Prelude
The security meeting was and the wise men and women of Chelm were worried because of the meeting. To quote Rivka, 'It was a meeting. That should worry anybody.' It turns out it was a committee meeting, which had people worried more. Some ran, worried they would have to volunteer.
Discussion of the need for security was clear, as expressed by Moishele, 'Without security anything can happen.' And all of the wise men and women of Chelm agreed with the brilliance of Moishele. Security was now a necessity at all events, as nobody wanted anything to happen.
Security was not enough though. People showed up to the Pesach concert and no community member wants that. It was noted at the Pesach concert, people showed up and that was dangerous. Nobody likes Yankel and he was there.
'Why did people come to the Pesach concert?' the community protested. After much discussion they concluded, 'Because they knew where it was.' 'Here we have another security concern,' Moishele interjected. And so it was in the books of Chelm.

The Event
Excited for the upcoming holiday of Israeli Independence Day, Lazer Shwartzawitz shouted, 'Who's going to the Yom HaAtzmaut parade of Jewish pride?' And Moishele, as the new head of security, as he spoke up at the meeting and he teaches Mishna at the Cheder, ensured that it will be safe. And all were ready to show how proud they were of their Jewishness in a safe undesignated location.
Duvidel the party pooper answered, 'I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be...' Shouts of, 'Duvidel the fool. He has no idea what it means to be a proud Jew.' To which Duvidel continued, 'How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is? How do you show pride if you are afraid of people knowing where you are? Where do you walk on a parade if you can't be seen? How do you show up to "I don’t know where"?'
Moishele cried out, 'You fool. You show pride by be being there.' To which Duvidel responded, 'Where is there?' And the wise men and women of Chelm were in shock by Duvidel's stupidity. Protests of, 'You cynic,' 'Duvidel the heretic who doesn't believe,' 'There goes Duvidel ruining another great program. He thinks he can't show to an event, just because he has no idea where it is. The little he knows...' were heard throughout Chelm.

More Arguments Against Duvidel Who Doesn't Understand These Times
Berel the Gabai interjected, 'In these times we have to be safe.'
Fayge was so proud. 'My Gabai is so wise. He understands the need for security, as it is these times.' Shaindel agreed and said, 'These times.'
No one could argue with 'these times.' As Fayge noted, 'It all makes sense when you say it like that. We definitely need security.' And the wise men and women of Chelm were more worried, as they heard 'these times.' A scary thing to hear about the Jewish people.
Duvidel again asked a dumb question, 'What does these times mean?' And Duvidel caused another round of protests, 'That cynic. He should be ashamed. Doesn't understand "these times."'
Menachem explained, 'It means these times. What kind of a heretic would argue with "these times"? Only one who does not care for his people. One who does not understand the power of a parade.' And Duvidel was again thrown out of the community for the third time in one meeting. How he kept interjecting after being thrown out is a miracle. How everybody knew where the meeting was in these times is another miracle. And what's worse is this board meeting, as all Jewish board meetings at my shul, was full of anti-Semites.
And a standoff occurred, as all watched. Duvidel shot, 'At what times will you announce the location of an event?' Menachem shot back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel counterattacked, 'Then you will never announce where an event is.' Menachem came right back, 'Never during these times.' Duvidel asked, 'What about at other times?' Menachem retorted, 'Only if those other times are not these times.' Duvidel re-retorted, 'But those will be these times.' To which Menachem said, 'You are correct.'

The Event Was a Success
When asked why so few people showed up to the event, Duvidel would say, 'They didn't know where it is.' And the wise men and women of Chelm would say, 'Because of Duvidel.'
Shaindel spoke of the parade with great pride, 'It turned out to be very safe with eight people.'
To this day, the organizers are still very happy that people didn't show. To quote Shirley, the head of the Jewish Federation, 'It was the safest event we ever had. And we are proud of that. It was also the most enjoyable Jewish event I ever attended during these times. Another amazing program. Hopefully next time we will have less Jews.' To which the wise men and women concurred.

Epilogue
And now the shul has security on all fronts, ensuring that Jews don't come.
Yankel joined Duvidel and tried arguing, but the argument of 'these times' was so brilliantly phrased by the Gabai who said, 'In these times,' that everybody knew they needed to have security and safety. As it was these times, and that was true.
And now they have more events than ever. Daily events. Every day at 7pm. Huge organized celebrations. And nobody knows where they are. And security can ensure that everybody is safe.

Donors thought this was the best use of Jewish monies. Millions poured in for the security plans of not telling people about the location of events. Just the placards ran into the hundreds of thousands. And the consulting that had to be done to figure out where to put placards when they couldn't be seen was a whole other ordeal that had to be dealt with. The cost of figuring out where signs can't be took the community to a deficit.
Yankel with Chutzpah asked, 'What about the Jewish day school. Educating our children.' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'You fool. School is not safe.' To which Yankel agreed. And the children didn't show up to the day school anymore. For their safety, every day they were told to show up to somewhere without being told where it was. And all of the children of Chelm were safe.

The Jewish Federation of Chelm has gained huge support for these programs, raising millions of dollars.
A group of dissenters developed when nobody could find a Kiddish that had no location. There is a limit. And that limit is not being able to find free food. To quote one of the dissenters, 'I will risk my life for Kugel and Kichel. Even during these times.'

And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. The wise men and women didn't acre to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there.

The organization is going to get more money out of you. They do that with what they call the (you put in the name of the organization) dinner. Every nonprofit has it. It can be at the pizza joint, they'll have their yearly dinner. They take a piece of schnitzel they got for three dollars and upcharge you 30,000%. They know you wouldn't pay $800 for a piece of schnitzel if there wasn't a reason. They need to sell you on this. 
To sell you at the dinner, they use people they call honorees. The honorees is how they get you to come. Here is how they will use them. Be ready.

Save the Date
The first sign somebody is going to be taking your money.
They tell you to save the date. Stay away from anything that says ‘Save the Date.’ That means something expensive is coming up. If you get one of these, pretend you didn’t see it and plan a trip for the ‘Date.’ Save the date for something cheaper than the fundraiser. A family trip to the Netherlands is a good way to save money.
The best advice I can give is to never look at your mail. You will save a lot of money on donations and bills that way. If you're lucky, you can also get out of a Bar Mitzvah.
The fact that they have money to send you a letter that says they are not ready yet is a problem.

Honorees
They will prep you with the save the date. Then they bring on the guilt. There are people being honored. You can't go on a trip when people are being honored. You have to honor them. They're honorees. They haven't honored these friends in a while.
The honorees are people that other people like, who have a lot of friends. Or, they're people that other people need to pretend they like, for potential work; you want to be closer to these people. The organizations use these people to get you to come out to the fundraiser. They don't trust that you like the shul enough. They thus honor the Friedbergs. Everybody knows the Friedbergs.
What are the Friedbergs honored for? Knowing people. That's what they've given to the shul. They've never volunteered or helped with a Shiva Minyin, but they know people.

How to Not Get Pulled In
Over the years, I've made it a point to have friends that nobody likes. I was going broke on friends who were affable. I noticed a disturbing pattern; the shul was honoring these people. These friendly people offering to pay for dinner, when you go out together, is just a guise before the big blow of the $2,000 you will be putting out for their honorees dinner. If you can find unlovable friends who are also poor, you have struck gold.
If you see somebody sticking their hands in the herring and taking all the meat out of the choolante pot, for themselves, befriend them.

How They Pick the Honorees
You will know it is a fundraiser when the Fridberg family gets honored for being great community members. When people get honored for accomplishing nothing, that is a clear sign it's a fundraiser.
If there is more than one couple on the bill, that is another clear sign it's a fundraiser and that the person who deserves to get honored, and is second on the poster, is not popular enough. Nobody cares that you brought the children out of Sudan if people aren't hanging with you at Kiddish, but it would look decent to honor you. Do you have friends? That is what we care about.
For this reason, you should also avoid friends who have solved any worldwide crisis, such as starvation or disease. Your friends should be unhelpful and unfriendly people.  

Speakers
You have to give money for these people that are also going to interrupt your dinner. Anything to take your focus off the fact that you've just put out $800 on a piece of schnitzel.
Theses are other honorees. You don't know them. Why they tell you about these honorees, I have no idea. Yet, you're forking over another $500 for them to be there. They have to pay these people to talk over you and interrupt your conversation.

The Committee
Watch out for these people. These are the people that tell you about the dinner. They tell you about your friends and the speakers. They write the letters. They tell you to 'save the date.'  They call you when you tried to not respond. You had to tell them you must've not gotten the letter. They know you are lying. If you don't go, you'll be offending them.
Once people join a committee, they become very crafty. Your friends are on the committee, and they're going to tell you about that friend that is being honored. 

The Issue Is Friends
If you've learned something today, it's to not have friends. Being part of a community, it's best if you don't know anybody. Then you don't have to feel bad not showing up. You can save a lot of money that way. It costs too much money to not offend people.
If you plan the trip, try your hardest to forge a ticket that shows you purchased it before the committee sent out the 'save the date.' The committee will ask for that. And never join the committee. They put you on that committee to make sure you're going to be there. You get no discounts on schnitzel.
And make sure to support your congregation, pay your dues and dedicate to your community in honor of your ancestors.