Announcements
Any misspelling, in all issues of the Kibbitzer, is the Gabai’s fault. We apologize for the Kristallnacht program last week. The speaker only realized later on that his house catching on fire was not the same as a Germans burning it. Though he hates Florida, he wants to make it clear. He didn’t mean to blame Ron DeSantis for Kristallnacht. No more banging the tables for Rosh Chodesh. We have a Yaaleh vYavo sign. That’s enough. Kids are now scared to come to shul because of your Clopping the table. We are also asking Shlomo to pay for the damages done to the Bima table. We want to commend all community members that went to the rally for Israel. We also want to thank all of those that stayed here for sharing their excuses for the past two weeks. For those who went to the rally, the flag blanket Tallis look is beautiful. Howeverץ We are asking you wear a suit on Shabbat. Proper Shabbat Israel Solidarity Dress: A pin. A Sheytel. A Kippah. A suit. Slacks. A Tallis. A tie would be nice. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... (Bereishit 29:1) ‘Yaakov lifted his feet and went toward the eastern lands...’ You have to put in effort, Yankel. You as well, Sarah Faiga... Pinchas. You will never meet anybody if you stay in Topeka. You have to go East. To New York... Effort. A little effort. You have to work... You have to pick up your feet. Lift them. Everybody. Lift your feet... Don't stand Bernie. Just lift your feet. It's like physical therapy for useless congregants... I understand that none of the congregants here work. They definitely don’t help... You guys show up to shul so late. You walk so slow. None of you lift your feet. You drag. The problem is you drag... Rashi says Yaakov was able to move because he felt Gd was with him. So his heart lifted his feet... Changes are hard. Dealing with the board of this shul is hard. If you saw somebody attractive, you would lift your feet. You would help clean the Mikvah... It’s disgusting. I have yet to have seen Shloimy shower before entering that thing. And you guys put your Keilim in there.. The spoons you stick into your soup, full of Shloimy. The spoons that go into your mouth. It's disgusting. Clean the Mikvah. Effort. And Shloimy. Shower before you go into the thing... It takes physical effort. Yaakov rolls the rock off the well... He wasn’t lazy. He helped with Kiddish. And he worked out. You guys are so out of shape. There is a reason you don’t feel Gd is with you. He isn’t... The only effort you put into anything is hitting the table on Rosh Chodesh. You scare the kids. You put in too much effort... He didn’t hit the rock off the well. It wasn't Rosh Chodesh. Rosh Chodesh Clopping was scary. The families ran. They got frightened. They thought there was a fight. Or the Bima broke... You attacked the Bima. You broke the the table... What are you bringing up the Holocaust for?... You’re an idiot. You don’t equate anything with the Holocaust. It wasn't a Kristallnacht event. It was a left-wing political opinion... You took Kristallnacht and turned it against republicans... Are you an idiot? You blamed Ron DeSantis for your house burning and all of the synagogues burning... It wasn’t global warming. This has nothing to do... If Baruch Pichas Clopped your house, it would’ve been destroyed... You had to lift your feet tot go to the rally for Israel. Always an excuse. never responsible. You didn’t got to the rally... You say you wanted to. No excuses... Work?! You're an accountant. It's not even tax season... Pinchas. You probably would’ve met a girl at the rally. A girl from New York... It's time to fold up the flags... You're in shul. Your solidarity can be holding a flag. You don’t have to wear it... How do pajamas show solidarity with Israel?! A tie would be nice... I know they don’t wear them in Israel. It would be a way of showing you care. A way of not looking like a shlump... Rivka's Rundown People were mad this week when the rabbi started giving sermons again. They shouted, 'We came to shul for Kiddish.' They were still in the Israel rally spirit. In solidarity with Israel the rabbi gave no speech for Chayei Sarah and Toldot. Chayei Sarah. The rabbi just said, ‘Go to the Rally.’ That's all the rabbi said. It was the most powerful message he ever gave. I think the only one people heard. To be exact, I believe he said, 'You're heretics. Go to the rally or you're not Jewish.' At Kiddish on Chaeyi Sarah, the rabbi told the single people at our shul to not marry each other. 'As Avraham made Eliezer vow to find a decent wife from Charan, you should not marry anybody from Topeka. Nobody here is decent. It's like living amongst a bunch of Canaanites.' On Parshat Toldot, he told everybody that when Moshe Stern said Ruchel is his sister he was telling the truth. Finally, the Shadchans stopped trying to set them up. Our congregants put no effort into anything. Last year's Chanukah party was just sour cream. No latkes to put it on. No latkes. No sufganiot. Just sour cream and jelly. Nobody was willing to fry. Too much work. I am happy the rabbi called out Sarah Faiga. And Pinchas. It’s pathetic. Stays in Topeka. Is he looking to meet a bubbie. They're lazy. The truth is the rabbi was going off on all the congregants because he wants a better Kiddish. Only two people help prepare it. And the way things stand, there will be no latkes or sufganiot this year either. The rabbi would’ve listed everyone in the congregation, but he wanted to get a Shabbis shluf. The whole Kristallnacht program was offensive. The guy turned Kristallnacht into a chance to go off on Ron DeSantis. I was fine with that. I just don't believe Ron DeSantis burned synagogues or Jewish books. I think the speaker got off track when they started yelling, 'I hate Trump.' I showed up to show respect for our ancestors and to commemorate Kristallnacht. The speaker is now running for town council. And they shouldn't have called it a program. It's too close to Pogrom. It should be a Kristallnacht ceremony. Even that doesn't sound good. Nobody wants to relive that. A commemoration is the right word. I will tell the Federation. He broke the Bima with his Clopp. It was vicious. I wouldn’t want to be in that guys house. He definitely wasn’t reminding people to say Yaaleh VYavo, unless if he was trying to remind them to say it under attack. I think Baruch Pinchas is just an angry dad. Come to think of it, maybe he was mad about having to say Yaaleh VYavo. He probably misses it a lot and has to repeat the Shemonah Esrei (Amida). Each time you forget to say it, you have to repeat it. That can be frustrating. I once did eight Yaaleh VYavos on Rosh Chodesh. He was probably banging the table real hard, saying, 'This is how you remind people, so they don't have to repeat it. I was stuck in shul for three hours last month. Repeating and repeating!!!' The support for Israel dress code the shul put out was to try to get people to look decent for services. One guy showed up in shorts and sandals and said ‘They do this in Israel.’ The rabbi responded, ‘That is the only form of solidarity you have shown.’ This week they showed up in pajamas again. The rabbi reminded the guy that he could've shown up to the rally in DC. They're really are lazy. The congregation wants hostages free. But our congregants have a hard time saying Tehillim. They say it's too much work. Most of them can’t even read Hebrew. A bunch of selfish lazy congregants. When it comes to having the congregation sit threw their list of Mishebeyrachs on Shabbat morning... Some of them pull out lists of third cousins. And then they include the officers of the shul. Leave the rabbi and the officers of the shul out. Nobody is saying Amen to the pain you put us through. I say no more Aliyahs to the Torah. If we have to sit threw their Mishebeyrachs. If they did a Mishebeyrach for the hostages, like real Manschim, I would be all in. Instead, it's a blessing for their child doing third grade math in kindergarten at the local Jewish day school that costs twenty-five thousand dollars a year. And I know they're doing third grade math because that got brought into the Mishebeyrach. 'My daughter who is doing third grade math in kindergarten.' We always have to here about Samantha and Tuvi's kids. And why the local day school is twenty-five thousand with only four kids a class. There are things I can't explain. The Mikvah is disgusting. Hasn’t been cleaned in years. People are leaving boxes at the Mikvah now. You have boxes and Shloimy's whatever. If somebody isn’t tasked with helping people for money, they don’t do it. Not our congregation. They asked the rabbi what 'shlump' means. He pointed to Shloimy. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Vayera11/5/2023 
Announcements
Shul security will be run by Mendel. The fist Yad is here. The finger will be a fist. Due to the number of ripped Tallises, the rabbi has made the decision to only use fists as fingers. Please show up for the shul’s unveiling of the fist Torah pointer fist. It will not be violent. The Tallis folding has been off. Placement as well. The rabbi will be giving a class this week on how to fold and place a Tallis properly on a shelf. Also, how to not make a mess of Tallises by throwing them. The rabbi will also teach people how to pick up their plate and put it in the trash, by not leaving their plate out for Rachel Bracha. No more slowing down Kaddish. People want to stop saying Amen for Mark's dad, due to the bothersome nature of Mark's voice and speed. Kippah clips are now required for funerals on windy days. Too many Kippas have flown into graves this fall. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... (Bereishit 18:18-19) H’ says, ‘All the nations of the world will be blessed through Avraham for I have known that he commands his sons and his daughters and his house after him that they should keep the ways of H’, of righteousness and justice...' Nobody is being blessed through this congregation. Our one Kohen doesn't even know how to split his fingers correctly... It's about passing on the ideal of righteousness... Mitzvot?! You don't even know how to show up to a funeral correctly. Kippot were flying all over. Learn how to wear a Yarmulke on a windy day. It's like Sedom and Amora... It's about Tzadikim. That's what brings Bracha to the world. Let's talk about righteous people and passing on righteousness. Tzadik here?! Would H’ have saved the world if our congregation was the people that were left… No. I don’t believe we have a Tzadik here. Would Topeka be saved if it was up to our congregation?! A Tzadik wouldn't make Rachel Bracha clean after them every Kiddish... No. It's not her job. She's just not annoying... You don't even pay dues... That would help pay for cleaning services... Only person who has ever offered to help is Moishe Pinchas. He offered and then left his plate on the table and walked right out... Why? Because Rachel said to him that he can help with cleaning up the plates. He just stood up and walked out. He figured, 'If that's the case, I need to get out of here fast.' Have you seen the kids' table?!... Her name is Rachel Bracha because she is the only one in this shul that hasn't been a curse... Mendel is not somebody you want running security. If Mendel was running security in Sedom and Amora, nobody would’ve been saved. Why is everybody up in arms about a fist pointing to the Torah. It's to protect Tallises... Mendel should see the Yad and learn how to defend himself. The fist is more powerful than the finger. The Torah is our strength... This isn't a Kong Fu movie. Mendel would've never starred as Le Roy in The Last Dragon. He definitely can’t defend the shul... A Tzadik wouldn't make everybody wait for their Kaddish Mark... No. Everybody loves your dad. It's you. Nobody likes you... Seichel. That’s what we’re talking about. If you had Seichel, you might act right. Who puts the Tallis on the side of the table?... Of course, it slides off. Your Kippah flew into the grave… Clips. Seichel. A hat is fine… Your Kippah fell off into the grave. It's in the hole… No. You shouldn't have jumped in after it... Maybe it was meant to be... Rivka's Rundown Mendel decided that the best way to run the security team is to have a committee. To quote: ‘You don’t have security without a committee.’ And then nothing happened, and nobody was trained. But they had meetings about how the shul needs security. So, I question if the shul can have Brachas with Mendel. The rabbi initiated a windy day funeral dress code. New funeral dress code for windy days includes Kippah clips, hats, and coats that have a working zipper. I don't believe that any member of our congregation has ever fixed a zipper. Nor has anyone every resown a button. Their button breaks and they're walking around with a flapping trench coat connected on the bottom. Hats that are not allowed are derbies. Nobody wanted derbies at their funeral. A discussion was had, and nobody in our congregation likes them. He jumped into the grave. His Kippah flew off and his immediate response was to jump in with the coffin. The rabbi had to stop some of the congregants from shoveling the dirt. We had one guy that was extremely intent on shoveling the stuff fast. His intensity involved in his dirt movement was astonishing. I think he truly did not like Fishel. Fishel was a good man, but that guy was real happy to see him go fast. Since, the rabbi started giving out Kippah clips and hats to bald people. Got the Fist Yad. All leftwing people left the shul in protest. They left the shul due to the Torah pointer offending them. They said that seeing a fist represented rightwing. Now people are not allowed to close their hands in shul, due to membership sensitivity. The Torah is our strength was a beautiful lesson. Though the rabbi made clear it is our greatest weapon against evil, thank Gd nobody in our shul is strong enough to lift a Torah as weapon. That guy at Fishel's funeral would've used it on him if he had a chance. He just left the Tallis on the side of the table and walked. It slipped off before he placed it. There is no way he didn't see it fall. He just figured, he shouldn't have to bend. He shouldn't have to pay dues or bend. Some people are throwing Tallises. Why people are throwing Tallises is bizarre. I think they're expecting Rachel Bracha to clean them up. Rachel Bracha ends up cleaning after everybody. They just sit and watch. I have never seen somebody offer to help. Rachel is another girl. Rachel doesn't help. Rachel Bracha, we always use both of her names. A whole discussion was had with the rabbi about if a cleaning service would pick up Mark's plate after him. Mark has a huge issue with bringing his plate to the trash can. To quote, 'My family did not escape Iran to have to clean up after ourselves.' Mark was not happy with the love everybody has for his dad, and the hatred for his Kaddish. Kaddish is always a little slower. Why??? I don't know. No matter how slow they go, Mark Sindel goes slower. I never thought I would be so upset that I wouldn't want to say Amen, but his Kaddish is so long. I feel like smacking Mark and telling him his dad would've left in the middle of his Kaddish. The rabbi did take the Kohen aside, to teach him how to separate his fingers. He spent months doing finger exercises with the guy. The Kohen is now jacked. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Lech Lecha10/31/2023
Announcements
No taking breaks to get water when you have a Yahrzeit. This is not a production. It’s a Yahrzeit, and you are repeating the Amida. That’s it. Yahrzeit Rule: Lead Davening and get it over with. People have jobs to get to. We found the cat. You can now Daven. The shul is getting new Yads. It appears as though the Torah pointer fingers on the Yads have been getting caught in too many Tallises. Tehillim will be every day. Until this war is over, we will say Tehillim every day. Please stop calling the office. We are sorry if you have to miss a minute and forty-five seconds of work, because our soldiers are in Gaza trying to rid the world of evil and saving our hostages. Class on volunteering will take place this Tuesday, as nobody volunteers. If anybody would like to volunteer to put out phone calls for people to show up to the class, please let the office know. The class next Tuesday on volunteering has been cancelled, due to lack of volunteers. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Avraham tells Sarah to tell the Egyptians she's his sister, so they don’t kill him... Yes. It makes sense. You do things to save someone’s life. You didn’t even call 911... It was a hit and run. And you just kept on walking... You do stuff to help. Like maybe lifting a hand a Kiddish. You help clean... You eat, but you do nothing else. You even leave your plate on the table... (Bereishit 12:14-16) They see she is beautiful and they ‘praise her to Paroh... And he treated Avraham well because of her, and he got sheep, cattle, donkeys...’ He even got servants. What have you done for your husband, Vicky?! You gave him an ulcer... Forget about the fact that Paroh took her to his house. That's besides the point. At least Avraham got something out of it... Avraham is kicked out of Egypt for lying to Paroh. Not all plans are necessarily good ones. But they lived. That's the point... I find it hard to live through Davening here. So painful. If my wife would tell people I wasn’t a rabbi, I wouldn’t have to come to shul and listen to Shmuli's drawn out prayers. Or groaning... Well you're not singing. You make everything painful. Everything takes longer with you. You went to get a sucking candy. Why did you have to get a sucking candy... You’re not an opera singer. You lead one prayer for twenty minutes... Your mother would’ve never been that pretentious. How many candies do you need to repeat the Amida?! Now the Amida is a production. That's a riddle. Here. A ruddle for the congregation. How many sucking candies does it take for Shmuli to repeat the silent prayer?!... You should've brought an orchestra for your Modim. And water? You had to get a drink of water?! Your throat was parched... It was parched because you never show up for Davening. If you were used to Davening, you would’ve been able to go without candy and water for an hour and a half... I am used to it, because I have been here when Shimon leads Davening... It's almost as painful as listening to Shmuli. You are all just a burden. This is about praise for Sarah. She was willing to do what was needed to protect them. Not one person volunteered for the class on how to volunteer. Not one person protected the shul and told Shmuli how much they hated his Davening... The one thing the community gets behind, a stray cat that eats Kiddish leftovers... What about a new Yad. You know how many Tallises I have destroyed due to Torah Yads... Yes. We are still saying Tehillim... Not for my Tallises. We are going to say Tehillim for our brethren and sistren in Israel... Every day. Yes. Every day. It's about thinking about other people. Just as Sarah did for Avraham... So selfish. Can’t miss a minute of work for Tehillim. And you can lie to H' and pretend you're a good Jew for this... Rivka's Rundown All of Kiddish, people were asking what's wrong with the cisterns in Israel. Yahrzeits shouldn’t be painful for the rest of the shul. It seems like the only one who is enjoying these Yahrzeits is the person whose parent died. So pretentious. They need to get water. Have a cup of coffee up there like it's a production. They're repeating Shacharit. That's it. These Yahrzeit guys think it's their day to perform. As if their parents passed away so their son can have a yearly Hebrew reading recital. They don't get it. People want to get out of shul. They come to get out. It's not a show. If it was a show, people would be willing to pay. Our members don't even pay dues. And their voices are awful. It’s like seeing a guy up there with a microphone, holding it all professionally, to only find out that Bernie is the singer. And the selfishness shows itself when it comes to Israel. We have congregants doing the loud breath because they have to say Tehillim. One did a loud breath and a head shake. Our congregants feel that there is a cap on how much Tehillim one should say. And they don't even visit the sick. So it has nothing to do with thinking about people in our community who are sick. If you get sick in our community, the only prayer you'll get from the other members is that you shouldn't come back. The rabbi made it clear that the women in the congregation are not helpful. I think he was just trying to get the women to blame Shmuli for the slow Davening, and to kick Shmuli off the Bima. He is trying to garner support. The rabbi should’ve known nobody would volunteer for the class on volunteering. The class got cancelled before they advertised it. I believe they put out the announcement to let the membership know how useless they are. The congregation was looking for that cat for a good two weeks. That's all they did. We had no weekday Minyin because of that cat. Once we found the cat people were cheering that now evil has been eliminated from this world. Then we saw the cat, attack a mouse. The rabbi always gets the Yad stuck in his Tallis. They’re getting a Yad that has no finger. It’s a new fist Yad the rabbi has insisted on creating. It's like a Jewish power Yad. We have the setting for it. The JDL wants to fund it. At Kiddish, the rabbi used the message of Lech Lecha, where H' tells Avraham to go for himself, to get Bernie to renounce his shul membership and join another congregation. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Noach10/23/2023
Announcements
We ask that the Davening leaders not slow everything down. We understand you don’t find it painful when you don’t have to sit in shul listening to you. Due to the annoyance of you, we’re losing congregants. We are asking that relay races not take place in the halls during Musaf. We ask kids think about retaking up paper football. There is less yelling and less old people get run over by triangular paper towels on a table. We do still ask that people have more control when flicking the paper towels through people's fingers. Aim is requested. How to help Israel??? We are collecting for energy bars. Due to the importance of safety in our community, we will ask the Gabai to step down. With the threat of violence against Jews, we’re worried the Gabai will get attacked for messing up who he chooses for Aliyahs and Hagba. Volunteer day for Israel is coming up. If you can’t come. Donate. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 7:1) H’ tells Noah to go to the ark with his family, ‘because you I have seen to be a Tzadik before me in this generation.’ ‘In this generation’... Yes. I reiterated. I have to repeat stuff, because you are sleeping half the time. If I repeat it, I figure there's a chance you'll hear it... Yes. Sometimes I have to repeat it eight times, just in case you wake up for a second. The messages are that important. And there is no Tzadik in this shul. 'In this generation.' Our shul. I can’t find one Tzadik in this shul. Do you know how easy it is to be a Tzadik in our shul. With the slow Daveners... A Tzadik wouldn't take twelve minutes for the repetition of the Amidah. Chazaras Hashas should take two and a half minutes. People who can’t even lift a hand to help with Shalishudis, when our brethren and sisteren are being attacked... They volunteer in Israel. The whole country is out there trying to help however they can. Little kids are drawing thank you cards of support for soldiers. Watch this. Nobody will come to volunteer day... Because you’re not Tzadiks. If you were in Israel there would be not one drawing for soldiers... Hamas would take the stuff for themselves. They wouldn't give one drawing to their people... It’s about rebuilding. Noah builds an ark. He’s commanded to build... Sarah Shaindel Malki. You were not told to do anything to the kitchen. That was a new LG. You got the idea to rebuild from some HGTV show... They know what they're doing on HGTV. Our shul is not a fixer upper Sarah Shaindel Malki... Human beings build. We don’t destroy. We don’t destroy, unless if you’re Ruchel with your ideas for a Bat Mitzvah Simcha with Miley Cyrus... What does Miley have to do with Torah? It's not a multi-media program... Your husband wanted a Mitzvah volunteer theme. But you said that Kaley (you can't even say her name) needs Miley to connect to H'. Something about cannonballs... There are no cannonballs or DJs in the Torah... H’ decides what must be destroyed. What has to be destroyed? Hamas. The world was full of Hamas... Imagine the board of our shul running the world. We have to rebuild a world without Hamas... Yes. It says Hamas in this week’s Parsha. The world was destroyed because of Hamas... Maybe the Torah knew about Hamas. The terrorist group of Hamas did not exist back then. But their corruption and thievery did... We want to rebuild the kitchen that Sarah Shaindel Malki decorated. It looks so bad. Destroyed the congregation. Stole a decent kitchen that caterers could use. How many microwaves do we need... Then cover the stuff. Buy the plastic covers and you need one, maybe two microwaves... It is through me that this shul must be rebuilt. I am the only Tzadik in this shul. As Noah was the Tzadik of his generation... (7:15) ‘And they came to Noah, into the ark...’ The animals came to Noah. He didn’t have to chase them. They volunteered. You have to take an initiative sometimes, and do something... Because then you will be destroyed. They are all volunteering in Israel now. And we can’t even get one person to help with Shalishudis. I have to chase you. Hamas. Destruction... No. Bernie. Volunteering and donating in the announcements was not a joke... At least donate money. Give something. These aren't dues. Nobody should have to chase you to give money to Israel during these times... I know the 'donate' announcement made no sense. This is why the president of this congregation should step down... You don't know your constituents. Have you seen Shalishudis?! Crackers. That's it. You get crackers. Just crackers. You don't get egg salad when people don't volunteer. When you have our membership... I was playing freeze tag with the congregants... It was like a relay race to get away from the rabbi, or any sort of help. Some people were even playing hot potato with the idea of being useful... And that is why we have no Shalishudis, and the soldiers have no energy bars. We have to rebuild Davening. You destroyed it. Shimon. You have killed our Minyan with your painful Davening. We have to keep him away from the Bima... So slow. Even Bernie finishes before you. And then Kaddish. A random other guy slows the thing down, and you go even slower. How do you go slower than slow?... We slowed it down for you. Then you went slower. No matter what speed we’re at, you go slower. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi has to repeat stuff a lot. One time he repeated his whole sermon. Yankel woke up and asked the rabbi what he was talking about, so the rabbi started the whole thing again. Most congregants don't like Yankel anymore. Nobody knew about the microwave covers. The rabbi had a sale on the plastic microwave covers. He marked them meat and dairy, and he pulled in a bundle. People thought the microwave covers were only made of metal. Which is how all the microwaves at the shul originally got destroyed. The rabbi had a class about the how the metal covers were for hotel room service. They think the shul is their playground. Sarah Shaindel Malki is a failed interior designer. I hate to say it. She can't even design a row of microwaves correctly. And as the rabbi said, 'This isn't Lashon Hara, beacuse she is annoying.' Soldiers want energy bars. After they received a package of homade cookies from our congregants, they insisted on protein and energy bars only. Store-bought. Last year, freeze tag was the game of choice at shul. Now it’s relay races. The rabbi wants to go back to paper football. He says it’s easier to get people to volunteer when they’re not running. I've got hit by those triangular paper towels. Some of these kids have no idea how to flick. Can't flick a triangle between the fingers of the other guy. It's like they're facing the wrong way when they flick. How quickly everybody forgot about what happened in Israel. I heard everybody is volunteering in Israel. In our shul, people are watching videos. That's all they do. They watch videos and say 'I have served my country.' The Davening truly was painful. When they figured out how slow they can go, they went slower. People left. They withdrew their membership thanks to Shimon and Baruch. Bernie does Daven real slow. And even he finished before Shimon got through the first paragraph of the Amida. And Shimon is the one who is always complaining we pray to slow. Once he gets up there, it's different. Shimon somehow knows we all like hearing his voice. He goes into this 1950s crooning to H'. Like he is serenading Gd. I have no problem with serenading Gd. However, you wouldn't want Shimon standing there, at your front door, with his barbership quartet, doing the Kedusha for half an hour. The carzy thing is he picks fast tunes and does them real slow. That makes it even more annoying. The rabbi later explained that he was not praising himself. He was just noting how bad this generation in our shul is. Though, he is a Tzadik for dealing with Ruchel. Her husband can't stand her. She has taken him to so many Miley Cyrus concerts. She forces him. We had a shul volunteer day for Israel, to make packages for the soldiers. One person showed. The energy bars and the underwear were not separated. He didn't have time for that. He just threw them all in a really big box and shipped it. Then he took energy bars home, and some boxers by accident. Donations didn't happen. Everywhere else in the world people gave money. Our congregants were worried that if they gave money they would then be asked to pay their dues. Instead they gave used underwear. A couple people popped in for a minute because they needed some essentials for their own house and they didn't have time to go to Costco. The rabbi gave a class on volunteering. That was not well attended, as you had to volunteer to come to the class. If what I am speaking is Lashon Hara, I am guessing none of you know our community, and you will probably never meet these people, as they would never help with anything. You probably won't see them at shul either. If they're not leading, they don't show up. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit10/14/2023
Announcements
Due to this past week in Israel, we are collecting donations for our new shul bouncy house. We are asking people to do Kaddish in unison. Kaddish is not a popularity contest to see who will get people to answer theirs. We all know nobody likes Baruch. We are asking for the same speed from all Kaddish sayers. Phillip has been speeding ahead and we have noticed that everybody is responding to Phillip's Kaddish, and not Baruch. We understand that most people don’t like Baruch. Even so, he deserves an ‘Amen’ too. Even if nobody likes him. I think we can all agree we liked his parents. The community rally for Israel will not take place at our shul because the Jewish Federation does not want people messing it up. They have seen what our membership can do when they help out. We are going to have a community sing along. This will include members of other shuls that have people with decent voices. ‘Yehi Shalom’ will be the song. As well as ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ They mean something to the rabbi. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 2:15) ‘And H’ took man and placed him in Gan Eden, to work it and guard it’... I didn't mean to start with the 'w' word. I know that scares you. Work scares you. In the meantime, our brothers and sisters are being attacked in Israel. And our kids got destroyed by the Episcopalians in floor hockey... Let’s talk about what we can do. I understand there are worse people out there than our board... We are here to do stuff. We were placed in the Gan Eden to work it and guard it. And that was before you messed it up... It was probably our board. They have messed up so many... Being with our Israeli brothers in a time where evil they were under attack, they guarded our nation with light. People came together. That means they sung ‘Yehi Shalom.’ When the rockets were being shot at Jerusalem we sung.., You sing about peace in Jerusalem’s walls. That’s what we were doing in Jerusalem, in the bomb shelter. Thinking about Gd. About peace. I can tell you. I did not think about our board. I did not think about Shloimy with his questions every time I want to get home after Davening... We are going to sing 'Yehi Shalom' together... Because that’s how you guard the world. A good song... Please stop. For H's sake. Hearing our membership sing makes me question why I was placed here. In this shul. Gd would’ve never given you the job of singing. There's a reason that was for the Levites. This kind of singing can mess up the world... That’s not harmony Yakov. It's bad. Right now, I’m not thinking about Gd. I’m just thinking about how to get Helen to stop. What song are you singing???!!! We're singing 'Yehi Shalom.' Peace be within the walls... When you sing 'Anachnu Maminim' I stop believing. Something about this congregation that just hurts belief... You would've definitely ate from the tree of knowledge. You couldn't even hold off from the potato kugel at Kiddish. You devoured it... You were on a diet. (Bereishit 2:17) The one thing we can’t do is eat from the tree of knowledge, ‘for on the day you eat from it, you shall surely die.’ Like an idiot. The one thing you're told not to do... If you were told to not watch American Idol, you would die. You would watch it and you would die... I ask that we don't have messed up people leading Davening. Because you make me want to kill myself. Knowledge kills people... At least a lot of stupid stuff is said. If we took all the professors in our shul, we would have to listen to a lot of stupidity... Torah is the one bit of knowledge you don’t know... Matrix is not Torah. It was a deep movie. When you make decisions, that’s when there are problems. Knowledge has you doing dumb stuff to this congregation. Discussing Nietzsche at junior congregation... If you didn’t think, you would give Tzedakah to good people. You would donate good stuff. Not classic undershirts… You don’t wear them. They’re not comfortable. That doesn’t make them a good donation. The only thing you thought about was how to get it out of your house… The shul board thinks and there’s death to anything decent... And Yakey thinks he has a decent voice. Donations for the new shul bouncy house??? What is the justification for this? Israel is going through hell... Living as Jews is a good way to fight terror. Yes... You’re not sending the bouncy house to the kids in Israel... How are they going to fly out here for a bouncy house... This is you donation?! You offered displaced people a bouncy house in America… You can live in a bouncy house, Shaindel… Committee meetings. That is how you bring destruction to the world. You mess up everything. That’s why the Jewish Federation doesn’t want the rally at our shul. You’ll have a committee meeting and they’ll call it off. And then nobody will support Israel… Your Kaddish causes disunity. It's almost as bad as Helen and Yakey singing. Israel is how we keep this world moving. How we guard the world. Israel with decent songs... I don't know why. I just know that if you think about it, you'll destroy it. Just get one of our shul committees on it, and you’ll destroy it. Rivka's Rundown The big takeaway from the rabbi's sermon is that diets don't stop people from sinning. It turns out that people on diets eat apples. And our shul members are the reason for anything bad in the world. In the rabbi’s mind, the board represents total evil. Hamas is also bad. But they’re not responsible for the rabbi not getting a raise. The rabbi was in Israel when Hamas did the most vile acts. He sung with our Israeli brothers and sisters. He prayed. As he said, ‘I could’ve never done it with this congregation. I feel like I’m a better Jew when I’m not around our congregants.’ We are honored to have a rabbi that cares so much about Israel, he’s afraid that if we go we’ll mess it up. To quote our rabbi: ‘Peace is not having to think about congregants.’ That is how our rabbi defines Shalom. Shloimy truly hounds the rabbi with questions about Yiddishkeit. The rabbi hates answering those questions. That singing about peace was really disjunctive. There was no unity in our singing. I truly think that our congregation singing about peace will bring disunity. It's good we sung what was meaningful to the rabbi. If the shul did stuff they found meaningful, we would be sunbathing singing The Beach Boys. Ethel loves them. Our shul is selfish. Anything for a fundraiser. I don't think we've ever sent money to Israel. The classic cut undershirts donation to Women for Autism did not make much sense. I think the Finkelwitzs just wanted them out of their house. Those undershirts just choke people. The Finkelwitzs kept the v-necks. The bouncy house is amazing. We're all loving it. If any of our Israel brothers and sisters want to use it when they visit, the committee said they can if they give a donation. Our shul committees truly destroy and program. Our members didn’t end up going to the rally. There was a committee meeting to decide what our shul should do at the rally to show solidarity. A fight between Yankel and Frayda broke out and that was it. It was decided that who gets to decide on the theme for the shul Chanukah party is more important than Israel. And with all of this, they’re still fighting over Kaddish and Aliyahs. The rabbi said that none of this is Lashon Hara, as all of our shul our Rishaim that always do evil things. Tags:
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Announcement
After the patheticness at the last Bat Mitzvah, and the lack of foresight preparing for Simchat Torah, the shul will be hosting mandatory Simcha Dancing classes throughout the month of Cheshvan. Simchat Torah, we’re going to have men and women circles. This way, people will be able to choose where they want to look. Nobody will be forced to focus on the horrific sight of men dancing in a circle. The shul would like to apologize for the Lulavs and Etrogs we picked up this year. To quote Mordechai, ‘The Etrogs were a lemon.’ We do ask that people not hurt each other next year. Lulavs should remain close to the body. They are sharp and they do hurt when you wave them like it’s a Tallis. We also ask you to stop hurting people with your tassels. Next time anybody hits anybody with a Jewish artifact they will get escorted out of the shul by security. With that in mind, we also ask congregants stop swaying back and forth during Davening. Your lack of body control, as exhibited by your dancing, is dangerous. The rabbi will be in Israel for Simchat Torah. As the rabbi expressed in his holiday message, 'There can only be Simcha when there are no congregants.' Rabbi Mendelchem's Guest Rabbi's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom You... (Devarim 33:8-10) Levi is going to carry the Urim and Tumim... Because the Levites didn’t mess up. They’re also going to be the teachers... Because they didn’t mess up everything. This isn’t the Simchat Torah committee... Yes. You messed up. You don’t even know how to dance... It’s the holiday where we dance for the Torah. You have a committee for Simchat Torah and not one of your knows the 'Mayim Mayim BSason'... And the Bat Mitzvah dancing. You don't hold onto the limbo stick to support yourself. The Mei Meriva??? Ahron did Teshuva (Ramban). So, you can’t hold it against him... You were sitting in the back talking all of Musaf on Yom Kippur. Did you do Teshuva for that?! I know it’s hard to repent when Yom Kippur already passed. You were talking the whole of Yom Kippur, in shul... I know it's hard to repent for Yom Kippur, when you need Yom Kippur... And why are we talking about bitter waters. Now you're bitter because you can't dance. The Levites would have taught you how to dance... ‘They kept the covenant.’ They kept the Brit Milah going, even in the desert. They didn't dessert H'... In the desert, they didn't desert. Exactly. They kept the Mitzvot. There's a reason, Shmuel who doesn't know how to dance the Mayim BSason doesn't teach it... ‘They shall teach Your ordinance to Yakov and Your Torah to Israel.’ Not Moishie. Who is Moishie??? You hired the worst Hebrew school teacher... We need teachers who know what holidays are coming up... You don't celebrate Simchat Torah with Matzah balls. We need a better board. We need people who know how to hold a Lulav without whacking people. We need relaxed congregants who don’t get all worked up about Lulavs and Etrogs... It’s the only Mitzvah you care about. And you attacked Max. Max was looking at a Lulav, you bumped him and took it, then poked him... It was a sharp Lulav. He’s 96 years old. There’s a Mitzvah to respect your elders. At least not whack them with branches... It’s because they didn’t mess up. Levi didn’t mess up like Kathryn, who is on the board... From what I have seen here, if you're on the board, you're not a Levite... Cheshvan is called a bitter month, because we have to deal with the congregants, and there are no holidays where the leave... Rivka's Rundown The sermon was given by a guest rabbi. Our rabbi was in Israel. The guest rabbi, only with us for three days, already can't stand the congregation. He didn't see us as his pupils yet, so he called us 'you.' Much of the membership felt that was intimate enough. The Lulav waiving did get violent. Our membership has no waiving control. Being near them during Lulav waiving is almost as dangerous as being near Baruch when he’s putting on his Tallis. Many members have been held up in the hospital with tassel whips. Lulav injuries include: The Hakafot back of the head bump. The pace around the shul wasn't fast enough, so the bottom of Mark's Lulav caught Feivel in the back of his neck. A hand with a Hadas through it. A pair of glasses that went when Ruchel tried waving her Lulav in all directions during Hallel. She hit six people on that. She even hit a little girl who was trying to get to her mom with the down direction Lulav wave. Then there was the black eye from Shalom, who saw a friend and tried to say 'hi' with his Lulav. And then hitting Max. That was wrong. It was over a box. They couldn't even see the Etrogs. So, they were check the boxes for nicks. Max had a pristine Etrog box, so they tackled him. Then he got whacked with a Lulav. The membership seemed to only hear that there was room for men and women to dance. They didn't hear the part about sides. So, it felt like a non-religious wedding. Bernie and Max Schulman tried bringing the traditional separate men's and women's sides. Being that the dancing was so off, and they couldn't control the train, the men ended up dancing on the women's side. The Simcha Dancing classes themselves were painful to watch. Just seeing our members walk in a circle is a painful sight. It seems that the only Jewish dance the congregants know is the shoulder hold, where you hold the shoulders of the guy in front of you. My take: The arm on somebody else’s shoulder does not constitute a dance. They’re doing it because they will fall otherwise. It's for balance. If it was Zumba they could do it. They can't dance normally as Jews. But they can do aerobics. Aerobics is the most Jewish thing our congregants do. I think the rabbi blames the shul board for everything. He blamed them for the teachers at the day school as well. The visiting rabbi even blamed them, and he just met them. The day school teachers know nothing about Judaism. But they do know how to teach Zumba. After the Chag, we heard about the attacks in Israel. We called our rabbi and he said he was safe. I believe he thought we were asking how it was being away from the congregants. He answered, 'I am safe. I haven't had any questions about services here.' Tags:
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Announcements
We are starting a campaign for new members. We've lost many congregants to the Coffee House chain. It turns out that conversation is much more convenient at the Coffee House, where Shacharit doesn't interrupt your conversation and you don't have to talk over a Chazin. We apologize for the cantor leading services and being too loud, interrupting a decent dialogue about Marketplace's food court. The Chazin has picked Yom Kippur tunes that don’t fit the words, to make for a more spiritual Davening. Forgiveness Our Members Should be Requesting: Sorry for my flatulence. Sorry I was never helpful. Sorry for parking like a fool; there were lines; I parked on the line. Sorry for being me. Sorry for never hosting the rabbi. Menachem is religious this week. He will be Davening louder, shuckling more, and walking more hunched over to be closer to Gd before Yom Kippur. Please do not express any anger at him for praying extremely loud. He will go back to his mellow Davening form after Gd forgives him. After Yom Kippur, he will also go back to talking during Davening real loud. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. The earth and heavens listen. They hear all the dumb stuff you say at Kiddish... Me having to listen to it is painful enough... Just knowing how many times they heard you ask Shlomo for forgiveness... You talk Lashon Hara about him right afterwards. And then he hates you for telling him you did it... You should've just said, 'I'm the one who ruined your life...' (Devarim 32:7) ‘Remember the days of the world, understand the years generation to generation. Ask you father and he will tell you, your elders and they will say it to you.' That’s history... Yes. Not being you means something. You know less than the people who have been around. Max knows more than you, Pete. And Sadie is the wisest in our shul. She even knows to stay away from Fran when Fran is talking about how great her grandkids are. You're the smartest Sadie and we can all learn from you... Even if they can’t figure out how to use a laptop, they’re smarter than you... I can care less that you’re eight. If we learned from history, we would know that our tunes don’t fit the prayers. Our Chazin is still trying to fit every note into Kedusha... You threw eighteen words into one note. If we learned from our history, you would know to not say dumb stuff about lawn care, when you know nothing about it. And you wouldn't serve on the board... Because you would've learned from the last time you were on the board that you ruined the shul and made a rabbi want to leave... Me. You would have learned how to park a car... You're looking at a video to park the thing. I don't know if you're watching out for the curb or watching a foreign flick where a guy is parking on the left side of the street... If you learned from history, you wouldn’t tell Shlomo you talked about him... You would know he’ll hate you more again... You told Mark not to do business with him. You killed his Parnasa. The guy can't make a living because you told everybody he has hiccups... No. You don’t learn from the past. Or you wouldn’t have purchased that leaf blower. You guys haven't cared for your lawn in years... Last spring, you mowed the leaves into the grass. Learn from history. Yes... Chani should not be on the board... Bad decisions. Last time you did renovations... We still have a leak. You decorated it. We needed it fixed. We didn’t need a neon lit leak... They will tell you. Trust me. If you ask Bernie for his opinion. I don't think Bernie has ever not shared something that was on his mind... You have no filter Bernie. That's where the Lashon Hara comes from. He hated your outfit, Kathy. On Rosh Hashana, he told everybody... But you have to want to listen. You have to want to hear. You have to ask. ‘Ask your father... your elders.’ They don’t tell you because you don’t ask... Well you have to ask louder. They can’t hear. I tell you stuff all the time. it’s like you’re asking to sin. When you ask if it’s fine to run the gambling racket... The only time they can hear you is when you’re Davening on Yom Kippur. You’re so loud... They know you’re faking. That’s a fake cry... Bernie said it was a fake cry. They know that you don’t shuckle that much... Flipping the Tallit over your head does not make you religious. It just makes you more prone to bumping into stuff... You would've pulled on the string and not the curtain itself if you didn't cover your face with your Tallis... Maybe you would host me for dinner. That is just a nice thing you would do if you learned from... Your grandparents invited me, and they knew how to cook... You wouldn't bring salalmi on a plane and eat it with pickles... Deli smells good in a deli. You talk loud in shul. You do interrupt very loud... Talking loud is OK in a deli. If you're a waitress in a deli... I am not suggesting talking in shul. You talk real loud... You were talking right in front of Bill. He was in the middle of the Amidah and he has to hear about your grandkids... Bernie said you were annoying.... Yes. You talk loud too... Staying away from the farts is hard. I understand that’s why you don’t speak to some of our elders. The elders of our shul do fart loud. Rivka's Rundown Sadie gave a big donation to the shul after the rabbi's sermon. They were eating a pastrami sandwich and trying to figure out why people were angry. It smells disgusting. Shwarma on the flight isn't even as disgusting as deli. There is something about deli that makes it the most disgusting thing to eat in transit. The older people in the congregation complain a lot. And they do that out looud. I appreciate it. The young members are annoying and still can't cook a decent Kugel. The board always wants to renovate. They love renovating. They fix nothing. Just renovate. Every meeting is about a new renovation. They feel like they’re doing nothing if they’re not ruining the shul. Everything has to be new. If it's new it's better. That's the creed. The new chairs with no cushion are not better. Nor is the new Kugel with no noodles. Phil changed seats to not be near the farting. Mishaneh Makom Mishaneh Mazal (you change your place, you change your luck). Very true. But then Marleen pulled out a turkey pastrami sandwich. They truly just come to shul for good conversation. That and Kiddish. This is why everybody gets mad at the Chazin. He gets in the way of decent conversation. And when he's real Chuzpadik, Musaf carries over ten minutes into Kiddish. The shul board asked for less talking in shul. That chased away the congregants. The announcement in the Middle of Musaf sounded like this: 'We don't mean to offend Chani and Michel that talk all of Davening.' Chani and Michel don't come anymore. They figured that it's easier to talk at the Coffee House. It's a great chain with no rabbi. Mark and Lisa also left the shul. They joined a country club. It turns out the dues were less at Bergowitz Country Club. It doesn't sound classy, but Bergowitz is pulling in tons. It's a country club with a Jewish experience, which means golf. Tons of Jewish have opted for Bergowitz over shul. They are happy losing congregants. The talk at Kiddish was, 'If there is no talking in shul, then way come.' I personally love when the board gets up to make the announcement to not talk in shul. Then they go back to their seats and talk. I think it's best people don't talk. All they talk is Lashon Hara. A lot of Lashon Hara and not learning from history. One day a year, they don't talk Lashon Hara. They become religious for a day. Yom Kippur comes and they're flipping their Tallis over their head. The tunes never fit the prayers. The Chazin picks a tune he likes and he forces in the whole Kedusha to it. The rabbi wouldn’t eat anywhere anyways. He doesn’t trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision) at our houses, or that we’re Jews. The congregants would fire the rabbi if he ate at their homes. They would never want a rabbi who thought they were good Jews. Tags:
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Announcements
If you heard the Chazin this Shabbis, that is what it’s going to be like for the High Holidays. We, the board, want to apologize. Give the rabbi a break. A little space. When he's walking, please stop following him with questions. The rabbi has stated he will file for restraining orders against congregants who have too many questions. He would also like you to know that when he's walking on the treadmill at the JCC, he does not want to have conversation. Rosh Hashana Resolutions Our Members Should Make: I will not chew with my mouth open. I won’t eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. Selichot are this Saturday night. Maybe be a decent person. Maybe show up to Minyin. Maybe ask for forgiveness once in a while. Maybe mow your lawn and trim your hedges so the neighbors don’t hate you. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... To all those here. Much respect. It is Elul and it is the time to ask for forgiveness. With our Chazin, who takes way too long for everything, and this week being a double Parsha, the pain you are suffering should be an atonement. You've done a positive action for once... (Devarim 30:2-3) ‘And you will return to H’ your Gd and you will listen to His voice... And H’ will return your captive and have mercy...’ He will return us to Eretz Yisrael. We won’t have congregants following us everywhere. We’ll be redeemed from having to deal with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. We won’t have to deal with a Chazin who thinks it’s a good idea to do a two hour Selichot at midnight. We will be redeemed... Redemption would be great. I’m just looking for congregants to stop following me. First we return, then H' will return us to Israel. First you have to do an action... I can't do everything for your Shloimy. There is no intermediary between you and H'... I'm trying to get you to stop following me home from Shul with questions... Redemption comes after we return. You have to do something first. Then H' will help us. You have to put in a little effort, unlike the board who does nothing useful. You have to resolute. Maybe you can stop coming to me with annoying questions. Stop chewing with your mouth open. Nobody wants to sit next to you during Kiddish... H’ promises us we will do it... No, you haven’t repented. Hanging out at The Stop... Stop taking credit for hanging out with your buddies and drinking. That's not Teshuva. You have to put in some effort. Unlike the effort you put into showing up to shul on time. The effort you put into prepping for football games. Why you have the Bills Rams colors on you...You’re not even going to the game. You live nowhere near LA. Do you dress up to bother your wife?! Rosh Hashana is coming... Yes. I’m talking about Teshuva. I’m not talking about who you should pick for the game. You don’t come to shul to pray for a fantasy win... It’s going to be a painful holidays with the Chazin. Having to hear him should be our atonement. (Devarim 30:6) ‘H’ your Gd will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, to love H’ your Gd, with all your heart and all your soul, that you may live.' You don't decide if you live... You decide if you do Teshuva. You decide if you're going to bother me on the treadmill. You decide if you're going to bet on a game... Make it good. Circumcision is done by Gd. You have to show Him love and try to not be annoying… Maybe decide to show up to Minyin on time. Maybe share your armrest. Circumcise a bit of your armrest, to share it… Ibn Ezra teaches that the circumcision of the heart is that Gd will remove the spiritual impediments that get in the way of full repentance. Like congregants and Bernie... H’ will assist us. After we put in some effort and return. If we don't mess up the services, He will help us get out... You have to do for yourself. Stop following me. I can't get two minutes of a Shpatzir without somebody attacking me from the side with questions about the new chapel project... Let me walk. I need a circumcision so I can walk without getting harassed by a congregant.. ‘That you may live.’ Are we truly living here? Are you living when you pick a running back and they get injured in the first quarter?!… Are you living if Sam and Bayla are chewing next to you… Teshuva helps you live. And you need to be strong to do Teshuva. Michel can’t even do Hagba. The problem is you don’t believe. (Devarim 31:6) ‘Be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid and don’t be broken from before them, for H’ your Gd, He that goes with you, will not release you and will not forsake you.’ You need a bit of belief in Gd. You have to know that He is there to circumcise you… Yes. Even after the eighth day Gd can circumcise us again… If we know Gd is there, we can be courageous and strong. We know that there will be a day where we can walk to shul without being harassed with questions about Selichot and how long Davening will be this Rosh Hashana. A day where congregants will understand that they have to show up on the second day to hear Shofar. Congregants that are smart enough to know you don’t blow on Shabbat. A day where you don’t have to answer questions about which tuna is more environmentally sound… That’s why you’re weak and you can’t do it. You have no belief. You think that you’ll be lost without a whole row to yourself. You’re too weak to share… I saw you lose the elbow fight last Sukkot... Being strong and courageous. You don’t show your strength by elbowing the guy next to you in the chest and knocking him off his chair... You have to open up the seats for other people on the High Holidays. You need to be circumcised again. Either that, or we’re going to get pews… Israel doesn’t have enough space for people to not share. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always talks about Teshuva, repentance, on Shabbat before Rosh Hashana. The resolution message is very good. Rachel needs to hear it. She has to resolute to not talk during Davening, and to be less annoying. I think another resolution our congregation can do is to only tell decent jokes this year. The amount of time I have been stuck listening to bad jokes by Merv, it’s not right. The ‘change’ message was very good. Just change. That was the rabbi’s message to the congregants. I believe he said ‘don’t be you’ at some point. I believe that was the most important message for Sam. The message of effort went nowhere. Nobody in the shul puts in any effort. The Machzorim (High Holiday Siddurs) on Rosh Hashana were in storage. Nobody put them out. People had to go to storage during Rosh Hashana services to find the box and take a Machzor. We had people that had never been in shul before treasure-hunting prayer books in the dark. Then, they couldn’t find the key. So, random people we never saw at shul before broke down the door. I believe the rabbi's idea of redemption is not having to see congregants. The resolution ideas to resolute went nowhere. They still carry around disgusting smelling food. And they all chew so loud. With the way they hum while they eat, it’s like a wind-instrument section. You can't sit next to any of the congregants at Kiddish. And I know there will be armrest fights again at shul this Yom Kippur. The way they fight over the armrests. One turned from elbowing into a full-on wrestling match. Himelstein ended up pulling the chair out of the bolts and slamming the other guy with it. The way the fight continued was 'you only come once a year.' And then the other responded, 'That's why the rabbi likes me.' Most of the men are not used to sharing seats. They still put their stuff on every seat in the row, to ensure nobody sits next to them. One seat is there for the guy’s glasses. The Stop is a hangout for mid to late twenties. A parent opened it and figured that the clientele would get the message to stop. They were used to telling their children to stop. I know this, because they’re always yelling at their kids in shul. They figured that telling their clientele to stop before they came into the establishment would get across the message that whatever they’re doing is wrong. Anything they’re doing. They truly follow the rabbi. I saw a woman Follow him all the way to shul. I have never seen the rabbi walk so fast. Yet, she kept up with him. Her Yenta abilities are amazing. They even allow her to speed walk. She went two miles out of her way. The congregants are willing to walk an extra two miles just to share their complaints. One went on for forty five minutes about the new faucet in the bathroom, and how the handle isn’t long enough for them. One congregant followed the rabbi eight miles to ask him if she bet on the Cincinnati Bengals. I don't know how you run up to somebody on a treadmill. But they do it. The rabbi put out a restraining order on all congregants. He is finally able to go to the JCC and get a decent workout in. The rabbi has put out stay away orders to the congregants. However, that just sounded rude. So, the board left it at restraining orders. Now the rabbi has his job in perpetuity. The shul will never fire the rabbi. They’re too afraid that he’ll sue for harassment. The Chazin was painful. I am very much with the rabbi. They care about football. The members come to shul to pray for a fantasy win. This past Shabbis, the rabbi got no questions about the High Holiday services. All questions were 'who's going to win week one?' A good dozen members asked if they should pick the Jets. Mark has a Bills cape. Like he's the team superhero fan. We live nowhere near Buffalo. One of our members is going for Smicha, rabbinic ordination, now. They're looking to become a community rabbi. They asked our rabbi if they should study psychology and counseling. The rabbi suggested that he study scouting reports. That is useful. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tavo9/3/2023
Announcements
You can't just take over the shul and every Kavod you want. This announcement is meant for Shloimy. You can't take over the Amud and start leading. There are mourners. They have a Chiyuvs. That means, they lead prayers. Not Shloimy. From now on, people have to be asked to do Kibudim, honors. People cannot honor themselves and say they were honored. Being honored is when somebody else honors you. If you're blowing the shofar, please practice. People can't help but to laugh at a bad shofar blow. It sounds like you're sitting behind Bernie and he's bending. And Bernie should not bend in shul. If somebody wants to take a Kavod, here are Kavods you can take: Helping set up Kiddish. Cleaning the shul before Shabbis. Being one of the first ten at Minyin. Visiting the sick during your free time. Mow the shul’s lawn. Paying your dues on time. That's a Kavod most members of the shul have not taken yet. Selichot are coming up next Saturday night. The Chazin will be doing his thing. You'll want to avoid shul from midnight till 1:30am. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. You bring your first fruits to Jerusalem... I understand your neighbors are important. You can make them a fruit basket… Your first fruits go to Jerusalem... And you have to give Maaser too. I know it's painful to tithe. The office hasn’t received your money for a chair this Yom Kippur… You don't make random decisions and just take the food like you took over Davening and the honor of opening the ark. There are rules… You only give a dollar to the Tzedakah box at shul. H’ wants more than that. (Devarim 26:13-15) After you tithe you say before H', 'I have removed the holy from the house, and I have given to the Levis, the convert, the orphan and the widow, like all You have commanded me. I have not transgressed any of the Mitzvot, and I have not forgotten...' You would have to lie, Shaindel... You don't keep the Mitzvot… Not Mark Levi. The tribe of Levi... I know Mark takes credit for everything and oversteps every Kavod in shul… It’s about first giving to others and appreciating.... Before H' means Jerusalem. Not Topeka. But you can say it in Netanya if you're stuck… I am not going to lie. Your shofar blowing needs work. You should be saying to H’, ‘I have transgressed practicing…’ Your blowing sounds funny. It's messed up... Of course we laugh. Not at you. At the Shofar being blown bad. It sounds like Bernie bending... Yes. You blew it. Then we ask H' to look upon us and bless us... You first have to do Mitzvahs. You first don’t don’t mess up. Maybe if you didn't sin all the time… I said nothing about Donald Trump... What does Trump have to do with first fruits and tithing… No. Stop blaming him for you having to give Tzedakah and tithing... Donald Trump does not have to bring Bikurim… You can't take from mourners. That doesn't lead to blessing. You would have to say, ‘I have transgressed the Mitzvot of taking away Shacharis from Tzvi.’ You took the Amida for Mincha... There were mourners... I know I was late. They weren't... You guys share nothing. The Anim Zemirot kids are bullies. And the ark opener… The kid is kindergarten. Your kid should share with the other five year old… They’re not Aveylim. They’re not mourning. They’re in nursery school. Share… You can't be the Gabai and the Chazin. You decided it should be you. If you give yourself it's not an honor. You have to be asked for it to be an honor... I know you give yourself a lot of Kavod… Shloimy. You kicked him off the Bima… They lost their dad. You don’t kick them off the stage for leading… He’s not a Chazin. He’s got a Chiyuv. And nobody likes when you lead Shloimy… Then why are you always leading?! You ask yourself. You walk around to your seat and ask you. Then you say yes… Rivka's Rundown The rabbi had everybody rolling with the ‘you blew it’ line. They just took over. The rabbi wasn't there and they took over. One guy sat in the rabbi's seat. I don't even think we need a Gabai. People just take Kavods. People take stuff. Pesukei Dzimra. Shacharit. Nobody asked them. They took it. Even when Shloimy isn’t there, somebody takes it. I don't think we need a Gabai. One guy went up for an Aliyah. No name. Wasn’t called. Just went up and did Barchu. One guy started teaching a class. One of the women took over the sisterhood. She has the bank account. Nobody else has access. It’s hers. She took it. One guy took a couch and started sleeping on it. One guy did a program in the parking lot. Started a BBQ on shul premises. Nobody needs to tell our members to take initiative. One guy took . And the Anim Zemirot. We have 7 year olds claiming their Kavod. The problem is nobody questions anything. They are that oblivious to tradition. One guy started reading the Qur'an. Some members thought it was a Torah commentary. That class went on for a month, before they realized the guy taking initiative was an imam. One guy took the rabbi's seat at Kiddish. Just sat there. Rabbi wasn't there. He took initiative and became rabbi for the day. Nobody said anything. They assumed the guy was the new rabbi. Nobody took the available Kavod of cleaning the sanctuary. Simcha said he would do it, but the shul wasn't willing to put up a plaque for his helping. Then the Gabai calls himself up. His job is to make sure people are called up. Then he calls himself up. The rabbi stopped him when he started to take the second Aliyah too. A whole letter was sent to every congregant to reiterate the message of giving other people Kavods. The message: You have to share Kibudim even when the rabbi is not around. It turns out nobody got the letter. And nobody wants to share. Sharing Anim Zemirot is not happening. People have to laugh at bad Shofar blowing. At Minyin this week, it sounded like the shofar blower let one rip. Sorry. I had to say it. After the blow one guy yelled ‘doorknob’ and started hitting his friend until he finished saying LDavid H’ Ori. Everything the rabbi says comes back to Trump. Anything about sinning, some of the congregants jump to Trump. One of the women forgot to pay the town school tax. She blamed Trump. Middle of rabbi’s sermon, she yelled out Trump. It’s a tick a lot of people in our congregation have developed. Anything that goes wrong, they yell Trump. The members never give more than a dollar to Tzedakah at shul. The Tzedakah box goes around, they can put in a 20. They’re taking back 19. I think they just give Tzedakah to get change. One of our members parks at a meter every Shabbis. It’s very embarrassing. The only day she wants to give Tzedakah is on Shabbis, when it’s forbidden. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Teitzei8/27/2023
Announcements
High Holiday seats are for sale now. To get good ones, near the back of the shul, near the door, away from the rabbi and the Chazin, you should purchase them soon. The price on the seats next to quick escape routes will be going up soon. Warning: We have a new Chazin. Please don't sit next to anybody at daily Minyin. The regulars have complained that people are showing up to Minyin. The members of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah don't like when people sit next to them. Do not move the watches and coats. Watches and coats need seats. So, please don't complain if you see a watch on a chair. There are chairs people and chairs for time pieces. Kaddish is off still. The sound coach made it worse. Now some of the members think they can sing. That is not good for anybody. The rabbi has ordained that from now on, Kaddish can only be chanted. Not sung. For good gas prices in the area, BJ's. They're the best. Bridge event will be taking place at shul this Sunday. The shul will finally be full. Even congregants are planning to show. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 22:1-3) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or sheep cast off and hide yourself from them; you shall return them... If your brother is not near you and you don't know him, then gather it into your house... and return it to him. And so shall you do for his donkey, and so shall you do for his clothing, and so shall you do for any lost article of your brother... and you shall not hide yourself.' You borrowed clothes from the shul clothes drive. Never gave them back, Rivki... You're hiding the clothes. We know it... I don't know how this guy doesn't know his brother. The donkey is not related. It's just that it's his donkey, so you help it... You should help a donkey too. I read the whole thing, because none of you help. You don't hide yourself from helping. From being useful. You don't hide. From giving Tzedakah, you don't hide. Unless if the guy needs the money. Then they start knocking on your door and showing up. From being on time to Minyin, you don't hide. From Melvin's extremely bad jokes, you don't hide... He needs somebody to tell them to. You don't hide?! You cross the street when members of the shul are coming... We know you see us... The way you guys hide from helping... Saying 'hello' is helpful. It helps people have a decent day. That's why you guys don't do it. I have seen you in the corner, Shmuel. Hiding behind a chair... You're sixty-three years old. It was like you were playing hide-and-seek from volunteering... You're sixty-three. Help. (Devarim 22:4) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or ox fall on the road and hide yourself from it; you shall stand it up with him.' Why the Torah needs to tell you to help. To not be a selfish... Commandments to help. Yes... I know it's scary. You don't help. I don't know why the donkeys and oxen... No. They didn't have cars then. If somebody needs help with a car. You help them... Yes. You stand it up. You should be working out... You're too weak to be helpful. At Kiddish, you've never taken out a soda. It's as if the two liter bottles are too heavy for you. And the seltzer... The seltzer is one liter... They're all volunteers. They all pay dues... Your watch is on the seat two down from you. You have to buy two seats for the High Holidays. If you don't want anybody sitting next to you, because you're not helpful and selfish, you have to buy two seats... Maybe your children would show up if you bought them seats. You buy them tickets to the Peacock games... Nobody on that team helps. They're the worst football team... If somebody lost their High Holiday seats, you return it to them... All Jews are brothers. If you see it that way, you'll help. You don't see each other as brothers... I know you hate your siblings... You can't hide from helping people. That's the point. You can't hide from saying hello... We see you turn your head. Then, when you do say 'Hi' to them, they don't like you... They say 'Hi' back because they're not jerks like you. They know you're only saying hi now because you want to make your way to the babka... Helping somebody play bridge. I don't know if that's a Mitzvah. Your Kaddish is helping nobody. It hurts. Hearing you mess it up hurts. That's not a Mitzvah... (Devarim 22:8) A man can't wear woman's clothing and woman can't wear a man's clothing... No. Sima is not wearing men's clothes. Her dress is just ugly. The pattern is messed up. I know it looks off... Yes. You would have to return that dress as well. If you found it on the side of the highway, like Sima did, you would have to return it to her... Even if it's ugly... Help. Every once in a while, be a useful individual. Rivka’s Rundown Now that was a good message. 'Help.' People in our congregation need to hear that. Some of the membership was shocked and complained to the board that the rabbi's message was offensive, and they should never be asked to help. Some of the members didn't show up to shul for a month after the sermon, in fear they'll be asked to volunteer. The whole sermon there was a kid screaming outside. Not one person got up to help them. It turns out they fell and broke their arm. Some congregants never come. They only make it for the High Holidays and bridge events. What they have in common? They only happen once a year, and Bernie never gives up his seat. More Jews showed up to the bridge tournament than shul. If we would just have a card game in the chapel, people would show up for Minyin. The membership truly only wants to know decent gas prices. That's why they come to shul. The office gets calls every day for where a decent place to get gas is. BJ's definitely has the best deal. They used to come for doctors. But now the doctors at shul are asking for copays to talk to them at Kiddish. I do pray the rabbi's new rule of chanting only holds up. The people can't hold a tune. I believe the song teacher quit the profession after working with out congregants. She said the congregants convinced her that she has no song teaching abilities. To quote, 'I can't even teach Bernie to hold a note for two seconds.' Some congregants speed through Kaddish, liken they're trying to lose the other mourners. It's not right. What people will do to not have to sit next to somebody else in our shul. The fact the board had to make the announcement to not sit next to people. You can't sit next to some of these older guys in the shul. It seems like each decade they add to their life, they take up another twelve feet of chair. This is why I'm against the new pews they're planning to put in the shul. Each person will take a bench. It will move from a 480 seat shul to a fifty seat shul. We should just have chairs spaced ten feet apart. They truly do take up rows. His hat has a seat too. I thought they were all selfish. You see a chair with a Kippah on it. But then who wants to sit next to Bernie. I don't want to talk about Sima's dress. Not the nicest thing. They just don't want to help. To quote Malki, 'If we all pay dues, why are we all the ones that have to work?! I'm going to start eating out. You don't have to volunteer at a restaurant. Restaurants are cheaper, and they clean up the place.' People are so not helpful in our community. Somebody was sick. They asked them to make chicken soup for the congregation. Pathetic. What our membership will do to not help. One guy started crying. He had a temper tantrum when the rabbi asked him to help put the Schach on the Sukkah last year. Putting out the Machzorim, people run. Just a meaningful Parsha. The holding onto it lesson was also meaningful. I think it's time I returned the Game Boy I borrowed when I was fifteen. Sometimes you need reminders. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shoftim8/21/2023
Announcements
No more cursing people under your breath, especially when it's loud. When Michi does a breath out, he's mad. We are noting that to all in the congregation, as some members thought Michi likes them. He doesn't. He did a breath out the other day when the babka was taken out too early. He is actually cursing you out when he does the breath out. We are sorry about the visitor. His Kaddish was not in tune and not on beat with our shul's cadence. Baruch leads the Kaddish. We must follow him, even though it's very slow and tedious and kind of makes you want to not live. Let's not blame the guest for everything. Kaddish in our shul is still not on beat and without unison, without the guest. A special consultant singer will be coming this week to teach our congregants how to be in unsion for Kaddish. They will also choose who the Chazin leader will be. BE"H it will not be Baruch. He is so off tune. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Layner took a long time today... You were reading from the Torah. You were not asked to meditate over it. And then the Haftorah. I feel like I'm sitting through Yom Kippur here... And Yom Kippur is coming soon... It's Elul, Baruch. You should feel guilty. Teshuva. You have too much. That's the problem... (Devarim 17:15-19) When you have a king, they should not have too many horses. Not too many wives. Not too much money. And he shall 'write for himself two copies of the Torah...' And they should not have a Layner that takes too much time... Mishneh. Two. You don't lose copies?! After every one of my classes, I see sheets laying around. Mishnah is to also learn. Two copies. To learn them... He should learn it. The king is not looking for a second job as a scribe. He should learn it. 'And he shall read it all of his days.' Reading is learning... We call it learning. You don't read Torah. You learn it. You learn it out loud. Learning is out loud... Learning is learning. That means reading. Learn how to say Kaddish right... Yes. A more upbeat Kaddish. Kaddish is about celebrating life. Not hearing Baruch dying... It sounds like you're dying. That's how slow your Kaddish is... Why learn it? Why all this not having too much? 'So that he will learn to fear H' his Gd, to observe all of the words of the Torah...' It's because you don't learn. And you have too many horses. Equestrianism is Asur... Then just have one horse. Does your family need a third car?! You have too much stuff. The one thing you don't have too much of is Jewish values. I said it... No more under breath cursing. When you curse somebody under your breath, they hear you. They hear your under-breath cursing... You whisper very loud, Michi.... You called him an idiot... You don't learn the Torah under your breath. Because then it would sound like you're cursing the Torah. H' doesn't want kings cursing the Torah... Your breath out is offensive too. Even when you suck in the stuff between your teeth it sounds offensive... Use a toothpick. (Devarim 17:20) 'So that his heart doesn't become haughty.' It's about values. Haughtiness does not go along with Torah values. Having a lot and Layning very slow do not go along with Torah values. Your breath out is a haughty heart.... Cause you expect stuff. You expect Chazins to not take 18 minutes for Haftorah... You're not making Challah... You're not breathing out for your health. It's like you expect something. Kings should not breath out either. The Layner made me want to do a breath out... And it shortens you days. Haughtiness and having too much stuff shortens your days. As does being the rabbi of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. When you have too much your days are shortened... Because you have to take care of the horses. Donations... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi just ended on 'donations.' A non sequitur. I think he's prepping for the Yizkur Appeal. Yom Kippur is where the rabbi shines. And he knows how good he does based on the money that they flip on the cards. He would judge the success based on the money that comes into the shul. But people pledge a lot more than they donate. The announcements always have spelling mistakes. 'Unsion.' I have no idea what that means. The shul Kaddish tune is off. It's a weird one. One guy made it up and he forces everybody to follow. Truth is, it's impossible to get the Kaddish sayers in unison in our shul. They all mourn their own way, and it is very loud. Who was the guest? That's a Chutzpah. You come into a shul and you learn the Kaddish cadence. Got to keep quiet and learn our shul tune, then join the Kaddish. It's a real damper on the mourning process when a random throws off the Kaddish. I don't know what it is. Everybody has their own beat. We need a metronome for our shul Kaddish. Truth is, I think the guest was the only one who was in tune and on beat. The rabbi did a step away during his sermon- a great move. It added a good amount of drama. Then he stepped back to the lectern and people stopped listening again. The congregants got the wrong idea. They thought that now they're kings. The rabbi should've never taught them lessons from kings. Now, they all park in the disabled parking spot. Michi breathes out all the time. He did a huge breath out when the guy took the coffee off the coffee maker too soon. It's either a breath out or straight up curse. I would rather the straight up curse. With some of the older members of the congregation, you have no idea what they're saying. Some curse people with blessing them. One woman always says, 'She should live and be well.' That's when she hates them. I learned that's a curse, as she said, 'Michi should live and be well.' I hope it's not Lashon Hara. Michi is a good guy. Just an angry guy. Davening is taking way too long. I almost had to do a breath out. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Re'eh8/13/2023
Announcements
Davening wait between Mincha and Maariv will be 43 minutes. It's on the calendar. People have been asking us why it's on the calendar. That is not our concern. We can't answer that. It is on the calendar. Therefore it's the right time. To answer your questions: We don't know who put it on the calendar. We will also be celebrating the Simchawitz wedding a week early. Our scheduling team messed up the time on the calendar. Hence, the Simchawitzs are cancelling their hall reservation, and rescheduling. Phil shaved. It's him. He just has a double chin now. We are stopping the Shul Wordle. It's too complicated for our membership. The word was 'dues' and nobody got it. 'On-time' was the other word nobody could figure out. Class this week is on why you are going broke on summer camp. We will discuss canteens and how much you're willing to pay to not have to see your kids for the summer. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 12:12) 'And you shall be happy before H".' Happy. A commandment to be happy. To not spend time with the congregants of Beis Kneses Beis Emes uSefilah... I look to the front left and I get depressed. Your whole section exudes depression... (Devarim 12:14) 'Only in the place that H' chooses... there you will bring your elevation offerings and there you will do all that I command you.' Like not having random card nights in the chapel. How a bridge game happened there is beyond me. I walked in to see you playing bridge... Paper football is fine. You can play paper football in the chapel. Paper football is a Jewish game... Yes. That's in Jerusalem. You can't sacrifice in Topeka. That would be plane animal cruelty... We're doing a good job of not being happy here. I can tell you that I fulfill the Mitzvah every day. With the Finkelwitz Kiddish... There was no Babka. We can't be happy... When I come to Minyin and I have to listen to Shmuel leading, I'm not happy... Your voice is horrendous. We have to be happy. Yet. There are rules. Jerusalem is one... You can be happy in Topeka, just now with sacrifices or with our membership... With the congregants in the front left, you can't be happy. It's not a commandment to not be happy, You just can't bring sacrifices here... Sacrifices truly make you happy. Sacrifices could maybe put a smile on Avital's face... Meat makes us happy. Exactly. Why did you shave? You look like an idiot... I could've told you. You don't shave. There is stuff under there. You had no idea. Now, you smile and it looks weird. You smiling without your beard looks scary... I can tell you. Driving to shul is not keeping Gd's commandments. You have down the part of not being good Jews outside of Yerushalayim... I know it makes you happy. I'm not happy, because we are in Topeka. Not Jerusalem... Of course you have to do Mitzvot here. It just means nothing... You can be happy here. You're just no before H'... Not with the wait between MIncha and Maariv. Not with Baruch sitting in the front left. Who's the idiot that is making us wait forty-three minutes?... This is why we're not happy. This random calendar was put together fifty-six years ago, and now we have to stick to it... That is not tradition. That is a mistake. They based it on the solar calendar. It's not even a Jewish calendar. Yom Kippur does not fall out on September 25th every year... Yes. The Finkelwitzs are happy they got rid of their kid for the summer. And I am happy the shul Wordle is finally over. You can be happy. You just can't eat. (Devarim 12:18) 'You will eat before H' in the place H' chooses.... and you will be happy before H".' There are places to be happy. That is Jerusalem. Not here. Not with a forty-three minute Mincha Maariv. And Phil's double chin does not make anybody happy. Cover it up. You scared the kids... You can be happy here. It's just that you can't. Not with the front left. Can we be happy no in Jerusalem? Can we be happy in Topeka? With a congregation that doesn't even know how to play Wordle? Can you be happy in Jerusalem with our membership? No... The word was 'on-time.' If it was 'late' you would've gotten it. If it was 'drink alcohol before Musaf' you would've gotten it. If it was You can't be happy at camp, not in Jerusalem, when you're paying 12K for three weeks. Certain activities you do make you happy... Not seeing Phil without a beard makes me happy... Rivka’s Rundown The parents are truly not happy spending 12K a kid for camp. That's what makes it a Mitzvah. It's a way for them to feel the mourning of the Temple. They had a paper football tournament during Davening. Now you can't even concentrate for prayers in the chapel. Constant paper football playing going on. Since the rabbi's sermon, paper football is tantamount to learning Torah and living in Jerusalem. I had no idea it was Phil. He's a different man without the beard. The beard truly works for Phil. It's an excellent fat camouflage for him. The rabbi finally called somebody an idiot. I have been waiting for that for years. Messed up Davening times. They're fools. The 'on the calendar' thing is getting very annoying. They miswrote the wedding. The Simchawitz family had to pay eight thousand dollars for that faux-pa. 'It's on the calendar, so we do it.' That's the decision of the board. I am assuming that fifty years ago, the board members were just as dumb as they are now. The calendar got the date for Rosh Hashana wrong. The board almost decided to celebrater Rosh Hashana a week early. The shul Wordle game was a very frustrating project. That's all people were doing during the week. At least those discussions stopped me from having to hear about their children and their lawns. Everybody has been talking about their lawns this summer. And they all look disgusting. Unmowed. Trees not trimmed. Phil took more off his face than the Feinblooms took off their lawn. I couldn't believe nobody got 'on-time.' I can tell we didn't get a Minyin till 10:15am that day. The rabbi was waiting a very long time for people to show up. To make people happy, the rabbi decided we're going to have a weekly gaga game on Shabbis afternoons, before Shalishudis. Gaga makes people happy. I think it's the whacking the ball at other members of the shul that you can't stand. It brings a smile to your face. The rabbi said, 'We're not in Jerusalem, and we can't sacrifice animals. Even so, we can be happy if we hurt each other.' Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ekev8/6/2023
Announcements
We are asking people to not exercise during Kiddish. Exercise showing at Kiddish is making families uncomfortable. Parents have stopped bringing their kids to shul, in fear that their child will have to see Ben in an ungodly position doing burpees. The enhanced Kiddish this week is sponsored by the shul. Nobody has given anything to the Kiddish. Just letting you know. Again, nobody has stepped up to support the food. Dues will be raised due to Kishka. Please wait till after Layning to drink alcohol. We understand it's hard to be in shul and listening to the Torah untoxicated. Your families are in shul and we see your children. We all have reasons to drink. Understood. And there's a Chazin. He'll bring you to drinking. Support local businesses. People are complaining the butcher raised his prices. It is a communal shop. We understand it is a business. But it is a community business. He needs your support. So, you have to buy from the butcher to go to heaven. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 8:11) 'Guard yourself, lest you forget H' your God, by not keeping His Mitzvot...' The back left of the shul... That's what happens when you don't guard yourself. You start drinking in the middle of services... You can't remember Gd when you're nursing a hangover with alcohol and sleeping during the sermon. I don't even know if Rick hears this... You definitely forgot to support the butcher. When I saw you at Kroger. In the meat section!!! You forget Gd when you don't do Mitzvot. When you go out and drink during Layning every Shabbis... You're sleeping. You definitely forget to stay up for Davening. You were snoring during the Kedusha. It's because you have it too good. You have too much money. You buy single malts. You become snobby. If you were a decent person, drinking Smirnoff and Farbrengening, you would be good Jews... A Farbrengen is where you drink for H'. (Devarim 8:12-14) 'Lest you eat and be satisfied, and build good houses... and your heart grows haughty, and you forget the Lord, your Gd, Who has brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage'... and flocks too. Yes. I am suggesting slavery... It's because you have money. If you were broke, you would believe in Gd more. I've never seen Mike with his Mercedes praying to Gd. Ruchel and her Porche, cruising... Never have I heard Uncle Moishy coming out of those vehicles. Their listening to the Dixie Chicks. You get an ego when you have a second-story on your house. I've seen you walking up the flight of stairs with pride... It's ego. You've forgotten Gd. You get an ego when you have sheep. You get an ego and you froget H'. You stop sponsoring Kiddish. You start to think that you don't have to buy from the butcher anymore... I know he charges a lot. You buy from him, you go broke, and you start praying to H' again... So, that you can afford meat. The problem is you enjoy the food too much. Try the Schwartzman Kugel. You eat their food for Shabbis lunch and you'll want to pray to H' for a decent dinner. You'll remember H'. I am suggesting slavery and starving a bit. Then you'll appreciate the Schwartzmans... Yes. That is being Jewish. Eight dollars a pound of chicken is a Mitzvah. The butcher is a person too... You have it good. You have a nice home. You can pay thirty dollars for a pound of lox. And the butcher has forgotten Gd... Layning is going on 'I need alcohol.' That is your response. You've forgotten H'. You're so focused on yourself. You're doing stretches in the middle of Musaf... Yes. It's awkward. I can't even go to Kiddish without seeing you in some kind of tumbling routine. Russian twists right near the Kichel?! Do you do Russian twists at the butcher?! That would keep customers out. If you weren't intoxicated, you would understand that Russian twisting is wrong in the middle of Layning, on the Bima... No. You don't need to stretch for an Aliyah. Rivka’s Rundown I suggested butcher memberships. If they pay dues, people won't feel bad when spending twelve dollars on a hot dog. After reading the announcements, I am not going to heaven. I don't have enough money for heaven. I am broke enough to believe in Gd, but too broke to go to heaven on a fifteen dollar piece of shnitzel. This is a catch twenty-two. By the way, there's a lot of sheep ego in our shul. What is about shul that makes people need to drink? Is it the Ner Tamid light over ark? Is it Shabbis? I heard the guy go over to his friend during the Chazaras Hashatz (the cantor's repetition of the Amidah prayer), 'I need alcohol right now.' He truly needed it. Couldn't wait till Musaf. He was in shul and needed a drink. The guy just got to shul. Being in shul caused an anxiety attack that he might have to go through a whole seven Aliyahs sober. Ben has gotten real involved in the gym life. Now he shows people his exercises. Forget about shul, It looks weird to see somebody exercising in public anywhere. Even in a park it looks weird. There are kids at the jungle gym and this guy is doing pull-ups and burpees. I asked him to show me. In my defense. I thought Russian twists were a baked good. The rabbi's lesson is beautiful. You go broke, you have it bad. That is how you believe in H'. And that is why half of the membership doesn't pay dues. What are these enhanced Kiddishes?! I'm getting bothered by the word 'enhanced.' It's a Kiddish. If there isn't brisket it's not being enhanced. Still can't stand the word. Call it a big Kiddish. That sounds normal. Now we have Enhanced Kiddishes and Festive Friday Night Dinners. I feel like anywhere I go in shul I might get hit by confetti. Now they're going to be planning a Jubilant Morning Prayer Service. I just want a nice relaxed service with a good Heimish dinner and a Kiddish that has choolante and Kugel. By the way, I am fine with people not sponsoring Kiddish. Dues are up to twenty-two hundred dollars (that's a literal catch twenty-two). I think that works towards a Kiddish. The rabbi should've never told the front left about the Fabrengens. Now they're coming in drunk for 'holy reasons.' Why they don't sit in the back still baffles me. People in our shul hide nothing. Be it cheaping out on a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, tailgating Musaf, or doing burpees on the Bima. Tags:
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Announcements
No Shidduchim this Tu BAv. We want the singles to enjoy themselves. Your ideas bring no joy to the singles. Your ideas bring depression, and lack of hope for love. Note to Congregants: There is a reason none of them are dating each other at the shul. This is why we ask Ruchel to stay away, so they can talk to each other. Ruchel gets too involved. Kiddish is the only time for them to meet. We can't ask the single men pay for meals of the women of the congregation on their dates. We know, based on the fact they don't pay full dues, they don't have the money. Kiddish is the only time they can look classy. Matchmakers cannot be part of the speed dating event. The singles are not looking to meet Shadchans. They're looking to meet other singles. For a Yahrzeit you bring food. That means babka. No Entenmann's. The congregants expect Latkas Bakery cinnamon babka. If it's not cinnamon and from Latka, they will not pray for an Aliyas Nishama. Chesed Call: Single people are still members of our community. Even if you don't like them and they're losers. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 4:14) Moshe tells the people that at Mount Sinai, 'H" commanded me at that time, to teach you the laws and ordinance, that you should do them in the Land...' With you guys there's never a right time. You're always complaining. Every time I teach an ordinance, Shlomo is playing Wordle on his phone... I know we're not in Israel. That's not the point. You can still be a decent Jew... Setting up people with other singles who have the uglies is not a law. You get too involved. You're a Yenta... That means you're annoying. They know what ugly is. There are rules. I know that people don't see the sign that says 'parking for the rabbi,' but there are rules... They see each other at Kiddish every week. They don't need you throwing out ideas. 'Mark. This is Sharon...' They just ate Kichel together. They can ask each other out if they like each other... You guys get too involved... No. You don't sit on the other side of the table at speed dating. They have to talk to each other... You're married, Ruchel. You shouldn't be speed dating... Date your husband. He gets jealous. You spend all of your time with the singles... Don't tell me it's for Shidduchim. We know your husband can't stand your Shidduch ideas... H' commanded me because you can't handle it. I give over ideas... Do something. Why does H' need to command me to tell you to do stuff? Because you're lazy. You shlub. We couldn't even move you from the smorgasbord to the hall at Kelsey's wedding. Even on dates. You shlub around... I understand the carving station was excellent. And the potato puffs and pigs in the blanket. Truth is the smorgasbord was better than the meal. Should've stayed at the smorgasbord. (Devarim 4:16) You heard but you didn't see 'lest you act corruptly and make a carved image.' Nobody wants to see your art. I saw what you did with paper mache. Why that thing is still in the front hall of the shul... You see things... You hit on a young guy. And if you saw it, would you do it?! No You're lazy. You shlub. It's the eyes. That's the issue. If the singles just heard the voices of the others they might be attracted... Would you be attracted to some of these... It's speed dating because they're ugly. They want out of there... No. You have no right to be offended. They didn't reject you... You can't be rejected as a matchmaker. Even if you're an ugly Shadchan... They rejected your idea because it was a dumb idea. They eat Kichel together every Shabbis... I'm educating you now. Then you start serving false gods, praying to the sun and you get kicked out of Israel... What Moshe is saying is, 'Practice the Mitzvot. Maybe show up to Minyin. Don't act like Bernie.' These are laws. You bring food for people to make a Bracha on a Yahrzeit... You didn't bring cake. That's why nobody cared they died... You brought Entenmann's. No babka. No herring. Not even Stella D'oros... Rules. I am educating you now. They're single. You don't have to be nasty about it... Your tone was off. It was offensive. You say 'single,' it's offensive. The word. It should be 'master of your house.' That wouldn't be offensive... It was the way you asked 'They're single?!' They were right there... They're members of our community. I understand they're pathetic, but they pay dues sometimes... Samantha pays dues. At least be nice to her. Rivka’s Rundown I appreciate the rabbi finally educating the congregation. They need these lessons. 'Don't act like Bernie' is a very valuable teaching. And now, I hope that we'll finally get some decent food when somebody says Kaddish. Nobody knows what the verb shlub means. Why should you not shlub when you have excellent food right there. They had the pigs in a blanket, wraps. They even had a carving station. Why would we leave the smorgasbord?! I'm shlubbing out of there. I can tell you, the boys in our congregation show up on dates and don't even tuck in their shirts. They're shlubbing. Even so, if you go on a date and they have a carving station, and his shirt is untucked, that's fine. They get so involved in the dating process. I don't think there's one member of our shul that's not a matchmaker. At the speed dating event last year, one member kicked a single girl out of her spot and said, 'I can do this better than you.' She then told the girl that she likes the guy. The girl never spoke to the guy. That woman's husband was not happy when he found out that his wife participated in speed dating. To better their marriage, they did speed date night. Once a week, they would go out to get away from the kids for three minutes. One Shadchan popped into a cafe and asked Shmuel to pay for her meal. It is bad. Ruchel won't let them talk at Kiddish. She gets too involved in the relationships. Once she was offended that a couple renovated their home and didn't add a room for her. Ethel brought cake and schnapps the next day, to make up for her father's Yahrzeit. The members of the shul started to respect her. To get respect, you have to bring food for the congregants. Otherwise, there is no reason for them to know you. Why Ruchel brings up Shidduch ideas to her husband still baffles my mind. It's like she's trying to get him out of their marriage. We had to announce that single people are people. The president of the shul said, 'They are people.' Many single people thanked the board for them announcing they're part of the community. It was important to announce that single people are people. I sometimes look at them and wonder if they are truly individuals. Are they even human beings? Are they a different race of people? Tags:
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Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful. The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes. A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month. We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul. No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim... No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed... Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house. I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv... Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis. They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea. My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place... You're the reason for Tisha BAv... We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah. This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You. No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.' Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom. We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition. We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you... Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi. By the way. The rabbi loves grapes. Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three. There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.' All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger. That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie. 'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych. Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers. I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot. Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about. They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.' Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations. I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Matos-Masai7/16/2023
Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming up. Prepare for the Nine Days this week. Please don't cause anybody to speak Lashon Hara by saying something stupid. The rabbi would like to let the congregants know that they're the reason for the destruction. Also, no new clothes should be bought during this time. Don't do laundry. If everybody looked disheveled like Max, we would be better off as a people. The shul would like to apologize for the Ferkowitz Simcha. It was almost as bad as the Feigenbloom's wedding. We are just happy that it took place during the Three Weeks. The Shabbis Simcha was awful. It reminded us all about the destruction of the Temple, with stale Babka, a meatless choolante, and streamers. The redemption will not come with toothpicks in gefilte fish balls. Highlights from the annual meeting: Everybody shared their opinion. Books were left outside for the kid library for three days. Everybody passed them. All people at the meeting saw the books piled at the door. We just felt it is important to note that nobody bent to help. Keeping the shul clean wasn't brought up at the annual meeting. Nor was having a Minyin. People going to Minyin also passed the books and didn't pick them up. We want to thank all of our volunteers. You. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 31:11-14) They brought Moshe and Elazar the spoils of the Midianim, the captives and the animals... 'Moses was angry with the leaders of the army...' And they make another mistake. Moshe's like 'Not again... the sisterhood chipped the facade again...' Then don't decorate. Every time you decorate the Simcha hall it looks less happy... It looks like the destruction of the Temple... Why do we need streamers in the shul?! The shul doesn't need streamers. Don't come up with ideas. Your creativity is detrimental to service of Gd. Surprise!!! Moshe is not happy. 'But we thought we were doing the right thing.' And you even mess up vows... I hear a promise from you and I'm thinking 'I hope they don't keep that promise... Because when you keep promises the shul ends up with a whole library full of boxes that you dump at the back door, and streamers in gefilte fish balls... Bite-size gefilte fish balls are disgusting. Gefilte fish can be amazing. Tiny balls with a toothpick are... Your help is messed up... No ideas. Don't think. We have so much stuff. We don't need more spoils. Your books are spoiled. Your donation of the coat rack... We have a coat rack already. We have a whole coat room... You wanted to throw it out and not get taxed. And then you gave us your coats. You gave us your coat rack with your coats... The Salvation Army said no. Have you ever seen how angry your donations get me?! And your donations to the food cupboard. You get poor people mad... So many of you say stupid stuff and you never keep your promises. You said you were going to diet on New Year's... You have no dieted. There is no way that you have been dieting Mark. Promises are like vows. I would annul every one of your promises to the shul... Did you give your donation from the Yizkur Appeal?! Exactly. Right after Kol Nidrei, you lie... Annul it all. I would annul your memberships too. Why don't you vow to pick up the books that have been sitting at the front door for a week?! Why does Moshe get mad at the leaders? Rashi 'The transgression of a generation is dependent on its leaders. As they have the power to protest.' The shul has no leaders, so I get mad at everyone... What have the leaders done? Exactly. No leaders. Yes. Moshe is mad. He asks (Bamidbar 31:15) 'Did you let the females live?!' Who does that... They caused the Jews to sin. Always causing sin. It's the women... Of course, Moshe had his heart broke. They do it to all of us... You can make a difference. You can protest wrong. Not one person brought in the books. Fifty people at the annual meeting. Books still outside... It wasn't even a discussion. And you like to discuss stuff. You didn't even talk about it. Nobody brought up keeping the shul clean. Or Minyin. We haven't had a Minyin, and you're talking about the shul BBQ... No. You talked about the concept of cleaning. A metaphysical concept. Wasn't even discussed at the annual meeting. Instead, you discussed the new concept of Shul Storage... I know we can make a lot with self-storage in the shul. Instead of the 'please take your books and stuff back to your house bins' we charge people for throwing out their trash... Why does Moshe get mad? You do so many things wrong. If you would just listen to me. You don't even Kasher correctly. (Bamidbar 31:21-24) You pass it through the fire and 'you must be purified with the sprinkling water'... Yes. A Mikvah. I know it's disgusting to put it in the Mikvah after Shloimi dunked in it. When was the last time you showered... Even Max showers. That's why we built the Keli Mikvah... Why is Shloimi dunking himself in the Keli Mikvah? That's wrong... Yes. We can have cameras in the Keli Mikvah. How about we vow to talk about what is important in shul... Money. Exactly. This is why it's good that a father and husband can annul a vow... You make dumb decisions.... Maybe vow to smile. Yes. It's the Nine Days. Maybe if you smiled, we'd rebuild the Temple... This isn't the annual meeting. Your opinions just get your rabbi angry... They would definitely bother Moshe. Rivka’s Rundown I believe I heard the rabbi say he was going to annul everybody's membership. That would make for a happier atmosphere in shul. I think that everybody loves the shul BBQ. If we skipped Minyin on Shabbis mornings and just had a BBQ, more members would show. The books sat there for three at least three days. Might have been a week. We've turned the lost-and-found into a donation bin for stuff we're hoping to get rid of. It's a please take your stuff back bin. I know who donated it by who's happy when they pass the bin. They see their donations there and smile, and they leave it. The shul got new security cameras. I think it's to figure out who's leaving their trash at the shul. I'm telling you, these people just drop it at the door and run. It's a drop and run. I've seen some throw the stuff out of their car, in hopes that nobody sees them. I know it was the Smithstein family, when we saw the name tags of their eleven-year-old that grew out of the speedo for camp this summer. The shul as a storage space is a bit much. Though, we do need to figure out what to do with all the books, clothing and disheware. The dishware is wrong. If we just knew who it was, we would be able to tell if it was meat or dairy, or not kosher. Nobody trusts the Hashgacha in the Bergstein home. That's how you know if somebody is religious in the community. If they spit when they hear the Bergstein name. The Nine Days are truly enjoyed by our community. The congregants are very good at mourning. They never smile. The annual meeting was like a townhall. Everybody complained about cleanliness and nobody picked up the books. The books are probably still sitting there, and everybody is complaining about cleanliness. They didn't discuss cleanliness. They complained about it. And then they moved on to complaining about the building and who have they have to sit next to during the High Holidays. Everybody has an opinion. I thought we would be out of there, and then people started asking questions. Questions take a really long time. The new kids’ library is never clean. The parents never told their kids to clean up after themselves. That should be a vow kids take. 'I vow to clean up after myself.' The parents in our shul would annul that vow. They don't want their kids helping with anything in the shul. They want them to follow in the family tradition. I believe the message in the homes is: Don't clean up after yourself at shul. We paid dues three years ago. Somebody had the Chutzpah to ask the rabbi why he didn't pick up the books and bring them in. The rabbi explained that he was trying to teach them a lesson. The whole thanking the volunteers is getting annoying. They volunteer for the least helpful things. One guy volunteered to get an Aliyah and got mad when he didn't get a thank you note. Too much credit is given to these people for doing nothing. Nobody volunteered to pick up the books. Volunteer to cleanup. That's a volunteer. The cleaning service doesn't clean anything. They passed those books a few times. They thanked all the volunteers in the announcements with 'you.' They couldn't come up with anything other than 'you.' That was the activity they did as volunteers. They were them. I think rabbi proposed that Moshe was mad at women because a girl broke his heart. I get it. I can definitely tell you that Mark is not dieting. I've seen him at Kiddishes and Simchas. The Ferkowitzs got a bad rap. It's not their fault. Mark devoured all the pigs in blankets before they made it to the smorgasbord. Tags:
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Announcements
The rabbi forgot to announce July 4th last week. We are sorry for his lack of love for America. It wasn't in the announcements either, because of the rabbi. The rabbi did have a BBQ. The Herman Mishpuchi confirmed that. Don't worry. Nobody missed out. It was just dogs. No hamburgers. The shul's July 4th parade didn't happen. We want to apologize for not having the parade again this year. It was the rabbi's fault. Glamping group will be meeting at the Walmart parking lot, where they will spend their first night of glamping. No attacking people for Davening too fast. Just because somebody said the Baal Tefillah (Chazin) did Adon Olam too fast does not give everybody the right to jump on the guy. As much as we all like to complain, nobody wants to be in shul longer. Please thank him. If you'd like to blame somebody, blame the rabbi. Shul excercise classes are starting this Monday. The classes will get you in shape for carrying around the Torah, helping setup Kiddish, and showing up to shul on time. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... They counted the people... It's called a census... Well. It makes sense. There was a plague. When something catastrophic happens, you take a census. That is why we count every day at Shul... This congregation is a plague. Minyin... Almost every Minyin is catastrophic. The Aliyah and ark opening fights... We rarely get a Minyin. So. When people do come, like at a normal shul, we take a census... They count kids in camp too... The way the shul's day camp is run, you need to take a census. They lose kids all the time... I know we don't count at junior congregation. Because you don't care if we lose your children. (Bamidbar 26:10) 'Then the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and Korach with the death of the assembly... a sign...' That's how you teach a lesson... We're not scaring your kids... The basement didn't swallow your kids. They were playing down there. They got locked in the... We didn't lose them, and they didn't get swallowed by the laundry chute... Why the swallowing? To teach a lesson. Rashi teaches so that people know to not mess with the Kehuna... We need signs so that people know to not do Davening too fast, or the congregation will hurt you... A sign to lift the Torah correctly. Felvel broke his back the other day lifting the Torah. A cue. Like 'tighten your stomach'... I would think that the flags around the city and the BBQs would remind you it's July 4th. That's a sign... We've never had a parade. We've seen other people parade. But our congregants don't parade. Our congregants couldn't walk down Main Street. They can't even walk to shul... I know because you all drive. Nobody cared when I forgot Yom HaAtzmaut... The real problem is blame. A lack of wanting to do, yet wanting credit. You want the Kehuna, but you don't want to help setup Kiddish. You eat... You complain about not getting honors in shul. You scream at the Gabai. None of you want to Layn... We should not give Yasher Koyachs for getting an Aliyah. The guy did nothing. You Layn, you read from the Torah, your get a Yasher Koyach. Don't mess with the Kehuna and don't mess with the Gabai. From now on, if you get angry about not getting an Aliyah, we hurt you. Either that or you have to help setup Kiddish. And you have to walk to shul... Never effort. You all show up at 10:30am. It takes you two hours to walk to shul. You must be out of shape... Pinchas took action. Those who take action don't complain. They don't mess with the Kehuna. They do. They don't blame, like Isaac... To get mad at the Baal Tefillah is not a Pinchas move. He was leading Davening... He didn't start taking off his clothes in the middle of Chazaras HaShas... Pinchas would've Davened fast. There is no such thing as Davening too fast. There is appreciation. Anytime one of the kids doesn't lead Ein Keilokeinu, and we can sing the normal tune... Yes. We're thankful when we do the not slow tune. You get up there and you lead. You don't learn how to lead. You do it. Leading is an action... Leading is not what you're doing when you complain about the rugulach at Kiddish... I understand they have cheese. They're a different kind of rugulach. You don't mess with the butterflake rugulach. Butterflake and cheese is amazing... Then you eat choolante later. Fools. Who was the fool who said to add more between Brachas and Rabbi Yishmael??? Who are you?... You're not even a member of the shul. You just showed up two weeks ago... Who are you?! In this shul, you all mess with stuff. Anything good, you mess with. The back left section should be swallowed up... If the earth swallowed up the congregants, we would get a Minyin. You all complain. You complain about me... I understand you need something to complain about, but you're messing with the shul. Who tells a guy to Daven slower?!!! Who?!!! What is wrong with you... You didn't even want to be the Baal Tefillah... It's you. (Bamidbar 26:11) 'The children of Korach didn't die.' Thank Gd. No kids died at camp this summer... You don't blame the children for the faults of their ancestors. We don't blame your kids that you Daven too slow... And we don't blame grandchildren for Bernie. We pray for them... If Korach's kids were at shul, with Shmuli leading Davening, they would've wanted to kill themselves. They would've asked why they're not leading... Because Shumli Davens too slow. He should be stabbed. We do an early Kiddish with Youth Groups so they can enjoy themselves. They'll starve if they have to wait for Shmuli to finish... A July 4th BBQ is up to you. It was at my house. And now you mess with July 4th. The fact you missed July 4th is on you. You didn't prepare. You didn't think about it. You just complained. You could've had a BBQ... I am not inviting you. You'll show up to a BBQ on time. Why not to Minyin? Instead, you go glamping... That's the most American thing you did. You went glamping. Instead of camping, you rented a house. And then you got fast food. You do nothing right. You don't even camp correctly... It was a house. You were driving an apartment, and then you slept at Walmart. Walmart is not a forest. Your kids aren't out of shape. They can go camping. They can pitch a tent. If they workout, they can lift the Torah and help with Kiddish. Maybe they can even learn to Layn... Glamping is not American tradition. It's about the next generation respecting tradition. Doing... Yes. Tzelafchad's daughters are there in the Parsha... Now. Now, you stick up for them. 3,400 years later?! Rivka's Rundwon The announcements are always misspelled. I think the rabbi ends every sermon angry. I agree with the rabbi. We need to slow down on the Yasher Koyachs. When I see people like Bernie getting an ego for rolling the Torah, not even Hagba, it's bothersome. Say, 'Hello.' Not 'Yasher Koyach.' He walks off the Bima like he's a rock star. Pointing at people, 'No. Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' We had Sefardim one Shabbis. He yelled out 'Chazak vAmatz to everybody,' and didn't even buy them rounds. 'The shul is a plague, but don't blame the kids.' A strong message from our rabbi. He is so wise. Always has the right lesson to impart. The parents in our shul are very messed up. The kids do learn from the adults. Junior congregation has got heated with the new elections. They are now arguing regularly. One kid who didn't even run for president of junior congregation asked why the girl who got voted in gets to lead. The big question is how many people can lead Davening at once. They had eight kids around the Bima leading last week. I think the youth director is scared that if she says 'no' the kids will protest. They have a Gabai who makes decisions as to who gets to use the LEGO. They truly threw the rabbi under the bus. The shul has never had a July 4th parade. Members join in for the town parade. We once had a Yom HaAtzmaut parade. The members couldn't even make the walk around the block. So out of shape. Which is why our softball team is getting killed again this year. The rabbi focused on July 4th this week as nobody invited him for a BBQ. He wanted to let them know they were rude. His sermon was very much about July 4th. Still, as some members said, 'It wasn't last week. When July 4th didn't happen yet... The rabbi spoke about July 4th at the wrong time. The weekend is before July 4th, not after. You have to prepare for the BBQ.' Nobody got mad at the rabbi for forgetting to announce Shiva Asar BTzamuz. Even though they forgot to fast, they didn't seem to mind not remembering the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. We didn't even get a Minyin for the fast that leads up to Tisha BAv. It was a nice day out though. Most of the congregants BBQed. They brought tents to glamping. Fools. If they knew that they provide housing for glamping. Once they noticed housing was provided, some of the parents wanted to make the kids feel like they were camping, so they brought tents to stay in outside the huts. I'm never going glamping again with members of our shul. They were complaining that there were bugs outside of their glamps. They called them yurts. It's a glamp. Everybody loved the Walmart glamping trip. The first two nights were spent in a Walmart parking lot. The third night we had to go to the glamps. We had to get out of the parking lot once we heard over the loudspeakers, 'Jewish people can't camp in our parking lot. We don't allow people to Daven in Minyin form for more than two days. If you're not tailgating, please go camping.' Everybody is a critic. This is the first time I have ever heard people complain that they were getting out of shul too early. There is something very wrong with this shul. Rabbi had to step in 'You guys are fools... Then do the Karbanot at home.' Communally attacking the guy for doing what he was told. He was told to lead. He was told to not drag it out. Then Barry goes off on him. Barry always finds a reason to complain. 'Pinchas would've Davened fast.' Just another one of the beautiful messages from our rabbi. Pinchas cared about the Jewish people. He would've never led Tefillah like Shmuli. The rabbi is very correct about the slow tunes. It's a plague. Somebody should stab any Baal Tefillah who slows down Davening. They would be a loved one of H'. They all love to complain. But no effort. All lazy. They want the Kavod but they don't want to help. Kiddish falls on the rabbi. A bunch of Korachs in the shul. They swallow up the Kiddish. The rabbi initiated the shul workout to get some help with setting up the tables. He thinks that if they have more energy they'll help. He didn't take into account Bernie, Max, Sadie, Raschel, and the rest of the congregants. Hopefully they'll at least get in shape to move faster for their Aliyahs. The shul workout consists of pacing in the back to bother people trying to concentrate, which many members already do, and Hagba lifts. The rabbi is working on a HIIT daily workout for the congregants he is calling the Kaddish. This is where they have to stand each time Kaddish is said, and then they have to sit back down when it's finished. Our congregation has no idea what to worry about. Tzelafchad's daughters is still a big topic. Can't find their kids in the shul basement and they're worried about Tzelafchad's girls getting land in Israel. We have a leak in the shul. People have no idea when the 17th of Tamuz is. But they're worried about Tzelafchad's daughters. Tags:
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No bothering mechanics at Minyin. They come to Daven. You also can't bother veterinarians, even though they are a type of a doctor. Rule: No bothering professionals. We need a Minyin. These Members do not have to bow Modim: Phil, Bert, Sim, every Max in the Shul, all Marvins, Bernie, Ruchela who nobody sits next to, Bill, Sid, Brad, Baruch, Shlomo, Pinny. Every time you bend you rip one. The shul has received New Seforim. We don't expect anybody to use them. It just looks decent to have some Seforim in a shul. We will have the Seforim display in the Beit Midrash which has not been used for the past ten years. Kids are in camp. We want to note how happy the parents are. We have not seen smiles like this in the congregation since last summer. Due to the happiness of not seeing your children, the shul is starting a boarding school. 'What's great about this?' You ask. You don't have to see your kids. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 19:20) 'A person who becomes Tamei (contaminated) and doesn't purify himself, that person shall be cut off from the the midst of the congregation.' Why we allow for this Minyin in our shul to take place is beyond me... It's a job... You can be impure. Most of our congregants are... You have to go through the process of purification to be let back into the people. When you have a kitchen like Mrs. Fineglass, you can't eat in the thing... It's disgusting. It needs gentrification... Mikvah. You got to a Mikvah. We need to let go of some of the members Who should be cut off from our shul? The Feinwitz family for just being Tamei. Always filthy. You thought the kids came in last week with a tan. They haven't showered in... These kids in camp, disgusting. They come home, you have to spray them with something. If there isn't a purification process after collecting two hundred salamanders... Bert. You have to be cut off Bert... People can't Daven. Every time you bend you let one go. It's disgusting. And then you lick your fingers. Chaching all over the pages. You've contaminated every Siddur in this shul. Turning the pages... Phil, Bernie, all Maxes... No bending. No bowing... Even for Aleinu. Your bowing is forbidden. Asur. It should be Asur to pass your area with the Torah. The way it smells from your bending and sitting. Finelwitzs don't learn Torah. No Seforim in their home. Tamei (impure)... Contaminated. We are a holy nation and you constantly screw up. This congregation... And then you complain. Again, they complain about not having food. 'Let us die.' After spending time in the Fineglass kitchen, you complain. I get it. They can't cook. Complaining about the kids is fine... Yes. Very annoying. It is such a Simcha to not see them... I love camp too... The boarding school idea is for the kids. To get them away from us. It's a start. A start on the path of Tahor... At least we don't have to see these salamander dirt tans. Sometimes you get me so mad, I want to hit a rock... Maybe not a rock. Maybe just one of the congregants. The complaints... Everything you do is wrong. I can't even look up while I Daven. I see the congregation, I want to hit something... That's why I bang the table real hard for YaAleh vYavo. I'm getting out my anger for having to see Bernie... Yeah. It's bothersome when somebody comes to shul to pray and you ask for Tzedaka. Every member in this shul is a charity... Yes. Asking a mechanic to fix your car and to pick up the lid to look at it, at shul, is Tzedaka... He took the mechanic to the car in the shul's parking lot... He opened the hood. He brought motor oil to shul... Now, they're using guys in shul as their car experts. I thought people just used doctors in shul. Now they're bothering mechanics. Soon, nobody will want to come to shul. Next thing they're going to start bothering arborists... You can't bother arborists either. You also can't bother nursery school teachers. On the weekends, you clean your own kids. You have contaminated the congregation. It's the complaints. Nothing holy... Holy is not the back left section of the shul. Even Bilam understood that you listen to Gd. As H' said to Bilam after Bilam was coerced to go with Balak's people to curse the Jews (22:20) '...only the thing I shall speak to you, that shall you do.' The way you got me to come here to be your rabbi... Coercion... The salary is coercion. It was a good salary... How do you purify? You listen to H'. Is it that hard??!!! Every Shabbis I have to give the same message to... Yes. You're impure. This is an impure congregation. Seforim are good in a house. That's what H' wants. Did you listen to Him?! Open up a Sefer... Are you Jewish?! Was that Bilam's curse? That we would have homes like the Finkelwitzs? With no Seforim. Bert bending is a curse... That the congregation should not smell disgusting. That's what H' wants... Then do half a bend for Aleinu. Kids who go to camp should shower. Listen to H'... At least it's what the congregation wants. The kids are disgusting. I really want to hit something right now... Rivka's Rundwon I am happy the rabbi didn't get violent and take it out on the granet. Some people were shocked that the rabbi considered his work as a rabbi a job. They thought he likes fielding questions about what to do with kids for the summer and where to vacation. In his weekly class on things that bother him about the shul, the rabbi made it clear that he doesn't want to hear about galamping anymore. Once the rabbi said you can't bother professionals in shul, only five people showed up the next day. Three doctors, a gardener who likes to get paid for her work and the mechanic. You can't be a professional in the shul. They even asked the grocer for fruit. It's his job. They come to shul to score free mangos. I understood when people showed up to save money on doctors visits. But this has gone too far. And then the grocer disected the mango. The guy thought he was a doctor. I walk into these homes, don't even know if they're Jewish. They told me they have their Seforim on a computer. The computer didn't look like it was handed down from Moshe at Sinai. It looked like a computer with files. If there was a Torah computer I would understand. If the computer was maroon or navy, or brown, with gold trimming, I would think it was Jewish computer. It would feel like a Jewish home. The rabbi truly didn't go into the purification process. He just went off on the people and let them know H' doesn't love them. I believe the rabbi just doesn't like the Feinwitz family. Mrs. Fineglass is gentirfying her kitchen. That's how disheveled it is. I've realized there are a lot of Fines in our shul. Diffirent ittirations of Fine. I wonder if the different ittirations are relate. This week, the rabbi build a Mikvah in the shul. On the Mikvah, he put a sign, 'Members of Beis Haknessess Beis Emes USefillah please shower and don't be disgusting. You are not pure.' The rabbi forbade bowing. I love my rabbi. Each one of these members farts every time. Even the thrity year old men fart. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe a fart. I am happy I'm in the ladies section. That smell has to be an impurity. And the turning pages phlegm is disgusting. That with the Aleinu spits. I don't know how that's holy. The rabbi and announcements forgot July 4th. People blamed themselves not leaving town for the weekend on the rabbi. A lot of anger. Uproar took place around town. 'How dare you not mention July 4th in the sermon?!!!' Some people decided to burn a picture of the rabbi in protest. The rabbi had a July 4th community BBQ at his house, that was planned months ago. That still didn't make up for not focusing on July 4th in the sermon. To quote, 'It's America, you talk about July 4th on the first of July.' Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Korach6/25/2023
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Baruch must stop using a toothpick and smiling at Kiddish. He has scared away many prospective members. We understand he has nice teeth. But it's uncomfortable seeing them with herring, and then seeing leftover schmaltz on the toothpick. The guy who skipped vHu Rachum got looks. Rightfully. It's the beginning of Maariv. You start things correctly. We want to commend our members for making the Chazin feel uncomfortable. We understand they gave him a nasty look of disappointment. And even g0ave some sighs and grunts. Finally, we have congregants who care and people who are scared to lead Davening. No more spitting in shul. Don't know who started it. We understand you hate idol worship. Why on the carpet though?! The shul now smells like tobacco. Kaddish fights are still happening. One guy is going way to fast. Another way too slow. We ask all members to not follow Paul. He is too slow. The shul is now providing a metronome in the back left, so that everybody can hear how off beat Paul is. Kiddish is sponsored by the Friedmans, the Schwartzs, the Cohens, the Feldblums, the Mitzkins, the Frankels, the Bergmans, the Fishers, the Minkowitzs, the Feldblums. There are more. And it was also sponsored by all families who have a kid graduating. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 16:15) 'Moshe got very mad'... He was dealing with Datan and Aviram. He wasn't even dealing with a board... Yes. I get mad. Did you ever deal with Steve?! Why did Moshe get mad? Ungratefulness. Blame. They're all rebelling. Kind of like the time Mark skipped vHu Rachum... It makes no difference if it was by accident. It's the beginning of Maariv and you already messed up. Before you started, you messed up... No. Nobody will forget... 'I didn't even take a donkey of theirs, nor have I wronged even one of them.' What did I take from this congregation? Tell me. Other than a few pens... Then why do I have to see Bernie every Shabbis?! What did I do to you people... Yet, they blame Moshe. They tell him that he wants the leadership. He stole leadership from them... Let me tell you. Nobody wants to deal with Steve. The shul president. Now that is stealing leadership... At least it's a leader nobody wants. Rashi explains this to mean that he didn't take anything for himself. I understand, as I have received nothing from this congregation. Not even a call on my birthday. Not even a decent Chazin. Not a Sefer... You don't steal a donkey. It's rude. I have taken nothing. From Kiddish. Not even a blueberry Danish. But you protest. And for what? What has been taken from you? It starts with complaining. For some reason, you can't blame Steve. They blamed Moshe for trying to dominate them. 'The desert isn't flowing with milk and honey.' What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?! Now I get blamed for bringing new Sefarim into the shul. Yes. I get very mad too. There is a time to get very mad. Like when you expect blueberry Danish and you get Kichel... It's not when your child graduates and doesn't get valedictorian... She graduated kindergarten. The fact that you got up there, smacked the teacher and said 'leave my child's name out your mouth'... Yes. It was wrong. You don't get mad when your kindergartner gets a diploma, and doesn't give a speech for it... She sang a song. That's what they do to show appreciation. They don't give speeches in kindergarten. They sing... If the shul sung to me and showed some appreciation... You get mad when the whole shul sponsors Kiddish along with you... You spit. It looks like you're protesting the shul... I understand it's Aleinu. It looks like you're a Korach. It looks like a rebellion... It was a loogie. You hocked a loogie. Why are you spitting in shul if it's against idol worship?! Spit on an idol. Not on the new carpet. No respect. No appreciation. That's what is really happening in the desert. They chose to go the route of not showing Hakarat HaTov... Recognizing of the good, Bernie. You recognize when your rabbi doesn't steal your blueberry Danish. And who brought the baseball team. They sat and spat. They didn't even stand for Aleinu... it was like the time you brought in the choir... They didn't help with Adon Olam and Hativkva. They sung 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters'... That's not part of Nusach Ashkenaz. I take nothing, but I deal with you. People who skip vHu Rachum... It's the first part of Mariv and you already get it wrong. How can you miss the first words? Did you get up there and read the fifth sentence first? Yes. That's exactly what happened... Ungrateful. Like you have no sins to repent for. You know who's stealing from you?! The board. You each sponsored kiddish for your child's graduation and you each paid full price. It's like when Zakah changed the donor signs on the mopeds. Stealing. Taking you to a desert of no blueberry Danish, where people skip vHu Rachum, and you have to pay for it. A desert where people spit on the carpet. They have the right to get mad Steve. Nobody got a discount. They paid for thirty Kiddishes and Kichel. They have Kichel. Twelve thousand dollars Kichel... And now, I ask- Do we not have the right to be mad?! I feel like spitting on the front left section... Rivka's Rundwon The rabbi saying he took nothing. He's vying for another raise. I know it. 'What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!' Brilliant point from our rabbi. That truly touched my heart. Then, when he brought up pancakes as well. He was right. The desert didn't have pancakes either. And Kiddish was the same size. I am never sponsoring that thing. A scam. Thirty families, and each gave two hundred dollars and Kichel. No Napoleons. Rip off. And nobody is rebelling against the board. Just against the rabbi's new parking spot. Why should the disabled spot be closer to the entrance than the rabbi's? A lot of sports dads in our shul. Dads yelling at refs. I went to PeeWee baseball, and I couldn't let on I was Jewish. You have Moishy screaming at the umpire, 'Nu. What kind of call was that. Am HaAretz.' Sports dads and graduation moms. Moms were yelling at the principal of the day school when they gave at the awards. 'What kind of call is that? Our child definitely deserves the math award! They were the best at counting Popsicle sticks.' One parent protested, 'I donated the Popsicle sticks.' That was disgusting. The sticks had the ices residue on them. The Bergstein family licked each one of those, and our children counted with them. He spat a lot. We were hearing Chaching the whole of the sermon. And it lingers. It's a new carpet and he's spitting in honor of Gd. There must be tobacco in his spit. It's disgusting and it doesn't dissolve. The tobacco phlegm just stays, hovering over the carpet. The Halacha of spitting has gone too far. They spat on Nitzkin. Nitz is a good guy. They said he worships idols and spat on hum. They just don't like him. New rule in shul: If you spit. You have to clean it up. The dog owners in the shul have protested the rule. It appears to be that they're the ones who leave their dogs 'stuff' on my lawn. Skiping vHu Rachum was the greatest thing that every happened in this community. Took of eighteen seconds from Maariv. Paul has caused so much hatred with his Kaddish. Nobody complains when stuff is too fast. Our rabbi now speeds through Shema. After months of the rabbi slowing it down, as he needed to gain respect- and you gain respect as a rabbi with a really long Shema, he is now at LMan Tizkru by the time people are starting 'vHaya.' Everybody loves the rabbi now. Nobody learns in our shul. At least the Sefarim are in good condition. I am happy they made that no smiling announcement about Baruch. It is scary. At least the board discussed something of relevance this week. Tags:
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The shul has a full-time security guard at the front door. We want to thank Mike. He's been successful at keeping Jews out. Security is a necessity. Our members should feel safe. Security is here for a reason. After many attacks and board meetings, we've decided to keep the shul in the dangerous neighborhood. If anybody is wondering why Baruch is smiling so much, the dentist told him he has good teeth. We believe he has shared that news with you all already. He will repeat it again. And he will keep on smiling until somebody tells him his teeth are bad. To be honest, they are good teeth. They're bright and they shine. We are going to teach the kids how to do Anim Zemirot. It's been taking way too long. For the first lesson, we are going to focus on the dads. It has come to our attention that they're telling their kids to annunciate. Before any other lesson, we're going to teach the kids to keep their dads away from the Bima. The class starts this coming Wednesday, and dads are not allowed to attend. The Father's Day BBQ will be hosted by the men's club. We're going to get the men out of the house so families can enjoy Father's Day without seeing the dads. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... 'Send people for you...' If we sent out the left front of the shul, that would be a great gift for me. Just to get rid of those members... The spies told them, (Bamidbar 13:29) 'The Amalekites dwell in the south land, while the Hittites, the Jebusites, and the Amorites dwell in the mountainous region.' So you move to the north... Yes. The south side is messed up. Housing prices are down. Is it that hard to not go to The Mountains for the summer?! Are Jews that needy of mountains??? They can't even hike to shul without complaining... It's not even Father's Day and you want to go golfing... You went golfing last Father's Day. Was that meaningful?! I'm trying to bring meaning to Father's Day and you're worried about golfing and Hittites... The Hittites at least mowed their lawns. As Father's Day is here, help your dads on their renovations. Your homes look bad. I wouldn't want to move to the Jewish neighborhood in Topeka. If spies came and told me about the Bergowitz front lawn, I wouldn't move there. With all the stuff on your lawn... It's renovation season. It's fix up season... I know Jews go to The Mountains for the summer. This isn't a bungalow. Clean up your front lawn... You have flipped over tricycles... Your kids are in college... The members in the front left are spies. Why would you not go to Israel?! They don't have long Anim Zemirots, or dads standing next to the kids forcing them to make Anim Zemirot long and painful. The land of Israel is flowing with kids that know Hebrew and don't annunciate every word. That's a reason to move... (Bamidbar 13:27) 'We came to the land you sent us, and it is flowing with milk and honey, and this is its fruit.' They showed them decent fruit... Scared of fruit?! The grapes are too big?! Everybody loves big grapes. The crunchy kind. Love it... A land flowing with honey and milk, and huge hotel breakfasts. The spies said decent stuff. Always glass is half empty. Look at the positive... I know it's hard to look at the positive when you have to look at the front left... If you heard Bryan was running the BBQ, you would all complain. 'We can't go. Bryan doesn't know how to man the grill.' And you would be right. And I see this congregation and I mourn. I mourn sadness. The desire to be golfing. I mourn having to see the membership. I also mourn a messed up BBQ with Bryan... The Jebusites knew how to man a grill. Yehoshua and Calev ripped their clothes and said, (Bamidbar 14:7) 'The land we passed through to scout is an exceedingly good land.' You see the good and you fight for it. And you ruin a decent shirt. You think it was easy to find a shirt back then. We have to stop being scared and see the good. Yehoshua and Calev were trying to tell the board to hire security... Yes. They had security guards back then. The shul has a security guard. It's dangerous, but we still come to shul. Because it's good... Without Bernie, it's good... The security guard is a big guy. Probably a Hittite... Security is one prayer H' doesn't answer. We don't depend on Him for that. The dues provide the security... You rip your clothes when you're mourning. That's why most of my shirts are ripped. I have to deal with you as congregants... But you see the good, and Baruch has really clean teeth. Baruch has been smiling all morning. And it would appear he just went to the dentist... It's good to see you Baruch. You don't have to smile with all of your teeth. You're not Steve Harvey.... You see the good, and you don't look at the front left of the shul... There is hope, if the kids learn an Anim Zemirot tune that doesn't take ten minutes, or Tzvi pronouncing every word... The kid doesn't need you. I understand it's Father's Day. This Father's Day, you should know your child doesn't need you... As Calev said, 'We can take possession.' Take possession of your teeth. This Father's Day... You don't need to take possession of The Mountains. You can go to a bungalow... You don't have to live in The Mountains. You can visit. When you have possession, you have to take care of it. You mow the lawn. You don't ruin the neighborhood like the Bergowitzs, who think the Fayetteville neighborhood of Topeka is a bungalow... Just flip the bikes upright. It's Father's Day. Help around the house a bit, and retake possession of Anim Zemirot... Rivka's Rundwon The rabbi honored all the fathers by letting them know they don't come to shul enough. Bryan truly can't man a grill. Watching him flip a burger is like watching a child trying to put together MagnaTiles that form into a shape that makes sense. He childs the grill. He doesn't mjan it. It's like he's playing with the fire. His burger flipping is pathetic. Burgers come out in eight pieces. To put them on the bun, I have to puzzle it. I don't think he's ever had a full burger scoop. The rabbi also reminded the men that they have unkempt houses. A lot of our membership doesn't show up on Shabbat. Either security is keeping Jews out, or Jews don't like to pray. It might be golf. I don't know what the heretics do. I pray at my shul becaues the heretics at the other shul show up on Shabbis. There has been violence in our shul. Sadie attacked Steve at the board meeting. I believe most of the congregation was happy to hear that Steve got hurt. Why our shul is on the southside when it's the most dangerous neighborhood. I believe it keeps you praying with the true believers in Gd. Our community seriously needs to do some home fixups. The Bergowitz front lawn is messed up. They've got slides, chairs, clothes. A shirt ended up on a chair. Must've been put out to dry before the winter. Broken lawn chairs. Like they left them on the curb and took them back to the house. Lego. Lego on the front lawn. It's their living room. The tricycles have been there for fifteen years. Very connected to their youth. Monopoly is laying out on the lawn. The Bergowitzs are very Frum. Very religious. Their living room is their dining room. That's how you know they're Frum. Baruch is really proud of his teeth. The hygienist should've never complimented him. All of Kiddish he was smiling and talking of his teeth. He even had one of those flossing toothpicks. He was constantly picking at his teeth to draw attention to them. He then started picking and sucking in, trying to get the potato kugel strands out. He took to educating people how to keep their teeth nice. He even started running his tongue over his top teeth, inside his mouth, and then sucking that too. It was disgusting. Very loud and disgusting. People were examining his teeth. Samantha noted the straightness is extraordinary. The long Anim Zemirot is because of that Anim Zemirot dad up there. He's making sure his kids annunciate, and I want to hurt him. The dad is the problem. I believe the congregants all know that now. I was happy to see the security guard escort the dad out, when he told his children they have to slow down. Anybody that tells any Chazin to slow down should be kicked out of shul. These Anim Zemirot dads have to stop. Dads not being allowed to attend the class was a start. The children learned to say 'no' to their dads when their dads tell them to annunciate, which was their first lesson in honoring the congregation. The rabbi always talks about the spies and people being scared of big grapes. I love them. Big grapes without pits are amazing. I love food in bulk. I always shop at Cotsco or BJ's, even if they're more expensive. I like my chips in big. If the spies would've brought back a huge bag of Ruffles, I would've run to Israel. Much of the congregation was inspired to rent bungalows in The Mountains for the summer. They understand that you don't have to mow or clean the front lawn of a bungalow. And they like that. The rabbi announced that he is going to not go away this summer, due to the lack of congregants and his happiness that they won't be around. The rabbi said he will be able to enjoy himself summering in Topeka. He also said he is finally not scared to come to shul, in fear of members. The rabbi considers the front left spies. He saw them talking to the board. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Behalotcha6/11/2023
Announcements
For Next Lag BOmer: There are too many messed up haircuts in our shul since Lag BOmer. No more doing it yourself, even with clippers. Not one of you has a straight neckline. Fools. Since the bonfires, clothes are still messed up and the shul smells bad. No more marshmallows at bonfires without sticks of at least three feet. We are working on programming for the youth of our shul. They are the focus. This is why we have removed the pictures of the congregation and rabbis. You can now see our hallway decked out in pictures of Transformers. We are thinking of getting a Bouncy Bima. The Kiddish clown is a new addition that should make evreybody happy while eating gefilte fish. At the next meeting we will discuss the Kaddish clow idea, to make Kaddish more kid friendly. Kaddish timing classes will take place on Wednesdays. So that we can honor the deceased in unison. The timing is off. Bill thinks he's harmonizing. Simmy is still learning to read. He's also three seconds off. The congregants are Amening eight times to each Kaddish section. As it is the NBA finals, the Minyin will not be waiting for the rabbi to finish the Shema. If we wait, we will miss the first half of the game. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermons Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Do we still have to see the messed-up Lag BOmer haircuts. It's been a month and I still have to see... You're not bald. You gave yourself a step in the wrong direction. Look decent... You look like fools. The backs of your heads are all off... I understand you did it yourself. You use the two-mirror system. Everything was at an angle. You turned for LCha Dodi, I found myself leaning... I was leaning with your hairlines. Look decent. When you come to a shul. When you serve Gd, you look decent... (Bamidbar 8:15-16) '...the Levites shall come to serve in the Tent of Meeting. You shall cleanse them and lift them as a waving'... They got haircuts. Normal haircuts. They didn't show up to get waved with unkempt hair. Hair flying all over the Mishkan... The waving was fun. Why am I being asked about waving?... The Kohens back then were stronger. Our shul doesn't even have a Koehn who can do Hagba... 'For they are wholly given over to Me from among the children of Israel.' Commitment. They did things right. They didn't show up a minute before Kaddish. They did things 'wholly.' They showered. They got dressed up... Yes. In a jacket. They didn't have ties back then. They had decent haircuts. They didn't let down their shul in the community Choolante-Off. They had a Tafkid. A task. Everybody has a Tafkid. Except Mark and Fran. They do very little. Haven't even helped with a donation to the food cupboard... You can't tell me you like what you cook. You donate cans... Nobody wants your stew. Soup kitchens can't take your stew... It has nothing to do with Kosher. It's in a church. Maybe if you cooked it there. You have a task. To give something decent. Not one of your casseroles... Everybody has a task until they mess up. The Bachors messed up. The Leviim had to take their task... You guys mess up Kaddish every time. Can't even say 'Tiskabel.' Is it that hard... Bill. Even when they go slow, you're coming in after them... It's another Amen. The whole congregation says Amen, and then they hear you still going on... They have to do another Amen just for you. You add five minutes to Davening... Yes. It's painful. The shul has a Tafkid... It's not supposed to be a jungle gym. It is wholly given over to Gd. Holy... Children's programs done holy... I tripped on a Tonka Truck. Shmuli stepped on a Lego... Stepping on Legos hurts. He stepped on a Lego guy's head. Almost fell. I had to catch the Torah... Why is there a Tonka Truck in shul?! It's the Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse. The sanctuary has turned into a youth lounge. There's a flyer for a hayride right outside the sanctuary. Are we praying to Gd to go hayriding and for a Saturday night 'Fun activity'??? It says 'fun' on the sign... We're here for Kaddish... It's too much. There is a beanbag chair up where the Chazin used to sit... We're not going to start Kohen wave rides... The kids come to shul and they show respect... I know that's a shock. Shul is not a jungle gym. The stairs are not a bumpy slide... You give them candies after Davening. Seeing kids in front for Anim Zemirot with candy is like watching the animals at a zoo... We're focusing on the youth, when we should be focusing on the Minyin... Toddlers cannot be counted in a Minyin, Bernie. We need to focus on Kaddish... Bill is a few seconds behind every Kaddish. He thinks it's a round table. He's canoning the Yehei Shmei Rabba... We have Tafkids. Tasks. Treat the shul with respect, and learn how to say Kaddish... Your dad went to Olam Haba. Your task is to say Kaddish. Not to give yourself a messed up haircut... I respect the basketball game. You need get out of shul for the game... You could've waited for me to start the Amidah though... (Bamidbar 8:21-22) 'The Levites cleansed themselves and washed their clothes. Then Aaron lifted them... After that, the Levites came to perform the service in the Tent of Meeting.' Clean. You have to be clean first. The sanctuary carpet hasn't been vacuumed... Rachel wanted to change her kid in shul... No. You don't change your kid in shul. There is a limit... You go to the bathroom and change them. This is the House of Gd. What is with this congregation?!... The toddlers are not clean. They're not even 25 yet... You prepare. We have to prepare the Kaddish right. We are going to be working on synchronizing the mourners... And wash your clothes. You still smell of Lag BOmer... Then use Tide. Rivka's Rundown And the sermon was followed by an argument as to which laundry detergent a religious Jew should use. Many argued for Persil, even though it's German. Shameful. It turns out that since it is not a German car, Persil is OK. The death focus of last week didn't draw the families. The shul is now into the kids. And for the kids. The board is planning to put in a Bouncy Bima with streamers and constant candy throwing. And the rabbi is thinking about quitting. The Tonka Truck was a bit much. The kids think the place is a jungle gym. Middle of the Amidah we hear the kids screaming 'weeee.' They were sliding down the Mechitzah. The board wants to change the name to the Playhouse Funhouse. They feal that calling our synagogue a shul is not attractive enough for the kids. Kids programming is important, as the young couples want that. One parent brought up the idea of a miniature golf course. They claimed that the new wheelchair ramp is perfect for the last hole. The board is very into this new idea, as having a hole right by the Tallis rack can draw a lot more people to shul. This has all gone too far with the kids focus. Now, the kids gather in front at the end of shul, where they sit for a minute. Then they get candy. The kids in front for Anim Zemirot is crazy. They get candies and they go wild. It's like watching wildlife. It's more exciting than watching the chimps at Topeka Reserve. Shmuel and Batya are always fighting over the sugar powder bananas. Shira is a biter, especially when she doesn't get a lollypop in the shape of a heart. Binyamin pounced the rabbi for a ring pop. There is no more shul where people come to live as Jews. They all come to shul for programs now. Everything is a Program. Shabbat is now a program. They sometimes have that program every week. Shul is programs and fundraisers. I don't even think our congregants know what Torah is. I think they believe it's a program with pizza. That's Thursdays. Pizza and Parsha. It has the two 'p's. Programs have to have the same letter starting each word. That's how Taco Tuesdays made it to our shul. Nothing to do with Torah. Could've had Torah Tuesdays, but everybody thought Tacos would draw more people. The fundraiser was so successful, we're doing another fundraiser. Another Match the Donor. Now, everytime somebody gives Tzedaka, we have a fundraiser program. No more BBQs, all programs are fundraisers. The shul has turned very profitable. We are now up to 800K for the year. And thanks to the money raised, they were able to put in new lightbulbs in the chapel as well. They brought a choreographer to teach Kaddish. It took them five lessons to get the three steps back with the leans. Shloimy still can't get down the concept of the left leg back first. He's also still off beat with the 'Talmidayhon' part. The rabbi is hoping to have a twelve part series to teach the mourners what the words mean. So far, none of them know. The rabbi does take a long time to finish the Shema. Since he became holier his Amidah is up to eight minutes. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Nasso6/5/2023
Announcements
Please show up for Kaddish. First Kaddish on Shabbat is at 9am. Kiddish is at 11:30am. Though you may have to hear a joke from Mervin when eating Kichel, Kiddish is not suppposed to be part of the mourning process. We're going to be installing our congregants. We understand that each person needs the Kavod of an instillation to show up to Minyin. We will install whatever you need by your seats, to make it comfortable for you to be in shul. We will even install a new AV system so you can enjoy a decent film during Davening. Just be there for Kaddish. The rabbi kept track of who didn't show for Shiva. He knows who you are and you will not get Aliyahs. To be clear Shiva times are all day. That means all day. That means you won't get a an invitation. The rabbi is mourning. You show up and comfort him. He has requested that Mervin not tell any jokes, as he is already going through a lot. The fundraiser raised $300K. Thanks to your donations we can now purchase the new light bulbs for the sanctuary. We forgot to announce Mother's Day. Now they know who truly cares. Call you mothers now. If we have to tell you to call your mother, there is an issue. The rabbi can't call his mom. Maybe you should stop by his house for Shiva. Rabbi Mendelchem Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Nasso. Carried. Escorted. How you bury somebody... We count in this week's Parsha. You can't count your mother when she is not in this physical world. So here you are. You haven't shown up to my house for Shiva... It's good to know you care about Kiddish. If I had Kichel to celebrate my Mom's death, you would come. I am sorry we didn't have a decent enough spread at the Shiva... Well. The membership never learned to provide mourners with food... I've been eating canned peas and TV dinners all week... I didn't think of becoming a chef at my Mom's Shiva... Then people would come. If we stopped doing Kiddish, you wouldn't show for shul. Nobody would be able to say Kaddish... Because there wouldn't be Kiddish, Sadie... You forget the past. You forget community. You forget to visit your rabbi when he's sitting Shiva... There are requirements. Things you do, as they are important. Holy. You would expect... The Levites were counted from thirty to fifty. Not from twenty. It is holy work. You don't let teenagers lead in Shacharit... These teenagers Daven too slow, Mark. And you don't ask teens to make Shiva food... One kid delivered a pizza. It was half hour late. Ever had room temperature pizza... You wonder why the army is so messed up. Carrying the Mishkan is holy work... That's the Tabernacle. I'll give you a list of words you should know, Shlomo. One of them is Shiva. It's when you pay respects and comfort the living family members... It's in a house. Not the Tabernacle. Kohens are a whole other story... The Levite physical work of carrying the Mishkan could've been done when they were twenty. However, it is holy. And thus, you have to be a bit older. This is why we don't trust our kids with decorating the sanctuary. Balloons??!!! It looks like a pinata... That's supposed to be the Ner Tamid... A shul has to focus on its elders. Spiritual happens when you're older. Look at Max. He used to be a heretic. Now he comes to shul... I know it was for Kaddish. This shul needs to focus more on death... Not Kiddish. Kaddish. It's about keeping things in place. Making sure we connect... (Bamidbar 4:32) Rashi ' There were pegs and ropes for the bottom of the curtains and the hangings so that the wind should not lift them up.' You don't have balloons flying around the shul, all up in the ceiling. You hold things down. Roots. Old people. You respect them. You listen to Mervin's jokes. You eat Kichel. You show up to Shiva... Do I still have to explain what all day means? Does anybody celebrate Shiva not during 3 and 4pm... Zoom??? It's not a video. We're not putting together a film. It's not a Zoom event. It's a Shiva. For the sake of... You don't have to be thirty to go to a Shiva house. Though. It would be nice if the thirty-year-olds took upon themselves the holy task of visiting during Shiva... Even if there wasn't a decent spread. Bernie... Even if they're not Leviim. That's the lesson. The being older and more mature. Doing holy stuff... Yes. I am saying that everybody can do holy stuff... Not in the Temple... If I had a better membership, I could give an example. I am sorry Vicky. (Bamidbar 4:32) 'You shall designate by name the implements charged to them for their burden.' When it comes to holy tasks, you designate. Otherwise, you end up with a pinata as your Ner Tamid. Without designating, you end up with three hundred thousand dollar light bulbs. And you end up with no food for Shiva... Your designated task is to visit your rav... Rivka's Rundown That was a dark sermon. Most of the membership didn't catch the difference between Kiddish and Kaddish. At one point, Ethel was trying to figure out why they weren't serving rugulach during Kaddish. And nobody visited the rabbi for his last two days of Shiva. Our whole congregation is COVID stupid. They don't understand what 'all the time' means. Ever since Zoom and COVID Shiva is only during times. Half hour Shiva slots. The office had to answer calls every five minutes, 'If it's all the time, then what time do we go?' The rabbi kept track of the Shiva no-shows. Good for him. He's going to save a lot of money on wedding gifts. The rabbi skipped everything this week. Even after Shiva. I guess mourning takes longer than seven days. He is now praying for a Minyin, so he can say Kaddish. The shul should designate people to pray. A bunch of heretics in our shul. The rabbi is right. We need more people saying Kaddish. People felt like they got scammed in the fundraiser. 300k for light bulbs. The president of the board has been accused of siphoning the funds. I forgot Mother's Day. None of my kids called. Our shul has kids doing too much. Decorating the synagogue with streamers and balloons for Shavuot was messed up. This is why you need older people for holy activities. If the older people weren't lazy, we might have had flowers for Shavuot. Maybe they would visit for Shiva too. Have you ever seen a young person at a Shiva? It's awkward. You've got to focus on the young person. ‘How do we make them feel comfortable when Mom and Dad just went to Olam Haba???’ Got to see the kid, as if we’re ruining their day. They're itching to run to the mall with their friends. If they miss the sale, that will kill them. Maybe it's the jumpy house they're running to. They actually put a TV screen by Shlomo's seat. He gets a notice when it's time to answer Kaddish. Three hundred thousand dollars for light bulbs?! I have a feeling these non-profits are scamming us. And they didn't even put names on the light bulbs. The rabbi vowed to teach the membership of the congregation to purchase bagels and lox, and to bring it to a Shiva house. To quote the rabbi, 'Topeka is not a great place to sit Shiva.' He also said that any thirty-year-old should be fine purchasing lox. If they can't handle and eat lox by that age, they are not Jewish. That's what the rabbi said. The rabbi convinced the board to focus on death. He explained that people donate money for dead people. The rabbi said that the new chapter of the shul is to stop focusing on the kids and to focus on death, for the capital campaign. Now the shul has started a calendar campaign with Alav HaShalom pictures, and a death committee. The rabbi just wants to make Topeka a great place to sit Shiva. A Shiva destination. He purchased Shiva recliner chairs. Many families can't wait to sit. Tags:
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Announcements
Lactose intolerant members are asked to not come to shul this Shavuot. You ruin the holiday. Nobody needs people who can't enjoy a cheesecake at shul. Nobody needs to feel like they need to go on a diet when celebrating. And nobody should say anything about the strawberry jelly topping, even if Mark needs to take off a few. Nobody likes you. We are open to new members. Everybody should know that they are welcome in our shul and they should feel comfortable. Our membership is made up of many odd people. All night learning will be filled with classes, so that you can sleep. Shavuot times are wrong. Please see the last notice we sent to be sure you have the times right. This bulletin is the last notice. Class on how to not let your kids run up to the Bima in the middle of Davening will take place in the middle of services. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 1:46) 'The sum of all of those counted was six hundred and three thousand, five hundred and fifty.' And they are all dead... Yes. They all showed up to shul on time. And their kids did not run around the shul like it was the Shul Playhouse Funhouse... They were part of the Jewish people. Now gone. Reuven, Shimon, Gad... All part of a people. A people who are supposed to carry on their legacy in this world... Dead. They're dead Bernie. Gone. Not alive... I don't know what they did, Bernie. Maybe they didn't interrupt their rabbi's sermon. That's a legacy... Some may have been lactose intolerant. That may have been where the Jewish legacy of lactose intolerance started... They were not as odd as the members of our shul. They probably didn't let their kids run up during announcements... They watched their kids. That was part of their legacy. They were decent congregants. That's how they were able to count them. They didn't bother their rabbi all the time... They were accepting of all people. Even weirdos... That's what made them unique. Like our members. Different... Odd. The tribe of Levi was counted separately... They were not losers... (Bamidbar 1:47) 'Only the tribe of Levi, don't number, and don't reckon their sum among the children of Israel.' Rashi teaches that 'The legion of the king deserves to be counted on its own'(Tanchuma). This is why I don't lead the congregation. I am better... I am working for H', and the congregants depend on me to count them for a Minyin. Do you not see the issue?... Half the time I'm in the office and I've got to reckon the annoyance of a member who wants a discount on dues... It's like when the weirdos in our shul play baseball, we have fifteen on the field. Nobody cares, because none of us can catch a ball... The other teams count their players to make sure there aren't more than nine... Kind of like when none of our players were counted in the all-star game. None of our players made it. They counted the good players separately... They were good. Not from our shul. I don't even think we have one Levite in the congregation... The other tribes were special too. Just not as special as the Levites. When you get a Yisrael Aliyah, you are not special. When the only special thing about you is an upset stomach... Being counted among Israel can be special. When they're responsible, it's special. When they show up to shul on time, they're special... You should have known the times would be wrong in the announcements... Showing up late is not special. It's annoying... The kids are special. But they should not be running up on the Bima... You should be at that the Getting the Kids Off The Bima class... The class is now, to get you out of shul. So that we don't have to reckon you... Your kids wreck everything. Running around... In this Olam, this world, we continue their legacy... They live in Olam Haba... I can't explain Olam Haba now. It's a place where nobody has lactose intolerance, and everybody can eat cheesecake. And even non-Levites are important. All there. Receiving the Torah. The Torah we receive on Shavuot. We continue the Torah. Everybody is important in Torah. Even Simmy... And if you would know when the Shiva is, you would show up late... It's all the time. The Shiva is the Shiva. The whole week. Shiva... It's called Shiva because it's Shiva. It's not called 3 to 4pm... It's called Shiva... No. You don't invite people. It's not a party. If I was inviting people, I would invite Levites. My mom was special. A special Levite mother. One who lived the Torah and made everybody feel special. Even the losers. Every loser member of this congregation loved her... Dead. All dead. Rivka's Rundown That was a dark sermon. A lot of losers in the shul. The rabbi made that clear when he said 'different'. A bunch of lactose intolerant losers. The 'nobody likes you' announcement had the dairy sensitive people up in arms. Bernie truly wanted to know what each of the 603,550 people did for a living. Shavuot all night learning went till 2am. To quote Hymie, '2am is all night.' The times were wrong, even in the last email announcement, where they said to look at the last announcement. They had to announce the times in shul. Most people showed up too late for the announcement. According to the first announcement, they were on time. Kids running up to Bima, where the rabbi speaks from, is a bit much. The president of the shul was announcing the passing of a dear member and the kids were running up there. They thought the lectern was a slide. They were jumping all over the thing. One kid was swinging on the president. He thought the president was monkey bars. And as the president announced the condolences from the membership, not including Levites, one kid swung from the president's shoulder onto the side railing and yelled 'whippy.' The class was placed correctly. We got the annoying parents out of the shul. They are now handing out Aliyah donation cards. Mark swears he is never taking an Aliyah again. He exclaimed that he will not bless Gd over the Torah if he has to pay for it. On Monday, Mark showed up to the rabbi's office to bargain with the rabbi for cheaper Aliyahs. He tried getting a ten pass. The rabbi kicked him out of the office and let him know he's not a Levi. The rabbi's mother went to Olam HaNishamot this week, and they still made him speak. He started crying mid-sermon. Who makes the rabbi speak in the middle of Shiva?! The board said he already took his vacation. He shouldn't have taken the vacation down to the Keys. He wasn't ready for the shock of losing a loved one. The sermon started as a downer. The rabbi truly misses his mom. Once he started berating Bernie, his touch came back. Once the rabbi started putting down the congregants, he was at the top of his game. Side Note: The Ahava sales last month were not where the rabbi wanted it. After Shiva, the rabbi started telling people how bad their skin looks. He added in that they can die from chapped hands. That helped the sales. Nobody showed up on time to anything. Nobody knew to look at the last notice, which was the announcement sent to look at the last notice. Tags:
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Announcements
The community Lag BOmer marshmallows were Paskesz. You should all know you had a religious Jewish experience eating the marshmallows, even if most of our community thought it was a good idea to sing folk songs by the fire pit. Our board would like to officially apologize for the people who brought their guitars. Especially the classic guitar. We assure you all that the rabbi has sat with them and they now know that the only songs that are allowed to be sung at a bonfire are Carlebach songs. Yom Yerushalayim is this coming Thursday night. As nobody in the community knows what it is, we won't celebrate it. The weather committee would like to announce that the shul air-conditioning has been fixed and is working. It will be very hot in shul this Shabbis. We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel, and for their safety. With that in mind, don't go to Israel this summer. Show your solidarity by vacationing in The Mountains. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Exerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It is the Jubilee year and nobody is jubilizing. Everybody is worried about what to eat. The same way we must worry about what is going to be with Kiddish after the horrific Berkman Bat Mitzvah. And after you found out that two bags of Paskesz marshmallows is not enough for a community Lag BOmer... You can't jubilize when you have food rationing... We're living in 2023 America. If you don't have leftovers, nobody is happy. You can't jubilize with one rugulach, Bernie! What is everybody worried about? (Vayikra 25:19) If you follow the laws of Shmita and Yovel 'the land will give fruit and you will eat to satisfaction, and you will dwell securely upon it.' There is no security when you have a board that can't figure out that people like to eat. Would anybody have kept the laws without food?! H' promises us food. This is why we listen to Him. There is no reason to listen to the president of the shul. Do not listen. He supports the worst Kiddishes. His anniversary party didn't even have sour cream and onion dip. No jubilee there. You can't jubilate with the president of our shul. And there is no security guard this Shabbis... Just saying, Mark. And it wasn't during Yovel (the jubilee year)... If you believed in Gd, Mr. President, we would have more food. Good religious Jews have more food. Why? Gd provides. That's why the Frum shul has potato kugel every week... It's from H'... If you served better food, we wouldn't have lost the two families last year. Membership would be up and there would be lox spread... Gd provides. Yes. Gd provides. It's not just a saying. Gd provides Kichel and marshmallows... If you would've had smores, there would've been jubilating... It's about being fair. H' is fair. Hence, we trust Him. (Vayikra 25:21) The sixth year will give fruit for three years. I feel like we're suffering a famine in this congregation. With a marshmallow Lag BOmer and that horrific Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, I'm thinking that I should not come to shul for three years... The land goes back to the ancestral heritage. You don't sell land forever because we are only sojourners. That doesn't mean to not mow your lawn. You're still responsible for your house... The world is H's and it is owned by Him... It's not like an apartment rental. You have to fix your own faucet... You can pray to H' that you don't get a leak. On Yom Yerushalayim we praise Gd... Because He gave Jerusalem to us. Why I have to explain this?! I'm talking to AmAratzim. A bunch of Apikorsim in this place... We now celebrate Yom Yerushalayim this week. Let us jubilate with more food. We are going to have a food committee that has nobody from the board on it... Because all of you members of the board make bad decisions, like Tzimis, and you are annoying... It was a board member that rationed marshmallows on Lag BOmer... If he has money or somebody pays for the land, you give it back early. But he has to pay... (Vayikra 25:27) '...shall reckon the years of his sale and return the remainder to the man that he sold it to.' You can't rip people off. The housing rentals in Topeka are crazy... It's Topeka Bernie. Nobody makes 5K a month... You can't go knocking on the door at Pilgrimage Boulevard. You sold that house... Topeka is not Israel... We are not Mormon... It's the selfishness and lack of giving that has caused for no jubilation in this congregation. We must give a decent amount of food to enjoy Yom Yerushalayim... No rationing falafel balls. Fairness comes when you understand it is not yours. When you understand that Kiddish isn't yours. When you understand that nobody wants you to sing at a bonfire. When you learn about Yom Yerushalayim. You jubilate with Paskesz... Paskesz candies are religious. Sadie. They are part of our tradition... I am sweating. Hence there is no joy... Ancestral heritage without a decent AC unit? Gd would never have done that... The land was returned with AC. You didn't take the unit with you when you left... And go to Israel... Even for Yom Yerushalayim. How do we celebrate Israel by not going??? Exactly. I don't understand the board of our shuls... I know they have Paskesz in The Mountains. You get Osem in Israel.... Stop worrying about money. The shul raised 300k last month. That should've covered a third bag of marshmallows. That should cover a jubilee. Where is the money? Chazak Chazak vNitzchazek. Be strong and there will be food... I am moving to Israel. I'm sick of this AmAratzut... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi didn't move to Israel. He said he has more inheritance in America. Even so, he was mad about nobody visiting Israel. He noted that if the nonJews of Topeka knew what Jews were, it would be dangerous in Topeka, and there would be no Paskesz. The shul raises money and then they charge for everything. I think they just raise money to raise it. When the rabbi now goes to a Simcha, if there isn't a good spread, he notes they're godless people. The Hendelmans didn't have a smorgasbord. The rabbi told me they're heretics. If you believe in Gd you will trust that He will provide food for all the guests, and there will be enough for you for the next three years. That's unless it's a Kiddish by one of our congregants, a holiday with our board, or a Hendelman Simcha. Yes. The shul has a weather committee. At the beginning of their meetings they watch the news and look at the ten day forecast. Then they discuss who is going to come and who is not. And they still have no idea how to work the AC unit. They've called the weather station to get the anchor to announce a snowstorm so people would come to shul. They figured that if the congregants couldn't go to the lake, in fear of an incoming storm, they would go to shul. It turns out that even when our congregants have nothing to do, they would rather not go to shul. AC has been fixed. Meaning, a new unit has been installed. The weather committee did the finances, and they realize it's too expensive to run the unit. The casing of the AC unit looks nice. A beautiful white coat. The rabbi created a new rule that you have to serve Paskesz at all shul events, so that we can go to Shamaim. To quote the rabbi, 'Heaven is lined with Paskesz soursticks.' All members of the shul cancelled their Israel trips. Thanks to the shul announcements, Israel lost a hundred thousand dollars. They listened to the rabbi and there were three falafel balls a person at the Yom Yerushalayim celebration. It was still pathetic. No jubilating. There was no Tahini. Tags:
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Don't be a Chilul H'. We ask the members of our community to mow their lawns. It would appear that most of our membership is not aware that grass grows in the spring, even when it's on their front lawn. A neighbor came to the rabbi and said they are starting to hate Jews because of weeds. Your dandelions are causing antisemitism. Lag BOmer marshmallows in a fire pit. That is the event this year. There will be no bows and arrows. As we learned last year, bonfires with bows and arrows is dangerous. Marshmallows makes the arrows more dangerous. The Jazz Festival falls out on Lag BOmer. We want to thank the city council for finally scheduling something that works with our holiday. The Comedy Festival during Tisha BAv was not well attended by Jews last year, and the town board was offended. No more creative Kiddishes. Just because it is somebody's Simcha, does not give them the right to serve vegetarian choolante. Due to the Berkman Kiddish last week, we have decided that all Kiddishes must either have meat or a full hot pasta buffet with cheesecake. As a community, we would like to take back our Mazel Tov on the Berkman Bat Mitzvah. The salad and beans brought happiness to nobody. Members are asking that the Berkmans return their gifts. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vaikra 21:17-24) A Kohen 'that has a blemish shall not come close to offer the food of Gd... nose has a bridge... one limb longer than the other...' Yes. Bernie. If a limb is longer than the other they can't do a sacrifice. If the hem is off a little, you're forbidden from bringing sacrifices... Yes. They are still Jewish. They just can't do the Kohen service. 'or who has abnormally long eyebrows... dry skin...' This congregation does not lotion themselves. The skin on this congregation. I can't even shake hands Good Shabbis. I say hi and I feel like I've got sandpaper rubbing my skin off my hand. This congregation would have never been able to be Kohanim. I see the Kohens Duchen. The most chapped hands... Your hands are disgusting. I don't even think your blessing counts... That should be the law. You can't sacrifice with dry skin, and you can't greet people Good Shabbis... I know you work in landscaping. You get home. You lotion up... It's not about you Sam. It's about the people you're saying Good Shabbis to. Bad skin... Do you want skin falling into your Karban?! Chapped hands all over your meat... In our shul, we should stop people without hand lotion from getting Aliyahs... No. I know he has big eyebrows. Anthony Davis is not a Kohen... Biggest putdown back in the times of the Beis HaMikdash were, 'You would be Pasul from Kehnuaship service.' That's offensive. The bullies would say that... Kohens also didn't have ugly lawns. If they saw the Frankel's lawn, it would have been written, 'Kohens with lawns like the Frankels can't approach the altar.' We should burn your lawn for Lag BOmer. That's how messed up it is… There is a community that is not Jewish that pays people to mow their lawns. They know you’re not a farmer... Your hands are soft and they're chapped. It should look good... Things have to be done right. Kiddish should look good and tasted good. Everybody loves cheesecake Dr. Berkman... The Bat Mitzvah wasn't a Simcha. Nobody was happy... If the Kohanim got the haircuts, you got last Lag BOmer, they would not be allowed to sacrifice. It looked like chapped hair... Dandruff. A lot of dandruff. You don't want that in your sacrifice either... They could still eat of the sacrifices, unlike Metzora and Zavs. We will get into those people who couldn't even eat with their families next week... They messed up and they looked off... If it was a Berkmans Kiddish sacrifice, no Kohen would want to eat it anyways... Rivka’s Rundown Ugly people were offended when they heard they couldn't be Kohens. By the way, the Kohen family are not good-looking people. I don’t even think they’re Kohens. After the sermon, everybody was trying to figure out if other congregants' sleeves were off a bit. They were trying to figure anything they could do to not give people Aliyahs. There is a lot of fighting for Kibudim (honors in shul). One guy stole the Anim Zemirot leadership for his son on Shabbat by telling the Gabai the other kid had a pimple. I her Rachel tell Mark he would've never been able to bring a Karban. That hurt. I think that relationship is over. The rabbi tried selling Ahava products at the end of his sermon. He told everybody there will be an Ahava showing on Monday at his home. He said it was to support Israel, but I think he's definitely getting a commission. The marshmallows were a weak Lag BOmer experience. You can put hotdogs on a stick too. Everybody smelled disgusting for days after the marshmallow making. I didn't know smoke could smell that bad. It smelled great with the fire. Mixed with cotton, it's disgusting. And apparently, our congregants don't do laundry very often. Three foot sticks is not enough. You need at least eight feet on your stick to get enough distance from the fire. The cheesecake requirement made everybody happy. The Berkmans sponsored the cheesecake Kiddish on Shavuot, to make up for their Bat Mitzvah follies. Their daughter, Leah, is now allowed to keep her gifts. The Jazz festival was nice. Our Chazin didn’t sing at it. Tags:
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Yaakov’s brother was always deceptive when playing cards. He’d just say, ‘Esav.’ You get it? That‘s his name. When you‘re playing cards and that‘s all they say, you don‘t know if it‘s an ace of diamonds, an ace of hearts, spades... You don't know. He's only saying Esav. Not very helpful. 
Wearing Israeli flags. Showing their support for Israel at the rally in DC. It would’ve been smarter if they brought coats. Based on experience, flags don’t work as good windbreakers.
Come out to see David Kilimnick in Rochester, NY. September 19th and 20th... Click on the picture for tickets
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
11/26/2023
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