Rabbi explained that his long speeches are inspired by Moshe’s speech in Devarim. At the shul's open meeting he spoke for two days.
Shabbat board games are a new thing in this congregation. We've had games nights every Saturday. It's during the day, but we have no idea what to call it. Game days drew nobody. We did one gameday and the non-Shomer Shabbat people showed up to the baseball stadium. They were mad the rest of the shul wasn't there that Shabbat. The rabbi thus ordained we can't call events game days or rain delays. Since we started, it’s been going on every week. Settlers of Catan seems to be Michelle's favorite game. It's the most talked about game. Nobody else knows how to play it. Monopoly is still huge. Rummikub is great. It makes people feel connected to Israel. It’s like playing with a lot of decks of cards, but with tiles. It was a beautiful memorial service this week for Shimon. There was no committee involved. I think that is the key to good shul events. No committee. Less people show up, as there is no committee to ensure that people will be there, but the event gets done. Next event I run we're going to have an attendance committee. The event will get done and they will argue about attending. The Matzah Ball Soup committee is doing well. It turned into a side hustle. Nobody is delivering to the sick, but people want the soup. We've been pocketing some decent money, we're pulling in off the sick people. That's the key to Chesed. Acts of loving kindness are best done for people when they're paying for them. Shul baseball outing was rained out. We still had the shul BBQ indoors. Nothing is going to stop our congregation from eating burgers. And there was no committee involved in that. Just a bunch of older guys, and all of them manned the grill. They don't man the Minyin. But they all show up to man the grill. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Congregants You step on stuff. ‘Ekev’. Your heal... No. It's not a pun. Yes. There is double meaning... You’ve stepped on the new couch. I don’t understand why anybody would put their shoes on a couch… Even if they’re off your feet, if they’re on a couch, you’re stepping on it… It’s the Mitzvot you step on. Stuff you think is unimportant. That is why we merit Israel… The Mitzvot you think are unimportant like Shabbat, speaking Lashon Hara, stealing… You steal from the shul. You don’t pay dues… You talk about Fran all the time… Yes. Bernie is annoying… Shabbat is. You just hauled your branch to shul for the shul sing along fire pit… It’s Shabbat, Frank… I am going to speak about the first Pasuk this week. I didn't have much time to prepare. I had other more important stuff to do, then work on a speech… Yes. Family. Sometimes you go to the baseball game. We did the doubleheader as a family… I’m an Abba. I vacation too. For my child. We already paid for the rained out one. And it was more enjoyable than having to sit with the congregants… I would’ve had to sermonize then… Every time I talk to you, I have to sermon you… Because you step on the Mitzvot… You stepped on my family vacation time... You call me with every question... I will still talk; as you all expect me to talk every week. I don't take off work, Dr. Fishbaum. Neither does Mrs. Goldbaum. That is why she can pay her dues… Even when I vacation, I’m still working… You call me with questions. And it is always Lashon Hara… There is a beautiful teaching this week, which the rabbi in our sister shul, Brith HaKehunah Hagadol vHaMitzuyan, the synagogue with an ego (calling themselves the Priest Great & Awesome Shul), will also be talking about. It’s a speech being given everywhere. Their new rabbi is not original. Even if they are great. They are not original. Talks just like me. Sermons… Last week, we learned in the Torah that H' repays those who do not follow His commandments and ordinances; as Rashi explains, with no place in the world to come, and a condo in Florida... in this world… Yes. There’s retribution. It’s divine. Which is why the game got rained out… Because you don’t take Shabbat seriously and you don’t walk in the rain. And it rains a lot in Florida too... Yes. The condo is very enjoyable… We are happy not seeing the Feldblums for three months a year… I am assuming some of the Feldblums would have a place in the world to come. What of the next world? Are we thinking of that? It all starts with a good relationship with Gd. I'm not asking for a good relationship with your spouse. I know too much about what goes on in the homes in this congregation... (Devarim 7:12) It will be 'because' we hear and practice these 'ordinances' which He commanded us, that H' will live up to his covenant of good with our 'fathers'… Avraham, Yitzchak and Yakov. I don’t know if Mark got anything good out of the divorce. That’s not a decent covenant for Cooper and Vanessa. They’re good kids… If they keep the Mitzvot, they’ll be good kids. Do you want the covenant of Israel and a nation, or alimony? That is what our children must think about… I do not know what the covenant is, but it is good. Rashi (Devarim 7:12) expounds on the word used for 'Because', עקב, as it means heel. It is the 'easy commandments that one tramples upon.' It is because we view the easy commandments as not important. You trample on them. You don't think about them. You space out… Yes. Shabbat is important. The congregation doesn’t view it like that… They would come on a rain day if… This isn’t a baseball game. Shul doesn’t get rained out. You trample on rain… Shabbat can be easy if you love it. It’s not easy to space out though… Mark’s kids space out… They are constantly listening to phone fights between their parents. We need a shul covenant... To get a Minyin. You never show up. Which Mitzvot do we step on, as if they are not important? Lashon Hara for one. Speaking bad about other people... I am speaking about Lashon Hara again... In the same speech. The same way you talk about Chaim all the time. And Fran... Am I correct Mrs. Feigeinbaum. Nobody can stand next to you at kiddush without hearing some story about how there has been weight gain in the community… Mr. Bergstein. Which Mitzvot aren't important to you? Lets see. Your neighbors aren't very important. You stepped on your neighbor's flowers. What else did you step on? Your neighbor’s driveway. Coveting your neighbor’s wife is not a positive commandment Mr. Bergstein… We step on this shul's floor with our heels. Dr. Fishbaum, people's dues paid for the carpet… And the couch. You don’t put your shoes on a couch. I still don’t get it. What kind of home did you grow up in?... (Devarim 7:12) If we heed these commandments as important and 'guard them, to do them', then 'H' will guard his covenant and kindness that he swore to our forefathers.' It's a relationship of deeds we share with H'... H' helps. You wouldn't know. You don't guard the MItzvot... You heed nothing. The shul can't even get a security guard to stay... It is those commandments you people in this congregation step on, of acting kind… You snobby people who care so much about building a Sukkah, that looks like a group of homes built by building disabled Jews… It's not a soup kitchen. Soup goes cold right away out there... It’s an embarrassment. But you don't care to do a chesed for your friends. Instead, you build these gaudy Sukkahs that brings down the value of the neighborhood… You built the Sukkah out of concrete. Can’t take it down. People now climb it and step on it… A Sukkah. It's a Sukkah, but you step on the rest. Guard the other commandments too... Yes. They're all important... Your rabbi needs to sleep, but you steal that… Stealing sleep is an Aveirah. You can't even heed my sleep... It’s stealing. You expect him to do all these Bar Mitzvah parties and smile for these kids who show up once a year… It’s a Bar Mitzvah. They did nothing. Mike did more, yelling at the kid for messing up… The speeches are embarrassing: 'Hear is a siddur. Put it next to your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Maybe you will open it then. Maybe you will use one of these if your family ever makes it to shul, after Yom Kippur'... We need more heeding... I do that act of Chesed, with the children of this congregation, even though I do not want to, and see no value or Jewish future for this kid... We do it, because it is Chesed. The covenant of hope. Like H', who gives us a chance. We give these heretic families a chance. And we pay our dues… Yes, Dr. Fishbaum. The heretic Bar Mitzvah kids pay dues... Their parents pay. We must heed. It is painful. If we want to enjoy the life after this one, we have to suffer with congregants who are apikorsim. Heretics… Trample on Apikorsim. We have to trample on Apikorsut. Heresy must be trampled on. This congregation must be trampled… You trample on the Mitzvot. Heed!!! Trample the heretics for the blessings of this world... Yes. Israel is a blessing... The heel is about connecting with the lower part of the body, what we assume is not as important… None of you do squats. I’ve seen you at the JCC gym… Just as the kids in our school view their footwork, when that is why they are losing the games. That is why I gave you this speech, as not important as it is. It is the unimportant, which connects us to Gd. It is the unimportant that view, which is what keeps our relationships holy… I didn't say to do the important stuff... Mr. Bergstein, being faithful to your wife is unimportant to you. But it is that faithfulness which is what your covenant with her is based on. Covenants are about the unimportant. Forget about the commandment to not kill. A relationship is not based on not killing… The Ramban explains that in Torah, the 'head' refers to the beginning and the 'heel' refers to the end. You are shallow. You do not care to see the end effect… When you hired me, it was all smooth. It was great... I should've seen what was coming... The game was rained out… We bought the tickets already… No need to list the amount of money that went into the new faces we see here today in this congregation. Your doctors did a great job, and you are supporting members of the congregation when you do your reconstruction. But where is that money going to in the end? Has Dr. Fishbaum paid his dues...You are sure?... So I am not correct. He has paid his dues. I am sorry Dr. Fishbaum. It is the easy stuff that we trample upon. It is the easy commandments that we overlook. In the end, it is the easy commandments that will bring our redemption of the covenant, and our new rabbinical lounge wing... Yes. There will be couches there. And no shoes… Learn Torah and do Mitzvot… That’s the lesson… Yes. That’s been the lesson every week… Bat Mitzvahs should learn… If you learn you can conquer the land… 'Remember Egypt' (Devarim 7:18)… Keep Shabbat and you will win the war... We lose all the time because of Lashon Hara... Yes. Food comes from learning… It’s not from the sweat of your brow, but from H’… Exactly. That’s why we remember the Manna… If you remember the relationship, the small things are important... You have to cook and work for food... I know the Manna was given to us... So learn and food will be given... Yes. The sisterhood will cook for you and the brotherhood will man the grill... (Devarim 7:21) ‘Don’t be broken because H’ your Gd is amongst you.’ When H’ is with you, you are whole. You have a family... Because you didn't trample on it... Know that Gd is with you... He would be if... Flowing with milk and honey. Also got land made out of iron... Yes. It would be perfect for Settlers of Catan. But you don't know how to play it... Gold and silver is an abomination (Devarim 7:25) ‘lest you be ensnared by it.’ To be fascinated by money is an abomination. Did you see the new rims on Fran’s car? An abomination... Know what you are using it for... Don't trample on the gold and silver and use it as grills.... Would ever step on gold or silver? That’s the question Used in the Temple, it’s holy. Keter Torah. the crown of Torah, is not an abomination... Use the rims that were worshipped to make a Keter Torah, that’s an abomination. There’s holiness. Heed it... Think about what you trample on. Don't waste the money. Use it for a gym membership and do some squats... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon The rabbi is sick of speaking to an out of shape congregation. It's the summertime and people are wearing shortsleeves. You can see how out of shape they are. The lesson of the Manna was beautiful. Everybody stopped working. Shul had more people there. People thought it was a better financial plan. Once they started losing money and mortgage hit, the shul went back to having a hard time getting a Minyin. Mark and Simone’s divorce was a tough event for the community. Nobody showed up to that event. It was raining that day. It was supposed to be a celebration, but nobody showed due to rain. The members refuse to go anywhere in the rain. It frizzes up the hair. The rabbi brought up the divorced population to make the point of how messed up the housing is. Renovations on homes needs to be done. He also used that to segue back into how he needs to spend time with his children. The rabbi did use his family to get out of work. He guilted us into the family importance speech. He vacationed with his family, by himself, at a spa. The rabbi brought around the whole lesson of Ekev being the Mitzvot you step on with your foot, when he told people they step on the driveway when they’re walking. Putting shoes on the couch was a bit much. Every woman that walks to shul has walking shoes. They call them walking shoes, because they walk in them. I’ve never heard of walking shoes anywhere else. I’ve heard of running shoes and skating shoes. Until I joined Congregation Beis Emes Usefilah, I had no idea that walking shoes was its own category. Then, when they get to shul, the women put on their Shabbis shoes. Those are shoes you wear on Shabbis. They can be flats or high heels. That depends on the woman. Shabbis shoes can never be ultra-high heels. Fran might wear ultra-highs, but we wouldn’t know. She’s getting close to 90. People are now treating the couches with respect. They think that's their key to getting Olam Habba (world to come). The rabbi brought up Brith HaKehunah Hagadol vHaMitzuyan because they are also trying to poach our members. When he said that the rabbi there also gives long sermons like him, all the congregants decided to not go there. Many said they would never step foot in there. It was a good move by the rabbi. ‘The evil you know is better than the evil you don’t know,’ to quote Sadie. The rabbi really cares about the youth summer basketball league. He wants his daughter to finally win. She’s not good and he’s depending on the other families to help her win. I think his message of keeping Shabbat and not speaking Lashon Hara, along with the idea of not trampling on the commandments, lost their message in the rabbi's anger at the loss in the inter-shul eight year old summer basketball league. Though it’s not a Mitzvah, people ended up working on their basketball. Many even decided to take up pickleball. Some even stole courts to play. Michelle hosted a Settlers of Catan lesson day. She seems to be teaching it every games night, to the same people. They are calling it 'Settlers' now. That's cool. Just shortening the name is real cool. She has also got the right-wing members of the congregation to play. They feel like they're supporting the Jews living in Yehudah-Shomron by playing it. They are going to get rid of ore and change it for milk and honey. The rabbi's question to us all was profound. 'If a synagogue outing day game gets rained out, does anyone see the shul's name on the billboard?' The shul sing along is not happening again. The harmony we hear in shul did not get better with the firepit and the guitar. Tags:
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American Jewish Life
•(JTA) Food Vendors return to the stadiums, which means there is kosher food at the baseball games. Anybody who is a kosher Jew who vegan and only drinks Coke will have no problem finding food at stadiums throughout America. To quote one Jewish fan in Baltimore, where they serve kosher hot dogs at Camden Yard, 'Now I have a reason to go to the game. Before they brought back the food, I had no idea what I was doing at this thing.' SHUL LIFE •As pandemic rules loosen, Kiddishes, post service snacks, are back. In response to food being served, attendance at shul is back up, along with attendance at Baltimore Orioles games. They would serve Kiddish at Orioles games, but they know that nobody would pay; they would just show up late and eat a lot. With the rise in attendance, shuls still can't get a Minyin. As expressed by a member of the shul board, 'We come for the Kiddish. If the Kiddish is at 11:30am, that is when I am showing up. I pray for a piece of meat in my choolante. I don't need to show up for Shacharit for that prayer.' Many congregations are starting to serve Kiddish at 9am, so that members will be there for the prayer services too. Israel •Israelis are starting to give people sixty and over a third shot. Some would like their pension. They are happy the government is at least giving them a shot. It's a start. •Ben and Jerry's makes statement that their ice cream cannot be sold in the "territories" (JPost). Little do they know that nobody in "the territories" can afford their ice cream. At $8 a pint at the supermarket this news is extremely irrelevant to anybody living in the settlements. Ben and Jerry's also says they're not going to renew their license in Israel. Neither will the Kibbitzer staff (that addition is from Tzachi who lives in Haifa and has gotten a lot of speeding tickets. The police will arrest him if he drives). Bibi has been fighting this Ben and Jerry's decision to not sell in Israel fiercely, as he really likes ice cream. Finally, a cause that all the Likud can get behind. First it was the British Mandate, then independence, then intifadas, then Phish Food ice cream. Ben and Jerry, the founders, say they support Israel and their former company's decision, as they made clear that they are pro-Israel and pro-Israel's destruction. Now Israelis are trying to figure out how they will be able to eat ice cream. They've gotten too used to adjectives, nouns and adverbs in their flavor's names. As many Israelis have said, 'I cannot go back to Vanilla. I need adjectives and people's names on my ice cream. I don't do Vanilla unless if there is a Chunky Monkey in it.' (Rachel, of the Kibbitzer, is angry at Ben and Jerry and she is happy to finally be able to eat normal ice cream that tastes good, and doesn't hide behind names and weird concoctions that mess up a nice vanilla chip ice cream with cherries- Rachel truly does not like Ben and Jerry's ice cream. It's too hard and it is not at all creamy. She also doesn't like Cherry Garcia's music, whoever he is). If they cared about Israel, Ben and Jerry's would've at least come out with some flavors like SettleMint Chip, and Jerusalem of Gold Coffee Caramel (they have that brownish goldish color, sometimes). It would've been nice if there was a Shlomi Garcia. And many have known all along that Chubby Hubby is an anti-Semitic slur that Ben and Jerry's was using to define Ashkenazik men. To Ben and Jerry's, let it be known that we are not chubby, we retain water. (Mark takes offense to chubby Jews and is worried Ben and Jerry's will try to kick them out of the settlements). Sports •Qualifying for the Olympics in 2020, that didn't happen, Beatie Deutsch is an inspiration to all the Jewish women who are now ready to compete in a skirt and leave their children at home. To quote a mother of eight from the Settlements, who chooses to remain anonymous, 'When I saw her out there for two and half hours in the middle of that run, without her children anywhere near her, I understood why she was doing it. I know why she chose the marathon.' To quote another mom who doesn't want to lose the love of her family, 'If my kids needed something, I could compete. I run out of the house real fast.' The orthodox Jewish mother, Beatie 'Deutsch was featured in Adidas’ “Impossible is Nothing” campaign (JTA).' Though it is impossible to have competed in the 2020 Olympics, competing a such a high level, she proves to all that you can be an athlete even if you're Jewish. Other than baseball, we did not know this was possible. •Lydia Jacoby won a gold medal. She is not Jewish, but has been considered Jewish by many since winning the gold medal. It is Jewish tradition to accept people as Jewish, if they have a Jewish name, when they win a championship. Adidas may offer her a deal where she brings pride to all the Christians, letting them know they too can be athletes. They need a win too. Christians should know they can be athletic. LOCAL ANTI-SEMITISM - SPECIAL REPORT •Yes. It still exists. •Robin Wilt, a town councilwoman in Rochester NY's Brighton neighborhood, with a large Jewish population, has made it clear to the Jews that she doesn't like them. As she says about Jews, "Friends were just bigots themselves, lying in wait to excoriate a Black woman." We at the Kibbitzer would disagree with Robin, but that would make us bigots. Whatever Robin believes, let it be known we agree with her. To quote Robin: “I know it’s hard in a town that has a significant Jewish population to stand up for Palestinian human rights.” She hashtaged 'free Palestine.' We are trying to understand this. It's hard in a town with Jews? It's hard to say that Jews don't belong in Israel in a town with Jews? It's hard in a town with Jews to call Jews bigots? Much of the Jewish community of Rochester is not happy. We do empathize with Robin, as she has it very hard. It's hard to hate Jews in a town of Jews. It's hard to say you hate Jews when you're representing them. It's hard to call them bigots and tell them that Israelis should die. It's hard on Robin. It's very hard to speak out against Jews when there are so many Jews living in your town. We agree with her and empathize. We've tried hating Jews, but it's hard to hate Jews and have them want to read your material when you're a Jewish magazine. We understand that it's hard for her to say she hates Jews, and it's the fault of the Jews living in Brighton. We apologize on behalf of the Jews of Brighton for being Jewish. They should be ashamed. Keep strong Robin. This is the first time Jews have ever complained about having leaders that hate them. Until Bibi connected with them on ice cream, he also didn't like most of the Jews in Israel. To quote a resident, who would like to remain anonymous, as their question is racist, 'We are trying to figure out when working on the Brighton Town Council has became an international position, with need to comment on foreign affairs. We are still trying to figure out how rockets from Gaza affects the budget at French Road Brighton Elementary School.' In Robin's defense, she is an official in a small town in Upstate New York, and she has no idea what Palestine is. She also knows nothing about Israel or its history. She also doesn't know that Israel has many arab citizens. She has the right to express her opinions. She feels very passionate about them. Tags:
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This is a built bungalow. Structure is a porch, made of half inch plywood, anchored to the ground by stilts. (photo credit Pinterest and everywhere else)
Other than wearing nightgowns, what do people do in The Mountains, living at the bungalow?
SHOPPING & EATING Those are the activities. Eating and shopping for food to eat. Pizza: You Define a Jewish Town by Pizza The Woodbourne block gives you the full experience of Jewish New York, and that is what you are looking for when you leave New York to go to The Mountains. The experience includes eating. Pizza shops, knishes, and more eating. There is New York style pizza; thus, Woodbourne is Jewish. You can now find kosher pizza shops in Monticello. South Fallsburg is loaded with pizza. Pizza all summer. That is the nutrient of The Mountains. Pizza. What came first? Jews or pizza? Please help me answer this. Grocery Shopping They had Shop Rite, but that did not satisfy the full New York Jewish experience of being on vacation outside of New York. Hence, they opened a “Landau’s New York Supermarket”, so the Brooklyn experience of being on vacation away from Brooklyn in The Mountains could be enjoyed. Amazing Savings If Amazing Savings did not exist, The Mountains would not be Jewish. All people in bungalows go shopping at Amazing Savings. Jews need to buy tin pans. Walmart was enjoyed by the Jewish people of The Mountains until they didn’t allow us to return stuff after two months. Talk about chutzpah! I ask you, what am I supposed to do with my purchase of the lawn chairs after the summer?! PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES IN THE MOUNTAINS This happen accidently. You're shopping and you can't find your car in the parking lot, you're stuck doing a physical activity. Other than that, you end up in water because it's hot. Here is how these activities work in The Mountains. Hikes Allow me to explain how hikes work in The Mountains: Anytime you walk in The Mountains that is a hike. If there is no sidewalk, that is a hike. Mothers pushing their babies up and down the main roads of Monticello, that is a hike. Anytime there is a chance of finding a salamander, that is a hike. This includes a salamander you found under your bungalow. You step outside, see an animal that is not a human, that is a hike. It is exercise. Can't find your car, now you're on another hike. Anytime you have a bottle in a bag, that is a hike. Bottle in your hands, that is a walk. Walking in your nightgown is a hike. Anybody walking to the pizza shop when they could be driving, is hiking and losing weight. If you are from New York and you are surrounded by trees and grass and you go for a walk, that is a hike. The Lake There is always a lake nearby. You do not swim there. You swim in the pool that is built right next to the lake. The correct terminology is 'take a dunk.' You take a dunk in the pool. I am not sure if there is actual swimming. I have seen people in pools, but I am not sure if they are swimming or standing there. Hours of swimming It's important to know and understand these hours. Men’s Hours- Hours at the Bungalow or Hotel pool that men do not want to show up to. Note: If women show up to these hours, it is tradition to not complain. See Women’s Only Hours for when men want to go. Women’s Hours- Hours at the pool that women love. Sentence: ‘Thank Gd, B"H, there are no men here. They're disgusting... ’ See Men’s Hours for swimming times that men do not want to be at. Mixed Hours- When the bad Jews go swimming, and all the other people go to sunbathe. Boating Jews do not use motorboats. They go boating with an oar. It’s all part of the Jewish tradition of reliving slavery. No Surfing That is too tiring. If you see anybody outside of the boat, that is a man overboard. No Fishing Finding kosher food is time consuming enough. Waiting to catch a fish is not something we have time for, when you're trying to find the right kosher supervision on the tartar sauce package. Swim with Shirt, Skirt or Dress This is done either because of modesty or because your one-day South Beach diet did not shed all the extra pounds. Don’t be crazy. Nobody swims in a nightgown. Sitting Sitting and watching kids do stuff is the number one activity in The Mountains. Chasing them is not something you do. If your children are running and yelling in the pizza shop, there is no reason to do anything if they're not bothering you. Shopping and eating are the activities. That's what I've concluded. If you end up walking by accident, that might be another activity. And there's a pool, but a dunk is not an activity. Dunking is only an activity if you're eating french fries. I have seen the people of The Mountains and they sweat when eating fries. They get involved in that activity. Next time you are looking for the New York City experience, go to The Mountains. Join me for some New York City pizza and hike down the road to Amazing Savings. I am even happy to spend some quality time sitting on the bungalow colony lawn with you, in nightgowns. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: VaEtchanan7/23/2021 
Committees met. A lot of committees met. The shul is now working on a new ‘committees’ concept. The board feels that more people need to be involved in meetings. Otherwise, things will get done. When things get done, we end up with a communal quilt for the ark cover.
The board wants less accomplished, so they are forming more committees. This way they can get more people involved in arguing. It helps with the new concept of people feeling like they have a stake in the shul. The rabbi was fielding most of the anger till the committees began. Why do we need a committee to visit the sick? I believe that is a good question. As the rabbi said, this way we’ll know why it’s not getting done. My argument is that it’s a Mitzvah and we should do it due to the basic commandment of ‘following in H’s ways.’ The other congregants on the committee didn’t agree. They believe that Avraham was sitting outside the tent to get a tan. He wanted some sun, and then Gd sends angels and has him worrying about Sarah giving birth. This has led to nobody delivering soup to the sick, due to fear of bothering the sick. Matzah ball soup has been in the shul freezer for three months. Nobody is delivering it. Politics is still big in our town. The local government hates Jews. They made that clear a few weeks back when they said ‘we hate Jews.’ Mrs. Milt is now bringing in anti-Semites from other communities, as our town doesn’t house enough Jew haters. She considers the lack of Jew hatred racism. And she vows to fight that. Mrs. Milt said it’s OK for the non-town members to be at the town meeting, as they are activists and they hate Jews. She is a big supporter of activism. She doesn’t support ‘Jews for getting rid of Mrs. Milt’ though. That’s where her activism stops. As she said, ‘It has to be against Jews for it to be considered activism. If it's against Israel, it is pro minorities.’ She also made it clear that there are no minorities in Israel. Only majorities. Our friend, Tony, started a town jogging group. Mrs. Milt doesn’t support that. Mrs. Milt insisted that they run with picketing signs. Tu BAv Shabbat is this week. The Jewish holiday of love and marriage is upon us. There’s no love. We need more singles in the community. We’re thinking of getting Mrs. Milt to bus in singles. She knows how to bring in the activists. Maybe some of them have very strong feelings about getting married. Rachel is still single. At least we have one single person in the community to talk about. Otherwise, this holiday would’ve been a letdown. She needs a committee. We have an important Yahrzeit this week of a Tzadik in our community who passed. The community usually mourns this week by having a dinner with whitefish and tuna salad. Mourning should always be done with stuff that tastes good on bagels. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shalom To all of the heretics... We welcome all. Like at the seder... In this week's Parsha, Moshe continues to tell the people how much they messed up his life. What I could have been if I wasn't a rabbi, listening to you all nag and complain all the time about the rabbi's wages… It’s the same way our people complained in the dessert. But do I complain? No… I would’ve never complained about Moshe’s tent… Even if it was nice, Bernie. Moshe continues to tell his story. He’s about to die, so the people finally listen. This is the first time they’re not complaining... If they thought he wasn't going to die, they would've complained about water again. Do you know what I go through with the board?!... We ran out of soda at Kiddish. So drink water. There's no drought here. We have a fountain... Ice again?! At this point, Moshe tells them about how he prayed to Hashem. He prayed to enter the Land of Israel. He tells the Jewish people that he prayed… Because they messed it up for him. Do you know how many vacations you messed up for me? I was supposed to be in Israel this summer. You didn't let me see it... I am not praising the board. H' already allows me to go to Israel... How does the board override H'? It's wrong... The prayer didn't fully work. Moshe doesn’t get to go to Israel. He wants to go Jerusalem, the good mountain (Devarim 3:25, Rashi). I wanted to go to Haifa and the Golan too. The board killed that vacation. Moshe can’t go, but he gets to see it… As we know, praying doesn't always get you what you want. Our children's basketball team lost again… How much praying can we do for Pinny to hit a foul shot? Shimon wanted to go to Israel again… It’s his Yahrzeit. Can we talk about him? He prayed. You prayed… Shimon would've love to visit Israel too. But he is no longer with us... You can let your rabbi go... He passed. It's his Yahrzeit A few minutes about a Tzadik... Can we talk about him? Can you stop complaining about Kiddish for a bit?... He didn't talk during prayers. You guys prayed for him... What kind of Tehillim were you saying?... Do better next time… Do a better job. You don't focus. I've seen your Amidah. You've got to focus more in prayer... So that people can live... You pray wrong. Moshe describes his prayer with the word ואתחנן/VaEtchanan (Devarim 3:23). I don’t know what that means. Rashi explains that ואתחנן is a form of prayer in which we ask for Gd to be compassionate… We need a lot of compassion if these committees are going to work out. Do you have any compassion for the sick… You don’t deliver the chicken soup. At least send a matzah ball. The shul chef thought it was stock… There were Matzah Balls in the Kugel. Nobody makes Matzah Ball Kugel. Moshe is a Tzaddik… A righteous person. A standard that the members of the committees don’t live up to… Yes. Every member of the shul has been placed on a committee. But you know who was a Tzaddik? Our great community leader, Shimon, who passed away. Always gave us whitefish. He knew that whitefish was better than tuna for everything, other than a tuna melt… Moshe doesn't bring the people to Hashem over here… How much does a leader have to carry a people… No. I am not speaking out against Moshe. I am not an activist. I am bringing up the fact that Moshe asks for compassion from H.’ If he brings the people, H’ sees them, we don’t know if there will be compassion… In defense for his prayer, he goes at it alone. The same way our children didn't play defense against Saint Catherine's… If I were to have to carry you in my requests all the time... I do. That's why I never get a decent answer. Moshe knows that he's still the leader and the people are holding him back. Like the way Shana held me back the other day when I was trying to get home from dinner. ]Moshe asks for a gift. That's his prayer. Rashi (Devarim 3:23) says that VaEtchanan, the word used for prayer, comes from the word ‘chanun,’ and that is the language of a ‘free gift.’ Moshe is asking for a free gift. A gift in which he wasn't deserving… He was a Tzadik and he is begging H’ to have compassion to give him a gift. You don’t deserve the Care Bear. You lost the ring toss at the Chanukah carnival last year. Get over it... And you lost at Simon Says too… We don’t deserve anything. It’s a gift from Gd… No. You pay dues. Gd gives you the money to pay your dues... We're not entitled. He is teaching us that we have to pray for our gifts... Of life, Bernie... It comes from Gd's kindness. The home, job, kids... So you lose sleep and your savings... Rachel is single. We have to pray for her. She needs a gift from Gd if she is going to meet somebody… It’s Tu BAv. This is her chance… She needs Gd's help. It’s Tu BAv. This is her chance… We are going to say Tehillim right now... For Rachel When we get something from H’. Just the ability to pray. It is a free gift. A gift from Gd. Rachel hasn’t met anybody, so she has not received a gift. This is why we mess up prayer. Complaining. You all expect... You expect that the committees will do something... The Jews were always complaining in the desert. Entitlement was their issue. Kind of like every child in this congregation that doesn’t say ‘Thank you’ when you hold a door for them. You are entitled to nothing, but you still complain. You do not ask for gifts, because that is beneath each and every one of you. Instead, you demand. You have to much pride... How you can be prideful when your lawn looks like... You deserve a free membership? Well apparently you think so Dr. Fishbaum. You haven't paid your dues yet... Yeah it is painful- but we pay dues. What else do you all in this congregation think you deserve? A faster davening. Moshe prayed. He didn't do it fast. He also didn't have a chazan that likes to sing the same tune, over and over again... Yes, it sounds the same. Spice it up a little. Maybe a bit faster. Maybe H' won't fall asleep too. Yet, you all pray with a sense of entitlement, for your big house and big car, and then you lose it to the bank. But you don't pray to the bank. Do you? Do you? Do you!!!! You pray for the meaninglessness of a house, when you are living in a desert. And you pray for it all in America. We are a Jewish congregation and you all pray for your promised land in America... This is not a Mormon congregation. And they do correctly pray for their promised land; which is why they also beat our children in basketball. Moshe prays for entrance into the Land of Israel... Maybe he had it wrong. Maybe he should have been praying for entrance into America; like most of our Jewish brethren, as America has a better retirement plan… That seems to be what you all pray for. And Marshall's has better deals... You can't find a decent clearance section in Israel... You pray for the wrong things. Moshe just wanted to see Israel (Devarim 3:25). And we can’t even make a shul trip happen… You would rather go to Marshall's. Moshe prayed for something meaningful. And how many of you have been to Israel? How many of you care to go? How many of your children think it is their Birthright? Birthright? It is your privilege.... Your children go. They pay nothing and then say it is too hot and you didn't give them enough money for alcohol. Josh didn't bring you back Ahava lotion. Dr. Fishbaum, he spent your dues on alcohol. But he was drinking with Jews. Beautiful... Moshe didn't expect it. He prayed to enter the land... And he didn't even think about what bars he was going to hit, Mitch. And maybe that is why he had the most successful congregational trip to Israel of all time... He didn't make it, but his congregants went. Dvarim rabba- teaches that at a time of pain, is when we pray for the free gift from Gd. The gift in which we understand we are not deserving. May we be fortunate enough to feel that pain, so that we can appreciate what we receive from H.' I feel that pain every day I have to see the people at the Minyin. It’s painful to see their depressing faces. It’s the worst way to welcome in the morning. And every day, I pray for the gift of a happier crowd at Minyin… Smile. I know it’s six thirty in the morning. But smile, Bernie. And may our children not be an embarrassment. May we pray, and realize we are not deserving. And may the children practice a bit, so we can win a game. On this here day, following Tu BAv, may we all pray for all the desperate single souls in this congregation for each and every one of them to find their spouse, so that we may procreate the Jewish people, and that they may be useful members of the community... They are not deserving. They know it. Single people should be praying well. All the single people please stand up. Rachel. Stand up… She’s single. You can all see them in the back of the room, as they are too embarrassed to be seen. Feygel, please help set them up at kiddush. May we bow our heads in prayer. 'Oh H'. May these undeserving souls; as they have not deserved anybody yet. Please find a special somebody, to help them have some sort of meaning in their life. Give them something to make their lives not totally meaningless. May they also be able to smile one day, like me and my wife. Look at her. She is so amazing. And they have nothing. May they have a home, in which to yell and get out their anger too. A home in which they care enough, unlike the other members of this congregation, to go to Israel, as Moshe. To let their rabbi go to Israel.' Amen. And now, may all the single people please remain standing, as we are going to match you up... Rachel, remain standing... Anybody have a white dress for her... Moshe just wants to see Israel. Why? He wants to make sure all will be good. He wants to see a positive future that he affected… We want to see Rachel get married already. Shabbat Nachamu is this Shabbat... Does VaEtchanan not sound like Nechama? It all comes together to me comfort. We need Nechama. We need something decent to happen this week in this congregation. We messed it up for Moshe. H’ was angry with Moshe because of us (Devarim 3:26)… Yes. You mess things up for your leaders. I should be on vacation now… It’s the summer, Bernie. We don’t always get what we want. Moshe understands he is not entitled when H’ tells him to stop asking. But he gets to see it. There is a Nechama knowing things will be decent in the future. I don’t see that with our youth. Pinny is our best player and he can’t hit a shot... He doesn’t cross the Jordan. H’s compassion only goes so far for Moshe. But He tells Moshe to give Joshua strength and resolve, ‘for he is to cross before the nation and cause them to inherit the land’ (Devarim 3:28). I am here to give you all strength now, knowing that you are deserving of nothing. It is all H’s gift. Compassion. Understand that and you shall be strong my pupils. We are praying for a decent future. I just want to see it good for the next guy that will have to deal with you... There is no hope for me. You've been painful. Instead of going to Israel, Moshe is told to strengthen Yehoshua. The same way I try to strengthen the Gabai... I put him on a decent training program but he never hits the gym. His hagba is horrendous... And what is Moshe’s first move? To talk about Mitzvot. Keeping the commandments… The strength of Yehoshua is the Jews keeping the Mitzvot… I feel weak right now. This shul keeps none of the Mitzvot. Simmy sins... if you said Tehillim better, the gabai would be able to carry a Torah... Strength on the congregants. A leader gets his power from the congregants. Don't blame me for the messed up shul BBQ... I told them 'hamburgers'... As Perek Daled starts (Devarim 4:1) ‘Now Israel hear the decrees and laws that I teach you today to do’… Yes. You have to do them… I know it’s a nice thing… I don’t teach the Mitzvah class so that Yanky can space out. Or so that Rivka can think about how hard they are to keep… ‘in order that you shall live, and come and inherit the Land...’ That says it all. How do you keep the Mitzvot? (Devarim 4:2) ‘Don’t add a to the word that I command you, nor shall you subtract.’ You don’t have committee meetings about Torah. You don’t get to make up Jewish laws based on if it’s too hot outside… You added that strawberry to the chocolate and peanut butter cake... You killed it. There was peanut butter. It was perfect... No. We are breaking up the Halacha committee… Bernie and Sadie should not be deciding what Mitzvot we keep as a congregation… We are going to continue with Rosh Hashana this year... I know the two days is a lot, and the cooking is hard. But it's rewarding. That's how we celebrate... No. We're not going to have a countdown and a party. We celebrate with asking for compassion. A free gift. I am asking for everybody’s compassion here. A simple gift of prayer… Prayer that is not as painful as listening to our Chazan. When a community does their best, does the Mitzvot, they can follow in H’s ways, and the sick people can merit to see their Matzah Ball soup. Rachel. There’s a simple commandment to have kids… I am just saying. Somebody should have compassion for Rachel. Find her a Shidduch. Maybe pray for her... A free gift for her. A guy finally paying for her drink for once. My wife never has to pay... As Shabbat Nachamu is upon us, somebody should have compassion for Rachel. Find her a Shidduch. She needs help. Pray for her soul. May there be Nechama and may we merit a shul trip to Israel soon. May Rachel have Nechama knowing that the other kids in the congregation are all dating. They have a chance to get married soon. She should merit to be there at the wedding to see it. And to see how nice it is when my wife and me are together... She wants to go to Israel too. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha The ice complaint was valid. The sodas are never cold enough. And if we had ice, all would be so much happier. The Kiddish committee should be on that. Crushed ice. Is anything better in a drink than crushed ice? The rabbi wants everybody to see Israel. One of our rich congregants asked him and the rabbi explained that flying to Saudi Arabia does not count. He wants us to see it and travel there. He blamed us for him not being able to visit Israel last summer, though it was only one person who complained about a drought. They wanted crushed ice in their cola. You can't blame them. The rabbi didn't have to hit the cup out of her hand. He was really going at the congregation this week. He did hurt Chaim's feelings a bit, when he brought up losing Simon Says. Chaim took that real hard. The rabbi used the double questioning technique a bunch this week. It's a great technique where he gets louder with each question. It really gets people listening. The more frightened they get, the more they listen. We sung, ‘Nachamu Nachamu Ami.’ Nobody understood what it meant, but it was meaningful. Everybody's eyes were closed. You could see they all connected. I think it's the lack of understanding the words that makes it more meaningful. We’re now praying that H’ has compassion on his people in Topeka and let’s us live without Mrs. Milt. She is calling her hatred of Jews, 'activism.' The shul committees are still trying to figure out if activism justifies anti-Semitism and racism. One of our members decided to be an activist for open land. He’s been walking on people’s property and randomly entering people’s homes. He’s the only Jew that Mrs. Milt supports. She says that it is his duty, as an activist for non-ownership, to do whatever he would like, and to walk into anybody’s home he would like. He was caught walking into the home of somebody that is not Jewish. Mrs. Milt called that trespassing and had him locked up for being Jewish. I joined the Matzah Ball Soup committee. Yes. It needed a committee. Otherwise, there would’ve been no argument over whether the pre-made Manischewitz balls were the best or not. It’s the only committee that you can depend on in the shul. Other committees don’t always have arguments. The committees were empowered by the idea that Yehoshua needed the people the practice the Torah in order to have the support for his strength. They used it against the rabbi. They stopped showing up to the weekly Bingo game, and the rabbi felt helpless running Bingo himself. He had to sell the cards and call at the same time. In the end, the rabbi told them they don't have to come to Minyin, as long as they help out at Bingo. Rachel felt that message, as it was focused on her. She is feeling really down now, as the rabbi and his wife (the rebbetzin) have it so good. The idea that the people who didn’t listen to H’ were destroyed, had people thinking that they should do Mitzvot. Even so, most of the people didn't listen to the sermon. Anyhow, we formed a Rachel committee. The committee is focused on finding a special someone for Rachel. Pure focus. This will also only allow each community member one idea a week for Rachel. She insists that she can't hear more than eight ideas a week for men that live more than a fifteen hundred miles away. There is still a lot of entitlement at the shul. Everybody thinks they deserve meat in their choolante. There’s never enough meat in there. And nobody shows up early enough to shul to pray for it. All came away from the sermon feeling spiritually uplifted. The rabbi let all know that they're not deserving of anything, like Moshe who prays to H' for a 'free gift', and the congregation felt great (especially Rachel who is single and needs to meet somebody this Tu BAv). As nobody deserved meat, the rabbi decdied the shul was going to start serving a pareve (meatless) choolante at Kiddish. The rabbi had to explain the concept of prayer being a free gift. It took a while for people to understand that if you pay for it, it's not a gift. Costco's new ad about the gift of saving money and paying less for shoes and mixed nuts, had them confused. The Tehillim for Rachel and her singleness was a beautiful idea. The rabbi was going to let her lead, but he didn’t want to embarrass her. Entitlement is bad. Everybody took the Tehillim for Refuah comment seriously. They stopped saying Tehillim for the soldiers and only for sick people. And they wanted to get paid to say the prayers for people. People are still not praying. They want to get paid to show up to Minyin. This entitlement thing is an epidemic. I think they just don’t want another shul trip to Israel. The last trip was a disaster. Bernie got stuck in the Golan. Tags:
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Why do Jews like to move around so much during davening? Because they want to set themselves apart from the idle worshippers.
You get it? Standing still is being idle. Jews move around a lot (shake or shukel) during prayers, which is davening. And they're not idol worshippers. Phonetically, this is the best joke. Thank you. My friend had this really nice 'Lo Tachmod' poster... I wanted it so badly. You get it? Lo Tachmod is the commandment to not covet what others have... Educational! And a bit of Musar (moral rebuke) for you. How do you celebrate a cow turning 13? A Par Mitzvah. You get it? A Para is a cow (the red heifer- Para Aduma). Change the 'B' with a 'P,' and take at the last 'A'... This week's Torah portion speaks of the Para Aduma... Par Mitzvah on a golf course? We're trying hard for you. Hope you appreciate it. At least we didn't do anything with 'Moo.' What did Bilam's donkey say when Bilam went to curse the Jews? Nay. (Rabbi Mendel's) You get it? That's what the horse said, even if misspelled. It's educational. That's why we do it. Horses are close enough to donkeys. And it's still unique, becauses horses don't say 'nay.' Nor do donkeys. And you also wouldn't see this one in a Laffy Taffy. We didn’t do the ‘moo’ one for the red heifer last week, so we figured we needed to do the neigh one this week. We didn’t want you to miss out. They are planning a huge convention for Kohanim in the near future. The get-together will be called 'The Big Day Kahuna.' You get it? Bigdei Kahuna are the clothing of the Kohen. 'Big Day' means something big is happening. The big Kahuna is the big Kahuna. And this week is Parshat Pinchas. Pinchas was given Kohen status. A wise Ashkenazik Israeli was found asking when to read Parshat Matot, so the community decided we should read Matot-Masai. (Rabbi Mendel's) You get it? The two Parshas (Torah portions) are almost always read together, and 'Matai' means when. 'Masai' is how a frum Ashkenazi would say 'Matai'... Jewish history in a nutshell. This is part of the Hebrew puns of Ashkenazi dialect collection written in English. Next time, the pun will be 'we read Matot when we say Masai.' We believe that makes sense. The underline really adds to that pun. Helps with enunciation. How can you tell if someone is living a double life? If people tell him "until 240" on his birthday. You get it? We don't know if that's a pun. It might be. It definitely connects to Moshe. He lived to 120, the Jewish blessing of long life, and this week's portion is about him. It works. Maybe we should've went with, 'He was living a double life. He was 240.' It all works, because it's puns. Tags:
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And another reason to get married. This way you can wait at the bus stop with somebody else, and get frustrated together. (photo credit Adam Jones, seen on Wikipedia)
Tu B’Av is here, the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it's time for single people to meet their spouse. We have one day a year and this is our chance to get married. So it's time to prep and pray and meet Mis... Right.
If the urgency hasn't convinced you, here are reasons why I know you should get married. Married People Invite You and Feed You Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” That and a request for dessert is the usual discussion you get as a guest. I have been to dinners where I had to bring my own chair. Married people have chairs. Too Old to be an Uncle I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. I get married and I won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym. Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about Barney the Purple Dinosaur and slime, but I do like chicken fingers. You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering You're not a freak. Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. When you don’t have a Tallit, people in shul are staring at you. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions. Nobody will ask you what you are looking for. In shul, I am usually looking for the Siddur and what page we're on. If a girl is there, amazing! Somebody to Scream At There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at. Somebody to Complain To If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that. Have Kids The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world. To Not Get Old Alone It can be really depressing to look in the mirror and see yourself getting old. This way, right after you look in the mirror, you can see somebody else that looks real bad too. Another Reason to Have Kids Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. Nobody is volunteering for the job to be your child. You've got to pay for that, and ingrain the Mitzvah of 'honor thy parents.' Make sure they get down that commandment, so that somebody will visit you and take your money when you're gone. You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary. Decent Food for Dinner For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer. is continually thawed out for your enjoyment. This is why Jewish people get married. They want dinner. They want a full dinner that they don’t have to carry a chair to. So, for the sake of Tu BAv, decent dinners, not looking like a freak sitting at the kids tables and the hopes of not needing to get up from the couch, feel bad about yourself and get married this holiday. I'll support you. Tags:
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Sermon of Rebuke: Devarim7/16/2021 
Rabbi came up with a psak, rabbinic ordination, that dog owners are selfish and can care less about people. ‘Put them on leashes’ is his new citywide campaign. Some of the local townsmen have an issue with putting people on leashes. Mrs. Milt is fine with it, as long as it's Jews. The rabbi didn't like that, as he said it sounded anti-Semitic. Though, he has brought the concept upto the board before.
His new campaign for putting people on leashes is because there is no other way to ensure they’re not using their dogs to scare people. The no extendable leashes fight is on its way. There is consensus that dog owners use those to scare people. Make people think the dog is really being watched and on a leash, and then all the sudden the dog is right there, ready to bite your arm. I walked past this neighbor of mine at 210 West Doxin Street and she let the extendable leash go. Neighbors is why there is hatred in the world. That’s why we have to have a Tisha BAv. There is still Jew hatred in town. I believe it is part of the Tisha BAv experience for our neighbors to blame us for everything. We were blamed for racism just now, because we are Jewish. I think that is racism to blame us for being racist, because we are Jewish. Either way, I would rather get blamed for that then getting my arm bit. I definitely don't like dogs who try to bit me, or their owners, no matter what color they are. Simon Says has been a big thing this summer. I like the beginning of Moshe’s speech to the people, telling us that he can’t lead us anymore. I think our rabbi is feeling it. He needs a real vacation. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Shalom My Congregants. Moshe begins his final speech before his death with rebuke. As we all know, many of you are not perfect… Many aren't decent. Many of you are just not good people... I'm rebuking here... I'd be fine if this was my last speech... Unlike Moses’ lengthy speech in which he goes through all the laws of the Torah, mine will only be 40 minutes… Already complaining… The Shelah HaKadosh teaches that we don't just tell people 'you did this wrong,' because then they will hate you. You have to butter them up and tell them stuff like, 'a smart person like you did this?...oy, I can't believe that.' Then they will listen to you. As we learn from the Shelah, you should be condescending… I say you're good... Sometimes I do... It's important to be condescending. Then they listen… Yes. You need to exaggerate. How else will they know you don't mean it? You have them think they are doing OK, with sarcasm... You know your lawn is messed up. The trimming is off... Let's start with praise... The back section over by Frank always shows up on time… I'm not praising you, Sadie. You always follow the services... I’m buttering up Frank's section… So they’ll listen to how messed up they are… I'm getting there. Wise, caring people of this shul, who care so much for the next generation, who are smart, though you don't understand the prayers and don't read Hebrew, the congregants who want for their children's Jewish education and give no money to the Hebrew school, and care so much about your parents, who you never see, who you stick in a nursing home, with nobody who cares about them. Why don't you take a little time to learn some Hebrew so the rabbi doesn't have to announce every page? Why do you complain about the rabbi's parking spot... Hatred. Baseless hatred... I can’t deal with this. You need another leader. I've buttered up and you're still complaining about the canopy over the rabbi's parking spot... I turned too fast?... No. I can’t deal with this anymore. You need another leader. (Devarim 1:9) Moshe tells them, ‘I said to you at this time saying, “I cannot carry you alone. H’ your Gd has multiplied you…”’ I can’t carry you anymore. I've been carrying this shul alone for too long. The other leaders do nothing… The community has grown so much. No idea how you've multiplied. We've lost all the good members. Need other leaders… The gabai messed up. The president is thinking she needs to protest Jewish lives for her political career to take off. The Chazan is singing these tunes that are off... 'Yankee Doodle' doesn't fit Na'aritzcha. The head of the sisterhood still brings out kichel. The brotherhood is a local gang inside our shul... You’re messed up. Your kids are…. Moshe found an easy way out. He was dying. He knew he would have to deal anymore and it would be Yehoshua’s problem… The sisterhood can't deal with it. If I left the shul in the hands of the sisterhood... Who is going to lead you to Israel... The shul trip to Israel last year was a ball... So what if we lost Saul and Thelma. You don't think that Jews got lost in the desert? You think Moshe was able to watch over all of them? There's a reason they were wandering... That is how you are supposed to rebuke. As we have just seen, once you put in a little praise, nobody feels uncomfortable… You see. Everybody understands now how messed up. And they except it… You would’ve listened to the spies... This is why we have Tisha BAv. H’ said that we cried about the big grapes the spies brought, we’re now going to cry forever… Yes. It was on Tisha BAv that the spies gave the report. Kind of like last fall when the report of no raking team coming to the shul came in. You all ran. Nobody helped... I broke my back. Slippage of a vertebrae suffices for a broken back. But I didn't cry. I didn't run away. I took upon myself the task, and now I can't lead you anymore... I've been carrying you on my back all of these years... I would love for there to be no Tisha BAv, but you still cry and don't help... No good leaders to take the community out of here... I've don't my part already... Your kids cry all the time. Not even on Tisha BAv... I saw them crying in school... It was homework, Frank. You don't cry because you got homework... They need to stop complaining about the amount of candy. I give lollipops. They should be happy with that… Always complaining. I tried giving fruit, but they complained. It’s amazing how your children don’t want fruit unless if it’s in candy form… They complain... It causes Tisha BAv, Bernie. The crying... As Tisha BAv is upon us… Yes. I’m detailing your bad Midot (character traits), so you can do repentance… repent for your sins. I beseech the heathens of this congregation to work together, let your friend know what they are doing wrong, so that we may not encounter more Jewish destruction because you are lazy and don’t care about your mother... Mrs. Himmilman, we know you are a lovely daughter and do care about the inheritance; however, I was just visiting your mother in the nursing home and she said she hasn’t seen you in 5 months... She was very happy about that. She says it was the happiest time of her life... Not having to lead this congregation, I can see joy at the end of the hallway... May we have a Tisha BAv this year of redemption and support for the Hebrew school? A good Tisha BAv… First, let’s get rid of the leaders of the school who have messed it up and turned it into a sub-Sunday school… I feel like the school is being run by the shul board... That's how bad the leadership is... Rebuke should not be done by all. That’s the problem with this congregation… You mess up rebuke. Even in your rebuke you sin… There is baseless hatred because you all are rebuking and you don’t know how… Where have you rebuked incorrectly Rebuke correctly. Watch. Hey Frank, nice tie. Where did you get that? The Salvation Army… You see how now Frank is thinking about his tie and how he shouldn’t wear it. Rebuke… This is why there is hatred in this shul. This is why people hate each other. You rebuke wrong, you don't help with the Israel trip fundraiser, and you you all take. Let her get to the kiddish table… I know you like the whitefish, Ethel… You don't just jump into rebuke. It takes years to master it. Years of seeing Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah in action, to really no how messed up people are... Rashi, quoting the Sifri (Devarim 1:3) comments on Moshe's speaking to the children of Israel now before his death. That is what the rabbi… When I talk with you all, I feel like I am around a lot of death. That’s why I rebuke weekly... Have you seen yourselves? Depressing. I see you wish a Shabbat Shalom and I'm thinking life might not be worth it... Smile. There are four reasons why we do not rebuke people, only close to death… Because we don’t want to rebuke and then do it again… You think I enjoy having to see Michael's haircut, every week?... If you were his congregants, Moshe would've always been rebuking… You complain about Kiddish all the time... The spies scared the Jews with grapes, and your kids are scared of fruit... You're scared the kichel will take out your teeth... Yeah. It's hard... Can you just get a normal haircut Michael? I would stop rebuking... In order that his friend doesn’t see him and get embarrassed… The non-mowed lawn is embarrassing… Now he's embarrassed about the ugly lawn, bringing down property value. Simmy’s grass would’ve been mowed sooner if his neighbor didn’t wait till he was dying to tell Simmy he ruined the neighborhood… It’s a forest now… That it shouldn’t be in your heart for him, and that he should leave from him in peace, as rebuke brings peace… I am just trying to make it all peaceful. You guys mess it all up… I don’t know what ‘in your heart for him’ means… No. It’s not an attraction thing... I can tell you that I am holding a lot in my heart right now... Because you... This is why we have Tisha BAv. And you all rebuke each other. Giving each other advice on how to live? Diet???? What do you know about diets, Bernie?... You diet, but you never take off weight... It's not a diet. I know many of you are angry that the rabbi doesn't visit the sick enough. However, I do visit this congregation every Shabbat… Many sick people... And the mishebeyrachs are also very long… I am sick of you and retiring. Or close to retirement. I can be honest now I understand many of you think I am young, but I am already 36 years old. I am getting old and tired. I have listened to you all for way too long. It is time for me to retire, as I have had too many years of arguing with the board about another raise. Your $300,000 has been invested well. Thank you Donald for the help on the taxes. You used parsonage real well on that... On that day, close to his death, Moshe speaks and says 'All that H' commanded him, onto them' the children of Israel. Moshe did not use that moment to get out his built up frustration, saying, 'You people didn't trust me.' He focuses on how they messed up to Gd... I remember the ark cover. I told you to not do a group embroider… You should've trusted me, for the H'. I see it every Shabbat… It’s a quilt… Moshe used that moment to let the people know they have to be better… We have Mitzvot in this congregation... The Torah. It's the Torah, Bernie. Those are our Mitzvot. It’s time to move on. (Devarim 1:6) As Moshe tells the people ‘H” our Gd spoke to us at Chorev, saying, “It’s enough of you sitting at this Mountain.”’ We get comfortable… We become content. Sitting in Topeka, all have it easy... Because you do nothing for the shul. You don't pay your dues. You lead nothing. You don't visit your mom... Chorev is Sinai. We accomplished a lot there (Rashi) ‘made the Mishkan, Menorah…’ But it is time to move on… You have to move on. It’s time to move to Israel… You’re praying for the final redemption. Let’s do it. Everybody up… This is why we have Tisha BAv. Crying and contentment. Crying because of contentment. Crying because the kids can't get candy... Because Ethel takes it all at Kiddish. You have to share Ethel. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Nobody got up. They were too comfortable. The seats at the shul are too plush. Nobody was going to move. It’s not like our shul is Mount Sinai. I don’t think we’ve accomplished building anything here. The kids made a Chanukah Menorah slab. They took a piece of wood and glued nuts to it. The rabbi thought he was doing something revolutionary. Nobody cared. They were not going to go to Israel. If the earth would've swallowed people up, some of the congregants would've went on the shul trip for a week. Nobody moved when the rabbi said ‘everybody up.’ Even the ones who didn't know it had anything to do with Israel. Most of the shul doesn't listen to the speech anyways. Bernie is too old. He’s not getting up or going anywhere. The kids thought the rabbi was playing Simon Says, and they didn't want to lose. There’s been a lot of Simon Says this summer too. It’s the new game in the community. We’re not athletes. The president of the board feels it's good movement. Though, usually most of the people get out when Simon says 'Hands Up,' and then they go and sit down. The seats are very plush. The rabbi went a bit too quick from the buttering up into how bad the congregants are. He didn’t spend much time in the buttering up. I don’t know if the Shelah HaKodesh meant a quick sarcastic word. He definitely meant to be condescending. I don’t think the rabbi put any bread on the compliment sandwich. I’m not a fan of the compliment sandwich. The bread usually can’t hold the messedupedness of what’s inside. I saw how the heads of the Hebrew school did a compliment sandwich. It started with 'your child is trying real hard,' then it went into a thirty minute tirade on how Jackson can't pick up a word of Hebrew and how he starts fights and doesn't finish his lunch. I don't know how lunch was on the inside of the sandwich. It's not that negative. All I know is that Jackson's sandwich was extremely overstuffed. Moving to Israel seems to be what the rabbi's message for ending Tisha BAv was. I think we can end this curse if we put extendable leashes on dog owners. The rabbi didn’t move to Israel and he didn’t retire. Moshe’s move of telling everybody how bad they are before he died was a smarter move. The rabbi was hearing complaints about his comments about the congregants' children for weeks. He should’ve at least moved to Israel. Between us, the kids are messed up. Jackson is the best kid in the community. Moshe knew how to give a speech, and the rabbi has definitely mastered the Moshe style of telling the community that they messed up. The rabbis is right. The congregation is depressing. They walk into shul and nobody smiles. They're all worried Ethel will get to the whitefish and finish it. We already know that Bernie's going to down all the gefilte fish with his schnapps. We had voting for all positions, as we need new leaders. Two people voted. The other people were too tired to raise their hands. Some thought they shouldn't as Simon didn't say. I think Simon Says can bring people together. Make for peace. If somebody were to tell Ethel to get the whitefish and candy, she wouldn't. She's really good at Simon Says. The rabbi said he was leaving, but he didn’t. He just really connected with Moshe’s message of not wanting to lead anymore. I am also beginning to think that shorter speeches can bring our congregation together more. It’s one thing we all agree on; including the rabbi. If he starts to bring down the speeches to thirty minutes, we’ll all feel a sense of redemption. The following week though, the rabbi said that he gives long speeches so that we can feel what it is to be cursed in the diaspora. Tags:
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Kinot for COVID - Tisha BAv 57817/15/2021 
These are to be said for our sins of the past two years. Nobody else put this out, so we did it for you to be able to say how shameful we are, and to feel more guilt this Tisha BAv.
*Written by Reb Mendelchem of Topeka to the acrostic of anger
We have been stuck in our homes. Like a child who musteth see her parents every day. Woe. What has befallen us. Woe to having to yell at your siblings. We have had to hear people say 'During these times' for the past year and a half. Woe. What has befallen this annoyance. Minyin has dwindled. Woe to those who love not going to shul. Woe. What has happened to people using a pandemic to get out of services. Woe to those who say that shuls are open. You're ruining people's lives. Shame. Have not seen anybody's face. We thought we knew them. We were shocked. Woe to those who think they know somebody else before their mask comes off. Woe. What has befallen dating in 'these times.' Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled. Israel is closed again. We have had to spend the last year and a half eating frozen falafel balls. Woe. What has happened to all the restaurants I used to love. Woe. Woe. Woe. Stimulus checks. Woe to those who think going back to work is a good idea. Woe. What has befallen these fools who don't appreciate vacation. The most social day of the year is Tisha BAv. Woe. What has befallen greeting people during these times. Like a woman screaming at me for not wearing a mask. Woe. What has befallen us. We had to stay six feet away from everything. Woe to those who don't know what six feet is. Shame. Shame uponeth them. Castigation uponeth them. Shall they never shopeth again. We have judged others who smile. Woe to those who try to be friendly. Shame. Shame uponeth them. We have said 'Shalom' and been castigated. Woe uponeth those who are friendly in 'these times.' One should not greet on Tisha BAv. Woe. The Second Temple was destroyed because people didn't get along. Woe. How does that work. Woe to those who are not rude. Woe beith the Tisha BAv that fits in with 'these times.' Had to celebrate all Simchas outside. Woe unto those who did notith put up tents. Woe to rain at every event. Woe. What has happened to warming of the earth. We had to hear different ideas of what this pandemic is every day. Woe. Why do people listen to their government. Woe to anybody who tells me what to do. May they be six feeteth away so they don't get hurt. Woe to any of my friends who told me that I was not keeping the laws of COVID correctly. Woe unto those who keep the laws of COVID but don't keep Shabbat. Woe. What has happened to people becoming very annoying. Woe to those who have not beeneth vaccinated. Let the wrath of the heavens poureth uponeth them. Lest they decide to go outside and be people. The gym has been closed. That is my excuse. Woe. What has happened to putting on weight when I am not eating. I have barely eaten anything. Woe. How does that happen. Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled. The closing of nursing facilities. Woe to anyone who hugs a loved one over the age of 50. Shame and wrath be uponeth them. People who love their grandparents. Shame! Shame upon you! Woe to all who feel grandparents are important. Woe to all who thinketh they should not die. Woe. What has happened to people caring. Shame be uponeth them. This is the worst thing that has ever happened. Woe to anybody who says that. May they be smacked and their mask removedeth from uponeth them. Kids have been at home, learning less from school than Nickelodeon. Schools open five days awake. Who said that. Shameth. Shameth be uponeth them. Double masking. Woe. What has happened to not suffocating one's self. Woe to our glasses that are notith fogging up. CDC guidelines. Woe. What are they and why do we careth. Woe to my dentist who made me wear my mask. I still don't know how they got to my teeth. Woe. How is a dentist to do their job when following CDC guidelines. Zoom. Woe. What has happened to people listening to what is going on. Woe unto those who still use social media as an excuse to not show up to the Simcha. Woe. What has happened to pants. Woe to anybody who asks somebody else on a Zoom call if they have been vaccinated. You cannot ban them from social media too. We have seen people who haven't shaved in months. Is Shloshim not thirty days. Have we notith passed the pandemic of masking. Woe. What has happened to people shaving. Woe. Woe. Woe. How much more must we mourn. Woe to the chinith that hasith doubled. Woe. What has happened to being able to cough and not being looked at as evil. Woe to those who sneezeth in public. Woe. Shame uponeth those who have allergies. Shame. Vaccinateth uponeth them. A year of supermarkets being the only place we could goeth. Woe. What has happenedeth to the local convenience store with the guy who sneezes. We have sanitized everything. Woe unto those who do not wipe down everything. Shame. Shame. Shame to those who don't use Purell. Woe. Why does Purell runeth our government. Woe. Why does the person cleaning the shul never vacuum. Woe. Why doeseth the Siddur need to be sanitized daily. Woe. What has happened to the washing of hands. Woe. What has happened to our rituals. Like a child who must listen to the same jokes about COVID and Zoom from every person they meet. It is because of our sins that our senseth of humor has been exiled. Woe. What has befallen us during 'these times.' Tags:
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That's how you deal with people who annoy you. You brain focus to make them disappear. Or you look at other people and show them your brain exploding. (photo credit Psychology Today)
I am told that hatred is wrong. Whether I agree with that or not isn't important. For the sake of Tisha BAv I will put my feelings aside.
The three week period prior to the destruction of the Temples is upon us and the rabbis tell us that the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. We must stop that. You need decent reason to hate. You don't just hate somebody because they're your neighbor. If they take your newspaper, then you hate them. We don't need any more destruction. Hence, I would like to provide you with some ways to look at annoying people differently. We have to stop judging and start understanding. Along with hating people basefully, judging favorably can bring love and peace. Here are some ways to understand the annoying. Do it this Tisha BAv for the sake of the redemption of the Jewish people: People who Cut in Front of you in Line How you should see it: They have something important to do. They have to get somewhere. Do you need to run more errands? Probably not. They do. And you're out there joy shop[ing for milk. Maybe they were there yesterday, and that was their spot beforehand. Maybe they left somebody in the car and you are saving a life. Maybe they are trying to finally have some human interaction and they are sick of having to be six feet away from you. So, they cut you in line, and are now six feet in front of you. Who is really the selfish one here?! Store with a ‘Going Out of Business Sale’ Sign up for Two Years This man has been struggling for over two years. Fighting through it all, while still having sales on all items. He is not lying. He is trying to go out of business, and because of his '50% off - we're closing tomorrow' sign, you're not letting him. Again, I ask, who is thinking about themself here?! Middle Eastern People Scooping from the Collective Humus Platter with Their Pita & Hand They are sharers. You're sitting at dinner together and they are bringing the bread braking to the next level. You're now scooping Humus together and they're cleaning the platter for you. Server who is Not Smiling They have too much business, and now you're going to order dinner too. You're very needy. Why are you not apologizing? Guy who Smells Bad on Bus He’s claustrophobic. He needs his own seat, and he’s prepared. People Who Disagree With Your Political Views You have to hate somebody. Who else are you going to call a racist? People who Give You Unsolicited Advice Maybe you didn't know that ‘drinking coffee’ can help wake you up. Sometimes you are on a diet, and other people do not realize it. That is why they say, ‘You are overweight.’ Here is somebody who is coming along for you, the single person, letting you know, ‘It is not good to be lonely.’ Advice is always good. Who else is going to note your flaws? The Falafel Guy with Unclean Hands That is where the taste is coming from. You should be thanking him. Without his hands, you would not taste the curry. That's where the curry taste truly comes from. The Person who Shows up to Gym with Unlaundered Clothes The clothes are going to get dirty anyways. Not everybody comes from your country, where Tide is a good smell. They may also be claustrophobic. Why they don't clean the machine after they leave, I cannot answer. Guy Who Puts his Leg in Your Chair on Plane or Bus Who is to say, that is your chair? Why is it in front of that guy, if it's yours? Now they're asking what gives you the right to lean back, and to not sit at a ninety degree angle on the flight. If their leg wasn't in your back, they would be less comfortable, and you wouldn't be sitting straight. It seems to me that you're being the selfish one here. And this guy's knee is helping your posture. The Tall Person Sitting in Front of You at the Movie Tall people should be allowed to watch movies too. You cannot ban them from the theater. It would be wrong to force them to sit in the back row. History shows us that some people would consider that discrimination. Taller people than you are a people too. People Who Smoke in Public They're sharing the cigarette benefits with you. You don't even have to bum one to get the smell on your clothes. Bumming cigarettes is annoying. People Who Don’t Leave Messages and Expect You To Call Them Back Everybody should assume they're important. People Singing in Synagogue After the Prayer is Done Everybody enjoys the lyrics ‘Nay Nay Nay.’ Our people have been singing that for centuries, even when nobody knew the prayers. ‘Nay Nay Nay’ are words of inspiration. The Beatles were inspired by those lyrics too. Without ‘Nay Nay Nay…’ ‘Hey Jude’ would've been over in two minutes. People Who Play Guitar Around the Camp Fire The guitar is made out of wood. See the positive. People Who Look at You and Don't Say ‘Hello’ You think they are rude. They're just engaging you in a game of stare. Your Neighbors Above You in the Apartment Building They shouldn't be there. Being that they are there, we have to accept that your neighbors have to eat. I've complained to the landlord about neighbors having dinner. It doesn't work. You may want them to stop chewing because you can hear that, along with their walking. Even so, they might choke, and then their coughing will wake you up. Then I have to hear the mom telling them they have to chew eighteen times. It's hard to not hate these people. Your Neighbors who Leave their Garbage Outside their Front Door Why should their house smell? That is quite selfish of you. Maybe they will take it down to the garbage at some point, if you don’t. Always see the positive. People Who Sit with Their Phone at Dinner Your conversation as a family member is not interesting. Why should anybody have to sit down to dinner without their friends?! There might be an emergency in a teenager’s life. They might have a friend who just realized they are going to a movie. There might be a new game out. A guy might have said ‘Hi’ to a young girl. That's a life changer. Children Who Leave Their Parents in Senior Citizens Home and Not Visiting They already did their job. You are not going to get anything else out of them. Why should they have to have them around anymore? Children Who Scream and Run Outside Your Door, While You Are Trying to Sleep Running inside the home is excellent exercise. You're raising healthy children who enjoy keeping their parents up. Most importantly, if you don’t allow them to run, one day, they might end up baselessly hating you and leave you in a senior citizens home. Take these lessons for Tisha BAv. We understand that it may be hard to judge favorably the rest of the year. We're suggesting one day. Hate people after Tisha BAv. Let's make this a beautiful and giving Tisha BAv of love for all fellow people. After Tisha BAv you have till Yom Kippur to get mad at them again. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Matot-Masai7/9/2021 
The other shul is poaching our members. For their minyin, they come to ours and take people for their services. I think they view us as a farm shul for theirs. We get them to start coming to Minyin. Help them learn the prayers and then they take them.
Our shul only has an early Minyin on Shabbat. I think we’re losing members, as nobody wants to add two hours to Shabbat. One of our members suggested we end Shabbat early, as the Saturday night shows begin before Shabbat is out. The argument was that just as we start Shabbat early because it's nicer for the family to eat together before 10pm, it's nicer to show up to the performance on time. The rabbi had to explain that Shabbat was a specific day of the week, not dependent on our needs. He ended up showing Blazing Saddles to the congregation, so that all would understand what ending Shabbat on Saturday night meant. Many congregants are still ending Shabbat on Friday evening, when they went to the clubs. Summer vacation was taken by the rabbi, but he came back to give a sermon about how families should act on summer vacation. I believe that he had some issues with his children. Giving for others was another topic of the week. Our congregation has to be more giving. There’s been no money handed out. Russian families have joined the community recently. They’ve been living in the community, but everybody forgot about them since the late 1980s, when they moved to the community and we threw them on the other side of town. Our previous rabbi was for their living on the other side of town. As he said, ‘If they live with our community, they will definitely not want to be Jewish.’ He didn’t want them ending up longing for Russia, because of the members of our shul. We miss Rabbi Kuplowitz. He would’ve been our rabbi emeritus, but he said he wanted nothing to do with this shul. We do have a nice Tehillim group. That is giving. People saying prayers for others to be healthy is beautiful. As long as it’s not money, people give. If it’s something that nobody needs, our congregation will give it to them. A table with three legs that's sitting there; they’ll go out of their way to take it off their curb and drop it in somebody’s home. And they will also pray for you. I think we all need that. I know our shul needs that. Nobody in our shul understands the prayers. It's best somebody does their praying for them. And it feels good to have people praying for you. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Congregants, (Bamidbar 31:1-2) Moshe is told to lead the war against Midian, and H’ tells him, ‘Afterwards you will be gathered to your people’… That means death, Bernie... I know you're old. When somebody dies, we gather them… Not like a crop. Crops are not people. He is told about his death and yet, he goes to war right away. The next Psukim speak of Moshe getting the people together to go to war… It is about duty. What is our duty? Max, Hymie, Bernie, Sam. You’re all in your nineties. The least you can do is come to Minyin on time. You said you would… You're not being asked to go to war... Well, it's not stopping you from gorging at Seudah Shelishit... A man’s word is his word… (Bamidbar 30:3) ‘A man who makes a vow… to prohibit something on himself, shall not desecrate his word. All that comes out of his mouth, he shall do.’ You said you would come to Minyin... Yes. You say a lot of stuff that is wrong and makes no sense… That’s why you don’t haze yourself and say you’ve got to run into the store, yell, bang a table and run out… It’s dumb. But it’s your word… The Hebrew school head lies all the time. That’s his word… Yes. That’s why he has to stick with it. All that he says, he must do. He says he has to mess up our children. So, he does it… If she swears, the husband can take it back for her… Same with the dad… People say stupid stuff. They make oaths. If nobody is around for her, she can’t take it back… If they don't know, how do they... The laws are in the beginning of the Parsha… No. If you’re in a fight and she says she hates you, she means it. I don’t know if you can take that back for her… Parshat Masai begins with the travels of the Jews in the desert. Everywhere they complained… They should add Topeka to the Jewish journeys. You guys complain all the time. Summer trips to the mountains with family. It’s a journey. You complain… Yes. It feels like a desert. The Mountains is a desert with trees and rain… You swear you don’t want to be with the kids… You swear at them… You swear you’ll never do another vacation… Wife swears she is slaving. She says she’ll never do it again… I took that oath back for her. I told her that the kids will be out of the house soon and she’ll want to vacation again… This week is a double Torah portion. And as thus I feel it is my duty to speak extra long. That was the plan. However, being that it was a double portion and the Bal Koreh (Torah reader) read the Torah double slow. I will have to speed it up. You have my word…. Next time, please read faster. Some of our members have to make it to their golf games… You are killing me. I have a sermon prepared and now I cannot give it the way I wanted. Next time speed it up a little. It is Hebrew. They don’t understand it anyways… That guy that corrects you is crazy. He is just angry at his wife. He is the only one who pays attention… He’s screaming at you because something happened in the house. I think they just went on vacation. That is why… I will speak faster… In the beginning of this week's Torah portion, it clearly states, 'Whatever came out of his mouth- he shall do' (Bamidbar 30:3). How many of you are men or women of your word? You talk a lot… I know I say that a lot. I can never mention that enough… Most of you don’t think about the consequences before you talk. How many of you made a New Year’s resolution last year?... And you still ate chocolate. I saw you eating some chocolate glazing. Double Dutching. Oh, a girls scout cookie you call it. Does that make it OK? You said you were going to stop eating chocolate. What were you thinking when you made that resolution? You wanted to take off weight… That is ok. Why not resolute to be in shape. We shall not desecrate our words and we must stop eating chocolate… Double Dutch. That's twice the amount of chocolate. Chocolate double. How they chocolate in the Netherlands... It will never happen. Never resolute to get thin... I’ve seen you all try. You are just lying. You are lying to H’. We're a heavy people.… Jenny Craig is a sinner… It's hard to stick to our words. Part of repentance according to the Rambam is saying, ‘I will never do it again.’ After you confess your sin to Gd, you are supposed to say, ‘I will never do it again'… Yes, You have to lie to H’. Who resolutes to not do something enjoyable again? I understand you don't understand Hebrew, and you enjoy that hitting the chest to the 'Ashamnu Bagadnu' tune. It's catchy. But are you a man of your word? I have not done this part of repentance, because I am not good at lying. If eating chocolate was tasty, I know I am going to do it again. Speaking of which, where was the chocolate crumb cake at kiddush last week?... No. There was kichel again. Are the sisterhood women of their word? Did the dairy Kiddush take place? No. Because nobody picked up the cheesecake. You promised and I was looking forward to my Mother’s Black Forest Cheesecake, with chocolate chips on top and crumby stuff on the bottom. But no. You brought in a homemade cream cheese battered tiny cake with no chocolate chips; not even strawberries. Your commitment to your word was not there. Is it a cheesecake with no topping? Where were you for us, when we needed the chocolate chips, Mrs. Hortman? Were you eating them?... For Mother's sake... Not my mom. Mother's... Think before you make promises Mrs. Hortman. As, we learn from the Torah and all action movies, your word is your bond… I know you said, 'My dad said we are going on vacation to Disney World this year...I hate him'… Yes, your daughter hates you, because you made a promise you cannot keep… We are not blaming Mr. Kinsley for this. You didn't foresee the economic crisis. Your wife also didn't see the problems with the breakdown of the family structure in your home... Why we don’t make promises... You shouldn’t have planned that wedding. We all said it was a mistake... Shotgun style... Otherwise, you make promises, vows and six months later you already hate them... That is a beautiful new dress Mrs. Kinsley… She is looking… The point is that they don't sell Mickey Mouse's fur in Disney World. And Christina, you should hate your dad for not being a man of his word… Who can afford Disney World anyways? $50 to see Mickey Mouse. Watch it on TV Christina… You haven’t even paid your dues. How are you going to afford the ears… Yes. You can wear that as Kippah. You can Mickey Mouse in shul. Commenting on a spouse’s ability to erase his wife's oath, The Sforno (a rabbi for you Am Aratzim that don't know this) comments that, 'To remain silent when somebody has the ability to protest, is akin to agreement. To remain silent is to agree with what they are doing.' I’ve seen you watching the news… You have never screamed at the screen… You yell at the screen. They’re coming up with stuff about Israel…You tell people off… This congregation knows I disagree with them… I don't agree with everything you do... I am saying that to help you all. Just in case you thought the ark cover looks nice. I for one will not remain silent and passively agree. You promised Christina Disney World, you give it to her. As your rabbi, I resolute, that there will not be another dairy kiddush in this synagogue without Mother's Black Forest Cheesecake. And I resolute again, if you have people that have to get to golf and not one of them understands Hebrew, you read the Torah faster… No. You do a family journey to Disney World. And you complain there... Now I must stop, because we are out of time… I am going on, because I resoluted to give Sermons… Till I die. I am going to give you the rebuke you need… Because you say messed up stuff… When she says she's starting a diet. Any resolution she makes. Just say, 'It's not going to happen.' You know she's going to eat the chocolate. It's Double Dutch. I’m committed like Moshe. Moshe was committed. Right after he’s told to go to war and he will die, we see the nation going out to war. We’re a people of duty. A people of our word. Moshe didn’t correct H’, nor did Moshe delay in his reaction… Nothing like the shul president… He reacted much quicker than the Torah Reader reenacted, in his slow motion play by play of the Parsha. But he did not react with words to Gd. He reacted by leading the people, with action. He didn't react slowly. It is getting late, and you have your golf to attend to. As your leader, I notice that. I have a lot more brilliant Divrei Torah on the subject of oaths and vows, but it will have to wait till next year… That's not an oath. I may be on vacation next year, away from my family... Mr. Weil promised he would stop cursing. But did that piece of ----- stop? No. The importance of our words. Our vows. Our word is our bond. Our commitment… And you don’t have to say it. Just do it… Moshe didn't have to say he was going to follow Gd's word. He did it... Then don't say you agree with me. Just do it. Bring the decent cheesecake. Take your daughter on vacation. Show up and say ‘shalom’… It might be a little weird at first to have random friends popping up at your door in the middle of the night… You get used to it… And don’t remain silent. Moshe told the people they’re going to battle. It didn’t just happen. The sisterhood thinks cheesecake just pops up at kiddish… Silence is agreement. The dad and husband have to take back her word for her… Why I go to protests… Our Moshe should go to protests to meet girls… You’ve got to get married young man… I understand that everybody is trying to set you up. That’s why you should be protesting… Meet women… Protests are the perfect spot... Who cares about the cause. If they think you're passionate... Let me make it clear, I do not agree with you people. I am just trying to keep my job… I know I don’t have forever. The husband and dad take her oath back on the day. Something negative can only be taken back at a certain point. Otherwise, it’s a mistake. It’s something wrong... Should’ve taken back the vacation to the Mountains… What was the early Shabbat Minyin decision? Can’t take it back now… They’re kids. We don’t need them for Friday night Minyin. Men can’t take back their word… How many times have you donated to shul and taken it back?... You flipped the appeal card… Don’t say stupid stuff. That’s the lesson. Don’t say stupid stuff and do what is right for the people. (Bamidbar 31:2) ‘Vengeance.’ Again. We see that it is OK to take vengeance for our nation. Gd commanded it, as it rids the evil from the world... I would've venged on many members... Who is killed in Moshe’s last war? (Bamidbar 31:8) Bilam. The one who tried to curse the Jews. Used his mouth for bad. He’s killed… Am I cursing you? No. But you deserve it… Because you all lie. In your last days, what do you do? Moshe fulfilled a commandment, a mitzvah of H’s knowing he will day, as Rashi says (31:2) ‘with Simcha.’ He did it with happiness… Are you going to at least be happy? Are you going to live upto your word? Are you going to pay your dues and donate your appeal? If you don’t, I swear… Are you going to use your words to curse? What are you saying... You're going to live your last days wondering if somebody took your seat in shul... That's your Simcha. Making people feel uncomfortable. Telling them they can't sit in shul... No. We are not going to do a Siyum. Everything is a finishing party with you guys. We finished the Sefer. We say Chazak Chazak and that's... No. We don't need to celebrate with a... We didn't accomplish enough. You get a Yasherkoyach. No Siyum party. We'll have a kiddish after davening. Rivkas’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Next year, the rabbi should give out Tehillim appeal cards. No money, just prayers for others. I think the congregants might do that. If they could say the prayers while watching TV, they would do that. The rabbi swore at the Bal Koreh, Torah reader, but he didn’t make a vow. I think he supports people playing golf on Shabbat, which is forbidden, more than the guy reading from the Torah. Due to the time, he spoke real quick. The rabbi cannot say less, ever. The rabbi forbade vacations. He said that 'for the sake of Shalom Bayit, peace in the house, vacations are not allowed.' Vacation fighting continues into the house. I know this, because we're hearing about it in shul too. I think he just didn't want to have to do another summer trip with his kids complaining. When the rabbi said he felt like Moshe, I think he was referring to his children saying they were thirsty. The rabbi made everybody write down resolutions that they were not going to do. He said that making resolutions was forbidden, as nobody in the congregation keeps their word. He also said that people can’t make plans in the congregation, as they never kept them and that was lying. After nobody showed up to Minyin, he took that back. He still said that they couldn’t plan a board meeting. That got him out of having to hear from the board for a month. Due to the worry of people not keeping their word, there were twelve weddings celebrated in unison on Tu BAv. This way all these engagements had no chance of dissipating. The rabbi ended up allowing people to do Teshuva as well, even if the Rambam was making them lie. To ensure people were keeping oaths they might have made, the rabbi employed the angry husband who corrects the Torah reader all the time. The rabbi had him following people around and correcting them whenever they didn’t keep their word. Angry guy was hanging out at the kosher supermarket, in the pastry section. Nobody could go into the grocery without angry guy yelling at them. He was very threatening. The average shul member lost twelve pounds. After that whole experience, they were finally able to understand why the Torah reader said ‘I am sorry’ in the middle of layning (Torah reading), even though Gd didn’t write it in the Torah. The only thing people were allowed to eat that was enjoyable was Mother's Cheesecake. I think they stopped making it though. Haven't seen it in years. Yet, the rabbi is still stuck on it. I think he saw it at Kiddish recently because it was in the freezer for a few years. The rabbi encouraging Moshe to go to protests led to our congregation supporting the 'Get the Jews out of Israel' movement. When the congregants heard you could meet people at protests, they thought the rally with the speech of 'we hate Jews' was the perfect place to go to for social interaction. Thank Gd, at least it got some of our congregants out of the bars for a couple of days. The rabbi's point about the husband not able to take back the wife's words of 'You are the worst husband' was well received by the women. Finally something the feminists could get behind. Early Shabbat is killing us, but it was a decision. The rabbi called it a Bilam move, as it's a curse. It's almost as bad as the guests feeling uncomfortable sitting in shul. They're worried they're sitting in somebody's seat. Every time a guest a comes, somebody comes over to them and tells them, 'Don't sit there,' then walks away. The guest is dumbfounded with no idea what to do. The seats in shul fiasco is getting very uncomfortable for everybody. Guests are constantly told to not sit, due to every seat belonging to Sim. It at least appears that way. Gursts are left without seats. There are thirty regulars and 400 seats, yet the guests are always kicked out of a seat. The guys at shul want credit for everything. I'm with the rabbi. It's not a huge deal to finish Bamidbar. We don't need to have a Siyum. They should feel good with Chazak Chazak vNitChazek. Tags:
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This is a built bungalow. Structure is a porch, made of half inch plywood, anchored to the ground by stilts. As the saying goes, 'If there is wind or any rain, who would want to live there anyways.' (photo credit Pinterest and everywhere else)
Since the dawn of time Jews have been trying to figure out where to go for the summer. Winters was easy. You go to Florida. After many years of exploration, the Jews came upon The Mountains. They were worried to settle there, as there was no butcher. Nonetheless, they found cattle and a hotel. And that led to bungalows. I thus bring you into the world of what makes for the modern day The Mountains and bungalow experience. THE MOUNTAINS The Mountains are the one great stronghold of Jewish American tradition. The traditions of delis is gone, we don’t have the Lower East Side, we don’t have Americans born with Eastern European accents. All we have are trees during the summer and Bloomingdale’s. Every summer, the Jews of New York flock to The Mountains. I am here to bring you the life of The Mountains, so that you can navigate the bungalow and the Jewish American Summer Vacation the way it was traditionally supposed to be celebrated, with food. New York City Without Tolls Imagine taking Brooklyn and putting it someplace with foliage. The Jews of New York want to see grass and trees. That is summer vacation. Other than that, there is nothing new anybody wants to see on vacation, other than New York City. Small supermarkets and pizza shops is what people want. New Yorkers could drive up Interstate 80 for a bit and turn back home. They would find some trees. However, after driving on the highway for an hour or so, you get tired. So, they colonized The Mountains. Anybody who lives in Brooklyn or Manhattan cannot handle two hours of driving, if it's not in traffic. The beeping and people cutting you off keeps you up. To Note: During the summer, there's enough traffic in The Mountains to keep you up on weekends. What Are The Mountains? The Mountains are a plateau consisting of the Catskills and Poconos. There’s nature, trees, and you can see greenery. Therefore, people from Brooklyn call it The Mountains. In Brooklyn, mountains means grass and flowers. That is where they grow. In mountains. That is how they teach geography in Flatbush. Anything with grass is a mountain, including a meadow. The Mountains must be capitalized, as it is a Jewish city. I do not believe that New Yorkers have ever traveled further than The Mountains. This is what makes them ‘The’ Mountains. The Jewish Homeland for two and a half months, and the home of non-Jewish people the whole year, The Mountains is also known as land occupied by Jews in Upstate New York. It is a highly politically contested area. Even so, it doesn’t make the news, because nobody outside of the five boroughs wants to live in a bungalow. THE BUNGALOW The idea is to move from a home with central air to a hut with a screen door that doesn’t keep out mosquitos. That is enjoyment for New Yorkers; a screen door that doesn’t shut. A home with uneven floors and no air-conditioning. It's all for the experience. You might get to see bluets. Get Out of The Apartment The hovel with the tilted fun room floors, made of wood that has not been shellacked, is enjoyed by people who are trying to get away from their two-million-dollar apartment. Multimillion dollar apartments aren’t built to accommodate summer enjoyment, or the New York 85-degree temperatures that equal humidity of 180. Clothing is a Nightgown Walk around in nightgowns. That is the style. I have no explanation for this. Use Your Front Lawn Bungalows are communal. People bring out tables, benches, chairs. Bring whatever you can out of your bungalow; fridges, ovens, dressers. This frees up the hovel and gives you enough space to sleep. Don’t worry about what the neighbors think about you keeping your clothes outside. You’re going to be wearing the nightgown all day anyways. Family Time This is something the kids don’t enjoy. If they ever get decent reception and internet access in The Mountains, this tradition will be done. Kids will once again be sitting at dinner on the web, posting pictures of their mom walking around in a nightgown at dinner. Bungalow Colony Jews leaving New York City, move as one and live in what is known as a colony. It is a form of protection against the unknown terrain and being caught without a Minyin. It's also a way of supporting each other in the decision of moving from air-conditioning to a shack. It's a Kibbutz where nobody works the land. It's a modern day Kibbutz. A modern day Kibbutz with more Yiddish. THE HOTELS The hotel resort industry was big in The Mountains until the 1980s, and then the movie Dirty Dancing came out. Patrick Swayze and the dance instructors were living in the bungalows, and all the religious Jews decided they wanted to be there. Reasons the hotels closed: Patrick Swayze and finances. The Jewish people would not settle for anything less than twenty four hours of buffet and constant dinner. Next time we shall be discussing the activities one does in The Mountains, such as taking in air. We shall discuss what city dwellers are willing to do for a breeze, and why glamping makes no sense. We will try our best to figure out more ways to talk about New Yorkers. Please forgive me if I didn't mention New Jersey in this article. 
The pantry at my friend’s bungalow. She wanted to make sure no bugs made it out of there alive. I don't know what vendetta she had against the hexapoda kingdom. I'm assuming they got into the cereal. The ants had no chance. Three of those were ant execution shpritzes.
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Why I Love America & July 4th7/4/2021 
I think this guy stole the flags. That's why he's running. The only difference for Israelis, with this July 4th celebration taking place in America, is that there are Palestinian flags here. it's beautiful to see them showing support for America too. They're probably standing on the side of the road because they didn't steal those flags and they're following traffic rules. (photo credit to the NY Times, whose photographer didn't stop any of this)
I ehhh visitie Amerikai summer. I see Jewly four. I love eet. Eet ehhh say 'Amerika greaty.' Dees why I love US of A and Jewly ehhh four.
Freedom to Practice Religion I get off side of highway I do ehhh standie. I say Amidah prayer and I go to peeee. Just like in Israel. On side of highway we ehhh standie to peee and to pray. Even better, in US of A they have zis sing called 'restroom.' You go to pee and you fall asleep. So, I fall asleep and I wake up and zen I do Amidah prayer. It's on side of highway, but I get to go insidie. Oh. Ehhh lots of shuls in Amerikai. Heree are eeeh lot of shuls that I will never step foot in. I heareee zis from Amerikai. I like ehhh no go shul. Shul made for Jewy to no go. In Israeli, we make shul so Jew go. Anti-Semitism It exists, but Americai are ehhh generally too proper to say it in a nasty way. Zey so nice. Zey say 'I ehhh no like Jew.' I say, 'Sank you. Very nice of you. I come again.' It like ehhh zey greet, 'Shalom velcome, we no want you.' I no go back country club. Zey say 'Jew no welcome hearie.' I say, 'I go, as long as zees no shul.' OU on Everything Everysing is kosher. Everywhere. I sink. I no know. I sink it kosher. It say OU or OR. It ehhh look same. I eat. Happy Jewly Four, sank you to Hashgacha kosher 'OR' on package. Freedom of Expression We can complain about anti-Semitism. In Israel, you complain, nobody care. Shopping Always ehhh great deal. Salie everywhere. Ehhh I no need go shuk. I go Marshall, TJ, Kohly. Zey ehhh mitmakeyach, bargainy, for ehhh me. Zey say $100, zen cross out, and writie 50. Zen I see 10 dolllarie. Store bargainie for me. Ehhh it like shuk wees no argumenty. Zeh taggy fight wis eetselfie. Eet ehh say, 'no, I only payie $10.' I say 'sank you.' I see clearance rackie. I sink somebody lie. BBQs Ehhh celebrate Jewly of Four wis ehhh BBQ. I sought I was celebrating Israel Independence Day. I guess it's something we do around zeh vorld ehhh. Eet weird ehhh to see Amerikai celebratee Yom HaAtzmaut on ehhh Jewly of Four. I say zem, 'You supposed to do eeen ehhh May, zeh latest. Sometime Apreeel.' Even ehhh, I say sank you for ehhh BBQ for Israeli independent on Jewly of Four. Very nice of you. Sank you to Canada for ehhh our independence too. Ehhh. We love BBQs. In Israeli, we do ehhh BBQ. Ehhh we call it ehhh Mangal. It's ehhh small. US of A do BBQ ehhh it huge. I sink ehhh size of BBQ eet ehhhh eees size of peeopolee. Amerikai ehhh beeg, ehhh cause ehhh BBQ ehhh beeeg. Sunday and Monday Off Israeli. We no even Sunday off. Hereee eet ehhh Sunday vMonday. Zees two day!!! Wallah. Ehhh zees independence. No go work, zees independence. Independence for Israeli. Sank you. Lovie Amerikana. National Holidays Zeees ehhh another day off. We have ehhh to get off for our holidays, and then walla! We also have to take off for zehh national holidays. Zeees working in Amerikaina zees summer makie good. Lovie. No work Sunday or holiday. It's ehhh good to be ehhh religious in Amerikai. Country give ehhh off holiday of country. Very religious country. Fire Workers Zey ehhh have ehhh fire workers. Zey ehhh go boom. In ehhh Israeli, we ehhh hearee fire workers, ehhh we no know if ehhh zees war or wedding in Ramallah. Eizer way, we hearie boom and ehhh we go inside. It ehhh boom, it ehhh bomb, we no know. Zees ehhh not ehhh Amerikai Jewishie songie, 'Booom Bomb Booom Booom Bomb, cheerie cheerie Boom Bomb.' We hearie boom, we no cheerie cheerie. It not way ehhh we say 'Shabbat Shalom,' I now in New York. I love. It's like Israelie wis ehhh more ehhh Jews. I say 'Shalom' and they say 'Shalom.' I love ehhh zis holiday. Not as much as Yom HaAtzmaut. Ehhh, it weird Amerikai no have ehhh Independence Day, just Jewly of Four. But ehhh I love zey make holiday just for Jew. Maybe it for my friend Jewly. I don't know. Jewly Four Sameach ***Note: The Kibbitzer wrote his article through dictation of Shmulik. We gave up on spellcheck with the word 'ehhhh.' Some of the 'this's had more 'e's. We left as is. We believe Shmulik is still celebrating Israeli Independence Day of July 4th, as we received this article three weeks ago and have not had another contribution from him since. We are writing this note after the 4th of July. If you see an Israeli running around with an American and Israeli flag, please contact us. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke: Pinchas7/2/2021
Shul’s annual meeting was this week. The shul was looking for a Pinchas. A leader. The rabbi wanted to stab somebody.
We started the Three Weeks of mourning, between the two fasts, when all the bad stuff happened to the Jewish people throughout history. The rabbi blamed it on the fact that there is no Pinchas in the congregation. Yid Zayin Tamuz was uneventful. I thought something would happen on the fast day, but it was just a fast. No buildings were destroyed this year, and there was no graffiti on the shul. Nothing bad happened to the Jews in Topeka, other than the town council hating the Jews and the shul board. Nonetheless, the rabbi blamed the destruction of the Temples and the exile on us. Once, somebody did write ‘Jew’ on our shul. We didn’t know if that was anti-Semitism, or somebody letting us know that Jews go to synagogue. There’s a Pinny in our shul. The rabbi said that doesn’t count for a Pinchas, as he took off half his name and never stabbed anybody. Mendy has a lot of Yahrzeits this week. That means he’s leading the davening (prayers), all week. That also means they are going to be long. In preparation for this, most of the members of the shul skip Minyin. They didn’t get the 10 number the first day, so there were no services. After that people started showing up and tagging out half way in. There was an understanding that it was too painful to be there for all of Mendy’s davening. The Yahrzeit is a big day. We commemorate the ones we lost. Our shul takes it very seriously. For the rabbi, it’s an extra day of mourning. He mourns yearly on the days of those who have passed, as he is in such sorrow about the children that they left him with. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Congregants, We had a hard time getting a Minyin for Mendy this week. I am not suggesting to stab anybody that’s not on the board. Though, people have been showing up late to shul… Somebody should take initiative and… At least let people know that what they’re doing is wrong. You all just stand there and let people… The guy stands at the Bima (the Tefillah stage). Walks to the front of the shul and stands there. Sneezes on it… He’s not leading services. He stands in the Chazin’s spot… No. He’s not even a member… Because nobody talks to him… There is not one Pinchas in this shul. We got one Kaddish guy totally out of control… It’s a group thing, Henry. You follow the leader… People are leading their own Kaddishes… He's two beats behind... Where’s the Gabai… We need a leader. We need a Pinchas to do avenge for us. Pinchas stepped in and took control. There were rules that had to be followed and he followed them… And if you don’t follow rules… Yes. Somebody has to do something for H’… We need rules. Procedures to follow. What happens when somebody hangs something on the bulletin board?... I see signs for haircut deals. Is the shul opening a barber shop in the social hall?... They engrave names into the back of the head. It’s called Clippers Hair Engraving. What frum Jew is going to this barber for the engrave your name under the Kippah style?... You put the name on the Kippah. That's what they did in the ‘80s… You can’t see it under the Yarmulke… Then they should be wearing one. Where is Pinchas when you need him… Pinny’s not a Pinchas. He shortened his name... He engraved 'Pinny' in his scalp… Rules. Who gets up to lead services? It seems like whoever wants just jumps up… what’s policy?... He led Kaddish for his hamster. You don’t say Kaddish for hamsters… What did you vote on at the annual meeting?... Do we need a Pinchas to take a stand? At the end of last week's Torah portion too many teenagers were having too much fun… I’m keeping this kid friendly Bernie. Because of this fun, as I will not repeat what I saw behind the shul, there was a plague. And I want our children to hear this. Sometimes these plagues are known as STDs… Sometimes your parents are… (Bamidbar 25:11) H’ says. ‘Pinchas… turned away My wrath from the children of Israel when he avengend My vengeance.' The Hebrew word used for ‘avenge’ is the same as used for jealousy. Kinah/קנאה. Pinchas stepped up and avenged Gd's קנאה, by killing two of the responsible parties... I am not saying that you should kill somebody if they have a decent yard... You shouldn't be jealous. It's a sin... Rashi does not translate קנאה with jealousy, but instead uses the terminology of revenge and anger, from the Hebrew words נקמה וקצף, also translated into Hebrew as 'revenge and whipped-cream.' We can learn from here that taking revenge is good. Revenge is right... In our shul, revenge is needed. Somebody's got to get back at some of these people who take extra time with their Amidah. Making us all wait... Like Pinchas stopped the plague by avenging, we must stop the plagues of our community. We take back the cantor’s spot at the Bima. We have the rightful people saying Kaddish, like Mendy… He had Yahrzeits all week… You wouldn’t know because you skipped Minyin… I know. It’s too long. Simmy's leading davening is a blasphemy to the community, too. Though, I don’t know if it warrants stabbing… If you feel for H' and can take that revenge for him, then maybe. It does extend davening too long. Pinchas gets the covenant of peace because he felt for H'. Because he was jealous for Gd... No. Being jealous for yourself is wrong... Karen has been coming to the shul for much longer than you, Sarah. That's why she has a better seat... We know it's right in front of you. Somebody should tell her hat is too big. Many people find it hard to understand, as jealousy is wrong. However, vengeance for others is not... If the others is H'... We're not taking vengeance for Karen sitting in her seat. This congregation is full of too many whiners. 'Oh, the choolante is too cold. Oh, the rabbi talks too long. Oh, whay whay whay...' Yes. The ‘why’s sound like Hebrew. Everybody complains, but nobody does anything. You have a leak in your home, You do nothing. You call a non-Jew to fix it. You’re whiny… Because you do nothing. Pinchas would’ve gotten up and fixed the shower… He would’ve caulked it. For Gd. As a community, we have to get angry more. We need more vengeance. Our very own Sunday School lost to St. Paul's Christians this past weekend and not one parent got on the floor to beat the non-Jews. Do we just forgive the Crusades and let them win? No. We have to be more proactive and win the game for our kids… I’ve seen Dr. Kramer on the basketball courts… So, you get kicked out. You get banned… You’ve already been banned from the country club anyways… You don't move much, but you can throw an elbow for your child. What are we teaching in Sunday School if our children are not taking revenge?... For others. Not for yourselves... You shall not be jealous for yourself. That's a commandment... It doesn't say 'for you.' But if this congregation's congregants took revenge for jealousy, anybody who's not overweight would be dead... You take revenge for H’. Pinchas is jealous and takes revenge for Gd… It’s fine to be jealous for Gd. Not to be jealous for the loop earrings… Whose mom lets them wear that?... Are you also letting her engrave her name on her head? For somebody else, it’s fine to be jealous. You can be out there fighting for others. Fighting for yourself to have somebody else’s house is wrong. Fighting for your Aliyah to the Torah is wrong. Fighting to lead the services for you is wrong… Because it’s Mendy’s week… The stabbings downtown are not for Gd. They’re for better prices on shoes. Foot Locker didn’t have 20% off, then a stabbing and a bunch of people running out of the store… Who gave them the bags? The plague ceased, due to Pinchas' revenge on Gd's behalf. What is wrong with jealousy? What is wrong with revenge? It's that when you do it, it is selfish, Pinny. Pinchas fought for what is right. He didn't do it because he was jealous. He saw something wrong... Mr. Bergenthal didn't get an Aliyah last week. We should commend Mrs. Stein for avenging Mr. Bergenthal's wrath, by keying the gabbai's car (gabbai is the sexton). She stopped an all out Mi Sheberyach blessing aggression on the congregation. The next Aliyah opportunity, Mr. Bergenthal would have went on 15 minute blessing prayer for his son's children's friends and the whole community… No room for lengthened blessings for family… They’re selfish and they steal time for the congregation… We don’t have time for you to be pulling out lists of third cousins… One general Mi Shebeyrach blessing per person. There is community blessing etiquette… Nobody cares to hear everybody's name in the community mentioned, no matter how rich they are. There are times when blessings are wrong, and that’s when I want lunch… Shabbat lunch is for H’. Where is our Pinchas?... Mrs. Stein stepped up. What are we doing to prevent these plagues from happening to our future generations? What are we doing for morality? Are we staying at home every night and forcing our children to watch the news with us? Are we following our children to the movies? Are we dressing them in family shared uniforms on vacation so that nobody will be attracted to them?... Summer vacation is not easy. Family uniforms make it easier to identify the child… Nobody else would dress their kid in the ‘Bergenthal Family Vacation’ shirt. That's how you ensure the children will act proper... If they look like losers... Pinchas took initiative. He would’ve kicked the guy off the bima and davened faster. The services are taking too long… They were hurting the congregation. It was a plague of time. That’s why he gets the rights of being a Kohen. Because he took that holy initiative… Yes. That’s correct Frank. He was already from a Kohen family. But those alive when leaving Egypt didn’t get the Kahuna rights... You had to earn it. Pinchas is the one who deserved it. As it says (Bamidbar 25:12) ‘Therefore say, “Behold I have given him my covenant of peace.”’ What is peace? It’s sticking up for people. It’s getting rid of a plague. It’s allowing for people to live. For Gd to be present… Sometimes you need to stab somebody. Yes… The covenant of peace is noticing someone else's needs. Noticing the community's needs... There was a plague, Simmy. And then you do what you can to stop it... By avenging. Showing his care and love for H' and the people... He turned back the plague with his action of avenging (Bamidbar 25:13). Sometimes you have to fight. And that war of yours lasts forever. It helps our people live… If somebody were to just get that guy away from the Bima… We need people to stick up for stuff… Chilul H’s all the time. It’s an embarrassment to H.’ Nobody is holding the door for people leaving shul… And the kids don’t say ‘thank you.’ Thank you. That is correct… It makes Jews look bad. And then you leave the parking lot… They were leaving before you. I saw it… No. You can’t cut off people outside of New York… We need a Pinchas to stop this. It’s a plague. The other shul is poaching our members… they come and take members for their Minyin. They have no shame… Other than nobody showing up, that’s why Mendy didn’t have a Minyin… We have to go to their shul and scare their members to leave… If we send our members there, that will scare them… They won’t want to go back to that Anshei Gneyvas Das… It's the middle of our Minyin and they take our members... The even take numbers... People think they're an offshoot of our shul... They announced their Mincha times at our Shacharit today... I announced it and then their cantor announced their times... Random people from their shul came... Where is our Pinchas to deal with the issues?... He put his tissue on my shtender. It’s my siddur holder… It holds it on a nice angle. I like that. Tissues don’t need an angle. Tissues shouldn’t even be on the table… First he stands at the Bima… Does nobody else see a problem with it… It was a used tissue… I used the sanitizer in front of him… I was as passive aggressive as possible… I sprayed him… Mrs. Stein is the only one who would've done something. She would've at least done a car tissue rub... I don't know what that is. But at least she would've done something... It all comes around. The Midianites that tried to get the Jews to sin are to be smitten (Bamdibar 25:17-18). They try to get us involved in their idol worshiping. They lead us astray. There is vengeance. Avengeance for Gd… Does it happen after the plague? After the idol worship? After my shtender has to be sanitized? Or, do we take an initiative and end it before the full plague takes fruition and people are sneezing all over the shul… Clean up at least. If you’re not going to venge, then clean up… We want unity, but the unity of hate destroys us in the end… The board is unity of hate. They’re trying to not give the rabbi a raise. Just like the Midianites and Moavites who tried to get the Jews to sin… It’s the same thing. They only join together in hate of the rabbi. Due to his sticking up for Hashem, Pinchas is rewarded with an everlasting covenant of peace. As we take on this new week, may we also take on the vengeance of what is right. Now I know many of the people in this community don't have a great grasp on reality and if you took into your hands what is right we would have kichel every kiddush. Let us learn from Pinchas. Let us not be selfish. Let us be strong. Let us be virtuous. Let us get a decent coach for the Maccabi School basketball team. And may we have an everlasting peace, with few MiShebayrachs… Otherwise, we could have another crusades. It is thus that we have the army. Chapter 26 (Bamidbar 26:1-4) begins with taking a census for those who go out to the legions for Israel... To stick up for H’ and what is right in this world. To stop the plagues of disease. Of people’s tissues on my stuff. Did we not see our members getting poached? Who is fighting for us… Pinchas. That is what a Jewish army does. Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha That was the third annual meeting of the year. I think the rabbi calls anything painful the annual meeting. With his stabbing rhetoric, everybody thought our rabbi was getting too involved in the summer's protests. The rabbi sounded just like the congregants when he complained about the cold choolante. It sounded just like Fran. The rabbi started bringing in shul goons. I think people are going to start fighting for H'. There’s a lot of angst in the shul, as everybody wants to be a Kohen. I am happy that the rabbi recently told people that they can’t turn into a Kohen. The prerequisite of being born a Kohen holds true for all nowadays. The problem is that the Kohens in our community are sitting and learning Torah. They’re not equipped for stabbing people who put their tissues in random places. The rabbi adding in 'for others' helped all understand the commandment of not coveting. For a moment, people thought they should go around beating other people up for what they wanted, as a mitzvah. That didn't sound like on of Gd's commandments. New shul Pinchas initiatives: No more sneezing in the sanctuary. Tissues go in pockets. Mishebeyrachs for no more than two people, no matter how much money you give to the shul. Bulletin board cannot have up any sign people want. The other shul is posting their services times, for members they didn't poach. No standing at the Bima, unless if you are the Chazin. Even if you have to say Mishebeyrachs, and you're at the Bima for that, you should be moving away before anybody feels the need to get up and stab you. No stabbing for shoes. Stabbing must have a legitimate reason. You must hold the door and say 'thank you.' You must attend a 'thank you' workshop. If you don't say 'thank you,' you get stabbed. You can only be jealous for other people. Yahrzeit davening leaders have to be fast, and not mourning rodents. Poach from other congregations. No meetings. Annual meetings are now annual speeches given by the rabbi. Kiddish must not have kichel more than three times a month. Like Pinchas, from now on, people have to do what is right. The Pinchas rule caused a lot of problems, as random members started taking initiative. Once the rabbi noticed how bad initiative is for our congregation, he took back the message of his sermon and told people that fighting for Gd means showing up for Minyin on time. The rabbi had to take back the idea of being jealous for other people, as well. People mistook that for saying how much they hated others, with words like, 'Why do the Feldsteins own that house. The Greenfelds are so much nicer than they are. They should live there.' Nobody ever argued with Mrs. Stein again. She even growled in the middle of the sermon. She's a beast. The 85 year old women in this congregation are tough. The rabbi did the Keil Maleh prayers for the deceased. There were eight in Mendy’s family. It’s a hard week and it’s during the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning. The rabbi told Mendy how easy it is to mourn during this time when the whole community is mourning. That didn't make Mendy feel any better. As Mendy asked, 'How many members lost their parents in the destruction of the Second Temple?' Yahrzeit candles have been handed out in the congregation. The rabbi’s message of commemorating and honoring our loved ones was taken to heart. The candles are great. The seven day candles last eight days. It’s made it hard on the people who have to keep Shiva. In order to get the days correct, they’ve started using calendars. Before having to figure out the exact days, many in our community tried following the ancient tradition of counting moons. Tags:
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We didn't realize that they both started balding in their teens. (we figured that their songs were stolen for the article, we might as well steal the picture)
I’m inspired. Last week, we spoke of Shlock Rock. Since then, I had a couple of hours and catch this, I came up with some Jewish parody songs. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘The Concert in Central Park,’ and I banged out an album.
I even thought of some other new songs to add to the lexicon of Jewish music. I figure that my lyrics will help to educate. I believe I’m onto something here. I woke up this morning, listened to the good times oldies station, and I think I am ready to bang out a second album. I only need to think of a couple more songs. Maybe I'll take a Whitney Houston song. I think I can go Platinum. Here are the new Simon and Garfunkel songs that I am willing to donate to Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock, if they pay me. Sitting Shteygin' Away tune of 'Slip Slidin' Away' by Simon and Garfunkel Lyrics: Sitting Shteyging Away. Sitting Shteyging Away Ay Ay Ay. When you're sitting in the Beis Medrish, the more you're sitting Shteyging away. He had a student (I ran out of lyrics). Lesson: Shteyging is learning Torah. You do that in the Beis Medrish, house of Torah study. It's also known as a Beit Midrash by those who try to speak a proper Hebrew and don't learn there. Rabbi Bergman tune of ‘Mrs. Robinson’ by Simon and Garfunkel Lyrics: Shalom Rabbi Bergman. H’ loves you more than you will know… Lesson: The song was very disturbing the first time I heard it. ‘Hey Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know.’ Is Paul Simon not Jewish? Should he not be singing about Gd? I would think he should be greeting people with 'Shalom' too. Wake Up Little Shlomie tune of ‘Wake Up Little Susie’ by Simon and Garfunkel Lyrics: Wake up little Shlomie. Wake up… We both fell sound asleep… We missed Kriat Shema, and the time’s gonna pass for Shacharit. Wake up little Shlomie… Lesson: You only have till the fourth hour of the day to say Shacharit. Shema has to be said by the third hour. Missing the Zman, time for Shema or Shacharit, is when you've really got to worry about your reputation. I’ve seen people say ‘ooh la la’ when they showed up to shul late. Everybody knows something happened the night before. Probably a big Shabbat meal. This song is written by The Everly Brothers. Now I lost all respect for Simon and Garfunkel. They didn't even have the decency to change the lyrics. A Heart in Jerusalem tune of 'A Heart in New York' by Simon and Garfunkel Lyrics: Jerusalem, you're like a scene from all the Bible… Then some people made movies. Jerusalem… Lesson: Any song with ‘Jerusalem’ in it is Jewish gold; especially ‘Jerusalem of Gold.’ I was looking to write a hit, so I used a hit. Haifa Shuk Friend tune of ‘Scarborough Fair’ by Simon and Garfunkel Lyrics: Are you going to Haifa shuk friend. Zatar, cumin, hawaij, charif. Remember me, when you are there. Bring me shwarma and a green pear. Explanation: The shuk has the spices, as well as shwarma and fruit. They always have pears. And I like pears. I should add, I like them green. I would have asked my friend for the pear. I probably would’ve put it in the fridge for a bit, as I find them more refreshing cold. However, the verse setup doesn’t allow for my friend to put it in my fridge. I would’ve eaten the shwarma while the pear was in the fridge. Then, I would’ve had the pear for dessert. I want you to understand why I wrote the lyrics like this, and why they are Jewishly meaningful. And the shuk is like a fair. The Sound of Silence tune of ‘The Sound of Silence’ by Simon and Garfunkel Lyrics: Taking three steps back. It’s the silent Amidah. It’s the sound of silence... Shalom Shmoolie my old friend. I’m sitting next to you again. Your siddur is sliding onto me. Why are you standing so close to me. And we take three steps back and forward. You can’t complain. It’s the sound of silence. Lesson: Why change the title when it’s so good? Was going to change the name of the song, but then people would wonder what it’s parodying. So, I kept the name the same. The song is about the Amidah. The silent prayer. That should explain the silence. Many have parodied this song. However, not many have talked about how you must be silent in shul. Again, MEANING. That’s what Jewish parodies are about; the lesson. I was going to go with ‘Shalom Itzkik my old friend. I’ve come to buy from you again. But your prices are really high. Last time my melon had a fly… It’s the sound of silence.’ I’ve had many uncomfortable experiences in the shuk with shopkeepers. Though, we decided to go with shul, as we wanted to keep the song on the lighter, more fun side, for you. I think ‘Haifa Shuk Friend’ says it all. Who could’ve thought that writing Jewish songs could be so meaningful? When seeing these songs, the word ‘brilliant’ comes to mind. I’m glad I was able to add to the Jewish song catalogue. Next time I will bring you some non-Paul Simon inspired songs, with fine lyrics like ‘Shimon Shimon Ko Ko Bop’ and ‘Aleph Bet, it’s as easy as Sheva Chet.’ And don’t forget ‘Come On Rabbi Light The Fire’ by The Dor vDors and Mordechai Stein, with lyrics like ‘Check all the jars of pickles too. Make sure that they have an OU. We'll let you throw it all away, if you find Triangle K… Come on rabbi light the fire. Come rabbi light the fire... And please go turn on the deep fryer...’ Thanks to Shlock Rock it's Jewish tradition to write songs that are aldeady written. It’s so much easier to write songs without having to write the melodies. If l stole any tunes from Shlock Rock's parodies by accident, I am sorry, and I hope I am not in violation of any copyright infringement. I can’t wait till we parody Weird Al, if that’s allowed. Please share the songs you love, and I will be sure to turn it into your favorite Jewish pastime. I will turn your favorite hit into a hit. It’s our way of giving back to the Jewish community. One more shout out to Simon and Garfunkel. I couldn't have done this without you. Tags:
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What’s a cat’s favorite holiday? Purr-im. You get it? Cats purr. The beginning of Purim is “Pur.” We added an extra “r” to make the pun work. We don’t know what to do with the “im” part. But the pur is there. Puns are meant to be meaningful, even if you don't finish them. 
We all have heroes. I met one of mine... He even visited Israel and they didn't arrest him. The double standard.
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
To fulfill the Mitzvah of Mishloach Manot, one must give two food or drink items to one person, that you received from somebody else and don't want... or hundreds of Halloween leftovers and bottles of thimble sized Johnnie Walker. Or poppy seed Hamentashen, because you also don't like them.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
7/30/2021
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