Gd doesn’t change. Change is for beings in our low dark world. I feel like I’m sinning, defining H’ by saying He isn’t definable.

It’s only considered Chametz if it’s fit for a dog to eat. Hence, Simi’s choolante is not forbidden on Pesach... Simi is a bad cook.

H' is One. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times?! It's very confusing.

According to some rabbis walking four Amot in Israel is a Mitzvah. Others teach it’s a Mitzvah to have a BBQ on Yom HaAtzmaut. It depends who you hold by.

When one moves to Israel it’s a Mitzvah to stay. Some never leave the Holy Land, because they never want to see their family.

Lag BOmer is Shimon Bar Yochai’s Yahrzeit. Hence, kids make bonfires and shoot bows and arrows without parental supervision.

All physical and emotional aspects of H’ in the Torah are but metaphor, and I have to find out why I was lied to in grade school.

Everybody wants to know how to save money in Israel. Something about haggling in the Middle East makes one feel like they are in the Homeland. There is something nice about arguing with people. It makes you feel like you are with family. However, haggling is not the only way to save money.
I am here to help, so that you will never have to get ripped off again as an American who is easy to scam. Here is how you save money in Israel. Today we will focus on falafel.

Never Purchase Falafel
Bring your own pita and load up. All the salads on the side of the falafel stand are free. You will find an array of salads, ranging from tahini to cucumbers to spicy cucumbers to pickled cucumbers. You'll find pickled carrots. Pickled cabbage. It's a smorgasbord of pickled. Load up your pita. It's an excellently satisfying lunch. And the tahini helps with the toxicity of the pickling. Tahini is very expensive. So, load on as much as you can. I greatly appreciate that the falafel stand owners take the tahini and my budgetary concerns into consideration when they're loading up their Salatim buffets for me.

Stick to Pita
I do not suggest bringing a laffa (the tortilla looking bread that adds twelve pounds to a meal). Last time I brought my own laffa, all of the salads ended up falling through the bottom. It made a whole scene. I had to ask the guy behind the counter to help me wrap it. He is a professional, and was very kind. He tucked the bottom and showed me how to use the restaurant tissue paper. Then he gave me a bag to wrap my laffa. I would have left a tip, but leaving tips is not a good money saver, and I did not purchase the laffa from him. I just hope that the customer I cut in line still purchased their falafel.

Do Not Ask for Falafel
They charge for the falafel. Once falafel is in your pocket, there are financial concerns.
If you're lucky, you might find a ball in the tahini tub. Sometimes, people get overzealous and overload their pita pouches too high, and a falafel ball falls out.
And always take the taster. Falafel guys are always happy to give you a free sample ball. Enjoy it. Take the ball and run. I once asked them to put the ball in my pita. They don't do that for you. You have to take the ball with your hand and put it in your pita.

Purchase Half a Pita
If you have too much shame to bring your own bread from outside, purchase half a serving. This will still save you some shekels (nis), it will give you access to the falafel guy, and it will get you a couple of hot falafel balls, which are good for a cold day.
Do not belittle the access to the falafel guy. This purchase of 7nis gives you constant access to the salads behind the counter as well.  You will have full request ability of Turkish salad and eggplant. If you're wealthy enough, enjoy it.
The Rule: You can order as many extra salads as you want, until the pita is finished. You will want the easy obtainability of the fried eggplant, which is only served from behind the counter. Don’t test them. They know when you are finished with the pita, as it is impossible to not push up on the bottom of the bag for the tahini lick.

Stand By the Salads- The Salatim
First off, know the word Salatim. It means salads. If you call them salads, they will rip you off and charge you for the pita you brought. Trust me, they will know you're a foreigner and that costs money.
Take your pita and stand by the salads. It is crucial to eat standing. This allows you easy access for constant salad reload. Make sure you have a good spot by the cucumbers, and do not bite into the pita itself. Once you bite into the pita itself, you are losing valuable gripping perimeter. If you purchased the half pita, you may want to stand by the falafel guy showcase, as to not slow down your Turkish salad reload request ability.

Before discussing any other budgeting methods, be sure to stick to a strict falafel diet. The falefel diet is the first way to save money. It is the base of Israeli economic living.
Next time we will focus on other ways to save money by living in Minus, never flying direct, eating in the supermarket itself- where you don't have to, and purchasing your Israeli products in America.

The Kohen was lambasted for sacrificing a sheep of questionable lineage. (Mordechai)
You get it? Lamb is young sheep. Lamb is in the word 'lambasted.' Sacrifices. Sacrifices are in the Parsha. Lamb.
 
Why did they clean with Pledge? Because they had to annul their Chametz. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? When Pesach comes, you have to clean your house, get rid of all of your Chametz, and annul it. You make a pledge. Pledge is a cleaning product. A pun with a brand. A pun that also works as an advertisement. Multiuse.
 
I was determined not to clean the cemetery for Pesach, but they foiled my plot... Sorry. That was a grave injustice. (Mordechai)
You get it? Cemetery plot. Foiled the plot, so he cleaned it. And then the double pun there, with 'grave' injustice. Grave means a place of burial, or something that causes alarm. Love it when words have two meanings. Always helps with the puns. Whoever came up with the second meaning for words had a good sense of humor. And people always use tinfoil to cover stuff on Pesach. That's almost three puns right there.

To celebrate Independence Day, my nephew moved out of the house. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Israel Independence Day is coming up. And he misunderstood the use of 'independence.' It was a bad decision. He has no money.
 
They said the milkshake was divine, which is forbidden, because you shouldn't eat molten ice cream. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Malt sounds like molt. Molten gods. Forbidden. Another educational pun, to bring Torah to your lives.

What drink do people drink on the thirty third day of the Omer? A Lager. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Lag BOmer is the thirty third day of the Omer. Lag, Lager, a pun. Take out the 'bom' and you have Lager, even if most Jews don't drink it. The real answer is milk, but that's not a pun.

Announcements
The Israel Parade has been cancelled due to too many Jews being together. According to our city council, it's illegal to celebrate Israel. The council said Jews being happy and anti-Semitism wasn't the reason. To quote the mayor, 'Due to corona, we don't want to see Jews on the streets.'

Yizkur this Pesach did not raise enough money. The Yizkur appeal didn't pull in the money we were expecting. Families don't care about the deceased as much anymore. The board decided that the shul needs to make more money off death.
If the shul doesn't pull more funds with the appeal on the High Holidays we may start skipping Yizkur.
The shul dinner doesn't pull enough money, so it's been decided to focus our fundraising on plaques and Shivas. Rewarding death with is medallions form is a good focus . After much discussion, the board voted to not ask for past payments of unpaid dues at people's Shivas.
 
To celebrate Israel, this Yom HaAtzmaut we will host a vote. Israelis love voting, and thus the rabbi had the idea to vote to get rid of our shul president.
 
The community event will have falafel made by Sima's Pastry Shop. It will be a chocolate falafel theme. That was the closest we could come to Israeli food with the limited restaurant resources.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Holy Pack…
H' tells to Moshe to tell Aharon… Would you want to be the one to have to tell him to not light strange fires, after his children were killed because of a strange fire?!... Yes. H’ is smart. He is all knowing… You don’t want to deal with those emotions…
Talking about sibling rivalry. This can be a cause… ‘Now you’re rubbing it in, Moshe? What kind of brother… Not even a “I extend my condolences”... It's just like when you got the good staff’...

It's bold. It's like telling somebody their family member is gone, and they died because they did something wrong, so don't make that mistake. It's exactly that... But Aharon was a good man. He took it well... Yes. He loved his sons... Nadav and Avihu were good kids. You don't bring foreign fires... This isn't an immigration issue, Lisa...

People listen after their children are killed. That's why we discussed fundraising at Shivas... The Mafia has taken this lesson to heart...
 
Rashi (VaYikra 16:1) When a doctor tells you to not eat a radish or to sleep in a damp place it doesn’t mean anything. If he says, don’t do it, because you will die like Ploni… The best way to practice medicine is to injure people…
We have to learn from people messing up. Never be like Ploni. Ploni ruins everything he touches… Don’t be like the board… Just don’t be like the board…
Don’t be like Bernie… He's annoying. Bernie eats radishes too... 
 
A little harsh to kill his kids for the lesson, but teachers do what they have to. And that is why our day school needs more injuries. Parents have to stop caring about their kids so much... Safety is why the next generation is getting hurt...
 
You learn from the past... The back left doesn't... You guys showed up to the Yom HaAtzmaut party drunk last year. And you're drunk now... You just got back from Kiddish Club. That means drunk... It was a bouncy house party... There were three year olds...

We have to learn from the past and what people do wrong. 
Ira messed up his business. We can all learn from that... His store went down the tubes. We should learn from Ira and never open a store focused on candy bars. Convenience stores should have milk and eggs, Ira… We know people eat candy bars, but it’s not convenient when breakfast is a Twix…
 
Michelle. Don’t be like Fran and Thelma… Don’t fight over who’s husband is better… Both of their husbands were not that great… When they said ‘it’s your side’ it was the husband’s sides in those families…
The Bentawitz brothers always fighting…
 
The board messed up the fundraiser and I believe every event last year. They killed every single holiday celebration… Purim Piñata event was messed up… The adults were drunk. They took a bat and whacked a kid… Yom HaAtzmaut… There were kids. You pre-gamed a bouncy house. It's wrong.
Pizza is not an Israeli dish… It’s falafel and shawarma...
You guys could've killed somebody. Which is pointless, because the shul is making nothing off that nowadays...
 
Many holy people have passed away. May we learn from the past and give money to the shul.
The community Yom HaShoa program, like Yizkur, was not well attended… Let us first connect with the past and get people to shul…
 
Rivka’s Rundown
That was the rabbi’s last-ditch effort to raise money off death. 
At the end, the rabbi talked about caring about the deceased. He realized that people have to start to care. They have no connection or care.
 
The rabbi sees us as a pack. We're a group. A group that has failed at putting together a decent Yom HaAtzmaut program. I think we're more of a herd.

The message of learn from the congregants, don’t be like them, was well received by the congregants.
 
I eat Twix for breakfast. To be honest, I think Ira sold me on that. He's onto something. Though, it would be nice if he had milk. Twix and milk is good.

We're watching over the kids too much nowadays. Shabbat youth groups is more attended by parents. I believe they are now calling it a beginners Minyin for parents who are coming to shul for the free babysitting.
 
Now we can’t even have an Yom HaAtzmaut event this year. I think the city council heard about the chocolate falafel balls, and said that they can’t allow this event to happen. They didn't want to make it an anti-chocolate-falafel-Semite think, so they just said, 'No Jews gathering.' WHJI will be having a public gathering. We Hate Jews in Israel said that Jews can come, as they need a target for the dunking booth. 
The board really does mess up every holiday. Brisket on Yom HaAtzmaut was also messed up. Though it was a legitimate mistake. It is a Jewish holiday.
 
The rabbi didn’t mention the parade, because he also doesn’t like the idea of chocolate falafel balls. Began is turning over in his grave and asking why the membership doesn't give money to Israel.
Much of the membership is thinking of starting their own committee of people who give money to nothing. They are now meeting every week, as it is hard to turn away death.

As the rabbi said, 'May all of the holy people who have passed and gone to Olam Haba, have an arising of their soul. We thank all the Kedoshim and the soldiers who gave their lives to sanctify God's Name and to bring holiness to this earth, even if their family gives nothing to the shul.'

Israel's Independence Day is here, and you're thinking about how to celebrate. That's what good Jews do. They think about what to do for a holiday. You have that love of Israel and love vacationing at the Dead Sea. How can you share in the celebration? 
There are many ways to celebrate as an Israeli. Last year, we focused on the Mangal, known as the Israeli BBQ that comes in tiny matchbox form. You walked away from last Yom HaAtzmaut hungry, due to the size of the grates and your solidarity with the tininess of Israel. This year, we will focus on other ways to celebrate the Chag. 

Salt Water
You just dunked your food in it, for Pesach. Now, dunk your body in it. Pour salt in your bathtub, to share in the Dead Sea experience. Better yet, pour salt straight on your wound, and you will feel like you were there.
If you had canker sores at the Seder, you have already shown your commitment to the Holy Land.

Go to the Park
The tradition is to go to the park, see there are no spots for your Mangal, and then to go back to your house.

Play Football on a Basketball Court
Whatever you call it, you'll see this at the park in Israel. A soccer pitch on a basketball court. I'm still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals. Maybe there are extra points if the ball goes through the hoop and then into the goal.
Take your soccer ball and start kicking it in the middle of a basketball game, and you will bring a Yom HaAtzmaut experience to all on that court. If a fight starts, you will enjoy the full Israel experience of athletics.
 
Skip Work
No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut, or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief (Emunah). As Rabbi Chanina teaches (Berachot 33b), 'Everything is in the hands of God.' People who don't believe that, work. And all employees at the post office have a strong connection with the Lord.

Wave Israeli Flags
Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel. Wave the flag with pride and make your good morning greeting political.
If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you're celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there.
If you're worried about being attacked, and have not been showing up to your self-defence Krav Maga lessons, join a parade. There's safety in numbers. There is a reason why thousands of people meet up on the streets of New York to show their support of Israel. It's for safety.

Sit in Traffic
You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour.
Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will encourage other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper.
 
Israeli Dancing
The hop, skip, twirl, arm raise, reverse hop, skip, twirl, arm raise. There is nothing like it. Nothing says love of Israel more than doing your dance, and then skipping right back to your original position. Do that with a circle, and you have community.
Join towns and cities all over Israel and skip to a Hebrew you song. Better yet, hop and twirl with your supinated arm raise to a Spanish song. Spanish is how Israelis celebrate their independence.

For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home
I've seen way too many soccer balls, from basketball games, land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. And I've never seen a parent smile when serving their child a $22 steak.
If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you're a responsible parent.

Shpritz People With Stuff
Getting hit by shaving cream is my tradition. If I remember correctly, I spent many Yom HaAtzmaut wearing a decent shirt, getting sprayed with shaving cream and yelling at kids. 
Shpritzing people seems to be fun for the kids of Israel, and not very fun for the grownups who get hit by it. How the children all have shaving cream has something to do with how quickly the people of the Middle East hit puberty. I saw one kindergartener in Israel with a beard. He might have got left back. However, he was tiny and still couldn't trace an Aleph very well.
The real tradition accepted by all is to yell at the kids.
 
Say Hallel
If you're a heretic, like myself, you do this. Praising God is the least religious thing you can do on the Holiday. The religious people will explain this.

Vote
Vote Day is the only day more joyous on the Israeli calendar than Yom HaAtzmaut, as it shows Israeli pride, independence, and it's a day off of work. The only problem is that everything is closed on Vote Day, because those people have off work too. Anyhow, celebrate it.
Israelis love Vote Day, which is why we do it so much.

Eat Falafel
Falafel is the American way to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut, so they can feel like they're in Israel. Israelis celebrate with a BBQ, so they can feel like they're not in Israel. It's a vacation day.
Note: Not all falafel is Israeli falafel. As an American-Israeli, I've had the Yom HaAtzmaut US falafel, and it helped me fulfil the Israeli tradition of feeling like I am not in Israel.

If you follow through with these suggestions and do it at the park, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut. As long as you Mangal, and show your independence through dead animals on a tiny grill.

Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is coming up this week. Brachot!!!
There are many ways to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut. In Israel, some throw confetti. Some take white foam and shpritz others that will not appreciate it. I take the white foam cans from the children and whack them with it.
The one tradition that all Israelis share is the BBQ at the Park. Saying the Hallel prayer of thanks, waving Israeli flags, and Israeli dancing are not practiced by all. All Israelis agree on eating. So, if you want to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut like an Israeli, here’s how do the BBQ:

Make a Mangal
The Known as Mangal, the Israeli BBQ, is tiny. Israel is a small country, and therefore we cook on a BBQ that is too small to cook on. It is traditionally the size of a matchbox. If it can fit both a hotdog and chicken wing on it at the same time, it is too big.
You can find these contraptions for outdoor cooking in Israeli grocery stores, such as Super, Giant, Mega, Great, Huge and Gadol, and any other name for extremely big. These supermarkets will also provide you with the necessary food items for the family, such as 50 gram bags of family party size Doritos.
To add to the full feel of a holiday, yell at the family. The Mangal allows for great addition to the holidays spirit by yelling at the kids. If they complain, you can respond with, ‘You just had half a hotdog an hour ago. Think of the other people for once!’ Then justify the lack of production, by having people think you are cooking with a crockpot, with sentences like, ‘It is time-cooking, takes time.’ This statement works perfectly with an Israeli accent.
To make it a fuller Israeli experience, talk with as much of a lisp as possible. You should also remember to pronounce every silent letter that is not supposed to be there, such as the ‘e’s in ‘people.’
Remember, holidays are about memories, not enjoyment.

Do Not Eat Falafel
No real Israeli eats falafel on Yom HaAtzmaut. We are celebrating freedom on this day. We are not celebrating the fact that we are located in the Middle East. We are trying to forget that today.
I understand that your diaspora community serves falafel on this day, but we Israelis celebrate Israel. We are not celebrating extreme uses of oil today. We do that on Chanukah.
Shawarma is fine, as it reminds people of Israel

Purchase Chicken Dogs
It's most impossible to find beef dogs in Israel. The chicken dog tradition is because we should not enjoy ourselves too much. We must always remember the destruction of the Temple, and not having beef hotdogs is a good reminder.
I don’t get it. But that seems to be what people do in Israel. The fact that they look like beef dogs before they are cooked, adds something to the holiday. Again, I do not understand how people are satisfied with this lack of enjoyment; but the Temple was destroyed, and I remember how beef dogs taste.

Wave at the Fire
The number one Israeli tradition on Yom HaAtzmaut is to Nifnoof. Nifnoofing is the way to keep an Israeli mangal going. The correct Nifnooging practice is to find a piece of cardboard in the trash at the park. Then, you wave at the fire in hopes that it won't stop, by greeting it.

Have At Least Men Working on the Mangal
You want to cook in quorum form, as it is communal experience.
The most manly act, know to man, is BBQ or Mangaling. If you, as a man, see another man there, you want to make sure to claim your spot near the Mangal. Even if you have no Nifnoofing implement, you can still stand there and wave, or talk. Talking by the Mangal also shows your manliness, also known as being a Gever. Note: You don't want to be talking near the salads. Though, talking near the salatim, dips, is acceptable.

Do Not Use an Electric or Gas BBQ
That is too easy. All good Jewish holidays need preparation and cleanup. You just finished Pesach, you should know this.

Go to the Park & Occupy It
Don’t just do the BBQ. Go to a crowded park and share in what the world calls the occupation.
Bring chairs. When practicing the occupation, you want to be prepared with comfort. A lot of families like to bring couches and tables, so that the other people know that they are moving there. You might want to put together a moving team to help with your refrigerator.
It is almost impossible to find a place in the parks on Yom HaAtzmaut. After searching for 5 hours you will find many dads protesting, ‘We have found a spot, we are not leaving… I can care less if you are tired... We still have to get the second chicken dog going on the Mangal...’ 
If the park is closed this year, to show solidarity, you can pull out a bed and box-spring to your lawn.

Bring a Portable Speaker to the Park
This will allow you to connect with the modern Israeli tradition of playing the music you like extremely loudly. This also helps with claiming your spot in the park. Many families come to overcrowded parks, walk around blasting Netta Barzilai, and space opens up.
You can do this by blasting your own Uncle Moishy with your subwoofers. Blasting that out of the back of your car will definitely chase everybody else out of the neighborhood.

Cook on The Ground
When you do a Mangal, you want to connect to the land. Israel is holy land, and we therefore connect to it when we eat. You still eat at a table. You're not an animal.

So, take over the park or your front lawn. Hang that Israeli flag (if you're in America, don't hang an American flag- Americans will protest that). Blast that Jewish music you love, maybe some Shteeble Hoppers, and get the Hebrew pumping in your veins. Try to find some chicken dogs at some discount store, make that BBQ a Mangal, and wave at it like a good Nifnoofer. Your neighbors might even think you're saying 'Shalom' to them, and start to like the Jews.
​Remember: It's Independence Day, and as any good American, we Israelis celebrate with a BBQ.