​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to the joy of BBQs during the Nine Days, Tu BAv love and excitement of seeing your name on a Coke bottle in Hebrew, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how the only thing in Israel that excites him is a Coke bottle.

Tisha BAv is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. Many tragedies took place on this day, including the destruction of the Temples, due to our sins. Hence, on this day, we are awakened to repent as a people. As such, I worry about fasting.
What truly bothers me during this time of mourning is the idea of not being able to eat cream cheese and lox. Not even a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. After five hours of fasting, I'm not worried about the destruction of the Temples. I'm worried about starving. and even worse, losing weight.
This Tisha BAv, I don’t want you to be worried about not eating. I want to give you the tools to be focused on the destruction and how we can work towards the rebuilding of the next Temple. 
Today, we shall focus on pregaming the fast, and what to do afterwards.
 
Gorge Before the Fast
Eat a lot. This is the way to make it through a fast.
The tradition before Tisha BAv is to sit on the floor and to eat an egg and bread with ashes, to commemorate the destruction. I have never filled up on eggs and ashes. Thus, I have another meal before that, to commemorate the fear of eating an egg and bread, and the greater fear of not eating for a day. I also commomate chairs during that meal, by sitting on one.
You're not going to be eating for around twenty-five hours. I don’t know when starvation begins. I don’t know how much the body needs to survive. I do know that I love breakfast. You're going to be missing out on breakfast and lunch. There are snacks, such as Snickers and Chex party mix, and fruit pies. You'll be missing those. I love that Chex party mix with the pretzels. It’s like a salty non-cereal cereal. Amazing. I might even be missing out on a nice peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Thinking about not eating, that all seems so much tastier.
Eat it all before the fast. You don’t want to miss out on any meal because the Temple was destroyed. The pre-fast meal should be a full day’s worth of snack, pasta, cereal, pastry and whatever else causes a headache. That or sitting on the floor with an egg and ashes. I'm not going to judge. 
I am not knocking ashes. They just don’t fill me up. Ashes are not a staple in my diet. However, they are an excellent condiment.

Gorge After the Fast
The two pillars of the Jewish fast: gorging before and gorging after.
The goal of the fast is to put on weight. The gorging after technique allows you to catch up on any accidental loss of poundage. Allowing you to continue in your goal of being a good Jew. 
The post fast meal should consist of eggs, cream cheese and bagels. You should also fill up on all dairy products you missed when gorging before the fast. Eat quiches, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, blintzes and anything else you ate on Shavuot. Be sure to also have cheesecake. Remember, you're making up for all the food you did not eat that day. And that includes everything. 
The Temples were destroyed. We want to bookend that with food. Otherwise, there's no way you'll enjoy the commemorating the destruction.
Don’t let the fast day be the reason you don’t repent and become thin. I don’t know if kids are still starving in Japan, but we should think about them and eat. That is what my mother and Weird Al taught me.

It's about being a good Jew. Being heavy shows that you ate when your parents told you to, and that you have kept the mitzvah of delighting in the holidays and Shabbat. Everything else is commentary. That is what I say when people ask me to give over the whole Torah to them, on one leg.
The main idea is to not lose weight when you fast. Don't worry about the Temple. Just make sure you eat enough before and after the fast. ​It's that feeling of full that will initiate the building of the Third Temple.

Next time, we'll talk about different methods of not going hungry during the fast, and how to plan being sick, or your pregnancy, so you can eat. There is a lot more to learn. This Tisha BAv, focus on the Before and After Method.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to expensive Shabbat food during the week, another great Jewish board game, and some of Jerusalem in commemoration of the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he writes notes at the Kotel, and then crumples them up.

The Three Weeks are upon us, and we learn the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason. We must hate people basefully. And we have hated many this year, with good reason. They are annoying, and they deserve to be hated. This past year, I have found more annoying people to hate, and they all show up to shul. They're all part of the community.
In the vein of the Three Weeks, join me on this year's journey of finding ways to not hate these people at shul. Hopefully, they'll stop, and we'll have peace. In the meantime, let's work on justifying their behavior, in hopes that we will be able to hate them a bit less by understanding them. 
  
Huge Plate of Desserts, Loaded At Buffet
Oh. That's where it all went. Yes. I'm resentful. They took it all. Yes. There's no more mousse for you.
You must understand. They're thinking about the rest of their table. They're loading up for all the other people at their table, who don't realize they can get up and pick out their own Danish. That's what they told me, when I saw the huge pile of rugulach and a plastic bag in their pocket. 'It's for the table.' 
And why should their friends have to get up to pick out their food? You don't put on weight like that. What would be the point of the buffet then? 
This is why you don't spend Pesach at a hotel, with the community. Forget about Bar Mitzvahs. At Simchas, I don't even try to get the chocolate balls on a stick. One table has them all.
 
Their Siddur in Your Neck at Shul
They didn’t think that putting the prayer book on your chair would be felt by you, when you sat. Sticking the hardcover into your neck. Flipping the pages and your hair. Pushing the Siddur forward and back while they sway.
Why they leave it there, after you give a half-back-neck-turn look is beyond me. The half-back-neck-turn look is a clear admonition. They must have a reason for not caring about you.
For Shalom, peace amongst Jews, I once took the Siddur and smacked them. Education. People hated them less after I smacked them with their Siddur. I do what I can to bring Shalom.
 
Inching Their Plastic Chair Back in Shul
The shul is too poor to afford space and decent chairs.
There's no other way to make room for yourself. They have to push their chair into you, to make room for their Amidah (silent prayer). There isn't enough room for everybody to take three steps back in the section. Do you want them spending half hour piling up the chairs? Do you want to have to be part of an interior design team, figuring out building plans in the middle of prayers, so that the whole section can do the Amidah? 
As long as it's subtle, they're giving you a chance to not assume that they're moving their chair into you.
 
People that Still Get on My Back About COVID
I am sorry if I can't not shake people's hands and hug them. I am sorry if I still can't figure out what six feet is. I am sorry if you have to see my face. I hope that doesn't make me evil. But you've really got to calm down. You're making shul a really annoying place to be, with no membership. You can't get a Minyin if people aren't allowed to come. I'm not a scholar, but I figured that out myself.
You have to understand them. Maybe they're worried that you might be a republican.  

People Who Don't Share Your Political Views
Without them, you couldn't hate anybody. Without them, you couldn't call anybody a fool. Without them, you'd have nothing to post. These are people you should love. 
 
People Who Say ‘I am Offended’
Everybody in shul is offended now. See 'People Who Don't Share Your Political Views.'
I think I offended everybody this year. They were offended by my political beliefs, even though I didn't share my views. Something about the way I look says that I disagree with stupid. And that offends people.
Maybe they weren't educated. Wouldn't you be offended if you tried sharing a thought that made no sense? Wouldn't you be offended if you sponsored a Kiddish and David came to tell you that you shouldn't have purchased eight pounds of Kichel?

Doesn’t Move Away from the Kiddush Table
If they moved away from the table, then you might get to the choolante too. ​You would do the same thing if you got the spot.
 
Any Member of the Community
Hate them. You're going to hate them. Just find a decent reason, so it's not baseless. Maybe they were called up to open the ark, when you should've been. That's a reason to hate. As long as you're at shul, you're trying.

Person Screaming at the Person Reading the Torah
Maybe if the guy gets yelled at and reprimanded, he will prepare more next time. More people should be screaming at the Torah readers.

Guy Messing Up the Torah Reading
Pelt him.
Sorry. I can't find it in me to love him. He's slowing down the services and more time in shul causes more hatred. This is probably what happened at the end of the Second Temple period. The Levites were adding on songs, people were spending extra hours at the sacrifices, and fights broke out because the Gabai messed up whose lamb should be next.

Woman with Huge Hats at Shul
Maybe she's worried about the sun coming inside.

It's hard to not hate these people. I'm trying real hard. And there are more people to hate. It might be jealousy of the people with the huge plate of rugulach and Danish. And jealousy is also forbidden. But we must do what we can to not hate, even if we're stuck with the Kichel. 
Please know that all of these people deserve to be hated. They're the reason that we haven't witnessed the building of the Third Temple. Even so, let's do our part during this time of the Three Weeks, when we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Try not to hate them, so we can bring them closer to normal. Try. And remember, as long as your hatred is baseful, it's fine.
I am trying. I am trying to help bring redemption here. In the spirit of the Three Weeks and Shalom, may we witness a redemption without these annoying people.

*Written by Reb Mendelchem of Topeka to the acrostic of anger

We have been stuck in our homes.
Like a child who musteth see her parents every day.
​Woe. What has befallen us.
Woe to having to yell at your siblings.

We have had to hear people say 'During these times' for the past year and a half.
Woe. What has befallen this annoyance.

Minyin has dwindled.
Woe to those who love not going to shul.
Woe. What has happened to people using a pandemic to get out of services.
Woe to those who say that shuls are open. You're ruining people's lives. Shame.

Have not seen anybody's face. 
We thought we knew them. We were shocked.
Woe to those who think they know somebody else before their mask comes off.
Woe. What has befallen dating in 'these times.'
Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled.

Israel is closed again.
We have had to spend the last year and a half eating frozen falafel balls.
Woe. What has happened to all the restaurants I used to love.
Woe. Woe. Woe. 

Stimulus checks.
Woe to those who think going back to work is a good idea. 
Woe. What has befallen these fools who don't appreciate vacation.

​The most social day of the year is Tisha BAv.
Woe. What has befallen greeting people during these times.
Like a woman screaming at me for not wearing a mask.
Woe. What has befallen us.

We had to stay six feet away from everything.
Woe to those who don't know what six feet is.
Shame. Shame uponeth them. Castigation uponeth them. Shall they never shopeth again.

We have judged others who smile.
Woe to those who try to be friendly.
Shame. Shame uponeth them.

We have said 'Shalom' and been castigated.
Woe uponeth those who are friendly in 'these times.'

One should not greet on Tisha BAv.
Woe. The Second Temple was destroyed because people didn't get along.
​Woe. How does that work.
Woe to those who are not rude.
Woe beith the Tisha BAv that fits in with 'these times.'

Had to celebrate all Simchas outside.
Woe unto those who did notith put up tents.
Woe to rain at every event.
Woe. What has happened to warming of the earth.

We had to hear different ideas of what this pandemic is every day.
Woe. Why do people listen to their government.
Woe to anybody who tells me what to do. May they be six feeteth away so they don't get hurt.

Woe to any of my friends who told me that I was not keeping the laws of COVID correctly.
Woe unto those who keep the laws of COVID but don't keep Shabbat.
Woe. What has happened to people becoming very annoying.

Woe to those who have not beeneth vaccinated.
Let the wrath of the heavens poureth uponeth them. Lest they decide to go outside and be people.

The gym has been closed.
​That is my excuse.
Woe. What has happened to putting on weight when I am not eating.
I have barely eaten anything.
Woe. How does that happen.
Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled.

The closing of nursing facilities.
Woe to anyone who hugs a loved one over the age of 50.
Shame and wrath be uponeth them.

People who love their grandparents. Shame! Shame upon you!
Woe to all who feel grandparents are important.
Woe to all who thinketh they should not die.
Woe. What has happened to people caring. Shame be uponeth them.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened.
Woe to anybody who says that. May they be smacked and their mask removedeth from uponeth them.

Kids have been at home, learning less from school than Nickelodeon.
Schools open five days awake.
Who said that. Shameth. Shameth be uponeth them.

Double masking.
Woe. What has happened to not suffocating one's self.
Woe to our glasses that are notith fogging up.

CDC guidelines.
Woe. What are they and why do we careth.
Woe to my dentist who made me wear my mask. I still don't know how they got to my teeth.
Woe. How is a dentist to do their job when following CDC guidelines.

Zoom.
Woe. What has happened to people listening to what is going on.
Woe unto those who still use social media as an excuse to not show up to the Simcha.
Woe. What has happened to pants.
Woe to anybody who asks somebody else on a Zoom call if they have been vaccinated. You cannot ban them from social media too.

We have seen people who haven't shaved in months. 
Is Shloshim not thirty days. Have we notith passed the pandemic of masking.
Woe. What has happened to people shaving.
Woe. Woe. Woe. How much more must we mourn. 
Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled.

Woe. What has happened to being able to cough and not being looked at as evil.
Woe to those who sneezeth in public. 
Woe. Shame uponeth those who have allergies. Shame. Vaccinateth uponeth them.

A year of supermarkets being the only place we could goeth.
Woe. What has happenedeth to the local convenience store with the guy who sneezes.

We have sanitized everything.
Woe unto those who do not wipe down everything.
Shame. Shame. Shame to those who don't use Purell.
Woe. Why does Purell runeth our government.
Woe. Why does the person cleaning the shul never vacuum. 
Woe. Why doeseth the Siddur need to be sanitized daily.

Woe. What has happened to the washing of hands.
Woe. What has happened to our rituals.

Like a child who must listen to the same jokes about COVID and Zoom from every person they meet. 
It is because of our sins that our senseth of humor has been exiled.
Woe. What has befallen us during 'these times.'

I am told that hatred is wrong. Whether I agree with that or not isn't important. For the sake of Tisha BAv I will put my feelings aside.
The three week period prior to the destruction of the Temples is upon us and the rabbis tell us that the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. We must stop that. You need decent reason to hate. You don't just hate somebody because they're your neighbor. If they take your newspaper, then you hate them.
We don't need any more destruction. Hence, I would like to provide you with some ways to look at annoying people differently. We have to stop judging and start understanding. Along with hating people basefully, judging favorably can bring love and peace.
Here are some ways to understand the annoying. Do it this Tisha BAv for the sake of the redemption of the Jewish people:

People who Cut in Front of you in Line
How you should see it: They have something important to do. They have to get somewhere. Do you need to run more errands? Probably not. They do. And you're out there joy shop[ing for milk. Maybe they were there yesterday, and that was their spot beforehand. Maybe they left somebody in the car and you are saving a life. Maybe they are trying to finally have some human interaction and they are sick of having to be six feet away from you. So, they cut you in line, and are now six feet in front of you.
Who is really the selfish one here?! 

Store with a ‘Going Out of Business Sale’ Sign up for Two Years
This man has been struggling for over two years. Fighting through it all, while still having sales on all items. He is not lying. He is trying to go out of business, and because of his '50% off - we're closing tomorrow' sign, you're not letting him. Again, I ask, who is thinking about themself here?!

Middle Eastern People Scooping from the Collective Humus Platter with Their Pita & Hand
They are sharers. You're sitting at dinner together and they are bringing the bread braking to the next level. You're now scooping Humus together and they're cleaning the platter for you.

Server who is Not Smiling
They have too much business, and now you're going to order dinner too. You're very needy. Why are you not apologizing?

Guy who Smells Bad on Bus
He’s claustrophobic. He needs his own seat, and he’s prepared.

People Who Disagree With Your Political Views
You have to hate somebody. Who else are you going to call a racist?

People who Give You Unsolicited Advice
Maybe you didn't know that ‘drinking coffee’ can help wake you up. Sometimes you are on a diet, and other people do not realize it. That is why they say, ‘You are overweight.’ Here is somebody who is coming along for you, the single person, letting you know, ‘It is not good to be lonely.’ Advice is always good. Who else is going to note your flaws?

The Falafel Guy with Unclean Hands
That is where the taste is coming from. You should be thanking him. Without his hands, you would not taste the curry. That's where the curry taste truly comes from.

The Person who Shows up to Gym with Unlaundered Clothes
The clothes are going to get dirty anyways. Not everybody comes from your country, where Tide is a good smell.
They may also be claustrophobic. Why they don't clean the machine after they leave, I cannot answer.

Guy Who Puts his Leg in Your Chair on Plane or Bus
Who is to say, that is your chair? Why is it in front of that guy, if it's yours? Now they're asking what gives you the right to lean back, and to not sit at a ninety degree angle on the flight. 
​If their leg wasn't in your back, they would be less comfortable, and you wouldn't be sitting straight. It seems to me that you're being the selfish one here. And this guy's knee is helping your posture.

The Tall Person Sitting in Front of You at the Movie
Tall people should be allowed to watch movies too. You cannot ban them from the theater. It would be wrong to force them to sit in the back row. History shows us that some people would consider that discrimination. Taller people than you are a people too.

People Who Smoke in Public
They're sharing the cigarette benefits with you. You don't even have to bum one to get the smell on your clothes. Bumming cigarettes is annoying.

People Who Don’t Leave Messages and Expect You To Call Them Back
Everybody should assume they're important.

People Singing in Synagogue After the Prayer is Done
Everybody enjoys the lyrics ‘Nay Nay Nay.’ Our people have been singing that for centuries, even when nobody knew the prayers. ‘Nay Nay Nay’ are words of inspiration. The Beatles were inspired by those lyrics too. Without ‘Nay Nay Nay…’ ‘Hey Jude’ would've been over in two minutes.

People Who Play Guitar Around the Camp Fire
The guitar is made out of wood. See the positive.

People Who Look at You and Don't Say ‘Hello’
You think they are rude. They're just engaging you in a game of stare.

Your Neighbors Above You in the Apartment Building
They shouldn't be there. Being that they are there, we have to accept that your neighbors have to eat. I've complained to the landlord about neighbors having dinner. It doesn't work.
You may want them to stop chewing because you can hear that, along with their walking. Even so, they might choke, and then their coughing will wake you up.
Then I have to hear the mom telling them they have to chew eighteen times. It's hard to not hate these people.

Your Neighbors who Leave their Garbage Outside their Front Door
Why should their house smell? That is quite selfish of you. Maybe they will take it down to the garbage at some point, if you don’t. Always see the positive.

People Who Sit with Their Phone at Dinner
Your conversation as a family member is not interesting. Why should anybody have to sit down to dinner without their friends?! There might be an emergency in a teenager’s life. They might have a friend who just realized they are going to a movie. There might be a new game out. A guy might have said ‘Hi’ to a young girl. That's a life changer.

Children Who Leave Their Parents in Senior Citizens Home and Not Visiting
They already did their job. You are not going to get anything else out of them. Why should they have to have them around anymore?

Children Who Scream and Run Outside Your Door, While You Are Trying to Sleep
Running inside the home is excellent exercise. You're raising healthy children who enjoy keeping their parents up.
Most importantly, if you don’t allow them to run, one day, they might end up baselessly hating you and leave you in a senior citizens home.

Take these lessons for Tisha BAv. We understand that it may be hard to judge favorably the rest of the year. We're suggesting one day. Hate people after Tisha BAv. Let's make this a beautiful and giving Tisha BAv of love for all fellow people. After Tisha BAv you have till Yom Kippur to get mad at them again.