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Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school. As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal. It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit. We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes... When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie. The question is who sees the sword... Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you... And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima... (Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters... (Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’ Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you. When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals. (22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock. This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten... It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking... The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important... Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast... The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot... Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery. We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that. 'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance. The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse. He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping. Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul. They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board. The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement. When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee. Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president. I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish. They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul. That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent. The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent. The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody. Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me. How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough. Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Chukat7/14/2024
Announcements
Single people are still at shul. Please invite them for something. They’re lonely and pathetic. They need your help. When you see a single person, think Chesed. Chesed and Rachmanis. Kids are away at camp. We feel that is important to announce. We just wanted to bring a bissel Simcha to everybody. We want to wish the Bar Mitzvah boy a Mazel Tov, though none of his friends are here. They’re at camp. We expect people with migraines to come to Minyin. There is no Mitzvah to not do Mitzvahs because you have a migraine. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Look at a Single Person in a Way that Lets Them Know They Need Help. How to Extend Camp for Another Two Months So the Rabbi Can Get a Cookie at Kiddish Too. How to Wish Mazel Tov to a Kid Who’s Celebrating a Bar Mitzvah at Shul when All His Friends are at Camp Enjoying Themselves. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 20:5) The people complain again. It’s like having to deal with Bernie and Rachel. Can’t go a week without complaining... ‘No water. No pomegranates...’ It’s like a board meeting. They would complain about pomegranates... Water I get. Who needs pomegranates? You’re starving and the one thing that comes to mind is pomegranates. They want to stain their shirts in the desert... Stains don’t come out in the desert. You request mangoes. It’s like the sisterhood were the ones complaining to Moshe... You always choose the worst stuff for Kiddish... (Bamidbar 20:10-11) ‘Listen now or rebels. Shall we bring forth water for you from this rock?’ Complainers are rebels. Which is why I call the members of the board, rebels. Moshe hits the rock and they drink. It's not that simple when the sisterhood doesn't head to Aldi to pick up cola for Kiddish... Even Summit Cola would quench my thirst after listening to you complain... It's the pinnacle of a decent price. Why did Moshe hit the rock? He had to deal with a board. I’ve been at meetings and I’ve hit the treasurer... (20:12) Then Moshe and Aharon are told they can’t bring the Jews into Israel... Yes. I am going over the whole story, because this congregation has messed up my life. Held me back from Aliyah... (Bamidbar 20:13) Bitter waters. That’s what these waters are called. I call Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah a bitter shul... No. Topeka just has bad water. It's the sewer system. Nothing is good enough for this congregation. You remember the time I took everybody on the whitewater rafting trip and we forgot food. Complaints... At least you had fun rafting... You complain and this is why I can’t get away for a little summer vacation. You’re rebels. You make me want to hit stuff... Because you do everything wrong... What do you want us to say? Single people love life?!... The divorcees are more pathetic. You want them to know that they're a Rachmanis. They should feel their pity. It's the way you invite them. You want to make it bitter. It's that look of pathetic sadness, where you bring you lips together and tilt your head... The head tilt makes people feel like they're a Rachmanis... It helps add to their bitterness... It's because you focus on the negative. You're not single. There's no reason to focus on negative... H’ does give us blessings. The kids are away at camp... Yes. I want a glazed sugar cookie too. I love the hard sugar frosting... Those little rebels take it all. Who plans a Bar Mitzvah for the summer? None of the kids are here... It’s your fault. You’re the only people who don’t try to get rid of your kids for the summer... Now. I'm not calling up Winny... And now you’re complaining about migraines. The Jews in the desert didn’t even complain about migraines... Migraines are not an excuse to not come to shul. What is a migraine anyways. It's a headache. I get migraines from this congregation all every day... Because you're rebels. I hear you talk and I want to hit stuff. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always gets mad at the sisterhood for messing up Kiddish. They pick the worst fruit. We had cantaloupe the other week. And they also had pomegranates. It wasn’t even Rosh Hashana. Everybody was walking around with a stained shirt. And they were not pre-peeled pomegranates. There was no chance shirts wouldn't get stained. They could've at least handed out aprons for pomegranate peeling. The rabbi blamed the shul for his not moving to Israel. He blamed it on making a decent salary. Calling Sadie a rebel was a bit of a stretch. I think the most she did was show up to a Bat Mitzvah where the girl's father took a shot of Glenlivet. The rabbi believes he’s helping the single people by letting them know how sad their lives are. He suggests it encourages them to get married. It definitely gets them crying during Musaf. I think the single people don't like being a Rachmanis. One woman just stood there staring right at a single person. She didn't even have to say the girl was a pity. The woman started pouting, leaned her head, while staring at the single, and then started crying herself. The rabbi commended the woman on her ability to let the single girls know they're a Rachmanis. He said the single people truly felt that look of patheticness. Never seen the rabbi so happy. He didn’t have to see kids and he got his cookies at Kiddish. The kids didn’t steal them all before he got there. The rabbi loves the smilie face cookies. Usually he has to berate a child to get one. The rabbi loves the cookies with the yellow hard frosted smilie face. He said you can't have belief in H' when you never get one of those. The selfishness of the children is rebelliousness. The rabbi even hit the Kiddish table once, when he didn't get his cookie. The rabbi refused to call up the Bar Mitzvah boy for the traditional intimate blessing speech. It turns out the Bar Mitzvah boy was fine with that. The rabbi truly didn’t understand why somebody wouldn’t get rid of their kids for a summer if they could. He tried running a summer camp for congregants, just to get rid of the members. I started telling people I have a migraine. Nobody cares if you have a headache. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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In honor of the 4th of July, we are going to get rid of our Chazin. We feel it’s time the shul had their independence. The Antifa protest at the school dinner wasn’t supported by the rabbi. Though the rabbi doesn't like his congregants, it was not his idea. It is just Antifa doesn’t like to hear Jews are eating schnitzel. We are asking for people to think about being Baal Korehs. We need a new Baal Koreh. The last Torah reader guy had a panic attack when he messed up the word ‘VaYechi.’ He was berated by every congregant, after they screamed at him in front of the whole congregation. He started crying and had a panic attack. We understand the shul has many abusive members who yell a lot. This years’ Korach Award goes to Bernie, again. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Love You and Not Be a Chazin. Antifa & Masks: Do They All Still Have COVID. How to Correct a Baal Koreh Without Putting Down His Family. How to Not Be Bernie. The security training will take place Sunday. As she was there last time, Ethel is expected to be one of the instructors. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 16:32-35) Korach and his followers are swallowed up by the earth, along with their households and wealth... I don’t know where it is. It’s not a treasure to find. This isn’t Goonies. They weren’t pirates. The two-hundred-fifty who weren’t swallowed, who brought their frying pans to the fight, were consumed by a flame... I don’t know why people fight with frying pans. Like this is The Three Stooges... Our congregants would bring anything. If you saw the security training, you would understand that anything other than throwing a punch. A spoon would be more dangerous than Binyamin Zev Michel Ben Melvin... Ethel is only willing to get into a scuffle because she's ninety-seven and she is ready to go... Incense is not how you defend against terror... The lesson is , Don’t mess with your rabbi... (Bamidbar 17:2-3) Elazar Ben Aharon is now commanded to take the frying pans ‘for they have become holy... the fire pans of these sinners...’ I don’t address congregants by name. I just say sinners. The back left sinners. The fire pans were to be a cover for the altar. Yes. There is a lesson here. You can turn something used for sin to something holy. Kadosh. This congregation has a chance. The ability of this shul for holiness is huge... You can change this place. Can turn sin into Mitzvah. Holy. The amount this congregation has messed up, it’s a Kidush H’. It’s a sanctification of Gd. How can we make this place Holy... You’re a great Chazin. You're gone. I already feel like we're making Kadosh... Like the British, you cause people pain. You take away our joy by singing really long songs... It’s like a shul tax. Now, we're going to Daven quickly. Kadosh... Kicking you out of your job is a sanctification. We have beefed up security... It's Kadosh to scare Jews into keeping Mitzvahs. Since the dinner most of you have gone crazy... We understand. It's a shock to find out people hate Jews. I'm thinking the Antifa people are the board of the shul... They have on masks. I can’t tell. Maybe one of them is the president... 'Sorry little mistake.' You're ruining the Torah! You read it and you're saying something else... I know none of the members understand it. But it still ruins it for them. Nonetheless, you make it Kadosh. Your messing up gives the shul a chance to express their holiness by screaming at you... There was no need to start shouting. ‘You’re an uneducated fool... Who raised you... Goats...’ Who is the Korach in this shul?... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi just calls the back left of the shul sinners. That's how he knows them. Fast Davening seems to be what the rabbi calls holy. The rabbi truly feels the Chazin is a tyrant. It's oppressive. Forcing them to stay in shul for longer with his singing, they felt it was time to overthrow him. The rabbi’s sermon was forty-five minutes. At least. This whole hating Jews thing was never a shock to me. Even the mini mart near our house brought up the milk prices a good seventy-five cents. The Antifa people are scary. These masked animals were banging on windows at the shul dinner. They had on masks. We don’t know who they were. I think it was the shul’s secretary. She hates Jews. Almost as much as the bakery’s cashier. It’s weird to go to a kosher bakery where they hate Israel. I think I heard her say last time, when I asked the price, ‘Look. A Jew. Trying to get a deal.’ It’s a kosher bakery. We’re the customers. Where else are we going to get deals? The security training class was messed up. I think we'd be safer just getting beat up. Ethel is ninety-seven, I believe. She can't even pick up a cast iron skillet. Even this past Shabbis, the whole shul was waiting to correct the Baal Koreh. They love it. They look forward to it. They really scared the last Baal Koreh with the VaYikach fiasco. He read, 'VaYilan.' People were shouting, 'No VaYikach!!!' One guy got up out of his seat, 'It's VaYikach, you idiot.' Then another member took off his cufflink and threw it at the Torah reader. And none of these congregants read Hebrew. It was like a coup. They were all waiting to yell at the guy. First chance they got, it was over. They are all too uneducated and lazy to read themselves. They enjoy berating. Some of them joined the shul softball team just to yell at the umpire. They said it's part of the game. Shloimy suggested to bring in the umpire to be the Torah reader. To quote, 'He's used to people yelling at him.' What kind of shul has a Korach Award?! Every year it’s Bernie. He gets the award. There's a whole ceremony. The rabbi calls him up to the Bima and tells everybody that he wouldn't feel like a rabbi if it wasn't for this man. Then the rabbi storms off the Bima and leaves the shul for the rest of Davening. Our rabbi came up with the idea for the Korach Awards. Anybody who disagrees with the rabbi gets an honorable mention. Honorable mentions: Sam who said that he didn't want to go shopping for Kiddish when the rabbi wanted a nap. He got the 'I can't go out of my way for Kichel' award. Carolyn who always wears hats that seem to be a protest to the rabbi's sermon, because nobody behind her can see the rabbi. Fran who can't hear well enough. She gets blamed for not having good hearing. Mark who tagged out the rabbi in the Lag BOmer shul softball game. Shloimy and Faigee who decided their time was best spent learning Torah instead of showing up to a committee meeting. They got the 'We would rather keep Mitzvahs' award. Though I love the rabbi, I can't show up to all these classes. I believe the sermons is where the rabbi truly educates his pupils. The 'How to Not Be Bernie' class is a series. 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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shelach6/30/2024
Announcements
We need to raise funds. Thus, we shall be starting a committee. To answer questions of the congregants. This is how you raise funds. With a committee. The shul needs money. To answer questions of the congregants. We need money for stuff. We are asking members to pay their dues. Many members have asked why? It was discussed by the board for many hours. It was decided that dues have to be paid because they’re dues. Please Note: Dues do not give you the right to talk during Davening. Another three-hundred-dollar dinner is this week. It’s a fundraiser We ask members practice wrapping their Tallis so the rest of the congregation doesn’t have to wait an hour for them to get an Aliyah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Join a Committee and Annoy People. How to Wrap a Tallis Around Your Shoulders Without Making Everyone Wait for Your Barchu. (follow-up class) How to Not Do A 15 Minute Mishebeyrach. Due to safety, we will not announce where the classes are. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s the way our people responded to Yehoshua and Calev... It's kind of like the board at a meeting when somebody suggests a committee isn't necessary... (Bamidbar 14:8-10) The people shouted, 'tone them.' Anything decent. Can’t happen. Anything good, you want to stone people. I tried telling you all to keep Shabbis, one congregant tried running me over... On Shabbis. They even told the Israelites that the people living in Israel, ‘they are your bread.’ The nation wanted Manna. They didn't want to take chances on food getting worse, once they moved to Israel... They didn't like the idea of food that did not come from the earth?! They didn't know about Chumus and Tahini yet... Big grapes are very scary. (Bamidbar 14:11-19) As they wanted to kill Calev and Yeshua and they didn’t want to go to Israel. Any reason to not go to Israel, just like our congregants who will come up with any reason to not come to shul... You still want COVID. It’s like COVID is your savior of Davening... Moshe even had to use the H’ of compassion prayer. H’ who forgives iniquities... Do you know how hard it is to lead this congregation. The amount of compassion that must be mustered... You're a very hard to love people. Will He forgive the board for not giving me a raise? Will He forgive the pain caused by having to serve on a committee? Will He forgive the trip to Israel that got cancelled due to a threat to the Pinkowitz vacation to Panama... (14:20-24) Only Calev will see the land... Of course Yehoshua. The rest who tested H’ will die in the desert... Lemon meringue pie can kill. But we're talking about a desert. not dessert. The shul trip to Israel. The protests... To this day, our congregation has a desert mentality... A committee. Why do we need another committee? I am already feeling heartburn... We need to protest committees. H' would have been fine with that. H' would support the protesting of a committee. He has no compassion for committees. What is the reason for these committees?... Why are people not paying their dues? Did you receive the ‘you didn’t pay dues’ letter?... There is no please there. It’s not supposed to be nice. They're dues. You pay them... We don’t care if you’re getting any service. We have services every Shabbis morning... People are scared to call to ask people to pay dues. Last time you threatened their life. When they said dues will help make the shul beautiful and bring it to a sense of lavish for H’s glory to be apparent, you wanted to kill them. you threatened them. You said you would pay dues after you stoned them... Finally, the board let people know that paying dues doesn’t give you the right to talk in shul. If somebody can please announce this at the next committee meeting. They are so annoying... We can’t announce where events are?! There are anti-Semites?! Did we not just speak of the Meraglim (the spies)?! What are we scared of?! I am scared of congregants coming to me with annoying questions... Oh my Gd. These people are annoying. How do You find the compassion to deal with them... That's my prayer... It's that you have no belief in Gd. Either that, or you're scared of losing you money. You're scared of losing what you have... Yes. You have to go to fundraisers and you have to pay your dues... You're worried about your life and money. There are only eighteen more fundraiser dinners this month. There are a couple of days in June left... It’s your fault if you didn’t budget correctly for the three hundred dollar dinners... I understand the fear of going to fundraisers. That may have kept people out of Israel... You cause sinful acts. We had to wait three minutes for you to put on your Tallis. The wait at Barchu was painful. Another Kiddish club started, due to your lack of ability to wrap a shawl around your shoulders... Your putting on a Tallis took almost as long as Galila. That was painful. This guy can't even get a cloth over a scroll. This congregation is very bad with fabric... If H' said we would have to use fabric in Israel with the congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I would've protested... Learn how to do the stuff correctly... We have a congregation waiting for you. You get the cloth caught on the scroll. You get the Tallis caught in your hair. No idea how that happened... And the we all waited for Barchu. It felt like it took forty years. Forty years of pain... It's just a quick flip of the shawl. Swing the tassels around. And you hit the guy in the eye... Dealing with this shul is a test of wills. It has people questioning their Emunah. It makes one say, 'If this congregation is moving to Israel, I am scared to live there. Even if the fruit is big. It's not worth it... That takes too much faith in H." And then there is Bernie...' Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi just blamed the Jews dying in the desert and being allowed to enter Israel on the Meraglim and our congregants. The membership didn't understand why the people didn't want to go to Israel. They all love Israeli food. Then they heard how much the trip costs. The were protesting the shul's trip to Israel. Members were protesting their own trip to the Holy Land. They were scared they would have to pay. It was a worse protest than the Antifa guys. Very violent. The rabbi just wanted to go to Israel. He was hoping for another free trip. Why everybody is going to Panama instead of Israel is another question we have to deal with here at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. A committee met to discuss this Panama vacation thing and how it affects tourism in Israel. It turns out Panama has two really good Kosher restaurants. That's enough for our community to spend 5k on a trip. When the committee discussed it, they concluded that 5k is not that much, as long as it's not a donation. They are starting a fundraiser committee. That’s the goal. They don’t want to do fundraising. They want to talk about it. Every organization always needs money. I don't understand it. I have never seen an organization that didn't need funds. No organization ever said, 'We had a great year. We do not need to do a fundraiser.' If I open a restaurant, I’m going to call it fundraiser and charge a lot. It will come with a Bingo place attached. I am leaving town next June. Vacationing the whole month of June. Every school has a fundraiser in June. Some camps called themselves schools just to have a June fundraiser. There was even a nursing home that called itself a school for older people and had a fundraiser. I can’t afford these dinners. For three-hundred dollars they've got to give more than a leg. Then they send these nasty ‘pay your dues’ letter. Like they expect it. Worst part about dues. Everybody in the shul thinks they have a say because they pay dues. Worst thing. Would rather nobody paid dues and everybody shut up. The announcement of not talking just because you paid dues had a bad backlash. People asked for their dues back. If you tell them they can't talk, why would they pay dues?! They pay the dues so they can feel good talking in shul. The rabbi took a twelve-minute break in the sermon to teach people how to wrap a Tallis. Women were standing in the ladies' section showing how keeping a shawl on the shoulders is not that hard. One even showed the clip concept for style or men with no shoulders. One guy was so proud of himself when he pulled out his Tallis clip from his Bar Mitzvah. Menachem gave a whole speech about how his uncle gave him the clip when he was going up for the Haftorah. It's painful watching them try to wrap their Tallis. Just throw it on. We're waiting. A lot of waiting. Nobody cares if it looks good. I have no idea how the folded look became a thing. Now we have to wait for men who can't even fold a sheet to place their clothing. The same men who do Mishebeyrachs. So how do we show up to classes if we don’t know where they are. That’s it. I’ve given up. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Nasso6/16/2024
Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils. Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.' We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel. Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares. Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise... (Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out. Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?... We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie. Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’ I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen... (Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues. It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours... This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went. It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer. You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul. Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up... Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had. You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days. You are ruining the shul community. Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves. The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel... If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots... Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion… Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this... We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews. Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious. Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants. The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community. They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.' The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm. Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.' The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people. The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.' It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him. This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to. Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run. These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up. Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’ A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem. I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages. When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi. After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp. Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We are hosting a lactose free Shavuot for all of those who find it hard to watch happy people who enjoy life and cheesecake. Strollers don’t belong right at the door in the back entrance of the shul. People have asked why we have to announce this. If you have to ask how oblivious one has to be to not notice they are blocking the doorway. If you look at the parents in our shul, you will understand. We all hate them. Yom Yerushalayim Music Tefillah didn’t draw people. It turns out that adding forty-five minutes to a five-minute service doesn't excite people. Next time we will do have prayers without song to make the services more enjoyable and meaningful. We want to apologize to Moishie for giving him Galila. Rolling the Torah scroll is for non-important Jews. We thought Moishie didn’t keep Shabbat. That’s our fault. We just found out he’s wealthy. We want to wish our support for all of our NY Rangers fans. The Jewish community is mourning the loss to the Florida Panthers. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 2:2) ‘Man by his flag, according to his signs according to his father’s house is how the children of Israel shall encamp...’ I am trying to figure out why I have to see Bernie. There is no Bernie family flag here... You don’t set up camp without hanging a flag. You don’t identify a people with laundry... A clean flag. That’s how you identify. You hang a clean flag. This isn’t the Felsenstein residence, with laundry on the front lawn. Identifying with... With an insignia. You need an insignia... Michael Felsenstein on an undershirt tag is not an insignia... (Bereishit 49:21) Naftali is pale red with a doe. You need the doe. A doe is a good insignia. Maybe with a jumping doe. I can belong to that. Without the female deer, Naftali can’t identify... Our shul’s insignia is a guy talking in the back left of the shul. Flags are important. Which is why I ask about the awning... No style. The color is white. What flag do you know that is white?! Plane white?! We don't even have the shul name on the awning... You bought it at Target. We don't identify as Target... Because we're not a bunch of snobs who like to pay an extra fifty cents for cottage cheese. Identity is important. People think they're showing up for a Clan meeting. They have no idea it's a shul. Through strong identity, the tribes come together at the Mikdash... The encamped around the Tabernacle with flags, because otherwise they would've had no idea where to set up tents. You can't even find the shul, Liz. They found you in the park next door, wandering... I know it's hard to find without an awning that says 'Shul.' A white awning doesn't help with identity, unless if you hate Jews... Pikudim for going out to war. Counting army age. We’re not counting for a pickup game... Identity. Signs of identity. Reminders of identity is the lesson... Your identity is not lactose intolerant... Intolerant. I believe the community identifies Sheryl as intolerant. Snobby. Turns her head. Says hello when she wants. We identify Sheryl as somebody nobody likes... How do you have a lactose free Shavuot? For one day a year, you learn to eat cheesecake for H’. You identify as a Jew and eat cheese... Strollers have to be moved. It’s like a stroller parking lot at the back entrance... The young parents identify as annoying people. Their sign is strollers. They set up camp at the entrance of the shul. The insignia should write 'Me'... Because that's all you think about. Are you unaware that there are other people in the shul that also need to get in???... That is a yes. You're parents and you're in your twenties. It seems like nobody wants more prayers. Nobody identifies with being in shul longer. A musical Hallel didn’t draw people for Yom Yerushalayim. It’s more meaningful without song... Because your singing is bad Sam. Nobody likes hearing you sing... Outside of services yes. With your guitar. But we're Davening. It's not a concert... Your guitar playing is OK. It drowns out your voice. If it was the Great Synagogue, OK. This is Topeka. Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Identify as good Jews. That’s why you get Galila and Hagba. They don’t trust you as Jews... Moishie. It's how you dress. Too dapper. That's why they have you rolling the Torah. Not getting called up for an Aliyah. You only get post Aliyah honors. After the important people go... Galila is for people you don't trust with an Aliyah. Don't know if they keep Shabbis... Same with opening the ark and Hagba. You get the guy to lift the Torah... Works out. Probably doesn't keep Mitzvahs. Too in shape. Do you identify as healthy or somebody who's Jewish?... It’s about being a good Jew. The New York Rangers are good Jews. They identify as Jewish. Ever since John Vanbiesbrouck they're Jewish... They're Ohavei Yisrael as they are the Rangers... Artemi Panarin is an Ohev Yisrael. He would've got an Aliyah... The Rangers have an insignia. That's why you bought their jersey. You identify with it. Nobody identifies with guys who won't stop talking in the back left... Exactly. They're annoying. Which is why I bring you the new shul jersey. Only thirty-five dollars... We do wish the Rangers a Mazel Tov on making it to the Conference Finals... Another tough loss, like the losing of the Shiva Siddurim. If anybody finds the mourners' prayerbooks... And that is why we have an Israeli flag in the shul. And Bernie is not Israeli... Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi was trying to get Bernie to never come to shul again. He used the flags of tribe encampment to list people in the shul who shouldn't come because there is no shul flag. Though we do have an Israeli flag in the shul, the rabbi said Bernie is not Israeli. Due to the sermon, the shul board went out and made a shul flag. It was a huge hat and Sadie yelling at Fran to move the thing so she could see the Chazin and hear the rabbi's sermon. Sadie does insist that Fran's hats are loud. Some suggested Michael Felsentein as the insignia, like it’s camp laundry. They thought they were classy buying the awning at Target. The rabbi killed the board's lactose free Shavuot party. The rabbi truly came down on people with stomach issues. It caused a big ruckus when Shaindel puked in the middle of the sermon due to Shavuot preparation. She hadn’t had dairy since she was five years old and ended up in the hospital due to the rabbi's insistence on her being more spiritual and connecting to Gd through cream cheese. I knocked over some strollers. Probably broke one. I did my part. Yom Yerushalayim everybody said Hallel and ran once the Chazin started singing. You know who’s a good Jew based on what honor they get. An Aliyah is fairly important. A good Jew gets Maftir or leads Davening. Somebody who reads the Torah could still be a bad Jew. It's just that nobody wants to prepare Torah reading. The rabbi would even give that to Bernie if he was willing to do read from the Torah. The rabbi would praise Bernie as the shul's best member if he Layned the Torah. Opening the ark on High Holidays is for good Jews too. Or Jews who pay for it. If anybody pays for opening the ark, they're also good Jews. Moishie is a heretic. He's too healthy to be a Tzadik. We had many people mourning the loss of the Rangers. Nobody mentioned the loss of Isaac Bergman this past week. A great man in our community who was at Minyin each day. He was a great Baal Tzedakah. Gave charity without end, to all organizations and individuals. Only brought joy to everybody he met. I believe the Rangers loss outshined his passing and going to Olam Haba. Most people didn't show up to his funeral, as they were still grieving the Rangers. Twelve people showed up to Isaac's funeral, eight of them wearing Rangers jerseys, in memory. I believe Isaac Bergman was an Islanders fan. I also believe he was actively giving to Tzedakah to around twenty organizations in the community, along with well over thirty individuals. At the funeral, the rabbi said, 'It was a shame he never did full Teshuva. Though, in his later years, Mr. Bergman became a more spiritual man with greater faith, he never did fully supported the Rangers.' The rabbi made it clear that New York Rangers players would get an Aliyah. The rabbi pulled out the shul jersey at the end of his sermon and said, pointed to the logo and said, 'This is the shul insignia.' I truthfully don't know if having a rabbi that's a sports fanatic is healthy for the congregation's spiritual wellbeing. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already. Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office. To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival. We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate. You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word. Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city. The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad. When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting... I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel. (Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt... After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something... You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei... It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie. It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach. Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot... The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy... Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel. We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul... Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that. You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul... LaAzazel. You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem. I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious... To Azazel Bert. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel. I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though. The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah. Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat. I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more. We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later. The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier. I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings. The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad. It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience. Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming. But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tazria4/14/2024
Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them. We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching. We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz. We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt. We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure... The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara... What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei? (Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.' If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section... That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup. (Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure. White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei. How do we separate. Separation done properly... Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis... You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night. I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation. If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise... Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling. A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids. It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder... Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation. The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach... There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool... We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be. The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win... You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about. And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice... Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham. Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.' The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading. I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant. Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint. The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey. Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety. The kids are loud at shul. I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi. They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy. Max does page ruffle too. He's loud. Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz. The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemini4/5/2024
Announcements
Please hold off on telling people you are in shul when you answer a call in shul. We all know you are answering the phone in shul. Our congregants are not friendly. If anybody fist bumps you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They’re trying to do Kiruv on you. If they smile or say ‘Shalom’ to you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They would not say 'Hello' to you if they knew you. We suggest you run from your home now. We’ve seen how not dirty some of you keep the shul. We do not believe that any of you will be able to make your home Kosher for Pesach. We ask people to sing Lecha Dodi with normal voices. We have no idea why everybody started singing in a high pitch harmony last Shabbat. Contemporary Halacha: This Tuesday Shiur on how to sing like a normal person and not Pinny, and how to clean your home for Pesach. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 9:22-24) Sfas Emes teaches that Aharon had a desire to bless the people after completing his first day of service... For some reason I have not felt that since becoming the Mora DAsra of this congregation... All you do is curse Max. Under your breath, you curse. We all know it’s a curse. When you say, ‘This piece of...’ It’s not a piece of a sacrifice... Nobody in our shul makes a decent piece of brisket. You're not requesting a dinner from our membership that can't cook. I have never been to a dinner at a congregant's home and felt a desire to bless... I still do Birkat Hamazon. (Vayikra 9:24) The people saw the fire that came down on the Altar and consume the elevation-offering and the fats. ‘The people saw and they sang joyous song and fell upon their faces.’ They were elated. Kind of like when Magic Johnson won the NBA title in 1987. And they sang good songs. There is nothing joyous about singing in this congregation... They had decent voices, Pinny. You can't serve Gd as a nation with really bad voices, cursing out everybody in the congregation... Because it's not joyous, Bernie. Even your singing sounds like a curse. It is a curse!!! When you sing, the last thing I want to do is bless... (Vayikra 10:1) Nadav and Avihu are killed for bringing an ‘alien fire’... Hearing the people of our shul sing is like a foreign sacrifice. Your singing is an unwanted service... This has nothing to do with illegal immigrants. Why you go there with every sermon I give now. Last time I was talking about cleaning for Pesach and you said I was offensive to illegal immigrants... I said nothing about immigration... You being on your phone is not what they would’ve done. You can't sing on the phone... Stop. You were on the phone. You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said, ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you had a conversation... Yes. We all heard. You were five times louder than you are when you say 'Amen.' You have more Kavanah answering your phone... I know it’s a phone. You don’t have to speak louder. Yelling doesn't help them hear you more five hundred miles away... You said, 'I am in shul right now.' You even said, 'I can't talk.' But you were talking. Exactly. And the rest of the congregation thought you were doing harmony... Because you sounded better than them... Serve H' correctly, with joy, without Bernie or Pinny singing, or Max talking on the phone, and people will want to join our congregation. People will want to praise H'. What’s with the fist bump? The kid is not going to be religious... Nobody serves H' with a fist bump. You don't pound it for Gd... You’re not cool. You’re fifty-six. We shake hands in shul. COVID ended... Stop. You’re the least friendly person I have ever met. And then you start giving fist bumps. People can see right through the fist. Stop pounding... Nothing brings togetherness here. Even the singing separates people here. It makes people not want to pray. And why all the high pitch singing... There is no melody. You’re harmonizing. The whole shul is like an amalgamation of the Bee Gees and Aaron Neville... His brothers sung melody. And please clean up the shul... Go away for Pesach. The dirt... I try to find some goodness. (Vayikra 10:3) Comforting Aharon Moshe tells him what H’ said: ‘I will be sanctified with those that are close to me. and I will be honored before the entire people.' How that comforted Aharon after his sons died. I don’t know. I do know that we should get rid of our congregants. That would sanctify H’. Rivka's Rundown Even when Max says ‘Hi’ it sounds like he’s cursing me. I might just be taking his Chuching the wrong way. He just talks on the phone in the middle of services, like it’s fine. Then he shushes people for talking. He thinks people don’t hear him on the other side of the phone. He talks so loud. It’s like he feels that since they’re on the other side of the country and really far, he has to yell. I think he has gotten to the point where he can't hear very well. That's why old people offend other people. They're thoughts are real loud, but they don't hear them. They think it's coming out in a thought and it's a loud yell with a Chuch for exclamation. Everything the rabbi says now is considered racist. He said we should have more fruit at Kiddish and people said that's against illegal aliens. I can’t believe the rabbi said COVID ended. That offended people more than the racism of saying people have to clean for Pesach. Truth is the fist bump is getting annoying. They pound people, thinking it's cool and that they will want to be Frum, because a a sixty-year-old with a long beard pounded. Some of the eighty-year-olds have no control. They end up hitting people. It’s amazing how strong they still are. I think the rabbi just wanted to not see congregants on Pesach. It had nothing to do with them having dirty homes. I don’t know what it is with the high pitch in our shul. They all think they're in Miami Boys Choir. I hear the singing and I start thinking about cursing. I am cursing under my breath. I can't wait till I get older and curse louder. I think the cleaning your home for Pesach is just an adjunct to the class. The Halach part is about how to sing like a normal person. That is truthfully what bothers the rabbi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Tzav4/1/2024
Announcements
Matzah orders must be in this week. It is only ninety dollars a pound. To note, we have checked and the government said that Matzah cannot be used as a tax write-off. Please be careful when backing up from your Amidah. We understand you are taking three steps back, but please look out for other members of the congregation. Cheryl got injured last week due to Samantha’s Kavanah and spiritual connection to Gd. The shul is planting trees in Israel, if you trust the Jewish National Fund to not steal your money. We ask our congregants to keep down the Bsamim cloves shaking when we’re not doing a musical Havdalah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Get Annoyed by Bernie. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara About Bernie Though He’s Annoying. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 6:21) ‘And an earthenware vessel that it was cooked in shall be broken. And if it was cooked in a copper vessel, that should be purged (in fire) and rinsed in water’... You should clean your plates anyways. They’re disgusting... It’s not Biblical to call it pottery. Earthenware is more Biblical. Gd commands Earthenware... It's stuff from earth. That's why it's called earthenware... It's not clothes. Mark said it's pottery... If it absorbs Holy blood from an offering, it is also not Kosher for you to eat from it. It must be Kashered, just as if it touched non-Kosher food. Like anything in your kitchen. Your kitchen is so Treif... If you touch it, it’s Treif. Michel. Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it... You can’t Kasher pottery... Earthenware is pottery. I don’t know why. But you have to break it... I have seen what you made in pottery class. It's horrible. That should be broken. You should’ve broke it before pig touched it... Pesach is coming. Break everything... We have to make stuff is Kosher. We’re going to have to have a class on Kashering. I hope you have enough time to purchase new utensils... A bunch of Apikorsim here. I just suggest you buy new kitchens. Then it might be Kosher for Pesach for a day... Then you buy new vessels. That’s what it takes to be Kosher. Money and eight sets of dishes. Three sinks, plus two for Passover. Extra meat funds. If you want to be Kosher... You can’t be cheap when it comes to your religion. Matzah is ninety dollars a pound. If it’s between day school and Matzah, you go with Matzah... Yes. The orders have to be in this week. You can't order the Matzah on Pesach... Because we are ordering it this week. The order has to be in when the order is done... If this congregation was a vessel, it broke... You break people. You injure them with your Davening. Your backing up from your prayer is dangerous. Did you pray for a Refuah? Did you pray for health?... Well you injured Cheryl. And thanks to Mark’s involvement in his prayer, Menachem was sent to the hospital... Your a dangerous Davener. And your Tallis is dangerous. You nailed Menachem in the eye before tackling him with your Amidah step-back... Let's try to build things as a congregation. To make this holy. We’re planting trees to celebrate life in Israel... It’s life. And I also don’t trust the JNF. They took fifteen dollars from my kid. Who takes money from a first grader?! You just bring me down... And Bernie, there is no need to shake the Bsamim that much... You don’t need to shake it for three minutes to get the smell out. You’re playing it like it’s a maraca... Why were you hitting your hand with it and tapping your feet???!!! I hope I can find a way to make this a Kosher Pesach Holiday. With none of my kids bringing him their pottery from school... It's bad.... It costs money to be Kosher. Dues cost money and you don't pay those... Yes. Bernie is annoying. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi uses his classes to get out his anger about Bernie. 'Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it.' Ouch!!! The sermon was about keeping Kosher and having Kosher dishes. I don't think it spoke to most of our congregants who went out to Wendy's later. I am just happy I have an excuse to not eat at their houses. I've been looking for excuses for years. I am buying machine Matzah. I can’t pay ninety dollars for somebody to rub their hands in my food. Many members got mad at the rabbi for telling them that orders have to be in before the shul order to Flat Rubbed Matzah has been made. They argued that as members they have a right to order Matzah anytime, and they should get it. They are dangerous Daveners. They pray and they attack you with their connection to H’. Tallis whipping must date back to Egypt. It hurts. It was a full tackle. I don't know how his step-back turned into a tackle. He actually stepped back, turned his body, lifted the guy and threw him. He said it was Kavanah. I think it was an excuse to hurt Michel. There is no way the JNF is planting trees with that money. I have seen what they do to the kids at Anshe Elementary. They take that money from the children and run with it. I have never met the JNF guy that plants trees. I have met the guy who takes money for trees. And who needs trees planted? Don't farmers do that? We’re at Havdalah and he’s playing La Cucaracha. Three minutes of Bernie playing the Bsamim. He thinks it’s an instrument. That class on Kashering vessels was the worst class ever. I have never seen so many people destroy their kitchens. The rabbi handed out sledge hammers at the end of class. With all the renovations that have to be done now, the shul will not see those dues paid. I don’t think purging should be taught to congregants who are bad with their hands. Most of the men in our congregation should not be touching anything called a tool, especially when there's fire attached. At least some of the homes are Kosher now. Kosher and without kitchens. The rabbi even said he'll eat at those homes without kitchens, as he trusts the Hashgacha at those places. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask the adults in our congregation to not dress up this year. The amount of makeup you use on a general Shabbis already scares the children. If you add any more makeup we will lose congregants. The Purim Carnival will include a Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. A communal request has been put out to not give your trash away in the Mishloach Manot. This includes Hamentashen made by you. Please only include bite size chocolate. The annual boutique sale fundraiser will take place this week. If you’re looking for gaudy hats, Mrs. Klein will be selling her collection.. Upcoming Classes: How to Not Look Scary During the Rest of the Year By Not Overusing Botox. How To Give Mishloach Manot That People Want. How to Not Miss Shul When It’s the Only Torah Reading You Have A Chiyuv to Hear. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Parshat Zachor. We have to remember to wipe out Amalek... You can’t even remember to turn on the heating in the shul... It’s freezing in here. The temp outside is 15. When everybody is wearing their winter coat in shul, there’s an issue... (Vayikra 1:17) The fowl, the cheapest offering, that which is from a bird is ‘an elevation offering, a fire offering, a satisfying aroma to Gd’... No. You can afford more. You are just cheap. The last donation you gave to the shul was a box of pasta you didn’t want. That’s supposed to be for the homeless... The shul is not homeless. You pay the rabbi a wage that is... The board is just too cheap to put on the heat... We're speaking of satisfying aromas to H'. Doing things that are pleasing to H'. Not the board. How is the cheapest still just as satisfying to H’? Rashi brings in the Gemaras and teaches us that no matter how much one brings, bug or small, ‘so long as his heart is directed to Heaven’... I would not say that Bernie has a heart. The president definitely... You are just cheap. Nothing to do with heart... You can’t even remember Heaven... It is still an elevation offering, and it is pleasing to H’. (Berachos 5b) There are three kinds of elevation offerings. Herd, flock and fowl. As long as one serves H’ according to their ability, it is accepted. ‘One who does more or less is the same, as long as the intent is for Heaven.’ You wouldn’t even remember if it was for Shamaim. I think we have to stop using 'spirituality' as an excuse to not give money. 'Spirituality' is not an excuse to not come to shul... The money raised by the board is not satisfying. I haven’t gotten a raise... Is it for H’? I haven't seen much money in the Tzedakah box... The fundraisers aren’t even Jewish. What does a boutique have to do with Judaism?... Then call it a thrift shop fundraiser. At least that sounds like charity, and me not being forced to purchase Mrs. Klein's oversized hats... Yes. Every fundraiser should be a Choolante sale. Not a satisfying aroma to H’. But Jewish. Mrs. Klein. Your hats are a bit too much... Rachel. I didn't even realize you were there. You were blocked by Mrs. Klein's fedora... The widest brimmed fedora I have ever seen without a feather. And no dressing up this Purim. Nobody does it for Gd.... Are you wearing a mask today Fran?... Then that is way too much makeup. You scare the kids. You scare me... With the makeup you're a foot closer to me... The makeup is not spiritual. You Mishloach Manot is not spiritual, and it is not for H'. I said it. It's your trash... Poppy seed Hamentashen. Exactly. Cheap and not satisfying.... Choolante in Mishloach Manot would at least be spiritual... We are looking for non-spiritual satisfying aromas to H'. Such as Nutella Hamentashen. The carnival was excellent. Especially the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. it was the first decent idea the board came up with. It was a satisfying spiritual experience to see Bernie get hit. Everybody was pleased by that. It was pleasing to H' to see Bernie get hit by a wet sponge... Rivka's Rundown I believe the fundraisers are there so people can feel not guilty about doing things that are Jewishly wrong. There was a Wednesday Night Binge Drinking for Gd, which seemed like an excuse to drink and wrong. Other fundraisers we had included casino night. And that wasn’t even on Chanukah. By the way, the fundraisers brought twelve dollars to the shul. People brought their own alcohol to the binge, and the casino night was all done with fake money. People could've given money to the shul. We're just a cheap congregation. Mrs. Klein is a bit much with her hats. I think she hit me with one of them last week. Didn't even apologize. I know Fran hit me with her makeup, because I had a mark on my face. It’s either makeup or Botox. Actually, it’s usually both together. A lot of it. I think our community would get along much better if we didn’t give each other Mishloach Manot. The gift baskets are a burden. When you see what they give you, it’s offensive. They think I need more bite size chocolate. If the wrapper doesn’t fully spell out Snickers, if I just get an ‘n’, I am not happy. The way people want Mishloach Manot class was taken to heart. People stopped giving it. Once they heard that anything other than bite size chocolate is not appreciated they all had to go back to Walmart with their Easter Bunnies. I would've rather had one of the Kosher Easter Bunnies. I think it's very important the rabbis give a Hashgacha to Easter. The chocolate is amazing. If all chickens hatched chocolate eggs, more kids would eat healthy. The rabbi was at the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth for two hours. He didn’t let any kids throw a sponge at Bernie. He said they didn’t have good enough arms. When asked why he was there all day throwing sponges, he said it was for Tzedakah. The spiritual excuse of not coming to shul and bad Hamentashen is very bothersome. It smells of something not pleasant. 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Sermons of Rebuke III: Pikudei3/17/2024
Announcements
We truly ask you all to not sing harmony anymore. You all sing different songs, and they all sound bad. Due to your singing, the rabbi, the Chazin, the Gabai, the membership, the guests of the Bar Mitzvah, the janitor and the secretary who doesn’t come on Shabbat, don’t want to be in shul. Our shul’s matchmakers are asking for Shidduch resumes. If you want to apply for a Shidduch call Mrs. Bergstein. She messed up my marriage. Volunteering for Israel Opportunities: Ten-thousand-dollar BBQ donations. Car rally carpool hosts. Lox for Chayal Breakfast Day. Snow Advisory is not an excuse for not coming to shul when there is no snow. Upcoming Classes: How to Not Sing in Shul. Writing a Shidduch Resume: How to Make Yourself Look Decent. How to Volunteer by Not Coming to Shul Ever Again. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s the last Parsha in Shemot... We will be reading the Torah next week too. It’s every week, Bernie. We finish and continue. That's tradition... (Shemot 39:2) ‘And he made...’ He did it correctly. He didn’t start making an artistic Ephod. This wasn’t Hillel Hebrew High art class... It’s important to do things right. Not like our board... Yes. I'm looking at the president. (39:21) ‘They attached the Breastplate (Chosen) from its rings to the rings of the Ephod with a cord... and the Chosen did not move from upon the Ephod, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ You don't construct like an idiot... Yes. I'm looking at the president who decided to do renovations on the sanctuary. When you build things right, they don’t move. They stay in one spot. The lectern has moved five times this sermon. Who puts a rabbi’s pulpit on wheels?... If you followed H’s commandments and didn’t do stupid stuff, the pulpit would be normal. You mess up everything... H’ did not command you to sing harmony... Then why do you sound so bad?... Etz Chaim Hee was never meant to be sung like that... It's bad. No singing is what I propose... You mess up every song. It’s not harmony. Definitely not melody. If you don't sing, you can't mess it up... We will start chanting everything... Who is asking for Shidduch Resumes... Who are Mark and Freida to be hiring people as husbands?!... I am against it. Not one of our members is qualified to work as a spouse. Applying for Shidduchs?! These people can’t get a job at Yossi’s Falafel stand. And Mrs. Bergstein has to stop getting involved. She ruins too many relationships... We're talking about doing things right, as Gd commanded. Gd did not command a whole community to get involved in Chaim's relationships... I know he doesn't have credentials for a job as husband... Your resume shows nothing Chaim. No references... It's about correct action. What have you done for Israel? War is happening. Did you take pictures in an orange grove? Did you pick stuff. A BBQ... Two hundred dollars does'nt make a BBQ people want to be at? Giving them hotdogs? The soldiers deserve better than donations from our congregants... What does H' want? People to be satisfied and blessed. You can't even do that right, with your chicken dogs. What Mitzvahs do you do right. Don’t even show to shul when there is no snow... An advisory??? Have you ever taken decent advice?... Then how did you get involved with Hermie?! His resume is off. (Shemot 39:2) They put the stones on the shoulders of the Ephod ‘stones of remembrance for Bnei Yisrael, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ When commandments are done right, they’re remembered. Nobody wants to remember the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes USefilah, who buy chicken dogs for Israeli soldiers... Chicken dogs are not good. This isn't the 1930s. They're going to war for us, Bernie. We need to give H' a reason to remember us for good. For doing Mitzvahs right. For not messing up the rabbi's pulpit. What is this? It just moved again. I have to lean on the thing and brace it the whole sermon... I bear the pain of the shul on my shoulders. It's very painful. Just hearing you sing. If things are done wrong, they will never be remembered. And that is why everybody wants to forget the board. I am trying to forget the singing. But it's too painful. It's stuck in my head. Bernie and Max's harmony is stuck in my head. Everywhere I go, I hear this awful noise. Like a wringing in my ear... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi summed up tradition beautifully when he told Bernie that tradition has nothing to do with Bernie. The lectern on wheels makes no sense. The thing moves. The small shtender by the rabbi's seat was also put on wheels. All of Davening the rabbi had to chase his shtender with his seat. He was sliding all over the shul. And they didn't put wheels on the rabbi's chair. Now the whole place is scuffed up. The board was rethinking where the rabbi speaks from. They had a meeting last week to re-discuss which way Mizrach is. The singing is painful. It hurts. Nothing is on tune. The chanting was even off tune. I believe the announcement was more against the members than their singing. I believe the message was that nobody wants to be in shul because of the presence of members. I am for Shidduch resumes. If a man is looking to marry me right now, it's a job. They've better have credentials to be my spouse. I put it out there. Only men with previous marriages. Interviews are also important. I interview them. Questions asked when applying for job of my spouse. Do you make a lot of money? What's your salary? That announcement was aimed at Mrs. Bergstein. She does get too involved. Come to think of it, she ruined my last marriage. And then she tried setting me up with somebody. She's a divorce chaser. She gets marriages broken, then she makes money off the Shidduch. By the way. You have to be a talented chef to get a job at Yossi's Falafel stand. And Chaim has no references because he hasn't been married. If you speak to Jill's reference, he hates her. They were married for twelve years and she wants full custody. I can’t afford the volunteer opportunities. It’s too expensive to volunteer in Israel nowadays. The Cars For Israel car rally carpool host concept was self-defeating. The idea of the rally was to have a lot of cars driving with Israeli flags and signs on them. People went eight in a car to save on gas and Israel had very little support. 120 people showed and there were only thirteen cars. And the cars were beeping as the cars in front were going too slow. I told our driver to not beep, as you're supposed to go slow at a rally. It sounded like the cars were counterprotesting themselves. I will try to volunteer more. Just what is Chayal Lox for Breakfast Day? How does that help the war effort? Snow advisory is the excuse all the time at shul. I don't know where our congregants are finding snow advisories in sixty-degree weather. Rabbi’s classes were great this week. The class on not singing was the rabbi telling people to stop singing. The rabbi took an hour gave one source which was his own quote, 'Don't sing in shul.' And then he pointed to each person and said, 'You. Don't sing.' And then he told them, that is education, and walked out in a very angry fit of rage. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYakhel3/10/2024
Announcements
Simcha candy fighting violence must stop. We are asking parents to stop their children from tackling younger kids. We ask that children be educated with the lesson that violence for a Sunkist fruit jelly is not what H’ wants. We also ask parents to not encourage their children to body slam other children who also like sweets. MMA education should not be brought to the Bima during Bar Mitzvah candy throwing. Felsenblum is looking for a car. Please sell him one. We’re all sick of hearing him talk about needing a car. We are going to start a weekly communal sway on Friday nights. We will sing Shalom Aleichem to arms on shoulders. We believe it will help with more crying during Davening. Upcoming Classes: How to Open an Aron and Cover a Torah Not Like A Yutz So That People Don’t Have to Wait Five Minutes. How to Not Get Violent When There is a Simcha Even if There is Food. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:21) ‘Every man whose heart inspire him came, and all whose spirit motivated him brought a portion to H’ for the work of the Tent of Meeting, and for all it’s labor and for the sacred garments.’ Inspired to give. To volunteer. Not our congregation. Our congregants don't help. They're inspired to do anything they can to not be useful... You've never helped anybody open a prefab table, Bernie... The first part of the Pasuk, VaYavohu ‘And they came,’ 'Every man whose heart inspired him came,' speaks of those who came to do the work of sewing and building, etc... Accountants were not useful Brian. Ramban teaches that they were ‘inspired’ as they did not learn craftsmanship in Egypt. This is not an excuse for the lack of talent and expertise in our congregation... You were not slaves in Topeka. There were the ones who spirit motivated them. According to Or HaChaim, they were not on the same level as those whose heart inspired them, as the heart inspired came from such a great desire. Kind of like the way the community quilt was put together by very untalented people of our membership. It’s just that H’ did not inspire them. It just goes to show how bad art can be when H' doesn't inspire you... You were inspired to mess it up. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah were people who did not have any decent craftsmanship or taste. No artistic abilities.... Betzalel was inspired by H'. The spirit of putting together a decent quilt was in him. What motivates you? What inspires you?... People ran from shul so they wouldn’t have to fast because of a guy who can’t carry a Torah. Not fasting inspires you... My desire is to not have to see congregants. Last week, people had to wait for the guy to figure out how to open the Aron... The guy couldn't figure out where the ark's string was... And now you get the Parochet cover stuck on the thing... 5 people are helping him figure out how to pull a cloth over a handle. This is why everybody ran from shul. The patheticness... What inspired them was not having to fast. We're inspired for different reasons, but we are inspired as a community. The swaying arm around the shoulders with Etz Chaim Hee had us all praying for a better day. A day in which some of our congregants would know how to treat a Torah... Inspire yourself to learn a little... I was part of the circle of love. I needed it. I'll admit it. I've been working with this very untalanted congregation for a very long time. A little swaying can touch the heart. Bring a little inspiration... Sometimes you need another man to touch your shoulders. To put your arms around his shoulders and sway... You were weeping. He touched your shoulder and you said, 'I haven't been touched in...' Moishie. Your desire is for candy... Your child tackled the other kids... Stop. You were involved. You put it in your Tallis bag... You had him load up your Tallis bag.... Other kids were crying. You yelled, ‘He has more candy. Take it’... Your kids are you hit men. Little uninspired Sunkist fruit gem mafia... You get violent at Kiddish too. The violence in our congregation has to stop... You taught your child MMA so he can get more fruit gems... I'm inspired to get Felsenblum a car... If anybody has a car, just give it to the guy. Nobody wants to hear about this car thing anymore. We understand buying a car is hassle. We've all got ripped off... Ever went for an oil change? They take your money... No. Mechanics are Rashas. All mechanics are Rashas. They're evil sinners. I never went to one and didn’t want to shoot somebody... Seeing the community quilt, I'm inspired. It helps me connect with our history. I see the quilt and I feel like a slave. A slave to bad art... Maybe we are still slaves just trying to get out of Egypt. As we learn on Pesach, 'Every generation we are obligated to see ourselves as if we left Egypt.' If I ever get a better job. If I ever get out of this shul... Rivka's Rundown Nobody helps with prefab tables. Our membership thinks they open themselves. Ever tried flipping one over by itself? You can kill your hands on the metal. I'm just happy we've got some of the new plastic prefabs. There has been less shul injury since. I think the rabbi said it when he said, ‘Inspired to give. To volunteer. not our congregation.’ That was the message. Nobody helps. The community quilt is quite ugly. It truly represents our community and lack of care for people with illness. I wouldn't say they were helping anybdy when they made it. It was a general illness quilt. Nobody could think about any individual they cared about, so they made a quilt and left it in the shul, for illness. Like a Mishebeyrach prayer that people should be sick It’s pathetic watching them work on the Torah. It's so not smooth. The men in our shul carrying the Torah is a nightmare. The guy couldn’t find the string to open the ark again. And then they ask him to hold the Torah. I run out now every week. I don't trust these people can hold the Torah right. The rabbi was truly touched by the Etz Chaim Hee swaying the other day. After the guy figured out how to open the ark, a sway of brotherly love began in the men's section. There is something about standing next to somebody and putting your arms on their shoulders or waist and swaying back and forth. It brings you together. It even melted the heart of our rabbi. People have been showing up for the swaying. People need the touch. They come in for Etz Chaim Hee and leave. I think the shul might be able to pick up membership if we focus on swaying more. Then we were swaying on the women’s side. There is something about the arm over shoulder connection. I think we all needed the Jewish love. I wanted to do Havdalah all week, just for the sway. People at work aren't open to swaying. I think if they sung Havdalah, they would be into it. The dad literally opened his Tallis bag, told his kids to put in the fruit jellies, and sent them back out, pointing at a tiny preschooler. He said, ‘Grab the candies from that one, and smack him. He's small.’ There is a lot of violence when it comes to Simchas. I think it’s built-up frustration amongst our day-schoolers. Even the way they whip the candy bags at the Chatan or Bar Mitzvah. With that much anger, even fruit gems can hurt. The rabbi gave a Psak this week that it's Asur (forbidden) to be a mechanic, because they steal from people. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tisa3/3/2024
Announcements
The new whiskey at Kiddish doesn't taste disgusting. We want to thank the Berkman family for bringing a whiskey that doesn’t make you want to puke. It’s a pleasure to drink alcohol that doesn't taste extremely bad. Rule: The rabbi has decided that only people strong enough to hold a Torah can hold a Torah. In addition, somebody who has no idea what to do with a Torah is not allowed to hold it. People are having heart attacks, thinking these people will drop the Torah and they’ll have to fast. No more Torah honors for people who come to shul once a year. It turns out they can't figure out how to open a curtain. No being louder than the Chazin. The congregation needs to know who to follow during Davening. We understand many people like to show off when they’re finishing the Shema. It’s just confusing. Classes This Week: How to Hold a Torah so People Don’t Have Heart Attacks. How to Drink Whiskey without Sounding Like an Idiot. How to Allow the Leader to Lead by Not Being Louder Than Him. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Chazin thought it was Revi’i... There are a lot of Psukim in the beginning of the Parsha there. I thought he was reading the Haftorah already. It was only Sheini... Two hundred Psukim... Then read faster. I’m falling asleep. Thought it was VaYakhel already... They stuffed two hundred Psukim in the beginning there because they don’t want the Yisraelim to feel bad about being involved in the golden calf. I felt bad having to hear the Ba'al Koreh reading the Torah for thirty minutes. And that was before Sheini. Almost as bad as the new bourbon they brought last week. You guys feel bad about nothing... You should feel bad about how annoying you are as congregants... Betzalel and Ahaliav didn’t build the golden calf. They were better builders than that... The Yisraelim get the third Aliyahs and on. Pay attention. You've been coming to shul since you were... Don’t ask me why Aharon made the calf... He didn't build it. But he did. But he didn't. He really didn't... But he did. (Shemot 32:4) The calf is fashioned and Aharon tells the nation ‘These are your gods...’ But he didn't tell them this is their lord. But he did... Rashi teaches that it does not say ‘our Gd.’ It’s yours. 'Your gods.' The Eruv Rav, mixed multitudes, got them to believe in this kind of god. Kind of like the board got you to think that honoring everybody with Hagbah is a good idea.... The guy almost dropped the Torah. And then redoing the sanctuary... Redoing the sanctuary is not a good idea. Rebecca is going to be doing it... Exactly. Bad idea. When she gets involved... I have no idea what 'mixed multitudes' means. It's the English translation. That's why we use it. I can tell you who the Eruv Rav is. But that's not English... It’s the gods that you make. And in our shul, it seems to be really ugly ones that are worshiped with bad alcohol. (32:22-24) Aharon justified it for the nation. You have no justification for the poor craftsmanship on the art in your kitchen. The back backsplash is pathetic. It's bathroom tile... I don’t know how Aharon justifies ‘I threw it in to the fire and this calf came out’... I think Moshe bought it. You should throw the backsplash in a fire. He blames it on the Eriv Rav (Rashi). He was hoping it would come out of the fire shapeless, and the sorcerers made a calf. A bunch of artists. Post-modern style. If he wanted shapeless art, he would've asked the youth of our congregation. The day school art fair is horrendous. Shapeless stuff. Ever seen the papier-mache? A bunch of shapeless idol worshipers... Your idols are what you focus on, and you focus on bad whiskey. You don’t even like the whiskey. It’s a Walkman... Walkmans are things people used to listen to music on. This is a Johnnie Walker takeoff... It’s a mutt and they didn’t even try to make it sound Irish... You like it because it didn’t make you puke. That’s it. It didn’t taste good... The Torah must be taken seriously. The Jews forgot how easily H' and the Torah can be taken for granted... The guy almost dropped the Torah... He's not Moshe. He doesn't pay dues. He wasn't mad the Jews were worshiping a Golden Calf. Holding a Torah is an honor?! The guy never shows up to shul. He has no idea how to hold the thing. Took it from the Parochet. He took it by the cloth... You can't hold anything like that. But he still took it like that. Like the Torah floats in a cloth... It's not a ghost. This isn't the Aron. Did he ever have a kid... Must’ve dropped her a lot.... I almost had a heart attack watching him. That’s why I wasn’t around when they returned it. I didn’t want to fast... The greatest worry in my life is having to diet. Pikuach Nefesh. I had to save my life. The Eruv Rav of Torah honors... You should've known. Last week, he couldn't even figure out how to get the Torah cover back on the thing. He was the worst Galilah. The bottom was caught on the top part of the wood for five minutes. Three people came to his aid... All they did was move the cloth over the wood plates. That's all it took... Nobody looks up to your Davening Shlomo. You took over the Davening. Nobody even knows you... You came to our shul and just took over... You were louder than the Chazin. It made no sense. Nobody knew who was leading. They even waited for you to finish the Shema... I’m the rabbi. That’s my one Kavod... I think you were drunk. I truly want to smack you when you’re drinking. The way you talk like you know what’s going on. Very annoying. 'The Walkmans whiskey has a very fine metal taste...' Metal barrels... The Eruv Rav drinks Evan Williams. (Shemot 32:11-13) Moshe has to pray on our behalf. He has to bring in Egypt and our forefathers. He has to bring up H' looking like he took us out of Egypt to punish the Jewish people and that looking bad to the non-Jewish nations. For this congregation, I would let it be. H' wants to destroy it. It's fine. I think the other people in Topeka would understand why H' destroyed our congregation... Who is the Eruv Rav?I It's not the rabbi who checks the Eruv before Shabbis. It's the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi actually said, 'Damn this Parsha is long.' Most of the congregants are still trying to figure out what the mixed multitudes are. We do have a very diverse congregation. The Torah reader, Baal Koreh, does read slow. We need a speed guy for these long Parshas. A guy that skips Psukim would be perfect. And then to have a Bar Mitzvah boy. This is pain. The rabbi was so mad, he skipped mentioning the Bar Mitzvah boy in his sermon. They didn't even mention the kid in the announcements. Why they let the Bar Mitzvah boy do an Aliyah, I think the Gabai is trying to start fights. He even asked one of the congregants that thinks he's a Chazin to lead the Musaf service. That was an extra twenty minutes right there. Any time a whiskey doesn’t taste disgusting, people are saying ‘Pshhh. That’s good.’ And then they get involved in discussions about how smokey the thing is. A bunch of pretentious fools, they think whiskey is made in fire. The Torah carrying was messed up. Get people who know how to carry it. It shouldn't be hard. It has handles. And yet, this guy still takes it by the cloth. Then to see the 4'3" Bar Mitzvah boy. The Torah is bigger than the kid. I think I suffered 12 heart attacks. Each step the boy took to the Bima, I had another heart attack. It's the thought of having to fast. That kills me. I believe this was the first time the whole congregation identified with the rabbi. The greatest worry in a Jew's life is not being able to eat. Dropping the Torah is another issue, not as bothersome to our membership as fasting. Our Gabai is truly picking the wrong people. Even the guy opening the ark can't figure out what's going on. He couldn't find the string to pull. He was trying to move the curtain from the top of it. The guy was jumping up to move it. I have no idea how these people get into a shower. I think the Gabai just likes seeing inept people work. That's why he joined the board last year. The Gabai should've know the guy would have no idea how to open the curtain, he had on the Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke. Anytime somebody is wearing the Kippah they give out at the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you know they have no idea what's going on in shul. He even had the Tallis thrown over his shoulders like a shawl. The art done by the kids in our shul is horrendous. And they still hang it in the shul. There should be a sign 'this is how art looks when you don't practice.' At least make a lesson out of it. And then Rebecca, she is so bad. She still thinks papier-mache looks good. Sixty years old and she thinks papier-mache looks decent. We have a papier-mache lion to the left of the ark. It looks like a pathetic Mardi Gras float that got stuck in front of the shul. And that is why idol worship is forbidden. This new Shlomo loud guy is running the shul now. If you're loud you run things. The Chazin is second fiddle to this guy. He's singing songs and the congregation is with him. The Chazin tried going on, and he looked pathetic. Almost as bad as the art at our shul. The Chazin just stopped. He gave up. He even walked over and gave Shlomo the Chazin Siddur. The big Siddur was in loud guy’s hands. He wasn’t even Ashkenazi. He was leading our Ashkenz shul from his seat in the fourth row, with a different Nusach. And everybody followed. The Chazin couldn’t compete. I think one guy screamed at the Chazin, ‘Get out of there. This guy is our leader.’ I’m happy the rabbi went off on Shlomo. He truly hijacked our shul. We would've been a Sefardic synagogue by Mincha if it wasn't for our rabbi. I'm not going to lie, I can't stand people who come to a shul and run stuff without knowing anything. Even the Kaddish guys that show up for the first time without knowing the shul's pace, and then they run it. Very bothersome. The rabbi should go off on mourners for being disgusting people more. I think the rabbi’s classes are truly there to just tell the community how annoying they are. The classes were perfect this week. The whiskey drinkers truly are annoying. ‘This is good. It doesn’t taste like ----.’ The class had a sequel ‘How to Not Sound Like a Pretentious ---- When Drinking a Cup of Wine.’ The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Tetzaveh2/25/2024
Announcements
We know our congregants like to complain. We just ask that the complaints make sense and follow a logical flow. You can’t tell a Baal Tefillah that they’re leading too fast, and then to tell them they’re leading too slow. No more tie-dye. We want to commend Mark on his new suit. It’s an Angeleno. He has been showing it to everybody at Kiddish. We ask our congregants stop buying husky suits. They look portly. We have a very portly congregation. We believe that if people buy athletic suits, they’ll look more athletic. They'll still be portly, but athletic. Athletic portly is what we're looking for in our congregants. Upcoming Class: How Not to Look Like an Idiot in Shul. The Gabai of our shul is bad. We know it. We apologize. We have no idea of how to get rid of him. It seems to be shul tradition to have a really bad Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 28:12) The stones with the names of the tribes on them were to be put on the Efod. ‘Aharon shall carry their names before H’ on both his shoulders for a remembrance.’ He did not carry them in his hands. He didn't do a juggling act with the stones... Then how would he do the service? He needed his hands... You don’t need your hands, because you don’t help. You don’t remember to help. And you can’t even do farmers carries with eight pounds... To remember. Wherever Aharon went in the Temple, he reminded H’ of us... You can’t even remember when the time of Minyin is. Your wife should walk around with ‘go to shul’ on her shoulders... Then you might show on time, Walter... For Aharon to remember as well. Though he couldn't see it... We have to constantly be reminded. At least Fran. You have to constantly remind her to take the choolante out of the oven... You burn it every week Fran. (28:29) The Urim and Tumim went into the breastplate... ‘Aharon shall carry the judgment of Bnei Yisrael on his heart. before H’, always.’ It was there, where judgment was to be decided, where the names of the tribes were also present as a remembrance... Justice needs to be near the heart. Compassion. If it wasn’t for the judge remembering Shloimy from racquetball, he would've gotten the parking ticket... (Sforno) Having the names of the tribes on his heart inspired the Kohen Gadol to pray for the nation. I have never been inspired to pray for the congregants of this shul. And we have a list of all the members who haven't paid their dues... Our Chazin is a letdown... You wouldn’t even know who you’re praying for. You forget... You have to be reminded. Constantly... Then write the names on your heart... Our Gabai is a letdown. Our Kohanim don’t even remember how to Duchin... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... Got to remind these guys. They space out. If you all wrote stuff down... Rashi (28:12) ‘That H’ should see the tribes written before Him, and He should remember their righteousness.’ If it was our congregation, H’ would remember your annoyingness, and... You just want to complain... You told him he was Davening too fast. Then told him he is Davening too slow... What’s a Chazin supposed to do?! New rule. Nobody can share their opinions. Everybody has one, and it’s a complaint... I tell the Chazin he is bad. I tell the Baal Tefilah that he shouldn't be leading because he is messed up. That is OK... I am not complaining. I am making the shul a place that children will want to remember and visit when they're older... A shul without this Chazin, Gabai and board... Complaining is not a reminder. Constant reminders are important. Constant reminders how to dress is also important. You look like idiots. Tie-dye has to stop. Or I am out of here... I can’t have congregants who don't even wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis... Saying ‘It’s a’ does not make it a good suit... What’s an 'Angeleno'?! Angeleno is the name of the company. It's not classy just because you stressed the last name of the company... Shimon is not husky. It’s the suit. If he bought an athletic suit, he would look athletic. The guys in our shul will never be in shape. We accept that. We just ask that they try to keep their suits in shape... It just looks better... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... No. You really are a bad Gabai... The fights between Mariv in Shmuel are because you don’t know how to give Kibudim. Your honor giving ability is off... And you shouldn’t be calling yourself... It’s not a fair amount to ask Yochanan once a month and Felvel twice a day. And yourself before them... You don't even end up asking them... Because you say yes to yourself... You’re a bad Gabai. Almost as bad as the board. Maybe if you remembered their names... That's why the wrong person comes up... So. You call up yourself because you can't remember their names?! Write it down... We have to be reminded daily. Every second the Gabai has to be reminded to be a not annoying person. We have to be reminded to be good Jews constantly... You should wear Tzitzis. Heretics in this place... You even forgot to say Tehillim for Israel. Who forgets... Rivka's Rundown You have to remind everybody in this congregation about everything. They're oblivious to anything that is not them getting an Aliyah. Eighty percent of our congregants forgot there was a war in Israel. Some of the people aren't even posting on social media anymore. But they get up there and get an Aliyah, and it's a half hour of them rattling off every name of every cousin that didn't move to Israel, for the Mishebeyrach. I think their Aliyah to the Torah is holier than people who moved to Israel. It's a messed up understanding of Aliyah. Due to the rabbi's sermon, many congregants thought it was a good idea to get tattoos. Once the rabbi let them know that it's Asur to get tattoos and you can't see tattoos that are on your back, the Gabai decided it wasn't necessary to tattoo the list of potential Aliyahs. They told him his Davening was too quick. And they told him his Davening took too long. How do your respond to that?! I am still trying to figure out how to respond to Felvel. You can't. The congregation is weak, and they don't help. They don't remember to help. Truth be told, you wouldn't want them to help. Watching them carry stuff and grunting. They help in complaint form. They help with a complaint grunt. And they are weak. They can't even carry the weights to the rack to lift them. The rabbi started Chumash carries in the shul. Just so people would start helping. He called it exercise. It worked for a week. Then people forgot to exercise. Due to the rabbi's new program. People stopped using Chumashes too. They forget to learn Torah. People truly remember nothing in our shul. Choolante is always burned. The Gabai forgets names. You need a second Gabai to remind him. Then the Duchining is messed up. The Kohens forget they're Kohens. I even saw one Kohen washing his own hands. Everybody in the congregation forgets. The rabbi is correct. He's the only one who remembers they forgot. Fran forgets. She denies it, but she forgets. She forgets that she forgets. She'll argue for days that she didn't forget that she forgot. Not a fun discussion. The other people forget that tie-dye went out of style in the '90s. 'No more tie-dye' is an actual rule. They kicked three people out of shul on Shabbat, just for having a shirt that had more than one color. It was said that they were too close to tie-dye. It was a Geoffrey Beene. I would hope our congregants had more class than that. It turns out, they put the shirt in a wash with colored laundry. Tie-dye has to stop. What happened to the white shirt and black pants look?! That seemed to work for Jews on Shabbis for many century. And then Mark has his Angeleno. What happened to decent suits?! Why do they need to add the names when they talk about their suits? Because they're ugly as sin. I think the guys at shul are easily sold to. When the suit guy pats the shoulders, they buy it. It's hard to say no to that. Anytime somebody pats the shoulders the clothes feel good. That's why so many girls in the '80s were wearing shoulder pads. Rabbi is correct, you look like the suit you wear. If you wear a portly, you look portly. The class focused on clothes. The rabbi contended that if you dress in non-Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, you will look like an idiot. He then went on to explain how you wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, because it's Shabbis. To quote: 'You wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis because it's Shabbis. That's why they are called Shabbis clothes. It's Shabbis.' Calling the suit by the last name with an 'a' has really made the suits look better. The fat guys in shul are looking really in shape now, thanks to the huge athletic suits they've been buying. Size 66 athletic suits. Hickey Freeman should be advertising these oversized athletic fit suits. 'The athletic suits that swim in your shoulders and fit just right around your portly belly.' Putting portly in there will help reach our shul's membership clientele. I have seen many out of shape Jews that look good. As Frum Jews we focus on our clothes, not our bodies. Every fight in shul is based on what the Gabai does. He doesn't ask the right people to Daven and a war starts. The rabbi telling the Gabai that he’s almost as bad as the board is hurtful. The rabbi once told a board member, 'You're on the board.' He usually doesn't curse people like that. I don't know what got him so mad. That comment, telling the board member he's on the board, led to a fisticuffs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Terumah2/18/2024
Announcements
We have begun the new members campaign. In order to draw people to our community, we are going to get rid of our congregants. We realize that the problem with the shul is the members. We’re asking you not kick people out of every seat. The Makom Kavuahs are out of control. When somebody leaves our town, they relinquish their Makom Kavuah. To be clear: Felsenblum, who made Aliyah eight years ago, does not still have a Makom Kavuah. We respect people who made Aliyah. Shlomo is running for town board. Please put aside everything you know about him. We want him to have a fair chance at election. Upcoming Classes: How to Sit Quietly in Shul. How to Have People Like You. How to Not Annoy the Rabbi. How to Not Be Annoying to Potential Members. How to Not Tell Jokes That Chase People Away From Kiddish. How to Be Somebody People Want to Daven With. How To Pay Your Rabbi a Decent Salary. We ask members say the words of Tefillahs. Mumbling is out of control. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Temple tells you what gifts to give... No. It wouldn’t want your post-modern artwork. Nobody asked you to donate the sheet to the chapel. How the tie-dye fits into the chapel... Is the chapel's theme ‘lack of belief in Gd’? Then it would make sense the Pinkowitz family gave it tye-die... H' tells us how to make the Keruvim as well... There is a reason. I have seen the artwork of the children in our community. (25:18-20) The Keruvim have spread wings... Rashi teaches that they have to be spread up high. You would have them flapping down. Chilling with tie-dye shirts... H’ has to coach you on everything. Yes. If He didn't, we would end up with crayon drawings that make my fridge look bad... (25:21) ‘And the ark cover (Kaporet) goes on the ark, from above.’ Why H' has to spell this out... 'Ark cover.' It’s a cover. COVER!!! The board would’ve have had a meeting and covered it from below. Like a fool... Covers go on top. They’re covers. They cover things. Not like your shirt. This tie-dye thing... Are we living in the 80s? When did tie-dye become a thing in our shul? Legalization of marijuana... The car cover makes no sense... It's your only car. When it's covered you can't drive it. You have to uncover it to drive... That's why you're late for Minyin all the time. Let me coach you on some rules we have to follow for success in our shul... The congregants are annoying. The only way to get new members is to not have you guys here. No tie-dye. As we look at Shlomo's shirt, we know how ugly it is. And don't talk about Shlomo, it's not fair to his campaign. If anybody knows what we know about Shlomo it would be considered a smear campaign... I’ve seen him walking around in his tie-dye. Grateful Dead fan... No Makom Kavuahs. If everybody keeps up these permanent lifetime seats, we’re going to have no open seats in the shul. There’ll be 250 empty taken seats... Afterlife is not considered part of the lifetime plan. Just pay your dues for once... You kicked them out of every seat. One seat at a time. They went to the next seat and you kicked them out of there... You could've showed them an open seat. But you just kicked them out... Nobody was sitting there. We didn’t even have a Minyin. You can’t kick them out of every seat... Felsenblum hasn’t been here in eight years. It’s not his Makom Kavuah anymore... I understand you like extra arm space. But you have a chair with a watch on it. Does a watch need a chair??? You kicked out this guy... He was visiting. You told him the seat is taken and you put your watch on it. We need new members. That's why it's a 'new members campaign.' There is no apostrophe 's' in members. It doesn't belong to new people joining the shul. It is to get new people to take your spots... Your spots as members. So that the shul could have a membership the rabbi likes... If members showed up, maybe. They don't come to shul, and they still have seats... Even then, you don’t just kick out a new guy from everywhere. You didn’t even say anything. you just moved your finger at him... It’s threatening. I’m scared. Everybody should show up to the classes this week. Especially Bernie. How to Sit Quietly in Shul should be attended by the back left. No more mumbling the Davening. Gd thinks our whole congregation doesn't know how to annunciate. Other than when they're kicking somebody out of a seat... You mumble. There is no way you are saying anything... It's about covering stuff correctly, with Kavod. Treating the congregation right, with Kavod... Cover yourself when you sneeze. Rivka's Rundown It makes sense. Get rid of the old membership and new people might want to come to our shul, to be part of the community. Get rid of all of the members and tie-dye. I have seen the artwork in the rabbi's house. His kids are bad with Crayola. He has a right to be mad at his preschoolers. He has the ugliest fridge in the community. I think the rabbi was mad about the tie-dye and the lack of dress it has brought to the shul. When he was talking about covering the Aron, he was truly telling the congregants to cover themselves. I believe that’s why he stressed ‘Cover.' I am just happy he didn't talk about how we have to treat our bodies like a Temple and cover them. That would've been another twenty minutes on the sermon. He’s a seat kicker outer goon. He sees people come in and he just kicks them out. Just a selfish congregation. They never learned about Hachnasat Orchim. He kicked the guy out of the seat and put his watch on it, I have to say, it was cool to see Yankel kick these people out of every seat. One guy got rid of his membership, and Yankel still told the visitors the seat is taken. He kicked them out of the guy’s seat because he sat there eight years ago. And he’s doing it with his finger. He’s our enforcer. Yankel the enforcer. If I ever need a seat on a bus, I’m getting Yankel. The classes are just the rabbi’s complaints about Bernie. It’s a lot of mumbling. Pinny mumbles when you talk to him. Sometimes I think he’s praying when I ask him how he’s doing at Kiddish. We know too much about Shlomo. Even his Davening is annoying. I am not going to vote for him. He mumbles too loudly. It's annoying. If nobody understands his campaign speeches I will try to help and explain to people, 'Because he Davens.' It was tie-dye. Not a joke. Our chapel has tie-dye in it. We are not a remodern shul or whatever you call it. We are not any of the ‘re’s. The new members campaign was not successful. The membership was involved trying to get new members. Hence, we couldn't get rid of the old ones. It's a vicious cycle of the same members in our shul. The rabbi made it clear that he appreciates those who made Aliyah and moved to Israel, as he doesn't have to see them. He is the first rabbi I have ever met who started an anti-Zionist Aliyah campaign. His goal is to send all Jews of Congregation Anshei Beis Emes uSefilah to Israel, away from his community, to make it harder on Israel. To quote: 'I have dealt with them on the board. Good luck... Jewish Agency representative, please note, these people should never vote on anything. They have been on committees... They ruined my shul.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Mishpatim2/12/2024
Announcements
We apologize for our Gabai who likes to lead services. We’re now stuck with having to hear Moishie every Shacharit. We have no choice. He chooses himself to lead. We need ads for our Bulletin. It looks very not Jewish to have no ads. The shul is so out of shape. We saw a group picture from Tu BShvat. We thought the congregation should know how bad they look. We commend the Finkel Mishpacha for kicking the new members out of your seat. It shows gall and a courage that only a good Jew would have. Nobody else would show up at the end of services and tell other people they are wrong. Please be quieter when disciplining your kids. Many congregants are now worried they are doing something wrong due to very loud shushes. Shul learning program will be attended by four people. That’s it. We know. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mishpatim. Laws. We follow them... People who are not members of our shul follow them. There are rules. This isn’t one of our weekday Minyins where people do whatever they want... You can’t just lead because you feel like it. You can’t become Gabai to pick yourself every time... Yes. I feel like a slave to this shul. You should let me go... You have injured my soul. Serving this congregation has done damage to my Nishama. (Shemot 21:20) ‘If a man strikes his slave or maidservant with a rod and he shall die under his hand, he shall surely be avenged’... Will this shul ever be avenged for the death of the soul they have caused me... My slavery to this congregation... It’s a matter of where you fight. You have to be aware of your surroundings. (21:22) ‘If men fight and they hit a pregnant woman and she miscarries... he shall surely be punished...’ Why are you fighting in a nursery school?... The fight at Lamaze... Uncalled for... You must take responsibility. This isn't your dues, Simcha. It's about being held accountable. Culpable... Not cupable. I understand the Kiddish Dixie cups are not cupable. I am with you 100% Bernie. You can't drink out of those things. Tiny... (21:23-37) You pay Damages... You don’t let your ox go out and gore people. You don’t leave holes out in the middle of the street... Yes. the county should be sued for the potholes.... It's about rules and safety. And accountability. (22:1-3) If he’s tunneling into your house and he’s killed, that’s fine... We’re not talking about Chabad kids trying to get to a Mikvah... All slaves to people who don't want to work. People who don't want to try. People who take no responsibility. Is it even a Jewish bulletin? All Jewish printed form has ads. Mishpacha Magazine has no articles. Just ads... Because it's Jewish. That's how Jewish magazines are written. Ad form... Yes. That’s an announcement. You should know you’re out of shape. Accountability... You think I have a good metabolism. I'm Jewish. You treat people like slaves. It was the guy’s first Shabbis in the shul... You didn’t even wish him a Shabbat Shalom or a Hello. You just told him to get out... I don’t care how often you sit there. You sit there three minutes a Shabbis. You showed up two hours late. It was almost Kiddish... You say 'Shabbat Shalom.' And you wonder why your kids are nasty... You discipline your kids and the whole congregation thinks they did something wrong... Your kids are still talking and yelling at each other. Pulling hair. Your shush is so loud... Even Finkel doesn’t shush that loud to people sitting in his seat... Even Bernie stopped talking. That’s how scary your shush was... Take responsibility for your Shushes. Fran lost her hearing from it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi considers it slavery to have to answer questions from Fran and Ethel. To see Bernie kills his soul. Our congregants get in fights everywhere. I think the fight at Lamaze happened when Michel asked Shloimy if his wife was pregnant. Shloimy said, 'How dare you say that.' The potholes are real bad. Somebody has to redo the shul parking lot. The fact that the board is blaming the city for that has many of us questioning. The Gabai just gets up and leads. Nobody can protest, as they’re not the Gabai. He even gives himself the Aliyahs to the Torah. He calls himself up. 'Ani Ben Abba Sheli.' You protest, the Gabai asks, 'Do you want to do it?' And then people let hm lead everything. He's like the Pinzkowitz kids and their Anim Zemirot. The part of the sermon that spoke most to me was the taking responsibility lesson, and the Kiddish cups not being cupable. It’s true. Only ads. The whole magazine is ads. Every Jewish paper and magazine just has ads. Except our bulletin. I think we should advertise who paid dues. There would be at least one ad. I know the Simchovitz family paid dues. They're a bunch of fools. We're the most out of shape congregation. Habgah is pathetic. We have to have two congregants lift the Torah together. That's how weak we've become. Finkel just walked over to the guy and said, ‘Get out. My seat.’ The guy had never been to our congregation. He and his kids just took the only open seats. They didn't know it was Finkel. Rest of Davening they just stood in back. That's how they were welcomed to our shul. Standing in the back in protest. Kicked out and standing in the back. Thanks to Finkel, I don't think we've had a new member in three years. I respect Finkel’s ability to kick people out of his seat. No name on it. I don’t even think Finkel pays dues. The courage of Finkel. It’s an example. These parents are so threatening with their looks and shushes. I got scared with the shush. I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I wasn’t even talking. I felt like the twenty-two-year-old was parenting me. I was so afraid of making noise, I stayed seated the rest of Davening, and I started eating green beans. 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My friend donated to FIDF. He must be very mad at the Israeli army. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? FIDF is Friends of the IDF. I mistook that for F-IDF. FIDF supports the Israeli defense forces. If he‘d have said he was giving money to F the IDF, that‘d be different. They said I have to do Kiddish BMakom Seudah. But I wanted the meal too. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? That means to make Kiddish in the place you are eating the meal. BMakom means 'in the place of.' I thought they meant to make Kiddish instead of the Seudah. Nothing like a bilingual pun. Midrash teaches Paroh was short. But how do we know he was 12 inches tall? He was the ruler of Mitzrayim. (Mordechai) You get it? A ruler. 12 inch measuring stick. Ruler. Paroh was a ruler. The ruler pun is a classic. It is so versatile. Always tickles the funny. The IDF wanted reserves, but they got puffed pastries. They asked for Miliumniks. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Milui means fill. Miluimnikim sounds like puffed hors d'oeuvres (Mimulaim). It almost sounds like Mimulaim. Enough so. I am sure somebody thinks they sound a bit the same. There must be somebody. Nobody would be fighting if pigs in blankets were being served. Sometimes, a good pun is there to teach you another language. This pun should be required reading in Ulpan. The eighth plague was the least expensive one. It was locust. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? If someone with poor speech patterns says it, this pun works. Say locust very slow with improper speech and it sounds like ‘low cost.‘ Though, emphasis has to be on 'cust.' It's not LOcust but loCOst. That's how you have to say it. We will be putting out guides on how to pronounce puns correctly. He was sitting at the Seder on Tu Bshvat alone. Sarah, said he should have a date. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A date is a fruit. It’s also a date, like going out with somebody. Everybody does this pun. It’s tradition. We’ll do the date puns too. Just wait till Rosh Hashana. We'll use them then too. Even if it means having to add another Siman that has nothing to offer in Hebrew, we will do it for the sake of the pun. We are committed to Mitzvahs. Jews said the new statue at the stadium was forbidden, as it was standing idle. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Idol and idle. Idols stand idle. They don‘t move. They‘re also forbidden. As we learn in the Parsha, there's only one Gd. Gd doesn't stand idle. In order to understand this pun, you must know Jewish philosophy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Yitro2/5/2024
Announcements
We are asking people to put away their Siddurs. It appears that congregants are good at taking the Siddurim and Sefarim off the shelves. They are just not good at putting them back. Members have asked, and the rabbi has given the Psak that a chair cannot double as a bookshelf. We want to apologize for some of the messed up names in our congregation. Betzalel Zalman makes no sense. It sounds off. Zalman Betzalel would sound better. And we apologize for that. We also apologize for Bracha Faiga. Hector Schwartz also makes no sense. We’re sorry. This Shabbat is the Schulman Bar Mitzvah. If you want an Aliyah don’t show up. Last Bar Mitzvah refused to celebrate Merv’s Ninetieth. Celebrating Birthdays last week are Kim, Sharon, Mark, Bill and Yankel. Fred and Marcie are also celebrating their anniversary three weeks ago. We are celebrating the Yahrzeit of Shmiel Simchovitz this week. Nobody liked him. There will be schnapps served. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 18:9) ‘vYached Yitro.’ Yitro rejoiced. Yachad, same word as one. He was one with the good H’ did, rescuing the Jews from Mitzrayim. He connected. You are happy when you connect. When you see something good, you rejoice and connect. Nobody has ever connected with our shul board... When you come into a shul where nobody says Hi, nobody connects. So Yitro is now part of our people... Because he rejoiced. He was a pleasure to be around. Unlike Betzalel Zalman. Zalman should be first. With a name like that, Zalman Betzalel. And Hector. Change your first or last name... I don't know. It just doesn't seem to fit. What can we rejoice in? Bernie didn't make it to shul this Shabbis. What do you rejoice in? Definitely not Mitzvot. Definitely not coming to shul on time. Nobody is rejoicing with Zalman and is offbeat singing... Yes. I am judging. It's bad. Almost as bad as putting Betzalel before Zalman. (18:13) Moshe is judging the people alone... Because he had no help. Have you ever seen anybody in this shul help? Have you ever seen a board member lift a hand? Have you ever seen the Gabai not talking? (18:14) Yitro asks him why he does this all alone. Like any father-in-law, he lets the son-in-law know he’s doing nothing right... He doesn’t know that nobody in his congregation volunteers. Yitro is the leader of a people who know how to use tools... Maybe the Jews back then knew how to use tools. I can tell you, they weren't members of this congregation. Michael can't even build a prefab bookcase... Our janitor has problems putting together the prefab tables. He can't figure out how to get the rings to slide down... (18:17) Yitro tells Moshe, ‘The thing you do is not good.’ I have been telling that to the board for years. But nobody listens to me. Yitro then tells Moshe to have other people, leaders, judge the people as well. How many times have I told this congregation to be more judgmental?! I'm not the only one who sees how annoying the back left section of the shul is... (18:23) If they help you in this judging ‘you will be able to last, and also the nation will arrive at its destination in peace.’ If people helped every once in a while, and I didn’t have to do everything alone, I would maybe want to be here... If you all put away your Siddurs every once in a while, the shul would be at peace. If you all weren't so annoying... I can’t do everything alone. It is getting hard having to sit day and night, listening to you people. Very hard. Painful. Especially Felvel... Be happy you're married. I have to hear about the kids. We all know they're an issue. We see them in shul... 'My back. The cousins are coming. I need to shovel...' Get a doctor... Help. At least do something... Last time I asked for help, you brought in a cleaning service... I was asking for help with youth groups. I can't give sermons and lead this community while running youth groups... What where they going to do? Clean the kids with a vacuum?! It’s about everybody participating in a positive way. Doing your jobs correctly... If you were able to hold a job down Marcie, you would pay dues... Yes. Paying dues is a help. It at least helps me feel like I am here for a reason... To get paid. Listening to this congregation is not what a Jewish boy should do. We're talking about helping. About doing your job as a Jew. You can’t even put away your Siddurim correctly. Pinchas has to put them away for you. He’s the only one who was educated to clean up after himself... You take the Sefarim off the shelves. You’re good at taking. Then you’re good at leaving it for somebody else... I get it. There are a lot of issues that need dealing with, because the board is full of a bunch of idiots. Why can’t you announce anything on time?... Birthday announcements for last week?! They passed. You should announce 'stuff you missed because we don't help...' People wished an ‘I’m sorry I forgot your birthday’... Who remembers birthdays? We have announcements to let us know we’re supposed to say we care. And then Tu BShvat was a week late. Nothing is on time... This is why nobody is ever in shul when we start. It's your announcements. Speaking about birthdays, I believe our shul likes Yahrtzeits more... It's about not having to do everything yourself. It's about sharing responsibility... Even during a Simcha you can share the Bima... What are you going to do when the Pintzkowitz kids run up for Anim Zemirot... Are you sure your cousins can take them down, along with Mr. Harvey Pintzkowitz... I know he’s up there too. I don't know if the third graders can take down Mr. Pintzkowitz... We do want to wish the Schulmans a Mazel Tov. We hope the Gabai has an easier time than he did last month with the Schwartz’s cousins. Calling up Mateo, Santiago and Alvaro Ben Eduardo was not easy. At least Yankel is a Jewish name. Yankel Ben Rodriguez... I don't know why his Jewish name is a Cental American last name. And I don't know why it's not Zalman Betzalel. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said that working at this shul is not for a Jew. I have to agree. No Jew should feel required to show up to Davening on time. The rabbi was branded a racist for telling Hector his name didn't fit. And the rabbi responded with, 'Shaindel Heimowitz. Your name doesn't make sense either.' The names in our shul make no sense. You never put a Zalman as a middle name. And Mark Yankel Smith. Something is wrong with our membership. Hector Schwartz. No Hebrew names in that family. Hector Ben Mateo Ben Julio. Ben is the only Hebrew part of these people's names. They don't even try. The family is South African. I don't know how they got those names. Nobody cleans up after themselves. Pinchas is sick of putting away the Siddurim. He is now putting them back in spite. He curses while he's putting them back. Some people kiss a Siddur when putting it away, Pinchas is saying 'Bernie that piece...' Seeing the birthday names, I am starting to feel like I’m at a Baptist shul. Does anybody in our shul have a Jewish name. Even Betzalel comes off as not Jewish when our Gabai calls him up. A midwestern accent was not made for Jews. They decided to start announcing birthdays late. I think it has something to do with not wanting to buy cake for the members anymore. The board decided that nobody likes birthday cake. We now get babka every week for Kiddish and everybody is happy. The rabbi is correct. Nobody cares about the birthdays. We need a warning to be able to pretend like we remembered. Now we have to wish an excuse, with stuff like, 'I was thinking about you... I messed up the date... No. I showed up for my doctor's appointment on the second, on the day of your birthday. But I forgot what date it was.' The congregants appreciate the Yahrzeits more. They like celebrating when people die more than when they have to see them at Kiddish. At Shmiel Simchovitz's Yahrzeit they handed out Yahrzeit candles for people to drink out of. It's turned into a tradition. I think I have a set of Shmiel Yahrzeit glasses. In our community it's trendy. When people have a Simcha they never share any of the honors. I think they’re worried their relatives will have to deal with listening the rest of the congregation. We all know how painful that is. So, they have their family do all of the Aliyahs and their families lead the services. This way they don't have to justify the heretics to their cousins. I thought the lesson Yitro was telling Moshe was to involve other people, then they will join and all will be better. I like the rabbi’s take though. It is our congregation's fault. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Bo1/21/2024
Announcements
Rabbi Mendelchem will remain with our congregation. He went on some job interviews for other congregations this past week and noticed that their congregants are just as annoying as ours. The board would like to apologize for the rabbi’s beard. When he was hired it was much longer. We thought we were hiring a rabbi with four chin inches. We thought he was holy. Now we question him as our spiritual leader. We will be taking the rabbi's beard length to Beit Din for faulty sale. Aspirations are important. Our board aspires to find a new rabbi. No more new tunes for Lecha Dodi. Binyamin thinks he’s educating the congregation. It’s just annoying. Everybody likes the traditional Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune... And no more excitement from the Baal Tefillah. Excitement seems to manifest itself with loud table banging and shocked people with bad hearts. Our members don’t take well to excitement. Especially the older members. We’re asking members to greet each other. Hellos might help members feel wanted. Nobody in our shul is cool enough to avoid saying ‘Hello.’ Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... When it comes to worrying you run. You love to worry. When something goes wrong and you have something to worry about, that makes your day... Don't lie Fran. You love to worry. Almost as much as complaining... The best thing that happened to you is your car got stolen. That’s all you talked about for the next month. You run to insurance. You beg them to give you money. You worry about your money and will do anything for it. Like Paroh. When it comes to loss of land, Paroh rushes. Paroh is all of the sudden religious... You shouldn’t have bought a Kia. It's a plague. The locusts are in the fields killing the vegetation that ‘the hail left,’ (Shemot 10:16) ‘And Paroh rushes to call Moshe and Aharon, and he said, “I have sinned to H.”’ He became religious for a moment because he was worried. He worried about his money. The same way you worry about the Forte. The same way the board became religious when I asked for a raise. ‘But we are here serving Gd.’ You were here not giving me a raise. Sforno teaches that Paroh hurried because he was worried about permanent damage to the vegetation. He was worried about Egypt's ability to produce. Money... If you guys worried about the shul lawn, it wouldn’t be full of weeds... (10:18-20) The locusts are hurled towards the sea and Paroh’s heart is hardened by H’ and he doesn’t send out the Jews. When the monetary worry is gone, you have no reason to be religious or kind anymore. The board decided to not give me a raise, and they didn’t show up to shul today. A bunch of Parohs. They stop praying... If you all rushed for your spiritual needs. If you all rushed to wash Netilat Yadaim... The way you run, Bernie, somebody would get hurt. When it comes to money, you rush. When was the last time your ran to shul?When was the last time you said, 'Maybe they need me for a Minyin. I should head to Walmart to pick up some groceries'?... You rush out of shul, and I don't blame you. You want to run away from conversations with Felvel and Cindy Shprintza Leah... No. Don’t take credit for be annoying. The other shuls have annoying members. You are still annoying. You still have me questioning if it’s worth it to be Jewish if you have to be part of this congregation. You need a spiritual leader to ensure you understand to not be annoying. To understand your spiritual needs are just as important as your money. Which is why you should give your rabbi a raise... This is a legitimate beard. I measured it and it’s three inches from the chin. That is long. That is holy... By American standards that is holy... We are not in Israel. In Israel it's five inches from chin... You have aspirations to get a good job that makes money, and you run to that. Be a decent person. How about that for an aspiration? Do a decent Tu BShvat Seder. How about that for an aspiration? Don't bother your rabbi. How about that... You can’t even achieve that. Not one aspiration to do good for people and connect with H’. My beard was an aspiration at some point. Then I decided to aspire to be closer to Gd... Yes. You do need a beard for that... What spiritual aspirations do you have? You should run to achieve spiritual aspirations. You should run to not be like Bernie. You run to do good things. 'Zerizim Makdimin LMitzvot'... How should I know what that means?! The guy runs up to take the Amud and lead us in Davening... Has to be the Chazin. Runs to show off these new tunes... Nobody cares. Who are you Chezy?! Trying to educate us with your aspirations to be a Chazin... No. We don't want it. We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week. Another new tune for Kabalat Shabbat. 'Lecha Dodi.' That's the song. Now we have to sit through a guy who thinks he's educating us.... And your table hitting and jumping doesn’t help. You’re not an athlete. You don’t need to jump in shul. It’s not a basketball game... That’s not dancing. That’s jumping... That wasn’t a beat. You were hitting the table. Nobody in this shul is that holy, where they should be teaching other Jewish stuff... My beard is holy. Run to grow a beard and you might become more spiritual. You might start thinking less about your money... A raise is not money. A raise is to connect to Gd. Higher. Raise. You greet people. You run to greet people... No. It’s not cool to not say hi. It’s just uncomfortable to be here... I don’t like being the rabbi. The most exciting thing I can do in this shul is grow my beard. If you worry more about doing Mitzvahs and not your money. If you worried more about being kind... A raise would be nice. Rivka's Rundown Kia Fortes are a very valuable car to thieves in our town. We know, as the two members that parked them in the shul parking lot over Shabbis did not see their cars after Shabbis. Some in our shul say it was the Shabbat Queen who took it for a Melavah Malkah. The Kia Forte owners are getting really annoyed with the new spiritual members in our shul. The rabbi is going to stay with us. Those were the kindest words the rabbi ever said to our congregation. He wants to stay with us, because congregants at other shuls are also annoying. The board wants a beard from our rabbi. A longer beard. They should hire rabbis based on beard length. Each inch should be a 10k raise in salary. I do feel bad about the rabbi's beard length argument. And I do believe his shaving his beard to #1 on the clippers was called for, as food was constantly getting stuck somewhere in the thicket. However, he was hired for a longer beard length, and he has lost much respect since trimming it. It always comes down to a raise. If we gave the rabbi a raise, he would be fine. He would probably stop giving sermons. The idea of a raise being spiritual because it is higher. Only our rabbi could be so profound. The rabbi said Paroh was better than the shul board. At least Paroh took care of the land. The shul lawn does need some mowing weeding. They won't even pay for somebody to do that. We can't get anybody to volunteer to mow the lawn. That's a definite. Nobody is willing to do anything for the shul, unless if they get paid. If they get a long Mishebeyrach, they are also happy. I think they like doing long Mishebeyrach blessings for the family members in the middle of Davening because it bothers the rest of the congregation. To our membership, that is worth something. It is annoying when these people are all trying to achieve something nobody cares about. Now we have little Samantha trying to get into an Ivy League. Her parents said it's important to them she gets in. Otherwise, she won't learn to hate Jews. And now, these kids leading services. It has to stop. They do these new Lecha Dodi tunes, like it’s revolutionary. So now we have to sit through this new tune the guy heard at some Yeshiva in Israel. Something to a Eurovision melody. It's either a Eurovision song, or something that one of these new singers wrote, not realizing they were writing a Carlebach song that was already out there. These guys write these new Lecha Dodi songs with an Am chord, thinking they didn't hear it form Carlebach. Revolutionaries. The Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune is the best one. It’s been the best one for fifty years. And nobody needs to learn it, because it’s good. And then we have to deal with excitement shown in the form of jumping. If nobody else is excited about your tune, please don't jump. You're not going to sell it to me. If it's not Bum BaDa Bum Bum, you're not going to sell it to me. The most brilliant point I will ever make to the congregation. Here it is. 'We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week.' It's so annoying when these kids think they found a new great tune. They all sound like another Carlebach song. The rabbi is correct again. You greet people. It is uncomfortable coming to shul. You don’t know if you’re going to get a Shabbat Shalom or not. I think we are the most unfriendly place to be. I have stopped saying 'Shabbat Shalom,' because half the time I get no response. A greeting committee was formed, so that our members don't have to be nice every week. Niceness is now in a cycle. It was hard, but we got a couple of people to volunteer to be nice. Please know, our rabbi is a spiritual holy man. Due to the discussion, he did Teshuva. As he repented, he has added a minute to his Shema prayer for each inch of beard he has lost. Now, his Shema takes seven minutes. As they wait six and a half minutes for the rabbi to finish the Shema, the congregants are complaining even more now. The board voted towards the end of the week. They have decided that they don't want a spiritual rabbi. They also said that spiritual means the rabbi isn't found in his office very often. When the rabbi wasn't seen for a three days at shul, the president asked him what happened. The rabbi explained that he got caught up in the middle of a Shema. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaEira1/14/2024
Announcements
Since the Chanukah party, Mel has become addicted to gambling. Next year we won’t throw a Dreidel around a spinning thing with numbers that have pockets for the Dreidel to fall in. Why the Dreidel game needed a separate spinning wheel with 38 pockets is something we are still asking the Chanukah party committee about. Another winter car accident. Our members can’t even drive in summer. To keep the roads safe, we suggest our membership walk to shul. Appreciation Profile: We commend all of the children from our congregation who are in the Israeli army. We still see nothing positive in your parents. At least you bring a little Nachis and respect to your Mishpuchis. If your parents move to Israel we will respect them. No quoting the Torah if it's not a quote. Too many of our congregants are quoting Torah that is not Torah. This has been confusing many of our congregants who think anything said in Hebrew is word from Gd. To make for peace amongst our congregants, emails are not allowed anymore. When it’s in email form, you can’t take back capital letters. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Flock... Maybe we should have plagues... If we had plagues, you would act good for a day. You wouldn't abuse Jews... You abuse your rabbi. You’re like Paroh. When there are plagues you say, ‘I’m sorry H.”’ Plagues stop and you’re out there making Jews work with mortar... You asked for extra coleslaw at Kiddish. Ever make coleslaw? It’s the same thing... (Shemot 6:26-27) ‘This was the Aharon and Moshe... They were the ones who spoke to Paroh... this was the Moshe and Aharon.’ How many Moshe and Aharons were there in Egypt? It wasn’t like Sarah in our shul. Everybody is Sarah. I counted twenty... Did the community think there were no other Jewish names before Mark became a member? Did it take a new generation or somebody visiting New York to realize that just because you’re a Jew you don’t have to call your daughter Sarah?... 'This was the Aharon and Moshe.' The children of Yocheved and Amram. Genealogy is important when you accomplish something... Notice that Efraim’s parents never talk about him... We learned the genealogy of Aharon and Moshe and so now we say these are the guys. We see they come from good people... Ever heard people say, ‘I’m from Topeka.’ ‘I’m from Beis KNesses Anshei Emes uSefilah’? No... Exactly. Because of Bernie... Maybe it was a popular name. Look at our shul. Fifteen Moshes... ‘This was the Moshe.’ It wasn’t Moshe Pinkowitz. Pinky wasn’t the Moshe that got the Jews out of Egypt. That should be clear... You don't have Pinky freeing our people. Going over to Paroh and saying, 'I think we need a bigger Kiddish'... Always complaining... Why Aharon first and then Moshe first??? Not everything is a competition. Chazal teach us that both were equally great, so you mention one first... Nobody ever mentioned Efraim first. Even during roll call his teachers never called him first. Last name is Aaronovitz... I don’t know why Eli always gets to the lollypops first. He might be better than the other kids... When it comes to Bar Mitzvah candy throwing, Eli is a beast. He takes down the other kids... I know he’s twenty. He’s still a kid... When are you too old to dive on the floor for candies in shul?! Never. Exactly... Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that Aharon reached his potential. Reaching your potential is what makes you great.... Eli jumping on the floor and taking down other kids for candy is his potential... And our shul just stops people from reaching their potential. Stopping Eli from getting some Sunkist jelly circles. Who brought the roulette wheel? That wasn’t Dreidel... That was a scam. The Dreidel didn’t even move. The shul took 90% on the winnings. And that wasn't even dues. Now we have addicts, chasing their losses... That's why people haven't been back. They don't have enough money to gamble at shul... Whatever our congregants do just causes harm to others. Even driving. I'm afraid to leave the parking lot. The way Bernie backs up with his eyes on his steering wheel... You look at other cars. You look to see if there are people... H' created the laws of Shabbat so that our membership wouldn't drive. The laws of Shabbat saves lives... The Moshe and Aharons of our shul. The Elis of our shul. That is who we look to right now. We commend all the kids who’ve done the Israeli army. They’re bright. They’re courageous. They're smart. They left this congregation... I think the board is trying to get some of the people to move out of the congregation. The announcement of appreciation and respect for our children who went off to serve our people turned into a spite of their parents. You’re not quoting Torah... 'It says in the Torah that you should make money.' Where did you get that from? Where does it say that... Because you said it's in the Torah doesn't mean it's in the Torah... The Torah does say I should get a raise, so that your rabbi can reach his potential. 'VaYomer HaRav LGabaim SheHeim Loh Bseder. vKoolam Sonim Otam.' Torah... It's about potential. And being there to help others reach their potential. That's how you lead. Not through emails. No emails is Torah. Everything you write is nasty... And no social media either... Because you looks stupid... Your emails are just mean... If that’s not the tone, then why are you capitalizing everything... Take it off of caps lock and you will look nicer. Your whole Kiddish complaint to the board was with caps. If you didn't use caps, we'd look at your genealogy... That's what it is Pinky. If there was a plague, you wouldn't write emails for a day. Rivka's Rundown There are a lot of converts in our congregation. They named their daughters after their mothers. Then the men were all named Moshe. No idea why. Just lack of creativity and Torah knowledge. Then Mark joined the shul and people started thinking you can name Jews in English. Now we have Tyler as a member. Named Tyler at his Bris. The rabbi decided that gambling fundraisers are still gambling. The president argued with the rabbi, then took back ten thousand dollars of the rabbi's salary and said, 'That's ten thousand the shul lost in chips.' We had Gamblers Anonymous meetings in our shul. Those stopped when all the members were trying to figure out why we're not a church. It all started with Chanukah. The whole shul is now addicted to slot machines. Last week, the rabbi had to go to the casino to give a Halacha class. It was a beautiful teaching about chasing your kids in shul instead of chasing your losses. Winter driving in our town is dangerous. No snow. People just can’t drive. The suggestion of members walking to shul had nothing to do with keeping Shabbat. Though, as the rabbi said, 'Keeping H"s laws of Shabbat saves lives. At least of the other people on road.' Such a beautiful job of working the Israeli soldiers into the sermon. The rabbi has been doing that lately. It makes it all more meaningful during this time. Letting the congregants know how they have not helped the nation at all is a great lesson that touches the heart of the congregation. I think the one good thing about many of our children joining the Israeli army, according to our rabbi, is that they’ve left our community, and that is smart. Our membership is notorious for fake Torah sources. One was when Mark argued that Mark is a name found in Deuteronomy. He argued it by saying 'Devarim.' The argument went, 'There is Shlomo HaMelech, Noach, and Mark. Mark in Devarim.' And they all use a Hebrew word and think they've won a Halachik conversation. I belive she said, 'And you can't do Hotza'ah of a Siddur...' What does that mean? Just because you used Hebrew doesn't make it a Jewish law. I think she didn't want somebody else using the Artscroll Siddur she has branded as hers. The rabbi used the term Chazal, meaning our teachers or something, which means he didn't know who said it. But everybody considered it law. It was in Hebrew. They say nasty stuff in their emails. Emails are worse than social media. If we interacted through our email talk, we would all be like Bernie and Max talking. A lot of anger and arguing about everything. Now nobody in the congregation likes anybody. It’s all emails. If we stick with emails less people will show up to shul. In upcoming sermons, I am guessing the rabbi is going to start talking about how people should only interact through emails. Coleslaw is hard to make. It’s back breaking if you don’t buy the pre-cut vegetables. Why nobody in our shul purchased the diced slaw makes no sense. I agree with the rabbi. If they made them do the extra work, that’s Parohesque. To have to cut the slaw is a Paroh thing. Our rabbi hits it right on the nose every time. Nose hitting would be a good plague. Only way things in our shul work out is if there is a crisis. I think that a plague would get everybody in line. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYechi12/31/2023
Announcements
NitelNacht programs were a huge success. I think we had more people at shul on Xmas than they got at the churches. For New Year’s we will be hosting Selichot. We understand that many of you didn’t show up for Selichot to repent during Rosh Hashana Yom Kippur period. We figure most of you will at least celebrate this New Year’s correctly. We are allowing single people to not show to shul events anymore. It is awkward for everybody when Chaim shows to an event. Parents have to guard their children, and husbands have to cling onto their wives. We will try to find a place for single people in a community somewhere. It will happen. We think. We are just not sure Gd cares about them. If anybody wants to give Daniella a Bat Mitzvah gift, even though she doesn't deserve it because here parents didn't host anything decent, it is still a nice thing. We’re starting a charity fund for her parents. Parents Who Don’t Give a Kiddish. The Bris. That was a sight. We want to make it clear that Chaim was only there for the Mitzvah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Yaakov didn’t steal Yosef’s sons. He just said, ‘They will be to me’ (Bereishit 48:5)... Some grandparents are like that. They like the grandchildren and want them instead of the kids they birthed. I can understand. I know the congregants in this shul. In a moment of thought Yaakov says, (Bereishit 48:11) ‘I never expected to see your face, and behold Gd has shown me your children too.’ What a beautiful moment. It's like a prayer. Yaakov wants to see his family. When I’ve seen Bubbies and Zaydies in the shul, I’ve heard them say, ‘I hoped to never see your face again. But then Pesach came and we had to come in for the Seder...’ In life, we look back and we see these beautiful gifts Gd gave us. I see you here today and I am not thanking Gd for having to see your children running around the halls. Nobody is happy to see Chaim. Yes. We are amazed he is still single. Amazed and scared we have to see him in shul. You look back on family and the times you shared. Not Chaim. He wouldn't know... Not Chinese food on Xmas. Xmas is not a holiday. Chinese food isn't Jewish... Jews eat it. But it's not Jewish. No Jew living in Asia put together a Chinese cookbook. I know, because they would be selling it at the Jewish Book Festival. You guys come out for Chinese on Xmas, but you won’t come out for the second day of Pesach... Do you know what they used to do to our people on NitelNacht?... Not as bad as the board... New Year’s is not a Jewish holiday... I know more Jews celebrate it than Rosh Hashana. That’s why we are repenting this year. What you guys look back on. Yaakov would be blessing Yosef's kids over the Wag Festival... No. They weren't idol worshipers... Nothing makes Jewish sense. You’re like the single guy at Shabbat lunch. It was pathetic. You've got a married twenty year old, and then this thirty-five year old single guy... Can't talk to the guy about anything... Anything is school for the kids. The twenty year old you can talk to... (Bereishit 48:15-16) 'And he blessed Yosef.' Then it goes onto the Bracha of Hamalach Hagoel Oti. That’s about the kids. Efraim and Menashe. ‘...bless the lads.' We’re blessed through our children. If your children didn't run the halls all the time... Chaim . No real blessing. More awkward than singles is having to wish a Mazel Tov to the Bergsteins when they didn’t even sponsor a Kiddish for their daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Then what are we wishing a Mazel Tov for... You should give Daniella a gift. She should not be punished for her parents' cheapness. We should bless Daniella to not have to deal with her parents... Yaakov wasn't blessing Yosef's kids because he was a cheap parent. Yaakov wanted to give them a Brachas of redemption from bad stuff, and fertility... I don't know how Chaim would be blessed... The Bris was a Bracha. A Bracha and an uncomfortable situation for us all. Why Chaim was there... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi spoke about the gift of family. How beautiful?! Family that is not related to anybody in our congregation. If you are not related to members of our shul, that's a blessing. The way these guys love NitelNacht in our shul, you would think they wanted to burn the shul down. There are no Jewish Chinese cookbooks. That was the most profound point of this week's Drasha. Our congregation now messes up every Jewish holiday with what Americans do. They thought Halloween was Purim. One of them even dunked a candy chocolate egg in the salt water on Pesach. Chaim would have no idea what love meant. He's just happy to see Rugulach at Kiddish. That was the saddest experience. Being the single guy at Shabbat lunch. Seeing him around married 20 year olds who got to sit at the adult table. Everybody looking at him like he’s a loser. Why is he even Jewish? The board is meeting to see if he should just give up. Daniella Bergstein's Bat Mitzvah was amazing. No Kiddish. Nobody gave gifts. The parents were mad nobody gave gifts. They were also mad to see the small turnout. What do you expect? Nobody is coming to wish you a Mazel Tov, unless if they're mourning. If they're mourning, they might pop in to wish you a Mazel Tov. They can't stick around for the food anyway. They started a Daniella's Gifts charity. It raised a lot of money, and they gave the gift to somebody other kid whose parents aren't cheap and sponsored a Kiddish for their tenth birthday. The people who gave to the charity insisted they get something out of it. We have to have more private Brises. Brises that single people are banned from. Brises where you can give a real Bracha. Like a Bracha of not having to see any of the congregants of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. A bunch of heretics. I appreciate our rabbi’s message so much. I felt like I was at a comedy show where the comedian just mocks the way the people look. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYigash12/24/2023
Announcements
We still care about Israel. Thought people should be reminded. The Bergstein Bat Mitzah will have Kichel. That’s it. Even though they are not paying for anybody to enjoy themselves, the Bergsteins said they’re proud of their daughter. The rabbi will be giving a course in Israel Advocacy. He asks that Bernie not come. Anything Bernie represents will not be good. People will hate it. As advocacy is supposed to be positive for Israel, the rabbi is urging only non-members of the congregation to come. To quote: ‘I believe it will be better for Israel if people advocating are people that are liked. Members of our shul are urged to not speak out on behalf of Israel. We gave seen the hatred you have already caused in our community.’ Asarah BTevet is a fast day. You fast on it. The youth leader wants to apologize for the kids coming into shul before Kiddish. They didn’t mean to shock the congregation with youth. She said that she will do her job and keep the children from praying anything more than Adon Olam and Yigdal out of a book with pictures. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Yehuda came to Yosef... If you came to me with a normal question, I wouldn’t be mad... Yehuda's question is legitimate. Please don't bring up the Bar Mitzvah boy who's still leading in Anim Zemirot. Will we ever get another child to learn the prayer?... (Bereishit 45:1) ‘Yosef couldn’t hold himself back.’ And so he asked everybody to leave and he revealed himself to his brothers.... No. He didn’t ask them to leave because he wanted to beat up on Dan with nobody watching. He didn’t want a fight. This isn’t a board meeting. He wanted to let his brothers know it was him... When Michael Menachem says, ‘Hold me back,’ it’s pathetic. Who are you going to hurt with your two column Hagba?!... Yosef couldn’t hold himself back from crying. He had a heart. He wasn't on the shul board. It was because Yehuda showed he cared. (Bereishit 44:34) ‘For how can I go up to my father and the youth is not with me, lest I see the evil that I have brought upon my father.’ Do any of you care? The evil that you have brought upon me... And he cried. (Bereishit 45:2) Everybody heard his cry. It was loud. You can’t hide real emotion. I know Sarah Rachel hasn't emoted since she married Baruch Moshe... It was more like a Faiga Bayla cry. When she's trying to get her parent's attention, everybody hears that. (45:3) They were ‘disconcerted.’ Rashi teaches the brothers were embarrassed. You would be embarrassed... Yes. He told them to not feel bad for selling to slavery to die. And you guys can’t get over a sermon I gave about a cat that needed healing... A sick cat that I cared for. So, my Drasha about the cat wasn't long enough. And you're still disconcerted that I didn't show enough empathy. I sent the cat to the vet... You did nothing. You sat in the shul and said, 'The rabbi should've done more in his sermon.' I took the cat to the vet. Is that not enough? Is a sermon more important than the action... You haven’t said a thing about Israel since you got your raise. You forgot about our brothers and sisters. I give sermons about Israel and crying for our brothers and sisters. Are you disconcerted for our people?!... Like Yosef, I cry a loud cry when I have to answer your questions. The secretaries hear it. The pain I suffer... Another annoying question. You fast on fast days. That’s why they’re called a fast days. You fast on a it.. No. I don’t know what happened on Asarah BTevet. It’s a fast. So you fast... You remember stuff on fast days. You remember our people. The destruction of the Beit Hamikdash... Do you even remember what happened on Simchat Torah... If it doesn't have to do with football, you don't remember it. Ever since you got your raise and got season tickets... Did Yehuda truly care? He didn’t want to see the evil he caused. He cared about himself... Maybe there wouldn’t be an Asarah BTevet if we cared about each other. Maybe advocated every once in a while. If you would care for each other the way I cared about the cat. Maybe if people paid for Bat Mitzvahs so others could enjoy themselves... Can we have the Bat Mitzvah up here... Why are the kids in shul again? Do we not pay a youth leader to not have to see them?! Got to keep them out till after Adon Olam... No. They should not be Davening. Kids come to shul so we don’t have to see them. And now we see Daniella. We are proud of you. Your parents may not be. All they bought for Kiddish is Kichel. Though your parents don’t care about you, I do. Someday, approach your parents and ask them to pay for a Kiddish. It starts now. In the end, they won’t chip in for your wedding... Trust me. They wouldn’t even chip in for a pasta salad last shul picnic... Rivka's Rundown The congregation has truly forgot about everything going on Israel. They’re more worried about football. The Monarchs are what they're concerened about. The football match of the Monarchs vs the Rochester Raging Rhinos. Professional non-American football is big in Topeka. Point: Everybody forgot what happened on Simchat Torah already. They're too involved in the Monarchs. 'Is a sermon more important than the action?' Yes it is, rabbi. The course on Israeli Advocacy was not attended by any of our congregants. The rabbi said that was better for Israel. The Bat Mitzvah was enjoyed by the parents. That’s it. It was the worst Bat Mitzvah Kiddish. It was just Kichel. I was sitting there watching a bunch of old Jews teething. She got no gifts. In retrospect, that made most of the congregation happy. I was happy I didn't have to get her anything. The only one that seemed not happy was Daniella. And she even gave a Bat Mitzvah speech about being the only kid on her block to not have a bike growing up. The kids in our shul are pathetic. We have Bar Mitzvah boy leading Anim Zemirot. He's fourteen. You don't lead Anim Zemirot when you're over Bar Mitzvah. It's supposed to be a child. It makes the prayer more meaningful when a five year old who doesn't understand it does, than when a fourteen year old who doesn't understand it leads. Are they legitimate kids? We don’t even know. They're crazy. I can tell you that. Seeing them in shul causes panic. We all know they can’t lead Anim Zemirot. It’s been the same kid for eight years. When the illegitimate Bar Mitzvah is not there, the Chazin leads. That’s an extra twenty minutes. The kids are crazy. They scare the adults. This is why they don't learn how to lead Anim Zemirot. Their parents are scared of them. They know that if they teach them something, the kids will get child services over to the house. Kids came in too early. They came in before Anim Zemirot. People were shocked. Panic set in. It was as if they were worried about nursery school hoodlums taking over the shul with their lollypops. Shaking down the rabbi for more Fizzers and sour sticks. The fact they had to announce you fast on a fast day which took place on Friday. That is messed up. Mid-Drasha, the rabbi got questions about how not to eat. The rabbi spent twenty minutes during his Drasha explaining what a fast day is. The congregants were shocked. 'How to fast without bagels???!' The rabbi explained how you eat the bagels after the fast. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Miketz12/17/2023
Announcements
Next year, the board will not host the shul Chanukah party. As we have seen, they truly ruin a good time. We will be sure the president doesn’t show up, so everybody can enjoy themselves. We are sorry that the president thought that congregants should pay dues. And it was a Chutzpah to ask people to pay the suggested donation. The president does not understand community. He does not understand the importance of people not having to pay. He doesn't understand what enjoyment of membership truly is. His understanding of ‘membership’ is off. Our members should not have to feel like they should pay membership dues. The Bergstein Bat Mitzvah is next week. Daniella Bergstein’s parents have stated that they won’t host a Kiddish, as they want to enjoy their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. And they will not enjoy if they have to pay for anything. The rabbi will be giving a class on when to give money to Shnurers. Topics addressed include: If the Shnurer has a credit card machine. If a Shnurer tells you they have three kids and five of them are getting married. If the Shnurer has more money than you, can you charge the Shnurer and consider that your Tzedakah. The shul does not need your shrubs that you don’t want. Your trash cannot be brought to the shul... We beg. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... (Bereishit 41:15-16) Paroh asks Yosef to interpret his dreams and Yosef responds, ‘This is beyond me. H’ will answer the welfare of Paroh.’ And our Gabai thinks he knows the correct traditions for the shul... It's beyond you. Accept it. That's why you got gifts the kids didn't want. You took it into your own hands. He thinks that kids want Silly Putty for Chanukah... It’s not a gift Yankel. One of the kids had a dream he would get a really bad gift for Chanukah and it came true... Silly Putty?! You literally interpreted his dream... They wanted a drone. Instead. They got seven plastic eggs with goo. You are Paroh. And it’s beyond you... Well. To them, you're Paroh. You give Paroh gifts. The problem is the ego on our shul’s board. Yosef says the interpretation is up to H’. And our board make decisions as to how to decorate the sanctuary... Will we ever get rid of the community quilt... You put a blanket over the ark... It’s a quilt. A quilt is a blanket. I had a dream that the Aron, the ark, would be covered in something totally wrong... I had a dream people wouldn’t pay dues. And it happened. I also had a dream that seven little bushes would be dropped off at the shul, so that people wouldn’t have to call sanitation to dispose of their trees... Yes. It came true. The trees by the back door, are not planted into the blacktop. They're trash that... The word for 'welfare' used is 'Shalom'... Paroh's welfare is seen to once his dreams are interpreted. When you know something bad is going to happen, it brings peace to you. If I would’ve known I would have the curse of dealing with a board, I would be at peace... ‘This is beyond me...’ I have heard this from every member of the congregation. Every time you don't want to help. How many people said this when they didn't want to help fry the latkes for the Chanukah party... But Yosef still helped. Stop with excuses... When I say 'this is beyond me,' I am saying that I don't understand a thing that is happening in this congregation. Because the people here are messed up... It's not beyond you to help... H' can make latkes. But you can help. You can be a catalyst. You’re literally a party pooper. Our president is a pooper... You were asking people to pay their dues at the party... Of course they won’t pay for the Chanukah party. That’s why they come to shul. To not have to pay for anything and for their kids to enjoy a bouncy house... If you gave them decent gifts on Chanukah, they wouldn't be Shnuring... Yes. Shnurers have credit cards nowadays. Ever done business. You need a credit car machine. We don't need a nursery. We're not birthing kids here... A nursery school, we need... Little shrubbery doesn't need a school at our shul... (41:25) As Yosef tells Paroh, ‘The dream of Paroh is one dream...’ Everything in this shul is one bad incident. One messed up situation... One bad dream. If you would just see my wisdom, you would let me get rid of the Gabai and the president. Rivka's Rundown The community quilt is still there. The Schwartzs asked for the quilt, so their kid could get good sleep. They like the size of the Aron cover for the king size bed they got their kid. The rabbi just wanted to go off on the Gabai for messing up the Mishebeyrach. Somebody said ‘for the rabbi too,’ and the Gabai just said 'HaRav' without his name. You bless the rabbi correctly or he will sermonize about you. The Gabai does make too many decisions. If he just let H' call people up to the Torah, nobody would be mad at him.. The rabbi is giving a required class on gift giving this coming Kislev. He is also going to teach gift giving as part of the required education in the conversion course. He said that decent gifts is a prerequisite for Shalom. Gift giving and getting rid of the shul president. I don't believe we've had a shul program without a bouncy house in twelve years. People come to shul for the bouncy house. If they had got the bouncy Bima, you would have more people in shul on Shabbat. A bouncy Bima and Kiddish. That would draw people. The rabbi wrote the announcement about the shul board ruining a good time. The president asking people to pay is a real downer. Nobody in our shul enjoys anything if it’s not for free. It doesn't take much to figure that out. Chabad figured that out. Any congregant that pays for anything does not smile. When they pay for anything, they're mad. I have never seen a happy face at a family party. If you’ve ever seen our congregants hosting their family for a Bar Mitzvah, you would see a bunch of smug angry faces on the Baalei Simcha. The only time they smile is when they get a check. If they give a gift that is not cash to their child, depression sets in. All the members who didn't pay dues voted to get rid of the president. And the Bergsteins won't pay for a Kiddish. We have the cheapest membership. The Shnurers are coming around with credit card machines now. Like they’re selling me something. These Shnurers should be paying dues. They are pulling in so much. They should Shnur from our members and pay dues for them. That would be a way to finally get membership paid for. It's a scam. No idea what they're collecting for. They have a picture of a cousin in Israel and a credit card machine on their wrist. If they have that, the rabbi said it's legitimate. They're Frum Shnurers. The guy dropped off a whole nursery at the shul. Not kids. It was an orchard. They cut it and brought it to the shul and dropped it off. They couldn’t leave it on their front lawn for the town to take it. They just left it in back of shul. They had to 'beg' in the announcements. They've told people the shul is not the place for their garbage, countless times. They understand people will do it anyways. The rabbi had to host a prayer service to beseech Gd for people to stop dropping off their trash at shul. I believe it was a donation of Chanukah bushes from one of the heretics in the shul. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The Chanukah Gala program will include a Chinese Auction. It will also include latkes and a Dreidel gambling circle. All children are expected to attend. They should all have a Dreidel experience. Parent Child Learning this week will include a psychologist, a social worker and a representative from child services. We have noticed a lot of parents who are not impressed with their children’s Gemara skills. We remind you that the children are only in elementary school. They still have not learned Rashi script. Please don’t make Shlomo look bad again. Our children are dependent on a decent Secret Shlomo this year. To quote the kids at youth group last Shabbat: ‘We are not expecting anything decent from our parents. Their gifts are pathetic. We are praying that Secret Shlomo loves us more than our parents and buys us decent gifts.' Rosh Chodesh is Wednesday. Please show up to shul. We understand it’s a long Davening. Please don’t pretend like you’re sick again. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... VaYeshev... He wasn’t just sitting. Yaakov wasn’t lazy like the president of our board... Did you settle Israel? No. Exactly. Yaakov settled in the land of his fathers... Far Rockaway is a good area too. (Bereishit 37:14) Yosef is told by his father to check on his brother’s 'Shalom.' He went for peace. Kind of like the way I came to the shul. The way I was hired as rabbi. At the time, I didn’t know there would be a Gabai and a president... (37:17) The man Yosef sees in Shechem tells him his brothers went to Dotan. The Midrash teachs that Dotan comes from the word ‘Dat’ which means law... I know it means religion in modern Hebrew... Because there are laws, Bernie. If you kept the Mitzvot, you would understand our religion is about keeping laws. Not driving to shul on Shabbis... 'Law' meaning ‘they are seeking legal advice to put you to death'... How many religious people have died? A lot, Bernie. Yosef's brothers were looking to find a legal way to kill him... I have nothing to do with the last president that we have not seen in many years... You can’t have Shalom and judgement together. You can’t have a kind rabbi who loves the people and a shul board... We need peace. We need honesty. We need a simple shul that does stuff right, unlike our board. We need a reason to not judge each other... You guys mess up so much. You lie. You ruin Chanukah... You weren’t sick. We saw you shopping at the mall and working out... You just didn’t want to go to Davening. There is no Shalom if there is no Minyin. If we can't pray together... I can't pray with Bernie and Merv because they're chuching the whole time... You overdo everything. A Gala? What is the gala? Latkes do not make a gala. And a Chinese auction??? Why not call it a raffle... It’s offensive to Chinese people. Shalom with the Asian community... You guys jump the gun with your children. Take it easy... Why don’t you learn how to learn Sam?! Before yelling at your kid for not knowing the Sugiah of Shnaim Ochzin, maybe you should stop fighting over Tallises with people. If you want Shalom, maybe you'll stop whacking people with the tassels. Learn how to put on the thing... The brothers see Yosef and say 'let’s kill him, or buy him really bad gifts'... It’s the same thing. Getting a Rubik’s Cube for Chanukah... Who is Rubik?! How about you buy better gifts for your kids... Nobody knew that Shlomo secretively buys really bad gifts. If you buy your children decent gifts they’ll love you. They will not want to kill you... That's why they yell all the time. Bad gifts. I feel abused by you. The gifts you give me are so pathetic. If family services came to this shul, they would take me away to another shul... And the Dreidel. Now we have eight year olds showing up to gamblers anonymous. (37:17) The man thus began by teling Yosef, ‘They have journeyed on from here.’ Rashi teaches, ‘They have left themselves from brotherhood.’ There is no peace here. Yosef was looking for peace. He found really bad gifts. He found a congregation who hosts gala events with a Rukik's Cube as a prize... A gym membership would be a good gift, if our members used it to get in shape and not skip shul... Rivka's Rundown It’s pathetic how the members have to pretend that they’re sick to not show up to shul. The Gala event had a bouncy house. That is what constitutes class in our shul. I believe churches and synagogues have Chinese auction to keep Asians from converting. We had a Chinese Auction to offend Asians. The rabbi wants Shalom with the Asian community of Topeka. He told them that Chinese is another word for raffle. Now we have a few new members from Beijing. We have a lot of gambling addicts in our shul. And they wonder why. I told them to stop with the Dreidel. Why AA and GA are always in churches is an anomoly. Saint Catheran's has more Jews from our shul going there for gamblers anonymous than we see on Shabbis. If we had GA in our shul and the Minyin saw them, there is no way anybody would be anonymous. If Shirley saw them, everybody would know. Nobody showed up to Parent Child Learning. The parents want to help their kids advance too much. They have aspirations for their children, and that means abuse. At least it means a lot of crying. Kids cry when their parents have hope, and they give bad gifts. Parents were worried they would have to deal with their kids crying about the Chanukah gifts. And child services would break up families due to lack of electronics. A lot of screaming at shul. Believing your child is smart is abusive. Unless if you give them drones. Decent gifts do equal love. That was what the rabbi was teaching us. Even if your parents are broke, if they love you, they’ll buy a good gift. The shul apologized for the Secret Shlomo. From now on, they will not trust the congregants with gift giving. There is a lot of hatred in our shul. Not much Shalom. I don't even hear 'Shabbat Shalom.' They just say 'Good Shabbis' now. People judging each other in our shul is well deserved. If we can find a way to ligellay take action against people paying dues, that will be appreciated. People literaly hit others with their Tallis. There is no legal justification for that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A well put together cover page for a Jewish newspaper. I knew I was reading a Frum Jewish newspaper, as they found a way to fit 28 ads on the cover page. And the feature article is an ad for Amor jewelry... A properly written Jewish magazine should be advertisements. I once read a non-religious magazine, and I felt like a sinner when I read an article to only find there was no phone number at the end of it. I felt defiled… It’s a shame the Amor ad is so big. They could’ve got another 20 ads in.
(Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash... You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full.
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July 2024
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7/21/2024
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