. They even got blamed for the prune juice cistern fiasco prank of 36CE. 

This guy was having a large feast. He had a friend named Kamtza and an enemy named Bar Kamtza. Very confusing. It would've been much better if they had last names in those days. It's hard to remember last names like "Guy I Can't Stand." He didn't want Bar Kamtza Guy I Can't Stand at the party. Very long.
The host made a large feast and said to his servant: "Go. Bring me my friend Kamtza." The servant went and mistakenly brought him his enemy Bar Kamtza. 
He mumbled a lot. His servant was always getting things wrong because his boss never enunciated right. The servant was getting groceries... He once brought back carobs for dinner because his boss couldn’t open his mouth and enunciate “cabbage." Next thing you know, they're eating carob salad, choking on pits. The servant is getting reprimanded, "What can you cook with carobs? Idiot."
He should've known not to invite the enemy. But he thought his boss liked having over people he hated. Bar Kamtza had a way of ruining dinner parties. He did this really bad juggling act.

The host found Bar Kamtza sitting at the feast. The host said to Bar Kamtza, "You are my enemy. What then do you want here? Get out." This was the first time Bar Kamtza had ever received an invitation to come to a party to leave. And it was a fancy invitation too. The paper was rolled. Not even folded. And with a ribbon. He didn't read the invitation which said, "Please get out."
For a moment, the host thought Kamtza took off some weight. But then he noticed the juggling act and wanted Bar Kamtza out.
Bar Kamtza said to him, "Since I have already come, let me stay and I will give you money for whatever I eat and drink. Just do not embarrass me by sending me out." Apparently, being kicked out of a party was embarrassing two-thousand years ago too. Some things don't change, including bad juggling acts. The host said, "No, you must leave." Bar Kamtza suggested that he would give money for half of the feast. What kind of negotiation is that? The host insisted he leave. Bar Kamtza then said, "I will give you money for the entire feast, just let me stay." The host said, "No, you must leave." The host wanted him to pay for the dinner and a fully paid round trip vacation to Spain. He loved Barcelona. Great massages.
Finally, the host took Bar Kamtza by his hand, stood him up, and took him out. In front of everybody. Bar Kamtza was not good at getting hints, such as, "You must leave." Does that mean now? Does that mean when the party is over? Does that mean I can't sleep here?

The Aftermath of the Feast- Gittin 56a
After getting thrown out, Bar Kamtza said to himself, "Since the Sages were sitting there and didn't protest the host, though they saw how he humiliated me, I learn from it that they were content with what he did. I will therefore go and inform against them to the king." How he learned from the interaction to inform is because he was a good student. Many others wouldn't have learned that part from the sages. He said this to himself. He didn't start announcing, "I'm going to get you all exiled from Israel for two-thousand years because I got kicked out." Truth be told, he showed up to the party without a dish. Everybody knows, you show up to a party in Judea you bring some Baklava.
So he plots and tells the emperor that that the Jews have rebelled against him, and he can prove it by having the Romans send an offering and seeing if the Jews sacrifice it. The sacrificial plot. An ancient con move of trickery. Almost as successful as the Canaanite river hut plot. A well known con back in the year 2100BCE. 
On the way to the Temple Bar Kamtza made a blemish on the calf’s upper lip or eyelids. There are differing opinions as to what he blemished. Which caused more argument amongst Jews. Which led to more fights in the Beit Midrash. Oh. How we bring Galut.
Well. The blemish forbade it from being a sacrifice, and Bar Kamtza ruined a decent dinner. Again.

Even with the blemish the Sages thought to sacrifice the animal to maintain peace with the government. Gd or lower taxes?!
Rabbi Zecharya ben Avkolas said to them, "If the priests do that, people will say that blemished animals may be sacrificed as offerings on the altar." Always the by the books kind of guy. He was the worst accountant. Which is why he became a rabbi. He couldn't hold one customer. People always found themselves paying more and never getting a tax break.
The Sages thought to kill him so that he would not go and speak against them to the emperor. Some were thinking to kill Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes who had an issue with random murder.
Rabbi Zecharya said to them: If you kill him, people will say that one who makes a blemish on sacrificial animals is to be killed. The priests were all for it. To quote Brian the Low Priest, "That would've saved us a lot of time. I'm sick of checking."

They did nothing, and Bar bar Kamtza’s slander was accepted by the authorities, and consequently there was war with the Romans began. The Romans didn't know the laws of Lashon Hara. That you're not supposed to listen to slander. If they would've learned Hilchot Lashon Hara, we wouldn't be here now. Now would we. 
Rabbi Yohanan says: "The excessive humility of Rabbi Zekharya ben Avkolas destroyed our Temple, burned our Sanctuary, and exiled us from our land." And he finally got Rabbi Zecharya, the goody two shoes, back for not sharing his notes on the science quiz in eleventh grade.
 
The Conclusion- Gittin 57a
The Gemara cites a Braita. Rabbi Elazar says, "Come and see how great is the power of shame, for Gd assisted Bar Kamtza, who had been humiliated, and due to this humiliation and shame God destroyed God's Temple and burned God's Sanctuary." You get Gd mad and He destroys His stuff. 
Humiliation and shame is what destroyed our people. Which is why we have to stop playing football. Our people are not good at football. It's embarrassing.
Bar Kamtza's embarrassment is the reason for the destruction we go with. It helps kids get along better. It also helps them understand better why they're at summer camp in America. Suffering the Catskills, playing basketball and football. Having to go to the canteen.

Lessons of What Followed
Even after all of this story, I didn't get an invite to my friend's birthday party.

The real reason for the destruction of the Temple is the host never enunciated. This is what I tell the kids. And I do believe it was my nephew's Bar Mitzvah speech that keeps us in Galut.

Kamtza heard about himself in the story and he was mad that he got blamed for the destruction of the Temple. To quote, "I had nothing to do with it. That idiot didn't invite me to his party." The host, "his friend," claimed he made a mistake and threw the blame on his servant. Very like the host.
Kamtza continued by getting mad at his parents, "I told you not to name me Kamtza. That's my friend's dad's name."
You think Bar Kamtza was mad. Kamtza ended up letting his dog pooh on his friend's lawn and he left it.
It was at that moment, last names were created. I believe "Guy I Can't Stand" has been shortened to Goldstein. In some communities it's been modernized as Rosenbaum, Felstein, and Schwartz. 

People are still arguing. This continued destruction we still live with today is because of humiliation, Rabbi Zecharya's humility, Romans not knowing the detailed laws of Lashon Hara, or not enunciating "cabbage" correctly. Whatever the reason, Rabbi Yochanan is going to blame Rabbi Zecharya. As Rabbi Yochanan later said, “I always liked him more with one shoe.”

Many now ask why this is the paramount story of Tisha BAv. Let me explain. Death and destruction are more inspirational. Inspiration used to come in the form of a nice sermon by Ezekiel. But Gd realized that exile and pogroms does a better job of getting people to think about being nice.

Edmond took the lesson to heart. To quote my buddy Edmond, who wouldn't stop talking in Shul on Tisha BAv, when I was trying to focus on lamentations: "I can't believe I'm starving today, because some guy got offended at a dinner party two-thousand years ago."

***I am not sure if I relayed the story with the exact Pshat of the Gemara. Maybe check out Gittin 56a-57a.

(Devarim 20:10) When waging war against a city, "propose a peaceful settlement." Which is why we have Efrat, Karnei Shomron, Chamonaim... Along with Beit El and other Yishuvim, there are not many other ideas for a peaceful settlement with those trying to kill us. And thank you for allowing me to be political with our puns today.

Shmuel says (Bava Kama 113a) Dinah Dmalchuta Dinah, “The law of the land is the law.” As such, tax evasion is Asur... Never ask your rabbi a question your accountant can answer.
And this is why I don’t talk to Shmuel anymore. He will kill a decent investment. 

Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the Three Weeks. So, no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.

During the Nine Days we don’t remodel our homes, plant trees for shade or fragrance, or weave clothes... Things you never do, you don’t do during the Nine Days. All the sudden, we're mourning and you're thinking, "I need a new chandelier. A nice lighting fixture would've looked good in the Beit HaMikdash... Now is a good time to weave. Why have I been buying my shirts at Kohl’s? I am going to take up weaving.” I have never seen a Jew plant a tree for shade. I have never seen a Jew weave, other than my aunt who makes amazing quilts. This must be talking about hiring people. Otherwise, there is no reason for this Halacha. And I have never heard of anybody remodeling their home and telling the town they did it. There are certain things you don't tell "the land."
And you don't launder clothes or wear fresh outer clothing. I've seen these kids at summer camp. They're disgusting. There is no way they’re wearing laundered clothes.

Announcements
No Simcha Kiddish this week. It’s the Three Weeks. We understand how happy you are, living in America. Nonetheless, it was your lack of decent Kugel that destroyed the Temple.
 
From now on, congregants should not pass by people’s homes without knocking on the door and saying Hi. It’s offensive. Like you don’t want to see them. Like you are protesting, letting them know you don't want to see that family.

We want to commend the Berksteins on their family’s ability to look depressed and not happy. You are greatly spiritual in your depression.
 
The Tisha BAv program this year is the movie Happy Gilmore. As it is tradition to screen a movie on Tisha BAv, we shall continue that tradition.
We also want to thank the greater Topeka Jewish community for organizing the Jewish Film Festival during the Nine Days. If we didn't have some decent Jewish romcoms, we might have been a little down, due to the destruction of the Temples.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Be Happy By Joining Our Shul- Lessons in Spirituality and Hatred of Members. Mourning By Having to Deal with Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah- After the Nine Days Should the Rabbi Still Have to Deal With You. How to Knock on Doors and Bother People When They Don’t Want to See You- Board Advice. How to Keep Chipper During the Nine Days By Watching Movies about Family Trips. How Our Synagogue Turned the Berksteins to H'.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
I don’t know why nobody names their daughter Chaglah. Noa, Milkah and Tirzah. I’ve see those. Even Machlah gets a name. They'd rather name their daughter “Disease” than Chaglah...
(Bamidbar 27:6-7) H’ says to listen to the daughters of Tzalfchad and girls should receive land if they have no brothers... Brothers do kill everything. Look at Junior Congregation. The Plotnik kids... We listen to women when they complain. But not the sisterhood, whose only goal is to not have an enjoyable Kiddish...

But it’s more. (Bamidbar 27:8-11) There is a list of the tiers of who gets the land of inheritance, and it ends with the closest thing to family.... You're not considered the closest when you get them to sign over their bank account to you. Good question, and reason for loving your parents... And you don’t even show up to funerals. You can care less about previous generations. You just want to take.

We don’t just pass on the land to the next generation. (Bamidbar 27:15-17) Moshe is going to die. He asks H’ to ensure there will be a leader... Yehoshua. Sorry, I didn’t want to give away the story... Well. Yes. You should know that Yehoshua is the leader after Moshe... Then read the Torah in English. There is a whole book in Neviim about Yehoshua leading the Jews... Ruchele is a decent leader. I do not believe H' voted her in as president of the shul... Our shul is not divine. I did not say, "H'. We need a new president..."
Our congregants don't learn the tradition, and you have ruined every old house. Every decent home is now infested with this generation... Of course there is no foundation, you don't even put in new gutters. The water... Yes. The water of strife is killing your homes. Fighting over who the house belongs to... When there is no tradition, you fight and you get a house like the Finkelmans, all infested...

Moshe is thinking of his people. Not the money... It’s amazing how our previous generations thought about how they will pass on the tradition. Our peoplehood. How to ensure that at the least, their future generations will have a decent Kiddish.

We pass on tradition... Sometimes through land. You wanted your parents to go so you could inherit... I don't think the laws of Yerushah hold the same weight in Topeka.
Progeny is about understanding our past and what we come from.... You don’t just take the land. You remorse. You mourn for our loss as a people. You think about how we ended up with members like Bernie and... The Beit HaMikdash was a loss. And I don’t think it was because there were no Chaglahs...

This is why the one time of year of mourning, and you're all having a blast. I've never seen you guys so happy. The only time you want a Simcha Kiddish is now. The only time you celebrate is when the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed... “Our people are being massacred. Let’s celebrate now”...
Stop it Shmuli. You wouldn’t even sponsor Kiddish if we had it. Stop trying to look good now, Shmuli... All the sudden Shmuli is willing to throw a huge party for the whole shul, for Tisha BAv. You wouldn't even spend on a Kiddish. Not even Kichel... If Mashiach comes, you will find a way for him to cover the Kiddish...

Tradition is not to speak Lashon Hara... I know your parents and your parents' parents spoke Lashon Hara. Tradition is to get along. To be kind... Well. Then sometimes we're not supposed to follow tradition. Point is the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed because we didn't get along and you're all passing the Feldowitz home...
You're offending the Feldowitzs. You all walk past their house and they think everyone is mad at them... Well that's what it looks like... Then at least wave.
Do not knock on my door. The rabbi doesn’t want you knocking on his door. I am not offended when you don’t stop by my house. I am bothered when I have to see you...
So nobody wants anybody at their home?! I'm the rabbi. For me it's a job to have to deal with you. Very painful...
So nobody wants anybody in their home. Hachansat Orchim is off in this congregation. Walking past the Feldowitz house has killed the idea of having guests. It's the board's fault. Making that dumb announcement of stopping by the Feldowitz Mishpuchi, who doesn't even offer coffee.
Worst advice. Knocking on People's doors. This is what we deal with in board meetings. Dumb ideas. And then they turn into programs and people moving away, just to get away from our membership. Worried they'll have to see our members during the week...

Again. No brothers. No understanding of progeny and getting along. No understanding that Yerusha, inheritance, is something people want to keep for themselves...
The Berksteins are closer to H’ than you all. They are more devout.... Because they do not smile. They did not get any Yerusha... Looking down means you're closer to Gd...
They used to smile. And then they started coming to shul. They saw the kids at Junior Congregation and the Feldowitz family. They had Kiddish put together by our sisterhood...
Spirituality is when you are not happy. When you don't have parties during the Three Weeks. When you don't have movie-a-thons during the Nine Days.
If you were spiritual, you would also not look happy... One day to become more spiritual is to have more of our members pop over and knock on your door to say Hi...

It’s about respect. Doing things the right way. The way our ancestors did it. Delis. Not smokehouses... That is when we’re deserving of...
I understand we’ve shown movies every year on Tisha BAv, but Happy Gilmore... I know Adam Sandler is Jewish. And we can mourn intermarriage... But it's always been a screening of Schindler’s List. It’s not any movie you see on Netflix... The fact that you all walk out saying, "It was such a good movie."

You're loving the Three Weeks... It's between the bad times. That's what time it is. I know Shabbat with you all is not good times. The days between Shabbat in this community are between the bad times... Shabbat is great times, when you are with a sisterhood that makes a decent Kugel and people aren't all knocking on the rabbi's door... The Three Weeks is the national bad times. And our board would've destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. Our Jewish Community Committee would've also... It's the bad times, even with Happy Gilmore and a Simcha Kiddish...
Don't get me started on the film festival. What idiots. Organizing it during the Nine Days. Any excuse to not mourn. The greater Jewish community of Topeka now does Shivas as a program. One day. A Seven Minute Shiva...
All selfish. All about your own enjoyment.

Moshe wants to ensure the people don't enjoy too much... Because then you get kicked out of the land, Bernie. The reason I'm still here is I do not enjoy it.
Moshe appoints Yehoshua in front of the people... Because you people question everything. The board is still getting questions as to whether or not I was hired. I had to post the contract on the shul bulletin as proof...
(Bamidbar 27:23) “And he put his hands on him and commanded him, as H’ had spoken through Moshe”... H’ did command Moshe to put the hands on Yehoshua...
Yes. Moshe put his hands on Yehoshua. He didn’t smack Yehoshua. It wasn’t a fight in front of all the people. He leaned his hands on him. That is Smicha... It wasn't like Mr. Feldowitz, when he ran after Gershman to whack him for passing by his house...
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that hands on a head force one to lower their head. A student has to follow his rabbi, therefore the head is bent. It is the bending of the head that symbolizes following. Rabbis have to be subservient to their rebbes’ teachings. And I believe Rabbi Feinstein said this to everybody who got Smicha from him... Be subservient to Torah. Tradition... Moshe's last name was not Feinstein. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein did not lead us out of Mitzrayim. Moshe’s last name was Son of Amram... They didn't have last names back then. You had to describe, "Oh. The Moshe with the curly hair. The one that wears the pleated pants. Yeah. That one." “You mean Amram’s son.”

It is the passing of tradition. That's why you keep a home in the family... Portion. You keep the portion in the family... Not cake. A portion... And this is why it is so important that land remain with the families, even if girls asked.
Reading the Torah and knowing who Yehoshua is part of that. You should not get your parents' stuff without knowing who Yehoshua is...

Rivka's Rundown
You have to be an idiot to ask our rabbi what he meant when he said Yehoshua. Every sermon has the lesson. You have to follow Torah, and this shul is full of a bunch of fools.
And the Tzelafchad explanation. They should've never asked the rabbi to explain what the daughters of Tzelafchad wanted a portion of. The rabbi trying to explain that the portion wasn't a bigger serving of soup, added an extra twenty minutes to the sermon. It then took another thirteen minutes for people to agree on how to spell Tzelafchad. Which ended up on them deciding to spell it in Hebrew.

The women started complaining about the rabbi saying that we learn from the daughters of Tzelafchad that we listen to women when they complain. The rabbi was in a catch 22. He had no idea how to respond to that complaint.
I think the rabbi said that even Gd didn’t want to hear the girls going off. He gave in just to not have to hear them anymore.

The rabbi started giving Yerusha tests, to decide if people should receive their inheritance, due to connection to our past. People ended up finally learning Torah in our shul. All it took was inheritance. 
To note, we did a congregational study. It turns out that once people receive their inheritance, they stop coming to shul. This is why parents don't give the Yerusha to their children while they're alive.

Our congregants have the worst timing. The fact that they're planning a shotgun wedding for Michael and Sarah before Tisha BAv is crazy.
The rabbi is correct. It’s all the people who never sponsor Kiddish that are screaming about it not having the Simcha Kiddish now. Because they know it won't happen, they are saying they're willing to pay for it. It was the same when it came to paying for day school. Every one of our members was willing to pay full tuition to the Jewish elementary day school when their kids were in college. Somehow, the day school did not accept university students. To look good, some of these shnurers even complained that their kids were qualified, and would do well in the fifth grade.
Now everybody is praying for Mashiach, so that we will have a huge Kiddish they don't have to pay for. This is what our congregants have been pining for. Choolante that is covered by Gd's messenger eternally.

The rabbi maintains that if the sisterhood made a decent Kugel, the Beit Hamikdash would've been rebuilt.
What respect for progeny and tradition has to do with people walking through my house, I do not know. I would also rather see families walk by.

The Feldowitz home is in the wrong spot. They can see everybody passing. You can’t read into everybody walking by your home. Now, you can’t go for a Shpatzir without the Feldowitzs feeling slighted.
The truth is that everybody goes to the Hermans. They walk past the Feldowitzs to go to the Hermans. The Hermans give you coffee and Danish. People don't like the Feldowitzs. I don't even think they like the Hermans. But they do like a decent cheese Danish and coffee.
Now people walk an extra half mile to get to shul, so that Simi Feldowitz doesn’t get offended.
People ended up moving away because of the board’s ordinance of friendliness. It turns out most people don’t want stop bys. Other than the Feldowitzs, people appreciate seeing people pass their home. It turns out that people have anxiety attacks and worry that they might have to see other members during the week.
Petitions were signed. Now there is a list of people you can’t say Hi to. People you have to stay away from due to the threat of you waving at them when passing their homes.
There were restraining orders. People now don’t have Shabbis guests.

People have now started hiding when people passed their homes. Hiding when I'm passing your home is more offensive than not stopping in. Seeing them through the window, shutting the shade real fast because they see me. That hurts. I am going to propose the no shutting shades ordinance next board meeting.

The Berksteins don’t smile. They are truly devout. I see them with their eyes closed too. They squint a lot. Very devout people. They must walk like that.

The rabbi hates the greater Jewish community more than our shul. He said that to some of the people after services on Shabbis. Those were the kindest words the rabbi has ever said to our membership. It was touching. I think the exact words were, "I couldn't believe it. Topeka has greater heretics than you."
A Jewish Film Festival for when Jews aren't supposed to watch Films. The federation is saying, "That's makes it Jewish."
It was the timing of the film festival, during the Jewish mourning period, that triggered the rabbi. He stood outside and let everybody know how wrong it was. He even protested the Israeli movies. That just looked bad. The Hamas supporters started hugging the rabbi, thanking him for helping in their cause of BDS. The New York Times somehow got hold of this, and put our rabbi on their cover.

Announcements
This Sunday is the 17th of Tamuz. On this day, Moshe broke the tablets, the Jews had to stop the daily sacrifice in the Temple, Apostomos burned a Torah, an idol was placed in the Temple, and the walls of Jerusalem were breached in 69CE. Please don’t cause any other tragedies for our people. We understand you’re members of our shul and the reason people hate Jews.
 
We ask Nachum uses suntan lotion. It’s painful to have to see him all sunburned. We ask he speaks to his dermatologist before boating.
 
The Simchovitz Zayde’s Yahrzeit is this week. He was a good man. He did a lot of good for the community. His children haven’t even donated a Kiddish.
 
Contemporary Halacha Class: The Reality of Connecting to Our People's Sorrows By Spending Time with Our Congregants. How to Put Your Life at Risk on a Boat By Being Pale- Like Nachum. How to Get Every Older Woman in Shul to Worry About You- Like Nachum. How to Connect to Your Ashkenazi Roots- Like Nachum. How to Get Everybody to Hate You and Cause More Exile By Not Sponsoring Kiddish.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They truly do hate us even when we are good... I am not referring to our congregants. I am referring to our people. There's reason to not like the board as well...
Like the donkey who says to Bilam (Bamidbar 22:28-30) “Why did you strike me... Have I not been your donkey forever? Have I ever acted like this?” They blame us for stuff. Have we ever been accustomed to violence? Have we ever... Other than trying to get a good deal, what has our people done? That and the membership of our shul...
At that point, shocked that his donkey would have the Chutzpah to talk to him like that, Bilam backs down. Sometimes, we have to questions ourselves. Our decisions. We have to not blame others. We have to take blame for our children... Sending them away is a way to deal with it as well. The children are not here right now, and that's what matters. Let's focus on that Bracha...

Bilam shouldn’t have gone to curse the Jews, as Balak wanted. But Bilam’s ego got in the way. The same way the Michel's ego got in the way when he pushed Bernie over to pull out the Torah himself... You weren't even called up. You ran up to the Aron and pulled it out. You also got an Aliyah that you weren't called up for that day. You were possessed. If you would've just been decent at ping pong, your ego would've been satiated. Bernie would've taken out the Torah... And yes. We do now have a ping pong committee... It wasn't your Aliyah. Your Michel Avraham Ben Simcha HaKohen. It was the fourth Aliyah...

Bilam is now with Balak and he goes off to hear from H’. Balak wants Bilam to curse the Jews. Balak was diplomatic. Political leaders can't do that themselves. They have to find other people to do it for them. Which is how we have the EU. He tells Balak that he can only say what Gd tells him. This is how you get out of trouble. You say "H' made me say it." Do you know how many times I got smacked for cursing out my teachers as a child, and then blaming it on H'? I believe you have to be older to be inspired by H'. You can tell somebody they're ugly "because Gd says so," once you're in your fifties. 
(Bamidbar 23:5) "H’ puts words in Bilam’s mouth and He says, 'Return to Balak, and thus shall you speak.'" "Thus" is not my words. Did H' speak ancient English? I do not know. 
The words are not revealed until Bilam is in front of Balak again. For some reason Bilam couldn't be trusted. The same way you can't trust the board. 

(Bamidbar23:7-12) Beautiful words of blessing and solidarity come out of Bilam’s mouth. Balak doesn’t like it. But he is speaking words of Gd. Many people don't like the word of Gd. It kills their day.
Bilam is possessed by money here. Money and fame. His ego gets in the way of our following H'... If the board would've let H' speak, He would've said, "Give the rabbi a raise. Let him vacation. Let him enjoy not seeing you"... They would've heard H' say, "These people are idiots."

When we are not influenced by our ego, pure words come out. Blessing. Words that I have not heard spoken at Kiddish. "That was a good Kugel"... I have never heard anybody say that, because not one of our members can make a decent Kugel.
Not one meeting for the renovations of the shul has had H’ involved... You chose a water slide over a Torah... It’s not about being the popular shul. It's about H' and listening to what He is saying... H' didn't say to have a Bouncie Bima. He didn't say to have the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Lazy River... Thank Gd we got rid of it. It took a half hour to get from the Bima to the ark after Torah reading...

When Bilam is looking over the Jewish camp, you think he’s thinking "they’re cool." "Those are the people I want to hang with. Davening Mincha. A bunch of with it people. I want to sit at their table. They even have that Matzah stuff"... That's how they used to talk. "With it" is how you say a ninety-year-old still has a personality... You have a low standard of awakeness. Like Bernie is awake for a couple minutes of Davening. He's old. So, he's with it. If he was thirty, we would be calling the paramedics... Truth is Michel saved us. Why is Bernie taking out the Torah. He might fall asleep when opening the ark...
Thank Gd Bilam didn't see Camp Menashe Himmel in the Catskills. He would've said, "The Jewish people are bad athletes."

When you are pure and don't have the ego in the way, you don't blame. You praise. Purity of thought. No congregants...
Our congregants have the reputation. We can judge them. They cause tragedy. Curse. Not Bracha... I don’t know if it’s ego. Maybe it’s just stupidity. Lack of hearing H’...
It's the ego. That's how you make your dumb decisions... It's because you don't listen to me...

What happened in the WNBA this week? Tragedy. Caitlin Clark got hit again... It might have been because our congregants are fans... Turns into a curse for Caitlin. The shul trip to watch her play in Chicago is going to be painful...
The renovations committee. A total tragedy. Our shul was destroyed. Didn't even need Bilam... It was not listening to H'. Making ego decisions like a bigger Aron. How big of a Torah do you plan to get, that you need a twenty-five-foot-high ark?! Our congregants can't even lift the one-and-a-half-foot Torah...

Nachum. You’re just not good looking. Always wear something on you... The burns all over you. Ouch. It hurts having to see you... Gardening? Were you gardening on a stove?
My pure thoughts say Nachum doesn’t think... If you thought, you would've worn a hat... The big red thing on the top of your head... If you gardened without an ego, you woud've heard H' saying, "There is sun right now. It's the middle of the summer"...
Point is that Bilam would've even worn a hat... He wouldn't have joined our people for Matzah. This isn't jail. Benjy thinks this is the whole joining Kosher because you're in jail thing...

Your Zayde was a good man Mr. Simchovitz. You guys. That’s a different story... It was a different time. Jews were good people back then. They were kind. They listened to H'. They listened to their rabbi... It's ego to not sponsor Kiddish. H' would've said, "Serve an excellent Kugel that people will like. Something not made by the Sisterhood."

Good people who used to have purity. Before social media. A time when Lashon Hara was pure. When people meant it. That's what Balak wanted from Bilam.
If we put our egos down and let H’s words come out, it is words of blessing... Yes. Torah. Pinchas. And holiness. What else would it be. Lord of the Rings?! Are those H’s words???!... Lord of the rings is not the one to listen to. It's not Gd.

Of course, Bilam gets out a bit of a curse later on. You can always find a way to curse the Jews. Anti-Semites have an uncanny ability... Even when we’re not talking about our membership at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, an anti-Semite will find it. I feel like cursing somebody. Right now, looking out at the shul. Even right before Yud Zayin Tamuz....

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi just used the whole Bilam story to let the congregants know how much he can't stand them, by saying what he says is what Gd wants. If I'm not mistaken, H' wants us to give the rabbi a raise and to let him go on vacation. He also wants Samantha to stop chewing gum in shul, and for Max to stop coughing. And for Bernie to not talk. H' also wants to get rid of the board. He wants no committees too.

So many bad decisions have been made in the congregation due to ego.
Nobody looks at our shul and thinks we're cool. We will never get people coming here to be part of the popular crowd. We are dependent on spirituality for membership. That's how big of losers we are. The rabbi even taught people how to close their eyes to look more penitent in shul, and shut up.

If Bilam would've seen our congregation and the camp our kids go to, he would've been cursing. If he got charged how much we have to pay for camp nowadays, he would've been cursing. And H' would've supported it.

Benjy is still living with a jail mentality. Just got out for the fifth time. I don't know why we let him in the shul. He just got locked up again for grand larceny. And the rabbi gives him the code. They even voted him as the Gabai for next year. That's how much nobody wants to be Gabai. Why Benjy doesn't steal smaller items, I don't get it. But the rabbi trusts him with the Torah.

Michel is truly bad at ping pong. Once his ego got hit, he got possessed. He ran with the Torah. They thought he was stealing it. He was just running with it because his ego got shot in ping pong. Hence, he didn't listen to H' and he got tackled by Benjy. Benjy won't let anybody else steal anything.
One bad decision and that's it. Ego gets in the way, you knock over a ninety-year-old, and you lose your job managing a nursing home.

There is a ping pong committee. It started as a club. But it was in shul so the board voted and said they had to call it a committee. You have to have a committee for everything in our shul now. The napkins committee voted on cheaper napkins. Now we have those wax style napkins at Kiddish and people are just rubbing the food from one side of their face to the other.
What has the ping pong committee done? They've played ping pong. Have they discussed ping pong? As a committee they have to host a requisite two hour meeting every month, where they discuss playing ping pong.
The committees are more of a discussion group. They're book clubs for people who don't read. By the way, in shul, we have a book committee who changes over the Siddurs when the holidays come around. 

Thank Gd we got rid of the water park idea. They brought in a slip and slide to the sanctuary and used that as the lazy river around to test out the concept. 
The water park and bouncy shul idea did draw people. None of them were Jewish. B"H, we didn't take entrance on Shabbat. So, nobody was wearing a bathing suit in the sanctuary. Even the Simchovitz family, those heretics who can't get us a Kiddish. would've been offended by bathing suits. Mark did suggest that bathing suits should be allowed in the sanctuary, as they are suits.
Point the rabbi was making is it's not just about drawing people. It's about what H' wants. Based on the feedback and support of the young families with kids we're trying to draw, H' does seem to want a bouncy themed temple.

The rabbi sees having to deal with congregants as a tragedy. They ask him when a Bris should be, that’s a tragedy. What time Davening is, it's a tragedy. I think he is extremely frustrated with us. I think any member of our shul is a tragedy. A reason to hate Jews.
I think I understand the rabbi. The renovations committee is messed up. They are the reason the Beit Hamikdash was destroyed. It was their decisions.

Nachum was gardening this week. He should hibernate during the summer. The guy burns when he walks to shul.

We need more Zaydes in the congregation, to tell the parents they’re doing stuff wrong.
The Simchovitz have given nothing to the shul. Other than joining the renovations committee and insisting that they be on the demolition sub-committee. Why we need a sub-committee to decide a second time to destroy the place makes no sense. They just better not destroy the bouncy house. The bouncy house is what draws people to shul.
Even there, on the renovations sub-committee, they destroy what their dad built. 

I have never seen the rabbi as passionate about a class, as he was when he gave the Shiur for the Three Weeks, Bein HaMetzarim, on The Reality of Connecting to Our People's Sorrows By Spending Time with Our Congregants.

It's almost Tisha BAv, and we are coming on the Three Weeks. It's time we look at bettering our community and ourselves, so we can rebuild the Temple. And the only way we can do this is with politicians. 
To rebuild the Beit Hamikdash we could focus on construction. But let's not. That takes a lot of effort. It's easier to work on our Midot, our character traits. And for that, we look to our politicians. As they are our moral compass.
We are a society based on Halacha and Dina DMalchuta Dina. The law of the land is the law, and we know many Members of Knesset are not following Halacha. So, we need bills. 
We need to get along, as this is the reason it’s taken so long to rebuild the Temple. With Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, nobody agrees on the plans. It’s like a committee. And we know committees don’t help. To promote love and getting along, I propose yet another Israeli bill for change in Jerusalem.

BILL 5 - Give People Room on the Sidewalk to Pass
Note About Bill for Members of Knesset: This one was created right after Shabbat, when a guy and his kids wouldn’t move. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If there would have been bills passed to lock these people up, I would not have to have written this bill. People like this, who walk on sidewalks should be locked up. Prison is the only place for them.

Act
Be courteous. Jerusalem doesn't have that much room. Since the destruction of the Temples people have been complaining about space in Jerusalem.
This falls under the same bills that require one to not cut people in line, or move into the turning lane at the end, when I am sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes. This may also fall under the "do your shopping before you put your cart on line" act, so that I don’t have to stare at your cart wondering why you're still shopping while your cart is on line. Again, wondering where you are. Also known as the "why are they bringing two items at a time to their cart, which I am waiting behind, because I finished my shopping" bill. Also known as the "it is not my job to stand on line and guard your spot" bill. Also known as the "I can't stand you" bill.

Problem
a) People do not share.
b) They don’t move aside for anybody, as that would make them a fryer. And fryers are good people, because they allow me to use the sidewalk too.
c) I have to walk down the sidewalk sideways, balancing myself on the curb. This is due to my American, non-Middle Eastern upbringing, which dictates that being giving to others is something positive. They told me growing up that being courteous doesn’t makes you a "Gever." Which is why Americans are falling behind. The education system in America is messed up.
d) People think that if they take up the sidewalk, it is theirs. Being the high taxation rate, they believe they have already purchased it. Which means my taxes are not at work.
e) They're using baby carriages as an attack mechanism. They're taking full ownership of the sidewalks with strollers. And it is hard to knock over a baby in full conscience. But it is not impossible.
In Tel Aviv, they're using dogs. Either way, these things are in strollers.
e) Other people might have jobs too. They need to use the sidewalk and street to get to those places. I'm not promoting employment. But we have to deal with the mistakes of capitalism.  
f) The Temple has not been rebuilt, and thus there is less room in Jerusalem. Ask the rabbis of the Mishna to explain.
Pirkei Avot teaches that nobody complained about space in Jerusalem during the times of the Temple. Which means that they didn’t have Chol HaMoed Sukkot traffic on Highway One.

Solution
a) Share. Have a course on how to not be a jerk. Just like traffic school, you have "don’t be a jerk" school. Also known as "don't be you" school, you teach the jerks about neighbors, and how they are people that live near you. You teach them to say hello and to not leave their garbage in the hallway, in front of their neighbor’s door. To practice, you sit people next to each other in a movie theater until they learn to share the armrest.
b) No couples holding hands, unless if they are willing to walk sideways while passing me. Just because you are a couple does not mean that you have more rights to space. Whatever happened to Israeli dance techniques and maneuvers.
I accept your affection, if you are willing to hold my hand too. Either hold my hand or Mayim Mayim BSason bridge dance with me. Make the bridge so people can go under, and let us all enjoy our day. Make others feel part of the love, and let us take up the sidewalk together in a Jewish London Bridge is Falling Down.
c) Have Gan (nursery school) teachers on patrol, and have them teach people to share. We can start with LEGO. The really big ones. Otherwise, these people will be placing the tiny LEGO all over the sidewalk, just to watch people kill their feet. And stop teaching musical chairs. It teaches bad Midot. We should be teaching kids to offer a chair when the music stops.
d) Courtesy. Teach people to turn sideways. If somebody is coming towards you on the sidewalk, shift a little. At least shuffle the legs and make it look like you tried. Maybe a shoulder tuck, which gives an centimeter to the oncoming.
e) If none of this works… Teach Americans to not be pansies, and to stop complaining about every little thing. Toughen up. No crying just because you're not from the Middle East. It’s an act of weakness to give up any of the sidewalk and to not walk straight ahead. Don't be afraid to knock over elderly people. If they're ninety and can't handle it, it's time they grew up.
h) Be a decent person. Do unto others as you would want done to you. You see somebody walking down the sidewalk, hail a cab for them. Scratch the backside of their ear for them. Follow them home and do their dishes.
i) Lock them up. Anybody who does not make room for me, put in jail.
This will get the Temple rebuilt.

Backup Solution
More space. Jerusalem needs more room. At least until we rebuild the Beit Hamikdash and there are better roads to the Old City.

Let us speak of the fast days, also known as the days of projected hunger.
Last time we discussed gorging before and after the fast. There is more to fast day survival than eating as much as you can. Though, that is what the rabbis had in mind when instituting the fast days for the destruction of Jerusalem. It’s amazing how you can still be hungry when you’ve eaten twelve pounds of whitefish. 
Today, Asarah BTevet, when the siege of Jerusalem by the Babylonians began, it's important we focus on sleeping, just as many of the soldiers were doing at that time. I'm just here to help.

Sleep Through The Fast Day Method
I don’t know what you are trying to achieve. During the fast, I am hoping to achieve survival. And that means not going hungry. The best way to do that is to sleep. We learn this from bears who make it through the winter, refreshed and unscathed. Hence, use the day to sleep to connect with the Destruction of the Temple. The Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting is known by many as the Reason I Lost My Job Method. Thank Gd, I have a new job.
You can still go to shul. You wake up at 7am, go to shul and mourn a little, home by 8:15am, sleep until 4:15pm and then it’s time to eat. Please be aware that the Sleep Through the Day Method of fasting can be very dangerous if applied elsewhere. If you practice this every day, you will definitely lose your job. Based on first hand experience. You will also lose your home. You will lose your family.
Issues with the Sleep Through the Day Method are that your spouse may ask you to take out the trash. They may even have the Chutzpah to ask you to help with the kids. Make it clear, you're fasting for holy reasons and you have to sleep to focus on the siege.
 
Focus of The Day
On a fast day, you must focus on what's important. And that is to figure out when the fast is over, so you can eat. Nonetheless, as you fast, sleep is paramount.
The goal of most fast days is to have you thinking about the community's sins and your own. You’re better off sleeping through that. The community has bothered you enough. You don’t want to be asked to join another committee. If you think the Kiddush committee meets too often, imagine how many meetings you will have to attend for the rebuilding of the Temple.
One of the major reasons for the destruction of the Second Temple is baseless hatred, which comes along with speaking bad about others, known as Lashon Hara. If you're sleeping, there is no way you will be speaking any slander. The people who were sleeping while the destruction was happening were not the reason for the siege of Jerusalem.
If you talk in your sleep, on the other hand, you may be the reason why we have not witnessed the rebuilding of the Temple.

How To Sleep Through The Fast
It's not easy to sleep another eight hours. You must be resilient. Not everything in life comes easy. You need drive. Push yourself.
Being the Tenth of Tevet is a daytime only fast, I say you stay up all night watching action flicks, such as Bloodsport. Entertaining, yet bloody, to remind you of the fighting the Jews had to do. A holy movie to say the least.
Daytime TV is hard to work with for any decent fast day entertainment.
If you're having trouble falling asleep daytime TV can help with that. Play some Kelly Ripa and you'll be inspire you to go back to bed.
Definitely do not get caught thinking about why the Temples were destroyed. That will keep you up all day. Next thing you know, you will start repenting and you've lost a good day's sleep. Not how you want to spend the fast.

Next time we will focus on other methods to make it through the fast, such as the Plan Your Sickness so You Can Eat According to the Rabbis and the IV Method for making it through the days of projected hunger.

You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
 
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts.
 
Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah.

(Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you.
H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale.

Russian Jews were so against paying for water in the desert. They gave Moshe a rebel. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Rebel. Ruble. A ruble is Russian currency. Moshe called the people rebellious at Mei Merivah. Rebels. Rubles. They gave him a rebel. Not a ruble. Rebel. Rebellion. Many layers here. Please know we love Russian Jews. Russian Jewry was needed to make that work. Next time we’ll do a pun about Jewry and jewelry. Please note, Russian Jews were not around at the time we were wondering in the desert.
 
They had a Jewish diamond store. They said they were looking for a customer base that was made of American Jewelry. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Jewelry. Jewry. American Jewelry. If you were thinking American Jewry, that's anti-Semitic. Or pro-jewelry. This pun keeps on giving. Please note, we said we would bring you a Jewry, jewelry pun. We stuck to our play on word.
 
They were trying to figure out if they needed to wrap a Tallis for Maariv. The rabbi decided they shawl not. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Shall. Shawl. A Tallis is a prayer shawl. Shawl not put it on. Should be 'shall.' Thank you. I speak a proper English even in pun form.
 
Fast days are very important. I did the 17th of Tamuz fast in four hours. That was a very fast day. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fast day. Fast. Quick. The fast was over faster cause we did in less time. We should get more reward for doing a fast day faster. But don't. You should mourn for longer. You shouldn't follow puns as Halacha all the time. There are better texts than this for Jewish law.
 
Why’s this fast different from all other fasts? All other fasts tables are below. This fast, it's Tish above. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tisha BAv. Tish above sounds exactly the same. Tish is table in Yiddish. If you don't know that, it's not a pun. Hence, the need to know at least three languages to understand our puns. It’s not Pesach, but you can still ask questions on this night.
 
The Shadchan didn’t set me up. Though, she did help with Havdalah. She had an idea for a match. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Shadchan is a matchmaker. Sets people up. But hear they're helping with matches. At Havdalah we light a candle. Matchmaker. Match. Maybe they're a candle-maker that calls themselves a matchmaker. I don't know.

His Layning was so bad. They asked what he was doing. One guy said, ‘Kriat HaTorah.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kriat HaTorah. Tearing the Torah. It usually means ‘reading the Torah,’ but this is a pun. The same word for reading Torah and tearing clothes to mourn, 'Kriah,' if you want the joke to have more meaning. Learn Hebrew, then come back and read out puns. You might want to also learn French, just in case.

Announcements
Speaker from Israel will be here this week to tell you shouldn't be here. The rabbi felt it important the congregants hear this message.

We are asking congregants to smile. That might help people feel like they are liked. That might help bring some peace this Tisha BAv.

As the fast will be happening and our members get worried when they skip a meal, the shul will have a doctor with an IV on-site.

Shul aerobic classes will start next week. We understand our membership is very out of shape. This is why we‘re hosting aerobics classes at shul. Our members can’t keep up with the ninety-year-olds at the gym. The JCC asked our members stop coming due to their breathing patterns. For the same reason, the rabbi is asking people to stop Davening the Amidah. The breathing is too loud during the silent prayer.

The Israel support meeting will happen this week. We are going to focus on meetings, as we know people will not give money.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Move to Israel and Leave Our Shul. How to Not Look Like You’re Mad at Everyone. How to Not Breathe Like You’re About to Pass Out. How to Do More than Start a Committee.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Let me summarize Moshe’s words. ‘I detest you as people...’ No. He didn’t have to deal with congregants of this shul.
(Devarim 1:25-28) Moshe tells them the spies, the good ones, came back and said the land was good. ‘Took in their hands from the fruit...’ It was good fruit. Ever had an Israeli kumquat?!... I don’t know if they brought those, but they’re good.
‘The land is good, and you didn’t want to go. You were like members of Anshei Emes uSefilah who didn’t go on the shul trip. You rebelled H’ like the Chazin who takes a really long time to finish the repetition of the Amidah. And you slandered like the Pinskowitzs who don’t appreciate their rabbi...’
I'm paraphrasing Moshe. I don't know if he knew Bernie. Point is you slander when you do something wrong. It starts with a little thing, like comfort and then it turns into hate and fear. And then you don’t want to visit Israel and United cancels their flights....

It’s about taking that plunge. Being in Israel is the right thing. It's a good land. But you all have excuses. And those excuses turn to fear. And fear turns into your rabbi having to deal with Bernie and Fran. Kiddishes that have nothing more than Kichel...

The guest speaker is right. You should be in Israel... If his speeches are successful, you won't be here... You still have to pay dues...

(Devarim 1:29-30) Moshe reminds them that he told them, ‘Do not be broken and do not fear them. H’... He will make war for you like all he did for you in Mitzrayim.’
You forget. You forget how H' protects you. You forget the shul Shabbaton where I kicked out the Chazin for singing too much... I did that for you. And I will do that on the shul trip to Israel...
A relationship is destroyed when you don’t remember. No trust. And that is why your members of the shul and not of my family...

It's an outlook. It's fear which builds up with much time of forgetting H'. You forget H' and you start to come up with excuses for being annoying members. Then you hate... At least you cause a lot of hatred. When you tell the bad jokes, Sim...

You depress people here.
So depressing in this place... Giving a sermon to you... When you snarl at people, they think you don't like them... That's not an excuse. To say that anger is your regular look is not an excuse. You're the reason for hatred.
Let's try to smile together... Your smiles truly do look bad. The look of depression is more fitting our congregants...

Please stop interrupting the sermon. The loud breathing in a listening state of our congregants is disturbing... I couldn't even focus on the Amidah. Your breathing kills Kavanah... The Amidah should be no saying the words out loud or breathing.
This congregation is too out of shape to Daven. The back left is too out of shape to pray for good health. It's messed up. I'm shocked you can even make it to shul...
The aerobics classes are Zoomba... So, they’re Asur. I don’t know. So, they're just for women. 
I just know you can’t go Bernie... It’s for women only. I’ve seen you looking at the women’s side at the weddings recently. You want to chase the women away from aerobics too???... I think they’re doing Zoomba there. Not sure... You don't need to bring your own step. We have steps in the sanctuary, on the way up to the Aron Kodesh. The Bima in front of the ark has a lot of stairs...

You fear even losing your money... You're worried about your retirement... You should retire to Israel... I know it costs more. 
At least give money to Israel... Money is also a form of giving. I know nobody in this shul believes that you can do more than be part of a committee... You can make decisions for good without a meeting. You don't need to be part of a board to participate in showing up to Shacharit on time...
Having a meeting does not mean you did anything... Yes. I said it... I didn't say to give money to the Federation. The Federation is in Topeka, not Israel. How do you give to Israel when you're giving to Topeka???

It's all about fear. The reason you don't want to go to Israel. It's fear. It's fear because you forgot H'. You forgot H' and you remembered your money. And you forgot my class on repentance last week... Nobody showed for that... Stop crying about Tisha BAv. Cry for the destruction of our people. Cry for a day where people are in good enough shape to not dusturb my Davening. The Federation...

Calm down with the Kinot. Lamentations are not more painful than the fast... I know nobody understands them. You're not supposed to understand prayer. That's why we call it Tefillah...

(Devarim 1:37) Moshe tells the people, ‘It’s because of you I am not going to Israel.’ And you are why we had to cancel the shul stay in the Citadel Hotel... 
I will do a Kinah about that.

Rivka's Rundown
As the rabbi said, it’s this fear that keeps us out of Israel. It’s the lack of trust in H’. This is the reason why the rabbi hasn't had a decent shawarma in two years.
The rabbi said everybody in the shul is full of fear. The congregants fear showing up to shul on time. They fear they might have to pray. Everybody fears the Chazin might show up. The whole of the membership fears smiling.

Rabbi brought in somebody from Israel to tell us he wants us out of Topeka. I think he is trying to get rid of the congregation and using the Torah to do it. The Israel message the speaker was giving over was right and I agree. We should be in Israel. But the following week with the rabbi told us we should move to Montreal. I am still trying to figure out if the rabbi cares about Israel or not having to deal with Bernie.

I don't know how still paying dues after moving to Israel makes sense. Truth is our shul has raised no money for Israel the past year. I believe we're the only congregation to give nothing. Fear will definitely keep your money in Topeka.

​Our shul truly is the most depressing place to go. It’s always a Tisha BAv feeling in our shul. That’s the ambiance we’re going for. The Tisha BAv kind of ambiance.
Smiling doesn't help. The rabbi brought in a dentist. The dentist said he can't do anything about the smiles. Suggested it's better the congregation doesn't smile. For a second opinion the rabbi brought in an orthodontist. The orthodontist felt so bad. He said it will depress people more if the congregants smiled. He ended up giving a donation to shul, feeling so bad that he might have had something to do with the disgusting teeth and hygiene of the community. Dr. Friedberg, the orthodontist, is now in therapy, post traumatic teeth of Anshei Emes uSefilah disorder. I believe the Dr. Friedberg fears coming back to our shul.
When asked why they haven't been to an orthodontist, every man in the back left said, 'I haven't even paid my dues.'

We need to lose weight. The breathing is off in our shul. Aerobics will help. I didn't understand why we needed Zoomba classes. Then the rabbi pointed to Shimon and said, 'That's what you look like when you dance the Hora.'
Fast Davening can help with the aerobic aspects of Davening. We need more people focusing on the sitting and standing. More of an aerobic focus. More circling around the shul with the Torha. The kid chasing in shul is good aerobics.
I still think more Simcha dancing can help. Just nobody wants to go to more weddings. With the due, wedding gifts and trips the rabbi is suggesting, nobody in our congregation will ever be able to afford and orthodontist.

The rabbi's words of not understanding Kinot were greatly appreciated by all. They finally understood why they come to shul and pray in Hebrew that is not Biblical or modern.
They get so worried in our shul about not eating on a fast day, Chana Leah printed up a Kinah (lamentation) about not eating for twenty-five hours. She insisted everybody read it along with the Kinot about the destruction of the Temples and the genocide of our people. The part about 'Oh. To thine cheese that hasth melted. Werehast thy goneth,' was quite touching.

The Jewish Federation now hates our rabbi. They told him that money raised for Israel should go to Israelis in America. And then the rabbi said, 'Having a meeting doesn't mean you did anything.' That hurt the congregants as a whole. Now the board that hasn't put in money for a paint job in the shul for the past thirty-five years is questioning what being Jewish is about. To quote Shaindel, a committee member who is part of every committee, 'What is Judaism without committees?'
Meetings need more action was not a message that spoke to our congregants. They feel like they’re giving by talking with their friends. Which is true if you're unemployed.
At the Israel support meeting the congregants were adamant that they will do anything and give anything but money. After much deliberation, they decided wanted to give by having more meetings.

Tisha BAv services in shul were very long. The rabbi talked for hours during the Kinot services about the Temple being destroyed because of hatred of fellow man, and how we should use the day to internalize peace amongst our people. With the long prayers and the long fast mixed together, people got very antsy. Fights broke out. Much fear of having to hear the rabbi talk more was expressed by the congregation.

I had already been to the mechanic that morning. I was not happy entering the supermarket. When Gd says Tisha BAv is an inauspicious time for the Jewish people, I had no idea He was talking about people ruining my day. Now I understand. I thought they were anti-Semites. They were fulfilling Gd's mission of shopping for groceries. Nonetheless, I was overcome with hatred.
I try to find the positive in these people who ruin my day. I can't. Yet, I thought of what they might be going through. Their thoughts. How they're not as annoying as my congregants. This Tisha BAv, I hope you can be inspired by how I was able to not judge the guy on the 10 items or less aisle with more than 30 items, and how I stayed away from whacking him with my cart.

I Almost Hated Cheerios
I almost gave up on mankind when I saw the guy's cart. I could tell he likes cereal. I believe he decided he was going to eat General Mills for breakfast. All of General Mills. The company. He was about to purchase the whole Cheerios section. Till I saw his cart, I had no idea Cheerios had an Oat Crunch. I didn't know that Cheerios themselves could be more than 10 items. I thought they were Cheerios.
You're thinking, 'He must be able to see the lit sign. He was able to read the packaging on his thirty cans of tuna, and fifteen boxes of Pop-Tarts.' I was thinking that too. These people deserve to be hated. But it's Tisha BAv.

What The Guy With A Full Cart is Thinking on the 10 Items and Less Aisle
Maybe the sign that says '10 items or less' means ten types of products, and I'm misunderstanding the number ten. Does it mean cheese as a category? That includes cottage cheese and cream cheese. Macaroni and cheese. Maybe all dairy products is one item. Comes from cow. Dairy. One item. It should be 'dairy product.' I don't know the mathematics behind what equals 10 items. Is cereals as a category one item? Maybe it's grains. Fifteen packages of grain item. That's one item of grain.
This line is moving fast.

What They're Thinking After Twelve Minutes of You Waiting
When you're taking out of the supermarket, each plastic bag you loaded up is one item.
Why does that woman behind me only have eight things? Why is she waiting on this line with just milk and eggs? Isn't there another line for people like her?

Judging Is Wrong
Don't judge until you understand the rules. I saw one woman on the line with two carts. Maybe each cart is an item. I don't know. I just know I missed work.

Anybody Working at a Garage
It's the mechanic's fault. I believe he was the reason. I hate mechanics. I tried to love them. I can't. They charge too much. Love shouldn't cost that much, unless if there's a Ketubah involved.
If there is one people you're allowed to hate, it's mechanics. I have never walked away from a garage happy. I believe they cause all hatred. The Torah should teach that it's forbidden to work on people's cars. Taking interest and being a mechanic are Asur. Taking interest, being a mechanic, and being a congregant are forbidden.

I've never seen a 30 items or more aisle. I've also never seen somebody take six minutes to ring up Cheerios. I have a lot of anger to work through. But I am getting there. I'm trying real hard to stay away from auto repairs. I don't know how long it will be till my next oil change and hatred of all mankind. I pray we can all find a way to love each other and stay away from mechanics. This Tisha BAv should be a time of redemption and quicker lines.
Why the supermarket only had one line still bothers me.

(Vayikra 19:1-2) ‘You shall be holy.’ Rashi teaches this means to be removed from sin. From this we learn that it's a Mitzvah to not enjoy yourself.
As a rabbi, I've learned that people want to see their rabbi not smiling. A serious look of not happiness makes them feel their rabbi is holy. I once smiled. The board fired me for unholy behavior. Now, I just think of having to deal with congregants and I have the right look.
 
(Niddah 73a) One who learns two Halachas a day, merits Olam Haba... I never learned that Halacha before. If I would’ve known that Halacha, I might have come around to learning it.
This should be the first Halacha they teach. People might learn more. By the time you get to this, learning one Halacha a day, you've already earned yourself a place in Gehenim.
 
(Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash.
It's about feeling the pain of our people. You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full. This truly connects them to the yearning of our people.
Rule: One who commits a sin can't commit a second sin. That's the idea. But I can tell you otherwise. I have congregants. They sin a third time too.

We don’t get a haircut or shave during the Three Weeks, so that you can look like you’re mourning and not get a date.
The Three Weeks are now. There are other three weeks in the year. I would not want to confuse anybody. Other three weeks do exist. But these are the Three Weeks. The Ben HaMeitzarim, 'Between the Disasters.' The Three Weeks between the shaves. The Three Weeks you look real bad.

Announcements
Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school.
 
As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal.
 
It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit.
 
We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once.

Rabbi Mendelchem's  Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes...
When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie.
The question is who sees the sword...

Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you...

And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima...
(Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters...

(Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’
Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you.
When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. 
Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals.

(22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock.
This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten...
It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking...
The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important...

Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast...
The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. 

The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot...

Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery.

We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... 
Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that.

'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance.

The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse.
He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping.

Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul.
They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board.
The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement.
When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee.

Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president.

I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish.

They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul.
That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent.
The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent.
The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody.
Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me.

How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough.
Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ 
The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim and David eating ribs on a date like a fool with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about religious Jews mourning the loss of the Temple and praying for its return.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.

The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.'
To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.'

Tachnun Before Tisha BAv?
It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis.
Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur.

What Do We Do?
Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.'
But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi.
They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.

The Rabbi Explains
In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given.

Epilogue
For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av.

And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.'
And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back.

Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means.

The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.'
Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.'

The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' 
And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai.
Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. 

Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza.

Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful.
 
The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes.
A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month.
 
We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul.
 
No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim...
No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed...

Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house.
I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv...

Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis.
They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea.
My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place...
You're the reason for Tisha BAv...

We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah.
This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You.
No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.'

Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom.

We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition.
We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you...

Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi.
By the way. The rabbi loves grapes.

Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three.
There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.'
All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger.

That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie.

'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych.
Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers.

I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot.
Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about.
They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.'

Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations.
I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon.

It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv:

The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive.
The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain.
(Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy.
Let's see what else happened.

The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat.
I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller.

The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this.
I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes.

Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus.

Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times
The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us.
Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.'
It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!'
As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers.

Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim.
If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?!
At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea.
While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad.
There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. 
And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.
​
Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. 

As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened:

1) Moshe broke the Luchot.
He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 

2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons.
Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful.

3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy.
If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us.

4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 

5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple.
There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude.

There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart.
Truly. It's the Chutzpah.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to the joy of BBQs during the Nine Days, Tu BAv love and excitement of seeing your name on a Coke bottle in Hebrew, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how the only thing in Israel that excites him is a Coke bottle.

Tisha BAv is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. Many tragedies took place on this day, including the destruction of the Temples, due to our sins. Hence, on this day, we are awakened to repent as a people. As such, I worry about fasting.
What truly bothers me during this time of mourning is the idea of not being able to eat cream cheese and lox. Not even a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. After five hours of fasting, I'm not worried about the destruction of the Temples. I'm worried about starving. and even worse, losing weight.
This Tisha BAv, I don’t want you to be worried about not eating. I want to give you the tools to be focused on the destruction and how we can work towards the rebuilding of the next Temple. 
Today, we shall focus on pregaming the fast, and what to do afterwards.
 
Gorge Before the Fast
Eat a lot. This is the way to make it through a fast.
The tradition before Tisha BAv is to sit on the floor and to eat an egg and bread with ashes, to commemorate the destruction. I have never filled up on eggs and ashes. Thus, I have another meal before that, to commemorate the fear of eating an egg and bread, and the greater fear of not eating for a day. I also commomate chairs during that meal, by sitting on one.
You're not going to be eating for around twenty-five hours. I don’t know when starvation begins. I don’t know how much the body needs to survive. I do know that I love breakfast. You're going to be missing out on breakfast and lunch. There are snacks, such as Snickers and Chex party mix, and fruit pies. You'll be missing those. I love that Chex party mix with the pretzels. It’s like a salty non-cereal cereal. Amazing. I might even be missing out on a nice peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Thinking about not eating, that all seems so much tastier.
Eat it all before the fast. You don’t want to miss out on any meal because the Temple was destroyed. The pre-fast meal should be a full day’s worth of snack, pasta, cereal, pastry and whatever else causes a headache. That or sitting on the floor with an egg and ashes. I'm not going to judge. 
I am not knocking ashes. They just don’t fill me up. Ashes are not a staple in my diet. However, they are an excellent condiment.

Gorge After the Fast
The two pillars of the Jewish fast: gorging before and gorging after.
The goal of the fast is to put on weight. The gorging after technique allows you to catch up on any accidental loss of poundage. Allowing you to continue in your goal of being a good Jew. 
The post fast meal should consist of eggs, cream cheese and bagels. You should also fill up on all dairy products you missed when gorging before the fast. Eat quiches, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, blintzes and anything else you ate on Shavuot. Be sure to also have cheesecake. Remember, you're making up for all the food you did not eat that day. And that includes everything. 
The Temples were destroyed. We want to bookend that with food. Otherwise, there's no way you'll enjoy the commemorating the destruction.
Don’t let the fast day be the reason you don’t repent and become thin. I don’t know if kids are still starving in Japan, but we should think about them and eat. That is what my mother and Weird Al taught me.

It's about being a good Jew. Being heavy shows that you ate when your parents told you to, and that you have kept the mitzvah of delighting in the holidays and Shabbat. Everything else is commentary. That is what I say when people ask me to give over the whole Torah to them, on one leg.
The main idea is to not lose weight when you fast. Don't worry about the Temple. Just make sure you eat enough before and after the fast. ​It's that feeling of full that will initiate the building of the Third Temple.

Next time, we'll talk about different methods of not going hungry during the fast, and how to plan being sick, or your pregnancy, so you can eat. There is a lot more to learn. This Tisha BAv, focus on the Before and After Method.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to expensive Shabbat food during the week, another great Jewish board game, and some of Jerusalem in commemoration of the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he writes notes at the Kotel, and then crumples them up.

The Three Weeks are upon us, and we learn the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason. We must hate people basefully. And we have hated many this year, with good reason. They are annoying, and they deserve to be hated. This past year, I have found more annoying people to hate, and they all show up to shul. They're all part of the community.
In the vein of the Three Weeks, join me on this year's journey of finding ways to not hate these people at shul. Hopefully, they'll stop, and we'll have peace. In the meantime, let's work on justifying their behavior, in hopes that we will be able to hate them a bit less by understanding them. 
  
Huge Plate of Desserts, Loaded At Buffet
Oh. That's where it all went. Yes. I'm resentful. They took it all. Yes. There's no more mousse for you.
You must understand. They're thinking about the rest of their table. They're loading up for all the other people at their table, who don't realize they can get up and pick out their own Danish. That's what they told me, when I saw the huge pile of rugulach and a plastic bag in their pocket. 'It's for the table.' 
And why should their friends have to get up to pick out their food? You don't put on weight like that. What would be the point of the buffet then? 
This is why you don't spend Pesach at a hotel, with the community. Forget about Bar Mitzvahs. At Simchas, I don't even try to get the chocolate balls on a stick. One table has them all.
 
Their Siddur in Your Neck at Shul
They didn’t think that putting the prayer book on your chair would be felt by you, when you sat. Sticking the hardcover into your neck. Flipping the pages and your hair. Pushing the Siddur forward and back while they sway.
Why they leave it there, after you give a half-back-neck-turn look is beyond me. The half-back-neck-turn look is a clear admonition. They must have a reason for not caring about you.
For Shalom, peace amongst Jews, I once took the Siddur and smacked them. Education. People hated them less after I smacked them with their Siddur. I do what I can to bring Shalom.
 
Inching Their Plastic Chair Back in Shul
The shul is too poor to afford space and decent chairs.
There's no other way to make room for yourself. They have to push their chair into you, to make room for their Amidah (silent prayer). There isn't enough room for everybody to take three steps back in the section. Do you want them spending half hour piling up the chairs? Do you want to have to be part of an interior design team, figuring out building plans in the middle of prayers, so that the whole section can do the Amidah? 
As long as it's subtle, they're giving you a chance to not assume that they're moving their chair into you.
 
People that Still Get on My Back About COVID
I am sorry if I can't not shake people's hands and hug them. I am sorry if I still can't figure out what six feet is. I am sorry if you have to see my face. I hope that doesn't make me evil. But you've really got to calm down. You're making shul a really annoying place to be, with no membership. You can't get a Minyin if people aren't allowed to come. I'm not a scholar, but I figured that out myself.
You have to understand them. Maybe they're worried that you might be a republican.  

People Who Don't Share Your Political Views
Without them, you couldn't hate anybody. Without them, you couldn't call anybody a fool. Without them, you'd have nothing to post. These are people you should love. 
 
People Who Say ‘I am Offended’
Everybody in shul is offended now. See 'People Who Don't Share Your Political Views.'
I think I offended everybody this year. They were offended by my political beliefs, even though I didn't share my views. Something about the way I look says that I disagree with stupid. And that offends people.
Maybe they weren't educated. Wouldn't you be offended if you tried sharing a thought that made no sense? Wouldn't you be offended if you sponsored a Kiddish and David came to tell you that you shouldn't have purchased eight pounds of Kichel?

Doesn’t Move Away from the Kiddush Table
If they moved away from the table, then you might get to the choolante too. ​You would do the same thing if you got the spot.
 
Any Member of the Community
Hate them. You're going to hate them. Just find a decent reason, so it's not baseless. Maybe they were called up to open the ark, when you should've been. That's a reason to hate. As long as you're at shul, you're trying.

Person Screaming at the Person Reading the Torah
Maybe if the guy gets yelled at and reprimanded, he will prepare more next time. More people should be screaming at the Torah readers.

Guy Messing Up the Torah Reading
Pelt him.
Sorry. I can't find it in me to love him. He's slowing down the services and more time in shul causes more hatred. This is probably what happened at the end of the Second Temple period. The Levites were adding on songs, people were spending extra hours at the sacrifices, and fights broke out because the Gabai messed up whose lamb should be next.

Woman with Huge Hats at Shul
Maybe she's worried about the sun coming inside.

It's hard to not hate these people. I'm trying real hard. And there are more people to hate. It might be jealousy of the people with the huge plate of rugulach and Danish. And jealousy is also forbidden. But we must do what we can to not hate, even if we're stuck with the Kichel. 
Please know that all of these people deserve to be hated. They're the reason that we haven't witnessed the building of the Third Temple. Even so, let's do our part during this time of the Three Weeks, when we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Try not to hate them, so we can bring them closer to normal. Try. And remember, as long as your hatred is baseful, it's fine.
I am trying. I am trying to help bring redemption here. In the spirit of the Three Weeks and Shalom, may we witness a redemption without these annoying people.