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Simcha candy fighting violence must stop. We are asking parents to stop their children from tackling younger kids. We ask that children be educated with the lesson that violence for a Sunkist fruit jelly is not what H’ wants. We also ask parents to not encourage their children to body slam other children who also like sweets. MMA education should not be brought to the Bima during Bar Mitzvah candy throwing. Felsenblum is looking for a car. Please sell him one. We’re all sick of hearing him talk about needing a car. We are going to start a weekly communal sway on Friday nights. We will sing Shalom Aleichem to arms on shoulders. We believe it will help with more crying during Davening. Upcoming Classes: How to Open an Aron and Cover a Torah Not Like A Yutz So That People Don’t Have to Wait Five Minutes. How to Not Get Violent When There is a Simcha Even if There is Food. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:21) ‘Every man whose heart inspire him came, and all whose spirit motivated him brought a portion to H’ for the work of the Tent of Meeting, and for all it’s labor and for the sacred garments.’ Inspired to give. To volunteer. Not our congregation. Our congregants don't help. They're inspired to do anything they can to not be useful... You've never helped anybody open a prefab table, Bernie... The first part of the Pasuk, VaYavohu ‘And they came,’ 'Every man whose heart inspired him came,' speaks of those who came to do the work of sewing and building, etc... Accountants were not useful Brian. Ramban teaches that they were ‘inspired’ as they did not learn craftsmanship in Egypt. This is not an excuse for the lack of talent and expertise in our congregation... You were not slaves in Topeka. There were the ones who spirit motivated them. According to Or HaChaim, they were not on the same level as those whose heart inspired them, as the heart inspired came from such a great desire. Kind of like the way the community quilt was put together by very untalented people of our membership. It’s just that H’ did not inspire them. It just goes to show how bad art can be when H' doesn't inspire you... You were inspired to mess it up. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah were people who did not have any decent craftsmanship or taste. No artistic abilities.... Betzalel was inspired by H'. The spirit of putting together a decent quilt was in him. What motivates you? What inspires you?... People ran from shul so they wouldn’t have to fast because of a guy who can’t carry a Torah. Not fasting inspires you... My desire is to not have to see congregants. Last week, people had to wait for the guy to figure out how to open the Aron... The guy couldn't figure out where the ark's string was... And now you get the Parochet cover stuck on the thing... 5 people are helping him figure out how to pull a cloth over a handle. This is why everybody ran from shul. The patheticness... What inspired them was not having to fast. We're inspired for different reasons, but we are inspired as a community. The swaying arm around the shoulders with Etz Chaim Hee had us all praying for a better day. A day in which some of our congregants would know how to treat a Torah... Inspire yourself to learn a little... I was part of the circle of love. I needed it. I'll admit it. I've been working with this very untalanted congregation for a very long time. A little swaying can touch the heart. Bring a little inspiration... Sometimes you need another man to touch your shoulders. To put your arms around his shoulders and sway... You were weeping. He touched your shoulder and you said, 'I haven't been touched in...' Moishie. Your desire is for candy... Your child tackled the other kids... Stop. You were involved. You put it in your Tallis bag... You had him load up your Tallis bag.... Other kids were crying. You yelled, ‘He has more candy. Take it’... Your kids are you hit men. Little uninspired Sunkist fruit gem mafia... You get violent at Kiddish too. The violence in our congregation has to stop... You taught your child MMA so he can get more fruit gems... I'm inspired to get Felsenblum a car... If anybody has a car, just give it to the guy. Nobody wants to hear about this car thing anymore. We understand buying a car is hassle. We've all got ripped off... Ever went for an oil change? They take your money... No. Mechanics are Rashas. All mechanics are Rashas. They're evil sinners. I never went to one and didn’t want to shoot somebody... Seeing the community quilt, I'm inspired. It helps me connect with our history. I see the quilt and I feel like a slave. A slave to bad art... Maybe we are still slaves just trying to get out of Egypt. As we learn on Pesach, 'Every generation we are obligated to see ourselves as if we left Egypt.' If I ever get a better job. If I ever get out of this shul... Rivka's Rundown Nobody helps with prefab tables. Our membership thinks they open themselves. Ever tried flipping one over by itself? You can kill your hands on the metal. I'm just happy we've got some of the new plastic prefabs. There has been less shul injury since. I think the rabbi said it when he said, ‘Inspired to give. To volunteer. not our congregation.’ That was the message. Nobody helps. The community quilt is quite ugly. It truly represents our community and lack of care for people with illness. I wouldn't say they were helping anybdy when they made it. It was a general illness quilt. Nobody could think about any individual they cared about, so they made a quilt and left it in the shul, for illness. Like a Mishebeyrach prayer that people should be sick It’s pathetic watching them work on the Torah. It's so not smooth. The men in our shul carrying the Torah is a nightmare. The guy couldn’t find the string to open the ark again. And then they ask him to hold the Torah. I run out now every week. I don't trust these people can hold the Torah right. The rabbi was truly touched by the Etz Chaim Hee swaying the other day. After the guy figured out how to open the ark, a sway of brotherly love began in the men's section. There is something about standing next to somebody and putting your arms on their shoulders or waist and swaying back and forth. It brings you together. It even melted the heart of our rabbi. People have been showing up for the swaying. People need the touch. They come in for Etz Chaim Hee and leave. I think the shul might be able to pick up membership if we focus on swaying more. Then we were swaying on the women’s side. There is something about the arm over shoulder connection. I think we all needed the Jewish love. I wanted to do Havdalah all week, just for the sway. People at work aren't open to swaying. I think if they sung Havdalah, they would be into it. The dad literally opened his Tallis bag, told his kids to put in the fruit jellies, and sent them back out, pointing at a tiny preschooler. He said, ‘Grab the candies from that one, and smack him. He's small.’ There is a lot of violence when it comes to Simchas. I think it’s built-up frustration amongst our day-schoolers. Even the way they whip the candy bags at the Chatan or Bar Mitzvah. With that much anger, even fruit gems can hurt. The rabbi gave a Psak this week that it's Asur (forbidden) to be a mechanic, because they steal from people. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud. Slow and Soft Thought Method Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything. Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it. Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all. Make Them Wait The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you. Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps. Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. Silent Method of Holiness It's very holy to not talk. Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do. If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers. The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness. Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability. Squint Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light. This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner. Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema. Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy. I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's. If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier. A Long Amidah After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah. Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy. To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out. Dress Holy This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits. As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method. Have a Safer Open at All Times It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy. It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book. Keep Your Head Down Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun. You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss. In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.) You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn. And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness. I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tisa3/3/2024
Announcements
The new whiskey at Kiddish doesn't taste disgusting. We want to thank the Berkman family for bringing a whiskey that doesn’t make you want to puke. It’s a pleasure to drink alcohol that doesn't taste extremely bad. Rule: The rabbi has decided that only people strong enough to hold a Torah can hold a Torah. In addition, somebody who has no idea what to do with a Torah is not allowed to hold it. People are having heart attacks, thinking these people will drop the Torah and they’ll have to fast. No more Torah honors for people who come to shul once a year. It turns out they can't figure out how to open a curtain. No being louder than the Chazin. The congregation needs to know who to follow during Davening. We understand many people like to show off when they’re finishing the Shema. It’s just confusing. Classes This Week: How to Hold a Torah so People Don’t Have Heart Attacks. How to Drink Whiskey without Sounding Like an Idiot. How to Allow the Leader to Lead by Not Being Louder Than Him. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Chazin thought it was Revi’i... There are a lot of Psukim in the beginning of the Parsha there. I thought he was reading the Haftorah already. It was only Sheini... Two hundred Psukim... Then read faster. I’m falling asleep. Thought it was VaYakhel already... They stuffed two hundred Psukim in the beginning there because they don’t want the Yisraelim to feel bad about being involved in the golden calf. I felt bad having to hear the Ba'al Koreh reading the Torah for thirty minutes. And that was before Sheini. Almost as bad as the new bourbon they brought last week. You guys feel bad about nothing... You should feel bad about how annoying you are as congregants... Betzalel and Ahaliav didn’t build the golden calf. They were better builders than that... The Yisraelim get the third Aliyahs and on. Pay attention. You've been coming to shul since you were... Don’t ask me why Aharon made the calf... He didn't build it. But he did. But he didn't. He really didn't... But he did. (Shemot 32:4) The calf is fashioned and Aharon tells the nation ‘These are your gods...’ But he didn't tell them this is their lord. But he did... Rashi teaches that it does not say ‘our Gd.’ It’s yours. 'Your gods.' The Eruv Rav, mixed multitudes, got them to believe in this kind of god. Kind of like the board got you to think that honoring everybody with Hagbah is a good idea.... The guy almost dropped the Torah. And then redoing the sanctuary... Redoing the sanctuary is not a good idea. Rebecca is going to be doing it... Exactly. Bad idea. When she gets involved... I have no idea what 'mixed multitudes' means. It's the English translation. That's why we use it. I can tell you who the Eruv Rav is. But that's not English... It’s the gods that you make. And in our shul, it seems to be really ugly ones that are worshiped with bad alcohol. (32:22-24) Aharon justified it for the nation. You have no justification for the poor craftsmanship on the art in your kitchen. The back backsplash is pathetic. It's bathroom tile... I don’t know how Aharon justifies ‘I threw it in to the fire and this calf came out’... I think Moshe bought it. You should throw the backsplash in a fire. He blames it on the Eriv Rav (Rashi). He was hoping it would come out of the fire shapeless, and the sorcerers made a calf. A bunch of artists. Post-modern style. If he wanted shapeless art, he would've asked the youth of our congregation. The day school art fair is horrendous. Shapeless stuff. Ever seen the papier-mache? A bunch of shapeless idol worshipers... Your idols are what you focus on, and you focus on bad whiskey. You don’t even like the whiskey. It’s a Walkman... Walkmans are things people used to listen to music on. This is a Johnnie Walker takeoff... It’s a mutt and they didn’t even try to make it sound Irish... You like it because it didn’t make you puke. That’s it. It didn’t taste good... The Torah must be taken seriously. The Jews forgot how easily H' and the Torah can be taken for granted... The guy almost dropped the Torah... He's not Moshe. He doesn't pay dues. He wasn't mad the Jews were worshiping a Golden Calf. Holding a Torah is an honor?! The guy never shows up to shul. He has no idea how to hold the thing. Took it from the Parochet. He took it by the cloth... You can't hold anything like that. But he still took it like that. Like the Torah floats in a cloth... It's not a ghost. This isn't the Aron. Did he ever have a kid... Must’ve dropped her a lot.... I almost had a heart attack watching him. That’s why I wasn’t around when they returned it. I didn’t want to fast... The greatest worry in my life is having to diet. Pikuach Nefesh. I had to save my life. The Eruv Rav of Torah honors... You should've known. Last week, he couldn't even figure out how to get the Torah cover back on the thing. He was the worst Galilah. The bottom was caught on the top part of the wood for five minutes. Three people came to his aid... All they did was move the cloth over the wood plates. That's all it took... Nobody looks up to your Davening Shlomo. You took over the Davening. Nobody even knows you... You came to our shul and just took over... You were louder than the Chazin. It made no sense. Nobody knew who was leading. They even waited for you to finish the Shema... I’m the rabbi. That’s my one Kavod... I think you were drunk. I truly want to smack you when you’re drinking. The way you talk like you know what’s going on. Very annoying. 'The Walkmans whiskey has a very fine metal taste...' Metal barrels... The Eruv Rav drinks Evan Williams. (Shemot 32:11-13) Moshe has to pray on our behalf. He has to bring in Egypt and our forefathers. He has to bring up H' looking like he took us out of Egypt to punish the Jewish people and that looking bad to the non-Jewish nations. For this congregation, I would let it be. H' wants to destroy it. It's fine. I think the other people in Topeka would understand why H' destroyed our congregation... Who is the Eruv Rav?I It's not the rabbi who checks the Eruv before Shabbis. It's the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi actually said, 'Damn this Parsha is long.' Most of the congregants are still trying to figure out what the mixed multitudes are. We do have a very diverse congregation. The Torah reader, Baal Koreh, does read slow. We need a speed guy for these long Parshas. A guy that skips Psukim would be perfect. And then to have a Bar Mitzvah boy. This is pain. The rabbi was so mad, he skipped mentioning the Bar Mitzvah boy in his sermon. They didn't even mention the kid in the announcements. Why they let the Bar Mitzvah boy do an Aliyah, I think the Gabai is trying to start fights. He even asked one of the congregants that thinks he's a Chazin to lead the Musaf service. That was an extra twenty minutes right there. Any time a whiskey doesn’t taste disgusting, people are saying ‘Pshhh. That’s good.’ And then they get involved in discussions about how smokey the thing is. A bunch of pretentious fools, they think whiskey is made in fire. The Torah carrying was messed up. Get people who know how to carry it. It shouldn't be hard. It has handles. And yet, this guy still takes it by the cloth. Then to see the 4'3" Bar Mitzvah boy. The Torah is bigger than the kid. I think I suffered 12 heart attacks. Each step the boy took to the Bima, I had another heart attack. It's the thought of having to fast. That kills me. I believe this was the first time the whole congregation identified with the rabbi. The greatest worry in a Jew's life is not being able to eat. Dropping the Torah is another issue, not as bothersome to our membership as fasting. Our Gabai is truly picking the wrong people. Even the guy opening the ark can't figure out what's going on. He couldn't find the string to pull. He was trying to move the curtain from the top of it. The guy was jumping up to move it. I have no idea how these people get into a shower. I think the Gabai just likes seeing inept people work. That's why he joined the board last year. The Gabai should've know the guy would have no idea how to open the curtain, he had on the Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke. Anytime somebody is wearing the Kippah they give out at the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you know they have no idea what's going on in shul. He even had the Tallis thrown over his shoulders like a shawl. The art done by the kids in our shul is horrendous. And they still hang it in the shul. There should be a sign 'this is how art looks when you don't practice.' At least make a lesson out of it. And then Rebecca, she is so bad. She still thinks papier-mache looks good. Sixty years old and she thinks papier-mache looks decent. We have a papier-mache lion to the left of the ark. It looks like a pathetic Mardi Gras float that got stuck in front of the shul. And that is why idol worship is forbidden. This new Shlomo loud guy is running the shul now. If you're loud you run things. The Chazin is second fiddle to this guy. He's singing songs and the congregation is with him. The Chazin tried going on, and he looked pathetic. Almost as bad as the art at our shul. The Chazin just stopped. He gave up. He even walked over and gave Shlomo the Chazin Siddur. The big Siddur was in loud guy’s hands. He wasn’t even Ashkenazi. He was leading our Ashkenz shul from his seat in the fourth row, with a different Nusach. And everybody followed. The Chazin couldn’t compete. I think one guy screamed at the Chazin, ‘Get out of there. This guy is our leader.’ I’m happy the rabbi went off on Shlomo. He truly hijacked our shul. We would've been a Sefardic synagogue by Mincha if it wasn't for our rabbi. I'm not going to lie, I can't stand people who come to a shul and run stuff without knowing anything. Even the Kaddish guys that show up for the first time without knowing the shul's pace, and then they run it. Very bothersome. The rabbi should go off on mourners for being disgusting people more. I think the rabbi’s classes are truly there to just tell the community how annoying they are. The classes were perfect this week. The whiskey drinkers truly are annoying. ‘This is good. It doesn’t taste like ----.’ The class had a sequel ‘How to Not Sound Like a Pretentious ---- When Drinking a Cup of Wine.’ The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The only way to look good in shul is to be noticed. And the only way to do that is to be very loud. Make noise and you will look good. You will at least look like you know what's going on.
You want to make noise while other people are trying to pray with Kavanah. We've dealt with this in the past. Yet, I still have much to help with regarding getting oneself noticed in shul. I have learned much from my years in around the Kehilah. I am a wealth of Frum knowledge, and I shall share a Bissel more with you. Chuch a lot Clear your throat as much as possible. When starting a Tefillah, when turning a page, when greeting people in the middle of the silent Amidah prayer; these are all opportunities to Chuch. This tradition began in the early 1900s. It must’ve. Every older guy in my shul does this. I am guessing it dates back to Eastern Europe. A lot of Chuching in Lithuania. Coughing and sneezing is also a tradition from the old country. I don't know how they are able to cough that loud, but the sound of mucus from Lithuania in there is very noticeable. Get Involved in Aliyahs to the Torah Nobody asks you. Chutzpah. You turned down the Gabai job. That doesn't mean you don't make the decisions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t complain to the Gabai. Anytime you have a chance to tell somebody how to do their job, you’re important. Hence, you should always be telling the Gabai and Chazin what to do. Tell the Gabai who to call up. If it's a Kohen in a Yisrael spot, you still look good getting involved, telling the people what to do. Better yet, just say 'you're doing it wrong.' Tell the Baal Tefillah to Go Faster You don't have to be a Gabai for this either. You just have to be loud. Chazin is going at the right speed for the prayers, who cares. Tell him 'faster.' Then, tell him 'slower.' The goal is to let him know he is doing nothing right. Better yet, just say, 'You're doing it wrong.' Disapproval means importance. Again, telling people what to do fashions importance. Especially when you're telling them that they're doing it wrong. Pace This will get you noticed. Physical movement is key to being noticed. Sometimes, yelling at people and telling them they are wrong doesn't do the job. Walk around the shul. Go over to people. Add in a talk for extra importance affect. I suggest the waving the hands method. Waving of your arms is also a good way to ruin people's Kavanah. If you can breakdance, do it. The pilot will definitely draw attention. Do not bring a boombox. I have seen people get kicked out of shul for that. Your smartphone can do the job. The Movement Method of being noticed is why shuckling became very popular in the Yeshiva world in the early 1980s. Go Loud Every Once in a While Nobody would be loud if they didn't understand what was going on. A good loud Hebrew word gets you noticed. Time it at every two and a half minutes and it will sound good. 'Ya'aleh vYavo' is a good one to shout. Stick to that one and you'll be good. Forget about Rosh Chodesh. Mumbling loud works as well. It keeps the other congregants guessing, and it sounds like Hebrew spoken by an Ashkenazi. Move Stuff Organize the shul in the middle of Davening. Bring in a sofa. If that doesn't work. A freezer and a generator might help you get noticed. Looks of Disapproval Give a look of disapproval with an audible breath. A complaint, especially when loud, shows you're running things. Perfect way of showing complaint and importance. You can add in a headshake of disapproval for loud movement purposes. Best is when the Chazin is leading the Davening at the correct speed. At that point, express disapproval. Only a Chashiv person can pull that. And remember to tell them, 'You're doing it wrong.' Ask for Tzedaka That seems to be a religious thing to do. Ask for Tzedaka while people are trying to pray. And that was another anti-Semitic moment. Talk Talk to people. Middle of prayers, talk to people. Have full-on regular conversation. Only somebody who is important would have a full conversation at regular volume in shul. I hear somebody talking in the middle of Shacharit, I'm thinking, 'This is an important guy. He must have something to say about weeding a garden.' Kick Somebody Out of Your Seat If you really want to look good, kick somebody out of a seat. People will see that and they will respect you. It doesn't even have to be your seat. Just kick them out. If you can tell somebody they're sitting in your seat, you've made it. Especially if you haven't paid your dues yet. Just the ability to say 'that is my seat' when showing up an hour late to Davening, that looks good. That's a powerful man. One who garners respect. A Really Big Hat A huge hat will do the job. Just wear a big hat, huge brim, and you're good to go. That will disturb everybody's Kavana. These are just a few ways to be noticed in shul. If we learned nothing, being noticed looks good no matter what you do. I am sure, as a member of the congregation you'll find a way to be noticed. You're important if you tell people what to do. So, get better at that. Remember, as long as you think you look good, you look good. And looking good means being noticed. Bang a table. In addition to the methods we discussed, bang a table. Even if it's not Rosh Chodesh. Just bang a table real loud. That will get you noticed, and scare people. They notice your bang, they'll never take a chance sitting in a seat. And remember to always tell people they're doing it wrong. If nothing else works, join the Kiddish club. Those guys are loud. Next week we shall discuss the Holy Method of being noticed and outlouding your Hebrew in a holy way when outdoing the rabbi with your Shema and a loud Chuch. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Tetzaveh2/25/2024
Announcements
We know our congregants like to complain. We just ask that the complaints make sense and follow a logical flow. You can’t tell a Baal Tefillah that they’re leading too fast, and then to tell them they’re leading too slow. No more tie-dye. We want to commend Mark on his new suit. It’s an Angeleno. He has been showing it to everybody at Kiddish. We ask our congregants stop buying husky suits. They look portly. We have a very portly congregation. We believe that if people buy athletic suits, they’ll look more athletic. They'll still be portly, but athletic. Athletic portly is what we're looking for in our congregants. Upcoming Class: How Not to Look Like an Idiot in Shul. The Gabai of our shul is bad. We know it. We apologize. We have no idea of how to get rid of him. It seems to be shul tradition to have a really bad Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 28:12) The stones with the names of the tribes on them were to be put on the Efod. ‘Aharon shall carry their names before H’ on both his shoulders for a remembrance.’ He did not carry them in his hands. He didn't do a juggling act with the stones... Then how would he do the service? He needed his hands... You don’t need your hands, because you don’t help. You don’t remember to help. And you can’t even do farmers carries with eight pounds... To remember. Wherever Aharon went in the Temple, he reminded H’ of us... You can’t even remember when the time of Minyin is. Your wife should walk around with ‘go to shul’ on her shoulders... Then you might show on time, Walter... For Aharon to remember as well. Though he couldn't see it... We have to constantly be reminded. At least Fran. You have to constantly remind her to take the choolante out of the oven... You burn it every week Fran. (28:29) The Urim and Tumim went into the breastplate... ‘Aharon shall carry the judgment of Bnei Yisrael on his heart. before H’, always.’ It was there, where judgment was to be decided, where the names of the tribes were also present as a remembrance... Justice needs to be near the heart. Compassion. If it wasn’t for the judge remembering Shloimy from racquetball, he would've gotten the parking ticket... (Sforno) Having the names of the tribes on his heart inspired the Kohen Gadol to pray for the nation. I have never been inspired to pray for the congregants of this shul. And we have a list of all the members who haven't paid their dues... Our Chazin is a letdown... You wouldn’t even know who you’re praying for. You forget... You have to be reminded. Constantly... Then write the names on your heart... Our Gabai is a letdown. Our Kohanim don’t even remember how to Duchin... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... Got to remind these guys. They space out. If you all wrote stuff down... Rashi (28:12) ‘That H’ should see the tribes written before Him, and He should remember their righteousness.’ If it was our congregation, H’ would remember your annoyingness, and... You just want to complain... You told him he was Davening too fast. Then told him he is Davening too slow... What’s a Chazin supposed to do?! New rule. Nobody can share their opinions. Everybody has one, and it’s a complaint... I tell the Chazin he is bad. I tell the Baal Tefilah that he shouldn't be leading because he is messed up. That is OK... I am not complaining. I am making the shul a place that children will want to remember and visit when they're older... A shul without this Chazin, Gabai and board... Complaining is not a reminder. Constant reminders are important. Constant reminders how to dress is also important. You look like idiots. Tie-dye has to stop. Or I am out of here... I can’t have congregants who don't even wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis... Saying ‘It’s a’ does not make it a good suit... What’s an 'Angeleno'?! Angeleno is the name of the company. It's not classy just because you stressed the last name of the company... Shimon is not husky. It’s the suit. If he bought an athletic suit, he would look athletic. The guys in our shul will never be in shape. We accept that. We just ask that they try to keep their suits in shape... It just looks better... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... No. You really are a bad Gabai... The fights between Mariv in Shmuel are because you don’t know how to give Kibudim. Your honor giving ability is off... And you shouldn’t be calling yourself... It’s not a fair amount to ask Yochanan once a month and Felvel twice a day. And yourself before them... You don't even end up asking them... Because you say yes to yourself... You’re a bad Gabai. Almost as bad as the board. Maybe if you remembered their names... That's why the wrong person comes up... So. You call up yourself because you can't remember their names?! Write it down... We have to be reminded daily. Every second the Gabai has to be reminded to be a not annoying person. We have to be reminded to be good Jews constantly... You should wear Tzitzis. Heretics in this place... You even forgot to say Tehillim for Israel. Who forgets... Rivka's Rundown You have to remind everybody in this congregation about everything. They're oblivious to anything that is not them getting an Aliyah. Eighty percent of our congregants forgot there was a war in Israel. Some of the people aren't even posting on social media anymore. But they get up there and get an Aliyah, and it's a half hour of them rattling off every name of every cousin that didn't move to Israel, for the Mishebeyrach. I think their Aliyah to the Torah is holier than people who moved to Israel. It's a messed up understanding of Aliyah. Due to the rabbi's sermon, many congregants thought it was a good idea to get tattoos. Once the rabbi let them know that it's Asur to get tattoos and you can't see tattoos that are on your back, the Gabai decided it wasn't necessary to tattoo the list of potential Aliyahs. They told him his Davening was too quick. And they told him his Davening took too long. How do your respond to that?! I am still trying to figure out how to respond to Felvel. You can't. The congregation is weak, and they don't help. They don't remember to help. Truth be told, you wouldn't want them to help. Watching them carry stuff and grunting. They help in complaint form. They help with a complaint grunt. And they are weak. They can't even carry the weights to the rack to lift them. The rabbi started Chumash carries in the shul. Just so people would start helping. He called it exercise. It worked for a week. Then people forgot to exercise. Due to the rabbi's new program. People stopped using Chumashes too. They forget to learn Torah. People truly remember nothing in our shul. Choolante is always burned. The Gabai forgets names. You need a second Gabai to remind him. Then the Duchining is messed up. The Kohens forget they're Kohens. I even saw one Kohen washing his own hands. Everybody in the congregation forgets. The rabbi is correct. He's the only one who remembers they forgot. Fran forgets. She denies it, but she forgets. She forgets that she forgets. She'll argue for days that she didn't forget that she forgot. Not a fun discussion. The other people forget that tie-dye went out of style in the '90s. 'No more tie-dye' is an actual rule. They kicked three people out of shul on Shabbat, just for having a shirt that had more than one color. It was said that they were too close to tie-dye. It was a Geoffrey Beene. I would hope our congregants had more class than that. It turns out, they put the shirt in a wash with colored laundry. Tie-dye has to stop. What happened to the white shirt and black pants look?! That seemed to work for Jews on Shabbis for many century. And then Mark has his Angeleno. What happened to decent suits?! Why do they need to add the names when they talk about their suits? Because they're ugly as sin. I think the guys at shul are easily sold to. When the suit guy pats the shoulders, they buy it. It's hard to say no to that. Anytime somebody pats the shoulders the clothes feel good. That's why so many girls in the '80s were wearing shoulder pads. Rabbi is correct, you look like the suit you wear. If you wear a portly, you look portly. The class focused on clothes. The rabbi contended that if you dress in non-Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, you will look like an idiot. He then went on to explain how you wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, because it's Shabbis. To quote: 'You wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis because it's Shabbis. That's why they are called Shabbis clothes. It's Shabbis.' Calling the suit by the last name with an 'a' has really made the suits look better. The fat guys in shul are looking really in shape now, thanks to the huge athletic suits they've been buying. Size 66 athletic suits. Hickey Freeman should be advertising these oversized athletic fit suits. 'The athletic suits that swim in your shoulders and fit just right around your portly belly.' Putting portly in there will help reach our shul's membership clientele. I have seen many out of shape Jews that look good. As Frum Jews we focus on our clothes, not our bodies. Every fight in shul is based on what the Gabai does. He doesn't ask the right people to Daven and a war starts. The rabbi telling the Gabai that he’s almost as bad as the board is hurtful. The rabbi once told a board member, 'You're on the board.' He usually doesn't curse people like that. I don't know what got him so mad. That comment, telling the board member he's on the board, led to a fisticuffs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Dear Lone Soldier...
This is our war. Thank you for fighting it. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for running away from your parents. I get it. I see them in shul. They're annoying. You are Nachis to so many people. And to your parents as well. Even though you left them. As I bring you this ode from a man who didn't serve in Tzahal, let us focus on the Nachis you bring. Lone soldiers, you bring such Nachis to your parents. American parents Nachiskate how their children are in the IDF. The only Nachis my parents got when I moved to Israel was telling people, 'Our son made Aliyah and he asks us for money. That's our kid. He lives in an apartment in Jerusalem we paid for.' You did it of your own volition. You didn't have the mandatory service requirement. You didn't have to become a citizen, but you did it. That word 'citizen' scares me. Anything with citizen in it, I run. I don’t want to pay more taxes. I've suffered enough for the Jewish people. I have been asked to join shul committees. And I am sure your parents have been on the committees. These young people who move to Israel and join the army, they see a future of good for the Jewish people. They see hope. They never served on a shul board. They never had to deal with a committee. They can make decisions and get stuff done. You are Nachis to so many board members who discuss if you should be recognized for your service in the shul bulletin. Board members who have to decide if they should honor you or a local community member who bought Israel Bonds and knows people who will donate in their name. Board members that decided you shouldn't be honored. A board that decided you won't bring in enough money. You chose to serve your people. When all other kids your age in America are at college drinking as much as they can, you decided to serve in the Israeli army drinking as much as you can. You are Nachis to so many soldiers in our IDF that smoke too. You are brave. The extent that you were willing to go to not have to see your parents, it's commendable. In my parents' generation, kids used to run away to join the circus. You joined the army. You ran off to defend our people. I tried running away at 19, but then I saw a bus coming. I was not ready for public transportation. I ran back home. My parents were able to drive me places. I was not raised with public transit abilities. The prospect of having to hold onto a railing while in motion was not for me. My middle class Jewish upbringing did not make for me interacting with strangers during travel. You are Nachis to your parents who are proud of their child who is not afraid to use Egged. You don't even speak Hebrew. You joined an army where you don't know the language. Your Jewish Day School experience didn't set you up for this. When they taught you Hebrew, they thought you might end up needing to interact with Jews in South America. They didn't think Tzahal. You are Nachis and you don't even know what it means. You were adopted and you didn't tell your parents. That's a stinger. You were adopted by a family in Israel who gives you an eight-inch-wide bed for only seven hundred dollars a month, to use once every six Shabbats. And now you sleep head to toe with a kid you're not related to. You are Nachis to the people that adopted you for $700 a month. The way they sometimes kick the youngest out of the mattress of centimeter thickness for you to sleep on Shabbat once every month and a half shows pride. You left your family, and the army decided it was a good idea to constantly remind you that you're alone, a lone soldier. They thought a daily reminder about how you're missing your family would be a good help when thinking about your parents. You were brave enough to make friends when you were all alone. You were branded alone, and you still made friends. You sucked it up and made friends, as lonely as you are. You realized that there are thousands of other lone soldiers. And you became lonely together. Now you're with thousands of people and still lonely. A lone soldier. All alone. You even made Israeli friends, and you can now drink and sing karaoke in Hebrew. And you still have no idea what is going on. Maybe we should change it to soldiers with friends. That sounds less depressing. I made Aliyah and I was alone. I didn't do the army. I was a lone citizen. I was just called an Oleh. It should be lone Oleh and popular soldier with friends. You are Nachis to all the people who love you, even though you are alone. A lone person with friends. The Mitzvahs you do are amazing. Saving lives is a such a Mitzvah. And then honoring your parents by allowing them to Nachiskate at Kiddish about how their child is saving the Jewish people in secret ops. Personally, I wouldn't lie to my parents. I would've told my parents I was cooking Mana Chama on guard duty. But you make them proud, and you speak a better Hebrew than anybody else that came out of Torah Academy Day School. You are Nachis to your parents who still won't move to Israel. You love Mana Chama. And Mana Chama loves you. You are Nachis to chicken flavored noodles. I am not that brave. But I can thank you. Thank you. Todah Rabbah, if you know what that means. Postscript: This Ode is self-serving. I need it. I need it because I feel guilty. And the best way to deal with guilt is to throw it on others. In my heart, I am with you, but we all know what that means. It means I am not there. It means I am relaxing in America right now and going out for ice cream later. Good, fatty American ice cream. I am not on the front lines with our brothers and sisters in this constant battle for Shalom and good in our world. You are alone, lone and a loser, and we appreciate all you do for our people. As long as you remember that you're alone. 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Sermons of Rebuke III: Terumah2/18/2024
Announcements
We have begun the new members campaign. In order to draw people to our community, we are going to get rid of our congregants. We realize that the problem with the shul is the members. We’re asking you not kick people out of every seat. The Makom Kavuahs are out of control. When somebody leaves our town, they relinquish their Makom Kavuah. To be clear: Felsenblum, who made Aliyah eight years ago, does not still have a Makom Kavuah. We respect people who made Aliyah. Shlomo is running for town board. Please put aside everything you know about him. We want him to have a fair chance at election. Upcoming Classes: How to Sit Quietly in Shul. How to Have People Like You. How to Not Annoy the Rabbi. How to Not Be Annoying to Potential Members. How to Not Tell Jokes That Chase People Away From Kiddish. How to Be Somebody People Want to Daven With. How To Pay Your Rabbi a Decent Salary. We ask members say the words of Tefillahs. Mumbling is out of control. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Temple tells you what gifts to give... No. It wouldn’t want your post-modern artwork. Nobody asked you to donate the sheet to the chapel. How the tie-dye fits into the chapel... Is the chapel's theme ‘lack of belief in Gd’? Then it would make sense the Pinkowitz family gave it tye-die... H' tells us how to make the Keruvim as well... There is a reason. I have seen the artwork of the children in our community. (25:18-20) The Keruvim have spread wings... Rashi teaches that they have to be spread up high. You would have them flapping down. Chilling with tie-dye shirts... H’ has to coach you on everything. Yes. If He didn't, we would end up with crayon drawings that make my fridge look bad... (25:21) ‘And the ark cover (Kaporet) goes on the ark, from above.’ Why H' has to spell this out... 'Ark cover.' It’s a cover. COVER!!! The board would’ve have had a meeting and covered it from below. Like a fool... Covers go on top. They’re covers. They cover things. Not like your shirt. This tie-dye thing... Are we living in the 80s? When did tie-dye become a thing in our shul? Legalization of marijuana... The car cover makes no sense... It's your only car. When it's covered you can't drive it. You have to uncover it to drive... That's why you're late for Minyin all the time. Let me coach you on some rules we have to follow for success in our shul... The congregants are annoying. The only way to get new members is to not have you guys here. No tie-dye. As we look at Shlomo's shirt, we know how ugly it is. And don't talk about Shlomo, it's not fair to his campaign. If anybody knows what we know about Shlomo it would be considered a smear campaign... I’ve seen him walking around in his tie-dye. Grateful Dead fan... No Makom Kavuahs. If everybody keeps up these permanent lifetime seats, we’re going to have no open seats in the shul. There’ll be 250 empty taken seats... Afterlife is not considered part of the lifetime plan. Just pay your dues for once... You kicked them out of every seat. One seat at a time. They went to the next seat and you kicked them out of there... You could've showed them an open seat. But you just kicked them out... Nobody was sitting there. We didn’t even have a Minyin. You can’t kick them out of every seat... Felsenblum hasn’t been here in eight years. It’s not his Makom Kavuah anymore... I understand you like extra arm space. But you have a chair with a watch on it. Does a watch need a chair??? You kicked out this guy... He was visiting. You told him the seat is taken and you put your watch on it. We need new members. That's why it's a 'new members campaign.' There is no apostrophe 's' in members. It doesn't belong to new people joining the shul. It is to get new people to take your spots... Your spots as members. So that the shul could have a membership the rabbi likes... If members showed up, maybe. They don't come to shul, and they still have seats... Even then, you don’t just kick out a new guy from everywhere. You didn’t even say anything. you just moved your finger at him... It’s threatening. I’m scared. Everybody should show up to the classes this week. Especially Bernie. How to Sit Quietly in Shul should be attended by the back left. No more mumbling the Davening. Gd thinks our whole congregation doesn't know how to annunciate. Other than when they're kicking somebody out of a seat... You mumble. There is no way you are saying anything... It's about covering stuff correctly, with Kavod. Treating the congregation right, with Kavod... Cover yourself when you sneeze. Rivka's Rundown It makes sense. Get rid of the old membership and new people might want to come to our shul, to be part of the community. Get rid of all of the members and tie-dye. I have seen the artwork in the rabbi's house. His kids are bad with Crayola. He has a right to be mad at his preschoolers. He has the ugliest fridge in the community. I think the rabbi was mad about the tie-dye and the lack of dress it has brought to the shul. When he was talking about covering the Aron, he was truly telling the congregants to cover themselves. I believe that’s why he stressed ‘Cover.' I am just happy he didn't talk about how we have to treat our bodies like a Temple and cover them. That would've been another twenty minutes on the sermon. He’s a seat kicker outer goon. He sees people come in and he just kicks them out. Just a selfish congregation. They never learned about Hachnasat Orchim. He kicked the guy out of the seat and put his watch on it, I have to say, it was cool to see Yankel kick these people out of every seat. One guy got rid of his membership, and Yankel still told the visitors the seat is taken. He kicked them out of the guy’s seat because he sat there eight years ago. And he’s doing it with his finger. He’s our enforcer. Yankel the enforcer. If I ever need a seat on a bus, I’m getting Yankel. The classes are just the rabbi’s complaints about Bernie. It’s a lot of mumbling. Pinny mumbles when you talk to him. Sometimes I think he’s praying when I ask him how he’s doing at Kiddish. We know too much about Shlomo. Even his Davening is annoying. I am not going to vote for him. He mumbles too loudly. It's annoying. If nobody understands his campaign speeches I will try to help and explain to people, 'Because he Davens.' It was tie-dye. Not a joke. Our chapel has tie-dye in it. We are not a remodern shul or whatever you call it. We are not any of the ‘re’s. The new members campaign was not successful. The membership was involved trying to get new members. Hence, we couldn't get rid of the old ones. It's a vicious cycle of the same members in our shul. The rabbi made it clear that he appreciates those who made Aliyah and moved to Israel, as he doesn't have to see them. He is the first rabbi I have ever met who started an anti-Zionist Aliyah campaign. His goal is to send all Jews of Congregation Anshei Beis Emes uSefilah to Israel, away from his community, to make it harder on Israel. To quote: 'I have dealt with them on the board. Good luck... Jewish Agency representative, please note, these people should never vote on anything. They have been on committees... They ruined my shul.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.
You're Introduced to the Family He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.' His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that. He Introduces You to His Brother Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?! You're His Plus One The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage. If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over. He Yells at You That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel. Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing. He Stops Getting the Car Door for You He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date. He Says He Loves Your Cooking You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it. He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship. He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work. He Posts a Picture of the Two of You He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care. A Lollipop on Shabbis That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works. He Starts Asking You for Stuff He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job. There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXX2/14/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see David’s thoughts on Israeli boardgames, puzzles and cards, while he complains about a rabbi trying to make the Super Bowl a beautiful Jewish experience, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames while our people are at war.
‘Encyclopedia.’ That doesn’t seem like a fun game... No. Learning can’t be fun. There’s a reason Encyclopedias don’t make boardgames. I’m starting to think these Israeli boardgames are tricky ways to get Frum kids to study. With games like ‘Torah and Commentary’ no wonder some kids don’t have decent aerobic conditioning... And that kid sitting on the top of a world of Trivia Pursuit cards looks off. No child enjoys reading that much.
The card game of Mitzvot between man and man. My friend didn’t let me win the game. Which is why he lost. He treated me wrong. That’s the tricky part of the game. You win when you lose... I question if teaching kids card games is a good way teach how to not take advantage of other people. I don't think charging five dollars for a deck of cards helps either.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Mishpatim2/12/2024
Announcements
We apologize for our Gabai who likes to lead services. We’re now stuck with having to hear Moishie every Shacharit. We have no choice. He chooses himself to lead. We need ads for our Bulletin. It looks very not Jewish to have no ads. The shul is so out of shape. We saw a group picture from Tu BShvat. We thought the congregation should know how bad they look. We commend the Finkel Mishpacha for kicking the new members out of your seat. It shows gall and a courage that only a good Jew would have. Nobody else would show up at the end of services and tell other people they are wrong. Please be quieter when disciplining your kids. Many congregants are now worried they are doing something wrong due to very loud shushes. Shul learning program will be attended by four people. That’s it. We know. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mishpatim. Laws. We follow them... People who are not members of our shul follow them. There are rules. This isn’t one of our weekday Minyins where people do whatever they want... You can’t just lead because you feel like it. You can’t become Gabai to pick yourself every time... Yes. I feel like a slave to this shul. You should let me go... You have injured my soul. Serving this congregation has done damage to my Nishama. (Shemot 21:20) ‘If a man strikes his slave or maidservant with a rod and he shall die under his hand, he shall surely be avenged’... Will this shul ever be avenged for the death of the soul they have caused me... My slavery to this congregation... It’s a matter of where you fight. You have to be aware of your surroundings. (21:22) ‘If men fight and they hit a pregnant woman and she miscarries... he shall surely be punished...’ Why are you fighting in a nursery school?... The fight at Lamaze... Uncalled for... You must take responsibility. This isn't your dues, Simcha. It's about being held accountable. Culpable... Not cupable. I understand the Kiddish Dixie cups are not cupable. I am with you 100% Bernie. You can't drink out of those things. Tiny... (21:23-37) You pay Damages... You don’t let your ox go out and gore people. You don’t leave holes out in the middle of the street... Yes. the county should be sued for the potholes.... It's about rules and safety. And accountability. (22:1-3) If he’s tunneling into your house and he’s killed, that’s fine... We’re not talking about Chabad kids trying to get to a Mikvah... All slaves to people who don't want to work. People who don't want to try. People who take no responsibility. Is it even a Jewish bulletin? All Jewish printed form has ads. Mishpacha Magazine has no articles. Just ads... Because it's Jewish. That's how Jewish magazines are written. Ad form... Yes. That’s an announcement. You should know you’re out of shape. Accountability... You think I have a good metabolism. I'm Jewish. You treat people like slaves. It was the guy’s first Shabbis in the shul... You didn’t even wish him a Shabbat Shalom or a Hello. You just told him to get out... I don’t care how often you sit there. You sit there three minutes a Shabbis. You showed up two hours late. It was almost Kiddish... You say 'Shabbat Shalom.' And you wonder why your kids are nasty... You discipline your kids and the whole congregation thinks they did something wrong... Your kids are still talking and yelling at each other. Pulling hair. Your shush is so loud... Even Finkel doesn’t shush that loud to people sitting in his seat... Even Bernie stopped talking. That’s how scary your shush was... Take responsibility for your Shushes. Fran lost her hearing from it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi considers it slavery to have to answer questions from Fran and Ethel. To see Bernie kills his soul. Our congregants get in fights everywhere. I think the fight at Lamaze happened when Michel asked Shloimy if his wife was pregnant. Shloimy said, 'How dare you say that.' The potholes are real bad. Somebody has to redo the shul parking lot. The fact that the board is blaming the city for that has many of us questioning. The Gabai just gets up and leads. Nobody can protest, as they’re not the Gabai. He even gives himself the Aliyahs to the Torah. He calls himself up. 'Ani Ben Abba Sheli.' You protest, the Gabai asks, 'Do you want to do it?' And then people let hm lead everything. He's like the Pinzkowitz kids and their Anim Zemirot. The part of the sermon that spoke most to me was the taking responsibility lesson, and the Kiddish cups not being cupable. It’s true. Only ads. The whole magazine is ads. Every Jewish paper and magazine just has ads. Except our bulletin. I think we should advertise who paid dues. There would be at least one ad. I know the Simchovitz family paid dues. They're a bunch of fools. We're the most out of shape congregation. Habgah is pathetic. We have to have two congregants lift the Torah together. That's how weak we've become. Finkel just walked over to the guy and said, ‘Get out. My seat.’ The guy had never been to our congregation. He and his kids just took the only open seats. They didn't know it was Finkel. Rest of Davening they just stood in back. That's how they were welcomed to our shul. Standing in the back in protest. Kicked out and standing in the back. Thanks to Finkel, I don't think we've had a new member in three years. I respect Finkel’s ability to kick people out of his seat. No name on it. I don’t even think Finkel pays dues. The courage of Finkel. It’s an example. These parents are so threatening with their looks and shushes. I got scared with the shush. I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I wasn’t even talking. I felt like the twenty-two-year-old was parenting me. I was so afraid of making noise, I stayed seated the rest of Davening, and I started eating green beans. 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As I have learned over my many years in Yeshiva, the Super Bowl is a Jewish holiday. We will claim it as Jewish. Nobody is showing up to shul or learning Torah on Super Bowl night. Hence, it's a Jewish holiday, and there are traditions. Here are some of them.
Discuss How Jews Are Involved If you know anybody at the game, you bring them up at the party. A camera guy is a cousin of a friend's relative. Let the people know. It's tradition. A commercial actor who didn't make it in LA is in the background of a Super Bowl commercial. Let people know. Nothing makes for more Jewish pride than saying there is a Jew there. Spotting a Kippah in the stands of a broadcast is Jewish pride. Note the Jew. The definition of Jewish pride is being able to say, 'I saw a Jew on TV.' It brings back memories of the pride I felt as a kid when I was watching two Jews fight on Springer with Yarmulkes on. Make Somebody Jewish Find a way to make somebody in the game Jewish. After going through the players and coaches, settle on the owner. As long as they're Jewish, it counts. Maybe a Niners fan is Jewish. The tradition is to say a Jew is involved. Over the years I have learned to identify every Jew. As a Jew, I have learned to single Jews out of a crowd. If I wasn't Jewish, some might call me anti-Semetic. But I am Jewish, and I only do it to identify the bad athletes. Turns out not the owners of the Chiefs or Niners are not Jewish. Though it makes the tradition harder, use that as a way to combat antisemitism. Tell your friends at work that Jews don't own everything, so they can find a different reason to hate us. If finding a Jew is hard, find a Jewish connection. 'Mike Brown is a Christian Zionist.' Zionist is close enough to Jewish. Figure Out Who Is Going To Win Based on Kabbalah Somebody has to give a Dvar Torah. Somebody sharing words of Torah at the meal is tradition. They can't just sit and enjoy the game. They have to justify their watching the game with Torah, ruining the experience for me. You can say something like, 'Eighty-eight in Gematria is the Hebrew Word for "Chief." There will be eighty-eight points.' We love predicting with Hebrew letters based on numbers. Now you can give a nice Torah speech at the party, and disrupt the game. Note: The Kabbalistic prediction usually happens after the game. Don't use it to place a bet. Placing bets you'll lose is Asur. Talk About How Much the Seats Cost The commentators are pointlessly conversing about the catch made over the secondary. Why?! I want to know how much that guy paid for the ticket in the third row. That is more dramatic. Why are they not talking about Mark’s new business he opened and the Disney vacation he gave up for the seat in section 2A?! Couple that with the conversation about how a half minute ad costs over five million dollars and you have fulfilled the requirement of the Super Bowl Seder. Focus on the Commercials ...and the chicken wings. What we will talk about on Monday. Not the game. I have never met somebody at shul who knew what happened in a Super Bowl. But they know what Dunkin' Donuts and State Farm did. And watch the game during halftime. I don't know why. The game is not going on. It's tradition. Prayer Break Special mention to my devout brethren who don't watch the halftime show, as they don't want to end up in Gehenim for a football game. The Maariv break is for the few Jews who understand the game. The ones that didn't grow up religious. They use the halftime opportunity to Daven. Fans of the Niners will put in a word to Gd on behalf of their favorite team. This of course assumes that H' is a football fan, which of course He is not. He is into cricket. Note: The prayer break helps us if we're rooting for one of the teams. It focuses our Kavanah. We Eat They tried to kill them, they lost, let's eat. I believe that's how it goes. Set Up a Buffet That's like a Kiddish. A Kiddish with brisket. Every Jewish holiday has brisket. Shabbis has chicken. Chagim have brisket. And there is a tradition to have four bowls of guacamole. If you truly are a fan and your team loses, question your faith, and eat more. Stay Up in Israel Stay up all night, till the students come to the rabbi and tell him that the time for the morning Kriyat Shema has come. I felt it was important to be blatenly obvious about the Pesach references. Jews should not be subtle at a holiday meal. I learned that from my aunt, who shares her politics while telling everybody else that 'we're not going to talk politics.' Antisemitism No Jewish event is complete without antisemitism. Robert Kraft made sure we will get our fill. A Tzadik. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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My friend donated to FIDF. He must be very mad at the Israeli army. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? FIDF is Friends of the IDF. I mistook that for F-IDF. FIDF supports the Israeli defense forces. If he‘d have said he was giving money to F the IDF, that‘d be different. They said I have to do Kiddish BMakom Seudah. But I wanted the meal too. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? That means to make Kiddish in the place you are eating the meal. BMakom means 'in the place of.' I thought they meant to make Kiddish instead of the Seudah. Nothing like a bilingual pun. Midrash teaches Paroh was short. But how do we know he was 12 inches tall? He was the ruler of Mitzrayim. (Mordechai) You get it? A ruler. 12 inch measuring stick. Ruler. Paroh was a ruler. The ruler pun is a classic. It is so versatile. Always tickles the funny. The IDF wanted reserves, but they got puffed pastries. They asked for Miliumniks. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Milui means fill. Miluimnikim sounds like puffed hors d'oeuvres (Mimulaim). It almost sounds like Mimulaim. Enough so. I am sure somebody thinks they sound a bit the same. There must be somebody. Nobody would be fighting if pigs in blankets were being served. Sometimes, a good pun is there to teach you another language. This pun should be required reading in Ulpan. The eighth plague was the least expensive one. It was locust. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? If someone with poor speech patterns says it, this pun works. Say locust very slow with improper speech and it sounds like ‘low cost.‘ Though, emphasis has to be on 'cust.' It's not LOcust but loCOst. That's how you have to say it. We will be putting out guides on how to pronounce puns correctly. He was sitting at the Seder on Tu Bshvat alone. Sarah, said he should have a date. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A date is a fruit. It’s also a date, like going out with somebody. Everybody does this pun. It’s tradition. We’ll do the date puns too. Just wait till Rosh Hashana. We'll use them then too. Even if it means having to add another Siman that has nothing to offer in Hebrew, we will do it for the sake of the pun. We are committed to Mitzvahs. Jews said the new statue at the stadium was forbidden, as it was standing idle. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Idol and idle. Idols stand idle. They don‘t move. They‘re also forbidden. As we learn in the Parsha, there's only one Gd. Gd doesn't stand idle. In order to understand this pun, you must know Jewish philosophy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Yitro2/5/2024
Announcements
We are asking people to put away their Siddurs. It appears that congregants are good at taking the Siddurim and Sefarim off the shelves. They are just not good at putting them back. Members have asked, and the rabbi has given the Psak that a chair cannot double as a bookshelf. We want to apologize for some of the messed up names in our congregation. Betzalel Zalman makes no sense. It sounds off. Zalman Betzalel would sound better. And we apologize for that. We also apologize for Bracha Faiga. Hector Schwartz also makes no sense. We’re sorry. This Shabbat is the Schulman Bar Mitzvah. If you want an Aliyah don’t show up. Last Bar Mitzvah refused to celebrate Merv’s Ninetieth. Celebrating Birthdays last week are Kim, Sharon, Mark, Bill and Yankel. Fred and Marcie are also celebrating their anniversary three weeks ago. We are celebrating the Yahrzeit of Shmiel Simchovitz this week. Nobody liked him. There will be schnapps served. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 18:9) ‘vYached Yitro.’ Yitro rejoiced. Yachad, same word as one. He was one with the good H’ did, rescuing the Jews from Mitzrayim. He connected. You are happy when you connect. When you see something good, you rejoice and connect. Nobody has ever connected with our shul board... When you come into a shul where nobody says Hi, nobody connects. So Yitro is now part of our people... Because he rejoiced. He was a pleasure to be around. Unlike Betzalel Zalman. Zalman should be first. With a name like that, Zalman Betzalel. And Hector. Change your first or last name... I don't know. It just doesn't seem to fit. What can we rejoice in? Bernie didn't make it to shul this Shabbis. What do you rejoice in? Definitely not Mitzvot. Definitely not coming to shul on time. Nobody is rejoicing with Zalman and is offbeat singing... Yes. I am judging. It's bad. Almost as bad as putting Betzalel before Zalman. (18:13) Moshe is judging the people alone... Because he had no help. Have you ever seen anybody in this shul help? Have you ever seen a board member lift a hand? Have you ever seen the Gabai not talking? (18:14) Yitro asks him why he does this all alone. Like any father-in-law, he lets the son-in-law know he’s doing nothing right... He doesn’t know that nobody in his congregation volunteers. Yitro is the leader of a people who know how to use tools... Maybe the Jews back then knew how to use tools. I can tell you, they weren't members of this congregation. Michael can't even build a prefab bookcase... Our janitor has problems putting together the prefab tables. He can't figure out how to get the rings to slide down... (18:17) Yitro tells Moshe, ‘The thing you do is not good.’ I have been telling that to the board for years. But nobody listens to me. Yitro then tells Moshe to have other people, leaders, judge the people as well. How many times have I told this congregation to be more judgmental?! I'm not the only one who sees how annoying the back left section of the shul is... (18:23) If they help you in this judging ‘you will be able to last, and also the nation will arrive at its destination in peace.’ If people helped every once in a while, and I didn’t have to do everything alone, I would maybe want to be here... If you all put away your Siddurs every once in a while, the shul would be at peace. If you all weren't so annoying... I can’t do everything alone. It is getting hard having to sit day and night, listening to you people. Very hard. Painful. Especially Felvel... Be happy you're married. I have to hear about the kids. We all know they're an issue. We see them in shul... 'My back. The cousins are coming. I need to shovel...' Get a doctor... Help. At least do something... Last time I asked for help, you brought in a cleaning service... I was asking for help with youth groups. I can't give sermons and lead this community while running youth groups... What where they going to do? Clean the kids with a vacuum?! It’s about everybody participating in a positive way. Doing your jobs correctly... If you were able to hold a job down Marcie, you would pay dues... Yes. Paying dues is a help. It at least helps me feel like I am here for a reason... To get paid. Listening to this congregation is not what a Jewish boy should do. We're talking about helping. About doing your job as a Jew. You can’t even put away your Siddurim correctly. Pinchas has to put them away for you. He’s the only one who was educated to clean up after himself... You take the Sefarim off the shelves. You’re good at taking. Then you’re good at leaving it for somebody else... I get it. There are a lot of issues that need dealing with, because the board is full of a bunch of idiots. Why can’t you announce anything on time?... Birthday announcements for last week?! They passed. You should announce 'stuff you missed because we don't help...' People wished an ‘I’m sorry I forgot your birthday’... Who remembers birthdays? We have announcements to let us know we’re supposed to say we care. And then Tu BShvat was a week late. Nothing is on time... This is why nobody is ever in shul when we start. It's your announcements. Speaking about birthdays, I believe our shul likes Yahrtzeits more... It's about not having to do everything yourself. It's about sharing responsibility... Even during a Simcha you can share the Bima... What are you going to do when the Pintzkowitz kids run up for Anim Zemirot... Are you sure your cousins can take them down, along with Mr. Harvey Pintzkowitz... I know he’s up there too. I don't know if the third graders can take down Mr. Pintzkowitz... We do want to wish the Schulmans a Mazel Tov. We hope the Gabai has an easier time than he did last month with the Schwartz’s cousins. Calling up Mateo, Santiago and Alvaro Ben Eduardo was not easy. At least Yankel is a Jewish name. Yankel Ben Rodriguez... I don't know why his Jewish name is a Cental American last name. And I don't know why it's not Zalman Betzalel. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said that working at this shul is not for a Jew. I have to agree. No Jew should feel required to show up to Davening on time. The rabbi was branded a racist for telling Hector his name didn't fit. And the rabbi responded with, 'Shaindel Heimowitz. Your name doesn't make sense either.' The names in our shul make no sense. You never put a Zalman as a middle name. And Mark Yankel Smith. Something is wrong with our membership. Hector Schwartz. No Hebrew names in that family. Hector Ben Mateo Ben Julio. Ben is the only Hebrew part of these people's names. They don't even try. The family is South African. I don't know how they got those names. Nobody cleans up after themselves. Pinchas is sick of putting away the Siddurim. He is now putting them back in spite. He curses while he's putting them back. Some people kiss a Siddur when putting it away, Pinchas is saying 'Bernie that piece...' Seeing the birthday names, I am starting to feel like I’m at a Baptist shul. Does anybody in our shul have a Jewish name. Even Betzalel comes off as not Jewish when our Gabai calls him up. A midwestern accent was not made for Jews. They decided to start announcing birthdays late. I think it has something to do with not wanting to buy cake for the members anymore. The board decided that nobody likes birthday cake. We now get babka every week for Kiddish and everybody is happy. The rabbi is correct. Nobody cares about the birthdays. We need a warning to be able to pretend like we remembered. Now we have to wish an excuse, with stuff like, 'I was thinking about you... I messed up the date... No. I showed up for my doctor's appointment on the second, on the day of your birthday. But I forgot what date it was.' The congregants appreciate the Yahrzeits more. They like celebrating when people die more than when they have to see them at Kiddish. At Shmiel Simchovitz's Yahrzeit they handed out Yahrzeit candles for people to drink out of. It's turned into a tradition. I think I have a set of Shmiel Yahrzeit glasses. In our community it's trendy. When people have a Simcha they never share any of the honors. I think they’re worried their relatives will have to deal with listening the rest of the congregation. We all know how painful that is. So, they have their family do all of the Aliyahs and their families lead the services. This way they don't have to justify the heretics to their cousins. I thought the lesson Yitro was telling Moshe was to involve other people, then they will join and all will be better. I like the rabbi’s take though. It is our congregation's fault. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I just found out there are more ways to disturb my Kavanah in shul. It didn't take long. Just one day. I have to interact with these people, and they easily annoy me.
Just watching them interact bothered me. And they’re loud. Here is more ways they disturbed me, since yesterday. Hugs A loud embrace. It's not just a hug. It's a hug with a pat. A loud dramatic pat of two overweight guys. The hug interrupted my whole Davening. I didn't realize embraces can be so loud. Then they went for hitting. I thought it was a pat, but it sounded more like whacks. Slapping each other. It was a violent show of affection from one Frum Jew to another. Then an 'Ah... good to see you.' As if the three minute embrace slap wasn't loud enough to disturb the silent prayer. Kids Brought the little ones. They decided that shul is the right place for preschoolers. Seeing Bernie and Feivel fight over an Aliyah is an important part of early childhood education. Watching them fight and tracing the Aleph bet in the Siddur. Constant child education. I have to see them teaching and disciplining for my morning Shacharit. I didn't realize one child could do everything wrong. And then I have to see them eating Cheerios in a bag. That is the shul food of choice for a child. Shushing Why is his Shush louder than his kids?! Rule I adopted: To stop other people from disturbing, you should be quieter than them. The Welcomer This guy was given the job because he couldn't stop talking in shul. Conversation If all else doesn't work, they go to conversation. Full on conversation. Not a Hello or Shalom. Full on, 'How is your family doing?' in the middle of the Torah reading. Anything to kill my Kavanah. Takes the Cellphone Call Took the call in shul. Middle of Shacharit, answered the call. Pressed the green button and started asking how the grandkids were. He realized that was disturbing, so he went to the hall and put the phone on speaker. As loud as the speaker goes. Comes back into the shul, after the speaker phone hallway fiasco, and slams his chair. Had to slam the chair. Had to let us know he was finished with his call and ready to feng-shui the shul. Random Out Loud Hebrew Words The guy next to me randomly goes loud to show his Kavanah. Like he's competing with the rabbi. The Chazin is definitely second fiddle to 'Modim' guy. I once said Amen to Modim guy finishing the 'Sim Shalom' Bracha of the Amidah. I was disturbed that the Chazin skipped the rest of the repetition. Then I realized it was Modim guy. Why I have to know this guy is doing Modim every silent Amidah still baffles me. It throws off my Kavanah for a good fifteen minutes. Till the end of Davening, I'm corner eyeing this guy. And then his YaAleh vYavo on Rosh Chodesh. They hear that all the way at youth groups. Shemonah Esrei Out Loud The silent prayer was done with full audible. The only guy in shul who doesn't know it's called the silent prayer because you're supposed to do it silently. Come to think of it, I don't know if I'm hearing anything coming out of his mouth. It's just the lips. He moves his lips very loudly. It's more annoying than hearing the words. Yes. Hearing the lips move is more annoying. Sitting Right Next to Me Who sits right next to a guy?! We're not in a relationship. There's a whole pew and he sits right on me. As if pews are meant for more than one person. H' knows we're praying together. We don't have to be holding hands in unison. Saying 'Amen' without yelling it does the job. I would never go to a movie with this guy. A whole row of open chairs and he decides he wants to share an armrest. Walking Then I have a guy starting a walking group in the back of the shul. Calls it pacing. Like it's another form of Shuckling. Handshake Like fraternity brothers, it was a two-minute shake. After the two-minute overture, it turned out they were trying to prove who was more of a man, through grip. One guy's face got so red because the other guy was cupping his hand. This is what I have to see in the middle of Davening. The problem is people are comfortable at shul. That's why it's impossible to pray with these people. But it's a Minyin. H' hears all of us. I know I hear them. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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They will find a way to interrupt my Davening. That is their goal. I go to shul to pray and these people will do anything to kill my Kavanah. They want to disturb my Davening. That's why they show up to shul. To kill my focus. I can't pray with these people, but I have no choice. I have to. It's a Minyin.
Here is what they do. You can learn from them and bother me during Davening too. They Cough Loudest coughs I have heard. How do people who have no voice get out such a loud cough. The guy can't even talk. He's too shy to have a conversation. When he coughs, he breaks out of his shell. Sneeze I have never heard louder sneezes. I guess they feel comfortable. A full 'Hafewy.' They add a 'Ha' and then an 'ee' at the end. Like they're sneezing in Hebrew. Chuchs Loudest Chuchs. The cough ends in a Chuch. Sneeze ends with a Chuch. It's not even from the same part of the body as the Chuch, but it ends in a Chuch. As if the sneezing doesn't disturb my Davening enough with their tissueless Hafewy shpritz. When Hymie flips over a page, it's a Chuch. Don't get me started on the disgustingness of Hymie and Max turning a page. The amount of phlegm coming out of their mouths to get to page 160. These things are not just loud. They're disgusting. And then, after the Hafewy and Chuch, I has to look at the tissue. I have to see this guy admiring his nasal mucus in the middle of Tachnun. Singing So off tune. I don't even know why my shul does anything that is supposed to have a melody. The offness of it kills my Kavanah. And why is he banging the table, thinking it's a djembe. When they start singing Lecha Dodi, everything in my shul somehow turns into a darbuka. And yes, hitting pews and Siddurs bothers me. As does the guy next to me jumping up and down, like he's hearing the other congregants singing a song to a beat. It's all messed up. Breathing Just the way the guy breathes. It's annoying. I've got to hear the guy taking breathes. Anything to disturb me. And then he bends. Does bending come with a noise? Is there a bending noise? Every bend comes with an 'Ahhhh!..' Space is the only thing that can help. I think if I had a lot of space, I could get through Davening without these people. Standing Why is it that standing makes noise? It's louder than the bending. Even just getting up out of a chair comes with a complaint. A loud 'Ahhhh. My back!' Shuckling The way some of these people shuckle, back and forth. The swaying. Out of the corner of my eye I have to see this guy rocking in all different directions. They're moving so much. How one moves so much without moving is an anomaly. Wearing A Scarf Why is he wearing a scarf? Winter is almost over. I can't Daven looking at that. Is he trying to throw off my Davening. And we're inside. Is there a draft in the seventy-eight degree shul for people who forgot to go down to Florida. Chair Movement How often must a chair be moved? I have never seen a chair moved as much as a member at Musaf. It's like this guy came to shul to design the thing. I'm trying to answer the Kedusha prayer with Kavanah and he's feng-shuing the pews. Reconfigure the Shul How often do people have to arrange Siddurs? I have never been in a shul where somebody didn't have to return Siddurs in the middle of Davening. For some reason, there are always piles of Siddurs in the wrong place. If Jewish day schools would teach kids to put stuff away, I wouldn't have to deal with Pinny piling up Siddurs in the middle of the Amidah. It’s frustrating but we have to Daven with them and love them. That’s what makes it a Minyin. Being annoyed by these guys. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The board would like to apologize for the dried fruit this Tu BShvat. Due to injured stomachs, we will not serve dried fruit ever again. We want to apologize for the board missing Tu BShvat announcements last week. You can practice the holiday now. You can still care about trees if you would like. Though after Tu BShvat the trees don’t care. You missed nothing at the Tu BShvat Seder other than Maurice and Helen fighting over when Matzah is going to be served. We would like to apologize for the date joke. We counted twelve people saying it. Nobody should have to hear that joke about getting a date and eating a date more than once a year. And that includes Rosh Hashana Simanim. We ask people to keep their embraces silent. The Shlomo and Baruch hug last Shabbat was way too loud. Older people got scared. We are going to force the Himmelmans to share Anim Zemirot. The kids have been hogging the Bima. There are other kids in the shul who also can’t sing. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... And the Jews complain to Moshe. Not a surprise. I have a congregation. I can see what he had to deal with. Korach. A president. Complainers. A board... Egypt is approaching them at the sea, and the Jews say (Shemot 14:11-12) ‘... Were there no graves in Mitrayim... Is this not what we said to you in Mitzrayim, “Let us be and we will serve Mitzrayim?” For it is better for us that we serve Mitzrayim than we die in the desert.’ The people complained about freedom. Who complains about freedom? Other than Shloimy, who complains about having too much money?!... They're talking about dying. But the real question is, how do you live? What is better. Is it better to be a member of our shul or to enjoy life?... I feel like a slave here. It can be hard to have faith. Especially when dealing with the congregants at Beis Knesses Beis Torahs Emes uSefilah. With the Egyptians on their back Moshe tells them H’ will fight for them. He tells them to have faith. He tells them to shut up... Yes. That was directed at Bernie. We must think about living free to serve H'. To have faith that things will be good. To not be slaves to Egypt or the board of this shul. ‘Is it not better that I would not have to sit next to Fran during the sermon?’ I understand these questions from my pupils... Dealing with her does have me questioning my faith. What are we complaining about? Getting attacked at the sea, where you can't see a future, can have you looking to the easy way out. The slavery of Egypt. To coming back to this congregation. Hard to see a future dealing with the shul here... It's easy to put together a Tu BShvat Seder that nobody will enjoy... I understand why you ask if one can enjoy themselves on a Tu BShvat diet. I'm still starving from last night’s Seder. I believe that the more I ate, the hungrier I became. Can one live on a vegan diet? ‘It is better we eat meat than have to die to a vegan diet on Tu BShvat’... There was no dessert at the Tu BShvat Seder. That is correct. It is better we die with dessert than without. How one can serve so much fruit and not one dessert?!... And then people want to continue Tu BShvat. The pain the suffering. As opposed to moving ahead and eating enjoyable food. I want to apologize for the vegan Kiddish this week. I believe it is hurting the trees of our planet. We are looking towards salvation. Not freedom. The Jews were fine without salvation. That is the issue. Salvation is a hope. A hope for something good. A hope that you'll get a decent dessert with Gd. When the sisterhood puts together a Tu BShvat Seder, there is no hope. What are you serving? That is the question. They were fine serving Paroh. You can't live like that... It's not living. It's dying slow. You're serving dried fruit. Apricots. Is there salvation in apricots?!... I know Tu BShvat is over. You can still care about trees. Dried fruit is amazing. It preserves life... Preservatives are good. Pikuach Nefesh. But saving lives for what??? The date joke... It’s a date, so you say people should have a lot of dates. We get it. It’s annoying. To have to live with that joke. No salvation... Please never invite me to another Tu BShvat Seder at this shul again. They are all fighting and they are not even family... No. There is no Matzah, Maurice. It's Tu BShvat. Bread is allowed... And the complaints and fighting in this place is too much... Even when you hug, it sounds like you’re fighting. Loudest hugs I have ever heard in my life. The patting. It's a smack. It's the loudest show of care for a friend... Yes. It disturbs Davening. And it scares people. Ethel had a heart attack. She heard the hug and went into an extreme panic... It might have been a panic attack. Either way, the whole shul was worried, and Sadie was happy she could finally get in a decent Davening without being interrupted. First hearing of the embrace. The pats. You disturbed all of shul. Couldn't hear the Kaddish with your embracing and hug taps.... What makes life worth it is the question. The journey was there for us to understand what is worth living for. Emunah. Faith that someday things will be good. Someday, there could be another job. That faith in good is what keeps you moving ahead. Not dealing with the Beis Knesses Anshei Diburei BEmtzah HaTefillah. It's the hope that one day we won't be slaves to this having to drive electric cars... No. You cannot make it Chicago with that thing. The belief that one day the Pintzkowitz kids will not lead in Anim Zemirot... Your kids have to stop doing Anim Zemirot sometimes. Even if you drive a Tesla. They don't have good voices... We know you think they do... Why don't you learn to lead services. Then your kids wouldn't have to... Michael. If you learned to do Shacharit, you wouldn't force your children... Focus on life. That is what Moshe was telling them. (14:13-14) 'See the salvation of H"... H' will fight for you and you will keep silent.' Stop talking. Keep your mouths shut. How much pulls this off with the whole nation, telling them all to shut up, is brilliant. One day there might be a decent Kiddish again. And the members of the shul will stop complaining. If the people in this shul would just stop talking, I believe we would all see salvation... Bernie. I'm in the middle of the sermon. Please refrain from conversation till it's over... Salvation from the Pintzkowitz kids... No. Your kids should get hurt. They don’t share Anim Zemirot. Four years... The oldest is already fifteen. Rivka's Rundown It would appear the rabbi is still looking into other jobs. Talking about complaining about the future because the past is easy, he wants out. What a brilliant concept. Complaining about the future. Only our membership can find a way to complain about something that hasn't happened yet. Rabbi Mendelchem is truly meant for our shul. And he will complain about it. Which is so brilliant. It seems we practice all holidays a week late. Our board always forgets the holidays in announcements. Two years ago, the board implemented a Sukkot Sheini. A second Sukkot for those who missed the first one, because they forgot to put it in the announcements. If our religion was organized by our board, we would have Sheinis for all holidays. Not just Pesach. They would've been complaining to H' that they missed the holidays every time, and for not good reason; probably golf or tennis. They would have Rosh Hashana Sheini, Yom Kippur Sheini, Yom Huledet Sheini. I can't tell you the amount of birthdays have been missed in the birthday announcements. The board always has to announce the birthdays from the pulpit with an 'I'm sorry we missed...' Why they even have the birthday section in the announcements makes no sense. The only thing I have ever seen there is, 'We want to wish a Mazel Tov for Bernie on his birthday, which was celebrated two and a half months ago. Mazel...' So smooth. The way the rabbi told Bernie to shut up. It was Moshesque. How the rabbi came up with electric cars, I don't know. I am trying to figure out what that has to do with death and living. Those apricots killed my stomach. I don’t know if apricots have ever not killed my stomach, even wet. The Kiddish committee is very not happy about the dried fruits ban. They have eighteen pounds of dried fruit leftover from Tu BShvat, with a twenty-four year expiration date on them. The committee is hoping the ban will be lifted next Tu BShvat or within the next twenty years. It’s very complicated to have a Seder with no Matzah. Our whole congregation was confused. Finally somebody said something about the date joke. Hopefully, they will also not say that joke by the Simanim (signs) on Rosh Hashana The vegan Kiddish had a lot of naysayers. I for one love zucchini in everything, including my cake. I think they even grunted when they hugged. It was so loud. Harvey Pintzkowitz is an abusive Anim Zemirot dad. If he ever learned to Daven, or if he learned to play basketball, he wouldn't force this on his kids. Those kids hog the Anim Zemirot. One of them even runs up to the ark, so no other family can join. Every Shabbis is like a Pintzkowitz Bar Mitzvah. I don’t know if the rabbi truly remembers the name of the shul. He calls it something else every time. It’s Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He likes adding in more 'S's. He feels like that is more Frum. All Lashon Hara is not Lashon Hara at our shul. They are all a bunch of Reshaim. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was in a very spiritual mood this year, as the rabbi leading the Seder was talking about his new hybrid vehicle that he was very proud of, which the shul paid for. These are the questions I had last night, which the community did not seem to appreciate. Especially when I called them in the middle of the night to ask about why there are no leaves on my tree in the front yard.
How many times do we have to sing ‘Jerusalem of Gold’ to fulfill the commandments of this holiday? Why are we singing words and not singing the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay'? Are we not religious? ‘Man is a tree of the field’ (Devarim 20:19)? Why is your dog by the tree right now? Adam comes from the same word “adamah,” which means earth? Are you serious? No. Really. Are you serious? Can somebody please pass another plastic knife and fork? They broke. Why do plastic forks and knives always break? Is that a Psik Reisha on Tu BShvat as well? Why did nobody at the Tu BShvat Seder understand that question? Why is everybody looking at me right now? Why are we using plastic? Does plastic celebrate trees? Are we not supposed to ask questions at the Seder? Did I show up to the wrong Seder? Who added this Seder where there are no questions? And why did I clean my house for this? Are we helping the environment? Why is my stomach killing? Do trees get stomach aches? The Talmud teaches that we should eat all the new fine fruit? Why do are we eating dried fruit? Is the dried fruit new? Yes. That is a new bag. Is it not? Did they dry the apricots yesterday? Should I feel bad? I saw some loquats in the shuk, and I didn’t buy them. Why do they charge so much for loquats when I want to be a good Jew? What are loquats? Why were they not dry? Should I go now? I think the shuk is still open. Why am I calling it the shuk? Is this not a Jewish holiday? It’s freezing outside. How do we get fresh fruit? Do oranges grow here? Should we be celebrating this now? It’s Rochester. Maybe we should wait till June, when we’re sure there won’t be more snow. Is the Prius the vehicle of Gd? Why did we have to push it out of the snow last week? Wait. Is this really a Jewish holiday? No. Really? Is this a Jewish holiday? Why did nobody at the Yeshiva mention it? Why does no religious Jew care about this holiday except for the people at our shul? Is it OK to care about trees as a Frum Jew? Is it religiously fine to care about people? Why did we not move to Israel, where this makes sense? Is it OK if I excuse myself again? Why is my stomach still killing? Really. Whose decision was it to use plastic? The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:91/25/2024
Law 9: Anthropomorphism: Don't be Gullible
Now that we have down the foundation of all knowledge, that we know nothing about Gd. With that knowledge, let us explain Gd. Law 9: The Torah uses physical terms to describe Gd. Gd's feet, hands, eyes and ears. Why is it there? If Gd doesn't have it, why do we attribute this to Gd? Why do not finish the full song with mouth and nose, and head, shoulder, knees and toes? There are many questions we have. None of them will be answered, because we know nothing about Gd. It's placed there as metaphor and examples, so we can understand. Since we are spiritually dumb, we need physical language to have some idea what's going on. Ask any Kabbalist living in Tzfat in the 16th century, you are an idiot. We're corporeal. No idea what that means. But it sounds sophisticated. H's hand is really not His hand. You can't slap H' five. This isn't high school. This isn't a baseball game with a high five. One thing I know about Gd. Always capitalize anything I write about Him. Why does it say (Shemot 24:10) 'Beneath His feet,' (31:18) 'Written by H"s finger.' (9:3) 'Gd's hand,' (Bereishit 38:7) 'Gd's eyes,' (Bamidbar 11:1) 'Gd's ears' and so on? I don't know. I hope that helps. Why do you insist on knowing all of this. To quote Shlomo: 'Are you trying to be better than me?!' This isn't a game. This is life. This is H'. And you think we're playing Mr. Potato Head. How did Gd write the tablets with His finger when He doesn't have one? Only Gd can do that. Gd and possibly my rabbi. Now I must be honest. I am very confused. I can tell you Shimon Simchovitz didn't write the Torah. I've seen his writing. Very poor penmanship. He couldn't even write a Mezuzah. Bigger question. Where does 'ibid.' come from? How does that mean 'same place'? If you can answer that, that is a knowledgeable human being. If you can spell knowledgeable without spellcheck, you're smart. How about these? (Devarim 32:41) 'I will sharpen my lightning sword.' What does that mean? Does H' have a sword? What's a lightning sword? It does sound cool though. Even The Legend of Zelda doesn't have a sword that cool. (Daniel 7:9) 'Clothed in snow white.' Who has clothes made out of snow? Snow shirts melt. And they don't keep you warm. Yet. H' has that. And why did they never give H' credit for Snow White? These are all very important questions. And we will not answer any of them, because we have no idea. And Moshe envisioned H' wrapped in a Tallit. Every morning, I envision myself getting smacked with the tassels of the Tallit the guy is wrapping next to me. A lot of defining about what we can’t define going on over here. Lesson: H' can't be understood or grasped by human thought. Therefore, we will keep trying to understand Him and learning Torah. We need the physical terminology because we're idiots. I'm going to get a drink with Gd right now. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Bo1/21/2024
Announcements
Rabbi Mendelchem will remain with our congregation. He went on some job interviews for other congregations this past week and noticed that their congregants are just as annoying as ours. The board would like to apologize for the rabbi’s beard. When he was hired it was much longer. We thought we were hiring a rabbi with four chin inches. We thought he was holy. Now we question him as our spiritual leader. We will be taking the rabbi's beard length to Beit Din for faulty sale. Aspirations are important. Our board aspires to find a new rabbi. No more new tunes for Lecha Dodi. Binyamin thinks he’s educating the congregation. It’s just annoying. Everybody likes the traditional Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune... And no more excitement from the Baal Tefillah. Excitement seems to manifest itself with loud table banging and shocked people with bad hearts. Our members don’t take well to excitement. Especially the older members. We’re asking members to greet each other. Hellos might help members feel wanted. Nobody in our shul is cool enough to avoid saying ‘Hello.’ Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... When it comes to worrying you run. You love to worry. When something goes wrong and you have something to worry about, that makes your day... Don't lie Fran. You love to worry. Almost as much as complaining... The best thing that happened to you is your car got stolen. That’s all you talked about for the next month. You run to insurance. You beg them to give you money. You worry about your money and will do anything for it. Like Paroh. When it comes to loss of land, Paroh rushes. Paroh is all of the sudden religious... You shouldn’t have bought a Kia. It's a plague. The locusts are in the fields killing the vegetation that ‘the hail left,’ (Shemot 10:16) ‘And Paroh rushes to call Moshe and Aharon, and he said, “I have sinned to H.”’ He became religious for a moment because he was worried. He worried about his money. The same way you worry about the Forte. The same way the board became religious when I asked for a raise. ‘But we are here serving Gd.’ You were here not giving me a raise. Sforno teaches that Paroh hurried because he was worried about permanent damage to the vegetation. He was worried about Egypt's ability to produce. Money... If you guys worried about the shul lawn, it wouldn’t be full of weeds... (10:18-20) The locusts are hurled towards the sea and Paroh’s heart is hardened by H’ and he doesn’t send out the Jews. When the monetary worry is gone, you have no reason to be religious or kind anymore. The board decided to not give me a raise, and they didn’t show up to shul today. A bunch of Parohs. They stop praying... If you all rushed for your spiritual needs. If you all rushed to wash Netilat Yadaim... The way you run, Bernie, somebody would get hurt. When it comes to money, you rush. When was the last time your ran to shul?When was the last time you said, 'Maybe they need me for a Minyin. I should head to Walmart to pick up some groceries'?... You rush out of shul, and I don't blame you. You want to run away from conversations with Felvel and Cindy Shprintza Leah... No. Don’t take credit for be annoying. The other shuls have annoying members. You are still annoying. You still have me questioning if it’s worth it to be Jewish if you have to be part of this congregation. You need a spiritual leader to ensure you understand to not be annoying. To understand your spiritual needs are just as important as your money. Which is why you should give your rabbi a raise... This is a legitimate beard. I measured it and it’s three inches from the chin. That is long. That is holy... By American standards that is holy... We are not in Israel. In Israel it's five inches from chin... You have aspirations to get a good job that makes money, and you run to that. Be a decent person. How about that for an aspiration? Do a decent Tu BShvat Seder. How about that for an aspiration? Don't bother your rabbi. How about that... You can’t even achieve that. Not one aspiration to do good for people and connect with H’. My beard was an aspiration at some point. Then I decided to aspire to be closer to Gd... Yes. You do need a beard for that... What spiritual aspirations do you have? You should run to achieve spiritual aspirations. You should run to not be like Bernie. You run to do good things. 'Zerizim Makdimin LMitzvot'... How should I know what that means?! The guy runs up to take the Amud and lead us in Davening... Has to be the Chazin. Runs to show off these new tunes... Nobody cares. Who are you Chezy?! Trying to educate us with your aspirations to be a Chazin... No. We don't want it. We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week. Another new tune for Kabalat Shabbat. 'Lecha Dodi.' That's the song. Now we have to sit through a guy who thinks he's educating us.... And your table hitting and jumping doesn’t help. You’re not an athlete. You don’t need to jump in shul. It’s not a basketball game... That’s not dancing. That’s jumping... That wasn’t a beat. You were hitting the table. Nobody in this shul is that holy, where they should be teaching other Jewish stuff... My beard is holy. Run to grow a beard and you might become more spiritual. You might start thinking less about your money... A raise is not money. A raise is to connect to Gd. Higher. Raise. You greet people. You run to greet people... No. It’s not cool to not say hi. It’s just uncomfortable to be here... I don’t like being the rabbi. The most exciting thing I can do in this shul is grow my beard. If you worry more about doing Mitzvahs and not your money. If you worried more about being kind... A raise would be nice. Rivka's Rundown Kia Fortes are a very valuable car to thieves in our town. We know, as the two members that parked them in the shul parking lot over Shabbis did not see their cars after Shabbis. Some in our shul say it was the Shabbat Queen who took it for a Melavah Malkah. The Kia Forte owners are getting really annoyed with the new spiritual members in our shul. The rabbi is going to stay with us. Those were the kindest words the rabbi ever said to our congregation. He wants to stay with us, because congregants at other shuls are also annoying. The board wants a beard from our rabbi. A longer beard. They should hire rabbis based on beard length. Each inch should be a 10k raise in salary. I do feel bad about the rabbi's beard length argument. And I do believe his shaving his beard to #1 on the clippers was called for, as food was constantly getting stuck somewhere in the thicket. However, he was hired for a longer beard length, and he has lost much respect since trimming it. It always comes down to a raise. If we gave the rabbi a raise, he would be fine. He would probably stop giving sermons. The idea of a raise being spiritual because it is higher. Only our rabbi could be so profound. The rabbi said Paroh was better than the shul board. At least Paroh took care of the land. The shul lawn does need some mowing weeding. They won't even pay for somebody to do that. We can't get anybody to volunteer to mow the lawn. That's a definite. Nobody is willing to do anything for the shul, unless if they get paid. If they get a long Mishebeyrach, they are also happy. I think they like doing long Mishebeyrach blessings for the family members in the middle of Davening because it bothers the rest of the congregation. To our membership, that is worth something. It is annoying when these people are all trying to achieve something nobody cares about. Now we have little Samantha trying to get into an Ivy League. Her parents said it's important to them she gets in. Otherwise, she won't learn to hate Jews. And now, these kids leading services. It has to stop. They do these new Lecha Dodi tunes, like it’s revolutionary. So now we have to sit through this new tune the guy heard at some Yeshiva in Israel. Something to a Eurovision melody. It's either a Eurovision song, or something that one of these new singers wrote, not realizing they were writing a Carlebach song that was already out there. These guys write these new Lecha Dodi songs with an Am chord, thinking they didn't hear it form Carlebach. Revolutionaries. The Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune is the best one. It’s been the best one for fifty years. And nobody needs to learn it, because it’s good. And then we have to deal with excitement shown in the form of jumping. If nobody else is excited about your tune, please don't jump. You're not going to sell it to me. If it's not Bum BaDa Bum Bum, you're not going to sell it to me. The most brilliant point I will ever make to the congregation. Here it is. 'We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week.' It's so annoying when these kids think they found a new great tune. They all sound like another Carlebach song. The rabbi is correct again. You greet people. It is uncomfortable coming to shul. You don’t know if you’re going to get a Shabbat Shalom or not. I think we are the most unfriendly place to be. I have stopped saying 'Shabbat Shalom,' because half the time I get no response. A greeting committee was formed, so that our members don't have to be nice every week. Niceness is now in a cycle. It was hard, but we got a couple of people to volunteer to be nice. Please know, our rabbi is a spiritual holy man. Due to the discussion, he did Teshuva. As he repented, he has added a minute to his Shema prayer for each inch of beard he has lost. Now, his Shema takes seven minutes. As they wait six and a half minutes for the rabbi to finish the Shema, the congregants are complaining even more now. The board voted towards the end of the week. They have decided that they don't want a spiritual rabbi. They also said that spiritual means the rabbi isn't found in his office very often. When the rabbi wasn't seen for a three days at shul, the president asked him what happened. The rabbi explained that he got caught up in the middle of a Shema. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people.
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. It is the Israeli Defense Forces You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt. I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.' I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours. I Studied Social Work My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem. Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts. I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble. I Get Scared When Israelis Talk The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs. I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with. My Hebrew is Bad Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty. Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts. I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself. Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift. I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on. Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target. I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal. Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally. Till then, Israel is a safer place. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIX1/16/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how David stops people from talking in shul, while he complains about Israeli boardgames and having to come home from Israel to mail, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about puzzles educating children about how a Shabbat table looks.
The no talking in shul bookmark. The most passive aggressive gift to give during Davening. I could’ve just smacked him. Instead, I reminded him that he was poor, single and sick because he was talking in shul. And all I needed to tell him that was a bookmark about being a good Jew... I walked over and kindly gave it to the guy during Chazaras HaShas. He then started a conversation with me, asking, ‘Why are you giving me a bookmark for my Siddur. Siddurs don’t need bookmarks'... To Note: This is the most useful item for people who talk in shul. It’s not always easy to find where the congregation is at, after a conversation during Shacharit.
'Let’s Dress Yoni.' How about we do that?! Why is Yoni never dressed? Is this a game or just not proper, immodest dress?... I think his parents are manipulating him. The sequel is called Let’s Tie Yoni’s shoes. The series continues with Let’s See Yoni Eat His Chicken and Let’s See Yoni Eat Vegetables Before He Gets Dessert. And the last in the series, Let’s See Yoni Pray the Shema and Go To Sleep While Not Disturbing His Parents.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaEira1/14/2024
Announcements
Since the Chanukah party, Mel has become addicted to gambling. Next year we won’t throw a Dreidel around a spinning thing with numbers that have pockets for the Dreidel to fall in. Why the Dreidel game needed a separate spinning wheel with 38 pockets is something we are still asking the Chanukah party committee about. Another winter car accident. Our members can’t even drive in summer. To keep the roads safe, we suggest our membership walk to shul. Appreciation Profile: We commend all of the children from our congregation who are in the Israeli army. We still see nothing positive in your parents. At least you bring a little Nachis and respect to your Mishpuchis. If your parents move to Israel we will respect them. No quoting the Torah if it's not a quote. Too many of our congregants are quoting Torah that is not Torah. This has been confusing many of our congregants who think anything said in Hebrew is word from Gd. To make for peace amongst our congregants, emails are not allowed anymore. When it’s in email form, you can’t take back capital letters. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Flock... Maybe we should have plagues... If we had plagues, you would act good for a day. You wouldn't abuse Jews... You abuse your rabbi. You’re like Paroh. When there are plagues you say, ‘I’m sorry H.”’ Plagues stop and you’re out there making Jews work with mortar... You asked for extra coleslaw at Kiddish. Ever make coleslaw? It’s the same thing... (Shemot 6:26-27) ‘This was the Aharon and Moshe... They were the ones who spoke to Paroh... this was the Moshe and Aharon.’ How many Moshe and Aharons were there in Egypt? It wasn’t like Sarah in our shul. Everybody is Sarah. I counted twenty... Did the community think there were no other Jewish names before Mark became a member? Did it take a new generation or somebody visiting New York to realize that just because you’re a Jew you don’t have to call your daughter Sarah?... 'This was the Aharon and Moshe.' The children of Yocheved and Amram. Genealogy is important when you accomplish something... Notice that Efraim’s parents never talk about him... We learned the genealogy of Aharon and Moshe and so now we say these are the guys. We see they come from good people... Ever heard people say, ‘I’m from Topeka.’ ‘I’m from Beis KNesses Anshei Emes uSefilah’? No... Exactly. Because of Bernie... Maybe it was a popular name. Look at our shul. Fifteen Moshes... ‘This was the Moshe.’ It wasn’t Moshe Pinkowitz. Pinky wasn’t the Moshe that got the Jews out of Egypt. That should be clear... You don't have Pinky freeing our people. Going over to Paroh and saying, 'I think we need a bigger Kiddish'... Always complaining... Why Aharon first and then Moshe first??? Not everything is a competition. Chazal teach us that both were equally great, so you mention one first... Nobody ever mentioned Efraim first. Even during roll call his teachers never called him first. Last name is Aaronovitz... I don’t know why Eli always gets to the lollypops first. He might be better than the other kids... When it comes to Bar Mitzvah candy throwing, Eli is a beast. He takes down the other kids... I know he’s twenty. He’s still a kid... When are you too old to dive on the floor for candies in shul?! Never. Exactly... Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that Aharon reached his potential. Reaching your potential is what makes you great.... Eli jumping on the floor and taking down other kids for candy is his potential... And our shul just stops people from reaching their potential. Stopping Eli from getting some Sunkist jelly circles. Who brought the roulette wheel? That wasn’t Dreidel... That was a scam. The Dreidel didn’t even move. The shul took 90% on the winnings. And that wasn't even dues. Now we have addicts, chasing their losses... That's why people haven't been back. They don't have enough money to gamble at shul... Whatever our congregants do just causes harm to others. Even driving. I'm afraid to leave the parking lot. The way Bernie backs up with his eyes on his steering wheel... You look at other cars. You look to see if there are people... H' created the laws of Shabbat so that our membership wouldn't drive. The laws of Shabbat saves lives... The Moshe and Aharons of our shul. The Elis of our shul. That is who we look to right now. We commend all the kids who’ve done the Israeli army. They’re bright. They’re courageous. They're smart. They left this congregation... I think the board is trying to get some of the people to move out of the congregation. The announcement of appreciation and respect for our children who went off to serve our people turned into a spite of their parents. You’re not quoting Torah... 'It says in the Torah that you should make money.' Where did you get that from? Where does it say that... Because you said it's in the Torah doesn't mean it's in the Torah... The Torah does say I should get a raise, so that your rabbi can reach his potential. 'VaYomer HaRav LGabaim SheHeim Loh Bseder. vKoolam Sonim Otam.' Torah... It's about potential. And being there to help others reach their potential. That's how you lead. Not through emails. No emails is Torah. Everything you write is nasty... And no social media either... Because you looks stupid... Your emails are just mean... If that’s not the tone, then why are you capitalizing everything... Take it off of caps lock and you will look nicer. Your whole Kiddish complaint to the board was with caps. If you didn't use caps, we'd look at your genealogy... That's what it is Pinky. If there was a plague, you wouldn't write emails for a day. Rivka's Rundown There are a lot of converts in our congregation. They named their daughters after their mothers. Then the men were all named Moshe. No idea why. Just lack of creativity and Torah knowledge. Then Mark joined the shul and people started thinking you can name Jews in English. Now we have Tyler as a member. Named Tyler at his Bris. The rabbi decided that gambling fundraisers are still gambling. The president argued with the rabbi, then took back ten thousand dollars of the rabbi's salary and said, 'That's ten thousand the shul lost in chips.' We had Gamblers Anonymous meetings in our shul. Those stopped when all the members were trying to figure out why we're not a church. It all started with Chanukah. The whole shul is now addicted to slot machines. Last week, the rabbi had to go to the casino to give a Halacha class. It was a beautiful teaching about chasing your kids in shul instead of chasing your losses. Winter driving in our town is dangerous. No snow. People just can’t drive. The suggestion of members walking to shul had nothing to do with keeping Shabbat. Though, as the rabbi said, 'Keeping H"s laws of Shabbat saves lives. At least of the other people on road.' Such a beautiful job of working the Israeli soldiers into the sermon. The rabbi has been doing that lately. It makes it all more meaningful during this time. Letting the congregants know how they have not helped the nation at all is a great lesson that touches the heart of the congregation. I think the one good thing about many of our children joining the Israeli army, according to our rabbi, is that they’ve left our community, and that is smart. Our membership is notorious for fake Torah sources. One was when Mark argued that Mark is a name found in Deuteronomy. He argued it by saying 'Devarim.' The argument went, 'There is Shlomo HaMelech, Noach, and Mark. Mark in Devarim.' And they all use a Hebrew word and think they've won a Halachik conversation. I belive she said, 'And you can't do Hotza'ah of a Siddur...' What does that mean? Just because you used Hebrew doesn't make it a Jewish law. I think she didn't want somebody else using the Artscroll Siddur she has branded as hers. The rabbi used the term Chazal, meaning our teachers or something, which means he didn't know who said it. But everybody considered it law. It was in Hebrew. They say nasty stuff in their emails. Emails are worse than social media. If we interacted through our email talk, we would all be like Bernie and Max talking. A lot of anger and arguing about everything. Now nobody in the congregation likes anybody. It’s all emails. If we stick with emails less people will show up to shul. In upcoming sermons, I am guessing the rabbi is going to start talking about how people should only interact through emails. Coleslaw is hard to make. It’s back breaking if you don’t buy the pre-cut vegetables. Why nobody in our shul purchased the diced slaw makes no sense. I agree with the rabbi. If they made them do the extra work, that’s Parohesque. To have to cut the slaw is a Paroh thing. Our rabbi hits it right on the nose every time. Nose hitting would be a good plague. Only way things in our shul work out is if there is a crisis. I think that a plague would get everybody in line. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:7-81/11/2024
Laws 7-8: Oneness Can't Be Defined - So We Shall Define It
Law 7: There is only One. As it says in the Torah, (Devarim 6:4) 'H" is our Gd, H" is One.' That is another commandment. Third one in this chapter. Three commandments for a belief that we cannot believe in more than once. That is a lot of expression of one belief, that there is One. One Gd. How many gods do you need? Are there not enough Mitzvahs as there is?! We don't need more commandments. The Torah is good. Anything more than One would mean physical and that means an end. That means a board is getting involved and there are committees, and religion dies. I hope that doesn't offend you. H' is not offended. H' doesn’t have feelings, for that would mean change, and that is physical. Point is that this is very confusing. H' has no body. Hence, anything dealing with bodies is not relevant to Gd. H' is not limited or defined. Gd is simply one. Therefore, we can't describe Gd. Now I am confused, and trying to figure out why we are defining something that can't be defined. This feels a bit like math. As it teaches in the Shema, (Devarim 6:4) 'Hear oh Israel, H' is our Lord H' is One.' That's it. H' is one and there are a lot of Mitzvahs about it. Law 8: H' has no body, as H' is the 'Lord in the heavens above and earth below' (Devarim 4:39). A physical being can't be in two places at once. How my parents knew when I misbehaved in school is still an anomaly. And H' resembles nothing else. Physical beings resemble other things. That cannot happen when there is oneness. H' doesn't have a doppelganger. Nobody has ever posted a Gd lookalike on Instagram. Only selfies. Anybody who thinks they're posting a Gd doppelganger is probably posting Charlton Heston. Charlton was Moses. (Isaiah 40:25) 'To whom can you liken Me and that I will be equal.' Something with a body has equals. And H' doesn't have an ego. He's not showing off here. If Deion Sanders was saying that he has no equal, that would be egotistical. I didn't learn the rest of Isaiah. Too many chapters. Why do we not see H'? If we would've seen Gd at Har Sinai, we would've started making idols (Devarim 4:15-16). We would've got all high on ourselves and started making gods. Physical beings like Play-Doh too much. Why do you need H' to be physical? Do you have a need to go drinking with Him?! I am confused. Who is my doppelganger? Without these beliefs in Gd, it would appear that we would be following subjective laws, and there would not be a ‘Truth.' I have met many people, and I can say that I would not want them making up laws. We all see what happened in the Knesset over the past 75 some-odd years. How the Jerusalem municipality can put a stop on my bank account for not paying somebody else's Arnona... only a finite being can come up with a law like that. Want to talk about why there is no decent park in my neighborhood? Somebody in the city made that decision. Some fool who is probably printing Silly Putty on a newspaper right now. Lesson: The real idea being expressed is that us finite beings are idiots. The foundation of all knowledge is to know that you are not that smart. Because we are not that clever, the Torah commands us to believe in Gd, in three ways. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you. Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me. I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back. Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway. I am Out of Shape After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz. If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. I Would Look Like a Reservist I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more. When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance. Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with. Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic. Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander. I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat. Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments I am old. All I do is express my political opinions. I am American Born of Very European White Tint Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine. I am American You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started. I Don’t Smoke The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running. Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign. I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause. There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures. Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shemot1/7/2024
Announcements
We are sorry for the handouts reading ‘5783’ until now. We’re glad our board finally caught onto the year 5784 with the New Year of 2024. A bunch of Apikorsim. Now that it’s New Years, maybe they’ll do Teshuva. Shimon has taken off eight pounds over the past three months, thanks to Shacharit. He wants everybody to know how much he appreciates the aisle. To quote: ‘The space makes it more comfortable to get in my steps. While I’m pacing, I don’t bump into anybody bowing.’ The coffee and cookies are there for after services during the week. Not for a meal at your seat in shul. The rabbi has reported too many people bringing coffee and cake into services. The spills have cost the shul much in carpet repairs. The rabbi wants to apologize for bringing up the Kashrut conversation. The pizza shop won’t have a Hashgacha. So there won’t be arguments. The Botox is too much. Our congregants look scary. Children are crying. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Moshe, the great prophet who H’ chose to be the catalyst for our redemption from slavery. Nothing to do with Moshe Yisraelav who’s just an annoying community member who likes to complain. No redemption. Just complaints... The redemption starts with compassion. (Shemot 2:6) Paroh’s daughter went down to the river, and when she opened up the basket and saw the baby crying, ‘She took pity on him.’ She had compassion. Not like the sisterhood who sees kids taking extra cookies... You take it off their plates and they start crying. You cause the crying. This leads to a life of Moshe growing up as her son... The movie shows he’s her son... Pasuk 10 says he’s her son.... It wasn’t just Paroh’s daughter’s compassion. It was Miriam, Moshe’s sister, who didn’t take her eyes off him (2:4) to see what would happen to him... She didn't just watch like it was a movie. She didn't just stand there and say, 'That's it,' like when your kid is running in the halls with the pastry platter... You see nothing. You can’t even keep your kids away from the Kiddish. We get no cookies. They take them all... Then watch your children. You don’t watch your kids in the halls. Running around all of Davening. Yelling... We all hear it... Then watch your children. Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?!!! Where are the parents. Does she have a parent?! Does this child have a parent?!... Family has to take responsibility. Miriam took responsibility. Miriam would've never let Moshe take all of the Kichel. The sisterhood should start their smack patrol... Because you don't parent. And she saw to it that he was fed by a Jewish woman. Redemption is birthed in compassion. There was no board at the river. No Michael as president... Why are you pacing? It’s a sermon... Shimon. The point in Shacharit isn’t to get in your steps. It’s an aisle. It’s not a track. Does Shimon have a parent?! Mrs. Feigelbaum. Why do you have cake with you... It's shul. It's Davening... I understand you're worried about the kids getting all of the bundt cake. But you have put on five dress sizes since you started coming to shul... It's the eating during services... Shimon is annoying too. But he's taking off weight with his Shacharit walking group... You’re not going to take off weight eating cookies and cake during services... The chair is not a coffee table. And you spill... Because it’s not a table. Your stuff falls off... We’re talking about catalysts. Catalysts for redemption. Not Botox... No. The Botox does not make you look better. It is horrendous. Nobody. No face has ever been redeemed from Botox. Let me repeat. Compassion takes involvement. His sister ensured Moshe drank the milk of a Jewish woman... This isn't a Kosher conversation. Your involvement in Kosher is annoying. No more Kosher conversations. You guys go off on it, as if you’re running the OU. You argue about Kosher. Do you keep it?! Compassion and responsibility. Keeping Kosher and not arguing about it. Fear of Gd and not Botox. (Shemot 1:21) And because they feared Gd, He made them houses. H' didn't commend them for wasting money on Botox with houses... Compassion on the children who are crying more from Botox than missing out Danish. Compassion brought about by fear of Gd is what houses are made from... There is no compassion here. There's no fear of Gd. Just Botox... The midwives, Yocheved and Miriam, had compassion. They didn’t kill the Jewish baby boys... You're stopping them from taking platters of Danish and rugulach seems to be killing them, Mrs. Feigelbaum. As we have seen, saving Jewish babies takes compassion in Middle Eastern culture. Because of that compassion (1:20) ‘the people increased and became very strong.’ May we be Zoyche to merit compassion in our world. It won't come from the board... They don't even know what year it is... No. It's not 2024. Fools. It's 5784. Rivka's Rundown The sisterhood takes the food off the kids' plates. They're right. The kids take too much. Sometimes it's just two kids who take the rugulach platters. They even take before Kiddish. And Mrs. Feigelbaum, with nothing to eat, is stuck trying to figure out what to do during the cantor's repetition of the Amidah. I've given up on eating any of the Kiddish cakes. By the time I get there, it's empty. And I am not about to go to the kids' table to get my pastries. The kids are just disgusting. They're filthy. I don't even think the parents shower these kids. And then they probably rub their hands in the Danish. We should designate the kids table as the pastry table. All of the cakes, cookies and rugulach end up there. The parents do nothing. MidSermon the kid was on the rabbi’s leg. One kid tackled Mrs. Feigelbaum for a chocolate chip cookie during Torah reading. The sisterhood wants to start a smack patrol to parent the children. I’m all for it. Somebody has to parent the children for the parents, so I can start eating chocolate Danish again. Shimon can’t stand still for a second. He was walking around the whole rabbi’s sermon. The rabbi had to make it clear that there was no need for anybody to be walking around, as it was not an appeal. The only appeal was for Shimon to sit. Shimon has signed up people for his morning walking group in shul. I show up and it feels like Simchat Torah. They just pace around the shul. One of the members insisted they carry the Torah, daily. He said, 'It is better than ankle weights. You get a great core workout as well.' It's not right to blame Mrs. Feigelbaum for everything. The men's section is full of spills all over the carpet. These guys come to Davening to eat. It’s like their Dunkin Donuts break from work. The chairs at Dunkin Donuts are not comfortable enough for them. They congregants think they look better with the injections. They look scarier with the Botox. Rafi, with his new lips is too much. My niece ran, screaming, ‘I’m being attacked by a rubber lips.' You bring up Kosher and everybody has their stories. It is so annoying to sit there for hours listening to all the complaints. The only real story is the one about the guy getting killed for saying something wasn't Kosher. Our congregants have taken that lesson to heart. You say something isn't Kosher and you're risking death. Which is why most of them eat regularly at Wendy's. People killing babies on purpose and chopping off heads is acceptable nowadays if it's against Israel. I think that was the rabbi's point at the end. That was the first time the rabbi didn't blame our shul for something. The rabbi saying that compassion takes involvement was the worst idea ever. Now, the shul has twelve new committees. A lot of involvement by annoying people who want more pastry at Kiddish. The rabbi was hoping they would start a committee to give him a raise. It turns out that none of the members of the shul are that compassionate. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Frum tourist. That’s the look... baseball hat, shorts and Tzitzis out. Next vacation we will be sporting the Frumer tourist look of black pants, a polo shirt and a baseball hat.
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3/10/2024
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