Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Purim and Putin with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing more offensiveness.

I've been working as a Mashgiach for many years, and I've learned that there are tricks to the trade that one must know for legitimate Kosher supervision. Here are some of the trade secrets for anyone who wants to be an acceptable Kosher supervisor.

Get Good at Seeing Small Things
Lettuce checking is key. Take pride in it. Hold up that leaf with confidence that you can find a creature in there. 
If you can't find a bug in a vegetable, you should lose any Mashgiach license given you. If you can't watch over a fruit, you should not be trusted to watch over a kitchen. Before allowing anybody to be a Mashgiach, they should have a test to ensure you're not farsighted. To note: There is no greater feeling than finding an insect in a vegetable. That's nachis. Grandchildren are nothing next to a meadow spittlebug.

Know Your Symbols
Get good at finding 'O's. You have to find small letters on packages as well. That, along with turning on fires. You have to be able to find letters and turn on fires. Never trust a professional chef with a fire. That's why we have Kosher people turning on the pilot lights.
Basic rule: Any shape of a state with a letter in it is Kosher. And any 'O' that doesn't have a 'R' in it is Kosher. Any randomly flying 'K's on the package, the Kosher world has not figured out if that's Kosher yet.

Make It Look Like You're Doing Something
When you walk in, tap the meat. Say 'I'm here,' and walk through the kitchen while looking over people's shoulders that are trying to prepare the food. Check their onions while they're sauteing them. If they're comfortable with you around, you're not doing your job.
If you have no idea what you're doing with your time, give feedback on the onions themselves. You don't have to be a cook to do that. Nor do you have to be a Mashgiach to do that.

Sit and Learn
Your job is to be the religious Jewish guy. Learning is what good religious Jews do. That's what you should be doing. Sit and learn and stay away from the kitchen. People will trust you, even if you didn't check anything. As long as you're learning. 
Bitul Torah, taking time away from learning Torah, is a sin. If anybody asks you to check if the dish is Kosher, the right thing to say is, 'I'm learning and I believe in H."' That will let them know that you care about Torah. That should be enough for them to feel comfortable as Jews, even if the food wasn't checked.

Make a Big Deal When You Tell Them The Empire Chicken is Good to Use
You want job security. Let them know with authority that it's Kosher. Even slap the chicken for emphasis. 'Empire is good. Cook it.' Even if they're grilling it, just yell out, 'Cook it.'
Anything you know, you should express enthusiasm and get involved for that moment. You're limited in Kosher knowledge, as you have no idea how to slaughter, so make sure they know how good you are at finding letters in outlines of states.
You see a bug, yell it out, 'I found one.' Celebrate. Do a Siyum if you must. Take pride in your detective abilities. You'll naturally want to have a Simcha, possibly break into a Horah or a one handed side to side kick, once you find a bug. It just happens. That joy simply touches a man's soul.

Eat as Much as You Can
Whatever they pay you, it's not enough. Make sure you're eating at least twelve bucks an hour's worth. More than that, you have a requirement to eat. How is anybody supposed to know it's Kosher if the Kosher guy isn't eating it. How Kosher is it if the Kosher guy is only eating small portions? These are questions people ask, so make sure you are sitting there and eating.

Make a Big Deal About Something
​Otherwise, they're going to question what you're doing there. The issue is that some nonJews don't value Torah and eating. And share any knowledge you have, as that exudes authority. If anybody asks you what kind of meat it is, you tell them 'brisket.'
If you can say something is wrong, say it. Focusing on negative makes you look like a leader. Reach over and say, 'Can't do that.' Even if it's something about American foreign policy, reach over and say 'no.' Connect it to Kosher. 'If they attack the Ukraine, the meat won't be slaughtered in the ritually correct way. Toss the salmon.' They'll understand that you know Kosher.

Check Everything
Remember, Mashgiach means supervisor. So, even if you're only making fifteen bucks an hour, you're the boss.
When they come in, check their coats. Check their pockets. You don't know if they're stealing anything. Check to see what skin lotions they are using. Nobody wants dry unmoisturized hands in their food.
Remember, you're a supervisor. Oversee everything. Be sure to criticize when you have a chance. People are wearing an off outfit, mock it. Supervise that. Get involved in breaks. The more you keep busy telling other people what to do, the more of a supervisory role you are playing.

Talk Yiddish When Other Mashgiachs Are Around
Yiddish is the Kosher language of America, because it's not English. Even if you don't know Yiddish, do a high pitch of the few Yiddish words you know. Larry David employs the Yiddish high pitch mumble beautifly in Curb Your Enthusiasm. 
Anything you do is Kosher when it's Yiddish. I overheard somebody at Kiddish explaining, 'Nu. I don't know if I'm a fan. Not to plotz for. The burger at Wendy's is a bissel dry.' Vus is dus? You're going to tell them Wendy's isn't Kosher?

Wear a Blazer
You don't have to work when you're wearing a blazer. Better yet, a suit. Nobody asks people to do physical labor when they're wearing a suit. Hence, real rabbis wear suits. 
It also looks more supervisory to wear a jacket. Better yet, wear a tuxedo. People may even wish you a Mazel Tov for not helping.

Make a Big Deal About Pesach
When Pesach comes, throw everything in the Kitchen out. Any questions asked to you as a Mashgiach, 'Throw it out.' They ask about the oven, 'Throw it out.' Counters, in the trash.
If you can, blow torch the place, do it. It looks good when a rabbi walks through the kitchen with exposed fire. It lets them know who's truly in charge. It also instills the necessary fear in the staff who are thinking of treifing up the place.

Whatever you do, make sure they call you a rabbi. Even if you have a high school Torah education, just go by rabbi. Exploit that. If they call you rabbi, you don't have to help. And they will respect you for that.

Shul Announcements
•Mazel Tov to Dr. and Dr. Mendelwitz on the birth of their new granddaughter they won't see for the next year and a half, as their daughter hasn't visited Topeka since she needed more funds for college. We would appreciate it if you did pay your dues.
•The shul softball has been cancelled, due to lack of decent athletes in our synagogue. As Felvel said, 'It's a Chilul H' to see you people play sports.'
•No more taking coats from the coat room, unless if they are yours. If anybody stole Rivka's coat, please return it. We have no idea where Fran got the new coat. It is very similar to Rivka's maxi coat, and it is big on Fran.
•The rabbi's class in 'The Hidden Torah Because You Don't Open a Sefer and Learn It' this week cannot be attended by Bernie, due to rabbi’s request.
•No taking all the Kichel from the Kiddish table. We understand some of the older members are teething. Even so, some under eighty-five enjoy Kichel.
 
Rabbi Mendelcehm’s Sermon Excerpt
 
Shabbat Shalom To All Who Criticized Me Last Week… Yes. That’s to all of you…
 
Much sinning. Lashon Hara… I have never heard a conversation not about me. I understand I’m the rabbi… You stole my coat too... Taking coats from the coatroom is stealing. Even if it’s a similar jacket. It's a sin… They don’t make them Hefker when they use a hanger. They did not deem their property ownerless, because they didn’t want to wear their trench into the sanctuary... I know that it's an open area. Did you take my Sefer? No. You did not take my Torah book, because you don't learn. You leave the coat in a coatroom and assume it's not going to be taken... And not being in shape enough to play softball… Taking care of your body is a Mitzvah. As is not eating eight pounds of Kichel at Kiddish… It’s softball. Do you know how out of shape you have to be to not be able to play softball?
The question is how does this shul repent.
(Vayikra 9:7) Moshe said to Ahron. ‘Come to the Altar and do your sin offering, and your burn offering, atoning for yourself and the people. And perform the sacrifice of the people, atoning for them…’ Yes. The Lord commanded it…
 
First be decent, Bernie… I know you focus on others. That’s great. Aharon has to atone for himself first... I would assume you have stuff to atone for... Right there. Interrupting me. Atonement...
You have to be decent before making decisions for others. Our president is not decent. Focus on yourself first… I know you focus on my sins as a rabbi who teaches classes and visits the sick… How about you first atone for yourself and visit the sick… I know they’re sick. That's why you visit... So you catch something. Now we have to get rid of Bikur Cholim. Visiting the sick isn't a positive thing to do anymore. Just lock them up so they can be more depressed... Maybe if you were in shape...
Yes. The Lord commanded it… I have to explain that too... How about Bernie read the Torah Portion and atone for not learning Torah… Yes. It’s a Mitzvah. You wouldn’t know that, because that Mitzvah is in the Torah, and you don't learn it to.
 
Rashi explains the word ‘Krav,’ approach, come to. ‘Aharon was bashful and feared to approach. Moshe said to him, “Why are you bashful? For this you were chosen.”’
You should be bashful. This congregation needs a bit of relcutance. A little humility would go along way. We wouldn't have this gauty window and art work if… It got Aharon the Kehuna...
 
Don’t be bashful when it’s your calling. You’re very bashful when giving Tzedakah. Never give it. A lot of humility when you're donating to the shul... Thelma. You didn't even give for Matanot LaEvyonim. Gifts for the poor on Purim... A dollar is not a gift. Very bashful with your money...
No need for humility when it’s your thing. When it's a commandment. When it's a Mitzvah that you're called upon to do. You think I like giving sermons. You need it. You need to be told...
Bernie and Hymie and Saul and Merv should be bashful. The back left should be bashful. The way you lost the softball game... Your socks need bashfulness. Why all the annoying designs. And they're flashy. Right in our face... Socks need bashfulness. Running to do a Mitzvah doesn't need...
Exercise. Assume you're not in shape. Assume your wife is not attracted to you...
 
'Atoning for yourself and the people.’ Aharon, becoming a better person and focusing on himself, atones for others as well… Work on your softball game and we might be a better team and not look pathetic… Yes. Get in shape.
That doesn’t mean ‘you’ve got to do you.’ That means ‘you’ve got to be the best you’… What’s with this ‘you do you?’ That’s not Jewish to be selfish… It’s about being the best you for the community and not stealing people’s coats… You can start atoning by returning the jacket.
 
You focus on me.... What am I doing? Rebuking. That’s what my calling is… I don’t speak Lashon Hara about you. I rebuke you. A big difference. I tell you how annoying you are...
When you find your calling, it’s also good for everybody else... If you don't force the congregation to have to see this piece of... It's the worst work of art for a shul. It has a fluorescent purple hue. It goes with the quilt on the Ark. All messed up...
 
Don't mess up anymore. That's how you atone... No. You can't atone for me...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Visiting the sick isn't a Mitzvah anymore. COVID killed Bikur Cholim. It seems like nobody in our shul cares about anybody that is not at shul. 'They don't show to shul it's on them... Can't walk. Their fault they got old... Let them die alone. They're sick. I don't want to catch old...' They're all worried about catching whatever the old people have. So, now the old people are stuck, alone, with their disease. Age.
Everybody in the congregations assumes they're perfect. I don't think one guy in this shul has ever sinned. Ask them. It's not a sin. I don't even know why they come on Yom Kippur. I think they come to find out who the ones that sinned are. They see who is crying and they castagate the penitent one who incriminated themself.

The art of the quilt and whatever that purple sun thing is are all very messed up. There seems to be a thing in our community where people get lavish gifts that they have to use. The Feinwitz family can't even get a TV, because their in-laws forced a painting on them. That takes up the den, and they can't get rid of it, as the in-laws will be offended. The husband blames the wife's parents for it, and the wife blames the husband's parents for it. Don't get me started on the huge Chanukiah in the Bergman home. The Vergstein family gave them that as a housewarming gift; which decorated their whole dining room for them, without their permission. So, now the shul is stuck with this stuff.

 
Some of the kids didn’t get the correct message. They started a rock band and made it a point to perform without their shirts. They said it was a Jewish rock band and it's their calling. They could’ve at least performed with their Tzitzis.
Bashfulness of socks would be appreciated by all. I can't stand having to see these kids with pants coming down to their shin, with these multi-colored annoyance I have to see. I say we kick the twenty year olds out of the shul.

The shul needs to place security at the coat racks. The guard is at the entrance to the building. The criminals, like Fran, Hymie and Merv are stealing from the coatroom. I don’t know if it’s a safety measure. If somebody did try to take Hymie’s coat that wasn’t his, from him, it might get violent. I don’t know. Hats have also went missing.
 
The rabbi’s announcement from his seat at the end of Davening was not inspired. He just said, 'Adon Olam and Hatikva.' The final prayer and Israel's anthem were about to come and he just said their names. No page. Half the people probably didn't even realize it was an announcement. I think he just gave up.

They're planning a party for the Kohens. They're calling it the Big Day Kahuna.
You get it? The Torah talks about the Kohens and their clothes. Bigdei means clothes. Kahuna means of Kohens. Big Kahuna, an American idiom. You should have vast knowledge to get into pun creation. 

Everybody gave half a shekel when they counted Jews. It spoke to their census. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A census is counting. They did that in the desert. To avoid a plague, and death, heads weren't counted, but the half shekels. Makes sense. Senses. Their senses. Their census.
 
Why was the activity not exciting last Shabbat? They were board games. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Board. Bored. Not fun. Board games are a great Shabbat activity. Make them fun. Puns are better said. Not written. Look away and say 'board games'… Now, it’s funny.

He wouldn't need to be good at singing or music if he had a talent. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A talent is something you're good at. A talent is a weight of money, which was a lot of silver in the times of the Torah. With all that silver he would be rich enough to not need to be talented. Puns are about education.
 
I asked a hippie, dressed as a villain, 'Who are you dressed as?' He said, 'HeyMan.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A lot of people pronounce Haman as Haymen. That's close enough to Hey Man. And that's how hippies talk. It's not just a costume, it's a way of life, a mindset. Artistic expression is very important when sharing puns.
  
What's it called when they pour seltzer on the Altar? A Karbon Dioxide... Then they recite Mizmor LSoda.
You get it? The offerings in the Temple were called a Karbon. Carbon Dioxide is the fizz in the soda... Soda. Mizmor LSoda is one of the types of songs in Tehillim. Brilliant. A double pun. And bilingual necessity. Doesn't get better than this.

I wasn't allowed to go to a Shabbat meal the other week, because I was too old. That kind of got me thinking about how off an old single person looks in the Jewish community. I love Shabbat and the holidays. To the rest of the community, though, it looks off. To the community, it's an anomaly to enjoy Shabbat alone. 
Holidays as a single person look off. Just being in the shul without a Tallis, something is off. They know you're old and single. You've got greys and everybody can see your suit jacket. Something is wrong, and it scares them. You can camouflage the singleness with a Tallis, but then you won't meet any ladies at shul. It's a catch-22. And it's wrong to checkout girls in the middle of the Amidah, even if that's what you should be doing.
Single women somehow find a way to look normal. The men look off. Hence, I'm going to focus mainly on the men while we discover the real reasons why old singles can't celebrate with community.

Old Singles People Look Weird
Guy without the Tallis. They're looking. Guy jumping on the floor to get candy at the Bar Mitzvah, because you don't have a kid to get you a Sunkist jelly. They're looking. Old single guy handing out candy to the kids. They've got their eyes on you. And you're scaring the children.
Girls can also look weird in the Frum community. Girl without a sheytel. They're looking. They know. That looks messed up. Nobody's hair looks better without a wig.

Nephews and Nieces Wonder
You can't pick them up and pinch their cheeks. Nowadays, old single men get locked up for that stuff.
And then your nephew is called a 'Ba'al Habayit,' a 'man of the house,' because they're twenty and married, and you're called a 'Bachur,' a 'boy,' because you're sixty-five and not married. When all this 'man' has ever accomplished is getting his parents to pay the rent. And then, the smart niece asks you again, where your kids are.
Old single women look normal around nephews and nieces. Pinch the cheeks, hold them, steal them from their parents. Take them to parks with nobody knowing. They even talk in a hipitch voice that makes them look like a good aunt. Old single men can't talk in a hipitch. That's why their nephews and nieces hate them, and don't want them around for the holidays. They need hipitch voices.

Purim Costumes
The only time old single people are allowed to enjoy dressing up is when they're going to an '80s themed party. You can't dress up for Purim. No matter the situation, I would question anybody dressed as Richard Simmons.
Ever seen an old single man dressed up for Purim? Lock him up. Single forty year old men should know better than to dress in a costume. They should also know better than to say a kid's costume is cute. They shouldn't notice kids' wearing costumes. That will get them in trouble. 
Groggers? That's not a question. Old single people can't use those noise makers. You get locked up for that. 'Creepy Grogger guy who thinks the kids in costumes are cute.'

​Purim Carnival
Ever seen an old single man at a Purim carnival? Lock him up. 'He showed to the Purim carnival too.'

Purim Gift Baskets
Ever seen an old single man giving Mishloach Manot to kids? Lock him up. Why are they giving the kids candy?

Pesach Singles Seder
Nobody invites us. It's weird to have the whole table going around with the youngest of each family saying the Mah Nishtana. Then you have the forty year old single guy reading for his family, also standing next to the head of the Seder. And the question arises again, 'Where are his kids? Something is wrong.' You end up being every question at the Seder.
I had a singles seder last year. Some of the traditions are different when celebrating without kids. I had to hide the Afikomen from myself. Talking of pathetic, I didn't find it. Couldn't get the bike I wanted.

Sukkah Hopping
Nothing is more fun than hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah and get different forms of gummies.
Ever seen an old single guy hopping? Lock him up.

Simchas
Can't show to those. They still sit me at the kids table. They figure, the kids are single, David is single, they should sit together. Between us, I kind of like the chicken fingers.
Bar Mitzvah at the kids table is even worse, especially when you're the best friend of the Bar Mitzvah boy, and you're sitting right next to him, between the other twelve year olds. Showing to Simchas is just a chance to get yourself locked up.

Shabbat Meals
Can't do those. I called the Chabad guy about a singles dinner. He said, 'We do meals for people in their twenties and thirties.' It turns out, ​I'm too old to eat a Shabbat meal. I'm not allowed to eat food with other people on Shabbat. It scares them.
It's Chabad's rule. It’s a rule for all singles events. Sometimes they even put it on the event, to keep away the scary people, ‘Ages 20-35.’ Old single people have to eat by themselves. And find joy in that. If the younger people see an older person keeping Shabbat, they might think that Shabbat did that to them.​

Can't Celebrate Eating With Other Single People
That’s a lonely fest. Ten old single people together is ten times as lonely as eating by yourself. Everybody at the table is like, 'Where are the kids?' 
You just sit there and feel bad for the girl across from you. You can't enjoy a choolante when you know she did a great job cooking it, and you still have no idea how to ask her out.
Worse is potluck dinners, where you're invited to bring the food for the other singles. If you're lucky and you're not the only one bringing food, the rest of the food is also cold. Note of Advice: You can't host a meal and not provide food, having people walk a mile on Shabbat, and expect the Kugel to be warm.

Uncle in the Corner Visiting for the Holiday
You sit, you look off. Sitting in shul with no kids, you've got to find a decent non-visible spot. All the kids are next to your brother-in-law and all you can tell the people sitting next to you is, 'I love them... They're not mine.' It's off.
Single guy reaches forty, they stop asking his sister about him, to see if they have a good match. They start asking about him to find out what's wrong.
At the table, they don't even respect you anymore. They sit you in the corner, out of embarrassment and not wanting to have to explain. 'That’s the pathetic one. He's sitting in the corner, because he has no family. It's fine.... The one sitting over here, that's Aunt Lisa. She's great. She's single and fifty. The kids love her. She sounds like one of those Teletubbies. She was even telling us about this Shabbat meal she was allowed to eat at last Shabbat.' 

Message
Get married and you won't look as pathetic. Even get married to the wrong person. It looks better, and you won't get locked up for being a person.

The rabbi was gone and the shul was packed. Finally. People came out to shul. I think they thought there wouldn't be a sermon.
He mailed in his sermon and Hymie read it. What's amazing is that the breaks were perfect. He knew exactly when Bernie and Fran would interrupt. It's a talent. More than he knows the Torah, he knows how annoying his congregation is.

We had some new Simchas in the congregation. However, they didn't announce it, because nobody gave enough money to sponsor Kiddish. There was a Bris. That was a huge party. A lot of happiness. They even had a Shalom Zachor to welcome the new son on Friday night. A Shalom Zachor is where the dad leaves the wife alone with the newborn boy and gets drunk on Friday night, with his buddies, in order to welcome the newborn.
There was also a newborn girl, to the Flomowitz family. Nobody knew about it. They could've done a Simchat Bat to welcome the girl. A Simchat Bat is where you celebrate with nothing. It's a party I have never seen people at. They could've at least done a Kiddish. It seems like the Flomowitzs were not happy. As if it was a letdown. Mr. Flomowitz sat at home and drank alone, in embarrassment. People have to be more prideful of the girls.

People are afraid to wear coats to shul. It seems like Fran and Saul think that once the coat is in the coatroom it's anybody's to take. They see a green coat and it's now theirs, as their coat was foresty and almost green.
 
The shul trip is being organized as we write, for a third time. The last two shul trips didn't work. So, the rabbi is reorganizing it and calling it a different trip. He said he needs to do research, so he has to travel. He really used it as a vacation to get away from the members.
 
What happened on Purim? The little kids were heckling the rabbi’s announcements. I don’t think the kids were drinking. They were five and six years old. Snobby little ones. These kids don’t say 'hi' anymore. Just walk right past you. Very moody. They look like little drunks walking around the shul. Some of theses kids are annoying. I’ve got favorite nephews and nieces.
Had the dad come to the front to pick up his kid. The dad grab is a big shul move. You pick up the kid and carry him out. It has to be a scene. Love the scene. We get to see the discipline that dad forgot to do at home. It's the number dad move in shul, generally used to get out of a sermon. The grab and carry out. It's a swoop. Almost as important as clopping the table for Al HaNisim and YaAleh vYavo. The swoop was miraculous as the kid was dressed as Superman. The cape was flying, as per the great speed of the dad swoop.
 
I believe most of the congregants got extremely heavy over the day of Purim. Old double-breasted suits came out for Shabbat. It's that Mishloach Manot post Purim fat from the candies.

People need to get away after Purim. I think the shul trip will sell. Which is why I am starting a Jenny Craig. The congregants are going to buy it. They always diet before vacation.
I would've given Jenny Craig food in the Mishloach Manot, had I not wanted to make money on the business. Them gaining weight on Purim is my number one sale. I love the holidays. We always put on weight.
 
Youth convention this weekend. We're excited there will be people at shul. The kids have to come. They have a meal after Minyin. They also have some of the main kids doing stuff throughout the day. A few of them are going to be Laying (reading from the Torah). So, most of our members are going to not come. Nobody wants to hear these young kids read. It's not a 'Read for Tomorrow' programming, where we need to sit for an extra forty-five minutes, to give the kids a chance. They're going to end up shul members who complain Davening takes too long, in twenty years. My kids went through it. They don't Layn anymore. They learned their lesson.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
Shabbat Shalom My Bunch…
 
You shall keep the Shabbat. I am saying this, because many of you don't… Nothing to do with the Parsha. Just keep the Shabbat for once... I saw your car, Tzvi... It was moving... You were driving it... I saw you. You waved at me and said 'Good Shabbis'...
 
This week's Parsha begins with the words 'Command Aharon.' The Olah, the elevation offering, was lit all night… If you did anything all night that is not watching TV, drinking and sleeping through morning Minyin, maybe you wouldn't need commandments... (Vayikra 6:2) ‘Command Aharon and his sons.’ It was a command ‘Tzav.’ A Tzav to keep Shabbat, Tzvi… If you weren’t commanded, would you have come to Megilah reading?... Nobody has joined the shul trip, because it’s not a commandment… You have to also command the kids. They do nothing, unless if they are threatened. You’ve got to tell them it’s a sin… The parents do nothing nowadays... They don't even threaten nowadays. Not even a 'if you say that one more time, you don't want to know...' That's why the kids turn out like this... It's that not wanting to know that 'you don't want to know'... Look at them...
We have the convention here this weekend. It’s an honor to host the kids and to try to make them into good Jews who understand the commandments… Their parents do nothing… That's why they send them to conventions. To get rid of them... They send them to camp for the same reason. You see. Lin's parents hate feeding her on Shabbat.
 
Rashi teaches, The word Tzav- Command, is used to hasten, or speed something up... Faster than how you walk to shul. I've never seen anybody walk so slow...
It must be done quickly, because money is involved in the Olah offering, Unlike the day school which has not had one parent who paid tuition this year… We should command the kids to pay too... The parents don't pay tuition. They all go on vacation... ‘Aaron and his kids’… When money is involved people become weary. Such as when we do the Yizkur appeal, many of you pledge a lot of money, and then the synagogue never sees it. A lot of weariness. Years of weariness. It's amazing how the Berksteins can't even answer their phone when the office calls. Too much energy to click the answer button...
That's why they have that new twenty-four hour fundraiser, Match the Grant, at the day school... They know you'll give nothing if you think about it. They get in and get out, and you don't even know its them calling. One call, they got your credit card number, and now they're matching your money up against Milton Dufray's inheritance of the steal manufacturing plant of the Midwest...
Animals are not always cheap, and that makes for a financial loss. I'm trying to find a good deal on dog food, if anybody knows, as my daughter cannot part with her only friend, and I cannot afford this puppy she got. Raisel, please take Mapu out for our sermons. I do not understand why we have to tell the ushers to keep the dogs out... I can care less if she's my daughter, have her buy some bones... Again. We must command children... If I thought about it, we wouldn't have got the dog. That's why she spent the whole day crying...
The shul office manager should cry when calling you. Maybe you'd pay your pledge...
 
The loss of money stops people when they think of it. Hence, we never see the donations that have not been donated… I am sure you wanted to pay your dues, Mr. Feldstein. But then you thought about it and you noticed money was involved, you ran... Yes. You ran fast. That's not the message...
I have to work on accounting for the Feldstein's needs, when they interpret my sermons... You always create a commentary that suits... What about when you learned that people should purchase goldfish, because you had a goldfish farm and you wanted to make money. I was talking about the fifth day of creation. Not goldfish. All about money...

You might lose money if you don't work on Shabbat, or if you don't go to the country club, or don't go shopping on Shabbat. Or don't park across the street and walk to shul. But these are the Mitzvot. Commandments... You can't do a shorter Shabbat. That's not what 'Tzav' means... You are commanded. Think about them and when your rabbi is invited over to your home, maybe you do want to put up some steak. Make it a nice Shabbat dinner. Put your money where your tradition is. And don't be a cheap...
Pinny won’t even pay to come out to the singles meals. Chanan. You should’ve done the singles trip to Spain… I don’t know why they chose a trip to Spain to meet Jews from New York…
You didn’t even give Matanot LaEvyonim… The gifts to the poor, for meals on Purim is a Mitzvah, Rachel. Don’t get me started on the pathetic Mishloach Manot. I would’ve burned that stuff on the Altar... When was the last time you sponsored a Kiddish… We made the grandkid announcements so much… No more announcements until you sponsor… I understand that the Kichel doesn’t cost five dollars a Kichel, but it’s expensive… It’s a donation, Rachel. You sponsor Kiddish, so we can fund the Shul trip... That's how sponosrship works.

H’ has to tell us it’s important sometimes… Because you people don’t get it. I have start every sentence at the morning Minyin with ‘It’s important…’ You people think nothing is important… You rush to get to shul… You don’t run in the shul. You don’t saunter and then start running once you hear the Chazin, to get out of shul…
It’s a command. (Vayikra 6:2) Yes. This one is important. It was lit all night, ‘and the fire of the Altar should be kept aflame on it.’ The flame keeps going… Last Lag BOmer you couldn’t get the fire lit for more than eight minutes. We couldn't even get through one decent folk song... Because there was no bonfire... The eternal light, above the Aron, ark, here is not… You need to pay electric bills. The electric bills were paid in the Temple… 
You kindle wood on it in the morning (Vayikra 6:5). The elevation offering also caused the peace offering fats to ‘go up in smoke.’ (Vayikra (6:6) ‘A permanent fire shall remain lit there, it shall not be extinguished.’ Always elevating... We elevate. When dues are paid, we elevate... We can't cook a decent choolante if we don't have the gas for the stove. Basically, you pay the bills...
And the Kohen dresses correctly for the job… Our Kohens come up there like schlumps... Your Tallis didn't even cover your arms, Dr. Cohen... A Kohen doesn't wear a scarf Tallis... Their for the youth, and the nonFrum... That's Kyle, from Wichita. He's not religious. He thinks it's cold in the shul... 
​
No. Meal offerings are different… They were all done in the Tabernacle and Temple… Aaron’s kids brought it. Yes. His family. That is the same... Families that eat together, stay together... (Vayikra 6:7-11) The meal offering used flour. Three fingers full. That was the measurement… One finger isn’t enough for a meal… It was a measurement of Aaron’s children’s fingers… Levi fingers aren’t the same… No. You can’t measure with a Yisrael’s fingers. They're different fingers. This is why things are messed up here. You have roles and you have different natural abilities. Yisrael’s can’t measure flour right… Then let’s see you bake, Simcha… It’s a ‘satisfying aroma.’ Frankincense is a good aroma… If Rivka used frankincense in her baking, it would come out decent. Frankincense and correct finger measures...
The Kohens eat the leftovers. Jewish tradition of eating leftovers began with Moshe and Aharon… They didn't have freezers back then. It was at most a day. The sun got to it... They eat it in the Courtyard of the Tent of Meeting… It has to be a holy place. They take it out of there. Yisraels, with bad measurements can't eat it. That’s why I eat my food in the office. It’s far away from the congregants… I would rather sit at a table alone than at a table with people who can't measure.
Holy people have to eat the offering. They become holy if they eat it… Yisraels can’t be holy. Congregants are not holy… Don't eat my shnitzel.
 
I just hope you got these kids a decent dessert. They like the creamy stuff… In this shul, not all Yisraels should be baking… You can't even offer these kids a pudding, and you want to be able to join the meal in the courtyard...
 
Meal offerings are not leavened… Pesach is coming up soon and you’re asking about leavening...

Shabbis is a commandment. You have to keep it too, Tzvi... And eat Challah... I know it's leavened. It's Shabbis...
Does everything have to be a commandment? Here are some shul commandments: No offerings brought in the shul… Have to wait for the Temple. Kiddish has to be decent. Bernie. Stop talking. Sadie is correct. Whatever she says, you have to do. This kid, in front of me right now. The same one that heckled me on Purim. She cannot be wandering around the shul during my Sermon… As cute as it is… People have to sign up for the shul trip... Donations have to be made when you flip a tab. It’s a vow… You can’t make vows and not keep them, even if nobody listens to Fran… The back left cannot drink more than three shots on a Shabbat morning… Even if it’s a club… Keep the Shabbat and make it holy... Singles have to chip in for dinner every once in a while... The board has to pay the electric bills, so we can have an eternal flame...
And no more sauntering. It’s a command...
 
You can't eat certain fats... Human fat cannot be eaten, even if you put it on over Purim, due to Mishloach Manot...
You took their coat... I understand it was the same company... Just because it's in the coat room, doesn't make it Hefker. That's probably a sin offering... No stealing coats. New command. No taking coats from the coatroom, unless it is yours.
And do it all fast. Come to Minyin fast. Return the coats you stole. Now!

I am enjoying my vacation right now, keeping holy, down here in Florida... I know the shul trip is to Europe and Israel. I'm doing research for it... There are flights from Florida to Israel. I know that now.
You see. The youth listened more than the back left. Fourteen year old listen better than you Frank. Command. Listen to my sermons.
​I hope the youth learned something from this sermon... Don't be like Bernie...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
Hymie is not a fast reader. That sermon took an hour and a half. Double the time the rabbi usually takes to get out his message, that we have to show up to shul on time.

We need numbers on coats or lockers. People just take the stuff. Stealing is a sin, but when it comes to coats, they think that it's mixed in with all the others, so you can steal it. There must be a Halachik leniency when it comes to merged items.
I wouldn't trust my mink in the coatroom. They would see that thing and feel like it's theirs too, as they have winter coats, and that is close enough.

We are having real problems convincing people to give the money they pledged. All the shul hears is, ‘We didn’t flip the tab.’ Everybody denies flipping the tabs on the appeal cards. There must be an underhanded tag flipper running around the shul on the holidays.
Those Matching the Grant campaigns have me feeling worthless. Our whole community has to chip in to match Milton's donation. He's all high on himself now, thinking that he is more important than the whole community. The shul office would agrees. And he even gives more than he flips.
The rabbi's explanation of sponsorship made all the sense in the world. It also helped clarify why the youth were being served rice, when they spent $240 on their Shabbat convention. It even helped explain why they ended up staying in homes and crashing on the shul floor, instead of staying in a hotel. It's important they know that their money is going towards seniors programming, and gin rummy in the afternoon, and not to their convention. The rabbi is all about messages.

Commanding to hasten stuff is such a beautiful message. I hope the Chazin caught onto that message. He hastens nothing with his repetition of the Amidah prayer. The elevation fire offering would've lost its fire by the end of the repetition.
Commands make life move a lot faster. I'm always thinking about sales. If somebody commanded me to buy the shoes, I would be in and out of Walmart. Now, I spend two hours figuring out which pair to get, because nobody tells me what to do.

'Families that eat together, stay together.' What a brilliant quote from our rabbi. I heard that the Orthodox Union adopted it as their slogan a few months back, thanks to our rabbi's brilliance. The reform and conservative say 'that sit together.' Orthodox now says 'that eat together.' Eat together and fight together.
 
Shmulik was standing the whole time Shira read the rabbi’s sermon, with his arms crossed. Shira took over the reading of the sermon fifty eight minutes in. All the kids listened out of fear of Shmulik. They all ended up also keeping the laws of Shabbat, as Shmulik and the security guard were extremely threatening looking.
And they went to programs real fast, out of fear that they would see Shmulik with nobody around. Shmulik was hired by the NURY youth movement, as a senior scary guy.
Due to the rabbi's message, all the men in the back left ran to Kiddish club. I don't think they caught the message of doing things fast. They definitely took their time coming back to shul. Definitely sauntering.
 
The shul trip command was brilliant. People ended up signing up. From then on, the rabbi started commanding stuff he wanted done. He commanded the board to give him a raise.
A new command of the rabbi's was that all families had to send their kids to summer camp, as the kids were all turning into bad Jews. At summer camp, they wouldn't be around their parents or Bernie, and all would be well.
The kids all started keeping the commands, as Aharon’s did. They listened to Sadie. They even gave the rabbi a raise. They paid more for youth programs. They even found camps to go to, that week. As I heard from the parents, the camps the kids found were very expensive. And that didn't bother the kids.

As my argument about focusing on adults for programs and not kids was taken to heart, we had a lot of injuries. The bouncy house for the seniors wasn’t a good idea. In the end
 
All in all, it was an amazing week. The youth group convention was nice. There were a lot of pictures of friendship taken, and a lot of headleaning for the pictures. Leaning and neck out sticking. You're able to tell good youth group kids by how much their head sticks into the picture, closer to their friends. I noticed that their bodies were not part of the group, but their necks and heads were.

This is exactly the scene at the shul we were at for Taanit Esther. No moral to the story. Just a great scene with the characters from the shul. A great scene for the kids at the day school to act out. 

Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody in the shul has been fasting all day. They're hungry and at shul for Mincha, the afternoon prayer. Nobody is happy. They walk into shul a schlumpy. They grunt at each other.

Congregant 1: Ahhhhh.  

Congregant 2: Ahhhh. Been working all day at the factory. The fast is killing me.

Congregant 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7: Food.

Congregan 3 walks in, the only cheery guy.

Congregant 3: The fast is about Teshuva. Repentance. It's about being with people and getting along. Rebuilding the Beit Hamikdash through love of your fellow Jew.

Congregant 2: I can't stand this guy. 

Congregant 3: You're supposed to feel good.

Everybody looks at Congregant 3 not happily, and grunt.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
​
Everybody is in the middle of the silent prayer, the Amidah, and saying the additional prayer of penitence for H' to answer us on this day of our fast, the Aneiny prayer. Somebody says the beginning of the prayer out loud, to remind people to say the additional prayer and to show off that he remembered to say it.

Congregant 4: Aneinu H' Aneinu.

Everybody acknowledges. Congregant 4, and give him a thumbs up or a fist of approval. They continue praying the silent prayer. Congregant 4 smiles with self-contentment and pride.
All continue praying. From the hallway, you hear a big crunch. Definitely potato chips. It's heard by everybody, while they are praying. Another crunch is heard. People start looking at each other and get back to praying. Another crunch is heard. All of their prayers are interrupted. They can't concentrate. The guy starts eating faster and louder. People are looking at each other. You start to hear the bag now crumpling. He hear the guy crunching more on the chips. You then hear the crescendo, the guy drinking the rest of the chips. There is silence for a second, everybody gets back to the Amidah, silent prayer. Congregant 2 finished the Amidah and walks over to Congregant 1. You hear another crunch.

Congregant 2: They're happy.

The sound of the rest of the bag crumpling is heard. People are interrupted in their prayer again and show frustration, looking at each other. There is a moment of silence. They are all back praying the Amidah with Kavanah, intent. Twenty seconds later, you hear another chip going into the mouth with a loud crunch.
The crunching continues at a fast pace. Everybody is finished and walks towards the door.

Scene 3
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY

Baruch, the one that has been eating, is sitting outside opening another bag of chips. He has three bags open out there. Another crunch is heard. Baruch is sitting outside the door of the shul, in the hallway, has a table setup right there, full of food and drinks. The Minyin (the men praying) walk outside and see the guy. He is now spreading peanut butter on celery and an apple. 

Congregant 1: It's Baruch.

Congregant 5: Do you eat anything silent? Maybe a rugulach? 

Congregant 6: He has Kichel there.

Congregant 2: Can we get some of that?

Baruch: It's a fast day. How can you even think about eating? It's shameful.

Congregant 5: You're eating.

Baruch: You have to wait till the fast is over. I'm sick. I have to eat. The doctor said I need the nutrients.

Congregant 2: Then why are you eating chips?

Baruch: Are these not nutrients? Look at the bag. There's a box that says 'nutrients' right here. And look. Celery and apples. 

Congregant 1: But you're eating chips.

Congregant 5: Should he be eating nutritious food? It's a fast day.

Scene 4
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody goes back into the shul. The Chazin begins the repetition of the prayer, outloud. Baruch keeps on eating. Takes a bite of the celery.
​
Congregant 1: Everything he eats is loud.

Congregant 5: You can't have Kavanah (proper intent) when Baruch is eating.

You hear Baruch start chewing his apple, and you see him smiling. The happiest man on the fast day, as he is sick.
 
Congregant 3: That’s how you’re supposed to be on a fast day.
 
We pan back outside and we see Baruch eating chips again.

​Kibbitzer Conclusion
Eating outside the shul on a fast day is the next level of funny. Hearing the chips added another layer to the regular scene of angry people. Brilliant timing. All these fatigued people and they hear this guy outside munching on the food. 
Being sick on a fast day is not that bad. It also interrupts Minyin.
Don't try to talk about repentance or love of your fellow man on a fast day. People only want to talk about the day being done. Nobody causes hatred of Jews more than a happy guy on a fast day. That is what causes baseless hatred and why the Temple was destroyed.
In the end, Congregant 3 was hungry. Something about hearing chips brings hunger.
Nobody feels better than the guy who calls out the Aneinu or the Yaleh vYavo when it's Rosh Chodesh. You can feel that pride when they call it out. The people who said the Aneinu silently feel like idiots for not calling it out, when they could've been a star. The shul pride lasts for days. Almost as much pride as the guy who clops the table to scare everybody into saying the Yaleh vYavo.
Happiness for the congregants started after Megillah reading, when people started eating. They still grunted at each other.

In the times of Megilat Esther we were commanded to 'send food portions, man to his friend.' Known as Mishloach Manot, this is how we are commanded to celebrate Purim, along with gifts to the poor and more food for us. (Esther 9:22) 'Days of feasting and happiness, sending of portions to one another, and presents to the poor.' It all means food. As the rabbis realized very quickly, Jews can only be happy with food. The entertainment will be complained about, but the food will be complained about and enjoyed.
So the Jews decided to send food to one another in the form of wicker baskets. Wicker is very easy to clean if there is a spill. There were a lot of spills back then, as packaging wasn't good in the BCEs.
And then there was Easter. So, all Jews started buying whatever they could find on sale, to give to their friends. Walmart had a whole section of bunnies and chocolate, and that is how we see chocolate eggs in our Mishloach Manot, along with Kinder eggs. They then decided to also give the tiny bottles of alcohol they were able to steal from ELAL. And then Haddar started selling Hamentashen at Costco. Thus, the Hamentashen people get in their Mishlaoch Manot. Unmarked Hamentashen, made by Haddar, the new taste of kosher, hand pulled from the plastic package, in sandwich bags. Unpackaged, making crumbs in your Mishloach Manot, as in ancient times. And then people started receiving a lot of Mishloach Manot, and they tried to figure out how to save it for the following Halloween, or to hand it to a neighbor they didn't think about when making their own Mishloach Manot.. 

At first, Mishloach Manot were only sent to one person, to fulfil the commandment of 'portions.' That became very overwhelming for some families, who had just started cleaning out their fridge and preparing for Pesach. To quote Bernie: 'In the 1950s, we just found it easier to give our gift packages in bulk form... To tell the truth. We threw everything we could into that package. Anything we could get rid of. We had Pesach coming up, and getting the junk-food out of the house was paramount. Most of our sweets were Chametz. Anything leftover from last year, we sent it. Anything we found on sale, we sent it. We sent it all. Any candy we found, we threw it right into that bag. A lunch bag. It was clear that it was stuff we had to get out of the house. Leftovers? They were all in there. We even sent somebody a bit piece of chicken leg.'
Picking up on this, the world of wicker started making smaller Purim sized baskets. Hence, Mishloach Manot were something that were something you had to give to everybody in the community. Ending with the most important tradition of forgetting somebody, and offending them. I have witnessed new Purim enemies in my community every year. Tradition. 
And that is how we end up with small wicker and plastic packages, full of Easter eggs, a bunny, Hershey's Kisses in Christmas themed packaging, Hamentashen from Haddar that will last through next Purim, a thimble sized bottle of Johnny Walker, and plastic cling wrap, showing up at your door, from the Cohens, with a note written out to the Cohens, for the Cohens to have a Happy Purim. Not you.
The Cohens didn't need the Chametz either. And they didn't care enough about you, to write your name on it. Maybe they just wanted to gloat, that the Schwartzs thought about them and gave them stuff.

I don't know where the hundred gram chocolate bar tradition started. I wish I had a good answer as to the origins of that tradition. Bite size chocolate makes sense, as there are leftovers from Halloween, and thus, part of our tradition.
Maybe some wealthy Jews got involved and were giving the nonJewish kids full chocolate bars for Halloween. Be it what it is, I have never come across full size chocolate bars on sale. I've only found Halloween bite size on sale at The Christmas Tree Shop. For that matter, tradition of giving out small packages of Mike and Ikes in wicker has also found its way into many communities.
For that matter, bottles of Kedem grape juice in Mishloach Manot is also religiously questionable, as they are not tiny, and most of them are Kosher for Pesach; thus, there is no reason to get rid of them.
A large bottle of vodka may find its way into Mishloach Manot, when you have a friend who has too many kids. Even so, whiskey is better, as you may want to unload that for Pesach.

No tradition of fruit was ever part of Mishloach Manot, as that brings happiness to nobody. Dried fruit may be added, as sugar has been concentrated in those, and you have leftovers from Tu BShvat. That is how the dried fruit tradition started in the 1600s.

The Frum community decided to stick with wicker and plastic bowls. That is what you have today in the Frum community.
The less Frum communities have adapted the paper plate Hamentashen. Choosing origami over tradition. The good thing about the paper plate Hamentashen is that there's a limit to how much it holds. With the staples on the sides (staples is how Jews do origami- it holds together better that way), heightening it, there is a limit to how much overflow the plastic cling wrap can retain.
All communities now pick-up their Mishloach Manot accouterments at The Christmas Tree Shop. Another Jewish tradition began in the 1990s. 
Please note that you cannot make a decent Hamentash out of a plastic plate. They crack and it looks like the bakery messed up your pastry. Another note, while we are noting historical facts. Kinder eggs have been banned from Mishloach Manot, as the kids would rather eat the figurines than play with them.

No tradition of masks and groggers in your Mishloach Manot was ever developed. They are not edible and thus useless. What you see in the children Mishloach Manot bags are just for kids to enjoy the holiday and throw on the floor. If they had bite size masks, the tradition to add them to Mishloach Manot might have developed. 
Next time, we will delve into the traditions of the Purim kid bags that come in cone form. We will also research when cleaning began. We believe modern day cleaning up began with the first children leaving their wrappers on the floor in the year 118 CE.

Many have asked about the tradition of sending cake and pancake mixes. That is forbidden. It is not enjoyable to have to cook. The commandment is to be happy, and that happens with pre-made food. Though it's not tradition to send brisket, as it brings more Simcha (happiness) to eat it oneself, it may be done. If you are wealthy and have somebody else cooking for you, it's fine to send brisket, along with the full chocolate bars.

The card has always caused problems. The tradition of having somebody's name attached to the recipient part of the Mishloach Manot was put there to ensure that Jews didn't get along. The ancient tradition made sense, when they would literally send Mishloach Manot through messengers. However, they stopped the tradition of sending the Mishloach Manot, in the year 1643, once they realized that the messengers were eating the chocolate on the way.

I am happy to answer any of your questions about Jewish history.

The new assistant rabbi in shul tryout was good. We hired him as a youth director. The rabbi decided that this way he'll be able to focus on the issues of keeping the kids out of the sermon. Kids running around during the Drashas has been very annoying. The rabbi feels that assisting in making sure kids are out for the sermon is a great way to assist him. 
 
We were talking Michael taking off weight in the women's section on Shabbat. That's what we did for the Musaf service, and Kiddish.
Everybody always tells Michael he took off weight. How fat do they think he is? He can't always be taking off weight and still be fat. It doesn't make sense. Even so, they always say he's taking off weight. Michael has a fat reputation. 
Rachel also has a fat reputation, but they don't always say 't looks like you took off weight' to her. At some point, she would take offense and ask how fat they thought she was. But she does have a fat reputation. That's how people remember her. So she also looks like she took off weight.
You can tell Michael though. He's a guy. It's fine to let him know he's got the fat reputation. It started back at his Bar Mitzvah. He was chubby, and those pictures got out.
I think it's because he got a little beard. He can't grow a good beard, but he forgot to shave. So, it looks like a beard, and that is fat camouflage. I hope he meets a girl he fancies before he shaves. 

The funeral of Mrs. Fleegelman was well attended. A lot of people were happy to see her go. Again, we need to have a class on funeral and Shiva etiquette. This community shows their happiness too much. There are times to not be laughing. At the procession they were smiling and laughing. They thought it was a community event. Bill thought it was a BBQ and baseball game at the park. They see community and they talk. They think the rabbi is talking, so they talk.
 
Festivals are coming up. That means preparation. A lot of shul emails about giving charity. Why the poor people can't afford the holidays is simple. The price of Matzah is crazy. Shmurah Matzah is not affordable. And then the Hamentashen at the local bakery are crazy high prices.
You've got to pay for the product and a donation to be Jewish. It's Matzah plus the community being supported by your keeping the Mitzvah. You're buying Kosher for Passover food and lights for the shul. It makes it hard to afford simple Mitzvot. I started trying to keep less Mitzvot, for financial reasons.
The school bought the bakery. Now the school is running the thing and it costs a lot. Everytime I go to the bakery I feel like I am getting hounded for a fundraiser.
 
Purim is coming up. Kids are still dressed not proper for shul on Shabbat. The kids are wearing these fighter things. They’ve got face paint. They’re celebrating Mardi Gras. And then you got some dressed as crusaders. Is history not taught in elementary school anymore?
 
Since it’s a holiday this Wednesday, we have some non-Jewish people joining us for services. Groups from the college come around holiday time, and hear about how messed up our community is. The rabbi loves when these groups come. He loves it when he sees people that aren't Jewish. They listen to the sermon.
 
We have a planned Havdalah Ceremony. We can't just do Havdalah. Now it’s an event. What happened to people just doing Havdalah? Can’t be traditions anymore. Nothing can be done because we do it, and it's the right thing to do. Now everything has to be an event. You've got to call it an event. Jews don't keep traditions anymore. They keep events.
The rabbi is now trying to host a daily, Shacharit service event. 
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
Shabbat Shalom My Dear Livestock
 
You amazing congregation of Jewish people and a few of you awesome goyim who are joining us for services today. You make me more proud than my congregation. Bernie, please stand... That's why.
 
(Vayikra 3:1-17) We learn in this week's parsha about the Olah offering, also known as the burnt sacrifice, which was brought twice a day... You could do a little learning yourselves every once in a while and also look at Wikipedia. This way I wouldn't have to explain everything to you… Learn a little about your tradition and browse the internet. There are some excellent sites about the Jews of Hollywood....
 
In the seventh verse we see how the priests had to bring the sacrifice. They would put a fire on the altar and then lay out branches on the fire. This wasn't a BBQ. Bill wasn't the guy standing there, flipping burgers, thinking he's doing his religious duty... You come to shul Bill. Manning the grill isn't a job for a sexton.... You're not a Kohen, and they didn't make burgers back then. They ate the steak whole... I don't know if they had buns. They probably used Challah… Flipping burgers doesn’t count for atonement.
How the Kohen did this on the altar? No idea. Didn't see it when preparing the Dvar Torah. Nothing on WIkipedia... Like how chefs are able to touch fire. They got used to standing on the altar...
Rashi explains that the fire came down from heaven. Nothing to do with my message, but very neat... It wasn't an event. It was a ceremony. A daily ceremony. A tradition. They didn't need to make flyers for it.
 
Rashi goes on to comment on the meaning of 'The sons of Aaron' to explain that he had to perform this service as the priest, in his priestly garments and not the garments of ordinary Kohanim. It couldn’t be done by ordinary Kohanim. Why we call up these guys to the Torah is a question I ask… Just your clothes are offensive. Your garments are off. You need better garments to join in ritual at the shul. That is the new rule. And kids can't go to junior congregation, with the assistant rabbi, dressed for Mardi Gras...
The Chazin looks all disheveled... You're leading Musaf. Iron it... Purim is coming up. Maybe your costume should be to dress like a Chazin. Dress like somebody who's leading services...
The priestly garments were priestly... That means made for priests. They had a priestly thing. They were priestly. That's what made them priestly...
 
You don’t trust congregants to do important stuff. You don’t have Fred, the president, making decisions… You can’t dress up as a Kohen for Purim and do the service… The clothes have to be appropriate… That is true. People who wear suits get paid more and don’t have to work. Which is why I ask why nobody here is wearing a suit. You don't work… I see how you helped with the renovations... Maybe if you wore a suit, you would get an Aliyah to the Torah. We don't need people in Hawaiin Luau outfits opening the ark... Aharon's outfit looked nothing like a Luau. Yes. The service had some good roast, There were fires... No ukuleles.
How about you dress up like a decent Jew for Purim. 
There’s a reason I am asking for another raise...
 
The Goyim are dressed more like Kohens. Bernie, see how Tyler is dressed. That’s how a Jew dresses… They didn’t wear shorts in the Temple… Skirts. That’s why they didn’t go up on the altar. You respect it.
 
It is the clothes that make the service acceptable. The dress is important. You play football in your soccer clothes, you dance with your dancing shoes, you come to shule in a suit... That's the shul uniform. A suit or a skirt. Not a Hawaiian floral arrangement on your chest... You don't wear shorts on Shabbat in this congregation. Hana, how do you expect H' to hear your prayers with sandals?... What were you thinking Ben, when you got that haircut? Stand up. I want everybody to see what happens when we don't follow dress codes. Turn around. Show them... That is not acceptable for anything. Such a high cut in the back. Embarrassing... It embarrasses us to have to see you. 
 
It's the clothes and the person. It’s everything... Yes. The clothes make the person. Look at the board. Without clothes, they would be more pathetic...
 
The altar couldn’t be made of metal… Because you make weapons out of that stuff...
So certain costumes shouldn’t be worn to shul... Even in Purim. It’s like you’re sinning in order to repent. Can’t do that… That’s why we don’t cut the altar stone with material used for weapons… That's why I don't have the congregants over for dinner. You would make me want to sin... That's why it always looks like Michael is losing weight...
 
With all that we have. With all the blessing H' gave us. That means, not the back left of the shul. What did you bring?
(Vayikra 1:1-2) ‘From animals. From cattle, and from sheep you shall bring your offering.’ You don't give H' something he doesn't want. You don’t give something I don’t want. You don’t bring me a vegetable platter… I don’t like celery. Nobody wants celery in there… It’s not a good offering and it gets stuck in your teeth. You don't have a Purim Carnival with a plastic figures as prizes... They need to be elastic. You want to be able to stretch your G.I. Joe... You don't have an apple bob. It's disgusting... No. Bob. To bob for apples is disgusting. All the germs... You guys made such a big deal about COVID, and now the kids are bobbing for apples. Is there any happy medium...

(Vayikra 1:3-17) We brought the elevation offerings… When you messed up you brought an elevation offering. This shul would’ve had a set guy at the Tabernacle, on the elevation offerings. Just standing there, taking notes for how bad this membership messes up… Rachel dropped off her kids late to school to school again. Then, she forgot to pick them up. The back left section spoke Lashon Hara again. We ate too much at the BBQ. Hired the Chazin. Bad decision. The men’s section is dressed like a schlump. Michael is still living with his parents, and he hasn't lost any weight. Chanan isn’t married. Sarah hasn’t done any Mitzvahs. Shprintza can’t even use a crockpot… All day. He would  be standing there, elevating for all your sins... OK. Not sins. Mistakes.
Also, when you feel like you could’ve done a Mitzvah… You need somebody telling you to feel guilty. Bernie thinks it’s Purim all year. Dressed like that. When was the last time you did Mitzvahs?... Another reason for elevation offerings. Bernie's being here.
You guys mess up all the time. When do you not mess up? We would need a Gabai at the altar all year.... You even mess up the choolante.
 
Rules. You don't follow them. You bring an elevation offering... No. It goes up. You can't eat it... You've already messed up. Now you want to mess up your Olah, elevation, too?... We can't bring offerings nowadays. We can just feel guilty. This congregation has to feel guiltier.
Rules. There are recipes. You bring the cow a certain way. The sheep a certain way. The turtledove… It’s a type of dove. It’s not a flying turtle. You take apart the innards of the cow and the sheep… The Torah tells us that…. Of course you put it on the altar. You don’t cook it in an oven… Then where does it go. You roast.
The point is that you cook things correctly. You do it according to the recipe and it coes out good.
 
(Vayikra 1:14-17) Birds were allowed. Yes. But only for the poor people… The cheap ones too. This shul would've brought birds... I saw the anual campaign. 
Birds are different. There is no blood sprinkling… They didn’t sprinkle it like a modern art abstract. It was clean. Rules. You don't want to ruin decent clothing if you don't have to.
No heart. These were rituals. Not events… People only show up for events in our shul. That's the new thing. You show up for what is important. You don't need a flyer to tell you to show up...
 
(Vayikra 1:4) ‘He shall lean his hand on the head of the elevation offering, and it shall be acceptable for him to atone.’
It has to be acceptable. The Kohen has to look decent. The animal has to be right. You have to be part of this offering, not like last week's Bat Mitzvah, where nobody wanted to be there... Agreed. It was not a smorgasbord. It got everybody in a bad mood, when we didn't see the pigs in a blanket... 
‘Wanted’ is the word. ונרצה. Nobody wanted potato puffs. Everybody wanted pigs in a blanket... ‘Allowed.’ H’ doesn’t want just the animal. First we have to commit. It has to be wanted, like Rachel. Michael was an accident.
We have to know we sinned. Acknowledge it. That's why we lean our hands on the elevation offering. (Rambam- Maaseh Karbanot 3:13-15) ‘While doing so, he confesses the sin or shortcoming that prompted him to bring the offering.’ You have shortcomings… Yes. I’m quoting Artscroll. Finally, somebody follows along. Reads for themselves… You can’t deny the sin and shortcomings and not bring the offering… That’s why you’re sinners. You can’t even see… From now on, I am going to offer a service. You come to me and I tell you how you’re a sinner. It’s a pre-Teshuva service… Yom Kippur is not enough for this flock...
Put your hands on it, then you can have it work for atonement for you… You lean on it and you’ll fall asleep, Sid. I’ve seen you falling asleep leaning on the pole over in the back… They didn't fall asleep on the sheep.
It can’t atone for you if you don’t feel it. If you don’t acknowledge what you did wrong. You don’t just send it and say, ‘Here you go Kohen. Make it good.’… I know. That’s how you daven. You pray with no soul… I heard your Adon Olam. It’s with no heart. You can't just show up and say 'So. I messed up like the president of the board. Don't we all... No. I don't feel bad, but there is a ritual. It's an event.'
There’s a reason everybody puts their arms in and says ‘Go team’… Other teams do it… Yes. They do. They win. They say ‘Go team.’ They feel like a team. Then they win. They’re committed… They put their hands together
(Menachot 93a) He leans both hands. Sports teams only do one… There isn’t room for the two hands. The circle doesn't allow for more than one. If it did, they would do two hands... If it's a team of more than three people, it doesn't work. You've got to sideways in, the outside hand doesn't fit.
 
Once you’re committed, Gd gets involved. The fire may come down from heaven and aide you... Yes. It aides you. But you have to first lean. You have to do the first move there... You offer no aide to the shul. That's why we ask for donations. You have to first aide the shul, then it aides you. Like the sheep. You lean on it first... Do something already. If you gave money, I wouldn't have to do an appeal every weak. Pinny. The cards. Please go around with the flip downers...
The fire came down. Unlike Paroh. Unlike Haman. Unlike Amalek. Unlike Bernie, who do not put in their effort for atonement. You can atone. I think... Not sure...
You dress like Amalek Bernie.
Let’s get some heart into what we do. The heart aides. It aides in you not being hyou… A little sing along. It’s fine. You can cry, Bernie.

You dress right. You act right. You cry at the funeral. Feel the loss. It's not conversation time. It's not Kiddish with the buddies... The coffin was right there, Shlomo.
Just like Amalek. No heart. I hate Amalek. Hate them. Oh!!!! I hate Amalek!!!! I hate them so much... Haman. Booooh.
We all have Amalek in our lives… Just like El Guapo. They are in our lives. For some it’s school work… You can learn a lot from The Three Amigos.
 
Elevation happens when we humble ourselves. We put in the effort to prepare. We bring an animal. We look decent. It’s the person, the object and the dress.
You don’t wear a Hawaiian shirt to a funeral… She was Jewish. She was living in New York. New Yorkers don't wear Hawaiian shirts... That's after they moved down to Florida. When they're old. And they do Teshuva down there. They lean a lot. On everything.
On Purim. You dress up in proper ways of other cultures… After Purim. You atone with an elevation offering... Because you even messed up Purim. You even messed up dressing not like yourself. You can't even be a decent not you...
 
The problem is you’re not humble. Moshe starts Vayikra with a small Alef, as he is being humble. Alef, meaning to teach, is how we should learn Torah… Humility. See the Artscroll. Couldn’t even read the first page of the Parsha... Humble means not coming up with crazy dress ideas that are not Shabbisdik... That means meant for Shabbat. Such a not Frum congregation. After Shabbis, we're doing ancestry checks... And certificates of conversion.
For those who want to atone, we're starting an Artscroll Parsha Daf Yomi... This week, we start with The Parsha of the week... We'll also start an Artscroll Gemara Daf Yomi. We'll start with Mesechta Megilah... So you'll be prepared for next Purim. You think ahead. That's being humble...
I'll put out a flyer for people to learn, be humble and dress right, and to sacrifice according to rules. This way, it will be an event, and people will do it...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon

Daf Yomi is learning a page of the Talmud everyday. It takes seven years to finish all the Gemara like that. Artscroll splits up those pages into around 10 pages. So, it would take seventy years to finish the Artscroll Daf Yomi, focusing on the English. The rabbi knows how to keep a job.
​
Great technique, telling the congregants how good they are, before going off on them being unhelpful, and bad Jews, dressed all disgusting. The non-Jewish people who joined definitely feel better now that they know how bad Jews can be.
How the rabbi mixed Bernie in with Amalek was very powerful. It was his shirt. He just went to an AC/DC concert last week. He was very excited and felt the high watts of AC/DC. It made for an interesting Shacharit that Bernie led, when he high-pitched and kind of rock-screeched the repetition of the Amidah.
Bernie said something about Purim. The rabbi didn't care. First the AC/DC shirt, then covered it with a Hawaiian shirt.

Now we know why there is so much guilt in our community. We can't bring the guilt offerings anymore. So, we are left with guilt. Truth is, my community doesn't have any guilt. They've been able to overlook the Jewish guilt, and sin with comfort.
 
Haven’t seen Bill very much. Last time we saw Bill was at the summer cookout. He identifies with Judaism through grills. I think he feels that manning the grill is a religious service. The rabbi was trying to tell him that a baseball game and a BBQ is not a religious service. A Chazin doesn’t need to man a grill for us to do it right, as the rabbi explained. Truth is, if we knew how to Daven, pray correctly as a Jew, we wouldn't need the Chazin. Very confusing, as the rabbi says the Chazin doesn't know how to lead either.
A whole discussion took place after Davening (prayers) at Kiddish, where the rabbi had to explain how it’s forbidden to sacrifice animals in the parking lot of a baseball stadium, to ask Gd for your team to win.
 
The rabbi hates the Chazin’s gown. Anytime he has a chance to mock it, he does.
The rabbi had a hard time explaining 'priestly.' I know he had a hard time, because he repeated 'priestly' seven times. Truth is that nothing in our shul is priestly. Clothes are off. Rules are a question. Most of the members definitely don't keep Mitzvot. We need to come up with rules, just to have rules that we can enforce. We can't ask people to keep Mitzvot. That would be offensive. But to follow rules, we can do that. A certain recipe for the kugel, I think we might be able pull. Just not with Jessica. She's going to do her own thing.
 
Now everything in shul has to be advertised. That's what events need. Advertising. Now we have flyers for Shabbat. Minyin has a flyer. Pesach has a flyer.  The calendar isn't enough. It needs a flyer. Kiddish has its own flyer, so that people know when to show up to miss Shacharit.
 
Funding has been off because we never sent out calendars this year. You need to send out calendars.
Flip downers are great. The problem is the shul has to collect that money. It's amazing how quickly the people who donate forget. Is it even a donation if they don't donate the money? Is flipping a tab considered a donation?
Point: If you don't send out calendars, you don't have donations.

Bernie got emotional with the concept of being allowed to cry. The rabbi said, 'You can cry,' when talking about shul uniforms and a shul crest on the blazers. It reminded Bernie of his Scottish friends. He always wanted to be from Northern Britain.
 
Some more stuff that Happened this Week:
Michael didn’t take off weight. He grew his beard longer. Fat camouflage.
Timed Shivas has been instituted and put out to the shul membership. No more than three hours visits. This way you can get Hymie and Fran out. We also want people to not become hungry while at the Shiva. The community was donating the food, and eating it. The Kleinwitzes sent a chicken pot pie and ate it while at the Shiva, as they got hungry.
The rabbi's class on funerals without Kiddishes, was well accepted by the mourners, who didn't have food to eat. The question of why a hard boiled egg can't be a reason to socialize came up at the class. It was decided that you can only enjoy a Kiddish if the hard boiled egg is in egg salad form. Thus, making it a Kiddish. And thus, egg salad was banned at Shivas.
Shul potluck dinner. Couldn't eat anything. Nobody trusts anybody else's Kosher standards. That was an issue again.
The Mitzvah board finally has Mitzvahs on it. Shmuel got up for Yedidiya to sit down. Shmuel wanted to leave shul. He didn't come back in for Minyin, but he got Mitzvah points.

The assistant rabbi came full-time a few months later and the rabbi had him on the youth. He also had him running to pick up his lunch at the grocery last week. He had him running around a lot for him. He even had him do a car-wash and set up an appointment with his accountant. I believe the rabbi has a messed up idea of what an assistant rabbi does. 
The rabbi didn't let the assistant rabbi give sermons, but he did allow him to bring him copies of his sermons.
 
The rabbi really hates Amalek.
Nobody showed for the reading of erasing Amalek. Idea of snow keeps people from a Torah command to hear wiping out Amalek. They said there would be a storm. There wasn’t. So, people didn’t come. Many of the congregants have expressed that we should kill Amalek with love, because that's how you fight in the modern day. You fight with love. Wiping out has thus been translated to cleaning Amalek, by Devorah. Making sure Amalek showers.
 
The rabbi ended up giving a class on how to dress for Purim. It turned into a class on proper dress for shul.
Purim prep turned into a fight. We should've just had a fight, and called that the carnival. The carnival itself was excellent, though there were a lot of line fights. You don't mess with a fifth grader when they are tossing beanbags at a Tic-Tac-Toe board.
The Puirm carnival had the apple bob. They didn't listen to the rabbi. Everybody got sick. Nobody caught COVID. There was just a lot of puking from the disgustingness of the apple bob.
 
Bill insisted on a Purim BBQ. It was decided against, due to it causing another fight at the carnival prep meeting. It’s also hard to get smell out of costumes.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done for decorum in the Holy Land.

It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.

​Rabbi tried talking to the Millennials and Gen Zers. They were offended. Just hearing the rabbi talk offended them. It turns out that anything that is related to the Torah offends them. That means the rabbi offends them. Just seeing him. Seeing a Torah covered, not allowing it to breath, offends them. They were offended by themselves coming to listen to the rabbi. Once the rabbi said 'Torah' it was over. 

We ended up kicking them out of the shul. We have a new rule: Nobody between the ages of fourteen and forty-five are allowed at shul.
 
Leo's Kosher Deli is doing well, being that nobody has come there over the past year. Leo needed a break and he's happy not having to see any of the community.
We're trying to get him to reopen. Leo said, 'As long as I don't have to see people, I will happily run the deli.'
He also seems to be angry with the Kosher guys. He doesn't understand the job of Kosher supervision. The guy is a supervisor. He's a Kosher watcher over. He watches over. Leo wants him to work. Rabbi Mendelchem explained that his job is to not work. Leo doesn't like that. He's also trying to figure out how a fifteen year old landed a job where he doesn't have to work.
In the meantime, our community has Kosher all messed up. We have some members of our shul using blue for meat. What kind of a heretic uses blue for meat? Blue is dairy. Red is meat. The Feinblums don't know this. Biggest mistake ever made at a Kiddish is the Feinblums sharing this. Now we know why some of the blue silverware was 16-karat gold.
How decent silverware got mixed into the dairy is an anomaly. At least it was till the Feinblums solved the mystery with their heresy. Now, nobody wants to eat in our shul. Every good Jew knows that you never use good silverware or china for dairy. It's stainless steal or plastic. The best Jews use plastic for everything. Now I know why nobody trusts the level of Kosher in our shul.
Leo's is doing fine, as he only uses plastic silverware. As he says, 'It's less service.' People trust him. We call it plastic silverware, as it sounds classier. The classiest is the silver covered plastic. That's when you know you're eating by people with class.
The Gen Zers were offended by Kosher. They were offended by laws. Just having laws offends them.
 
Kiddish conversations have been on the down-low. The congregants decided to stop smiling. Not smiling keeps people away. Looking very unfriendly is a great way to ensure that you have space at the Kiddish table. 
I am happy not speaking to couples. Couples talking is annoying. Got to hear the stories. Got to hear about how they met, their trips, those stories where they end up love slapping the other's arm. Now, I don't need to find an excuse to get out of there. Cute couples talking bothers me.
 
Biggest news this week. Mike picked up a two liter Kedem Grape Juice for $6.50. Wouldn't stop talking about it. At the local butcher it was $13.
 
Youth programming has been a big topic at the shul. Not one person brought up programming for the elderly. No programming for older people. We need older people groups. Not just a youth groups. It would be good if the older people left shul too. 
People didn't even discuss the sick. They just said, 'Let the sick be the sick and let the older people die.' That's what I heard.
 
Mazel Tovs: The Simchasteins had two grandchildren. Their smiles bothered everybody, as if they were rubbing it in. There were a bunch of birthdays. We've got to stop announcing birthdays. Either we announce birthdays or Simchas. Can't do both.
I propose only announcing birthdays that are connected to Simchas. Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs. A kid reaches eight days old. Ninety. We announced Bella's ninetieth. I was fine with that. That's a birthday to announce. That's a Simcha of surviving this community.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
Shabbat Shalom My Cattle… My herd is fine too.
 
(Shemot 38:21) ‘These are the reckonings of the Mishkan (the Tabernacle)…’ It’s the English translation… I don’t know what a Tabernacle is either… So, we’ll call it the Mishkan… Because it’s the Mishkan, Bernie…
In the Mishkan, there were reckonings. There was counting. There was accountability. They had to follow a plan. The shul board didn’t mess it up. They couldn't. Betzalel was on top of them… Baruch. You can’t even figure out your income. Bookkeeping is a problem in this community… The only smart financial move made the past week is Mike’s deal he found at Tinoli’s Supermarket… $6.50 for a two-liter bottle of Kedem is amazing. Good job Mike. You should be reckoning for the shul. You'll reckon a better kitchen for us. You'll save money for us with your penchant for sales. You should probably reckon Baruch's taxes...
 
They weighed the ‘gold, the silver and the copper, and counted all the vessels for all the work’ (Rashi). We can’t even find a serving spoon for the choolante… Accountability, Bernie.
Service platters are all over. We can’t find a thing. The Kosher is setup wrong… You don’t use a blue marker for the meat… Now we have no idea what's meat. It's reckoned all wrong. We can't even use any of them for Kiddish work... Kiddish is holy work, and we have messed up blue vessels...
She’s a fool. She used the red for dairy. I know. It’s messed up. Now everybody’s afraid to eat in the shul… Because you reckoned wrong. It’s wrecked.
No accountability. No reckoning...

The shul president is no Betzalel Ben Uri Ben Chur… Do you even know the name of your great-grandfather, Fred?... When he got called up to the Torah, he might have tagged on that extra generation… We’d have to send emissaries to Ellis Island, and get research teams on the grounds in Europe, just to get through Revi'i... Because nobody has ever reckoned anything here. You have no idea who your ancestors are. You don't even know who showed up to the shul BBQ... Where are the utensils? Nobody knows. Exactly.
Do we have an Ohaliav?... Exactly. Nobody names their children Ohaliav. You should start… He reckoned right. (Shemot 38:23) ‘Ohaliav the son of Achismach of the tribe of Dan, a carver, a weaver, an embroider of turquoise, purple and scarlet wool, and linen.’ He did it all. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t say, ‘This should be the program for older people.’ There were professionals… Crocheting is fine. Painting is also good. But not when it’s the piece that is hanging in the front hall… Or the cloth quilt covering the ark… Renovations is not a good program for older people. Look… We need people who reckon with talent...
Then why are they on the committee. We need people with talent to work on stuff… Then hire a handyman. The bathroom stall’s door is still flimsy as anything… You hire a guy with no talent. Worse, a volunteer with no talent, who doesn't reckon... Because there is no accounting, they thought they were fixing a leak...
 
The materials were a lot. People donated stuff... No plaques, even with the silver and gold. They just donated, Sheril. (Shemot 38:24-31). A lot of talents… This wasn’t a sing along. It was talents of gold, silver… It’s a weight… I would rather see that then to have to see Menachem at another violin recital. I don’t know if we can call that a talent…
The talent is exciting because they did stuff with it. They made the pegs, the sockets… A hundred talents of silver from the community. And then another 1,775 shekels… We can’t even get a decent person. One decent community member. One person to go to the hardware store and pick up brackets… The shekels had a better exchange back then. Inflation…
​
We need a plan. We need better organization. We need for Fred to not be the president.
(Shemot 38:27-31) They were the sockets for the Sanctuary… And more. Sockets for the Sanctuary, the holy,
And then copper used for the Tent of meeting and the copper altar and the vessels… Copper works for vessels. And they didn’t paint them blue… Because they weren’t dairy… It was a copper altar. You use copper for the copper altar. Not gold or silver… Because it was a copper altar, Bernie!
A lot of sockets. They made the holes of what held everything together with the community donations… What held it together? Staves. Rods. Stuff you stick through it… They were holy sockets. Like you. You are holy sockets. Sockets waiting to be filled. Filled with reckons...
 
Community is like a hole. We put everything in and we make holes. You did that with the new renovations. A lot of holes. The question is, what is going to hold it together…
Souls hold it together. A decent contractor holds things together. Not the senior citizens of our shul... No. You do programs for them. You don't ask them to do renovations. If they can't paint... Paint night was messed up. Our members missed the canvas. We're not looking to paint the floor... Our shul doesn't need splatter. It's not a Warhol.
 
The individuals are holes. When we come together and do something positive… I said to do something positive. Not like Menachem’s violin playing. Not like the community theater production of Little Mermaid… It was Tzanuah. Very modest. We all appreciated that. Fran was a great mermaid. It was an excellent call by the director…
What holds the holes together? That’s coming together… I am staying away from renovations and building supplies, because there is too much contention right now. Renovations makes holes… Our shul board holds nothing together. We know we can’t depend on them.
What are going to be our rods?... $6.50 for grape juice can do it.
 
We need to bring the holes in the kitchen together… Throw out all the vessels… No idea what red means anymore… It’s like blue scarlet. The vessels make no sense… You didn’t reckon. You wrecked it. The blue marks are holes in the Fleishiks (the meat)...
The way to fix it is by saying 'Shalom.' Greeting people bonds us together. Shalom is the stick... It's a figurative rod. Shalom doesn't mean rod... Somebody has to reckon Hebrew lessons in this shul.
 
The beautiful community focus on Tehillim. We all come together. I love it. Everywhere they come together for huge Tehillim prayer gatherings. Except our shul… You don’t even care.
There’s a war… Somewhere, there is a war.
 
Let’s focus on clothes. On looking decent. If people looked good, maybe we would come together… At least you would want to be seen in the shul. If you washed that shirt... It was white. Iron the thing... (Shemot 39:1) The turquoise and purple and scarlet wool made the clothes to serve in the Sanctuary, and Aharon’s clothes… It’s kind of hard to feel together and… You dress decently for shul. For service in our sanctuary. You build right. Get the right people on the project. Not Sam… You dress right. It’s hard to have Kavana when your Chazin is all disheveled… It’s not white. That gown is off white. It’s stained… How about less white... Nobody here can keep anything white.
The sockets were clean. Not full dust, like the ledges... They are holes in our shul that need to be held together. With love...
 
We must start reckoning better. I reckon we come together more often. We join as one. We take all the holes and bring them together as one. But with reckoning. Together, properly, using strengths, not the board's ideas... The board comes up with ideas and it just makes holes. Unclean holes... Because you can't even get somebody to clean the shul. Reckon that...
 
(Shemot 38:21) ‘… That was reckoned by Moshe’s word. The work of the Levites…’
The didn’t mess up because they listened to Moshe. They’re leader… You have not listened to me. There is still no program for the elderly… Minyin doesn’t count. They don’t show up… Reckon right.
 
Does everything have to be youth? Does nobody care about the older people… Not talking about using them for labor... Adult labor is almost as bad as child labor... The old people are annoying, but we should still care about them. We do teenage programming. Are the teens not annoying? Are Chanan and the singles not annoying… Then we should do a Dor LDor. A generation to generation program... This way the kids will know about the holes in the community and Sadie, the only one who holds them together with her choolante, and why they don't want to come to shul.
The kids will know how things used to be reckoned. They will learn what goes into community… Hymie and Bernie cannot attend. Only Fran and Sadie… Saul can go too… We don’t want to kill their hopes of a future, Bernie. You will bring them down.
They will have a sad Purim.
 
Will we get a bookkeeper for the shul? Somebody to ensure we don't go into debt with our next Purim party... There is no reckoning in this shul... It's all wrecked... We're broke. I don't know how to stick a stave in the hole of our bank account...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
 
I think everybody knows what reckoning means now. It was a good focus for the Sermon.
We need accountability. If we're accountable, we can do things right. We can look good. Individuals can look good. As the rabbi said, 'If we just got rid of the board.' It's like that New York broken glass thing, where they cleaned up the graffiti and there was less crime. Crime in our shul would drop if it was cleaner. If we were organized, there would be less Chumashim (The Five Books) being taken out. And they never bring them back, so it's stealing. Stealing is a crime. All because there is no reckoning.
A shul needs reckoning. If we reckoned. If we had a decent board, and the office did their work, we would have talented people doing the work we reckoned too. When a community is reckoned, it is proper. And we need decorum in shul that makes sense. Right now, the decorum is to wear what you want and pin your artwork wherever you want in the  shul. No reckoning.

We're all holes. We need strong sockets and staves to hold us together. To make us a reckoned community. 
Why the rabbi had to tell people to start being friendly, and saying 'hi' again, is beyond me. He has killed Kiddishes for me.

A lot of reckonings this week. Turns out there is a lot of stuff the shul doesn’t need. Nothing has been reckoned recently. 
It turns out the shul has not done any reckoning for many years. We’re in debt and we didn’t know it. Ignorance is not always bliss. Not when heating goes out in the middle of Musaf. We finally figured out why the heat has been off, and the plow stopped coming. Bills. We’ve got to reckon bills.
We reckoned the Mazel Tovs. There are a lot of kids that nobody cared about at their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.
 
The rabbi has decided to leave all Mazel Tovs out of his speech recently. As he said, 'There is no Mazel in this shul. There aren't enough staves.' People tried helping by bringing their broom sticks, but the rabbi refused Mazels.
Mazel Tovs have been relegated to announcements. Even Bar Mitzvahs are just mentioned in announcements. The family has to find their own way of expressing joy with the relatives that are sitting with them, from overseas, in the front row.
Last week the president's announcement was, 'Look in the bulletin. Naftali celebrated his Bar Mitzvah today. If you didn't notice.' And then, when they hear there's a Kiddish, you can see the people in the shul smile, and they shout 'Mazel Tov.' Then, they get to Kiddish and stop smiling. It's easier to not say 'Shabbat Shalom' when you don't smile, too.
The new rule is that the rabbi will only mention the Simcha, celebration, in his sermon, if there is a large Kiddish. You need kugels, choolante, cakes, drinks, soft and alcohol, salads, tune salad and egg salad, coleslaw. The list goes on. Multiple kugels was mentioned as a necessity by the rabbi. Included must be lokshen kugel, potato kugel, apple kugel. Rabbi specifically mentioned coleslaw. He said it's a good topping for everything Jewish. The Gen Zers were offended by the word 'Jewish.'

The rabbi did a great job of educating about the Copper Altar being made of copper. It was very educational.
 
People felt the speech was impassioned. It hit everybody in the heart. Now the congregants feel like they have holes in their hearts. A bunch of holes in the shul.
The people have no idea how to put together the holes, but they feel like they have holes. A lot of holes. As Pinchas said, ‘We are each a hole.’
The hope of coming together for anything more than Tehillim, for the holes, is for not. It was a very touching sermon with hope that depressed everybody.

Some felt the hole was not knowing their ancestors. Trips of members were planned all over the world to find their families, but they didn’t know who their families were. So it was just destination trips to where there families might have come from.
It turns out, after they let us know what they saw on their ancestor trips, everybody looks American.
 
Talk got around the Feinblum’s dairy red. Can't eat in their house anymore.
The shul's kitchen also wasn't reckoned. They used a blue for meat. Mrs. Feinblum got into the kitchen, and caused that problem.
Everybody now knows, red is for meat. It’s simple. Those are the Kosher laws. Red is for meat. Blue is for dairy. That's the law. Everything else in Kosher falls into that. The rabbi is looking for the source in the Torah where it says blue is dairy, and green is Pareve. He said he will find it.
 
Nobody ate in the shul for a few weeks, other than the ones who only keep Kosher in the home. We started using paper plates, till we got somebody to rub the paint off the dishes. Then everybody started eating again, and we still used paper plates. It's much easier for the sisterhood, and we are sure the environment appreciates that.
 
The rabbi's lesson of filling the holes in the shul didn't hit most of the congregants right. I think most of them fell asleep during the sermon. The concept of spackling didn't even dawn on the board, as a way to fix holes. Much of the board was focused on the destruction of Jerusalem, as their argument for the poor renovations.
Donations were stopped as people kept on giving books and not money. We got copper, which nobody knew how to use. Even the Machatzit HaShekel, half shekels given around the time of Purim, came in the form of people dropping stuff off at the shul, they don't need. 
One person dropped off a book with a swastika. Said it was a Jewish book about how bad the Nazis were. It was still offensive. For some reason, it was still offensive. They said they wanted to get rid of the hole in their house.
 
Right after Shabbis, everybody went to Tinoli’s Supermarket. They ran out of Kedem grape juice. Worst deal. Just a waste of money on gas. A day later, Costco had three liter bottles for $4.50. Everybody was mad at Mike for all the excitement he caused. That same day, Tinoli's was restocked with grape juice. Our whole shul returned their bottles. It was like a shul event. It was either a shul event or a Tinoli's protest, for their sales prices. It was definitely the most attended shul event of the year. The board put it in the books as a success.
 
It was clear from the response of the membership that they didn’t want to do anything for the older people. The board decided that the programming for anybody above sixty should be dues and donations.
Leah brought up a class on how to write a proper will as a program. Everybody thought that was a great idea. The focus was where the shul belongs on the page.
The Dor LDor, generation to generation, program didn’t work out. The seniors said something about not being on phones the whole time. That caused a ruckus. I have never heard Sadie curse, but she said something about 'these Gen Z and millennial ---edy ---- ---- selfish ----s.'

​Nothing was mentioned about the war. The rabbi figured that there is enough destruction in the Ukraine now. If anybody from our shul got involved, they would just cause more damage. He used the shul's renovations to express his point. 
We are praying that this Purim, Frank's drunkenness doesn't destroy more of the shul.

Americays worry about everysing. All time. Worry.

Worry About War
We've been in war so many year. Every tree year, we have war in Israel. Zey bomb. Boom. Ve know. Amerikay worry. Ehhh. Israel, we go ehhh drink. Eat falafel. Leeve life. You worry. Amerkay say and cry, 'I no travel to New York. Danger.' It's all the way Israel. You worry about other world side, ehhh. In Israel we feel bad for Amerikay. We got bombed. We worry, ehhh, they cry in America.
We feel bad, but we always bombed. When last war America? America go war, no soldier in America. All soldier far away.
You worry war now. It Europa. Russia live in Israel. Ve see dis. All goodie. Ukrainies and Russia same. 
No idea where Europe on map. Ehhh. You sink Ukraine one of fifty state. You cry, 'Oh no. Zey attack us.' You need look map. Ehhh. Map show you where you leeve. You leeve US. They leeve Ukraine. Ukraine no US.
You cry, sink zey move to US? Ehhh. Emmm. Ehhh.

Money
How ehhh muchie you need? You cry like baby, wah wah, 'Ehhh. I only two-hundred sousand dollar last year?' You worry. Saving of 5 million dollar. Ehhh. You need buy more house?! We make sirty sosand shekel. We rent. We happy.
How muchie you need? You need for after you die? (crying) 'Why? I no money to send great-grandchild to university.' (Crying with scream) 'My life too good. Why? Why? Why?'
You need two million shekel a year. Ehhh. For what? You visit Israel?

College
War. Now you worry college. (Amerikay cry gain) 'Need degree. Where I get 70 sousand dollar a year?!' There war. Now you worry university. 
Everysing worry. Ehhh. College. (Crying more) 'Oh no. Where I vacation spring break. Life so hard.' College fun. You learn. You stupeed. 70 sousand dollar stupeeed. You no make dis. I work Yanky's falafel, we make twenty thousand shekel. Ehhh.
You spend dees seventy sounand on college. you never Aliyah. You come Israel, everybody sink you stupeed. College Israel, seven sousand shekel.
Sevety sousand dollar for good jobe. Good jobe? Ehhh. Why? Why? Why? You work dis Walmart? 
Israel, you move? You no job. You sound no right. You sound Amerikay. Go to college and sound stupeed. Amerikay accent. No jobe. College and university 500 sousand dollar. No even say 'Ehhh Shalom' normaly. You need course college, ehhh no sound Ameirkay.
No college. No spendie all your money.

Health
​You no eat falafel. Eat falafel. Zeees ehhh healsie.
Amerikay eat helsy, dees eight falafel sandweech. Lunch. Amerikay eat helsy, ehhh, dees eatie eight healsie time. One meal. Eight meal. We eat one meal at one meal. Amerikay eat eight meal. (Cry) 'Why I so fat?' We give one falafel, you say, 'More.' You no eat meal. You eat day. All day. You no sit meal. Ehhh. You sit for day. Zen, you worry you eat too much. You do.
I see Amerikay eat. You eat dis. No ve-ge-ta-ble. Ehhh. (Crying Again) 'I want healsy. I no eat more.' You eat Amerikay or you starvie. You no can seet one falafel.

All Worry
Worry about hels. Worry about college. Worry war. Worry Money. Ehhh. Worry money, zen worry not shopping enough. (Crying more) 'We no shop. Need more clothes.' How much clothes you need? Ehhh. Your closet need more clothes? I see you new clothe everyday. Need shop. Need work. Ehhh, worry work. We have no jobe, Israel. Just Yanky's. I no work. I happy.
Worry politica. Ehhh. Zen worry more politica. (Cry) 'Why government no give money? Why government tax? Ehhh? Why gas?' You worry gas. You worry. You need bad. Ehhh. Bad. No worry. You say, 'Zis bad. OK. Life no good. I happy it bad.'
Leeve in Israel. No worry. We know we have no money. Ehhh. School government pay for. Zey take our tax. We know. We no worry. We no eat. We helsy.
Stop worry. You worry, you going to worry. All you do, worry. Zis activity for you. Ehhh. Worry time. (Crying again) 'What I do today? I worry. Zis what I do. I worry and shop. And worry I no shop ehhhh enough. And worry I spent too much. Zen I worry war... No idea where war is. But I worry leave home. I zen worry about college. Ehhh, my grandkids go college. Need to worry for zem. I no worry, who will worry for the next generation?... It's ehhhh zeh worry zath I worry zat is zeh hardest. I need helsy too. I need be helsy to worry. Ehhh. Zen I need money visit Israel where zey no worry. I shop zer too. I no have money to shop zer too. Zey have no Amerikay money. I worry for zem. War in Ukraine. What zey do in Israel? I worry.'
Zen, ehhh, you worry travel Israel, because you hear war in Ukraine. Worry it same country. We know it no same country. Ukrainiaim live in Israel.
Leevee Isrealie. Nosing have. Ehhhh. No worry. When bomb, you no worry. You know zer bomb. Zen you move to Israelie, you worry you good Oleh.

And zen zey worry. (Huge cry) 'I have kids. Oh no. Too much Nachis. Ehhh. Why me? Zis so nice.' Even good. You worry. Ehhh.
What we do for Ukraine? We worry. Ehhh. We stand in worry wis zem.

Kibbitzer Disclaimer: Please do not blame us for the grammar. Shmulik dictated this article. He demanded that he speaks the language correctly. He was literally crying every time he quoted an American.
To note, for your understanding. we wrote the headings in English.
We do not know if Shmulik really thinks that Russia is in Israel. He might be trying to say 'Russians live in Israel.'
He did use 'Ehhh' for a whole sentence. 
We do commend Shmulik's ability to mock people with anxiety. He mocked all of America for having anxiety. We have never met anybody else who could do this.

The Russia-Ukraine War is underway and many of us are praying and hoping for the safety of the people. Nothing is worse than life lost. Especially, innocent life. I pray we don't bear witness to any more of that in this world, which is why we focus on peace.
Here are reasons we need peace.

We Love Saying Shalom
Shalom, means completeness, wholeness, peace. It's how we say 'Hi.' We love greeting people. You know how awkward it is to say 'Shalom' to somebody you're warring with? It's almost impossible. 
You can't say 'Shalom' and then shoot the guy.

Rebbes
Ukraine is where the great Chassidik Rebbes are. I don't know if the Russian government knows this. The Ukrainian government makes enough money off this. They know it.

Uman for Rosh Hashana
This is going to kill my Rosh Hashana plans. Rav Nachman of Breslov is buried in Uman, and many thousands of Jews go every year for Rosh Hashana. Us Jews have enough to pray for, focusing on our sins and repentance. We don't need to be by Rav Nachman's grave, praying that we also don't get hit by rockets. If we wanted to pray for protection from rockets, we would spend Rosh Hashana in Sderot.
Aeroflot has better not start charging more. I understand bad stuff happens in war, but raising the cost of flights is uncalled for, to say the least. Rise in baggage fees is collateral damage that we must fight.

It's Going to Turn into A Megilah
It's going to turn into another Megilah. Trust me. The media is already telling stories about Russia and how Trump is the cause of the war and Haman for saying America is great. How Trump has something to do with the war, not being the president of America or anything in Europe, is something the Megilah will have to explain to me.

More Tehillim
I'm swamped with Tehillim for people. Got lists of people. Got the sick people, the army, the kids, a friend with emotional hardship. The list of names, without prayer, takes me fifteen minutes. Now, I've got to focus on another war. I'm worried my Tehillim are being spread too thin.
I think I overuse Tehillim. I'm saying Tehillim for everything now, as my go to for all prayers. I lost my digital watch, I started saying Tehillim. I was hoping to find it, and then I started praying that it is safe and doing OK. There should be a Tehillim hierarchy. Prayers for health and life should come first. At the bottom are the Tehillim for your team to win.

McDonald's
What is McDonald's going to do? This is what worries me. Can Russia still franchise McDonald's if we go back to Cold War relationships. No American should have to experience the world without fast food. They should never know of such things.

Refugees
Let the rest of Europe and the US hear about refugees and then this can turn into a global war. They hear ‘refugees’ and they start saying, 'Oh shoot. Now we have to take in these people too? Jobs…' Jobs comes up and it’s attack time. Not even in the war, they’ll start shooting their own missiles to keep the refugees out. It can be refugees from Chile, it makes no difference. They hear refugees and that’s when the real violence starts.

More Russian Speakers in Israel
If this war continues, more Russians Ukrainians will be moving to Israel. Kibbutz Galuyot, ingathering of the exiles, is a beautiful positive thing. Even so, once they're in Israel, peace is a good thing. I’m just worried about Avigdor Lieberman getting more votes.
 
Ukrainians Have Never Gotten Credit for Being Ukrainians
A lot of Russian Jews moved to Israel. It's about time we started calling them Ukrainian Jews. I've never met a Ukrainian Jew that we've called Ukrainian. We always call them Russian. If anybody could just find somebody who speaks Ukrainian, that would help. 

War Kills the Neighborhood
You thought it was drugs. The housing market takes a real hit with war. As cool as it is, rockets, missiles and soldiers shooting at your house, brings down property value.
It's hard to sell in a war zone. The earthquake excuse doesn't help when the earthquake is followed by bullets flying through the den.

They Are the Same People
The languages are fairly the same. I can't tell the difference between Russian and Ukrainian. Does anybody speak Ukrainian? I still don’t know.

Matryoshkas
Everybody likes matryoshkas dolls. Those lovable dolls that look like past presidents or babushkas, if grandmothers were made out of wood. That's a great doll and activity. Idea: Try opening one of those dolls. That will get their mind off war and extremely frustrated, trying to figure out why those things never finish opening. Maybe have them work on it together. They can all laugh while yelling, 'Will this thing ever stop opening?!'
The problem is that these people in Eastern Europe have too much free time. If they spent their time on matryoshkas, they wouldn't have time for war.

​There is Commonality
​They all hate Jews.

People Are Sharing Opinions About the War
I have heard enough uneducated opinions over the past year. It is extremely bothersome. Now I have to see these new posts from my American friends on social media. I think these people believe Ukraine is a strand of COVID. One guy at the grocery insisted I stay away from him and said, 'I don't want to catch Ukraine.'

People in Ukraine are Protesting
The country is turning into a democracy. That will just cause more people to share their opinions on Instagram and TikTok. It's a nightmare.

Soon Ukraine Will Be Part of the EU
Western Europe is supporting the Ukraine. Now, Ukraine is thinking about joining the EU. We don't need more European countries bonding. We know how that story ends.
Anything Europe scares me as a Jew.

Israel is Going to Get Blamed
They will find a way. Give it time.

I Don't Want to Hear 'Peace in The North East'
It's going to happen. It almost rhymes, so they’re going to start chanting it. Don’t call me a prophet. Call me somebody who gets annoyed very easily. It was enough hearing Vanilla Ice saying, 'Peace in the Middle East.'

Shalom Is The Reason for Torah
To quote Wikipedia's quote of Proverbs (3:17), 'Her ways are pleasant ways and all her paths are shalom (peace).' The Talmud (Gemara Gittin 59b) explains, 'The entire Torah is for the sake of the ways of shalom' (ibid. Wikipedia- this is a scholarly work, and we believe in scholarship at the Kibbitzer). If somebody would just tell Putin. If Putin knew this Torah, he wouldn't attack Ukraine, he would ask for it, kindly. Did Putin ask in a way of Shalom? Did he say, 'Shalom Volodymyr, would you kindly give me Ukraine'? This is what we must ask, as Jews. I've played Risk. You ask nicely for the land, and the dice work for you. Did he even ask Volodymyr why he spells his name like that?
Somebody must educate Putin and the people of Eastern Europe about Torah. We're trying to do Kiruv in the former Soviet Union. Many organizations are out there in the Ukraine and Russia, bringing Jews closer to the love of Torah and Mitzvot. You can't do good Kiruv with war, unless if you have a dynamic leader like Avraham Avinu. We don't want the Russian government getting in the way of our Outreach. And between us, we don’t need the Army of H’ getting involved in this. You don’t mess with Chabad.

Zelenskyy is Jewish. If Putin was Jewish all would be good. It would be two Jews arguing. They wouldn't get along. Their mothers would get involved. And each of their countries would be the country they don't go to. But there wouldn't be war.
They should stop the war, because Shalom is a Mitzvah. If we can just let Putin know that it’s a Mitzvah. Right now, I’m deeply worried for McDonald’s. 
I hope my words bring peace.