Announcements
Please show up for Kaddish. First Kaddish on Shabbat is at 9am. Kiddish is at 11:30am. Though you may have to hear a joke from Mervin when eating Kichel, Kiddish is not suppposed to be part of the mourning process. We're going to be installing our congregants. We understand that each person needs the Kavod of an instillation to show up to Minyin. We will install whatever you need by your seats, to make it comfortable for you to be in shul. We will even install a new AV system so you can enjoy a decent film during Davening. Just be there for Kaddish. The rabbi kept track of who didn't show for Shiva. He knows who you are and you will not get Aliyahs. To be clear Shiva times are all day. That means all day. That means you won't get a an invitation. The rabbi is mourning. You show up and comfort him. He has requested that Mervin not tell any jokes, as he is already going through a lot. The fundraiser raised $300K. Thanks to your donations we can now purchase the new light bulbs for the sanctuary. We forgot to announce Mother's Day. Now they know who truly cares. Call you mothers now. If we have to tell you to call your mother, there is an issue. The rabbi can't call his mom. Maybe you should stop by his house for Shiva. Rabbi Mendelchem Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Nasso. Carried. Escorted. How you bury somebody... We count in this week's Parsha. You can't count your mother when she is not in this physical world. So here you are. You haven't shown up to my house for Shiva... It's good to know you care about Kiddish. If I had Kichel to celebrate my Mom's death, you would come. I am sorry we didn't have a decent enough spread at the Shiva... Well. The membership never learned to provide mourners with food... I've been eating canned peas and TV dinners all week... I didn't think of becoming a chef at my Mom's Shiva... Then people would come. If we stopped doing Kiddish, you wouldn't show for shul. Nobody would be able to say Kaddish... Because there wouldn't be Kiddish, Sadie... You forget the past. You forget community. You forget to visit your rabbi when he's sitting Shiva... There are requirements. Things you do, as they are important. Holy. You would expect... The Levites were counted from thirty to fifty. Not from twenty. It is holy work. You don't let teenagers lead in Shacharit... These teenagers Daven too slow, Mark. And you don't ask teens to make Shiva food... One kid delivered a pizza. It was half hour late. Ever had room temperature pizza... You wonder why the army is so messed up. Carrying the Mishkan is holy work... That's the Tabernacle. I'll give you a list of words you should know, Shlomo. One of them is Shiva. It's when you pay respects and comfort the living family members... It's in a house. Not the Tabernacle. Kohens are a whole other story... The Levite physical work of carrying the Mishkan could've been done when they were twenty. However, it is holy. And thus, you have to be a bit older. This is why we don't trust our kids with decorating the sanctuary. Balloons??!!! It looks like a pinata... That's supposed to be the Ner Tamid... A shul has to focus on its elders. Spiritual happens when you're older. Look at Max. He used to be a heretic. Now he comes to shul... I know it was for Kaddish. This shul needs to focus more on death... Not Kiddish. Kaddish. It's about keeping things in place. Making sure we connect... (Bamidbar 4:32) Rashi ' There were pegs and ropes for the bottom of the curtains and the hangings so that the wind should not lift them up.' You don't have balloons flying around the shul, all up in the ceiling. You hold things down. Roots. Old people. You respect them. You listen to Mervin's jokes. You eat Kichel. You show up to Shiva... Do I still have to explain what all day means? Does anybody celebrate Shiva not during 3 and 4pm... Zoom??? It's not a video. We're not putting together a film. It's not a Zoom event. It's a Shiva. For the sake of... You don't have to be thirty to go to a Shiva house. Though. It would be nice if the thirty-year-olds took upon themselves the holy task of visiting during Shiva... Even if there wasn't a decent spread. Bernie... Even if they're not Leviim. That's the lesson. The being older and more mature. Doing holy stuff... Yes. I am saying that everybody can do holy stuff... Not in the Temple... If I had a better membership, I could give an example. I am sorry Vicky. (Bamidbar 4:32) 'You shall designate by name the implements charged to them for their burden.' When it comes to holy tasks, you designate. Otherwise, you end up with a pinata as your Ner Tamid. Without designating, you end up with three hundred thousand dollar light bulbs. And you end up with no food for Shiva... Your designated task is to visit your rav... Rivka's Rundown That was a dark sermon. Most of the membership didn't catch the difference between Kiddish and Kaddish. At one point, Ethel was trying to figure out why they weren't serving rugulach during Kaddish. And nobody visited the rabbi for his last two days of Shiva. Our whole congregation is COVID stupid. They don't understand what 'all the time' means. Ever since Zoom and COVID Shiva is only during times. Half hour Shiva slots. The office had to answer calls every five minutes, 'If it's all the time, then what time do we go?' The rabbi kept track of the Shiva no-shows. Good for him. He's going to save a lot of money on wedding gifts. The rabbi skipped everything this week. Even after Shiva. I guess mourning takes longer than seven days. He is now praying for a Minyin, so he can say Kaddish. The shul should designate people to pray. A bunch of heretics in our shul. The rabbi is right. We need more people saying Kaddish. People felt like they got scammed in the fundraiser. 300k for light bulbs. The president of the board has been accused of siphoning the funds. I forgot Mother's Day. None of my kids called. Our shul has kids doing too much. Decorating the synagogue with streamers and balloons for Shavuot was messed up. This is why you need older people for holy activities. If the older people weren't lazy, we might have had flowers for Shavuot. Maybe they would visit for Shiva too. Have you ever seen a young person at a Shiva? It's awkward. You've got to focus on the young person. ‘How do we make them feel comfortable when Mom and Dad just went to Olam Haba???’ Got to see the kid, as if we’re ruining their day. They're itching to run to the mall with their friends. If they miss the sale, that will kill them. Maybe it's the jumpy house they're running to. They actually put a TV screen by Shlomo's seat. He gets a notice when it's time to answer Kaddish. Three hundred thousand dollars for light bulbs?! I have a feeling these non-profits are scamming us. And they didn't even put names on the light bulbs. The rabbi vowed to teach the membership of the congregation to purchase bagels and lox, and to bring it to a Shiva house. To quote the rabbi, 'Topeka is not a great place to sit Shiva.' He also said that any thirty-year-old should be fine purchasing lox. If they can't handle and eat lox by that age, they are not Jewish. That's what the rabbi said. The rabbi convinced the board to focus on death. He explained that people donate money for dead people. The rabbi said that the new chapter of the shul is to stop focusing on the kids and to focus on death, for the capital campaign. Now the shul has started a calendar campaign with Alav HaShalom pictures, and a death committee. The rabbi just wants to make Topeka a great place to sit Shiva. A Shiva destination. He purchased Shiva recliner chairs. Many families can't wait to sit. Tags:
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Announcements
The community Lag BOmer marshmallows were Paskesz. You should all know you had a religious Jewish experience eating the marshmallows, even if most of our community thought it was a good idea to sing folk songs by the fire pit. Our board would like to officially apologize for the people who brought their guitars. Especially the classic guitar. We assure you all that the rabbi has sat with them and they now know that the only songs that are allowed to be sung at a bonfire are Carlebach songs. Yom Yerushalayim is this coming Thursday night. As nobody in the community knows what it is, we won't celebrate it. The weather committee would like to announce that the shul air-conditioning has been fixed and is working. It will be very hot in shul this Shabbis. We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel, and for their safety. With that in mind, don't go to Israel this summer. Show your solidarity by vacationing in The Mountains. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Exerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It is the Jubilee year and nobody is jubilizing. Everybody is worried about what to eat. The same way we must worry about what is going to be with Kiddish after the horrific Berkman Bat Mitzvah. And after you found out that two bags of Paskesz marshmallows is not enough for a community Lag BOmer... You can't jubilize when you have food rationing... We're living in 2023 America. If you don't have leftovers, nobody is happy. You can't jubilize with one rugulach, Bernie! What is everybody worried about? (Vayikra 25:19) If you follow the laws of Shmita and Yovel 'the land will give fruit and you will eat to satisfaction, and you will dwell securely upon it.' There is no security when you have a board that can't figure out that people like to eat. Would anybody have kept the laws without food?! H' promises us food. This is why we listen to Him. There is no reason to listen to the president of the shul. Do not listen. He supports the worst Kiddishes. His anniversary party didn't even have sour cream and onion dip. No jubilee there. You can't jubilate with the president of our shul. And there is no security guard this Shabbis... Just saying, Mark. And it wasn't during Yovel (the jubilee year)... If you believed in Gd, Mr. President, we would have more food. Good religious Jews have more food. Why? Gd provides. That's why the Frum shul has potato kugel every week... It's from H'... If you served better food, we wouldn't have lost the two families last year. Membership would be up and there would be lox spread... Gd provides. Yes. Gd provides. It's not just a saying. Gd provides Kichel and marshmallows... If you would've had smores, there would've been jubilating... It's about being fair. H' is fair. Hence, we trust Him. (Vayikra 25:21) The sixth year will give fruit for three years. I feel like we're suffering a famine in this congregation. With a marshmallow Lag BOmer and that horrific Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, I'm thinking that I should not come to shul for three years... The land goes back to the ancestral heritage. You don't sell land forever because we are only sojourners. That doesn't mean to not mow your lawn. You're still responsible for your house... The world is H's and it is owned by Him... It's not like an apartment rental. You have to fix your own faucet... You can pray to H' that you don't get a leak. On Yom Yerushalayim we praise Gd... Because He gave Jerusalem to us. Why I have to explain this?! I'm talking to AmAratzim. A bunch of Apikorsim in this place... We now celebrate Yom Yerushalayim this week. Let us jubilate with more food. We are going to have a food committee that has nobody from the board on it... Because all of you members of the board make bad decisions, like Tzimis, and you are annoying... It was a board member that rationed marshmallows on Lag BOmer... If he has money or somebody pays for the land, you give it back early. But he has to pay... (Vayikra 25:27) '...shall reckon the years of his sale and return the remainder to the man that he sold it to.' You can't rip people off. The housing rentals in Topeka are crazy... It's Topeka Bernie. Nobody makes 5K a month... You can't go knocking on the door at Pilgrimage Boulevard. You sold that house... Topeka is not Israel... We are not Mormon... It's the selfishness and lack of giving that has caused for no jubilation in this congregation. We must give a decent amount of food to enjoy Yom Yerushalayim... No rationing falafel balls. Fairness comes when you understand it is not yours. When you understand that Kiddish isn't yours. When you understand that nobody wants you to sing at a bonfire. When you learn about Yom Yerushalayim. You jubilate with Paskesz... Paskesz candies are religious. Sadie. They are part of our tradition... I am sweating. Hence there is no joy... Ancestral heritage without a decent AC unit? Gd would never have done that... The land was returned with AC. You didn't take the unit with you when you left... And go to Israel... Even for Yom Yerushalayim. How do we celebrate Israel by not going??? Exactly. I don't understand the board of our shuls... I know they have Paskesz in The Mountains. You get Osem in Israel.... Stop worrying about money. The shul raised 300k last month. That should've covered a third bag of marshmallows. That should cover a jubilee. Where is the money? Chazak Chazak vNitzchazek. Be strong and there will be food... I am moving to Israel. I'm sick of this AmAratzut... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi didn't move to Israel. He said he has more inheritance in America. Even so, he was mad about nobody visiting Israel. He noted that if the nonJews of Topeka knew what Jews were, it would be dangerous in Topeka, and there would be no Paskesz. The shul raises money and then they charge for everything. I think they just raise money to raise it. When the rabbi now goes to a Simcha, if there isn't a good spread, he notes they're godless people. The Hendelmans didn't have a smorgasbord. The rabbi told me they're heretics. If you believe in Gd you will trust that He will provide food for all the guests, and there will be enough for you for the next three years. That's unless it's a Kiddish by one of our congregants, a holiday with our board, or a Hendelman Simcha. Yes. The shul has a weather committee. At the beginning of their meetings they watch the news and look at the ten day forecast. Then they discuss who is going to come and who is not. And they still have no idea how to work the AC unit. They've called the weather station to get the anchor to announce a snowstorm so people would come to shul. They figured that if the congregants couldn't go to the lake, in fear of an incoming storm, they would go to shul. It turns out that even when our congregants have nothing to do, they would rather not go to shul. AC has been fixed. Meaning, a new unit has been installed. The weather committee did the finances, and they realize it's too expensive to run the unit. The casing of the AC unit looks nice. A beautiful white coat. The rabbi created a new rule that you have to serve Paskesz at all shul events, so that we can go to Shamaim. To quote the rabbi, 'Heaven is lined with Paskesz soursticks.' All members of the shul cancelled their Israel trips. Thanks to the shul announcements, Israel lost a hundred thousand dollars. They listened to the rabbi and there were three falafel balls a person at the Yom Yerushalayim celebration. It was still pathetic. No jubilating. There was no Tahini. Tags:
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Announcements
Don't be a Chilul H'. We ask the members of our community to mow their lawns. It would appear that most of our membership is not aware that grass grows in the spring, even when it's on their front lawn. A neighbor came to the rabbi and said they are starting to hate Jews because of weeds. Your dandelions are causing antisemitism. Lag BOmer marshmallows in a fire pit. That is the event this year. There will be no bows and arrows. As we learned last year, bonfires with bows and arrows is dangerous. Marshmallows makes the arrows more dangerous. The Jazz Festival falls out on Lag BOmer. We want to thank the city council for finally scheduling something that works with our holiday. The Comedy Festival during Tisha BAv was not well attended by Jews last year, and the town board was offended. No more creative Kiddishes. Just because it is somebody's Simcha, does not give them the right to serve vegetarian choolante. Due to the Berkman Kiddish last week, we have decided that all Kiddishes must either have meat or a full hot pasta buffet with cheesecake. As a community, we would like to take back our Mazel Tov on the Berkman Bat Mitzvah. The salad and beans brought happiness to nobody. Members are asking that the Berkmans return their gifts. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vaikra 21:17-24) A Kohen 'that has a blemish shall not come close to offer the food of Gd... nose has a bridge... one limb longer than the other...' Yes. Bernie. If a limb is longer than the other they can't do a sacrifice. If the hem is off a little, you're forbidden from bringing sacrifices... Yes. They are still Jewish. They just can't do the Kohen service. 'or who has abnormally long eyebrows... dry skin...' This congregation does not lotion themselves. The skin on this congregation. I can't even shake hands Good Shabbis. I say hi and I feel like I've got sandpaper rubbing my skin off my hand. This congregation would have never been able to be Kohanim. I see the Kohens Duchen. The most chapped hands... Your hands are disgusting. I don't even think your blessing counts... That should be the law. You can't sacrifice with dry skin, and you can't greet people Good Shabbis... I know you work in landscaping. You get home. You lotion up... It's not about you Sam. It's about the people you're saying Good Shabbis to. Bad skin... Do you want skin falling into your Karban?! Chapped hands all over your meat... In our shul, we should stop people without hand lotion from getting Aliyahs... No. I know he has big eyebrows. Anthony Davis is not a Kohen... Biggest putdown back in the times of the Beis HaMikdash were, 'You would be Pasul from Kehnuaship service.' That's offensive. The bullies would say that... Kohens also didn't have ugly lawns. If they saw the Frankel's lawn, it would have been written, 'Kohens with lawns like the Frankels can't approach the altar.' We should burn your lawn for Lag BOmer. That's how messed up it is… There is a community that is not Jewish that pays people to mow their lawns. They know you’re not a farmer... Your hands are soft and they're chapped. It should look good... Things have to be done right. Kiddish should look good and tasted good. Everybody loves cheesecake Dr. Berkman... The Bat Mitzvah wasn't a Simcha. Nobody was happy... If the Kohanim got the haircuts, you got last Lag BOmer, they would not be allowed to sacrifice. It looked like chapped hair... Dandruff. A lot of dandruff. You don't want that in your sacrifice either... They could still eat of the sacrifices, unlike Metzora and Zavs. We will get into those people who couldn't even eat with their families next week... They messed up and they looked off... If it was a Berkmans Kiddish sacrifice, no Kohen would want to eat it anyways... Rivka’s Rundown Ugly people were offended when they heard they couldn't be Kohens. By the way, the Kohen family are not good-looking people. I don’t even think they’re Kohens. After the sermon, everybody was trying to figure out if other congregants' sleeves were off a bit. They were trying to figure anything they could do to not give people Aliyahs. There is a lot of fighting for Kibudim (honors in shul). One guy stole the Anim Zemirot leadership for his son on Shabbat by telling the Gabai the other kid had a pimple. I her Rachel tell Mark he would've never been able to bring a Karban. That hurt. I think that relationship is over. The rabbi tried selling Ahava products at the end of his sermon. He told everybody there will be an Ahava showing on Monday at his home. He said it was to support Israel, but I think he's definitely getting a commission. The marshmallows were a weak Lag BOmer experience. You can put hotdogs on a stick too. Everybody smelled disgusting for days after the marshmallow making. I didn't know smoke could smell that bad. It smelled great with the fire. Mixed with cotton, it's disgusting. And apparently, our congregants don't do laundry very often. Three foot sticks is not enough. You need at least eight feet on your stick to get enough distance from the fire. The cheesecake requirement made everybody happy. The Berkmans sponsored the cheesecake Kiddish on Shavuot, to make up for their Bat Mitzvah follies. Their daughter, Leah, is now allowed to keep her gifts. The Jazz festival was nice. Our Chazin didn’t sing at it. Tags:
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As a community, the post holiday dieting didn’t work. It is clear that the community has kept on it's Pesach pounds, or clothes have gotten a light tighter. Not eating Matzah is not considered a diet. The rabbi wanted people to know that you can get heavy off of bread as well. The community is working on a kosher restaurant. All fear that nobody will want to go, as members of our shul will go. We understand your fear of having to have a conversation about Rivka's kids when getting a corned beef sandwich. Don't worry, we will make sure it is a deli. This will chase away Jews who only eat at Texas style smokehouses nowadays. The Beckers are scared to reopen the kosher restaurant, as Jews might come. We ask the Hirshmanns to notify the Beckers they will not eat there. We all know how annoying the Hirshmanns can be as customers, always asking for the vegan option. Since Pesach, it's been taking too long for people to walk up for their Aliyahs. The rabbi has required mandatory Pilates classes. If you don't attend Pilates classes, you will not receive an honor at shul. The rabbi has also made it clear that there will be no Kibudim for people who need to push themselves up from their seats with their armrests. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 6:29) '...in the seventh month, on the tenth of the month, you shall afflict your souls'... Yom Kippur Bernie. You afflict on Yom Kippur. You don't afflict me now... I know Rosh Hashana is the beginning of the year, but it's in the seventh month... Yes. And days start at night. This is logic. I feel like I am being afflicted by a bunch of heathens who think days start at dawn. It doesn't say to afflict your rabbi... What is affliction? Finally a decent question. Affliction is when a congregant comes to your office and starts telling you about their family. Abstention from food and drink (Yoma 74b). That is the affliction we speak of on Yom Kippur. Seeing how you all ate on Pesach, I believe our community understands this... You lose weight by fasting. After Rosh Hashana you don't eat. After all the brisket you take down... Stop eating. That's how you lose weight. It's in the Torah... Working out happens after Yom Kuppur. I am sure the Kohens worked out to help the Kohen Gadol with the Yom Kuppur service... They did Pilates. You need a strong core to sacrifice. You need a strong core for Aliyas as well... Shlomo. We waiting five minutes for you to get up to the Bima after you got back from the Pesach hotel. You afflicted the congregation with your out of shapedness. Just watching you get up from your chair was an affliction. It’s spring. Summer is around the corner. This is the only community that is fine being out of shape… No. Swimsuits are Asur. At least try. Try to get in shape. Maybe tuck in a shirt at least... It makes you look thinner. (Vayikra 17:4) Sacrifices had to be done in the Temple. Outside of the Temple they get cut off... No. You are just skipping Minyin. The Yom Kippur service is about tradition. Kosher restaurants are about tradition... No. There will be no salad bar... There is no brisket in salad, Michelle. If you can make a brisket salad, I will think about allowing a salad bar. It will be a deli. Since when have Jews abandoned tradition and stopped eating in delis?! Texas style smokehouses are not tradition… Even if it’s corned beef. Smokehouses are not Jewish. It’s going to be called Beckers Deli because the Beckers own it… The Hirshmanns are very annoying. And Rivka, you scare people away. You’re lovely, but nobody goes to Marshall’s anymore. They fear they will have to have a conversation with you about your grandchild’s last Simcha... I am sorry they didn't have a vegan option Mr. Hirshmann. It was a smokehouse. What are they supposed to smoke? Lettuce?! This is going to be a deli, and I for one believe in tradition. There will be no kosher deli with a vegan option in this town. It's about not sinning. It's about not turning delis into smokehouses... Not everything is about a healthy diet, Bernie. Treat people well. Don't talk Lashon Hara. Don't hate in your heart. Don't bear a grudge... Love your neighbor as you (19:18)... It ends with 'I am H".' When you understand Gd's oneness, you understand the connection with your neighbor. And you encourage them to lose weight after Pesach. And you encourage them to keep our traditions and to eat in delis. You look at the Hershanns and you realize how much you've messed up. Yes. And follow other Mitzvot, unlike Michelle who still can't get over the lack of salad bars. If you mess up, you bring an offering... You bring it to the Beis Hamikdash. There is no Temple nowadays... The only part of the Torah you are keeping is the messing up... Well there is a lot of hatred here. I understand it's hard to love your neighbor when it is the Hershmanns. Rivka’s Rundown I do talk about my kids a lot. I like to spread my Nachis. If it keeps them out of Marshall's I'm fine with that. I don't need competition at the clearance rack. And some of the members of our community take number tags into the dressing room in the late teen numbers. I've seen it. I once saw a twenty-two card go in with... I won't say the name. I'm not a talebearer. Nobody liked the idea of a post Pesach fast. The congregation voted and they're happy to wait till the Seventeenth of Tamuz and Tisha BAv. The board discussed it, and they will plan to lose their fifteen pounds on those two days. When the rabbi mentioned working out, the congregants didn't like that either. Pilates classes were not attended. Nor was Minyin. Though, people did show up for Kiddish after Pesach. The deli is a place Jews can get heavy too. Once that came out that the Kosher deli will have traditional fat, everybody was into it. I feel that our Jewish community is antisemitic. Expressing that you won’t open a kosher restaurant in fear that Jews will show sounds to be a bit of Jew hatred by Jews. Maybe I'm wrong in my assessment. It might just be that they don't like a lot of people, and they all happen to be Jews. I understand the Hirshmanns are annoying and I talk about my kids, but that is what the deli is about. You sit at your table after you go to the other tables to say ‘Hi.’ At the smokehouse, nobody ever greeted anybody. You just came and enjoyed your food. No Jew wants that. That’s not what a deli is about. Matzah ball soup is about a discussion. It's served with a long long conversation. The smokehouse closed with COVID. Since then, it's been hard to be a Jew in Topeka. I think that is why all the people that went away for Pesach ate so much. They realized they would have to cook at home when they got back. And that's almost as scary as cleaning. To my amazement, even the vegans were fine with no kosher option at the deli. They said that they are against killing tradition and animals. Why the rabbi had to tell people they can get heavy off bread?! I am glad the rabbi banned swimsuits. If people wore swimsuits in our congregation, things would be different. We would lose a large portion of our membership. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shemini4/16/2023
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Due to the heretics at the bakery, the rabbi said you can't buy from them till October. By that time, we're praying the Jews of our community will have bought the bakery's Chametz. We're ending Pesach with a four dayer. Another day of Matzah. I don't know what sins you did to deserve this. Shabbat is one more day of Pesach. No Kosher Jews will have Challah by that time, especially with Heiminstein's Heretical Baked Goods. Eating Matzah means another day. The fire at the shul was not an act of anti-Semitism. It was an act of members doing something. The Biyur Chametz fire was too large. We now have to repaint the outside of the shul. We ask people not make fires on shul property, even if they are doing a Mitzvah. We ask fires should be contained on shul property. Not just in a forest. Even if we believe in H' the One who made fire. General request from the board: We ask members not help. Due to the annoyance of most of the membership, and the rabbi not wanting to see them at shul, we're adding another three weeks to Pesach. The rabbi ordered it. He called the hotels. They will take you back for another thirty thousand dollars. It's a deal and it will make the rabbi happy. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 9:21) It says, 'As Moshe commanded.' Aaron did as Moshe said. It's good to have people who listen to you... Because then you don't mess up everything. Sometimes, you listen to your leaders... Why? So, that you don't mess up everything, like burning down the shul's social hall... I told you to not help. If the bakery would've listened, they would have sold the Chametz and they would've purchased Di Paolo bread and called it Challah... It tastes better than Heimenstein's Heretical bulkies. This is the beginning of the priestly service. The consecration. Celebrate beginnings. It is from here that all other services will happen... We didn't celebrate the beginning of the new shul president, because he's annoying. They sacrificed. They didn't burn down a tree... I know you were making a fire to burn Chametz. You burned down the shul's awning, the social hall, the... Self-hating Jews... We almost lost the shul due to your Pesach zealotry... Moshe didn't tell Aaron to burn down a forest. You were burning Chametz. How much wood do you need to burn Chametz?... Somebody else is going to the Lag BOmer bonfire... They were sacrifices. Moshe didn’t tell Aaron to burn down the Temple. Due to Aaron's doing this the right way, they were able to bless the people. You can't bless the people when you have no bread and the shul is burnt... It's called anti-Semitism Bernie. Your burning of the Chametz was antisemitic... After he did the services of the offerings, (Vayikra 9:22) Aaron raised his hands towards the people and he blessed them. They were able to raise their hands and leave the tent of meeting because they didn’t burn everything… We can’t use the back door to the shul now You’re not a Boy Scout. You’re a shul member. Your practicing Mitzvot is dangerous. The time you spilled the grape juice… Yes. They slipped. You didn’t clean it. The time you backed out of your parking spot. The time you approached the Kiddish table with reckless abandon... You doing anything is dangerous. The way you sit. You plop down. You broke Tzachi's arm by sitting next to him... The time your nephew visited, junior congregation was dangerous... (Vayikra 9:23) Then Aaron and Moshe come out of the tent of meeting and they bless the people 'and the glory of H' appeared to the entire people.' After stuff is done correctly, the way Moshe said to do it, the way H' wants it, H' can join in the blessing. H's glory is present... Not here. Not when you burned down the place. There is no blessing at Heimenstein's Heretical Bakery. The bakery made the worst Challah this Shabbis. And it wasn't kosher... I just know it wasn't good. The service was messed up too. You don't call numbers that fast. You don't say '202, 20...204.' They don't give you time to get to the display. Especially when Sadie is telling you about the grandchildren. The bakery’s Challah is anti-Semitic… Two days with one day break is a four day Chag. Especially when the bakery doesn't sell Di Paolo… Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi made it clear that the kosher bakery was anti-Semitic. Thanks to the rabbi, their business skyrocketed after the Chag. Everybody wanted to buy Chametzdik from anti-Semites. That’s a Jewish Chavaya. Kiddish was held in the back of the chapel. They're still fixing up the social hall after the Biyur Chametz fire. They'll be talking about the Biyur Chametz fire for years. We had a special prayer service for the insurance company to cover the damages. 'Burning of Chametz' was not written into the insurance plan. Though, natural disaster is in our plan. That should include congregants. Baruch truly is dangerous. Everything he does is a danger to the shul. Especially the way he parks. He takes up two spots. The bakery truly makes bad Challah. The rabbi calls it Heimenstein's Heretical Bakery, as only heretics can make that bad of Challah. The rabbi explained the following week that the Challah wasn't Chametz, as it wasn't 'Raui'i LAchilas Kelev' (not fit for a dog to eat it). Truth is the whole end of the sermon was confusing to me. The rabbi should've just said their stuff is worse than Entenmann's. The rabbi said they didn't sell their Chametz. I can't imagine they didn't sell it. I think he just doesn't like their babka and Danish, and can't imagine that any sale they make is legitimate. Why we have a Kosher bakery that can’t make Challah baffles me. And they truly don't give you enough time. You can only make it if you're the third number called in a sequence. Otherwise, you've got to take another number and pray you're at the window on time. I once missed candle lighting, trying to get a bulkie. Tags:
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The hotel Pesach Seder in booth, for the authentic exodus experience for two. (Photo: Totally Jewish Travel)
This interview took place when I noticed that all of our congregants that got back from Pesach hotels put on a lot of weight. Dr. Felsenblum must've put on twenty pounds over the week. I had to interview him.
How was the hotel? Expensive. How did you afford it? I'm getting a second job. We're not sending our kids to summer camp. We're only buying store brand cereal now. How much was it? Forty-five thousand for the week. And that was before the kids wanted to leave the hotel to go to Jumpy Palace. How was the hotel? It wasn't our home. That was good. Did you do anything on vacation? We didn't clean. We got away from our house. That was the goal. To not be at home. You hate your home that much? When we have to clean it. I would have given away the place. Let them clean it. The way our kids run around the house... dirty kids. Just the thought of mopping sent my wife to the hospital. How's your wife doing now? She's fine. Once I told her we were going away for Pesach, she got better. It was an immediate recovery. What else did you do at the resort? I ate. Did they have other activities? Yeah. A buffet. You seem a lot bigger. Twenty-eight pounds. I ate as much as I could. I got close to forty-five thousand. What did you eat? Lamb chops. Just lamb chops. A lot of lamb chops. I was trying to get my money's worth. Lamb chops was the only way. Sounds like you were on a mission. I was. Until I get the paycheck for my second job we can't get groceries. Your kids also got bigger. I made them eat lamb chops. Breakfast? Lamb chops. One day they didn't have lamb chops. I had them bring out the lamb chops and I took the lox platter to our room. I told them that lamb chops taste good in the morning too. How were the Seders? The Pinkowitz Seder was very nice. How about yours? Our table was right next to the Pinkowitzs. But yours... Your Seder? We focused on the Pinkowitzs. They were very loud. We listened to their Seder and we to the brisket before them. Once they started with the Hillel Sandwich, we ran to the buffet. They didn't have lamb at the Seder. Brisket was the most expensive meat. Would you go to a hotel next year for Pesach? We won't stay home. What are you going to do to pay for the Pesach hotel? Another mortgage. We're up to three now. What are the three mortgages for? Pesach hotels. Anything else? No. We stopped sending the kids to camp. They're now in public school. Our money is focused on not having to clean. Was it a nice hotel at least? It was a motel. Forty-five thousand dollars for a motel? They cleaned it Then why do they call it a Pesach hotel? It was forty-five thousand dollars. Conclusion People are willing to spend a lot of money to not have to sweep. As we discussed more, I learned they were mad they had to come back to their house after Pesach. Now they have to do spring cleaning and his wife is back in the hospital. They must get real scared when Purim comes around. I saw it on his face. The worry of cleaning. Flashbacks. Pesach preparation trauma from childhood. Dr. Felsenblum was not offended that I told him he put on weight. He told me that each pound he put on is worth three thousand dollars to him. Since they got back, they’ve been eating a lot at Kiddish. The rabbi did a Mishebeyrach for the congregation that Felsenblum's check comes in soon. Tags:
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Announcements
We still have a Minyin this Shabbis. People have not left to their Pesach hotels yet. We will be looking forward to Pesach without the members at the shul. The shul is hosting a Matzah sale on Monday. Shmurah Matzah will be sold at a discount, for eighty-nine dollars a pound. A dropbox for Pesach food will be at the shul. If anybody finds anything that is not marked up a Pesach 300 percent, please bring it. Shiva hours at the Piskobeck house will be from 9:30 to 11am. They will also take a break for breakfast at 10:15am. They don't want anybody visiting. Seder preparation class will take place for those who don't clean their homes for Passover and have a lot of free time, as they don't keep the Mitzvot of the Torah. All complaints may be directed to the shul president. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mitzvot never end... I know you don't want to keep Mitzvot. You haven't even cleaned your home for Passover. And you like to talk Lashon Hara... We keep Mitzvot all the time. Tukad Bo all night... That doesn't mean to stay up all night and drink... Doesn't mean to go out gambling all night. (Vayikra 6:1) H' tells Moshe, 'Command Aaron and his sons saying "This is the law of the elevation offering.. on the flame, on the Altar, all night, until the morning, and the fire shall be kept aflame on it..."' Sometimes you must remind people you're talking about the elevation offering. They might think you're talking about the meal offering... Everybody loves meals Bernie. Why I have to explain this???!!!! Always needing to explain... Well. We're talking about the elevation offering right now. And you're not even a Kohen. I have to explain everything to you people You need to command people to do things constantly... Even when you commanded them before. Has anybody showed up to Minyin in the past week?! Exactly. I will command again... All night. Mitzvot are kept all night too. They're not just daytime Torah laws... We're not talking about Tzitzit right now... Yes. Shabbat starts at night. You're not supposed to drive Friday night either... 'Kept aflame on it...' We all have addictions. What is that thing you need to do constantly... Serve H' constantly. The problem is your addiction is gambling. There is no commandment in the Torah to play Black Jack for Gd all night... Should we cancel shul?... I understand it's hard to clean. Before Pesach, you should be addicted to cleaning... I will call you nightly to tell you to clean. Even if you have to stay up all night... You gamble all night. Maybe we should burn your house... Not as an act of anti-Semitism. So you can keep the laws of Pesach. Keeping it aflame... Shiva is important... You don't do it for an hour and a half... You didn't even do seven hours. It's Shiva. Seven days... OK. Six. Did you do any of it?... An hour and a half with a coffee break is not Shiva. Going out drinking to toast them is not Shiva... I understand it's the popular thing to do. Do it after the year... Yes. A year. You don't stop caring about a person when they stop giving you allowance... The shul should always be cleaned. The shul should always be Kosher. Tukad Bo All Night. We are going to be cleaning the shul after Shabbat. All who would like to volunteer, may they come and volunteer... Rivka’s Rundown The idea of keeping the Mitzvot at night too shocked the congregation. Discussion groups were had all week about what to do at the bars at night. People were now talking about possibly showing up to shul for Mariv. It was a revelation to hear that you shouldn't go out partying after Kiddush on Friday night. That was most of the members' tradition. The concept of staying at home and drinking was discussed. When somebody mentioned the idea of Oneg Shabbat, people started going back to the bars, saying, 'We delight more with live music.' There were members that took the idea of singing Shabbat Zmirot. Those members started keeping the Shabbat Mitzvot on Friday night. They were the Baalei Teshuva. The other members didn't even keep Shabbat during the day. This made it confusing to me; trying to figure out why Friday night was now a discussion when they refused to not drive on Saturday. I believe they wanted to think they were doing the right thing on Friday night at least. Nobody showed up to clean the shul. The rabbi even referenced the all who are poor may they come and eat. Nobody got that reference. They just didn’t want to come and help clean. If the rabbi would’ve said ‘all who are hungry come to shul on Monday and eat,’ people would’ve come. The rabbi said to come and help. No poor people would show up to the Seder to help clean. There is no commandment of that. Poor people show up. 'All who are hungry, may they come and not help, and just enjoy themselves while I slave on the brisket.' Nobody showed up to the Piskobeck Shiva. They didn't want it, and everybody was relived they didn't have to be there. Those new 'make your own Shiva times' are hard for people. One family started a Shiva group on Instagram. They felt so popular when people who liked their parents joined. They posted, 'We will be open for Shiva after we get some decent sleep' with a picture of them at a disco, celebrating Shiva. The six days and then Pesach stuff cutting off some of Shiva makes it all confusing. Though, the Piskobecks were fine with it. They were only open for an hour and a half. Due to the rabbi's sermon, the board decided to host a casino night. People are still talking about cleaning. They’re having flashbacks. Though many have still not cleaned. I believe Chani saw a broom and ran, yelling, 'I'm being attacked.' The Matzah sale drew thousands. People couldn’t believe they found a pound of Matzah for less than a hundred-twenty dollars. Our shul is the only place that can have a class before Pesach, about worrying about cleaning. These people love classes. They love hearing somebody talk about commandments they won’t do. People didn’t show to shul. We know they didn’t leave for their Pesach hotels yet. Even so, they didn't show up to shul. They were worried the rabbi would ask them to help at the shul, being they're not cleaning their homes. It turns out, they were at the gym, preparing for the buffets. They felt that was part of the Mitzvah of preparing for the Chag and getting rid of Chametz. Tags:
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I Knew Pesach Was Here When4/1/2023 
Here goes one of those lists. I knew Pesach was here when...
I had to pay $11 for mayonnaise. I had to pay $3 for Coke. Nobody was at shul. We had Davening, but nobody showed. People went to hotels and were willing to spend 30k to not have to clean their house. My cousins came and didn't help us clean. I started worrying about starving. I found out about potato starch and stopped worrying. I hadn't slept for a week and my house still wasn't clean, even when my cousin showed up with her kids. My cousin saw me cleaning and didn't offer to help. I saw people running on the street wildly screaming 'we have to clean.' We sold our Chametz, but have no idea who we sold it to. A random guy knocked on our door and said we have his food. I shot the guy. I was excited to find baked goods for less than twenty dollars. I bought a Costco membership to save thirty dollars on Matzah and ten dollars on chocolate covered almonds. I prepared so hard for a meal and fell asleep in the middle of it. I had to purchase more Haggadahs, as another fifty rabbis wrote Haggadahs over the year. My house was finally a bit clean. I still wasn't able to find anything. We pulled out our best china dishes, and realized we use plastic the rest of the year. But for the eight days, we have really nice plates. We're classy. Everybody was fighting. Meat ended up costing more, and the butcher said it was Pesach. I didn't understand what the difference was with Kosher for Pesach meat. I questioned how the cost of meat went up. I told the kids they have to clean the windows. My kids asked how that has to do with Pesach. I told the kids 'It's Pesach,' and that was my reasoning. I then told them the lawn had to be mowed for Pesach. I was happy the windows finally got cleaned. I asked my husband why we don't have a cleaning person like everybody. My kids asked a lot of questions and I couldn't tell them to stop asking questions. I told them that the only time they're allowed to ask questions is the Seder. I was trying to figure out why there's no annoying son. During the rest of the year we don't encourage questions. The kids started running around the house with their food. I threw out my laptop, just in case. My husband didn't help. I needed more tinfoil. Five rolls of tinfoil does not cover the house. When it came to the Seder, he took a lot of credit. He even called himself the head of the Seder. My fingers were full of cuts. I learned cleaning is dangerous. I was called a heretic for only staying up till 3am. I started liking desserts made with coconuts. I never liked those before. And I won't like them after Pesach. I was worried about having to put all the Pesach stuff away for eight days. I realized I like Shavuot more than Pesach. And we still went away. And for some reason, the in-laws couldn't have us for the first days, to make the whole Pesach thing easier on us. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Vayikra3/26/2023
Announcements
When the Gabai gives a quiet stare from the Bima, that means people should stop talking. We understand that it is hard to notice the Gabai in the midst of conversation. However, please be aware of the Gabai as it is very awkward for all of us. We all feel like we're in third grade and in trouble. Please be conscientious and take the blame. The longer the Gabai stands there, there more awkward it is. Pesach cleaning must be done. Rosh Chodesh Nisan has passed and that means you should worry. Fear should be your first thought. We are getting together to talk about Pinny. We are going to find him a Shidduch. Anybody with nieces or granddaughters, please help. Pinny needs our help. Seeing old single Pinny in shul is almost as awkward as the Gabai looking at me from the Bima. Matzah is now a hundred and fifty dollars a pound. We are going to be collecting Kimcha DPischa for all of our congregants. We understand that the Feinblooms are wealthy, yet they cannot afford Matzah. Last year they sold a building and it still wasn't enough to feed their family for the last days. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 1:1) 'And H' called to Moshe.' H' called. He wanted to speak to him. So, H' called him. How about from now on, I call you into my office when I want to speak to you. You don't pop into my office and say 'Hey rabbi...' I call in congregants I want to see... No. I don't want to speak to you during Torah reading. I don't want to get in trouble by the Gabai. I don't want him staring at me... Pinny needs help. I am fine talking about getting Pinny married... Pathetic. Why do I not want to talk to you? Because you complain. All you do is complain... I don't want your complaints. Though, I do know Matzah is way too expensive. I agree... As Rashi teaches, 'Called... an expression of affection.' When was the last time you called your mom?!... We're talking about calling here. To call. Not to send a 'hello.' We're talking about picking up a phone and calling. Not an email... Called up to the Torah... The Gabai only calls the people he likes... Well. Shmuli deserves an Aliyah, even though he's not your buddy... The Gabai doesn't like you. It's clear. He called you up for Anim Zmirot... H' then tells Moshe how the people have to bring their offerings... There is no affection if you bring Karbanot messed up. H' doesn't want messed up offerings. He doesn't call us for that. If you don't do your part. If you don't clean your house for Pesach… If you give a messed up donation of eighteen dollars to the shul. H' doesn't want... Nobody wants eighteen dollars. I am going to start sending the Gabai to people's homes with the eighteen dollar check in hand, to stand at the door and stare at you... Yes. It's a disappointment. And as for Bar Mitzvah gifts... It makes the Bar Mitzvah boys cry... A donation in honor of who? Whose life are you saving for eighteen dollars?! Do you know how many more congregants we need to pay my contract at eighteen dollars?!... Would H' accept an eighteen dollar sacrifice?! No. Because at eighteen dollars you're sacrificing nothing. H' wouldn't call for that... The Machatzit HaShekel was different. It's a different currency... The Gabai put his hand on Bima… You don’t continue when his hand is there and he’s staring at the shul. Are you even a Chazin?!... It’s not about you Pinny. We all feel like failures when he looks at us. We all feel like Pinnys… Why? Because you’re not married. You can’t be happy… Because you’re not married… I didn’t say marriage was the way to happiness. Just that you’re not married. Are you even cleaning for Pesach… No. You can’t clean on Shabbis. Why do you think Frum homes are not clean… That’s why I don’t eat in your homes. They’re too clean. Cleaning is not the sacrifice. We need to sacrifice for Pinny. He needs our help. Pathetic... Let's chip in to pay for Pinny to go on a date... Eighteen dollars is not enough!!! Rivka’s Rundown Finally, somebody stood up to the eighteen dollar Chai donations. Finally. It took our rabbi. He even said he would leave the shul with one more eighteen dollar donation, in fear that the shul would go bankrupt and not be able to pay his salary. The rabbi started offering group counseling to kids who got eighteen dollar gifts. It turns out that many of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah kids were thinking about leaving Yiddishkeit, after they saw what their friends got for Christmas. Gavin hasn't got an Aliyah in years. He's not loved. No affection. The Gabai hates him. He's been relegated to Galilah and Tzedakah box carrier. People got sentimental with the calling your mom concept. The rabbi should've done an appeal then. He would've got money. He should've said, 'When was the last time you called your mom? There is an appeal card on your seat for the new addition to our building.' Once he said 'mom' people were willing to give more than eighteen dollars. His Yom Kippur appeal should be about moms. 'This Yom Kippur, think of your mom and give the shul a lot...' Some people tried making a phone call after shul, but for reason of affection and keeping the laws of Shabbat, the rabbi smacked them. I have never seen so much anxiety in a shul. People were so worried about Pesach cleaning. The lady had developed a Pesach tic. Every Siddur she touched, she took a tissue and started cleaning it. Later, when she shook my hand, she rubbed it down with a baby wipe. Between us, the Gabai stared too long. They weren’t that loud. Due to people not noticing the quiet stare from the Bima, in the midst of their passionate conversation, the Gabai has started going around to ask people to be quiet. The Gabai found that with all the talking, there are too many places to be. We now have six Gabais whose job it is to keep people quiet. The shul is thinking of hiring an extra security guard to bounce congregants from shul, and to scare them from coming in. The Gabai stare is awkward. It makes everybody uncomfortable. We all feel like kids. It’s almost as awkward as seeing Pinny, the old single guy, in shul. Awkward. Nobody wants to take the blame for Gabai stares. I never heard, 'It was me.' Them saying that would probably cause more staring. And nobody wants to take the blame for Pinny. I believe one time the Gabai just stopped and stared at Pinny. Nobody was talking. It was just a way to note how pathetic the old single guy in shul is. After the Gabai saw enough people shake their heads in discontent, he allowed the Chazin to continue. A class was given on shul etiquette and Gabai stares. The rabbi also explained in the class that the banging on the Bima was not due to anger, but to scare people into saying the Rosh Chodesh prayers. Finding Pinny a wife is a communal activity. Committees have been formed. One committee made a point to go into his house and throw out pictures from his childhood as he looked awkward. The Pinny committee refused to clean his house for Pesach. That was too scary. The Gabai stared at how dirty the floor was and walked out. He didn't even touch any of the tables, as they were too dirty. It's called The Pinny Committee. He is the cause. His singleness is a charity. Tags:
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Announcements
This week's Torah reading is a double Parsha. You may want to show up late. It is going to be painful. To make it worse, the Bar Mitzvah boy is going to read a couple of the Aliyahs. Rule: Dad's are not allowed near their children when their kids lead services. The dad standing there like a helicopter Jew adds to much time to the services, and it causes people to hate your child. The weather is cold again. You can use that as your excuse for why you never come to shul. The community Shabbat dinner is this coming Shabbat. We are going to have fore spice sized plates, as Cheryl found a way to pile up the whole shnitzel platter on her plate last year. Don't eat at the Katzenbergs for Shabbat lunch. They have no idea how to make a decent potato kugel. They will kill your Shabbis afternoon. The shul's Kugel Bakeoff is to take place next week. Do not worry. We have disqualified the Katzenbergs from joining. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:1) 'Moshe gathered all the community of Israel...' I can't even gather you guys for Hamotzie... Everybody washed and we were waiting... Why does everybody think that when we go to wash, they should have a conversation?! You never want to talk to these people, except for when you're washing for bread... He didn't gather the Israelites to hear a Bar Mitzvah boy read... I don't care that it was six months ago. It's painful. The kid pronounces the words. If it was the Katzenberg's Kugel, nobody would've showed. You couldn't gather people with that thing. There's a reason nobody showed to shul to honor Siril Katzenberg's graduation... They knew that you made the Kugel. He told them what they are commanded... There are commandments. Requirements. Such as Minyin... Yes. Show up. That's my command. The shul needs a Minyin... Starts with Shabbat. If we could get a Minyin on Shabbat. After the commandment of Shabbat, we see the concept of people giving stuff to the Temple and the services.... When people come together they give to the place of worship... All you do is complain about the shul. You don't show up and you complain... The Katzenbergs giving Kugel is not appreciated… Of course it’s leftovers. Shouldn't that be a sing?! I can't even call the community together because nobody here shares... Sharing is a Mitzvah... You didn't share. To be a community, you share. You piled up your plate. You came back to the table and said you got it for them... They can get up. You got the shnitzel for yourself Cheryl. Then, you loaded up the cinnamon rugulach... Yes. Everybody loves the cinnamon rugulach. But you took it. Next time, just take the platter, Cheryl… For your table?! They don’t even like the raspberry or apricot filling. I don’t even know why they make those cookies with apricot filling. Are they Hamentashen?... Exactly. Apricot jelly filling should only be used in Hamentashen… It’s tradition Cheryl. We have a holiday for apricot filling. Blueberry jam is for Pesach. You put it on the cream cheese. On the Matzah... Yeah. It tastes great. Community doesn’t come to a Shabbis dinner and take all of the food for themselves. That’s why we have the smaller plates now... It's because of you Cheryl. It's because you don't trust people to take their own rugulach... The only thing you share is bad jokes. It has to stop Mervin. Everybody shared. They brought their valuables. Women gave bracelets and earrings... Nice ones. Not the ones with birds hanging. Whatever that Michal Negrin stuff you bought is. They didn't give Katzenberg potato kugel... No. You cannot submit a potato kugel to the Bakeoff. That is not fair to other people. Your kugel is vile. If that Bar Mitzvah kid was reading, the congregation would've said, 'We don't care if it's Shabbis. We are not going to take this abuse and show up to Minyin anymore. Get somebody who doesn’t enunciate'... They might have even hung you as his dad. Everybody hates your kid now... He lost of all his friends because you make him nervous and he stutters. He's developed a Haftorah tick to his left... That's where you stand. He can't even talk to his friends without looking over his shoulders, worried if he said the word loud enough... Next time we do Hamotzie, let’s come together. It’s not a time to fill up your plate. Moshe gathering the people would've been impossible if they were loading up their plates at the buffet instead of washing their hands for Hamotzie... Rivka’s Rundown Such a beautiful message of Achdut, unity, so that people can start their dinner. The people in the shul give nothing. When I say nothing, I mean nothing that anybody wants. Somebody donated a hand-me-down skirt she got from her older sister. She insisted it was very expensive, as it had sentimental value. The shul dinner was messed up. The rabbi had to yell at people to call them together for Kiddish. He washed, and then he yelled, 'You can't talk after you wash.' One of the kids must work as a waiter. The way they piled up the shnitzel on the new small plate is an art. I saw him sticking pieces in. It was a pyramid of shnitzel. A balancing act. The difference between the kid and Cheryl is that he insisted that he didn't get the shnitzel for the table. It was all for him. Baruch's son just got Bar Mitzvahed half a year ago. When he reads, it's painful. His dad wants him to enunciate. The whole shul hates him now. They are waiting for him to protest his dad and mumble the words fast. Truth is the whole congregation hates that family; almost as much as the Anim Zemirot kid. It's the dads that kill it for them. New rule in the congregation. You can't lead unless you do it real fast. Pronouncing words is not appreciated by anybody, or allowed. I believe that if the people follow this we will get more members. I think the rabbi ate at the Katzenbergs last week. He did not like their Kugel. He considered it a sin. The Bakeoff went well. And the Katzenbergs enjoyed it, as they didn't have to eat their Kugel. The rabbi had to explain the meaning behind the different jelly fillings and why raspberry should only be used on Sukkot. I think the main reason is that he likes the tartness. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Tisa3/12/2023
Announcements
Note from the Rabbi: I got the worst Mishloach Manot again. Here is a list of stuff that is forbidden to put in Mishloach Manot next year, all of which were in the basket I got from the Perlwitz family: Lemon wafers, thimble sized alcohol you stole from ELAL, poppy seed Hamentashen- because nobody likes it, papers you need to recycle, and anything you need to get out of your house so that you have less to clean for Pesach. We will be honoring the Feldenwitz family with a Kiddish. We don't believe they deserve a dinner. A Kiddish should be enough for them. They like gefilte fish balls and not enough people like them to raise money for the shul. Sleeping on Shabbat is a good thing, as Shabbat is the day of rest. Even so, the rabbi does request that you don't sleep during his sermon. The Pesach Cleaners are now out and open for business. They're charging fifty-five dollars an hour. They said that's a good deal. They will charge less if they don't have to hear parents screaming at their kids. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 30:12) When counting 'let each person give atonement for their soul to H'... so there won't be a plague when counting.' This congregation just needs to do atonement... There already is a plague in this shul. A plague of bad Mishloach Manot. To give atonement means giving money. Nobody here gives money. There is a plague of cheap in this congregation right now... Would you call give me a can of peas that expires in 2028 a good gift? Well. That's what I got in my Mishloach Manot... Then you should've thrown it out. If you didn't want it, you should've thrown it out. Now, my house is full of a plague of stuff I have to clean before Pesach. Because of your Mishloach Manot... How many are here? Do we even have a Minyin? I think we have a Minyin of people who donated nothing to the shul. But I wouldn't know... We can't count in this shul because you people don't don't give anything. If you donated... You did give me poppy seed Hamntashen. If we counted how many Hamentashen that I got in my Mishloach Manot, we would have a Minyin... No. We are not counting people. Rashi teaches that the evil eye has power over the Minyin... We don't want more evil here... No. A half shekel is not a fundraiser... Numbering things. Minyin... In our case, this Minyin is an evil eye. Just look at Bernie… That’s an evil eye. He’s also mad about having to clean your trash… Yes. That’s what your Mishloach manot is. Stuff you wanted to throw out. (Shemot 30:13-15) Half a shekel. That's it... Or two or three half shekels... Don't ask me. It's complicated. The rich don't give more and the poor don't give less... It doesn't say 'nobody gives anything... Well that's the tradition of our shul. Give something. If everybody would just give a decent Hamentashen. Rich and poor... I don't need an artisan poppy seed Hamentash... I know the rich in our shul don't give anything. And they keep the chocolate Hamentashes for themselves. What I am trying to say is the rich are selfish. And you can't build a Temple like that. None of you put your heart and soul into what you gave. I know, because I got Mishloach Manot from you... Next year. Put in a shekel to atone for your poor judgement. It’s a month before Pesach and now I've got crumbs of leavened poppy seed. It's Asur to have Chametz before Pesach and you are Asur. Put your heart into Kiddish. Are the Feldenwitzs that unimportant that they get a Kiddish?!... I understand it's about raising money for the shul. Nobody would get anything for giving a half shekel on behalf of the Feldenwitzs... Your just not successful enough for people to like, Simmy... When people give money, you can make a decent washing stand and basin. A Kiyor. Unlike the washing station outside the sanctuary with a plastic cup... I know it's a Natlan. It's the stuff you use in the bathroom. They were able to use copper because people gave money. If you spent something on your Mishloach Manot. Just a little. I wouldn’t have had peas that nobody wants… It doesn’t even have a tab. I have to find a can opener. A non-copper can opener. That’s how bad the peas are. And there were rules for how you had to make the Kiyor. That is why we now have Mishloach Manot rules... A lot of evil here. Evil and no half shekels. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi went through the bad Mishloach Manot. He described each item and why it is wrong. And how this is not what Mordechai had in mind when he suggested gift baskets to celebrate. 'You don’t celebrate a month before Pesach with crumbs.' Which is why the rabbi also declared that all Hamentashen must be of soft pastry. The rabbi almost called off the Mitzvah altogether. Though, I don't think he has to. most of our congregants don't know what Mishloach Manot are. They think it's a plastic bag with a clown on it. Whoever started writing Thank Yous for Mishloach Manot is an idiot. Mordechai definitely didn't think it was a good idea to have to write Thank Yous. Those things kill every decent Bar Mitzvah gift. I say it's not a real gift if I have to write a Thank You. I would rather buy something for them and make them go through the hassle of writing a Thank You card. Thank You letters are like a punishment for knowing people who give you bad gifts. The rabbi called the people Asur. Amazing. As the rabbi stated that there are too many people falling asleep during his sermons and it is hurting his feelings. That was not smart. Now, the whole back left section brings eye-masks. They were eye-masks for Purim to sleep when the rabbi was talking. Nobody cares about the Feldenwitzs. If you truly don’t want to honor them, they might as well give Simmy Galilah. That's a smack in the face. That's what you do for unimportant people who don't have a lot of money, and volunteer and devote their lives to the shul. The poor people didn’t like the idea of a half shekel. They said it’s too much. The rabbi’s idea of half shekel Mishloach Manot though was a great idea. The Pesach Cleaners demanded their money back from the shul for the advertisement in the announcements. They said the shul misrepresented them. The only business they got were shirts that needed to be dry-cleaned. If we learned anything. The Beis Hamikdash would never have been built with bad Mishloach Manot. Tags:
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Announcements
Purim is this Tuesday. There is no reason to drink on Shabbat, unless if you have to deal with the new Shul Simcha Committee. They are very annoying and will bring anybody to drinking. Anybody married to Harold Feinbloom can also drink. Other than that, drunkenness is Asur. The costume parade will include true Mardi Gras performers. We don't want another pathetic showing of poorly tailored Esther costumes. This week's Kiddish honors a Jew. Sign up for the shul luncheon. It's not a Kiddish. This means you have to pay. We understand how paying can ruin your happiness. If you spent time with the Simcha Committee, you'd understand that there's many ways to ruin Simcha; such as sitting in at one of their meetings. We're asking for Machatzit Hashekel. We realize we'll never collect the full amount of dues. If we can at least get half an nis from congregants, that will be appreciated. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 28:2) 'And you shall make holy vestments for Aharon your brother, for glory and splendor.' Our Gabai has the ugliest suit I have ever... Well. You're representing the congregation. This is the most disheveled membership... It's Shabbis. It's not Purim. On Shabbat you wear holy stuff... Yeah. Like a tie. We're not in Israel. Apikorsim here... Well, I though that was a costume. It's got to be the ugliest dress I have seen. Make vestments. Not costumes... There's a difference. A vestment is a work of fine clothing. A costume is something that looks like a vestment if it were not to last a day... Yes. It's not fine material. Rivka's sweater is bad material... No. It's a costume. That can't be regular clothes. That's a thread count of two. When families make clothes for each other... Your Chanukah sweater was an Asur gift. No glory wearing that. Rambam Hilchot Mada says a Chacham should not walk around in messed up clothes... Costumes. Yes. That means costumes. Which is why I won't dress up this Purim... That was meant for the Gabai. I can't get over how ugly that suit is. The sun is shining off it... Polyester... If you were a Chacham, a wise man, you wouldn't wear that... Because it's ugly. Do you need the Rambam to tell you this?! It was all made to serve H'.... They were to minister to H' (28:1)... The Kohanim were ministers... Jewish ministers in the Temple. Not a church... That's why they didn't look like Tzurel and Sam... That's a polyester suit. It's about caring for each other. You don't let your brother walk out of the house looking like that... Purim is Monday night. It's Shabbis right now. No need for a costume... A costume or an ugly outfit like... (28:6) 'The work of a thinker'... Yes. That's how I translate it. You think before you get dressed. You go to a decent tailor... Think. Half of you look like you're part of a 1990s gang with one leg shorter than the other. You guys in this shul never think… Well look at the Purim carnival program. It’s not supposed to be Carnival. You have an apple bob. You don't have a dragon dancing through the shul... You don’t show up to shul drunk for Parshat Zachor… That’s not celebrating. That’s alcoholism… That’s not a hangover. That’s drunk. That's why we end up with a dragon and polyester suits. It's about remembering. Zachor... To wipe out Amalek. To remember congregants that have wronged you. The Simhca Committee is very annoying... Yes. They've wronged me. I sat in and listened to the chair... No idea who gave her a chair. It would've been rude not to... That’s why your clothes are messed up. Next time, don’t get dressed drunk... Zachor. Remember. Remember to look decent. Remember to wear a tie for once... Your costumes are pathetic… A ghost? That was a sheet. You didn’t even cut holes in it… I understand. You didn’t want to ruin the bedding. That’s fiscally responsible and a poor costume... At least give Machatzit HaShekel. You don't give to your Shabbis clothes. And don’t forget to give money to Od Yosef Chai… It’s supposed be for two meals… Three dollars doesn’t cover two meals… What are you eating? Rice? Dinner is rice and rice... That's what you feed poor people. And that's why next week's Kiddish is rice. Rivka’s Rundown The way our membership uses Purim as an excuse to drink for three weeks. I don't know if sports bars is what Mordechai had in mind. Between us, the rabbi got lazy and didn't want to go shopping for another costume this year. He usually shows up in some amazingly intricate cultural costume. Come to think of it. I think he's just worried he will get cancelled for dressing up on Purim. Saying it's forbidden to wear a costume was a good way to work around the wokeness of our shul. I think people not dressing up as stigmas of other people will make it hard to find costumes. We'll be stuck with American looking Queen Esthers and that's it. The costumes in our shul are pathetic. One guy dressed up as an office manager. You know what he does for a living? He’s an office manager. How many Queen Esthers do we need?! Does every eight year old need to be Queen Esther?! Tzurel's dress was an ugly dress. You only wear ugly like that if it's a costume. We need better dressed people in the congregation. The Mardi Gras people really added to the Purim spirit. Though, it would have been more appropriate for our Jewish holiday if they weren't wearing crosses. The shul gave up and decided on Machatzit HaShekel for dues. They even had a hard time getting people to give a half a shekel. Some said they’ll give one eighteenth of a shekel as it’s more meaningful. Most of the high shoolers in the congregation hate hearing 18. They're mad that so many people low-balled them by using Chai to justify cheap Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts. They're just being cheap. Some of the congregants have started buying gifts at 5 and Below, writing a card that says 'Chai' on it. They served the food on one table, I had to wait to get near the choolante, I got hit by an older man that wanted Kichel. It was a Kiddish. It was a Kiddish and we paid a lot of money for it. A scam. That was more than Machatzit Hashekel. The rabbi didn't give a list of the congregants that wronged him. He's got a lot of built up anger over the years. And the Simcha Committee brought it out. Tags:
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Photo from the PJ Library... And that's how Queen Esther looked when she was in pjs, with her paper crown.
This interview took place after Megillah reading on Purim evening. The little kids were getting their candy-filled Mishloach Manot. A bunch of the little girls were dressed as Queen Esther, so I asked one of them why. She just wanted her candy.
Who are you? Queen Esther Why are you dressed as Queen Esther? I love Queen Esther. Why did you not dress as Vashti? I hate her. Why do you hate Vashti? She's not nice. She wasn't bad to the Jews. Well she was bad to me. Why? My mom dressed me as Vashti last year, and I looked like an idiot. Can I get my candy?! Do you like Mordechai? I hate Mordechai. He pulled my hair last year. Did Queen Esther do anything about that? I was Vashti. So, I smacked Mordechai. Oh. Which Purim character do you like? My mom. When she doesn't dress me as Vashti. I see, you have a beautiful little tiara. Did Queen Esther have a tiara? Yes. What was her tiara made of? Felt fabric sheets. Are you sure? No. It might have been made of plastic. Wait. It was definitely paper. Are you sure? Yes. You can cut that easier. We learned that in arts and crafts class. What else did Queen Esther wear? Her ballet dress. Did she use makeup? No. Her mom didn't let her. What's your name little lady? Esther. No. What's your name? I'm Esther. I know you're Queen Esther. But, who are you? (no answer) You're doing a great job in character. What grade are you in? Can I get my candy?! What do you want to be next year? Mom! She's not giving me candy!!! Conclusion When she started yelling, I gave her the candy. You can get arrested for not giving a child candy. As I learned, when a kid is screaming it makes no difference if you hit them or don't give them candy, or if you gave them a kind morning greeting. It's abuse. When Esther wants her candy, you give it to her. As she was walking away, I asked her if Queen Esther had temper tantrums. I found out her name was Esther. If she wasn't dressed as Queen Esther, that could've saved a good minute and a half of the interview. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Terumah2/26/2023
Announcements
Shiva will take place at 3pm on Wednesday. Refreshments will be served. Please don't show to the Perlstein family's home before that. They don't want to celebrate till Wednesday. The rabbi comforted the family with a hug. He didn't mean to hug anybody. He takes it back. He did not realize anybody would be offended. He didn’t know what to do. She was ninety and crying. He didn't know that was abuse. Statement from the Rabbi: 'I will try not to be friendly anymore. I did not know that being friendly and showing people you care is creepy.' This week's Kiddish honors the one who cleaned the railing. It was full of dust. Way to take step up for the shul, Cal. Your heart desires. Kol Hakavod. There's less dust. You're an inspiration. A fine example of a Jew. Donation week is coming. The office will be in touch to collect your donations from three years ago that you haven't given yet. We've given up on anything more than four years ago. The IRS will deal with that. We're just ashamed that you're part of this congregation. As it is donation week, you can drop off your donations. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 25:2) 'Take for Me a portion from every man whose heart motivates him...' The shul office is going to start taking money out of people's bank accounts. As the Torah says to take... H' commands a portion for Him. You haven't donated anything to the shul that is worth... A Terumah is a portion. Something decent. Acacia wood. It's not just a donation. You donated your baseball glove from little league and pine wood. Who gives pine?... Acacia wood is quality stuff. Who doesn’t love acacia wood… Terumah is a portion. A portion of something you like. Something decent... You have been dropping off your garbage at the shul for... The new pantry outside the shul has your garbage. Every night, you should be putting in a portion of dinner. Cut off a piece of the steak and stick it in the pantry... Poor people should not get your canned peas... Canned peas are garbage... The can was open... The expiration should've already been. That stuff is three years beyond. The fact that the expiration is 2045 is wrong... It was so bad, you got rid of it 22 years early. Every man gave a portion to H' when they had a decent heart... Decent hearts are motivated... You don't understand portions, because you don't have a decent heart. You understand getting rid of stuff that takes up space. What do you give to shul?... No. Those are plastic flowers... They gave shoham stones. They gave aromatic incense. There was Channel 5 given at the last fundraiser. It smells good. But now the shul smells like a retirement village... Not just Sadie's section. The men's section does too. We went from potpourri to Channel 5... No. You don't donate to a Shiva. We don't need more death. I understand you care, but we don't need more death to be donated to the community... I hope you're not motivated to help with death. I know you don't like your husband... You're motivated to give. I get it. You're motivated to give stuff you don't want. But you would keep the shoham stone. It's good stuff. You give the shul mood rocks. Worst donation... I have never seen so many angry people. Then the Gabai decides to pass it to people when they get an Aliyah. The new shul rule was that nobody who is happy should have an Aliyah... Well. That's what the mood rock showed. You see. None of you ever give the decent stuff... Your eggplant parmesan is disgusting... Acacia wood. You give acacia wood and the Testimony is put in there... The tablets. No. We don't put garbage in the ark. You can’t donate your garbage instead of money... We’re honoring everything now. That's what happens when you get bad donations, you end up honoring everybody with a Kiddish and a dinner. The guy cleaned a little. It’s great. Does he need a Kiddish… I said 'Shabbat Shalom' to some people. Does that get a Kiddish… It’s not volunteering. He ran his handkerchief over the handrail. There’s an issue when there are no Kiddish standards. We should work it like the Tabernacle. If you donate decent stuff, you get a Kiddish. If you give a breastplate you get a Kiddish. If you build the Aron, you get a Kiddish. Standards... No. Not if you bring three bags of hand-me-downs... What are we going to build in the shul with bell-bottoms?! At least, when you get honored, donate something… I have a heart. That's why I donate decent stuff, like a finger pointer... Well. Not everybody is good at pointing. That's why we have a vessel for it. People are vessels of emotion... She needed comforting… She lost her husband, her sister, her friend… She’s ninety. She’s lost everyone. She's ninety... How am I creep for comforting her and caring... And why is Shiva a program now? You do Shiva when somebody dies. That’s Shiva. There aren’t Shiva times… So you don’t sleep for a week. They're dead. Are we forgetting they're dead?!... What kind of a person gets good sleep when their spouse passes away?? No more hugs. I don’t want to be locked up for caring for people who are mourning... I get it. Caring is creepy... Your heart desires to blame your rabbi for caring. Nobody's heart desires to donate. The office is going to take money out of your bank accounts to collect dues. That's why it says 'Take for Me a portion.' Because you guys give nothing willingly... Rivka’s Rundown Finally, somebody explained the Yad. The finger pointer now makes sense. They really do honor everybody. Why do I need to say Mazel Tov after shul every time I want Danish, Kichel or herring. The rabbi banned the mood rock, as everybody in the shul was mad. The shul was in a constantly angry mood and the rabbi didn't want to see it on a rock, in maroon. I got great sleep once my husband died. The night after the funeral, I had so much more bed to sleep on. Amazing sleep. No snoring. If I get married again, I'm not sharing a bed. Specifically on Wednesday. That’s when Shiva is. As if they scheduled the program and planned it. The new shul tradition is to have an assortment of refreshments for the Shiva guests. Now, your spouse dies and you're expected to host. Refreshments???!!! Like a party. The congregants treat everything like a Simcha. 'Merel is dead. Mazel Tov.' Then, some congregants bring food. So, now it's a potluck party. Some have made the decision to have Shiva picnics. People were offended by the hug. The lady came to the rabbi and leaned on him. What's he supposed to do? Let her drop? The membership took dropping off donations as dropping off their trash. Tons of garbage bags full of stuff were found at the back entrance. They heard pantry from the rabbi. Some started dropping off their laundry. Others dropped off their storage and asked the shul where they will keep it. To quote Mark, ‘It’s cheaper than paying for Cubes R Us.' ‘Ashamed you’re part of the congregation.’ I think that means the office is ashamed of the whole shul membership. Donation week was the worst idea the shul ever had. That’s why the rabbi didn’t mention it. Anything that people were going to try to sell in the spring was brought to the shul. So, every pointless item that nobody wants at a garage sale was brought to the shul. I have never seen so much wicker in mu life. They should call it garbage drop off week. The other part of donation week is collecting pledges (that's really what it's for- awareness for paying the shul) people haven’t given in years. It’s pathetic. It’s harder to collect the money than to get people to give it. People get all egotistical when they get up in front of the congregation for Aliyahs. The shul must’ve raised forty thousand dollars last year from Aliyahs. They collected two. Two hundred dollars. I say they collect the money upfront. If they did that, there would be less fights. It would be the first time Shlomo and Sid wouldn't fight over who's getting the Aliyah. Sid would give in every time. The shul started going into people’s accounts. Some complained that they went into overdraft for an Aliyah. Shivas have had some stragglers. People like to hang out in other people's homes, as they don't have to clean. People enjoy the Shivas too much. Especially the deceased's family members. The rabbi has had to put out many announcements about not having disco music at the Shiva houses, even if people are happy. Why our community is stuck on disco is something I will never understand. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Mishpatim2/19/2023
Announcements
We need people for a Minyin. It's called a quorum. We need people for that. Without people, you don't have a quorum. That's why it's called a quorum. The rabbi said that the message should be to show up to shul. The reason? It's shul. Show up. Board elected was decided. No opponents. Penina and Saul were voted in. If somebody can find Penina and Saul and let them know they were voted in, that would be appreciated. The office can't find them. Please note, the office was able to find them. And then, right after the elections, they have not been able to be contacted. We don't know why. But please help us find them. Slavery in our community must stop. We've heard mothers in our community saying they're slaving in the kitchen. Kitchen slavery is not right. The rabbi is announcing that every home must have a crockpot. Ovens and timers are a form of slavery. Next week's class is titled 'Jewish Men are Not Handy and Their Wives Don't Like That.' We will teach Jewish men how to turn a screwdriver without calling somebody. The class on hammers will be a four part series, with handymen, who know how to use their hands. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 21:6) If the slave wants to stay 'his master shall bring him... to the door or the doorpost and his master shall bore through his ear with an awl...' I did not want to stay as rabbi of this shul. Next Shmitah, I am out... I pierced my tongue before I became religious... You don't pierce with a nail unless if it's been sanitized. Safety comes first when hacking through a slave's ear... It's better to pierce in a doorpost, Then you can use the hole for a Mezuzah. You pierce in the door, it's an eyesore... Nobody measures their kids on the door itself. The doorpost... No. Piercings are not supported for men... They didn't pierce the ear and have guys walking around with lintels in their ears. Jambs were not a style... No. You can't hit people. You can only pierce a hole with an awl in the ear of your slave... Slavery is wrong... I get it. It's still wrong... Slaves were fashionable. Why pierce the ear? Rashi teaches it's the ear that heard at Har Sina that 'to Me Bnei Yisrael are servants.' We should be serving Gd... Rabbi Yochanan's teaching of the ear that said to not steal, is the other reason given... And here he wants to stay for his wife and children? What parent in this shul wouldn't run away if they could?... You don't seem to care. Your kids run all over the halls... He was sold into slavery because he stole. I can't tell you how many Aliyahs the Gabai has stolen from... Even if your wife has pierced ears, she should not be slaving over lasagna. It's wrong. No woman should have to open an oven to see if something is good... Neither should men have to slave in kitchens. It's enough. Rashi teaches in the name of Rabbi Shimon that it's the door jambs that are the witness in Mitzrayim that we should be servants to Gd and not servants to servants, when H' passed over our homes... If I had a witness for how messed up the board is... That's why we can't get board members to serve more than one term. It's the only Mitzvah they keep. No more than one term... But you don't show up to shul. So, you're not serving Gd... You're here today. That's not showing up to shul. Minyin. Yes. It's every day... It’s a Mitzvah... This is a shul. That's why we have a shul... No. It's not for Challah baking. It's not for potluck dinners... Love the crocheting club. But it's for Minyin. That's why we have shul... You can’t have a Minyin without people… The rabbi can’t do everything by himself. I know you hired me and I get paid. But I can't count myself as more than one person... You can't pay somebody to be the whole Minyin. Money doesn't cover... You don't even pay your dues. Why are we talking about money... Of course He passed over homes, if it was this community with its bad construction... H’ would’ve passed over the homes of our members because of how poorly they’re constructed. Worst architecture I have ever seen. No pride... Even if you were a slave, you couldn't build a door... That's pathetic. You'd have to call a handyman. A man with hands… They’re not slaves. They’re men with hands. Do you even have hands?... You can hire somebody to work on your home. It looks messed up right now... It's not slavery to pay. Which is why you should all pay your dues. You would not hit the nail with a hammer. You'd miss the nail. That's why we're having a class... No. They didn't higher handymen to pierce the ears with an awl. There are rules. Mishpatim. Laws... Minyin. Show up. Rivka’s Rundown Now. Asides from the crocheting and Challah baking classes, we have wood-shop classes in shul. The rabbi having to explain slavery is wrong took a long time. Around twenty minute conversation. Many members don't like to pay their contractors on time. After the slavery discussion, the women now want contractors to cook dinner. They're saying that if their men need to hire somebody to change a light, they should get lasagna made too. Nobody showed up to Challah baking this week, due to the rabbi's message of it being slavery. Why should their men allowed to be incapable?! As a woman, I can tell you, it's a turnoff when you hear that a congregant had a heart-attack because he had to change a bulb with a screwdriver. And it was too much for him. The women are truly turned off by the men in our shul. The rabbi is correct. They're men without hands. Non-handymen. The discussion of Minyin being important to shul was had. That was another half hour of Torah explanation of how a quorum means more than one. The congregants were mad that they're paying the rabbi and he can't do the Minyin. That was a strongly worded announcement. ‘It’s shul. Show up.’ I guess people haven’t been showing up. The membership is happy. Now they know they're doing something wrong. Now people understand why we have a shul. To blame the rabbi. The rabbi tried to say he was not a Baal Teshuva, though he became more religious. He just hates Baal Teshuvas. Penina and Saul ran. Once they heard that somebody delegated them to the board, they ran. They’re now off the grid. Voting in people without their knowing is the new form of elections in our shul. It works. It's the only way to get people onto the board. I think its this new generation. These kids nowadays don't know how to sit in a meeting where nothing is happening. I'm afraid for the future of boards and committees. Last year they tried having people nominate themselves. We went half a year without a board. At least the rabbi said it wasn't a real board. He hates the board more than Baal Teshuvas. Now, the office nominates and delegates and then they tell the people. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Yitro2/12/2023
Announcements
Somebody died. We didn't get the name, but they are related to people that are in the congregation. Whoever it is did not share their name or the name of the deceased. They just asked we announce death. The shul doesn't have information. It's a death and we wish them the best. They were a Tzadik. Leadership is changing next month. The office will be calling people to join the board. Please do not change your phone numbers like last year. Guest speakers will not happen after this week. We thought it would be nice to have guest speakers, but the rabbi still gives his sermon. Until we can figure out a way to not have the rabbi speak, we will stay away from guest speakers. We want to commend all of those that are still wearing masks for ZoomMitzvahs. Showing up to a Bar Mitzvah online with a mask shows how much you care about keeping people safe that you are not in contact with. We commend you for not passing on diseases to yourself. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom Congregation Beis Emes uSefillah... It is a great honor to be here. Yitro is an amazing father-in-law and you are such an amazing congregation. Yitro would have said that. (Sermon was stopped by the congregants and the rabbi took over. It was nauseating how kind the guest speaker was. They booed her- the rabbi took over here). Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... I am sorry for that. You all know how annoying you are... You can stop cheering. Was Moshe an annoying son-in-law? The Torah doesn't say. However, I can tell you that Shmuel is an extremely annoying son-in-law. He's just annoying... (Shemot 18:12) ‘Yitro, the father-in-law of Moshe, took an elevation offering and feast offerings to Gd, and Aharon and all the elders of Israel came to eat bread with the father-in-law of Moshe...' You don't even sponsor a Kiddish. Your father-in-law came, you didn't even have herring... That's why he doesn't like you... Sacrifices are an excuse to eat. You're in the mood for a decent steak, you thank Gd and you can now enjoy it with the boys... Aharon and the elders came because there was food. They wouldn't have been there if there wasn't decent food... You come to shul for Kiddish. Not for guest speakers (everybody cheered)... Moshe would've at least had a Kiddish for his father-in-law. The Torah talks about Yitro because he was a good father-in-law... Greg isn't a good father-in-law... That's why the family talks about you. You’re bad... Greg. You come in and tell your son-in-law how to fix everything. You might as well tell him he can't upkeep his house... I know he's a loser... Yitro told Moshe how to judge a nation. You're telling him how to fix a sink... Yitro didn't care that Moshe had uneven floors... Let's talk about in-laws. People who hate you... If Yitro was your father-in-law, he wouldn't visit. If I get saved from the shul, my family will visit... Why are you wearing a mask?... Sorry. I didn't know you were allergic to your mother-in-law... What was the Chazin doing… What were you doing? You went on for eight minutes. You were like a guest speaker (cheers)… It was one word. I think you lost the whole congregation. Our Chazin is a father-in-law... Then, you're just rude. The Chazin should’ve been wearing a mask. To stop us from having to listen to him. Worst announcement ever. ‘Death’… You put something personal in there… Then make something up. 'They are survived by people.' Give some information... They were definitely not a Tzadik... I am just going with percentage of members of our shul. Chances are they weren't a Tzadik. Yitro was a Tzadik... Where is Simmy. I haven't seen him for a while. I know he was very sick. Deathly ill... You personalize the experience. That’s what happened with Yitro. He connected because it was personal. They had dinner with him… Where is Simmy?! And yes. I am apologizing for the leadership. Yitro was a leader. Moshe was a leader. Kevin is not a leader… How did he get voted to the board? Shmuel. His father-in-law was so proud of Moshe that he mentions it to everybody. 'I'm Yitro. The fahter-in-law of Moshe'... I didn't even know that was your father-in-law... The Torah doesn't mention him... Rivka’s Rundown The in-laws’ part of the speech had everybody on edge. Each member of the shul was worried their in-laws were about to visit. Death is a big thing in the shul. People love hearing about it. I think they read the announcements for death. If there weren’t obituaries, half of our congregation would get the local paper. If the New York Times had obituaries, our congregation would read that for the local news. I think that bringing up death relaxed people, after hearing about their in-laws. Our rabbi has to visit the sick more. He had no idea Simmy passed away. Everybody seems to be a Tzadik when they die. No matter what, they're a Tzadik. A total jerk, but when they die, a Tzadik. Our rabbi jumped in and the congregation was relieved to hear how annoying they are. The guest speaker was too positive. The congregants started booing them. She wasn't tough enough to rebuke us. The membership senses weakness. They're animals. The rabbi literally took over the sermon. I think he even booed the guest speaker for being too kind, along with the congregation. I don't think that any guest speaker wants to come to our congregation now. I like how the rabbi brought in Kiddish and how that is the same as sacrifices. Tuna salad and Kichel are holy. Sacrifices are a way to get away from the family. You tell your spouse it's for Gd and you can get a night out. I understand sacrifices now, for the husbands. Beautiful leadership point. Kevin shouldn't be on the board. And his in-laws probably hate him too. Nobody wanted to join the board. The office couldn’t reach anybody. They tried convincing people in person, when they showed to Minyin. People stopped showing to Minyin. To reach people, the office bought a burner phone. Finally, they guilted Penina and Saul to join the board for this coming year. These people will find any way to wear a mask. I saw somebody in their car, by themselves wearing a mask. The Chazin just went off. No idea. Eyes were closed. He was in his own world. I am sure it was beautiful to the Chazin. All I heard was one note. The rabbi did get the choir to come. The choir came and sung Motown. They were an evangelical choir. The Jews are now going to R&B concerts for religious inspiration. Tags:
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Announcements
From now on, only people that read Hebrew can lead Davening. What Frank does is not considered reading. It's considered painful. Our membership is not religious enough to endure that much pain. For more painfulness, everybody is invited to the board meeting on Wednesday. Ukraine is still happening. That gives people something to talk about. We will have a talking group about the war in the Ukraine so that nobody has to bother other people at Kiddish. The Kiddish committee is hoping that this will allow people to enjoy their choolante. The guest speaker will be talking about why shul and Snow White are very similar, and how the dwarfs left Egypt. The shul is hosting an egg drive. Anybody who can afford to purchase eggs should donate money to the shul as well. You are wealthy and selfish. We don't who you stole from, but nobody can afford eggs on a regular salary. This Tu BShvat we will serve dried fruit tea. We will also sing 'Jerusalem of Gold' at the Seder, to fulfill the ritual of singing 'Jerusalem of Gold.' Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... That's not reading Hebrew. That is learning to read Hebrew and we just witnessed the pain one goes through when one learns Hebrew... I cannot express how painful it is to have to be part of that when I am trying to finish Aleyinu and to get home to eat... On behalf of the shul, I ask you all for forgiveness for Frank's slow leading of the Davening. It was longer than Yom Kippur Davening. I thought he was doing Ashamnu... I started hitting my chest... I am sorry for the suffering. That kind of pain should've ended when we left Egypt... Many of the Jews ran out in haste. (Shemot 14:8) Paroh decided to chase them and pursue them 'And the children Israel went out with an upraised arm.' I feel like Frank tried to chase everybody out of shul... The Jews went out fast. They ran. They didn't start exchanging phone numbers and their new addresses with their Egyptian neighbors that used to whip them. You don't want these people following you, knocking on your door, reminiscing the good old times when you were able to break your back for them... If Frank was leading Davening, the Jews would've never made it out of Egypt... Paroh might have let them out earlier. I am not sure... What does Snow White have to do with leaving Egypt? You can't compare everything to Disney... I am sorry I didn't bring Snow White into the Dvar Torah. I know it's not a modern day Dvar Torah if I talk Torah... And it has nothing to do with Ukraine... Slavery is not war. You cannot compare everything to slavery... Having to cook in your kitchen and cook is not slavery. Even if you say 'I am slaving'... Slavery is listening to Frank lead the Amidah. Every second, you are subjugated to pain... Slavery is having to purchase eggs for seven dollars a dozen. Slavery is listening to you talk about how Snow White is the reason you keep the Mitzvah of not driving on Shabbis... Learn Torah. Leaving Egypt is not the same as Ukraine… Why do all guest speakers never get to the point… You have to hear something about a cartoon and then you’re happy... The last time I head them talk Torah... (13:21) They were 'comforted' by a pillar of fire at night and a pillar of cloud during the day. You're comforted by cartoons. If you would've had Saturday morning cartoons in the desert... Comforted means they were shown the way. When you know the way you are not worried. When the Baal Tefillah has no idea how to lead Davening, you are worried. I will be comforted when people in this shul learn how to be Daven and be Jews... I don't think half of the membership can find the shul... Then why do they never show up??? This is why everybody needs therapy and a speech about Snow White. Everybody is lost. Probably can't even figure out how to sing 'Jerusalem of Gold'... There is more to the song than the chorus... Did the Jews leave with eggs? They left with some wealth of the Egyptians. Must've been eggs... We are going to skip the Tu BShvat Seder this year. Frank has caused enough pain. With Frank, the price of eggs, Jews being chased by Egyptians, Ukraine and Snow White... Truly, you can learn everything from Cinderella and how her shoe fits. Rivka’s Rundown I had no idea there was more to 'Jerusalem of Gold' than the Hebrew lyrics 'Yerushalaim Shel Zahav.' It always gets me when these songs have verses too. The rabbi got up and gave his full sermon after the guest speaker spoke. The rabbi couldn’t let the long and painful Davening go. He had to talk about it, as well as how much he can't stand learning Torah from Snow White. The rabbi later went off on the harmony. He was not happy with how off-tune the shul is again. The guest speaker spoke about Snow White. He might have brought the Parsha into it somewhere. I am not sure. I think he brought the Parsha as proof to Snow White. Listening to these young guest speakers, I realize that my Torah education is lacking cartoons. It's my lack of knowledge of animation that has held me back in seminary. The congregants have a way of now giving credence to stuff by comparing it to Egypt. Two years ago they were comparing stuff to the Holocaust. Like, 'It's not fair that the prices on milk went up. It's like the Holocaust.' I have no idea what happened. I think that it's what COVID and the politicians did to people. Studies will come out that it made people crazy. Since the Ukraine war thing happened, now they compare that to our history. 'It's like slavery.' One person said, 'The price of the eggs is way to high. It's like Egypt.' Soon they'll be saying that bread is now expensive like Snow White. Eggs are now very expensive. We've started a charity fund to help people purchase eggs. I can't figure out why they're so expensive. I am guessing the chickens in Topeka got lazy. They talked about Egypt at the Tu BShvat Seder. I guess you can compare everything to Egypt. Even so, it would have made more sense if we didn't have the kids singing the Mah Nishtana. I think the people running the Seder thought it was Pesach. Now we only have two people who can lead services and one doesn’t show up We have lost members because they can't stand hearing themselves pray. We are thinking of bringing a choir to sing Motown just so the members don’t have to hear themselves. It’s painful. I think I'm skipping Kiddish next week. I can't listen to people comparing Snow White, dwarfs and Ukraine to Egypt again. The true lesson is to not watch Disney. An anti-Semite. Do they have cheap eggs in Ukraine? That's something I want to know. I would like a sermon on that. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Bo1/29/2023
Announcements
The Shabbat youth group weekend is happening again next week. Last time was a great success. Five teenagers showed and there were no issues in the shul. We are hoping for fewer teens this time. Shabbis groups for the kids are now starting at 9am, when we start shul. The idea is to not have to see the kids in shul. Please support the day school in their fundraiser. The kid needs it. We have seen what a lack of Jewish education has done to Michael. Class on how gambling is idol worship will take place next Tuesday. The rabbi doesn't support gambling. Yet, he's made it clear that it would be impossible for membership to give less money than they give right now. So, he is not worried about anybody losing money. A class on how to gamble right will follow, so that some of you might pay dues. The bakery is back up and men in the back left section have put on weight. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Support kids month… Sending them to the Jewish day school and paying tuition is not enough. I would like to get a new stereo system for my car… (Shemot 10:1) 'H' tells Moshe, 'Go to Paroh for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants.' Why H' hardened the heart of board, I don't know. They're a Paroh to the shul. Like locusts in the chapel... I've tried leaving, but they tell me I will not get paid... It's with these signs, the plagues, that the people can leave. But Paroh doesn't let everybody leave... The plague of the president and the sisterhood. They are always around. Covering the shul... (10:8) Paroh asks who is going to go with them to serve H.' Paroh doesn't understand that you can never get away from the family. They follow you everywhere. Even worse, the congregants. They follow you everywhere... Paroh is thinking a holiday is celebrated away from the family. That's when you can have a good time. He doesn't understand Jewish life. (10:9) Moshe tells Paroh that everybody is going for it is a Chag. We are all part of this congregation when it comes to celebrating... We have not had a Bar Mitzvah in while... Nobody wants to sponsor a Kiddish.. Not just the annoying people who have a hardened heart… A cheap heart. This congregation has a cheap, won't spend fifteen dollars on a babka heart... The bakery is open. Support them. We've had enough packaged babka. It's time to get the fresh babka back... Even if it costs an extra thirteen dollars... It wasn't a shul picnic. The holidays is when everybody joins. We should leave the family out of the shul BBQs... When everybody goes on that it is very annoying. You can't even get a burger... The shul ski trip is even worse. We lost eight kids on that. You don't take kids with you to lose them... The whole congregation includes the youth. But they go to groups. They went out with us too... They definitely had youth groups. You don't want them around... You can't leave them. Teenagers don't come to shul. They sleep... I don't know if they left Egypt with everybody. I think they tried leaving them behind... They would've been complaining the whole trip... 'It says 'children and elders... women...' It leaves out teenagers. Have you ever tried having a peaceful holiday with teenagers??? There is a reason for youth groups. The best youth weekend we had was when no youth came. Rachel was the happiest I have ever seen as the head of the sisterhood... Shabbis groups for the kids is different... The idea is to take the little ones to shul and to keep them away from the congregation. Drop them off away from the shul, in a room on the other side... They come because it is dangerous to leave them at home alone... The pasuk continues, (Shemot 10:1) H' hardens their hearts so His signs can be seen in their midst... I just hope you can see H's signs in this congregation. Signs of what not to do. How not to treat a rabbi. There is no Kiddish... H' with the board Being scared is worshiping idols. Seeing H' and His signs are worshiping H'... ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight’… I did not come up with that ad. We can celebrate with a good Kiddish finally. The bakery is good for Pareve cakes… No butter. It’s not easy... Yet. You choose to not see H's signs and you harden your own heart. You worship your being bad congregants... You and your hardened hearts. And I still get across the message that you do everything wrong. Manifesting H' even with your teenagers and disappointing Enetenmann's Kiddishes, worshiping packaged cakes... Why did H' have Moshe and Aharon speak to Paroh when his heart was hardened? It would've been easier to talk to Paroh when he was willing to listen. Catch Paroh at a time where he wasn't contrary. But that is how H' is manifest. When we push through hardness... This is why I give sermons to you. I have not met a not hardened heart in this shul. A congregation of hardened hearts. I know H' is in our midst when I see all the angry faces in the women's section... If there were decent baked goods for Kiddish, you wouldn't be so angry. You would have softer hearts. Hearts like a good sponge cake... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi said that if H' gave Paroh the plague of the board and the sisterhood he would've let the Jews go right away. Nobody wants teens in shul. Some of the little kids still come into the shul. They cling to their parents. The only way to get them out of the shul is to give them more candy. They don't have enough candy at Shabbis groups. The youth director is about to quit. She can't stand that the parents throw all their issues on her. She calls the kids 'issues.' If you have candy, these kids will do whatever you want. They’ll jump. They’ll even sit. Lollypops are like kiddie biscuits.She doesn't get it. If she gave the kids more sweets they would relax. The more sugar you give kids the less they run around, and the more they listen. The shul is too focused on kids now. It was decided to make July kids month, so that the parents can be encouraged to send them to camp and we don't have to see them. The fight for kids month went on for a while, as many contended 'their plight must be heard.' Most parents didn't agree with that, as they wanted to get sleep. Some people wanted to cancel kids month altogether, but we couldn't do that. Even if the kids are racist, we can't cancel them. I am just sick of giving money to the kids. What is their plight anyways? More recess. I think we have to take the message from the Parsha and ask why the little kids are here when it's not a holiday? A bunch of idol worshipers came to shul because of the email ad. The ad, ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight,’ did draw people's attention. Yet, it did not have the right message for the non-heathens. The rabbi didn’t say anything about better parenting. He has given up on that. He realizes he’ll get money from the parents before expecting them to be decent people. I get my pastry at the supermarket. It’s a twelfth of the price. I don’t need fresh cake when I am saving up for a decent vacation. And the supermarket babka is much better a week later. It's the kind of freshness that doesn’t go away for a few months. That’s good fresh. The kind of coagulated sugar freshness. I love those cakes. The problem is they're serving the Entenmann's cakes too soon. They need to serve them closer to the expiration date. The Melaveh Malka should’ve had bakery babka though. That would've been nice last week. The bakery babka is more Jewish and a Melaveh Malka is Jewish. That's what the rabbi said. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Va'eira1/22/2023
Announcements
We are going to keep sending a lot of emails to remind you about events that we reminded you about. The emails will be the day of and the week of. And the week of too. There will be three emails the week of every program. We will also send emails for Shabbis. It appears the congregants of our shul forget about that. Note that will be seen in emails: Shabbat is every Friday night and Saturday. Every week. There will be no trip to Israel this year. Instead, we'll be going to Nashville. It’s a tourist spot and Jews like going there. The members want a vacation. To quote Bernie: ‘If I get away from stuff and have to see Jews, that’s not getting away from stuff.’ For this reason, people will go alone on this year's shul trip. You can book through Orbitz or Travelocity and not have to see other members on the shul trip. Melaveh Malka Program will happen after Shabbat, to escort Shabbat out with food. That means there will be a fourth Shabbat meal. Right after Shabbat, you will have to eat more. We will send out emails about the Melaveh Malka, the bakery being open and the Israel trip to Nashville. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils… (Shemot 6:9) 'Moshe spoke this to Bnei Yisrael and they didn't listen to him due to shortness of breath and hard work.' Man. This congregation is lazy... The people didn't listen to Moshe because of shortness of breath. When you're out of shape like Eve... This congregation is just out of shape. The congregants are not suffering from hard labor. Nobody in this shul works... I am talking manual labor. The kind of labor which translates to help in the shul kitchen. Maybe somebody leading in services every once in a while... You don't help. When it came to building the Sukkah… Because you’re always out of breath. You’re out of shape. There is no other explanation for why this congregation is so lazy... Reading an email is not labor, and you don't even do that... That's why we send them all the time. Because you don't read them... You called me a Paroh when I asked you to help build the Sukkah... Not one member volunteered. The Chanukah party was 'serve yourself'... It was buffet because nobody helped. Not one volunteer. The table was not even set up. People had to take their latkes from the oven... It was a catered event. You don’t sell a catered event where the people have to take their own food out of the oven... The youth even had to go in. I saw Tina and Chaim passing oven mitts to each other. Third graders with oven mittens... Nothing to do with the winter, Fran. I now understand why none of you read the announcements or listen to my sermons, or help. This is the most out of shape congregation... Everybody up… No. Exercise is good labor. You get breath from exercise... You have really taken this slavery thing way too far. You can go to the gym... It was 4,000 years ago. You can workout now. They didn't have gyms in Egypt... Too many emails??? You don’t show up. That’s why we send them… Exactly. Even when we tell you the day before, you forget. We have to send it once the program starts… You only show up to stuff late. I know that, because none of you have ever shown up to Davening on time... Kotzer Ruach (shortness of breath) should not be happening when you're walking up for an Aliyah... I am tired of sending of the emails. I have Kotzer Ruach from sending emails. Shabbat is every weekend. It doesn't change... I have to send an email because you people... If you know. Why don't you come?!... If we had the money, we would send a calendar every week. But it's emails... Can't you just hang a calendar in the kitchen that tells you to go to shul every once in a while??? Maybe something that also tells you to go to Israel, because you're Jewish... You go to Israel. How is the shul trip not in Israel? Who took Israel out of the Jewish people? Do I need to send an email to the board to let them know that Israel is the Jewish homeland?!.. Well. When did you get rid of Israel??? I am going to Israel, because I am Jewish... Now we need an email for the Melaveh Malka too?! It's right after Shabbis... I can't send emails on Shabbis. If you knew it was Shabbis, you would know that... You should come for the Melaveh Malka. It’s for your mom’s memory… You didn’t see it? What do you mean you don’t read the emails? It’s up to you to find it in there... You're flying out after Shabbis. How are you going to skip your mother's Melaveh Malka?... Not knowing is not an excuse... A Melaveh Malka happens when you do a Melaveh Malka. That’s the program… You don’t do a Melaveh Malka when you’re welcoming Shabbis… Because the Shabbis queen is being ushered in, not escorted out… Yes. You have to eat after Shabbat too. You have to eat more... And Kiddish was shvach again. No decent baked goods. Do we have to send emails that the bakery is open and you should sponsor a decent Kiddish… No. You don’t sponsor Kiddish. You sponsor a good Kiddish. A Kiddish with decent baked goods. Not Kichel... (Shemot 6:6-8) H' hears our cries and he tells us that He will bring us out, save us, redeem us, and take us from Egypt. Save us from the harsh work.... You are my Egypt. I am praying Gd hears my cries and redeems me from here... This is why I am going to Israel. As H's last aspect of redemption, 'And I will bring you to the land...' And you guys are doing a shul trip to Nashville. I am redeemed... In Israel, people walk. Health. They're not out of breath... Now they’re crying… Kim. Please come back up. They're falling asleep again. I think Max is out of breath form sitting... It's not hard work to sit. You should not be sweating from your seat... Bernie has been tired for years. Sleeping again during the sermon... This congregation is hard work... Help. Please. Just help. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi had us doing calisthenics in the middle of the Sermon. The aerobics instructor of the JCC had people reaching side to side. In the middle of the sermon, we heard 'And side to side. And to the left. And to the right. And back. And side.' She must have said 'and' thirty times. Some members confused the grapevine for Simcha dancing. The rabbi then required all congregants to get blood tests and eight hours of sleep a night, so they would listen to his sermons. He even told people to walk to shul, so they won’t be disgusting. I thought it was a great Kiruv move. The rabbi told people to stop working, so they can be better Jews. His message was to stop working and to start working out. I think they misunderstood him though, as he was talking about not working on Shabbat. Now we're stuck with more congregants not paying their dues, and driving to shul on Shabbis. They forgot about the rabbi's message about walking to shul to not be disgusting. They argued that walking is work. There is now preDavening mandatory weight lifting. The rabbi is now showing up to weekday Shacharit in a singlet. That catered event should've been catered. Thirty dollars to take my own latke out of the oven was a bit much. Emails are out of control. They’re now doing three a days. I think the office manager was a football player. Maybe it's part of the rabbi's new exercise routine. They’re announcing everything. They’re even announcing Shiva times. Now Shiva is a regular service at the place. I am against the rabbi on the emails. And if people don't read the emails, why are they sending them. That's not logic to me. And yes, the shul's emails go straight to my spam. I did it. I support the rabbi and I push everything from his office straight to spam. I even told Gmail that what he sends is spam. I support his sermons and what he does for the community, but online I am against him. Israel was taken out of the shul’s policy. Not part of the focus anymore. The board cancelled the trip. They said that it was more popular to go other places. Using Pesach hotels as an example, the board argued Jews should go to Cancun before going to Israel. The board also made it clear that for the pilgrimage festivals you’re supposed to go to places that have decent prices on hotels. We are going to Morocco this year for Pesach. I don’t know if you can bring sacrifices there. But it's a good deal. Kosher cruises are an anomaly to me. That's something I can't figure out. Why people would try to get away and still have to go to Minyin. When people got back from the shul trip, they were so happy. I think this was the first shul trip people enjoyed. People were ecstatic. It was decided that from now on, for people's enjoyment, shul trips will be without people from the shul. To get away from the congregants some of the members went to Israel with the rabbi. They said they would rather be around Jews than members of our shul. The rabbi agreed, saying, ‘I will go anywhere to get away from members of the board.’ Nobody heard about the Melaveh Malka program in memory of Sue. Her children didn’t know and the president blamed them for not coming. Let me be honest. Nobody reads the emails. They should've called Sue's kids. Truth is you can’t find anything in the announcements. There are fifteen flyers. Sue's was the forest green. Sue’s name was written in forest green on a forest green flyer, in the middle of flyers for junior congregation and a shul trip to get away from shul. Nobody knew what a Melaveh Malka is anyways. Nobody knew about eating after Shabbis. That was a shocker to me too. Most of the members were complaining that it was too much to have to eat three huge meals on Shabbis. They claimed to eat another meal was crazy. They said that if they eat another meal they'll be out of shape. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Shemot1/15/2023
Announcements
We have heard a lot of complaints about the new windows. To be clear, they're stained glass. They're meant to not be able to used. Not being able to see through them is something the board didn't realize would happen when you stain the glass. Not being able to open them was just a mistake. The contractor stated, 'I thought that since you wanted stained glass, you wanted something not practical.' And that is why the youth lounge has pews in it. We found a Tallis. We are assuming somebody lost it, as it is not wearable. It is a Tallis neck-wrap scarf and we're worried somebody is cold. The shul was broken into. They stole money from the office. Nobody should worry. It was not an act of anti-Semitism. It was just crime. So, everybody should feel comfortable coming to shul. The Sisterhood will have its monthly argument on Wednesday. The class is called off, as the rabbi is sick of teaching you... The rabbi's next series will focus on how to find sources and not bother the rabbi. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom my pupils... (Shemot 1:8-10) There’s a ‘new king in Egypt that did know Yosef.’ So, they worry about the Jews becoming greater than them and working with their enemies… The same way the board worries about me working with religious people. A bunch of heretics… (Shemot 1:13) And so they made them build storage cities. ‘And the Egyptians enslaved the Children of Israel with hard work.’ BiFarech. With harshness. Grueling labor. That’s how you work me… Well. Listening to your ideas for shul upgrades and new committees is gruelingly painful… The stained glass window subcommittee... Why did you even have that?! No. You don't get stained glass. Every time I listen to your ideas, it's building a storage city... That's how painful you are... Ever had a boss you hated?! A Mitzri!!! All because Paroh didn’t know Yosef. If he would’ve known Yosef, he would’ve known of commitment. If he would’ve gotten to know our congregants, Paroh would’ve known of how people weasel out of meetings and paying dues… You haven’t donated a thing for… I see not one plaque... Yosef was a decent guy. To know Yosef is to love him... I'm telling you. If you knew Yosef, you would never give him work. When things are harsh, you can’t think of anything else… You’re a slave… I’m a slave to the messed up stained glass windows… Is that a blue bird?! It’s a shul. You do a dove. For crying out loud. A dove… You enslave with harsh work. This job is slave labor... You’re slaves to this guy breaking in… Maybe it’s a woman. There has been enough female chauvinism going on here… You have nothing. Have Bitachon that nobody will steal your stuff… You have nothing of value… No. You lost your Tallis. That wasn’t stolen... Nobody is going to steal a scarf with tassels on it. Other than your Tallis, what are they stealing?... They don’t know what Tefillin are. How are they going to sell that on the black market. It was not somebody who hated Jews. The burglar might have been one of our very own... Not paying dues is the same as stealing. Somebody is not cleaning up... It was lost by your seat, Shlomo. Tallises don’t run. Stop saying your Tallis was stolen... You're wearing it. You misplaced it and blamed the burglar for stealing your Tallis. That's just wrong... You didn’t even tie it right… The string is all wrapped wrong... It’s in the shape of a scarf. Do you wear it under your coat in the winter? He then commanded them to kill all the newborn Jewish males. Is that what the congregants are planning to do to me... If you don’t know, you worry. What I am trying to say is learn a little Torah... If you learn, you'll know something and you won't start killing babies... If you can’t see... They are not windows. You can't see through them… Yes. I worry that this shul is more and more messed up. Can’t see. If you can’t see through the window, it’s not a window. It’s a wall… Maybe a door. You could’ve put up a canvas. It’s just as much of a window as the stained glass… You painted it opaque. If they were to take a second out and to get to know them. They wouldn’t have been worried. They would see how good they were. They would've seen the commitment. The giving nature… If you would’ve thought for a second, you wouldn’t have got the stained glass… You would’ve gotten windows that work as windows. You would have not lost your Tallis… Well. You don’t know your Tallis well? Do you? You couldn’t even spot it in the lost and found… There was no other Tallis there. We put all the other Tallises on the rack. If he knew us, he wouldn’t have broken into the shul. He would’ve asked us kindly for our money, and we would give it. There’s a new president in the shul who doesn’t know me… Then he’s just an idiot… Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi has a right to be paranoid. They didn’t given him a raise last year. The rabbi’s point about the windows not being windows is extremely valid. A lot of debate as to whether the stained glass windows are really windows. The board looked it up, and the Gemara doesn't deal with this topic. It turns out the shul’s lost and found is half full of Michael’s toys. His parents don’t teach him to clean up. The other half is Talli scarves. Some guys in our shul do the French Tallis wrap around the neck. One guy bought his Tallis to keep warm in the winter. Which is why I always suggest the big shawls. A lot of break-ins in the area, and we can't get a Minyin. The rabbi was thinking about trying to ask the burglar to join as a tenth. People are truly not worried. Since the guy didn’t write ‘Jews’ anywhere, everybody was relieved. As long as it’s just a crime against people, everybody is happy coming to shul Shabbis morning. Breaking into cars was wrong. He could’ve just as easily found the keys in the shul over Shabbis. All the men leave their keys there. If he wanted to know, even I can tell him to look behind the books on the fourth shelf. All the keys are there. Behind the books on the modern State of Israel. I like how the rabbi called half the congregation thieves for not paying dues. The congregants don't help with anything the shul needs. The rabbi can't get them to come for Davening. Now, anytime somebody comes to shul for a Minyin, the rabbi considers it a break-in. The shul is full of liberal congregants. Without knowing the rabbi's concerns of getting a quorum, they suggested we invite the burglar to Minyin, so they can give him money. The rabbi and congregants finally agree on something. The rabbi wants a Minyin, and the liberal congregants want to consider the burglar a Jew. It works for everybody. The liberal congregants also want to show the burglar where the Torah is kept. As I have learned, the rabbi has never been sick. Over the course of his tenure, he has been sick of the congregants. Never had a fever. Just a lot of annoyance. And as the rabbi said, 'There is not one Yosef in this congregation... If Paroh would've gotten to know this congregation, he wouldn't have wasted his time. He would've seen how impossible it is to get anybody to lift a finger and help... He would’ve been happy letting you be. Not having to answer your questions…' Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYechi1/8/2023
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There are many new volunteer opportunities. There's always volunteer opportunities in our shul. The board is always willing to let people do work and not pay them. That is a direct quote of our rabbi who does not get paid enough. 'Does not get paid enough' is also a direct quote. Shlomo wasn't invited to the shul dinner. He is angry, as his brother is being honored. He felt he should know about his family being honored, and nobody told him. He is angry and he is enjoying it. Be prepared. If you have a conversation with Shlomo, he's going to complain about the committee and blame the shul for him not being at his brother's affair. Shul dinner will take place next week. Now Shlomo knows, if he would like to cancel his business trip. Don't miss out on the evening to not miss. The dinner only costs two hundred seventy five dollars a plate. And you get schnitzel. The rabbi will keep giving long sermons, cause you people are annoying. The Acts of Kindness of the Week: Rabbi said there were none, as the people in our shul are not kind, and he wants a raise. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Children... On his deathbed, Yakove says to Yosef, (Bereishit 47:29) ‘And do with me kindness and truth- please don’t bury me in Egypt.’ Don’t bury me in Topeka. Please. I beg. I do not want to see congregants after I am dead. I see what people do to the rebbes... My grave is going to have a footstone reading ‘at rest,’ so you don’t bother me with questions and requests... They don't sell deathbeds. It's not a type of bed. Nobody would buy deathbeds. You can't market a bed that brings death... Even if family thought it was a very comfortable bed, no sick person would want to hear that their family bought them the deathbed... Even if it has cotton from Giza. Chesed and Emet. Kindness and Truth. Rashi explains that ‘kindness done for those who have died is kindness of truth, as one is not looking for payment of remuneration.’ My job is kindness of truth. The amount I get paid… An act of kindness would be to pay me as your rabbi, and not bother me with questions all the time… You do kindness to be kind. Do I have to explain this.... Not for a name. Every act any member has ever done has been to get something. Why do you think we have a plaque on the ark. It reads ‘The Simkawitz Family’… It should read ‘Gd.’ Donated by Gd. The Torah was donated by the Holy One... You all want. You do stuff to be popular… You don’t play baseball because you’re not good at it... You volunteer, you want to get paid… That’s not volunteering. If you get paid, it’s not volunteering... Even if other people wanted you to do it. If they pay you. The difference between volunteering and working is payment... I will not pay you to come to Minyin. You gave Tzedakah. You want a plaque. Your acts of kindness are pathetic… But if they don’t know. Exactly. You visit the sick, it doesn’t need a community wide announcement in the newspaper… Or the bulletin… What are these announcements of people being useful… Let’s clap for them. We will take a moment now to applaud everybody in the shul who has ever helped, so they finally can get the credit they deserve... I'm done. None of you do true kindness. You all want something... Shlomo has a right to be mad… The board is messed up… Chesed would be telling Shlomo his family is being honored… An email is not enough. Have you seen your emails??? They have eighty announcements... If you had one announcement a week that people cared about... Yes. That would also be Chesed... Why don't you volunteer to make less announcements and let people Know what is important, like when their family is being honored... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi got rid of the acts of kindness weekly announcement, as people were just doing the kindness for the reputation. One congregant picked up an old person’s bags at the supermarket and took a selfie. Posted the selfie and wrote, ‘I am helping,’ and everybody liked it. Why did we have an Acts of Kindness announcement? The board felt it would encourage people to help. They heard it works for third graders. The thing that bothered me the most was the acts of kindness song. 'You're all good. You're all kind. Will you be mine.' The deathbed conversation continued, and Pinker's Mattresses started selling The Deathbed. It was marketed as, 'This bed is so comfortable, you'll never want to get out of it.' A good half hour discussion was had in the middle of the sermon as to what constitutes volunteering. The rabbi made it clear that anything Bernie does is not volunteering. The rabbi said that whatever Bernie does is annoying and it gets in the way. Many congregants argued that getting in the way is volunteering. And many congregants started volunteering to get in the way. Now, there are thirty Kiddish volunteers, and they all get in the way. To note, Bernie was in the acts of kindness song. The emails are too much. Shlomo is right. You have to confirm the person saw it. Shlomo is loving it. He’s milking it. It is a very rare occurrence that somebody has the right to complain and is totally correct. He brings it up everywhere. We were at the kid’s indoor soccer game and he started going off on how he knew about it because the coach called him, unlike the shul. He also said he will be donating money to the coach, and he’ll start Davening at soccer games. Shlomo will be using this complaint for the next couple of years. And he will probably use it to get out of paying his dues. Tags:
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New Year's Eve the shul will have Minyin. Leftover latke party is going to happen on New Year's. We need to find a way to get rid of the latkes. The leftover latkes are due to the horrific latkes served at the shul's Chanukah party. We're going to fry them again, to hopefully hide the original taste of the Lefkowitz family recipe. Another haircut is taking place this week. You must attend the three year old's haircut party. Upshering. Yes. That’s a celebration now too. Got to get them a gift for that haircut as well... Clips are good for long hair. Clips also work for Kippahs. Anim Zemirot dads are asked to stay away from the Bima, or they will be ejected from shul. If you want to be involved in Anim Zemirot, teach your kids at home. The only two families who paid full tuition for their children's Jewish education have realized they've been scammed. It turns out, they too don't want to pay full tuition now, because they have the money. The school fundraiser will take place again this month. The goal is for nobody to have to pay full tuition. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants... Thank Gd people don’t read the announcements and people showed up today. First time people show up... Nobody expected anybody in the cold. But you were going sledding anyways... I worry about your Yiddishkeit. Your connection to Gd. Your going to Gehenim... Yehuda is worried about Binyamin getting in trouble. Yakov didn't want him to take Binyamin because he was worried something bad will happen. Kind of like every time the board makes a decision... (Bereisit 44:29) ‘If you take this one too from me, and tragedy happens to him, you will bring my years down to the grave in misery'... Yakov wasn't working for Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He did not have Bernie as a congregant, or Sadie getting mad at him for not hitting thirty minutes on his sermon last week. He didn't have a president who doesn't know what an Upshering is. Yet. He is worried about Binyamin. And he has deep hurt deep inside of him... Congregants can bring you down to the grave in misery... Yakov wanted a good ending. He knew his years were coming to an end, and he was comforted by knowing a piece of his Rachel was still around... Our president gets rid of every piece of tradition we ever had... Then where is the huge craps Dreidel for Chanukah... I know that kids sitting next to the number has a casino feeling. That's what we want. People like going to the casinos... In this case. The casino Dreidel brings families together... Binyamin was goodness to him. It's what he represented. He didn't represent the messed up traditions and board of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Rashi teaches ‘Now, when he is near me, I comfort myself regarding his mother and Yosef (who are gone), and if he dies it will be as if the three of them died on one day.’ Yes. Menachem. It is a lot. A lot rides on you. I see the back left of the men's section, and I see the board, I see the messed up Upshering hairdo, I see the latkes from the latke party, and I see Bernie, and I see the death of our shul... You could've gotten a barber to do the Upshering... There's no Mitzvah to give your kid a Number 2... Number 2 on the shaver teeth is not a style... Let’s talk about Nachis for a second, and how you let your parents down… Binyamin brings Yaakov Nachis. The next generation is a comfort... Well it should be. I know your kids let you down Fran. I see them every Shabbis. A great letdown. When you see how they mess up, grandparents are not comforted. Still in their snow-boots... Well, take off the snow-boots. You're not sledding in shul... New Year’s is coming up. What can you do... Well. You didn't do Teshuva on Rosh Hashana. Maybe now is the time. When the big apple drops. Did you even dip your apple in the honey on Rosh Hashana... Nachis. There is no Nachis in an Upshering... We can’t celebrate everything. It’s a haircut. You’re not getting gifts from me. People are going broke on gifts… It’s your fault you had the party right after Chaukah. Yaakov took pride, but he wasn’t annoying about it. You up there for Anim Zemirot. We don't even hear your kids... We hear you. You get involved in Anim Zemirot like your child is an athlete… They’re leading services. You stand there. Let the Gabai do his job. He’ll make sure your child finishes it fast… Nobody wants to hear your kid singing… Yes. Even Adon Olam. Everybody wants the fast tune... You want to comfort me? How about you pay tuition for your kids. Maybe pay shul dues... How do we find comfort? I don't know. I am the rabbi of this congregation. I am still trying to figure out how to find Nachis... Why is it called Nachis? Finally a good question. It's called Nachis, because your progeny is supposed to bring you comfort... For you messing up. Why do you think Tzimi takes his kids' Anim Zemirot so seriously?! He did a bad job when he was younger. So, he needs the Nachis... No. Let the Gabai be there. You're messing up your kids too. You want your kids ending up like the brothers? Then, don’t pay Jewish day school tuition... You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school... We have a new fundraiser every month, so that parents don't pay. The rest of the community pays for their day school education... No. Parents don't get Nachis from their kids. They want to save on their education... No comfort here. You have brought me down in misery… This is why people drink on New Year’s. None of you are a Binyamin. Not one Binyamin in the shul. Just Bens... Any resolutions?... I am going to try to avoid the board this year... Rivka’s Rundown Best fundraiser ever. 'You want our kids ending up like Bernie? Then, don't pay for our kids to be educated at the Jewish day school.' Tons of money was raised. As long as it's not called tuition, people will give. Two families fell for it last year. They paid the full tuition. They thought full tuition meant they should pay full tuition. For some reason, they’re mad their wealthier friends don’t pay it. From our Sages: How do you become wealthy in the Jewish community? You don't pay Jewish day school tuition. Anim Zemirot dads are bad. What’s worse is Anim Zemirot moms. They’re yelling, coming in so loud from the women’s section. I heard one mom throw her hands up and yell out, ‘Come on Gabai!’ When the rabbi said 'everybody wants the fast tunes,' people got up and started cheering. That's the first time people cheered in the shul. It started with emotional applause, even though your not supposed to do that on Shabbis (yet, they were already sledding). Then people started standing up and cheering for the rabbi. We're not going to discuss the ark opening dads. They get violent. One dad threw another kid aside so his kid could pull the curtain string. The Upshering hairdo was messed up. If the dad cared about his kids, he would focus on a better haircut, and not Anim Zemirot. We’re celebrating everything. Everything is a party in our shul now, and you have to buy gifts for everything. We had eighteen parties for one engagement. A vort, Lechaim, Shabbat Chatan, Shabbat Kallah, Ufroof, the in-laws had it all, the friends had to have it too. Then, everything has to be celebrated by the other side. Also had the shower. Then they wanted to know why nobody wanted to buy them wedding gifts. I stopped buying gifts for people, and it’s helped my finances a lot. I get invited to less parties now, and I am a much happier member of the community. The less people like me, the more I like coming to shul. The huge Dreidel for the Chanukah spin game, and the kids standing next to the letter they are picking is an amazing gambling concept. One night where congregants don't go to the casino. And they didn't do it this year. In response, the casino served Sufganiot. And the New Year's party was not much of a celebration. The latkes killed that party too. Tags:
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Kids are mad about their gifts again this year. One kid threw his Rubik's Cube and yelled, 'Are we living in the 1980s?!!!' He then went on, 'They didn't buy me a computer for Chanukah because my parents don't love me.' Falafel latkes was a disappointment to all. They tasted exactly like falafel. And they looked like falafel. Now, the community has no idea what to do for the Yom HaAtzmaut celebration this year. It's snowing and windy. We'll see you in shul next week. Shabbis candle lighting times are after Chanukah candle lighting times, whenever that is. Sisterhood meeting will take place at the Sokolich residence. This way Mrs. Sokolich can air her grievances about the flower arrangements and the new head of the sisterhood who she doesn't like. She will also serve tea and coffee to let you know how coffee at Kiddish should taste. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils… If you cared, you'd figure out the Chanukah lighting times... The times are important. But you forgot them... Paroh had a bad dream… I had a bad dream. Killed me. Woke me up. I dreamt I was still working at Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah in seven years… I had a second bad dream too. I dreamt Bernie didn’t move down to Florida, and he was still here in seven years. The Gabai explained my dreams to me. He said it will be seven bad years with annoying congregants and a president you can’t stand… No good years. Just seven bad years. A president who forgets stuff. You forget everything decent... Like Shabbis times and when Minyin is. And when to light Chanukah candles. And whose kid is getting Bar Mitzvahed... You make the wrong announcements. Paroh can’t get anybody to explain his dreams. At least I have the Gabai. And even he can’t explain the president or Bernie to me… It's Paroh. I wanted to reiterate that for the president, so he remembers who had the dreams when he gives announcements... All the sudden, the Head of Drinks comes and tells Paroh, (Bereishit 41:9-13) ‘My sin, I remember today… me and the Chamberlain of the Bakers… there was a Hebrew youth with us, a slave of the Head of the Butchers, and we told him, and he interpreted our dreams…’ You guys can't even remember your sins... Well let me help you. Not showing to shul. Not visiting the sick. Throwing your parents in nursing homes and never visiting. Do you keep Kosher?... That's another one. Lashon Hara. You all talk bad about everybody... I rebuke you in the sermons. It's to your face. Not educating your kids correctly. Karban Pesach... All the sudden, he remembers Yosef. You didn't remember my raise. There was no all the sudden with that... The Head of Drinks forgot. Kind of like the time the president forgot to tell me. ‘Ooops. We announced Shabbis for 5:30 instead of 4:30…’ Yes. That’s a big deal. People are starting Shabbis on Shabbis... An Am HaAretz. I don't know why we print the announcements anyways... Just read them. Stop being creative and people will know when to light candles. Am HaAretz... His sin Why does he say ‘My sin’? What’s his sin? He forgot the good Yosef did for him. You don’t forget the good people do for you. Unless if you’re one of my congregants... It's a sin to forget the good people do for you. HaKarat HaTov. Recognize the good... You can't recognize the good if you forget it all the time... It's easy to remember the bad. Just look at Bernie... If Head of Drinks was in this shul, he would've forgotten the lighting times. You guys light your Chanukah candles at the weirdest hours... I know, because I have to sit in meetings with you people. And the meetings go on. And they go on. You guys don't stop. You talk about nothing... Your definitely not talking about Chanukah lighting times. You forgot to turn on the heating in the sanctuary today… Yes. It’s a sin. When you forget, people freeze. Yosef suffered because the Drink guy forgot... You forgot to filter the coffee. You killed Kiddish. Nobody likes the coffee. Mrs. Sokolich is right… If the Head of the Drinks had made coffee like that, Paroh would’ve killed him too… Yes. The Chamberlain of the Cupbearers. What? Are we living in 15th century England?! Head of Drinks... If he forgot to add creamer like the new head of the sisterhood, Paroh would've killed him... I had a nightmare that I would eat falafel instead of latkes, and it came true... H' interpreted it for me. The dream meant I would have to attend a really not good Chanukah party... Yes. I remembered to show up to the shul's Chanukah party, because I care. Most parents don't care. If you cared about your kid, you would've gotten him something other than a Rubik's Cube... Yes. That shows you don't love him... It's good not many people are here today... They didn't forget. They just don't want to come to shul... It's not COVID. You can't use COVID as an excuse anymore... Rivka’s Rundown A lot of forgetting in our congregation. I think the rabbi has to give the same message each week, because people forget they're wrong. The rabbi went through everybody's sins. He even brought up Chanan being single and how that's a sin. The single girls in the congregation started crying in the middle of the sermon. They thought they just felt bad about not having kids. They now heard they're sinning too. I think the rabbi is going to reuse this sermon for the Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeal. He saw people crying and he likes to exude tears with those sermons. Three years back, his Yizkur Appeal was about how singles are losers. They cried then too. The rabbi wasn't talking to many people. They didn't show up because of the snow. It's amazing how Sakanat Nifashot, danger to life, because the most important law when it comes to going to shul. None of the congregants have ever been worried about their life at the supermarket. It's cold in shul. Most people wouldn't know that as they don't show up. They're still using COVID to get out of coming to shul during the summer months. During the winter it's nippy. Kiddish coffee has not been good. I think they're serving decaf now. Parents are starting to buy more stuff for their kids. They find it easier to not have to talk to them and to express their love with gifts. One parent gave their kid a gift certificate tot he Dollar Tree and said, 'That's eighteen gifts... That's how much I love you. None of your friends got eighteen gifts.' One of the kids friends got a gaming laptop. To which the mom told their kid, 'But that's only one.' Like fools, they lit at the end of the Chanukah party. Even at the Chanukah party they couldn't get the lighting right. You light when people come. A board member said it was too dangerous to light around people, as there are kids. And so nobody saw it. And because the members forgot how to do a Mitzvah, the only miracle of Chanukah the community saw was the bouncy house. Tags:
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The wind is picking up outside. We suggest men wear winter hats to keep the Kippah down. It's very hard to attain a successful Kippah clampdown with your hand, and to keep warm at the same time. The Shabbat compost bin is the trash can. That means you throw your trash in the compost, unless if it is trash. If it's real trash, you throw it in the trashcan. Your trash will be put in the earth. Our shul supports littering. Our children are very good at it. They're very good at throwing their candy on the floor. They compost the wrappers. Community Chanukah party will take place on Tuesday night. This way less people will show up and there will be less secret Maccabees. The Latke and Hamentashen debate will not take place this year, as nobody cares to hear people arguing over which is better. It all depends on who makes them. And we all know that if Mrs. Friedberg is making the latkes, they will not taste good. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Root of all evil. Jealousy… It’s also the Gabai. I understand. But it’s jealousy and the president… Well, you kill the shul. Yosef tells his brothers about the dreams. He would've told the board that he dreamt that the maintenance of the shul was done... The ballroom is in shambles. It will never get done. With the board at the helm. You can't dream of any committee in this congregation doing anything… (Bereishit 36:11) ‘And his brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter.’ None of them got good sleep… They didn’t have a decent coat. Everybody wanted a decent coat… Not for the colors. But for the extra padding in the cold. It gets cold in the desert at night. One brother gets a decent coat, you get jealous... You get good sleep and you can dream. The brothers were freezing, tossing and turning... Yakov knew that jealousy was worse than hatred. It wasn’t the hatred that threw Yosef in the pit. It was the jealousy. Which is why I always stay away from pits, and the Bima when the president is getting an Aliyah... I know I’m a good rabbi. I dreamt the other day that the shul had no board. And the Gabai listened to me… I also dreamt we had 11 men for a Minyin. That didn’t happen… 11, so that if one of you goes to the bathroom. You’re always going to the bathroom. You spend half of the services in the bathroom... The hallway, then. More harm takes place with jealousy... Nobody is jealous of your Kippah. It’s tiny. Whoever knitted it caused harm... Harm to our people. If it was bigger, you wouldn’t have to do a Kippah clampdown all the time. You will never be an athlete with a Kippah like that. You can't swing a bat and have one hand on your Kippah... You play without a Kippah. Then you're just a heretic... Jews wear Jewish clothes... Jewish clothes include the neon Kippot in our Kippah bin. Otherwise, the Kippah is flying all over... I know you all come to shul with your own Kippahs. We have the huge fluorescent yarmulkes as a message. To let you know you're Kippahs are way too small... Some of you bend for the Amidah and your Kippah flies off. I saw Shmuel's tiny Kippah fall into the Siddur. It was so flat and tiny, he couldn't find it between the pages... Jealousy. They threw him in the pit... You throw your trash in compost… Yosef was not compost… Exactly. Recycling is trash. Composting is trash too. We just put the trash back in the earth… Exactly. We don’t throw trash in the garbage. We litter. VeYeshev. Return it... I don't know what to do with that tiny Kippah. Maybe compost... No. Your kids throwing candy on the floor is a problem. Just like throwing your brother in a pit… Lessons we learn from fighting brothers... If they throw candy in the trash and not on the floor, there will be less jealousy. The kids hate having to throw things in the bin… No. You don’t put the wrapper trash in the compost trash. You put wrapper trash in the trash trash… They should throw your gifts on the ground... Bad gifts... Secret Maccabee?... I can care less if a Maccabee is offended. The fact that you found a way to make Maccabee sound like a Christian thing you do at your office.... In compost. Mrs. Friedberg’s latkes go in compost. Then they go in a pit... That's what you do with things you're trying to get rid of... Brothers should not be thrown in a pit. Those are the worst latkes I’ve ever tasted... Rivka’s Rundown I think the rabbi writes the announcements. I didn’t know our rabbi was an environmentalist. He purchased a new Road Ranger. Twelve seater. He has a coupe, but he refuses to drive it. He only drives the twelve seater. I think he just needed to let the congregants know they are wrong. He was against the compost bin when it started. He thought it was another recycle bin, and that is a waste. That never gets taken out of the shul. It’s just a pile of two liter bottles. With this new compost thing that started a year and a half ago, I still have no idea where to put my trash. It's very confusing. I think the rabbi was suggesting to compost the Chanukah gifts. And the Friedbergs can't cook. It's not Lashon Hara at this point. Everybody knows it. I believe it's Sakanat Nifashot to not warn people. It definitely will kill an Oneg Shabbis, or any Chag, for somebody. The shul hosted a Dreidel Gambling Debate. That turned into Solomon trying to get his money back from Phil from their poker night. The rabbi said poker nights are Asur (Forbidden). Since that talk the shul has split up into little poker groups that take place one Wednesdays. The board insisted they host all poker nights in the shul. The rabbi is pushing the shul’s huge neon Kippahs as the new style. He realizes that most of our older male members do not have a lot of hair and clips don't work. We are a poorly haired congregation. The clips don't work on Shmuel's tiny Kippah either. I think the clips are bigger than his Kippah. The women’s section is excellently wigged. That's why the rabbi doesn't address the women's head-coverings in the winter. The average back of the head of a woman in our shul juts out a good foot and a half. We had a Jewish clothing fair as part of the Chanukah party. They sold a lot of black hats and button down shirts. The skirts were too long for the toddlers. Many people wanted multi-colored coats. The rabbi insisted that coats with many colors aren't Jewish. It seems like brothers are always fighting in Bereishit. Birthrights and soup cause a lot of family quarrels. Tags:
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How every shul Chanukah party should looke (Photo: Aiken Standard- Landon Stamper)
This interview took place three days before the Chanukah party at the shul.
That's a very nice chair? It's the committee chair. You are the head of the committee? The chair. Why is it called a chair? Because the person heading the committee sits in a chair. They don't sit on a stool. Then they would call it a stool? You see. Nobody respects people sitting on a stool. They need a chair. That's why I'm the chair. That's a very nice chair. Why thank you. Bed Bath and Beyond. They sell that at Bed Bath and Beyond? At their online store. Black Friday deal. Very good deals on Black Friday. It was six percent off the suggested retail place. Should this be a chair, being that it's only for an event? You want to treat the event with Kavod. Respect. How did they chose the person to run the event? The chair? Yes. I said yes. I said I will do it, and they said, 'You're the one.' So. Nobody else wanted to help? Nope. Nobody else. They don't respect Chanukah. I respect Chanukah. So, you chaired this all alone? All alone. Thank Gd. It worked out so much better this way. It was my ideas and my ideas went through the committee. Unlike the Purim party last year, where we argued over whether we should serve Hamentashen or chocolate Danish. That was an argument? Four meetings. We sat in there for four meetings. There was a big split in the committee. The argument was that people eat Danish all year. The counter argument was people eat Danish all year. We ended up with a split in the committee. We had to have two different chairs. Everybody likes chocolate Danish. Exactly. What ended up happening at the Purim party? After much argument, they served latkes. No Danish? For Shalom in the shul, people ate the Danish and Hamentashen in their cars. People were running to and from the parking lot the whole Purim party. Especially the drinkers. They had their trunks open, eating Hamentashen. Tailgating Purim? They started tailgating everything. It's been a year since we had another committee meeting in the shul. Instead of meetings, people started hanging out outside of shul, drinking and having BBQs. How did you plan the Chanukah party? Food. A lot of food. Anything else? Activities and chocolate coins. The kids love the chocolate coins. That's an activity. Trying to open them. It can be very challenging to get that first little piece of foil folded over just right to have a clean chocolate approach. You do that wrong, you have to spend the rest of Chanukah cleaning your nails. Some parents complained about the danger. They're fools. If you raise a kid that thinks that eating tinfoil is safe, the kid's an idiot. And if they think it's money... These parents have to teach their children about currency. And that was a fifth grader who ate the tinfoil last year. I thought it was a toddler who put the chocolate foil in their mouth. It was too small. That too. We're going to have chocolate coins again this year. I'm going to make sure it happens. Did you get any pushback? There's no one else on the committee. Are there going to be gifts? Of course. What gifts? Anything from the Dollar Tree. All Chanukah gifts should be from the Dollar Tree. Any other gifts? No. Why not? A committee decision. Conclusion The committee chair also shared the other activities that will be happening. She insisted on the importance of Dreidel games, as this is the time of year our Jewish Kinder learn how to place bets correctly. She was also mad that the Purim committee didn't let the children drink last year. To quote, 'How else will they learn?' She made sure everybody had a good time. She started off the party with a speech about how everybody should respect Chanukah and the Dreidel game. She said that the Greeks would've cheated. She was a tough woman. I think she would've overpowered anybody on the committee. She was very stern about her ideas of what truly makes a Chanukah gift. She was adamant about the Dollar Tree. Most of the gifts at the Chanukah party were Silly Putty, miniature action figures and dish sponges. Some of the kids at the Chanukah party were not very happy with the laundry detergent pods. They got a 'Shin' on the Dreidel game. It was their fault. The angry kid remarked, 'You get more than two pods at Costco. That's where my mom shops.' Some of the toddlers were eating the miniature action figures. She told the parents to teach their kids that tiny dolls are not food. She was sitting in an extremely elaborate chair the whole interview. It was an Eliyahu Bris style looking chair. Very detailed woodwork. I I believe she used much of the budget for that chair. She felt that chairing the committee was the most important part of the event. There was no Menorah lighting at the event. The budget couldn't cover the Menorah. Tags:
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A Jew can eat bacon, but only a bit. You get it? Bacon bits are kosher. Bacon is not kosher. If you eat the bits it's OK. You still can't eat pig. Not even a bit. We don't want to mis-educate our students. 
The Falafel of Etan
Israelis are very possessive of their falafel. Even when they have a shop, they don't like to share it… That's Etan. Standing over them while they eat. Making sure they don't run away with his falafel. Archives
May 2023
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
6/5/2023
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