Since the Jews didn’t get massacred on Purim, we celebrate by giving gift baskets to our friends and neighbors, known as Mishloach Manot. The rabbis of the time found it very important to celebrate Jewish victories with wicker.
As history has it, many of the first Mishloach Manot were met with skepticism, as the Jews of the time were scared the gift baskets contained bombs. They were still worried about Haman's planned massacre, and gift baskets can be quite crafty. Being that none of the baskets were wired, the tradition of giving Mishloach Manot without detonation devices is now a Mitzvah.
The gift basket must include at least two types of foods that your friends will have to throw out before Pesach. And that summarizes the history and Halachot of Mishloach Manot.
Over the years I have received many Mishloach Manot. And there is one rule that all Jews follow; when giving Mishloach Manot be sure that it contains something you don't want. Here are a few items that should be in your gift baskets.

Give Lemon Wafers
Nobody likes lemon wafers. They come stale. That is how they are made. Thus, making it the perfect item to place in your gift basket. Not just inedible, it is also hard to clean for Pesach.
If you purchased a mixed package, pull out the chocolate wafers (people like those) and tinfoil the lemon wafers into your Mishloach Manot.
 
Stuff Still in Your Pantry
Do not give away food you will eat. That is a waste. Think about your Mishloach Manot like a food drive collection bin for poor people. You have tuna you haven’t used in four years, throw it in there. Give beans, rice, anything that is taking up room in your cabinets and is past expiration.
Canned vegetables is optimal. A can of peas and carrots is perfect. Nobody likes that.
 
Make Hamentashen
People like chocolate hamentashen. This is why it is proper etiquette to give poppy seed hamentashen. People don’t like poppy seed hamentashen. People like chocolate, so you make poppy seed hamentashen. It looks like chocolate hamentashen, and then whamo, a surprise right in their basket. It always puts a smile on the face of the recipient when they get something they don’t want.
 
Give Candies
Make sure that whatever you give the people is something that they do not allow their children to eat. Taffy is perfect; bad for the metabolism and the teeth.
Nobody wants leftover Halloween candy you found on sale at the grocery, which again makes sweets optimal for Mishloach Manot. As I always say: It's never the wrong time to shop at the Christmas Tree Shops.

Take Out The Good Stuff
If using Mishloach Manot from other people, take out any decent bottles of wine. Sometimes the Feigenblums make a mistake and give something decent, along with the poppy seed. Thus, always check the basket before reMishloaching.
This is also the reason why everybody thinks the Feigenblums are cheap. Not fair to them, but you should enjoy the wine. It is a mitzvah to be happy.
And many people have asked me why the Feigenblums made out their Mishloach Manot card to me, when it was to be given to them. For that, I blame the Feigenblums.

Put in Stuff You Don’t Want
I cannot reiterate this enough. If you cannot return it to the store, that is Mishloach Manot. Don’t waste money on your friends. It is the thought that counts, and you care about the world. Hence, you recycle, and you let your friends pay for dinner when you go out with them.
Go Green: Leftovers from two Shabbats ago is perfect for the gift basket (or gift bin). By that time, the choolante should be hard enough to not mess up the Hamentashen. Files that you can’t find the heart to throw out. Perfect for Mishloach Manot. Taxes are good, as tax season is coming. Old pictures. Expired passport photos. It doesn’t have to just be food. Anything you need to throw in the bin can also be Mishloach Manot.

The idea is to get rid of stuff. The less you have to throw out for Pesach, the better. Mishloach Manot is a time to start cleaning out your home of stuff you don't want. Which means the Feigenblum's Mishloach Manot.

Announcements
Shiva will take place at 3pm on Wednesday. Refreshments will be served. Please don't show to the Perlstein family's home before that. They don't want to celebrate till Wednesday.
 
The rabbi comforted the family with a hug. He didn't mean to hug anybody. He takes it back. He did not realize anybody would be offended. He didn’t know what to do. She was ninety and crying. He didn't know that was abuse.
Statement from the Rabbi: 'I will try not to be friendly anymore. I did not know that being friendly and showing people you care is creepy.'

This week's Kiddish honors the one who cleaned the railing. It was full of dust. Way to take step up for the shul, Cal. Your heart desires. Kol Hakavod. There's less dust. You're an inspiration. A fine example of a Jew.
 
Donation week is coming. The office will be in touch to collect your donations from three years ago that you haven't given yet. We've given up on anything more than four years ago. The IRS will deal with that. We're just ashamed that you're part of this congregation.
As it is donation week, you can drop off your donations.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 25:2) 'Take for Me a portion from every man whose heart motivates him...' The shul office is going to start taking money out of people's bank accounts. As the Torah says to take...
H' commands a portion for Him. You haven't donated anything to the shul that is worth... A Terumah is a portion. Something decent. Acacia wood. It's not just a donation. You donated your baseball glove from little league and pine wood. Who gives pine?... Acacia wood is quality stuff. Who doesn’t love acacia wood…
Terumah is a portion. A portion of something you like. Something decent... You have been dropping off your garbage at the shul for... The new pantry outside the shul has your garbage. Every night, you should be putting in a portion of dinner. Cut off a piece of the steak and stick it in the pantry... Poor people should not get your canned peas... Canned peas are garbage... The can was open... The expiration should've already been. That stuff is three years beyond. The fact that the expiration is 2045 is wrong... It was so bad, you got rid of it 22 years early.

Every man gave a portion to H' when they had a decent heart... Decent hearts are motivated... You don't understand portions, because you don't have a decent heart. You understand getting rid of stuff that takes up space.
What do you give to shul?... No. Those are plastic flowers... They gave shoham stones. They gave aromatic incense.
There was Channel 5 given at the last fundraiser. It smells good. But now the shul smells like a retirement village... Not just Sadie's section. The men's section does too. We went from potpourri to Channel 5...
No. You don't donate to a Shiva. We don't need more death. I understand you care, but we don't need more death to be donated to the community... I hope you're not motivated to help with death. I know you don't like your husband...

You're motivated to give. I get it. You're motivated to give stuff you don't want. But you would keep the shoham stone. It's good stuff. You give the shul mood rocks. Worst donation... I have never seen so many angry people. Then the Gabai decides to pass it to people when they get an Aliyah. The new shul rule was that nobody who is happy should have an Aliyah... Well. That's what the mood rock showed.
You see. None of you ever give the decent stuff... Your eggplant parmesan is disgusting...
Acacia wood. You give acacia wood and the Testimony is put in there... The tablets. No. We don't put garbage in the ark.
You can’t donate your garbage instead of money...
 
We’re honoring everything now. That's what happens when you get bad donations, you end up honoring everybody with a Kiddish and a dinner.
The guy cleaned a little. It’s great. Does he need a Kiddish… I said 'Shabbat Shalom' to some people. Does that get a Kiddish…
It’s not volunteering. He ran his handkerchief over the handrail. There’s an issue when there are no Kiddish standards.
We should work it like the Tabernacle. If you donate decent stuff, you get a Kiddish. If you give a breastplate you get a Kiddish. If you build the Aron, you get a Kiddish. Standards... No. Not if you bring three bags of hand-me-downs... What are we going to build in the shul with bell-bottoms?!
 
At least, when you get honored, donate something… I have a heart. That's why I donate decent stuff, like a finger pointer... Well. Not everybody is good at pointing. That's why we have a vessel for it.
People are vessels of emotion...
She needed comforting… She lost her husband, her sister, her friend… She’s ninety. She’s lost everyone. She's ninety... How am I creep for comforting her and caring...
 
And why is Shiva a program now? You do Shiva when somebody dies. That’s Shiva. There aren’t Shiva times… So you don’t sleep for a week. They're dead. Are we forgetting they're dead?!...
What kind of a person gets good sleep when their spouse passes away??
 
No more hugs. I don’t want to be locked up for caring for people who are mourning... I get it. Caring is creepy...
 
Your heart desires to blame your rabbi for caring.
Nobody's heart desires to donate. The office is going to take money out of your bank accounts to collect dues. That's why it says 'Take for Me a portion.' Because you guys give nothing willingly...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Finally, somebody explained the Yad. The finger pointer now makes sense.

They really do honor everybody. Why do I need to say Mazel Tov after shul every time I want Danish, Kichel or herring.
 
The rabbi banned the mood rock, as everybody in the shul was mad. The shul was in a constantly angry mood and the rabbi didn't want to see it on a rock, in maroon.

I got great sleep once my husband died. The night after the funeral, I had so much more bed to sleep on. Amazing sleep. No snoring. If I get married again, I'm not sharing a bed.
 
Specifically on Wednesday. That’s when Shiva is. As if they scheduled the program and planned it.
The new shul tradition is to have an assortment of refreshments for the Shiva guests. Now, your spouse dies and you're expected to host. 
Refreshments???!!! Like a party. The congregants treat everything like a Simcha. 'Merel is dead. Mazel Tov.'
Then, some congregants bring food. So, now it's a potluck party. Some have made the decision to have Shiva picnics.

People were offended by the hug. The lady came to the rabbi and leaned on him. What's he supposed to do? Let her drop?
 
The membership took dropping off donations as dropping off their trash. Tons of garbage bags full of stuff were found at the back entrance.
They heard pantry from the rabbi. Some started dropping off their laundry. Others dropped off their storage and asked the shul where they will keep it. To quote Mark, ‘It’s cheaper than paying for Cubes R Us.'
‘Ashamed you’re part of the congregation.’ I think that means the office is ashamed of the whole shul membership.
Donation week was the worst idea the shul ever had. That’s why the rabbi didn’t mention it. Anything that people were going to try to sell in the spring was brought to the shul. So, every pointless item that nobody wants at a garage sale was brought to the shul. I have never seen so much wicker in mu life. They should call it garbage drop off week.

The other part of donation week is collecting pledges (that's really what it's for- awareness for paying the shul) people haven’t given in years. It’s pathetic. It’s harder to collect the money than to get people to give it. People get all egotistical when they get up in front of the congregation for Aliyahs. The shul must’ve raised forty thousand dollars last year from Aliyahs. They collected two. Two hundred dollars. I say they collect the money upfront. If they did that, there would be less fights. It would be the first time Shlomo and Sid wouldn't fight over who's getting the Aliyah. Sid would give in every time.
The shul started going into people’s accounts. Some complained that they went into overdraft for an Aliyah.

Shivas have had some stragglers. People like to hang out in other people's homes, as they don't have to clean.
People enjoy the Shivas too much. Especially the deceased's family members. The rabbi has had to put out many announcements about not having disco music at the Shiva houses, even if people are happy. Why our community is stuck on disco is something I will never understand.

Jewish Humor Foundation's (JHF) First Fundraiser
JHF is the charity organization that supports the Kibbitzer Magazine.

Jokes For Dollars
David Kilimnick has an hour to tell as many Borscht Belt Style jokes as he can.
You can sponsor per joke, or pledge a huge sum.
 
To Sponsor and Pledge: contact [email protected] or call David at 585-738-9233.
DONATE by clicking here
 
In an effort to support the upkeep and continued growth of the Kibbitzer Magazine, spreading holy word of laughter, bringing joy to our elders, as well as those that are housebound, and to start the next projects of the Jewish Humor Foundation, we are looking to raise 50k.
Your partnership with laughter will help us reach our goals and spread the joys of Jewish laughter. See the www.jewishhumorfoundation.org for our mission statement and some of the projects we support.

It's Adar and it's the month to bring awareness of Jewish laughter. As we give money to the poor to help all celebrate the holidays, let us also bring them laughs.
David has brought many laughs to seniors and nursing home residents over the past year with the Borscht Belt style, and he's looking forward to spreading the awareness of mother-in-law jokes.
 
The show of jokes is to take place at the end of Adar. All donors and JHF partners will be informed.

Thank you for your love of laughter and Support.
Brachas vAhava

I didn't learn much Torah in Yeshiva. Even so, I learned how to talk right. Nu. Vsmachsti. No idea what it means. but I know sounds good. And if I mumble, they'll think I'm Frum. And that is more important than learning Torah.
You can't join the Frum community if you don't know how talk right. Here are some simple rules to follow when talking Frum.

Throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish Word Every Time You Have a Chance
Be sure to have at least one Yiddish or Hebrew word in every other sentence. Hebrew is fine. Most Yeshiva guys nowadays don't know Hebrew isn't Yiddish. You can get away with Hebrew. In Israel, you may want to stick to Yiddish. In Israel, the Yeshiva Bachurs know the difference between the two, as Yiddish uses a 'saf.'
Anytime you have a chance, throw in a Hebrew word. It gives weight to your side of the argument. You throw in Hebrew, if it sounds like Yiddish, people believe you and they know you're closer to Gd.
LMayseh. That's a word. Just throw it in. You don't have to know what it means. 'LMayseh. We picked up milk.' That's a word. Lichoyrah. Another excellent word. 'Lichoyrah. The burger and Wendy's was a bissel dry.'
You don't have to use the words correctly. You just have to know how to space them. As long as you use it, it's correct. Lichoyrah. Davkah. Gashmius.
Add a 'saf' to any word and you look good. Bitachon. No. It's Bisachon. And if you're really Frum, it's Bisachoynis. Notice the usage of the 'oy' and the extra 'saf.' The 'oy' is very important. When you're talking as a religious Jew, you should have a complaint in each word. An 'oy' should be present in your vernacular at all times. In the word 'Bisachoynis' you can hear how Frum I am, and how much I am feeling my arthritis.
Just be sure to mumble when you talk. The more you mumble, the more it sounds Yiddish to the Bachurs.
Aramaic is not used. We learn in it. We don't talk it. Why? Because nobody understands it, nobody speaks it nowadays, and they're not sure if it's Yiddish yet. Otherwise, guys would be throwing a 'Mayszvey' into every sentence.
Gishmack is timeless. You can always throw in the word Gishmack.

Don't Overdo It
As they say, 'Stay in your lane.' They'll figure you out. I can only educate as far as black hat goes. Dati Leumi, black hat, Yeshivish. That's the extent of the breadth of my knowledge. Chassidic and Israeli Frum, you're on your own.
I was working kosher and the head Mashgiach came and was asking me questions. I said Baruch H' at least twenty times. He was Chassidic and he knew I was a second-rate Jew. For Kosher work you have to at least throw in one Yiddish word.
The Mashgiach guy knew I knew nothing when he saw I didn't know Yiddish. And then when he saw I wasn't mumbling, he insisted I'm not religious and I should be fired. The amount of food they threw out due to my lack of Yiddish knowledge had communities starving for weeks.

Don't Use English Too Much
If you want to look like you know what you're talking about, don't use English. You look like a fool when you make any Jewish point in English. You can't talk about Paskesz without sprinkling in some Yiddish. Just the English name Paskesz itself is Yiddish. Even if you're talking about the shul's building fund, you look like a fool if there's no 'saf' or 'oy.'
You will never win an argument if you're speaking English. Once they thrown in Hebrew or Yiddish, you've lost the argument. Arguing about whether it's fine to return soup to the stove on Shabbat. 'It's Bishul.' You see. They threw in Hebrew.  That sounds like Yiddish. They won. And you look like an Am HaAretz.
Remember, it's better to look good than to learn. Reading Hebrew is considered learning, even if you don't understand a word of it. Reading English is considered reading. You learn in the Beis Medrish. Frum Jews learn.

Next time we will discuss the importance of being loud in the Beis Medrish, and how to mumble when raising your voice. After that, we will focus on how to use your hands to express with a supinated hand position and a shoulder shrug of discontent.
Oy. This is such a Gishmack article. With all the writing, I feel it a bissel in my elbow. Bsuroyis Toyvois.

Announcements
We need people for a Minyin. It's called a quorum. We need people for that. Without people, you don't have a quorum. That's why it's called a quorum.
The rabbi said that the message should be to show up to shul. The reason? It's shul. Show up.
 
Board elected was decided. No opponents. Penina and Saul were voted in. If somebody can find Penina and Saul and let them know they were voted in, that would be appreciated. The office can't find them.
Please note, the office was able to find them. And then, right after the elections, they have not been able to be contacted. We don't know why. But please help us find them.
 
Slavery in our community must stop. We've heard mothers in our community saying they're slaving in the kitchen. Kitchen slavery is not right. The rabbi is announcing that every home must have a crockpot. Ovens and timers are a form of slavery.
 
Next week's class is titled 'Jewish Men are Not Handy and Their Wives Don't Like That.' We will teach Jewish men how to turn a screwdriver without calling somebody. The class on hammers will be a four part series, with handymen, who know how to use their hands.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 21:6) If the slave wants to stay 'his master shall bring him... to the door or the doorpost and his master shall bore through his ear with an awl...' I did not want to stay as rabbi of this shul. Next Shmitah, I am out... I pierced my tongue before I became religious...
You don't pierce with a nail unless if it's been sanitized. Safety comes first when hacking through a slave's ear...

It's better to pierce in a doorpost, Then you can use the hole for a Mezuzah. You pierce in the door, it's an eyesore... Nobody measures their kids on the door itself. The doorpost...
No. Piercings are not supported for men... They didn't pierce the ear and have guys walking around with lintels in their ears. Jambs were not a style...
No. You can't hit people. You can only pierce a hole with an awl in the ear of your slave... Slavery is wrong... I get it. It's still wrong...
Slaves were fashionable.

Why pierce the ear? Rashi teaches it's the ear that heard at Har Sina that 'to Me Bnei Yisrael are servants.' We should be serving Gd... Rabbi Yochanan's teaching of the ear that said to not steal, is the other reason given... And here he wants to stay for his wife and children? What parent in this shul wouldn't run away if they could?... You don't seem to care. Your kids run all over the halls...
He was sold into slavery because he stole. I can't tell you how many Aliyahs the Gabai has stolen from...

Even if your wife has pierced ears, she should not be slaving over lasagna. It's wrong. No woman should have to open an oven to see if something is good... Neither should men have to slave in kitchens. It's enough.
Rashi teaches in the name of Rabbi Shimon that it's the door jambs that are the witness in Mitzrayim that we should be servants to Gd and not servants to servants, when H' passed over our homes... If I had a witness for how messed up the board is... That's why we can't get board members to serve more than one term. It's the only Mitzvah they keep. No more than one term... But you don't show up to shul. So, you're not serving Gd... You're here today. That's not showing up to shul.
Minyin. Yes. It's every day... It’s a Mitzvah... This is a shul. That's why we have a shul... No. It's not for Challah baking. It's not for potluck dinners... Love the crocheting club. But it's for Minyin. That's why we have shul...
You can’t have a Minyin without people… The rabbi can’t do everything by himself. I know you hired me and I get paid. But I can't count myself as more than one person... You can't pay somebody to be the whole Minyin. Money doesn't cover... You don't even pay your dues. Why are we talking about money...

Of course He passed over homes, if it was this community with its bad construction... H’ would’ve passed over the homes of our members because of how poorly they’re constructed. Worst architecture I have ever seen. No pride...

Even if you were a slave, you couldn't build a door... That's pathetic. You'd have to call a handyman. A man with hands… They’re not slaves. They’re men with hands. Do you even have hands?... You can hire somebody to work on your home. It looks messed up right now... It's not slavery to pay. Which is why you should all pay your dues.
You would not hit the nail with a hammer. You'd miss the nail. That's why we're having a class... No. They didn't higher handymen to pierce the ears with an awl.
 
There are rules. Mishpatim. Laws... Minyin. Show up.

Rivka’s Rundown
Now. Asides from the crocheting and Challah baking classes, we have wood-shop classes in shul.
 
The rabbi having to explain slavery is wrong took a long time. Around twenty minute conversation. Many members don't like to pay their contractors on time.
After the slavery discussion, the women now want contractors to cook dinner. They're saying that if their men need to hire somebody to change a light, they should get lasagna made too.
Nobody showed up to Challah baking this week, due to the rabbi's message of it being slavery.
Why should their men allowed to be incapable?! As a woman, I can tell you, it's a turnoff when you hear that a congregant had a heart-attack because he had to change a bulb with a screwdriver. And it was too much for him.
The women are truly turned off by the men in our shul. The rabbi is correct. They're men without hands. Non-handymen.
 
The discussion of Minyin being important to shul was had. That was another half hour of Torah explanation of how a quorum means more than one. The congregants were mad that they're paying the rabbi and he can't do the Minyin.
That was a strongly worded announcement. ‘It’s shul. Show up.’ I guess people haven’t been showing up.
The membership is happy. Now they know they're doing something wrong. Now people understand why we have a shul. To blame the rabbi.

The rabbi tried to say he was not a Baal Teshuva, though he became more religious. He just hates Baal Teshuvas.
 
Penina and Saul ran. Once they heard that somebody delegated them to the board, they ran. They’re now off the grid.
Voting in people without their knowing is the new form of elections in our shul. It works. It's the only way to get people onto the board. I think its this new generation. These kids nowadays don't know how to sit in a meeting where nothing is happening. I'm afraid for the future of boards and committees.
Last year they tried having people nominate themselves. We went half a year without a board. At least the rabbi said it wasn't a real board. He hates the board more than Baal Teshuvas. Now, the office nominates and delegates and then they tell the people.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Zoom meetings with people wearing masks, Turkish coffee and pantries on front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at people trying to feed the poor.

As Valentine's Day is not a Jewish holiday, it gets me thinking about bad dates I've been on. We all have our stories, and most women have theirs about me. Here are a bunch of mine, not including every Shidduch date, blind date, I have ever been on.

The Time She Decided to Be Shomeret Negiah
I didn't enjoy that date very much.
She decided she wanted to be Shomeret Negiah with me. She decided to start with me. Just with me. She said, 'I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys starting now. With you. With other guys, I touched them. We did everything. But I want this to be a meaningful relationship. So, I don't want to touch you.' It was at that moment, I decided I wanted a non-meaningful relationship. She ended that statement with 'and you never touch me!'
Second date, I asked her to marry me. She wanted to know why and I told her, 'Because I want to touch you!' I felt left out. Every other guy did.

Rejected from Blind Date Shidduch
She was not attracted to the thought of me. That hurt.

Zoom Date
That was either the next level of Shomer Negiahness or COVID.
That girl got mad at me because I wanted to see her in person. She claimed that I was crude and didn't understand the ways of the world. She wanted to report me to the Shadchan.
I tried reasoning that it's hard to have an intimate 2D relationship. That got her angrier. She didn't like guys that were not in flat screen form. She even got mad when I sent her a set of red and blue white cardboard glasses. She refused to see guys in 3D form. She said it makes her dizzy.
I was bothered, as I had no idea how to form a relationship with somebody I can't see. How do we go out?! How do you eat together online?! She put up a park with blanket laid out on her green screen. Next thing I know, she's sitting on her basement floor with a picnic basket. Then, I see a car moving on her green screen with her sitting in it. She wanted to give it the full effect of us going out on a date. She even photo-shopped my face into the guy driving.
She wanted virtual kids, and developing this relationship was virtually impossible.

Girl Who Called Me Cheap
I took her to Black Burger. How is that cheap?!!! Eighteen dollars a hamburger. Big one is twenty-five dollars. You can't call me cheap.
I asked about the sign. That's when she called me cheap. Cheap for asking a question about a sign that had 'sale' plastered on it. I would think they would want people to ask about it. You'd have to be a fool not to.
I had some questions. Here are a few of them: Is that burger really twenty-five dollars? Does that come with another burger? Are you sure it's a burger? Is the burger a ribeye? You sure it's a burger? Is she supposed to pay for her burger?
Next date, I showed up with coupons. Twenty-five dollars?!! How can you not pull out a coupon?! Yes. I am still stuck on twenty-five dollars a burger. If we were married, I would be bringing the twenty-five dollars up every day. If she ever complained about rent, I would bring up the twenty-five dollars. 'We sending the kids to Jewish day school?' 'I spent twenty-five dollars on a hamburger.'

Girl I Forgot I Dated
That was awkward. She thought I wanted to give it a second chance. I just forgot how bad the first time was. Personally, I have a tendency of forgetting traumatic experiences. Traumatic experiences would be every Shidduch date I have been on.

The JDate Date
I thought she was Jewish.
She said she was a lover of Jews. Israel can use more supporters. And JDate is doing a great job of encouraging that.
Next time I'm looking to date a Jewish girl, I'll check out muslimpersonals.com.

Divorcee
I called, I hear a kid crying. Then I hear another kid crying. I am on the other side of the phone, I hear a third kid start crying, I started to cry. We went out and all she talked about were how important her kids are. She didn't want to hear about my pet hamster. I thought that was selfish of her. I nurtured that hamster.
We went out with her again. I figured they're getting child support. I can use that money.
I didn't know Chuck E. Cheese cost that much. When you have to feed the kids too, I can't afford dates. I think she was just trying to score free meals for the little ones. I had to get their dad to wire money for the pizza. After he wired the money that second date got better. All I know is that hamsters are not that expensive.
Truth is it was a kosher pizza place in the food court. There were games. It felt like Chuck E. Cheese. Not going to lie. It was awkward going on a date with her kids, because she couldn't find a sitter, but I had a lot of fun jumping in the balls bin.
From now on, I always tell divorcees that they have to pay for their children if the kids are tagging along. If they can find a sitter, that's great, but they I am not wealthy enough to chip in for those either. That's unless there are coupons involved.

If there is anything you can learn from me... get married, so you don't have to go out. It's always awkward.
For all the ladies out there who want a good date at a falafel stand, check me out on JDate.

Announcements
Somebody died. We didn't get the name, but they are related to people that are in the congregation. Whoever it is did not share their name or the name of the deceased. They just asked we announce death. The shul doesn't have information. It's a death and we wish them the best. They were a Tzadik.
 
Leadership is changing next month. The office will be calling people to join the board. Please do not change your phone numbers like last year.
 
Guest speakers will not happen after this week. We thought it would be nice to have guest speakers, but the rabbi still gives his sermon. Until we can figure out a way to not have the rabbi speak, we will stay away from guest speakers.
 
We want to commend all of those that are still wearing masks for ZoomMitzvahs. Showing up to a Bar Mitzvah online with a mask shows how much you care about keeping people safe that you are not in contact with. We commend you for not passing on diseases to yourself.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom Congregation Beis Emes uSefillah...
It is a great honor to be here. Yitro is an amazing father-in-law and you are such an amazing congregation. Yitro would have said that. (Sermon was stopped by the congregants and the rabbi took over. It was nauseating how kind the guest speaker was. They booed her- the rabbi took over here).

Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... I am sorry for that. You all know how annoying you are... You can stop cheering.
Was Moshe an annoying son-in-law? The Torah doesn't say. However, I can tell you that Shmuel is an extremely annoying son-in-law. He's just annoying... (Shemot 18:12) ‘Yitro, the father-in-law of Moshe, took an elevation offering and feast offerings to Gd, and Aharon and all the elders of Israel came to eat bread with the father-in-law of Moshe...' You don't even sponsor a Kiddish. Your father-in-law came, you didn't even have herring... That's why he doesn't like you...
Sacrifices are an excuse to eat. You're in the mood for a decent steak, you thank Gd and you can now enjoy it with the boys... Aharon and the elders came because there was food. They wouldn't have been there if there wasn't decent food... You come to shul for Kiddish. Not for guest speakers (everybody cheered)... Moshe would've at least had a Kiddish for his father-in-law.

The Torah talks about Yitro because he was a good father-in-law... Greg isn't a good father-in-law... That's why the family talks about you. You’re bad... Greg. You come in and tell your son-in-law how to fix everything. You might as well tell him he can't upkeep his house... I know he's a loser...
Yitro told Moshe how to judge a nation. You're telling him how to fix a sink... Yitro didn't care that Moshe had uneven floors...
Let's talk about in-laws. People who hate you... If Yitro was your father-in-law, he wouldn't visit. If I get saved from the shul, my family will visit...
 
Why are you wearing a mask?... Sorry. I didn't know you were allergic to your mother-in-law...

What was the Chazin doing… What were you doing? You went on for eight minutes. You were like a guest speaker (cheers)… It was one word.
I think you lost the whole congregation. Our Chazin is a father-in-law... Then, you're just rude.
The Chazin should’ve been wearing a mask. To stop us from having to listen to him.
 
Worst announcement ever. ‘Death’… You put something personal in there… Then make something up. 'They are survived by people.' Give some information...
They were definitely not a Tzadik... I am just going with percentage of members of our shul. Chances are they weren't a Tzadik. Yitro was a Tzadik... Where is Simmy. I haven't seen him for a while. I know he was very sick. Deathly ill...
You personalize the experience. That’s what happened with Yitro. He connected because it was personal. They had dinner with him… Where is Simmy?!
 
And yes. I am apologizing for the leadership. Yitro was a leader. Moshe was a leader. Kevin is not a leader… How did he get voted to the board?
Shmuel. His father-in-law was so proud of Moshe that he mentions it to everybody. 'I'm Yitro. The fahter-in-law of Moshe'... I didn't even know that was your father-in-law... The Torah doesn't mention him...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The in-laws’ part of the speech had everybody on edge. Each member of the shul was worried their in-laws were about to visit.
 
Death is a big thing in the shul. People love hearing about it. I think they read the announcements for death. If there weren’t obituaries, half of our congregation would get the local paper. If the New York Times had obituaries, our congregation would read that for the local news.
I think that bringing up death relaxed people, after hearing about their in-laws.
Our rabbi has to visit the sick more. He had no idea Simmy passed away.
Everybody seems to be a Tzadik when they die. No matter what, they're a Tzadik. A total jerk, but when they die, a Tzadik.
 
Our rabbi jumped in and the congregation was relieved to hear how annoying they are. The guest speaker was too positive. The congregants started booing them. She wasn't tough enough to rebuke us. The membership senses weakness. They're animals.
The rabbi literally took over the sermon. I think he even booed the guest speaker for being too kind, along with the congregation.
I don't think that any guest speaker wants to come to our congregation now.
 
I like how the rabbi brought in Kiddish and how that is the same as sacrifices. Tuna salad and Kichel are holy.
Sacrifices are a way to get away from the family. You tell your spouse it's for Gd and you can get a night out. I understand sacrifices now, for the husbands.
 
Beautiful leadership point. Kevin shouldn't be on the board. And his in-laws probably hate him too.
Nobody wanted to join the board. The office couldn’t reach anybody. They tried convincing people in person, when they showed to Minyin. People stopped showing to Minyin. To reach people, the office bought a burner phone. Finally, they guilted Penina and Saul to join the board for this coming year.
 
These people will find any way to wear a mask. I saw somebody in their car, by themselves wearing a mask.
 
The Chazin just went off. No idea. Eyes were closed. He was in his own world. I am sure it was beautiful to the Chazin. All I heard was one note.
The rabbi did get the choir to come. The choir came and sung Motown. They were an evangelical choir. The Jews are now going to R&B concerts for religious inspiration.

Make your wife happy the first year.
After the first year, don't even try. It won't happen.
For one year you should make her happy. After that, you can be honest. Complaining about her cooking is suggested. After the first year, there is no reason you should be eating dried out corned beef anymore. Arguing about the kids after the first year of marriage is also tradition. You will want to blame her side of the family for anything that is off in the child.
For the first year you have to smile. After that, football games are the best way to spend your time. TV should be running all the time. Don't even try to make her happy after the first year. She married you. It won't happen.

The Pasuk teaches, (Devarim 24:5) ‘When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go to the army, and not obligate himself to anything. He shall be free for his home for one year, and he shall make is wife whom he has married happy.’
It's already enough to try make his new wife happy. We don't want to throw anything else on him, like war.
After the first year, get out of the house as fast as you can. Problems start after the first year. At that point, you should be hanging out with the boys. That's how you keep a marriage together.
After the first year, it’s better he goes to war. Usually, the wife insists, ‘Get out of the house and do something.' Many times they request the husband goes to the frontlines.
Once the fights start, that's your sign to get out. Enlist. War is preferable. It allows you more time out of the house. And there is less fighting in war.
Many fights have been caused by the 'not obligating himself to anything' part. Many husbands have used this as an excuse to relax for the year. Wives have used 'a good for nothing' to describe their husbands who keep this Mitzvah. 'He's a good for nothing.' Once she starts calling you a good for nothing and yells at you for not having a job, that's when you should go to war. Join a tank unit. It will be harder for her to find you there.

How many old wives does he have? That’s a question. That might be why this new one is mad at him.

The most important take away from our Mitzvah today is to not try to make your wife happy after the first year. That is too much already. And as we know, you can't ask somebody to keep a Mitzvah that's impossible to do.

Your seat at the Yeshiva's Beis Medrish (House of Torah study, known as a Beit Midrash to those who are not religious) is called your Makom. Your place. When you're at Yeshiva it's essential you make that area yours. Claim it by all means necessary. You need to take up room at your Makom, and the successful modern Yeshiva Bachur has mastered this.
Living in Israel for many years, I have studied space and gotten hit by many Yeshiva Bachurs trying to get to the Kotel. Here are some modern methods I have learned for how to setup your Makom and take up space in the Yeshiva Beis Medrish.

A Huge Tall Shtender
At the base of a good Makom is the Shtender. I saw a huge one that took up half the table with above table height of four feet, and I knew that's a Yeshiva Bachur who knows what he's doing.
We used to have table top Shtenders. It was collapsible, just in case you had a Chavrusa who also needed room at your Makom, or somebody else came and kicked you out of your Makom. The small collapsible was good in case of a tornadoes and when bullies were learning about morals during Musar Seder near you.
The little flip-up travel size book holders for the Sefarim, with a pine tree in the Holy City of Jerusalem drawn under your name written in Safrut, which is probably Asur, are not used anymore. They're too short and Jerusalem looks nothing like that. As people have gotten bigger, so have Shtenders.
The modern Shtender should at least reach your neck. A podium on the table is optimal. It's about Shtender height. Average Yeshiva Bachur is 5'4". Average Shtender 5'10". The idea is that Yeshiva Bachurs should never have to bend. I can't advise you how to bow during the Amidah with a successful Shtender.
Why many of the Yeshiva Bachurs still walk with a hunched over back, I can't tell you. They do it and they can't even see their Shtender. It's pure humility. Aneevus.
The smallest Shtender a true Talmid Chacham has nowadays is the double-decker Shtender, allowing you a Shtender in all positions of sitting, standing and hunching.

Bookcase Under the Shtender
As there is room on the table, a full bookcase should be under the podium.
We used to have a pile. Then it turned into a row of Sefarim at the Makom with bookends. Now, it's a full triple story bookcase with a Shtender on top, and a row of books with a pile on it. The point is that each Yeshiva Bachur should have a library at the Beis Medrish with all bookshelves at table height or higher.
They have a library there, on the Yeshiva walls. Then, you have your library at your Makom.
What is in your tabletop library? Everything they have on the walls. You can have big Sefarim, however it is preferable to have every Sefer ever written in miniature form. This way, when you need the Sefer you know you have it at your Makom, and you can go to the Yeshiva's walls to get the Sefer that you can read.

Pace
You want to cover ground when learning. A good radius of ten meters around your Makom is what you should be covering in the Beis Medrish. Your Shtender should already be covering the table.
You want to show your dominance over the area. If people are sitting and they're taking up some row space with their chairs and table, be sure to bump them as you pass. Let them know it's your area.
It's also a Mitzvah to keep in shape. So be sure to walk. You don't want to be Mivatel Torah when working out. Going to the gym takes you away from learning Torah, and that's forbidden. Hence, the best place to work out is the Beis Medrish. This is why the Gemaras are so big. It's for the lifting. So, make sure you get in your steps in afternoon Seder (the Seder is the order of the day). Pacing with a Gemara is excellent cardio. Double that with prayer swaying, and you're getting wiser and shedding pounds. I wouldn't suggest Torah Hagbbaing until you can carry a full set of a wedding size Gemaras around your Makom.
You may want to also stretch before learning. Many have cramped up pacing during the three hour morning Seder. You can use the Yeshiva's bookshelves to get in a decent calf stretch.

Roller Chair
You want a roller chair with an armrest. Armrests take up more room. Preferably a high back. The more you roll around, the more it helps claim your area.
You want to focus on comfort at your Makom. If you're not falling asleep in the Beis Medrish, you're not spending enough time there. That's what I say when I'm rolling around my pacing area, knocking into people with my armrests, or sleeping during Seder (daily learning time).

Pile Up Sefarim
Even with the bookcase at your seat, you should have book piles. Take whatever books you can off the Yeshiva's shelves and pile them at your table. It takes up more space and shows you know what's going on.
Make sure they're Hebrew books. Otherwise, they're not Sefarim. There is no such thing as an English Sefer that is not for kids. Any book in English looks pathetic. A Jastrow is fine, as that dictionary is harder to understand than Hebrew itself. Your Makom should look like that of a researcher of books you can't translate.
The idea is to not be able to see the table.

The Yeshiva does have lower shelves at the bookcase. I don't understand why. Nobody bends. I think that's where the Machshava Sefarim are. The low shelves can also be used as a foot rest.
Whatever you do, never return the Yeshiva's Sefarim to the shelves. And remember, if you don’t have money for huge Shtenders and roller chairs to take up space, you have pacing, the piling method and your elbows.

Announcements
From now on, only people that read Hebrew can lead Davening. What Frank does is not considered reading. It's considered painful. Our membership is not religious enough to endure that much pain.
For more painfulness, everybody is invited to the board meeting on Wednesday.
 
Ukraine is still happening. That gives people something to talk about.
We will have a talking group about the war in the Ukraine so that nobody has to bother other people at Kiddish. The Kiddish committee is hoping that this will allow people to enjoy their choolante.
 
The guest speaker will be talking about why shul and Snow White are very similar, and how the dwarfs left Egypt.
 
The shul is hosting an egg drive. Anybody who can afford to purchase eggs should donate money to the shul as well. You are wealthy and selfish. We don't who you stole from, but nobody can afford eggs on a regular salary.
 
This Tu BShvat we will serve dried fruit tea. We will also sing 'Jerusalem of Gold' at the Seder, to fulfill the ritual of singing 'Jerusalem of Gold.'
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

That's not reading Hebrew. That is learning to read Hebrew and we just witnessed the pain one goes through when one learns Hebrew... I cannot express how painful it is to have to be part of that when I am trying to finish Aleyinu and to get home to eat... On behalf of the shul, I ask you all for forgiveness for Frank's slow leading of the Davening. It was longer than Yom Kippur Davening. I thought he was doing Ashamnu... I started hitting my chest... I am sorry for the suffering. That kind of pain should've ended when we left Egypt... Many of the Jews ran out in haste.

(Shemot 14:8) Paroh decided to chase them and pursue them 'And the children Israel went out with an upraised arm.' I feel like Frank tried to chase everybody out of shul... The Jews went out fast. They ran. They didn't start exchanging phone numbers and their new addresses with their Egyptian neighbors that used to whip them. You don't want these people following you, knocking on your door, reminiscing the good old times when you were able to break your back for them...
If Frank was leading Davening, the Jews would've never made it out of Egypt... Paroh might have let them out earlier. I am not sure...
 
What does Snow White have to do with leaving Egypt? You can't compare everything to Disney... I am sorry I didn't bring Snow White into the Dvar Torah. I know it's not a modern day Dvar Torah if I talk Torah...
And it has nothing to do with Ukraine... Slavery is not war. You cannot compare everything to slavery... Having to cook in your kitchen and cook is not slavery. Even if you say 'I am slaving'...
Slavery is listening to Frank lead the Amidah. Every second, you are subjugated to pain... Slavery is having to purchase eggs for seven dollars a dozen. Slavery is listening to you talk about how Snow White is the reason you keep the Mitzvah of not driving on Shabbis... Learn Torah.
Leaving Egypt is not the same as Ukraine…
 
Why do all guest speakers never get to the point… You have to hear something about a cartoon and then you’re happy... The last time I head them talk Torah...
 
(13:21) They were 'comforted' by a pillar of fire at night and a pillar of cloud during the day.
You're comforted by cartoons. If you would've had Saturday morning cartoons in the desert...
Comforted means they were shown the way. When you know the way you are not worried. When the Baal Tefillah has no idea how to lead Davening, you are worried. I will be comforted when people in this shul learn how to be Daven and be Jews... I don't think half of the membership can find the shul... Then why do they never show up???
This is why everybody needs therapy and a speech about Snow White. Everybody is lost. Probably can't even figure out how to sing 'Jerusalem of Gold'... There is more to the song than the chorus...

Did the Jews leave with eggs? They left with some wealth of the Egyptians. Must've been eggs... We are going to skip the Tu BShvat Seder this year. Frank has caused enough pain. With Frank, the price of eggs, Jews being chased by Egyptians, Ukraine and Snow White... Truly, you can learn everything from Cinderella and how her shoe fits.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I had no idea there was more to 'Jerusalem of Gold' than the Hebrew lyrics 'Yerushalaim Shel Zahav.' It always gets me when these songs have verses too.

The rabbi got up and gave his full sermon after the guest speaker spoke. The rabbi couldn’t let the long and painful Davening go. He had to talk about it, as well as how much he can't stand learning Torah from Snow White.
The rabbi later went off on the harmony. He was not happy with how off-tune the shul is again.
 
The guest speaker spoke about Snow White. He might have brought the Parsha into it somewhere. I am not sure. I think he brought the Parsha as proof to Snow White.
Listening to these young guest speakers, I realize that my Torah education is lacking cartoons. It's my lack of knowledge of animation that has held me back in seminary.
 
The congregants have a way of now giving credence to stuff by comparing it to Egypt. Two years ago they were comparing stuff to the Holocaust. Like, 'It's not fair that the prices on milk went up. It's like the Holocaust.' I have no idea what happened. I think that it's what COVID and the politicians did to people. Studies will come out that it made people crazy. Since the Ukraine war thing happened, now they compare that to our history. 'It's like slavery.' One person said, 'The price of the eggs is way to high. It's like Egypt.' Soon they'll be saying that bread is now expensive like Snow White.
 
Eggs are now very expensive. We've started a charity fund to help people purchase eggs.
I can't figure out why they're so expensive. I am guessing the chickens in Topeka got lazy.

They talked about Egypt at the Tu BShvat Seder. I guess you can compare everything to Egypt. Even so, it would have made more sense if we didn't have the kids singing the Mah Nishtana. I think the people running the Seder thought it was Pesach.

Now we only have two people who can lead services and one doesn’t show up
We have lost members because they can't stand hearing themselves pray. We are thinking of bringing a choir to sing Motown just so the members don’t have to hear themselves. It’s painful.

I think I'm skipping Kiddish next week. I can't listen to people comparing Snow White, dwarfs and Ukraine to Egypt again. The true lesson is to not watch Disney. An anti-Semite.
Do they have cheap eggs in Ukraine? That's something I want to know. I would like a sermon on that.

It's a  Mitzvah to permanently place a Mezuzah. As it says (Devarim 6:9, 11:20), ‘And you shall write on the doorposts of the house.’
This Mitzvah caused much anger amongst the parents pf the Jewish people. Their kids learn this Mitzvah at school, and they come home and destroy the house. They hear to write on the doorposts and they can't wait to get home.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents reprimanding their children, 'You’re killing the door. What are you doing?!... Go to your room and don't write on it.' To which the educated child responds, 'The Torah says…' And then the kid is taken out of Jewish day school and sent to public school. It happens time and time again.

At first they thought their kids were using erasable whiteboard markers. Who would command anybody to ruin a beautiful doorway?! When they found out the kids  were using Sharpies, all Gehenim broke loose. Parents were outraged. 'How can H' give such a commandment?! It's enough that we measure the kid's height on the doorpost once a year.' It turns out that measuring a child's height is not a Mitzvah in the Torah. Even so, many doors have marked growth of children.
Once a child reaches Mezuzah height, tradition is to stop marking the doorpost.

This misunderstanding of the Mitzvah by elementary school kids and art teachers is why the Mezuzah box was created. A box to hold the words of the Torah that are permanently affixed to the door. This way the kids can do their art on that and don't kill the doorposts. So many ancient homes in the Ottoman Empire were destroyed by Jewish children and their graffiti.
To this day mothers have to yell at their kids, 'No. Don't write on the wall. Here. Decorate the box...' Sometimes they even give them a little slab of wood to draw on, so that the kids can be creative on a future Chanukiah. Since the Mezuzah fiascos of permanent poor outwork on lintels, we have developed many festival art opportunities for holidays. They create Sukkot decorations, Purim masks, Pesach Seder plates. Now kids force us to hang their artwork, as commanded by the Torah, destroying the Sukkah.
Next time, we will talk about how people have misunderstood the Mitzvah of Hiddur, beautifying the Sukkah with the artwork of third graders. We will also discuss ways in which to throw out the pathetic art the kids bring home from school.

Eating of the seven species of Israel has been a long tradition of Tu BShvat. But that changed around two thousand years ago, when the Jewish people forgot how to sing the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah.'

Diaspora Happened
Jews tried to figure out how to get the fruits of Israel, to connect to the Holy Land.
Then they were told, 'You can't eat the fruits of Israel outside of Israel. We have to make sure that the laws of Maser and Shmita, and Orlah (fruits from trees in their first three years) are followed.' And thus we have the first divestment campaign against Israel. And the BDS movement had begun. It was religious Jews keeping the laws of the land of Israel that started the BDS movement.

What's A Date
Dried fruits became popular. Refrigeration was impossible to come by in the 800s and dried fruit seemed to be the only way to keep your fruit from spoiling. On another note, there were no decent places to take your wife for a night out on the town.
Canned vegetables were out of stock in all the grocery stores, so dried dates became quite popular. They needed the dates to last, as they tasted disgusting and they were never finished. Many hosts laid out dates before their guests, but the guests would only take one, before realizing they don't like dates. And hence, dried dates became a big seller. And they had a great shelf life. To this day, you canfind dried dates in Israel from the early 800s, dried as they were then.

It happened in a grocery store named Plitzelas. It was a very popular store in 874, as it had two shelves full of food. A Frum Jew who was sinning, started eating dried fruit. He came and showed the dried fruit of Israel to everybody in Lvov. He was eating of the dried dates. Yet, there was no Pinchas to kill him. As he was sinning and being chastised, the truth came out. He was not eating dates. There was no pit. To quote Yievgenie, 'You fool. You would've chocked if that was a date. There are no pits. Let me show you how to eat a date.' And so, Yievgenie found a date and started to sin. And he was the first annoying person who felt the need to show somebody how to open a date the "right way."
As it turned out, the supposed sinner was eating apricots. Hence, he was not fulfilling the Mitzvah of eating of the seven fruits of Israel and blessing the fruits on Tu BShvat, and thus going to Gehenim (hell).

Dried dates became popular years later, once they added the walnuts inside. That was until Chaim found a way to pull out the walnuts. It was at that point that people started to just take and eat the walnuts.

Apricots Become Popular in Europe
Europeans are known for not knowing how to make decent food that is not meat.

In the late 1600s fruits of Israel were accepted in many communities of Europe. The Misnagdim said you can eat fruits of Israel outside of Israel as long as they're expensive.
Even so, many kept eating apricots. Shouts were heard in the streets during the month of Shvat, 'But apricots aren't from Israel.' To which Rabbi Pinchas Ben Mishehu said, 'But dried fruits are.' Rav Pinchas has no relation to Pinchas Ben Elazar, and thus didn't have to kill anybody to make his point (which would've been a Kidush H'- the community was very annoying).

Arguments continued for many years, as that was the tradition. One lay-leader said, as lay-leaders can be annoying, 'Tu BShvat is connected to the tradition of not eating new fruit from a tree that is less than three years old in Israel.' To which Rav Pinchas responded, 'Dried apricots don't grow on trees.'
But they do. And dried fruit trees were found. Old withered trees.
And the arguments continued, 'But apricots are not native to Israel. So Maser and Terumah and Orlah do not apply.' Yet, after much study and discourse it was concluded that apricots give you a stomach ache. And hence, they are like the dried fruit that grows on the trees of Israel. And thus like dried dates, which are native to Israel and grow from trees dried apricots are native to Israel, even though they are not from there. A Gezarah Shava of sorts.
They were Talmud scholars and were thus able to explain it. I cannot go into the full discourse now. I just know there was a lot of yelling and Rabba wasn't for using SO2.

The tradition of Tu BShvat now is to have a stomach ache. The holiday can also be celebrated with stomach cramps. Many Ashkenazim have the tradition to celebrate by drinking a gallon of milk. Though, dried apricots are a requirement. Dried apricots along with dried dates and milk is the best way to fulfill the Mitzvah of feeling nauseous.

There have been many arguments in communities around the world, but it all comes back to stomach aches. In Mesopotamia they noticed that eating raisins in bulk was killing their stomaches, and they thus agreed that grapes are one of the seven species of Israel. So, they eat raisins and apricots. To quote an excited Mesopotamian, 'Dried apricots also give me stomach aches. So it must be part of Tu BShvat tradition. They give me a stomach ache and diarrhea at the same time. When I eat them with raisins, my stomach never feels worse.'

Other Notes on the Holiday
Now, in Hebrew schools they teach the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah,' and the kids have no idea what it means. So, they eat Tapuchim, because they know how to say it in Hebrew.
Others contended that money doesn't grow on trees. The Jewish National Fund took a big loss for that. Now they have a hard time convincing kindergartners to give them money to plant trees in Israel.

Dried olives didn't make it to the Tu BShvat Seder tradition, as they settle the stomach. However all forms of nuts made it into the holiday lexicon, especially almonds, as they kill your stomach.

Yievgenie had no idea how to open figs. Marcus was the first to show people how to eat dried figs. As it turns out, dried figs are very similar to not dried figs. Not dried figs are just not as dry. You can eat them as well on Tu BShvat.

It is now tradition to also share annoying jokes about nuts and dates in pun form.