Americays worry about everysing. All time. Worry.

Worry About War
We've been in war so many year. Every tree year, we have war in Israel. Zey bomb. Boom. Ve know. Amerikay worry. Ehhh. Israel, we go ehhh drink. Eat falafel. Leeve life. You worry. Amerkay say and cry, 'I no travel to New York. Danger.' It's all the way Israel. You worry about other world side, ehhh. In Israel we feel bad for Amerikay. We got bombed. We worry, ehhh, they cry in America.
We feel bad, but we always bombed. When last war America? America go war, no soldier in America. All soldier far away.
You worry war now. It Europa. Russia live in Israel. Ve see dis. All goodie. Ukrainies and Russia same. 
No idea where Europe on map. Ehhh. You sink Ukraine one of fifty state. You cry, 'Oh no. Zey attack us.' You need look map. Ehhh. Map show you where you leeve. You leeve US. They leeve Ukraine. Ukraine no US.
You cry, sink zey move to US? Ehhh. Emmm. Ehhh.

Money
How ehhh muchie you need? You cry like baby, wah wah, 'Ehhh. I only two-hundred sousand dollar last year?' You worry. Saving of 5 million dollar. Ehhh. You need buy more house?! We make sirty sosand shekel. We rent. We happy.
How muchie you need? You need for after you die? (crying) 'Why? I no money to send great-grandchild to university.' (Crying with scream) 'My life too good. Why? Why? Why?'
You need two million shekel a year. Ehhh. For what? You visit Israel?

College
War. Now you worry college. (Amerikay cry gain) 'Need degree. Where I get 70 sousand dollar a year?!' There war. Now you worry university. 
Everysing worry. Ehhh. College. (Crying more) 'Oh no. Where I vacation spring break. Life so hard.' College fun. You learn. You stupeed. 70 sousand dollar stupeeed. You no make dis. I work Yanky's falafel, we make twenty thousand shekel. Ehhh.
You spend dees seventy sounand on college. you never Aliyah. You come Israel, everybody sink you stupeed. College Israel, seven sousand shekel.
Sevety sousand dollar for good jobe. Good jobe? Ehhh. Why? Why? Why? You work dis Walmart? 
Israel, you move? You no job. You sound no right. You sound Amerikay. Go to college and sound stupeed. Amerikay accent. No jobe. College and university 500 sousand dollar. No even say 'Ehhh Shalom' normaly. You need course college, ehhh no sound Ameirkay.
No college. No spendie all your money.

Health
​You no eat falafel. Eat falafel. Zeees ehhh healsie.
Amerikay eat helsy, dees eight falafel sandweech. Lunch. Amerikay eat helsy, ehhh, dees eatie eight healsie time. One meal. Eight meal. We eat one meal at one meal. Amerikay eat eight meal. (Cry) 'Why I so fat?' We give one falafel, you say, 'More.' You no eat meal. You eat day. All day. You no sit meal. Ehhh. You sit for day. Zen, you worry you eat too much. You do.
I see Amerikay eat. You eat dis. No ve-ge-ta-ble. Ehhh. (Crying Again) 'I want healsy. I no eat more.' You eat Amerikay or you starvie. You no can seet one falafel.

All Worry
Worry about hels. Worry about college. Worry war. Worry Money. Ehhh. Worry money, zen worry not shopping enough. (Crying more) 'We no shop. Need more clothes.' How much clothes you need? Ehhh. Your closet need more clothes? I see you new clothe everyday. Need shop. Need work. Ehhh, worry work. We have no jobe, Israel. Just Yanky's. I no work. I happy.
Worry politica. Ehhh. Zen worry more politica. (Cry) 'Why government no give money? Why government tax? Ehhh? Why gas?' You worry gas. You worry. You need bad. Ehhh. Bad. No worry. You say, 'Zis bad. OK. Life no good. I happy it bad.'
Leeve in Israel. No worry. We know we have no money. Ehhh. School government pay for. Zey take our tax. We know. We no worry. We no eat. We helsy.
Stop worry. You worry, you going to worry. All you do, worry. Zis activity for you. Ehhh. Worry time. (Crying again) 'What I do today? I worry. Zis what I do. I worry and shop. And worry I no shop ehhhh enough. And worry I spent too much. Zen I worry war... No idea where war is. But I worry leave home. I zen worry about college. Ehhh, my grandkids go college. Need to worry for zem. I no worry, who will worry for the next generation?... It's ehhhh zeh worry zath I worry zat is zeh hardest. I need helsy too. I need be helsy to worry. Ehhh. Zen I need money visit Israel where zey no worry. I shop zer too. I no have money to shop zer too. Zey have no Amerikay money. I worry for zem. War in Ukraine. What zey do in Israel? I worry.'
Zen, ehhh, you worry travel Israel, because you hear war in Ukraine. Worry it same country. We know it no same country. Ukrainiaim live in Israel.
Leevee Isrealie. Nosing have. Ehhhh. No worry. When bomb, you no worry. You know zer bomb. Zen you move to Israelie, you worry you good Oleh.

And zen zey worry. (Huge cry) 'I have kids. Oh no. Too much Nachis. Ehhh. Why me? Zis so nice.' Even good. You worry. Ehhh.
What we do for Ukraine? We worry. Ehhh. We stand in worry wis zem.

Kibbitzer Disclaimer: Please do not blame us for the grammar. Shmulik dictated this article. He demanded that he speaks the language correctly. He was literally crying every time he quoted an American.
To note, for your understanding. we wrote the headings in English.
We do not know if Shmulik really thinks that Russia is in Israel. He might be trying to say 'Russians live in Israel.'
He did use 'Ehhh' for a whole sentence. 
We do commend Shmulik's ability to mock people with anxiety. He mocked all of America for having anxiety. We have never met anybody else who could do this.

I ehhh visitie Amerikai summer. I see Jewly four. I love eet. Eet ehhh say 'Amerika greaty.' Dees why I love US of A and Jewly ehhh four.

Freedom to Practice Religion
I get off side of highway I do ehhh standie. I say Amidah prayer and I go to peeee. Just like in Israel. On side of highway we ehhh standie to peee and to pray. Even better, in US of A they have zis sing called 'restroom.' You go to pee and you fall asleep. So, I fall asleep and I wake up and zen I do Amidah prayer. It's on side of highway, but I get to go insidie.
Oh. Ehhh lots of shuls in Amerikai. Heree are eeeh lot of shuls that I will never step foot in. I heareee zis from Amerikai. I like ehhh no go shul. Shul made for Jewy to no go. In Israeli, we make shul so Jew go.

Anti-Semitism
It exists, but Americai are ehhh generally too proper to say it in a nasty way. Zey so nice. Zey say 'I ehhh no like Jew.' I say, 'Sank you. Very nice of you. I come again.' It like ehhh zey greet, 'Shalom velcome, we no want you.' 
I no go back country club. Zey say 'Jew no welcome hearie.' I say, 'I go, as long as zees no shul.'
​
OU on Everything
Everysing is kosher. Everywhere. I sink. I no know. I sink it kosher. It say OU or OR. It ehhh look same. I eat. Happy Jewly Four, sank you to Hashgacha kosher 'OR' on package.

Freedom of Expression
We can complain about anti-Semitism. In Israel, you complain, nobody care.

Shopping
Always ehhh great deal. Salie everywhere.
Ehhh I no need go shuk. I go Marshall, TJ, Kohly. Zey ehhh mitmakeyach, bargainy, for ehhh me. Zey say $100, zen cross out, and writie 50. Zen I see 10 dolllarie. Store bargainie for me. Ehhh it like shuk wees no argumenty. Zeh taggy fight wis eetselfie. Eet ehh say, 'no, I only payie $10.' I say 'sank you.' 
I see clearance rackie. I sink somebody lie.

BBQs
Ehhh celebrate Jewly of Four wis ehhh BBQ. I sought I was celebrating Israel Independence Day. I guess it's something we do around zeh vorld ehhh. Eet weird ehhh to see Amerikai celebratee Yom HaAtzmaut on ehhh Jewly of Four. I say zem, 'You supposed to do eeen ehhh May, zeh latest. Sometime Apreeel.' Even ehhh, I say sank you for ehhh BBQ for Israeli independent on Jewly of Four. Very nice of you. Sank you to Canada for ehhh our independence too.
Ehhh. We love BBQs. In Israeli, we do ehhh BBQ. Ehhh we call it ehhh Mangal. It's ehhh small. US of A do BBQ ehhh it huge. I sink ehhh size of BBQ eet ehhhh eees size of peeopolee. Amerikai ehhh beeg, ehhh cause ehhh BBQ ehhh beeeg.

Sunday and Monday Off
Israeli. We no even Sunday off. Hereee eet ehhh Sunday vMonday. Zees two day!!! Wallah. Ehhh zees independence. No go work, zees independence. Independence for Israeli. Sank you. Lovie Amerikana.

National Holidays
Zeees ehhh another day off. 
We have ehhh to get off for our holidays, and then walla! We also have to take off for zehh national holidays. Zeees working in Amerikaina zees summer makie good. Lovie. No work Sunday or holiday. It's ehhh good to be ehhh religious in Amerikai. Country give ehhh off holiday of country. Very religious country. 

Fire Workers
Zey ehhh have ehhh fire workers. Zey ehhh go boom. In ehhh Israeli, we ehhh hearee fire workers, ehhh we no know if ehhh zees war or wedding in Ramallah. Eizer way, we hearie boom and ehhh we go inside.
It ehhh boom, it ehhh bomb, we no know. Zees ehhh not ehhh Amerikai Jewishie songie, 'Booom Bomb Booom Booom Bomb, cheerie cheerie Boom Bomb.' We hearie boom, we no cheerie cheerie. It not way ehhh we say 'Shabbat Shalom,'

I now in New York. I love. It's like Israelie wis ehhh more ehhh Jews. I say 'Shalom' and they say 'Shalom.'
I love ehhh zis holiday. Not as much as Yom HaAtzmaut. Ehhh, it weird Amerikai no have ehhh Independence Day, just Jewly of Four. But ehhh I love zey make holiday just for Jew. Maybe it for my friend Jewly. I don't know.

Jewly Four Sameach

***Note: The Kibbitzer wrote his article through dictation of Shmulik. We gave up on spellcheck with the word 'ehhhh.'
Some of the 'this's had more 'e's. We left as is. We believe Shmulik is still celebrating Israeli Independence Day of July 4th, as we received this article three weeks ago and have not had another contribution from him since. We are writing this note after the 4th of July. If you see an Israeli running around with an American and Israeli flag, please contact us.

They say they Amerikay. Need keep two day Shavuot. Very funny.
We no in Chutz LAretz. We in Israel. How much blintze you need eat?

We do one day. It Israel. What you do day two? I do. You do. I don't know. More Blintze? 
Day two. I go supermarkety. Zey ehhhh eat ehhh. How much Amerkaniy eaty?

I say, 'who cook?' You no cook. No Shabbat. They cook. I mistakeee. Holiday you cookie.
I say, I go storee. Who you buy food? Zey no buy food. It miracle. Zey haveee all blintze. 2,000 blintze. I put on kilo. They ehhhh, Eight kilo. Two day celebrateee. Eight kilo Amerikay gain. Zis why they fatty. Two day Yom Tov. Two day blintze wisss cherry and cheese. Ehhh eight kilo. 
Miracle. Ferst day Chag, one kilo. Second day Chag. Second day, ehhhh seven kilo. Zey ehhh want weight. It holy fatyy.

I drivy car. I beep, say, 'Chag Sameach.' I say 'happy holiday.' I say English. Israel. One day. It Israel. We know day.
In Israel, they still wear suit. Studenties Amerikaneees very funny. We no wear suit all time. On Shavuot, no jacket. We no have suit. Very funny. We no suit. Zey wear suit to Tefilla-pray.
I go store. I say 'Shavua Tov.' Amerikay walk to Kotel. Zey walkie to Kotel in suit. I am no suit.
I drive. I beep. Zey ehhh sink I antee-Semee. I no antiee-Semite. I Jew. I beep, say 'Shavuot Happy.'
I eat meat. Zey ehhh lactoseee no. How Amerikashnazy eat blintze two day? I don't know. Nes. Zis miracle. No lactoseee, but they ehhh eaty blintze ehhh wis cheese two day. Very funny. I beep, I say, 'ehhh I milk man ehhh hereee.'

Pesach, they have one more day of Matzah. I haveee stomach BsederOK. Zey eat more Matzah. Zis vhy Amerikanee big heavy ehhh.
Then Sukkot. Simchat Torah wrong day. Zey danceee second night. We dance Shmini Atzeret. Zis Simchat Torah. I no dance sevent time around twice. Zey dance second night to be thineee. Zey need lose weight. They dance. Seven more time they dance and in suit. Lose Matzah and blintzeeee. 
​
​No holiday holiday. Very funny. Ehhhh, I don't know. I say Chag Sameachchchch

***From Kibbitzer Staff: Shmulik wrote this through dictation. We are trying to figure out how 'zey' and 'they' were both picked up.

Amereekayis orderring falafel is funny. I tell story.
​
Ameicano want line
He ask, 'Why you no wait line?' So cute. Amereekaiy comee and make line. I say, 'You see falafel, you go to where is.' He look for line. The line is at the ball. I get before heem.
I call Israeli friendees of me. Ehhh they come too. Whole neighborhood come and he steeel wait on line. I finish, he steeel line wait. 

How Much
Amereekaiy come and ask how much. 'How much?' Is thees steakeetyada. It no steak. It falafel. 500 shekel. What he sink?
Like he ehhhh get reeped off wis all. It's falafel. You pay extra five shekel. You sound funny. You speak wis that Americano accentee.
Dis no good. 
Come to falafel stand, like ehhhhh, 'what you have heere?' He sell falafel. It falafel stand. Like, they want salat. You want salat, I give you. I charge more. 

Dis vhy they ehhhh get reeped off. They ask like idiote. I no ask, I take.
He say 'why dis.' I say 'yes dis.' We both say 'I do you do.' So we do. Very funny.

Want deal? Falafel deal? What Amereekaiy sink? You get deal on all? Everyting ehhhh sale. He sink dis eees ehhh Marshall's. He look for clearance rack. No clearance rack at Amos Falafel. 'Falafel balls from last season. Three month old falafel, we give deal.'
Always want deal. American sink two for price of one. They give two balls for one.
He charge five more shekel. Price on wall. Amereekaiy no see it. 

He sink, zis Amereekaiy, zis falafel shuk. What he bargain? Like ehhh 'Two falafel for 20.' Zer sign here. And he walk away wis no drink. It say ploose drinkeee. He no read math? 

No Spicey
Two hours zey wait on line. He get to order. Wait. Somebody cut heem in middle of heees question about deal.
He finally order. He say, 'No Chareef.' No spicey? What you eat zen? Ehhh. Dis no gefilte feesh. 
So ehhh zey wait two hour for no spicey hot gefilte feesh balls. 

Deeees so funny. I stay. I eat two falafels. Laugh. And he pay.

I tell you of knew Olim next time. Why they move America?

***From Kibbitzer Staff: Sorry about the grammar. We tried. Spellcheck didn’t work.