I have learned much about myself since law stated that I can't be friendly anymore. Here is some of what I learned, and how it doesn't fit my Jewish community lifestyle. 

I Like Seeing People's Faces
I have no idea what people are thinking under those masks. And if they can't see what I am saying, everything I say offensive. I have to learn how to stop being sarcastic. It's not going to happen. Till masks are not allowed, I have to stop talking. 

I Can't Meet A Girl With a Mask
I didn't realize how shallow I am. I met a girl, we went for dinner, she took off her mask and it was a totally different person. I imagined wider nose and a mouth that looked horrendous. It was horrendous. I now understand why the groom unveils the bride before agreeing to marry her. You see just the eyes, and... I never knew how much a mouth can throw off a decent set of eyes.
Everybody looks good with a mask. For Shidduchim, there has to be a no mask rule. For singles it is the worst. It's like a bait-and-switch. The eyes are always good. They take off the mask and it's like one of those messed up mix-and-match face cards.
Nobody looks better without a mask. You can only look worse. From the eyes, it can only get worse.

I Can't Breathe in A Mask
By me, not wearing a mask is Pikuach Nefesh. It saves my life. And I can't see. They also fog my glasses. There is more of a chance of me ending up in ER from More of walking into a building then COVID. Not wearing masks saves me from doing something stupid.
No idea how doctors do it. The final test to be a surgical candidate must be sticking somebody underwater for five minutes and blindfolding them. If they can do that, they have a place as a resident.

I Can't Hear Anybody
Everybody sounds like Kenny.

I Have Found a Way to Eat All the Time
I have mastered the art of constantly eating, just so I don't have to wear my mask on planes.

Quarantining Doesn't Make Me Feel Good
I like watching TV, binge watching every series. I just want to make that decision myself. I feel like there is no point in binge watching if I am not missing out on something important that I have to do.

Locking Up People in Nursing Facilities Bothers Me
As fun as staring at a ceiling can be, I am bothered by people in nursing facilities not being allowed visitors. These facilities need to have TV screens on the ceilings, where the residents are staring for twenty hours a day.

I Like People
Yes. The people at shul are annoying. Yet, it's good to see them. For around a year, I had nobody to talk about. How am I supposed to speak Lashon Hara (chatting about others) if I have nobody to talk about?

I Like Saying 'Shalom' To People
I didn't know this till I saw a kid run in fear from me, for being a person. He looked at his mom, yelled 'people,' and ran the other way.

People Get Mad at Me When I Shop
I was at the supermarket, picking up groceries and people were veering their carts away. They gave me nasty looks. I tried letting them know I am not diseased, but they didn't believe me.
At one point, I made it to the dairy section. I got some real nastiness from people there, when I reached for the cottage cheese. They were disgusted with my tolerance for dairy.  I just said, 'I need cottage too.' 
The worst was when I said, 'Hello,' to one lady. She berated me, 'How dare you greet me. It's dangerous to welcome people.'

I Am Trying To Figure Out How Traffic Patterns Made it To Supermarkets
They've got aisles going one way. I have a hard time going down one way streets in the right direction. If it's quicker, I drive wrong.

I Get Mad at People When I Shop
Have to wait at the end of the aisle. Fifteen minutes for this guy to pick out dressing. I'm screaming, 'How long does it take to pick a dressing? I just need some mayonnaise. Pick something already. Take the ranch. Everybody likes ranch. Get out of the aisle. Can you toss me the mayonnaise already?!'

I Have No Idea What Six Feet Is
Another thing I get berated for at supermarkets. People are still yelling at me. 'Six feet!' I have no idea what six feet is. I've got people screaming, 'Get on a sticker. You're between stickers. You stand on a sticker. If you have to, you jump it. Hopscotch it if you must. You don't not step on stickers. And next time, you walk down the aisle in the right direction.'

I Don't Like Politicians Making Decisions for Me
They don't listen to me even after I vote for them. 
If they would listen to me, I would listen to them. If they brought down my taxes, I would happily wear the mask.

I Studied Science in High School
I have a say in this too.

People Love Not Going to Shul
I have noticed half of my community watching the news, praying for another quarantine, so they have an excuse to not show to shul. They're like kids praying for a snow day. I want to see these people at shul, but they never come. I called an older gentleman to see why he wasn't in shul. He said there was an outbreak in New Zealand. Any excuse. 
They're exploiting COVID, to get out of events. They haven't bought Bar Mitzvah gifts in two years and they're loving it. I've seen them in shul, praying for the governor to shut down the state, so they don't have to listen to the rabbi's sermon.
How all of this leads to them golfing and shopping together, I do not know.

People Are Disgusting
People need to be told to clean themselves. Why do you think they were telling people, 'Wash your hands,' in the beginning of COVID? Because people are disgusting. We have to tell the people to clean themselves. COVID protocol: clean your hands, shower and don't sneeze on others. 
'Sanitize your house'? Beforehand, counters were full of mold. People were thinking it's fine to let it grow. 
The people were not taught right at my shul. They are disgusting. Very unsanitary. I suggested we get everybody to come out and get their hands washed with the Cohanim. They need us watching over them.  In shul, these people are shaking my hand. They sneeze in the right hand and then come for a shake. I was giving elbows before this whole COVID thing.
If you're going to shake my hand, clean it first.

I Don't Like Being Attacked
Some people in my shul came at me with elbows. I thought we were doing an elbow shake. He's coming in with an attack. It was a kickboxing move he must've used at the supermarket, when somebody was coming in for some cottage cheese.

What I learned that I want more than anything is for people to be healthy, so I can talk about them. It's forbidden, but it gives me something to do. 
I like community. No matter how unsanitary it is, I want to be around people, to have something to complain about. Right now, I feel better about complaining about not being near people. But, next week, I'm going to need something to do. Maybe I'll start going to the supermarket more often. I am sure I'll see them there, trying to get some cottage cheese. They'll cut me off and get mad at me, like they do when I also want choolante at Kiddish.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Tu BShvat and Shabbat Kiddish with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done for Kiddish development around the globe.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done that can incriminate him in Israel.

It's the new year and international travel is painful again. Quarantining can be very scary, if you have to do it alone. It's a nightmare, and I purposefully entered that nightmare when I flew back to Israel, knowing I would be put in a quarantine hotel for two weeks.
The quarantine is back, and I bring you my story. It is here to inspire you, and to let you know that you can visit Israel and make it through the quarantine, as long as you're fine with your vacation being spent in the hotel. Now, the quarantine is for seven days, and my story may mean very little to you. Even so, I shall take you into my little journey of how I made it through quarantine in Israel, with my fellow returnees to Zion.
 
I Was Scared
I was in solitary confinement in a five-star hotel with a bath.
 
A Corona Hotel
They call the hotel “Corona.” The hotel itself  had the virus. I didn’t know if I could touch the closet. Do the walls have the virus? Do I catch it from my bed? I decided it was safest to live out of my suitcase and sleep in my clothes.
 
Food Rations Don’t Make Jews Happy
I thought I was going to get the Israeli hotel breakfast buffet. I asked them. Then they dropped a bag outside my door. This was worse than being locked up in solitary. At least in solitary they slip the food through a window; you get a bit of service.
They should’ve never called that room service. Three square meals is not... Other people deciding what I should be eating hurts the hotel experience. I don’t want people deciding which cheese I should be eating. I need choices, and they didn't provide that at the corona buffet.
Yes. I complained to management. The same food every day isn’t the five star hotel experience I was expecting. Not having eight cheeses to choose from, and cereal dispensers, is not something I would have chosen. It was hard. I liked cottage cheese two days ago.
 
No Washing Machines
They turned me into a manual laborer. I was a slave to my dirty clothes, and I was not a good one. Maybe I don’t know how to twist enough. I smelled like Badin detergent suds for a week.
How Do You hand wash? I’ve seen washboards in bands. Other than using it to strum a spoon, I don’t know what that is supposed to be used for.

Why is the Army Here
Soldiers were working the concierge booth. I have to say, they know very little about what there is to do in Jerusalem, when you're quarantined. Their lack of knowledge regarding Jerusalem nightlife was bothersome. They should at least been able to tell me the coordinates.
It was scary coming out of my room and seeing the gun. I ran right back in, and that's where I spent the first three days.
 
A Shabbat Retreat Where You See People Less
On Shabbat, it’s a religious duty to quarantine together.
 
Lighting Candles is a Social Experience
As lighting Shabbat candles always do, they brought light to my darkness and people into my quarantine.
We lit candles at a big table in the lobby, as opposed to our rooms. The organizers of the quarantine experience felt that a fire is more dangerous than seeing somebody who you sat next to on the flight. I went to light Shabbat candles, and that was my first interaction with people that weren’t behind plexiglass, or with a gun. I was relieved to hear that they also don’t like cottage cheese anymore. I realized I’m not in this quarantine alone, and there are other people that have no idea how to ring out a shirt.
 
The Minyin
As I was lighting the candles, I heard about the Minyin, a community praying together in isolation. They said, 'You must stay out of your room to join us.' I said, 'Yes. If me leaving my room is a requirement, I will be there... I will be early.' I had never felt so thankful for ten men in my life. I let them know that I’m happy to join, as long as I didn’t have to hand wash their clothes.
The Chazan did not have a good voice. However, he had to wear a mask, and that helped.
 
Oneg – Delighting in Shabbat
One deed leads to another and we must share all of Shabbat in quarantine. You’re supposed to delight in Shabbat, and you do that with food. One quarantining congregant brought cake, cashews, peanuts, Coke, herring. One guy really enjoyed it. The first guy who took the cashews loved the experience. After he touched them, the cashews were his. He delighted more than the rest of us. As we learned, big bowls of food are not optimal for pandemics. 
When it came to the pound cake, I went in after the first guy. I wasn’t that scared. I had eaten too much cottage cheese to be scared. If I hadn’t caught corona by now, from the corona hotel bedding, I wasn’t going to catch it from a decent pound cake and a cold cup of Coke. In life, you have to be brave and take chances. And when it comes to a wet dense pound cake, those are the times.
How I ate with my mask on is a miracle one can only speak of.
 
Ingathering of the Exiles is Motivating
After Shabbat we had a big circle where everybody shared their story.
Stories of journeys from around the world were vast. One from Cape Town, one from Buenos Aires, one was from New York, one from Thailand, one from France. Each of us had our own journey back to Israel. Each expedition was more intriguing than the next. Some sat first class. Some sat economy. One even had somebody sitting next to them. A true journeyman. The most interesting story was given by the voyager from France who did not even get a kosher meal on her flight.
 
Chilonim Became Religious
Everybody became religious. Once the Chilonim, secular Jews, realized they can leave their rooms, they joined the Minyin. They were early. They were devout. They sat there praying, focused on the words of praise. In the end, the secular Israelis felt so comfortable that they also had no problem talking during the services.
This was the first time in my life that I saw so many people return in penitence. Chabad has been trying for years to put Tefillin on people. One week of quarantine is the best outreach I have ever seen. 
Religious relationships even developed around the hotel, where new Chiloni couples dated without touching, sitting six feet apart.
 
Stuff I am Left With
In quarantine, you learn something about yourself.
 
I learned that I am fine smelling like bath gel if that’s all I have to wash my clothes with. I don’t like cottage cheese anymore, but that may change in a day or two after I get out. I learned how to make going to the reception to pick up milk take twenty minutes, and how to keep a friend on the phone for forty-five minutes when they have to run. I learned that afternoon naps can last five hours, and touching cashews first during a pandemic is much smarter than touching peanuts. Cashews are more expensive; you want them for yourself. I learned that when it comes to leaving my room, I am extremely devout. I even show up two hours early to services. I learned that solitary confinement can be depressing without a Minyin.
 
Minyin saved me. Shabbat Saved me. Lighting candles saved me. The comradery that quarantining together as a religious nation allows for, saved the secular Israelis. 
Only in Israel do people share their quarantine with other people. Everything beautiful about living in Israel is seen in the quarantine hotel, how we isolate as a community next to one another. A nation reuniting in the hardest of times, distancing together in solitude with all of the people, praying right next to Jews from all over the world. When you’re together there is nothing to fear, other than the coronavirus.
Being quarantined in Israel was the greatest experience of my life. Book your ticket. Skip the Kotel and go to the Corona Hotel.

Two years had passed since the pandemic struck, and the Minyin quorom for prayer started meeting at shul again. After much discussion, the Wise Men and Women realized that the reason why there was no quorum was that nobody was getting together. All were in awe of Berel the Gabai's brilliance, when he unveiled that revelation to the board.
This was their fourth time starting up the Minyin again and reopening the shul. The shul had three weeks of excellent attendance. All attendees had to be vaccinated, wearing masks and six pairs of gatkes for safety. It was also suggested that everybody stay far enough apart so they couldn't hear one another. It was decided by the local authorities that it is dangerous to hear other people. Once Yankel started talking, it was agreed that it was best not to hear people.
Shabbat was beautiful and all were happy, even though they couldn't hear the Kaddish prayer. The shul held an amazing Chanukah party where all attendees had to be vaccinated. As discussed by the Wise Men and Women, you had to be vaccinated, wearing six pairs of gatkes and gloves with proof of showering with sanitizer, and masked in order to eat the latkes. Sour cream wasn't allowed, as it was deemed a super spreader.
For Minyin quorum safety, one Wise Man suggested what they called 'zones.' So, the congregation created shul zones. They had an orange zone, a green zone, and a zone where Israelis were not protested against. The community was finally running again.
Then, the next month, after the shul had finally opened and the community started to move again, the leaders of Chelm called for all religious services to stop meeting again. They said there was what they called 'another variant.' And that was it. The Minyin was over. Once the people heard the word 'variant,' there was mass hysteria around Chelm, as the Chelmites ran to safety. Some trampled others to find the best Holiday Sales they could.

The UnWise Men and Women Who Thought People Should Get Together for a Quorom
The Wise Men and Women decided to close the shul again. However there were some not Wise Men and Women that thought the Minyin should continue. That idea met with much disdain, and community hatred.

'It's a variant,' reproached Sarah Shaindel.
'What does the variant do?' Yankel asked. And the whole of the Wise Men and Women of Chelm ostracized Yankel for asking such a dumb question. Yankel was cut off from the community for bringing up such heresy. In ridiculing him, they used his full name, Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha, and in unison said, 'Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha! How dare you say that things are not that bad? How dare you bring up praying together at times like these?!' After hearing 'times like these,' Yankel had the chutzpah to reiterate, 'I was just asking what the variant did.' And from then on, it was forbidden to speak to Yankel, for he was a fool.
All the Wise Men and Women knew that when somebody said 'times like these,' that meant there was a crisis and everybody should quarantine and not see people at shul. For Yankel to have not known this, and to not know that 'variants' means to take shelter, they all knew he was too great of a fool to not be isolated.

'Times like these' was later said at the shul board meeting. Nobody could show to the meeting, as that would've meant getting together. Nonetheless, the Wise Men and Women held the board meeting. When the statement 'times like these' got out to the people, all took shelter. Running home with hands flailing, you heard yells throughout Chelm, 'Times like these.' And nothing else needed to be said, shul was closed. There was a 'variant' and there were 'times like these.' There was no room for Judaism in Chelm, at times like these. And for Yankel to not realize it was times like these.

Murmurs of Yankel's evil ways made their way around the community. He lost his friends, his job, and he was left in the cold. He caught pneumonia, but nobody cared, as it wasn't a variant.

The Similar Case: Some Fool Wanted a Minyin
Rabbi Fishel was fine with not having the Minyin. Duvidel was not happy. He didn't want the shul to shutdown again. As he said, 'There is no community if there are no people.' That was shut down by Rivka, the social chair, who said that community doesn't need people. Rivka is simply smarter than Duvidel, who always brings up dumb ideas, with his lack of knowledge. 
Duvidel said that he heard that the new variant doesn't affect people. And dissenting shouts came from all throughout Chelm, 'You fool. Only an idiot would repeat what he reads.' Conversations were had about the news that Duvidel watched. Talks were had and speakers stated, 'We must never watch the news anymore.' But they all realized that they would never hear about the other variants without the news, so the news was placed on the Chelm Jumbotron, to ensure that religious people didn't meet.

Sarah Shaindel repeated, 'It's a new variant.' Duvidel responded, 'But it doesn't affect anybody.' And all were in shock. The Wise Men and Women were oh so bothered, asking, 'How can things not be dire? It is these times.'
'What a fool Duvidel is,' Shaindel cried out. 'But it's a variant!!!' And the shul was closed. And the leaders of Chelm were happy

Duvidel went on to say that people were happy showing up to shul, and the Wise Men of Chelm ostracized Duvidel. Shlomo reiterated the feelings of the Wise Men and Women, 'How dare he say that people are happy seeing other people? Does he want to kill us?' And he continued, 'Only a fool would think you can be happy during times like these.' Other Wise Men and Women said, 'It's times like these. Did he not hear it's "times like these"?' And all knew Duvidel should be ostracized. And Shlomo happily went back to his home on the outskirts of town and was happy, as he was able to find a new series to get into. But not before he could tell Duvidel, 'It's science. We can't have a Minyin because of science. During times like these, we have to look to science.'
It turned out, Duvidel, like a fool, believed in Gd. 

The Community Is Happy
The community was finally at peace, knowing that the people who wanted to be with community were in seclusion.
'As long as there are variants, I will never go to Minyin again,' exclaimed Feivel. Berel the Gabai acquiesced, 'There will be no Minyin until the doctors tell us that there is nothing to catch.' Fayge shouted with joy, 'That's my Gabai. So wise. The only way to never catch anything is to not go to shul.' 
And the Wise Men and Women of Chelm, the Jews of Chelm all celebrated, as they never had to go to shul again. And they all met at the supermarket.

Epilogue
​Duvidel's question of whether or not the variant had anything to do with the pandemic was never answered, as it was a variant.
Nobody ever listened to Yankel again. He even had the Chutzpah to ask what 'the science' was. A fool with chutzpah.

The masks were mandated by the city council, but criminal activity went up in Chelm. They're still looking for the people who robbed the local pharmacy. The police sketch of a man and woman wearing masks went out. To this day, the whole town of Chelm is suspect.
Along with Yankel and Duvidel, the ostracized community that was put in isolation grew large and they started their own Minyin quorum of people who were not allowed to be around other people.

​The Wise Men and Women of Chelm decided that the community needs to follow new protocol. From then on, anytime somebody said 'variant' the shul had to be immediately shut down. If anybody said 'these times' or 'times like these' all had to take shelter. It was years later, when they decided on a law that you can't yell 'variant' in a crowded shul, that the shul opened and the Minyin finally met up again.

Another variant of COVID hit the world, and some states are back with mask mandates. China has locked up thirteen million people. Home seclusion can happen. It's scary. The prospect of another quarantine is scary. What is even scarier is the thought of having to spend so much time with the family, again.
You need to be prepared, just in case the family is stuck together. I am going to help you with some Jewish family activities, just in case you need to spend time with the kids. Just thinking about that is painful.
As the saying goes, let's make the pandemic Jewish. I might have heard that from one of the local anti-Semites. Nonetheless, it's a beautiful thought. Embrace your families and make this time with the kids holy. Here’s how to make your time at home Jewish. 
 
Arts and Crafts with Your Children
Do Jewish art with the children. Jewish arts and crafts consists of making holiday objects or a Mezuzah. Those are the two options for the season. A still claymation glob on your doorpost, or a slab of wood with some nuts on it.
I understand that you missed Chanukah, but you can still catch Pesach. Make the Seder plate with the children and keep them occupied. Be sure to have them work the chicken and horseradish that is not kosher for Pesach into their art, so you have an excuse to not use it on Pesach. You never want to show your child's art. That lack of talent is embarrassing to the family.

Bake a Challah
Baking Challah is a beautiful Jewish family tradition. It gets the kids involved, and it gives you chance to yell at them. You're going to get mad. It might as well be for them not kneading fast enough.
If the grocery stops selling flour, for whatever quarantine reason, blame that on the kids. Yelling is an important Jewish experience, as it brings back memories of preparing for the holidays.
 
Family Pictures
Use the time to connect with the past. This is a good time to connect your children with family history. Show the kids the pictures of your childhood. That is educational. The grainy pictures are best. Allow your kids to see what the world looked like before HD.
Show them pictures of religious grandparents. Even if it’s not their grandparents, as long as it’s a European looking family, that’s good enough. All old pictures from Eastern Europe look like they're of religious people.
The pictures should be educational. Remember, you have to be prepared to run a school in your house. The day school is not going to refund any of the $22,000 you spent. 
 
Encourage Your Children to Go Online
You’re not going to keep the kids away from the TV and computer for more than a day. You'll give the speech about family time, but after five hours of being together, family time is done for the month. Caring about family for more than five hours is painful. Nobody has that kind of stamina for showing love. Give the children your phone and let them have the screen. There's only so much crying you can deal with.
Don't try to keep your kids off the websites. They're going to see the shmutz during class. The day school’s video conference classes program will have them online regularly, browsing the internet and binge watching. Watching The Lord of The Rings looks like you're engaged on the webcam. A decent series is the only way your child will do well in class.
Don't think your kids won't ignore you. Your child is now internet savvy and doesn’t need your help until dinner.
 
Spring Cleaning
It may be winter where you are. Even so, it's never too early get your kids to help around the house and do some spring cleaning. Turn being stuck in the house to something positive. Finally, you can paint the family room. You will have time to clean for Pesach. Passover cleaning will be done and the house will be clean as the hotel you stayed at three Pesachs ago.
Tell the children it’s a Mitzvah. Telling them they’re cleaning for Passover and it’s a commandment is the best way to get them involved in spring cleaning. Tell them that they have to get rid of Chametz, and that includes raking the leaves still in the yard.
My parents used to tell me there was Chametz on the windows. That's how they got those panes squeaky clean.
 
Constantly Check If Your Kid is Sick
They quarantined everybody for safety, so use it for the Mitzvah of Pikuach Nefesh, saving a life. As part of their Jewish education, let the kids know that it's a Mitzvah to skip school.
Educate by example. As a parent, it's good to spend your time with the back of your hand on their foreheads. When you see them sit, have your hand there. When they go to sleep, when they eat, when they clean, when they’re online with their virtual class, have the back of your hand there. If you don’t worry for them, who will. There's a reason that any good Jewish mother will ensure their little athlete is not going to dehydrate when they're playing soccer. 
 
Eat A Lot
The gyms are back to making you wear a mask. Science shows that people have a problem working out when they can't breath. You’re not going to work out. You're going to put on weight, which makes this is a holiday. Celebrate. How do we celebrate when we can’t go to the gym? We eat.
Good Jews eat. We eat and we give the food a Yiddish sounding name, and we don’t go to the gym. Getting heavy is part of the Jewish tradition, and how we celebrate every holiday. This is your chance to repent and put on some weight. 
Eat with the family and become better Jews together.
 
Watch a Jewish Movie
That means anything with a Jew in it. This means no foreign films.
 
Perfect Chance to Watch Shtisel as a Family
When you get into the family fights, put on Shtisel and your kids will appreciate being part of your family.
By foreign films, we mean anything that is not American or Israeli.
 
If they quarantine you again, make it a great time to be at home. Make it family time. Celebrate the children. Years from now, your family will remember all the time spent together, huddled in the home. And you will say, ‘Thank Gd there is a vaccine.’
And do not ask your kids if they got vaccinated. You don't want to have to kick them out of the house.

​The High Holidays were arriving and the rabbis of the community had no idea what to do. 
'We can't have people in the shul,' shouted Berel the Gabai, who didn't want to have deal with giving people Aliyahs.
Duvidel said, 'We can have them in shul. They just can't be together.' And all yelled at Duvidel. 'You fool. If they are in shul, they are together. That is against the rules. We will have a Minyin with people outside the shul.' And so it was, the community stood looking into the shul as a quorum, for Rosh Hashana, and nobody could hear the shofar. 

For Yom Kippur the Wise Men and Women decided that all needed to hear the prayers for it to be a quorum. Feivel asked, 'How can we have a quorum if we are not together?' And thus Rabbi Fishel ordained, 'A Minyin has to take place together.' And all protested the rabbi who didn't care about life. As Chaya Fayga said, 'We want to be written in the book of life.' Rabbi Fishel was shocked, not knowing how what he  and thus he remained quiet, for he wanted to keep his job.
Chaya Fayga went on, 'We will have the quorum separately. They'll come to outside the shul. We will have the ​Minyin apart. Pray together in quorum, not together.' And all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement. 'Chaya Fayga is our real leader.'
 
'We will be in a tent,' Berel the Gabai said, as he knew that people won't complain about their being called up to the Torah if it is windy outside. And he knew that the honors of opening the ark would not be a hassle if there was no ark. Bayla, in awe of his brilliance, let all know, 'That is my Gabai. That is why he is our Gabai. He knows.'
'But we can't be in the tent together,' retorted Chaya Fayga. And all looked at each other in agreement. We know all the Wise Men and Women were in agreement, as their mouths went into a half frown and they shook their heads at each other from side to side.
'We will be in separate tents then,' responded Mendel. And Chaya Fayga said, 'But if the tents are together...' And all agreed again with a side to side head nod.
 
And it was ordained by Fishel the Rabbi, who was happy to not have a Minyin, 'We will each have our own shul. That’s how we’ll bring the community together.'
And it was decided that each person should build their own shul. And it was. Each home was a shul, and nobody gave towards their building fund, and many of the Wise Men and Women ended up homeless.

Epilogue
Moishele had his shul, and said, 'I am not going to show up to my Minyin.' Feivel made it clear that Moishele never showed up to Minyin.
The rabbi received tons of hate mail telling him he should get out of the community. Most of the mail insisted that the rabbi wants people to die. To quote, ‘How can you want people to be together, in their own shuls? Do you not care about people?’
The other rabbis of the community accused Rabbi Fishel of poaching their members, to pray in their separate shuls. Another congregant said the rabbi doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Truth is, they loved saying that about the rabbi. Rivka, in support of the shuls at each person's home, insisted that separation has kept us one community throughout the ages.
The rabbi took a lot of backlash for not understanding that keeping people apart is the best thing for our people. 

The rabbis of Chelm, who didn't want people at shul, are now mad that everybody started their own breakaway Minyin.

Simchat Torah was also social distanced, as Feivel said, 'We must dance together separately. As Jews, we hold hands and dance in circles. Each person will make their own circle.' And all the Jews of Chelm formed their own circle.
When they noticed nobody was at shul the next morning, the Wise Men and Women called everybody to shul. For the Simchat Torah Dancing, everybody sat down at a proper distance of six feet from the next person. And that is how Hakafot took place.

For the first days of Sukkot Bayla used her Lulav as a way to ward off any community members that tried saying 'Chag Sameach.'

Though the streets are open and wedding halls are there for rent, many still want to host Zoomchas. It's a great way to save money and to not have to see your guests.
If COVID didn't teach us anything, it taught us how you host a Zoomcha. Last time, I taught you how to attend a Simcha online. Now, we focus on you and how to invite guests to not join you in the Simcha Hall (at your home).

Pick The Right People to Attend
You need witnesses, even at your Zoomcha wedding. So, don't invite me.
I was one of the ten allowed legally at a wedding. They should’ve picked people better. If you can only have ten, you don’t invite the third cousin. If you have that few of guests, you should know them all, and their birthdays. The security guard had to ID me.

Save Money
If you’re spending money and renting out a ballroom that people can’t sit in, you don’t understand virtual reality well enough. I understand that there are rules for how to make a Simcha and catering is key. However, it’s quite hard to ensure that the roast is hot by the time it gets to your cousins out in Oakland. Even so, you must thank them for coming to the Zoomcha from all the way out there. Thanking family that doesn’t live next to you is tradition even if they didn't travel. They got on the event from their living room overseas, so welcome them.
Not renting the hall, you now have money for a nice vacation to visit the cousins in Oakland.

Do the Candle Lighting Ceremony Online
It is safer this way. I have seen many grandparents with shaky hands. I always get scared when the Bar Mitzvah boy and his Bubby light a candelabra together, not knowing where it’s going to end up. I would rather Bubby have a hard time trying to figure out how to work the computer camera. At the Zoomcha, there's no chance the Bar Mitzvah boy’s suit will get lit by Bubby.

Mute Everybody for the Speeches
You don’t want to hear what your guests are saying at the tables during the speeches. If you ever heard that, you would’ve made the decision long ago not to invite these ingrates (we invited you ingrates to our Simcha and paid $50 a dish. You're going to hear about how proud we are of his winning the badminton tournament, and you're going to hear everything his grandparents say even if they have no idea which grandchild it is, and you're going to see ever picture we ever took in a slideshow. That's $50 for your dish!!!). For your Zoomcha, you don’t have to hear them whispering 'Now this one is talking?!' from their homes.
Better yet, mute the one giving the speech. Mute all. That will bring happiness to your Zoomcha.

Seperate Families
You don’t need to hear families fighting. That is inevitable. If you didn’t separate families before your Zoomcha, and ensure separate screens in different rooms, garbage and grocery disagreements will happen.
You have a kids table at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. You should have a kids screens at the houses.

Catering
Tell the guests to get up and go to the kitchen for a second. If any of them complain, tell them it's a buffet.
You also want the feeling of a bar. So, tell people to get a drink and wait eight minutes before pouring it. Waiting will give the full feel of having to wait for somebody, that cut you off at the Simcha, to order their mixed cocktail that the bartender doesn't know how to make.

Link the Registry
Like any good Youtube video where they tell you to subscribe, constantly remind the people you invited to check out the link for the registry. Text it throughout the ZoomMitzvah and ZoomWedding, and then tell them where to click. Forget about not feeding them, you guilt them into getting your child the new refrigerator. There is no reason to have them at the ZoomWedding if they’re not getting you appliances.
 
Have a Dress Code
You want to show that you have full control of your Simcha and over the people attending. Remember, even if people are not coming, it's your day to get across your political message. So, make people wear a mask at their house. 

In Conclusion
If you choose to not do the full Zoomcha, and go for the livestream, all the more respect. If you sent me an invitation that said 'please don't come,' I would respect you even more. It's the modern day Take Out restaurant of Jewish celebrations, where you're telling me that you don't want me in the establishment with you, and I respect that.
So post it on Youtube, and allow your guests to attend when it works for them; in bed, over dinner, at the park, while attending a Simcha. I would say to use Midabrim, but I am not a fan of Lashon Hara (that was for those who understand transliteration).
As long as you find a way to get gifts out of the people, you're running your online Simcha right. So Zoomcha, Mitzvacha or Chatuncha, and make sure you register online as well. It's not very hard to post a link in the middle of the Chupah, with a 'click here to purchase dishes for the bride and groom.'

EPILOGUE: DON'T SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN PERSON
Social distancing in a hall doesn’t work for Simchas. Circle dancing at a six foot distance doesn't have the right feel. First, it's hard to judge if you're correctly six feet away. If you're not, then you're ruining the symmetry of the circle. And you need a huge hall for anything more than thirty people. And don't make guests put on plastic gloves, unless if you're trying to get them to sweat.
Make sure you can hug your parents if they're coming to your Simcha. Don’t rent a hall to see your parents and remind them of how much you don't care about them. You barely called last year. 
It was a messed up event. The Chuppah didn’t work either. The big question was, 'Who’s holding up the canopy?' That was answered quickly by the rabbi, 'Nobody!' They wanted to have a safe wedding even if the canopy would fall and take out the bride with it.
As the fear of possible affection ensued, the rabbi got in his line, 'We're going to ask the husband and wife to stay away from each other... Before putting on the ring, can we get the gloves?'
Point: Don't run a Simcha in person, unless if people are allowed to touch.

Summer is coming, which means it's time to celebrate. So get your screen ready for another season of Simchas. You have another half a year to show up to your Simchas online. Take advantage of it and do it right.
Some people will be showing up to parks and wedding halls. However, in all cases, you can still celebrate from your living room. Blaming your not wanting to show up to the party, on COVID, is still acceptable. 
There are communities out there that are still in the middle of the pandemic, and I am here to help.

The word “simcha” which is used to describe celebrations, actually means happiness. But happiness is hard when you show up to your grandparents’ house and they yell at you to stay away so you don’t kill them. It’s hard to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah when you can’t hug your family. It’s hard to have a wedding when people are trying to figure out how to lift you up on a chair from six feet away.
But we Jews don’t give up so easily. We’ve invented many innovative ways to celebrate virtually such as ZoomMitzvah, ZoomWedding or a ZoomMoyel for the Bris. I am here to help you get the most out of your Zoomcha. Here is how to be a guest at a Zoomcha.

BEING A GUEST AT THE ZOOMCHA
I learned this over the past year.

Proper Attire
You should be wearing a jacket, tie and shorts. Zoomchas are celebrated from the waist up. You wasted money on those new fancy colorful socks. You’re fifty years old! Even your teenage son looks foolish with the tight high pants and the zigzag brown, red, yellow, purple, fluorescent green socks.
You can wear a mask if you want to let people know that you care about society more than them.

Tip Your Webcam When You Stand
Be ready for directions you shouldn’t be heeding. The rabbi asked people to stand for the Bar Mitzvah boy to open the ark and nobody angled their screen up. We saw too many plaid shorts. Pajamas too.
Don’t fall for any service cues online. You're at home. You can do what you want. This isn’t Simon Says. You don’t have to follow direction. You never followed directions in shul before, so there is no reason to start now.

Eat the Food in Your House
Another essential component to all Simchas is eating. The kids are there, family is around. It’s time to pull out the pasta you made last week. No Zoomcha is complete without spaghetti and cottage cheese leftovers. While you’re at home, open up the pantry for all to see the deal you found on matzah farfalle. 

Dance with a Hand Raise
The Jewish hand raise dance is a crucial centerpiece of all Jewish celebration. You may not be able to touch the other people, but you have your tablet. Lift your device. A laptop works perfectly. They’re making those so light nowadays; you can toss that thing in the air. I don’t suggest to use a desktop. The Mayim BSason dance hand raise is quite hard to complete with the monitor, hard drive tower and electric strip.
Don’t stand or move your feet. Even if you washed the cargo shorts, nobody wants to see your legs again. 

Show Your Blank Screen
Do not leave the meeting. There is no reason to be rude and let the Bar Mitzvah boy know you don’t care about him. This isn’t shul. You don’t have to abandon him in the middle of his reading. Hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy read can be very painful. Here, you don't have to listen. ​Just leave your screen on. I know this means you've left, but they don't know this. You can head to the den, watch TV; they’ll never know you're in another room, having a good time.

Be Sure to Mute Yourself
You’re the ones we hear fighting! The mic picks it up from the kitchen. And yes we agree, your child should throw out the garbage every once in a while. But why do you need to remind him when Chaim is putting the ring on Malkie? I don’t know. I also don’t know why he had to take out the garbage when it was clear that it wasn’t full.

Clean Your House
We all see it. It's disgusting. You should take out the garbage. At least clean the room. We see it.
And don't pick a room that needs a paint job. I have had to leave many a Zoomcha to make private calls to friends who need renovations and some decent feng shui.

Let’s keep Online Zoomchas after social distancing is over. It's the only way we can be there and get our errands done at the same time.
I'm also a fan of Zoomchim. I don't want to visit family for holidays either. The Chagim at the house, are fine. I can make my own brisket. I don't want to have to hear Uncle Bernie chewing. 
I'm going to ride this Zoomcha wave as long as I can. I don't want to have to buy gifts or show up to parties. To note: If I don't get food, they don't get a gift. That's my policy.

Coronavirus has affected Israel just like many other countries around the world. We pray that the 14 day quarantine for travelers ends soon, so Jews around the world can get back to eating decent shawarma.  
This has of course been devastating for the Israeli tourism industry. But we Jews must always look for an opportunity to see the good in difficult times. We must see the positive. We must always see the blue and white lining. So here is what Israel is like without tourists:

People Are Starting to Speak Hebrew
I saw no tourists and witnessed something of amazement. People were speaking Hebrew. Hebrew was the main spoken language in the country. even in Jerusalem.
Store owners are so relieved to have a break from trying to speak English. And I am relieved to finally understand what they are saying. It made no sense in English.
Nobody in the shuk said 'My friend,' or 'My friends' when only talking to me. One proprietor finally spoke to me in Hebrew. He said, 'You're not getting a good deal. I am ripping you off.' I was relieved not to hear his regular English, 'I give you deal. My friends.' This was the first time I returned to the US at peace with how much I spent at the shuk.

Falafel Shops Are Finally Charging the Correct Price of Twelve Shekel
Falafel is not being sold at 40 shekels anymore. The shuk shopkeepers are even showing prices on their products. They’re not making up prices depending on your accent.
Note to Tourists: Due to the coronavirus, the falafel shops are finally clean and the tourists are missing this. The pita loader guys are cleaning their hands after they cough. Coughing in the air with no mouth covering, and sneezing openly, is still happening. I don’t believe we will ever be able to stop that in Israel. 
I feel bad for the tourists who are missing this new clean falafel. We might be coming on a new age falafel service prototype. If the tourists saw this no coughing into the falafel and weren’t served after the falafel guy sneezed into his hand, tourist falafel sales would go up. I hope it continues when the tourists are back.

People Thought Israel Was Attack
When we saw no tourists, we thought there was a war. But then we saw CNN and BBC weren't blaming us. 
We were happy to find out Israel was not under attack and the lack of tourists had nothing to do with anti-Semitism. If they find a way to blame the Jews for being the first contract the virus in China, we're in trouble. I don't know how they will do that, but they will find a way. A Jew might have visited Wuhan over the past forty years.

Every City Feels Like Beer Sheva
I love Beer Sheva. It’s so quiet. It’s like Israel’s suburbia. Now every city in Israel feels like Beer Sheva.
I hope I did my part just now, and more people will move down south. Helping Nefesh B’Nefesh along.
Cab Drivers Are Not Beeping
Beeping has been cut in half, as cab drivers have less people to initiate fares with.
Some people are still beeping. The lack of tourists can’t account for you getting cut off inline at the supermarket and lack of sleep because it was hard to figure out where the thermostat should be at. Honking at people still helps with those fights.
There has to be a bit of leeway on the beeping. We need someplace to get out our anger. That’s why people are still driving,

Some People Are Less Friendly
We're being encouraged not to shake hands. But some people in Israel are taking it a little farther. They see someone they know approaching them and they run to the other side of the street. The belief is that anybody walking has the virus. Otherwise, they would be taking the bus.
Once the tourists come back, I’m hoping the service people at the bodega near me will start saying “shalom” again. People have become suspicious of each other as if smiling will help us contract the disease. I wouldn’t mind being called “my friends” again by somebody who doesn’t know me. I miss it.

Not as Much Pushing
That's a positive in the more crowded areas. With nobody at the Kotel, I wasn't bumped by people trying to catch Barchu. At the Makolet, I had space inline. At the falafel shop, people weren't standing right on me. People aren't cutting me. They’re finally giving me space inline. I still got cut off at the supermarket. Distance doesn't happen there, as the virus never hit supermarkets. 
They're very conscious of distancing. At the protest, where they try to cause traffic and make people late, the people laying on the sidewalk and the street moved out of the way so that others could pass at a safe distance.
After all of this is over, I'm going to let everybody know I am sick. Wherever I go, I'm going to say 'I think I have a cold.' I don't know what buses are like right now, but I have missed out on getting my own seat too many times.

The Really Friendly People Are Fist Pounding
Israel has turned into a cool country. Even cooler, they’re elbow bumping. That’s the new cool way to say “shalom.” The elbow bump is sweet. I wish the tourists would be in on this and see this new way Israelis are greeting each other. The Holy Land would get an amazing reputation.

Security Is Better Than Ever
This is the safest time to be in Israel. Mass quarantine helps with security. 
Airport security has time to focus on the traveler right now. They’re checking every item in those bags. I’ve got to be honest. I never trusted airport security in the first place. Asking me if I’m smuggling stuff from America. They should know I’m smuggling stuff into Israel when I leave Israel with two empty suitcases.
Does security think I'm starting a luggage business in the US when I visit family?! I'm starting an electronics and cheap denim business in Israel when I get back.

Creating A New Business Model of Tourism
Being the savvy business people we are, Israelis still made money. We started running virtual tours, where you pay for a tour and don't go on it. 
Now, people are touring Israel from America, not coming to Israel, and paying. You can do a tour of the Kotel and not be there. You go to Eilat, virtually, and not get a sunburn. You go to your bathtub and save on the flight. Put salt in the bathtub, lay on your back. If your tub is not very deep, you're floating. If you feel a bit of a burn, you get the full Dead Sea Experience.Some tourists came even though they will be locked up for 14 days after arrival. They didn't want to miss the hotel experience. It’s the future of tourism. You still get to eat the huge Israeli hotel breakfast. Then you get two more buffets, daily. And there is no possible way of taking off any weight. You leave Israel with a tour and fifteen pounds of tourism on you.
I always wondered why half the Kotel tunnel tour was me sitting at a computer screen near the tunnels. They were forward thinkers.

Finally Visiting Cousins
Some tourists who already planned their trip and don’t have the money, now have to let the family know they’re in the country. They’ve got no choice -- they have to stay at cousin Shmulik for two weeks. That’s the vacation. Cousin Shmulik and Israeli TV. Until they needed a place to stay, cousin Shmulik didn't even know them.
You visit and now cousin Shmulik and his family are bonding with you, because they’re now quarantined by your visit too. 

Much of The Country Are More Packed Than Ever
Much of Israel is more packed than ever. I didn’t realize how much Israelis vacation. When we talk about tourism, we’re talking about Israeli flights to Hungary. That’s the main Israeli tourist market. Budapest is the one that is hurting from the Israel quarantine.

​It's not that bad. Israel is a country with so much character when tourists aren't around. The tourists should merit to see this.

The next step in Simchas is here. Thanks to loosening restrictions, we have moved from Zoomchas, to Outdoorschas. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue. What else doesn't roll off the tongue? Having a decent time with other people during COVID.
My brother and sister-in-law ran a beautiful outdoor Bat Mitzvah. It got me thinking how great it is to use a backyard. The backyard has been overlooked for many generations as the perfect place for a Simcha. Other than cutting the grass, most people never use their backyard. They might store a grill there. But they don’t use it. They have an oven in their house. 
Let me help you navigate your Outdoor Simchas during these times where you’re forced to not be allowed to spend $30,000 on a hall.

Save on the Beautician
The humidity is going to frizz up the hair and the makeup is going to run, so don’t bother. I also suggest that you not bother showering. It’s not that bad, as you will be six feet apart. Regarding the makeup, it’s not that bad as you should be standing far away from most people. As for the photographer, get him to focus on taking pictures of your beautiful backyard.

Enjoy the Air Outdoors
My niece’s Bat Mitzvah was the first Simcha where there wasn’t a family fight about the thermostat. This time, family fights were relegated to yelling about frizzy hair.

Phase Three Means You Can Come Close, But Not Interact
Nobody kissed or hugged. They just stared at each other awkwardly. Get used to that weird look. It means “Mazel Tov.”

Build a Huge Tent on Your Lawn
This way you’re complying with the rules and it is outdoors, but it is really indoors.
I went to one Simcha where they put all of their money into the food and there was nothing left for the tent rental. Big mistake. Most of the food got wet and the rest of it was brought inside. But nobody could come inside so they just stared at the food longingly through the window as the Bar Mitzvah boy tried to give his speech.

Rained Out
One Simcha I went to without tents had a rain delay. They told everybody that they were going to continue in an hour. I have never seen a Bat Mitzvah speech rain delayed. I thought it was a baseball game. One guy even said, “We’re calling it off for now. Come back later. She’s going to give two speeches.” He thought that coming back to the party enforced the double header rule. At least the Bat Mitzvah girl had a good attitude – she told me that she felt like she was at Yankee Stadium.

The Shmorg
The smorgasbord is about trying to look classy, eating while standing, with a slab of mustard on your tie, while engulfing pigs in a blankets and licking your fingers for the comprehensive taste. Now, you can look classier inhaling all the tiny hot dogs, standing outside, sweating drooling six feet away from your friends, and yelling over no music.

Social Distancing at Hors d'oeuvres Table
That is impossible. Everybody likes the pigs in the blanket too much. There is no six feet rule for hands attacking decent food.

Food Must Be Individually Packed
For safety, the food must be covered. Otherwise, all of the spittle from those taking the food while yelling at their friends across the yard, will land into the food you’re eating.
This whole social distancing makes me question why I ever went to a food court. It’s disgusting. All the sudden, now that we know of one virus, people sneezing around my dinner is finally considered wrong??!!

Finally the Grill is being Used
This worked real well for eight of the guests. The other two hundred did not get a burger.
Eight people were crowded around that thing the whole time. The grill only did six burgers at a time. Yet, they did not move.

Pictures at a Distance
Friendship pictures were taken of the girls standing six-feet apart. To note, social distance does not always look very friendly. I think when the Bat Mitzvah girl looks back at her pictures many years from now she’s going to wonder why her friends don’t really like her.

Speech Won’t be Heard
It’s outside. That’s fine. Nobody really wants to listen to a twelve or thirteen year old thank her parents while trying to connect it to the weekly Torah portion.

The Pictures Played on Screen
The most important tradition of the Jewish simcha is taking a photo album and then playing it on a projector to music from the eighties. It’s the middle of the day and it’s light outside? Don’t worry no one wanted to see those pictures anyway.

Hora Dance Around the House
Making a circle around the house can be a great way to celebrate. The bringing of the hands to the middle of the circle move might be hindered by the brick, but it can still be meaningful. Somebody lifted my niece on a chair but nobody could see it, as she was in the middle of the circle, inside the home.

Family Comes from Far
This is so thoughtful. Especially when you have family from Florida who have to quarantine for 14 days. Finally, when your kids go back to school Cousin Irene can pop her head out of the basement and say, “We just came to wish you a ‘Mazel Tov’.”

Organizing Tables is Easier
You don’t have to figure out who will sit next to who. You just sit families together and everybody is mad.

You Can Save on Floral Arrangements
Your backyard is an actual floral arrangement!
​
I was at one outdoor Simcha where they brought in lilies to match the flower patch in their backyard. They insisted that external floral arrangements are a necessary part of all Simchas. They even said their florist insisted in its importance. In the end, it was rained out.
My favorite part of the outdoor Simcha is that you can’t give gifts because of Coronavirus. At least, that’s the excuse I use. Some people gave gifts, but they clearly didn’t care about the health of the poor Bat Mitzvah girl. There is no way to sanitize cash enough for it to be correctly socially distanced.
As far as I am concerned, during Coronavirus, the saying couldn’t be more true, “Your presence is your present.”