On Shavuot, it's tradition to stay up all night because we overslept when receiving the Torah and there’s cheesecake. When serving H', there are priorities. (The Ari and Shir Hashirim Rabbah)
 
Going to Yerushalayim for a Chag ‘don’t appear before H’ empty handed' (Devarim 16:16). Be a decent guest and bring a brisket. Nobody likes guests who show up with nothing. If you're going to Gd's house, bring a lamb for dinner. Something enjoyable. Something decent. Gd doesn't need a raspberry Danish. I don't think anybody needs a raspberry Danish. I believe bringing that for dinner makes for Sinat Chinam. Probably the reason the Second Temple was destroyed.
 
Covering food with something like a shirt, that doesn’t add heat, can be done before Shabbat, if you’re fine smelling like choolante.
This is called Hatmana and can't be done on Shabbat. Otherwise, everybody would be rubbing their clothes all over their food trying to make it edible. To Note: Cooking with clothing is not suggested. It can be very expensive. Especially when cooking with Charles Tyrwhitts.
I've always wondered why people come to shul with that musty smell on Shabbis day.
 
(Yehoshua 1:8) ‘This Sefer Torah shall not be removed from your mouth. And you shall speak of it day and night… In order that you guard it to do all that is written in it. For then your ways will be successful and you will become smart.’ From here we learn that you should talk to annoying people who go on and on, if they’re talking Torah. And the best way to make money is to learn. Working will not make you money. Smart people know this.

Staying up all night on Shavuot is the greatest quandary of the Jewish people, other than how to not starve when not eating for eight hours of a fast day. Much discussion has been had about fast days, and many have concluded that eating a pie and a half of pizza will help with the severe hunger resulting from skipping a meal. Even so, we still struggle to figure out how to stay up all night on Shavuot.
To stay up all night, people have tried the sleep for three days before Shavuot method. However, they found that they liked sleeping and went to sleep Shavuot night as well. In the past we've suggested dairy, to stay up by way of cheese and stomach issues. Preferably heartburn. We've also suggested the caffeine method, along with Ritalin and speed for those too young to drink Coca-Cola. Health comes first. We do not suggest stunting the growth of a child. And then we've suggested activities such as wrestling and learning, and we learned that learning is the worst way to stay up. Today, we shall now focus on a few Socializing Methods of staying up Shavuot night for those who find it more meaningful to not learn Torah.

Talk to People
Best to do this in the Shiur. If I wasn’t talking and snoring during that class, I would've fallen asleep. My snoring keeps me up by way of people hitting me.
We have to receive the Torah together on Shavuot. For that reason, talking to people is like learning. It is part of the communal acceptance of the Torah. Which is why people talk in shul. Tradition. When Moshe was giving over the commandments at Sinai you cannot tell me that people weren't talking in the back.
Anybody who shushes you, because they want to listen to the Shiur, doesn’t understand the spirit of the holiday. If they do shush you, in the spirit of the holiday, tell them to to shut up and go to Gehenim.
 
Meet A Potential Spouse
If you're single, this is your chance to get somebody to like you. When people are tired, judgment may be impaired. This is why Shavuot in big cities is used by single people to got to shul and not learn.
You may not want to employ conversation when using the Potential Spouse Method of awakeness. Dialogue with your potential spouse may kill any chance you have with her. You want to surprise them with your stupidity once you get married.
If you see the women going to Shiur, then you go to the class. Act interested and they may think you know something, and you might have a Shidduch. Don't ask any questions. Even impaired people recognize dumb.
The only time I learned on Shavuot night was the time I met a good Jewish woman. It was 3am and she was walking into the women’s Torah study session. I sat in the session, shaking my head a lot, and she thought I was very knowledgeable. I was sleeping and kept on waking up when my head fell. She thought I was agreeing with the rabbi. After Shavuot, she got some sleep, we got together, she started some sophisticated conversation about Torah and the importance of learning, and our relationship was over.

Go to the Kotel
In Jerusalem you can walk to the Kotel. You can talk to people there. You can even meet a spouse, if you're one of those creepy people who stares over the Mechitzah. I've done it. It works. You can also talk to people during Davening there. I've done that too. You can also wrestle at there, in the back plaza. If you're looking to get a Shulchan (table at the Kotel used to hold the Torah), wrestling will be necessary.
As we learned on Yom Yerushalayim, you definitely won't fall asleep at the Kotel. Jerusalem stone is not comfortable.
If you live outside of Jerusalem I don't suggest walking to the Kotel. That may turn Shavuot into a six day Chag. Staying up for more than two days straight can be taxing. Instead, go for a really long walk in your city. The further you are from your home, the less likely you are to fall asleep. Check out your city's crime rate map. The greater percentage of homicides a neighbor offers, the more likely you are to stay up.

Lessons
Shiurs only keep people awake if you're talking. Which is why many people become rabbis.
Definitely don't learn Torah when staying up Shavuot night to receive the Torah. Learning Torah will chase people away.
If you get caught in a Shiur, only learn Torah if it will attract a lady. For this you must judge the woman and the frumpiness of her clothes. Frumpy is the dress of good Frum girls.

I was at a friend's house and noticed that they had no books out. The house did not look Jewish. They had a gazebo. It looked a bit like a Sukkah without walls or Schach. Could've been Jewish, but it wasn't. You want your house to be Jewish, you need Sefarim (books). You need books that look Jewish.
They had a computer. They said the Torah is on it. I didn't see it. I saw an apple on it. No matter how much you use Sefaria, a computer does not look like a Sefer. They had some of those modern books about Jewish recipes. Those don't look like a Sefer. So, how should a Jewish book look? That is the question and we shall answer that for my friend.

Dark Blue, Maroon or Brown
All books should be brown. A maroonish brown that looks a bit dark blue in the sun. Grey is not a religious color. Your books should not be green. No fluorescent colors either, unless if you're crossing the street with them at night.

Gold Trimming On The Cover
Very important. Gold trimming looks religious. It encases the book in religion. I don't know how gold trimming became religious. Nonetheless, it's the most Frum thing in our religion next to using tinfoil. Feldheim might be behind this.

Inside Should Look Old
It should look like it was written eight hundred years ago, and been through every war the Jewish people have endured. It should look like it's been carried through battle.
If it's new, you should've spilled coffee on it already.

No English
Just Hebrew books. You should not understand what you're reading. Good Jews have a penchant for reading stuff they don't understand, and that makes them feel good. It brings happiness and connects them with Gd.
Aramaic is allowed, as it's written in Hebrew and you don't understand it. Same with Yiddish. Yiddish written in English, Asur.
You can have English for Kiruv reasons. Kiruv is bringing Jews closer to Yiddishkeit. Now I have to translate Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is Judaism. For Kiruv reasons, you can also have a TV, a computer, and hit the dance clubs.

No Pictures on The Cover
Is this a Tom Clancy novel? No. It's Torah.
If you have a kids' section to your library this is fine. For Kiruv reasons, you can have a book with pictures too. Non-educated Jews need pictures.
If it's a story about a rebbe the book can be in English and you're allowed to have a picture on the cover. This is a Heter (exemption) the rebbes came up with. Nonetheless, all pictures in the book should be in black and white, and everybody should have a beard.

Kippahs on All Pictures
Kids' books should only have pictures of boys with Kippahs. We're educating the next generation here. If the child isn't Jewish, they should have a Kippah. All shopkeepers should have Kippahs as well. Even if you're not used to seeing Frum Jews work on cars, the mechanic has a yarmulke. Flight attendants have Kippahs. Factory staff has yarmulkes, even if it's not a Matzah factory. Your child should not be exposed to non-yarmulke people, even in written form.

Books Numbered by Daily Readings
As you've adopted a Kiruv section into your library, you have found a way to make it permissible to have English Sefarim.
All English books should be written in day order. Frum Jews don't read in chapters or pages. We're not good with decisions. We read in day form. This is the reason for the new industry of day readers. It all started with Daf Yomi.
Books shouldn't have readers trying to figure out how much to read. It gets very complicated trying to figure out how much you should accomplish in a day. Your Sefarim should give that information to you. It's Bitul Zman (wasting time) trying to figure out how much you should learn in an afternoon. You might end up reading a chapter, and then you're stuck having figuring out what to do tomorrow. It's a nightmare. One should never know of such things. It all leads to Bitul Zman.

All Books Need Haskamas
Also known as a letter of approbation. I used English here to make it harder to understand. And that is why this article is OK to read.
Haskamas allow you to read the book. The less pages of authored work the better. You want at least fifty percent of the book to be permission to read the book. If it's a really good Jewish text, the whole work should be Haskamas. This is why I don't learn Torah. There are no Haskamas.
If it's a kids' book, be sure to have it Haskamas with pictures and Kippahs.
The real question is if you should read the part of the book that is not Haskamas. I have told my congregants that is Asur.

If all you have is a computer, make sure it's a maroonish brown color.

All of the Torah. All of it offends them. With that said...
I went to a class this week about relationships in the Torah. That wasn't a good idea. The rabbi didn't think about how much Torah can turn people off to Torah. Anything about relationships is offensive to the kids. The rabbi should have just quoted The Giving Tree. The young ones would've been offended by people using the tree, but they wouldn't have blamed God for it.
I have seen that modern day people can't hear Torah stuff mixed with the modern day. They will be offended. Let's call these annoying members of the congregation that are offended, millennials, or Michael and his friends.
These are Torah statements I have heard, what I saw, and some of the reactions of millennials.

Man has to Provide Food, Clothing and Marital Relations To His Wife
Millennial Thoughts: This is offensive. Women don't need men for families. They can feed themselves too. They have hands. Men should provide nothing. They shouldn't have wives. Marriage is offensive. Torah is offensive. Families are offensive. Can’t believe they had families back then.

Be Fruitful and Multiply
Millennial Thoughts: We are killing the environment. And how do people breed fruit? I heard the stork story, but nobody births an apple.
Millennial Thoughts: Now you are saying women need kids too. Offensive.

Men Make More Money Than Woman
This offends them too. It's a fact. And facts are offensive, even if they're not in the Torah. Don't mention facts. You have to argue against them without talking about them, or you will offend the children.
You mention this fact, they are offended. You say you are against this, they're still mad at you. If you say, 'Men shouldn't make more money,' they are offended. Why? I don't know. It happened at Kiddish.
Millennial Thoughts: Don't share any Torah or facts with me, until you change them.

Slave
Millennial Thoughts: You're not allowed to say 'slave.' 'Servant' is offensive too. You say 'butler.' They're butlers that didn't get paid, and were not allowed to leave their masters.

Slavery
They hear the word 'slavery' and conversation is over. They skip that part of the Torah. Forget about the whys and hows of a Jewish slave. Skip Shemot.
Millennial Thoughts: This offends me. No idea why, but I am offended. Things were not different back then, so please don't talk about slavery anymore. I am going to skip Pesach this year.

Father Sells His Daughter to Slavery
Between us, I have seen these single millennials. I am not pro-slavery. I am against slavery. However, if dads were selling their daughters, it would be a lot easier for people to meet. It would solve the Shidduch crisis.
Millennial Thoughts: Mothers should sell their children to slavery... Why do dads get to sell their children? I don't care if it turns into marriage, or that we don't do it anymore, it offends me.

Yitzchak Was Forty, Rivka Was Three
The kids can't accept that times have changed. They still don't know that people used to drive station wagons.
The fact that people were riding camels back then, for transportation, doesn't phase them. They believe Avraham had a decent sewer system and electricity.
They are taught everything in century twenty-one terms. The think the Crusaders flew first class and went through security check. TSA confiscated their pocket knives. Then they went in to kill the Jews.
Millennial Thoughts: She should've been sold to slavery. And I am offended.

Anything in Bereishit
Teach anything in Bereishit and they are offended.
Millennial Thoughts: We did not come from Adam. Did a man write the Torah? Not the point. We don't come from women either. Is God a man or a woman... He has to be one of those. If He isn't, I don't get it. And I am offended.

Yaakov Had Four Wives
Two, four. Whatever you want to call it. Back then. Men had more than one wife.
Millennial Thoughts: No he didn't... Well. That is disgusting... In Jordan, it's fine. That's their society. That doesn't offend me. What bothers me is that they did it three thousand years ago. Torah offends me and wives are offensive.

Concubines
Oh shoot. Never say that.

Shemot
Don't teach them about consequences. Consequences offend them too.
Millennial Thoughts: If I knock out an eye, I shouldn't be responsible for that. It was their eye. Consequences offend me.

If You Damage Something You Have to Pay For It
But it was an accident. You hit somebody else and they die, means you have to give them another chance, to these kids.
Millennial Thoughts: Accountability is offensive. If they burn down somebody's house, let them know to not doing it again. If you let people know to not do it again, that is enough.

Men and Women Have Different Roles
Oh! No!

Men Don't Give Birth
They should.

Men Should Pay for the Date
That's chauvinistic. 

Men Shouldn't Pay for the Date
How dare you say that.

You Should Get Married
'I can do this by myself. I don't need a man.'

You Should Do What You Want
'I need to get married. I can't find a good man.'

Men Are Attracted To Looks
Never start anything with this statement. The modern day men are not attracted to anything. 
The whole 'beauty of appearance' of Sarah, and Rachel, and Tziporah, and every other good looking woman in the Torah, we've got to nix that stuff. At least it should only mean beauty of the soul. That had beautiful souls. Our forefathers were attracted to good looking souls.
Millennial Thoughts: I am offended. The cartoon depiction of Tziporah and Miriam in Prince of Egypt is offensive. Good looking caricatures. I am offended.

Conclusion
Don't mention the word 'Torah' to anybody under the age of 40. It offends them.
Don't teach Torah to millennials. The ones in my shul are too dumb to understand that servitude used to be something.
We need a Judaism that is not based on Torah to teach. No Torah is the only way to draw the millennial closer to Judaism. Any Torah will offend the millennial. We need Judaism without Torah. 
If you change the Torah, they can connect with it. Take out the people and all relationships from the Torah. That will make it a better, non-offensive reading.
If we need the Torah for the kids,  skip the text and just tell the stories about how Yaakov's children got along. We need to create something about how Avraham was really Sarah and Sarah was Avraham. They are really the same person. That will make it good. 

The young ones in my should would love their tradition if it wasn't for the Torah. 

​Two Simchas this week. Nobody knew which one to go to. In the end we all knew who was liked more. It wasn't the Gerwitz family. Not many came to the Shabbat Chatan.
How important is a Shabbat Chatan? Probably more important than a Bat Mitzvah.
 
Kids are tough. All on the floor. Parents are angry about the carpet ruining their children’s pants during candy throwing. It's the parents' fault. The shul has sent home a newsletter suggesting the kids bring kneepads to shul.
The parents insist that kneepads aren't Shabbis clothes. That's on them. When my kids were growing up they wore a suit jacket, knee pads and chest protector. When going for candies you have to also watch out for elbows. My youngest wore the full hockey goalie gear. Every time there are two kids walking away with all the candy. Other kids have a black and blue eye. I can explain that.
 
Kids do whatever they want now. They go up to open the ark and play up there.
Running around the shul, doing tumbling. The carpet is good for ripping suit pants and tumbling.
 
The new Bal Teshuva is getting on everybody’s nerves, judging everybody. Just turned religious. He was staring at my husband’s shorts for three minutes, in shock that somebody could wear shorts, as they are not modest. My husband was coming back from a jog. He doesn’t jog in a suit. You want to judge me with your eyes, I'll stare at you all of services. I was giving him looks all of Davening. He felt like he was on the wrong page the whole time. He's still questioning what he does, being new to it. I'll make him question more.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Shabbt Shalom My Congregants
 
Want to welcome the Gerwitz family... Nobody else is here. They're all at the other shul for the Bar Mitzvah....
You send invites. Nobody came because you didn’t send invites… The other shul poached our members again…
 
Shalishudis needs more chips… Yes. I'm talking to you. You sponsored Shalishudis... OK. Seudah Shelishit. The third Shabbat meal. Whatever you want to call it. There should be more chips there... You didn't pick up any. You got tuna and egg salad... Chips taste good with them... The point is that Pinny is getting married and we want him to do it right...
If there is a woman that you lust after… She's Jewish?... OK. Well if there's a second wife... Yes. You give her chips with the tuna. It tastes good.
​
Right after speaking about war, the Torah talks about lusting after the captive women… Not focusing on what to do in the land. First we focus on the captive woman. Because you're all shallow... Just like this congregation, there is either fighting or lusting. Either fighting over who has the right to open up the ark on Yom Kippur, or lusting after a good Danish... We all know Stella D’oros are not coming back… Even in a war, if you took a Yodels captive, you would lust after it… If you would just lust after chips…
 
(Devarim 21:11) If you desire the good-looking captive woman, ‘you may take her for a wife’... She’s captive… Her husband is gone. We’re not reliving the Fleishman Fiasco… This was war. Not somebody sneaking into your house at night…
As H' knows man's desires, He does not say, 'No. Don’t take her.' Instead of forbidding the relationship… Men are shallow. Were you at the Migelberg Bar Mitzvah. Gaudy. For what? Nobody’s giving a gift more than $36. Double Chai is all you get here… Yes. They use it as an excuse. '$100? No. We'll give $36. That's double life. They'll like the meaning'… Oh, how many intermarriages in our congregation and nobody took the non-Jewish child captive first. Instead of forbidding, we are told to shave her head and to let her fingernails grow long… If you would’ve just waited a month and seen her nails, you would've married Jewish... If she cleaned them, that would be different. Good point. I don't think the Torah let her clean her nails...
We are also told to remove her captive clothes. Rashi comments, 'Because they are nice'… Beautiful. Nice. It’s the same thing… Have you ever met somebody who was kind and not beautiful??? Because you’re shallow. H’ knows that… They dressed their women beautiful, to entice. Unlike the night gowns the women wear when they go shopping in Brooklyn… You win war by dressing women nicely… And Kol hakkavod, all the honor, to those women dressing in the nightgowns. They are צנועה, modest… They're not drawing any attention. Ever shop at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns. You put those on her... You should always make sure that your marriage is not based on attraction. Testing is good... We're not in the middle of war, Bernie. We're not idol worshippers trying fool our enemies with Swiss Fudge. I've seen the way you scrape it with your teeth. Disgusting... No. Your shorts are not attracting anybody. You have the most pale legs. Nobody would want to take those legs as a captive spouse...
 
(Devarim 21:11) Rashi explains that the Torah doesn’t say ‘no’ because ‘the Torah is only speaking against the Yetzer Hara, evil inclination. Because if H’ didn’t permit it, he would take her illicitly.’  The same way the kids took all the candy… Attacking anybody in their midst. I'm literally afraid of the next Bar Mitzvah… We tried saying one candy bag a child, but you remember what happened in the halls after the throwing... Deals were going down with some of those nursery schoolers.
This is why we do the shul programs. Because you would all be doing Asur, forbidden stuff. You would follow your Yetzer Hara and go lusting after candy...
We would have learning all the time, but you wouldn’t do it. So we have shul movie night. Hookah in the Sukkah. Pizza Parsha. Either rhymes or alliterations. That's how we decide on programs. Alliterations entice you. Which is why we are stopping all programs... The only way to get you interested is to dress up the programs nicely. 
 
Look at you all, coming to shul in clothes that fit. Clothes that look decent. Why? Because you want to cause promiscuous shul activity. Eating choolante all sensually the way you do, with kishka coming off your cheeks. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, enticing… Let the choolante sit and you wouldn’t want to eat it.
 
It's for the rabbis to buckle down on this and stop the disgusting way of dressing. The laws of proper dress are complicated. It should be asur/forbidden to wear clothes. The way you people dress, no more clothes...
The Torah notices that the men are disgusting, shallow people. It has been too long that we have been blaming Dr. Fleishman for not being a faithful husband. It is time we blame the women... It is not his fault. It's only because she dresses in really nice clothes... Well would his wife let her sit in the house and grow her nails?... She doesn't dress within the rabbinical laws of Tzniyut, modesty. So please, stop blaming Dr. Fleishman. It's only because there are other available women that he does not take care of his family...
 
(Divarim 21:12-13) The captive woman stays in his house. ‘She shall shave her head and let her nails grow'... That's what she does for the month. Can you think of  something else to do with your time?! Maybe she mourns her husband... You have to have a heart for captives too. The Chazin care less. he goes on for a forty-five minute Kedusha... We have to go home. Your holding us hostage... We can't shave on Shabbat... I don't know if growing nails on Shabbat is Asur or not. Good question, Sir.
(Devarim 21:13) Rashi says that he will stumble upon her, see her weeping and see her unsightly appearance. All this, so that she should become despicable to him. [Sifrei 21: 9]. Have you ever seen uncut fingernails and cut hair? It’s disgusting… Long unwashable hair… No. She can’t file her nails down… Because then he would love her for her nails. We don’t want him to care about her because she has a nice shine on her nails… Is mourning unsightly? If this guy had a heart, he would've set her free. In the meantime, he's mocking her for mourning... He doesn't deserve her Dr. Fleishman. You don't stand there laughing, 'Boo Hoo Hoo. Just lost your husband... So disgusting looking when you care'... 
 
If he allows the woman to mourn her family for a month, then he may take her for a wife. Because then we know he cares....
You run when she starts to cry... Say you have a meeting you're late for... No man wants to see a woman cry, or mourn, or deal with her emotions. As Dr. Fleishman never wanted to deal with his family's emotions. Don't worry Dr. Fleishman, I am on your side... That's why he ran away. He didn't care about them, he just wanted his beautiful wife. Then kids got in the way and made it emotional and too intimate. It is not his fault. No man should have to show sympathy or empathy...

The whole point is to care. Even when you're lusting, you have to care... You don't eat like a slob. I've seen you with the Stella D'oros and choolante. Would've been chips too, if we had...
No. You can’t take her as a slave... Does that show care?
(Devarim 21:14) If you don’t want her, you have to let her go. You can’t keep her as a servant ‘on account that you have afflicted her’
You can’t keep people you don’t want… Doesn’t mean to throw out your eight year old because he is annoying...
It’s a matter of being truthful in love… You have to care about the person. Shaindel has to stop setting people up… Because you have to love them physically first…  You have to be attracted Shaindel. Rachel is still single, because you set her up with horrific guys… Rachel is fine. She cuts her nails… No. They shouldn't go shopping at Chanshie’s Catskill Gowns until they're married... Let him learn to care later...
 
The great teaching we learn from this episode is that it is only after she has mourned, and he saw her mourn her family, that he is allowed to have an intimate relationship with this woman. For it's only then, that the man has had a chance to see the woman as a human being, who he must empathize with. Once he is there, that means he really cares about her. She has suffered enough and she should not have to suffer more, from your disgusting vile, man behavior… Marrying her is adding to her suffering... Have you seen yourself?
 
May we be zoyche to a life of true love and care. Where there are no clothes used to entice. No clothes used to eat choolante. No clothes...
 
And now the wayward son… Not one of the four on Pesach. The annoying son is not the wayward son…
(21:20) Sorer uMoreh= And they shall say to the elders of his city, "This son of ours is wayward and rebellious; he does not obey us; [he is] a glutton and a guzzler."… You told them to take the Sunkist gummy candies. But he gluttoned after them. He attacked the other children... He has no empathy. No ability for care.... You stone that... No. Once they take candy from other children, stone them... At least throw jawbreakers or fireballs. You're throwing Sunkist gummies. That's not going to teach the kid a lesson. It just makes them more glutton for candies... I know we tell them not to eat. We even had the sharing is caring campaign... Because they're wayward... Not forward. Wayward.
(Devarim 21:18) Doesn’t listen to his parents… The wayward child doesn't listen to parents. That's the problem. They don't obey. You all don’t listen to your rabbi…
Why right after the captive woman? Because the wayward son thinks about himself. The wayward son lusts, like Dr. Fleishman, who ruined his family… We have to teach these kids to share...
(Davarim 21:21) ‘Pelt him with stones and he shall die…’ That’s how you discipline. Detention is not doing the job… Saw Breakfast Club… No Stella D’oros in the movie. They had chips though...
Yes. You stone people. How else are you going to get the others to listen?...
 
No favorites. Nothing special for your favorite wife who cuts her nails. The showoff… The first born is the first born… Learn to care for your family, and stone the children that don't listen...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon

Shul was empty. They all chose the Simcha at the other shul. It was really hust the Gerwitz family and a few others who knew they would be able to approach the Kiddish table quicker, with everybody else at the other shul. 

People saw food in a new light after the rabbi’s speech.
The new Mendelchem diet plan took off. The choolante had to sit for a month. After that, nobody wanted to eat it. Danish got stale, and nobody was eating anymore Danish. The Stella D’oros remained the same. Those lasted two years. Everybody ate those. People ended up getting real heavy downing sleeves.
 
The new rule was that before marriage there was no nail cutting for a month and all had to shave their heads. There were no marriages that summer. That rule had to change.
The message of love and care based on looks was beautiful. Many divorces happened over the next few months when people realized that they’re not attracted to their spouse anymore. I heard some husbands complain that their wives never get haircuts.
The rabbi was speaking about the foundations of love. Once you’re already married, looks don’t count. He was talking about the shallowness in the courting process. To be shallow and use tons of makeup, so that people didn’t get to know you, was considered fine, as long as they were Jewish. But she couldn’t stay in your home for that month, due to Yichud. With Jews, you develop care through attraction.
The rabbi also started convincing people not to intermarry, with his new ‘grow the nails’ campaign. The idea was that anybody who wanted to intermarry, had to let their intended grow nails for a month. He also added the rule that they can’t file them. Nail polish was also not allowed. He banned nail polish remover, as the chipping was considered not attractive.
 
Stopping the programs meant no more learning Torah in shul. The rabbi brought back alliterations and pizza real fast. Stella D’oros and Danish were also back the next month and going strong since. Even in COVID they went strong. We got the packaged kind and told people to eat those at home. They still came just to get the pastry. For Kiddish, the packaged food was fine, as some came to davening for the food. It was less than usual. The rabbi still believes that bags of Lays chips would've drawn the masses.
For the classes, they gave the packaged pizza and told people to go home to heat them up. So nobody studied the Torah Parsha. There was no other good alliteration with food and Torah, so there were no classes over the pandemic. Nobody showed up to the Zoom classes. They were there, but they had no pizza, so they decided to turn off their screens while the rabbi taught. This allowed the opportunity for doing other work on the computer, and catching up on series.
 
The rabbi stayed away from stoning the congregants, even though they are wayward and don’t listen. Though, we did start purchasing harder candies to pelt at the kids.
 
We’ve been working on shul food and the Simchas killed the shul reputation. They brought in catering and now people are got worse food than our regular choolante. The caterer is giving our shul a bad rep. We need the sisterhood on it. We need more potato chips. 
The board had a chips meeting and they couldn't figure out why they never saw the chips they bought. Reason: Because people eat them. They're gone right away. So, they decided to save money and buy pretzels, as there was always leftovers of those. It's just adding to our bad Kiddish and Shalishudis reputation.

The tailor was in shul. He made calls to the parents that Monday. He got some good business that week. Thinking back, he became the new candyman in shul. He started a tradition where he throws candies, even when there isn't a Simcha.  
​
Pinny got the message. He is lusting after his wife. We'll give that another couple of months, until he realizes they're married.

There was a lot of business going on in the community this week. A lot of garage sales. A lot of wheeling and dealing. People getting rid of stuff. Some deals were crazy. One shul member bought a Chanukiah for $3. She overpaid. Nobody buys anything for more than $2 at the local garage sales. You've got to go to Wichita to find big spenders like that.
They asked $2.50 on the couch. The people at the sale were not happy with that. They settled on the leather L shape couch, with the recliner and pull-out bed, for a buck. The hosts of the garage sale, the Mintzkowitzes, the ones whose home it was, were happy with the dollar they made on the couch. They were moving and I think they were trying to find a way for other people to get their trash out of the house, before having to call Garbonzo. Garbonzo is a company that comes in, takes your stuff and charges you.
They did tell everybody it was a shul fundraiser. I think they sold less because of that.
 
Had a Shul games night. What was that? That should have been one of the questions. Nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, the ark. The questions about shul history really messed up the fundraising program that year.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants...
You all have the same Yarmulkes. It’s not a rule. Not a law… Bar Mitzvah is over... You’re worried you’ll lose them? It’s not a family trip. You could've bought hundreds of Bar Mitzvah Yarmulkes at the Mintzkowitz garage sale... Yes. It's wrong to steal. I don't think they stole those. They went to the Bar Mitzvahs, and then decided to sell the Kippas back to the families that celebrated... Why do they print their names on the inside of the Kippas anyways? With the oil from Dr. Mintzkowitz's hair, it rubs off... Let's not judge. Even if they gave the Kippas back to the families they took them from, it's not a bribe.
 
In this week's portion (Devarim 16:19) we learn about not taking bribes. Judges shall not take bribes as 'Bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts the words of the righteous'... They don't become blind. It's harder to see with your heart... Truth is harder to see... It's not an object. They can still see who they're judging...
We may not bribe judges… Do I really have to answer… Am I hearing that bribery is fine? So wealthy people should always win in court… We must make for ourselves judges... Law is important. You want no accountability?! You sure about that? See what happens at the shul board meeting... You want accountability. However, we may not bribe the judges. How do the judges then make their money? I do not know…
I do know that many people in this congregation have started some very legit businesses thanks to bribes. Thanks to these businesses, the shul was able to pay for its new social hall. The Eisenstein Memorial Social Hall. Mark had a great business thank you to the bribes he was able to give. B"H…
No. Donations aren't bribes... They deserve a better seat in the chapel, because they donated the social hall... It's not a bribe. They have seats on the board because of the social hall... Because they care and they showed it with their money...
Thus, we shall not talk about giving bribes. As we must thank the politicians who have taken the bribes that have allowed for our community thrive... They're not judges. They are politicians. 'Judges shall not take bribes'... They're politicians. Their words are already perverted. It's OK.
We shall focus on judges. Judges may not take bribes. It is judges that the Torah is talking about. Bribing politicians is a complicated question. Your rabbi needs a raise…

Judgment is there to bring righteousness. 
It is 'righteousness' that we must 'pursue' as a people צדק צדק תרדוף (Devarim 16:20)... We’re not courting righteousness here. It’s not a woman. You don’t take righteousness to dinner. That’s a bribe. And bribery does not bring truth or righteousness. The same way Max and Maxine met. We shall not talk about that... Righteousness is not an enemy... Yes. We pursue it. We chase it... It's not courting. It's in court... We need better grade school teachers in this community…
Rashi notes that righteousness means a Beit Din, a Jewish court. It is through the court that we become righteous. It is through truthful uncontaminated judgement that we inherit the Land of Israel… We have no court system in our shul… That's why we are not in Israel.
The holy place of the court, where we must have truth, must also be righteous. The place itself must be righteous. 
Rashi teaches, 'Even for righteous judgement' we may not take bribes… That was not a bribe. It was a gift…
How can judgement be truthful or righteous if a great man, such as Mr. Eisenstein, is so generous, when Mr. Fishbaum is so cheap?... Pay your dues... Bribing is considered wrong, because the other people are not bribing. Generosity is forbidden, for if everybody were to have bribed like Mr. Eisenstein, it would be considered a salary... What your rabbi makes now is not what one would call a salary... We are not generous enough, so in the most basic palace of Truth, the court, we must remain not generous- as to not be dishonest… If all were generous, like Mr. Eisenstein, there would be no bribes… It was a gift, and they got the High Holiday seat they wanted…
 
Now, many people in this congregation want to blame Mark Eisenstein for a bribe he gave. You say 'he bribed you.' He paid for the down payment on your home. He didn't just bribe you. He bribed me. He bribed the chazan to come to this congregation. He drew us in, because he was such a kind man and he bribed us with money. Who are we to judge? The man never bribed a judge. And now he is in front of the Judge of all judges, in his final Judgement. We pray that you have enough money to bribe your way into Olam Haba (the world to come); to pay the salary of life. We will bribe for you and show the new Social Hall that we will be using later on for Bingo...

Now, Mr. Fishbaum, who hasn't paid his dues. Who have you bribed? What wing of the building have you added? What wing has Madelan added... Bribes are good when they're donations. We need more donations... For better Kiddishes Bernie.
The Torah does not say to not support your community's leaders... The Torah speaks of not taking a bribe. Yes, I am to blame for taking the role of rabbi in this congregation of heathens, because the starting salary was $200,000. The Torah does not say, 'Do not bribe,' It teaches that a judge must not take a bribe... Many of you are religious, and you want to put a fence around the Torah, you have taken that to mean 'You shall not pay'... That is not the teaching... You pay for stuff. You don't bribe to get an advantage over someone else. Paying for stuff you buy is not gaining advantage... their team is just better than our kids at basketball... The 'fence' is not to keep you from finally giving me a raise... We keep the Torah in an Aron Kodesh. It's safer in there than behind a fence...
The kichel and herring kiddush was not a beautiful religious act. It was an act of sadness. It is not bribing the congregation to like you, if you have a nice spread. Ms. Flanigan that is a very fine skirt you took from the Salvation Army. You should have paid for it... Payment is not bribing......
 
Now I promised Mr. Eisenstein that I would give this speech upon his passing, as he did put me in his will. I do hope these words have not been perverted, as Mark would have never wanted that with his money...
 
(Devarim 19:21) ‘You shall not plant idolatrous trees...' There will be no trees planted over Mr. Eisenstein's grave... Ramban notes that at idolaters used to try to make their temples look nice with trees. Whereas, H’ wants the Temple Altar to be the focus… Doesn't mean that we make a quilt to cover the Aron... It looks disgusting. Nobody can focus on the Aron Kodesh... It looks pathetic. If you would've given some money to the shul for the nice Parochet cover, it would've been a Kiddish H', to guard the Torah... That's a good fence...
Those trees are like bribes... Why we are trimming the hedges of the shul is beyond me… We need to focus on the shul. Look at the paint. It’s chipping…
Your concept of beauty is wrong... The way the family came with fullon makeup was... It wasn't a wedding... Whoever made that call was unqualified.
 
(Avodah Zarah 52a, as seen in Artscroll)… Yes. I use Artscroll… You don’t give me time to learn… You ask these messed up questions and I know nothing about gardening… I’m a rabbi and I care about the inside of the shul… No. You still mow the lawn… ‘An unqualified judge is tantamount to one who plants an idolatrous tree’… You should've come judged better than getting a community quilt of love going as the Parochet cover... You have not learned enough Torah to make shul interior design calls... Yes. There is a reason all Jewish books have gold or silver trimming...
The Quilt cover should've been sold at the Mintzkowitz's garage sale...
 
Took too much money for the social hall… That is idol worship. The money should've paid for the parking spot cover too... 
 
(Devarim 17:1) No blemish on the offering… ‘it’s an abomination’… Have you seen the food that’s brought out for Kiddish… You can’t bribe the Kohen to take a blemished offering. It’s the court of Gd… The quilt is a blemish... Yes. There is a lot of heart in it, but it's a blemish... If somebody were to offer money for a new Parochet cover... You see. We can't even do a fundraiser right... The reason nobody knew who donated the Aron Kodesh, at games night, is because they're embarrassed to let people know they donated it... Because it's an abomination. Just like a planted tree by the altar, a bribe to judges and lamb that has a scratch on its hoof...
 
(Devarim 17:6) You kill idol worshippers. You stone them…  That’s why they threw stones at people coming to the Kotel… Because our congregation is a bunch of idol worshippers…
 
(Devarim 17:8-14) You listen to the Kohen’s and Levites… You listen to your leaders… Yes. If I say something, you have to follow it… I am not sure if we kill you for not listening. But we have to ‘wipe out the evil from among us. And all the nation shall listen and fear’… So that they’ll practice the Mitzvot right... No. You don’t go ‘right or left’ from where you are told. If I say ‘right,’ that’s right…
We need stoning so people will listen... You listen to your leaders and pay them. You give them a raise. That's how you instil fear and bring redemption...
We will miss the one congregant who listened to the leader and voted to give the rabbi a raise...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
 
We are going to miss Mark Eisenstein. He was a good man. He supported the shul. He supported the rabbi. He was the only one who supported the rabbi. The rabbi got emotional, knowing he is not going to get a raise this year. All of the money is going to the social hall.

The rabbi made a good point that people shouldn’t be paid. Even so, he took it right back when the congregants said his salary should come down a bit. I think that's what changed the course of the sermon to bribes talking about judges only. It led to the correct words about Mr. Eisenstein.
 
Painting is OK, but no more planting at the shul. The new artistic look, with the quilt, is not becoming. Truth is I don’t like the shrubs either. I don't know who would worship those things. If idol worship comes to that, I am worried a big fight will take over the next shul pruning meeting.
 
The community setup a court system.
Sadie headed the court. She’s tough and she loves banging. She scared everybody last Rosh Chodesh, when she clapped. Clapping is when you hit the table, to let everybody know they are supposed to say the extra prayer of Ya’aleh vYavo, and that you are mad. Nobody forgot to say it that week. They were too scared Sadie would come over and hurt them. It was loud. Fran fell asleep in the middle of the hearings about when the next shul games night should be.
Community stoning was a bit much. Target has been overcharging for a long time. Even so, we cannot consider the manager an idol worshipper.
 
High Holiday seating always leads to a lot of fights. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie. He coughs and chuchs a lot. Frank davens very loud, when he is davening. He is usually talking. He does that loud too. Mrs. Fialikman got a new hat. That’s an eyesore. That’s going to take up two seats. Won’t be able to see the ark if you’re behind her. Sadie is tough as nails. You sit next to her, you’re not getting an armrest. She’ll clapp it if she has to. And Fran always waves a piece of paper like she is at the kabuki theater.
If anybody gave money, like Mark Eisenstein, they would have decent seats too. Call it a bribe. I call it the right use of a donation.
Mr. Eisenstein's seat was auctioned off. It takes up three seats and has a footrest, right next to the Bima. It's still respectable, as he donated the social hall.

The Mintzkowitzes got sued after one of the kids got caught in the spring-loaded pull-out bed. They let the bed go too soon and the kid got flipped into the couch and sat on.

It was decided that face masks have to be worn during Kiddish. Not very much was eaten at Kiddish. Kichel lasts a long time, so that’s a positive.
For those who don’t know, Kiddish is the post services snack social. Most of our shul shows up eight minutes before Kiddish. They know that if they show up after announcements, the Kiddish will be gone.
Nobody waits for the rabbi to make the Kiddish (blessing) on the wine before taking the Kiddish. Though, Mrs. Forestein is on top of them, and makes them all feel guilty. I’m impressed at how people can load up herring with Mrs. Forestein staring right at their plate and saying ‘you’re going to Gehenim if you take before the rabbi makes Kiddish.’ Matjes herring is worth hell to people over 80. The kids load up their plates with cookies. I don’t think an adult has had a cookie since the Gedayberg family came to town. I also don’t think that there’s been a speech without a child running on the Bima (stage) since the Gedaybergs joined our shul. I think security should be standing by the choolante until after Kiddish.
It’s proper etiquette to wait for the rabbi. I’ve been to dinner with some of our members, and they eat before the hosts sit down. At the Simchavitz house, the potato kugel was gone before the wife made it to the table. One of the guests took it from the kitchen, said they were helping. I think they even ate some of it on the way to the table. We have to work on shul ettiquete.
A few weeks later, they had the Kiddish as a take home, individually wrapped. That was as social as the Kiddish got over the pandemic.
 
Had meeting about security this week. Decision was made to keep the guard. We tried figuring out other methods of security, but the camera and the guard were it. There’s not much more than a camera and a guard. Someone thought for people to not show up. That was the only other novel security measure that has come up in shul security meetings over the past 20 years. A drone camera was brought up, but somebody shot that out of the sky last time, as an act of anti-Semitism.
 
The rabbi took to H’s message of telling Moshe to send the spies only meaning that He gave permission, even though it was not what they should’ve done. Anything that went wrong in the shul that the rabbi OKed, like the new secretary, the rabbi said he did not give his consent for. It was very confusing for all. It was a very bizarre week. The rabbi told the runner to round third and go home, in the softball game. When he got out, the rabbi said that he did not suggest to do it. Though his arm was swinging huge circular motions and everybody saw it, and he was yelling to go home, he said that he was just saying it was fine, but he did not want him to do it. He said that he knew the runner wanted to do it.
 
Had another Bar Mitzvah reader this week, and a Bat Mitzvah.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants,
You don’t even say ‘Shabbat Shalom’ back. Be friendly… If the spies smiled, the Jews would’ve gone to Israel.
People are affected by what they are told. Even more so, how they are told… When people aren’t welcomed to the shul, they are affected by how they are told nothing… You people are selfish. You are social climbers. If I told you that they owned a football team… Now you’re all mad at me… No. They don’t own a team. They are nice people. You’re the reason why people convert to Christianity… They say ‘Hi.’ Protestants say ‘Hi.’ That’s all people want is a Hello… At Kiddish. Nobody said ‘Hello.’ Or ‘Shalom’… We’ve lost twelve members because of masks this year…
What do you want to be part of?...
 
(Bamidbar 13:1-2) H’ tells Moshe to send people to go to the land to check it out. That was a mistake. Ever sent Erwin to pick up some soda for Seudah Shelishit? He comes back with three leader bottles and some brand with a star on it… One star, for bad.
Rashi tells us that it was permission, but not suggested. H’ is saying ‘For your knowledge. I am not commanding this. If you want, send.’ If H’ would’ve commanded it, we would be sending spies every year to check out the Beitar Jerusalem soccer club. But our shul sends nobody to Israel… The last Israel trip was twelve years ago. It was the rabbi, his wife and a Yeshiva student who was learning there for the year… He was from Houston. We met him on Ben Yehuda... We needed somebody to call it a communal trip. There was no tour guide… Visit the Holy Land. You don’t even visit. You guys spy out everything… How is it that you all know when Tzachi got his American visa?...
I can’t tell you everything to do. If you want to redo the walkway… Yes. It was nice. I didn’t command you to redo it… Yes. It’s worse now. You sinned… It wasn’t suggested. It’s on you…
 
(Bamidbar 13:17) Moshe tells them to ‘go up in the south, and ascend to the Mountain.’
Rashi tells us that this is the way of merchants, to see the Psolet, the bad part, of the land first. The problem is that we always see the bad part first. We see a tiny piece of schnitzel at a fundraiser that we paid $250 a plate for. It’s hard to focus on the asparagus spear... You never get the chance to see the Mountain. You don't go there... I left before dessert. And I heard it was chocolate and peanut butter squares. Every Kiddish I go to, they run out of those...
We always see the worst parts first… You go on a tour. Cab drivers are beeping you… Yes. Anywhere in Europe, Bernie. The tour guide takes you to the shops that have the scarves with the country on it… It’s July… We’re in the northern hemisphere… You tour and the shopkeepers are the first people you see. ‘Welcome to Italy. We charge you too much.’… Why the spies didn’t check for mechanics is a good question. But they did go up in the south, so there must’ve been some mechanics and shuk people there.
They were checking for people who were in shape and ready to defend their homes. (13:19) ‘Are they strong or weak…Is the land good or bad… are the cities open or fortified… is the land fat or lean… trees or not…’ Land can be attractive. Yes. Fat is attractive. Back then, it was attractive… They didn’t have preservatives…
You stay for Shabbat, you see the decent people… That’s what we’re trying to do hear… But you don’t say ‘Shalom.’ That’s why they leave.
Ever traveled to Disney World? You end up seeing the characters first. Where are the rides?
Ever come to this shul… You first meet the talkers in the back… That’s the only time you say ‘Hi.’ Middle of Tefillah… It’s the middle of prayers and you’re… Welcoming is good. But you don’t sit down the guy for a conversation about his family lineage and what happened in the playoffs yesterday… I think they understand that it’s the middle of the Chazan’s repetition of the Amidah… It doesn’t make a difference if they know what the Amidah is… The front row isn’t talking… A silent handshake… OK. A ‘Shabbat Shalom.’ That’s what I’m talking about. But you don’t yell it… You say ‘Shabbat Shalom.’ Which only two of you do. The rest of you stare at the people like they are fat and unfortified… That’s why they don’t come back. That’s why people don’t go to shul. That’s why the spies didn’t go to Israel.
The spies sold the people wrong. They were selfish leaders who gave false information… They told us it was bad. They misrepresented what they showed the people… You smile, say ‘Shalom’ and take them to the front row, so they can see the good people….
 
Big grapes can throw people off. When you don’t know if it’s a plum, it’s quite unsettling.
The question is, ‘Is it a good land?’... No. They wouldn’t want to end up in Topeka. You send some people to survey… What kind of houses? Chimneys? Do they mow?
When you see a community, you want to see the homes. You want to see the architectural layout of the city… They should’ve built the mall in the middle of the town. I am meeting with the town council this week about that decision. I said ‘OK,’ but only because I knew they would do it anyways… Now everybody has to travel to the East Wedge. Whatever that is… It’s the Psolet.
Do people want to move here? The Shreigen family was thinking of moving here, but they only saw the Psolet of the shul. They didn’t see the beauty and kindness. They saw a Kiddish with huge strawberries and they were thinking, ‘we will never be able to eat these things without staining our clothes. It definitely squirts onto the shirt…’
 
It was the ripe grapes that scared them… It’s about interpretation. It’s about how you say ‘Shalom’ to people. That’s what gets them to want to be part of our community… We want to welcome the Mindlowitz family to our community. There’s a lot of good here. And we shipped in small, tart, strawberries from Israel this week…

It's the leaders that throw people off. The leaders create positive in the shul. The Gabai is a downer… Then smile…
(Bamidbar 13:4) ‘All of them, leaders of the children of Israel’… They were leaders. That’s who they sent. Nobody cares what Michael does… If Michael would’ve come back and said they had tiny grapefruits, nobody would’ve listened. They wouldn’t have believed him, and we would’ve went to Israel… I am asking the leaders to stop messing up…
There were representatives from each tribe. Even in bad stuff, we need representatives. The fundraiser dinner needed representatives… Now, we know who to blame for the schnitzel… They were tiny pieces… $250 a plate. How much is a piece of schnitzel?...
 
As Moshe prayed for Hoshea and changed his name to Yehoshua (13:16), meaning ‘May Gd save you,’ I am praying for the leaders of this congregation… They are already sinners and influenced by evil forces, like the spies. Even so, I pray for their souls. So they don’t ruin the congregation anymore and cause us to lose members for another 40 years… I pray that our congregation are saved from your foolish decisions. We lost every member with a wheelchair… Yes. I OKed it. But I didn't mean it. Wheelchair accessible doesn’t mean to make a walkway and ramp out of cobblestone…

I pray that the Bar and Bat Mitzvah are saved from you. 
Nobody wants to be part of a bunch of people complaining about grapes… And they didn’t say ‘Hi’… I gave permission to say ‘Hi.’ I mean it. Be kind and friendly and stop messing up the Kiddish…
This is why we have Tisha BAv. Our dear Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah. Don’t be like that side of the shul.
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
This was the most powerful message the Rabbi every gave to a Bar and Bat Mitzvah.
It was a joint celebration, where nobody could eat at Kiddish. The families wanted to know why they didn’t save the money and tell people to eat at home. Even so, nobody would’ve come if there wasn’t food; even if they weren’t allowed to remove their masks. It was only later that month where the rule of not being able to spread COVID when eating came out.
The strawberries were very nice. I snuck a couple home.
 
The rabbi blamed the congregation for being a bunch of spies. We do have to be more positive about coming ton shul.
It’s about how you represent it. Huge grapes are a great thing at Kroger’s.
We lost a lot of members because of lack of ‘Hellos.’ Lack of friendliness and negativity bring a congregation down. The rabbi is right. We would’ve had better Bat Mitzvah parties. With a more positive mental attitude, we would’ve made the softball playoffs. Inter-shul play wasn’t affected by Hindy’s leaving the faith, as she didn’t join another shul. I saw her in the supermarket the other day and she said ‘Hi.’ I think she’s trying to convert me.
 
Whatever the rabbi said in his sermon that met with conflict, he said he did not mean. He said he was just saying that it was OK, but it was wrong (without saying it was wrong). He made it clear that we have to know what he's thinking when he gives us the OK. As he said, 'Do what I'm thinking.' Many were trying to figure out if the rabbi has a secret wink. But nobody saw it.
Everything that ever went wrong, he blamed on us. He told us that we shouldn’t have done it. When we asked why he told us to do it, he said, ‘Because you wanted to. So, I told you it was a great idea.’ This is why we have a social hall that holds eighteen people, for Chai. We haven’t been able to host a Simcha in years. The only time we hosted a party was over COVID, where three were allowed at six feet apart.
Nobody knew if we should take what he was saying about our community, homes and shul to heart. Many repainted their facades. Nobody renovated the insides of their homes, or cleaned. They figured that as long as they didn’t have guests, they didn’t have to worry about people spying on their homes. The Gurvy family stopped allowing their little ones to have playdates, as the little ones get too much information on the home when they come to play with Shayna. The Gedayberg kids also make a mess.
 
The Mindlowitz family was not impressed with the way our shul was built. They didn’t like the layout and the architecture. We know this, because they didn’t come back. They weren’t impressed with the Psolet in the back of the shul either.
 
The cobblestone walkway looked really ancient. If the spies had to walk on something like that, their feet would’ve hurt. Telling the people that you can’t push a carriage, or walk without injuring your ankles, would’ve kept our members from going to Israel. All the people in the Feinwitz section love wearing high heels.
 
Due to mask mandates, nobody said ‘Hello’ or ‘Shalom’ after shul. Truthfully, at Kiddish, everybody just stared at the new people. They didn’t know what to do with the masks. They were scared that it would offend the new people if they welcomed them during COVID.

The Bar and Bat Mitzvah didn't give a speech, as the rabbi was scared that their speaking abilities weren't up to par. And the rabbi didn't want the community to see the Psolet of the Sunday School education.
And the congregation got the real message. From then on, every Kiddish had backup chocolate peanut butter squares.

n​The rabbi was accused of using the Artscroll commentary last week. So this week he quoted the commentaries that the Artscroll Chumash quoted, using their names. Like the Artscroll Chumash, he quoted Rashi and Ramban. He usually doesn't make it past the first Pasuk in his sermons. Which goes to show how much you can learn from one verse of the Torah.
Masks turned into a thing this week. It really threw off the rabbi. He couldn’t tell who was listening. People were facing all different directions by the time the rabbi got up to speak. I think they were trying to figure out who was under each mask. It's a kind of game to try to get it right.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
Shabbat Shalom My Flock,
Mazel Tov Yanky. We are so proud of you. Nachis… Can the family face the front…
 
The Menorah’s candles all faced the middle. (Bamidbar 8:2) ‘Light the candles towards the face of Menorah.’ They face towards the face… That’s the middle… Everybody look up here. I am talking…
They face towards the face… That’s the middle. You face the face… Can people listen? I know you have masks. You can listen... Everybody look here. At my face. Where is the face?... I am talking...

Why is the Menorah mentioned after the tribe’s part in the dedication? This was the Kohanim’s part… In Naso, all the tribes have their jobs... You’re supposed to be doing something in shul. Yes… This brought here to comfort Aaron, letting him know that the Kohanim have their job, kindling the Menorah every day, and that job is greater (Rashi).
Rambam explains the greatness of the Menorah being the Kohens’ role in saving the Jews from destruction on Chanukah… That was Kohanim. The Hashmonaim were Kohens. And they rekindled the Menorah… It’s what your future generations do that brings blessing. You’re not serving the shul or your people by not learning Torah. Playing Sudoku at morning services during the week does not comfort your ancestors… They know. They’re looking down right now and asking, ‘Where is the Menorah?’… Exactly. We don’t know… Being a Kohen has nothing to do with it... Let’s make a Menorah. Shlomo, come up here…
Aaron cared enough to want to be part of the dedication of the Temple. You can care less if we have a decent choolante at Kiddish... That speaks bad to your ancestors… Talking in shul with masks on is not something your ancestors did…
 
(Mishlei 17:6) ‘The crown of the elders is their grandchildren…’ Do you visit? Do you call? Is this Yanky? I can’t tell. Take off your mask… At weddings they uncover the bride's face to make sure it’s her. Should we not expect the same of a Bar Mitzvah? There are good gifts. Everybody wants a set of The Book of Our Heritage... You’re the crown of your ancestors… Yes. You better do good.
You’re old enough to be blamed… You’re the age of Mitzvah… Until now, it was your parents’ fault. They sinned a lot... Because of you. It still is their fault. But you get blamed now…
 
The Levites are the crown of the Jewish people… Yes. Figuratively Bernie…
 
A beautiful ceremony takes place where they gather the people to inaugurate the Levites… Yes. The people helped in the process. (Bamidbar 8:9-10) ‘Bring the Levis to the tent of meeting and gather the assembly of the children of Israel… and the children of Israel shall place their hands on the Levites.’
They showed. We can’t even get people to show up to Minyin during the week. We had a class and we couldn’t get people for the pizza… It was Pizza & Parsha… We know nobody comes for the Torah… Yes. Two ‘p’s makes for an excellent program… Are people going to show to a BBQ? Can you eat with a mask?...
Rashi explained the hands on the Levites being necessary. In their service, the Leviim were to act as an atonement offering for the people of Israel. I am an atonement for you. The Chazan, serving you from the Bima (stage) is an atonement… You need atonement.
There is a reason why the water of purity also translates as ‘water of sin.’ You all sin. You need atonement… Purity and sin are related. What we use stuff for is what makes it holy… You’ve been using your lawns for weeds. It’s weed season… It’s an embarrassment…
 
Everybody put your hands on the Gabai. Head of the sisterhood, over here… The chazan… Place your hands on your leaders. It shows you are taking part. Entrusting… You need people doing service for you Frank. You can’t even read Hebrew…
Let’s hear it. On the count of three. Hands on their heads… Forget about their hair… Count of three. ‘Go team’…
Hans on me… I am serving you all. Back to the Menorah placements. Facing me…
There is no doubt that many of the people in this congregation are sinners. That is why you hired me to be your new rabbi. It will all be hard to atone for all your sins, but I am willing to help.
You all need to be part of this… I am going to ask the congregants to approach the podium. You will all then place your hands on my head and cheer, 'go rabbi,' as you lift your hands in unison. This will serve as your inauguration of me as your new community leader.
Somebody please help Himey to the podium, as he is a sinner and I saw him eating shrimp the other day. Himey, I will even atone for you.
All face me… I am the center of this congregation. ‘The middle of the Menorah’ if you will…
 
(Bamidbar 8:11) The Levites were lifted ‘as a waving before the Lord, on behalf of the children of Israel, that they may serve in the Lord’s service.’ I am doing this for you…
When you’re for the people, you have to first do Teshuva, repentance… Because you people sin.
Wave your masks… I can finally see who’s in shul today…
 
Now, as Moshe and Aaron lifted the Levites, I will ask the gabai to come to the podium and wave me above his head.
As the Leviites served the children of Israel by carrying the holy objects of the temple, as your new rabbi I am going to take the shul's holy breastplates and crowns of the Torah... To ensure their safety. They will be kept in my home, along with the shul's sacred funds...
 
As you become a man, my Bar Mitzvah. Always look to the center of your family. The face of your family. And don’t mess up... We don’t have the Parah Adumah and there is no water of purification. Now it is just water of sin… Are you going to make your grandparents proud?!!
We are all part of the service. You are all part of what I do… You are all part of the sisterhood… It is on you.
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
It was a very physical sermon. All were involved.
 
Making a human Menorah in shul was fun for all. All ended up facing the rabbi. He got our attention. When he put us in the human pyramid, we all focused on the rabbi, for our safety.
 
He felt the waving service was very important. After he got waved, he felt everybody should be waved.
The rabbi waving the Bar Mitzvah boy at the end of the sermon really got his message across. After that, Yanky did whatever the rabbi wanted.

The rabbi didn't call up the Bar Mitzvah boy to the Bima, as the whole congregation was up there for the human Menorah already.

The Bar Mitzvah boy was not happy that he got 12 sets of The Book of Our Heritage. All people who forgot to get him a gift  gave him what the rabbi mentioned in the sermon.

The rabbi started swinging people around. It was a new ritual. Some people felt they were being bullied. The kids loved it.
The rabbi’s message of his speech was understood. As all are part of the rabbi’s service, as the Jews were part of the Levites; service through their support, he decided to make them run his services that week. Bernie doing the funeral did not go over well.
 
Rabbi stopped the Bar Mitzvah boy in the middle of his Torah reading, and told him he can’t read, as he’s not old enough for service yet. He used last week’s Parsha to make the point. He started a new tradition, where the Bar Mitzvah boy placed his hand on the Torah reader’s head and services moved much faster.
A couple of fights started when people began greeting with a hand on the head. Many didn’t enjoy random people touching their skull.
 
Gathering all of Israel to put their hands on the Levites was a great point. Only two people showed up to the board meeting. An email was sent. This led to the rabbi having leaders invite in person and shofar blowing around Topeka on Wednesdays of the monthly board meeting.
 
Due to the masks, the rabbi called off shul. That affected attendance, so the rabbi called off that decision. He was very frustrated that he couldn’t identify who was talking in shul, so we never wore masks again.
Yelling at Sadie for messing up the shul quilt was not right. The rabbi was trying to talk to Karen. With the mask. He didn’t realize it was Sadie. He was just very frustrated that nobody joined in the Etz Chaim Hi song, and he didn't know who to blame.
 
People started showing up once they found out there was pizza at Pizza & Parsha. All programs had to start with the same letters from then on. The rabbi didn’t realize it was just the food that was bringing them. Tacos and Torah was a huge hit. They had that on Tuesdays. Guacamole and Gemara was loved. Meatloaf and Mishnah worked for many, even though it wasn’t Mexican. Ham and Halacha didn’t sell. The rabbi wants to know how that slipped in there.
Since then, they’ve went to programs and classes that rhyme. It was hard to find foods that rhyme with the sound of ‘ah.’ So, they had to move into non-food excitement. Halacha and Mula was an exciting field trip to the casino. Hookah in the Sukah is on the calendar.

​Longest Torah reading. The rabbi fell asleep. Young kid was reading. There was no celebration. It was painful and had the rabbi talking about responsibility. The child messed up the words. Shim failed his exam on the US states. He couldn’t remember them. How can he remember 176 Psukim? I think it’s the most verses in the Torah.
We have only One Kohen. But he’s been telling the Levis what to do. It’s been a relative hazing process the past few Parshas. The Kohen even made the Levis wear masks when washing hands. He says that he’s in charge and all carrying must be done for him.
The shul is very dirty. Need to bring in the laundry.
The cleaning team cleans nothing. Still sanitizing. Not cleaning anything. That started recently. They’ve
Now, we’ve got to get stuff cleaned and the Levites don’t take care of the shul’s property. The garden needs a cleaning. There’s weeds everywhere. Frank said it’s weed season, but those are last year’s weeds.
People don’t do their jobs, and nobody knows what their job is.
 
Rabbi Menedelchem’s Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom my Congregants
 
(Bamidbar 4:23) ‘From the age of thirty years and upward, until the age of fifty years you shall count them, all who come to join the legion, to perform service in the Tent of Meeting.’
We need people of age when it comes to holy work… The Levites started from 30… You learn before that… Have you seen the teachers at the day school? They’re twenty-five… Not ready for service… Teaching the kids like they know. They haven’t even learned yet… That’s why we have Bar Mitzvah boys thinking they can layn (read from the Torah)… It’s a service… Yes. You get paid for teaching. But it’s a service.
Great when we had to wheel in Hymie… The kids learned something that day. They learned to respect their elders… You throw people into these jobs. That’s why the secretary can’t answer a phone call… She has no idea how a touch tone works. She thinks the shul should have a cell number… We need older people…
 
For carrying stuff. Gershon carried (Bamidbar 4:25) ‘the curtains of the MIshkan and Tent of Meeting…’
Carrying the Torah is important… No. We don’t take the curtains off the ark when the Levi gets an Aliyah. We don’t have the Levi carry the curtain to the Bima (stage where we read the Torah)… Around 3,000 helped with the curtains… They all wanted to help… We can’t even get two out there to wash the Kohens’ hands for Musaf… Nobody moves… You’re 42. You can move… It’s the only service you do. You can’t sing. You can’t teach, because the twenty-five year old Israelites and Samarites are doing that at the day school… No. We’re not lifting the shul and carrying it…
Curtains is their focus… They focus on curtains… That’s what Gershonites do… Kehatites do tables... You can't do curtains and tables. You've got to master curtians first... That's how you get shoddy jobs... We need focus in this shul… Everybody needs a task… The kids need to learn to clean... They can't clean yet. They're too young...
The curtains are an embarrassment...
Tafkid. We have responsibilities… You, in the back left section, have a responsibility to not interrupt…
They carried the curtains… Carrying the Torah… Pick the right people. It’s a task…
 
You could take some of the linens to the laundromat. We made a nice kiddish… Mow the lawn… It’s an embarrassment… Carrying the curtains to the cleaners is the Levis’ job…
Gershon, Kehat and Merrary. I understand that you’re not Levis, but your parents named you that. You can help with some of the cleaning tasks… You’re also in charge of the new shul extension project… Your parents gave you the name, because you’re triplets. It’s beautiful. Now you have to work together… Live up to your namesake… Lift and transport stuff. Start a moving business... I understand it’s hard, as your grandparents are Sid and Shmuel… I get it. Gershon, Kehat and Merrary are not your grandparents, but you have a task… It’s your name. I know you’re from the tribe of Judah. But your parents didn’t name you that… Learn how to use a lawnmower… The garden needs servicing...
 
After 50, the service ends. You get a bad back… If you’re in shape, maybe we can get some extra years out of you… No. Max should not be using the handicap parking spot… Your wife passed away. You don’t inherit a bad back…
Age is a factor in our responsibilities… Bernie. You forgot to get the Kiddish cup last week… At 50 they retire… They relax. They go down to Eilat…
Aliyahs are given to old people… Old people do stuff, but they don’t carry anymore…
You have a decent back beforehand. You mow the lawn before you’re fifty… That’s why the grass is high. You don’t wait till your abilities run out, and you have to hire people, to get a decent looking lawn... You have abilities. Work it until you get older…
 
Why don’t the Kohens carry?... I feel like we have a Korach here. Asking questions. That’s not the point… No. We’re not moving the shul again… We have an excellent building… Last time, we hired movers… None of them were Levis…
Why is a 15-year-old leading services now?
 
Tzachi can lead services. He’s Israeli. Different decisions. He defends Israel… That’s his task… I get that he’s twenty-one, but he has a very deep voice for some reason… I think he talks from a different part of the mouth… He’s here now. How can he defend Israel from here… He defends our shul from poor Hebrew…
You’re a Levi. You need to bring the Parochet (the curtain by the ark, Aron HaKodesh) to the cleaners… You’re in charge of the ark cover, do it… Exactly. You’re carrying it… We don’t let you open the ark, because you might die… The shul is a Beit Hamikdash Miat, a small temple… You want to take a chance opening the curtain?... Let the Kohen do that…
No more complaining that the Kohens don’t help… They’re Kohens. The Kohens are Kohens...
 
The lawn is A chilul H.’ An embarrassment… Who’s going to mow it? What teenager can we get to mow the thing?
 
Rivka's Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha
The Rabbi separated tasks in the congregation
He made the Levites take in the shul linens to the dry cleaners. The Tallises were also brought by the Levis. The washing of Kohen hands was to be entrusted to the Gavny family.
He didn’t let the Levis open the curtain. I think that’s just because he didn’t like the Levis in the shul. None of them have good voices and the rabbi wants them to help more with the gardening. The giveaway is that the Israelites open the ark and none of them have died from it yet. Most of them have passed away from natural cause. Many have had high blood pressure. Our shul’s members have an average resting systolic of 170.
The ark opening was supposed to be the Kohen's job, but he didn’t feel he should work.
The Kiddish is the sisterhood’s job. No sisterhood has been voted in, so nobody knows what that means. We’ve had no Kiddish the past month. The rabbi is mad about this and he is blaming the sisterhood. Nobody feels bad.
The lawn mowing went to the Simchovitzes.
No more Hagba for people over 50. You could only lift the Torah until 50. They found drool on the scroll one Shabbat.
The Simchovitzes wanted to know what lawn mowing had to do with the Temple service. A chutzpah. The rabbi explained that you needed a decent lawn to erect the Tabernacle on.
 
No Torah reading by anybody under thirty. Bar Mitzvahs were called off and the boys just got an Aliyah. The rabbi literally stopped the Bar Mitzvah boy the following week and told him he can’t read.
Aliyah list was made. Had to honor people right. Many Hosafot, additional Aliyahs for calling people up to the Torah, were added. This allowed everybody to be honored. Aliyahs were cut into three verses; calling up people every three Psukim. There were 59 Aliyahs. One Shabbat it was decided that the Bar Mitzvah boy was too young to get an Aliyah. It was too important of a position. He ended up getting Galila (rolling of the Torah). At his Bar Mitzvah, he got no Aliyah and was told that he was being judged for everything he did. He was very sure to role that Torah perfectly. It took him fifteen minutes to get each part of the scroll wound just right.
After that, the rabbi decided to let the Bar Mitzvah boys layn again, as the rolling took even longer than their painful reading of the Torah. He decided to let Bar Mitzvah boys make mistakes too. He also called off Hosafot, saying that he didn’t realize how much time it took care about people getting honored.
The rabbi also gave up on caring about what the Levis did. He realized they were useless, as they brought the curtain to the wrong cleaners. The dry cleaners put the curtain in a regular wash and could never get out the wrinkles. They said they cutting fit the curtain on the board, and ‘there is no ironing board for ark curtains.’ It’s good we didn’t bring in the drapes.
The whole Levite fiasco was letdown, when the rabbi realized he could only find eight to help bring it to the cleaners. It was nowhere near the 2,630 the rabbi was hoping for.
 
Gershon, Kehat and Merarry are still mad that they can’t wash the Kohen’s hands. They’ve always wanted an excuse to leave shul during Musaf on the holidays.
 
The shul strongman competition was won by the Israelites, but they don’t have the requirement to carry stuff. The rabbi is now making all Levites hit the gym. They 35-year-old Levis can’t even do Hagba. Not even three columns. It’s pathetic.
 
The rabbi is scared of the Israeli. He came two weeks ago and his voice is very deep. He sounds like he commands the rabbi when he asks him questions about Jewish law. He asked if he had to bring a new pot he bought to the Mikvah. The rabbi thought he was commanding him that it had to be brought to the Mikvah. The rabbi took it and dunked it himself.

It was a hot day. A heatwave must’ve hit. The air-conditioner went out. It felt like we were in a desert.
Everybody is ready for the inter-shul baseball league. It’s very competitive and keeps people from switching shuls. The league games builds so much hatred for other shuls, it has helped us with membership retention. The board is a very big fans of the league.
We’ve traded some members in the past, due to loudness during prayers. We had to get rid of Nachman. He was loud at shul, but never cheered at the baseball games. Now, when Beit Knesset Am Kshei Oref plays us, Nachman cheers so much. He interrupts almost as much as he did in shul.
Many people say the rabbi wings the sermons, so he gave source sheets. He made it look impressive. It was six pages and none were double sided. The girth was an instant hit. The men’s section had nobody handing out the sheets, so nobody got all six pages. It went from one to the next and nobody knew which page they had. I handed out the pages in the women's section. The women used the sheets to fan themselves. Most said one was enough. Some took one of the other six sheets, as they had two free hands.
You have two free hands if your Siddur, prayer book, is not on your lap. If you have an empty seat next to you, or one of your children, you can put it there. I've seen little kids holding ten Siddurs during the rabbi's sermon. If the shul would have Siddur holders, parents wouldn't need to bring their kids to shul.
The handing out the sheets was a twelve-minute ordeal.
The rabbi finally assigned leaders of each section to go out to hand out the sheets and to battle in the synagogue baseball league. The men had to be 20 and older. Then the sermon began.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon
Everybody take a pamphlet... You can see there are six different pages… OK…
 
(Bamidbar 1:1) ‘And H’ spoke to Moshe in the wilderness of Sinai, in the Tent of Meeting…’ It’s hard to hear H’ in our community… You’re always talking during Tefillah… Tent of Meeting. Shul is our Tent for Gd… I am speaking to you in a desert of Torah. Because you talk wrong… Can’t hear Gd over Mark’s silent prayer…. It’s loud… Not talking to people… If the secretary would respect my office, I would be able to meet with Gd… At least learn. But I have meetings with congregants…
In the desert… Single people go to the desert to meet singles. Parties… Where they live, it’s called ‘the swamp’… They get stuck there and they never get out… Here, single people move and they leave. It’s very dry… Yes. They leave single, but they are not stuck here… Because you never call them up to the Torah Shim… If the Gabai would call them up…
They’re single. They don’t pay dues. They’re good for the baseball team… They’re over 20 and… They have no right to not be attracted. I know. But we’re not talking about Shidduchim now… Who cares if they’re not attracted? We’re playing against another shul… This is why I need an office where I can speak to Gd… Speaking to you, ends up in bad decisions and we end up in fifth place… There are five shuls. And who are they to not be attracted… Gd would have much better Shidduch ideas then Chaya Sheindel…
 
(Bamidbar 1:2-3) ‘Count… according to their families, their father’s households, counting the names of every male… from 20 years and up, all that do service for Israel…’
I am not speaking to the teenagers right now. They are worthless. They do nothing for the shul. Even Sheirut Leumi is questionable… People 20 and up… Under 20, not people... They're a responsibility... 
You’re being addressed. How? According to your families… You are addressed according to your families. That’s why we call on the Schwartzenbergs… Schwartzie!!!
We call on the Goldstones when we need Shalishudis…
But we are calling you according to your ‘names.’ And your ‘name’ is connected to your family… You are an individual within your family… There’s good reason the Goldstones have a bad reputation… it dates back to Zayde Felvel who never paid dues and never got a double… That’s why we do family names. This way we know the debt…
Who can we depend on?... Long history on depending on the Himlowitzes. But they moved to Israel… No. Bernie. You ruined your family’s reputation…
 
The shul softball team… You represent your family… We don’t call you by the shul’s name for a reason. That’s why your family name is on the back… We don’t want to ruin the shul’s reputation… We are the most out of shape shul. Don’t need that reputation…
Give your family a good name. Help the community. We’re doing a blood drive this week… Can’t call on the teenagers for that… If you catch a ball in the outfield, the Goldstone family name could change for good… Your individual name is also important...
 
Can somebody please role up one of the source sheets and smack Hymie with it… You were sleeping again…
 
(Bamidbar 1:4) ‘And with you (Moshe and Aaron) will be one man from each tribe…’ We need family leaders. I can’t deal with everybody from the family. We saw what happened with the Heinmann pitching... Each family will have a representative…
We are going to have shul heads. From now on families are going to decide on who gets the Aliyah… This way, you choose your favorite child… Who gets called up the most to the Torah is the favorite…
We’re talking about communal service here. Leadership.
 
What families will be designated for what?
The Schwartzenbergs are in charge of collecting dues… We can trust that they’ll be honest, as they haven’t paid…
The Heinmanns are in charge of the back left corner of the shul, where they talk during services…
The Pinzkowitzs are in charge of youth… The goal is to keep them out of shul. They're under 20… That’s why we have the youth Minyin… The Pinzkowitzs come from a long line of hall talkers… They don’t come into shul…
The Zimberfelds are in charge of cookouts… They don’t come to shul… Shul activities outside of the shul will be theirs…
The Goldostones are in charge of nothing to do with sports… In charge of food for Shalishudis… No cooking is involved, so we don’t have to worry… It doesn’t taste bad when you buy it…
The Feinblooms are in charge of the baseball game… Let them deal with it…
The Friedbaums are in charge of accounting… This is to help with knowing how many Aliyahs for each family… Less fights in shul… Who hasn’t paid dues? The Goldstones also haven’t…
The heads can help you count… We need counters… We need designated counters… The Friedbaums come from a long line of accountants… Their good at running numbers… They can also be in charge of setting people up… The Shidduch committee is very important… We have three singles. Getting them all to date is hard… Shipping in Jewish singles also works… Mrs. Freidbaum, you’re perfect for this. You’re very nosy… You can also run the blood drive... I’ve heard you set people up. You can care less about people’s feelings. Other people’s blood doesn’t bother you…
Rotensteins are in charge of the dress code… We have to give your daughter a shawl every time she comes… You stand by the entrance and cover people up…
Ezra Kornblum represents himself… He’s single… Just leave the single people out. They have no family… They can be sent to the teen minyin… They’re all single…
 
Take pride in your last name… Pay dues and learn how to play baseball… Wait. I just heard from H' who said to not let any Goldstone on the team this year...
 
Rivka's Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha
The Rabbi didn't use the source sheet for any of his speech, but everybody was extremely impressed with the number of sources. There were 20 sources. The rabbi was shocked at how impressed people were with just sources. The following week, for his Shavuot class, he just handed out a source sheet and left. His new style was loved by all.
He started going on tour for a bit, in the middle of Spring, as a scholar-in-residence. He built up a reputation for handing out a large packet of sources and allowing people to go through it. He never had to say a word after that. Didn't give one speech. He just handed out sources in congregations around America, and the people said, 'Pshhh. Look at this. A real scholar.'
This year, he’s planning a book tour with his new book How to Rebuke Your Congregants for Results. He’s calling the tour, ‘The Book Speaks for Itself.’
The Schwartzenberg family still hasn’t bought it. They haven’t paid their dues either. But they do eat a lot at Kiddish.
 
The rabbi went through shul 12 leaders. None of them helped him. He made Mrs. Krynetz the leader of cooking, as she is the only that cooks Jewish food. She’s the only one that knows how to make anything other than a quiche. The rabbi also gave Mr. Kandell the rights to locking up the Torahs. He owns a security safe company. He has the leadership of ark position. He’s not good at delegating. The shul had to wait two hours for a Shacharit service, for him to come and unlock the ark. One day, they just skipped the reading. He said he was on call the night before, because one of his safes was broken into.
 
If there was decent air-conditioning, nobody would’ve used the sheets. It looked classy to have all the women fanning themselves, so the rabbi didn’t say anything about it.
 
Thank Gd the youth service was happening at the time. The teenagers feel like they’re doing something there. But I understand how little they do for the congregation. The teenagers don’t even layn. If they would learn to read from the Torah at least.
Decision was made that the silent prayer had to be silent from now on.
 
The rabbi started calling everybody by last names for the next while. He felt that it brought more of a Jewish summer camp feel. He said we needed that to compete in baseball. He also stated that it was important for identity.
The shul made new building plans to turn everything into shacks and bunks. It was part of the new Jewish identity project.
The last names on the jerseys made it hard to call the team together. Going through all the last names to get a huddle going took a real long time. ‘Go Friedbaums, Rotnsteins, Schwartzenbergs, Heinmanns, Pinzkowitzs, Zimberfelds, Goldostones, Feinblooms, Friedbaums, Korbnblum, Goldstein, Schwartz, Goldberg…’ The rabbi said that if we win a game we can call the team by our shul. 'Go Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah' takes a long enough time, making it also hard to cheer to a good beat.
We hope the lack of air-conditioning and heat help the members get in better shape for softball season. The members won't due anything other than passive exercise and they haven't been to the shvitz in a while. 
 
The rabbi began counting the offspring that was 20 years and older. Reuven had 46,500 in Sinai. The most our shul had was 312, by Sadie, who's 100 years old last year. One of her kids had 4 children. It was a huge success by American standards. Sadie liked it when her children didn't visit. They would turn off Fox News and put on cartoons for the great grandkids. She felt like they were using her house, because none of them had a roundscreen TV.
The shul roles didn’t work. The Friedbaums stopped accounting when they didn’t get paid. They ran the numbers and found a way out of a paying dues.
And he counted all the shul members who paid their dues. Twelve. That was it. Twelve people paid dues.
They felt that a new system of paying per family member was the way to go. The families were against it. Grandparents didn't want to pay dues for their grandkids. Many families split because of this.
 
The blood drive was a success. Many people showed up, as the shul served ice cream. Three people gave blood. We commend the Pinzkowitzs.
Due to Mark's loud silent prayer, it was decided that silent prayers had to be silent. No singing silent prayers anymore. Even so, lip moving is still making a lot of noise.

Community BBQ got rained out. Next time they're planning an indoor BBQ. The rabbi mentioned the idea of a cook-in. This is where you cook and eat inside, and use an oven, and you eat inside with a fork. It tastes just like the BBQ, but you don’t have to worry about rain. I believe he doesn't like having to travel all the way to the park to watch over the members. Watching them in shul itself is painful. Seeing them stuffing their faces and licking sauce off their fingers bothers him. He says it's forbidden to eat like them. He doesn't even say 'animals.' He says 'like them.' He also likes cushioned seats.
He connected it to people understanding that the earth is not theirs. Started on a midweek sermon about how the land of Israel is Gd’s (Vayikra 25:23), as Gd continues to say, ‘you are just dwellers and inhabitants with Me.’ He added that if we would understand how the world worked, we would’ve known that you return the land to its rightful owners in the 50th year, the Year of Jubilee, you don’t work the land that year, or in the seventh year, and you don’t do a community BBQ in the beginning of May.
He could’ve just told us to wait till June.
This is where he took off on how we need to do Shmitah, sabbaticals. He mentioned nothing of the law taking effect 'when you go into the land.' We're in Topeka. I hope he gets the vacation he's been hoping for. So he can go to Israel and keep Shmitah.
​
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom
 
Stop!!!
(Vayikra 25:1) ‘The land shall return, it’s a Shabbat for H’… H' deserves a Shabbat too... He also deserves rest... That's why we don't ask for stuff on Shabbat... You're always asking for stuff, Sadie... Give Him a break. Can you imagine people asking you for health and a good living all the time... It's a lot...
The land returns to Gd in the seventh year… Shabbat… Rest… Seven… Give me a year off…
On Shabbat the land returns to H’… Don't work... Seventh year, I get payed leave...

(Vayikra 25:6) ‘This Shabbat of the land will be yours to eat...’ Food of the seventh year... Good food comes when you don’t mess it up. You work it and there's nothing good... How somebody can mess up an apple pie is crazy. Unpeeled apples are better than what we had… Add cinnamon… Then use whipped cream... I’m not going to mention last week’s Kiddish with the spoiled cheesecake… You keep it in the freezer. Don't touch it. Then pull it out and let it rest for seven minutes… The problem is you put it in the microwave. You worked it. You did not let it rest… 
That is what Shabbat is. A return to H.’ Letting stuff rest so you don’t mess it up… Trust in H'... Yes. Bernie. On Shabbat we return to H.’ But it’s hard to do that when the congregation… Why congregants can’t return pens… The pen says ‘Congregation Beis Emes USefeliah’ on it… You return stuff… Now we have to wait seven years to get the pen back… Is the pen an inheritance??? Forty-nine years is the inheritance... Is it really yours if it says the name of the company on it??? No. It’s the companies…
You mess things up. You mess them up for six years. Give it a seventh year to not mess it up… Give one day a week where you don’t mess things up… All I am asking is one day a week where you don’t come to me with your questions… I am not a healer...

(Vayikra 25:8) ‘Count seven cycles, seven times… 49 years.’  You can barely count the Omer. 49 days you can’t get through… Tzvi counted 5… Our synagogue abandoned the Omer count at eight. We’re abandoning Shavuot this year… 5781. That’s this year… You don’t even know the year. How can we count 49 of them?
(Vayikra 25:13) In this year of rest, ‘people will return to their inheritance.’ How can you rest when you know you have something that is… It’s the shul’s pen… It's not an inheritance... Now Bernie’s sleeping. No care for morality… 
Rest is about returning to H'… It's the office's... It's a jubilee, you return the pens...
 
Who does it all belong to?
(Vaykira 25:23) ‘And the land, you shall not sell forever, because the land is mine and you are just living with me’… How much selling... You can't sell forever... The land is H’s.  Eretz Yisrael belongs to H,’ not the Vatican… Just a lot of it belongs to the Vatican... It doesn’t belong to the Israeli government… That's taxes... OK. Gd and the Vatican... Then tell them about Yovel (50th year). They don't mention it in the New Testament... That's why...
The money is not yours. Mr. Madson, that really isn’t your money. That is your wife’s, and it's time for you to pay alimony… 
Too much selling... 
We are not doing the appeal for the new building fund today… It's not yours... Nothing is yours... The building is not yours… It's H's... Mr. Schwartz, you have a lot of money. I hope you are enjoying your new Cadillac. You spent a good amount on that. It is time you shared some of that money with the rest of the community… Have you heard of Ma’aser? Tithing… A tenth of… Taxes it the governments. This is Gd's... He should've raised it...
The way we treat the land, and money... Because you rip people off. (Vayikra 25:17) 'You shall not wrong your fellow Jew' by ripping him off... You opened that garage and started with charging for labor... No. twelve minute is not an hour... You charge for the number of years...
 
In Bechukati (Vayikra 26:3-5), it’s clear, ‘If you follow in my decrees and keep my commandments and do them. I will give you rain in it’s proper time’ the earth will work, you’ll have trees… ‘you’ll dwell securely in the land’… Just keep the Mitzvot… Rain will come when we’re not trying to have a shul picnic…
You don’t do well in the stock market by investing. You do well by showing up to shul on time. By keeping Shabbat. By not constantly working the garden...
Why does nothing in this shul go right? You follow none of my rules… People are still shining their foreheads… The baldness is glaring all over the shul…
There’s no security here… Exactly. Where is the security guard?... So, he’s on Sabbatical?…
If you just rested more. Shabbat. If you just got more sleep, you would be doing better… You mess it up… You’ll mess up the shul if you build more… The drapes are there because members made them... Your work messes it all up… Stop trying… That's the key to success…
Fifty years to get a pen back...
For Gd. What’s right… Not stealing. And count, Sam… If we don’t count. Yes, counting the Omer is a Mitzvah. If we don’t do the Mitzvot, the action, how can we rest… I know that our new executive director is fine with it. But… 

Relax. It’s not even yours… Take off this year… Spend the time returning the pens you stole… Relax. Your business bears no fruit. Been working for 14 years in this congregation and nothing… It’s time for a Sabbatical… I can’t jubilate here…
In the 50th year, you return the seat to its rightful owner… You stole his Makom Kavuah, his permanent seat… He didn’t want to cause a fight… The last theft of a seat led to the Sukkot Brawl of 5780… The fight went out to the Sukkah… That’s also why we stopped serving schnapps at Bar Mitzvahs… You keep the laws of the land… Cover the foreheads and we will all pray securely…

It also says earlier, in Vayikra 25:18, ‘If you do my decrees... you will dwell securely in the land’… You’ll also have good fruit from letting the land rest… Things will be good… No need to make a messed up apple pie with no cinnamon... If you would listen to me…
​If the board were to have listened to my idea for the new Kiddish room…

Who has the right to rest? You have to deserve it… I get a Sabbatical. Yes… Because I do the stuff. I have been working this shul… What have you… Rabbi, garage, what’s the difference? You have to work... More than twelve minutes...(Vayikra 25:3) ‘Six years you sow the field and six years you prune the vineyard and gather produce’… Yes. You have to work… You trust that it will last because you worked… 
Let's get the rest part right... Everybody, return your pens to their rightful owners.
 
Rivka's Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha
Due to our congregation's lack of ability to count the Omer, the rabbi decreed a jubilee year. He didn't trust that Jewish people could truthfully count fifty years correctly. So, he decided to do the Yovel year now, and not take a chance at messing it up. Being that we're not in Israel, he wasn't worried about having to run the idea by other rabbis.
He commanded everybody to take a break from work. But they still had to pay their dues. The shul must be worked, even during Shmitah.
The rabbi ended up taking a sabbatical. He felt his speech made him worthy of one. 
I was at the board meeting. If you take a Sabbatical in Israel and don't work the land, you're blessed. In the shul, they’ll try to fire you and get a new rabbi.
The rabbi's idea of a Sabbatical year for the congregation backfired. People were resting too much. They stopped coming to Minyin. They claimed that Gd would do it for them. They quoted the Parsha and talked of letting the land rest on the seventh year and the 50th year, so it will last. 'H' will make the shul blessed if we don't come.'

The congregants really took to the rabbi's teaching of 'stop.' I think that is all they heard. It was very dramatic. Rabbi Mendelchem held that 'stop' for a while. It was very meaningful, how he held it. Just stood there and stopped himself. It was around a one minute pause. It felt like a moment of silence, but we weren't showing our respects for anybody. After that, most of the congregants dozed off. Most of the congregants stopped everything. They didn't even finish davening. They relaxed and rested. Many brought out lawn chairs to the front yards. They stopped working the land.
Neighbors complained about Jewish lawns. After three weeks, the town council said they had to mow them. The rabbi agreed when it was decided that Topeka is not in Israel. The rabbi’s argument about the rained out BBQ did not pass with Mayor Dudley. He decided to offer the shul a tent for the grill.

The rabbi started a new campaign where people had to return all pens to companies. His decree was based on the idea that companies ordered 5,000 pens with their names on them because customers were stealing them. The company names are on them so that people would know whose they are and who to return them to.
He also made the kids in grade school bring their own pens. He told the children that they are pencil thieves. Not borrowers. As he claimed- nobody who has ever borrowed a pen in class, returned it. He explained that this is the reason all standardized tests are administered with a number 2 pencil. To quote, ‘The first one was stolen.’
The rabbi ended up pulling out a Kohl's return receipt with six staples and explained how you can't return everything. If you wore the clothes, you can't return them. If it wasn't stealing a pen or working the land, or giving land back to the families in the jubilee year, returning was not pertinent.
The rabbi explained that not all were jubilant in the jubilee year. Those who paid full price on the homes were not very happy.

The no overbaking cakes campaign worked. The sisterhood started serving fruit salads at Kiddish.

He turned all into a jubilee. All seats were returned to their rightful families.  All names on the seats were of people who passed away. Only the Schwartz family still lived in town. All other people just lost their seats. The congregants all had to stand for Davening the next couple weeks.
The fight went on and people said they deserved seats, as they paid for them. The rabbi had all the seats removed and shipped to family members wherever they lived, as an inheritance for the shul’s new jubilee. The shul ended up using the building fund money to purchase new chairs for the congregants who paid dues and returned pens.
The rabbi was right. They all stole pens. Max had a pen he took from Kara in grade school. It was 85 years ago and the ink had dried out. It was a beautiful moment at the cemetery when Max was able to put that pen on her tombstone. He then put a rock on her grave to hold it down.
​
The shul now has a designated Omer counter. He goes around blowing the Shofar every night, making sure people counted while he scares the children. The Yovel jubilee theme of not working the land and blowing the Shofar has gotten the rabbi in trouble with the town council. Now the Omer counter has to be invited into houses to blow the Shofar. He didn't make it past the Goldman's house that Tuesday. Shlomo Goldman got him caught up in a conversation about politics and cousin they found out they shared. Now Shlomo has to show up to shul, as he's the only one still counting.

​Nobody went back to that garage. We lost that member.
The rabbi could've just said 'Stop!!!' That was the message of the sermon. It said everything.

אחרי מות קדושים אמור 'After one’s death, say Holy things about them.’ A beautiful lesson learned from the order of the three Parshiot. Once people die, we have to say positive and beautiful things about them. Our rabbi focused this week on trying to see positive in members of the community who passed away. It was not easy for him, but he did it. Saying positive about congregants didn't happen. He could only say very negative stuff about the board.
In his class, Rabbi Mendelchem said, ‘When they are alive, some people are annoying as anything. There are a lot of sinners in this congregation. Bernie, I saw you eating at McDonald’s on the corner of Sinfield street. I won’t bring it up at your funeral, but I think now is a good time to address it. There is a sin of eating non-kosher meat. There is also a sin of eating like a pig.’

We skipped the reading of Kdoshim last week, due to Frank’s slow reading, so the rabbi focused on Kdoshim and being ‘holy because H’ is holy.’ He went on with what seemed to be another Drasha. ‘Are we holy or are we not? Are we created in H's image or not? Did Mr. Goldsmith ever pay his dues? Holy people pay dues. We have the potential to be Holy. That is why it is written as a command. Because most of you are not... How do we become Holy? Listen to your rabbi… Rabbis don't have to pay dues.
'Rashi notes, it's that we must separate ourselves from illicit relations and sins, for where there is lewdness, there is holiness... That does not mean to spend your days and nights away from your family, at the casino, not paying dues...’
The rabbi even brought up Cats & Dolls, as he was making his point about spending money on pets. It was an extra sermon.

I think he just continued the theme of people being holy, in his Drasha, which means going according to the bylaws of the shul. Nothing was mentioned about Mitzvot.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants.

This week's Parsha, Emor, continues on the path of teaching us how to be holy, by telling the Kohens that they may not become impure in their role. The beedle hasn't showered in years... Gabai. Same thing... The Kohen has a role. In our roles, people must not be impure... I went to Mike's law office. Not one bottle of Purell... Not even sanitizer... At least the generic kind... Is 99.9% pure enough? I would like that other .1%...

(Vayikra 21:5-6) 'Ya'll shall be holy before H."'  Being holy is about how you look... You're before H' Bernie. It's Gd.... How the Kohens look. Means that they shall not bring a razor to the edges of their beard, especially when you are missing a spot... I am just saying that people look disheveled… No cutting gashes... Learn how to shave... It's pathetic... You show up to shul with little tissues covering red spots... Exactly. You're using a shaver. How that happens?... You don't give yourself a haircut... It comes out horrible. Michael...
You chuch into a tissue... It's worse than a sneeze... It's disgusting... Disgustingness is not holy...
What we can do to be part of the Temple service? Look decent. You, the holy people representing the Jewish nation, must look decent... Are our leaders living up to this standard? Who is selling the clothes to these members of the Knesset? A sinner. The collars on these guys in the Israeli Parliament is embarrassing. They’ve got eight inch collars. It's like a tie to them... The Ben-Gurion collar...
​
Shall not make a bald spot. When I look around this congregation, I see many men who have the most embarrassing lack of hair I have seen in my life. It makes it almost impossible to pray... Constantly drawn to the glare bouncing off your heads... Mr. Goldsmith must’ve shined his head before Shabbat… The shul offers a huge bucket of gigantic kippot outside. Mr. Goldsmith, everybody in this congregation has a yarmulke.... To cover the baldness... We put those huge things out there for you, and of course Bernie, who has the European tradition of wearing nylon soup bowls.
Mr. Freedberg, keep the toupee on, we are serving H' now… The earmuffs look great… Put on the huge Kippahs… We have the big nylon ones to hide the baldness... It’s not holy because it’s embarrassing…
 
Men with blemishes may not serve as Kohanim (Vayikra 21:17-24) in the Beit Hamikdash. They may still eat of the sacrifices.
We do not discontinue our connection with the men and their wigs. We allow from them to join us at Kiddush, no matter how much their lack of hair makes them want to eat more. But we do not call up these bald men to the ark, for Psicha… It’s disturbing to the service and all of our attention goes right to the bald spot and the offsetting toupees... Glad we can clarify that... pay your dues…
 
So, no more becoming Tamei… Too much impurity… And we have to work out our Shidduch system… The singles are sitting there… (Vayikra 21:7) And no marrying harlots… We've been through this Pinny... I am worried about Shimmy and Karen… Very worried about Karen marrying the wrong guy… Singles need help... They can't make their own decisions...
 
We must look and act proper. That is what we are called on to do as Kingdom of Kohanim. We all serve in shul, except for Marcie, who hasn’t joined the sisterhood… Respect the shul… The Temple...
You have to look decent. You have to act properly. No being loud… They weren’t loud in the Beit Hamikdash… That’s why you could hear the little bells on the Kohen’s clothes. It was hush… No slamming doors… You slammed the door… Then you chuched. I have no idea how the chuch came out of your mouth. It was disgusting. Then you ran in the shul… You have to act properly and marry right… No. He’s disheveled… You chuch, you use sanitizer...

We are going to put together an appeal for decent clothes in the ladies section on the right, and the front left men's section... No used cans in the donation bin this time... Every charity event has had open cans in it... You're loading it up with used stuff... Fresh clothes... We cannot be impure before H' anymore... Run it through the laundry... At least Purell it...
Just give money.... You can find the cards at your seat... Wipe them down and flip over whatever number you want...
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
The rabbi's sermons are very interactive. I went to another shul later last week and caught the rabbi's sermon. Nobody talked.
He loves that teaching of saying good things after death. He wants to be able to say something positive about people.
Rabbi came up with a noise rule. No being louder than the Chazan. You can't really hear the Chazan. We've got five 'Amen' sections. Nothing is synchronized. He had other noise rules, he turned into law. He also said no shouting ‘fire’ in a crowded shul, even if there is a fire. You have to whisper that there’s a fire.

The congregation looked extremely disheveled this week.
The rabbi came up with another rule that helped the congregation. People cannot shine or buff their heads before coming to shul. They can only shine their shoes. He also purchased linen yarmulkes, as the satin and nylon was too shiny. The rabbi has been squinting for weeks.
He brought in a finishing school coach. The Tefillah didn’t improve, and she made everybody get bigger shirt collars. Though the chuching still took place, and the men’s section is still 80% bald, everybody in the congregation can set a table.
They tried only having good looking people called up for Aliyahs. Nobody else was called to the Torah. They started checking for blemishes. The shul supplied jackets and toupees to members who didn't bring a suit or hair.  They were measuring facial features to ensure they are symmetrical. Once they realized you can't use a ruler on Shabbat, they gave up on the whole thing.

The rabbi started a singles campaign, due to his worry about people marrying the wrong people. I think he took the Kohen having to be pure and marrying right thing a bit too far. For his new campaign, he was shipping in singles, trying to help out Shimmy. The singles campaign was a huge success. Four divorces took place that week. Everybody was so excited to meet new people. The rabbis should’ve mentioned that the Kohens cannot marry divorcees. It caused a whole raucous, and we had to ship in people

Nobody donated money. They donated clothes. They thought it was a Goodwill drive. Only old clothes with holes. The rabbi loves the appeals. He has cards for every Shabbat, just in case he has a chance to ask for money. He even has an appeal card for his new pool, so he can give back to the community. He mentioned that you can only give back once you have.
Nothing was sanitizied in that bin.
The rabbi is now looking to open a McDuvid's

​The sermon was twice as long for another Parsha that took twice as long. I think he planned a really long speech to get back at Frank.
People were taking too much liberty in the shul the past few weeks. One person started cooking in the kitchen, with no permission. We had to kick him out before he treifed it up. We had people reupholstering the place. Somebody chose turquoise as the color for the new couch cover. The shul doesn’t have enough money for full reupholstering. We just get the couch covers. We have a lot of old members. They’re fine with it. People have also taken the liberty of calling themselves up to the Torah. One Aliyah had eight men. Max thought it was Simchat Torah. The women took the liberty of making the women’s section bigger. They didn’t want to bother the men, so they broke down a wall. This is what happens when people make decisions without being called on to do them, even with good intention. 
Right now, I am looking at a lot of maimed umbrellas. The lobby is a bumbershoot mortuary. 
The rabbi wasn't happy with people not listening and coming up with their own rules. It leads to lawlessness. I think the rabbi was giving his whole sermon to him. It was a double Parsha again.  
 
My Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom in the meantime.

Another double Parsha. Too much. I give up... That was not a Kitel (robe). It was a blanket. I knew Frank was reading... I slept... He's only allowed to read during the week. When people aren't here and it's only part of the portion...
After somebody dies you say positive. That's what it means when you put the names of the three Parshas together... You are all alive here, and it is very hard to speak positive right now...

This week's Parsha kicks off with the piece of advice given to Aaron. Moshe is to tell Aaron, (Vaikra 16:2) 'Do not come to the tent of meeting within the curtain, in front of the cover that is on the ark, and you shall not die, because...' You can’t just go wherever you want all the time… It’s shul. Somebody went into the linen closet. That is where we keep the shul curtains… Your children can’t just jump up on the Bimah (stage where we lead services from)… Because we read the Torah from there, Bernie…
If the Torah drops... Yes. Some people need to take off some weight… 40 days of fasting is too much. Nobody wants the Torah to drop… I am giving a speech right now. Why is Chaim running behind the curtains again… Let the parents know that the kids can’t come behind the ark covers in my speech… Exactly. Or in front of them. The Bimah and the ark are not toys… The kids get up for Anim Zemirot and Hatikva and that’s it… We don’t have a shul choir. There is no need to have everybody up here all the time… Get down. I am giving a sermon. To you... You only come when the Gabai calls you… There are proper times… Somebody may die. We’ll get Mad Dog back here, and start bouncing more Jews out of shul…

This is told to Aaron, right after his sons died (16:1)… Nadav and Avihu shouldn’t have brought that pan without being told to. They did a service they weren't asked to do… You can’t just sacrifice whatever you want… Nobody wants your turtle, Benzi. The nursery school will not benefit from Terach the Turtle… It’s a bit much, after his son’s are killed, but do we want more to go wrong? Do you see the reupholstering job the sisterhood did?…
His sons are killed and Aaron is told to not make the same mistake. Is this not too close?... We have a duty to not mess up, like the Gabai. I have to remind him every time… Even when it is hard. Like right after he led davening and did a bad job. I was the one to let him know he messed up... And then calling up the guest to lead... You audition for leading Mincha... He always calls up Mr. Felsenblum for an Aliyah… It takes him five minutes to get up there, and then he Mi Shebeirachs everybody he’s ever met. By name… Sometimes duty comes first. Emotions are placed aside when you have to sit through 280 Mi Shebeirach blessings for each one of Mr. Felsenblum’s friends and family… No. You don’t wait for a board decision. That’s how you get a shul picnic with no hamburgers… You couldn’t get the Jack’s sausages, at least?... It is a holy decision. It has to be made by the rabbi… That's how you get sausages...

Rashi (16:1) teaches in the name of Rabbi Elazar ben Azariah that it is to caution Aaron. It's more powerful to be told that one will die from cold food, if there is an example of a specific person who died from cold food, then to not have the example… I am not saying that we need examples. But, Mrs. Krynatz's potato kugel was horrific...

The rabbi went off complaining about the length of davening and how painfully long the services are. I think we all forgot about the guest speaker we brought in for Israel Shabbat. Rabbi Mendelchem didn't want to mention the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration. He was very mad at the dry falafel balls.
The congregation needs to do Teshuva. Layning would have never been this bad if something wasn't wrong. Thanks to Rabbi Mendelchem's ability to find fault...
 
My Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon (Drasha)
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants
 
Another double Parsha. We should be adding another week. Anything to finish quicker. 53 Shabbats every year… A double month is fine. We’ll do the solar calendar like we do the lunar… Anything for a quicker layning... The first Aliyah was so long... We need that cantor back. I know he didn’t have a good voice, but he read faster than Dr. Felsenman... No. You don’t annunciate everything Frank. It’s a double Parsha. You read fast!!! I wasn’t going to give a sermon, due to the double Parsha. But I had so much time to think. I came up with a double sermon... What really is Tzara'at and quarantine... 
The only reason Bernie wasn’t talking is because he fell asleep. The Kiddish Club left in the middle of Shelishi… There are seven Aliyahs, Frank. They usually leave at the Haftorah… They thought it was the Haftorah already. That’s how slow... I couldn't quarantine Frank in the middle of his layning... A mask would've been wrong. To muzzle him...
 
Yes. Quarantining is the only way... This is when we have to kick you out of the camp… The raiding of the girl’s bunks last year at Camp Wichalom was something we don’t speak of. Mickey was already put on notice for taking your daughter's Pringles... We are talking about being kicked out of the community. There are people that should be kicked out of the community… We've already talked of the bouncer at Kiddish Club...
 
There is a state where we are welcome to join the community in approaching H', purity/Tahara, and that is where this community fails… The back left is not welcome… I know we must speak of Shirley. She is old and single... Shaindel. That is fine. You can talk about her and how she messed up… I know it's for her good. It’s wrong to talk about others though... It’s annoying and we have to quarantine you if you talk... That corner. Quarantined... Bernie is now in quarantine. As of now, I am only speaking to the front left and back right...
No more Lashon Hara. This shul is afflicted... Frank afflicted us with a very long Torah reading...
 
People learn from metaphors and analogies: We'll call it Ms. Kandell and Mrs. Shlomintz.
Ms. Kandell has a boyfriend and Mrs. Shlomintz is married, happy, with kids, not alone, knows how to cook, not sinning.... We see that the person in the state of Tumah/impurity, Ms. Kandell, cannot approach the temple...
 
There are times where people are invited to be part of the congregation and times when they don't pay dues... No. But they should get leprosy for that... When somebody gets Tzara'at... a kind of leprosy which is not leprosy or is- if that helps, they are quarantined.
What is Tzara'at?
In the Talmud (Arachin 15b) it takes the word Mtzora (leper) and teaches that it comes from somebody who brings out bad; they teach that means speaking slander. There are other reasons for leprosy, however we will focus on Ms. Kandell. She talks a lot… the whole service…  This is why you kick people... They interrupt. An interruption affliction... It is for this reason we quarantine. Because they are not fit for being around other people… If somebody talks Lashon Hara, but the slander is entertaining, they draw people... Huge circles of people come to enjoy... I don't know if they are afflicted or not. They are definitely not quarantined... Because they are entertaining...
Ms. Kandells will… She does need to get a bit of a tan. No rabbi should have to be looking at pale congregants… It causes Lashon Hara… No. You can't quarantine them because of a bad hair day... That's not Tzarat... People should be kicked out… We've already talked of the bouncer at Kiddish Club... Yes. Michael is quarantined until he gets a haircut...

(Vayikra 13:5) The Kohen ‘closes off’ the afflicted… Our Kohen needs to do more... He barely duchins. Never praises us... His hands are very dirty. I have a feeling the Leviim don't do their job either...
You first have to close them off. Send them outside the camp… You can get a tan in the wilderness…
Unlike the woman who is impure for giving birth for an extended period. The one with Tzara’at is ‘closed off.’ You have to separate them.
We are going to separate that section over there… Ms. Kandell is talking to Mrs. Rotstein now. You have to be separated. Mrs. Shlomintz just got back. She’s joining too. Quarantine that area… The whole area of the shul is cut off… People who aren't fit to be part of the congregation are quarantined... Michael is afflicted with too much hair. We are quarantining him... Dr. Frank Felsenman, long layning. Afflicted...
No. Masks don't count for quarantine... If you put on a mask, it is not considered quarantined...
 
After birth, a woman sits for 33 or 66 days in her purity, before being pure… 40 and 80 days of impurity... She is not pure because she is pure... It's a purity thing... Yes. The Friedbaum family are sinners... Having kids... Have you seen junior congregation... Even when you do good, you have to sit in that purity and repent... The purity feels disgusting. Ever sat in purity? Exactly.
I want Karen to think about the Bikur Cholim committee. Visiting the sick? Everyone of you is a sinner. How many people did you wake up?... Giving Tzedakah? Charity. Great. Good for you. Sinner. A bunch of sinners... Donating to the shul. Giving of your life to the congregation? Sit in that purity for a good six years. Look what that kind deed got me... I'm still thinking of how being a spiritual leader turned into my sin. I am definitely asking for atonement for this... Shame. Shame on you all for sitting in purity... And let's say an older person needs to sit...

We are afflicted and then what?
(Vayikra 12:8) ‘The Kohen shall atone for her, and she shall be pure.’  After birth, the woman is only fully pure once she brings atonement. Did Karen bring a donation to the shul after she gave birth? She took a lot of gifts from the Bikur Cholim committee... You don’t bring your atonement to the Gap. Even if the you don’t like the onesie the Silverbergs got… I understand you wanted to return it. We are talking about minimum donations for atonement… You keep a gift.  Yes. The red onesie is an atonement. 
If there is atonement for giving birth, you must definitely atone for... Frank should feel bad. Because of Frank, you can see the Kiddish Club did three shots today… They were double shots Frank… It’s Shabbis, and somebody has to apologize for killing my Shabbat afternoon sleep… Now it’s a nap... We can't have a designated driver for the Kiddish Club... It's Shabbis Frank...
Even in a mitzvah, you have to find the purity. The goodness. And atone for the goodmess. That's how guilty a Jew should always feel... Because it ruins my Shabbat afternoon, Frank...  

Atonement for the good deed of giving birth… You need atonement before we can let you into the community. After Shabbat, this community is excommunicated until everybody does something to improve their skin… Ahava products only… There will be an Ahava sale on Monday. Shmulik and Yasmin, from Israel, will be giving half off at the Ahava cart at Wimbly Market to members of Beis Anshei Emes Sefilah...
 
And no more talking in shul. It’s considered Lashon Hara to talk during the Rabbi’s sermon…
 
Dr. Felsenman is the cause for Lashon Hara... He did the Mitzvah of reading, and now he has to sit in his purity. Think about the good he did for the congregation… Atone by reading faster...
The Kiddish Club came back for the Haftorah. You see. They tailgated my sermon because of you…
 
It was a beautiful Yom HaAtzmaut. And now, here is our guest speaker… 

Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
It was a very long layning. I felt like I was at a Bar Mitzvah. I haven’t been to any Bar Mitzvahs for the past three years. They take too long. I show up to wish Mazel Tov though.
I think everybody in the shul was placed in quarantine this week. That hurt with the daily Minyin. Mr. Felsenblum, had to go to Saint Louis for Kaddish, daily.
He was very fire and brimstone this week. I believe he quarantined the falafel balls too.
The rabbi has been doing what he can to fight against the alcohol. He started an AA meeting during the Haftorah reading, but the Kiddish Club got more people. 
The bouncer at Kiddish Club was a bit much. Having a big guy kicking Jews out of shul had some of the elders of the congregation a bit scared. Bernie didn't even show up for his atonement meeting.
The shul also decided against the gang the rabbi hired to do security, due to protests of anti-Semitism. The rabbi's progressive thoughts turned for the worst. He should've allowed them to racially profile. Seeing Shloimy have to take off his jacket, being that Timbo and Mad Dog thought he was packing under his bekisha was a bit overboard. Then to see Mad Dog throw him out of shul to set an example... I think the Jews of the shul got the lesson, and started thinking twice before coming to services.
Speaking of anti-Semitism, the Gap did complain that Jews return too much.
It turns out that the rabbi was doing Shirley (Shaindel is her name that makes her parents proud) a favor, as she had a bad case of vitiligo. Many people accused the rabbi of being in cahoots with Shmulik and Yasmin, as part of their Ahave hand cream sales technique is to put down people's skin texture.
The rabbi separated the section. In the middle of the Sermon, he separated the whole shul and added another Mechitzah, which led to a whole protest from the women's section, claiming they are not all impure.
The Israeli speaker only spoke for three minutes. His allotted time was taken up by the rabbi and Frank. The congregation was very happy with the eight thousand dollar honorarium for Yom HaAtzmaut. They decided that next year they will pay ten thousand dollars for somebody to come in and not speak. 
There was no birth in the congregation for the next ten months...

This is my rabbi's sermon from last year. He is great and I love how he is the only rabbi who always gets mad at the congregation, because he loves them. They need the Musar (moral lessons). The lack of decent Kokosh cake that the rabbi was talking about might have had something to do with his decree that you can't bake within two weeks after Pesach. How cake was made without baking is a question we still have for our baker. The rabbi always gives a long sermon after Pesach. I think he's just very frustrated about all the cleaning he had to do. I had to cut some of it out. It was fire and brimstone this week. It felt like the rabbi was blaming the congregation for the death of Nadav and Avihu.

My Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon (Drasha)
​Shabbat Shalom
 
On the eighth day of the inauguration of the Mishkan (Tabernacle), Aaron is commanded to bring a calf for a sin offering (Vayikra 9:2). Who here should be bringing a sin offering? Who is at fault? Well, let’s see who showed up to shul late today. Michael is just comi- is he coming in now? Michael keeps growing that hair… Is he a Nazir?... I know he’s a teenager.
When you put out a really bad Kokosh cake and then you sell it at your local bakery, you are at fault... When Mrs. Rotstein's daughter dresses... Karen, please stand up so that everybody in the congregation can see what I am talking about... Shame. OK. Sit back down. I don't want to embarrass...
 
Rashi teaches this calf is to be brought, to show Aaron that this will be an atonement for the Golden Calf. We are speaking of atonement. Am I asking for much? Just a bit of atonement. Atonement for your sins. When I go to the Goldberg’s, should they not offer their guest a decent piece of brisket? Just a question…
 
Aaron was considered to have taken part in the Golden Calf, as he was the leader. Kind of like when your kids roam the halls and then run into shul in the middle of the rabbi's sermon. Can somebody please remove Chaim from the lectern?... You're his dad. Take him away. You are his leader...
 
H' gave Aaron the opportunity to atone for his sins. We all have these opportunities. I would like to take this opportunity to ask forgiveness for taking this job. Worst decision I ever made. I didn’t realize that Bernie would be talking in the middle of every one of my speeches… You can stop… First time he hasn’t interrupted and… I thought you were doing atonement, Bernie… Asking me for forgiveness in the middle of my sermon is not atonement. Taking this job was a bad decision.
Feinblum’s should be giving out whipped cream with their Kokosh for the next two weeks. Pareve…
Now is not the time Mrs. Rotstein. Why were you not working out?
 
He's hanging from the Chumash. Can somebody please remove Chaim… Chaim. This isn’t the hallway. You don’t jump on it.
 
However, none of you in this congregation take those opportunities. Do you? Do you?! Do you?!!.... Did the rabbi get the new home you were supposed to buy him? In order to atone for the sin of not giving him a raise?!
“A prosecutor does not become a defendant.” We learn this from our rabbis. This is the reason the Kohen doesn’t wear gold in the service… Because we messed up with the Golden Calf... No. Our Kohens don't wear gold because they're cheap... This isn't the Temple. You can pay dues... This is the reason that we don’t do Yoga in shul… Why is Karen wearing that?... This is why nobody on the board is allowed to read from the Torah.
 
We can turn that hateness around. We see that the women donated their jewelry to the Mishkan, so as to use the supposed bad for holy reasons (Exodus 35:22). There is good in this shul. Sorry. There is hope for good in this shul. We can bring that offering to atone.
Turn it around. Turn your child into a person who has goals, unlike... Turn the Kokosh cake into a babka. Turn the… Shul clothes. This isn’t LA Fitness… Can somebody donate a skirt to Karen… A mitzvah.
 
Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha
The Kokosh at Feinblum’s Bakery was dry this week. Without question, it is a huge problem. Karen should not have come to shul dressed in her gym clothes. Her family usually drives and we don’t say, but nobody knew that they show up late to shul every Shabbat because of a Pilates class. Parents have to take responsibility for their children. Not one of the kids in the shul has paid dues; yet, they still expect a Bar Mitzvah. That’s chutzpah.
The board decided on a dress code later that week, where they rewrote the bylaws to read, “All members must wear a suit to shul. This does not include sweatsuits.”
Rabbi Mendelchem is such a kind man. When he told Karen to sit back down, you could see his kindness. By the way, Mrs. Rotstein should be working out with her daughter.

When the rabbi repeated “Do you?!”, he was looking at Sadie. Sadie is a sweet lady of 87 years. I don’t know what sin she did in her past. The rabbi definitely had Sadie soul searching. Her memory is in good form, B"H.
Michael’s hair is very disturbing to the congregation. Now it’s colored neon green.  It's just hard to concentrate with his hair. Though, he did take the rabbi's decree to keep safe when walking back from shul at night to heart.
The board members started a breakaway Minyin, service, that week. I had never seen a rabbi so happy to see a shul split.