The Shul Tehillim group will take place this Thursday. We will continue the reading in Hebrew. We don’t believe the understanding of words will help our members. Prayer is better from you in a language you don’t know. H’ would rather not hear your real thoughts.

We’re having another fundraiser dinner this week to honor.
Last year's annual dinner, the Schwartzs were offended. Only eight people came. We know people don’t like the shul, but to also not like Bernard and Henny Schwartz is something we didn’t foresee.
This week’s Shalishudis is in memory.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Stop Talking in the Back Left of the Shul. An act of kindness by keeping your mouths shut.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Chaya Understanding Davening Will Help Nobody & Other Problems She Has with the Shul Air-Conditioning System. The Chiyuv to Honor and Remember So the Shul and the Day School Can Make Money- Why we Need the Names and Other Reasons Nobody Donates to Our Shul. The Reason Nobody Likes the Men in the Back Left and Why Their Wives Send Them to Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul needs better aircon. We've been using the heating this summer, to cool down the sanctuary. It's like my nephew's car. It's like hanging in my uncle's house, who's trying to save money. It's like sitting in an old age home with a working air-conditioner.

What is the Tehillim group? It's a group of women who are planning to say Tehillim one day. But they do get together. And that is important itself.

Nobody understands a word they are saying. And that is what we call Davening. Some of the members don't even know what that word means. And those people are called heretics. They sometimes even pray in English, because that's what Apikorsim do. They try to understand what they're saying.
The rabbi has to speak out more against this people saying their prayers in a language they understand. We are now a shul with a good reputation of being Frum, because not one person understands what's going on.
The real thoughts of the membership is complaints. If they were to have Tehillim their way, they would be complaining to Gd about dues. Something about Kind David not having to pay membership fees and Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. Shacharit would be, "We hope Samantha doesn't make that egg salad again. Please make sure it's not Samantha's egg salad."
Chaya would be forgetting anything about Jerusalem, asking Gd for better air-conditioning. And that would be her only prayer for the people. "Can we get an aircon unit that hits the right front of the ladies' section."
 
“To honor.” That’s where it stopped. That is what the fundraiser is honoring. Honor.
No name. Just to honor. The board has taken into account the hurt of the Schwartz dinner. It will forever be known as the Schwartz dinner. The shul doesn't want to have anything to do with it. They want the synagogue name wiped from it. They had that annual dinner in the rabbi's backyard, at a picnic table. They don't want to hurt anybody, so now, all dinners are just "in honor."

The “in memory” for Shalishudis did not make sense. So, the third Shabbat meal is in memory of somebody. No idea who. That has nothing to do with offending anybody. They just forgot. I'm beginning to think, the board just forgot who they were honoring. They just left it "honor," and they're hoping somebody fesses. 
If people in our shul would stop forgetting stuff, that would be a miracle. The shul is like a memory care congregation.

I don't understand the honoring thing. And it's not even a Tefillah. It's not a prayer, I should understand. The tradition is to honor people for something. Never know what it is. It's a fundraiser dinner I have to go. That's what it is. Whatever the reason, you have to go.
Now I have to show to honor people and lose another $300?! Like going broke on Bar Mitzvahs isn’t enough?!
If you don't show up to a fundraiser, you're either against the shul or the family. Last year it was tough to tell, as people really hate the Schwartzs. The shul made a mistake honoring them. They thought that since everybody knows them, and talks about them, they should be honored. They didn't take into account that they're all talking about how much they can't stand them. 
We should have a dinner where nobody speaks Lashon Hara. A once-a-year dinner where nobody talks bad about these people.

Now, I hate organizations and people. And this past year, we've been able to pay off some of our mortgage.
I have no friends now on purpose, and I hate the shul. The shul knows it. I told the shul office I hate them, and they said, "You're a member."
 
Did they have to announce that nobody likes the Schwartzs. Some things are better not said. Now we all have to show up to their next dinner. I pray nobody honors these people again. That's my prayer when I go to shul. That's what I ask Gd for when I pray in a language I understand.
 
I can tell you that the shul lost money not mentioning names. You need the names to pull money from people. Nobody showed up to the Schwartz dinner, but they gave donations. No way out of that. The general donation given was a in honor of “I can’t stand the Schwartzs.” That's what the members wrote on their dedications for the donation. And the Chiyuv was fulfilled. And you didn’t have to spend a night at dinner with them. 
Why they read each donation at the dinner in the rabbi's backyard is messed up.

And the back left of the shul will not stop talking about how much they can't stand them. Mr. Schwartz has moved to the front of the shul. He still doesn't Daven. Yet, as he said, "I feel more comfortable where people can't talk." Since then, Mr. Schwartz has been the greatest advocate for no talking during Davening. Before that, the guy couldn't shut up. Can't stand him.
Nowhere in the Torah does it say that when you come into The Land that you should not take the Schwartzs with you.
And that is Lashon Hara about the Schwartzs.

Don’t miss the wine tasting event this Tuesday. Wait to drink till you get there to start drinking, Michel.
Note: This is a tasting. Not a drinking. We know the men in the back left can’t taste alcohol anymore, after chugging whiskey every Shabbis morning and scaring the families.
 
Nobody has to give Menucha and Brian a wedding gift. Their parents have given pathetic gifts to Baalei Simcha throughout the years. They’ve actually given gifts and not money. Their families have given washing cups. We've witnessed it. They don't deserve a gift.
Rabbi’s Note: For people you like, $600 is a proper gift. When at a wedding, don’t think about your mortgage. While eating chicken fingers, think of how you can help with their payments.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Hashavas Aveida. A chance to fulfill the Mitzvh of returning a lost object. We have a lost child because the Schwatzbergs don’t watch their children.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Drink in Shul Like You're Part of a Fraternity- With Michel and the Boys. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Wedding Gifts. How to Not Watch Your Children- An Art Mastered By Our Congregants & A Scavenger Hunt to Find Effy Schwartzberg. Irresponsible parenting in Halacha and in Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
A wine tasting. Do we need more people getting drunk in this place. We have a whiskey tasting every Shabbis morning. No professional is needed for these guys to get drunk.
I have no idea how many times people need to taste Jack Daniels before they realize they like it.
 
These guys come to shul get all rowdy. How many times do I have to hear a fifty-year-old guy scream "Wooh," when I'm picking up our kids from groups?! It's the weirdest thing. They're Layning in shul, and these guys are drinking away their hangover from Friday night. Where do they drink? Outside of the Kinder Service, where the four-year-old is playing Shabbis Abba. And now we have nursery school kids drinking single malt, because they want to do Abba Shel Shabbat correctly.
And now wine tasting. I feel like our shul promotes alcoholism. These guys are crazy. How they're trusted with their kids on Shabbis morning. There should be no drinking and pushing strollers laws. The way they park those things right outside the entrance of the shul, there has to be a drunk idiot saying, "That looks like a good spot for the carriage."
The only positive is that Michel and his buddies don't Daven. They stay out of the sanctuary. The rabbi appreciates not having to see them. Which is why he supports the drinking. I believe the rabbi said, "Drinking in the sanctuary is wrong." That got a lot of people mad. Especially when they were told to not flip over their shot glasses on the Shulchan.
So, I shall not be going to the wine tasting.
We need an orange juice tasting. That sounds more like a shul event. 

Giving gifts is pathetic. If it's not money, you're hiding something. You know they're cheap when they give the gift. Found it on sale. We know.
You have to give something. If you're giving proper gifts, money, you're going broke. We had forty weddings this year. $300 a wedding. We have to take out loans to be a friend. And the problem is, my husband likes being "a friend." He's an idiot.
It’s an Aveira to enjoy a Simcha. You have to go home feeling like you got shafted by a mechanic. $300 in debt.

You give what they give. That's the rule. And I write it down. You're not getting more than you gave us. 
Personally, I like the pathetic gifts. They give me a washing cup, I give them a pencil. I don't want them giving us $500 gifts. Next thing you know, we're stuck having to give them $500 plus inflation. Me and my husband are arguing as to whether we can afford to go to the baby naming. 
That's another thing, they give you $500 for a wedding, and now they want it for the baby naming. We need a gift valuation list.

If you’re the first one giving the gift, set the bar low. Let them think you're bad gift givers. If you're lucky, they won't invite you.
Rules are the gift has to be the same.  If you gave $300 and they give $50. Never invite them to another Simcha. You don’t need friends that are going to enjoy your Simchas.
If you want to throw them off, go passive-aggressive and give more, to let them know they have no class.
You mirror what they do. If they don’t come to your Simcha, you don’t have to go to theirs. And that is the foundation of a beautiful friendship.

Our congregation is so cheap. Thanks to the announcements, nobody thinks they are loved by anybody in the shul. They all give cheap gifts. And this is a good thing. With all the drunk dads running around, we don't want people thinking they're liked.
Since the rabbi's $600 suggested gift for people you like, our members have only been going to Simchas of people they can't stand. And they've been giving gifts. Not money. To quote Herm, "I've never enjoyed weddings like Shloimi and Edith's child's marriage. Those Yutzs, they should go to Gehenim." 

The Schwartzberg child was truly lost. Turns out Effy Schwartzberg's father drinks a lot. And his parents even showed up to the wine tasting. Before Effy was found.
In the end, Effy was found in the Kinder candy cabinet. The sour sticks have not been found since.

Tolerance is the issue. The board discussed it. We realize our shul has too much tolerance. This is why Davening is long, Melvin still tells his jokes, and people with no personality join the board. 
There will be a board meeting this week to discuss if the shul should tolerate members. Members are very annoying.

Due to Aliyah Card success and our rabbi’s new Keebud Honors Card business, we’ve opened up the cards to many new shul Kavods and requirements. New cards include: “Have to Give a Kiddish Cards” which will be given to the Felzowitz Mishpuchi who have never sponsored Kiddish. The Felzowitz family who eats at every Kiddish like they’re not going to find lunch. “Please shut your mouth” for the congregants in the back left. And “Please Do Not Come to Shul. I believe we already have a Minyin” to keep Bernie out.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re looking for people to smile so I won’t want to shoot myself when I see congregants. To quote the rabbi.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Tolerance & How That Leads to Members with Ideas. When Telling People to Shut Their Mouths with a Card That Says to "Shut Up" Doesn't Keep Them from Talking During Your Sermon- The Art of Speaking to People You Want to Hurt. Kiddish Sponsorship and How Much the Felzowitz Family Eats for Free. Smiling and How People Might Not Hate You- The Art of Not Being a Jerk in Halacha.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
I’m all for less tolerance. I don't need to hear about Melvin's mother-in-law anymore. He keeps on telling me how he enjoys taking her to the airport. How that's his favorite part of her trips. I'm beginning to think he truly doesn't like her. Either that, or he likes to repeat his jokes. He also said something about being successful to not please his wife, but to spite his mother-in-law.
This tolerance thing is setting us back a few years in the development of America. Whatever happened to freedom to hate? I can't say I hate people anymore, unless if it's Caitlin Clark. I have to tolerate people Chuching and coughing up phlegm in shul now. It's not fine to say, "You're disgusting. Get out of here, you heretic." It's just very annoying. I have to accept the other congregants.
The board meetings are painful now too. The president gave a speech on tolerance, and how we have to accept other people. The whole time, I wanted to tell her to shut up. The speech took an hour. Nobody could interrupt her. That would've been intolerant. Turns out intolerance of stupidity is also not allowed.
 
Due to all the new honor cards, everybody in our shul now gets honored. Samantha was honored with the biggest hat. She got a card for that. Pinny was honored with "The Oldest Single Guy Who Has Never Been Married." He also got a card to remind him he doesn't wear a Tallit. I feel like the cards are now turning into a way to mock people. And it adds a level of mockingness when the cards read “Honored With.” “Honored with The Oldest Guy Who Has Never Been Married. Honored with Loneliness.”
Paul got a card that read "The Guy with the Mustache People Comment On." Paul didn't even know everybody was talking about it. Though, it's ugly as sin.
The people who didn’t give a Kiddish in honor of their sons Bar Mitzvah. That was a card. “Honored with Being Cheap.” They got a card and a bill.
“Not Athletic.” Gave that card to Pinny. Pinny is now not athletic and very single.
 
The rabbi also started pulling in tons of money when he realized that they need English on the cards too. Doubled the business. Hebrew and English cards. He's branching out to Spanish and Portuguese.

At the board meeting about tolerance, nothing about ethnicity or race was brought up. Everybody already agrees we shouldn't tolerate others. It was however decided that we have to tolerate members. Otherwise, we will have no use for the Aliyah Cards. Even so, all agreed that members are very annoying and should be hated. All who agreed are members of the shul.

Not one smile. The rabbi's class on smiling didn't work. Even with their smiles, I still hated all the people who showed up. Maybe it's their smiles. Even when they smile it makes me mad. When our congregants smile, it's like watching a bunch of villains. Their eyes open wide and it looks like they want to kill me. But I have to tolerate that. If they pay dues, I have to tolerate.

We want to wish the Fishbaums a Mazel Tov on their daughter’s wedding. If you weren’t invited, they don’t like you. This announcement has been sponsored by the Fishbaum Mishpacha.
 
Our Gabai finally got Aliyah cards, to remind people they are being called up to the Torah. After years of people forgetting their Aliyahs, we have cards. We thank the Aliyah Committee for purchasing solid wood signs. Years ago, we had paper ones. Those got stuck in Chayim Shlomo’s pockets. We know. The cleaners returned them to the shul. The Keebud honor handouts have come a long way. It’s an industry now. Used to be paper. Now it’s thick plastic, wood, metal. Somebody is making a killing.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Buy a gift for the Chatan and Kallah.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why People Don’t Invite Members of Our Shul to Weddings- How Our Membership Doesn’t Tip or Give Gifts. Why It's Not the Shul's Responsibility to Remind You About Your Appointments and Other Reasons We Will Not Make Laminated Cards for Every Part of Your LIfe. Is It Halachaikly Allowed to Give a Gift If You Weren't Invited to the Wedding- How to Rub Your Anger in People's Faces. 
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Nobody from our shul was invited to the wedding. The Fishbaums don’t like anybody in our shul. It turns out they paid for the announcement in the Shabbat handout. They wanted people to know they are not liked.

Our members aren't invited to weddings, and they're not invited back to restaurants.
Our membership doesn't give decent gifts, and they tip real bad too. It has something to do with their idea of Tzedakah. They figure, "I don't tithe my money to charity, I won't give eighteen percent here." I believe that carries over to dues as well. They took that Rashi (Devarim 15:10) earlier in the Parsha about saying you'll give Tzedakah as being the same as giving it. They've become accustomed to saying they'll give. They will pledge tons.
I saw some of our members leave Shloimi's Kishka Joint saying "thank you." Real appreciative. No tip. The waitstaff wasn't appreciative. Amazing how appreciation only goes one way with our membership. Like our rabbi, he's not appreciative of our congregation. Maybe the raise idea of them saying they'll give him a raise and never doing it.
Personally, I'm with the membership of our shul. Whatever happened to kind human interaction?! Why does money have to be involved in kindness?! And I am not wanted back at Shloimi's Kishka Joint either. Why you call a classy place where tips are expected a Kishka Joint, that is the real question I have.
 
The Gabai finally got the cards. It’s been years of waking up people shocked they had an Aliyah. People not remembering they had an Aliyah to the Torah. Knocking on bathroom stall doors. Yelling, “You couldn’t wait till Revi’i?!... Well, the Gabai and the congregation are waiting for you. Ben Nachman Moshe? Correct?... We’re all waiting…”
Our members have a very short-term memory. Even the wood cards don’t work sometimes. We need big plaques. Poster size plaques. Stuff that’s too heavy to carry out of the sanctuary. Something to keep them in their seats.
Some of our members forget they have the signs. We need Aliyah security guards. Guys that stand by Shelishi and Revi’i. Make sure they don’t leave the shul till after their Aliyahs. Force people to hold it in.
 
And it’s an Aliyah Committee. We have a committee for everything. You don’t purchase the names of Keebuding without a group decision. You have honor cards made, you make sure there's a majority decision.
 
The big talk at Kiddish was how much people are making on these Keebud plaques, and who the Fishbaums hate the most.
After noticing the lucrative business Torah handouts are, the rabbi started an Aliyah card making business. He even expanded it to Musaf, just in case the guy that is getting married, who has Maftir forgets, his wedding is coming up. Opened up the Aliyah card market with that.
 
If the shul membership gave gifts, the Fishbaums would invite all the people. Which means everybody they don’t like would show up.
Not giving gifts is a Mitzvah. As is not tipping. If we tipped, Shloimi would want us back eating Kishka. They didn't want us back at the baseball game either. To quote the guy at the stand, "There's a limit to refills."
Going anywhere with our congregants is a Chilul H’. Being seen with Bernie is defaming Gd's.
Our congregants call it antisemitism. And our shul is full of a bunch of anti-Semites. The board, anti-Semites. The youth taking all the candy at the Ufruf, anti-Semites. The office even called, expecting me to pay my pledge, because they're a bunch of anti-Semites. And they don't learn Rashi.

I don’t think the Fishbaums got a Mazel Tov from anybody in the shul. And they were happy about that.
I'm happy I didn't have to buy the Fishbaums a wedding gift. That's how I see it. If you don't wish a Mazel Tov you don't have to give a gift. You acknowledge they had a Simcha, now you're going broke on new dishes you're never going to use.

Being that the new made Aliyah cards were such a hit, the congregation was insisting that the shul board and office take it on themselves to make cards for their personal daily chores. The rabbi gave a class on why the shul shouldn't be expected to make cards to remind them to take the trash out of their homes. Nobody showed to that class, because cards weren't made to remind people about it.

Davening longer than twenty-five minutes isn't allowed anymore. We want people to not hate shul. A two-minute Shema is painful enough. Chazaras HaShas, the cantor's out loud repetition of the Amidah prayer for the community, should be fast and not heard by anyone.
The rabbi said you can yell at the Baal Tefillah if their Davening is too long. You can yell, “Move faster. Your Davening is annoying everyone. Your Kavana is painful to the congregation. We hate you.”
 
No more than two family members mentioned during post Aliyah Mishebeyrachs. You get up to say the blessing over the Torah, nobody needs to hear about your new niece. Too many people are receiving Mishebeyrach blessings and it’s adding time to Minyin. People are mad, and now more people hate Jews.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We are looking for strong people to kick people out of shul who do Mishebeyrach after their Aliyahs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Cause of Communal Hate and How It’s Our Chazin. The Pain of You Remembering the Names of Fifty Family Members. How Praising People Leads to Wars- A History of How We Lost Membership.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The focus this week was how to get Davening done faster. I suggested we just skip it. The rabbi wasn't fine with that. Though he liked the idea.
When Davening takes too long, you can't focus on anything else. So, I'm happy we focused our shul discussion on finishing Davening faster this week. Otherwise, I would have been cursing out Felvel and his whole family, who he mentioned after his Aliyah. I took down all the names. Hate them all. They'll say they had nothing to do with Felvel going off on all of them, remembering who they're the child of. They still deserve to be hated. Nothing to do with our shul, not even in our city, and they're slowing down our Davening.
​The discussion on finishing Davening added a good two hours to Davening. We probably should've had that discussion another time. It was self-defeating. 

They discussed it. People want to shoot the Chazin. The pain of waiting for this guy. An eight-minute Chazaras HaShatz during the week?!! It happened.
Eight minutes??? Am I supposed to read a newspaper. Is that what I'm supposed to do during the cantor's repetition?! Otherwise, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm definitely not focusing on praying. At some point, I'm thinking of hurting the CHazin. 
I have to say, Kavana is killing Judaism.

The board meeting went on about it later in the week. They decided that people who want to do a slow Davening, can slow things down by themselves, and stay in shul later. They can stay late, with no security. To quote our president, "If you believe in your prayers that much, you should believe a little in Gd."

Just the long Shema is enough to get anybody mad. Do these people have nowhere to go?! Do they meditate on each word?! Are they getting back at people?! Did somebody wrong them?!
If you are meditating, Shema should take three hours. I'm not suggesting people meditate. Truth is, I sometimes fall asleep during the Shema myself. I have people coming over to me telling me how impressed they are with my Kavanah.

Here are some of the rules we came up with this week, due to the pain of a long Shabbat morning Shacharit:
Mishebeyrachs are wrong, and thus not allowed. Especially when Davening is taking a long time. They went on with these blessings for their family. Each person is now doing it. These people are adding names. Family members they don't even have. Making up family.
Adon Olam took forever too. They did a slower tune than the slow tune. No idea how that was possible.
And they didn’t even start on time. That somehow slowed up Davening too. New rule is they have to start on time, even if nobody is there. 
Mishebeyrachs for the USA and Israel, and the soldiers, can be said. But they all have to be fast. As long as people say "Amen," they can feel like they care about their people.
And you can also say Mishebeyrachs for sick people. The head of the Tehillim committee suggested we put a time limit on how long we pray for the sick. To quote, "If we're still saying the Mishebeyrach after two months, might as well give up. What are their chances anyways." And since then, I have put it in my medical directive letter that I don't want Ruchel and the Tehillim committee to ever pray for me. 
And Shema is now timed.

Some people have taken the rabbi’s Psak of being allowed to yell at the Chazin to just yelling in general. People are now very aggressive. No passiveness. Just, “I hate you.”
It used to be a Chuch with a loud breath. Now it’s an “I can’t stand you!!!” And then a loud Chuch and phlegm wad.
Kiddish has come to the point of blows. Why? Because it took too long to bring out the choolante.
Some jumped on the Bima the past week and attacked a guy for adding his youngest daughter to his Mishebeyrachs. And then they yelled, "Nobody cares about her."

They did the starting on time with nobody, and they finished the service before anybody showed up. And every congregant in our shul was happy.

We are hosting a singles Shabbaton this weekend, for the Jewish Holiday of Love. Ti BAv. Please treat them like they’re normal people. Give them that this Shabbat Nachamu. Pretend like you don't notice the forty-year-old guy not wearing a Tallis.
 
Any woman wearing white is allowed to be hit on.
 
This world is a gift. The rabbi wants everybody to know that he was away on vacation, and to see the mountains and to not be with the membership of this shul was such a gift.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Pinny needs help meeting somebody. Women seem to know him, and that’s an issue. Please help set up Pinny with girls that have no idea who he is, so he has a chance to look decent.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Makes All Single People Creepy- Security Problems and How it Doesn’t Focus on Older Single People in Our Shul. How Saying Any Woman Wearing White is Allowed to Be Hit On - On Shabbis - Can Ruin Marriages. Pinny and Why He is Still Single- A Study in the Shidduch Ideas of Our Membership and How They Have Not Had One Successful Match. How to Ruin a Relationship by Letting Them Get to Know You and the Pinkowitz Family Story. The Joy of Going on Vacation and Not Seeing You.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Well. That just made it awkward. The whole women's section was staring at the men not wearing Tallises. Sadie Bracha screamed out, "Isn't he sixty already?!" And they she insisted that her yelling that should help him feel normal, as normal sixty-year-olds are married. 
Bringing awareness is not always helpful. Like the time the rabbi brought awareness to the non-religious congregants driving on Shabbat. He said we should treat them like Jews. Next thing you know, all people are talking about are the women with freshly showered hair, and how they must be driving on Shabbat. And the time the rabbi and the sisterhood brought awareness to those who identify as homosexual. Every conversation at Kiddish had the word "gay" in it. And they thought that was helping the "gay" people feel better.

This white Shabbat hitting on thing was messed up. Everybody wears white on Shabbat.
That was a shocker to the family wearing Shabbis clothes. 
I made sure my children were wearing colored clothes. They were walking around in Shabbat tye-die. I don't need a sixty-year-old without a Tallit hitting on my children.
 
I’d hate to have the shul help me meet somebody. Good luck Pinny. The only thing worse than a girl knowing Pinny. The only thing that can ruin a chance at a relationship for Pinny more than that is the sisterhood getting involved in trying to set him up. I pray for his soul. 
The women of our shul setting you up is the beginning of a good hundred very painful dates. However, many nieces there are in our shul, that's how many bad evenings and very uncomfortable dinners
And he has to go out. If he doesn’t, he will get looks from the ladies’ section. And Sadie Bracha will scream at him. Why her name is not Shulamis Bracha is another question. We all know Sadie Bracha doesn't fit.
Couldn't Pinny just find girls wearing white on Tu BAv, and hit on them. Well. He did that last year, and he made the whole women's section very awkward. Married women have not worn white since. They've stuck to off-white. Only cream colors on Shabbis.

The Pinkowitz family story is, they were a great couple till they got married and got to know each other. 

Well. The rabbi was happy. He had the gift of not seeing the congregation for a week. He insisted the nature stuff was not that enjoyable. The enjoyable things was not seeing the members who sit in the back left.
The rabbi suggested a great date idea for the Pinkowitz family this Tu BAv would be for the father to go on his own trip. Not seeing him would bring more love to all the family members. 

If I was a guy, I would never take off my Tallis. And to make it clear to Sadie Bracha, that is not a gay thing.

This Tisha BAv we’ll be sitting on the floor. The way renovations are going, that’s the most comfortable way to sit in our shul.
 
Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, is the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple. And we want to blame Bernie for that.
 
The rabbi’s note of the week: Everything at Kiddish is great. But the egg salad is disgusting. He believes that we are still in exile because of the person making the egg salad. They’re causing Sinat Chinam.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Teach Fran how to make egg salad. We need somebody to teach Fran how to purchase eggs and peel them. And we need a therapist to explain that pre-peeled eggs are disgusting.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: When Mourning Is Too Much- Renovations That Don’t End. The Isur of Using Pre-Peeled Eggs- How to Ruin Shabbat for Me and What Could Be a Good Egg Salad. Fran's Egg Salad and What Destruction Tastes Like. How Our Members Caused the Destruction of The Temple- How Descendents Affected the Past and How the Thought of Bernie Can Kill a Really Good Day and Generation.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We always sit on the floor for Tisha BAv. I think the rabbi was just making a point that the board is full of a bunch of idiots.
Usually our members sit on steps, because they can't bend that much. We have a very out of shape congregation. The most agile member can sit on a chair by holding onto the armrests. That's the extent of our agility. Holding an armrest to brace the fall onto the chairs. Our members don't sit. We fall onto chairs. And for Tisha BAv, we fall onto the stairs. Our members sitting for Tisha BAv need CNA help. We need nurse aides in our shul to ensure the congregants can get up. I see a congregant on the floor, there's an issue.
We don't even have steps to sit on now. That's real mourning. With the renovations, it's just flat concrete floor.
Renovations are disgustingly slow. They have the destruction thing down. Our board is very good at ruining things. They've destroyed the shul real well. It's the perfect Tisha BAv at our shul. You want to celebrate Tisha BAv, come to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah.
That's what happened with the destruction of the Temples. It was a renovations committee who got the destruction part down and then left it for a year. And they never got to the renovations. It was our board and renovations committee. And members who don't pay dues. And exile.

And then the baseless hatred. Our congregation has a lot of hate. The members of our shul are a good reason to hate. I would have to say, we did not cause baseless hatred. There is reason to hate the other members of our shul. With their hats, and the bad jokes they repeat, and the messed-up egg salad. There are a lot of very good reasons to hate our membership. If we were around in the times of the Beit Hamikdash, they would be able to say to Gd that they had a reason. It would be a Mitzvah to hate Bernie.

Fran doesn't get it. The eggs are disgusting. Pre-peeled eggs. There's something about them. It might be the vinegar they sit in. Whatever it is, it causes everybody to hate Fran.
Every problem in our shul comes back to Fran's egg salad.
Fran's egg salad did get me through Tisha BAv. When I was down and thinking I can't make it through the fast, I thought of her egg salad. It kind of made me never want to eat again. Thinking of Fran's egg salad actually made Tisha BAv a joy. It made it feel like mourning is a good thing.
Most people eat the egg with ashes before Tisha BAv, known as the Seudah Mafseket. I just had Fran's egg salad. Felt the destruction right there.

Being around our members, I'm truly in a constant state of Tisha BAv.

Our scholar-in-residence will be addressing ways to take in Nachis from your untalented child.
It’s come to the committee’s attention that parents are expressing pride in how great their kids are. Your children are not. We know them. They role on the shul floor. Something is wrong with them. They’re messed up. Mrs. Simkovitz. Your child’s not good at basketball. Or music. Or Torah. Sometimes love is unconditional. Give them that and accept failure. Take in Nachis from the love you give your child who is bad at piano.
 
Many women in our congregation don’t say “Hi” or acknowledge people. They’re only being rude because they’re good Jews. The rabbi would like the members to know, it’s Halacha to be unfriendly.
 
Chesed Opportunities: A shul welcoming committee. We need volunteers. We ask no Frum girls that just got back from seminary help. They’re good Jews and focused on Torah, and not saying “Hi.”
 
Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Treating People Like Dreck. How to Take Nachis- An Art Form Mastered by Our Congregants. What To Do with Children That Accomplish Nothing- A More In Depth Look at How Mrs. Simkovitz Still Has Nachis. Welcoming People and How Smiling Makes You Less Frum- A Guest Speaker from Mrs. Simkovitz's Daughter's Seminary.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
We have the most untalented kids in our congregation. Yet, every parent takes pride in these things. The Nachis. That's what love does. It puts on Nachis blinders. It's only the parents. The community takes no pride. I've never seen a community member shouting out, "We are so proud of the way our little ones drop their lollipops on the floor."

I have to hear this Nachis thing all the time from the parents.
“You’ve got to see my kid. Just went shopping and picked out a shirt.” Ugliest shirt. The kid is not even just not athletic. Can’t pick out a shirt right. It was a tennis shirt. Who wears a tennis shirt when it's not tennis?! Not Frum people.
These kids have no talent. The art coming out of the day school. What they do with papier-mâché. It's a sad sight. I see their work and a tear comes to my eye. It looks like a bunch of hardened balloons. That's what their art looks like. Porridge on a balloon. And these parents take pride in it. It makes me feel sad. The amount these parents have to work to find Nachis. I saw the piano recital. The child isn't even talented enough to sit still at the piano. Mrs. Simkovitz must feel so dumb paying for that.
Nachis is how they justify the amount they pay for the lessons. They look at their child, hurt real bad on the inside and say, "That's my Nachis." And then the cost of Jewish day school. The amount of times I had to hear these off-tune kids singing "Mah Nishtana."
The parents in our shul need to show less love. It just hurts to see the hoops they have to jump through to find Nachis.
And then they sell it. "My Sarah Bracha. Did you see her read the certificate for everyone at the graduation." This is what you're selling to me?! A horrific reading of a piece of paper. The worst kindergarten graduation I've ever seen. Sarah Bracha was pathetic.
 
The scholar-in-residence had nothing to do with Judaism. Just came to help our congregants feel better about their unsuccessful children. I wish the Feldberg parents much luck with their Nachis. The Feldberg son is still living at the house. That's the talent the mother Schepps the Nachis about with her 28-year-old. "Our son is so good. He picks up groceries sometimes."
 
The Frum women just come off as rude. I appreciate the rabbi for letting us know this is Halacha. I don't think I've ever been greeted in the shul by one of the religious ones that's not the rebbetzin.
Malkie was a nice girl and then she learned to be not friendly. The rabbis taught her that at seminary. Mrs. Simkovitz’s girl is good at not being friendly. That’s something to take Nachis in. And rightfully so, she told me, "My girl is very holy. She can't associate with people like you."

​It seems to be a new thing, where religious women feel closer to Gd by being people who don't smile. A serious look of judgment. They have given me that. Maybe that's their greeting. To say, "You are going to Gehenim. Hell. That's what you represent."
 
At the welcoming committee meeting, they decided that not one Frum woman can be on it. I believe the whole shul is trying to figure out why they ignore everybody. They truly do. They especially ignore men. They're very good at it. How they meet and decide on marriage is beyond me.
I didn't know women were supposed to be ignored too. I guess it’s practice. SheLo Lishma Ba Lishma. When you do something not for the sake of the Mitzvah, it helps when you need to do the Mitzvah. They do it with the women so they can be better at being rude to the men. And they’re very good at it.
I think it has to do with my level of Frumkite, Jewish religiousness. If you only keep Shabbis and Kosher, it's as if you're a heretic. Which makes you just as Asur to talk to as a man. I asked the rabbi if that was the case, and he said it's my short sleeves. "It's because you wear short sleeves during the summer. You're a heretic. It's too bad your mom passed away. She would've at least taken Nachis in you."
If somebody was wearing a tennis shirt, I would understand not saying hi to that heretic. It's also the way those things fit. They're always tight. It's unbecoming. It's very uncomfortable to talk to people in tennis shirts. 

And it turns out, Pinchas is still single and can't find a girl to talk to in the shul.

The Three Weeks begin this Wednesday night. The rabbi said that nobody has to raise their level of mourning in our shul.
To quote: “It’s depressing enough in this shul. Nobody has ever felt as much sadness as having to Daven with the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Each day with you, I mourn the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.”
 
This week we celebrate wellness in our shul with Wellness Shabbat, as none of you are well. We’re going to be focusing on Bernie and the women with huge hats, who’ve been frowning since 1986.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Talking to Bernie and the Smug Frowning Hat Women. Keeping their attention is a great act of kindness to the rest of the congregants that can’t deal with them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Art of Bringing Down Everybody Else in Shul with Our Congregants. The Art of Sadness and Having to Deal with Our Congregants. Wellness and How to Keep Healthy by Staying Away from Our Membership. Mental Health and How You Stole it From Me. How Hard Chesed Is When You're in a Community Like Ours- A Mental Health Session.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
“It’s always Tisha BAv at our shul.” No truer words have ever been spoken. You see the members of our shul and you want to move to Jerusalem. Or anywhere else.
It’s always Tisha BAv. If you ever had the egg salad at Kiddish, you would understand. It's disgusting. Our egg salad should be marketed as the Seudah Mafseket. The meal of sadness before Tisha BAv. Our egg salad and sitting with one of our members will get anybody into the Tisha BAv mood.
I don't think I've seen a smile since last Tisha BAv. Tisha BAv is a pick-me-up in our congregation. 
The rabbi went on in his sermon, "The Three Weeks between the sadness is a time of hardship and struggle. Every day at our shul is a struggle. Every time I sit with the board, it's hardship. You, my congregants, are hardship and struggle. You are the Diaspora. If there is one positive thing in Moshe's life, it's that you were not his congregants... But you were there. We were all there at Sinai. And you are the reason for Tisha BAv." I was so touched. Nobody could've put down Sarah Bracha like the rabbi did. Our congregation is the reason. I told the rabbi how much I appreciated him expressing my feelings.
 
What is Wellness Shabbat? Is that a commandment? I truthfully had no idea we had to be well. If being well was a Mitzvah, our congregation is full of a bunch of sinners.
Over Wellness Shabbat we spoke of mental illness, and they brought in examples from our congregation. Which meant the rabbi had a chance to go off on every single congregant's quirks. This included Chaim breathing through his nose. Which somehow bothers the rabbi. Cheryl using her finger to follow along in the Siddur also very much angers the rabbi. Lin not showing up to shul, the rabbi likes that.

It's the hats. That's it. That's why everybody frowns all the time. It's the hats and the Tisha BAv mood they all love. There's something about huge hats that has these women walking around all smug. The need to balance the Jewish fascinator brim hats, along with the weight, causes that look.

Bernie is annoying. I think that was the discussion of Wellness Shabbat. How do we deal with him? Him, Bernie, being our problem. That's where the rabbi was steering the conversation. Bernie and big hats.

The Jewish Family Services therapists should've focused their discussion of mental health on how to stay away from our membership. It doesn't take more than five minutes to come up with that diagnosis.
The therapists walked away from the group sessions not feeling well. In response to the Wellness Shabbat, the therapists suggested that for our mental health we all go to another shul.

Everybody in our religion has problems. That's what I garnered from the rabbi's message. And we all have OCD. That's what the Gabai who can't get a name right said of Jews. You call them up for an Aliyah, get their dad's name right. And then the therapists piggybacked on the OCD thing. They saw business opportunity in religious Jews being Midakdek. Being precise about what you do is a disease nowadays.
OCD is a good thing. That's what I say. It keeps people religious. Keeping Mitzvahs takes OCD. "I have to wake up on time for Shacharit." "I can't tie my right shoelace first. I'm not going to Gehenim." "We have to vacation in Florida this winter." And it keeps people from eating at my house. "I can't eat at Rivka's. She's not Frum enough."
They were selling that OCD therapy. They went with it. The therapists ended up giving out cards, telling each one of us, "Here. Take a card. You're religious. You have OCD. You need help."
The rabbi then somehow said that we shouldn't make ourselves sick from worrying about Mitzvahs for months on end. Now our congregants feel it's proper Biblical practice to not keep Pesach.
So, I guess the ending message of the OCD Wellness Shabbat was that we shouldn't be religious. And we shouldn't mourn for the Temple. Something is definitely off in my shul.

​The Jewish Family Services therapist speaker had a message about what she called a safe container community. We all need a community of people we can trust. People we feel comfortable around. People who care about us. She's an idiot. Apparently, she has no idea what a community is.
 
Did I leave out anything from my writing? OCD! You see. I have an issue. I edit sometimes.
If there are any grammatical mistakes, it's only because I'm healthy.

Graduation Kiddish will be this week. The board decided that we should charge people for their kids graduating Jewish day school. Parents paid 20k for day school. Now that those bills are over, the shul felt we should ask them to spend more. 
To sponsor graduation Kiddish for your children that we all Schepp so much Nachis for, it's only a thousand dollars. Dues are only at 2.5k. This is a chance for the parents to feel closer to H' and to give us more money.
 
Father’s Day is this Sunday. We expect the dads to come for Minyin. You need more Mitzvahs. Message from the Rabbi: "H’ doesn’t think you did a good job as a dad. Your children are messed up. We see them at the junior congregation."
Side Note: Being Abba Shel Shabbat does not make you a dad. We’re sick of these three-year-olds getting this dad ego, now saying they expect an Abba and Ema Shel Shabbat Day. Our shul will not support it. Enough of our members have supported Mamdani, they should all go to Gehenim. And we see what that led to. Antisemitism and bad Kiddishes.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Telling Bernie to shut up during Musaf.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Mitzvah of Giving Money to Shul and The Rabbi's Salary. Why It's a Mitzvah to Give More than Mayser to Shul and The Rabbi's Salary. How to Ruin Father’s Day By Asking Fathers to Daven. Why Congregants Can’t Not Talk During Davening. Is It a Mitzvah to Disturb the Rabbi's Sermon- A Discussion About Something That Was Never Decreed and an Angry Rabbi. Should Three Year Olds Be Doing Dad Jokes.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The shul board figured they could get money off the back of the fact the parents already spent everything. The tactic expressed at the board meeting was, "When they're down. That's when you hit them."
 
We had a graduation Kiddish. Nothing for Father’s Day. Because nobody cares about dads. The shul knows that if they would've asked for money in support of dads, they would've got nothing. Nobody supports dads. They support moms and kids. They once had a dunk tank. People supported dads in that.

The whole Kiddish was such a scam. Not one person in our shul is Schepping any Nachis from these kids. Especially, the parents.
These kids have done nothing for society. Thus, we honor them. That's the message of graduation. "You've done nothing to help anybody. And thus, we honor you with a cap and gown. And now, for the next forty years, nobody will care about anything you did."
Kindergarten graduation??? What have these kids accomplished??? Some of these kids in our junior congregation can't even trace their name right.
​
I question our graduates. Ben going to college with that hairdo. There's no class on normal. Normal should be a focus. Maybe the kids wouldn't be rolling around on the ground, fighting for candy, if they had normal as an elementary school subject. The most they have is a general studies teacher, who focuses on rabbits. They learn about normal rabbits who can talk, and then they get a degree. And I have to sponsor the Kiddish, because my niece is still an idiot. Now you know where the resentment comes from.

The fathers in the shul are definitely not spending their time raising decent kids. The rabbi ripped on the dads. Lazy as anything. Not showing for Minyin. To quote, "If your kids weren't so messed up, you would have a reason to not come to Minyin. But I know there's no way you're doing anything to help."
The rabbi took that statement back later. To quote, "You're messed up. If you have anything to do with raising your children, they will be annoying too. Either way, it's better you're at Minyin." And that was his message. His sermons touch my heart.

These Abba Shel Shabbat kids are getting annoying. These three-year-olds play dad and they get all high on themselves. Start making decisions like they're parents. Telling people “I need my quiet.”
They want an Abba Shel Shabbat Day. I'm not doing it. It's messed up. These toddler egos are uncalled for. And then to have to hear jokes like, "My friend was so high on himself. He had such a big LEGO." Dad humor from three-year-olds. It's got to stop. Next year I'm protesting any graduation from nursery school.

A thousand-dollar sponsorship. That's how much choolante costs nowadays. 
Man, it was a bad Kiddish. And they didn't even have choolante.
They've started this new community diet thing, where they have Kiddish and serve Kichel. Basically, all you get is puffed air. They figure that will help people lose weight. And then they give a little tuna. Enough for three people. And that's why it costs so much. They're charging for the shul Kiddish diet plan.
For the graduation, they had a cake that somebody whipped creamed on "Graduation." No frosting. Whipped creamed on. No bakery has ever done this, so we had to create the verb at Kiddish itself.
They're trying to save money. Six thousand dollars, and they're trying to save money. They didn't even have enough food for the graduates. People are starting to realize the Kiddish donations are a scam. There is no way six thousand dollars is going to Kichel.
It's the Mamdani people. They hate Jews. They want Israel destroyed. And they want us not enjoying Kiddish so we will vote them into the board again. This is what happens when you have government funded Kiddish Kichel.
And I ask where the rest of the money went.

The rabbi really backed this graduation Kiddish. He was banking on it to support his raise and the all paid for summer vacation package he's been asking for. 
He had everybody questioning the Mayser thing. The rabbi insisted the new law is you have to more than tithe, so he can RV around America.
When asked by the board about his RV loop around the US, the rabbi said he needs it for spiritual reasons. When questioned, he explained that he's doing it for Israel. Point is he only made a couple thousand dollars off the board's Kiddish scam. And then he did a GoFundMe. And he wrote it all off.

The Chesed of telling Bernie to shut up was gladly accepted by the congregation as a whole. 

Our rabbi is a superhero. We want to acknowledge his ability to ensure our prayers are done right. Even on his way out of shul, to save Kiddish Levana (holiness over the moon), the rabbi caught the Chazin doing a long Kaddish. He jumped in, yelled, “vYhi Noam” and then he was gone. Like Superman and Mighty Mouse. Our rabbi swoops in for H’. 
The moon was not saved that night by our rabbi. But he did save our congregation a full Kaddish prayer.
 
We ask people say Kaddish faster. People feel like there’s a funeral when our Gabai leads Kaddish. Losing a loved one is hard enough.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Child counseling. The rabbi has decided the children in our shul are messed up and need help. Something is wrong when kids are rolling on the floor in front of the Bima. If anybody can help make these kids normal, your Chesed is needed.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Our Shul Looks Like When the Rabbi Is Not Around to Catch Our Mistakes And How Other Religions Began. How to Make Shul More Painful Than It Already Is with Our Gabai and His Kaddish- A Study. The Psychology Behind Children in Our Shul and Circus Animals.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
He’s a superhero. The rabbi catches things you do wrong, he notes them, then he’s gone. Middle of conversation, rabbi swooped in, said, “Lashon Hara” and he was gone. He sees the Aveira, notes it and he's gone. He truly has a way of letting you know you're a disgusting person who sins. He's like a Mitzvah Man that gives you no hope.

Our shul, we need the rabbi. We're lost without him. If the rabbi was gone for more than a week, I don’t think we’d be Jewish. Last Friday night we ended up doing Nusach Sefarad. He was gone for one Minyin. He missed one service, Maariv, and we already changed our Davening traditions. Like that, our shul changed its tradition. The Gabai didn’t even notice. The guy leading the services could’ve done some mosque tunes, our congregants would’ve gone along with it. They’re oblivious.
Without our rabbi we would be saying Kaddish even slower. We would be making the Kiddish Brachas slouching. Not sitting or standing. We would just be slouching. Nobody would know if our shul tradition is to sit or stand for the blessing. So, we would do what everybody does in our shul. We would slouch. Our whole congregation slouches. Look around and you will see a lot of slouchers. Somebody has to come in and work on prayer posture with us.

Our rabbi saves us. He could've saved the moon. I believe it. But the clouds got in the way and we didn't say Kiddish Levana on Saturday night. Clouds are his one kryptonite. 
 
Our Gabai is very good at bringing a funeral feeling to everything we do at shul.
He thought he was helping with the Mourner's Kaddish, slowing it down. He just throws everybody off with his slow Kaddish speed. And it got slower this week. We had to say "Amen" five times to each part of Kaddish. One guy finished slow, another one slower. Then a slower one for the women's side. Then another guy caught that and slowed it down. Somehow, the Gabai still hadn't finished. Then, finally, the Gabai finished. Another "Amen" and an extra fifteen minutes in shul.
The Gabai thinks he’s helping people who don’t know how to say the Mourner's Kaddish. How many times do you have to say Kaddish over the course of the year, before the Gabai believes you know how to do it?! Like after six months of saying it seven times a day they haven’t figured it out it yet.
Our Gabai doesn’t believe people can learn. Either that, or he likes to make things painful. He believes that by doing it really slow, he’s helping people feel their mourning more intensely, allowing them to push their pain onto the whole congregation too. Bringing a feeling of communal mourning, every time he says Kaddish.
Somebody has to talk to the Gabai. It’s getting very annoying. And I don’t have an extra hour to stick around shul for Kaddish. I know that sounds bad, but Davening has went from two and a half hours to three and a half hours now.

Kids dancing on the Bima in middle of Musaf. Is that normal? I'm beginning to think it is. Please let me know if kids dancing on the stage in the middle of the repetition of the Silent Prayer is normal. And how the Silent Prayer is repeated out loud confuses me.
All the kids in our shul are on the spectrum. Rolling around on the floor in the middle of the ark being open. Something is wrong. All kids are on the spectrum. I'm convinced.
The kids are then playing on the stairs in front of the Aron, in front of the whole congregation. We all see them. And they don't notice. We don't even need a one-way window. They're oblivious. And we're all watching. You can't not watch. They're crazy.
Going to Minyin at our shul is a psychological study. First, we have the control group of the kids. And then you end up studying the Kaddish speed. And the data shows our whole congregation is on the spectrum.
And they're taking up the stairs. Do the parents not realize they're in shul? They don't. The kid leading Anim Zmirot can’t get down, because all the other kids are chilling on the stairs and rolling around. They’re like smokers taking up the stairs with their little dolls, like Peppa Pig. How the parents think bringing Peppa Pig Muddy Puddles Party to shul is a good idea. Something else that baffles the mind.
 
The Mitzkin service now hosts the youth. The rabbi was so happy to get rid of the youth. Nobody can Daven at the Mitzkin house breakaway. It’s a ruckus. They have kids there, playing Peppa Pig.
It took a day. Everybody seems to be coming back to shul. The Mitzkins realized that people are annoying. They thought they were friends with the other members. Then the other members started going to their house for Minyin and turned into congregants. Now the Mitzkins hate them all. And they hate their kids. The Mitzkins are now fans of the rabbi.
 
The board played one of those hero songs before Shabbat to praise our rabbi. The rabbi listened, said "thank you," and expressed disgust that he had to see the congregants.

That class on children in our shul and circus animals had nothing to do with psychology. It was just the rabbi ripping on the children and families in our congregation. They're not normal and they need help. The rabbi made that clear. 

Baby naming this week by the Greenbaum family has everybody mad. It appears that everybody in the shul thought the Greenbaum’s new daughter should’ve been named after them. They chose to name their child after one of their family members, and for that, they want to apologize.
 
The rabbi encourages all to go to the breakaway Minyin. To quote the rabbi, “I can’t stand you. Please go to the Mitzkin Minyin.”
 
Chesed Opportunities: Visit Merwin. The guy is sick. He can’t move. He can’t talk. He’s probably the only one that won’t complain having to listen to you, Bernie.
 
Halacha Classes: How To Get Everybody Mad by Naming Your Child After Somebody. Breakaway Minyins- A History of How They Started and How Much Your Rabbis Can’t Stand Having to See Congregants. Why Visiting People Who Are Sick is More Useful Than Playing Bridge. Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Everybody in our community thought the Greenbaum girl should be named after them. They’re not even family. But they all feel they're important in the Greenbaum's life, as they have been there to eat at every Kiddish the Greenbaums have sponsored. 
Turns out the extended family was also mad about the baby naming. They said they named the girl after their great grandmother. The name made its way into the baby’s third name. That’s not even the middle name.
Some families do the family member's name as the middle name, so they never have to call the kid by the ancestor’s name. And they are also able to say that Rivka was named after Grandma Basya. How? I do not know.
Basya made her name into Bat Chen. Somehow, Rivka Chaya Bat Chen is named after Basya. No idea. Somebody is pulling the wool over the grandparent's eyes.
Is Bat part of Basya? Is that how their selling it? "We named our daughter after grandma by calling her the daughter of my wife." And that's why you disown family.
Who's Rivka? "A name we really liked." So, you're saying that you hate everybody's names in the family. All the people named after Grandma Basya have a horrendous very ugly name.
 
The rabbi loves the breakaway Minyin. He signed for five more years, and he doesn’t want the congregants to show. Any question he gets now, he says, “Go to the Mitzkin home for services.”
The rabbi is fine if there's no Minyin now. As long as the membership of the shul is not showing up to shul, he's happy.

It's amazing how people only visit people who are feeling good. They only visit people who are relaxing, watching TV. They only visit people who they can interrupt. People that don't want to see them. They think they're doing a favor, interrupting their friend's enjoyment.
They don't visit anybody sick. Sick people, who can't move, who can use a visitor. Somebody popping by to scratch them. A visitor to do Bikur Cholim, talk a little and scratch their back. 
Merwin needs visitors. He can't move right now, so bridge is out of the question. But somebody can scratch for him.
Since COVID, people don't visit the sick. Since COVID, the Mitzvah is to be selfish.
You would think Bernie would at least visit Merwin. To have an audience that can't complain about him talking too much. That's a dream for the older members of our shul. They talk, I don't listen, I show frustration. Merwin can't even move his mouth to show that he wants them to shut up and scratch the back of his arm.
I've started scratching people in nursing homes. They truly appreciate it. They come to Bingo, you can see they can barely move their chips onto the "o" row. There is no way they can reach their back. Sometimes, I scratch their knee. I have a feeling most elderly falls happen because people get a toe itch. They try to reach and there's the fall.
The Chesed Opportunity next week should be to go around scratching old people in nursing homes. We can get our junior congregation on that too. They're always scratching each other. 

"​Why Visiting the Sick Is Appreciated by the Rabbi and Other Things the Rabbi Wants You to Do So He Doesn't Have to See You and Why the Rabbi Wants You to Start Another Congregation." I think that class was more of a statement by the rabbi. Support of the rabbi to visit the sick and for the rabbi to not have to see you, because you're annoying.

Youth Services are starting up again this week, so we don’t have to see the kids. B”H.
 
Our membership is excited about the Memorial Day sale. Our shul is giving off on membership to those who never served their country. Two Aliyahs for the price of one. That’s what those who gave themselves for our freedom would want.
The Koplin Mishpuchi want to thank those who gave their lives. They got a really good deal on a tool bench at Home Depot this week.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Turn on the air-conditioning. Merwin is sweating in shul from standing. He is standing wiping his forehead from standing. 
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Kids and How They Ruin Shul for Everybody- A Look into the Lack of Parenting in Our Community. Appreciation For Those Who Served in The Armed Forces and Deals on Slacks at Marshalls. Is It Mutar to Stand on Shabbat If You’re Going to Sweat and Other Responsa about the Out of Shape Members of Our Shul Who Sweat During Davening. How Disgusting Our Members Are. Do You Need a Shul When You Have the Mitzkin Family's House for Shavuot Learning.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
The Shavuot learning program was at the Mitzkin home. Pathetic. Yes. And I ask why we still have a congregation. We should change it from Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah to Beis Buddies of the Mitzkin Mishpuchi.
Turns out most people had no idea where it was, because they're not friends with the Mitzkin family. And the Mitzkins don't list their address. 
Our shul has turned into a Shabbat dinner at somebody's home. Yet, we are still doing renovations on the building. I'm guessing if we got rid of the shul and listed where the Mitzkin house is, dues might come down.
 
Thank Gd for youth services. It feels like a real community when you don’t have to see the kids. It's so great to not see them at shul.
 
We have two members that served in the American Armed Forces and that was eighty years ago. How do we know they served? They wear the hat.
The only thing our congregants have done for our country is find out where the decent sales are.
The Mitzkins did not serve our country. However, I heard they served cheesecake on Shavuot night.
 
That’s how out of shape Merwin is. Davening is exercise for the guy. He gets exercise by standing. He's disgusting. He sweats when he sits. The action of not expending energy is a workout for the guy. I can't watch it. He needs to bring a towel to shul.
Truth is, we need air-conditioning. I'm sweating right now.
 
The class about the kids coming to shul was met with a protest by the parents who made it very clear that they won’t come to shul if they have to watch their children. To which the rabbi said, “Great.”
All were encouraged to go the Mitzkin home. And that is how the breakaway Minyin started.

​Sorry we missed Yom Yerushalayim in the announcements last week.
For all of those who are worried, there was no Shawarma at the event. 
 
For Shavuot, we will be staying up all night and talking. There will be coffee, cheesecake, ice cream. And lasagna, as the Jews had pasta with cheese at Sinai. Or so the sisterhood insists.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Learn for somebody who is too lazy to learn themselves, so they can get Schar, reward, for not trying. The Chesed can be done for any member of our shul. None of them will be staying up Shavuot night. As they need rest to be able to golf.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Celebrate Yom Yerushalayim and Other Events That Our Community Serves Falafel At. Learning Shavuot Night While People are Eating- Why It's Hard to Learn When Bernie is Chewing on Kichel. Why We Learn Torah on Shavuot and Other Ways to Not Have to Talk Politics with the Mitzkin Family. Why People Don't Show Up to Events They Don't Know About. The Jewish Anatomy and Why We Only Eat Cheese on Shavuot. How to Not Try- With Members of Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The members of our shul truthfully do not care about Jerusalem, unless if it has something to do with Shawarma.
They forgot about Yom Yerushalayim in last week's announcements, and they’re wondering why nobody showed up to the program. I'm assuming nobody showed up, because nobody knew about it. 
And even if people did know about it, the new community announcements for programs go, "We're having a program. Good luck figuring out where it is." No details, due to fear of attacks.
They're worried it will be dangerous if people come, so they have the event and don't tell you where it is.
Let's focus for a second. This whole not announcing where things are doesn’t draw people. Thought that was important to note. They don’t announce where things are because of antisemitism. They're worried the Jew haters will come. So, they try to keep the anti-Semites away. It definitely keeps the Jews away.
I'm beginning to think our membership isn't allowed to know where Jerusalem is located. Due to security protocol in our shul, nobody is allowed to know where Jerusalem is, for safety reasons. 

And how do they celebrate Jerusalem Day? falafel. Always falafel. Every program that has anything to do with Israel. Falafel from Costco. How Costco falafel balls have anything to do with Israel, I don't know. I do know that it would make sense to have a lamb on a spit. Shawarma makes more sense. People love that. They could be celebrating Mexico and Jews would show for Kosher Shawarma. That's the only argument the anti-Semites have against Israel. If we had Kosher Shawarma somewhere else, our people would live there. Hence, Miami.
And if they served Shawarma at the Yom Yerushalayim event, people would come, even if they didn't know where it was. Somehow, they would find it.
If the war was over Shawarma, our members would be in Israel, fighting alongside our brothers and sisters. Enlisting in the IDF.
 
Not one mention of a class at the Shavuot program. Just food. That's what our people received at Sinai. Food. Dairy food. Blintzes.
And there was no Shavuot bulletin, as the shul office will do anything to not work. 
They didn’t announce where all night Shavuot will be. That’s probably why most of our congregants skipped the holiday.

It was a nice Shavuot program. Nobody knew where it was, but it was very nice.
It was at the shul, as that makes sense, and that's where it always is. And most of our congregants don't know where that is.
I heard most of our community did stay up all night though, as the announcements said to stay up all night, and our congregants follow announcements when the announcements don't say to learn Torah, pray, or fulfil a donation.
What did our members do all night? They ate. Our congregants prepared for the receiving of the Torah by eating. All night eating. And I know they stayed up because they didn't show up to shul for Davening Shavuot morning. The announcements didn't say where services would be.
Other communities learn Shavuot night. That's tradition. If our congregants were at Mount Sinai, they would've been eating. Looking at the golden calf and eating.
 
The learning for somebody Chesed program didn't work out. It turns out that learning for somebody else requires learning. 

Why We Learn Torah on Shavuot. Nobody came to that class on Shavuot. If they would’ve given that class before Shavuot, a few people might have come to learn on Shavuot. No class was needed to get across the message of eating cheesecake. People love cheesecake.

The only positive thing about learning Torah with members of our shul is that you don't have to listen to them talk politics, until they ask a question. Their ability to connect the Jews leaving Egypt to their hatred of Donald Trump and acid reflux.
The rabbi did have to deal with a lot of questions about why we don't have a tradition to eat Shawarma on Shavuot.

I'm beginning to think that people don't show up to places they don't know about.

We will have a Mother’s Day Kiddish in honor of the Mothers. We want to thank all the mothers who are preparing and paying for the Kiddish, to show their appreciation.
 
If you’re having a Yahrzeit, please donate Kiddish or something to the shul. You want your loved one to stay in heaven.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Malkie needs help with her kids. Please volunteer to walk her kids, cook for her family and drive them.
 
Mark Schwartz smells disgusting. Nobody wants to tell him and embarrass him. The board felt the best way to handle this was to put it in the announcements.
 
Halacha Classes: Mother’s Day and the Chiyuv on Mothers to Make it Meaningful. Follow-up Class- Children and Their Lack of Appreciation and Why It's Annoying to See Them at Shul. Donating Nothing in Memory of Your Loved One with Our Members. Lack of Kiddish and How to Have Nobody Pray for Your Loved One. How to Not Pay for a Babysitter by Calling It Chesed. The Art of Telling People They Smell Bad and How to Make Friends. Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
The mothers have to run the Mother's Day Kiddish if they want anything for Mother's Day. Nobody cares. I have never heard any of the kids in our shul say "thank you. I appreciate that Mom. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You gave up all your dreams of enjoying yourself for me." 
These little balls of Nachis are the least appreciative things I've ever seen in my life. That's why I don't give them candy. The candyman is now a bitter old man. He snarls when kids take the cany. I don't think he's gotten a Thank you in over thirty years. Just a lot of Paskesz and no thank yous.
How the parents in our shul can have Nachis is an anomaly. "I Schepp such Nachis from this one who is very good at taking things. So focused on herself. We're so proud."
 
The staying in heaven announcement was brilliant. They should use that for all donations. “Give more to the appeal or your loved one is going to hell.” That’s how you run a business.
They are trying to get Mashka to dedicate something in her father’s honor. Those people will give nothing to the shul
Last Shabbis was Mark's dad's Yahrzeit. People spat. No Kiddish. No Shalishudis. They heard it was Mark's father's Yahrzeit and they cursed him. That's what no Kichel will do.

Malkie moved to our community to have child walkers. They’re like dogs. They need people walking them. So, she gets people in our community to do it. Guised as Chesed, she doesn't have to pay them anything.
That's what Chesed has turned into. The Mitzvah of kindness has turned into helping lazy people.  
She’s just taking advantage of the Chesed. Chesed is letting Malkie relax on her couch and to catch up on a good series.

Nobody could tell Mark he smells disgusting. Everybody feels too bad. They don’t want to embarrass him. They just stay away. I haven't seen anybody say "Good Shabbis" to Mark in the last two months, afraid that by exhaling the words they might accidently breathe.
Thank Gd it’s in the announcements. Like he couldn't tell when everybody shifted to the left of the shul.

And for Mother's Day the mothers got no "thank you" for the Kiddish. 
As I found out later, Mother's Day is Asur. Part of the Mitzvah of honoring your parents is not showing appreciation.
I think Mark got the message with the class "Why Mark Should Shower for Mother's Day."

Moishie showed up with his shirt not tucked. He was a successful doctor. We believe that he gave up on his living, as his shirt was not tucked in and we did not see a belt. Please ask him how he's doing.
 
Somebody has to clean the fridge. We have fifteen Sam’s Club Colas in there. All open. Please finish colas before opening new ones.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We ask parents to go to the park and to make sure their kids don’t burn themselves this Lag BOmer. It turns out not one of our Jewish kids is in the Boy Scouts, and their parents think them making a fire is a good idea. Our children are dangerous. And their parents are idiots.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mr. Feigenblum and How You Will Never Get a Job in Sweatpants- How Comfort Leads Lack of Success and Congregants Who Don't Pay Dues. The Chemistry of Fizz and Finishing a Bottle Before Opening a New One. How To Make an Uncontained Fire with The Youth of Our Shul. How to Be an Irresponsible Parent with The Parents of Our Shul.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
Turns out Moishie is fine.
Moishie’s shirt was out. It was a Sunday. Now everybody is worried. He wasn’t even wearing sweatpants. They've just never seen him with his shirt not tucked.
Mr. Feigenblum has given up. That I know. Always in sweatpants. He's not a gym teacher. Just gave up. Went comfortable. And now he smiles. Something is wrong.
I don't think Moishie works Sundays. Though, the shirt out is not a good sign. Something must've happened. He must've relaxed for a moment.

They put back the sodas every time. Like old bottle fizz is better than new bottle fizz. They don't clean up or recycle. They put away. 
Then they bring out the old colas and the new ones. Eighteen colas with a quart in each of them. All flat, except for one. It's like the shell game, where you have to guess which cup the bottle cap is under. You have to pray you catch the one with fizz.
Eighteen colas in the fridge. All open. Likes it a Segulah omen for life. And where is the Sam's Club soda from. I don’t even think Sam’s Club makes cola anymore. We have it.
Maybe the first cup has the most fizz, so our congregants won't drink more than the first pour out of the bottle. They have standards. Give the cola to Mr. Feigenblum. He wears sweatpants. He has no standards.

We need Kiddish rules for the sisterhood. Like put away stuff not like idiots. Like cover the tuna bowl before putting it back in the fridge. And throw out anything that tastes like tar when flat.
Anything that's been out of the kitchen, you can't donate it to the food shelter. But we can drink cola from eight weeks ago, because Sharon doesn't know how to throw out fizzless soda. And we can eat tuna that's fridge hard on top. 
And I say the sisterhood, because men don't help. Men with tucked in shirts do not help. They tuck in their shirts.

I just stay away from the kids on Lag BOmer. I don't know when eight-year-olds making a fire became a good idea. We don't even let our fifteen-year-old near the stove. 
And they don't even know how to make fires. They just light stuff. They see it, they light it. They pass fires. And the parents think it's cute. When parents see a situation where their child might get hurt real bad, they think it's cute. That's why so many parents send their kids to karate. 

Moishie came back to shul on Shabbis with a three-piece suit. Tight. Couldn't breathe. Members started going back to his practice for treatment. He now knows that you tuck in a shirt if you want business. I don't think we will ever see Moishie in comfortable clothing, unless if it's a three-piece sweatsuit.
Though he used to swim for exercise, he swore off swimming, as it's tough to swim with the button-down shirt tucked in.

The rabbi gave a follow-up class to Mr. Feigenblum and His Lack of Success. Belts and How They Hold Up Your Life.

Reading off of phones at ceremonies and memorial services is not allowed anymore. The board discussed it and it takes away from the emotion of people dying. It seemed like the one reading Eugene’s eulogy was scrolling their Facebook.
 
Rabbi and team rightfully are taking credit for this community. To quote the rabbi, “I built the building. I brought the membership. I hired myself.” The people who hired the rabbi agreed. The board is investigating how the shul was built a hundred years ago, when the rabbi has only been here ten.
 
Chesed Opportunities: We’re having another food drive. If you have anything disgusting, that you want to get rid of, poor people will eat it. We suggested carrots and peas. If you made a mistake purchasing that disgusting mixture, you can donate that. Nobody likes those.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Memorial Service by Treating it Like a Poetry Slam. The History of the Shul- A History of Ten Years. Why Your Mistakes are a Mitzvah to Give to the Needy- And Anything Mrs. Schwartzman Cooks.

Rivka’s Community Rundown
It looks bad when you're looking at your phone for a speech at a funeral.
That truly was the worst funeral I've been to. Eugene's children were looking at their phones the whole time. And that was to pay respects to their father. 
And to be honest, it seemed like they were asking ChatGPT what to say. "Our father was a good man." That's all ChatGPT could give them. Nothing about him being a Tzadik. You would think ChatGPT would give a little more.
And then the Yom Hazikaron ceremony for the fallen soldiers looked messed up with the kids reading off their iPhones. Technology has killed all emotion and sentiment in our community. The only thing people love is scrolling. This whole phone speech for our fallen holy brothers and sisters hurts the moment and the connection. One kid asked Google Gemini if they should cry.
You need paper for meaning. A black sheet for it to be meaningful. I can't cry without seeing a black piece of corrugated paper backing the paper they're reading off. And they should have black paper at funerals too.
Even the unfolding of white paper kills my emotions. Just hearing that tampering. And Eugene's daughter had a white phone, with a hot pink phone cover. When honoring people, at least have a black phone.

Everybody wants credit for everything. There is no appreciation for the past. To quote the president, who got to the shul three years ago, "The shul has only existed for five years." The shul has no history now. Just meaningless Davening off cellphones.
Nobody wanted to argue with the rabbi. So, the history of the shul is now gone.
Somebody must've mentioned that the shul was thriving. That must’ve set off the rabbi, who had just got here ten years ago. Somebody mentioned that the building is a hundred years old. To which the rabbi was shocked, saying, “The oldest person here is only ninety.” No concept of history or celebrating our nation. Our rabbi thinks Israel just popped up out of nowhere.
The rabbi doesn't know much about construction. He's great. But he knows nothing about how long buildings can last. He's still amazed that the Kotel is there. Every time he comes back from Israel, he's giving speeches, amazed, "That Wall has to be at least sixty years old."
They're trying to get rid of old people too. Reading off his phone at the funeral, the shul president said, "Another old person dead." No history in our shul anymore. They’ve decided to get rid of the lifetime seats that people purchased. Nothing is longstanding anymore. Lifetime seats are for seven years. They're working it like Shmitah cycle.
It's this new modern thing where you take credit for everything because ChatGPT said to.
 
That was the most successful food drive. People were so happy to get rid of their carrots and peas. The congregants see those on the supermarket shelves, thinking, "There is no way somebody would put together a combo that doesn't taste good." They've never had British cooking.

I'm still bothered by this new idea of community not being connected to anything that ever was. This credit thing is getting annoying. I like the connection to the past. It gives me a reason. It reminds me that I'm messed up because of other people.
And the rabbi brought the youth to the shul. Like there was never youth. Like Eugene was born eighty-five years old.

The rabbi gave an intensive on how not to look at your phone. The class was held on Zoom. So... everybody was looking at their phones. I'll spell out how messed up our community is.

​Shemini
Shul Announcements
Pesach is over. The office can’t explain how everybody couldn’t afford food or find Pesach food, and put on an average of 12lbs. The rabbi asks people stop lying and start paying their dues.
 
Meryl’s stuffy nose is bothering everybody. We believe she is holding her nose to push out the extra stuff. She sounds like a rhinoceros. Please stop complaining to the board about it. They’re annoying too. Ruchel has an extremely annoying sneeze as well.
 
Chesed Opportunities: Susan Filstein has been crying all week. She was watching General Hospital and one of her favorite characters died. Please comfort her. A side note- the Lipkins lost their mother.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Has the Worst Genes- People Who Ate Nothing Over Pesach and Still Put on Twelve Pounds. How to Bother the Cantor’s Repetition of The Amidah with a Stuffy Nose- The History of Disgusting People in Our Shul. General Hospital and People We Truly Love.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They all bought Pesach food. A lot of it. They congregants were all complaining they couldn’t afford it. They were just mad that Kroger wasn’t offering half of on Manischewitz and Glick’s Kosher for Pesach macaroons. Somehow, they all blamed the rabbi for that.
Are macaroons now an expected mass-produced items that nonJews are begging for?!
 
The rabbi is right. They have enough money for Shmura Matzah, but they don’t pay their dues. Something is wrong.
 
People come to shul to clear their sinuses. The volume on sneezing, blowing and Chuching is crazy. If they’re not harmonizing to a tune that the Chazin is not singing, they’re Chuching out phlegm wads. It’s disgusting. Our weekday Minyin at our shul is even worse. That’s why no women show up to that. They don’t want to hear Bernie and Sal clearing their throats and phlegming into handkerchiefs.
Just seeing a handkerchief is disgusting. I stay away. I see anybody with a handkerchief, I consider that COVID. I don’t care how many times you washed that.
 
Nobody showed up to the Lipkin’s Shiva. The focus was General Hospital. Some stuff truly affects our membership. And that is not Shoshana Lipkin’s mother.
The rabbi’s class about people we truly love had nothing to do with any of our membership. He brought up some of the cast of General Hospital and other lover of Zion.
 
Tazria-Metzora and Yom HaAtzmaut
Shul Announcements
Table hitting during Lcha Dodi has to stop. Mark and Pinchas think they’re coming to shul for a Friday night djembe circle.
We ask that people who decide to use the Shtender as a drum keep a beat. The rabbi wants to remind everybody that it’s a table. Not a Darbuka.
 
The shul will host an Israeli Darbuka circle for Yom HaAtzmaut. And Falafel. You can bang on the Darbuka when we’re not Davening.
 
Chesed Opportunities: There are poor people who haven’t been to Israel. You can donate a flight for a homeless person.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Throw Prayers Off- Our Membership’s Inability to Bang a Table to a Beat. Why It’s Asur to Play Music on Shabbat - Reasons You Ruin Judaism for Me, Your Rabbi. The History of All Israeli Independence Day Programs in America Consisting of Falafel. Why Your Chesed Makes No Sense & How Poor People Can’t Afford Anything in Israel- The Cost of Shwarma.
 
Rivka’s Community Rundown
They truly cannot keep a beat at our shul. They bang on stuff like they’re professionals. Never practiced a thing. They just come to shul and think they’re part of a djembe circle. Banging the Shtenders and moving their shoulders like they’re adding to the singing. And it is truly to a different song than Lecha Dodi.
The Chazin ended up stopping the Friday night service and confiscated all Shtenders. People started banging their chairs.
They think Topeka is an island somewhere where people are relaxed enough to enjoy music. Our congregants enjoy no singing. They enjoy getting out of shul. The only thing anybody in our shul has ever smoked is anger.
 
I like the Yom HaAtzmaut Darbuka drum compromise. They can bang at the Yom HaAtzmaut Israeli Independence Day party, where I will not be. Knowing that our members were going to be getting musical at the Israeli Independence Day celebration, half our congregants did not show up. They explained in an open letter to the Federation, “We love Israel. We just hate everybody that goes to our shul. If Michel was banging in Tel Aviv, we would not support Israel. We stayed away, because our members can’t keep a beat, and Bernie Chuching out phlegm on the Falafel balls makes it hard to celebrate our independence.”
 
They’re thinking of helping the poor travel to Israel. No hotel. Just the flight. So, the homeless go to Israel and sleep on the streets. Beg for dinner.
The charity committee figures that is the Israel experience they should have. They’re homeless in America. They should be homeless somewhere else too.
Are our congregants thinking the homeless experience in Israel is more enjoyable because it’s warmer weather there?! And the committee is doing this for Hasbara reasons. They want the homeless to be able to come back from Israel and to tell everybody how great it is.
I’m just worried they’re going to go on Tucker Carlson and say they were mistreated by the Israelis, who blew up their hotel. Which led to them having nowhere to stay.
What I'm trying to say is that our shul, Beit Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, is the reason for Jew hatred. I know. I go there, and I hate everybody.
 
Not going to lie. Shwarma has gone up. A trip to Israel on a Falafel budget is not fun. My last trip to Israel felt like a very long Yom HaAtzmaut celebration in Topeka.
To note. Macaroons did go on sale this week. It turns out, Pesach sales happen two weeks after Pesach. And I have messed up the Omer count again. I have not made it a season since I was sixteen. I am not very good at counting barley. You give me sheaves, I will mess it up. I’m better at counting with an abacus.
If I was counting from the beginning of Pesach to the time macaroons went on sale, I could fulfill that Mitzvah.

Announcements
You have to clean your home for Pesach. We also suggest the Pelushkin family clean their house. It’s filthy.

Antisemitism is up, because of things that Iran’s IRGC is doing. It turns out that targeting civilians and murdering your population is wrong. Jews agree with that. Israel agrees with that. Which is why Israel is getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians.
Please tell that to members of the congregation who like to spend time on social media, in order to support hatred of our people.
 
Friendly Rules: You must look at people and greet them. You have to notice people when noticing them. You can’t ask somebody to get up from your seat without saying “Shabbat Shalom” first. Basically, the rules are you can’t be a piece of ----.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Cleaning the Pelushkin Home and Other Jewish Anomalies. How to Blame Israel for What Iran Does - A Gateway to Running a Good Podcast. How to Not Be an Arrogant Piece of ---- With Mr. Finkelman Who Has Mastered the Art of Never Saying “Hi” - Who We Hate.

Rabbi Mendlechem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s going to be long. It’s Shabbat Hagadol. The tradition is for me to give a very long speech. Gadol means large. And that refers to the sermon. “The very large sermon”... I don't know what a large speech looks like. It's my job. I have to do it... A big whiteboard. Next year I'll have a large whiteboard with the sermon on it. But for now, it's going to be very long...

(Vayikra 8:1-3) H’ tells Moshe to get Aharon and his children and their clothes, food for the service and oils. “And gather all the people to the Tent of Meeting...” It was the Tent of Meeting. People meet there... This is shul. People are not supposed to talk throughout the Davening. All of services is not a meeting time... You're not saying, "What's about Gd. Haven't seen you for a minute." Whatever a minute is... I have no idea what "a minute" is, Bernie. It might be a year. It's that Jewish big bang theory, that time moved slower back then. Time moves slower when people come to shul... They come late. That's what I was saying.
You gather the people before the service... That’s the problem. You think the Minyin happens, and then you gather. You need to gather to get a Minyin. And you need to not be part of this congregation to enjoy being around Jews.

"All the people." Ramban teaches that H’ wanted the whole nation to see Aharon’s family were chosen to be Kohanim... I know we have programs nowadays that we don't advertise. I don't want to have to see the membership... It wasn't like the Portsman wedding, where nobody wanted to come. There was nobody there because it was a destination wedding... The destination was a miniature golf course. who wants to see that?!
H’ wanted everybody to witness it... So, you wouldn’t complain. You complain about everything. You show up late, you complain. You guys complain every time you miss something. Baruch even wanted to know if we did Shacharit today... Yes. We did it. You missed it. You didn't see it. And you didn't see the cleaning staff cleaning for Pesach. Which is why you thought it's a good idea to eat a cookie in shul. Today. Shabbat HaGadol. Right before Pesach, this guy eats Pepperidge Farm in the hallway. Crumbs everywhere...

Again. Gathering. That's the point. We have to come together first, before we serve Gd... How do you serve H’ as a people and gather later?! Idiots. "I prayed already..." Well, how does that help the Minyin?! Other than Baruch bringing crumbs and ruining Pesach for everybody... They have to come in and clean again... We have to gather the cleaning crew again and retrace everywhere you walked. Like a prePesach Scavenger Baruch Hunt... Point is, it's better if everybody gathered without Baruch...

When you dedicate stuff you prepare right. You make sure everybody is present. That's how they did it for the Tabernacle. Definitely did not do it with the shul's renovations. No preparation... You started the groundbreaking for the new children’s wing with nobody there. It was messed up. I wouldn’t call it a groundbreaking. It was a shul destroying... Groundbreaking with nobody. The preparation had nobody. You didn't even prepare the preparation correctly...
You have to prepare right. You need people. Which is why we don't have a Minyin...

(Vayikra 8:6) “Moshe brought Aharon and his sons and he immersed them in water.” First thing you do is clean them... I don’t know if they smelled like Pinchas. Maybe Moshe didn’t want to deal with a bunch of guys who just got back from the Beis Midrash... Learning Torah doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shower... Is showering Mivatel Torah? Good question. It might be wasting time from learning. You can't learn Torah in the shower. That we know. At least wash your hands. There are laws to wash your hands before learning Torah... Singing Shwekey songs in the shower is Asur. You can't do the Tehillim songs.
The lesson is, you don’t bring people together when they’re dirty. Smelling like... Nobody wants to be around that...

Exactly. It's a Pesach message. You get everybody ready. You clean. You prepare. Buy food. Then you gather all of the people for the holiday... I don't know the exact order. But you do clean. Cleaning is the whole time. You clean when you're buying food and gathering people too... And you serve Gd together. Which is why we need gathering. If I have to keep on explaining this nation thing, I'm going to shoot one of the people. Even if they're part of the nation...

Prepare and gather. Gather and prepare. Be clean. Shower. Don’t fart so everybody has to smell it... Because farts chase away community.

When you consecrate your home. You invite the community. Chanukat Bayit. Dedication of the house... It’s not Chanukah. It's a house dedication. We're speaking of a ceremony... I'm making a point, Bernie. And you should clean your home before you consecrate it...
Your home is filthy for Pesach... We’re not talking Kosher for Pesach. We’re talking filthy for Pesach. Filthy for Pesach is not good... I know. You’ve taken the Halacha of making sure to get rid of Chametz too far, by only focusing on Chametz. You can clean too... You with your "we will not wash the floors." If a dog can't eat it, it's probably a good time to clean that up... If you don't consider the bread that got left behind the oven from three years ago Chametz, that's fine. Clean it for the holiday. And also check behind the oven for Pepperidge Farm chocolate coated cookies. Baruch has a way of spreading those crumbs...
It’s not being a better Jew by showing that your place is still dirty but Kosher for Pesach.
A home must be cleaned for the holidays. To celebrate... 
Rabbi Pelushkin. Our child came back from your home dirty from playing inside. The kids played inside... Our daughter had mud all over her clothes from playing dolls in your home.
You consecrate for the holidays... So, you can celebrate them correctly. If I have to keep explaining. That's the message. You prepare and bring community together. And nobody wants to go to the Pelushkin home in their new holiday clothes...

We come together against antisemitism and members of our shul. May we be freed from antisemitism and the board... I don't know how to consecrate antisemitism. Maybe war.
How we’re getting blamed for the IRGC targeting civilians and murdering people. It's the members of our shul, on social media, saying they hate Donald Trump... Donald Trump is not Jewish. Stop listening to Candace Owens. She's crazy... And we're still getting blamed for people starving in Gaza who aren't starving. We're getting blamed for people who should be starving but aren't. I think that's the cause now. And it's because of us. Because people want to kill us. So, because people want to kill us, we get blamed for everything.
Who's starving is people who have to buy Pesach food. The cost of that... We should charge the Gazans Pesach food prices...

Finkelman can go to Gehenim. He ruins community. The guy never says "Hi." Does his high head pass... If he did the low head pass, I would say he's an Anav. He's a pious humble man... It all depends on the trajectory of the head. If you pass at a thirty-five-degree neck angle, you're still a community person. Very good question...
Like you’re better. You’re insecure. And you cause antisemitism in the shul. That's what you do, Finkelman...
When walking in shul you have to say "Hi" to people. You can’t be a jerk... You see them. How can you not see them?! You pretended like you didn’t. Because you are insecure...
You said "hello" because you needed them to pass you the Chrein. You wanted horseradish for your fish. Your friendliness only means you need something. Basically, Finkelman has no heart. Would hate to be at his Seder. He probably wouldn't notice. He prepares by ignoring his responsibility to make Charoset...
At least Finkelman doesn't talk during services. He still deserves to be hated. He's not nice to the people who gather. Fart at Finkelman's spot...

Can we consecrate together this Pesach?! As one people with no hatred amongst ourselves and no bad smelling people... I know the three-day Chag with Shabbat is going to be hard. People are going to be smelling bad...

(Vayikra 8:7-10) Then Moshe puts on the priestly clothes and anoints the Tabernacle. But first. Before all this, you make sure the people are gathered and clean... Otherwise, you ruin the priestly clothes. They didn't have a Kohen laundering service. People had to scrub that stuff. And ironing in those days wasn't easy. You had to lift a heavy boulder and smash it on the sash to straighten it.
We have to be holy ourselves. Prepare ourselves. Be a community. Kick Finkelman out... Stone him. Maybe... And maybe then, we can get the Pelushkins to finally clean their home...
I don't know if they're cleaning in Israel right now. It's good you care. You should worry about our people and the bombs, and you should clean.
And please pick up and Pepperidge Farm crumbs...

Pesach is coming. Shower.

Rivka's Rundown
The Pelushkins like to celebrate the holidays in dirt. They feel it's more Biblical that way. 
That's my problem with the Artscroll Chumash. It's too clean. It's not Biblical. A Torah should be the old brown one with the bendy taped on binding.

The rabbi said the congregants were very dirty. He was accusing them of being Chametz. That's how unclean he said Mordy was. He said he had leaven on him.

And the rabbi talked for a very long time. It was a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. And it had something to do with Pesach. I think the message was something about not flatulating on Matzah.
The only Torah the rabbi really shared was that he has to give a long speech.

And truer words have never been spoken. "Farts chase away community." That was a disgusting fart. We smelled it in the women’s section.
How do you respond to that? Do you laugh? Do you leave? Everybody ignored it like nothing happened. All disgusted running from the area, but nothing happened?!
Now the board wants people to own their farts. They had a whole meeting about farts. They now have a flatulence committee. What the committee is trying to enforce now is the logging of farts. They want people to own their farts. And they are finding out that our shul has a bunch of liars. Not one person has taken fart accountability.
It was tough. The rabbi was constantly moving during the sermon. Like the fart was following him. At one point he delivered ten minutes of the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha in the women’s section, on the right side. Half of the shul was huddled there with him. And then the fart made its way over to the right side of the women’s section. So, the rabbi went back up to the Bima lectern. Ten people from the congregation went up with him, as they felt it was the only safe place.
I have never seen the rabbi move that much during a sermon. I’ve never seen a speaker move that much. And that’s even when they’ve let one go. Sometimes speakers use the walking technique to move away from their own flatulence. 
​
Now I understand the idea of the programs not being advertised with times and location. The shul runs programs to not see members. Well attended programs with no people. And the rabbi is happy with that. He is doing his job, running programs and he doesn't have to see people at them.

Very correct. Pepperidge Farm cookies make tons of crumbs. Even the skinny ones somehow get crumbs everywhere. Almost as bad as when I bight a Stella D'oro Swiss Fudge.
Fun event idea I just came up with. A Baruch Crumb Crawl around shul. To find all the crumbs before Pesach. A shul Bdikat Chametz event. We don't even need Baruch. We can do it after youth groups, following around the kids of our shul. They don't even need Pepperidge Farm. Dirty little things.

The rabbi told certain members they should shower before Shabbat for peace in the community. Because they smell real bad.
Some of the men think showering is Mivatel Torah (wasting time from Torah learning). They feel they should spend all their free time learning Torah. Being March Madness and now the baseball season, plus all the new series on Amazon Prime and Netflix, there is very little free time to learn Torah.

It’s very hard to be a good Jew. So much self-hating. Especially with the board. Even if you like Jews, you hate the shul board. You’ve got to fight for yourself now.
Why the news doesn’t mention any of this targeting civilians. It seems like it’s fine to target civilians if you’re not American or Israeli. If you're American or Israeli you have to say thank you to the Gazans and Iranians for holding up their children to shoot at them. And it's fine to target Israelis. They're not considered civilians, because they're Jewish. Or Jewish connected, which makes the Israeli Arabs evil too. And Israelis don't target civilians. The only civilians Israel targets are the ones who are in labs, trying to kill us. I'm just so mad about this Jew hatred. And they don't even have a reason. I go to shul. I have a reason to hate Jews.

It wasn't Lashon Hara about Finkelman. Everybody in the shul knows he's a jerk. It was Musar (rebuke). 
I like "you can’t be a piece of ----" rule. You have to greet people and look at them.
The tilt of the head that the rabbi mentioned is very important. The high head hold makes it so much more not friendly. They started using a protractor at the daily Minyin to ensure people were friendly enough to join. If they deem you not friendly, they force you into the pious head angle of humility.
They kicked one guy out whose head didn't align with the ninety-degree angle, during the Aleinu prayer bow. 

The class on how to not be a jerk was well attended. We have a lot of people in our shul that are working on being bigger pieces of ----.
A bunch of jerks. They notice you. And then they go right past you. That’s unless they need something. So, they think you like them, because whenever they need something, you end up smiling.

Over the course of the week, we learned Finkelman has ​glaucoma. He's had trouble seeing the past year or so. We started a Tehillim group for him. We hope his eyesight is back to a hundred percent.

Announcements
Kroger has some good deals on Pesach food. Only fifteen dollars for a bottle of Kosher for Pesach mayonnaise. Kosher for Pesach lettuce is also on sale for just a little bit more than twenty dollars a pound.
 
Our prayers are with the US and Israeli armies. We apologize if that offends members of our shul. The board discussed it and with a vote of six to five, it was agreed that it is fine to pray for people who are protecting us and Israel. Even if it offends Jews in our shul, to pray for the protection of Jews is also fine.
The rabbi says you can support our soldiers, even if it isn’t an American thing to do. The board also voted you can’t blame Israel for everything, even if you are left-wing. Except for EL AL overcharging.
 
No outdoing the Chazin‘s singing. We know people like to sing and bother everybody. You are not allowed to out-singing the Chazin. The Chazin is loud enough. Children are scared, and we're losing congregants due to fear that Davening might take longer.
 
Halacha Classes: How to Save on Pesach Food- A Crash Course on How to Spend Only Thirteen Thousand Dollars on Pesach and Other Great Deals. The Art of Blaming Israel and Somehow Thinking You’re a Good Jew- With Our Congregants Who Show Up for Kiddish. How to Be a Chazin Without Being Asked to Be the Chazin- Shlomi and How He Sings Very Loud.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You bring a peace offering for peace. For H’s sake. Shlomo...
Sforno teaches the peace offering, the Shelamim, is brought when one recognizes Gd’s goodness. This congregation doesn't even recognize when they find a deal on Kosher for Pesach chocolate covered almonds. How can you recognize the gifts H’ gives you when you can’t appreciate finding a bag of almonds with chocolate on top for twelve dollars?! How can you appreciate Gd when you can't appreciate a sale on Pesach treats?! If you can't see H's miracles, how will you see his goodness.

Rashi teaches that it brings peace to the world. The Karban Shelmaim has a part for the Altar, a part for the Kohen, a part for the owner. Since everybody is satisfied, peace. Shalom.. I’ve never been satisfied after eating at the Minkowitz house. The portions are tiny. Everything is served on a teacup holder plate. And that is why there is no love in that family...

I don’t know if Shechting cattle in the Beit HaMikdash would bring peace to the Middle East. Slaughtering a cow will help with dinner. It would bring brisket to the Middle East. I don’t know if it would end the war. We’re just learning Torah... If you leaned Torah and shared a good Yapchik Kugel with a lot of meat in it, that would bring peace...
If we had the Beit HaMikdash would that bring peace? Don’t get me fired for sharing Torah ideas...

Rabbi Hirsch teaches that that the Shelamim sacrifice is called a Zevach, which could also mean a feast, because “during the eating of a peace-offering’s flesh, the owner would invite the family, friends and acquaintances.”
Again. Sharing. Sharing in praise of H’. You share H’s kindness, that brings peace.
I don't want to be invited to the Minkowitzs... Nobody breaks bread there, because they barely have any bread. Maybe a pita... People don't break pita. They rip it.
Again. Sharing. You share a feast... The Minkowitz family doesn’t share a feast because they cook barely anything. It’s like they’re hosting a rabbit for dinner, with the vegetables and no meat... Carrots in the choolante? Is that a Tzimis?! Nobody likes Tzimis...
Yes. I got it all from Artscroll. Does that mean it’s not correct?! Idiots.

Sharing... Sharing. Giving. It’s the same thing. Unless if you’re Ami, who takes. That’s what he does in the sharing process. He sits there and takes.
Recognize and share something that brings satisfaction...

Do you believe in H’? It’s Pesach. You’re supposed to spend money. That's how you bring H' to the world. That's how you share a feast. You spend a lot.
The miracle of Pesach is that even when you spend all of your money, H’ will provide... You spend money. You share the food. You have Shalom. The people that didn't pay for the Seder are happy... Your guests are happy. Unless if you're the MInkowitzs.
That's how you recognize H's goodness... It's a Mitzvah to go broke...

I understand there are people that want us dead. That’s why we pray for the president... I said it. Yes. We pray for the leader of our nation to have peace, to bring peace... He doesn't want to eat with you.
We thank H' for the blessing of life. We recognize peace... At least come to shul on time and Daven. Pray a Bissel.
And yes. We pray for Bibi. The leader of Israel... Israel is our homeland. Yes. It is. Always has been. Please let the board know, I apologize for letting Jewish people know that it's OK to pray for the Jewish homeland. I didn't mean to offend the Jews with talk of being part of a Jewish people... And we pray for the soldiers. I’m praying that I don’t have to deal with congregants.
And although it’s not American, we pray for America... This congregation turns me into an anti-Semite. I am getting to the point where I can't stand Jews... Because your political correctness is anti-Semitic. Your not being allowed to hate anybody somehow allows you to hate the Jewish people. And therefore, I hate you. I am starting to think that this thought I am having might bring Shalom...
Praying for Jews as Jews is fine. Jews being safe is part of Shalom. Peace.
Do you see the H' watching over us.  Can you feel it... I understand the board ruins recognition of Gd, and renovations...

Jews do something good, we get blamed... Israel leads an attack on a regime that’s been trying to kill us for forty-seven years, they get blamed.
If Israel doesn’t attack, they get blamed. I think they're confusing Israel with President Trump.
We’re still getting blamed for a genocide we didn’t do. We get blamed for stuff other people are trying to do to us. Kind of like what I have to deal with when it comes to the cost of Macaroons... I know they're expensive. I didn't do it. And yes. You are correct. Manischewitz are the ones targeting civilians...

What are we inviting people to share in? If it's not something enjoyable, that doesn't bring good. Hearing Shlomi sing, that doesn't bring peace. Hearing Shlomi overriding the Chazin doesn't help anybody recognize Gd during Kedusha. Nobody wants to join in that sacrifice of hearing his harmony...
The Chazin is painful enough. We don’t need you too. Nowhere in the Torah is there a suggestion to bring a voluntary offering of peace with Shlomi singing... Because that would chase everybody away from the Temple. Your harmony slows down Davening. And you can’t call it harmony. You’re louder than the Chazin. The Chazin is singing the song to your harmony. You threw him off. He thought you were the melody. That's how loud you are... Because you were louder... Melody is supposed to be louder. It’s not called melodizing. It's called harmonizing... You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you...
Sometimes it's sharing food. Sometimes is sharing a good song that brings peace. Sometimes it's Shlomi not singing...

The congregation wished you a Yashkoyach. Because they thought you were the one in charge. Sitting in your seat and running the Davening. Some even asked the Chazin to stop bothering your singing. They said he was rude for leading Davening.
You're not sharing your voice. Nobody wants to hear your voice. You're taking... Then you're sharing your voice too much. It's like overstuffing us with your sacrifice. It kind of turns it into us having to sacrifice for you. We don't feel the peace.

Ramban teaches the Karban Shaleim brings peace because of the wholeness of it. The one bringing the sacrifice is motivated not by a need for atonement but by a sense of wholeness.
It's pure praise. Pure wanting to give back. Something nobody in this shul does... It’s the full connection with H’ in the form of giving that brings peace. What it would be like to have that serenity of wholeness. A whole vacation away from here. Without having to deal with the board... The sisterhood giving back is a different conversation. It's almost as bad as Shlomi giving of his voice during Davening...

You give. You sacrifice. That brings wholeness. It brings all godliness together.
Shaleim, whole, is H'. Shalom. Karban Shelamim... It's not a pun.

When you're whole you can recognize Gd. And that comes from connection with others. Serving H' together. Without the Minkowitz family... And I understand if you don't want to connect with the other members at Kiddish. I hate our congregants too...

It’s the Minkowitz's fault. Probably bringing a turtle dove to sacrifice at the Temple... You can’t share a turtle dove. Maybe the Minkowitzs would find a way to split it up onto five teacup holders... A Shelamim has to feed people. It can't be a bird. You don't satisfy a community with a Cornish hen...
If the Minkowitzs gave us some chocolate covered almonds, we would find peace. Even if they got it on sale at Costco. That would bring recognition of H'... 
Chocolate covered almonds could bring peace to the Middle East... I know it costs a lot. If you stopped thinking about your money, and purchased everything for Pesach, there would be peace...

Rivka's Rundown
And we learned how peace works. It comes through chocolate covered almonds on Pesach. It is through chocolate covered almonds that we may recognize H'. And not through people singing in our shul. Not having to do the Musaf prayers with Shlomi and our Chazin brings recognition of H'.

The rabbi said he wasn't going to talk about the Third Temple, as he doesn't want any of our heretic members to tape him. To quote, "I don't want to end up on Tucker Carlson for loving H.'"

I’m just happy the Minkowitzs never invite me. I don't need to be invited to not eat. I'm a bad enough cook as it is. I don't have to go out to eat nothing.
The rabbi is right. If we had a good dinner, there’d be peace. If somebody made a decent couscous.

Now we know why you're supposed to lose all of your money on Pesach to food. It brings Shalom.
I am going broke just on the Matzah. Ever since our rabbi said we had to get the Shmura Matzah, I can’t eat anything on Pesach, other than Matzah. It turns out I don’t eat Gibruktz because I don’t have the money to make Matzah balls. After the Shmura Matzah purchase, I couldn't get eggs. Gibruktz is adding liquid to Matzah. I can’t afford the water bill.
I’m not looking forward to Seder night. People are always talking about how good the Matzah is. And it is, because people talk so much at the Seder, we’re starving by the time we eat it. I’m just thinking, about the Mitzvah of Matzah and how it bankrupt my bank account.
Matzah is known as a poor man's bread and I am extremely poor right now.

It seems like we have congregants that want Americans and Israelis to die. They want Sharia law for Jews. They feel that as Jews it's more important to keep Ramadan than Shabbat. I'm of the feeling that if they were worried about being hung for not following their Jewish laws, they would all keep Kosher.
They are offended if you say you’re Jewish. We have members of our shul that apologize for being Jewish. I was told, "Shabbat Shalom. I'm sorry for saying that."
I can’t even go to the grocery store without getting blamed for my Jewishness. It's like a sin. "What did you do? You're Jewish." I have to stop walking around with my half foot diameter Jewish star necklace.

"You're not a Levite. Even H' doesn't want to hear you." That hurt.
Shlomi was loud. It's true. I said "Amen" to him. Not to the Chazin. I even told the Chazin he was interrupting. I genuinely thought Shlomi was leading.
He said it was harmony, but he was louder than the Chazin. I think the rabbi was right. When you can't hear the melody, at that point, you're melodizing.

Announcements
Flights to Israel are now through Egypt. Thank Gd our congregants are safe. Our congregants that were in Israel did come back through Egypt. That’s how much they wanted to get out of Israel.
 
Shul Tehillim circle is not happening this week. Malka can’t make it, so there is no praying.
​
Mazel Tov to the Feldmans.
 
A Makom should only take up one seat. A Makom is your seat in shul. Everybody should know, Pinchas‘ Tallis doesn’t get a seat. His shawl isn’t a person. Even if it’s uncomfortable to say it to Pinchas. 
Pinchas. Please move your Tallis so people can sit.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our People Left Israel- The Jews of Today and Other Stuff Left Out of the Bible. Why None of Our Congregants Other Than Malka Know Hebrew. How To Wish a Mazel Tov to The Feldmans on Their Mazel Tov- Events That Are Not Specified and Other Stuff Our Office Will Explain. How Many Makoms Can You Take Up- A Games Night with Our Congregants- A Form of Musical Chairs to Be Played During Minyin.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Wise-hearted people worked on the Tabernacle. H’ didn’t want idiots... Because when you have idiots, working on the building, you have a Mechitzah that falls. The partition falls every time we Daven. You put up an egalitarian Mechitzah... It makes no sense. Wise-hearted people measure stuff. That’s why the Tabernacle didn’t fall... They took Mishkan apart, Bernie. The Tabernacle didn't fall.
And now that the wise people did their thing we speak of “the reckonings of the Tabernacle” (Shemot 38:21)... They didn’t wreck it. They reckoned it. That’s the problem with our shul. Our board thinks they’re fulfilling Gd’s word by wrecking everything. They ruin the shul and they think they're filling the Beit HaMikdash Miat... A shul is supposed to be a small Temple. And ours is very small, because of messed up renovations, that just turned into destruction... How you call breaking a wall “renovations” is...

The materials. This is what we got from the people. They weren’t just wise. They were giving. Which is why the renovations of the Tabernacle didn’t take three years. The donations to the Mishkan were given... You people say you will give. It doesn't happen. By the Tabernacle, they donated what they said they'd donate. They weren’t trying to all work tax write-offs at the same time...
It worked because their Levites showed up for services... And they showed up on time...

Even when they traveled. Even when they were in the dangerous desert, they did things right. They reckoned in the hard times.
They were worried about hate, but the one “whose heart motivates him” donated (Shemot 35:5). They said they want to help, not like our congregants... You ran when we asked you to hold up the Mechitzah, Brian. Because Brian has no heart. That’s what made them people with hearts... I’m not sure. I’m guessing the desert was dangerous, with Amalek and the Ites.
We need people with heart who show up... People with heart donate. They give even in the hard times. They participate in building. Not ruining... What has been hard Brian?... I know it's hard to get into a new series. That's a very tough time. We all go through hard times in our lives, when we finish streaming a series and have no idea what to do...
They didn't have nice cars back then. They didn't have fancy houses in the desert... They didn't have trucks taking up the whole highway moving their homes. You think everything was so easy in the desert, because of the Manna. I get it Cheryl. It wasn't as easy as you have it. You have Manna every day. A whole supermarket full of it...
It's about heart. This Drasha is about heart... Not about going to the supermarket and picking up food you find disgusting and donating it to poor people. That is just rude...

You need heart. Flights to Israel are messed up. I get it. But it's our homeland. It's where we pray to be... You're all praying to get out of there. "Oh. H'. Please help me get out of Jerusalem." That's your prayer... Why? Because you have no heart.
So the idea is to travel out of Israel, through places that hate Jews, to avoid places that hate Jews... Egypt. Germany is now the safest place to travel through... Turkey. Felvel came back through Turkey, who promises to destroy Israel.
You couldn’t spend more time in Israel. How you wanted to get out of there. You were willing to risk your life...
But you Daven in Egypt. You show up on time to services when there is nobody to pray with... I get it. Leaving Egypt. That is when we erected the Mishkan. Is that what you're all doing running out of Israel? Trying to rebuild the Tabernacle?!

You need heart to do stuff right.
Egypt is separating men and women in the airports. Which the Feinwitz family appreciated. Mr. Feinwitz hates his wife.... We only separate for prayer and celebrations. We travel together in this shul... OK. Unless if it’s on a bus.

And now there’s no Tehillim. Our people need Tehillim now. They’re getting bombed. But they don't get the prayers of Psalms because Malka is the only one in this shul with a heart... Malka has a wise heart. Wise-hearted Malkie.
And that is why Malka is in Israel right now. Stuck there. Because she has a heart... People booking bad tickets, and forgetting to catch their flight, takes heart... I don't know if Malka would have helped build the Tabernacle. I can say, she would've donated something. I know she dropped off the expired box of Cheerios for the poor people... At least it was a name brand, Mark. You're bringing Good Value ‘O’s... Is that even a brand? It's a sale sign. You donated Walmart Sale Sign ‘O’s. The poor people do not appreciate your heart.

What are the Feldmans celebrating?  We just got a Mazel Tov in the announcements. Nothing else... Well. Mazel Tov on your Mazel Tov. You should be blessed with good heart and reckonings. And a board that is not involved in your home's renovations. They will wreck it.

Pinchas. Heart is not about taking up the whole things. Moshe didn't help with the reckonings, and the reckon the whole place for himself...
You take up whole row with his Tefillin, coat, bags. His Tallis has a spot. A spot for a Tallis. We’re going to charge your Tallis on the High Holidays.
People sitting next to you might happen in shul. That's what happens when you pray with people... There are other people here... Your Shtender has a chair. It’s a free-standing lectern with its own chair. You have a conductor table in shul with its own seat.... And you were all against pews. At least you could justify a pew being yours... It's five seats. But one. 
I'm just asking you all to have heart. To share. To give. To not mess up the building of our shul like the dumb-hearted.

When you have a heart, nothing stops you from being good. Man's Search for Meaning. Read it... I know it's not in Hebrew. Yet, it's a great Sefer. It's Torah… It’s not because you haven’t read the book. You have no heart because you’re an idiot.
When you have a good heart, you don't take up every seat... It is wise-hearted to keep Bernie away. I get it. In that case, taking up space...
When you keep that heart you travel as a Jew and risk your life. You travel to Israel. You say Tehillim, even without Malka. You move. When you have a good heart, you're in good shape. Your cardiovascular system...
No heart. Just selfishness. This is why we lost the shul basketball league this year. No heart.

You win with heart. Renovations are done right with heart. You reckon with heart. And with heart, we wish the Feldmans a Mazel Tov... People didn't donate Mazel Tovs to the Tabernacle...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi ended the Drasha on a whole fitness thing, talking about having a good heart. And somehow aerobics leads to donations.
​And even after the sermon, people still haven't paid their Yom Kippur Yizkur Appeals.  But they did donate a bunch of Chametz to the poor people, dropping the expired cans off at the shul, reckoning the shul very not Kosher for Pesach. 
I have a feeling people clean their homes, drop off their Chametz at the shul, and claim it's for poor people. Basically, their donations are their issues they're throwing at the shul. They trauma dump their garbage on the shul.

Very few people were in shul. They saw it was a double Parsha. That scared them away. To quote Evie, “The Levites didn’t show up when there was a double Parsha.”

That supermarket full of Manna line. Brilliant. That's Jewish theology in four words.
Why the rabbi always talks about fancy cars in the times of the Torah. No idea. We know Lincoln Town Cars didn't exist back then.
I think the rabbi's main point was they didn't have a Kosher section in the desert. And they still donated to their shul. Which was the Mishkan. And they showed up to services.

The rabbi ended his sermon with a shul chant. “We are Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah and we have heart. When the game is on, we always start.” Made no sense and it had no beat.
The name of our shul is too long to root for. That's why we always lose.

I guess the Ites are a people. The rabbi said so.

The rabbi had to take back the risking your life part with the whole leaving Israel thing. It scared people. In a class during the week, he was asked when it's fine to risk your life. He made it clear that the only time it's fine to risk your life is when Kashering your kitchen for Pesach. At that point, throwing boiling water and taking a blowtorch to your home is fine.

All of these flights are crazy now. Got to fly through the most dangerous places. Truth be told, Iran is the safest place to fly through. Nobody is aiming for those airports.
The IRGC of Iran really kills flights and vacations. They will ruin a good trip.
Our Jewish people over here will do anything to not be in Israel. Our congregants will show their solidarity in every way but being there. They will go on a walk for Israel. They will shop for Israel. They dedicate their vacations to Florida to Israel. At the Kiddish luncheon, Michel dedicated his gefilte fish to Israel, and ate it.

Malka is not back from Israel because she missed her flight. She wanted out of Israel too. She's just as much of a heretic as every one of us. But she does lead a good Tehillim prayer service. Very melodic.

Tehillim circle is messed up. They just come to talk. Most of them are knitting scarves. It’s more of a sewing circle. A sewing and talking about people circle. It’s a Tehillim Lashon Hara circle. Being that we have some Israelis who show up, and they're talking in Hebrew, it sounds very religious.

The donations are messed up. I'll just leave it as that. Our shul is the expired food bank.

At least the shul announced some stuff that was happening this week. Like a Mazel Tov to the Feldmans. A Mazel Tov sounds like enough of an event. A Mazel Tov is something to celebrate. I love hearing "Mazel Tov." If you see me, wish me a Mazel Tov. Mazel Tovs are always good. If my husband dies, I'll be fine hearing Mazel Tov.

Taking up five Makoms. Not a lie. These people take up five seats. His tallis has a spot. The guest stood for forty-five minutes, trying to figure out if it was proper to ask the Tallis to move.
They all take up four to six spots. Whole rows. They take up whole rows. I think they pay dues and they feel they have the right to a row. Our shul holds a hundred eighty people or five of our members at morning Minyin.
B”H there are no pews. I'm against the rabbi and his pews idea. If there were pews, Pinchas would take up the whole shul. He would have at least five pews. A pew for his Tefillin. His Tefillin would have a pew. He would lay out his jacket. I was once in a waiting room with Pinchas. No other family in the ICU got a couch. He claimed them all. One of them was Pinchas' coat. One couch was the food he picked up at Costco. He said he needed a couch for it because the boxes of chips were too big.

Because they called for the musical chairs Makom game to be played during Minyin, nobody showed up to the event. It turns out that prayers chase people away from our shul.

Announcements
We pray for Israel, our Israeli soldiers and our American soldiers, even if members of our shul are against prayer because of Trump.

Jewish athletes are causing antisemitism by liking America. Be safe. Don’t say you support hockey. Their patriotism is very not American. We as a shul stand against hockey players who support the USA. The board’s official statement: “We’re against anybody who represents their country in the Olympics. Patriotism is not American.”

We are sorry to all who planned to fly to Israel. Iran has ruined your vacation again. In support and solidarity with our Jewish brethren getting bombed in Israel, we are planning a shul trip to Florida.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Trump’s the Reason You Quit Your Job & Your Wife Left. Jewish Athletes & Love of America- How Appreciation and Hockey Cause Jew Hatred. Follow-up Class- How Jews Are the Reason for Every Hockey Fight.  How to Throw Out Mishloach Manot. Trips and Iran's War Against Vacation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 33:12, 33:18) Moshe seems to plead with Gd to know Him by name. He wants to see Gd’s “glory.” He wants to know more about H’. And I can say that I know enough about the board. I would be happier not knowing any of your names... When you care, you want to know more. There's an intimacy to a relationship, not a constant nagging to give shorter speeches. A wanting for your rabbi to get a little vacation, so him and his family can enjoy themselves...

(Shemot 33:20) Moshe is not able to see Gd’s face, as H’ tells Moshe, “Man cannot see My face and live.”
I would rather not see the faces I see in shul today... I wouldn’t mind if everybody here was behind a rock... Maybe H' just doesn't want the congregants to be coming to see Him. Because that can get very annoying.

Why does Moshe want to see H’ so much?
If you love and care, you want to know... None of you want to know about dues.
When there’s love, there’s a desire to know more. Which doesn’t exist in the Feinwitz household. I believe they are separated. And I don’t believe they have seen each other’s faces in two months... Mrs. Feinwitz has not requested to see the man.

Moshe wants to see H’ so much because Moshe wants truth. Moshe vTorato Emet. “Moshe and his Torah are Truth” (Baba Batra 74a). He wants to connect with all truth. Not lies. Like Mr. Finkelberg and his new concept for a shul pool... I understand it rhymes. That doesn't it make it good for our shul. You don't come to shul to then take a dunk and head to the Shvitz... I know the JCC is open on Shabbis. Doesn't make it the right. Truth. It does let us know which of our members are Apikorsim... I can tell. It's the ones that are not overweight.
You can only know truth when you know the deep desires. When you are intimate. When you love your spouse. Not like the Feinwitz Mishpuchi. You have to see the face. See the person...
​
Do you know what is going on for the people of Israel? Moshe would. He wants H' to be with His people. Moshe doesn't say he wants a board for H's people. Nowhere does Moshe say, "I think our board president, Ruchel, is good for the people. Everybody should know her."
Do you want to know more about Israel. Do you pray for them. A desire to know. An intimacy. A connection. To connect our people to H' and not messed up Mishloach Manot with bite size Snickers that can't even hold more than an "s"... If it can't hold the whole name, it's not a Snickers. It's a Ser, an Ner, a Rer... And now I'm entangled with candy that doesn't even have a full name... 

Connect with the president of the US. Pray for him... You people have to get over Donald Trump. He’s president and we have to pray for the end of the IRGC... There are other problems. I know. We still have a board. And our board meetings last longer than IRGC regime leaders.
The question is if Israel can stop our board from ruining our shul...
Truth is you hate Israel. You don't care about the Israeli soldiers or Israelis either... If you hate what Donald Trump is doing right now... Because you don't desire to to see his face. You got mad at Jack Hughes for wanting to go to the White House. You don't even care about hockey... So, now you hate Canada too.
What do you want to connect to? I know you don't want to connect with Gd... Because you're talking in the back, all of Davening, Max.
Can we pray for Mamdani?!... OK. You want to pray for Mamdani, because he hates Israel.
You have Tefillah Derangement Syndrome... Connect. Be intimate with the president. Invite him for lunch. For Kiddish. Pray...

It’s Jewish times of refuge, BE”H. Support your country. Support your soldiers... Our soldiers are not the IRGC. Iran not funding Hamas and Hezbollah is a good thing... Yes. Even if Trump is for it. I know that's confusing... I wish ICE would come to this shul and...
I don’t care about international law. Because the UN came up with it. How about Jewish law. Do you want to know that? How about Torah?! Maybe learn a little of Gd's word. Maybe that's more important than AARP Magazine... I know you're old.
Torah is our way to connect with H'. To see truth. Moshe's Torah is truth. Intimacy and truth. Stuff the Feinwitzs don't have.

Moshe brings the Truth to the people. A real leader... Truth. Words like genocide mean genocide. Genocide doesn't mean defending yourself. Illegal means illegal. Not the Shlomo took your Makom Kavuah... Even if it's your seat. Calm down. Not making shul painful with congregants means not having to deal with our membership...
Not to offend anybody. But you take out a terrorist regime, it's not a bad thing. Even if Donald Trump is part of it. And I just offended our board. If I get fired for not supporting terrorism... Last meeting, you were trying to figure out what should happen with the IRGC. You can't even figure out what drapes to pick for the shul's office window...
Moshe fights for Israel. And with that comes truth. He wants H’ to be with the people. And I would like that too... Because you're a bunch of Saturday JCC goers...

Supporting our soldiers is important. Very important... I know I disagree with the board. I'm here praying for our people. Our soldiers. The board is intimately trying to figure out where the Danish should be placed at Kiddish. They're praying for pastry that's not stale...

The only thing I know intimately is antisemitism. I know the board... Good question. For safety, should you say that you hate America. Let's ask an anti-Semite. Our shul president...

I want to be intimate with our people. Want to be able to visit Israel when I book a flight. The IRGC killed our last vacation... The congregation owes me another vacation...
We do blame EL AL too. We pray that EL AL won't be able to blame Iran anymore for bringing up the cost of flights.
I have intimately paid a lot for flights to Israel. The IRGC is the face of that. The IRGC, EL AL and our board... Forcing me to take vacations at the worst times. High season.
We must know Gd, our people, Israel, intimately. But that's impossible without flights. Moshe should've asked Gd to see better deals on EL AL...

We pray for safety for all. We pray for no more terror. Be a leader of a truth, like Moshe... Even on social media. Fight with your friends. Let them know they are wrong. Lose your friends. That’s what it takes... You will get fired. That is true. But you will have truth. You will have connection. And you will be broke...

How does going to Florida support Israel?... If you are not in Israel, they don't have to see you. If you didn't come to shul, that would be appreciated by the congregation. I get it...

(Shemot 33:17) H’ capitulates to Moshe’s requests. “Also this thing that you have said I will do. Because you have found favor in my eyes and I have known you by name.” Connection. That is what makes for compassion. For truth... I won't cut my sermons shorter. And I won't have more office hours. Whatever the board said, I will not do... I will be going to Israel. And I will support our troops. Because I want cheaper flights to Israel. For crying to H' out loud...
Truth can only be seen when you have a heart. Unlike these Israel haters and the board. If the board played hockey, they would've lost the game against Canada... Can you at least take pride in Jewish kids who are good at a sport. If we don't have that, all we have is Hollywood... Maybe don't say that to anti-Semites. Say the Mormons run Hollywood...

(Shemot 33:19) And with all of that H’ still says “I will be merciful when I choose to be, and I will be compassionate when I choose to be.” H’ is going to still be honest. With all the love. You can’t always show compassion. And that is why I have to say that some of you congregants are the worst thing for the Jewish people... H' chose to not be compassionate when He chose Ruchel and a bunch of Jews who think terror is good for our people, because Donald Trump doesn't like it... You not going to Florida instead of Israel is compassionate. An act of kindness to our nation...
Does Rebecca ever show compassion? Nope. Just a very annoying member of our shul who doesn't stop talking about her ideas for a new Challah role sourdough recipe...

Even Moshe still can’t see H’s face. There is always something us humans will not know. Something blocks our vision. Sometimes it's a rock. Sometimes it's Faye's fedora.
Some things will never make sense. Why Bernie comes to shul. Why he has to come to shul. Why Faye sits there with those annoying hats. Why Mitzi won't move from the Kugel at Kiddish. Other people are waiting. Why we have that back left section of very annoying congregants...
We have to know what we can. We still have to fight for what’s right. To see it. For truth. For better prices on EL AL...

There’s intimacy because there is a desire. A prayer. A connection.
H' comes towards Moshe's request. Moshe can't see All. But That's not what's important. What's important is that H' blesses him with a countenance that blinds the people and keeps them away... So, they don't bother him in his office... The desire is important. The Feinwitzs have absolutely no desire. And I understand. If I was part of that relationship, I would want out too.
I have no desire to connect with the board. They have chosen to never show compassion. Won't even give their rabbi Pesach off... And the guy working at the bakery hates you too.
That's the truth. The Emet.

H’ is beyond this world. You can't be in this Physical Olam and fully see H’. But you can be here and connect with his compassion. What He shows when He chooses.
May we be Zoyche to see H’ and His compassion for our people, our Olympians, our soldiers. And may He disband our board...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got political, and BE”H we will have fifteen less members next week.
I think the rabbi compared the board to the IRGC and Tucker Carlson.
What I gathered is the rabbi doesn’t want intimacy with his congregants. And that’s a good thing. Nowadays you get fired for that.
I think he also blamed ICE for not coming to our community. He was mad ICE hasn't come to our shul yet.

The Feinwitzs were hoping to get back together. They rekindled their love for one another. After the rabbi's sermon, they immediately signed the divorce papers. And there was a Bat Mitzvah in shul today. I think the rabbi called her an anti-Semite.

The board wants the rabbi to give shorter speeches. I believe everybody in our shul wants to know less of each other. Nobody in our shul has ever requested to see somebody's face more than they have to. People have stopped coming back for Seuda Shelishit on Shabbat afternoon, because they don't want to see the other members again. Truth is, most of the congregants walk with their heads down. Very immodest and egotistical people. They just don't want to see anybody.
Most of us would rather not know any names. We would rather not have people know our names. They know your name, they ask you to help. Best Shabbat meal I ever had was at a random family in Dayton, Ohio. Not one person knew my name. It got to the point mid-dinner where they were afraid to ask. I had been there too long for them to admit they didn't know who I was. I don't even think they realized I was sitting there. I didn't have to pass a thing.

The rabbi is truly mad about the cost of trips to Israel. I think that's what this war is all about. He just wants a deal on flights. He wants Israel and America to win the war in Iran so that he can find a sale on Travelocity. He's convinced that's why Israel is in this.
He also made the point that it's because of terrorists that we have to stand in security lines and get everything checked at the airports. Before that, it was much easier to shoot people on planes.

I brought up the politics at work this week. Not good. I realized I can't bring up anything I see in the news. I would be showing up every day saying, "People have died. And more people dead." People at my work don't like to hear that, unless if it's about a Jew. That at least brings a smile.

It is a time of Jewish peace. Be”H.
Oh. The rabbi got people mad, showing support for Israel and America. As Kim said, "Supporting the government. That's not very American." 
The Jews are mad that Jews might be safer without Iran. As Brian said, "Feeling safe is not Jewish. I am starting to feel a bit secure about myself. I'm turning into a Goy."
I got in a five hour argument with one of my friends at shul who made it clear that the real problem with this war is the Epstein Files. She got that from CNN. As she said, "That's exactly how it was reported. And they also said Mamdani is proIsrael. Which is why his wife likes posts which say to get the Jews out of Israel. I think she also wants them out of New York." She also mentioned later in the week that they had Mahmoud Khalil over to break the Ramadan fast, as a sign of support for the Jewish people. I think Mamdani's wife wants Jews dead. I'm beginning to think last week was a very heavy week.

Our members hate themselves so much. They will only pray for more antisemitism. That's their Tefillah. They hate the vLamlshinim prayer. They want a Bracha that says, "Our enemies should be blessed with more weapons, because of Donald Trump, who is trying to help our people."
Nothing bothered the people more than the rabbi praying for the end of terror. Our membership feels that’s not politically correct. As that’s their tradition. And they have the right to their tradition.

Iran truly kills vacations. As the rabbi said, "The IRGC's objective. is to get flights cancelled. And to have EL AL charge more."

That's how they support Israel. They don't visit.

The rabbi told a beautiful story about how you can get to know H' by getting to know a stranger. He quoted a rabbi. Forgot the rabbi's name. Just be happy I remembered this. All Moshe could see was an image of H', and a stranger is only an image. Which that stranger is. Created in the image of Gd, get to know that image. I think the point of that story was strangers are better than members. He brought it in the sermon to say that he doesn't want to know any of our membership. At least more than he already does. And he hates the board.

Announcements
There will be Mishloach Manot restrictions. Do not give anybody Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Other people also don’t like them. We do not care if they ended up by you. Be fair to other people and don't throw that nutmeg poppy Hamentashen onto anybody else. And no wicker baskets. We have had many members who have no idea how to throw wicker out. Thus, leading to the shul’s wicker piles. Let us not call them "gift baskets." Let's call them "gift ziploc bags." This will save a lot of trash.
 
Megillah reading will start on time. Which means, come to shul and don’t talk. Shlomo will have a hissy. He comes to shul to Daven. It’s annoying. We’ve tried dealing with the issue of members who don’t talk in shul.
Also, we ask that people do not get excited when they hear the name “Haman.” Over the years we’ve realized that it sounds like you’re cheering the guy on.
 
We will be giving children a lot of candy. Our shul understands the importance of Jewish education, Jewish holidays and diabetes.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mordechai and How He Didn't Have Hershey Kisses in Mind When He Was Thinking Gift Baskets on Purim. What to do with Wicker- A Jewish Response to a Pile of Baskets. How to Ruin Shul by Davening & Not Talking Like the Back Left of the Congregation and Mark. Haman Banging Techniques that Don't Sound Like You Love the Guy. How You Can Tell a Thin Jew is a Bad Jew.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Purim is Monday evening. And we shall celebrate... We celebrate. Purim is a holiday. That's what we do on holidays. We celebrate... We get drunk properly.
There’s a ritual.

When the Kohens were inaugurated, there was a ritual. You take unleavened bread... Not Hamentashen. They didn’t have Oznei Haman in the Tabernacle. And nobody likes Mrs. Felsenblum's poppyseed Hamentashen... We don’t call them Haman’s ears in English, because people would be more disgusted by that than Mrs. Felsenblum’s Tashen… No leavening. Anything you leaven, you mess up. Our congregation is very bad with leavening. None of you have any idea what to do with sourdough. And then with Pesach coming and the way you clean. Unleavened loaves...
Rituals. You dress the Kohanim. As part of the service, you show up with clothes. The first time Tim showed up in his bathing suit. He thought he was going to Davening at a pool... It’s a shul. Not a pool...

(Shemot 29:5) “And you shall take the clothes and dress Aharon...” You’re making the Ephod and the tunic... You use it to dress people... You have a suit. You wear it.
Even the Kohen Gadol has to get dressed. You serve H’. You get dressed... I am not supporting that huge black thing on our Chazin’s head. I have no idea where that was in the Beit Hamikdash. There is nothing that says you have to take a huge piece of satin and throw it on your head, in the Torah. Purim did not exist yet...
If it didn't say to dress Aharon, the Kohens of this shul would Duchening in tank tops. You would be doing the priestly blessings in undershirts...
You dress properly. You consecrate... That's how you consecrate. You dress properly.
Purim is coming. We have to consecrate the shul... Dress nicely. Dressing like a Han Dynasty Asian in not proper Jewish dress. Unless if you were living in China twenty-two-hundred years ago. If you were a Jew living in China in the times of the Second Beit HaMikdash, fine. But you're living in Topeka... Let's consecrate with a suit. How about this Purim you dress like a Mensch. That's a costume... A costume is something you wear that is different than what you usually wear. Hence, the suit is a costume for our male congregants...
When anointing Aharon there was correct dress. Not like Raizel, who's wearing an evening gown like she's getting married at Kiddish...

If there is anything we learn. Ceremony is important. And our shul needs to get things right. At the Berkman wedding, the flower girl. She was throwing roses everywhere. Petals all over. The bride walked on carpet. Straight carpet. No flowers. My wife got hit in the face with a rose...
Like the inauguration of the Kohanim, did we cook right? Did we dress right? Did we make the right food? Did we make the right clothes?...

Mrs. Felsenblum definitely messed up the Hamentashen... You can leaven Hamentashen. That's one thing you can leaven.
The Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Is she using chickpea flaxseed husk???
Healthy Hamentashen. Again. An issue. You're consecrating the Hamentashen wrong. Dough. Use dough...
You make Mishloach Manot, you do it it right. You don't give Halloween candy... I don't care if people are dressing up like Asians. Which I find offensive. It's sacrilege. Orange candies are not allowed... 
It's not an event. It's a ritual, and there is a process to rituals. One that takes very long with our Chazin reading the Megillah. He likes to make things painful. And we are supposed to celebrate... Because we didn't die. That's reason for celebrating Bernie is that we didn't die. You're almost ninety. You should at least be able to connect with this.
Mishloach Manot is about spreading Simcha. Not Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen... 
It's not about celebrating wicker. Every hoarder in our shul has wicker. Not one person knows how to throw out wicker...

Shlomo is right. We should be Davening in shul, on time. He's annoying, but right. 
You prepare the clothes, you shower, you prepare the sacrifice. And you sacrifice the sacrifice on time. You don't give the day's sacrifice tomorrow... Because it's today's sacrifice.
On time means on time... You read Megillah on time, and you finish on time when you don't have our Chazin. The guy is so painful... Even hearing people cheer at Haman is not as painful as you annunciating every word. People would've left the Kohens' inauguration service if you were leading it... It would've taken two weeks if you were leading it. They would've left before the Kohen got dressed...

It's our new thing. Our shul is now going to be on time... After Shacharit. Nobody showed up on time today. But. We’re now starting everything on time... That means when it’s announced for, Bernie.
Sometimes we have to change traditions. We're going to start Davening on time. No more talking in the middle of Layning. It's Torah reading. Not Torah talking. We're going to give people Mishloach Manot that are enjoyable. Haman screams are going to be against Haman...
Seriously, you have to make sure that you don’t sound like you’re not rooting for Haman. "Woooh" is not a show of anger. It's a show of somebody getting drunk.
Let's consecrate Megillah reading and not cheer for Haman...

If your children are not eating the candy and Hamentashen, they're probably not learning Torah.
For children to be religious they need to have the right food. And that is food made by Paskesz... Hamentashen are fine for the Jewish child as well. Just not Mrs. Felsenblum's. We want the children to love their tradition.
Point is you have to prepare right. You need to first purchase the Paskesz. You need to practice the Megillah reading, so you can read it faster, without somebody dictating everything. Because you're getting paid to read it, when most people do it for free. You buy a suit, so you look like a Mensch... Tzachi has an excuse. He's from Israel. They wear jeans to weddings...
You prepare, you consecrate, then you serve H' with a Chazin who doesn't kill your holiday. Taking forever.

After Aharon is properly dressed, once we've prepared right, we bring the Karban Chatat, the sin offering (Shemot 29:14). First come right, dress not like Bluma, who's wearing a jean skirt, thinking it's 1986. Prepare yourself. Then you can start the service. You can start bringing sacrifices... It's a sacrifice to deal with our Chazin.
The first sacrifice is the sin offering. For all the messed-up rituals you guys do. You need atonement before celebration. Only after atonement are the other offerings appreciated... Because you guys get everything wrong. You don't prepare to celebrate by binge drinking. They didn't tailgate the Tabernacle.
Before Purim, I ask you all ask me for Mechilah. For forgiveness. With all your mess-ups... Yom Kippur. Yom KiPurim. A day like Purim. Apologize for messing up my holidays...
After all of this, we can celebrate. 

Some costumes you shouldn't wear in celebration. They're a sin. The strawberry shortcake outfit. Fred Flintstone. Extremely out of shape Shrek and Fiona...
There is no Mitzvah to dress like an idiot.

Let us consecrate Purim and our Hamentashen, and purchase the Stern's Hamentashen. Those are good. Those aren't made by Mrs. Felsenblum.
If we just had Torah rules for how Mishloach Manot should be made. Maybe I would get a young he bull. I would enjoy that...
Maybe you can use wicker to make the fire for a sin offering. I don't know. But that chair is broken. Throw it out...
Now that we have prepared and the Chazin knows to go faster, let us celebrate. Oh no. They're coming in from Kiddish Club now. Already drunk. Purim is just another day for these...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just turned Purim into Yom Kippur with a pun.
I think the rabbi doesn't fully understand the word "consecrate." Either that, or he believes in his congregants.
Main points that I caught in the sermon. The rabbi is proposing we get rid of the Chazin and Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen. They are a sin offering.

Was the rabbi suggesting we wear tunics to shul. It is clear he doesn't like the Chazin hat.
Maybe it's a Purim costume thing. It seems the rabbi is against Purim costumes. I know he’s against the Chazin hat. We definitely have to get dressed. He made that clear. Get dressed and make better Hamentashen than Mrs. Felsenblum.
I am just thinking that if it's not a suit, the rabbi would probably suggest to dress in samurai for Maariv. 

Bernie connects to nothing about Yiddishkeit. He comes to shul to not connect. He Davens to say, "I didn't feel anything." He listens to the rabbi's sermon to say, "I don't like the rabbi." He goes to Kiddish to say, "It wasn't that good." I think he's the most spiritual person in our shul.

I can’t believe the rabbi put down the sourdough. Our membership and their commitment to sourdough. They take care of it more than their children. They’re very protective of their sourdough. Avia even has a sourdough carrier sling. She wraps her sourdough in front, so she can see it.

Announcements were just Purim announcements. All other announcements were forgotten. Nobody showed up to Minyin. Sima’s Shiva house had nobody coming. Nobody even knew her mother passed. They forgot to announce that. And the Purim bake sale had no sales. Nobody knew it was happening. Shul security was happy about that. As it's always safer to have an event that people don't know about.

I have no idea what leavening Hamentashen means. I like Matzah myself. I will stick to Matzah. I can rub jelly on a triangle of Matzah too. Matzahtashen. I started making it last Pesach. Mrs. Grubmen came up with the Matzahtashen. She spends Pesach making everything out of Matzah. Turns everything into Matzah. Pizza. Pizza already sounds a bit like Matzah. I think she calls it Matzah Pizza. Then there is Matzdish. A Matzah Danish. Similar to Matzahtashen, just that it's not a triangle. Lasagntza. It's hard to say, but it tastes great. And then there's Matzah Blintzes. I believe you can take any dish, preface it with Matzah, and you have a Pesach recipe. 

I feel like people are unloading stuff on me with their Mishloach Manot.
Those flaxseed Hamentashen are messed up.

The rabbi should've never taken Shlomo's side. If people have to show up on time to services, they're not coming. More people would come to shul if the rabbi told them to come after services.
All people could talk about during Megillah reading was the rabbi and Shlomo ruining shul for them, telling them not to talk.
​
They started Megillah reading late. Again. Which the rabbi considered on time, because it was only twenty minutes late.
It’s long-standing shul tradition to be there when it doesn’t say to be there. I’ve been to events a day late, and other people showed up too.

They really do sound like they love Haman. I’ve even heard “Wooh!!!” Like they’re cheering for a team. Hate and fandom sound very similar. Our ice hockey team lost because they were rooting against the other team.

The fact we have to announce that kids will be doing unhealthy stuff on a holiday is messed up. The fact that they think there should be a candy limit. The fact that they think it's wrong for children to smoke on Purim. It shows how disconnected our congregation is from the Torah and Yiddishkeit. We're a shul full of a bunch of heretics.

We had a prePurim wicker sale. The shul felt bad throwing out the wicker. People have a very hard time figuring out what to do with wicker baskets. 
The rabbi's Psak to throw out wicker was revolutionary. Not one of our congregants has ever had any idea what to do with it. You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. You can't burn it. You can't reuse it. You can't buy used wicker. They don't even know how to resell it.
So. For Purim, everybody bought new wicker. Instead of not using wicker, they bought more baskets. Point is, we have a storage room in the shul that is full of wicker.
​The only thing wicker is good for is Kiddish.

The Haman banging techniques seminar turned into an educational intensive on how to bang a table loud enough on Rosh Chodesh to scare everybody.

Announcements
Do not worry about your homes. We want to let all Jews of our town in Kansas know that Mamdani does not have any control over the taxes in Topeka. Living here is still affordable. The rabbi wants to ensure the congregation that Mamdani cannot make decisions from New York for Topeka, Kansas Jews.
 
Deni Avdija represented Israel in the NBA All-Star Game, and now people hate Jews more.
We had a committee and meeting and discussed it. It's fine to support Israeli in the Olympics. Even if you may lose your job, you're allowed to say, "Israelis are good people."

Members don’t have to worry about showing up to shul. We took down the Rosh Chodesh sign. People will not be scaring families and banging tables in the shul this coming week.
The Gabai took down the Yaaleh vYavo sign. Such a Mechaiyah. A joy. A pleasure. Davening won’t take an hour and a half. And nobody will be singing.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Community- Mamdani and Our Shul’s Board. Israel and Our People- Why Nobody Comes to Our Congregation for Help- A Story of a Board Led by Ruchele. When A Shul Has Nobody Who Represents Their People in the Olympics or at a Board Meeting. Making Rosh Chodesh Very Painful with Our Chazin- How Such a Short Davening Can Last So Long and Other Miracles You Don’t Want to Witness.
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Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. H’ goes through everything that you can give to the Tabernacle and how to make it. Because you leave anything for translation and you guys mess it up... I saw what you gave Menachem for his Bar Mitzvah. H' doesn't want you giving Him second hand books. He doesn't need stuff you're trying to get rid of... The book cover worn. The spine had creases in it...

(Shemot 25:21) “And you shall put the Cover on the Ark from above...” Because you fools would try to put the cover on the side. Some of you would try to put it on the bottom... Because you people make no sense. Malkie put the lid on the side of the pot. What happened? Soup spilled everywhere. H’ has to remind you guys that covers are supposed to cover things... And clothes cover you when you come into shul. If somebody can please tell the Filberman cousins...
(Shemot 26:11) “And you shall bring the hooks into the loops...” Because that’s what normal people do with hooks and loops. H’ has to spell it out for you people. You hook the hooks in the loops... That's why they're called hooks, Brian...

(Shemot 26:30) “You shall erect the Mishkan according to its right way, that will be show on the mountain.” It's not supposed to be the way Marty decided the back awning should look... It looks like you're entering a circus. What's with the red and yellow?! No shul has red and yellow on their awning, unless if they're selling hotdogs...
​The Mishkan is the Tabernacle. Does that make more sense? Is Tabernacle a better English word than Mishkan??? Well. I'm confused about that too... Got to spell things out for you. Otherwise, you do it the wrong way. Like the renovations and the new four by six dance floor... Who creates a four foot by six foot dance floor? Are we going to have Bar Mitzvah parties with two people?!...
When it's not Gd, it’s not right. You start coming up with messed up definitions of stuff, like genocide. You start coming up with weird commentaries about Jews using bobsleds in the Olympics to hit Gazans... You start smacking tables instead of calmly letting people know it's Rosh Chodesh... 

Sometimes there is no room for your creativity. Because you will mess up the building. You guys can’t even figure out how to put the parts of the Sukkah together... It’s not construction. It's canvas. It's a drape.
Put it together like I am telling you. Do renovations like H’ wants. Renovations of the sanctuary. There’s a reason Yankel Baruch isn’t working the drill for the new Mechitzah... Good question. I don’t believe H’ ordered people from Central America to build the Tabernacle. Though Phil has some amazing people on his staff...

You make no sense. That's why we have commandments.
Just follow H’s way and it will work out right. It will be “one.” It won't fall apart like the Lefkowitz wedding cake. Or their wedding for that matter.
The Mishkan comes together as one. Not like this shul. And I understand why nobody can stand Rob... Because H’ did not say the Tabernacle needs a bride’s room. We haven’t had a wedding here in five years...
Do things the right way. 

Mamdani also makes no sense...
Mamdani doesn't control the world. I understand he said he'll arrest Bibi... Who's going to arrest Bibi if there are no police in New York.
Mamdani is good for the Jewish people. We will finally witness the Geula and Jews moving back to Israel...
Some Jews might move here, to Topeka... I'm worried our people will be more scared of Bernie and Fran than Mamdani. You people are very scary. And then the Rosh Chodesh table whacking. Calm down. H' didn't say to frighten people. He said to pray. I said Yaaleh vYavo and had an anxiety attack... I have no idea how that tradition started. Somebody must've been mad Davening was taking too long, and then they slammed a table. Now our congregation thinks it's a law to scare everybody...

We must stick up for our athletes. That's the right thing to do. Stick up for Israel and our athletes... Not one person in this shul is athletic. Which is why I don’t support you.
Am I supposed to support you sitting on a Cybex machine??? Just sitting there.
Stick up for them. In the Olympics. They're our people. No need to get into it like Mushka. Just support them. No need to scream, "Jews. There are Jews on the screen!!! Jews in the Olympics!!!" Calm down. Some Jews are athletes too. Some Jews are in shape. You don't see them in our shul. But there are Jews who are healthy...
They're our people. Let it be known. Israelis are good people. The Israeli army is moral. Be proud. Our people are good, and our shul does not represent them...

The Rosh Chodesh sign is very scary. I understand. I see it and I get anxiety attacks. Don’t worry. It’s down. You can show to shul again. It won’t take an hour and a half for Wednesday morning Davening... It takes an hour and a half when you Daven alone, because you keep forgetting to say Yaaleh vYavo. That's on you. You can't blame the Chazin for you having to repeat Shemonah Esrei five times. You can’t focus for three minutes? What goes on in your mind during the Amidah?... We can send Michel Baruch to bang on a table and scare you into saying Yaaleh vYavo. Ever since I heard an angry Michel Baruch table slap, I have not forgotten to say Yaaleh vYavo. In fear he might whack the table harder... We've lost tables in shul to Michel's whacking...
H' did not say to break tables at shul on Rosh Chodesh. That's not one of the commandments....
So scary hearing them bang. Why the banging. We have the sign. What’s the point in the sign… And then you forget anyways. With the sign…
And then he sings it. Everybody hates you. I understand you’re the Chazin but people hate coming to shul because of you… That's the real reason people bang. People are banging because they’re mad you’re singing. You and the front right of the shul. That's why people stay away from you all in the front right. You're instigators. You egg on the Chazin and his singing. And you have bad harmony... H' never said to harmonize.

​H's way is the right way. It makes sense. You throw out everything for Pesach. And you use plastic. Plastic dishes. A lot of plastic on Pesach... Because it makes sense.
Just follow how H' says to do it...
Maybe we need brides before there is a bride's room. Maybe first Pinny should meet somebody....
H' says to say Yaaleh vYavo. Do it the first time and I will submit a proposal to the board that Michel Baruch stops breaking things in shul.
And do renovations properly, without our members... Our members should try to get in better shape... Stop being creative and things will be decent around here. Maybe people will build properly and stop trying to figure out how to fit loops into loops. It's not a shul. This place is a brain teaser...
At least we won't be walking into Shloimi and Yaelis Four Loop Circus... That's what it looks like when you enter the shul with that awning... H' wants gold plated metal looking letters on fronts of buildings. That's why every Yeshiva has it...

Worst gifts. Never get a gift from our membership.
And cover yourselves. You put a shirt on the top of your body. A sports jacket over the shirt... That's what H' wants in shul... TABERNACLE.

Rivka's Rundown
You need to spell things out for our congregants. Like the word “Tabernacle.” Our rabbi had to spell that out countless times during the sermon.
Nobody could wrap their head around Tabernacle being an English word, because the word wasn’t “building.” If Mishkan was the English word, I'd understand my language better.

Truly the worst gifts. For our anniversary we got second hand Tupperware.

I must agree with the rabbi. Canvas is not construction. It's curtain placement. Yet, our congregants want to say it's building because that's the extent to which they have ever built anything. They've suggested the shul pays people to build stuff. Other than messed up ideas for renovations, they are useless.
The rabbi gave in. He felt bad. Canvas Sukkahs is the only handy thing these guys do around the house. They put up a Sukkah and they take pride in that. And they hire a guy to come and unclog a kitchen sink. Not one member in our shul can figure that out.

All people can talk about is Mamdani. 
People are worried about Mamdani. One guy sold his home and moved out of Topeka because he's afraid of communism in New York. Worried he'll get taxed by Mamdani if New Yorkers refuse to pay the five billion dollars he wants them to pay for LGBTQ afternoon coffee get-togethers for religious children. 
I’m worried too. It feels like a lot of Jew hatred. I think I heard him say, “Jews have no rights anywhere.” And then he said, "I can make those decisions. And I'm going to tax the Jews." I think Mamdani said he controls Israel too.
That guy has guts. Who says they run the world, and yet have no power to do it?! That takes guts.

Our members get very violent around Rosh CHodesh. The Yaaleh vYAvo bang is scary as anything. It feels like a fight with the table. 
Michel Baruch put on an exhibition of Yaaleh vYavo table breaking. Now the shul lost all the tables that came in with the new renovation. That's ten thousand dollars lost. It looks like a hate crime was committed on our shul.
Due to the rise in antisemitism, Michel has been asked by parents to teach his form of karate. Which is now known as Ryu-Chodesh. Many children in our shul have signed up for Ryu-Chodesh Dojo. One or two of our new members from South America refused to show up, as dojo sounded to much like DOJ. So, Michel Baruch now just calls it a Ryu-Chodesh practice room.
As part of the Kata, upon striking with the Kiai breath they shout "Yaaleh vYavo." One kid struck a member of our shul when he noticed the person did not say Yaaleh vYavo. The child was reprimanded, as Rosh Chodesh had passed.

And then these idiots sing. I want to hurt them. There is nothing happy about Rosh Chodesh at our shul. One fool requested we do a musical Rosh Chodesh. I calculated the addition of instruments at an extra forty-five minutes. That's two hours and fifteen minutes with the Chazin.
The rabbi is right. The banging is because of the singing. It feels good to get out your anger at the Chazin. That's why I bang. I bang at Shabbat Musaf when the Chazin sings during the Kedusha prayer as well. And then I shout at the members in the front right of the shul. They start with their harmonizing, I yell at them. The only issue is I've been complimented on my harmony. It turns out my yelling sounds better than their singing. It's a bit of a compliment. I didn't know my yells sounds so good. I've been yelling at people for a while now. I think it just feeds my ego as a want to be deva. 
I also appreciate the rabbi's explanation of the secondary reason for why the banging is done in such a scary way. It's because otherwise people will be like Tzvi and forget to say Yaaleh vYavo. They whack the table, you live through it, you remember to praise Gd. 

The rabbi brought up Jews in the Olympics. That excites our congregants almost as much as seeing a Yarmulke on a TV show.
​There is not one athlete in our shul. The board took a vote, and they decided that posting your aerobics workout online does not make somebody an athlete. And they agree with the rabbi that it's Asur to post workouts, as it's forbidden to bring pain on other people.

The greater community is shaming us for supporting Jewish and Israeli athletes. They are claiming that Israel competing in the Olympics is an act of genocide. I am just happy judo is not part of the winter games. I don't know how we would justify that.
I will not stop supporting our athletes. I'm with the rabbi. "Just don't support our membership."

Announcements
We're having an enhanced Kiddish for love this week. It will include strawberries. That’s the enhancement. 
Malkie loves strawberries. She said they are tantamount to love, because she loves them. Please address Malkie with any questions about why there is no mango or passion fruit. Or dragon fruit for that matter.
 
Mark Sandwich Night will be this Thursday. It’s an art. The way he cuts. Stacks. It’s a sight to see. He folds the bread too. Spreads mayonnaise. The sisterhood will be cooking brisket and kugels and ensuring all is set up. Mark will be placing the food on the bread. And thus, we call it Mark Sandwich Night, and we do not mention the sisterhood.
 
We're starting to try to draw more old couples. We want more elderly in our shul. The board has decided against youth. We want an elderly shul. We are starting an old couples club.
We have noticed that we have a lot of young couples now in the shul, and for some reason, we are now broke.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Enhanced Kiddishes Never Fill You Up- How Our Board Lets You Down- A Study in Strawberries. How to Take Credit for What Other People Do- A Study in Mark Sandwich night. Why Have Young Couples When You Have Our Shul- A Shul with No Hope.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s about love. And Pinny doesn't have anybody who loves him…
(Shemot 22:27) “Do not curse Gd, and do not curse a leader of your people.” Cursing is wrong. You’re cursing right now Bernie...
Can we stop with the Klalot. So much cursing. You’re cursing right now under your breath. We see it, Sadie. Everybody hates Malka Chaya. We get it. But you have to stop cursing... Help her buy a new hat that’s less annoying... It’s huge Malka. What the ----....
You curse everybody. You've got to calm down with the cursing under your breath. And we hear it too. How we hear what you are not saying. You're yelling your murmurs...

We know H’. Of course, you can’t curse or blaspheme H’. But you also can’t curse a leader... Did Gd cut you off on the highway?! No. It was that piece of...
An actual commandment. Don't curse your leaders. You also can’t curse your rabbi... Well, you should go to... I'm a leader... Who is standing up here at the Bima, talking to a bunch of heretics? Exactly.
You’re not leaders. You can be cursed. If Sadie deems it, she can curse you... Pouring drinks at the Kiddish club does not make you a Nassi.

It’s about love and appreciation. You show appreciation by not cursing... I don't think I can expect much more from this congregation. Not cursing is a step in the right. What the... Did that child just run between me and the lectern. What the...

(Shemot 23:5) “When you see the donkey of the one you hate crouching under its load, would you stop from helping him?” I know Baruch would. We know you wouldn't help. You didn’t even help when the Babka fell last week. You just watched them picking it up while you ate the Danish...
“You must surely help with him.” Help. An idea. A concept. Something the Kiddish Club has never done... You can help with a hedgehog too... A hamster as well...
You notice how it says “with him.” You do things together. You help your enemy with him. You make love... You help. You make peace. You make love. Unlike Mark who never helps around the house. Or Pinny who hasn't been in a relationship in eight years... I know about Mark. We do couples counseling. 
Hey! I fulfil the Mitzvahs. I helped lift Shlomo when he got drunk and fell before Musaf...

You don’t help and that is why there is hatred. That’s why you all curse each other.
If Malka Chaya’s hat falls, I understand. Don’t help. Stomp on that huge purple thing. It’s like you’re wearing Barnie on your head...

We have to help our congregation. Do things together that are helpful. Like getting rid of congregants...

Cut the strawberries together. Help...
I have no idea what an enhanced Kiddish is. It’s always the same as the other Kiddishes. A very misleading word... The Kiddish is enhanced with love. That's what it is.
Strawberries are love... You don’t give your loved one dried figs. Figs are not romantic... Dragon fruit shows more love than passion fruit. You open a passion fruit, it looks disgusting. Like Harold with his clothes off... Harold is the reason the shul stopped going to the beach years ago.
Honestly. We have to stop calling these things enhanced Kiddishes. It's a Mekach Taot. A faulty sale. Ruben would've never come to shul if he didn't think the Kiddish was enhanced.
It's like telling your enemy you're going to help and then not. You say it's going to be a great Kiddish. But then, strawberries. That's it. Not even an extra Kugel...
Maybe the strawberries will help Mark and Pinny find love again. Something they haven't had. Maybe Mark will give his wife a strawberry and they will make up. And I won't have to hear about him being a lazy piece of... We get it Jaclyn. We all know he is.

Mark. I respect your sandwich making ability. It brings the sisterhood together to make your sandwiches...
You have a love of sandwiches. If you loved your wife like your pastrami.
If you helped around the house. Maybe cooked with her, instead of spreading mayonnaise like you're a chef... Then, maybe your wife would stop cursing you... I know. I do couples therapy with them.
The guy spreads stuff like that's helpful. He spreads out all of his stuff on the counter and leaves. You help. You clean up together... You're not a chef. What kind of a chef can't cook. You're a lunch packer...

We are trying to not draw youth. We are having an Old Couples Club. I love it.
We need old people... You're saying we don't need old people because you took all their money. Now you don’t care about them. And you don't even visit... I know they can move. But they're old. You visit old people. You help lift donkeys and you visit old people. That's the Torah on one food... 
No old people should be standing on one foot. They will fall...
No. I don't want to see youth. They throw their lollipops all over the floor. They cry when they pull your hair. Not one of them can do Hagba.
No youth groups. It's an old group...

Respect old people. They curse you out, because they're old. You have to respect them... They’re in the old age home. They donated the shul... You’re not their child. You never were getting their money. Visit.
The youthful shul idea is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. “We want congregants that don’t pay dues.”
This is why we have hatred. Young people don't help. And you're serving strawberries instead of enhancing the Kiddish...

Other things that cause hatred. Judges that don't do their job. (Shemot 23:1-2)
Wrong judgement also causes lack of love. And we judged young people as being helpful.
It all comes back to not cursing and not causing curses, like Bernie and the back left... When you get a messed-up decision from a judge, you curse. Whenever the board decides on something dumb, like enhanced Kiddishes, you curse... Because you expected it will be enhanced...
“You must not follow the majority to do evil...” The majority would not help the one that is their enemy. And I know this because Fran and Bernie will help nobody in the shul, and they hate everybody.
No love... Basically. Do not follow anybody in our congregation and you will be doing the right thing...
(Shemot 23:3) Even siding with poor people is wrong. It causes lack of love. You judge everybody the same. And that is why I say this whole shul is messed up. You should all go to...

If we had normal people that would help... Anything would help more than Mark and his scooping out of a bagel, like he's working a delicacy... The poor people at least help with cleanup.
And no cursing the rabbi. You pieces of...
Helping and doing together makes for love. Let us all get Malka Chaya a new hat. Let's get a committee that knows how to enhance a Kiddish. And let us get more old people... Old people are allowed to curse. That's what they do...
You don't curse out the guy you hate while helping with his donkey... 

I'm changing the name of our shul to The Shul With No Hope. Beit Knesset LLo Tikvah. Where the members are a bunch of donkey pieces of... May we all praise H' together...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly got into the cursing. I counted eighteen curses coming out of his mouth during the sermon. I believe he was trying to get across the lesson that a leader can curse at his constituents, and that the congregation is full of a bunch of pieces of...

The rabbi fought back and cursed Bernie and the back left of the shul, because they’re not leaders. They think they're leaders. They do run the Kiddish club.
I think the rabbi was calling Shlomo a donkey and the Kiddish club people he hates.

Sadie has very loud under breath. We hear it.
The whole shul curses eachother. Middle of the Amidah, the silent prayer, they're moving their lips. I will put my money on it that the members of our shul are not praying. They're cursing the other congregants out, under their breath. This is what I heard Sadie saying during the Amidah, "And to the heretics, like Michael Shlomo... And may H' wipe out our enemies and Malka's hat. That piece of... The one who hears my prayers to never have to see Mark and his wife again..."

Malka Chaya’s hats get everybody mad. Eight-inch brims. She passes you and she hits you. For the Amidah, when she takes the three steps back and bows from side to side, the whole section gets whacked by her hat.

They have to stop with this enhanced Kiddish. They bring up our hopes. And then they never have enough Danish. People hear enhanced and they all show up. Huge numbers. Huge crowds show up and the don't even get a Kichel.
It's an enhanced number of people. That's what they enhance at these Kiddishes. People. They haven't figured out how to enhance the food. Maybe next time they'll throw glitter on the Tzimis.

I can't believe the rabbi called Mark a lunch packer. That's not nice. It's got to be a curse. It's got to be. I think the rabbi was out of line. Never call somebody a lunch packer.
Mark’s sandwich hand movement. Amazing. It's a talent. As he spreads the Thousand Island, he opens his hands like he's presenting it. Brilliance. It's a presentation with his hands. The laying out of the vegetables. It’s a true art.
Mark doesn't cook. But that's not his thing. His wife and the sisterhood fry the eggplants. He places them on bread. His specialty is placement. That’s his focus. Placing the vegetable. Not cutting it. The sisterhood cuts them. Mark doesn’t put his hands in harm’s way. And that's why he's the star.
The sisterhood should get some credit, for the kitchen prep, the cooking, the cleanup, the shopping. Mark didn't help with that. It was like they did it together with him, but he did it alone.
He takes credit. That's what Mark Sandwich Night is. A night for Mark to not give credit to the sisterhood.
Truth is, nobody in the sisterhood can lay out an eggplant and onion like Mark.

The youth of our shul are selfish and not one of them can do Hagba. The rabbi is not happy about that. And the young couples only care about themselves. At least old people care. It's the old people that scream at the kid.
These young couples can care less about their elderly. These young idiots think the shul just got here. The old people built it, pay for it, and watch the young couples and their kids ruin it. 
The rabbi is now fighting with the youth director who insists that there needs to be more posters on the wall. As part of renovations, the youth director feels it's important to bring down the value of the shul.

At least old coupes give something to the shul. They help. I have never heard, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Miriam and Alex who just had a baby." No. It's, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Linda and Harry on the birth of their new grandson." And what's amazing is old people have never said, "That's an enhanced Kiddish." You know why? Because it makes no sense. Kids hear enhanced and they get all excited. 
Old couples makes all the sense. You don't have to deal with the kids running around. You don't see the kids, but you celebrate all of their Simchas.
Youth kill congregations. I have never heard youth say, “Let me help and pick up the lollipop I threw on the carpet.” I'm with the rabbi on this new Old Movement. An Elderly Movement, I love it. I'm changing Beitar right now. Elderly Zionists. 
The Old People Youth Movement Shabbatons in the shul will consist of one program and then sleep. It's much easier than these youth conventions. I put in my resume to be the Old People Director.

In the end, nobody joined the old couples club. Not even the old people. The eighty-year-olds in our shul are insisting they're youth. I believe they said, "We're youthful." Which sounds quite amusing coming from Fran, who ran out of breath and stopped three times to finish that sentence. 
Youthful? I think they're just trying to get out of having to donate anything to the shul. They see the youth giving nothing and they want to give that.
I’m still pushing for more old people and less enhanced Kiddishes. Where, for some reason, they have more food.