Announcements
If anybody would like to volunteer at the dairy farm in our shul’s parking lot, that is appreciated. The rabbi said his position is better spent teaching Gemara classes than milking cows. Though, he wants to make it clear that he appreciates cattle more than the membership.
 
Everybody in the shul has a cold. So, no complaining if somebody got you sick, even if they’re not wearing a mask. To quote the rabbi: "The mask does not keep the congregants from talking."
This Purim, we ask that people wear masks that cover the eyes as well as the mouth. We would like to not see your full face.
 
We will not be providing protein shakes at Kiddish. The rabbi says they are not Jewish and thus forbidden from shul events. To quote the rabbi: “Jews don’t shake drinks. Jews stir.”
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Farming to Keep in Shape: An Idea that Won’t Get People to Volunteer. Wearing a Mask that Keeps People Safe from Hearing You Talk. How to Drink Alcohol with Protein in It, As a Jew: Something Called Schnapps.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 2:12) Upon seeing an Egyptian hitting a Jew, Moshe “turned this way and that way and saw there was no man. So he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand”... Before killing somebody, you definitely want to check. Unlike Tim, who goes right up to the video camera like he's performing for surveillance... Discreet. Very discreet Tim. You weren't at Minyin, we all know. The camera caught you...

No man. Means no action. Like our shul. ​Nobody helps with Kiddish. Nobody helps with Minyin. Nobody keeps the little ones from crawling around my feet in the middle of services.
He noticed that nobody was willing to take a stand. What’s a man?... Very good. None of the people sitting in the back left of the shul...

(Shemot 2:13-14) Two Jews are fighting, and Moshe said to the “wicked one, ‘Why would you hit your fellow?’” He thus replies, “Who appointed you the chief and judge over us? Are you going to kill us, like you killed the Egyptian?”... I'm the rabbi. That's why I give sermons, Bernie.
When there is no man amongst your people, it leads to moral decay and false blame. It leads to board meetings.
When weak people spread the word about something, you must run. Which is why nobody showed up to the Secret Hannukah Harry Event... It's too similar to Secret Santa. No identity. Weak. Our board makes weak committees of people that want to kill Jews...

If they were men, they would’ve went with Moshe and they would’ve been freed. They would’ve stood up to the real enemy. Egypt, or the board. Not to Moshe, who was protecting them...
They were slaves. They were weak. Weak people justify. They throw blame. Moshe knew he had to run from that. As I should run from this shul...

Our shul has no men... Why I haven’t run is the question.
No men. No action here.  And then you blame when something is right.
Unmanly men... What is a manly man?! Not Simcha.

Well. There is a reason for the farm. Work. Men work. They give of themselves. You don’t volunteer... Exactly. If you want a parking spot, you have to volunteer to move a cow.

And so much hatred, due to this lack of manhood in our community. So much non-mask hatred. Sinat Mask.
If your mask stopped you from talking, I would be in total support of it. I would agree that not wearing you mask causes hatred...
Stop complaining about the no-masks making you sick. You come to shul, expect to get sick. Every time I see the members of our shul, I get sick...

You get your protein from choolante... Choolante has protein. A lot of fat, a lot of carbohydrates and protein.
The way Nachum doesn’t share the meat, he’s getting protein out of the choolante. That's a manly thing to do... Manly men don't share choolante. When it comes to choolante, justice is different...
Protein shakes are Asur. Religious Jews get their protein from fat...
If it was schnapps with protein there might be a reason for Jews to drink it.

In Midian, Moshe has a child. (Shemot 2:22) Moshe calls his child Gershom, saying, “I was a stranger in a foreign land.” He was a wanderer, but he found a wife and he had a family. So, he called his kid "Foreign land." At home we call our kid "We want to leave this community."
Moshe was a man because he realized he was in a foreign land. He was honest. And I can't stand the men in the back left of the shul...

Once you realize you're a foreigner, a stranger in a strange land, you can approach it. You can deal with it. You can be strong. Your morality is not based on the influence of congregants. You understand that you're dealing with a board of heretics. You understand that nobody is going to help you, especially membership. You can finally accept that these people consider themselves Jews, even if they think that you need more protein than choolante provides...

The Jews did not see that they were different. They didn't have that identity of empowerment. They saw themselves as abused.
Once they started crying, Gd remembers their difference. He remembers His covenant, His Brit with Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov (Shemot 2:23-24)... It's at that moment that H' rescues them. The people of strength, who accepted their difference. Men of action who stood up for morality. Unlike the board, who doesn't even volunteer...

I would appreciate it if the board stops quoting me in the announcements and blaming me for everything nasty they say. Be men, be strong, and take the blame.
The board should quote the rabbi as saying, "He wants the board to run from the shul."

Rivka's Rundown
Good call on not a man. The congregants do nothing. There wasn’t even a man to help build the shul’s Sukkah this year. They had to hire a handyman. “Man” is in the name of the guy we had to hire. There's no such thing as a handycongregant. Nobody would hire that.
“Not Simcha.” The rabbi is so true and concise with his brilliance.

The rabbi truly lives by his word. He said everybody should be a farmer. Now he has shul shifts for the parking lot dairy farm.
It’s amazing how our congregants are more interested in the dairy farm than visiting the sick. A shul food kitchen for the poor would never happen. They would rather milk a cow than feed dairy to the needy. Inviting those people for Pesach is too much already.
The rabbi was able to get around angry congregants who said it was rude for him to say that he likes cattle more than them, by saying, "I love animals." You can get away with anything if it's for the animals. The rabbi even got rid of some congregants saying, "There's more of a chance that a bull will pay dues than the Finkelmans."

They still make such a big deal about the mask. They don’t stay home. They go out and wear the mask in protest of healthy people.
It was messed up when Purim a few years back everybody showed up to shul in masks that only covered the mouth. My kids are still in shock from the experience. They sometimes have flashbacks to having to see the rest of the members' faces.

The rabbi ordained protein shakes are forbidden. Other things the rabbi forbade were going to a gym with people who are in shape. He said, "If they're in shape, they're not eating the right protein." He also forbade meetings. He called those "a waste of time, Bitul Zman, especially when the president of the board is there." Milking cows and then not washing your hands before praying was on the Asur list as well. Masks must be worn over the mouth that stop members from talking was ordained. And the rabbi did say that there are times where you can't kill people and bury them in the sand, even if they're on the board.

Announcements
We are going to celebrate Michael’s first birthday. His parents gave us nothing for his Bris, other than bagels and butter. For his first birthday, as it is not a Jewish event and thus a Heimishtein Simcha, they will serve pizza, ice cream, salmon, lox, bagels. A full bar of schnapps will also be had.
 
The fast is over Friday evening with Shabbat. If you made it till Shabbat, you don’t have to worry anymore about not eating. If you are at the Pitzkowitz home for Shabbis dinner, you may still be fasting till Shabbat morning, due to their Kugel recipe. It's disgusting.
 
We want to welcome everybody back from their Chanukah vacation they took this week, as it is not Chanukah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Simcha with No Lox. Celebrating At the Wrong Time and How to Show Up to Everything Late, Like Our President. What a Kugel Should Not Look Like with Mrs. Pitzkowitz.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Why do people get stuff? Well let me tell you, Bernie. It’s because they work for it. Unlike Sam, who got an Aliyah, who has never worked on a farm before... Our congregants should be farmers before we give them anything. Or at least they should show up to Minyin...

(Bereishit 48:19) Upon putting his right hand on Ephraim, Yaakov tells Yosef that Ephraim will be greater. Yosef wanted the right hand on Menashe, the older son. Yaakov tells Yosef, “I know my son. I know.” Kind of like I have to tell the board all the time... Why do we need a Kosher kitchen? Because a Kosher kitchen has to be Kosher. I have to constantly say, “I know. I have Smicha. I have rabbinic ordination. I know.” "I know you think you're important because you're on a board. I know. I know you know nothing. I know you like wasting my time. I know. I know you haven't given me a raise in three years. I know."
Yaakov knows Menashe is the firstborn. But he also knows Ephraim is destined for greatness. Haamek Davar explains that this is not because of the blessing. The blessing is there to aide. It’s because Ephraim learned with him. If any of you learned a little Torah every once in a while. If any of you ever got a decent job, maybe... (Rashi 48:1) The reason Yaakov is able to speak to Yosef immediately is because Ephraim was with him learning... When you're in the right place, things move fast. When you're not at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Unlike with the board, where everything moves so... Well, have you finished the December meeting yet?!
It was Ephraim's accomplishments in Torah study that deserved him the blessing and brought about his greatness. The blessing is there to help carry out the mission.
It’s the work. That is what brings the Bracha. The effort brings Bracha. It gives it a place to sit, not like in the back left, where everybody is talking during Davening. You can't even hear the Chazin back there. You can't hear any Brachas there... Because Shimon won't stop talking...

We all want, but do we do? Do you farm?!
(Bereishit 48:22) Yosef gets Shechem.
Why does Yaakov give him more? Rashi says because he is working for Yaakov’s burial. So, Yaakov gives him land he will be buried in... Yosef is buried in Shechem.
Why don’t you get anything? Because you don’t help.
It’s the work. that brings the Bracha.
I know this congregation doesn't work. I know. I haven't seen dues paid in twelve months.
I know nobody here ever wants to help with the Chevra Kadisha. I know.

Nobody here helps. Nobody learns. If you learned, you would understand you waste time... Learning isn't wasting time. Learning reminds you, you waste time... No. Not when you're learning...
We would have blessing. Bracha. I know this shul is messed up. I know.

You want. But you don't give. You don't work. It is all meaningless. No Brachas.
It’s just Jewish events mean nothing to you... You should’ve had the lox at the Bris. Instead, you put down 5k on Michael’s first birthday party... No. He won’t remember it. The congregation will remember that the Bris had butter...
We would’ve been blessed with a normal Bris.
I know the families in this shul are messed up. I know.

Asarah BTevet was a one day fast. Calm down. It's over. You're having flashbacks to a ten hour fast... I understand you ate at the Pitzkowitzs. I know it's hard. But it is over... Her Kugel is very hard.
It would've been a blessing to have a normal Kugel that was soft.
I know the congregants are crazy. I know.

I won’t eat at the Pintzkowitz home. Not with sweet lokshen spinach Kugel. Who makes sweet spinach???
And then the pine nut olive oil and honey chumus???
If Mrs. Pintzkowitz learned to make a normal Kugel, there would be blessing...

Again. It's about giving. It's about proper action.
You don’t even do Chanukah vacation at the right time... It was the week after Chanukah. It should be January vacation. That’s what the Jewish school should call it. You have a preChanukah party and a postChanukah vacation. That is how you celebrate Chanukah...
You do everything at the wrong time. Late. You do vacation late. You can’t even show up to Minyin on time.
If you spent your holiday time correctly, we would’ve been blessed with a beautiful Chanukah. The kids would’ve got great Chanukah gifts. Instead, they got December gifts... Chanukah gifts are Chanukah gelt... Yes. Money made out of chocolate. That is how money should be made. Money made out of chocolate is a Bracha.
I know everything this congregation does makes no sense. I know.

I know this shul is messed up. I know. But if you work on cooking. If you work on practicing the holidays in the right time. If you work on birthdays for people who know it’s their birthday. People other than three-year-olds. If you work at getting rid of the board, we can be great. We can be deserving of a blessing, and extra land for a bigger parking lot... It would be a blessing if you could pay dues with chocolate. I agree.

If you work on yourselves, we might be deserving of a blessing, to carry out the mission of practicing MItzvot correctly, and getting rid of Bernie...
We should be blessed with the Bracha of getting rid of the board.

If you learned Torah, you would deserve Bracha. If you just worked at stuff, you would deserve it.
I know this will not happen. I know...
We are only accepting farmers as congregants from now on.

Rivka's Rundown
I can’t tell you what farming has to do with an Aliyah to the Torah. Maybe if the farmer was learning twelve hours of Torah a day, the sermon would have made sense.
The rabbi started a dairy farm in the shul's parking lot. I think the rabbi truly always wanted a petting zoo. He accidentally bought cows. He didn't realize they were too big for little kids to pet.

The sermon was Paytonic. The rabbi wrote a piyut as he gave his sermon. The theme of "I know this congregation is messed up. I know," was beautiful. The Bracha was Yaakovesque. The rabbi even delivered it in acrostic form, which spelled out, "The congregants are is very annoying. Not a Bracha."

The rabbi is right. We have to celebrate our Judaism more. It’s for this reason, I didn’t show up to Michael’s first birthday and I didn’t buy him a gift. I saved four hours and around a hundred eighty dollars. I wrote the rabbi how much I appreciated his sermon. And I paid part of my dues.

Nobody worries about the destruction of Jerusalem on these fasts. They think about when they can eat again. And then they worry about when the next fast will be. The destruction of the Temple is truly mourned by our membership. They're all praying for a future redemption where they will be able to eat.

The Pintzkowitzs are really into that sweet and sour thing. They have gone too far. They’ve been making spicy cheesecake. It’s disgusting. They put hot peppers in the cheesecake. They say it adds flavor. It adds messed up flavor.
And then they serve the cheesecake as a main. They decided that since peppers are in it, it's not dessert.

Our community uses the holidays for parties and vacations. They say, "It's a week before the holiday, we should celebrate it now." That’s why so many people don’t like Yom Kippur. There aren’t enough pre-Yom Kippur vacations and parties planned. The board is planning a pre-Yom Kippur Sinoff this year. To quote the president, "The idea is to get people to come to shul. They don't come for Yom Kippur anymore. They will come to shul to sin."

It's all messed up. There is no blessing, because nobody works at anything.
They said the bird in the shul was a Bracha. It was in the shul because nobody closed the window. Nobody lifted a hand to close the window. It would’ve been a blessing to have a shut window during the winter, with no animals flying around while I’m saying the Amidah.

Announcements
Everybody is still talking about the preChanukah party and how fun it is was, because it didn’t happen on Chanukah. We are not planning a Rosh Hashana party in February. We're going to call it the High Holidays at the Wrong Time program.

Members are still complaining about the length of Rosh Chodesh Davening on Chanukah. Seeing all the signs on the shul’s board for the extra prayers has left many of them scarred. Many have not been back to shul since, due to what they are calling Post Traumatic Davening Disorder or sleeping in late for the past month.
 
We want to thank Rick for creating the Tallis shirt. A shirt that Tallises don’t fall off. The rabbi is sick of watching people adjust their Tallises constantly during Aliyahs.
 
Shul lockers have been handed to important community members. If you are not important, you have to leave your Tallis in the open for possible burglary.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Daven for Five Minutes Without Your Tallis Coming Off. How to Stay Out of Shape: Choosing to Have Your Locker at Shul and Not at the Gym. How To Chase Everybody Out of Shul By Singing Hallel. How to Adjust a Tallis Every Three Seconds Because You Have No Shoulders Like the Finkelman Family.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Bereishit 45:15) “And after this, his brothers spoke with him.” After this whole back and forth and taking Binyamin and sending them back to Yaakov. After the reveal of who he is, they spoke. Yosef and his brothers finally spoke.
As we have seen in our congregation, family can go years without speaking. Thus making for what we know as a shul. A very uncomfortable place to pray with people you know, to Gd, in disdain...
It was time for the brothers to move ahead. Unlike the Beit Midrash committee who hasn’t purchased a book yet... You speak and do nothing. The brothers spoke and there was Shalom... I understand it’s hard to have peace with Sarah Bayla on a committee. She wants to color coordinate and interior the Sefarim... Sarah Bayla. You can have a brown Shtender with a maroon Siddur. Even if they clash.

Yosef accepted that he was sent to Mitzrayim for a reason. It was Gd’s plan. Accepting Gd's plan is the prerequisite for peace. For making up with others.
He tells them to hurry and to bring the family and to tell their dad, Yaakov, (Bereishit 45:9) “So says your son, Yosef, ‘Gd placed me the master for all of Egypt. Come down to me. Don’t wait.” After accepting it was Gd's plan, and making peace, it was time to hurry. It was time to see dad. No waiting.
You don't wait when there is peace. You wait and you end up with Sarah Bayla on the committee. And nothing gets done...

If you can accept it’s Gd’s plan you can have peace. Once you have peace, you can have a conversation. Which is why I can’t listen to Merv. The jokes are too much... I’ve heard them a hundred times. You repeat them to everybody... Your jokes are not part of Gd's plan. Possibly Gd's plan for retribution...

Waiting is not part of Gd's plan. Which is why I ask myself every morning why I showed up to Minyin on time... All I do is wait.
I can’t see how what this shul does is Gd’s plan. That's why there's no peace.
Why Gd sent me here, I can’t figure out. Maybe I sinned.

You do everything wrong. This is why we have fights all the time, still. There is no way this is Gd’s plan... I believe that everything is in the hands of H’. But you found a way to mess it up. I have no idea how a board can get in the way of Gd's plan. They got in the way of giving me a raise. And now, with this whole color coordination book scheme, which Eichler's never planned...

So. The Chanukah party was more fun because it was done at the wrong time... No. Judaism is not a program. A Chanukah party before Chanukah is not Gd's plan...
Why are you calling it a Rosh Hashana party? Why not call it Tu BShvat the Rosh Hashan LElanot party and celebrate it at the right time?... Tu BShvat is in February... It is a Rosh Hashana. Trees sin too.
Rosh Hashana for trees in Shvat is Gd's plan. If the shul had it at the right time...

Davening is part of Gd's plan.
And now we have congregants scared to come to shul, because they are scared to Daven... I understand it's long. It’s got the most signs of the year. Nobody complains about Selichot because there are no signs. Should we take down the signs... Selichot are longer. We just don’t have Dave leading Hallel and singing like a fool for Selichot. They're done before Shacharit. It's too early to sing. It's that post Amidah excitement that ruins people's days... You don‘t sing Hallel during the week. It’s Davening. It’s not a concert. It’s not a program. People have to get out of shul Dave. When you're singing, people have to get out of shul...
PTDD is not a disorder. It's an excuse Simmy had to skip shul again.

Dave is the reason there is no peace. A really long Davening is not H's plan.
Everything looks wrong in this shul, especially Chaim's new haircut...
Davening together should make for peace. I can't even look at the congregation. I get annoyed looking at the membership.

Your Tallis just fell again... Why are you wearing a silk shirt? Of course, the Tallis will fall.
It’s just annoying to have to watch you guys with Tallises falling constantly... Well then get to the gym and get wider shoulders, Finkelman. This congregation has the narrowest shoulders. Which is why you’re not good Jews...
Rick. Thank you. But even your Tallis shirt won’t work out. The Velcro is a great idea. But they have no room on their shoulders for Velcro...

Shul lockers? Who's giving out shul lockers now? We can't get a Minyin, but they need lockers... This isn’t a gym... I understand most of you sweat sitting. As you are extremely out of shape...
Who is stealing Tallises? I don't understand the need for the lockers

Maybe we can find Shalom one day in this shul. If we are ever able to figure out how having congregants like this is Gd’s plan. I just hope I retire before that...
When you know H's plan you have Shalom...

Rashi teaches (45:15) “After this” means that it was after they saw he cried and his heart was content with them.
Maybe we need to cry. We need to cry as a congregation. Unify in tears and make it all make sense. Why we have to listen to Merv's jokes. Why we have to listen to Dave's Davening and see Finkelman's Tallis fall. Why Sarah Bayla can't picked florescent pink as the right color for the Siddurs... Until there are tears, the full Teshuva, the extent of ability to move on is not there yet. When you see Gd's plan and realize how much you messed up, you cry. You get it out. And then there can be peace. So let us cry. Just look at Chaim's hair. It got me crying...
Maybe H’ needs real emotion from us. A way of admitting we understand our wrong and we want to live right...

Let's not wait. All this shul does is wait for a Chazin and Dave to finish Davening...

Rivka's Rundown
Everybody in the shul started crying. The sermon was so long.

How families and siblings don't talk to each other, but pray right next to each other. It's a Jewish trait and one we are proud of. Most peoples of the world can't live with such discomfort. Our congregation thrives on it.

The rabbi ended the sermon with Queen's “We are the Champions.” Not a dry eye. Everybody was hugging. Some congregants apologized for being congregants. They all walked up to the Bima to hug the rabbi.
It was so emotional, the board decided that next year they’ll celebrate Chanukah on Chanukah. They even conceded to Gd's plan to have Rosh Hashana on Rosh Hashana.

Truth is the committees move nowhere because Sarah Bayla has to interior design everything. Siddurs don’t need to be color coordinated with the Shtenders. Nor do women's hats need to match the section they're sitting in. We had to wait for the rabbi to kick off his sermon a couple of weeks ago, as Sarah Bayla did not appreciate the burgundy hat in the purple hat section. She made Mrs. Shafron, a ninety-two-year-old woman get up and move to the other side, so the rabbi could start his Drasha. She then said, "Now the section doesn't clash."

They do do everything wrong. Like the rabbi said, even the raise they gave him was wrong.

All they love about the preChanukah party was that it has nothing to do with Chanukah.
Rosh Hashana LElianot is something we should celebrate more. I don't know if trees sin. They do get old though. Maybe the trees remind the rabbi of Bernie. Trees do deserve a New Year party. My friend celebrated her daughter's first birthday. The tree has more of a chance of remembering the celebration.

What kind of idiot sings Hallel during the week???
It's scary seeing all those signs on the plaque. You come to shul one day and it's all up there. Al Hanisim, Hallel, vTen Tal uMatar, Mashiv HaRuach, YaEleh vYavo. Maybe take that one down. YaAleh vAYavo. You have the guy whacking the table. That’s scary enough. You don’t need to scare people with the signs too. And then to scare them with singing.
You can't have peace when you're that scared.

All of Davening, all they do is adjust their Tallises. I have never seen a shirt that holds a Tallis without it falling. Rick’s shirt is cute. But it looks weird with Velcro on the shoulders. You get the feeling like these guys are soldiers with Tallises. They have that Velcro line on their shoulders, showing they served their country by staying out of the army.

The community spent much time after this trying to come up with a shirt that you can wear without the Tallis slipping. They started making shirts out of corduroy. The slats in the corduroy keeps the Tallis in a spot. The problem is the spot isn’t always comfortable.
They tried selling it to Shark Tank. None of the sharks wanted in. They said that the "Jews at your shul don’t even pay dues. How are you going to get them to buy this?!" There was no answer. Mr. Wonderful did say he would be a customer, as he likes the idea of joining a congregation where other people complain too.

Shul lockers has caused a whole ruckus. Now everybody wants a locker for Sheytels, hats, shoes, keys. Not one person wants the locker for gym shorts. You would think one congregant would want to stay in shape. Maurice has now joined the walking group in the back of the shul. He calls it pacing. I figure, he would sweat less if he had on shorts.

Announcements
We want to thank the Simkin Mishpuchi for sponsoring Sufganiot by following the Jewish tradition and going to Dunkin Donuts.
 
We will not be hosting a shul Chanukah party due to not wanting to ruin people’s holidays by having to see members of our shul.
 
The community candle lighting was a huge success. We want to express the community sentiment that we’re happy the Chabad rabbi is now safe. Being held up by a harness fifty feet in the air, we’re happy he made it down safely. We’ll be hosting a fundraiser to higher a construction crew to light the Chanukiah next year.
 
Davening will be at 8:30am in the morning for the holidays. The rabbi asks that people show up for Minyin and remain Jewish, even though they have off of work.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Chanukah with the Wrong Sufganiot: Picking Out Sufganiot Like Morah Betsy with No Jelly. How to Ruin Chanukah by Seeing Congregants. Saving Lives and The Height That Makes a Chanukiah Asur. How to Sleep in and Not Show up for Minyin, Like Our Congregation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

It’s about blessing. And that comes from connecting to Gd and not seeing congregants. And with that, you don’t suffer. Hence, Yosef called his kids Menashe and Efraim... He wasn't making fun of them. Those were their names. Their excellent names. I call you stupid face, because you're annoying.
(Bereishit 41:51-52). “Menashe for H’ has made me forget all of my suffering.” And Efraim because “Gd has made fruitful in the land of my suffering”... It’s "Amali" and "Aniyi." Different words, but the same meaning according to Artscroll. Suffering... Names have meaning.
Here, at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I called one of my kids Dror, because the shul wouldn’t get me an extra cupboard in my office... I could’ve used another few drawers.
My second kid, I called Max. Because the congregation is the bane of my life.

Two different types of blessings. They're both strength Gd gives us to deal with issues. Congregants. I have not found a way to deal with congregants.
There are two ways to approach issues. One is to forget and one is to tackle them head on. Our board chooses to forget. Which is why we end up with messed up Sufganiot and a leak.

This is what makes Efraim greater... I don’t know how. It’s the tackling. He doesn't avoid the issues. No matter how many congregants he has to deal with, he concurs the pain and makes it a success. I will be hosting classes in my home, to make everything a success.
Approaching hardship head on allows for the opportunity to change good to bad. Kind of like how I took Chanukah in this community made it a point to not see Bernie and made it beautiful. Fruitful in a way...

Artscroll teaches Yosef did not run away from his father. He wanted to do Kibud Av vEim. His brothers barred him from that. Kind of like the shul that bars me from doing Mitzvot. Menashe represents Gd’s help with Yosef dealing with the pain by having something else to thing about... Congregants just add to the pain.
That pain of being estranged was something he had not control over. That kind of pain, you can't make it fruitful. You can push aside and move on that way... What did I do with the Morah Betsy Sufganiot. It was just pain. Very painful...
No. Artscroll is not Rashi. Bernie.

How do we deal with our suffering here? How do we find the blessing? Do we mask it and let people die alone or do we face it straight on and turn it into something beautiful?! I know our congregants don't visit the sick. You haven’t visited Amelia in the Home yet. She’s alone. You should visit and make her cancer beautiful for a day... I am not suggesting Bernie visit. That would just be adding to the suffering.

The shul Chanukah parties are something to forget. Gd granted me that strength so that I can enjoy the holiday and serve this congregation. I do that by forgetting this congregation...
No. We are not having a Chanukah party this year. We don't want anybody to suffer on Chanukah... We had it before Chanukah. I will explain Fran... Well the other shul that is celebrating Chanukah on Chanukah is not Frum. They're not religioios. It's called Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot. You want to be quick to hurry to do Mitzvot. So, our board thought to celebrate the holiday quickly, before the holiday. To do it at the wrong time...

If you would've got Boston cream Sufganiot, like Israelis, I would've enjoyed the holiday. I am asking for better donuts.
Why was there Danish at the Chanukah party last year?... Donuts are not Sufganiot. They’re donuts. There’s a reason they’re called Sufganiot. Because it’s Jewish. Dunkin Donuts makes Sufganiot... Tradition is Boston cream Sufganiot. That is what they ate in the Temple. The second Beit HaMikdash... They didn't eat Sufganiot in the first Beit HaMikdash. In the first Beit HaMikdash they had Danish...

It's a matter of where we see the blessing. We can concur every dealing with the congregation with both modes of overcoming issues.
Sometimes the blessing is in lighting at home... Seeing you on Chanukah ruins my Chanukah...
The community lighting ceremony was off. There is nothing about Chanukah that says a rabbi has to risk his life to light a Menroah... This is why I'm not a Chabad rabbi. I’m too scared of heights... Yes, Fayge. This is why it's called Crown Heights. Very good...
We just hope the Chabad rabbi stays safe being held up by a crane... I don't believe it's a Mitzvah to risk your life to light a Chanukiah. They didn't have Menorah crane lighting in the Beit Hamikdash. Just stairs... The rabbi had to rappel down.

Both ways of dealing are gifts from Gd. When you have the power and strength to deal, you do. When you have support, you can deal. When there is no support, H' sometimes grants you that strength to forget. Which is what I do when I get home every Shabbis. I forget shul. The same way Yosef had to put aside in his head that he is estranged... Being in this shul, I feel I am estranged from my people...
The Minyin has no support. That means you don't show up...
No. We're not doing the late Minyin anymore... Because you guys sleep through that too. And we can't do a late Mincha. That's too late to Daven already...
Before you have an opinion or an issue with it, first show up for Minyin. You took off all week for Xmas and you took off from shul. Yosef would've shown for Minyin...

I don't want to deal. I want to forget. There is no way of making having to see Bernie and Merv at Minyin every day beautiful...
If we had anybody in this shul that was smart enough, I would make him second to me. I would give him the power, like Paroh gave Yosef.
The Gabai is wise. He shall be second to me. Not the Chazin. The president shall be of no importance. The president only causes suffering.

Paroh tells Yosef, (Bereishit 41:44) “And without you, no man shall lift his hand or his foot in all of Egypt.” Paroh had Yosef deal with everything. The same I shall do with the Gabai. People must have permission from my second in command...
Our Gabai has dealt with enough. It's time we listen to his wisdom and allow for us to find that Bracha of salvation. No more giving yourself an Aliyah. You will have to wait for the Gabai to be called to the Torah. You will only be able to open the ark with the Gabai’s approval. You can only get a shul locker if the Gabai says you're showing up for preMinyin aerobics. This is how we shall deal with famine in our shul... That calling yourself for your own Aliyah you all were doing was crazy. We had eighteen people go up for Cohen. All called themselves... There are only two Cohens in the shul, Bernie...
Shmuel. You are an amazing Gabai. No arguing. The great must bear the burden...

With this we can name our kids normal names, like Brian. But only with the Gabais OK...
Next year, we will have a Chanukah party, and I will choose a wise person to run it and get Boston Cream Sufganiot... No purchasing of Sufganiot with Shmuel. My second in command. Traditional apple fritters are up to him.

Sometimes, it's just too painful. And we have to forget. When I get home at night, I forget the congregants... From now on, any issues go to the Gabai. My second in command. He will make it all good...

Rivka's Rundown
I do not believe that people getting up for their own Aliyah without being called constitutes famine.
The rabbi threw all the shul's issues onto the Gabai. That was his way of dealing with the suffering of the congregants. That is what I call throwing under the bus. I think the rabbi is trying to work less.
The rabbi threw himself into Yosef’s issue, blaming us for his suffering. I guess that’s the point of Bereishit. To personalize how annoying your community is.
Congregants are issues. When the Torah speaks of hardship and suffering, H' is speaking of our congregants.

How Max means “bane of life” I don’t know.

The rabbi stopped hosting classes in his house, and started having them back at shul, when the board said they were going to cut his salary. We all suffer at a price.

Sufganiot are donuts. Both are deep fried. Both have jelly. However, Dunkin Donuts does not claim to be Sufganiot. The way most of the people in our community make Sufganiot, Dunkin Donuts doesn’t want to ruin their reputation. Dunkin Donuts is fine being mistaken for Krispy Kreme though.
The board took the Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, hurrying to do Mitzvot, comment by the rabbi to be a compliment. They started doing everything early. The secretary suggested they start doing Shabbat on Thursday. To quote: "It wouldn't be a problem. It would still be Jewish. No other religion celebrates the Sabbath on Thursdays." To which the treasurer said, "We don't know. We were surprised when summertime Ramadan turned was celebrated in the winter."

I think we have to work on our community. When a community doesn’t want to see each other, there’s an issue. When you pay dues and don't want to see those people at a ceremony or celebration, you start to think if this is the right religion.
I believe the rabbi said, "Anything with the words 'community' and 'ceremony' is going to be painful. No joy."

It was scary to see the Chabad rabbi up so high. One light went out. The whole community insisted the rabbi not go back up to light it. They called in a construction crew to relight it.
These Chabad rabbis risk their lives to publicize the miracle. They didn’t have construction crews lighting the Menorah, or harness belts, in the Beit Hamikdash. There’s a point where it’s too much. Maybe have a community slab of wood nuts made by the nursery school Chanukah Menorah. I think the rabbi was competing with the Topeka Xmas tree. He saw the Christians get eight stories, a scaffolding and clean windows. Jews should too.

People take off of work and they take off Judaism. Vacation is vacation.
The congregants were not happy about the late Shacharit Minyin for the week of Xmas break. To quote Baruch: "Shoot. Now we have to go."
I don't think Jewish day schools should have Xmas break. They tried having Chanukah at a different time of year, but it falls out around Xmas. I asked the Gabai and said we can't change Chanukah.

Announcements
The preChanukah Party will happen this Monday. We will celebrate preChanukah with Latkes and Dreidel playing. Due to the popular request of Katie, we will celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah.
 
The shul is going to be selling Chanukah candles that work. They will not break on you.
 
We ask everybody pay their dues before Chanukah so we can turn the water back on and celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah.
 
The shul Chanukah vacation this year will be the week after Chanukah. This year the vacation will be in the Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca area.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Turn Every Jewish Ritual into a Program By Not Doing it At it Right. How to make Not Oily Latkes Nobody Likes, Because There Was No Miracle of Oil Before Chanukah. Where to Vacation: A Session on Places to Go in Miami, Fort Lauderdale and Boca.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They hate Yosef. When they hate you. they hold that... They hate him because they’re not happy with themselves. Kind of like the board who hates any good idea you share with them. Like doing a Chanukah party on Chanukah... Kind of like most of our congregants who can't stand Simcha, who likes to share his dreams all the time. It can be annoying, Simcha. It's annoying hearing every detail, and then hearing, "And then I woke up." We know you woke up...

(Bereishit 37:24) The brothers take Yosef and they throw him in a pit, “and the pit is empty, there is no water.” Kind of like the Bergstein Bar Mitzvah where there was no schnapps. You asked for it, you flipped the bottle over. Tapped it. Nothing in there. And they still expected you to give the kid a gift... This is why people hate the Bergsteins... I'm not suggesting to throw Simcha in a pit.

Rashi, answering the question “why does it need to say no water when it is already empty,” tells us that there were snakes and scorpions.
There was no water. No life. When you lose the love of family, there is no life. Then there is no connection and hate, there is no life. Just snakes and scorpions, like the board...

What’s saves Yosef’s life? Connection. Their hate would’ve killed him. But they realized he has the same blood. I believe O+. (Bereishit 37:27) Yehudah says “let us sell him to the Yishmaelim, and let not our hand be on him, for he is our brother, our flesh...” You don’t kill your own flesh. You sell them as slaves...
This is why the mothers at this shul slave in the kitchen. And the fathers talk in shul...

There’s a lot of hate here... Bernie deserves it.

And now the shul is left with messed up emptiness. Emptiness and some people trying to make it bad for everybody. Snakes. Stealing the meaning from everything we do. Ruining the joy and love of Yiddishkeit...

The preChanukah party sounds like a Chanukah party. But it's not a Chanukah party... Because it's not on Chanukah. If it was on Chanukah, you would call it a Chanukah party...
I understand you want to prepare for the holiday. You do that by buying the stuff you need for Latkes, and a Dreidel... No. You’re celebrating it the day before Chanukah... What makes it more exciting?... Thank you. So. Before Chanukah, it’s a program. People don’t like tradition anymore. They don’t like Mitzvot. They like programs...

People rightfully hate the Chanukah candles... They’re not Chanukah candles if they don’t break. Those are Shabbis candles. You're using Shabbis candles on Chanukah. The shul fundraiser is to sell Shabbat candles for Chanukah...
It's like your programs. Done at the wrong time. Might as well do Sukkot Matzah. People love the Sukkot Matzah that tastes just like bread. Thursday night choolante night... I don't care if they do it in Monsey. This is Topeka. People don't even know what choolante is here. More people would come to the program if it was Thursday night overcooked stew night...
Everything you do shows no love for our tradition. A hatred for our people.

The shul water is off because of hatred. People hate paying dues. And this is why the sink has no water. It's empty...

You can’t even do a Chanukah vacation right... After Chanukah is not a Chanukah vacation. Its winter vacation... You like it more because a Chanukah vacation on Chanukah is tradition. After Chanukah it’s more of a program. More fun...
Isn't the vacation always to South Florida?... Just making sure. Then I am going to Orlando this year... Our activities committee is calling it a program.
It's not a program. People are going on vacation. If it's not organized by the shul and it's not a tradition, it's not a program...

We should all find the love back in our lives, so we can end the hate and get the water turned back on in the shul. So that we can vacation without having to see each other...

I hate your preChanukah Chanukah... It's not Chanukah. If you put a "pre" before something, it's not that. "Pre" means not the right time.
No. PreChanukah is not Chanukah. You can’t light for Chanukah preChanukah.
I know many have started eating choolante on Thursday night. It’s still not Shabbat...
I hate doing Jewish tradition done as a program. I will hold that hate.
I love this shul. So I will not destroy it. But I will do whatever I can to get rid of the programs. I will bring snakes and scorpions if I must... Serpents sounds better. Serpents are scarier. Serpents and scorpions. Even worse. I will add more people to the board...

We pray that the kids learn to like the Bergstein boy, and not blame him for his parents not having schnapps...
Maybe come to shul, not like your dad, and people will like you. They'll see you as Jewish flesh. Connected...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly connected with the Bergstein boy. He spat on his parents and sat in a different section of shul. I think the rabbi just said people who don't come to shul are not Jewish flesh. And I think the Bergstein boy does not like his family.
We can all agree that going to a Bar Mitzvah and getting nothing to drink, then having to give a gift, causes hatred.

Beautiful teachings. The board is full of snakes. Poetic. The rabbi was making a strong point saying that you sell your brothers as slaves.

The board decided to have the CHanukah Party not on Chanukah, because of Katie. Whatever Katie wants, Gd apparently does. Katie wants Purim in the fall, the shul decided to host a drinking party in October.
Our shul has decided to now only run programs. People show up for programs. On Sukkot people didn’t show for Musaf. They came for Hookah in The Sukkah. They then ran a Musaf program, where a Chazin leads in the Musaf prayer. Finally, people came for Musaf.

That was a fundraiser. To sell Shabbis candles for a lot more than they’re worth. It went great with the preChanukah program. People spend more when they get stuff they're using for the wrong reasons.
The rabbi insisted it would've been a Chanukah miracle if they were Chanukah candles that didn't break.

The shul got the water turned off. We need money. I think that is the true lesson of the Parsha. Money saves lives. It saved Yosef's life when the Yishmaelim bought him, and it allows for us to have Kiddish.

Many people were mad with the rabbi for suggestion that going to South Florida in the winter is a not a Jewish tradition.
The vacation to Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca was to Fort Lauderdale and Miami, and Boca last year too. It seems to be the same vacation every year. It's where the Jews go to get away from Jews.
They love programs. Even their vacations are now programs. It just happens to be when everybody goes to Florida. And they all go. So the shul is taking credit for the program.
The rabbi found a way to take advantage of this new program thing the board is pushing. The rabbi heads down to South Florida for a day, takes a picture with a couple members, says it a shul program, and he calls it work. No vacation days used on his vacation.

Announcements
Our guest speaker this week is Phil. He’s a member of this congregation and he will be giving the sermon about how his kids don’t call unless he's sick, to find out if he’s dying.
 
The planning meeting for how we’re going to attack the mice in the shul is this Sunday. Bella suggested weapons. We are going to stay away from military grade. Last time military weapons were used against mice, we ended up having to do a full demolition of the shul.
We are offering congregants shielding gear due to fear of little things.
 
The Simcha for the Feldblums this Shabbis gives us all hope that their son will not be like them. He should have a beautiful family with children that respect and appreciate shul.
 
Kiddish club is planning a party, where they will be drinking more. Less than at Kiddish club, as the party will not be before Musaf and the Kiddish club members don't need to drink as much when they're not Davening.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Your Children to Call Even if They Know They're in the Will Already. How to Attack a Mouse on Shabbat Without Scaring a Whole Shul. How to Show Love Not Like The Feldblums. Kiddish Club and How They Found a Way to Drink More On Work Night.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Like Yaakov, I planned for a fight against the board... No. I didn’t give them any gifts. I have no money for gifts because they haven’t given me a raise....
Yes. That’s the reason for the law of not eating the hop sinew. Yaakov injured his hip fighting with the angel (Bereishit 32:32-33)... Yaakov had sciatica. The whole back left of the men’s section has had sciatica. You want to eat it???
I injured any chances of making a decent living fighting with the board... Great speech Phil. You can sit...

(Bereishit 33:1-3) Yaakov sees Esav with four hundred men. He splits up the camp. Goes in front of them and bows to his brother seven times... I have to give the background because you all talk during the Layning... Seven was the number in those days. Bowed seven times...
(33:4) “And Esav ran to greet him and he hugged him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept....” After seeing this, Esav runs to his brother.  I don't think I even saw the Feldblum kids hug. I think they just shook hands and said, "Good to see you too."

Love is always there, somewhere, when you're not dealing with a board. You have to take the first steps. You have to bow the seven times... Without bowing. It’s Asur to prostrate to people. A bunch of Apikorsim. You bow to H'.
So Yaakov bowed to his brother... His brother wasn't an idol. And I will never bow to the board...

Rashi teaches that Esav’s compassion was aroused by the prostrations. You see. Prostrations. Now bows. His compassion was found through the prostrations. Through Yaakov's show of deference. Sometimes you need to give in a bit. Let the other know that you are there for love, and they will return that. Unless if it's Phil's kids... Or the board.

Esav had all that love inside of him. He showed it. And you can’t even greet your rabbi with a decent "Shabbat Shalom." A handshake. You shake hands like a Mensch... Your handshaking is off. It makes nobody want to hug you or kiss you. When they shake your hand, they do not want to cry. No emotion.
Now Merv. You shake Merv and Mr. Greenberg's hands, you feel emotion. You want to cry. They squeeze your hand. Like a vice. They clench your hand with the jaws of their fingers. You feel that...
You are so not giving. So unkind. Everything with you is a fight. I get sciatica just listening to the congregants. The handshakes in this shul give me sciatica...
I'm talking about love. About finding love through peace. You do that through being kind and compassionate. It might come back to you...
You don’t even welcome guests...

Beautiful speech Phil. The way you were able to give a sermon with no Torah...

You plan for kindness. If that doesn't work, you have to be ready to fight. We have been kind enough to the mice of the shul for many years. Food all over the floor. The children of our congregation have not cleaned up after themselves...
We have to plan how to attack the mice. Gifts. We tried giving them cheese and peanut butter, they ate it. They took it right out of the mousetraps. I feel like the traps are food trays for feeding mice.
Splitting up the camp, we had different traps...
We tried. It's all out war. You already won the environment discussion. We have recycling in the shul. We are going to kill the mice. Straight out war. We've got to come in strong... We did it all. We fought. We sprayed everywhere. We even used poison. Nothing has worked yet. We need to come out stronger. Hit them from all sides...
You're more scared of mice than Gd.
And now we have a secretary who adopted a mouse as a pet... I am saying we also have to show love to people, so that some people will want to join our shul...
If people come to our shul and we hug and kiss them, and cry on them. They'll feel loved and they'll want to be congregants...

Dr. and Dr. Feldblum, you prepared your son correctly. He’s learning in Yeshiva. He is kind. He’s a good athlete. He is nothing like his parents. You did a good job. But you need more love...
Your Simcha has no affect. No love. Not even a Yasherkoych when cousin Ralph came down from the Aliyah. Nobody even tried to whip candies at the Chatan. You tossed them.
No emotion involved in your family. No love. Esav has more love than your family.
If one of your family members wanted to kill another, they would do it...

R’ Hirsch teaches that Esav wept genuinely, as crying can only come from one that is moved. Even Esav had the ability for compassion. The human ability we all have when he is moved. Your grandma isn’t even crying. Not moved by her grandson getting married. The Chatan's grandma is just sitting there like her whole face is full of Botox... Well. Then that is the reason...
The only one crying is the guy that came back drunk from the Kiddish club...

What is the Kiddish Club Party? Is it just you drinking more?... It's a weeknight. You have to go to work the next morning. It's drinking more on a weeknight.
Talking about the Kiddish club because they're not here. They're still out drinking. Pregaming Musaf...
Phil. You already talked. Now you're interrupting. You already let everybody know you get no love from your family, even though they're not the Feldblums. We get it.
A true party is when there is the joining of sides. The joining of enemies in love and embrace. Reuniting... The Kiddish club has not reunited with Mickey in years. Let him back into the Kiddish club. I don’t want to see him in the shul for the sermons...
A decent handshake for crying out loud. That's a party...

Will the Chatan come up here...
To love is to want to kill... Embrace your wife, not like your family embraced you.
Kiss her. Hug her. Cry on her. If you don't cry on your spouse, is it really a relationship...

Rivka's Rundown
"To love is to want to kill" is a very strong statement. I believe the rabbi was trying to say that he doesn't love the board, so they shouldn't worry.

I agree with the rabbi that we need more emotion in the shul. More sisterhood fighting.
The rabbi truly went off on the lack of passion behind handshakes and why there is much hatred in the shul because of it. His message: If people shook hands harder, families would be together. To quote, "Families that shake together, stay together." The rabbi just makes it all so meaningful.
After the sermon everybody shook hands. It was an emotional moment for all. Women were standing up, shaking each other's hands and hugging.

The rabbi asked a congregant to speak. He didn’t want to try anymore. And then, once he heard Phil speaking, he got up, kicked Phil off and still gave his sermon. Truth is everybody loved Phil’s sermon. The no Torah added to the message truly made everybody feel more connected.
The rabbi just kicked Phil off, and took over the sermon. He heard enough about people not calling. The rabbi was worried the congregants would start to think that the rabbi would want to get phone calls from them.

The rabbi planned for the war. I had mice in my house. I used his plan and killed four mice.
People heard there was a mouse and they didn't show up to shul for a month. They figured that would be their excuse this year, as there hasn't been much snow yet.
It all started last week when Bella yelled, "Mouse!!!!" Everybody ran and there was no Minyin.
The Filermans aren't coming back. It's amazing how you can't lose the reputation of having a mouse. Every house gets mice during the fall, but when people hear about it, you're branded. Our shul has been branded and the rabbi is happy.

I was for the friendliness and the new hello thing, until Merv kissed me, cried on me, and the chuched his phlegm all over me. I think we need younger men, who won't hock a loogie on the guests, welcoming people.

The Feldblums took such Nachis knowing their son is not like them and won’t eat in their home.
I don't know if they love each other. I don't even think there was one real smile the whole Simcha. After the Chupah, the dad shook his son's hand. The rabbi noted, "At least it was a solid handshake. It's a start."
The family might be mad that another member, this new wife, is joining the family, and she might also have a claim on the inheritance. I even think that when the dad shook his son's hand, he said, "Prenup." That was his Mazel Tov.

The rabbi kept on saying "The Chatan." He forgot his name. Not as bad as the time he forgot the name of the deceased at their funeral and he was calling her Mrs. Wichita.
The family at the funeral was fine, until one of the members said she lost the pageant.

The Kiddish club parties have less drinking going on than at the Kiddish club. Usually the parties aren't happening during Davening. As the rabbi noted, "There's no real reason to drink if you're not praying to Gd."

Announcements
Our guest speaker, Max Filmore, will talk about investing money and saving. The last speaker spoke about giving Tzedakah. He was shunned. We shall never again bring a speaker who suggests people should give more to charity. Unpopular. We ask your forgiveness.

Shoshana Chana is starting a Bikur Cholim Committee. Nobody is showing up. If anybody has a heart, please show up. We also ask the Markowitz family visit their parents. Shoshana Chana is not their daughter.

The Shul will be honoring Simcha next month at the annual dinner for his accomplishment of being popular and knowing people. 

We ask people stop speaking Lashon Hara about Sue and Mark. They’re annoying. Very annoying. Show up to shul late all the time.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose Congregants by Asking them to do Mitzvot. How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care For Your Parents. How to Choose An Honoree Who Has Accomplished Nothing with Our Board. Lashon Hara and How it Enhances Our Lives at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Yaakov left Israel, because his brother was going to kill him. I was going to leave this shul, because I wanted to kill you...

Rachel had no children. An example to our congregation. One of our Imahot, and she never bothered other people in shul with a baby carriage sitting in the hallway. She never had her kids running around the shul, screaming, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t give me a Sunkist fruit gem..." The kids here are crazy...
Rachel wants children. And not to steal all the cookies at Kiddish... Maybe she would like little league baseball. True mothers like the little league experience... Mrs. Shwarztein. You have never brought anything other than oranges on your snack day. This is why the kids don't like you. You can't play baseball after peeling an orange. The kids end up with sticky gloves...

(Bereishit 30:1-2) “She said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children, and if not I am dead.’” No woman values her husband that much. We know this. We can see this with the Felstein family, where Dr. Felstein’s wife always tells him, “You should die.” A regular Kiddish conversation when she doesn’t get herring. “If I don’t get herring, you are dead.” A little different than Rachel, who wanted a child... Some women want herring. That is fine, Bernie. To each their own.
A lot of death in this week’s Parsha. Not enough in our shul. There hasn't been a funeral in a month, and I'm going broke... Mrs. Felstein, do what you must.

Rashi quotes the Midrash and says that she asked Yaakov to pray for her. Yaakov got mad. That's usually my immediate response when people ask me to do a Mishebeyrach. "Why don't you do it?!"
Yaakov got mad at Rachel and retorts, “Am I instead of Gd that has withheld from you fruit of the womb?!”... Not Fruit of the Loom. They didn't have the cotton gin back then. It was much more uncomfortable. And you complain about boxer briefs... I know they fall on the leg. Very not comfortable. Somebody should talk to Fruit of the Loom. But Rachel is dealing with fruit of the womb. And I am sure Yaakov would've written a complaint to Fruit of the Loom...

Why was he mad? Because he didn’t do anything wrong here. Her father wronged her and stole from her. She was blindsided by everybody...
But she is asking him to pray. Sometimes, when you’re alone, and nobody is there to grieve with you, you feel dead. You have no kids for all that time that Yaakov is hanging out with Leah... I understand the husbands in this shul are off playing softball all the time. The only shul that plays softball in the winter. That's how out of shape you guys are. You can't play anything other than softball...
The reason nobody asks the congregants to pray. Your prayers are off. I believe Ethel got sicker because of your Mishebeyrachs...

Yaakov getting mad doesn’t help Rachel feel alive. She needed him to pray. To understand her and be there with her in her grief. To feel so badly that he would entreat H’.
Sometimes you need somebody to be there with you. To understand your grief. If people would just listen to my sermons...
So she gives Bilha. That’s a great way to have kids. It's like one of your pyramid schemes, Shlomo...

Are you going to join us when we need you?! To not think of us. But to care enough to pray for us, and put aside... When I asked the shul to pray for a new addition to the building...
We figure that the shul won’t get any money from the congregants anyways. Why talk about Tzedakah... We want to show people are coming to shul programming, so we are going to teach people how not to tithe, unless if they are getting a huge tax break...

Are you there with the people who are sick. Or do you get mad that they didn’t leave you enough money in the will...
Shoshi Chana is there. She understands when people need a prayer. She doesn't show up and get mad at them. She doesn't start yelling at them, "I am not Gd. Feel better yourself." She doesn't yell, "You're the fool who raised Mr. Markowitz Esq..."
It’s Bikur Cholim. It’s a Mitzvah. Nobody is going to show.

Shoshi Chana is considered not popular because she cares and wants to give... I understand that Shoshana Chana is a bit too much of a name. But she is doing something beautiful... Visiting the sick is beautiful.
Beauty and kindness are not liked by our membership, unless if there's an inheritance...
I get you're a lawyer, Mr. Markowitz and you don't need the money. But just because you have a job does not mean you throw your parents in a nursing home and don't visit... I understand the aides are close with them and have built up a relationship cleaning them up after they go to the bathroom... The problem is you are a bad child. You're a curse to your family...
You blamed Shoshi Chana for not being there for your mom. For your mom not being bathed correctly the other day, and the fact that nobody went to visit her on Wednesday or Thursday. Why are you blaming Shoshana for being kind...
Why are you blaming her for not cleaning your parents. It's not her job.
She's your mom. You visit... This is why your mom feels dead. You give her nothing, other than a paper to sign for you to take money from her account every once in a while...

It's death. It's death when people don't care about you. When you have a son like Mark Markowitz...
And Lashon Hara. All our membership does is kill people’s reputation. If you care about somebody, you don't gossip about them. You tell them how much you can't stand them. And I love this congregation... What did she do to you Simcha? She didn’t agree with you? Makes her bad?...
Why are you siding with Simcha? He’s obnoxious.
That's why we’re honoring him at the shul dinner. We’ve learned that our congregants give money for jerks... It makes them more popular.

What has Simcha done to get honored? He talks and leaves shul to drink. He drinks a lot of alcohol in shul, around kids. That's why we're honoring him... He's the only member who finds it necessary to pray under the influence of schnapps. That's why you like him...

Do you care enough. Do you know enough to actually pray for Ethel?
Or do you just want to give money to the annoying people who rub their money in your face?

Rashi teaches the Bereishit Rabbah that Yaakov is mad because he’s saying he’s not Rachel’s father. He wouldn’t hold back anything from her. He takes the issue as his. Rightfully, he dealt with so much lying, as Rachel did, from her father... That's not what Rachel needed. Rachel needed congregants that are not Simcha or Mark Markowitz. She needed Shoshi Chana... And you blame her for that.

Are you going to keep bringing your issues into the shul. Or will you let us grow. Will you finally pay Shoshi Chana to be a daughter, so that she can get some of the inheritance... When will Mrs. Felstein find joy?!

And you should tithe. Some people need you to listen to them, and then they need Tzedakah too... Sorry for bringing up the "T" word...

Rivka's Rundown
The true issue of the shul seemed to have been boxer briefs. Only our rabbi can bring that into a sermon, finding the spirituality in undergarments.

It would appear the rabbi was insinuating that Mrs. Felstein should kill her husband. People at Kiddish would appreciate the extra herring. That guy never shares. By the time I get to Kiddish, crackers and herring are gone.

The rabbi was saying that the grief is his congregation. Like Rachel wanted children, the rabbi doesn't want congregants.

Giving Tzedakah and tithing was not met with popular acceptance. Some said that we should get rid of a rabbi who feels Tzedakah is a good idea. Mentioning Shoshana Chana had a good idea with visiting the sick and being kind to people almost got him fired.
The board met to find out if there is an out clause for a rabbi who speaks of such stupidity.

It turns out, nobody in our shul has a heart. The most they did when they heard Thelma was in the emergency room by herself was say, "That's a shame." They felt by saying that, they're good Jews.
Shoshana Chana truly lost friends when she thought it a good idea to visit people in nursing homes. Nobody wants to talk to her now. They say she’s only doing it because she can’t find a job. By the way, Shoshi is successful and works full-time. Markowitz runs a firm. I believe he vacations full time.

The Markowitz family stopped coming to shul. They were offended the rabbi suggested it's on them to visit their mom and grandma every once in a while. To quote Mark, "I have a job."
The Markowitz family is there for their clients. They were very mad at the rabbi for saying they're not there. They made it clear at Kiddish, "We have been there for our clients whenever they need us. When they're sick or in a nursing home, we're there for our clients. If anybody needs good representation, here is my card."
It turns out that jobs exempt people from Mitzvot. Business seems to also not require one to wear a Yarmulke.

They speak Lashon Hara like it’s a Mitzvah. That's the one Mitzvah they can do at work.
The Lashon Hara class drew a lot more members to our congregation. They figured, "If this is a congregation that knows how to speak Lashon Hara, I want to be here."

It seems like being a jerk is praised in our community. You can’t do anything kind. If you're a jerk, they honor you. If you ask me, Simcha is a loser. He can't even hit a softball. He shows up to those games too drunk to hit the thing.

Everybody appreciated the How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care for Your Parents Class. The questions in the class had everybody focusing on how they don't have to visit, and how to get Shoshi Chana to care for their parents. They found it to be more financially helpful than Max Filmore's speech.

Announcements
We want to apologize for not enough eggs salad and tuna salad at Kiddish. We understand they’re an important staple in our shul and for the Jewish community at large. We know that nobody came to shul the week after the last egg salad two servings for the whole community fiasco. No good Jew has a meal at shul without egg salad. And that includes Shalishudis.
It is under investigation. We don't know who the fool is that thought deviled eggs was a good idea. We apologize for that faux-pa. We are kicking them off the Kiddish crew.
Again. We are deeply sorry for the lack of egg salad. We don't have anybody who can Layn the Parsha this week. If you know how to read the Torah portion, please let us know.

We are going to make a shul family tree. We want to honor the shul with it, so please leave out anybody from the Pintzkowitz Mishpuchi. Also leave out anyone related to any man that Davens in the back left of the shul. The rabbi made it clear that he wants to forget them.

Michelle and Mike purchased an apartment in Israel. We want to wish them a Mazel Tov on their view. We hope to not see them in shul anymore.

Contemporary Halacha classes are also classes about Halacha. Halacha hasn't changed. The laws have remained the same, even if you drive to shul on Shabbis. You are still sinning.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Importance of Egg Salad in Shul and Hiding the Taste of Simi’s Choolent Which Nobody Likes. Laws of Israel and How a View Can Be So Beautiful and An Apartment So Ugly. Why You Don’t Have a Family Tree And Why Your Family Doesn't Visit You. What is Contemporary Halacha and Why You Haven't Shown Up To Contemporary Halacha Classes Yet.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
And they quarreled over wells. A lot of well quarreling... Well. They quarreled.
How did it start? It didn’t start because Rebecca pulled Sarah Freida’s hair. We will ask the youth director to do something about that... She has done nothing since taking over the job... Well stop the fighting at least. Aren't groups supposed to be going on now? Why you’re in for the sermon is an anomaly. You’re the youth director... Rebecca is not an anti-Semite, even though Sarah Freida sounds more religious. Sarah Freida a more religious name. The double name makes her more religious. The more names...

How did it start? (Bereishit 26:13-14) Yitzchak moves back to the Gerar Philistines area and he became great. “until he was very great.” Not like our Gabai who has just put on a lot of weight. “And there was to him flocks and herds, and a lot of business, and the Philistines became jealous.”
Jealousy. Jealous of someone else's success. Where all problems start... Jealousy is forbidden, Bernie. Even if you don't like the rabbi.

(Bereishit 26:15) So, they stopped up the wells dug by Avraham's servants. Kind of like the time they took away my parking spot, and then put cones there saying, “It’s dangerous to park here.”

This is what jealousy does. It destroys. It ruins even stuff that's good for you. In our shul, it leads to bigger hats in the women’s section... Are you trying to protect your kids from the snow with that thing? I think it’s forbidden to wear that thing on Shabbis. It's a tent.

The Philistines stopped up Avraham’s wells. They even violated Avimelech’s covenant (Rashi). Due to this jealousy, they lost a sense of their values. Kind of like when we left Gaza and they decided to destroy the green houses. Are you idiots?! It is just like when I left the shul for a Shabbis and the Gabai gave the sermon. Just like the Chazin when he sings. You all ruin everything. You destroy the enjoyment of shul...
You wanted it, and now you don’t have it, because you destroyed it. Real smart.

They couldn’t take the wells going back to Yitzchak. The rightful heir to the wells

When there is jealousy you violate tradition. You violate values. You violate agreements. And then you have a board that can't give a rabbi a raise.

Halacha doesn’t change with jealousy or wealth... But we will take your donations...
It’s Halacha. Why does it have to change because we have Bernie in the shul?!
I feel like the laws change when it comes to Shaindel’s new hats store... Shaindel’s Heimish Hats will not sell in Topeka. The hats wouldn't sell in New York. Heimish does not go with style. "Oy! What a Gevalt Fedora. It's Mamish Heimish." Nobody is paying for that, unless if it's a side dish. "Oy! What a Gevalt tuna salad. It's Mamish Heimish." I'm paying ninety dollars for that deluxe Mamish tuna.
Just call it Shaindel's huge hats... You can't sell them in shul. We had an agreement that people would not block other people's views of me with their hats...

Ancestry is important. Offspring? We can see in our congregation that it’s not always a blessing.
Have you seen junior congregation?!
And that is what quarreling and jealousy looks like... I told our youth director to call every one of them up to the Torah when they do the fake Layning at junior congregation. If not, there will be fights... Well, they learn from their parents. Jealousy over Aliyahs. And now we have to buy a new Torah. 45K in the hole, because jealousy caused Torah rippage... Max. You attacked the Gabai and knocked over the Bar Mitzvah boy's cousin, who was doing Galilah...

It is this jealousy that causes things to get ruined. Like Kiddish this week, where there's no egg salad.
Without egg salad you don’t have Kiddish. You can call it "a depressing post service non-Heimish conversation with Bernie and Ethel." Not Kiddish...
Egg salad is the condiment and main of choice at Kiddish... Your choolent is disgusting without egg salad...
Deviled eggs?! No. Deviled eggs are not egg salad. They're the devil's eggs because they keep people from coming to shul...

And now Michelle and Mike are talking about their view in Israel. Trying to make people jealous... Always a view. In Israel, you’re always showing off your view. Because the inside of the house is disgusting. "Look at my view. From my house, you can look out and see something really nice."
The Philistines would've blocked the view...

When you don't have appreciation, you do stupid stuff, like stopping up wells and overflowing the toilets... It was clogged already, Bernie.
Like Rav Dessler teaches, you can't have jealousy and takers, and then appreciation. They can't coexist. And this is how you end up with no egg salad.

Like the Philistines. Jealousy affects our heritage. It destroys people. And then you end up with the president of our board.
It ends up being a Kiddish with no egg salad. And Rebecca hitting people for Oreos. Pulling out hair...

And that is Halacha.

Rivka's Rundown
Exactly. A Kiddish with no egg salad. Says it all. Not much more to say.

The rabbi made it clear that the Philistines are not Palestinians. Though Abbas said they are also descendants of Arafat.

Very true. The more names you have makes you more religious. That includes parents' names with a Ben or Bat before them. If your name is Rebecca, you better have a mother with at least four names to get a good Frum Shidduch out of high school. Rebecca Bat Freida Blima Shaindel Bracha.

Nobody showed up to the Why You Haven't Shown Up to Contemporary Halcha Class Yet Halacha class. I am guessing they didn't know why they didn't show up to that class either.

Little Rebecca is crazy. She hates all Jews. At least it looks like that at junior congregation.
The rabbi is correct. The youth should not be in for the sermon. There are enough grownups there that can’t pay attention for the forty minute sermons.
The rabbi was saying the youth should be at youth groups. Makes sense. They're youth groups. Though, I have a feeling our new youth director took them into the sermon for safety. She figured Rebecca wouldn't pull hair in front of the Aron Kodesh. But she was wrong. Rebecca pulled out a chunk of Sarah Freida's head.
After the rabbi said, "And that's Halacha," eight men jumped on Rebecca, to keep her from attacking anybody else, and to stop the possible idol worship ritual.

Since when did big hats become something people get jealous of?
I’m 100% with the rabbi. Yiddish does not match style. You can’t be posh and speak Yiddish. No French designer is out there selling Heimish clothes. You sell Heimish food. And that means egg salad. Heimish egg salad.
Sheindel is also not a designer name for anybody not selling nightgowns and Tichels.

Nothing was mentioned about Thanksgiving in the rabbi's sermon. I think he was extremely not happy to see all of the families visiting. Anything he was thankful for was overshadowed by the congregation.
Most rabbis say, "It's great to see the children and the grandchildren." Our rabbi just gave a look of unhappiness and talked about stopping up wells.

The rabbi considers congregants to be offspring. Therefore, offspring is not good.
Offspring of who? Probably bad people.
The Message as I Understood It: Ancestors are good. Grandparents messed up. So grandparents are bad. Grandparents are not ancestors. Ancestors are at least three generation ago, according to our rabbi.

The shul family tree did not work out. It turns out that even though the Chachkin cousins married each other, the rest of the shul is not family. It also turns out people don't even know their parent's names for Yarhzeits. Calling up Aliyahs to the Torah sometimes takes fifteen minutes before somebody remembers the guy's father's name. Last week we had to help Steve. It took forty minutes before anybody could figure out the name of the guy who owned the corner store. That was Steve's dad. By the time they found out his name most of the congregants thought the sermon was over.

That was a tricky move in the announcements. There was no egg salad. That was going to keep people from coming to shul, until they found out that there was no one to read the Torah and they could get out early, due to the lack of our membership's commitment to Mitzvahs.

What kind of fools don’t put out egg salad at Kiddish?! One woman said, "Chumus is good too." Yes. If you’re having falafel. Which they serve anytime we have something going on that has anything to do with Israel. They had falafel on Israeli pizza night.
I agree with the rabbi and the board that deviled eggs are not enjoyable. Paprika has to be mixed in for eggs to taste good. With all that paprika on top, it's too dusty.
I feel bad for Maxine. Maxine made deviled eggs because Cheryl was saying, "No more egg salad." She thought she was doing the next best thing.
Now she's going to have to do her cooking at home, and that costs more money.

Purchasing a view is not a good idea on the money front. You get there and you start to think you should've bought your neighbor's house. The good one. “Look outside my house. Now that is nice. My neighbors. Now, that's a nice house.”

Announcements
The shul Turkey Bowl will be next Shabbis. We ask you celebrate Thanksgiving with nonviolence, even though there’ll be food. It’s been violent in years past, due to only offering two turkeys. This year there’ll be four turkeys so that nobody runs over Fran or Ethel.

We ask everybody be nice to the losers in our shul. They’re lonely. They all sit together. The eighteen of them crowd around their table. Sitting there talking with each other and lonely.

We welcome the Bar Mitzvah kid’s family. Though you are guests and we're happy to have you, we will not feed you or your animals. It’s getting too expensive. Ask your brother-in-law to put out some money for once. The guy hasn’t sponsored a Kiddish.

We want to apologize for any Shidduch ideas given to you by Chaya Tova. We know they are bad.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Attacking a Turkey Violently with Mendel Baruch. How to Be a Loser like our Members. Bad Shidduch Ideas with Chaya Tova.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
She lived one life... I know it says Chayei... Maybe it should've said "Chay Sarah." But it didn't. And you would've asked if she is still living...
Eliezer is sent to find a wife for Yitzchak. Avraham doesn’t trust any Shadchan. Avraham would’ve never sent Chaya Tova out there. She’s a Yenta and she has the worst ides for Shidduchs. Which is why Noach is still single...

(Bereishit 24:14) In his prayer to Gd to help him find a wife real quickly for Yitzchak, Eliezer says, “And the girl that I tell, ‘Please give me your pitcher and I will drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink and I will also give your camels water,' she is proven for your servant Yitzchak. And by her, I will know that you did kindness (Chesed) with my master.”
He based the proper wife on Midot. Positive attributes in actions. He could've said, "If she says, 'No. You get the water,' I will know that she is a daughter of Howard Felsenberg...
Eliezer didn’t want to work hard. That’s why it’s a great act of Chesed. He wanted it done quickly. First girl that says I’ll help. 
Right when I got to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I knew nobody would help with a Minyin. I realized that right away. It was a Chesed from H' that I knew to never expect anything from our congregants...

It is a Chesed to find somebody a wife that is good for them. Not somebody Chaya Tova suggests... I know this, because the Shidduchs that Chaya Tova does are not Chesed. Worst ideas... Good and decent people Chaya Tova. Not people who are desperate and not good looking...
It was kindness. Something the Shadchans in our community don’t do. Simcha and Noach have never said, “Thank you Faigel for setting us up with the girl nobody likes.”

Rashi teaches that “she will be proven (shown)” means that she is “one who does acts of kindness, and she is worthy to enter into the house of Avraham.” People who don’t do kindness are not welcome. Which is why I always say the board members and the president are not welcome in our shul... I know they claim that they run it...
What makes somebody fit to be part of Avraham’s family? Giving. Kindness. And Kindness to animals.
To be fit for our shul, you have to want to eat as much as you can at Kiddish, and to ensure that others will not get Kugel. You take and make sure you have. Then you don’t offer others.
Girls are not like this nowadays... Nowadays, you have to draw the water and cook for yourself. Not fit for Avraham’s family...
​
You offer food. Even to Bar Mitzvah kids’ families. Have you seen how bad the catering is?! They invite them for the weekend, to a Simcha, and don't feed them. They ask you to the host their family and then you have to feed their family...
Bad catering would not have been in Avraham’s family. They served tongue.
Eliezer made sure they had good food...
They’re guests in our shul. You let them get to the Kiddish first... Animal food is crazy expensive. That's why we don't serve it at Kiddish. We would have dogs elbowing each other to get to the treats.

Kindness of H', kindness of Eliezer, kindness of Rivka. That is what makes for good family and guests that we don't have to take care of... They're your guests Baruch... Then drop off food baskets before the event...

The Tukey Bowl is not a physical activity. Our congregants would not participate in anything that might be deemed healthy. It’s a big bowl a turkey cooked in for Shabbat Kiddish. If you eat free food, you’re worthy to enter into our community.
Rivka was a giver. She would've let other people take turkey first. She would've served them... She wasn't cheap. She couldn’t give Coke. They didn’t have Coca-Cola three thousand years ago.
Rivka would've shared the turkey...

It’s hard to tell who the losers are. But they’re part of the community. They are still nice. They are losers and nice... That one is smug. A smug loser. You don’t have to be nice to her. Mocking everybody with her loserness...
I understand they have more friends than you, Shlomo. You're not a loser. You just have no personality...

Pets are not allowed at Kiddish anymore... I don’’t think Eliezer was praying for a girl that would bring her cat to Kiddish.
It’s about being a giver. That’s what Avraham’s family represented. Thinking about others. Not like the board...

Work on better Shidduch ideas. When setting up somebody you care about, think “who would not fit into our congregation.” That is a good a person that a family would want...

(Bereishit 24:22) Of course he gave her a gold nose ring. What girl would want to marry a guy without money and nose rings?!... Nobody in our congregation gives anything. Not even their dues...

Rivka's Rundown
​The girls in our community are not happy with the guy options either. The worst Shidduch ideas. Never trust Chaya Tova. One time she set up Noach. Killed her reputation with the girls.

Many congregants said that Rivka only gave water because it was free. At least she shared it.
The people in our shul like to take stuff. They never give. I’ve never been offered even water. I fainted once and somebody else took the water.
Only time they gave money was at the raffle. They were hoping to take the prize.

The rabbi went off on women not helping around the house... He seems to be very against the feminist movement

It's a Chutzpah. They invite their family for the Shabbis of the Bar Mitzvah, to my house.
It's a bit crazy when they’re hosting the Bar Mitzvah and half of their cousins are staying at my house. And I have to feed them.
The Fleishmann family truly expects me to be righteous. They figure that as long as there are righteous people in the community, they don't have to do anything.

The Turkey Bowl brings people to shul, to eat. Like every Shabbis. Free food. The one thing I don't understand is that the turkey bowl is a plain pot.

The losers have more friends than me. The Dungeons and Dragons players are the cool people. The losers are hanging out with people, partying. Having conversation. The losers are the cool guys.
Nasty losers who rag on everybody. how does that work? Maybe it's because they have the friends to back them. 
I feel like the non-losers need friends. They're sitting there, looking all hip, with a guy that comes for a "what's up" every five minutes. Then they're stuck standing there with a hand in the pocket and one holding a drink, staring out to nowhere, like a JC Penney ad.

Announcements
Mazel Tov to the Kornbluth family on the worst Bris. No onions were provided. Nobody enjoyed the bagels. From now on, anybody who hosts a Simcha with bagels must provide onions. The rabbi had to take the Mohel back to his place to cut up some onions. Mohels should not be cutting onions... Tomatoes are optional. Lox may be served without tomatoes.

We are very proud of our shul programming. We have another speaker coming next week. We ask that people stop trying to be creative and we stick to speakers. There’s no reason for a games night if you don’t have a speaker at it. Our programming focus is speakers.

Bingo lost money again. We’re the only shul who loses money at Bingo. We ask the volunteers sell the snacks, and not eat them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Not Bless Your Son by Not Providing Onions for the Lox. How to Ruin a Program with a Speech. How to Make Money off Bingo and Not Report it Like The Pintzkowitzs.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The angels come to destroy Sedom and the Sedomites want to "know them"... This is why I was very skeptical when Merv and Ethel invited us over for dinner when I first started as rabbi...
We’ve all been there. Lot offers his daughters. That’s how messed up Lot's family was. Imagine the Hershblooms. They were even worse than the Hershblooms...

(Bereishit 19:13) The angels tell Lot to get out of Sedom with his family. ‘For we are destroying this place, for their outcry (their screams) have become great before H’...’ What is the outcry? They were out of control. Were they loving it? Were they not? It’s hard to tell the difference between partying and crying when it’s immoral. When you have a shul that has no idea how to run a Bingo night...

When you hear screaming coming from junior congregation, you have no idea what it means. Is it that they're playing paper football, or is Shayna's hair getting pulled out again... Your son is an animal, Baruch. I don't know what you do at home, but I am sure stuff is getting destroyed.

His son-in-law mocks it. (Bereishit 19:14) ‘He was like a a guy making jokes in the eyes of his son-in-law.’ No. I’m not making jokes now, Bernie.
His son-in-law influenced by Sedeom. He couldn’t see the evil. Kind of like the same way the congregants are influenced by the board... They have no idea what Torah is. Ethel. They think it's a corporation...

There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox.
You don't serve lox without onions. Who eats lox without onions?... Of course you need cream cheese and lox. But it means nothing without onions.
And no eggs???
It was a bagel nightmare... And what do tomatoes do? Exactly. Nothing. Onions. Always have onions... Not whole onions. You don’t put a whole onion on a bagel. Got to cut them...

When you’re around poor Kiddishes and a town that doesn’t have a decent caterer, you forget. You think that is normal. You want to scream at the immorality...
Now you’re bringing up cream cheese again??? Is that even a question. What? Are you going to put butter on the bagel with lox?!

The board decided on speakers. They’ve decided that people like to listen to people speak... Excuse me Bernie. I’m speaking right now...
You have no idea what Victor from Israel talked about. He was a speaker. He didn't talk... The whole time Victor was focused on the meet and greet and how there were bagels and lox, but no onions.
It’s like you want to scream. You want to scream when you don’t get onions.  When you have to listen to another speaker, you want to scream. You want to scream when you’re the only shul that can’t make profit on Bingo....

Who loses money at Bingo... Then stop eating the snacks. Sell them.
I don't know if people are screaming because they won, or because they lost 12 thousand dollars. And now they can't pay their mortgage... I don't know why people in shul can't pay their dues. Are you guys going to church Bingo?...
It's all immoral.

We can’t let this be the shul normal. There is a huge outcry and we don’t even hear it, because the Chazin is so loud...

The angels tell Lot to leave. Lot doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go too far. (Bereishit 19:18-20) He wants to go to a lesser bad Sedom city.
When you’re in a bad place, you want to stay. You don’t realize it. When you're at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, you want to scream. The membership. The board. The Chazin...

Pirkei Avot (1:17) 'Distance yourself from a bad neighbor. And don't become friends with an evil person.' Which is why I am not friends with my congregants.
We learn to find a moral place and be there. Find your morality and keep it... I'm here to teach. It's a mission. I'm trying to help you get out...

It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to see the bad. You hear the screams and you think it's only kids gouging out eyes. We know junior congregation is scary and no parent wants to be there. Kids yelling.
There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. But you still go to the Bris, because you don't know any better. It becomes normal. The yelling. The madness. The anger over having lox with tomatoes and no onions just, you accept your fate...

This place is out of control. We must have control to keep the morality. To keep bringing in speakers. To have a well-run Bingo night. To ensure there are onions for the lox.
Keep your moral integrity and decent bagels.

Baruch's son has destroyed the building again. He's yelling and out of control. And now all the little girls and boys are crying...
Whether if it's for extreme pleasure or for extreme pain, either way, screaming is a concern.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was telling the shul that they had bagels with no lox and no onions in Sedom. That is where all went wrong. He equated having no onions with the need for destruction of a people.

The rabbi literally yelled the whole sermon to get across his point that you can't sleep during his sermons.The board has been bad for so long, they are messed up. The rabbi was saying to destroy them.

What's a scream? That's a great question. And I appreciate the rabbi dealing with it very loudly.
When Bernie yells out during the rabbi's sermon, we know what that is. That's disruption.

I believe the rabbi said junior congregation is a bigger curse than the board. He did say that at least they're not in shul itself. To quote, 'Keep kids out of shul. I am already dealing with Bernie.'

Finally, the rabbi approached the onion issue.
I just left the Kornbluth Bris. I saw there were no onions. I went home and had cereal. It was very disappointing. After all of those Brachas for the newborn child and the cutting, to have no onions and no eggs. A shanda.

Everything is a speaker. You can’t have a program without a speaker. That’s the big thing. A speaker and 5k. You get a speaker, you pay a lot and it’s a shul program. It allows people to say they went to a speaker. They never have anything to say about the speaker, because they fell asleep. People will pay a lot for a good nap, if the person is famous.
The rabbi started handing out tests after the speakers. He even kicked out a member who scored a 30 on the test. It was my friend Malkie. She didn’t even know the guy was talking about medical ethics. She fell asleep as soon as he started talking about comas.

I think I'm going to change my profession to a speaker. I can talk about how the rabbi is right. I'm sure the rabbi will dip into his discretionary fund for me.
Most of the people in our shul are talkers. Nobody likes talkers. They like speakers.

Bingo has been pathetic. I think it’s the volunteering. Our membership hears that word and they run.

Announcements
Hoarding in our community must stop. All of your stuff ends up at the shul. The fire department stopped by and blamed the rabbi for being a hoarder, because the Horvitz family dropped off a truckload of clothes. The shul is not Goodwill.

We ask you pay your dues with money you have. Bounced checks don’t count as payment. Trying is not appreciated. We understand it’s school tax season. We ask you pay dues as another tax write-off. If it's a tax write-off some of you might pay it.

Bingo volunteers should not be playing Bingo. It looks rigged when the ones calling are winning. We are losing customers, due to seeing the ushers hand winnings to themselves. If you’re winning and you’re the one bringing the cards to the game, it comes off wrong.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Care About People so Your Shul Doesn’t Turn into a Goodwill, Chas vShalom. How to Get Written Off By the Shul by Not Paying Your Dues. How to Make it Look Like the Bingo Game is Rigged, with Bracha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 13:5-8) The land couldn’t support the flocks and cattle of both Avraham and Lot. ‘And the land couldn’t support their living together, for their possessions were much and they couldn’t dwell together.’ Sounds like Jim and Bracha. Their marriage... You guys are hoarders.
When you can’t live with somebody else’s wealth, you can’t live with them, and this congregation has absolutely no money. At least the congregants give nothing to Tzedakah. I think we’re only together because nobody gives anything to the shul. The community bonds by not donating anything useful to the shul. By not helping... Ever seen the sisterhood?! Helping leads to fights.

And there was a fight between their herdsmen.
What are you going to fight over? Who was less helpful to the congregation.

Success did not allow for them to live in peace. Success separates families. Wealth pulls families apart. It definitely hasn’t stopped people from coming to shul, who don’t pay dues. It doesn’t stop them from coming to shul and not sponsoring Kiddish.

Did you ever notice how annoying rich people are?!... Poor people are annoying too. We have a lot of them in our shul.

So they separate. All should be good. Lot chooses the planes of the Yarden. Beautiful land. But again, great land means nothing without the right people. Lot encamped all the way down in Sedom. (13:13) ‘Now the people of Sedom were wicked and sinners before H’, exceedingly.’ And we know what happens there. Kind of like the board that ruined a great Bingo night. Could’ve been a great thing for our shul, like Beit Knessed Ashirut vSimcha. They run a great Bingo night, because Samantha is not running their board...

Again, Lot ends up not doing well...
Choosing based on money and living for financial success just leads to strife and bad relationships. Bad relationships with a yacht.

Would we rather have wealthy or poor congregants? Good question. Let’s start with congregants. Those are annoying. I'm thinking of giving them a choice to go to East Topeka. I'll go west...
You give the worst donations. Instead of giving of your wealth to charity, you dump stuff on the shul... Your old set of Monopoly is not a donation... It's missing the railroad cards and the thimble piece. Everybody wants to be the thimble... Your set of Monopoly will ruin junior congregation. And those kids don't give money either...
Throw it out. Why is it that the shul is your warehouse? We understand you collect doll heads. Those scare kids. And I can't stand junior congregation too.

If it’s valuable, why are you dropping it off at shul? You’ve never given anything valuable to this congregation... Your Davening is not appreciated. No value. That is not a donation...

Your check bounced... Your note that the shul should cover school taxes. Why are we to pay for school taxes?...

It’s not all about money. It’s about what you do with money, your relationships... I don’t like people either... I am sorry if you don’t have enough money to pay school taxes. Maybe this shul isn’t for you. Shul taxes.
We're going to start charging shul taxes.

We must support the shul. Not to fight over the shul having money... We don't have money. You don't pay your dues. All we have is Bingo...
It’s not gambling. It’s Bingo.
There aren't enough people supporting the gambling in our shul. Other shuls are drawing so many more people to Bingo because they have good callers. You're bringing up stories of your ancestors in Odessa. It's 'O-63.' Just say 'O-63.' You don't have to go, 'O, as in Odessa. Where I come from. My family immigrated...'
We’ll never be successful if the volunteers are winning. You called the game and said, ‘The winner is me.’
Bracha. You took the money out of your hand, showed it to everybody. Then, put it in your pocket... They all knew about you winning. You waved the money and smiled and did a leg kick on your jump... You even started singing, 'I'm in the money... I've got a lot of cash to help me get along.' And the Bingo players were asking how you won without a card...
We would be more successful if one of the card sellers went to one side and the other went the other way. Sometimes, separating does do good for a community... The problem is this community is like Sedom and Amorah. They also never donated to shul.

If we just had the issues of boundaries with money... Our issues of boundaries are our congregants over-bothering the rabbi.

Sometimes in life you go to your destiny. Other times in life you get away from wealthy people. And other times in life, you have to deal with congregants that offer nothing to the shul. Congregants that are so against money that they won’t pay their dues or help at Bingo... I feel like H’ is telling me that there is a whole land of amazing congregations and I should go and choose one...

May we be Zoyche to more fights and congregants that are useful.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi made a great argument for focusing on wealth to keep people away. To quote Zahava, ‘If my wealth keeps people away, and I don’t have to talk to them at Kiddish, because I have money, I’m happy.’ Zahava isn’t wealthy, but she has learned to keep people away while she’s eating kugel.
She has even found a way to get out of showing up to family events, like Lot, by sending big gifts.
I think the rabbi just said everybody is annoying. That was his message.

You want to pull a family apart, leave your kids money. Save up money and don't write a will, and your kids will hate each other. Again, separating family. It separated mine. And now, I don't get invited to half the Simchas. I save on gifts. Being poor doesn't hurt, as long as somebody wealthy separates you.

The rabbi made it very clear. He only wants congregants with money. But they shouldn’t focus on money. They should give it to the shul.

The shul is not Goodwill. It turns out, the shul doesn't care about people, especially those in need. If somebody is in need and can pay full membership, they might care.
The fact that there was a 'Chas vShalom' added to the rabbi's class about giving to people, a strong 'Gd forbid,' expresses the importance of community and keeping people out.
People still drop off their junk at shul. They say it’s not junk. But when they drop it off, we know it is. We've even had people come to pick up a 1960s Barbie they dropped off by accident. They felt bad the shul might make money off it.

They drop it off and say it’s something the shul can use. Who makes that decision over a bike tire that went flat?! We need another committee for taking people’s junk.
The fact that Simmie thought his Davening was him giving to the shul is the real issue. If you wonder why people can't stand Simmie, it has nothing to do with his wealth.

The shul is to blame for school taxes. Why? Because they ask for dues at the same time the town is collecting school taxes.
School, Shul, they sound the same. Not a shocker. They all want our money.
The key is tax write-offs. People need to hear that. They feel like they save money when they hear write-off. Anything with write-off makes them happy. Ethel Berman wrote-off her brother. Now they don't talk, and she is happy.
Everything should be a tax write-off. Our congregants would spend a lot more. The board decided that next year's Yizkur Appeal will have 'Tax Write-off' written on it.

The rabbi is more worried about people showing up to Bingo than Shabbat morning Shacharit.
He said Bingo is not gambling but a game. To quote, 'It's a game where everybody loses and the shul wins.'
It turns out Simcha knows that I-23 and G-57 are weighted. Weighted Bingo balls should be forbidden, as weighted measurements. For some reason, nobody in the congregation has said anything about the weighted balls. And Bracha is fine with it.

The rabbi ended his sermon by blessing everybody with wealth, and that their family should hate them.

Announcements
The rabbi has called off the shul casino night fundraiser. He feels it will be too much fun, and that it is Asur. The rabbi also said it’s forbidden because the other half of the shul that doesn’t golf, spends half their week at the casino and hasn’t pay their dues.

The holidays are over. We ask all parents to stop yelling in shul.

Candy violence must stop. One of our very own children got taken to the emergency room the other day due to a Bat Mitzvah injury over Parshat Bereishit. It was after Simchat Torah, which is a very dangerous holiday due to candy. Parents somehow think it's safe to hurl candy around children at shul. The X-ray showed five boxes of Jelly Bells, three large Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, with a Laffy Taffy in her spleen, due to attack for wanting a Sunkist Fruit Gem. The Laffy Taffy was wedged in there, due to the child competing for a Sunkist gem.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose All of Your Money at Shul and Not a Casino. How to Abuse Your Children Like the Horwitz Mishpuchi Who are Yellers. How to Violently Attack Somebody Who Has Pez or Anything Paskesz.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drashas Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 6:11-12) ‘And the earth became corrupt before Gd, and the earth became full of robbery (Chamas).’ And you haven’t paid your dues...
Of course it was before Gd. Who else would it be before?... Yes. It was before 1985... They must've had a board. Good question. I'm sure the president is siphoning funds. I definitely haven't received a raise in a while...
And right after this robbery, it says, ‘And Gd saw the earth and behold it was corrupted.’ Corrupted here the same root as the word ‘destroyed.’ Shachat... I used the Hebrew there so you can understand that your rabbi knows a lot. He went to Ulpan...

Chamas. Robbery. Stealing is what destroyed the world. I will not get into reserved seats during the High Holidays... It is stealing, even if you sit in that seat the rest of the year.

R’ Hirsch presents the Midrash that they stole from one another in little ways that were not subject to authority. This kind of thievery is morally damaging, as thievery within the letter of the law weakens our conscience and corrupts our social makeup. Like the board. Ruining the makeup of our shul. It's that little thievery, like the congregants who steal my time. Morally damaging society with their dumb questions...

It's the stuff that looks legal. Kind of like the way you guys don’t pay for your Mishebeyrachs... When you make us sit through fifty of your first cousins in blessing form, plus the Gabai of the shul, you have to pay for that. To not pay is what destroys the world. As do your cousins. The pain they put is through with your blessing them. When you pull out that list of sixty Ben Moshes, you're weakening the conscience of our congregation... People stopped showing up because of you and your Mishebeyrach list, Sam...

Casinos are destroying our society. Topeka is being destroyed by the thievery of the casinos. And they cause our members to not pay dues.
And this destruction has led our board to wanting to host a casino night... A fundraiser?! You're destroying our congregation. You know the roof has a leak. Might turn into a flood...

Casino night? You mean gambling in the shul???
Zecharia. You’re an addict. You think slot machines work... I didn't say alcohol was better. Though, there would be more of a chance you would pay your dues...
Ever made the same mistake 300 times. Here’s Zack... You haven’t paid your dues
This isn’t Gamblers Anonymous. What you share with the rabbi does not fall under HIPAA.
I’m here helping you. Telling the shul we shouldn’t have casino night because of you and the other 75% of the congregation that’s addicted to gambling and losing their paycheck to a panda...
Chamas is thievery. Chamas owns casinos... I’ll bet the owners of these casinos aren’t paying their dues. How much are we betting on that?!

And this destruction leads to corruption and anger. It leads to getting ripped off by my mechanic.
It just seems like you use the holidays to get mad at your kids. Take out your addictions...
I heard you yelling at your Sukkah. It’s a Sukkah. It’s supposed to be a joy. You building it with your son is messed up. I have never heard a dad berate their twelve year old child for not being a good construction worker, due to their lack of ability to slip a rod through a hole in a sheet... Your wall is bedding and you're screaming at the kid for not knowing how to build. That's not even good Chinuch... Your destruction and thievery kills the Sukkah.
How hard is it? You’re making a dwelling out of linen...

You steal in little ways, like pile driving the head of a six year old for a Sunkist Fruit Gem... That is stealing. And quite Frankly, Frank, your child is an animal. It was a Fruit Gem. Not even a Laffy Taffy...
The candies. You’re the only parents that let your kids eat candy in five gallon bags... Like you’re hoping they get sick.
Your kids at Simchat Torah were on the floor jumping for candy the whole time. A few kids were praying to a KitKat... The violence was worse than the Pitkins Park jungle gym. Stealing swings... You wouldn't survive there Heather. Those kids would've stolen your spot on the slide... A Twizzler. It was a Twizzler. It didn't have to end that way... And who throws Twizzlers?... You took it out of box. It wasn't even individually wrapped. Twizzlers are dangerous. They're like little whips.

You think it's safe to throw candy around children??? Your kid pile drived his knee into her for a Fruit Gem. Candy is violent. And quite dangerous. It's Chamas... I understand the board came up with a rule that no sucking candies are allowed, due to accidental swallowage. However, Sunkist Fruit Gem attacks, and an unwitting child's not understanding that they must give up their Paskesz to Yankel, causes much more physical harm... A pile driver!!!

Shul violence must stop. There is no need to stab a child with a Laffy Taffy.

And what’s the result of all of this corruption, thievery and candies? (Bereishit 7:21-22) ‘All that have the spirit of life in his nostrils, from all that was on dry land, died.’ Death. Is that what you want? Death by sweets?! That’s what Laffy Taffy can do. When little kids steal Hot Tamales...
And casino night kills shuls... Because you guys end up worshiping the craps table. And then the board pit bosses steals all your money... No. I did not curse there. Though, that’s what people say when they play craps.

It's the small acts of sin and communal destruction that breaks down our society and kills the world, like our board. It's the bad jokes Merv tells at Kiddish...

Yeah. The Torah lets us know that thievery kills a bunch in our Parsha... Because it corrupts, like football, when you don’t show up to Minyin and bet your mortgage on it...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi equated not paying dues with stealing and trying to kill people.
He then equated gambling with Chamas. Which makes sense. Chamas was probably running underground casinos in Gaza.
And then he considered Pez dispensers to be Chamas. How that was thievery. Maybe it’s how expensive they are. Between us. I’ve choked on Pez before. That stuff turns into sugar dust before you know it, and you're inhaling it.

One guy thought he was saying Chumus. I would rather have good Chumus than candy. Chumus does not destroy the world. Chumus brings the world together.
The rabbi stayed away from equating Chamas with Chamas. He thought the Chumus joke was more valuable than relating the Parsha to what we’re going through in our times.

So this is why the rabbi shares everything you tell him. He says it’s not HIPAA.
The board thought the casino night fundraiser was a good idea. They figured that with all the addicts, this was the only way they would get their money. They figured with Zecharia, he would stay away from the Witchatanqua Casino and give the money to the shul.
The shul needs the funds. If they can get the money through the back way, the board decided they should do that.
The rabbi actually bet Zecharia as to whether or not casinos are bad, and if there'll be a gambling night at shul.

The board voted this week. Decided that the only way to get people to come to shul was to have a casino in it. They're bringing it to court to allow for a casino. They feel they can do better than Bingo if they have slots and card tables.
Bingo has been the one constant in our shul. Some feel Torah reading is important. Most of the board feels Bingo is more important. To quote Pirkei Avot 'If there is no Bingo there is no Torah.'

Sukkah building in our community has been disallowed by family services. A social worker has to show up to ensure the dad does not overly berate the child for hanging a sheet wrong.
The Horwitzs are screamers. And I believe they are not allowed into junior congregation without a police escort.

The shul president gave a very passionate speech about candy violence, and the importance of gambling.

Kids are violent. At the parks too. With the swing-sets, slides and monkey-bar fights, it is more dangerous than Frank's kids around a Laffy Taffy. If they had candy being thrown at the jungle gym the rabbi would forbid slides. He already forbade candies being thrown in bouncy houses.
One kid in our shul took a hockey stick and slashed another kid so he could get a spot at the foosball table, and there was no candy on the table. Though, I think they were playing with a Jawbreaker. The rabbi is correct, these little forms of stealing people's spots destroys the world. I can tell you, I want to shoot the guy who cut me at Carvel, wehn I was going for soft serve the other day.
Note: Jawbreakers sound violent. And they are, especially when one of Frank's kids throws them to get fruit gem.

Due to the use our children have found for Laffy Taffy, the prison warden banned all candy of gooey substance from the commissary.

Against the rabbi's ruling, the congregants brought in card tables and slot machines, and Sunkist Fruit Gems. They even bet on cornhole and the little basketball hoop competition. Foosball, they just threw Jawbreakers at each other. It was the most attended event in shul history. Everybody skipped the casino that night.

Announcements
From now on, we will be singing Acheinu at the end of every service, in honor of the loved ones of Israel we lost the past year and the Achdut (unity of our people). They should have an Aliyat Nishama. We ask that out of respect for the fallen that none of our congregants harmonize.
We understand that many congregants are mad they will not have as much time to golf, due to the singing. Even so, we do expect that the extra prayers will help with your game.

We ask Bernie to not pray for rain. We have a feeling his prayers are not answered. Ever since he prayed for Rachel to get better, and her cough turned into a tumor, we don’t appreciate his prayers.

We lost members because of the Yizkur appeal. They said they’re never coming again on Yom Kippur due to these surprise chargers. To quote, 'Our parents would be rolling over in their grave if they knew the shul was still collecting pledges from them.'

Sukkot decorating this Monday is open to kids of all ages. That means under eighteen. Over eighteen people are scary.

The Felsenblums love each other. You could see that love when he handed her the Lulav and Etrog over the Mechitza. True love.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Sing Acheinu Right and Not Ruin a Good Song Like the Back Left of Our Shul. Yizkur Appeals and How Your Loved Ones Go Up To Heaven When You Give the Shul More Money. How We Suffered a Drought Because of Bernie's Off-key Singing. How to Purchase  Sukkot Decorations When You're Over Forty: How Not to Scare Children By Making Paper-plate Pomegranates with Them as an Old Person. The Love of a Religious Couple: How an Etrog Saved a Marriage.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Our hearts go out to all the families and the loved ones we lost in the tragedy last Simchat Torah... It goes from vZot HaBracha into Bereishit... I know it's painful. Right after, that Shabbat, we read another Parsah. I know it’s a lot. I have to deal with the Chazin too. We all feel the pain...
I have no idea what (Devarim 33:13-17) ‘and with the bounty of the moon’s yield, with the quick ripening crops of the early mountains...’ I have no idea what early mountains mean. I don't know if mountains get sleep. I'm not a geomorphologist.
Maybe it has something to do with people going to early Minyin not needing to waste their whole day hearing a Chazin go off on some harmony, or a Torah reader Layner guy who still sounds like he's reading his Bar Mitzvah Parsha. The early mountain guy gets gets to go to work, because he doesn't have to hear the people in our shul... No. I don't know what the moon yields.
I do know that Yosef’s kin receive blessings of prosperous land, as he was separated and he gets that ‘crown’... You’ve done nothing, which is why you live in a shack and your grass is dried out... Simeone. You grow dried fruit.

It’s because of ancestry. That’s why your kids get no blessings... It's because of you.

Moshe doesn’t mention wives in the blessings. He’s talking about the nation... You need a wife. When it comes to the individual not messing up and getting decent land, you need somebody telling you you messed up.
The wife keeps you on the moral path... People would've thought it was a curse if Moshe brought the wives into it...

(Bereishit 2:20) Adam names all the animals, ‘but for Adam he didn’t find a helper against him.’ Somebody against him to tell him he messed up...
Problem is man was naming all the other animals, thinking about them, but he had nobody to think about him. Nobody giving him a name. With a wife, you have somebody to tell you you're a Yutz...

I understand there is a lot going on this weekend. Calm down. It's sermon time.

(Bereishit 2:25) ‘And they were both naked, man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.’ They weren't as out of shape as our membership.
It is because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge, Etz HaDaat, they realized they were naked. And B"H. I wouldn't want to see the back left of this shul without clothes... I would've realized you were naked. So out of shape. When you have knowledge, you realize you don't want to see Louis without a shirt. You know that much... I'm not going back to the JCC pool because of you.
That's why you need a wife, Chaim. You have no style. You'd be better off naked.

I don't know who would've eaten from the Etz HaDaat. If you did, you would've realized how off you are. How off your singing is. You would've realized the Yutziness of this congregation. The nakedness of your moral aptitude.

Singing Acheinu is beautiful. It had me crying... It’s the swaying. The melody. Singing it with you guys off-tune just brings tears to my eyes... Partially because I’m thinking about our Jewish people. The ones I like.
The harmony is wrong. Your singing is the antithesis of brotherhood. Your singing Acheinu is pulling our people apart...

We do ask our congregants don’t pray for the nation... Bernie. Your prayers are a curse. It’s like a curse when you say Tehillim. H’ does the opposite...

And you still haven't paid your appeal card pledge... Sukkot is already over...
Of course we do it on the holidays. It’s an appeal. It’s a High Holiday appeal. It’s tradition... You can’t appeal the appeal... You pay dues and then the appeal...

If the wives of this shul would just tell your all how messed up you are... That's why I have to do it.
Even eighteen year olds showing up to Sukkah decorating is weird. There are seven year olds there... No. You shouldn't be coloring paper plates past high school.
It’s for kids Bernie. You’re not a kid. You’re ninety years old.... Feeling like a kids does not make you a kid. It makes you creepy.
Seeing you cutting out a paper chain is creepy. Seeing you in a swimsuit is creepy. Hearing you praying to H' is scary...

That’s true love. Handing your wife an Etrog over the Mechitzah is romance... Saving money is romantic. Buying two Lulavs and Etrogs is not... Buying extra beds and extra fridges is not romance. Sharing is.
Well Mordy. How do you express your love?... Passing your child over the Mechitzah is not love. That's you trying to get rid of the thing. Passing an appeal card is also not love... We understand you don't want to pay the pledges. You haven't paid your dues...

(Bereishit 3:6-7) They ate of the true of good and bad. ‘Their eyes were open and they knew they were naked.’ If anybody here was smart, they'd realize they haven't paid their pledges... It might have been an Etrog. How would I know?! It was probably ginger. That stuff wakes you up...
And if you have the wrong wife, you’ll make dumb decisions and eat from the one messed up tree. In all of the garden, you’ll be eating the only fruit that aren’t ripe. It will be like you're eating from Simeone's garden... I know you take pride in it. The shriveled up fruit...
No. Wear clothes. Wear clothes but be pure. Marry a woman who is pure...

Our nation is still mourning the loss of this past year and Mark is worried about getting in an extra round of golf...

So, like Adam, make sure you marry well, unlike Marleen who married Rich, and enjoy the correct blessings of the land. Marry somebody you want to pass your Lulav and Etrog to over the Mechitzah. Somebody who well help you decorate a Sukkah normally. Not like Bernie, who thinks it’s decorative to put streamers and pomegranates on a walker. Somebody you’ll want to sing Acheinu with...

Rivka's Rundown
How the rabbi knew the word geomorphologist, I have no idea. I don't even know shapes.

‘Your kids get no blessings because of ancestry.’ I believe that’s a shot at the parents of the kids in junior congregation. He considers those things a not blessing. The rabbi was also hitting the immigrants to America five generations ago. The Felsenstein family didn’t have it easy. They purchased that home. I think the rabbi should’ve told them that without renovations they won’t be blessed. Without renovations and watering their lawn during the summer.

How we can dance on Simchat Torah. It's that joy through tears. A greater sense of the responsibility of Simcha. Happiness as a people is not always easy in our shul. It would bring some happiness if the men in our shul just didn't look so pathetic dancing. Walking around looking depressed. With the arms on each other, it looks like they're just trying to keep their balance.
The weird thing in our shul this Simchat Torah is nobody was holding hands. Since COVID they all dance six feet apart.

Acheinu had me crying too. I think it’s the sway. The rabbi is right. But why did we stop singing Hatikva. I think Acheinu is the new song of Israel. The new anthem. It's good the feminist population hasn't caught onto the lyrics yet. It's better we don't sing it in English.

Some congregants had an issue because Acheinu adds time to Davening. They feel it's more important to have time to golf. They actually expressed their frustration. I didn't think that day would come where their golf was more important than the survival of our nation.
It's the same people that are mad there is a Holocaust Remembrance Day. One of them actually suggested a Holocaust themed mini golf course.

The biggest worry is that the board didn't mention an end date for Acheinu. If they would've said, 'It will be till the end of February,' the golfers would've been fine with it. They say that they can sometimes get in some good golf in March. And that is more important than the survival of our people.
Most of our membership is against Jewish unity.

Most people were crying because of how long Davening was. And for three straight days.
The naked talk in shul had most of the women's section wanting to run. Thinking of any of their husbands naked brought flashbacks of horror.

People have started asking Bernie to not pray for them. Congregants have started standing by him during the prayer for the healing of the sick to make sure he doesn't say 'Amen.'
I have a feeling our congregants are vindictive and they pray for bad stuff to happen.

The Sukkah decorating was off. Older people decorating had some weird arts and crafts projects popping into the Sukkah. One guy brought his walker to hang in the Sukkah. He called it modern art.
I think we have to stick to crayon drawings on paper plates.

The rabbi and the board is still appealing. They had a Sukkot appeal. They appeal whenever they have a chance. We went apple picking and there was an Apple Appeal. Any time there is one word, they have an appeal. They had a Kiddish Appeal. We even had a Costco Appeal when the rabbi wanted his own cottage cheese in a five gallon container.
We had a Paper Chain Appeal. The shul said they needed money for 'the next generation.' They even called them 'the next generation' as that brings out higher numbers on the appeal card flips. The rabbi got somebody to donate the paper and they still asked for money. Total cost was eight dollars. Total monies brought in during the appeal was four thousand dollars. Total monies of the appeal pledges received, zero.
The appeals are getting annoying. I flipped the tab just to get the shul office to send me a letter to pay stuff I won’t. I feel like it at least has them doing something for the dues I paid.

I am happy the rabbi clarified what makes people creepy. For me, it’s when an old guy talks to me at Kiddish.
They should be able to talk to me at Kiddish. It’s just that they spittle when they talk.

It was very romantic. The way she shook the Lulav at him and injured his cornea while smiling was romance.

Announcements
The rabbi will be handing out his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He feels that you getting a booklet of thirty sources shows enough of his brilliance that he does not need to give the speech. The rabbi also said he will also not explain why it's not called a Shabbat Teshuva Drasha.
 
It’s the Ten Days of Repentance. Do Teshuva. Literally meaning ‘returning.’ The rabbi wants to make it clear that we do not return to ourselves. He said to return to Gd and not to what you were. To quote, ‘Our members were a bunch of sinners, annoying, and messed up.’
 
We need to watch out for our older congregants. Max and Hy ran into each other after not seeing each other years, though they both come to shul. Max told Hy he looked the same, hasn’t changed a bit. Hy said the same. Apparently, they’re both losing their eyesight.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Ho to do Teshuva and Become Something Else, So Gd Will Finally Love You. Seeing People For What They Are: Older.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
If the heavens and earth heard your stupidity...

Yes. HaAzinu is a song. This is a song... I don’t know the tune. Moshe might have written it to a lyre... I don't read lyre notes... Not all songs rhyme. It’s a song because it brings everything together in clarity and unity. When stuff makes sense, it’s a song. This is why the shul band hasn’t been able to write a decent song... Nothing here makes sense. Why I had to even explain this, doesn't make sense.
When bad gets punished, it’s a song. When you see a congregant, whose car got stolen, it’s a song...

(Devarim 32:13) H’ will ‘have him eat ripe fruits... He would suckle him with honey from the stone, and oil from a flinty rock...’ Yes. That’s a blessing and excellent lyrics. Flinty rocks are amazing. You can write with it. That amazing chalkiness. Everybody loves flint... Dylan couldn't have written that. William Hanna's Flintstones song is good, but 'suckle him with honey...' are much better lyrics than 'the modern stone-age family.' Great lyrics though...

(Devarim 32:15) ‘You became fat... and deserted Gd its Maker...’ Not all fat people desert Gd. It’s just that you become focused on physical joy, you desert Gd...
Yes. Bad stuff happens then. When you desert Gd for dessert, issues happen. You become heavy and sin.
And what has this congregation done this year, but put on weight...

This is about Teshuva. Not the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. It’s a different Drasha... Shuva is Teshuva. Try saying Shabbat Teshuva... Exactly. It sounds like Shabbat Shuva...

You have Bracha when you have the correct focus... Of course. Of Gd. Every week I have to tell you the same thing...
It is at this time that you return to Gd. To Mitzvot. To song not sung by our Chazin. Songs that make sense... That's the punishment we get. A heavy Chazin...
No Bernie. Don’t return to your best self. Your best self has messed up every time. Fran. Your best self messed up the community quilt... Didn’t think somebody could mess up a community quilt. A bunch of random sewn boxes by untalented members of our shul, and you messed that up...

Hy. You and Max don’t look the same. You guys look worse... That's not a curse. It's a blessing. It's time for you to finally focus on looking old... Old is a Bracha. Thin and old is a Bracha. Return to Gd and stop eating half a pound of babka at Kiddish... Because there are other people and that's selfish.
It’s beautiful to look worse. It’s part of Teshuva...
If your sight was good, you wouldn’t be wearing that suit. It’s a double breasted
This Rosh Hashana may we all be Zoyche to Brachas of decent flint and a good jar of honey... Flinty honey rocks are a Bracha if you don't eat too much of them.

The problem is you're focused on yourselves. On feeding your Tyvas. Your desires. If you had a Tyva to exercise...

Rivka's Rundown
I still don’t know how that’s a song. It was almost as bad as something the shul band writes. Maybe it’s a different type of song. Maybe the shul band didn’t rhyme stuff, because their song was spiritual.
The rabbi went off on how these pop songs make no sense. That part of the sermon took a really long time. The rabbi doesn't like Taylor Swift.
Questions about the Flintstones came up. Whole discussions as to whether or not a car should have stone wheels, even if it's made of flint, came up.

People are now worried that if they eat too much they’ll serve false gods. And the rabbi is happy that he can finally get to his egg salad without having to push away the members who are hogging it all.
The rabbi believes that if you have worse food we’ll serve Gd better. Though he contends that you can't make worse kugel than the sisterhood. I'm confused. I think the real issue is that our congregants eat too much of the stuff with no taste. If we had flint honey, we'd be good.

The message was food is the idol. The rabbi didn’t say that. I just took that as the message. I created my own sermon. Once they started talking about the Flintstones, I created my own sermon.

The Shabbat Shuva Drasha was handed out in Hebrew. The rabbi figured that not putting in the translation for us showed more of his prowess.

The rabbi went on talking about people’s best selves and how Shloimi’s best self has never shared egg salad at Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which the rabbi said is now forbidden because our membership is too heavy, which means they sin too much to eat Shalishudis). Shloimi hogs the third Shabbat meal. And by the way, Shloimi is skinny. Emaciated.
The rabbi said he would never share a Rosh Hashana meal with Shloimi, because he would get no honey. Shloimi wants all the Bracha for himself.

The rabbi still blames the board for the mess ups in the announcements. He said he would call it typos. But it's too messed up to call it that.
The rabbi went off on how the board also lost their sight. Claiming they have redecorated the shul horrifically. He also went off on the maroon hallways. Samantha thought coloring the halls maroon would brighten up the shul’s atmosphere.

It's good the rabbi threw in 'thin and old.' Otherwise, people were very confused.

For the last week, the membership has been on the new honey diet. They're claiming that's what the rabbi was proposing in his Drasha.

Announcements
We understand people are mad about their Yom Kippur seats from last year. The board has very poor judgment of people. Never trust them with wedding seating at your child’s wedding, unless if you want the guests to be not happy. They’ll sit the bride’s family with the groom’s...
We will have general seating this year. We still need you to pay for seats.
 
We're giving music lessons. The shul band, Simchtallica Soft Rock, is real bad and we need a new drummer, guitarist and pianist. One that understands it's a soft rock band.
 
Autumn is here, which means a nice breeze, leaves are falling, and people are depressed.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin People’s High Holidays, with The Board. Music Lessons for People With Hope: Not the Shul Band or Cheryl. How to Not Be Depressed this Autumn by Sitting Very Far Away From Bernie.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No excuses. You come to shul. You do Mitzvahs. You get in shape... (Devarim 30:11-14) ‘The commandment... It’s not in heaven to say, “Who will go up for us to heaven, to take it, and to hear it for us and do it?’ The Torah is not out of reach. And all you have are excuses. Shul is too long. I have too much work. I need me time. I can’t open a scroll... It’s in books. The Torah is in books now. Nobody is opening a scroll at Yeshiva... Stop blaming your wife for everything. Allen. She's a good woman. She's right here. Not in heaven... That's the problem. I get it...
You have to be in shape to go all the way up to heaven.

You would expect me to get up on a ladder for you to climb up to heaven... Because I have to do everything for you. 'Go rabbi. Get the Torah for us. We gave you a raise eight years ago.'

‘It is close to you this thing, in your hear mouth and in your heart to do it...’ Maybe not in Bernie’s heart... You’re eighty-six and you still haven’t done a Mitzvah.
It’s not even on the other side of the sea. The Torah is right here. In the back of the shul with the fools who talk all of Davening. If that is Torah, I am going to give up. Something is wrong with that section... I'm happy the leave for the Kiddish club. Don't have to see them...
The thing is the Torah. Mitzvahs. Not broom the weed-whacker you needed and forgot what it was called...

You put in effort. The gym is right down the block. Lo BaShamaim Hi. It's not in heaven...

Do stuff. Do Mitzvot. They’re here. Right in front of you... Not disturbing Davening. How about we start with that. How about we start with not disrupting the sermon. That's one of the 'things'...

Mitch. You have no idea how to play the flute... Why do we even need a flute in a rock band?!
A decent musician is not here. No decent entertainment is found in our shul. Possibly in heaven...
They listen because you’re bad. They’re quiet... If you were good, they’d be dancing. They'd be cheering. They'd be singing along... They have no idea what song you're singing... It's off. People are asking, 'Who will go and explain to us what this band is doing?'

You're supposed put in effort because the Torah is everywhere. You can achieve. The shul band is a different story. I don’t believe effort will help the Simchtallica Band. Why are you calling a soft rock band Simchtallica?...
What was the point in Cheryl being in the band. It wasn't a harmonica. It was a kazoo... And she clapped. She was good at applauding.
Soft rock??? Why do you need amps that big and leather pants for a soft rock band?!

It's just that the shul puts in no effort and being here feels like the Torah is really far away...

The board has to put effort into assigning seats for the High Holidays... Because people don’t know where their seats are. Their seats are in heaven... You put in bleachers last year...
Why would people pay for seats if it's general seating? You’re paying for a seat that’s not even yours. You get up and Ben takes it... Laura is a musical chairs hog. She’ll come in and sit right under you.

The Torah is in your homes. It’s with the change of seasons...
Relax. Be happy. I understand autumn is here.
You’re pale. Allen. You’re pale. Sun is bad for you. Stop complaining. You should be thanking Gd for autumn. You can finally go outside and not burn yourself.
It will be a beautiful holiday season... So you have to wear a coat in the Sukkah.
The Torah is in your Sukkah... Build it and it will be in your Sukkah. So lazy.

Put in effort. The High Holidays are coming. Try a bit.
And if the Torah was in heaven?... Rashi teaches that you would have to go up to heaven after it, to learn it. You won’t even wake up on time to come to shul... Are you going to go to heaven?!

Rivka's Rundown
That was the first time I've ever heard a rabbi support the Kiddish club. Our rabbi doesn't want to see the congregants in shul. Especially in the back left.
I think the rabbi saying the Torah is found in his congregation caused an existential crisis for the rabbi. We haven’t seen him since Shabbat. We hope he’s not going to leave Yiddishkeit because of where Torah is found.

The rabbi blames the poor health in our congregation on lack of going to the gym. I think the rabbi was saying that Torah is at the gym.

Really bad musicians. It's like watching a fourth grade recital. People listen because they feel bad. They're trying to figure out if the band was playing a note. Before hearing the band, I thought everything was a note. I was wrong.
Cheryl is a bad harmonica player. Some say it was a kazoo. It was a good kazoo.

I would rather have the board set up the seats. Now I have to run away from Sharon and I have no excuse. I can't tell her, 'Your seat is over there. I have to go sit in my seat.' And she thinks the pew is for everybody. There is no such thing as a pew without more room. We once had thirteen people in the five person pew. This is why you don't have friends in shul.
The board at least gave me an excuse to not sit next to her last year. The board worked for me. I was in cahoots. Assigned seats is key for running away from family too. I was able to throw my aunt on the other side of the women’s section. Now, I only go to weddings with assigned seats. And I make it a point to not sit with my family.
I figure that if I don't sit with people I know, I won't end up having to ask for forgiveness for hating them on Yom Kippur.

I heard autumn was here and I got sick. I think I came down with something from listening to everybody complain about how 'there is a breeze outside now' at Kiddish.

The rabbi did not allow any shul band members to go to the music lessons. He said they have no hope.

Announcements
It’s the last week before Selichot start. We suggest to get sleep now.
 
We ask everybody calm down. We understand that Rosh Hashana and Sukkot will be three-day Yom Tovs. Many members have come to the rabbi to ask if converting to another religion for October is fine. The rabbi has decreed that converting to not have to cook for three days or hear a Chazin is not acceptable.
The Jewish Family Service will be offering counseling for members who are worried about having to eat Kugel for three straight days.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Skip Work So You Can Get Sleep During the Two Weeks of Selichot. How To Cook for a Three Day Yom Tov and Still Love Your Family. How to Get Seats in the Back of the Shul, So You Can Show Up Late on the High Holidays. How to Not Bloat Like Shaindy Who Gets Very Heavy during the Holidays.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 26:16) ‘This day, H”, your Gd, is commanding you to do the decrees and ordinances, and you shall do them with all of your heart and all of your soul.’ Not like Simcha who can’t even shake a hand with a firm grip... You shake a hand, you have Kavanah. You’re saying ‘Good Shabbis.’ You shake the hand. You shake it with heart and soul. If you shook with Kavanah and Nishama, people would want to be religious... Yes. More soul in your Jewish handshakes. Maybe listen to some Motown before Shabbis, to get you in the mood.
And your Shema has no heart and soul. You need heart and soul when saying Shema!!!

'This day'? I don't know which exact day... I don't think it was Golden Calf day. Maybe it was spies day...
Rashi (citing Tanchuma) teaches that Moshe is telling them that ‘Each day, they should be to you as new. As if you were commanded them that day.’
It’s about now. It’s about doing Mitzvot now... You did a good job in Yeshiva. How bout you keep Shabbat now?!... I know you're proud of Sarah. I understand Sarah did really good in grade school, Kitah Bet, and she knows how to trace a Gimel. She’s thirty-five now...
If you thought you were being commanded now, you'd have more heart... You are being commanded now. But you're not. But you are...

You want to be great. Do the Mitzvot. Do them with heart and soul and some tunes that aren't Carlebach...
(Devarim 26:18-19) ‘H’” said to you this day to be to Him an Am Segulah (a treasure), as He spoke to you, and to guard the Mitzvot...'
I would not call this congregation a treasure... Cause you don't do Mitzvot and you're annoying... I don't know if H' said anything about telling bad jokes and standing close to me while I'm trying to enjoy a potato Kugel at Kiddish...
You have to be to H’ an Am Segulah. A nation that shakes hands. A nation that has heart and soul, TODAY!!!
I don't know what an Am Segulah is. I'm assuming it's not a membership that comes in sixth place in the inter-shul softball league, with an 0 and 8 record. I am assuming an Am Segulah shows up to Minyin...
'This day.' Today. Do something today. Stop thinking and maybe you'll be loved. That's why you're still single, Chaim...

If you said Shema every day with heart and soul, you would maybe be a liked. You would be an Am Segulah. 'To guard the Mitzvot.'
Try. I am saying to try. If you tried, we wouldn't be stuck with messed up Yom Kippur seats again. I saw the chart. It's off... You don't sit anybody next to Bernie. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie, with the chuching...

You guys have no heart or soul. We will expect you here at 5:30am for Selichot...  Allen. You don't show up for Minyin at 7am.
Mitzvot need heart and soul...

You need a lot of Neshama to make it through a three day holiday. You need belief in Gd... The 3 Day Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana has scared many of our congregants. People are already packing to go. Members are running away...
People are very nervous. We understand. Cooking Tzimis for three days is not an easy task. What do you do without internet for three days????
We've lost six community members who have converted due to this year's three day Rosh Hashana and Sukkot...
Everybody calm down. No need to panic. No need to protest. We, the shul, will keep everybody occupied with Davening. We will be sure to allow the Chazin to Daven for extra praying time to get us through the holiday... I understand. I also hate the Chazin.
Maybe we should be focused on praying about life...

And you have conviction that you are receiving the Torah anew on Rosh Hashana. You have conviction when cooking for the family...
We’ve also heard of parents putting up their children for adoption, so they don’t have to cook for them for three days... Kids won’t want to be Jewish and serve Gd if you cook bad Kugels. If your chicken soup is off, if you leave out the matzah balls and you offer no croutons, we will lose Jewish children over the holiday... Put your heart and soul into it. You're a treasured nation who was chosen to make decent chicken soup with shmaltz... And start cooking today. Mitzvahs take preparation.

Seize the day. That's how you become an Am Segulah... Seize it. Not cease.

And you shake hands with meaning. Strong. Firm. Like you're just meeting Mervin. A Mitzvah shake.
Shake hands right and be an Am Segulah.
We need more heart and soul. We're going to close our eyes the rest of Davening...

We should all be blessed with a life of never having to do another three day Yom Tov.

Rivka's Rundown
Everybody closed their eyes and nobody had any idea what they were saying. No words came out. Our congregants are Davening illiterates. They know nothing. 
One woman thought it was meditation time. She asked the rabbi if it was fine to light a candle on Shabbis.

I believe the rabbi's message was that the Jewish people were chosen to be a treasured nation to make chicken soup with a decent amount of chicken fat and soup nuts.
​
The rabbi’s shaking hand conviction point was well taken by the congregation. People were shaking hands for hours after services. They were hand cupping. They were standing in hand shake Mazel Tov lines. No Simcha, but there was a Mazel Tov row.
The Mazel Tov row is where the family stands outside of services to shake everybody's hands at the end of a Simcha.

The rabbi is truly pushing for better musicians in our shul. The shul band is real bad. To quote the rabbi, 'They have no heart and soul.'
I felt bad for Chaim. The rabbi gave him nothing. Just a 'that's why you're still single.' No way out of it. Just something about 'today' and he is still single today.

Instead of saying Selichot, I figured I would sleep deprive myself to feel closer to H’.

People are truly worried about the three day holidays.
One guy already had a Lokshen Kugel breakdown. At Kiddish, there was Lokshen. He started yelling, ‘No. No more Lokshen. No Rosh Hashana!!! Lokshen!!!’
Due to the rabbi's support of the Chazin leading a long Davening concept, four more families decided to convert for the month of October. They ran form shul. Skipped Kiddish. We haven't seen them since.

In his class, the rabbi suggested to only use plastic. Do not think about the environment when you’re praying for a good and healthy year. When it’s three days, you can't worry about the environment. Especially when you have kids.
Due to the three day holidays, mothers have started telling their kids how much they hate them.

Very true. You only keep kids Jewish with good cooking good Choolent.
This is why the Lefkowitz kids are off the Derech. They're not religious because their mom can’t cook a decent Lokshen.

Shaindy does put on weight during the holidays. She bloats. I appreciate that somebody else noticed. I am sick of being the only one telling her.

Great sermon. I still have no idea what heart and soul means. I think it means potato Kugel and Tzimis. And to not be like Bernie.

Announcements
We’ll be hosting Jewish art classes for members who can only write in script Hebrew. We'll teach membership how to look decent with their penmanship. The class on how to dress was a failure.
 
School has begun. Please ask the teachers to teach your kids to Daven. Maybe Adon Olam. At least to be silent and not talk during Davening. Maybe ask the teachers to teach your children to not be annoying. To not be annoying and to learn Hebrew. מעצבנים. That's a word.
 
Mitchel was smiling at the funeral. Though he's the son and it was very offsetting, nobody should worry. He's getting an inheritance.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Writing Hebrew Like a Jew and Not Like Sadie Who Has Very Poor Penmanship. How to Raise a Jewish Child That Knows Adon Olam by Not Sending Them to a Jewish Day School Not in Our Town. Making People Happy at Your Funeral by Giving Them Money.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You keep the purity of marriage... I know that’s offensive. The Torah is offensive. There are marriage rules. And they are offensive... Just seeing you offends me, Bernie. It's like a really bad marriage.
You need a safe home. A home with a loving husband. A home with a roof that has a fence. A shul without Bernie...
Why you all are walking on roofs all the time is messed up. Good Jewish boys don't walk on roofs. They pay not Jewish boys to walk on roofs... We care if they are safe too. Though they did the Crusades, we still care about them.

(Devarim 22:8) ‘When you build a new house you shall make a fence for your roof. And you shall not place blood in your house if a fallen person falls from it...’ You want blood in your house? It gets all over. It's hard to clean.... If you fall, I would at least think a scab...
Why I have to tell you that safety is important. Your kids run around the halls like crazies. We need to build a new shul with cushions on the walls, for safety. And no plastic toys... The plastic ax had a blood on it. There's blood everywhere in this shul. One of the kids got injured in a game of paper football... Rebecca. It's a table game.

The Rambam (Hilchot Rotzeach 11:1-5) says this applies to swimming pools and tall stairways... No. You cannot go up to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Every seen that stairwell? Three thousand feet and a sharp spiral, and a bunch of New Yorkers. Not safe... You also can't go to youth groups in our shul... The kids are crazy. Blood...

Why vineyards and marriage laws are written here too? Rashi says because one Mitzvah leads to another. And one annoying congregant with an annoying congregant question leads to another annoying congregant with another annoying congregant question... Marriage to house to vineyard. It makes sense... If you don't have a house, were do you build the vineyard??? It's best to drink near the house.

Precaution. Precaution and preparation for safety and Mitzvahs is what we're learning about. Mitzvahs and not splashing people at the pool...
Prepare correctly so you don't look like a fool. Our congregation comes off as not educated... Because you're not. Learn how to write Hebrew like a normal person.
What classy people write in Hebrew cursive?... English cursive is classy. Hebrew cursive is not classy.
If you want to make it look nice, you do not write in Israeli cursive. That’s not how you send an invitation. You write in Biblical font... Nobody showed up to the wedding because the invitation font looked Shvach. They thought there would be really bad food. 'Cursive Hebrew. They're probably serving falafel balls.' Get a Sofer to write the invitation. That's a wedding with lamb chops and pigs in a blanket.
At least dress nicely for the wedding. You look like Shlump right now...

Prepare. There’s a Mitzvah to teach children.
Your kids are in school. Do they teach them anything... I was at your Seder. The little one couldn’t even do the Mah Nishtana right. Pathetic...
At least teach them to shut up. That would be nice. That would help the rest of us Daven...

Prepare for a funeral and don’t just think about the money...
Mitchel. I know you’re getting money out of it. But it looks bad to be happy at your dad’s funeral... There are better business transactions than your dad's death.

And in marriage there are precautions. How you married Thelma is messed up. No precaution. If you would've thought about the dangers of being with Thelma for seventy years... Mazel Tov on your 70th Berns.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi didn't prepare the speech. No precaution. That's why it took so long. One person said it felt like death.
I think the rabbi could’ve made the annoying congregant point much quicker. He could've just said, 'You need a fence around the roof, and the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are annoying. And they have no idea how to raise kids right. Even their Bar Mitzvahs have messed up invitations.' That would've been a brilliant sermon.

I don't know if the rabbi cared or didn't care about not Jewish boys. The part of the Crusades left things a bit vague.

The Psak, rabbinic decree, on not being allowed to go up to the Statue of Liberty, due to the stairs, was a strong statement by our rabbi. He then went on to say that hiking is forbidden. He is now refusing to let people go camping, claiming that Jews in the wilderness is dangerous.

The font did look pathetic. You’ve got to write in Biblical Hebrew style text to make an invitation look nice. Biblical font is classy. Once you start with Hebrew cursive, you know it’s going to be falafel and chumus for dinner.
And why is it that every Israeli event has falafel? Can’t do a classy pargiot event?! An event with dark chicken fillet?! They eat that in Israel.
They really do dress bad. I think The Chatan was wearing a cardigan.

The rabbi loves pigs in a blanket. To him, that's class.

The kids in the shul are crazy and violent. I saw an Oreo at Kiddish. The kid scratched and clawed at it, just to get to the filling.
The kids don’t even know the word decorum. Forget Hebrew. They definitely don’t know how to say decorum in Hebrew.

One woman was crying at the funeral. It was a cousin. Not very close. She hadn’t seen Hymie in over forty years. She wasn’t getting an inheritance.

I believe Berns was happy for his seventieth. The rabbi wasn't. The rabbi's just thinking about how many more years he'll have to deal with Berns and Thelma.

Announcements
We ask members stick to the tunes everybody knows. Nobody in our shul needs kids who just got back from Israel trying to make the membership better Jews with a tune they learned at Yeshiva.

We also ask members to not bring back old tunes they liked. There’s a reason we stopped singing the Yankee Doddle Adon Olam.

We ask members keep on their weight so we can still like you. Nobody likes Shloimi anymore. Since he lost weight, nobody even knows the guy. He’s a different person. The half everybody liked is gone. Now he’s talking about smoothies and kale.
We apologize to any congregant that got stuck next to Shloimi at Kiddish the past month. It’s hard enjoying Kishka next to him.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Songs We Sing, Songs We Like- Unlike Baruch’s Tunes. How to Not Be Annoying After You Lost Weight.

Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We need judges. This shul needs judges. People scoring how the Aliyah went, how the ark opening went... It was so slow today. The curtain took a minute to open. I’ve never seen somebody pull so slow... I understand the housing committee is worried about having to fix more damages. But pulling a string is not going to raise the cost of the leak in the roof.

You give the Kohanim and Leviim stuff... Because you’re commanded, Bernie. (Devarim 18:2) They have no land. ‘H’ is his inheritance’... Money Bernie. You give them money. Food. Stuff. H' didn't give them land so they wouldn't waste all of their time comparing the size of their houses like...
I’m not saying the rest of the Jews should spend their whole lives in Yeshiva. I have no idea how this got translated as that... Yes they should learn. They should learn to give a little... Good stuff. You guys give the shul your books you want to throw out. This is why H’ tells you exactly what to give the Kohens and Levis. Because you guys would give the worst stuff. Like your set of The Hardy Boys...

(Devarim 18:3-4) You give the ‘forelegs, the jaw and the maw...' You give the good stuff. Everybody loves the maw. The tongue and stomach stuff is amazing... If you cook it right. Not like Sarah and the rest of the sisterhood who messes up Stella D'oros.
You give ‘the first of your grain, your wine, your oil, your sheep shearing...’
H’ tells you what to give. You would give the second fruits. Maybe the fourth fruits.
You’d give the second shearing... I don’t know what the second shearing is. But you would give it. Anything to save money.
You gave the suggested donation for the dinner... There was an option to give $1,800 and $3,600. You gave $18...

If we judged your Davening, it would’ve been judged annoying...
Teaching a tune??? Baruch. You're leading Davening, not pushing tunes nobody knows. It's a sing along where nobody knows the tune. Kind of like Shacharit on a regular Shabbat... You all mess up the songs.
H' doesn't tell you to sing. He tells you to pray... This is why you do what H' tells you. He doesn't tell you to drop off books at shul nobody likes. He doesn't tell you to sing songs nobody likes.
Baruch. Your tune sounded like a bunch of moaning... That's what happens when our congregants get involved.
Phil. Using old tunes is like pushing a new tune. Nobody knows them. They’re old. Just do the tunes they already know. They can’t even sing those right.
And nobody likes the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam... That was eighty years ago, before they had guitars.

H' wants religious Jews to eat well. This is why He gave the first maws... Shloimi. Nobody likes you anymore. You took off weight and nobody likes you now.
I don’t know why every member over fifty has to talk about how much weight they lost. And you’re still out of shape... You lose weight and you're out of shape. And then we have to hear you talk about it.
I can’t have a conversation with you anymore. I like talking to the whole you. Not the annoying half...
All you have now is the judgmental half. The half Gd doesn't approve of.

They will take away your membership if you lose more weight... Because you talk about it and nobody can stand it. Talk about Torah. Talk about giving something to the Levites. Maybe judge some of the other annoying members.
And your house is not that big...

Rivka's Rundown
We’ve had that water leak in the ceiling for years. Bracha loves it. She feels like she’s praying outside. She likes the meditative connection the leak allows her.

Biggest thing in shul now is to have a bigger house. It seems to be a way to show you're a better Jew. If you cover the whole lot with your house, and get rid of the grass, you're a better Jew.

We're a very judgmental shul. The rabbi didn't have to suggest more judment. The congregants started holding up numbers after Aliyahs. They graded based on speed to get up there. How long Mishebeyrachs were. And if the guy had to look at the Aliyah Hebrew cheat-sheet.
Yankel Moishe never got an Aliyah again. After his forty-eight person Mishebeiyrach, the Gabai chose to forget his name.

Our membership gives the worst donations to our shul. For a picture for the hallway, they gave a fingerprinting.
And they can’t cook right. They would mess up maw. Due to our members donating and dedicating Kiddishes, I've never had a decent maw.
The rabbi needs to put out a divine list of acceptable donations. I suggested that to the board. They said they already put together the Yizkur appeal card.

Who's giving more than the suggested donation? What idiots are thinking, 'I can enjoy the dinner for $18, but I do have a choice to pay $1,800.' I've never paid $1,800 for a dinner and felt that was more meaningful. I felt I had to work more the next week. The only thing Gd wanted out of that donation I gave was more prayer I will get that money back.

I can’t believe they brought back the Yankee Doodle Adon Olam. I walked out.
Baruch got back from Yeshiva and started doing these new tunes for Kabbalat Shabbat, thinking everybody will become more religious because of his LCha Dodi. All he got was nobody singing along. I don't know. They might have been singing along. All I heard was moaning.

Why is it when they lose weight that’s all they can talk about? And then they give advice. They’ve been fat their whole lives and now they’re a diet guru. Always kale. Always talking about kale.
Asking people to keep on weight wasn’t a problem. The rabbi asked and the people went back to their regular diet. The cost of Kiddish sponsorship went up.

Announcements
The Shul BBQ at the AAA Topeka Tigers game was a good time had by all. The rabbi wants you all to know he had such a great time. He felt like a nonJew.

Summer is almost over. The kids are coming home. We are going to soundproof and stainproof the shul. Anybody willing to help, please call the office and let them know you will not be bringing your kids to shul.

Show to work week with the rabbi was not a success this year. The rabbi wants to apologize for getting his members fired. He didn't mean to share how annoying you are with your bosses.

We understand if you are not fully able to cover dues this year due to lack of employment caused by your rabbi

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Enjoy Jewish Living as a NonJew. How to Keep Your Children Out of Shul and the Rabbi Happy. How to Not Get Fired by Showing to Shul On Time.

Rabbi Mendelechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 11:26) H’ puts a ‘Brachas and Klalah’ in front of us. A blessing and curse... You follow the Bracha. You idiot. The only congregation that thinks the curse is the right way to go...
H’ also tells us to be happy (Devarim 12:12). I haven’t seen a person here smile in years. Be happy and do Mitzvahs... I don’t know how you can do Mitzvahs and be happy with the makeup of this congregation. Somewhere must be doing this happy smiling thing... 
Translation of a Klalah. Being with this unhappy congregation is a Klalah.

So many Mitzvot in this Parsha... Yes. Moshe repeats them, because you people never listen the first time. This is why I have to give very long sermons. Repeating myself...
(Devarim 13:1) ‘Don’t diminish or add to the Mitzvahs...’ I don’t think we have to worry about adding to the Mitzvahs in our congregation. We definitely don't have to worry about people smiling more than the Halachically allotted amount of happy... Adding to curses. Yes...

You have to be happy and smile so that you won't search out these weird ways you all... Meditation is crazy. Meditation leads to idol worship with your added ways of connecting... You all sitting silently so I can think is allowed.
(Devarim 12:30) ‘Be aware... after they’re destroyed from before you. Lest you search their gods, saying, ‘How did these nations serve their gods? And I will do the same.’ 
The nations are destroyed and you want to follow them?! It takes a fool like our membership to follow in something that just got destroyed. Only you guys think losing is a good idea. 'Let's follow the ones who got destroyed.' You still think we should have a softball team next year... We got killed. Every game, they destroyed us. Losing 12 to 3 is not good. And that was our best game...
‘Be aware’ you need a warning, because you do stupid stuff... It should be 'Be aware. Dog on premises. Don't follow the idol worshippers.'
Anything stupid, you guys try it. Pickleball. Evey one of you has to give it a go. Never tennis. Pickleball.
Curse comes from serving false gods. Trying to find happiness elsewhere...

Finally, a decent event at this shul. The yearly baseball game with a BBQ at the ballpark was amazing. I felt like a Goy. That’s my goal... Bernie. You think like a Goy. You have a Goyisha Cupp.
It was a good game because we weren't watching the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Savages play softball. You have never hit a homerun. Never hit more than a single... How do you call yourselves 'Savages' and lose by nine? It just makes it more pathetic. 
And you even have a cheer. You did that New Zealand rugby dance and screamed 'Savages,' and struck out. The whole side struck out the first inning. In a softball game!!!
Watching the Savages get destroyed. I found myself rooting for the nonJews... Because they destroyed you...
No. You don’t dress like a nonJew. Dressing like a Goy is Asur. Serving that way of life. That gets you destroyed... Enjoying a baseball game like a Goy is Gazunta. That's permissible...
You even cursed at the baseball game. Shame on you.

Your children are crazy. They’re crazy people. Maniacs. Not a blessing.
Best way to help with the future of our community is to not bring your kids to shul ever. That will ensure the perpetuation of our people.
Best is if your kids never come to shul... Ever. If they're out of your house, you can't control them anymore. That's not on you... It would be better they didn't come then too.

You guys are annoying. A curse... Because you cause others to not be happy.
First, you shift all the time. That’s why I don’t sit next to any of you. I sit all the way up here, on the Bima stage, because you’re seat shifters. You guys are always moving around, trying to get more space... If you came at me with those armrest elbows, fighting my elbows off the rest, I'd whack you...

Don't blame your rabbi for your problems at work. You show up late to Minyin. Your bosses should know that...
Next time, just bring your kids to work. Those annoying things will get you fired. Just let your boss see how you don't watch over your children when they're running around the boss's office... Why is there a kid up on the Bima again?! Is there a parent here? Parents? Anybody watching over their kids???!!!
You lost your job. I get why you can’t pay dues.
We also understand that not working ever, because you are learning Torah is not a good way to bring in the bucks. That's my fault... Shlomo. You don’t learn. Wanting to learn is not a reason to not get a job.

Happiness is the blessing. And you have to find that blessing through Mitzvahs and being happy. Not cursing people...
A big Mazel to our Chatan and Kallah. Your uncle is a loser. A total loser...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi said nothing positive. Just told him how messed up his uncle is. It was a curse for his Ufruf.

People in our shul love to curse. They feel it’s cathartic. Not one person has ever given somebody a Bracha. Just a curse. The Chasan's dad came up to the Bima and said, ‘Don’t be like your uncle. A bum...’ And then the father of the groom smiled and walked off the Bima. Gleaming with pride. The chance he was given to curse out a family member brought him much Nachis.
The most used curse by our congregants is, 'You're a good for nothing.' They say it's a curse. I find it to be an honest accounting of most of our membership. One lady always says, 'You should and live and be well.' That's a hurtful curse. Anything positive out of Ethel's mouth means she hates you and never wants to see you again.

I would say one out of every three sermons gets disturbed by a random parentless toddler on the Bima.

The shul softball team calls themselves the Savages and they've never hit more than a single. Watching our members play softball is almost as pathetic as watching them get an Aliyah, looking down at the Barchu text.

They love the professional sports outings. The goal of our congregation is to be as nonJewish as possible. This is why they started serving pigs in a blanket at Kiddish. Facts be told, I can live as a nonJew if it consists of pigs in a blanket.
There is nothing kinder than telling a local community member that their child looks not Jewish. At a Bris, you should say, ‘Look at him. So good looking. Looks like a Shaygitz.’ Never set anybody in our community up with a Jew. They won’t go out. Only time they’ll consider a blind-date is if you tell the guy, ‘She looks gorgeous. She looks like a Shigtza.’

The rabbi forbade meditation. Though he did make it clear that he would like peace and quiet.

I don't believe anybody likes hearing their kid is not a blessing. Congregants approached the rabbi at Kiddish about calling their children 'not blessings.' The rabbi pacified them, reminding them that he didn't call them a curse. Then the rabbi pointed to the children's table with smushed cake toppings all over their faces and shirts.
The rabbi is trying to keep people out of shul. That's his real goal. Kids is a good way to start.
The kids truly scare people. They tried childproofing the shul, but kids still came. They even put a safety gate around the women’s section to keep kids out. That led to a lot more crying outside of the sanctuary.

The rabbi suggested that next time it's just going to be 'bring your kids to work day.' He doesn't want to be blamed for the congregants getting fired because they talk during his sermon again. The rabbi did take back saying that Jack talks during Davening to his boss. Though, Jack's boss said he hates him too.

The rabbi giving the How to Not Get Fired class, when he got them fired, was a bit much.

Announcements
Banging the table is going to stop. We heard Val whack the wood and we all thought it was Rosh Chodesh. It was a fly, and he seemed very angry at it. We’ve spoke to him, and told him to calm down with his prayers. We’ve sent Shmuel to anger management.
 
We ask members bring better Yahrzeit cake. People are now questioning if they should come to Minyin. We ask you commemorate the passing of your family with a moist babka.
 
We ask that not all members jump in when there’s a complaint, though we understand you enjoy it. There is no greater joy than telling people they stink. We, the board, understand that. However, we are losing important people in the congregation because of this joy of telling people off in group form.
We lost another Layner. The Torah reader ran from shul when one guy corrected his ‘VaYomer,’ which was followed by the other members of the shul booing him and throwing candies at him.
 
There will be no more giving Bar Mitzvah guys their Parsha. It’s painful having to hear these guys go through puberty every year.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Get Out Your Anger on Rosh Chodesh By Hitting Things. How to Chase Potential Membership Away From the Shul. How to Never Advance After Your Bar Mitzvah: How to Layn One Parsha the Rest of Your Life Like Simcha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 9:6) ‘And you should know that not because of your righteousness H”, your Gd, gives you this good Land to possess it, for you're a stiff-necked people.’ Very stiff-necked. No agility in this congregation. Very poor movement... That’s where your anger comes from. I just heard a crick. Bernie’s neck again. A very stiff-necked congregation...
Of course it's Israel. Name another good land... Illionois has some good land. Nice grass. OK...
You've accomplished nothing. That's what Moshe is saying.
What have you done to deserve a decent babka? What? It’s for your ancestors... It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov that we get Israel and some good moist yeast cake.
It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov!!!
You guys mess up. You remember the golden calf?!...

No. It’s not because of you. It’s because of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. H liked them. Not you...
(Devarim 9:5) ‘In order to establish the word that H’ swore to your forefathers...’ Yes. That’s Avraham Yitzchak and Yaakov... At least H' sticks to His word. The board hasn't given me a raise in years...

It's not because of you. A nothing. A not help. Nothing you do is useful. For you? Exile. That's what's from you.
You've done nothing. 

Stiff necks. I see a bunch of stiff necks here. Let's take a moment and stretch...

Moshe reminds them what H' did for them in the desert (Devarim 8:2-4). 'Your garments did not wear out upon you and your feet did not swell up these 40 years.' And our congregants with the disheveled look. Is the untuck the new look in the shul? Unlaundered sports jackets. Unshined shoes... I'm sure their shoes were nicer than Pinny's. Even in the desert they got a better shine with the sand... Yes. You bring a sports jacket to the cleaners once in a while. H' had a better laundering service in the desert.
H'. It's Him who redeems.

You think H’ wants to redeem a people that bangs tables??? You'd break everything Kibbutz Lavi makes.
What was with the bang? How much force do you need to kill a fly?...
You’ve got to calm down with the table banging. The table Klopping is scary. And there was no reason... It’s not even Rosh Chodesh. Even if it is Rosh Chodesh, you don’t have to scare people into prayer. How much do you hate flies that you have to come down that hard?... You missed the thing. 
Even on Rosh Chodesh you scare people. How hard do you have to hit a table to remind people to say YaAleh vYavo?! From now on, we'll have signs. The anger expressed through coaching others to pray is way too much...

A people that doesn’t show respect to their ancestors. Bringing a sponge cake???
It was a pathetic Yahrzeit... I’m not suggesting to celebrate a Yahrzeit with a kegger. But a little bit of schnapps and a decent cake. It was sponge cake and doughnut holes. Not even the full doughnut... Their holes. 

But you're willing to attack others. Whenever there’s a complaint, the whole shul jumps in. We lost the Layner because one guy corrected him and then the rest of you blamed him for your mortgage going up.
We lost him because of you. That was because of you.
The excitement of blaming somebody is manifest. I have never seen people so happy to yell at an somebody who's helping them... You yelled at the guy for no reason. It's like you're addicted to blaming people. You get an itch. I saw you twitching until you yelled at the Layner... No. Shmuel. You're the reason the chairs broke. I've seen you smack chairs when you didn't have tables to hit...
Your like dogs pouncing. Any chance you have to gang up... Candy throwing as a sign of disapproval should only be done at Bar Mitzvahs...

Layining was painful today. Worse than our Chazin... I didn’t think that was possible. 
The Longest Layning. Every Parshat Ekev. It’s like having to hear this guy get Bar MItzvahed again. Every year... Ekev is long to begin with. You shouldn't Bar Mitzvah people this week.
I have to hear Bar Mitzvah speed every year from this guy... With the way you Layn, we would've never made it to Israel. Our whole people would've been stuck.
You would think Max would know how to read Hebrew by now... If you can't Layn another Parsha, you are not allowed to do your Parsha. You cause exile...

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi blamed our congregants for the golden calf.
I think Moshe is mad he didn't go to Israel.
At least the membership knows H' doesn't like them. I believe the rabbi reiterated that a bunch.

Always inspiring lessons from our rabbi.
I believe the lesson of the sermon was we don't deserve Israel. But we do deserve to have to deal with annoying people leading Davening and Layning.

I believe Max had a heart attack last year due to Rosh Chodesh Davening. It was the banging. The doctor said it was Shmuel's banging. Reminding Max to say YaAleh vYavo sent him to the ICU.

Baruch Moshe brought Entenmann’s for the Yahrzeit. It was sad and pathetic. One congregant even said that nobody gets an Aliyas Nishama with Entenmann’s. He suggested fresh baked goods and 20-year-old schnapps to help with an Aliyas Nishama.
The rabbi brought doughnuts to show everybody what a true doughnut looks like in full form. Baruch Moshe took credit for the doughnuts and said it was because of him the rabbi brought them. He acknowledged how good doughnuts are in non-cheap form, saying they should be for an Aliyas Nishama.

They truly go after people. Whenever there's a complaint they all jump in. It’s like an old British court with thousands of people yelling, 'Bew!!! Bew!!!' I think they just like getting out their anger. Not everybody can hit like Shmuel. He's truly a scary guy.
They don’t even have to agree. One parent suggested we start a soccer league for the children. Another parent said, ‘What are you talking about?!’ No reason for the attitude. It was a good idea. Next thing I saw, the whole group of parents ws yelling at the woman, ‘Are you an idiot?! Who comes up with ideas like that?!!!! You fool!!!’

Layning was painful. Everybody agreed with the rabbi's rule that if you can't Layn other Parshas, you can't do your Bar Mitzvah Parsha. It was the first thing the congregation agreed on since moist babka.
And he expected a gift. He does a painful Layning and he expects gifts. He doesn't want candy thrown at him. Just gifts. Forty years after his Bar Mitzavah, he still does that long ‘Amen!’

The how to chase potential members away from the shul class was given by the membership.

Announcements
Tu BAv is now and that means Simcha season. We ask our membership to learn how to dance. The Mayim BSason at the Yankelevitcz wedding was an embarrassment. And the amount of people that got caught under the bridge was an embarrassment. Our membership needs longer arms.
 
End of summer shul Shabbaton will take place in the Poconos. The rabbi is fine if you can’t come.
 
Shul aerobics classes will be cancelled. The Siddur lifting ruined some of the pages of the prayer books. It turns out, the jogging in place with a Havdalah candle in each hand did not fit fire code.
 
Mi Shebeyrachs will now be in song form only. We will be adding ten minutes to Davening.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Not Look Like an Idiot When Dancing. How Aerobics Got Our Community Heavier. How To Make Davening Longer By Singing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They create the cities of refuge. The first three cities of refuge on the other side of the Jordan... It’s to separate the people who do stupid stuff and end up killing their friend... Have you seen Yankel handle a pair of scissors? Lines are off. It's all crooked... And then Sarah Faigie in the kitchen? Accidents... She doesn't even hear the timer when it's not Shabbat...
For separation. This shul needs sections for people who are annoying. People you want to kill. You put them in the same section and they tell each other the bad jokes... Different cities. Places really far away. Like in Arizona...

(Devarim 4:41) ‘Then Moshe separated three cities...’ The Arei Miklat, cities of refuge were created.
After the commandments. Then we have places for people who mess up... You can’t mess up if there are no rules. It's like saying the board messed up at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Nobody cares...
I’m not suggesting freeze-tag. I know it has rules... I know the kids fight all the time, because they play games with no rules. Which is why I am very against Dungeons and Dragons. And everybody fights with the Gabai... Well get a system for Aliyahs... Maybe mark down that you called up Frank again. Twelve times in the past week. You called him up twelve times in the past week...

People who can’t dance. Put them together. It’s a town. A city of refuge for the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Nobody here can dance...
No. You can’t dance. You might as well have been doing aerobics. That’s how bad it looks... Even Zumba classes look better than the Horowitz kids breakdancing...
It’s Simcha dancing and it brings no happiness. You literally depressed all of the Shulman cousins at Zerach's Bar Mitzvah. Your middle of the circle dancing was sad. It was like a sad interpretative dance... At least the ones I see on Yom HaZikaron are meaningful. It was just sad. Where you lifting your leg or...
It's depressing watching this membership dance. You're walking in a circle with your hands on a guy's shoulders and you still mess it up... The Mayim BSason dance was horrendous. And then to get caught in the bridge. Pathetic.
If there was a city for all of you, at least you wouldn't depress other people who enjoy Simchas...

The end of summer shul Shabbaton will be happening in the Poconos... Somewhere...

Quarantine the people who can care less about Israel. Your rabbi said it...
When you do a Mishebeyrach for Israel it is done with a choir... Without a choir, you do not do a Mishebeyrach for the soldiers. You do it in song form.
Long MIsheyberaychs not for Israel, they get their own Minyin. Separate them.

People who like aerobics, they are allowed to join the people who can’t dance... Aerobics is just messed up looking dancing. I would rather look like a member of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah than kick around in leggings...
Our members doing aerobics is beyond pointless. I never saw a people get more out of shape from exercise... Aerobics is weird looking dancing. If you're with the members of our shul, trying to Simcha dance, you will look normal.
It's about being with your kind. And not depressing everybody with your patheticness...

These are the three cities on the other side of the Jordan, where they were encamping. Rashi teaches that Moshe wanted to get in the Mitzvah he could.
A Mitzvah this congregation can do would be to not show up to Talia’s Bat Mitzvah. You will just ruin it with your aerobics... Dancing. whatever you call it...

He wasn’t entering Eretz Yisrael, so he couldn’t introduce the cities there. But he could do this Mitzvah.
We learn from Moshe to do the Mitzvahs you can... The Mitzvah of setting up places where people can be safe and grow. Even when they've messed up bad, like the president of our shul. I believe it would be a Mitzvah for our congregants to allow your rabbi some refuge, to vacation in the Poconos and enjoy not seeing you...

Setting people up is a Mitzvah you should stay away from.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is proposing our whole membership flee to a city far away.
The rabbi was suggesting a refuge city where he can send the congregants and not see them. The rabbi suggested Arizona because he was worried that if the people who left were too close they would expect him to visit.

The Gabai truly has no system for calling up people for Aliyahs. Frank got an Aliyah the past six Shabbasim.
I believe the Gabai has memory loss. It's messed up when your Gabai starts forgetting stuff and the same guy is taking out the Torah, getting Aliyahs, carrying the Torah around and shaking people's hands on his way up to the Bima.

I don’t know what’s worse. The Simcha dancing or the depressing awkward smiles of our membership. Either way, if you want the bride and groom to be happy, don’t invite our members.
The rabbi showed Footloose to let our congregants know that other places have people who know how to dance and not look like fools. His point was that even these eighties dances looked better than Bernie walking in a circle.

I believe the rabbi hosted the Shabbaton all the way in the Poconos because he didn't want anybody to come. He wanted a little summer getaway. He didn't even say where it was. He just said 'Poconos.' The announcements didn't even have a signup abilities.
After the shul's last Shabbaton, where the Mark asked, 'Why did I go on a Shabbaton away from the shul to not get away from the other members,' I didn't think the rabbi would be able to convince anybody to go on this one. Penina called it a scam. She claimed the rabbi was scamming them and he was just trying to make more money, even after they had paid dues.

The rabbi truly does not like aerobics.
Aerobics was just one more thing our congregants can’t do well. The rabbi exclaimed, 'It’s meant for out of shape people and we still can’t do it.'

The depression caused by messed up smiles and horrific dancing is nothing compared to when Shaindel sets up the single people in our community. The despair on the faces of the single people when they have to break up with Shaindel, because she is hurt, as the matchmaker, has kept the singles of our community from dating the past three years. They’re not afraid of marriage and commitment. They’re afraid they’re going to let Shaindel down. Which means Shaindel crying.

Very inspirational. The Mishebeyrach song with a choir for the soldiers leaves a strong feeling of care. In support of Israel, I'm going to start going to musicals more.

Announcements
Speaker from Israel will be here this week to tell you shouldn't be here. The rabbi felt it important the congregants hear this message.

We are asking congregants to smile. That might help people feel like they are liked. That might help bring some peace this Tisha BAv.

As the fast will be happening and our members get worried when they skip a meal, the shul will have a doctor with an IV on-site.

Shul aerobic classes will start next week. We understand our membership is very out of shape. This is why we‘re hosting aerobics classes at shul. Our members can’t keep up with the ninety-year-olds at the gym. The JCC asked our members stop coming due to their breathing patterns. For the same reason, the rabbi is asking people to stop Davening the Amidah. The breathing is too loud during the silent prayer.

The Israel support meeting will happen this week. We are going to focus on meetings, as we know people will not give money.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Move to Israel and Leave Our Shul. How to Not Look Like You’re Mad at Everyone. How to Not Breathe Like You’re About to Pass Out. How to Do More than Start a Committee.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Let me summarize Moshe’s words. ‘I detest you as people...’ No. He didn’t have to deal with congregants of this shul.
(Devarim 1:25-28) Moshe tells them the spies, the good ones, came back and said the land was good. ‘Took in their hands from the fruit...’ It was good fruit. Ever had an Israeli kumquat?!... I don’t know if they brought those, but they’re good.
‘The land is good, and you didn’t want to go. You were like members of Anshei Emes uSefilah who didn’t go on the shul trip. You rebelled H’ like the Chazin who takes a really long time to finish the repetition of the Amidah. And you slandered like the Pinskowitzs who don’t appreciate their rabbi...’
I'm paraphrasing Moshe. I don't know if he knew Bernie. Point is you slander when you do something wrong. It starts with a little thing, like comfort and then it turns into hate and fear. And then you don’t want to visit Israel and United cancels their flights....

It’s about taking that plunge. Being in Israel is the right thing. It's a good land. But you all have excuses. And those excuses turn to fear. And fear turns into your rabbi having to deal with Bernie and Fran. Kiddishes that have nothing more than Kichel...

The guest speaker is right. You should be in Israel... If his speeches are successful, you won't be here... You still have to pay dues...

(Devarim 1:29-30) Moshe reminds them that he told them, ‘Do not be broken and do not fear them. H’... He will make war for you like all he did for you in Mitzrayim.’
You forget. You forget how H' protects you. You forget the shul Shabbaton where I kicked out the Chazin for singing too much... I did that for you. And I will do that on the shul trip to Israel...
A relationship is destroyed when you don’t remember. No trust. And that is why your members of the shul and not of my family...

It's an outlook. It's fear which builds up with much time of forgetting H'. You forget H' and you start to come up with excuses for being annoying members. Then you hate... At least you cause a lot of hatred. When you tell the bad jokes, Sim...

You depress people here.
So depressing in this place... Giving a sermon to you... When you snarl at people, they think you don't like them... That's not an excuse. To say that anger is your regular look is not an excuse. You're the reason for hatred.
Let's try to smile together... Your smiles truly do look bad. The look of depression is more fitting our congregants...

Please stop interrupting the sermon. The loud breathing in a listening state of our congregants is disturbing... I couldn't even focus on the Amidah. Your breathing kills Kavanah... The Amidah should be no saying the words out loud or breathing.
This congregation is too out of shape to Daven. The back left is too out of shape to pray for good health. It's messed up. I'm shocked you can even make it to shul...
The aerobics classes are Zoomba... So, they’re Asur. I don’t know. So, they're just for women. 
I just know you can’t go Bernie... It’s for women only. I’ve seen you looking at the women’s side at the weddings recently. You want to chase the women away from aerobics too???... I think they’re doing Zoomba there. Not sure... You don't need to bring your own step. We have steps in the sanctuary, on the way up to the Aron Kodesh. The Bima in front of the ark has a lot of stairs...

You fear even losing your money... You're worried about your retirement... You should retire to Israel... I know it costs more. 
At least give money to Israel... Money is also a form of giving. I know nobody in this shul believes that you can do more than be part of a committee... You can make decisions for good without a meeting. You don't need to be part of a board to participate in showing up to Shacharit on time...
Having a meeting does not mean you did anything... Yes. I said it... I didn't say to give money to the Federation. The Federation is in Topeka, not Israel. How do you give to Israel when you're giving to Topeka???

It's all about fear. The reason you don't want to go to Israel. It's fear. It's fear because you forgot H'. You forgot H' and you remembered your money. And you forgot my class on repentance last week... Nobody showed for that... Stop crying about Tisha BAv. Cry for the destruction of our people. Cry for a day where people are in good enough shape to not dusturb my Davening. The Federation...

Calm down with the Kinot. Lamentations are not more painful than the fast... I know nobody understands them. You're not supposed to understand prayer. That's why we call it Tefillah...

(Devarim 1:37) Moshe tells the people, ‘It’s because of you I am not going to Israel.’ And you are why we had to cancel the shul stay in the Citadel Hotel... 
I will do a Kinah about that.

Rivka's Rundown
As the rabbi said, it’s this fear that keeps us out of Israel. It’s the lack of trust in H’. This is the reason why the rabbi hasn't had a decent shawarma in two years.
The rabbi said everybody in the shul is full of fear. The congregants fear showing up to shul on time. They fear they might have to pray. Everybody fears the Chazin might show up. The whole of the membership fears smiling.

Rabbi brought in somebody from Israel to tell us he wants us out of Topeka. I think he is trying to get rid of the congregation and using the Torah to do it. The Israel message the speaker was giving over was right and I agree. We should be in Israel. But the following week with the rabbi told us we should move to Montreal. I am still trying to figure out if the rabbi cares about Israel or not having to deal with Bernie.

I don't know how still paying dues after moving to Israel makes sense. Truth is our shul has raised no money for Israel the past year. I believe we're the only congregation to give nothing. Fear will definitely keep your money in Topeka.

​Our shul truly is the most depressing place to go. It’s always a Tisha BAv feeling in our shul. That’s the ambiance we’re going for. The Tisha BAv kind of ambiance.
Smiling doesn't help. The rabbi brought in a dentist. The dentist said he can't do anything about the smiles. Suggested it's better the congregation doesn't smile. For a second opinion the rabbi brought in an orthodontist. The orthodontist felt so bad. He said it will depress people more if the congregants smiled. He ended up giving a donation to shul, feeling so bad that he might have had something to do with the disgusting teeth and hygiene of the community. Dr. Friedberg, the orthodontist, is now in therapy, post traumatic teeth of Anshei Emes uSefilah disorder. I believe the Dr. Friedberg fears coming back to our shul.
When asked why they haven't been to an orthodontist, every man in the back left said, 'I haven't even paid my dues.'

We need to lose weight. The breathing is off in our shul. Aerobics will help. I didn't understand why we needed Zoomba classes. Then the rabbi pointed to Shimon and said, 'That's what you look like when you dance the Hora.'
Fast Davening can help with the aerobic aspects of Davening. We need more people focusing on the sitting and standing. More of an aerobic focus. More circling around the shul with the Torha. The kid chasing in shul is good aerobics.
I still think more Simcha dancing can help. Just nobody wants to go to more weddings. With the due, wedding gifts and trips the rabbi is suggesting, nobody in our congregation will ever be able to afford and orthodontist.

The rabbi's words of not understanding Kinot were greatly appreciated by all. They finally understood why they come to shul and pray in Hebrew that is not Biblical or modern.
They get so worried in our shul about not eating on a fast day, Chana Leah printed up a Kinah (lamentation) about not eating for twenty-five hours. She insisted everybody read it along with the Kinot about the destruction of the Temples and the genocide of our people. The part about 'Oh. To thine cheese that hasth melted. Werehast thy goneth,' was quite touching.

The Jewish Federation now hates our rabbi. They told him that money raised for Israel should go to Israelis in America. And then the rabbi said, 'Having a meeting doesn't mean you did anything.' That hurt the congregants as a whole. Now the board that hasn't put in money for a paint job in the shul for the past thirty-five years is questioning what being Jewish is about. To quote Shaindel, a committee member who is part of every committee, 'What is Judaism without committees?'
Meetings need more action was not a message that spoke to our congregants. They feel like they’re giving by talking with their friends. Which is true if you're unemployed.
At the Israel support meeting the congregants were adamant that they will do anything and give anything but money. After much deliberation, they decided wanted to give by having more meetings.

Tisha BAv services in shul were very long. The rabbi talked for hours during the Kinot services about the Temple being destroyed because of hatred of fellow man, and how we should use the day to internalize peace amongst our people. With the long prayers and the long fast mixed together, people got very antsy. Fights broke out. Much fear of having to hear the rabbi talk more was expressed by the congregation.

Announcements
The front lock to the shul is now good for use on Shabbis. Many people have asked how they can break in during non-office hours. Now, with Hebrew, you can break in even on Shabbis. And you won’t be breaking the laws of Shabbis as you do on your way home.
 
We’re honoring the Schonefelds for being the most classy members of our congregation. They have not eaten at Kiddish all year. That's class.
 
The rabbi has decided that he will be learning the laws of Shabbat with the congregants at Shalishudis. He said it is at the point that the congregants should know how to sin with more Kavanah.
 
We are looking for sponsors of the Chumashim we already bought.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Use a Lock By Knowing Hebrew: Breaking Into Shul Would Be A Good Thing For Some of You. How to Not Eat at Kiddish and Look Like a Normal Human Who’s Relaxed Around Choolante: Not Hurting the Elderly for Kugel. How to Raise More Money Off Something You Already Raised Money On.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s been two long Parshas... I don’t know why they put them together. It was probably somebody in this shul. The president likes making things painful for everybody.

The real question is if Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe did the right thing staying on the other side of the Jordan. Not entering Israel... If the Pinskowitz family stayed in Iowa and didn’t move to Topeka, I think we would have all been fine with that...
(Bamidbar 32:6-15) Moshe compares it to the Meraglim (spies), letting them know that not going the full way can cause the destruction of the people... I don't think we've ever had a successful community trip to Israel. Every trip gets cancelled due to safety... Look at this community. The fact that it's here, in Topeka. Destroyed. This is what happens when you don't move to Israel. Bernie... Do you not like Israel?... Sending money is not enough. I've seen how much you donate to the shul. Israel can't survive on falafel balls for dinner every night...

(Bamidbar 32:17-19) They commit. ‘We will arm ourselves ... we shall return to our homes until the Children of Israel will have inherited...’
No matter how disconnected they were, Reuven and Gad knew they had to fight with their people.
This congregation shares the characteristics of the tribes of Gad and Reuven. This shul is very disconnected. If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos-Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. I also feel like it's still going on... Because you're still talking like it's in the middle of Torah reading. At least show respect for the sermon... He's still trying to find Matos. Matos goes into Masai... Masai Yistimu HaPeh Shelahem (I think this means shut up)...
The only difference is the members of this shul never help... Even inter-shul baseball play was a failure this year. Again. Because nobody backed up the plate... Nobody is ever there to help. You always overthrow...

One thing that is not deniable. They were there to fight
Are we fighting with our brethren now?!... Posting to war on Facebook is not the same as... You lost a friend on Facebook. Stop saying you lost a friend...

This guy is still fighting for more safety in shul. Sometimes it's not about just your safety. It's about everybody... How much safety do you need? A Shabbis lock is still a locked door...
It's called a Shabbis lock because you can use it on Shabbis. If I have to explain this one more time. It's not to keep Shomer Shabbis Jews out. It's so that you can use it on Shabbis... You don't even keep Shabbis.
The shul Shabbis lock with transliterated Hebrew is not safe. If half of our congregants can get in on Shabbis, there is something wrong with the code... Antifa doesn't read Hebrew. Except for Molly in the far-right section over there... That's you under that mask, terrorizing Jewish students. Still convinced that part of hating Jews is attacking them... Hating your fellow Jew is more about complaining about how they had a bad Kiddish for their son's Bar Mitzvah...
Beforehand you were using an electric pad on Shabbat... No. That’s not good... Then learn Hebrew. We don’t want random people who need transliteration. We have enough congregants stuck on transliterating... It's not a left-wing thing to support transliteration...
It should be an incentive to learn Hebrew.
If you look at the back left section, they're still trying to find the page for the Torah reading... We finished reading Matos and Masai twenty minutes ago... I know it was long. Learn to read Hebrew pages. I still don't know why we can't get Chumashim that have numbers that are not in Hebrew letters. Nobody is trying to break into a Chumash...

The Schonefelds are classy. That do stuff for the Jewish people... That’s class. Stuffing your face with free choolante and babka is not class.
Class is not eating at Kiddish. It's simple. You don't eat at Kiddish. You stand and talk. You're classy. Classy people don't eat in public... Taking a plate of Kichel home is the next level of non-classy. Smart and economic. Great way to get something out of your dues. Not classy.

What do we learn? We have to choose correctly, or we might cause the destruction of our people. 'What do we learn' is the question...
Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata is a Sefer about the laws of Shabbis. I don't think anybody cares about that... You break those laws all the time. Anybody want to learn about how they are sinners? So, Misilat Yesharim?... Nobody knows what that is?! Then why did you vote for it???!!!
I think we’ll just learn Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. You guys have no idea how to vote... You voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata four times last week... Because you forgot each time. You forgot you voted for Shmirat Shabbat KHilchata. Then you voted for it again. Then I checked to make sure that's what you wanted, and you didn’t raise your hand again. The next time I asked, to be sure, Mark asked, 'What's that?' I explained. 'That's the one about Shabbis. The one you just voted for.' Mark says, ‘Oh. I want that one’... Watching you guys make decisions for the community is watching the destruction of our people. I'll choose...
The Schonefelds didn't vote. Class...

Yes. We bought the Chumashim already with donation monies. But does that mean we shouldn’t have somebody paying for them again... That’s the point of the sponsor. I haven’t had a raise in...

Rivka's Rundown
That’s how I judge a classy person. If they don’t eat at Kiddish, they’re classy.

The rabbi got cheers when he said, ‘It's been two long Parshas.’ The congregants finally felt like somebody heard them.

The rabbi is correct. Nobody ever helps. If congregants helped, maybe we would see our shul with a better softball team. A non-destroyed team. I have no idea why we're called the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Lions. Nobody in our congregation is talented enough to come up with a cheer that long. We should just be called the Lions. It's also embarrassing to go through the shul's name and to be associated which such an untalented squad.
We've lost a lot of potential members when people found out the Lions were part of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. I heard one potential member say, 'They are definitely not praying for health.' Shlomo didn't even make it to first base on that walk. Truth is, I don't think our membership would be of any help in war. Not even standing on the sides cheering them on.
 
Now you can only break into the shul if you know Hebrew. They didn’t even use script on the lock. It’s the Hebrew font you see on the computer.
The rabbi was right about the safety thing. These people care so much about their own safety. They forget about their people. If Jews can't break into a shul on Shabbis, do we have a community?! We have happy people. But not community.

People didn't want to learn about how they are sinners. They were worried that was going to push them to have an internal wanting to learn Shemirat Shabbat KHilchata. They figured that if they just learned the Shabbis Sefer they wouldn't get guilted into learning something else.
It took a while to decide what we learn. A few weeks ago, we decided, and then we decided again four times on the next vote where we forgot we already decided to learn about Shabbat. The rabbi decided and he finally started this Shabbat. Finally, the rabbi opened up the Sefer and started learning. We all just watched. We didn’t learn a thing. We just watched. I thought the idea was to learn this together at Shalishudis.
Zalman, the one congregant full of pride for his rabbi, announced, ‘In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.'

It seems our congregants like the act of voting. They like the idea that they're part of the decision-making process. No idea what's going on, but they still vote. This is why they voted on the Shabbis lock with letters they can't read.
Having to hear them complaining and blaming the shul for them not being able to read Hebrew was painful. The shul did whatever they can to make it easier to break in. In the end, they wrote the code in Roman numerals.

Now we're sponsoring shul days. We sponsor everything now. It feels like every day is Yom Kippur.
Sponsored Chumashim??? Somebody already bought them. Now they're getting somebody to donate them again. They paid for the Chumashim and now somebody has to pay for them again. They get me every time with these sponsorships. I sponsored Kiddish two weeks ago to find out somebody else also lost a grandparent. It's a scam.
From now on, I'm going to sponsor on a contingency. I eat so much at Kiddish, just to get my money’s worth. I’m not classy.

The class on how to raise more money by raising money for something you already raised money for was a huge success. It turned into a panel with every board member who shared a different angle on how to take money from people for an organization that doesn't need it.

I don't think anything can destroy our shul. Our community is so messed up already.

Announcements
Please be nice to the kids visiting for the summer song choir program. You may not want to invite them for Shabbat lunch, as they will want to sing Zemirot. Nonetheless, smile at them. They're not used to seeing angry older people. They have hope.

For shul renovations we’re asking congregants to go to other shuls.

Do not say the whole Monday or Thursday Tachnun. You will rightfully be hated by the congregation.The rabbi has stated that skipping prayers is fine, especially if you’re the Chazin. As long as you don’t slow down the congregation you won’t be hated.

We are asking people to come together and protest the Gabai.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Three Weeks of Mourning and How Our Congregants Caused It. How to Do Renovations to Draw Members to Your Shul By Telling Them To Go To Other Shuls. How to Lead Davening Like Yankel and Make People Late To Work.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. After a plague there’s a new census... We should’ve done a census after the wet Kugel Kiddish affliction... It was disgusting...

(Bamidbar 26:54) ‘For the numerous one increase his inheritance, and for the fewer one you shall lessen...’ Than have more kids.
Rashi teaches the amount of land was divided according to the numbers. The places were divided through Ruach HaKodesh... It doesn’t take divine inspiration to count members of a tribe.
The way Moishie does his math. The worst third grader I’ve ever seen. Can’t even lineup Popsicle sticks right. It would be divine intervention for that kid to add ice pop holders...
Why more for the greater numbers? Sometimes, people need space... I sit up here, on the Bima, because I am trying to get away from the congregants...

It’s about fairness sometimes... I don't know what that means. But it's about it. Fairness.
When you’re part of a community, there is fairness...

Tzelafchad’s daughters stated (Bamidbar 27:3) ‘Our father died in the wilderness (was not part of Korach’s crew), and he had no sons. Why should the name of our father be omitted from within his family, because he has no sons? Give us an inheritance among our father’s brothers.’ We all know that sons are not always a blessing. Look at the Lefkowitz sons. Sitting in the back left of the shul... I don't know Tzelafchad very well...
And this is how women got the vote. This is how women served in the army. And this is why the sisterhood refuses to help with Kiddish... Then why do we have a sisterhood?... You take up space. You should do something. Fairness. 

We must separate correctly. We must be just in how we divide what we do in this congregation. That is how we unify. Space. Not sitting next to Bernie...
We have a responsibility to each other. Like the daughters of Tzelafchad brought to our attention. We all deserve our spot in the community... Not if you're annoying.
The responsibilities of the congregants...

You have a responsibility to smile. To at least not depress everybody.
You need somebody to tell you to smile at people... They’re kids at a singing camp. They’re not used to seeing angry Jews... or Jews that go to shul.
Count the angry people here. Each angry person is less numerous a member... That was Biblical English. Translated. You chase away members. You make people not want a portion in this shul... Because you're angry.

Tzelafchad’s daughters deserve a place to live... They didn't mess up the land with their renovations like Malkie...

Renovating the membership was my idea. I did not suggest to renovate the whole place and kick people out... That’s how you lose members.
We don't even need renovations to chase away members. They just have to meet the board... A lot of anger.

When they partitioned the land, it was a beautiful moment. People were happy they had a piece of Israel. 
Nobody is happy in this shul because nobody smiles and Davening takes so long.
Nobody says the full Monday and Thursday Tachnun, except you. I've timed it... It’s fine. Skipping Tachnun is fine.
You would get no land. Nobody would want to listen to you. You even said the full Brich Shemey... You skip to Bei Ana Rachitz. Everybody skips to Bei Ana Rachitz... You get to the song. Nobody understands the Tefillah anyways, Baruch...

Will anybody take Pinchas’ place and hurt the Gabai...
If there was more space. If I didn't have to see the congregants... At this point, I want to thank the board for kicking everybody out of the shul for renovations. 
Sometimes it's about more than numbers. I'm trying to make a point. Any daughters of Tzelafchad willing to help out here...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi is truly trying to get away from us. He even moved the Chazin's seat down to the general men's section. Put the Chazin and the president right next to Bernie. Now they have huge tall back chairs with gigantic armrests on each side of Bernie. It looks off. Though, the rabbi is happy he has space, and he doesn't need to be near anybody.

They haven’t smiled at a guest in years. The rabbi is right. People run from these depressed people in our shul. I appreciated the rabbi letting the congregants know not to ruin the hope of Jewish children with meeting our congregants.
You don't want to see Bernie smile. He's been smoking cigars for eighty years.

I didn’t invite the choir kids for Shabbis. I can’t stand extended Zemirot with harmony.

What was that shul renovation announcement? Are they truly looking to renovate the membership? Nothing was said about an amount of time. It seemed to just be an announcement to not see congregants ever.
The idea of asking congregants to go to other shuls didn’t pan out well. The board was trying to figure out why we lost so many members.
They scaled back the renovations from last week to just be scrolls. Some board members suggested they still renovate the rabbi.

One guy leading services once said the whole Thursday extended Tachnun. He got booed. You skip certain Tefillahs. Everybody who goes to shul knows that. Only people who don't pray say the whole thing.
Tefillahs you skip:
The long Tachnun
That Rosh Chodesh thing after Shir Shel Yom
VYiten LCha
Anything on Yom Kippur other than the Amidah
Brich Shemey
Wednesday Shir Shel Yom

People can’t stand the Gabai. I don't know what he did to deserve a protest against him. He might have told someone they can't come up for an Aliyah to the Torah if they haven't been called.

Announcements
Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school.
 
As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal.
 
It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit.
 
We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once.

Rabbi Mendelchem's  Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes...
When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie.
The question is who sees the sword...

Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you...

And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima...
(Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters...

(Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’
Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you.
When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. 
Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals.

(22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock.
This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten...
It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking...
The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important...

Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast...
The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. 

The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot...

Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery.

We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... 
Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that.

'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance.

The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse.
He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping.

Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul.
They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board.
The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement.
When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee.

Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president.

I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish.

They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul.
That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent.
The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent.
The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody.
Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me.

How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough.
Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah.

The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ 
The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam.