BILL 2 – People Must Work the Month of Tishrei Even if There are Holidays in September and October

Act
Force people to work on work days.

Problem
Nobody works from Rosh Hashana till the week after Sukkot.
a) My electricity was out in my place. The electric people couldn’t come till after Sukkot. They said it was a holiday, and they were angry that I disturbed the holiday for them. The electric people were enjoying the holidays. I believe they had electricity.
b) They just got off summer vacation. 
​c) How do they have sick days too?
d) The people I need help from see the summer through the holidays as a straight vacation. Even when the holidays go through October.
e) Garbage doesn’t get picked up. Sanitation said they have a right to vacation too.
f) I heard the school year started, but I saw no kids in school all of September or October.
g) The week after Sukkot is not a holiday.

Solution
Work on the days that are not holidays. If there is a holiday in a month, that does not make the whole month a holiday.
a) No countrywide conspiracy to get out of work for a whole month.
b) No more unions in government supported agencies. The union and the government together with holidays, these people are never working.
c) No more non-religious people claiming they are religious for September and October. I do Teshuva every Yom Kippur. I think this is a scam.
d) People who work for the government cannot make up random rules that ruin my life, like a dedicated piece of the Tel Aviv beach for Matkot. 
e) Choose if you want off for the summer or the whole first month of the school year. You get a choice. You can’t have both. Nobody cares if you have to cook for your family. When their water stopped and they can’t pay the bill because nobody is taking calls, they don't care about your extra vacation… With this in mind, we are going to introduce the concept of shifts. The idea is that some people work on days when other people need to take off. This way I don’t get screwed, and the garbage gets taken. And ELAL remains an airline next September.
f) People who work for the government have to work, sometimes. I understand that's not going to be a popular part of the bill that government will have to pass. Let’s add this here- People who work for the government have to know what their job is, and what they're doing. If you work for Mas Hachnasa (Israel Tax Authority) and you give a fine, you have to know what that fine is for. It can't be a decision you came up with because you don't like Davids. Even if that's how you decided you shouldn't be working the month of September, how my name causes so much revolution is beyond me.
g) Start school in October. The two days of school in September are not enough time to teach our traditions of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and how to scam days off work. And don’t tell me that knowing how to make a paper chain means you learned about Sukkot.
h) No more summer vacation. They are not working anyways. Better yet, no more vacation.
i) When January comes around, you can’t claim that we are close to the southern hemisphere and we should be vacationing now too.
j) Introduce Labor Day to the guy at my Makolet, so he knows that he should start working normal hours again. When they see the holidays they think there's another vacation. 

BILL 1 – Streets Must Have Same Street Name on Same Street

Act
To give streets uniform street signs with the same name, continuing on a street for more than a block.

Problem
I can’t figure out what street I am on half the time.
a) King George does not need eight different names. People get lost trying to continue straight, just trying to figure out if it is the same street.
b) I can’t give directions to people in Jerusalem, telling them, ‘Continue straight onto Strauss St., and then straight onto King George St., and straight onto Keren HaYesod St. Then continue straight onto Emeq Refaim St. And then, continue straight, with a tiny bear to the right, which is straight on Yochanan Ben Zakai St. And then straight at the roundabout, which is right, but straight, to Pat...’ I cannot justify how that is all one street, by explaining that it is still King George, even though it's not. Even Waze can’t figure what straight it is, at that point.

Solution
One street name per street.
a) Find other ways to honor citizens and historical figures that no child knows. Though they should know the names of Israel’s presidents, Talmudic figures and those of the Bible, our street signs do not need to be used as educational tools. Street signs will be used as ways of helping traffic flow better, and a useful tool for finding my friend Mark’s house, on Emeq Refaim.
School will be used to educate the children.
b) History class must provide historical textbooks, with historical figures, so that students don’t have to tour the city anymore to learn who Miriam, Rebbe Zeira and Ben Gurion were. Which also slows down traffic.
c) Plaques. Give people plaques. That is how you honor them. That is what shuls do. Find a spot in Jerusalem and fill it with plaques. I understand that many synagogues have a problem with this, because too many people die; even so, they find room. I believe we can take away one of the walls of the Nachlaot area of Jerusalem, which people hanging out in the shuk have designated as a place to pee late at night, and we can make the wall holy and memorable, with plaques. I do suggest we clean it. The Kotel also has a lot of space. Thank God, that is not in Nachlaot.
d) No honoring anybody that was born within the last sixteen hundred years. We have too much history in the Holy Land. We are still having a hard time finding new streets for the rabbis from the Talmud and the first destruction of the Temple.
We have stuff from 3,000 years ago. Let’s focus on that for a bit. We should be honoring Pinchas Ben Elazar Ben Aharon. Why is there no Pinchas Street? The corner between Yochanan Ben Zakai and Pat should be Pinchas Street. He deserves it.
e) Keep street names for a street, as that street continues. No changing street names every half a block. The names will remain the same, even if we have to use house numbers that go into the hundreds.

A future bill will deal with roundabouts and numbers of buildings jumping from 2 to 6 to 149 to 38, on the same side of the street.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Purim and Putin with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing more offensiveness.

We are voting again in Israel. This is only the fourth election for this election. If we’re lucky, there’ll be another election for this election.
In Israel we vote for parties who then decide if they want to join forces. They need to get 61 of 120 Members of Knesset to agree to form a government. Unfortunately, the only thing that these Members of Knesset will agree on is that we are probably going to have another election.
Here are some of the reasons why we Israelis vote a lot and love it:

We Love the Word “Coalition”
It sounds sophisticated.

We like Getting Text Messages from Politicians
Everybody likes getting texts. It makes us feel wanted. We don’t know these people, but it’s exciting to hear that beep and see that Bibi’s getting in touch with me again. He wants me to vote for him. He’s very needy, always texting me. I would block him, but I feel like we are bonding.
These texts are more exciting than the stuff I get from my friends. I just got one that said it’s a mitzvah to vote. My friends aren’t creating new Jewish laws. Only politicians can do that.

We Enjoy That Blue Memory Game Set
In order to vote we have to pick out the white cards that signify our party of choice from the blue case and put them in a white envelope and then into a blue box. We love this because it’s very Zionistic.
It’s also a fun game to try and find the correct letters of your party. They make it even more exciting by giving you letters to choose from that have nothing to do with the name of the party. It’s fun figuring out how a letter like “z” represents the Likud party.

We Need a Day Off
This is the country’s way of finally giving us a Sunday. For those who are unaware, Sunday is a regular work day in Israel and some Israelis (me) complain about this mercilessly. Israel’s way of a giving us a day off every five or six months is to let us vote. What are we voting for? Sundays.

Voting is a Holiday
It’s a festival. We love the joyous feeling. Every voting day people are nice. They say “shalom.” They give you stickers. They smile at you. I would vote every day if that meant that the guy working the bodega didn’t look angry when I went to pick up milk.
Who doesn’t love stickers?! You get a smiley with the name of the party with the politicians you hate. You get to walk around and wear the sticker and people say the Israeli adage kol hakavod (“all the honor) because they think you gave blood.
You know what I would love? Scratch and sniff stickers. Every party would have its own scent. Election Day would smell like a trip to the department store.

The Country is Accomplishing Stuff
This is actually the Israeli Peoples’ secret plan to keep the politicians from being involved in running our country. The government is finally doing something. When the government is not being run by people, they get stuff done. The garbage is being picked up. Construction around the country is at an all-time high. Another company with the name Maccabi was started. That’s how I judge progress in Israel, when another agency acquires the name “Maccabi.”
Once politicians form a Knesset, it’s over. They get their committees going. That’s how you halt progress, with committees. That’s how you end something good, you meet about it. Just ask your shul’s ritual committee.

We Believe Every Party Should Have a Chance to Win
We embrace the millennial ideology. Everybody’s a winner. The first time it was Blue and White. Last time it was Likud. We should get Kadima in there and give them another chance to be winners.

People Change Their Minds
Can you imagine if you voted once and that was it? I can’t. That would mean that my decision was final. I can’t take that pressure. It’s the same reason I can’t walk into an ice cream parlor. Too much pressure. There are too many choices. If I take the Butter Nut Supreme and it’s not a tasting spoon, I’m stuck with it. I don’t want to be stuck with my decisions.  
Politicians change their minds too. They were representing the Russian immigrants. Now it’s about lowering taxes. Then it was fudge brownie ice cream. Now they must vote on the comfortable Knesset seats. People lose their minds to get those things. They’re very plush.

Parties Have to Negotiate
Have you ever been to the shuk? Have you ever negotiated in the Middle East? Negotiations for a darbuka hand drum can take a good half hour. That costs anywhere from fifteen dollars to five hundred dollars, depending on how much time you have to negotiate. Now imagine you are negotiating for the soul of Israel or at least a much larger darbuka.
​These parties have to now join together on foreign policy and make decisions on domestic rules such as if Maccabi should be the name for everything in Israel. We don’t take this lightly.

We Like Second Chances
If second chances are good, shouldn’t third and fourth chances be better? Too many people make mistakes when voting the first time. They’re ill informed. Now, we get to vote again and again and make a mistake this time too, just a different mistake.

By the Time I Vote Again I Might Know What is Going On
I don’t know the difference between Likud and New Right or Labor and Kadima anymore. Truth: I just go into the booth and pick a white card with a letter on it. I have no idea what it means. It’s a Hebrew “Reish” and it represents “green.” There’s a Hebrew “Pei” and “Lamed” and that is the Israel is our Home Party. I really don’t know. I pick a different one each time. It looks like the memory game. I was never good at that game. And I was never good at Hebrew. I just hope my vote does not make a difference.
​
If anybody is giving out scratch and sniffs, representing Sundays and decent deals on darbukas, I am voting for them.