It started when the Jews left Mitzrayim. They were freed from Egypt and stuck in the desert, where they were trying to find Florida. It didn't happen. They ended up in Israel. Not all prayers are answered.
There are many stories of the splitting of the Atlantic Ocean, but they aren't true. H' did not split the Atlantic. Since the Atlantic didn’t split, the Jews did not make it to Florida.

It was at the time that Christopher Columbus came to America, the Jews of Spain were in hiding, trying to find a vacation spot. Columbus landed in the Bahamas. The Jew explorers with him said, "This is too hot. I'm Shvitzing." And they went back to Europe on the next ship to Spain, which took a couple years.

The 1920s and On - The Modern Discoveries
It started with The Mountains. Jews purchased places in The Mountains to get away from New York City. This was a great getaway around an hour and a half from the city. In the '50s the men would drive up to The Mountains, drop their wives off at a bungalow and enjoy their summers in Manhattan. It was hot in New York during the summers, but the men were able to put up with the heat. To quote Max, "As long as I don't have to put up with my wife."
Truth be told, it wasn't that hot. It was a degree or two hotter than The Mountains, but they had to tell their wives something to get them out of the city and away from Saks Fifth Avenue. It was much cheaper to buy a bungalow than a fur at Saks.
Then something called global warming started. Husbands started to realize it was too hot in New York. They started Shvitzing. They were going to work and Shvitzing. They didn't like the idea of work. That took them a while to figure out. So, they started spending more time in The Mountains with their families. And that's when the divorce rate went up.

They had these beautiful homes in New York without air-conditioning or heating, and then winter came. Why they had no heating, I don't know. I do know that a lot of the New Yorkers got so mad, they started banging their walls during the winter, which became a tradition. The cold shocked everybody. To quote Max, "It's cold here." 
The Jews migrated to their bungalows and realized they had no heat their either. And for some reason, it wasn't as hot as it was during the summer. To their chagrin, there was winter in The Mountains too.
What do they do! Conversations were had. One guy thought it made sense to stay in New York, where his job was. He was excommunicated. We don't speak of him anymore. The fool. 
The New Yorkers all started talking, and since then, all New Yorkers talk about is directions. The best way to get places. And they shared directions with each other, and they all went back to New York and there was traffic. The directions were excellent. But there were too many people going with the best route. It caused congestion. And that is how rush hour started.

There was this idea to go down south for heat. To quote Shloimi and Sarale, "We will not pay the gas and electric company those ridiculous prices." So, they bought a place down south to save on heating for the winter. Sarale was very happy to share that they save two hundred dollars on gas and electric that year.
Texas came up as an option. Arkansas came up. Tennessee was on the radar. Arizona was an idea. Even Georgia was suggested. And the New Yorkers all agreed, "That's for Goyim. Jews go to Florida." At that time there were no Jews in Florida. Nobody retired yet. People only started retiring in the 1980s. Before that, people dropped dead in cubicles.
Somehow, Florida was a divine calling. It is said that all Jews were present at Sinai. And it was at Sinai that Gd commanded the Jews to move to Florida. I heard that from my friend in Boca. He didn't want to make Aliyah.
Well. The Jews were cold, and they decided that Florida is the place for them. So they started settling Florida.

And the Jews of New York had homes in The Mountains for when it was warm, and in Florida when it was cold, and they didn't show up to work. Their bosses in New York fired them, and that is how antisemitism started. To quote Max, who didn't show to work for the months of October to April, because he felt a draft, "My boss is an anti-Semite."
And now, everybody takes the best route in Florida. And the I-95 is congested with traffic. And now, when somebody has the choice to move to Israel, they move to Florida. And now there are shuls all over Florida, known as Chabad.

You've learned the history of the Jews leaving Egypt, divorce, rush hour, New Yorkers conversing in the only topic of best routes, antisemitism, and how the I-95 became the one road with traffic jams for six hours.

Lessons of What Followed
A group of Jews, known as Retirees started settling Florida. The locals started calling them occupiers.
Little is known of this sect of Judaism, known as Retirees. However, they seem to sound like New Yorkers and they like silk shirts with flowers. Many of them went to Crown Heights Yeshiva and Stern College. They are loved by a group called grandchildren, when they pay for their trips to Florida, known as the winter pilgrimage.
Many connect this Retiree people with the Sadducees.

Jews moved to Florida, following the sect of the Retirees, started taking up sports like golf and tennis. They were getting beat all the time. Then they invited more of their Jewish friends to move down to Florida, and they became better athletes, based on sheer competition. And this is why we have Jews walking around with pale legs, in shorts. And these Jews are all Shvitzing.

Last time we learned the history of how alcohol got introduced to Davening itself. But how did it become an exclusive club that was open to everybody.
 
Drinking Out of Shul
How it became a club. This took many years. Some years went by and beer became quite popular.
At first it was a small group leaving services. It was two guys who had a hangover from Friday night Kiddish, and couldn't wait. They would head out of shul and take a swig.
The idea caught on and people went in small groups to leave services, pulling out their flasks, engraved "this is for the holiness of Shabbis," and drinking under a Tallis. This is how whiskey became acceptable for Kiddish. Then the Jews of Russia said, "What about vodka?" In consideration of Jews of different cultures, the rabbis accepted vodka for Kiddish. And then Jews moved to Mexico and tequila was allowed. Then Jews moved to America and the rabbi said, "Coke tastes good. It doesn't have alcohol, but it tastes good. If you have to, why not. Mix it with some Jack Daniels."

Leaving Shul Turns Into a Club
Back to the flask brothers, as they were known. Their parents were Mr. and Mrs. Flask. They thought to form a club, but nobody wanted to share single malt whiskey. It was expensive. One guy brought up Johnnie Walker Red Label and some people started to share. And the group got larger.
Fishel was the one who came up with the idea of a club, but that got a lot of kickback. Clubs in those days focused on sharing and giving to the needy, and there was only so much Johnnie Walker.
There was the freemasonry. But they were into charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, where the routes of the Kiddish Club are found, was greater than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish was about the soul. It was helping people connect to Gd by getting out of shul. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish had a greater calling than charity. Pre-Kiddish Kiddish, as it was known, needed people to pay for the alcohol. Philanthropic schnapps.
They called it a club and said, "All who want to drink, may they come and drink, and bring a bottle of schnapps." And some Jews got it mixed up with Pesach and thought they had to go, as it was a religious obligation. Some showed up forty minutes late, worried a Haggadah was involved in the club. And schnapps started pouring in.
It was amazing to see how much charity people were willing to give when it got them out of shul.

Why After Torah Reading
Jews were leaving shul for Kiddish Club at different times. Some were leaving right after the Brachas. They would show to shul, say the ten blessings and get a drink. Others would head out when the rabbi did too long of an Amidah (silent prayer).
It was in the 1970s, some of the members of the Kiddish Club were at a football game. Before the game, they saw people outside of their cars drinking. They asked what they were doing. The Buffalo Bills fans said they were "pregaming." In order to see OJ Simpson run, you wanted to be buzzed. Some called it tailgating, but that told the Bills fans, "We can drink alcohol, but we can't use our cars on Shabbat."
So, they decided this should happen before Musaf. Thus, the Kiddish club's main ritual is to pregame Musaf. To come into the added Shabbat prayer a bit tipsy. They would show up to shul for Shvi'i, the last Aliyah, and the leave for the Haftorah around three minutes later, for the Kiddish Club, and drink schnapps, including whiskey, bourbon, scotch, vodka, tequila, and gin. Gin also somehow represents a Jewish community somewhere. And then, they would make their way back into shul, ready to talk to Gd and pray.
It was one of these guys that decided to throw up an eight-year-old to lead the end of services. In the drunken state it looked funny to see a little tiny Chazin. Now it's a tradition. And the whole shul loves seeing these little guys performing Anim Zemirot and Adon Olam.

Adding Onto Davening
It got out of hand. Rabbis hated theses Kiddish Club people. They saw these rowdy crowds of drunk men and came up with the idea of an usher to sit at the door, also known as a bouncer. Years later shuls hired security guards and even started locking the doors, to keep put terrorists and members of the Kiddish Club.
Noticing these Kiddish Club philanthropists of alcohol leaving the shul for so long, the rabbis started coming up with creative ways of getting back at them. One rabbi added another forty minutes to Davening. All in their Shema. And this was adopted by rabbis all over America, in order to keep their congregants in shul longer, with drunk people. To add on another half hour, the rabbi came up with this idea of a sermon.
Now Shabbat morning Davening takes three and a half hours. And every member of the shul, not just the people of the Kiddish Club, need a drink when it's over.

Where Is the Kiddish Club Now
The heroes of the Kiddish Club are now drinking somewhere.
In shul, everybody at the Kiddish Club talks about the rabbi. They drink, talk about the rabbi and come into shul buzzed. And they sing their hooligan chants along with the Chazin during Musaf. Also known as Kedusha.

Effects of the Kiddish Club on Society
To this day we are grateful to the pioneers that started the Kiddish Club. They never gave up. These heroes that started the Kiddish Club were judged for leaving services. But they stuck to their scruples and stayed away from the Haftorah. And this is why the Kiddish Club lasts and tipsy people are in shul.
And we have the Chazin to thank. Without the Chazin, people would’ve never wanted to leave shul.
Thanks to the Kiddish Club and the mark it's left, Tishes have also become popular. Where people drink to become closer to Gd and get away from their wives.

One innovative rabbi in The Five Towns (a place made for only Jews- nonJews live in places like Lawrence, Cedarhurst, and Woodmere) said, "Let's make the Minyin a Kiddish Club." And nobody showed for Kiddish Club.
 
Next time we will discuss the involvement of people known as “mothers” who have been trying to ruin something good, such as the Kiddish Club, with statements such as “we don’t think it’s good for our children to be around drunk people.” But that fringe group known as mothers has been silenced in recent years, in favor of other very loud groups known as guys who want to drink.

The Kiddish Club is where people leave Davening in the middle of shul and go for a drink. The Kiddish Club was not started in Biblical times. Though many consider it Halacha to get out of shul for the Haftorah and not come back, leaving shul to get tipsy is not Jewish law.

When the Jews left Egypt they had an I Am Thirsty Club. However, once they made it to Israel and found the Jordan River, Jews found ways of quenching their thirst. Nonetheless, when the concept of having to sit with your family for a whole Friday night meal was presented as an important way to celebrate Shabbat, the rabbis instituted Kiddish at the meal. And they said Kiddish has to be made on wine. This helped keep Shalom Bayit, peace in the house, helping dads somehow find the annoyance of their children amusing.
Then came Shabbat day, and the rabbis said, "These dads need a drink now too. Kiddish has to be made at the Shabbat meal during the day as well. And when you have another meal in another place, make another Kiddish." Some religious Jews were making up to fifteen Kiddishes, finding new spots to eat. Park benches all over Eastern Europe were full of empty bottle of Manischewitz. Some made it a tradition to visit multiple friends on Shabbat, just to make more Kiddishes. People became friends with random neighbors when they ran out of wine. 
The going to people's homes for Kiddish became a quite popular tradition in the 1300s when people realized that they didn't have to pay for Kiddishes at people's homes. This lead to another tradition, known as Sukkah hopping and not buying your own food for the Sukkot holiday.
Shul boards were trying to figure out how they could help their communities. In the year 424CE, it was unanimously decided that a Kiddish must be provided after services. And the Jews of the exile started showing up to shul at the end of Musaf.

Leaving Services for a Drink
The concept of leaving services for alcohol began in the 1800s. Before that, they had a Shliach Tzibur, a messenger of the congregation, leading the Davening. Once we started calling the person leading the services a Chazan, people felt the need to drink alcohol.
It took the rabbis years to get people to show up on time for Minyin, even though there was no Kiddish till the end of services. Finally, people started showing up on time. It was the lack of cable TV in the homes. It happened in around the year 1306CE, give or take. People would show up and push through the prayers till Davening ended, when all would fold their Tallises in joy and run to Kiddish.
For years, people tried pushing through two and a half hours of Davening on a Saturday morning with this new person leading services that they were calling the Chazan. They could never figure out how to do it. Though they were constantly angry at what they called "The Chazin" or "This Guy Who Makes Me Angry with Song."
To quote Moishie, the first member of the Kiddish Club (which was at that time known as "Moishie going out for a drink"), "I need a drink." His rabbi argued with him that it wasn't a Halacha. But then Moishie said, "Did you hear the Chazin?!" And his rabbi left the shul and had a drink with him, and declared, this should be Jewish law.

A Tradition Begins
So, they started having drinks in the middle of Davening. Middle of Torah reading a guy named Menachem Shloimy stood up and said "LChaim" and passed around drinks during Shlishi. He would walk around the shul with shot glasses and whiskey, and say "LChaim" in the middle of Torah reading. He was corrected when the Gabai told him, "The proper response to a Bracha is 'Amen.'" To which Menachem Shloimy said the Bracha on wine. To which the rest of the congregants, said "LChaim."
A Halacha class was given by the rabbi and they learned that you first say "Amen" to the blessing. Then after you drink, you say "LChaim," to dedicate your drunken state to Chaim. He was a guy in Menachem Shloimy's shul that everybody liked. And to this day, people dedicate their drinking to him.

Moving the Drinking Out of Shul
Some people didn't care for the idea of drinking in shul, in the middle of prayers. In the early 1800s, these people were known as losers. The losers, also known as people who love Gd and believe in sanctification of prayer, proclaimed that drinking should be done after shul. There were others who argued drinking in shul was wrong as the Chazan interrupted their enjoyment of the alcohol. They proposed to leave shul, and they were loved.
Upon hearing this idea of not drinking in shul, it was the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi who said, "Kiddish. We drink during Kiddish." To which Pinchas said, "But Kiddish is after Davening."
After much discussion it was decided by the Gaon Reb Yankel Simchi, "We shall have Kiddish before Kiddish." Pinchas The Loser asked, "What does that consist of?" To which Reb Yankel said, "Drinking." And he was the most loved rabbi in all of Lithuania.
Thus came about the creation of schnapps.

Mahmoud Abbas was educated at the University of Damascus. Studied law where he learned the legal right to create history.
Fatah has spent time under Abbas ensuring that they have a history, and I support that. It's not an easy task, and Abbas has taken it on. Much respect.
Abbas has taught that Big Ben was stolen from Palestine. A well-known fact, the clock was placed at Westminster Palace in 1858, after being stolen from Hebron in 1922. He has also empowered his people with knowledge of the Israeli aggressors, who use sharks to attack Gaza. The violent aggressors who trained wild pigs to destroy their fields in the settlements, Israelis also train rats to only bite Arabs. Which, if I may say is the greatest act of modern-day warfare.

I am here to help with more "Palestinian History" and propaganda about the "Israeli Aggressors."
The PLO has done a brilliant job of creating a history that did not exist. Let's help with more history for the Palestinians and their heritage of discovering the Western World.

More Palestinian History You Didn't Know
The Statue of Liberty was made by Palestinians in the year 1304 CE. They delivered it to Jaffa. Then the Americans stole it.

The Arabs built up Tel Aviv from nothing. Then Israelis stole the hotels. The huge breakfast served at Israeli hotels is Arab heritage, known as the Adhan.
It turns out that Israelis stole Mezuzahs from the Muezzin. Mezuzahs are a small Muezzin.

In 1492 Saleem sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. His ships. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, were built in Gaza. And they traveled from the Mediterranean Sea. They first discovered Cyprus. And then America. Not many people know that Cyprus was first discovered in 1492.

The Palestinian people colonized many countries. A history they are very proud of.
The first colonizers of South Africa were Palestinians. Very light-skinned Palestinians.

Waterloo. That was them. Arafat led the charge.

Astrodome. Their idea. They built it.

Byzantine Empire was the Palestinian people's. Byzantine is ancient Greek for Palestinian.

Arafat received the Torah at Mount Sinai, and then took it to Lebanon when the Hashemite Kingdom rejected it. Another piece of Palestinian history we are very proud of.

Queen Esther was a Palestinian girl named Fahid. Her uncle, Mordechai, was really Mamoosh. The Jews stole that story from Mahmoud Abbas. He can prove that.

I left out much of the Palestinian historical facts, such as their building of the Great Wall of China. Which was first known as the Great Wall of Gaza. Which the Chinese stole, brick by brick, in the year 9,427 BCE, around 67.995 million years after the Palestinians first claimed autonomy to their homeland in Uzbekistan, which is modern day Israel.

Palestinian Facts of Israeli Aggressors
The Palestinians are the strongest nation, since the dawn of time. As early as sixty-eight million years ago, when Farid rode a stegosaurus rex to the Temple in Jericho on a motorcycle, Palestinians were already conquering the world. Yet. They have to deal with the Israeli aggressors. Too much aggression.
To note. Palestinians created choppers and that was stolen too. By Israelis.

Israelis have trained chickens to give salmonella poisoning to the people of Ramallah only.

The Jews use the Purim packages, known as Mishloach Manot, to transport thimble sized alcohol that can blow up Arabs. But they give it to Jews, and it doesn’t blow up. Go figure how the Israeli aggressors work.

Israelis birthed around 175k kids in 2024, so they will have more soldiers to fight in the war. The first word of an Israeli child is "I am a colonizer." And then the babies train pacifiers to pass on poison to Arab babies. The poison pacifiers make sure to only sell themselves to Arab Muslim kids.
Shark Tank is a ploy to overtake Palestinian Villages the settlements, known by the colonizers as the West Bank. Jordan is run by Jews.

Palestine was an autonomous state with its own people. Sixty-eight million years of autonomy till the Jews claimed falafel and shwarma as theirs.

The Israelis are not the Israelis. I believe Abbas did say this.
The real Israelis are the people living in Manila. Very bothersome, as the people living in the Philippines are truly the aggressors here. And that is Palestinian history and how they dealt with the Israeli aggressors.
I hope this all makes sense.

Last fact of Israeli aggressors: Jews implanted explosives in pagers to blow up members of Hezbollah. Now it all makes sense. Abbas' is definitely right about the sharks.

Conclusion
To learn more about Palestinian history, I would suggest purchasing a book. I saw a history book selling on Amazon. It was empty. Pages were blank, expressing the rich and honest history of the Palestinian people and their ancestors.

How did they do it? How did the Conversos fool the Spaniards?
Conversos are also called Crypto-Jews, but I wouldn’t suggest investing in them. Crypto means hidden or "a friend told me I could make a lot of money if I listen to him." We will not use Marranos, as that is now offensive, as is anytime I call somebody by something I used to know them. Phil is offended when I call him Phil. I used to call him Phil, now that offends him. So, I call him Crypto-Mark. To answer your question, the Spanish people were not very smart, so hiding their Judaism wasn’t very hard. Here is how they fooled them. Here is what they told the Inquisitors.

Mezuzahs
It just got stuck there on the doorpost. It's a windchime that got stuck.
How they got all over the house, is an excellent question. We built one room at a time, so each room you see was at one point the room leading out of the house. A lot of windchimes.
The new windchimes from Bernaldo's Home and Repair?! Well. The house developed goiters. Some came out in interesting shapes, so we carved a Magen David into them. Jewish stars just look nice. We like the pattern.

Tefillin
Messed up belts. The buckles got too big. Turned into huge boxes. I thought one would look cool on the head. Right?! I know it looks kind of cool. Style-arte if you will. It's a fashion thing I'm trying.

Yarmulke
No. It's not a Kippah. It's a hat without a visor. Sometimes, you don't need that stuff popping out around the head, keeping out the sun. You just need the top. My family balds real fast. It stops the sunburn up there.
And how do you know what a Kippah is?! (that will stop the Inquisitors from asking more questions)

Shofar
This is part of the horns section. We thought a trumpet, then we said we like this sound. Can only do this note, but that's the note we want.
We like these three specific sounds with it. The one blast. The three short blasts. The seven quick blasts. That's the kind of music we like. 
Yeah. We were playing it for a day or two in Septembe. Then we get board of it.

Chanukiah
It's not a Menorah. It's a lamp. A candelabra with eight stems, and then one in the middle. The middle one is a little higher for decoratory purposes.
Check out the oil we use. Yeah. We like to keep around eight days' worth. 

Jewish Art
It's just the look. It's the look we like. It's that ancient Temple look with people in sackcloth. Love the dichotomy.
No. That's Arabic letters written on top of the ark.

Tzedakah
We like putting our charity in a tiny box, with a slit. We make sure to never give more than a nickel at a time. It's our family tradition to be cheap. 
It's a piggy bank. Yeah. That's what it is. A piggy bank. A charity pig. We save money for others. 

Torah Scroll
No. That's just more enjoyable. Ever try reading off a scroll? It makes you feel like royalty.
A scroll with Arabic that was dedicated by the Schwartz family. Yeah. That's why the cloth covers it. They dedicated it to our house in honor of their grandparents.
Why are we yelling at the guy reading it?! We're all his teachers. One student and a lot of teachers teaching this guy how to read Arabic off a scroll correctly. More teachers is more affective.
​
They were so good at fooling Inquisitors that many decedents of Crypto-Jews don't even know they have Jewish ancestry. They have a nice book with five books in it that Papa used to like to read every Saturday morning. Then they have that family tradition of having a huge last supper every year, with big crackers and four cups of wine. A family tradition to get the little ones drunk and asking questions about the famous family saltwater recipe. Then they have the fancy food cubbies for three flat round tortillas that their grandparents liked to use around springtime. 
And that is how Bitcoin started.

Last week we discussed from Moshe to Rambam. We discussed the fights between men and women. Over that time, Rabbi Akiva went away for twenty years to learn Torah, to only come back home and hear his wife. At which point he went away for another twenty years to learn. He heard that nag and ran. Didn't even say 'Hi.'
Since then, over the past thousand years, Halacha has developed with rabbis who have acronyms.
The first rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ran, Rosh, Tur. Nothing is more important than an acronym. Preferably it should start with an 'r.' Rabbeinu Yonah was an anomaly. How he made it without an acronym is studied by historians to this day. Yet, his first name 'Rabbeinu' begins with an 'r.' Most historians have not noted that.

These first rabbis with acronyms were known as commentators. That lasted for a few hundred years till people got sick of the commenting. A lot of commenting. You would be at a Shabbat dinner, they would bring out the Kugel, and a rabbi would say, 'I like that Kugel.' Another rabbi would say, 'It's dry.' Another rabbi would say, 'Why the noodles?' Then they would go into a whole discussion about what Kugel means. That lasted for years, until somebody said, 'Lokshen.' And the argument was over. No more commenting on Kugel, until people started throwing in garlic.

Then Rabbi Yosef Cairo, came along at around the year 1500 CE, and said, 'I will bring all the arguments together, like the Tur did, and come up with a final conclusion.' He came up with the final conclusion in the Shulchan Aruch, saying, 'I will stop all the arguments,' and people argued about that. They had acronyms too. The Taz was a cool rabbi, as he had the coolest acronym. The Rama, a contemporary of Rabbi Cairo and a bit younger, argued on behalf of Ashkenazi Jews. But Rabbi Cairo lived in Tzfat and had a cooler headdress, so they liked him more.
Trying to reconcile the arguments is the foundation of modern-day Halacha. And reconciliation leads to a lot of fights.

So, Ashkenazim started arguing with Ashkenazim.
Chasidim and Misnagdim started fighting. The fight started when one rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then another rabbi said, 'I am better than you.' Then a student said, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' And students went back and forth, saying, 'My rabbi is better than yours.' Some even said, 'My rebbe is better than yours.' That lasted almost as long as the fights with the wives. A good two hundred years of arguing and fighting. 
Then somebody noted, 'We're all Jewish. We've all let down our parents.' That's when Jews started singing and playing guitar. The Misnagdim noticed that Chasidim had some decent songs, so they called them Jewish again.
Arguments continued, but with less yelling. We had Chasidim and Misnagdim, and so came the Halacha known now as 'a rabbi will support you.' Which many people use to this day when making decisions as to whether or not they can eat Kitniot on Pesach (Kitniot are legumes- I hope that helps).
Now Chasidim argue with Chasidim and nobody trusts anybody else. Which is why we have what is known as Hashgacha (kosher supervision).

Another couple hundred or so years went by and rabbis started asking questions about this new thing called electricity. Being the traditional souls they were, they argued over electric current by candlelight. A lot of yelling took place with these arguments, due to somebody not filling up enough oil in the lamp.

One rabbi, known as the Chafetz Chayim, came along and talked a lot about not talking Lashon Hara about people. He killed every decent conversation. He was one of those 'let's not hate each other' rabbis, which killed his street cred at the time, so nobody called him rabbi. Just Chafetz Chayim.

Then came the worst thing known to Jewish leaders since exile, the crockpot. The anger was palpable. 'You're cooking on Shabbis.' 'But I'm not.' 'But you are.' 'What's considered cooking on Shabbis?' 'I don't know.' 'Then why are you yelling at me?' 'Because I'm religious.' 'Shabbis doesn't start for another half hour.'
Rabbi Shlomo Zalmen Auerbach ZT"L decided, 'We need a Sefer about Shabbis.' He called it Shmirat Shabbat KeHilchata.
Now people yell about people not following Shemirat Shabbat KeHilchata right.

Some rabbi at an NCSY youth convention decided to spread the idea that it's really important to not touch the opposite sex. This law, known as Shomer Negiah, kept the people single. Which led to Halachik discourse as to whether or not women need men.

More acronyms developed. Now, in order to be a rabbi you need the acronyms before your name. I'll put these in Hebrew. I figured that should be just as hard to understand as transliterated acronyms.
גאב"ד- גאון אב בית דין
ראב"ד- ראש אבות בית דין
אבדק"ק- אב בית דין דקהילה קדושה
אדמו"ר- אדונינו מורינו ורבינו
רשכבה"ג- רבן של כל בני הגולה
הרה"ד- הרב הגאון
כבו"ק- כבוד קדושת
הרה"ק- הרב הקדוש
הרה"צ- הרב הצדיק
הגה"צ- הגאון הצדיק
הרה"ח (הגה"צ)- הרב החסיד
And those are just a few of the acronyms that must come before a rabbi's name, if he's important. Sometimes, it takes twelve minutes to call up a rabbi in acronym form. If you have all of these before your name, you've made it, and you can now tell people they're wrong.
Sometimes the Israelis leave out the Kabook acronym, because people think they're going to bring out coated peanuts. Which makes them more excited than seeing the rabbi.
To be a greater rabbi, you need an acronym after your name too. Best known one is Shlita. שליט"א- שיחיה לאורך ימים טובים אמן. If your name is not followed by a Shlita, have you truly made it?
After the rabbi has gone to Olam Haba (the world to come), they must have a ZT"L. At least a ZT"L. This is if you want to decipher Halacha after you have passed away.
And now, we only listen to Halachik decisions of rabbis who've passed away with many acronyms.
Note: Please accept my apology for leaving out many acronyms. Since this article has been released, many Talmidim (students) have proven their rabbi greater with more acronyms that were not privy to us when putting out this article. 

If we learned anything, you don't listen to a rabbi who teaches you Halacha, if he has a name that people know him by other than rebbe and if he doesn't have acronyms.

Now, due to Halacha, Jewish men run out of their homes three times a day, to pray. And for Rosh Hashana, they've found a way to leave the country and go to Uman, just to get away from their wives. 'It's Halacha!'

Halacha, Jewish law, developed over many years of arguing.

It started when Moshe received the word of Torah from H'. Moshe passed down the word of Gd to his students, who argued. They passed it down to their students, who argued, who passed it down to their students who argued about what they argued. A lot of arguing for many years, until Jews got exiled.
Yehoshua may have argued with himself before passing it to the elders. I am not sure if Moshe commanded him to argue.

The exiled Jews stopped arguing. Maybe they didn't. They still argued, just that nobody was there to listen to their bickering. So, we don't know what they argued about it. Sources do teach that one argument had was where Rafi accused Baruch saying, 'It's because of you we ended up here.' To which Baruch wondered, 'How did we get here.'

Somehow, this arguing ended up in the Mishna. They took the arguments and jotted them down in notes, short-form. For some reason, nobody thought that shorthand might cause more arguments. So, all of the students started arguing over what the notes meant. Somehow, this ended up as the Gemara, where they argued over the arguments and gave each other advice on how to avoid having to deal with their wives.
Then rabbis argued about the Gemara. Which is why we have shuls.

Now the arguments with the wives started.
The rabbis did whatever they could to avoid talking to their wives. They went on long walks to bathhouses, they spent time with Lebanon cedars, and they even involved themselves in war with the Romans, just to get out of the house.
They spent most of their time complaining about having to deal with what they called 'the old lady.' They theorized about why the old twenty-year-old ladies wouldn't stop whining about socks left on the floor. After much discussion the rabbis decided women are ignorant.
The theory of wives being ignorant all started when one of Rabbi Akiva's students noticed that his wife used an elephant tusk to clean the laundry, instead of dandelions. Huge arguments took place. One wife got mad at her husband, she even called him 'Ben Zoma.' She said, 'You, Ben Zoma.' A point of contention which everybody discusses at Pesach, even to this day. Well, I believe it was Ben Zoma (not sure). Well, let's just say he and his wife had a spat about when to leave on Pesach vacation to the Beit HaMikdash (the Holy Temple). He thought the house should still be cleaned before heading to the Temple. Almost broke up the marriage.

For hundreds of years, much of the day was spent trying to figure out new ways to tell their wives they had to be separated. They focused on Nidas. If their wife was impure, they could get away from them. Words like 'Veset,' a red stain which would consider the wife impure for extra time, were discussed on the daily. Anything close to red, they found a way to call it a Veset. They had green Vesets. Purple Vesets. All red. Metallic grey? They found a way to call it a Veset. They found a colorblind rabbi to ensure they would have more time out of the house. More time to hang out with the guys.
One rabbi came in after witnessing his wife going crazy during what we call the Nida time of the month, to this day known as 'that time of the month.' He said, 'Thank Gd I am not a woman.' And the rabbis all concurred, 'That's in excellent Bracha.' 'We'll use that blessing.'

Somehow, the wives heard about this. One of the rabbis, known as the first whistleblower, told his wife that she's not allowed to learn Gemara and they can't talk too much, because she's ignorant. This rabbi was put in excommunication for his stupidity. Upon excommunication it was said, 'We told you it's forbidden to speak to women.'
Around a thousand years of arguments with women took place, due to this rabbi's stupidity. This is why we don't have much more Torah discussed, other than stories, known as Midrash, until the turn of the millennium at around 1,100 CE. At that point, the rabbis said that women are not stupid, it is just that they're closer to Gd. The women, being stupid, went for that. And now the rabbi could start getting back to arguing about Halacha.
It was at that moment that the law of ‘Peace in the House’ was developed, so that guys could run out of the house without a fight.

Then a lot of rabbis with acronyms came along. Rashi, Rambam, Ramban, Ritva, Rashba. Your acronym had to start with an 'r' for people to respect you.

We shall continue next week with modern Halachic development.

As we discussed in the Halachas of Tzitzit, an Onen is not required to practice the commandment. From the death of a close relative until the time they are buried, the pre-mourner (Onen) must focus on burying their loved one. Thus, the pre-mourner is not required in positive commandments. Due to the pleasure of not having to do Mitzvot, this has led to many people not being buried for a very long time. If people would just enjoy Tzitzit.
Let’s get into the history of Tzitzit and undershirt development and why people are all of the sudden enjoying wearing Tzitzit.

Wool to Cotton
The first Tzitzit were wool. Back in the Balkan Peninsula in the 12th century, it was much easier to grab a sheep and de-hair it than to plant cotton seed.
Wool Tzitzit first became popular in Czarist Russia, sparking the growth of the Chasidic movement. It helped those living without decent heating in the Kiev and Lvov regions. This is why Lvov has been part of every country in Europe over the years. Bad heating. Wool Tzitzit helped with warmth and allowed Jews to learn Torah during the day.
Yet, it was itchy, which the snobs of Western Europe did not like. To quote a great student of a teacher who was educated by a rav, who was educated by a great rabbi and student of a sage, 'The itch of the Tzitzit tassels on my leg is enough. I don't need to walk around scratching my torso as well.' 

The Joy of Cotton and Linen
It was the days before undershirts. Mind you. There were no undershirts, cotton was not readily available in the Pale, and there was a lot of discomfort. People were so mad, they even went out of their way to purchase Tallises to swing at others.
And forget the summers. The wool Tzitzit were so warm, people were sweating all the time. Showers were necessary daily, and drought was a natural result.
Thus came cotton Tzitzit. As Shlomo Yankel exclaimed, 'Now these breathe! It's hard to control on the skin, but it breathes.' 
And then linen came along, and life was beautiful. Due to Shatnez (the law of not mixing wool and linen), people didn't have to worry about having to wear wool Tzitzit outside of Czarist Russia ever again. Tyranny came to an end.
Nonetheless, there was still a bit of undergarment movement.

Polyester Tzitzit
Some fool decided to introduce polyester. Shlomo Yankel was in shock, and on behalf of the Jewish people he questioned, 'How does something so thin make me sweat more than wool?!'
Why people were creating new Tzitzit still was an anomaly. But we as Jews are innovative. Just look at the prepackaged Chanukah oil filled cups and Sukkot decorations with Santa Claus on them. Innovation never ceases with our people.

History Of Undershirts
Undershirts only developed in the early twentieth century. This explains why the Industrial Revolution truly took off in the 1900s. People needed more undershirts. The American forefathers were sick of having to put on a set of clothes under their clothes. The simple concept of short sleeve cotton against the body was revolutionary.
A second Revolutionary War almost took place when John Long suggested undershirts be made from wool. That was shot down. Literally shot down. And nobody heard from John Long again. Nonetheless, we are still stuck with his thermal underwear, also known as long johns. Greatly usable in the winter. The businessman he was, he did suggest we wear them during the summers as well.
It was at this moment, with the arrival of the undershirt, the modern Tzitzit became fully bearable. Though they were not required, even women insisted on wearing Tzitzit.
Rav Scheinberg was so comfortable, he decided to wear tens of Tzitzit at once.
The Tzitzit revolution was underway. We had cotton. We had comfort. We had normal undershirts. John Long was shot. Now what do we do? We make Tzitzit as small as possible.
Would Thomas Jefferson have worn Tzitzit if he had a decent undershirt? We will never know.

Mesh
The tiny mesh Tzitzit era of the late 1980s. It was a very uncomfortable decade. Some people even stopped wearing undershirts. Comfort was forgotten.
The rabbis got rid of the mesh Tzitzit quite quickly, as mesh is a little too provocative.
Some Tzitzit were a single tiny cloth. A string with tassels attached. What the '80s did to the soul of our nation is still something we as a nation are rebounding from. It all can be traced back to David Lee Roth.
The Mesh Tzitzit also moved as much as a Tallis.

Undershirts with Buttons
Years went by and the undershirt was remembered. Fruit of the Loom reminded us of comfort.     
Innovation never stops with our people, and the Hanes three pack price hike was too much for us to bear as a people. To quote, 'We need to make them into Tzitzit.' So, they created an undershirt Tzitzit that was with a button. Known as the buttoned undershirt fiasco of 1993, worst idea behind mesh, or the Neatzit Insurrection, this was the worst use of undershirts. Very loose, and a random metal button you had to snap on each side. Most mid-age Jewish men did not have the dexterity to look to the side and snap a button. And with the loose fit, our Jewish men put on an average of fifteen pounds when wearing Tzitzit.
When Jewish men were told they needed to start going to the gym to work on their agility for button snapping, they protested the undershirt button Tzitzit. The phase lasted three weeks, a mourning period. To this day you can find a pair of snappable undershirt Tzitzit in your dad's closet. In protest and due to the trauma suffered from Neatzit, Jewish men have not been to the gym since.
As a community, we went back to wool. Anything was better than a button. People found themselves sweating again. For some reason, the undershirt with a button was hated so much that our community reacted with hatred towards cotton.

Evolution of the New Undershirt Tzitzit Ends
Finally, some brilliant man in Israel in 2021 said, 'Why the button. Undershirts are comfortable.' A Tzadik. To quote Israel News Syndicates, 'Something good came out of corona.'
They took undershirts, cut the sides, got rid of the button, and everybody was comfortable. A thread count of a hundred forty. Fits nice and snug. It's a joy.
All the soldiers want Tzitzit now. The four cornered garment has taken off in the Israeli army. It's the stories of Jewish life saved. It's the story of the development of the modern-day undershirt Tzitzit and the comfort they offer. Either way, it's beautiful to see Jews practicing Mitzvot. And people are getting buried on time.
​We as Jews are forever indebted to Fruit of the Loom. No thank yous were ever sent.

Epilogue to Our History
To wear the undershirt Tzitzit, if you want to smell decent, you still need an undershirt. Otherwise, after two days of Tzitzit you smell disgusting. And to this day the Tassels running down the legs itch.
Will they invent a Tzitzit leg separator?

Any garment with four or more corners needs Tzitzit. That being said, we don’t walk around with a Tallis, a prayer shawl, anymore.
I thus present to you the history of Tzitzit. A history which I re-edited multiple times to make sure the second ‘t’ was present in all spellings of Tzizit.
Please note, we are not going to go into the history of the cloak Tzitzit. Us Jews consider Robin Hood a thief, and Friar Tuck was a bandit. And we thus do not identify with cloaks. We will leave it there.
Now let us focus on the beginning of the evolution to today’s undershirt Tzitzit.

Who Wears Four Cornered Garments
Back in ancient times, people loved four cornered garments. Under Roman rule everybody loved the four cornered look. It was the style. Egyptians were also big on the four-corner look. Known as the quadrigape, t was very hip in the years 1,400 to 3,485 from creation.

It Used to be a Tallis
The Tallis was very popular in the BCEs. It was the look. Everybody was wearing long Tallises, kind of like a poncho. After years of drought, many Jews felt the poncho wasn’t necessary. So, the wrap around Tallis as we know today became popular, as well as hitting people with tassels. Many people started showing to shul with their blankets. It was comfortable, easy, and with the quick bed to dress turnover people were showing up to shul on time. However, once the rabbis started making them put Tzitzit (the tassels) on the corners of the blankets, it became too much of a chore. Blankets were thus designated for sleep. And spouses started getting along again. To quote a couple overheard in therapy, 'Every night, right when I was falling asleep, I was getting smacked by tassels.'
At this time, the Tallis of today, the white 2,000 thread count sheet was introduced. People wore them over their clothes. Yet, with all the Roman tassel hatred, people were looking for something to wear under the shirt. They tried the Tallis. Yet, the Tallis under the shirt was not practical.

Adjusting the Tallis
Have you ever tried wearing a Tallis under your shirt? You can’t adjust it. The average Tallis wearer has to adjust his Tallis at least eighteen times during Shacharit. That’s where the meaning of Chai comes from. It’s the number of times your Tallis slips off your shoulders during morning prayers. The ancient Chai necklace used to be in the shape of a Tallis. I couldn’t find proof of this, so the source for future generations will have to be the Kibbitzer Magazine and myself, Rabbi David. Sometimes history is better given over in the form of conjecture.
People also end up hitting me with the tassels each time the re-fix their Tallis. For my safety and for the times I forget to bring eye protection to shul, the Tallis has not remained in regular daytime use. 
Not needing explanation, in the times of the Second Temple many fights broke out in the Shuk, due to Tallis adjustment. Due to baseless hatred caused by Jewish lack of Tallis control, we developed what is known as Tzitzit (not just tassels, but what we put the tassels on- to complicate things we use the same word for both). It was too late. Too many people had been injured by the membership at my shul, hatred was rampant. The Second Temple was going to be destroyed due to hatred amongst our people. It’s hard to make peace with somebody who swings a dangerous tassel at you on a daily basis.

Tzitzit Are First Developed
Tzitzit, The Tallit Katan, The small Tallis which adopted its name from the commandment to have Tzitzit (tassels), was developed. Less violence, less need for ophthalmologists, future generations could have peace, and no more garment slipping off the shoulders. Redemption was now a hope again.
Regular clothes were able to be worn. You put the Tzitzit under them, and you didn’t have to constantly take off your shirt in public, to adjust a Tallis. A horrendous sight. It was a practical move. A move that stopped much baseless hatred due to out of shape Jewish men adjusting their Tallis.
The constant need for Tallis adjustment is also why they stopped making Tallises out of silk in 2001. Why it took so long to figure out that silk Tallises were impossible?!

Epilogue to Our History
Now people only wear Tallises in shul. It helps keep warm when the Gabai insists on turning up the air-conditioning.
Fights still happen in shul, but they are blatant. If you get hit by Tzitzit tassels, somebody definitely doesn’t like you.

Will the Biblical cloak Tzitzit dress come back? We are not sure. History will tell. As long as undershirt Tzitzit are around and not too many Jews get hooked on Dungeons and Dragons, the cloak Tzitzit will remain obsolete.

I was asked this question: My child is asking for more money. We spent nine thousand dollars on camp and now they need more money. How did the Jewish summer camp canteens start? Is it Jewish tradition to take a lot of money from parents?
I will answer this by taking you on the journey of Jewish history and the development of the canteen. It is definitely Jewish tradition to put on weight. Is it tradition to spend nine thousand dollars on three weeks of camp? Let's delve into how it all began.

The First Canteens
Canteens started back in the seventh century. People used these bottles to hold water. They first tried using them for alcohol back in the 1300s, but they found that it was hard to sneak in full size canteens to bars. Thus, the introduction of flasks; also known as small canteens for people who don't have to go to work.

Canteens Are for Drinking
Circa 1982, Jews realized that nobody likes drinking water. Jews had not hiked for millennia, and this water was not quenching the necessary thirst of the suburban Jew. So, they started putting what they call bug juice into the canteens.
People loved the new juice, as did cicadas.

There Was an Issue
In 1983, for some reason, though they were drinking out of canteens, the Jewish campers were more sluggish and heavier. The question of 'why' came up, but they couldn't figure out the issue. The campers complained, 'I can't carry this thing. It's too much.'
They asked the camp rabbi and the rabbi said that it's hard work for children to carry canteens. To quote: 'Jewish children should not have to work so hard. And the bug juice should be cold. This stuff is room temperature. This is not right for our Jewish children. How can we expect our children to survive drinking lukewarm.' And they proposed the idea for camps to provide refrigerators. The ‘each child deserves a fridge’ campaign was too much, as they were too heavy to carry around on the hikes. How hikes made their way to Jewish summer camp is a very disturbing time in Jewish history, as is what is known as overnights. Two things that the Jewish community has fought against, along with anti-Semitism and thick crusted pizza.
The camp directors said, 'This is crazy. Why should kids have to carry around canteens?! We'll make a canteen that kids can walk into.' And thus, they made canteens where you could walk into the bug juice. 
Kids complained about the walking.

What Was in the Canteen
At first, the kids walked into the canteen and saw bug juice. They drank it. One child, I believe her name was Sarah Rivkah, yelled, 'This is not quenching my thirst.' So, they gave her a sour stick and her thirst was quenched.
Being that they could only find sour pops and Sunkist fruit gems, the kids were not happy. They were writing home, and their parents responded by sending them what is known as 'packages.' Packages are a box of stuff that campers get to remind them that they're not at camp. Packages were filled with Paskesz. Whatever Paskesz could make. And to this day, thirst is quenched with sour sticks and Jelly Bellys. Twizzlers also quenches the thirst of Jewish children at summer camp, as is seen by the letters of package request. Somehow Paskesz also makes Twizzlers. How Paskesz found a way to put their name on all candies in Seasons is another piece of Jewish history.
And that is how we have the modern-day canteen.

They Weren't Making Enough Money Off Parents
The cost for one month of camp was at fifty-five hundred dollars. The camp directors were at a crossroads. 'What do we do? We are only charging twelve thousand dollars for a summer. Required tips are only at three thousand dollars. Parents should be spending more!' First, it was decided that the canteen should work as Paskesz dispensary. That pulled in some money.
After years of discussion, one member of the camp directors' union went to a bar in shorts. He snuck in Paskesz sizzler sugar pebble paper (you can eat the candy and the paper- heavenly) and a banana sugar bottle (also used as a gateway candy). Thinking back to the tradition of why canteens were used for water in the first place, the head counselor suggested, 'Let's start tabs. It works in bars.'
All of the sudden kids were buying more Paskesz.

Tabs Got Bigger
Kids get a tab. In the beginning, there was an issue. Parents knew about the tabs. They put limits on the amount a child could spend in the canteen. That's not fun. Any Jewish day school child can tell you that. And limits for an eight-year-old is not as profitable way to make money off of elementary schoolers. The Jewish National Fund knows this.
So, the decision was made to give kids autonomy. Let them decide. And that is when the 'kids should decide for themselves' movement began in the year 2016, along with BDS.
They stopped asking parents if it was OK and started sending bills to the parents. Tabs were limitless, Paskesz was happy, children were happy, and fruit bottles filled with candy sugar in the form of cocaine was abundant. And parents had to get summer jobs.
To keep their children from child services, parents did not fight the idea of elementary school kids deciding how much candy they should have. And now parents get bills for eight thousand dollars of sour sticks and candy rings at the end of the summer. And the camps stopped giving ice cream for dessert. Those are sold at the canteen. You can put an ice cream sandwich on your tab.
And now the camp charges parents for full board, and sells your child hamburgers and pizza at the canteen.

CONCLUSION
And that is how kids put on weight while playing sports all day.
'How did my kid put on weight at a sports camp?' They were playing tennis, basketball, football, soccer, hockey. They ran track at camp. And they went to the canteen.
 
And that is how you went broke. And that is why parents only send their kids to summer camp for a month, which is three weeks now.

And to this day, Jewish summer camps are the only place where an eight-year-old has autonomy as to a candy tab. And the camp still serves meals before charging your kid for pizza, fries, onion rings and Paskesz.

And packages today consist of fans, air-conditioners and sofas, so that kids should not feel like they're in The Mountains for the summer.
And when parents visit on visiting day, they carry with them a flask.

It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv:

The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive.
The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain.
(Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy.
Let's see what else happened.

The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat.
I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller.

The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this.
I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes.

Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus.

Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times
The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us.
Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.'
It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!'
As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers.

Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim.
If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?!
At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea.
While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad.
There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. 
And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.
​
Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. 

As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened:

1) Moshe broke the Luchot.
He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 

2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons.
Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful.

3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy.
If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us.

4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 

5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple.
There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude.

There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart.
Truly. It's the Chutzpah.

More food was needed. After the three multiple course meals the community realized there was more room for eating. It was only 9pm, and nobody truly had to go to sleep. There was more time to eat. That's when they added the Oneg. Kiddish was added when they realized breakfast was missing.

Onegs
In 1989 the Friday night Oneg was created at a Shabbaton. A Shabbaton is a Shabbat retreat where you eat for twenty-five hours with other people.
Oneg, meaning delight, means you should eat more. After much study in the Beit Midrash, we learned that the eight course, fifteen dish main course, first of three meals on Shabbat, with soup nuts, doesn't bring enough delight to one, unless if there is a meal right after that meal and whipped cream. That extra meal is the Oneg. After you eat as much as you can, to bring more happiness, you eat more than that. For your soul.
At the Shabbaton, Benjamin said, 'I'm still hungry.' The rabbi said, 'That's forbidden.' And the Shabbat Oneg was created. Hence, it's a Mitzvah to eat again, right away. Right after Shabbat dinner and dessert, it's required to eat a pot of choolante. And then there are another two meals. And they added Kiddish. For Oneg.
The Gemara only spoke of three meals. But as we evolved as good Jews, our stomachs were able to handle more. So, we added the Oneg to focus on the foods put out by the local bakery and Osem, who makes nicely packaged cakes. If you're lucky, you'll show up to the Oneg and there'll be a Green's babka. 
Some people date the Oneg back to the rebbe's Tish. However, Tishes don't have the financial backing to portion out that much food.

Kiddish
There is also Shabbat morning. The rabbis of the Talmud said nothing about eating before you need to. Hence, nothing was said about Kiddish, other than a Bracha over wine at the meals. Kiddish, food on Shabbat morning, was added as the final requirement.
Kiddish is the other Oneg that's not called an Oneg. Added in 1991, it's the fifth Shabbat meal. Added two years after the Oneg. It took two years to realize that there was room for a second Kiddish, between finishing Musaf prayers at 11:45am and eating lunch at 12:30pm. For millennia, forty-five minutes was waisted every Shabbat when people could've been eating. The Mitzvahs we overlook.
Kiddish was moving well, and then somebody found out about yapchik in 2018. So, we had to add that to every Kiddish. Kiddish now had choolante, kichel, potato kugel, luchian kugel, Yerushalmi kugel, whatever other kugels people heard about, quiches which are kugels if you're Frum, schnapps, herring, kishka which could also be considered a kugel, Green's babka, other leftover Oneg pastry, yapchik- which is a kugel, and gefilte fish balls. Gefilte fish balls are manufactured solely for Kiddish. That's the full business of gefilte fish balls. Kiddish.

How Do You Eat at an Oneg and Kiddish
Good question. Double portions are paramount. You need to satisfy the extra Shabbat soul and the double portions of Manna. After the math, to follow the Torah correctly, you have to take fourths. No matter how much you eat, you should still be eating more.
There was the fruit salad scare of the late 20th century. Fruit salads became a thing in 1996, but that was nixed by the religious community. So we still have dessert. B"H.
At the Kiddish or oneg you should complain that there is not enough food. Even if there's a lot of food, complaining is important. It adds to the atmosphere. Any Kiddish you go to, you should be saying 'There's never enough to eat here.' The sponsors should know.
Rabbis have convened to discuss Kiddishes with little food (a busha, embarrassment to the Jewish people, in its own right) and it's been decided that if there's not enough for double portions for everybody, somebody does not know how to cook as a Jew and they're going to Gehenim. And they're required to purchase a Hadassah and Bais Yaakov cookbook.
Machmir people who care about Torah, ensure that all Kiddishes have enough for fourthsies. 

There is Room For More
We've come a long way since the early '90s. We now have five meals. Yet, no meals have been added since Kiddish and Oneg. And that makes me question if we're eating enough as modern day Jews. Are we developing?
People have started with an afternoon snack. The afternoon snack is going to make its way. It will start with Yom Tov, as on the holidays we don't have Seuda Shelishit (the original third Shabbat meal- now the fifth).
Since there is no Seuda Shelishit on the holidays, the afternoon snack will take on full meal status on Yom Tov first. And then it will make its way into Shabbat. The foods will be the same. There won't be tuna or egg salad, as those are rabbinic requirements to eat at Seuda Shelishit, correctly known as Shalishusidis (not sure what that means, but it's the correct way to say it). 
Hence, I propose we start the sixth Shabbat meal now. I propose we call it Nishnishit. An amalgamation of Seudah Shelishit, Kiddish and snack. I understand the brilliance. 
I'm sorry for foretelling in my historical work, however our people is going to fall in holiness if we don't add Nishnishit immediately.

Predating yapchik, in 2007 the Salatim course became a Biblical requirement as well. We will go more into depth into the Salatim course next time.

Jews were in the Midbar, the desert, complaining about food. So, Gd gave them Manna every day, and they still complained. On Friday, they had to take two of the Manna loaves, so they would have enough for Shabbat. They complained. And to this day, people complain about preparing for Shabbat. 
We also had to collect double portions when there was a holiday. So, now Jews prepare huge feasts every holiday. Four of them within a forty hour span. And three enormous feasts every Shabbat. And you have to eat them all. And if you don't eat them, you're not a good Jew.
Here is the extensive history:

How It Began
We were told to collect double portions. And you wonder why our ancestors were complaining all the time. Two Challahs?! That won't fill anybody up. Ever had one of those little rolls? Imagine getting stuck with a bulkie.
Worried we would get stuck with bulkie rolls, we started having huge meals. 

Meals Became Huger
In late 204 CE, to be exact, the rabbis tried to figure out what two loaves meant. That got translated as two four course meals every day of every holiday and three on Shabbat. Plus dessert.
In 1377 Shmuli asked, 'What about dessert?' And it became a requirement to add babka.

Exile Didn't Stop Us - It Only Added More Food
Wandering, Jews were worried how they will make these four course meal loaves. And they found a way to make huger meals, creating Hashgacha organizations for Kashrut. Allowing factories to cook for us, in vats that hold a hundred thousand gallons.
Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day holiday of exile, became a staple in the Jewish community. So, we had to eat more. If Gd would've had in mind Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, He would've made us take three loaves of Manna. So the people decided they needed to double the amount they ate at every meal; making for two eight course meals, every meal of the holidays. As Shabbat is even greater than the holidays, Shabbat had to have three eight course meals. They needed thirty Challahs for that. And soup.
In the early 1500s soup nuts became a rabbinical requirement. The rabbis were worried that there were not enough carbs. It took years, and the founding of modern day Israel, to finally bring the crunch to the soup that the rabbis announced was missing from Shabbat joy.

Recipes Add To Weight
In the 1600s, they figured out how to make Kugel, which is anything not dessert in baked form. Truly, a Kugel is anything served in a tin that is not chicken. And we started making bigger meals. You had to have double portions of Kugel. Otherwise, you offend the Ba'alat Bayit. ​It was then that they also learned how to make brisket as well. This all doubled the amount of each course, again, doubling the main course.  
The Kugel redefined Shabbat meals, and made us fatter as a people. We have to delight in Shabbat, and Kugels brought delight. Kugels, choolante, kishka, tzimis, fish, matzah balls, desserts, chicken, salatim. It all developed at around the same time.
It was then that two Challahs turned into fifteen dishes for the main course. And you couldn't have a main course without soup. You also needed fish, so that you could use the extra smaller plate. An aside: The smaller plate became a symbol of what the Jew will not eat. We use it for a beginner course, and then we remove it from the table to show that only sinners eat such small portions.
In the twentieth century Hadassah was created to ensure that all Jews know how to make large portions.

Different Traditions Of the Ages
The food became too much to bring to the table, so the French started what is known as the buffet. They are very weak and can't carry forty pound briskets to the table.
In other countries Jews were worried. The pale of settlement came and the Jews didn't know where their next meal was coming from. So it was a new command to eat as much as you can twice, at each meal, to fulfil Lechem Mishneh.
And then we saw that there was no Challah.

An Extra Shabbat Soul
And then the rabbis started pushing the teaching of a Nishama Yeteira, an extra Shabbat soul. So, at each meal, you had to eat two four course meals with extra Challahs, soup, kishka, Kugels and soup nuts, at every meal, and extra dessert. I don't know the full mathematics. All I know is that this is where they coined the phrase, 'I'm going for doubles.' 'Seconds' was already used in the year 1,043 BCE.
How we have two Challahs still on Saturday? I don't know. So we now collect thirty-two Challahs for Shabbis. And we eat more, as we're worried we didn't fulfill the two loaves.
And then they added whip cream to dessert. Otherwise, the extra soul is still hungry.

Being a Good Jew
Then the rabbis made a decree that you have to be heavy. Otherwise it's Maaras Ayin that you're not eating enough on the holidays (Chagim). Communities started excommunicating members who were under 200lbs. If you were over eighteen and under 200lbs, you were banned. 
In some communities it became tradition to start diets after every Chag. The head of the table would say, 'The diet starts after the Chag.' Those communities became known as modern orthodox.

Next time we will go through the history of the Oneg Shabbat and other modern-day additions to the Shabbat meal, such as Salatim, adding a double sixth course to every Shabbat and Yom Tov meal.

The first Aliyah, Jewish people moving to Israel, as a nation, was after forty years in the desert. It would've been sooner, if the people didn't listen to the spies. But Jews love not listening to their rabbis. They brought back huge grapes, and people were scared. Big fruit can be frightening. I too would've been worried about staining my shirt.
Until recently, American Jews have remained scared to move to Israel, due to the masses of fruit in the shuk.

Aliyah started building up in America when the parents began sending their kids to Israel to check out the land in the 1980s. They sent their kids to Jerusalem. The Yeshiva students went up in Jerusalem, and stayed there. A group of Yeshiva kids came back to America with a huge shawarma. One of the dads saw the size of the shawarma and said, 'We're moving to Israel.'

A few years later, in the 1990s, word started spreading around the New York area that the laffas (Eish Tanors) are huge. The Jewish people were inspired and they said, 'We will not let huge portions keep us out of the Holy Land.'
​They were clusters of shawarma. To see their Yeshiva kids, coming home after their year in Israel, carrying poles with clusters of shawarma was such a miracle. Kedem was discussing whether they should change their logo to a picture of men carrying a pole full of huge clusters of shawarma.
The conversation of mass Aliyah continued, until one prominent figure in Teaneck said, 'We must move to Israel. The land that God promised us, flowing with chumus and tachina... It's a land flowing with chumus and tachina, and shawarma.'

Many Yeshiva kids were stuck, as their parents purchased one way tickets, and the prices went up. So, parents had to wait till after Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, to receive the news, when the price of tickets went down. 
More Yeshiva kids came back to America and confirmed, 'We are huge in their eyes. They are much smaller than us. We are very heavy, and we eat too much.' Discussion grew, as many students spoke out, 'The people who live there eat salad.'

The anti-Aliyah movement said, 'There are Israelis there. They know how to bargain much better than us. And they eat salad.' Then the Jewish American said, 'They live in New York and Florida too. We can do it... I believe there are less Israelis in Israel.' And so they made Aliyah.

And then Nefesh BNefesh started, and people decided to make Aliyah, because they paid you to do it. There was much argument, for there was a chance to bargain. As the Oleh said in the meeting, 'And will I not spend another twenty thousand dollars in Israel. You should give it to me.'
Once word got out that you don't have to pay for your child's Jewish day school education, American Aliyah reached an all time high. 
Americans are now spending more money on shawarma than ever before. And they are the heaviest people in Israel.

And that is the history of the American Aliyah. I do not know why falafel didn't inspire the American Jews to move to Israel. It may be because it's too hit or miss.

How did staying up all night become a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day? That is a good question.

The first people who stayed up all night on Yom Yerushalayim were those devout students who came to learn Torah in Israel in 1967. They thought it was Shavuot. Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day of the holidays that Jews celebrate in the Diaspora, had them all discombobulated (a term used a lot in the 1960s). They heard there was a holiday at the end of the Omer, and they thought to celebrate Shavuot the right way, staying up all night and going to the Kotel.
The rabbis caught the devout pupils and let them know that Shavuot is a week away, and that they miscounted the Omer. One of the pupils responded, 'We lost count of the Omer weeks ago.' The other Talmid said, 'I stopped counting with a Bracha after the second day.' And the rabbis knew they had done a good job with these Talmidim.
When these trailblazers of the late ‘60s noticed all the religious Jerusalemite Jews driving, they understood that their rabbis were correct even though they speak English, and it wasn't a Torah holiday. First, they questioned if the Jews were in their cars to flee the war, but the Six Day War had ended. That was another argument. Some people thought it was a six-year war. The military insisted that it was called the Six Day War because they stopped fighting after six days. The political arguments and fighting in the Knesset lasted six years, causing for the confusion.

Dumbfounded Students
The students still didn't understand. The pupils asked what the day was, and the rabbis told them it was a day to celebrate the reunification of Jerusalem. The students didn’t understand, as Jerusalem was already unified. They argued that they could go anywhere in the city. The Yeshiva students were forced to learn about the military and what history is, and thus became heretics.
Discussions of how long two thousand years is took place. That got nowhere, as the Jewish people decided to agree to disagree.
The Talmidim were still trying to figure out why there was another Aliyah LaRegel, going up to Jerusalem for the holiday, if this wasn't a Regel. Yet, the rabbis said, ‘This is a holiday, and Jerusalem is part of the name. So, you go up to Jerusalem. Jerusalem. Jerusalem.’ The students didn’t know how to take this. To quote Menachem, 'Rabbi. There are so many holidays in the Torah. I've already lost my last three jobs due to holidays. I don't think I can take more days off for another holiday.' So, the rabbis all agreed that you can shower on Yom Yerushalayim. The rabbis also declared that you can work on this day, which is why nobody works on Yom Yerushalayim.

The Rabbis Insisted
The rabbis explained that it's because of this day that we can go up to Jerusalem for the holidays, so they insisted on the holiday. And the rabbis started to give speeches till late at night, at Merkaz HaRav, to continue to convince people that this is an important day. Thus, every year, we start Yom Yerushalayim by listening to speeches by rabbis at Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav; the people need to be re-convinced every year that Yom Yerushalayim is an important day.
The students were confused by having to listen to rabbis. To quote Menachem again, 'This feels like Shavuot.' So, they decided to be safe and to stay up all night, like on Shavuot, and go to the Kotel. They didn't learn. Though, it was still very meaningful as they stayed up all night.
The students still had questions. 'How is it a holiday if we can shower?' The rabbis had no answer. They just knew how bad the people smelled from walking to the Kotel, and they didn't want to have to deal with students coming up to ask questions, smelling real bad. The rabbis then reiterated the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of going to the Kotel, and 'you can't shower at the Kotel washing stations, as the basins are too small to bathe in.'

Arguments of Tradition Continue
It turned out that walking was big in the '90s and started to die out in the early 2000s, until 2018 when Jewish people thought that it would be a great tradition to walk to the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim, to show their love for Jerusalem and to get in steps.
Health is very important. To quote the mayor, 'Obesity is the new war of Jerusalem.' Everybody hates that mayor for being the cause of baked falafel balls. As they used to walk from Merkaz HaRav, larger groups started walking from the entrance of the city to the Kotel. And the tradition thus remains of walking to the Kotel on the night of Yom Yerushalayim, as the traffic is too bad to take a car.

Why Not Sleep?
Ever tried sleeping at the Kotel?! Staying up all night began once they realized how uncomfortable it is to sleep on Jerusalem Stone. 
I once heard of a man falling asleep on Jerusalem Stone, at which point they started the tradition of thousands of Zionistic Yeshiva kids dancing all night. They even started bringing bands. You can't sleep through that. They take out flags. Bands are playing. It's Gezel Sheyna (stealing sleep), and stealing sleep is forbidden. 

Why Not Go Home?
The dancing would go till 3am, at which point there’s no way for these kids to get home. Nobody thought that part out. Thus, you have the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of staying up all night at the Kotel and homeless shelters in Jerusalem.
There were heretics who claimed that staying at the Kotel all night was not important. Once the deniers of all night Kotel staying got the Kotel, they realized that they left their cars at the entrance of the city.  To quote Shmulik, who proclaimed that deniers should also keep the tradition, 'That's too far.'
When they noticed it was after midnight, and the streets were closed, due to people walking, they had no idea what to do. They couldn't catch a cab, so they decided to stay at the Kotel.

Kids Stay Out This Late
The kids who got caught in the flow of the dancing stayed out all night and realized their parents didn't care. Which is how underage drinking became a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim. It took the rabbis much convincing to get their pupils to not read the Megillah on Yom Yerushalayim.

Now there are thousands of Jews staying up all night at the Kotel on Erev Yom Yerhsalayim, and nobody showers.

Next year we will discuss the history of the Yom Yerushalayim Flag March and the flag shortage of 2013.

The Torah taught us (Shemot 13:8) 'And you shall tell your son on that day saying...' So, around 3,500 years ago, every Pesach, the parents started telling their children the story of the Jews leaving Egypt. A great movie was made, and they kept on telling their children the story. It got to a point where they even had Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston perform a song, just to get their kids to listen to the story, but they still had to tell the story every Pesach. The only issue is that the kids didn't understand any of it, because it was in Hebrew. Nonetheless, the parents still told the story.
For many years, they asked why it only said 'boys,' until a brilliant rabbi said 'boys means children.' And the feminist movement began with girls staying up for the Seder. That's a historical side note. We will speak about how many women were bothered by this act of feminism, as they wanted to head to sleep. To this day, many women are anti the feminist movement, due to the extra work they've caused.

Many parents started telling their kids about the story of the Exodus right after Purim, to get their kids to help them clean the house of leavened bread, Chametz. And the kids started asking, how cleaning windows had anything to do with Chametz. So, parents had to make up another story about how windows in Egypt where very clean, and how they also cut their grass and took out the garbage for their parents in Egypt.

The original Seders were about telling the children stuff, as that was the commandment. Very quickly, the parents realized that kids have questions, and that ruined the Seder. The only questions the adults had was, 'How many questions do kids ask?' They wanted to ask Moshe, but they were afraid he would hit another rock. (Which is how the theory of the Pesach Seder being a punishment to parents, who would've been bothering Moshe with annoying questions, came about. Now, at the Seder, the parents have to answer questions. Not many support this theory, but there is no doubt that most of the congregants in my shul would've bothered Moshe; Moshe would be stuck answering questions about rent going up, and that is not fair to Mosher.)
Then, this new idea of what they call 'education' started up in the year 1296 BCE. This was where parents decided that they should not have to teach their children. So, they gave over that job to other people, called teachers, that they can yell at and blame for their children being dumb.
This new way of teaching marked a paradigm shift in parenting. Within three months, all Jewish parents took to this new way of teaching their children. Parents were so happy to not have to see their kids in the house, they were even willing to spend thirty thousand dollars a year. In those days, it was 6,000 deben, or 8,000,000 shekels. The parents were fine with it, as long as their children were out of the house. And that's how private schools began.
They made the teachers answer the questions. Kids asked questions and then the teachers answered the questions. The new wave of teaching, through education, had the children testing the teacher. The parents were fine with it, as long as they could blame the teachers and scream at them. 

On the Seder night, the teachers had off. They called it vacation, even though they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to vacation. The teacher's salary was so low back then, that when all the other families were vacationing, the teachers had to stay at home to celebrate. Even so, the teachers had a respite from teaching. The parents had no idea what to do. The parents were still stuck telling the story of the Jews leaving Egypt, as the commandment was to tell it on that night.

For many years, they tried telling the story, but they kept on getting interrupted by their children. This whole idea of education started killing the evening of decent adult conversation about how to purchase slaves.
After many years of trying to silence the children, and trying to put them to sleep with songs like 'Avadim HaYinu' sung to a monotone, they realized there was no way out of it. The kids weren't going to bed, and they now had questions.
The parents couldn't control the questions. And the more the parents supported education, the more questions the kids had. The most asked question was, 'Why do I have to go to school?'
Even when the parents made the Seder more fun and friendly, the kids asked. That's how the tradition of kids asking came about. The rabbis realized they couldn't stop the kids, so they made it a tradition. The community said, 'Let the kids ask the questions.' At this point, many kids stopped asking questions. That lasted for a week, before they realized that this wasn't a reverse psychology ploy. Then, they started asking more questions.

When the Seder came, the questions didn't stop. The kids were happy to finally spend time with their parents, and the parents were mad. 'Why is there a Seder?' 'How many Jews were in Egypt?' 'Why are we going to Miami for Pesach and not Egypt?' Even questions about why there is a Seder were asked by the kids who were learning about existentialism. That was when philosophy was banned in Yeshivas and Jewish day schools.
Everything was a question. They saw ten plagues that made no sense. So, they asked, 'How are puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals plagues? They seem so fun.' And the kids killed a good time with their questions. 
Then masks came out and they thought the ten plagues were extra fun. So they started asking how Styrofoam balls can hurt anybody when they have a mask on.

So, the parents decided, along with the rabbis that they'll ask the questions for the kids. To quote Rav Mendel, 'That will shut them up.' So they came up with the Mah Nishtana. 
None of the kids cared about the salt water. They didn't even taste it, as they skipped the dunking in salt water. To quote my niece, 'The children made a decision to not eat anything that was not sweet.' So, the salt water dunking question made no sense to them. Now the kids ask questions on the questions.
Even worse, the kids now give Divrei Torah on the questions. They ask questions on the questions, and answer their questions with more questions. This tradition was developed in 1988, around the time that parents started asking themselves if sending their kids to Yeshiva was a good idea

The Mah Nishtana is a beautiful tradition to this day, and the kids have no idea what it means. The children get up there and sing the song. The parents see how poorly their kids read, and how they don't even know all four verses, and they scream at the teachers for not doing their job.
To punish the teachers  for not being around for Pesach, the schools have to now host a pre-Pesach Model Seder, where kids are discouraged from asking questions.
And now, every year, when it is time for the Seder, the parents relive the pain of Egypt.

In the times of Megilat Esther we were commanded to 'send food portions, man to his friend.' Known as Mishloach Manot, this is how we are commanded to celebrate Purim, along with gifts to the poor and more food for us. (Esther 9:22) 'Days of feasting and happiness, sending of portions to one another, and presents to the poor.' It all means food. As the rabbis realized very quickly, Jews can only be happy with food. The entertainment will be complained about, but the food will be complained about and enjoyed.
So the Jews decided to send food to one another in the form of wicker baskets. Wicker is very easy to clean if there is a spill. There were a lot of spills back then, as packaging wasn't good in the BCEs.
And then there was Easter. So, all Jews started buying whatever they could find on sale, to give to their friends. Walmart had a whole section of bunnies and chocolate, and that is how we see chocolate eggs in our Mishloach Manot, along with Kinder eggs. They then decided to also give the tiny bottles of alcohol they were able to steal from ELAL. And then Haddar started selling Hamentashen at Costco. Thus, the Hamentashen people get in their Mishlaoch Manot. Unmarked Hamentashen, made by Haddar, the new taste of kosher, hand pulled from the plastic package, in sandwich bags. Unpackaged, making crumbs in your Mishloach Manot, as in ancient times. And then people started receiving a lot of Mishloach Manot, and they tried to figure out how to save it for the following Halloween, or to hand it to a neighbor they didn't think about when making their own Mishloach Manot.. 

At first, Mishloach Manot were only sent to one person, to fulfil the commandment of 'portions.' That became very overwhelming for some families, who had just started cleaning out their fridge and preparing for Pesach. To quote Bernie: 'In the 1950s, we just found it easier to give our gift packages in bulk form... To tell the truth. We threw everything we could into that package. Anything we could get rid of. We had Pesach coming up, and getting the junk-food out of the house was paramount. Most of our sweets were Chametz. Anything leftover from last year, we sent it. Anything we found on sale, we sent it. We sent it all. Any candy we found, we threw it right into that bag. A lunch bag. It was clear that it was stuff we had to get out of the house. Leftovers? They were all in there. We even sent somebody a bit piece of chicken leg.'
Picking up on this, the world of wicker started making smaller Purim sized baskets. Hence, Mishloach Manot were something that were something you had to give to everybody in the community. Ending with the most important tradition of forgetting somebody, and offending them. I have witnessed new Purim enemies in my community every year. Tradition. 
And that is how we end up with small wicker and plastic packages, full of Easter eggs, a bunny, Hershey's Kisses in Christmas themed packaging, Hamentashen from Haddar that will last through next Purim, a thimble sized bottle of Johnny Walker, and plastic cling wrap, showing up at your door, from the Cohens, with a note written out to the Cohens, for the Cohens to have a Happy Purim. Not you.
The Cohens didn't need the Chametz either. And they didn't care enough about you, to write your name on it. Maybe they just wanted to gloat, that the Schwartzs thought about them and gave them stuff.

I don't know where the hundred gram chocolate bar tradition started. I wish I had a good answer as to the origins of that tradition. Bite size chocolate makes sense, as there are leftovers from Halloween, and thus, part of our tradition.
Maybe some wealthy Jews got involved and were giving the nonJewish kids full chocolate bars for Halloween. Be it what it is, I have never come across full size chocolate bars on sale. I've only found Halloween bite size on sale at The Christmas Tree Shop. For that matter, tradition of giving out small packages of Mike and Ikes in wicker has also found its way into many communities.
For that matter, bottles of Kedem grape juice in Mishloach Manot is also religiously questionable, as they are not tiny, and most of them are Kosher for Pesach; thus, there is no reason to get rid of them.
A large bottle of vodka may find its way into Mishloach Manot, when you have a friend who has too many kids. Even so, whiskey is better, as you may want to unload that for Pesach.

No tradition of fruit was ever part of Mishloach Manot, as that brings happiness to nobody. Dried fruit may be added, as sugar has been concentrated in those, and you have leftovers from Tu BShvat. That is how the dried fruit tradition started in the 1600s.

The Frum community decided to stick with wicker and plastic bowls. That is what you have today in the Frum community.
The less Frum communities have adapted the paper plate Hamentashen. Choosing origami over tradition. The good thing about the paper plate Hamentashen is that there's a limit to how much it holds. With the staples on the sides (staples is how Jews do origami- it holds together better that way), heightening it, there is a limit to how much overflow the plastic cling wrap can retain.
All communities now pick-up their Mishloach Manot accouterments at The Christmas Tree Shop. Another Jewish tradition began in the 1990s. 
Please note that you cannot make a decent Hamentash out of a plastic plate. They crack and it looks like the bakery messed up your pastry. Another note, while we are noting historical facts. Kinder eggs have been banned from Mishloach Manot, as the kids would rather eat the figurines than play with them.

No tradition of masks and groggers in your Mishloach Manot was ever developed. They are not edible and thus useless. What you see in the children Mishloach Manot bags are just for kids to enjoy the holiday and throw on the floor. If they had bite size masks, the tradition to add them to Mishloach Manot might have developed. 
Next time, we will delve into the traditions of the Purim kid bags that come in cone form. We will also research when cleaning began. We believe modern day cleaning up began with the first children leaving their wrappers on the floor in the year 118 CE.

Many have asked about the tradition of sending cake and pancake mixes. That is forbidden. It is not enjoyable to have to cook. The commandment is to be happy, and that happens with pre-made food. Though it's not tradition to send brisket, as it brings more Simcha (happiness) to eat it oneself, it may be done. If you are wealthy and have somebody else cooking for you, it's fine to send brisket, along with the full chocolate bars.

The card has always caused problems. The tradition of having somebody's name attached to the recipient part of the Mishloach Manot was put there to ensure that Jews didn't get along. The ancient tradition made sense, when they would literally send Mishloach Manot through messengers. However, they stopped the tradition of sending the Mishloach Manot, in the year 1643, once they realized that the messengers were eating the chocolate on the way.

I am happy to answer any of your questions about Jewish history.