The Christmas Tree Shop, where I get everything I need for Chanukah. Including my paper dreidel.
Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
Eat Oily Food The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics. Use Animal Fat Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that. Eat Oilier Latkes Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious. Give the Children Big Kippahs Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want. That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays. Light up the Electric Candles This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate. Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur. Say Xmas The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit. Purchase Gifts That Mean Something If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift. Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven. Eat More If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more. Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here. Use Tinfoil Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil. Go to a Shul Chanukah Party Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa. Decorate All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop. Never Play Dreidel Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive. Sing Hebrew Songs If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious. Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht. To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight. I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeshev11/26/2021 
The shul Thanksgivakah didn’t work last year. The animal rights activists in our shul were not for lighting and burning the turkey. They like their turkey more juicy.
The rabbi’s gift forum was well attended. People thought they were going to get gifts. They were told what not to buy, as the rabbi doesn’t want to get any bad gifts this Chanukah. The rabbi made it clear that he does not want anything knit; nothing made by hand. People are going to be giving chocolate bars to the kids this year. The rabbi explained the laws of Ma’aras Ayin, showing something that is not what it appears, and he is still mad you can’t buy stuff with coins that have chocolate in them. He wants to take Elite to court for faulty sales on the coins last year. The problem is he ate his proof that they’re not real coins. Rabbi Menelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom vHappy Chanunkiving... We all have stories… The tales about other people have to stop. No more tattle-taling… Stories about Chanukah are good. Tattle-taling on Yehudah HaMacabee is not going to get him trouble... They might have had 'snitches get stitches' back then. I don't know how many felons were connected with the Maccabees. With Yosef and his brothers, it was 'snitches get sold'... That was the saying... Our history is important. Yet. We shouldn't sell any of the children... I know they are constantly tattle-tailing at junior congregation... (Bereishit 37:1) ‘And Yaakov sat in the land of which his fathers lived.’ The Torah goes through the generations of Yaakov in detail. Rashi says our ancestors and generations that follow are important. That's why there is detail, Sadie. Our ancestry and genealogy is important. You don't need to detail the menu for a Pareve Kiddish. Important… You could be important. Do your ancestors want to know about the deal you found at Marshall’s, Tim?... It was a great deal. I was very impressed. I wanted to know about it. I just don't know how they connect to it in heaven... Make yourself important. The Pilgrims were important… Yes. The Maccabees were important. You could be important… Many of you live here, still. You received a good inheritance. I commend you for not running away from your family's wealth. The shul hasn’t seen any of it… I’m guessing your grandfather, Shlomo, would’ve liked to give a donation. Just saying. If you knew that you came from people that paid their dues... Your fathers shared it with the synagogue when they lived here... Your fathers did not receive free trips to Israel... They couldn’t sojourn there. They married into the hardware business… That keeps you in Topeka... When you're making money and not donating it... Generation affect each other… Yaakov affected his children. (Bereishit 37:3) They saw that dad loved Yosef more than them, ‘and they hated him, and they couldn’t speak to him peacefully’… This is why Fran and Sadie always fight. They hate each other… Nobody likes people who are loved... Sadie is just more lovable... (Bereishit 37:5) And he shared his dreams with his brothers, ‘and they continued to hate him. If there is one thing we learn from Yosef, it's how to get your siblings to hate you. Tell on them, get a decent coat and then tell them you're better than them in a passive aggressive way, through a dream... Nobody wants to hear about your dreams.... And he told them what his dreams were about, and they hated him even more. Nobody likes people who dream and then tell people what their dreams are about... I'm not a psychologist. Let's not go there right now, Benji. I understand that you were told in the dream that there was a stalk in the shul and the stalk withered and your stalk was stepped on it... Nobody likes a good kid, who gets special gifts and gets good grades....Stop asking questions when class is about to end. I teach Sunday school. The kids don't want to be there, but the parents force them. And then there is one kid who cares... Sharona, they hate you. Stop caring. You are causing baseless hatred with your 'wanting to learn'... You're the reason... There's no necessary exile at the end of this, Sharona.... So what do we learn from this week's Parsha? Keep your dreams and aspirations to yourself. Nobody wants to hear about your new summer home. We are not happy for you. Good for you. We hate you. And Mrs. Kandymen, with a new dress every week... Yes. They hate you. It is good you all connect with the wealth of your parent's generation... Do you know their names? How many Ben Avrahams are there in this synagogue? You do not even know your dad's name... Michael. Last week, we had to break the Shabbat to go into the shul's Yizkor list to see what your dad's Hebrew name was, just so you could get an Aliyah???? What were their dreams?... To have a shul where dues were paid, Tim... But you had no problem naming your daughter Alexis, after her great grandmother Faygil... She paid dues... Yes, you all have friends, you all have money, you all have wealth. But none of you are willing to take a chance for other 'cool' people to hate you, and to dream. The cool people who have no dreams, but like to relax....Dream of a great community where dues are paid and the rabbi likes you. Dream of a community where your rabbi has a new car, to represent you... Yes. Yosef's brothers were wrong. Let people dream. Just don't share them... The guys in the back left will hate you. Let's get back to how dreams are bad... What are you doing for your ancestors? Is there hatred? The big issue is that they couldn’t speak to him in peace. It wasn't the dreams. It was the result. (Bereishit 37:4) The brothers saw that Yaakov loved him more than them, ‘and they hated him and they couldn’t speak to him peacefully.’ There was separation. There was built up hatred. Look at Fran and Sadie... Exactly. Years of anger building up inside. That is what caused for the inability to speak with Yosef in peace... I know you're still angry about the Fleishick Chanukah party three years ago. It builds up overtime. Now, Fran can't even say 'latke' with a smile. She's mad about it... Relationships are over when there is no peace. When there is no smile. When there are no latkes... Was Yosef wrong or right? I can tell you that your grandmother wouldn't mind if you gave her money to the shul, Michael… It led to what was going to happen. Human interaction is what we’re learning. Don’t cause hatred, Bernie. He was telling tales about the other kids. He was snitching… In our shul, for Shalom. From now on, snitches get stitches… They had reason to hate him before. He snitched, he got the love of Yaakov. People hate bad Chanukah gifts. They hate the Clopping for Rosh Chodesh… It scares them. You bang the table… There are a lot of reasons to hate. I've mentioned just a few in this sermon so far. You can see, it all builds up, and then you have our shul... From now on, only share the negative in your life. Stop telling people the good you have... Yosef shares his dreams and all the negative builds up… Don’t dream… If you're going to share it, don't dream. If you see positive in others, we might have a chance at fighting Bernie. (Bereishit 37:11) His brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter’… He couldn't make a coat for all of them. Where do you find those colors?... You want to get into parenting? Are you sure, Mark? Your kids are running the halls again… Only once there was jealousy did Yaakov watch over the matter. Jealousy is what kills. There was hatred. Once it turned to jealousy... When you give Chaim a G.I. Joe, and Samantha a Barbie Gocart… Chaim is jealous. Yes… His gift is pathetic. You have to stop being jealous. That’s what causes the sin. It goes from hatred, to nastiness, to jealousy to slave trade. Then you have our shul... We don’t know if it’s because he was loved more. Was it because of the dream? Was it because he tattle-taled? Was it because he got the gift?... Give your kids decent gifts already… I’ve seen the socks, Michaela. They’re sewn. A gift is not valuable if you make it… You have to buy it. The same way Ephraim buys the Aliyas… There are multiple factors involved in hatred. You can hate Phillip for sneezing too loud… He sneezes all the time. In know. It’s too much. Bill walks past people and hits them with his Tallis… You don’t notice, because you don’t care. The tassels are whacking people… You walk too fast. Looking like tasseled Superman… I see you, because I sit up here. They can’t, because the tassels are whacking their eyes. Should we sell the shul? Good question… We’re not allowed to sell the members… The hatred you cause could lead to that though… Not loving the lives around you. Not realizing the importance of the individual leads to slavery… Yes. It’s hard to deal with these people... If anybody had a reason to be jealous of Phillip or Bill... I know, they have the most pathetic homes... The question is why does nobody in this shul smile… Nobody smiles in the men’s section... Is there hatred? Is there jealousy? I know the Gabai does a bad job of divvying Aliyas… You show favorites. I see it. You call the same person up every week, Ephraim. It’s the same guy. Is he giving his donations to you?... There is definitely a scam going on. I am watching the matter Ephy… Are you jealous because of the lack of gifts? The shul doesn’t get the gifts you flipped over on the Yom Kippur appeal cards. Haven’t seen those donation… The shul is not inviting now… People don’t come because of security and you not smiling at them… There is already a security guard at the door staring them down and not saying ‘Shalom’… The clopping for Rosh Chodesh scares people. Nobody greets you, and then you hear a bang on a table… Does it remind you to say ‘YaAleh vYavoh’ or does it scare you?... Yes. They don’t feel welcome. All they hear is a loud noise after people have been giving them evil looks… We all dream. You have the cool Simchoni group mocking dreams... What’s going to be next? Selling congregants?... Ephraim sells the Aliyas. Makes a good buck calling people to the Torah… You’re causing jealousy. It’s Feivel’s inheritance. The money should go to the shul… What we see is that families being together is not always the best thing… Smile… Yosef missed out on living in the land of his ancestors, because people couldn’t smile… Get over it. We need love. Love each other… Your ancestors smiled. Your parents were important because people liked being around them. They didn’t sell people. They gave excellent gifts… A Monopoly set was a good gift in the ‘80s. You can’t give that now, Kim… They paid their dues… They smiled, Mark... Mrs. Kandyman, they say they like your dress, because they're trying real hard to keep peace. It's not easy... There was no smiling and that led to slavery. This shul… Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Each part of Rabbi Mendelchem's sermon was a sermon. I believe he gave a private sermon to fifty congregants within the sermon. Each paragraph was a special piece of rebuke. No other rabbi I know can show such hope for his congregants and see such negative within them. The message I got was to smile. The rest of the congregation didn't seem to get that message. I don't even see a smirk under Mrs. Kandyman's new hats she wears with her dresses. The rabbi called it Chanukiving, as he feels that the Jewish holiday should come first. Thanksgivikah is offensive to our people. He also feels that Kiving is very important. It brings happiness and love in families. He is truly worried that siblings hate each other in the congregation, because, as the rabbi said ‘there has to be better Kifts this Chanukah.’ The rabbi's lesson was brought home though. And it was a valuable lesson. Bad gifts is what causes hatred. The Tivels haven’t been invited to Simchas for years, due to the mirror they bought for Michael’s Bar Mitzvah. It was a mirror. A plane mirror. That’s it. No reason to invite them. Seevan is always pulling Asher’s hair. I think that can lead to some future hatred among our kids in the shul. It started with last year's gift outing to 5 And Below. The kids realize that not all $5 gifts are the same. Seevan got plastic headphones and Asher got a cool board game. After going to Walmart, they realized the board game was worth more. It was also a board game of many colors. The ancestry lesson of importance worked for a few people. The others realized they came from a bunch of criminals. The rabbi caused a lot of problems in the shul. Now everybody hates each other. They all know about Feivel’s inheritance. Now they’re all jealous. Everybody hates everybody now. The rabbi correctly noted good reasons to hate each other. And nobody smiles. The Gabai is now on the top of the hate list. There was an actual list outside the sanctuary. The rabbi put the Gabai’s name on it as a plaque. The rest of the names on the hate list were written in dry erase marker. The membership is happy that the majority of the congregation didn’t move away, after the rabbi let it be known that family together causes fights and the slave trade. The steel plant is what kept the families in town for the past four generations. I don't know if anybody had a calling from Gd. I do know that many have left to get away from family. The rabbi turned the shul into a penitentiary with this no more snitches policy. People thought payback was a good use of the security guard. To stop violence in the coatroom, the rabbi had to say that he meant that those who snitch get stitched Chanukah gifts; meaning, they get the sewn stuff, like socks. That is a curse that nobody wants. A lot of mixed messages this week. Yosef’s dreams brought us together as a people, so they dreams have to be good. Then the rabbi says we shouldn’t dream. He then said to dream but don't talk about it. He knows that there's not one congregant who can keep their mouth shut. They'll talk about anything. The rabbi has been to enough Kiddishes. A lot of hope was lost this Shabbis. But then he brought up Chanukah gifts, and the kids started dreaming again. Now, the kids are dreaming of new PlayStation models. The rabbi is correct. People don’t say ‘Hi.’ They don’t smile at you or greet you. The rabbi had to stop calling us a community. Due to the nasty faces, he started calling the men’s section by gang affiliation. You have the back left corner. You’ve got the front rights. I don’t know how the Chanukiving program the rabbi came up with is going to go. Thanksgiving was before Chanukah this year. But he still wanted to teach a lesson. I think he felt that more people would show up if Thanksgiving was involved in the program. He knows that Jews don’t want to celebrate anything Jewish. Now, all the kids in the shul think they’re supposed to get gifts on Thanksgiving. Something about the pilgrims hiding their Judaism. Clopping for Rosh Chodesh scared me. We did the Rosh Chodesh prayer preparation on Shabbat. I’m not going to show up to shul until after the Amida prayer is done, and there is no more banging by the shul zealots. The guy bangs the table way too hard. Scary. He would be the first one violently throwing congregants in pits. Tags:
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Interviews of Jews: The Local Butcher11/25/2021 
Kosher butcher shop in New York. That's how they used to smoke meat. (Photo: Library of Congress)
Hello
Shalom. You don't speak Hebrew? We're Kosher here. I speak Yiddish. I didn't ask where you're from. I'll start with the prices. What are your prices? What do you want? It depends on the prices. You tell me what you like. I give you deal. Why are the prices in your store not listed? People don't like seeing $23.99 a pound. They won't buy it. If it's in the bag, they buy it. $23.99 and the community is lose weight. I lose business. They'll pay $250.99 for the bag though. Who's your favorite customer? Mr. Bergman. He buys a lot. Never asks the prices. Do you ever get messed up requests from your customers? All of them. One guy doesn't want juice. How am I supposed to make money on the ribs?! I sell juice. You're paying for the bones and the juice. I should put prices of bones and juice on the wall. $23.99 for bones and juice? Yes. One guy wanted my best cut of steak. He said, 'Your best steak.' I don't know what the best steak is. I'm a vegetarian. Why do you run a butcher shop if you're a vegetarian? Money. Is it hard for you to be part of the community and their butcher? Worse than being a doctor. They show up to shul and people ask them about their feet. 'Oh I have heelspur.' I get asked questions about cow's feet. I don't serve that. They all complain. They even complain to me about their doctor. What questions do you get about cow's feet? Are they pigeon toed. If they had pigeon toes, I wouldn't sell it. A cow with pigeon toes is not kosher. It's disgusting. Who is your favorite customer? Martha. She orders, says nothing. Just takes it. She doesn't care how much it weighs. I thought Mr. Bergman was your favorite? I can't stand him. Where do you get your food? New York. So you don't slaughter it? No. I get it from MealMart and put it on the shelf. People seem to like Meal Mart. What do you do to the animal? We take the food out of the package. We put it on the shelf. Why are you not a grocery then? The sign outside says I'm a butcher. I see some nice premade stuff. How do you make the premade food? We take the MealMart package and open it. That machine? That's the cutter. How many slices do you want? Isn't that called a slicer? It's a cutter. We cut the meat in there. It's a cutter. Are you going to buy anything? No. I'm here to interview you today. I thought you would offer me a taste. Are you going to pay for it? I would think that because I am the interviewer... This is pointless. I thought you were going to buy something. Can we finish this? I just thought that you would give me a taste. You pay. If I pay for it, it's not a taste. Who says? You? Ever heard of taster? They charge for those now. It's classy. You want taster platter? You've mentioned that people complain. What is the number one complaint? Me. Anything else about the customers? If they didn't pay for the food, I wouldn't want to see them. Especially Mrs. Gronawitz. She wants triangle cuts. The cutter doesn't cut in triangles. It's a sli... Thanksgiving is coming up. How many people need turkey? I can't give turkey to the whole world. Sukkot comes, I get thirty, maybe forty brisket orders. Thanksgiving. 200 turkeys. These Jews can care less about Sukkot, and they hate turkeys. If Jewish food would be turkey, they would celebrate the Chagim. How much do I have to do for turkey?! She wants one that is hearty. I don't know how it feels Mrs. Goldfarb. I don't know its personality. She wants hearty?! I can give juicy. I don't know turkey feelings. I am a butcher. Not a poultry therapist. I heard about the turkey shwarma tradition. Now more turkey?! I can't keep finding turkey. Don't tell anybody of this tradition. At least Chanukah is coming up. What do your customers buy on Chanukah? Nothing. I hate Chanukah. You can't slaughter sour cream and potatoes. But you don't slaughter. You get it from New York... Chanukah Sameach You're not going to buy anything? Author's Thoughts on Interview He was very curt. I believe Micky smiled once. When I asked him about the slicer, he thought I was going to buy some cold cuts. That was the only time he smiled. He never stopped trying to make a sale. I respect that. His Middle Eastern voice came out everytime he tried to make a sale. He even called me 'my friend' at some point. I would've liked a taste. Even in the shuk, they gave tastes. I think he's mad because he's a vegetarian. He wasn't happy about the slicer question. He was very adamant that it's a cutter. He changed his mind about Mr. Goldberg real fast. He told me later that Mr. Goldberg's business wasn't doing too well, so he doesn't care for him anymore. He was definitely not happy about Thanksgiving. I didn't even get in the question, before he started getting angry at turkeys. I don't believe he is thanking anybody this holiday season. Tags:
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Making Your Thanksgiving Jewish11/25/2021 
Chabad will do anything to bring all closer Yiddishkeit. Here, you can see the rabbi doing Kiruv on the Turkey. (Photo: chabadmineola.com)
Thanksgiving has much Jewish tradition. There is a lot of food on the table, and that is Jewish to me. Yet, it can be more Jewish. I don't want to feel not connected to my people when celebrating this beautiful day. Let's focus on what we can do to make the holiday more Jewish.
Eat Your Turkey on Friday Night Any meal you have on Friday night is a Shabbis meal. That's Jewish. Ever tried turkey necks in your choolante? That's a thank you to H' right there. Eat More Eat cold cuts. As my dad always taught me, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher, until they realized you can make pastrami out of it. Make a sponge pumpkin pie. I don't know how that is done, but make it and it's Jewish. Songecake is Jewish. If you can make a sponge pie, you're a Jewish revolutionary. A pumpkin babka can work too. Eat A Turkey Shawarma Mixing Israel into the American celebration allows all the anti-Jewish sceptics to say 'I told you so,' and that makes us feel good. This is the perfect time to lend to the conspiracy that Israel and the US are in cahoots. What are the US and Israel in collaboration about? Loving turkey. Both Israelis and Americans like to eat turkey. The food allyship goes further. Israelis don't like cranberry sauce, but I have seen much cranberry crumble over in the Holy Land. It makes you question. If Israelis knew about pumpkin pie, they would eat it. The pumpkin pie conspiracy is there. Israelis just don't know about it yet. Tell The Story of the Pilgrims The pilgrims used wagons. So did every rebbe. You would know this if you ever heard a Chassidic story. Turn the Pilgrims into rebbe stories. Tell of how they did Kiruv on the Native people. Make it meaningful, with a sermon of the first Wampanoag Bar Mitzvah celebration. Better yet, tell the story of the Pilgrims fleeing Europe, running away from Christian persecution. Jews can connect with the Church trying to kill them. Persecution always brings us Simcha. Thank H' Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday, as we give thanks. Thanking Gd is a Jewish thing to do. Just don't do it at the table in English. Definitely not before the meal. Thanking Gd before the meal is not Jewish. And don't say 'Lord.' Jews pray to Gd. Christians pray to the Lord. Bless Gd before the meal with a Bracha. Thank Gd after the meal with the Birkat Hamazon. That's not meant to be commentary. That's meant to make you a better Jew. And do not hold hands when praying. This isn't the hora. Don't Work Nobody is working on the day. That is very Jewish. We celebrate holidays by letting other people work. Forbid Stuff If nothing is forbidden, it's not a Jewish holiday. Make sure you have sins, and Mitzvot. You can't eat turducken. It's Kilayim. You can't mix animals, and it kills a good turkey. Forbid showering. After working on the yard and playing football, not showering will bring that second day of Rosh Hashana shul smell to the holiday. You have to have three meals over the course of the day. On holidays, we have to eat more than once. Why not today? And ask questions like that. 'Why not today?' That brings a Pesach feeling to the holiday. Have a Fight A family fight will bring that holiday feeling to the day. Turn the Thanksgiving Day Parade into a Rally Jews don't parade. We rally. Use the Thanksgiving Macy's floats to make political statements. Let it be known that Garfield is pro-turkey, because he loves Israel. He's thinking, 'I would love turkey shawarma right now.' Remember to eat this Thanksgiving. That will make it a Jewish holiday. If you want it to be a true Jewish holiday, eat the turkey breast. That's brisket of the turkey. And don't forget to the turkey pastrami sandwich. I tried to help. Thanksgiving Sameach Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYishlach11/19/2021 
The mega shul down on the other side of town has tons of members. The rabbi wants big crowds, and we can't satisfy that for him. We realized that in order to become a mega shul, we needed to go non-Jewish with our membership. If we opened up to Islamic prayer, we would be able to host the mega shul the rabbi wanted.
Sitting at Kiddish is like figuring out where to sit in high school. The popular table picks on everybody else by taking big scoops of meat out of the choolante. The doors to the shul are now locked all the time. Ben couldn’t get in for Shabbat Mincha. He wasn't happy. And the shul is trying to figure out how to draw more people. You can’t get people, if they can’t get in. Ben has decided to not show up anymore. He's angry about not getting in and nobody apologized. He wanted an apology, but the board considered locking out Ben to be the right thing. He said that he won’t go to a shul that doesn’t let him in. Most shuls don’t want him anyways. I think all shuls in Topeka are going to start locking their doors, just in case Ben wants to join. The visiting the sick is not happening. They’re doing that on Zoom now. That doesn’t help any of the older sick people who can’t figure out how to use the computer. Now the sick person has to work and study technology for people to be nice to them, and not visit them. We’ve started Chanukah and Thanksgiving prep. Recently, Thanksgiving and Chanukah have fallen out on the same days. Many of our congregants believe that Thanksgiving was celebrated in the Beit Mikdash. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Congregants… What happened to making people feel good... I'm not talking about giving massages. We did that once and Sadie was sued for harassment... They’re sitting alone for Kiddish… I know you’re not sitting alone. That’s the point. Sit with them… Yes. You’ll be without the other people... It’s not about you. Nobody cares if you’re popular. The Simchonis aren’t popular. You just sit with them… They look popular… You can care less about people feeling good... You want to feel good. You want to appease yourself... Yes. That's a problem... Community is about community. We need open doors. Open friendliness… If we can’t have the doors open, how are we going to have services??? How is it security? The doors to the shul are locked. People are locked out, Mike. It’s not friendly to be locked out… People can't even get in... They can’t use the doorbell… It’s Shabbis, Mark. If we're protecting the people, we have to put security at their homes... They're not coming to shul, Mike... They can't get in. When the doors are open, it's also a problem... It’s not inviting to have a 6’9” guy with a gun standing right outside the doors of our shul… It’s not about you. It’s about other people wanting to come to shul. And it's not friendly. You make them sit alone. And now they’re scared to even come in… Because there is an anti-Semite standing with a gun right outside the shul… He looks like an anti-Semite… You do nothing for other people. This shul has chosen to not be inviting recently… Clicks are not a good thing… No. They’re not a good thing. They’re selfish… You share nothing. Sharing your conversation is not a gift… You give money for Chanukah... Locking doors does not help with people get in… Locking doors doesn't help with membership... Social distancing doesn't help with membership... They don't come. And those that do come, ‘Come and we won’t talk to you unless if you’re the Simchonis.’ People are scared and you're not friendly... Yaakov does everything he can to appease Esav… That's how you get members... Everybody hates each other. That's fine. Esav hated him. I’m not saying to give gifts to the security guard… He doesn’t hate us… Yes. The president hates Ben… Then why are you locking the doors on him, Mike?! (Bereishit 32:4) ‘Yaakov sends angels.’ What have you sent to your brother, Dennis? What have you sent him… I know you get along. But did you send angels?... A box of chocolate coins is not a way to get your brother on your side... Money, Dennis. Give real money. It's a sham. Elite runs a sham... What has this shul sent the anti-Semites? If we sent them angels, we wouldn’t have to lock the door… I don’t want to go to a shul I can’t get into, Bernie… Yes. They padlocked me out once. And then they complained there was no Minyin. There’s got to be a better way to appease the local Jew haters… What did Yaakov do? He sends angels. He tells them to tell Esav that he lived with Lavan… It’s not fun living with Lavan. It’s like living with Michael. Always complaining and wanting more… Yes. Your daughter is like that too, Dennis. Does anybody raise congregants that don’t constantly want? Congregants that don’t constantly take and want more… When Yaakov hears Esav has 400 men with him, he splits up the camp. We should’ve split up the shul a long time ago… We lost a lot of members when we didn't split the congregation, years ago… Now, people don't join because you don’t sit with them at Kiddish… You can’t have a mega shul without congregants. Sit with them… Those were Esav’s congregants. Very similar to much of our congregation. They sat together to eat though... Yes. Yaakov was worried… He cared about his kids. He didn’t let them run around the halls in shul. He sent them to junior congregation… Reuven and Levi weren't running around the shul, doing cartwheels in the aisle… It’s crazy that your kids feel that free. Their freedom is wrong. (Bereishit 32:8) ‘He split up the people that were with him.’ Yes. I am suggesting the shul split up. He cared about them. Yaakov figured that if Esav gets one camp, at least the other camp can get away. Nobody can get away from Sarah’s kids, jumping on people in the middle of davening… I have no idea how they’re everywhere… He wanted people to be safe. I’ve seen families split up to enter shul at separate times... I understand the security guard is scary… The husbands want to be early for Shacharit. Oh. I get it… (32:9) ‘If one camp is struck, the other camp can escape.’ Keep the good congregants… Yes. We need doors unlocked... So we don't lose the good congregants. They can't get in, Bernie... Appease people. Let them in. Give gifts. Channukah is coming up... When something is scary. When there is fear. You have to prepare. Not one member on the right side of the shul can prepare a decent Shabbat dinner... Yaakov splits up the camp. He then prepares to appease… Safety comes first. Which is why the children are not going to use the new children’s siddur anymore… They’ve been whacking each other with the hardback prayer books… (Bereishit 32:9) Rashi says Yaakov prepared for three things when encountering Esav. For a gift, for war and for prayer… What have you ever prepared for, Simmy? Your son’s Bar Mitzvah didn’t even have the Kiddish. The Friedmans sponsored their five year old daughter's birthday. They beat you to the dedication… It was Simcha’s Bar Mitzvah. You prepare… The shul’s gala wasn’t even prepared… There goes our president again. It was a bring your own dinner. Not even potluck… Yaakov appeases Esav with 'Doron.' He gives him gifts. Because he 'fears’… Appeasing, meaning to initiate. You didn't initiate a decent Kiddish, so Simcha didn't get gifts... Of course he prays. It is about appeasing… Your ego gets in the way. Yaakov appeases Gd… He prays, Mark. Praying is important. It gives Gd a good feeling… I know that we’re having problems with good feelings in the shul. People can’t get in. The security guard hasn’t smiled and makes people scared... He stares them down. It’s scary. People are sitting alone. They don’t feel appeased. Have you gotten any gifts for anybody?... Exactly. No gifts. Chanukah is coming up and you haven’t prepared... You prepare gifts for three days... There are shul programs and community candle lightings on the others. (Bereishit 32:11) In his prayer to H', Yaakov pleads, 'Oh, I have become small, because of all Your Kindness.' We are humbled when someone shows us kindness. There has been no kindness shown… I have not been humbled as a rabbi here. I have been… It's not humbling to be locked out of shul... If you can't enter the shul to pray... It's not humbling. It's humiliating to sit alone. You selfish... Yaakov pleads and even brings up the crossing the 'Yarden' river with his staff. Even before droughts, when the river was higher than 2 feet, Yaakov passed the river... Yes. He needed a staff. How else can you tell the depth... It is about getting your feet wet. And Yaakov did not like water. H' places those rocks in the river, for us... You slip on the rocks, because you don't have a staff... Being taken advantage of for 20 years, by Lavan, having the famous daughter for daughter switch, is not something to bring up when thanking H' for kindness. It was the crossing the Yarden. Three feet. Which he had to do by himself… Caution. We learn caution from Yaakov… We shouldn’t have to be cautious because of the security guard that we hired… When Kindness is done, we respect... We should respect and apprecaite. Yaakov pleads to Gd. Asks for His kindness to continue and to let them live. It’s not kindness to let Kim sit alone. It’s not kindness to Zoom visit the sick… The security guard is scary. Yaakov is in a scary place and he turns to H'. He pleads out of respect. What teenager in this shul has ever showed gratitude?... Your prayer may get answered, but you won’t get the allowance raise you wanted…. Do they kiss up to their parents? Yes. Because they want something. Do they show appreciation, bring up their kindness that they have done for them? Are they humbled, due to respect? No. But they want chocolate coins... Your parents gave you life. They gave you a roof over head. They gave you school. Do you thank them? No... They gave you school! Yaakov, out of 20 years of servitude, still thanks H' and sees H's kindness. For he knows it is up to H' whether the rock is slippery or not. I think that it was around 20, and I think I know that because my parents forced me to go to school... Yaakov does not plead to man. He offers gifts, he appeases man. But he does plead to H.' He pleads to H' because he honors H' and knows that H' decides and has given him life. You give gifts to man… It’s Chanukah for crying out loud… Appeasement.... I have no idea where this Dvar Torah is going.... You must honor your parents. You must also fear them.....Commandments.... When you fear, you appease. When you honor, you kiss up. When you honor who you fear, you plead for allowance... Your parents decide. They decide where you will go to school. They decide where you will go to camp. They decide where you will grow up. They are the ones to blame... They haven't paid dues... You must see the kindness, even through the pain of life they put you through. You will have challenges, and you will need your parents. The challenges you will need to appease. When you need the help of those who you respect, it is your parents you must plead to for money.... It's hard to cross over that Yarden by yourself. Many Jews have done it. When you make Aliyah, there is always a point where we have to plead for financial help... Nobody gives you a staff. You have to take that staff yourself... For safety. There's security... Yaakov prepares for fight.... Splits up the camp. Protect the important people. We care when bombs come into Tel Aviv... And he fights when he needs to. Yaakov struggles with the angel... There’s enough fighting in this shul... We don't need to be worrying about a security guard. That's not a struggle for the soul of our people, to hire a guy who scares us... I understand you don’t like people that are not hanging with the Simchonis… If they’re going to be members, we need to treat them better. Give them gifts… Chanukah is coming up. Give them something… We learn from Yaakov that we have to appease people. We need to be kind… Sheep are good. They’ll take them. We have to humble with our kindness. Give gifts. Give something of ourselves. You sit with people other than the Simchonis. You selfish… Don’t make your life great. Make it meaningful. Show respect to others. Keep the Mitzvot and be kind. Don't be like Mike. He refuses to give me a raise. Not even a Chanukah bonus... (Bereishit 32:5) Rashi says that when the Torah says 'with Lavan I lived,' Yaakov is saying he kept the 613 mitzvot. ‘Garti’, the word for lived, in Gematria is 613. The number of Mitzvot... If it was this congregation, it would be the eight mitzvot. H' watches over us. When we keep the Mitzvot, H' watches over us... Because you don't keep the Mitzvot, Dennis... May H' protect us from the security guy… Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The rabbi was never invited to sit with the Simchonis. They invited me once. I think that was the week I got my new hat. It was marvelous. You can't wear a hat like that more than once. It was the nicest hat I ever bought. If you don't throw it out after you wear it, you're pathetic. The rabbi made his point though. 'Community is about community' was the most profound thing I have heard, since the previous rabbi said, 'Shul is shul.' The kid siddurs are dangerous. Hardcovers and pointy edges. The kids do the 'thank You for waking me up' prayer and then get whacked with the thing. The youth director added a 'thank you for my eye not getting hit today' prayer. So the losers aren’t left alone, they’re assigning seats now at Kiddish. The rabbi was correct. People can’t get in if they’re locked out. There are a lot of anti-Semites in shul though. The membership really hates each other. I feel safer outside, away from the members. They had another program that people got locked out of. Trivia night only had seven people. Forty-eight were knocking. At the board meeting they all complained that the event was not well attended. Nobody could figure out why. But it was a meeting. They sat and talked about it. Many opinions were shared. Then there’s the security guard scaring people when the doors are not locked. People were so scared of the security guard, they started bringing him gifts. They treated him like Esav and tried to appease him. One of the members couldn't find cattle, so she gave him their dog. The dog was scary too, barking at everybody coming into shul. The people that weren’t friends with the Simchonis felt like the shul truly didn’t want them. The shul started a phone chain to let the losers know the security guard was not there to keep them out, even if nobody wanted to sit with them at Kiddish. By the way, assigned seats just embarrassed the losers. The rabbi wrote the names of the losers, on the place cards, instead of table numbers. He called it 'Kim’s table.' It was embarrassing. Once people started sitting together and talking, we lost fifteen members. They expressed how annoying it is to have to talk to ‘these people.’ That's what they called them, once they had to spend time with them. 'These people.' Some of the families that left suggested the shul should've split for fear of annoying people. That was a bold move by the rabbi, telling the members he doesn’t want them. The shul split may just happen. The rabbi is not happy that fifteen of the good members left. The locked doors and security hasn't stopped any anti-Semitism. I believe it's there to keep Ben out. Minyin has problems. Members never give more than a dollar to Tzedaka. No matter how much they make, when the charity box comes around, it's a dollar. i saw one guy pull out a $100 bill. Gave a dollar. And the members never bring anything less than tens. The charity box has now run out of dollar bills. The Gabai picked up three hundred one dollar bills, five months ago. They're all gone now. The rabbi gave a class on charity, and it appears that giving a dollar does not count for a full tithe. The Minyin needs more speed at davening if we’re going to get new members. Jack davens too slow. He can’t lead. The guy doesn’t know the Chazaras HaShas repetition nod. They nodded to him and he still looked back. You turn around and start the repetition. Even I know that you start the repetition right when you get the nod, or Bernie will yell at you. For the Chanukah party, they're planning a gift swap, and the rabbi is concerned the gifts are not going to be good. He's planning on hosting a gift prep forum, to teach the members to not give anything made at the house. That includes, sweaters, socks, scarves and anything made in an oven that the cook might think is good. If it's oily and fried, it is fine for Chanukah. The rabbi said he'll allow for that. Due to the rabbi’s sermon, and the lesson of Yaakov and Esav, people only gave gifts on Chanukah to people they hated. Gifts were mainly books about self-improvement. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album IV11/18/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done to hurt the reputation of Jews.
David participated in the ending of Sukkot tradition of whacking the Aravot and leaving your trash in shul... He left his lulav there, his Aravot on the floor. He also left an old Tshirt he's been trying to get rid of for a while, on the floor.
The reason we moved to Israel. Kosher Burger King. Menu on the wall... As David shared upon his Aliyah arrival, ‘The burgers are kosher. We’ve been redeemed.' Then, he ate and expressed his amazement at how they already knew what he wanted, like a miracle, as the burger was ready before he ordered... That one guy is not happy. He didn’t want sesames on his bun.
This is why kids love Torah. Because they have Oodles in them. (see onlykoshercandy.com for how to educate kids)
Rav Goren dancing in an Israeli Army Simchat Torah celebration in 1969. You can see how shocked he is that somebody is taking a picture on the Chag. He didn't realize that his non-religious relatives followed him to Israel. (Photo: I.P.P.A.- Dan Hadani)
Mashgiach at work. And people say that kosher work is easy. Here is an example of a rabbi working hard, sitting at his post, making sure the food is kosher. To note, this rabbi received employee of the month for his commitment to staying at his location and watching over the food. (we want to thank Brian, who shared this photo with management)
Married people praying for the single people behind them to get married. The singles are sitting in the back, as they are pathetic and nobody wants to look at them. The single men are praying that there is a single woman on the other side of the Mechitza. Their prayers are not answered, but they won’t know till the end of davening. (Photo: Amanda Borschel-Dan's article in TOI)
With nursing facilities closed, this guy is trying to figure out why his kids are trying to break into the room, scoping it out. He's asking when his kids turned into a bunch of stalkin hoodlums. (Photo: The Guardian)
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This is why you don't eat with singles. All of them are fighting to make sure the other singles don't steal all the food. (Photo- NY Times of the Moishe House)
The single orthodox male thrives off of free food. The community wants to give him food. The question is how to find it. Where do you place yourself, so you can receive optimal amounts of free food, to get you through the week without cooking. To note, the correct phraseology for receiving free food is 'score.' You score free food.
We aren't worried about the single woman, as she knows how to cook. She just hasn't found somebody good looking enough to cook for yet. The single man needs food, and his survival is dependant on leftovers. Freshly cooked food is for married people. Some single men don't have the innate skill set to navigate other people's food. As I have mastered the art of taking food from others, here are some of the techniques and skills I have developed for survival and enjoyment as a single man. Leftovers Take them. Take them with pride. Married people will give them to you. If they find out you're single, they will search you out with tin pans of whatever they can find. You could be eating at a restaurant, if they find out you're single, they starting collections from the other tables and packing them for you. Feeding single people leftovers is communal. No matter how old you are, they assume that you can't cook. They're right. No single man would eat with married people if they knew how to cook. If there is no chance of meeting a girl, the single man is there for the food. You don't even have to ask, they will bag it for you. Take whatever they give you. Take whatever you can. Be Classy You already have a rep for being single. You don't to add 'no class' to that. Pretend like you don't need it. But take it. As you're carrying the tins out of the party, keep it classy. Smile and say, 'I don't need it, but thank you.' Be sure you're walking away as you say that, as they may insist that you give the food back. You don't want them to be in a position where they can grab it. Go Into Your Friend's Fridge After dinner, peruse through the upper shelves of the fridge. Never waste your time on the lower shelves. You don't need vegetables. When they ask what you're doing in their kitchen, tell them how nice it looks. Then, tell them how good the food looks. They should get the hint. If they don't, give them a blank stare with a little blush. Remember, you want to keep it classy. They will give you the food from their fridge. The subtle charity technique always works best when they want you out of their house. If you're intrusive enough, they'll empty the fridge and the pantry to ensure that you have enough food to not come back for months. Take Whatever They Give You - You Will Eat It They're throwing it out. Take it. Two weeks old? Take it. Married people can't handle two week old fish. You can. Use that to your advantage. They've become domesticated and are used to eating food that's been cooked in an oven. Some of them have never used a microwave. They wait for their food. Somebody is cooking fresh stuff nightly over in the married person's home. They can't handle the stuff from last week. Your stomach can. It has eaten your microwaved eggs for the past thirty years. Show Up to Shul Events If there is one thing the sisterhood loves to do, it's feed single people. They don't want single people in their homes, as single people are creepy, and they might be on the Family Watchdog list. Nonetheless, they want to feed the single-capable. Take what you can. Take all the tin pans they give you. Enjoy it. That food is fresh. It would be offensive to give leftovers from a community event to married people. As a single person, you walk out of that fundraiser with a smile and hands stacked in tin. Remember, part of the fundraiser is giving the single man food. Show Up to Family Events Your family will give you everything. You tried hosting them and they know how bad your food is. There's not enough room in the freezer for the cake. Take it. That's breakfast for the next month. At least you'll remember Shlomi's birthday, when you see his name on your food. Chanukah Parties Take as much oily food as you can. If the hosts aren't looking, take the bottle of oil. Preferably the liter and a half size. The oil may get to your stomach the first couple of days. After the first few days, the latkes, sufganiot and whatever sfingee thing you eat will go right through you. Holidays Show up. They will give you the leftovers. You can never have too much leftover brisket. You don't have to be invited. Take advantage of the Jewish 'Hachnasat Orchim' concept. If you look needy enough, they'll even invite you for Pesach. Can you imagine not having to Kasher you kitchen for Pesach. Taking home Seder food is a double win. Simchas Go to the wedding. When you walk out, say 'Mazel Tov' to the bride and groom, and take the souffles off the tables. People usually leave those. Crockpot Cooking If you can't find any food that you didn't pay for, use the crockpot. You'll mess up the white chicken otherwise. The great thing about the crockpot cooking technique is that whatever you make will taste like leftovers. Scavenge Do what you must. I don't suggest going through the garbage. That will hurt any chance you have of ever meeting somebody. Scavenging could be showing up to multiple homes on a Friday night. Jewish scavenging experts have the ability to find the food that was served for Friday night dinner, in the kitchen. Their ability to turn the dishes, that have been brought back into the kitchen, as buffet, shows their Hotel Breakfast in Israel Any proud single person will stack up five to eight plates at the table. It's still classy. The plates are china. The question is how to get that food home. After you've eaten, it is then time to use the napkin to swaddle the food; it is your baby, and until it is in the fridge, it must be watched over. After the food has been swaddled, you then bag it. Note of Importance: It's best to be invited to the hotel breakfast by somebody else. Remember, you don't want to have to pay for your leftovers. Bagging The bagging technique is really the key to single survival. If you don't have a bag, preferably luggage, it's impossible to take the amount that you need from your friend's house, to satisfy your weekly nourishment needs. The hotel's buffet is huge, because they know the single people have suitcases with them. Aluminum Foil To quote Yomi Groner, 'Don't forget aluminum foil. It keeps the food good for another day or two.' Many have overlooked aluminum foil since shrink wrap and Ziplocs became popular. Nonetheless, nothing hugs the leftovers as well as foil. Purchase a Microwave You need to heat up the food they gave you somehow. Stay away from ovens. You're not cooking for a family of nine. And the single man doesn't need to cook. They need to reheat. Warning: When using the microwave technique of reheating for the single man, separate the food from the aluminum foil. The survival of the single male is dependent on their ability to eat after the meal is finished. It's not what you eat at the buffet. It's not what you eat at your friend's home. It's how many dinners you took back from your friend's place. In my case, since I have mastered the technique of loading bags, it's dinners for the next month. That saves me having to eat at other people's homes again. Personally, I feel bad for the single women. They're stuck with people respecting them, thinking they know how to cook. Never try to look good. Keep it classy, but never try to look good. Bring your bag and load it up. Stack the tin pans. Scavenge their fridge. And never go to other single people for dinner; you'll walk away with nothing. Don't let shame get in the way. Getting food is a way of life. You're single. Your friends are already judging you. Your family already sees you as a failure. They’re really just giving you the leftovers because they’re worried you’ll come back for another dinner. They’re trying to get you out. So, enjoy the leftovers. Enjoy all the food people give you. And keep it classy. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeitzei11/13/2021 
Nothing went wrong in the shul, nobody did anything wrong, and the rabbi still found a way to give Musar. Our rabbi is brilliant. He always finds a way to rebuke the congregants. Even when they did nothing, he rebuked them. Greatest orator I have ever seen. As the rabbi said, ‘You people do nothing.’
There has been too much joking from the congregants, since Frank was a called a funny guy. Now everybody thinks they’re funny, because they can also do puns. It all started when the rabbi let Frank come up and do the announcements. The board thought it would be good for a member to make the announcements. The rabbi can’t stand it anymore. He even put up on his office door, ‘No puns. I will not listen to them anymore. They don’t pay me for this. I can’t pretend like you guys are funny. It makes me sick to listen to you. I get paid to deal with family crisis issues and lifecycle events. The lifecycle events have issues too. Nobody told me I would have to deal with the issues of congregants thinking that plays on words are funny. That was not in my contract. Frank is banned from the shul until this is fixed.’ Just seeing our congregants working on their homes on Sunday is embarrassing. The bad Shiptuzim, renovations, is embarrassing. Shmuel and his son were cleaning his roof with a Swiffer. I had to let Shmuel know that you can’t use a Swiffer for everything. Chanukah preparation has begun. A lot of chocolate coins. Simcha is not happy that he can’t pay his dues with them. The local butcher has made a lot of enemies with too much juice in his premade stuff. His food is amazing, but he is putting in too much juice. He’s charging $22.99 for juice. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Dear Congregants, Do I have to laugh at the congregants’ jokes? Is that my job? To listen to not funny stuff. Everybody wastes my time… ‘The rabbi is here, let’s waste his time. Got a question? Got a joke?’… If you don’t have a question, why are you coming to see me with a joke? Are there spiritual issues with your humor?... Yes. There are, Bernie… Dirty jokes would be less offensive than your humor. It offends my senses... From now on, I am making the announcements... Ever since Pinny left town, this shul has been mourning bad humor... I am going to go. VaYeitzei… That means to leave. I am going to leave if you guys tell me more bad jokes… You will feel the loss when the sisterhood and board start making all the decisions… Please stop talking in the back of the shul… Even during davening. When we are praying, you shouldn’t be talking either. The week's Torah portion begins with travel. Yaakov goes to Charan… If I knew where Charan was, I would be there. I would go… You haven’t done anything wrong. That’s the problem. You don’t do anything. You just tell me bad jokes… Do something. Do something right... Yes. I complain when you do wrong stuff... (28:10) 'And Yaakov left from Be'er Sheva.' Why does it say he left Be'er Sheva? Excellent question, which is why Rashi asks it. 'And Yaakov left’? Nobody has ever shared that piece of information. They say 'she used to live in St. Louis'... Who says 'she left'? Tell us, Bernie. It's that she moved from. Nobody says 'left this place'... Only when speaking about Topeka, because people want to leave this shul... We don't say it. They say it. They tell people they left. Does anybody remember the Goldblums? No. They left. They stopped paying dues. Nobody cares… It's not part of their life's description. Nobody showed up to Hymie Goldblum’s funeral saying he left Topeka. Nobody cared. So, he is gone. Good. Better for the community. Nobody could stand his family… We kept on sending the bulletin and calendar because we thought they would give something… They didn’t even give a donation. Somebody should’ve mentioned that at his funeral. ‘And Hymie never gave a donation, like the Feldblums’… Even more so, it's Be'er Sheva. I moved from America to Jerusalem. 'Didn't you live in Be'er Sheva in between?' I am trying to forget that. You see, they leave it out of the news.... Nobody cares about Be'er Sheva. Even when bombs were landing there, nobody in all of Israel cared. Once they came to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, that is when the news started caring about the rockets… Nobody cares about Be'er Sheva. Even when bombs were landing there, nobody in all of Israel cared. Once they came to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, that is when the news started caring about the rockets… Because nobody cares about Be’ar Sheva. Yaakov left. They are the Topeka of Israel. If I left Topeka… Tel Aviv and Jerusalem are important cities... Nobody cares about Be'er Sheva, and nobody cares about people leaving Be'er Sheva, since Yaakov... If you already lost Yaakov, it's not a big deal to lose Avigail... We’ve got to start caring about people leaving our shul. Be’er Sheva is still mourning Yaakov’s departure… It's hard to care when the Goldblums leave. I understand. The only question is how will the community survive. We need new members. We have to stop people from moving to Israel. Who is going to pay the dues… Rashi teaches why we start this week's portion with stating that Yaakov left Be'er Sheva. Because when a Tzadik leaves a city, it is felt. We miss the presence of a righteous individual. We care. Nobody cared when Yankel left… It leaves a mark on the town. When a Tzadik is in a city, 'He is the beauty,' he is the good of the city… If I left Topeka… Is there truly anything else beautiful here? Nobody felt a thing when Mr. Horwitz left. To be honest we were all happy. He is not a tzaddik, nor are his children. Is there anybody in this community we would care about? If Mrs. Tabkook left, I believe we would be relieved. Maybe the person that took her seat would pay dues... We would care if Sadie left. She makes a good choolante. That would be felt… We don't care about the Goldblums... Because people get involved and ruin it. If Sadie left, Michelle would start making choolante. It would be messed up... Pinny was a Tzadik... His humor was better than Franks... OK. Not a Tzadik. Just somebody who didn't ruin the personality of the shul... May we all merit to do at least some good for this congregation and may we have a reason to care about Be'er Sheva again... What happened on his journey? (Bereishit 28:11-14) He takes rocks and places them around his head and he dreams about a ladder going up to heaven and ‘angels of Gd are going up and down it’… Pillows weren’t fluffy back then. They didn’t have My Pillow… People probably slept on ladders. You sleep right in the middle of davening, Yossi… Pews are not more comfortable than ladders. They make pews uncomfortable so that people don’t sleep during services. The 95 degree angle, hard unpolished wood... H’ stands over Yaakov and tells him that the land he is lying on is going to be for his seed. Yaakov is fleeing and H' is talking about his offspring... The focus isn't on himself. It's on his future. Does anybody care about the future of this shul?... You wouldn't be raising Michael and Tizi like that if you cared... They run around. Little Pinny is crazy... H' continues to tell him He is going to have offspring like the dust of the earth… You make people not want to birth... People work for their next generation. They want it good for their kids. You won't even hire a youth director... We need somebody directing these kids away from the shul... So, that we can daven, Rachel. (Bereishit 28:15) H’ continues to tell him that he will be with him. He continues, 'I will guard you wherever you go… I will not forsake you until I have done what I promised you’… H’ sticks around, unlike the Michaelson family who left to Florida last week, for the winter... I’ve been forsaken but the congregation… Every winter, half of the congregants forsake us for heat... Charan wasn't warmer than Be'er Sheva... Then he wakes up from his dream… That’s enough of a dream. Ever have one of those dreams where Gd is telling you that your offspring is going to be running the land... Not building a house. The ladder was for the angels. What do we do on our journey? Do we dream or do we do. Nobody remembers the dream. The dream is what gets us there. Yaakov didn't just dream. We remember Yaakov because of what he did in Be’er Sheva. The people missed him... After the dream, he does. He doesn't just write it in his journal... They didn't have psychologists back then... People weren't crazy talking to Gd, because they didn't have people analyzing... Dr. Froidman is a heretic. The dream about leaving Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah was reality. If you leave, this shul the kids will want to... (Bereishit 28:16-22) He takes the stone from his head and makes a monument. He says that if he returns in peace, as H’ promised, this will be a place of worship, of H’… Yaakov does stuff. He made that vow and he did it... You haven't built anything. Your paper mache is messed up too.... He doesn’t say, ‘If I come back, I will make a calendar’… No more shul calendars. The times never change… Every organization thinks they’ll make money off a calendar… Yakov was aware, as he says, (Bereishit 28:16) ‘H’ is in this place and I didn’t know it.’ How many times are we not aware of our surroundings?... Then you realize you're in shul and you still talk the whole time... The whole of Shacharit you're talking. Aware!... It’s about doing something when you have that chance. When you realize. Yakov realized he didn’t notice something. Once he noticed, he did something… Nobody has fixed the leak in the ceiling. Nobody has fixed the quilt… Nobody cares that it was put together by the community. We need something nice... A nice quilt would be nice. Nobody gave the rabbi a raise… You know you haven’t given him one… Yaakov was speaking of the future spot of the Beit Hamikdash, when he made his monument. And we build a small shul here. We need a mega shul… Yes. The Beit Hamikash was a Mega Shul… No microphones, but great acoustics. It’s amazing what you can do with acoustics… Things happen when there is Hakarat Hatov. Recognizing the good. Yaakov’s good was recognized by the people of Be’er Sheva. Yaakov recognized H’s good. Nobody recognizes what I do for this shul... When you care, your presence is felt… When you sit in the back, like Frank, and go to Kiddish club, nobody cares about you... Stealing is wrong... Lavan steal from Yaakov. The butcher charging 22.99 for juice is theft... The Goldblums should give a donation to the shul. Rivka Thoughts on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Everybody went back to buying raw meat. The rabbi considered the people to be the personality of the shul. I thought he meant the personalities. But he meant the personality, in singular. I thought the personality was the quilt by the ark. He realized that one person with a bad sense of humor can kill the whole shul. He never ends his sermons with a pleasantry, kind of like he’s writing a letter. He always starts relaxed and then gets angry at the end. Always ends very abruptly. They were talking the whole davening. You could hear them. The whole shul. They didn’t even try to whisper. It was a loud talk. Not a scream, but a loud talk. More than room level. That’s how Bryan talks. Very loud. The whole shul could hear it. Bryan thinks he's talking to Bernie or Max all the time. He thinks it's tradition to talk loud in shul. Yes. There are old people. You reserve loud for them. You scream at old people. Max once asked me what he did wrong. I had to yell at him, 'It's not your fault. You're old.' He was talking to Dave. Dave's fifty. He hasn't even reached his sixties yet. There's no reason to yell at him. After the Bryan screaming fiasco, the rabbi decided it was good to let them all go out to the Kiddish club. This way he wouldn’t have to see them in the shul. It was between talking in shul or talking at the Kiddish club. I checked out the Kiddish club. Bryan doesn't talk when he's drinking. The board brought up the idea of a bar in shul. Kim figured it will help reduce the noise level if they're drinking. She didn't realize that after they're drinking they start talking again; if you're not drinking, that is louder. The rabbi went off on the calendars. I asked other members of the shul. It turns out that each of them got fifteen to twenty calendars this year from organizations. The rabbis right. You only need three. The rabbi did start speaking about his beauty, which made everybody uncomfortable. Later on, he said he was talking of his spiritual beauty, but it was still uncomfortable. He sounded like a wrestler from the 1980s. Most similar to ‘The Macho Man’ Randy Savage. When he stopped talking about his beauty, a breath of fresh air was felt. The rabbi said that breath of fresh air was his beauty. His spiritual beauty. Come to think of it, nobody really did care about the Godlblums leaving. The rabbi said how unimportant every person is in the shul was. He went through all of the names. He mainly focused on the back left. We have to take more pride in our rabbi. Other shuls are pushing their rabbis on all their flyers. Their websites are full of their rabbis. I think our rabbi was mentioning his beauty to get on a flyer. He's hurt that he hasn't been pushed. A couple weeks down the road, the shul put the rabbi on the flyer and he stopped threatening to leave. We tried building a mega shul, but we didn’t have the membership. The 110 family membership didn’t call for a stadium. Before My Pillow, I couldn’t find a decent pillow. Now, I go to Walmart and pick up some Mainstays. Love it. Great brand. I am sticking with Mainstays. I think that My Pillow commercial got me thinking to buy a new pillow. When the rabbi brought up Hymie Goldblum, many were saddened. They started thinking about their demise, and they went out and spent their money. There was a shul trip to the casino, at The Passings. Nobody donated money to the shul. After seeing the age of the people hanging out at The Passings, Francine called it The Passings Away. That got the rabbi mad again. Francine started going at least twice a week. She believes it is preparing her for her afterlife. Tags:
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On Yom Kippur, I want to be at a relaxed Minyin. I don’t want to be at one that's in-tents.
You get it? With COVID, many shuls are having services in tents. People are also very intense. Amazing. An Etrog is the only item in which "BiDots" is not kosher. You get it? Badatz is a kosher certification in Israel. It sounds the same as 'BiDots.' ‘Bi’ as a prefix can mean ‘with,’ in Hebrew, and an Etrog can’t be with dots. Another amazing bilingual pun. We are your source for puns that you have to be multilingual to understand. I knew something fishy was going on when I saw lox on all the doors. You get it? Lox is a fish. Locks are used on doors. Fish are created on the fifth day. Do you hear it? Think phonetically. Like any good pun, it has to be told, not written. The most brilliant pun yet. I do my job religiously. I always wear my Yarmulka at work. You get it? Wearing a Yarmulke is religious. Working diligently is religious too. Mordechai is a good Jew, and brilliant. What do you call a bird with good Hebrew grammar? A dikduck. You get it? Dikduk means grammar in Hebrew. Substituting 'duk' with 'duck.' Brilliant. And the animals are laughing too. Why did they say Psalms for the sick man? Because they wanted To-HEaL-hIM. You get it? We say Tehillim (psalms) for sick people. You want to heal them. Avraham wasn't well after the bris... Avraham was very serious about burying Sarah, so he buried her in a grave. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Grave means serious, and it's also where you bury people. Avraham buries Sarah in the Cave of Machpela in Chevron. Puns are about the lesson. Tags:
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The Jewish Catalog left out the stalking people to get into the hotel fix it.
Vacationing as a Jew can be hard. At some point all good Jews will be stuck in a hotel or the wilderness on Shabbat, and nobody is ever fully prepared. Asides from finding kosher food, the greatest concern is how to make for your beautiful Shabbat when the Four Seasons has no idea how to make a decent kishka.
I don’t know if all of these are acceptable fix its according to Jewish law. Even so, these are all fix its that I've heard or learned from other Jews over the years. Electronic Door Fix It Your goal is to get into your hotel room. However, the anti-Semites have decided to make hotel keys electronic. They couldn't keep us out of the country clubs that banned us. They're not going to keep us out of hotels with non-kosher food. Your first fix it is to tie a string to the door handle and to run the string down and outside of the door. This way, you can pull the inside handle from the outside and anybody who looks down can break in easier. Make sure you have tape, as the string is sure to fall or slip off the handle, which is very disappointing to the passerby who can’t take your stuff now. You'll want to watch out for cats that might be roaming around the hotel, who like to play with yarn. You can do this or leave the door open. Either way, you want to make it easy for people to access your stuff. Your second fix it is the 'Do Not Disturb' sign in your door, where the door lock latch bolt is now stopped by the sign that you stuck into the door. This was created by a Jew I know who was proficient at breaking into homes with credit cards. The 'Do Not Disturb' sign is perfect for this as it is sends a strong message to the person breaking into your room, to keep it quiet when in your room, especially if somebody is sleeping; manners come first. The worst is when room service messes up your fix it. With the placement of the 'Do Not Disturb' sign in the door itself, and not on the handle, you want to watch out for room service. They'll kill this rig, coming in and making your bed. Third fix it. Leave door unlocked and place the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the outer handle. I Building an Eruv There was no room at the Four Seasons and you were not willing to downgrade to the Holiday Inn, so you are camping. Now you are in the wilderness and need to build an Eruv to create an enclosure for yourself with a string, so that you can carry, all because you are not willing to stay in a hotel that has a non-electronic front door option for Shabbat. As a religious Jew, non-electronic doors are beneath you. People use fishing lines, and not rope, as a fishing line does not sag as much and it’s harder to see. If people trip over your Eruv or choke themselves, you’ve built it correctly. Electric Door To Building Fix It As if hotels haven't done enough with the electronic keys, they've spread their anti-Semitism to the whole real estate market. Most of the staff at these hotels are trying to figure out why the Jews are so quiet on Friday nights. It's because most of them have no idea how to get in. Why they pay for hotels over Shabbat still baffles me. Entering a building with electronic doors can be very hard and time consuming. What you want to do in this circumstance is wait right by the front door till somebody is entering the building for themselves, and then walk in right when they do. Right after them. You can try to avoid the awkwardness of this encounter by mimicking their exact walk, as Mr. Bean would. Remember to mock them. This will take the attention off of the fact that you are Jewish and creepy. It might get you a reputation as a stalker in the area. Nonetheless, if you are not attacked by the person you are following, you are OK and you can enjoy the rest of your Shabbat. If you are attacked, it should be an atonement for staying at the hotel that does not have regular doors. The following people on Shabbat method works best if you study the other people's daily patterns. No Eruv Shabbat Key Belt Fix It Best way to get in and out of your place with no Eruv is to use the Shabbat key belt. The idea of the Shabbat key belt is to make the key a usable part of the belt and to make sure the belt looks off. You do this by dressing in your finest Shabbat clothes, while fashioning a belt whose buckle is the key. Best way to do it is to take your regular leather belt and destroy it. You can also purchase the Shabbat belt on Amazon, which is basically a child safety strap with hooks on it. It should look like a dog collar that got messed up. If you are stuck with no belt that you want to destroy and no child safety Shabbat accessories, you can take an undergarment elastic band and connect it around your waist with a key, and then hold up your pants with that. As long as you look like a fool, you are fine. The main idea is to have people wondering why you went to such lengths to not have to carry a key chain. You can also use a bag shoulder strap. Some of the canvas bags have extremely durable shoulder straps. If you're lucky, and not too heavy, somebody may carry you through the front door of the hotel. Praying with A Community Fix It Go to shul. This is how you fix that. Shabbat Tablecloth Fix It Hotel towels. They are white and make for a comfortable tablecloth when you are coming out of the shower. The towel tablecloth is also great for spills. If you don’t have a tallit, you can also double a towel as a tallit, if you are willing to destroy and keep hotel property. Once you've already added the tassels, they will have no argument when you take this towel out of the hotel. Grape Juice Fix It You forgot wine and can’t make the Kiddush blessing the way you like to. Don’t fear. Take raisins and let them sit in boiling water. Then, squeeze out what you have in the raisin and voila. That’s it. Two hours later, you have grape juice. Start up a juice making factory in your hotel room and you too can make your beautiful vacation Shabbat. If starting a factory is too much for you, you can go to the supermarket. Havdalah Candles Fix It For the Havdalah candle, it is best to have many wicks, put together. For this reason, if you do not have a Havdalah candle, you want to take two candles and hold them together, so that wax can drip on your fingers. If you do not have that, I have seen people take two matches from the hotel matchbox and bring them together. As long as there’s danger of first degree burns you are doing Havdalah right. Lighting fires is not allowed in hotels; however, matchboxes make for great advertisement, so they are there. Tiki candles can also be used for Havdalah, lighting on Friday night, luaus, and burning holes in anything you put them on that is not glass. Pack Everything You Need & Food Fix It That is the only way to ensure you will have a decent Shabbat on the road. Pack the Havdalah candles, spices, rope, tape, fishing wire, child safety belts, Mana Chamas, all of Meal Mart and salami. Packing is the first and most important step of the Jewish travel fix it. So, don’t pack anything other than the kosher food and Shabbat necessities. Every town sells socks. All countries have clothes. Don’t pack those. Not everybody sells decent choolant. Pack that. You don’t want to have to run into town on vacation trying to find fish tackle, to ensure that skin is pierced when one trips over your Eruv Booby Trap. The number one fix it for the Jewish kosher traveler is to go to New York City for your vacation. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Toldot11/5/2021 
Anti-Semitism has reached new heights in the shul. The cleaning staff that comes in for the week blames the Jews for the dirtiness in the shul. One of the cleaning staff complained that they don’t want to come into a place that is dirty. The shul’s secretary told them that cleaning didn’t sound like the right job for her, as people are usually cleaning dirt. She told the rabbi she was offended, and she only wants to clean places that are clean. She loves cleanliness. To quote, ‘That’s why I got involved in cleaning.’ So, she’s also blaming the Jews for the dirt; the dirt and sacrificing children for Matzah.
At the minor league baseball game, somebody blamed the Jews in the front row for the loss. Asides from the fact that Pinchas caught the foul ball that would’ve ended the game, it should not have been blamed on Jews. The whole people was blamed for Pinchas. It makes me question if Pinchas should wear his Kippah in public. It appears that these local anti-Semites will blame Jews for everything. It’s always ‘those Jews.’ One anti-Semite stubbed her toe on the bus and yelled, ‘Those Jews.’ Now the kids are reading the Parsha sheets at the table. The rabbi’s plea to stop sending home sheets to be read has been overridden by the teachers. Now they’re having the kids read the Parsha Divrei Torah. It is so much worse. It went much quicker when the parents were reading. These kids read so slow. Which is why I suggested to have after school reading lessons for the kids; to help us get through Friday night meals in our town. The new shul president is big on kiddish catering. Everybody is enjoying the food. The fact that the sisterhood has no say anymore is loved by all. Now, the sisterhood members have to fight with their spouses. We started a community retainment program. The new concept is to keep people in the shul, once they come. We’ve extended Kiddish with dinner and then board games. The Chazin is doing his job. He's extended his notes. The rabbi is not a fan of the Chazin's role in retainment. He's not happy with the Chazin's role in the shul. The youth group kids don’t leave shul at all. They stay all day on Shabbat. The services are not the draw. People come for food. We retain people now with promised Kiddishes every Shabbat. We don’t allow people to take it home. If we did, they wouldn’t be in shul. We’ve noticed that the Bikur Choim Matzah Ball soup campaign draws more people to shul, when we serve it to the sick people at shul. I suggested building an apartment complex at the shul. That will allow for more retainment as well. If they don’t leave, we’ll have a better chance of retaining them. If they leave, they might find another shul, or golf to do on Shabbat. The rabbi converted four more people last week. That’s four more people that won’t pay dues. If there were dues paid, we wouldn’t need Bingo. But we need the Bingo volunteers. Some are arguing its gambling. They suggested to have slot machines instead. People can play the slots when they come to shul, and the members would end up paying their dues. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom uMvorach We’ve retained new members… The food does it… Nobody wants your puns, Chaim. You chase away people with your annoying conversation… It’s not a retainer. We're talking aout retainin members… Money would work to retain members… The new shul parking lot is going to be built two blocks away from the shul. That is where you all park on Shabbat already… This way, the shul parking lot will be used... Exactly. You shouldn’t drive on Shabbat. But we have to think about our members… We saw what happened at Sinai. When members making decisions, bad things happen… The shul is now dirty as anything… Because you pick up nothing. Your kid eats half a lollipop and drops it… You don't pick up after him Mark. And now we've lost a cleaning lady... She doesn't want to work around dirt. There’s been much fighting in this community this week. Many of you feel that Bingo is gambling, but there are people in this synagogue that understand the importance of a building fund… If you paid your dues, we wouldn’t need Bingo… The building fund is because you don’t pay your dues… Then help with something. Fix the leak. Get a wrench and fix it… All the fights about Bingo. And now you’re fighting about the parking lot being too far from the shul to have Bingo… This week is when we see the constant bickering of Yaakov & Esav, like Sadie and Francine… The sisterhood fights… They were even fighting in her stomach... There were no Legos. No Weebles. No Tonka in there. But kids still fight. Rashi continues to say they were running different ways. Yaakov would try to run out when passing the Beit Midrash, house of Torah study. Esav would try to run out when they passed the house of idol worship (Rashi 25:22)… Torah was always around… Yes. Even before there was Torah. Before Torah, there was Torah. That was the Torah that Yaakov learned… How? I don’t know. But he learned it. Good and evil can’t get along. Look at me and the shul’s president. Look at him. It’s a Shanda… (Bereishit 25:22) Rivka asks 'If this is so (after living fine without having kids and not having to pay for their Jewish Day School education) Why is this happening me?' A question I ask myself about this shul every Shabbat… I see the evil and I see Sarah. One decent person in this shul, and she’s not on the board. (Rashi) She wants to know why she has to deal with this pregnancy. Why a pregnancy that she will have to remind her children about every day of their lives?... Francine is still complaining about Mark. He’s seventy-two. Let it go… Why a pregnancy that the Jewish people will have to hear about forever? I've heard of mother's complaining of a hard labor. But this is millennia of complaints. The most talked about labor, and it doesn't stop.... It doesn't stop, because that fighting is still going on in the world, today. And that fighting is still going on in our congregation. Look at the sisterhood. And mothers are still complaining. And dads are still educating their children wrong and picking favorites. And the quilt is still right here. Ugly as anything… You fight it. You fight the evil and talk of it all the time. Bernie... When will it stop? (Bereishit 25:23) H' tells her 'There are two nations within you.' Nothing positive. Nothing redeeming. Just that your kids are going to constantly bicker. Like the children of this congregation who... Mrs. Goldwitz, I don't know if you're disciplining your children at home, but nobody likes hearing the domestics in the middle of Musaf. 'Get out of shul!!!' You're screaming at the kids… I got scared... I’ve left the synagogue on occasion; scared you were screaming at me. If there is any time for an abortion this is it.... Is that what we want in this shul? Two different people fighting all the time... 'Gambling is wrong,' they say. 'Fighting is wrong,' I say. We don't want a Jewish Edom experience. Now, I understand the shul has not seen much of the Bingo monies and many people claim the rabbi is siphoning funds... Changes can happen. (Bereishit 25:21) Yitzchak prays for Rivka to have a baby, and she conceives. H’ has to accept our prayers… Be better. Be better than Michael and your prayers will be answered… You don’t even pray to have children. You have them and you don’t even thank H’... Prayer can help with change. I am praying that people will raise money for the building fund… We need retention. We need liveliness. We need a Chazin who doesn’t… The tunes kill our retention efforts… Nobody cares if they’re meaningful. Are you at the Kiddish club? Do you hear the fights… The tunes are killing the shul. There would be no Bingo fights if the Chazin did a better Musaf… We can make things better. We are here today praying. Is anybody praying to get rid of the Chazin?... There are two ways to run a shul. Two different ideas. The messed-up way, and then there is listening to your rabbi… That’s the right way… Why are you listening to Linda? Who is Linda?... Less food is messed up… Bingo is not gambling. It’s hoping that you’ll win. Hope is prayer. It’s the thrill of yelling ‘Bingo’… It happens not very often. But when you have that thrill… Bingo is a fundraiser for the shul. Bingo is a Mitzvah… Inviting anti-Semites is not the right way to run the shul… If they’re playing Bingo. It’s fine. The point is that we can't run the shul the wrong way. There will always be hatred of good by the wrong way. Such as Bernie... As Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai says, ‘Esav hates Yakov.’ Morty hates Max too. The cleaning crew hates to clean dirt… Yes. The cleaning staff are anti-Semites. (Bereishit 25:30) Esav tells Yakov to ‘pour into me some of your red red stuff…’ He hates him, but he’s fine with him, as long as there is soup. Nobody fights when they’re eating soup… We need soup to retain the membership. We need soup at Bingo… A watery choolante is fine. Add some croutons to that… You never offered the cleaning staff Kiddish... At least make some decent soup. Sharing soup can make it all better. It can bring down the level of hatred. Even if just for a day. People will come for soup… Everybody gets along when there is enough soup… It’s winter. We don’t need gazpacho. How many times do I have to argue with Rachel about this… No. That’s not the smell of lentil soup. That’s from Bingo… That’s smoke, you’re smelling… You can’t have Bingo with no smoking… When you gamble, you lose stuff. When you’re going off a whim, you lose stuff. You make bad decisions. The shul quilt. Bad decision… Bingo is not gambling. It’s a fundraiser… Esav would’ve parked in the shul parking lot… You retain people when they have a place to park. You retain people when you do Mitzvot, have a Bingo campaign, give them food, a decent lentil soup, and give them a place to park… We already have evil members not doing Mitzvot… The Chazin’s Musaf doesn’t retain… Soup. Lentil soup every Shabbis. The new shul catering staff… We’re paying people now, because they cleanup after they finish. We can't retain the cleaning crew if we don't cleanup. They're mad about cleaning... The sisterhood was fighting too much… You never cleaned. You just fought about the Stella D’oros. A lot of evil. This is why the shul can't move along. Thank you to the president. Evil… Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The rabbi’s speeches getting longer also helps retain people. The rabbi blames the Chazin for everything. Even the lack of retention is being blamed on the Chazin. His tunes do go real long. The long tunes keep people in shul though. There's something redeeming about the Chazin there, but the rabbi won't see it. Rabbis hat Chazins, to quote a Gemara somewhere. The rabbi hates that quilt. He talks about it every Shabbis. The following week, no kids came to shul. The principal reported that all kids in school that week were complaining that their parents were complaining about how hard it was to raise them. One kid, for show-and-tell brought in her birth certificate which had a handwritten ’30 hours of labor.’ Her mom kept that as proof. She showed it to her everytime she didn't take out the garbage. Bingo wasn’t making enough money, so they consulted with a casino arcade. The religious themed slot machines in the front of the shul are a bit gaudy. Even so, there is no feeling like getting three Lords in a row. The rabbi got rid of that machine after a couple months, claiming that there is only one Lord. He then went on from the Rambam's teachings of one Gd, to reading Lord of the Rings to the congregation, to saying Lord of the Rings is forbidden. It was all very confusing. The cleaning staff still hasn't helped clean from Bingo. They still call the people that come for Bingo, Jews. There might be a couple of Jews, but it's usually local people who can't afford the new casino in Faytville. They're convinced Bingo is a service. They won't accept that the caller is not a Chazin. A few months later, we had to get a new cleaning crew. When they saw the place was clean, they noticed that they had time to dust. Dusting got them real mad. The parking lot was built and it was a great success. The problem is that many of the more almost Shomer Shabbis members don’t like people seeing them park. So they started parking four blocks away. Himelstein is parking further away than his home. I think he has an issue with walking from his home on Shabbat. The soup campaign started working. More members were coming to shul. The sick people came. The whole ordeal of delivering soup to their homes was over. They started coming to Kiddish. They got their soup and they were happy. More people in the shul got sick, but it was fine, as we had soup there. After a couple of weeks of people not feeling well, they added Matzah Balls to the soup and everybody felt better. The sisterhood always fights. They make Kiddish and fight. If they went to the Kiddish club before going to set-up for Kiddish, they would be more relaxed. They're not even setting up anymore, and they still fight about the caterer. The caterer gave up after two weeks and let the sisterhood takeover the setup, so they could fight while doing something. We still have the caterer, to ensure that nobody gets injured. The rabbi just got back from Israel. He went on a quick trip because he missed going for Parshat Chayei Sarah. He came back with the ‘uMVorach’ added to the ‘Shabbat Shalom.’ We learn that Yitzchak is told not to leave Israel, so the rabbi became very Israeli, and then left. The shul needs a cleanup. People are letting things just stay on the floor. Kids drop stuff and that is fine somehow. These parents nowadays can’t parent anymore. They’re afraid to tell their kids they’re wrong. They’ll scream at the soccer referee. The soccer ref has kicked parents out of games for thinking their kids are the best. I was happy to see our rabbi adopt this method of getting the annoying parents out of the shul. The rabbi gave a red flag to Mark's mom. Finally. It's been ninety-two years. A new fitness facility was built in the shul. There are no mats, just carpeting. The board refuses to change the carpet-look of the shul. It's tradition. Tags:
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Jewish Superheroes Among Us11/2/2021
We decided that the Israeli Superhero Uri-On could be more Jewish if we added a Kippah. We just took away his greatest power of not being Shomer Shabbat, given to him by his friend Chiloni Woman, who blames Dati Jews for everything, like buses that don't run on Shabbat.
Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology.
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it. If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English. Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante. Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin. Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things. Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite. Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak. Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul. Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’ Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other. Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher. Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk. Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money. Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man. Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish. Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil. New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate. Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers. Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources. Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man. Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him. Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence. Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread. Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling. Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas. Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat. Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse. Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing. Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him. Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People. Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we... I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat. Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism. May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Chayei Sarah10/29/2021 
The unemployed people are all coming in purple, from the grape juice and wine crush. Somehow, word got out that they needed Jews to work. Otherwise, the wine won't be kosher. Pinchas was the first one out to the crush. He was bragging about the value of his Jewish hands. He was telling everybody at the Kiddish club that he is 'getting paid for these, baby!' Those were his words.
They want orthodox Jews that keep Shabbat to be watching over the grapes. All I know is their hands are disgusting. Fish cakes somehow showed up on the kosher shelf at the supermarket. Nobody knows what they are. It is assumed they were first in the kosher freezer section. People are worried that the greater community thinks that Jews will eat anything. Since receiving the free packages this past summer, I am convinced that they will feed their kids anything they get for free. I even saw a pizza sandwich in one of those. Fish cakes and pizza sandwiches, cold. The JCC was closed for a few days. Their sewage was backed up. The congregation put on a good 280 pounds total. Shul talent show. We had time. Nothing happened. It was so bad, the rabbi didn't even mention it in his sermon. The rabbi doesn't like embarrassing people. The show was an embarrassment. It was people sitting around and waiting for somebody to signup. The sheet was the show. There's no talent in our shul. One person got up and gave a speech. No poetry. I wouldn't even call it prose. It was a thought they had. They shared it on stage because nobody talks to them during Kiddish. There was one instrument. One of the kids took up the harmonica. They figured it was the next step up from human beatboxing. The shul got yellow tape to finally put around the shul, on the edge of the step in the back. Max was complaining about it for months, after he tripped and ended up in the hospital. He chose not to sue, but to complain instead. We didn’t go to Chevron as a community, though the rabbi suggested it. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom Ya’ll, We had a Minyin this week. The JCC was closed. It’s too cold for golf. People came to shul… It’s either physical activity or caring about Gd. Can’t do both… Then do them both… It takes the closing of the JCC… I have been telling everybody here to take care of their health. I wanted to start a weekly dodgeball game in the social hall… First dibs on the Chazin… (Bereishit 23:1) ‘And it was, the life of Sarah…’ Sarah lived. She didn’t just mope all day like Rachel. She lived… I walk into this shul, I feel death. It's like a whiff of fresh death every time I see the back left of the shul. It's so depressing... Let’s see how Sarah lived… Did she go to workout or did she connect with Gd?... She did both, Rachel. You can’t serve Gd and breathing like Benjamin who can’t sing anymore. How do you get too out of shape to sing?!... Cooking in the 2,000 BCEs, you have to be in shape. You had to catch the gazel first. You had to plant the dough. Singing, you also had to be in shape... You sung and mountain lions would attack you... If you hit a high-pitched harmony. Like in Tov Lehodos... You don't live to 127 by eating fish cakes... No. She didn’t cook fish cakes. What’s with these fish cakes? What happened to fried fish? She was an excellent cook… To live, you have to eat healthy… Who eats fish for dessert? Are they serving fish danish... Gummy fish are a dessert side dish. (Bereishit 23:2) 'And Sarah died in Kiryat Arba, which is Chevron.' Which is quite convenient… How did she pass away by Ma’arat HaMachpela, where she is buried? Convenience. As H' has shown us again and again. Why does the Torah have to tell us all of this? Because none of you study your geography. The Torah has to spend its time telling you where Kiryat Arba is… Then visit Israel every once in a while. And where was Chevron?... In Canaan! It was not in Palestine. A little lesson in geography, from your rabbi... What's with Palestine and this congregation? Is CNN teaching Jewish History at the day school now?... Are we doing the shul trip to Chevron?! It talks of Sarah's life. Not her death. 'Chayei Sarah.' Sarah's life. And what have you to show of your life?... She mothered a nation, Rachel. A whole people… You have two kids… Benjamin is out of shape… Couldn’t even play freeze tag with Bayla… Stop thinking about death... I know that Simmy passed. But he lived a life more meaningful than the back left... He paid his dues, Frank... Why did she pass away? There was no biopsy, so we are not sure. Rashi quotes Genesis Rabbah and the midrash teaches that the death of Sarah is reported right after the almost sacrifice of Yitzchak to teach us that it was the news of the sacrifice that caused the death. Have you seen the local news? It’s always murder. It scares you. It’s a shocker. News is never good… Whenever Bernie says ‘I have good news,’ I’m very skeptical… Because it’s always bad, Bernie… It’s death or Israel is moving someplace outside of Israel… Every day, I hear about different locations of Israel from this congregation. But Sarah lived. It was the shock of her son doing something crazy... Not doing anything with your life is crazy, Benjamin. Her son was willing to be sacrificed... No, Benjamin. I don’t know which one is crazier. Her son was willing to have himself sacrificed. You do nothing. A mother cannot bear to hear either… Back then, they lived in the house till their hundreds. It was a different time... Palestine’s location in all of Israel is crazy… She would’ve killed herself because of this shul… Hide your hands. They're purple, Pinchas. It's an embarrassment. Your mother would kill herself if she saw... She would have a lot of nachis that you finally got a job. And she would have nachis that your hands touched everything that Jews drink. And then she would kill herself... Don't they have machines? Are you crushing by hand? They are so purple... Her son was willing to have himself sacrificed... No, Benjamin. I don’t know which one is crazier. A mother cannot bear to hear about her son sacrificing himself. Bryan. The only decent player on the team. He sacrificed. Could've won if other Jewish kids in our town could play basketball… Even if the reasons are holy. The emotional pain is what killed her… The sacrifices I make for this shul… When my mother heard I took the job for this shul, she was shocked. She knew I would never make good money with congregants who don’t pay their dues… No nachis... This congregation is too out of shape to hear bad news… Does this congregation even care? Do you care if your parents are living? They can’t live with you in the house at thirty-two, Benjamin… Yitzchak helped out around the house... He slaughtered the cattle. Your hands aren't even purple, Benjamin. And how many of the members in this congregation don't take into account their parents? Not getting jobs out of college. Your parents spent $35,000 a year on college and now you are back at home without a job? Do you want to give your mom and dad a heart attack? The emotional pain of having to see your child again, after university is a cause of much early death... You being at home is not a sacrifice Benjamin. You have sacrificed nothing to play NBA 3K... Purple hands. At least. Stay out of the gangs. I understand that there's good money to be made on the streets, with drugs. However, you have parents and they worry. We're all worried, asides from Mrs. Chayshenbaum who just bought her new home with the help of Locos MS18. Our local community, upper middle class gangsters. Chai! My man. I wish you much success with your new gangster raps about growing up in the private schools and gated hoods genre works out... Think about your parents. And think about your synagogue. Support your shul and use your money well. Make your parents proud. Shlomki Chayshebaum, thank you for the big donation. Locos MS18 your plaque is going up this week. We will put it on the outside of the building. This way you won't have to tag the shul anymore... It’s about love and care. Efron says he will give Avraham the land to bury Sarah for free. Avraham insisted on paying Efron for the field. (Bereishit 23:13) ‘I’ll give the price of the field, take it from me, and I will bury my dead there.’ He buries Sarah. That is his Mitzvah. He wants to do it. He insists on paying. Does anybody here know how much Kiddish costs... You eat it... I am suggesting that you donate Kiddish. Avraham would've donated Kiddish for Sarah... He already bought the field and it's a Mitzvah... Making brachot and eating on Shabbat is a Mitzvah... (Bereishit 23:15) Efron says, ‘400 silver shekels, between us, what is it?’ It’s a lot of money… He charges that for Avraham to bury Sarah, even though he was going to give it to him for free. Efron is a good negotiator… I don’t know what Benjamin negotiated with his parents. He definitely has not paid dues. He’s still on the family plan… That ends at twenty-five, Benjamin... You're thirty two. At least donate a Kiddish... We'll take 400 shekels. For the shul, what is it? A lot of money... Sarah cared. She 'lived.' When you care, you are living. Avraham cared. He buried Sarah... That's part of life. Let us use our life, our money for good. As Abraham who used his money to bury Sarah, the truest form of kindness... Donate a Kiddish. Pay your dues. Donate lessons to our children. Basketball can work. They are clueless... Music lessons. Talent in this shul would be appreciated. Singing lessons. That would make Shacharit bearable. Show care for your rabbi. Rent an apartment for yourself and show some kindness to your parents. 400 shekels is very little nowadays. Give your parents some money. Nachis is not happening… At least exercise. Move… Join the shul walking group… I know the JCC is not open... A mother who cared about her child. The loss hit her… She loved seeing their talents... This shul has no talent. Harmonica is not talent. You can’t live if you don’t care about your children. You can’t live if your child is running around the shul. It’s not even the halls Rachel. She is running around the sanctuary… THe sanctuary is not a place for hide-and-go-seek... Eliezer is not a good example. He’s also messed up. The Grunfelds can’t parent… Where is Adam… I know he’s your husband... Can somebody find him. The shul cares. They got yellow tape... For safety. Safety is key for living. That's why we don't play hide-and-go-seek in the shul. We have yellow tape... And the nation lives on through Ma’arat HaMachpelah... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha I believe 15 people became religious upon hearing that it's a Mitzvah to eat on Shabbat. They all said, 'We can do that for Gd.' Benjamin is still living with his parents, and I think the rabbi gave pride to the gang members. The Grunfelds just moved to our town a month ago. The rabbi immediately included them as important members of the congregation. Them, along with the new Gabai, the rabbi is ripping on all of them. How the rabbi took Akeydat Yitzchak and turned Sarah’s death into an appeal for him to get a raise, is brilliance that can only be seen from Rabbi Mendelchem. He can do anything with a Dvar Torah. It’s an art. Middle of his sermon, the rabbi threw a paper towel at the Chazin. Said, ‘Got you.’ The rabbi turned back around and everybody ducked. It turns out he was demonstrating dodgeball. Nobody was excited about having used paper towels thrown at their face, let alone a ball. The talent show was a hit. Had a concert series in the shul, to follow. Some of the guys were talking during the show. That got a lot of nasty head turns. Turned out that the one who shushed them talks in shul all the time. But this was a concert. You don’t talk during a concert. Everybody knows that. It’s disrespectful. Talking in shul is a different story. Speaking about the shul, the bright yellow tape is a real hit. People like it much more than the quilt. We later had a dedication ceremony for Max. There was a plaque put on the tape, ‘Dedicated in honor of Max.’ Now he wants handrails on the sides, to help people take the step. The shul already spent $5 on him, and now he wants more. He thinks the shul is made of money. He eats all the Kiddish food, at least $5 a Shabbat, and now he wants more. Others are now complaining about other steps in the shul. Many trip at the back door. Now they want bright yellow tape everywhere. I’ve tried encouraging people to look when they walk. The rabbi went off on how being healthy is important. So, he started a walking group to shul every day. Then the JCC opened a week later and that stopped. Yet, they did walk that whole week. The people of Topeka were confused. They thought the Jews were keeping Shabbis all week. With all the out of shape congregants, the rabbi insisted that everybody go into the halls and play freeze tag with the little kids, during the Chazin’s repetition of the Amidah. Hide-and-go-seek is too dangerous. Congregants have hid behind furnaces. One guy was lost till after Shabbat. They locked him in the shul Saturday night. On Sunday, he came out for food. Eliezer insisted on going back to shul to catch him. Since the JCC reopened, the members haven't gone back. They just didn't want to exercise. With all the out of shape members, there were less at services for the next few weeks. Once they stopped keeping Shabbat again, and started driving their cars, the shul picked up the numbers bigtime. They stopped keeping Shabbat, because they realized they could keep the Mitzvah of eating on Shabbat, and gaining weight, better by driving. The rabbi seems to think that Topeka is in the South. We’re more like the Midwest. I don't think the rabbi has ever cooked or baked. He definitely doesn't know how dough is made. The rabbi is still very angry about the changing of the name on the package from fish patties to fish cakes. He believes it comes from kids not being able to share; the same root as the cupcake pandemic. He believes that the rabbi who gave the hashgacha should have his semicha revoked. People think the fish cake is dessert. The Maras Ayin fiasco is another community issue. The community is still arguing about fish cakes. Willie, a new member is trying to figure out what fish cakes are. As he said, ‘I have never had fish cake. I’ve had chocolate cake, but not fish cake. Are they making carp pie? Is there a salmon Danish? Lobster pudding?’ We’re still trying to get Willie to keep kosher. It’s a big move for him. Even so, he fits right in with the new members that show up for Kiddish. Our members show up for Kiddish and Kadish. After seeing Pinchas and the other Jews getting paid for having Jewish hands, the rabbi started making Kiddish on whiskey. He said that the alcohol content kills Jewish hands. Nobody drank Tedem grape juice or Nanshewitz wine till Pesach. Their hands were disgusting. And nobody paid a Shiva call, even after the reading of Chayei Sarah. Some members sent checks for 400 shekels. They figured the passing of Simmy was best treated like a Simcha. Leter, we'll get involved in the new Shiva registry business that Simone started. I have mixed thoughts. Tags:
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You can see the outside of a Frum home. You want no room between houses, so you can build up against the neighbor, to brace your home. You also want to use the whole lot, just in case grass grows by accident. (Photo: Bryan Anselm for The New York Times)
What does a frum, religious, home need? That's a question. I will answer it. We are going to help you redecorate your home into frumness. No matter where you are, a frum home is a frum home, and that looks like Boro Park. Here are some things you will need to be considered religious enough for people to eat at your house.
A Lot of Kids You can't hang them up, but they are the perfect artifact for your frum home. This may take time, but you have to have at least eight, all dressed the same, for it to be a frum home. Toys on the Floor You’re learning Torah. You don’t have time to clean. If any guest walks into your home and doesn’t hurt their foot, it’s not frum. A Tablecloth How else are you going to cover the TV? Chandelier in the Dining Room Must be a tradition from Europe. You must have it. They have it in Boro Park. Got to have it wherever you live. Chandeliers are Jewish. Plastic Plastic tablecloth. Plastic forks. Plastic knives. Plastic plates. Plastic handwasher, known as a Natlan. Plastic anything is good. Plastic and tin are the key. The less you care about the environment, the more you love Gd. It shows trust. And there is nothing more rewarding than a plastic fork not breaking in a piece of chicken. I recently went a whole Shabbat without a fork breaking. The pleasure felt from such an achievement is hard to express. Mamish Nachis. More than any parent has felt from a child. The only thing you can’t do with plastic is cover your TV. A Sign or Picture Showing You East This way you can pray to Jerusalem or Mecca. Whichever one you hit. Some Kind of Art With Hebrew Letters The Hebrew shows that it is done by a Jew and kosher. Preferably, the Hebrew is from the Torah. No Frum home has any art in the bathroom; just plastic in the bathroom. A Rebbe on the Wall If you have a grandfather with a long beard, that suffices. Family portraits don’t count though. You have to take a headshot of your grandfather. Even if he’s a farmer, that’s all good, as long as it’s a long beard. My Living Room Is My Dining Room I’m not trying to show off. I am just frum. Where do you really live? Exactly. The living room should be the dining room. You’re not eating choolante and then not trying to find a couch. The dining room should have a recliner in the corner, for you. You need more space. This is another reason I use paper plates and tinfoil. It’s all about space. I’ve taken all storage cabinets, and breakfronts, out of the living room, to sit people. With the eighteen potential kids and the 200 grandchildren, you need the space. The only issue is placing the chandelier in the living room. What is the use of the old dining room? That’s where you put the kids table and the toys on the floor. Calendar From One of The Fifteen Organizations That Sent It This has to be someplace on the wall, where there isn't Hebrew or a picture of an old man already. It should have Shabbat times for cities that you don't live in. Jewish Artifacts You must have Chanukiahs, Shofars, and a lot of Kiddish cups. You don’t have to use them. Just make sure you polish them every few years. Otherwise, the Kiddish cups will look ancient. Ancient artifacts are not frum. They’re traditional. Frum artifacts have to be shiny. None of them should be used. If you use your Jewish artifacts for Mitzvahs, that will have people questioning your frumiosity. A Tallit Bag You don’t need a Tallis, just the bag. The four cornered shawl is not necessary for the home, unless if you can’t find a tablecloth for the TV. Even a non-Tallit bag works. As long as the bag has a dark velvet look and a Hebrew name inscribed on it, that’s frum. And never say Tallit. If you want to be frum, it’s Tallis. And never say Shabbat. If you're not saying Shabbis, you might as well have wooden camels hanging from your walls, showing how Zionistic and not frum you are, connecting to Isael.. Master Bedroom with One Bad That is Two Be sure that the shared bed is separated. If you have one huge bed that is not two, everybody will know you’re a sinner. Sefarim A lot of Sefarim. That means books that are brown, or a maroonish color. Gold trimming will also add to the frum look. The book color should match your Tallis bag. Mitzvah Millionaire I think it’s a boardgame. I have no idea. I’ve seen it in frum homes. Get it. I’ve never seen anybody play it, but it is frum. Have it out. Put it next to the tablecloth on the TV, as frum camouflage. A Mezuzah That’s a mitzvah. It’s the least frum of all the other stuff we mentioned, but it’s a commandment. To be frum, you also have to follow the commandments. Tin Tin, tinfoil, tin pans tin people. Anything is good. If it’s art, it should be made out of tin too. If you can eat off the art, that is extremely frum. One-time use art is frum. You want everything to be shiny. This is why you want all silver or tin dishes and kiddish cups. This way, your home will always look kosher for Pesach, and ready to serve a lot of people. If you can, make the Mezuzah out of tin, all the better. Bathroom Towels with the Kids Names You’ve got ten kids, make sure their names are on their towels. Otherwise, nobody will be able to find them in the pile on the floor. If one of the kids was named Chris, make sure you write his name in Hebrew. It will look Jewish that way. Natlan The washing cup is not just used for purity. It’s used for pouring, cleaning, mixing paint. My friend, Mordechai, is very frum. He uses his Natlan for watering the flowers. Having the Natlan on your front lawn is a different level of Frum; might be using it to water the plants, or always ready to come back from paying respects to those in Olam Haba. Final Notes on Frumifying Your Property Do not have any Israeli artifacts. Even an old Israeli coin will make you look not frum. If you have the wooden camel, get rid of it. The camel is embarrassing. If you want your children to grow up frum, get rid of it. If anybody sees the wooden Israeli souvenir, your child will never get a decent shidduch. For more about the home, check out the Frum Kitchen article. Everything in your home is based in the kitchen, so make sure you have at least three sinks, crockpots for every type of choolante, including the choolante without meat, and a walk-in refrigerator that doesn’t have walk in abilities. Have choolante out at all times. That is a frum home. You don’t need anything else. Just choolante and herring on the table at all times. Have it on the shelves. It's better than the wooden camel. Next time we will talk about how to frumify the outside of the home and why it should take up the whole property. And next time you're at somebody's house for Shabbis dinner, take notes. They may find it weird that you hung up a picture of their grandmother on the wall, but that is fine. It’s frum. Hang the picture of their grandfather too. He's a farmer with a beard and that works. If it's in a frum home, it's frum. Your house should always look like a Shabbis table. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: VaYeira10/22/2021 
Singing is off again. Now it’s the pace. Jim Grunfeld went on his own pace this Friday night, singing the 'Yedid Nefesh' real loud. Nobody could keep up. Since he was so loud, we all had to go along with him. We all had to catch up to him. Each verse, we had to skip three words, to keep up with his speed. And then he led the congregation in Friday night prayers and it was hard to keep up. Most were happy, as they were only up to Lecha Dodi when he finished the Amida.
Jim is loud and getting older. He can’t hear others, so this is what we're going to have to deal with for the next twenty or so years. Frank's youngest, Eliezer, is playing puzzles in the back of the shul. All of davening. In the beginning of 'Lecha Dodi' on Friday night, we're all singing and he’s hitting the table. Everybody got into it. The whole shul starts banging the tables, as they loved Eliezer's beat. We turn around for ‘Boee vShalom’, and all see the kid smacking his puzzle pieces, banging them into place. Menachem was let down. He thought the kid was a little rebbe leading us all. A rebbe with a big beard was passing through this past Wednesday. I've never heard our rabbi say 'Baruch H"' so many times. It seemed like he was afraid he was going to lose his ordination. I believe he said it fifteen times in eight minutes. It might have been his rabbi from yeshiva. All I know is that he was excessive about it. The rebbe asked him how many congregants there are. He said, 'Baruch H",' and that was it. No numbers, just B"H. A couple minutes later, the rebbe started speaking with Max in Yiddish. The rebbe seemed to love Max much more than Rabbi Mendelchem, as the rebbe started smiling. I think the rebbe even asked Max why this other guy, who's not the rabbi, is constantly saying 'Baruch H".' Max has been licking his fingers again. He's even started chuching, to get better saliva for the page turn. Every Siddur in the shul has his lickings on it. Jim is having problems turning pages, it's only a matter of time before he starts licking his fingers. So they bought new sanitizer at Ollie’s. I know this because the price tag is still on the bottles. It was $1.99 a bottle. I think the board wanted to show everybody that they bought the only item at Ollie's that's not a good deal. I think this whole COVID issue is because these older guys lick their fingers. We wouldn't need sanitizer if they didn't turn pages. There is definitely a lot of talking in shul. A lot of people chattering the whole davening. It's hard to hear the Chazan. They've been mostly quiet during the rabbi's sermon, so the rabbi hasn't addressed it yet. He's fine with the tradeoff of talking only during his the prayers. There are many new congregants that have joined. One took over Gabaiship right away. So, their kid runs around with nobody watching them. Being that the new Gabai started running stuff a week into joining the shul, because nobody else wanted to do it, we're now following the Hollywood, Florida traditions. That's probably why there's a lot of talking in shul. The gabai's kid was running around with Kippah and shoes in hand. Went up to the Bima with shoes in hand. Kippah was understood, but the shoes had everybody asking. Nobody could figure out how that was protesting Gd. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Avraham was sick, but he still took in guests. He wanted to do a Mitzvah, even when he was sick. Jessica won't even take in a guest when she stubs a toe… Just look at the beginning of the Parsha… Angels are guests too… He was circumcised and he still took in guests, three days later... I know people get out of surgery fast nowadays, but you give at least a week... You have the hiccups, you don't have guests for two weeks... It might have been a chutzpah to visit without calling first... They didn't have phones then, Bernie. They were doing a mitzvah. The shuls Bikur Cholim committee hasn't visited anybody in the past month and a half... If everybody on the Visiting the Sick committee is sick, what good is it?... It was the heat of the day and he was sitting there, circumcised, waiting for guests (Bereishit 18:1). You won't even leave your car in August, because you have air-conditioning... No matter which side you are on, you've got to put in the effort. Jessica, listen. The food Avraham gave his guests was excellent. It was tasty. I was at the Friedblums for Shabbat dinner. Food was not that good. I would not call that Hachnasat Orchim... (Bereishit 18:6-8) ‘Kemach Lushi’… That’s good stuff. Fine flour. Not the rough Challah. It wasn't the village bread. It was fluffy… Yeah. I like village bread. But that's a side dish. It was bread… ‘he took a calf, tender and good.’ It wasn’t the bad stuff. It wasn't the first cut that the Friedblums had. It had a decent amount of fat. Good taste… You don't serve meat and then say you want to lose weight right then... Vegan meat is not meat, even if they call themselves a butcher... He took butter and milk… It might have been the 'I can't believe it's not butter.' Maybe it was margarine. Maybe those laws weren't laws yet. Maybe he understood the laws of 'don't cooke a kid in its mother's milk' literally, at that time. Maybe he served the milk first... I was invited out last week with my wonderful family, to a mishpacha in this community. Mr. Grunfeld, please tell me. Do you call what was served for dinner Hachnasat Orchim? The mitzvah of welcoming your guests? ‘Avraham hurried… ran to the cows’… He wanted to feed his guests. You don’t make them wait… If you have to, you use a microwave, you use a microwave… No. Nobody is coming for conversation... Then you go to the bodega, Makolet (whatever you want to call it). You don't go grocery shopping once your guests have already showed. You had guests and that was good. We appreciate that. However, for educational purposes, do you consider chicken that is dried out to be welcoming? Quinoa?! You call that food?! You know the rabbi and the rebbitzin are not vegetarian... Sarah went inside and made them cake. Fresh cake. She didn't serve Entenmann's doughnuts. She definitely didn't think that the plane doughnut leftovers that nobody chose to eat were respectful enough for her guests... If that's the case, you get another package, so people can have the brown droplet and chocolate glazed doughnuts... He fed them under the tree and not in the tent... Maybe they wanted more of a picnic feel... They could've been robbers, and there was a nice breeze... When Avraham runs to welcome the guests, he says to Gd, (Bereishit 18:3) 'If I please find favor in your eyes, please don't pass from in front of your servant'... Yes. He was proper. He said 'please.' Avraham understood that you don't get stuff without saying 'please'... You act proper and respectful. And I am still trying to figure out why Eliezer's feet are up on the chair... Rashi first says he was talking to the angels. I chose Rashi's second explanation of the translation, that he was talking to Gd... I chose that because you don't understand the importance of welcoming people to your home... Then welcome the sick. If you're not going to deliver matzah ball soup, serve them matzah ball soup in your home... He asked Gd to wait. Some things H' wants you to do right away. We have obligations in this world. Caring for other people is something H' wants to see... If you're not going to have them in your home, then go sleep at theirs... Avraham asked H' to wait for him, as he welcomed guests. He didn't keep on with his discourse with H' for he had to fulfill the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim. Which is why I, as the rabbi, am still trying to understand why the Grunfelds decided to give such a lengthy Dvar Torah. So boring. We wanted to eat and nobody cares what little Shloimy learned in cheder/school... I give Dvar Torah things every week, I don't want to hear it. You can go back to your connecting with H' later. When we are gone... When we are there, you feed us. The questions of when to relate to H', when to relate to our fellow man. Do they connect with each other? Does H' like dried out chicken, Jim?... We serve H' together, and that is hard when the chicken is not juicy... You don't serve H' together when the other people make you wait... Microwave it... You didn't even give Rachel the finger. You give the one second finger... At least ackowledge that you know she is there... We are talking about bringing in guests. Not building a fence around your home to keep out your neighbors away.... What you would do to get rid of your neighbors, to not see anybody. That is why I suggested to the local police forces that the homicide last week on Madison St. was probably one of the neighbors who wanted some privacy. After investigation, we do know it was not the Grunfeld family. But we do ask, why are you trying to keep people away? That quinoa stuff was disgusting. Even if you do not want guests, give decent food. Respect the world enough, H' enough, to cook something decent. Fine flour... Quinoa? Are you trying to never have guests again?... He had them wash up outside... They weren't clean.... He didn't give the guests sanitizer... Because it doesn't clean, Pinchas... Now we have many freeloaders from the TriState area this week. As Avraham would, please welcome them in and make them wash their disgusting selves, as they have been without water and electricity for a couple of days... Every time there is rain, somehow, New Yorkers make their way to Topeka... Not the sanitizer. Sometimes, you have to ask H' to wait, so that you can do a better job of serving Him. Look at this shul. Let's fix it a bit... Before Musaf, pick up a wrapper... Then teach your kids how to find a garbage. Treat it like hide and go seek... I heard them screaming 'I'm going to catch you' in the halls during Torah reading. We're layning, and half of the congregation runs out to see if she caught Eliezer... This is not how you present your home to guests… Yes. The shul is your home. That doesn’t mean to fall asleep in the middle of the sermon, Bernie. The shul is our home and we must be inviting. We must have better potato kugel... This is the most tacky shul… You don’t leave price tags on bottles… We saw you got a deal… Stan gets deals all the time… That’s his style. We know that because he always talks about the bargain he got… Even he doesn’t walk around with the price tag… Our home will not be tacky. We're not looking to be entertainers. This is not a comedy. We're looking to entertain the guests properly, unlike the Grunfelds... (Bereishit 18:12) 'And Sarah laughed at herself'... She was old, and she couldn't imagine having kids, like the angels said she would... She didn't think she could have kids again... Look at Sharon. 55. Had kids. And we're all asking questions... It was messed up. Even so, we support you... We laugh about it. We all know that she's going to have to be paying for college when she's 75... H' asks Avraham why she is laughing (Bereishit 18:14) 'Is anything impossible for H'? At the time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son'... If H' were to say that He would give our shul a Minyin during the week, I would laugh... Because it never happens... It's not impossible. H' can make anything happen. He can even make a decent chicken of the Grunfeld's dinner. It's about making our home welcoming. And that starts with how we raise the children... The kids are messed up, but we cannot laugh at this anymore... Take control of your kids. We finally have babysitting again... We don't want to lose her... We lost the last one, because your kids are crazy... I would laugh if somebody told me your children can sit in shul and daven without doing flips... Anim Zemirot ark opening is dangerous… These kids are crazy… Yours was on the floor, rolling. The other is dancing… The other is doing the back and forth skip in place… Can any child stand there in penitence… Your Bar Mitzvah and Simmy passed… We're going to miss Simmy. Even so, we will always have the Siddurs that he licked to remind us. Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah, Benjamin. Have guests... Here is your Siddur. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi protested the vegan butcher, along with his protests of Jessica, the Friedblooms and the Grunfeld family. The rabbi wrote a lengthy letter to the teachers, telling them to stop sending home Parsha notes and Divrei Torah to read at the Shabbat table. He made it clear to them that it is very annoying to everybody at the table to have to listen to whatever these kids are learning in second grade. He said it is fine to teach them a song about the Parsha, to sing at the Shabbat table. Yet, anything more than that will not be tolerated in our community anymore. As the rabbi wrote, 'It is painful and boring to hear what the second graders learned about the Avraham and Ytizchak story at the altar, this year. You, the teachers, are stopping parents in our community from wanting to birth more children...' The passing of Simmy was hard on all. He was a smoker. 95 and he is now gone. He was also a finger licker. A turn the page finger licker. We will always remember him from the yellow pages in the Siddurim. He turned them all yellow with his cigar spittle. The new members didn’t care. They just complain about the stickiness of the pages. I don't know how the rabbi is going to deal with the new members. I think that they can't afford to go back to New York. Now, they're just going to complain. The rabbi will probably be out of a job next year, as the big city people don't understand the concept of dues. Joining the Bar Mitzvah and Simmy’s death was a bold move. Don’t know how the kid’s family took it. The kid will remember the message. Also, giving the kid the licked siddur was quite meaningful. Sanitizer is being placed right at Max and Jim's seats. I hope they get the message. The shul is afraid there is going to be an injury with the ark opening. The kids are treating the carpet on the Bima (stage) as though it's a tumbling mat. It’s better than the fighting that happened to open up the curtain five years back. They were violent. It was a mosh line, to open the ark. Those kids would elbow each other. The kids now are so unaware and ADDed that they don’t even notice the curtain is being open. Do they realize we’re all looking at them?! They're jumping around and doing tushy dances. Everybody in the shul is watching this. During kiddish, half of the conversation in shul was about the children and their issues. Every kid has issues nowadays; the reason, they are kids. Most of the congregants think they are child psychologists now. The issue is apparently the parents. It always comes down to the parents. The few that are not proclaiming to be psychologists are suggesting the kids go to a psychologist, due to excessive movement. Kids moving is now a problem according to our congregants. They seem to support kids playing video games all day. I don't think the kids realize that the whole congregation is watching them We lost another babysitter a few weeks later, as one of the kids decided to just yell. No reason. Just a lot of yelling. Talking in shul was still going on the whole service. The rabbi made an announcement, in which he shared another Dvar Torah about Sodom. I think he called the congregants Sodomites, as he talked about the evil people. He said that Avraham asked H’ if Sodom could be saved if there were just ten good people (Bereishit 18:32). At that point, he looked around the shul and shook his head. He also mentioned that the angels were doing a Mitzvah by visiting Avraham when he was sick. Whereas, the congregants just disturb people when they visit and ring the bell. We’re still working on how to do Bikur Cholim correctly. The next lesson is going to be on how to knock correctly. The rabbi started a new fundraiser to put together a cookbook for those who want to do Hachnasat Orchim correctly, with decent food. He is calling it the How to Not Cook Like the Members of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah Cookbook. With all the talk of Hachnasat Orchim, the rabbi did not complain that the Grunfelds didn't sing at their Shabbat table. The singing is off in our shul, and Jim is to blame for that. If Jim would've sung, the rabbi would've talked about how Avraham didn't sing for his guests, as that would not have been proper Hachnasat Orchim. Hide and go seek has become a big game in shul. The little ones found Eliezer when they opened up the curtain for Anim Zmirot. The vegan butcher is still a debate. The rabbi says it's Ma'aras Ayin, the law of how things appear to the onlooker, to call anything vegetarian a butchery. As the new Gabai, who loves puns, said, 'They're butchering the butcher.' Tags:
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This is why kids love Torah. Because there is Oodles in them. (photo: onlykoshercandy.com)
Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement, but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that. You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood. Honey on First Letter of The Torah When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days. This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor. You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah. Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’ I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument. I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child. Kids go to Shul for Candy Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets. Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone. Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem. We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word. I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem. The Candyman There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman. All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education. The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys. Jewish Rituals Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy. As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.' To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Lech Lecha10/15/2021 
The rabbi is now working as a Mashgiach at the wine crush. We gave him a raise and he’s taking another job. We never see him at shul, so the board is making a big deal about it.
The way it works is that the rabbi is supposed to take other jobs. That's what the contract says. That's what a spiritual leader does. That's why we hired him. We pay him to be our rabbi to do the other stuff. Most of the other work is Mashgiach work. He watches over stuff. Now it's the grape season and his hands are purple. He’s working everything. I saw him working at Marshall's the other day. He was checking prices. He is getting paid for being Jewish. As long as his work is Jewish, it's OK. On his shift at Marshall's, he was waring a Kippah. Marshall's did good business that day, as all the congregants who had questions about upcoming Simchas showed up to shop. Christians thought he was a priest working the cash register for part of the shift. They were confessing that they felt they were paying too much at other stores. There was another fight with Bernie. This time it got physical. It was over cereal at the men's breakfast. Bernie got mad when the new congregant took the Wheaties. He was told they were Bernie's Kiddish Club left with 20 people. 12 were left in shul at the time. One wasn’t Bar Mitzvahed. They started capitalizing ‘Club.’ It’s a thing now. The rabbi couldn’t stop it. I think the rabbi was not happy, because he forgot to pull out the foosball table during Haftorah this week. Next week he wants to have a tournament during Haftorah, so the rest of the shul has something to do during Kiddish club. The only place the rabbi doesn't work in the city is the Kiddish club. He doesn't consider that Jewish. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Kehillah. The Kiddish club has left again… It’s 20 people, Bernie. 20 people left for the Haftorah… There were only 12 inside… Didn’t even look back to see how many… You saw the people leaving and you thought, ‘I should go there.’ That’s what the Exodus looked like... It looked like Jews running out of shul to drink schnapps. If there was schnapps in Israel, the Jews would’ve run there and fought every war. Single malt and no services, the spies would've suggested to go… Schnapps in Israel? Nobody would’ve complained… They would’ve partied without a calf. Giants drinking Binyamina liquor in Israel. The Jews would’ve joined… and not davened… They didn’t even turn around to see if there was a Minyin… That kid? Look at him. He’s not Bar Mitzvahed… He’s eight years old… You think he’s 13, because you’re drunk… You left to drink… (Bereishit 12:1) Lech Lecha. ‘Go for you’ does not mean to go out and drink in the middle of services… I understand the drinking is for you. Nobody appreciates it when you come back to shul… Your conversations are louder… You wouldn’t know… And H' said what to Abram? Lech Lecha- 'leave for yourself' from your place....to the land of Israel… That’s the place He will show him. We know how the story goes, Bernie… And you are still in America. How do you feel? How do you justify your existence as Jews?... And you ask why 'if it's for yourself' your rabbi is here? Kiruv... For other people, is for yourself. Avraham took his people with him. I am here to bring you closer to being good Jews... No. I have not been successful. That is correct, Bernie!!! I am trying though. Max can try to stay awake... Try Max. I know you just got back from drinking with Yonatan... have an excuse. I am here to bring you closer to the Torah, to educate you, to set an example, like Avraham; as you do not know. Which is why I also work at Marshall's, the grape crush and 7-Eleven. I was shown... It's my calling. You called... You were hiring. That was my sign from H.’ He showed me you needed a great leader to kill your idols... Whatever that artwork is. It’s disgusting and poorly done. It looks like Michael’s papier-mâché. It's a papier-mâché idol... Which leads me to the synagogue trip I will be hosting this year, to Israel. We will be stopping off in France, Australia and New Zealand. I have never seen New Zealand, so I am sure you will love it. All of the congregants joining will be able to save money, as this year's trip will not involve a return ticket. Although, there is a planned cruise to Africa for those who need another vacation... I will be on the African cruise as well... They need a spiritual leader, and I will do that... Abraham is told to leave 'for himself', 'from your land, your birthplace and your father's home' How do you leave to a new place? Start over? Obviously, you leave your national homeland last... Nobody's house is outside the town that the house is in, Bernie. Why am I getting an argument here?! The Torah has a message... H' is speaking from an emotional standpoint. First you leave your land... Emotionally. If you don't hate your parents, this makes sense... You must lose some connection with your nation. Do not vote. Very important, to not vote, as a citizen, stay away from voting. 'Oh, who do I vote for? Let's vote for the guy that lied to me?' You all rocked the vote the last elections and see what happened... It says your Father's house last???? That doesn't make sense. If you're leaving your land, then you have left your father's home. It is hardest to leave your parents' home. We see in our community… Baruch you're 31 and you live in your parents' basement… Not even their house. It’s a basement. Get out… Leave for your parents... Breana are you ever going to give your parents a rest? Get out of their home. They've already fed you for 38 years. They put out money for day school, university… In Baruch's case it's... Get a job... The final step is leaving your parents' home. In our community, it is physically. We see that nobody wants work. Nobody will leave their parents home... Baruch would make Aliyah, move to Israel in his parent's basement... Avraham's mother was doing his laundry for him. She was cooking dinner. At sixty-five... In those days they stayed longer. They didn't have Vedem Grape Juice factory jobs. Money? They had to make it. They made it from scratch. It was dollar bills, but they had to make each one separately... Physically, but more important, emotionally... They don't need you calling and crying about your roommate... Then get married. Leave your parents' house for yourself. Baruch... you will never get married… You’ve dated every girl in the shul… They don't like the basement living... I'm not a prophet, but the girls don't like being taken back to meet the parents, because you forgot something in your room... I am exiling you from our community... (Bereishit 12:2-3) ‘I will make a great nation and I will bless you and make your name big, and you will be a blessing’… all will be blessed through Avraham… To where? 'To the place I will show you.' You must believe Baruch and all the young adults of this synagogue. Yes, many of you are not set-upable. You have the right to feel like there is no hope... OK, you were not blessed with the looks that say 'Shidduch. Oh, I have a good match for him.' Nor were you blessed with the personality that says, 'I like her.' Nor was anybody in this community blessed with the finances to say, 'He or she is worthy of a spouse.' As we see with the lack of concern of the new building fund… and Mr. Funskils new idea for what he calls a business and non-payment of his dues... Good way to make money Frank. Yes, don't spend it or donate it.... You can't be a great nation in your parents' basement... Avraham was living there. But he was married... Get married. Then move to your parents' basement... (Bereishit 12:5) When he went to Canaan… Yes. That’s Israel… Now we’re going to have to give the land to the Canaanites… This shul is like a Model UN… Got Gaddafi off to the side. Bernie… ‘And Avram took Sarai, his wife’… Sarai is Sarah are the same person… He didn’t leave her like Mr. Fishwitz… ‘and Lot his nephew and all the possessions he acquired and all the souls…’ He didn’t leave the money. He took it. And he took all the inheritance and the souls he made in Haran… His congregants paid him… What am I going to take from this congregation? Yes, your rabbi lived in Israel. I took all the souls with me… That’s how I ended up here, with you… My last community moved to Israel. They made Aliyah… They listened to my sermons, Bernie. That's how I lost my job… I came back for… Money is not the reason. We took the possessions and money to Israel… When you leave America, you take your family with you. You do not give up your traditions and your past... Lech Lecha... We do not know where we are going, but that is where we have to be. We must believe there is 'The place,' that Gd will show up. Because if we do not, then we are going to be stuck here, in Topeka... And I know my parents want me and my family out of their home... You need a wife. When they go down to Egypt, Sarah tells them she is Avraham’s sister… A good wife lies for you. She'll tell you, you're the best… She was good looking… (Bereishit 12:11) Avraham tells Sarah ‘his wife, “Behold, I know you are a good looking woman.”’ It took being scared that they will kill him (12:12) to finally pay her a compliment... Compliment her. It is for you. That's when they'll help you out. if you compliment them… When you do good to others, it’s for you… Alcohol is not good for anybody… You lose your wife and all the possessions… Yes. That’s how you lose your money. I want Arik to go. He is annoying. Ever since he joined the congregation, he is complaining… He tries to weasel his way out of everything… It’s shul. You come and have complaints about being in shul… Then go for yourself… It’s annoying. Do you show up to work and complain for nine hours that you are there? He even shows up late for work… See. That was me telling Arik to go to the place H' will show him, outside of the shul... H' apparently shows nobody shul during the week... We don't get a Minyin... (Bereishit 12:1) ‘To the land I will show you.’ Avraham is told to go to a specific place, that H’ will show him… Showing up late to work is not when H’ told you to show… You showed late for Minyin. That’s not where H’ showed you. He did not show you the Kiddish club… Baruch has to leave his house. We pray that H’ shows him how pathetic he looks. We pray He also shows him how to get a decent job. To donate to the rabbis discretionary fund… New Zealand needs aid… The shul trip can use some funding… You don’t just leave. You go to the land… Not New York. Make Aliyah… There are good looking single girls in Israel… They will lie for you… No. Baruch. H’ did not show Avraham the Kiddish club... Rivka’s Notes to Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Baruch thought that H’ showed Avraham the Kiddish club. It would've been an incentive. Rabbi was right. There is no way these people will meet anybody if they stay at their parents’ homes. This community is not wealthy enough for that. Avraham meeting Sarah doesn’t happen all the time. In Charan, Baruch would have a chance. Why are Baruch and Breana not together? There would be too many fights figuring out which one of their parents they would move in with. The rabbi was right. Baruch was exiled and he got married. Now, he still can't get back into the community. The rabbi has to lift the ban. Somebody just has to remind him to lift the ban. The Kiddish Club didn’t get the rabbi’s message. They were still out drinking. They even got mad at the rabbi for not bringing them fermented stuff from the grape juice crush. The rabbi's hands were purple the whole sermon. I couldn't catch most of it, as my eyes were focused on his purple palms. Arik has complained way too much. He showed up to the community three weeks ago and he keeps on telling the rabbi that everything he does is wrong. He's like an American moving to Israel. My friend moved and tells the Israelis how to live. She complains that everything they do is wrong. Shul is the most depressing thing when you show up in the mornings. The congregants have this depressed angry look on their face, as if they are extremely peeved to be Jewish. Then they go out and drink and start talking. They’re all the sudden happy. The rabbi tried telling them to stop, but it’s hard to reason with drunk people. Poaching from our shul has been something that the new shul down the block has been doing recently. Their rabbi came into shul and handed out his business cards. It seems like he is poaching members and even trying to take our rabbi's job. The artwork in the shul is idolatrous. Even the paint on the walls is stucco. The rabbi really wanted to see New Zealand. If he doesn’t get the sabbatical, we’re hitting Hawaii on the next shul trip. I have a feeling the rabbi wouldn’t mind if the congregants got stuck in New Zealand and stayed. Last I heard about the New Zealand trip, the rabbi worked at Ballantynes Department Store for a couple weeks. The kids at the Sunday School did a Lech Lecha rap. They still know nothing about the Parsha. However, they are learning how to human beatbox. We are working on talent in our community. Parents don't send their kids to music lessons, due to fear that the instruments will be played in the house. We are praying the human beatboxing leads to more talent. Dancing is out of the question. There is too much movement in that for our children. If you ever saw the inter-shul basketball league, you would understand. Even with the 80s themed human beatboxing, they are not going to be breakdancing. Tags:
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Your kid is late again and it’s your fault. You cannot use the ‘doctor’s appointment’ excuse more than eight times a semester. You also can’t write that your child is late because she was afraid of failing the Chumash test. You might as well tell them your daughter is failing Gd.
Teachers have seen them all. Thus, you must learn the art of writing late notes. You want your child getting into a decent high school, and late notes will get them there. I'm going to help. Here are some late notes that will help you, the parent, and the family, look good when writing notes for Jewish day school: My Child was Praying If it sounds religious, it’s not a demerit. Play their education game. We all know the kids have no clue what they're saying in the Hebrew prayers. How many times have they sang ‘Adon Olam’ in school? Exactly my point. No clue. There’s no way your child was praying. They haven’t even joined in the Hatikvah the past few weeks. Oh. The school will tell you, 'They sing that "Adon Olam" so beautifully.' That’s how they get the donations. The kids sing it with such commitment and Kavanah, proper intent, to harmonize. They think they’re singing about winter break and not having to be in school. My Child Was Honoring Her Parents It's a Mitzvah to let you sleep through bus pickup too. You can use any Mitzvah and the note will score extra credit points. ‘My child was visiting the sick on school time.’ ‘My child was honoring her parents by letting them sleep.’ ‘My child took out the trash.’ Even if it looks like you’re running a child labor camp, that’s fine if it’s a Mitzvah. ‘I was teaching him the blessing on cereal.’ That's educational, and no Jewish day school is going to argue that the blessing shouldn't take a couple of hours of focus. We Were Visiting My Parents That will get you an extended weekend every once in a while. Visiting grandparents can be part of the commandment to ‘honor your parents.’ Going to classes is not a commandment. Though, you get into more trouble for skipping school than sinning. The school will also support visiting the grandparents, as they are the ones paying for the education. We Ran Out of Frosted Flakes They’ll understand. Your child needs the flakes frosted. Anybody with a heart and kids will understand that your child threw a fit when you offered them Corn Flakes. They know your kid ripped up the box and threw it at you, smashing the Corn Flakes, spat on Kellogg’s, and pulled out all the drawers in the kitchen, threw all their clothes on the floor, ran away from home, and cursed out Mom. That’s expected nowadays. It’s a normal reaction to cereal with no sugar. The school will also understand that it's questionable to make a Bracha over unsugared cereals. We Were Still On Vacation for Chag Use the holiday as much as you can. Milk it. That note can last for three weeks after any holiday. They give you off eight, you take eighteen for your child. Eighteen lets them know it was a meaningful religious thing, as well. Slap ‘Chag with grandparents’ on that note, and your child will walk out with a 4.0 without ever being in class. Remember, late notes for Jewish day school can be used for not being in class for days or weeks. There is no reason to put in all that effort of writing for one day, or a couple of hours. What? Now, they expect you to write? You’re not in school. If your child has a doctor’s appointment in the middle of a school week, that’s a good time for a long family weekend getaway. I’m a Mother Accuse them. Let them know. These twenty-five-year-old teachers have no idea what you’re going through. Your kid deserves a decent grade because you have to parent them. Even if you’re not a mother, if you’re writing a late note you’re close enough. You can be the guy running the bodega; if you have to write the late note, you're the mom. Let the doctor know you’re a mother. Bring that note to the doctor’s office. Instead of waiting in the waiting room, make the doctor wait. At least your note is legible. ‘We made a mistake.’ Let it all out. You’re writing a note already, maybe you can find someone to talk to about the pain of parenting these children. You didn’t mean to have the seventh child. Maybe the teacher will have a heart and reach out to you. I Had to Pack Snacks for Nine Put it on you and the other eight kids you birthed. You can add in ‘I have a family,’ for spite. Have them asking why the note has nothing to do with the child. They’ll get the point. You can add in, 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???!!!' Add that into any note for late note effect. My Child Was Running Errands Your child is a prodigy and you know that. Just ask you. That’s why you’re coming up with excuses for them to be late and skip tests. He’s a genius and you've seen him at work. His sense of direction is amazing. You saw that when he was in pre-school and could already find sugar cereals in the supermarket. Don’t worry about them accusing you of abuse and child labor. If you want to talk about abuse, they’re running school till 4:15pm. Plus, have you seen the Hebrew homework, in Hebrew? That’s sweatshop labor abuse. We Went to Israel With that note, your child never needs to show to class. You can get off a whole half year with that note. They’ll still give your child an ‘A’ at Jewish day school. They have to. The school has had enough arguments with people claiming that every moment in Israel is Jewish education. It’s about preservation of our people. If elementary school parents could set-up their eight-year-olds with good Shidduchs, they would have them skipping school so they could get married earlier. My Child Was Learning Torah That note will get you nowhere. They know that didn't happen. We Don’t Understand You ‘Neither me or my child understood your homework.’ Yes. You are part of this. They know you’re doing the homework. Have you seen this modern Hebrew? It’s impossible to hold down two jobs and to keep up with third-grade level. You can also write, ‘We had to go to after school classes to understand your class. We are late because we were taking your class.’ Better yet, write the note in Hebrew. ‘אנחנו מאוחרים בגלליך.’ She’ll the get the point. If it’s a first grader, write the note. First graders are still tracing the Aleph Bet, and they don’t get homework. Even so, you can still right the note for them. Better yet, trace it. Remember, it’s not the education, it’s what high school they’re going to get into. The blaming the teacher technique will work, if they want to keep their job. On a side note, it’s about time you brushed up on your non-Biblical Ivrit. More Brilliant Late Note Ideas to Help You ‘We had an extended Shabbat.’ Make your weekend getaway sound Jewish. You can even say that you went to a deli. You went on a ski trip? If it's over a weekend, that's an extended Shabbat. ‘They went to Minyin.’ If they go to shul, they can get off. You can just write ‘shul.’ The only issue is that the school has already pegged you, the parent, as a heretic. They know you’re not going out of your way to pray with your child. You might want to write, ‘They went with their Bubbie and Zayde to Minyin.’ The school loves them. They’re the only reason your child is at the school. They’re the ones paying. ‘I was running around, picking up all the children for their after-school activities, because none of the other parents in this class help with carpooling. See the children that showed up on time? I hate their parents.’ The other parents never do anything. Hate them. Let it out. ‘Why don’t you teach the children how to use an alarm clock in this school?’ That is a complaint more than a late note. Put the blame on them. ‘The bus wouldn’t wait.’ Your child is special. The school should know that. Your child is the champion. Your child is the winner. Your child is the best. The others are nothing compared to your child. ‘The bus was late because of my child.’ The school is fine with that. ‘Culture Club was playing and we had to play through “Time,” and then we rocked out to some Uncle Moishy and the Mitzvah Men. As a family, we sing together.’ ‘I took them to the Metallica concert last night.’ The honest, bold and defiant late note. You were hearing the heavy metal. You’re feeling it. If you’re worried, tell them it was an Uncle Moishy concert that you were drinking at with the kids. ‘Tooth hurt.’ Don’t tell them which tooth. There’s no point. It could be yours. The goal is to make the education hard on the teacher, while your child still receives a 4.0 for having Jewish grandparents. ‘Their little brother ate it.’ You’re religious. They know you don’t have a dog eating the kids homework. Why dogs love eating homework so much is something I will never understand. Yet, they eat it. They’ve seen little Jewish boys eat. If it has sugar on it, they’ll eat paper. Nobody has ever eaten those Lieber’s or Paskesz pebbles without devouring half a sheet of paper. If you need an animal for the note, you can use a goldfish. You can tell the school you won the goldfish at the Purim carnival. They’ll believe the goldfish ate it. ‘During these times.’ Anything you say with ‘during these times’ cannot be argued with. They chalk it up to the pandemic. ‘The pandemic.’ Just write ‘the pandemic’ and your child is promised a perfect score. If your child pays attention in school, they’ll learn how to get government assistance. ‘I am a parent and I need to sleep.’ You are not waking up at 6:30am. Responsibility is not important when you’re tired. You spent all day carpooling yesterday, and it wasn’t even your own child. You don’t want your kid getting bad grades and your family looking bad. Make sure you have the notes prepared. As we recap, never forget to add ‘Chag’ to your late note. Holidays can always be used to get out of school. You also get off more days of school if you add in grandparents and Israel (ex of the perfect late note- ‘We went to Metallica in Israel, on Chag, with our grandparents’). And when your child is older, they will learn the importance of celebrating holidays to get out of work. Next time we will talk about mastering the art of handing in late notes to the Jewish day school staff saying 'my child is Jewish' and ‘my child is a Tzadik,’ thus ensuring success with no explanation. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Noach10/8/2021 
Nobody is visiting the sick. I believe the sick people are much happier. The last time I saw Nava visiting the sick, she stared at them the whole time with a pout. It was the most condescending thing I have ever seen in my life, after hearing Frank say that Michael is good at basketball.
Teenagers have been giving the rabbi weird looks lately. Anything he says, they respond by giving each other a side-glance. It's very unsettling. I appreciate Max telling the kids they've accomplished nothing, and they're breaking out. They're fool of acne with weird voices and no accomplishments, and they still look down on others. Fran is still saying 'they're the future of our people.' I don't know if that is hope or if she is saying how the Jewish people may not survive. They've got to be making the rabbi feel awkward. They're giving 'uggg' looks, with an awkward snarl. They think that's cool. His own niece started it. She was visiting and thought it was cool to make an awkward look anytime somebody over 40 talked. Double that with Mendy’s groan for Kaddish, and you have a very unsettling community where nobody wants to talk to anybody. His Kaddish is like hearing death happening in the now. He needs a shidduch too. You feel somebody died when you hear his bass groan. He should be a funeral kvetcher. He really brings the Kaddish feeling of the shul out. After Mendy's Yahrzeit month (why he says Kaddish for a month, nobody knows) the shul had a much more jolly feeling. Teenagers were probably the reason for the flood. In Noah’s time, it was probably those moving into their snobby 100s. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shabbat Shalom My Congregants. The land was full of bad stuff. Like this congregation. This town is also full of bad... The hotel room break in was sad news here… I understand that nobody was in the room and the safe… The safe couldn’t be broken into… If they had digital codes back in the days of Noach, who knows?... (Bereishit 6:11) 'The earth was corrupt before H' and it became full of robbery'. Not visiting the sick is robbing them of chicken soup... There is corruptness. That's why the youth group has such annoying kids in it... Rashi teaches that corrupt means immorality and idolatry, and Chamas means robbery… The real question is how many of you are members of Chamas?...A little play on words for my fine congregants. Chamas and Chamas… No. This is not political, Fran. Chamas means violence, cruelty or rapine…. Yes. They were doing everything wrong then too. When you are corrupt before H’, you are corrupt to other people… That's why teenaers snarl and Nava pouts... They were robbing each other Bernie… That means nothing to you because you stole the towel from the hotel… Have you ever met a teenager that doesn’t steal? Mine stole my sleep my whole thirties... And look at you all now corrupting the world. Showing up to shul in your fitted suits, slicked hair and shaytels from India… No. It’s not made out of chickpeas. Chamas is not Chumus… I'm sure the members of Chamas like Chumus… Back to the point of how each one of you robs the congregation of a new building when you don't pay dues. It is also immoral to be sitting in that seat Mr. Holzberg. The seat which Mr. Finblum and Dr. Horvitz paid for, for many years... They paid their dues Mr. Holzberg. They were not immoral, and thus they were not corrupt and hence they did not steal. Nor did they misappropriate funds… You stole their seat. That’s how you destroy shuls. Misappropriating placement of people … Yes. By taking people’s Makom Kavuah… That’s their set seat. You know who take somebody’s set seat? Chamas… And did they rob their kids of an education, of Chinuch? No. They did not. Education of their children was important to them and that is why they sent their children to public school... Corruptness leads to robbery. As we have all seen with lack of style in our congregation... It was for this reason the world was to be destroyed, as H' said to Noach (Breishit 6:13), 'The end of all flesh is coming...because the earth was full of Chamas.' You can't have earth without proper behavior. Look at them... That is not earth... It's because of corrupt behavior, such as talking during shul that the world was to be destroyed. The same word used for corruptness is the same route as the word for destroyed... נשחתה… You have already destroyed this sermon with your little whispering in the back there, as you have all destroyed this shul's Junior congregation by not properly choosing a good cantor. Melinda cannot do the Anim Zmirot, nor can Shmuel lead in the Ashrei... I went into junior congregation and it was pathetic. If our toddlers are singing this bad, imagine how much worse they will sound at their Bar Mitzvahs... We allow them to lead Adon Olam, because they are in first grade and we have to give them a chance to learn. NO! We have to teach our kids correctly. Teach them what shul is really about… Dues, Bernie. Pay them... Mendy's groan is a good start... Teach them how to listen to a chazan or we will destroy the community… Yes. It’s painful. But that is how the community… the chazan will be out of a job. Neither here nor there, but he should come up with some new funkier tunes... It is painful to listen to you because you sound like Kermit the Frog. That's not a tradition... It is due to the corruptness of robbery, as Rashi notes, that the world is destroyed. Let us not rob our children of the experience of sitting and listening to a chazan sing his same tune, again... Your tunes don't change. Ashrei sounds just like the Amida. And then you join 15 words together… Because the tune doesn’t fit the words. You corrupt the songs with words that don't fit... There had already been corrupted. H' wasn't going to destroy the world, because the world was already destroyed. When something is messed up, it's already destroyed. There is no use for it anymore. The quilt should've been gone years ago. You and your slicked back hair and shaytels from India... Are we closing down the shul? No, Mr. Holzberg has already closed it. Enjoy your seat.... You've already robbed people of the chicken soup project... You don't visit the sick. That destroys the world too... What else destroys the world? Not showing up to Minyin. Not learning. Not respecting your elders... You took her seat... You got up because she hit you with her wheelchair... You never visited her... Old isn't a sickness... She can't move... (Bereishit 6:9) Noach was a righteous man ‘in his generation.’ We are not looking for a righteous man or woman. We are only looking for somebody who is better than this congregation… We are now taking donations for the rabbi's discretionary fund.... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendlechem’s Sermon The ending of the sermon brought everybody together. It really spoke to the congregants. During announcements, the rabbi reiterated, 'It's stealing when you don't pay your dues and use them on a shaytel... We are now taking donations for the rabbi's discretionary fund....' He wanted more money for his new Shul Torah Trip program. He knew nobody else would go, once he added the Torah concept to the trip. He needed that vacation from the congregants. Even my father said the play on words with Chamas went too long. It got to be too much when the congregants sincerely thought that Chumus planned the attacks on Israel last year. I believe the rabbi lost most of us when he said ‘deluge.’ We’re not that educated. He could’ve said ‘flood’ and everybody would’ve understood. The rabbi believes it is more rabbinical to use words that nobody understands. This way it is closer to the Hebrew. We had a class last week where the congregants were trying to figure out what ‘firmament’ means. ‘Rapine’? Did he have to? People were pulling out legal books after shul, to understand the rabbi's sermon. We started a Bikur Cholim committee. You start committees when people do nothing. This way they can talk about doing the thing they don't do. In this case, it's visiting the sick. They came up with a great plan to rotate not visiting people in the hospital. The rabbi added visiting the elderly. He already knows that the congregants abandon their parents and throw them into nursing facilities to die. He's mentioned that a bunch in passing. He doesn't talk about that in sermons, as most of the congregants forgot their parents are still around. They would stay in for Yizkur, but they have a tradition of stepping out. At one point, the rabbi had to argue with the Kiddish Club, who insisted on drinking during Yizkur. The rabbi got a lot of backlash for saying that it's wrong to drink when people are praying for their loved ones who have passed. Mr. Fishberg insisted that it made no sense to make Yizkur candles in shot glasses then. After mentioning the elderly, the rabbi had to spend eighteen minutes explaining that they are not diseased. The congregants couldn't understand how being old isn't a sickness or a disease. The rabbi made it a point to look at any older person, other than Bernie, and they could see it wasn't a disease. As the rabbi said, 'Bernie is annoying. That is his disease. Don't catch that, or nobody will want to talk to you at Kiddish.' The rabbi tried explaining how age is beauty. But our congregants are not that dumb. Nobody went along with that farce. I hope these people don't visit the sick. If they do, they need lessons on how to be normal caring people. Nava has spent every committee meeting teaching people the importance of pouting and staring at the sick. She even went right up to people's faces to show them that there is a greater effect of staring when you are right up in the face of someone on morphine. The shaytel issue of idol worshipping wigs is over. We just accept that everybody in the shul is probably an idol worshipper. This is why the rabbi only makes Kiddish on cooked wine. The rabbi was correct about seat appropriation. Sitting Frank next to Bob and Paul causes way too many problems in the shul. Teenagers have to be separated as well, or you have a gang developing in the aisle. And then the rabbi finds himself looking at a whole section of people pouting. Every appropriation in our shul has been inappropriate. The teenagers are annoying. Everybody who is not a teenager in our shul agrees with that. We love the little kids though. We hate the teens and love the kid. Every person in our shul is hated at some point. Our community took a census. We love old people and hate young people. The rabbi ran a Jewish Life Cycle class in which he showed us how you hate people in their teenage years. He ran that class for the youth group as well. Crux of the class: We love babies, then we buy them stuff for years, then we deal with teens while hating them, then we forget your birthday and want you out, then we expect you to get a job, then you become a jerk who wants to be a success, then we expect you to support us, then you lose all of your friends, then we all realize you are never going to be a success, then you realize you might as well not be a jerk anymore, then you get old and we like you again. The rabbi ended the class, 'Then we like you again, unless if you're Bernie.' The youth group program the following week, Navigating Coolness, was given by Nava. She showed the teenagers how the pout is best done by those who learned to snarl as teens. The rabbi blames the Jewish day school for this messed up generation. He told the principal that kids are not always right. That's the new concept. Kids are always right. They can't cross the street alone, but they are always right. The rabbi let her know that she is never right and kids give bad stock tips. The toddlers need to work on their Adon Olam and ark opening. You can't tell me they are opening the ark correctly. They're definitely going to turn into annoying teenagers. Tags:
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That is a bunch of people not having fun (Photo: digitalnewsroom.media)
The holidays are over and that means that wedding season is on. I'm here to prepare the young friends of the bride and groom. There are a few tables that you should be aware of. I don't want you to be shocked when you're trying to figure out why you're not enjoying the wedding.
Close Friends Table These are the only eight people that really care to be there. If you ever thought happiness would not be enjoyable, you are correct. These people will be overly excited and smiling more than a face wants to allow. They are there to add Simcha and an extra level of depression to the wedding. If you end being stuck at this table, be ready to dance, or you will be sitting alone. These are the lunatics waiting by the door to dance when the bride and groom first walk in. The normal people are eating the filled flaky dough. They will not be sitting at the table, they will be dancing. They will abandon you, while they wait by the door for their friends to come into the ballroom for the first dance. Then, they'll recruit you to join them in a shtick, and you will be wearing a costume, representing a bad date she had. Then, in the middle of the second dance, they'll ask you to join in a dance they saw at a wedding on Youtube. And you will be leaving the Simcha wondering why everybody thinks you're a hack. Groom’s Guy Friend Table With Only Guys Now you know your friend doesn't care about you. As a single man, you question why you even showed up for your friend, the groom. You question why there are so many single ladies, and not one of them is at your table. The hanging out with the guys didn't work when you were living at the fraternity. You question if the groom is your friend. Sitting at the dais, he's selfishly getting married, all happy with his wife, watching you hang with the guys. Bride’s Girl Friend Table This is the table where people are having the most fun. This table is generally populated with a lot of hi-pitched ‘wooohs’ in cheering form and a lot of pictures in leaning form. The side head lean into the picture shows how happy you are, and that you're part of it, even though the other girls pushed you to the outside of the picture. The forward head lean in show that you're more at the wedding than everybody else. Without a head lean, you might as well be sitting at the table of distant relatives she never met. They're extremely happy to celebrate their close friend, that they won't be seeing for the next two years. Their friend who will then be moving to a suburb. They also seem to be very happy to not be around guys. The one thing that the newlywed’s friend tables have in common is that nobody at either table wants to be sitting with guys. Singles Table This is a table that the newlyweds handpicked, by figuring out who has dated and then sitting them together. You will be able to identify this table when you notice nobody talking, and then a random individual running off to the bathroom to cry. That brings the newlyweds happiness. On a rare occasion, the bride and groom use the singles table as an opportunity to introduce their friends and possibly make a match. That introduction would be at their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, 12 years later. It's their wedding. They are not think about you. If you're a new couple, they'll end up sitting you here too. They're not going to change their plans just because you got married. If you want to fit in at any Singles Table, just sit awkwardly and don’t talk to anybody who you find attractive. CrossFit Sports Club Buddies Table These are the people showing up in shorts and dancing the whole time. As they are not just a fitness center, but a family, they had to close down the gym today. Hence, they are exploiting the wedding for their WOD (workout of the day). They are using the dancing for the aerobics, adding in line-dancing and kicks whenever possible. Do not worry, they're getting in the anaerobic by putting the bride and groom on their shoulders, substituting in for the day’s squats. And then doing the chairlift, working together as a group to do a snatch. And then they're doing pushups in front of the bride and groom for some reason. I was at a wedding where they insisted the bride and groom put their legs on the back of the dude doing pushups. He needed the extra weight to get in a better workout. Another CrossFit friend noticed how awkward everybody was at that point, so she turned it into a shtick and polished the bride and groom's shoes. Asking the bride and groom to hold their legs for back extensions was a bit much, but they needed to finish off the WOD. If you're at this table, be sure to be there when the meal is being served. Guard it. They have no problem taking your steak. They need the protein. Kids Table Done right, the chairs will be mourner height, and the tables will be round and nursery stool height. Even so, they rarely get it right at weddings. That is why the kids run around; trying to find food that is hidden on tables above their heads. This is where I usually get seated. I am single, they are single, it makes sense. As my aunt says, 'You never know.' I must say, I love chicken fingers. No Place Card Table You got invited the last day. Didn’t even get an invitation. Somebody backed out, and you're a backup friend. Now you know that. You didn't even get a call. You got a text. You thought they forgot. They need you now. They were hoping to use you for Sheva Brachot, to complete the quorum for the blessings. Whatever the reason, you should have eaten more at the smorgasbord. If you're lucky, they will have the table out before everybody come in to sit down. They bring out this table a good 20 minutes into the table seating, to save face. It's a Chesed move of kindness, to show everybody they care enough to feed the homeless people who are paying for a babysitter too. They set up the table in the corner, with the people from shul, to add to the feeling of punishment. Maybe you wronged them at some point. They probably know you are cheap, and aren’t going to give a decent gift anyways. Next time, we'll be talking about other tables of family and random community members that you also don't want to sit with. You might end up with the retirees, distant relatives she never met, the band members, work friends table. If you're lucky, you'll end up at the buffet table. Remember, it's about making the bride and groom happy, even if they sit you at the kids table. The CrossFit buddies will probably be lifting the kids too. And always remember to enjoy the smorgasbord. You'll also find alcohol there. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit10/1/2021 
We buried the Sefarim, holy books. Burying the Shaimos is an annual tradition at the shul. We do it just in case anybody didn't have to show up to a funeral. We want them to feel a sense of loss and guilt. It reminds them about how bad they already messed up since the High Holidays. So, the rabbi takes Sefarim that none of the congregants understand, and none of the congregants have used, and has a burial ceremony. The rabbi's eulogy is always meaningful, when he talks of the next generation, saying 'you and your children,' letting the congregants know that they have killed Judaism for all Jewish future 'and that is why we are burying the Sefarim. Because you killed them.' And then he points at Bernie.
The rabbi also made the point that people shouldn't use the shul as a dumping ground for their books. One time, I think it was the Simelsteins, brought a set of Gemaras and a collection of Mother Goose books and dropped them. Just left them at the shul, in the hallway. There were so many good books. They should’ve had a Sefarim take what you want night. Some real valuable old stuff was being thrown out. Frank jumped into the grave to grab some of the Gemaras. I believe he took as many as the old books as he can, and started an Ebay business. The shul was packed this Shabbat, with congregants who didn't want to kill the Torah a second time. The problem is that the rabbi buried most of the Chumashim. How the pages of the Sefarim are not clean, when nobody has ever used them, is a mystery in our shul. The youth group advisors were visiting. I think we have more advisors showing up to events than high school kids. The idea of the youth group in the shul is that the youth meet. The advisors need it more than our kids. They're already 19. They have to get married. After 22, it's harder to meet somebody in the community. People start questioning what's wrong with them. If you were to see Nathan and Sima, you would understand. They're the new single members of the shul. We have just had a New Year’s resolution meeting for the whole congregation, where the rabbi made it a point to note everybody’s sins in the congregation. Bernie thought the meeting was best used to bring out a more tenacious congregational feel. 'Resolute' was the word. So, Bernie and Fran became determined to argue for everything they felt the congregation should do. They fought. However, the congregation still voted. Bernie’s idea of the new revolving bima (cantor’s platform) did not pass. The cantor still prays to the East. It was a hard hit to Bernie, as he already got shot down last year for his idea of a revolving congregation. The rabbi was very much in favor of having new members every week. He was also in favor of kicking a member out every week. The rabbi insisted we pray to the East, and the congregation went back to the conversation about Michael and how embarrassing it was for the community that his voice cracked when he read the Torah. The fact that it was his Bar Mitzvah was not discussed. Nobody should be forced to have to sing publicly when they are on the cusp of puberty. No resolutions were made at the meeting, and every congregant is still allowed to eat chocolate and cake. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shalom My Congregants, We are now beginning the New Year of the reading of the Torah, as we just began the New Year itself, and Michael just began to go through a voice change, which is making it very hard on everybody in the congregation…. How do we make this a good start? (Bereishit 1:1) 'In the beginning, H' created the heavens and earth.' What have you done? Since the year began, have you accomplished anything? Gd created the whole earth already. Animals... Mrs. Hortman has already started eating chocolate… You made a resolution to not eat chocolate… I told you it wasn’t the Gregorian New Year’s Day… I don’t know Greg. I just know that nobody hear has done anything close to creating heavens and earth… You didn’t even plant the tomato tree you said you would… What do you have to show for your days? You don’t even show up for services... 62 years and you created nothing... H' created the earth in a day. The still life is not that impressive... Gd created the fruit and you drew it... We are embarking on the New Year and you said 'I will,' 'I will not.' No idea what you were resoluting. It seems that Michal said 'I will not,' and that was it. Many statements of resolution that were unqualified... H' said ;let there be light' and there was light. You said 'let there be weight loss' and there was... You took off nothing. This congregation put on 80 pounds last year… Yes, it is a big deal, Bernie. 80lbs is a lot… There was definitely chocolate. How do you feel about that Mrs. Slonadowskwitz?... I said, ‘Let there be a decent Kiddush’ and there was not... You say stuff and you never do it. H’ created light because He said so. You cannot create a decent watermelon basket. The watermelon carving is horrendous… We emulate H', as we are 'created in Gd's image.' But how? You do something. You get off your tuchus… Maybe don't learn from H's actions. We have enough congregants who like to complain and nothing gets done. H' said it and He willed it. You all just sit on your recliners at home and complain about the rabbi... Because you are lazy… You won't create. You say stuff and don't follow up... You work on your voice Michael. It cracks… Say you will work on it… You’ll have Hatarat Nedarim next year. We already need it. Less than a month into the year and you already broke your vows… So don’t make the vows, just do stuff. Plant the tomatoes already… You’ve been saying it for five years… Give the chocolate away on Halloween... Don't say you will, just do it... You were taking candy out of kids buckets last year... I even saw you taking from the children's Simchat Torah bags. Were you throwing the wrappers on the floor?... There was 'Tohu Vavohu' which translates to nothing. Kind of like our Minyin last week… There was nothing. I ask you all, my congregants, who have accomplished nothing with what little you have and to emulate your creator. Do something. Create something... Don’t say it. Just do it. You say stuff and walla, nothing happens… The quilt is pathetic. Don’t create that. Art is not for this congregation. Create goodness, like a decent brisket… Use what H’ gave you… Create a decent dish. Create a fruit basket that doesn’t look like a shark took a huge bite out of a watermelon… If H’ wanted to create an amazing fruit basket, made out of watermelon, He would have… He knows they always look messed up. That’s why he created the watermelon and didn’t cut it… Learn how to carve… Better yet, just say it and don’t do anything… When you do stuff, it makes everything bad. That is the lesson. Even though it is not the message of this Dvar Torah, to do, but rather to say and then it gets done. We do not support domestic abuse… Husbands and wives should both help around the house… After creating the land and vegetation (Bereishit 1:12) Gd sees it 'And it was good.' And the same with the sun and moon and stars… have you done anything remotely decent with yourselves over the past few weeks?... Your Etrog wasn’t even that good… It was a bad batch this year. Sorry. But it was meaningful. The heart of our people needs a boost... We need to do something about the teenagers. They scare people and make nasty faces... Your year just started. It is a chance to do good… The kids need help in this shul… Look at them. They are all walking in shorts this week… They killed their pants diving for candy on Simchat Torah… That is not good… Nobody here knows how to hem… I just wish I could say 'good,' but I look at this quilt... I see how heavy Marty got... I know it's the holidays. So, resolute something else... like 'I will get new pants that fit.' (Bereishit 1:31) ‘H’ sees all that He did and it was very good’… I asked for a decent kiddush. Didn't even get that… I didn’t ask for a very good Kiddish. Just decent… You cannot even create a way to take-off weight… The holidays are done, B"H. That is good… For me. I need a break from you people. I need to rest… Not just that, He created the land, animals, vegetation… I am sure He created the stars too… He created you and me. (Bereishit 2:1-3) H’ finished all the creations by the seventh day, ‘and he rested on the seventh day from all of his work… and He blessed the seventh day and made it holy…’ I can’t bless you, because you don’t let me rest. I can’t get any sleep in this place. The Chazin goes on with his notes. Then I have to answer your questions during Kiddish… What have you done since we started this year? What have you created? Let's create something now. Let's hear it. 'I resolute'... I resolute that... Resoluting to take out the trash is good. No more throwing candy wrappers on the floor... The kids on Simchat Torah. We had a three year old running around, taking two bites and dropping the lolly... Is she old enough to chew? I think she was teething on lollys. Here is proof... You see the marks on the side of the lolly? And the carpet stuck to the back side? I resolute to learn. Not just to sell the Sefarim on Ebay... I heard you when you jumped into the Shaimos, Frank. 'I am going to make a bundle on Ebay'... Have you even created a new diet? No... You are still eating, even after you resoluted... You haven't learned any Sefarim either. He created the heaven and earth!!! You can't even make a decent split pea soup... You put croutons in it... Creating a business is a thing. Why H' made no money off the creation is still baffling... Rivka’s Thoughts On Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi seemed to figure out the lolly case. He did tell us later that week that he studied forensics. The maintenance staff is still picking up candy wrappers off the floor. The Gusher wrappers clogged up the vacuum. Since Simchat Torah, kids are not allowed back into the shul until they sign a waiver that they will not drop every candy wrapper. The four year olds get to trace their signature. Mr. Heinwitz is an excellent candyman. The board was wrong for making him cleanup after the kids. He's 85 and bending everywhere. The shul almost got sued with his last candy debacle. Collectors items became a big thing in the congregation. Now the congregants are collecting and trading old Jewish Sefarim. They had a baseball card show last year that didn't pan out. All the cards were basketball, football and hockey cards. Not one baseball card. The crowd was calling it a bait and switch, and they were happy. Nobody wanted baseball cards. Now the shul is being used as a Goodwill drop off center, and then being used for an Ebay shipping hub. Frank was making a killing on the Sefarim he grabbed out of the grave. Michael and Shana noticed how well that was going, so they dug up the Shaimos too. They were digging up everything they could. When they realized it was not a Shaimos plot, Mr. Tobokman's grave should've been reseeded. They should've known that the Seforim don't get stones, as they have been killed too many times by the congregants at our shul. It's hard to figure out their date of death or hallway drop-off. It would be nice if they got more boxes when they throw the books into the hallway. Some of the boxes are overflowing. The youth had a Jenga event, trying to pull out Sefarim from a crate. The youth group, NJP (National Jewish Pride- which people still think is a right-wing underground movement or LGBTQ support group) has taken control of the Ebay sales. The kids are wearing a lot of new swag, but the youth group is still running a huge deficit for the shul. The advisors are also rolling into the shul parking lot with souped up cars. As Bereishit is about new beginnings and creation, the shul purchased 150 of the same Chumashim they buried. I don't know why new beginnings was a theme. Everytime we start a new project we get a quilt. The shul needs money. The new fundraising campaign is they’re starting to charge for parking. Got the idea from the hospital. Somebody opened a lot across the street for Shabbat parking, when they saw how much money is to be had by Jews who want to look religious when driving on Shabbat. With the parking and Ebay, they're raking in a killing. The shul cut a deal with them. Flippy tab cards are still lacking. We need more flippy tabs. Otherwise, the shul will never make the money. Even with the parking, the tab gets flipped for 6 or 18 dollars, then they leave that in their car, till they leave the parking lot and hand it to the usher. This stops people from coming into the shul and walking up to the Bima to ask the rabbi to validate on Shabbat. Michael has been having it hard recently. His voice cracked again. He could not respond to the rabbi’s point, as his voice would have cracked. I don’t think the rabbi should be getting down on him for that. Nonetheless, his voice is really annoying and everybody wants him to stop singing the ‘Eitz Chayim Hee.’ Mrs. Slonadowskwitz has a thyroid issue. She bothers the doctors every week. She gave birth two months ago. I have no idea where her kids are. We have lost many doctors in this congregation, as they are sick of getting bothered at Kiddish. They want the insurance money, and they can’t bill on Shabbat. Their secretaries don’t come to shul. I am still trying to figure out why all New Year’s resolutions in Gregorian come down to not eating chocolate. The point that H’ could have created a watermelon basket really spoke to everybody. I asked the rabbi why he didn’t bring up Israeli creations and the new Start Up nation thing, but the watermelon was a big winner with the congregation. Even so, Bernie did not like the point. At least he said he didn't like what the rabbi was saying. I am proud of my rabbi though. He made it a real sermon by calling out the congregation on not showing up for the weekday services. Husbands helping around the house should have been brought up at the meeting. The joke about ‘who sliced the brisket’ had everybody laughing at last year's third annual board meeting. The rabbi had to host an impromptu vow nullification ceremony after this sermon, as he found that everybody in the congregation was a liar. Somebody suggested to wait till next Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, as the congregants were lying about annulling their vows too. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album III9/30/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months, including the holidays. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.
We love the Kosher Chinese place... The chow-mein noodles were free. Deal!!!! We paid for the sweet and sour chicken. Should've just taken the noodles... We also love 7-Eleven, due to crushed ice in our drinks. Even if it’s watered down and it doesn’t taste like Coke, it’s crushed ice... The crush ice is free too, if you bring your own cup.
All yarmulkes in the skullcap box at shul double as reflectors. Safety first... I got called to the Torah and they wrapped a scarf around me. I asked for a Tallis... satin Kippah and a wrap, I might as well stop keeping Shabbat.
My makolet (bodega) turned into a Doar post office. We thought the message from the Doar was telling me that us that we got some Graeter's ice cream shipped to Israel that we had to pick up... His freezer was full of packages and he has stopped selling frozen chicken... B"H, he didn't charge us his unmarked prices, that he usually creates when we go in there, on the mail.
Proof. Max Stock is a Jewish store... The holidays are coming. That means, tins. They know that you don't cook for 80 people with pots and no leftovers... I bought 35 tins because I can care less about the environment when I'm celebrating. I also picked up the Costco plasticware bundle. I'm not cleaning anything... There was no more tinfoil at Max Stock. I bought it all. I’m religious and I celebrate the holidays. I’m ready for Sukkot. I bought them out of tinfoil.
That guy is not happy. It's 6am and this guy decides to blow the shofar right in his face. No warning. Just blowing the shofar, doing his duty to wake up the Jewish people. Doesn't even ask the other guy if the kids kept him all night. Just blows the shofar right in his face... No Minyin... And that guy is not loving the tradition of people randomly blowing shofars. For some reason, that guy blowing next to him, before 7am, is not making him feel a closeness to his Creator. (Photo: Menahem Kahana, AFP Getty Images, in International Business News)
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung... Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. That's when we are allowed to use them... We picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. Our eighth Sukkot in Israel and we started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us... If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish.
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The Wise Men and Women didn't realize that their meeting about social distance took place together.
The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do.
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs. Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job. Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.' 'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.' 'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side. 'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod. And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.' And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless. Epilogue Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin. The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’ The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages. The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin. Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle. When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place. For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.' Tags:
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On Yom Kippur they read the English part of the service. They called up Sharon and she read it as a reading. That is all the she understands. They started with this new English reading. It has picked up, as people find the service more meaningful as a reading.
I'm amazed how she sits in shul with no idea how to read Hebrew. She just sits and spaces out. Sits there for three hours every week, spacing out. Finally, we start the reading in English and she understands it. She was glowing. It's the new tradition in the shul. They even had a reading about the Lulav. Something about the 'spine of our people, the pole of our lives.' It did sound more meaningful as a reading. People were hugging their four species of Sukkot. With the readings, now the shul is becoming very touchy-feely. There was dancing in shul at the Friday night service. It wasn’t even Simchat Torah. The rabbi gave a speech on Simchat Torah. That was not appreciated. Even so, the rabbi said it was necessary for the meaning of the day. It went along with the touchy-feely theme. The big herring fiasco of last week is still not resolved. Mr. Himelman brought herring to Kiddish. He didn’t sponsor the Kiddish. However, he brought herring and wanted it to go out there. Nobody knew there was herring. He took it and poured it into a bowl and got it on Sadie. Nobody is happy with this herring right now, but they are all eating it. I believe the real anger started when Mr. Himelman was screaming, 'I bought the herring. It is hear now. Where are the crackers?!' He didn't buy crackers, by the way. Thank Gd the shul had extra crackers. The kids got lost at Sukkah Hopping. The Teens are back from the summer and everybody is scared. All teens scare the older people in the congregation. ‘The hoodlums are here.’ That’s what Bernie said when he saw his granddaughter and her friends. Some of the old people almost had a heart attack. Teens are scary. People were worried that other teens attacked the teens on the Sukkah hop. At the last board meeting it was proposed to send teens away to summer camp all year until they are in their early 20s and don't scare society anymore. Frank suggested that at least Michael not show up with his scary long hair. A lot of new people coming to the shul. The security guard chased away a good Jewish boy with tattoos and piercings. Now, the kid who got chased away is saying the shul is anti-Semitic and racist. The rabbi thing has been getting to the rabbi. He now believes he has a calling. Now that he really cares, the community is thinking about getting rid of him. He’s been giving sermons everywhere. I heard that there was an extended line at the scan yourself checkout at Kroger’s. He gave a sermon about how life is like waiting for death. People have stopped Krogering. The rabbi says it was for meaning. I think he gave his sermon because everything he says now is in sermon form. He has to stop changing the world, before another herring fiasco takes place. They were throwing candy on the floor for Simchat Torah. It wasn’t even a Simcha and kids pants are gone. Ami filled up a garbage bag with candy. Wouldn't share it. There was too much drinking on Simchat Torah. Ben, has been drinking a lot at shul, and denying it. That is when you know they are drunk. We just wanted the truth, as we noticed the bottles missing from the Kiddish room. He's denying it, saying he can drink a lot more, his hair is messed up, shirt is unbuttoned, got the tie off to the side, eyes glazed. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Happy Simchat Torah My congregants. Don’t want to hear it??? Dancing to Kabbalat Shabbat? It’s too much. We’re not doing Kiruv... We're not bringing people closer to Torah here. The meaningful stuff must stop... You dance on Simchat Torah. That's a designated time for dancing... I want to get home for Friday night dinner, Bernie... The dancing adds an extra fifteen minutes, with the Nay Nay Nays... And we come to an end. What a Bracha… Moshe blesses… It wasn’t a ‘have a year of blessing.’ He puts thought into his blessings, Bernie. It’s not just ‘Shabbat Shalom uMvorach’… Dan was leaping from Bashan… That’s how you bless. You tell the truth. They messed up… Blessing for this congregation is ‘You should not be as annoying as the back left section.' That is my blessing to you, as we finish the Torah on this Simchat Torah. Don't be annoying like... And they're not even here. Are they drinking again?.. The great line is right here. (Devarim 33:4) ‘The Torah Moshe commanded us is the heritage of the congregation of Yakov’… I wouldn't call this a congregation... The back left section is out drinking all the time. They think Simchat Torah is a Kiddish club... Yakov. That’s Israel… No. We don’t call it Yakov, because nobody would fly to Yakov. It sounds like a messed up country. Not one Birthright trip would’ve went there… Schottenstein would not fund visiting Yakov for the first time… You don’t say it every morning, because you don't understand the heritage of the Torah. That is why we have to stop dancing on Friday night and start dancing tonight... It's Simchat Torah... That’s the foundation of our connection with H’ at Sinai. It’s the Torah from Moshe... It's not cooking kids. R’ Mordechai Gifter, as brought in Artscroll explains that an inheritance is belongs to people to use ‘as they please’... I know they passed away. You could've paid their dues... Your grandmother never paid dues. You could've paid them and held off on the vacation... Vacationing is not an inheritance... R' Gifter continues to say that a heritage is ‘the property of generations before and after; it is incumbent upon the heirs to preserve it intact’... That's why we are not selling the shul... This shul is apparently an inheritance. I see how the back hallway is not preserved. The awning is disheveled... You use the money for stuff like a community quilt and that is what happens. The Torah is a heritage... Yes. You take it on vacation... The shul has to be kept intact... It's not your inheritance. If it was, it would have the Milky Way in the ceiling... The shul will not be a planetarium... Herring is our heritage. Mr. Himelman was correct. You eat herring with crackers... (Devarim 33:5) H’ became King when we ‘the tribes of Israel were in unity.' What unifies us is dancing not on Friday night... We can’t chase away other Jews with messed up quilt wall hangings. It's about bringing people together. It's about hopping to Sukkahs together... We must preserve Gd's kingship. The Sukkah walk was great. Older people can't hop. That was the best program we ever had. It unified everybody, as we lost some of the teens... Teens were hopping and the people we want in the congregation were walking. That was unity... That made us a congregation. When we lost the teens... You can't have unity when the Challah s placed all the way on the other side of the Sukkah... You wash inside and then can't talk to all the people you're passing on the way to the Challah... Nobody thinks it's the Challah. Fran knows you don't want to talk to her... Unity is when single people meet. Simchat Torah is the perfect time... It's social, Bernie... We're not mixed dancing this year... The security guard did not help with unity... I don't think we will see Gd's Kingship in this congregation if Jews are not allowed in... My bracha to the children is more candy. More alcohol is not a blessing… Kingship doesn’t last around you holding a Torah all tipsy… Nobody wants to unify with you, Mark. Not when you're leaning on them, tell them how much you love them... You drank too much Mark... The one handed Torah grab switch to the left was an impressive move… Your hagba was also impressive under the influence. But we are looking to preserve the Torah. Not to puke on it… It is our heritage, along with Airhead taffys... No. You can't do with it what you want... It's not going to Kiddish. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The rabbi gave his whole speech as a reading. It was more sentimental and solemn than usual. He read it from a paper and had excellent cadence. People said it was meaningful. It is clear that the kids had no idea it was Simchat Torah. They knew that there was candy. The taffy was gone. The little pellet gushers were gone. They didn’t hear the Torah. They were out during the reading of vZot HaBracha, eating the candy. The security guard chased away the Jews. The security guard is not Jewish. I don't think anybody knows that. A meeting was held to not have scary people staring down Jews when they enter shul. Because of this security guard, Jews are being blamed for being anti-Semitic. I believe the new security guard is an anti-Semite. He placed himself in the perfect position to be an anti-Semite. Jews are always going to shul. He can hate more people in a day. Somebody had to explain to the guard on the next shift that many Jews have piercings too. The security guards now know that Jews can have tattoos, and Jews are sinners. That security guard should’ve realized that Jews are sinners the first Shabbat, when Sadie asked him to park her car. Everybody left shul on Simchat Torah wanting to dance. I think they were too tired from Friday night dancing. And then, once they dealt with Mark and his drinking, and not finding herring crackers, people were not up for dancing in shul. COVID might have had something to do with it as well. The herring was used for Simchat Torah, and the cousins that came to visit and dance for Simchat Torah are allergic to fish. I think that the whole fish thing on Simchat Torah had everybody down. That was the first speech that has ever been given on Simchat Torah. Rabbi Mendelchem said, ‘It’s a Parsha. Should we forget it?’ That was his statement. The question mark denotes a statement. He also said it with a high pitch. It was a very strong statement. And we lost members. The rabbi’s plea for a Birthright trip did not happen. To this day, people are still amazed that Yakov and Yisrael are the same thing. The rabbi has had to give eighteen classes on how Yakov and Yisrael are the same person and the same nation. He also had to give Torah dancing classes, as the Jewish grapevine does not work with the two-handed Torah hold. People also didn't touch Torahs correctly on Simchat Torah morning, when they were doing the Walk in Torah Raise Bang. Herring eating was another course the rabbi had to give. Nobody in the shul can balance their herring correctly. We may not have a Kiddish luncheon next Simchat Torah. Too much food was left on the floor. Mark spilled everything, as he fought his hangover with more alcohol. The kids left all their candy wrappers like a trail to Ami's bag of unshared candy. How they all got to Ami's bag that he wasn't sharing was amazing. I think Ami just left it there, like he did the lollipops he was licking and leaving all over the carpet. The rabbi stepped in cake. Spent the next two days showing everybody the bottom of his shoes with mousse on it. Kiddish Club is still going out. That happened on Shabbat Chol Hamoed. The rabbi made an executive decision to stop services when they are out. They’re now taking a break when Kiddish Club goes out. Minyin stops when they go. The non-alcoholics play foosball. The rabbi also brought in an air hockey table. This new plan got many people off alcohol. Especially the teenagers who used to join the Kiddish Club. I think they’re just drinking faster and then coming to play foosball. Simchat Torah had some drunk kids running around. That was disturbing. The parents said, they want their child to enjoy the holiday or forget it. Nobody met on Simchat Torah. It turns out that due to the rabbi’s sermons everywhere people couldn’t meet. He came into the hallway, where a shidduch was happening, and started talking about holy matrimony. I think he believes he’s a Jewish priest. Everybody is becoming more religious now. The young couple who’s about to get married, isn’t touching anymore. She told him that she loves him and wants to be Shomer Negiah (not touching). Because it’s a meaningful relationship, she wants to be Shomer Negiah just with him. She has dated every other guy in the community. Only with him does she want to be Shomer Negiah. Ben is now looking at every guy in the community with contempt. It all happened because the rabbi gave a speech about saving the physical part of the relationship for marriage. He’s worried that if she still loves him when they get married that she will never touch him. He's given up. He started eating herring. I think that whole sermon by the rabbi and the Shomer Negiah results is what got Ben drinking in the first place. Kiddish setup is off. Got to put the challah near the door. I am surprised the people still don't get that. I am happy the rabbi dealt with that in one of his sermons. They placed the Challah on the other end of the Sukkah. So now, you have to walk past everybody, after cleaning your hands, dissing each person, not talking to them. That's why there is no unity. I was gone for the first days of Sukkot and all goes haywire. One week and Kiddish setup is messed up already. I got involved in helping at Kiddish, because I couldn’t stand listening to the kids’ Anim Zmirot. Teach them the stuff beforehand. I feel like every Shabbat, we have to watch a Bar Mitzvah lesson. Then the toddlers opening the ark is another nightmare. These kids need to get down the strings. It's like watching the non-religious people on Yom Kippur in shul. Herring is still the issue in the shul. As Mr. Himelman said, 'I didn't tell anybody I brought it, and I didn't sponsor Kiddish. But they should've smelled it.' The shul now has cases of backup Tam Tams, just in case herring is on premises. Tags:
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We were not working, because of the holidays. We don't work on the holidays. It's our custom. We will not be funny for you during Sukkot at any point in time, as it is the holiday season and that is forbidden.
Somehow, not working on holidays gets everybody mad at you, even in our all Jewish office. All staff at the Kibbitzer is angry at the other staff members right now. They're saying the other staff members are lazy, and that's why they're not working on the holidays that they are all keeping. Taking off for the holidays as a whole staff has caused a lot of anti-Semitism amongst the Jews. To minimize co-hatred of Jews in our office, all Kibbitzer staff has agreed to work Sundays. One staff member said we should write in the Sukkah. She was called a heretic, and the Jews hated her even more. Due to nobody getting along, everybody is thinking of starting breakaway magazines, so that they can say that the other magazines are the ones they don't write for. It was noted to us by our staff that we shouldn’t be writing this piece, as it is a holiday. Tags:
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My kids left half-eaten Chanukah gelt, and I was stuck with some Bitcoin.
You get it? A lot of times, Chanukah gelt is chocolate coins. People bite those, makin them bit. Bitcoin is... 
The Christmas Tree Shop. Where I buy everything I need for Chanukah, including the paper dreidel.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
11/29/2021
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