It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done that can incriminate him in Israel.

Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
 
Eat Oily Food
The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics.

Use Animal Fat
​Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that.
 
Eat Oilier Latkes
Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious.
 
Give the Children Big Kippahs
Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want.
That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. 

Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke
​Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays.
 
Light up the Electric Candles
This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate.
Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur.
 
Say Xmas
The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit.
 
Purchase Gifts That Mean Something
If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift.

Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring
That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven.
 
Eat More
If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more.
Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. 
When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here.
 
Use Tinfoil
Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil.

Go to a Shul Chanukah Party
Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa.
 
Decorate
All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop.

Never Play Dreidel
Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive.

Sing Hebrew Songs
If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious.
Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht.

To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight.
I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. 

Thanksgiving has much Jewish tradition. There is a lot of food on the table, and that is Jewish to me. Yet, it can be more Jewish. I don't want to feel not connected to my people when celebrating this beautiful day. Let's focus on what we can do to make the holiday more Jewish.

Eat Your Turkey on Friday Night
Any meal you have on Friday night is a Shabbis meal. That's Jewish. Ever tried turkey necks in your choolante? That's a thank you to H' right there.

Eat More
Eat cold cuts. As my dad always taught me, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher, until they realized you can make pastrami out of it. 
Make a sponge pumpkin pie. I don't know how that is done, but make it and it's Jewish. Songecake is Jewish. If you can make a sponge pie, you're a Jewish revolutionary. A pumpkin babka can work too.

Eat A Turkey Shawarma
Mixing Israel into the American celebration allows all the anti-Jewish sceptics to say 'I told you so,' and that makes us feel good. This is the perfect time to lend to the conspiracy that Israel and the US are in cahoots. 
What are the US and Israel in collaboration about? Loving turkey. Both Israelis and Americans like to eat turkey.
The food allyship goes further. Israelis don't like cranberry sauce, but I have seen much cranberry crumble over in the Holy Land. It makes you question. If Israelis knew about pumpkin pie, they would eat it. The pumpkin pie conspiracy is there. Israelis just don't know about it yet.

Tell The Story of the Pilgrims
The pilgrims used wagons. So did every rebbe. You would know this if you ever heard a Chassidic story. Turn the Pilgrims into rebbe stories. Tell of how they did Kiruv on the Native people. Make it meaningful, with a sermon of the first Wampanoag Bar Mitzvah celebration. 
Better yet, tell the story of the Pilgrims fleeing Europe, running away from Christian persecution. Jews can connect with the Church trying to kill them. Persecution always brings us Simcha.

Thank H'
Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday, as we give thanks. Thanking Gd is a Jewish thing to do. Just don't do it at the table in English. Definitely not before the meal. Thanking Gd before the meal is not Jewish. And don't say 'Lord.' Jews pray to Gd. Christians pray to the Lord.
Bless Gd before the meal with a Bracha. Thank Gd after the meal with the Birkat Hamazon. That's not meant to be commentary. That's meant to make you a better Jew.
And do not hold hands when praying. This isn't the hora. 

Don't Work
Nobody is working on the day. That is very Jewish. We celebrate holidays by letting other people work.

Forbid Stuff
If nothing is forbidden, it's not a Jewish holiday. Make sure you have sins, and Mitzvot. 
You can't eat turducken. It's Kilayim. You can't mix animals, and it kills a good turkey.
Forbid showering. After working on the yard and playing football, not showering will bring that second day of Rosh Hashana shul smell to the holiday.
You have to have three meals over the course of the day. On holidays, we have to eat more than once. Why not today? And ask questions like that. 'Why not today?' That brings a Pesach feeling to the holiday.

Have a Fight
A family fight will bring that holiday feeling to the day.

Turn the Thanksgiving Day Parade into a Rally
Jews don't parade. We rally.
Use the Thanksgiving Macy's floats to make political statements. Let it be known that Garfield is pro-turkey, because he loves Israel. He's thinking, 'I would love turkey shawarma right now.'

Remember to eat this Thanksgiving. That will make it a Jewish holiday.
If you want it to be a true Jewish holiday, eat the turkey breast. That's brisket of the turkey. And don't forget to the turkey pastrami sandwich.
I tried to help.
Thanksgiving Sameach