I've got to tell you about this. I never knew the power of my Yarmulke till this open mic. I thought my Yarmulke was supposed to remind me about Gd. I didn't know it was supposed to get other people mad.

The Story
I sat down at the bar and ordered a Diet Coke on the rocks. I'm not a loser.

This young girl was performing her piece at the open mic in Buffalo. She was old enough to know that Jews should be killed. She had been to college. She had Jewish professors. And she had traveled to France, so she knew about Israel.
As part of her piece she was going off on the "genocide of the Palestinian people." I sat there shocked. Who are these Palestinian people she speaks of? Who was doing this to these Palestinian people? I must stop them. Now. I had just shared laughs with some Arabs in Israel. I am assuming some of them identify as Palestinians. I would hope nobody is doing anything to them. But she was adamant that there was a genocide going on somewhere.
I didn't know if that was part of the song or not. There was no music accompaniment. Maybe it was one of those music storyteller shows where they leave out the music. They get so excited about the story and they forget it's a concert. And she was really getting into this story. She started talking about Israelis being the devil. She was very passionate about that.
I was trying to figure out what she was talking about. And I couldn't figure out how to respond. Everybody loves a good story. What am I going to do? Start yelling at her for her creativity? Shake her up and mess up the story? Maybe she was speaking about the genocide of the Palestinians that lived 4,000 years ago; the start of the Palestinian people and their documented history as a state.

She started speaking of this utopian society where women could frolic and get raped. And finally, rape would be supported. There would be no more judgment of the beheading of little children. A paradise where genocide would finally be defined as defending one's people against enemies who are trying to murder everyone in their nation. She was speaking of a Messianic Palestinian time of redemption. It was a beautiful story, delivered with emotion and tears, setting up the song "Zombie," written in support of the Palestinian people who had to deal with the ruthless British in Ireland. Everybody clapped. The story was amazing. How she intertwined the need to kill all Jews in the utopia which was Palestinian Ireland. It was brilliant. To be honest, I think I even clapped. It was the most creative story. Innovative, ingenious, original.
At least now I knew where the Palestinian genocide was happening. In Ireland.
The story was brilliant, but I felt for those who identify as Palestinian. Did they really feel rape was fine? And she continued with "the day of joy when Jews were dragged through the streets and finally burned. A day in which cheers were had by all." She left some of that part out. Her friends were disappointed. They were hoping for more of the story of Satan the Jew. They wanted to hear more of this utopian ridding of the Jews, as the crowd were pacifists and believed in love of all.
So, she cried for the twelve million reported Gazan deaths and went into the song.

How Do I Respond
My Jewish side and love of my nation and people kicked in. I thought this was wrong, even if it was a story. If you're going to tell a story, tell it correctly. I was bothered she didn't throw the Black Plague into this. If she was going to tell this story with any facts, she would've mentioned how Jews make it a point of drinking blood. Which is Kosher if it's from nonJewish children and Shechted just right.

I didn't know if I could argue against stuff that doesn't exist. I simply sat there, took off my winter hat, and there was my Kippah.
She finished her song on behalf of the Cranberries who wrote it for the Palestinian people of Ireland and everybody clapped. Cheers were heard throughout the streets of Buffalo. "What a piece. The Palestinians of Gaza should be allowed their Gd given right to behead toddlers and burn them with pride. It's their tradition and the Jewish people of Israel have the Chutzpah to try to stop it. Genocide!!! They're committing genocide. Why do the Israelis have an issue with Hamas using their own children in a war? They're their children. Should not all soldiers be protected by their children???" And the story somehow turned real.
That last line was good. You felt that.

They Were Offended
Taking to the cheers and claps she looked to the side and saw me sitting there, with my Kippah. My presence offended all. I killed the brilliant rendition of the Cranberries. No. It was my Kippah. My Kippah was screaming at them and they were offended. The Kippah. That Chutzpan.

Open mic girl's hatred for me was felt. I went to the bathroom and as I came back, with my Kippah still on my head, her friends went to check on her. They saw my Kippah and they were bothered that nobody knocked it off.
Her and all of her friends were having talks about me. "Did he approach you?" They wanted to know if I hit on her. Another act of genocide.
She responded, "No. But his Yarmulke did. And his Yarmilke had a whole lot to say. Perched there, arguing with me. The audacity of the Yarmulke. It even said that his people only want peace and to protect the innocent lives. His Yarmulke told me the Israeli army even knocks on doors and tries to protect the non-terrorist Palestinians who want to kill his people, by letting them know they have to attack the area. Chutzpah. Knocking on doors."

Before I got up for my piece she asked the MC, "Is he going up." And then she ran out with her friends. Crying. "How can they let a Jew sing?! This is America. I thought this was the land of freedom and acceptance. I hate this country."

She was offended by my Kippah. She saw my Kippah and she couldn't argue against it. My Kippah made the bar a not safe space. The presence of the Yarmulke made the bar non-inclusive.
I was thus quarantined to sit at the bar alone. They almost kicked me out, as my Kippah was arguing too much, and very loudly. Quite disruptive. 
Thank Gd, they didn't kick me out. They were going to kick out my Kippah, but my Kippah didn't break any rules. It just said that Jews are a good, kind and caring people, that hate having to go to war and defend against terror.
Kippahs can be very loud. Especially, the Bucharian ones.

My Performance
When they all left, I asked her friend with the Kafeya, "Is it because I'm Jewish?... You don't have to leave because I'm Jewish. I know we can't dance." He smiled. I didn't know where he stood, as he was wearing his Kafeya on his shoulders. I didn't know if that was an American tradition or or an Arab tradition. It seems like most American college students wear Kafeyas on their shoulders. A style thing.
I know it's not an Arab tradition to wear the Kafeya on the head. Maybe it's a Middle Eastern tradition to wear the Kafeya as a shawl when the weather gets really cold in Ireland. That's probably where it started.

I was amazed at the protest against me and my people in a small bar in Buffalo, New York. But I wore that Kippah with pride and sung some songs about people getting along. "Sing along, even if you're Christian. Be happy that you come from a Jew. Because Gd might love you too. Because you come from a Jew. Sing along, even if you're Muslim. Be happy that you believe in one Gd too. Because Gd might love you too. If you know a Jew..." Peace was the message, and the few sitting there turned into lovers of all. Not lovers of terrorists. Lovers of people. Gd might love them too now.
And they all sung and clapped for me. Everybody except for the Zombie and her friends. They were outside crying that Jews are allowed to sing. In solidarity of all humans, they wanted the Jew out. She wanted to get rid of the Israeli.
In her defense, I was occupying a seat at the bar.

Notes
When I got back from the bathroom, I didn't drink my Diet Coke. I am aware of what story time can do to your drink when you're wearing a Kippah.
I did introduce my songs of peace with, "I will not create any new definitions of genocide. Nor will I talk about genocide. Such as the Armenian genocide, perpetrated by the Young Turks." I am guessing she got her story from story time with Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks. I had one of those moments of political brilliance and little knowledge. You can share that with your friends.

Postscript About the Kippah
The Kippah is a real buzz killer. There was somebody sitting there with a Yarmulke, killing the performance. It bothered them so much that, because of Israel, they couldn't defile him and burn him at a bar in Buffalo.
If the bouncer was doing his job, he would've kicked out the Kippah. Yarmulkes are loud. They yell, “I am still here.” And that is offensive to anti-Semites.

Now I know why I wear a Kippah. And that is to piss people off.

Mahmoud Abbas was educated at the University of Damascus. Studied law where he learned the legal right to create history.
Fatah has spent time under Abbas ensuring that they have a history, and I support that. It's not an easy task, and Abbas has taken it on. Much respect.
Abbas has taught that Big Ben was stolen from Palestine. A well-known fact, the clock was placed at Westminster Palace in 1858, after being stolen from Hebron in 1922. He has also empowered his people with knowledge of the Israeli aggressors, who use sharks to attack Gaza. The violent aggressors who trained wild pigs to destroy their fields in the settlements, Israelis also train rats to only bite Arabs. Which, if I may say is the greatest act of modern-day warfare.

I am here to help with more "Palestinian History" and propaganda about the "Israeli Aggressors."
The PLO has done a brilliant job of creating a history that did not exist. Let's help with more history for the Palestinians and their heritage of discovering the Western World.

More Palestinian History You Didn't Know
The Statue of Liberty was made by Palestinians in the year 1304 CE. They delivered it to Jaffa. Then the Americans stole it.

The Arabs built up Tel Aviv from nothing. Then Israelis stole the hotels. The huge breakfast served at Israeli hotels is Arab heritage, known as the Adhan.
It turns out that Israelis stole Mezuzahs from the Muezzin. Mezuzahs are a small Muezzin.

In 1492 Saleem sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. His ships. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, were built in Gaza. And they traveled from the Mediterranean Sea. They first discovered Cyprus. And then America. Not many people know that Cyprus was first discovered in 1492.

The Palestinian people colonized many countries. A history they are very proud of.
The first colonizers of South Africa were Palestinians. Very light-skinned Palestinians.

Waterloo. That was them. Arafat led the charge.

Astrodome. Their idea. They built it.

Byzantine Empire was the Palestinian people's. Byzantine is ancient Greek for Palestinian.

Arafat received the Torah at Mount Sinai, and then took it to Lebanon when the Hashemite Kingdom rejected it. Another piece of Palestinian history we are very proud of.

Queen Esther was a Palestinian girl named Fahid. Her uncle, Mordechai, was really Mamoosh. The Jews stole that story from Mahmoud Abbas. He can prove that.

I left out much of the Palestinian historical facts, such as their building of the Great Wall of China. Which was first known as the Great Wall of Gaza. Which the Chinese stole, brick by brick, in the year 9,427 BCE, around 67.995 million years after the Palestinians first claimed autonomy to their homeland in Uzbekistan, which is modern day Israel.

Palestinian Facts of Israeli Aggressors
The Palestinians are the strongest nation, since the dawn of time. As early as sixty-eight million years ago, when Farid rode a stegosaurus rex to the Temple in Jericho on a motorcycle, Palestinians were already conquering the world. Yet. They have to deal with the Israeli aggressors. Too much aggression.
To note. Palestinians created choppers and that was stolen too. By Israelis.

Israelis have trained chickens to give salmonella poisoning to the people of Ramallah only.

The Jews use the Purim packages, known as Mishloach Manot, to transport thimble sized alcohol that can blow up Arabs. But they give it to Jews, and it doesn’t blow up. Go figure how the Israeli aggressors work.

Israelis birthed around 175k kids in 2024, so they will have more soldiers to fight in the war. The first word of an Israeli child is "I am a colonizer." And then the babies train pacifiers to pass on poison to Arab babies. The poison pacifiers make sure to only sell themselves to Arab Muslim kids.
Shark Tank is a ploy to overtake Palestinian Villages the settlements, known by the colonizers as the West Bank. Jordan is run by Jews.

Palestine was an autonomous state with its own people. Sixty-eight million years of autonomy till the Jews claimed falafel and shwarma as theirs.

The Israelis are not the Israelis. I believe Abbas did say this.
The real Israelis are the people living in Manila. Very bothersome, as the people living in the Philippines are truly the aggressors here. And that is Palestinian history and how they dealt with the Israeli aggressors.
I hope this all makes sense.

Last fact of Israeli aggressors: Jews implanted explosives in pagers to blow up members of Hezbollah. Now it all makes sense. Abbas' is definitely right about the sharks.

Conclusion
To learn more about Palestinian history, I would suggest purchasing a book. I saw a history book selling on Amazon. It was empty. Pages were blank, expressing the rich and honest history of the Palestinian people and their ancestors.

They're still accusing Israel of aggression. So, I figured I would put together some of the arguments against the lies again. It's a tradition to re-argue against the lies every half a year. We have to do this almost as often as we vote in Israel.
If accusing Israel of stuff they didn't do bothers you, I’m guessing antisemitism bothers you. Good luck. In the meantime, here are some myths I noticed surfacing this year. I’ll give you some ways of debunking them so you can be friends with people that hate you again.
I apologize if you're offended by my calling terrorists.

Genocide
Fools are calling Jewish defense of Israel genocide.
You're truly not trying to kill a people when you're knocking on their doors, warning them you're planning a surprise attack.
Israel is always trying to give warning to civilians to get out. Israeli soldiers are knocking on doors, "Excuse me. Just wanted to say 'Shalom.' We hear there is a terrorist in your house. We didn't want to disturb anybody. Pleases let them know we're attacking tomorrow at 12:13pm, to be exact. It's a surprise attack. Might be a couple minutes late. We don't want to shock anybody." And most of the time, out of politeness, the soldiers ring the bell.
They're dropping flyers with information on where to go. Inviting the terrorists to rock concerts. It's the most friendly attack. We send leaflets letting them know there's a terrorist living in their home. We announced on the radio that people were drilling under their homes, just in case they didn't contract for renovations. We didn't want the Gazans to have to pay for work on their home they didn't want. Israel even calls their cellphones, just in case their kids never call. First rule in honoring your parents is you call.
We have commanders on loud speakers. "Everybody get out of the area. We're going to be bombing here. If you're a member of Hamas, now is the time. The IDF will be here tomorrow... Sorry. We didn't mean to wake anybody up. We’re sorry if we’re disrupting any production of explosives. Keep safe. Toodeloo."
And the people of Gaza have multiplied eightfold since 1948. Now numbering over two million people who are trying to kill us.

Torture
They're saying Israeli soldiers are torturing the prisoners.
Singing "Am Yisrael Chai" is not torture, even if they're doing that Hora hand dance with it. Singing a song about the Jewish people and our ancestors living is not an evil act, even if the UN calls it a war crime. That's unless if the people from my shul are singing. My community singing anything is wrong. Very off tune.
I must admit, the hand dance does come off as gloating.

There Was a Palestinian State
No. There wasn't. Never.

Rape is Fine if It's Against Jews
No. It's not. At least I don't think so. I might be wrong here. I don't associate with the feminist movement.

FIDF is Anti-Israeli Soldiers
FIDF stands for Friends of the Israel Defense Forces. I also thought it was against the IDF when I heard it the first time. It's not 'F the.'

Jews Try to Be Funny
Jews take a chance at being funny.
Fact: Sometimes they're not.

Israelis are Aggressors
They claim Jews are aggressors.
Have you ever seen Israeli Folk Dancing? You can't be an aggressor while dancing like that. You can't do a "Mayim BSason" twirl and scare people.
We've been accused of being aggressors ever since we got attacked in the late 1800s for making Israel livable. Sorry. Palestine. I didn't mean to offend anybody's hatred of Jews.
It seems like some of the Arabs and BBC don't understand the definitions the way I do. Correctly. The way the dictionary defines the words. The meaning of the words that they are using. With punctuation used. The intended application. The English language.
They're calling Jews aggressors for dancing. Saying Jews have committed genocide by trying to save lives of people who are housing terrorists. Maybe they just understand English differently. English is not their first language. Nor is it the New York Times'.

Apartheid
This must mean "allowing foreign people to come into your land and work, even if they want to kill you." I believe that's the Oxford definition.

ELAL is Giving Deals
No. ELAL is charging as much as possible. Fact. They are loving the war.

The Death Toll in Gaza is...
I believe the death toll is up to 12 million Gazans now.
I'm not making fun of death. Innocent people dying is a tragedy. I'm trying to understand arithmetic and how more people have been killed than there are.
They're throwing numbers out there and the BBC and CNN are going with it. You can't just say people are dying if they don't exist. Again, I'm feeling stupid. Metaphysically, someone who was never born is dead. That must be it. Over ten million Gazans were never born because of Israel. I'm just not as spiritually in touch as news anchor.
We need death rules: a) You have to be dead to be considered dead. b) You can't die more than once. You die. That's it. You're dead. I saw one kid die fourteen times. It's a tragedy. Fourteen of them. And I feel bad for the kid. c) You can't not be dead and be dead. I saw a video where the guy was laying there, dead. He then, flipped the sheet off, reached up and got a Coke from his friend. The hardship that guy went through. Do you know what it's like to be dead with a parched throat. To think he had an itch under the sheet as well. A dead person shouldn't know of such things. Another dead guy jumped off the stretcher at his own funeral and started running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I believe that was number 13 million and 2. Another million have died since publishing this article. Hamas reported it.

People Like Carlebach Minyins
Myth: Some people like to sing for five hours in shul. Fact: It turns out Jews want to get out of shul.
Speaking of crimes against our people. If Israelis were making the Gazans sit through a Carlebach service, I would side with the UN.

Occupiers
They say Jews are occupiers. They say that us being in Israel is "the occupation."
My father A"H told me that his mother always said that "a Jewish boy should have a good occupation."
Anything sounds bad when you add "the" in there. "The vote." When was that? It ruined so many lives. If they just called it "Nakba" they'd be celebrating. They'd be thanking Jordan, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon. Even the Egyptians. It's the fact that they always say "The Nakba."

Israel Has Elections All the Time
That's true.

The People of Gaza are Innocent
They say the people who voted for Hamas have nothing to do with Hamas.
Is this why they were cheering when they heard Jews were killed. Is this why they were having parties when they saw an Israeli woman raped. Sorry. I don't have a joke for this one yet.
Arab villages in the settlements had fireworks going off on October 7th. It seemed like thousands of people got married specifically that night. Maybe they thought it was a football match.

I hope this helps.
There is more. They say Israel is committing war crimes, singing songs like "Am Yisrael Chai" which the Geneva Convention banned. And they say that the people of Israel are divided. Nobody is taking this war that seriously. It's not the Supreme Court we're talking about.
It's hard to fight the propaganda when you're being attacked by a people whose number one weapon is their three year old child. Hamas is using them as shields, shooting them out of cannons, killing them fourteen times.
They one thing they accurately claimed is attempted genocide, already on October 8th. Hamas tried. Many have tried. But we stand strong, from the river to the sea.
"Am Yisrael Chai." There I go. Committing genocidal war crimes.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim and David eating ribs on a date like a fool with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about religious Jews mourning the loss of the Temple and praying for its return.

As we continue to modernize our Holy City and Land I find it important to address this bill I have set forth in honor of Yom Yerushalayim. A bill that will make Olim happy living in Yerushalayim this Jerusalem Day.

​BILL 3 – No Eekooling

Act
Government agencies cannot access or close ones bank account without them knowing. Government agencies have to take me to court before screwing me over.

Problem
a) I woke up that day and looked at my phone. Killed my day, and then the next two months.
b) They shut down your bank account before you get the bill. Known as an Eekool, it's a preemptive strike against your being able to pay the bill you don't know you have. They know you will not pay it, since it is not yours to pay, so they want to ensure that.
c) They shut down my bank account because I was not paying property tax on an apartment that I was not living in. An apartment other people were renting from somebody else. It took me a while to understand that my living there before them is my fault and I should've gotten taxed for that. But they did explain it to me.
d) If they shut down my bank account, how am I supposed to pay?! I believe that's an obvious question. I asked. Nobody had an answer. I believe they repeated 'Eekool' thirty times. The more you repeat something, the more it is understood. I believe that's the case. 
I accepted it was my fault for paying Arnona (property tax) on that apartment when I lived there, and ever letting the city know I lived there. In life you make dumb decisions sometimes.
e) I lost my electricity. My credit card stopped working. The next two months were spent trying to convince everybody I ever met that I am not an idiot.
f) I had no access to money. My friends didn't want to pay for Tzvi's Arnona, as they have never met him. Neither have I. My friends also didn't wanted to pay for my electricity which Chevrat Chasmal was looking for. Chevrat Chasmal was angry they couldn't get money out of my bank account. I had to explain 'Eekool' to them a good thirty times.
g) Guy got rid of the Eekool for me because he was having a decent day. Laws should not depend on somebody finding a decent deal on a 56-roll package of toilet paper (carrying the 56-roll package brings joy- known as a Metizah for the family and the extended Mishpuchi). My bank account should not be affected by a guy who got lucky and made it to the Doar post office when they were open (not easy to achieve as hours to change daily - an achievement that will make anyone happy).
h) This is the number one reason for Yeridah. People leave Israel once they realize they have no access to their bank account. Eekooled is a verb, meaning ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.' Alternative translation: 'You are going to get kicked out of your apartment because we screwed you over and we don't have to explain why.'
i) Government. I believe this is the issue. Government making decisions. The government is not very good with money. The way they like to spend, they should not have unrestricted access to my bank account. With the 2,500nis I have saved in there, they might splurge on another park in the middle of a traffic circle.
j) That truly ruined my day. Eekools can do that.

Solution
a) Assume the government is wrong. Assume the Iriyah (municipality), Mas Hachnasa and the new tax agency they are going to create with no laws to screw me over, are wrong. Assume that David doesn’t live in three different homes in Jerusalem. Assume that David cannot afford more than one apartment on a new Oleh salary of 4,000nis a month. Assume that the people that are living in the apartment, on the lease, are the ones living there. And maybe they didn’t think it was worth it to come to your office to tell you. If they told you, they would've had to pay property taxes on their apartment. Assume they would rather David pay their taxes for them. Assume that when they changed their address and said they were living there to everybody in the country, they were living there. Assume the people living in the apartment will not complain about the Eekool on David's account.
b) Court. Use the system. There are courts in Israel. I know. I once put a flyer on a bus stop. I was taken in for flyering in the first degree. I got caught. I had tape. They took me in. Rightfully.
c) Let me know before you shut my bank account, so that it doesn’t take me a half a year before I can use a cellphone again. This way, you might receive the money.
d) When judging in court for a city fine, the person who gave the fine, lawyers and the judge, cannot all be getting paid by the city. Everybody involved in the Eekool was on the city payroll. If that is the case, I am hosting an appeal in my apartment, with my friends. That should allow for fair judgment.
e) If you are a company that sees your customer is Eekooled, contact them before shutting off their service. You have been living in Israel, you have been screwed over. When you see their phone has been cut off... I'm at a loss right now.
f) Laws. Work with laws!
g) No fining people once you shut down their bank account. If they don't have a bank account, and they need a bank account to pay you, I am assuming they can't pay you. This one is an assumption, and I am probably wrong.
h) If you don’t want to do it for the whole country, allow Olim who come from countries where there are laws to have due process before screwing them over. It is hard for Olim from America to understand Eastern European laws from 1894.
i) Laws are not allowed to be based on if the guy at the municipality was able to pick up his registered mail that morning.

Backup To Solution
If the laws don't change, as closing people's bank accounts is fun and gives an activity to government staff, make it more understandable. Use a word people know, so that they can figure out what the bank is talking about when it tells them their bank account belongs to some Member of Knesset. Some MK who had to come into work that morning. Something that makes people not happy.
Change the name from Eekool to ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.’

I hope this was educational as well. And I do look forward to meeting you upon your Aliyah.

He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny.
 
He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line.
 
The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt.
 
On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah.
 
Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin)
You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah.

We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal)
You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier.
 
The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.)

The rally in Washington last month was an amazing experience and show of unity. Looking back at some of the pictures from the rally, I was reminded of the signs of support.
It’s rare that we get a chance to unify as Jewish people in support of our nation. This was the time. Those who didn't show up should feel bad. Especially those people from Detroit who got stuck in the airport, due to bus drivers refusing to take them to the pro-Israel rally.
When you go to a rally, you bring signs. And when there is unity, you make signs. Hopefully with glitter. Glitter makes signs more exciting, and it brings bedazzled people together.
Here are some of the sings I saw:

Defeat Terror
It's good to know these people were not pro-terror. I didn't see a sign saying 'Terror. We Support You.' I don't believe anybody was holding up a 'Terror. We miss you.' This wasn't a pro-Palestinian rally in England or Australia. No Ivy League was willing to host the event.

Pro Peace. Anti Hamas. Pro Israel. Anti Bibi!
If I was them, I would've just had a sign, 'I hate Bibi.' That would've made the point stronger. Truth is, I think they were yelling, 'I hate Bibi.' That should've probably been the sign. Not everybody has time to make signs for everything they want to say.
Is Bibi part of Hamas? I am trying to figure out what the sign is truly trying to convey.

America Stands with Israel
That's good to know. That made me happy to see. At least one Jewish American stands with our people in Israel.
Come to think of it. I think it was an Israeli holding that sign. Wishful thinking.

Cleveland Stands with Israel
There was a lot of standing. At a rally, you want to stand. All the people with signs were standing with something.
I saw one or two people sitting. They weren't holding signs.

I need to go to the bathroom. Is there a clean toilet anywhere in Washington DC?!
That wasn't a sign. That was me yelling. I needed anything other than a porta-potty. They're disgusting.
I should be complaining to the organizers. If you're going to run a rally properly, you should have built in bathrooms. You budget.

Thank You Israel for Fighting Terror
That was held up by a group of people that insisted they were not willing to help.
Somebody held up that sign on a college campus and was attacked. No Israelis were around.

Free Hostages. Support Israel. Combat Terror!
I think he got in the important points, while repurposing the word 'free.' I hope they don't get sued by the Palestinians. I had to stop a guy who got angry when he saw the word 'free.' He came at them yelling, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.' I pulled that guy aside and told him he was too loud, and he should've made a sign saying, 'This is a pro-Israel rally.'
The only thing they left out of that sign is how much they hate Bibi.

Let Israel Finish the Job
Some people get in the way of hard-working people. That is just plain rude.

From the River to the Sea, Israel Will always Be Free.
Many Americans claimed this was a ploy to try to get better bargains in Israel.
Very confusing. I think this one was pro-Israel as well.

Cleveland. Stronger Than Hate .
I couldn't tell you. I don't live there. I don't know how much people in Cleveland hate each other. America makes fun of Cleveland. We don't hate it. I can understand the insecurity.
I am still worried it won't bring tourists to Ohio. There must've been a heart on that sign. I just wish it was bigger.
I saw no signs from people from Detroit. I think Detroit is stronger than hate. Detroit is a very strong word. It sounds stronger than Cleveland.

Signs I Would Have Liked to Have Seen
Israel. What a Country.
We love people. We even love Jews. I think this one would've caused a lot of controversy on college campuses.
New York Loves Israel. I know people from New York were there. They just didn't let people know they love Israel. I'm worried people thought that all the New Yorkers at the pro-Israel rally were there to protest Israel. Maybe they assumed that the Yarmulke is like a pro-Israel sign. To me, if you're not holding it up, it's not a sign. One guy was wearing it. That wasn't a sign. That was an A-frame.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Everybody loves Cyndi Lauper. I figure. If they love Cyndi, they'll love Israel. Associative rallying. We could've also had sings up saying 'Ice cream is great. And So is Israel.' That would've drawn support for the homeland.
Rochester New York Showed Up. Sometimes you just want to be noticed.
Jews Make Better Hummus. Sometimes you have to hit back hard.

And then there were signs for the hostages who were kidnapped, who we are still fighting to bring home. There were signs saying 'Bring Them Home,' as we chanted it together. One or two people had signs saying, 'Let My People Go.' Even though they got the rally confused with Pesach, as they saw a lot of Jews, they meant well.
There's no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. It was heartwarming to see so many amazing signs of support at the rally. I personally didn't bring one. My arms get too tired to support Israel.

BILL 2 – People Must Work the Month of Tishrei Even if There are Holidays in September and October

Act
Force people to work on work days.

Problem
Nobody works from Rosh Hashana till the week after Sukkot.
a) My electricity was out in my place. The electric people couldn’t come till after Sukkot. They said it was a holiday, and they were angry that I disturbed the holiday for them. The electric people were enjoying the holidays. I believe they had electricity.
b) They just got off summer vacation. 
​c) How do they have sick days too?
d) The people I need help from see the summer through the holidays as a straight vacation. Even when the holidays go through October.
e) Garbage doesn’t get picked up. Sanitation said they have a right to vacation too.
f) I heard the school year started, but I saw no kids in school all of September or October.
g) The week after Sukkot is not a holiday.

Solution
Work on the days that are not holidays. If there is a holiday in a month, that does not make the whole month a holiday.
a) No countrywide conspiracy to get out of work for a whole month.
b) No more unions in government supported agencies. The union and the government together with holidays, these people are never working.
c) No more non-religious people claiming they are religious for September and October. I do Teshuva every Yom Kippur. I think this is a scam.
d) People who work for the government cannot make up random rules that ruin my life, like a dedicated piece of the Tel Aviv beach for Matkot. 
e) Choose if you want off for the summer or the whole first month of the school year. You get a choice. You can’t have both. Nobody cares if you have to cook for your family. When their water stopped and they can’t pay the bill because nobody is taking calls, they don't care about your extra vacation… With this in mind, we are going to introduce the concept of shifts. The idea is that some people work on days when other people need to take off. This way I don’t get screwed, and the garbage gets taken. And ELAL remains an airline next September.
f) People who work for the government have to work, sometimes. I understand that's not going to be a popular part of the bill that government will have to pass. Let’s add this here- People who work for the government have to know what their job is, and what they're doing. If you work for Mas Hachnasa (Israel Tax Authority) and you give a fine, you have to know what that fine is for. It can't be a decision you came up with because you don't like Davids. Even if that's how you decided you shouldn't be working the month of September, how my name causes so much revolution is beyond me.
g) Start school in October. The two days of school in September are not enough time to teach our traditions of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and how to scam days off work. And don’t tell me that knowing how to make a paper chain means you learned about Sukkot.
h) No more summer vacation. They are not working anyways. Better yet, no more vacation.
i) When January comes around, you can’t claim that we are close to the southern hemisphere and we should be vacationing now too.
j) Introduce Labor Day to the guy at my Makolet, so he knows that he should start working normal hours again. When they see the holidays they think there's another vacation. 

BILL 1 – Streets Must Have Same Street Name on Same Street

Act
To give streets uniform street signs with the same name, continuing on a street for more than a block.

Problem
I can’t figure out what street I am on half the time.
a) King George does not need eight different names. People get lost trying to continue straight, just trying to figure out if it is the same street.
b) I can’t give directions to people in Jerusalem, telling them, ‘Continue straight onto Strauss St., and then straight onto King George St., and straight onto Keren HaYesod St. Then continue straight onto Emeq Refaim St. And then, continue straight, with a tiny bear to the right, which is straight on Yochanan Ben Zakai St. And then straight at the roundabout, which is right, but straight, to Pat...’ I cannot justify how that is all one street, by explaining that it is still King George, even though it's not. Even Waze can’t figure what straight it is, at that point.

Solution
One street name per street.
a) Find other ways to honor citizens and historical figures that no child knows. Though they should know the names of Israel’s presidents, Talmudic figures and those of the Bible, our street signs do not need to be used as educational tools. Street signs will be used as ways of helping traffic flow better, and a useful tool for finding my friend Mark’s house, on Emeq Refaim.
School will be used to educate the children.
b) History class must provide historical textbooks, with historical figures, so that students don’t have to tour the city anymore to learn who Miriam, Rebbe Zeira and Ben Gurion were. Which also slows down traffic.
c) Plaques. Give people plaques. That is how you honor them. That is what shuls do. Find a spot in Jerusalem and fill it with plaques. I understand that many synagogues have a problem with this, because too many people die; even so, they find room. I believe we can take away one of the walls of the Nachlaot area of Jerusalem, which people hanging out in the shuk have designated as a place to pee late at night, and we can make the wall holy and memorable, with plaques. I do suggest we clean it. The Kotel also has a lot of space. Thank God, that is not in Nachlaot.
d) No honoring anybody that was born within the last sixteen hundred years. We have too much history in the Holy Land. We are still having a hard time finding new streets for the rabbis from the Talmud and the first destruction of the Temple.
We have stuff from 3,000 years ago. Let’s focus on that for a bit. We should be honoring Pinchas Ben Elazar Ben Aharon. Why is there no Pinchas Street? The corner between Yochanan Ben Zakai and Pat should be Pinchas Street. He deserves it.
e) Keep street names for a street, as that street continues. No changing street names every half a block. The names will remain the same, even if we have to use house numbers that go into the hundreds.

A future bill will deal with roundabouts and numbers of buildings jumping from 2 to 6 to 149 to 38, on the same side of the street.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Purim and Putin with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing more offensiveness.

We are voting again in Israel. This is only the fourth election for this election. If we’re lucky, there’ll be another election for this election.
In Israel we vote for parties who then decide if they want to join forces. They need to get 61 of 120 Members of Knesset to agree to form a government. Unfortunately, the only thing that these Members of Knesset will agree on is that we are probably going to have another election.
Here are some of the reasons why we Israelis vote a lot and love it:

We Love the Word “Coalition”
It sounds sophisticated.

We like Getting Text Messages from Politicians
Everybody likes getting texts. It makes us feel wanted. We don’t know these people, but it’s exciting to hear that beep and see that Bibi’s getting in touch with me again. He wants me to vote for him. He’s very needy, always texting me. I would block him, but I feel like we are bonding.
These texts are more exciting than the stuff I get from my friends. I just got one that said it’s a mitzvah to vote. My friends aren’t creating new Jewish laws. Only politicians can do that.

We Enjoy That Blue Memory Game Set
In order to vote we have to pick out the white cards that signify our party of choice from the blue case and put them in a white envelope and then into a blue box. We love this because it’s very Zionistic.
It’s also a fun game to try and find the correct letters of your party. They make it even more exciting by giving you letters to choose from that have nothing to do with the name of the party. It’s fun figuring out how a letter like “z” represents the Likud party.

We Need a Day Off
This is the country’s way of finally giving us a Sunday. For those who are unaware, Sunday is a regular work day in Israel and some Israelis (me) complain about this mercilessly. Israel’s way of a giving us a day off every five or six months is to let us vote. What are we voting for? Sundays.

Voting is a Holiday
It’s a festival. We love the joyous feeling. Every voting day people are nice. They say “shalom.” They give you stickers. They smile at you. I would vote every day if that meant that the guy working the bodega didn’t look angry when I went to pick up milk.
Who doesn’t love stickers?! You get a smiley with the name of the party with the politicians you hate. You get to walk around and wear the sticker and people say the Israeli adage kol hakavod (“all the honor) because they think you gave blood.
You know what I would love? Scratch and sniff stickers. Every party would have its own scent. Election Day would smell like a trip to the department store.

The Country is Accomplishing Stuff
This is actually the Israeli Peoples’ secret plan to keep the politicians from being involved in running our country. The government is finally doing something. When the government is not being run by people, they get stuff done. The garbage is being picked up. Construction around the country is at an all-time high. Another company with the name Maccabi was started. That’s how I judge progress in Israel, when another agency acquires the name “Maccabi.”
Once politicians form a Knesset, it’s over. They get their committees going. That’s how you halt progress, with committees. That’s how you end something good, you meet about it. Just ask your shul’s ritual committee.

We Believe Every Party Should Have a Chance to Win
We embrace the millennial ideology. Everybody’s a winner. The first time it was Blue and White. Last time it was Likud. We should get Kadima in there and give them another chance to be winners.

People Change Their Minds
Can you imagine if you voted once and that was it? I can’t. That would mean that my decision was final. I can’t take that pressure. It’s the same reason I can’t walk into an ice cream parlor. Too much pressure. There are too many choices. If I take the Butter Nut Supreme and it’s not a tasting spoon, I’m stuck with it. I don’t want to be stuck with my decisions.  
Politicians change their minds too. They were representing the Russian immigrants. Now it’s about lowering taxes. Then it was fudge brownie ice cream. Now they must vote on the comfortable Knesset seats. People lose their minds to get those things. They’re very plush.

Parties Have to Negotiate
Have you ever been to the shuk? Have you ever negotiated in the Middle East? Negotiations for a darbuka hand drum can take a good half hour. That costs anywhere from fifteen dollars to five hundred dollars, depending on how much time you have to negotiate. Now imagine you are negotiating for the soul of Israel or at least a much larger darbuka.
​These parties have to now join together on foreign policy and make decisions on domestic rules such as if Maccabi should be the name for everything in Israel. We don’t take this lightly.

We Like Second Chances
If second chances are good, shouldn’t third and fourth chances be better? Too many people make mistakes when voting the first time. They’re ill informed. Now, we get to vote again and again and make a mistake this time too, just a different mistake.

By the Time I Vote Again I Might Know What is Going On
I don’t know the difference between Likud and New Right or Labor and Kadima anymore. Truth: I just go into the booth and pick a white card with a letter on it. I have no idea what it means. It’s a Hebrew “Reish” and it represents “green.” There’s a Hebrew “Pei” and “Lamed” and that is the Israel is our Home Party. I really don’t know. I pick a different one each time. It looks like the memory game. I was never good at that game. And I was never good at Hebrew. I just hope my vote does not make a difference.
​
If anybody is giving out scratch and sniffs, representing Sundays and decent deals on darbukas, I am voting for them.