The Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 670:1) teaches that it’s permitted to work on Chanukah. Why he had to teach this. Why he had to let everybody know. Some things are better not said. Could’ve got another day off work.
Whoever the fool was that told the boss that Chanukah is not like Yom Kippur is an idiot…
After much research, I found out that men originally didn’t work on Chanukah. But then they found out they had to get their kids gifts. They were going broke. They realized they had to go back to work to afford Tonka trucks. And everybody was happy getting the gifts and not having to see dad during Chanukah.
Eulogizing and fasting are prohibited. Couldn’t simply said, “And don’t work.” Would it have been that hard?! And this is why men don’t smile on Chanukah. The only people to say that Chanukah is not their favorite holiday.)
 
Known as Nitel Nacht, there’s a tradition to not learn Torah Christmas Eve. The excuses some Chasidim will come up with to get out of learning Torah.
Instead of just playing chess, they had to say that Bitul Zman is now a Mitzvah. And now, because of the anti-Semites, it's important we waste time. Which is the generally accepted forbidden action of relaxing.
And then you can’t fast. You must eat Chinese food. I’m sure there’s a Mitzvah somewhere to eat moo goo gai pan.

(Kohelet 1:2) “Vanity of vanities, saith Kohelet. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.” Melech Shlomo ran out of words. Very wise. Not a great vocabulary.
King Solomon didn’t have access to a thesaurus back then. Would it have been wise to have a created a thesaurus? Probably.
Your extravagant use of words is vanity.

Due to Tircha DTzibur, a bother to the Kehillah, many shuls don’t wait for the rabbi to finish their prayers before moving into the repetition of the Amidah, and most Jews don’t go to shul. Some congregants are quite annoying. It's a Tircha to see them.
Other shuls like to wait for their rabbi to finish the Shema, so they have an excuse for showing up to work half hour late. 

We hope this wisdom helps you understand why you get mad around Chanukah time, when you're at shul, waiting for the congregants to finish singing MaOz Tzur.

​Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 13:7) teaches that one must work with all their energy, as it says by Yaakov Avinu (Berishit 31:6) “With all of my strength, I served your father.” Somehow, there is no Mitzvah to complain about your boss. Nothing in the Rambam says to complain about having to work. Why he left that tradition out… This is why you never hire kids nowadays. They're lazy.
And you don't support your daughter marrying a son-in-law who doesn’t take out the trash or help around the house. Lavan would've never put up with that.
And you must be careful to not steal from your boss or neglect any of your work. It says nothing about pens.
 
(Pirkei Avot 5:10) “One who says ‘what’s mine is mine and yours is yours’ is a regular person.” That sounds right. Regular people say stupid stuff. And they don't like to share their toys. Adults have a very hard time playing LEGO with eachother.
“And some say it’s the Sodom character trait.” Point, your not sharing Sunkist fruit gems destroys. Like Sodom, you’re selfish. You don’t invite people to your house. You don’t give to the poor. And you take all the choolante meat at Kiddish.
Sorry. I was just at a Bar Mitzvah. It’s the “all about me” attitude. And that’s how regular people are. Regular people never share their gummies. And that’s why Sodom got destroyed. And that dad was right for armbaring the kid who didn’t share the Bar Mitzvah fruit gem bags.
Lesson of Love: By sharing your Paskesz, you can save the world. And Shmuli's dad won't hurt you.
 
(Bereishit 32:33) Since the angel struck Yaakov in the thigh, “Bnei Yisrael can’t eat the Gid Hanashe.” And now there’s another cut of meat we can’t have.
Thank Gd the angel didn't hit Yaakov in the brisket. We would be left without any Yom Tov dinner.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Megilah vChanukah 3:11) teaches that it’s customary in many places to repeat the verses at the end of Hallel. Saying each of them twice. And ever since, every Jewish song repeats its sentences. This way the words rhyme. It's the law.

This month we focused on work and food, and how people risked their lives to figure out the correct temperature at which a hand would burn.

A worker can eat of grapes they’re cutting, but the Rambam (Hilchot Sechirut 12:11) says you should not overeat... Even though it is free, you don’t want to get fat.
This is derived from (Devarim 23:25) "When you enter a fellow’s vineyard, and you eat grapes as you desire, to your satisfaction." In other words, "until you are full." And I eat a lot. Which is why nobody wants to hire me. Even my lunch breaks take too long... The Pasuk continues, "but you must not put any in your vessel." Which is why I got fired from my last job. I took too many pens home.

Yad Soledet Bo, temperature at which a hand gets burnt, and retracts, is 113 to 160°F. How do we know this? The rabbis got people to test it. They would have people risk their hands. When the person screamed, they would say, "That's the temperature." And then make them stick their hand back in.
Some people didn't scream right away. They tried toughing it out. And when they passed out, the rabbi was like, "That's the temperature..." And the students of the rabbi were in shock, "I can't believe he made it to 160°F." And thanks to Reb Shloimy, who is no longer with us, we were able to figure out the highest degrees of what would be considered cooking on Shabbat. If he didn't risk his life, we wouldn't have known.
 
In Sefer Ta’amei HaMinhagim, Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak Sperling teaches that because it says in Shabbat Musaf “Those who savor it will merit life,” it’s a Minhag to eat before Shabbis. That’s what Frum guys told their wives 150 years ago so they could eat choolante earlier. Before Shabbat. Which the wife was saving for the guests.
Some would say that these words in Shabbat Musaf are talking about the showbread. But it would seem the men of the time would rather eat some potato kugel and Kokosh cake.
The men who came up with the Minhag could’ve quoted the next part of the line “and also, those who love its speech have chosen greatness,” but that wouldn’t have helped with their hankering.
 
(Rambam- Hilchot Sechirut 13:6) A worker can’t starve himself for he will not be able to work with proper energy. Because that is stealing from his boss... And this is why Frum Jews are heavier. You put that together with Shabbat, Gd gives you no chance to takeoff weight.
And then you’re allowed to eat in the vineyard when working. Absolutely no chance.

And thus we have an excuse to eat. Which is why I listen to the rabbis.

Though it’s tradition to bother ELAL flight attendants by standing in prayer, rabbis suggest to sit and hit the person next to you with your Tallis.
 
Some rabbis say it’s forbidden to raise livestock in Israel, as it may graze in someone else’s field and steal. To steal in Israel, you have to do it yourself.
Definitely, if I see your sheep in my backyard, I will not be happy. It’s an apartment on the fourth floor. It’s AstroTurf, and we don’t want your ewe grazing there. If you’re going that far to steal our chaise lounge, that’s a bit much.
 
Rav Hershel Schachter says, if possible, one should visit Israel for more than a month or even a full year. As the Mitzvah of visiting is to lose your job…
It would appear Rav Schachter comes to this conclusion as the Magen Avraham (248:15) says it’s a dispute as to whether visiting Israel is a Mitzvah, or if it’s only living there that counts. And people have really nice houses in Teaneck. It would be Halachikly incorrect to give that up for Israel. Until Israel can offer the same lawn and foliage abilities, and easy access to Manhattan, it's questionable as to whether it is correct to live there.

"If someone comes to kill you, rise and kill him first" (Sanhedrin 72a). This is why I don’t go to Krav Maga classes with Frum Jews. They take the laws too seriously.

Dunking kitchen utensils made of metal in a Mikvah is a Mitzvah. Known as Toveling, it's not a good idea to do this when you're dunking yourself in the Mikvah. Rabbis have suggested that it takes a long time to get off that filth.
It seems you have to Tovel electric kitchenware. And the appliance stores are trying to figure out why Jews return stuff all the time. They’re also trying to figure out why every microwave they sell to a Jew comes back soaked.

Due to mourning, it’s a Mitzvah to wear Converse All-Stars on Tisha BAv. Converse were made for Jews to mourn.
Other than wearing Converse All-Stars, one must drink Gatorade before the onset of the fast. Other than those two, and not eating and smelling bad, I'm not very familiar with the other Mitzvahs of the day.

The Rama (Choshen Mishpat 264:7) says you pay a Shadchan for the work. If they’re on shift loading ship containers, you pay them, even if they're a Shadchan… The Chutzpah to think they have to do manual labor for free. Next thing you know, the matchmaker is mowing your lawn and trimming your hedges for free. And then you're stuck with a manicured lawn and no prospects.
 
Many rabbis say you can go in water only on Shabbat, but only for holy reasons. What do you do when it's hot outside? You go for a swim in the Mikvah.
Many rabbis don't allow for a dunk in the pool or bathing. It's still an anomaly how my friend's Mikvah in his backyard has a diving board and water slides. But it's a really fun Mikvah. It's not an anomaly why people start to smell real bad at shul Saturday afternoon.
Everybody enjoys going to my friend's Mikvah much more than the community Mikvah. If the rabbis would stop the Chasid from bathing in the community Mikvah on Shabbat, more people might go. Though, it is hard to compete with my friend's cocktail bar.

(Devarim 20:10) When waging war against a city, "propose a peaceful settlement." Which is why we have Efrat, Karnei Shomron, Chamonaim... Along with Beit El and other Yishuvim, there are not many other ideas for a peaceful settlement with those trying to kill us. And thank you for allowing me to be political with our puns today.

Shmuel says (Bava Kama 113a) Dinah Dmalchuta Dinah, “The law of the land is the law.” As such, tax evasion is Asur... Never ask your rabbi a question your accountant can answer.
And this is why I don’t talk to Shmuel anymore. He will kill a decent investment. 

Peninei Halacha (Zemanim 8:6:2-3) says that bathing is allowed during the Three Weeks. So, no excuse for the kids in camp smelling like that.

During the Nine Days we don’t remodel our homes, plant trees for shade or fragrance, or weave clothes... Things you never do, you don’t do during the Nine Days. All the sudden, we're mourning and you're thinking, "I need a new chandelier. A nice lighting fixture would've looked good in the Beit HaMikdash... Now is a good time to weave. Why have I been buying my shirts at Kohl’s? I am going to take up weaving.” I have never seen a Jew plant a tree for shade. I have never seen a Jew weave, other than my aunt who makes amazing quilts. This must be talking about hiring people. Otherwise, there is no reason for this Halacha. And I have never heard of anybody remodeling their home and telling the town they did it. There are certain things you don't tell "the land."
And you don't launder clothes or wear fresh outer clothing. I've seen these kids at summer camp. They're disgusting. There is no way they’re wearing laundered clothes.

We didn’t know laws of Shechita before receiving the Torah, and the Torah was given on Shabbat, and you can’t slaughter on Shabbat, so we eat dairy on Shauvot. Some say the word Chalav, milk in Hebrew, equals forty, the days Moshe was up on Har Sinai... Any reason to eat cheesecake works. I’m fine not justifying it. As long as there is cheesecake, I will celebrate. Why do I eat cheesecake on Shavuot? Because people are making it, and it tastes amazing. I also have a tradition to use whipped cream. I don’t know what the source for that is.
Some say a two-loaf offering was brought in the Temple on Shavuot, so we eat two meals. One dairy and one meat. All good by me. That’s another meal. It's Halachikly acceptable, as long as there is cheesecake. 
 
(Berachos 16a) In order to not take away from their work, employees only recite two Berachas of Birkat Hamazon. This is why people show to work. To get out of benching.
For years I was afraid to eat bread due to the length of the post meal blessing. If I would’ve known I didn’t have to say the whole Birkat Hamazon, I would’ve got a decent job and enjoyed bread all this time. I would’ve contributed to society.

Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Devarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying.
As with a deep ditch, for safety, a rabbi should put a fence around the congregation. At least ten handbreadths high, so the congregants stay away from you. Many are not aware of this, but the first Mechitzahs were built for the whole congregation. To keep them away.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. I am here to answer all questions.
 
Rambam (Hilchot Melachim uMilchamot 6:7) teaches to not siege a city on all four sides. “A place should be left to flee and for all those who desire, to escape with their lives.” This is why committee meetings take place in a room with a door. So, people can escape with their lives.
The Rambam doesn’t give a list of excuses for getting out of meeting, such as “I have to pick up my child from baseball practice.” Or "I am going to renounce my membership if I ever have to see you people again." Those laws were developed later. In committee meetings.

I still felt like I hadn't fulfilled the Mitzvah of Father's Day. With everything from last year, my father still didn’t buy me a flight to fulfill the Mitzvah correctly. If my dad doesn't give me money, how can I do the Mitzvah for him?
So, I needed to find a father in Israel to fulfill the Mitzvah. 

I Need To Fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day
A kind religious Jew noticed me sulking at a bus stop outside the Old City of Jerusalem. "Why would a man be sulking?" he asked. I told him I need a dad. He said, "You're thirty years old. It's time for you to grow up." It was hard hearing that from a six-year-old.
I explained. "I needed a Tateh to fulfill the Mitzvah of Father's Day." The kid said he never learned about the Mitzvah of Father's Day. Which was bothersome. You would think nursery school is the one place they would teach about that.
Another man at the bus stop overheard my whining and told me that in Israel they celebrate Father's Day every day. I let him know I don't have enough money for that many gifts. I also expressed how not happy my father would be if he had to pay for that many gifts for me to buy him.
One man began shouting in prayer form "Avinu SheBashamim" (Gd in Heaven). I found out he had a falling out with his father, and he now only sees H' as his father. Another guy said that Rav Ovodia Yosef is our father in heaven. It turns out he saw the Shas slogan before the last election. I was very confused. And I wasn't going to buy gifts for Rav Ovadia Yosef who had already passed away. As for H', I will bring Him gifts when He rebuilds the Temple.

I Finally Found a Dad
Sitting at the bus stop, I saw a man smack a child on his Tush for not running into the street. I said, "That's a Dad. I finally found one."
The child yelled at his dad. It turns out this family also doesn't celebrate Father's Day. I told the dad about the idea of Father's Day and Mother's Day, and how Americans make sure to make it easier on those parents on those days. And he said to his child, "If this is tradition, today, you watch over yourself." And the dad went to play billiards.
I followed this dad to the pool hall, as his child was stranded at the bus stop in commemoration of Father's Day. I told him he was a great dad. He said, "I don't know you." I told him I was his today. As he left the pool hall and passed by his kid, he made his way to his house. I followed him and he kept asking me to reiterate this concept of not having to watch over your children on this day.
I had just learnt that all Jews are responsible for each other and thus I told him he is responsible to be my dad. He told me, "You're not getting any money." He then kicked me out of his house. To quote: "I never met you. Get out of my house before I shoot you... You're not getting an inheritance from me!"
I left that house and prayed that guy's kid was OK. It's amazing how Mitzvahs can backfire on a stranded eight-year-old.
 
Follow Up Notes
They don't celebrate Father's Day in Israel. The Mitzvah seems to be you're supposed to honor your father every day. That's painful. I told my rabbi I was thinking about going back to America where you don't have to honor your father as much. My rabbi told me the Mitzvah is every day in America too.
My rabbi also said that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah, and somebody should bring that child back to his house. My rabbi ended up reporting that Israeli father for neglect of a third grader.

I found a dad. It was somebody else's. It turns out that his child has to do his own Kibud Av vEim. I can't do it for him. Otherwise, I will get locked up.
 
I still felt it important to follow up with the Israeli father to fulfill extra Kibud Av vEim, and to make sure his child was OK. I sent a card to the Israeli father. He didn't appreciate it as he didn't understand my Hebrew transliterated into English. The card read, "Mah Shlomcha... Ani Choshev Alecha..." I believe it's good he didn't understand the card. It's a good thing he didn't understand, "How are you?... I am thinking about you..." I learned that hose are the last words written on a letter from a serial killer. They might have reported me for stalking. 
I showed up at their house and we had a BBQ and his kids thought it was Independence Day.
I was thinking about buying a Father's Day gift for the Israeli dad, but that didn't happen. I didn't buy the Israeli father a shirt at Fox. Nobody needs to see another Israeli dad walking around in a tight shirt. Walking down the beach in Tel Aviv is already painful enough.

My rebbe later taught me that there is no substitute for your father. I started calling my rabbi, my rebbe. This way I could blame him if I did anything wrong.
"Honor the elderly." That's a precept I learned a few days later. One that you must practice with people that aren't your dad. Hence, I stopped treating other people as my dad. Instead I started treating them as elderly and treated them with the respect one must show our seniors, as the Mitzvah teaches. It turns out that not all fathers in their forties like when you take them by the arm to help them cross the street.
 
From now on, I'm going to call my dad and say "I love you," no matter how awkward it makes our relationship. That will be my Father's Day gift. It's cheaper for my father and less of a hassle than picking out an Israeli dad. It's also easier than traveling back to America for a visit. I don't want them to have to renovate the kitchen every Father's Day, so I can eat in it. I don't know if me starting to keep Kosher is a good Father's Day gift.
After calling my father every day for a week, he told me it's not a Mitzvah to call every day. To quote, "Part of honoring me is not having to hear from you."

(Peninei Halacha, Zemanim 4:5:1-4) It’s a Mitzvah to celebrate when we were saved, like on Yom HaAtzmaut, or when we got out of shul early. You have to celebrate the gifts from Gd. And not having to hear a sermon is one of them... This is why we celebrate Chanukah and Purim. There were no sermons or Chazins on Chanukah and Purim, and we were saved. At least there was no singing in my shul until some of these guys decided that it would be a good idea to pull out a guitar for Hallel.
We celebrate being saved from Mitzrayim, from slavery. Kal vChomer, even more so we must rejoice when we are saved from death. And I sometimes feel the need to hurt a Chazin who goes too long. Hence, we should celebrate getting out of shul early. And that’s how we Halacha is developed. And that’s how drinking schnapps at Kiddish started.

The Chatam Sofer (Yoreh De'ah 233) wouldn't do Lag Bomer parties as there are no new Yom Tovs after the destruction of the Temple. And that’s why birthdays in the Chatam Sofer's house were depressing. The kids were sitting on the floor waiting to build the Third Beit Hamikdash so they could get a decent cake with a number on it. Some of the grandchildren are still waiting to celebrate being ten.
Though, he did say that those who celebrate Lag Bomer with pure intention will be blessed, which now makes it confusing. And I'm stuck between the two, celebrating in an unhappy way.
And I'm now trying to light fires with pure intention, which has people worried.
 
(Shemot 21:15, 17) Cursing one’s parents is punishable by death. So don’t drive behind your mom or dad when they get older. Old people drive slow.
You’re allowed to beep your parents, as long as there is no curse behind the beep. And don’t work for your dad. It’s natural to curse anybody that makes you work. And don't help with chores around the house. That leads to cursing. You take out the garbage to honor your parents, and the next thing you know, you're cursing them for giving you a beautiful life.
 
Jerusalem wasn’t given to a tribe in the times of Yehoshua. It was for all the tribes. Now, the Churches own a good half the land, representing the Christian tribes of Greece, Armenia and Rome. I don't think they were mentioned in the Torah, which must be how they got a great deal on it. Either that or by murder. Which is a great way to save money...
The Jewish tribes are sticking to the Halacha and still don't own it, and thus Jews pay a very high rent, known as mortgage. And they are going to heaven broke.
How mortgage is rent is something even I can't explain. It's one of the many miracles of Yerushalayim. That, and the guy at the Shuk still yelling the price of Rugulach, when he has a sign saying "25nis" right there.

Children should be brought to shul when they know how to behave properly. Which means never. Never bring your kids to shul.
Mishna Berurah 98:3 "Because kids play and dance in shul, and they defame the holiness of the shul, and they also bother people Davening. And also, when they get older, they don't change this bad Minhag (tradition) that they learned when they were kids, to bother everybody and profane the holiness of shul." And now we know why people talk in shul. It's because they used to run around when they were kids.
You should bring them when they reach the age of Chinuch, where they start being able to be educated, which I believe is around thirty. Unless if they're sitting behind me in shul. I don't think there's an age where they don't talk in shul.

(Shulchan Aruch 131:6) We don’t recite the Tachanun on Tu BShvat. That’s true joy. Getting out of Davening. Not having to pray. That’s how a Jew parties. By skipping Tachnun.
 
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for His creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
 
It appears that excessive abuse of alcohol leads to sin, as seen from Noach... Hence, one should not slam their drink on a table after they finish it.

Many Poskim consider snowball making Asur on Shabbis for reasons of building or crushing. And injury that will happen to you if you hit me with one on Shabbis... A lot of anger goes into the formation of Halacha. This is how the modern Posek renders Jewish law. That’s how I learned it.
 
Some say that even on minor fast days, a Baal Nefesh should start the fast the night before. Those rabbis lost their jobs.

Yad Soledet Bo is anywhere from 110 to 180 degrees Fahrenheit. How they found out what burns the hand at 180 degrees... And people say religious Jews aren’t brave.

(Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 1:1) When you wake up, the first thing you should do is place Gd in front of you. You’ll act differently when you place the King of all kings in front of you. If you were doing this right, you'd be sleeping in a suit. Possibly a cloak Maybe a tunic, out of respect. But you're a heretic… This law is not meant for idolaters. Placing little Ken and Barbie dolls in front of your bed defeats the purpose here and it's awkward, even if they are expensive. Even placing a bunch of moisturizers or shoes in front of you, when you wake up, is wrong. The only thing that makes sense is to place Gd in front of you. Anything else, and there's a good chance you'll trip. You might even hurt your feet, especially if you place Lego in front of you.

Speaking Lashon Hara is like ripping a pillow open and letting feathers fly all over. You don’t know where they all go. You can't collect them... Teaching that you can't repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading.
 
(Devarim 24:5) First year of marriage man must be there for his wife to delight her. Then reality sets in. She’s happy when he’s gone.
“When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army.” After the first year, he goes out to battle. It’s better than fighting in the home. Which happens after the first year.
 
(Shabbat 21a) Lighting Chanukah candles is until people finish walking home from the Shuk. Which nowadays is 3am Thursday night... That’s when the parties finish in the Shuk on Thursday nights- you get it.
 
People wanted to know when Chanukah candles are lit. You light them on Chanukah. The fact we have to explain this. You don't light them on Sukkot. I can keep going with this joke...
You should light them from nightfall. If it's Shabbat, you light the Chanukah candles before the Shabbat candles. The Chanukah miracle is not greater than the miracle of Salatim on Challah. Olive oil poured on Chumus Yerushalmi is more miraculous.

Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.

(Ketuvot 10b) One should live in Israel, even in a city full of heathens. This is why I’m a supporter of Tel Aviv. Point the rabbis were making is that anything is better than New York... And all of the sudden they're offended. Even with my support. And every American is asking, "What about Teaneck?"
 
You have to pay a Shadchan if the match works out. The rate is $1K, $1.5K, or $12K if you ask the matchmaker.

(Rambam- Avoda Zara 5:7) A false prophet who commands something Gd did not must be put to death (Devarim 18:20), even if he didn’t add to or diminish from the Mitzvot. Lesson: Don’t share new ideas, even if Gd told you. Don’t fall for that, or you will die.
And this is why I don’t share Chidushim. You will never hear an inspired novel Torah thought from me, because I don’t want to die through strangulation for an idea.

Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18)  'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
I can tell you that being around the kids and the wife does not bring happiness. You need guests to offset having to deal with them.
 
Each Shofar blast must be fully heard. Thus, the congregation must be completely silent. This isn’t going to happen.

Tradition is to whack the Aravot on the ground on Hoshana Rabbah (Sukkah 44b), and then to leave them there. Leaving your mess and other trash in shul at the end of Sukkot works as a positive omen that somebody else will have to clean it up.

(Rambam M’ Sanhedrin 10:1,1) Due to their lack of understanding, to get kids to learn you say, ‘Read and I’ll give you nuts and dates... honey.’ I liken Reese's peanut butter cups to dates. Same health benefits… The Rambam also mentions honey. I’m not a fan of that whole putting it on the Torah. My rabbi put it on the first letter of the Torah and had me lick it. I had a 'Bet' stuck to me tongue for half a year. He then put it on my Chumash, to make it sweet, I could never get those pages apart. He destroyed many Sefarim with the honey.

(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws.
 
A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah.
 
Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage...
Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs.

Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta.
After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement.

You’re not allowed to eat meat or drink wine during the Nine Days (the days of mourning before Tisha BAv) according to Ashkenazi tradition, as food is the one thing that brings a Frum Jew joy. If there’s a Siyum (where somebody finishes a portion of the Oral Law and shares that Simcha with us) you can drink win and eat meat. Listening to someone talk works, as that also causes us pain.
 
During the Three Weeks (leading up to Tisha BAv, which includes the Nine Days because we have a lot of mourning, which is the only thing that makes an Ashkenazi Jew feel better than food) we refrain from joyous activities like weddings, music and dancing, so you can save on gifts.
 
Inter-tribal marriage bans were lifted on Tu BAv. This was pertinent two thousand years ago, when intermarriage was frowned upon. Now, rabbis are trying to come up with a day that Jews celebrate not intermarrying… Known as a Chupah.

(Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 2:1) You learn to fear H’ by realizing how puny you are. How you’re a nothing. How you're worthless. How your parents are still not proud of you.
H' created the world. What did you do today? Stain a deck? H’ sneezed and built a forest. That was a quick second on Day Three. I hope that helps bring up your morale.

Last week we discussed from Moshe to Rambam. We discussed the fights between men and women. Over that time, Rabbi Akiva went away for twenty years to learn Torah, to only come back home and hear his wife. At which point he went away for another twenty years to learn. He heard that nag and ran. Didn't even say 'Hi.'
Since then, over the past thousand years, Halacha has developed with rabbis who have acronyms.
The first rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ran, Rosh, Tur. Nothing is more important than an acronym. Preferably it should start with an 'r.' Rabbeinu Yonah was an anomaly. How he made it without an acronym is studied by historians to this day. Yet, his first name 'Rabbeinu' begins with an 'r.' Most historians have not noted that.

These first rabbis with acronyms were known as commentators. That lasted for a few hundred years till people got sick of the commenting. A lot of commenting. You would be at a Shabbat dinner, they would bring out the Kugel, and a rabbi would say, 'I like that Kugel.' Another rabbi would say, 'It's dry.' Another rabbi would say, 'Why the noodles?' Then they would go into a whole discussion about what Kugel means. That lasted for years, until somebody said, 'Lokshen.' And the argument was over. No more commenting on Kugel, until people started throwing in garlic.

Then Rabbi Yosef Cairo, came along at around the year 1500 CE, and said, 'I will bring all the arguments together, like the Tur did, and come up with a final conclusion.' He came up with the final conclusion in the Shulchan Aruch, saying, 'I will stop all the arguments,' and people argued about that. They had acronyms too. The Taz was a cool rabbi, as he had the coolest acronym. The Rama, a contemporary of Rabbi Cairo and a bit younger, argued on behalf of Ashkenazi Jews. But Rabbi Cairo lived in Tzfat and had a cooler headdress, so they liked him more.
Trying to reconcile the arguments is the foundation of modern-day Halacha. And reconciliation leads to a lot of fights.

So, Ashkenazim started arguing with Ashkenazim.
Chasidim and Misnagdim started fighting. The fight started when one rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then another rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then a student said, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' And students went back and forth, saying, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' Some even said, 'My rebbe is better than yours.' That lasted almost as long as the fights with the wives. A good two hundred years of arguing and fighting. 
Then somebody noted, 'We're all Jewish. We've all let down our parents.' That's when Jews started singing and playing guitar. The Misnagdim noticed that Chasidim had some decent songs, so they called them Jewish again.
Arguments continued, but with less yelling. We had Chasidim and Misnagdim, and so came the Halacha known now as 'a rabbi will support you.' Which many people use to this day when making decisions as to whether or not they can eat Kitniot on Pesach (Kitniot are legumes- I hope that helps).
Now Chasidim argue with Chasidim and nobody trusts anybody else. Which is why we have what is known as Hashgacha (kosher supervision).

Another couple hundred or so years went by and rabbis started asking questions about this new thing called electricity. Being the traditional souls they were, they argued over electric current by candlelight. A lot of yelling took place with these arguments, due to somebody not filling up enough oil in the lamp.

One rabbi, known as the Chafetz Chayim, came along and talked a lot about not talking Lashon Hara about people. He killed every decent conversation. He was one of those 'let's not hate each other' rabbis, which killed his street cred at the time, so nobody called him rabbi. Just Chafetz Chayim.

Then came the worst thing known to Jewish leaders since exile, the crockpot. The anger was palpable. 'You're cooking on Shabbis.' 'But I'm not.' 'But you are.' 'What's considered cooking on Shabbis?' 'I don't know.' 'Then why are you yelling at me?' 'Because I'm religious.' 'Shabbis doesn't start for another half hour.'
Rabbi Shlomo Zalmen Auerbach ZT"L decided, 'We need a Sefer about Shabbis.' He called it Shmirat Shabbat KeHilchata.
Now people yell about people not following Shemirat Shabbat KeHilchata right.

Some rabbi at an NCSY youth convention decided to spread the idea that it's really important to not touch the opposite sex. This law, known as Shomer Negiah, kept the people single. Which led to Halachik discourse as to whether or not women need men.

More acronyms developed. Now, in order to be a rabbi you need the acronyms before your name. I'll put these in Hebrew. I figured that should be just as hard to understand as transliterated acronyms.
גאב"ד- גאון אב בית דין
ראב"ד- ראש אבות בית דין
אבדק"ק- אב בית דין דקהילה קדושה
אדמו"ר- אדונינו מורינו ורבינו
רשכבה"ג- רבן של כל בני הגולה
הרה"ד- הרב הגאון
כבו"ק- כבוד קדושת
הרה"ק- הרב הקדוש
הרה"צ- הרב הצדיק
הגה"צ- הגאון הצדיק
הרה"ח (הגה"צ)- הרב החסיד
And those are just a few of the acronyms that must come before a rabbi's name, if he's important. Sometimes, it takes twelve minutes to call up a rabbi in acronym form. If you have all of these before your name, you've made it, and you can now tell people they're wrong.
Sometimes the Israelis leave out the Kabook acronym, because people think they're going to bring out coated peanuts. Which makes them more excited than seeing the rabbi.
To be a greater rabbi, you need an acronym after your name too. Best known one is Shlita. שליט"א- שיחיה לאורך ימים טובים אמן. If your name is not followed by a Shlita, have you truly made it?
After the rabbi has gone to Olam Haba (the world to come), they must have a ZT"L. At least a ZT"L. This is if you want to decipher Halacha after you have passed away.
And now, we only listen to Halachik decisions of rabbis who've passed away with many acronyms.
Note: Please accept my apology for leaving out many acronyms. Since this article has been released, many Talmidim (students) have proven their rabbi greater with more acronyms that were not privy to us when putting out this article. 

If we learned anything, you don't listen to a rabbi who teaches you Halacha, if he has a name that people know him by other than rebbe and if he doesn't have acronyms.

Now, due to Halacha, Jewish men run out of their homes three times a day, to pray. And for Rosh Hashana, they've found a way to leave the country and go to Uman, just to get away from their wives. 'It's Halacha!'

Halacha, Jewish law, developed over many years of arguing.

It started when Moshe received the word of Torah from H'. Moshe passed down the word of Gd to his students, who argued. They passed it down to their students, who argued, who passed it down to their students who argued about what they argued. A lot of arguing for many years, until Jews got exiled.
Yehoshua may have argued with himself before passing it to the elders. I am not sure if Moshe commanded him to argue.

The exiled Jews stopped arguing. Maybe they didn't. They still argued, just that nobody was there to listen to their bickering. So, we don't know what they argued about it. Sources do teach that one argument had was where Rafi accused Baruch saying, 'It's because of you we ended up here.' To which Baruch wondered, 'How did we get here.'

Somehow, this arguing ended up in the Mishna. They took the arguments and jotted them down in notes, short-form. For some reason, nobody thought that shorthand might cause more arguments. So, all of the students started arguing over what the notes meant. Somehow, this ended up as the Gemara, where they argued over the arguments and gave each other advice on how to avoid having to deal with their wives.
Then rabbis argued about the Gemara. Which is why we have shuls.

Now the arguments with the wives started.
The rabbis did whatever they could to avoid talking to their wives. They went on long walks to bathhouses, they spent time with Lebanon cedars, and they even involved themselves in war with the Romans, just to get out of the house.
They spent most of their time complaining about having to deal with what they called 'the old lady.' They theorized about why the old twenty-year-old ladies wouldn't stop whining about socks left on the floor. After much discussion the rabbis decided women are ignorant.
The theory of wives being ignorant all started when one of Rabbi Akiva's students noticed that his wife used an elephant tusk to clean the laundry, instead of dandelions. Huge arguments took place. One wife got mad at her husband, she even called him 'Ben Zoma.' She said, 'You, Ben Zoma.' A point of contention which everybody discusses at Pesach, even to this day. Well, I believe it was Ben Zoma (not sure). Well, let's just say he and his wife had a spat about when to leave on Pesach vacation to the Beit HaMikdash (the Holy Temple). He thought the house should still be cleaned before heading to the Temple. Almost broke up the marriage.

For hundreds of years, much of the day was spent trying to figure out new ways to tell their wives they had to be separated. They focused on Nidas. If their wife was impure, they could get away from them. Words like 'Veset,' a red stain which would consider the wife impure for extra time, were discussed on the daily. Anything close to red, they found a way to call it a Veset. They had green Vesets. Purple Vesets. All red. Metallic grey? They found a way to call it a Veset. They found a colorblind rabbi to ensure they would have more time out of the house. More time to hang out with the guys.
One rabbi came in after witnessing his wife going crazy during what we call the Nida time of the month, to this day known as 'that time of the month.' He said, 'Thank Gd I am not a woman.' And the rabbis all concurred, 'That's in excellent Bracha.' 'We'll use that blessing.'

Somehow, the wives heard about this. One of the rabbis, known as the first whistleblower, told his wife that she's not allowed to learn Gemara and they can't talk too much, because she's ignorant. This rabbi was put in excommunication for his stupidity. Upon excommunication it was said, 'We told you it's forbidden to speak to women.'
Around a thousand years of arguments with women took place, due to this rabbi's stupidity. This is why we don't have much more Torah discussed, other than stories, known as Midrash, until the turn of the millennium at around 1,100 CE. At that point, the rabbis said that women are not stupid, it is just that they're closer to Gd. The women, being stupid, went for that. And now the rabbi could start getting back to arguing about Halacha.
It was at that moment that the law of ‘Peace in the House’ was developed, so that guys could run out of the house without a fight.

Then a lot of rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ritva, Rashba. Your acronym had to start with an 'r' for people to respect you.

We shall continue next week with modern Halachic development.

Law 1-2: You learn to love and fear Gd by recognizing how not important you are. I hope that makes you feel good today.

Law 1: You must love and fear H'. It's a Mitzvah. You have to do Mitzvahs. Why do you have to do Mitzvahs? Because H' said so.
Look at Devarim chapter 6, verses 5 and 13. Maybe try saying the Shema and then learning Pasuk 13 too. Gd tells you should do that too.
You have to love Gd. Why? Gd tells you. It would be good if I know about this years back, when dating somebody I liked. I told her, 'You should love me, because I told you to love me.' If I would've told her, 'Gd told you to love me,' that might have worked. If she was a good Gd fearing Jew.
I fear I'll get in trouble if I don't love Him. That's where my fear comes from.

Law 2: You end up loving H’ when you realize how great He is. When you notice His great deeds and how there is no end to His greatness, you desire to know more. This is not like loving a human. When you see how much my congregants have messed up, when you see how none of them put more than a dollar in the Tzedakah box, when you see how bad Kiddish is, you do not desire to know them at all. You desire to get out of there.
You need a reason to love. With Gd, it's His Greatness that you want to connect to. With a potential spouse, it's to get your parents off your back.

You desire to know more. That is love. I think we just defined it. Years of trying to figure out what love is, I think we just figured it out. The Rambam just said it. Through appreciation for H’s greatness, you learn to love Him. It’s a desire to know more.
I can tell you that I have been around many women that I have not desired to know more. For many, it's the wife.
I believe this is where the shadchanim/matchmakers get it from. This is what they mean when you are not attracted to somebody and they say, ‘You will learn to love them.’ They are telling you that you will desire to know more. After time, you learn to admire them due to their unattractive appearance. You start to love the ugliness you married. You will then desire to know why you made such a bad decision.
You know how those parents talk about their ugly kids like they're beautiful, saying stuff like 'you're beautiful'? They're lying.

Then you realize how tiny you are. A little puny man.
Fear comes through realizing how small you are. H’ said, 'Let there be a world,' and there was a world. It appeared. You requested some orange juice with your breakfast and the waiter still hasn’t brought it.
Fear of H' is different. It is a fear of love. If I fear somebody, it's because they're tyrants and I'm worried I'm going to get shot. That's not love. And that is not fear of them. That's fear of losing my life or money. I have to stop hanging out with these people. It's different with parents. They might be tyrants, who made me do homework throughout my childhood. They also made me sit down for dinner with the family. Even so, I fear them and love them because they support me, financially. It's a fear and love with Gd. That's why I say that prayer for Parnasa (a good living).

A tiny, lowly, and dark creature, standing with his flimsy, limited, wisdom before He who is of perfect knowledge.
Kind of makes you feel worse than sitting through a Shidduch pitch from a matchmaker, where they tell you how not handsome you are.
Meditate on how great H' is. Do it for a minute or two. Now think about yourself. Didn't accomplish much. Did you? H' brought the world into being. What have you done today? You stained the deck. Gd just sneezed and built a forest.
Kind of makes you think. Maybe fear Him. This isn't a competition with Gd, who decided to create the heavens and earth with a couple of words. You can't even build a Popsicle stick house right.
When you understand how puny you are, you fear Him. Until now, I never fully understood the Musar, the moral lessons, Hons and Franz were giving over.
Now you understand why you have to fight with fools to get to the potato kugel at Kiddish.

Ahh. That was a good learning session of the Rambam. I feel like a nothing. An absolute nothing, right now.
And I got rejected by a woman, even though I told her to love me. Didn’t work. As she said, ‘You’re not Gd.’ And then I told her, ‘You’re ugly.’

On Shavuot, it's tradition to stay up all night because we overslept when receiving the Torah and there’s cheesecake. When serving H', there are priorities. (The Ari and Shir Hashirim Rabbah)
 
Going to Yerushalayim for a Chag ‘don’t appear before H’ empty handed' (Devarim 16:16). Be a decent guest and bring a brisket. Nobody likes guests who show up with nothing. If you're going to Gd's house, bring a lamb for dinner. Something enjoyable. Something decent. Gd doesn't need a raspberry Danish. I don't think anybody needs a raspberry Danish. I believe bringing that for dinner makes for Sinat Chinam. Probably the reason the Second Temple was destroyed.
 
Covering food with something like a shirt, that doesn’t add heat, can be done before Shabbat, if you’re fine smelling like choolante.
This is called Hatmana and can't be done on Shabbat. Otherwise, everybody would be rubbing their clothes all over their food trying to make it edible. To Note: Cooking with clothing is not suggested. It can be very expensive. Especially when cooking with Charles Tyrwhitts.
I've always wondered why people come to shul with that musty smell on Shabbis day.
 
(Yehoshua 1:8) ‘This Sefer Torah shall not be removed from your mouth. And you shall speak of it day and night… In order that you guard it to do all that is written in it. For then your ways will be successful and you will become smart.’ From here we learn that you should talk to annoying people who go on and on, if they’re talking Torah. And the best way to make money is to learn. Working will not make you money. Smart people know this.

Some people have a tradition of showing up to shul late on the 33rd day of the Omer. Because it‘s Lag BOmer. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? To lag. Lag BOmer. Lagging. Showing up late. Taking your time. ‘Lag‘ in Lag BOmer is not pronounced that way, yet it still works - the value of the written word of pun.
 
The rabbi told them to only do a few Mitzvahs. The rav explained, 'The Torah said "decrees."' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Decrees. Decrease. He misunderstood. They‘re different words and pronounced differently. But it's still a pun and brilliant. As we again share with you the value of the written word. Education.
 
The government closed my bank account and told me 'relax.' They said 'Eekool.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Be cool. Eekool. In Hebrew it sounds the same. If an Israeli was saying it, it would be exactly the same. I heard this pun from an Israeli ventriloquist. An Eekool is when a government agency shuts your bank account in Israel. They think it‘s cool.
 
What do you tell someone who almost did a Mitzvah? Close but no Schar. (Mordechai)
You get it? Close but no cigar is the usual saying. Schar means reward. Cigar and Schar sound almost similar. Thus, education. Not just almost a pun. And we take pride in this.
 
How do you know the food H' gave the Jews in the desert didn’t stay warm on Shabbis? Cause that would be Hot-manna. (Mordechai)
You get it? Manna is the food in the desert. Not hot-manna. Just manna. And there is more to this pun. Hotmanna is covering a pot to keep food warm on Shabbat. You can't do that on Shabbat. You can only do it before Shabbis. Manna, Hotmanna. Sounds the same. Manna in Hotmanna is part of the word, not food. Another pun of education. A pun that teaches the youth.

A member of the shul locked themselves in the rabbi's office and asked a lot of questions that bothered the rabbi. They were committeed. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Committed, as in a crime. Or committed to an asylum. The crime here is being part of a committee. Committeed.
 
Objectors of Aaron and Moshe wrapped Charoset and Maror with Matzah to put on a frying pan, blaming it on Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korech on Pesach is the wrapping of Matzah with Charoset... Korach was the leader against Moshe and Aaron. Korach sounds like Korech. Almost. It's close. Another chance to teach the children.

Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.

It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook.

H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing.

According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by.

When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family.

Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision.

All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school.

I just started learning about Kibud Av vEim, honoring my parents, and I've messed up already. It's about to be Father's Day and I'm in Israel. Now what do I do?

​I Have Tried to Show Respect
I recently became more religious and told my parents I have to move to Israel, and they have to pay for me to live in Israel, because that's what my rabbi told me. Then, I told them that I can't eat their food anymore. I did this for my parents. I didn't want them to get an Aveirah. I didn't want them to sin. I believe I said that with respect. 'Mom. I can't eat your food anymore. I love your lasagna and quiches. I just don't want your food to land me in Gehenim.'
Last time I went home, I told my parents they can't watch TV on Shabbat. I am trying to make them better Jews, but they still insist on calling me Brian. I told them to never call me that again, or my Hebrew name, lest they say Gd's name in vain. And I did all of that in the name of the Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim.
My parents told me they didn't like this new concept of Kibud Av vEim. But I insisted I have to honor them. So, they told me the best way to honor them was to not be annoying and to leave. It turns out they don't like the name Mikakel. And they said that Kaleekaku sounds wrong.
All said and done, this Father's Day I was stuck trying to figure out what to do.

My Dad is in America
I left home to go to Yeshiva in Israel. My parents appreciated that. Check for Kibud Av vEim. They had an extra room in the house to use for what they wanted. I gave them that. Check for Kibud Av vEim. So, they got a hammock put it in my room and threw out all my stuff. They expressed how appreciative they were of me leaving the house by also telling me that I won't have a place to stay when I visit. I feel like I showed a great amount of Kibud Av vEim by bringing them such great joy. I believe that when I stay at the hotel on my next visit, it will give them more room to relax and read on Shabbat. It will also give my mom extra time to make the oven Kosher for me. I think the Mitzvah is bringing our family closer.
I called my parents to say I wanted to visit for Father's Day. My father insisted I don't and said I brought him so much more Nachis from Israel. He didn't consider him having to pay for my flight from Israel to be a Father's Day gift.

What should I get my dad?
Give dad money. After much thought I realized dad doesn't want me thinking about what he needs. He just needs money for a new drill bit.
The problem is that I get my money from my Abba. My rabbi told me it's OK for my dad to pay for me while I'm learning Torah. I told my dad that this will ensure him a place in heaven. It turns out that my dad doesn't care about heaven very much. Right now he just wants some money. He is more worried about paying the mortgage in Frankville, AR.
I took all his money from him when I was a child. I was a good athlete and that is expensive. Which is why he gives me a look. It's a cynical angry look of love. When I see him, I don't know if he wants to shoot me or hug me. My friends in Yeshiva tell me all of their dads give them the same look. It means they love you. If your dad paid for your day school education, that is why he gives you that look.
After much thought and Torah, I decided I should give my dad a call. He pays for that bill too.
I called my dad. I let my dad know how much I love him and made things awkward between the two of us. There was 'love' and then silence. Love kind of made that relationship uncomfortable. 

Where Can I Find a Dad?
I realized I didn't have a dad in Israel. I wanted to show immediate joy to a father on this Father's Day.
I went to the stores. Tried to find a dad. I went to Fox. Dads don't shop at Fox. The shirts come too tight. I went to Shmulik's Hardware and Chumus. I went to Melech HaFalafel. They do not sell dads.
One shopkeeper was quite bothered by my idea of selling dads and insisted slavery was wrong and that the Torah never spoke of selling dads.
It was then that I realized you can't purchase or adopt dads. You can only adopt kids. I was stuck with mine. I told my dad I would write him a letter for Father's Day and he asked, 'Am I going to have to pay for that too?'

Follow Up Notes
I hope me and my dad can work through the love the next time I visit. It was a hard one. The statement 'I love you' is a very uncomfortable situation to work through. I hope we can overcome that.
My rabbi later taught me that Father's Day is not a Mitzvah. Honoring your father is a Mitzvah, and that must be done every day. I started calling my dad all the time. He didn't like that.
My rabbi then taught me that I have to honor him as well. This honor thing is getting to be a bit much. My father can't afford it.
I just saw an Israeli man in a really tight shirt. It was a bothersome moment for which I feel I must do Teshuva. Some Israeli men do shop at Fox. It was almost as bad as my first visit to the beach in Netanya. A horrific sight I went to the Mikveh for. I am still asking H' for forgiveness. No matter how religious I grow to become, I will never go to an all-male beach again. 

Lesson
Love your dad no matter how far away you are. Not having to pay for you to visit will make them happy.
Honor your father. Honor the one that gives you life. There is no substitute. You can't pick up a dad. These men don't want to have to pay for more people. You can't buy a dad. That's not a good use of money and they might lock you up for that.
The guilt I feel for not fulfilling this Mitzvah on Father's Day, though it's not a special Mitzvah is enormous. So much guilt. I believe that is the lesson of Father's and Mother's Day. Feel bad. Feel like you didn't do enough. I truly pray my father is able to put aside enough money for me to fulfill Kibud Av vEim the right way next Father's Day.

Law 12: It's Just a Visual - Not a Lie

Since H' is not affected by the physical world. All of the stuff in the Torah and Navi is just metaphor and image. Did the Rambam just say the Torah is lying?! No. The Rambam is saying we're idiots and we can't understand anything other than baseball, how to match two shades of blue that don't clash, and anything about a car other than how it works.

H' doesn't laugh. H' doesn't cackle. There is no snort coming out when you make a joke. H' is not amused. H' is. He is just is. He is not amused by the joke about the guy eating non-kosher because of how apples are served. Especially because He heard well over three million times.
If you're offended that I am calling H' a He and not a She, H' doesn't care.

(Shemot 3:14) 'I am who I am.' H' wants to be known to us as this. Otherwise, we'll start asking Him questions, wanting to hang out. And that won't make H' happy. Why? Because H' just is and it can get annoying hanging out with you at the bar and watching you get Shikur. He figures that if we are confused we won't be as annoying, and we'll aske less questions.
'I am who I am.' That's skirting a question if I have ever seen it. I would never be able to get away with this. People ask me what I'm working in now. 'I am me.' 'No. Rabbi David is unemployed.'

(Malachi 3:6) 'I, Gd, have not changed.' That says it all. He doesn't get happy or mad. H' is always H'. I feel like I am sinning defining H' by saying He is not definable.
I wish they would've taught me this stuff in elementary school. I would've cared less about not knowing stuff. Come to think of it, my lack of listening in class had me understanding H' a lot better than those fools getting straight 'A's. 
'I have not changed.' The last time I heard that was when that girl broke up with me. I believe she was blaming me for that breakup.

This physical stuff and emotion affect people. It is for the dark and low beings.
H' is above all this. He is exalted. H’ just gets bothered by you.
If you felt good, just know you're a dark and lowly creature. A creature who is affected by pettiness and bathroom humor.
What am I supposed to do? How do I relate to H'? We are not here for answers. We are here to confuse you.

Now that we can relate to H' through metaphor it's good to know that He is not affected by what you do or think - and that is a metaphor. That should help with your prayers this morning.
I am beginning to think that saying 'metaphor' is like saying 'psyche.' So did the Torah say it or did the Torah not say that H' has an outstretched arm?! Then how did H' take us out of Egypt? That wasn't a metaphor. The Rambam better deal with this in the next chapter or I will metaphorically stop learning. I am sure the Raavad has something to say about this.

Now that we have finished the chapter teaching us that everything we thought about Gd is not true. And that all of our connection with H' is based on a physical world that H' is not affected by. Have a great Shabbis. And be on time to shul. You should use it as a time to connect with H'.
And remember H' rested on the seventh day. Oh shoot. That's a metaphor. Now I'm confused.
And I wasted twelve years in school learning about how I can make H' happy by doing Mitzvahs and how I usually make H' mad. 

Now that it is clear that we cannot define H', we will move onto chapter two and define H' and our relationship to Him more.

Lesson:
We're meant to follow in H's ways. How do you become exalted? Be very much not you. And practice Mitzvot. That's how you end a good Dvar Torah - Learn Torah and do Mitzvahs. If you do that, H' will probably not care. He definitely won't get all emotional about it.
I know the Rambam is going to say something about Mitzvahs being the way to make this physical world exalted and godly. He's got to. I really hope the Rambam doesn't stop here. Oh shoot. I am worried he stops here. There is no cliffhanger. 

The physical stuff is petty. It's fleeting. That's my take. I'm finished for now. I'm going to go work out. Hit the weights. Try to get in shape.
And I am still trying to figure out how H' took us out of Mitzrayim with an outstretched arm. Could one arm have freed a whole people from slavery? Just one arm?! I will think of that while doing some squats to connect to H'.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how a Frum Jew looks when vacationing, admiring Frum toilets, while David complains about children giving Tzedakah with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames that teach Mitzvot.