Russian Jews were so against paying for water in the desert. They gave Moshe a rebel. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Rebel. Ruble. A ruble is Russian currency. Moshe called the people rebellious at Mei Merivah. Rebels. Rubles. They gave him a rebel. Not a ruble. Rebel. Rebellion. Many layers here. Please know we love Russian Jews. Russian Jewry was needed to make that work. Next time we’ll do a pun about Jewry and jewelry. Please note, Russian Jews were not around at the time we were wondering in the desert.
 
They had a Jewish diamond store. They said they were looking for a customer base that was made of American Jewelry. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Jewelry. Jewry. American Jewelry. If you were thinking American Jewry, that's anti-Semitic. Or pro-jewelry. This pun keeps on giving. Please note, we said we would bring you a Jewry, jewelry pun. We stuck to our play on word.
 
They were trying to figure out if they needed to wrap a Tallis for Maariv. The rabbi decided they shawl not. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Shall. Shawl. A Tallis is a prayer shawl. Shawl not put it on. Should be 'shall.' Thank you. I speak a proper English even in pun form.
 
Fast days are very important. I did the 17th of Tamuz fast in four hours. That was a very fast day. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Fast day. Fast. Quick. The fast was over faster cause we did in less time. We should get more reward for doing a fast day faster. But don't. You should mourn for longer. You shouldn't follow puns as Halacha all the time. There are better texts than this for Jewish law.
 
Why’s this fast different from all other fasts? All other fasts tables are below. This fast, it's Tish above. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tisha BAv. Tish above sounds exactly the same. Tish is table in Yiddish. If you don't know that, it's not a pun. Hence, the need to know at least three languages to understand our puns. It’s not Pesach, but you can still ask questions on this night.
 
The Shadchan didn’t set me up. Though, she did help with Havdalah. She had an idea for a match. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Shadchan is a matchmaker. Sets people up. But hear they're helping with matches. At Havdalah we light a candle. Matchmaker. Match. Maybe they're a candle-maker that calls themselves a matchmaker. I don't know.

His Layning was so bad. They asked what he was doing. One guy said, ‘Kriat HaTorah.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kriat HaTorah. Tearing the Torah. It usually means ‘reading the Torah,’ but this is a pun. The same word for reading Torah and tearing clothes to mourn, 'Kriah,' if you want the joke to have more meaning. Learn Hebrew, then come back and read out puns. You might want to also learn French, just in case.

I've been reading many Jewish magazines and here is what I've learned. Jewish magazines must have ads. Just ads. A lot of ads. You're paying to read ads. In addition, for your magazine to be properly Frum, it should be printed on newspaper newsprint. Now let's explore.

The Ads
Your publication should have ads. A lot of ads. Three quarters of the magazine up to the whole thing should be ads. As Jewish magazines are read on Shabbis, the focus should be on stuff you can't purchase on Shabbis. Perfect Shabbis ads include suits and new homes somewhere in Florida; which is right next to Brooklyn.
An ad for a Jewish mechanic should be present. This way you can be sure to get ripped off by Jews. The Jewish mechanic ad is a feature story, as it is unique.
Simcha halls. Those are good ads for Shabbis, as the cost of those things gets you to go to shul to pray for Parnsa. Money will be needed to pay for the weddings, which is why you will also want to have ads for Gmachs that cost money. And then you will want an ad for a Gmach (a Chesed organization), so that after paying for the wedding hall the bride can show up in a used dress Malkie donated after her divorce.
Wigs. Shaytels should take up at least four pages.

Articles in Ad Form
Make the ads interesting by providing them in article form. This allows for your creative juices to flow. Full articles on wigs and how they work as wigs at Faigie Bracha's shop on 13th Avenue make for excitement in North Miami Beach.
The Shadchan feature about pathetic single Jews who are a Rachmanis is a must for your publication. Include the Shadchan’s number, just in case a single girl is feeling decent one day, and wants help getting back on the right track.
You don't want any articles about how Gmachs, also known as free lending thrift shops, cost money.
All articles should be about Kosher food. Which leaves room for other articles. Most importantly, all articles should end with a phone number. That is what makes them Frum acceptable for the Shabbis reader.
And be sure to highlight whatever happened in Far Rockaway’s nursery schools. That is of public interest.

Inspirational Person Feature Advert
Also known as an ad for a shul, make sure the inspirational person has a lot of money. I don't even know why that needs to be stated. If they don't have a lot of money, they're not inspirational. With that in mind, the inspirational person should have full head of hair, even in their nineties.
You can also present the inspirational person in a NJ Five Town Rockland County's editorial of Jews Who Give Money and Vacation A Lot.
If you can't find somebody with money, find a Shadchan. Shadchans are always inspirational as they have pissed off many single people. The Shadchan inspiration is there for you as a parent to not feel so bad about your messed up single child, who let down the Shadchan as well, by not going out with the really ugly guy.

A Dedicated Page to Tuv Taam
There should be at least one dedicated page to dips that come in adjective form. Heimish Mamish Tuna. Shloimy's Heimish Onion Dip Supreme. Ruchel Leah's Deluxe Eggplant Shallot Gvalt. Deluxe is part of the Frum Yiddish lexicon. It's in there.
Moishie's Heimish Deluxe Gefite Fish by Tuv Taam. That's an article.

Acceptable Pictures for Advertisements
Pictures of people in black suits. That is acceptable.
Pictures of any Simcha. This includes Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and fundraisers. Weddings do not fall under Simchas, as there are mother-in-laws involved (we had to- we must stay true to Jewish humor). Fundraisers are considered Simchas, as they bring many people that are not poor a lot of money.
In all pictures, people should be standing at an angle. Naturally standing at an angle, facing something. Catch people in angle stances and then take the picture.
Be sure to have a few pictures of wealthy people that might give money. These are the only people don't have to be wearing a black suit.
Everything about elementary schools and kindergartens should be brought in picture form. Your average Jew wants to know what happened in the Far Rockaway Chabad nursery school, especially in the Catskills. Pictures of Shabbis Abbas and hair pulling should be there.
All pictures should be in ad form. Meaning that the pictures of the Simchas should come with Yankel's Photography and Catering showing somewhere.

Torah Ads
Nobody should be Mivatel Torah when reading your magazine newsprint in the bathroom.
You can connect Moshe to a deli, making for a decent ad. 'Yakov's Heimish Deli serves a beautiful corned beef on club. The commandment sandwich... At Be'er Basar Maluach the Jews complained that they needed water. At Yakov's they serve Dr. Brown's...' And that's a Dvar Torah. If you're wondering why there is only one adjective, it's because Yakov doesn't work for Tuv Taam.

I hope this helps a little in your understanding of how to publish your Frum Jewish publication. Just remember, if it's not an ad it should not be there.
Wait. Just came up with a great feature for next month. The Mitzvah Mechanic. An interview with a mechanic who only lies a little.

July 4th got me thinking about America and food. Waking up gets me thinking about food. Let’s talk about food. Other than Kiddish, nothing is more American than eating massive quantities of food as fast as you can. For that, I thank America.
It was right before I moved to Israel, that I had the honor of competing in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Known to many as the Super Bowl of Eating, I always wanted to be a professional athlete. The one thing holding me back was my athletic abilities. Then I heard about Nathan’s contest, and I knew I had found my sport.
Here is the in-depth story, a very long story, an epic of passion, my story of competing as possibly the only Shomer Shabbat person ever in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. It all happened in LA.
 
The Competitor
It was around twenty-five years ago when the only kosher Nathan’s at the time was in Los Angeles. The competitor and proud Jew I am, I showed up ready to eat.
This was in LA. Not Yerushalayim. The Nathan’s in Jerusalem closed down, because they had the competition in Jerusalem and the whole city showed up for free frankfurters. Jerusalemites never had a high-class eating competition and they understood competition to mean on the house. Sometimes things get mistranslated in language. After three dogs, the local Jerusalem folk had the chutzpah to complain, ‘Stop, I’m already full… can you bag the rest, to go?... I’ll eat them later.’ Some even complained that they had the gall to bring out the food and to not offer them a seat and some sides. (Some of the closing of Nathan's in Jerusalem story, may not be true. But the story of David competing in the Nathan's competition, in LA, is.)
They didn’t just take anybody for the contest. I had to do well at the eating combine. It was a serious competition, and I had to pass the weigh in. At the time, I was well over two-hundred pounds and I was able to fit into an XXL shirt with no problem. I was accepted. They were worried, as I was forty-five pounds lighter than the closest competitor. And that was a high school girl. I had to. Thus, the story of David and Goliath. Or, David and Some Bikers.
 
Bigger Men
I was competing against bigger men, but I have taken down tougher men and women on the way to the choolante at Shabbat Kiddish. These men were not Sadie or Ethel. I was not frightened. Nothing was going to get in my way. I claimed my spot at the table, planted my feet and did not move; the same way I had done so many times while other famished people were trying to get to the herring after Shabbat services.

Ray 'The Bison' Meduna
Ray 'The Bison,' a man ranked number twelve eater in the world, due to his powerful jaws and lungs; even as an amateur, he claimed fame as the Texas State Kolache Sweet Dough Eating Champion. If they were kosher, he might have taken second. As I learned, Kolache is not a Jewish name. It's a pastry of sorts.
I went up against Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna. ‘The Bison.’ A man that could eat people if he chose to not be livestock. How can I compete? I was going against a beast. I’m not a rodeo clown. I don’t go up against bulls, bison. I have never went up against cattle. The strength it took for me to go up against him. A Talmid Chacham like myself to muster the power to eat?!
Note: Never say 'muster' in a hot dog eating contest. They end up not hearing you correctly and you're stuck with a jar of dijonnaise.

How to Compete with a Bison - Get a Nickname
I had to use tact. I tried psyching him out. I went up to his face, 'I am David "The Mensch" Kilimnick and I eat hot dogs with a fork, because I am a mensch. I don’t do Achilas Gasa (disgusting glutton eating), unless if there is a chance to win cash. Eating like an animal is forbidden.’
Nicknames are very important in the sport of competitive eating. There was ‘The Fireball.' There was ‘The Hornet’s nest,’ who people stayed away from, as he brought stinging animals with him. I believe he took his nickname a bit too far, with a nest as his mascot. But you knew ‘The Bison’ was scary, because he was willing to name himself something you eat as well, and the competitors do get hungry very quickly. When you can take down forty hot dogs at one sitting, you don't make for a good Shabbis dinner guest.
‘The Mensch’ nickname did not seem to intimidate 'The Bison.' He was not fazed by my antagonizing antics, as menacing as I was. ‘The Bison’ wasn’t competing for a place in heaven and he didn’t know Yiddish. The use of Jewish law and threatening him with inappropriate eating habits was not working.
He wasn’t concerned with Mitzvahs. He wasn’t a Jew who never ate at McDonald’s. He practiced there. He wasn’t playing for a fast-food meal that he never got. He didn't even worry about extra calories. He had a metabolism. He didn't have the Ashkenazi ancestry. He just ate and enjoyed. The movie Supersize Me, he thought that was an advertisement.
He then took the hot dog with his hand- Achilas Gasa. And I was worried.
So, I threw in a, 'You have bad Midot (character traits).' I might have went a bit overboard with the rebuke, but he was prepared. And he didn't understand what Midot means. Maybe I should try psyching him out next time with English.
He told me that he drank gallons of water the night before, just to extend his belly. I knew I was dealing with a superhuman. I can’t even drink a cup before I go to sleep. I’ll have to pee.

Doing it for Jewish Pride- The Kids
I had to muster. I was going up against people who never heard of Achilas Gasa. I had to find the strength from within. I have seen how much grass a bison can take down. I was once at a zoo and I saw a huge thing of hay. It was for one bison.
Whenever eating as much as you can, you have to think about who you are doing it for. Me? I am doing it for the children. The two Yeshiva boys who came out to see a Jewish hero. Two young growing lads who wanted to see what eating is like when your parents aren’t around.
I had to find strength. I looked to the book of Yehoshua, and I heard the words, 'Be strong and courageous.' So, I said, I am ready to eat.
Non-Jews think Jews can’t eat. They haven’t been to a Tisch. They thought I don’t have the makeup of an eater. They’ve never been to my parent’s house for Shabbis. They haven’t seen me at a wedding. Oh, I can eat. They haven’t seen me taking down sausages at a smorgasbord, placing myself right next to the waiter carrying the tray of pigs-in-a-blanket, at all times. Not easy, when they're moving around, trying to serve other people.

The Competition
I had a cause. I remembered why I was going to eat fifty hot dogs. I remembered who I was. I remembered the lessons I learned at Shabbis Kiddish. I was a hero. A Jewish Hero. For these kids, I was no longer an underdog. I was an inspiration. I was the ‘Mensch.' It really gets to your ego when you're an athlete and you have a nickname.

Start of Competitive Eating
After trash talking the competition, Jewish Style, I was neck and neck with Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna on the first four hot dogs. I could see Jewish pride on the two Yeshiva boys’ faces, gazing at the competition; reminiscent of Jews watching Sandy Koufax play baseball for the LA Dodgers in the 1960s. The resemblance was uncanny. I saw a future of young Jewish boys, full of newfound inspiration, thinking they too could be an athlete and eat like a mensch; knowing they too could fulfil their athletic dreams with saturated fats. I pride myself on being an inspiration.
‘The Bison’ and myself neck and neck, as the Yeshiva boys and crowd were cheering, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ Four hot dogs against four hot dogs, the first minute down, and then he kept on eating. Ray must’ve been trying to prove something. That was too much already. I was full. I needed a little schnapps.
The cheers kept on going, ‘Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!’ One biker was taking down dog number twenty-four. He heard them chanting, 'Munch! Munch! Munch!'
I kept on going for those kids. I was deflated when I heard twenty-four hot dogs, but I kept going for the Bachurs. A true Tzadik works with what he has, and I had heartburn.
 
It Was Rigged Against Jews
There is no place for a religious Jew in competitive eating. They said, 'On your marks, get set, go.' I turned to the announcer as he said the word ‘go’ and asked, 'Where is the washing station?' I had to do Nitilat Yadaim (pre-meal hand washing). I had to wash my hands before I eat bread. You have your pre-competitive eating rituals, I have mine. The competition included bread. You drink water to prepare, I pray to Gd that I won't puke. Not fair.
I didn’t want to sin by not washing my hands and Achilah Gasa. What was I to do? Wash and eat a little bread beforehand? Filling up on carbs, before the competition?

If You Compete, You Are A Winner - The Lesson
Eating is about competition. As seen at Kiddish, where I have learned so much about ensuring other people don't get food, only the strong survive.
What made me a winner, you ask. It was probably the way I scarfed down those first four dogs in record time, after I washed, to catch up to the competition. Winners don't complain about referees. They stopped me from using my elbows, used for keeping the other competitors away from the food; a technique developed at Kiddish, based on Fran Schwartz’s choolante approach. At the end of the eight minutes, I had taken down a good nine hot dogs. I was a winner after all. It was a decent lunch.
The competition didn’t include mayonnaise and chili, but I requested the toppings. If I was there already, I was going to get the works. It was a good spread. They said that it was the first time on American soil that anybody packed up the food and asked for a to go bag at the Nathan’s Contest. They said it reminded them of the competition they hosted in Jerusalem.

I am a Hero if that is the Ending
Did I ruin a couple of Yeshiva boys’ dreams, skipping class that day?! I might have. Even so, they learned a little Torah as they heard me telling Ray ‘The Bison’ Meduna about Achilat Gasa. Maybe they are rabbis now, out there telling their students about a great Jewish legend who competed in the hardest of circumstances and washed his hands, like Sandy Koufax. Maybe they're playing baseball. Maybe they're bowling. Whatever they are doing, the story of inspiration lives on with those two kids who flunked out of Yeshiva.
One thing is for sure. Whatever they are doing, they will never let being overweight get in their way.
David ‘The Mensch’ lost the battle to ‘The Bison’ that day. If my opponent had been Goliath, I might have won. Nothing in the Bible says that Goliath was able to eat thirty-five dogs in one sitting, in eight minutes, with buns.

As I was carried off the stage. I couldn’t move. I was full. I had eaten too much. Being carried that day, I could still hear them cheering, 'Mensch! Mensch! Mensch! Mensch!' It turned out that Nathan's wanted back the hot dogs I took.

That was the end of my career. I realized that competitive eating was not for me. With my Ashkenaz genes I would've got real heavy.

Postscript
I didn’t finish last. For those kids, I was first.
There was a twelve-year-old girl next to me. She was out real quick. After the third dog, she said she felt bloated. I understood her.

I believe some of those men got sick that day. In fairness, they brought out those trays. Huge trays of dogs. I didn't know who how many people they were thinking were going to show. There were only six of us. I don't know why eight industrial size trays were necessary. They couldn’t have cooked all of these hot dogs right. This all had me worried. I didn’t want to get salmonella.
I had a great effect on the future of competitive eating. Never before had competitors requested iced tea. It was always water. Now, the professional eaters enjoy their forty dogs with mayonnaise and a cold refreshing soft drink to wash it all down.

No elbows were allowed. That was not fair. You couldn't hit. My Kiddish table training would've given me the advantage. If violence was allowed, I believe I would've controlled at least three of the industrial trays.
If I was able to hit, and there was somebody walking around with the hot dog trays, I would've had a chance.
The point of the story: I would not have lost in Israel. My competition would have also gotten up to wash.
 
There is no more Kosher Nathan’s in LA. Was it me and the tray of dogs I took home? Maybe the other Jews caught on the next year and went for the free Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Luncheon.
 
We are working on a Jewish food eating competition. It will come as soon as we can afford all the to go bags.

To this day, people ask, ‘What’s the reason why David stopped eating?' I was full.

Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils.
 
Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.'
 
We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel.
 
Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares.
 
Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise...

(Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out.
Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?...

We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie.
Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’
I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen...

(Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues.
It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours...

This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went.
It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer.

You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul.
Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up...
Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had.
You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days.

You are ruining the shul community.
Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves.

The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel...
If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots...
Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion…

Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this...

We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews.
Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious.

Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants.

The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community.
They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.'

The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm.
Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.'
The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people.
The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.'
It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him.

This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to.

Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run.
These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up.

Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’

A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem.

I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages.

When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi.

After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp.
Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning.

At the heart of the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (the silent prayer that you do out loud) is the Kedusha. It's at this moment that the cantor, Chazin, Bal Tefilah, or guy leading the prayers that is louder than everybody else, has a chance to sing. So, they do it. Here are some key notes to help you pick the correct tunes when leading services, and to understand the tunes of holiness we use in our tradition.

Go Slow
As the leader, you want the congregants frustrated. For this, you sing. Just when they think Davening will end soon, sing more.
The tunes chosen should be slow and long. This keeps people in shul. It is part of the Jewish laws regarding suffering and how you are a better person if you suffer longer. During the Kedusha they can’t run. They have to stand in one spot in solemnity. You keep them longer there. If the song moves too fast, be sure to add NayNayNays. That can keep any song going for another hour or so. Slowdown and add NayNayNays.

Songs to Use During Your Kedusha
Many Chazins like to sing something catchy. This means 'VAtah Ba'anim Shiru' or the Black Eyed Peas' 'I Got a Feeling.' Personally, I'm a fan of the more sentimental Jewish songs, such as TLC's 'Unpretty.'
'A Million Dreams' is always a good one. I believe that song is Frum.
Throughout the ages, Chazanim have worked endlessly to develop tunes for our prayer services. Forget those melodies. That all ended in the 1980s when Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock learned about the Beach Boys a decade late. Since then, as the pop charts have changed, Tefillah has developed. Hence, now we praise Gd with Nigunim by MBD, Uncle Moishy and Kid Rock.

Fitting Words into A Song
This is a developed skill. You have chosen the song. Now you must finesse it.
No modern songs produced by Sony Music are written to Naritzcha. Shwekey has done well with these lyrics, why can't Sony put out an LP?!
Bruno Mars is an excellent song writer. However, he has yet to have composed an Anim Zemirot melody. Or maybe he did. I think I heard it. It's confusing. Point is, you take whatever song and reappropriate it as Jewish with words that don't fit. I am sure the Etz Chaim Hi tune topped the charts in the Balkans in the 1520s.
My woke friends have assured me reappropriating is OK if it's for spiritual reasons. For spiritual reasons, you also don't have to pay for the rights to the music. 

Naritzcha to Mimkomcha
Chazins want to make the Tefillah more meaningful. Many have asked how to choose specific songs for specific parts of the Kedusha. You don't. You wake up Shabbat morning and go with the song that is stuck in your head. One Chazin was doing the Kivodo part of the Kedusha to Barnie's 'Brushing My Teeth On Top.' I believe they were trying to get their child to brush that morning. That is how tradition develops.
Simon and Garfunkel has made it into the lexicon of Kedusha songs. Back in the '70s your average Jew woke up to the radio playing 'Scarborough Fair.' Hence, sung as tradition along with 'Sound of Silence' in many shuls.
There are traditional cantorial melodies for these. But nobody uses them, because they're good. You don't feel the requisite pain of suffering if it's good.

How to Fit the Words
It's a challenge to fit five words into one note. Yet, the skilled Bal Tefillah does it with ease, and no concern for the melody. A savvy Bal Tefillah has the ability to leave the congregation in shock, wondering what he just did, while continuing onto the NayNayNay portion Bruno Mars did not anticipate.
Here is the secret to all modern-day Jewish shul song composition. Syllabalize. As the Chazin, pick any song. Pick whatever song you want. It makes no difference. Then you fit the words into the tune. Any song works if you force enough words into a note. By the way, 'Kivodo Maleh Olam uMshortav Shoalim Zeh Lazeh' is one syllable.

Make Them Wait Longer
Musaf, the added prayer on Shabbat and holidays, is the perfect time to go off with more tunes. Focus on the Musaf's Kedusha. It is at this point that they have already been in shul for two and a half hours. The longer you can extend this part of the prayer, the more pain they will feel. NayNayNays must be added here. NayNayNays after three hours in shul adds to frustration and anger, and thus opens up the gates of heaven.
Now that they think the singing is done. Don't stop there. There is so much more you can do with vShamru tunes and Modims during your repetition of the Amidah. And don't forget the Sim Shalom. That is your Shabbat morning finale. Go out very long. Better yet, repeat the word 'Sim' as many times as you can. That will definitely get them folding their Tallises.
Want to add to the anger, get the choir backing it up with NayNayNays.

You know you have done your job, keeping with the traditional songs of the Kedusha written by Pink and Bruno Mars, if people are folding their Tallises in a rage of anger and rushing to Kiddish.
Next time we will focus on more Tefillah songs, such as those written by Men at Work.

How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these.

Change Your Number
Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you.

Change Your Address
Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work.
Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere.

Change Your Last Name
Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them.

Lose Your Job
People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account.

Say You're Single
That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness.
Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out.

Join Another Sect
Chabad will still find you.

Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money
They will tell you that you still have to tithe.

Go to Olam Haba
My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation.
They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues.
I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you.

The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money.
Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews.

The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis.
People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous.
If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know.

The Arm Raise
Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention.
Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning.
We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate.

Arm Raise Hand Open Close
This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance.
 
The Chest Bounce
Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured.
 
Huddle Jump
Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get.
 
The Solo Jump Around
Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form.
This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit.
 
Arm Interlocked Twirl Around
Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle.
 
The Hand-in-Hand Spin
Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes.
 
The Airplane
Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people.
Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded.
 
The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders
This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall.

The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick
A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head.
Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter.

The Rebbe Approach
This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you.
That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad.

Final Note of Safety
Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing.
Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt.
I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe.
Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher.

Here is a List of Jewish Foods & Other Stuff That Deli Made Amazing-Inspired by Lenny Bruce’s Jewish-Goyish
This will help you understand a bit of what makes delis our tradition.

Pizza is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers liked in the 1980s is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers only knew about in the 1990s is not Jewish. Burritos are not Jewish. Sushi is Goyish, even if they serve it as Simchas. Pigs in a blanket are Jewish. Pickles are Jewish. Jalapenos are Goyish. They burn your mouth. Sephardic food is Goyish, even if Jews have been eating it for 4,000 years. Olives are almost Jewish. Whitefish is Jewish. Herring is Jewish. Sauerkraut is Jewish. Food you can spell is Goyish. American food is Goyish. European food is Jewish. Coleslaw is Jewish. Cabbage is Goyish. Cabbage wrapped around ground beef and rice is Jewish. Stuffed derma is Jewish. If you knew what it was, you wouldn't eat it. It's Jewish. Derma is disgusting. Goyish. Stuffed Derma is for Jews. Salad is Goyish. Salatim are almost Jewish. Jewish eat them. Knishes are Jewish. Perogies are mostly Jewish. They are also not healthy. Barakas are Middle Eastern. I am not sure if it is Jewish yet. Food made with potato is Jewish. Food made with cantaloupe is Goyish. Melon is Goyish. Cranberries are Goyish. Cranberry in jelly form is Jewish. You can make cranberry sauce from that. All deli is Jewish. Deli wrap is heresy. Football is Goyish. Golf is Goyish. Owning a football team is Jewish. Baseball is Jewish when Hank Greenberg is playing. Basketball is Jewish in Israel. Deli sandwich is Jewish. Rye bread is Jewish. Club is Jewish. Baguette is Jewish because it holds deli well. Pumpernickel is Goyish. Turkey is Goyish. Turkey-pastrami is Jewish. Israel is Jewish. Florida is Jewish. Los Angeles is Goyish. Hollywood is Goyish, if you're a heretic. New York is very Jewish. Cel-Ray is Jewish. Black Cherry Soda is Jewish. Cherry Soda is Goyish. Any soda that was made by a doctor is Jewish. Deli is Jewish. Shul is Jewish. Synagogue is mostly Jewish. Picture from the 1920s is Jewish. Picture from the 1950s is Jewish. Picture from the 1990s is Goyish. Steakhouse is Goyish. Smokehouse is not Jewish. Deli is Jewish.
Anything deli is Jewish. Choolante is Jewish. Potato kugel is Jewish. Anything with a lot of oil is Jewish. Sponge cake is Jewish. Anything that needs schnapps to taste decent is Jewish. Herring is very Jewish. Sardines are acceptably Jewish. I just found out about the Middle Eastern diet. People are losing weight with it. Falafel and Barakas are Goyish.

An ode is meant to be sung, and I sing for the kosher deli. I sing. And I continue to sing. Let me sing more for you about what makes the deli great.

Menus 
A whole menu that is not FDA approved. That is Jewish and I love it.
 
Wait Staff
The only place in America where nepotism still lives. That is how strong tradition is in the deli.
I asked, 'Can I speak to the owner?' They said, 'My dad will be right out.' I heard them go to the back and yell, 'A customer wants to complain,' Warning their dad that there was a Jewish customer in the kosher deli. Kibud Av vEim. Working and honoring your parents at the same time. Love it.
 
Batampte and Mother’s Are Old
The branding looks old. Pictures of Jewish mothers from the 1930s, in apron, and Biblical writing in English on the package. It reminds you where Jewish life started. The Lower East Side. With Yankel and Moishele.
Like the Torah, the deli doesn’t change with time. Abraham was probably eating a corned beef sandwich on rye. There is no picture to prove that. However, there is proof that he did like tongue. And his descendants wore derby hats in the early 1900s.
Mother’s on packages. A brand named after my mom. Thank you for giving her that respect.
 
My Mother
My mother makes that same food. Hence, the brand named after her. This guy gives it to me and doesn’t tell me how heavy I am getting. I am willing to pay extra for that.

Old is Beautiful
It looks old. That is tradition. In a world of plastic surgery and everybody searching for the fountain of youth, the deli is the only place you can go where looking old is praised. You walk into a deli for a meal, you've aged two years. Old is beautiful and the deli represents that.
Delis age you. Eat lunch in a deli for ten years, you'll be thirty years older. I know the math doesn't work. I believe it's the strength of the stench that hits you the first day. It has a greater effect on your old Jewish person smell.
 
More Love for Deli
There is so much more about the deli. By that, I mean food. The next time I will bring you all the deli foods we love. All the different forms of brisket, pastrami and soda made out of vegetables.
The deli is our tradition. It is the connection with the past. Our connection to Abraham. The tradition passed on from generation to generation of saturated fats. The tradition of eating in a living room that has not been cleaned. For this, the deli that we love, the place that says old is beautiful and pastrami smells good, I will fight to keep it alive.
This is why we need more kosher delis. I hope I did my part on behalf of the Jewish community.

The deli is American Jewish tradition. In American Jewish tradition, all Jews come from Europe. That’s the only place Jews come from. Deli is the only true Jewish food. Even turkey-pastrami has a certain amount of guilt that it feels from the time it was cut from the body and cured.
Ever since Jewish life opened to other countries, people started eating falafel and shwarma, and wraps. Now there are smokehouses, threatening the existence of delis. Shame on the Jewish people, giving up salt for smoke. When I went to New York to find they were serving sushi at what was my favorite deli, I knew Jewish life was ruined forever. Now nothing is Jewish anymore.
I am here to remind you some of the reasons why we, American born Jews of tradition, love the deli.
 
The Smell
It's as close a smell as you can get to socks that have been through a marathon in the rain and then ran in again, and then left in the room with the windows down. Yet, it still smells so good. It is the closest you can get to a stench that is unbearable, and yet it's so appetizing. Which makes me ask why I still do laundry.
 
It Is Jewish
Every deli reminds a Jew of the Lower East Side. Jews came from Europe and this is the food they took on the ship with them. The pickling connects us to that tradition, as any pickling process done right can keep the food fresh for well over a century. That is where the deli smell is from; Europe, a hundred years ago.
 
Salami That Hangs
Salami doesn’t smell that bad. But you leave it hanging for two years, something is going to come of that.
 
Pictures of Random Immigrants
A picture of a guy pushing a wagon in the Lower East Side of New York, in the early 1920s, that every deli owner is related to. And then another picture of a guy standing behind a counter, whose face we can barely see behind the hanging salami. These two pictures unite every deli. Whoever the ancestor in that picture is that every person who opens a deli is related to, it is tradition. I love it.

The Tiled Floor
A restaurant that smells pickled, with a checkered floor that looks like a 1950s washroom. Décor does not get better than that. Love it.
 
Carpet that Hasn’t Been Cleaned
If you don’t have the bathroom tiles, it’s decked out in speckled red and blue carpet that looks maroon. This way, we cannot tell how much kishka, stuffed-derma, gravy has spilled on it. I love the thriftiness of not needing somebody to clean the place. I love the smell of hanging salami and cured beef brought from Europe in 1910. I love pictures of random immigrants from Time Magazine that look like family.

There is more to this Ode. I will continue next week with more to love, like Batampte pickles and Mother's, a brand that is named after my mom.

That's a long title. It's more of a thesis in question form. Along with the long title, I will make it a very long article.
Being Jewish in Public is not easy nowadays. You're worried about antisemitism, and for good reason. People blame us for everything. They stub their toe, it's your fault. They're yelling, 'Jews!!!' Traveling and a flight gets cancelled. It's the Jews. If they see a Jew Davening, they blame the prayers. In a restaurant, somebody gets a stomach ache. If they see a Jew walking by, it's the Jews. If they don't see a Jew, it's the Jews. If they meet a Jew they don't like, it's Jews.
When it comes to Jews, they express singular in plural. Hence, the multitudes are blamed, and that means you. Hence, travel can be dangerous. Hence, I bring you techniques to hide your Jewishness for safety.

Wear A Baseball Hat
The traditional way of hiding Frumness, the baseball hat dates back to the Brooklyn Dodgers. For years we have been camouflaging Yiddishkeit with team logos, and random names of cities we've vacationed at. The problem is the anti-Semites have figured out the baseball hat technique.
Baseball hats work as a great Jewish disguise at baseball games. The issue is that baseball games are too expensive. If it wasn't so expensive, we would be able to get season tickets and have a safe summer experience.
I have a feeling the baseball hat never worked. My dad would have his beard, a baseball hat and suit. They know we're Jewish. You can't hide a beard and a suit with a baseball hat. Stopping for gas, letting everybody know you're a New York Yankees fan with Payis. Nonetheless, it's tradition and it's a good place to start. We just need more than the baseball hat.
I would suggest the boater. People also used to love to wear those to baseball games. The problem is they're not comfortable enough. They also throw off the Tefillin. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites, you need a flimsier hat that allows you to dawn your Tefillin. You still want to keep the Mitzvot around the anti-Semites.

Without the Baseball Hat Nothing Else Works
The Kippah is a dead giveaway.
Women don't need a baseball hat. The shaytel works fine as its own Jewish camouflage. They anti-Semites don't notice the extra eight inches of hair volume. They just think you have extensions. Jewish women wear wigs. NonJewish women wear extensions. They can't tell the difference.

Don't Smuggle In Cans to the Movies
They know you're Jewish. I am not suggesting to buy fountain cola. That stuff is way too expensive. Especially when Krogers has a deal on 12oz Coke.
Smuggle in bottles. The fizz makes less noise than the can popping and rattling during the opening credits.

Hide Your Prayers
You can't just go out there and start Davening Mincha, swaying with your eyes closed. Mouthing the Amidah prayer is a dead giveaway.
Hide behind a candy machine for Mincha. Candy machines are the perfect place for masking prayer. People understand you standing there for five and a half minutes, meditating over which chocolate to buy. Praying for a good Mars bar is something everybody does. I always pray by candy machines. Maybe Gd will answer my prayers and give me two for the price of one. Sometimes that extra blessing falls through the spiral.
The phone booth Mincha has worked for our family for generations. They see you in there, not picking up the phone, you might have them thinking you're a superhero. Issue: It's 2023. Everybody has a cellphone. They might have figured out the phone booth method.

Transportation Methods
Davening by your car? It's hard to hide that. Have the car door open. When you bow for Modim, make it look as though you're trying to find something on the floor of your car. When rising from the bow, hold a quarter real high. People will know you found a quarter, and they will understand.
I would suggest the trunk, but that just looks like you're going over the stash of cocaine you're smuggling through.
Hiding your Davening in the airport can be hard. I can only stare at the departure screen for so long before people start asking why I'm reading the carrier number with my lips. For this reason, Jews should stick together and Daven with a Minyin. If you have at least ten men praying together, the chances of being attacked are less. Truth be told, sometimes I take a flight just to catch a Mincha myself.
I don't suggest doing the Amidah with your feet together on the subway. You'll fall.

Try to Be More Inconspicuous When Chasing People Into a Hotel
Chasing people into hotel because you need them to initiate the electric door on Shabbis. It scares them. Jumping on an elevator and getting off on the wrong floor, so that you can get away with walking down a couple flights, it's scary. And I know it's hard to have to walk up the service stairs on Shabbat. But you have to do it if you're hiding your Jewishness. Otherwise, you can get hurt.
They get scared and attack and they have an alibi: 'He was following me… The guy who was talking to himself in the hallway earlier near the candy machine… I don’t know if it was a blessing or he was cursing me. Then he jumped on my elevator... He didn't need my floor. He said "Whatever floor you're going to." So, I attacked... No. I'm not an anti-Semite.’

Cover Your Mouth When Praying
This is the only positive of COVID. The mask. You can always hide your prayers with a mask. Now you don't need to Bitul Zman (waste time) anywhere. On line at the supermarket, you can be saying Tehillim.
The yawn method works well too. Cover your mouth for a really long yawn when leaving the bathroom. They'll have no idea you're saying the Asher Yatzar Bracha. They'll just think Jews yawn for a really long time. At worst, they'll know you're Jewish and think you're very tired.
If you're yawning with a baseball hat and COVID mask, they'll never figure you out. Truth be told, the COVID mask is the perfect disguise. How many Frum Jews have you seen wearing masks?! Exactly. Only apostates walk around with a mask.

Pray With an Earbud
The talking on the cellphone method of prayer has been a great default connection to Gd over the past many years. The only issue is the speed at which one talks to Gd, as opposed to regular conversation; nonJews know that only Jews can talk that fast.

Never Try To Get a Deal
They think Jews like sales. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites correctly, you want to get ripped off. NonJews like getting ripped off. Be sure to pay more. If you can, pay the suggested retail price. Marked up if possible.

Don't Read The Labels
Nobody else reads labels on food, other than Jews. OK. You're going to read labels. You're a good Jew. But don't make it obvious. As hard as it may be, don't ask the waitress if the coffee is kosher. They'll know you're Jewish. NonJews are not showing up to coffee shops looking for kosher lattes and Danish.
Try to read all labels from your spot. Squint if you must. A monocle can be helpful. Best is a monocle that doubles as a magnifying glass. Binoculars will get you in trouble. Nobody looks like they're not a stalker with binoculars. And restaurateurs don't like when you stalk their food.
If you must ask them to see the package, don't tell them you keep Kosher. Nobody respects that. Tell them you're on a serious gluten free diet. People respect gluten.
If you can pull it, let them know you're an inspector. They might let you in the kitchen. While you're there, you can kosher the ovens.

Don't Tell People You Know Everybody
Nobody cares. Not even Jews. Waiters and waitresses don't care if you know they're boss. They hate their boss.
NonJews don't know anybody. They need resumes. They have to go through their whole history of getting fired, and present it on paper, before they can get a job.

Say Stuff Like 'Yo'
'Nu. Shulum Ulayechem.' That gives it away real fast.

Safety Comes First
Always remember to wear your baseball hat. Without it, none of the techniques work.
Use any of these techniques and you'll having them wondering if you're Jewish, and you will be safe. They'll theorize and they may figure you out. But they will never be sure, surmising, 'I think he's Jewish. I saw him haggling with the candy machine. He had a hat and a beard. I think he might be a biker with a minivan. Got those kids with him too. Long sideburns. Maybe they bring them together to make little bikers... Definitely Jewish. I just saw them go into McDonald's. Didn't buy anything. Just using the bathroom. They've got to be Jewish. He asked if the burgers were kosher... I just don't know. All I saw was a baseball hat.'
If you're not worried about anti-Semites killing you, walk around with your baseball hat, Daven on the sidewalk, ask to see each item on the menu, so you can figure out if it's kosher and part of the lunch special. Follow them into the elevator with your binoculars, and pop open a can of Dr. Thunder. And let them know you got a deal on it.

A Tish is a table, a Rebbe's table. I'm not a rebbe. Though, I am a rabbi, and I can tell you that pupils can be very annoying. They follow you everywhere. Ask you questions at the weirdest times. There's a cost to being the spiritual leader. I was once asked a question about my pupil's garden in the middle of a funeral service. No boundaries. I told them tomatoes are a nice addition, and I continued with Bernie's eulogy.
I wanted to see how Chasidim followed their rebbe. So, I joined a Friday night Tish. It was an experience, and I respect the rebbe for putting up with his pupils. A great rebbe.

The Tish Began
They were all looking at the rebbe. Staring at him. He was sitting at the table and they were watching him the whole time. They brought out the food, he started eating, and they all kept on staring at him. I was bothered. I felt bad, and I told them, 'Let the Rebbe eat.'
It's impossible to be sitting at your table, enjoying your food, with everybody looking at you. Have you ever tried eating with people staring at you? You can't. You chew and you're asking yourself if you chewed wrong. A bit of privacy and you can enjoy the Kishka. Here, they're looking at him the whole time. Attentively looking at him. He spills and he knows that's what they're going to be talking about for the next few months. All the Chasidim saying, 'The rebbe's Becher is too big.'
The rebbe is stuck eating tiny bites of Challah. He knows the Chasidim will be talking, 'Did you see the huge bite? He must've been very hungry today.' This rebbe couldn't do anything without them watching.

Every Move The Rebbe Makes is Important and Analyzed
The rebbe, the spiritual leader he is, all of his actions are holy. So, the Chasidim take each move to heart, and analyze it. The rebbe trips, 'Why did he trip?... It must be something you're supposed to do on Shabbis Mevorchim, when we bless the new month. It's tradition. You trip when you're blessing the month of Elul.' Every move is important. The rebbe goes for a dental appointment, it's what the Chasidim are talking about. The dentist is booked for half a year. They're arguing, 'I told you that clean teeth are important. As a community, we have to start flossing more. It's what the rebbe wants.'
At the Tish,  you could hear them whispering to one another, 'And the rebbe is walking to the table... He is now sitting... And he is washing his hands. The crowd is silent.' I heard some of the Chasidim next to me doing a play-by-play, 'The Rebbe is cutting the Challah... Now. He's pouring the salt.' The other guy was commentating, 'He poured too much salt. He has a bad heart. He has to watch it.' 

The Bleachers
Watching the rebbe really is an event. It's kind of like being at huge sports event. That's why they have bleachers and a play-by-play.
They had the big table, with the rebbe at the front, and a bunch of the head Chasidim sitting around the table, and then huge bleachers all around to watch the spectacle. Around a thousand fans watching the rebbe, from the bleachers. 
The Chasidim love watching it, as each move of the rebbe is holy. Even the rebbe eating. I know this, as I heard, 'And they're now bringing out the fish forks. I believe it's gefilte fish tonight.' The next guy shouted with excitement, 'It is gefilte fish. Holy fish.'

The Rebbe's Cup
That's an expensive cup. I was wondering where the community monies go to. It goes to the Becher.

The Chasidim Take His Food Too
They call it Shiraim. This is where the food becomes holy and the Chasidim steal it from the rebbe. The rebbe's taking in some boiled chicken, and they're all reaching for it, 'The rebbe's eating chicken.' Kugel comes out, they're all reaching for it, yelling, 'It's Lokshen Kugel.' 
He took his first bite, and bam, all the Chasidim are reaching for his food. They're not just staring at his food. They're taking it. One Chasid hurled himself at the table, yelling, 'He touched it. It's holy.' 
This is why the guy was excited about the rebbe eating gefilte fish. He wanted to grab at the grounded up carp.
I'm just happy that the holiness didn't cause a scuffle in the bleachers. My hands didn't move fast enough to get any Kugel. My Tish reaching abilities are undeveloped.

The Most Beautiful Songs
That's what I noticed it was all about. Holiness and a shared spiritual Shabbat experience.
The rebbe is a conductor. He lifted his hand, and they got louder. He banged the table, and the zeal of the Chasidim shined.
The dancing was amazing as well. The step forward step back in a non-moving line, with intertwined arms is a beautiful staple of the Tish. It was modern Israeli dancing at its best.
It became more lively as the evening went on. When the rebbe started banging, the Chasidim were announcing, 'He wants us to sing with more enthusiasm.' And the singing became even more beautifully intense. Some even started doing the backhanded Shabbat clap, where you clap the back of your hand with your palm, to make it different from a regular clap (which you can hear), due to musical instrument laws on Shabbat. In the end, the dancing line turned into Davening. I think they were praying. They were definitely shuckling.

The Rebbe Reacts
I heard the rebbe talking, as the Chasidim did. I went near him, as he started banging more. I wanted to know what he was really saying, as the Chasidim became more committed to the songs and prayer dance. He was banging and saying, 'Where is My Tzimis? Who took the Tzimis? And where is the Kugel? It was here a second ago. Was it Yankel? He always takes my food. That was a good Kugel. Who took it?!'
His hands went in the air, and I as I approached closer, I heard, 'Where’s my wife? Did they kick her out? We were supposed to eat together.' And then he banged again, 'That is not how you harmonize!!! Get the harmony down!!! You don’t sing like that... And clapping with the back of your hand doesn't work. You don’t clap like this!!!' And the Chasidim were still all singing. With one more hit of the table, the Chasidim sang with more fervor, and the rebbe yelled out, 'Where are the napkins?! You've all taken my food with your hands, and there are no napkins.' At which point, the sponge cake came out and the rebbe didn't even get a chance to touch it, before the Chasidim took it. 
It was Yankel who stole it. 

To sum it up, it was a beautiful Erev Shabbat. The respect the Chasidim have for their rebbe is admirable. My congregation wants me fired. I believe the rebbe appreciates that his pupils don't want him to have any downtime. They look up to his every action.
The rebbe loves his Chasidim. I just believe that at this Tish, he wanted some of his food for himself. It's just sometimes hard for the rebbe to get a decent meal, without being bothered. I am just happy my congregants are a bunch of heretics.

Next week, we shall focus on how the Chasidim follow the rebbe, and don't let him rebbe sleep.

INTERNATIONAL
We like to start with the international news first, as it includes all the news. We'll then break it down to give the feeling like there is more to the news than what is happening around the world.
•The pilgrimage to Rav Nachman's gravesite in Uman is being called off by the Ukrainian government this year (JTA).  To quote one not very prominent rabbi, 'I guess there's no Rosh Hashana this year.' Many Jewish leaders are amazed at the Ukraine's ability to call off a Jewish holiday. 
And now many chasidim from all over the world are willing to go to war. To quote, 'If I have to go to war, I will. Anything to not have to spend Rosh Hashana with my wife.' Other fringe groups of Frum Jews have decided to just not do Rosh Hashana. As one representative said, 'If I have to be with my family, what's the point in praying?'
•Jews are flocking to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates thanks to new relations with Israel. And the people of Dubai are already finding ways to make money off Jews. And that means selling food. As the Israeli tourists made clear, 'We don't care about your country. We traveled here for a bit to eat.'
To quote David Rubin: 'Kosher catering has opened in Dubai. We discussed this during Kiddush at our shul last week. Which means it's newsworthy. We all agreed that they will need to open a second Kosher caterer in Dubai so Jews feel at home, and can say how much they hate the first caterer.' To note, all the people at Kiddush hate the other shul.
David also reported on the new kosher bakery that has not been doing well. 'Feh,' snapped Mrs. Stein. 'Ahmed's bakery in downtown Dubai has better bagels than you.' It turns out that Mrs. Stein is an anti-Semite who thinks only Jews eat bagels.

SHUL LIFE
•The Gabai (sexton) couldn’t find a Kohen this past week to call up to the Torah for an Aliyah. He asked the congregation in the middle of davening, from the Bima (stage), 'Is there a Kohen here?' He turned to the membership and announced it. He did not ask silently. The Shul is now a shtiebel.

LOCAL
•There's a sales tax moratorium in New York State. Now people are happy to purchase a dozen eggs for five dollars. That includes Jews. As Rachel said, 'That means it's Jews news.'

RELIGIOUS
•JNS reports that a Mikvah, ritual bath, was uncovered near the Temple Mount, during a Hebrew University excavation, or by some students skipping class. 
How did they know that it was a ritual bath? No bar of soap was found there. The students jumped in and they were not clean. It's a Mikvah.

ISRAEL
•Another election will be taking place in November. The last elections were held in March of 2021, causing many neighborly fights. To quote Tzachi's neighbor (Tzachi is our man on the ground in Israel), 'We didn't have politics to fight over, so I knocked over his garbage can.'
Many Israelis have been reported as saying, 'It's been too long. We need something to do. The past year has been very annoying. We need something to vote on.' One unnamed citizen complained, 'My husband stopped eating meat. Now we can't even vote on going out for meat or dairy.' One innocent bystander said, 'We don't even have anything to protest. We already fired the rabbi at our shul.'
•(Janglo) Israel has taken in tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees. All of whom are protesting the Israeli government. And none of which read the Janglo website.
Thanks to the war in the Ukraine, Yisrael Beiteinu are now favored to win the upcoming elections. They are slated to receive eight new government seats. In response, Avigdor Lieberman wants to thank Putin for all he has done.
•Israeli broadcast is in trouble for broadcasting from Mecca. 'Israeli Channel 13 chief international news editor Gil Tamari is facing criticism for breaking a Saudi ban on non-Muslims visiting Mecca' (JNS). The Israeli broadcaster figured that if he can't go to the Temple Mount to do a broadcast, he might as well go to Mecca.
In Israel this was reported as, 'Israeli is in trouble again. The world doesn't want Israelis visiting.' 
•Ben Shapiro visited Israel and gave a speech to a packed audience, where he explained why he didn't move to Israel. To quote an attendee, 'He is so eloquent and convincing. I am moving back to America. As a new Israeli, his message of not being in Israel speaks to me.' Now, many of the Olim, immigrants to Israel, have decided to make Yeridah, and leave Israel.
What Ben Shapiro left out of his presentation is that he has not made Aliyah, because he is making a lot of money. Ben Shapiro finally made it clear that Israel is not 'a light unto the nations.' The real light to the nations is the Jews that can afford a decent home in Hollywood, Florida.
•London-based, pro-ISIS preacher calls for jihad against Israel (JNS). The Kibbitzer staff is questioning if this is news.​ Please let us know if this is news.

JEWISH COMMUNITY
​•Anti-Semitism still exists.
•J has substituted the word Jewish. JFamily. JPeople. JDate. To quote Mark, 'Thank God. Jewish is too long. All religions and people should be limited to one letter.' Muslims are in discussion of claiming the letter 'm.' 
It started with Sesame Street when they said, '"J" is for Jewish.' Now we know it does. It turns out that the world hates the letter 'J' now.

SPORTS
•The French Super Cup will host a match in Israel, at Bloomfield Stadium, with Messi and no Israelis. This is the most exciting game to ever happen in Israel. The president of Israel's soccer association wants to reassure the Israeli fans, 'We're doing everything we can to not have Israelis playing in Israel.'
•The 21st Maccabiah is on its last stretch. 
Jews pulled in a lot of medals at this years Maccabiah. Israel did amazing. The Israeli swim team is feeling very successful, thinking about not competing in the next Olympics. One gold medalist said, 'We're amazing. We're pulling so many more medals when nonJews are not competing.'
​To quote the winning basketball team, 'We are so proud to win this. As Jews, we feel that this will bring a lot of pride to our people.'
•Joel Embiid, the center for the Philadelphia 76ers, dances the hora at Jewish friend's wedding. That's exciting. It's always makes Jews feel good when famous nonJew does something Jewish. It gives us the hope that they'll convert. It's almost as exciting as seeing a Jew in a movie; Jewish attendance quadruples at movies that has a Jew in them. We're hoping that the hora was very meaningful and that Joel Embiid will now accept upon himself the laws of the Torah.
We don't know if he truly danced the hora, as most Jews reported that he's tall, and that's it. If they would've been able to see his head, they would've been more excited to report that he's wearing a yarmulke. 

​Finishing off the Florida Trilogy, as it is winter and Jews are still there. All fine pieces of cinema and literature should be written in trilogy form. Hence, the third article about how I can’t afford vacation.
Vacation is a week of me turning homeless.
 
I Am Homeless
I show up to the airport and I am a homeless man looking for a place to sleep. A week as a homeless man. That's vacation. Me as a dispossessed person. That's vacation to me. I leave the warmth and enjoyment of my home, and try to find another place to stay, really far from my home.
Homelessness is a realization I came to upon arguing with the hotelier at the forty dollar a night motel resort, when I found out that there were resort fees. Arguing that a chair on pavement patio doesn’t make one a resort, was the realization of homelessness.
Some call it a motel. It's a homeless man looking for shelter.

Homeless in Florida Still Need Shelter
I learned that I can't sleep on the street. As warm as it is, I need a place to stay. Growing up in a Jewish middle class neighborhood, I did not cultivate homeless beach sleeping skills. Truth is, all the good spots on the beach were taken by other New Yorkers who made their way south.
I should’ve done a Mitzvah and started an awareness campaign. My Jewish charity upbringing had me thinking that we need to raise money for vacationers down here. Next time I vacation I’m starting a Tzedakah. If the vacationers have any hope of enjoying Disney World, they’re going to need assistance.
 
I Found The Place To Stay Online
Even homeless people have internet access nowadays.
I went to Booking.com and found the cheapest place. It was a motel. What's worse is they called it a hotel. The only thing worse than a motel, is a motel they call a hotel. That’s how I ended up at the motel resort. 
That first night, I rolled my luggage in and made it clear, 'I just need a decent shower, some hot water and a roof over my head for the night.' I was homeless. Like any homeless man, ​I just wanted a decent place to sleep and shower for the night. The local migrant homeless already took up the beach. All the good spots for cardboard were taken.
 
I Can’t Call It A Hotel or A Resort
This motel is where homeless people stay.
I know it is politically correct to allow people to identify how they like. However, offensive as it may be, I had a hard time calling the Silver Spray Motel a hotel. It was gutsy to use the brand of insect repellent in their motel name. I respect them for that. Even so, I couldn’t go along with them self-identifying as a hotel. For that matter, it was hard to call my homeless motel room, with the last guy’s sheets on my bed, a resort.
Self-identifying has its limits. A hotel needs a lobby. At least a cushioned chair to sit on when I’m waiting for my room. Folding chairs don’t bring resort status.

Homelessness is Expensive
It’s expensive to not have money. Ask my bank and the credit card guy about the fees for not having money. And it's more expensive to be homeless than to live in a home. Even when I go camping, I'm paying more than staying at my house.
Camping is another scam we can talk about. You are literally without shelter, and they charge you for that.
 
Staying At Home Is A Better Vacation
I gave up heat, a nice kitchen, surround sound, a good shower that I know how to adjust. I'm going to travel to my house next time.
My home allows me to stay. The hotel kicks me out at 11am. From 11am to 4pm I was literally without lodging. That's why I have to vacation someplace warm. The only positive in Florida is that I didn't freeze when I was on the streets. 
I am going to stop traveling really far for vacation. The problem with vacation is that my house is really far away now. I didn't think about the commute home when I went on vacation. If it's an option to vacation and commute home every night, that shall be my next destination.
 
I Now Travel with A Backpack
The new travel baggage fees have brought me to this. I now travel with as little as possible. Tooth floss, phone and Tefillin. That’s it. Tefillin and Tallit fill the limit. If I can justify a coat, I'll smuggle a sandwich.
Thanks to Spirit Airlines, I travel with nothing. No clothes. The fees scare me. I show up to Florida, a homeless man who has to go shopping. I pick up new undergarments in every city I visit. It’s cheaper to buy pants there too.
I’m a backpacker. A forty-four-year-old backpacker. I would stay at youth hostels, but I can get arrested for that.
Charging for me to carry stuff on the plane? For me to hold stuff?!

I Have To Eat
Where do I get food? I had food in my fridge. Vacationing at home is better.
I have to go to a restaurant, a mini-mart that charges fifteen bucks for milk, or I have to show up to Shacharit at some shul and hope somebody is sponsoring breakfast. I spent my money on my carry-on during my last trip. It’s going to have to be shul.
When I’m traveling, I’m a dear member of all Jewish communities where I don’t pay dues. Your Simcha is my happiness when I need food.

I Got to Know the Locals
When you don't have money for the sites, you get to know the people. Getting to 'know the culture of the locals,' is the homeless man's way of vacationing.

I Slept On Public Transit
I was on a bus and I fell asleep. It was comfortable. Thank Gd for buses.
At the time, I felt like I was connecting with the locals. Then, I saw the locals driving. 
Not even public transportation. Public transit. That's how you know you're homeless. I didn't even care where the bus was going. I didn't ask. It was all an experience. A homeless experience.
Don't tell me to take Uber. I spent that money on my carry on. And most cars don't have the legroom necessary for a decent nap.

I Was Going to Jump Into Waves
That sounded fun to me, and my Israelis brethren and sistren were also doing it, which meant it was financially sound. The shekel does not cover amusement parks.
The sand was too comfortable. I fell asleep.

As I talked about last week, next time, I'm going to relegate myself to Florida visitations. I don't have vacation money. I have visitation money. I can visit. If nobody takes me in, I’m vacationing at home.
I'm going to enjoy my vacation. If I turn up the thermostat a bit, I can be warm in Rochester. Shoot. Now I have to start saving up to pay for the gas. There is no way around it. Yeshiva Week is expensive.

​ 
Any vacation I am on, I feel like I'm getting ripped off. Even when I buy a yogurt, it's an awful feeling. $1.50 for Chobani. It's 89¢ in Rochester, at Shmuli’s local bodega, with a coupon. The only bodega I know with coupons.
Everything I did on vacation, I know I got ripped off. When I can’t find a supermarket or a mega-store, I know I got ripped off. When I see a shot glass with the name of the place I am visiting, I got ripped off. When I buy a shirt for kids, and it's not at Marshalls, I got ripped off. When there are fees, I got ripped off.
Here's what I spent my money on in Florida. I hope this prepares you for the shock of having to pay for stuff when you leave your home. If you are bringing the family, good luck. They’ll get you on family fees.

Fees
Expenses you didn't even think were a thing. Stuff that makes no sense, you're paying for that on vacation. Tips for people you never even saw. Tips for the guy who said hello and held the door, that you didn't even know worked there. They're called fees.
The word 'fees' is vague, so you can't complain when they charge you. If you knew they were charging for the extra key to the room you are paying for already, you would go crazy. Fees means 'anything we want to charge you for.' If they wrote down that you had to pay for the paper towels, you would protest it. So, they call it 'fees.'
I question tips for people who did me a favor. In Florida, I have to tip the righteous Tzadiks that are doing me favors from inside the kitchen. I never even met them. It's a fee.
They know you're on vacation in Florida and they're going to get you on fees. It's a category of billing, called vacation fees. Fees for smiling people.

Resort Fees 
Florida got me on something they called a resort fee. A resort fee?! A forty dollar a night hotel resort fee. Even the motel got me on a resort fee. No motel has ever been considered a resort. By calling yourself a motel, you are making it clear to your customers that you are keeping the resort people away. Before Florida, I never met anyone that had the gall to tell me I was staying at a tropical paradise motel.
They were shocked when I explained to them, 'An umbrella doesn't make you a resort.' They made it clear that there was a chair too. They said 'the chair is for lounging. Resort.'
One 'resort,' I had to pay a condo fee. These people are renting to me by the night, and they haven't covered their monthly expenses. They're depending on me for their bills. I had to pay for maintenance, gas and electric, a plumbing issue, an extra layer of drywall to keep out the noise from the guy next door, parking in my resort, a Tropicana out of the vending machine, and the resort fee. The resort didn't even offer orange juice.
Yes. I was disturbed to have to pay for parking and my juice at the motel resort. 

Car Rental Places Make It Worse
With the extra fees, I feel like I went and got my car fixed. They have fees for driving it, using the road. It's the local road and I've got to get a pass to use it. There's a gas fee, a usage fee, a friend fee. I'm guessing that's the rental guy. He's my new friend. 
If I have insurance, why do I have to pay for insurance?! How did car rental guy still charge me for insurance? Those are questions the rabbis didn't discuss in the Talmud, as they are too complicated. 
I don't know how I ended up paying car insurance. I had car insurance and he still got me on car insurance. It must be called vacation insurance. Car vacation insurance. I felt like I was at the mechanic. That's how ripped off I felt. These guys are car mechanics that got into the hospitality business.  
And then I have to take pictures and video the car, to not get charged more for dust hitting the car. That's another fee. It's called a speck fee. Half of my vacation is spent checking the car. I ended up parking it and leaving it, just in case there were extra fees for using it. Wait. Parking is another fee.

The Car Rental Guy Works With The Hotel
When you rent the room on Booking.com, they don’t tell you you're going to get screwed over with parking. I couldn't afford that after the car rental fees.
Don't tell me to use Uber. I don't need a random local guy ripping me off. I like a company involved in the fraud. I like it corporate.
I drove around all of South Florida. Not one free parking spot.
Point: Vacation is very frustrating. I definitely end up blaming the guy who has no say, who is just charging me.

I'm Not Good at Tipping for an Umbrella
I thought I paid. Thinking that you've finished paying makes vacation very uncomfortable for everybody else. You pay, and then you have to pay more, and then they tax that too. And then there are fees.
I didn't realize I had to tip too. After $300 a day per person, I thought we had paid. That was Disney World right there. Uncomfortable. You have to be ready for the $300 and fees, and tips. You can't expect for somebody to help you for free.
Next time somebody does me a favor in Florida, I am not saying 'thank you.' I am just going to give them money. That's appreciated.

Got to Eat at Restaurants
If I'm not broke yet, I have to eat. It’s either the restaurant or the mini mart. The problem is they don’t have tables at the mini mart, and the kids will remember eating at a mini mart. Their friends will remember it too, when they share what they did for vacation. 
Third grade teachers are fools. Who has the kids sharing their intimate family stuff? Make sure they did a decent vacation before asking them to share it with the class. Let the ones that went skiing in Colorado share it. 

I Have to Eat Kosher
That's another two thousand dollars. That's the kosher fee.

Families Belong at Home - Not on Vacation
Dad is going to get mad. Every dad is angry on vacation, because they have to pay. Family vacations cost, and they go bad because mom and dad are spending a lot of money. When they see the kids not smiling, that's anger fodder. 
I heard a dad at the Motel Resort yelling, ‘We’re going to have a good time. We're going to have good family times.’ You never have a good time when dad says you’re going to have a good time. ‘We’re going to smile. Everybody is going to smile.' He demanded smiles. 'I invested a lot of money on family time. Smile!!! I just got a resort fee, because they gave us towels. It's a motel! It is not a resort! And no more Greek yogurt. I can't afford yogurt for everybody. You think I'm made of tips…Sorry, honey. I thought it was all good once we paid for the flight.' And then dad gets hit with another fee for having a license and having to park. And when they saw the kids, they charged them a family fee having them. 
Knowing how much dad spent, I was happier as a single man, only having to work overtime for the next half year.

What I Learned About My Vacation Money
​I might have enough money to vacation in Toronto. They don't have resort fees in Toronto. They tried getting people on the umbrellas concept, but that didn't sell in subzero temperatures. They couldn't argue with the fact there was no sun. They tried getting me to tip once, but I just stayed in the cold and the bellhop ran back inside.
​Thank Gd, I have a home. I'm going to enjoy my winter there. I already covered maintenance. Bills are paid. There are no extra fees.
​Next time I travel outside of city limits, I am planning in advance. I've already spoke to my boss about a 401k.

I went to Florida last week and realized I should not be vacationing. I can travel,  but I can't vacation.
I went down Florida because I had to. It's tradition to go to South Florida in the winter, and I am a good Jew. I even pronounce Florida with eight syllables. I am a very good Jew. I've been to Israel, but I know that the good Jews go to Florida when it's cold. Even the Israelis go to Florida. You go to Israel for the pilgrimage festivals. You go to Florida for the winter.
Traveling is good. Vacationing is the issue. Throughout my spiritual quest of being where my ancestors have voyaged for winters, I learned a lot about why I shouldn't vacation. Yeshiva Week is coming and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Save up. If you're going to anything called a destination, learn from my monetary miscomings, and start saving.

VACATION MONEY IS DIFFERENT
This is called empathy.

My Vacation Financial Situation
If you have to find work, in order to ensure you have a place to sleep, that kills the vacation experience.  
I have living money. I don't have vacation money. I have homeowners and rent money. I don't have 'put down the month's rent to have shelter for a night' money. I don't have 'I'm going away for Pesach' money. I have 'I will clean my house for Pesach' money. 
I can afford the flight. I was set. I clicked that button on Orbitz and Travelocity. I clicked many buttons. I got all the way to the end and saved on the insurance. I figured, I don't need it, I can commit, and I have extra pocket change. I had no idea I would have to pay for stuff once I got to Florida. I heard they were kind people down there. What we call Ba'alei Chesed.

Hotels Cost Money
That would've been nice to know.
I have enough money to get to Miami Beach. I don't have the money to stay. I didn't realize I had to pay for stuff once I got there, like a place to sleep. Hotels cost money. 
Calling $1,000 a night for a family 'hospitality' is a mockery of Hachnasat Orchim, welcoming guests. It's bad Chinuch. After all the money spent on Jewish Day School, you don't teach children that you charge four figures for lodging when you have guests. Avraham Our Father wasn't in the tent business for the money.
There's a certain amount you need to make vacationing worth it. I don’t have that money. Paying for the flight isn't enough. I thought it was. You’re there. Now you have to spend $2,000 a day on stuff you didn't even realize would cost, like somebody helping you. I thought people helped with my bags because it's a Mitzvah. They expect tips for their acts of loving kindness. 

Be Ready For Other Expenses
Kosher food doesn't get cheaper on vacation.

I Didn't Save Up
It was my fault. I only started saving up last spring. 
I don't think ahead long enough to plan a vacation right. I should've started a mutual fund years ago, before the five days in Florida. I didn't plan it correctly. I messed up my vacation plans when I got a masters in social work.
I'm not even talking about skiing. If you have enough money to go skiing, you might as well vacation. And what kind of a Jew puts on an outfit that doesn't allow them to eat?!

I Spent All Vacation Funds I Had
I bought Tefillin.

How Much Yeshiva Week Costs
You spent 30K to send your kid to Jewish day school. That's just one of them. Disney World is not going to be any less than that. For each additional child, add ten thousand to the family trip, and invest wisely. You need a college fund, a Tefillin fund, and a family trip fund. 
Your kids are going to expect you to spend and you didn't think that putting the name of a town on a sweatshirt would bring up the price eighty dollars. The kids are going to need proof that you put your savings down on them.

The Family Is Joining
Trips are fine for most people who got a degree that's not social work. However, when you add family to trip, no degree helps with the Yeshiva Week cost. The hotel, the flight the rent a car and the restaurants. The kids will want more pizza. After two days of pizza, the excitement wears off.

SPEND YOUR VACATION DIFFERENT
You're different. Accept it. You don't have money for Yeshiva Week, because you spent it all on Yeshiva.

I Have Different Kinds of Money
I don't have vacation money. I have visitation money. I can travel to visit you. I can go down south to stay in your house for a week. 
I can pay for the flight and visit you. You have to provide the accommodations and board. I travel to you for the college spring break experience. That's why I say it's rude when you suggest a hotel. I don't have the other two thousand dollars. I needed another six months of work, and I didn't plan that.
I can travel out to the island and crash by you. The couch is fine. I will deal. For me, vacationing is about finding worse living arrangements than my house.
 
Positive Family Time
I have the monies for visitations.
I suggest you refocus your Yeshiva week time and do visitations. Visitations are where you make it to the destination where everybody else is vacationing. You then put the responsibility of entertaining your family on your siblings that live there.
Let your brothers and sisters know, if they don’t want you visiting, you’re still coming for Shabbis. That’s the Jewish way. Even the wealthy skiers visitate on their vacation for Shabbis.

The Visitation Sale 
​Your family won’t go for the visitation when they realize that your sister doesn’t live on the beach.
Tell the family they're going to see their cousins. Let them know how important family is, and that is the reason there won't be any water parks. You will have quality time with the family and your kids will hate you. Accept that your kids will hate you and you will save a lot of money. They will grow up well-adjusted individuals who don't expect you to pay for their children's schooling.
Visitations are also great, as they prepare the kids for the realities of life. No matter how annoying your cousins are, they're going to have to see them at Simchas, and at least one of their friends will end up in jail.

They Need Yeshiva Week Scholarships
They give scholarships to the kids for school. What happens when the grandparents don't pay for vacation?
Every Jewish dad feels this way. It's too much money. Even if your dad is smiling on vacation, he's mad. They all hate Yeshiva Week.
So, just know that when you go on that ride, when you go jet skiing, your dad is thinking about how he's going to have to work time and a half. This Yeshiva week, thank your parents for the flight, don't ask to eat out, and be happy staying at the motel. The hotel money was spent on your tuition.

Next time I shall take you into detail as to what happens to me on vacation, when  I go down to Florida and don't save up money. In the meantime, no matter how you spend it. Even if it's at a motel, enjoy the family time.

Call for Chesed: If you have a home in South Florida, please let us know if you are open for visitations.

Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology. 
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it.
If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English.

Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante.
Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin.
Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. 
Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things.
Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite.
Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak.
Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul.
Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’
Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other.
Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher.
Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. 
Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk.
Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money.
Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man.
Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish.
Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. ​
Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil.
New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate.
Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. 
Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers.
Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources.
Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man.
Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him.
Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence.
Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. 
Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. 
Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread.
Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling.
Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas.
Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. 
Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat.
Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba  and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse.
Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing.
Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him.
Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People.
Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we...

I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat.
Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism.
May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman.

​Kippahs have been traditionally worn as head coverings to unite people around the world in hatred of Jews. In Israel however, the kippah is a political statement of your beliefs and who you want to marry (so that other Jews can unite in hatred of you). Whether you call it a Kippa, Kippah, Yarmulke, Skullcap, what you wear is how I will define you. Here's a list of some of the most popular kippahs, the styles, and why they are worn:
 
Velvet Kippah
Big in the Chassidic and Yeshiva communities, you wear this and you are immediately accepted as a decent Jew who is serious about learning Torah. Jewish style starts in Brooklyn, and for this reason most every Jewish community has adopted this look.
Black is the color. The velvet yarmulke should not be turquoise or any kind of blue, unless if you are a child. You will never get a shidduch and find your true match if you are found wearing red velvet.
 
The Kippah Srugah – Knit Kippah
The knit kippah is a political statement meaning you are Zionistic, and you should move to Israel if you want to meet your better half. Zionists like to crochet- not many people know that. Non-Zionists will sew, but they don't crochet. Neither embroiders.
To show you're very Zionistic, wear the Israeli army kippah in knit form. Wearing the army yarmulke in cloth form will confuse people. You'll end up marrying a girl who wears jeans but doesn't allow TV or the internet in the house.
Remember, the kippah is more important than the action. No need to join the army itself. Wearing the kippah, you get just as much honor and are appreciated enough for your political beliefs.
 
The Soloveitchik
This Black Kippah is similar to the velvet, but without the velvet outside. Just the inside doubled up. Known as the Soloveitchik, this easy to breath velvet style is the summer go to option. Jewish men perspire three times more than the average male. Nothing to do with the Yarmulke; it's the extra choolante and sorbet eaten during the summer months. With the Soloveitchik, you only perspire twice as much.

The Chabad
A velvet or Soloveitchik kippah with designs and words on it. Designs of trains are usually added to it. Trains with Aleph Bet letters inside. You get the kippah when you're three, and you wear the same one, always. That's how you teach tradition. To note, this is the only velvet kippah that's allowed to be blue. It's understood that it was given to you as a youngster, before you were looking for a wife. 
The Army of H' Kippah is a collectors item. That's why you never see anybody wearing that one. You also don't learn very much about self defense in the Army of H'. Though, you do learn about Torah and serving Gd. So, I wouldn't suggest showing off that you're part of that army, unless if you're ready to summon your enemies in a battle of prayer.
 
Knit Kippah that Was Knitted for You with Your Name on It
Big in the 1980s modern orthodox America scene, this meant love. Anybody can purchase a knitted kippah. However, getting your name knitted on the kippah and then to have Shira’s name on the inside; that's the greatest show of devotion any teenager could exhibit. That means somebody cared about you enough to crochet and not listen during Bible and Halacha class.
Many married men wear this kippah from their youth to remind them of somebody they love.
Side Note: I love those old Jewish jokes about wives and mothers-in-laws. I think that last line falls into the category.
 
Machine Knit
What I wear on Shabbat to save $30. And what I always wore, because I never had a girlfriend growing up.
Hand knit is not mentioned in this article, as I am not a classist. I'm not going to ostracize the 99% of the population that can't afford knit by hand or a date.
 
The Carlebach
This kippah says you have more hair than the average Jew. This kippah is crocheted like the knit kippah, but with thick yarn. Three times the size of a knit kippah and less than half the weave, this Rasta tam headwear is very popular with the hippie Jewish people who have never been to Jamaica.
When making my own, I go for the Sruga Carlebach hybrid, where I take extremely thick yarn and weave three loops and call it a kippah. The yarn is a great time saver.
The settlers use this thickness of yarn. They’re the closest to hippies, as they live in a Woodstock type atmosphere year-round. With Settler thick payis, one could get away with less yarn.
 
The Bucharian
This is the original big kippah and yet it still pales in size to the Cohen’s headdress. Originating in Asia, these most colorful kippahs drew their uniqueness and design from their local imaginative culture, the same way the Ashkenazik Jews drew the black kippah from European culture. Jewish culture and cuisine are influenced by the excitement of surrounding nations, which is why European Jews wear black to identify with European ethos of living in lament.
Along with the Carlbeach, large knit and huge velvets, this kippah is tactfully used to cover baldness. If you notice, as Jews age the yarmulke becomes larger, even if they are not becoming more religious.
 
Felt With Sports Team
This means you went to some boy’s Bar Mitzvah over the past 6 years.
 
Suede
This says you are an American traditional Jew, have no opinion about Israel, went to Hebrew day school for 12 years and can’t speak Hebrew.
The suede style also means nobody loved you enough to knit you one. Though the knitted usually comes out poorly shaped, once made for you, you would have to wear it or you would get in trouble. Nobody has ever knit a suede yarmulke for anybody. If any ladies are reading, I would gladly take a suede kippah with my name glittered on it. I would be fine with any bedazzlement.
 
Suede with Name & Date Inside
This means you attended a Bar Mitzvah or wedding in the 1980s. In the 1980s you would go for a weekend celebration and get a yarmulke so that you would have something, along with the Birkat Hamozon Blessing Book, you couldn’t find when the celebrants visited you.
I cherish these 1980s celebrations with the attendance imprint on all items. When my friend Abby got Bar Mitzvahed, some people thought that was a girl’s name on the inside of my yarmulke. I felt loved.
Nowadays, you just receive a felt yarmulke with a random sports teams on it. There is no name. No date on the inside. And then they expect you to remember the exact day the boy went up to read the Torah. They quiz you about the generic yarmulke when they visit. How am I supposed to remember that Chaim from Nova Scotia who got Bar Mitzvahed 18 years ago’s favorite baseball team is the Marlins? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how why there is a 'C' in the marlin logo. 
 
The Paper Yarmulke
You showed up at the Kotel and weren’t prepared. Now everybody knows you are not a religious Jew. 
They're going to bring back the paper kippahs when they realize how much fun Jewish origami is. Nothing is as fun as folding paper and using staples. That's how Jews origami. It's easier and smarter. Still trying to figure out how the people of the Far East never thought of staples.
 
The Satin Reflector
This means safety is important to you, or that you grew up in the 1940s and were born before the modern state of Israel. The safest of all kippahs, this shiny yarmulke should always be worn at night. Wearing the Satin Reflector during daylight hours is also a strong statement that you are married and not trying to look good.
Note: Never purchase the Satin Reflector. You can always find this kippah in the shul’s Kippah box. In the coatroom, you can also find the reflector vest box, for late night walking home in the winter. Boxes are an important part of synagogue life.

Traditional Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke
Made from satin or silk, these make it easier to spot the non-religious relatives. When the sexton chooses who gets the honors, he looks around at the Bar Mitzvah guests and knows that these people with the satin kippah perched on the top of their gelled hair are not the ones to call up to the Torah. 

White Satin
You are a thief. You stole this from the hotel. We know this because the name of the hotel is on the kippah.
 
The Black & White Yarmulke
I came across this design at a Jewish peace rally. Not to be confused with the black and white cookie, the cloth is not edible. Half is made of velvet and half is crocheted. This yarmulke has brought no peace between the different movements, as it is the ugliest kippah ever made and nobody wants to be seen wearing it. For a moment though, many Jews united in hatred of this kippah.

The Sleeper
This is similar to the Carlebach in size. However, it has a little tassel on the top of it. It's white and worn by many Jerusalem Chasidim, along with many NaNach Breslovers. You can find the sleeper without the tassel, but that makes it harder to hang near the bed.
No NaNach would wear the non-tasseled Sleeper. Nothing beats jumping out of the van at the traffic light with the tassel and Payis flying to modern disco thumping and lyrics of 'Nachman MeyUman. Rebbe Nacham MeyUman.'

The Toupee
Along with the baseball cap, this is used as Jewish camouflage when traveling. It's also a great way to show solidarity with the religious Jewish women who have to walk around with the discomfort of a wig. 
To note, the toupee doesn't lessen the sweat.

Yarmulke designs are endless. You can get the silk kippah if you have no style. The knit coaster, easily crocheted in five minutes, when you need a kippah on the go. The knit coaster is tiny and is great if you enjoy the sensation of a fly on your head. Though many say the size is not Kosher, this yarmulke is the easiest to fit the Tefillin over. Now, I ask who is more religious.
Many wear a Fez when they want to make the political statement that they are pro-Morocco. I even purchased a camouflage design, but the green does not camouflage baldness. For this reason, I now camouflage with the velvet. And the designs go on with the Hesder Yeshiva large knit, the bandana for sports, the hardened velvet cone style for people with weirdly shaped heads. There's so much you can do with a kippah. You can fold it over and make a Hamentash. You can even write your political opinions on it, if the kippah is not clear enough.
Whatever you decide, choose your kippah and political statement wisely, and look decent. Be sure to pick the right kippah, so you don't end up marrying the person. Know who you want to marry and pick out the right kippah so that everybody knows what you really think about them.

Next time, we will talk about where to place the Kippah on your head, so that you don't look like a heretic. 

At the heart of the Jewish people is song. Starting back in the Beit Hamikdash (the Temple) the Levites would bring music to the Jewish people. Most Levites nowadays have bad voices. It's a shame. Nonetheless, it does not stop the Levi from singing. Nor does it stop all Jewish people from singing.
From the kumzits sit down sing along with the youth movement, to the Chassidic Tish around the rebbe's table, to Tefillah where we pray to songs that are not written to the prayer, to the post Shabbat Havdalah service, no matter what movement you're connected to, you're singing. You're singing songs of tradition. You're singing the lyrics of King David's Tehillim, the psalms of inspiration. Why rewrite the songs? We've had great lyrics for 3,000 years.
Here are many of the great songs of our tradition, that let us know we're singing as Jews. And some non-Tehillim Jewish greats, which remind us that people abandon tradition.

Shabbat Shalom Hey
Those are the lyrics. That's the song. The lyrics are great. No need to add to them. Though, somebody realized that adding a 'hey' to 'Shabbat' will make for an instant classic. They knew that adding another word, like an 'Oy,' would be too much. For the chorus, add in a few 'Shabbats,' make sure somebody high-pitches, and you've got a one of the greatest songs of all time.
After singing this song, you feel like you've celebrated eight Shabbats. This is why most people who sing this song stop keeping the laws of Shabbat after they sing this song, on Friday night, before getting home from shul.
Greatest Jewish song of all time, this is not sung at Tishes. Chassidim don't sing this or 'Shabbat Sha-a-ba-a-t Sha-a-lom.' 'Gutten Shabbat Hey' doesn't work. But I will suggest to the Chassidic community to take up, 'A Gutten Shabbat, Hey.' That has the right amount of syllables to bring it to the level of 'Shabbat Shalom, Hey.' I just clapped it out.

David Melech Yisrael
'David the King of Israel lives and lasts.' A Jewish song not found in Tehillim. A bit of a let down, as King David wrote so many lyrics. Why sing about him, when you can be singing him? At least it's connected to Tehillim.
Right after 'Shabbat Shalom Hey,' this song is at the foundation of Jewish youth. The first song learned with a dance, nothing says joy like placing your supinated hand under your opposite elbow, while twiddling the fingers. And then it tops off with leaving out some of the words. You can't 'emmm emmm Melech Yisrael' without a smile. Add in a 'Chay Chay Pizza Pie' and you've set yourself up for a full day of Jewish laughter and good times.
Again, what truly makes this song great? It's the non-changing of the lyrics. You sing it in the verse, you sing it in the chorus. Why waste all that time trying to teach new words, when they already know the words from the verse?! You sing the song a bit faster and twiddle faster and 'emmm emmm' some of the words, and you have a classic. And when you lose the kids and need to change it up, 'Chay, Chay, Pizza Pie' that thing, and the children are back there with you, twiddling the fingers in the air, with that other hand holding it up. Like a torch of Jewish pride.

Hava Nagilah
Want to feel like you're in a movie? Play this song and walk in a circle.
I guess there is more than one song not found in Tehillim. There are more songs than I thought that are not connected to King David's lyrics. I blame the non-religious Jews for this. They know not of tradition.
This song is an American favorite, as not one American Jew understands what this song means. But who doesn't want to have a Negilah?
Non-Jews love this song. When you show up to a Jewish Simcha and celebrate with a huge nylon fluorescent Yarmulke on your head, you want to be circle dancing to this. No other song leads to the dance party with the DJ more than this Jewish great. You can only have true Nagilah when the Backstreet Boys are turned up.
If you're making a movie and you need to show Jews celebrating, what are you playing? You know it. Hava Nagilah. There is 'rejoice' and that is what Jews do. They dance in a circle with huge nylon fluorescent purple Yarmulkes. They rejoice in the glow of their Yarmulkes on the dancefloor.

Kookooreekoo Kookooreekoo Tarnigul Korah
'Kookooreekoo the rooster calls.' And people say that Israelis don't know how to write lyrics. My question is what does a rooster call?! Exactly. That's why we sing this and teach it to our children in Israel. Though there's no dance, this is still a classic.

Mizmor LDavid
The Friday night Tehillim special. This song extends Friday Night Davening with a dance. To extend the prayers even longer, you can add Nay Nay Nays here, and dance all the way to Shabbat dinner. And realize that you have to finish Davening.
King David wrote it. Those are our lyrics. 'Mizmor LDavid.' The great thing about the Nay Nays is that you can add them to any song. It's the perfect addition. Nay Naying gets you more life out of King David's words. Feeling inspired? You can Nay Nay all night, or till the congregants start leaving.

Jerusalem of Gold
What makes for a great Jewish song is a silence that leads up to an immediate crescendo by all. Everybody knows the chorus. Nobody knows the verses. The silence builds up the meaning.
'Jerusalem of Gold' is the only perfect Jewish song that is not based on Bible. A bit of a letdown. Yet, Jerusalem of Gold is old enough to be grandfathered into the Biblical lexicon. Something else making it Biblical is that thousands of songs have been written, based on it.
Every tourist to Jerusalem, writes a song about Jerusalem and the whitish-reddish limestones looking like gold. Maybe they're thinking of 3 karat gold. Nonetheless, Jerusalem's stone is 24 karat gold of the soul. Even greater.That's me bringing you some spirituality, and inspiring another song to be written with the words 'Jerusalem of gold.' I can feel an inspired reader changing it up and writing 'Jerusalem with gold.' I don't know. I do know there's a lot of inspiration right now.
The fact that it's song by a woman and most religious Jews will never listen to the song may tinge its Shabbat table appearance. Nonetheless, it's a great topper to 'Shabbat Shalom, Hey.'

Leshana Haba BeYerushalayim
If it's in the Haggadah, it's a classic. And these words of saying that we want to be in Jerusalem next year are right there. The eighty versions of this song shows that it is not the tune, but the lyrics that make the song. As all the great Jewish classics, you stick to three words; and then you repeat those words in the chorus. 
The song is shaken up a bit when we say 'ha-ba-ah-ah,' but you have to take chances when you're a lyricist. Note: Never take too many chances with adding more than three words to a song. I'm not saying that 'Jerusalem of Gold' has poor writing; I don't know the words.
Nobody is going to Jerusalem next year. That would kill the song. It's such a good song. 
If Jerusalem were to have more Pesach hotels, things might change. Until then, we get to sing this song.

Kol HaOlam Koolo
Short enough that people don't need to Nay Nay Nay, 'All the world is a very narrow bridge' is a Jewish great and song in joy. There is no greater joy to the Jewish people than singing metaphors of death. That's why we sing this on Shabbat when we're with a group.
If you want to do Kiruv, inspire other Jews to be religious, this is the song. To encourage people to be religious, there is nothing more inspirational than singing about death. And as the song says, 'the key is to not fear.' As long as you are religious, there is nothing to fear. Only death. And that is why this song is sung at every youth group's Kumzits. Ensuring that Jews marry Jewish.
Jewish inspiration, Dveykus used this tune for six CDs.

I Was A Child and Now I am Old
Amazing lyrics. Almost as good as 'Kookooreekoo the rooster calls.' 
How can you not love this song of King David's words, ending the Birkat Hamazon (post meal blessing over food). Bringing the Kumzits and Shabbat ebbing feel to the meal of your choosing, this tune that continues the tune and message of 'Kol HaOlam Koolo,' brings that Jewish tear to your eye. The tear that can only make a Jew feel good about crying.
Stack the 'Now I am Old' on the 'Kol HaOlam Koolo' at the end of the meal, and that Shabbat guest is religious. That's what the classic Jewish songs do. They turn you religious and inspired to sing Nay Nay Nay.
Jewish song makes you want to walk in a circle, twiddle and think about your numbered days on earth. Where else can you twiddle and feel like you're connecting with Gd, while singing about death and celebrating? How can you not love these classics?  

***Upcoming: We'll be dealing in further depth with Nay Nay Nays, Simcha songs and how Lenny Solomon mastered the art of turning classics into classics.

HOME STYLE
•Front lawns are used for the lawn chairs. Bring your backyard into the front and live the bungalow life. Chana Rachel says, 'You can't afford to bring yourself to The Mountains. Bring The Mountains to you, and turn your neighborhood into the bungalow you've always wanted.' 

FINANCES
•Property value in the religious neighborhood of Flatomer is down due to bungalow style summer living on the front lawns. City councils are claiming that property values will go back up when the Fisher Price slides go to the backyard. Benches in the front yard are fine, as is full on jungle gyms.  The message is 'No Fisher Price on the front lawn.'
Statement from City Councilman, 'Nobody wants to interact with their neighbors in a neighborhood.'

ISRAEL
•Local Palestinian explains, 'The weather is nice enough. Sun is out. It's the perfect time for terror. When you attack, you at least want a chance at a decent tan.'
•Hamas celebrates Jerusalem Day by sending rockets into Israel. Israel is being blamed for lack of fireworks used in the country's celebrations.
Hamas claims that once their rockets meet an interceptor it looks joyous (that was Mark's addition for the week).
•Now that many have received the vaccine, Hamas is back out there, attacking Israelis.
To quote, 'What kind of suicide bomber would take a chance with COVID? That's not safe.' 

AMERICA
•JStreet honors Jimmy Carter for his lifetime dedication to Israel. As stated, 'We want to thank President Carter for his commitment to Israel. Nobody has spoken out more against Israel in the past 45 years.'

ON A HAPPY NOTE
•We hope to have that next week.

JEWISH
•Mother's Day goes by and the kids still didn't call. As the Jewish mothers said about their kids living at home, 'They never call.' (This was Rachel's contribution. She felt we needed a traditional Jewish style joke in the Jewish section. She even threw in the second day holiday joke, for mothers who live outside of Israel.)
•In preparation for Shavuot, Ashkenazi Jews claim to not be lactose intolerant, so they can eat cheesecake. Community members protest, ‘Whatever it takes. Nobody will stop us from eating cheesecake.’

SHUL POLITICS
•Classifieds: We're starting our third breakaway Minyin from the shul. Looking for a tenth man to make a statement that we don't like the rabbi. We promise no speeches. We promise to not interrupt your conversation in the middle of Torah reading.

ANTI-SEMITISM
•They still hate the Jews.
•JTA reports, 'The Guardian says supporting the pro-Zionist Balfour Declaration in 1917 was a mistake.' Readership is up as The Guardian takes a stand against themselves. As stated, ‘We mean what we write. Our word is final.’ 
The Guardian was trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration. To quote, 'It was a mistake. It sounded so good when Balfour declared it. That letter, and his British accent sounded so beautiful... We were trying to support the anti-Zionist Declaration of Simon, who said, "Get the Jews out of my neighborhood. I don't like kosher pizza."' 
What allows the staff to take back the words written in 1917? It's the Guardians 122 year old writers.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.