Announcements
Kids are mad about their gifts again this year. One kid threw his Rubik's Cube and yelled, 'Are we living in the 1980s?!!!' He then went on, 'They didn't buy me a computer for Chanukah because my parents don't love me.'
 
Falafel latkes was a disappointment to all. They tasted exactly like falafel. And they looked like falafel. Now, the community has no idea what to do for the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration this year.
 
It's snowing and windy. We'll see you in shul next week.
 
Shabbis candle lighting times are after Chanukah candle lighting times, whenever that is.
 
Sisterhood meeting will take place at the Sokolich residence. This way Mrs. Sokolich can air her grievances about the flower arrangements and the new head of the sisterhood who she doesn't like. She will also serve tea and coffee to let you know how coffee at Kiddish should taste.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…

If you cared, you'd figure out the Chanukah lighting times... The times are important. But you forgot them...
 
Paroh had a bad dream… I had a bad dream. Killed me. Woke me up. I dreamt I was still working at Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah in seven years…
I had a second bad dream too. I dreamt Bernie didn’t move down to Florida, and he was still here in seven years.
The Gabai explained my dreams to me. He said it will be seven bad years with annoying congregants and a president you can’t stand… No good years. Just seven bad years. A president who forgets stuff. You forget everything decent... Like Shabbis times and when Minyin is. And when to light Chanukah candles. And whose kid is getting Bar Mitzvahed... You make the wrong announcements.
 
Paroh can’t get anybody to explain his dreams. At least I have the Gabai. And even he can’t explain the president or Bernie to me… It's Paroh. I wanted to reiterate that for the president, so he remembers who had the dreams when he gives announcements...
All the sudden, the Head of Drinks comes and tells Paroh, (Bereishit 41:9-13) ‘My sin, I remember today… me and the Chamberlain of the Bakers… there was a Hebrew youth with us, a slave of the Head of the Butchers, and we told him, and he interpreted our dreams…’
You guys can't even remember your sins... Well let me help you. Not showing to shul. Not visiting the sick. Throwing your parents in nursing homes and never visiting. Do you keep Kosher?... That's another one. Lashon Hara. You all talk bad about everybody... I rebuke you in the sermons. It's to your face. Not educating your kids correctly. Karban Pesach...
 
All the sudden, he remembers Yosef. You didn't remember my raise. There was no all the sudden with that...
The Head of Drinks forgot. Kind of like the time the president forgot to tell me. ‘Ooops. We announced Shabbis for 5:30 instead of 4:30…’ Yes. That’s a big deal. People are starting Shabbis on Shabbis... An Am HaAretz. I don't know why we print the announcements anyways... Just read them. Stop being creative and people will know when to light candles. Am HaAretz...
 
 
His sin Why does he say ‘My sin’? What’s his sin? He forgot the good Yosef did for him.
You don’t forget the good people do for you. Unless if you’re one of my congregants... It's a sin to forget the good people do for you. HaKarat HaTov. Recognize the good... You can't recognize the good if you forget it all the time... It's easy to remember the bad. Just look at Bernie...
If Head of Drinks was in this shul, he would've forgotten the lighting times. You guys light your Chanukah candles at the weirdest hours... I know, because I have to sit in meetings with you people. And the meetings go on. And they go on. You guys don't stop. You talk about nothing... Your definitely not talking about Chanukah lighting times.

You forgot to turn on the heating in the sanctuary today… Yes. It’s a sin. When you forget, people freeze. Yosef suffered because the Drink guy forgot...
You forgot to filter the coffee. You killed Kiddish.
Nobody likes the coffee. Mrs. Sokolich is right… If the Head of the Drinks had made coffee like that, Paroh would’ve killed him too… Yes. The Chamberlain of the Cupbearers. What? Are we living in 15th century England?! Head of Drinks... If he forgot to add creamer like the new head of the sisterhood, Paroh would've killed him...

I had a nightmare that I would eat falafel instead of latkes, and it came true... H' interpreted it for me. The dream meant I would have to attend a really not good Chanukah party...
Yes. I remembered to show up to the shul's Chanukah party, because I care.
Most parents don't care.
If you cared about your kid, you would've gotten him something other than a Rubik's Cube... Yes. That shows you don't love him...

It's good not many people are here today... They didn't forget. They just don't want to come to shul... It's not COVID. You can't use COVID as an excuse anymore...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
A lot of forgetting in our congregation. I think the rabbi has to give the same message each week, because people forget they're wrong.

The rabbi went through everybody's sins. He even brought up Chanan being single and how that's a sin. The single girls in the congregation started crying in the middle of the sermon. They thought they just felt bad about not having kids. They now heard they're sinning too.
I think the rabbi is going to reuse this sermon for the Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeal. He saw people crying and he likes to exude tears with those sermons. Three years back, his Yizkur Appeal was about how singles are losers. They cried then too.

The rabbi wasn't talking to many people. They didn't show up because of the snow. It's amazing how Sakanat Nifashot, danger to life, because the most important law when it comes to going to shul. None of the congregants have ever been worried about their life at the supermarket.
It's cold in shul. Most people wouldn't know that as they don't show up.
They're still using COVID to get out of coming to shul during the summer months. During the winter it's nippy.
 
Kiddish coffee has not been good. I think they're serving decaf now.

Parents are starting to buy more stuff for their kids. They find it easier to not have to talk to them and to express their love with gifts. One parent gave their kid a gift certificate tot he Dollar Tree and said, 'That's eighteen gifts... That's how much I love you. None of your friends got eighteen gifts.'
One of the kids friends got a gaming laptop. To which the mom told their kid, 'But that's only one.'

Like fools, they lit at the end of the Chanukah party. Even at the Chanukah party they couldn't get the lighting right. You light when people come.
A board member said it was too dangerous to light around people, as there are kids. And so nobody saw it. And because the members forgot how to do a Mitzvah, the only miracle of Chanukah the community saw was the bouncy house.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, cold and Kotel Kippahs, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at the Chabad rabbis for spreading the beautiful word of Chanukah with extremely huge Menorahs.

Rabbi David. Why do we not do Hallel on Purim? We say it on Chanukah.
I don't believe that last part is a question. That's a statement. As such, I shall answer the first part, which ends with a question mark. Questions should always have question marks. If you can please tell the other congregants that a statement is not a question; that will help with the next guest speakers Q and A. They will appreciate questions being in question in form, and not speech form.
The reason we don't say Hallel on Purim is that we're reading the Megillah. After reading the Megillah it would be way too painful. After an hour or so of Megillah and groggers to have to also then do Hallel, we would lose members. People would run from shul in fear.
Reading the Megillah is an hour or so. It can last up to an hour and half with excitable kids. Hence, you should always be sure to read the Megillah without kids.

Why do we say Hallel on Chanukah?
Now, that's a question.
Because there are no decent Chanukah songs for Frum Jews. 'I Had a Little Dreidel,' 'Sevivon Sov Sov Sov,' 'Hashkeidiah Porachat,' 'Chanukah Chag Yafeh Kol Kach.' I question if there are any Jewish Chanukah songs. We need Hallel to ensure some Jewish songs are sung on Chanukah.
If it was up to our congregants we'd be singing 'Silent Night' around the Menorah. We're going to sing Hallel.

Why does everybody in Israel constantly say 'Sufganiot make you fat' all of Chanukah?
They're not going to say it on Pesach.
It's annoying and it ruins my Chanukah. We all know doughnuts are not good on a diet. Weight Watchers doesn't have doughnuts on their list. They have munchkins. And nobody is enjoying a Sufganiah munchkin quota.
They always say it right when they're eating the jelly filled oil doughnuts, to ward off the demons of fat. I can't enjoy the sucking out the jelly from a third Sufganiah when I'm hearing, 'These things make you fat.' They kill the whole holiday for me.
Nobody should be worried about fat till after the holiday, when they have to take off fifteen pounds. That's the Psak.
If these people really cared, they would give you a Sufganiah and a new pair of pants, and they would tell you to enjoy your Chanukah.
Truth is, they would say it on Pesach. But Pesach they're saying 'Matzah makes you fat.' They find way to ruin my Pesach.

Do I have to purchase gifts?
If you want your family to love you.

Why is Chabad's Chanukiah so much bigger than the one we lit at shul?
I'm not willing to risk my life to light the Chanukah Menorah. Are you? Exactly. It's Sakanat Nifashot. I was never involved in construction. I will not start now with a Chanukiah, at the age of fifty-eight. I won't be raised fifteen stories in a bucket. Nor will I stand on a scaffolding to light for the third night.
I saw that rabbi up on the Chanukiah. The Chanukiah was bigger than his house. The real question is if the Chabad rabbi is going to do additions to his home. Like a room with a big window, to light Chanukiahs on Chanukah.
Chanukah lighting is not a competition. How long your Seder lasts is a competition. That's something to brag about.

Where should we shop for Chanukah?
You need milk?
Yes.
The grocery store. There's a decent convenience store down the block as well. It used to be a 7-Eleven.

Rabbi David's Notes
These congregants are so annoying. I understand I'm a Gadol, but everybody comes to me with the most annoying questions. Can any of these people make decisions themselves? I have to answer that question too now.
Why do I always have to compete with the Chabad rabbi? I do believe our shul should get a new Chanukiah. The tin Menorah is pathetic. Especially when the Chabad rabbi is lighting from a scaffolding six stories up. You will never see me driving around with a Chanukiah on my car, as that is a fire hazard.

This interview took place three days before the Chanukah party at the shul.

That's a very nice chair?
It's the committee chair.

You are the head of the committee?
The chair.

Why is it called a chair?
Because the person heading the committee sits in a chair. They don't sit on a stool.

Then they would call it a stool?
You see. Nobody respects people sitting on a stool. They need a chair. That's why I'm the chair.

That's a very nice chair.
Why thank you. Bed Bath and Beyond.

They sell that at Bed Bath and Beyond?
At their online store. Black Friday deal. Very good deals on Black Friday. It was six percent off the suggested retail place.

Should this be a chair, being that it's only for an event?
You want to treat the event with Kavod. Respect.

How did they chose the person to run the event?
The chair?

Yes.
I said yes. I said I will do it, and they said, 'You're the one.'

So. Nobody else wanted to help?
Nope. Nobody else. They don't respect Chanukah. I respect Chanukah.

So, you chaired this all alone?
All alone. Thank Gd. It worked out so much better this way. It was my ideas and my ideas went through the committee. Unlike the Purim party last year, where we argued over whether we should serve Hamentashen or chocolate Danish.

That was an argument?
Four meetings. We sat in there for four meetings. There was a big split in the committee. The argument was that people eat Danish all year. The counter argument was people eat Danish all year. We ended up with a split in the committee. We had to have two different chairs.

Everybody likes chocolate Danish.
Exactly.

What ended up happening at the Purim party?
After much argument, they served latkes.

No Danish?
For Shalom in the shul, people ate the Danish and Hamentashen in their cars. People were running to and from the parking lot the whole Purim party. Especially the drinkers. They had their trunks open, eating Hamentashen.

Tailgating Purim?
They started tailgating everything. It's been a year since we had another committee meeting in the shul. Instead of meetings, people started hanging out outside of shul, drinking and having BBQs.

How did you plan the Chanukah party?
Food. A lot of food.

Anything else?
Activities and chocolate coins. The kids love the chocolate coins. That's an activity. Trying to open them. It can be very challenging to get that first little piece of foil folded over just right to have a clean chocolate approach. You do that wrong, you have to spend the rest of Chanukah cleaning your nails.

Some parents complained about the danger.
They're fools. If you raise a kid that thinks that eating tinfoil is safe, the kid's an idiot. And if they think it's money... These parents have to teach their children about currency.
And that was a fifth grader who ate the tinfoil last year.

I thought it was a toddler who put the chocolate foil in their mouth. It was too small.
That too.
We're going to have chocolate coins again this year. I'm going to make sure it happens.

Did you get any pushback?
There's no one else on the committee.

Are there going to be gifts?
Of course.

What gifts?
Anything from the Dollar Tree. All Chanukah gifts should be from the Dollar Tree.

Any other gifts?
No.

Why not?
A committee decision.

Conclusion
The committee chair also shared the other activities that will be happening. She insisted on the importance of Dreidel games, as this is the time of year our Jewish Kinder learn how to place bets correctly. She was also mad that the Purim committee didn't let the children drink last year. To quote, 'How else will they learn?'
She made sure everybody had a good time. She started off the party with a speech about how everybody should respect Chanukah and the Dreidel game. She said that the Greeks would've cheated.

She was a tough woman. I think she would've overpowered anybody on the committee. 
She was very stern about her ideas of what truly makes a Chanukah gift. She was adamant about the Dollar Tree. Most of the gifts at the Chanukah party were Silly Putty, miniature action figures and dish sponges. Some of the kids at the Chanukah party were not very happy with the laundry detergent pods. They got a 'Shin' on the Dreidel game. It was their fault. The angry kid remarked, 'You get more than two pods at Costco. That's where my mom shops.'
Some of the toddlers were eating the miniature action figures. She told the parents to teach their kids that tiny dolls are not food.

She was sitting in an extremely elaborate chair the whole interview. It was an Eliyahu Bris style looking chair. Very detailed woodwork. I I believe she used much of the budget for that chair. She felt that chairing the committee was the most important part of the event.
There was no Menorah lighting at the event. The budget couldn't cover the Menorah.

There is such a thing as bad thoughts. I know this, because I have received many Chanukah gifts over the years.
You want an article about what gifts to get, look on Amazon and check out what you missed on Black Friday. I never got a drone camera.
Here is a list of Chanukah gifts you should not get for people. These are really bad gifts that ended up in my room. And one thing all of these gifts have in common is that when I got them every gift was followed with, ‘It's the thought that counts.’ Every time I heard that, I knew it was a mistake. There is such a thing as a bad thought.
 
A Calendar From Last Year
Certain gifts are time sensitive. There's an end of year sale on calendars and I respect that. My aunt is very good at finding deals. Around December time, the previous year’s calendars go on sale.
Last year I got a calendar from 2021. I can use it in 2035, if it's a leap year. Otherwise, I have to wait till 2056.
It would have also been nice if my aunt did not mark it up with all of her appointments.
 
A Racket with a Ball Attached
My mom should've just given me a card that said 'you don't have any friends to play with.'
That racket and ball kept me frustrated for all 8 days. I spent all of Chanukah trying to figure out why I can't hit a ball that's attached. The Rubik’s Cube also got me on edge for a while. Want to make my holiday a nightmare? Give me a game that takes any amount of skill or knowledge. I have been looking at the Sudoku book for a good four years now. Four years of numbers I can’t figure out and failure.
 
Drawings
I love my nephews and nieces, but his drawings are bad. I said it and I care. I am a good uncle. I did not put the picture up on the fridge. I don’t want to have to show that to my nephew and tell him, ‘Do not become an artist. You have no talent.’ It looks like a dinosaur tree, with no detail; just a green marker circle. My sister already stopped him from eating popsicles when she realized he would never make a decent architect.
The kid could've worked, saved up, and given me something meaningful from the Dollar Tree. Such as a real Chanukah card.
Children should not get credit for everything they do. I am still trying to figure out if my niece deserved to graduate kindergarten. She couldn’t read the diploma. I don’t even think she could trace it, inside the lines.
 
Trivet
It might have been an ashtray. Every pottery piece I ever got looked like an ashtray. Pottery class should not be something they allow in elementary schools. It seems to condone smoking.
Paper-mache should be banned altogether. I cannot tell you how many gifts I have received over the years that look like balloons.
 
Socks that My Aunt Stitched together
I like when my socks stay up.
Maybe David didn’t purchase the socks that have no elastic band on the top, because he likes it when his socks don’t constantly fall. Everything stitched falls. Crocheted sweaters with no neck are also not good gifts.
Anything crocheted is not a good idea. Marshall’s has a hard-enough time getting my waist size right.
 
Chocolate Coins
Also known as Chanukah gelt (money in Yiddish), this is not real money. They are chocolate with tin foil on top. You got me the first time you gave me these chocolate coins. You aren’t going to make a fool of me again. I will not be mocked by people at 7-Eleven who do not accept chocolate as currency.
Instead of spending $50 on two dollars worth of chocolate, give me $48 and a couple of Hershey’s bars.

Please don’t be angry if you receive a racket with a ball attached to it, a calendar from 2011, my nephew’s paper-mache Chanukah card drawing, socks that don’t fit me, or silver foil in the shape of a coin. I need to make space in my room for the pants and crocheted sweaters I am going to receive this holiday.
Come to think of it, I think she got that calendar for free. The calendar had Chabad written all over it. And there was an envelope marked with an address for a donation.

ISRAEL
•Tel Aviv drops from first to third on most expensive city to live in. One more thing Israel is losing at. In order to aid in Tel Aviv reclaiming their spot as the most expensive city to live in, the city is making it impossible to park in without getting a ticket. And shawarma is up to 83nis a pita. Our Israel consultant, Tzachi, is now visiting the US to get a shawarma and falafel meal he can afford.
•Bollywood will be coming to Israel to shoot the film Heroes of Haifa, focusing on a WWI battle against the Ottoman army, won by India with a dance troupe.

ART & ENTERTAINMENT
•A Jewish adaptation of A Christmas Carol is now to hit the stage, as the Hallmark network has not worked in enough Chanukah themed Christmas parties. 'A Hanukkah Carol, or GELT TRIP! The Musical' (JTA). Rachel (our senior writer) is very excited, as this should make it easier to help our kids integrate into Christian society. To quote Mark, 'There is not enough Christmas stuff out there. We need  Chanukah to be more like Christmas. I hope this helps.' The creators hope that Christmas brings them a lot of money this Chanukah.
•The Gett, a new play about Jewish divorce is out in the theaters. The director is hoping it can influence a higher level of divorce.
Rabbi Matt Green, who is behind the production, has been trying to grow programming for 'cultural Jews' (JTA). As divorce is the number one practiced and beloved mitzvah in the Jewish community, Rabbi Matt feels it is important that all Jews first connect to Yiddishkeit through a Gett.
•The new show on Netflix Mo claims Israelis kicked their family out of their home in Israel, though their family doesn't recognize that Israelis exist.

JEWISH
•Fordham University has decades worth of Jewish artifacts from the Bronx. 'A Catholic university may be the unlikeliest place for what may be the largest depository dedicated to the Jewish history of the Bronx' (NY Jewish Week). We did not know the Vatican had access to the Bronx when the Second Temple was destroyed. 
•Channukah themed pop-up bar is making its way to NY, from Boston, with drinks like the Latke Sour (JTA). How you fry a drink is still a question our staff has. We will have to go to check out how you serve a drink in a dreidel without spilling it. Mark has made it very clear that he can't wait to taste the Flamining Chanukiah and the Maccabee on the Beach.
•The price of oil in tiny cup holders has gone up eight-hundred percent to $145 a pack of forty-four. Market speculators are saying the price is expected to go down to $9.99 on December twenty-seventh. They are still trying to figure out the reason for the price hike.

ISRAEL POLITICS
•Caroline Glick reports 'Arab Israelis are building an army.' Effie Eitam says, 'This is my old soldier ear which can hear... it is not just shooting at weddings' (JNS). It goes beyond the Arab Israeli tradition of shooting your new mother-in-law. Though many people are still trying to find ways to shoot their in-laws, many Israelis feel it is wrong to bring M16s to weddings. The Arab Israelis call this racism.
•Iranian cyberattacks on Israel are up 70% (JNS). The US is going to attack the nuclear factory creating these cyber weapons.

ISRAEL INNOVATION
•Israel puts out the first frozen dessert machine to market. 'It’s Like A Nespresso Machine… But For Ice Cream!' (Janglo). Many people are made and have complained that the ice cream machine puts out the worst espresso they ever had.
And you thought Shkeidei Marak, soup-nuts, was the height of Israeli creation. No, it is not. We've moved way past Ben Gurion's rice (it's shameful Ben Gurion didn't know the difference between pasta and rice).
Now the people of the great country that brought you SodaStream are finding a way to make homemade ice cream more expensive. Like any local Israeli who has ever used a SodaStream, they will soon create a way to make the ice cream without having to purchase the capsules.

ANTISEMITISM
Antisemitism still exists. Kanye West is still around.
•Our weekly Kanye quote (we tried creating jokes, but nothing is as ludicrous as what he said in his interview with Alex Jones): 'Obama was not the first black president. He was another Jewish president.'
Kanye is sending a strong message to Kyrie Irving that Kyrie cannot compete with his anti-Semitic creativity. 'I'm much more anti-Semitically creative. Kyrie. Just wait till you hear what I say about Hitler and the Nazis. Catch this. "Evil should not be associated with Nazis. That's not fair to them."' Kanye then went on to blame the Jews for the price of gas, Pearl Harbor and his glasses that he lost the other morning.

SPORTS
•No greater place to show you hate Jews than sports.
Australian-Jewish teenager Harry Sheezel gets picked third in the Australian Football League, causing antisemitism. As Australian Football fans said, 'It's because of the Jews that a Jew was picked.'
•Israeli UFC fighter, Natan Levy, tells Kanye West (Ye) to come and see him. '...I will fight for my people in the octagon...' (JTA). We want to thank Natan for expressing the strength of our people. Natan will fight anybody who promotes antisemitism or racism in the octagon, as long as they way in at 155lbs or under.

It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, with the Kibbitzer's pictures from the past couple months. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done that can incriminate him in Israel.

Now that we have found ways to make Thanksgiving Jewish, by eating more turkey pastrami, it's time to make Chanukah Frum again. This here, ideas of how to make Chanukah more religious for you and your mishpuchi, is my gift to you.
 
Eat Oily Food
The Chanukah food is not oily enough anymore. I've even seen some of these non-religious people placing latkes on paper towels. If you haven't seen this act of heresy, this is where people pull the latkes off the frying pan and place them on paper towels, to get off some of the oil. I've even seen some of these heretics pat the top of the latke with a paper towel, to degrease it even more. These are the same people that flip over their pizza to let the oil run off it. Heretics.

Use Animal Fat
​Oily food is religious, only if it comes from an animal. It must be the oily fat from the shmaltz flanken meat to be Frum. That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for eight days. Don’t use olive or canola oil, as that comes from vegetables and we don’t eat that.
 
Eat Oilier Latkes
Add more oil to the eating. Take potatoes that were in oil and throw them oil. If you need, put a latke in your mouth and chase it with oil. That's how you connect with the miracle of oil. And don't call it a miracle. Call it a 'Nes.' That sounds more religious.
 
Give the Children Big Kippahs
Who cares if they want the Xbox. Let them know that Chanukah is about Jewish identity, even if that means that they will never want to celebrate Chanukah again. You already gave them the knitted sweater that doesn’t fit, might as well give them something Jewish they didn't want.
That Kippah is the sign of Jewish pride. On Chanukah we announce that we are Jewish and light, so the world can see we are proud and know where we live when they get mad at Jews. 

Walk Down the Streets Wearing a Yarmulke
​Getting beeped at by people yelling 'Jews' brings a festive feeling to the holidays.
 
Light up the Electric Candles
This way it makes Chanukah look like a Frum holiday, with a Yahrtzeit, commemorating the death of a loved one. Good Jews always remember family who has gone when they celebrate.
Nobody should ever be too happy. The whole festive gift giving has killed the religious feeling of the holiday. People smiling doesn't feel devout. Personally, I am waiting for Yom Kippur.
 
Say Xmas
The most Frum thing you can do on Chanukah is to call Christmas something else. If you use Yiddish, even better. You can call it Nitelnacht, or any word with nacht at the end, and you are set. Be a proud Yiddish speaking Jew who doesn't even acknowledge Xmas. Better yet, just call it “The Day,” then spit.
 
Purchase Gifts That Mean Something
If you find something on sale and give it as a gift, that is Frum. Never give somebody retail. Paying retail shows that you put no thought into the gift.

Eat Sponge Cake, Kichel and Herring
That will make any day more of a Frum day. If you’re ever feeling not religious, throw some herring on kichel and it will all change. That is on level with repenting on Yom Kippur. To Chanukahize, make sure you bake with a lot of oil, and only use shmaltz oily herring. If you can, oil your sponge cake. Oiling up your sponge cake ensures you a place in heaven.
 
Eat More
If you are still questioning whether your Chanukah is religious, eat more.
Just eat. Most people don't eat enough. They focus on the lighting of the candles too much. They lose the message of the holiday, and that is to eat. 
When did brisket not become part of this holiday? That's the issue here.
 
Use Tinfoil
Put tinfoil on anything and it is religious. You used it to cover your home on Pesach. You used it to store the food for Shabbat, with the tin. You used it after cook the food you stored. Wrap the Chanukah gifts in tinfoil. Send over some latkes to a friend in foil. Use the foil to hide your child’s embarrassing wood slab Chanukah Menorah and light the candles respectfully, in crunched up tinfoil.

Go to a Shul Chanukah Party
Here, the rabbi is the one with the beard giving out gifts. It's better than going to the mall and getting gifts from Santa.
 
Decorate
All Chanukah decorations should look like it was somebody's birthday party. You should have letters hanging that say 'Happy Hanukah.' The most fun thing to do is to dress somebody with a birthday hat and then spin them. Be sure to buy it all at the Christmas Tree Shop.

Never Play Dreidel
Dreidel is not religious. It's gambling. Some renegade rabbi with a gambling addiction needed to find a way to enjoy the holiday. When he realized he couldn't go to the casino on Chanukah, he created this dreidel game. The people that were learning Torah when the Greeks were coming also apparently played this. Whether or not they wagered nickels on the game is inconclusive.

Sing Hebrew Songs
If you sing songs in a language you don’t understand, that will make the holiday more religious.
Remember, the harder it is to decipher your language, the better off you are as a Jew. Add ‘nacht’ to everything, and it will be more religious. As a good Jew, you can even enjoy Thanksgiving next year, if you call it Thanksgivinacht.

To really enjoy Chanukah, give the gift of a whole bar of chocolate and let the people enjoy it. We know that chocolate covered coins are not currency. And don't forget to add oil and have a family fight.
I hope that you found some of my tips useful. Gift idea: give your loved ones my new Chanukah album titled I’m Dreaming of a Frum Chanukah. 

Thanksgiving has much Jewish tradition. There is a lot of food on the table, and that is Jewish to me. Yet, it can be more Jewish. I don't want to feel not connected to my people when celebrating this beautiful day. Let's focus on what we can do to make the holiday more Jewish.

Eat Your Turkey on Friday Night
Any meal you have on Friday night is a Shabbis meal. That's Jewish. Ever tried turkey necks in your choolante? That's a thank you to H' right there.

Eat More
Eat cold cuts. As my dad always taught me, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher, until they realized you can make pastrami out of it. 
Make a sponge pumpkin pie. I don't know how that is done, but make it and it's Jewish. Songecake is Jewish. If you can make a sponge pie, you're a Jewish revolutionary. A pumpkin babka can work too.

Eat A Turkey Shawarma
Mixing Israel into the American celebration allows all the anti-Jewish sceptics to say 'I told you so,' and that makes us feel good. This is the perfect time to lend to the conspiracy that Israel and the US are in cahoots. 
What are the US and Israel in collaboration about? Loving turkey. Both Israelis and Americans like to eat turkey.
The food allyship goes further. Israelis don't like cranberry sauce, but I have seen much cranberry crumble over in the Holy Land. It makes you question. If Israelis knew about pumpkin pie, they would eat it. The pumpkin pie conspiracy is there. Israelis just don't know about it yet.

Tell The Story of the Pilgrims
The pilgrims used wagons. So did every rebbe. You would know this if you ever heard a Chassidic story. Turn the Pilgrims into rebbe stories. Tell of how they did Kiruv on the Native people. Make it meaningful, with a sermon of the first Wampanoag Bar Mitzvah celebration. 
Better yet, tell the story of the Pilgrims fleeing Europe, running away from Christian persecution. Jews can connect with the Church trying to kill them. Persecution always brings us Simcha.

Thank H'
Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday, as we give thanks. Thanking Gd is a Jewish thing to do. Just don't do it at the table in English. Definitely not before the meal. Thanking Gd before the meal is not Jewish. And don't say 'Lord.' Jews pray to Gd. Christians pray to the Lord.
Bless Gd before the meal with a Bracha. Thank Gd after the meal with the Birkat Hamazon. That's not meant to be commentary. That's meant to make you a better Jew.
And do not hold hands when praying. This isn't the hora. 

Don't Work
Nobody is working on the day. That is very Jewish. We celebrate holidays by letting other people work.

Forbid Stuff
If nothing is forbidden, it's not a Jewish holiday. Make sure you have sins, and Mitzvot. 
You can't eat turducken. It's Kilayim. You can't mix animals, and it kills a good turkey.
Forbid showering. After working on the yard and playing football, not showering will bring that second day of Rosh Hashana shul smell to the holiday.
You have to have three meals over the course of the day. On holidays, we have to eat more than once. Why not today? And ask questions like that. 'Why not today?' That brings a Pesach feeling to the holiday.

Have a Fight
A family fight will bring that holiday feeling to the day.

Turn the Thanksgiving Day Parade into a Rally
Jews don't parade. We rally.
Use the Thanksgiving Macy's floats to make political statements. Let it be known that Garfield is pro-turkey, because he loves Israel. He's thinking, 'I would love turkey shawarma right now.'

Remember to eat this Thanksgiving. That will make it a Jewish holiday.
If you want it to be a true Jewish holiday, eat the turkey breast. That's brisket of the turkey. And don't forget to the turkey pastrami sandwich.
I tried to help.
Thanksgiving Sameach