They asked him questions about holiday laws and traditions, because he had Simcha. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? They mistook Simcha for Smicha. Simcha is happiness. Smicha is rabbinic ordination. You usually ask the rabbi questions about Jewish laws and traditions. People like asking happy people questions. Simchat Torah is coming up. You're supposed to be happy on holidays. That was the impetus for this pun. Felt it important to explain. Without an explanation, this pun cannot be understood; which is what makes this an excellent pun. He left the shul real dirty after Sukkot with his Lulav and Hoshanos, and leaves. You get it? Hoshonos are willow branches. The leaves get left on the floor after we whack them on Hoshana Rabbah. He leaves leaves there. And he leaves, and he leaves a mess too. With leaves. Puns are about the lesson. Not the humor. What’s it called when a bird gets hit at a baseball game? A fowl ball. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A foul ball is when a baseball is hit out of play. Fowl is birds. The ball could've been in play, but it hit a bird. Hence, a fowl ball. That would be ironic; a fowl ball that's not a foul ball. Noach also saves birds in the Parsha. He didn't save baseball games- another pun waiting to happen. How much did Avraham take to Canaan? Not sure. He definitely took a Lot. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? He took his nephew Lot along, as well as a lot of other people and stuff. A Lot. A lot. Spelled the same, but with a different pronunciation. He took somebody named Lot. Who was the teacher in the first place Avraham settled? Elon. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Elon Moreh is the first place Avraham settles when he's in Israel. Moreh means teacher. Elon was the teacher's name. With puns, education comes first. We're very proud of the educational value of this pun. Efron didn't want to sell the field, but Avraham got him to cave in. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? The field Avraham bought was that of the Cave of Machpelah, MaArat Hamachpelah. The cave is in the field. Efron caved in and sold it. That's your pun for this week. Education. Esav wanted soup on top of the door. But Yaakov didn't have any lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A lintel is a beam on top of a door. It sounds like lentil. Same letters. We learn the red stuff Esav wanted was lentil soup. Lintel. Lentil. What's the difference... Jews will get blamed. Tags:
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Announcements
We checked with the rabbi. Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Though many Jews celebrate with eating turkey on Friday night, it's not part of the holiday. Even if you are living in Israel, the rabbi said there is no requirement to celebrate two days. In addition: Contrary to what our community has done, we want to make it clear that cooking turkey is not the same as cooking brisket. We are going to be sending out a petition to change the name of Black Friday. It sounds like a plague and it is just a matter of time before they blame the Jews for it. Please sign the petition. Shul protests are best done with the walk out. Our congregants have begun a new form of protests and the rabbi is fine with it. As long as there is a Minyin, the rabbi is happy with congregants leaving in anger because they weren't honored with opening the ark. To quote the rabbi, 'Less congregants in shul is better for everybody.' Historical fact: When first in America, the rabbis didn't know if turkey was kosher. Then they found out you can make pastrami out of it. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom... Yakov tells Esav to sell him his Bechora for the soup… Soup can be quite tasty, if you add soup nuts to it. A good thick soup with soup nuts... Yes. Esav sold it. It was lentil soup. Who doesn’t love lentil soup… If he would’ve understood the importance of the firstborn birthright, the Bechora, he would’ve kept it… Lentil soup is enticing. I know. It was his attitude. The same kind of attitude I get from the board, and the Kalem family. He was thirsty, but it was his attitude. Nobody clenches their thirst with lentil soup… We had lentil soup and brisket at Thanksgiving dinner. I still needed Coke… It wasn't gazpacho, Bernie. And you don't clench thirst with gazpacho... I know it's red. You also don't save a parched mouth with Bloody Marys. Tomato soup doesn't clench... Nothing red, other than Kool-Aid clenches thirst. Esav’s response (Bereishit 25:32) ‘Behold I am going to die. What use is this birthright to me?!’… What is it to me? It’s your birthright… That’s how you see the shul’s halls… It’s nothing to you. You think that once you die, the carpet isn't important. There is more to the shul than you... You're the firstborn. Your family is greater than you. Stuff exists after you're dead. The way the board sold the back hall for eighty dollars… It’s an eighty dollar a month rent and they have a restaurant back there. You sold something important and now it’s not the shul’s anymore… We can’t even park in the lot for Minyin… Their patrons get mad… You know how many congregants we lost because you sold the back of the shul to a fish joint. The shul now smells like fried fish… ‘Oh. The shul is going to die. What is it to us?’ You’re killing the shul… ‘What use to me?’ What can I get out of it? No care for anything but himself. No soul. Like the board. That’s why he got rid of the birthright.... Then why did you get rid of the picture of the two religious guys dancing... It's not mocking them. It's a great picture of two religious guys... Yes. It's a cartoon and they have big heads and payis... We have to care. We have to care about how a turkey comes out. Or it’s not tasty. We have to care about who’s leading davening… Or everybody will walk out. We’ll have a Chazin like this... You'll kill the shul. We have to care about Black Friday… Or they’ll blame the plague on Jews… It’s a plague of not caring. It’s a plague of not thinking there will ever be good deals again. It’s a plague of sales dying. Care about the shul… Or it will turn into a restaurant… You killed it. You gave it away. When you think that death is final, you don’t care… Stuff lasts. The stains on the sofa in the back of the shul from the drunk patrons… No. Not of the shul. Of this sushi joint.. Bereishit (25:34) ‘And Esav spurned the birthright’… He couldn’t stand it. He held it in contempt... He was mad. He walked out... Great way to protest. But it's about him. The same way Herman goes off for a half hour with his Misheberyachs. It's about him... Well we now have contempt for Herman, killing our Shabbis with making the Torah reading take an extra hour... You spurn stuff. A lot of spurning... Who here is a Bachur?... You spurn it. When you get rid of something beautiful, like a good couch, you hate it. This is why so many of you hate the Gabai… The last Gabai was amazing… And the last president was not this president… The president should have no right. Dumb decisions that ruin the shul... You spurn it. You're all about spurn. Because you don't love it. You ruined it, so you spurn it. You gave away the shul to wasabi... Even your kids spurn. Now the kids hate coming to shul… Candies taste disgusting when you smell fish. They now spurn fish... They used to love gummy fish until they smelled fried fish... Rashi says Esav didn’t like the birthright because he knew it came with requirements. A higher level of action… It would be nice if the shul president saw it as a calling to do something positive... Well, you do nothing positive. You do stuff like throwing out a great picture and telling everybody about the Black Friday Plague sale... You run away from responsibility. You care about it, you're just lazy. The same reason none of our membership likes softball... There's a requirement to be decent... That's why we always lose... To not want to serve H’ is the sin. To mess up the shul with long mishebeyrachs, a fish store and getting rid of the one decent painting... I know it's a print. The painting was the one good gift given to the shul... Esav fought his gift. He fought it because it took effort. It got in the way of his enjoyment. 'What is it to me?' When you start thinking about you, there are problems. You start doing long mishebeyrachs and you don't share the armrest. In H's house, that's a sin... I heard this idea. 'You do you.' What does that mean??? Who is You? And why is You doing You? Simmy doing Simmy is not good... Simmy messes up everything. Just being Simmy is Bitul Zman (a waste of time)... We need to adopt the phrase, 'Don't do you. You shouldn't do anything that is you.' And no more 'you go girl.' We're not living in the 1997... Did the storm out. It was a great walk out… It was a protest against the Davener. I get it. Because the Davener, the one leading the service, was doing themselves. Somebody told them, 'When you're up there leading the Musaf, do you. You do you.' It’s that attitude that life ends... If you didn't think life was ending, then why did you do a half hour of Mishebeyrachs, Herman?... And why do you do you?! You're not even the Chazin... And why would you get rid of our history? A great painting of guys with payis flying all over, if life doesn't end, and there is a continuation of the soul?... That cartoon is the soul of our people... Why should I do good? Why should I think about others? Because you don't want to end up with a president who's always thinking about lentil soup... Why are we having lentil soup for Kiddish today? It's not even cold this weekend... No. It does not clench thirst... 'I am going to do me.' That’s why you guys are always sinning... Those kids going to Israel for free never spurned their Birthright... They care about free trips to Israel. No responsibility. That’s why they love it... Esav hated the Birthright because it wasn't free... Do the mothers of the shul ask ‘why my children? Why are my children doing my children?’… Rivka asked why her kids are fighting… They’re fighting right now. In the hall. We can all hear it... Children are the future. She was worried her kids would end up like congregants... Annoying... Have you ever been to a board meeting? Always fighting... It's the selfishness of thinking there is nothing after death that leads to people giving up Birthrights and wasting their time, like the congregants of Beis Emes uSefilah, smelling fried fish, throwing away great art... It's not even kosher... It leads to you doing you. And when you do you, we get messed up Thanksgiving dinners with brisket. You get Sushi Palaces with half off on tempura being announced between Mincha and Maariv... We should be announcing learning. But they're coming into Davening to announce sales. We got a guy with a Tzedaka charity box going around, and Jimbo the chef passing out flyers... We know it's half off Wednesdays... Show you care. Protest. Don’t give in. Don’t spurn. Fight for what’s right. Next time the Chazin messes up, bang the Bima... Banging the table is a good protest too. It scares everybody... Don't 'DO YOU'... Yes. Thanksgiving is Jewish. Hoda'ah. Thanks... Just be thankful. If Esav was thankful, he would have understood the birthright... I don't know what that means. I'm not thankful for the Sushi Palace... And the Sushi Palace doesn’t even sell lentil soup... Because the Sushi Palace does sushi. Jimbo does Jimbo... Rivka’s Rundown Why did the board get rid of the dancing Chasidim. I like how that picture hung right by the social hall. It prepared us for the Simchas, showing us 'this is how Jews dance.' Always brilliant advice from our rabbi. That’s why I come to shul. The rabbi is very correct about the recipes for clenching thirst. Anything with tomatoes doesn’t clench. Daniella thinks spaghetti with sauce helps a dry mouth. She's a fool. Her kids are never well hydrated. Between us, I am scared of Black Friday now. I don’t want to catch it. A lot of selfishness in the shul. The rabbi is right about this 'you do you' stupidity. Less and less people have paid their dues doing themselves. The whole community is now doing themselves and I hear the shul doesn't have a Minyin. And I looked it up. 'You go girl' is from 1997. They took the rabbi’s advice. The next time they protested the Chazin they banged the Bima. It scares people on Rosh Chodesh, when they bang the table. And it scared the Chazin into going faster. Due to the new walk out protesting method, the rabbi is now supporting the Chazin and calling up people to the Torah that nobody likes. He has very strong mixed feelings about the walk out method. Firstly, it shows discontent and the rabbi agrees with that. Sometimes, they have lost a Minyin, as everybody did themselves, leaving the shul. Secondly, congregants are leaving the shul, and that makes the rabbi happy. He is very happy not seeing them. So he supports the walk out and doesn't support it. That was a long firstly. That was a firstly and a firstly and a half. It truly smells like fish when you come into the shul. The restaurant in the shul is a bit much. They really do push to the congregants. The flyers are a bit much. Jimbo even came over to the women's section. There's not enough street traffic, as the shul hallway is in the back of the shul and you get there through the parking lot. They have a person standing there with the catch of the day, trying to lure the congregants in for dinner. They should've thought about the traffic before opening. I think they were hoping to capture business from the shul's membership. They don't even pay their dues. They want to hang a huge banner in front of the shul. The rabbi is not a big fan of Holy Congregation Beis Emes uSefillah being written on the wall in Biblical style writing, and then to have a huge neon 12 by 18 foot neon sign for Sushi Palace. They figure their slogan also speaks on behalf of the shul. 'We roll your sushi like the Torah scroll.' The kids in our shul that go on Birthright feel no responsibility. I can tell you. They help with nothing. The kids in shul were fighting the whole sermon. They were doing themselves. It was a loud fight over Milk Duds. I think they get the wrong idea of the shul being a place of entertainment, as we got the chairs from the old movie theater that shut down. There's still gum on the seats. You hear fighting and you smell fish. That's the environment at Beis Emes uSefilah. People in the shul have to stop doing them. If they keep doing themselves the next Bar Mitzvah's Mishebeyrachs are going to be a good hour and a half. All issues aside. The Thanksgiving brisket was outstanding. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Chayei Sarah11/20/2022
Announcements
No Simchas this week. B”H. Everybody should show up for Kiddish an extra half hour early. Being we don't have to deal with Bar Mitzvah kids, the Torah reading will be read at a normal speed. There will also be no Hosafot and no Mishebeyrachs. And you don’t have to pretend like you are happy for the Balei Simcha, and that you love waiting for them. The shul is now focusing on the future. That means kids. Not old people. All senior members should still pay their dues and whatever they pledged. Rebranding is the goal. And that means trying to forget that old people come here. Along with getting rid of as many congregants as we can, we’re thinking of a new name for the shul. Any ideas for a new name from people who are under eighty will be appreciated. We don’t want to call the shul Thelma. To reiterate, the seniors should still give donations. Congregants need to smile. Seeing the members of the congregation is more depressing than hearing our Chazin lead Musaf. Seat fights must stop. The post-holiday seats are back to normal, and we’re back to the regular numbers of twelve percent capacity. You can all take your seats back that the board stole from you for the Chagim. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No Simchas this week. We’re going to talk about death. Maybe you'll smile if we talk about death... Well nobody smiled at Ephraim's Bar Mitzvah... Avraham honors the life of Sarah. Chayei Sarah... Honoring death is honoring life. And you won't even pay for a plaque... You guys don’t honor the shul... The shul's history. That's its life... Yes. Nobody sponsoring Kiddish is the life of the shul. Tradition... The shul has a history… Your parents and grandparents are part of it. Family that has passed away… I understand the board wants to not focus on death. This is the first shul board I have ever met that doesn’t understand fundraising… They want to rebrand. How about we rebrand the board and get rid of the president… It’s fine. I have another three years on my contract… The president before you thought it would be a good idea to have a rabbi for more than one year. A rabbi that lasts. Tradition… Yes. A rabbi that understands history and family... You don’t rebrand Judaism... You want to rebrand the shul as a jungle gym. Let’s rebrand with smiles... You’re unhappy all the time. Even when you are happy, you're not happy… That’s how you look. The back left is the darkness in our lives… You bring darkness to my life… It’s Shabbis. Oneg. Delight. And then I see the back left. Rebranding are shul as darkness... It’s dark to change people’s seats for the holidays… The board brings darkness to our lives. They take away tradition and bring darkness. When you take away people’s seats it’s dark. You're taking away their connection to the past... You might as well give them candy and let them know they can go home... You want the shul to be rebranded as Halloween... People need seats. They need their chairs. Their grandparents had chairs. It’s about warmth and tradition. That takes commitment… Avraham doesn’t take the field from Efron. He wants ownership of MaArat HaMachpela. Commitment. He wants to make sure that future generations connect with their ancestors, unlike the board who wants the future generations to connect Hot Tamales... You can connect to Hot Tamales and your ancestors… That's tradition. Nobody looks back to the history of their children to learn from how they made it to the blue math-book in first grade... Yes. I was proud of myself for making it past the red math-book, but that's not tradition... That's not tradition, Richard... Smiles are tradition... They smiled. The last generation smiled. That's why people came to shul... No. They don’t like being around you. The lights went off above you. That’s how dark your area of the shul is… The kids smile because of the candies... Then start giving out candy to the back left of the shul... Ownership. To purchase it… Shul is about tradition… People give money for family members who passed. Take ownership… It shows you care and you want to connect. Give your rabbi a raise... (Bereishit 23:11) ‘Just if you will listen to me. I give the price of the field and I will bury my dead there.’ If the board would ever listen... Let’s see if the board listens and stops making decisions… This way we can honor the shul. If we got rid of the board, we would honor the shul, as Avraham honored Sarah. Avraham could convince Efron to raise money off death. That he can make good money off of Jewish ancestors passing. I can’t convince the board… It would be nice if the board understood the Torah. You have to do stuff yourself. That's why I do everything for this place... You can't depend on a board. The board of Chevron wasn't easy to deal with either. The shul has a history… I don’t know what it is. But it’s ours. It’s a history. We have to take ownership of it. Commitment… I know none of you will volunteer. You never help. But that is part of our tradition… We can’t let other people do what is ours. We can’t have other people smile for us. We can't ask other people to do stuff and say they can't help. We must ask our members... They won't help. But that's tradition. We take ownership of not being helpful... As Rashi says, Avraham is saying ‘I can’t do this.’ I can’t let other people do my responsibilities. I can’t take a field for the one that I love. I have to pay for it… Yes. His kids were mad. That was part of their Yerusha (inheritance). The only thing that the congregants do take ownership of is armrests… You will fight with your elbows all day. You take people’s seats on the High Holidays... You moved forward during Davening Simcha. You were in the Keter plastic chair section... You did not pay for cushioned seats... How do you deal with death? When you get rid of the history of the shul, you’re killing it If somebody could pay the shul’s electric bill… It’s dark in that area of the shul… If you focused on the seniors, there would be money for electric bills. There would be more light. If you focused on people’s ancestors… They pay for tradition. That means family members that passed... You're all sad over here because you don't focus on old people and death... Even Richard and Frank, with all their darkness, would give money for family who has gone... We’re doing a shul trip to Maarat HaMachpelah… Rivka’s Rundown I like how the rabbi brought up death. We’re always focused on Simchas and celebrations. We need to focus more on death in the congregation. The rabbi is right. If we focused on death more, we'd be happier. The shul also needs money. Death is the way to get it. The new Yizkur books are messed up. They don’t have a death feel to them. That’s why nobody gave donations on Yom Kippur. Cards weren’t flipped. I want to write on the Yizkur cards, ‘Flip a lot of money. Your family member died.’ Nobody in the shul helps. The tradition of our shul is to say 'no.' People ask you to help and you tell them 'I can't.' We have to keep that tradition going. It's how we connect with our ancestors. People came to shul because of the non-Simcha happiness. The not having to pretend like you’re happy for the people celebrating was the sale. And some of the congregants were even smiling. Kiddish was bad though. Nobody took that part into account. They came for a a quick Davening and good Kiddish. Because there was no party, Kiddish was Kichel. With Bar and Bat Mitzvahs you at least know they’ll have some cake with frosting on it. Kids don’t eat Kichel. Once they've stopped teething, they don't eat Kichel anymore. Richard really does look unhappy. His face has the look of a mourner. I think the back left of the sanctuary took the ‘you bring darkness to my life’ as a complement. The men in the back left seemed flattered. A lot of seat anger in the shul. I can't blame them. The board is rebranding and taking their seats. They've had the seats for fifty years and the board decided that kids are more important than ensuring people get their seats for Yom Kippur. The rabbi wrote a book and handed it to everybody. It was about a history. It was called Tradition: Members Don't Help. It then went on to describe how the board messed up tradition, with new ideas like getting involved. And that killed the shul. The idea of tradition and people coming to shul to connect with tradition doesn’t hit the board. The names the board came up with for the shul's rebrand: Beit Knesset People. The Kinderlach Congregation. Teen Minyin. Pillar of No Old People Congregation. Beis No Grandparents. Anshei Donations Are More Important Than Minyin. The rabbi did a shul trip to Maarat HaMachpelah. I think it was a vacation for him. It was just him and his family that went. The rabbi was happy The reason why nobody smiles is they all think about life. Their lives are depressing. Look at our congregants. Can't even cook a decent kugel. If they thought about death more, they would be happier. They don't honor death. Congregants won't pay for a plaques. They say the plaques are too expensive. Was four hundred shekels too much for Avraham? At least the rabbi is focusing on old dead people. He's putting up the fight against the board and their new branding. As of right now, the board made it clear they hate old people who don't have a lot of money. The rabbi is thus only focusing on wealthy older people. The Finkelmans, a wealthy eighty year old couple, paid for his trip to Israel. Speaking about liking death, the rabbi seemed to love Maarat HaMachpelah. He hung a great picture of him and his family happy and smiling at the burial site of our forefathers and mothers. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Vayeira11/14/2022
Announcements
We are asking parents to donate a slide, so the kids have something to do when they come up for Adon Olam. Many of the congregants are not happy that the kids are running around the Bima and sliding down the handrails. A slide in shul will help with decorum. The kids know that you wait in line for the slide. Kids must not show off their candy in the front of the shul. They are sitting on the Bima in the front of the shul and waving their candies. Many congregants are getting jealous and jealousy is forbidden. From now on, if the kids are bringing candy into shul the youth director has to bring sour sticks for everybody. Candymen cannot discriminate against the elderly either. If children run around in the front of the shul, they have to wave flags. Instead of candies, the youth director has been advised to hand out flags. We’re changing the Shul Kaddish sayer. He’s depressing everybody. People are walking away from the mourners Kaddish too depressed. Visit the sick. Something people in this congregation should do. It’s an announcement because nobody does it. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Kaddish is depressing. It sounds like somebody just died. Every time... You appear with your Kaddish, Tzimi, and people are depressed. They don't even get that down thinking of their loved ones during Yizkur... 'Vayeira,' 'And H" appeared to Avraham...' It's about appearing at the right time... It was hot out… I know Avraham was sick and he still welcomed the guests. He appeared. You have it hard. You still visit the sick... Back to the point. That doesn’t mean that the sick should visit you. Let's focus on the Mitzvah of visiting the sick... Because you people could care less. You haven't visited the nursing home... You appear there and your parents might think you care. The shul might get a decent donation... You show up and you care for the sick. H' appeared and He cared... No. You don't care. The kids are running around the Bima like it’s a jungle gym… Yes. It’s wrong… I know they’re kids. That’s why we have playgroups… They injure themselves there. We don't need to all witness them getting hurt... I don’t know what kind of parent lets their kids have six taffys… That’s how kids get sick... Avraham wasn’t sick from candy. Avraham had his Bris. That’s why he was sick... Maybe he could’ve used some candy. Twizzlers might have brightened the mood for Avraham. I know candy is why they come to shul… There’s a limit. And there’s a limit to rubbing it into our faces. Running around the Bima and showing off their candies to all of us. Shira screaming, 'Look at me!' Waving her taffies... I don't know what kind of parent lets their kids run around shul, and doesn't visit the nursing homes... Kaddish is making people sick. Your Kaddish is such a downer, The monotone is depressing... We need a more upbeat Kaddish... You visit the sick… Coming to shul isn't visiting the sick. It's being around the not well. Bernie is... I know we all feel sick after hearing that Kaddish.... You visit the sick. You welcome guests. You do a decent Kaddish. Your kids don’t run on the Bima. And you host people right… Zerizut. You hurry to do Mitzvahs... You visit the sick like the angels, and you do stuff fast, like Avraham... Well. That's how you do it... I don't know how fast the angels walked. They didn't stop off for a drink on the way… You don’t visit the sick fast. You don’t come in and say ‘I got to go.’ Why don't you at least visit the sick?! You don't even visit... You get their fast. Zerizut is getting to the Mitzvah. The problem is you do the MItzvahs fast. You don't honor your parents by telling them, 'I've got to run.' You do every Mitzvah fast, other than Musaf. Because the Chazin likes to sing... You guys are so lazy when it comes to Mitzvot... Do it when you have time? That’s how you guys parent. Avraham hustled to do the Mitzvah... Avraham couldn’t move and he moved faster than the Chazin… It’s a long Davening... Eating on Shabbat is a Mitzvah. The Chazin is killing the meal... You're stealing our meal time... (Bereishit 18:6) ‘And Avraham hurried to the tent to Sarah, and he said, “Hurry up… and make cake.” And Avraham ran to the cattle…’ He did stuff fast. He didn’t make them wait, like you do with your long depressing Kaddishes. He didn’t make his guests wait… You didn’t even serve meat. It was Beyond Burger. That’s not meat… Stop. That’s a lie. It’s still different. It’s good, but it’s different. It’s a vegi-patty… Avraham wasn’t out to deceive his guests… And Sarah didn’t fight… That is where the tradition of men manning the grill and not baking comes from... You move slow. We didn't have a Minyin for twelve minutes... You were the tenth. You were at the backdoor. It took you twelve minutes to make it from the backdoor to the sanctuary... Conversation. Moving slow. It's all the same... Were you having a conversation with the Cazin??? Avraham was sick and he was less lazy than you… No. You run to visit the sick. They don’t have to run to greet you. Why I have to explain these things… You have no idea what a Bris feels like. Bernie. Avraham had his Bris when he was around your age. You had it when you were eight days old… Yes. Tim converted. He was under sedation… The only people running in this shul are the kids. Because they’re excited to jump on the Bima… They’re excited to slide down the handrails… The banister is not monkey bars. Chaya. Be a parent. They're waving candies like they represent their country... I know some of the sour sticks have lines. And they do look like European flags. Do the kids even know about Hungry, Romania and Lithuania?... It's like they're proud citizens of Ferrara Pan... Maybe if you visited the sick. If you appeared at a nursing home every once in a while, the kids would be right... Yes. They would run and trip over some old people in wheelchairs... It's better than them doing somersaults during Musaf. Even if it's taking way too long, because the Chazin moves slow... Once you get to the Mitzvah, you relax. When you are with the Mitzvah, you don’t run anymore. You do it... You appear correctly. And you don't do flips on the rabbi's shtender... Rivka’s Rundown The congregants got the wrong message. They started doing everything faster. The Amidah prayer was done in thirty-five seconds. People really move slow to Mitzvot. They show up to Minyin real late, even when they're there. Our rabbi is always able to bring history into his sermons. I never knew where the tradition of men manning the grill came from. It’s like a park. The kids are now running around the shul. Parkour is the worst thing that ever happened to our shul. They were playing hide and go seek during Anim Zmirot. One kid was hiding behind the curtain. I heard that some of the kids have been studying acroYoga. I am afraid they’re going to cirque du soleil the ark curtains. Parkpour into the curtains and then swing down on the drapes. The rabbi is right. The candies are a bit much. There was a fight in shul, as many parents didn’t want their kids having candy. Those kids didn’t want to come to shul anymore. Why would you come if your parents don’t give you candy???!!!! So now, kids are stocking up on the stuff, just in case their parents ban candy again. It’s an addiction. The powder candy too. That stuff has me questioning if it's laced. It might be the laced stuff that has them running around and sliding down the Bima railings. You can't be on the wagon, thinking it's fine to flip over a railing in the middle of Adon Olam. Between us. The kids don’t even need the candy. They’re crazy. And now that the shul is trying to draw more kids, they’ve put in for a monkey bars grant. They’re going to place the bars between the men’s and women’s sections. Why they’re trying to draw kids, I don’t know. I don’t know how they can afford the dues. They definitely won't be able to afford the canteen the board is adding to the back left of the women's section. Working on Kaddish synchronizations isn’t easy. If there's a good mourners’ choir, the depressing drone will be overshadowed. The rabbi had the Kaddish people practicing in acapella form. The board suggested a band to back them up. Fools. These people making decisions in the shul don’t get Shabbis. Truth be told. If a band can drown out the drone, it might be better for the congregation. I am sure the rabbi can find a Heter. Many of the congregants were shocked to hear that the veggie-patties are not meat. The message of appearing for the sick is a beautiful one. If any of our congregants visited the people in the nursing home, that would be a miracle. Legends would be written about the appearance of somebody from our community that cares about the elderly. Truth is, if they circumcised the residents, some people might show up for the Seduas Mitzvah (the meal of celebration). At Kiddish, the members were all saying that they only showed up for Avraham, because they knew he had leftovers from the Bris. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Lech Lecha11/6/2022
Announcements
In a new effort to bring Jews closer to their faith, community members are now required to invite people for Shabbat dinner. The reason Jews aren’t Shomer Shabbis is they’re too lazy to cook. Many people have promised the rabbi that they'll start keeping the laws of Shabbat if they receive free meals, and free tuition for their children along with free meals at school. For people to remain religious, it was suggested that all choolante have kishka. Otherwise, more Jews will stop keeping Shabbis. Everybody should learn ‘VAta Banim Shiru Shiru.’ The shul is now using it at least twice every Shabbis. Until Shwekey puts out a better tune for Kedusha, that's what the shul will be doing. Yasher Koyachs need a reason. It seems our congregants are commending people on jobs well done when they've done nothing. No more using laundry as an excuse. We understand you have kids. You should still be able to show up for Minyin. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Lech Lecha. Go for yourself. Maybe show up to Minyin... Go for the shul. Maybe join another congregation... What does Avraham take when he leaves Charan?... Not laundry. He left with clean clothes. And he prayed with the community. You put in the load and leave. You don’t stand there and stare at it… You can load the dryer later. You show up to shul… Avraham would’ve showed up to shul… Yes. They smelled bad back then. I'm thinking about leaving this shul... I'm not a high school football coach. I can't even inspire you to come to Minyin. You'll be fine... (Bereishit 12:4) 'Avraham was seventy-five when he left Charan.' We can't even get Bernie to walk up for an Aliyah in less than five minutes... He walked all the way to Canaan. Yes. He was in shape. Seventy-five and a spring chicken... Maybe Canaan is where they retired to back in those days. I think spring chicken was used bakck then. You saved money staying with your parents, but the weather in Canaan was warm. Doctors suggested... Is that where you get it from Pinchas?! Get out of your parents’ house... I know you can save money like that. I know they do your laundry. They say that's why they don't come to shul... Tell your parents that laundry is not an excuse to not pray. They can't show up to shul because they have to take care of you?! He did stuff when he was seventy-five. So you're eighty, Bernie. Nobody cares. Do something. He left for Canaan. He left with a people. You won't even help setup for Kiddish... Leave the shul. Avraham's building tents, altars. He's doing stuff. You guys can't even help put together a bookcase for the shul library. How about carrying the choolante out for Kiddish??? 'Oh. My back.' Avraham had no moving company. No truck. He was the truck. They walked. They walked to their retirement, and then lived another hundred years... They lived for a long time. Probably because they weren't lazy and helped with Kiddish. And they didn't have to watch over their children... Maybe Lech Lecha is H' telling Avraham to get away from family. To run away from the children... Even when you're old, you have strength. Bernie is just no healthy. (Bereishit 12:5) He made souls in Charan... That's what he took with him. His built up wealth and the souls... He didn't just give up after he reached 50, like the Men's Club... You all gave up. Not one soul shows up... You put together the program, Frank. You put it together and you didn't even show... Then have a Shabbat meal. Make some decent BBQ, because you can't cook anything else, and have a decent Shabbat meal. That's how you make people religious... You can make people religious if you're out of shape and lazy like Bernie. You build altars. Activities. You need to do stuff and feed them... Do stuff. You're old. Go bowling. Play shuffleboard. Play BINGO. Watch Hallmark... He did more than invite them for dinner. He took them on a trip to Canaan. Birthright. Free trips makes people religious too. Not just free dinners He brought them, even though he had to do a lot more laundry... Laundry is not an excuse. Avraham didn’t use laundry as an excuse to live near his parents, so they could help him. And he still showed up to Minyin... You guys will use anything as an excuse to not help with Minyin... You don't work. You're retired... You can at least cook. How about this. Go on a trip. Go on a journey... And do something for your husbands. This isn't just about the men doing nothing. (Bereishit 12:11-13) And his wife had his back. He tells her they're going to Egypt, so she should go in harm's way, so they don't kill Avraham. That's a wife... She has her husband's back, Rachel... We're talking about Shalom Bayit of the shul, and Shalom Bayit of the home… Take a step up... Yes. Women also have to step up. You make people religious with food, and good tunes. Let the Chazin know his tunes are horrendous... 'VAta Banim' is a great tune… That’s why I use it all the time. There are no excuses. Do things right. You have strength when you're old... Some people, who keep in shape have strength... I know this is empowering. You need to be empowered to empower others. Avraham was empowered. Who here is empowered?... Nobody? OK. Well. Let us at least focus on helping make other people religious. We need good food, activities, trips and tunes. And we need to present Frumness right... Meaningful Yasher Koyachs make people religious... You have to congratulate people on a job well done right... Or nobody will be religious. You don't wish a Yasher Koyach when the guy bet on the right team. Yasher Koyachs are for positive reinforcement. You can’t wish a Yasher Koyach for everything. He kissed the Torah… He pulled an ark curtain and kissed the Torah… The guy walked into shul and you said ‘Yasher Koyach.’ You should’ve said ‘Good Shabbis'... Good Shabbis and Yasher Koyach are not the same thing... And you should say 'Thank you' sometimes. Yasher Koyach is not saying thank you. It's telling the guy he did the right thing, for you... It's wrong. Even if you're the Gabai, you sometimes say 'Thank you.' 'VAta Banim' is a good song… When we do it for Na’aritzcha, that deserves a Yasher Koyach… Even if the words don’t fit and we have to say a bunch of words fast, it still desrves a Yasher Koyach... Because it's a good song. It's a good song and the Chazin isn't singing it. Maybe thank me. Open up the curtain to the Aron is questionable. Pulling the curtain string to the ark really doesn’t deserve a Yasher Koyach... If it's the High Holidays and they paid two thousand dollars for it. Then, you wish them a Yasher Koyach... You give free stuff. Avraham took care of his followers… That’s why they followed him. He had good food and he took them on a trip... Shalom Bayit is with food Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi’s new free stuff to make people religious campaign was nixed, as it came off as anti-Semitic. The old people being able to do stuff was a strong message. It was confusing, as the rabbi kept on calling them old. But he said that you can still do stuff when you're old. They didn't help with Kiddish still. They also didn't help put the Siddurs back after Tefillah. The rabbi did empower some of the older people to start exercising, so they can walk to Canaan. The exercise turned into a shul powerlifting team for the elderly. The rabbi was trying real hard to get Bernie to move away. He wants him out of the shul. He even suggested Canaan, wherever that is. After the sermon, congregants were trying to figure out where Canaan is in Florida. They were hoping for a decent price on a condo. As Milt said, 'If it's good enough for Avraham, it's good enough for me.' When they heard that Canaan didn’t develop phase four yet, and there was no golf course, they decided to stay in Topeka. 'Do something for your husbands.' The rabbi was trying to get people to buy gifts for their spouses for Chanukah. It just got the wives mad. Next time, I think he will be better off telling the people to sacrifice their lives for Egypt. When it comes to equality, the rabbi has to understand that women should never have to risk a life. Is chivalry gone? He should've told the men to risk their lives. That would've gotten a better response. If the rabbi would've told the men to risk their lives for a decent meal, and to go shopping at Krogers, that would've been appreciated by all. That means the women. The message should've been that Avraham cooked for himself when Sarah was with Paroh. The rabbi has been singing that song. He must’ve heard the ‘VAta Banim’ song recently. He seems to love it, and uses it for everything. He even used it for Kiddish. At least he fits the tune and the lyrics. Or he tries. The tune doesn’t fit the words of all prayers, but our rabbi is a committed man, and he will use it for every song he sings. It’s his theme now. Like any good Balei Tefillah (somebody who leads Davening- not bringing the Chazin in here, because he's annoying and does his own thing- he doesn't lead), the rabbi has decided to never give into the words, and to keep the tune going no matter what. I’ve heard him throw in eight words to the last note of the song. He mistimes the words. But that is fine, as we know the tune. To note: Nobody became religious listening to the 'VAta Banim' tune. You have to already be religious to appreciate it. Shmuli wished the guy a Yasher Koyach when the guy came back from the bathroom. He was walking to his seat during Torah reading, so Shmuli thought he got an Aliyah. The rabbi really hurt feelings saying that the opening the ark Yasher Koyach is questionable. The men of our shul feel like big Machers when they pull the string to the curtain. I've heard the women of our shul say that their husbands never helped close a curtain in the house. For that matter, they have done nothing in the house. Knowing that Avraham took clean clothes to Canaan. That's information that only our rabbi would know. Huge laundry discussions happened in the shul at Kiddish. Then, meetings were heald during the week. The meetings were held during Minyin. So, the shul couldn't get a Minyin. Everybody is using Persil now. It's the new popular one. No discussions were held about hosting people for Shabbat dinner. I think the congregants decided they didn't want more religious Jews in the shul. They wanted the non-practicing Jews to join. Later on, the board decided to host wine and cheese programs. They figured that would keep the new members not religious. They also charged for the event. I fought with the board to have a herring and schnapps event. It didn't happen. I did what I could to support the rabbi and to try to help people become more religious. Rabbi Mendelchem ended up staying. He decided to stay and didn't go for himself. I believe he got caught up in the sermon, thinking he would head out and go on a journey to a new congregation 'for himself.' He didn't find another job, and he couldn't ask for the raise. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Noach10/30/2022
Announcements
No pelting candies at kids. If they are not celebrating their Bar Mitzvah, there is no reason to hurt them. The rabbi is religious. He has proven himself. His Shema is now taking an extra minute and fifteen seconds. The members can now look to the rabbi as a spiritual leader. He's also covering his head with the Tallis. Nobody could follow the services on Yom Kippur, and the page announcer is not loud enough for the old people, so we’re getting rid of page announcing. We're going to have a page scoreboard in the front of the shul. This way the old people and the shul's Bal Teshuvas can follow, and not bother people for page numbers constantly. New Rules: No forcing stories about your past jobs. Merv yawned at his own story about lawn-mowing. And he kept on going. That is not allowed anymore. It's abusive. No more overhand cupping on the handshak. It’s too gayvadik. You're required to not destroy the shul and smile at people. See the new paint job, now that your relatives who destroyed the shul are gone. We cleaned the candies off the floor as well. We also said Hello to people. Nobody sponsored Seudah Shelishit or Kiddish. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 6:13) H' tells Noach, 'The end of all flesh has come... for the earth is filled with robbery (chamas)...' And you still haven't paid your dues... Not sponsoring Shalishudis is stealing... Yes. It was hatred too. Hatred amongst people. Seeing the back left, you can understand... If it was this shul, it would be the annoying Bal Teshuvas telling everybody what to do... Yes. It's annoying and it makes people want to destroy the earth. Nobody wants to hear you say how to daven... I know. I close my eyes and say 'LMan Tzikuru' out loud. I do a long Shema. I'm a good rabbi. You just started doing this last month... A raise should come but the shul is filled with Chamas. The board does Chamas. People not being able to find the right page is another reason for destruction… Then don't tell people what to do, until you've learned how to find the page. You're a Bal Teshuva and it will take time. In the end, you'll be able to be annoying and tell people how to do stuff, like the Gabai does... Whipping candies at people. Destruction… You end up hitting Ethel. With all this negativity, (Bereishit 6:16) 'A window you should make for the ark, and finish it to a cubit from above...' With all the negativity he focuses on building an ark, and finishing it. The building fund thermometer has been at 100k for the past twelve years. We need 300k... That's why the building isn't finished... When there's a leak and that causes a hole in the roof, the building isn't finished, Bernie. Maybe donate something... It's like we're davening in a Sukkah... A window. A decent window... No. That's not a window. That's a picture of Avraham and sheep. To quote Artscroll, many commentators say it was the window Noach opened after the flood. Some say it was a precious stone that illuminated light within (Rashi). You need light. And that comes from an outside source. Not from the board. Not from messed up construction... There is not one window in the chapel... It's the connection. Even when inside, we are connected to the world. We're comforted by what's outside our home. That's not the point. I know you don't know what a cubit is. Nobody is asking Bernie to build it. His arm is the wrong size... Measurements are off all over this shul. You've got to slide sideways into the bathroom stall... When things get messed up, the light can’t come through. This shul has issues because light shines wrong in the sanctuary… Because you didn’t look at the architect’s sketches. The architect said a window and you put in a stained glass sketch of a sheep... Light comes through on a bright day, and I found a little spot that is clear glass... We have to be honest about the destruction, so we can build. So we can see the light that is not our membership... Messed up members ruining things... We need light. We don't need everything announced. Paying dues so we can fix the lighting issue in the congregation... Then a better window might not be necessary... Stained glass does not illuminate as well... Cleaning is not an announcement. It’s expected… No. Cleaning is not upgrading… And we can still see the dirt on the stairs… Wait till 10am when the sun hits the stair crack dust… You’re announcing pointless stuff. ‘The floor was cleaned.’ That’s not renovations... And why are kids throwing candies on the floor? It's destruction. That's how the world is destroyed. They threw the leftover lollipops on the ground and people stepped on them... That's at least how shoes are destroyed. If it wasn’t the pages that you couldn’t find, you were just talking throughout the service… How many times can you ask somebody the page?! It looked like you were asking Felvel what page we’re on all of davening… Well, you were talking the whole time then... You’ve been doing it for two weeks… No. Don’t tell us how to be Jews. First be religious for a year. Then you can bother people like the back left section of the shul... Merv. You yawned at your own story ‘Man. My story is boring.’ That's what you were saying while you were telling the story... Well your stories kill conversation. Even you were bored telling it... We need a better Kiddish…. People come to shul for Kiddish. They don’t come for sermons… I know my sermon is important. I get across the message to have a good Kiddish. Bad Kiddeshes destroy shuls and bring no light... It's all destruction. Yet. I try to find the light. I was concentrating on Davening. Looking outside. Focusing on not being here. It’s holiness. That’s what I do. Holiness… Yes. I close my eyes for an extra three minutes now… It’s not spacing out. It’s connecting to Gd. That’s why you wait an extra two minutes for the rabbi to finish the Amidah. Holiness. The holiness I bring. A light… (Bereishit 8:6) Noach opened the window after the flood. The first thing you do after a crisis is to connect to the world. It's what you want to do. I can't wait to leave shul. Every Shabbat... You guys won't even leave your homes to show up to Minyin. Minyin. A communal light for Kaddish... During a crisis, you look out the window. You see what’s outside. You see the hope. Then you leave it... Yes. COVID. Do I have to spell this out??? The shul has congregants, but the window is there. A window of Avraham. I can see out of it if I squint and find that little piece of regular glass that wasn't stained... It's called stained. The board should've known there's an issue with it when they installed it... It's hope. Hope to not be here. When I'm inside, stuck here with a Chazin who doesn't know a Nigun from his left foot. When there's a shul president who thinks we need to make a more democratic decision with Davening and vote if we should have a Minyin, there's a ray of light... A light that shines away from the board. A light of hope. And I shall open up that window when the weather permits... It's cold outside. Close it. The ark could use some touch ups... Not a window. It’s all this that causes robbery. The shul's annoyingness is what causes Chamas in the shul. Cupping of the hands to show you’re more important... The halls were destroyed. Relationships were destroyed with boring stories. There was hatred in the shul, and Seudah Shelishit was destroyed because nobody sponsored it... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi went off for a long time on how we destroy the shul. I think he mentioned at least fifty things that Bernie does himself that destroy the shul. There's hints of COVID in every sermon now. The alt-liberals in the shul didn’t like the rabbi’s sermon. They felt that it was against Chamas. The left-wing Jews are very pro-robbery in our shul. The rabbi definitely threatened to leave the congregation if he gets offered another job. 'Opening the window when the weather permits.' I know what that means. Now they’re whipping candies at kids that are Bar Mitzvahed. After Simchat Torah, the board realized that they need to candy throwing rules. They realized they can’t hamper the hankering for whipping candies at kids if they can whale on Bar Mitzvah boys. It helps a lot of families, stopping family fights at home. So, they limit it to hurting Bar Mitzvah kids. You can’t stop them from hurting Bar Mitzvah boys. It’s tradition. Everybody jumped on that opportunity of people not coming to shul for sermons. Rabbi should not have said that. He opened it up and there were boos heard in the congregation. One lady said, 'This is the first sermon I agree with.' Another guy just shouted, 'You stink.' I don’t know how the congregants needed the rabbi to say that before giving him trouble for giving sermons. Personally, I love the rabbi's sermons. I still enjoy the rabbi telling the members how messed up they are. The board has gotten annoying. They've started announcing everything. ‘And the shul has a new ping pong table…’ A ping pong table???? ‘And we cleaned’ What does that mean? Why are they announcing that the shul did something you do every week. Then the president is announcing, 'There's going to be Minyin at shul.' We know. And by the way. The shul had a ping pong table. Are the kids learning Torah on the table?! What’s the announcement for? The shul is getting a new page number board, so people can see what page we’re on. We’re going to have a referee flipping the numbers. The board argued for digital. When they rabbi explained that they only come on Shabbat, some of them understood why it had to be a number flipper set. The Bal Teshuvas telling everybody what to do, though they still can’t find the page. It’s annoying. The shul's group of Bal Teshuvas seems like they know what's going on, with big Kippahs and huge Sheitels, but they still can’t read Hebrew. Get the spot and then tell me what to do. This new girl asked me the page and then told me that I was not focused on my prayers properly. She told me I have to close my eyes more to have proper Kavanah (prayer focus). The rabbi has been closing his eyes a lot now when praying. It looks more penitent. People stare at the rabbi during his Kriyat Shema. Our rabbi has been adding an extra focus and an extra loud 'Tizkiru.' He's proving himself as holy. He even closes his eyes a lot more during davening, and shakes his head from side to side. I think he's going for a raise. It's a contract year. They really do stare at him. Some look at their watches. I saw one let out and angry sigh when the rabbi didn’t hit the minute fifteen on the Shema. She even threw up her arms. I think she joined a different congregation now. He’s trying hard. He’s making us wait for him to finish the Amida now. With the Tallis over his head, he’s truly showing he’s holy. The rabbi didn't really quote Artscroll. He paraphrased Artscroll, using their words. I saw the commentary right before his sermon. I want to suggest to the rabbi to not use Artscroll. It's too accessible to us, and it makes us feel too smart. He loses his rabbinic edge when he talks about stuff we know. And he loses the street cred he's gained with his long Shema. He used 'firmament' in his sermon. Nobody knows what that means. Using a translation into English that people don’t understand (not just the Hebrew), it adds to his holiness and brings back his edge a bit. They’ve got to give the rabbi a raise. The Bal Teshuva is causing problems. I call him the Bal Teshuva, because he's the annoying one. His parents also hate him now. He's telling them what to do too. Once he became religious, he told his mom she raised him wrong and she's going to Gehenim, unless if she gives his Yeshiva money. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Bereishit10/23/2022
Announcements
Now that family guests are gone, hallway playing and wrestling must stop. The shul has to put money in for hallway touch-ups. We'll never see money from guests. We do see destruction of the shul from them. Thus, dues have been raised, and we are doubling your card flips. Please think before you invite your family for the Chagim next year. We don’t want to see the Peskobergs again. People have to pay up for Mishebeyrachs. You flipped the cards, you have to pay those too. Pledges are something you have to pay. They’re not an idea for how much you think other people should give the shul. They're not a vote. Now that the High Holidays are over, the shul office will now be sending letters, to make sure you all pay. It will be a bill. Community diet begins now. The shul is too heavy. Though they commanded you to eat Kugel, no blaming the rabbis for your weight. The rabbi has declared only two huge meals a week, for Shabbis. No more twelve huge meals a week. We have six months to Pesach. The rabbi wants the shul to be in shape for the Matzah. Single members are now broke. We have charged them as much as possible. Seats were expensive this High Holiday season. With all we did, single people are still coming to shul. The board apologizes for that. Class on involvement in prayer will be given. Please know that when the rabbi or Chazin raises their neck and looks around the congregation, you should join in and sing at that point. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 1:2) The earth was nothingness. Tohu Vavohu. Like the amount you all donated last year. Nothingness. Tohu Vavohu. H' creates from here. 'In the beginning' from nothingness. Nothingness, kind of like the Simchat Torah dinner... A piece of lasagna doesn't make dinner... A bite is not dinner, Fran. Nothingness. Kind of like the way the kids treated the shul. Which is why we need to create renovations and touch-ups. Nothingness. Like the energy you give... I have created from that. I have given sermons from your nothingness... We are supposed to try to be like Gd... That doesn't mean telling everybody what to do… I understand you're president. But you're president of the shul... Godly is donating to the shul... Those were long Mishebeyrachs. Pay up… From now on, you have to pay each congregant for their time… To listen to all your family names… You didn’t mention Pinchas by name. Pay him… You mentioned everybody else by name in your Mishebeyrach. Herman, Minachem, Rivka, Fran, Pinchas... Pay him... Then pay your pledge... We can’t create anything in this shul, on any day, without your pledges paid... The kids have to calm down. They can’t create a jungle gym here… Shul should be meaningful… Fun can be found in meaning… We can’t have running and races. They were running all over YOUR NEPHEWS AND NIECES ARE CRAZY!!! They were playing Marco Polo… I love the game. Great game. Tons of fun… They were playing it in the shul. The Chazin was in the middle of the Unetana Tokef prayer, and all we can here is Marco Polo… It’s a prayer of life and death… The usher should keep kids out during the UNetana Tokef… I know she lost, and it was Negiah… That’s also Asur… Now the congregants want Torah kissing races… Who can run up and kiss the Torah first. H' created... Before He rested. He even created rest... Bernie. You're not supposed to rest now. You've done nothing. You've created nothing this week... At least pay your pledge first. And then rest. That's what H' would do... We can’t create anything in this shul, on any day, without your pledges paid. As people we have to create something decent. Like a new wall. Thanks to all the kids destroying the shul over the Chagim. We have to create light. Like H' who created light as His creation on day one. Right now we have dark. Paying your Yizkur appeal donations... You flipped the cards. After H' creates people, he says all is 'very good.' I am trying to see it. It's hard to see it when we don't have electricity. It's hard to see it when you have a board like this.... (1:31) 'And H' saw all that He did and it was very good.' Why is the second day not good? There was only separation You have to pay the doubled card flips. It’s for H’. You have to pay your pledges… No. Pledges are not an idea. They’re an amount you promise to pay. Like a creation you made… I know. That’s the problem. You don’t create I thought I was creating a singalong when I lifted my neck and looked around... You didn't join in. To create, you have to be in shape You have created out of shape bodies during the holidays. That’s one thing that you created. Nothingness is what we have to eat now... Till we take off some weight Everybody up. Some jumping jacks… warming up for Musaf… The kids aren’t going to be the only ones moving here. I see that gut Frank… No. We don't support wrestling in the shul. The guests are gone... Those kids are crazy. You don't body slam somebody onto the Bima... We don’t want the Peskobergs creating. Rivka’s Rundown The sermon lasted an extra half hour as the rabbi wanted to get in a full aerobics class. The congregation is out of shape. Very out of shape. It’s all the holiday food. The average congregant has put on thirteen pounds. And some are still walking around with purple Kiddish tongues, from the ten Kiddishes per week over the holiday season. The rabbi's nothingness list was inspirational. Especially when he mentioned the board and the amount of runs scored in the interhul baseball league. And the way the kids left the shul. He knows what nothingness is. How the rabbi turned donations into Godly, because that is how you create, is the greatest appeal of all time. And it wasn't even an appeal day Apparently, the rabbi thinks pledges are something you’re supposed to pay. Some people say the secretary is very rude with her payment requests. Especially the ones from eight or more years ago. She says stuff like, 'You should pay your pledges.' That offends people. People truly don't pay. I even got a bill. I paid up, but they assumed that no members paid. She did threaten to turn off the electricity to our house. People owe a lot for the MIshebeyrachs. Making everybody wait, there should be an extra fee. A fifteen dollar fee per name. The rabbi is right. It’s like gambling for them. How much is a Mishebeyrach worth? They don’t know. They put down 180 dollars and they expect for the whole family to be healthy. I would hedge my bets and put down eighteen dollars on a Mishebeyrach. No more. People are now saying somebody else flipped their cards. They’re accusing the executive director of rigging the cards. The congregants have now lost their trust in the November elections. Simchat Torah had everybody worried. There was a weak guy on Hagba. We need to test these people. He had weak wrists. It's not hard to check out their bench press before having them lift the Torah. Everybody was worried. The flipping the Torah backwards Simchat Torah Hagba trick, had everybody turning their heads. I don’t want to fast for forty days, because this guy can't hold up a Torah from the least advantageous angle. From now on I’m skipping Simchat Torah in shul. People are still tired from the holidays and Simchat Torah. But they're still eating. The rabbi is right. He's right about everything. The grandkids and nephews and nieces are crazy. Literally crazy. Since they left, now the kids can only play tag in the shul. The rabbi had to give them an activity, other than carpet sliding, sliding down the Bima rails and body slamming. There is now a list of games that can be played in the hallway. The quiet game did not sell. The Peskobergs are annoying. Tags:
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We apologize for the messed up Sukkah decorations in the shul. Too many members of the sisterhood got involved in the feeling of the Holiday Season, and they ended up decorating with pumpkins and RIP signs. Simchat Torah Dancing lessons will take place in the hallway. Also known as Simcha dancing, the Rebbetzin will show you how to do the kick and do the grapevine. This will ensure synchronization on the women's side. For the men's dancing, the rabbi will teach the men how to walk in a circle correctly. No whipping candies at kids this Simchat Torah, though some of the kids deserve it. We had too many injuries last Simchat Torah due to sweets and bad aim. There was a lot of random bystanders hit by the gummies. You may aim at kids that will have Bar Mitzvahs soon, to prepare them. Also, no tossing candies into the middle of nowhere. Kids become very violent when chasing candy. With that in mind, from now on, we will not allow for contact football in the shul hallway without pads. Please clean up your Aravot. They were left over from last Hoshana Rabba. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Happy Congregants... The two of you. (Devarim 33:4) We were told at Sinai, 'The Torah that Moshe commanded us is the heritage of the Congregation (Kehillah) of Israel.' That is our heritage... The Torah. For crying out loud. How clear can it be? Moshe tells us 'The Torah' and you still don't get it's the Torah. What do we have to do to get you guys to do Mitzvahs?! Throwing candies at kids is not a heritage... It's Simchat Torah. Not a Bar Mitzvah... Not the Torah that Phillip gave you. It's the Torah Moshe commanded us. That's our heritage... Oh. Phillip gave you a nice Chumash. Enjoy it... Your aim was off. You hit Max and Sim... Why are you whipping candies at eighty five year olds? Bad aim... They were Bar Mitzvahed seventy years ago… You even hit the Torah... Then work on your aim. You're not supposed to hit our heritage... Some of the kids deserve it. They've been running around the shul too much. The parents do nothing. We should be whipping them at the parents... I never said it was the other shul's heritage. They’re a messed up Kehillah too… Dancing on Simchat Torah is a heritage... There's a reason we don't support hip-hop dancing in shul. Have you seen how bad it looks when Pinchas goes into the bottom rock?! In the Jewish cypher, there should only be the one handed hold and kick... Being happy on the holidays is our heritage… I know that’s hard in this shul. Right after Yom Kippur and you’re already speaking Lashon Hara… I speak the truth… Lashon Hara is not our heritage. Halloween decorations in the Sukkah are not a Bracha... Even if you got a deal, it's not our heritage. Halloween decorations are not a heritage of Israel. Scary plastic skeletons didn't happen when the nation gathered at Sinai. We don’t celebrate Halloween… I know we give out candy on Simchat Torah. But Halloween?... And why are you whipping them at the kids?... Your soft toss into the pile, where the kids beat each other for a Mike and Ike is wrong too… Decorating with gourds should also be Asur (forbidden). They should've never made it into the Sukkah. They're like little pumpkins... The kids were scared of the Sukkah. It has RIP in it. It was a haunted Sukkah… Was that your program? What were you trying to do? Get the kids to cry? We already have issues getting them to shul... (Devarim 33:5) We're called 'Jeshurun.' Meaning straight and righteous. We're a straight and righteous people... If you threw straight. You whipped the candies. It was a haunted house where you got injured by candies flying at you... I know it gave the feeling of having bats... Decent dancing this year. For crying out loud. Make it a heritage that we dance in a straight line for once. A straight dancing line that leads into a circle of righteousness... You don't do Hoshanos and then leave all your trash in the shul. Even if it's our heritage... Lashon Hara is not straight and upright. That’s not our heritage. Nor is how Bernie walks... You're hunched Bernie. Decent dancing this year. For crying out loud. Make it a heritage to dance right. And to walk upright too, Bernie... You should speak Lashon Hara about people who don't clean up their Aravot. I have no idea what the rest of the Parsha says... My Hebrew is not that good. Rivka’s Rundown It's good to know our rabbi has limitations. I'm fine with him not understanding the Torah. The rabbi didn’t bring up Shemini Atzeret as part of our heritage. He just talked about Simchat Torah. When asked, he said that Shemini Atzeret is a real holiday. Once the heritage conversation came up, the congregants started asking the rabbi about the house they didn’t get in the inheritance. They then started complaining about their families and how they deserved more. Sibling fights were abundant in the community following the rabbi’s speech. It turns out that a lot of people were not happy with the way their parents drew up the will. The shul tradition is to whack the Aravot (willow branches) on the ground and then to leave the leaves and all of their trash in the shul. Some people even take their garbage bags, to the shul and drop them, as part of the tradition. Others just through their Lulav over the Aron (ark) to make it harder for the custodian to clean up. The rabbi gave the VZot HaBracha sermon on Shabbat, as he noted, 'You people drink too much on Simchat Torah.' After another year of extremely bad Simchat Torah candy aim, the rabbi took the congregants to the park to work on pitching skills. For shul safety at Bar Mitzvahs, and continued poor aim, the rabbi started protecting the older congregants with his Tallis. There were a lot of injured kids this Simchat Torah, again. It’s good to not allow Rick to whip candies at the little ones. He’s an angry guy. The rabbi also gave more dance lessons. The rabbi realized the men of the congregation are just not coordinated enough to walk in a circle. And then he went off on how the programming is also not coordinated. The Rebbetzin tried teaching Simcha Dancing. It didn’t happen. The women couldn’t get the line right. Nor the kicks. The Rebbetzin will be teaching a course in Simcha Dancing over the winter. By the end of the winter, the women should have down the knee kick and then the regular kick, along with the crossover walk. She advertised it as a self-defenses Simcha dancing. Housewives are very into self-defense. I have to commend the rabbi. For the group prayers of health and the Avinu Shebashamayim prayer, he did a great job in involving everybody. He did the head pickup and look around to have everybody join. He is very smooth with how he raises his neck and looks around to get everybody to join. He also did a hands in the air to show connection with God during services for the prayer for rain. He’s really been showing his spirituality recently. I think he wants a raise. The Sukkah was Halloween themed. It was scary, and I think we lost some congregants who felt like their neighbors did Halloween better than the sisterhood. The rabbi has been crying out loud a lot the past few weeks. Maybe it’s something to do with Yom Kippur. A lot of crying out loud at the congregation. The rabbi saying Lashon Hara is not our heritage had many people questioning their connection to Yiddishkeit. Many people approached the board saying their families have always spoke Lashon Hara, and they wouldn’t want to be part of a community that doesn’t. It’s tradition. It was decided to have Lashon Hara circles in the shul, to ensure that the community tradition of Lashon Hara is never lost. They brought in a new Chazin for the holidays, though. I argued that we didn't need a Chazin singing tunes we didn't know. We have enough people to speak Lashon Hara about in the women's section. Tags:
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The Shul's communal Sukkot event will not happen at the shul. It turns out that the bouncy house Sukkah can only be used as a bouncy house. They tried placing a table in there, but found out that it flipped over when you walk. The shul is returning the Sukkah due to false advertisement of it working as a Sukkah. Next year, the shul will go back to the High Holiday traditional tunes people like. They thought it would be a good idea to try tunes that aren't enjoyable. The board didn’t realize that Jewish people like tradition when they're repenting for letting their ancestors down. It has more meaning to let your ancestors down with the tunes they knew. The shul will also stick to Machzor prayers, against board protest. The board wanted more English readings, but the rabbi insisted that the Yom Kippur service is not a choose your own prayer book. Next year we'll have a Chazin. People are mad they paid 200 bucks and got a second rate performance on Yom Kippur. Next year, people will get their money's worth. Yom Kippur will rock. A show with a lot of Kvetching. The board wanted a band, but due to sinning on Yom Kippur with breaking the laws while repenting for them, we're going to try to get an acapella troupe. We will have ushers for the appeals next year as well. People had no idea what to do after they flipped the tabs, and the rabbi said 'Ushers.' We are sorry for the awkward experience of flipping over a tab and then putting it back in your seat pocket. We advise everybody to not donate any money this year to the Israel Relief Fund, or the shul, as the people asking for the money may have stolen your donation cards from the pockets. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 32:1) 'Listen Heavens and I will speak. And hear oh earth the words of mouth.' You people don't listen. You never listen. Did you get the message from last week? And the week before?... Then why does the shul still have a board. Moshe knows the heavens and earth listen... It's not like talking to a wall. Walls don't listen, Bernie. And neither do congregants… Heaven and earth are witness. They’re always there unlike your kids that don’t visit. It’s the holidays. Still not visiting… You shouldn’t have to visit them. You're old. They should visit you… Witness that there were no ushers for the Yizkur appeal... They are witnesses forever. Witnesses that you say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. If they ever have to listen to another joke from Merv... Merv. You tell jokes and... I think that is what causes thunderstorms. The heavens hears your joke and a thunderstorm comes, and the earth is destroyed... It's your jokes... People hear it all. All is heard... They don't listen to you. You say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. Your kids don't. But the heavens do... The Davening was messed up... The heavens and earth are witness that we need a new Chazin... The heaven and earth are listening. The ‘Oy yay yays’ between paragraphs at Musaf were too fast… I don’t know if the earth and heavens could of heard that. I guess they don’t listen to congregants… You don’t annunciate. Groans don’t work. Groans are not penitent... Stupid stuff. The bouncy house Sukkah??? You can’t eat in that. Food’s flying all over. The heavens and earth saw the idiots trying to place a table on that... Be penitent for your stupidity... (Devarim 32:4-5) He is just and upright. 'Destruction is not His. It's His children's defect you crooked and twisted generation.' H' is just and righteous. I see you, I fell like I have to bend my head to get a decent visual... You're all twisted and crooked. Messed up... You guys make the mistakes... I can't go through all the stupid stuff again. The heavens and earth remember... Pinchas can't even find his shoes. Can an adult help please go out to the hallway and help him remember where he took them off... Saying 'Good Shabbis,' that's H' speaking. It's goodness. It's upright. If anybody were to help the elderly... You don't help the elderly. Uprightness would say to help. H'... The board messes up... Then where were the ushers for the Yizkur appeal?... H' does the right tunes. Our Chazin does these messed up Yom Kippur specials that he heard on new Miami Boys Choir CD... Nobody understands that stuff. It's twisted. Sing Mordechai Ben David. Upright Chazin singing... And the heavens and the earth have to listen to this?! If you listened to H'. Did a Mitzvah. Built a Sukkah correctly... You put the A plank next to the B plank. You stand them upright. Not crooked... (Devarim 32:3) 'When I call out the name of H' give greatness to God'... You can't even do that right. The Pasuk said to do it. You just sat there like a wall... Earth and heaven would've said something... At least say 'Amen.' Brought greatness... Even when you answer 'Yehei Shmei Rabba...' it feels like nothing. You're not calling out... Crooked and twisted... (Devarim 32:6) 'Is this how you repay the Lord, you disgraceful, unwise people?! Is He not your Father, your Master? He has made you and established you.' Look at this shul. Pathetic. This is crookedness. This is not giving greatness to H's name... I feel bad saying H' established this shul. It would offend the Smith and Schwartz family who cut the ribbon in 1972... From Chabad.org. Yes. That is where I get my translations. Is there a better translation?... They're all going to say you are doing stuff wrong as the president of the shul... I couldn't say it better than Moshe. You're a disgrace... And this is the Sukkah you build Him???!!! I know you eat in it… There were no ushers. How was I to raise money for the shul… They flipped the tabs and had no idea what to do. They thought they got out of it... The request letters are going to come as a shock... I know they always come as a shock. But this year, it will be more of a shock. When they don't pay their pledged amount, they will be more in shock that they pledged it... H’ would’ve brought ushers. He would've established ushers... Rashi explains ‘Disgraceful… people’ to be because ‘that they forgot what was done for them.’ When you forget what was done for you, you make dumb decisions. Hence the board, no ushers and the Chazin... And this ark cover. If you would remember what was done for you, you would give over decent jokes. You would have ushers, like the ushers who collected for all the Yizkur appeals years back that ended up collecting ideas for donations that were never paid, to go to the building fund. You would remember decent tunes and build a Sukkah that works to sit in and praise H,' to repay Him for what He has done for us. And we would praise Him normally with a good Chazin... Good Shabbis. That's H.' Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi was at shul for Yom Kipur. He said he wouldn't but he showed up. It was between his job and holiness. The rabbi used the heavens and earth to go off on every way the congregation is annoying. He treated it like a court case against having to deal with the membership. 'And the heavens and earth said they hated the congregants, too.' The congregants definitely cried when the heavens and earth agreed with the rabbi that their kids don't love them, and that's why they don't visit. It would've been great if the heavens and earth could talk. I believe they would be on the rabbi's side. Merv's jokes are a bit much. The rabbi really doesn’t want a board. That is clear. It seems the heavens and earth also don't want a board. The rabbi went off on each sin. He stopped and pointed to Bernie for half of them 'Who has been haughty... Let’s talk about the board.' Very smooth. He also went off on other congregants in a subtle manner. One was, 'Who has spoken gossip? Fran???' Stupid is the right way to describe the congregants. A bouncy house Sukkah? Even the kids got mad when they tried eating and jumping at the same time. Even Chaim said it makes no sense, as he was mad he couldn't eat his mom's brisket while doing a flip. I always wondered why the rabbi gave speeches. I now understand. The earth and heaven listen. At least he knows that. I can tell you the women who sit next to me don't. Kids not visiting their parents is a problem. Other shuls are packed on the holidays. Our shul is a loveless feeling of Shabbis. Truth is if any of the congregants would know how to cook a decent kugel, the kids would be here. When you don't teach the Torah of 'honor your parents' you don't get honored. Your kids have to hate you when they're young, hearing the lessons, in order for them to respect you when they're older. My kids complained all the time. That's why they visit now. To get back to me by sicking their children on me. With all that said. A decent kugel would bring the kids home for the holiday. Children are always happy to visit kugel. The rabbi ended up just quoting the Moshe. Great rebuke. He ended with a 'you are disgraceful.' The rabbi’s Kitel was stained on Yom Kippur. Really killed the appeal. He blamed the ushers, but it was also the stain on his Kitel. No ushers for Yom Kippur. That ruined the appeal. The rabbi looked pathetic. He announced, ‘Ushers now go around’ and nobody went. People just played it like something happened. It was messed up. But the rabbi went around after shul was over and collected the cards. People were angry when they got the bill. They thought they got out of it. As we learned later, the rabbi's Yom Kippur appeal was great. It was a message that spoke to all. ‘Give money. People died. Give money.’ He raised more than the shul ever raised. And there were no ushers. I am sorry I keep bringing up the no ushers. It was just awkward. Very not in sync. I don't know why we still do the appeal. They never pay. The flip the tabs and don't pay. It's a statement of 'if I would pay, I would pay this amount.' The appeal next year should be 'this is the amount of my previous pledges I will pay.' The rabbi led Musaf and did the announcements. It’s weird going from Chazin voice to page announcer voice. But he did it. He multi-tasked the whole thing after the Chazin refused to do tunes people liked on Yom Kippur. The rabbi chased him out and had to finish Musaf. The rabbi was teaching everybody the tunes. He spent extra time with the Chazins. They were practicing and they still got them wrong. Zevulun corrected them and took over the Chazin singing, from his seat. He was louder than the Chazin. I think that's why the Chazin left. I just hope they get the tunes right next year. Otherwise, there will be a lot of fights. Many congregants have been haughty lately. The rabbi gave a class on proper hand movements in greeting, to not put yourself above other people. You can’t cup the hand. Cupping the back of the head is considered abusive as well. As is pinching any cheek of somebody over thirty. No matter how old you are, you cannot squeeze for more than eight seconds. I have seen people shake hands to wish 'Good Shabbis,' and then their faces become bright red. They look like they're going to explode, proving their Jewish dominance. Other classes were given on when to sit and stand and how to do the ‘Nay Nay’ drone better. The rabbi also taught the congregants how to do a penitent groan properly. In order to properly drone and groan, you have to look sad and pathetic, like the shul's president, as the rabbi said. The ushers not coming around was awkward for everybody. If somebody would've said 'this is awkward,' the congregation would've stopped looking around for twelve minutes, and we would've been able to have continued with Yizkur. They should've at least found ushers between Kol Nidrei and Yizkur, but they didn't. It turns out, some down and out members took the donation cards for the shul, and asked for that money. They put their names and their addresses in the donation request letters. They figured that they were members of the shul, and thus, the money in essence would be going to the shul. Tags:
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No more Shofar blowing in the shul hallways. Benjamin. You know you can't blow. The Gabai didn't ask you to blow for the shul this year, for a reason. We also suggest you don’t blow with the windows open to your home either. Too much anti-semitism has been caused, due to your poor Shofar blowing abilities. Your neighbors already hear you screaming at your kids. Your children not helping take out the trash has already caused much hatred. If you haven’t repented yet, the rabbi will help you after services with the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He will tell you how annoying you are and how much God doesn’t like you right now. The message of the rabbi’s Shabbat Shuva Sermon will be, ‘If you listen to me and stop talking in shul, H’ might love you too… When you are thinking of sinning, think of what Bernie would do and don't do it. And listen to your rabbi.’ There will be no huge meals for kids in shul this Yom Kippur. These kids refuse to eat at school. They come to shul on Yom Kippur and gorge. The rabbi has decided it's wrong to focus on food when he is hungry. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 35:2) 'Six days you shall do work.' That means to do stuff... Coming to shul is doing stuff. It means don't be lazy. Don't be like the board... I worked on this Drasha. I worked, Bernie. I wasn't lazy... A message to you all to change. To not be you. This Shabbat Shuva, return to not being you... It's Yom Kippur. Just repent already. For crying out loud. Repent.. It's the Ten Days of Repentance. Focus... You need a year. Bernie... 'And the seventh day shall be holy to you, a day of complete rest to the Lord. Whoever does work on it shall be put to death.' How many of you are required death? That's not the question... The question is how to be holy. Holy. When I come to shul here, I feel like holiness has been taken from me... The way you guys drone the davening. Holiness gone... You kileed my Rosh Hashana... Moshe gathers the people and this is the first thing he says to them is to keep Shabbat... Telling you to rest is easy. You sleep all the time. The problem is you come up with ideas when you rest... Why can't the board just rest. Do nothing. Is it that hard to understand to do nothing??? To not ruin the shul??? Just rest and do nothing while you're resting. The Chazin should rest on Shabbat. Please… All of your work kills the shul Are we proposing death to those who come up with dumb shul ideas?... Moshe's talking about Milacha. Work done for the MIshkan. Doesn't mean to not walk to shul. The board is lazy and does stuff… They should have nothing to do with Shabbis or the shul. They should do other stuff. Stuff during the other six days... Stuff that doesn't have to do with the shul. You're a board. Start up a grocery. Anything outside of the shul. If you treated the week holy. Maybe showed to Minyin. I would understand your laziness, Mark... It's not holy to not help… In the board’s case it is. 'Holy to you.' It shall be holy to you. You've got to make it holy... By not being around Bernie and the board... Yom Kippur. The day of total rest. The day where we must be cleansed is coming. Viduy, confession, is how we repent. Regret, confession, and saying you will never do it again. I understand it's hard for Bernie to not be himself anymore. But that is how he makes it holy... Total rest would be for us to not have to deal with Bernie. Atonement... There's a time for everything. A time to sleep... That's not during the sermon. Michal. Yom Kippur is a time to fast. A time of total rest. A true Shabbat. I will not be here. On Yom Kippur... A day to fast. To repent for your messed up help… I understand they're kids. Fasting though… They should fast a bit. Last year, Shmuli pulled out a brisket. It’s not fair to those who are fasting… The kids don’t need a catered Yom Kippur lunch at shul… We want them to enjoy the holiday. I understand. But maybe focus on them enjoying Sukkot and Simchat Torah, and cook a decent dish for once... Work before the holiday. 'Six days you shall work' Rachel. Mike and Rachel. Work before Sukkot to put together a decent dinner for the kids. I know the Chazin kills it for us all… You can't sleep through that stuff... We rest to repent. Think about where we went wrong. Atonement. Repent for your bad shofar blowing. It's pathetic Benjamin. It’s embarrassing... Every preShabbis you scream at your kids… Then shower Thursday night. We know the hot water runs out on Friday. But you don't need to scream at all the kids... I've had your neighborhood showing up to my office, asking if 'shower' is a Hebrew word meaning 'I am going to spank you'... They didn't know if they should report your preShabbis showers to the authorities... Child services should come to shul and run youth groups. (Devarim 35:5-6) 'Take from yourselves an offering for the Lord. Every generous hearted person shall bring it... gold, silver, and copper, and blue, purple, and crimson wool. And linen and goat hair. And ram skins dyed red, tachash skins, and acacia wood. And oil for lighting, and spices... and shoham stones and stones for the ephod and for the choshen...' Nowhere does it say a community quilt... We will be putting in the Yizkur appeal. Offer money. Nobody wants your leftover books... Anything in a cardboard box should not be donated. I you sealed it when you were moving. Don't donate it to the shul... If it's an old cracked shofar... Why did you give it to the shul?... You don't have room in your home for a shofar?! If you don't have room in your home, the shul doesn't want it... It's not generous to have a garage sale and then to drop off what you couldn't sell. Repent for that donation, Bruce. For that donation, not being holy and not keeping Shabbis... I can't explain the Ephod and Choshen now... It would say 'you are wrong'... No. Don’t donate a quilt… There is a list. A list of what to donate. Don’t come up with your own ideas. It kills the shul… This is a message for the board. And stop volunteering. Do useful stuff... You're wise. But not wise-hearted. You're booksmart. That doesn't help with building the shul's Sukkah... (Devarim 35:10) ‘All wise-hearted among you shall come and do as H’ commanded.’ Talented people… He can play the violin. He’s not making violins. Is he? We love Menashe. We just don't want him volunteering... There is a reason the Torah doesn't say to volunteer the other six days... Because it's a job that nobody wanted to hire you for. There's a reason. There's a reason the board is messed up. All volunteers... Repent for volunteering... Know your talents. Volunteering is not one of them. That is what you have to do this Yom Kippur. See your talent and focus on that. Stitching is not your thing. And you have no idea how to work with acacia wood… The president’s talent is not leading our congregation. Show up and rest. Just rest correctly. If this congregation learned how to rest right, we wouldn't have to deal with messed up stitching and quilts… The Torah says the wise-hearted. This Torah cover is not wise. Get rid of all non-wise-hearted... It's better off than having a board. Shabbat Shuva is now here. Repent. Repent and don’t do anything. That’s it. Don’t do anything. That is your Mitzvah. Do nothing… Just learn to rest… Don’t do stuff. You ruin it. Everything you do is a sin… It kills the community. Confess for trying to help. Scary Simanim are not a way to help. The Rosh Hashana fruit and vegetable signs for killing enemies scares the kids. You scared the kids at the Rosh Hashana Seder, Shlomo. Telling the kids to that our enemies should die like a lemon... They don't know that a lemon is a messed up car... They're afraid to eat cantaloupe now... Pinchas ran, screaming, 'He's got a cantaloupe bomb'… A stroller parking area would be smart… Don't help... It's not work to help. That's volunteering. If you're not wise-hearted volunteering is a sin. As the Chazin. Don’t make Yom Kippur more painful than Rosh Hashana… It's a day of rest... I can't repent when I'm thinking about killing you... Rivka’s Rundown That strong message of 'don't be you and repent already, for crying out loud' didn't touch the congregants. They figured they won't feel bad anymore. After feeling bad every year and still sinning, they realized they're going to mess up again. The law of confession hasn't worked for the people of our shul yet. They said that their resolutions to not do are never followed. Sidney said that he has said he'll never eat chocolate again. Every year. And he eats it every year. He now said that he'll never do proper confession again, as he believes 'it's wrong to have a commandment to lie.' The whole sul did repent for volunteering. And they agreed that none of them have a decent talent for stitching. It was discussed, and the board agreed that nobody is talented. Doing stuff ruins the shul. That’s the message of the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. It's also the rabbi's message for Yom Kippur. Do nothing please. That is how you do Teshuva. You repent by not doing stuff. If the congregation would do nothing, we would be better off. Other congregations, with talented people should be encouraged to help. But our members just ruin everything. Even the new paint job on the youth center is messed up. I think the rabbi wants the board to do stuff. Just not with the shul. Outside of the shul. It's just a beautiful message that our congregants need to hear. 'Stop volunteering. The shul would be better off.' If they did something helpful during the week, OK. But on Shabbat. They just kill everything. And the artwork. We have a lot of very untalented people doing that stuff. They don’t buy it. They paint it. They think they are the wise-hearted called upon to bring fingerpaint to the shul. And the walls are messed up. The new youth lounge walls. And it's not the kids painting. It's parents who think they are helping. The rabbi had to write a letter to the congregation defining what is helpful. And none of it had anything to do with anybody from the shul participating. Though he did say that money is helpful. Don’t be you. That’s how you repent. That was the message. Don’t be you and don’t help. Please. I hope the parents of the youth get this message. The Chazin kills the shul experience for the High Holidays. He'll never repent for focusing on the words and bringing out the meaning with song. So painful. The shul created a stroller parking lot. That was the only good idea. Donating that sign was useful. And I think it was made from acacia wood. In Youth groups, kids expressed how fearful they were of eating fruit, after the Simanim. The signs are scary. After the congregants didn't show up for the second day Shacharit, due to fear of sleeping after eating gourds and saying that enemies should die by a witch who has a nose like a gourd, it was decided that our community isn't ready to curse our enemies with vegetation. Rosh Hashana dunking of the apple in honey is now the only shul Siman tradition again. The scary Simanim have scared the kids too much. Getting them back to Kiddish and eating carrots dunked in Chumus will take time. The High Holiday seats this year are messed up. They moved everybody around. It's like musical chairs for this board. Nobody was in their Makom Kavuah, set seat. There's a reason it's called a set seat. I think they feel that it will lead to better decorum, to have people sitting in 'not their seat that they paid for.' One of the board members is a teacher, and they said that it's better for classroom management to mix up the seats sometimes. She said nothing about the High Holidays and shul, and people getting angry and starting fights. I don't think she teaches eighty year olds who've been sitting in the same seat since their Bar Mitzvah. When the congregants show up on Yom Kippur, when three quarters of the membership pops in for their yearly visit to make sure their parents are in the Yahrzeit book, they will not be happy. They won't just be asking what page we're on. They're going to be asking where their seat is, and how their family's seats got lost. What a dumb board. Who loses family seats. I think they have to bring back the lifetime memberships. How they got rid of the first ones is an anomaly. To get the members to pay for another lifetime membership, will be a tough sale. Some people are happy they have no seat. They hate their lifetime seats anyways. They’re happy the lifetime memberships are now gone. The High Holiday between paragraph moan was by accident. Bernie was sitting and it just came out. It was a perfect drone. And then he fell back asleep. Shofar blowing was off. An eight second Tekiah Gedola. A letdown. I will be surprised if anybody comes to shul next year. Chazin was new. Did tunes nobody knew. Mark protested and started singing the correct tune for Areset Sifataynu after the shofar blowing. The community spoke up. The Chazin tried doing his tune. One woman said, 'Keep quiet. This is our tune. We don't need you.' The Chazin was silent the rest of the time. You couldn't hear a thing. It was the only time the rabbi smiled all Rosh Hashana. He’s not going to mess up the vChol Ma’aminim prayer again There was no Kiddish on Rosh Hashana and nobody came the second day. Rabbi’s Sermons for Rosh Hashana: Talked about how Avraham did the journey and fulfilled his part of doing his Mitzvah of the binding of Yitzchak. And how nobody in our shul even walks half a mile to shul. He then said that H’ can stop stuff, like congregants being annoying. But even so, we have to do our part. It's the journey of the Mitzvah and having to deal with Bernie. And even though he's been dealt a messed up shul and board, he does what he can. So he still get the Mitzvah, even if they can't paint. He then said that people with disabilities get the reward for the Mitzvahs they can do. And pointed out that nobody in the congregation at that moment had a disability and they are just lazy and unhelpful. There was a Frum Jew there for the one of the sermons. The rabbi used the word Hishtadlus, so the other guy wouldn't think we're Apikorsim (heretics). The rabbi tried throwing in Yiddish, but all he knows is Zei Gezunt. He said Zei Gezunt thirty times. And the other guy the Frum Jew thought our rabbi is an Apikores. Truth is he used it well when the guy sneezed. I think that's the right time to say Zei Gezunt. The rabbi is onto something. I've noticed that the smart people in the shul always throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish word. When you use Hebrew or Yiddish, it’s a proof. Once they use that word, they win the Halachaik argument about Jewish law. Even if it’s not Torah, just throwing in a word like 'it's a Bayit SheNofel' wins you the argument. I know that was more than a word, but I needed it to make the point. They said 'a house that falls' in Hebrew, and the argument was over. They won. They were discussing how long the Shofar blow was. Nothing to do with houses. but it was Hebrew, and with the Brooklyn Yeshiva accent, it sounded Yiddish. He started this new way of preaching where there is a call for action. He treats the congregation now like a social media post. He also used props the next day. Thank Gd that stopped after a while. He was bringing huge props. One speech he brought in a twelve gallon pot of Matzah balls, to show how important it is to feed people. His back went out, and he stopped with the props. Thanks to the board's new focus on youth there's nothing for old people. All they talk about are the kids. Old people are not wanted in the shul's new programs, and I think the board is going to cost the shul a lot of money lost off death. If you can't tell people that one of their family members died, you can't pull in donations. I believe they’re trying to find members that don’t lick their fingers before turning pages. The pages of the Siddurs have been hard to move recently. It's quite disgusting. And I see them licking their fingers to turn the pages. And the Haftorah on the first day was messed up. Charles didn't prepare. He messed up so many words, but people were cheering for him at the end. He came out of the Haftorah like a champ. After the Pesukim about Chana, when he went into the Brachas, he had gustto. No self-awareness. Just went out like a star. And nobody understood the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. The whole idea about resting on Shabbat being not resting, went over everybody's head. And the board still messed up the shul. But they were all mad at the Chazin. Tags:
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Announcements
Shofar blowing will take place at 10:30am, or 9:45am if the rabbi's Drasha is shorter. Or 12pm if he goes on again like last year. People are allowed to time the Tekiah Gedolah. We just ask that nobody get too excited if the rabbi's blast lasts longer than sixteen seconds. High fiving and screaming 'what's up. Did you see that???!!!!' is not proper in shul; especially when others are praying for their lives, knowing that there's a good chance they're written in the book of death, as the rabbi mentioned. Please note: stopwatches are forbidden on Rosh Hashana. The Shabbat Shuva Drasha will be sponsored by the Minkowitz family who likes it to be advertised whenever they give money. Next Shabbat, the rabbi will talk about stuff most of the shul won't understand, to ensure we all have a meaningful High Holiday season. That should help all return in penitence. From now on, everything in our shul will be a program. We will not do Shabbat dinners anymore at shul. We will run Festive Friday night programs, with festive food, with confetti popping out of potato kugel. As Jews don't practice tradition anymore, we understand that we have to practice programs. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Please sit down... Nitzavim. Stand here today before H' in judgment. In prayer. Not during my sermon... Just sit Bernie. It's rude... (Devarim 29:9) 'You are all standing before H' this day.' Standing means they're there. Not sleeping through the sermon... They showed up to shul. This isn't a game of Simon Says... You would all be out. I didn't say 'Simon Says.' Sit. Standing means sitting before H'... Because it's rude to stand. Standing means they were there. They showed up to shul. Not just when they were scared they were going to be written in the book of death... They came when it wasn't the High Holidays. And the sanctuary looked like it had members. (Rashi) Moshe brought everybody to enter them into the Brit... That's a covenant, Fran... Moshe brought the whole of the Jewish people. I would say that he would've left out our congregation. It's almost impossible to get you guys to show up to Minyin. If you never show up, you're not in the covenant... Because you weren't there. This isn't the whole 'and the ones who aren't here today.' It was talking about the future generations... Showing up for the shul picnic doesn't count, Mike... Everybody. was there. (29:10) '...The your young children, your women, and your convert who is within your camp both your woodcutters and your water drawers...' Where are the shul water drawers. We can't even get anybody to help with Kiddish... The sisterhood does nothing. And we definitely don't have any woodcutters. Everybody was there. They showed up. They were there. The Gabai didn't call up Rafi to the Torah and then have to figure out where he was... Rafi was there. All were included. They weren't snobs. They were accepting, unlike the members of this shul that are anywhere from 25 to 70... They looked at you and say Hi. People wanted to be around them... People don't come, because they don't want to be around you... We want to keep our kids out of shul... Their young kids were not loud and annoying back then. Their parents watched over them. Made them behave and shake hands... Your kids walk around and don't even return Good Shabbis calls. Rosh Hashana, we will be blowing the Shofar with everybody here... Except babysitting. Exactly. Last year the kid cried a sixteen second wail. Nobody talked about the Tekiah Gedolah… They were focused on finding the pacifier for Tanner. How that kid is Jewish with that name.... Think about what you want to do as people. As a nation. As yourselves.... With the water drawers too... I understand they don't pay full dues, and you make it a point to not look at them to say Hi... Chances are you're in the book of death. I know you. You deserve... Repent. That's all I'm going to say. You're shallow and snobby, and only show to shul when you're worried... That was for Kaddish. You had to come... Rosh Hashana is not a program. Which is why the board was against having services this Rosh Hashana. Being a good Jew is not a program. Standing is not an exercise program. We're not playing Simon Says... Sit. And work on your squats at the gym. You stand for Kaddish, Kidusha, when the ark is open, then you sit back down. It's for services. For tradition. Not for reps. Everything is now a program. What happened to tradition? To services?... It's pathetic, and annoying. I don't want to dance a Hora at a Shabbat meal. I want to eat, like our tradition says to. Eat and get heavy... You cancelled Tehillim and made it Tehillim education… You do stuff. you do Tehillim. Doing stuff is more educational. Especially than going to classes with Fran... Now we've got this new youth director. Everything is education. No services. No practice. Just education... The kids hate it. No kid wants education... For youth, you do programs. Programs like 'Keep Shabbat for Once.' Or programs like 'It's a Holiday. You're in Services. Keep Your Mouth Shut'... We have a Chazin. That's painful enough... The whole shul is turning into a beginners service. An explanatory service. So now we have festive Friday night explanatory dinner programs... Conversation is a Jewish program. Why not just have conversation?! What is this Friday Night programs the board is running?! Festive?! Is there going to be graffiti jumping out of the potato kugel? This year, you should live as Jews. Let the year be a program of keeping Mitzvahs... Yes. That is a Bracha. Keeping Mitzvot and doing good deeds is a blessing. Even if it's not a program... Standing before H' as a people, and entering the covenant is not a program. It's a way of life... You are sinners. If you showed up once in a while... Just show up. And you can be part of the covenant. Here's a Siman (an vegetation omen for the Rosh Hashana meal). Our enemies should have to deal with our board... That's a curse. That and they should have to show up to programs. It's about being together. Standing as one... Not being the sinner, like Frank and Jessica, who bring everybody here down... but they stand with us too... Oy. God. We have suffered enough with programs this year. May we be forgiven as one, and never have to deal with the board again... The Minkowitz family is sponsoring the Shabbat Shuva Drasha next week. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi ended with such a beautiful Bracha there. A Bracha for all of our people to stand together. As he said, 'It's only as one that we can receive the Torah and the covenant of our people. Which is why we're revoking half of our congregation's membership.' Some guys were working out in shul. They felt bloated from all the meals they had this past year, and wanted to get in exercise before Rosh Hashana. They were doing reps. Literally. The ark wasn't open and they were doing box squats on the chair. One guy yelled, 'You got a few more in you.' No 'Amen.' Just 'You got a few more in you.' And then there was a grunt instead of the yawning High Holiday between paragraph moan. I've got to be honest. I can't stand these congregants that sometimes say 'Hi' and most of the time turn the other way. A bunch of snobs. It's like they need something when they say 'Hi.' If they don't say 'Hi' all the time, I don't like them. Social climbers. Is it a classy thing to not say 'Hi' to people? I don't get it. If you smack them, do they then turn their heads and acknowledge you? The rabbi and the board worked it out. He is not threatening them anymore. He just gets to not show up to the classes and programs. Some classes have had no presenter. I think the rabbi has been skipping his classes. He is rightfully mad that they have substituted tradition for programs. The rabbi hates the new Tehillim education. Just do it. That's his motto. His and Nike's. But he says it's his. The festive thing is annoying. Can't have a decent dinner. Colored paper flakes flying out of the brisket and we have to dance the Hora around the table. I just like decent conversation. I am with the rabbi. Conversation is a good program. The rabbi started a Hilchot Teshuva class. We learned the Rambam’s laws of repentance. He said that was tradition and not a program. The board was against it. And the rabbi said the board is required to come, because they are all sinners, and he can’t stand praying with them. He also said they have not concept of tradition, and a Jewish youth director should be Jewish. An amazing Shabbat Shuva Drasha. And it wasn’t even Shabbat Shuva yet. Not many sources, but everybody listened once the rabbi told the congregation as a whole that they're all probably in the book of death. It definitely will help bring more Kavanah to Rosh Hashana davening. Every Drasha by our rabbi is a Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He goes off on how messed up the congregants are and how they have to not be like themselves. It always feels like Yom Kippur in the shul. Which is what makes it so spiritual. And nobody understands some of the ideas the rabbi speaks of, which always makes it more spiritual. The rabbi's sermons can throw off shul timing sometimes, even though he blames the Chazin. I believe he spent a good half hour telling everybody that they need to hear the shofar to not die. Such a message. The water drawers are people too. It really spoke to me. The rabbi likes the people who don’t pay dues. They come to shul. By the rabbi mentioning the Minkowitzs at the end of the sermon, he raised a lot of money for the shul. As the office told the Minkowitz family, 'That was product placement for you.' Nobody remembered the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. They remembered the Minkowitz family name. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Tavo9/18/2022
Announcements
High Holiday seats are being sold right now. First class seats are on sale as well. We're going to be bringing in foot rests for the plush seat section. We will also be serving pastry and alcohol to people with first class seats. Though we pushed for it, the rabbi won't let us serve snacks on Yom Kippur. Even if you pay extra money, he won't allow for it. You must purchase seats, even if you purchased lifetime Yom Kippur seats. It doesn't count anymore. The lifetime is up. Lulav and Etrog sales are going on now. We suggest everybody pay a lot. This way, you can get heaven, and we can pay for the shul's new Sukkah renovations. No more flatulating in the middle of the services. People find it hard to concentrate. There have been many complaints about Reuven. If you haven’t noticed disturbed congregants sitting in discomfort, you have not been paying attention to the back left of the men’s section. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Entitled Congregants... (Devarim 26:1) 'And it will be, when you come into the land... take from the first fruits...' There are rules. When you come in, there are rules... Shul needs rules too. When you walk into shul, you come in properly. Without talking to everybody... They probably cleaned their feet in Israel. Maybe kissed the ground. On the shul trip to Israel, I was the only one to kiss the ground... It's not dirty. It's Holy Land... I know people walk on it, but it's holy... You don't have to shower if you're holy. Ever been to Jerusalem? Holy people... 'Take from the first fruits…' It's not yours. It’s God’s. That's the problem. You all think it's yours... The first Aliyah is God's too... I don't know why we give it to a Kohen. The point is that none of this is ours. We have to acknowledge it's God's. Other than the artwork from the Minkowitz family, which is hideous. And the pathetic community quilt. And the new renovations to the front of the shul. Other than that, and the young couples of the shul. Everything else is holy, and God's... The High Holiday seats are not yours. The best thing you can do on the High Holidays is give your seat to a poor person. When you come. Nobody wants to come to shul because people are flatulating… I understand it’s an open space. How are people supposed to concentrate on the Amidah when you have flashbacks everytime Frank bows... Got to wait 20 seconds. But for your flatulence... It's disgusting. It has been spreading throughout the shul from the back left. People squeeze their faces. I've seen nose finger plugging... (Devarim 26:5-8) After giving it to the Kohen, you talk about how you were slaves. You talk about how bad you had it, and how H' saved you and gave you this opportunity. It's about appreciation. Hakarat HaTov. Acknowledging how amazing your rabbi is... Flatulating is not a proper show of appreciation... No. This isn't a meal in Japan... The Bikurim statement ends with 'I have brought the first of the fruit of the ground which you, O Lord, have given to me'... Your garden is nothing without God... Even the lilies are nothing without God. It all comes from God... You acknowledge that with the first fruits... Why have you never tithed? You think it all comes from your work. I have seen you work. You deserve nothing... It's not hard labor to say 'I am related to the boss...' (Devarim 26:11) 'And you shall rejoice with all the good God has given you.' After you acknowledge that you're not a selfish congregant. Appreciate what H' has given you. After you are not crying about you having to be the one opening the ark... You can rejoice. When you realize you have done nothing... You've done nothing. You rejoice with everybody. When you're not selfish, you can rejoice with all. Sharing is how you rejoice. When you share your Legos Chaim... When you don't flatulate, all can rejoice and enjoy... After not being selfish like Fran, you can all rejoice. You give poor people a seat… Poor people don't deserve Lulavs and Etrogs. Those are expensive. Tonight is Selichot. The start of Selichot. Do Teshuva. Don't do you. Don't be yourself. That's what you have to do Teshuva for. That and flatulating in shul... It's a land flowing with milk and honey. Not Bernie's gas.... Need first class seats? Are we davening in an plane? You can’t even pray on an airplane anymore… Used to be able to stand in the back and have a Minyin… Since they stopped that, antisemitism has gone down in numbers… Though, they’re still mad that Jews get the first meals. The nonJews don't rejoice at that... They give the Jews the first meals... That's not a law, to bring those to Jerusalem. You bless God before eating them though... Start with doing Teshuva. Then we can rejoice. Rivka’s Rundown First meals on planes causes a lot of Jew hatred in Topeka. Sukkah renovations are the only kind the rabbi supports, as he doesn’t have to see them for more than a week. He even suggested to use the community quilt for a wall. I believe he is hoping the weather will kill it. It does smell bad in shul. I think that showers should also be a necessity during the summer months. Showers and no flatulating. Kim started a shul laundry service. It’s part of the Chesed Fund. The Holy Land conversation the sermon brought up had everybody discussing purity and impurity and fights about women's rights came up. The rabbi said that women can kiss the ground of Israel too. They almost fired the rabbi for suggesting that poor people deserve seats in shul on Yom Kippur. People were mad to hear that the lifetime membership seats were not lifetime anymore. Discussions of what lifetime means were had. Many congregants were deemed not alive anymore. So they had to sit in the back, in the Keter plastic seats. Saying ‘the lifetime is up’ had a lot of people worried that they were going to be written in the book of death this year. The board decided that a lifetime is ten years. After extensive meetings, the board decided that burping in shul is also wrong. As is chaching onto pages to turn them. I believe the chaching on the pages was a financial concern. Old members caused us to have to purchase eighty new Siddurs last year. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Teitzei9/11/2022
Announcements
No touching people’s arms in the middle of a conversation. Many of the older men are using this technique to keep people in conversation, forcing them to listen to the rest of their jokes. It’s abusive and it must stop. Getting people to want to listen to your jokes with intimidation is illegal and assault. We are proposing listening autonomy. If somebody doesn’t want to listen to Merv, they don’t have to stay. We're going to start sending out a weekly announements of what members are doing. Hearing everything about the community members is important. It’s important to know where they go shopping. So we are going to start announcing it on the shul’s webpage. To note: The Finkelmans go to Kohl's regularly. Kroger grocery shopping by the Blumenbergs is done every Wednesday. Melvensteins bought a yacht. The board will from now on make all decisions. We're letting you know this, just in case you want to join another congregation. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Captives... I understand the Chazan is taking way too long. It's painful... When you take a captive... This shul has taken me captive. The board... I am a prisoner to this long Davening, and a president who thinks the shul needs a another Mechitzah, because he has money for renovations... How about you don’t paint the shul pink. Fluorescent colors don’t belong in a shul… One Mechitzah is enough. Ba'al Tosif... If I have to explain adding onto Mitzvot. The only addition to Mitzvot you do is adding a Mechitza. That's because you can't stand your wife... How about you add the Mitzvah of not driving to shul on Shabbat... I'm a captive to your sinning... Merv holds people captive in conversation... Merv. Let them grow their nails first. Before telling them jokes... Ki Teitzei Lamilchama. When you go to war with your congregants… (Devarim 21:14) 'If you don't want her, you shall send her away... but you shall not sell her for money. You shall not keep her as a servant, because you have afflicted her.' You have afflicted me. Let me go with a good pension. She was afflicted. You killed her family. The least you can do, if you don't desire her, is to let her find another man. If a rabbi doesn't desire a congregation... You still pay his pension... If you take her captive, you have treat her well. The way you've treated me... You treat people right. That is what the Torah is teaching us. You don't make them listen to bad jokes. Every day... It's about treating people well. So they don't have to deal with a board... (Devarim (21:15-17) The son of a despised wife you have to treat well... Even if you despise them. I treat your children well... It could be because of personality. Maybe even ugly... You don't lose your birthrights to a double portion because your mother is ugly. We treat the Melvinthal family very kindly in this shul.... (21:20-21) You tell the leaders, ‘This son of ours is wayward and rebellious. He does not obey us. He's a glutton and a guzzler.’ Annoying kids you don't have to treat right... You teach your child to tattletale... I know you do. I see them at junior congregation... Can I just say that junior congregation is messed up. Why is there a board there?! These kids should not learn about congregation life. It will kill everything about Yiddishkeit... Let them learn to love the traditions without a board... And why did you all cancel the Tehillim group??? No tradition. Just programs. Eating and drinking for no reason. 'A glutton...' I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Any child who doesn't listen to their parents, and eats too many Stella D'oro chocolate holes, stone him... Too much Kishka, where I don't get any. Whack them... You share at Kiddish. I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Some Bar Mitzvah boys need more than a fruit jelly thrown at them. That's how you keep people in line... Merv keeps them listening in conversation, with force. We have a wayward board... Yes. You have to warn them. Myself and the Chazan have warned them... Stone the board... You like this, because it's complaining about your kids. It's like sitting at a board meeting... All you do is complain. We should pelt the parents. If these kids listened to you guys, as parents, they would be wayward... Why mention the son now? The rabbis say it's because when you marry these people you get a wayward child... Either that, or if you send them to junior congregation here. I have seen how messed up these kids are... The Bima is not a jungle gym. It's where the Chazin Davens from... It's the board. If you have a board like Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, you have wayward children. When a congregation talks Lashon Hara all the time, you have wayward children... They think they can talk about everybody, because all you do is Yent... If your spouse heard you Yentaing, they wouldn't have wanted to marry you... No wayward children speaking Lashon Hara... Marry good people. Go to Israel and meet somebody. Rivka’s Rundown The main theme to the rabbi's sermons is that he hates the board. I picked up on that weeks ago. If we got rid of the board, Mashiach would come. That was the lesson at the rabbi's class last week. The rabbi is not a fan of the new weekly bulletin about what people are doing. I think it is less because of Lashon Hara, and more because he can't stand the people. He definitely hates the board. I do like how he took Yenta and turned it into a verb. The rabbi quoted Chazal, or 'the rabbis.' When he does that, he doesn't know the source. He could've just said he doesn't know the source. But he said Chazal. He could've probably just looked at Rashi. He thinks it's less lazy to say Chazal. The announcements always have misspellings. This week, they misspelled 'announcements.' Family names have no chance of normal spelling. They stopped dedications, as too many members were mad that their deceased family members were given different names. And they wonder why people don’t donate money to the shul. They’re donating in other people’s names. The Minkowitz family is giving millions, and the Minobergs are getting the credit. The rabbi is trying to make money off the shul again. This time everybody is worried he is claiming abuse, as they have taken him captive. I think he's threatening a lawsuit. The board is worried. Merv is worried, and scared to tell jokes. Fluorescent colors in the shul is messed up, and abusive to God. Whoever put up the fluorescence should be stoned. I'm a captive to neon lights. The Melventhals are not good looking. But they are kind people. Thus, the rabbi is nice to them, and doesn't make fun of they way they look. The new announcements about what people are doing has added a level of excellent gossip to Kiddish. More people are showing up to shul now. The better this new weekly announcement about member activities, the more people show up for the commentary. As we have learned, shul is about numbers. The board has discussed getting rid of the Mincha service, so that there is more of an evening cafe-bar focus in the shul. The rabbi is at war with the congregation right now. He is defending tradition and decent babkas at Kiddish. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Shoftim9/4/2022
Announcements
From now on, all Onegs have to have everybody from the congregation. We should all share the same amount of communal depression when we delight in Shabbat. Strollers have been covering up the entrance of the shul, people have been complaining they can’t get into shul. This is not the reason there hasn't been a Minyin for the past three weeks. It's just that people who haven't shown up have used that as a complaint. As they haven't been to shul, they needed something to complain about. To note: We've had more than forty kids showing up on Shabbat morning, as they don't have to join Minyin. To reiterate. As we have reiterated every few months, we figure to reiterate here, again. There are too many strollers right at the door. We know parents don't care. Otherwise, they would move one of them to the side. We don't have a stroller parking area. Though, we're trying to figure one out. Pushing strollers in the sanctuary is wrong, even if the child is crying and you're trying to get your baby to sleep. We've told Mrs. Heimowitz to stop. Clarification, as parents will complain: We're not saying to not bring kids to shul. We're suggesting there are too many of them. Please choose your decent kids. Many of you have children that are not right. Any kid that attacks other kids for candy, and rips up their Shabbat pants jumping on the floor at a Bar Mitzvah, should be kept away from people. Especially if that kid is coming to shul in a stroller. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom Selfish People with Kids... (Devarim 16:18) We need Shoftim and Shoftim. We need police and judges in our shul... We have a bouncer guy... I understand he's security, but he scares people. He's a bouncer... Too many arguments with the Gabai recently. We need a judge to ensure that his calling up Binyamin for an Aliyah is not illegal according to Jewish law... I don't think violence against the Gabai is called for. Though, sometimes he deserves... We need policing to ensure baby carriages don't cover up the shul's entrance... Yes. It's dangerous. If people can't get in, can they get out?! The strollers are a fire safety hazard. And no more trying to get your baby to sleep in the middle of shul... I understand the carriage is not in today. That's good. Though, you've been walking around burping the kid the whole Shacharit... Nobody wants to see you bobbing up and down... You've been bouncing and dancing. Do you not realize what you look like when you are holding your kid... You look like a fool. If you did that bopping dance without a kid in your arms, it would be messed up. If you did that at any other time... I have never seen that dance... I used to watch Soul Train... (Devarim 16:19) 'You shall not pervert judgment.' You pervert... The board perverts everything. Every decision they make is a perversion of Yiddishkeit... Then they're just bad decisions. They're fools... (16:19 cont.) 'you shall not show favoritism, and you shall not take a bribe, for bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts just words'... There's a lot of perversion in this shul. Just perverts of shul life... I don't know how much the Minkowitz family is giving the shul... There is no reason Sol Minkowitz's picture is placed next to the rabbis of honor row. It is a perversion... You are all led by money. You want to look good for Minkowitz. It's pathetic... You also want to be popular... You're going to tell me that Minkowitz getting an Aliyah is not favoritism? He got called up to the Torah... Felsenblum got Galilah. Rolling the Torah is pathetic... That's an anti-honor in shul... Yes. Opening the ark is an honor. Galilah is a task... Fred doesn't keep Shabbis either. Why doesn't he get an Aliyah?... I know he doesn't have money. That's what the Pasuk is saying... Jumping at the candies, and yet sitting in strollers... Make them walk to shul. It's a perversion of childcare. Perverted people... If they can whack other kids to get candy, they can walk to shul... Burping your baby in shul is a perversion. (16:21) 'You also shall not plant an Asherah. '... Not just idol worship. Even planting this tree. I've seen some of your gardens... Messed up plants growing on your homes... The siding of the house should not be a flower bed... It's horizontal... The front of the shul, messed up now... (cont.) 'Any tree near the altar of God, you shall not plant for yourself.' That garden in front of the shul is not for God. God never said, 'Plant me lilacs.' You don't plant or build on the Temple Mount (Rashi)... Because you would mess it up with lillies... H' doesn't need your bad taste at His place of emenance. Your gardens are messed up... That's why H' says to just leave it brick. No plants... A little respect for the shul. Can I say that... Listen to me???? Why? The Torah says so. (Devarim 17:9-12) You have to listen to the Kohens, Levis and judges. Everything they teach you, you shall do... 'And you shall guard to do like all that they teach you'... I teach you... Yes. I teach. You don't show up to the classes. How many times have I taught you to put on Tefillin correctly? Every morning, it's off to the side. It looks pathetic, Frank... What I teach is Torah... I've taught you where to put the strollers. You don't listen... A perversion of stroller placement... The man who doesn't listen, 'he shall die, and you shall remove evil from your midst...' Which is why we should get rid of the board. I am not saying that the mothers that put the strollers in the wrong place should be stoned. Though, it's evil.... Nobody wants to see you burping your kid in shul. It's against what we teach, and it's a perversion... Did we not learn that we shall not take bribes, because it affects our actions? It affects our decision making?... Taking bribes is a perversion. Against what we taught. Should the board be stoned?... These candies are a bribe. Coming to shul in a stroller. Can't walk... Your kid jumped out of the stroller and bit other kids for the taffies. No child would show to youth groups without jellies... It's all bribes. All of you have messed up concepts of what is right and wrong, as you have been bribed. You are trying to do what is right for other people. Not for God. No moral compass. You move a stroller like this... And that is why we need Shoftim and Shotrim. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi started showing everybody how to move a stroller. He mimed it. He then started miming a fake wall, and a rope pull. If the Minkowitzs were burping their kid in shul, everybody would say it was cute. Everybody in our shul is a pervert of money and popularity. They all want to be part of the cool crew. That's how the cool crowd gets good seats for the High Holidays. I'm stuck in the bleachers. They cool crew has front row seats. They can hear the Kah Kaylee prayer. Many congregants would like to remove the strollers from the shul. Others believe the kids are an integral part of Minyin. We had one week with no kids in shul and there were no interruptions. Kids love coming to shul. The people that chill in the hall also love coming to shul. I think sitting in the sanctuary when you're in shul really kills the shul experience. Many of the board member are trying to reconfigure shul to be a place where there is no shul. They feel it will bring more people to shul. The rabbi's new method of addressing the annoying people he's going to be speaking to, in the beginning of the sermon, is brilliant. This way, the congregants know he's addressing them. They really do look like fools, walking around with their kids. with that bobbing dance. An oneg with all the congregants would be painful. Fran truly depresses people. Inviting all the congregants is the correct thing to do. The same rule holds true for Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. Having all members at the Simchas truly helps the congregants feel the exile and the destruction of the Temple. The rabbi is now working on a Halachik work (Jewish law) to address the issue of Gabais and when physically attacking them is OK. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Re'eh8/28/2022
Announcements
The yearly shul kickoff BBQ will take place next Sunday. Our shul begins the Jewish new year with Labor Day. Not Rosh Hashana. Nobody will help with cleanup at the BBQ. We thought we should put that in the announcements, as that is part of the yearly event. No help from any congregant. To note, we don't consider manning the grill to be a help. That's hanging out. We don't need eighteen people manning the grill again, this year. Members seem to be planning for holidays already. Holidays are a month and a half away. Calm down. The board doesn't seem to care about the holidays. Seats have not been assigned to lifetime members. There wasn't even a Yizkur appeal. Please don't care yourselves. The Lulav and Etrog will come when the holiday starts. Please stop asking about the Hadasim and Aravot now. The willow branches never make it through the first days of Sukkot. They won't last two months. We are trying to tell everybody to calm down, as the rabbi doesn't want to answer any more questions. We will not be taking sacrifices. Though we are called a Temple, we are not the Beit Mikdash. All sacrifices must be brought to Jerusalem. Please ask the Israeli government about it when you get there. To answer any other questions you have, we will be sure to get donation for people who have passed away, around the High Holidays time. Please keep that in mind, if you come to shul. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin... Rosh Chodesh Elul is upon us. The month of repentance. And you have a lot to repent for... Do Mitzvahs. For crying out loud. Do Mitzvot... Why?! You want to get cursed? You want Milka going off on you?... (Devarim 11:27) A Bracha if you follow the Mitzvot… Why this has to be spelled out. Have you ever seen a Mitzvah chart? You never see, 'Yankel got Mitzvah points for hitting Esther'... If you sin, you get cursed. You don't get gummies. Why do I have to spell this out every week? (Devarim 11:29-30) The ‘Bracha on Har Grizim and Klalah on Har Eival... Are they not on the other side of the Jordan????' Why Moshe has to give a geographical lesson. Does nobody know where the Jordan River is?... I just find that none of you study. You look to me for everything... I have to spell out everything for you. The Bracha comes when you do the Mitzvot... Do something. Try to do a Mitzvah. Just one. Something decent. Something kind. Maybe hold a door open for somebody. Something... Then look back. You open a door. You look back... I know that sometimes you have to stand there for a while. I waited eight minutes for Hymie... It was twelve feet. I didn't know somebody could take so many steps and move so little... You have a lot of repenting to do. This shul is full of Eival... The board. The back left... I think the new kid's name is Eival. That's how bad this shul is. One of the families named their kid a curse. They knew that they would bring their kid, and he would have to sit with Bernie… Eival... It's a curse to see him. (Devarim 12:1) 'These are the statues and ordinances that you shall guard to do in the Land God gave you'... All of them. The Mitzvot. Every one of them... Not just the one about not being jealous... We're not negotiating here. You have to keep the Mitzvot... Bracha. You guard them... You want the Mitzvot flying around or something? You guard them. Take care of them. You don't want them stolen... Stealing is Asur, Bernie. It's forbidden. You guard the Mitzvot... It's all Eival here. Even the community BBQ. Eival. You do the Mitzvot right and guard them... You keep them like they're supposed to be kept. Guarded. Without Sharon talking the whole sermon... (Devarim 12:5) You bring the sacrifices to Jerusalem... It's where H' chose... Sacrificing in other places is idol worship... There are correct places. You pray in shul. You don't talk the whole time... You don't practice stealing on vacation in Florida... That was a BBQ. Not a sacrifice. The shul BBQ was messed up. But that was because nobody helped... Helping is a Mitzvah. The place to do that is at shul... Yes. You bring cattle to Jerusalem too... You can travel with cattle. When? (Devarim 12:7) Eat it there and 'you shall be happy.' That's how we know it's done on the Rigalim. You're happy on the holidays... Yes. A commandment to be happy on holidays. A commandment to be happy... I know it's hard for you. With these people around, it's not easy. But it's a blessing to be happy... We're Eival here. Nobody is happy here on holidays. Nobody is happy here ever. I've seen you onegs... The pain you suffer on Shabbis does make it look more religious. But it's painful. It's a curse. Eival The holidays are coming up... No. I am not happy. I have seen what you guys are planning for the Sukkot decorations. A pumpkin in the Sukkah doesn't make me happy... And then the Yom Kippur program??? A Yom Kippur program?! It’s called prayer... You don't need a program for prayer, other than prayer. Programs don't draw people. Less prayer does... (Devarim 12:8) 'Don't do like that which we do here today. Every man what is right in his eyes.' Look around the shul. Do nothing like that which you see here... It's not a board, Bernie... Everything. What is right in your eyes. You guys barely pray. You decorate Sukkahs with carpets on walls. It makes no sense. The shul needs a new carpet... When everybody does what is right in their eyes, we get a community quilt... It's pathetic. It's Eival. We see what goes on in our shul when people do what they think is right... Right in their eyes? The purple and pink Tallis. It clashes. Our Tish... It is the most messed up Oneg Shabbat. Only harmony. No melody... Because you all do what is right in your eyes... That's the curse. That's Eival… Your ideas are Eival… We are at Eival, singing a messed up harmony... I like to call it 90 solos at the same time.... The BBQ has 18 different style hamburgers. None of which are done well... Buying Hadasim and Aravot two months before Sukkot... What is right in your eyes, is messed up God's eyes... I have to sacrifice for this shul. That's why I vacation in Jerusalem. Don’t do like that which we do here today in our shul… It’s messed up. The Siddurs are all ripped.... It's Rosh CHodesh Elul. Do Teshuva. Do what is right in H's eyes... For a Bracha Bernie. Finally. A blessing... Bernie is an Eival. Rivka’s Rundown It was good that the rabbi could give such vivid descriptions of curses and Mount Eival with Bernie. It made the sermon more educational. I believe the rabbi wants Bracha in the shul, though he considers the shul Eival. I think the rabbi meant to say ‘evil’ the whole time. Eival was his code for calling people evil. Eival is actually the name of the death metal band the Gabai plays bass for. Them performing at the Purim Seudah last year was a bit much for Sadie. The rabbi called the congregation a curse. Milka comes to shul and just curses people. Milka loves cursing people. She usually curses under her breath. I appreciate it more when I hear her curses. The whole sermon, she was cursing out Bernie and the board. She gets into the rabbi's Drashas. I like how the rabbi called us all sinners to start the sermon. It reminded us how bad we are, as Elul, the month of repentance is coming. The rabbi should start each sermon with telling the members their sinners. It prepares them for the his weekly message. The message is that we're sinners and we have to do Mitzvahs. I think every sermon is about how we don't do Mitzvahs. Looking back. That is the theme. The rabbi tried scoring another free trip to Jerusalem. It does look more religious to be sad and not happy. My first time at Anshei Emes uSefilah, I thought it was extremely orthodox. More than ultra-orthodox. It was extreme. Extreme is more than ultra. Then I realized they're just very mad and not happy. When I found out the Mitzvah of being happy on holidays, I realized the members are not very religious. I think they get mad around holidays time. They don't like cleaning. That announcement about money for death scared a lot of people away from coming to shul on Yom Kippur this year. I think appeal cards scare people. Though people came to the program. Due to the rabbi's sermon, the Yom Kippur program this year was no praying. It was a half hour discussion about sinning. Many of the members shined at the discussion. They knew a lot about sinning. Definite sinners. The 'no prayer' advertisement drew tons of people. It was a huge hit. They got more people than the rabbi had in the sanctuary. To draw more people to the Yom Kippur program next year, they're thinking about serving refreshments. The rabbi is right. People doing what is right in their eyes is how we ended up with the messed-up chapel with the ark facing out on the Mexican side. We face Mexico when we pray. I know one couple in the shul is praying for a decent Pesach hotel down there this year. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ekev8/21/2022
Announcements
Ripping people off at garage sales is forbidden. The rabbi said it's Asur, along with Bernie asking questions. You can't sell your garbage and call it an antique, cause it's too old and has no use. It's called a faulty sale (Mekach Taot). We understand you don't want wicker chairs. That doesn't make them antiques. But no lying and saying it's better than plastic. The shul day camp was not a success. Just wanted to report something else the congregants did that wasn't successful, thanks to the board. We're cutting back the rabbi’s office hours. He offered to drink coffee with people in his office. That was a mistake, along with being the rabbi of the shul with this congregation. His caffeine levels are too high, as he’s developed a relative addiction. To help him wean off coffee, we’re cutting back office hours and meetings to a half hour a day. The rabbi also offered to drink tea, before we let him know that has caffeine as well. He didn’t know that. The Mountain Dew meetings have also stopped. He thought that was like Sprite. The board has decided to leave out all the names of ancestors from the Yizkor pamphlet, unless the family paid, as they figured that will offend people the most. The board wants everybody to know that death is only important if you donate it. Fulfilling the idea of stomping on Mitzvot, as Parshat Ekev tells us it's because of the Mitzvot we stomp on that we are rewarded as a people, the board and the new president want the members to know they're not important. The new president, who joined last year, decided to also charge entrance to Minyins, as people haven't paid dues. Shacharit is now a $15 entrance. If anybody doesn't pay for the right to say Kaddish, they will be bounced from the shul for heckling the performer, or Chazin. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin... (Devarim 8:1) The Mitzvot are so that we will live and inherit the Land... You do stuff to get something in return... Nobody here has ever done a favor for anybody without hope of an inheritance. Why anybody says Hi to Bernie, Hymie and Fran... You haven't visited your mother-in-law, because Medicare took all of her money... You were trying to get a deal on the microwave and fan at the garage sale, Sarah. That's the only reason you smiled... (Devarim 8:2) We're told to remember the desert were we were afflicted and tested. I remember everything this congregation has done to me. The pain you've caused. I have been afflicted by a board... We were in the desert for 40 years. In harsh condition. That's how God sees if we're going to serve Him. He could've just had them spend a Shabbis with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei EMes ESefillah. If they were here with Bernie, Sarah, and the board, they would understand... Was Bernie in the desert?... Being your rabbi is harsh conditions. God knows I’m committed. It was harsh conditions. It was like camp... They were all living on bunk beds, Michael. The stuff they had wasn't as bad as the stuff you were selling at the shul's garage sale. If they would've had the stuff you were selling, that would've been a test... A black and white TV??!... The wicker is full of mold. The wicker was afflicted with Feldstein... You can get mold off wicker. Wicker attracts mold and the Feldstein affliction stays. Sell better stuff. Plastic doesn't get mold... Haggling with Bernie is a test. There was no board in the desert. That's the only positive. The Jews were tested, but not like me... Grandma Faye's broken lawn chair is not an inheritance.,, When things are hard... When we needed to set up for the annual dinner, you ran. When we you had to pay for your kids to go to the shul's camp, you ran. You even stopped coming when the shul realized you were only coming to see me for free coffee... The shul lobby was like a free Starbucks... Running because the board only cares about death. The president... The one sitting to my right... Yes you. Plaques and the Yizkur pamphlets are their inheritance. You can't take that away. They were afflicted with this generation. Give honor to those who are not with us anymore. H' protected us in the desert and He chastised us like a father chastises his son... Similar to the way Mark screams at Rafi. Yes. It's simple. Follow rules... I know that nobody here does. (Devarim 8:6) 'Guard the MItzvot of H' to go in His ways and to fear Him.' That's all you need to do... I chastise you, because the parents do nothing in this shul. They let the kids run around. This is why we go to Israel. To practice the Mitzvot and fear H.' It's moving back home... I know the Feldstein kids ran. I get it... No. Michael. You've got to get out of the house already. And same for you Reuven... Rachel's parents love having her at the home. That's different. She respects her parents and takes out the garbage... House rules. She follows them. And she even sold some of the garbage at the garage sale. (Devarim 7:17-21) 'Don't fear any of the nations'... When you practice Mitzvot you don't have to worry... We have to worry about the building fund, because nobody follows the rules here... Mitzvot are rules. Commandments are rules. We have shul rules that you don't push strolers through the shul... You put names in the Yizkur book. 'Be broken' are the words. You won't break me. It's in the desert that we learned not to fear. After being here, with this congregation, I fear no one... Why do you think I developed a caffeine addiction???! Dealing with... You will not break me. You do stuff because of a relationship. You trust in God. We built that relationship in the desert. And hence, we're ready for an inheritance. You trust, and you don't fear others... If you would've sent your kids to the shul day camp, they would know bad conditions. They would understand they have to give something to the relationship, other than ruining the shul's walls... The hallway is not a bouncy house. You smile at people because they're good to you... It's a relationship. I'm not talking about when they try to sell you wicker... You give deals at garage sales... You light up plaques and put people in the Yizkur pamphlets. They dealt with this congregation, and didn't break. Their inheritance is those plaques. That's our relationship with the past. Not with this president... It's a relationship. They paid their dues. They showed to Minyin. They respected their rabbi. They sent their kids to day camp. You sit with the rabbi. It's a relationship. You show up to day camp, to support. You don't rip off people with messed up bedding at a garage sale... It's not about the inheritance. You do it, and you will get the inheritance... If you need to pay for a plaque, you do it... I understand that you were trying to sell your inheritance at the shul's garage sale. Maybe if you remembered the desert, you'd smile at people and be kind... You don't need an inheritance from Mark... He's not even related to you... Smile at him, because it's a shul rule. It's a Mitzvah... Names go in the Yizkur books... It's a rule. And then people give money. If people just did their part... We had to skip four Aliyahs, because nobody did their part... I understand the president is now charging up front... You hit them up with envelopes afterwards. That's how you get their inheritance. Nobody goes up to the Torah for an Aliyah, to pay... The Jews show their commitment doing Mitzvot. Do those in harsh conditions and show your worthy of the inheritance. If you can practice Mitzvot around the heretics sitting in the back left of our shul... What do you do? How do you show your commitment, to be able to inherit this shul?... I’ve dealt with you. Rivka’s Rundown I think the rabbi was claiming the shul as his at the end of his sermon. He said he dealt with enough here, and that he keeps the Mitzvot. The rabbi looked at everybody and told them they will not break him. It was like he was sticking up to the bully. He turned to the president and reiterated that he won't be broken. The rabbi doesn't like the president. He says the president thinks he's running a business. He doesn't get it. Businesses don't have this much money. You have to be a nonprofit to have the money we have. He's firing people. He's charging for everything now. The president even went over to Sadie at Kiddish and told her, 'That Kichel will be three dollars. Rugulach are four a piece.' After dealing with the board, we know the rabbi is committed to the shul. The rabbi gave his sermon in three minutes. He talked real fast this week. I think the coffee is getting to him. The rabbi made it clear that his relative addiction is to caffeine and it's not an addiction to his relatives, as he doesn't like them well enough. The Mountain Dew meetings were a bit much. The garage sale was messed up. They wanted to sell a lamp for eighty dollars because it was their grandparents' lamp. They said it's in the same condition their grandparents gave it. Their grandparents broke it. We have to respect our ancestors. The rabbi made that part of his new charter. He called it the Torah. Having children that are the members of the shul now is an affliction they all suffered before they died. They deserve plaques. The rabbi gave the best fundraising advice. You do stuff to honor those who passed, you get rid of the president, and then they'll give the money. Then the shul ends up getting the inheritance. Tags:
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Announcements
The singles dinner for Tu BAv will take place next week. No singles signed up for the dinner tonight. We realized that charging money chases single people away. We also learned that they're not good at committing to anything. For this reason, the event will take place next week, with no commitment from anybody. We were advised that the exact numbers we should cook for is 'a lot.' We will host them instead, so they don't have to give anything to anybody. They're not used to giving. No more Carlebach Chazins. No more jumpers. We need to be able to find you. From now on Cantors must stand at the Chazin’s podium. If you're leading services, you cannot end up in somebody's seat, or somewhere outside the shul. There are Yahrzeits in the shul this week. Don't worry. The office will send you letters to make sure you donate money. All deaths are logged for financial reasons. If you're single, please get married. It depresses us to have to see you in shul. You would look less pathetic with a Tallis or head-covering. Please. For the sake of the children of the shul and their hope for a decent future, get married. The parents of the shul are having a hard time explaining you. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants and Single People who Don't Pay Dues... The word 'VaEtchanan' comes from Chanun. Compassion. When Moshe prays to God, he is asking for His compassion. The same way I ask for compassion from my congregants to not bother me... who can't figure out what a Shoresh is... It's the root word, Bernie. Chanun is the Shoresh of VaEtchanan... Every sermon, I have to give a five minute course on what the Parsha is... Go over the Parsha. If you listened at Hebrew school... Pray for the single people. They need your help. Single people need your compassion. Look at them. They're pathetic... Moshe wants to go to Israel and H' tells him no... Moshe listens, unlike the board, who feels that baseball games is what the community needs... We need a Minyin. We need people who donate money when there's a Yahrzeit... Bills! Bills, Bernie. (Devarim 3:26) Moshe tells the people that H' told him, 'It is enough for you. Speak to Me no more regarding this matter.' I tried telling this to the board, but they're not religious. Why can't I get the congregants to stop asking me questions... If you listened, we would've had a normal singles event... I know they can't commit. That's why they're single. Your questions regarding fundraising. It's too much. Somebody dies. You make money off it. They die and you ask the family for money. It's not hard. You don't complicate it with candle light vigils... I told you we need a cantor who will get through the davening. You bring a guy to sing Carlebach songs. We can't even find him half the time. He's hopping all over. Speak to me no more regarding this matter. Rashi quotes Sifrei who translates 'Rav Lecha' (too much for you) to mean that 'you have much.' I know single people have nothing... We have a lot. Those who aren't single have a lot. A great family... We have to understand that, and see the good we have. We can't go jumping away from the good, adding to stuff all the time. Be happy with what you have, unless if you're single. Single people have very little. If anything... Just stick to what you have... The Feldsteins have very little... Everybody talks about how pathetic your home is. Even the single people... We have a beautiful Tefillah. The prayers are amazing. Accept what we have. We have beautiful prayers. The congregants have no idea what they mean, but they're beautiful. We can't have a Chazin jumping away from it. We lost the Chazin. He was a jumper… Middle of Lecha Dodi, where did he go?! That’s what we were trying to figure out all last night... We were happy to see you this morning. We thought you got lost in your jumping… The Carlbeach Chazin is too much… He jumped off the Bima and ended up somewhere in the corridor… You stay on your stage. We had no idea where you were. We thought we lost you... You have a spot. You have much. It's a beautiful spot with a podium. Stay there... We have people who love baseball. A great shul fantasy league. We have much. The congregants have no idea who Pinchas was. They know who Vladimir Guerroro Jr. is. We have much talking in the middle of Davening... H' tells Moshe to go up to the top of the Mountain and see it. Sometimes you have to notice that there's a future. You accept your spot in this world and you give to the future... Bernie. You've done enough. Sometimes it's time to move on... (Devarim 3:28) He tells Moshe, 'Tell Yehoshua to be strong and courageous.' He tells Mosh to pass the leadership on... 'Strong and courageous.' The only advice I got from the board was 'watch out for Bernie'... You support me. You don't tell me to watch out for the membership. You don't tell me that you'll be a thorn in my side... Like Moshe gave Yehoshua the correct advice, give the single people decent advice. Not hand-me-downs. Help them get married... I know Tu BAv was yesterday. Give them hope... Even if it's a lie. Tell them they have to be strong. Go to the gym and work out to meet somebody. These people are so out of shape in our shul. You can't meet anybody if you're weak... To our single people. Be strong. Start working out. And you might have some courage... They have very little to offer. Why is everybody wearing white?… It's the Tu BAv tradition to run to the fields too. You're not running. You're too out of shape. Very not strong... You’re married. It's not showing solidarity with the single people to wear white. You're stealing their dates. Single people are supposed to wear the white stuff. The women wear it and the guys know they're single. And you don't even cover your hair. How are the single guys supposed to know to not hit on you... The ring is tiny... We know the Feldsteins are poor... It's all too much. This whole shul is too much. Be happy with what you have. Don't make it too much. Even at the baseball game, you all ate so much... We have so much in this shul. Stop sharing ideas with me. It's annoying already. See all the stuff we have. Maybe open the Chumash and go over the Parsha... So, I don't have to explain everything, Bernie... Have compassion on your rabbi and stop asking so many questions. Rivka’s Rundown Second week in a row where the rabbi's message was that the shul is too much. He's correct. The congregants are painful. The shul doesn’t pay the bills. That's why we still have a building fund. Forty years running. A building fund. They built the building and didn't have the funds. We've had a thermometer outside the shul for the past forty years. I think the rabbi was too honest with the single people. They did mess up. They know it. They spent their post Tu BAv crying about how they have nothing. It's hard to know who's single in shul. When you're in the middle of the Amidah (Silent prayer) you don't know who to hit on. We need married codes. The problem is the members aren't religious enough. If they were, we would see Sheytels. Those wigs are clear. A real Sheytel lets you know that's a married woman. When you see twice the amount of normal hair on somebody, you know they're married. I think we need tags. Modern people will wear tags. They won't cover their hair. We don't have to worry about the men. Nobody hits on them. The men in our congregation look awful. I think the rabbi told Bernie it's time for him to die. Between us, his kids won't give anything to the shul. They probably won't even buy a plaque. The Chazin was jumper. Very good height on his bounces. The rabbi truly was worried we lost him. He even sent a search party out before reading the Torah. They did eat a lot at the baseball game. And they begged for more. They wanted more. They were praying for more, and the rabbi had to tell them ‘it’s too much for you. You’ve had a lot.’ This is part of the reason they're out of shape. The fantasy league is a bit much. They have a chart in the back of the shul showing where the congregants are placing in the fantasy league. They took down one of the memorial plaque boards for the chart. They said their ancestors were baseball fans. It's an embarrassment. The men can't figure out how to call up anybody for an Aliyah, but they have the order of the fantasy standings down. They have no idea what their parents' Hebrew names are, but they can name every rookie in the National League. Tags:
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Announcements
The Tisha BAv food drive is going to take place on the fast day itself. We know that you give food you don't like. Disgusting food, like peas and carrots. So, the Chesed people aren't worried that it'll make you hungry. We’re also looking to encourage poor people to mourn with us, and we believe that your food donations of canned vegetables, and bad purchase like almond butter, will help. The break-fast will take place at the Schwartz's home. Hopefully they'll cook something decent this year. We did tell them that nobody likes ground chicken schnitzel. They apologize for last year’s chicken schnitzel fopaux. They said they’ll be sure to not grind up decent food this year. We are going to have Effie do Anim Zmirot from now on. He’s the best kid and he has proven to be the most violent. The Gabai doesn't want to get between the fourth-grade boys fighting over who is going to lead services. He has a family and needs to stay healthy for them. The cause of baseless hatred is taking too long with Mishebeyrachs. We understand you want to bless your family, the shul, your neighborhood, all of Klal Yisrael, the Olam, and all of your cousins by name, but people want to eat Shabbat lunch. From now on, you can’t steal more than twelve minutes of davening with one Aliyah. The board has decided that if you're wealthy enough, we can wait. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People… I was late. I was stuck behind Herman. He’s a very slow walker. Then, I made the mistake of holding the door for him… Herman. You caused Davening to take another forty minutes this week, when you went up for your Aliyah… We had to wait for you to get up. Walk faster… Then get a better walker… You made us wait in shul too. You should’ve skipped the Mishebeyrachs. Those blessings for your family were way too long… There’s a certain point where you don’t bless everybody by name… Like your friends in the office… You just make us wait, Herman… And Bernie is worse… (Devarim 1:6) H’ tells the Jews, ‘You’ve been at this mountain long enough.’ ‘Rav Lachem’ are the words used. ‘It’s too much for you.’ ‘It’s too much for you to be here.’ Couldn’t dwell at Har Chorev. We were in shul way too long today, thanks to Herman... It felt like we were dwelling here. THat's the length. Too much. They were at Sinai long enough. At some point, it’s too much. God wants you out. Move on. Get out… Yes. Reuven. You’re now twenty-eight years old. Get out of the house… It’s your parent’s house. 'It's too much for you.' The proper way of telling people you want them out. Being at this shul is too much for me. Twelve years with you. Pain… I understand H’ may have not been talking about pain. I’m talking about how painful it is… There’s a certain amount of time where it turns into pain. The third month in this shul… Topeka is too much for you… 'It's too much for you.' That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past twelve years... It's a proper way of trying to get people to leave, Bernie... The Mishebeyrachs are too much. Too much for this congregation. Not all of your kids can lead davening. Just Effie…. It’s too much. Too much fighting. Too many messed up Aliyahs by the Gabai... It's too much for you. I've told the Gabai this for years. Can't get rid of him... This all causes hatred. We have Tisha BAv tonight. And there is hatred because of how you act at shul. The Mikdash Miat. The Small Temple, and there is so much hatred. It’s all too much. Can you imagine what happened when the Gabai called up the wrong lamb for the sacrifice?... It’s too much for all of us. It’s too much for the Schwartzs to host. They can’t cook…. As long as there's split pea soup and croutons, that's all you need... Need the soup nuts and split pea soup to break the fast... Tradition. What does 'too much for you' mean? In this congregation, it means 'I can't help out.' If cleaning is needed after Kiddish, 'I can't help out... I've got to leave my paper plate on the table.' If Herman needs help moving, 'I can't help out. I'm sitting.' If Tzedakah is needed, 'I can't help out. I worked overtime last week. That's my money. I can't pay dues either...' Rashi quotes Sifrei and explains ‘Rav Lachem’ to mean that God has given the Jewish people ‘much greatness’ at the mountain ‘as a reward for having lived there.’ H’ gave us ‘the Mishkan , the menorah… the Torah… Sandhedrin, and leaders.’ At some point, you have to move on. It's too much to baby you. H' has already given you enough here... I have given so much to you. Please leave. Sorry. I mean to say, 'It's too much for you'... When you become passive, it’s over. You can't depend on me for every little thing. Move on. Stop bothering me with your questions. It's too much… You need to learn something to move on… You don’t have a Mishkan… Is this a Tabernacle, Bernie?... You don’t show up to shul… Your parents should’ve taught you to cook. You can move out now, Reuven. You should’ve learned how to daven… Getting rid of some of the membership wouldn’t be bad... Chorev is Sinai. Learn something… It’s painful dealing with you. It’s too much to explain everything to you… (Devarim 1:12) Moshe goes on, ‘How can I bear your trouble, your burden, and your strife all by myself?’ That's how I feel. You're a burden... No strife? Have you heard Harriet at Kiddish? And then the Sheytel committee???!!! Strife. Rashi translates ‘trouble’ to show that the Israelites were troublesome… You do follow tradition. And that is beautiful. Yes. It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You don't care about your leader. That's why its too much for me too. When Moshe brings up the idea of having other leaders, (Devarim 1:14) the people responded to Moshe, ‘What you say is good.’ Like they wanted him out. I get the feeling you’re ungrateful… Did you ever say, 'Rabbi. You know. Maybe you should have the honor of opening the ark for Anim Zmirot.' Ungrateful... I can take Effie... It's all too much, because you mess things up. H' realized that it was enough at Har Sinai. The people took what they could... You become complacent. Do messed up stuff. A Tisha BAv food drive. Why is everything a food drive?... I understand that Chesed is the big thing now... I think that mourning the loss of the Temple is much kinder than giving a poor person food on a fast day… It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You're a burden. You even cause strife with poor people... They're taking this messed up food you give them and now they're mad at this congregation... Yes. They're saying it's not enough. Tu BAv, the holiday of love is coming up. I hope you are less trouble... You're Shidduch for Shaindy last year was messed up. Too much... Take it easy on the singles. Your messed up Shidduch ideas are too much... Forget about the fact that they live 3,000 miles away and don't speak English. You suggested a bouncy house. A bouncy house?... I understand that Campy Castle is fun. They're thirty-five... When something is for two and up, you look off going at thirty-five. Especially when you're single. It's wrong... Put the singles in your Mishebeyrachs. You can help the single people... Oy. It's too much. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi just gave up at the end of his sermon. He even threw up his arms as he left the podium. It seems like a large part of the sermon was the rabbi trying to get the members to leave the shul. He wanted them to leave Topeka. To never come back to our city again. I think he feels that our congregants are too much for the county. The rabbi ended up composing a new Piyut, hymn, called 'It's too much for you.' In the Piyut for Tisha BAv, he has an acrostic that says 'The members of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah are very annoying.' It’s hard hearing it from your parents. Can you imagine hearing God tell you it’s time to move out? I don't know how Reuven would take it. I do think he would still stay. He hasn't left his parents house. He's still there. Reuven has to get out of his parent’s house. Nobody showed up for shul on Tisha BAv. They showed up for the break-fast. The fasting is too much. And nobody helped the Schwartz family set it up. It was too much for them. People really don't help with anything in the shul. One of the kids didn't even do Barchu at his Bar Mitzvah. The Gabai called him up. The Bar Mitzvah boy went up to the Torah and said, 'It's too much.' I think they've missed the message of too much. As the rabbi said, it was about moving on, they've accomplished what they could. The rabbi did say that our membership has accomplished nothing. It might be the other lesson of giving to other people that the rabbi feels our congregation can connect with. 'Give to the community by leaving us... It's too much for you. Give to others.' The Schwartzs had no idea people were coming for the break-fast. They thought that since they didn't come on Tisha BAv, they wouldn't come for the break-fast. To note, the reason people didn't come on Tisha BAv is that there was no food at shul. The break-fast had split pea soup. You need split pea soup with croutons to break a fast. They scored big with that split pea. It saved the break-fast. I was thinking about the break-fast the whole sermon. I was worried about fasting. Once the rabbi mentioned Tisha BAv, I had a nervous breakdown. I ran home and ate the rest of the day. Everybody started saying 'It's too much for you.' It was the new code for 'I don't want to speak to you.' The congregation became very passive aggressive. Herman walks very slow. That's not a question. Calling him up to the Torah for an Aliyah is too much for everybody. Herman had the rabbi find his Mishebeyrach list. That took five minutes; which was less time than it would've taken for Herman to get back to his seat. And then he did a twenty minute Mishebeyrach or so. The new Mishebeyrach rules have been charted. The first rule is 'get the blessings over with, quick.' The bylaw reads, 'Nobody cares about your family and your friends. Don't say all their names.' Effie is a bit of davening bully. He tells all the other kids he’s better than them. The parents were mad, hearing their kids aren’t good. They already know their kids aren’t good at sports. Now they’re hearing they’re not good Jewish leaders. Shul troubles. There are many. And it is all because the congregants do stuff. I believe that anything they do is too much. People should never set people up. I believe there wouldn't be so many single Jews right now, if people wouldn't try to help. If people didn't help, people would get married. They would probably date people they're attracted to. We thought the rabbi was saying he wanted to retire. He wanted a raise. If Moshe would’ve just said he wanted a raise to deal with the people, they would've foregone the other leaders idea that Moshe was bringing up. He should've just said he wanted a raise to deal with the issues. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebukes II: Matos-Masai7/31/2022
Announcements
The shul baseball game will be next week. As the shul's softball team is pathetic, we'll be going to see local a Single-A team. The board felt it's important to see a game where somebody hits a ball. Topeka Torpedo tickets are on sale at the shul website for $35. You can also purchase tickets at the box office for $3. Make reservations through the shul, but buy tickets at the box office just in case the office messes up again. There will be food. As we’re using the Torpedoes for a shul event, we don’t want to give the Feldsteins an excuse to eat nonKosher hotdogs. Our sponsor, who is not covering anybody’s ticket, wants to ensure there’s a Kiddish feel at the game. From now on, Anim Zmirot will have security. There is too much violence when the kids open the ark. Too much hairpulling last week. In Sunday school, we’ll be educating the kids on proper shul etiquette, and teach how to scream at the Gabai when they’re mad. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 30:3) If a person makes a vow or an oath and make something prohibited, 'he shall not desecrate his word. All that comes out of his mouth he shall do.' Be a man of your word, Bernie... Do stuff. You've desecrated the shul, and you've desecrated yourself. A lot of desecration here... You said you would go bowling with me, Bernie. You didn't show. If you say you're going to donate money... You flipped the appeal card. Your promises mean nothing. You said 'I swear' and you didn't do it... Let's say you're in court. Can't trust you... Because you lie. You're liars. It's called lying... 'Let's hang out. And then you don't show up. That's called standing people up. Standing people up is Asur... It's forbidden. You should be stoned... Be a man of your word... Sadie. Your tongue is foul... Rightfully. They're annoying. But you swear a lot. A dirty tongue... No. The Parsha doesn't talk about cursing. But you should watch that. It comes out of your mouth. Desecration... Stick to your promises. Why is your child coming to me for the bike? You promised it to him on Pesach... He thinks I'm Pesach Santa... Because you didn't get him the Afikomen bike, Shmuel... I understand a father or husband may annul an oath. But you don't want to make messed up statements to begin with... They annul it, because they know you're going to mess it up. I've seen it Katie... You mess up everything. You flipped a two thousand on the appeal card last year... You said you were going to give the money, and you didn't. You said no violence in the shul... Your kids are fighting every time they open the ark.... It's like watching Herman and the Gabai. Any time Herman doesn't get Psicha, he yells at the guy... There are other people in the shul Herman... That wasn't a Neder. The Gabai said he would call you up. That doesn't mean every honor is yours... I understand it was vague. He should've said 'I'll call you up for an Aliyah.' You expect.... I'm trying to say. Parent. Parent. You took the oath of parenthood. There's no reason your kids should be running around in shul, fighting in front of the Aron Kodesh... It's the ark, Bernie. They shouldn't be fighting to serve God together... That's a problem in this congregation. We come together to serve God in battle... Everything is a fight. Even, who gets the honor to say the prayer of peace amongst Israel... Our coach, Dr. Feinblum, said we would win a game this year. We won nothing... The Torpedoes don't count. They're not the shul team. You say it. So, do it... Stop lying. It's a desecration. It's the Nine Days. Do what you can for the community... You said you would build the Beit Hamikdash. I don't see the Third Temple... Show for stuff. You don't show for your Aliyahs either. Gavriel the Gabai calls you up to the Torah and you just sit in your seat. Move. Do something... Then stop sleeping during davening... Come to the baseball game... Purchasing a ticket is a vow. If you say you're coming to a game. If you say you'll be somewhere... By not showing, you desecrated baseball too... Don't be like Bernie... All lies. When you don't live up to your word, you're lying, and that's a desecration. A desecration of yourself... A desecration of your shul. Of your community. A desecration of your family. A desecration of your friends. Your ancestors. Your coworkers... Shabbat too... When they made this shul, they vowed to make it Jewish... Baseball isn't Jewish... Sandy Koufax did not serve in the Beit HaMidksash... Kosher food doesn't make it a Jewish event. Nothing Jewish in this shul. The baseball game and the… They’re the only events you go to… We vowed to be a Jewish shul…. Kosher food doesn’t make everything a Jewish event... The bulletin mentioned nothing but baseball. Might as well put down 'Drinking' for the next event… I know it's an Oneg Shabbat. But everything we do is not Jewish. Why add in the Jewish aspect to the event?... After drinking and baseball, maybe we can go ice skating. Ice skating is Jewish. I think a Jew ice skated before... Shabbat times weren’t even in the announcements. Just baseball... I understand we’re not getting a Minyin… People don't show to what they've committed to. You're born Jewish, you're committed to... By not showing. You desecrated baseball too... Living up to your word is Jewish. You said you would come to the game... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi spent a very long time explaining who you desecrate. The rabbi knows how to get people to come to events. Due to this worry of vows, people stopped RSVPing for Simchas. I don't take anybody for their word in the community. The rabbi gets offended when the congregants don't hang with him. He really cares about baseball and bowling. The rabbi holds his congregants to high standards. Building the Temple is one of them. If we ever have a decent handyman in the shul, the rabbi will send him to Israel to build the Third Temple. People think the appeal cards are a scratch it game. They have no idea that flipping those tags is a pledge. They play with the card, and think that if they flip over the 2k, they've won the money. They really do fight in shul. They say prayers for peace and join together in prayer to fight with each other. Honors cause the most fights. The rabbi is thinking of running every Aliyah like it's Simchat Torah, calling everybody up as a group. I disagree with the rabbi regarding what a Jewish event is, as does the rest of the community. You add kosher food to anything and it's Jewish. Kosher food makes it Jewish. The rest of the community just disagrees with the rabbi on everything. So, I figure they disagree with the rabbi about what makes something Jewish too. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Pinchas7/24/2022
Announcements
The new sign at shul will be electric. We want to thank Freddie’s Barbershop for donating it. The shul will be receiving $1,000 a month for the new flashing neon sign out front, saying ‘Freddie’s Barbershop and Ribs with Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah.’ We pray it leads to more advertisement, and Felvel has a Refuah Sheleyma (full recovery). There's lot of space in shul. Above the left women’s section we have more room for adverts, between the stained glass. We'll be filling that out. If you want to save money on your High Holiday seats, we'll place adverts at your chair, next to the Yizkur appeal cards. Micky's garage is sponsoring the adverts for better deals on tune ups. The finger licking isn't going to stop. We understand the older people can't turn pages without saliva and chaching. As discussed in the page turning workshop, the shul rule is that you can only lick fingers on your left hand. Your right hand must be available for clean handshakes. The shul will also provide volunteers to turn pages for the elderly. We also ask that people keep chaching to a minimum, in the middle of the cantor's repetition. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Flock… (Bamidbar 25:10-11) H' tells Moshe that Pinchas 'turned My anger away from the children of Israel by his avenging My vengeance among them...' There's anger in this shul. A lot of anger. Nobody avenges for the rabbi... Then you would've kicked out the back left section... Nobody fought for Simchi's seat. It's his Makom Kavuah... It's his regular seat. You just let Bernie go over and sit there... I know he's old. But you don't do things in shul that are wrong... Like Zimri taking Cazbi in front of the congregation to do whatever. Taking somebody's seat is also wrong... Simchi wasn't mad??? He took one of the plastic chairs and threw it... I'm not saying anger is right. But this congregation can... How many times you bring on anger. The leaving the paper towel by the sink... You throw it in the garbage... The garbage is right there. Anger... It's not a basketball game. If you miss, you pick it up and put it in... You're so bad at sports. The shul softball team can't even throw to first right. You think you're going to hit a paper towel shot... indy's hat... It's too big. Women can't see. Even if nobody steals their seats, they can't see... Pinchas killed them and the plague stopped. He stabbed them. Jabbed them a bunch of times. Blood. Death... Then don't take people's chairs. Lesson learned... Sometimes revenge must be had to educate a people. You take the towel and throw it at them. Then say, 'You don't leave towels by the sink. It offends God...' The Anim Zmirot fiasco was one that needed somebody to take a stand. Fights all the time... I understand that the kids are in preschool. Pulling the ark curtain causes a lot of violence. We need people to take a step in and be there to protect the community... You can get involved in a four year old fight. It's fine. A lot of scratching. Danger. Stranger danger... When they see the grandkids visiting for the summer, that they never met, they get more violent... 'So that I didn't destroy the children of Israel'... Sticking up for God, stops the plague. Pinchas stopped the plague, because he fought against the immorality. He defended the honor of the community and the Tabernacle... The Kiddish fight of '97. I was there. Nobody stuck up for Marina and Milt... Kiddishes with nothing but Kichel. And then you have the Simcha hall. Same tablecloths... You call it sticking up for Pinny, when you set him up with these girls from Florida. They're two thousand miles away... Why are you listening to the Gabai? There is a rabbi, with an 'r' and a Gabai with a 'g'... Gabai means he's volunteering. We have to stop listening to volunteers... Paper towels all over the sink. And that's what led to the destruction of the shul... Would H' destroy this shul? I am not saying that people should hurt the Gabai. I am just saying that the Gabai, the president... People have to stand up to them... Otherwise, we get stuck with messed up food cupboards and mucus all over the pages. Rashi likens jealousy to revenge... Pinchas took Gd's revenge by killing Zimri and Cazbi... Revenge on behalf of others can be fine... Revenge isn't allowed, when you're taking revenge for the Danish you didn't get. It’s wrong when it’s your revenge. When it’s your jealousy, that’s wrong. When it’s for somebody else, it’s right. You get that Danish… There was a plague. Somebody had to do something. Stabbing people is not supported by the shul’s board. I have asked them many times, to see if there was a loophole... Sometimes you have to take a step up, on behalf of a weak congregation… Very weak. Can’t even hit a baseball. Summer league has been pathetic again... Of course they all think we can't get a Minyin on Shabbis. Our congregants can't even walk the bases... (Bamidbar 25:12) 'I hereby give him My covenant of peace.' You get a covenant of peace if you fight against evil. Fighting evil, Pinchas receives God's covenant of peace. And I fight Bernie every day... It’s wrong when it’s your revenge. When you throw paper towels at people for others, it's the right thing to do. I have been fighting against salivating on Siddurs for the past many years. I have lost the battles with Bernie and Merv. I understand they have to lick their fingers... For the next generation, I pray there will be peace and Siddurs that are not disgusting, with the look of cigar mucus on them. You stick up for other people... Helping other people is a form of sticking up for them. A food pantry can help the poor. That's a Pinchas move. Sticking up for the poor.... A pantry that holds more than a Twizzler… A decent food pantry brings peace. Stops destruction... A pantry for other people. A pantry that holds more than a Twizzler… I don’t think Pinchas would’ve held up a convenience store… He would’ve left stuff in the pantry. And that stops destruction… Destruction of the Temple is because of Bernie. If we stop the fights among the kids. If we stop taking people's chairs. If we stop people from throwing paper towels, who aren't athletes, and can't hit a garbage can, we can bring peace to our shul, and stop the destruction... And we must advertise the shul’s pantry better… The shul doesn’t need advertisements. The shul needs to let people know where the pantry is... The banner above the left women’s section. Why do we have a sign saying ‘Kohl’s is good for all Jews’?... They didn’t have that in the Beit Hamikdash, Bernie. The shul is a small Temple… I saw the downfall of the shul when I didn't see the old shul signage anymore, and I walked in today to the neon club lighting of ‘Freddie’s Barbershop and Ribs with Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah.’ Rivka’s Rundown I hate to say this, but Simchi has anger issues. How the rabbi compared Zimri violating H' and Israel to Bernie sitting down because he's tired is hard to understand. He blamed Bernie for the destruction of the Temple, two thousand years ago. The rabbi did bring up counting the congregants, to make sure we have enough people to go to war. I don't know where that came from. Though, it was a very meaningful food pantry point. I also have no idea how the pantry is going to help the soldiers going out to war. I don’t think the rabbi was promoting violence over chairs, or people taking too much pastry at Kiddish. I am not sure. He is definitely thinking about taking action about mucus on Siddurs. There is a lot of violence by the Anim Zmirot prayer at the end of services, where we let the kids go up to open the ark. The preschoolers get very violent over their honors. It's similar to the fights started over Aliyahs (getting called to the Torah) in the early 2000s. The police had to escort the Gabai out, for his safety, when one congregant turned the Chumash cover into a shank and chased him, after the congregant didn't get the Levite Aliyah. The congregant was allowed back, as he explained that the other guy didn't deserve the Aliyah, just because he doesn't show up to shul very often. The congregant with the shank Chumash cover was allowed back, as he had a good point, and pays his dues on time. The other guy who got the Aliyah is not a wealthy Levite. The board voted in favor of chasing the Gabai with a Chumash shank. They said it would've been fine to chase the Chazin as well, as he sang too many tunes that Shabbat, and services lasted way too long. After Shabbat, the rabbi took a sledge hammer and knocked down the sign in the front of the shul. The board did not give the OK on it, and many were mad, as they're fans of Freddie's Barbershop. They did agree that having pictures of the non-kosher ribs on the sign of the shul wasn't right, even if it did draw more people to shul. The next shul dinner the rabbi is slated to receive the shul's covenant of peace. The rabbi also has a problem with the signage in the shul for local businesses. He wants to bring back Bingo, as he feels that is more proper way to raise money. As he said, 'Bingo keeps people away from the casinos, and it brings people to our shul who pay for something.' I believe the rabbi has an issue with every decision the board has ever made. Nobody takes a step up and sticks up for anybody in the shul. The Kiddish fight, where the family ganged up on the non-drunk guy. It was messed up. Nobody stepped in. Yankel pulling Tzachi's hair at the ark, people were scared of Yankel. He's a four year old bully. Real bad at sports. People are even scared to step up to the plate. Nobody takes a step up with anything in our shul. Only the rabbi. He is the only one with the covenant of peace. The whole sermon, there was chaching coming from the right side of the shul. Nobody said a thing. Nobody stuck up for the rabbi. I don't know how you stop them from chaching. I don't think Pinchas would stab them. I believe that back in the times of the Tabernacle, he would've given them some lozenges. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Chukat7/8/2022
Announcements
The Shul yard sale will take place next Sunday. We ask that you sell stuff people want. They were offended by your 1980s tube TVs with the huge backs. They are not carriable, and they don't fit in homes. One guy said he needed a Minyin to lift the TV. We understand you have stuff you want to get rid of, but writing 'We've upgraded to a flat screen that’s bigger and fits in our house’ on your item is offensive. We also ask that you don't sell twin mattresses that are too small for you to sleep on. If you can't sleep on it, that means it's too small for people. Wicker chairs are also discouraged. To quote a disgruntled member of the community who doesn't like to shop at Home Decor Inc., 'Am I not good enough for normal ottomans? I have to sit on wicker?! Wicker with no cushion?!' Anything that is trash, please don’t bring to sell. If it’s in a trash bag, please don't bring it this year. Unopened trash bags are also not allowed to be sold this year either. We're not having another grab bag event. The board also asks that negotiations not get too loud. It’s embarrassing. It gives our shul a bad reputation when you fight. As we know that all of our members that are into collectibles are hoarders, we ask that you don't leave your collections behind. And no leaving your trash you can’t sell behind. Last year we almost had a Hoarders TV show episode filmed at the shul, when they heard the secretary couldn't get out, due to the couch with cats in it. When they heard they were dead cats, they wanted to know what kind of membership we have. We noticed who didn't show to this year's fundraiser. We're keeping track of your lack of support for the shul. We suggest members show to events. You should all show to funerals as well. We’re all keeping track of who is coming. Simchas are now being hosted to get mad at people that don't give decent gifts. There is resentment to bad gift givers. The shul has received many complaints about the Frankel family in the suggestion box. The main suggestion was to not invited the Frankels to any Simcha. We suggest all members give a lot of money, so there's less shul hatred, and we have less to listen to at Kiddish. We also ask you spend at least two hundred dollars on gifts. That or give two hundred dollars straight. If it's not on sale, the two hundred dollars is better in cash. Sales are greatly appreciated, as that shows you put thought into the gift. For this reason, it’s suggested you keep the sale sign on the gift. We've been asked to announce that Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, as well as weddings and Brises, are an investment. There's a reason you're invited to birthday parties as well. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Impure... (Bamidbar 19:2) H' tells Moshe and Aharon, 'This is the Chok of the Torah'.... It's a decree. I'm not going to explain... Why do I have to explain every little thing to you? You still don't trust me... Now I understand H.' If you were His congregants... 'Why? I'm God. I think that's the explanation.' Rashi, quoting Tanchuma 7-8, explains that it's a decree that you can't contemplate over... Because other nations and the Satan will ask the reasons for this Mitzvah... And because you're annoying. This congregation is very annoying... No more contemplating. When you guys think about stuff, you mess it up. The garage sale. It was on a lawn... Then call it a yard sale. Stop thinking about stuff... It's not like people like garage sales more than yard sales... It's a Satan... Yes. I've contemplated leaving this shul. Every question you guys ask is a Satan. A bunch of Satan questions... The back left. Satan conversations... Yes. You have to keep Shabbis... I won't give in. I will not tell you what this Dvar Torah is about... Every sermon, you want to know. I feel like you asking me what I am talking about is a Satan in the shul... What's the Chok? The red heifer to purify people. The mixture... You're not pure. So, let's focus on the shul. We need Shul decrees... You have to wear a tie. No looking over the Mechitza... It scares the women. I shall not explain. These are Choks. I am not a sinner. I don't explain stuff. 'And you shall go in God's ways.' From now on, I will explain nothing as a rabbi... And no more sinning... It's a Chok. I will not explain what the sins are. Just don't do them... (Bamidbar 19:20) 'And a man that becomes impure and doesn't purify himself, this person shall be cut off from the people.' Anybody who... I feel like this congregation should be cut off. You walk in without a tie. Impure... Who else should be cut off from our shul? At least from Bingo night... And Bernie. Cut him off... Why do we allow these congregants... Bad gift givers at Simchas. Kick them out. Why do you even invite them... The shul needs a registry of bad gift givers, to know who to not invite to Simchas... You know, when they give you a twenty dollar bill with a smile, you should've have invited them... And clean clothes. (19:7) You have to clean your clothes too... Before coming into the camp, you have to be clean... Shower, for crying out loud. It's the summer... It's a Chok. I don't have to explain it. A Chok. You give decent gifts. It's wedding season. If you don't do it. You're cut off... I'm not going to explain what cut off means... I will not promise seats in shul for the High Holidays. Cut off... More Choks for the shul... And rugulach at Kiddish... A decent spread includes locks, AND RED ONIONS... If you decided to place it in a trash bag, there’s a reason. It shouldn’t be at the shul yard sale. One guy literally dumped trash last year… It was his trash. There were chicken bones. Marrow sucked out. Your trash is not somebody else’s treasure, unless that treasure is leftover bitten chicken thighs… They don’t have your memories… You sold your trash as memories last year. Two hundred dollars for a Teddy Ruxpin. They didn’t grow up with Ruxpin… It was an embarrassment. Not a fundraiser. An embarrassment to the shul… Your trash is cut off from the congregation. And that includes your cans of peas and carrots to the food cupboard. You're doing nothing for the poor people… You’ll have to throw it out or recycle it yourself… The shul cannot be embarrassed anymore by your behavior. Cut off… Your trash is cut off. If you can’t dress it up right, then throw it out. Cut it off... Even Fran. Cut off... It's all embarrassing to the congregation. That’s why we have to cut you off… Haggling at the shul… You haggle all the time. You haggled for your dues. It’s Tzedakah… I saw you haggling with the guy that was begging. You don’t haggle with charity… You said, ‘How about a dollar?!’ He asked for a five… It wasn’t shuk day. It wasn’t the Israeli Independence Day event… This is the Midwest. Not the Middle East. You can’t call the amount you sell, your dues. It’s a favor we’re doing for you… People who give bad gifts. They’re cut off from the shul… We don’t want to hear it at Kiddish. We know that The Book of Our Heritage has been given by everybody… You didn't buy it... You gave the book from your son’s Bar Mitzvah. You gave it to Samantha... We understand the meal is less than two hundred dollars. But they’re doing it to make money… None of you showed to my grandfather’s funeral… I have no idea who came. I know who didn’t come. You're cut off... And you didn't give any gifts... It’s a Chok... No. I’m not going to explain what a decree is. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi truly brought home the point of how annoying these questions are. I can't imagine how annoying it is for God to have to explain His commandments to the Jews. 'Why do we have to follow this one?' 'Because I said so. I'm God.' The rabbi left a lot of stuff in his sermon unexplained. He just said, 'It's a Chok. A decree.' It turns out that the whole shul is bad gift givers. They never even went to the registry. What’s on the shul registry? Shul membership dues. The shul registry had different options for paying dues in honor of the Ba'alei Simcha (people being celebrated). One Bar Mitzvah kid received the gift of the Lefkowitz family dues being paid in his name. He didn't like that gift. The new registry of the list of people who shouldn't be invited is out. Everybody chekcs out that registry. The rabbi wants to kick everybody out of the shul. Yes. He did say the congregants are Satan. That did offset letting them all know they're impure. After the sermon, they all accepted they're impure. I think the rabbi is getting sick of explaining the Torah all the time. At one point, he said the whole Torah is a Chok. And he stopped giving classes for half a year. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Korach7/1/2022
Announcements
The shul summer diet is on. We are looking to not be the most out of shape shul this summer. We understand you are all beautiful. However, H' likes it when you look good in a non-double-breasted suit for Davening. And the shul softball team needs it too. In honor of July 4th and commemoration of Canada Day, the shul will be adding a special prayer of thanks to God that we are not Canada. Due to last year's debacle, there won't be fireworks in the shul. We know that fireworks are social. However, safety precautions don't allow for a fire in the shul's halls. Fires on shul premises are not allowed. We already received a citation on Lag BOmer. There will be a pool party for women only. Men aren't allowed, due to laws of modesty, and the sight of you being frightening looking. No hitting people to say 'Hi.' We understand that you're being friendly, but your friendliness hurts. Even if it's a shoulder hit, or tush slap, it's not appreciated. We've had too many shul injuries in our shul due to friendliness. The men’s shelter has expressed their concern. They’ve reported bruises from kind greetings. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... I'm beginning to think you're not. The board decided against my idea of having a choolante cafe... Heretics. You protest. Why? Because it was my idea... Just like the board, there was Korach. We know him as Rachel. The new treasurer... (Bamidbar 16:3) Korach and his people 'gathered on Moshe and on Aharon, and they said to them, "It's too much for you. Cause the whole assembly, all of them are holy... why do you exalt yourselves on the congregation of Israel."'... What's too much for me is having to hear you at Kiddish. The conversations are painful... I don't think that's what God had in mind for the Kohens. Dealing with your complaints. 'Reuven has an issue with how long the Mishebeyrachs take. Aharon. Take care of that. It's your job to deal with the Mishebeyrach issue, Aliyahs, the anger over Malka's new hat being flashy, and lighting the Menorah, Aharon.'... When did the job of the community leaders be to field Samantha's thoughts on the new shul awning? Figuring out why Michal is still mad at Malka for the hats that she wears during the summer... She can wear whatever hats she wants. She doesn't sweat like you, Malka. And the doily is not religious… Doilys are only religious when there's kichel inside of them... That would've been to much for Moshe and Aharon... Because it's annoying. Yitro even noted it to Mosher. He told Moshe, 'This is too much for you. The people will line up with annoying questions. You can see. They have a two mile line, just waiting to complain... The Levi concert line wasn't this long...' Closing on the mortgage is not a Halachik question... I don't know how to answer. I just know that you're gathering against me... Then make the choolante cafe happen... They were 'on.' They gathered against. They didn't gather with. They were looking for their power. On Moshe and Aharon. Kind of like the Gabai, who says that everybody is worthy of an Aliyah... They get the Aliyahs, Shmuel. They all get called to the Torah. They just don't all give sermons... I know they complain. They have no idea what the Torah says. How many of you know what the word 'Barchu' means?.... 'All are holy.' Yes... You're a holy congregation. But annoying. Moshe falls on his face... That means he was praying... Whenever I say Tachnun, and I bring my head down, I'm thinking about how messed up this congregation is. Every single time... I fall on my face and think about what I did wrong to get into this situation at this shul... He didn't slip on Korach. I don't think they tripped him. He couldn't take it. Did anybody help him up? No. They were on him... I fell. I was walking up to the Bima and I tripped on the step... You didn't help me!!! I fall on my face on Yom Kippur... That's for Aleynu. That's part of the prayer... I don't know how I deal with the Gabai. Yet, he hasn't been eaten by the earth. When you have no idea how to deal with something, you fall on your face in prayer... It's hard to deal with a congregation of heretics. I understand Moshe... The amount of heretics that show up on Yom Kippur... What caused him to fall?... Exalt? He exalted himself over them? You are going to blame Moshe for exalting himself? He didn't want the leadership... You think this position is exalted? Having to deal with Bernie… The accusations you people come up. I give sermons because that's my job. It is my Tafkeed. My task. What's your task?... As congregants, it's not to come over to me at Kiddish. You all want autonomy. You have a board, to make dumb decisions... The earth didn't swallow you up. But the ceiling is leaking. The board could do their job. The Korachs... You have independence… You’re in America. You hired me!!! Exalt myself over this? This is not exaltation... Yes. We need to lose weight as a congregation... I am here to help with your health... Spiritual and physical. I'm more of an exercise guru than a rabbi... Choolante is the way to get there. Choolante and Kichel... Last year, everybody walked to first base... You hit the ball and walked. You need to run... That's why we lost and people didn't show up to shul. Half of our congregation is too out of shape to make it... Shabbat morning services are now up to three hours, because it takes five minutes for you guys to get up to your Aliyah... You deserve the Aliyah, but you can't make it up there by yourself... You asked Mark to lift you up to the Bima, Bernie... They weren't good cooks... Men did cook back then. So they took their pans and they died... I wish it was that easy... I don't know when men stopped cooking... No. They baked in the Beit Hamikdash... (Bamidbar 16:11) Moshe goes on to tell Korach that his ego is getting in the way, and that he wants to be a Kohen too... It's because of his ego. he was already a Levi... He already gets to leave services during Musaf. What else does he need? It's ego. We've seen it in our congregation... You're a Yisrael, Mark. Moshe notes that being a Levi is not enough for them. They need it all. Like Sarah with the choolante. Can't share... I didn't say to eat it all. Share it... Moshe goes on to tell them that they are 'joining against God, and Aharon, what is he that you're protesting against him?' It's for you. Not for the people... What did Aharon do?... Exactly. He did his job. He did what he was asked to do. Every time somebody fulfills a duty here, you rag on them... It's your ego. It's because you make a bad choolante, Samantha... Cook it and share, and all will get along... When you use a frying pan to make choolante, bad things happen. When you do it against other people. When you raise yourself above everybody. When you get a huge hat, like Malka... God is not part of this shul's Aliyah choolante hat ego... Korach took God out of the decision making. He made it about ego... The softball league patheticness is the next level of not trying. Just like Korach wanted stuff given to him, you want the game given to you... Then run a little... That’s not independence. When a hat is in your face, it's intrupendence... Independence from your people? Korach already had independence. He wanted power. When you want power, that is when bad things happen, like a three hour Shabbat morning Shacharit service. Like a messed up awning and hats that are independent of style... Independence from your rabbi??? Is that what you want?... You wanted me as your rabbi and now you protest. Now you want to be the rabbi... Yes. Smicha is important... (Bamdibar 16:4) Moshe fell on his face. What else do you do when you have to deal with this?... I don't know. I am looking at the back left and I am asking myself... The dumb questions you have… Korach and his people would ask questions like that… Why am I in charge of services? I’m the rabbi. From now on, when I say something that makes sense, take it as H's word. Take it as Jewish law. No more hitting arms to say Shabbat Shalom… I know you think it’s friendly, Tim. However, we’ve been cited for abuse… No buddies. Your friendliness hurts people Did Korach use violence? I’m not sure. Phil’s friendliness does hurt though. Moshe fell on his face in prayer, due to sadness… Michael fell on his face due to kindness and love. You said hello and he re-ruptured his hernia... And Yes. We need a new awning. Why is that my task?... I just don’t know why “Rachel” doesn’t take care of that…. Don’t be like Korach. Or Bernie. Rivka’s Rundown Too many people have been walking out of shul with bruises, due to friendliness. They are thinking of shutting down our shul, as people love each other too much and are too affectionate. I have to tell Thelma she's got to calm down. She’s being friendly to me by hitting me. She thinks she's a dude. She even elbowed me. It's like she's practicing her Thai-boxing on me, when she wishes me a Good Shabbis. I have no idea how to take it. I did see one guy kindly knock out Baruch, as a friendly gesture of comradery. The rabbi is correct. Choolante is holy. At least the non-religious congregants don't appreciate it as much as the ones that are going to heaven. I've never seen a doily wearer eat choolante, or speak Yiddish. We had to do something about the awning. It’s ripped. The rabbi thought that something that is stands out to anybody who enters the shul, the board might fix it. Rachel ended up purchasing a neon pink awning. I don’t know if it's what the shul was going for. The rabbi ended up calling them heretics for thinking on their own and doing something. I believe he called them Korachs. Doilies must stop. We now have nothing nice to put in the wicker baskets for the Kichel. Some of the older women are taking their head-coverings out of the Kiddish wicker bowls. They're stuck putting napkins in it. Fran was sitting and Feivel mistakenly placed his bit Kichel on her head. They do all argue about the hats. The summer hats are bigger. They're just made out of straw. Huge hats. Many of our less religious congregants head to the horse races right after shul. I think they're dressed for that. The rabbi got everybody going with that Malka's hat being too big comment at the end of the sermon. It was like an old British mob with all the women her section pointing at her, saying, 'Yew. Yew.' The rabbi stopped the mob by acknowledging how ugly each of those women's hats was. It turns out that making fun of hats is very easy. You can even say 'look at that viser,' and people will laugh. It was a great lesson in Lashon Hara, and how to un-embarrass someone by embarrassing everybody else. Now, when we mock people, we mock everybody. The rabbi is really big on losing weight. He wants somebody to be able to run to first base this season. He feels that other shuls will start respecting our congregation if they can't throw us out that easily. They lose their personalities. They lose weight and they changed. Can't drink beer anymore. If you used to drink beer and now you can't, you've lost your personality. I lost an old friend to a diet a few years back. We couldn’t eat together anymore. And now she drinks Crystal Light. I’ve lost a lot of friends with this diet. This diet thing is annoying. It changes their personalities. When somebody can't join me for a piece of Danish, I can't talk to them anymore. And then I'm trying to talk to her, and she's like, 'Let's go for a walk.' What happened to talking over Danish? Shul day camp is little Simchas way of making money this summer. It’s not even at the shul. It’s a good teenage scam. He watches the kids in his backyard. No fence. He calls it the Open Shul Camp. It's like a school without walls, that has no walls. No adult supervision. It just so happens that if you put the shul's name on something, safety is not a priority. The July 4th fireworks were nice. Everybody in the shul kept talking about them being the most exciting thing they had ever seen, as there was a crescendo, and then another crescendo. The questions to the rabbi are annoying. It's too much for anybody. The problem is that the Jewish Family Services charges for counseling. I’ve heard dumb questions to the rabbi. I just heard his side of the call. ‘You can go to Krogers. They have an excellent dairy section.’ ‘The mortgage is fine.’ ‘Pay your dues. That’s a good idea.’ Everybody complains about the rabbi. Yet, none of them have said, 'We want your position.' That is where Korach went wrong. He had no idea how annoying our members can be. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Shelach6/24/2022
Announcements
Many congregants are trying to figure out what's right. What's right is for you not to talk. If you get a look with a head nod from side to side, that means stop talking. You're probably doing it without knowing. If there's no concert and swaying, shaking of a head is disappointment. When the rabbi looks at you, he's disappointed. To quote the Rabbi, 'If I'm looking at you and smiling, it's because I'm laughing at how bad I have it. I had no idea I was signing up for this.' No dropping off anything at shul anymore. The food pantry doesn’t appreciate your cans. The poor people said they don’t want the carrots and green beans. They hate the mix, like you do. To quote, ‘If you want to bring anything to the food pantry, it has to be good. We aren’t taking your trash. We eat green beans alone too. We're people. And we are offended by your children’s art, that you had to throw out of your home. It doesn't belong in the food pantry. It's not edible. Even the macaroni necklace is impossible to eat. We tried. We understand you want it out of the house. Nobody can pawn that non-talent. The food pantry is not a trash can.’ Charities are being chosen by the rabbi. Let us know which ones you want. To be clear, the Feldstein wedding isn't considered a charity, just because they want to save money on the cost of food. You still have to give a gift. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My herd... (Bamidbar 13:2) H' tells Moshe to send men 'for you' to scout out Israel. These are the spies we learn about... I don't think they would've chosen tribal leaders from this congregation... The youth group leader is good. She does a great job with the Modeh Ani prayer... It was for them... For Moshe. I don't know. It says 'for you'... Yes. H' told them to go. They wanted to do it. Like the time you wanted to go to the amusement park and Shmuel ended up intermarrying... I wasn't for the intermarriage. I said we should learn Torah. I always tell you that we should learn Torah. Every event. But you complain... We have classes... You wouldn't know, because you don't show up... I said yes to not have to listen to you... You guys love complaining about the rabbi. I let you check for a new one... You don't remember the two months I was left without a job?!... I didn't say 'don't pay me.' I just said, 'Do you what you want already. This is getting annoying.' When I tell you to do something, don’t do it. It just means you’re annoying… I am sick of hearing you complain... Yes. I sent you to pick up new tablecloths. But not those... I know I said that whatever you pick out will be good. That's not the point. You have to do what's right. Light blue is not the right color for tablecloths... It looks off, and stains... At least white looks good before it stains... Even if I tell you to do make decisions, you shouldn't make decisions. General rule. Never talk. If I tell you to talk, know it's a bad idea to share your ideas... You've messed up the board... Because the board makes decisions. Do you see the problem?... You should just be signing that we're a non-profit... I have to make it look like you're important. So you'll join the board... Judge by the look I give... Exactly. It's usually a look of disappointment. Now, finally a congregant who understands... You're supposed to talk. Not in shul... The problem is that you can't figure out anything... From now on, we're going to be as specific as possible... Exactly. I said it. You're annoying. I think that's specific... I said give charity, and all the sudden, you're giving to the Kids for Acting Foundation, supporting kids who want to be huge actors out in Hollywood... That's not a charity. That's an ego booster for the young and the wealthy... We said the food cupboard for charity... You're supposed to bring stuff for charity. I didn't know that charity to you means your trash... I saw your donations. Tomato paste??? How much tomato paste can somebody eat? There's no food. Just tomato paste... Going to spread the tomato paste on a can?! You should've thought to purchase pasta. Then you wouldn't have to donate tomato paste... Pasta and cheese with tomato paste is amazing... The problem is that you didn't give the pasta or the cheese. You gave it 'for you.' Rashi says, 'Why is the Parsha dealing with the spies connected with the section dealing with Miriam? Because she was punished over stuff dealing with speech, for speaking against her brother, and these wicked people (the spies) witnessed, but did not learn the moral lesson from it.' You guys never learn. That's the problem... You haven't learned from the disgusting art work of your children's paper mache... You learn from nothing I say. You space out… You don’t learn. I tell you to learn... That's why I stopped saying to do stuff. It's come to the point of working reverse psychology with everything I say... The kids don't learn. Even on the slide, your kids… She burned herself. Then he did the same thing… It’s a metal slide. We have a heatwave. And that’s the punishment… When you don't learn from the past, from what you saw, you are to blame... They should've trusted H'... How many times do I have to tell you to trust H'?... The problem is they talked... Did H' tell them to talk? No. Just look... Simmy and Frank are talking in the back of the shul again... You guys talk. Always bad. Messed up shul art, because you don't listen right... The still lifes... It's a shul Bernie. How about a still life of a Torah. How about we call the Torah covers art... We don't need a fountain... You exaggerate everything I say. If you're scared of big fruit clusters... So, they're not bite size. You get a little juice on you. You stain your shirt... No. You don't clean a white shirt you stained on Shabbis... Charities you can give to are the shul's building fund. The shul's extension project. The shul's teenage growth foundation. The shul's youth group for shul kids. The shul's new Sefer Torah project. She shul's dinner program. The shul's discretionary fund. The rabbi... You still owe me for two months... The shul amusement park trip... I didn't say to do it. But if you're doing it anyways... Shul dues. If you don't pay them, they're a charity... You do stuff that is right... How do you know? You don't talk. And that is why none of you live in Israel... Lashon Hara is keeping you out... Support the shul summer day camp run by twelve year olds… No idea who’s watching over them… Calev was right. Don't be scared of big fruit. And believe. Believe that you can do it. And stop asking me questions... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi looked at everybody. People felt like they did something wrong, when they shook his hand. So, the rabbi made an excellent point about tomato paste. That should've been in the announcement. The main lesson of 'don't share your thoughts' didn't really catch on, as the congregants kept asking questions, and complaining, throughout the sermon. They should've learned from the tablecloths. Bad idea. The other lesson of people being very annoying was taken in by everybody. The whole congregation shook their head, looked around and said, 'All of these people are annoying.' I don't believe they were thinking about themselves. I think they come to shul because everybody else is annoying. The other people are annoying. The rabbi realized that their going to do whatever they want anyways. The rabbi chose the Gabai, because the shul wanted it. He hates the Gabai. Come to think of it. Every answer the rabbi has given me was to shut me up. The problem is that the people never learn. We still see cans of tomato paste. The fact that people can't get basic stuff the rabbi tells them, and everytime they make a decision it's messed up, that's why we have the Gemara. Thousands of pages and hundreds of thousands of pages of commentary. Because people like Bernie don’t listen. And then you have Cindy on the board. When the rabbi noticed that nobody was giving money to the shul, he said they can give to these charities. The Golf Association. The Groomers Alliance. Shoppers Club Card. Rock Events Federation, which supports people who don't have enough money for tickets that are not in the balconies. The rabbi thought that because he called it charity they wouldn't give, and they would give to regular charities, for people who are in need. Instead, they bought tickets to events and concerts and skipped shul. Rabbi has chosen some new charities, which he hopes benefits our shul. Kids for Better Candy. He chose that because the kids were mad when there was no sugar powder candy at youth groups. Bingo being its own charity was supported by everybody. They gave money to Bingo, as its own fundraiser for itself. We just have to stop offending poor people. The summer garage sales are a spit in the face. Down the block, they even put the stuff out in trash bags, to show you that it's trash to them. You feel like a second class citizen buying the stuff. One family was selling a wicker chair. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Behalotcha6/17/2022
Announcements
If you want to blame anybody, it's the Gabai's fault. The shul fundraising dinner will be $80 for singles. $90 for couples. $98 for families with five children. If you have more than five children, the fundraising dinner is free for the family. We've tried to keep single people and divorcees away from the community, but we have decided that we will allow them to remain if they pay a lot. If anybody has an idea for a name for the shul fundraiser, other than 'shul fundraiser,' please write the office. We just ask that 'shul fundraiser' is part of the name, as nobody will give money if they're not directed to explicitly. We were thinking of calling it the 'give money to shul shul fundraiser.' New Rule: You have to say high to people. You're not allowed to pretend like you don't notice people in shul anymore. No looking away. Our congregation is too small for people to think they're important. From now on, only classy events. All shul Simchas must start in a room where you're not going to eat. It has been decided that telling people to move to another room is classy. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Flock... (Bamidbar 8:2) The Menorah was built from one solid piece of gold, hammered out (Ramban)... Can we get a decent contractor in this place. We've got a guy with chisels, drills, chainsaws... He does nothing. He just breaks stuff... He makes holes... He couldn't hammer a circle. The Menorah was hammered out... It's not clay. You can't mold it with your hands. It's not like the romantic scene in Ghost... Made from one piece. It's not eighty pieces put together... No reason for Chaim's artwork to be more than one piece. It's not like Chaim's drawing is the Statue of Liberty... He tore it up. That’s why it’s in sixty pieces… Why is it hanging in the shul hall? With a thumbtack?! It's in sixty pieces... It’s not art. It’s a child that had a tantrum… It's not supposed to be in pieces... It does represent the dividedness of our shul, where there is no unity... Because nobody wishes anybody a 'Good Shabbis.' They look at you and wish you an awful Shabbis... The look says it all... (Bamidbar 8:3) He kindled its lamps towards the face of the Menorah. The wicks of the branches on the side faced the middle. Again. Focused on unity. Oneness. Focus... Why do I constantly have to answer these questions? If you focused... Focus on the Torah reading for once... I don't know what you're talking about... I know you're louder than the Bal Koreh. The one reading the Torah ends up facing you... It's a stop talking look... The Menorah was connected. Pointed to the unified middle... Your head is turned and I am talking. You face the lectern when the rabbi talks... That's the unifying source. The Torah is read... Yes. You listen to it. You face it and listen to it. You don't talk and not say 'Good Shabbis'... From now on, we need symmetry... I'm not saying Aharon was an artist... He would've done better with paper mache than the Hebrew School kids. That paper mache sculpture thing is so off. Is it a shoe?... Than why is it in the entrance to the shul?... Abstracts don't count. My signature is an abstract... I write my signature poorly. Exactly. That's the point. It's not a piece of art hanging in the shul. The Menorah was beautiful and hammered out. A fine work... 'As H' commanded'... That's how Aharon lit it. It was a good work... Did H' command you to be single? No. That's bad work on the dating front... Alone. A sculpture all by itself. A poorly done piece that H' didn't command... Get married... That's why it looks good. God knows art better than Chaim... The Levites followed H's directions. That's why they don't have Jewish artifacts that look like shoe moldings... It’s a door stopper... Yes. Your kids are shameful, and there's a reason they didn't take over for the Bachurs. It was the way H' showed Moshe, that's how it was made (Bamidbar 8:4). If they followed directions, it might be art... Have you seen the Menorah by the Kotel? Beautiful... They would not put up Simcha's art. Or an abstract that looks like a messed up foot... The problem is that people think they're important. There is no room for creativity when you're commanded to do stuff the right way... The wood slab and nut Chanukiah is not cool... Even single people don't use it... (Bamidbar 8:16) 'For they are given over to Me from among the children of Israel, instead of those that open the womb, the firstborn...' The Levites took the place of the Bachors, the firstborns... They messed up. The Bachors messed up like Chaim… We don’t hang up everything the Bachors do, because they messed up. Why are we hanging up all of this art work?... The same way the Bachors were substituted out, we must substitute out all the messed up artwork in the shul... We need to find congregants that take the place of the members... Kids need to listen in Hebrew school before their place in shul is lost. They're going to lose their place if they don't listen... Their art wouldn't be this messed up if they followed directions. If they followed instructions, they wouldn't be making self-portraits that look like... Does this look like Sima?... Yes. This thing in my hand... Well. It says her name on it. This is her self-portrait she drew in art class... I know, it looks like a cat... We will substitute them... A substitute wouldn't help this work... They are holy to Me. We need people that are holy to this congregation... You've messed up like Bachors... You even get mad when new people join. Like you can't get enough attention... You're worried your spot will be taken, because you don't listen to the Mitzvot... The Mitzvot of decent art. And you don't do your part... The Ner Tamid, continual light, is neon... They didn't use neon in the Temple, Bernie. Real art comes from oneness. Connectedness... Single people aren't connected... Even single people wouldn't make a wood slab and nut Chanukiah. It looks pathetic... The concept of art is off in this shul... You're not cool, because you're a Bachor. Even if single people wouldn't take your place... It's because they're single. Connectedness through Torah. Torah in the middle. The Levites were connected to God, to the people. They followed directions... How can you be connected if you don't say Hi? If you don't listen to your rabbi... I am standing right here. In the middle.... We need to connect through something. The sisterhood can't even agree on which Danish is the best. Raising the Levites is what we do. If we can raise funds... Raising money for gifts. Gifts are not a charity. If you would give something to the shul's building fund... We're not hanging Rachel's pinata outside the shul... Whatever the paper mache thing is. It looks like a mold. Stop giving the shul stuff you don't want. It's not art... The building fund is to keep the building in tact, heat and to keep up the tent over my parking spot... No more gifts. Only donations of money. No artwork. Unless if God commands it... If you don’t want it in your home. We don’t want it. Did God ever say to give Him your trash?... That was gold and silver. Find jewelry... It's not art. Don’t throw it on the shul. If you got ripped off on a print, keep it... I understand that you were supporting a young artist in Tzfat... If you just smiled and were kind, that would bring unity and focus... They don't want to be with you. Your Bachorness... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi has went back to referring to us as sheep and cattle. It's amazing how our rabbi always finds a way to ask for money. That's what makes him great. That and his ability to make everything holy. Only our rabbi can bring Patrick Swayze into a sermon. In the end, people gave nothing. They said that if they can't drop off their kids' artwork, it's not worth it. For the building fund, the shul hosted a garage sale for all the trash the members dropped at the door. The rabbi couldn't stop people from dropping off their kids' memories, and they were scared their children would see it in the garbage. The Bachor and Levi point was beautiful. The rabbi's member exchange for people that don't come to shul. was passed by the board. The idea of members paying and other people coming instead of them is appreciated by all. The board members stopped showing up all together. The shul art is off. The rabbi didn't mention the ark cover this time. There is so much wrong with the pieces up in our shul. We have to stop taking donations. Until they understand that donations can only be money, no more donations. The paper mache was a donation from a parent trying to get their kid's art out of the house. It's embarrassing. Chaim's mom didn't want the family name on the piece, but her son felt so good seeing it in shul. Now the name is on the piece and the family is embarrassed. Rightfully. They tried getting rid of the artwork, but nobody wanted it. I think the problem started when we opened the shul food pantry. People thought they could start dropping off anything they don't want. I had no idea people were so against sardines. Why they buy them is still a question. Many poor people are not happy receiving the artwork of third and fourth graders. What’s on the pieces at the shul? Nothing Jewish. A picture from Italy. No Jerusalem stuff. Most of the art is a child's profile. I think they make them draw that in school, and the parents don't want to hang it in the home. Very untalented children. I can't imagine that the teacher told every child to draw abstracts. We had a class on the different looks. The head nod from side to side is disappointment. That's the only head nod the rabbi gives. I don't know how the class was confusing. You never shake from side to side with a smile. It's always with closed lips of rage. The rabbi had to explain that the down and up head nod is a greeting. Yet, the up and then down can be disappointment. Single people have to pay a lot more for everything. We try to keep them out, but they pay. Now, that they pay, we give them awkward looks and try to not sit with them. The problem is that the shul dinner organizers sit them at tables. The addendum to the you have to say hi to people rule, is that you don't have to say anything to them, if they're single or divorced. Giving them head nods from side to side is encouraged. The people in our congregation don't greet each other. I feel like its turned into a Minyin they're trying to keep people out of. They're trying to keep the numbers under 10. A conversation of important and cool was had. It was decided at by the board that you can't be important or cool in our congregation, due to the numbers of people who care. The rabbi blamed it all on the Gabai. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Naso6/10/2022
Announcements
There's leftover cheesecake from Shavuot. You can take some home, as everyone over-purchased. Cheesecake is very expensive. You can take it and feel like you did the right thing. We're trying to bring holiday happiness, and nothing brings more Simcha to our members than a deal. Next year, we suggest to not purchase more than eight cakes for a family of three. Softball team tryouts will be on Sunday. You have to make it to the list to sign up. If you do that, you're on the team. If you can't walk to the field, you can't be on the team. We need people that can walk this year. If there is rain, you should still come to shul. Davening does not get rained out. There are no rain delays for Mincha. Many men are angry they've been getting Galilah, and not Hagba. There is a reason why you're rolling the Torah and not lifting it. The role of lifting the Torah takes strength. To quote the Gabai, 'Work out. You're scrawny.' Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Drove... Levites are important too... I know they sit in the back and talk. They counted the Leviim... They did work back then, for the Temple... That is correct. They served the community. The Levites in our shul don't help. They haven't helped for years. They didn't even slice the cheesecake for the Shavuot Kiddish... No reason to give any tithes to them... Sam. You haven't done one Levite duty. Opening a juice factory is not a Levite duty. It's a business... You want the business and the tithe... Showing up to shul and helping roll the Torah. That’s a duty... Have you ever rolled a Torah to the right Parsha... You can't even find Bereishit... They're weak... Most of the congregation is out of shape. That's why we also lose the softball league every year. It's for out of shape people and we lose. We're more out of shape than out of shape people... Leviim can't even walk up for an Aliyah. They can't make it around the bases... Would they have been able to take apart the curtains of the Tabernacle and hauled them through the desert??? Sam. Stop. You hire farmers to help... Well your last name is Levi. And you get mad at the Gabai for not calling you up ot the Torah. Chutzpah... He can't call you up for Hagba. You're too out of shape... Maybe two columns. It’s pathetic... The Levites have families. Gershon, Kehat and Merari. I don't think one full family has shown up to shul in... Sam. You're not part of any of them... Make up your mind... It's not about benefits... Lineage back to Levi is good enough... All impure people are sent out of the camp... It's not a summer camp. They didn't have tennis and boating... The kids are disgusting. Dirty as anything. And then... It was a desert!!! They had arts and crafts. They had shop. They built the Tabernacle... That was the activity. (Bamidbar 5:1-3) 'And H' spoke... Command the children of Israel and send from the camp all those who have Tzaraas... contaminated by a human corpse... expel them, so they should not contaminate their camps that I live within...' We would never get a Minyin. This whole congregation is impure. You can't roll the Torah if you have Tzaraas... It's dirt. Might be Tzaraas. The kids at camp are just filthy. They have rest time. They have letter time. No shower time... If they do, they have to enforce it... We need the bad athletes off the softball team... Even if they're counted onto the team. Expel them to the stands... We don't need the 'spirit, yes we do'... This impurity is killing our shul's reputation... Impure people can’t join the community. Weak people can’t lift the Torah or join the softball team. Levites in our shul can’t do anything… No ability… Look at the Parsha. You had tasks… Now that we know Sam isn't a Levite… Thought services were rained out??? The rain excuse again?! Weakness is what that is. If you can't show up to Minyin because of rain... Then clean your hair before putting on Tefillin... Rain deosn't contaminate. Mikvahs are built with... No rain delays in shul. Think of it as a domed stadium. The Anshei Emes USefilah Dome, with non-athletic people... The softball league also doesn’t have rain delays… It’s not hardball. The most exciting thing in the game is if somebody slips... You were hoping for rain delays, because you’re lazy and weak… And you’re a very impure congregation… The Chazin davening is enough of a delay. The way he leads services has us staying for an extra half hour. His rendition of the Amidah is a delay... Sam. You don't work when it's sunny out. I've you heard you call off work due to sun delays... The Halacha is that you shouldn't run into a shul as shelter from the rain... It's disrespectful, like you talking now. Bernie. That's why it's a law... If there is nowhere else to find shelter. If you can't find a tree... So, you get wet. You came in and for a minute... You left when the rain stopped... If you're coming in to get out of the rain, you have to pretend like you came to shul, and join the Minyin... Tons of members don't have decent air-conditioning. That's why we get a Minyin when it's very hot... It's Halachikaly wrong if you don't stay for Minyin... But the new central air is amazing. Trust me. Check out Sadie's seat... Shul doesn’t have rain delays or Levis who work as Levis... It would be nice if people showed up next Shavuot... You stay up all night when it's not Shavuot... Rivka’s Rundown They slept right through Shavuot learning. The congregants couldn't even stay up for the all night learning till 1am. Finding out Sam Levi is not a Levite was a bit of a shocker to all of us. That's confusing. The weird thing is that he always leaves the shul for Musaf on holidays. Now we know he doesn't go out to wash the Kohens' hands. He's just taking breaks. Who's been washing the Kohen's hands all these years? The rabbi is correct. We're an out of shape shul. Most of the Leviim can't even walk up to get their Aliyah. Now, we don't even know if there are any real Levis in the shul, or people who just sneak out and steal Aliyahs. The rabbi started a shul gym class. The problem is that most of the members are contaminated and they were all sent out of the class. Rained out??? That's how you know people are weak. If you can't walk in the rain. I think some of the members are embarrassed. They think their reputation in town will get hurt if they're seen walking in the rain. The board mentioned that people walking in the rain look homeless. Which is how we came up with surrogate members. This way other people show in your stead and nobody is embarrassed. The problem is that we needed Jews. A lot of congregants do take advantage of the shul. Some have tried to shower in the sinks. When we had a drought, they were all in shul. They think of the shul more like a foodbank. The whole prayer and learning thing hasn’t caught on in our community yet. Maybe in another fifteen or so years. The rabbi is trying. He even told everybody to learn the thirteenth chapter in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. It’s less than a page. I don’t even think our membership can translate the name of the book. The Gabai blamed for everything. All I we ever here at Kiddish is the men talking about 'why Galila?' I even told some of them, 'You haven't hit the gym. You're scrawny as anything.' I told them they should join our crossfit class. The men are so lazy and weak. They can't them Hagba. The rabbi instituted the Chabad style Hagba recently, where you do the rolling on the table, due to lack of strength. Why the Gabai used the word ‘scrawny’ was a bit much. He sounded like a bully from the ‘70s. At the time it was a bit much, but once I used it, I thought it fit Tzivi's body type. We haven't been getting a lot of people at shul recently. Some still use COVID as an excuse. Tons of people showed for Yizkur. The memorial stuff draws a lot of people. The rabbi wants to start having more Yizkur services. He mentioned having one every Shabbat, so we can be sure to get a Minyin. A lot of people showed. I haven't seen some of them in a really long time. I thought they were dead. It's good I didn't call Fran's kids to extend my condolences. There were around 80 wheelchairs. To draw more people the board is trying to figure out if we should get rid of seats, for the wheelchair space. The buses in town do it. Yizkur appeal cards were handed out. The rabbi gave a big speech. He really performs when it comes to dead people. He knows how to get people to flip over the $1,800 donation. The pre-Yizkur appeal speech had them with the idea of getting their relatives out of hell for $1,800. I think the fundraising committee is going to start using that around Yahrzeit times too. We just have to let the congregants know that it's not a one-time fee. Hel can sneak up at anytime there's Yizkur or a Yahrzeit. It's good we don't do the census stuff anymore. It would be pathetic to count three heads. I like when the announcements have suggestions, like not to over-purchase cheesecake. It goes bad. Babkas can last years. Cheesecakes will go bad, even in the fridge. You can freeze them, but then you have to wait a week to eat it. Next week, they should make a suggestion for people to wear raincoats when it's raining. They should also put in a note of no umbrellas. The people using umbrellas look so not religious, sinning on Shabbat. Tags:
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Others were to be blessed by Yakov and non-central flowing water. H' told him, 'By you and your offspring.'
You get it? Offspring. His children are offspring. Ot it's a spring somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Off the path. Spring off. Offspring. It might be a spring in the bed mattress that isn't doing it's job. A spring that is off. 
That's how the real Kotel Yarmulkes are made. Jewish origami. We origami with staple, because it makes sense. The same way we make our Sukkah decorations... I miss those Kippahs, they worked great for holding nachos too.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
11/30/2022
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