Jewish Puns X: Mordechai's Shivim Panim LaTorah

by Mordechai Stein

What kind of a kitten comes from the Middle East? A Chukat. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Chukat is the Parsha. You mispronounce it, and the pun works. Do the Israeli chach, 'Chet' sound for a while. And it can be funny. The Chu is the purr. This pun is all about delivery. It takes a lot of effort to make this one work. But if you commit, you can educate people on Hebrew, and how the Middle Eastern people talk.
 
How do you curse a nation? Bil-em. (Rabbi Mendel)​
You get it? Bill them. Bilam was the prophet Balak sent for to curse the Jews. When you say Bilam fast, it sounds like 'bill them.' You've got to say the pun fast. 'Am' is a nation. Bill the nation. Nobody likes paying bills. That's a curse. Educational. You can learn from puns too.
 
What do we call it when people can't find hot water for their coffee in times of morning? Bein HaMeykarim. ​(Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Now is the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning, called the Bein HaMeitzarim (between the sorrows). Bein HaMeykarim (between the cold waters) almost sounds the same. People mourn not having their coffee in the morning. Morning. Mourning. That's another pun you can work with. We're here to help.
 
How do Chasidim ask when you're going to read this week's Parsha? Masai.
You get it? Masai is the second Parsha we read that week. Matai means when. Masai is how Frum people say it. If the name of the Parsha wasn't Masai, we wouldn't have a pun this week.
 
How do you know it’s Tisha BAv? When you see the table on the ceiling. (Mordechai)
You get it? Knowing Yiddish helps with puns. Tish is a table. Above means above. Ceilings are above. You have to say Tisha BAv fast, with an American Ashkenazi accent, for this to work. On Tisha BAv we don't eat, so it doesn't matter if the table is on the ceiling.
 
They met for coffee on their Shidduch date. A few minutes later they were engaged in drinking. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Engaged to get married. They're just drinking. Engaged works for both. Coffee leads to engagement.
 
You may not like the taste of sand. Though, It tastes like desert. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Desert. Dessert. Jews ate Manna in the desert.. Don't know if that was dessert. We needed a no dessert in the desert pun. Mispronounce 'desert' and it's brilliant.