Scene 1
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY
The shul president is talking to the secretary of the shul. Rabbi is passing by and stands in on conversation.

President: We need more money.

Secretary: How do we get it?

President: Death. Focus on death. That's where the money is. People give money when their loved ones die.

Secretary: We have a memorial plaque board.

President: We can be doing so much better with dead people. Memorial money. But we need more. More death.

Secretary: We can focus on dues.

President: Nobody pays dues. They pay for death. Your sermons rabbi. More death. We're focusing too much on Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. We need more of a death focus.

Secretary: But Simchas are nice.

President: Yes. They're nice. But they don't bring in the money. Death brings in the bucks.

Secretary: But they rent the hall?

President: Has anybody ever donated a hall for a Simcha? Not until the couple dies. Then they donate it.

Rabbi: I have never seen anybody buy a plaque for a Simcha. But it is important to celebrate.

President: Exactly. We are going to celebrate death. Plaques are bought when the family dies.

Rabbi: It's a shame we don't send out Yahrzeit letters to the families, to let them know the shul is commemorating their loved one. And so they should say Kaddish.

Secretary: Why?

President: Money. You remind them their parents died and they give you money.

Rabbi: Yahrzeits are about legacy and showing respect for those who gave us life.

President: And the family remembering to pay the shul. We can capitalize on that. Write it in. "Commemorate your loved one's Yahrzeit with a plaque."

Rabbi: What about Kaddish?

President: If they give enough money, they don't have to worry about that.

DISSOLVE TO

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
They are walking around the shul. Conversation continues with the three of them walking. Secretary pulls out a pad and starts taking notes.

President: Dedication plaques We need more.
Going around the shul, the president points out different locations without plaques. President is surprised and disgusted.
Mechitzah. The Goldberg Mechitzah. Plaque on it. Call them. Remind them their grandfather is dead.

Secretary: But the Goldbergs don't like the Mechitzah.

Rabbi: Exactly. They want it higher. We can charge them for that. Their Great Zayde hated looking at the women's hats.

President: Let's move. There is more. The door. Get it down. We have doors with no plaques.

Secretary: We can't put a plaque on everything.

President: Yes we can. Don't think small. Think big. Think death.

Secretary: What about asking for donations?

President: A donation means nothing without a plaque. A donation is eighteen-dollars. A plaque Eighteen-Thousand.

Secretary: Is it always eighteen?

Rabbi: Yes. Jews count in eighteens.

President: And that's how they donate. It goes from eighteen to a plaque at eighteen-thousand.
They continue walking.
The bathroom. No plaque on it. That's a door.

Secretary: The bathroom? You want it to say "The Grossman Family Bathroom"?

President: I don't care. Get a name on there. Grossman is always in there during Musaf. Charge him for it. Maybe give him a lifetime stall. The Maurice Grossman Stall. In honor of his parents who passed.
The president looks at the rabbi.
Speech donations.

Secretary: But we can't put a plaque on it.

President: We'll put a plaque on the lectern. The Shtender will have a brass panel reading somebody died.

They keep walking and pass the kitchen. Secretary is not taking notes now. Just listening.

President: Why is there no plaque on the fridge? I open it. No plaque.

Secretary: It's just a fridge.

Rabbi: It's not just a fridge. We serve Kiddish out of this holy vessel.

President: Exactly. It's a holy vessel and people are deceased. It's in a shul. Somebody will donate it. Plaque each shelf.

Secretary: What about the vegetable bins?

Rabbi: The Feigenblooms are vegetarians.

President: Get them to plaque it.
Looking at the secretary.
Why did you stop taking notes? People are dead. Write it down.
Tablecloth. No plaque on it.

Secretary: But it's a plastic tablecloth.

President: Plaque it. Find out who's passed away and get their name on it.

Rabbi: What about the Lutz Mishpuchi for a donation? They have money to give.

Secretary: But they haven't died.

President: Not yet. Give them a plaque.

Secretary: I think tablecloths and covers will be hard to plaque. Can we do stitching? Like on the Torah covers and the Shtenders.

Rabbi: Stitching is OK. We tried plaques on the Torahs. But that took away from the Torah breastplates. The breastplate shouldn't read "Gd and the Finkelman family." Stitching on the Torah covers is the best.

Secretary: Thank you rabbi. So stitch is fine.

President: Only on Torahs. Otherwise, we need the full plaque money. And we need a Pushke plaque. Call the Pintzkowitz family. The Pintzkowitz Family Pushke.

Rabbi: But then everybody will think the charity is going to the Pintzkowitz family.

President: With the money their paying for the Tzedakah box, that's fine.
What about speeches? I still think we can get a plaque on your sermons.

THE END

Kibbitzer Conclusion
The plastic tablecloths didn't go over. Nobody wanted to eat on the Bernie Finkelman Funeral Disposable Plastic.
They weren't able to get the freezer donated in memory of anybody. The Sherwitz Mishpuchi felt that it was the wrong thing to put their grandmother in a freezer.
After much discussion and the rabbi having to put a new plaque on himself every week during his Drasha speeches, the shul decided it's best if sermon sponsorships get put in print, in the announcements. Same with Kiddish and Seudah Shelishit sponsorships. It was decided that choolante should not have plaques in it. To quote Shaindy, "Choolante with a plaque in it is almost as dangerous as a Shlissel Challah."

The shul found ways to get up plaques everywhere.
The shul did end up getting up a plaque in the parking lot. "The Samuel Berman Parking Lot In Memory of A Man Who Never Drove to Shul on Shabbat. Always Making Sure to Park Two Blocks Away."
All was successful. The shul got a plaque on the IKEA bookcase. Brought up the price of the bookcase from a two-hundred-dollars to eighteen-thousand.
The shul made a point of taking nobody off their donation lists. The Goldbergs have recently complained that their Bubbie is dead, and she cannot donate money from Olam Haba.

The rabbi was ribbed for his announcements. To quote the president: "To many Mazel Tovs. We need more condolences."
The words "we should only know of Simchas" was never uttered by the rabbi again. The shul pulled in a lot of money and the rabbi got a raise.

The Grossmans never shared the bathroom. They ended up donating it, and then they put a lock on it.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
After a full conversation with his children right outside of  the entrance to the shul, at full volume, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying.

Sam: I didn't distract anybody.

Member 5: This is distracting.

Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin.

Sam: No I didn't.

Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. 

Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.'

Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening.
 
Member 1: That was disruptive.

Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. That distracted me.

Sam: I went to the hall to not disrupt.

Member 1: In the hall you got louder. You shouted, 'At least here I can talk at a normal level.'

Member 4: Sam. Your normal level is whatever we can hear while we're trying to Daven.

Member 3: You told your son, 'I can't stand those guys in the Minyin. I had to leave because they're Davening is bothering me. I can't hear you in there.'

Member 1: You stood right there.
Member 1 points to a foot outside the door.
You were right there.

Member 3: The door was open.

Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. Then he said, 'I'm outside the shul now.'

The Chazin gives up and storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader.

Sam: What's with him?!

Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY   (FLASHBACK to FIVE MINUTES EARLIER)
A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock.
You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people.  Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Stands a foot outside the shul.

Sam (Out of Scene from the hall - loud): They're so loud in there.

Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening?

Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call.

Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls.

You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation.
The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead, showing frustration. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated.

Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. And he hasn't moved. He is right at the door. That's not the hall.

Member 3: It's the hall. Just kind of in the shul too. Why is he talking so loud?

Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him.

Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?!

Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell.

Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project.

There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again.

Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha.

Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me?

Member 3: I think it's a grandkid.

Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening.

Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.'

Scene 3
INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY
After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder.

Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer.

Member 5: Silence is relative to age.

Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud.

There is head nodding of agreement.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. There was a very long conversation about that during services. That was the conclusion.
The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven.
And the Minyin is still trying to figure out why the older members of the congregation get so loud on the phone. Member 3 hypothesized that the rotary phones didn't have as good of reception.

Scene
EXT - CAR - DAY

The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation.
David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. 
The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David.

Mechanic: ​You must to have Emunah. Faith.

David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car.

Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem.

David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car?

Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush.

David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America.

Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush.

David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: I have Emunah.

David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car?

Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah.

David: I don't have time to relax.

Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah.

David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah.

David is leaving the car.

David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car.
I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah.

I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more.

The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot.

Scene 1
INT - BASKETBALL STADIUM - NIGHT

Rushing to their seats. Entering the stadium.

Shlomo: Got to get to our seats. We don't want to miss anything.

They sit down. Seats are high and far from the center of the court, behind the Hapoel basketball bench area. Not great seats. 

Shlomo: Do you see?

Mike: Kind of hard. The seats are a bit far from the court. 

Shlomo: Amar'e Stoudemire is wearing Tzitzis. 

Mike: Seriously???!!! He's wearing a Kippah. This is amazing. Kippah and Tzitzis. This is the best game I've ever been at.

We see Amar'e sitting on the bench with Tzitzis and a Kippah, in nice clothes (not a jersey).

Shlomo: Did Hapoel just score?

Mike: I have no idea. Amar'e put up his feat. He's wearing Shabbis shoes.
(Mike cont'd) Why is Amar'e not playing?

Shlomo: You can't play in his Tzitzis.

Mike: I get it.

Fans jump out of their seats and start cheering. Some of the fans are jumping right in front of Mike and Shlomo.

Fans Cheering: Hapoel Oleh Oleh Oleh. Hapoel Oleh.
(Fans continue cheering)

Shlomo: Did Amar'e just kiss his Tzitzis?

Mike: I don't know. I think said a Bracha on Gatorade.

Fan 1: Hapoel Aloofim. Zeeh best.

Mike (to Fans in front of them): Please sit.

Fan 2: I'm not even sitting in front of you.

Mike is looking towards the bench. Not the court.

Mike: You're obstructing our view. We can't see Amar'e. Please move.

Shlomo: Yeah. He's right there. Scootch. 

Fans Cheering: Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach. Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoyoy...

Shlomo: This is the best game I've ever been to.

Mike: A religious experience.

The fans are walking out. Hapoel Jerusalem fans are all cheering.

Mike: Did Hapoel win?

Shlomo: I have no idea. Amar'e had Tzitzis and Kippah.

Mike: Those were great seats. I would even pay to see him stand.

Mike turns to random fan.

Mike: Did Hapoel win?

Fan 3: I came to see Amar'e.

Shlomo: Great game.

Fan 3: I know.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY

Rabbi is giving Shabbis sermon and everybody is listening. Shlomo and Mike are sitting in shul.

Rabbi: And we are commanded to return to H.' It was the most inspirational thing I had ever seen. Amar'e Stoudemire had a yarmulke on.

Random Congregant: Did he play?

Rabbi: No. But he was sitting there with a yarmulke.

Shlomo: Inspirational.

Mike: I know.

They walk over to the rabbi as the rabbi takes his seat.

Mike: That sermon really touched me.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
It's more exciting to see Amar'e Stoudemire with a Kippah, on the bench, than to see him playing basketball.
Jews would pay thousands for front row seats to see an NBA player that's Jewish. It's almost as exciting as hearing somebody say 'Good Shabbis' on TV. It's about the religious experience. And most of the fans at the game missed davening Mariv with a Minyan.

This is exactly the scene at the shul we were at for Taanit Esther. No moral to the story. Just a great scene with the characters from the shul. A great scene for the kids at the day school to act out. 

Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody in the shul has been fasting all day. They're hungry and at shul for Mincha, the afternoon prayer. Nobody is happy. They walk into shul a schlumpy. They grunt at each other.

Congregant 1: Ahhhhh.  

Congregant 2: Ahhhh. Been working all day at the factory. The fast is killing me.

Congregant 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7: Food.

Congregan 3 walks in, the only cheery guy.

Congregant 3: The fast is about Teshuva. Repentance. It's about being with people and getting along. Rebuilding the Beit Hamikdash through love of your fellow Jew.

Congregant 2: I can't stand this guy. 

Congregant 3: You're supposed to feel good.

Everybody looks at Congregant 3 not happily, and grunt.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
​
Everybody is in the middle of the silent prayer, the Amidah, and saying the additional prayer of penitence for H' to answer us on this day of our fast, the Aneiny prayer. Somebody says the beginning of the prayer out loud, to remind people to say the additional prayer and to show off that he remembered to say it.

Congregant 4: Aneinu H' Aneinu.

Everybody acknowledges. Congregant 4, and give him a thumbs up or a fist of approval. They continue praying the silent prayer. Congregant 4 smiles with self-contentment and pride.
All continue praying. From the hallway, you hear a big crunch. Definitely potato chips. It's heard by everybody, while they are praying. Another crunch is heard. People start looking at each other and get back to praying. Another crunch is heard. All of their prayers are interrupted. They can't concentrate. The guy starts eating faster and louder. People are looking at each other. You start to hear the bag now crumpling. He hear the guy crunching more on the chips. You then hear the crescendo, the guy drinking the rest of the chips. There is silence for a second, everybody gets back to the Amidah, silent prayer. Congregant 2 finished the Amidah and walks over to Congregant 1. You hear another crunch.

Congregant 2: They're happy.

The sound of the rest of the bag crumpling is heard. People are interrupted in their prayer again and show frustration, looking at each other. There is a moment of silence. They are all back praying the Amidah with Kavanah, intent. Twenty seconds later, you hear another chip going into the mouth with a loud crunch.
The crunching continues at a fast pace. Everybody is finished and walks towards the door.

Scene 3
INT - SHUL HALLWAY - DAY

Baruch, the one that has been eating, is sitting outside opening another bag of chips. He has three bags open out there. Another crunch is heard. Baruch is sitting outside the door of the shul, in the hallway, has a table setup right there, full of food and drinks. The Minyin (the men praying) walk outside and see the guy. He is now spreading peanut butter on celery and an apple. 

Congregant 1: It's Baruch.

Congregant 5: Do you eat anything silent? Maybe a rugulach? 

Congregant 6: He has Kichel there.

Congregant 2: Can we get some of that?

Baruch: It's a fast day. How can you even think about eating? It's shameful.

Congregant 5: You're eating.

Baruch: You have to wait till the fast is over. I'm sick. I have to eat. The doctor said I need the nutrients.

Congregant 2: Then why are you eating chips?

Baruch: Are these not nutrients? Look at the bag. There's a box that says 'nutrients' right here. And look. Celery and apples. 

Congregant 1: But you're eating chips.

Congregant 5: Should he be eating nutritious food? It's a fast day.

Scene 4
INT - SHUL - DAY

Everybody goes back into the shul. The Chazin begins the repetition of the prayer, outloud. Baruch keeps on eating. Takes a bite of the celery.
​
Congregant 1: Everything he eats is loud.

Congregant 5: You can't have Kavanah (proper intent) when Baruch is eating.

You hear Baruch start chewing his apple, and you see him smiling. The happiest man on the fast day, as he is sick.
 
Congregant 3: That’s how you’re supposed to be on a fast day.
 
We pan back outside and we see Baruch eating chips again.

​Kibbitzer Conclusion
Eating outside the shul on a fast day is the next level of funny. Hearing the chips added another layer to the regular scene of angry people. Brilliant timing. All these fatigued people and they hear this guy outside munching on the food. 
Being sick on a fast day is not that bad. It also interrupts Minyin.
Don't try to talk about repentance or love of your fellow man on a fast day. People only want to talk about the day being done. Nobody causes hatred of Jews more than a happy guy on a fast day. That is what causes baseless hatred and why the Temple was destroyed.
In the end, Congregant 3 was hungry. Something about hearing chips brings hunger.
Nobody feels better than the guy who calls out the Aneinu or the Yaleh vYavo when it's Rosh Chodesh. You can feel that pride when they call it out. The people who said the Aneinu silently feel like idiots for not calling it out, when they could've been a star. The shul pride lasts for days. Almost as much pride as the guy who clops the table to scare everybody into saying the Yaleh vYavo.
Happiness for the congregants started after Megillah reading, when people started eating. They still grunted at each other.

Scene 1
INT - PLAYHOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT

The community is standing in front of the theater, talking. Nancy and Mark are a couple in their thirties. Nancy is trying to hide from all the people they know from shul.

Random Woman: Shalom guys.

Nancy turns to Mark.

Nancy: Is this a community event or a play?

Mark: I feel like I'm at shul right now.

Nancy: You should've just went to Minyin. Now you're going to have to do Mariv (the evening prayer service) here.

Mark: Shoot. There's the rabbi. Let's get our seats.

Scene 2
INT - PLAYHOUSE THEATER - NIGHT

Sitting before the play, Beauty and the Beast, the couple sees a friend in the playbill. The friend is a random girl.

Nancy: What are we doing here?

Mark: Supporting our friends.

Nancy: Is this going to be good?

Mark: Our friends are in it.

Nancy: Then why are we here?

Mark: Our friends are in it. It's a play that our friends are in. They invited us.

Nancy: We didn't show up to their house for dinner last Friday night. They invited us to that. Last time we were at one of these, we saw Rachel playing Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof.

Mark: That's what makes community theater great.

Nancy: The fiddler. Tevye. He is a man.

Mark: It's creativity. She was a good fiddler. We would have never seen a woman playing Tevye...

Nancy: She doesn't even play violin.

Mark: Creativity.

Nancy: We saw Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. Amazing costumes. Actors sing beautifully. They're holding masks on their face.

Mark: But they're not your friends.

Nancy: But they're talented.

In the middle of the play, Random Woman is waving to Nancy. Nancy waves back, and shows a little post-hello frustration. Mark shows Nancy the playbill.

Mark: Look at this. Rachel is in it.

Nancy: I think the pot is a woman. I hope Mrs. Potts is a woman.

Mark: It would be so much better if Baruch played Mrs. Potts. It's the creativity.

Nancy: If they really are our friends, they wouldn't have charged us to come to something they invited us to.

Mark: Look. The Candle has a Kippah.

Nancy: That's what excites you?

Mark: Yes. That's a Jewish production. Creativity.

Nancy: The rabbi should be in it.

Mark: Exactly.

Nancy leaves in frustration. An hour and a half later, sitting at the community event. Nobody is enjoying the play, but they are all showing their support. The big scene of reveal of the Beast comes, and the Beast's mask comes off. Everybody is amazed and excited.

Mark: That's Baruch. I know Baruch.

Nancy: Baruch is the Beast?

Random Guy: I know Baruch too.

Nancy: Hey Baruch.

Baruch has his time as a star, for the local members of the shul. He's the talk at Kiddish that week.

Scene 3
INT - PLAYHOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT

Huge group of people talking in the hallway.

Random Guy 2 (announces): Minyin. We need two more for Maariv.

Mark (to Nancy): It was worth it. At least I caught Minyin.

Mark goes to join Minyin. NonJewish Friend from Work goes to Nancy.

NonJewish Friend: Why are they praying in the corner? It's a Jewish event. 

Nancy: There might not be anti-Semites here. But it's hard to like these people.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
Nobody was bothered by Mark and Nancy talking. Their conversation seemed to be more exciting than seeing Rachel play a candle.
You go to the community play to show support for your friends. You don't go to enjoy yourself. You go to see your friends in the play and to talk to all the people you saw at Kiddish last Shabbat.
The great thing is that they have the artistic license in community theater.
Beauty and the Beast on Broadway is a great play, with amazing actors. A spectacle. You see it in community theater and the most exciting thing is seeing your friend. If you're lucky, the evening becomes more exciting when you go out with the cast for ice cream. Your friends that invited you to the play make you pay for the ice cream too.
Mrs. Potts was played by Shlomo. That was Mark's favorite part of the play, and when Nancy took a twenty minute break, in frustration. Nancy was also very mad having to see this poor effort after seeing Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. To now have to see the woman who sits next to her in shul holding her mask, on stage, in her hand the whole play.

Scene
INT – COFFEE SHOP – NIGHT

Shlomo, a religious Jew, sitting in a coffee shop with his friend, Sarah. The waitress comes over and Shlomo points to the menu.

Shlomo: Is it Kosher?

Sarah (in undertone): He's doing it again... Does he have to?

Waitress: What's Kosher?

Shlomo: I don't know. Is it?

Waitress: I don't know. What does Kosher mean?

Shlomo: Kosher started in the times of the Bible. Gd gave the Jews dietary laws to live by. You cannot cook a kid in its mother's milk. You can't eat milk and meat together. You can't eat an animal without split hooves. You have to...

Sarah: What does any of this have to do with a cafe, Shlomo? It's a vegan cafe. You're like a Jewish missionary.

Shlomo (Cont): You have to tithe. There's batel Bshishim, if it's milk that falls in the meat. One sixtieth. You mix it right away. Are they mixing in the back of the restaurant? A lot of mixing? All the time, stirring? Are the Hot Toddies stirred?

Sarah: What are you trying to make her religious for? It's vegan. Just order. 

Shlomo: I need to know if the coffee is Kosher. If a rabbi is not checking it, we don't know that the vegan place is vegan.

Sarah: You were educating her. Stop and order. She has customers. It's a vegan cafe.

Shlomo: You have to teach in order to know if you can drink the coffee.

Waitress: So you want the coffee?

Shlomo: I need to know if it's kosher.

Waitress: I still don't know what kosher is. 

Shlomo: I shouldn't be here. You see. We just wanted coffee. It's a nice place and...

Waitress: Coffee is not Kosher?

Shlomo: I don't know.

Waitress: If you don't know, how am I supposed to know? I definitely don't know.

Sarah: We'll take coffee.

Shlomo: I don't know.

Waitress: I don't if you should be here. Are you sure you should be here, Sir. I have other customers that should be eating here, because they don't keep Kosher.

Shlomo: Kosher is a rabbi's approval.

Waitress: I don't know any rabbis. What approval?

Shlomo: A symbol. It's a big 'O' with a letter in it. You can see it on the box.

Waitress goes to ask her boss. Shlomo is oblivious to the fact that he will only be spending $1.50, and that doesn't help the cafe very much. Other customers are staring at this spectacle, waiting for the waitress.

Sarah: You do this every time.

Shlomo: What?

Sarah: Ask if it's Kosher.

Shlomo: What's wrong with that? I keep Kosher.

Sarah: It's coffee. You just buy it and drink it.

Shlomo: Well. I do that after I know if it's Kosher.

Sarah: Just do your research before you go out.
(Sarah Cont) The waitress will never want to serve a Jew again.

Shlomo: As long as they're not eating Treif.

Sarah: They won't eat anything. They'll sit there with their hands up waiting for the waitress, and she will never come, because you had to find out if the coffee is Kosher.

Shlomo: Let's say the cup was used for soup, and the soup was crab soup?

Sarah: How is the waitress supposed to answer that?

Shlomo: Exactly.
(Shlomo Cont) Next time take me to a Kosher place.

Sarah: This is Kosher. It's coffee!
(Sarah Cont) I'm sure the Kosher place has coffee too. Are you going to ask them to bring in the rabbi to assure you that it's Kosher? I can't go anywhere with you.

Shlomo: You can go to Kosher shops with me.
(Sarah puts hand to head and shakes her head to show embarrassment) 
Shlomo (Cont): Why does this embarrass you?

Sarah: I'm Jewish too. It's my people.

Shlomo: The waitress doesn't know that.

Sarah: Thank Gd.

Twenty minutes later, waitress comes back.

Waitress: It's kosher.

Shlomo: I'll take the coffee.

Waitress: That's it?

Shlomo: Yep.

Sarah: Why don't you take anything else? She just spent twenty minutes finding out if it's kosher.

Shlomo: Nothing else is Kosher.

Sarah: Next time order water. Just order water, and don't ask. It will be less embarrassing.

Waitress: Should I check into the other stuff.

Shlomo: Did the sugar come in a box?

Waitress: I believe so.

Shlomo: Can we see the box? It would be good to see the box. 

Waitress leaves.

Sarah: What can be wrong with sugar?

Shlomo: You just saw, there could be a problem with coffee. Maybe there's a problem with sugar too. The processing factory. They might process lard.

Sarah: I have to do research before taking you for coffee. So that I can tell you to stop.

Waitress comes back with the box. Shlomo takes off his glasses and starts searching the box. All of the customers are looking at the spectacle.

Sarah: It's like he works he now.

Shlomo: It's good. Has the symbol.

Waitress: There's the Kosher symbol. The 'O.'

Shlomo: That's registered. 

Random Customer: Honey. They're bringing out the boxes.
(Random Customer turns to Waitress)
Can I see the ingredients to the gravy? I sometimes get acid reflux. By the way, how do you make the gravy? The ingredients would be good.

Sarah: See what you started.

Chef comes out.

Random Customer: How do you make the gravy?

Shlomo: That's a good question. And he's not even Jewish.

Chef: I've been in the restaurant business for eighteen years...

Shlomo puts on a baseball hat.

Sarah: Now you put on the hat.

Kibbitzer's Conclusion
He checked the package. That's the next level. 
It kills the restaurant allure when us religious Jews end up going to kitchen to make sure it's Kosher. Jews look like their working in the restaurant when they start asking the Kosher questions and checking the boxes.
It's got to be a shock to be working behind a counter and to have a random person ask you what you use to make the ice cream. Sarah understands that. Yet, it's a dilemma; we have to eat. So, we go in and check out the ice cream. I have a feeling that the staff in the service industry thinks that all Jews are inspectors. We come and inspect everything. They yell to the back of the kitchen that Jews are here, and they scrub down the place.

It's safer to eat at a Kosher coffee house. It causes less anti-Semitism. If he would've had on the baseball hat the whole time, she would've thought he was a Catholic that keeps Kosher. Less anti-Semitism.
Sarah was very embarrassed. Shlomo felt at home making a deal to get his coffee. Which is how we know that Shlomo is a better Jew.

We were bothered to find out that Shlomo only left a ten percent tip. He said that was the expected amount in these parts. Very bothersome. He should've left a 200% tip on the $1.50. And Shlomo stole all the SweeN' Low. He told Sarah that his grandparents used to do that, and it's family tradition. And tradition is the foundation of our people.

Scene
INT – SHUL – NIGHT

Speech just ended and it is open to questions, known as the Q&A part of the speech. The Microphone Person goes around with the microphone to the people. His official name is Microphone Person. The shul made up a rule that there's no microphone line, as the whole room would be on it. Standing in a line to get up to that microphone. Everybody has something to say.

Microphone Person: We have a question from Mrs. Goldman.

Mrs. Goldman: That was a great speech. I love your new book. Saw the cover. Looks great. We follow you.

Microphone Person: Would you like to ask a question?

The speaker gestures appreciation.

Mrs. Goldman: I am very pro-Israel. I love it. I have a lot of friends there. My children learned in Yeshiva there. Great falafel place in Herzliya. I love it. I have a grandson in the army. Tzahal is great. My granddaughter finished her service last year. I am very proud of her. She is now going to Bar Ilan University. Thank you.

Microphone Person: Anything else.

Mrs. Goldman: That’s my question. Thank you.

People sitting there give her a thumbs up and applaud her brilliant question. The speaker’s eyes open wide in wonderment.

Microphone Person: Next question?

Mr. Sadlowitz: What Israel is doing is wrong. I have never been there, but it is wrong. They should give land to the natives. Reparations have not been handed out. It’s an apartheid state.

Speaker: I believe you have Israel mixed up with the US and South Africa.

Mr. Sadlowitz: It's wrong. That's my question.  Thank you.

Microphone Person: We have time for one more question.

Five more people get up without questions. Just statements. 

Speaker shows frustration, as he hasn’t spoken for twelve minutes and this is his speech. He sits down. Without him answering questions, the Q&A continues. The rest of the community gets up to share their opinions about Israel. Microphone person walks over to Dr. Fishbaum. Dr. Fishbaum takes the microphone and walks towards the front of the room, taking over the presentation.

Dr. Fishbaum: It would've been good if you were from Israel.

Speaker: Yes. That was what my speech was about.

Dr. Fishbaum: You should’ve said it.

Speaker: I did. I started by saying I live in Israel.

Dr. Fishbaum: I didn’t hear it.

Bernie Finkelman: Good point Fishbaum. Exactly.

Bernie Finkelman gives Fishbaum a thumbs up and a nod of acquiescence. Dr. Fishbaum turns around and receives nods of approvals from all the congregants. Some mouth that they didn’t hear it either. The speaker is shocked. He has received no questions and he is being blamed for not saying what he said.

Speaker: Can I go?

Microphone Person: Yeah. That’s fine. I can field the rest of the questions.

Kibbitzer's Conclusion
At the Q&A the members of the shul get up and give their speech. We have seen this countless times. We have never heard a question during the question-answer part of the speech.
​Guest speakers should not allow for the Q&A in the Jewish community.
The speaker is never ready for the congregants' speeches. We have also never seen a speaker who knew how to respond to being blamed for not saying what they said.
We believe the guest speaker was not happy that people didn't listen to him, and still argued with him.

​Scene 1
INT - JCC GYM - Day

The exercise machines are all taken up. Bernie, a seventy-five-year-old man who just started coming to the gym, is waiting to get on the abdominal crusher machine. Max, an eighty-eight-year-old man, is sitting there with his hands on the overhead pulling handles. Bernie is sweating. We assume you understand that they're older Jewish men, so they sweat.

Max: You're shvitzing like an animal. What have you been doing?

Bernie: I've been standing. 

Max: I understand. I'm sweating right now, and I'm sitting.

Bernie: What are you doing on that machine? You've been there for ten minutes.

Max: I'm sitting. It's very comfortable.

Bernie: So you're just sitting there? I thought you were supposed to work out. Move the arm things.

Max: They're working out.

Bernie: That's true. Those people are working out. You've got a good spot. Can see the whole gym from here. How are the kids?

Max: They're supposed to be visiting for my eighty-first this summer. You should know of such goodness. They're doing so good. I'm so proud of them. Schepping nachis over here. The grandkids, the kinder, are also doing very well. One just got into Princeton. Starting next week.

Bernie: That's great. My youngest is moving to New Jersey with his family. The second is now in Israel.

A line of the people, that they were watching working out five minutes ago, has formed near the machine . Justin has his towel and is jogging in place, to not cooldown. Max is well relaxed on the machine.

Max: You don't say? I remember when I was in Israel. It was 1967 just before the Six Day War. Very hot.

Bernie: You sweat like anything in the summers over there.

Max: That's a shvitz. You want a good workout? You go to Israel. Spend some time in Tel Aviv.

Justin: We've been waiting for this machine. Just wanted to know when you'll be finished with it.

Max: A few minutes. We'll be done with our conversation soon. You know. His kids are doing great. Much nachis.
Max turns to Bernie.
Bernie. You want to sit for a couple? You've been waiting for a while. 

Justin turns to the other people waiting. Rachel, a younger woman, is there too.

Rachel: I think he's just resting his arms on the handles. 

​Justin: He just fell asleep.

Scene 2
INT - JCC LOCKER ROOM - EVENING

Half hour after sitting on four more machines, to get in the full workout, Bernie and Max are sitting on the benches by the locker.

Bernie: You want we should go to the shvitz?

Max: I've already been to Tel Aviv.
Max is sitting and content (cont'd)
You know. This feels just like those machines in the gym.

Kibbitzer's Conclusion
We at the Kibbitzer have a feeling that Justin doesn't understand what people are supposed to do at the JCC gym.
And on their way out, Max and Bernie caught up with the rest of the community. After a good five hours at the gym, Max shvitzed for eight minutes. Bernie is still shvitzing from talking to people.