We started the Friday night dinner program. Dinner on Friday night. That's the program. Dinner. It’s like a soup kitchen for people with money.
It took the programming committee a while to come up with a successful program. They finally realized that food is why people go to services. Food is why people go to shul. They came to the concert last week for the same reason; food. Without food, nobody would've showed up to the concert. That's the difference between rock music and Jewish music. People go to Jewish shows for food. Even nonJews show up for food. Why do homeless people show up to soup kitchens? There’s food there. If there is food, people show up. Look at the grocery store. Draws everybody. The kosher section doesn’t draw too many people. It’s too expensive there. If the kosher section was free, it would be packed with people all the time. Now, the members are coming back. We have re-poached, and we are now retaining with food. The walkway in front of the shul wasn’t shoveled before Shabbis. It was almost impossible to get in the shul. Eight men were dog digging to make room in front of the shul's entrance. They finally opened the door two hours into Shabbis. They skipped Mincha, as it was too cold outside to stand still and do the silent pray, Amidah. It’s hard for toddlers to come shul in the snow as well. Pushing the carriage in the snow is almost impossible. I am trying to figure out why we are focusing on the toddler community so much. I believe the rabbi likes them, because they are the only ones that don't complain about him. The shul membership has got to stop blaming the rabbi for everything. They blamed him for the walkway, for the lack of toddlers, and for not plowing the other day. His station wagon isn’t fit for plowing. I say that he is at least representing Frum Jews correctly. The only car more Frum than a minivan is a station wagon. Everybody is doing the front arm cross now, holding their hands over the belly. Shmulik had a great affect on the other members. The people are talking about how the front arm cross is very formal. It works well everywhere. Ot wprls fpr bouncers. Teachers are using it to scare the kids. It works when standing at Kiddish, amazingly, as we know. It also works well at funerals, along with a serious face of solemnity. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Herd (Shemot 21:1) ‘And these are the decrees…’ These are the ones. This is it... The ones from Gd, Bernie. It's not like Rivka came up with a new decree for how we have to setup the shul's Bingo program. It's not like the Pizza Parsha events now have decrees for what you have to wear… I know I came out strong today, but that’s OK. You should listen to the decrees… Herd and Flock are the same thing. When I sermon, I am herding you. Like a shepherd… You need herding. I see you guys wandering around… How many of you make it to Minyin on time? I have to herd you. Then I have to herd you to pay your dues. A lot of herding. I hope you're hearing the decrees right now… Daven and do stuff. Stop being slaves to your desires... Your desires are messed up... I know them. To be the best at SheshBesh... Backgammon. Whatever it is. It's all pride. This week's Torah portion starts off with the servant or slave, depending on which one is politically correct for this congregation to not fire your rabbi... I am personally offended by servants. I like to call them staff… OK. We’ll call them slaves. Does that make everybody happy?... Excellent... Slaves have laws too. (Shemot 21:2-3) If he came in single, he leaves single… It’s a Jewish slave, Bernie. Read the Parsha before the sermons. For crying out… It’s the first Psukim of the Parsha… Your marriage is enslaving. That's a good point. I understand this is confusing now. A single person can be enslaved too... A Jewish slave that is bought. After seven years he ‘goes free, no charge’… The master took his money. He wouldn’t be able to pay anyways… You guys can pay your dues. Not giving Tzedakah to the soup kitchen and supporting your shul, is you not living up to your obligation… I’m a slave to this… This stupidity. No more questions. He goes with his wife that he came with. He doesn’t leave with another wife. He leaves with his wife… It's not like you can just flip wives and gazunta heit, the grandkids have a new Bubby. Read the Parsha, Bernie… I don’t know how they chose them. Felvel wouldn’t have made a good slave. He saunters. He gives no energy… The master may not let him leave with less than he came. He may not diminish this man from what he was. As you have done to your rabbi, with all your complaints. You don’t make your slave less. You don’t make the people that serve you less than what they were. I serve this congregation… I’m a slave to this shul. My last job, I had congregants that listened. They made amazing Kiddishes. They paid their dues. They volunteered… Yes. They gave to the poor and even volunteered at the soup kitchen. They gave me a raise... You can still enslave and give a raise. Is a raise too much to ask for... We see that he leaves with what he came with. It's like pointless years of his life. Kind of like the meeting I had with the board this week… The shul board which has accomplished nothing the last seven years. Seven years of my life, gone… Stuff costs money here. My savings are down the tube now. I have sat through seven years of board meetings. The slave gains nothing. Over that course in time, he gains nothing. Kind of like each and every one of you living in this town who are paying 35% taxes, who are then paying town taxes, supporting your family, with children who don't appreciate it, paying for public school education while sending your kids to private school, while not being able to afford a vacation to Disney World, after 40 years of still not paying off your house, and then you die… I am not saying you're slaves. The question is 'have you listened?' Do I need to pierce everybody's ear here?... Piercings look good. Nothing is gained... Exactly, like my relationship with Bernie. (Shemot 21:4) If the master gives him a wife, he leaves alone, he leaves single… His wife stays… His wife is the master’s. But it’s his. Kind of like when you take away every good idea we ever had at this shul, Sima… The soup kitchen Kiddish was a great idea. You killed it… You gave no money. Poor people need Kiddish too… How are they supposed to know to come if we don’t call it a 'soup kitchen' Kiddish?... It’s your food. But you let them eat it… Exactly. That's what community is about, giving away food. Shiva, Brisis, Kiddish, Shalishudis, breakfast which nobody donates to. Bar Mitzvahs... They expect you to host their guests. That is money. you've got to put out for breakfast and coffee... The host gets the leftovers. You don’t walk out with the leftovers, Binyamin. They belong to the Ba’alei Bayit. The people who invited you, it’s theirs. If you don’t eat during the meal… You don’t take it. They take that back. They can eat it the next day too... You don’t stand there and put down the slaves with insults. The job of the master isn’t to rag on the guy all day... Eating what's somebody elses is a thing of freedom and wrong... If he doesn’t want to go free in the seventh year (Shemot 21:5-6)… Yes. You take his ear to the doorpost. Of course you do that. You let him hear that he should go free. The ears that heard the giving of the Torah. You be a slave to Gd. Not to a random guy who bought you on sale and got you a decent wife… In the door. The door that represents freedom… The Pascal lamb, Pinny. And the ear that heard the Mitzvot from Gd and that we are His chosen people… You want to be a slave to a random guy… It’s in the Artscroll. For crying out loud. Read the English, Bernie… We are servants in this world. We end up in a place of 'dirt, worms and maggots,' to quote Akavia the Son of Mihalel. We come into this world and we go out the same... Just in case you were feeling decent about being free. I don't want you to think it's worse to be a slave... You'll die. Yes. Worms and maggots will eat you... Exactly. The point is to be a slave to Gd. You're not going to take the physical being of your family to heaven... You complain when you've got to splurge on a family dinner, Lenny... He can leave with his connection to Gd. That's what he's leaving with. The only thing you can take with you is spirituality… Yes. It’s a lesson. For crying out… The spiritual connection to your family... The greatest gifts of this physical world, you can't take. other than Mitzvot... Mitzvot are a gift. Yes. They are... Because you don't do them. Maybe if you kept Shabbat... You don't get it, we nail your ear to the door... I am going to pierce everybody in this congregation, right now. Piercings... Poor people have connection to Gd... I think they do. They definitely don't have the greatest clothes.... Look at the Minkowitz family... Now that we speak of the spiritual. We must understand how to act in our physical world... Yes. Mitzvot. For crying out loud, I give the same message every week... You don't get it... Soup Kiddishes is what we need. If you give Kiddish, you can take the rugulach to Shamaim... That's heaven, Bernie. What do we make of our lives???? What do we keep???? The children? The next generation? The people we care about? The actions we do? The last kichel that Dr. Fergowitz took from Dr. Pockstein? What we take is where we are the master. Our actions. That is where we are the master... I know that is profound. Finally, somebody listens. And they have a piercing... We are slaves in our actions we must do, and Dr. Fergowitz cannot keep on evading taxes... These are Mishpatim... Rules of how to act. To make sure our actions don't ruin the day with killing people... Killing the Kiddish for poor people isn't good either... If you knock out somebody’s teeth, you at least give them soup... When you're free, you give of what is yours. You use your actions for good... But you don’t have a plaque Bernie. There are rules. If you don’t have a plaque, the donation means nothing… We know who the cheap people are… Shmulik, please sit down. I don’t think I need you guarding the Bima for my Dvar Torah. The sermon is fine with you in the seat… If you don’t know sign language… I don’t think I’m going to get shot. Most of the people in the back left are sleeping already… Stop blaming me for people not coming. We have to clear the snow in front of the shul… People are slaves to the snow. They can't be good Jews in snow. That’s why Mishpatim are clear. It’s stuff you should do. Like clearing the walkway… No. It’s an easy decision. You’re the shul president… And the snow hurts people. After we speak of Jewish slaves and how they should go free. And after we speak of a dad who sells his daughter into slavery, where she is hurt by not being wanted (Shemot 21:8)… That's what they did when they couldn't provide. Slave sales of daughters gave hope... You wanted your daughter to have the best opportunity at a decent breakfast. You're buying store brand cereal... It hurts to be rejected by your dad and your new husband. Nobody providing anything for your. Kind of like a shul board who does nothing for you... Difference is the daughter goes free... Rejection hurts. Look at Chanan... You reject, you're taking away from somebody. (21:10-11) You have to provide food, clothing and marital relations… With her, Bernie. Your wife… You have to provide for your family, Mark. If you don’t provide, ‘she goes free without payment’... If you can't treat the kids to pizza, that is grounds for divorce... Then downsize if you have to. We talk about striking other people and damages after this, because you hurt her. You didn’t want her... They still have the custodian who complains about having to clean... They don't want her. The board complains about her. They do nothing... They have committees... Committees don't do anything. They talk. They do nothing... They take time. What are the laws (Shemot 21:12-19)? Treat people well. Don't take from them. Be free, so you can give... Yes. That's the message of the sermon... Yes. I say that every sermon, but you don't get it. You need me to spell it out... Then why did the soup Kiddish fail?! There are other laws too, that you have to hear... Don’t hit your parents… We can curse your dad. You can’t… No. You can’t hit anybody. Hitting your parents is worse… They have to learn to share at Kinder Shabbat Groups. They're Lincoln Logs. You share them... If a random person lives. You get in a fight and hit him, but he lives. You just have to pay for his lost time and healing… I wouldn’t say it’s worth it, because you don't have to get killed yourself… The shul president should pay for anybody who injures themselves in front of the shul… Then clear it. Make a path. Hymie is 89 years old. How is he supposed to walk on snow?... If it’s not intentional and ‘and Gd caused it,’ he runs to a city of refuge… Striking somebody with a rock and them dying is not Gd causing it… You can’t blame Gd for everything Sarah. Your choolante last week was horrendous… Not Gd’s fault. This whole, ‘Gd makes the choolante.’ Stop blaming Gd… You not giving Tzedakah is not Gd’s intervention... No. Kidnapping is not allowed. Even according to the Torah... You can't blame Gd for people dying when you hit them. The 'Gd did it' has to stop in this congregation. Mark took all the meat out of the choolante. It’s about caring. It’s about caring for the slave. It’s about caring for other people. It’s about not killing them... Then we speak about hitting a slave (21:20)… No. You shouldn’t hit your slave… You say, 'Please clean up the field and make sheaves'... Yes. They will do it. If you ask nicely... Just like you have to pay for your wife. You have to pay damages... Not for nailing the slave's ear to the door. You're supposed to do that. That's damage with consent of Gd... For crying out loud. If you knock out somebody’s teeth, you at least give them soup... Most of the poor people don't have teeth. Pay for their dental work... Does the slave want to stay because the master is feeding him, and it's free? That is the real question of this week's Torah portion... When you're free, you do stuff. You do stuff and you don't hurt people when you're free. You go to Disney World and you don't cut lines... The real question is, can you afford to go to Disney World? If you can't, are you really free... Do you even have a woman to go with?... Chanan is free and he doesn't even have a wife. I told Chanan to hang out at the grocery to meet a Jewish girl… You won’t meet a good Jewish girl in the organic section. No good Jewish girl will pay those prices... Don't enslave and thank Gd for your freedom... Damages enslave. And now we have a leak in the roof... The board doesn't fix anything. Damages. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The rabbi turned sermon into a verb. I respect that. His literary prowess is amazing. A master can’t take away what was this person’s, even when he is a slave. An amazing thought shared by the rabbi. I am working on coming up with a lesson from it. The way to use vacations was pertenanant, as many of the congregants were away for the winter ski vacations. Maybe they'll get the sermon sent to them. It's a shame we can't use a stenographer on Shabbat. The rabbi was quite contemporary with asking the congregants if he should use the word ‘servant.’ Very neuvo of him to give us a choice. He even brought up the possibility of ‘helot’ or ‘rabbi of this shul with poor wages.’ I’m also, happy we went over the practicalities of how to treat a slave. I don’t support slavery coming back, but if it does, we know. There are messages within slavery. I like to think of my boss as a slave master. We learned a lot about treating people right. From now on, if somebody comes to our shul with a wife, we’ll let him leave with her. You also have to marry the Jewish slave woman. That’s beautiful. She shouldn’t be a slave and single. The rabbi took all the singles aside later and told them it’s worse to be single than a slave. At least a slave woman has somebody. And then there was the lesson of what we’re slaves to. All I know is that I don’t want to get my ears pierced. Never had them done. The rabbi wasn't sure if it is Halachikly correct to get your ears pierced, though he was fine with it for the congregants, because they don't listen. Very modern. The rabbi had a group ear piercing. Most rabbis would be against that. The rabbi now thinks they'll pay their dues. The rabbi’s message was don’t be a slave or a congregant in our shul. We are all slaves to the new town mowing tax. 35% is crazy. Everybody was fine with the tall blades of grass. I showed up at the board meeting. Listening to them complain is a form of slavery. Kiddish soup kitchen was a bust. Nobody volunteered. The consensus among the congregants was that ‘if we’re not feeding ourselves, there is no reason to be cooking anything.’ And it was agreed that 90 percent of our congregation doesn’t like soup. And they weren’t going to start a gazpacho kitchen. The shul treasurer said that poor people don't eat gazpacho, 'it's a known thing.' Truth is that I have been giving free food away for many years here. The rabbi is correct. Community is about free food. That hosting for Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, and any Simcha, is a scam. I end up going broke on pastries. Guests always eat a lot of pastries. Nobody eats pastries at home. When they're a guest, they eat pastries and drink orange juice. Always expensive pastries like napoleons. Everybody is trying to lose weight until they're guests. Free food doesn't have calories. Free food on Shabbat, with that extra Neshama soul for Shabbat, you're losing weight. That's what I hear. I haven't seen it on our congregants yet. We had a big issue in the shul where people were taking doggie bags from Shabbis meals. Word got back to the rabbi that people don't know how to be guests. Their good at inviting guests, as the rabbi stresses the Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim. Invites went down. We need somebody to shovel. That’s what they decided at the board meeting. They needed a board to make that decision. We couldn't trust any one person to think it was a good idea to remove the snow from right in front of the shul's entrance. We needed a vote. The board could only meet the following Monday. That was two weeks of people not being able to get into the shul. The real committed crawled on the snow and snuck through the window. Once they met and discussed it, they decided that they had to clear the pathway by removing the snow. That decision, with the board, took two and a half weeks. Then they put together a committee to get rid of the snow. That took another three weeks and meetings. They got rid of the snow in March. After Kiddish, people had to stay at shul, as they couldn’t get out. It was snowing during the services. We all felt like slaves to the president not shoveling. The rabbi is our shepherd. There is much herding done in our congregation. At Kiddish, many congregants graze. I appreciate being part of a herd. I don't feel like I am flock. 'Soup Kiddishes is what we need. If you give Kiddish, you can take the rugulach to Shamaim...' That was profound. That said it all. Rabbi is right. If you don’t have a plaque, the donation means nothing. You won’t be remembered. Nobody will care about you. The sermon turned into a dialogue about what’s considered damage. I have a feeling that Chaim was thinking about how he can destroy stuff legally. He had a lot of questions. After Kiddish, the rabbi pulled the singles aside and gave them their own speech regarding keeping the laws. He let them know that he felt for them, as it is hard to meet somebody nowadays, and it looks pathetic to be alone. As he said, ‘I am against slavery, and sale of young women. However, it would be easier for many of you if dads were selling their daughters. We understand that in the times of the Torah they did this if they were poor… No, Isaac, we don’t support it nowadays, even if it's a financially sound interaction. Though, it would make Shidduchim easier. And that is why I feel for you.’ The rabbi then told the singles how the Torah teaches us to date. ‘We need ordinances for dating. There should be clear signs. If a man doesn’t want the slave daughter, he must let her go free. You shouldn't marry somebody you don't like.’ Beautiful lesson from our rabbi. The divorcees really took that message to heart. A lot of ex-couple fighting followed. It was very freeing to hear the women telling their ex-husbands 'I hate you. Pay for the kids' doctors bills, you good for nothing.' That segued to the rabbi's next lesson for the singles. He also said, ‘A man needs to provide food, clothing and marital relations.’ At this point he had a diatribe about how it’s hard to know if you are allowed to touch, and you shouldn't risk getting locked up, even if you are married. For this reason, he said that marital relations means cooking together and cousins. He also said to ask before doing anything, like visiting relatives. He then concluded from this, ‘These are your dating signs. If you don’t like somebody, don’t pay. Let them go and pay for themselves. And you young ladies should know to never date a man who says “we should go Dutch.” If he doesn’t pay for you, he’s not your husband.’ The girls were shocked, as they didn’t think a first date made a husband, but the rabbi was right. The rabbi knows that we need clarity in the Jewish community. Dating is too hard on these kids nowadays. They have no rules. They’re just offended by everything. Half of the crowd walked out saying 'I can pay for my own meal,' and they didn't meet any men that day. Those women are still single. They have no time to date, as they had to find work to pay for food. Free food is what is important. That's what people come for. Bingo is important, and the shul can now use Bingo money. But it's not there. Smoking killed Bingo. People stopped coming because of smoking. What's worse is the new 'no smoking at Bingo' laws. Now we have nobody showing up. Our caller is boring as anything. What are you supposed to do at Bingo if you're not smoking? It was the last safe space for smokers in Topeka. If we had free food, people would come back to Bingo. I know you can take off your mask for food. I am not sure if you can take off your mask to smoke. Tags:
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She's waiting to make an order. That guy is trying to figure out if Aroma has Kosher coffee. That's going to be a twenty minute ordeal. Even in Israel, it's a Jewish habit to make sure everything is Kosher. Even coffee... Yes. She is frustrated. Jews get frustrated with Jews being religious.
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INT – COFFEE SHOP – NIGHT Shlomo, a religious Jew, sitting in a coffee shop with his friend, Sarah. The waitress comes over and Shlomo points to the menu. Shlomo: Is it Kosher? Sarah (in undertone): He's doing it again... Does he have to? Waitress: What's Kosher? Shlomo: I don't know. Is it? Waitress: I don't know. What does Kosher mean? Shlomo: Kosher started in the times of the Bible. Gd gave the Jews dietary laws to live by. You cannot cook a kid in its mother's milk. You can't eat milk and meat together. You can't eat an animal without split hooves. You have to... Sarah: What does any of this have to do with a cafe, Shlomo? It's a vegan cafe. You're like a Jewish missionary. Shlomo (Cont): You have to tithe. There's batel Bshishim, if it's milk that falls in the meat. One sixtieth. You mix it right away. Are they mixing in the back of the restaurant? A lot of mixing? All the time, stirring? Are the Hot Toddies stirred? Sarah: What are you trying to make her religious for? It's vegan. Just order. Shlomo: I need to know if the coffee is Kosher. If a rabbi is not checking it, we don't know that the vegan place is vegan. Sarah: You were educating her. Stop and order. She has customers. It's a vegan cafe. Shlomo: You have to teach in order to know if you can drink the coffee. Waitress: So you want the coffee? Shlomo: I need to know if it's kosher. Waitress: I still don't know what kosher is. Shlomo: I shouldn't be here. You see. We just wanted coffee. It's a nice place and... Waitress: Coffee is not Kosher? Shlomo: I don't know. Waitress: If you don't know, how am I supposed to know? I definitely don't know. Sarah: We'll take coffee. Shlomo: I don't know. Waitress: I don't if you should be here. Are you sure you should be here, Sir. I have other customers that should be eating here, because they don't keep Kosher. Shlomo: Kosher is a rabbi's approval. Waitress: I don't know any rabbis. What approval? Shlomo: A symbol. It's a big 'O' with a letter in it. You can see it on the box. Waitress goes to ask her boss. Shlomo is oblivious to the fact that he will only be spending $1.50, and that doesn't help the cafe very much. Other customers are staring at this spectacle, waiting for the waitress. Sarah: You do this every time. Shlomo: What? Sarah: Ask if it's Kosher. Shlomo: What's wrong with that? I keep Kosher. Sarah: It's coffee. You just buy it and drink it. Shlomo: Well. I do that after I know if it's Kosher. Sarah: Just do your research before you go out. (Sarah Cont) The waitress will never want to serve a Jew again. Shlomo: As long as they're not eating Treif. Sarah: They won't eat anything. They'll sit there with their hands up waiting for the waitress, and she will never come, because you had to find out if the coffee is Kosher. Shlomo: Let's say the cup was used for soup, and the soup was crab soup? Sarah: How is the waitress supposed to answer that? Shlomo: Exactly. (Shlomo Cont) Next time take me to a Kosher place. Sarah: This is Kosher. It's coffee! (Sarah Cont) I'm sure the Kosher place has coffee too. Are you going to ask them to bring in the rabbi to assure you that it's Kosher? I can't go anywhere with you. Shlomo: You can go to Kosher shops with me. (Sarah puts hand to head and shakes her head to show embarrassment) Shlomo (Cont): Why does this embarrass you? Sarah: I'm Jewish too. It's my people. Shlomo: The waitress doesn't know that. Sarah: Thank Gd. Twenty minutes later, waitress comes back. Waitress: It's kosher. Shlomo: I'll take the coffee. Waitress: That's it? Shlomo: Yep. Sarah: Why don't you take anything else? She just spent twenty minutes finding out if it's kosher. Shlomo: Nothing else is Kosher. Sarah: Next time order water. Just order water, and don't ask. It will be less embarrassing. Waitress: Should I check into the other stuff. Shlomo: Did the sugar come in a box? Waitress: I believe so. Shlomo: Can we see the box? It would be good to see the box. Waitress leaves. Sarah: What can be wrong with sugar? Shlomo: You just saw, there could be a problem with coffee. Maybe there's a problem with sugar too. The processing factory. They might process lard. Sarah: I have to do research before taking you for coffee. So that I can tell you to stop. Waitress comes back with the box. Shlomo takes off his glasses and starts searching the box. All of the customers are looking at the spectacle. Sarah: It's like he works he now. Shlomo: It's good. Has the symbol. Waitress: There's the Kosher symbol. The 'O.' Shlomo: That's registered. Random Customer: Honey. They're bringing out the boxes. (Random Customer turns to Waitress) Can I see the ingredients to the gravy? I sometimes get acid reflux. By the way, how do you make the gravy? The ingredients would be good. Sarah: See what you started. Chef comes out. Random Customer: How do you make the gravy? Shlomo: That's a good question. And he's not even Jewish. Chef: I've been in the restaurant business for eighteen years... Shlomo puts on a baseball hat. Sarah: Now you put on the hat. Kibbitzer's Conclusion He checked the package. That's the next level. It kills the restaurant allure when us religious Jews end up going to kitchen to make sure it's Kosher. Jews look like their working in the restaurant when they start asking the Kosher questions and checking the boxes. It's got to be a shock to be working behind a counter and to have a random person ask you what you use to make the ice cream. Sarah understands that. Yet, it's a dilemma; we have to eat. So, we go in and check out the ice cream. I have a feeling that the staff in the service industry thinks that all Jews are inspectors. We come and inspect everything. They yell to the back of the kitchen that Jews are here, and they scrub down the place. It's safer to eat at a Kosher coffee house. It causes less anti-Semitism. If he would've had on the baseball hat the whole time, she would've thought he was a Catholic that keeps Kosher. Less anti-Semitism. Sarah was very embarrassed. Shlomo felt at home making a deal to get his coffee. Which is how we know that Shlomo is a better Jew. We were bothered to find out that Shlomo only left a ten percent tip. He said that was the expected amount in these parts. Very bothersome. He should've left a 200% tip on the $1.50. And Shlomo stole all the SweeN' Low. He told Sarah that his grandparents used to do that, and it's family tradition. And tradition is the foundation of our people. Tags:
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That dad is happy because he's vacationing right near his home. He's not getting hit by any sun and he doesn't have to pay for anything; that's how religious Jews vacation. (Credit: Alex Levac- Haaretz.com)
Any vacation I am on, I feel like I'm getting ripped off. Even when I buy a yogurt, it's an awful feeling. $1.50 for Chobani. It's 89¢ in Rochester, at Shmuli’s local bodega, with a coupon. The only bodega I know with coupons. Everything I did on vacation, I know I got ripped off. When I can’t find a supermarket or a mega-store, I know I got ripped off. When I see a shot glass with the name of the place I am visiting, I got ripped off. When I buy a shirt for kids, and it's not at Marshalls, I got ripped off. When there are fees, I got ripped off. Here's what I spent my money on in Florida. I hope this prepares you for the shock of having to pay for stuff when you leave your home. If you are bringing the family, good luck. They’ll get you on family fees. Fees Expenses you didn't even think were a thing. Stuff that makes no sense, you're paying for that on vacation. Tips for people you never even saw. Tips for the guy who said hello and held the door, that you didn't even know worked there. They're called fees. The word 'fees' is vague, so you can't complain when they charge you. If you knew they were charging for the extra key to the room you are paying for already, you would go crazy. Fees means 'anything we want to charge you for.' If they wrote down that you had to pay for the paper towels, you would protest it. So, they call it 'fees.' I question tips for people who did me a favor. In Florida, I have to tip the righteous Tzadiks that are doing me favors from inside the kitchen. I never even met them. It's a fee. They know you're on vacation in Florida and they're going to get you on fees. It's a category of billing, called vacation fees. Fees for smiling people. Resort Fees Florida got me on something they called a resort fee. A resort fee?! A forty dollar a night hotel resort fee. Even the motel got me on a resort fee. No motel has ever been considered a resort. By calling yourself a motel, you are making it clear to your customers that you are keeping the resort people away. Before Florida, I never met anyone that had the gall to tell me I was staying at a tropical paradise motel. They were shocked when I explained to them, 'An umbrella doesn't make you a resort.' They made it clear that there was a chair too. They said 'the chair is for lounging. Resort.' One 'resort,' I had to pay a condo fee. These people are renting to me by the night, and they haven't covered their monthly expenses. They're depending on me for their bills. I had to pay for maintenance, gas and electric, a plumbing issue, an extra layer of drywall to keep out the noise from the guy next door, parking in my resort, a Tropicana out of the vending machine, and the resort fee. The resort didn't even offer orange juice. Yes. I was disturbed to have to pay for parking and my juice at the motel resort. Car Rental Places Make It Worse With the extra fees, I feel like I went and got my car fixed. They have fees for driving it, using the road. It's the local road and I've got to get a pass to use it. There's a gas fee, a usage fee, a friend fee. I'm guessing that's the rental guy. He's my new friend. If I have insurance, why do I have to pay for insurance?! How did car rental guy still charge me for insurance? Those are questions the rabbis didn't discuss in the Talmud, as they are too complicated. I don't know how I ended up paying car insurance. I had car insurance and he still got me on car insurance. It must be called vacation insurance. Car vacation insurance. I felt like I was at the mechanic. That's how ripped off I felt. These guys are car mechanics that got into the hospitality business. And then I have to take pictures and video the car, to not get charged more for dust hitting the car. That's another fee. It's called a speck fee. Half of my vacation is spent checking the car. I ended up parking it and leaving it, just in case there were extra fees for using it. Wait. Parking is another fee. The Car Rental Guy Works With The Hotel When you rent the room on Booking.com, they don’t tell you you're going to get screwed over with parking. I couldn't afford that after the car rental fees. Don't tell me to use Uber. I don't need a random local guy ripping me off. I like a company involved in the fraud. I like it corporate. I drove around all of South Florida. Not one free parking spot. Point: Vacation is very frustrating. I definitely end up blaming the guy who has no say, who is just charging me. I'm Not Good at Tipping for an Umbrella I thought I paid. Thinking that you've finished paying makes vacation very uncomfortable for everybody else. You pay, and then you have to pay more, and then they tax that too. And then there are fees. I didn't realize I had to tip too. After $300 a day per person, I thought we had paid. That was Disney World right there. Uncomfortable. You have to be ready for the $300 and fees, and tips. You can't expect for somebody to help you for free. Next time somebody does me a favor in Florida, I am not saying 'thank you.' I am just going to give them money. That's appreciated. Got to Eat at Restaurants If I'm not broke yet, I have to eat. It’s either the restaurant or the mini mart. The problem is they don’t have tables at the mini mart, and the kids will remember eating at a mini mart. Their friends will remember it too, when they share what they did for vacation. Third grade teachers are fools. Who has the kids sharing their intimate family stuff? Make sure they did a decent vacation before asking them to share it with the class. Let the ones that went skiing in Colorado share it. I Have to Eat Kosher That's another two thousand dollars. That's the kosher fee. Families Belong at Home - Not on Vacation Dad is going to get mad. Every dad is angry on vacation, because they have to pay. Family vacations cost, and they go bad because mom and dad are spending a lot of money. When they see the kids not smiling, that's anger fodder. I heard a dad at the Motel Resort yelling, ‘We’re going to have a good time. We're going to have good family times.’ You never have a good time when dad says you’re going to have a good time. ‘We’re going to smile. Everybody is going to smile.' He demanded smiles. 'I invested a lot of money on family time. Smile!!! I just got a resort fee, because they gave us towels. It's a motel! It is not a resort! And no more Greek yogurt. I can't afford yogurt for everybody. You think I'm made of tips…Sorry, honey. I thought it was all good once we paid for the flight.' And then dad gets hit with another fee for having a license and having to park. And when they saw the kids, they charged them a family fee having them. Knowing how much dad spent, I was happier as a single man, only having to work overtime for the next half year. What I Learned About My Vacation Money I might have enough money to vacation in Toronto. They don't have resort fees in Toronto. They tried getting people on the umbrellas concept, but that didn't sell in subzero temperatures. They couldn't argue with the fact there was no sun. They tried getting me to tip once, but I just stayed in the cold and the bellhop ran back inside. Thank Gd, I have a home. I'm going to enjoy my winter there. I already covered maintenance. Bills are paid. There are no extra fees. Next time I travel outside of city limits, I am planning in advance. I've already spoke to my boss about a 401k. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Yitro1/21/2022 
Our rabbi poached the members back. Finally, he went into Congregation Anshei Sinah for Minyin and got them back. Go for Minyin is a great undercover move. You go to pray with others and then you steal them.
Anshei Sinah originally poached them with a Shabbat dinner. They gave free dinner and we lost our congregants. That's all it took, free dinner. And then they never came back. Susan got a retainer. Finally, her braces are off, and we have another opportunity for a Shidduch in our congregation. Issue is she has been sucking everything through the top of her retainer. It’s a constant ‘chach.’ It’s like a young girl ‘chach.’ I hear chachs from Fran and Bernie all the time, during Musaf. Now, we have to hear chachs from Susan. We had the awards ceremony. These were the awards. Best Poaching award, given to Rabbi Falsinman at Beit Knesset Topelovitch. He came to our shul and shook hands once. We lost members. Sim was so honored to be worst son-in-law. Sarah was honored with loudest member of sisterhood. Sadie is still the scariest. Sarah is heard everywhere. No awards for most giving member of Beis Kneses Emes uSefilah. No nominees. Tu BShvat Seder didn’t go that well. The congregants kept on talking about Anshei Sinah's free dinner and how their dinner didn't have dried fruit. They were still enamored by the free dinner compote. The Seder questions were about why we couldn't have a compote, and why this is the worst Seder they have ever had. The rabbi decided he had to bring up the morale after the Seder. He told the congregants to stop being annoying. I think that helped. New programming at shul has been at a high. We had an amazing concert. They made people wear masks. The mask mandate drew five people. The rest were on Zoom. The mask rule brought everybody together online, which was not felt by any congregants. It brought people together online and emptied the shul. We need to have people in shul to justify this building. Masks are not helping. It seems that the shul is happy having programs with nobody showing up in person. I've gotten in much trouble for saying that people not showing has hurt the community feel. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Flock ‘And Moshe went out to greet his father-in-law’ (Shemot 18:5). You don’t even say goodbye. You make sure he leaves the house and you lock the door behind him… It’s a Halacha to walk somebody four Amot out of the house. Six feet… You look through the peephole to make sure he’s gone. You make sure he’s gone six feet... Greet people. At least make them feel like they're wanted... Exactly. That's why nobody wants to join the back left of the shul. If you were your own shul, we would have more people here... Because you wouldn't be here... I call you my flock, because I am bringing you closer to Gd. It's a way of welcoming and making you better people... (Shemot 18:8) ‘And Moshe told the story to his father-in-law’ of the leaving of Egypt... Stories mean something when told by a good storyteller, Hymie. Yitro then blesses H' (18:10-12)... Because it was a good story. Nobody has ever said, 'Thank Gd, I just heard that story about Fran's grandchildren visiting her and going apple picking again'... He praises Gd. You guys can't even show up to Minyin... He sees the goodness. Even on Pesach, you can’t appreciate H’s goodness. You hate the Seder. Every question is, ‘Why are we finished eating already on all other nights? Why on this night have we not started yet?’… All complaining. Yitro sees the good… The story went over great, because he listened.... You people never listen. Of course you get nothing out of the rabbi's sermons. Because you don't listen... Rashi says he told the story in order to bring his father-in-law closer to the Torah… No. Your stories push people away. They’re bad jokes, Hymie. They bring people away from the Torah… Anshei Sinah didn’t have to poach Merv. He left. Your stories pushed him away from our shul… Yitro connected… I also can’t connect with Hymie’s jokes about mother-in-laws… We don’t know if Moshe’s mother-in-law liked him… No. He doesn’t mention her being a nag… (Shemot 18:9) 'And Yitro became one with all the good...' He connected with it, because he was listening. That is why it was good… There is no good here right now. Not even the rugulach at Kiddish. The Tu BShvat Seder was blah… The only positive is that we were able to poach back some of our members. 'VaYichad,' and he became one, according to your rabbi's translation. You cannot become one without listening, without connecting. He became one because he became emotionally involved… It was Kyle’s Bar Mitzvah and you didn’t even realize it… Your speech to your son was about Frank’s hole in one… He dropped the ball with the synagogue's Matzah for Mitzvah event... Shimon didn't become one with it. He didn't commit... You don't not have responsibility when you don't take it. It's there when you listen... Chaim got a D on the test, because he didn't listen. He still had to take the test... Responsibility to not drop the ball. Responsibility to have fun and to not be self-conscious about caring and being the Mitzvah Matzah Jew of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah. You all have it in you to be Mitzvah Matzah Jews... Listen. Hear the Mitzvot. Connect to the story... They had mutual respect. Moshe went out to greet his father-in-law. He saw that he had responsibility. The responsibility of respect/Kaavod… Your father-in-law comes, and you’re hiding in the basement, Freida… I hear it from him. He comes to Minyin to find you. He asks, ‘Have you seen Freida?' And then he leaves the Minyin… And how many of you show any Kaavod? You can't show Kaavod if you don't connect... The teenagers don't connect. There's no happiness. They can't open their mouths to say hello, unless it was a grunt… Yes. His father-in-law had his wife and kids. You left your family years ago, Simmy… You weren’t leading a nation. Simmy’s Hardware staff is not a nation… They’re good people there, but they're not a nation. Are they coming to you with questions about what to do when you murder somebody?... Then, you're hiring the wrong people... Yes, Yitro connected with the story. Rashi translates the word ‘VaYichad’ as 'It made Yitro happy.' What did? Was it the story, or the story coupled with the action of the respect he showed?... Connecting makes you happy... When you're happy, you connect. Nobody connects with Samantha and Rob... Nobody is happy here. When you don’t say ‘Hi,’ for some reason, people don’t connect… Nobody is happy to see you, Melvy. You don’t smile… I think you chase people away. And then make sure they’re gone. You make them not want to be one with you… You create great divisiveness. Keeps your father-in-law away… We all want stuff. We all want everybody to hear what we have to say. But do we go out to greet the people. Or do we force them to come to us... To stroke your egos, you talk to them... A lot of ego stroking. The ark opening honor fiasco last Yom Kippur. And then the Hagbah Torah rollout competition. All ego. You do nothing to make others happy, and the story is all about you... The hardware store is great and you have amazing sales on snakes and plungers... Your store is not a nation Simmy... It is the responsibility we have to the world, to greet them, like Moshe. The responsibility of being a person, like Yitro who listened. Not like Dr. Gershstein who fell asleep again... Yep. He's sleeping during the sermon again. That is the responsibility of the Jew. To show the respect and tell the truth. The two responsibilities together is what attracts other people... There is no responsibility to not care and act like a selfish... Melvy. It’s the stories of the people. The Simcha of connecting only happened when his good son-in-law was there, telling it to him… Stories of commitment. Of connection. Of Nachis. His son-in-law brought him Nachis. Kyle brought no Nachis at his Bar Mitzvah… Worst reading… Brings the grandkids. Gershom and Eliezer. (18:3-4) The names, 'I was a sojourner,' and 'Gd was with me'… What does Kyle mean, Berel?... No Nachis. That’s what the name means… You didn’t even name him after somebody… Moshe was a sojourner. You've never traveled outside of Topeka. Menachem. You sojourn into shul… Whatever you’re doing, you saunter in… It’s a stroll. A mope. You mope into shul… The shul doesn't even welcome sojourners. They all get Melvy faces when they come in here... That's exactly how it looks... If Yitro was alive now, he wouldn't want to be Jewish… Bernie. If he saw you… He wouldn’t want to identify. The Sisterhood’s Kiddish… It was stew. We eat choolante… What miracle has taken place in this congregation? Frank’s hole in one. I think that was the last miracle over here… That story… It's the only miracle... Michaela did wear a hat one week that was not huge, and didn't block the whole fourth row. That was a miracle. Yes. If you would listen to me, you would be one with Gd… You would be happy. People connect with good, happiness, mutual respect, and kind people who bring them Nachis, and listen to them... You don't listen. You fell asleep at the Shiva house, Bernie... They were talking about their love for their father... If we’re going to re-poach our members, we have to bring happiness. That means that we have to get rid of the men in the back left section… Then smile. And yes, respect their belief in vegetarianism… I am with you. But respect it. We need the vegetarians in this congregation… For membership. We need dues, Sadie… He was a bit overbearing… Yes. Yitro comes in and tells him he’s doing everything wrong. ‘Got to run this advice racket differently, Moshe…’ Still not as bad as Melvy. If we’re rating father-in-laws… Bernie… And now, that there is connection, listening, the Torah is given to our nation. 'We shall do, and we shall hear'... You figure out the message. Why do I have to do everything for this congregation? Yitro tells Moshe to depend on others. I can't even depend on you for a decent Kiddish, or to visit the sick. I can depend on you for a messed up Shiva call... This is why I have to make all the decisions. We should disband the board... Susan wants attention... Then why are you chaching?... You moved onto a retainer? Let's see those teeth... Finally. I can look to that side of the shul without a glare. No more flashing a silver smile. Susan come up here… No. This is Nachis. This is bigger than a Bat Mitzvah. She got her braces off… Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi tried, but he couldn't get rid of the board. The board voted against it. However, the rabbi did let them all know that if he saw this shul, Yitro would've been on his side. It was messed up. Yitro is right. The rabbi can’t do it alone. In our shul, he has to. I don’t think the congregants got the rabbi’s message. They weren’t listening. Here’s the Shul Play by Play this week: Henry leaves glasses on his Siddur. Has no respect for the prayer book. He thinks the hardback Siddur is a glasses holder. Perfect for resting spectacles. The whole men's section is not happy to be in shul. They go for a long Kiddish club break. We had to wait twelve minutes to start Musaf. The Levi gets the Kohen Aliyah. We can't get one priest in our shul. They run away from us. Ever since we decided to not tithe to them, they've stopped coming. It's pathetic. Now the Levi gets that Aliyah. Even Dr. Cohen isn't a Kohen. Kids opening the ark is a nightmare every time. All the kids want to do it, as they think that's how you get more lollipops. There's no such thing as spiritual reward for doing a Mitzvah. It's lollipops. So, a fight breaks out every time they open the ark, and then one of the kids, who's not going to be an engineer, can't figure out that they're pulling the rope wrong. So the curtain keeps banging shut. This past week the rabbi was out of lollipops. The kid that fought to open the ark, threw down his Tallis. It was a strong statement for a four-year-old. Very Chuzpadik. Hatikvah was a nice idea. We do it every week. People singing isn't. The fact that the congregants try to harmonize Hatikvah is messed up. Hearing their offness during Davening is enough. There were three women in women’s section. A little snow and nobody comes. Any excuse to not come. COVID seems to have been an excuse for two years already. They blame the rabbi for people not coming and the snow. As Bernie said, 'He's supposed to be talking to Gd about this stuff.' Frank didn't get another hole in one. But they still talked about the hole in one he did get the other time. Shmulik, the Israeli guy, made Kiddish more formal. He stood there with his arms crossed in front of him. It was a very serious look. Everybody showed more respect and stopped talking when the rabbi made the Kiddish, at Kiddish. Shmulik looked like he was guarding the grape juice. The front arm cross is a good look. The Shul concert was nice. The people came to eat. The eight people in the room were eating the whole time. Nobody sat the whole concert. It was like a Kiddish. They stood, they ate, they talked. Even the people on Zoom were eating and talking; they wanted the shul feel in their house, with the ability to mute the rabbi. Many of our congregants have mastered the Kiddish method of standing, so you don't waste time with having to get food. You're already there. Also, if you sit, other people have a chance of getting some kishka too. I got into the concert. Love the Jewish music with Psalms. I was foot stepping, the whole time. I call it pumping the gas. I like it. I feel like when I'm pumping the gas pedal, I’m playing the drums. They called it a Kumzits concert. I love it, because I don’t need to dance. It's like a Jewish folk concert. You sit. You maybe clap. You pump the pedal. Sometimes I clap. It feels like I'm playing the tambourine. We do need to be nicer in this shul. People only want to join a congregation where people are nice. The stories mean nothing. However, Frank's hole in one had everybody enamored for weeks last spring. That’s all we could talk about. I felt bad for the Bar Mitzvahs. Kyle had it hard. There were many Mazel Tovs, but Kyle didn’t get one. The hole in one was the real pride of the congregation that season. I think there was a Bris, and they decided to name the golf ball. I call them Matzah Mitzvah Jews. When you do the Mitzvahs, it's a Matzah. Great slogan. The shul ran with that, until the program didn't work out. We learned our lesson. Not alliterations make good programs. Tiki Torches and Torah had me questioning what was going on. Thanks to the rabbi’s advice, I started walking my guest six feet out of the house, to make sure they were gone. Susan getting out her braces was huge. She's a good girl. She smiles. Nobody else in the shul smiles. This is why we lose all of our members. Nobody wants to walk into a shul where people stare at you. You come here for a year, they're still staring at you. The fact that we have to poach back members is pathetic. The shul styles are messed up. The men are still wearing double breasted suits. We've got Michaela who joins hats to get extra girth out of them. Martin wears a cowboy hat. There's a reason we lose members. When you're blocked by people's clothes, it's just rude. Tags:
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What it looks like when the Gabai doesn't call up the right person to the Torah. A long conversation after Davening. (Photo: Bialystocker Shul)
Shalom
Good Shabbis It's not Shabbis. That's how I greet people. It's a shul. It makes people feel good when they hear 'Good Shabbis.' But it's not Shabbis. Because you're not religious. But I am religious. If you don't say 'Good Shabbis,' you're not religious. If you say 'Shabbat Shalom' and you don't live in Israel... Let's talk about you. We can talk about my connection with Gd later. Though, I feel very judged right now, for using Hebrew as a Jew. Do you want to be called the Gabai or the Sexton? Mark. What's your job? I work in the shmata business. I sell rags. Used rags. What's your job as the Gabai? Everything the rabbi doesn't do. What does that consist of? Everything. The rabbi does nothing. Ask any congregant in this shul. The rabbi does nothing. Then why do you pay him? He leads the services. He gives speeches. He counsels people. He consols people. He's the rabbi. So he does a lot. He does nothing. What is your main job? Selling shmatas. I actually started my own line. Shamatas for Jew. Was going to say 'for you.' People love that pun. Jew instead of you. It's not a pun. Close enough. What's your main job, that the rabbi doesn't do? I call the people up to the Torah. I choose them. And then I call them up. I'm very important. Do you also say the blessing? No. They don't trust me with that. Why don't they pay you? My mom always said, 'A good Jew shouldn't work with Jews.' So, I don't get paid and I yell at them. How do you choose who to call up? Money. If they have money. How do you tell? If they're giving money to Tzedakah. I wait till the charity Pushke box comes out. Then I make my decision. I never call up somebody who puts coins in the Pushke. Only dollar bills. You watch them? Yes I do. This helps me with the Shmatas. I know who can afford a decent Shmata. But they can't give money on Shabbat. How do you tell on Shabbat? Usually, I base it on their clothes. If they have a nice tie. That's how I choose. If somebody doesn't have nice shoes, there's no way they're going to donate anything to the shul. I don't call them up. Even if they say a Mishebeyrach. They're going to forget to pay after Shabbis. Who do you not call up? Anybody with penny loafers. Why not? They haven't bought new shoes in thirty years. The shul can't invest in Aliyahs like that. No loafers are allowed on my Bima. If they wear the loafers because they sail, then I know they're not religious. What's the Bima? You're standing on it. Do you ever call up non-religious people to the Torah? If they have a lot of money. Would you consider calling up somebody who doesn't have money? If he has good stock tips. That's the only way. Do people ever get mad at you? All the time. How do you choose who opens the ark? If they seem to have pulling capabilities. I never call up Max. He always pulls the left string. He can be closing the ark for ten minutes. My job is to get people up to the Torah and get them out. How do you pick the person for Galilah, to roll the Torah? If they're very weak. If they can't lift a Torah, I call them up for Galilah and tell them to start hitting the gym. Why? It's pathetic to have these weak guys in shul. They don't even learn Torah. If they're learning, then they have a reason to not workout. And I get kickbacks from the trainer. Any advice for the Jewish people? Don't be like Mr. Himelstein. He's annoying and always complains about who I'm calling up to the Torah. Tell Mr. Himlestein to invest his money better, and he'll get an Aliyah. And workout. We have enough weak people to do Galilah. Shalom Good Shabbis. Good Shabbis Good Yom Tif. Author's Thoughts on Interview Being told 'Good Shabbis' did make me feel good. It made me feel like I was a good Jew, even in the middle of the week. Then the 'Good Yom Tif' was a topper. Everybody likes the holidays. This Gabai knows how to make people feel good. He also knows how to make people feel bad. Being told I wasn't a good religious Jew didn't make me feel good. It's great to have learned the methods behind why he doesn't call up people. I'm not setting up Chanan. He hasn't been called up for an Aliyah since his Bar Mitzvah. He definitely doesn't have a good job. I'm sure the Gabai's seen his tax returns. I now understand why the rabbi wants out of the shul. Tags:
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That's how real Charedim, ultra-Orthodox, go swimming. If you see the guy in the background, you can appreciate the Bekishe swimsuit. It should be Halacha. (Credit: Alex Levac- Haaretz.com)
I went to Florida last week and realized I should not be vacationing. I can travel, but I can't vacation.
I went down Florida because I had to. It's tradition to go to South Florida in the winter, and I am a good Jew. I even pronounce Florida with eight syllables. I am a very good Jew. I've been to Israel, but I know that the good Jews go to Florida when it's cold. Even the Israelis go to Florida. You go to Israel for the pilgrimage festivals. You go to Florida for the winter. Traveling is good. Vacationing is the issue. Throughout my spiritual quest of being where my ancestors have voyaged for winters, I learned a lot about why I shouldn't vacation. Yeshiva Week is coming and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Save up. If you're going to anything called a destination, learn from my monetary miscomings, and start saving. VACATION MONEY IS DIFFERENT This is called empathy. My Vacation Financial Situation If you have to find work, in order to ensure you have a place to sleep, that kills the vacation experience. I have living money. I don't have vacation money. I have homeowners and rent money. I don't have 'put down the month's rent to have shelter for a night' money. I don't have 'I'm going away for Pesach' money. I have 'I will clean my house for Pesach' money. I can afford the flight. I was set. I clicked that button on Orbitz and Travelocity. I clicked many buttons. I got all the way to the end and saved on the insurance. I figured, I don't need it, I can commit, and I have extra pocket change. I had no idea I would have to pay for stuff once I got to Florida. I heard they were kind people down there. What we call Ba'alei Chesed. Hotels Cost Money That would've been nice to know. I have enough money to get to Miami Beach. I don't have the money to stay. I didn't realize I had to pay for stuff once I got there, like a place to sleep. Hotels cost money. Calling $1,000 a night for a family 'hospitality' is a mockery of Hachnasat Orchim, welcoming guests. It's bad Chinuch. After all the money spent on Jewish Day School, you don't teach children that you charge four figures for lodging when you have guests. Avraham Our Father wasn't in the tent business for the money. There's a certain amount you need to make vacationing worth it. I don’t have that money. Paying for the flight isn't enough. I thought it was. You’re there. Now you have to spend $2,000 a day on stuff you didn't even realize would cost, like somebody helping you. I thought people helped with my bags because it's a Mitzvah. They expect tips for their acts of loving kindness. Be Ready For Other Expenses Kosher food doesn't get cheaper on vacation. I Didn't Save Up It was my fault. I only started saving up last spring. I don't think ahead long enough to plan a vacation right. I should've started a mutual fund years ago, before the five days in Florida. I didn't plan it correctly. I messed up my vacation plans when I got a masters in social work. I'm not even talking about skiing. If you have enough money to go skiing, you might as well vacation. And what kind of a Jew puts on an outfit that doesn't allow them to eat?! I Spent All Vacation Funds I Had I bought Tefillin. How Much Yeshiva Week Costs You spent 30K to send your kid to Jewish day school. That's just one of them. Disney World is not going to be any less than that. For each additional child, add ten thousand to the family trip, and invest wisely. You need a college fund, a Tefillin fund, and a family trip fund. Your kids are going to expect you to spend and you didn't think that putting the name of a town on a sweatshirt would bring up the price eighty dollars. The kids are going to need proof that you put your savings down on them. The Family Is Joining Trips are fine for most people who got a degree that's not social work. However, when you add family to trip, no degree helps with the Yeshiva Week cost. The hotel, the flight the rent a car and the restaurants. The kids will want more pizza. After two days of pizza, the excitement wears off. SPEND YOUR VACATION DIFFERENT You're different. Accept it. You don't have money for Yeshiva Week, because you spent it all on Yeshiva. I Have Different Kinds of Money I don't have vacation money. I have visitation money. I can travel to visit you. I can go down south to stay in your house for a week. I can pay for the flight and visit you. You have to provide the accommodations and board. I travel to you for the college spring break experience. That's why I say it's rude when you suggest a hotel. I don't have the other two thousand dollars. I needed another six months of work, and I didn't plan that. I can travel out to the island and crash by you. The couch is fine. I will deal. For me, vacationing is about finding worse living arrangements than my house. Positive Family Time I have the monies for visitations. I suggest you refocus your Yeshiva week time and do visitations. Visitations are where you make it to the destination where everybody else is vacationing. You then put the responsibility of entertaining your family on your siblings that live there. Let your brothers and sisters know, if they don’t want you visiting, you’re still coming for Shabbis. That’s the Jewish way. Even the wealthy skiers visitate on their vacation for Shabbis. The Visitation Sale Your family won’t go for the visitation when they realize that your sister doesn’t live on the beach. Tell the family they're going to see their cousins. Let them know how important family is, and that is the reason there won't be any water parks. You will have quality time with the family and your kids will hate you. Accept that your kids will hate you and you will save a lot of money. They will grow up well-adjusted individuals who don't expect you to pay for their children's schooling. Visitations are also great, as they prepare the kids for the realities of life. No matter how annoying your cousins are, they're going to have to see them at Simchas, and at least one of their friends will end up in jail. They Need Yeshiva Week Scholarships They give scholarships to the kids for school. What happens when the grandparents don't pay for vacation? Every Jewish dad feels this way. It's too much money. Even if your dad is smiling on vacation, he's mad. They all hate Yeshiva Week. So, just know that when you go on that ride, when you go jet skiing, your dad is thinking about how he's going to have to work time and a half. This Yeshiva week, thank your parents for the flight, don't ask to eat out, and be happy staying at the motel. The hotel money was spent on your tuition. Next time I shall take you into detail as to what happens to me on vacation, when I go down to Florida and don't save up money. In the meantime, no matter how you spend it. Even if it's at a motel, enjoy the family time. Call for Chesed: If you have a home in South Florida, please let us know if you are open for visitations. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: BeShalach1/16/2022 
We started recycling now at Kiddish. Choolante doesn't taste as good on paper. It's much tastier on plastic. The paper materials are not appreciated by me or anybody that doesn't like scraping up paper into their dish. There is a top layer on every paper plate that naturally skims off into the stew. Stuff doesn’t taste as good with a paper fork. either. Even wooden forks soak in the herring; not good for the potato kugel.
The good thing about the recycling concept is the compost pile. Bernie's table throws out a lot of rugulach. Seeing how much is thrown out, the rabbi decided that we have to start rationing Kiddish pastries. The kids still pile up their plates and that has to stop as well. They think their plate is a compost lesson. So, they set an example by showing how much Bernie's table wastes. This is why I'm against education. We hosted a singles Shabbat at shul this week. Sadie is convinced that all single men have asperger's. She knows they would be married if they didn't talk. It's awkward hosting the singles. I feel like we're rubbing in the good life of marriage and kids they don't have. I believe the mothers put on a baby stroller parade to help all the single women understand that life has passed them by. I've never seen these mothers smile before. They're usually dead tired. This parade didn't help the feeling of depression among the single women. Kaddish is still off sink in the shul. Got a new guy going at a third of the speed. We have to say two Amens now. It’s our duty. One Kaddish finishes and the next Kaddish is still going. Some of the new members like the Kaddish canon. They're really into the coming in at the wrong time to every song. It appears that's how they harmonize as well. The round table singing thing, where different people start at different times has brought too much fun and bad singing to the congregation. For Kedusha, during the repetition of the Amidah (silent prayer), the Chazin was singing 'Row Row Row Your Boat.' After much discussion, the board decided that there will be no more retired seats. Even if you are president of the sisterhood and don’t get in fights, they won't retire your seat. Nonetheless, you can fight to keep your seat, and yell at the board. Francine did that when they gave her Yom Kippur seat to one of the new members. The board called it 'giving.' Francine called it 'stealing my seat.' It’s not financially worth it to retire the seats, even if we don’t want the people as members. Retiring seats before somebody is dead was a discussion, as they wanted Bernie out of the shul. It was decided that you can't give Bernie no seat if he hasn't robbed anybody. They figured that if you can give him an Aliyah, you can give him a seat. Which is why the rabbi wants to oust the Gabai. Planning shul Tu BShvat Seder has been going well. I'm just happy that we don't have to worry about the food. We bought the dried fruit five months ago. It's fresh. We might even be able to use it next Tu BShvat. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Congregants and Single People Looking For A Community to Like Them The new Davener is going so slow. I understand that there are Chiyuvs. We have obligations in our shul, but it's too slow… I learned a whole Mesachta of Mishnah last Chazaras Hashatz… It was a very slow repetition. We have to move. The Davening... Davening is praying, Simcha. If you don't know how to move back and forth at a proper sway, you're not... If we don’t move faster, people are going to start thinking, and they’re going to think they shouldn’t be here… Yes. We shouldn’t be listening to a Chazin who is meditating… Saying Kaddish is not there to take away the lives of other people. It’s there to commemorate the life of a family member… You don’t commemorate a lifetime with a repetition of the Amidah that takes a long time… Paroh sends out the Israelites… When he did it, it was quick. (Shemot 13:17) H' doesn't take them straight to Eretz Yisrael. H' takes them around… They would’ve turned right back if they saw the wars… Have you ever seen a war? You don’t just walk into one of those and start making new friends... Sadie would. Because she's friendly. She's made it through the sisterhood, she can make it through any battle... She even went into the compost pile to get a rugulach. I respect her. She's a warrior. H’ gives the Israelites time to mess up more, before taking them into the Holy Land, where they will have a chance to mess up again. The same reason we fired the custodian this past week. He messed up more and then again, and then didn't sweep again. Then used the rabbis computer to download sermons… You give a relationship time to develop, time to mess up. And then you fire them... We left Egypt, but H' leads us not through the Philistine land, as we would have seen war and turned right back around (Rashi). Kind of like Mr. Appelman when he noticed that he was going to have to stay for the whole davening this week. Stepped in the room, got the look for Kaddish quorum abilities, and then he jetted. Sometimes you have to be the 10th man, Mr. Appelman. People are dependent on you... I know. His Kaddishes are long. It’s a long battle to make it through those… A 10th man is needed… Not in this community. Nobody showed up for services on Thursday.... Not ready to be a community yet. Not ready to work together. Not ready to put aside are fears of not being slaves and serving H' as one unit... As we always see the sisterhood fighting in the kitchen… They’re one unit, Frank. They fight as a unit… They're not slaves. Slaves don't fight. They're not ready to battle yet... The sisterhood would take you down so fast Frank. Thelma has been hitting the gym. I am talking about teamwork here. H' saw we needed time as a nation. We needed time to be a team… The sisterhood could've dealt with war. They're not afraid to fight. The men of this shul are scared... Show up for Minyin. That's all I'm asking. It's a fight to get a Minyin... The singles have taken too many long routes already. Get married... Yes. That's the point. You step around the whole thing. You're tiptoeing. Ask them out... Stop being alone. It bothers everybody just as much as Felvel's long Davening. Yes. We are wandering in the desert, because we are not developing our relationship with Gd. The single people, here for the singles weekend, can’t develop a relationship… You lead them the wrong way. You take the girls to a dingy pool hall, you’re not going to get the next date… It scares them, Chanan. But we have to develop that relationship as a people. As one nation who can be independent enough to depend on H'... Were the Jews wandering in the desert?... That is a question. That is not the answer. That is why it is phrased as a question. Even written with a question mark... They definitely were not ready to lead themselves. When will we be ready to stop fighting in the kitchen, start being a 10th man and to travel in that desert, so that we too can have that relationship that you kids sitting in the first row have shown you don't have... Sitting there on your the phone. Surfing... Composts are not the answer for a relationship with Gd... If you plant on it, OK. It's Shabbat. Talk to somebody. Stop being shy. Be part of the people and develop a relationship... It'd be good if you met in person. All of you singles are here. Get a number... Be a team. Married people are a team... I know the women got no help pushing the carriages today... We needed time to be a team. We also needed commitment. The bones of Yosef were a commitment... No. We don't need time to figure out that we need a youth director. We don't need time for you to come to Minyin. You need to commit. That means you wake up. You don't need 300 years to work up your fervor to come to Minyin... Or to choose a youth director. Exactly. Singles will commit to run youth groups... I know it's frightening, but they love kids. They want kids. I saw one of the young ladies eyeing the baby carriages. They might even take a carriage... To have it. (Shemot 13:19) They take the bones of Yosef, because Yosef ‘made the children of Israel swear, saying, “Gd will remember you, and you shall bring up my bones from this with you.”’ We need to take oaths that people will show up on a Thursday morning for shul. Yosef made them swear they would remember… You remember nothing Bernie… We'll remember the long Kaddish. It's painful. Does this congregation remember my last raise?... Exactly. I don’t either. It was a long time ago. We shouldn’t have to swear to remember people. You’ve forgotten the singles. Look at all of them… They’re lonely… Yes. They smile here but not at home. When you have your kids saying, ‘I love you mom,’ they’re watching it on a Netflix series… Because they have nobody to say, ‘I love you.’ They are solo. Nobody around. Just a roommate using the same bathroom. It's disgusting... We remember Michel. We want to remember Michel... We don't want to remember the other members. That's why their seats aren't retired... When they traveled, the word used is Nachem, which means to lead. It means to camp. It also means to comfort. (Shemot 13:20) ‘… and they camped in Eitam, at the edge of the wilderness…’ The Hebrew word for camping is comfort. Glamping is not proper for Jewish people. As we see at the beginning of the Parsha, Jews will just turn around. The Jews would go right home… If Gd took them glamping, they would've went right back to Egypt. If you don’t see a hotel, that’s not a vacation, Shmuel… The Jews would’ve went right back to Egypt if they saw the Pelishtim and non-running water… Exactly. They complained about the lack of running water in the desert every day. Moshe had it hard. Think about what I have to deal with when the Kellogg's Corn Flakes are finished at breakfast... Frosted Flakes are too sweet for them now. The Torah continues (13:21) ‘H’ went before them with a cloud in the day, to comfort them…’ Yes. It means to lead them… I’m a great leader. That’s why you’re all comfortable on the new cushioned chairs, donated by the Smithowitz family… You have to comfort people. Learn how to visit a Shiva house for crying out loud... You don't roll up with the bass blasting in the car... It's not comforting, Fiona... You have to comfort the single people, or we’ll lose more of them to the Jesuits... Intermarriage. Everybody wants comfort… It’s not comfortable to be a 40 year old single and to get one key to share with somebody… Hosting is not enough. They need access to your house… One key? The guy was waiting for the other to finish hitting on the girl. He even went over to him and said, we have to get back home and go to bed... You made them look pathetic... Those two guys are meeting nobody. Look at Shawn and Zev. No chance. Meeting nobody... Exactly. A place to sleep alone. With another dude. Single people need comforting. They’re in mourning too… They just don’t hold everybody up with a long Davening.... One key to the house?! Have you forgotten they’re singles… They’re not kids. They’re singles. You host them, you give them their own key… Let’s say they meet somebody… You can’t treat them like children. Sitting them at the kids table at the Bar Mitzvah… They’re single. They’re not kids… Kids are not singles… The guy had to yell out. Does anybody know Evan Keesh. People that he was asking for quiche. No matter what, it’s going to be hard. (Shemot 14:1-8) With all the comfort of an easy travel, they’re still chased by the Egyptians. The Mitzrim ask, ‘What have we done, that we send out the children of Israel from being our slaves…’ Nobody is chasing you. Chanan. You are 38. Just get married. There are no Egyptians chasing you. You might as well settle… Single people are not your slaves… We are slaves to a slow davening. It's not comforting and I don't feel the cloud, or the fire, above the ark, when Felvel leads services. Very disheartening... They decide to chase the Jews, ‘And the children of Israel went out with an upraised arm.’ It's hard to say goodbye. To give up control. That's why they sit on the board... They just sit. If they had to stand on the board, they wouldn't be there. It's too much effort to stand... Committees don't take effort. You sharing your opinions and doing nothing, kills energy, Fagye... The singles aren’t crazy. They need an upraised arm to tell them that they have no chance with... Your kids are crazy. They run around the shul... Comfort them. The singles need our help. Tu BShvat is tomorrow. Make it good with ladies. Comfort them. Bring them some fruit… Not dried fruit. That doesn’t comfort anybody. The dried stuff kills the stomach. Bring them fresh fruit. A fruit basket. They love baskets. Women love wicker... It's not Tu BAv... Did Tu BAv ever work for you Chanan?... Exactly. Work with Tu BShvat... And it’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day on Monday as well, we all have a dream that these people will finally get married… Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi put Kaddish and mourning in a whole new light for me. I am now more willing to tell mourners they're doing stuff wrong. It used to be hard for me to tell somebody, who is crying and sad, that they are doing it wrong. I backed out of the sisterhood. They scare me. Very awkward Friday night singles event. Nobody met. They were all standing with their clicks. They looked good and stylish, but not approachable. One guy tried to break into a click and join a conversation. The girls had to explain to him what a click is. A click is apparently something to keep the single women happy. The girls walked out looking good, with no guys. I also think it was weird to have the married people at the event. The girls were imagining our husbands without Tallises. The guys were imagining the women without Shaytels. I think all the singles thought we were a conversation full of divorcees, raising our children together. I've brought up the idea of us being a Kibbutz shul, but the board is too lazy to plant anything. The rabbi was right. The singles aren’t crazy. If more women wore head coverings in the shul, we wouldn’t have the problem of the men hitting on all the married women. The men hitting on the married women didn’t help the single women’s morale base. I think the singles heard the rabbi’s message when he brought it home and said that they’re alone and with nobody. Nobody to tell them they are loved. I think that was truly a strong message. When people cry during a sermon, you know the rabbi is doing a good job. Also, telling them that nobody is chasing them, like the Egyptians. That they should settle. That was brilliant. Very strong messages. The rabbi tried helping them by telling them to get numbers, right after he told everybody they have to keep Shabbat to connect with Gd. To be a religious Jew who is hitting on a women, you have to be really good with numbers. Encyclopedic. The rabbi's advice was totally correct. Women love wicker. Singles having to be a certain age clarified it for us all. We now know that you’re not considered a single till you reach forty. Before forty, you're a potential spouse. You're a bachelor or bachelorette. Forty makes you an adult who has no chance, a single. Once they reach forty, I will stop sitting the singles at the kids table. The parents are still not watching their kids. The women's head coverings have been quite unique recently. Now, baseball hats are a thing in shul. The bedazzled baseball hats are still baseball hats. One of the women said bedazzling is classy. You can't make a baseball hat classy. It has no place in shul. And then they have bedazzled logos of their favorite yeshivas on the hats. It's not Shabbisdik. The shul glamping program for Tu BShvat last year was a disaster. Nobody wanted to connect with the land, even if that meant a heated cabin with a private bathroom. If camping is at all involved, our congregants are not comfortable. Nobody ate dried fruit at the shul’s Tu BShvat Seder, later in the week. I think the reason why the dried fruit needs to last so long, with the two year expiration date and all the preservatives, is that nobody wants to eat it. I am certain that nobody likes the dried plums. There is no Seichel, common sense, in our congregation. One key to forty year old single men to share. Glamping. Shiva house visits, like they're going to party. Recycling at Kiddish. Paper and wood forks are disgusting. Slow davening. Dried fruit. Long services. Baby carriages piled up at the entrance to the shul. And they wonder why people aren't coming. Tags:
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What it looks like when the rebbe doesn't show to shul during the Ten Days of Repentance, and the Chazin is going very slow. (Photo: Maurycy Gottlieb - From Jewish Art, edited by Grace Cohen Grossman)
The Skeptical Litvak – They All Are
The rebbe didn't show up for Selichot prayers during the Ten Days of Repentance. The people of Nemirov asked, ‘Where is the Rebbe?’ And all the disciples now had to repent for speaking Lashon Hara. Speaking gossip is a sin. You shouldn’t ask such questions. It leads to gossip. But they did, as it was about the rebbe, and everybody talks about rabbis. People love to talk about rabbis. You see the rabbi at the restaurant and everybody’s talking about how he didn’t have enough intent with his blessing, and too little stuffed derma. Discussion continued and the Chasidim knew there is only one place their rebbe could be. In heaven. A Litvak came to the town during this time of Selichot, early in the morning, and he noticed the rebbe's absence. The pupils of the Rebbe of Nemirov said, ‘Where is our Rebbe? He is in heaven.’ And the Litvak laughed. It was more of a guffaw. We all know Litvaks are very sarcastic. They’re straight and they have no creativity with their practice of Mitzvot. When was the last time a Litvak celebrated Shabbat by starting a bonfire, playing an electric guitar, throwing together some fireworks, and tanning a hide? No creativity. Upon hearing that their rebbe was in heaven, the Litvak knew the rebbe was up to something. To quote the Litvak, ‘I have seen many people try to get out of Minyin. People love to skip Selichot. I’ve heard people were sick, with a cough. I’ve heard people had to go to work. They didn’t even have a job. I’ve even heard people say they had to watch their kids, when we had babysitting at the shul. But using heaven as an excuse to get out of services?!’ The Litvak laughed and reprimanded, ‘You fools. Your rebbe is not in heaven. Even Moshe, our great leader, didn't go up to heaven. It’s impossible.’ And the Litvak said, ‘I will find out.’ And he did. Sleeping Under Somebody’s Bed is Not Comfortable – Even if They Are a Rebbe That evening, the Litvak snuck into the rebbe's house and slept under his bed. The Litvak was scared. Of course, he was scared. It was even creepy back then to sleep under somebody's bed. But the Litvak did it. I don’t suggest sleeping under anybody’s bed. There is no precedent to sleep under somebody’s bed, unless if you are their student. Then it makes sense. You learn their snoring patterns, and you can be a better disciple. He wanted to see what the rebbe was up to. He had to get to the bottom of this skipping prayers racket the rebbe was running. And the Litvak was going to figure it out, by trespassing and hiding under the rebbe’s bed, and taking some of the rice cakes he found in the kitchen. It wasn’t easy. He couldn’t breathe normally or the rebbe would figure him out. He also couldn’t breathe normally, because of the dust under the rebbe’s bed. The rebbe wasn’t known for sweeping. They didn’t have Swiffers back then. It was a hard night and the Litvak didn’t get much sleep. The rebbe even took a fly swatter and smacked him with it a few times, thinking his room was infested with loud bedbugs. What Rebbes Do When They Skip Prayers and Selichot The next morning, when all had left the house, the rebbe got up. ‘Ah Ha. The rebbe wakes up late. Everybody else was out of the house at 5:30am and the rebbe is only moving at 5:35am. A sloth,’ thought the Litvak, ‘I got him.’ Then, the rebbe put on peasant clothes, and took an ax and rope with him. The rebbe went to the forest and cut down a tree, then cut it into pieces and tied it in the rope. He was the only in shape rabbi I’ve ever heard of. I’ve never heard of a rabbi who does anything but go to the shvitz. Rabbis sit and sweat. They don’t exercise. Not the Rebbe of Nemirov. He exercises. Two hundred pushups every morning. The Litvak was lucky he skipped them that day. Legend has it that no other rabbi could take the Rabbi of Nemirov in an arm wrestle. But that's a different story of inspiration. He competed in strong man competitions and lumberjack carries under the name Vlad. The rebbe started dragging the wood. The Litvak was still there, following the rebbe. He was very good at stalking. He had done it before. If I recall correctly, there was another time the Litvak slept under a rabbi’s bed because he was interested in finding out what he wears under his Bekishe. What’s under the rebbe’s coat has always been an anomaly, The Litvak was disturbed. Why did the rebbe need to start a wood business? Why are his disciples not paying him enough? Why do the rebbe’s students not sleep under his bed? Are they just not good pupils? Why is the rebbe killing the forest? There were many questions. The rebbe dragged the wood to a poor women's house who was sick, and he knocked on the door. You don’t just enter a house, unannounced. She probably would’ve shot the rebbe. This story is based on the Chasid's account. That student of the rebbe was following the Litvak. I can’t tell you what kind of house it was. You have to ask the Litvak. I believe it was wood. Might have been brick. Not a sturdy foundation. A very nice kitchen. Granite countertops. Granite was big in the 1800s. The poor woman asked, ‘Who’s at my door.’ The Rebbe said, ‘Vassil.’ Vassil is not a Jewish name. Nobody names their kid Vassil. It hurts their chances at a good Shidduch. She told the rebbe he can come in. The rebbe’s sale, posing as Vassil, was, ‘You don’t have money? You can repay me later. You believe in Gd, but you don’t believe that He will give you six kopeks?’ The rebbe wasn’t a very good businessman. He could’ve got more than six kopeks out of her. He could’ve told her that she didn’t have to pay him a thousand kopeks. But he didn’t. He missed the moment to make a bit. The Litvak however, learned a valuable lesson. The Litvak became very rich later in life, when he sold a house for eight million kopeks, by telling the guy that if he believes in Gd he should buy it. The guy purchasing the house only had a million kopeks. With newfound belief in Gd, due to the Litvak’s sales technique, the guy borrowed the rest from the bank. The guy lost the house when he couldn’t make the first payment. Thank Gd, the Litvak got top dollar on the deal, What Happens in A Poor Women's House The rebbe entered the poor women’s house. As the rebbe put the wood in the oven, he recited the first portion of Selichot in a groan. That’s the tradition. I know they do that at my shul. It’s early in the morning and you’re supposed to express how tired you are when repenting. If you show Gd how hard it is, and complain, He’s more merciful. When the wood began to burn and it became bright, he recited the second portion of Selichot with more joy. When the fire was lit and ready, he recited the third portion and shut the oven. Why the rebbe shut the stove, we don’t know. We hope the stove still made the room warm, even though he shut it. The Litvak was amazed that the rebbe knew the Selichot by heart. And who could recite the Selichot so fast?! The rebbe himself had been skipping the prayers all this time. The Litvak became a Chasid of the Rabbi of Nemirov. And every year, when they spoke of the rebbe ascending to heaven during the Days of Awe, the Litvak wouldn’t laugh anymore. The Litvak would say, 'If not higher.' And then he would tell everybody how the rebbe Davens too fast and had to work on his Kavanah. Lessons of What Followed The Litvak learned the lesson from the rebbe and stopped going to shul. He started working as a laborer and never helped with Minyin again. The community wanted him to help with the quorum, but he said he can get closer to Gd by not showing up. Years later, the Chasidim of the rebbe learned of his great Mitzvah. Once the story got out, they couldn't get a Minyin in Nemirov for Selichot anymore. Many don’t know the truth behind the story. It was the rebbe’s morning workout. He had to get it out of the way, and he knew the Litvak was following him. He couldn’t just chop down a tree and leave it. The Litvak would know the rebbe was just trying to get jacked. Why the rebbe didn't use his strongman name, 'Vlad,' we will never know. The rebbe groaned when putting in the wood, for he killed his back carrying the bundles all the way to the sick woman’s house. The Litvak couldn't get a hint. The least the Litvak could’ve done is offer to help. If you’re stalking somebody already, you might as well help. The rebbe was singing the Selichot more joyously once the oven was lit, as he wasn’t freezing anymore. The house was very cold. Being the proper guest the rebbe is, when he’s in the character of Vassil, he didn’t want to complain to the woman. The poor woman tried finding Vassil to pay him the six kopeks. She wanted to pay him back so badly. Trying to pay back Vassil, she got caught in the cold and came down with pneumonia. If she would’ve known it was the rebbe, she would’ve been a healthier woman. She would’ve went to his house and even given a donation to the Yeshiva. The Litvak couldn’t mock the rebbe anymore and he lost his sense of humor. ***For the story, also see I.L. Peretz’s Selected Stories Tags:
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No chance you're walking away from the Seder without an upset stomach. To note, the holiday has turned into a way to pass on gift platters to your friends.
Seders are about questions. Asking questions is what the Kabbalists had in mind when they created the Tu BShvat Seder.
Here are the questions from my Tu BShvat Seder last year. Use them to make your Seder more meaningful. People Trying to Figure Out Why There is So Much Dried Fruit at the Seder Why are we only eating dried fruits on this night? Why are we eating almonds with no salt? Why on all other nights are our peanuts salted and enjoyable? Why is my stomach hurting? Why does this hurt more than milk? Why do we have a holiday to care for the environment and vegetarians? Is this holiday about the environment? Why are we using plastic silverware? Don’t we do enough for the environment by not driving on Shabbat? Can we eat one of those apples that’s sitting on the counter? If I like apples and I don’t like dried fruit, can I please eat an apple? If it is not tradition, can I please eat an apple? How does eating fruits and vegetables make you fat? How can you get fat when eating healthy? People Confused About Israel’s Undergrowth What are the seven species of Israel? Can I ask that question again? Is pomelo not one of the seven fruits of the Holy Land? Are you sure? Why is this so confusing? Then why do they sell it in the shuk? Yes. Should sunflower seeds not be one of the seven species? Why are Bamba peanut butter puffs not a specie? Are they not a vegetarian food? Are they not made in Israel? Why are they so tasty? If almonds are not one of the seven species of Israel, then can we please pull out the salted ones? Why is salt so good? Will somebody please get me another cup? My plastic cup already has some wine. I want another one for the cola of Israel. Questions About the Environment and the People Who Care Why did the Jewish National Fund (JNF) take my money for a tree when I was a child? Where is my tree? Why did The Jewish National Fund take money from me in kindergarten and never tell me where they planted my tree in Israel? What happened to the Dead Sea? Is it solidarity with the trees to not sit on chairs? Why don’t you pay for us to do yoga? Why is he laying down on our couch? No, you can’t sleep here. You’re here for the Seder. Why did you just drool on our pillow? Why don’t you recycle something for once?!!! Why don’t you take out the garbage every once in a while?!!! Why are we witnessing a family fight? Why have you never reused a plastic bag? Why are you the only guy still shopping without one of the big clothy supermarket bags? Why do those rip too? I don’t know. Why are people still driving non-solar cars? How are we saving the environment on Shabbat when we are leaving on the lights the whole day? Why am I sitting next to this heretic that just asked that? Where are the kids? Are they happy? Are they eating the rum raisin ice cream? Why on all other nights do I like food and have a settled stomach? There were a lot of fights at that Seder. I think people got mad so many questions got asked. It extended the Seder real long. I don’t think any of the questions got answered. Though, at points, people did respond to questions with angrier questions. Hopefully, at your Seder this Tu BShvat, you will be able to answer some of these. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bo1/7/2022 
We just retired the first seat in shul. Michel deserved it. Would’ve hung his Tallis in the rafters, but everybody in the shul is scared of heights.
Now everybody wants to be honored. The shul is now planning an awards ceremony. The problem is that an awards ceremony needs awards. The Best Kugel Award is the most I can hope for. I’ve never gotten an award. I think I should quit. We started a new Chesed project where we do everything kind. We don’t do much of it, but we do it all. We collect money. We shop for people. We visit the sick. We told the school in the area that we'll help with the kids after school. I think the teachers are scared they'll get a bad reputation if the kids come to our after school program and start talking. We even started a thing where we help old people cross the street. I believe that has turned into an offensive campaign, where people started yelling at us for accusing them of being old and decrepit. Many people have yelled police and hit our volunteers, as they thought we were trying to steal their purses. We even took up a new ‘care for orphans’ program. It’s a good program. Nobody thought to take any of them in. The sisterhood feels like adopting one would kill the program. I saw the list of orphans in our community. The orphans each have their own card. The center shows them to you like that. They feel that people like baseball cards, and the kids will be seen as more valuable if they look like The Babe. Pictures of the toddlers with bats is very cute. It gets the money hungry potential parents thinking that they could make some good return on investment in the future. I think that’s wrong, but they’re trying to do good for the kids. The cards are numbered. I wanted to get some so my grandkids could make a set. One kid that I felt bad for never got picked up. The social worker said she wasn’t draftable. It would be nice if we donated the money somewhere. We've collected it though. It's nice to have money. Rabbi asked his kids to share what they shared at the Friday night dinner before we started reading the Torah. That was very painful. It was like an extra three speeches. They also give long sermons like their dad. I would’ve been happier if they didn’t learn anything at school. Seeing the kids reading off their notes from Morah Felicia was very painful. Israelis in the community has me questioning. A lot of Israelis are moving from Israel. It's a new wave of Jews moving from the Holy Land. There must be a new youth movement in Israel spreading the ideals of Yiridah. I've asked and none of them support the Beitar youth movement. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom To sum up the plagues a bissel, the Egyptians are not happy. Nobody likes frogs jumping everywhere… I know Michael likes frogs. He collects them. If they were jumping all over the house. It’s an irritant... Try eating Cornflakes with frogs jumping around... I feel like the back left of the shul is an irritant. A plague… If frogs were jumping in the back left, it would be less of a distraction during the Torah reading... You are all very loud! In last week's parsha, we see that Moses gives over H's message. 'If you refuse to let the Jews go, and you keep holding onto them... the hand of H' will come to your livestock.' I know we have a lot of farmers here. What's my retirement package looking like? That’s the question… People like snow. Hail is different, Yossi… The hail with fire. You like that? You want fireballs landing on your house? Little comets shooting fire with frogs jumping all over your bed? Then listen to H’… Simcha. You had a fit when your car got a ding from the ice storm last year… I don't know why H' doesn't kill the firstborns first. Sometimes, I get the feeling like the older people are the ones causing problems... H' is building up the drama… Yes. I'm giving the story over again, this year. It’s my duty. (10:1-2) H’ brings the plagues as signs, ‘in order that you will tell your children and children’s children…’ Not just grandkids. But it’s also grandkids grandkids. You should be telling everybody. Like the joke you've told us all about the rabbi and the imam, Hymie... You repeat it all the time... Exactly. Because you forget that you told us... You have to repeat and let everybody know. There's a reason our Beis Kenesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Sunday School spends half year on the 'Let My People Go'... It's not just a song, Rachel... It’s our duty, Bernie!!! Pesach. Do we not do Pesach now?!... Yes. This speech is a Seder... It takes a while to teach the songs. Now, we have to show The Ten Commandments and Prince of Egypt too... Beautiful songs in that film. We play them all the time... We want the kids to look good at the Pesach Concert this year. Now. Let us learn the lessons of Paroh. It’s like running another Seder here… Got to deal with all these questions… Read something. Look it up in a dictionary. Open up a Torah. Even Sadie doesn’t read anymore. All questions… Paroh is afraid to let the Jews go. He is afraid to let go... As we've noticed in our community with the leader of the Federation of Monies taken for Our Organization We Never See... A tight hold onto anything makes it hard. It makes it hard on the people. It makes it hard on our shul's renovations... Paroh is a hoarder. Parohs have always been known to be hoarders. With the hoarding of all the food before the famine. That is how the Jews ended up in Egypt... Hoarding is how the Jews ended up in Mitzrayim. The hoarding in this community… We have fifteen hundred Siddurs piled up in the lobby. All ripped… I'm saying to bury them. Let our Siddurs go. Show respect… Then fix them, Bernie. It’s a pile… It’s a Siddur obstacle course. Tripping over Siddurs is not respectful… If we do it right, it's respectful and it praises H.' Letting go is a praise. It shows trust… This is why Chanan isn't married. He doesn't let go. He holds onto the girls. You're choking them with your helicopter dating. I'm not saying to throw out the new siddurs... Keep some of the old ones. They're beautiful. Each family should have one... OK. Keep some of the old ones. Look to the right side of the congregation. Old is beautiful. Sometimes you have to let go. You only have so much room in this world… It’s shameful how you protested retiring Michel’s seat. Shameful… Letting something be known that it was great is honoring. It’s respectful. We have to let that seat go and retire it… If it’s with H’ and you’re doing a Mitzvah, it shows respect… No. Disgusting. Siddur tossing is disgusting. We do Shaimos. We bury the Siddurs. Paroh doesn’t let the people go, and thus he loses his livestock… If you don't want to lose your cattle, stop hoarding and give me a raise. They don't get rid of the Jews. They lose their livestock. The money of their past. All that accumulated wealth they held onto. Our Tzadik, Michel, never held onto livestock… Hakol Bidei Shamaim. 'All is in the hands of Gd.' That is the religious belief, and the belief of most of our congregation... Yes. Menachem. People who don't believe that, work.... They have jobs. They pay dues. We need to find a solid base for our beliefs Menachem. I think people in this congregation are using Hakol Bidei Shamaim too much. When they messed up the ark, it was in Gd's hands. When they didn't adopt any orphans, that was Gd's fault. Not visiting the sick. Leave that up to H'. Why do we have the Chesed Project of acts of loving kindness, when you all expect H' to do it?... Then pray. Pray that H' will help them and relax... 'In the hands of Gd' is about partnering with Him. It's about being able to let go for the future... Exactly. Your a Paroh because you don't believe and can't let go. It is then, that we come to this week's Parsha... Yes. The Dvar Torah is starting here... My kids talked before Torah reading. That's not part of the speech. The other stuff was a preamble... My contract says no more than thirty minutes. That's of the Dvar Torah. The sermon can't be more than thirty minutes. The preamble isn't part of the sermon... Why can’t Paroh let go? H' says, (Shemot 10:1) 'For I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants…' H’ hardened Paroh’s heart and that of his servants. Paroh became mean, and he had the support, like the people who can't retire Michel's seat… Michel's a Tzadik. Should I explain Tzadik to you? One who shows up on time for shul. One who gives to the needy, visits the sick, honors their parents... Honoring somebody who donated a lot of money doesn't count... Not adopting makes you worse than Paroh... At least he took in Moshe. He didn't say Hakol Bidei Shamaim... H' hardened his heart. It was hard... Like a rock. Yes. When you do bad, you harden your heart and becomes hardened... He didn’t learn from the past. The no hamburgers at the baseball game fiasco. Hotdogs are not enough!!! People are enslaved to them... He made the decision to keep it bad for the Jews, like the board. Now. He has a hardened heart... Somebody with a hardened heart doesn't serve hamburgers. I see Michel’s seat and it makes me happy. He deserved for it to be retired. It unhardens my heart. I see the good… Paroh couldn’t see good. Kind of like Bernie. I can’t see any good in Bernie… We have to hoard the good... Keep it with us. But it doesn't have to take up half the shul. It’s an obstacle course with the Siddurs thrown out like that. You’ve got to treat them with respect. Unharden your heart for the Siddurs. Pray with an open heart... You didn't listen till now. Your heart has been hardened. Your family is gone. When you got in all those family scuffles... We saw them at Kiddush. 'Eat the herring Shloimy... we're not having lunch at home.' It is no wonder your family left you Pinny. Pinny, the whole community hated you. They stopped serving whiskey at kiddush because you noticed it was free. Now they have to serve the plastic bottle stuff... We saw you in the parking lot. Your kid didn't want to go to the Bar Mitzvah. I think we are all sick of hearing the same Shweky song again. Played but not Shweky. But Pinny, you hold onto that Rachem song... You embarrass your kids and you make do stuff they don't want to... Then let him run barefoot. Just stop yelling at Kiddish. Yelling at Kiddish and forcing little kids to eat herring, hardens the heart... Stop trying to control. Your control is a plague... Herring is a plague to a third grader. Even when H' is in control, we don't see it, for our hearts are still hardened. Like a puppet who has no control over her actions. She cannot bend the arm, unless bent for her. However, if we give up and understand H' is in control, we can then bend our own arms and create a new life, of joy and care, and a willingness to create new. Like a puppet who has a good master... 'Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings. Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams'... Yes. I'm quoting Metallica... If your dreams are good, the master is good. You won't have a hardened heart, like Bernie... We'll have that soft heart, which Pinny doesn't have. The soft heart of a man with a family. And a woman, unlike Pinny's wife, who doesn't bring her man to take down the whole bottle of the shul's Balvenie... A hardened heart with no shame. Because she never let him go out with the guys... And what happens? (Shemot 10:7) After all of this warning and the first plagues, and being told that locusts will come, Paroh’s servants have a change of heart. ‘Paroh’s servants said to him, “Until when are you going to be a snare to us? Send out the people that they can serve H’ their Gd. Do you not know that Egypt is lost?”' The servants know H’ already. Even they have seen H’ greatness. It’s hard to see that in this shul... Why don't you trust your rabbi? Rivka sees the goodness of her rabbi. She has a soft heart. She gives kids Stella D'oros at Kiddish... Paroh can’t change. He has become blinded by his hatred of Jews... Yes. I am getting there... He can’t even see that Egypt is lost. I saw when this shul lost the choolnate competition. I didn’t want to, but I saw when this shul needed to stop serving alcohol at Kiddish. Thank you Pinny… Yes. I see the hoarding going on with the Siddurs and people depending on Gd to visit the sick... Ms. Frankowitz is not Avraham our father... (Shemot 10:3-6) Paroh gets the warning of locusts now. He gets H’s word from Moshe and Aaron. Does it mean anything? No. At this point, he can care less if the children of Egypt are forced to eat herring... Paroh doesn't have the heart anymore to see the importance of community. Of children. Of Women. (Shemot 10:9) Moshe said, ‘With our youth and with our elders we will go, with our sons and with our daughters, with our flocks and with our cattle we will go, for it is a festival of the Lord to us.’ But Paroh doesn’t allow this. He doesn’t understand the concept of community. The concept of not getting drunk in front of little kids. ‘Bo. Come for Shabbat lunch.’ Mark and Shani never hear that… You don’t remember because you’re too drunk to remember. An invite for Shabbat lunch is what Tzadiks do. They also visit the sick… Mark was sick. Nobody cared… If you want to get your Tallis in the rafters, invitations can get you there. If you invite them, you’ll get their vote. You'll be a Tzadik in their minds… Adopting can get you vote as well. If you don't try to cash in when the kid becomes an athlete, you might get Tzadik status... We have retired a Tzadik’s seat this past week. We have also given out the shul awards… No trophies. It was word of mouth awards. Frank was honored the least likely to understand his prayers. Bernie was the one who interrupts the rabbi the most. Sadie was awarded head of the sisterhood, though she is not the president… You shouldn’t hate her for being better than you, Sarit... You just moved here, Sarit. Your family will be awarded, maybe even get a dinner in your honor, when you know more people. The shul needs money from honorees... Don't let the members of this shul harden your heart... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The way he honored Michel was beautiful. Now, everybody else thinks their parents weren’t Tzadiks. Finally. They finally know it. The speech felt like a second Pesach Seder. It was long. The rabbi even started a game of H' Says. He said that is more Jewish than Simon Says, as there are only three Jews he knows, named Simon. People were very into the game, especially the devout members. They didn't want any other sins on their plate. 'If Gd says to do it, you do it.' That's what Rachel told me, even though she hasn't visited one sick person, and I can't remember the last time she gave Tzedakah. H' says took a good twenty minutes, but the rabbi said it wasn't part of the sermon. Even so, he definitely linked it to the Parsha, telling people that H' says to kill the firstborn. Some people wanted to win real bad. The firstborns ran out of shul. The rabbi brought ‘Hoarders’ to the shul for the Siddurs. They ended up going to the houses of the congregants. The amount of stuff they’ve stolen from the shul. The old ark cover was in the Mitzkowitz house. The havdalah candle we've been looking for, at the Cohens. The handkerchief for holding the parchment, Saul was blowing his nose in it. I made it a point to not watch that episode of 'Hoarders.' Now they have another things to blame Jews for. As if having good jobs in Topeka isn't enough. Now they're going to say we're hoarding them. If I can't store it in my home and have it take up space that I need, it's not hoarding. Whatever the rabbi said, many of the farmers stopped hoarding. Their barns were finally able to be used for a shul farmers market and dance we've been planning. Yankel, the little kid who's now our singer, did a great job performing on hay. It was good to be able to say 'Yankel,' as being in a barn didn't feel Jewish. The farmers in the shul are very proud of their livestock. We had a cattle competition at the shul fair. Of course, the Mitzkowitzs brought their pigs. They’ve always been sinners. People said the rabbi saying ‘hail with fire. You want that?’ was religious coercion. It got a cross the message to do Mitzvot. I think he got across that point real well. I think it was a good way to get across the message of how hardened the heart of the congregants is. All I know is they started doing Mitzvot, and they started playing H' Says with more fervor. Pinny's kids hate Kiddish. They hate having the weekends with their dad. Nobody likes the herring. It's about time they started serving schmaltz herring. People like that. Going to plastic whiskey bottles was the best move in recent years. The real drinkers are staying away from the whiskey. They don't drink it if it's not in a glass bottle. The shul has saved a lot of money. Pinny is still getting drunk, but we're saving on the bottle material. He also has a harder time pouring the two liter bottle once he's tipsy. He just gives up and falls down near the Kiddish bar; his size and length, and the inability of the others to step over him, saves us money on extra shots. The discussion was had to retire seats based on the Yom Kippur name tags on the back of the seats. As Phil said, 'Those seats have been retired for years. Those people never show up.' Years ago, the shul stopped branding the names on the seats themselves, as they realized how quickly the lifetime members stopped paying their yearly dues. The board made it clear that there is no more lifetime membership. They want most of the congregants out after three years. They want the choice as to whether or not they have to spend Kiddish with them. Should lifetime members have their seat retired? That’s a good question. We need rules for retiring seats. If you led the sisterhood and didn't get in any fights, your seat gets retired. If you're under Bar Mitzvah age and don't run around the shul, because your parents don't watch you, your seat gets retired. If you hate the Chazin too, the rabbi said your seat gets retired. Tallises are not making it up to the rafters. Our men are scared of heights and we’ve got to get better with our hands. The shul has too many people who are scared to do renovations. They end up calling handymen. Not craftsmen. Handymen. There is not one Jewish handyman in all of Topeka. Jewish men are not handy. I don’t even know if any of them have hands. They say they have hands. If they do have hands, they don't use them. I think that's why they lick their fingers to turn the page. It turns out that to be honored, you have to know people. You need to be somebody that people will pay for. Social climbing is back at the shul. People want to be friends with Himlowitzs. Maybe there's a plague in Israel. Maybe that's why so many have left Israel and come to our community. I know that my nephews and nieces in Israel read Dvar Torahs at the Shabbat table. Hearing their school notes being read is very painful. If they didn't read it, that would be less of a punishment. I did hear about them quarantining over in Israel. Maybe there is a plague. The rabbi told the school that teachers can’t give Shabbat notes anymore, as they are painful to the whole congregation. The rabbi got a lot of complaints from the congregants after his kids spoke. It was hard, as each one of them tried to tell him that it wasn’t his kids, but the notes. He wants his son to be a childhood preacher. He now knows that won't happen if he reads Morah Kimmy's notes. The money we've collected for the Chesed project still hasn't been allotted. They're saving it to do Chesed. Nobody in the congregation wants to help other people yet. I hope we can give it to the Jewish orphan center. I think they need to make a new 2022 collectibles series, to keep interest in their brand. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album V1/6/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done that can incriminate him in Israel.
Chabad will do anything to bring all closer Yiddishkeit. Here, the rabbi is doing Kiruv on the Turkey. Kiruv means to bring closer to Jewish practice. (Photo: chabadmineola.com)
The Christmas Tree Shop. Where I buy everything I need for Chanukah, including the paper dreidel.
This is how it looks when not Frum people are at Kiddish. Not one of them is attacking the fish. No one is holding their spot, keeping others away from the herring. It seems as though they're making room for others. Bothersome. If they were Frum they would be much heavier, with hands on the sponge cake. (Photo: congregationshirami.org)
How the Q&A looks at every Jewish event. That guy is not asking a question. He knows it's time for the Q&A, which means it's time for him to give his speech... You can see the passion. He's definitely not asking. He's speaking to the guest speaker... The people around him are not happy to have to hear his speech too. (Photo: Jan Karski Educational Foundation- Polish Jewish Studies)
I don't know why I took all that from the restaurant... I don't use Sweet'N Low. I just felt that it's the right thing to do. It's something my ancestors did.
We were quarantined in our rooms at Israel's corona hotel, but we lit Shabbat candles together, in the lobby... That was when I realized there were benefits to being religious. The Chilonim (secular Jews), who started leaving their rooms for Minyin, also realized this.
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These guys are at the fundraiser without their wives. It would cost too much to bring them. Those smiles are them saving money on schnitzel. This isn't a shul event. The difference is using the tithed Tzedakah money, and dinner with the family. (Norwood Fundraiser)
The organization is going to get more money out of you. They do that with what they call the (you put in the name of the organization) dinner. Every nonprofit has it. It can be at the pizza joint, they'll have their yearly dinner. They take a piece of schnitzel they got for three dollars and upcharge you 30,000%. They know you wouldn't pay $800 for a piece of schnitzel if there wasn't a reason. They need to sell you on this.
To sell you at the dinner, they use people they call honorees. The honorees is how they get you to come. Here is how they will use them. Be ready. Save the Date The first sign somebody is going to be taking your money. They tell you to save the date. Stay away from anything that says ‘Save the Date.’ That means something expensive is coming up. If you get one of these, pretend you didn’t see it and plan a trip for the ‘Date.’ Save the date for something cheaper than the fundraiser. A family trip to the Netherlands is a good way to save money. The best advice I can give is to never look at your mail. You will save a lot of money on donations and bills that way. If you're lucky, you can also get out of a Bar Mitzvah. The fact that they have money to send you a letter that says they are not ready yet is a problem. Honorees They will prep you with the save the date. Then they bring on the guilt. There are people being honored. You can't go on a trip when people are being honored. You have to honor them. They're honorees. They haven't honored these friends in a while. The honorees are people that other people like, who have a lot of friends. Or, they're people that other people need to pretend they like, for potential work; you want to be closer to these people. The organizations use these people to get you to come out to the fundraiser. They don't trust that you like the shul enough. They thus honor the Friedbergs. Everybody knows the Friedbergs. What are the Friedbergs honored for? Knowing people. That's what they've given to the shul. They've never volunteered or helped with a Shiva Minyin, but they know people. How to Not Get Pulled In Over the years, I've made it a point to have friends that nobody likes. I was going broke on friends who were affable. I noticed a disturbing pattern; the shul was honoring these people. These friendly people offering to pay for dinner, when you go out together, is just a guise before the big blow of the $2,000 you will be putting out for their honorees dinner. If you can find unlovable friends who are also poor, you have struck gold. If you see somebody sticking their hands in the herring and taking all the meat out of the choolante pot, for themselves, befriend them. How They Pick the Honorees You will know it is a fundraiser when the Fridberg family gets honored for being great community members. When people get honored for accomplishing nothing, that is a clear sign it's a fundraiser. If there is more than one couple on the bill, that is another clear sign it's a fundraiser and that the person who deserves to get honored, and is second on the poster, is not popular enough. Nobody cares that you brought the children out of Sudan if people aren't hanging with you at Kiddish, but it would look decent to honor you. Do you have friends? That is what we care about. For this reason, you should also avoid friends who have solved any worldwide crisis, such as starvation or disease. Your friends should be unhelpful and unfriendly people. Speakers You have to give money for these people that are also going to interrupt your dinner. Anything to take your focus off the fact that you've just put out $800 on a piece of schnitzel. Theses are other honorees. You don't know them. Why they tell you about these honorees, I have no idea. Yet, you're forking over another $500 for them to be there. They have to pay these people to talk over you and interrupt your conversation. The Committee Watch out for these people. These are the people that tell you about the dinner. They tell you about your friends and the speakers. They write the letters. They tell you to 'save the date.' They call you when you tried to not respond. You had to tell them you must've not gotten the letter. They know you are lying. If you don't go, you'll be offending them. Once people join a committee, they become very crafty. Your friends are on the committee, and they're going to tell you about that friend that is being honored. The Issue Is Friends If you've learned something today, it's to not have friends. Being part of a community, it's best if you don't know anybody. Then you don't have to feel bad not showing up. You can save a lot of money that way. It costs too much money to not offend people. If you plan the trip, try your hardest to forge a ticket that shows you purchased it before the committee sent out the 'save the date.' The committee will ask for that. And never join the committee. They put you on that committee to make sure you're going to be there. You get no discounts on schnitzel. And make sure to support your congregation, pay your dues and dedicate to your community in honor of your ancestors. Tags:
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Esav was mad his Birthright didn’t allow him a free trip to Israel… He was already there. You get it? Esav sold his birthright to Yaakov. Birthright gives free trips to Israel. Esav didn’t get that. That’s probably the reason he was mad at Yaakov. If he wasn’t living in Israel, he still wouldn’t have got it. They didn’t have Birthright back then. 
His modeling career took off with the Dr. Shtaygen’s collapsible Shtender. Some models are discovered in malls. Frum models are discovered in the Beit Midrash or at Essen on Coney... Different standards. The Frum model is going for a heavier look.
David Kilimnick’s One-man Reunion Tour
David performs his Original Songs of Israel Love and Peace such as 'Marzipan Rugulach' and 'Smack Your Little Kid'... Click on the picture for your tickets in Rochester
Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... teaching that you can repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
1/28/2022
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