Announcements
Please show up for Kaddish. First Kaddish on Shabbat is at 9am. Kiddish is at 11:30am. Though you may have to hear a joke from Mervin when eating Kichel, Kiddish is not suppposed to be part of the mourning process. We're going to be installing our congregants. We understand that each person needs the Kavod of an instillation to show up to Minyin. We will install whatever you need by your seats, to make it comfortable for you to be in shul. We will even install a new AV system so you can enjoy a decent film during Davening. Just be there for Kaddish. The rabbi kept track of who didn't show for Shiva. He knows who you are and you will not get Aliyahs. To be clear Shiva times are all day. That means all day. That means you won't get a an invitation. The rabbi is mourning. You show up and comfort him. He has requested that Mervin not tell any jokes, as he is already going through a lot. The fundraiser raised $300K. Thanks to your donations we can now purchase the new light bulbs for the sanctuary. We forgot to announce Mother's Day. Now they know who truly cares. Call you mothers now. If we have to tell you to call your mother, there is an issue. The rabbi can't call his mom. Maybe you should stop by his house for Shiva. Rabbi Mendelchem Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Nasso. Carried. Escorted. How you bury somebody... We count in this week's Parsha. You can't count your mother when she is not in this physical world. So here you are. You haven't shown up to my house for Shiva... It's good to know you care about Kiddish. If I had Kichel to celebrate my Mom's death, you would come. I am sorry we didn't have a decent enough spread at the Shiva... Well. The membership never learned to provide mourners with food... I've been eating canned peas and TV dinners all week... I didn't think of becoming a chef at my Mom's Shiva... Then people would come. If we stopped doing Kiddish, you wouldn't show for shul. Nobody would be able to say Kaddish... Because there wouldn't be Kiddish, Sadie... You forget the past. You forget community. You forget to visit your rabbi when he's sitting Shiva... There are requirements. Things you do, as they are important. Holy. You would expect... The Levites were counted from thirty to fifty. Not from twenty. It is holy work. You don't let teenagers lead in Shacharit... These teenagers Daven too slow, Mark. And you don't ask teens to make Shiva food... One kid delivered a pizza. It was half hour late. Ever had room temperature pizza... You wonder why the army is so messed up. Carrying the Mishkan is holy work... That's the Tabernacle. I'll give you a list of words you should know, Shlomo. One of them is Shiva. It's when you pay respects and comfort the living family members... It's in a house. Not the Tabernacle. Kohens are a whole other story... The Levite physical work of carrying the Mishkan could've been done when they were twenty. However, it is holy. And thus, you have to be a bit older. This is why we don't trust our kids with decorating the sanctuary. Balloons??!!! It looks like a pinata... That's supposed to be the Ner Tamid... A shul has to focus on its elders. Spiritual happens when you're older. Look at Max. He used to be a heretic. Now he comes to shul... I know it was for Kaddish. This shul needs to focus more on death... Not Kiddish. Kaddish. It's about keeping things in place. Making sure we connect... (Bamidbar 4:32) Rashi ' There were pegs and ropes for the bottom of the curtains and the hangings so that the wind should not lift them up.' You don't have balloons flying around the shul, all up in the ceiling. You hold things down. Roots. Old people. You respect them. You listen to Mervin's jokes. You eat Kichel. You show up to Shiva... Do I still have to explain what all day means? Does anybody celebrate Shiva not during 3 and 4pm... Zoom??? It's not a video. We're not putting together a film. It's not a Zoom event. It's a Shiva. For the sake of... You don't have to be thirty to go to a Shiva house. Though. It would be nice if the thirty-year-olds took upon themselves the holy task of visiting during Shiva... Even if there wasn't a decent spread. Bernie... Even if they're not Leviim. That's the lesson. The being older and more mature. Doing holy stuff... Yes. I am saying that everybody can do holy stuff... Not in the Temple... If I had a better membership, I could give an example. I am sorry Vicky. (Bamidbar 4:32) 'You shall designate by name the implements charged to them for their burden.' When it comes to holy tasks, you designate. Otherwise, you end up with a pinata as your Ner Tamid. Without designating, you end up with three hundred thousand dollar light bulbs. And you end up with no food for Shiva... Your designated task is to visit your rav... Rivka's Rundown That was a dark sermon. Most of the membership didn't catch the difference between Kiddish and Kaddish. At one point, Ethel was trying to figure out why they weren't serving rugulach during Kaddish. And nobody visited the rabbi for his last two days of Shiva. Our whole congregation is COVID stupid. They don't understand what 'all the time' means. Ever since Zoom and COVID Shiva is only during times. Half hour Shiva slots. The office had to answer calls every five minutes, 'If it's all the time, then what time do we go?' The rabbi kept track of the Shiva no-shows. Good for him. He's going to save a lot of money on wedding gifts. The rabbi skipped everything this week. Even after Shiva. I guess mourning takes longer than seven days. He is now praying for a Minyin, so he can say Kaddish. The shul should designate people to pray. A bunch of heretics in our shul. The rabbi is right. We need more people saying Kaddish. People felt like they got scammed in the fundraiser. 300k for light bulbs. The president of the board has been accused of siphoning the funds. I forgot Mother's Day. None of my kids called. Our shul has kids doing too much. Decorating the synagogue with streamers and balloons for Shavuot was messed up. This is why you need older people for holy activities. If the older people weren't lazy, we might have had flowers for Shavuot. Maybe they would visit for Shiva too. Have you ever seen a young person at a Shiva? It's awkward. You've got to focus on the young person. ‘How do we make them feel comfortable when Mom and Dad just went to Olam Haba???’ Got to see the kid, as if we’re ruining their day. They're itching to run to the mall with their friends. If they miss the sale, that will kill them. Maybe it's the jumpy house they're running to. They actually put a TV screen by Shlomo's seat. He gets a notice when it's time to answer Kaddish. Three hundred thousand dollars for light bulbs?! I have a feeling these non-profits are scamming us. And they didn't even put names on the light bulbs. The rabbi vowed to teach the membership of the congregation to purchase bagels and lox, and to bring it to a Shiva house. To quote the rabbi, 'Topeka is not a great place to sit Shiva.' He also said that any thirty-year-old should be fine purchasing lox. If they can't handle and eat lox by that age, they are not Jewish. That's what the rabbi said. The rabbi convinced the board to focus on death. He explained that people donate money for dead people. The rabbi said that the new chapter of the shul is to stop focusing on the kids and to focus on death, for the capital campaign. Now the shul has started a calendar campaign with Alav HaShalom pictures, and a death committee. The rabbi just wants to make Topeka a great place to sit Shiva. A Shiva destination. He purchased Shiva recliner chairs. Many families can't wait to sit. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXII6/2/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim angry sarcasm, and Shavuot and how Pesach and how cheesecake turns people Jewish, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that non-Kosher cafes are Jewish. That should help with our Kiruv project.
Now this a Jewish Cafe... There is nothing more Jewish than eating Treif. I have never met a non-Jew who told me they had Treif for dinner.
The Lag BOmer tradition of burning homes... Yes. That was somebody's door before the kids got to it.
This is what it looks like when citizens of Jerusalem walk in their city on Jerusalem Day with pride. You'll hear about this violent protest of children waving flags and singing 'Jerusalem of Gold', offending citizens of Jerusalem, in the news this Friday. (Photo: Lior Mizrahi/Getty)
That's what it looks like when you see a decent piece of cheesecake, and that is why people love Shavuot (not the learning). And that is why people become a Baal Teshuva. And then they start to keep Shabbat and eat meat. (Photo: eatthisny.com)
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Announcements
Lactose intolerant members are asked to not come to shul this Shavuot. You ruin the holiday. Nobody needs people who can't enjoy a cheesecake at shul. Nobody needs to feel like they need to go on a diet when celebrating. And nobody should say anything about the strawberry jelly topping, even if Mark needs to take off a few. Nobody likes you. We are open to new members. Everybody should know that they are welcome in our shul and they should feel comfortable. Our membership is made up of many odd people. All night learning will be filled with classes, so that you can sleep. Shavuot times are wrong. Please see the last notice we sent to be sure you have the times right. This bulletin is the last notice. Class on how to not let your kids run up to the Bima in the middle of Davening will take place in the middle of services. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 1:46) 'The sum of all of those counted was six hundred and three thousand, five hundred and fifty.' And they are all dead... Yes. They all showed up to shul on time. And their kids did not run around the shul like it was the Shul Playhouse Funhouse... They were part of the Jewish people. Now gone. Reuven, Shimon, Gad... All part of a people. A people who are supposed to carry on their legacy in this world... Dead. They're dead Bernie. Gone. Not alive... I don't know what they did, Bernie. Maybe they didn't interrupt their rabbi's sermon. That's a legacy... Some may have been lactose intolerant. That may have been where the Jewish legacy of lactose intolerance started... They were not as odd as the members of our shul. They probably didn't let their kids run up during announcements... They watched their kids. That was part of their legacy. They were decent congregants. That's how they were able to count them. They didn't bother their rabbi all the time... They were accepting of all people. Even weirdos... That's what made them unique. Like our members. Different... Odd. The tribe of Levi was counted separately... They were not losers... (Bamidbar 1:47) 'Only the tribe of Levi, don't number, and don't reckon their sum among the children of Israel.' Rashi teaches that 'The legion of the king deserves to be counted on its own'(Tanchuma). This is why I don't lead the congregation. I am better... I am working for H', and the congregants depend on me to count them for a Minyin. Do you not see the issue?... Half the time I'm in the office and I've got to reckon the annoyance of a member who wants a discount on dues... It's like when the weirdos in our shul play baseball, we have fifteen on the field. Nobody cares, because none of us can catch a ball... The other teams count their players to make sure there aren't more than nine... Kind of like when none of our players were counted in the all-star game. None of our players made it. They counted the good players separately... They were good. Not from our shul. I don't even think we have one Levite in the congregation... The other tribes were special too. Just not as special as the Levites. When you get a Yisrael Aliyah, you are not special. When the only special thing about you is an upset stomach... Being counted among Israel can be special. When they're responsible, it's special. When they show up to shul on time, they're special... You should have known the times would be wrong in the announcements... Showing up late is not special. It's annoying... The kids are special. But they should not be running up on the Bima... You should be at that the Getting the Kids Off The Bima class... The class is now, to get you out of shul. So that we don't have to reckon you... Your kids wreck everything. Running around... In this Olam, this world, we continue their legacy... They live in Olam Haba... I can't explain Olam Haba now. It's a place where nobody has lactose intolerance, and everybody can eat cheesecake. And even non-Levites are important. All there. Receiving the Torah. The Torah we receive on Shavuot. We continue the Torah. Everybody is important in Torah. Even Simmy... And if you would know when the Shiva is, you would show up late... It's all the time. The Shiva is the Shiva. The whole week. Shiva... It's called Shiva because it's Shiva. It's not called 3 to 4pm... It's called Shiva... No. You don't invite people. It's not a party. If I was inviting people, I would invite Levites. My mom was special. A special Levite mother. One who lived the Torah and made everybody feel special. Even the losers. Every loser member of this congregation loved her... Dead. All dead. Rivka's Rundown That was a dark sermon. A lot of losers in the shul. The rabbi made that clear when he said 'different'. A bunch of lactose intolerant losers. The 'nobody likes you' announcement had the dairy sensitive people up in arms. Bernie truly wanted to know what each of the 603,550 people did for a living. Shavuot all night learning went till 2am. To quote Hymie, '2am is all night.' The times were wrong, even in the last email announcement, where they said to look at the last announcement. They had to announce the times in shul. Most people showed up too late for the announcement. According to the first announcement, they were on time. Kids running up to Bima, where the rabbi speaks from, is a bit much. The president of the shul was announcing the passing of a dear member and the kids were running up there. They thought the lectern was a slide. They were jumping all over the thing. One kid was swinging on the president. He thought the president was monkey bars. And as the president announced the condolences from the membership, not including Levites, one kid swung from the president's shoulder onto the side railing and yelled 'whippy.' The class was placed correctly. We got the annoying parents out of the shul. They are now handing out Aliyah donation cards. Mark swears he is never taking an Aliyah again. He exclaimed that he will not bless Gd over the Torah if he has to pay for it. On Monday, Mark showed up to the rabbi's office to bargain with the rabbi for cheaper Aliyahs. He tried getting a ten pass. The rabbi kicked him out of the office and let him know he's not a Levi. The rabbi's mother went to Olam HaNishamot this week, and they still made him speak. He started crying mid-sermon. Who makes the rabbi speak in the middle of Shiva?! The board said he already took his vacation. He shouldn't have taken the vacation down to the Keys. He wasn't ready for the shock of losing a loved one. The sermon started as a downer. The rabbi truly misses his mom. Once he started berating Bernie, his touch came back. Once the rabbi started putting down the congregants, he was at the top of his game. Side Note: The Ahava sales last month were not where the rabbi wanted it. After Shiva, the rabbi started telling people how bad their skin looks. He added in that they can die from chapped hands. That helped the sales. Nobody showed up on time to anything. Nobody knew to look at the last notice, which was the announcement sent to look at the last notice. Tags:
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Announcements
The community Lag BOmer marshmallows were Paskesz. You should all know you had a religious Jewish experience eating the marshmallows, even if most of our community thought it was a good idea to sing folk songs by the fire pit. Our board would like to officially apologize for the people who brought their guitars. Especially the classic guitar. We assure you all that the rabbi has sat with them and they now know that the only songs that are allowed to be sung at a bonfire are Carlebach songs. Yom Yerushalayim is this coming Thursday night. As nobody in the community knows what it is, we won't celebrate it. The weather committee would like to announce that the shul air-conditioning has been fixed and is working. It will be very hot in shul this Shabbis. We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel, and for their safety. With that in mind, don't go to Israel this summer. Show your solidarity by vacationing in The Mountains. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Exerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It is the Jubilee year and nobody is jubilizing. Everybody is worried about what to eat. The same way we must worry about what is going to be with Kiddish after the horrific Berkman Bat Mitzvah. And after you found out that two bags of Paskesz marshmallows is not enough for a community Lag BOmer... You can't jubilize when you have food rationing... We're living in 2023 America. If you don't have leftovers, nobody is happy. You can't jubilize with one rugulach, Bernie! What is everybody worried about? (Vayikra 25:19) If you follow the laws of Shmita and Yovel 'the land will give fruit and you will eat to satisfaction, and you will dwell securely upon it.' There is no security when you have a board that can't figure out that people like to eat. Would anybody have kept the laws without food?! H' promises us food. This is why we listen to Him. There is no reason to listen to the president of the shul. Do not listen. He supports the worst Kiddishes. His anniversary party didn't even have sour cream and onion dip. No jubilee there. You can't jubilate with the president of our shul. And there is no security guard this Shabbis... Just saying, Mark. And it wasn't during Yovel (the jubilee year)... If you believed in Gd, Mr. President, we would have more food. Good religious Jews have more food. Why? Gd provides. That's why the Frum shul has potato kugel every week... It's from H'... If you served better food, we wouldn't have lost the two families last year. Membership would be up and there would be lox spread... Gd provides. Yes. Gd provides. It's not just a saying. Gd provides Kichel and marshmallows... If you would've had smores, there would've been jubilating... It's about being fair. H' is fair. Hence, we trust Him. (Vayikra 25:21) The sixth year will give fruit for three years. I feel like we're suffering a famine in this congregation. With a marshmallow Lag BOmer and that horrific Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, I'm thinking that I should not come to shul for three years... The land goes back to the ancestral heritage. You don't sell land forever because we are only sojourners. That doesn't mean to not mow your lawn. You're still responsible for your house... The world is H's and it is owned by Him... It's not like an apartment rental. You have to fix your own faucet... You can pray to H' that you don't get a leak. On Yom Yerushalayim we praise Gd... Because He gave Jerusalem to us. Why I have to explain this?! I'm talking to AmAratzim. A bunch of Apikorsim in this place... We now celebrate Yom Yerushalayim this week. Let us jubilate with more food. We are going to have a food committee that has nobody from the board on it... Because all of you members of the board make bad decisions, like Tzimis, and you are annoying... It was a board member that rationed marshmallows on Lag BOmer... If he has money or somebody pays for the land, you give it back early. But he has to pay... (Vayikra 25:27) '...shall reckon the years of his sale and return the remainder to the man that he sold it to.' You can't rip people off. The housing rentals in Topeka are crazy... It's Topeka Bernie. Nobody makes 5K a month... You can't go knocking on the door at Pilgrimage Boulevard. You sold that house... Topeka is not Israel... We are not Mormon... It's the selfishness and lack of giving that has caused for no jubilation in this congregation. We must give a decent amount of food to enjoy Yom Yerushalayim... No rationing falafel balls. Fairness comes when you understand it is not yours. When you understand that Kiddish isn't yours. When you understand that nobody wants you to sing at a bonfire. When you learn about Yom Yerushalayim. You jubilate with Paskesz... Paskesz candies are religious. Sadie. They are part of our tradition... I am sweating. Hence there is no joy... Ancestral heritage without a decent AC unit? Gd would never have done that... The land was returned with AC. You didn't take the unit with you when you left... And go to Israel... Even for Yom Yerushalayim. How do we celebrate Israel by not going??? Exactly. I don't understand the board of our shuls... I know they have Paskesz in The Mountains. You get Osem in Israel.... Stop worrying about money. The shul raised 300k last month. That should've covered a third bag of marshmallows. That should cover a jubilee. Where is the money? Chazak Chazak vNitzchazek. Be strong and there will be food... I am moving to Israel. I'm sick of this AmAratzut... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi didn't move to Israel. He said he has more inheritance in America. Even so, he was mad about nobody visiting Israel. He noted that if the nonJews of Topeka knew what Jews were, it would be dangerous in Topeka, and there would be no Paskesz. The shul raises money and then they charge for everything. I think they just raise money to raise it. When the rabbi now goes to a Simcha, if there isn't a good spread, he notes they're godless people. The Hendelmans didn't have a smorgasbord. The rabbi told me they're heretics. If you believe in Gd you will trust that He will provide food for all the guests, and there will be enough for you for the next three years. That's unless it's a Kiddish by one of our congregants, a holiday with our board, or a Hendelman Simcha. Yes. The shul has a weather committee. At the beginning of their meetings they watch the news and look at the ten day forecast. Then they discuss who is going to come and who is not. And they still have no idea how to work the AC unit. They've called the weather station to get the anchor to announce a snowstorm so people would come to shul. They figured that if the congregants couldn't go to the lake, in fear of an incoming storm, they would go to shul. It turns out that even when our congregants have nothing to do, they would rather not go to shul. AC has been fixed. Meaning, a new unit has been installed. The weather committee did the finances, and they realize it's too expensive to run the unit. The casing of the AC unit looks nice. A beautiful white coat. The rabbi created a new rule that you have to serve Paskesz at all shul events, so that we can go to Shamaim. To quote the rabbi, 'Heaven is lined with Paskesz soursticks.' All members of the shul cancelled their Israel trips. Thanks to the shul announcements, Israel lost a hundred thousand dollars. They listened to the rabbi and there were three falafel balls a person at the Yom Yerushalayim celebration. It was still pathetic. No jubilating. There was no Tahini. Tags:
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That is what's holding up traffic... (Photo: Gili Yaari/Flash90)
BILL 4 – No Third Grade Kids Directing Traffic
This is an issue in Jerusalem. Hence, I bring it up on Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem Day). One of the few days the kids aren't in school, and thus it is safe to cross at a crosswalk. Act The post school stop sign to cross the street cannot be held by children until they are old enough to cross the street by themselves. Problem a) Children are directing traffic in the middle of the day, when school is out. The only traffic pattern they know is walking home from school with a whistle. b) The whole of West Jerusalem is held up and traffic is stopped at 2:30pm, because the kid is too small to lift the stop sign, to let cars go. The bigger kids are waving the signs and pointing them in random directions, aloof, smacking people on the sidewalk. One spaced out kid had people held up in the middle of the sidewalk. He was pointing the sign the wrong way. The kid didn't realize cars don't drive on the sidewalk. c) These kids aren’t old enough to cross the street themselves. d) This falls under the issues brought up in all the safety bills I have proposed, of which each one consists of motorcycles and Toostoosim. e) I see a fluorescent orange vest, but I see nothing inside of it. These kids are tiny. It looks like one of those tiny person sketches where somebody acts as the hands for somebody else. I just see two hands and a vest. g) No child should have to deal with road rage until they get their license. I saw a fifty-year-old native beep and curse out a kid. He thought he was getting mad at the car in front of him for holding up traffic. It was the kid that was holding up traffic, as she couldn't lift the sign, and that is who he ended up cursing at. I believe it was his child, as the kid screamed back, ‘Keep your eyes on the road you idiot.’ h) These kids are going to be going to the army, there is enough danger then. i) Teachers finish teaching and then abandon them, leaving them in charge of the running of the school, city traffic, and the municipality. j) I get held up. That ruins my day. And then I hate kids. Solution a) Spend money and have a grownup directing traffic. b) If we are using children, give them sumo suits or something that will protect them. The fluorescent in the middle of the day does not work the same as in the dark. If they're going to have the fluorescent orange vests, make them stay in school till 6pm, after rush hour. c) No beeping until you know who caused the problem. Then you are allowed to get out of your car and hurt them for driving at the speed of traffic. d) Send kids to traffic school. At least, make sure they are not drinking. I don’t know what Petel does to the brain, but it does not have them focused on my getting past Beyt Sefer Yisodi Pelech. e) Get them on a weightlifting regimen or have them work in groups. Get four kids on each sign. The only issue with this is teamwork. Which is why they should take up rowing and join a crew before being allowed to run the city at 2:30pm. f) Teach the kids directions. If they can't point right, they can't run city traffic. g) Make it clear that the children are the ones causing traffic, so that we know who to blame. Grownups will stop fighting with each other. h) Have a huge blinking sign 'Warning: Delays Up Ahead. Child Who Was Educated in the Jerusalem School System Running Traffic Patterns.' Tags:
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The Salatim and fish table at the breakfast buffet. A decoy for the desserts that are right behind it. (Photo: kosherfrugal.com)
When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day.
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people. Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester. Eat Fast Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast. The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster. Don't Talk I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is. Use Two Plates Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables. All Courses Are Meat Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat. Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat. Bring Dessert for the Table I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique. You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it. Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food. Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well. There Are Other People They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this. Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that. Take Food with You You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child. For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now. Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante. Tags:
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Don't be a Chilul H'. We ask the members of our community to mow their lawns. It would appear that most of our membership is not aware that grass grows in the spring, even when it's on their front lawn. A neighbor came to the rabbi and said they are starting to hate Jews because of weeds. Your dandelions are causing antisemitism. Lag BOmer marshmallows in a fire pit. That is the event this year. There will be no bows and arrows. As we learned last year, bonfires with bows and arrows is dangerous. Marshmallows makes the arrows more dangerous. The Jazz Festival falls out on Lag BOmer. We want to thank the city council for finally scheduling something that works with our holiday. The Comedy Festival during Tisha BAv was not well attended by Jews last year, and the town board was offended. No more creative Kiddishes. Just because it is somebody's Simcha, does not give them the right to serve vegetarian choolante. Due to the Berkman Kiddish last week, we have decided that all Kiddishes must either have meat or a full hot pasta buffet with cheesecake. As a community, we would like to take back our Mazel Tov on the Berkman Bat Mitzvah. The salad and beans brought happiness to nobody. Members are asking that the Berkmans return their gifts. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vaikra 21:17-24) A Kohen 'that has a blemish shall not come close to offer the food of Gd... nose has a bridge... one limb longer than the other...' Yes. Bernie. If a limb is longer than the other they can't do a sacrifice. If the hem is off a little, you're forbidden from bringing sacrifices... Yes. They are still Jewish. They just can't do the Kohen service. 'or who has abnormally long eyebrows... dry skin...' This congregation does not lotion themselves. The skin on this congregation. I can't even shake hands Good Shabbis. I say hi and I feel like I've got sandpaper rubbing my skin off my hand. This congregation would have never been able to be Kohanim. I see the Kohens Duchen. The most chapped hands... Your hands are disgusting. I don't even think your blessing counts... That should be the law. You can't sacrifice with dry skin, and you can't greet people Good Shabbis... I know you work in landscaping. You get home. You lotion up... It's not about you Sam. It's about the people you're saying Good Shabbis to. Bad skin... Do you want skin falling into your Karban?! Chapped hands all over your meat... In our shul, we should stop people without hand lotion from getting Aliyahs... No. I know he has big eyebrows. Anthony Davis is not a Kohen... Biggest putdown back in the times of the Beis HaMikdash were, 'You would be Pasul from Kehnuaship service.' That's offensive. The bullies would say that... Kohens also didn't have ugly lawns. If they saw the Frankel's lawn, it would have been written, 'Kohens with lawns like the Frankels can't approach the altar.' We should burn your lawn for Lag BOmer. That's how messed up it is… There is a community that is not Jewish that pays people to mow their lawns. They know you’re not a farmer... Your hands are soft and they're chapped. It should look good... Things have to be done right. Kiddish should look good and tasted good. Everybody loves cheesecake Dr. Berkman... The Bat Mitzvah wasn't a Simcha. Nobody was happy... If the Kohanim got the haircuts, you got last Lag BOmer, they would not be allowed to sacrifice. It looked like chapped hair... Dandruff. A lot of dandruff. You don't want that in your sacrifice either... They could still eat of the sacrifices, unlike Metzora and Zavs. We will get into those people who couldn't even eat with their families next week... They messed up and they looked off... If it was a Berkmans Kiddish sacrifice, no Kohen would want to eat it anyways... Rivka’s Rundown Ugly people were offended when they heard they couldn't be Kohens. By the way, the Kohen family are not good-looking people. I don’t even think they’re Kohens. After the sermon, everybody was trying to figure out if other congregants' sleeves were off a bit. They were trying to figure anything they could do to not give people Aliyahs. There is a lot of fighting for Kibudim (honors in shul). One guy stole the Anim Zemirot leadership for his son on Shabbat by telling the Gabai the other kid had a pimple. I her Rachel tell Mark he would've never been able to bring a Karban. That hurt. I think that relationship is over. The rabbi tried selling Ahava products at the end of his sermon. He told everybody there will be an Ahava showing on Monday at his home. He said it was to support Israel, but I think he's definitely getting a commission. The marshmallows were a weak Lag BOmer experience. You can put hotdogs on a stick too. Everybody smelled disgusting for days after the marshmallow making. I didn't know smoke could smell that bad. It smelled great with the fire. Mixed with cotton, it's disgusting. And apparently, our congregants don't do laundry very often. Three foot sticks is not enough. You need at least eight feet on your stick to get enough distance from the fire. The cheesecake requirement made everybody happy. The Berkmans sponsored the cheesecake Kiddish on Shavuot, to make up for their Bat Mitzvah follies. Their daughter, Leah, is now allowed to keep her gifts. The Jazz festival was nice. Our Chazin didn’t sing at it. Tags:
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That looked dangerous. Then, I learned about Emunah. (Photo: Emil Salaman in Haaretz)
I never experienced Lag BOmer in my life. It was my first year in Yeshiva and I already messed up counting the Omer on day two. I had no idea what day thirty-three meant. I didn't even know people were still counting at that point. One of the students in Yeshiva made it to day twenty-eight without messing up. We now celebrate him as a Tzadik. So, I did what most people do on Lag BOmer. I went grocery shopping. I needed dinner.
On My Way Back Home I was on my way back from the supermarket when I smelled a fire in the woods. I ran towards it and noticed that kids were burning stuff. I saw flames flying high and kids playing right by the huge flames. I thought it should be reported. It looked dangerous. More people came to the spectacle. Yet, nobody said anything. Just the opposite. They joined and commended the kids. Tons of people were around. They saw it. They did nothing. They saw kids running and pushing each other near the fire. They said nothing. Adults even started their own fire. All while the kids' fire got bigger and bigger. I asked the children if they knew how to make a fire, as I was a Boy Scout. They said, 'No. Only non-religious people learn stuff like how to make a fire. We have Emunah. Belief in Gd.' And their belief in Gd showed, as their fire got even bigger. More Fires I saw more fires starting up. I thought it was weird to see children burning doors and carpets, but they were in the fire. Household appliances made their way to the flames. Anything that could burn or melt made its way into the fire. It must have been a miracle of Lag BOmer. One of the groups of kids playing freeze tag near the uncontained fire ran out of wood, yet they kept the fire burning with artifacts from their homes. It looked dangerous, but the kids told me it was a religious thing. They said, 'On Lag BOmer, you're supposed to make huge fires with cleaning products.' So, I felt safe. When they told me it was spiritual, I felt even safer around all of the huge uncontained fires. One of the children showed me his oven cleaning spray. It said flammable on it, as well as danger. He threw it right into the fire, as it was flammable and the fire started dwindling a bit. And it exploded. A gigantic flame flew, and happiness was had. The pride that kid had when he got the desired result of burning something illegal was the kind of joy one can only have when connecting to Gd. They went on tell me that it was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Why Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai likes fires so much, I don't know. What Should I do? At the moment, I thought I should save their lives and put out the fire. Smokey Bear always taught me to put out a forest fire. Smokey Bear also said to not burn plastic. However, Smokey Bear was not a good Jew. He didn't know Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. And he didn't understand how important an uncontained fire is to help one connect with Gd. I put down my groceries. I went to join in more fire parties. I was not a bystander anymore. Once I noticed the police joining in, I became an accomplice. An accomplice supported by the cops. Is this legal? They were doing it for tradition. Hence, it is OK. Only in Israel do cops let you do things that could be illegal and unsafe if you are celebrating a holiday. On Sukkot, they let you run through the streets holding a sharp spear looking palm branch, facing out. Why? Because it is tradition. And the cops in Israel know that if it is tradition, it is safe. What a beautiful country. In America, when you do something dangerous, the police make you stop. However, in Yerushalayim, they know what a Mitzvah is. More Lessons I learned the tradition of fires and kids running around them with bows and arrows. Some kids were running with knives facing out. That wasn't a tradition, but it was also dangerous. So, it represented the Emunah that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai had. What a beautiful Mitzvah?! I turned around and my groceries were gone. The kids burned them. Bag too. Follow-up Notes At one point I saw a kid burning wood. I believe he ran out of plastic. The following year I stood by my door. A kid tried to take it. I told him it belongs to my house. To help with his fire, I gave him a microwave that had broke. One of the people told me that the fire was for Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Yahrzeit. Though I had lit a Yahrzeit candle before, I have a ways to go in my Emunah. I still don't feel comfortable lighting a bonfire on my kitchen counter. Next year, we'll talk about my trip up north and how I made it to Mairon following fires. Tags:
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Lag BOmer Haircut Styles5/4/2023 
Must be an Upsherin... This is why I don't trust rebbes with haircuts. Every time the kid's hair is long and beautiful. Then after the rebbe cuts it, it's all the sudden short and shapeless... You can see the Hatzalah guy in the background, just in case the kid cries. I cried when I got a Number 2.
From Pesach to Lag BOmer, the thirty-third day of the Omer count, it is a custom to be in partial mourning. For this reason, people do not get haircuts, and many do not shave. Now, after the five weeks of no cutting from Pesach till Lag Bomer, for many Jews it is male haircut and shaving season. These are the shaving and cutting traditions and styles of Lag Bomer that you will see.
Please know, we will focus on men, as women get haircuts that look good. The Number 2 This style is popular in Israel. The haircut is done by a barber who takes clippers and runs them over your head. After sitting there for a minute, the barber is done. The barber then makes it look professional by brushing the hair off the apron, and charges you twenty dollars. The first time I got the Number 2, upon my Aliyah (move to Israel), I was crying. I told him, 'Number 2 is not a style.' I was wrong. The barber that cut my hair said it was. The barber then took the mirror and showed me the back of my head. He wanted to see me cry more. As I left the barber shop, tears flowing down my face, I noticed a whole neighborhood of other people with shapeless hair. So, I know it is a Lag BOmer style. Possibly created in fear that there will be more mourning and months without haircuts. Some of the others might have got the Number 1. I am not sure. The Number 6 When the barber puts clippers to your hair on the number six setting and cuts nothing off your head. The Number 6 is an Israeli hairstyle, similar to the Number 2 hairdo. With the Number 6 though, the barber doesn't ruin your previous haircut.. The Grow Long You do not get a haircut. This is a good money saving hairstyle. The Grow Long is for people who got used to not cutting or shaving, embracing the new lifestyle of relaxation and unemployment. The Grow Long doesn’t work for balding men, like myself. That turns into the Ben Gurion look. And that leads to unemployment too. Messy Hair Started with Party of Five, this look has caught on amongst the young generation who doesn’t tuck in their shirts, shine their shoes, or have aspirations. Due to Bitul Torah (time not spent learning Torah), this doo has become quite popular. The Do It Yourself This is also similar to the Number 2, just that the hairline on the back of the neck is crooked. I started doing this after I got a Number 2. I figured that I had the ability to move something from one side of my scalp to the other and charge for it. The Head Covering Look The big Kippah look is something you will see at this time of year. Many people get carried away with the shave cut, especially with the Do It Yourself. For this reason, and the Grow Long Gurion look, Kippahs become bigger. The baseball hat look is also very popular at this time of year, right after the haircuts. The Side Shave 2 The side gets cut, but nothing is done to the top. This style started when a barber got lazy, put down the clippers and said, 'That’s enough…I’ve been working too hard.' At that point, when half the job was done and all the hair on top was still there, the barber told the person in the chair, 'This is the new style.' Now all the kids are doing it, calling it the Fade. For those who don’t know, saying 'that is the new style' is how all new styles start. Got to leave the 2 on the clippers for the Payot (sideburns). You can make the religious look sound cool by telling people, 'It is the I got the haircut three weeks ago Fade look.' The Step That went out in the 1980s. Yet, it comes back every year at Lag BOmer. The Step was a mistake. Similar to the Side Shave, the barber however doesn’t take the time to fix the error of undercutting the guy’s hair. The Bald This is the look that Ashkenazik men above the age of forty go for. Though it is popular, the Male Hair Bun and Beard will not be seen when people go for their Lag BOmer shave. If anybody is going for the hair bun or Herzl look, this article is not relevant. Just let the hair grow and embrace heresy. Tags:
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Announcements
As a community, the post holiday dieting didn’t work. It is clear that the community has kept on it's Pesach pounds, or clothes have gotten a light tighter. Not eating Matzah is not considered a diet. The rabbi wanted people to know that you can get heavy off of bread as well. The community is working on a kosher restaurant. All fear that nobody will want to go, as members of our shul will go. We understand your fear of having to have a conversation about Rivka's kids when getting a corned beef sandwich. Don't worry, we will make sure it is a deli. This will chase away Jews who only eat at Texas style smokehouses nowadays. The Beckers are scared to reopen the kosher restaurant, as Jews might come. We ask the Hirshmanns to notify the Beckers they will not eat there. We all know how annoying the Hirshmanns can be as customers, always asking for the vegan option. Since Pesach, it's been taking too long for people to walk up for their Aliyahs. The rabbi has required mandatory Pilates classes. If you don't attend Pilates classes, you will not receive an honor at shul. The rabbi has also made it clear that there will be no Kibudim for people who need to push themselves up from their seats with their armrests. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 6:29) '...in the seventh month, on the tenth of the month, you shall afflict your souls'... Yom Kippur Bernie. You afflict on Yom Kippur. You don't afflict me now... I know Rosh Hashana is the beginning of the year, but it's in the seventh month... Yes. And days start at night. This is logic. I feel like I am being afflicted by a bunch of heathens who think days start at dawn. It doesn't say to afflict your rabbi... What is affliction? Finally a decent question. Affliction is when a congregant comes to your office and starts telling you about their family. Abstention from food and drink (Yoma 74b). That is the affliction we speak of on Yom Kippur. Seeing how you all ate on Pesach, I believe our community understands this... You lose weight by fasting. After Rosh Hashana you don't eat. After all the brisket you take down... Stop eating. That's how you lose weight. It's in the Torah... Working out happens after Yom Kuppur. I am sure the Kohens worked out to help the Kohen Gadol with the Yom Kuppur service... They did Pilates. You need a strong core to sacrifice. You need a strong core for Aliyas as well... Shlomo. We waiting five minutes for you to get up to the Bima after you got back from the Pesach hotel. You afflicted the congregation with your out of shapedness. Just watching you get up from your chair was an affliction. It’s spring. Summer is around the corner. This is the only community that is fine being out of shape… No. Swimsuits are Asur. At least try. Try to get in shape. Maybe tuck in a shirt at least... It makes you look thinner. (Vayikra 17:4) Sacrifices had to be done in the Temple. Outside of the Temple they get cut off... No. You are just skipping Minyin. The Yom Kippur service is about tradition. Kosher restaurants are about tradition... No. There will be no salad bar... There is no brisket in salad, Michelle. If you can make a brisket salad, I will think about allowing a salad bar. It will be a deli. Since when have Jews abandoned tradition and stopped eating in delis?! Texas style smokehouses are not tradition… Even if it’s corned beef. Smokehouses are not Jewish. It’s going to be called Beckers Deli because the Beckers own it… The Hirshmanns are very annoying. And Rivka, you scare people away. You’re lovely, but nobody goes to Marshall’s anymore. They fear they will have to have a conversation with you about your grandchild’s last Simcha... I am sorry they didn't have a vegan option Mr. Hirshmann. It was a smokehouse. What are they supposed to smoke? Lettuce?! This is going to be a deli, and I for one believe in tradition. There will be no kosher deli with a vegan option in this town. It's about not sinning. It's about not turning delis into smokehouses... Not everything is about a healthy diet, Bernie. Treat people well. Don't talk Lashon Hara. Don't hate in your heart. Don't bear a grudge... Love your neighbor as you (19:18)... It ends with 'I am H".' When you understand Gd's oneness, you understand the connection with your neighbor. And you encourage them to lose weight after Pesach. And you encourage them to keep our traditions and to eat in delis. You look at the Hershanns and you realize how much you've messed up. Yes. And follow other Mitzvot, unlike Michelle who still can't get over the lack of salad bars. If you mess up, you bring an offering... You bring it to the Beis Hamikdash. There is no Temple nowadays... The only part of the Torah you are keeping is the messing up... Well there is a lot of hatred here. I understand it's hard to love your neighbor when it is the Hershmanns. Rivka’s Rundown I do talk about my kids a lot. I like to spread my Nachis. If it keeps them out of Marshall's I'm fine with that. I don't need competition at the clearance rack. And some of the members of our community take number tags into the dressing room in the late teen numbers. I've seen it. I once saw a twenty-two card go in with... I won't say the name. I'm not a talebearer. Nobody liked the idea of a post Pesach fast. The congregation voted and they're happy to wait till the Seventeenth of Tamuz and Tisha BAv. The board discussed it, and they will plan to lose their fifteen pounds on those two days. When the rabbi mentioned working out, the congregants didn't like that either. Pilates classes were not attended. Nor was Minyin. Though, people did show up for Kiddish after Pesach. The deli is a place Jews can get heavy too. Once that came out that the Kosher deli will have traditional fat, everybody was into it. I feel that our Jewish community is antisemitic. Expressing that you won’t open a kosher restaurant in fear that Jews will show sounds to be a bit of Jew hatred by Jews. Maybe I'm wrong in my assessment. It might just be that they don't like a lot of people, and they all happen to be Jews. I understand the Hirshmanns are annoying and I talk about my kids, but that is what the deli is about. You sit at your table after you go to the other tables to say ‘Hi.’ At the smokehouse, nobody ever greeted anybody. You just came and enjoyed your food. No Jew wants that. That’s not what a deli is about. Matzah ball soup is about a discussion. It's served with a long long conversation. The smokehouse closed with COVID. Since then, it's been hard to be a Jew in Topeka. I think that is why all the people that went away for Pesach ate so much. They realized they would have to cook at home when they got back. And that's almost as scary as cleaning. To my amazement, even the vegans were fine with no kosher option at the deli. They said that they are against killing tradition and animals. Why the rabbi had to tell people they can get heavy off bread?! I am glad the rabbi banned swimsuits. If people wore swimsuits in our congregation, things would be different. We would lose a large portion of our membership. Tags:
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Jews cleared their throats when they were told they had to donate a half Shekel. They heard Kofer Nafsho. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kofer Nafsho. An atonement for the body or soul (you can define Nefesh as you would like- if you're spiritual you can call it 'soul'). The atonement was a half a shekel. They mistook Kofer for cougher. Coughing for the soul... Coughing a lot should be an atonement. All the Dayanim are getting together to form their own social network: Link Din (Mordechai) You get it? Dayanim are judges. Din is judgement. Linkedin is a social network. This is Link Din. Where judges network. Why are there different kinds of sacrifices? Because they needed to be brought to an altar. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Altar. Alter. Change. Different word. Alterations if the offering had clothes. They might have needed to hem the pants for Gd. Our Israeli guests left our Seder. They were offended when we said 'Tzei uLmad.' (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Tzei means 'go' or 'go out.' You would be offended, if you knew Hebrew and were told to get out and learn. To tell that to people as one of the first things when they come to your home, it's a Chutzpah, even if it's part of the Haggadah. It's better to not understand. Lmad means 'learn.' What kind of Chametz can you eat on a Pesach trip? Karpas. (Mordechai) You get it? Karpas is part of the Seder. Kar is car. Pas means bread. We would say Pat, but that wouldn't work and Frum Jews wouldn't be able to share the pun. Pesach is over, but you can use it next year. This pun will work next Passover. Trust us. A crowd pleaser. Who do you call in the spring? You call your friend in in Tel-Aviv. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Tel, telephone. Aviv is spring in Hebrew. That was for Yom HaAtzmaut. Substitute phone with Aviv. It works. The Kibbitzer. Your place for bilingual puns. We'll work in French soon. Yom Kippur Davening took twelve hours. The Chazin was told to fast. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? It's a fast. He thought they were saying to slow down. The Chazin mistook the word 'to' for 'too.' If they would've spelled it, he might have understood. Tags:
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The Jewish Deli I Love - An Ode4/27/2023 
And Jews want to eat smoked meat nowadays?! That is how Jews used to smoke. (Photo: Library of Congress)
The deli is American Jewish tradition. In American Jewish tradition, all Jews come from Europe. That’s the only place Jews come from. Deli is the only true Jewish food. Even turkey-pastrami has a certain amount of guilt that it feels from the time it was cut from the body and cured.
Ever since Jewish life opened to other countries, people started eating falafel and shwarma, and wraps. Now there are smokehouses, threatening the existence of delis. Shame on the Jewish people, giving up salt for smoke. When I went to New York to find they were serving sushi at what was my favorite deli, I knew Jewish life was ruined forever. Now nothing is Jewish anymore. I am here to remind you some of the reasons why we, American born Jews of tradition, love the deli. The Smell It's as close a smell as you can get to socks that have been through a marathon in the rain and then ran in again, and then left in the room with the windows down. Yet, it still smells so good. It is the closest you can get to a stench that is unbearable, and yet it's so appetizing. Which makes me ask why I still do laundry. It Is Jewish Every deli reminds a Jew of the Lower East Side. Jews came from Europe and this is the food they took on the ship with them. The pickling connects us to that tradition, as any pickling process done right can keep the food fresh for well over a century. That is where the deli smell is from; Europe, a hundred years ago. Salami That Hangs Salami doesn’t smell that bad. But you leave it hanging for two years, something is going to come of that. Pictures of Random Immigrants A picture of a guy pushing a wagon in the Lower East Side of New York, in the early 1920s, that every deli owner is related to. And then another picture of a guy standing behind a counter, whose face we can barely see behind the hanging salami. These two pictures unite every deli. Whoever the ancestor in that picture is that every person who opens a deli is related to, it is tradition. I love it. The Tiled Floor A restaurant that smells pickled, with a checkered floor that looks like a 1950s washroom. Décor does not get better than that. Love it. Carpet that Hasn’t Been Cleaned If you don’t have the bathroom tiles, it’s decked out in speckled red and blue carpet that looks maroon. This way, we cannot tell how much kishka, stuffed-derma, gravy has spilled on it. I love the thriftiness of not needing somebody to clean the place. I love the smell of hanging salami and cured beef brought from Europe in 1910. I love pictures of random immigrants from Time Magazine that look like family. There is more to this Ode. I will continue next week with more to love, like Batampte pickles and Mother's, a brand that is named after my mom. Tags:
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Announcements
The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will not be attended, as we are scared of anti-Semites. We will share our love and pride of Israel in our homes, watching Shark Tank. This Wednesday, the Federation will host a Yom HaAtzmaut march on Zoom. People will be able to march on screen. If you have a green screen, make it look like there's a moving background, for solidarity-sake. We will celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut at shul with falafel, as that is why our great Home Land was founded. All kids are asked to wear blue pants and white shirts, so they can stain their shirts easier. Please work on your Hebrew accents. Your Americanized Hebrew accent is starting to bother everybody. This is for Sandra. Please, either speak in English, or learn how to speak Hebrew normally. For Rosh Chodesh it would be nice to see you in shul. Maybe repent for a day before you stop coming again. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 13:31) '...the Kohen quarantines him for seven days'... Kohens quarantine. Our Kohens can't even do the Duchening right... Duchening is the blessing. You're supposed to bless us Bill. Your cup your hands. It looks like you're begging for money... I look, because you're not Duchening. It's not a Bracha. Not with fingers like that. Why do we not quarantine more?! If nobody saw Bernie for seven days, this would be a happy congregation... Mike wasn't quarantined, he was binge watching Shark Tank. That's why he wasn't at shul all week. Tzaras, Baheret. A very pale congregation. I don't know what caused it- if it's Lashon Hara or lack of sun... Other people talk Lashon Hara about how pale you are. A pale, out of shape congregation with no personality. I don't know what the Kohen has on his hands. It's just messed up Duchening. He doesn't know how to split fingers right... Sometimes for another seven days. I think we should quarantine congregants for fourteen days... No. Just for being annoying. I know it won't help with the paleness, but at least we won't have to see them. You talk Lashon Hara. Do we need a Baheret to tell us you talk about other people? We have Kiddish to prove that to us... All you do is talk Lashon Hara at the vegetable platter. Quarantine the Kohens. They do such a bad job at the Bracha, I don't even think H' understands their 'Yivarechecha...' Nobody has any idea what you're saying. All we do is talk Lashon Hara about it and look pale. Quarantine Sandra until she learns to speak Hebrew in a way that doesn’t bother everybody... The Yom HaAtzut committee are the only people in this city that know how to quarantine... You told people not to come to your event. You told them to quarantine for the march. Scared of anti-Semites, so you tell people to make falafel at home... You can't have a Zoom parade. There is no pride in a Zoom parade. Did you see yourself marching in your house?! You look like fools. And you should've cleaned the place... Can you become clean? Good question. Not the way our congregants are unkempt... (13:34) '...the Kohen shall pronounce he (the contaminated one) is clean and he shall wash his clothes and he shall become clean.' The word for clean here is 'pure,' Tahor. Our Kohen doesn't even know how to say pure in Hebrew. You are not just pure if you are not clean. If you come to shul with un-laundered Shabbis clothes, you might as well speak Lashon Hara. You're not clean. You're not pure and you are still pale... Nothing to do with Tzaraas. Just very white. Maybe sunburned... Clean yourselves for crying out loud. You have to do something for purity... I don't know if the shul isn't pure. I can tell you that nobody has vacuumed the hallways since Rosh Hashana. And you can't celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut with impure hallways. At least clean your home for Yom HaAtzmaut… The whole shul is going to see it on Zoom... I can't stand that we have to see the people that are supposed to be quarantined on a group chat. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi started checking to people to see if they smelled of Dial or Zest. If they did not, the rabbi quarantined them and put them in the not good smelling section of the shul. Many of the members are pale and out of shape. Everybody talks Lashon Hara about that. The Kohens are off. Messed up finger placement. One of them seems to point his finger, like he's reprimanding us. The rabbi tried showing Star Trek, but the Kohens had no idea why the rabbi was making them watch it. The Yom HaAtzmaut on Zoom was messed up. More messed up than Bill's Duchening. They were literally marching in their living room. With pride. Pathetic. I think the Finkelsteins were marching in St. Petersburg. Why? I have no idea. It was what was on the moving screen in their living room. It was like Minyin. A Zoom Minyin. Something you can't do. I think they served nonKosher at the Yom HaAtzmaut BBQ. How do you even find non-Kohsher falafel? You have to try. Sandra has been trying to talk Hebrew. She has a very strong American ‘R’ and she over-pronounces the ‘Ah’s. Very annoying. She should be quarantined for talking Hebrew. Tags:
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXI4/23/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.
That is how the punchline of a Jewish joke should look. Like you're questioning something, dealing with serious stomach issues, or giving a sermon.
I knew Pesach was coming when... I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise. And that is the sale price… Any Pesach food less than eighty dollars is a deal... There must be Matzah in the mayonnaise.
The fridge is full again, and it all cost less than a pound of Matzah.
No need for a car. Supermarket carts in Israel only cost ten shekels. Put 10nis in the cart and it's yours. And it fits the groceries perfectly... The carts are the best deal at Shufersal. Better than their sales on drinks and nuts.
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He offers you that ball. Take it and run. That ball with Tahini on top is money.
Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel. Never Purchase Falafel Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me. Stick to Pita I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel. Do Not Ask for Falafel They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns. If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out. And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita. Purchase Half a Pita If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day. Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well. You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it. The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick. Stand By the Salads- The Salatim First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money. Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability. Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living. Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shemini4/16/2023
Announcements
Due to the heretics at the bakery, the rabbi said you can't buy from them till October. By that time, we're praying the Jews of our community will have bought the bakery's Chametz. We're ending Pesach with a four dayer. Another day of Matzah. I don't know what sins you did to deserve this. Shabbat is one more day of Pesach. No Kosher Jews will have Challah by that time, especially with Heiminstein's Heretical Baked Goods. Eating Matzah means another day. The fire at the shul was not an act of anti-Semitism. It was an act of members doing something. The Biyur Chametz fire was too large. We now have to repaint the outside of the shul. We ask people not make fires on shul property, even if they are doing a Mitzvah. We ask fires should be contained on shul property. Not just in a forest. Even if we believe in H' the One who made fire. General request from the board: We ask members not help. Due to the annoyance of most of the membership, and the rabbi not wanting to see them at shul, we're adding another three weeks to Pesach. The rabbi ordered it. He called the hotels. They will take you back for another thirty thousand dollars. It's a deal and it will make the rabbi happy. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 9:21) It says, 'As Moshe commanded.' Aaron did as Moshe said. It's good to have people who listen to you... Because then you don't mess up everything. Sometimes, you listen to your leaders... Why? So, that you don't mess up everything, like burning down the shul's social hall... I told you to not help. If the bakery would've listened, they would have sold the Chametz and they would've purchased Di Paolo bread and called it Challah... It tastes better than Heimenstein's Heretical bulkies. This is the beginning of the priestly service. The consecration. Celebrate beginnings. It is from here that all other services will happen... We didn't celebrate the beginning of the new shul president, because he's annoying. They sacrificed. They didn't burn down a tree... I know you were making a fire to burn Chametz. You burned down the shul's awning, the social hall, the... Self-hating Jews... We almost lost the shul due to your Pesach zealotry... Moshe didn't tell Aaron to burn down a forest. You were burning Chametz. How much wood do you need to burn Chametz?... Somebody else is going to the Lag BOmer bonfire... They were sacrifices. Moshe didn’t tell Aaron to burn down the Temple. Due to Aaron's doing this the right way, they were able to bless the people. You can't bless the people when you have no bread and the shul is burnt... It's called anti-Semitism Bernie. Your burning of the Chametz was antisemitic... After he did the services of the offerings, (Vayikra 9:22) Aaron raised his hands towards the people and he blessed them. They were able to raise their hands and leave the tent of meeting because they didn’t burn everything… We can’t use the back door to the shul now You’re not a Boy Scout. You’re a shul member. Your practicing Mitzvot is dangerous. The time you spilled the grape juice… Yes. They slipped. You didn’t clean it. The time you backed out of your parking spot. The time you approached the Kiddish table with reckless abandon... You doing anything is dangerous. The way you sit. You plop down. You broke Tzachi's arm by sitting next to him... The time your nephew visited, junior congregation was dangerous... (Vayikra 9:23) Then Aaron and Moshe come out of the tent of meeting and they bless the people 'and the glory of H' appeared to the entire people.' After stuff is done correctly, the way Moshe said to do it, the way H' wants it, H' can join in the blessing. H's glory is present... Not here. Not when you burned down the place. There is no blessing at Heimenstein's Heretical Bakery. The bakery made the worst Challah this Shabbis. And it wasn't kosher... I just know it wasn't good. The service was messed up too. You don't call numbers that fast. You don't say '202, 20...204.' They don't give you time to get to the display. Especially when Sadie is telling you about the grandchildren. The bakery’s Challah is anti-Semitic… Two days with one day break is a four day Chag. Especially when the bakery doesn't sell Di Paolo… Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi made it clear that the kosher bakery was anti-Semitic. Thanks to the rabbi, their business skyrocketed after the Chag. Everybody wanted to buy Chametzdik from anti-Semites. That’s a Jewish Chavaya. Kiddish was held in the back of the chapel. They're still fixing up the social hall after the Biyur Chametz fire. They'll be talking about the Biyur Chametz fire for years. We had a special prayer service for the insurance company to cover the damages. 'Burning of Chametz' was not written into the insurance plan. Though, natural disaster is in our plan. That should include congregants. Baruch truly is dangerous. Everything he does is a danger to the shul. Especially the way he parks. He takes up two spots. The bakery truly makes bad Challah. The rabbi calls it Heimenstein's Heretical Bakery, as only heretics can make that bad of Challah. The rabbi explained the following week that the Challah wasn't Chametz, as it wasn't 'Raui'i LAchilas Kelev' (not fit for a dog to eat it). Truth is the whole end of the sermon was confusing to me. The rabbi should've just said their stuff is worse than Entenmann's. The rabbi said they didn't sell their Chametz. I can't imagine they didn't sell it. I think he just doesn't like their babka and Danish, and can't imagine that any sale they make is legitimate. Why we have a Kosher bakery that can’t make Challah baffles me. And they truly don't give you enough time. You can only make it if you're the third number called in a sequence. Otherwise, you've got to take another number and pray you're at the window on time. I once missed candle lighting, trying to get a bulkie. Tags:
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The hotel Pesach Seder in booth, for the authentic exodus experience for two. (Photo: Totally Jewish Travel)
This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.
How was the hotel? Expensive. How did you afford it? I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now. How much was it? Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace. How was the hotel? It wasn't our home. That was good. Did you do anything on vacation? We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home. You hate your home that much? When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital. How's your wife doing now? She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery. What else did you do at the resort? I ate. Did they have other activities? Yeah. A buffet. You seem a lot bigger. Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand. What did you eat? Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way. Sounds like you were on a mission. I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries. Your kids also got bigger. I made them eat lamb chops. Breakfast? Lamb chops. One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too. How were the Seders? The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice. How about yours? Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs. But yours... Your Seder? We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud. We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet. They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat. Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach? We won't stay home. What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel? Another mortgage. We're up to three now. What are the three mortgages for? Pesach hotels. Anything else? No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean. Was it a nice hotel at least? It was a motel. Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel? They cleaned it Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel? It was forty-five thousand dollars. Conclusion People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep. As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood. Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him. Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon. Tags:
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To feel more religious, you want to look down on other people.
You're only as religious as the other person you can make fun of. You can only be religious if you can say that someone else is not. Here are things you can say to help yourself feel more religious. Look at them. They only had twenty-five guests at their Seder. Apikorsim. His Tefillin are so small. Probably got them from his Zaidy. My Tefillin are huge and meaningful. I would never trust his Hashgacha. They can't even make a Kugel. They Daven there. I would never go to that shul. Heretics. I don't think I saw a Hadassah Cookbook in their home. Not Jewish. Don't trust them. They ate at the Helmowitz family. I would never eat there. Their kids don't even close their eyes for the Shemonah Esrei. They call the Shabbis Shemonah Esrei the Amidah. So not Frum. I saw him at the butcher. Didn't even buy chopped liver for Shabbis. Are they even Jewish?! They were walking around the block. I heard him say he was exercising. I told you, you shouldn't count him for a Minyin. Nope. Didn't even call it a Shpatzir. Called it exercise. A Busha. I think I even heard him say he was 'watching himself.' He said 'Shabbat Shalom.' He's not even Jewish. Have a Good Shabbis. They only got two calendars for Rosh Hashana. Even the Federation doesn't think their Jewish. And they think everybody is Jewish. Chabad definitely doesn't trust them. Her Shaytel. It's a Shanda. They went down to New York and didn't even go to Brooklyn. I heard they went to the Bronx. Are there even Jews there. They've never even been to Monsey. I heard they go to Israel for the Yom Tovim. Jews don't do that. I overheard them say 'Chagim.' If they get an Aliyah, I'm leaving this shul. They didn't even go to a hotel for Pesach. If they eat in their home on Pesach they're Apikorsim. I told you. The called it the Poconos. Who calls it the Poconos? It's The Mountains. Nope. Didn't even call it the Catskills. During Chol Hamoed, they didn't go to the zoo. They call them soup nuts, not Mandelin. Are they even Jewish. Maybe they're Israeli. Either way, I'm don't trust their Hashgacha. He was wearing the same pants at the end of the holiday he was wearing when it started. Did he even keep the holiday?! Didn't even put on weight. A Shanda. He probably ate nothing. A heretic. I'm four sizes up right now, because I'm Jewish. They don't even know what a Charles Tyrwhitt shirt is. Apikorsim. I heard their kids don't even go to summer camp. No idea what they do for the summer. They're definitely not Jewish for the summer. Only pulls in five figures. I told you they're not Jewish. You need six figures just to send your kids to day school. Kosher? They definitely don't keep kosher. Always say, 'I would never eat at their house.' All statements of belittlement should end with that. It will help you feel more religious. Tags:
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Announcements
We still have a Minyin this Shabbis. People have not left to their Pesach hotels yet. We will be looking forward to Pesach without the members at the shul. The shul is hosting a Matzah sale on Monday. Shmurah Matzah will be sold at a discount, for eighty-nine dollars a pound. A dropbox for Pesach food will be at the shul. If anybody finds anything that is not marked up a Pesach 300 percent, please bring it. Shiva hours at the Piskobeck house will be from 9:30 to 11am. They will also take a break for breakfast at 10:15am. They don't want anybody visiting. Seder preparation class will take place for those who don't clean their homes for Passover and have a lot of free time, as they don't keep the Mitzvot of the Torah. All complaints may be directed to the shul president. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mitzvot never end... I know you don't want to keep Mitzvot. You haven't even cleaned your home for Passover. And you like to talk Lashon Hara... We keep Mitzvot all the time. Tukad Bo all night... That doesn't mean to stay up all night and drink... Doesn't mean to go out gambling all night. (Vayikra 6:1) H' tells Moshe, 'Command Aaron and his sons saying "This is the law of the elevation offering.. on the flame, on the Altar, all night, until the morning, and the fire shall be kept aflame on it..."' Sometimes you must remind people you're talking about the elevation offering. They might think you're talking about the meal offering... Everybody loves meals Bernie. Why I have to explain this???!!!! Always needing to explain... Well. We're talking about the elevation offering right now. And you're not even a Kohen. I have to explain everything to you people You need to command people to do things constantly... Even when you commanded them before. Has anybody showed up to Minyin in the past week?! Exactly. I will command again... All night. Mitzvot are kept all night too. They're not just daytime Torah laws... We're not talking about Tzitzit right now... Yes. Shabbat starts at night. You're not supposed to drive Friday night either... 'Kept aflame on it...' We all have addictions. What is that thing you need to do constantly... Serve H' constantly. The problem is your addiction is gambling. There is no commandment in the Torah to play Black Jack for Gd all night... Should we cancel shul?... I understand it's hard to clean. Before Pesach, you should be addicted to cleaning... I will call you nightly to tell you to clean. Even if you have to stay up all night... You gamble all night. Maybe we should burn your house... Not as an act of anti-Semitism. So you can keep the laws of Pesach. Keeping it aflame... Shiva is important... You don't do it for an hour and a half... You didn't even do seven hours. It's Shiva. Seven days... OK. Six. Did you do any of it?... An hour and a half with a coffee break is not Shiva. Going out drinking to toast them is not Shiva... I understand it's the popular thing to do. Do it after the year... Yes. A year. You don't stop caring about a person when they stop giving you allowance... The shul should always be cleaned. The shul should always be Kosher. Tukad Bo All Night. We are going to be cleaning the shul after Shabbat. All who would like to volunteer, may they come and volunteer... Rivka’s Rundown The idea of keeping the Mitzvot at night too shocked the congregation. Discussion groups were had all week about what to do at the bars at night. People were now talking about possibly showing up to shul for Mariv. It was a revelation to hear that you shouldn't go out partying after Kiddush on Friday night. That was most of the members' tradition. The concept of staying at home and drinking was discussed. When somebody mentioned the idea of Oneg Shabbat, people started going back to the bars, saying, 'We delight more with live music.' There were members that took the idea of singing Shabbat Zmirot. Those members started keeping the Shabbat Mitzvot on Friday night. They were the Baalei Teshuva. The other members didn't even keep Shabbat during the day. This made it confusing to me; trying to figure out why Friday night was now a discussion when they refused to not drive on Saturday. I believe they wanted to think they were doing the right thing on Friday night at least. Nobody showed up to clean the shul. The rabbi even referenced the all who are poor may they come and eat. Nobody got that reference. They just didn’t want to come and help clean. If the rabbi would’ve said ‘all who are hungry come to shul on Monday and eat,’ people would’ve come. The rabbi said to come and help. No poor people would show up to the Seder to help clean. There is no commandment of that. Poor people show up. 'All who are hungry, may they come and not help, and just enjoy themselves while I slave on the brisket.' Nobody showed up to the Piskobeck Shiva. They didn't want it, and everybody was relived they didn't have to be there. Those new 'make your own Shiva times' are hard for people. One family started a Shiva group on Instagram. They felt so popular when people who liked their parents joined. They posted, 'We will be open for Shiva after we get some decent sleep' with a picture of them at a disco, celebrating Shiva. The six days and then Pesach stuff cutting off some of Shiva makes it all confusing. Though, the Piskobecks were fine with it. They were only open for an hour and a half. Due to the rabbi's sermon, the board decided to host a casino night. People are still talking about cleaning. They’re having flashbacks. Though many have still not cleaned. I believe Chani saw a broom and ran, yelling, 'I'm being attacked.' The Matzah sale drew thousands. People couldn’t believe they found a pound of Matzah for less than a hundred-twenty dollars. Our shul is the only place that can have a class before Pesach, about worrying about cleaning. These people love classes. They love hearing somebody talk about commandments they won’t do. People didn’t show to shul. We know they didn’t leave for their Pesach hotels yet. Even so, they didn't show up to shul. They were worried the rabbi would ask them to help at the shul, being they're not cleaning their homes. It turns out, they were at the gym, preparing for the buffets. They felt that was part of the Mitzvah of preparing for the Chag and getting rid of Chametz. Tags:
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I Knew Pesach Was Here When4/1/2023 
Here goes one of those lists. I knew Pesach was here when...
I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise. I had to pay $3 for Coke. Nobody was at shul. We had Davening, but nobody showed. People went to hotels and were willing to spend 30k to not have to clean their house. My cousins came and didn't help us clean. I started worrying about starving. I found out about potato starch and stopped worrying. I hadn't slept for a week and my house still wasn't clean, even when my cousin showed up with her kids. My cousin saw me cleaning and didn't offer to help. I saw people running on the street wildly screaming 'we have to clean.' We sold our Chametz, but have no idea who we sold it to. A random guy knocked on our door and said we have his food. I shot the guy. I was excited to find baked goods for less than twenty dollars. I bought a Costco membership to save thirty dollars on Matzah and ten dollars on chocolate covered almonds. I prepared so hard for a meal and fell asleep in the middle of it. I had to purchase more Haggadahs, as another fifty rabbis wrote Haggadahs over the year. My house was finally a bit clean. I still wasn't able to find anything. We pulled out our best china dishes, and realized we use plastic the rest of the year. But for the eight days, we have really nice plates. We're classy. Everybody was fighting. Meat ended up costing more, and the butcher said it was Pesach. I didn't understand what the difference was with Kosher for Pesach meat. I questioned how the cost of meat went up. I told the kids they have to clean the windows. My kids asked how that has to do with Pesach. I told the kids 'It's Pesach,' and that was my reasoning. I then told them the lawn had to be mowed for Pesach. I was happy the windows finally got cleaned. I asked my husband why we don't have a cleaning person like everybody. My kids asked a lot of questions and I couldn't tell them to stop asking questions. I told them that the only time they're allowed to ask questions is the Seder. I was trying to figure out why there's no annoying son. During the rest of the year we don't encourage questions. The kids started running around the house with their food. I threw out my laptop, just in case. My husband didn't help. I needed more tinfoil. Five rolls of tinfoil does not cover the house. When it came to the Seder, he took a lot of credit. He even called himself the head of the Seder. My fingers were full of cuts. I learned cleaning is dangerous. I was called a heretic for only staying up till 3am. I started liking desserts made with coconuts. I never liked those before. And I won't like them after Pesach. I was worried about having to put all the Pesach stuff away for eight days. I realized I like Shavuot more than Pesach. And we still went away. And for some reason, the in-laws couldn't have us for the first days, to make the whole Pesach thing easier on us. Tags:
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If you don't have every Shpritz, your home is not Kosher for Pesach.
It's the night before Pesach. You've cleaned the home. It’s fully Kosher for Passover. What do you do now?
Put Bread Around the House Now that you've cleaned the house for the past few months, and got rid of all leavened bread, it's time to hide ten small pieces of Challah around the house. You want them to be really small and very hard to find. If you find all the pieces, it's now time to prepare for the Seder. If you can't find the ten pieces of bread, clean again and celebrate Pesach Sheni. Many people don't find this tradition of hide-and-go-seek fun. It makes them very nervous. Watch The Ten Commandments The night before Passover, after you have found the bread crumbs you sprinkled around the house right after you cleaned the house of bread crumbs, it's important to keep with Jewish tradition of watching The Ten Commandments. It's a tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation, beginning all the way back in Flatbush. After watching The Ten Commandments it's time to clean more. Kasher Everything You cleaned, but you didn't clean enough. The kitchen is spotless, but it's still not clean enough for Pesach. You still have skin on your hands. It's now time to use more sink, stove and oven cleaner yet. Now, place your fingers in chemicals that burn through bone. This way you can cook with your hands on Pesach (don't do this- I don't want to get sued because sarcasm is not understood). After you've burned yourself with oven cleaner, pour boiling water everywhere and risk your life with a blowtorch to ensure your kitchen has no bread and your oven is broken. This way it will be impossible to cook Chametz. And that is Kosher for Passover. Yell at the Kids Yell at the kids for not helping. You didn’t want them to help, because they get in the way and set the table wrong. Not the point. You need to get out some of your frustration. This is your twelfth year in a row making the Seder, and you're still trying to figure out why your sister has yet to have hosted this thing. Cover Everything You've watched The Ten Commandments, yelled at the kids, cleaned the counters, Kashered them, risked your life with a blowtorch, taken out an eye with oven cleaner, and scarred one of your kids. Now it's time to pull out the tinfoil and the dishes. You can use plastic tablecloths to cover everything, however they're not shiny enough. A good Kosher for Pesach home should blind anybody who walks in and tries to eat. Any home not covered in tinfoil is not Kosher for Pesach. Any dish not covered in tinfoil is not a Passover dish. During each part of the process you should be Shpritzing. Shpritzing stuff doesn't stop after you've cleaned. Don't Sleep There is always more to clean. You missed something. If you're not worried, you definitely did not clean enough for Pesach and you're probably a heretic. Burn Eggs and Chicken Burn stuff. The food on Pesach is already painful on the stomach. You might as well burn it. Did you Purchase Everything? You're not worrying enough. Go back to the supermarket. You did not buy enough food for the week. Eight twenty pound roasts. Thirty pounds of Matzah. Seventy pounds of Kugel. One hundred and ninety pounds of Manischewitz cakes and macaroons. That will not feed the family and your sister for the week. Why macaroons are Jewish? Due to Pesach, we have evolved to a people who enjoy coconut balls. The only people that enjoy coconut pastries. Go Back To The Supermarket You should've bought more. There is still more kosher for Pesach wine at the supermarket. Purchase more tin and tinfoil. There is more brisket and you need more tinfoil to cover the living room. Now that you're ready and everything is prepared, yell at the kids and tell them to clean more. Give them spray. Shpritzing should still be happening. Now, fight with your spouse about not having enough money to pay for all the Pesach food, and feeling like idiots for spending fifteen dollars on mayonnaise. And now, call your sister to tell her how much you're looking forward to having her, with her in-laws tagging along, come right before the holiday, when everything is prepared. Next time we will talk about Seder table prep, Dvar Torah preparation and how to impress guests by keeping them till 3am with your thoughts on the rabbis' thoughts on the Haggadah. We will even delve into how to hold the attention of the children with Styrofoam hail and lice. We will also discuss how to return stuff after Passover without shame. In the meantime, you should be Shpritzing more oven cleaner and yelling at the kids. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Vayikra3/26/2023
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When the Gabai gives a quiet stare from the Bima, that means people should stop talking. We understand that it is hard to notice the Gabai in the midst of conversation. However, please be aware of the Gabai as it is very awkward for all of us. We all feel like we're in third grade and in trouble. Please be conscientious and take the blame. The longer the Gabai stands there, there more awkward it is. Pesach cleaning must be done. Rosh Chodesh Nisan has passed and that means you should worry. Fear should be your first thought. We are getting together to talk about Pinny. We are going to find him a Shidduch. Anybody with nieces or granddaughters, please help. Pinny needs our help. Seeing old single Pinny in shul is almost as awkward as the Gabai looking at me from the Bima. Matzah is now a hundred and fifty dollars a pound. We are going to be collecting Kimcha DPischa for all of our congregants. We understand that the Feinblooms are wealthy, yet they cannot afford Matzah. Last year they sold a building and it still wasn't enough to feed their family for the last days. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 1:1) 'And H' called to Moshe.' H' called. He wanted to speak to him. So, H' called him. How about from now on, I call you into my office when I want to speak to you. You don't pop into my office and say 'Hey rabbi...' I call in congregants I want to see... No. I don't want to speak to you during Torah reading. I don't want to get in trouble by the Gabai. I don't want him staring at me... Pinny needs help. I am fine talking about getting Pinny married... Pathetic. Why do I not want to talk to you? Because you complain. All you do is complain... I don't want your complaints. Though, I do know Matzah is way too expensive. I agree... As Rashi teaches, 'Called... an expression of affection.' When was the last time you called your mom?!... We're talking about calling here. To call. Not to send a 'hello.' We're talking about picking up a phone and calling. Not an email... Called up to the Torah... The Gabai only calls the people he likes... Well. Shmuli deserves an Aliyah, even though he's not your buddy... The Gabai doesn't like you. It's clear. He called you up for Anim Zmirot... H' then tells Moshe how the people have to bring their offerings... There is no affection if you bring Karbanot messed up. H' doesn't want messed up offerings. He doesn't call us for that. If you don't do your part. If you don't clean your house for Pesach… If you give a messed up donation of eighteen dollars to the shul. H' doesn't want... Nobody wants eighteen dollars. I am going to start sending the Gabai to people's homes with the eighteen dollar check in hand, to stand at the door and stare at you... Yes. It's a disappointment. And as for Bar Mitzvah gifts... It makes the Bar Mitzvah boys cry... A donation in honor of who? Whose life are you saving for eighteen dollars?! Do you know how many more congregants we need to pay my contract at eighteen dollars?!... Would H' accept an eighteen dollar sacrifice?! No. Because at eighteen dollars you're sacrificing nothing. H' wouldn't call for that... The Machatzit HaShekel was different. It's a different currency... The Gabai put his hand on Bima… You don’t continue when his hand is there and he’s staring at the shul. Are you even a Chazin?!... It’s not about you Pinny. We all feel like failures when he looks at us. We all feel like Pinnys… Why? Because you’re not married. You can’t be happy… Because you’re not married… I didn’t say marriage was the way to happiness. Just that you’re not married. Are you even cleaning for Pesach… No. You can’t clean on Shabbis. Why do you think Frum homes are not clean… That’s why I don’t eat in your homes. They’re too clean. Cleaning is not the sacrifice. We need to sacrifice for Pinny. He needs our help. Pathetic... Let's chip in to pay for Pinny to go on a date... Eighteen dollars is not enough!!! Rivka’s Rundown Finally, somebody stood up to the eighteen dollar Chai donations. Finally. It took our rabbi. He even said he would leave the shul with one more eighteen dollar donation, in fear that the shul would go bankrupt and not be able to pay his salary. The rabbi started offering group counseling to kids who got eighteen dollar gifts. It turns out that many of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids were thinking about leaving Yiddishkeit, after they saw what their friends got for Christmas. Gavin hasn't got an Aliyah in years. He's not loved. No affection. The Gabai hates him. He's been relegated to Galilah and Tzedakah box carrier. People got sentimental with the calling your mom concept. The rabbi should've done an appeal then. He would've got money. He should've said, 'When was the last time you called your mom? There is an appeal card on your seat for the new addition to our building.' Once he said 'mom' people were willing to give more than eighteen dollars. His Yom Kippur appeal should be about moms. 'This Yom Kippur, think of your mom and give the shul a lot...' Some people tried making a phone call after shul, but for reason of affection and keeping the laws of Shabbat, the rabbi smacked them. I have never seen so much anxiety in a shul. People were so worried about Pesach cleaning. The lady had developed a Pesach tic. Every Siddur she touched, she took a tissue and started cleaning it. Later, when she shook my hand, she rubbed it down with a baby wipe. Between us, the Gabai stared too long. They weren’t that loud. Due to people not noticing the quiet stare from the Bima, in the midst of their passionate conversation, the Gabai has started going around to ask people to be quiet. The Gabai found that with all the talking, there are too many places to be. We now have six Gabais whose job it is to keep people quiet. The shul is thinking of hiring an extra security guard to bounce congregants from shul, and to scare them from coming in. The Gabai stare is awkward. It makes everybody uncomfortable. We all feel like kids. It’s almost as awkward as seeing Pinny, the old single guy, in shul. Awkward. Nobody wants to take the blame for Gabai stares. I never heard, 'It was me.' Them saying that would probably cause more staring. And nobody wants to take the blame for Pinny. I believe one time the Gabai just stopped and stared at Pinny. Nobody was talking. It was just a way to note how pathetic the old single guy in shul is. After the Gabai saw enough people shake their heads in discontent, he allowed the Chazin to continue. A class was given on shul etiquette and Gabai stares. The rabbi also explained in the class that the banging on the Bima was not due to anger, but to scare people into saying the Rosh Chodesh prayers. Finding Pinny a wife is a communal activity. Committees have been formed. One committee made a point to go into his house and throw out pictures from his childhood as he looked awkward. The Pinny committee refused to clean his house for Pesach. That was too scary. The Gabai stared at how dirty the floor was and walked out. He didn't even touch any of the tables, as they were too dirty. It's called The Pinny Committee. He is the cause. His singleness is a charity. Tags:
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Don't come to the Beit HaMikdash on Chagim without a Karaban. You must show up with to the Temple with a sacrifice.
When you travel to your cousin's Bar Mitzvah, do you bring a gift? Exactly. And now you bring nothing to Gd?! Shame. Bring a gift. If we learned anything, be a decent guest. You're visiting Gd's house. Don't show up empty handed. Nowadays, people bring letters to the Kotel. That's not a gift. There's no Mitzvah for that. No host needs a postcard from a friend who's looking to get married, but can't go out of their way to visit. Hosts want food. You show up to dinner with a dish. You show up with a note that says 'please forgive us for not bringing anything,' you're not getting invited back. Well, that's what you're doing at the Kotel. You're bringing a note that says something went wrong and you're sorry. Nobody likes people who show up without a gift. You show up to the Temple with no meat, and then to top it all off, you don't have the first fruits basket. You're a Temple taker, and the Kohens are all starving and acting real smug. I am not suggesting to have a barbecue at the Kotel. It's not the Temple. Bringing nothing is a huge letdown to the hosts. I've been witness. 'Mark is here... Oh shoot. He brought nothing. He's just a letdown... I thought he makes a nice stew too... Nope. Nothing. Not even a gazpacho... I think he knows we invited him. He's here. We won't have him again. Come in Mark. Take off your shoes. Only people that bring a gift can leave their shoes on... I know we invited him, honey... Didn't he at least bring wine?! Nope. Nothing. Just here to eat. To live off the fat of the land. No appreciation... Wine and stew shows appreciation, Mark. We're having Matzah for dinner now.' A sacrifice is a lot of meat. The problem is most people show up with dessert. There is no commandment to bring a babka. Anybody can afford that. It would be much better if people showed up with a nice roast. If you're eating at our home, bring a roast and you will have an excellent dinner. Why people host that can't cook is a different story. And don't show up to my house with a broccoli lokshen kugel. A broccoli quiche is OK. If it's in lokshen form, it should be spinach. Spinach lokshen kugel is excellently tasty. I don't believe that is a commandment in the Torah, but it should be. It would make us happier. Spinach lokshen kugel and a roast. If you're eating at our home, we'll provide dessert. You provide the spinach lokshen, roast and wine. If we've learned anything from this Mitzvah, never depend on the hosts to feed you. Tags:
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That's how the punchline of a Jewish joke should look. Like you're questioning something, dealing with an upset stomach, or giving a sermon.
Growing up in a Jewish community, and now being the rabbi of a community, I have studied the art of how the Jewish joke is told, while being forced to listen to them. And we all know, it's about the delivery. So, here is how you deliver a Jewish joke with style.
Must Have a European Accent That means talking like a New Yorker. To deliver a Jewish joke correctly, talk like somebody who immigrated from Europe a hundred years ago, or a New Yorker. It's all the same. They both sound foreign to anybody in the Midwest. When delivering as a New Yorker always pronounce an 'a' when pronouncing an 'r'. The caveat, that is unless the 'r' is in the beginning of a word. And anytime you have an 'i', stress the letter and add an 'u' to it. Also add 'oy' to words with a 'y', so that you can complain more while talking. And then add vowels wherever possible. Any joke delivered in this way is now Jewish. 'Whoy did the chicken crawss the road? To get to the otha suiide.' Now, it's a Jewish joke. Start Each Joke With 'You Know the One About...' This lets them know that you're not talking about yourself, and you're not the one who moved to the Lower East Side in the 1930s to see Ms. Nafkowitz. You can also use, 'Have you heard the one about...' 'About' must be in there. The 'I saw' or 'This guy I know' joke methods are not Jewish. 'About' must be there. The 'you know the one about' method also give the other person the chance to say, 'I know that joke,' so that you can continue to tell the joke yourself. Grab the Person Make sure to grab your friend's arm. You start with a touch and then you grab. If you don't grab their arm, they may not stay for the whole joke. I learned this method by watching Mervin at Kiddish. He was the only one who could get people to hear him finish his jokes. Other people who did not use the grabbing technique lost their subjects mid-joke. You want to cup their elbow. You don't want them to be able to escape. Pull them into you if possible. Squeezing tight helps if there is a long setup. The tighter you squeeze, the easier it is to hold their attention. Literally. You want to think of the arm touch and grab as holding their attention till you get to the punchline. Now people stay away from Mervin, in fear that they will suffer physical harm from his humor. Nonetheless, violence can help with delivery. Laugh at The Joke Yourself You can't depend on anybody else to laugh at your joke. All joke delivery should end with you laughing. This way people can see you enjoying it. Somebody should enjoy your jokes about mother-in-laws. Note: Mother-in-law jokes should not be told in front of mother-in-laws. That can make for an awkward conversation at Kiddish. Stare at the Person Until They Laugh After the joke stare. Fix your eyes on them. It will trigger a response. Hopefully they realize you just told them a joke and are expecting a laugh. Every Statement Should Be in Question Form Your joke should start with a question and end with a question. This way, the listener will not know if you're done. 'Why do Jews answer questions with questions?' 'Why shouldn't we?' That tone of 'why shouldn't we?' is how you must end every joke. Every punchline should sound like that, with a New York accent. Hence, making it a Jewish joke. Shrug your shoulders while supinating your hands for correct delivery posture. A bit of a forward head tilt, with widened eyes and closed lips, helps with the question form pose. While supinating your hand, do not loosen your grip on their elbow. Even if it hurts the delivery, you don't want to take a chance with them walking towards a conversation they want to have. To help the audience, add a 'nu' at the end of the joke. That works like a George Burns cigar, ending the joke for them. Allowing them to know they're supposed to laugh. If you don't add a 'nu' they won't know to laugh. Never depend on the material or your stare. You must have a 'nu' or squeeze their arm tighter. That's how a Jew tells a joke. That's tradition. And if you can, corner the subject, so they can't slip out of the joke hold and get away in the middle of the joke. Tags:
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This week's Torah reading is a double Parsha. You may want to show up late. It is going to be painful. To make it worse, the Bar Mitzvah boy is going to read a couple of the Aliyahs. Rule: Dad's are not allowed near their children when their kids lead services. The dad standing there like a helicopter Jew adds to much time to the services, and it causes people to hate your child. The weather is cold again. You can use that as your excuse for why you never come to shul. The community Shabbat dinner is this coming Shabbat. We are going to have fore spice sized plates, as Cheryl found a way to pile up the whole shnitzel platter on her plate last year. Don't eat at the Katzenbergs for Shabbat lunch. They have no idea how to make a decent potato kugel. They will kill your Shabbis afternoon. The shul's Kugel Bakeoff is to take place next week. Do not worry. We have disqualified the Katzenbergs from joining. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:1) 'Moshe gathered all the community of Israel...' I can't even gather you guys for Hamotzie... Everybody washed and we were waiting... Why does everybody think that when we go to wash, they should have a conversation?! You never want to talk to these people, except for when you're washing for bread... He didn't gather the Israelites to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy read... I don't care that it was six months ago. It's painful. The kid pronounces the words. If it was the Katzenberg's Kugel, nobody would've showed. You couldn't gather people with that thing. There's a reason nobody showed to shul to honor Siril Katzenberg's graduation... They knew that you made the Kugel. He told them what they are commanded... There are commandments. Requirements. Such as Minyin... Yes. Show up. That's my command. The shul needs a Minyin... Starts with Shabbat. If we could get a Minyin on Shabbat. After the commandment of Shabbat, we see the concept of people giving stuff to the Temple and the services.... When people come together they give to the place of worship... All you do is complain about the shul. You don't show up and you complain... The Katzenbergs giving Kugel is not appreciated… Of course it’s leftovers. Shouldn't that be a sing?! I can't even call the community together because nobody here shares... Sharing is a Mitzvah... You didn't share. To be a community, you share. You piled up your plate. You came back to the table and said you got it for them... They can get up. You got the shnitzel for yourself Cheryl. Then, you loaded up the cinnamon rugulach... Yes. Everybody loves the cinnamon rugulach. But you took it. Next time, just take the platter, Cheryl… For your table?! They don’t even like the raspberry or apricot filling. I don’t even know why they make those cookies with apricot filling. Are they Hamentashen?... Exactly. Apricot jelly filling should only be used in Hamentashen… It’s tradition Cheryl. We have a holiday for apricot filling. Blueberry jam is for Pesach. You put it on the cream cheese. On the Matzah... Yeah. It tastes great. Community doesn’t come to a Shabbis dinner and take all of the food for themselves. That’s why we have the smaller plates now... It's because of you Cheryl. It's because you don't trust people to take their own rugulach... The only thing you share is bad jokes. It has to stop Mervin. Everybody shared. They brought their valuables. Women gave bracelets and earrings... Nice ones. Not the ones with birds hanging. Whatever that Michal Negrin stuff you bought is. They didn't give Katzenberg potato kugel... No. You cannot submit a potato kugel to the Bakeoff. That is not fair to other people. Your kugel is vile. If that Bar Mitzvah kid was reading, the congregation would've said, 'We don't care if it's Shabbis. We are not going to take this abuse and show up to Minyin anymore. Get somebody who doesn’t enunciate'... They might have even hung you as his dad. Everybody hates your kid now... He lost of all his friends because you make him nervous and he stutters. He's developed a Haftorah tick to his left... That's where you stand. He can't even talk to his friends without looking over his shoulders, worried if he said the word loud enough... Next time we do Hamotzie, let’s come together. It’s not a time to fill up your plate. Moshe gathering the people would've been impossible if they were loading up their plates at the buffet instead of washing their hands for Hamotzie... Rivka’s Rundown Such a beautiful message of Achdut, unity, so that people can start their dinner. The people in the shul give nothing. When I say nothing, I mean nothing that anybody wants. Somebody donated a hand-me-down skirt she got from her older sister. She insisted it was very expensive, as it had sentimental value. The shul dinner was messed up. The rabbi had to yell at people to call them together for Kiddish. He washed, and then he yelled, 'You can't talk after you wash.' One of the kids must work as a waiter. The way they piled up the shnitzel on the new small plate is an art. I saw him sticking pieces in. It was a pyramid of shnitzel. A balancing act. The difference between the kid and Cheryl is that he insisted that he didn't get the shnitzel for the table. It was all for him. Baruch's son just got Bar Mitzvahed half a year ago. When he reads, it's painful. His dad wants him to enunciate. The whole shul hates him now. They are waiting for him to protest his dad and mumble the words fast. Truth is the whole congregation hates that family; almost as much as the Anim Zemirot kid. It's the dads that kill it for them. New rule in the congregation. You can't lead unless you do it real fast. Pronouncing words is not appreciated by anybody, or allowed. I believe that if the people follow this we will get more members. I think the rabbi ate at the Katzenbergs last week. He did not like their Kugel. He considered it a sin. The Bakeoff went well. And the Katzenbergs enjoyed it, as they didn't have to eat their Kugel. The rabbi had to explain the meaning behind the different jelly fillings and why raspberry should only be used on Sukkot. I think the main reason is that he likes the tartness. Tags:
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A Jew can eat bacon, but only a bit. You get it? Bacon bits are kosher. Bacon is not kosher. If you eat the bits it's OK. You still can't eat pig. Not even a bit. We don't want to mis-educate our students. 
The Falafel of Etan
Israelis are very possessive of their falafel. Even when they have a shop, they don't like to share it… That's Etan. Standing over them while they eat. Making sure they don't run away with his falafel. Archives
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
6/5/2023
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