Jewish Puns XIV: Mordechai’s Shivim Panim LaTorah

by Mordechai Stein

I was in such a rush to put on my Tefilin this morning, I didn't take off my watch first. I was strapped for time. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tefillin straps. Strapped for time... The Tefillin straps over the watch. Strapped for time with Tefillin and a watch. You get it.
 
At least the plague of locusts wasn't very expensive. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Locust. Low cost. Very close if they were pronounced the same. The plague of grasshoppers would be expensive.
Should that read, 'The eighth plague wasn't very expensive. It was locust'? Puns are about education. Not about being funny.

He was alone in his house with nothing to do, so he took out a date. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The date date joke. Nothing more timeless than the date date joke. Works every holiday. And opening a date is an activity. Especially with a date. Such a good pun. Timeless.
 
I bought a Jewish papercut. It Hebrew letters and a lot of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Papercuts are a type of art, where they cut paper. Paper cuts also hurt, can go deep and draw a lot of blood. Jewish papercuts are usually in Hebrew. Not that they form a Hebrew letter on the hand when they cut you.

The slave wanted to stay after seven years. Thirsty, he asked for lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? If they stay, they have to have their ear pierced to the doorpost. Lintels are part of that. Lentil soup. Lintel soup. Close enough. Esav reference. The slave mixed up doors and soup. We all do it. And lintels are tasty when you add garlic.

Is the shul looking for a people who likes bread? Then why do they keep asking for donations. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Dough. Bread is made of do. A nation is a people. Do-nation. Dough-nation when spelled wrong. Nation full of dough. I'll explain.
 
Who was the heaviest guy in the Megilah? Bigton. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bigton and Teresh wanted to kill the king. Big and ton together. Both mean large. That's a mean name for somebody. I know it's not nice to make fun of somebody's heaviness, but Bigton wasn't a good guy.