Announcements
Tikun Layl Shavuot was an excellent evening. A couple of people learned. But the conversations and cheesecake truly brought the community together. We want to thank the Simchovitz family for sponsoring the cocktails. We will try to keep learning down to a minimum next year, as we noticed Torah disturbs conversation. The rabbi’s class was great. Next year, we ask community members don’t take over the Shiur. We know you have thoughts on Tzedakah, and you don’t like to give it. Even so, the rabbi prepared sources charity. Note: Sources does not mean you have to give. It turns out kids in our shul don’t have parents. If for some reason you have a kid in shul running around and disturbing everybody, please claim the child. Little kids screaming Birkat Kohanim doesn’t add to the blessing. Cuteness doesn’t bring Bracha. And with that, we do wish a Mazel Tov to the Trumpelman family on the birth of their daughter. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Parent Like Our Congregants- Reasons for Bringing Kids to Shul to Bother Everybody. How Cheesecake Made Me Want to Be Jewish. The Importance of Talking During Torah Reading To Get People To Shul. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why am I bringing up Sotah??? The way some of the people in this shul dress, I would not be surprised... I did not say women. I said “people.” The men in this shul don’t wear suits. What do you think they’re doing on Shabbis? Golfing??? Golfing with whom... (Bamidbar 5:15) The sacrifice brought by the husband of the accused Sotah is without oil or frankincense “because it is a meal-offering of jealousies, a meal-offering of remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Jealousy and sin do not taste good. Especially without frankincense... Have you ever eaten at the Bergstein's? No frankincense. I don’t even think they use salt. A lot of jealousy leads to bad cooking... Why is it your second marriage? Your spouse could make a decent choolante. Exactly... Your jealous of Mrs. Finehart's choolante with all the accoutrements. The kishka, short ribs. She even puts in eggs. Sin does not taste good, Pinchas. We know you've tasted sin. We saw you at Shelly's Delicacies the other day. How much chocolate did you take down?... Sinner. "Jealousies... A remembrance, a reminder of sin.” Sin leads to jealousy. Or jealousy leads to sin... Or jealousy is a sin. Or people are jealous of people who sin. Or jealousy doesn't have frankincense in it. I don't know which one it is. I don’t think we need any more reminders of sin in this shul. With the way the renovations are going, there has been enough sin. Now everybody is jealous of Beis Knesses Beit Bitul. And that's a shack... The women's section talk is not jealousy. How can we not speak Lashon Hara about Freida and her new doily?... The whole thing about the stomach distending and thighs. Nothing to do with heavy people cheating on their spouses... I get acid reflux all the time and all I've ever done is went out bowling with my buddies... My buddies from Yeshiva. And all of that jealousy and sin leads to a bad reputation. No matter if she is innocent or not (Bamidbar 5:31) “that woman shall bear her iniquity.” She wears it on her sleeve. We all see it. She passes and everybody mocking her, "That's the innocent woman." Just like we see that doily. You can't take something out of a breadbasket and not get a reputation... Sforno teaches that she secluded herself with the suspected adulterer. You put yourself in a bad situation and you get a reputation, like the renovation committee who now has a reputation for doing nothing and being useless. You have the reputation of being a committee... I've put myself in this shul. My fault. I bear that iniquity of being around heretics... This is what caused the jealousy and the public humiliation of the woman. It is the stain. The reputation. And reputations stay. Our congregants have a reputation for dressing quite poorly... If you dressed LKavod Shabbis, nobody would accuse you of not keeping Shabbis. If you looked decent, nobody would accuse you of being single, Nachum. Actions that deem sin are a problem. They cause true sin and jealousy. No matter what, they leave a reputation. It's the Sotah’s actions of being alone with a man that is not her husband that has a snowball effect... Ever mad a snowman?! Make a snowman and you'll understand the metaphors. There is a lot of iniquity in this shul. Public humiliation. Jealousy and bad tasting food. You have a reputation for bad tasting food and talking a lot... To lose that reputation, get a new crockpot and add some decent meat. More fatty meat. You have to stop talking. Or you will never learn Torah... I don't care what the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee said. Learn something... I've been talking about the Sotah. Not soda. Though, fizz can distend your belly. Point is the rabbi is talking and he doesn't care if he's disturbing your conversation... Because it's a sermon, Bernie. You don't show up to a speech to talk. At sermons the rabbi talks... That rabbi is not the shul rabbi. He has a reputation for being a Mashgiach. He can't be trusted with people... Well. He bears the iniquity of his job. He should be respected, but that's the reputation the community gives him... Then you shouldn't have fired Rabbi Dan from teaching at the Cheder. Then again, he shouldn't have been around kids alone. Always a bad decision... Do you not want to hurt them too?!... This is why I got rid of the QandAs. You all like to talk. You don't ask questions. You just talk... It's the Tikkun. I think we have to fix the night of Shavuot in this shul. We have to fix this congregation and that doily on Freida's head. It's falling off now... Because it's a flat piece of paper. Talking is not learning. Talking about where Benjamin purchased his suit is not Torah conversation. If it was a Shabbat suit... Edward. You took over the class, and you have nothing to teach. No Torah... The only source about Tzedakah that you have is your shul bill and dues you haven’t paid... You just started talking. You couldn't find anybody to have a conversation with. So, you decided to "ask a question" and have a conversation with the whole Shiur... You have a reputation for drinking a lot. You drank so much, you wouldn't remember if there was Torah. I prepared. I had sources... You prepared your conversation about how you like whipped cream on your cheesecake... Add frankincense to that cheesecake and that is a Torah conversation. We have to be strong, to remember what jealousy does. We have to not be jealous. Because that is where the sin comes from... There is no reason to let anything cause jealousy... The guy should've divorced his wife if he has to accuse her... Again. Look at the men in this shul. Any chance??? Any woman sitting at a meeting with a man from this shul, you can't accuse anybody. So not good looking. And ugly suits... A reputation for not good-looking men. Mazel Tov to the Trumpelmans on the birth of a daughter... How did the birth come so fast... You must parent your newborn, or you will get a reputation of being an absentee parent. Otherwise known as parents in this shul... Well, you don't watch over them... Nobody cares if your child is cute. The cuteness is annoying. Parent. A kid makes noise. It's the parents’ fault... We will support you all in your parenting. Do not be afraid to parent. The Trumpelmans should know that we have their backs. You give your child a little smack, we will support you... We need to support our parents. Kids make noise and their take their kid, carry them out of shul, we must applaud. They smack them, we must cheer. Parents need our support... And give your kids candy. Healthy child rearing does not help with a child’s love for Yiddishkeit. Children only love Yiddishkeit when their religion involves sour sticks... We have a reputation for parents not helping out. And that has stained our shul. And it has brought about sin and jealousy of the kids in the other shuls who get as much candy as they want... We tried giving the kids soda, to see who their parents might be. Didn't work. Turns out, they now just have distended stomachs. And they're still running around the shul without parents... We are going to report the lone children to child services... Then parent!!!! If it's your thing, parent!!! Do you want anybody else's kids in this shul? Look around. You don't want that?! No reason to be jealous... Jealousy is a sin too. It makes no difference who is jealous. And it reminds us of sin. And then somebody gets a bad reputation. Don't eat at the Bergstein's... In the end, all you have is humiliation. The bearing of iniquity. Does anybody want that?... I am not jealous of the board. They are just a bunch of sinners... Nobody in this shul should be jealous. Look around. There is nothing to be jealous of... Bernie was happy when his wife left. He couldn't understand why Herman went for Ethel. He was shocked and bothered that Herman would be attracted to that. To quote Bernie, "Maybe if she used some frankincense." Judging the reputation is the iniquity. That is what the community bears. And it all stems from jealousy. Jealousy that Rabbi Dan was a good rabbi. The Sotah must bear her iniquity. I say bear it. Bear your iniquity. Be a reminder to the people that they are jealous, that they are judging. And that you brought jealousy. And stop doing dumb stuff... I want to commend our congregants for giving nobody something to be jealous of. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's sermons are always educational. I now know so much more about frankincense. And he did a great job of letting us know to not be jealous, because the shul is full of losers. The message of reputation was so true. Rabbi Dan is a Mashgiach now, because they won't let him around people anymore. Mashgiach work is where the place the rabbis they don't trust with people. The men in the shul do not dress with sports jackets anymore. Just pants and short-sleeve shirts. They are definitely sinning. And their wives are jealous, because they have to wear a hat to shul, and they're shvitzing. The shul renovations started, but they haven't moved at all. Now the shul has a reputation of getting nothing done. Truth is, I have never seen a committee get anything done. They did kick us out of the shul two months ago though. So, now we're praying in the Kiddish room, around the Rugulach. It's a Rugulach vigil on the Bima. Due to the Tikun Layl Shavuot committee's decision to keep Torah from disturbing conversation, the shul has decided that the Baal Koreh must keep the Torah reading at a minimum. We have since lost three Baal Korehs who read the Torah "too loud." They Torah readers have been deemed conversation interrupters. And there is no room for that in shul. People come to shul to talk. For good conversation. At the rabbi’s Shavuot class everybody took over and started giving their speeches. They thought the rabbi’s class was a QandA. They are supposed to ask questions at those. Our congregants skip the question part at the QandAs. They take the mic and give their speeches. Sadie once got on the microphone and said, "Now it's my time to talk." The guest speaker asked her why they were brought in for a speech on medical ethics. Sadie let them know, "So that I could share what I think about sanitizer." Sadie is very big into sanitizing her hands. She then went and got the sanitizing bottle and wiped down the mic stand. It was a twenty-minute ordeal. The rabbi was talking about taking money from heretics. The rabbi was talking about the members of our shul. He always speaks to his audience. The members thought he was talking about other people and started sharing their thoughts on charity from Apikorsim and felons. The Jewish Federation director was apparently fine taking all the money. The board felt it was important to note that sources and learning about charity does not mean you have to give it. They were worried they would lose members if anybody thought they had to give Tzedakah. To quote Rachel at the meeting, "Having to do Mitzvahs is what keeps people away from wanting to be Jewish. We have to change that." Nonetheless, all congregants agree that a few people should give money to the shul for renovations. Just not them. They all agree the shul needs money coming from somebody else. The rabbi got everybody on his side when he said that a three-year-old should not be on the streets alone. "There must be a parent who doesn't care about their child's well-being, or that hates Minyin and Gd." Parents finally started taking their kids out of shul and yelling at them. The congregation stood up for Yankel who potched his kid. The whole place stood up and said “Amen.” It was like Kaddish. Forcing new bottles of Coke on the kids and distending their stomachs did not bring out the truth about why they run around the shul. But it did bring out the truth about whose parents don't let their kids enjoy sweets. And those parents were kicked out of the shul for ruining Yiddishkeit. The candy started pouring in the shul. Though, it was learned to only give it at the end of the Davening, or the kids will misbehave again. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. Once you don't need more candy, you can bother people in shul. The Trumpelman's baby is ugly. Now everybody is asking questions about how Mrs. Trumpelman gave birth to the girl. Next time, during the Parsha about the Sota, the rabbi should keep out the Mazel Tovs. It begs too many questions. And in our community, that leads to iniquity. A lot of discussion about heavy people cheating on their spouses arose, due to the overweight people's distended stomachs. In the Sotah committee meeting, it came out that heavy people generally are more trustworthy. Sotah accusations were dismissed, yet the reputation stood. People said they were still heavy. Tags:
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The board would like to apologize for not mentioning Memorial Day last week. To Quote: “We take the blame for you missing out on sales. We still thank those who sacrificed of themselves for us, even if we missed out on the deal at Marshalls.” Yom Yerushalayim was this past week. We want to apologize for missing that too. Again. The shul decided, after a committee meeting, the office should have a Jewish calendar. Till now, the shul has been working off the Gregorian Calendar given out by Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. It turns out Tony does not celebrate Yom Yerushalayim. We are going to make sure we get the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar. Shavuot is this Sunday evening. You may want to learn something. The shul has all night learning. The rabbi won’t be there, so don’t worry about anybody answering your questions. Contemporary Halacha Class: Appreciation For Those Who Gave Their Lives For America and Retail. How to Get Nobody to Show Up to A Holiday or Event By Not Letting Them Know About it Till Afterwards. How To Learn Torah - Something Our Congregants Don't Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 3:5-9) H’ tells Moshe to bring the Levites “and stand the tribe before Aharon the Kohen and they shall serve him.” The Levites serve Aharon. There is blessing in serving. If the reason is for Gd, it's a blessing. Serving on the board and the renovation committee... Where in the Torah does it say "The Levites should do renovations in Topeka?"... It's not a trivia question, Bethany. There is no commandment. The point is serving this congregation is not likes serving the Kohens... The Kohens are serving Gd. The board is serving Bernie's needs for heat in June. The guy always feels a draft. “...They are given to him from the children of Israel.” The Levis are in service of Aharon and the Kohens. It sounds so demeaning. And that is true, when the job is not done for Gd. Like the office who seems to think the Kohens worked according to the Gregorian Calendar... We are not Gregorian, Samantha. We are Jewish. When it’s a commandment, when it’s a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod. An honor... The way your hedges look, Nachum, it's not a Mitzvah. It's a sin. It’s demeaning to the trees. Do a decent job and don’t worship idols and it won’t be demeaning. You’re embarrassing the shrubs... Because you don’t take pride in your work, Nachum... Serving this shul board is not a Mitzvah... Serving the congregation is questionable. There’s no commandment to show up to Sheindel’s daughter’s fourth birthday part... Great girl Sheindel. I just don’t know why you had to bring a rabbi. You could’ve hired a clown... It’s an honor for the Levites to serve. To carry the Tabernacle. It's not an honor to join a four-year-old birthday party and to have to do renovations on a bookcase... Why you even call it renovations. It's sticking shelves on pegs. The IKEA catalogue shows you how to do it. I do not believe the IKEA instructions insist on a committee... Because it would never get built that way. And then IKEA would get more complaints about their poor directions.... You think the instructions on the Tabernacle were easy??? If you think IKEA is hard... It’s an honor to serve. Appreciate Aharon. Don’t be a Korach. A bunch of Korachs here... (Bamdibar 3:11) “I have taken the Levite from among the children of Israel, in place of every firstborn...” The firstborns that are Gds, don’t get the right to serve Aharon... You lose that honor when you worship golden calves. When you mess up all night learning, like the board. When you mess up a bookcase... The board is a like a golden calf... Having meetings. And the head of the board is a Bachur. A firstborn. And you wonder why it’s messed up. Get a Levite to serve as the head of the board, and they’ll help out... Because Levites are helpers and firstborns are bullies... Do your job and be happy you’re working for somebody. It’s an honor. When the job is well done, unlike the board and Nachum’s yard, you take pride in it. It’s Min HaShamayim. From Gd. Appreciate the Levites. And Levites, appreciate the Kohens. And get rid of the board. And everybody appreciate Gd... We must appreciate Gd. When doing Mitzvot for Gd, there is reward. Not destruction, like in the shul's office. If our secretary did his job right, it would be a Mitzvah. We would hear about the holidays on time... It's not our job to get a calendar. It's the office's job. Everything late. You don’t serve on time. The Levites didn't erect the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, a day late, because they were using the Gregorian Calendar. Does our office even use a calendar?... Definitely not a calendar with Jewish holidays. It's like a golden calf calendar... The only thing you don't forget is the sales. You could think about those who gave their lives for our country on Memorial Day. Those who served our country... Our country serves Gd. It's a "nation under Gd." And we missed Yom Yerushalayim. We missed Yom Yerushalayim last week, because nobody takes pride in their job. The Levites took pride in their work. This is why I am taking the 6th graders to serve this congregation instead of the board... The board is like a bunch of firstborns. We still did Hallel... Because it’s a holiday. Even if it’s not in our shul announcements it’s a holiday... The announcements left out the Morwitz wedding. They still got married... That was a different reason. If they had money, the calendar would’ve mentioned it... You’re not wealthy enough for the shul to mention your Simchas. If Marshalls would’ve given a discount to Chani on shoes, she would’ve made sure to have it in the announcements... Shavuot is this week. Is that in the announcements? Just remember. It's this Sunday night. Tomorrow night... A calendar in the office would help with announcing stuff that is on the calendar!!! We all have ways of serving. We may work for others in service of H'. One way to serve is to learn Torah. Maybe learn a little Torah. Just an idea... It’s Shavuot. You messed up Pesach. You didn't even know what Chametz you should burn. And then you end up burning your home... It looked like idol worship. It looked like a sacrifice... When you don't learn how to do stuff for H' it looks like a golden calf... You messed up Sukkot. Most messed up Sukkah building. I have no idea whose cubit you were using. It must have been Yankel's cubit. Shortest cubit I have ever seen. Build with a Shlomo cubit next time... So, there's enough room to sit in the Sukkah and serve H'... In the times of the holidays, we all serve. We all have to serve Gd. Even the members of this congregation... H' would rather Levites. But we have not found a way to replace the shul membership. The Baha'i community would have to convert to Judaism first. We are just asking to serve H' right. With food... Then don’t mess up the blintzes this year... You can show up to the all-night learning... Learn for part of it... Learn to be a good Jew. Just learn something. There will be cheesecake at all night learning... They should’ve announced cheesecake. If they announced pastries, people would come and maybe learn by accident. Announcing all night learning is a way of trying to get people not to come. I am announcing now that there will be cake and lasagna. Come to all night learning to eat... Better announcements is what this shul needs. A calendar. A Jewish calendar. More food on it. Maybe get the Hadassah Cookbook Calendar... Maybe announce events on time... I shall not be at learning. I will teach my class and leave... Why should I show up to learning? None of you come... You’re like Bachurs. You expect to be Gd’s favorites because you do nothing... You actually are firstborns. Now I understand. You get the bigger Yerusha... That's why you put no work into it. You're getting the big inheritance. If you can see what you do as a Mitzvah, it’s a Kavod to serve under somebody else. You want to do the work. It's not about money... As a rabbi, I deserve money. When you're as close to H' as I am, you get paid... Your job can be a Mitzvah, if it’s not what Bracha Mindel does... Working for the Town Council and bringing up people’s home taxes is not a Mitzvah. Serve the congregation correctly, otherwise we’ll have to get the 6th graders or the Levites to serve on the Town Council... You would never be a Levite. You have no idea how to wash hands right. I've seen you head out of the bathroom... It's not the soap. It's that you don't get the whole hand. You have to get the whole hand. Up to the wrist. It all starts with a calendar. Action begins with a calendar. You wash hands at the right time... Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop does not provide the times that we need to get things done right as Jews... Including the renovation of a bookcase. Do you appreciate your rabbi. The job. The job that he gives Kavod to. The job he is doing for H’. The job where he sits at home and learns... That’s why I am late to meetings. Exactly. I am learning Brian!!! Rivka's Rundown The Levite members didn’t want to serve the congregation. They said it’s hard enough having to wash the Kohens’ hands. The rabbi is very adamant about how a Kohen's hands must be cleaned. You have to get it up to the wrist. The rabbi suggested to the congregants that since he is serving H', he should be bathed. Once the president heard that was his job, he quit. The firstborns also passed. Even the Levites refused. After much Halachik discourse, the rabbi gave a Responsa (Tshuva) saying that he can bathe himself when circumstances do not allow for others to do so. And thus, he may come to shul clean. "Though, the shul should give him a raise for his service," to quote the end of the Responsa. The rabbi does not have learning in his contract. He went off on this idea that he has a contract with H’. His job according to H’ is to pass over Torah and to learn it. The board said his job is to ensure that the awning in the back of the shul gets put up correctly. That argument went on for a while. It turns out the rabbi is not a Levite. So, he does not feel he has to take care of the shul’s building. The rabbi did also not enjoy the birthday party of Sheindel’s daughter. Nobody knows her name. They should’ve had a baby naming. The rabbi said he had more fun at the Bris the other day, due to the assortment of sesame bagels. To quote: “Get an ice cream cake next time. Carvel is right down the block. Apikorsim.” And I agree. Only a heretic would serve carrot cake at a four-year-old’s birthday party. How they mess up every announcement. Dates are always missed. Always late. Does the one making the shul’s calendar not have a calendar??? The rabbi answered that. I love Tony Patelo’s Bike Shop. Great deals on bikes. Especially on Memorial Day. Yet, Tony's Easter Holiday Month Focus of April did not help our shul's holiday planning. Now, the shul is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a Jewish calendar. Free at the funeral home, the shul figures it can raise a good six-thousand-dollars off it. The idea is to put a name on the Kevers R Us Funeral Home Calendar Cover. The board discussed it and they said that for sake of good omen, it should be the name of a family member who passed. Not many people showed up to the Morwitz wedding. It wasn't in the announcements. The shul did insist on donations from the Morwitz family. It was a controversial situation. It turns out they didn't give enough. They needed to add on fifty dollars to the two-thousand they had donated. After the whole ordeal, being that people donated money to the shul in honor of the wedding, the fifty-dollars was met. They made the announcement about the wedding three months after it happened. For Simchas to be mentioned, you have to have money. The soldiers from Memorial Day did not sponsor a Kiddish, so they were forgotten. To give credit to the shul office, they would've been in the bulletin if they donated money. The rabbi gave a beautiful class and commemoration for those who gave their lives for America and retail. The rabbi suggested we commemorate the Jews that sacrificed themselves for our country by shopping at the clearance rack. It was meant to give credit to those who sacrificed for our country so we wouldn't have to overpay, which the rabbi called "freedom." He served tea to bring home the point, saying, "Iced tea is what America is founded for." The board thought more people would show up to all night learning if they heard the rabbi wouldn't be there. The congregants are sick of the rabbi using Halacha to answer their questions about being Jewish. They like the idea of a more holistic approach to Halacha, where you derive the laws from your feelings and Rakhi massage. Last year, people heard there was going to be learning. Nobody showed. Worst idea for drawing people. Got to have a different draw. All night cheesecake All night talking and hanging out. No rabbi. That's what draws people to shul. The people in our shul never learn anything. Shavuot has been an annual day of mourning. Having to learn Torah is so painful for them. Hence, being that there was a buffet at this year's all-night learning, people celebrated Shavuot, by coming together, eating, smiling and not learning. I get the feeling that the people in our shul would've taken to the golden calf thing if a smorgasbord was part of it. The rabbi is mad at Bracha Mindel. Even though she is a congregant, she didn’t give the rabbi off on grievance day. She was kicked out of the shul because she didn't lower the rabbi's home taxes. The rabbi claimed his home is only worth a hundred-fifty-thousand-dollars, though he paid six-hundred-thousand for it. The rabbi ended up giving a class about the difference in value when it comes to taxes. He then explained that the home would be worth two-million if the shul was selling it, as that would include the donation. The rabbi later tried selling his house to a congregant, and called it a fundraiser. Tags:
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We ask people who lead in Kedusha work on their tunes before going up and leading the congregation in song, so the words fit a little. One note shouldn’t have to carry half a paragraph of words, due to unplanned melody. The "Ze El Ze vAmar" should not have to be forced into a quarter second, just to fit the new "Bnei Bunim" song. We also ask you don’t do new songs. Nobody wants to learn a song to sing along with that is not “Etz Chayim Hi.” We have a new fundraiser coming up this season. The shul needs to raise more funds. If anybody knows of any dead people, please let us know, so we can put up dedication plaques. Families of dead people like plaques. The rabbi gave a look of anger to a member last Shabbat. We wish a Mazel Tov to our rabbi who is finally settling into his position. After much discussion, the board has decided the next fundraiser will not be plated. To quote Shaindel, “People shouldn’t be forced to eat the shnitzel with that sauce on it. And I don’t like peas.” Halacha Class: How to Fit Fifteen Words into One Note, With Our Chazin Who Picks Wrong Melodies. What Dead People Give to Our Shul- Thoughts on a Future of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uTefillah Built on Death. Talking in Shul and How to Get Looks from Our Rabbi. A Chazin's Story of How He Ruined "Etz Chayim Hi" with Congregants Who Try to Sing Along. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 25:14-18) Don’t aggravate people in business. You rip everybody off... It's a pyramid scheme. It is called a scheme. Pyramid "Scheme." You scam people. You're aggravators... You aggravate me in shul. I am sure your boss hates you... (Vayikra 25:35-38) Give people a chance to be successful. “Strengthen” them. Don’t take interest or increase. This shul has not allowed me to be successful. You've allowed me to deal with congregants. You've allowed me pain. You’ve increased the questions you ask... Because “I H’ your Gd. I took you out of Mitzrayim...” Don’t enslave people. That is the evil. Turning people into slaves. Scamming them. H’ is the Gd. H' doesn't run pyramid schemes. H' doesn't charge 2k to be able to sell Topeka as a tourist destination... What slaves do you know that are successful?... I don't know how much Harriet Tubman made... The board scammed me. Aggravates me every day. You’ve enslaved me with congregants... You told me Topeka is a beautiful place... Well. You left out the membership of the shul. It was a rabbi hire scheme... And I think the jubilee year is coming up next year. Freedom!!! (Vayikra 25:39-40) If your brother is sold to you, “don’t work him like the work of a slave. Like a laborer, like a resident, he shall be with you till the Yovel...” Don’t work him like a rabbi. Don’t make him go to meetings. Don’t make him have to deal with this president of the shul who has really dumb ideas... I am not suggesting that relationships should end with Yovel. I am saying that relationships with this congregation should end with Yovel... Because working here is slavery. Strengthen. That is our job in this Olam. To strengthen people. The congregants should be working out more. Very weak and out of shape. Bring people up. You enslave people. You think about you and your power. I bring people up. I support untalented people. I make them feel good. The Chazin did a great job Davening... Kedusha words should not fit. In Naaritzcha, the “Ze El Ze vAmar” should all be in one note. Said quick in one note, to finish the stanza... That's what H' would say. H' wouldn't complain, because He is not enslaving you... You guys don’t even know the old songs. Why are you doing new songs?... "Esa Enai" by Shalsheles is a new song... Around thirty years old, but new to our congregants. They like singing "Etz Chayim Hi." Just do everything to "Etz Chayim Hi" and "vShamru Bnei Yisrael"... Anything less than a hundred years old is new to our congregants... It's about bringing people up. Let them feel good. Let them work with the tunes they know. Two tunes is enough... We strengthen our shul through heritage. Through giving money... This isn't a scheme. This is a shul... We need more money. We need more death. Money is not made from the Simchas... Dedication plaques are key. Dedication stitching are is allowed... We need to strengthen our shul. We must focus on death as a shul. The average death sponsorship is $180. The average Simcha sponsorship is $18... Family death is also a very good focus... We have to stop focusing on youth. There is no money on youth. Youth who lost a parent... It is about not being a slave. We are only slaves to Gd. Your rabbi. Myself. I don’t have to worry anymore. I got a raise. I can say it. I cannot stand you people... Yes. I gave Mark a look. You people are annoying. I can finally say that. I have my new contract. I cannot stand the congregants in this shul. Your questions are annoying... I feel stronger. Emboldened. Empowered. Finally, this congregation did a Mitzvah... Strength means giving people choices. Buffet... Nobody wants plated dinners. I like buffet. Plated is good if you like green beans and peas... I don’t want to have to beg for another piece of meat. I like going up when I want another piece. Why we ever had plated... Well. Class is not appreciated. Class is slavery. Ever heard of the class system?... Exactly. They had plated food. And then so much wasted food. With buffet, I can eat Shaindel’s portion... Shaindel never eats. Meal is finished and she still is plated... Nobody should be enslaved to a plate... The fact that everybody here is lazy is a problem. (Vayikra 25:43) “You shall not subjugate him with hard labor,” is talking about slavery. It’s not saying that you people should not help. It’s not saying that you should get plated dinners because it’s hard work to go up to the buffet. Strength means not slaves. Choices. Buffet. (Vayikra 26:3-9) Just follow in Gd’s decrees and He will establish His covenant with us. Be strong and be slaves to Gd. Do not listen to the board. They don't even know how to sing "Etz Chayim Hi" right. The board scams people. It's a shul scheme. Don't hold people as slaves to a painful community. That is how you have goodness in Israel... Gd's decrees allow for enjoyment of life. Simcha. Buffets with as many portions as you want. Getting stronger with a decent workout regimen... Gd's decrees do not have anybody thinking Topeka is a destination... Rivka's Rundown And the people of our shul started working out, so they wouldn't be slaves. I believe that's the message the rabbi was trying to get across. I think it was, "Workout so that you can be free people and sing 'Etz Chayim Hi.'" "Nobody should be enslaved to a plate." Such beautiful words from our Rav. He considers being a rabbi slavery, because the congregants have really dumb requests. On congregants requested the rabbi move Shavuot to the middle of June. She thought that since there was a Pesach Sheni, maybe we could do a second Shavuot as well. The idea came because the weather hasn't been that good, and she still feels she can get more time out of her lilacs. The rabbi was lying about the next Yovel. The next jubilee year is in 2028-29. He just wanted to get paid and get out of this job. The rabbi yelled "Freedom." Middle of his sermon. He was inspired by Braveheart. The rabbi feeling empowered is not a good thing. He is making every request he can. He now wants to add another Mechitzah, so that he doesn't have to see any of the congregants. To quote, "I will not feel free free until I don't have to see members of this shul. As long as I am slave to this job, and getting paid, you are all sinning. This is why I shouldn't have to see anybody. I am holy and following Gd's decrees." Toni got half the shul to sign up for this pyramid scheme, selling Topeka as a vacation destination because it has a park. People bought into this idea of Topeka being a great place to vacation at because it has a playground. The members had to pay 2k to have the right to sell Topeka as a destination with a jungle gym. Now, half the congregation vacations in Topeka. The people have lost all their vacation savings and they’re now vacationing in their homes. Most of the people thought that it was a shul fundraiser, as the cost of selling the pyramid scheme was so outrageous. They forgot to announce Yom Yerushalayim and Memorial Day. The announcements never have stuff on time. So, nobody cared about the Holy City reunifying. Many of the congregants were mad they did not know when Marshall's was a having a sale for fallen soldiers. My section of the shul protested the congregation, yelling, "Because of you, we are slaves to retail." And it is on the backdrop of missing out on the Memorial Day Sale that nobody in our shul feels strengthened right now. The rabbi truly does bring people up. He's an uplifter. I've seen Bar Mitzvah boys do the worst job, and the rabbi is always there to let the young lad know that it's not his fault he's so bad at being a Jew. He makes sure to tell the Bar Mitzvah boy, "It's your parents' fault." They're always off. The tunes in our shul don’t fit the words. That seems to be tradition. You can’t teach an old congregant a new song. The Chazin does an excellent new song and it’s shunned. People are booing the guy. No matter how good the song is, they want to sing "Etz Chayim Hi." They're stuck on it. They truly get into "Etz Chayim Hi." They belt it out like pros. They can't even take out the Torah right. They sing "Etz Chayim Hi" when taking out the Torah. That's our song. We know it. We sing it. Nothing else has made into our shul lexicon of singing to Gd. Our shul truly capitalizes on death. They send Kaddish letters. The last one I got said, "We wish you well on the loss of your mother. Here is where you give the money." They even have death sponsorships. You can sponsor Shalishudis, Kiddish or death. Most congregants didn't want to sponsor death. They said it was self-incriminating. They’re still sponsoring sermons though. Such a scam. The rabbi gets a salary and the one thing he does is sermons. I think some of that money is going to Toni's pyramid scheme. The rabbi bringing up the idea of youth losing a parent was not well appreciated. The rabbi later said he was talking about divorce. That got the support of the congregants. It turns out the people in our shul don't like their spouses. The rabbi settled in finally. He gave an angry look at Mark for talking. I've learned that when a rabbi starts to express his hate for the congregants, he is comfortable with his position. The last rabbi used to curse at the members. Instead of wishing them a Good Shabbis, he would wish them Gehenim. I don’t know anybody that likes plated. You feel good for a minute, and then you realize there is other food you wanted. Not peas. Buffets are better for the health of our shul. The movement keeps you more fit. The only time I've seen another member of our shul walk is to the buffet. When it's plated, they just sit there. Buffets are also good for my steps on the way to the tacos. I need steps. Our membership needs more steps. Tags:
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This Week's Parsha is Achrei-Kedoshim. Shul dinner is this week. We were able to cut cost. The price per couple is only $330. Be sure to purchase your seats at the $330 discount. And there is a single person discount rate of only $280. We are hoping the shul Dinner of Fun Fundraiser draws a younger crowd. If it is members of our shul, that is great. We would rather have people who can afford the dinner. Due to the antisemitism, the Jews will not be burning anything this Lag BOmer. It just sounds wrong to burn anything a Jew owns other than the art projects your kids bring home from Beis Sefer Yiladim vChatifim. We want to apologize for not letting Nachum into the event. He’s been a community member for thirty years. Security said he didn’t sign up, so he’s not safe. People who don’t sign up are felons. That's how the Jewish community views people who can't make plans. The shul would officially like to blame Donald Trump for everything. Halacha Class: The Board and How to Lose Members by Charging More for a Dinner Than Membership. How to Look Like an Anti-Semite on Lag BOmer by Burning Things Outside our Shul. How to Keep People from Showing Up to Your Shul with Our event Organizers. How Our Board is Blaming Donald Trump for the Curtain in the Hallway. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Achrei Mot-Kedoshim. But you if add in the Mot, now we can’t fit it on the announcements page... It's two Parshas... That’s how we name Parshas. Based on how much we can fit in the announcements. There were too many words already, so we shortened the Parsha. We left out death. Is that not a good thing?!... Parsha is same length. We shortened the name. Well. Now it’s "after they became holy." That’s the Parsha... I don’t know why Lag BOmer is such a major holiday... The Lag BOmer fires cannot be used for sacrifices. Only in the Temple... Burning doors and mattresses for sacrificial purposes might be fine in the Beit Hamikdash itself. I am not sure... Don’t reveal nakedness of aunts, uncles, siblings, parents... It’s family. Do I have to explain? You’re sick people... Family is allowed to be attractive. Just not to you... Cousins can marry. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have the Simchovitz clan here in Topeka... (Vayikra 18:24-30) “Do not become contaminated through any of these, for through all of these the nations that I expel before you were contaminated.” Maybe the Canaanites weren’t aware of the Hittities. Some very attractive Hittites. A lot of nations liked the Hittities. To quote the Perizzite, "She was a hot Hittitie..." They had a reputation... There was also a lot of nepotism on the job front. Who do you think cut wood? It was the Canaanite woodcutters. It’s the contamination that caused them to be thrown out of Israel. The contamination of forbidden relationships. Kind of like having forbidden people running the shul, such as board members... It's these abominable acts that contaminate. It's a matter of disrespecting the holiness of familial relationship, without Hittities... And now I hear of this idea in our society of cheating. What is the whole new cheating on your spouse... Gd doesn’t forgive you. The land doesn’t forgive you. Topeka doesn’t forgive you. The reason why Topeka has a such an ugly downtown is the debauchery. This is why the buildings have rotted wood. Depravity... Depravity kills downtowns and building facades. And it causes potholes... Land upchucks people it doesn't like. Such as Bernie and the president of the shul... I don't know if we can blame Trump for Topeka's potholes... “The land became contaminated.... and it disgorged its inhabitants." The land is disgusted by you... And I am too... Simcha. For you it’s the fact you don’t mow your lawn... Your lawn looks like the earth literally puked... These abominable acts is what causes the earth to throw us up. To upchuck us. To have to see weeds on Simcha's lawn. Dandelions from a month ago... You mow them... People still haven’t purchased their seats for the dinner. Families purchase seats. It's what makes family holiness... Holiness starts in the house. Then it goes to seats at shul... Well. Yes. It’s $330. You’re not just getting seats. You're getting shnitzel... Single person is $280... Then get married... $330 a discounted rate. But everybody gets it... Why can't everybody get a discount?... So, call it a sale. It's a flash sale for everybody... Even people that purchase the seats the last day... I can’t explain why it costs more than a wedding. And with no band. Maybe it's the clown. The Dinner of Fun will have shnitzel and a clown... No. I can't say Dinner of Fun Fundraiser ten times fast... Young people can still pay... Well. If they can't afford it, they can't come... Now I'm with you. Then why is it for young people if they can't afford the dinner? It's the board's decision... I'm feeling like I'm going to puke shnitzel right now... Abominable. You get kicked out of the land when shnitzel is that expensive. Families can't afford it... Nobody cares about single people... What do you want to burn Mark? Always burning... Lag BOmer is a good reason to burn something... You don't burn donations. The shul wants to burn old donations, so they can get new ones. Cutting wood would be a proper thing to do for Lag BOmer. Just not in shul... We need the beams. You cut wood off a tree and burn that. You don't burn the shul's beams. You don't burn stuff people donated... You guys just find stuff and burn it. Put some effort into Lag BOmer. Gather shrubs. Instead, you destroy homes and the land... Make a fire pit. Effort. So, the land doesn't upchuck you... You make a beautiful Lag BOmer fire. It's holy. You bring community together in holiness. You sanctify it... This Lag Bomer with no shrubs. Abominable. Of course they didn’t let you into the community Program for Israel Love, Nachum. They know you... Then you should've signed up. They let in people who sign up. Signing up is what makes people safe. Not safe people don't make plans... These mass murderers don't plan it... I can't explain the manifesto they write part. If you go to a community event, sign up. But don't send the organizers a manifesto. They may not let you in if a manifesto is attached to your registration... No. You can’t blame Donald Trump for your stupidity. You messed up the shul's dinner. People aren't coming because of your idea of Funtime Dinnertime. And they're not joining the Lag BOmer fire, because you haven't collected wood... Be holy. Why Bernie? Because H’ is holy. (Vayikra 19:2) "You shall be holy because I am holy, H’ your Gd." It starts with marital relations and not acting sexually deprave. It starts with looking outside your family, at the Hitittes... It doesn't stop there. (Vayikra 19:1-14) Then there is Shabbat. No idol worshiping. And eating Kodesh at the right times... You eat holy when you're holy... (Vayikra 19:9) Leave the corner of the field. Gifts to the poor... Yes. That’s part of being holy. Mitzvahs. You do Mitzvahs, the land's stomach feels better... Donations to your shul is part of being holy. You don't give donations. You don't go to the shul dinner and pay $330 for a seat. This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. If you liked shnitzel, the shul would like you more... And pay people on time. Your rabbi has to wait for a check every two weeks... Don’t steal. Don’t lie, especially in Gd’s name. Basically, stay away from the board. (Vayikra 19:13) Don’t let payment remain till morning... Well, if that's the one writing the checks, the office manager should be upchucked. We affect our land. And that is done by not giving gifts to the poor... A dollar in the Pushke does not make for a land that doesn't vomit you up. You have to give more Tzedakah than a dollar... I know you never give more. If you were giving a corner of your land, it would be the area with hypotenuse of one centimeter... Don’t burn random stuff on Lag BOmer. Like land. Unless if it's Simcha's. He won't mow the thing. And don’t curse the deaf or place a stumbling block in front of blind people... No. It’s not funny, Samantha. The whole tripping thing... The whole not cleaning up your kids' toys and leaving them laying around in the shul's hallway... This is why the shul wants to upchuck you. You contaminate. “And you shall fear your Gd. I am H’.” It is this fear that keeps us holy and not contaminated when we are in our rooms at home. When we are in shul and wanting to throw out Samantha and the board. It is this fear of Gd that allows us to live properly in Israel. With nicely paved streets. No potholes. Decent building facades made of Jerusalem stone... But it all starts with how you treat the family. And your kids are messed up... Rivka's Rundown I am not a big fan of the shul upchucking me. I don’t like the visual. The sermon was quite graphic with the upchucking of nakedness. Half the shul thought cutting wood was another euphemism for passing gas. To quote, “Did Bernie pass gas, cut cheese or cut wood?” Very true. Depravity has ruined our downtown. Even the streets have potholes. The first half of the sermon was the rabbi answering questions. The second half was the rabbi repeating Halacha, Jewish laws, trying to get his congregants to be moral and decent people. He gave up on that and just told them that they and their families are the reason why there are potholes in the streets. He then answered questions by telling them they are full of nakedness because they don't donate enough money to the shul. Immorality is in private company. I know this, because I have seen many of our congregants picking their nose in their cars. They wouldn't do that, if they knew people were watching. I know our congregants are not good with outward Mitzvot too. I am sure they are good at not checking out their aunts and uncles. But they are definitely not good at showing up for Minyin or getting a decent Lulav and Etrog. They look like a bunch of peasants, walking around on Sukkot with their branches coming apart. It’s a rip off. $330 for a dinner. And then you get what?! Just call it a donation. If the called it a donation, I would know I was getting ripped off, and I would feel like I was giving a corner of my salary to the shul. By the way, the shul is not poor. I know this, because they just pulled in $330 for seats and dinner, with a clean four thousand percent profit. They don't need the corner of the field. By the way, after the dinner (I had to go- I couldn't get out of it- they honored somebody I know- which is how they get you to pay), I went for falafel. The $330 chicken was dry. I'm figuring they were charging us for the extra work they put into drying out the chicken. The chef put no care and love into his food. I am guessing he only saw fifteen of the three hundred thirty. Older people who could afford the dinner didn't show up, because they thought it was only for younger people. There was one young family who showed. They brought their six-year-old and toddler. They figured it was cheaper to pay for the little one than to have to hire a babysitter. The rabbi blamed the dumb idea of making a fundraiser for young people who can't afford it on the board. The rabbi has started a new thing where anything that goes wrong gets blamed on the board. He gave an extremely non-inspirational Yom HaAtzmaut speech. He blamed it on the board. He said their last meeting about new secure door hinges interfered with his clarity about the meaning of Israel's independence. It turns out that you have to call people six times to ensure they purchase their seats for dinners where shnitzel is $330. They should use this method to get people to pay for Aliyahs. Once people are worried the shul won’t stop calling, they will give money to not have to hear the phone ring. I'm not paying for the shnitzel and the chair. And by the way, you don't get to keep the seat. That was my protest. I paid. I had to. They get you with the honorees. You have to go broke because they're honoring Shloimi and Bracha for knowing people. I believe that was the honor. They know people. The Dinner of Fun drew a younger crowd, who didn’t pay entrance. The young people that came said it’s not fun to pay. Being that the shul is now listening to the younger crowd, they heard their plight and told them they don’t have to pay. The young people had fun at the Dinner of Fun fundraiser, and the shul lost money. But the young people said they will promise to show up to programs where they don’t have to pay for the food. So, we're moving in a positive direction for the future of our shul. Our congregants burn anything they can find on Lag BOmer. This is why the rabbi had security at the shul all week, guarding the drapes and table covers, in anticipation of Lag BOmer. The shul Lag BOmer bonfire was a video. They did a video bonfire this year. They said it is safer if it’s in video form. So, they put up a screen and we sang. The singing was with a video leader. The new idea of the shul is to have everything in video form. Ever since COVID, people like their Judaism in video form. That was messed up. Treating Nachum like a felon. The guy has been part of the community since he was a child. I think it was to spite Nachum for not being wealthy. If he had more money, they would've let him in with a gun. The whole safety thing is ludicrous. You show up to an event and you can't get in. The only way you can get in is if you resend the Jewish Federation your profile. Each event you have to re-prove that it's you. And then they don't even tell you where it is. That's it. Nachum didn't get into the event because he knew where it was. Only a felon would know where they're hosting a Jewish event nowadays. We have to stop worrying about antisemitism. It's just causing more Jew hatred. I wouldn't be surprised if Nachum attacks the Jews now. Even if he does, they won't let him in. The crazy thing is that the Federation is vigilant when it comes to keeping Jews out. They are good at keeping Jews out of Jewish events, for the safety of Jews. If an anti-Semite showed, they would let them in. No questions asked. The board started blaming Donald Trump for everything. The president said he was possessed by Donald Trump to send foreigners to shuls in other countries, saying they were tourists. He felt so bad that he misunderstood Trumps statement against terrorists. Nothing was mentioned about Mother's Day. It turns out that there is no extra Mitzvah to honor your mother on Mother's Day. Hence, our shul and the Funtime Committee charges them $330 for a dinner. Tags:
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Shloimi is the new Gabai. Because the rest of you can’t figure out when to start Chazaras HaShas. A bunch of fools spaced out, looking around. The rabbi takes three steps back, you start. Note to All Congregants: People finish their silent Amidah, you start right away. Otherwise, we will lose congregants to places that are faster. And if you are leading, do it fast. Nobody wants to hear you sing. Even your wives are schepping no Nachis. We are going to stop giving envelopes to people after Aliyahs. We realized that not one person has sent a check to the shul in appreciation. It turns out our membership can’t even afford stamps. You can now donate to the shul. Anything we already have in the shul is up for donation. Bookcases. The Ark. Youth groups. Samantha’s huge hat she decides to wear to block everybody’s view. The annual dinner is next week. We’ve changed the name from the Dinner of Excellence to the Dinner of Fun. We feel this will draw a younger crowd. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Make Everyone Wait, Spacing Out Before Chazaras HaShas. How to Use an Envelope and Make a Donation. How to Get Rid of Past Donations By Taking Off The Cover of The Torah Somebody Else Donated. How to Put a Plaque on Everything With Our Board. How to Make Everything Sound Like a Preschool Program With Our Annual Dinner's Committee. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Burns are not Tamei. If you burn yourself on the stove top... Why are you touching stove tops and not speaking Lashon Hara?... Bald men are still pure. Not somebody you’d want to set your daughter up with... Girls aren't attracted to the baldness, Baruch... Doesn't make you contaminated. Just single. (Vayikra 13:55) Clothes can be contaminated. If the affliction “has not changed its color after it has been washed, and it has not spread, it is contaminated, you shall burn it...” I’ve been telling Nachum to burn his shirt because it’s ugly. Purified clothes can still be ugly when purchased at Costco... Kirkland shirts are great. Did your shirt come with cashews?... First you try to clean it. (Vayikra 13:54) You clean the contaminated area. Some things you can’t fix. Like our shul. The slow uptake on the cantor's repetition of the Amidah. Donations for everything, causing a deficit... How donations cause a deficit is an anomaly. Yet, our shul somehow finds it normal... (Vayikra 13:56-58) Clothes become impure too... You need clean clothes. Otherwise, you might as well burn them. If they come out cleaner, “the affliction left them, it shall be immersed again and it shall become pure.” Pure clothes have to be clean. When you dress like our congregants, with stains all over, you start to ask how much Lashon Hara they’re speaking. And you ask why they keep wearing white shirts... I know you're supposed to wear white on Shabbat. But all I see are red and blue stains... (Vayikra 14:8) Purification here involves birds... Not out of a hat... Hyssop too... He “shall immerse his clothes, and he shave all his hair, and he shall immerse himself in water and become pure...” He needs a deep clean. After all the Lashon Hara, you smell bad... I don’t know what hyssop is. Maybe they use it to make stuff smell better... They speak Lashon Hara because you wear messed up clothes. Because you don’t shower. If you showered and didn’t dress like Baruch, who is bald, and maybe wore a hat, to cover up your baldness, nobody would speak Lashon Hara about you... The point is to be clean when you purify... I’ve seen you bringing grimy pots to the Mikvah... If it’s not clean, it’s not pure... To be clean of sin. To get rid of your messed up clothes. Some things you can't make better. Your sinful stained clothing. You burn it... Our shul is not pure. This is why we must cleanse the shul of contaminated people who can't Daven... People who have no idea when to start doing Chazaras HaShas, the repetition, should be quarantine... Then why are they leading?!... Well they shouldn’t lead Davening. You guys have no idea what to do in shul. You’re like a Chazir stuck in headlights. Shloimi has the head nod down. He knows people’s names. He’s not afraid to call up people for Aliyahs to the Torah... The last Gabai just stood there hoping somebody would give him an idea of who to call up... This is why Shloimi is not quarantined. He's a good leader. He knows how to nod at the right moments. He let's the Chazin know to start the repetition of the Amidah... And your singing is off. This is the only shul where the wives are saying, "My husband has such a bad voice. I wish he wouldn't lead..." Other shuls have wives that feel like their husband is serenading them when they're taking the Amud... That means being a Chazin. Leading the Tzibur. The Baal Tefilah. Cantor. Baruch! And your wife doesn't want to hear you sing. No wife here wants her husband to serenade her. People would ask why she married that... Too much donation asking. You even ask people for donations in quarantine... They can't give donations in quarantine. With unclean money... Why the Aliyah envelopes? People don't use envelopes anymore. They make donations online... Then we should give them the shul's web address... Yes. On Shabbis. When else, Bernie?... It's a web address. It's not a physical address. You can tell people where that is. We don't have to worry about security at the web address. We don't need to put in 500k for a decent firewall... Be pure. Give to the shul. Give clean money... Money should be run through the laundry after you’ve touched it with all your sneezing in the back to the shul there... Lashon Hara makes people sneeze. Contamination... It’s like an affliction of sneezing. And then I have to clean my clothes... Handkerchiefs are not pure. They’re Tamei. Not Tahor... Well. Handkerchiefs are disgusting... Well, the bookcase is in shul. So, it costs more. It’s the space you’re paying for... Of course. You donate stuff that is already here. It was donated before. Now you redonate. It’s called a redonation... It's where you take away the donation that was there before. And the shul gets more money... I need a raise... You can donate anything. The shul will take money for anything... How are we going to put a plaque on Samantha's hat?... Money makes things uncontaminated. A donation has the power to give somebody who does not keep the laws of Shabbat an Aliyah... It's how the law works Bernie... I agree. Dinner of Fun makes no sense. It’s a fundraising dinner. Who’s giving money? Eight-year-olds?... A fun house is impure. Burn it. We need a pure fundraising event with old people... Because they give money... Younger crowd? Young people don't give money... Young couples give nothing... The Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse. It's all here. So much Lashon Hara to be spoken about. The dumb decisions of the president of this shul. The handkerchiefs. The dumb donation ideas. The Dinner of Fun to raise 400K... It doesn't mean you have to speak Lashon Hara about the board and the stupidity. You therefore must atone by cleaning within you the stuff you spoke Lashon Hara about... You shave, because you spoke about somebody's bad hair. Either that, or you look disgusting... Be pure. Donate in a way of immersion. Immerse into the donations to the shul. Most of all. Make it all make sense. Give a lot of money... The message of our Parsha is that no matter how Tamei you are. No matter how messed up of a congregation you belong to. No matter how many people speak Lashon Hara about your dumb ideas of Funtime Dinner Night for adults. You have to clean your clothes... Put up a load every once in a while. Otherwise, you're Tamei. And a happy Yom HaAtzmaut... It's the 5th of Iyar today. And you have a Tamei mind. Not thinking about Israel. Rivka's Rundown I so respect our rabbi and his ability to turn any speech into an appeal. Beautiful Yom HaAtzmaut sermon. I thought the rabbi was going to appeal on behalf of Israel at the end there. But he was focused on his messed-up congregants who he said are too contaminated to be allowed into Israel. I think the rabbi left Israel out of his speech, because the congregation is so messed up. He also doesn't want to lose any money to Israel. To quote the rabbi, "Israel at least has Jews who care, and give their rabbi a raise." They're so worried about security, the president made the staff bring in a cyber-security team to make sure nobody can find our address. Now, nobody can find the shul, because it's not listed anymore. And nobody can find out when Minyin is, because they can't find the web address. Security has kept people from showing up to programs. They still don't tell people where or what is going on, for security reasons. And what are they worried about the internet for? Nobody will want to steal the shul's debt, brought on by the Funhouse Fundraiser. The Parsha is just making fun of bald people. Bald people and people who dress with stains. Either that or Tzara'at. Baruch is bald and trying to meet a woman. It's a turnoff. All the girls see is a bald four-year-old in their future. Stanley's wife, Nechama, blamed him for their baby coming out of the womb bald. In the birthing unit, she started yelling, "Our baby has no hair because of you. A bald little six pounder." I didn't like the idea of calling the kid a six pounder. When I usually order a six pounder of brisket. Come to think of it, I can't think of a non-bald man in our congregation. I agree. Kirkland clothing is not the best thing to tell people about. You shouldn't advertise you purchased your clothes at the grocery. The sermon started with a whole discussion about how very white people should not be made fun of. Nor should bald people. The rabbi had to explain the difference between Tumah, impurity, and ugly people. The rabbi's main point was the board is contaminated. It took the rabbi a while to explain how Lashon Hara makes you smell bad. I respect him. He didn't give up on it. He had a concept. Nobody understood it. And he kept with it. Some of our congregants sneeze a lot. Disgusting. Since COVID, sneezing has finally been accepted as disgusting and reason to quarantine people. Truth is the last Gabai was just scared. He got attacked for giving an Aliyah once. He thought he was calling up somebody to the Torah. The next thing he knows, he's getting attacked and Moishie is screaming at him, “You called the wrong Balabas again. I’m going to beadle your face.” Balabas is a Baal Habayit. The head of a household who likes to complain about the rabbi and attack the Gabai. The Aliyah envelopes are such a scam. Once I saw that, I knew they were trying to get money any way possible. Donating to the shul is something I'm now having a hard time with. A bookcase is $80. Shul donation, the bookcase is 10k. The shul is just scamming as much money as possible. And then it appears they can just drop it for a new one. If there were time commitments, like donation warranties, I would think about doing it. But they'll just get rid of my bookcase and replaque it. If I'm getting a bookcase, I want a lifetime warranty on it. Ikea gives a warranty for eighty-dollars. It's like a bad dentist, replaquing stuff. They're saying they messed up the first time with the Goldbloom family, and nobody should remember Howard Goldbloom and the two-million-dollars the Goldbloom family donated to the Torah covers. A bookcase is all I can afford. That's a pathetic thing to donate. Even the tablecloth is more than the bookcase. You donate a bookcase, that's the kind of thing you don't put your name on. You put your name on a building. Maybe an ark. It's Gd's ark, but you put your name on it when you have the money. As the rabbi taught in his sermon, money is pure. If you give enough money, it's your ark. The board will replaque and redonate it. If you give enough money, the Torah is yours too. Given by Moshe. But in our shul it's given by Yankel Simchovitz. The shul is even having people donate programs. Donate youth groups. Donate a baseball game. Donate something that has nothing to do with Judaism. They found a way to put on plaque on youth groups. Brilliance. And we have no youth. Some say we have youth. We have children. Youth are kids that care about their Judaism. Samantha's hat is huge. Very true. You can fit a plaque on it. It might even be bigger than the bookcase. I should donate the hat. And the Dinner of Fun is $280. I am going to go to Playhouse Funhouse for $15. The rabbi banned handkerchiefs. He said they are Tamei, due to the disgusting amounts of sneezing in the shul. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke V: Shemini4/27/2025
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The Finkelstein family will not be at shul this week. They are still in the middle of their Seder. We take back our Mazel Tov to the Tzimkin family on their daughter’s wedding. They did not sponsor Kiddish. We want to thank Golda for starting the Girl Scout chapter. The only Girl Scout chapter to sell Mehadrin cookies, with Leiber’s peanut butter. Now we need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys. It turns out kids in our shul do not behave unless if they get a badge for it. We want to welcome everybody back from Pesach, who didn’t care if the shul had a Minyin. Please let the rabbi know if anybody was able to find a whole piece of Shmurah Matzah. He is looking for something to give him hope. To quote: "There must be somebody who found a box with a not broken piece of Matzah." Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Not Stop Talking- Seder with the Finkelstein’s or Sitting with Mark in Shul. Not Sponsoring Kiddish, Uncle Morty and Other Ways to Kill a Simcha for a Community. How to Ruin the Greatest Cookie with Lieber’s. What to Do When Your Shul's Minyin is In Orlando. How to Join Matzah You Purchased for Eighty-Five-Dollars to Get a Whole Piece You Can Use. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 10:13) After the death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells Aharon and his surviving sons, “And you must eat them in a holy place. For they are your portion and your sons’ portion from Gd’s fire offering. Because I have commanded this.” We might be a holy shul if we didn’t have a board... Fools. You still can't eat in shul. The fact that Norman has a bowl of choolent with him for Torah reading... Now he's eating Kichel in the middle of the sermon... The word for portion is Chok. Chok is the same word used for decrees. Decrees we must do, even though we may not understand them. And I don't understand why I have to deal with Norman eating Kichel right now... Rashi comments that this command is even though they are Onens, they still eat the sacrifices. Even though their relatives died today... Rashi can comment. You commenting makes no sense. Nobody understands. It’s hard to jump into things when you lose a loved one... I am not suggesting you don’t show to the funeral. That was wrong. It was your parent’s funeral... We are focused here on the commandment. On a higher meaning that we may not know. Hence a Chok. Even if it's hard. It's their portion. When it comes to service of H’ our feelings may be secondary... Why, Bernie? Because your feelings are not justifiable. You were hurt that you didn’t get the Kohen Aliyah... You’re not a Kohen, Bernie... When it comes to holiness, as Aharon and his sons are. Not like this congregation who never goes to the Mikvah... There is no way you go to the Mikvah. That thing is too clean. You can see the pool tile, no residue, and it shines. We may not fully grasp the spiritual command... We don’t know the holiness of this world. With the Karbanot, the sacrifices, we bring the physical to a state of spiritual... You wouldn’t know, because animal sacrifice is illegal in America... I’m not suggesting to sacrifice animals. You can slaughter them and eat them... Well. I can’t explain everything. I truly do not know the difference between animal sacrifice and enjoying a decent steak at Le Marais. I do know that we see the physical... Well. Aharon may not understand why he has to focus on his portion after his sons died! They're dead!!! Maybe he has feelings, Simcha?! Maybe he should be mourning them!!! Showing Kavod to their lives!!! They're dead!!! And we don’t see the full plan of H’. The holiness. This is why H’ tells Aharon to not mourn. To eat of the Karabnot... Sacrifices. Karbanot are sacrifices. This is why you can’t do animal sacrifice. Bernie. You don’t understand Hebrew. This is why you’re not a Kohen... And this is why it has to be a Chok. Because we can’t understand the true spiritual correctness... It's their portion. But it's the same Chet and Koof. Maybe it doesn't mean decree. Even so... And I don’t understand a thing you do in this shul. How long does a Seder take? It says “The time for Kriyat SHema has come.” That means stop talking... In shul too. Stop talking. You wouldn't understand this in the back left. Yapping away. That's why it's a decree... There are commandments. There is commentary. And then there's the Finkelstein kids reading their notes from school... If your kids had good reading skills your Seder would’ve been over by midnight... You don’t even understand the Seder. You have no idea what you’re saying. A good Chok is for you to not talk... I would understand if you sponsored Kiddish every once in a while. Maybe a Chok to give a little to the shul. With the amount of Kichel you eat. Maybe to give something to our congregation. Your daughter gets married. Maybe that’s a time to sponsor a Kiddish... For you that's a Chok. For everybody else, who donates every once in a while, it makes sense... Girl Scouts is amazing. The girls are great. Dressed Tzanuah. Like Beis Yaakov. It's amazing how you were able to throw a sash over the Beis Yaakov outfit and save on the Girl Scout uniform... Works with Bnei Akiva too. Exactly... They have on the uniform and they're well behaved. We need a Boy Scout chapter to shut up the boys in shul. Maybe to teach some manners and safety... The boys in junior congregation wouldn’t even know how to do a sacrifice without burning themselves... Welcome back everybody from Pesach. Leaving our shul for Pesach is not a Chok. It's just something I would have liked to do... To get away from you... No. I don't understand how Shmurah Matzah is that expensive. And broken?! I am still looking for a piece of Shmurah Matzah that came not broke... It was an eighty-five-dollar box. We found the Afikomen. Could not find a nonbroken piece of Matzah. Do they toss it before they send it out?! I would understand if I paid eighty-five-dollars and got whole Matzahs... Even eighty-five-dollars does not make sense. And how did the super thin Matzah come with the exact number of pieces as the thick Matzah? Were they weighing the box... I do not understand. And it's not a Chok... The life of Matzah. It comes. It goes. We don't fully understand it. But we do not mourn it... Gd commanded whole pieces of Matzah. And the only one who gets it is Shloimi. I personally want to thank Shloimi for the Chazaras Hashas head nod. Excellent timing. You have it down. The Chazin looks to you and knows when to go. We are looking to you to be our next Gabai. You have the "time for repetition" nod down. There are Choks. You do Chazars HaShas as soon and as fast as possible. The cantor gets a head nod from Shloimi, you go... The rest of you are spaced out. Wondering why nobody has started yet. Wondering why you've been waiting ten minutes... When Shloimi is not in shul, you're lost. You once waited from Shacharit till Mincha for Chazaras HaShas, because Shloimi wasn't there... I can't explain why they didn't mourn. Cursing your dad at his funeral was probably not right. There is no Chok to wish the worst for the dead and get mad that you didn't go to Disney Land as a child. Point is you should mourn. That was their portion... Samantha. Spiritual correctness is more important than political correctness... That’s the Chok we must live by... Rivka's Rundown What beautiful words about Aharon and his sons. Now. To connect better spiritually, people stopped mourning, and they started cursing their family members with death. "We see the physical." That teaching truly spoke to me. That was my takeaway. That and the spiritual is not always seen. I am now left with a lot of questions about the spiritual. But at least I am one with the physical. Samantha was stuck on spiritual correctness. She was trying to figure out what spiritual correctness had to do with not using the term mentally disabled. She then said handicapable is spiritual. I told her that handicapable is spiritually offensive, as it sounds like you're mocking disabled people. She also said that spiritual correctness meant minorities should get a better education and people should be called by how they identify. Since the sermon, Shloimi has stopped head nodding. He doesn't want to be Gabai. He claimed it is too violent, as the last Gabai got beat up for calling up the wrong person to the Torah, when Zack wanted the Aliyah. Zack met the Gabai outside of shul and threatened the Gabai with not giving a donation. Pesach is over, the Seder is over, and congregants are still sharing thoughts. Is there any day on our calendar where people don’t share thoughts? Tisha BAv in a community where people do a Taanit Dibur, a fast of speech. Even there, they're sharing thoughts with their looks. The Tizimkins will never sponsor anything. They didn’t even sponsor their oldest when she was selling World’s Finest Chocolate. They refused to let their kids join Girl Scouts because of the cookies. They were worried they would have to buy some, when Pepperidge Farm had a deal on peanut butter filled chocolate cookies. Girl Scouts in our shul. It’s one of the few Frum Girl Scout chapters. They do what they can to keep it religious. We don't call the second and third graders Brownies. They are known as Babkas. And the Babkas are doing great. We give them pins and badges. They get badges for showing up to shul. For helping setup for Kiddish. For babysitting. The goal is to get the girls to do stuff without having to pay them. One girl received five badges for telling a woman to stop talking in the women’s section. The rabbi is happy to see the members right when they get back from being away for two weeks. He has a short-term memory when it comes to members. After a couple of days he remembers they’re congregants. He also remembers that some of them are on the board. How they ship the Shmurah Matzah and still sell it for eighty-five-dollars a box. They should have a truck with shocks on it if they’re shipping Matzah. I even think the delivery guy threw the box. A Frum delivery guy. Didn't get out of the truck. Just threw the boxes like he was delivering newspapers. Next year I heard they’re selling Matzah that comes in whole pieces for three-hundred-dollars. Tags:
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Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat. Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate. We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris. Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi. Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there. Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?! (Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???! Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated... Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back... It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly. People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day... Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that. Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative... Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder... Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your... How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons. We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo. You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now. You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son... Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz... Is everybody back. Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned... It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah. How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce... It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too... Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time... If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting... (Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul. If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership. That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark! It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job... There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan. Rivka's Rundown Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together. They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?” After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon. The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them." I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder. I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp. Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah. Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran. The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing. The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels. Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved. The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima. They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul. This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYikra4/6/2025
Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions. Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early. The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that. Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin... (Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards.... There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy... Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody. The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens. You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community... So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together... We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism. I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie. I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition... People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition. People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening... You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody. The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast... Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed... The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood. We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder... You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace.... We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood. You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it... This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?! Rivka's Rundown The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it. The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good. Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned. The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him. Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him. He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing. The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked. The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown. Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow. I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her. They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life. I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Pikudei3/30/2025
Announcements
We apologize for the baseball outing. It was spring training and the board didn’t think the Florida trip was a problem. Next year, we’ll plan the shul baseball outing within 500 miles of your homes and during the baseball season. The PTA isn’t part of the shul. We want to make it clear. Parents ruin the shul. Everyone thinks they have something to say. Do not use your connection to the PTA to bother the rabbi. The shul doesn’t take responsibility for educating children. They will end up like Bernie. We’ve had many complaints about the Sefardi Chazan. We ask Amisar to bring down the high-pitch a bit. We respect the beautiful tradition. Ashkenazim have sensitive ears. We want to welcome Amisar’s family to the shul. We didn't notice you over Amisar's high-pitch. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Spend 2k to Sit in the Stands and Get a Tan at a Baseball Game. How to Ruin Your Child’s Education with Congregants. Sefardic Roots and The Ability to Sit in Shul and Enjoy It. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 39:33) “They brought the Mishkan to Moshe...” They didn’t make him walk out of his way, like when you need the rabbi to Kasher you home for Pesach... You bring the vessels to the shul. I don't run a ladle pickup service. They came to Moshe. You bring stuff to your rabbi. (Shemot 39:33-42) They brought him all the stuff they made. All the gold and copper vessels. The clothes for Aharon and his children to serve with. They didn't bring Moshe problems. They didn't bring Moshe a divorce... They didn't bring Moshe the vessels and a question about whether they can use them on Pesach... The ides is not to make your rabbi's job harder... The idea is also to not use stucco on the inside of a building. The worst idea. You use stucco on the outside. You worked and made the shul worse... That is why I don't always encourage your projects. Because they are useless. If you brought copper to the shul, your rabbi would be happy with you... (Shemot 39:43) “And Moshe saw all the work, and they did it as H’ commanded, that’s how they did it. And Moshe blessed them.” You’ve done no work. You have not helped at all... Max. You quit your job yesterday and told your boss he should go to... You cursed your boss, Max. Do something... Divorce is not the focus of blessing... Even if you're working on it. We’re trying to get rid of members. We’re not trying to break up families at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Well. Let's talk about work. Let's talk about what you should donate to the shul. Did H’ command you to make a pottery ashtray? No. Therefor it doesn’t get a blessing. You get blessed when you do stuff H’ commanded you... What have you done that is good?... H' did not command you to setup a baseball game trip to Florida. Especially when you could've donated that money to shul. I would have blessed you if you donated that money... Why the baseball game? It’s March. You schedule nothing right... It was spring training. That’s down in Florida. You even misscheduled Pesach... I saw the calendar. It’s two days off. You even made that wrong. How do you misschedule Pesach? You don't donate money to any organization, and you don't get a calendar... You give money to organizations, you get a calendar before the year, and you get blessed with knowing when Jewish stuff takes place... Betting on March Madness is not work... You brought me your betting brackets. I don't think Moshe would've blessed that. I don't care about Danny Woolf... Wait. A Jew... Did H’ command you to schedule a trip to Florida for a spring training baseball game? Hence. Not blessed. And I'm fine telling your children that your ideas are not blessed... Why are your kids at the sermon. This isn’t a family friendly sermon. This is real stuff. This isn't matinee... This is not a matter for the PTA. The PTA breaks up families. Not a blessing. You mess up enough at the school. Thanks to the PTA, children don't get soda anymore for lunch. And now kids don't even want to go to school... If the PTA focused on lice, we wouldn't have problems at Kiddish. The herring would be OK to eat. We would all be able to make Brachas... What's a blessing?! Not the PTA. Because the PTA doesn't work. The PTA is a bunch of parents who are not at work... You can't meet at 2pm and call that work... H’ didn’t command children to be in the sermon. If the PTA cared to raise kids as Gd commanded... If you taught the kids as Gd commanded, it would be a blessing. And they would have soda machines. Maybe even SodaStream. Support Israel a little blessing... Did H' command you to fire the best teacher, because you have to do something as the PTA? Hence. Not blessed... I am sorry. I can’t hear you. My ears are still ringing from Shacharit. The high-pitch thing is not usually done in Ashkenazi shuls... H' did not command that high of a pitch when singing and leading... No. I appreciate the Amens. I also appreciate the Davening. It just hurts my ears... I would've said Amen to your blessings if my ears weren't ringing... Why didn’t you welcome Amisar’s family last week? Well. We want to welcome you and your family. Hopefully, you work. It would be nice to have a congregant that helps a bit... Do what H’ commands and I can bless you. Kind of hard when you have congregants... I pray you will all do something good, like Amisar. I love the guy Amisar says Amen. We are commanded to say Amen. Amisar is blessed. Even if you are not helpful as a professional, and you are part of the PTA. H’ asks you to do Mitzvot. Do Mitzvot. Let Mitzvot be your work... You don’t have to be a craftsman to do Mitzvot. Ashkenazim can do Mitzvot. You don’t have to be a weaver to put on a Tallis. You don’t have to be a community organizer to show up to Minyin... Then why am I the only one?... No blessings for you. H' tells you to clean your home for Pesach. So please stop coming to me with questions. Clean... I understand that's work. Clean and you will be blessed. Rashi teaches that Moshe blessed them, “May it be H’s will that the Shechina rest upon your handiwork... May the pleasantness of H’ our Gd be upon us and our handiwork may He establish. (Tehillim 90:17 which Mosher wrote)." There is nothing pleasant about spending 2k to fly down to Florida for spring training. Especially when the PTA is complaining about tuition. And shul doesn't even have tuition... It’s hard to bless when there is no handiwork. No craftsmanship even in your house. Not one piece of crown molding… There is no Shechina in the PTA. Hence, no Bracha... Amen. Exactly. Thank you Amisar... Your handiwork is what brings upon blessing. But not when our congregants are doing the work. If Moshe had to go out of his way to see what you guys do for the shul, if he saw how Max just gave up in the middle of schnitzel, he wouldn’t have blessed you. He might have given up... One side breaded schnitzel... He would've seen no pleasantness. Probably wouldn't have hit a rock. Might have hit a congregant... Amen to Amisar. A congregant who came to Topeka to work. Somebody that understands that stucco belongs on the outside of a building... I will see you all for Kashering of your vessels this week. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi ended by not blessing the congregants. Unique in his approach. Love it. I think the rabbi made his point very well. The congregants should work. But they should not expect blessing for their work, as it is useless. Our congregation has messed up ideas of work. And then they have no idea what "donate" means. They think it's pasta before Pesach. You donate pasta boxes before Pesach. They think cleaning is donating pasta boxes. We are truly not a handi-congregation. I don’t think the rabbi wants to see our handiwork. That would be a curse. It will come out worse than the stucco that fell. It wasn’t impasto at first. Then, Maxine thought it would be a good idea to do the whole shul like that. That was a mistake. It’s good H’ didn’t ask us to decorate the Tabernacle in self-portraits of raised texturized paint. Finally, somebody went off on the PTA. They fired Ms. Sandor. A great teacher, teaching home economics. The parents were mad that their kids were saying that they shouldn't waste money on trips to Florida. PTA got her fired. The PTA has been showing up everywhere. They even complained that Marshall’s didn’t have a good enough holiday sale. This is why we have an office secretary. To keep the board away from scheduling. Now I know why they have to do the whole service out loud in Sefardi Minyins. With the high-pitch Chazin thing, you can’t concentrate. You have to let them do it for you. People came to the class given by Amisar on how to enjoy shul. Not one Ashkenazi connected. Amisar has a beautiful family. Great kids. They clean up after themselves. They are kind. They share. The PTA has already been complaining about this behavior to the Amisar and his wife. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Vayakhel3/23/2025
Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot. We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta. Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues." We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel. Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul. (Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help... Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron... We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes... Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim... The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart. (Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place... Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King... Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!... The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section... What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants... It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale... Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants... Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls. Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t. The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry. The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge. By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it. The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent. The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi. The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes. His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis." Tags:
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Announcements
The Mishloach Manot this year was pathetic. On behalf of the shul membership, we ask that nobody gives gift packages till next Purim. To quote Bernie, “I have enough junk left over from Halloween. I don’t need more bite size Snickers. I don’t take Snickers that have only one letter. I only take Snickers that has the full word on it.” We ask that all Kaddish people go to the Bima to say Kaddish together, so that Simmy doesn’t mess it up for everybody again, saying it off beat and making the mourners mad. We apologize to all the mourners on behalf of Simmy, for making your loss very not enjoyable. Everybody should have enough food to eat at home after the shul’s Purim meal. As it is a community meal, there will not be enough... People were asking if it was a holiday party. We did have a bouncy house. Hence, it was a holiday. Contemporary Halacha Class: The Requirement of a Bouncy House at All Shul Events According to the Torah. How to Make Mourners Mad with Kaddish and Mishloach Manot. How to Ensure Nobody Gets a Full Serving at a Purim Party. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It was after the Golden Calf. There was a plague and the Leviim killing people... The Leviim in our shul couldn’t kill a fly. The most they would do is wash a fly’s hands... Should we have destroyed the bouncy house? Probably. It’s what the children in our shul seem to pray to. The Levites should’ve taken a knife to it and deflated it. Hence, killing it... (Shemot 33:13) Moshe pleads to know Gd’s ways. I just want to understand why the board makes such dumb decisions. Why a Purim party consists of no Hamentashen... It’s Purim. Why do we have Danish? What did the Danish do to our people that we should be eating their ears?!!! (Shemot 33:15) Moshe says to H’, “If your presence doesn’t go (with us), do not bring us up from here.” And we have not seen Gd’s presence in Topeka. And thus, with this congregation, I am stuck not moving from Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You wouldn't remember if you saw Gd's presence last night. You were drunk. We need Gd’s presence to move ahead. To move out of Topeka. We don’t depend on a bouncy house when we don’t see Gd. Where is Gd's presence in Danish? And there are more questions about our board... I heard kids complaining about their Halloween food... There shouldn't be Halloween food. It's a Jewish holiday. There should be Christmas food. Leftovers from Christmas is fine, as Jews buy that after Christmas, when it's on sale. You don't have kids seeing Gd's presence when there is a ghost on their licorice. You don't end up knowing Gd's ways through a skeleton on your lawn... Even if it's made out of plastic. It's about knowing Gd's ways. Moshe's plea is what we strive for, and why we follow laws. It's why I stay away from board meetings... And then you put the disgusting leftover candy in the donation basket. Even the poor people didn’t like it... Nobody wanted leftover poppy seed... Even if it's in Hamentash form. Your Mishloach Manot made people not want to be Jewish. And now we have to find a way to get rid of it before Pesach... Simmy. Your Kaddish was off. You ruined everybody's mourning... Your father would’ve never wanted you to get every mourner in shul frustrated. H' wants happy mourners... It was two beats off. You don’t canon Kaddish. I believe that Phil was more angry about this Kaddish than his wife passing away... And then the mourners are still getting over Shiva and how the community stopped bringing them food after they got up from Shiva. Where is Gd’s Presence if there is no food... Leftovers at a meal are necessary. Leftover Halloween candy that you can't even throw at a Bar Mitzvah kid is not wanted... You don't throw chocolate with bunny rabbits at a Bar Mitzvah either. It's about cooking a lot. That is Gd's way when it comes to food. That is what makes a Jewish holiday... You guys never cook enough. I always need to eat leftovers at home. That is not Gd's way. Gd likes brisket. A lot of it. Is there Gd's presence where there is no brisket?... This was not a Seudah. It was a Purim snack. If you call it a meal, make sure it’s a meal. If there aren’t leftovers, there wasn’t enough. And H's presence is not felt. At least we have leftover Purim Danish... Because nobody ate it, Bernie. They didn't like it. It's not Hamentashen. It's Danishtashen. Because somehow the Danish wanted to hang Mordechai... Rivka's Rundown Yeah. Why do I pay for the shul meals when I have to cook a meal for the shul meal?! The rabbi is so correct. Where there is no food, there is no Gd's presence. And then idol worship happens. It's because of poppy seed Hamentashen. I got the worst packages. Halloween leftovers. It took me thirteen Mishloach Manot to finally realize people were giving me Snickers. I don’t like the Hershkovitzs anymore. Chutzpah to give a Mishloach Manot in a grocery bag. That much junk! And then with a smilie face on it. Chutzpah. Like they're rubbing it in that their house is now clean. Next year, I'm dumping everything I don't want in their Mishloach Manot. If I have a tin that's questionable recycle, I'm putting it on them. Let them figure it out. They're also getting open bags of licorice. The stale ones. Shul right after the Purim Seudah is not the greatest idea. It turns out they Daven slower when they're drunk. My husband didn't make it home till 11pm due to a very long LCha Dodi Nay Nay Nay extension. The children's connection to shul and Gd is a bouncy house. That is their temple. I was against the bouncy shul when the board proposed it. However, I do feel it would bring a lot more youth to our congregation. It was Hamentashen. It’s just that the local bakery makes Hamentashen with their Danish recipe. Between us, it's a scam. You think you're getting Hamentashen, and then you're getting a triangle blueberry Danish. And that's supposed to be Jewish. After the Hershkovitzs gave us that mound of trash, we were not happy. We took it out on the rest of the community. We made a Bar Mitzvah candy stoning pile and started throwing it at whoever showed up at our door and gave us Mishloach Manot. Hopefully, next Purim we will have no friends. Who needs friends when you can't even tell if it's a Snickers bar. A whole grocery bag and we thought it was a Mars bar the whole time. The Kaddish is truly off. I don’t even know when to say Amen. And then to see the angry looks. Phil even said, “My wife died for this?!” Tags:
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Announcements
Our speaker this week will be giving a talk in support of Israel. There should be no talking during her presentation. It's not Davening. We ask that people keep the talking down in shul. We understand that you will not hold back from conversation. We just ask you to keep at an inside voice. Yelling about your child’s little league baseball success during Musaf is not necessary. You must be quiet for Parshat Zachor. It’s a commandment to hear it, so don’t talk. It’s not a Mitzvah to hear about Mini’s nieces. We must erase the memory of Amalek. We are trying to forget the membership of the shul. This Thursday night is Purim. We ask that Mike doesn’t dress up. His tight clothing scares the children. Contemporary Halacha Class: Being Loud When You Hear Haman, Like Mini Talking in Shul. How The Congregants in Our Shul are a Type of Haman (this class will be given by congregants). Why Mike Lost Custody of His Children and How That Relates to Grownups in Costume. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We would like to call up Dafney for Israel... I don’t know if Dafney is a Hebrew name. But she’s for Israel... Thank you. Beautiful speech about how Israel accepts homosexuals... What Dafney was saying is that Israel is accepting. Like the Ephod and Choshen that had the names of all the tribes... Sadie. Good question. Homosexual is not a tribe... When we crossed the Jordan, they were not allotted the land of Tel Aviv... When we look to our Parsha, we see the importance of clothing. You make clothes correctly... Many homosexuals do dress well. That is true. At least they were suits that fit. Unlike the men sitting in the back left... Clothes have meaning. You don’t just buy a suit from Kohl’s and call it a day. You get a tailor, so you don’t look like Bernie... You check for Shatnez and make sure it fits, Bernie. You’re swimming in the thing... Well. Husky is one size too many nowadays. You’re either in the mob, or you lost three hundred pounds, or your suit is from 1991. (Shemot 28:31) The Kohen Gadol's robe and the Ephod were turquoise wool. Looked good. A nice color. Not puke brown... (Shemot 28:33-35) The robe had to have pomegranates with gold bells all around. “...and he shall not die.” You have to make noise. You have to let H’ know you’re coming... Not like Reuven who has a conversation with Shloimi in the back of shul. Gd knows you’re talking... You're very loud when you talk. You all have to stop sneaking up on me with messed up questions at Kiddish. Announce it. Don’t announce it like Felvel’s suit... It’s too loud... Next time you come up to me and whisper a dumb question, I will attack you. You will die. The point is you dress nicely, and you don't scare people. You don't popup in shul dressed like Mike... Everybody loves greenish blue... Of course, not real pomegranates. That would stain the turquoise... Even your costumes are not appropriate for shul... Well, you could've dressed like a Mensch. Why did none of our congregants dress like a Mensch for Purim??? Your Purim costumes are not right. If the Kohen Gadol wore those into the Kodesh Kadashim, he would die... This is where “I would not be caught dead in that shirt” comes from. I hope we're not doing a costume parade this year. It's Asur. It's like Mardi Gras with a bunch of people who are not enjoying it... Jews don't smile when they dress in costumes if there is no alcohol involved... Grownups in costumes, like a teapot is scary to children. Grownups in costumes are considered not right for neighborhoods or our shul, Mike. Tight teapots are forbidden... Well, Mike, it keeps families from coming to shul for the holidays... Thank you for intertwining Purim and our shul, and how it would be a great Purim if our congregants were not in this shul anymore. Beautiful Dafney... I thought our members only talked when I’m talking. It turns out they talk whenever they have the chance to disrupt... It’s not Davening. Do you always talk in shul?! Is it just a thing that you can’t help. You come to shul and you feel, “Now is the time to talk”?!... Well Reuven. You're too loud... Then keep it down... You keep it down?! You shushed the Chazin. Told him he was ruining your conversation. "We are talking about my upcoming vacation to Panama.” The Kohen Gadol didn’t walk around talking to people about where they’re vacationing for Pesach. That conversation was not part of the service when he was atoning for your sins... We're about to read Parshat Zachor. Can you be quiet for that?! Just for that! I am not asking you to not talk for Dafney. You already talked during her speech... You have to remember Amalek to wipe them out... I do not know if Bernie is part of Amalek. We have to erase the memory of Amalek and the board. I am trying to erase the memory of the shul... And we remember. Just as Aharon wore the names of the tribes, we remember how disruptive our congregants are, and how not put together they look. And we must wipe out Amalek... We are all part of this community. Likutei Sichot of the Chabad Rebbe (vol.21 p186-187) teaches that the pomegranates represented the seemingly empty Jews, that are filled with seeds. The Kohen Gadol had to represent them. Empty Jews, i.e. our congregants... And yes. We include the Jews of Tel Aviv. Shloimi... Why is Shloimi talking to me now?! The Kohen Gadol didn’t wear the pomegranates and bells on his robe on Yom Kippur, because on that day we are all holy. Even the members of our shul that look like shlubs and talk all of Davening. And you don’t mess up your clothes as much, as your shoes can’t be leather... Pomegranates rub off the leather easier than Converse All Stars... The Jews with empty questions. I will stab you. Come up to me, like a Mensch. Come to shul dressed like a Mensch. It's not Yom Kippur... This has nothing to do with the Purim and Yom Kippurim Drasha... Rivka's Rundown Based on what we learn from the Kohen Gadol, our rabbi suggested he would shoot the next person who asked him a question at Kiddish. The rabbi threatened the congregation. After the rabbi let the membership know they will be stabbed if they come to him with a dumb question, nobody came to the rabbi for a couple of weeks. To quote our rabbi: "This has been the best two weeks of my tenure. I still had to see the congregants." People ended up not giving any money for Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts for the poor on Purim, because the rabbi hadn't told them how much to give, and they were too afraid to ask. The board didn't like the rabbi's threats, but they were too afraid to fire him. Which brought in a new era of the rabbi taking more vacation days without notice. I agree with the rabbi. Our congregants are pomegranates. They stain things. The rabbi gave the speech before reading Parshat Zachor today, because the message of people not talking was necessary to hear about killing Amalek, and how our congregants have annoying questions and don't dress like Menschin. How the rabbi got the no talking from wearing nice clothes and staining nice clothes with pomegranates, that is the brilliance of our leader. I agree with the rabbi. It would be nice if everybody wore turquoise. I would also like to not be surprise by our congregants coming over to me in Kiddish. I would like to see them from far away, so I could know if they were inching closer for conversation, so I could run. If they had on turquoise, I would be able to notice them better. Turquoise has that pop that I can catch with the corner of my eye, as Felvel is approaching the choolante. The only meaning of the clothes I see in the men’s section is that our congregants don’t care how they look. The old suit styles are like a Purim costumes. It's like those clown pants that people start walking out of. I will say that grownups in costume is wrong. You report that. You see a fifty year old in Barney walking down the street, that's a predator. You keep him away from the kids. Even if he's a hired entertainer. You keep kids away. Any grownup dressed as a teapot with tights, you report that. A Mensch would be a good costume. I've never seen one of our members dressed like one of those. The costume parade was messed up. It looked like a bunch of little kids not walking correctly. Orthotics. The amount of kids in our shul that need orthotics is messed up. Maybe it was the huge costumes that weighed them down in weird ways forcing them to wobble, maybe it was that they just had to go to the bathroom. I think it was orthotics. The rabbi called Dafney off the Bima in two minutes. She went off on how Israel should be loved because of homosexuality. The rabbi was fine with that. He just didn't think that would speak to the Muslim population that supports Gaza in our shul. Dafney only had a few people talking during her two-minute speech. After the rabbi told off the shul, and said shut up for Dafney, she got in a good paragraph of Israel advocacy. Then the rabbi threw her off the Bima. She was an excellent scholar-in-residence. Her speech costed the shul 3k. They talk so much. I think they forget they're in shul. That is the men in the back left. They even shushed some of the children. In the middle of the Torah service I heard Shloimi say, "Dad is trying to talk." I asked why he brought his kid to shul to shush him. He said shushing his kid is part of Chinuch, Jewish education. The rabbi suggested the congregants never talk. To quote, "Our relationship with Gd would be better if He didn't hear you." I don’t remember hearing Parshat Zachor. I only remember Shloimi screaming at his kid for talking when he was talking. Hearing Parshat Zachor is a commandment. So is honoring your parents. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Terumah2/28/2025
Announcements
We ask the men stop following the Torah with their eyes when we're walking around with the Torah. It's wrong to use the Torah for ulterior motives, such as checking out women. And it’s creepy Pinny. We understand you’re single, but it’s creepy. Song clappers are not better than anybody else. We ask that our members clap at a normal level of clap. We don’t need clapping showoffs in our shul. Clapping and jumping! We notice you. Baalei Gayva. We’re taking sermon donations. This week’s sermon is sponsored in honor of Mrs. Finkelwitz’s 90th birthday. The family wants everybody to know she’s suffered through sermons for 90 years. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Check Out Women Properly, at Kiddish. How to Be Noticed at Shul by Starting a Dance. How to Take Donations for Everything with Our Shul Board. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 26:9) "Fold the sixth sheet over the front of the tent.” So that it looks good. The shul’s curtain hasn’t been cleaned in years... Steam it. At least get out the folds. It’s not a non-iron curtain. The ark is a crease-iron curtain... They didn’t have non-iron curtains in the Tabernacle. The Mishkan had quality curtains... (Shemot 26:11) “...joining the tent together so that it becomes one.” Unlike our shul when it sings Adon Olam. It sounds like a hundred different songs, joining together into a hundred different unique songs of non-unison. Which sounds like people not singing along... I like the rhyming structure of the sermon as well, Sadie. Thank you. The sheets... Curtains Bernie. Yes. They’re bigger than sheets. It wasn’t bedding. The curtains join and become one. That is how the building is made for service of Gd... It’s not made with community quilts. You connect them right. You have the right holes and connections. You don’t have a board messing it up, with a president who has never hung anything in his life. You fold it nicely, unlike Pinny who’s never helped fold sheets in his house. He’s probably the reason for the messed up community quilt. All creased... And then, without the board, “It will be one"... The board would've ruined the Mishkan. And there are other coverings to make it look nice. Point is that you make the House of Gd look nice... A better paint job than stucco. We join as one, as the Mishkan, to make it beautiful... Joining as one does not mean singing "Etz Chaim Hi" so you can check out the women... It’s a Torah. It should not be used to check out the ladies in the front row. They’re kissing the Torah. It doesn’t mean they’re going to kiss you... Shloimi, get your head out of the Chumash. Becoming "one" means everybody together. It doesn't mean standing out with unified claps. The clappers are Baalei Gayva. Showing off... And they do the clap with that jump dance... You're doing it to be noticed. Nobody claps and jumps with the airplane dance in the middle of the Torah service to be discreet. I want to see any of you do that to not be noticed... Simcha is the only one who should be clapping. Simcha’s clap is inspired... Mazel Tov Mrs. Finkelwitz. You bring community together, just like my Drashas. My sermons bring community together. Your donation for the sermon will be used to bring the community together with better congregants... Rivka's Rundown The main takeaway from the sermon is that our shul's board would've ruined the Mishkan. It’s good our congregants didn’t help make the Tabernacle. If it was anything like the BBQ last week, in the snow, which didn’t get started, nothing would’ve come together. Pinny has definitely never folded anything in his life. If he had to iron anything, he would burn it. I always wondered why the guys all stood up and looked at the Chazin carrying the Torah back to the ark. It’s because they were walking near the women’s section and the guys were checking us out for Shidduchim. Some of the disgusting guys were hoping for more divorces. And they all sound inspired with Etz Chaim Hi. They’re just excited to think they might have a chance with Ruchel. This is why Pinny always shows off. He thinks he has a chance with Ruchel, so he starts clapping. The clappers have a lot of gall, always looking around when they're clapping. And there isn’t even a Torah to pretend they're not checking out everybody. The Torah's put back, it's the Kedusha in Musaf and they're bouncing and clapping, checking to see if Ruchel notices the loudness of their clap. I love how the clappers pretend like they're trying to be humble. And then they close their eyes. I've never seen somebody close their eyes so loudly. The singing in our shul is truly not in unison. I don't think anybody could argue that, especially once Pinny started his clapping to an applause beat during "Adon Olam." The shul is now taking sermon donations???!!! They take donations for Shalishudis, for Kiddish. No shame. Everything is a donation. The even auctioned off wings at the BBQ. I’m sure they’re going to start taking donations for Shacharit, sponsoring praying to Gd. Upon seeing Pinny clapping, they started taking donations for following the Torah with your eyes. The shul board said it was for a good cause. The following week, no single women showed to shul. The rabbi just said the donation for the sermon will be used to get better congregants. How? No idea. But the shul is making money off it. I think the rabbi truly wanted to say he doesn't like the membership. That was the message of the sermon. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Mishpatim2/23/2025
Announcements
We want to welcome Quevo to the congregation. It’s a great pleasure to have somebody who sounds so authentic when he prays. You and your family are very unique Jews. To quote Sharon, “They sound like real Jews. They might even be Sefardi.” We want to welcome all of the guests who came for the Berkstein Bar Mitzvah, who decided to vacation by us in cold. The shul ski trip has been cancelled. It has been decided that the trip would be better spent at a hotel without a slope. People who are out skiing don’t want to be told by members of the sisterhood that it’s dangerous and they’re going to catch pneumonia. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Different Kinds of Jews and How Not Everybody that is Jewish is Ashkenazi. Worst Places to Have Bar Mitzvahs. How to Catch Pneumonia by Listening to Our Congregants. How to Ruin Anything Fun- given by our sisterhood. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 22:6-15) If you’re watching something and you mess up, you have to pay for it... Like your kids. Gd gave you your kids and you mess them up... Mark. You don’t even watch your kids. And they’re still messed up... They’re messed up, Bernie. Have you seen these kids running around shul. If something gets stolen and you are benefiting from it, you're responsible when it’s under your guardianship. You have messed up the shul... A lot. Generations paid for our president to mess up this place. To take the money and mess it up... The roof is not leaking. Every year, you take the money from Bernie's grandparents, who people liked, unlike Bernie, and you fix the roof again... Then when you use the money to fix it, fix it... You're responsible for your animal, your child, even if it's just grazing. Have you seen your kid at Kiddish, sucking up Stella D'oros off the floor?! You have to pay the best of the field (Shemot 22:4). Your kids are a bunch of animals running around the shul, ruining stuff. You pay. You give the shul the best carpet... I've seen the Persian rug in your living room... A rug is a carpet. I think we have a congregational consensus... You give the shul the best Tonka truck. You give the candy man the best candies. These kids grazing lollipops... The candy man gets Tangy Taffy. The purple one... If they don't make it anymore, find it. It's about taking responsibility. And responsibility means giving of the best, and firing the president... Take responsibility. Responsibility when something is under your control, like your messed up kids. Responsibility for your racism. What's this big deal about "Sefardic Jews"? "Authentic"???! "He sounds Jewish"?! You’re racist... Not all Jews are Eastern European. And it's more offensive to Ashkenazi Jews. Felvel sounds very authentic for somebody who immigrated 70 years ago. Felvel still sounds like he lives in a Shtetl... That's authentic, Kerri. It’s Asur to be racist... Ashkenazim are not American Jews. You said you’re impressed with the “accent of those people.” "Those people" is racist. It's same as saying, "Stay away from them. They're going to take your money"... Sefardic Jews don't take your money. AShkenazi Jews are also authentic. Authentic and racist. It’s about taking responsibility and raising your kids right, so they don’t graze... Who goes someplace colder, without a ski slope... I understand it’s your nephew, but you should’ve skipped Dov’s Bar Mitzvah... Take responsibility for the worst Bar Mitzvah. It's not the best of Bar Mitzvahs. And Dov messed up Layning. Worst Torah reading... Who doesn't ski, but wants a hotel on a slope... You like sloped hotels?! Not one of you has ever skied. You’ve sat in the lodge. A hotel makes more sense... You should've had a destination Bar Mitzvah. Away from the shul... You guys make me sick. Thought I would put that in there. I'm taking responsibility for how annoying of a congregation this is... It's about thinking about others. About not taking them to a Bar Mitzvah where they're going to freeze. It's about allowing Quevo to be Eastern European.... The point is to be kind and nice to people. That is the basis of responsibility. Caring about others when you mess up. And that means congregants... (Shemot 22:20) “Do not taunt or oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” I feel like a stranger in this shul, with people that do the dumbest things. A bunch of Vilde Chayas. People that say the dumbest things. "Quevo is Sefardi." We have to accept it... Well, you’re accepting your kids too much. And Quevo is an Eastern European Mizrachi Jew. Do unto others as you would want done to you... We were slaves Bernie... Right now, we're slaves to America, with three story homes and backyards, and three car garages, and vacations down to Florida. Slaves, Bernie. Slaves. Have you heard the sisterhood when they're cooking?! "We're slaving in the kitchen..." Be kind and watch your kids. Do your part as parents... Mark is just a messed-up dad. Don’t have him watching over your kids... When you give something to somebody, to make up for what you did, you give the best. It’s about the importance of others. You give your rabbi a raise. The best raise... Ski lodges are not the best, if you’re not skiing. Rivka's Rundown Finally, a rabbi who doesn't want kids around. The main point of the sermon is the kids of the shul are animals. The kids in our shul are messed up. Especially the Simchovitz twins. It might be that I am just always seeing one of them cause trouble, and then I think it's one kid. But it's two messed up kids. If I split up the annoyance of the Simchovitz twins, they might be better than Mark's kids. It's just that they're identical. The rabbi loves the kids, he just doesn't want to see them. Because the parents are messed up. Come to think about it, I think the rabbi was telling the parents they're messed up, through talking about their kids. Especially Mark. Mark is messed up. I don't like the idea of the people of our shul taking responsibility for anything. They'll just mess it up. The president is definitely syphoning funds for dumb ideas, like the winter barbeque. Everybody thought it was a brilliant idea. And nobody showed up because, as the president said, "It was too cold." Quevo sounds Jewish. It just is what it is. It's that Middle Eastern sounding thing. "Those people" is a very racist thing to say. Same with “authentic.” “They say” is also racist. Anytime you’re vague, you’re being racist. That’s how my parents did it. “Don’t go shopping late at night. Those people are there.” Those people were never Ashkenazim. I always thought it was authentic people that were giving over the weather. “They say it’s going to be cold out.” Anything Quevo does now is considered Jewish, because his accent sounds Israeli. Everybody trusts him and nobody listens to the rabbi. Our congregants are enamored by Sefardic Jews. They were so enamored by Quevo, they started touching his face. One member said it feels different. I think that's because Quevo has a beard. The rabbi was suggesting he wanted the Bar Mitzvah to take place away from the shul, so he wouldn't have to be there. The Bar Mitzvah was spent with people trying to keep warm. A lot of shivering guests. They came and complained about snow the whole time. Some of us brought up the idea of a coat in February. Between us, you have to be a fool to leave Florida in the winter. What I got from the sermon was that people have to take responsibility for when they mess up, and they have to pay back with the best. And the Bar Mitzvah family messed up by bringing everybody to Topeka during the winter. And for that, they have to give good canty. Tangy Taffy is the best candy. It's a shame they don't make it anymore. If they handed out Tangy Taffy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, nobody would throw it. Our sisterhood at a ski slope is a Chilul H’. A desecration of Gd's name. They go and cook and tell people they’re going to catch pneumonia. There are places for us to be Jewish mothers. A ski slope is not one of them. The gym is also not a good place for Jewish mothers. Nobody needs one of us spotting them in the middle of a set. With three-hundred pounds of weight in their arms, they don't need to hear me yelling, "Why are you lifting so much?! It's dangerous!" The class on catching pneumonia from congregants was a class given by the rabbi about how they make him sick. After the class he didn’t show to shul for a week. He got pneumonia. Tags:
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Announcements
The food drive for the homeless brought in some excellent steaks. Prime cuts. It is very kind and thoughtful of our community to think of the homeless, giving them due respect of having fridges and grills in their tents on the streets. We will not be planting a tree in the middle of the sanctuary for Tu BShvat, as the board suggested. The rabbi says it feels like it's idol worship. He also said treating Mark kindly because he is a fool who has money is idol worship, even if he has an Olympic pool and pickleball court in the backyard. He’s also sure that the president of the shul is a heretic. Shul Notice: Dried fruit will also make you fat. We will host a Tu BShvat Seder for all the heretics. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Help the Homeless Like our Sisterhood. How to Not Have a Shul Full of Idol worshipers or Congregants. How to Keep the Laws of Tu BShvat and Not Be A Religious Jew. How Our Congregants Find a Way to Put On Weight Even When There is No Holiday. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s Shabbat Shira, The Sabbath of Song, and we’re asking our congregants to not sing... Have you heard yourself sing? Bernie. You sound like a congregant... (Shemot 14:15) At the sea, with the Egyptians right there and the Jews crying, H’ says to Moshe, “Why do you cry out to me, speak to the children of Israel and journey.” Sometimes you have to do stuff. Stop talking. Stop praying and do stuff. Turn to Shimon and say, "Stop coughing already." Stop praying for Merv to stop telling you jokes. Tell him, "We've already heard the joke about the priest. We didn't like it. We're not going to like it now." Let the sisterhood know you don't want dried figs at Kiddish, just because Tu BShvat is coming up. Sometimes you have to do... Your prayers aren’t answered because you sing bad. Your harmony is off. Sometimes we have to depend on ourselves. Which is hard with our shul board... First you have to do something and fire the board. Hishtadlus. Gd steps in when you don't have a shul board... Because they will ruin it. They ruin everything. Rashi’s first teaching is that Moshe was praying at this moment. H’ is saying when Israel is in distress, it’s not the time for lengthy prayer. Between us. It's easier to pray than to be out there fighting the war. It's also easier to pray than to be out there raising money and sending money and clothes to our brethren and sisteren in Israel... Shira. You do a great job praying. You've given nothing... Prayer is important. But we must act... You say one Tehillim Shira. Then you're off to the salon. You have a lot more time. The point is what you do with the sisterhood isn't helpful. Raising money for Israel to host a falafel night for the sisterhood does not help Israel... There are times for action. The food drive is not the kind of action we are talking about. We’re talking about helpful action... I took the steak... Homeless people don’t have fridges. They’re homeless. What are they going to do with steak?... Invite them to your home and cook it for them. In the meantime, I took the steak... Your actions are idol worship. A tree in the middle of the shul?! It’s like you want to turn our shul into Rockefeller Center. Last year you asked for an ice skating rink around the Bima... Idol worship. Every one of you... Pickleball with a heretic is idol worship. Be it Mark or the shul president... Mark's dues make him a Tzadik. He pays dues. So, we like him. But you shouldn't look up to him... Dues are different. Dues are Teshuva. Repentance... Actions affect us even if we don't know how. How the board can be so annoying. I don't know. It just is. How does healthy food make you fat? I don’t know. I just know Shlomo and Hana put on thirty pounds last Tu BShvat. Dried fruit and nuts. The Tu BShvat Seder did it... Dried fruit will make you fat. SO2 keeps it in you longer. The sulfur dioxide just keeps the fat there... Other stuff also puts weight on you. Your Nishama Yeteira, the extra Shabbat soul, should not be there all week... Ms. Melsowitz. You have four Nishama Yeteiras. I suggest you get rid of three of them. You only need one extra soul. It's action. We pray for positive action... Is Tu BShvat Seder positive? Good religious Jews don’t care about the environment. When you have fifteen kids, you use plastic... I didn’t say to not pray. Sometimes action is needed. H’ will do His part. But you have to stop complaining. Shimon. You don't deserve an Aliyah this week... Do something positive with your lives and Gd might help. Maybe pay your dues and the shul will have a better Kiddish and a fixed leak. You come and pray for it. How about you pay for it... And you all complain about dried fruit hurting your stomachs. Always complaining, like the Jews being chased by the Egyptians... (Shemot 14:12) “It’s better for us to serve Egypt than to die in the desert.” Well is it? Let's see. It's definitely not better to be the rabbi at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... They were willing to go back to Egypt and be slaves. Is that really living?! Sometimes you have to take a stand and say, “No. There will not be a tree in this shul. And I can't stand the Chazin. The president. And now the sisterhood is having perishable food drives for homeless people...” Are you really living if you’re not eating dried fruit?! If your fruit is fresh, is that living, or servitude?! And why dried fruit in the food drive? Are you trying to kill homeless people's stomachs?! This Shabbat Shira, before Tu BShvat, I just pray we can hear the beautiful sound of nature and not have to listen to congregants complaining. May we not hear the sounds of our congregation, or witness any of their actions... I fear the actions of our board. You mess up stuff. Maybe our congregation should just pray. Pray with no song... Just say the "Az Yashir." Rivka's Rundown Thank Gd it was Shabbat. Otherwise, the women would've brought out their hand drums. “You sound like a congregant” is a hurtful statement. I've heard them sing. The rabbi is sick of hearing the congregants complain. Yet, he says it's better than them singing. This is why he is also fine with them praying in spoken form. It was the only good falafel night we've had. I commend the sisterhood on that. Israel got no money from it. But we did feel Israeli solidarity with good falafel. I like to think that our eating falafel touched the hearts of our brothers and sisters in Israel. The rabbi took all perishable items. Including steak, salmon, and hamburgers somebody grilled and dropped off for the homeless. He took them home, put it in his freezer. As he said, "I haven't received a raise in five years. Two hundred dollars of ribeye is a start." It was the first time a food drive included cooked food in a home the homeless weren’t invited to. It was almost as helpful as our eating falafel was to Israel. It was the closest our shul ever came to a food kitchen. To quote the president of our sisterhood, “We don’t feed people in our food kitchen." Anything that seems like something they would do in Manhattan for Xmas, the board feels is a good design for our shul. It’s that whole HGTV thing. It’s good the rabbi banned HGTV watching. I also couldn’t stand listening to them and their 200k home renovation concepts on their 125k homes. Since our congregants stopped watching HGTV, they've been focusing on their cars. One put turning gold rims on their Ford Fusion. I believe the rabbi was teaching us that Mark's money is good if it is given for to the shul. Otherwise, forbidden. The rabbi's main lesson of Tu BShvat this year is that natural foods that are full of SO2 and sugar can also make you fat. The rabbi did make it clear that the Nishama Yetira can get heavy. That definitely helped bring down the amount of food consumption at Kiddish. All the heretics will definitely show up for the Tu BSHvat Seder. To quote our rabbi, "Only heretics keep Jewish traditions that connect the earth to Gd. The rest of the good Jews eat deli." "Come and pray for it. How about pay for it." That quote lost us half the membership. Tags:
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What do little kids love to eat on Chanukah in the sea? A Sufganiah. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The Yam Suf. Sea of Reeds. A Gan is a nursery school. “Iah.” I have no idea what that means. This is what makes this pun riddle unique. The answer is a surprise. Something you would never get. With a good pun, like a good pop quiz, you want to keep them guessing. She was skipping school for her Chanukah job. So, her parents Gelted her into going back to school. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Chanukah Gelt (money). Guilted her with cash. Gelted her into it... Gelt’s more convincing. Especially when you're trying to make money. Artscroll put out a special Chumash for Breslovers. The Stoned Edition. (Mordechai) You get it? Artscroll has a Stone Edition. Stoned Edition is for people who smoke up. Some NaNach Breslov Chasidim have a reputation... Someone will get mad at this. I know. And almost every Breslover I know doesn't get high. But there are those who do. So, let's focus on them for this pun... Ripping out paper from the Stoned Edition to roll is Asur. Asarah BTevet was only ten hours. Boy. It was fast. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Asarah BTevet is a fast. The fast only lasted ten hours. That’s fast. The fast was fast. And then that little extra "ten" for the Tenth of Tevet. The fast comes out on the tenth. A little extra topping on that pun for you. Paroh had compassion on the wine steward, because he was pour. The baker had a lot of dough. (Mordechai) You get it? Poor. It should've been "poor." We wrote “pour.” He poured stuff. We misspelled poor so you could enjoy the pun. Then the extra with the baker and dough. Dough meaning money here, but could mean dough for baking... The pun might have been best three weeks ago. Better than getting it three weeks ago, you get two puns in one. Why is a navy boat that isn’t moving against Torah? It’s an idle warship. (Mordechai) You get it? Idle. Read it “idol worship,” and it will mean something totally different. And it will also sound different. It’s in one spot, hence it’s idolatry. If it would be moving, it would be a boat praying to Gd. When Jews pray, they sway. Thought that last part added a little meaning. We like for our puns to touch people. What do you call it when shorter people do Avodah Zarah? Idolabush. (Mordechai) You get it? Avodah Zarah is idolatry. Say “Idolatree.” Now you’re catching on. Taller idolaters worship trees. Shorter idolaters worship a bush. Wait. Idolashrub. How about that? Idolashrub. For even shorter people. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaEra1/26/2025
Announcements
Congregants should not be scared of the terrorist prisoner release. Our shul has dealt with college students for the past few years. We understand ceasefires are a scary thing. But know you’ve already lived through college students. The rabbi says moving to Israel is the right thing to do. To quote our rabbi: “Moving to Israel and selling your house ensures you are not in Topeka. You already haven’t paid your dues.” The Gabai is allowed to give Haftorah to whomever he would like. It is part of the services. Even if you are usually at Kiddish club getting drunk during the Haftorah, it’s still part of the services. The rabbi can give it to you. And you will have to read not under the influence. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Fight Off College Students Without the Help of Tzahal. You Moving to Israel: How to Bring Shalom to Our Shul. Why Leaving Services to Get Drunk Might Not Be the Right Thing to Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are all affected by our previous actions. Which is why the members of this congregation are so messed up. Previous actions is also the reason we are still having the Walk for Our Elders in the Snow Fundraiser... It’s freezing and last year three of our senior citizens caught pneumonia. But dumb decisions lead to dumb decisions and that is why we have our board... (Shemot 7:3) Gd says, “And I will harden Paroh’s heart.” Everybody is always worried "but Paroh didn't have free will." Nobody cares about the fact he was whipping Jews. He was murdering little babies, but you're worried about Paroh's mental well-being. Paroh needs a safe space to express himself. If that means murdering Jewish babies... Does H’ really harden Paroh’s heart. The commentaries teach that it’s habit. It’s habit that causes us not to change. It’s habit that makes us evil. We get used to something and at that point, our hearts are hardened. And then you have our board... Congregants give up. No need for me to go into detail about how none of our members help the elderly anymore... H’ does that final action. He’s there to aid us in our stupid... You guys go out to drink. You’re used to it. You come to shul to drink. Most come to Daven. You come to drink. Because that's your habit. Your free will that turned into a fixed state of drunkenness... You should participate in the services. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah so he could participate... First time you didn’t get drunk at services since your Bar Mitzvah... That’s what Haftorahs do. They keep you from the Kiddish Club and sober for Musaf... First time you've read Haftorah not under the influence, and you still made mistakes... Your family was definitely drinking at your Bar Mitzvah. Having to listen to you reading up there. Let's talk about the Kiddish Club for a second. The club with all the hardened hearts of the fools.... That's what alcohol does. It brings out the fools. What kind of club is it? What's the goal of the club? To get you drunk for Musaf. The Freemasons are looking to build a better future. The Kiddish Club is there to get out of prayers and come back in a way that lets your kids down... Yonatan. Your children are going to show up to shul and have flashbacks to Musaf with drunk dad puking on them. You're the only club that makes it a point to not help. Even the sisterhood does more than you. The point of the club is to get out of Davening... That’s the right of the Levis and Cohens. They can leave services to wash hands... I know some of them don’t come back. But at least they leave for the right reasons... Our congregants leaving is a good thing. Which is why you should move to Israel. All Kiddish Club members should move to Israel. Moving to Israel is the right thing. Yishuv HaAretz... Yishuv HaAretz has nothing to do with a huge hotel breakfast... When you move there, you can’t afford the huge breakfast. Unless at the Dead Sea. It's cheaper there for some reason. The huge breakfast is for tourists. They call it the Israeli breakfast, because tourists who visit Israelis can afford it. You should move to Israel... Jobs?! H’ provides in Israel... H' hardens the hearts of the Kiddish Club and provides in Israel. What do you do here that’s helpful... You make money, but you’re not helpful. It’s safe in Israel. I’m sending you to the Jewish homeland. With terrorists right there... Well. We have college students here. Being scared is a habit. No matter what the habit, you get stuck there. It's a habit and your heart is stuck. If it's drinking, killing people, or not moving from Topeka. You're scared, because you're stuck... You even wrote to Bibi to send soldiers to our shul to help fight off students. Some of these college campuses are full of terrorists... Students. Terrorists. Activists. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. At least you can see the face of the terrorists... I’m not scared to move to Israel. I’ve had to deal with the congregants already... Your heart has been hardened to Aliyah. To moving to Israel... Moshe had a hard time and was scared. He didn’t know how to lead. How to speak up. Kind of like the president of our shul. But he was self-aware... Maybe he didn’t have a Jewish day school education. Egyptian public schools do not make orators. Again. Moshe expresses his worry and tells H’ (Shemot 6:30) “I have sealed lips, so how will Paroh obey me.” If you can't talk, who will listen?... I know you don't listen to my Dvar Torahs, Bernie. I get it... His lips were hardened. Again, habit. A habit that wouldn't be a bad thing if Bernie adopted it. How do we get out of this rut? How do we change our habits of being a congregant and drunk? How does one not be scared anymore? How do unharden the heart of the board? How do congregants move to Israel? (Shemot 7:1) H’ tells Moshe, “See. I have made you a master to Paroh, and Aharon, your brother. will be your spokesman...” The Kiddish Club just can't stop talking. That's not a help. H' is telling Moshe that the way to get out of this habit is to know that there are others to help. There is Aharon there to help him change his habit. His worry. His fear. And I have a fear that old people walking in the frozen snow is not healthy... We have to depend on others sometimes. His brother. Right there. Right in front of him. That is the one who is there to help. And Moshe couldn't see that. The same way the board can't see that the programming in this shul is messed up, and that the shul would be better if most of the congregants moved to Israel... With the help of his brother, he was able to be a master. Once he looked outside of himself, he was able to have belief. When I look outside of this congregations, the world is beautiful... In order to deal with our demons. Our habits of destruction, we have to just look outside ourselves for that help. Then maybe you will leave this shul and move to Israel. And stop your habits of Davening drunk. If Paroh would've just seen outside his desire for power and hatred of Jews... Why are you still worried about Paroh not having free choice. Maybe we can work together and stop the habit of killing babies... May all the hostages and their families be comforted, and have strength and Bracha... You say you need to drink. Don’t look to Merv for help. His jokes will have you wanting to drink more. Look to Sadie. The only decent one in this shul. She will help our people. She'll stop you from talking... If the congregation just didn't talk... Rivka's Rundown The elderly winter walk is not smart. To quote the rabbi, "Almost as dumb as our shul's president." Should've done that program in the summer, when our seniors can go outside without thirty layers. For the walk last year, there was a heater truck moving really slowly in front of the walk for elders. The truck turned all the snow on the sidewalk into slush. It ripped up the city park's grass. And everybody came out of it feeling sicker, due to wet feet turned frostbitten. Why the seniors had to do the walk for elder's health in minus five-degree weather still has me questioning. The rabbi likened the worry for Paroh to the whole Gaza thing. How these people are trying to kill us, and everybody is worried about their living situation. Got to worry about the terrorists and how they were "raised to hate Jews. It's not their fault." I’m worried for our brethren. How about they don't try to kill us. I think that's an idea. Some congregants came to the rabbi and said, "Well, Hamas and the Gazans. Gd hardened their heart. It's not their fault." The rabbi told them, "You're fools." I believe that was his simple response. What the rabbi was teaching is that evil is built up until all of their choices are evil. Or to be more exact, and all of their choices are "we hate Jews. Like the president of our shul." I still think he's looking for a raise. Fact is that they’re everywhere. I’ve never been so scared of a ceasefire. It seems that ceasefire means terrorists our on the streets. It always seems like there's more danger when we put down our weapons. The fact we survived college students is very empowering. The rabbi wrote a letter regarding the ceasefire. Very uninspiring. He said nothing. He just wrote, “It should be for Bracha.” Absolutely nothing. And nobody was mad, or comforted. He says "Bracha" and everybody loves him. You can be deathly ill and he'll say, "It should be for Bracha." It sounds good. Almost as good as saying "Mazel Tov." Maybe he should've wrote, "Mazel Tov." That would've been a good response to the release of terrorists. A celebratory reaction. The move to Israel didn't happen. Once they realized the jobs don't pay as much, they decided it wasn't a Jewish value or Mitzvah to go to Israel. "Hearts hardened to moving to Israel." Brilliant. The rabbi likened the congregants to Paroh. Love it. Why the rabbi hasn't moved to Israel is still a question. He brings up moving all the time, and he hates the shul. The rabbi just wanted to get rid of the congregants. They could’ve moved to Costa Rica. Anywhere outside of America. That was a huge dis. That line about the sisterhood doing more than the Kiddish Club. That stings. There is a line you don't cross, and that is telling somebody that the sisterhood does more than them. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah. A dirty trick. Kept him in shul for the Haftorah. Sneaky and mean. The guy missed the Kiddish Club. He went through all of Musaf without a buzz. I've never seen somebody shake so much during the Musaf Amidah. I think Yonatan was going through withdrawal during the prayer. Reading the Haftorah is not easy. It's like a test for these guys. It brings back harsh memories of being in middle school and having to read in front of the class. The why leaving shul to get drunk might not be the right thing class was not understood. There were many questions asked to the rabbi, in the form of "I don't understand." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemot1/19/2025
Announcements
If anybody would like to volunteer at the dairy farm in our shul’s parking lot, that is appreciated. The rabbi said his position is better spent teaching Gemara classes than milking cows. Though, he wants to make it clear that he appreciates cattle more than the membership. Everybody in the shul has a cold. So, no complaining if somebody got you sick, even if they’re not wearing a mask. To quote the rabbi: "The mask does not keep the congregants from talking." This Purim, we ask that people wear masks that cover the eyes as well as the mouth. We would like to not see your full face. We will not be providing protein shakes at Kiddish. The rabbi says they are not Jewish and thus forbidden from shul events. To quote the rabbi: “Jews don’t shake drinks. Jews stir.” Contemporary Halacha Classes: Farming to Keep in Shape: An Idea that Won’t Get People to Volunteer. Wearing a Mask that Keeps People Safe from Hearing You Talk. How to Drink Alcohol with Protein in It, As a Jew: Something Called Schnapps. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:12) Upon seeing an Egyptian hitting a Jew, Moshe “turned this way and that way and saw there was no man. So he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand”... Before killing somebody, you definitely want to check. Unlike Tim, who goes right up to the video camera like he's performing for surveillance... Discreet. Very discreet Tim. You weren't at Minyin, we all know. The camera caught you... No man. Means no action. Like our shul. Nobody helps with Kiddish. Nobody helps with Minyin. Nobody keeps the little ones from crawling around my feet in the middle of services. He noticed that nobody was willing to take a stand. What’s a man?... Very good. None of the people sitting in the back left of the shul... (Shemot 2:13-14) Two Jews are fighting, and Moshe said to the “wicked one, ‘Why would you hit your fellow?’” He thus replies, “Who appointed you the chief and judge over us? Are you going to kill us, like you killed the Egyptian?”... I'm the rabbi. That's why I give sermons, Bernie. When there is no man amongst your people, it leads to moral decay and false blame. It leads to board meetings. When weak people spread the word about something, you must run. Which is why nobody showed up to the Secret Hannukah Harry Event... It's too similar to Secret Santa. No identity. Weak. Our board makes weak committees of people that want to kill Jews... If they were men, they would’ve went with Moshe and they would’ve been freed. They would’ve stood up to the real enemy. Egypt, or the board. Not to Moshe, who was protecting them... They were slaves. They were weak. Weak people justify. They throw blame. Moshe knew he had to run from that. As I should run from this shul... Our shul has no men... Why I haven’t run is the question. No men. No action here. And then you blame when something is right. Unmanly men... What is a manly man?! Not Simcha. Well. There is a reason for the farm. Work. Men work. They give of themselves. You don’t volunteer... Exactly. If you want a parking spot, you have to volunteer to move a cow. And so much hatred, due to this lack of manhood in our community. So much non-mask hatred. Sinat Mask. If your mask stopped you from talking, I would be in total support of it. I would agree that not wearing you mask causes hatred... Stop complaining about the no-masks making you sick. You come to shul, expect to get sick. Every time I see the members of our shul, I get sick... You get your protein from choolante... Choolante has protein. A lot of fat, a lot of carbohydrates and protein. The way Nachum doesn’t share the meat, he’s getting protein out of the choolante. That's a manly thing to do... Manly men don't share choolante. When it comes to choolante, justice is different... Protein shakes are Asur. Religious Jews get their protein from fat... If it was schnapps with protein there might be a reason for Jews to drink it. In Midian, Moshe has a child. (Shemot 2:22) Moshe calls his child Gershom, saying, “I was a stranger in a foreign land.” He was a wanderer, but he found a wife and he had a family. So, he called his kid "Foreign land." At home we call our kid "We want to leave this community." Moshe was a man because he realized he was in a foreign land. He was honest. And I can't stand the men in the back left of the shul... Once you realize you're a foreigner, a stranger in a strange land, you can approach it. You can deal with it. You can be strong. Your morality is not based on the influence of congregants. You understand that you're dealing with a board of heretics. You understand that nobody is going to help you, especially membership. You can finally accept that these people consider themselves Jews, even if they think that you need more protein than choolante provides... The Jews did not see that they were different. They didn't have that identity of empowerment. They saw themselves as abused. Once they started crying, Gd remembers their difference. He remembers His covenant, His Brit with Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov (Shemot 2:23-24)... It's at that moment that H' rescues them. The people of strength, who accepted their difference. Men of action who stood up for morality. Unlike the board, who doesn't even volunteer... I would appreciate it if the board stops quoting me in the announcements and blaming me for everything nasty they say. Be men, be strong, and take the blame. The board should quote the rabbi as saying, "He wants the board to run from the shul." Rivka's Rundown Good call on not a man. The congregants do nothing. There wasn’t even a man to help build the shul’s Sukkah this year. They had to hire a handyman. “Man” is in the name of the guy we had to hire. There's no such thing as a handycongregant. Nobody would hire that. “Not Simcha.” The rabbi is so true and concise with his brilliance. The rabbi truly lives by his word. He said everybody should be a farmer. Now he has shul shifts for the parking lot dairy farm. It’s amazing how our congregants are more interested in the dairy farm than visiting the sick. A shul food kitchen for the poor would never happen. They would rather milk a cow than feed dairy to the needy. Inviting those people for Pesach is too much already. The rabbi was able to get around angry congregants who said it was rude for him to say that he likes cattle more than them, by saying, "I love animals." You can get away with anything if it's for the animals. The rabbi even got rid of some congregants saying, "There's more of a chance that a bull will pay dues than the Finkelmans." They still make such a big deal about the mask. They don’t stay home. They go out and wear the mask in protest of healthy people. It was messed up when Purim a few years back everybody showed up to shul in masks that only covered the mouth. My kids are still in shock from the experience. They sometimes have flashbacks to having to see the rest of the members' faces. The rabbi ordained protein shakes are forbidden. Other things the rabbi forbade were going to a gym with people who are in shape. He said, "If they're in shape, they're not eating the right protein." He also forbade meetings. He called those "a waste of time, Bitul Zman, especially when the president of the board is there." Milking cows and then not washing your hands before praying was on the Asur list as well. Masks must be worn over the mouth that stop members from talking was ordained. And the rabbi did say that there are times where you can't kill people and bury them in the sand, even if they're on the board. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYechi1/12/2025
Announcements
We are going to celebrate Michael’s first birthday. His parents gave us nothing for his Bris, other than bagels and butter. For his first birthday, as it is not a Jewish event and thus a Heimishtein Simcha, they will serve pizza, ice cream, salmon, lox, bagels. A full bar of schnapps will also be had. The fast is over Friday evening with Shabbat. If you made it till Shabbat, you don’t have to worry anymore about not eating. If you are at the Pitzkowitz home for Shabbis dinner, you may still be fasting till Shabbat morning, due to their Kugel recipe. It's disgusting. We want to welcome everybody back from their Chanukah vacation they took this week, as it is not Chanukah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Simcha with No Lox. Celebrating At the Wrong Time and How to Show Up to Everything Late, Like Our President. What a Kugel Should Not Look Like with Mrs. Pitzkowitz. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why do people get stuff? Well let me tell you, Bernie. It’s because they work for it. Unlike Sam, who got an Aliyah, who has never worked on a farm before... Our congregants should be farmers before we give them anything. Or at least they should show up to Minyin... (Bereishit 48:19) Upon putting his right hand on Ephraim, Yaakov tells Yosef that Ephraim will be greater. Yosef wanted the right hand on Menashe, the older son. Yaakov tells Yosef, “I know my son. I know.” Kind of like I have to tell the board all the time... Why do we need a Kosher kitchen? Because a Kosher kitchen has to be Kosher. I have to constantly say, “I know. I have Smicha. I have rabbinic ordination. I know.” "I know you think you're important because you're on a board. I know. I know you know nothing. I know you like wasting my time. I know. I know you haven't given me a raise in three years. I know." Yaakov knows Menashe is the firstborn. But he also knows Ephraim is destined for greatness. Haamek Davar explains that this is not because of the blessing. The blessing is there to aide. It’s because Ephraim learned with him. If any of you learned a little Torah every once in a while. If any of you ever got a decent job, maybe... (Rashi 48:1) The reason Yaakov is able to speak to Yosef immediately is because Ephraim was with him learning... When you're in the right place, things move fast. When you're not at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Unlike with the board, where everything moves so... Well, have you finished the December meeting yet?! It was Ephraim's accomplishments in Torah study that deserved him the blessing and brought about his greatness. The blessing is there to help carry out the mission. It’s the work. That is what brings the Bracha. The effort brings Bracha. It gives it a place to sit, not like in the back left, where everybody is talking during Davening. You can't even hear the Chazin back there. You can't hear any Brachas there... Because Shimon won't stop talking... We all want, but do we do? Do you farm?! (Bereishit 48:22) Yosef gets Shechem. Why does Yaakov give him more? Rashi says because he is working for Yaakov’s burial. So, Yaakov gives him land he will be buried in... Yosef is buried in Shechem. Why don’t you get anything? Because you don’t help. It’s the work. that brings the Bracha. I know this congregation doesn't work. I know. I haven't seen dues paid in twelve months. I know nobody here ever wants to help with the Chevra Kadisha. I know. Nobody here helps. Nobody learns. If you learned, you would understand you waste time... Learning isn't wasting time. Learning reminds you, you waste time... No. Not when you're learning... We would have blessing. Bracha. I know this shul is messed up. I know. You want. But you don't give. You don't work. It is all meaningless. No Brachas. It’s just Jewish events mean nothing to you... You should’ve had the lox at the Bris. Instead, you put down 5k on Michael’s first birthday party... No. He won’t remember it. The congregation will remember that the Bris had butter... We would’ve been blessed with a normal Bris. I know the families in this shul are messed up. I know. Asarah BTevet was a one day fast. Calm down. It's over. You're having flashbacks to a ten hour fast... I understand you ate at the Pitzkowitzs. I know it's hard. But it is over... Her Kugel is very hard. It would've been a blessing to have a normal Kugel that was soft. I know the congregants are crazy. I know. I won’t eat at the Pintzkowitz home. Not with sweet lokshen spinach Kugel. Who makes sweet spinach??? And then the pine nut olive oil and honey chumus??? If Mrs. Pintzkowitz learned to make a normal Kugel, there would be blessing... Again. It's about giving. It's about proper action. You don’t even do Chanukah vacation at the right time... It was the week after Chanukah. It should be January vacation. That’s what the Jewish school should call it. You have a preChanukah party and a postChanukah vacation. That is how you celebrate Chanukah... You do everything at the wrong time. Late. You do vacation late. You can’t even show up to Minyin on time. If you spent your holiday time correctly, we would’ve been blessed with a beautiful Chanukah. The kids would’ve got great Chanukah gifts. Instead, they got December gifts... Chanukah gifts are Chanukah gelt... Yes. Money made out of chocolate. That is how money should be made. Money made out of chocolate is a Bracha. I know everything this congregation does makes no sense. I know. I know this shul is messed up. I know. But if you work on cooking. If you work on practicing the holidays in the right time. If you work on birthdays for people who know it’s their birthday. People other than three-year-olds. If you work at getting rid of the board, we can be great. We can be deserving of a blessing, and extra land for a bigger parking lot... It would be a blessing if you could pay dues with chocolate. I agree. If you work on yourselves, we might be deserving of a blessing, to carry out the mission of practicing MItzvot correctly, and getting rid of Bernie... We should be blessed with the Bracha of getting rid of the board. If you learned Torah, you would deserve Bracha. If you just worked at stuff, you would deserve it. I know this will not happen. I know... We are only accepting farmers as congregants from now on. Rivka's Rundown I can’t tell you what farming has to do with an Aliyah to the Torah. Maybe if the farmer was learning twelve hours of Torah a day, the sermon would have made sense. The rabbi started a dairy farm in the shul's parking lot. I think the rabbi truly always wanted a petting zoo. He accidentally bought cows. He didn't realize they were too big for little kids to pet. The sermon was Paytonic. The rabbi wrote a piyut as he gave his sermon. The theme of "I know this congregation is messed up. I know," was beautiful. The Bracha was Yaakovesque. The rabbi even delivered it in acrostic form, which spelled out, "The congregants are is very annoying. Not a Bracha." The rabbi is right. We have to celebrate our Judaism more. It’s for this reason, I didn’t show up to Michael’s first birthday and I didn’t buy him a gift. I saved four hours and around a hundred eighty dollars. I wrote the rabbi how much I appreciated his sermon. And I paid part of my dues. Nobody worries about the destruction of Jerusalem on these fasts. They think about when they can eat again. And then they worry about when the next fast will be. The destruction of the Temple is truly mourned by our membership. They're all praying for a future redemption where they will be able to eat. The Pintzkowitzs are really into that sweet and sour thing. They have gone too far. They’ve been making spicy cheesecake. It’s disgusting. They put hot peppers in the cheesecake. They say it adds flavor. It adds messed up flavor. And then they serve the cheesecake as a main. They decided that since peppers are in it, it's not dessert. Our community uses the holidays for parties and vacations. They say, "It's a week before the holiday, we should celebrate it now." That’s why so many people don’t like Yom Kippur. There aren’t enough pre-Yom Kippur vacations and parties planned. The board is planning a pre-Yom Kippur Sinoff this year. To quote the president, "The idea is to get people to come to shul. They don't come for Yom Kippur anymore. They will come to shul to sin." It's all messed up. There is no blessing, because nobody works at anything. They said the bird in the shul was a Bracha. It was in the shul because nobody closed the window. Nobody lifted a hand to close the window. It would’ve been a blessing to have a shut window during the winter, with no animals flying around while I’m saying the Amidah. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYigash1/5/2025
Announcements
Everybody is still talking about the preChanukah party and how fun it is was, because it didn’t happen on Chanukah. We are not planning a Rosh Hashana party in February. We're going to call it the High Holidays at the Wrong Time program. Members are still complaining about the length of Rosh Chodesh Davening on Chanukah. Seeing all the signs on the shul’s board for the extra prayers has left many of them scarred. Many have not been back to shul since, due to what they are calling Post Traumatic Davening Disorder or sleeping in late for the past month. We want to thank Rick for creating the Tallis shirt. A shirt that Tallises don’t fall off. The rabbi is sick of watching people adjust their Tallises constantly during Aliyahs. Shul lockers have been handed to important community members. If you are not important, you have to leave your Tallis in the open for possible burglary. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Daven for Five Minutes Without Your Tallis Coming Off. How to Stay Out of Shape: Choosing to Have Your Locker at Shul and Not at the Gym. How To Chase Everybody Out of Shul By Singing Hallel. How to Adjust a Tallis Every Three Seconds Because You Have No Shoulders Like the Finkelman Family. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 45:15) “And after this, his brothers spoke with him.” After this whole back and forth and taking Binyamin and sending them back to Yaakov. After the reveal of who he is, they spoke. Yosef and his brothers finally spoke. As we have seen in our congregation, family can go years without speaking. Thus making for what we know as a shul. A very uncomfortable place to pray with people you know, to Gd, in disdain... It was time for the brothers to move ahead. Unlike the Beit Midrash committee who hasn’t purchased a book yet... You speak and do nothing. The brothers spoke and there was Shalom... I understand it’s hard to have peace with Sarah Bayla on a committee. She wants to color coordinate and interior the Sefarim... Sarah Bayla. You can have a brown Shtender with a maroon Siddur. Even if they clash. Yosef accepted that he was sent to Mitzrayim for a reason. It was Gd’s plan. Accepting Gd's plan is the prerequisite for peace. For making up with others. He tells them to hurry and to bring the family and to tell their dad, Yaakov, (Bereishit 45:9) “So says your son, Yosef, ‘Gd placed me the master for all of Egypt. Come down to me. Don’t wait.” After accepting it was Gd's plan, and making peace, it was time to hurry. It was time to see dad. No waiting. You don't wait when there is peace. You wait and you end up with Sarah Bayla on the committee. And nothing gets done... If you can accept it’s Gd’s plan you can have peace. Once you have peace, you can have a conversation. Which is why I can’t listen to Merv. The jokes are too much... I’ve heard them a hundred times. You repeat them to everybody... Your jokes are not part of Gd's plan. Possibly Gd's plan for retribution... Waiting is not part of Gd's plan. Which is why I ask myself every morning why I showed up to Minyin on time... All I do is wait. I can’t see how what this shul does is Gd’s plan. That's why there's no peace. Why Gd sent me here, I can’t figure out. Maybe I sinned. You do everything wrong. This is why we have fights all the time, still. There is no way this is Gd’s plan... I believe that everything is in the hands of H’. But you found a way to mess it up. I have no idea how a board can get in the way of Gd's plan. They got in the way of giving me a raise. And now, with this whole color coordination book scheme, which Eichler's never planned... So. The Chanukah party was more fun because it was done at the wrong time... No. Judaism is not a program. A Chanukah party before Chanukah is not Gd's plan... Why are you calling it a Rosh Hashana party? Why not call it Tu BShvat the Rosh Hashan LElanot party and celebrate it at the right time?... Tu BShvat is in February... It is a Rosh Hashana. Trees sin too. Rosh Hashana for trees in Shvat is Gd's plan. If the shul had it at the right time... Davening is part of Gd's plan. And now we have congregants scared to come to shul, because they are scared to Daven... I understand it's long. It’s got the most signs of the year. Nobody complains about Selichot because there are no signs. Should we take down the signs... Selichot are longer. We just don’t have Dave leading Hallel and singing like a fool for Selichot. They're done before Shacharit. It's too early to sing. It's that post Amidah excitement that ruins people's days... You don‘t sing Hallel during the week. It’s Davening. It’s not a concert. It’s not a program. People have to get out of shul Dave. When you're singing, people have to get out of shul... PTDD is not a disorder. It's an excuse Simmy had to skip shul again. Dave is the reason there is no peace. A really long Davening is not H's plan. Everything looks wrong in this shul, especially Chaim's new haircut... Davening together should make for peace. I can't even look at the congregation. I get annoyed looking at the membership. Your Tallis just fell again... Why are you wearing a silk shirt? Of course, the Tallis will fall. It’s just annoying to have to watch you guys with Tallises falling constantly... Well then get to the gym and get wider shoulders, Finkelman. This congregation has the narrowest shoulders. Which is why you’re not good Jews... Rick. Thank you. But even your Tallis shirt won’t work out. The Velcro is a great idea. But they have no room on their shoulders for Velcro... Shul lockers? Who's giving out shul lockers now? We can't get a Minyin, but they need lockers... This isn’t a gym... I understand most of you sweat sitting. As you are extremely out of shape... Who is stealing Tallises? I don't understand the need for the lockers Maybe we can find Shalom one day in this shul. If we are ever able to figure out how having congregants like this is Gd’s plan. I just hope I retire before that... When you know H's plan you have Shalom... Rashi teaches (45:15) “After this” means that it was after they saw he cried and his heart was content with them. Maybe we need to cry. We need to cry as a congregation. Unify in tears and make it all make sense. Why we have to listen to Merv's jokes. Why we have to listen to Dave's Davening and see Finkelman's Tallis fall. Why Sarah Bayla can't picked florescent pink as the right color for the Siddurs... Until there are tears, the full Teshuva, the extent of ability to move on is not there yet. When you see Gd's plan and realize how much you messed up, you cry. You get it out. And then there can be peace. So let us cry. Just look at Chaim's hair. It got me crying... Maybe H’ needs real emotion from us. A way of admitting we understand our wrong and we want to live right... Let's not wait. All this shul does is wait for a Chazin and Dave to finish Davening... Rivka's Rundown Everybody in the shul started crying. The sermon was so long. How families and siblings don't talk to each other, but pray right next to each other. It's a Jewish trait and one we are proud of. Most peoples of the world can't live with such discomfort. Our congregation thrives on it. The rabbi ended the sermon with Queen's “We are the Champions.” Not a dry eye. Everybody was hugging. Some congregants apologized for being congregants. They all walked up to the Bima to hug the rabbi. It was so emotional, the board decided that next year they’ll celebrate Chanukah on Chanukah. They even conceded to Gd's plan to have Rosh Hashana on Rosh Hashana. Truth is the committees move nowhere because Sarah Bayla has to interior design everything. Siddurs don’t need to be color coordinated with the Shtenders. Nor do women's hats need to match the section they're sitting in. We had to wait for the rabbi to kick off his sermon a couple of weeks ago, as Sarah Bayla did not appreciate the burgundy hat in the purple hat section. She made Mrs. Shafron, a ninety-two-year-old woman get up and move to the other side, so the rabbi could start his Drasha. She then said, "Now the section doesn't clash." They do do everything wrong. Like the rabbi said, even the raise they gave him was wrong. All they love about the preChanukah party was that it has nothing to do with Chanukah. Rosh Hashana LElianot is something we should celebrate more. I don't know if trees sin. They do get old though. Maybe the trees remind the rabbi of Bernie. Trees do deserve a New Year party. My friend celebrated her daughter's first birthday. The tree has more of a chance of remembering the celebration. What kind of idiot sings Hallel during the week??? It's scary seeing all those signs on the plaque. You come to shul one day and it's all up there. Al Hanisim, Hallel, vTen Tal uMatar, Mashiv HaRuach, YaEleh vYavo. Maybe take that one down. YaAleh vAYavo. You have the guy whacking the table. That’s scary enough. You don’t need to scare people with the signs too. And then to scare them with singing. You can't have peace when you're that scared. All of Davening, all they do is adjust their Tallises. I have never seen a shirt that holds a Tallis without it falling. Rick’s shirt is cute. But it looks weird with Velcro on the shoulders. You get the feeling like these guys are soldiers with Tallises. They have that Velcro line on their shoulders, showing they served their country by staying out of the army. The community spent much time after this trying to come up with a shirt that you can wear without the Tallis slipping. They started making shirts out of corduroy. The slats in the corduroy keeps the Tallis in a spot. The problem is the spot isn’t always comfortable. They tried selling it to Shark Tank. None of the sharks wanted in. They said that the "Jews at your shul don’t even pay dues. How are you going to get them to buy this?!" There was no answer. Mr. Wonderful did say he would be a customer, as he likes the idea of joining a congregation where other people complain too. Shul lockers has caused a whole ruckus. Now everybody wants a locker for Sheytels, hats, shoes, keys. Not one person wants the locker for gym shorts. You would think one congregant would want to stay in shape. Maurice has now joined the walking group in the back of the shul. He calls it pacing. I figure, he would sweat less if he had on shorts. Tags:
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We want to thank the Simkin Mishpuchi for sponsoring Sufganiot by following the Jewish tradition and going to Dunkin Donuts. We will not be hosting a shul Chanukah party due to not wanting to ruin people’s holidays by having to see members of our shul. The community candle lighting was a huge success. We want to express the community sentiment that we’re happy the Chabad rabbi is now safe. Being held up by a harness fifty feet in the air, we’re happy he made it down safely. We’ll be hosting a fundraiser to higher a construction crew to light the Chanukiah next year. Davening will be at 8:30am in the morning for the holidays. The rabbi asks that people show up for Minyin and remain Jewish, even though they have off of work. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Chanukah with the Wrong Sufganiot: Picking Out Sufganiot Like Morah Betsy with No Jelly. How to Ruin Chanukah by Seeing Congregants. Saving Lives and The Height That Makes a Chanukiah Asur. How to Sleep in and Not Show up for Minyin, Like Our Congregation. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s about blessing. And that comes from connecting to Gd and not seeing congregants. And with that, you don’t suffer. Hence, Yosef called his kids Menashe and Efraim... He wasn't making fun of them. Those were their names. Their excellent names. I call you stupid face, because you're annoying. (Bereishit 41:51-52). “Menashe for H’ has made me forget all of my suffering.” And Efraim because “Gd has made fruitful in the land of my suffering”... It’s "Amali" and "Aniyi." Different words, but the same meaning according to Artscroll. Suffering... Names have meaning. Here, at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I called one of my kids Dror, because the shul wouldn’t get me an extra cupboard in my office... I could’ve used another few drawers. My second kid, I called Max. Because the congregation is the bane of my life. Two different types of blessings. They're both strength Gd gives us to deal with issues. Congregants. I have not found a way to deal with congregants. There are two ways to approach issues. One is to forget and one is to tackle them head on. Our board chooses to forget. Which is why we end up with messed up Sufganiot and a leak. This is what makes Efraim greater... I don’t know how. It’s the tackling. He doesn't avoid the issues. No matter how many congregants he has to deal with, he concurs the pain and makes it a success. I will be hosting classes in my home, to make everything a success. Approaching hardship head on allows for the opportunity to change good to bad. Kind of like how I took Chanukah in this community made it a point to not see Bernie and made it beautiful. Fruitful in a way... Artscroll teaches Yosef did not run away from his father. He wanted to do Kibud Av vEim. His brothers barred him from that. Kind of like the shul that bars me from doing Mitzvot. Menashe represents Gd’s help with Yosef dealing with the pain by having something else to thing about... Congregants just add to the pain. That pain of being estranged was something he had not control over. That kind of pain, you can't make it fruitful. You can push aside and move on that way... What did I do with the Morah Betsy Sufganiot. It was just pain. Very painful... No. Artscroll is not Rashi. Bernie. How do we deal with our suffering here? How do we find the blessing? Do we mask it and let people die alone or do we face it straight on and turn it into something beautiful?! I know our congregants don't visit the sick. You haven’t visited Amelia in the Home yet. She’s alone. You should visit and make her cancer beautiful for a day... I am not suggesting Bernie visit. That would just be adding to the suffering. The shul Chanukah parties are something to forget. Gd granted me that strength so that I can enjoy the holiday and serve this congregation. I do that by forgetting this congregation... No. We are not having a Chanukah party this year. We don't want anybody to suffer on Chanukah... We had it before Chanukah. I will explain Fran... Well the other shul that is celebrating Chanukah on Chanukah is not Frum. They're not religioios. It's called Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot. You want to be quick to hurry to do Mitzvot. So, our board thought to celebrate the holiday quickly, before the holiday. To do it at the wrong time... If you would've got Boston cream Sufganiot, like Israelis, I would've enjoyed the holiday. I am asking for better donuts. Why was there Danish at the Chanukah party last year?... Donuts are not Sufganiot. They’re donuts. There’s a reason they’re called Sufganiot. Because it’s Jewish. Dunkin Donuts makes Sufganiot... Tradition is Boston cream Sufganiot. That is what they ate in the Temple. The second Beit HaMikdash... They didn't eat Sufganiot in the first Beit HaMikdash. In the first Beit HaMikdash they had Danish... It's a matter of where we see the blessing. We can concur every dealing with the congregation with both modes of overcoming issues. Sometimes the blessing is in lighting at home... Seeing you on Chanukah ruins my Chanukah... The community lighting ceremony was off. There is nothing about Chanukah that says a rabbi has to risk his life to light a Menroah... This is why I'm not a Chabad rabbi. I’m too scared of heights... Yes, Fayge. This is why it's called Crown Heights. Very good... We just hope the Chabad rabbi stays safe being held up by a crane... I don't believe it's a Mitzvah to risk your life to light a Chanukiah. They didn't have Menorah crane lighting in the Beit Hamikdash. Just stairs... The rabbi had to rappel down. Both ways of dealing are gifts from Gd. When you have the power and strength to deal, you do. When you have support, you can deal. When there is no support, H' sometimes grants you that strength to forget. Which is what I do when I get home every Shabbis. I forget shul. The same way Yosef had to put aside in his head that he is estranged... Being in this shul, I feel I am estranged from my people... The Minyin has no support. That means you don't show up... No. We're not doing the late Minyin anymore... Because you guys sleep through that too. And we can't do a late Mincha. That's too late to Daven already... Before you have an opinion or an issue with it, first show up for Minyin. You took off all week for Xmas and you took off from shul. Yosef would've shown for Minyin... I don't want to deal. I want to forget. There is no way of making having to see Bernie and Merv at Minyin every day beautiful... If we had anybody in this shul that was smart enough, I would make him second to me. I would give him the power, like Paroh gave Yosef. The Gabai is wise. He shall be second to me. Not the Chazin. The president shall be of no importance. The president only causes suffering. Paroh tells Yosef, (Bereishit 41:44) “And without you, no man shall lift his hand or his foot in all of Egypt.” Paroh had Yosef deal with everything. The same I shall do with the Gabai. People must have permission from my second in command... Our Gabai has dealt with enough. It's time we listen to his wisdom and allow for us to find that Bracha of salvation. No more giving yourself an Aliyah. You will have to wait for the Gabai to be called to the Torah. You will only be able to open the ark with the Gabai’s approval. You can only get a shul locker if the Gabai says you're showing up for preMinyin aerobics. This is how we shall deal with famine in our shul... That calling yourself for your own Aliyah you all were doing was crazy. We had eighteen people go up for Cohen. All called themselves... There are only two Cohens in the shul, Bernie... Shmuel. You are an amazing Gabai. No arguing. The great must bear the burden... With this we can name our kids normal names, like Brian. But only with the Gabais OK... Next year, we will have a Chanukah party, and I will choose a wise person to run it and get Boston Cream Sufganiot... No purchasing of Sufganiot with Shmuel. My second in command. Traditional apple fritters are up to him. Sometimes, it's just too painful. And we have to forget. When I get home at night, I forget the congregants... From now on, any issues go to the Gabai. My second in command. He will make it all good... Rivka's Rundown I do not believe that people getting up for their own Aliyah without being called constitutes famine. The rabbi threw all the shul's issues onto the Gabai. That was his way of dealing with the suffering of the congregants. That is what I call throwing under the bus. I think the rabbi is trying to work less. The rabbi threw himself into Yosef’s issue, blaming us for his suffering. I guess that’s the point of Bereishit. To personalize how annoying your community is. Congregants are issues. When the Torah speaks of hardship and suffering, H' is speaking of our congregants. How Max means “bane of life” I don’t know. The rabbi stopped hosting classes in his house, and started having them back at shul, when the board said they were going to cut his salary. We all suffer at a price. Sufganiot are donuts. Both are deep fried. Both have jelly. However, Dunkin Donuts does not claim to be Sufganiot. The way most of the people in our community make Sufganiot, Dunkin Donuts doesn’t want to ruin their reputation. Dunkin Donuts is fine being mistaken for Krispy Kreme though. The board took the Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, hurrying to do Mitzvot, comment by the rabbi to be a compliment. They started doing everything early. The secretary suggested they start doing Shabbat on Thursday. To quote: "It wouldn't be a problem. It would still be Jewish. No other religion celebrates the Sabbath on Thursdays." To which the treasurer said, "We don't know. We were surprised when summertime Ramadan turned was celebrated in the winter." I think we have to work on our community. When a community doesn’t want to see each other, there’s an issue. When you pay dues and don't want to see those people at a ceremony or celebration, you start to think if this is the right religion. I believe the rabbi said, "Anything with the words 'community' and 'ceremony' is going to be painful. No joy." It was scary to see the Chabad rabbi up so high. One light went out. The whole community insisted the rabbi not go back up to light it. They called in a construction crew to relight it. These Chabad rabbis risk their lives to publicize the miracle. They didn’t have construction crews lighting the Menorah, or harness belts, in the Beit Hamikdash. There’s a point where it’s too much. Maybe have a community slab of wood nuts made by the nursery school Chanukah Menorah. I think the rabbi was competing with the Topeka Xmas tree. He saw the Christians get eight stories, a scaffolding and clean windows. Jews should too. People take off of work and they take off Judaism. Vacation is vacation. The congregants were not happy about the late Shacharit Minyin for the week of Xmas break. To quote Baruch: "Shoot. Now we have to go." I don't think Jewish day schools should have Xmas break. They tried having Chanukah at a different time of year, but it falls out around Xmas. I asked the Gabai and said we can't change Chanukah. Tags:
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The preChanukah Party will happen this Monday. We will celebrate preChanukah with Latkes and Dreidel playing. Due to the popular request of Katie, we will celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah. The shul is going to be selling Chanukah candles that work. They will not break on you. We ask everybody pay their dues before Chanukah so we can turn the water back on and celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah. The shul Chanukah vacation this year will be the week after Chanukah. This year the vacation will be in the Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca area. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Turn Every Jewish Ritual into a Program By Not Doing it At it Right. How to make Not Oily Latkes Nobody Likes, Because There Was No Miracle of Oil Before Chanukah. Where to Vacation: A Session on Places to Go in Miami, Fort Lauderdale and Boca. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... They hate Yosef. When they hate you. they hold that... They hate him because they’re not happy with themselves. Kind of like the board who hates any good idea you share with them. Like doing a Chanukah party on Chanukah... Kind of like most of our congregants who can't stand Simcha, who likes to share his dreams all the time. It can be annoying, Simcha. It's annoying hearing every detail, and then hearing, "And then I woke up." We know you woke up... (Bereishit 37:24) The brothers take Yosef and they throw him in a pit, “and the pit is empty, there is no water.” Kind of like the Bergstein Bar Mitzvah where there was no schnapps. You asked for it, you flipped the bottle over. Tapped it. Nothing in there. And they still expected you to give the kid a gift... This is why people hate the Bergsteins... I'm not suggesting to throw Simcha in a pit. Rashi, answering the question “why does it need to say no water when it is already empty,” tells us that there were snakes and scorpions. There was no water. No life. When you lose the love of family, there is no life. Then there is no connection and hate, there is no life. Just snakes and scorpions, like the board... What’s saves Yosef’s life? Connection. Their hate would’ve killed him. But they realized he has the same blood. I believe O+. (Bereishit 37:27) Yehudah says “let us sell him to the Yishmaelim, and let not our hand be on him, for he is our brother, our flesh...” You don’t kill your own flesh. You sell them as slaves... This is why the mothers at this shul slave in the kitchen. And the fathers talk in shul... There’s a lot of hate here... Bernie deserves it. And now the shul is left with messed up emptiness. Emptiness and some people trying to make it bad for everybody. Snakes. Stealing the meaning from everything we do. Ruining the joy and love of Yiddishkeit... The preChanukah party sounds like a Chanukah party. But it's not a Chanukah party... Because it's not on Chanukah. If it was on Chanukah, you would call it a Chanukah party... I understand you want to prepare for the holiday. You do that by buying the stuff you need for Latkes, and a Dreidel... No. You’re celebrating it the day before Chanukah... What makes it more exciting?... Thank you. So. Before Chanukah, it’s a program. People don’t like tradition anymore. They don’t like Mitzvot. They like programs... People rightfully hate the Chanukah candles... They’re not Chanukah candles if they don’t break. Those are Shabbis candles. You're using Shabbis candles on Chanukah. The shul fundraiser is to sell Shabbat candles for Chanukah... It's like your programs. Done at the wrong time. Might as well do Sukkot Matzah. People love the Sukkot Matzah that tastes just like bread. Thursday night choolante night... I don't care if they do it in Monsey. This is Topeka. People don't even know what choolante is here. More people would come to the program if it was Thursday night overcooked stew night... Everything you do shows no love for our tradition. A hatred for our people. The shul water is off because of hatred. People hate paying dues. And this is why the sink has no water. It's empty... You can’t even do a Chanukah vacation right... After Chanukah is not a Chanukah vacation. Its winter vacation... You like it more because a Chanukah vacation on Chanukah is tradition. After Chanukah it’s more of a program. More fun... Isn't the vacation always to South Florida?... Just making sure. Then I am going to Orlando this year... Our activities committee is calling it a program. It's not a program. People are going on vacation. If it's not organized by the shul and it's not a tradition, it's not a program... We should all find the love back in our lives, so we can end the hate and get the water turned back on in the shul. So that we can vacation without having to see each other... I hate your preChanukah Chanukah... It's not Chanukah. If you put a "pre" before something, it's not that. "Pre" means not the right time. No. PreChanukah is not Chanukah. You can’t light for Chanukah preChanukah. I know many have started eating choolante on Thursday night. It’s still not Shabbat... I hate doing Jewish tradition done as a program. I will hold that hate. I love this shul. So I will not destroy it. But I will do whatever I can to get rid of the programs. I will bring snakes and scorpions if I must... Serpents sounds better. Serpents are scarier. Serpents and scorpions. Even worse. I will add more people to the board... We pray that the kids learn to like the Bergstein boy, and not blame him for his parents not having schnapps... Maybe come to shul, not like your dad, and people will like you. They'll see you as Jewish flesh. Connected... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi truly connected with the Bergstein boy. He spat on his parents and sat in a different section of shul. I think the rabbi just said people who don't come to shul are not Jewish flesh. And I think the Bergstein boy does not like his family. We can all agree that going to a Bar Mitzvah and getting nothing to drink, then having to give a gift, causes hatred. Beautiful teachings. The board is full of snakes. Poetic. The rabbi was making a strong point saying that you sell your brothers as slaves. The board decided to have the CHanukah Party not on Chanukah, because of Katie. Whatever Katie wants, Gd apparently does. Katie wants Purim in the fall, the shul decided to host a drinking party in October. Our shul has decided to now only run programs. People show up for programs. On Sukkot people didn’t show for Musaf. They came for Hookah in The Sukkah. They then ran a Musaf program, where a Chazin leads in the Musaf prayer. Finally, people came for Musaf. That was a fundraiser. To sell Shabbis candles for a lot more than they’re worth. It went great with the preChanukah program. People spend more when they get stuff they're using for the wrong reasons. The rabbi insisted it would've been a Chanukah miracle if they were Chanukah candles that didn't break. The shul got the water turned off. We need money. I think that is the true lesson of the Parsha. Money saves lives. It saved Yosef's life when the Yishmaelim bought him, and it allows for us to have Kiddish. Many people were mad with the rabbi for suggestion that going to South Florida in the winter is a not a Jewish tradition. The vacation to Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca was to Fort Lauderdale and Miami, and Boca last year too. It seems to be the same vacation every year. It's where the Jews go to get away from Jews. They love programs. Even their vacations are now programs. It just happens to be when everybody goes to Florida. And they all go. So the shul is taking credit for the program. The rabbi found a way to take advantage of this new program thing the board is pushing. The rabbi heads down to South Florida for a day, takes a picture with a couple members, says it a shul program, and he calls it work. No vacation days used on his vacation. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYishlach12/15/2024
Announcements
Our guest speaker this week is Phil. He’s a member of this congregation and he will be giving the sermon about how his kids don’t call unless he's sick, to find out if he’s dying. The planning meeting for how we’re going to attack the mice in the shul is this Sunday. Bella suggested weapons. We are going to stay away from military grade. Last time military weapons were used against mice, we ended up having to do a full demolition of the shul. We are offering congregants shielding gear due to fear of little things. The Simcha for the Feldblums this Shabbis gives us all hope that their son will not be like them. He should have a beautiful family with children that respect and appreciate shul. Kiddish club is planning a party, where they will be drinking more. Less than at Kiddish club, as the party will not be before Musaf and the Kiddish club members don't need to drink as much when they're not Davening. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Your Children to Call Even if They Know They're in the Will Already. How to Attack a Mouse on Shabbat Without Scaring a Whole Shul. How to Show Love Not Like The Feldblums. Kiddish Club and How They Found a Way to Drink More On Work Night. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Like Yaakov, I planned for a fight against the board... No. I didn’t give them any gifts. I have no money for gifts because they haven’t given me a raise.... Yes. That’s the reason for the law of not eating the hop sinew. Yaakov injured his hip fighting with the angel (Bereishit 32:32-33)... Yaakov had sciatica. The whole back left of the men’s section has had sciatica. You want to eat it??? I injured any chances of making a decent living fighting with the board... Great speech Phil. You can sit... (Bereishit 33:1-3) Yaakov sees Esav with four hundred men. He splits up the camp. Goes in front of them and bows to his brother seven times... I have to give the background because you all talk during the Layning... Seven was the number in those days. Bowed seven times... (33:4) “And Esav ran to greet him and he hugged him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept....” After seeing this, Esav runs to his brother. I don't think I even saw the Feldblum kids hug. I think they just shook hands and said, "Good to see you too." Love is always there, somewhere, when you're not dealing with a board. You have to take the first steps. You have to bow the seven times... Without bowing. It’s Asur to prostrate to people. A bunch of Apikorsim. You bow to H'. So Yaakov bowed to his brother... His brother wasn't an idol. And I will never bow to the board... Rashi teaches that Esav’s compassion was aroused by the prostrations. You see. Prostrations. Now bows. His compassion was found through the prostrations. Through Yaakov's show of deference. Sometimes you need to give in a bit. Let the other know that you are there for love, and they will return that. Unless if it's Phil's kids... Or the board. Esav had all that love inside of him. He showed it. And you can’t even greet your rabbi with a decent "Shabbat Shalom." A handshake. You shake hands like a Mensch... Your handshaking is off. It makes nobody want to hug you or kiss you. When they shake your hand, they do not want to cry. No emotion. Now Merv. You shake Merv and Mr. Greenberg's hands, you feel emotion. You want to cry. They squeeze your hand. Like a vice. They clench your hand with the jaws of their fingers. You feel that... You are so not giving. So unkind. Everything with you is a fight. I get sciatica just listening to the congregants. The handshakes in this shul give me sciatica... I'm talking about love. About finding love through peace. You do that through being kind and compassionate. It might come back to you... You don’t even welcome guests... Beautiful speech Phil. The way you were able to give a sermon with no Torah... You plan for kindness. If that doesn't work, you have to be ready to fight. We have been kind enough to the mice of the shul for many years. Food all over the floor. The children of our congregation have not cleaned up after themselves... We have to plan how to attack the mice. Gifts. We tried giving them cheese and peanut butter, they ate it. They took it right out of the mousetraps. I feel like the traps are food trays for feeding mice. Splitting up the camp, we had different traps... We tried. It's all out war. You already won the environment discussion. We have recycling in the shul. We are going to kill the mice. Straight out war. We've got to come in strong... We did it all. We fought. We sprayed everywhere. We even used poison. Nothing has worked yet. We need to come out stronger. Hit them from all sides... You're more scared of mice than Gd. And now we have a secretary who adopted a mouse as a pet... I am saying we also have to show love to people, so that some people will want to join our shul... If people come to our shul and we hug and kiss them, and cry on them. They'll feel loved and they'll want to be congregants... Dr. and Dr. Feldblum, you prepared your son correctly. He’s learning in Yeshiva. He is kind. He’s a good athlete. He is nothing like his parents. You did a good job. But you need more love... Your Simcha has no affect. No love. Not even a Yasherkoych when cousin Ralph came down from the Aliyah. Nobody even tried to whip candies at the Chatan. You tossed them. No emotion involved in your family. No love. Esav has more love than your family. If one of your family members wanted to kill another, they would do it... R’ Hirsch teaches that Esav wept genuinely, as crying can only come from one that is moved. Even Esav had the ability for compassion. The human ability we all have when he is moved. Your grandma isn’t even crying. Not moved by her grandson getting married. The Chatan's grandma is just sitting there like her whole face is full of Botox... Well. Then that is the reason... The only one crying is the guy that came back drunk from the Kiddish club... What is the Kiddish Club Party? Is it just you drinking more?... It's a weeknight. You have to go to work the next morning. It's drinking more on a weeknight. Talking about the Kiddish club because they're not here. They're still out drinking. Pregaming Musaf... Phil. You already talked. Now you're interrupting. You already let everybody know you get no love from your family, even though they're not the Feldblums. We get it. A true party is when there is the joining of sides. The joining of enemies in love and embrace. Reuniting... The Kiddish club has not reunited with Mickey in years. Let him back into the Kiddish club. I don’t want to see him in the shul for the sermons... A decent handshake for crying out loud. That's a party... Will the Chatan come up here... To love is to want to kill... Embrace your wife, not like your family embraced you. Kiss her. Hug her. Cry on her. If you don't cry on your spouse, is it really a relationship... Rivka's Rundown "To love is to want to kill" is a very strong statement. I believe the rabbi was trying to say that he doesn't love the board, so they shouldn't worry. I agree with the rabbi that we need more emotion in the shul. More sisterhood fighting. The rabbi truly went off on the lack of passion behind handshakes and why there is much hatred in the shul because of it. His message: If people shook hands harder, families would be together. To quote, "Families that shake together, stay together." The rabbi just makes it all so meaningful. After the sermon everybody shook hands. It was an emotional moment for all. Women were standing up, shaking each other's hands and hugging. The rabbi asked a congregant to speak. He didn’t want to try anymore. And then, once he heard Phil speaking, he got up, kicked Phil off and still gave his sermon. Truth is everybody loved Phil’s sermon. The no Torah added to the message truly made everybody feel more connected. The rabbi just kicked Phil off, and took over the sermon. He heard enough about people not calling. The rabbi was worried the congregants would start to think that the rabbi would want to get phone calls from them. The rabbi planned for the war. I had mice in my house. I used his plan and killed four mice. People heard there was a mouse and they didn't show up to shul for a month. They figured that would be their excuse this year, as there hasn't been much snow yet. It all started last week when Bella yelled, "Mouse!!!!" Everybody ran and there was no Minyin. The Filermans aren't coming back. It's amazing how you can't lose the reputation of having a mouse. Every house gets mice during the fall, but when people hear about it, you're branded. Our shul has been branded and the rabbi is happy. I was for the friendliness and the new hello thing, until Merv kissed me, cried on me, and the chuched his phlegm all over me. I think we need younger men, who won't hock a loogie on the guests, welcoming people. The Feldblums took such Nachis knowing their son is not like them and won’t eat in their home. I don't know if they love each other. I don't even think there was one real smile the whole Simcha. After the Chupah, the dad shook his son's hand. The rabbi noted, "At least it was a solid handshake. It's a start." The family might be mad that another member, this new wife, is joining the family, and she might also have a claim on the inheritance. I even think that when the dad shook his son's hand, he said, "Prenup." That was his Mazel Tov. The rabbi kept on saying "The Chatan." He forgot his name. Not as bad as the time he forgot the name of the deceased at their funeral and he was calling her Mrs. Wichita. The family at the funeral was fine, until one of the members said she lost the pageant. The Kiddish club parties have less drinking going on than at the Kiddish club. Usually the parties aren't happening during Davening. As the rabbi noted, "There's no real reason to drink if you're not praying to Gd." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYeitzei12/8/2024
Announcements
Our guest speaker, Max Filmore, will talk about investing money and saving. The last speaker spoke about giving Tzedakah. He was shunned. We shall never again bring a speaker who suggests people should give more to charity. Unpopular. We ask your forgiveness. Shoshana Chana is starting a Bikur Cholim Committee. Nobody is showing up. If anybody has a heart, please show up. We also ask the Markowitz family visit their parents. Shoshana Chana is not their daughter. The Shul will be honoring Simcha next month at the annual dinner for his accomplishment of being popular and knowing people. We ask people stop speaking Lashon Hara about Sue and Mark. They’re annoying. Very annoying. Show up to shul late all the time. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose Congregants by Asking them to do Mitzvot. How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care For Your Parents. How to Choose An Honoree Who Has Accomplished Nothing with Our Board. Lashon Hara and How it Enhances Our Lives at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Yaakov left Israel, because his brother was going to kill him. I was going to leave this shul, because I wanted to kill you... Rachel had no children. An example to our congregation. One of our Imahot, and she never bothered other people in shul with a baby carriage sitting in the hallway. She never had her kids running around the shul, screaming, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t give me a Sunkist fruit gem..." The kids here are crazy... Rachel wants children. And not to steal all the cookies at Kiddish... Maybe she would like little league baseball. True mothers like the little league experience... Mrs. Shwarztein. You have never brought anything other than oranges on your snack day. This is why the kids don't like you. You can't play baseball after peeling an orange. The kids end up with sticky gloves... (Bereishit 30:1-2) “She said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children, and if not I am dead.’” No woman values her husband that much. We know this. We can see this with the Felstein family, where Dr. Felstein’s wife always tells him, “You should die.” A regular Kiddish conversation when she doesn’t get herring. “If I don’t get herring, you are dead.” A little different than Rachel, who wanted a child... Some women want herring. That is fine, Bernie. To each their own. A lot of death in this week’s Parsha. Not enough in our shul. There hasn't been a funeral in a month, and I'm going broke... Mrs. Felstein, do what you must. Rashi quotes the Midrash and says that she asked Yaakov to pray for her. Yaakov got mad. That's usually my immediate response when people ask me to do a Mishebeyrach. "Why don't you do it?!" Yaakov got mad at Rachel and retorts, “Am I instead of Gd that has withheld from you fruit of the womb?!”... Not Fruit of the Loom. They didn't have the cotton gin back then. It was much more uncomfortable. And you complain about boxer briefs... I know they fall on the leg. Very not comfortable. Somebody should talk to Fruit of the Loom. But Rachel is dealing with fruit of the womb. And I am sure Yaakov would've written a complaint to Fruit of the Loom... Why was he mad? Because he didn’t do anything wrong here. Her father wronged her and stole from her. She was blindsided by everybody... But she is asking him to pray. Sometimes, when you’re alone, and nobody is there to grieve with you, you feel dead. You have no kids for all that time that Yaakov is hanging out with Leah... I understand the husbands in this shul are off playing softball all the time. The only shul that plays softball in the winter. That's how out of shape you guys are. You can't play anything other than softball... The reason nobody asks the congregants to pray. Your prayers are off. I believe Ethel got sicker because of your Mishebeyrachs... Yaakov getting mad doesn’t help Rachel feel alive. She needed him to pray. To understand her and be there with her in her grief. To feel so badly that he would entreat H’. Sometimes you need somebody to be there with you. To understand your grief. If people would just listen to my sermons... So she gives Bilha. That’s a great way to have kids. It's like one of your pyramid schemes, Shlomo... Are you going to join us when we need you?! To not think of us. But to care enough to pray for us, and put aside... When I asked the shul to pray for a new addition to the building... We figure that the shul won’t get any money from the congregants anyways. Why talk about Tzedakah... We want to show people are coming to shul programming, so we are going to teach people how not to tithe, unless if they are getting a huge tax break... Are you there with the people who are sick. Or do you get mad that they didn’t leave you enough money in the will... Shoshi Chana is there. She understands when people need a prayer. She doesn't show up and get mad at them. She doesn't start yelling at them, "I am not Gd. Feel better yourself." She doesn't yell, "You're the fool who raised Mr. Markowitz Esq..." It’s Bikur Cholim. It’s a Mitzvah. Nobody is going to show. Shoshi Chana is considered not popular because she cares and wants to give... I understand that Shoshana Chana is a bit too much of a name. But she is doing something beautiful... Visiting the sick is beautiful. Beauty and kindness are not liked by our membership, unless if there's an inheritance... I get you're a lawyer, Mr. Markowitz and you don't need the money. But just because you have a job does not mean you throw your parents in a nursing home and don't visit... I understand the aides are close with them and have built up a relationship cleaning them up after they go to the bathroom... The problem is you are a bad child. You're a curse to your family... You blamed Shoshi Chana for not being there for your mom. For your mom not being bathed correctly the other day, and the fact that nobody went to visit her on Wednesday or Thursday. Why are you blaming Shoshana for being kind... Why are you blaming her for not cleaning your parents. It's not her job. She's your mom. You visit... This is why your mom feels dead. You give her nothing, other than a paper to sign for you to take money from her account every once in a while... It's death. It's death when people don't care about you. When you have a son like Mark Markowitz... And Lashon Hara. All our membership does is kill people’s reputation. If you care about somebody, you don't gossip about them. You tell them how much you can't stand them. And I love this congregation... What did she do to you Simcha? She didn’t agree with you? Makes her bad?... Why are you siding with Simcha? He’s obnoxious. That's why we’re honoring him at the shul dinner. We’ve learned that our congregants give money for jerks... It makes them more popular. What has Simcha done to get honored? He talks and leaves shul to drink. He drinks a lot of alcohol in shul, around kids. That's why we're honoring him... He's the only member who finds it necessary to pray under the influence of schnapps. That's why you like him... Do you care enough. Do you know enough to actually pray for Ethel? Or do you just want to give money to the annoying people who rub their money in your face? Rashi teaches the Bereishit Rabbah that Yaakov is mad because he’s saying he’s not Rachel’s father. He wouldn’t hold back anything from her. He takes the issue as his. Rightfully, he dealt with so much lying, as Rachel did, from her father... That's not what Rachel needed. Rachel needed congregants that are not Simcha or Mark Markowitz. She needed Shoshi Chana... And you blame her for that. Are you going to keep bringing your issues into the shul. Or will you let us grow. Will you finally pay Shoshi Chana to be a daughter, so that she can get some of the inheritance... When will Mrs. Felstein find joy?! And you should tithe. Some people need you to listen to them, and then they need Tzedakah too... Sorry for bringing up the "T" word... Rivka's Rundown The true issue of the shul seemed to have been boxer briefs. Only our rabbi can bring that into a sermon, finding the spirituality in undergarments. It would appear the rabbi was insinuating that Mrs. Felstein should kill her husband. People at Kiddish would appreciate the extra herring. That guy never shares. By the time I get to Kiddish, crackers and herring are gone. The rabbi was saying that the grief is his congregation. Like Rachel wanted children, the rabbi doesn't want congregants. Giving Tzedakah and tithing was not met with popular acceptance. Some said that we should get rid of a rabbi who feels Tzedakah is a good idea. Mentioning Shoshana Chana had a good idea with visiting the sick and being kind to people almost got him fired. The board met to find out if there is an out clause for a rabbi who speaks of such stupidity. It turns out, nobody in our shul has a heart. The most they did when they heard Thelma was in the emergency room by herself was say, "That's a shame." They felt by saying that, they're good Jews. Shoshana Chana truly lost friends when she thought it a good idea to visit people in nursing homes. Nobody wants to talk to her now. They say she’s only doing it because she can’t find a job. By the way, Shoshi is successful and works full-time. Markowitz runs a firm. I believe he vacations full time. The Markowitz family stopped coming to shul. They were offended the rabbi suggested it's on them to visit their mom and grandma every once in a while. To quote Mark, "I have a job." The Markowitz family is there for their clients. They were very mad at the rabbi for saying they're not there. They made it clear at Kiddish, "We have been there for our clients whenever they need us. When they're sick or in a nursing home, we're there for our clients. If anybody needs good representation, here is my card." It turns out that jobs exempt people from Mitzvot. Business seems to also not require one to wear a Yarmulke. They speak Lashon Hara like it’s a Mitzvah. That's the one Mitzvah they can do at work. The Lashon Hara class drew a lot more members to our congregation. They figured, "If this is a congregation that knows how to speak Lashon Hara, I want to be here." It seems like being a jerk is praised in our community. You can’t do anything kind. If you're a jerk, they honor you. If you ask me, Simcha is a loser. He can't even hit a softball. He shows up to those games too drunk to hit the thing. Everybody appreciated the How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care for Your Parents Class. The questions in the class had everybody focusing on how they don't have to visit, and how to get Shoshi Chana to care for their parents. They found it to be more financially helpful than Max Filmore's speech. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Toldot12/1/2024
Announcements
We want to apologize for not enough eggs salad and tuna salad at Kiddish. We understand they’re an important staple in our shul and for the Jewish community at large. We know that nobody came to shul the week after the last egg salad two servings for the whole community fiasco. No good Jew has a meal at shul without egg salad. And that includes Shalishudis. It is under investigation. We don't know who the fool is that thought deviled eggs was a good idea. We apologize for that faux-pa. We are kicking them off the Kiddish crew. Again. We are deeply sorry for the lack of egg salad. We don't have anybody who can Layn the Parsha this week. If you know how to read the Torah portion, please let us know. We are going to make a shul family tree. We want to honor the shul with it, so please leave out anybody from the Pintzkowitz Mishpuchi. Also leave out anyone related to any man that Davens in the back left of the shul. The rabbi made it clear that he wants to forget them. Michelle and Mike purchased an apartment in Israel. We want to wish them a Mazel Tov on their view. We hope to not see them in shul anymore. Contemporary Halacha classes are also classes about Halacha. Halacha hasn't changed. The laws have remained the same, even if you drive to shul on Shabbis. You are still sinning. Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Importance of Egg Salad in Shul and Hiding the Taste of Simi’s Choolent Which Nobody Likes. Laws of Israel and How a View Can Be So Beautiful and An Apartment So Ugly. Why You Don’t Have a Family Tree And Why Your Family Doesn't Visit You. What is Contemporary Halacha and Why You Haven't Shown Up To Contemporary Halacha Classes Yet. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... And they quarreled over wells. A lot of well quarreling... Well. They quarreled. How did it start? It didn’t start because Rebecca pulled Sarah Freida’s hair. We will ask the youth director to do something about that... She has done nothing since taking over the job... Well stop the fighting at least. Aren't groups supposed to be going on now? Why you’re in for the sermon is an anomaly. You’re the youth director... Rebecca is not an anti-Semite, even though Sarah Freida sounds more religious. Sarah Freida a more religious name. The double name makes her more religious. The more names... How did it start? (Bereishit 26:13-14) Yitzchak moves back to the Gerar Philistines area and he became great. “until he was very great.” Not like our Gabai who has just put on a lot of weight. “And there was to him flocks and herds, and a lot of business, and the Philistines became jealous.” Jealousy. Jealous of someone else's success. Where all problems start... Jealousy is forbidden, Bernie. Even if you don't like the rabbi. (Bereishit 26:15) So, they stopped up the wells dug by Avraham's servants. Kind of like the time they took away my parking spot, and then put cones there saying, “It’s dangerous to park here.” This is what jealousy does. It destroys. It ruins even stuff that's good for you. In our shul, it leads to bigger hats in the women’s section... Are you trying to protect your kids from the snow with that thing? I think it’s forbidden to wear that thing on Shabbis. It's a tent. The Philistines stopped up Avraham’s wells. They even violated Avimelech’s covenant (Rashi). Due to this jealousy, they lost a sense of their values. Kind of like when we left Gaza and they decided to destroy the green houses. Are you idiots?! It is just like when I left the shul for a Shabbis and the Gabai gave the sermon. Just like the Chazin when he sings. You all ruin everything. You destroy the enjoyment of shul... You wanted it, and now you don’t have it, because you destroyed it. Real smart. They couldn’t take the wells going back to Yitzchak. The rightful heir to the wells When there is jealousy you violate tradition. You violate values. You violate agreements. And then you have a board that can't give a rabbi a raise. Halacha doesn’t change with jealousy or wealth... But we will take your donations... It’s Halacha. Why does it have to change because we have Bernie in the shul?! I feel like the laws change when it comes to Shaindel’s new hats store... Shaindel’s Heimish Hats will not sell in Topeka. The hats wouldn't sell in New York. Heimish does not go with style. "Oy! What a Gevalt Fedora. It's Mamish Heimish." Nobody is paying for that, unless if it's a side dish. "Oy! What a Gevalt tuna salad. It's Mamish Heimish." I'm paying ninety dollars for that deluxe Mamish tuna. Just call it Shaindel's huge hats... You can't sell them in shul. We had an agreement that people would not block other people's views of me with their hats... Ancestry is important. Offspring? We can see in our congregation that it’s not always a blessing. Have you seen junior congregation?! And that is what quarreling and jealousy looks like... I told our youth director to call every one of them up to the Torah when they do the fake Layning at junior congregation. If not, there will be fights... Well, they learn from their parents. Jealousy over Aliyahs. And now we have to buy a new Torah. 45K in the hole, because jealousy caused Torah rippage... Max. You attacked the Gabai and knocked over the Bar Mitzvah boy's cousin, who was doing Galilah... It is this jealousy that causes things to get ruined. Like Kiddish this week, where there's no egg salad. Without egg salad you don’t have Kiddish. You can call it "a depressing post service non-Heimish conversation with Bernie and Ethel." Not Kiddish... Egg salad is the condiment and main of choice at Kiddish... Your choolent is disgusting without egg salad... Deviled eggs?! No. Deviled eggs are not egg salad. They're the devil's eggs because they keep people from coming to shul... And now Michelle and Mike are talking about their view in Israel. Trying to make people jealous... Always a view. In Israel, you’re always showing off your view. Because the inside of the house is disgusting. "Look at my view. From my house, you can look out and see something really nice." The Philistines would've blocked the view... When you don't have appreciation, you do stupid stuff, like stopping up wells and overflowing the toilets... It was clogged already, Bernie. Like Rav Dessler teaches, you can't have jealousy and takers, and then appreciation. They can't coexist. And this is how you end up with no egg salad. Like the Philistines. Jealousy affects our heritage. It destroys people. And then you end up with the president of our board. It ends up being a Kiddish with no egg salad. And Rebecca hitting people for Oreos. Pulling out hair... And that is Halacha. Rivka's Rundown Exactly. A Kiddish with no egg salad. Says it all. Not much more to say. The rabbi made it clear that the Philistines are not Palestinians. Though Abbas said they are also descendants of Arafat. Very true. The more names you have makes you more religious. That includes parents' names with a Ben or Bat before them. If your name is Rebecca, you better have a mother with at least four names to get a good Frum Shidduch out of high school. Rebecca Bat Freida Blima Shaindel Bracha. Nobody showed up to the Why You Haven't Shown Up to Contemporary Halcha Class Yet Halacha class. I am guessing they didn't know why they didn't show up to that class either. Little Rebecca is crazy. She hates all Jews. At least it looks like that at junior congregation. The rabbi is correct. The youth should not be in for the sermon. There are enough grownups there that can’t pay attention for the forty minute sermons. The rabbi was saying the youth should be at youth groups. Makes sense. They're youth groups. Though, I have a feeling our new youth director took them into the sermon for safety. She figured Rebecca wouldn't pull hair in front of the Aron Kodesh. But she was wrong. Rebecca pulled out a chunk of Sarah Freida's head. After the rabbi said, "And that's Halacha," eight men jumped on Rebecca, to keep her from attacking anybody else, and to stop the possible idol worship ritual. Since when did big hats become something people get jealous of? I’m 100% with the rabbi. Yiddish does not match style. You can’t be posh and speak Yiddish. No French designer is out there selling Heimish clothes. You sell Heimish food. And that means egg salad. Heimish egg salad. Sheindel is also not a designer name for anybody not selling nightgowns and Tichels. Nothing was mentioned about Thanksgiving in the rabbi's sermon. I think he was extremely not happy to see all of the families visiting. Anything he was thankful for was overshadowed by the congregation. Most rabbis say, "It's great to see the children and the grandchildren." Our rabbi just gave a look of unhappiness and talked about stopping up wells. The rabbi considers congregants to be offspring. Therefore, offspring is not good. Offspring of who? Probably bad people. The Message as I Understood It: Ancestors are good. Grandparents messed up. So grandparents are bad. Grandparents are not ancestors. Ancestors are at least three generation ago, according to our rabbi. The shul family tree did not work out. It turns out that even though the Chachkin cousins married each other, the rest of the shul is not family. It also turns out people don't even know their parent's names for Yarhzeits. Calling up Aliyahs to the Torah sometimes takes fifteen minutes before somebody remembers the guy's father's name. Last week we had to help Steve. It took forty minutes before anybody could figure out the name of the guy who owned the corner store. That was Steve's dad. By the time they found out his name most of the congregants thought the sermon was over. That was a tricky move in the announcements. There was no egg salad. That was going to keep people from coming to shul, until they found out that there was no one to read the Torah and they could get out early, due to the lack of our membership's commitment to Mitzvahs. What kind of fools don’t put out egg salad at Kiddish?! One woman said, "Chumus is good too." Yes. If you’re having falafel. Which they serve anytime we have something going on that has anything to do with Israel. They had falafel on Israeli pizza night. I agree with the rabbi and the board that deviled eggs are not enjoyable. Paprika has to be mixed in for eggs to taste good. With all that paprika on top, it's too dusty. I feel bad for Maxine. Maxine made deviled eggs because Cheryl was saying, "No more egg salad." She thought she was doing the next best thing. Now she's going to have to do her cooking at home, and that costs more money. Purchasing a view is not a good idea on the money front. You get there and you start to think you should've bought your neighbor's house. The good one. “Look outside my house. Now that is nice. My neighbors. Now, that's a nice house.” Tags:
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Why did the Jews working in Jerusalem wear denim? They were Levis. You get it? Levi’s. Levis. Levi’s are jeans, made out of denim. Do Levites wear jeans when working in construction. I would like to think they wear jeans when putting up buildings. 
The plastic Jewish diet spoon. I got it from the caterer who didn’t have enough cake. The spoon did make the souffle look bigger... Since using it for breakfast, I've taken off a lot of weight. I have noticed it now takes longer to eat cereal. And most of the time, the Golden Grahams fall off the spoon, helping with more weight loss. A quite utilitarian utensil.
That other spoon is the old spoon I used to use. It held the cereal and I ate. I'm not going to use that again. 
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Decarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying. As with a deep hole, one should put a fence around the congregation, at least ten handbreadths high, so they stay away from you.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. Categories
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
6/8/2025
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