Back in the day, the Maggid, the storyteller rabbi who found a way of serving the community without having to teach Torah, was the one giving the Shmoozes. Many times, the Maggid would travel from town to town. Which meant they would walk fifteen minutes to the town next door. That was travel back in the day, before we had cars. The Maggid would hold their attention then move into a story and a lesson. And they were able to do all of that without mentioning the Holocaust.
Now, you have to do the job of the Maggid. So, let us learn how to end your Shmooz correctly.

The Story Part
You’ve held the attention of the Talmedim. Now work in a story. If you're going for the talking method, tell a story. Always tell a story. The masters of the staring method can tell a story just by looking at their students. However, we're beginners. We can't telepathize a detailed parable.
Wagons are good. When you tell a story, tell it with a wagon and a rabbi. Every story should have a rabbi being pulled by horses. Wagons evoke thoughts of a time in early years. Most stories with wagons happened between the years 1682 and the early 1930s. Basically after the Prohibition, people were using cars. Turns out Prohibition prohibited alcohol and cars. I just realized that. Thought I would add a side note of education.
In the 1930s people started using cars, and stories of rabbis are much less meaningful. Nothing spiritual ever happened in a car. A car never took a Maggid from town to town. “And the rabbi drove his Toyota Carolla from town to town, to spread H’s message.” Nothing spiritual. He’s probably spreading stock tips.
And use "town" when telling your story. "The rabbi decided to take a wagon that day, instead of walking the fifteen. The rabbi got stuck and almost missed his chance to share the lesson with the people in that town. What were the people of Minsk to do." You see how meaningful that story is? A wagon and a rabbi. And then I added in "Minsk" for extra meaning. That story right there says everything. Town, Minsk, wagon. That's the message. And to make it more powerful, I added a question with no question mark. That’s an advanced Maggid skill. First focus on wagons in Minsk.
If you lose them in the middle of the story, you might want to employ the Holocaust attention holding technique. "The lesson with the people in that town. Holocaust. And the people of Minsk..." You have their attention again, and you can go on with your inspirational parable about the wagon. I don't suggest the Holocaust technique. I personally just yell at them. 

The Lesson
The lesson is very important. This is the end of the Shmooz. Though, people will not trust that it's the end till you finish. That's how you know it's a good Shmooz. If people think it will never end.
This is where you repeat the topic again. After you've repeated it the previous hour. And held their attention by repeating it more, telling a story and repeating it. People have short memory abilities nowadays. After the Shmooz, they're going to forget what you spoke about. So, save this Shmooz, as you will have to repeat it next week. 
You want to repeat the topic correctly. You want the people to know that there is hope. The story of the horse drawn wagon that got stuck on its way to the town of Minsk was brought to let people know they can do Teshuva. They can repent, like the rabbi whose wagon was saved "because he cried to H'."
You see how I added crying to H'. That is what you do at the lesson part of the Shmooz. You take the lesson to a different dimension of Gd and wagons.
How do you connect Teshuva to the story of the wagon? I have no idea. As a Maggid giving the Shmooz, it's your job to be creative.
The connection of Teshuva, H' and the wagon is not important. What's important is that the students listening feel bad about themselves.

"Perseverance" is always a good message. You can end with that. "If you put yourself in very bad situations by not using a car and using a horse for transportation, you can make it." That's the meaningful message of Teshuva.
​
And no matter the lesson, end with Mashiach. They should feel guilty and thinking about Mashiach.
Say something like "speedily in these days." Great ender. Say it in Hebrew, people are cheering. Brilliant. Ended on a high. You gave an amazing Shmooz about not speaking Lashon Hara when traveling to a town in a wagon. End that with, "Lashon Hara speedily in our days," it's gold. The message is received.
You throw in a "speedily in our days" with a "support Israel in wagons," you can tour with that Shmooz. You're the Maggid.
And people feel like redemption is on its way, and they did not help with it. That is how you end your Shmooz.

Next time, we will speak of how to ask for an appeal correctly, and techniques for flipping the numbers on the cards. 

Last time we spoke of the Shmooz topics. A topic is enough. You tell them they're sinners, they hear that, they got the message. You can end on the topics. Nonetheless, they expect you to talk.
​Now we will discuss how to draw them into the sermon part of the Shmooz, where you delve into the Musar and keep their attention for forty-five minutes to two and a half hours, depending on how much you don't want to learn Gemara at afternoon Seder learning time.
You have the topic. Now you must hold their attention, tell a story, and make sure they understand the topic, the lesson. Here are some attention holding methods I've learned from rabbis over the years.

They already know that they speak Lashon Hara, and they haven't paid their dues. Now, you continue that message for an hour or so.

One way to hold their attention is to repeat the topic many times, in different ways. You tell the students, "You're not learning Torah enough. You skipped class. You missed Gemara Seder on Shabbis. You had a chance to learn over your break. You didn't learn then. You sneezed, which was a chance to learn Torah. But instead, you decided to sneeze. You even got up and got a tissue. More time wasted..." You get creative and before you know it, you've given a whole Shmooz on the topic of not being Mivatel Torah, not wasting time from learning Torah. And the whole time, they've learned no Torah.
The students walk away with nothing, knowing they need to learn. And over that period of your Shmooz, they've learned nothing.

A blank stare works very well for adding guilt. You stare at them for a good hour or so, they'll start to feel like they've done something wrong.
Mastering the stare technique of holding their attention without talking for the duration of your Shmooz isn't easy. However, once you get this down, you come in, you say "Tzedakah," you then look at them for an hour and a half. They'll get the message. An hour fifteen into the Shmooz, they'll be crying, admitting everything they've ever done wrong, due to the discomfort of being stared at. 

The Holocaust. That will get them to listen. A rabbi was giving a Shmooz about the importance of marriage. He lost everybody. Next thing you know, he said, "In the Holocaust..." Nothing to do with marriage or single people. But we were now listening. A brilliant attention grabber. 
If you're ever wondering if you lost their attention, say "The Holocaust" and you will get them right back. That wakes them up. Employ the greatest of tragedies and human suffering, and they will be ready to now focus on the importance of learning Torah and dating. 
It truly gets people's attention. You're giving over the message of charity and kindness. Next thing you know, you've lost everybody. Then you say "Holocaust." Everybody is ready to listen again. Now you can continue with your story about your child's Siddur party.
Only employ the Holocaust when people start to sleep. People hear Holocaust, they wake up. Though, I don't suggest you set your phone alarm to "Holocaust." That's not an easy way to wake up. 

You can bring in Torah. But nobody cares about that. You can mention a commentary like the Ramban. It's good stuff. But it doesn't add to your message. It's better to just say, "Rabbis say that you're a sinner."
Don't get me wrong. Sources are important. You have to let them know you know Torah. Thus, you hand out a source sheet. But it's a Shmooz. So, don't talk Torah. Nobody wants to hear Torah at the Shmooz. Hand out the source and tell them they're not learning it. And it's because they're sinners.

Get loud. A good yell. That gets their attention. That wakes them. Go right up to their face and scream "Torah!!!" They will remember that the next time they're learning Gemara and horrified.
I must say that nothing works better than saying "Holocaust." I personally am against using it, unless if you're talking about the Holocaust. Even so, sometimes you have something you want to share about your upcoming summer learning program, and the Holocaust helps bring home the message Torah and sports.

Choosing the correct method for you is not easy. You have to know your strengths. Myself, personally, my greatest strength is being late. Builds expectation.

Now that you've held their attention by exploiting the Holocaust, next time, we will discuss the telling of the story and how to finish off your Shmooz with a lesson. Ensuring that all the Talmedim feel shame.

A Shmooz is a Drasha in a class setting. Basically, the modern Shmooz is a sermon where people have to be there. It's a sermon that doesn't have to go anywhere. A sermon where you don't hear congregants complaining afterwards. Which means the rabbi can say whatever he wants.
And we're not talking about a traveling Maggid. We're not living in the 1800s. No community is going to pay somebody to come for a weekend to tell them to keep the laws of Shabbat. There's a reason they fired their last rabbi.

Let us focus on the Yeshiva Shmooz, as Talmidim in Yeshiva are the only people who want to be told they're not decent people. And if they don't want that, they have no choice. They'll get kicked out.
​The Shmooz in Yeshivas is affectionately known as a Musar Shmooz. So, you want to give Musar. Musar is where you tell people how wrong they are. Also known as rebuke, never focus on yourself. You want to focus on how others are messing up. That makes the Shmooz more enjoyable.
The topic is what’s important. You want to choose a topic that focuses on how much they've sinned. You come to your Shmooz, you say “Teshuva." People hear repentance. Message is received. You can leave. Point is made. They have to repent. And that’s when you talk for an hour or so.
During the hour you will hopefully hit on something that has to do with Teshuva. Not important. The point is you need a good topic for your Torah lesson about how they're not following Torah.

Shmooz Topics
Lashon Hara is always good. Everybody is speaking Lashon Hara about other people, which makes it a great topic. You give the Musar, they continue to talk Lashon Hara, you have a message for the following week too.
Health. That's a good topic. Tell them they have to eat healthy as their body is given to them by H', and they look disgusting, and they will never get a date, and their parents hate them. And that is why the cook at the Yeshiva uses chicken fat. Do whatever you can to justify what the Talmedim, the students at the Yeshiva, are eating. The not clean kitchen and daily lack of food that comes from earth at the Yeshiva makes this a hard lesson to give over to the Yeshiva Bachurs (another word for Talmedim or firstborn children that have done nothing helpful with their life). Even so, with the cook feeding them chicken fat as a meal, you will always have a message. The Yeshiva staff should work in tandem. 
Treating others with respect. You can leave that out. Nobody will listen to that lesson. Only an Apikores, a heretic, would think something so foolish. To give over the lesson of respect correctly, be sure to bring up the fact that other Jews are not as Frum as you, and thus have no place in Shamaim. Once the Yeshiva Bachurs understand that you also know that the other Jews suck and have no place in Heaven, they will respect you.
Respect your elders if they give you money. This is a very important lesson.
The importance of honest work, and how making a lot of money can lead to great Mitzvahs, such at Tzedakah. Excellent topic, allowing you to focus on how nobody gives charity, except for the donor, whose name is on the wall. As I remember learning from my rebbe, "You will never have a place in Shamaim if your name is not on a plaque." And that is how they got me to donate a plaque.
You can talk about business practice. If they made money, tell them they're Ganavim. A bunch of thieves. Keep the Yeshiva Bachurs on their toes. Contradiction is fine. As long as people feel like they are sinners, you've done it right.
Importance of sleep. You give this one over when the students are staying up late and keeping you up at night. If the neighbors complain and you get called in to quiet everybody down, this is the Shmooz you give that week. What it has to do with Torah, no idea. 
The exercise Shmooz should be given after every holiday. You must make sure to let the Talmedim know the requirement to eat meat, fish, bread, cake, Kishka and chicken fat for eight days straight. They come back from the holiday, you let them know they're sinners for not working out. Again, keep them guessing. Then you tell them it's forbidden to exercise due to Gashmiyus. Throw in a Yiddish word you're still trying to understand, that brings the Shmooz to the next level of European feelings of guilt.
Bitul Torah. Never wasting time from learning Torah is always a good topic. There is always more Torah one can learn. Nine hours of learning a day? Not enough. Ten. If they're doing ten, what are they doing the rest of the time? Sleeping? Wasting time getting sleep? Let's say you have the Chutzpadik guy at the Shmooz that's learning twenty hours a day, you can still get him. Come at him with a, "You must be eating. You're being Mivatel Torah." By the end of your Shmooz, the students listening to your message should be skipping sleep and dinner, and feeling really bad about themselves. And they should have also received the message that work is forbidden.
And then give a Musar Shmooz on the importance of work. Your Shmoozes should keep them guessing. Tell them to work, and to eat as they need to be healthy. Then, the following week come back to the importance of never wasting time for learning Torah. And then tell them they're going to Gehenim if they don't do what you told them. You cycle through that, you have Shmooz content for years.
Israel. You can focus on Israel and how we have to live there, and then not live there.
Supporting our people in Israel. That's a good topic. How to support is not the focus of the Shmooz. You give the Musar, you don't give the solution. A great ender is "support Israel." Everybody says "yes," and then they ask why, and then you call them heretics. And then you've done your job.
Teshuva. Always throw in Teshuva to remind them that whatever they've done right, they've still sinned. That's how you keep the Talmedim.

The topic is the key. You say the topic, they're drawn in. They know they have to do Teshuva for Lashon Hara. And they will have to do that next week too. Another Musar Shmooz. Now you have a job.
Same techniques can be used for a Drasha. A good sermon also focuses on what people do wrong. It keeps congregants in place. As long as they fire you, you can collect unemployment checks. It's always important to have a multi-year contract before giving a Musar Shmooz to your congregants.

Never say your students are doing something right. That's a surefire way to ruin a good Shmooz. You see one eating salad with tuna. Call them out for being Mivatel Torah and Gashmiyus. 
Next time we'll deal with the story part of the Shmooz and different ways of ending the lesson of how much they've sinned.

How do you know Jews ate cold food in the desert on Shabbis? If not, it would have been Hot-Manna. (Mordechai)
You get it? Manna. Hotmana. So many levels. Hotmana, insulating food in certain ways to ensure it's hot, is Asur, forbidden on Shabbat. It would have also been hot Manna So the desert Manna was cold. Halachik and Biblical understanding is essential for the full benefit of the pun. Yet, Manna is also a "course" in modern Hebrew. Which is why secular Israelis always have a cold salad on Shabbat, in addition to the BBQ. Now, we understand the pin in Modern Hebrew, Biblical, Halacha (Jewish law). Sometimes, explaining a joke makes it worse. However, when you explain it at length, it makes it better.
 
These guys learning at that Yeshiva in Bnei Brak never stop with their word jokes. Oh. Those Talmidim at Punivitch. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Pun. Punivitch is a Yeshiva in Bnei Brak. Pun is in the name. "Pun" and "Ivitch." No idea what "Ivitch" is, but it must be something in Yiddish. Talmidim are students. I know that's not a pun, unless if we're talking about tall students. Midim has the same root word as "Midot," even though Midim is not a word. Nonetheless, Midot means measurements. Measuring tall. Let's go on.
 
These love birds at shul, they both had such soft skin. They had so much Ahava. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Ahava is love. Ahava is a company that sells Dead Sea products like lotions. They had a lot of love and hand cream. Ahava can be used for both. That's how this one works. They were using the hand cream, gave them soft skin. They were also in love. Sometimes you have to work backwards in a pun. We educate on how to read puns correctly, for full enjoyment and love. Ahava. This is not an advertisement for hand lotion. We received no money for this pun.

The rebbe’s Talmid had a very bad stomach. He was Acidic. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Acidic. Hassidic. He was a Chassid with a bad stomach. He was the rebbe’s Acid. After eating all the choolante and shnitzel, there were many Acidic Jews in Meah Shearim. That is factual. You would know if you were at the Tisch on Erev Shabbat. This pun was written with journalistic integrity.

I was worried about antisemitism in Jamaica. First thing the guy said to me on Purim was “Heyman.” (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? “Hey man” is how people say Hi. Haman. Haman wanted to kill the Jews. The guy in Jamaica was greeting me. There's a difference. I misunderstood. You can work this in so many ways to bring people joy on the holiday, as a hippie, walking around going, “Hey man!” Please note that the kids born after 1970 may not understand your pun. Nonetheless, people not understanding your pun should never stop you from doing your pun. Every pun artist knows this. Puns are not about getting laughs. They’re about sharing knowledge. I hope this encourages you to keep sharing your puns, even if people don’t want to hear them. It has never stopped me.
What I was doing in Jamaica for Purim, that’s a story.

Iran’s IRGC is now the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corpse. ​(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Was a Corps. Now it’s a Corpse. We added the “e.” Bringing you a feel-good pun.

Our board thought they did the right thing, ruining the sanctuary. They had a whole meeting where they talked about the Mishkan’s reckonings. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Reckonings in the Tabernacle. Reckoned. Its accounting. They just wrecked the shul. The board didn't account for anything. And this is why we allow rabbis to decipher what the laws are. And not the recording secretary of the board.

***Note: You've learned how puns can be used for education, journalistic reporting, and how to help one sell Israeli products. The education you received today should be an inspiration for you to never give up, no matter how unsuccessful you are at something. Success never stopped us from bringing you puns. And don’t listen to anybody on the board when they suggest that it's tradition to wreck the shul, even if that's what they've been doing for many years.

Let's finish the "English Alephs."

As We All Know- a) Phrase used by rabbis to make you feel stupid. Sentence: "No. I do not know. I never learned the fiftieth chapter of the Laws of Penitence in the Rambam… I do not remember footnote nineteen." b) A phrase used by rabbis which has me questioning why they are still talking. Sentence: "If we already know, then why are you still commenting on Rashi’s commentary?"

Aseret Yimei Tshuva- The ten days of the year, ending with Yom Kippur, that we do whatever we can to make it seem like we feel bad for sinning. Known to English speakers as the Ten Days of Repentance, it makes it easier for us to get past them, knowing we can be ourselves again, afterwards. Sentence: "I had such a good time last year. I regret it. I will never do it again. That Avinu Malkeinu song really makes me feel penitent and bad about what I did." Sentence after Yom Kippur: "I hope H’ believed me. I really did think I wouldn’t binge drink again. I told myself there is no way I'm going to do stuff I like. But it happened. No idea how. Woops. Shame."

Ashkenazi/ah/ik (pl. Ashkenazim)- a) Somebody who does not eat legumes on Pesach. See Kitniyot for how Ashkenazim found a way to make it almost impossible to eat on Pesach. Hence making it harder to keep the Mitzvot. Hence making you a better Jew. b) A derogatory term in Israel, meaning somebody who is weak, with an accounting degree, who saves money. Sentence: "Don’t be an Ashkenazi like this." Alternative Sentence of Insult: "Look at her, holding down a job. What an Ashkenaziah." c) Of Ashkenazi people. Sentence: "The Kigel has no taste. There were no spices, and I didn’t hurt my mouth when I ate it. It must be Ashkenazik." d) A people Sefardim say can't cook. Sentence: "This food is disgusting." Ashkenazi Response: "It's a pleasure to have you as our guest." See Sefardim for people who do not stop going off on how their food is better.

Asur- Anything enjoyable. Hence, it is forbidden.

Atheist- a) All Jewish hipsters. Sentence: "I know nothing about science. I didn’t get a doctorate. But I do have a corduroy jacket with a patch on the elbow and glasses with 20/20 vision. Thus, I do not believe in Gd. That sounds intellectual. Definitely makes me an interesting orthodox Jew." See people with long beards that are not rabbis. b) A modern religion of people who feel it's important to not allow followers of ancient religions to enjoy death. Sentence: "Nothing happens when you die." Alternative Sentence: "Life is meaningless. You should be an Atheist." Response to Evangelical Atheist: "If there's no meaning… Why are we having this conversation? Stop pushing Gd on me." Other Response from Religious Person: "I haven’t touched a woman in years. Everything is Asur. All I have is death. Let me enjoy heaven. Whatever it is. Let me have my afterlife."

Avinu Malkeinu- A prayer said on fast days and the Ten Days of Repentance. The greatest Jewish song. Even better than Hava Nagila. It's traditional to space out during services, and then to wake up when everybody starts singing "Avinu Malkeinu." See any Shul on Yom Kippur for silence, until the end of services, when people are excited that it's almost over and start singing with joy. Sentence: "'Avinu Malkeinu' is here. There is a light at the end of the service."

Avreich- a) A Yeshiva student who learns in a Kollel or a young married Frum male. Anybody who doesn’t do the army. As long as you’re not part of Tzahal, you’re good. b) Anyone who showed up to the fundraiser. If you give money to the Yeshiva, you're an Avreich who doesn't have to learn. Sentence at the Dinner Addressing People with Money: "We want to welcome all of the Avreichim that we like."

***This is an excerpt from the Dictionary of Jewish, written by David Kilimnick

I didn't learn much Torah in Yeshiva. Even so, I learned how to talk right. Nu. Vsmachsti. No idea what it means. but I know sounds good. And if I mumble, they'll think I'm Frum. And that is more important than learning Torah.
You can't join the Frum community if you don't know how talk right. Here are some simple rules to follow when talking Frum.

Throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish Word Every Time You Have a Chance
Be sure to have at least one Yiddish or Hebrew word in every other sentence. Hebrew is fine. Most Yeshiva guys nowadays don't know Hebrew isn't Yiddish. You can get away with Hebrew. In Israel, you may want to stick to Yiddish. In Israel, the Yeshiva Bachurs know the difference between the two, as Yiddish uses a 'saf.'
Anytime you have a chance, throw in a Hebrew word. It gives weight to your side of the argument. You throw in Hebrew, if it sounds like Yiddish, people believe you and they know you're closer to Gd.
LMayseh. That's a word. Just throw it in. You don't have to know what it means. 'LMayseh. We picked up milk.' That's a word. Lichoyrah. Another excellent word. 'Lichoyrah. The burger and Wendy's was a bissel dry.'
You don't have to use the words correctly. You just have to know how to space them. As long as you use it, it's correct. Lichoyrah. Davkah. Gashmius.
Add a 'saf' to any word and you look good. Bitachon. No. It's Bisachon. And if you're really Frum, it's Bisachoynis. Notice the usage of the 'oy' and the extra 'saf.' The 'oy' is very important. When you're talking as a religious Jew, you should have a complaint in each word. An 'oy' should be present in your vernacular at all times. In the word 'Bisachoynis' you can hear how Frum I am, and how much I am feeling my arthritis.
Just be sure to mumble when you talk. The more you mumble, the more it sounds Yiddish to the Bachurs.
Aramaic is not used. We learn in it. We don't talk it. Why? Because nobody understands it, nobody speaks it nowadays, and they're not sure if it's Yiddish yet. Otherwise, guys would be throwing a 'Mayszvey' into every sentence.
Gishmack is timeless. You can always throw in the word Gishmack.

Don't Overdo It
As they say, 'Stay in your lane.' They'll figure you out. I can only educate as far as black hat goes. Dati Leumi, black hat, Yeshivish. That's the extent of the breadth of my knowledge. Chassidic and Israeli Frum, you're on your own.
I was working kosher and the head Mashgiach came and was asking me questions. I said Baruch H' at least twenty times. He was Chassidic and he knew I was a second-rate Jew. For Kosher work you have to at least throw in one Yiddish word.
The Mashgiach guy knew I knew nothing when he saw I didn't know Yiddish. And then when he saw I wasn't mumbling, he insisted I'm not religious and I should be fired. The amount of food they threw out due to my lack of Yiddish knowledge had communities starving for weeks.

Don't Use English Too Much
If you want to look like you know what you're talking about, don't use English. You look like a fool when you make any Jewish point in English. You can't talk about Paskesz without sprinkling in some Yiddish. Just the English name Paskesz itself is Yiddish. Even if you're talking about the shul's building fund, you look like a fool if there's no 'saf' or 'oy.'
You will never win an argument if you're speaking English. Once they thrown in Hebrew or Yiddish, you've lost the argument. Arguing about whether it's fine to return soup to the stove on Shabbat. 'It's Bishul.' You see. They threw in Hebrew.  That sounds like Yiddish. They won. And you look like an Am HaAretz.
Remember, it's better to look good than to learn. Reading Hebrew is considered learning, even if you don't understand a word of it. Reading English is considered reading. You learn in the Beis Medrish. Frum Jews learn.

Next time we will discuss the importance of being loud in the Beis Medrish, and how to mumble when raising your voice. After that, we will focus on how to use your hands to express with a supinated hand position and a shoulder shrug of discontent.
Oy. This is such a Gishmack article. With all the writing, I feel it a bissel in my elbow. Bsuroyis Toyvois.

Your seat at the Yeshiva's Beis Medrish (House of Torah study, known as a Beit Midrash to those who are not religious) is called your Makom. Your place. When you're at Yeshiva it's essential you make that area yours. Claim it by all means necessary. You need to take up room at your Makom, and the successful modern Yeshiva Bachur has mastered this.
Living in Israel for many years, I have studied space and gotten hit by many Yeshiva Bachurs trying to get to the Kotel. Here are some modern methods I have learned for how to setup your Makom and take up space in the Yeshiva Beis Medrish.

A Huge Tall Shtender
At the base of a good Makom is the Shtender. I saw a huge one that took up half the table with above table height of four feet, and I knew that's a Yeshiva Bachur who knows what he's doing.
We used to have table top Shtenders. It was collapsible, just in case you had a Chavrusa who also needed room at your Makom, or somebody else came and kicked you out of your Makom. The small collapsible was good in case of a tornadoes and when bullies were learning about morals during Musar Seder near you.
The little flip-up travel size book holders for the Sefarim, with a pine tree in the Holy City of Jerusalem drawn under your name written in Safrut, which is probably Asur, are not used anymore. They're too short and Jerusalem looks nothing like that. As people have gotten bigger, so have Shtenders.
The modern Shtender should at least reach your neck. A podium on the table is optimal. It's about Shtender height. Average Yeshiva Bachur is 5'4". Average Shtender 5'10". The idea is that Yeshiva Bachurs should never have to bend. I can't advise you how to bow during the Amidah with a successful Shtender.
Why many of the Yeshiva Bachurs still walk with a hunched over back, I can't tell you. They do it and they can't even see their Shtender. It's pure humility. Aneevus.
The smallest Shtender a true Talmid Chacham has nowadays is the double-decker Shtender, allowing you a Shtender in all positions of sitting, standing and hunching.

Bookcase Under the Shtender
As there is room on the table, a full bookcase should be under the podium.
We used to have a pile. Then it turned into a row of Sefarim at the Makom with bookends. Now, it's a full triple story bookcase with a Shtender on top, and a row of books with a pile on it. The point is that each Yeshiva Bachur should have a library at the Beis Medrish with all bookshelves at table height or higher.
They have a library there, on the Yeshiva walls. Then, you have your library at your Makom.
What is in your tabletop library? Everything they have on the walls. You can have big Sefarim, however it is preferable to have every Sefer ever written in miniature form. This way, when you need the Sefer you know you have it at your Makom, and you can go to the Yeshiva's walls to get the Sefer that you can read.

Pace
You want to cover ground when learning. A good radius of ten meters around your Makom is what you should be covering in the Beis Medrish. Your Shtender should already be covering the table.
You want to show your dominance over the area. If people are sitting and they're taking up some row space with their chairs and table, be sure to bump them as you pass. Let them know it's your area.
It's also a Mitzvah to keep in shape. So be sure to walk. You don't want to be Mivatel Torah when working out. Going to the gym takes you away from learning Torah, and that's forbidden. Hence, the best place to work out is the Beis Medrish. This is why the Gemaras are so big. It's for the lifting. So, make sure you get in your steps in afternoon Seder (the Seder is the order of the day). Pacing with a Gemara is excellent cardio. Double that with prayer swaying, and you're getting wiser and shedding pounds. I wouldn't suggest Torah Hagbbaing until you can carry a full set of a wedding size Gemaras around your Makom.
You may want to also stretch before learning. Many have cramped up pacing during the three hour morning Seder. You can use the Yeshiva's bookshelves to get in a decent calf stretch.

Roller Chair
You want a roller chair with an armrest. Armrests take up more room. Preferably a high back. The more you roll around, the more it helps claim your area.
You want to focus on comfort at your Makom. If you're not falling asleep in the Beis Medrish, you're not spending enough time there. That's what I say when I'm rolling around my pacing area, knocking into people with my armrests, or sleeping during Seder (daily learning time).

Pile Up Sefarim
Even with the bookcase at your seat, you should have book piles. Take whatever books you can off the Yeshiva's shelves and pile them at your table. It takes up more space and shows you know what's going on.
Make sure they're Hebrew books. Otherwise, they're not Sefarim. There is no such thing as an English Sefer that is not for kids. Any book in English looks pathetic. A Jastrow is fine, as that dictionary is harder to understand than Hebrew itself. Your Makom should look like that of a researcher of books you can't translate.
The idea is to not be able to see the table.

The Yeshiva does have lower shelves at the bookcase. I don't understand why. Nobody bends. I think that's where the Machshava Sefarim are. The low shelves can also be used as a foot rest.
Whatever you do, never return the Yeshiva's Sefarim to the shelves. And remember, if you don’t have money for huge Shtenders and roller chairs to take up space, you have pacing, the piling method and your elbows.

I said goodbye to my parents. They thought they were losing a son. They weren't losing me. I just wasn't going to see them anymore. 
My mom said I wouldn't call, but I told her that I have to. Kibud Av vEim is a Mitzvah, as I explained to my Mom that I would call her because God said I have to. So, she accepted God. She now liked God, and I did my part in Kiruv (bringing a Jew closer to Yiddishkeit- Judaism- I will explain every word, as I want you to also become religious).
​
​The flight was to Israel for Yeshiva. My parents wanted to know why I gave up. They assumed that giving up a steady job as an industrial engineer is not normal. They thought that it made no sense to give up a six-figure contract that was set for the next eight years. They've never been to Jerusalem. I told them, 'Torah.' It was then that they knew Torah was an excuse to not work. And I love Torah.
I made the flight on time. It was the first of many miracles. I was late. Saying goodbye to my parents took way too long. They never learned about Bitul Zman (wasting time from Torah). 
The greatest miracle was that half of the passengers on the plane were late. I am assuming that the pilots know it takes a long time to explain to your family that you are giving up your job for connection with God.
 
I got on the plane and sat next to a tiny human, called a child. Another great miracle. I had space. Then, a religious woman wanted to change seats with me. Not a miracle. That was my first test. As Avraham had ten tests, God was testing me as well (I don't say Lord, as I am not catholic- I am Jewish and thus I refer to God). Giving up a good seat on the plane was my first.
She said she wanted to sit next to her husband. She said it was my duty as a religious Jew to let her sit next to her husband. I had not yet learned that Mitzvah. But I was looking forward to learning about it in Yeshiva.
As I changed seats, I realized she just didn't want to have to sit next to a huge guy who insisted on lifting up the armrest, so he could have enough room to fit. She wanted more space. Maybe it's a Mitzvah to give people space. I don't know. I believe they bought separate seats, because there was one aisle seat, and there was no seat next to that aisle seat. And her husband wasn't going to not take the aisle seat. The huge guy, I ended up next to, taught me about the word finagle, as he was whacking me with his elbow and sweating on me.

There was no food on the first leg of the flight. The rabbi at shul didn't teach me that you have to order Kosher food, and then call to make sure they have your Kosher food, and then to check again to make sure they know, and then to explain that you really need a separate meal that is Kosher. I thought you just tell them you want Kosher and check the Kosher box, and then you'll get it. I hope the Gemara has a lesson on how many times you have to call the airline to make sure you have a Kosher meal.
On the second leg, another miracle occurred. I got food. The airline didn't have my name on the food list. But they had the name of the woman I gave my seat to. The next thing I know, they had an extra meal for me, and my name was Malkie. Then, I got another meal. Somebody said they didn't trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision). I began to respect people who are Machmir (stringent), and don't trust other rabbis, and I had food.
Another miracle. The dinner was only enough food for a snack, and it lasted the whole flight. I am on my way to Israel and I am experiencing all the great miracles of our people. I told myself at that time that I would eat every day, to commemorate the little food that lasted the whole flight. I also committed to eating more than the chicken sliver strip if I was ever going to be Fleishiks again (Fleishiks means I meat, and once I eat meat I have to wait six hours to eat dairy- which is why Jews don't eat meat for breakfast, and why I will never eat meat before 8pm).
The greatest miracle of all. I fell asleep on the huge guy's chest. The little space I had on the plane, was enough to sleep for one night. And to this day, I commemorate that with sleeping. Judaism is about commemorating. I commemorate the oil that lasted eight days, the freedom from Haman, and being able to sleep in discomfort.

When I disembarked, I made it through security. That was a miracle, as I was smuggling in a lot of deodorant. B"H they didn't ask me.
It was God's hand involved in my trip. The Mitzvah of giving up my seat so that somebody else could enjoy the flight. The food that lasted me the whole flight. The not feeling bad about my parents crying as I left.
And the most amazing miracle of all. As I entered Israel, they all welcomed me. I don't know what they said. It was Hebrew. But they welcomed me in the holy language of the Torah. Such a Kiddish H.' Only in Israel do they speak Hebrew. In Israel, Brooklyn, and hotels around the world on Pesach. But they speak Hebrew in Israel too. And they welcomed me, 'Bruchim HaBaim HaBayta.' As I learned later, 'Welcome home.' With all the sad goodbyes, I was home. My belongings weren't there and I had to share a bunk bed with a thirty year old man, but I was home. And I told my non-religious parents I was home, and they weren't happy. And my mom doesn't like God that much right now.

My luggage wasn't there. Yet, they said you can live without your luggage. Only in Israel, the Holy Land, does one not need such physical Gashmiyus, like your belongings. You only need your Neshama and Tzitzis (which I was wearing).

When we stepped out of the airport, I was told to kiss the holy ground. Only in Israel is the ground so clean that you can kiss it.
Ten days later, my luggage came. Another miracle.

Follow Up Notes
I don't believe the holy ground was swept. I did take in a dust ball as I kissed the holy land.
​I still haven't called my mom. Nonetheless. I'm learning. ​If I ever get reception in Yeshiva, that will be another huge miracle. My mom will appreciate that miracle. Right now, she doesn't like God or Golan Telecom very much.
In Yeshiva, we learn in Aramaic. I understand none of it. I still can't tell you if it's a Mitzvah to give up your seat on the plane for somebody who wants a better seat. I am now saving up for a first-class ticket. I don't believe they ask you to do Mitzvahs in first class.
I understand that this story is inspirational. It has inspired many in their journey towards being good Jews. 

Last year we talked of ways to stay awake through eating, walking and showing up to Shiur late. As we learned from years past, showing up to any class on time will induce sleep. Many of you may have also figured out that once your body gets used to any form of awakeness, you become immune to it. Hence, sleepwalking.
So, I bring you new ways to stay up this Shavuot.
 
Bring Your Children
They keep you up when you're trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon. You might as well use them properly. 
If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you're about to fall asleep, they'll make sure you don’t. They know what they're doing. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.
Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.​

Learn in Chavrusa Form
Learning by yourself won't help you stay awake. If you ever heard yourself talk, you would understand.
Learning with somebody else, a Chavrusa, will help you stay up. A Chavrusa screaming at you is what you need. Somebody that is vehemently opposed to you. This is why the Beit Midrash (house of Torah study) is very loud, with a lot of arguments. It starts with somebody screaming and then it gets louder with developed animosity. By the time you get to the Pshat, fights are breaking out. It's all done to keep people up. Most Batei Midrash don't allow for spouses to learn together, as they don't want to risk injury.
There are a lot of people who are trying to sleep in the Beit Midrash. Once they hear that they're going to start learning a Tosafot, they get tired. It's too much concentration, and the text is very small. Couple that with sleeping in the dorms and you're only going to the Beit Midrash to catch some shuteye.
Side Lesson: Don't concentrate on what you're learning this Shavuot. To much focus tires you out.

Chavrusa Is a Two Way Street of Insult
As a Chavrusa, it's your duty to encourage your Chavrusa to stay up. To help them stay up, you can say stuff like, 'You're a nothing, and the Rambam would agree with that.' That should also help bring them closer to understanding the Mishna Torah. Tell them they're a slacker and they're a failure because they sleep, to add an extra level of hurt. Hurtful statements makes it harder for them to doze.
The tradition of yelling at your learning partner is best done with somebody you know, especially a close friend. This way, when you're arguing over Rabba and Rava, you can also bring up how nobody likes them; always a good technique to use when arguing any point, as it will bother them.
 
Board Games
Play Jewish oriented games and it's like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer? Run for Shabbis. Settlers of Judea Samaria.
I was conflicted with Who Wants to Be a Mitzvahneer. I started playing that game for money, then we learned that gambling is forbidden. That killed the fun. Then that led to a theological discussion, as to whether or not it's fine to do Mitzvot for money. More learning, and that wasn't going to help anybody stay up when learning.
Run for Shabbis wasn't encouraging for my out of shape Shabbat guests, who like to rest on Shabbat. You also shouldn't be running on Shabbat.
You will need a Chavrusa to play most board games. Much suggested over a Sefer.
 
Have a Friend Smack You
If you go to the Shiur, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit back, but there's no reason to physically attack the speaker.
It will also save you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.
Remember, you can always ask your Chavrusa to do this for you. They'll be glad to, for the sake of Torah.

Wrestling
This might look awkward in shul, but it is a communal activity. Everybody wants to see the Gabai and Chazan go at it. I've heard the beedle at our shul talk about taking the cantor out in the middle of one of his long Musaf renditions.
Getting body slammed will help wake you up. Better yet, wrestle with your Chavrusa. It's the natural progression. 
If you have a chance to taunt your Chavrusa with a Macho Man Randy Savage style ‘Oh yeah! Just wait till I gave you my understanding of Tosafot. Pshat. Oh yeah!’ that will help everybody feel like they're ready to receive the Torah. Maybe don't do the Macho Man thing. It's a bit much. Use your judgment. If you full nelson somebody and then powerslam them though, you can do it.

If none of that works, sleep. You're tired. 
If we didn't learn anything, we did learn that the best Chavrusa is someone you disdain.

Here's the link to the original ways to stay up on Shavuot night