Jewish Puns XX: Mordechai’s Shivim Punim LaTorah

My friend donated to FIDF. He must be very mad at the Israeli army. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? FIDF is Friends of the IDF. I mistook that for F-IDF. FIDF supports the Israeli defense forces. If he‘d have said he was giving money to F the IDF, that‘d be different.

They said I have to do Kiddish BMakom Seudah. But I wanted the meal too. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? That means to make Kiddish in the place you are eating the meal. BMakom means 'in the place of.' I thought they meant to make Kiddish instead of the Seudah. Nothing like a bilingual pun.

Midrash teaches Paroh was short. But how do we know he was 12 inches tall? He was the ruler of Mitzrayim. (Mordechai)
You get it? A ruler. 12 inch measuring stick. Ruler. Paroh was a ruler. The ruler pun is a classic. It is so versatile. Always tickles the funny.

The IDF wanted reserves, but they got puffed pastries. They asked for Miliumniks. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Milui means fill. Miluimnikim sounds like puffed hors d'oeuvres (Mimulaim). It almost sounds like Mimulaim. Enough so. I am sure somebody thinks they sound a bit the same. There must be somebody. Nobody would be fighting if pigs in blankets were being served. Sometimes, a good pun is there to teach you another language. This pun should be required reading in Ulpan.
 
The eighth plague was the least expensive one. It was locust. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? If someone with poor speech patterns says it, this pun works. Say locust very slow with improper speech and it sounds like ‘low cost.‘ Though, emphasis has to be on 'cust.' It's not LOcust but loCOst. That's how you have to say it. We will be putting out guides on how to pronounce puns correctly.
 
He was sitting at the Seder on Tu Bshvat alone. Sarah, said he should have a date. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A date is a fruit. It’s also a date, like going out with somebody. Everybody does this pun. It’s tradition. We’ll do the date puns too. Just wait till Rosh Hashana. We'll use them then too. Even if it means having to add another Siman that has nothing to offer in Hebrew, we will do it for the sake of the pun. We are committed to Mitzvahs.

Jews said the new statue at the stadium was forbidden, as it was standing idle. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Idol and idle. Idols stand idle. They don‘t move. They‘re also forbidden. As we learn in the Parsha, there's only one Gd. Gd doesn't stand idle. In order to understand this pun, you must know Jewish philosophy.