The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
This year we will focus on Maggid. Maggid is the story part of the Seder. Prepare to spend three and a half hours on these eight pages of Hebrew. Drink more wine if you can. You are about to do the second cup. If you need to, add another couple. It will help you get through having to listen to everybody share their thoughts on four sons, while they still don't understand Hebrew.
We begin the recounting of the story part of the Seder with the beautiful idea of inviting all the needy people to the table and making sure that none of them showed up. Now that we are sure no homeless people are joining us, we can enjoy ourselves and start. Mah Nishtana The four questions of the Seder, asked in song form by the children who are too scared to perform in public. This is done to make sure they are learning something at Jewish day school. If they can sing the Mah Nishtana, the twenty three thousand dollars on Jewish education is worth it. If they can’t pull it, it's going to be a long night of disappointment for that child. The pride on the American parent’s face when they hear their child singing Hebrew lyrics they don’t understand is priceless; at least worth twenty three thousand dollars. They ask questions like, 'Why the salt water?' 'Why are we leaning?' 'Why only Matzah tonight?' We don’t answer the questions. Instead, we talk about going out of Egypt for three and a half hours. It’s the longest answer to any question. And we say nothing about Egyptians drinking salt water, and we don't answer the question. This will hopefully help to encourage the children to never ask questions again. I make it a point to answer the questions. I believe I had to tell my niece, 'Why do we only eat Matzah? You idiot. It's Pesach!' Questions That May Come Up During the Seder Other questions will be asked by adults, which are not in the Haggadah. There are only supposed to be four questions, but more questions arise. For example, 'We’ve been here for two and a half hours. Why are we not eating yet?' 'You know I am hungry, so why are you teasing me with parsley?' Half hour later, 'For some reason, I am still hungry. Why on all other nights do we eat and not have to listen to everybody share their thoughts on rabbis who already share their thoughts, before dinner? Yes. I ask again.' One question I will be asking after 10:30pm is 'Why are these kids still up?' It's good they left the adult questions out of the Haggadah. Slavery Now we talk about slavery. We are going to be talking about slavery the rest of the night. Then, we are going to eat brisket, because that’s what slaves ate. If they were given a choice, they would’ve eaten brisket. Different cultures have different traditions for expressing slavery. This is your time to be creative. I have been to Seders where people whip family members with scallions. I am not sure if the Egyptians used scallions or not. Nonetheless, hurting siblings with vegetables makes for much family joy. There are so many ways to make servitude and captivity fun. It’s amazing how enslavement can bring a family together for some good laughs. My dad A"H did the parsley Caesar shtick, where he put parsley in his ears and then we would eat it. So much fun can be had with enslavement. Now that we had a bit of fun, let us read Hebrew. The Rabbis Who Stayed Up All Night A beautiful story, where the students have to come to their rabbis to tell them that the time for the morning prayer of the Kriyat Shema has come. The students would’ve been sleeping, but the rabbis kept them up, talking about the leaving of Egypt all night. We tell this story now to squash any complaints about the Seder taking too long. The rabbis talked about it all night, you can sit and hear other people’s thoughts on the Mah Nishtana for a couple of hours. 'Is everybody going to share a Dvar Torah? Why did they wait till tonight to share all of their thoughts? I never heard them talk before. Are we supposed to go longer than the rabbis?' Four Sons The four different types of sons gives all at the table the chance to be a psychologist. For the next hour and forty-five minutes, you will discuss the difference between the wise and simple son, and why Pinny had to stay back in fourth grade, and still doesn’t have the ability to sing the Mah Nishtana. A great chance for family therapy, you can also discuss why somebody would use scallions in such a violent manner. Choosing who is which son always makes for good times. For example, if you want a good joke, you just say, 'John, you are the evil son.' Everybody gets a good laugh out of this, looking at John, the now evil son who nobody likes. 'How do all of the people that don't understand what we just read have something to say about it?' Choosing Your Four Sons Dvar Torah Speech Get in all of your thoughts now. After the four sons, people realize that their accounting degree doesn’t give them much of a base for analysis of the human psyche and the Seder starts to move. You want to be smart too. How do you do this? Connect anything with four to the four sons. You can say it’s the four seasons. That sounds thought provoking. The son who doesn't know how to ask represents spring. Beautiful. Anything four works. Four continents. Forget about the other three. Nobody cares about Antarctica. Judge your Seder correctly. If your nonFrum cousins show, say something about four daughters and you will be loved. If you have very Frum family relatives, say something about how women do not have the right to learn Torah. Just a note of help to move the family past uncomfortable conversations about women, men and an orange. You will have time to discuss how messed up your family is with your spouse later. I am just hoping that at next year’s Seder there will be a son who doesn’t know how to ask questions, so it will move quicker. Deep Talk of Redemption Now we read stuff that nobody understands for a while, about being redeemed. Nobody tries too hard to understand this, because hearing more opinions about people’s connection to the four sons would bring up thoughts of slavery again. The Ten plagues What Seder is complete without death of the firstborns?! To aid in more interactivity with this part of the meal, you want to bring out different items that exemplify the different plagues. Frogs can be those plastic jumping things where you push down on the back. Lice can be my niece that just got back from nursery school. For hail, you can bring out a wiffle ball. This will have the kids asking, 'How is a wiffle ball, hail?' Be careful with what you choose for hail. Last year we used Styrofoam balls. That got all over the food; an extra plague we created at our meal, trying get the Styrofoam balls out of the Charoset thick applesaucie substance. Proof Jews played pickleball in Mitzrayim. Blood can be represented by food coloring, or anything else that a child can use to stain their shirt, your shirt and the table cloth. Then we read the acronym for plagues, just in case Egyptians understand Hebrew. We don’t want them finding out about this. Now We Praise Gd Now that all the speeches, questions that were said in Hebrew that were not understood and analysis of the four sons that were also not understood are finished, and we are allowed to eat, we praise Gd for the end of bondage. And don't worry. Things will go back to normal at 3am. After the Seder pretentious erudite conversation will stop. People will forget about their scholarly work they vowed to propose for their dissertation about four sons eating oranges full of hail. And the wine will wear off. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tazria4/14/2024
Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them. We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching. We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz. We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt. We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure... The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara... What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei? (Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.' If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section... That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup. (Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure. White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei. How do we separate. Separation done properly... Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis... You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night. I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation. If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise... Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling. A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids. It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder... Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation. The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach... There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool... We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be. The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win... You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about. And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice... Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham. Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.' The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading. I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant. Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint. The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey. Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety. The kids are loud at shul. I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi. They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy. Max does page ruffle too. He's loud. Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz. The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning. Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it. A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible. Do Not Eat the Sprays Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine. Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry. Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah. Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles. You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it. Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue. ‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches. Strong Sprays for Grease Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it. Other Uses for Shpritz If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see offensive costumes and how David is afraid to support Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Davening in a Minyin and the chance to do Mitzvahs like eating Matzah.
Why do you go to Kosher restaurants? I go to catch Minyin. I got to baseball games, weddings, and take flights for Maariv... I believe that Minyin ruined the five-star reputation of that restaurant. Kaddish kind of killed the forshpeis for that group of girls. And I don’t know if the guy was expecting to hear he was the tenth in the middle of his soup course.
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemini4/5/2024
Announcements
Please hold off on telling people you are in shul when you answer a call in shul. We all know you are answering the phone in shul. Our congregants are not friendly. If anybody fist bumps you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They’re trying to do Kiruv on you. If they smile or say ‘Shalom’ to you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They would not say 'Hello' to you if they knew you. We suggest you run from your home now. We’ve seen how not dirty some of you keep the shul. We do not believe that any of you will be able to make your home Kosher for Pesach. We ask people to sing Lecha Dodi with normal voices. We have no idea why everybody started singing in a high pitch harmony last Shabbat. Contemporary Halacha: This Tuesday Shiur on how to sing like a normal person and not Pinny, and how to clean your home for Pesach. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 9:22-24) Sfas Emes teaches that Aharon had a desire to bless the people after completing his first day of service... For some reason I have not felt that since becoming the Mora DAsra of this congregation... All you do is curse Max. Under your breath, you curse. We all know it’s a curse. When you say, ‘This piece of...’ It’s not a piece of a sacrifice... Nobody in our shul makes a decent piece of brisket. You're not requesting a dinner from our membership that can't cook. I have never been to a dinner at a congregant's home and felt a desire to bless... I still do Birkat Hamazon. (Vayikra 9:24) The people saw the fire that came down on the Altar and consume the elevation-offering and the fats. ‘The people saw and they sang joyous song and fell upon their faces.’ They were elated. Kind of like when Magic Johnson won the NBA title in 1987. And they sang good songs. There is nothing joyous about singing in this congregation... They had decent voices, Pinny. You can't serve Gd as a nation with really bad voices, cursing out everybody in the congregation... Because it's not joyous, Bernie. Even your singing sounds like a curse. It is a curse!!! When you sing, the last thing I want to do is bless... (Vayikra 10:1) Nadav and Avihu are killed for bringing an ‘alien fire’... Hearing the people of our shul sing is like a foreign sacrifice. Your singing is an unwanted service... This has nothing to do with illegal immigrants. Why you go there with every sermon I give now. Last time I was talking about cleaning for Pesach and you said I was offensive to illegal immigrants... I said nothing about immigration... You being on your phone is not what they would’ve done. You can't sing on the phone... Stop. You were on the phone. You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said, ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you had a conversation... Yes. We all heard. You were five times louder than you are when you say 'Amen.' You have more Kavanah answering your phone... I know it’s a phone. You don’t have to speak louder. Yelling doesn't help them hear you more five hundred miles away... You said, 'I am in shul right now.' You even said, 'I can't talk.' But you were talking. Exactly. And the rest of the congregation thought you were doing harmony... Because you sounded better than them... Serve H' correctly, with joy, without Bernie or Pinny singing, or Max talking on the phone, and people will want to join our congregation. People will want to praise H'. What’s with the fist bump? The kid is not going to be religious... Nobody serves H' with a fist bump. You don't pound it for Gd... You’re not cool. You’re fifty-six. We shake hands in shul. COVID ended... Stop. You’re the least friendly person I have ever met. And then you start giving fist bumps. People can see right through the fist. Stop pounding... Nothing brings togetherness here. Even the singing separates people here. It makes people not want to pray. And why all the high pitch singing... There is no melody. You’re harmonizing. The whole shul is like an amalgamation of the Bee Gees and Aaron Neville... His brothers sung melody. And please clean up the shul... Go away for Pesach. The dirt... I try to find some goodness. (Vayikra 10:3) Comforting Aharon Moshe tells him what H’ said: ‘I will be sanctified with those that are close to me. and I will be honored before the entire people.' How that comforted Aharon after his sons died. I don’t know. I do know that we should get rid of our congregants. That would sanctify H’. Rivka's Rundown Even when Max says ‘Hi’ it sounds like he’s cursing me. I might just be taking his Chuching the wrong way. He just talks on the phone in the middle of services, like it’s fine. Then he shushes people for talking. He thinks people don’t hear him on the other side of the phone. He talks so loud. It’s like he feels that since they’re on the other side of the country and really far, he has to yell. I think he has gotten to the point where he can't hear very well. That's why old people offend other people. They're thoughts are real loud, but they don't hear them. They think it's coming out in a thought and it's a loud yell with a Chuch for exclamation. Everything the rabbi says now is considered racist. He said we should have more fruit at Kiddish and people said that's against illegal aliens. I can’t believe the rabbi said COVID ended. That offended people more than the racism of saying people have to clean for Pesach. Truth is the fist bump is getting annoying. They pound people, thinking it's cool and that they will want to be Frum, because a a sixty-year-old with a long beard pounded. Some of the eighty-year-olds have no control. They end up hitting people. It’s amazing how strong they still are. I think the rabbi just wanted to not see congregants on Pesach. It had nothing to do with them having dirty homes. I don’t know what it is with the high pitch in our shul. They all think they're in Miami Boys Choir. I hear the singing and I start thinking about cursing. I am cursing under my breath. I can't wait till I get older and curse louder. I think the cleaning your home for Pesach is just an adjunct to the class. The Halach part is about how to sing like a normal person. That is truthfully what bothers the rabbi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:104/4/2024
Laws 10: Even Moshe Doesn't Get to See Everything
And you ask H' to let you know what you're supposed to do in this world. You ask H' to tell you the meaning of life. You ask H' to help you make sense of it. Chutzpah. Law 10: Moshe wants to see H'. Yet, Moshe only gets to see H's back (Shemot 33:23). H' tells him that 'there isn't within the knowledge of man that lives that is connected to a body and Nefesh to achieve the truth of this matter about his Creator.' And Moshe was finally put in his place. It's important to know that you will never truly know. Which is why we study. This is why we learn Torah. As a physical being, we are bound. We are limited to sports, an Amazon Prime series and having to hear Bernie cough up a phlegm wad in the middle of Davening. Nobody can fully understand H'. So, Moshe only sees H's body. But Moshe doesn't really see H's body, because Gd doesn't have a body. Chacha'ah!!! You can tell a lot from a body. I go to shul and I see many out of shape people. I know the membership is not hitting the gym. And those that go to the gym are having conversations about why one should not work so hard. Based on the bodies I see at shul, I can see the membership takes Shabbis very seriously. Not one of them skips Shalishudis. I am sure H' would be in better shape than the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. It might be the portly suits. Portly suits make you look portly. 'Show me your Kavod' (Shemot 33:18). He wanted to know the foundations of Gd, until he knew it in his heart, like somebody knows something that he sees in his heart, such as knowing a person 'separate in his knowledge from all other people.' H' is not separate. So, how can Moshe know Gd as separate? Again, I will never truly know. But he wanted to know. I remember wanting to know about astronomy and physics. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to understand the foundations of the makeup of our universe. Then my professor said, 'You have to study.' It was at that moment, I realized I would never know. Moshe was asking for a lot. I remember once asking my dad for the car. Moshe gets to see Gd's back. That's a big thing right there. Give him that. Moshe, a physical human being, wanted a physical relationship with Gd. Gd can only be related to in a non-physical, possibly spiritual way. Which is what I tell the shul when they ask me to pay dues. Our relationship is one of the Neshama, the soul, and money is physical. Or, is the Torah teaching us that through our physical connection in this world, we can at least see a part of Gd. We can maybe see Gd's image, or some out of shape guy in shul in a portly suit coughing over the Babka. A little Chidish for you. Chidish means that somebody had a thought and was too lazy to find a source to back it up. Lesson: You can ask, but you may not get. You can ask for a car, but you may just get a unicycle for your sixteenth birthday. I don't know if I was being told to join the circus, which is kind of like telling somebody to run away. You don't get everything you ask for. If somebody can please tell that to my nephew. Maybe just tell him his uncle gives bad gifts and get it over with. Next time I'm giving the kid a dollar. I am still trying to figure out what Nefesh means. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
After spending the wedding without a plus one, as you must sit alone like a loser as a single person at a Frum wedding, they start giving speeches that you have to hear. This is called the Sheva Brachot.
The Sheva Brachot are seven days after the wedding where we celebrate the Chatan and Kallah (groom and bride) by telling them how much better they are, to let single people know they're not wanted. They give speeches to remind you, you were never married. Here are some speeches given at every Sheva Bracha to remind you you’re a loser. The Half Person Speech 'Before you met you were not people. Now, that you're married, you're a whole, a person.' And then everybody looks at the single loser sitting there, trying to figure out if they're actually a person or not. Discourse ensues and the Maskana agreed upon is that the single loser is not a Halachik person. And then the single person goes home, watches Jerry Maguire and feels worse. You Need Man and Woman 'Without both man and woman there is no Gd. You take out the letter 'Yud' (י) from man and the 'Hey' (ה) from woman and you have a single person with no hope. A heretic who Gd doesn't love.' I think that is how the speech goes. 'Single people are pointless and they have no connection to Gd. They can't.' They added that part for emphasis. The You Weren't Happy Speech Big Sheva Brachot, this one begins with how the 'Chatan and Kallah were not happy. Then they met.' They go on about how both the Chatan and Kallah had a hard time in elementary school, as they were not married yet. Fifth grade recess had them questioning their Yiddishkeit as a single Yid. The forty-year-old single is sitting there in agreement, smiling. Years later, at around the time of the divorce, this speech turns into, 'You were happy, then you met.' You Were A Bachur 'Now you're a man... You get married, you are now a man and a woman.' They want to make it clear that the single forty-year-old is a child and the eighteen-year-old who just got married is a man. The girl is now a woman, and the forty-three-year-old single lady sitting at the end of the table who just got rejected by another Frum guy last week is a little girl. Bayit Ne'eman That is the goal. A house of believers. 'You should merit to build a Bayit Ne'eman in Israel,' which is the Five Towns. Then the single person goes home and questions their faith. There Was a Fifty-Year-Old I Knew This is a speech given to the single person at the table, as somebody empathizes. They see you all alone and they don't want you to give up hope, now that you're a forty-three-year-old single child and your eighteen-year-old niece is a grownup. So, they lean over and tell you a story about a fifty-year-old they knew that was down and out, depressed, alone, no hope, like you. 'Then a Shadchan called and told them they have no hope unless if they meet this guy. An eighty-year-old Bachur. And they met and she is happily married.' Finally, at fifty, this loser of a child got married. The twelfth marriage to this eighty-year-old. 'And it can happen to you. You never know.' They always end with 'you never know,' to give you hope that even somebody as pathetic as you has a chance. 'Miracles happen. Nissim.' Message: Don’t give up. I knew an eighty-year-old who got married. Lesson: Empathy is the most offensive thing that ever happened to me. And then he gave me a deck of cards to play Solitaire. And then you have to pay $1,200 dues at the shul where the family membership is $1,500. 1,200 for the single, and 1,500 for the family of eight. Then they give the speech about how she is always right. I don't know how that is supposed to offend single people. At least it gives a married guy a chance to get out his anger about having no say in his house. I hope this helps prepare your single fifty-year-old cousin for the next Sheva Brachot. This and schnapps should help. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke III: Tzav4/1/2024
Announcements
Matzah orders must be in this week. It is only ninety dollars a pound. To note, we have checked and the government said that Matzah cannot be used as a tax write-off. Please be careful when backing up from your Amidah. We understand you are taking three steps back, but please look out for other members of the congregation. Cheryl got injured last week due to Samantha’s Kavanah and spiritual connection to Gd. The shul is planting trees in Israel, if you trust the Jewish National Fund to not steal your money. We ask our congregants to keep down the Bsamim cloves shaking when we’re not doing a musical Havdalah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Get Annoyed by Bernie. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara About Bernie Though He’s Annoying. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 6:21) ‘And an earthenware vessel that it was cooked in shall be broken. And if it was cooked in a copper vessel, that should be purged (in fire) and rinsed in water’... You should clean your plates anyways. They’re disgusting... It’s not Biblical to call it pottery. Earthenware is more Biblical. Gd commands Earthenware... It's stuff from earth. That's why it's called earthenware... It's not clothes. Mark said it's pottery... If it absorbs Holy blood from an offering, it is also not Kosher for you to eat from it. It must be Kashered, just as if it touched non-Kosher food. Like anything in your kitchen. Your kitchen is so Treif... If you touch it, it’s Treif. Michel. Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it... You can’t Kasher pottery... Earthenware is pottery. I don’t know why. But you have to break it... I have seen what you made in pottery class. It's horrible. That should be broken. You should’ve broke it before pig touched it... Pesach is coming. Break everything... We have to make stuff is Kosher. We’re going to have to have a class on Kashering. I hope you have enough time to purchase new utensils... A bunch of Apikorsim here. I just suggest you buy new kitchens. Then it might be Kosher for Pesach for a day... Then you buy new vessels. That’s what it takes to be Kosher. Money and eight sets of dishes. Three sinks, plus two for Passover. Extra meat funds. If you want to be Kosher... You can’t be cheap when it comes to your religion. Matzah is ninety dollars a pound. If it’s between day school and Matzah, you go with Matzah... Yes. The orders have to be in this week. You can't order the Matzah on Pesach... Because we are ordering it this week. The order has to be in when the order is done... If this congregation was a vessel, it broke... You break people. You injure them with your Davening. Your backing up from your prayer is dangerous. Did you pray for a Refuah? Did you pray for health?... Well you injured Cheryl. And thanks to Mark’s involvement in his prayer, Menachem was sent to the hospital... Your a dangerous Davener. And your Tallis is dangerous. You nailed Menachem in the eye before tackling him with your Amidah step-back... Let's try to build things as a congregation. To make this holy. We’re planting trees to celebrate life in Israel... It’s life. And I also don’t trust the JNF. They took fifteen dollars from my kid. Who takes money from a first grader?! You just bring me down... And Bernie, there is no need to shake the Bsamim that much... You don’t need to shake it for three minutes to get the smell out. You’re playing it like it’s a maraca... Why were you hitting your hand with it and tapping your feet???!!! I hope I can find a way to make this a Kosher Pesach Holiday. With none of my kids bringing him their pottery from school... It's bad.... It costs money to be Kosher. Dues cost money and you don't pay those... Yes. Bernie is annoying. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi uses his classes to get out his anger about Bernie. 'Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it.' Ouch!!! The sermon was about keeping Kosher and having Kosher dishes. I don't think it spoke to most of our congregants who went out to Wendy's later. I am just happy I have an excuse to not eat at their houses. I've been looking for excuses for years. I am buying machine Matzah. I can’t pay ninety dollars for somebody to rub their hands in my food. Many members got mad at the rabbi for telling them that orders have to be in before the shul order to Flat Rubbed Matzah has been made. They argued that as members they have a right to order Matzah anytime, and they should get it. They are dangerous Daveners. They pray and they attack you with their connection to H’. Tallis whipping must date back to Egypt. It hurts. It was a full tackle. I don't know how his step-back turned into a tackle. He actually stepped back, turned his body, lifted the guy and threw him. He said it was Kavanah. I think it was an excuse to hurt Michel. There is no way the JNF is planting trees with that money. I have seen what they do to the kids at Anshe Elementary. They take that money from the children and run with it. I have never met the JNF guy that plants trees. I have met the guy who takes money for trees. And who needs trees planted? Don't farmers do that? We’re at Havdalah and he’s playing La Cucaracha. Three minutes of Bernie playing the Bsamim. He thinks it’s an instrument. That class on Kashering vessels was the worst class ever. I have never seen so many people destroy their kitchens. The rabbi handed out sledge hammers at the end of class. With all the renovations that have to be done now, the shul will not see those dues paid. I don’t think purging should be taught to congregants who are bad with their hands. Most of the men in our congregation should not be touching anything called a tool, especially when there's fire attached. At least some of the homes are Kosher now. Kosher and without kitchens. The rabbi even said he'll eat at those homes without kitchens, as he trusts the Hashgacha at those places. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
They were piercing ears of slaves into doors so often, it turned into such a bore. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A bore means boring. It also means to make a hole in something. They bored ears of slaves who wanted to remain slaves. It's boring to have to see people boring ears all the time. Education. When building the cover for the ark the first guy used cabbage. He heard Keruvim. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A keruv is a cabbage. Keruv is one of the images on the ark cover. Keruvim is the two of them, and also two cabbages. Hebrew puns are great. And they are also sacrilegious. My kids take after me. Due to Kibud Av vEim, they always let me take first. (Mordechai) You get it? ‘Take after me' means to be like their dad. Instead, they let their dad fill his plate first, as per the Mitzvah to honor parents. Very good kids. If we can have a positive influence on the next generation with our puns, that is the blessing. They said, 'Our Mora DAsra should not put a string around the Kehillah for carrying.' They didn‘t want their rabbi should be Eruv Rav. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Mora DAsra is a rabbi. The string helps in making an Eruv. Eruv Rav, the mixed multitudes. I have no idea what the mixed multitudes are. But it's the Eruv Rav, if that helps. They heard the Mishkan needed copper vessels, so some of the Jews donated a copper ship. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? They used copper in the Mishkan for vessels. Ships are also called vessels. At one time, many ships used copper in their construction. Vessels have different meanings. Mike Lindell is making too much money off this war, selling Gaza Dream Sheets. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Mike Lindell is the My Pillow Guy. He sells Giza Dream Sheets. Gaza was mixed with Giza. They almost sound the same. Giza isn‘t far from Israel, and cotton is an industry. He wouldn't stop talking, saying it's Purim and there is a Mitzvah of Megillah. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A Megillah is when someone rambles on and on. On Purim, we're required to hear Megillat Esther, not Baruch‘s story about his new car. Both Megillahs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Many want to know what they can do as Jews living overseas to help the war effort. They've been asking me what they can do. So, I've decided to help.
You may not be able to afford to feed prime rib to three thousand soldiers. Even so, you can still donate something. If you don't have 10k to support a BBQ for a lone soldier, here are some of the many donation opportunities you can participate in to help our soldiers at this time. Donate Chocolate Chip Cookies Soldiers seem to like cookies. Chocolate chip cookies was the focus of all Israeli families for the first month of the war. Advocates cheered, 'You go to war, you get cookies.' They would bake cookies and give them out to soldiers who were trying to figure out how all these people got out of the draft. They would lineup on the sides of highways handing chocolate chip cookies to soldiers, letting them know that they weren't standing on the side of the road protesting. They would wrap up gift packages without meals, just cookies. And we now, thanks to Chana's kids helping in the kitchen, we have the most out of shape soldiers. Donate Protein Bars Chocolate chip cookies are not appreciated by all soldiers. Apparently, some soldiers are worried about their weight. You can still donate cookies though, even if some soldiers have 'standards.' Many soldiers were so let down by the Israeli chocolate chip cookies, they started asking for protein bars. Why they weren't bringing Dunkan Hines or rugulach is still an anomaly. It should have been, 'You got to war, you get rugulach.' Chana's kids should've been helping make rugulach. Israelis make good rugulach. Other soldiers wanted packaged goods. After months of eating chocolate chip cookies and enjoying them, one soldier noted, 'There is no Hechsher on these. I see no symbol. How do we know it's Kosher?' That is when the protein bars truly started. Socks Soldiers have requested socks. It seems that our soldiers have been fighting terrorists for years barefoot. What kind of army is the IDF? You step barefoot on a rock on a Gazan beach, that's a soldier down. I step on LEGO, I'm down for an hour. Night Vision Goggles and Battle Equipment Soldiers requested this. Night vision goggles, weapons and socks. Buy it for them. Apparently, the Israeli army has been sending the soldiers out to war barefoot and with a knife. The commanders think they're producing an episode of Naked and Afraid. You expect soldiers that train by playing Call of Duty to go to war without night vision??? These guys are out there and they can't even see. The army gives them a pocketknife, a prayer book, and a non-Kosher chocolate chip cookie, that's it. You got guys with no glasses, 20/400 vision, sniping with darts. Guys on a sugar high, starving. Give Money Just give money. Send money to somebody in Israel. They will not say no. Give Money to FIDF I was offended the first time I heard this. To note, FIDF is a pro-Israel foundation. A great organization. I know it sounds offensive to the IDF, but Friends of the IDF supports our soldiers in many ways. F the IDF is another organization. Give Money to JNF They're still taking money for trees. I don't think I've ever seen these people plant trees. They took the money from me in kindergarten though. These guys find a way to make money off everything. I remember once Egged was having issues trying to find new drivers. JNF was there selling trees in memory of buses that used to show up on time. No tree planted. Never saw it. And how trees help Egged, no idea. Just give JNF money. Somebody in their organization will be happy taking it. And you can feel good giving them money on behalf of soldiers, knowing they won't waste the money on trees. Tzizit Soldiers want Tzitzit now. Many soldiers have connected with the Mitzvah of Tzitzit. Some have connected with Tefillin as well. Becoming more religious and Davening Shacharit is also a great way to get out of morning duties. Tye die Tzizit seem to be popular. It makes it easier to see soldiers through the camouflage. Tzitzit are either twelve dollars or one hundred eighty dollars. Some people realized that donations are involved, so the price went up. So you can donate twelve dollar Tzizit to our soldiers, or you can go through Young Israel and donate one hundred eighty dollar Tzizit. As we've learned, they don't feed or clothe the soldiers. All said and done the three hundred dollar night vision goggle donation is a good way to go. Since food purchasing has moved to five-star, war equipment is the cheaper option. For the cost of one BBQ you can outfit a battalion with new uniforms, bulletproof vests, rifles, scopes, protein bars and Tzizit not from Young Israel. You might even have an extra five hundred dollars to give to the JNF to plant a tree and bake some chocolate chip cookies. There is no way they are planting anything. I know it's not happening. It's beautiful to see our Jewish nation coming together, working as one until the next elections. Next time we shall focus on donation opportunities to our displaced brothers and sisters who still haven't realized the hotels have a buffet breakfast. We will also focus on volunteering opportunities for people who are broke after giving money to JNF to plant trees. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Announcements
We ask the adults in our congregation to not dress up this year. The amount of makeup you use on a general Shabbis already scares the children. If you add any more makeup we will lose congregants. The Purim Carnival will include a Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. A communal request has been put out to not give your trash away in the Mishloach Manot. This includes Hamentashen made by you. Please only include bite size chocolate. The annual boutique sale fundraiser will take place this week. If you’re looking for gaudy hats, Mrs. Klein will be selling her collection.. Upcoming Classes: How to Not Look Scary During the Rest of the Year By Not Overusing Botox. How To Give Mishloach Manot That People Want. How to Not Miss Shul When It’s the Only Torah Reading You Have A Chiyuv to Hear. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Parshat Zachor. We have to remember to wipe out Amalek... You can’t even remember to turn on the heating in the shul... It’s freezing in here. The temp outside is 15. When everybody is wearing their winter coat in shul, there’s an issue... (Vayikra 1:17) The fowl, the cheapest offering, that which is from a bird is ‘an elevation offering, a fire offering, a satisfying aroma to Gd’... No. You can afford more. You are just cheap. The last donation you gave to the shul was a box of pasta you didn’t want. That’s supposed to be for the homeless... The shul is not homeless. You pay the rabbi a wage that is... The board is just too cheap to put on the heat... We're speaking of satisfying aromas to H'. Doing things that are pleasing to H'. Not the board. How is the cheapest still just as satisfying to H’? Rashi brings in the Gemaras and teaches us that no matter how much one brings, bug or small, ‘so long as his heart is directed to Heaven’... I would not say that Bernie has a heart. The president definitely... You are just cheap. Nothing to do with heart... You can’t even remember Heaven... It is still an elevation offering, and it is pleasing to H’. (Berachos 5b) There are three kinds of elevation offerings. Herd, flock and fowl. As long as one serves H’ according to their ability, it is accepted. ‘One who does more or less is the same, as long as the intent is for Heaven.’ You wouldn’t even remember if it was for Shamaim. I think we have to stop using 'spirituality' as an excuse to not give money. 'Spirituality' is not an excuse to not come to shul... The money raised by the board is not satisfying. I haven’t gotten a raise... Is it for H’? I haven't seen much money in the Tzedakah box... The fundraisers aren’t even Jewish. What does a boutique have to do with Judaism?... Then call it a thrift shop fundraiser. At least that sounds like charity, and me not being forced to purchase Mrs. Klein's oversized hats... Yes. Every fundraiser should be a Choolante sale. Not a satisfying aroma to H’. But Jewish. Mrs. Klein. Your hats are a bit too much... Rachel. I didn't even realize you were there. You were blocked by Mrs. Klein's fedora... The widest brimmed fedora I have ever seen without a feather. And no dressing up this Purim. Nobody does it for Gd.... Are you wearing a mask today Fran?... Then that is way too much makeup. You scare the kids. You scare me... With the makeup you're a foot closer to me... The makeup is not spiritual. You Mishloach Manot is not spiritual, and it is not for H'. I said it. It's your trash... Poppy seed Hamentashen. Exactly. Cheap and not satisfying.... Choolante in Mishloach Manot would at least be spiritual... We are looking for non-spiritual satisfying aromas to H'. Such as Nutella Hamentashen. The carnival was excellent. Especially the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. it was the first decent idea the board came up with. It was a satisfying spiritual experience to see Bernie get hit. Everybody was pleased by that. It was pleasing to H' to see Bernie get hit by a wet sponge... Rivka's Rundown I believe the fundraisers are there so people can feel not guilty about doing things that are Jewishly wrong. There was a Wednesday Night Binge Drinking for Gd, which seemed like an excuse to drink and wrong. Other fundraisers we had included casino night. And that wasn’t even on Chanukah. By the way, the fundraisers brought twelve dollars to the shul. People brought their own alcohol to the binge, and the casino night was all done with fake money. People could've given money to the shul. We're just a cheap congregation. Mrs. Klein is a bit much with her hats. I think she hit me with one of them last week. Didn't even apologize. I know Fran hit me with her makeup, because I had a mark on my face. It’s either makeup or Botox. Actually, it’s usually both together. A lot of it. I think our community would get along much better if we didn’t give each other Mishloach Manot. The gift baskets are a burden. When you see what they give you, it’s offensive. They think I need more bite size chocolate. If the wrapper doesn’t fully spell out Snickers, if I just get an ‘n’, I am not happy. The way people want Mishloach Manot class was taken to heart. People stopped giving it. Once they heard that anything other than bite size chocolate is not appreciated they all had to go back to Walmart with their Easter Bunnies. I would've rather had one of the Kosher Easter Bunnies. I think it's very important the rabbis give a Hashgacha to Easter. The chocolate is amazing. If all chickens hatched chocolate eggs, more kids would eat healthy. The rabbi was at the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth for two hours. He didn’t let any kids throw a sponge at Bernie. He said they didn’t have good enough arms. When asked why he was there all day throwing sponges, he said it was for Tzedakah. The spiritual excuse of not coming to shul and bad Hamentashen is very bothersome. It smells of something not pleasant. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Purim Carnival Booths3/20/2024
The Purim carnival, mastered by the JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is vital for the communal celebration of Purim. Nothing makes for more good times than a carnival. As a child, I always wanted to go to an amusement park that used no electricity, with all of the staff being members of the shul.
Today, let us focus on the throwing stuff booths. The equivalent to the water gun shooting races at the amusement park, at carnivals people use the water guns to shoot people. But we stick to throwing sports. Here are the top three throws you should have at your carnival. The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. The idea is to make sure the sponge hurts. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Hurt Haman Booth.’ And then you put somebody there who didn't come prepared to get abused or wet. I am happy they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. At least some of the tiny children found it challenging to reach the bullseye with their hands. Sock Throw Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child to celebrate them reading the Torah well. This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water, this event can take place in a carpeted room. People can get carried away with the love of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer. Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks are canes near your Haman. The JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a very devout man took his cane, started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the devout man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week. Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is the only thing that will make a game of Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle. This can also work with a hacky sack. Use small items. Do not toss a pouffe, this is not a strong man competition. The pouffe will just knock over the contraption. Again, socks can be used here. Many people keep socks with holes in them to hurt people with at the Purim carnival. Many people also keep a huge stash of plastic bags, but that is not for the Purim carnival. Next year we shall discuss the many more booths, including head sports and arts and crafts that center around the apple bob other unsanitary events, IY"H. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke III: Pikudei3/17/2024
Announcements
We truly ask you all to not sing harmony anymore. You all sing different songs, and they all sound bad. Due to your singing, the rabbi, the Chazin, the Gabai, the membership, the guests of the Bar Mitzvah, the janitor and the secretary who doesn’t come on Shabbat, don’t want to be in shul. Our shul’s matchmakers are asking for Shidduch resumes. If you want to apply for a Shidduch call Mrs. Bergstein. She messed up my marriage. Volunteering for Israel Opportunities: Ten-thousand-dollar BBQ donations. Car rally carpool hosts. Lox for Chayal Breakfast Day. Snow Advisory is not an excuse for not coming to shul when there is no snow. Upcoming Classes: How to Not Sing in Shul. Writing a Shidduch Resume: How to Make Yourself Look Decent. How to Volunteer by Not Coming to Shul Ever Again. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s the last Parsha in Shemot... We will be reading the Torah next week too. It’s every week, Bernie. We finish and continue. That's tradition... (Shemot 39:2) ‘And he made...’ He did it correctly. He didn’t start making an artistic Ephod. This wasn’t Hillel Hebrew High art class... It’s important to do things right. Not like our board... Yes. I'm looking at the president. (39:21) ‘They attached the Breastplate (Chosen) from its rings to the rings of the Ephod with a cord... and the Chosen did not move from upon the Ephod, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ You don't construct like an idiot... Yes. I'm looking at the president who decided to do renovations on the sanctuary. When you build things right, they don’t move. They stay in one spot. The lectern has moved five times this sermon. Who puts a rabbi’s pulpit on wheels?... If you followed H’s commandments and didn’t do stupid stuff, the pulpit would be normal. You mess up everything... H’ did not command you to sing harmony... Then why do you sound so bad?... Etz Chaim Hee was never meant to be sung like that... It's bad. No singing is what I propose... You mess up every song. It’s not harmony. Definitely not melody. If you don't sing, you can't mess it up... We will start chanting everything... Who is asking for Shidduch Resumes... Who are Mark and Freida to be hiring people as husbands?!... I am against it. Not one of our members is qualified to work as a spouse. Applying for Shidduchs?! These people can’t get a job at Yossi’s Falafel stand. And Mrs. Bergstein has to stop getting involved. She ruins too many relationships... We're talking about doing things right, as Gd commanded. Gd did not command a whole community to get involved in Chaim's relationships... I know he doesn't have credentials for a job as husband... Your resume shows nothing Chaim. No references... It's about correct action. What have you done for Israel? War is happening. Did you take pictures in an orange grove? Did you pick stuff. A BBQ... Two hundred dollars does'nt make a BBQ people want to be at? Giving them hotdogs? The soldiers deserve better than donations from our congregants... What does H' want? People to be satisfied and blessed. You can't even do that right, with your chicken dogs. What Mitzvahs do you do right. Don’t even show to shul when there is no snow... An advisory??? Have you ever taken decent advice?... Then how did you get involved with Hermie?! His resume is off. (Shemot 39:2) They put the stones on the shoulders of the Ephod ‘stones of remembrance for Bnei Yisrael, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ When commandments are done right, they’re remembered. Nobody wants to remember the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes USefilah, who buy chicken dogs for Israeli soldiers... Chicken dogs are not good. This isn't the 1930s. They're going to war for us, Bernie. We need to give H' a reason to remember us for good. For doing Mitzvahs right. For not messing up the rabbi's pulpit. What is this? It just moved again. I have to lean on the thing and brace it the whole sermon... I bear the pain of the shul on my shoulders. It's very painful. Just hearing you sing. If things are done wrong, they will never be remembered. And that is why everybody wants to forget the board. I am trying to forget the singing. But it's too painful. It's stuck in my head. Bernie and Max's harmony is stuck in my head. Everywhere I go, I hear this awful noise. Like a wringing in my ear... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi summed up tradition beautifully when he told Bernie that tradition has nothing to do with Bernie. The lectern on wheels makes no sense. The thing moves. The small shtender by the rabbi's seat was also put on wheels. All of Davening the rabbi had to chase his shtender with his seat. He was sliding all over the shul. And they didn't put wheels on the rabbi's chair. Now the whole place is scuffed up. The board was rethinking where the rabbi speaks from. They had a meeting last week to re-discuss which way Mizrach is. The singing is painful. It hurts. Nothing is on tune. The chanting was even off tune. I believe the announcement was more against the members than their singing. I believe the message was that nobody wants to be in shul because of the presence of members. I am for Shidduch resumes. If a man is looking to marry me right now, it's a job. They've better have credentials to be my spouse. I put it out there. Only men with previous marriages. Interviews are also important. I interview them. Questions asked when applying for job of my spouse. Do you make a lot of money? What's your salary? That announcement was aimed at Mrs. Bergstein. She does get too involved. Come to think of it, she ruined my last marriage. And then she tried setting me up with somebody. She's a divorce chaser. She gets marriages broken, then she makes money off the Shidduch. By the way. You have to be a talented chef to get a job at Yossi's Falafel stand. And Chaim has no references because he hasn't been married. If you speak to Jill's reference, he hates her. They were married for twelve years and she wants full custody. I can’t afford the volunteer opportunities. It’s too expensive to volunteer in Israel nowadays. The Cars For Israel car rally carpool host concept was self-defeating. The idea of the rally was to have a lot of cars driving with Israeli flags and signs on them. People went eight in a car to save on gas and Israel had very little support. 120 people showed and there were only thirteen cars. And the cars were beeping as the cars in front were going too slow. I told our driver to not beep, as you're supposed to go slow at a rally. It sounded like the cars were counterprotesting themselves. I will try to volunteer more. Just what is Chayal Lox for Breakfast Day? How does that help the war effort? Snow advisory is the excuse all the time at shul. I don't know where our congregants are finding snow advisories in sixty-degree weather. Rabbi’s classes were great this week. The class on not singing was the rabbi telling people to stop singing. The rabbi took an hour gave one source which was his own quote, 'Don't sing in shul.' And then he pointed to each person and said, 'You. Don't sing.' And then he told them, that is education, and walked out in a very angry fit of rage. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXI3/15/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how a Frum Jew looks when vacationing, admiring Frum toilets, while David complains about children giving Tzedakah with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames that teach Mitzvot.
Bothersome. The prayer puzzles are a bit much when you’re teaching the kid the bedtime Shema and he has to do a puzzle at the same time. It’s impossible to fall asleep... The Mode Ani kid is filling up that bowl too much. There is no way he is not spilling that all over the house when he wakes up. And the true lesson is only boys have to do Mitzvahs.
A Frum tourist. That’s the look... shorts, Tzitzis out, and a baseball hat so people can’t figure out I’m Jewish. Next vacation we will be sporting the Frumer tourist look of black pants, a polo shirt, Tzitzit out and a baseball hat... The shorts are a dead giveaway I'm Jewish, with the extremely white legs.
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Since the war began Jews all over the world have been trying to do their part in the effort and to support our soldiers. But 10k for a barbecue?!
The support is amazing. Thousands of volunteer and donation opportunities have developed, including babysitting my friend's child. He says nursery school in Lawrence is too much. What that has to do with Israel, I am not sure. He's extremely impressed with the Jewish community's willingness to give, and he also told me he's happy to take donations. Our soldiers have been a huge focus, as they should be. They are protecting our people, and they deserve the greatest show of support. Jewish communities around the world have taken it upon themselves to care for our Israeli military. Now the needs of our soldiers has somehow changed. The way to donate is to grill. And that costs 10k. Somehow, barbecues are now costing 10k. I get it. People want to give and we support our soldiers' protest against veganism. That's important. But 10k barbecues?! I heard the lowest donation for a BBQ is five thousand dollars, and I am simply questioning. I did research and I learned a lot. And I shall rant. Diaspora Communities Have Gotten Involved The soldiers originally needed tourniquets and chargers for cellphones. That changed once families are involved. Extended families, cousins, Jews who finally realized they're Jewish again, communities, some guy who started a nonprofit. Now they need electric grills, so volunteers have an easier time serving dinner in Gaza. Upper middle-class Jews from the Tri-state area got involved in the war, and that means you treat the Chayalim well. We pamper our soldiers. No soldier is left without decent accommodations, bedding and a ten-thousand-dollar barbie. Are 10k BBQs too much? I feel like Diaspora Jews getting involved is going to make our soldiers soft. Now we have people ensuring every Chayal gets a foot massage before going into Gaza. [Before going on, before people get mad, I know our soldiers are tough and they're not pampered by the IDF. Other than free bus rides, there are a tough crew. Now we can go on about 10k barbies...] 10K BBQs This is what got me. Are the soldiers celebrating Bar Mitzvahs? It used to be two hundred dollars. You could feed a unit for two hundred dollars. I remember, going with the family and feeding a base for two hundred dollars. Since the war started and communal care has surfaced, meal prices have gone up. Nobody wants your chicken dogs anymore. Keep your hot dogs for your pathetic family barbecue. The soldiers have become accustomed to better cuts. So, keep your ground meat unless if it's in slider form. Something has changed in the concept of war zone since the Young Israel of Cedarhurst got involved. And yes, it shocked me. Ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. I heard about this and I don't know what to think. I lived in Israel. You can feed the whole of Afula for 10k. Menachem from the Five Towns is Hyped Soldiers used to go to battle and that was it. They were happy to have proper clothing. The soldiers were asking for underwear. Why the army doesn't provide underwear is a different question. Menachem was explaining the newfound complexities of donations. Since the greater Jewish world is now involved, we don't send our soldiers to battle without a decent T-bone. To quote Menachem, ‘They're our soldiers. You treat them with respect. You don’t send soldiers out there without a steak. You don't give them a brisket. Prime rib. You go to the war, you go out fed. Prime. Five Stah. You go to the battle, you get a foot massage. It's rocky terrain. You give them a foot massage, then they go to Gaza. You make sure they see a musical. Did they see the Broadway... You bring them to New York. You donate tickets to Phantom, then they go to Lebanoan.’ To note, Menachem is taking donations. Menachem has never put on a uniform, not even to deliver mail. Menachem has never shot a gun. Menachem knows a guy whose sons friend has a buddy in the army. Menachem is now running the Israeli military; that's what he told me. He's running Tzahal and he knows they need better cookouts. He expressed that he was shocked the army doesn't provide soldiers with a rotisserie. 'Everybody in Cedarhurst has one!' Beef Jerky?! You can also donate beef jerky, just in case they missed the BBQ. I can't afford beef jerky. I believe beef jerky is the least economical food in existence. The only reason I show up to shul is the chance that some wealthy guy might be happy they had a grandchild and put out jerky. The soldiers asked for protein bars. I remember that. In the beginning it was bulletproof vests, night vision goggles and protein bars, to make sure our soldiers were well equipped. Now, we’re focusing on getting the garlic pepper and sweet and sour right. And the soldiers are not happy when it's not done right. They expect stuff now. Some South Africans insisted on biltong. One soldier wrote a letter saying the jerky was too wet. One unit head in Gaza complained jerky wasn't plated. I Wave to Soldiers Please don't tell me I don't give. I waved. I thought that was how we gave to our soldiers. I saw a tank and waved. I then said 'Kol Hakavod.' I believe I did my duty. I called that a donation. It costs less. That was satisfactory in the beginning. I would wave and bring chocolate chip cookies. That was what Israelis were doing in the beginning, to let the soldiers know we cared and to ensure we had the most out of shape army. I saw one guy giving them cigarettes. It was all a show of care and support. And blessings for health. Cookies Don't Cut It Anymore Now they don't want cookies. Now they're offended if there if the pasty is served before desert. If it's not a souffle they're offended. It's a Bar Mitzvah every day. If it doesn't come with whipped cream, who would think of such a thing. One Tzanchan commando was distraught his unit didn't have a smorgasbord; complaining, 'Who goes into Jabalia without pigs in a blanket.' I can go on for a long time about ten-thousand-dollar BBQs. One word for each dollar. It Worries Me When Families Get Too Involved in War Strategy This is what happens when mothers get involved in war. The soldiers get fed well, they get real out of shape, and their shirts get tucked in. Since when have Israeli soldiers tucked in their shirts?! Something is looking off. Since the greater Jewish community has gotten involved in the war effort and caring for the soldiers, the army has had a hard time focusing military strategy. You have soldiers being deployed and mothers ensuring they received their Ahava lotion moisturization aloe kit, worried our boys will come back with chapped skin, not fed decent home-cooked meal. Now they're focused on programs like lox for breakfast day. The IDF has turned into a Hadassah Brunch. I say we go back to asking the soldiers what they need. And I believe their answer will be barbecues, beef jerky, and foot massages. Whatever you do, I am sure the soldiers appreciate it. All said and done. Our soldiers deserve 10k barbecues and a conversation with Menachem before going out to war. And please know, as an Israeli citizen, I understand the fear of ending up with a Mangal. It's a huge letdown when you think you're showing up to a barbecue, and then you find this tiny matchbox sized grill with half a chicken dog on it. And please note that I donated some underwear I hadn't used in a while. If you're fine foreclosing on your home and would like to donate, go to grillingforisrael.com or unitedwithisrael.org. I am sure Friends of IDF also does BBQs... Todah Rabbah LGiborim Shelanu The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYakhel3/10/2024
Announcements
Simcha candy fighting violence must stop. We are asking parents to stop their children from tackling younger kids. We ask that children be educated with the lesson that violence for a Sunkist fruit jelly is not what H’ wants. We also ask parents to not encourage their children to body slam other children who also like sweets. MMA education should not be brought to the Bima during Bar Mitzvah candy throwing. Felsenblum is looking for a car. Please sell him one. We’re all sick of hearing him talk about needing a car. We are going to start a weekly communal sway on Friday nights. We will sing Shalom Aleichem to arms on shoulders. We believe it will help with more crying during Davening. Upcoming Classes: How to Open an Aron and Cover a Torah Not Like A Yutz So That People Don’t Have to Wait Five Minutes. How to Not Get Violent When There is a Simcha Even if There is Food. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:21) ‘Every man whose heart inspire him came, and all whose spirit motivated him brought a portion to H’ for the work of the Tent of Meeting, and for all it’s labor and for the sacred garments.’ Inspired to give. To volunteer. Not our congregation. Our congregants don't help. They're inspired to do anything they can to not be useful... You've never helped anybody open a prefab table, Bernie... The first part of the Pasuk, VaYavohu ‘And they came,’ 'Every man whose heart inspired him came,' speaks of those who came to do the work of sewing and building, etc... Accountants were not useful Brian. Ramban teaches that they were ‘inspired’ as they did not learn craftsmanship in Egypt. This is not an excuse for the lack of talent and expertise in our congregation... You were not slaves in Topeka. There were the ones who spirit motivated them. According to Or HaChaim, they were not on the same level as those whose heart inspired them, as the heart inspired came from such a great desire. Kind of like the way the community quilt was put together by very untalented people of our membership. It’s just that H’ did not inspire them. It just goes to show how bad art can be when H' doesn't inspire you... You were inspired to mess it up. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah were people who did not have any decent craftsmanship or taste. No artistic abilities.... Betzalel was inspired by H'. The spirit of putting together a decent quilt was in him. What motivates you? What inspires you?... People ran from shul so they wouldn’t have to fast because of a guy who can’t carry a Torah. Not fasting inspires you... My desire is to not have to see congregants. Last week, people had to wait for the guy to figure out how to open the Aron... The guy couldn't figure out where the ark's string was... And now you get the Parochet cover stuck on the thing... 5 people are helping him figure out how to pull a cloth over a handle. This is why everybody ran from shul. The patheticness... What inspired them was not having to fast. We're inspired for different reasons, but we are inspired as a community. The swaying arm around the shoulders with Etz Chaim Hee had us all praying for a better day. A day in which some of our congregants would know how to treat a Torah... Inspire yourself to learn a little... I was part of the circle of love. I needed it. I'll admit it. I've been working with this very untalanted congregation for a very long time. A little swaying can touch the heart. Bring a little inspiration... Sometimes you need another man to touch your shoulders. To put your arms around his shoulders and sway... You were weeping. He touched your shoulder and you said, 'I haven't been touched in...' Moishie. Your desire is for candy... Your child tackled the other kids... Stop. You were involved. You put it in your Tallis bag... You had him load up your Tallis bag.... Other kids were crying. You yelled, ‘He has more candy. Take it’... Your kids are you hit men. Little uninspired Sunkist fruit gem mafia... You get violent at Kiddish too. The violence in our congregation has to stop... You taught your child MMA so he can get more fruit gems... I'm inspired to get Felsenblum a car... If anybody has a car, just give it to the guy. Nobody wants to hear about this car thing anymore. We understand buying a car is hassle. We've all got ripped off... Ever went for an oil change? They take your money... No. Mechanics are Rashas. All mechanics are Rashas. They're evil sinners. I never went to one and didn’t want to shoot somebody... Seeing the community quilt, I'm inspired. It helps me connect with our history. I see the quilt and I feel like a slave. A slave to bad art... Maybe we are still slaves just trying to get out of Egypt. As we learn on Pesach, 'Every generation we are obligated to see ourselves as if we left Egypt.' If I ever get a better job. If I ever get out of this shul... Rivka's Rundown Nobody helps with prefab tables. Our membership thinks they open themselves. Ever tried flipping one over by itself? You can kill your hands on the metal. I'm just happy we've got some of the new plastic prefabs. There has been less shul injury since. I think the rabbi said it when he said, ‘Inspired to give. To volunteer. not our congregation.’ That was the message. Nobody helps. The community quilt is quite ugly. It truly represents our community and lack of care for people with illness. I wouldn't say they were helping anybdy when they made it. It was a general illness quilt. Nobody could think about any individual they cared about, so they made a quilt and left it in the shul, for illness. Like a Mishebeyrach prayer that people should be sick It’s pathetic watching them work on the Torah. It's so not smooth. The men in our shul carrying the Torah is a nightmare. The guy couldn’t find the string to open the ark again. And then they ask him to hold the Torah. I run out now every week. I don't trust these people can hold the Torah right. The rabbi was truly touched by the Etz Chaim Hee swaying the other day. After the guy figured out how to open the ark, a sway of brotherly love began in the men's section. There is something about standing next to somebody and putting your arms on their shoulders or waist and swaying back and forth. It brings you together. It even melted the heart of our rabbi. People have been showing up for the swaying. People need the touch. They come in for Etz Chaim Hee and leave. I think the shul might be able to pick up membership if we focus on swaying more. Then we were swaying on the women’s side. There is something about the arm over shoulder connection. I think we all needed the Jewish love. I wanted to do Havdalah all week, just for the sway. People at work aren't open to swaying. I think if they sung Havdalah, they would be into it. The dad literally opened his Tallis bag, told his kids to put in the fruit jellies, and sent them back out, pointing at a tiny preschooler. He said, ‘Grab the candies from that one, and smack him. He's small.’ There is a lot of violence when it comes to Simchas. I think it’s built-up frustration amongst our day-schoolers. Even the way they whip the candy bags at the Chatan or Bar Mitzvah. With that much anger, even fruit gems can hurt. The rabbi gave a Psak this week that it's Asur (forbidden) to be a mechanic, because they steal from people. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The true goal of any Jew going to shul is to be noticed. Last week we focused on the Loud Method of being noticed in shul. This week we shall focus on the Holy Method.
Warning: The Holy Method takes commitment. You may want to stick to loud. Slow and Soft Thought Method Talking slowly and softly is holy. Everybody knows this. So slow down your speech and make it look like you're thinking before you say anything. Answer questions slowly and softly. Take a long time thinking before answering any question. Then, answer very softly. The less they hear your answer, the more the more thought they will think you're putting into it. Answering questions in a way that can't be heard is holy. Trust me, you'll be noticed for your humility. And the knowledge expressed by your not answering their questions will be praised by all. Make Them Wait The idea of the Slow and Soft Thought Method is to make people wait. 'Should we start Chazaras Hashas?' Wait to answer that. 'People are waiting.' Don't worry. Make them wait. Holy people move slow and make people wait. If you make people wait long enough, the congregation will start to respect you. Due to your newfound holiness and ability to make them wait, be ready for people to ask you more questions. Tis a Bit Without the 's' Sound Holy people leave out the 's'. It should sound more like the Hebrew letter 'ת' with a dagesh and a sheva, if that helps. Before talking or answering any questions, shake your head, close your eyes, and make a little noise with your tongue touching your pallet. Why? I don't know. It's just what holy people do. It adds onto the amount of time it takes to answer a question, and it draws extra attention to your holiness. Silent Method of Holiness It's very holy to not talk. Be silent at all times. Don't even say 'Shabbat Shalom.' Just give a head nod. Better than a head nod is a head shake. Head shakes will have people thinking they did something wrong. Making people feel like they did something wrong is what holy people do. If people ask you questions while pulling the Silent Method, remain silent. That's why it's known as the Silent Method. The directions for this method are fairly simple. Remain silent. They will thank you for your answers. The less you answer them, the more they'll ask you. So be ready to answer a lot of questions without saying anything. It's a skill. As long as your silence is very loud, you will be noticed for your holiness. Pulling this method is extremely advanced. Hence, I suggest the Slow and Soft Method of holiness for most notice-ability. Squint Holy people don't open their eyes fully. It also helps when you're in the sun, or when praying in bright light. This also works for answering questions. Squinting makes it look like you're thinking, especially when squeezing your lips together. Close your eyes a lot and don't answer questions in a sensical manner. Take Longer Than the Rabbi with Shema The rabbi is going to be long. You be longer. If your Shema is long enough, they might even hire you. Most shuls hire rabbis based on how long their Shema is. If you're looking into a rabbinic job, work on lengthening your Shema. Do an out loud 'Emes' Shema ender when everybody has already started the Amidah. There is no way somebody can have that long of a Shema and not be holy. I must note, the loud 'Emes' is one of the only times a holy person should be extremely loud. Otherwise, nobody will know your Shema prayer is holier than the rabbi's. If they wait for you to finish the Shema, even holier. A Long Amidah After your Shema, when the rest of the congregation is preparing to leave, do a long Amidah. Just stand there for a real long time. You can think about sports. Meditate on some cute girl you're thinking about. Just stand there and you will be holy. To pass time, as you will run out of words to say, shuckle a bit. Once the rest of the membership is gone, you can finish the Amidah and run out. Dress Holy This means a suit. You have to wear a suit at all times. In shul, at work, playing pickleball. Holy people wear suits. As we said, the Holy Method is hard. You will have to be fully enveloped in the method. Have a Safer Open at All Times It looks holy to have a Talmud or book of Torah open at all times. You don't have to be learning it. It should be open and in Hebrew. You don't have to understand Hebrew. It's just not holy to learn in English. Learning what you understand is not holy. It's better to not read. Leaning over the Sefer is holier. Nothing looks holier than falling asleep over a book. Keep Your Head Down Always make it look like you're saying Tachnun. You can practice these methods at work. The Holy Method will have the office supporting your time in meditation, or thinking about girls. The Loud Method discussed last week will get you a job as a boss. In Summary: Davening slower shows holiness. The cues are slow, low, eyes closed and humble. To ensure your holiness you should be loud every once in a while. And that is only when praying. And when Hebrew outlouding your Tefillah be sure to be a few prayers back. (Those practicing the Silent Method can be loud in prayer, as to help draw attention to their silence.) You will be able to judge how holy you have become by how many people ask you questions. I can tell you, as a holy rabbi myself, many people ask me where the best place to shop for suits at a discount is. Not to toot my own horn. And remember to squint a lot. I cannot stress this enough. Eyes not fully open shows holiness. I pray the Holy Method gets you noticed. Maybe you'll get an Aliyah from it. If you do get an Aliyah, be sure to say it in a way that is hard for the others to hear. Remember, the less they can hear you, the holier you are. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tisa3/3/2024
Announcements
The new whiskey at Kiddish doesn't taste disgusting. We want to thank the Berkman family for bringing a whiskey that doesn’t make you want to puke. It’s a pleasure to drink alcohol that doesn't taste extremely bad. Rule: The rabbi has decided that only people strong enough to hold a Torah can hold a Torah. In addition, somebody who has no idea what to do with a Torah is not allowed to hold it. People are having heart attacks, thinking these people will drop the Torah and they’ll have to fast. No more Torah honors for people who come to shul once a year. It turns out they can't figure out how to open a curtain. No being louder than the Chazin. The congregation needs to know who to follow during Davening. We understand many people like to show off when they’re finishing the Shema. It’s just confusing. Classes This Week: How to Hold a Torah so People Don’t Have Heart Attacks. How to Drink Whiskey without Sounding Like an Idiot. How to Allow the Leader to Lead by Not Being Louder Than Him. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Chazin thought it was Revi’i... There are a lot of Psukim in the beginning of the Parsha there. I thought he was reading the Haftorah already. It was only Sheini... Two hundred Psukim... Then read faster. I’m falling asleep. Thought it was VaYakhel already... They stuffed two hundred Psukim in the beginning there because they don’t want the Yisraelim to feel bad about being involved in the golden calf. I felt bad having to hear the Ba'al Koreh reading the Torah for thirty minutes. And that was before Sheini. Almost as bad as the new bourbon they brought last week. You guys feel bad about nothing... You should feel bad about how annoying you are as congregants... Betzalel and Ahaliav didn’t build the golden calf. They were better builders than that... The Yisraelim get the third Aliyahs and on. Pay attention. You've been coming to shul since you were... Don’t ask me why Aharon made the calf... He didn't build it. But he did. But he didn't. He really didn't... But he did. (Shemot 32:4) The calf is fashioned and Aharon tells the nation ‘These are your gods...’ But he didn't tell them this is their lord. But he did... Rashi teaches that it does not say ‘our Gd.’ It’s yours. 'Your gods.' The Eruv Rav, mixed multitudes, got them to believe in this kind of god. Kind of like the board got you to think that honoring everybody with Hagbah is a good idea.... The guy almost dropped the Torah. And then redoing the sanctuary... Redoing the sanctuary is not a good idea. Rebecca is going to be doing it... Exactly. Bad idea. When she gets involved... I have no idea what 'mixed multitudes' means. It's the English translation. That's why we use it. I can tell you who the Eruv Rav is. But that's not English... It’s the gods that you make. And in our shul, it seems to be really ugly ones that are worshiped with bad alcohol. (32:22-24) Aharon justified it for the nation. You have no justification for the poor craftsmanship on the art in your kitchen. The back backsplash is pathetic. It's bathroom tile... I don’t know how Aharon justifies ‘I threw it in to the fire and this calf came out’... I think Moshe bought it. You should throw the backsplash in a fire. He blames it on the Eriv Rav (Rashi). He was hoping it would come out of the fire shapeless, and the sorcerers made a calf. A bunch of artists. Post-modern style. If he wanted shapeless art, he would've asked the youth of our congregation. The day school art fair is horrendous. Shapeless stuff. Ever seen the papier-mache? A bunch of shapeless idol worshipers... Your idols are what you focus on, and you focus on bad whiskey. You don’t even like the whiskey. It’s a Walkman... Walkmans are things people used to listen to music on. This is a Johnnie Walker takeoff... It’s a mutt and they didn’t even try to make it sound Irish... You like it because it didn’t make you puke. That’s it. It didn’t taste good... The Torah must be taken seriously. The Jews forgot how easily H' and the Torah can be taken for granted... The guy almost dropped the Torah... He's not Moshe. He doesn't pay dues. He wasn't mad the Jews were worshiping a Golden Calf. Holding a Torah is an honor?! The guy never shows up to shul. He has no idea how to hold the thing. Took it from the Parochet. He took it by the cloth... You can't hold anything like that. But he still took it like that. Like the Torah floats in a cloth... It's not a ghost. This isn't the Aron. Did he ever have a kid... Must’ve dropped her a lot.... I almost had a heart attack watching him. That’s why I wasn’t around when they returned it. I didn’t want to fast... The greatest worry in my life is having to diet. Pikuach Nefesh. I had to save my life. The Eruv Rav of Torah honors... You should've known. Last week, he couldn't even figure out how to get the Torah cover back on the thing. He was the worst Galilah. The bottom was caught on the top part of the wood for five minutes. Three people came to his aid... All they did was move the cloth over the wood plates. That's all it took... Nobody looks up to your Davening Shlomo. You took over the Davening. Nobody even knows you... You came to our shul and just took over... You were louder than the Chazin. It made no sense. Nobody knew who was leading. They even waited for you to finish the Shema... I’m the rabbi. That’s my one Kavod... I think you were drunk. I truly want to smack you when you’re drinking. The way you talk like you know what’s going on. Very annoying. 'The Walkmans whiskey has a very fine metal taste...' Metal barrels... The Eruv Rav drinks Evan Williams. (Shemot 32:11-13) Moshe has to pray on our behalf. He has to bring in Egypt and our forefathers. He has to bring up H' looking like he took us out of Egypt to punish the Jewish people and that looking bad to the non-Jewish nations. For this congregation, I would let it be. H' wants to destroy it. It's fine. I think the other people in Topeka would understand why H' destroyed our congregation... Who is the Eruv Rav?I It's not the rabbi who checks the Eruv before Shabbis. It's the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi actually said, 'Damn this Parsha is long.' Most of the congregants are still trying to figure out what the mixed multitudes are. We do have a very diverse congregation. The Torah reader, Baal Koreh, does read slow. We need a speed guy for these long Parshas. A guy that skips Psukim would be perfect. And then to have a Bar Mitzvah boy. This is pain. The rabbi was so mad, he skipped mentioning the Bar Mitzvah boy in his sermon. They didn't even mention the kid in the announcements. Why they let the Bar Mitzvah boy do an Aliyah, I think the Gabai is trying to start fights. He even asked one of the congregants that thinks he's a Chazin to lead the Musaf service. That was an extra twenty minutes right there. Any time a whiskey doesn’t taste disgusting, people are saying ‘Pshhh. That’s good.’ And then they get involved in discussions about how smokey the thing is. A bunch of pretentious fools, they think whiskey is made in fire. The Torah carrying was messed up. Get people who know how to carry it. It shouldn't be hard. It has handles. And yet, this guy still takes it by the cloth. Then to see the 4'3" Bar Mitzvah boy. The Torah is bigger than the kid. I think I suffered 12 heart attacks. Each step the boy took to the Bima, I had another heart attack. It's the thought of having to fast. That kills me. I believe this was the first time the whole congregation identified with the rabbi. The greatest worry in a Jew's life is not being able to eat. Dropping the Torah is another issue, not as bothersome to our membership as fasting. Our Gabai is truly picking the wrong people. Even the guy opening the ark can't figure out what's going on. He couldn't find the string to pull. He was trying to move the curtain from the top of it. The guy was jumping up to move it. I have no idea how these people get into a shower. I think the Gabai just likes seeing inept people work. That's why he joined the board last year. The Gabai should've know the guy would have no idea how to open the curtain, he had on the Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke. Anytime somebody is wearing the Kippah they give out at the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you know they have no idea what's going on in shul. He even had the Tallis thrown over his shoulders like a shawl. The art done by the kids in our shul is horrendous. And they still hang it in the shul. There should be a sign 'this is how art looks when you don't practice.' At least make a lesson out of it. And then Rebecca, she is so bad. She still thinks papier-mache looks good. Sixty years old and she thinks papier-mache looks decent. We have a papier-mache lion to the left of the ark. It looks like a pathetic Mardi Gras float that got stuck in front of the shul. And that is why idol worship is forbidden. This new Shlomo loud guy is running the shul now. If you're loud you run things. The Chazin is second fiddle to this guy. He's singing songs and the congregation is with him. The Chazin tried going on, and he looked pathetic. Almost as bad as the art at our shul. The Chazin just stopped. He gave up. He even walked over and gave Shlomo the Chazin Siddur. The big Siddur was in loud guy’s hands. He wasn’t even Ashkenazi. He was leading our Ashkenz shul from his seat in the fourth row, with a different Nusach. And everybody followed. The Chazin couldn’t compete. I think one guy screamed at the Chazin, ‘Get out of there. This guy is our leader.’ I’m happy the rabbi went off on Shlomo. He truly hijacked our shul. We would've been a Sefardic synagogue by Mincha if it wasn't for our rabbi. I'm not going to lie, I can't stand people who come to a shul and run stuff without knowing anything. Even the Kaddish guys that show up for the first time without knowing the shul's pace, and then they run it. Very bothersome. The rabbi should go off on mourners for being disgusting people more. I think the rabbi’s classes are truly there to just tell the community how annoying they are. The classes were perfect this week. The whiskey drinkers truly are annoying. ‘This is good. It doesn’t taste like ----.’ The class had a sequel ‘How to Not Sound Like a Pretentious ---- When Drinking a Cup of Wine.’ The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The only way to look good in shul is to be noticed. And the only way to do that is to be very loud. Make noise and you will look good. You will at least look like you know what's going on.
You want to make noise while other people are trying to pray with Kavanah. We've dealt with this in the past. Yet, I still have much to help with regarding getting oneself noticed in shul. I have learned much from my years in around the Kehilah. I am a wealth of Frum knowledge, and I shall share a Bissel more with you. Chuch a lot Clear your throat as much as possible. When starting a Tefillah, when turning a page, when greeting people in the middle of the silent Amidah prayer; these are all opportunities to Chuch. This tradition began in the early 1900s. It must’ve. Every older guy in my shul does this. I am guessing it dates back to Eastern Europe. A lot of Chuching in Lithuania. Coughing and sneezing is also a tradition from the old country. I don't know how they are able to cough that loud, but the sound of mucus from Lithuania in there is very noticeable. Get Involved in Aliyahs to the Torah Nobody asks you. Chutzpah. You turned down the Gabai job. That doesn't mean you don't make the decisions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t complain to the Gabai. Anytime you have a chance to tell somebody how to do their job, you’re important. Hence, you should always be telling the Gabai and Chazin what to do. Tell the Gabai who to call up. If it's a Kohen in a Yisrael spot, you still look good getting involved, telling the people what to do. Better yet, just say 'you're doing it wrong.' Tell the Baal Tefillah to Go Faster You don't have to be a Gabai for this either. You just have to be loud. Chazin is going at the right speed for the prayers, who cares. Tell him 'faster.' Then, tell him 'slower.' The goal is to let him know he is doing nothing right. Better yet, just say, 'You're doing it wrong.' Disapproval means importance. Again, telling people what to do fashions importance. Especially when you're telling them that they're doing it wrong. Pace This will get you noticed. Physical movement is key to being noticed. Sometimes, yelling at people and telling them they are wrong doesn't do the job. Walk around the shul. Go over to people. Add in a talk for extra importance affect. I suggest the waving the hands method. Waving of your arms is also a good way to ruin people's Kavanah. If you can breakdance, do it. The pilot will definitely draw attention. Do not bring a boombox. I have seen people get kicked out of shul for that. Your smartphone can do the job. The Movement Method of being noticed is why shuckling became very popular in the Yeshiva world in the early 1980s. Go Loud Every Once in a While Nobody would be loud if they didn't understand what was going on. A good loud Hebrew word gets you noticed. Time it at every two and a half minutes and it will sound good. 'Ya'aleh vYavo' is a good one to shout. Stick to that one and you'll be good. Forget about Rosh Chodesh. Mumbling loud works as well. It keeps the other congregants guessing, and it sounds like Hebrew spoken by an Ashkenazi. Move Stuff Organize the shul in the middle of Davening. Bring in a sofa. If that doesn't work. A freezer and a generator might help you get noticed. Looks of Disapproval Give a look of disapproval with an audible breath. A complaint, especially when loud, shows you're running things. Perfect way of showing complaint and importance. You can add in a headshake of disapproval for loud movement purposes. Best is when the Chazin is leading the Davening at the correct speed. At that point, express disapproval. Only a Chashiv person can pull that. And remember to tell them, 'You're doing it wrong.' Ask for Tzedaka That seems to be a religious thing to do. Ask for Tzedaka while people are trying to pray. And that was another anti-Semitic moment. Talk Talk to people. Middle of prayers, talk to people. Have full-on regular conversation. Only somebody who is important would have a full conversation at regular volume in shul. I hear somebody talking in the middle of Shacharit, I'm thinking, 'This is an important guy. He must have something to say about weeding a garden.' Kick Somebody Out of Your Seat If you really want to look good, kick somebody out of a seat. People will see that and they will respect you. It doesn't even have to be your seat. Just kick them out. If you can tell somebody they're sitting in your seat, you've made it. Especially if you haven't paid your dues yet. Just the ability to say 'that is my seat' when showing up an hour late to Davening, that looks good. That's a powerful man. One who garners respect. A Really Big Hat A huge hat will do the job. Just wear a big hat, huge brim, and you're good to go. That will disturb everybody's Kavana. These are just a few ways to be noticed in shul. If we learned nothing, being noticed looks good no matter what you do. I am sure, as a member of the congregation you'll find a way to be noticed. You're important if you tell people what to do. So, get better at that. Remember, as long as you think you look good, you look good. And looking good means being noticed. Bang a table. In addition to the methods we discussed, bang a table. Even if it's not Rosh Chodesh. Just bang a table real loud. That will get you noticed, and scare people. They notice your bang, they'll never take a chance sitting in a seat. And remember to always tell people they're doing it wrong. If nothing else works, join the Kiddish club. Those guys are loud. Next week we shall discuss the Holy Method of being noticed and outlouding your Hebrew in a holy way when outdoing the rabbi with your Shema and a loud Chuch. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke III: Tetzaveh2/25/2024
Announcements
We know our congregants like to complain. We just ask that the complaints make sense and follow a logical flow. You can’t tell a Baal Tefillah that they’re leading too fast, and then to tell them they’re leading too slow. No more tie-dye. We want to commend Mark on his new suit. It’s an Angeleno. He has been showing it to everybody at Kiddish. We ask our congregants stop buying husky suits. They look portly. We have a very portly congregation. We believe that if people buy athletic suits, they’ll look more athletic. They'll still be portly, but athletic. Athletic portly is what we're looking for in our congregants. Upcoming Class: How Not to Look Like an Idiot in Shul. The Gabai of our shul is bad. We know it. We apologize. We have no idea of how to get rid of him. It seems to be shul tradition to have a really bad Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 28:12) The stones with the names of the tribes on them were to be put on the Efod. ‘Aharon shall carry their names before H’ on both his shoulders for a remembrance.’ He did not carry them in his hands. He didn't do a juggling act with the stones... Then how would he do the service? He needed his hands... You don’t need your hands, because you don’t help. You don’t remember to help. And you can’t even do farmers carries with eight pounds... To remember. Wherever Aharon went in the Temple, he reminded H’ of us... You can’t even remember when the time of Minyin is. Your wife should walk around with ‘go to shul’ on her shoulders... Then you might show on time, Walter... For Aharon to remember as well. Though he couldn't see it... We have to constantly be reminded. At least Fran. You have to constantly remind her to take the choolante out of the oven... You burn it every week Fran. (28:29) The Urim and Tumim went into the breastplate... ‘Aharon shall carry the judgment of Bnei Yisrael on his heart. before H’, always.’ It was there, where judgment was to be decided, where the names of the tribes were also present as a remembrance... Justice needs to be near the heart. Compassion. If it wasn’t for the judge remembering Shloimy from racquetball, he would've gotten the parking ticket... (Sforno) Having the names of the tribes on his heart inspired the Kohen Gadol to pray for the nation. I have never been inspired to pray for the congregants of this shul. And we have a list of all the members who haven't paid their dues... Our Chazin is a letdown... You wouldn’t even know who you’re praying for. You forget... You have to be reminded. Constantly... Then write the names on your heart... Our Gabai is a letdown. Our Kohanim don’t even remember how to Duchin... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... Got to remind these guys. They space out. If you all wrote stuff down... Rashi (28:12) ‘That H’ should see the tribes written before Him, and He should remember their righteousness.’ If it was our congregation, H’ would remember your annoyingness, and... You just want to complain... You told him he was Davening too fast. Then told him he is Davening too slow... What’s a Chazin supposed to do?! New rule. Nobody can share their opinions. Everybody has one, and it’s a complaint... I tell the Chazin he is bad. I tell the Baal Tefilah that he shouldn't be leading because he is messed up. That is OK... I am not complaining. I am making the shul a place that children will want to remember and visit when they're older... A shul without this Chazin, Gabai and board... Complaining is not a reminder. Constant reminders are important. Constant reminders how to dress is also important. You look like idiots. Tie-dye has to stop. Or I am out of here... I can’t have congregants who don't even wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis... Saying ‘It’s a’ does not make it a good suit... What’s an 'Angeleno'?! Angeleno is the name of the company. It's not classy just because you stressed the last name of the company... Shimon is not husky. It’s the suit. If he bought an athletic suit, he would look athletic. The guys in our shul will never be in shape. We accept that. We just ask that they try to keep their suits in shape... It just looks better... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... No. You really are a bad Gabai... The fights between Mariv in Shmuel are because you don’t know how to give Kibudim. Your honor giving ability is off... And you shouldn’t be calling yourself... It’s not a fair amount to ask Yochanan once a month and Felvel twice a day. And yourself before them... You don't even end up asking them... Because you say yes to yourself... You’re a bad Gabai. Almost as bad as the board. Maybe if you remembered their names... That's why the wrong person comes up... So. You call up yourself because you can't remember their names?! Write it down... We have to be reminded daily. Every second the Gabai has to be reminded to be a not annoying person. We have to be reminded to be good Jews constantly... You should wear Tzitzis. Heretics in this place... You even forgot to say Tehillim for Israel. Who forgets... Rivka's Rundown You have to remind everybody in this congregation about everything. They're oblivious to anything that is not them getting an Aliyah. Eighty percent of our congregants forgot there was a war in Israel. Some of the people aren't even posting on social media anymore. But they get up there and get an Aliyah, and it's a half hour of them rattling off every name of every cousin that didn't move to Israel, for the Mishebeyrach. I think their Aliyah to the Torah is holier than people who moved to Israel. It's a messed up understanding of Aliyah. Due to the rabbi's sermon, many congregants thought it was a good idea to get tattoos. Once the rabbi let them know that it's Asur to get tattoos and you can't see tattoos that are on your back, the Gabai decided it wasn't necessary to tattoo the list of potential Aliyahs. They told him his Davening was too quick. And they told him his Davening took too long. How do your respond to that?! I am still trying to figure out how to respond to Felvel. You can't. The congregation is weak, and they don't help. They don't remember to help. Truth be told, you wouldn't want them to help. Watching them carry stuff and grunting. They help in complaint form. They help with a complaint grunt. And they are weak. They can't even carry the weights to the rack to lift them. The rabbi started Chumash carries in the shul. Just so people would start helping. He called it exercise. It worked for a week. Then people forgot to exercise. Due to the rabbi's new program. People stopped using Chumashes too. They forget to learn Torah. People truly remember nothing in our shul. Choolante is always burned. The Gabai forgets names. You need a second Gabai to remind him. Then the Duchining is messed up. The Kohens forget they're Kohens. I even saw one Kohen washing his own hands. Everybody in the congregation forgets. The rabbi is correct. He's the only one who remembers they forgot. Fran forgets. She denies it, but she forgets. She forgets that she forgets. She'll argue for days that she didn't forget that she forgot. Not a fun discussion. The other people forget that tie-dye went out of style in the '90s. 'No more tie-dye' is an actual rule. They kicked three people out of shul on Shabbat, just for having a shirt that had more than one color. It was said that they were too close to tie-dye. It was a Geoffrey Beene. I would hope our congregants had more class than that. It turns out, they put the shirt in a wash with colored laundry. Tie-dye has to stop. What happened to the white shirt and black pants look?! That seemed to work for Jews on Shabbis for many century. And then Mark has his Angeleno. What happened to decent suits?! Why do they need to add the names when they talk about their suits? Because they're ugly as sin. I think the guys at shul are easily sold to. When the suit guy pats the shoulders, they buy it. It's hard to say no to that. Anytime somebody pats the shoulders the clothes feel good. That's why so many girls in the '80s were wearing shoulder pads. Rabbi is correct, you look like the suit you wear. If you wear a portly, you look portly. The class focused on clothes. The rabbi contended that if you dress in non-Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, you will look like an idiot. He then went on to explain how you wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, because it's Shabbis. To quote: 'You wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis because it's Shabbis. That's why they are called Shabbis clothes. It's Shabbis.' Calling the suit by the last name with an 'a' has really made the suits look better. The fat guys in shul are looking really in shape now, thanks to the huge athletic suits they've been buying. Size 66 athletic suits. Hickey Freeman should be advertising these oversized athletic fit suits. 'The athletic suits that swim in your shoulders and fit just right around your portly belly.' Putting portly in there will help reach our shul's membership clientele. I have seen many out of shape Jews that look good. As Frum Jews we focus on our clothes, not our bodies. Every fight in shul is based on what the Gabai does. He doesn't ask the right people to Daven and a war starts. The rabbi telling the Gabai that he’s almost as bad as the board is hurtful. The rabbi once told a board member, 'You're on the board.' He usually doesn't curse people like that. I don't know what got him so mad. That comment, telling the board member he's on the board, led to a fisticuffs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Dear Lone Soldier...
This is our war. Thank you for fighting it. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for running away from your parents. I get it. I see them in shul. They're annoying. You are Nachis to so many people. And to your parents as well. Even though you left them. As I bring you this ode from a man who didn't serve in Tzahal, let us focus on the Nachis you bring. Lone soldiers, you bring such Nachis to your parents. American parents Nachiskate how their children are in the IDF. The only Nachis my parents got when I moved to Israel was telling people, 'Our son made Aliyah and he asks us for money. That's our kid. He lives in an apartment in Jerusalem we paid for.' You did it of your own volition. You didn't have the mandatory service requirement. You didn't have to become a citizen, but you did it. That word 'citizen' scares me. Anything with citizen in it, I run. I don’t want to pay more taxes. I've suffered enough for the Jewish people. I have been asked to join shul committees. And I am sure your parents have been on the committees. These young people who move to Israel and join the army, they see a future of good for the Jewish people. They see hope. They never served on a shul board. They never had to deal with a committee. They can make decisions and get stuff done. You are Nachis to so many board members who discuss if you should be recognized for your service in the shul bulletin. Board members who have to decide if they should honor you or a local community member who bought Israel Bonds and knows people who will donate in their name. Board members that decided you shouldn't be honored. A board that decided you won't bring in enough money. You chose to serve your people. When all other kids your age in America are at college drinking as much as they can, you decided to serve in the Israeli army drinking as much as you can. You are Nachis to so many soldiers in our IDF that smoke too. You are brave. The extent that you were willing to go to not have to see your parents, it's commendable. In my parents' generation, kids used to run away to join the circus. You joined the army. You ran off to defend our people. I tried running away at 19, but then I saw a bus coming. I was not ready for public transportation. I ran back home. My parents were able to drive me places. I was not raised with public transit abilities. The prospect of having to hold onto a railing while in motion was not for me. My middle class Jewish upbringing did not make for me interacting with strangers during travel. You are Nachis to your parents who are proud of their child who is not afraid to use Egged. You don't even speak Hebrew. You joined an army where you don't know the language. Your Jewish Day School experience didn't set you up for this. When they taught you Hebrew, they thought you might end up needing to interact with Jews in South America. They didn't think Tzahal. You are Nachis and you don't even know what it means. You were adopted and you didn't tell your parents. That's a stinger. You were adopted by a family in Israel who gives you an eight-inch-wide bed for only seven hundred dollars a month, to use once every six Shabbats. And now you sleep head to toe with a kid you're not related to. You are Nachis to the people that adopted you for $700 a month. The way they sometimes kick the youngest out of the mattress of centimeter thickness for you to sleep on Shabbat once every month and a half shows pride. You left your family, and the army decided it was a good idea to constantly remind you that you're alone, a lone soldier. They thought a daily reminder about how you're missing your family would be a good help when thinking about your parents. You were brave enough to make friends when you were all alone. You were branded alone, and you still made friends. You sucked it up and made friends, as lonely as you are. You realized that there are thousands of other lone soldiers. And you became lonely together. Now you're with thousands of people and still lonely. A lone soldier. All alone. You even made Israeli friends, and you can now drink and sing karaoke in Hebrew. And you still have no idea what is going on. Maybe we should change it to soldiers with friends. That sounds less depressing. I made Aliyah and I was alone. I didn't do the army. I was a lone citizen. I was just called an Oleh. It should be lone Oleh and popular soldier with friends. You are Nachis to all the people who love you, even though you are alone. A lone person with friends. The Mitzvahs you do are amazing. Saving lives is a such a Mitzvah. And then honoring your parents by allowing them to Nachiskate at Kiddish about how their child is saving the Jewish people in secret ops. Personally, I wouldn't lie to my parents. I would've told my parents I was cooking Mana Chama on guard duty. But you make them proud, and you speak a better Hebrew than anybody else that came out of Torah Academy Day School. You are Nachis to your parents who still won't move to Israel. You love Mana Chama. And Mana Chama loves you. You are Nachis to chicken flavored noodles. I am not that brave. But I can thank you. Thank you. Todah Rabbah, if you know what that means. Postscript: This Ode is self-serving. I need it. I need it because I feel guilty. And the best way to deal with guilt is to throw it on others. In my heart, I am with you, but we all know what that means. It means I am not there. It means I am relaxing in America right now and going out for ice cream later. Good, fatty American ice cream. I am not on the front lines with our brothers and sisters in this constant battle for Shalom and good in our world. You are alone, lone and a loser, and we appreciate all you do for our people. As long as you remember that you're alone. Todah Rabbah vKol Hakavod Lachem The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke III: Terumah2/18/2024
Announcements
We have begun the new members campaign. In order to draw people to our community, we are going to get rid of our congregants. We realize that the problem with the shul is the members. We’re asking you not kick people out of every seat. The Makom Kavuahs are out of control. When somebody leaves our town, they relinquish their Makom Kavuah. To be clear: Felsenblum, who made Aliyah eight years ago, does not still have a Makom Kavuah. We respect people who made Aliyah. Shlomo is running for town board. Please put aside everything you know about him. We want him to have a fair chance at election. Upcoming Classes: How to Sit Quietly in Shul. How to Have People Like You. How to Not Annoy the Rabbi. How to Not Be Annoying to Potential Members. How to Not Tell Jokes That Chase People Away From Kiddish. How to Be Somebody People Want to Daven With. How To Pay Your Rabbi a Decent Salary. We ask members say the words of Tefillahs. Mumbling is out of control. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Temple tells you what gifts to give... No. It wouldn’t want your post-modern artwork. Nobody asked you to donate the sheet to the chapel. How the tie-dye fits into the chapel... Is the chapel's theme ‘lack of belief in Gd’? Then it would make sense the Pinkowitz family gave it tye-die... H' tells us how to make the Keruvim as well... There is a reason. I have seen the artwork of the children in our community. (25:18-20) The Keruvim have spread wings... Rashi teaches that they have to be spread up high. You would have them flapping down. Chilling with tie-dye shirts... H’ has to coach you on everything. Yes. If He didn't, we would end up with crayon drawings that make my fridge look bad... (25:21) ‘And the ark cover (Kaporet) goes on the ark, from above.’ Why H' has to spell this out... 'Ark cover.' It’s a cover. COVER!!! The board would’ve have had a meeting and covered it from below. Like a fool... Covers go on top. They’re covers. They cover things. Not like your shirt. This tie-dye thing... Are we living in the 80s? When did tie-dye become a thing in our shul? Legalization of marijuana... The car cover makes no sense... It's your only car. When it's covered you can't drive it. You have to uncover it to drive... That's why you're late for Minyin all the time. Let me coach you on some rules we have to follow for success in our shul... The congregants are annoying. The only way to get new members is to not have you guys here. No tie-dye. As we look at Shlomo's shirt, we know how ugly it is. And don't talk about Shlomo, it's not fair to his campaign. If anybody knows what we know about Shlomo it would be considered a smear campaign... I’ve seen him walking around in his tie-dye. Grateful Dead fan... No Makom Kavuahs. If everybody keeps up these permanent lifetime seats, we’re going to have no open seats in the shul. There’ll be 250 empty taken seats... Afterlife is not considered part of the lifetime plan. Just pay your dues for once... You kicked them out of every seat. One seat at a time. They went to the next seat and you kicked them out of there... You could've showed them an open seat. But you just kicked them out... Nobody was sitting there. We didn’t even have a Minyin. You can’t kick them out of every seat... Felsenblum hasn’t been here in eight years. It’s not his Makom Kavuah anymore... I understand you like extra arm space. But you have a chair with a watch on it. Does a watch need a chair??? You kicked out this guy... He was visiting. You told him the seat is taken and you put your watch on it. We need new members. That's why it's a 'new members campaign.' There is no apostrophe 's' in members. It doesn't belong to new people joining the shul. It is to get new people to take your spots... Your spots as members. So that the shul could have a membership the rabbi likes... If members showed up, maybe. They don't come to shul, and they still have seats... Even then, you don’t just kick out a new guy from everywhere. You didn’t even say anything. you just moved your finger at him... It’s threatening. I’m scared. Everybody should show up to the classes this week. Especially Bernie. How to Sit Quietly in Shul should be attended by the back left. No more mumbling the Davening. Gd thinks our whole congregation doesn't know how to annunciate. Other than when they're kicking somebody out of a seat... You mumble. There is no way you are saying anything... It's about covering stuff correctly, with Kavod. Treating the congregation right, with Kavod... Cover yourself when you sneeze. Rivka's Rundown It makes sense. Get rid of the old membership and new people might want to come to our shul, to be part of the community. Get rid of all of the members and tie-dye. I have seen the artwork in the rabbi's house. His kids are bad with Crayola. He has a right to be mad at his preschoolers. He has the ugliest fridge in the community. I think the rabbi was mad about the tie-dye and the lack of dress it has brought to the shul. When he was talking about covering the Aron, he was truly telling the congregants to cover themselves. I believe that’s why he stressed ‘Cover.' I am just happy he didn't talk about how we have to treat our bodies like a Temple and cover them. That would've been another twenty minutes on the sermon. He’s a seat kicker outer goon. He sees people come in and he just kicks them out. Just a selfish congregation. They never learned about Hachnasat Orchim. He kicked the guy out of the seat and put his watch on it, I have to say, it was cool to see Yankel kick these people out of every seat. One guy got rid of his membership, and Yankel still told the visitors the seat is taken. He kicked them out of the guy’s seat because he sat there eight years ago. And he’s doing it with his finger. He’s our enforcer. Yankel the enforcer. If I ever need a seat on a bus, I’m getting Yankel. The classes are just the rabbi’s complaints about Bernie. It’s a lot of mumbling. Pinny mumbles when you talk to him. Sometimes I think he’s praying when I ask him how he’s doing at Kiddish. We know too much about Shlomo. Even his Davening is annoying. I am not going to vote for him. He mumbles too loudly. It's annoying. If nobody understands his campaign speeches I will try to help and explain to people, 'Because he Davens.' It was tie-dye. Not a joke. Our chapel has tie-dye in it. We are not a remodern shul or whatever you call it. We are not any of the ‘re’s. The new members campaign was not successful. The membership was involved trying to get new members. Hence, we couldn't get rid of the old ones. It's a vicious cycle of the same members in our shul. The rabbi made it clear that he appreciates those who made Aliyah and moved to Israel, as he doesn't have to see them. He is the first rabbi I have ever met who started an anti-Zionist Aliyah campaign. His goal is to send all Jews of Congregation Anshei Beis Emes uSefilah to Israel, away from his community, to make it harder on Israel. To quote: 'I have dealt with them on the board. Good luck... Jewish Agency representative, please note, these people should never vote on anything. They have been on committees... They ruined my shul.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.
You're Introduced to the Family He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.' His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that. He Introduces You to His Brother Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?! You're His Plus One The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage. If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over. He Yells at You That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel. Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing. He Stops Getting the Car Door for You He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date. He Says He Loves Your Cooking You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it. He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship. He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work. He Posts a Picture of the Two of You He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care. A Lollipop on Shabbis That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works. He Starts Asking You for Stuff He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job. There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXX2/14/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see David’s thoughts on Israeli boardgames, puzzles and cards, while he complains about a rabbi trying to make the Super Bowl a beautiful Jewish experience, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames while our people are at war.
‘Encyclopedia.’ That doesn’t seem like a fun game... No. Learning can’t be fun. There’s a reason Encyclopedias don’t make boardgames. I’m starting to think these Israeli boardgames are tricky ways to get Frum kids to study. With games like ‘Torah and Commentary’ no wonder some kids don’t have decent aerobic conditioning... And that kid sitting on the top of a world of Trivia Pursuit cards looks off. No child enjoys reading that much.
The card game of Mitzvot between man and man. My friend didn’t let me win the game. Which is why he lost. He treated me wrong. That’s the tricky part of the game. You win when you lose... I question if teaching kids card games is a good way teach how to not take advantage of other people. I don't think charging five dollars for a deck of cards helps either.
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Sermons of Rebuke III: Mishpatim2/12/2024
Announcements
We apologize for our Gabai who likes to lead services. We’re now stuck with having to hear Moishie every Shacharit. We have no choice. He chooses himself to lead. We need ads for our Bulletin. It looks very not Jewish to have no ads. The shul is so out of shape. We saw a group picture from Tu BShvat. We thought the congregation should know how bad they look. We commend the Finkel Mishpacha for kicking the new members out of your seat. It shows gall and a courage that only a good Jew would have. Nobody else would show up at the end of services and tell other people they are wrong. Please be quieter when disciplining your kids. Many congregants are now worried they are doing something wrong due to very loud shushes. Shul learning program will be attended by four people. That’s it. We know. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mishpatim. Laws. We follow them... People who are not members of our shul follow them. There are rules. This isn’t one of our weekday Minyins where people do whatever they want... You can’t just lead because you feel like it. You can’t become Gabai to pick yourself every time... Yes. I feel like a slave to this shul. You should let me go... You have injured my soul. Serving this congregation has done damage to my Nishama. (Shemot 21:20) ‘If a man strikes his slave or maidservant with a rod and he shall die under his hand, he shall surely be avenged’... Will this shul ever be avenged for the death of the soul they have caused me... My slavery to this congregation... It’s a matter of where you fight. You have to be aware of your surroundings. (21:22) ‘If men fight and they hit a pregnant woman and she miscarries... he shall surely be punished...’ Why are you fighting in a nursery school?... The fight at Lamaze... Uncalled for... You must take responsibility. This isn't your dues, Simcha. It's about being held accountable. Culpable... Not cupable. I understand the Kiddish Dixie cups are not cupable. I am with you 100% Bernie. You can't drink out of those things. Tiny... (21:23-37) You pay Damages... You don’t let your ox go out and gore people. You don’t leave holes out in the middle of the street... Yes. the county should be sued for the potholes.... It's about rules and safety. And accountability. (22:1-3) If he’s tunneling into your house and he’s killed, that’s fine... We’re not talking about Chabad kids trying to get to a Mikvah... All slaves to people who don't want to work. People who don't want to try. People who take no responsibility. Is it even a Jewish bulletin? All Jewish printed form has ads. Mishpacha Magazine has no articles. Just ads... Because it's Jewish. That's how Jewish magazines are written. Ad form... Yes. That’s an announcement. You should know you’re out of shape. Accountability... You think I have a good metabolism. I'm Jewish. You treat people like slaves. It was the guy’s first Shabbis in the shul... You didn’t even wish him a Shabbat Shalom or a Hello. You just told him to get out... I don’t care how often you sit there. You sit there three minutes a Shabbis. You showed up two hours late. It was almost Kiddish... You say 'Shabbat Shalom.' And you wonder why your kids are nasty... You discipline your kids and the whole congregation thinks they did something wrong... Your kids are still talking and yelling at each other. Pulling hair. Your shush is so loud... Even Finkel doesn’t shush that loud to people sitting in his seat... Even Bernie stopped talking. That’s how scary your shush was... Take responsibility for your Shushes. Fran lost her hearing from it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi considers it slavery to have to answer questions from Fran and Ethel. To see Bernie kills his soul. Our congregants get in fights everywhere. I think the fight at Lamaze happened when Michel asked Shloimy if his wife was pregnant. Shloimy said, 'How dare you say that.' The potholes are real bad. Somebody has to redo the shul parking lot. The fact that the board is blaming the city for that has many of us questioning. The Gabai just gets up and leads. Nobody can protest, as they’re not the Gabai. He even gives himself the Aliyahs to the Torah. He calls himself up. 'Ani Ben Abba Sheli.' You protest, the Gabai asks, 'Do you want to do it?' And then people let hm lead everything. He's like the Pinzkowitz kids and their Anim Zemirot. The part of the sermon that spoke most to me was the taking responsibility lesson, and the Kiddish cups not being cupable. It’s true. Only ads. The whole magazine is ads. Every Jewish paper and magazine just has ads. Except our bulletin. I think we should advertise who paid dues. There would be at least one ad. I know the Simchovitz family paid dues. They're a bunch of fools. We're the most out of shape congregation. Habgah is pathetic. We have to have two congregants lift the Torah together. That's how weak we've become. Finkel just walked over to the guy and said, ‘Get out. My seat.’ The guy had never been to our congregation. He and his kids just took the only open seats. They didn't know it was Finkel. Rest of Davening they just stood in back. That's how they were welcomed to our shul. Standing in the back in protest. Kicked out and standing in the back. Thanks to Finkel, I don't think we've had a new member in three years. I respect Finkel’s ability to kick people out of his seat. No name on it. I don’t even think Finkel pays dues. The courage of Finkel. It’s an example. These parents are so threatening with their looks and shushes. I got scared with the shush. I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I wasn’t even talking. I felt like the twenty-two-year-old was parenting me. I was so afraid of making noise, I stayed seated the rest of Davening, and I started eating green beans. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
|
That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)
Categories
All
Archives
April 2024
|
4/16/2024
0 Comments