We want to wish the Fishbaums a Mazel Tov on their daughter’s wedding. If you weren’t invited, they don’t like you. This announcement has been sponsored by the Fishbaum Mishpacha.
 
Our Gabai finally got Aliyah cards, to remind people they are being called up to the Torah. After years of people forgetting their Aliyahs, we have cards. We thank the Aliyah Committee for purchasing solid wood signs. Years ago, we had paper ones. Those got stuck in Chayim Shlomo’s pockets. We know. The cleaners returned them to the shul. The Keebud honor handouts have come a long way. It’s an industry now. Used to be paper. Now it’s thick plastic, wood, metal. Somebody is making a killing.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Buy a gift for the Chatan and Kallah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why People Don’t Invite Members of Our Shul to Weddings- How Our Membership Doesn’t Tip or Give Gifts. Why It's Not the Shul's Responsibility to Remind You About Your Appointments and Other Reasons We Will Not Make Laminated Cards for Every Part of Your LIfe. Is It Halachaikly Allowed to Give a Gift If You Weren't Invited to the Wedding- How to Rub Your Anger in People's Faces. 
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Nobody from our shul was invited to the wedding. The Fishbaums don’t like anybody in our shul. It turns out they paid for the announcement in the Shabbat handout. They wanted people to know they are not liked.

Our members aren't invited to weddings, and they're not invited back to restaurants.
Our membership doesn't give decent gifts, and they tip real bad too. It has something to do with their idea of Tzedakah. They figure, "I don't tithe my money to charity, I won't give eighteen percent here." I believe that carries over to dues as well. They took that Rashi (Devarim 15:10) earlier in the Parsha about saying you'll give Tzedakah as being the same as giving it. They've become accustomed to saying they'll give. They will pledge tons.
I saw some of our members leave Shloimi's Kishka Joint saying "thank you." Real appreciative. No tip. The waitstaff wasn't appreciative. Amazing how appreciation only goes one way with our membership. Like our rabbi, he's not appreciative of our congregation. Maybe the raise idea of them saying they'll give him a raise and never doing it.
Personally, I'm with the membership of our shul. Whatever happened to kind human interaction?! Why does money have to be involved in kindness?! And I am not wanted back at Shloimi's Kishka Joint either. Why you call a classy place where tips are expected a Kishka Joint, that is the real question I have.
 
The Gabai finally got the cards. It’s been years of waking up people shocked they had an Aliyah. People not remembering they had an Aliyah to the Torah. Knocking on bathroom stall doors. Yelling, “You couldn’t wait till Revi’i?!... Well, the Gabai and the congregation are waiting for you. Ben Nachman Moshe? Correct?... We’re all waiting…”
Our members have a very short-term memory. Even the wood cards don’t work sometimes. We need big plaques. Poster size plaques. Stuff that’s too heavy to carry out of the sanctuary. Something to keep them in their seats.
Some of our members forget they have the signs. We need Aliyah security guards. Guys that stand by Shelishi and Revi’i. Make sure they don’t leave the shul till after their Aliyahs. Force people to hold it in.
 
And it’s an Aliyah Committee. We have a committee for everything. You don’t purchase the names of Keebuding without a group decision. You have honor cards made, you make sure there's a majority decision.
 
The big talk at Kiddish was how much people are making on these Keebud plaques, and who the Fishbaums hate the most.
After noticing the lucrative business Torah handouts are, the rabbi started an Aliyah card making business. He even expanded it to Musaf, just in case the guy that is getting married, who has Maftir forgets, his wedding is coming up. Opened up the Aliyah card market with that.
 
If the shul membership gave gifts, the Fishbaums would invite all the people. Which means everybody they don’t like would show up.
Not giving gifts is a Mitzvah. As is not tipping. If we tipped, Shloimi would want us back eating Kishka. They didn't want us back at the baseball game either. To quote the guy at the stand, "There's a limit to refills."
Going anywhere with our congregants is a Chilul H’. Being seen with Bernie is defaming Gd's.
Our congregants call it antisemitism. And our shul is full of a bunch of anti-Semites. The board, anti-Semites. The youth taking all the candy at the Ufruf, anti-Semites. The office even called, expecting me to pay my pledge, because they're a bunch of anti-Semites. And they don't learn Rashi.

I don’t think the Fishbaums got a Mazel Tov from anybody in the shul. And they were happy about that.
I'm happy I didn't have to buy the Fishbaums a wedding gift. That's how I see it. If you don't wish a Mazel Tov you don't have to give a gift. You acknowledge they had a Simcha, now you're going broke on new dishes you're never going to use.

Being that the new made Aliyah cards were such a hit, the congregation was insisting that the shul board and office take it on themselves to make cards for their personal daily chores. The rabbi gave a class on why the shul shouldn't be expected to make cards to remind them to take the trash out of their homes. Nobody showed to that class, because cards weren't made to remind people about it.

This month we learned about Tisha BAv, Shema and marrying people you don't think are hideous, which has caused the Shidduch industry to take a big hit. Let's learn a Bissel Torah.

It’s our tradition to read Megilat Eicha on the night of a Tisha BAv in the dark, with flashlights, because that draws the flies to you.
 
(Kiddushun 41a) You have to see a woman before marrying her. Bothersome as it is, you’ll probably have to see her after you’re married too.
Rav Yehuda says Rav says it’s forbidden to betroth a woman until seeing her because he might see something repulsive. Some girls have the big skirt buckles. Some guys are repulsed by those. If he becomes repulsed, he may end up violating the Mitzvah of loving your neighbor as yourself (Vayikra 19:18). This doesn’t mean you should be checking out your neighbor’s wife. There is no Mitzvah to love your neighbor’s wife. Just your neighbor. A little misreading can lead to a lot of problems in the community.
And this is why commentary is important.

(Berachos 12b) We should have added Bilam’s Bracha of the Jews to the Shema. We don’t add it because of Tircha DTzibur. It’s a bother to the congregation, as it would take a long time. Instead, we wait half an hour for people to finish the Shema prayer.
It speaks of H’ guarding us, so we have the serenity of a lion and lioness (Rashi- Bamidbar 24:9). Even this explanation is getting long. I’m going to stop that here. And I’m going to say Shema faster. You know what else is a Tircha DTzibur. When somebody enunciates the words of their Davening.
For some reason, the Gemara says nothing about making everybody wait half hour, while staring at you, trying to figure out why he's making us all wait. Nothing was said about the rabbi's job being to make people wait a very long time, so that they can become very frustrated. No Mitzvah of causing everybody to be extremely frustrated and to not want to show up to Minyin was mentioned.

(Nidda 30b) Before birth you learn all of Torah. And then an angel comes hits you on your mouth, and you forget it. This teaching is there to comfort us, knowing how easily we forget stuff. We also learn from this that angels have a very violent temper. We learn much from this teaching, and then we forget it. 
And this is why I was never good at Judaic studies. The angel.

​What We Learned from Rabbi David: Mourning is best done with a flashlight, as flies cause us to think about the Destruction of the Temples. Don't marry ugly people, because you can't love them. Kavanah, focus on Gd during Davening, is bad. And you should blame everything on angels. Not Jews. And we all now feel like worse people.

I’m still thinking about that long Davening a couple weeks ago. Nightmares.
We have to implement the shul rules for faster Davening and services. The board won’t help physically throw people out who are properly focusing on their Amidah prayer. They’ll probably set up a committee. And that means meetings will also take longer.
How do you implement the rules, and keep people from enunciating the words of their prayers. How do you ensure we can get out of shul faster, without repeating the beginning of Adon Olam every other sentence. You must present it to your congregation. In front of all members. Let them know why the slow Davening is painful and why it doesn't work, and then enforce a prayer security team who can hurt people that sing.
I shall share notes for the argument you will have to bring, to persuade your community to enact the rules of not doing any Mishebeyrachs for family members who are not about to die. If your community doesn't support the faster Davening, leave and start a breakaway Minyin. 

Notes On Why Long Davening Doesn't Work
Here are the reasons long Minyins don’t work out. Stuff you can share with your fellow congregants, to start the revolution.
I can't concentrate for more than five minutes. And that includes putting on Teffilin.
I have stuff to do. I have to get to work. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Are we not supposed to encourage people to get jobs?!! There is a reason everybody at our Minyin is retired. By the time Davening is over, they got fired. By the time the Baal Tefillah finishes his Amidah, in which he for some reason feels he has to focus proper prayer attention to, they hired somebody who can show up.
I heard people drink coffee. What about coffee. Does H' not want us drinking coffee before work?!
I ​want to shoot the Chazin. Call it wrong. There is a desire there. A real Kavanah.
​The pain of waiting for this guy. It builds up the dislike. Sinat Chinam.
I don't like suffering as much as the other people in our shul. It’s got to stop. How much do these people like Yom Kippur.
An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz repetition of the Amidah during the week?!! Is anybody for this?!!! It's out of control. These people are in Shabbis mode all week. They have to get a job. And then the board wants to know why they didn't pay their dues.
This long Davening is keeping people from coming to shul. I'm supporting conversation here. People come to shul to converse with their friends.
Nobody comes to shul to Daven. They come to see their friends and hang out. Why the president makes that "no talking during services" announcement, still baffles me. It's like he's trying to chase away members.
Kavana is killing Judaism, and it is the cause of Sinat Chinam. Focusing on prayer should not be allowed in any synagogue. It's right after Tisha BAv, and this is what people do. 
Am I supposed to bring a newspaper to shul. Tell me what to do. Am I supposed to bring my laptop and make business calls. Because that's how long Davening is taking.
You empower these people and they never finish the Shema.
People can slow this down themselves. They can stay late. That makes sense. Sorry for bringing that idea up.
Do they meditate on each word? If that's the case, they're Buddhists. We can't have that kind of idol worshipping going on in our shul. It causes for services to take too long. 
If you are meditating it should take three hours.
Just the long Shema is enough to want to hurt people. Do you know that half of our community recently purchased guns. I don't know if it's because of antisemitism or the Chazin. I don't.
Getting back at people is wrong. I don't know who wronged these Baal Tefillahs and Chazins. Who wronged them?! Who are they getting back at?! Maybe we have to get to the root of the problem. It's the Gabai.
Not one person is smiling. They're all mad. That might just be the result of being in shul. Even so, Davening should not take long.
It’s called a Tircha DTzibur. That’s the word of the day. A bother to the congregation. Like Bernie and Max. Annoying. Rambam (Hilchot Tefillah 12:23- Rambam) teaches that even rolling a Torah is wrong. And so is smoking it. Asur. 

If I was able to sleep, fine. The pews are not comfortable, and I can't get a good nap on. The one time I did fall asleep on a pew, Bernie woke me and said that was his Makom. It was his seat. I had to get up. And I understand. When you have to spend five hours in shul, because a fool thinks it's a good idea to have Kavanah, you need a comfortable seat.
I believe you all understand the importance of a fast Minyin now. If you get any pushback from anybody, revoke their membership, kick them out of the religion. There is no place for these people and Kavanah.
 
Note from the Shul Board About Violence
I will end with this. As it turns out, violence is not appreciated. Here is the note:
It's not acceptable to choke the guy who asks the Gabai to say an extra Bracha for their family. Even if Aliyah Mishebeyrachs are annoying and cause for revolt.
Rivka from Sermons of Rebuke told us that some people have taken my Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yell in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.” It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad spat on Mr. Goldberg.
An aggressive “I hate you” should be reserved for the Chazin, Gabai and the guy who asking for us to bless his family.
Since the rabbi's new rules there has been a lot reports of violence in our shul.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows, because it took too long to bring out the choolante. Again, the problem being people being in shul too long.
Some jumped on the Bima last week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."
We also want to make it clear that shooting the Chazin is not allowed. Our security team frowns on that.

Davening longer than twenty-five minutes isn't allowed anymore. We want people to not hate shul. A two-minute Shema is painful enough. Chazaras HaShas, the cantor's out loud repetition of the Amidah prayer for the community, should be fast and not heard by anyone.
The rabbi said you can yell at the Baal Tefillah if their Davening is too long. You can yell, “Move faster. Your Davening is annoying everyone. Your Kavana is painful to the congregation. We hate you.”
 
No more than two family members mentioned during post Aliyah Mishebeyrachs. You get up to say the blessing over the Torah, nobody needs to hear about your new niece. Too many people are receiving Mishebeyrach blessings and it’s adding time to Minyin. People are mad, and now more people hate Jews.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We are looking for strong people to kick people out of shul who do Mishebeyrach after their Aliyahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Cause of Communal Hate and How It’s Our Chazin. The Pain of You Remembering the Names of Fifty Family Members. How Praising People Leads to Wars- A History of How We Lost Membership.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The focus this week was how to get Davening done faster. I suggested we just skip it. The rabbi wasn't fine with that. Though he liked the idea.
When Davening takes too long, you can't focus on anything else. So, I'm happy we focused our shul discussion on finishing Davening faster this week. Otherwise, I would have been cursing out Felvel and his whole family, who he mentioned after his Aliyah. I took down all the names. Hate them all. They'll say they had nothing to do with Felvel going off on all of them, remembering who they're the child of. They still deserve to be hated. Nothing to do with our shul, not even in our city, and they're slowing down our Davening.
​The discussion on finishing Davening added a good two hours to Davening. We probably should've had that discussion another time. It was self-defeating. 

They discussed it. People want to shoot the Chazin. The pain of waiting for this guy. An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz during the week?!! It happened.
Eight minutes??? Am I supposed to read a newspaper. Is that what I'm supposed to do during the cantor's repetition?! Otherwise, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm definitely not focusing on praying. At some point, I'm thinking of hurting the CHazin. 
I have to say, Kavana is killing Judaism.

The board meeting went on about it later in the week. They decided that people who want to do a slow Davening, can slow things down by themselves, and stay in shul later. They can stay late, with no security. To quote our president, "If you believe in your prayers that much, you should believe a little in Gd."

Just the long Shema is enough to get anybody mad. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Do they meditate on each word?! Are they getting back at people?! Did somebody wrong them?!
If you are meditating, Shema should take three hours. I'm not suggesting people meditate. Truth is, I sometimes fall asleep during the Shema myself. I have people coming over to me telling me how impressed they are with my Kavanah.

Here are some of the rules we came up with this week, due to the pain of a long Shabbat morning Shacharit:
Mishebeyrachs are wrong, and thus not allowed. Especially when Davening is taking a long time. They went on with these blessings for their family. Each person is now doing it. These people are adding names. Family members they don't even have. Making up family.
Adon Olam took forever too. They did a slower tune than the slow tune. No idea how that was possible.
And they didn’t even start on time. That somehow slowed up Davening too. New rule is they have to start on time, even if nobody is there. 
Mishebeyrachs for the USA and Israel, and the soldiers, can be said. But they all have to be fast. As long as people say "Amen," they can feel like they care about their people.
And you can also say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. The head of the Tehillim committee suggested we put a time limit on how long we pray for the sick. To quote, "If we're still saying the Mishebeyrach after two months, might as well give up. What are their chances anyways." And since then, I have put it in my medical directive letter that I don't want Ruchel and the Tehillim committee to ever pray for me. 
And Shema is now timed.

Some people have taken the rabbi’s Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yelling in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.”
It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows. Why? Because it took too long to bring out the choolante.
Some jumped on the Bima the past week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."

They did the starting on time with nobody, and they finished the service before anybody showed up. And every congregant in our shul was happy.

Upper West Side- A place in Manhattan where single people go to cry. See Katamon in the ‘Aliyah Dictionary’ for singles crying in Israel.

Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot- a) A second day of a holiday, celebrated outside of Israel. Sentence: ‘Gd doesn’t love me because I don’t live in Israel. This is my punishment.’ b) Something Jews in America will never get rid of, as it gets them off another day of work. See antisemitism for other reasons colleagues hate Jews
​
The Mountains- Where Jews go for the summer and the only mountains in the Oylam. The ‘world’ being New York. Where Yiddishkeit is based. A Jewish city, in the summer The Mountains is part of Brooklyn. Affectionately called the Catskills for those purchasing postcards, The Mountains must be capitalized. See Bungalow for how giving up a three-million-dollar home for a shack makes sense. See Goyim for people who still don’t realize The Mountains is part of Brooklyn, and a nation who is trying to figure out how traffic got to Monticello.
 
Tisha BAv- The day the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed because people didn’t get along. As such, to assist in mourning on this day, it’s tradition to not greet and welcome each other. Sentence: ‘I don’t feel like these Jews are very friendly. I don’t like them. No one greeted me. I hate this community.’ See Geula for how not being friendly leads to redemption.

Shadchan/it- People who match you with a person you have no interest in, ensuring the idea of love is destroyed. Keeping the institution of marriage alive. Sentence: ‘She’s not a supermodel… Not somebody you’d ever see on TV… Not somebody you’d ever want to see in your home… You’re perfect for each other.’ See Faigee for the name of 80% of Shadchans.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for his explanation of The Mountains and Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot, and other ides of his that cause antisemitism. Why people have to be nasty on Tisha BAv is a reputation we don't need, but David is putting it other. Thank you David. And thanks to this month's Jewish words of education with David, we have given up on any hope of getting married.

I just dealt with a very painful Davening, where the Chazin did a fifteen-minute Chazaras HaShatz, repetition of the Amidah. We already did it. He did it again. And he kept on going with the prayer. 
Kavanah has to stop. It's killing communities. Devoutness must stop. I will say it. It's annoying. People who come to shul, want to get out. That's why they go. There is no reason for a long Davening. We have to stop these people. And thus, I came up with rules to stop these people with Kavanah from leading our shules into the abyss of focusing on prayers.
This is about community Shalom. It's a Tircha DTzibur. A pain to the congregation. And somebody has to to take a stand. We have to stop it.

Here are the Rules for a Faster Davening, so that nobody will want to Shoot the Chazin
Shema can't take longer than it takes to read the words of the Shema. If it takes longer, kick them out. As a community, we acknowledged Gd is One. Nobody has to acknowledge that your devout fervor is annoying.
How does it take longer than the words?!!!! They're definitely saying something else there. And it's wrong to come up with your own words to the Shema. You can't read all of Sefer Devarim and call it the Shema. It's also wrong to read a paperback in the middle of Davening, calling it the Shema, trying to get in some extra quiet and relaxation time for yourself.

Rabbi has to finish his Amidah, Silent Prayer, before his congregants. If he takes longer, fire him.
Bylaw: The rabbi can keep his job if when he looks back and sees his congregants are finished, he tells them to start with the repetition of the Amidah. He does this by giving a wink to the Chazin or Baal Tefillah. The difference between a Chazin and Baal Tefillah is how much the guy sounds like Kermit the Frog. The Chazin needs a head nod and a wink, otherwise he doesn't know to continue. 

The rabbi and Gabai must master the head nod and wink. If they have not mastered this necessary speed cue, get rid of them. They don't deserve their jobs. If the Chazin thinks the Gabai is hitting on him, we have a problem.
Anybody who doesn't understand that a head nod and double eye wink means to start moving fast, should not be Davening for the Tzibur. He's an idiot. The Tzibur are people who get frustrated when they have to pointlessly wait for you to start the repetition of the Amidah. The Tzibur is also known as people who are generally angry. 

Anybody who closes their eyes during Davening, they might be meditating on something. Kick them out. If they're truly in the middle of proper mediation, they won't even realize you're throwing them out of the building. 

The repetition of the Amidah must be said in under two minutes. Nobody should have to hear you enunciate each word. Mumbling is holy and it keeps communities together. It's how Jews have prayed for centuries. Say. In some communities, people have to go to work.

Anybody does any tune during the weekday services, kick them out of shul. Revoke their membership. This includes Rosh Chodesh. Somebody starts singing Hallel, kick them out. Normal people don't connect to Gd during the week.
And if anybody brings a guitar to shul, kick them out and break their guitar. They should know better than trying to pull that Shtick. Putting on a concert at 7am?! Are these people even Jewish?! They should be excommunicated. Probably out all night partying. That's not how you celebrate Rosh Chodesh. You celebrate Rosh Chodesh by not being happy that you have to say extra prayers.
You can sing one Hallel song on holidays.

All of these rules must be followed on Shabbat. Each moment we are waiting for you to finish Davening is time we are not eating. And that makes Davening Asur.
Who in the Gehenim is doing the slow Kaddish. What is this one trying to prove?! Anybody who doesn't follow the Tzibur's Kaddish tune and speed, kick them out. And that includes guests. Any guest of the shul who has the Chutzpah to do a Kaddish that's not in sink, drag them out. Shuls have security nowadays for a reason.

Layning must be practiced by the one reading the Torah, so that we can get it done quick. It's called Torah reading, so read it right. And that means fast. If you see anybody on the side of the Torah table, speaking sign language to the guy reading the Torah, that means the guy didn't prepare. Yell at them. He will hear you. People, especially the one reading the Torah for everybody, should not be talking during the Torah reading. And that includes having a conversation in sign language about the troupe. 
Practice the Torah reading. It feels like I'm sitting at a Bar Mitzvah every week. And no more Bar Mitzvahs. Any parent who tells their child to slow down, kick out that parent from Judaism. Excommunicate them. And hurt them. Do not hurt the child. There are things we don't do, no matter how annoying it is to have to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy Layn.

Mishebeyrachs. Skip them. If anybody insists on a post Aliyah Mishebeyrach, take five hundred dollars from them. On the spot. I don't care if it's Shabbis. We have to stop these people. There are certain pains we have to suffer for the shul to make money. Dues, dinners where we honor people I can't stand, and auctioning off Aliyahs by a guy who says he's important. For Money, you can do it.
I just sat in shul where each person did a Mishebeyrach. I blame the Gabai. We fired that Gabai.
It added an extra fifteen minutes to Davening. It was painful. These people were adding names. Coming up with family members they didn't have.
They can't control their Mishebeyrachs, so we're cancelling them. And nobody cares about your family members. If anything, I'm not saying "Amen." I'm saying, "Thanks to these sinner family members who need extra Brachas, I have to be in shul for another fifteen minutes. They should be cursed."
All Mishebeyrachs have to be fast. I care about the Tzahal and all of our soldiers. If I hear another person who jumps into another Chazin role in the middle of our community prayer for the soldiers, I'm kicking them out and finding a soldier to shoot them. Beautiful Tzahal song. Don't sing it unless if you truly care about the soldiers and live in Israel. In Israel, they only sing it when the soldiers are there. And the soldiers don't have time for that song. They're heading to war. You can't tell Hamas, "Wait a minute. We have a beautiful song. You've got to hear it. It's about us being blessed and safe. The Israeli Philharmonic does it so well. Check it out."
You can say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. If a person sings it, hurt them, kick them out and say a Mishebeyrach for them too. The right way. Fast.

And what's this Adon Olam tune that repeats the words "Adon Olam"?! 
And then they slowed it down. It was slower than the slow tune. I didn't know you could go slower than the slow tune.
Anybody who slows down any singing, kick them out. All tunes should be with the purpose of getting out of shul. The only tune that should be used is "Yankee Doodle."
And they didn’t even start on time. I'm still getting over last Shabbis. Start on time. People want to miss Davening. 
Anim Zemirot. The kid did a slow tune for that too. Don't get me started. There is a reason children should not be in shul. Halacha. No kids in shul. 
If the Chazin doesn't catch the head nod, yell at him. You can also yell at anybody who slows anything down. 
There are many more rules and reasons to kick people out of shul. To sum up the rules, anybody that slows anything down in any way, kick them out. Hurt them. There is no place in shul for them. You may first want to give them a chance and yell at them. If the person has no idea what a head nod means, there is no place for them in a congregation.
Do I have to mention sermons. If you're thinking about firing your rabbi, here's a reason.

I am only trying to bring Shalom. And I do want to get out of shul. 
Next time we will focus on more of the reasons behind not having a long Minyin, other than me wanting to shoot congregants.

We are hosting a singles Shabbaton this weekend, for the Jewish Holiday of Love. Ti BAv. Please treat them like they’re normal people. Give them that this Shabbat Nachamu. Pretend like you don't notice the forty-year-old guy not wearing a Tallis.
 
Any woman wearing white is allowed to be hit on.
 
This world is a gift. The rabbi wants everybody to know that he was away on vacation, and to see the mountains and to not be with the membership of this shul was such a gift.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Pinny needs help meeting somebody. Women seem to know him, and that’s an issue. Please help set up Pinny with girls that have no idea who he is, so he has a chance to look decent.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Makes All Single People Creepy- Security Problems and How it Doesn’t Focus on Older Single People in Our Shul. How Saying Any Woman Wearing White is Allowed to Be Hit On - On Shabbis - Can Ruin Marriages. Pinny and Why He is Still Single- A Study in the Shidduch Ideas of Our Membership and How They Have Not Had One Successful Match. How to Ruin a Relationship by Letting Them Get to Know You and the Pinkowitz Family Story. The Joy of Going on Vacation and Not Seeing You.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Well. That just made it awkward. The whole women's section was staring at the men not wearing Tallises. Sadie Bracha screamed out, "Isn't he sixty already?!" And they she insisted that her yelling that should help him feel normal, as normal sixty-year-olds are married. 
Bringing awareness is not always helpful. Like the time the rabbi brought awareness to the non-religious congregants driving on Shabbat. He said we should treat them like Jews. Next thing you know, all people are talking about are the women with freshly showered hair, and how they must be driving on Shabbat. And the time the rabbi and the sisterhood brought awareness to those who identify as homosexual. Every conversation at Kiddish had the word "gay" in it. And they thought that was helping the "gay" people feel better.

This white Shabbat hitting on thing was messed up. Everybody wears white on Shabbat.
That was a shocker to the family wearing Shabbis clothes. 
I made sure my children were wearing colored clothes. They were walking around in Shabbat tye-die. I don't need a sixty-year-old without a Tallit hitting on my children.
 
I’d hate to have the shul help me meet somebody. Good luck Pinny. The only thing worse than a girl knowing Pinny. The only thing that can ruin a chance at a relationship for Pinny more than that is the sisterhood getting involved in trying to set him up. I pray for his soul. 
The women of our shul setting you up is the beginning of a good hundred very painful dates. However, many nieces there are in our shul, that's how many bad evenings and very uncomfortable dinners
And he has to go out. If he doesn’t, he will get looks from the ladies’ section. And Sadie Bracha will scream at him. Why her name is not Shulamis Bracha is another question. We all know Sadie Bracha doesn't fit.
Couldn't Pinny just find girls wearing white on Tu BAv, and hit on them. Well. He did that last year, and he made the whole women's section very awkward. Married women have not worn white since. They've stuck to off-white. Only cream colors on Shabbis.

The Pinkowitz family story is, they were a great couple till they got married and got to know each other. 

Well. The rabbi was happy. He had the gift of not seeing the congregation for a week. He insisted the nature stuff was not that enjoyable. The enjoyable things was not seeing the members who sit in the back left.
The rabbi suggested a great date idea for the Pinkowitz family this Tu BAv would be for the father to go on his own trip. Not seeing him would bring more love to all the family members. 

If I was a guy, I would never take off my Tallis. And to make it clear to Sadie Bracha, that is not a gay thing.

Shalom Dave,
I'm doing online speed dating for Tu BAv. That’s how I’m celebrating the Jewish holiday of love. In my 
I've been doing these online speed dating things. It's called AI speed dating. We realized we can't count on Shadchans anymore. The matchmakers have failed over the years not hearing the one thing we're looking for. People we think are hot.
I depend on AI now. They also do an excellent job with my work reports. If AI learns to raise kids, I'm getting married.

I'm trying here. I want to get married, and I’m depending on AI speed dating now. If you're going to speed date, this is the way to do it. Don't mock me. At this point, I'm willing to give anything a go to meet a good woman that I can build a family with. I'll even go on dates.

I'm not meeting in person. Barely any women go to shul. And if I do see them at shul, I look like a creep putting on my moves at the potato Kugel and gefilte fish table. It’s pathetic. Meeting online is a good option for me. I think it's just a good option.
This AI speed dating is a positive Shidduch avenue for anybody. I'll tell you why Dave. I'll give you the whole run through. It's a new thing and it needs the full analysis. Here’s how it works.

By the way. I hope your family is good. I find it amazing that you met without this internet stuff.
First you have to sign up. You fill in stuff about who you are and what you’re looking for. You let them know you’re religious. You do that by clicking a box. You tell them you keep Kosher. Say you want kids. Then you have to fill out what you’re looking for in a woman, so you click everything. At this point Jewish works. I’m orthodox and I’m looking for a woman who is willing. There was no box for willing, so I clicked every box.

Mind you. These are real people you're going to be seeing on the speed date screen. That's a plus.
At first seeing real people was a turnoff. You’re not meeting an AI virtual avatar. I was expecting the first AI date to respond the way I wanted, but nope. It was a woman. An actual woman on the other side of the screen.
Though these women don’t respond the right way, it’s a positive. Looking to feel good about myself, an AI date would've been better. Would've given me less issues about how much I make. AI wouldn’t have grilled me about my life choices and why I'm not successful, in a seven-minute online meeting with somebody it never met. Even so, it's speed dating, I get to meet a woman, and that date is over in seven minutes. Then I get a minute to recoup my self-confidence, before the next woman gets on and tells me I'm a nothing. So, it's like a real date. And many of them. 
Amazing. I got a lot of real first dates in there. In an hour, you realize there are seven women that aren't good for you. And that's dating success. Seven women that don't like me in an hour. Usually, those kind of successful dating results takes two months.

It was in my living room. I got rejected in my living room. That's much better than getting rejected after she ordered dinner and soup. 
This online speed dating is amazing. I can’t praise it enough.

Each time, you meet the other person and it's just the two of you. This is a step up from regular speed dating, where you have a room of people. You go to a regular speed dating event and there are forty people on your date. Who can afford paying for all of those drinks.
And it’s just the two of you. Focus. There’s no guy that every girl is gawking over because he’s not eighty pounds overweight. At every event there's one guy who's not totally out of shape and he kills it for the rest of us. Online, you don't feel that competition with the other guys. All they see is you. You angle that camera correctly and it looks like you have the beard for style. Not fat. And by the way, most guys become Chabad because they're overweight.
And girls don't have to feel all let down by comparing themselves with the one girl who looks "put together." That stuff just brings you down. Here, you don't feel that. Here you're getting rejected solely because of you. And that makes you feel better.
You can be yourself at this online speed dating. Basically, it opens up the field for love. And love is two out of shape people without ambition saying “we give up.” And that leads to families. This online speed dating is ingenious.

I get it Dave. This isn't the real date. This is that initial meeting. If it's speed dating already. Might as well do it online. This is the best use of online dating and speed dating.
You meet for seven minutes with seven different people. They don’t promise that all the people will show up. So, you pay twenty-five dollars to speed date with three people. By default, you’ve successfully been rejected by four people already. ​

Then, after all the dates, you click "yes" on the ones you like. And they click yes on the ones they like. If you both click yes, a match is made. So, you have no date. That’s it. It’s over. You did your Hishtadlus and you can feel good with H’. And you saved money on coffee.
Hishtadlus is the Jewish word for pain.

If somebody clicked yes on you, which might happen. People make mistakes when typing. Sometimes the mouse slips. You then set up another date with them. Which means another virtual call. You know how much that costs? Nothing. This thing is amazing.

I say it’s a positive. As an initial meeting option, this is a good way to start in the year 2026. All single people should give it a go. A date, a rejection and I don’t have to pay. The full cycle of every relationship I've ever had.
I say it's better to meet at shul or at an event, or at work. But meeting in person is called harassment. I don’t want to take chances being nice to people. Getting in trouble with the law for telling somebody I like them. Online, there’s video proof. And if online already, this is the best way to do it.
 
This is only for an initial attraction meeting. I'm still meeting in person. For real relationship development, at some point you have to meet in person. There’s no way around that yet. However, when it comes to this versus looking at Shidduch resumes, this is so much better. And at the end, you still get rejected.
 
Tu BAv Sameach,
David

Children are required to think of their parents as honorable, even if they’re not seen that way. This is why I need kids. I need some respect. I also need somebody to mow the lawn.

Taking a shower is permitted on the 17th of Tammuz. Bathing is also allowed the rest of the year. Please tell that to the campers at these summer camps. They’re disgusting.
 
For a Jew to divorce in the US, you need to have both a civil divorce and a Get through a Beit Din Jewish court. Outside of Israel, you need to hate your spouse twice as much.
To quote our dear friend who is now single, "That was easy. I would have signed another document. Every time I sign something saying I never have to see that person again, I feel such Nachis."

With the Maccabiah and all the sports, questions of Bitul Torah come up. Bitul Torah, wasting time from learning Torah, is something we don’t do as Jews. And there are many reasons given for this. The most convincing one being not getting your allowance.
The Maccabiah needs more Torah involved events. Excessive sports can be Bitul Torah. I support gymnastics, as long as it doesn't take away from learning Torah. One must be learning Gemara when competing on the bars.
As part of Color War, we always had a Bracha Bee. The Maccabiah. athletes from the different countries should be competing at Tefilat HaDerech. Soccer and the prayer for travel by heart for speed. And it’s practical for their trip home.
 
Note: They have held off on icing out Charedim totally. They’re not playing on Shabbis. Sports are not in the spirit of Shabbis and you sweat. Which is why most Jews never play sports, as it’s Asur to sweat outside of the Shvitz. The Shvitz is fine as it’s Grama. You’re passively causing the sweat.
Definitely not soccer.

What We Learned from Rabbi David: Jewish kids should shower more. The Maccabiah is not religious enough, and Charedim should be protesting it. Lying down in the middle of soccer fields is what Charedim should be doing for the Maccabiah. Marriage has ruined his life and he believes people should do whatever they can to get out of it, even if they have to do it more than twice. And the reason to have kids is because he needs people who are required to look up to him to get some respect and to do chores you don’t want to. Other than that, there is no reason to have those things. To bring more Torah joy to you, next month, Rabbi David will be sure to focus on Tisha BAv.

This Tisha BAv we’ll be sitting on the floor. The way renovations are going, that’s the most comfortable way to sit in our shul.
 
Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, is the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple. And we want to blame Bernie for that.
 
The rabbi’s note of the week: Everything at Kiddish is great. But the egg salad is disgusting. He believes that we are still in exile because of the person making the egg salad. They’re causing Sinat Chinam.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Teach Fran how to make egg salad. We need somebody to teach Fran how to purchase eggs and peel them. And we need a therapist to explain that pre-peeled eggs are disgusting.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: When Mourning Is Too Much- Renovations That Don’t End. The Isur of Using Pre-Peeled Eggs- How to Ruin Shabbat for Me and What Could Be a Good Egg Salad. Fran's Egg Salad and What Destruction Tastes Like. How Our Members Caused the Destruction of The Temple- How Descendents Affected the Past and How the Thought of Bernie Can Kill a Really Good Day and Generation.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We always sit on the floor for Tisha BAv. I think the rabbi was just making a point that the board is full of a bunch of idiots.
Usually our members sit on steps, because they can't bend that much. We have a very out of shape congregation. The most agile member can sit on a chair by holding onto the armrests. That's the extent of our agility. Holding an armrest to brace the fall onto the chairs. Our members don't sit. We fall onto chairs. And for Tisha BAv, we fall onto the stairs. Our members sitting for Tisha BAv need CNA help. We need nurse aides in our shul to ensure the congregants can get up. I see a congregant on the floor, there's an issue.
We don't even have steps to sit on now. That's real mourning. With the renovations, it's just flat concrete floor.
Renovations are disgustingly slow. They have the destruction thing down. Our board is very good at ruining things. They've destroyed the shul real well. It's the perfect Tisha BAv at our shul. You want to celebrate Tisha BAv, come to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
That's what happened with the destruction of the Temples. It was a renovations committee who got the destruction part down and then left it for a year. And they never got to the renovations. It was our board and renovations committee. And members who don't pay dues. And exile.

And then the baseless hatred. Our congregation has a lot of hate. The members of our shul are a good reason to hate. I would have to say, we did not cause baseless hatred. There is reason to hate the other members of our shul. With their hats, and the bad jokes they repeat, and the messed-up egg salad. There are a lot of very good reasons to hate our membership. If we were around in the times of the Beit Hamikdash, they would be able to say to Gd that they had a reason. It would be a Mitzvah to hate Bernie.

Fran doesn't get it. The eggs are disgusting. Pre-peeled eggs. There's something about them. It might be the vinegar they sit in. Whatever it is, it causes everybody to hate Fran.
Every problem in our shul comes back to Fran's egg salad.
Fran's egg salad did get me through Tisha BAv. When I was down and thinking I can't make it through the fast, I thought of her egg salad. It kind of made me never want to eat again. Thinking of Fran's egg salad actually made Tisha BAv a joy. It made it feel like mourning is a good thing.
Most people eat the egg with ashes before Tisha BAv, known as the Seudah Mafseket. I just had Fran's egg salad. Felt the destruction right there.

Being around our members, I'm truly in a constant state of Tisha BAv.

As Tisha BAv is upon us, going over the news from the past few months should get us in the right mood. During the Three Weeks of mourning, we’ve been listening to a lot of JNS news, to keep us down. Here’s some stuff to remind us tradition is alive and the blood libels are still there.
Here is what we learned over the past months. It’s a lot. This is going to be a long one, so put on your Yarmulkes.
​It turns out people still hate us. Thought you should know that.

Ceasefire called again. So, shooting ramped up. Ceasefires are very dangerous. 
We believe that was a ceasefire on the ceasefire. And that makes sense to JD Vance.
When dealing with the IRGC and Hezbollah, you need to stop what you have stopped doing already. JD Vance explained this on the Joe Rogan podcast. It's very normal and it makes sense to him.
Who's to blame for ceasefire violence? Jews. They didn't break it, but they're Jews.

There’s a Fatwa on everybody. I thought there was already a Fatwa. But this is another Fatwa. As we learned from Gaza, people can die more than once. So you need more Fatwas. To quote, “There's a consensus. You can never die too many times.”
 
UAE seems to be with Israel. For some reason, they like the idea of life and economy.
 
New York Times reports that Israel is training terrorist dogs to rape people. False news. Israel has never trained any Gazans. And the New York Times doesn't retract the statement, and we're offended. To call Palestinians dogs is wrong.
And nobody batted an eye. It appears dogs raping people is a normal thing. There's a raping breed. We're still bothered they didn't report on the new spy sharks Israel has been training to rape swimmers . And the field mice Israel is training to infest people's homes. And what about the spiders and ants Israel has wrought on Gaza.

Bullying Jews and attacking Jews in New York is rampant. At least Mamdani lived up to his campaign promises.
 
People are still complaining about 3.8 billion dollars funding to Israel for military equipment. That’s nothing. Ask Mamdani what 3.8 billion dollars is in a budget, and how many shuls can be attacked with it.
JD Vance is complaining too. And he hasn't talked with Tucker Carlson in years.
Many in Israel don't want the funding. And that is the first recorded time in history that Jews are saying no to money. And we are starting to get this antisemitic thing down.

Another ceasefire. Wait. Iran broke it. But America is the ones who broke it.
Let us explain how international law works. It doesn’t make a difference who breaks the ceasefire first. If you break it second, you’re to blame. The International Criminal Court will hopefully get these evil regimes who break ceasefires after they've been shot at. JD Vance will explain it to you. To quote, "As long as they hate the Jews too."

Mamdani refuses to go to Israel Day Parade, giving the Jewish community at least something to celebrate.
He made it clear that he only supports countries that support rape and murder of their citizens.

Somebody used the saying, "No Jews, no news," like they came up with a unique idea. Like they created it.
 
Trump says he's going to wipe out the IRGC civilization. Causes uproar. Americans are not happy with this statement. IRGC says they're going to wipe out and kill all Americans. Americans support it.
It's all Israel's fault.

Wait. Another ceasefire. Shoot. They broke it.

Still haven't seen the new Ayatollah. Which means he's alive.
 
We would stop here, but there is a lot more Jew hatred to get through.

Any genocide ever done was Jews. Armenian genocide. That was the Jews. Sudan. The Jews. Jiffy Lube genociding people, charging full price on oil changes. Jews. Spanish Inquisition. The Jews did that.
People in America and Europe are mad that Israel is defending itself. To quote: "It's so much harder to kill these people when they defend themselves." Response to quote: "That's a genocide." 

You can't say you're against the IRGC, Hamas or Hezbollah. It's racist. Saying you're against terrorism is blatant racism. You're not allowed to converse and have conversation. Conversation is racist.
​
Italy wants to take military action against Israel, as they didn’t kill enough Jews during the Inquisition. Spain gets involved too. To quote, "You can't have an Inquisition without us." Some German and Polish politicians don't want to be left out. "We did what we could during the Holocaust, where the Jews were committing genocide." IT'S THE JEWS!!!!
I'm beginning to understand what genocide means. It has something to do with supporting Jewish right to live.
 
Lebanon and Israel sign a peace treaty. Lebanon is trying to figure what that means. “Who has to follow this?!”
Peace is a very offensive word. Only used by genocidal racists.

Iran executes its people. Including wrestler. It's the Jews fault. JD Vance said it’s because of Israel. Jews are genocidal executioners. Might as well. That Abby Martin woman has it down. She knows how to express Jew hate.
 
Flotilla comes to Gaza again. They won’t stop with these vacation ideas. How Gaza became the number one destination for these cruise ships is an anomaly we can’t figure out. Tourism in Gaza must be peaking. Other tour guides in Israel are out of business.
Whoever the tour company is that’s spreading this Gaza Experience is truly bait and switching these people. Personally. We would suggest Jerusalem, Chevron, Nazareth. The ancient sites. Maybe get Tel Aviv in there for the beach. Maybe go for a swim to Gaza to do some spying.
The people on the Flotilla came to spread peace and love to the Gazans. Bringing drugs, condoms, and cheers of “Death to America. Death to Israel.”
Israel gets in trouble for not letting the Flotilla in. New policy that people are fighting for is the idea that countries should only allow people that hate them in. Americans have been working real hard on enforcing this policy in their country.
 
Somehow, Gaza is still a topic. And every citizen of Gaza is a journalist.

Democrats support their candidate with a Nazi tattoo. It turns out that having a Nazi tattoo means you’re against Nazis. Bernie Sanders fully understands this. The real problem is Donald Trump.
 
And more Jews got beat up. Thought we would throw that in as a pick-me-up. 
 
Trump suggests Syria deal with Hezbollah. You need somebody in there that's going to attack Israel.
 
Displaced Lebanese is a problem. Displaced Israelis is not a problem. Another pick-me-up.

They don't understand why Israel attacks people who are shooting at them. Israel. A bunch of ceasefire breakers. Shooting back.
Are these people idiots?! These people that are talking want us gone. It's clear these people are all lying. Trying to come up with anything to get rid of Jews. Another pick-me-up.
 
Kill Jews is now something you’re allowed to say you want to do. It’s fine. As long as you’re not against terrorism.
Guy in LA got one year in jail for killing a Jew at a protest. Many people were mad that he got one year. Did the jury not realize he killed a Jew?!
That’s dark. Hope that’s another pick-me-up for you.
That’s the end of the pick-me-up section this month. Now let’s talk about Turkey.
 
Wait. Turns out Turkey doesn't like us either. 
Turkey foreign minister said “A burden that humanity can no longer bear. A problem the world needs to solve.” What is the problem? Jews. If we have to explain, you’re probably a genocidal colonizing. We ran out of words to say. Abby Martin has it down. She can help you curse Jews.
 
Democrats have voted “we hate Jews.” That’s their platform this election.
They backed off from Nazi tattoo guy, once they realized he was associated with rape. To quote, "He did not rape Jews. And to this, we are very much against him." 
Mamdani is still around, so you know there are problems in New York.
To finish off the message for the Democrats, Rahm Emanuel came to Israel to let his Jewish brothers and sisters know how much he hates them. 


Seems to be the new talk. Nobody can stand Jews. Jews are annoying. Everybody hates them. Seems like all of these anti-Semites have been to our shul. A bunch of members of our synagogue. We as a people have to stop taking our board meetings public.

Katz’s deli bans Mamdani. Hit them where it hurts. No pastrami on rye. That’s how you get them. And people say the Jews aren't fighting back.

A Fatwa was put out on Donald Trump. He wasn't included in the Fatwa on everybody.
​
Lindsey Graham passed away and left-wing people celebrate it, because he stood for peace and a great America. And that is racist.

JD Vance makes it clear that he hates Israel again. He’s extremely bothered that he has to keep on saying this. He wants everybody to know he hates Jews.  
Apparently, Israelis want to keep the war going indefinitely. Israelis love being attacked. And the reason this MOU, which Iran agreed to and did not follow through with, did not work, is because of Israel. Thought we would end on a pick-me-up.
Marco Rubio makes sense. So, we have nothing to say about him.

Conclusion
The Jews did it. Turns out we perpetrated the Spanish Inquisition and the Holocaust. Ask Candace Owens. And we are behind dog racing. Didn’t want to leave out Candace.
 
Jews will be blamed for whatever other people do. Which is why Rachel stops people who are drinking too much alcohol. She's driving home, she doesn't want to be caught for somebody else drinking and driving.

We counted eighty-four ceasefires. Ceasefires are very dangerous. That's when you have to watch yourself.

People truly hate us. And others are starting to believe them. And that is what is called politics.
This JNS TV stuff is a real downer. This proJewish news stuff can truly bring Jews down. We have to start watching more antisemitic news outlets to feel better about ourselves as Jews. As our grandfathers asked their friend reading Jew hating newspaper, “Why do you read Pravda?” “I read the Forward and we’re dying. They’re all trying to kill us. I read Pravda. We’re running the banks. We run the newspapers. We run the world. I feel better.”

Lindsey Graham, a man who stood for truth, justice and peace, should have an Aliyas Nishama, an ascendance of the soul. We hope that's not considered racist.

This is all messed up. This is all bizarre. How people are going for this Jew and Israel hate stuff. We hope this news is a good pick-me-up.
May this be a Tzom Moeel. And may we witness the redemption. We hope that’s not a genocidal thing to say.

Why did the holiday last fourteen days? It was Shavuot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A Shavua is a week. We’re celebrating Shavuot. Shavuot is two weeks. Shavuot really comes seven weeks after Pesach. Even though it's one or two days, it's still called Shavuot. Not Yomeet. Yom means day. Education. That's why we do these puns for the youth. It should be called Yomeeot.

The IRGC won’t negotiate. Though, they insist, they have 60% Iranian. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s uranium. They’re saying they have 60% Iranians. They’re Middle Eastern. It sounds the same to them. It’s their English. It's not very good. That's why the negotiations are going nowhere.
 
Jews in Denmark wait till Shkiyah (sunset) to eat their dessert, because it’s DayNisht. (Mordechai)
You get it? Danish. DayNisht. That's Yiddish for "not day." Danish, the pastry. Jews in Denmark speak Yiddish while eating Danish. A little known fact about the pastry that not many know. 

The doctor brought up the war in Iran. I didn’t know what to say, as I don’t follow the news. So, she gave me topical medication. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Topical. News. On top of the skin. The doctor prescribed political medication. Meds to help me with the news... Maybe the doctor was suggesting regular meds. I don’t know. Either way, it was topical. For the guy who had the rash, that’s what they were talking about that day.

Keebud Av vEim requires a child gets their parents snacks. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Keebud means refreshments. It also means to honor. Honor your parents. You honor your parents by going to the dessert table for them. Getting them cookies. Education. We here at the Kibbitzer are about teaching Mitzvot and how to approach a buffet.

The 17th of Tammuz went from dawn till night. Boy that was fast. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It’s a fast day. A quick fast day. It’s not like Tisha BAv that we start the night before. It's a fast fast. Tisha BAv is a slow day.

I got a great deal on Tzitzit. I was amazed. The salesperson said, “That’s the price. No strings attached.” (Mordechai)
You get it? Tzizit. Fringes. Strings. Tzizit need them attached.

​***Note: You've learned that Shavuot should be called a day and that Danish Jews eat Danish. And then we kept you up to date on politics. Explaining you can learn more about Iran with topical medication. It's all about education for us. For the children. And that’s why we focus on Mitzvot like Tzitzit with no strings attached.

Our scholar-in-residence will be addressing ways to take in Nachis from your untalented child.
It’s come to the committee’s attention that parents are expressing pride in how great their kids are. Your children are not. We know them. They role on the shul floor. Something is wrong with them. They’re messed up. Mrs. Simkovitz. Your child’s not good at basketball. Or music. Or Torah. Sometimes love is unconditional. Give them that and accept failure. Take in Nachis from the love you give your child who is bad at piano.
 
Many women in our congregation don’t say “Hi” or acknowledge people. They’re only being rude because they’re good Jews. The rabbi would like the members to know, it’s Halacha to be unfriendly.
 
Chesed Opportunities: A shul welcoming committee. We need volunteers. We ask no Frum girls that just got back from seminary help. They’re good Jews and focused on Torah, and not saying “Hi.”
 
Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Treating People Like Dreck. How to Take Nachis- An Art Form Mastered by Our Congregants. What To Do with Children That Accomplish Nothing- A More In Depth Look at How Mrs. Simkovitz Still Has Nachis. Welcoming People and How Smiling Makes You Less Frum- A Guest Speaker from Mrs. Simkovitz's Daughter's Seminary.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We have the most untalented kids in our congregation. Yet, every parent takes pride in these things. The Nachis. That's what love does. It puts on Nachis blinders. It's only the parents. The community takes no pride. I've never seen a community member shouting out, "We are so proud of the way our little ones drop their lollipops on the floor."

I have to hear this Nachis thing all the time from the parents.
“You’ve got to see my kid. Just went shopping and picked out a shirt.” Ugliest shirt. The kid is not even just not athletic. Can’t pick out a shirt right. It was a tennis shirt. Who wears a tennis shirt when it's not tennis?! Not Frum people.
These kids have no talent. The art coming out of the day school. What they do with papier-mâché. It's a sad sight. I see their work and a tear comes to my eye. It looks like a bunch of hardened balloons. That's what their art looks like. Porridge on a balloon. And these parents take pride in it. It makes me feel sad. The amount these parents have to work to find Nachis. I saw the piano recital. The child isn't even talented enough to sit still at the piano. Mrs. Simkovitz must feel so dumb paying for that.
Nachis is how they justify the amount they pay for the lessons. They look at their child, hurt real bad on the inside and say, "That's my Nachis." And then the cost of Jewish day school. The amount of times I had to hear these off-tune kids singing "Mah Nishtana."
The parents in our shul need to show less love. It just hurts to see the hoops they have to jump through to find Nachis.
And then they sell it. "My Sarah Bracha. Did you see her read the certificate for everyone at the graduation." This is what you're selling to me?! A horrific reading of a piece of paper. The worst kindergarten graduation I've ever seen. Sarah Bracha was pathetic.
 
The scholar-in-residence had nothing to do with Judaism. Just came to help our congregants feel better about their unsuccessful children. I wish the Feldberg parents much luck with their Nachis. The Feldberg son is still living at the house. That's the talent the mother Schepps the Nachis about with her 28-year-old. "Our son is so good. He picks up groceries sometimes."
 
The Frum women just come off as rude. I appreciate the rabbi for letting us know this is Halacha. I don't think I've ever been greeted in the shul by one of the religious ones that's not the rebbetzin.
Malkie was a nice girl and then she learned to be not friendly. The rabbis taught her that at seminary. Mrs. Simkovitz’s girl is good at not being friendly. That’s something to take Nachis in. And rightfully so, she told me, "My girl is very holy. She can't associate with people like you."

​It seems to be a new thing, where religious women feel closer to Gd by being people who don't smile. A serious look of judgment. They have given me that. Maybe that's their greeting. To say, "You are going to Gehenim. Hell. That's what you represent."
 
At the welcoming committee meeting, they decided that not one Frum woman can be on it. I believe the whole shul is trying to figure out why they ignore everybody. They truly do. They especially ignore men. They're very good at it. How they meet and decide on marriage is beyond me.
I didn't know women were supposed to be ignored too. I guess it’s practice. SheLo Lishma Ba Lishma. When you do something not for the sake of the Mitzvah, it helps when you need to do the Mitzvah. They do it with the women so they can be better at being rude to the men. And they’re very good at it.
I think it has to do with my level of Frumkite, Jewish religiousness. If you only keep Shabbis and Kosher, it's as if you're a heretic. Which makes you just as Asur to talk to as a man. I asked the rabbi if that was the case, and he said it's my short sleeves. "It's because you wear short sleeves during the summer. You're a heretic. It's too bad your mom passed away. She would've at least taken Nachis in you."
If somebody was wearing a tennis shirt, I would understand not saying hi to that heretic. It's also the way those things fit. They're always tight. It's unbecoming. It's very uncomfortable to talk to people in tennis shirts. 

And it turns out, Pinchas is still single and can't find a girl to talk to in the shul.

The 22nd Maccabiah Games, known as the Jewish Olympics, are going on in Israel right now. I didn’t know about the first twenty-one. But they happened. And it turns out there are thousands of Jewish athletes. That’s good to know. Looking at my shul, I didn’t think there were Jews that exercise.
This whole Maccabiah Games is a beautiful thing. Jews should also get the chance to feel like they’re good at sports. They have the Paralympics Games, Youth Olympic Games, Special Olympics. Why should we not have an Olympics for Jews. People who are hard of keeping in shape.
The Maccabiah Games stand for Jewish identity, unity in heated competition and fights with Argentinians. Let us explore some of the beauty of this event that brings the community together, known as the Jewish Olympics for the husky and portly athlete. Our Jewish way of paying homage to hedonism and the Greek culture of the Hellenists that we don't give proper respect to on Chanukah. 

We Need Our Nation Together
Anything to get Jews to Israel. That's what I say. 
There are five thousand athletes at the Maccabiah this year, which is down from ten thousand in 2022. Five thousand athletes, from around thirty-five countries, that didn't make the Olympics. And some of those go to my JCC. Max Hyneman. I've never seen that guy move. Just the Shvitz. Sits in the Shivtz. That was his training. 
The Maccabiah was supposed to happen last year. Didn’t happen because of the 12 Day War. This is what Iran and Hezbollah do. They ruin Jewish programming.
I was going to go to Israel last summer myself. Iran truly kills summer plans. And then I was going to go this summer. Flights are crazy high. Iran and EL AL ruin summer plans. If the war would’ve been six days, we could’ve gotten some of the games last summer.
The 2022 games were postponed from 2021 due to COVID. At The Kibbitzer, we are beginning to think that the Maccabiah is bad luck. You want something bad to happen, plan the Maccabiah. 

The tagline for this year's Maccabiah is "More Than Ever." As Bibi expressed its beautiful message of unification of Israel and Diaspora Jewry, to mock the fact that there are less athletes than ever.

The Opening Event
It turns out many Olympians have competed in the Maccabiah, and people came to see them at the opening ceremonies. Nobody ever saw the compete. But they saw them at the ceremony. That’s what we like watching.
This is why people go to the Maccabiah. The flags, Israeli music, speakers. It's a Jewish community event, with a parade. When it comes to Israel, Jews love ceremonies and parades. The New York Israel Day Parades, Yom HaAtzmaut Parades, Gay Pride Parades. Put flags in there and it’s a ceremony. We love it.
It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. It's a chance for Jews to come together and shmooze while somebody is talking. A sermon about Israel, with flags. Unity.

Nobody cares about the sports. We love the opening event and whatever ceremonies they do where they put the ribbon on people. We love seeing that person who wins getting honored. It’s like a community dinner and you don’t even have to give a donation. You just do the honoring part. Could care less about the competition.

​They had Tons of flags. Love it. That's what the Jewish Olympics should be. Israeli flags.
You could see huge Israeli flag at the opening ceremony stage.  The Israeli president and prime minister gave speeches. And I'm beginning to think Israel has an unfair advantage. A very strong home court advantage. I feel like this Maccabiah is rigged.
And for the anthem, for every Jew that wins, they play their nation's song. "Hatikvah."
It’s rigged. Rigged for Jewish unity.

The Sporting Events
It turns out they had sports competitions too. So, let’s talk about them. Nobody cared, but they had them. The opening parade was over. Iran, the PA and Hezbollah didn’t ruin it. Trump worked out another ceasefire for us.

The inclusive and unifying sports include:
Soccer. To ensure America loses.
Golf for people over sixty-five, so that people who can afford flights come to Israel.
Fencing. You never know what kind of armament Iran will resort to. We need people ready to fight. Iran has no navy and now the US is fighting against rowboats. Once we blow up their munitions, Hezbollah might pull out swords. 
Futsal, which is soccer again. To give Argentina another win.
Pickleball. At least somebody has accepted that a lot of Jews are showing. Jews don't like to move when playing sports. Our people don't want to break a sweat with athletics.
And we have Chess. I always asked how chess was considered a sport. It's the Israeli lobby in America. This is AIPAC's influence. This is where the seven thousand dollars goes.
Beach football. Another sport. Argentina needed another metal. All of Buenos Aires comes to the Maccabiah. Got to give them something.
Rugby. Have to have a sport for each country. Australia and South Africa deserve something.
No cricket or baseball. They wanted to be diplomatic. And they didn't want to give America a win.
Marathon. To see if anybody can finish in under five hours.
Squash. There's a guy showing up who plays it. He knows the rules. Give him a medal.
And tons of sports for 35 and over. These are the guys from my JCC. And not even the non-Jews. Not being Jewish is an unfair advantage. And that is why we have the Jewish Olympics.
No floor hockey. They don't want American Yeshiva boys showing up.

In the essence of Torah, I noticed that they keep the games not hedonistic, ensuring that we allow extremely out of shape people to compete. B"H we make everybody keep on their clothes.

Conclusion
We need people coming to Israel. This is why I support the Maccabiah. Not for the competition. I don't need to see the Jewish over sixty-five-year-olds losing their breath in The Marathon, while walking. We need the Jewish Olympics for touring. Really should've just had a Maccabiah Birthright tour.
I wish it would’ve been three weeks of opening ceremonies. That would be something to watch.

There are some great athletes competing, and that should bring our people some pried. They're the product of intermarriage, and questionable genealogy. The rabbis are looking into this.

And again, sports bring Jewish pride and our people together. Due to the message of unity, some athletes decided not to compete. Instead, they just hugged. Seeing them hug, spectators thought it was another judo match.
And Israel ended up winning. In Israel. This thing is rigged.

It should be noted that there are bottles of suntan lotion at all events, including indoor futsal. The mothers made it clear they don’t want their children being exposed to the sun. The Jewish mothers should not be worried. And the Maccabiah committee also wants to make it clear that their little balls of Nachis will not be Shvitzing.
In the end, the Charedi rabbis are against the Maccabiah. To quote, "Jewish boys and Jewish girls should not be playing futsal. Even if they're not playing it under the table, it's not modest."

I have a lot more to say.
Last week we focused on how much we hate men. We want to thank Elias Sacks for making it clear that you can still call a woman a woman, if it doesn’t offend people. Now I shall give you my full thoughts on the new JPS Gender Sensitive Tanakh, the RJPS and what I think should’ve been done. Please see Part I, so you have the basis for which to also complain about the JPS’s new version.
And here are my problems with sensitivity.

Your Rabbi’s Conclusion and Critique
I definitely have issues with this whole inclusivity thing. Next thing you know, congregants like me. Then they feel comfortable asking me questions. 
 
JPS just went to the next level. Could've said it was a Tanakh version where Gd is translated as Gd, as Gd doesn't have a gender, unless if we're talking about Gd's attributes or using anthropomorphism for us to connect. And they could’ve left the translation of “King” as “King.” That would make sense to me. As a king is a king and the Hebrew word for king is king. Catch this. Some things don’t make sense when you degenderize them. Such as my niece. And she is still my niece.

This inclusiveness offends me. And it belittles the Tanach by loading the title with terms like "Gender Sensitive."
Torah is not sensitive, and this attempt doesn’t help any person who believes in Torah. And I’m stuck trying to figure out why they call it The Gender Sensitive Tanakh. That's the "jarring" language. Must be that the idea of the RJPS Tanakh is to have a Bible out there for people who don’t like gender. A version of the Tanakh for non-religious people who won't read it.
Call it the 2026 Version. Or Tanakh for People Who Don't Like What Gd Thinks. Your rabbi would be fine with that.
I appreciate the idea that Gd can’t be defined as female or male. But are people that stupid that we need to translate the Tanakh incorrectly?!

We’re trying to make Gd more connectable, so we need a Tanakh that says Gd doesn't have any characteristics. A Tanach that doesn’t have the Tanach. “Scholars” should know that we can’t understand Gd. The fact that Gd throws us a bone by letting us feel like He has a hand, let the Torah give us that. It’s better than worshipping Baal.
 
We Need Other Versions
The JPS needs to be more inclusive. If they're going to do it right, they need more versions. There are so many people that are beyond gender. What about people that are beyond feelings. People that are beyond identification. Age. Age can totally mess people up. Nobody should be defined by how old they are. Numbers are very restrictive. 
JPS feels it's important to connect with the contemporary reader. Which means an American who hates identity and loves communism, and oppression of Jews. Father and Mother are too gender specific for Torah, as that supports the idea of family, and family is offensive to the contemporary reader. There should be The Communist JPS Version for those with Russian ancestry who miss the USSR. And for those who are feeling left out due to their Jew hatred, we need a The Revised Anti-Semite Version. Or The Revised JPS Version of Intolerance.
And what about those that don't believe in Gd? I still feel bad for those people. The Torah is not very inclusive of them. There is very little Baal in the Torah for the idol worshipping Torah fans. We need a The No God JPS Version. As long as "The" is in the title, I’m fine with the version.
The modern reader should be allowed to connect in their way. The way they want. That is the message of the RJPS. We need more versions. A version for everybody. It's already mid-2026. It’s been six months since that other version. We need "fresh eyes" on the Torah. The JPS Journal Tanakh where you get to write the Bible how you like. The JPS Coloring Book Tanakh. The Tickle Me Elmo Version of the Tanakh. We definitely need more of an array of The Heretic Tanakhs. Until we have these new editions out, the atheist will have to refer to Gd as "Gd." And that’s offensive.
The Atheist Sensitive Tanakh. That’s a seller. The Bible definitely does not do its job speaking to the atheist population.
There should be a The Muslim Brotherhood JPS Version put out for the contemporary reader who wants to bomb Israel and massacre the Jews. 
This is what "Gender Sensitive" in the title does. It mocks the simple idea they present of keeping Gd a little vague. For them to be vaguer in their translation is an argument, allowing for commentary. And that is fine, as we need more sources to allow us to argue with people who have no idea what they're talking about. We also need to give the Christian missionaries more sources to prove Jesus. Now they're going to be coming to us with proof that Jesus is “the person” of Gd. “Written right there in the RJPS version. It says ‘persons.’”

Final Thoughts
The Torah has to be the Torah. To me, that makes sense.
If they would just call it The Vague Version, I would be all in. It's the agenda behind the name that has me questioning if Moshe really said it. I never heard Moshe say "Gender Sensitive." Maybe when he suggested that the plague that slaughtered thousands of Jews in the desert wasn’t the worst thing, he was being a bit sensitive.
This "inclusiveness" is all loaded and it makes no sense. What kind of religion doesn’t allow you the joy of hating people.
 
Grapes of Wrath needs a new translation. Do people do it? Do people say "Tom Joad is jarring. We're going to change his name." Only "Drag Story Hour" does that. We need a JPS Drag Version for those who want to see humankind that way in nursery school.
Only the Bible is allowed to be constantly rewritten. Call it the JPS Commentary for People Who Have Their Thoughts.
Give it a few days, they're going to have to come out with a 2027 version, where referring to Gd as Gd is offensive. Somebody might have a thought, and we'll have to change the Bible again. The 2027 version of the JPS. The JJPS. The Jewish JPS Tanakh. The new version where the Torah is translated as the Torah. A version where somebody finally explains what a Tetragrammaton is.

The Gedolei Hador, the great rabbis of our generation, need to connect more with the contemporary reader. 
 
Get rid of the “Gender Sensitive” and your agenda. Call it a commentary and I’ll be fine. You did say that you made it a point to translate the words incorrectly. And that makes people feel better. “I love this Bible. Now I love the Tanakh. They totally botched it. Nothing like the original. Now it speaks to me.”
Commentaries are great when they make sense. And most commentaries mess up words. Listen to any of my sermons and you’ll see how supportive I am of mistranslating the Torah.

What we’re seeing here is the importance of the original language. To have a normal Torah, we need to get rid of the English. Have the Tanach in Hebrew only, so that we can be male chauvinistic as a people again. ​Something so that I can learn Torah again. A Torah where I don’t have to feel bad about offending Bethanie and her feelings about her recent breakup.
Thank Gd. If that's what I'm supposed to do to Him. Shoot. I messed this sentence up already. Thank The Eternal, they're not changing the Hebrew Bible. They tried, but they had a hard time changing the Hebrew in English.
Elias does say, "It's absolutely not the case that we're changing the Hebrew of the Tanach." Thank you for being sensitive and allowing Hebrew to be a language.

The goal is to "open up the Bible's world to the 21st century readers." And to let people know there’s an issue. It's old. That’s the issue with the Torah. It’s old. Stephen King didn’t write it. And I personally am changing the author to every Stephen King book. His name is jarring.
It's definitely not for Yeshiva guys. It's not offensive enough. I’m thinking the Yeshiva Bachurs are going to stick the Artscroll version. No issues with the translation. There we know it’s totally wrong. The Gender Insensitive Version for the Yeshiva Bachurs. Artscroll beat the JPS to that.

It’s their agenda and their new name. Torah with adjectives in the title is not Torah. I don't know if Gd should be going through an identity crisis. But now He is. You’re not going to get me to stop calling Gd “He.”
The Bible is supposed to offend people. The Gender Sensitive JPS Version is pandering to people who are not male chauvinists. And that is Biblically offensive.
 
All in all. Other than the Adam thing and the words that are feminine and masculine not staying feminine and masculine, I have no problem with the RJPS. See how I put the female before the male. Shoot. I probably just offended somebody again.
Call it a commentary, explain what a Tetragrammaton is, and which Transformer it’s part of, and I am fine with it.

​For the Jewish Publication Society's Tour of the RJPS with Elias go to Youtube.
Thank Gd somebody came around to fix His mistakes. Gd was never good at writing in English.

Ceasefire- a) Iran and Hamas are allowed to shoot. Sentence: 'There’s a ceasefire. Hezbollah is attacking.' Response: 'As long as we stopped.' b) Israel is not allowed to defend itself. See Hezbollah for when ceasefire means to shoot rockets at Israel. Also see American and European news outlets for people who get mad when Jews aren’t being killed. c) A chance for Iran to load up their weapons and attack.

Blech- a) Platah. A Yiddish to Hebrew translation is good enough for us. If you need more help on this word, you can purchase an Eliezer Ben Yehuda edition of the Hebrew dictionary. That’s a helpful place to look to find out what words mean. b) Usually, a metal sheet used to cover the flames of the stovetop on Shabbis and to burn your hand. Sentence: ‘You sure the Blech is stopping this soup from cooking on Shabbis? The liquid is boiling and my palm is scorched.’
 
Tatteh- Also Tattee. This dialect for ‘Dad’ makes you Frum. Like using a Yiddish phrase in the middle of conversation. Example: ‘We going biking later. Vismachsteh.’ Leaving out an important word from the English language, such as ‘are,’ makes this statement ultra religious. Have your child throw in Tatteh when you go to The Mountains for the summer, and they will know you can identify good pizza. Frum Jews know where to get pizza.
 
Ganiv/im- Thieves and people that charge for services. Sentence: ‘The Ganiv installs the oven and then he charges $450.’ Another Sentence: ‘I brought the car to the garage and the Ganiv charges for parts and labor.’ See Anti-Semites for mechanics and people who charge for their work. Jew haters.

We want to thank David Kilimnick for blaming his inability to find a good deal on antisemitism. Making it harder on us as Jews to be liked. We also appreciate his understanding of how cooking on Shabbis works. There's got to be a better dictionary out there.

We will have a community viewing of the World Cup, as it's an embarrassment to have our Jewish community members showing up to games rooting for the wrong teams. Jews should not be rooting for the French and Egyptian team. Or wearing their flags. If our community had any understanding of geopolitics, we wouldn't have idiots supporting the downfall of Israel and America.
At the viewing, we ask that nobody asks what is happening. We understand that none of you know. Let’s keep it that way. There’ll be schnapps to help deal with Rachel, who is still confused as to what football is.
There will also be no Tehillim for any of the teams.

The rabbi is available for all Jewish lifecycle events. This includes, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, people who turn 38 that nobody cares about, funerals, times you look at your kids in disappointment, moments where you see your child who brings you no Nachis. The rabbi is also now charging for keeping your marriage together.
 
Chesed Opportunities: July 4th Celebration security volunteers needed. We need to make sure people at the local parade are just shooting fireworks and not shooting at Jews.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why It's Dangerous to Go to Soccer Games and Other Reasons for Pogroms in Europe. Sports Jews Love Other Than Floor Hockey. Why Nobody Cares Brian Turned 38- What Pathetic and Out of Shape Looks Like in Jewish Law. Law of the Land in Jewish Law- Can You Attack Jews if Your Mayor Supports It. Does a Member of Our Shul Working Security in Our Community Keep Us Safe- A Discussion as to Whether or Not Chaya Rivka Bayla and Maurice Ethelman should have a gun.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
Our community is full of idiots. They don't get it. You root for countries that like you in the World Cup. You don't root for colors you like.
In the end, they showed up to watch the World Cup for the schnapps. That's why our members show up to events. For the drinks. They wouldn't have been at Penina's Bat Mitzvah if there was no bar. And between us, they were so drunk they had no idea it was a dry bar. The amount you have to drink at a dry bar to get drunk. The amount of Shirley Temples they drank at that Bat Mitzvah. Eighteen bottles of grenadine. 
There was no Minyin the day of the shul World Cup program either. If they would serve schnapps at weekday Minyin, people might show up. Schnapps and a video. You need the two. This is why people like the Zoom service thing. It’s on video and you can drink in your house without having to worry about getting pulled over.
World Cup. Don't even know it's a soccer tournament. Michel had no idea it was a world tournament.

It's the same for all sporting events. Our congregants show up for schnapps. We don't do beer like normal sports fans. I can't go to games with them. It's embarrassing. Showing up to football matches, doing Lechayims on cherry schnapps in the parking lot. It just looks bad. And then to have our community screaming "Oy!" when they miss a goal.
We have to have community shows as it's a Chilul H' to have people that know nothing about sports. It's a whole community who haven't acclimated. Not even to basketball. The only thing they know about baseball games is you have to show up with the schnapps and herring in a paper bag.
Every sporting event is like this. Even little league baseball. They show up and drink and talk. It's a Jewish thing in our community, where every event is Kiddish.
It's beautiful to show up as who we are. As Jews. But when the Topeka Tourniquets were losing the baseball game, we didn't have to break into Tehillim groups. They lost the game, and we lost some members who now don't believe H' has a pull in double Single-B baseball.

No Nachis is a lifecycle event every family in our shul celebrates. It happens when they realize their child has no chance. The Felsenblums celebrate the No Nachis event six times for Shloimi.
Lifecycle event I had recently was I threw up.
The rabbi is just trying to make more money off us. He's celebrating everything. He realizes how much funerals pay. He wants to find ways to monetize more lifecycle events.
He’s complained that Bat Mitzvahs don’t pay enough. He’s aiming for more money. And thus, he needs more events. And this is how Peewee soccer has made it into a Jewish lifecycle event. Mothers sitting with juice packets is a Jewish lifecycle event now.
To quote the rabbi, “Anywhere you can drink schnapps, it’s a Jewish lifecycle event. And you have to pay me to run it.” He’s also started charging for himself to show up to Kiddish. He’s making money off his celebrity status.
Drinking while watching the World Cup. The rabbi charged for that and said it was Jewish. Now as a communal lifecycle event, every four years we celebrate Israel not making the World Cup.

The rabbi realized that there is a lot of money in keeping people from getting divorced nowadays. Nonetheless, nobody hired him. When they heard his price, people decided it was financially beneficial to annul the marriages.
 
There have been many attacks on Jews in America. Not one of them has to do with the World Cup. It turns out that soccer is the least violent sport in America. In America, soccer fans are extremely pleasant. 
Due to this, our local Jewish Security Council insisted that all Jewish mothers have their children take up soccer and violin. There has been violence against local Jewish kids at violin. However, the security council insists it's safer than taking viola. They also insist Jewish children not show up to band practice where there are tubas. To quote Racheli, "Tubas hurt."
Antisemitism is up, and thus attendance at Jewish day school is up. The rabbi doesn't want to slow down the flow of anti-Semites. It also keeps Jews from eating out at Wendy's with Kippahs on. 
It is scary. Now the government supports attacking Jews. Mamdani in New York supports it. Democrats all over support it. And yet, I still have to see Bernie at shul. 
And nobody volunteered to serve and protect. They did eat hot dogs though. And they drank schnapps.

Law of the Land in Jewish Law class was well attended. If it was Jewish laws they had to keep, they wouldn't do it. The fact that it's American laws they have to keep, they're happy to do it. The one law of the Torah every congregant in our shul keeps is driving under the speed limit. After much study into antisemitism, it turns out this is the main reason people hate Jews. They're driving too slow.

And not one mention of Brian's 38th. People still don't care. In the community's defense, he didn't offer anybody schnapps. You want a Mazel Tov, you bring schnapps.

This is the review and it will take a while. In Part I, we will first focus on what the JPS presented. In Part II we will focus on my conclusion as your rabbi. Things take a while when you have to be sensitive. When have to explain that Gd is not as you explained Him. When you have to do something impossible and make people feel good about the Bible.
 
​JPS put out The Gender Sensitive Tanakh for the modern man, the RJPS version. I just said man. Already messed up. I'm never going to get this down. I spent too many years in Yeshiva. Wait. It's the Bible for the modern person. Now we can do this review.
We're living in an age where everybody has an identity issue. Some people don't know if they're man or woman. Why should Gd be left out.
Thus, the JPS has taken it upon themselves to rewrite the Torah. They decided to rewrite Gd's word. To be honest, if Gd knew of gender neutrality, He would've been more sensitive. He wouldn't have thrown in some of those commandments about pilgrimage holidays. He would’ve left out Mikvahs and went for pools. Pools are more gender sensitive. Pools with mixed swimming. Mixed swimming in bikinis. Unisex bikinis are gender sensitive. Point is, He would've called Adam "Adamah." Or "Ariel." Ariel is quite gender neutral. Shabbat. He would've let us do without that. Shabbat is quite gender specific.
If Gd would've known that people don't identify as men or women, He would’ve thought about His wording a little more. He would’ve gotten it right, and we wouldn’t have had to revise this thing.
There is language used in the Chumash. And that is offensive. Language is offensive. Gd is offensive. And Moshe was offensive when he called the Jews a nation. To use the word "nation." Not necessarily sensitive. "Persons." Persons says nation to me.
And so, we see that gender sensitive people need a new Bible.

I watched the video with Elias Sacks for help. YouTube. Elias gave a beautiful tour of The Gender Sensitive Tanakh on YouTube. And that’s what I call research. Hence, this is all scientific.
Before we go on, Elias made sure to note that this version of the Torah is not gender neutral. It's gender sensitive. So, I have misunderstood what the new JPS Tanakh is. Now I know. And I don’t know the difference between gender neutral and sensitive. It's definitely a more emotional Bible.
Before we go on, it must be stated, Elias made it clear, they are only rewriting the English Tanach. I was hoping for a new version of the Hebrew text. It turns out JPS will not be doing that anytime soon. Gd’s word in Hebrew is the same. The Hebrew version is still allowed to be offensive. As Israelis are very offensive. And I am now offended as an Israeli. But we are not here to talk about the Israeli Sensitive Tanach. A Tanach where people can pronounce Tanach. We are here to review the new JPS version.
 
The Review of What Elias Showed
Let's hear what Elias says.
Elias explains the new Tanakh is translated for "contemporary readers." JPS is focused on those readers. They’re not focused on archaic readers. Readers from the fifth to eighth century is not their focus.
This is why they changed the JPS Torah. The Torah has been the same since 1985. It's getting old. Crazy old. Outdated. Who's watching Cheers Anymore?! 
The 1985 version as opposed to the 1312 BCE version. The 1312 BCE English version has been revised countless times.
How many times is JPS going to change the Bible? I can't tell you. They haven't put out the racist version yet.

The 1985 version of the Bible translates Gd as a "Him." Who translates the Hebrew word “Oto” as “Him”? Other than Israelis and people who understand Hebrew, nobody does that.  
I always thought Gd was a guy. That seems to be a problem. Growing up in Yeshiva, I thought "he" was gender neutral. I thought "he" was a sensitive way to describe "him." I was wrong.
Yeshiva education is messed up. It turns out that the masculine form of the Hebrew language doesn’t always include women. And I have to stop referring to women as guys.

Elias explains that at points they use "person" or "them," as opposed to "woman" or "man." Which makes it harder to figure out who to date. Nonetheless, you refer to a person in plural form in gender neutral language. As gender neutral people are usually heavier. And fat shaming is fine in neutral people. You can always learn something new. And that’s what the RJPS version is here for.

They got rid of mankind. They erased mankind. Somebody had to do it. Our politicians haven’t succeeded yet. Elias says, "We try to avoid saying man or mankind." Adam as mankind in Bereishit is not good anymore. "Humanity" is how it’s expressed nowadays in many settings, such as when talking to heretics. And heretics are contemporary.
Truth is I can't stand mankind. They suck. Maybe humankind can do better. I’m still for "Ariel." Ariel covers every them.

Using masculine language "can sound jarring. It can sound intentional... can feel jarring unnatural disconcerting to emphasize the maleness." Which is a quote Elias stole from his wife.
And I hate men too. And that is why they are using gender neutral language intentionally. I hate men. Why should Gd be associated with those people. You see how used "people." I'm starting to get a hold of this.
It's wrong. "Deliberately casting Gd as male." Men bring a bad name on themselves. Gd doesn't need that reputation.

Elias expresses that Gd is beyond gender according to many scholars. I would agree. And thus, I am a scholar. "Some contemporary readers experience Gd as encompassing multiple genders. Not just male or female." Now I’m confused, like Gd. 
So Gd is she/they/thou/them/him/her/their/hers/his. Gd is a Forward Slash. And I think Gd is now offended. See how I capitalized “forward slash.”
Please don't tell me the RJPS stopped capitalizing Gd, because capitals are not gender sensitive.
They took out "King." King is male sounding. If you don’t get this by now, you’re an insensitive racist who hates people. Using King for Gd is a problem. Gd is just Gd. Somebody should’ve told this to Gd when He wrote the Torah and called Himself King. But need not worry, we’ll correct His mistakes.
They Might want to change Gd to "+." The attributes of Gd should be vague for the contemporary reader. Preciseness is offensive. I think Plus Sign says it all. Pluses and Forward Slashes.
The RJPS version allows the atheist to read "Gd" however they like.

Wait. Take that back. They are not using any pronouns for Gd. And no "they" either. But somebody can interpret Gd as "they" if they like. Though. The plus sign might stand. Maybe in the next version. My idea. That’s my interpretation.

They got rid of "Lord" as that also sounds male, and we hate men. All of us contemporary readers can agree we hate men, and we love the WNBA.
The Tetragrammaton is sometimes referred to as “Gd” or “The Eternal.” That makes sense, if I knew what the Tetragrammaton was. In the next version, maybe they should focus on translating Tetragrammaton into English. No idea what that means.

Later in his presentation Elias does make it clear that gender language is sometimes fine, and I appreciate that. Like when referring to a guy, you can say they're a guy. You can refer to a woman as a woman, if she's a woman. Though it might be illegal in certain states.

Elias realized they needed to go through the Tanach with "fresh eyes." The last three thousand five hundred years wasn't enough. It needed fresh eyes. Gd might have forgotten something. The fresh eyes looked at Bereishit 1:26-27 and decided that Adam should be translated as "humankind." And that is why I call my Israeli friend "Humankind."
Between us, this is really a discussion about Gd. And anybody who thinks Gd is a dude is an idiot.

There are other offensive words in the Bible, but Elias did not focus on them. Personally, I am going to skip the word "Behalotcha." I don't like it. It sounds jarring just to say it.

I want to thank Elias Sacks for giving the tour of the RJPS over in a soft intimate gender sensitive undertone. Thank you for making it sound not male. That would've been jarring.
At this point, we can all agree we hate men. And we all needed a new Bible to express that.

As Jews, how do we actually practice our faith over the summer?
We sweat, we complain about how much we sweat, we hold off on installing an air conditioner in shul because in 1958, the great-grandfather of the kid who works at Best Buy said something about how his mother’s schnitzel was better than the great-great-grandmother of the current board president’s schnitzel. We then get old, move to Florida, where we sweat all year long, complain about how cold it is inside, and then we die. There is nothing religiously positive about the summer months.
The impact of not installing an air conditioner has created a butterfly effect on the Jewish experience. It’s too hot in the synagogue, so service attendance is down. We ship our kids off to Jewish overnight camp, so they can experience a lack of air conditioning in exotic and remote places like the Poconos. The only holidays we have consist of broken walls and cannibalism. It’s the only time of year when conversion is tempting. If I were to become a Whirling Dervish, at least all that spinning would keep the July heat at bay.
 
This isn’t a challenge only facing Judaism. Christianity has nothing over the summer heat as well. However, they came up with the brilliant strategy to start celebrating Christmas in July. When you have one holiday that lasts months, the need for new content is significantly lower. You can dream of a White Christmas at the beach if you click on the right Spotify channel. You have hope of gifts. You don’t feel the need to convert.
The Torah confirms it! The summer is when we read Devarim, and it reads like a latter-season episode of Friends. Nothing new happening. Just clips of flashbacks of Joey being confused about something. It’s Moses saying, “Remember when we walked through the desert? That was cool.” And “Don’t forget about that time that you complained about making bricks out of mud and straw, that sucked.” These are the episodes you can skip when binge-watching and know you didn’t miss anything. Devarim is Moses saying, “Take the summer off, you’ll be fine come September. I won’t be here, but here are the Cliff’s Notes if you need a refresher.”
 
So, what can we do to inject some Jewish excitement, Jewish pride into these dormant summer months? The easy answer would be to buy a central air system for the sanctuary, but if we wait for board approval, it may take another 2000 years.
It’s time to do something to revolutionize our religion. Something to keep our Jewish people wanting to be Jewish, when nobody is willing to pay for air conditioning. Traditions that bring us some Nachis.
 
Here is what I propose:
 
New Prayer for Those Driving to the Shore - Tefilat Haderech for the NJ Turnpike.
May it be Your will, Lord our Gd and Gd of our fathers, that You should lead us in peace and direct our cruise control in peace, and guide us in peace, and support us in peace, and cause us to reach the shore without having an aortic event because the Toyota in front of us has maintained a speed of ten miles below the speed limit, despite being in the left lane. Save us from every EZ-Pass malfunction and flat tire along the way, and from all kinds of road rage, and whatever that smell is when you enter the state of New Jersey. May You send blessing upon our gas tanks and grant me grace, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us floor it to change lanes at the last minute to make the exit ramp, because we lost track of where we were while zoning out the complaints of our teenage children. And may You hear the sound of our supplication, for You are Gd who hears prayer and supplication. Blessed are You, Lord, who hears prayer. And may our AC work. Amen.
 
New Summer Holiday
Now, we already have a holiday dedicated to the Sun called Birkat Hachamah, but that only happens every 28 years. I don’t know about you, but I see the sun practically every day, so maybe we should have Hachamah Hakatan that happens every month of Tamuz. You ask how we celebrate such a holiday.
Between Lag B’Omer and Hachamah Katan, it is forbidden for men to shave their backs. There is no better way for a family to get ready for the pool or the beach than shearing off Dad’s back fur.
We celebrate this holiday starting at night, so nobody has to see Dad in the pool. That will turn people off from Judaism.
Rather than dipping into a pool, on Hachamah Hakatan, you soak in a reservoir of naturally running water. Makes it more Jewish.
The Halacha has been amended by many mothers who decreed that all traditions of Hachama Hakatan must be practiced around a vat of SPF 50 suntan lotion. 
 
New Food
Latkas, matzoh brie, hamantaschen, none of these scream summer fun in the Poconos. We need foods that capture the season and the seasoning of Judaism.
Thus, Hachama Hakatan will have its own summer holiday menu. As the saying goes: They tried to kill us, we won, let's go to camp in the Poconos.
Foods are: Sour pickled hot dogs. Frozen borscht popsicles. A tall glass of Etrogade. And brisket.
 
It is already 5786, but we are still treating the Summer the same way we did back in 0086. Judaism is a vibrant, living religion. We need to treat it as such, even when it’s 102 degrees outside and 153 under the beating light of the Ner Tamid. So please join me in making this summer one Jews cand take pride in. Something to keep our young Jews in the fold.

The Three Weeks begin this Wednesday night. The rabbi said that nobody has to raise their level of mourning in our shul.
To quote: “It’s depressing enough in this shul. Nobody has ever felt as much sadness as having to Daven with the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Each day with you, I mourn the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.”
 
This week we celebrate wellness in our shul with Wellness Shabbat, as none of you are well. We’re going to be focusing on Bernie and the women with huge hats, who’ve been frowning since 1986.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Talking to Bernie and the Smug Frowning Hat Women. Keeping their attention is a great act of kindness to the rest of the congregants that can’t deal with them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Art of Bringing Down Everybody Else in Shul with Our Congregants. The Art of Sadness and Having to Deal with Our Congregants. Wellness and How to Keep Healthy by Staying Away from Our Membership. Mental Health and How You Stole it From Me. How Hard Chesed Is When You're in a Community Like Ours- A Mental Health Session.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
“It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.” No truer words have ever been spoken. You see the members of our shul and you want to move to Jerusalem. Or anywhere else.
It’s always Tisha BAv. If you ever had the egg salad at Kiddish, you would understand. It's disgusting. Our egg salad should be marketed as the Seudah Mafseket. The meal of sadness before Tisha BAv. Our egg salad and sitting with one of our members will get anybody into the Tisha BAv mood.
I don't think I've seen a smile since last Tisha BAv. Tisha BAv is a pick-me-up in our congregation. 
The rabbi went on in his sermon, "The Three Weeks between the sadness is a time of hardship and struggle. Every day at our shul is a struggle. Every time I sit with the board, it's hardship. You, my congregants, are hardship and struggle. You are the Diaspora. If there is one positive thing in Moshe's life, it's that you were not his congregants... But you were there. We were all there at Sinai. And you are the reason for Tisha BAv." I was so touched. Nobody could've put down Sarah Bracha like the rabbi did. Our congregation is the reason. I told the rabbi how much I appreciated him expressing my feelings.
 
What is Wellness Shabbat? Is that a commandment? I truthfully had no idea we had to be well. If being well was a Mitzvah, our congregation is full of a bunch of sinners.
Over Wellness Shabbat we spoke of mental illness, and they brought in examples from our congregation. Which meant the rabbi had a chance to go off on every single congregant's quirks. This included Chaim breathing through his nose. Which somehow bothers the rabbi. Cheryl using her finger to follow along in the Siddur also very much angers the rabbi. Lin not showing up to shul, the rabbi likes that.

It's the hats. That's it. That's why everybody frowns all the time. It's the hats and the Tisha BAv mood they all love. There's something about huge hats that has these women walking around all smug. The need to balance the Jewish fascinator brim hats, along with the weight, causes that look.

Bernie is annoying. I think that was the discussion of Wellness Shabbat. How do we deal with him? Him, Bernie, being our problem. That's where the rabbi was steering the conversation. Bernie and big hats.

The Jewish Family Services therapists should've focused their discussion of mental health on how to stay away from our membership. It doesn't take more than five minutes to come up with that diagnosis.
The therapists walked away from the group sessions not feeling well. In response to the Wellness Shabbat, the therapists suggested that for our mental health we all go to another shul.

Everybody in our religion has problems. That's what I garnered from the rabbi's message. And we all have OCD. That's what the Gabai who can't get a name right said of Jews. You call them up for an Aliyah, get their dad's name right. And then the therapists piggybacked on the OCD thing. They saw business opportunity in religious Jews being Midakdek. Being precise about what you do is a disease nowadays.
OCD is a good thing. That's what I say. It keeps people religious. Keeping Mitzvahs takes OCD. "I have to wake up on time for Shacharit." "I can't tie my right shoelace first. I'm not going to Gehenim." "We have to vacation in Florida this winter." And it keeps people from eating at my house. "I can't eat at Rivka's. She's not Frum enough."
They were selling that OCD therapy. They went with it. The therapists ended up giving out cards, telling each one of us, "Here. Take a card. You're religious. You have OCD. You need help."
The rabbi then somehow said that we shouldn't make ourselves sick from worrying about Mitzvahs for months on end. Now our congregants feel it's proper Biblical practice to not keep Pesach.
So, I guess the ending message of the OCD Wellness Shabbat was that we shouldn't be religious. And we shouldn't mourn for the Temple. Something is definitely off in my shul.

​The Jewish Family Services therapist speaker had a message about what she called a safe container community. We all need a community of people we can trust. People we feel comfortable around. People who care about us. She's an idiot. Apparently, she has no idea what a community is.
 
Did I leave out anything from my writing? OCD! You see. I have an issue. I edit sometimes.
If there are any grammatical mistakes, it's only because I'm healthy.

Evan was wrong, taking my Mickey Mantle for those Mike Greenwells. And stealing is wrong. I feel like people have to hear that, as Evan still has my Mickey Mantle.
 
From my earliest memories, I can recall that I don't like getting ripped off. It's just something I don't seem to get joy out of. A wedgie, maybe. I have mixed feelings about wedgies.
Ever since I traded my bag of potato chips for a pickle, I have not enjoyed getting shafted. Watching that fourth grader lick the inside of the bag, I knew something was wrong with society. It was then that I learned, there are thieves out there. Trading thieves. And mind you, I didn't like it when the nurse gave that other newborn in the nursery the better nametag. Tyler. Such a cool name. 

Stealing is wrong. And lying to people is stealing. Some things I can’t shake. For some reason, getting stolen from is one of them. The English tutor and going to a psychiatrist because the tutor couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t read, I’ve shaken that. Would I have rather went to the psychiatrist to deal with my Mike Greenwell issues. Yes.
I'm still thinking about the Mike Greenwells and my Mickey Mantle, and the other times I got robbed at gunpoint. I don't get over stuff. I'm still calling it my Mickey Mantle. Forty years later and it's my Mickey Mantle. And my name is still David. Not Tyler.
Felons have infiltrated our trading card hobby. And their name is Evan. 

Maybe this isn't as much of a memoir as my thoughts on Evan. Nonetheless, it's a memory and I need to let it out, so I can reconnect with those good times childhood feelings of a beautiful hobby of kindness and not having a girlfriend. For you.
I hope this helps all of you who have no idea how to negotiate feel better for being an idiot and getting ripped off. Let's talk about how Evan is a thief. Yeah!

Stealing is Forbidden and Evan Should Live and Be Well
Evan is a Ganev. He’s a thief. Lying to a kid about a Mickey Mantle and Mike Greenwell in business makes you a thief. And that's how I understand the legal system. 
That’s why I’m happy I learn Torah. It helps me judge other people. To know they’re going to Gehenim. It's comforting to know there's hell.
After a bad trade, after a bad purchase, we all need to feel better. And the best way to do that is to know the other person is going to hell. Or to say, "Bless their heart. They should live and be well." Which is my aunt cursing them to hell. In Yiddish.
I'm starting to feel a bit better about getting ripped off. Hell just feels right.

The Bible Says It's Stealing 
The Torah explicitly says that ripping people off for their Mickey Mantle is stealing. If you look at the Gematria, study the numbers of the letters, seven is right there. Shabbat is seven, Sabbatical year is seven, and don't lie about Mike Greenwell and take David's Mickey Mantle who is number seven. Those are the exact words in the Torah.
(VaYikra 25:14) “And when you make a sale to your fellow or make a purchase from the hand of your fellow, man shall not wrong his brother.” And that is why Evan owes me the Mickey Mantle. And why I'm still mad the guy charged me over a hundred dollars for an oil change. And why people running slot machines are probably going to hell too. They took six thousand dollars from me in one night. And there wasn't even one Mike Greenwell involved in that deal.
I look to the Torah when I need to feel good about other people being sinners. No matter what side you’re on in a business deal, you’ve got to be honest about the information. Otherwise, you have communism. Evan is the reason for communism.

If you’re both happy with the deal, it’s cool. That's when nobody is wronged. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a Mitzvah. Which is why it's forbidden to do business with your wife.
For us both to be happy is what I strive for in the hobby. Or at least for me to be happy. The problem is it's hard to find people who want Mike Greenwells. 
The reason you can’t do business with your wife is because marriage makes you mad. Neither of you will ever be happy. I had to explain that.
​
Learn Lessons
A hobby that is based on taking advantage of young kids and people who know nothing it's messed up. But that seems to be how you get a Mickey Mantle. 
Be ready for these Evans. We have to fight the Evans.

I learned many lessons over my life. Never listen to a thirteen-year-old. Never trust an eighth grader in business. And don't trust an eighteen-year-old when buying a car. That was when I bought the stick shift that needed a running start. The eighteen-year-old said it was a good idea to buy it because it started once you ran with it a bit. I had to bobsled the car down the street. That will kill your reputation in the neighborhood, and keep you from getting hired. "David. The guy pushing the car down the street. He listened to the eighteen-year-old." "Yeah. I think that idiot traded his Mickey Mantle for Mike Greenwell rookie cards."
And never trust anybody who's older than you, whose name is Evan. Respect your elders but don't trust them if their name is Evan. And never bring your Mickey Mantle to school. And don't do deals when you have a Mickey Mantle at recess.
Why Evan isn't locked up is the problem with our judicial system.

Later On
I still don’t like getting shafted.
There will always be people in the hobby trying to rip you off. And I will get ripped off by them. I learned it all, and I still get ripped off.
I now let it go, I don't rip people off, and I take comfort in hell. If there is one thing I've learned over the last forty years, it's Evan is going to hell. He should live and be well.

Now there are kids ripping me off. I had a kid try to buy five thousand dollars’ worth of graded cards for two hundred dollars. Told me it was "a good deal." He left out the "for me" part.
Just remembered. That guy in San Francisco still owes me money for My Jordan rookie that I sold him online. A Ganev. A liar. He's going to hell. Oh. that makes me feel better. He should live and be well.

I pray every year that Evan has done Teshuva and is broke. I know he hasn’t repented, as he hasn’t returned my Mickey Mantle. He should live and be well.

It's good to get it out. Thank you. I’ve had these thoughts for forty years. From the moment I lost my Mickey Mantle, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I couldn’t focus on reading. The whole time I was thinking about my Mickey Mantle. A good psychiatrist would’ve figured that out. Diagnosis: Evan.
And to all of those who are using the hobby to rip off kids. It's stealing. To those who ripped me off, you're going to hell. Gehenim is the payback to people who ripped me off. You should live and be well.

For Mike Greenwell's sake, let us bring honesty and holiness to the hobby. Something. I'm sick of getting ripped off.
I hope and pray we all repent and make trading cards something enjoyable. Not like pushing a Ford Escort up the block and looking like an idiot. That kid should live and be well.

​The Chief Rabbinate instituted Hallel on Yom Yerushalayim as the one thing to do celebrate the Chag. And thus, they are heretics. Any Frum person knows, celebrating Jerusalem is Asur. Forbidden. Any way of celebrating the city we pray for is definite heresy.
Some people walk around Jerusalem, taking steps in the Holy City to celebrate the holiday. But we know exercise is also Asur.  
 
(VaYikra 25:14) When doing business don’t wrong your fellow, unless if you’re making a lot of money. Then it feels like the right thing to do. You rip them off, it feels Gishmack.
If you're going to lie, make sure you're making a lot of money off it. Then you can donate some of that to the community. They might even honor you with a plaque. Thus, making it a Mitzvah to steal.

Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 21) teaches, “Man must stay very far from women.” And that’s how dating works. For more Torah education on how to court a woman…
And countless marriages have been saved due to the wisdom of our sages.
 
Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 21:3) says you can look at a girl, only to see if she’s fit for marriage. And it would appear that I’ve thought to marry many women recently.
You look to check whether she is a virgin or not. How to do this, I do not know. How do you check out a girl for marriage? “She’s a girl. I guess she can get married. And that is what I was checking out just now. I was staring at the young woman only to see if she is of marriage age.” And that is what you tell your wife. And that is supposed to make things better.
And it is fitting to do so. When you see a woman, you should think about marrying her. And this is why it is very awkward for women to work in retail. They think they're working as a cashier, the guy getting change thinks he's proposing.

A note of interest: This is why married men have been joining the Shadchan field. On the spot, they get caught checking out a girl, they tell their wives they’re thinking of a Shidduch for them. They become Shadchanim like that, immediately. And it saves their marriage.
And the Shulchan Aruch continues, “But he may not look at her in a promiscuous way.” And this is why many religious men, when they look at women are checking out the soul.
And that’s what I say when people catch me checking out a woman. “It is Halachik. I’m only looking at her figure because of marriage. And that really means I’m looking at her soul.” And now you all know I’m a good holy Jew.

What We Learned from Rabbi David: Celebrating Yerushalayim makes you a heretic. And stealing from other people is a Mitzvah, if you get a plaque with your name on it out of the deal. And the way you get to know the woman you want to marry is by staying away from her. And checking out women is fine, as long as you're thinking about taking them as your second wife. I believe that's what we've learned from our rabbi this month.

Graduation Kiddish will be this week. The board decided that we should charge people for their kids graduating Jewish day school. Parents paid 20k for day school. Now that those bills are over, the shul felt we should ask them to spend more. 
To sponsor graduation Kiddish for your children that we all Schepp so much Nachis for, it's only a thousand dollars. Dues are only at 2.5k. This is a chance for the parents to feel closer to H' and to give us more money.
 
Father’s Day is this Sunday. We expect the dads to come for Minyin. You need more Mitzvahs. Message from the Rabbi: "H’ doesn’t think you did a good job as a dad. Your children are messed up. We see them at the junior congregation."
Side Note: Being Abba Shel Shabbat does not make you a dad. We’re sick of these three-year-olds getting this dad ego, now saying they expect an Abba and Ema Shel Shabbat Day. Our shul will not support it. Enough of our members have supported Mamdani, they should all go to Gehenim. And we see what that led to. Antisemitism and bad Kiddishes.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Telling Bernie to shut up during Musaf.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Giving Money to Shul and The Rabbi's Salary. Why It's a Mitzvah to Give More than Mayser to Shul and The Rabbi's Salary. How to Ruin Father’s Day By Asking Fathers to Daven. Why Congregants Can’t Not Talk During Davening. Is It a Mitzvah to Disturb the Rabbi's Sermon- A Discussion About Something That Was Never Decreed and an Angry Rabbi. Should Three Year Olds Be Doing Dad Jokes.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul board figured they could get money off the back of the fact the parents already spent everything. The tactic expressed at the board meeting was, "When they're down. That's when you hit them."
 
We had a graduation Kiddish. Nothing for Father’s Day. Because nobody cares about dads. The shul knows that if they would've asked for money in support of dads, they would've got nothing. Nobody supports dads. They support moms and kids. They once had a dunk tank. People supported dads in that.

The whole Kiddish was such a scam. Not one person in our shul is Schepping any Nachis from these kids. Especially, the parents.
These kids have done nothing for society. Thus, we honor them. That's the message of graduation. "You've done nothing to help anybody. And thus, we honor you with a cap and gown. And now, for the next forty years, nobody will care about anything you did."
Kindergarten graduation??? What have these kids accomplished??? Some of these kids in our junior congregation can't even trace their name right.
​
I question our graduates. Ben going to college with that hairdo. There's no class on normal. Normal should be a focus. Maybe the kids wouldn't be rolling around on the ground, fighting for candy, if they had normal as an elementary school subject. The most they have is a general studies teacher, who focuses on rabbits. They learn about normal rabbits who can talk, and then they get a degree. And I have to sponsor the Kiddish, because my niece is still an idiot. Now you know where the resentment comes from.

The fathers in the shul are definitely not spending their time raising decent kids. The rabbi ripped on the dads. Lazy as anything. Not showing for Minyin. To quote, "If your kids weren't so messed up, you would have a reason to not come to Minyin. But I know there's no way you're doing anything to help."
The rabbi took that statement back later. To quote, "You're messed up. If you have anything to do with raising your children, they will be annoying too. Either way, it's better you're at Minyin." And that was his message. His sermons touch my heart.

These Abba Shel Shabbat kids are getting annoying. These three-year-olds play dad and they get all high on themselves. Start making decisions like they're parents. Telling people “I need my quiet.”
They want an Abba Shel Shabbat Day. I'm not doing it. It's messed up. These toddler egos are uncalled for. And then to have to hear jokes like, "My friend was so high on himself. He had such a big LEGO." Dad humor from three-year-olds. It's got to stop. Next year I'm protesting any graduation from nursery school.

A thousand-dollar sponsorship. That's how much choolante costs nowadays. 
Man, it was a bad Kiddish. And they didn't even have choolante.
They've started this new community diet thing, where they have Kiddish and serve Kichel. Basically, all you get is puffed air. They figure that will help people lose weight. And then they give a little tuna. Enough for three people. And that's why it costs so much. They're charging for the shul Kiddish diet plan.
For the graduation, they had a cake that somebody whipped creamed on "Graduation." No frosting. Whipped creamed on. No bakery has ever done this, so we had to create the verb at Kiddish itself.
They're trying to save money. Six thousand dollars, and they're trying to save money. They didn't even have enough food for the graduates. People are starting to realize the Kiddish donations are a scam. There is no way six thousand dollars is going to Kichel.
It's the Mamdani people. They hate Jews. They want Israel destroyed. And they want us not enjoying Kiddish so we will vote them into the board again. This is what happens when you have government funded Kiddish Kichel.
And I ask where the rest of the money went.

The rabbi really backed this graduation Kiddish. He was banking on it to support his raise and the all paid for summer vacation package he's been asking for. 
He had everybody questioning the Mayser thing. The rabbi insisted the new law is you have to more than tithe, so he can RV around America.
When asked by the board about his RV loop around the US, the rabbi said he needs it for spiritual reasons. When questioned, he explained that he's doing it for Israel. Point is he only made a couple thousand dollars off the board's Kiddish scam. And then he did a GoFundMe. And he wrote it all off.

The Chesed of telling Bernie to shut up was gladly accepted by the congregation as a whole. 

My Talmedim want to know what they must do for Father's Day. What are they Chayav.
Chagim, holidays, are about happiness. How does one allow their father to enjoy the Chag. That is the Shayla. After much research into the Shaylas and Teshuvas of our sages, I've learned that the best way one can show appreciation of their Tatty, their father, is to not be there.
Stay away from your dad. That's what you're required. He wants to forget about you. That brings him happiness.
One day to not have to deal with you. That’s the Mitzvah of Father's Day. To let your dad forget he is your dad. Let him have a Sunday. One Sunday without you. One day of his life to have a chance to dream of how good life could've been. And that's how you practice the Mitzvah of Kibud Av vEim. You honor your parents by staying away from them. That brings them Nachis.
You could help around the house and cook, but there is no greater way to show your appreciation for your dad on Father's Day then to not be there. That will bring your father happiness. If you were able to help around the house by not being there, that would be the best way to fulfil the Mitzvah.
Here are ways to fulfill the Mitzvah of not being there.

Leave the house. Move out. That's a great way to help your dad celebrate. Move out and pay your own bills.
You don't even have to tell him. Just leave. A few months down the road, he might realize why he's so happy and relaxed, and why his heart condition has gotten better. Then he might think about you for a minute, get an anxiety attack, confirm you're not around, and then his heart rate will be back to normal.
When you do a Mitzvah, more Mitzvahs fall on your plate. Another Mitzvah, you fulfilled is Pikuach Nefesh. Saving a life. You saved your Tatty's life by him not having to see you.

Leave for the morning. At least give your Abba that. A morning where he can drink coffee and not question the bad decisions he made, and the dreams that have been killed by you.
Dad still loves you. He just doesn't want to have to see you when he wakes up. He wants a few minutes of joy, before the thought of you creeps into his mind.

You can go to the park. Just don't ask your Tatty to join you. Find a way to play catch with yourself. Bond with your dad by letting him relax without you. I heard one of my congregants express his greatest father son bonding time, "I was at the football game with my son. My son sat in a different section. I didn't see him till after the game. It was the only time I ever enjoyed being with that kid."

As long as you’re out of the house, it’s a Simcha. And mom and dad love you. 
Get out of the house. They invested half a million in your education to not have to see you. And now you're still there. Each moment you're there while dad is trying to enjoy a Netflix is an Aveirah.
Half a million. The least you can do is show your appreciation by hiding. It's Father's Day. Give him that.

Go on a Father's Day Cruise for your dad. He will be happy not seeing you. You take the cruise. Leave him at home without you. That will make him happy.
Will dad get mad you didn't get him the cruise tickets? No. As long as he doesn't have to see you. Let him know, "Dad. I got some tickets to the Bahamas for you. You won't have to see me for two weeks." A beautiful Father's Day gift.
If you're on a cruise and he can't reach you for a few days, all the better. He might think about you for a minute, hope you're OK. But he'll forget. Don't worry.

Barbecue. If you make the barbecue that's an extra Mitzvah. If you put up a nice juicy steak, Tatty will be happy. You set up the grill. You put up the steak. Put it out and let dad eat without you.
If it is a really good steak, your dad might want to see you, to ask you to get some chimichurri. But don't take any chances with ruining his Chag. If you're grilling him a hot dog, he will not want to see you. 
And make sure you pay for the barbecue. Using dad's money on his day is a holiday happiness killer. Your Tatty has now spent a half a million dollars and a ribeye on you. Again, you're the cause of his failing heart. Some rabbis have said that using dad's money causes as much stress as seeing you. 

Call your dad on Father's Day. Calling is allowed. Even suggested. Calling makes your parents happy, as it's proof you're not there. They love saying, "She's calling from Israel... My kids are so far away. Every time I get a call, it brings me such joy. A reminder they're somewhere else."
Distance makes a heart grow fonder. Imagine what never seeing you does for your relationship with your parents.
When your parent speaks of the Nachis you bring them, they're talking about the fact you're not around. "My kid is in college. They're spending a year in Israel. They're at sleepaway camp." No parent has ever said, "I'm Schepping so much Nachis. My kid wakes me up every morning." No Tatty has ever said, "We get to see our children every day. Such Nachis."

You can fulfill this Mitzvah at any age. Dad won't mind if you move out in the eighth grade. You're Bar Mitzvahed. You're a man. You can live on your own. There’s a reason we turn kids into men at thirteen. Exactly. To get them out of the house.
Notice for Children: If you're reading this and you haven't finished high school, you don't get sarcasm yet. Your parents love you. Stay at home, even if your parents have to see you. If you're a child, it's the law.

As the head of the household, I understand it’s hard to tell your kids you can’t stand them. I hope you dads appreciate what I'm doing for you. Happy Father's Day.
Tizku LMitzvot

***The Kibbitzer received a notice from some concerned parents. To quote, "Now our children think we don't love them and want them out of the house." In response, Rabbi David said he doesn't care.
Rabbi David did say that there are parents who do want to see their children when they're sick. To quote Rabbi David, "Your Abba wants to see you when he's very ill. When he's extremely sick and might die. He also wants to see you when you're mowing the lawn and cleaning the house. You can also stay around the house on Father's Day, Midirabbanan, if you're vacuuming or trimming the hedges. This way your Tatty will feel like he's getting a little return on his investment of five-hundred-thousand dollars. Though it's not enjoyable as seeing you not at the house, it does bring a little Hanna'ah." 

Back in the day, the Maggid, the storyteller rabbi who found a way of serving the community without having to teach Torah, was the one giving the Shmoozes. Many times, the Maggid would travel from town to town. Which meant they would walk fifteen minutes to the town next door. That was travel back in the day, before we had cars. The Maggid would hold their attention then move into a story and a lesson. And they were able to do all of that without mentioning the Holocaust.
Now, you have to do the job of the Maggid. So, let us learn how to end your Shmooz correctly.

The Story Part
You’ve held the attention of the Talmedim. Now work in a story. If you're going for the talking method, tell a story. Always tell a story. The masters of the staring method can tell a story just by looking at their students. However, we're beginners. We can't telepathize a detailed parable.
Wagons are good. When you tell a story, tell it with a wagon and a rabbi. Every story should have a rabbi being pulled by horses. Wagons evoke thoughts of a time in early years. Most stories with wagons happened between the years 1682 and the early 1930s. Basically after the Prohibition, people were using cars. Turns out Prohibition prohibited alcohol and cars. I just realized that. Thought I would add a side note of education.
In the 1930s people started using cars, and stories of rabbis are much less meaningful. Nothing spiritual ever happened in a car. A car never took a Maggid from town to town. “And the rabbi drove his Toyota Carolla from town to town, to spread H’s message.” Nothing spiritual. He’s probably spreading stock tips.
And use "town" when telling your story. "The rabbi decided to take a wagon that day, instead of walking the fifteen. The rabbi got stuck and almost missed his chance to share the lesson with the people in that town. What were the people of Minsk to do." You see how meaningful that story is? A wagon and a rabbi. And then I added in "Minsk" for extra meaning. That story right there says everything. Town, Minsk, wagon. That's the message. And to make it more powerful, I added a question with no question mark. That’s an advanced Maggid skill. First focus on wagons in Minsk.
If you lose them in the middle of the story, you might want to employ the Holocaust attention holding technique. "The lesson with the people in that town. Holocaust. And the people of Minsk..." You have their attention again, and you can go on with your inspirational parable about the wagon. I don't suggest the Holocaust technique. I personally just yell at them. 

The Lesson
The lesson is very important. This is the end of the Shmooz. Though, people will not trust that it's the end till you finish. That's how you know it's a good Shmooz. If people think it will never end.
This is where you repeat the topic again. After you've repeated it the previous hour. And held their attention by repeating it more, telling a story and repeating it. People have short memory abilities nowadays. After the Shmooz, they're going to forget what you spoke about. So, save this Shmooz, as you will have to repeat it next week. 
You want to repeat the topic correctly. You want the people to know that there is hope. The story of the horse drawn wagon that got stuck on its way to the town of Minsk was brought to let people know they can do Teshuva. They can repent, like the rabbi whose wagon was saved "because he cried to H'."
You see how I added crying to H'. That is what you do at the lesson part of the Shmooz. You take the lesson to a different dimension of Gd and wagons.
How do you connect Teshuva to the story of the wagon? I have no idea. As a Maggid giving the Shmooz, it's your job to be creative.
The connection of Teshuva, H' and the wagon is not important. What's important is that the students listening feel bad about themselves.

"Perseverance" is always a good message. You can end with that. "If you put yourself in very bad situations by not using a car and using a horse for transportation, you can make it." That's the meaningful message of Teshuva.
​
And no matter the lesson, end with Mashiach. They should feel guilty and thinking about Mashiach.
Say something like "speedily in these days." Great ender. Say it in Hebrew, people are cheering. Brilliant. Ended on a high. You gave an amazing Shmooz about not speaking Lashon Hara when traveling to a town in a wagon. End that with, "Lashon Hara speedily in our days," it's gold. The message is received.
You throw in a "speedily in our days" with a "support Israel in wagons," you can tour with that Shmooz. You're the Maggid.
And people feel like redemption is on its way, and they did not help with it. That is how you end your Shmooz.

Next time, we will speak of how to ask for an appeal correctly, and techniques for flipping the numbers on the cards.