Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to our trip to the Jewish Homeland, Rosh Hashana, and Israel's commitment to cats, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he isn't willing to donate money, even when the nonprofit gives him a calendar.

Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat
You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible
Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight.
This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon.
If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast.
For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. 
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Tiny Seats in Shul
You may want to purchase two seats.
The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.
The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews.
As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable.
It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.
 
Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat
Come ready to fight and claim your seat.
There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement.
First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.
You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders
Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day.
They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service.
Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.
He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. 
 
Share the Armrest
Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person.
They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing.
Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’
Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish.
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Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience.
Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down.
 
Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. 
​May we all be written in the book of decent seats.

Announcements
Shofar blowing will take place at 10:30am, or 9:45am if the rabbi's Drasha is shorter. Or 12pm if he goes on again like last year.
People are allowed to time the Tekiah Gedolah. We just ask that nobody get too excited if the rabbi's blast lasts longer than sixteen seconds. High fiving and screaming 'what's up. Did you see that???!!!!' is not proper in shul; especially when others are praying for their lives, knowing that there's a good chance they're written in the book of death, as the rabbi mentioned. Please note: stopwatches are forbidden on Rosh Hashana.
 
The Shabbat Shuva Drasha will be sponsored by the Minkowitz family who likes it to be advertised whenever they give money. Next Shabbat, the rabbi will talk about stuff most of the shul won't understand, to ensure we all have a meaningful High Holiday season. That should help all return in penitence. 
 
From now on, everything in our shul will be a program. We will not do Shabbat dinners anymore at shul. We will run Festive Friday night programs, with festive food, with confetti popping out of potato kugel. As Jews don't practice tradition anymore, we understand that we have to practice programs.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Please sit down... Nitzavim. Stand here today before H' in judgment. In prayer. Not during my sermon... Just sit Bernie. It's rude...
(Devarim 29:9) 'You are all standing before H' this day.' Standing means they're there. Not sleeping through the sermon... They showed up to shul. This isn't a game of Simon Says... You would all be out. I didn't say 'Simon Says.' Sit. Standing means sitting before H'... Because it's rude to stand. 

Standing means they were there. They showed up to shul. Not just when they were scared they were going to be written in the book of death... They came when it wasn't the High Holidays. And the sanctuary looked like it had members.
(Rashi) Moshe brought everybody to enter them into the Brit... That's a covenant, Fran... Moshe brought the whole of the Jewish people. I would say that he would've left out our congregation. It's almost impossible to get you guys to show up to Minyin. If you never show up, you're not in the covenant... Because you weren't there. This isn't the whole 'and the ones who aren't here today.' It was talking about the future generations... Showing up for the shul picnic doesn't count, Mike...

Everybody. was there. (29:10) '...The your young children, your women, and your convert who is within your camp both your woodcutters and your water drawers...' Where are the shul water drawers. We can't even get anybody to help with Kiddish... The sisterhood does nothing. And we definitely don't have any woodcutters. 
Everybody was there. They showed up. They were there. The Gabai didn't call up Rafi to the Torah and then have to figure out where he was... Rafi was there.
All were included. They weren't snobs. They were accepting, unlike the members of this shul that are anywhere from 25 to 70... They looked at you and say Hi. People wanted to be around them... People don't come, because they don't want to be around you...
We want to keep our kids out of shul... Their young kids were not loud and annoying back then. Their parents watched over them. Made them behave and shake hands... Your kids walk around and don't even return Good Shabbis calls.

Rosh Hashana, we will be blowing the Shofar with everybody here... Except babysitting. Exactly. Last year the kid cried a sixteen second wail. Nobody talked about the Tekiah Gedolah… They were focused on finding the pacifier for Tanner. How that kid is Jewish with that name....
Think about what you want to do as people. As a nation. As yourselves.... With the water drawers too... I understand they don't pay full dues, and you make it a point to not look at them to say Hi...
Chances are you're in the book of death. I know you. You deserve... Repent. That's all I'm going to say. You're shallow and snobby, and only show to shul when you're worried... That was for Kaddish. You had to come...

Rosh Hashana is not a program. Which is why the board was against having services this Rosh Hashana. Being a good Jew is not a program. Standing is not an exercise program. We're not playing Simon Says... Sit. And work on your squats at the gym. You stand for Kaddish, Kidusha, when the ark is open, then you sit back down. It's for services. For tradition. Not for reps.
 
Everything is now a program. What happened to tradition? To services?... It's pathetic, and annoying. I don't want to dance a Hora at a Shabbat meal. I want to eat, like our tradition says to. Eat and get heavy...
You cancelled Tehillim and made it Tehillim education… You do stuff. you do Tehillim. Doing stuff is more educational. Especially than going to classes with Fran...
Now we've got this new youth director. Everything is education. No services. No practice. Just education... The kids hate it. No kid wants education... For youth, you do programs. Programs like 'Keep Shabbat for Once.' Or programs like 'It's a Holiday. You're in Services. Keep Your Mouth Shut'...
We have a Chazin. That's painful enough... The whole shul is turning into a beginners service. An explanatory service. So now we have festive Friday night explanatory dinner programs... Conversation is a Jewish program. Why not just have conversation?!

What is this Friday Night programs the board is running?! Festive?! Is there going to be graffiti jumping out of the potato kugel? 
This year, you should live as Jews. Let the year be a program of keeping Mitzvahs... Yes. That is a Bracha. Keeping Mitzvot and doing good deeds is a blessing. Even if it's not a program...
Standing before H' as a people, and entering the covenant is not a program. It's a way of life...
You are sinners. If you showed up once in a while... Just show up. And you can be part of the covenant.
 
Here's a Siman (an vegetation omen for the Rosh Hashana meal). Our enemies should have to deal with our board... That's a curse. That and they should have to show up to programs.

It's about being together. Standing as one... Not being the sinner, like Frank and Jessica, who bring everybody here down... but they stand with us too... 
Oy. God. We have suffered enough with programs this year. May we be forgiven as one, and never have to deal with the board again...

The Minkowitz family is sponsoring the Shabbat Shuva Drasha next week.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi ended with such a beautiful Bracha there. A Bracha for all of our people to stand together. As he said, 'It's only as one that we can receive the Torah and the covenant of our people. Which is why we're revoking half of our congregation's membership.'

Some guys were working out in shul. They felt bloated from all the meals they had this past year, and wanted to get in exercise before Rosh Hashana. They were doing reps. Literally. The ark wasn't open and they were doing box squats on the chair. One guy yelled, 'You got a few more in you.' No 'Amen.' Just 'You got a few more in you.' And then there was a grunt instead of the yawning High Holiday between paragraph moan.

I've got to be honest. I can't stand these congregants that sometimes say 'Hi' and most of the time turn the other way. A bunch of snobs. It's like they need something when they say 'Hi.' If they don't say 'Hi' all the time, I don't like them. Social climbers. 
Is it a classy thing to not say 'Hi' to people? I don't get it. If you smack them, do they then turn their heads and acknowledge you?
 
The rabbi and the board worked it out. He is not threatening them anymore. He just gets to not show up to the classes and programs. Some classes have had no presenter. I think the rabbi has been skipping his classes.
He is rightfully mad that they have substituted tradition for programs.
The rabbi hates the new Tehillim education. Just do it. That's his motto. His and Nike's. But he says it's his.
The festive thing is annoying. Can't have a decent dinner. Colored paper flakes flying out of the brisket and we have to dance the Hora around the table. I just like decent conversation. I am with the rabbi. Conversation is a good program.
 
The rabbi started a Hilchot Teshuva class. We learned the Rambam’s laws of repentance. He said that was tradition and not a program. The board was against it. And the rabbi said the board is required to come, because they are all sinners, and he can’t stand praying with them.
He also said they have not concept of tradition, and a Jewish youth director should be Jewish.

An amazing Shabbat Shuva Drasha. And it wasn’t even Shabbat Shuva yet. Not many sources, but everybody listened once the rabbi told the congregation as a whole that they're all probably in the book of death. It definitely will help bring more Kavanah to Rosh Hashana davening.
Every Drasha by our rabbi is a Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He goes off on how messed up the congregants are and how they have to not be like themselves. It always feels like Yom Kippur in the shul. Which is what makes it so spiritual. And nobody understands some of the ideas the rabbi speaks of, which always makes it more spiritual. 
The rabbi's sermons can throw off shul timing sometimes, even though he blames the Chazin. I believe he spent a good half hour telling everybody that they need to hear the shofar to not die.

Such a message. The water drawers are people too. It really spoke to me.
The rabbi likes the people who don’t pay dues. They come to shul.

By the rabbi mentioning the Minkowitzs at the end of the sermon, he raised a lot of money for the shul. As the office told the Minkowitz family, 'That was product placement for you.'
Nobody remembered the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. They remembered the Minkowitz family name.

We have the traditional signs in Hebrew, known as Simanim, to say how our enemies should die through violent vegetation. What about Simanim for the English speaker? Here are fruit and vegetables and some creative curses in English, that I came up with, to make your Rosh Hashana more meaningful (I will try to rhyme, as rhyming is important for warding off evil):
 
Curses with Fruit & Vegetables
Aubergine- ‘Like a carrot not dressed, may all their eggplants be undressed, with no tahina or bean. Just a plain eggplant, with no identity, confused like aubergine. And dead.’ Death truly adds to this Siman.
Bananas- ‘May our enemies slip on the ground, like a banana that’s been split. And then be scattered, because they split.’ I feel that using the banana split line makes for a good substitute for a rhyme, and it is scary.
Broccoli- ‘May they be broken like broccoli, and have their stem separated from the rest of their tiny tree. And not to be able to mix with any vegetables because they are awesome by themselves.’ I like broccoli too much. Maybe if my enemies knew that, they wouldn’t be enemies.
Brussel Sprouts- ‘May our enemies sprout like a brussel and never turn into a cabbage. But very tasty. Tasty and dead.’
Cantaloupe- ‘May all evil wonder, and not know whether or not they are a deer, like an antelope, when I am eating my cantaloupe. Confused. Not knowing if they're a melon or not. Because it's not in the name.'
Celery- ‘May all evil get stuck with parents who give their kids peanut butter on celery, instead of candy. Not enjoying their snacks.’ This can cause great sadness to our enemies.
Corn- ‘May their hearts be torn, like when I rip into a corn.’ That sounds too much like a spell.
Eggplant- ‘May all enemies be confused like a plant that is called an egg. Thinking that they came from a chicken.’
Fennel- ‘May our enemies die like a dog in a kennel, that was forced to eat fennel, because their owners didn’t care about them.’ I feel bad for that dog.
Kiwi- ‘May all our enemies end up in New Zealand, because there aren’t that many Jews there, and it makes for decent cinematography. Like tasty kiwi, may we still be able to slaughter animals, ritually.’ Sometime our political enemies have to hear our plight. Not just the enemies in shul, who take my seat on Rosh Hashana. Who should die a starfruit death.
Leaves- ‘May our enemies make like trees and leaves.’
Lagenaria- ‘May all evil catch lagenaria, and if that is not a disease, then malaria.’ You can also use, 'May our enemies be cursed with not getting lasagna for dinner, as they were hoping. And end up eating lagenaria.' That's a very strong curse.
Lemons- ‘May life give them lemons.’ That is a curse for people who don’t know how to make lemonade. Sour people.
Naartjie- ‘May our enemies be stuck with oranges for a high fee, like a naartjie. And mandarin themselves in the eyes, and then…’ Got carried away with that South African fruit name.
Orange- Pulling together the trilogy of citrus… ‘May all evil have to listen to jokes about bananas that end with “orange you glad, I didn’t say banana,” with a life full of little kids that can’t tell jokes. Knocking on your door all day, with knock knock jokes, stuck in your mind like a foot in the door hinge, while you're glad you’re not an orange. Who’s there? Orange you glad it’s me?’ Don’t tell this curse to the little ones. It will hurt them too much.
Parsley- ‘May our enemies be stuck with no basil or oil for pesto, and no rosemary. A whole year of Passover, with just salt water and parsley (stuck in the teeth).'
Pear- ‘May our enemies not dare to stare at a pear. Because they are tasty apples, and that would not be fair.’ Ahhhh!!!! Bring it on. The curses are rolling off my tongue. As are the rhymes. 'May our enemies have to listen to rhymes.'
Pickles- 'May they die the slow death of a cucumber that's been pickled. And then have their eyes stung by the juice. Pickled eyes.' This is a horrific curse. You must really hate the enemy to use this one.
Pomegranate- 'May our enemies get hit with a palm that is made of granite.' A palm made of granite would hurt. Brilliance. I know.
Tomato- 'May our enemies be crushed like a tomato, and used for jachnun.'
 
Please note, I kept this in alphabetical order, so that you can reference it.
I hope I am not scaring you, and that this is educational. I just wish I had a greater knowledge of the plantae kingdom and fungi family. My knowledge of monocots is so limited.
Other foods were pulled out over the course of dinner last year, which were not vegetables. Yet, they did not have a curse for it. It was the first course, and they just wanted to eat it. They pulled out fish, and made the blessing, ‘We should all be for a head, and not for a tail.’ The fish fit the Siman perfectly. I like heads and I loved it because that sign was Gummy Fish. Not everybody likes fish, but everybody likes gummies. So, don’t be afraid to use candy to curse out your enemies. ‘May our enemies have bad teeth like one who chews on their lollypop.'
If you're stuck with an apple and honey, you can use, 'May our enemies die like an apple that's stuck in honey, and can't get out.' 
I feel like I am scaring the children right now.

Next year, I will try to give you some blessings. But for now, let's focus on cursing our enemies.

​Announcements 
High Holiday seats are being sold right now. First class seats are on sale as well. We're going to be bringing in foot rests for the plush seat section. We will also be serving pastry and alcohol to people with first class seats. Though we pushed for it, the rabbi won't let us serve snacks on Yom Kippur. Even if you pay extra money, he won't allow for it.
You must purchase seats, even if you purchased lifetime Yom Kippur seats. It doesn't count anymore. The lifetime is up.
 
Lulav and Etrog sales are going on now. We suggest everybody pay a lot. This way, you can get heaven, and we can pay for the shul's new Sukkah renovations.
 
No more flatulating in the middle of the services. People find it hard to concentrate. There have been many complaints about Reuven. If you haven’t noticed disturbed congregants sitting in discomfort, you have not been paying attention to the back left of the men’s section.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Entitled Congregants...
(Devarim 26:1) 'And it will be, when you come into the land... take from the first fruits...' There are rules. When you come in, there are rules... Shul needs rules too. When you walk into shul, you come in properly. Without talking to everybody...
They probably cleaned their feet in Israel. Maybe kissed the ground. On the shul trip to Israel, I was the only one to kiss the ground... It's not dirty. It's Holy Land... I know people walk on it, but it's holy... You don't have to shower if you're holy. Ever been to Jerusalem? Holy people...
'Take from the first fruits…' It's not yours. It’s God’s. That's the problem. You all think it's yours... The first Aliyah is God's too... I don't know why we give it to a Kohen. The point is that none of this is ours. We have to acknowledge it's God's. Other than the artwork from the Minkowitz family, which is hideous. And the pathetic community quilt. And the new renovations to the front of the shul. Other than that, and the young couples of the shul. Everything else is holy, and God's...
The High Holiday seats are not yours. The best thing you can do on the High Holidays is give your seat to a poor person.
When you come. Nobody wants to come to shul because people are flatulating… I understand it’s an open space. How are people supposed to concentrate on the Amidah when you have flashbacks everytime Frank bows... 
Got to wait 20 seconds. But for your flatulence... It's disgusting. It has been spreading throughout the shul from the back left. People squeeze their faces. I've seen nose finger plugging... 
 
(Devarim 26:5-8) After giving it to the Kohen, you talk about how you were slaves. You talk about how bad you had it, and how H' saved you and gave you this opportunity. It's about appreciation. Hakarat HaTov. Acknowledging how amazing your rabbi is... Flatulating is not a proper show of appreciation... No. This isn't a meal in Japan...
The Bikurim statement ends with 'I have brought the first of the fruit of the ground which you, O Lord, have given to me'... Your garden is nothing without God... Even the lilies are nothing without God. It all comes from God... You acknowledge that with the first fruits... Why have you never tithed? You think it all comes from your work. I have seen you work. You deserve nothing... It's not hard labor to say 'I am related to the boss...'
(Devarim 26:11) 'And you shall rejoice with all the good God has given you.' After you acknowledge that you're not a selfish congregant. Appreciate what H' has given you. After you are not crying about you having to be the one opening the ark... You can rejoice. When you realize you have done nothing... You've done nothing.
You rejoice with everybody. When you're not selfish, you can rejoice with all. Sharing is how you rejoice. When you share your Legos Chaim... When you don't flatulate, all can rejoice and enjoy... After not being selfish like Fran, you can all rejoice. You give poor people a seat…
Poor people don't deserve Lulavs and Etrogs. Those are expensive.
Tonight is Selichot. The start of Selichot. Do Teshuva. Don't do you. Don't be yourself. That's what you have to do Teshuva for. That and flatulating in shul... It's a land flowing with milk and honey. Not Bernie's gas....
 
Need first class seats? Are we davening in an plane? You can’t even pray on an airplane anymore… Used to be able to stand in the back and have a Minyin… Since they stopped that, antisemitism has gone down in numbers… Though, they’re still mad that Jews get the first meals. The nonJews don't rejoice at that... They give the Jews the first meals... That's not a law, to bring those to Jerusalem. You bless God before eating them though...

Start with doing Teshuva. Then we can rejoice.
 
Rivka’s Rundown​
First meals on planes causes a lot of Jew hatred in Topeka.

Sukkah renovations are the only kind the rabbi supports, as he doesn’t have to see them for more than a week. He even suggested to use the community quilt for a wall. I believe he is hoping the weather will kill it.
 
It does smell bad in shul. I think that showers should also be a necessity during the summer months. Showers and no flatulating.
Kim started a shul laundry service. It’s part of the Chesed Fund.
 
The Holy Land conversation the sermon brought up had everybody discussing purity and impurity and fights about women's rights came up. The rabbi said that women can kiss the ground of Israel too.
They almost fired the rabbi for suggesting that poor people deserve seats in shul on Yom Kippur.

People were mad to hear that the lifetime membership seats were not lifetime anymore.
Discussions of what lifetime means were had. Many congregants were deemed not alive anymore. So they had to sit in the back, in the Keter plastic seats.
Saying ‘the lifetime is up’ had a lot of people worried that they were going to be written in the book of death this year. The board decided that a lifetime is ten years. 

After extensive meetings, the board decided that burping in shul is also wrong. As is chaching onto pages to turn them. I believe the chaching on the pages was a financial concern. Old members caused us to have to purchase eighty new Siddurs last year.

I said goodbye to my parents. They thought they were losing a son. They weren't losing me. I just wasn't going to see them anymore. 
My mom said I wouldn't call, but I told her that I have to. Kibud Av vEim is a Mitzvah, as I explained to my Mom that I would call her because God said I have to. So, she accepted God. She now liked God, and I did my part in Kiruv (bringing a Jew closer to Yiddishkeit- Judaism- I will explain every word, as I want you to also become religious).
​
​The flight was to Israel for Yeshiva. My parents wanted to know why I gave up. They assumed that giving up a steady job as an industrial engineer is not normal. They thought that it made no sense to give up a six figure contract that was set for the next eight years. They've never been to Jerusalem. I told them, 'Torah.' It was then that they knew Torah was an excuse to not work. And I love Torah.
I made the flight on time. It was the first of many miracles. I was late. Saying goodbye to my parents took way too long. They never learned about Bitul Zman (wasting time from Torah). 
The greatest miracle was that half of the passengers on the plane were late. I am assuming that the pilots know it takes a long time to explain to your family that you are giving up your job for connection with God.
 
I got on the plane and sat next to a tiny human, called a child. Another great miracle. I had space. Then, a religious woman wanted to change seats with me. Not a miracle. That was my first test. As Avraham had ten tests, God was testing me as well (I don't say Lord, as I am not catholic- I am Jewish and thus I refer to God). Giving up a good seat on the plane was my first.
She said she wanted to sit next to her husband. She said it was my duty as a religious Jew to let her sit next to her husband. I had not yet learned that Mitzvah. But I was looking forward to learning about it in Yeshiva.
As I changed seats, I realized she just didn't want to have to sit next to a huge guy who insisted on lifting up the armrest, so he could have enough room to fit. She wanted more space. Maybe it's a Mitzvah to give people space. I don't know. I believe they bought seperate seats, because there was one aisle seat, and there was no seat next to that aisle seat. And her husband wasn't going to not take the aisle seat. The huge guy, I ended up next to, taught me about the word finagle, as he was whacking me with his elbow and sweating on me.

There was no food on the first leg of the flight. The rabbi at shul didn't teach me that you have to order Kosher food, and then call to make sure they have your Kosher food, and then to check again to make sure they know, and then to explain that you really need a separate meal that is Kosher. I thought you just tell them you want Kosher and check the Kosher box, and then you'll get it. I hope the Gemara has a lesson on how many times you have to call the airline to make sure you have a Kosher meal.
On the second leg, another miracle occurred. I got food. The airline didn't have my name on the food list. But they had the name of the woman I gave my seat to. The next thing I know, they had an extra meal for me, and my name was Malkie. Then, I got another meal. Somebody said they didn't trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision). I began to respect people who are Machmir (stringent), and don't trust other rabbis, and I had food.
Another miracle. The dinner was only enough food for a snack, and it lasted the whole flight. I am on my way to Israel and I am experiencing all the great miracles of our people. I told myself at that time that I would eat every day, to commemorate the little food that lasted the whole flight. I also committed to eating more than the chicken sliver strip if I was ever going to be Fleishiks again (Fleishiks means I meat, and once I eat meat I have to wait six hours to eat dairy- which is why Jews don't eat meat for breakfast, and why I will never eat meat before 8pm).
The greatest miracle of all. I fell asleep on the huge guy's chest. The little space I had on the plane, was enough to sleep for one night. And to this day, I commemorate that with sleeping. Judaism is about commemorating. I commemorate the oil that lasted eight days, the freedom from Haman, and being able to sleep in discomfort).

When I disembarked, I made it through security. That was a miracle, as I was smuggling in a lot of deodorant. B"H they didn't ask me.
It was God's hand involved in my trip. The Mitzvah of giving up my seat so that somebody else could enjoy the flight. The food that lasted me the whole flight. The not feeling bad about my parents crying as I left.
And the most amazing miracle of all. As I entered Israel, they all welcomed me. I don't know what they said. It was Hebrew. But they welcomed me in the holy language of the Torah. Such a Kiddish H.' Only in Israel do they speak Hebrew. In Israel, Brooklyn, and hotels around the world on Pesach. But they speak Hebrew in Israel too. And they welcomed me, 'Bruchim HaBaim HaBayta.' As I learned later, 'Welcome home.' With all the sad goodbyes, I was home. My belongings weren't there and I had to share a bunk bed with a thirty year old man, but I was home. And I told my non-religious parents I was home, and they weren't happy. And my mom doesn't like God that much right now.

My luggage wasn't there. Yet, they said you can live without your luggage. Only in Israel, the Holy Land, does one not need such physical Gashmiyus, like your belongings. You only need your Neshama and Tzitzis (which I was wearing).

When we stepped out of the airport, I was told to kiss the holy ground. Only in Israel is the ground so clean that you can kiss it.

Ten days later, my luggage came. Another miracle.

Follow Up Notes
I don't believe the holy ground was swept. I did take in a dustball as I kissed the holy land.
​I still haven't called my mom. Nonetheless. I'm learning. ​If I ever get reception in Yeshiva, that will be another huge miracle. My mom will appreciate that miracle.
In Yeshiva, we learn in Aramaic. I understand none of it. I still can't tell you if it's a Mitzvah to give up your seat on the plane for somebody who wants a better seat. I am now saving up for a first class ticket. I don't believe they ask you to do Mitzvahs in first class.
I understand that this story is inspirational. It has inspired many in their journey towards being good Jews. 

These guys find me everywhere.
The shnurer is the guy that asks you for money. Traditionally, a man you can't avoid. You can't avoid them. I've tried. They pop up everywhere. Once the Jewish community knows you're Jewish, they will find you. And you shouldn't avoid the shnurer. They're making sure you give Tzedaka, to them.
With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, the organizational shnurers have figured out my address. Thus, I have collected many calendars for the 2022-23 season. Nonetheless, it's only the traditional shnurer who comes right up to you when you're eating that I respect. The shnurer who doesn't let boundaries of trespassing get in the way. The shnurer that takes your money and offers you no tax writeoff.
Here are some of the many places they've found me.

Pizza Shops
$2.50 for pizza. A buck for the shnurer. You need an extra dollar per-slice. Budgeted. That's the kosher pizza fee. And they count slices. They see you back at the seat with the second slice you weren't sure about, and they're right on you with a Rav Nachman book.
I say 'pizza shops' because they've found me in every pizza shop I ever ate at. They can sense when you're in the mood for margherita. Even when I'm in the mood for cheese sticks, they know it.
Falafel joints they don't always catch me at. I've had a couple times they didn't find me. Maybe they thought I was an Israeli eating there, and it's not worth it to waste time getting shekels.
Why these guys aren't hitting classier restaurants is an anomaly. 

Shul
I was Davening. He interrupted me. I felt that was rude, and it killed my Kavanah. It's hard to have proper intent with my prayers when they guy next to me is jingling coins. Do shnurers realize how much they ruin Kavanah? It's almost impossible to focus on asking H' for a decent Parnasah, for a decent living, with this guy right there. It's rude. 
I thought I was connecting to God, and then he let me know God didn't care until he got more than a dollar. He wouldn't go. I even offered to pray for him to make a good living. He didn't want that. He wanted another dollar.
And it is bothersome hearing him jingle coins, and then getting a reprimanded for giving him a quarter. If he wants a dollar, then he shouldn't jingle. 

Walking
I thought they were going for a stroll too. They saw my Kippah and they knew it was time to shnur.
I think it's the Kippah. If you're wearing a Kippah outside of shul, they will get you.

Bus Stops
I think the guy was trying to chase people away, so he could get a decent seat. He asked for money, and everybody ran from that stop.

The Kotel
I had already given Tzedaka to the people sitting with Tzedaka boxes. They're not shnurers. Shnurers come to you. Middle of Amidah. Right up to you. If you're moving, they follow. I was taking a drink at the water fountain. Mid-drink, I see the palm of a hand out the corner of my eye.
I feel like it's just a reflex in Jerusalem. Some people have developed a charity ask. You think it's going to be a welcoming hand shake, and then the hand flips over. Real quick, it turns from 'Shalom. Welcome to Israel,' to 'You have any Tzedaka?'

Woke up at a Park
He was right there. He saw the yarmulke. 
The Kippah was covering my eyes. Any Frum Jew knows that a Kippah doubles as an eye mask. That's why the black Kippahs are very popular. They keep out the sun better.

In Line at the Airport
How he afforded the flight. That's still a question. He was a good shnurer though.
I was bothered that he's going on a trip to ask for money. Then I remembered how much vacations cost. It's expensive. No shnurer should have to stay in a hostel.

Shul At the Airport
I thought I would have one Minyin where I would be able to focus. He spent two thousand dollars on that flight to ask me for Tzedaka. He knew. He sensed I was traveling. He also found me at the airport food court. There was pizza there.
No concept of budgeting. The family's vacationing at the beach and the dad is checking sneakers to see who might have some money to give.

At My Seat
I woke up and the guy was right there, blocking the cart.

The Grocery Store
Baked goods. He was there. I pulled out money for groceries. He was there. My car. He was there. There's a fine line between harassment, stalking people, robbery and asking for charity.
He didn't want food. They wanted money. Food can't buy you and your family a trip.

My Front Door
I've stopped answering the door. They pop up there. It's either the mailwoman or this guy who somehow figured out I'm Jewish. Either way, I am losing money. It's the shnurer or a High Holiday appeal with a calendar.
I feel bad lying to them, but I do. 'Do you have money?' 'No.' That's the answer they're getting from me. How I afford rent; not the point. It's not responsible to tell them I have money. My doors open. They'll break right in. It could be a robbery. Just because the guy has a beard, doesn't make him safe. What's under his bekisha? 
​He was there for a while. I gave him money. I was scared.
Side Thought: I'm sure shnurers hit up nonJews when they're going door to door. The good ones must have a sale about joining Jews in heaven. 

Soup Kitchen
I was eating in a soup kitchen. They still asked me for money. I thought I could eat a peaceful lunch there. No.

If you have a Kippah, they will find you. Embrace it. Give some Tzedaka. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. Myself, I will keep praying for the day of redemption, where I can enjoy a peaceful slice of pizza.
If I ever find out what member of the community is letting people know I'm Jewish, I'm knocking on their door. And I will drop a pile of calendars right there.

​Announcements 
No touching people’s arms in the middle of a conversation. Many of the older men are using this technique to keep people in conversation, forcing them to listen to the rest of their jokes. It’s abusive and it must stop. Getting people to want to listen to your jokes with intimidation is illegal and assault. We are proposing listening autonomy. If somebody doesn’t want to listen to Merv, they don’t have to stay.
 
We're going to start sending out a weekly announements of what members are doing. Hearing everything about the community members is important. It’s important to know where they go shopping. So we are going to start announcing it on the shul’s webpage. To note: The Finkelmans go to Kohl's regularly. Kroger grocery shopping by the Blumenbergs is done every Wednesday. Melvensteins bought a yacht.
 
The board will from now on make all decisions. We're letting you know this, just in case you want to join another congregation.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Captives...
I understand the Chazan is taking way too long. It's painful... When you take a captive... This shul has taken me captive. The board... I am a prisoner to this long Davening, and a president who thinks the shul needs a another Mechitzah, because he has money for renovations...
How about you don’t paint the shul pink. Fluorescent colors don’t belong in a shul… One Mechitzah is enough. Ba'al Tosif... If I have to explain adding onto Mitzvot. The only addition to Mitzvot you do is adding a Mechitza. That's because you can't stand your wife... How about you add the Mitzvah of not driving to shul on Shabbat... I'm a captive to your sinning...
Merv holds people captive in conversation... Merv. Let them grow their nails first. Before telling them jokes...

Ki Teitzei Lamilchama. When you go to war with your congregants…

(Devarim 21:14) 'If you don't want her, you shall send her away... but you shall not sell her for money. You shall not keep her as a servant, because you have afflicted her.' You have afflicted me. Let me go with a good pension.
She was afflicted. You killed her family. The least you can do, if you don't desire her, is to let her find another man. If a rabbi doesn't desire a congregation... You still pay his pension...
If you take her captive, you have treat her well. The way you've treated me...
You treat people right. That is what the Torah is teaching us. You don't make them listen to bad jokes. Every day...
It's about treating people well. So they don't have to deal with a board...

(Devarim (21:15-17) The son of a despised wife you have to treat well... Even if you despise them. I treat your children well... It could be because of personality. Maybe even ugly...
You don't lose your birthrights to a double portion because your mother is ugly.
We treat the Melvinthal family very kindly in this shul....

(21:20-21) You tell the leaders, ‘This son of ours is wayward and rebellious. He does not obey us. He's a glutton and a guzzler.’ Annoying kids you don't have to treat right...
You teach your child to tattletale... I know you do. I see them at junior congregation... Can I just say that junior congregation is messed up. Why is there a board there?! These kids should not learn about congregation life. It will kill everything about Yiddishkeit... Let them learn to love the traditions without a board... And why did you all cancel the Tehillim group??? No tradition. Just programs. Eating and drinking for no reason.
'A glutton...' I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Any child who doesn't listen to their parents, and eats too many Stella D'oro chocolate holes, stone him... Too much Kishka, where I don't get any. Whack them... You share at Kiddish.
I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Some Bar Mitzvah boys need more than a fruit jelly thrown at them. That's how you keep people in line... Merv keeps them listening in conversation, with force.
We have a wayward board... Yes. You have to warn them. Myself and the Chazan have warned them... Stone the board...
You like this, because it's complaining about your kids. It's like sitting at a board meeting... All you do is complain. We should pelt the parents. If these kids listened to you guys, as parents, they would be wayward... 

Why mention the son now? The rabbis say it's because when you marry these people you get a wayward child... Either that, or if you send them to junior congregation here. I have seen how messed up these kids are... The Bima is not a jungle gym. It's where the Chazin Davens from...
It's the board. If you have a board like Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, you have wayward children.
When a congregation talks Lashon Hara all the time, you have wayward children... They think they can talk about everybody, because all you do is Yent... If your spouse heard you Yentaing, they wouldn't have wanted to marry you... No wayward children speaking Lashon Hara...
Marry good people. Go to Israel and meet somebody.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The main theme to the rabbi's sermons is that he hates the board. I picked up on that weeks ago.
If we got rid of the board, Mashiach would come. That was the lesson at the rabbi's class last week.

The rabbi is not a fan of the new weekly bulletin about what people are doing. I think it is less because of Lashon Hara, and more because he can't stand the people. He definitely hates the board. 
I do like how he took Yenta and turned it into a verb.

The rabbi quoted Chazal, or 'the rabbis.' When he does that, he doesn't know the source. He could've just said he doesn't know the source. But he said Chazal. He could've probably just looked at Rashi. He thinks it's less lazy to say Chazal.

The announcements always have misspellings. This week, they misspelled 'announcements.' Family names have no chance of normal spelling. They stopped dedications, as too many members were mad that their deceased family members were given different names.
And they wonder why people don’t donate money to the shul. They’re donating in other people’s names. The Minkowitz family is giving millions, and the Minobergs are getting the credit.
 
The rabbi is trying to make money off the shul again. This time everybody is worried he is claiming abuse, as they have taken him captive. I think he's threatening a lawsuit. The board is worried. Merv is worried, and scared to tell jokes. 
Fluorescent colors in the shul is messed up, and abusive to God. Whoever put up the fluorescence should be stoned. I'm a captive to neon lights.      
The Melventhals are not good looking. But they are kind people. Thus, the rabbi is nice to them, and doesn't make fun of they way they look.
 
The new announcements about what people are doing has added a level of excellent gossip to Kiddish. More people are showing up to shul now. The better this new weekly announcement about member activities, the more people show up for the commentary.
As we have learned, shul is about numbers. The board has discussed getting rid of the Mincha service, so that there is more of an evening cafe-bar focus in the shul.

The rabbi is at war with the congregation right now. He is defending tradition and decent babkas at Kiddish.

Scene
EXT - CAR - DAY

The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation.
David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. 
The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David.

Mechanic: ​You must to have Emunah. Faith.

David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car.

Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem.

David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car?

Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush.

David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America.

Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush.

David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: I have Emunah.

David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah.

David: I don't have time to relax.

Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah.

David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah.

David is leaving the car.

David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car.
I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah.

I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more.

The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot.

Hebrew is important and we have to connect with the Holy Land. However, more important than Hebrew is sounding Israeli. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. Here are some of the secrets I have learned over the many years, for how to sound like a native.

Sound Angry
They're not angry. It's just how they sound. It's how you greet people. You want to sound and look angry.  The angriest sounding person I ever heard was a father giving a speech at his daughter's wedding. He angrily said, 'My daughter just got married!!! Mazal Tov to me!!! I am very happinessie. I want to thank everybody for coming and sharing in our Simcha!!!' Such joy.
Note: And add letters to words. An 'ie' goes well at the end of every word.
Sounding angry also helps you when there's a long line. If you sound extremely angry and unstable, people will let you cut. I have also used this technique in American inner cities, and it has helped with my safety.

Ehhhh
Say 'Ehhh' whenever there is a pause in what you want to say. Otherwise, the other person will have a chance to talk. You don't want that. That kind of give and take will kill a conversation.
To note, also touch the other person's arm in the middle of the conversation. It forces them to stay and listen to your other jokes.

Talk in a Voice Four Octaves Lower Than Your Natural Voice Allows
I don't know how these tiny men and women have such deep voices. However, they are extremely deep, and scary. 
It might have something to do with the wars and all the enemies surrounding Israel. The Israelis talk in real low voices and the enemies think they are huge and angry. They run. It's like voice camouflage. And it gets you better deals at the shuk.

Welcome People with a Command
When you say 'Hello,' say it in command form. We are very connected to the Tzahal, the Israeli army, and we support it.
The first time an Israeli said hi to me, I got scared. They came over to me, 'Shalom!!!!' My response was, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.' And then I started doing push-ups.  Very scary.
Attack them with a 'Mah Shlomcha!!!!' You ask that question of greeting with a strong command of 'How are you?!!!!!' This way, you get an answer.

Hello is a Competition
Be ready for the greeting competition. If you apply yourself, you can win. There will be back and forths, even during the week. Don't back down. Give and takes: Be healthy. Be Mazal. Be strong. Enjoy your new shoes. Enjoy your new sandals. Blessed be God. Never use, 'Blessed be God' until it's over. It's too easy. Once you get them to go there, they've lost.
Shabbat is very hard to be prepared for. They will one-up you. You come at them 'Shabbat Shalom,' and they're going to top you with 'uMvorach!!!' And a blessed Shabbat to you!!! You've got to be ready. Holidays are much harder. You come to them with a 'Moadim LSimcha' and immediately they got you with 'Chagim uZmanim LSason!!!' To translate, 'Times of Happiness.' 'Holidays and times of rejoice to you!!!'

Command Your Kindness
This is how you welcome guests. The beautiful Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim isn't a question. You ensure they are coming. Kindness is better when they have no way out. 'You come for dinner!!! I feed you!!!' Now there is no question if you're having guests. They are coming.
You command them, 'I pass you salt!!!' You now know they will respond, 'OK. I will have salt.' No need to worry if they're enjoying the dinner. You command them, ​'You have a good time!!!' They will.They're too scared to not enjoy themselves. 
Note: Leaving out words from your sentences scares them into enjoyment even more.

Leave Out the Last Letter When You Speak English
Monopol is Monopoly. Shop is the verb. Hence, 'We go shop.' Even better, leave out words. You don't say, 'We go to the Kotel.' Proper Israeli English is, 'We go Kotel.'

Pronounce Every Silent Letter That Not Supposed to Be There
This Knowledge. Pronounce the 'K.' Always pronounce it. Knife. Knowledge. Listen. 
​Add letters, if you like. Happinissie. Just remember to pronounce the letters you add yourself. Knowledge? No. 'Knowledgie' is the correct word. You added the 'ie.'
LincoLon. That was the presidentie.

Make People Feel Like They Did Something Wrong
Use your hand for this. You put your fingers together, with your fingers facing up. Then bring your hand out to chin level, with a slight bend in the arm. It is at that height that the other person will know they did something wrong.
Make a 'ti' sound with your tongue while holding your hand out with fingers together. This ensures that there is no mistake that they did something wrong. When you address them, it should feel like you're calling a dog. If you bring bend a little, they might even think you have food for them.
You can also bend your head, and then shake it. That's the topper. They will think they did something wrong.

​Don't Sound American
Every other citizen from anywhere else in the world sounds closer to an Israeli than an American. 
If you're American, chances are you will never fully master these techniques, without my coaching. I would suggest you just grunt and point a lot. Maybe do an 'ehhh' sound. Otherwise, you will get ripped off.

We'll work on Arabic names next time. Machmud, Achmad, Waleed. Just open your mouth, yawn and growel. That's the best I can do to help you pronounce Middle Eastern names properly.

Israelis are amazing people. Take their kindness and understanding of the true use of silent letters, and enjoy the beauty of their giving. Just make sure they don't use words like sheet, beach, or focus. It sounds wrong.

Announcements
From now on, all Onegs have to have everybody from the congregation. We should all share the same amount of communal depression when we delight in Shabbat.
 
Strollers have been covering up the entrance of the shul, people have been complaining they can’t get into shul. This is not the reason there hasn't been a Minyin for the past three weeks. It's just that people who haven't shown up have used that as a complaint. As they haven't been to shul, they needed something to complain about.
To note: We've had more than forty kids showing up on Shabbat morning, as they don't have to join Minyin.

To reiterate. As we have reiterated every few months, we figure to reiterate here, again. There are too many strollers right at the door. We know parents don't care. Otherwise, they would move one of them to the side.
We don't have a stroller parking area. Though, we're trying to figure one out.

Pushing strollers in the sanctuary is wrong, even if the child is crying and you're trying to get your baby to sleep. We've told Mrs. Heimowitz to stop.
Clarification, as parents will complain: We're not saying to not bring kids to shul. We're suggesting there are too many of them. Please choose your decent kids. Many of you have children that are not right. Any kid that attacks other kids for candy, and rips up their Shabbat pants jumping on the floor at a Bar Mitzvah, should be kept away from people. Especially if that kid is coming to shul in a stroller.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom Selfish People with Kids...

(Devarim 16:18) We need Shoftim and Shoftim. We need police and judges in our shul... We have a bouncer guy... I understand he's security, but he scares people. He's a bouncer... Too many arguments with the Gabai recently. We need a judge to ensure that his calling up Binyamin for an Aliyah is not illegal according to Jewish law... I don't think violence against the Gabai is called for. Though, sometimes he deserves... We need policing to ensure baby carriages don't cover up the shul's entrance... Yes. It's dangerous.
If people can't get in, can they get out?! The strollers are a fire safety hazard. 

And no more trying to get your baby to sleep in the middle of shul... I understand the carriage is not in today. That's good. Though, you've been walking around burping the kid the whole Shacharit... Nobody wants to see you bobbing up and down...
You've been bouncing and dancing. Do you not realize what you look like when you are holding your kid... You look like a fool. If you did that bopping dance without a kid in your arms, it would be messed up.
If you did that at any other time... I have never seen that dance... I used to watch Soul Train...
​
(Devarim 16:19) 'You shall not pervert judgment.' You pervert... The board perverts everything. Every decision they make is a perversion of Yiddishkeit... Then they're just bad decisions. They're fools...
(16:19 cont.) 'you shall not show favoritism, and you shall not take a bribe, for bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts just words'... There's a lot of perversion in this shul. Just perverts of shul life... I don't know how much the Minkowitz family is giving the shul... There is no reason Sol Minkowitz's picture is placed next to the rabbis of honor row. It is a perversion... You are all led by money. You want to look good for Minkowitz. It's pathetic... You also want to be popular... 
You're going to tell me that Minkowitz getting an Aliyah is not favoritism? He got called up to the Torah... Felsenblum got Galilah. Rolling the Torah is pathetic... That's an anti-honor in shul... Yes. Opening the ark is an honor. Galilah is a task...
Fred doesn't keep Shabbis either. Why doesn't he get an Aliyah?... I know he doesn't have money. That's what the Pasuk is saying...
Jumping at the candies, and yet sitting in strollers... Make them walk to shul. It's a perversion of childcare. Perverted people... If they can whack other kids to get candy, they can walk to shul...
Burping your baby in shul is a perversion.

(16:21) 'You also shall not plant an Asherah. '... Not just idol worship. Even planting this tree. I've seen some of your gardens... Messed up plants growing on your homes... The siding of the house should not be a flower bed... It's horizontal... The front of the shul, messed up now...
(cont.) 'Any tree near the altar of God, you shall not plant for yourself.'  That garden in front of the shul is not for God. God never said, 'Plant me lilacs.'
You don't plant or build on the Temple Mount (Rashi)... Because you would mess it up with lillies... H' doesn't need your bad taste at His place of emenance. Your gardens are messed up... That's why H' says to just leave it brick. No plants...
A little respect for the shul. Can I say that...
​
Listen to me???? Why? The Torah says so.
(Devarim 17:9-12) You have to listen to the Kohens, Levis and judges. Everything they teach you, you shall do... 'And you shall guard to do like all that they teach you'... I teach you... Yes. I teach. You don't show up to the classes. How many times have I taught you to put on Tefillin correctly? Every morning, it's off to the side. It looks pathetic, Frank...
What I teach is Torah...
I've taught you where to put the strollers. You don't listen... A perversion of stroller placement...
The man who doesn't listen, 'he shall die, and you shall remove evil from your midst...' Which is why we should get rid of the board.
I am not saying that the mothers that put the strollers in the wrong place should be stoned. Though, it's evil.... Nobody wants to see you burping your kid in shul. It's against what we teach, and it's a perversion...
Did we not learn that we shall not take bribes, because it affects our actions? It affects our decision making?... Taking bribes is a perversion. Against what we taught. Should the board be stoned?...

These candies are a bribe. Coming to shul in a stroller. Can't walk... Your kid jumped out of the stroller and bit other kids for the taffies. No child would show to youth groups without jellies... It's all bribes.
All of you have messed up concepts of what is right and wrong, as you have been bribed. You are trying to do what is right for other people. Not for God. No moral compass. 
You move a stroller like this... And that is why we need Shoftim and Shotrim.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi started showing everybody how to move a stroller. He mimed it. He then started miming a fake wall, and a rope pull.

​If the Minkowitzs were burping their kid in shul, everybody would say it was cute. 
Everybody in our shul is a pervert of money and popularity. They all want to be part of the cool crew. That's how the cool crowd gets good seats for the High Holidays. I'm stuck in the bleachers. They cool crew has front row seats. They can hear the Kah Kaylee prayer.

Many congregants would like to remove the strollers from the shul. Others believe the kids are an integral part of Minyin. We had one week with no kids in shul and there were no interruptions.
Kids love coming to shul. The people that chill in the hall also love coming to shul. I think sitting in the sanctuary when you're in shul really kills the shul experience. Many of the board member are trying to reconfigure shul to be a place where there is no shul. They feel it will bring more people to shul.

The rabbi's new method of addressing the annoying people he's going to be speaking to, in the beginning of the sermon, is brilliant. This way, the congregants know he's addressing them.

They really do look like fools, walking around with their kids. with that bobbing dance.

An oneg with all the congregants would be painful.  ​Fran truly depresses people. Inviting all the congregants is the correct thing to do. The same rule holds true for Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. Having all members at the Simchas truly helps the congregants feel the exile and the destruction of the Temple.

The rabbi is now working on a Halachik work (Jewish law) to address the issue of Gabais and when physically attacking them is OK.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to the joy of BBQs during the Nine Days, Tu BAv love and excitement of seeing your name on a Coke bottle in Hebrew, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how the only thing in Israel that excites him is a Coke bottle.

Last week, we talked about the beautiful Tish experience, where the Chasidim stare at the rebbe while he eats. A beautiful tradition that kills the rebbe's dinner arrangements with his family. I argued with the Chasidim at the Tish and told them to 'let the rebbe eat.' Instead, they were staring at him and taking his food. Truth be told, I got involved in taking the food as well. Once I realized I didn't have to pay for it, I scarfed down a lot of potato kugel.
As I followed my Chassidic friends again this week, I learned that the rebbe is constantly followed; not just when he's eating. They follow him to work, when he's shopping, on holidays. There are always tons of Chasidim around the rebbe. And for good reason. Here is more of what I learned of the beautiful tradition of following the rebbe.

You Follow the Rebbe To Learn
They learn from every one of his actions. He purchases a hat, they all try to get that hat. He picks up Cabernet Sauvignon, that's what they're all making Kiddish on. He goes for a walk, all Chasidim are getting exercise. Which is why rebbes are suggested to go on walks by health professionals. For the health of their community. He's sleeping, they're there. 'How does the rebbe sleep?... He snores. I need to start snoring.'
I heard of one rebbe who cared very much for his Chasidim. The opthalmologist gave him a new prescription and suggested he change his frames, and go for a new style. Rebbes can be very stylish. The rebbe said, 'I can't change my frames. I can't do that to my Chasidim.'
I heard that the rebbe was followed into the hospital as well. That might have been because the Chasidim wanted to fulfill the Mitzvah of Bikur Cholim, visiting the sick. However, there were three hundred of his pupils in the room. They had a Tish around the rolling table.

The Amazing Site of Chasidim At the Kotel
Before the Tish, earlier on Erev Shabbat, I saw the Chasidim following the rebbe at the Kotel. That's how the evening of Shabbat starts. I saw the rebbe walking and the Chasidim running after him. If it was my congregants, I would've been yelling, 'They're following me.' I would've went straight to Kotel security, and told them to deal with their questions.
Upon seeing the sea of Chasidim following the rebbe, I noticed the greatest miracle of all. The rebbe was walking, and all the Chasidim were speed walking and running. And yet, somehow, they were all in the same place. How that works is a miracle. It just shows how great the rebbe is. The rebbe walks at a leisurely pace and the Chasidim are running, and yet, they're always catching up. And his legs are not very long.

The Relationship Never Stops
I went to the previous rebbe's Kever (gravesite) and there were tons of Chasidim there too. First, they're by their rebbe when eating, and now at the Kever. ​Even at his grave, they're asking him to talk to Gd for them. They never give him a break. I was telling them, 'Let the rebbe sleep.' 
As I said, 'Let the rebbe sleep. Let him have some peace,' I noticed some of the Chasidim writing notes and placing them in the Kever. They were worried he lost his hearing. 

No Sleep For the Rebbe
The life of the rebbe is one of giving to the community. It starts with the loss of privacy, where they're knocking on your door and asking you questions, while you try to deal with taking out the trash. It then goes to them following you wherever you walk. It leads to not being able to get in a decent prayer meditation at the Kotel. Then, they're showing up to your dinner, and eating your food. And finally, they're at your grave, still asking you questions. The giving never stops.

If I learned anything, the relationship with the rebbe is eternal. And at the Kever, I noticed them eating sponge cake. I believe one of them had leftovers from the Tish.

​Announcements
The yearly shul kickoff BBQ will take place next Sunday. Our shul begins the Jewish new year with Labor Day. Not Rosh Hashana.
Nobody will help with cleanup at the BBQ. We thought we should put that in the announcements, as that is part of the yearly event. No help from any congregant. To note, we don't consider manning the grill to be a help. That's hanging out. We don't need eighteen people manning the grill again, this year.
 
Members seem to be planning for holidays already. Holidays are a month and a half away. Calm down. The board doesn't seem to care about the holidays. Seats have not been assigned to lifetime members. There wasn't even a Yizkur appeal. Please don't care yourselves. The Lulav and Etrog will come when the holiday starts. Please stop asking about the Hadasim and Aravot now. The willow branches never make it through the first days of Sukkot. They won't last two months.
We are trying to tell everybody to calm down, as the rabbi doesn't want to answer any more questions.
We will not be taking sacrifices. Though we are called a Temple, we are not the Beit Mikdash. All sacrifices must be brought to Jerusalem. Please ask the Israeli government about it when you get there.
To answer any other questions you have, we will be sure to get donation for people who have passed away, around the High Holidays time. Please keep that in mind, if you come to shul.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin...

Rosh Chodesh Elul is upon us. The month of repentance. And you have a lot to repent for...
Do Mitzvahs. For crying out loud. Do Mitzvot... Why?! You want to get cursed? You want Milka going off on you?...

(Devarim 11:27) A Bracha if you follow the Mitzvot…
Why this has to be spelled out. Have you ever seen a Mitzvah chart? You never see, 'Yankel got Mitzvah points for hitting Esther'... If you sin, you get cursed. You don't get gummies. Why do I have to spell this out every week?
(Devarim 11:29-30) The ‘Bracha on Har Grizim and Klalah on Har Eival... Are they not on the other side of the Jordan????' Why Moshe has to give a geographical lesson. Does nobody know where the Jordan River is?... I just find that none of you study. You look to me for everything... I have to spell out everything for you.
The Bracha comes when you do the Mitzvot... Do something. Try to do a Mitzvah. Just one. Something decent. Something kind. Maybe hold a door open for somebody. Something... Then look back. You open a door. You look back... I know that sometimes you have to stand there for a while. I waited eight minutes for Hymie... It was twelve feet. I didn't know somebody could take so many steps and move so little...
You have a lot of repenting to do.
This shul is full of Eival... The board. The back left... I think the new kid's name is Eival. That's how bad this shul is. One of the families named their kid a curse. They knew that they would bring their kid, and he would have to sit with Bernie… Eival... It's a curse to see him.
 
(Devarim 12:1) 'These are the statues and ordinances that you shall guard to do in the Land God gave you'... All of them. The Mitzvot. Every one of them... Not just the one about not being jealous... We're not negotiating here. You have to keep the Mitzvot... Bracha.
You guard them... You want the Mitzvot flying around or something? You guard them. Take care of them. You don't want them stolen... Stealing is Asur, Bernie. It's forbidden. You guard the Mitzvot... It's all Eival here. Even the community BBQ. Eival. 
You do the Mitzvot right and guard them... You keep them like they're supposed to be kept. Guarded. Without Sharon talking the whole sermon... 
 
(Devarim 12:5) You bring the sacrifices to Jerusalem... It's where H' chose...
Sacrificing in other places is idol worship... There are correct places. You pray in shul. You don't talk the whole time... You don't practice stealing on vacation in Florida... 
That was a BBQ. Not a sacrifice. The shul BBQ was messed up. But that was because nobody helped... Helping is a Mitzvah. The place to do that is at shul...
Yes. You bring cattle to Jerusalem too... You can travel with cattle.
When?
(Devarim 12:7) Eat it there and 'you shall be happy.'
That's how we know it's done on the Rigalim. You're happy on the holidays... Yes. A commandment to be happy on holidays. A commandment to be happy... I know it's hard for you. With these people around, it's not easy. But it's a blessing to be happy... We're Eival here.
Nobody is happy here on holidays. Nobody is happy here ever. I've seen you onegs... The pain you suffer on Shabbis does make it look more religious. But it's painful. It's a curse. Eival
The holidays are coming up... No. I am not happy. I have seen what you guys are planning for the Sukkot decorations. A pumpkin in the Sukkah doesn't make me happy...
And then the Yom Kippur program??? A Yom Kippur program?! It’s called prayer... You don't need a program for prayer, other than prayer. Programs don't draw people. Less prayer does...
 
(Devarim 12:8) 'Don't do like that which we do here today. Every man what is right in his eyes.' Look around the shul. Do nothing like that which you see here... It's not a board, Bernie... Everything. What is right in your eyes.
You guys barely pray. You decorate Sukkahs with carpets on walls. It makes no sense. The shul needs a new carpet... When everybody does what is right in their eyes, we get a community quilt... It's pathetic. It's Eival.
We see what goes on in our shul when people do what they think is right... Right in their eyes? The purple and pink Tallis. It clashes. Our Tish... It is the most messed up Oneg Shabbat. Only harmony. No melody... Because you all do what is right in your eyes... That's the curse. That's Eival… Your ideas are Eival… We are at Eival, singing a messed up harmony... I like to call it 90 solos at the same time....
The BBQ has 18 different style hamburgers. None of which are done well...
Buying Hadasim and Aravot two months before Sukkot... What is right in your eyes, is messed up God's eyes...

I have to sacrifice for this shul. That's why I vacation in Jerusalem.
Don’t do like that which we do here today in our shul… It’s messed up. The Siddurs are all ripped....
It's Rosh CHodesh Elul. Do Teshuva. Do what is right in H's eyes... For a Bracha Bernie. Finally. A blessing...
Bernie is an Eival.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
It was good that the rabbi could give such vivid descriptions of curses and Mount Eival with Bernie. It made the sermon more educational.
I believe the rabbi wants Bracha in the shul, though he considers the shul Eival. I think the rabbi meant to say ‘evil’ the whole time. Eival was his code for calling people evil.
Eival is actually the name of the death metal band the Gabai plays bass for. Them performing at the Purim Seudah last year was a bit much for Sadie.

The rabbi called the congregation a curse. Milka comes to shul and just curses people.
Milka loves cursing people. She usually curses under her breath. I appreciate it more when I hear her curses. The whole sermon, she was cursing out Bernie and the board. She gets into the rabbi's Drashas.

I like how the rabbi called us all sinners to start the sermon. It reminded us how bad we are, as Elul, the month of repentance is coming. The rabbi should start each sermon with telling the members their sinners. It prepares them for the his weekly message. The message is that we're sinners and we have to do Mitzvahs.
I think every sermon is about how we don't do Mitzvahs. Looking back. That is the theme.

The rabbi tried scoring another free trip to Jerusalem.

It does look more religious to be sad and not happy. My first time at Anshei Emes uSefilah, I thought it was extremely orthodox. More than ultra-orthodox. It was extreme. Extreme is more than ultra. Then I realized they're just very mad and not happy. When I found out the Mitzvah of being happy on holidays, I realized the members are not very religious.
I think they get mad around holidays time. They don't like cleaning.
 
That announcement about money for death scared a lot of people away from coming to shul on Yom Kippur this year. I think appeal cards scare people. Though people came to the program.
Due to the rabbi's sermon, the Yom Kippur program this year was no praying. It was a half hour discussion about sinning. Many of the members shined at the discussion. They knew a lot about sinning. Definite sinners.
The 'no prayer' advertisement drew tons of people. It was a huge hit. They got more people than the rabbi had in the sanctuary. To draw more people to the Yom Kippur program next year, they're thinking about serving refreshments. 

The rabbi is right. People doing what is right in their eyes is how we ended up with the messed-up chapel with the ark facing out on the Mexican side. We face Mexico when we pray. I know one couple in the shul is praying for a decent Pesach hotel down there this year.

A Tish is a table, a Rebbe's table. I'm not a rebbe. Though, I am a rabbi, and I can tell you that pupils can be very annoying. They follow you everywhere. Ask you questions at the weirdest times. There's a cost to being the spiritual leader. I was once asked a question about my pupil's garden in the middle of a funeral service. No boundaries. I told them tomatoes are a nice addition, and I continued with Bernie's eulogy.
I wanted to see how Chasidim followed their rebbe. So, I joined a Friday night Tish. It was an experience, and I respect the rebbe for putting up with his pupils. A great rebbe.

The Tish Began
They were all looking at the rebbe. Staring at him. He was sitting at the table and they were watching him the whole time. They brought out the food, he started eating, and they all kept on staring at him. I was bothered. I felt bad, and I told them, 'Let the Rebbe eat.'
It's impossible to be sitting at your table, enjoying your food, with everybody looking at you. Have you ever tried eating with people staring at you? You can't. You chew and you're asking yourself if you chewed wrong. A bit of privacy and you can enjoy the Kishka. Here, they're looking at him the whole time. Attentively looking at him. He spills and he knows that's what they're going to be talking about for the next few months. All the Chasidim saying, 'The rebbe's Becher is too big.'
The rebbe is stuck eating tiny bites of Challah. He knows the Chasidim will be talking, 'Did you see the huge bite? He must've been very hungry today.' This rebbe couldn't do anything without them watching.

Every Move The Rebbe Makes is Important and Analyzed
The rebbe, the spiritual leader he is, all of his actions are holy. So, the Chasidim take each move to heart, and analyze it. The rebbe trips, 'Why did he trip?... It must be something you're supposed to do on Shabbis Mevorchim, when we bless the new month. It's tradition. You trip when you're blessing the month of Elul.' Every move is important. The rebbe goes for a dental appointment, it's what the Chasidim are talking about. The dentist is booked for half a year. They're arguing, 'I told you that clean teeth are important. As a community, we have to start flossing more. It's what the rebbe wants.'
At the Tish,  you could hear them whispering to one another, 'And the rebbe is walking to the table... He is now sitting... And he is washing his hands. The crowd is silent.' I heard some of the Chasidim next to me doing a play-by-play, 'The Rebbe is cutting the Challah... Now. He's pouring the salt.' The other guy was commentating, 'He poured too much salt. He has a bad heart. He has to watch it.' 

The Bleachers
Watching the rebbe really is an event. It's kind of like being at huge sports event. That's why they have bleachers and a play-by-play.
They had the big table, with the rebbe at the front, and a bunch of the head Chasidim sitting around the table, and then huge bleachers all around to watch the spectacle. Around a thousand fans watching the rebbe, from the bleachers. 
The Chasidim love watching it, as each move of the rebbe is holy. Even the rebbe eating. I know this, as I heard, 'And they're now bringing out the fish forks. I believe it's gefilte fish tonight.' The next guy shouted with excitement, 'It is gefilte fish. Holy fish.'

The Rebbe's Cup
That's an expensive cup. I was wondering where the community monies go to. It goes to the Becher.

The Chasidim Take His Food Too
They call it Shiraim. This is where the food becomes holy and the Chasidim steal it from the rebbe. The rebbe's taking in some boiled chicken, and they're all reaching for it, 'The rebbe's eating chicken.' Kugel comes out, they're all reaching for it, yelling, 'It's Lokshen Kugel.' 
He took his first bite, and bam, all the Chasidim are reaching for his food. They're not just staring at his food. They're taking it. One Chasid hurled himself at the table, yelling, 'He touched it. It's holy.' 
This is why the guy was excited about the rebbe eating gefilte fish. He wanted to grab at the grounded up carp.
I'm just happy that the holiness didn't cause a scuffle in the bleachers. My hands didn't move fast enough to get any Kugel. My Tish reaching abilities are undeveloped.

The Most Beautiful Songs
That's what I noticed it was all about. Holiness and a shared spiritual Shabbat experience.
The rebbe is a conductor. He lifted his hand, and they got louder. He banged the table, and the zeal of the Chasidim shined.
The dancing was amazing as well. The step forward step back in a non-moving line, with intertwined arms is a beautiful staple of the Tish. It was modern Israeli dancing at its best.
It became more lively as the evening went on. When the rebbe started banging, the Chasidim were announcing, 'He wants us to sing with more enthusiasm.' And the singing became even more beautifully intense. Some even started doing the backhanded Shabbat clap, where you clap the back of your hand with your palm, to make it different from a regular clap (which you can hear), due to musical instrument laws on Shabbat. In the end, the dancing line turned into Davening. I think they were praying. They were definitely shuckling.

The Rebbe Reacts
I heard the rebbe talking, as the Chasidim did. I went near him, as he started banging more. I wanted to know what he was really saying, as the Chasidim became more committed to the songs and prayer dance. He was banging and saying, 'Where is My Tzimis? Who took the Tzimis? And where is the Kugel? It was here a second ago. Was it Yankel? He always takes my food. That was a good Kugel. Who took it?!'
His hands went in the air, and I as I approached closer, I heard, 'Where’s my wife? Did they kick her out? We were supposed to eat together.' And then he banged again, 'That is not how you harmonize!!! Get the harmony down!!! You don’t sing like that... And clapping with the back of your hand doesn't work. You don’t clap like this!!!' And the Chasidim were still all singing. With one more hit of the table, the Chasidim sang with more fervor, and the rebbe yelled out, 'Where are the napkins?! You've all taken my food with your hands, and there are no napkins.' At which point, the sponge cake came out and the rebbe didn't even get a chance to touch it, before the Chasidim took it. 
It was Yankel who stole it. 

To sum it up, it was a beautiful Erev Shabbat. The respect the Chasidim have for their rebbe is admirable. My congregation wants me fired. I believe the rebbe appreciates that his pupils don't want him to have any downtime. They look up to his every action.
The rebbe loves his Chasidim. I just believe that at this Tish, he wanted some of his food for himself. It's just sometimes hard for the rebbe to get a decent meal, without being bothered. I am just happy my congregants are a bunch of heretics.

Next week, we shall focus on how the Chasidim follow the rebbe, and don't let him rebbe sleep.

What kind of a kitten comes from the Middle East? A Chukat. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chukat is the Parsha. You mispronounce it, and the pun works. Do the Israeli chach, 'Chet' sound for a while. And it can be funny. The Chu is the purr. This pun is all about delivery. It takes a lot of effort to make this one work. But if you commit, you can educate people on Hebrew, and how the Middle Eastern people talk.
 
How do you curse a nation? Bil-em. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Bill them. Bilam was the prophet Balak sent for to curse the Jews. When you say Bilam fast, it sounds like 'bill them.' You've got to say the pun fast. 'Am' is a nation. Bill the nation. Nobody likes paying bills. That's a curse. Educational. You can learn from puns too.
 
What do we call it when people can't find hot water for their coffee in times of morning? Bein HaMeykarim. ​(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Now is the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, called the Bein HaMeitzarim (between the sorrows). Bein HaMeykarim (between the cold waters) almost sounds the same. People mourn not having their coffee in the morning. Morning. Mourning. That's another pun you can work with. We're here to help.
 
How do Chasidim ask when you're going to read this week's Parsha? Masai.
You get it? Masai is the second Parsha we read that week. Matai means when. Masai is how Frum people say it. If the name of the Parsha wasn't Masai, we wouldn't have a pun this week.
 
How do you know it’s Tisha BAv? When you see the table on the ceiling. (Mordechai)
You get it? Knowing Yiddish helps with puns. Tish is a table. Above means above. Ceilings are above. You have to say Tisha BAv fast, with an American Ashkenazi accent, for this to work. On Tisha BAv we don't eat, so it doesn't matter if the table is on the ceiling.
 
They met for coffee on their Shidduch date. A few minutes later they were engaged in drinking. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Engaged to get married. They're just drinking. Engaged works for both. Coffee leads to engagement.
 
You may not like the taste of sand. Though, It tastes like desert. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Desert. Dessert. Jews ate Manna in the desert.. Don't know if that was dessert. We needed a no dessert in the desert pun. Mispronounce 'desert' and it's brilliant.

​Announcements
Ripping people off at garage sales is forbidden. The rabbi said it's Asur, along with Bernie asking questions. You can't sell your garbage and call it an antique, cause it's too old and has no use. It's called a faulty sale (Mekach Taot). We understand you don't want wicker chairs. That doesn't make them antiques. But no lying and saying it's better than plastic.
 
The shul day camp was not a success. Just wanted to report something else the congregants did that wasn't successful, thanks to the board.
 
We're cutting back the rabbi’s office hours. He offered to drink coffee with people in his office. That was a mistake, along with being the rabbi of the shul with this congregation. His caffeine levels are too high, as he’s developed a relative addiction. To help him wean off coffee, we’re cutting back office hours and meetings to a half hour a day.
The rabbi also offered to drink tea, before we let him know that has caffeine as well. He didn’t know that. The Mountain Dew meetings have also stopped. He thought that was like Sprite.
 
The board has decided to leave out all the names of ancestors from the Yizkor pamphlet, unless the family paid, as they figured that will offend people the most. The board wants everybody to know that death is only important if you donate it.
Fulfilling the idea of stomping on Mitzvot, as Parshat Ekev tells us it's because of the Mitzvot we stomp on that we are rewarded as a people, the board and the new president want the members to know they're not important. The new president, who joined last year, decided to also charge entrance to Minyins, as people haven't paid dues. Shacharit is now a $15 entrance. If anybody doesn't pay for the right to say Kaddish, they will be bounced from the shul for heckling the performer, or Chazin.              
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin...

(Devarim 8:1) The Mitzvot are so that we will live and inherit the Land... You do stuff to get something in return... Nobody here has ever done a favor for anybody without hope of an inheritance. Why anybody says Hi to Bernie, Hymie and Fran... You haven't visited your mother-in-law, because Medicare took all of her money... You were trying to get a deal on the microwave and fan at the garage sale, Sarah. That's the only reason you smiled...

(Devarim 8:2) We're told to remember the desert were we were afflicted and tested. I remember everything this congregation has done to me. The pain you've caused. I have been afflicted by a board... We were in the desert for 40 years. In harsh condition. That's how God sees if we're going to serve Him. He could've just had them spend a Shabbis with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei EMes ESefillah. If they were here with Bernie, Sarah, and the board, they would understand... Was Bernie in the desert?... Being your rabbi is harsh conditions.
God knows I’m committed.
It was harsh conditions. It was like camp... They were all living on bunk beds, Michael.
The stuff they had wasn't as bad as the stuff you were selling at the shul's garage sale. If they would've had the stuff you were selling, that would've been a test... A black and white TV??!... The wicker is full of mold. The wicker was afflicted with Feldstein... You can get mold off wicker. Wicker attracts mold and the Feldstein affliction stays. Sell better stuff. Plastic doesn't get mold... Haggling with Bernie is a test. There was no board in the desert. That's the only positive. The Jews were tested, but not like me...
Grandma Faye's broken lawn chair is not an inheritance.,,
 
When things are hard...
When we needed to set up for the annual dinner, you ran. When we you had to pay for your kids to go to the shul's camp, you ran. You even stopped coming when the shul realized you were only coming to see me for free coffee... The shul lobby was like a free Starbucks... Running because the board only cares about death. The president... The one sitting to my right... Yes you. Plaques and the Yizkur pamphlets are their inheritance. You can't take that away. They were afflicted with this generation. Give honor to those who are not with us anymore.

H' protected us in the desert and He chastised us like a father chastises his son... Similar to the way Mark screams at Rafi. Yes.
It's simple. Follow rules... I know that nobody here does. (Devarim 8:6) 'Guard the MItzvot of H' to go in His ways and to fear Him.' That's all you need to do... I chastise you, because the parents do nothing in this shul. They let the kids run around.

This is why we go to Israel. To practice the Mitzvot and fear H.' It's moving back home... I know the Feldstein kids ran. I get it... No. Michael. You've got to get out of the house already. And same for you Reuven... Rachel's parents love having her at the home. That's different. She respects her parents and takes out the garbage... House rules. She follows them. And she even sold some of the garbage at the garage sale.

(Devarim 7:17-21) 'Don't fear any of the nations'... When you practice Mitzvot you don't have to worry... We have to worry about the building fund, because nobody follows the rules here... Mitzvot are rules. Commandments are rules. We have shul rules that you don't push strolers through the shul... You put names in the Yizkur book.
'Be broken' are the words. You won't break me.
It's in the desert that we learned not to fear. After being here, with this congregation, I fear no one... Why do you think I developed a caffeine addiction???! Dealing with... You will not break me.

You do stuff because of a relationship. You trust in God. We built that relationship in the desert. And hence, we're ready for an inheritance. You trust, and you don't fear others... If you would've sent your kids to the shul day camp, they would know bad conditions. They would understand they have to give something to the relationship, other than ruining the shul's walls... The hallway is not a bouncy house.
You smile at people because they're good to you... It's a relationship. I'm not talking about when they try to sell you wicker... You give deals at garage sales... You light up plaques and put people in the Yizkur pamphlets. They dealt with this congregation, and didn't break. Their inheritance is those plaques. That's our relationship with the past. Not with this president...
It's a relationship. They paid their dues. They showed to Minyin. They respected their rabbi. They sent their kids to day camp.

You sit with the rabbi. It's a relationship. You show up to day camp, to support. You don't rip off people with messed up bedding at a garage sale... It's not about the inheritance. You do it, and you will get the inheritance... If you need to pay for a plaque, you do it... I understand that you were trying to sell your inheritance at the shul's garage sale.
Maybe if you remembered the desert, you'd smile at people and be kind... You don't need an inheritance from Mark... He's not even related to you... Smile at him, because it's a shul rule. It's a Mitzvah... Names go in the Yizkur books... It's a rule. And then people give money.
If people just did their part... We had to skip four Aliyahs, because nobody did their part... I understand the president is now charging up front... You hit them up with envelopes afterwards. That's how you get their inheritance. Nobody goes up to the Torah for an Aliyah, to pay...
 
The Jews show their commitment doing Mitzvot. Do those in harsh conditions and show your worthy of the inheritance. If you can practice Mitzvot around the heretics sitting in the back left of our shul...
What do you do? How do you show your commitment, to be able to inherit this shul?... I’ve dealt with you.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I think the rabbi was claiming the shul as his at the end of his sermon. He said he dealt with enough here, and that he keeps the Mitzvot.

The rabbi looked at everybody and told them they will not break him. It was like he was sticking up to the bully. He turned to the president and reiterated that he won't be broken.
The rabbi doesn't like the president. He says the president thinks he's running a business. He doesn't get it. Businesses don't have this much money. You have to be a nonprofit to have the money we have. He's firing people. He's charging for everything now. The president even went over to Sadie at Kiddish and told her, 'That Kichel will be three dollars. Rugulach are four a piece.'

After dealing with the board, we know the rabbi is committed to the shul.
The rabbi gave his sermon in three minutes. He talked real fast this week. I think the coffee is getting to him. The rabbi made it clear that his relative addiction is to caffeine and it's not an addiction to his relatives, as he doesn't like them well enough.
The Mountain Dew meetings were a bit much.
 
The garage sale was messed up. They wanted to sell a lamp for eighty dollars because it was their grandparents' lamp. They said it's in the same condition their grandparents gave it. Their grandparents broke it.
We have to respect our ancestors. The rabbi made that part of his new charter. He called it the Torah. Having children that are the members of the shul now is an affliction they all suffered before they died. They deserve plaques.

The rabbi gave the best fundraising advice. You do stuff to honor those who passed, you get rid of the president, and then they'll give the money. Then the shul ends up getting the inheritance.

The Chofetz Chaim (Rav Yisrael Meir Kagan) was taking a train back to Radin. I believe it was Radin, as that's where he lived, and had his Yeshiva. None of his Talmidim (students) would drive him. Respecting your rabbi has limits. The roads in Poland aren't paved very well. They asked who would escort their rabbi, around the Yeshiva, and nobody showed up to Shiur that day.

This Jewish guy was sitting next to him on the train. Jews like to sit next to Jews on long trips. It gives a decent amount of time to figure out if they know the same people you know.
This guy visiting Radin jumps right to the Chofetz Chaim. Everybody in Radin knows the Chofetz Chaim. Every Jew religious Jew in the world knows the Chofetz Chaim. If you're going to call that Jewish geography, that's pathetic.

He starts talking to the Chofetz Chaim, not knowing it is he, the Chofetz Chaim. You can't get any privacy on the train. The Jews will find you. The Chofetz Chaim is trying to get some rest, and now he's got to listen to this guy's thoughts on the deli in Lvov. The Chofetz Chaim is thinking, 'Even when they don't know I'm the Chofetz Chaim, they still ask me questions. I can't get away from this. I could be a tailor and they would bother me.'

The guy on the train starts saying how he's going to meet the great Tzadik of Radin, the Chofetz Chaim. If he would've read Shmirat HaLashon, the Chofetz Chaim's book on not speaking Lashon Hara (bad about people), he would know that was Avak Lashon Hara. So, he's going to meet the Chofetz Chaim, without learning his work. You go to meet Stephen King, you read The Shining.
The Chofetz Chaim responded, 'Why are going there? He's not that great. He's just a simple Jew.' And the Jewish guy got angry, started the cursing the Chofetz Chaim and hit him.

He then came to visit the Chofetz Chaim in his house, and he was embarrassed. The Chofetz Chaim is sitting there with a shiner. He's now asking himself, 'How shall I ask the Chofetz Chaim for blessings and advice about having kids? I clocked him pretty good.' He didn't know what to do. He continued asking himself, 'How did I not realize it's you, the Chofetz Chaim... Now that I see his right side, it's him.'
The man asked for forgiveness, and the Chofetz Chaim said that he needn't ask for forgiveness. The Chofetz Chaim was thankful he got hit. He had written an entire book about not speaking Lashon Hara, and he missed the law of not speaking Lashon Hara about oneself. 
And the guy offered to hit the Chofetz Chaim again.

And the Chofetz Chaim learned you can't talk to anybody. You can't say anything to people without offending them, even if it's about yourself. From then on, he was afraid to crack jokes. This was before the Will Smith incident.
From then on, The Chofetz Chaim then had to say he was great. But he didn't. As he knows that that's Avak Lashon Hara about yourself.

Lessons of What Followed
The Chofetz Chaim's students realized it was time for a picture of the Chofetz Chaim to get out. So, they had him pose with a big Kippah.
If they had put out a decent photo of the Chofetz Chaim, this whole incident could've been avoided.

All simple Jews were offended. Till now, they thought it was an honor to be a Jew. As they learned from the story, being a Jew is not a very important thing.

The Chofetz Chaim should've smacked him for speaking Avak Lashon Hara.
The real lesson is to never speak about yourself in third person. What's amazing is 
that when the Rebbe of Lublin said he wasn't that great, he was praised. The Chofetz Chaim gets pummeled. It goes to show how times change.
Thanks to this guy, now the Chofetz Chaim had to write another book.

We don't know where the Chofetz Chaim was traveling from. It was definitely a violent area.
After leaving town, the guy spread word about how the Chofetz Chaim can take a hit. Word spread and the Chofetz Chaim got a reputation, and nobody messed with him anymore.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe also said one shouldn't speak Lashon Hara about themselves, but he didn't have to take a hit for it.

The Chofetz Chaim left the guy's name out of the story, as that would be Lashon Hara. And thus, we have many beautiful Jewish stories that are never told. When it comes to Tziporah and Moshe, they talk about them. But that's it. And I believe there's a leniency somewhere to talk Lashon Hara about your rabbi, as that's a tradition in all Jewish communities.
 
Please note that we feel bad telling this story, as it might be Lashon Hara.

***See Alei Tamar on the Yerushalmi. If I got the story wrong, you should blame Rav Yisachar Tamar Alav HaShalom.

Last time we discussed the interior of the Jewish home and how you must use tinfoil. Now that the kitchen is tinfoiled, let's focus on the exterior.

The House Should Take Up The Whole Property
Make sure the house takes up the whole property. This is Frum tradition that started in Boro Park. Frum Jews don’t waste, unless if it’s plastic dishware. Tin is never a waste. For this reason, you want to use your whole property for the house.
Hasagas Gvul may be a law to not infringe on other people's property, but that’s not when we’re talking about the size of your house. Your home should hug right up against your neighbor’s house. Though, there should be around six inches between the homes, so that stuff can fall.
The goal is to have no lawn, and to never be able to get to stuff you lost between the homes. You don’t want to have to cut grass. Personally, I was going to buy an acre in the suburbs, but that’s too much to build.
 
If You Have A Front Lawn Use It
Your only excuse for having a front lawn is that you're living in The Mountains. If you’re not in the city, everything should be treated like a bungalow. That means using the whole lawn for your stuff. All of it. Chairs go in the front yard. The BBQ in the front yard. The swing set, in the front. Kids, on the lawn. An extra freezer for ice pops. It’s communal living.
​You moved out to the bungalows. If anybody asks, you're living in the Nebraskan bungalows. If you tell people you ‘moved to the country,’ you might as well stop keeping Shabbis. You’re not Frum. No Jew moves to the country. They go to bungalows. And that means using your front lawn. All of it. 
 
Don’t Mow It
Nobody mows in the bungalows. You want it to look lived. Chairs knocked over, keep them there. Religious people don’t bend. It’s on the ground, because God wants it that way. The grass is not cut, because God wants it that way. Tree falls. Leave it there. That gives it more of a Mountains look. And God wants it that way.
Why they don't mow, is not the question. The tradition is to not mow. Frum Jews don't own lawnmowers. And they definitely don't clean their lawns. That's all I know. Even if you live in the suburbs, no lawnmower. That would be Maras Ayin, giving people the idea that you’re going to mow your lawn. Which means you're bending over and wasting time, and that's Asur (forbidden). You can't have people thinking that you're wasting time or getting exercise. You can’t mow while learning Torah. And you don't want to mow in suit pants or a dress.
 
Mezuzahs on the Doors
All doors should have Mezuzahs. Again, Mezuzahs are very important for drawing anti-Semites.
 
Renovations Should Be Done Always
You always need additions.
You should always be in the middle of a project. First you have to add another room. Then a third room, because you didn’t see those kids coming. Then you need to make the kitchen bigger. Then you need a bigger dining room. Then you join the dining room and living room because you have grandkids. Then you need other rooms for the kids visiting with their families, doubling as a lodge that makes no money.
There should always be a dumpster in front of your home.
 
Minivan in Driveway
You need a minivan. Without the minivan, you’re not religious. That’s proof you have less than five kids. Five kids is the Frum minimum.
 
Other Stuff You Can Do
Hang a salami. Anything that represents a deli is Jewish. You could even hang an awning with your name, and an apostrophe ‘s’ followed with ‘Delicatessen.’ For that matter, you can have a pickle barrel outside.
Have kids running around. Kids playing outside is Frum. It shows that you’re not willing to use the air-conditioning.
Tinfoil any area of your home that needs paint. The use of tinfoil is paramount for Jewish living.
No dogs. You can have cats, as those can be at your house by accident. 
Strollers. You need strollers. Strollers on the driveway. Strollers on the grass. A stroller on the porch, propping the door open. If you want to have a serious Frum home, you should at least be showing one double stroller on the front lawn. If you can have a double-decker stroller, a quadruple stroller is the best.
 
The general rule is it should look like Brooklyn or a bungalow. Nothing Victorian. Even if you’re living in Virginia, it’s a brownstone with additions or a shack. A huge building with no lawn, that takes up the whole property, or a hut with an unkempt front yard the kids can play on.

​Announcements 
The singles dinner for Tu BAv will take place next week. No singles signed up for the dinner tonight. We realized that charging money chases single people away. We also learned that they're not good at committing to anything. For this reason, the event will take place next week, with no commitment from anybody. We were advised that the exact numbers we should cook for is 'a lot.'
We will host them instead, so they don't have to give anything to anybody. They're not used to giving. 
 
No more Carlebach Chazins. No more jumpers. We need to be able to find you. From now on Cantors must stand at the Chazin’s podium. If you're leading services, you cannot end up in somebody's seat, or somewhere outside the shul.
 
There are Yahrzeits in the shul this week. Don't worry. The office will send you letters to make sure you donate money. All deaths are logged for financial reasons.
 
If you're single, please get married. It depresses us to have to see you in shul. You would look less pathetic with a Tallis or head-covering. Please. For the sake of the children of the shul and their hope for a decent future, get married. The parents of the shul are having a hard time explaining you.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Congregants and Single People who Don't Pay Dues...

The word 'VaEtchanan' comes from Chanun. Compassion. When Moshe prays to God, he is asking for His compassion. The same way I ask for compassion from my congregants to not bother me... who can't figure out what a Shoresh is... It's the root word, Bernie. Chanun is the Shoresh of VaEtchanan... Every sermon, I have to give a five minute course on what the Parsha is... Go over the Parsha. If you listened at Hebrew school...
Pray for the single people. They need your help. Single people need your compassion. Look at them. They're pathetic... 

Moshe wants to go to Israel and H' tells him no... Moshe listens, unlike the board, who feels that baseball games is what the community needs... We need a Minyin. We need people who donate money when there's a Yahrzeit... Bills! Bills, Bernie.
(Devarim 3:26) Moshe tells the people that H' told him, 'It is enough for you. Speak to Me no more regarding this matter.' I tried telling this to the board, but they're not religious. Why can't I get the congregants to stop asking me questions... If you listened, we would've had a normal singles event... I know they can't commit. That's why they're single. Your questions regarding fundraising. It's too much. Somebody dies. You make money off it. They die and you ask the family for money. It's not hard. You don't complicate it with candle light vigils... I told you we need a cantor who will get through the davening. You bring a  guy to sing Carlebach songs. We can't even find him half the time. He's hopping all over. Speak to me no more regarding this matter.

Rashi quotes Sifrei who translates 'Rav Lecha' (too much for you) to mean that 'you have much.'
I know single people have nothing...
We have a lot. Those who aren't single have a lot. A great family... We have to understand that, and see the good we have. We can't go jumping away from the good, adding to stuff all the time. Be happy with what you have, unless if you're single. Single people have very little. If anything... Just stick to what you have... The Feldsteins have very little... Everybody talks about how pathetic your home is. Even the single people...
We have a beautiful Tefillah. The prayers are amazing. Accept what we have. We have beautiful prayers. The congregants have no idea what they mean, but they're beautiful. We can't have a Chazin jumping away from it.
We lost the Chazin. He was a jumper… Middle of Lecha Dodi, where did he go?! That’s what we were trying to figure out all last night... We were happy to see you this morning. We thought you got lost in your jumping…
The Carlbeach Chazin is too much… He jumped off the Bima and ended up somewhere in the corridor… You stay on your stage. We had no idea where you were. We thought we lost you... You have a spot. You have much. It's a beautiful spot with a podium. Stay there...
We have people who love baseball. A great shul fantasy league. We have much. The congregants have no idea who Pinchas was. They know who Vladimir Guerroro Jr. is. We have much talking in the middle of Davening...

H' tells Moshe to go up to the top of the Mountain and see it. Sometimes you have to notice that there's a future. You accept your spot in this world and you give to the future... Bernie. You've done enough. Sometimes it's time to move on... 
(Devarim 3:28) He tells Moshe, 'Tell Yehoshua to be strong and courageous.' He tells Mosh to pass the leadership on... 'Strong and courageous.' The only advice I got from the board was 'watch out for Bernie'... You support me. You don't tell me to watch out for the membership. You don't tell me that you'll be a thorn in my side...
Like Moshe gave Yehoshua the correct advice, give the single people decent advice. Not hand-me-downs. Help them get married... I know Tu BAv was yesterday. Give them hope... Even if it's a lie. Tell them they have to be strong. Go to the gym and work out to meet somebody. These people are so out of shape in our shul. You can't meet anybody if you're weak... To our single people. Be strong. Start working out. And you might have some courage... They have very little to offer.

Why is everybody wearing white?… It's the Tu BAv tradition to run to the fields too. You're not running. You're too out of shape. Very not strong... You’re married. It's not showing solidarity with the single people to wear white. You're stealing their dates. Single people are supposed to wear the white stuff. The women wear it and the guys know they're single. And you don't even cover your hair. How are the single guys supposed to know to not hit on you... The ring is tiny... We know the Feldsteins are poor...
It's all too much. This whole shul is too much. Be happy with what you have. Don't make it too much.

Even at the baseball game, you all ate so much... We have so much in this shul. Stop sharing ideas with me. It's annoying already. See all the stuff we have. Maybe open the Chumash and go over the Parsha... So, I don't have to explain everything, Bernie... Have compassion on your rabbi and stop asking so many questions.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Second week in a row where the rabbi's message was that the shul is too much. He's correct. The congregants are painful.

The shul doesn’t pay the bills. That's why we still have a building fund. Forty years running. A building fund. They built the building and didn't have the funds. We've had a thermometer outside the shul for the past forty years.
 
I think the rabbi was too honest with the single people. They did mess up. They know it. They spent their post Tu BAv crying about how they have nothing.
It's hard to know who's single in shul. When you're in the middle of the Amidah (Silent prayer) you don't know who to hit on.
We need married codes. The problem is the members aren't religious enough. If they were, we would see Sheytels. Those wigs are clear. A real Sheytel lets you know that's a married woman. When you see twice the amount of normal hair on somebody, you know they're married. I think we need tags. Modern people will wear tags. They won't cover their hair. We don't have to worry about the men. Nobody hits on them. The men in our congregation look awful.

I think the rabbi told Bernie it's time for him to die. Between us, his kids won't give anything to the shul. They probably won't even buy a plaque.

The Chazin was jumper. Very good height on his bounces. The rabbi truly was worried we lost him. He even sent a search party out before reading the Torah.
 
They did eat a lot at the baseball game. And they begged for more. They wanted more. They were praying for more, and the rabbi had to tell them ‘it’s too much for you. You’ve had a lot.’ This is part of the reason they're out of shape.

The fantasy league is a bit much. They have a chart in the back of the shul showing where the congregants are placing in the fantasy league. They took down one of the memorial plaque boards for the chart. They said their ancestors were baseball fans. It's an embarrassment.
The men can't figure out how to call up anybody for an Aliyah, but they have the order of the fantasy standings down. They have no idea what their parents' Hebrew names are, but they can name every rookie in the National League.

How do you determine who's good for who?
Similarities. If they're similar, that's a good Shidduch.

What are similarities?
Jewish. If they're Jewish. That's a similarity. 

And that's it?
Yes. You tell them they're a Jew. They go on the date and they're married. 

That's it? Just Jewish?
Yes. 
Jews are very similar.

In what way?
They're Jewish.

Do you do research?
I study. I’m a history buff.

Do you ever see anything unique in the Shidduch resumes?
Jewish. I see if they're Jewish. If I see 'Jewish' on their Shidduch resume, I know I can set them up. They're a good potential Shidduch for a Jew.

But you work in Israel too. So many different kinds of Jews in Israel.
That's what makes it hard. I don't consider Olim that live in Ramat Beit Shemesh to be Jewish.

What are they?
Frum.

So, how do you set them up?
I don't. I set up their parents.
If their parents say yes, they get married.

How do the parents know what the kid wants?
The parents tell me their kid wants a Jewish boy. 

What do the kids want?
I talk to the parents.

How would you figure out if they're good in Israel, with so many Jews?
Sometimes, I have to concentrate the people. Though I am not a racist, I have to divide them.

How do you do that?
If they both speak English​. English.

But so many people speak English in Israel. That doesn't seem to bring down the numbers very much. It must be hard.
Exactly.

Then how do you limit the options?
I go by the first names I get. First names sent to me, if they speak English and they're Jewish, they're getting married.

How do you know it's right?
God. God creates Shidduchim.

Then what are you doing?
Figuring out who's Jewish.

Doesn't God know who's Jewish?
It's a complicated matter.

Do you feel reward when you set up a couple and they get married?
Yes. When I get the money.
I expect at least a thousand dollars from each side.

How do you charge?
Customer satisfaction is key. If they get married, they pay. Usually with credit card. I prefer cash. When they pay with credit cards I add on a 5% service charge.

Not all marriages are good.
That's why they pay before the wedding. After the wedding customer satisfaction goes down. I'm selling weddings.
100% customer satisfaction till the wedding. After that, there are no returns. No money back after the Chupah. That's why I get a copy of all marriage documents.

The documents?
When they come back telling me how painful it is, and how much Jewish day school costs, I have proof.

Do you work with the Shidduch resume?
I’ve found many single people good jobs. 

Isn't the resume for finding people a match?
If I was a boss, I would like to know who the person is attracted to. Hobbies and if they want kids is also important.

Do you use it for anything else?
Bone marrow transplant donor match opportunities.
​
What do you think about Pinchas and Reuven?
Those guys live in Topeka. No chance.

Then how will they meet somebody?
I'll set them up. 

They've dated every Jewish girl in Topeka.
That was when they thought they had a chance. Do they speak English?
​
Yes.
If Pinchas and Reuven are Jewish and they speak English, I'll make it happen.

Conclusion
Rachel Shifra, the matchmaker, works off Jewish. That’s her one requirement. She interviews the singles and finds out if they’re Jewish. If they're Jewish that's how you know it's a good Shidduch. If she finds out they’re Bahai, she knows it won’t be a good Shidduch. Just Jewish. Her job is to set up Jews with Jews. If she finds out you’re Christian, she sends you to Mariah, her Christian matchmaker friend. I met up with Mariah. Her method of fitting people together is if they’re Christian. If they’re Christian, she sets them up.

I found out Rachel Shifra set up Pinchas with a girl from Sydney. I asked how it will work. She told me, 'They both speak English. And they're Jewish.'
The Jewish and English-speaking method breaks down Shidduchim to a basic level of success. That's how she figures out who's good for each other. Then, she brings them down and they get married.
 
In the following interview, she explained the importance of ensuring that the single people are down on themselves. She discussed at length how you have to let the people know they have no chance.
The no chance of meeting somebody technique works. I started using it with some of the local singles and they are happy to meet anybody now. I tell them that they're pathetic and they have nothing positive to show for, and then they listen to me. I’ve got four people married in two months, letting them know how pathetic they are. But first, I checked to make sure they spoke a decent English.
I have never seen people so grateful to have a spouse. I think I can be very good at setting people up. I just have to get better at letting the single people know how unimportant they are. I feel that after they meet with me they still have too high of levels of self-esteem.

Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues.
 
You Need a Reason for a Minivan
To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries.

You Save Money On Dues
Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin.
There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids.

You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech
You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl.  The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not.
I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them.

You Can Enjoy the Holidays
You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop.
You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. 

Reason for A Freezer
The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. 
Real Frum families have a walk in.

It's a Mitzvah
Nobody thought about that.
Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do.
Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary.

So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. ​Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner.

​Announcements
The Tisha BAv food drive is going to take place on the fast day itself. We know that you give food you don't like. Disgusting food, like peas and carrots. So, the Chesed people aren't worried that it'll make you hungry.
We’re also looking to encourage poor people to mourn with us, and we believe that your food donations of canned vegetables, and bad purchase like almond butter, will help.
 
The break-fast will take place at the Schwartz's home. Hopefully they'll cook something decent this year.
We did tell them that nobody likes ground chicken schnitzel. They apologize for last year’s chicken schnitzel fopaux. They said they’ll be sure to not grind up decent food this year.
 
We are going to have Effie do Anim Zmirot from now on. He’s the best kid and he has proven to be the most violent. The Gabai doesn't want to get between the fourth-grade boys fighting over who is going to lead services. He has a family and needs to stay healthy for them.
 
The cause of baseless hatred is taking too long with Mishebeyrachs. We understand you want to bless your family, the shul, your neighborhood, all of Klal Yisrael, the Olam, and all of your cousins by name, but people want to eat Shabbat lunch. From now on, you can’t steal more than twelve minutes of davening with one Aliyah.
The board has decided that if you're wealthy enough, we can wait.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People…
 
I was late. I was stuck behind Herman. He’s a very slow walker. Then, I made the mistake of holding the door for him…
Herman. You caused Davening to take another forty minutes this week, when you went up for your Aliyah… We had to wait for you to get up. Walk faster… Then get a better walker… You made us wait in shul too. You should’ve skipped the Mishebeyrachs. Those blessings for your family were way too long… There’s a certain point where you don’t bless everybody by name… Like your friends in the office…
You just make us wait, Herman… And Bernie is worse…
 
(Devarim 1:6) H’ tells the Jews, ‘You’ve been at this mountain long enough.’ ‘Rav Lachem’ are the words used. ‘It’s too much for you.’ ‘It’s too much for you to be here.’ Couldn’t dwell at Har Chorev. We were in shul way too long today, thanks to Herman... It felt like we were dwelling here. THat's the length. Too much.
They were at Sinai long enough. At some point, it’s too much. God wants you out. Move on. Get out… Yes. Reuven. You’re now twenty-eight years old. Get out of the house… It’s your parent’s house. 'It's too much for you.' The proper way of telling people you want them out.
Being at this shul is too much for me. Twelve years with you. Pain… I understand H’ may have not been talking about pain. I’m talking about how painful it is… There’s a certain amount of time where it turns into pain. The third month in this shul…
Topeka is too much for you… 'It's too much for you.' That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past twelve years... It's a proper way of trying to get people to leave, Bernie...
 
The Mishebeyrachs are too much. Too much for this congregation. 
Not all of your kids can lead davening. Just Effie…. It’s too much. Too much fighting. Too many messed up Aliyahs by the Gabai... It's too much for you. I've told the Gabai this for years. Can't get rid of him...
 
This all causes hatred. We have Tisha BAv tonight. And there is hatred because of how you act at shul. The Mikdash Miat. The Small Temple, and there is so much hatred. It’s all too much. Can you imagine what happened when the Gabai called up the wrong lamb for the sacrifice?...
It’s too much for all of us.
It’s too much for the Schwartzs to host. They can’t cook…. As long as there's split pea soup and croutons, that's all you need... Need the soup nuts and split pea soup to break the fast... Tradition.
 
What does 'too much for you' mean? In this congregation, it means 'I can't help out.' If cleaning is needed after Kiddish, 'I can't help out... I've got to leave my paper plate on the table.' If Herman needs help moving, 'I can't help out. I'm sitting.' If Tzedakah is needed, 'I can't help out. I worked overtime last week. That's my money. I can't pay dues either...'

Rashi quotes Sifrei and explains ‘Rav Lachem’ to mean that God has given the Jewish people ‘much greatness’ at the mountain ‘as a reward for having lived there.’
H’ gave us ‘the Mishkan , the menorah… the Torah… Sandhedrin, and leaders.’ At some point, you have to move on. It's too much to baby you. H' has already given you enough here... I have given so much to you. Please leave. Sorry. I mean to say, 'It's too much for you'...
When you become passive, it’s over. You can't depend on me for every little thing. Move on. Stop bothering me with your questions. It's too much…
 
You need to learn something to move on… You don’t have a Mishkan… Is this a Tabernacle, Bernie?... You don’t show up to shul…
Your parents should’ve taught you to cook. You can move out now, Reuven.
You should’ve learned how to daven… Getting rid of some of the membership wouldn’t be bad...
 
Chorev is Sinai. Learn something… It’s painful dealing with you. It’s too much to explain everything to you…
(Devarim 1:12) Moshe goes on, ‘How can I bear your trouble, your burden, and your strife all by myself?’ That's how I feel. You're a burden... No strife? Have you heard Harriet at Kiddish? And then the Sheytel committee???!!! Strife.
Rashi translates ‘trouble’ to show that the Israelites were troublesome… You do follow tradition. And that is beautiful. Yes. It’s troublesome. You're troublesome.
 
You don't care about your leader. That's why its too much for me too. When Moshe brings up the idea of having other leaders, (Devarim 1:14) the people responded to Moshe, ‘What you say is good.’ Like they wanted him out. I get the feeling you’re ungrateful… Did you ever say, 'Rabbi. You know. Maybe you should have the honor of opening the ark for Anim Zmirot.' Ungrateful... I can take Effie...
 
It's all too much, because you mess things up. H' realized that it was enough at Har Sinai. The people took what they could... You become complacent. Do messed up stuff.
A Tisha BAv food drive. Why is everything a food drive?... I understand that Chesed is the big thing now... I think that mourning the loss of the Temple is much kinder than giving a poor person food on a fast day… It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You're a burden. You even cause strife with poor people... They're taking this messed up food you give them and now they're mad at this congregation... Yes. They're saying it's not enough.
 
Tu BAv, the holiday of love is coming up. I hope you are less trouble... You're Shidduch for Shaindy last year was messed up. Too much... Take it easy on the singles. Your messed up Shidduch ideas are too much... Forget about the fact that they live 3,000 miles away and don't speak English. You suggested a bouncy house. A bouncy house?... I understand that Campy Castle is fun. They're thirty-five... When something is for two and up, you look off going at thirty-five. Especially when you're single. It's wrong...
Put the singles in your Mishebeyrachs. You can help the single people...

Oy. It's too much.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi just gave up at the end of his sermon. He even threw up his arms as he left the podium.

​It seems like a large part of the sermon was the rabbi trying to get the members to leave the shul. He wanted them to leave Topeka. To never come back to our city again. I think he feels that our congregants are too much for the county.
The rabbi ended up composing a new Piyut, hymn, called 'It's too much for you.' In the Piyut for Tisha BAv, he has an acrostic that says 'The members of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah are very annoying.' 
 
It’s hard hearing it from your parents. Can you imagine hearing God tell you it’s time to move out? I don't know how Reuven would take it. I do think he would still stay. He hasn't left his parents house. He's still there.
Reuven has to get out of his parent’s house.
 
Nobody showed up for shul on Tisha BAv. They showed up for the break-fast. The fasting is too much.
And nobody helped the Schwartz family set it up. It was too much for them. People really don't help with anything in the shul. One of the kids didn't even do Barchu at his Bar Mitzvah. The Gabai called him up. The Bar Mitzvah boy went up to the Torah and said, 'It's too much.'
I think they've missed the message of too much. As the rabbi said, it was about moving on, they've accomplished what they could. The rabbi did say that our membership has accomplished nothing. It might be the other lesson of giving to other people that the rabbi feels our congregation can connect with. 'Give to the community by leaving us... It's too much for you. Give to others.'

The Schwartzs had no idea people were coming for the break-fast. They thought that since they didn't come on Tisha BAv, they wouldn't come for the break-fast. To note, the reason people didn't come on Tisha BAv is that there was no food at shul.
The break-fast had split pea soup. You need split pea soup with croutons to break a fast. They scored big with that split pea. It saved the break-fast.
I was thinking about the break-fast the whole sermon. I was worried about fasting. Once the rabbi mentioned Tisha BAv, I had a nervous breakdown. I ran home and ate the rest of the day.
 
Everybody started saying 'It's too much for you.' It was the new code for 'I don't want to speak to you.' The congregation became very passive aggressive.

Herman walks very slow. That's not a question. Calling him up to the Torah for an Aliyah is too much for everybody.
Herman had the rabbi find his Mishebeyrach list. That took five minutes; which was less time than it would've taken for Herman to get back to his seat. And then he did a twenty minute Mishebeyrach or so.
The new Mishebeyrach rules have been charted. The first rule is 'get the blessings over with, quick.' The bylaw reads, 'Nobody cares about your family and your friends. Don't say all their names.'
 
Effie is a bit of davening bully. He tells all the other kids he’s better than them.
The parents were mad, hearing their kids aren’t good. They already know their kids aren’t good at sports. Now they’re hearing they’re not good Jewish leaders.
 
Shul troubles. There are many. And it is all because the congregants do stuff. I believe that anything they do is too much.
People should never set people up. I believe there wouldn't be so many single Jews right now, if people wouldn't try to help. If people didn't help, people would get married. They would probably date people they're attracted to.
 
We thought the rabbi was saying he wanted to retire. He wanted a raise. If Moshe would’ve just said he wanted a raise to deal with the people, they would've foregone the other leaders idea that Moshe was bringing up. He should've just said he wanted a raise to deal with the issues.

Tisha BAv is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. Many tragedies took place on this day, including the destruction of the Temples, due to our sins. Hence, on this day, we are awakened to repent as a people. As such, I worry about fasting.
What truly bothers me during this time of mourning is the idea of not being able to eat cream cheese and lox. Not even a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. After five hours of fasting, I'm not worried about the destruction of the Temples. I'm worried about starving. and even worse, losing weight.
This Tisha BAv, I don’t want you to be worried about not eating. I want to give you the tools to be focused on the destruction and how we can work towards the rebuilding of the next Temple. 
Today, we shall focus on pregaming the fast, and what to do afterwards.
 
Gorge Before the Fast
Eat a lot. This is the way to make it through a fast.
The tradition before Tisha BAv is to sit on the floor and to eat an egg and bread with ashes, to commemorate the destruction. I have never filled up on eggs and ashes. Thus, I have another meal before that, to commemorate the fear of eating an egg and bread, and the greater fear of not eating for a day. I also commomate chairs during that meal, by sitting on one.
You're not going to be eating for around twenty-five hours. I don’t know when starvation begins. I don’t know how much the body needs to survive. I do know that I love breakfast. You're going to be missing out on breakfast and lunch. There are snacks, such as Snickers and Chex party mix, and fruit pies. You'll be missing those. I love that Chex party mix with the pretzels. It’s like a salty non-cereal cereal. Amazing. I might even be missing out on a nice peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Thinking about not eating, that all seems so much tastier.
Eat it all before the fast. You don’t want to miss out on any meal because the Temple was destroyed. The pre-fast meal should be a full day’s worth of snack, pasta, cereal, pastry and whatever else causes a headache. That or sitting on the floor with an egg and ashes. I'm not going to judge. 
I am not knocking ashes. They just don’t fill me up. Ashes are not a staple in my diet. However, they are an excellent condiment.

Gorge After the Fast
The two pillars of the Jewish fast: gorging before and gorging after.
The goal of the fast is to put on weight. The gorging after technique allows you to catch up on any accidental loss of poundage. Allowing you to continue in your goal of being a good Jew. 
The post fast meal should consist of eggs, cream cheese and bagels. You should also fill up on all dairy products you missed when gorging before the fast. Eat quiches, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, blintzes and anything else you ate on Shavuot. Be sure to also have cheesecake. Remember, you're making up for all the food you did not eat that day. And that includes everything. 
The Temples were destroyed. We want to bookend that with food. Otherwise, there's no way you'll enjoy the commemorating the destruction.
Don’t let the fast day be the reason you don’t repent and become thin. I don’t know if kids are still starving in Japan, but we should think about them and eat. That is what my mother and Weird Al taught me.

It's about being a good Jew. Being heavy shows that you ate when your parents told you to, and that you have kept the mitzvah of delighting in the holidays and Shabbat. Everything else is commentary. That is what I say when people ask me to give over the whole Torah to them, on one leg.
The main idea is to not lose weight when you fast. Don't worry about the Temple. Just make sure you eat enough before and after the fast. ​It's that feeling of full that will initiate the building of the Third Temple.

Next time, we'll talk about different methods of not going hungry during the fast, and how to plan being sick, or your pregnancy, so you can eat. There is a lot more to learn. This Tisha BAv, focus on the Before and After Method.

​Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to expensive Shabbat food during the week, another great Jewish board game, and some of Jerusalem in commemoration of the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he writes notes at the Kotel, and then crumples them up.