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Announcements
Simcha candy fighting violence must stop. We are asking parents to stop their children from tackling younger kids. We ask that children be educated with the lesson that violence for a Sunkist fruit jelly is not what H’ wants. We also ask parents to not encourage their children to body slam other children who also like sweets. MMA education should not be brought to the Bima during Bar Mitzvah candy throwing. Felsenblum is looking for a car. Please sell him one. We’re all sick of hearing him talk about needing a car. We are going to start a weekly communal sway on Friday nights. We will sing Shalom Aleichem to arms on shoulders. We believe it will help with more crying during Davening. Upcoming Classes: How to Open an Aron and Cover a Torah Not Like A Yutz So That People Don’t Have to Wait Five Minutes. How to Not Get Violent When There is a Simcha Even if There is Food. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:21) ‘Every man whose heart inspire him came, and all whose spirit motivated him brought a portion to H’ for the work of the Tent of Meeting, and for all it’s labor and for the sacred garments.’ Inspired to give. To volunteer. Not our congregation. Our congregants don't help. They're inspired to do anything they can to not be useful... You've never helped anybody open a prefab table, Bernie... The first part of the Pasuk, VaYavohu ‘And they came,’ 'Every man whose heart inspired him came,' speaks of those who came to do the work of sewing and building, etc... Accountants were not useful Brian. Ramban teaches that they were ‘inspired’ as they did not learn craftsmanship in Egypt. This is not an excuse for the lack of talent and expertise in our congregation... You were not slaves in Topeka. There were the ones who spirit motivated them. According to Or HaChaim, they were not on the same level as those whose heart inspired them, as the heart inspired came from such a great desire. Kind of like the way the community quilt was put together by very untalented people of our membership. It’s just that H’ did not inspire them. It just goes to show how bad art can be when H' doesn't inspire you... You were inspired to mess it up. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah were people who did not have any decent craftsmanship or taste. No artistic abilities.... Betzalel was inspired by H'. The spirit of putting together a decent quilt was in him. What motivates you? What inspires you?... People ran from shul so they wouldn’t have to fast because of a guy who can’t carry a Torah. Not fasting inspires you... My desire is to not have to see congregants. Last week, people had to wait for the guy to figure out how to open the Aron... The guy couldn't figure out where the ark's string was... And now you get the Parochet cover stuck on the thing... 5 people are helping him figure out how to pull a cloth over a handle. This is why everybody ran from shul. The patheticness... What inspired them was not having to fast. We're inspired for different reasons, but we are inspired as a community. The swaying arm around the shoulders with Etz Chaim Hee had us all praying for a better day. A day in which some of our congregants would know how to treat a Torah... Inspire yourself to learn a little... I was part of the circle of love. I needed it. I'll admit it. I've been working with this very untalanted congregation for a very long time. A little swaying can touch the heart. Bring a little inspiration... Sometimes you need another man to touch your shoulders. To put your arms around his shoulders and sway... You were weeping. He touched your shoulder and you said, 'I haven't been touched in...' Moishie. Your desire is for candy... Your child tackled the other kids... Stop. You were involved. You put it in your Tallis bag... You had him load up your Tallis bag.... Other kids were crying. You yelled, ‘He has more candy. Take it’... Your kids are you hit men. Little uninspired Sunkist fruit gem mafia... You get violent at Kiddish too. The violence in our congregation has to stop... You taught your child MMA so he can get more fruit gems... I'm inspired to get Felsenblum a car... If anybody has a car, just give it to the guy. Nobody wants to hear about this car thing anymore. We understand buying a car is hassle. We've all got ripped off... Ever went for an oil change? They take your money... No. Mechanics are Rashas. All mechanics are Rashas. They're evil sinners. I never went to one and didn’t want to shoot somebody... Seeing the community quilt, I'm inspired. It helps me connect with our history. I see the quilt and I feel like a slave. A slave to bad art... Maybe we are still slaves just trying to get out of Egypt. As we learn on Pesach, 'Every generation we are obligated to see ourselves as if we left Egypt.' If I ever get a better job. If I ever get out of this shul... Rivka's Rundown Nobody helps with prefab tables. Our membership thinks they open themselves. Ever tried flipping one over by itself? You can kill your hands on the metal. I'm just happy we've got some of the new plastic prefabs. There has been less shul injury since. I think the rabbi said it when he said, ‘Inspired to give. To volunteer. not our congregation.’ That was the message. Nobody helps. The community quilt is quite ugly. It truly represents our community and lack of care for people with illness. I wouldn't say they were helping anybdy when they made it. It was a general illness quilt. Nobody could think about any individual they cared about, so they made a quilt and left it in the shul, for illness. Like a Mishebeyrach prayer that people should be sick It’s pathetic watching them work on the Torah. It's so not smooth. The men in our shul carrying the Torah is a nightmare. The guy couldn’t find the string to open the ark again. And then they ask him to hold the Torah. I run out now every week. I don't trust these people can hold the Torah right. The rabbi was truly touched by the Etz Chaim Hee swaying the other day. After the guy figured out how to open the ark, a sway of brotherly love began in the men's section. There is something about standing next to somebody and putting your arms on their shoulders or waist and swaying back and forth. It brings you together. It even melted the heart of our rabbi. People have been showing up for the swaying. People need the touch. They come in for Etz Chaim Hee and leave. I think the shul might be able to pick up membership if we focus on swaying more. Then we were swaying on the women’s side. There is something about the arm over shoulder connection. I think we all needed the Jewish love. I wanted to do Havdalah all week, just for the sway. People at work aren't open to swaying. I think if they sung Havdalah, they would be into it. The dad literally opened his Tallis bag, told his kids to put in the fruit jellies, and sent them back out, pointing at a tiny preschooler. He said, ‘Grab the candies from that one, and smack him. He's small.’ There is a lot of violence when it comes to Simchas. I think it’s built-up frustration amongst our day-schoolers. Even the way they whip the candy bags at the Chatan or Bar Mitzvah. With that much anger, even fruit gems can hurt. The rabbi gave a Psak this week that it's Asur (forbidden) to be a mechanic, because they steal from people. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tisa3/3/2024
Announcements
The new whiskey at Kiddish doesn't taste disgusting. We want to thank the Berkman family for bringing a whiskey that doesn’t make you want to puke. It’s a pleasure to drink alcohol that doesn't taste extremely bad. Rule: The rabbi has decided that only people strong enough to hold a Torah can hold a Torah. In addition, somebody who has no idea what to do with a Torah is not allowed to hold it. People are having heart attacks, thinking these people will drop the Torah and they’ll have to fast. No more Torah honors for people who come to shul once a year. It turns out they can't figure out how to open a curtain. No being louder than the Chazin. The congregation needs to know who to follow during Davening. We understand many people like to show off when they’re finishing the Shema. It’s just confusing. Classes This Week: How to Hold a Torah so People Don’t Have Heart Attacks. How to Drink Whiskey without Sounding Like an Idiot. How to Allow the Leader to Lead by Not Being Louder Than Him. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Chazin thought it was Revi’i... There are a lot of Psukim in the beginning of the Parsha there. I thought he was reading the Haftorah already. It was only Sheini... Two hundred Psukim... Then read faster. I’m falling asleep. Thought it was VaYakhel already... They stuffed two hundred Psukim in the beginning there because they don’t want the Yisraelim to feel bad about being involved in the golden calf. I felt bad having to hear the Ba'al Koreh reading the Torah for thirty minutes. And that was before Sheini. Almost as bad as the new bourbon they brought last week. You guys feel bad about nothing... You should feel bad about how annoying you are as congregants... Betzalel and Ahaliav didn’t build the golden calf. They were better builders than that... The Yisraelim get the third Aliyahs and on. Pay attention. You've been coming to shul since you were... Don’t ask me why Aharon made the calf... He didn't build it. But he did. But he didn't. He really didn't... But he did. (Shemot 32:4) The calf is fashioned and Aharon tells the nation ‘These are your gods...’ But he didn't tell them this is their lord. But he did... Rashi teaches that it does not say ‘our Gd.’ It’s yours. 'Your gods.' The Eruv Rav, mixed multitudes, got them to believe in this kind of god. Kind of like the board got you to think that honoring everybody with Hagbah is a good idea.... The guy almost dropped the Torah. And then redoing the sanctuary... Redoing the sanctuary is not a good idea. Rebecca is going to be doing it... Exactly. Bad idea. When she gets involved... I have no idea what 'mixed multitudes' means. It's the English translation. That's why we use it. I can tell you who the Eruv Rav is. But that's not English... It’s the gods that you make. And in our shul, it seems to be really ugly ones that are worshiped with bad alcohol. (32:22-24) Aharon justified it for the nation. You have no justification for the poor craftsmanship on the art in your kitchen. The back backsplash is pathetic. It's bathroom tile... I don’t know how Aharon justifies ‘I threw it in to the fire and this calf came out’... I think Moshe bought it. You should throw the backsplash in a fire. He blames it on the Eriv Rav (Rashi). He was hoping it would come out of the fire shapeless, and the sorcerers made a calf. A bunch of artists. Post-modern style. If he wanted shapeless art, he would've asked the youth of our congregation. The day school art fair is horrendous. Shapeless stuff. Ever seen the papier-mache? A bunch of shapeless idol worshipers... Your idols are what you focus on, and you focus on bad whiskey. You don’t even like the whiskey. It’s a Walkman... Walkmans are things people used to listen to music on. This is a Johnnie Walker takeoff... It’s a mutt and they didn’t even try to make it sound Irish... You like it because it didn’t make you puke. That’s it. It didn’t taste good... The Torah must be taken seriously. The Jews forgot how easily H' and the Torah can be taken for granted... The guy almost dropped the Torah... He's not Moshe. He doesn't pay dues. He wasn't mad the Jews were worshiping a Golden Calf. Holding a Torah is an honor?! The guy never shows up to shul. He has no idea how to hold the thing. Took it from the Parochet. He took it by the cloth... You can't hold anything like that. But he still took it like that. Like the Torah floats in a cloth... It's not a ghost. This isn't the Aron. Did he ever have a kid... Must’ve dropped her a lot.... I almost had a heart attack watching him. That’s why I wasn’t around when they returned it. I didn’t want to fast... The greatest worry in my life is having to diet. Pikuach Nefesh. I had to save my life. The Eruv Rav of Torah honors... You should've known. Last week, he couldn't even figure out how to get the Torah cover back on the thing. He was the worst Galilah. The bottom was caught on the top part of the wood for five minutes. Three people came to his aid... All they did was move the cloth over the wood plates. That's all it took... Nobody looks up to your Davening Shlomo. You took over the Davening. Nobody even knows you... You came to our shul and just took over... You were louder than the Chazin. It made no sense. Nobody knew who was leading. They even waited for you to finish the Shema... I’m the rabbi. That’s my one Kavod... I think you were drunk. I truly want to smack you when you’re drinking. The way you talk like you know what’s going on. Very annoying. 'The Walkmans whiskey has a very fine metal taste...' Metal barrels... The Eruv Rav drinks Evan Williams. (Shemot 32:11-13) Moshe has to pray on our behalf. He has to bring in Egypt and our forefathers. He has to bring up H' looking like he took us out of Egypt to punish the Jewish people and that looking bad to the non-Jewish nations. For this congregation, I would let it be. H' wants to destroy it. It's fine. I think the other people in Topeka would understand why H' destroyed our congregation... Who is the Eruv Rav?I It's not the rabbi who checks the Eruv before Shabbis. It's the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi actually said, 'Damn this Parsha is long.' Most of the congregants are still trying to figure out what the mixed multitudes are. We do have a very diverse congregation. The Torah reader, Baal Koreh, does read slow. We need a speed guy for these long Parshas. A guy that skips Psukim would be perfect. And then to have a Bar Mitzvah boy. This is pain. The rabbi was so mad, he skipped mentioning the Bar Mitzvah boy in his sermon. They didn't even mention the kid in the announcements. Why they let the Bar Mitzvah boy do an Aliyah, I think the Gabai is trying to start fights. He even asked one of the congregants that thinks he's a Chazin to lead the Musaf service. That was an extra twenty minutes right there. Any time a whiskey doesn’t taste disgusting, people are saying ‘Pshhh. That’s good.’ And then they get involved in discussions about how smokey the thing is. A bunch of pretentious fools, they think whiskey is made in fire. The Torah carrying was messed up. Get people who know how to carry it. It shouldn't be hard. It has handles. And yet, this guy still takes it by the cloth. Then to see the 4'3" Bar Mitzvah boy. The Torah is bigger than the kid. I think I suffered 12 heart attacks. Each step the boy took to the Bima, I had another heart attack. It's the thought of having to fast. That kills me. I believe this was the first time the whole congregation identified with the rabbi. The greatest worry in a Jew's life is not being able to eat. Dropping the Torah is another issue, not as bothersome to our membership as fasting. Our Gabai is truly picking the wrong people. Even the guy opening the ark can't figure out what's going on. He couldn't find the string to pull. He was trying to move the curtain from the top of it. The guy was jumping up to move it. I have no idea how these people get into a shower. I think the Gabai just likes seeing inept people work. That's why he joined the board last year. The Gabai should've know the guy would have no idea how to open the curtain, he had on the Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke. Anytime somebody is wearing the Kippah they give out at the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you know they have no idea what's going on in shul. He even had the Tallis thrown over his shoulders like a shawl. The art done by the kids in our shul is horrendous. And they still hang it in the shul. There should be a sign 'this is how art looks when you don't practice.' At least make a lesson out of it. And then Rebecca, she is so bad. She still thinks papier-mache looks good. Sixty years old and she thinks papier-mache looks decent. We have a papier-mache lion to the left of the ark. It looks like a pathetic Mardi Gras float that got stuck in front of the shul. And that is why idol worship is forbidden. This new Shlomo loud guy is running the shul now. If you're loud you run things. The Chazin is second fiddle to this guy. He's singing songs and the congregation is with him. The Chazin tried going on, and he looked pathetic. Almost as bad as the art at our shul. The Chazin just stopped. He gave up. He even walked over and gave Shlomo the Chazin Siddur. The big Siddur was in loud guy’s hands. He wasn’t even Ashkenazi. He was leading our Ashkenz shul from his seat in the fourth row, with a different Nusach. And everybody followed. The Chazin couldn’t compete. I think one guy screamed at the Chazin, ‘Get out of there. This guy is our leader.’ I’m happy the rabbi went off on Shlomo. He truly hijacked our shul. We would've been a Sefardic synagogue by Mincha if it wasn't for our rabbi. I'm not going to lie, I can't stand people who come to a shul and run stuff without knowing anything. Even the Kaddish guys that show up for the first time without knowing the shul's pace, and then they run it. Very bothersome. The rabbi should go off on mourners for being disgusting people more. I think the rabbi’s classes are truly there to just tell the community how annoying they are. The classes were perfect this week. The whiskey drinkers truly are annoying. ‘This is good. It doesn’t taste like ----.’ The class had a sequel ‘How to Not Sound Like a Pretentious ---- When Drinking a Cup of Wine.’ The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Tetzaveh2/25/2024
Announcements
We know our congregants like to complain. We just ask that the complaints make sense and follow a logical flow. You can’t tell a Baal Tefillah that they’re leading too fast, and then to tell them they’re leading too slow. No more tie-dye. We want to commend Mark on his new suit. It’s an Angeleno. He has been showing it to everybody at Kiddish. We ask our congregants stop buying husky suits. They look portly. We have a very portly congregation. We believe that if people buy athletic suits, they’ll look more athletic. They'll still be portly, but athletic. Athletic portly is what we're looking for in our congregants. Upcoming Class: How Not to Look Like an Idiot in Shul. The Gabai of our shul is bad. We know it. We apologize. We have no idea of how to get rid of him. It seems to be shul tradition to have a really bad Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 28:12) The stones with the names of the tribes on them were to be put on the Efod. ‘Aharon shall carry their names before H’ on both his shoulders for a remembrance.’ He did not carry them in his hands. He didn't do a juggling act with the stones... Then how would he do the service? He needed his hands... You don’t need your hands, because you don’t help. You don’t remember to help. And you can’t even do farmers carries with eight pounds... To remember. Wherever Aharon went in the Temple, he reminded H’ of us... You can’t even remember when the time of Minyin is. Your wife should walk around with ‘go to shul’ on her shoulders... Then you might show on time, Walter... For Aharon to remember as well. Though he couldn't see it... We have to constantly be reminded. At least Fran. You have to constantly remind her to take the choolante out of the oven... You burn it every week Fran. (28:29) The Urim and Tumim went into the breastplate... ‘Aharon shall carry the judgment of Bnei Yisrael on his heart. before H’, always.’ It was there, where judgment was to be decided, where the names of the tribes were also present as a remembrance... Justice needs to be near the heart. Compassion. If it wasn’t for the judge remembering Shloimy from racquetball, he would've gotten the parking ticket... (Sforno) Having the names of the tribes on his heart inspired the Kohen Gadol to pray for the nation. I have never been inspired to pray for the congregants of this shul. And we have a list of all the members who haven't paid their dues... Our Chazin is a letdown... You wouldn’t even know who you’re praying for. You forget... You have to be reminded. Constantly... Then write the names on your heart... Our Gabai is a letdown. Our Kohanim don’t even remember how to Duchin... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... Got to remind these guys. They space out. If you all wrote stuff down... Rashi (28:12) ‘That H’ should see the tribes written before Him, and He should remember their righteousness.’ If it was our congregation, H’ would remember your annoyingness, and... You just want to complain... You told him he was Davening too fast. Then told him he is Davening too slow... What’s a Chazin supposed to do?! New rule. Nobody can share their opinions. Everybody has one, and it’s a complaint... I tell the Chazin he is bad. I tell the Baal Tefilah that he shouldn't be leading because he is messed up. That is OK... I am not complaining. I am making the shul a place that children will want to remember and visit when they're older... A shul without this Chazin, Gabai and board... Complaining is not a reminder. Constant reminders are important. Constant reminders how to dress is also important. You look like idiots. Tie-dye has to stop. Or I am out of here... I can’t have congregants who don't even wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis... Saying ‘It’s a’ does not make it a good suit... What’s an 'Angeleno'?! Angeleno is the name of the company. It's not classy just because you stressed the last name of the company... Shimon is not husky. It’s the suit. If he bought an athletic suit, he would look athletic. The guys in our shul will never be in shape. We accept that. We just ask that they try to keep their suits in shape... It just looks better... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... No. You really are a bad Gabai... The fights between Mariv in Shmuel are because you don’t know how to give Kibudim. Your honor giving ability is off... And you shouldn’t be calling yourself... It’s not a fair amount to ask Yochanan once a month and Felvel twice a day. And yourself before them... You don't even end up asking them... Because you say yes to yourself... You’re a bad Gabai. Almost as bad as the board. Maybe if you remembered their names... That's why the wrong person comes up... So. You call up yourself because you can't remember their names?! Write it down... We have to be reminded daily. Every second the Gabai has to be reminded to be a not annoying person. We have to be reminded to be good Jews constantly... You should wear Tzitzis. Heretics in this place... You even forgot to say Tehillim for Israel. Who forgets... Rivka's Rundown You have to remind everybody in this congregation about everything. They're oblivious to anything that is not them getting an Aliyah. Eighty percent of our congregants forgot there was a war in Israel. Some of the people aren't even posting on social media anymore. But they get up there and get an Aliyah, and it's a half hour of them rattling off every name of every cousin that didn't move to Israel, for the Mishebeyrach. I think their Aliyah to the Torah is holier than people who moved to Israel. It's a messed up understanding of Aliyah. Due to the rabbi's sermon, many congregants thought it was a good idea to get tattoos. Once the rabbi let them know that it's Asur to get tattoos and you can't see tattoos that are on your back, the Gabai decided it wasn't necessary to tattoo the list of potential Aliyahs. They told him his Davening was too quick. And they told him his Davening took too long. How do your respond to that?! I am still trying to figure out how to respond to Felvel. You can't. The congregation is weak, and they don't help. They don't remember to help. Truth be told, you wouldn't want them to help. Watching them carry stuff and grunting. They help in complaint form. They help with a complaint grunt. And they are weak. They can't even carry the weights to the rack to lift them. The rabbi started Chumash carries in the shul. Just so people would start helping. He called it exercise. It worked for a week. Then people forgot to exercise. Due to the rabbi's new program. People stopped using Chumashes too. They forget to learn Torah. People truly remember nothing in our shul. Choolante is always burned. The Gabai forgets names. You need a second Gabai to remind him. Then the Duchining is messed up. The Kohens forget they're Kohens. I even saw one Kohen washing his own hands. Everybody in the congregation forgets. The rabbi is correct. He's the only one who remembers they forgot. Fran forgets. She denies it, but she forgets. She forgets that she forgets. She'll argue for days that she didn't forget that she forgot. Not a fun discussion. The other people forget that tie-dye went out of style in the '90s. 'No more tie-dye' is an actual rule. They kicked three people out of shul on Shabbat, just for having a shirt that had more than one color. It was said that they were too close to tie-dye. It was a Geoffrey Beene. I would hope our congregants had more class than that. It turns out, they put the shirt in a wash with colored laundry. Tie-dye has to stop. What happened to the white shirt and black pants look?! That seemed to work for Jews on Shabbis for many century. And then Mark has his Angeleno. What happened to decent suits?! Why do they need to add the names when they talk about their suits? Because they're ugly as sin. I think the guys at shul are easily sold to. When the suit guy pats the shoulders, they buy it. It's hard to say no to that. Anytime somebody pats the shoulders the clothes feel good. That's why so many girls in the '80s were wearing shoulder pads. Rabbi is correct, you look like the suit you wear. If you wear a portly, you look portly. The class focused on clothes. The rabbi contended that if you dress in non-Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, you will look like an idiot. He then went on to explain how you wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, because it's Shabbis. To quote: 'You wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis because it's Shabbis. That's why they are called Shabbis clothes. It's Shabbis.' Calling the suit by the last name with an 'a' has really made the suits look better. The fat guys in shul are looking really in shape now, thanks to the huge athletic suits they've been buying. Size 66 athletic suits. Hickey Freeman should be advertising these oversized athletic fit suits. 'The athletic suits that swim in your shoulders and fit just right around your portly belly.' Putting portly in there will help reach our shul's membership clientele. I have seen many out of shape Jews that look good. As Frum Jews we focus on our clothes, not our bodies. Every fight in shul is based on what the Gabai does. He doesn't ask the right people to Daven and a war starts. The rabbi telling the Gabai that he’s almost as bad as the board is hurtful. The rabbi once told a board member, 'You're on the board.' He usually doesn't curse people like that. I don't know what got him so mad. That comment, telling the board member he's on the board, led to a fisticuffs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Terumah2/18/2024
Announcements
We have begun the new members campaign. In order to draw people to our community, we are going to get rid of our congregants. We realize that the problem with the shul is the members. We’re asking you not kick people out of every seat. The Makom Kavuahs are out of control. When somebody leaves our town, they relinquish their Makom Kavuah. To be clear: Felsenblum, who made Aliyah eight years ago, does not still have a Makom Kavuah. We respect people who made Aliyah. Shlomo is running for town board. Please put aside everything you know about him. We want him to have a fair chance at election. Upcoming Classes: How to Sit Quietly in Shul. How to Have People Like You. How to Not Annoy the Rabbi. How to Not Be Annoying to Potential Members. How to Not Tell Jokes That Chase People Away From Kiddish. How to Be Somebody People Want to Daven With. How To Pay Your Rabbi a Decent Salary. We ask members say the words of Tefillahs. Mumbling is out of control. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Temple tells you what gifts to give... No. It wouldn’t want your post-modern artwork. Nobody asked you to donate the sheet to the chapel. How the tie-dye fits into the chapel... Is the chapel's theme ‘lack of belief in Gd’? Then it would make sense the Pinkowitz family gave it tye-die... H' tells us how to make the Keruvim as well... There is a reason. I have seen the artwork of the children in our community. (25:18-20) The Keruvim have spread wings... Rashi teaches that they have to be spread up high. You would have them flapping down. Chilling with tie-dye shirts... H’ has to coach you on everything. Yes. If He didn't, we would end up with crayon drawings that make my fridge look bad... (25:21) ‘And the ark cover (Kaporet) goes on the ark, from above.’ Why H' has to spell this out... 'Ark cover.' It’s a cover. COVER!!! The board would’ve have had a meeting and covered it from below. Like a fool... Covers go on top. They’re covers. They cover things. Not like your shirt. This tie-dye thing... Are we living in the 80s? When did tie-dye become a thing in our shul? Legalization of marijuana... The car cover makes no sense... It's your only car. When it's covered you can't drive it. You have to uncover it to drive... That's why you're late for Minyin all the time. Let me coach you on some rules we have to follow for success in our shul... The congregants are annoying. The only way to get new members is to not have you guys here. No tie-dye. As we look at Shlomo's shirt, we know how ugly it is. And don't talk about Shlomo, it's not fair to his campaign. If anybody knows what we know about Shlomo it would be considered a smear campaign... I’ve seen him walking around in his tie-dye. Grateful Dead fan... No Makom Kavuahs. If everybody keeps up these permanent lifetime seats, we’re going to have no open seats in the shul. There’ll be 250 empty taken seats... Afterlife is not considered part of the lifetime plan. Just pay your dues for once... You kicked them out of every seat. One seat at a time. They went to the next seat and you kicked them out of there... You could've showed them an open seat. But you just kicked them out... Nobody was sitting there. We didn’t even have a Minyin. You can’t kick them out of every seat... Felsenblum hasn’t been here in eight years. It’s not his Makom Kavuah anymore... I understand you like extra arm space. But you have a chair with a watch on it. Does a watch need a chair??? You kicked out this guy... He was visiting. You told him the seat is taken and you put your watch on it. We need new members. That's why it's a 'new members campaign.' There is no apostrophe 's' in members. It doesn't belong to new people joining the shul. It is to get new people to take your spots... Your spots as members. So that the shul could have a membership the rabbi likes... If members showed up, maybe. They don't come to shul, and they still have seats... Even then, you don’t just kick out a new guy from everywhere. You didn’t even say anything. you just moved your finger at him... It’s threatening. I’m scared. Everybody should show up to the classes this week. Especially Bernie. How to Sit Quietly in Shul should be attended by the back left. No more mumbling the Davening. Gd thinks our whole congregation doesn't know how to annunciate. Other than when they're kicking somebody out of a seat... You mumble. There is no way you are saying anything... It's about covering stuff correctly, with Kavod. Treating the congregation right, with Kavod... Cover yourself when you sneeze. Rivka's Rundown It makes sense. Get rid of the old membership and new people might want to come to our shul, to be part of the community. Get rid of all of the members and tie-dye. I have seen the artwork in the rabbi's house. His kids are bad with Crayola. He has a right to be mad at his preschoolers. He has the ugliest fridge in the community. I think the rabbi was mad about the tie-dye and the lack of dress it has brought to the shul. When he was talking about covering the Aron, he was truly telling the congregants to cover themselves. I believe that’s why he stressed ‘Cover.' I am just happy he didn't talk about how we have to treat our bodies like a Temple and cover them. That would've been another twenty minutes on the sermon. He’s a seat kicker outer goon. He sees people come in and he just kicks them out. Just a selfish congregation. They never learned about Hachnasat Orchim. He kicked the guy out of the seat and put his watch on it, I have to say, it was cool to see Yankel kick these people out of every seat. One guy got rid of his membership, and Yankel still told the visitors the seat is taken. He kicked them out of the guy’s seat because he sat there eight years ago. And he’s doing it with his finger. He’s our enforcer. Yankel the enforcer. If I ever need a seat on a bus, I’m getting Yankel. The classes are just the rabbi’s complaints about Bernie. It’s a lot of mumbling. Pinny mumbles when you talk to him. Sometimes I think he’s praying when I ask him how he’s doing at Kiddish. We know too much about Shlomo. Even his Davening is annoying. I am not going to vote for him. He mumbles too loudly. It's annoying. If nobody understands his campaign speeches I will try to help and explain to people, 'Because he Davens.' It was tie-dye. Not a joke. Our chapel has tie-dye in it. We are not a remodern shul or whatever you call it. We are not any of the ‘re’s. The new members campaign was not successful. The membership was involved trying to get new members. Hence, we couldn't get rid of the old ones. It's a vicious cycle of the same members in our shul. The rabbi made it clear that he appreciates those who made Aliyah and moved to Israel, as he doesn't have to see them. He is the first rabbi I have ever met who started an anti-Zionist Aliyah campaign. His goal is to send all Jews of Congregation Anshei Beis Emes uSefilah to Israel, away from his community, to make it harder on Israel. To quote: 'I have dealt with them on the board. Good luck... Jewish Agency representative, please note, these people should never vote on anything. They have been on committees... They ruined my shul.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.
You're Introduced to the Family He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.' His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that. He Introduces You to His Brother Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?! You're His Plus One The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage. If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over. He Yells at You That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel. Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing. He Stops Getting the Car Door for You He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date. He Says He Loves Your Cooking You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it. He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship. He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work. He Posts a Picture of the Two of You He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care. A Lollipop on Shabbis That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works. He Starts Asking You for Stuff He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job. There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Mishpatim2/12/2024
Announcements
We apologize for our Gabai who likes to lead services. We’re now stuck with having to hear Moishie every Shacharit. We have no choice. He chooses himself to lead. We need ads for our Bulletin. It looks very not Jewish to have no ads. The shul is so out of shape. We saw a group picture from Tu BShvat. We thought the congregation should know how bad they look. We commend the Finkel Mishpacha for kicking the new members out of your seat. It shows gall and a courage that only a good Jew would have. Nobody else would show up at the end of services and tell other people they are wrong. Please be quieter when disciplining your kids. Many congregants are now worried they are doing something wrong due to very loud shushes. Shul learning program will be attended by four people. That’s it. We know. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mishpatim. Laws. We follow them... People who are not members of our shul follow them. There are rules. This isn’t one of our weekday Minyins where people do whatever they want... You can’t just lead because you feel like it. You can’t become Gabai to pick yourself every time... Yes. I feel like a slave to this shul. You should let me go... You have injured my soul. Serving this congregation has done damage to my Nishama. (Shemot 21:20) ‘If a man strikes his slave or maidservant with a rod and he shall die under his hand, he shall surely be avenged’... Will this shul ever be avenged for the death of the soul they have caused me... My slavery to this congregation... It’s a matter of where you fight. You have to be aware of your surroundings. (21:22) ‘If men fight and they hit a pregnant woman and she miscarries... he shall surely be punished...’ Why are you fighting in a nursery school?... The fight at Lamaze... Uncalled for... You must take responsibility. This isn't your dues, Simcha. It's about being held accountable. Culpable... Not cupable. I understand the Kiddish Dixie cups are not cupable. I am with you 100% Bernie. You can't drink out of those things. Tiny... (21:23-37) You pay Damages... You don’t let your ox go out and gore people. You don’t leave holes out in the middle of the street... Yes. the county should be sued for the potholes.... It's about rules and safety. And accountability. (22:1-3) If he’s tunneling into your house and he’s killed, that’s fine... We’re not talking about Chabad kids trying to get to a Mikvah... All slaves to people who don't want to work. People who don't want to try. People who take no responsibility. Is it even a Jewish bulletin? All Jewish printed form has ads. Mishpacha Magazine has no articles. Just ads... Because it's Jewish. That's how Jewish magazines are written. Ad form... Yes. That’s an announcement. You should know you’re out of shape. Accountability... You think I have a good metabolism. I'm Jewish. You treat people like slaves. It was the guy’s first Shabbis in the shul... You didn’t even wish him a Shabbat Shalom or a Hello. You just told him to get out... I don’t care how often you sit there. You sit there three minutes a Shabbis. You showed up two hours late. It was almost Kiddish... You say 'Shabbat Shalom.' And you wonder why your kids are nasty... You discipline your kids and the whole congregation thinks they did something wrong... Your kids are still talking and yelling at each other. Pulling hair. Your shush is so loud... Even Finkel doesn’t shush that loud to people sitting in his seat... Even Bernie stopped talking. That’s how scary your shush was... Take responsibility for your Shushes. Fran lost her hearing from it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi considers it slavery to have to answer questions from Fran and Ethel. To see Bernie kills his soul. Our congregants get in fights everywhere. I think the fight at Lamaze happened when Michel asked Shloimy if his wife was pregnant. Shloimy said, 'How dare you say that.' The potholes are real bad. Somebody has to redo the shul parking lot. The fact that the board is blaming the city for that has many of us questioning. The Gabai just gets up and leads. Nobody can protest, as they’re not the Gabai. He even gives himself the Aliyahs to the Torah. He calls himself up. 'Ani Ben Abba Sheli.' You protest, the Gabai asks, 'Do you want to do it?' And then people let hm lead everything. He's like the Pinzkowitz kids and their Anim Zemirot. The part of the sermon that spoke most to me was the taking responsibility lesson, and the Kiddish cups not being cupable. It’s true. Only ads. The whole magazine is ads. Every Jewish paper and magazine just has ads. Except our bulletin. I think we should advertise who paid dues. There would be at least one ad. I know the Simchovitz family paid dues. They're a bunch of fools. We're the most out of shape congregation. Habgah is pathetic. We have to have two congregants lift the Torah together. That's how weak we've become. Finkel just walked over to the guy and said, ‘Get out. My seat.’ The guy had never been to our congregation. He and his kids just took the only open seats. They didn't know it was Finkel. Rest of Davening they just stood in back. That's how they were welcomed to our shul. Standing in the back in protest. Kicked out and standing in the back. Thanks to Finkel, I don't think we've had a new member in three years. I respect Finkel’s ability to kick people out of his seat. No name on it. I don’t even think Finkel pays dues. The courage of Finkel. It’s an example. These parents are so threatening with their looks and shushes. I got scared with the shush. I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I wasn’t even talking. I felt like the twenty-two-year-old was parenting me. I was so afraid of making noise, I stayed seated the rest of Davening, and I started eating green beans. 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Sermons of Rebuke III: Yitro2/5/2024
Announcements
We are asking people to put away their Siddurs. It appears that congregants are good at taking the Siddurim and Sefarim off the shelves. They are just not good at putting them back. Members have asked, and the rabbi has given the Psak that a chair cannot double as a bookshelf. We want to apologize for some of the messed up names in our congregation. Betzalel Zalman makes no sense. It sounds off. Zalman Betzalel would sound better. And we apologize for that. We also apologize for Bracha Faiga. Hector Schwartz also makes no sense. We’re sorry. This Shabbat is the Schulman Bar Mitzvah. If you want an Aliyah don’t show up. Last Bar Mitzvah refused to celebrate Merv’s Ninetieth. Celebrating Birthdays last week are Kim, Sharon, Mark, Bill and Yankel. Fred and Marcie are also celebrating their anniversary three weeks ago. We are celebrating the Yahrzeit of Shmiel Simchovitz this week. Nobody liked him. There will be schnapps served. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 18:9) ‘vYached Yitro.’ Yitro rejoiced. Yachad, same word as one. He was one with the good H’ did, rescuing the Jews from Mitzrayim. He connected. You are happy when you connect. When you see something good, you rejoice and connect. Nobody has ever connected with our shul board... When you come into a shul where nobody says Hi, nobody connects. So Yitro is now part of our people... Because he rejoiced. He was a pleasure to be around. Unlike Betzalel Zalman. Zalman should be first. With a name like that, Zalman Betzalel. And Hector. Change your first or last name... I don't know. It just doesn't seem to fit. What can we rejoice in? Bernie didn't make it to shul this Shabbis. What do you rejoice in? Definitely not Mitzvot. Definitely not coming to shul on time. Nobody is rejoicing with Zalman and is offbeat singing... Yes. I am judging. It's bad. Almost as bad as putting Betzalel before Zalman. (18:13) Moshe is judging the people alone... Because he had no help. Have you ever seen anybody in this shul help? Have you ever seen a board member lift a hand? Have you ever seen the Gabai not talking? (18:14) Yitro asks him why he does this all alone. Like any father-in-law, he lets the son-in-law know he’s doing nothing right... He doesn’t know that nobody in his congregation volunteers. Yitro is the leader of a people who know how to use tools... Maybe the Jews back then knew how to use tools. I can tell you, they weren't members of this congregation. Michael can't even build a prefab bookcase... Our janitor has problems putting together the prefab tables. He can't figure out how to get the rings to slide down... (18:17) Yitro tells Moshe, ‘The thing you do is not good.’ I have been telling that to the board for years. But nobody listens to me. Yitro then tells Moshe to have other people, leaders, judge the people as well. How many times have I told this congregation to be more judgmental?! I'm not the only one who sees how annoying the back left section of the shul is... (18:23) If they help you in this judging ‘you will be able to last, and also the nation will arrive at its destination in peace.’ If people helped every once in a while, and I didn’t have to do everything alone, I would maybe want to be here... If you all put away your Siddurs every once in a while, the shul would be at peace. If you all weren't so annoying... I can’t do everything alone. It is getting hard having to sit day and night, listening to you people. Very hard. Painful. Especially Felvel... Be happy you're married. I have to hear about the kids. We all know they're an issue. We see them in shul... 'My back. The cousins are coming. I need to shovel...' Get a doctor... Help. At least do something... Last time I asked for help, you brought in a cleaning service... I was asking for help with youth groups. I can't give sermons and lead this community while running youth groups... What where they going to do? Clean the kids with a vacuum?! It’s about everybody participating in a positive way. Doing your jobs correctly... If you were able to hold a job down Marcie, you would pay dues... Yes. Paying dues is a help. It at least helps me feel like I am here for a reason... To get paid. Listening to this congregation is not what a Jewish boy should do. We're talking about helping. About doing your job as a Jew. You can’t even put away your Siddurim correctly. Pinchas has to put them away for you. He’s the only one who was educated to clean up after himself... You take the Sefarim off the shelves. You’re good at taking. Then you’re good at leaving it for somebody else... I get it. There are a lot of issues that need dealing with, because the board is full of a bunch of idiots. Why can’t you announce anything on time?... Birthday announcements for last week?! They passed. You should announce 'stuff you missed because we don't help...' People wished an ‘I’m sorry I forgot your birthday’... Who remembers birthdays? We have announcements to let us know we’re supposed to say we care. And then Tu BShvat was a week late. Nothing is on time... This is why nobody is ever in shul when we start. It's your announcements. Speaking about birthdays, I believe our shul likes Yahrtzeits more... It's about not having to do everything yourself. It's about sharing responsibility... Even during a Simcha you can share the Bima... What are you going to do when the Pintzkowitz kids run up for Anim Zemirot... Are you sure your cousins can take them down, along with Mr. Harvey Pintzkowitz... I know he’s up there too. I don't know if the third graders can take down Mr. Pintzkowitz... We do want to wish the Schulmans a Mazel Tov. We hope the Gabai has an easier time than he did last month with the Schwartz’s cousins. Calling up Mateo, Santiago and Alvaro Ben Eduardo was not easy. At least Yankel is a Jewish name. Yankel Ben Rodriguez... I don't know why his Jewish name is a Cental American last name. And I don't know why it's not Zalman Betzalel. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said that working at this shul is not for a Jew. I have to agree. No Jew should feel required to show up to Davening on time. The rabbi was branded a racist for telling Hector his name didn't fit. And the rabbi responded with, 'Shaindel Heimowitz. Your name doesn't make sense either.' The names in our shul make no sense. You never put a Zalman as a middle name. And Mark Yankel Smith. Something is wrong with our membership. Hector Schwartz. No Hebrew names in that family. Hector Ben Mateo Ben Julio. Ben is the only Hebrew part of these people's names. They don't even try. The family is South African. I don't know how they got those names. Nobody cleans up after themselves. Pinchas is sick of putting away the Siddurim. He is now putting them back in spite. He curses while he's putting them back. Some people kiss a Siddur when putting it away, Pinchas is saying 'Bernie that piece...' Seeing the birthday names, I am starting to feel like I’m at a Baptist shul. Does anybody in our shul have a Jewish name. Even Betzalel comes off as not Jewish when our Gabai calls him up. A midwestern accent was not made for Jews. They decided to start announcing birthdays late. I think it has something to do with not wanting to buy cake for the members anymore. The board decided that nobody likes birthday cake. We now get babka every week for Kiddish and everybody is happy. The rabbi is correct. Nobody cares about the birthdays. We need a warning to be able to pretend like we remembered. Now we have to wish an excuse, with stuff like, 'I was thinking about you... I messed up the date... No. I showed up for my doctor's appointment on the second, on the day of your birthday. But I forgot what date it was.' The congregants appreciate the Yahrzeits more. They like celebrating when people die more than when they have to see them at Kiddish. At Shmiel Simchovitz's Yahrzeit they handed out Yahrzeit candles for people to drink out of. It's turned into a tradition. I think I have a set of Shmiel Yahrzeit glasses. In our community it's trendy. When people have a Simcha they never share any of the honors. I think they’re worried their relatives will have to deal with listening the rest of the congregation. We all know how painful that is. So, they have their family do all of the Aliyahs and their families lead the services. This way they don't have to justify the heretics to their cousins. I thought the lesson Yitro was telling Moshe was to involve other people, then they will join and all will be better. I like the rabbi’s take though. It is our congregation's fault. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The board would like to apologize for the dried fruit this Tu BShvat. Due to injured stomachs, we will not serve dried fruit ever again. We want to apologize for the board missing Tu BShvat announcements last week. You can practice the holiday now. You can still care about trees if you would like. Though after Tu BShvat the trees don’t care. You missed nothing at the Tu BShvat Seder other than Maurice and Helen fighting over when Matzah is going to be served. We would like to apologize for the date joke. We counted twelve people saying it. Nobody should have to hear that joke about getting a date and eating a date more than once a year. And that includes Rosh Hashana Simanim. We ask people to keep their embraces silent. The Shlomo and Baruch hug last Shabbat was way too loud. Older people got scared. We are going to force the Himmelmans to share Anim Zemirot. The kids have been hogging the Bima. There are other kids in the shul who also can’t sing. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... And the Jews complain to Moshe. Not a surprise. I have a congregation. I can see what he had to deal with. Korach. A president. Complainers. A board... Egypt is approaching them at the sea, and the Jews say (Shemot 14:11-12) ‘... Were there no graves in Mitrayim... Is this not what we said to you in Mitzrayim, “Let us be and we will serve Mitzrayim?” For it is better for us that we serve Mitzrayim than we die in the desert.’ The people complained about freedom. Who complains about freedom? Other than Shloimy, who complains about having too much money?!... They're talking about dying. But the real question is, how do you live? What is better. Is it better to be a member of our shul or to enjoy life?... I feel like a slave here. It can be hard to have faith. Especially when dealing with the congregants at Beis Knesses Beis Torahs Emes uSefilah. With the Egyptians on their back Moshe tells them H’ will fight for them. He tells them to have faith. He tells them to shut up... Yes. That was directed at Bernie. We must think about living free to serve H'. To have faith that things will be good. To not be slaves to Egypt or the board of this shul. ‘Is it not better that I would not have to sit next to Fran during the sermon?’ I understand these questions from my pupils... Dealing with her does have me questioning my faith. What are we complaining about? Getting attacked at the sea, where you can't see a future, can have you looking to the easy way out. The slavery of Egypt. To coming back to this congregation. Hard to see a future dealing with the shul here... It's easy to put together a Tu BShvat Seder that nobody will enjoy... I understand why you ask if one can enjoy themselves on a Tu BShvat diet. I'm still starving from last night’s Seder. I believe that the more I ate, the hungrier I became. Can one live on a vegan diet? ‘It is better we eat meat than have to die to a vegan diet on Tu BShvat’... There was no dessert at the Tu BShvat Seder. That is correct. It is better we die with dessert than without. How one can serve so much fruit and not one dessert?!... And then people want to continue Tu BShvat. The pain the suffering. As opposed to moving ahead and eating enjoyable food. I want to apologize for the vegan Kiddish this week. I believe it is hurting the trees of our planet. We are looking towards salvation. Not freedom. The Jews were fine without salvation. That is the issue. Salvation is a hope. A hope for something good. A hope that you'll get a decent dessert with Gd. When the sisterhood puts together a Tu BShvat Seder, there is no hope. What are you serving? That is the question. They were fine serving Paroh. You can't live like that... It's not living. It's dying slow. You're serving dried fruit. Apricots. Is there salvation in apricots?!... I know Tu BShvat is over. You can still care about trees. Dried fruit is amazing. It preserves life... Preservatives are good. Pikuach Nefesh. But saving lives for what??? The date joke... It’s a date, so you say people should have a lot of dates. We get it. It’s annoying. To have to live with that joke. No salvation... Please never invite me to another Tu BShvat Seder at this shul again. They are all fighting and they are not even family... No. There is no Matzah, Maurice. It's Tu BShvat. Bread is allowed... And the complaints and fighting in this place is too much... Even when you hug, it sounds like you’re fighting. Loudest hugs I have ever heard in my life. The patting. It's a smack. It's the loudest show of care for a friend... Yes. It disturbs Davening. And it scares people. Ethel had a heart attack. She heard the hug and went into an extreme panic... It might have been a panic attack. Either way, the whole shul was worried, and Sadie was happy she could finally get in a decent Davening without being interrupted. First hearing of the embrace. The pats. You disturbed all of shul. Couldn't hear the Kaddish with your embracing and hug taps.... What makes life worth it is the question. The journey was there for us to understand what is worth living for. Emunah. Faith that someday things will be good. Someday, there could be another job. That faith in good is what keeps you moving ahead. Not dealing with the Beis Knesses Anshei Diburei BEmtzah HaTefillah. It's the hope that one day we won't be slaves to this having to drive electric cars... No. You cannot make it Chicago with that thing. The belief that one day the Pintzkowitz kids will not lead in Anim Zemirot... Your kids have to stop doing Anim Zemirot sometimes. Even if you drive a Tesla. They don't have good voices... We know you think they do... Why don't you learn to lead services. Then your kids wouldn't have to... Michael. If you learned to do Shacharit, you wouldn't force your children... Focus on life. That is what Moshe was telling them. (14:13-14) 'See the salvation of H"... H' will fight for you and you will keep silent.' Stop talking. Keep your mouths shut. How much pulls this off with the whole nation, telling them all to shut up, is brilliant. One day there might be a decent Kiddish again. And the members of the shul will stop complaining. If the people in this shul would just stop talking, I believe we would all see salvation... Bernie. I'm in the middle of the sermon. Please refrain from conversation till it's over... Salvation from the Pintzkowitz kids... No. Your kids should get hurt. They don’t share Anim Zemirot. Four years... The oldest is already fifteen. Rivka's Rundown It would appear the rabbi is still looking into other jobs. Talking about complaining about the future because the past is easy, he wants out. What a brilliant concept. Complaining about the future. Only our membership can find a way to complain about something that hasn't happened yet. Rabbi Mendelchem is truly meant for our shul. And he will complain about it. Which is so brilliant. It seems we practice all holidays a week late. Our board always forgets the holidays in announcements. Two years ago, the board implemented a Sukkot Sheini. A second Sukkot for those who missed the first one, because they forgot to put it in the announcements. If our religion was organized by our board, we would have Sheinis for all holidays. Not just Pesach. They would've been complaining to H' that they missed the holidays every time, and for not good reason; probably golf or tennis. They would have Rosh Hashana Sheini, Yom Kippur Sheini, Yom Huledet Sheini. I can't tell you the amount of birthdays have been missed in the birthday announcements. The board always has to announce the birthdays from the pulpit with an 'I'm sorry we missed...' Why they even have the birthday section in the announcements makes no sense. The only thing I have ever seen there is, 'We want to wish a Mazel Tov for Bernie on his birthday, which was celebrated two and a half months ago. Mazel...' So smooth. The way the rabbi told Bernie to shut up. It was Moshesque. How the rabbi came up with electric cars, I don't know. I am trying to figure out what that has to do with death and living. Those apricots killed my stomach. I don’t know if apricots have ever not killed my stomach, even wet. The Kiddish committee is very not happy about the dried fruits ban. They have eighteen pounds of dried fruit leftover from Tu BShvat, with a twenty-four year expiration date on them. The committee is hoping the ban will be lifted next Tu BShvat or within the next twenty years. It’s very complicated to have a Seder with no Matzah. Our whole congregation was confused. Finally somebody said something about the date joke. Hopefully, they will also not say that joke by the Simanim (signs) on Rosh Hashana The vegan Kiddish had a lot of naysayers. I for one love zucchini in everything, including my cake. I think they even grunted when they hugged. It was so loud. Harvey Pintzkowitz is an abusive Anim Zemirot dad. If he ever learned to Daven, or if he learned to play basketball, he wouldn't force this on his kids. Those kids hog the Anim Zemirot. One of them even runs up to the ark, so no other family can join. Every Shabbis is like a Pintzkowitz Bar Mitzvah. I don’t know if the rabbi truly remembers the name of the shul. He calls it something else every time. It’s Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He likes adding in more 'S's. He feels like that is more Frum. All Lashon Hara is not Lashon Hara at our shul. They are all a bunch of Reshaim. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Bo1/21/2024
Announcements
Rabbi Mendelchem will remain with our congregation. He went on some job interviews for other congregations this past week and noticed that their congregants are just as annoying as ours. The board would like to apologize for the rabbi’s beard. When he was hired it was much longer. We thought we were hiring a rabbi with four chin inches. We thought he was holy. Now we question him as our spiritual leader. We will be taking the rabbi's beard length to Beit Din for faulty sale. Aspirations are important. Our board aspires to find a new rabbi. No more new tunes for Lecha Dodi. Binyamin thinks he’s educating the congregation. It’s just annoying. Everybody likes the traditional Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune... And no more excitement from the Baal Tefillah. Excitement seems to manifest itself with loud table banging and shocked people with bad hearts. Our members don’t take well to excitement. Especially the older members. We’re asking members to greet each other. Hellos might help members feel wanted. Nobody in our shul is cool enough to avoid saying ‘Hello.’ Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... When it comes to worrying you run. You love to worry. When something goes wrong and you have something to worry about, that makes your day... Don't lie Fran. You love to worry. Almost as much as complaining... The best thing that happened to you is your car got stolen. That’s all you talked about for the next month. You run to insurance. You beg them to give you money. You worry about your money and will do anything for it. Like Paroh. When it comes to loss of land, Paroh rushes. Paroh is all of the sudden religious... You shouldn’t have bought a Kia. It's a plague. The locusts are in the fields killing the vegetation that ‘the hail left,’ (Shemot 10:16) ‘And Paroh rushes to call Moshe and Aharon, and he said, “I have sinned to H.”’ He became religious for a moment because he was worried. He worried about his money. The same way you worry about the Forte. The same way the board became religious when I asked for a raise. ‘But we are here serving Gd.’ You were here not giving me a raise. Sforno teaches that Paroh hurried because he was worried about permanent damage to the vegetation. He was worried about Egypt's ability to produce. Money... If you guys worried about the shul lawn, it wouldn’t be full of weeds... (10:18-20) The locusts are hurled towards the sea and Paroh’s heart is hardened by H’ and he doesn’t send out the Jews. When the monetary worry is gone, you have no reason to be religious or kind anymore. The board decided to not give me a raise, and they didn’t show up to shul today. A bunch of Parohs. They stop praying... If you all rushed for your spiritual needs. If you all rushed to wash Netilat Yadaim... The way you run, Bernie, somebody would get hurt. When it comes to money, you rush. When was the last time your ran to shul?When was the last time you said, 'Maybe they need me for a Minyin. I should head to Walmart to pick up some groceries'?... You rush out of shul, and I don't blame you. You want to run away from conversations with Felvel and Cindy Shprintza Leah... No. Don’t take credit for be annoying. The other shuls have annoying members. You are still annoying. You still have me questioning if it’s worth it to be Jewish if you have to be part of this congregation. You need a spiritual leader to ensure you understand to not be annoying. To understand your spiritual needs are just as important as your money. Which is why you should give your rabbi a raise... This is a legitimate beard. I measured it and it’s three inches from the chin. That is long. That is holy... By American standards that is holy... We are not in Israel. In Israel it's five inches from chin... You have aspirations to get a good job that makes money, and you run to that. Be a decent person. How about that for an aspiration? Do a decent Tu BShvat Seder. How about that for an aspiration? Don't bother your rabbi. How about that... You can’t even achieve that. Not one aspiration to do good for people and connect with H’. My beard was an aspiration at some point. Then I decided to aspire to be closer to Gd... Yes. You do need a beard for that... What spiritual aspirations do you have? You should run to achieve spiritual aspirations. You should run to not be like Bernie. You run to do good things. 'Zerizim Makdimin LMitzvot'... How should I know what that means?! The guy runs up to take the Amud and lead us in Davening... Has to be the Chazin. Runs to show off these new tunes... Nobody cares. Who are you Chezy?! Trying to educate us with your aspirations to be a Chazin... No. We don't want it. We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week. Another new tune for Kabalat Shabbat. 'Lecha Dodi.' That's the song. Now we have to sit through a guy who thinks he's educating us.... And your table hitting and jumping doesn’t help. You’re not an athlete. You don’t need to jump in shul. It’s not a basketball game... That’s not dancing. That’s jumping... That wasn’t a beat. You were hitting the table. Nobody in this shul is that holy, where they should be teaching other Jewish stuff... My beard is holy. Run to grow a beard and you might become more spiritual. You might start thinking less about your money... A raise is not money. A raise is to connect to Gd. Higher. Raise. You greet people. You run to greet people... No. It’s not cool to not say hi. It’s just uncomfortable to be here... I don’t like being the rabbi. The most exciting thing I can do in this shul is grow my beard. If you worry more about doing Mitzvahs and not your money. If you worried more about being kind... A raise would be nice. Rivka's Rundown Kia Fortes are a very valuable car to thieves in our town. We know, as the two members that parked them in the shul parking lot over Shabbis did not see their cars after Shabbis. Some in our shul say it was the Shabbat Queen who took it for a Melavah Malkah. The Kia Forte owners are getting really annoyed with the new spiritual members in our shul. The rabbi is going to stay with us. Those were the kindest words the rabbi ever said to our congregation. He wants to stay with us, because congregants at other shuls are also annoying. The board wants a beard from our rabbi. A longer beard. They should hire rabbis based on beard length. Each inch should be a 10k raise in salary. I do feel bad about the rabbi's beard length argument. And I do believe his shaving his beard to #1 on the clippers was called for, as food was constantly getting stuck somewhere in the thicket. However, he was hired for a longer beard length, and he has lost much respect since trimming it. It always comes down to a raise. If we gave the rabbi a raise, he would be fine. He would probably stop giving sermons. The idea of a raise being spiritual because it is higher. Only our rabbi could be so profound. The rabbi said Paroh was better than the shul board. At least Paroh took care of the land. The shul lawn does need some mowing weeding. They won't even pay for somebody to do that. We can't get anybody to volunteer to mow the lawn. That's a definite. Nobody is willing to do anything for the shul, unless if they get paid. If they get a long Mishebeyrach, they are also happy. I think they like doing long Mishebeyrach blessings for the family members in the middle of Davening because it bothers the rest of the congregation. To our membership, that is worth something. It is annoying when these people are all trying to achieve something nobody cares about. Now we have little Samantha trying to get into an Ivy League. Her parents said it's important to them she gets in. Otherwise, she won't learn to hate Jews. And now, these kids leading services. It has to stop. They do these new Lecha Dodi tunes, like it’s revolutionary. So now we have to sit through this new tune the guy heard at some Yeshiva in Israel. Something to a Eurovision melody. It's either a Eurovision song, or something that one of these new singers wrote, not realizing they were writing a Carlebach song that was already out there. These guys write these new Lecha Dodi songs with an Am chord, thinking they didn't hear it form Carlebach. Revolutionaries. The Bum BaDa Bum Bum tune is the best one. It’s been the best one for fifty years. And nobody needs to learn it, because it’s good. And then we have to deal with excitement shown in the form of jumping. If nobody else is excited about your tune, please don't jump. You're not going to sell it to me. If it's not Bum BaDa Bum Bum, you're not going to sell it to me. The most brilliant point I will ever make to the congregation. Here it is. 'We like our old tunes. That's why we do them every week.' It's so annoying when these kids think they found a new great tune. They all sound like another Carlebach song. The rabbi is correct again. You greet people. It is uncomfortable coming to shul. You don’t know if you’re going to get a Shabbat Shalom or not. I think we are the most unfriendly place to be. I have stopped saying 'Shabbat Shalom,' because half the time I get no response. A greeting committee was formed, so that our members don't have to be nice every week. Niceness is now in a cycle. It was hard, but we got a couple of people to volunteer to be nice. Please know, our rabbi is a spiritual holy man. Due to the discussion, he did Teshuva. As he repented, he has added a minute to his Shema prayer for each inch of beard he has lost. Now, his Shema takes seven minutes. As they wait six and a half minutes for the rabbi to finish the Shema, the congregants are complaining even more now. The board voted towards the end of the week. They have decided that they don't want a spiritual rabbi. They also said that spiritual means the rabbi isn't found in his office very often. When the rabbi wasn't seen for a three days at shul, the president asked him what happened. The rabbi explained that he got caught up in the middle of a Shema. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaEira1/14/2024
Announcements
Since the Chanukah party, Mel has become addicted to gambling. Next year we won’t throw a Dreidel around a spinning thing with numbers that have pockets for the Dreidel to fall in. Why the Dreidel game needed a separate spinning wheel with 38 pockets is something we are still asking the Chanukah party committee about. Another winter car accident. Our members can’t even drive in summer. To keep the roads safe, we suggest our membership walk to shul. Appreciation Profile: We commend all of the children from our congregation who are in the Israeli army. We still see nothing positive in your parents. At least you bring a little Nachis and respect to your Mishpuchis. If your parents move to Israel we will respect them. No quoting the Torah if it's not a quote. Too many of our congregants are quoting Torah that is not Torah. This has been confusing many of our congregants who think anything said in Hebrew is word from Gd. To make for peace amongst our congregants, emails are not allowed anymore. When it’s in email form, you can’t take back capital letters. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Flock... Maybe we should have plagues... If we had plagues, you would act good for a day. You wouldn't abuse Jews... You abuse your rabbi. You’re like Paroh. When there are plagues you say, ‘I’m sorry H.”’ Plagues stop and you’re out there making Jews work with mortar... You asked for extra coleslaw at Kiddish. Ever make coleslaw? It’s the same thing... (Shemot 6:26-27) ‘This was the Aharon and Moshe... They were the ones who spoke to Paroh... this was the Moshe and Aharon.’ How many Moshe and Aharons were there in Egypt? It wasn’t like Sarah in our shul. Everybody is Sarah. I counted twenty... Did the community think there were no other Jewish names before Mark became a member? Did it take a new generation or somebody visiting New York to realize that just because you’re a Jew you don’t have to call your daughter Sarah?... 'This was the Aharon and Moshe.' The children of Yocheved and Amram. Genealogy is important when you accomplish something... Notice that Efraim’s parents never talk about him... We learned the genealogy of Aharon and Moshe and so now we say these are the guys. We see they come from good people... Ever heard people say, ‘I’m from Topeka.’ ‘I’m from Beis KNesses Anshei Emes uSefilah’? No... Exactly. Because of Bernie... Maybe it was a popular name. Look at our shul. Fifteen Moshes... ‘This was the Moshe.’ It wasn’t Moshe Pinkowitz. Pinky wasn’t the Moshe that got the Jews out of Egypt. That should be clear... You don't have Pinky freeing our people. Going over to Paroh and saying, 'I think we need a bigger Kiddish'... Always complaining... Why Aharon first and then Moshe first??? Not everything is a competition. Chazal teach us that both were equally great, so you mention one first... Nobody ever mentioned Efraim first. Even during roll call his teachers never called him first. Last name is Aaronovitz... I don’t know why Eli always gets to the lollypops first. He might be better than the other kids... When it comes to Bar Mitzvah candy throwing, Eli is a beast. He takes down the other kids... I know he’s twenty. He’s still a kid... When are you too old to dive on the floor for candies in shul?! Never. Exactly... Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that Aharon reached his potential. Reaching your potential is what makes you great.... Eli jumping on the floor and taking down other kids for candy is his potential... And our shul just stops people from reaching their potential. Stopping Eli from getting some Sunkist jelly circles. Who brought the roulette wheel? That wasn’t Dreidel... That was a scam. The Dreidel didn’t even move. The shul took 90% on the winnings. And that wasn't even dues. Now we have addicts, chasing their losses... That's why people haven't been back. They don't have enough money to gamble at shul... Whatever our congregants do just causes harm to others. Even driving. I'm afraid to leave the parking lot. The way Bernie backs up with his eyes on his steering wheel... You look at other cars. You look to see if there are people... H' created the laws of Shabbat so that our membership wouldn't drive. The laws of Shabbat saves lives... The Moshe and Aharons of our shul. The Elis of our shul. That is who we look to right now. We commend all the kids who’ve done the Israeli army. They’re bright. They’re courageous. They're smart. They left this congregation... I think the board is trying to get some of the people to move out of the congregation. The announcement of appreciation and respect for our children who went off to serve our people turned into a spite of their parents. You’re not quoting Torah... 'It says in the Torah that you should make money.' Where did you get that from? Where does it say that... Because you said it's in the Torah doesn't mean it's in the Torah... The Torah does say I should get a raise, so that your rabbi can reach his potential. 'VaYomer HaRav LGabaim SheHeim Loh Bseder. vKoolam Sonim Otam.' Torah... It's about potential. And being there to help others reach their potential. That's how you lead. Not through emails. No emails is Torah. Everything you write is nasty... And no social media either... Because you looks stupid... Your emails are just mean... If that’s not the tone, then why are you capitalizing everything... Take it off of caps lock and you will look nicer. Your whole Kiddish complaint to the board was with caps. If you didn't use caps, we'd look at your genealogy... That's what it is Pinky. If there was a plague, you wouldn't write emails for a day. Rivka's Rundown There are a lot of converts in our congregation. They named their daughters after their mothers. Then the men were all named Moshe. No idea why. Just lack of creativity and Torah knowledge. Then Mark joined the shul and people started thinking you can name Jews in English. Now we have Tyler as a member. Named Tyler at his Bris. The rabbi decided that gambling fundraisers are still gambling. The president argued with the rabbi, then took back ten thousand dollars of the rabbi's salary and said, 'That's ten thousand the shul lost in chips.' We had Gamblers Anonymous meetings in our shul. Those stopped when all the members were trying to figure out why we're not a church. It all started with Chanukah. The whole shul is now addicted to slot machines. Last week, the rabbi had to go to the casino to give a Halacha class. It was a beautiful teaching about chasing your kids in shul instead of chasing your losses. Winter driving in our town is dangerous. No snow. People just can’t drive. The suggestion of members walking to shul had nothing to do with keeping Shabbat. Though, as the rabbi said, 'Keeping H"s laws of Shabbat saves lives. At least of the other people on road.' Such a beautiful job of working the Israeli soldiers into the sermon. The rabbi has been doing that lately. It makes it all more meaningful during this time. Letting the congregants know how they have not helped the nation at all is a great lesson that touches the heart of the congregation. I think the one good thing about many of our children joining the Israeli army, according to our rabbi, is that they’ve left our community, and that is smart. Our membership is notorious for fake Torah sources. One was when Mark argued that Mark is a name found in Deuteronomy. He argued it by saying 'Devarim.' The argument went, 'There is Shlomo HaMelech, Noach, and Mark. Mark in Devarim.' And they all use a Hebrew word and think they've won a Halachik conversation. I belive she said, 'And you can't do Hotza'ah of a Siddur...' What does that mean? Just because you used Hebrew doesn't make it a Jewish law. I think she didn't want somebody else using the Artscroll Siddur she has branded as hers. The rabbi used the term Chazal, meaning our teachers or something, which means he didn't know who said it. But everybody considered it law. It was in Hebrew. They say nasty stuff in their emails. Emails are worse than social media. If we interacted through our email talk, we would all be like Bernie and Max talking. A lot of anger and arguing about everything. Now nobody in the congregation likes anybody. It’s all emails. If we stick with emails less people will show up to shul. In upcoming sermons, I am guessing the rabbi is going to start talking about how people should only interact through emails. Coleslaw is hard to make. It’s back breaking if you don’t buy the pre-cut vegetables. Why nobody in our shul purchased the diced slaw makes no sense. I agree with the rabbi. If they made them do the extra work, that’s Parohesque. To have to cut the slaw is a Paroh thing. Our rabbi hits it right on the nose every time. Nose hitting would be a good plague. Only way things in our shul work out is if there is a crisis. I think that a plague would get everybody in line. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shemot1/7/2024
Announcements
We are sorry for the handouts reading ‘5783’ until now. We’re glad our board finally caught onto the year 5784 with the New Year of 2024. A bunch of Apikorsim. Now that it’s New Years, maybe they’ll do Teshuva. Shimon has taken off eight pounds over the past three months, thanks to Shacharit. He wants everybody to know how much he appreciates the aisle. To quote: ‘The space makes it more comfortable to get in my steps. While I’m pacing, I don’t bump into anybody bowing.’ The coffee and cookies are there for after services during the week. Not for a meal at your seat in shul. The rabbi has reported too many people bringing coffee and cake into services. The spills have cost the shul much in carpet repairs. The rabbi wants to apologize for bringing up the Kashrut conversation. The pizza shop won’t have a Hashgacha. So there won’t be arguments. The Botox is too much. Our congregants look scary. Children are crying. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Moshe, the great prophet who H’ chose to be the catalyst for our redemption from slavery. Nothing to do with Moshe Yisraelav who’s just an annoying community member who likes to complain. No redemption. Just complaints... The redemption starts with compassion. (Shemot 2:6) Paroh’s daughter went down to the river, and when she opened up the basket and saw the baby crying, ‘She took pity on him.’ She had compassion. Not like the sisterhood who sees kids taking extra cookies... You take it off their plates and they start crying. You cause the crying. This leads to a life of Moshe growing up as her son... The movie shows he’s her son... Pasuk 10 says he’s her son.... It wasn’t just Paroh’s daughter’s compassion. It was Miriam, Moshe’s sister, who didn’t take her eyes off him (2:4) to see what would happen to him... She didn't just watch like it was a movie. She didn't just stand there and say, 'That's it,' like when your kid is running in the halls with the pastry platter... You see nothing. You can’t even keep your kids away from the Kiddish. We get no cookies. They take them all... Then watch your children. You don’t watch your kids in the halls. Running around all of Davening. Yelling... We all hear it... Then watch your children. Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?!!! Where are the parents. Does she have a parent?! Does this child have a parent?!... Family has to take responsibility. Miriam took responsibility. Miriam would've never let Moshe take all of the Kichel. The sisterhood should start their smack patrol... Because you don't parent. And she saw to it that he was fed by a Jewish woman. Redemption is birthed in compassion. There was no board at the river. No Michael as president... Why are you pacing? It’s a sermon... Shimon. The point in Shacharit isn’t to get in your steps. It’s an aisle. It’s not a track. Does Shimon have a parent?! Mrs. Feigelbaum. Why do you have cake with you... It's shul. It's Davening... I understand you're worried about the kids getting all of the bundt cake. But you have put on five dress sizes since you started coming to shul... It's the eating during services... Shimon is annoying too. But he's taking off weight with his Shacharit walking group... You’re not going to take off weight eating cookies and cake during services... The chair is not a coffee table. And you spill... Because it’s not a table. Your stuff falls off... We’re talking about catalysts. Catalysts for redemption. Not Botox... No. The Botox does not make you look better. It is horrendous. Nobody. No face has ever been redeemed from Botox. Let me repeat. Compassion takes involvement. His sister ensured Moshe drank the milk of a Jewish woman... This isn't a Kosher conversation. Your involvement in Kosher is annoying. No more Kosher conversations. You guys go off on it, as if you’re running the OU. You argue about Kosher. Do you keep it?! Compassion and responsibility. Keeping Kosher and not arguing about it. Fear of Gd and not Botox. (Shemot 1:21) And because they feared Gd, He made them houses. H' didn't commend them for wasting money on Botox with houses... Compassion on the children who are crying more from Botox than missing out Danish. Compassion brought about by fear of Gd is what houses are made from... There is no compassion here. There's no fear of Gd. Just Botox... The midwives, Yocheved and Miriam, had compassion. They didn’t kill the Jewish baby boys... You're stopping them from taking platters of Danish and rugulach seems to be killing them, Mrs. Feigelbaum. As we have seen, saving Jewish babies takes compassion in Middle Eastern culture. Because of that compassion (1:20) ‘the people increased and became very strong.’ May we be Zoyche to merit compassion in our world. It won't come from the board... They don't even know what year it is... No. It's not 2024. Fools. It's 5784. Rivka's Rundown The sisterhood takes the food off the kids' plates. They're right. The kids take too much. Sometimes it's just two kids who take the rugulach platters. They even take before Kiddish. And Mrs. Feigelbaum, with nothing to eat, is stuck trying to figure out what to do during the cantor's repetition of the Amidah. I've given up on eating any of the Kiddish cakes. By the time I get there, it's empty. And I am not about to go to the kids' table to get my pastries. The kids are just disgusting. They're filthy. I don't even think the parents shower these kids. And then they probably rub their hands in the Danish. We should designate the kids table as the pastry table. All of the cakes, cookies and rugulach end up there. The parents do nothing. MidSermon the kid was on the rabbi’s leg. One kid tackled Mrs. Feigelbaum for a chocolate chip cookie during Torah reading. The sisterhood wants to start a smack patrol to parent the children. I’m all for it. Somebody has to parent the children for the parents, so I can start eating chocolate Danish again. Shimon can’t stand still for a second. He was walking around the whole rabbi’s sermon. The rabbi had to make it clear that there was no need for anybody to be walking around, as it was not an appeal. The only appeal was for Shimon to sit. Shimon has signed up people for his morning walking group in shul. I show up and it feels like Simchat Torah. They just pace around the shul. One of the members insisted they carry the Torah, daily. He said, 'It is better than ankle weights. You get a great core workout as well.' It's not right to blame Mrs. Feigelbaum for everything. The men's section is full of spills all over the carpet. These guys come to Davening to eat. It’s like their Dunkin Donuts break from work. The chairs at Dunkin Donuts are not comfortable enough for them. They congregants think they look better with the injections. They look scarier with the Botox. Rafi, with his new lips is too much. My niece ran, screaming, ‘I’m being attacked by a rubber lips.' You bring up Kosher and everybody has their stories. It is so annoying to sit there for hours listening to all the complaints. The only real story is the one about the guy getting killed for saying something wasn't Kosher. Our congregants have taken that lesson to heart. You say something isn't Kosher and you're risking death. Which is why most of them eat regularly at Wendy's. People killing babies on purpose and chopping off heads is acceptable nowadays if it's against Israel. I think that was the rabbi's point at the end. That was the first time the rabbi didn't blame our shul for something. The rabbi saying that compassion takes involvement was the worst idea ever. Now, the shul has twelve new committees. A lot of involvement by annoying people who want more pastry at Kiddish. The rabbi was hoping they would start a committee to give him a raise. It turns out that none of the members of the shul are that compassionate. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYechi12/31/2023
Announcements
NitelNacht programs were a huge success. I think we had more people at shul on Xmas than they got at the churches. For New Year’s we will be hosting Selichot. We understand that many of you didn’t show up for Selichot to repent during Rosh Hashana Yom Kippur period. We figure most of you will at least celebrate this New Year’s correctly. We are allowing single people to not show to shul events anymore. It is awkward for everybody when Chaim shows to an event. Parents have to guard their children, and husbands have to cling onto their wives. We will try to find a place for single people in a community somewhere. It will happen. We think. We are just not sure Gd cares about them. If anybody wants to give Daniella a Bat Mitzvah gift, even though she doesn't deserve it because here parents didn't host anything decent, it is still a nice thing. We’re starting a charity fund for her parents. Parents Who Don’t Give a Kiddish. The Bris. That was a sight. We want to make it clear that Chaim was only there for the Mitzvah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Yaakov didn’t steal Yosef’s sons. He just said, ‘They will be to me’ (Bereishit 48:5)... Some grandparents are like that. They like the grandchildren and want them instead of the kids they birthed. I can understand. I know the congregants in this shul. In a moment of thought Yaakov says, (Bereishit 48:11) ‘I never expected to see your face, and behold Gd has shown me your children too.’ What a beautiful moment. It's like a prayer. Yaakov wants to see his family. When I’ve seen Bubbies and Zaydies in the shul, I’ve heard them say, ‘I hoped to never see your face again. But then Pesach came and we had to come in for the Seder...’ In life, we look back and we see these beautiful gifts Gd gave us. I see you here today and I am not thanking Gd for having to see your children running around the halls. Nobody is happy to see Chaim. Yes. We are amazed he is still single. Amazed and scared we have to see him in shul. You look back on family and the times you shared. Not Chaim. He wouldn't know... Not Chinese food on Xmas. Xmas is not a holiday. Chinese food isn't Jewish... Jews eat it. But it's not Jewish. No Jew living in Asia put together a Chinese cookbook. I know, because they would be selling it at the Jewish Book Festival. You guys come out for Chinese on Xmas, but you won’t come out for the second day of Pesach... Do you know what they used to do to our people on NitelNacht?... Not as bad as the board... New Year’s is not a Jewish holiday... I know more Jews celebrate it than Rosh Hashana. That’s why we are repenting this year. What you guys look back on. Yaakov would be blessing Yosef's kids over the Wag Festival... No. They weren't idol worshipers... Nothing makes Jewish sense. You’re like the single guy at Shabbat lunch. It was pathetic. You've got a married twenty year old, and then this thirty-five year old single guy... Can't talk to the guy about anything... Anything is school for the kids. The twenty year old you can talk to... (Bereishit 48:15-16) 'And he blessed Yosef.' Then it goes onto the Bracha of Hamalach Hagoel Oti. That’s about the kids. Efraim and Menashe. ‘...bless the lads.' We’re blessed through our children. If your children didn't run the halls all the time... Chaim . No real blessing. More awkward than singles is having to wish a Mazel Tov to the Bergsteins when they didn’t even sponsor a Kiddish for their daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Then what are we wishing a Mazel Tov for... You should give Daniella a gift. She should not be punished for her parents' cheapness. We should bless Daniella to not have to deal with her parents... Yaakov wasn't blessing Yosef's kids because he was a cheap parent. Yaakov wanted to give them a Brachas of redemption from bad stuff, and fertility... I don't know how Chaim would be blessed... The Bris was a Bracha. A Bracha and an uncomfortable situation for us all. Why Chaim was there... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi spoke about the gift of family. How beautiful?! Family that is not related to anybody in our congregation. If you are not related to members of our shul, that's a blessing. The way these guys love NitelNacht in our shul, you would think they wanted to burn the shul down. There are no Jewish Chinese cookbooks. That was the most profound point of this week's Drasha. Our congregation now messes up every Jewish holiday with what Americans do. They thought Halloween was Purim. One of them even dunked a candy chocolate egg in the salt water on Pesach. Chaim would have no idea what love meant. He's just happy to see Rugulach at Kiddish. That was the saddest experience. Being the single guy at Shabbat lunch. Seeing him around married 20 year olds who got to sit at the adult table. Everybody looking at him like he’s a loser. Why is he even Jewish? The board is meeting to see if he should just give up. Daniella Bergstein's Bat Mitzvah was amazing. No Kiddish. Nobody gave gifts. The parents were mad nobody gave gifts. They were also mad to see the small turnout. What do you expect? Nobody is coming to wish you a Mazel Tov, unless if they're mourning. If they're mourning, they might pop in to wish you a Mazel Tov. They can't stick around for the food anyway. They started a Daniella's Gifts charity. It raised a lot of money, and they gave the gift to somebody other kid whose parents aren't cheap and sponsored a Kiddish for their tenth birthday. The people who gave to the charity insisted they get something out of it. We have to have more private Brises. Brises that single people are banned from. Brises where you can give a real Bracha. Like a Bracha of not having to see any of the congregants of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. A bunch of heretics. I appreciate our rabbi’s message so much. I felt like I was at a comedy show where the comedian just mocks the way the people look. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYigash12/24/2023
Announcements
We still care about Israel. Thought people should be reminded. The Bergstein Bat Mitzah will have Kichel. That’s it. Even though they are not paying for anybody to enjoy themselves, the Bergsteins said they’re proud of their daughter. The rabbi will be giving a course in Israel Advocacy. He asks that Bernie not come. Anything Bernie represents will not be good. People will hate it. As advocacy is supposed to be positive for Israel, the rabbi is urging only non-members of the congregation to come. To quote: ‘I believe it will be better for Israel if people advocating are people that are liked. Members of our shul are urged to not speak out on behalf of Israel. We gave seen the hatred you have already caused in our community.’ Asarah BTevet is a fast day. You fast on it. The youth leader wants to apologize for the kids coming into shul before Kiddish. They didn’t mean to shock the congregation with youth. She said that she will do her job and keep the children from praying anything more than Adon Olam and Yigdal out of a book with pictures. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Yehuda came to Yosef... If you came to me with a normal question, I wouldn’t be mad... Yehuda's question is legitimate. Please don't bring up the Bar Mitzvah boy who's still leading in Anim Zemirot. Will we ever get another child to learn the prayer?... (Bereishit 45:1) ‘Yosef couldn’t hold himself back.’ And so he asked everybody to leave and he revealed himself to his brothers.... No. He didn’t ask them to leave because he wanted to beat up on Dan with nobody watching. He didn’t want a fight. This isn’t a board meeting. He wanted to let his brothers know it was him... When Michael Menachem says, ‘Hold me back,’ it’s pathetic. Who are you going to hurt with your two column Hagba?!... Yosef couldn’t hold himself back from crying. He had a heart. He wasn't on the shul board. It was because Yehuda showed he cared. (Bereishit 44:34) ‘For how can I go up to my father and the youth is not with me, lest I see the evil that I have brought upon my father.’ Do any of you care? The evil that you have brought upon me... And he cried. (Bereishit 45:2) Everybody heard his cry. It was loud. You can’t hide real emotion. I know Sarah Rachel hasn't emoted since she married Baruch Moshe... It was more like a Faiga Bayla cry. When she's trying to get her parent's attention, everybody hears that. (45:3) They were ‘disconcerted.’ Rashi teaches the brothers were embarrassed. You would be embarrassed... Yes. He told them to not feel bad for selling to slavery to die. And you guys can’t get over a sermon I gave about a cat that needed healing... A sick cat that I cared for. So, my Drasha about the cat wasn't long enough. And you're still disconcerted that I didn't show enough empathy. I sent the cat to the vet... You did nothing. You sat in the shul and said, 'The rabbi should've done more in his sermon.' I took the cat to the vet. Is that not enough? Is a sermon more important than the action... You haven’t said a thing about Israel since you got your raise. You forgot about our brothers and sisters. I give sermons about Israel and crying for our brothers and sisters. Are you disconcerted for our people?!... Like Yosef, I cry a loud cry when I have to answer your questions. The secretaries hear it. The pain I suffer... Another annoying question. You fast on fast days. That’s why they’re called a fast days. You fast on a it.. No. I don’t know what happened on Asarah BTevet. It’s a fast. So you fast... You remember stuff on fast days. You remember our people. The destruction of the Beit Hamikdash... Do you even remember what happened on Simchat Torah... If it doesn't have to do with football, you don't remember it. Ever since you got your raise and got season tickets... Did Yehuda truly care? He didn’t want to see the evil he caused. He cared about himself... Maybe there wouldn’t be an Asarah BTevet if we cared about each other. Maybe advocated every once in a while. If you would care for each other the way I cared about the cat. Maybe if people paid for Bat Mitzvahs so others could enjoy themselves... Can we have the Bat Mitzvah up here... Why are the kids in shul again? Do we not pay a youth leader to not have to see them?! Got to keep them out till after Adon Olam... No. They should not be Davening. Kids come to shul so we don’t have to see them. And now we see Daniella. We are proud of you. Your parents may not be. All they bought for Kiddish is Kichel. Though your parents don’t care about you, I do. Someday, approach your parents and ask them to pay for a Kiddish. It starts now. In the end, they won’t chip in for your wedding... Trust me. They wouldn’t even chip in for a pasta salad last shul picnic... Rivka's Rundown The congregation has truly forgot about everything going on Israel. They’re more worried about football. The Monarchs are what they're concerened about. The football match of the Monarchs vs the Rochester Raging Rhinos. Professional non-American football is big in Topeka. Point: Everybody forgot what happened on Simchat Torah already. They're too involved in the Monarchs. 'Is a sermon more important than the action?' Yes it is, rabbi. The course on Israeli Advocacy was not attended by any of our congregants. The rabbi said that was better for Israel. The Bat Mitzvah was enjoyed by the parents. That’s it. It was the worst Bat Mitzvah Kiddish. It was just Kichel. I was sitting there watching a bunch of old Jews teething. She got no gifts. In retrospect, that made most of the congregation happy. I was happy I didn't have to get her anything. The only one that seemed not happy was Daniella. And she even gave a Bat Mitzvah speech about being the only kid on her block to not have a bike growing up. The kids in our shul are pathetic. We have Bar Mitzvah boy leading Anim Zemirot. He's fourteen. You don't lead Anim Zemirot when you're over Bar Mitzvah. It's supposed to be a child. It makes the prayer more meaningful when a five year old who doesn't understand it does, than when a fourteen year old who doesn't understand it leads. Are they legitimate kids? We don’t even know. They're crazy. I can tell you that. Seeing them in shul causes panic. We all know they can’t lead Anim Zemirot. It’s been the same kid for eight years. When the illegitimate Bar Mitzvah is not there, the Chazin leads. That’s an extra twenty minutes. The kids are crazy. They scare the adults. This is why they don't learn how to lead Anim Zemirot. Their parents are scared of them. They know that if they teach them something, the kids will get child services over to the house. Kids came in too early. They came in before Anim Zemirot. People were shocked. Panic set in. It was as if they were worried about nursery school hoodlums taking over the shul with their lollypops. Shaking down the rabbi for more Fizzers and sour sticks. The fact they had to announce you fast on a fast day which took place on Friday. That is messed up. Mid-Drasha, the rabbi got questions about how not to eat. The rabbi spent twenty minutes during his Drasha explaining what a fast day is. The congregants were shocked. 'How to fast without bagels???!' The rabbi explained how you eat the bagels after the fast. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Miketz12/17/2023
Announcements
Next year, the board will not host the shul Chanukah party. As we have seen, they truly ruin a good time. We will be sure the president doesn’t show up, so everybody can enjoy themselves. We are sorry that the president thought that congregants should pay dues. And it was a Chutzpah to ask people to pay the suggested donation. The president does not understand community. He does not understand the importance of people not having to pay. He doesn't understand what enjoyment of membership truly is. His understanding of ‘membership’ is off. Our members should not have to feel like they should pay membership dues. The Bergstein Bat Mitzvah is next week. Daniella Bergstein’s parents have stated that they won’t host a Kiddish, as they want to enjoy their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. And they will not enjoy if they have to pay for anything. The rabbi will be giving a class on when to give money to Shnurers. Topics addressed include: If the Shnurer has a credit card machine. If a Shnurer tells you they have three kids and five of them are getting married. If the Shnurer has more money than you, can you charge the Shnurer and consider that your Tzedakah. The shul does not need your shrubs that you don’t want. Your trash cannot be brought to the shul... We beg. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... (Bereishit 41:15-16) Paroh asks Yosef to interpret his dreams and Yosef responds, ‘This is beyond me. H’ will answer the welfare of Paroh.’ And our Gabai thinks he knows the correct traditions for the shul... It's beyond you. Accept it. That's why you got gifts the kids didn't want. You took it into your own hands. He thinks that kids want Silly Putty for Chanukah... It’s not a gift Yankel. One of the kids had a dream he would get a really bad gift for Chanukah and it came true... Silly Putty?! You literally interpreted his dream... They wanted a drone. Instead. They got seven plastic eggs with goo. You are Paroh. And it’s beyond you... Well. To them, you're Paroh. You give Paroh gifts. The problem is the ego on our shul’s board. Yosef says the interpretation is up to H’. And our board make decisions as to how to decorate the sanctuary... Will we ever get rid of the community quilt... You put a blanket over the ark... It’s a quilt. A quilt is a blanket. I had a dream that the Aron, the ark, would be covered in something totally wrong... I had a dream people wouldn’t pay dues. And it happened. I also had a dream that seven little bushes would be dropped off at the shul, so that people wouldn’t have to call sanitation to dispose of their trees... Yes. It came true. The trees by the back door, are not planted into the blacktop. They're trash that... The word for 'welfare' used is 'Shalom'... Paroh's welfare is seen to once his dreams are interpreted. When you know something bad is going to happen, it brings peace to you. If I would’ve known I would have the curse of dealing with a board, I would be at peace... ‘This is beyond me...’ I have heard this from every member of the congregation. Every time you don't want to help. How many people said this when they didn't want to help fry the latkes for the Chanukah party... But Yosef still helped. Stop with excuses... When I say 'this is beyond me,' I am saying that I don't understand a thing that is happening in this congregation. Because the people here are messed up... It's not beyond you to help... H' can make latkes. But you can help. You can be a catalyst. You’re literally a party pooper. Our president is a pooper... You were asking people to pay their dues at the party... Of course they won’t pay for the Chanukah party. That’s why they come to shul. To not have to pay for anything and for their kids to enjoy a bouncy house... If you gave them decent gifts on Chanukah, they wouldn't be Shnuring... Yes. Shnurers have credit cards nowadays. Ever done business. You need a credit car machine. We don't need a nursery. We're not birthing kids here... A nursery school, we need... Little shrubbery doesn't need a school at our shul... (41:25) As Yosef tells Paroh, ‘The dream of Paroh is one dream...’ Everything in this shul is one bad incident. One messed up situation... One bad dream. If you would just see my wisdom, you would let me get rid of the Gabai and the president. Rivka's Rundown The community quilt is still there. The Schwartzs asked for the quilt, so their kid could get good sleep. They like the size of the Aron cover for the king size bed they got their kid. The rabbi just wanted to go off on the Gabai for messing up the Mishebeyrach. Somebody said ‘for the rabbi too,’ and the Gabai just said 'HaRav' without his name. You bless the rabbi correctly or he will sermonize about you. The Gabai does make too many decisions. If he just let H' call people up to the Torah, nobody would be mad at him.. The rabbi is giving a required class on gift giving this coming Kislev. He is also going to teach gift giving as part of the required education in the conversion course. He said that decent gifts is a prerequisite for Shalom. Gift giving and getting rid of the shul president. I don't believe we've had a shul program without a bouncy house in twelve years. People come to shul for the bouncy house. If they had got the bouncy Bima, you would have more people in shul on Shabbat. A bouncy Bima and Kiddish. That would draw people. The rabbi wrote the announcement about the shul board ruining a good time. The president asking people to pay is a real downer. Nobody in our shul enjoys anything if it’s not for free. It doesn't take much to figure that out. Chabad figured that out. Any congregant that pays for anything does not smile. When they pay for anything, they're mad. I have never seen a happy face at a family party. If you’ve ever seen our congregants hosting their family for a Bar Mitzvah, you would see a bunch of smug angry faces on the Baalei Simcha. The only time they smile is when they get a check. If they give a gift that is not cash to their child, depression sets in. All the members who didn't pay dues voted to get rid of the president. And the Bergsteins won't pay for a Kiddish. We have the cheapest membership. The Shnurers are coming around with credit card machines now. Like they’re selling me something. These Shnurers should be paying dues. They are pulling in so much. They should Shnur from our members and pay dues for them. That would be a way to finally get membership paid for. It's a scam. No idea what they're collecting for. They have a picture of a cousin in Israel and a credit card machine on their wrist. If they have that, the rabbi said it's legitimate. They're Frum Shnurers. The guy dropped off a whole nursery at the shul. Not kids. It was an orchard. They cut it and brought it to the shul and dropped it off. They couldn’t leave it on their front lawn for the town to take it. They just left it in back of shul. They had to 'beg' in the announcements. They've told people the shul is not the place for their garbage, countless times. They understand people will do it anyways. The rabbi had to host a prayer service to beseech Gd for people to stop dropping off their trash at shul. I believe it was a donation of Chanukah bushes from one of the heretics in the shul. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The Chanukah Gala program will include a Chinese Auction. It will also include latkes and a Dreidel gambling circle. All children are expected to attend. They should all have a Dreidel experience. Parent Child Learning this week will include a psychologist, a social worker and a representative from child services. We have noticed a lot of parents who are not impressed with their children’s Gemara skills. We remind you that the children are only in elementary school. They still have not learned Rashi script. Please don’t make Shlomo look bad again. Our children are dependent on a decent Secret Shlomo this year. To quote the kids at youth group last Shabbat: ‘We are not expecting anything decent from our parents. Their gifts are pathetic. We are praying that Secret Shlomo loves us more than our parents and buys us decent gifts.' Rosh Chodesh is Wednesday. Please show up to shul. We understand it’s a long Davening. Please don’t pretend like you’re sick again. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... VaYeshev... He wasn’t just sitting. Yaakov wasn’t lazy like the president of our board... Did you settle Israel? No. Exactly. Yaakov settled in the land of his fathers... Far Rockaway is a good area too. (Bereishit 37:14) Yosef is told by his father to check on his brother’s 'Shalom.' He went for peace. Kind of like the way I came to the shul. The way I was hired as rabbi. At the time, I didn’t know there would be a Gabai and a president... (37:17) The man Yosef sees in Shechem tells him his brothers went to Dotan. The Midrash teachs that Dotan comes from the word ‘Dat’ which means law... I know it means religion in modern Hebrew... Because there are laws, Bernie. If you kept the Mitzvot, you would understand our religion is about keeping laws. Not driving to shul on Shabbis... 'Law' meaning ‘they are seeking legal advice to put you to death'... How many religious people have died? A lot, Bernie. Yosef's brothers were looking to find a legal way to kill him... I have nothing to do with the last president that we have not seen in many years... You can’t have Shalom and judgement together. You can’t have a kind rabbi who loves the people and a shul board... We need peace. We need honesty. We need a simple shul that does stuff right, unlike our board. We need a reason to not judge each other... You guys mess up so much. You lie. You ruin Chanukah... You weren’t sick. We saw you shopping at the mall and working out... You just didn’t want to go to Davening. There is no Shalom if there is no Minyin. If we can't pray together... I can't pray with Bernie and Merv because they're chuching the whole time... You overdo everything. A Gala? What is the gala? Latkes do not make a gala. And a Chinese auction??? Why not call it a raffle... It’s offensive to Chinese people. Shalom with the Asian community... You guys jump the gun with your children. Take it easy... Why don’t you learn how to learn Sam?! Before yelling at your kid for not knowing the Sugiah of Shnaim Ochzin, maybe you should stop fighting over Tallises with people. If you want Shalom, maybe you'll stop whacking people with the tassels. Learn how to put on the thing... The brothers see Yosef and say 'let’s kill him, or buy him really bad gifts'... It’s the same thing. Getting a Rubik’s Cube for Chanukah... Who is Rubik?! How about you buy better gifts for your kids... Nobody knew that Shlomo secretively buys really bad gifts. If you buy your children decent gifts they’ll love you. They will not want to kill you... That's why they yell all the time. Bad gifts. I feel abused by you. The gifts you give me are so pathetic. If family services came to this shul, they would take me away to another shul... And the Dreidel. Now we have eight year olds showing up to gamblers anonymous. (37:17) The man thus began by teling Yosef, ‘They have journeyed on from here.’ Rashi teaches, ‘They have left themselves from brotherhood.’ There is no peace here. Yosef was looking for peace. He found really bad gifts. He found a congregation who hosts gala events with a Rukik's Cube as a prize... A gym membership would be a good gift, if our members used it to get in shape and not skip shul... Rivka's Rundown It’s pathetic how the members have to pretend that they’re sick to not show up to shul. The Gala event had a bouncy house. That is what constitutes class in our shul. I believe churches and synagogues have Chinese auction to keep Asians from converting. We had a Chinese Auction to offend Asians. The rabbi wants Shalom with the Asian community of Topeka. He told them that Chinese is another word for raffle. Now we have a few new members from Beijing. We have a lot of gambling addicts in our shul. And they wonder why. I told them to stop with the Dreidel. Why AA and GA are always in churches is an anomoly. Saint Catheran's has more Jews from our shul going there for gamblers anonymous than we see on Shabbis. If we had GA in our shul and the Minyin saw them, there is no way anybody would be anonymous. If Shirley saw them, everybody would know. Nobody showed up to Parent Child Learning. The parents want to help their kids advance too much. They have aspirations for their children, and that means abuse. At least it means a lot of crying. Kids cry when their parents have hope, and they give bad gifts. Parents were worried they would have to deal with their kids crying about the Chanukah gifts. And child services would break up families due to lack of electronics. A lot of screaming at shul. Believing your child is smart is abusive. Unless if you give them drones. Decent gifts do equal love. That was what the rabbi was teaching us. Even if your parents are broke, if they love you, they’ll buy a good gift. The shul apologized for the Secret Shlomo. From now on, they will not trust the congregants with gift giving. There is a lot of hatred in our shul. Not much Shalom. I don't even hear 'Shabbat Shalom.' They just say 'Good Shabbis' now. People judging each other in our shul is well deserved. If we can find a way to ligellay take action against people paying dues, that will be appreciated. People literaly hit others with their Tallis. There is no legal justification for that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
You can make reservations for the shul Chanukah party by contacting the office. Do not bother the president. He is an angry person. The shul Secret Shlomo will have certain gifts that are not allowed. Due to how bad your gift choices have been the past many years, here is a list of gifts you can’t give that the rabbi will discuss at Temporary Halacha Class: The paddle with a ball attached, socks you stitched, sweaters you knitted, chocolate coins that are dairy... The Mikvah cleaning project will start this Wednesday at 2pm. We want to thank the sisterhood for organizing the event. It’s promised to be an exciting day of cleaning. No more giving Divrei Torah without consent. Many congregants have been complaining about abuse at Kiddish, having to hear Torah thoughts while eating herring. We hired a rabbi for a reason. Divrei Torah are relegated to sermon. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Yes. You are my people. You mess up. But you're my people. My flock... You give gifts. It’s part of making peace. Shalom. That’s what Yaakov gave Esav, to appease him. Something. You give something. You try. You pay your dues every once in a while... (Bereishit 32:14) ‘And he took from what came to his hand, a tribute to Esav.’ You can give me from your house. A nice vase. A coffee table. A lawnmower. Nobody gives gifts here. That’s why there are always fights in the shul... I understand you’re the Gabai. If you gave a gift instead of an Aliyah, they would like you. If you gave them a Sudoku puzzle pad... I don’t even get Chanukah gifts from you. That's why I don't like you. That's why I can't stand the board... Maybe a raise. That’s a gift... Yaakov seperated the gifts. It’s more exciting. That’s why you give gifts each noight of Chanukah. That’s why your kids don’t like Judaisim. Bad gifts... If Yaakov gave Esav chocolate coins, he’d hate Jews more... Dairy chocolate coins. Not even the dark chocolate ones. This is what you give. I have never opened a dairy chocolate coin and not had it melted before it was in my mouth... Licking your fingers like Bernie flipping a page in the Siddur is disgusting... Chocolate coins are not a gift. They're not even money. I learned that the hard way. You feel like a fool when you're ten years old, trying to buy a Slurpee with chocolate coins... Slurpees would be a better gift. I would be happy with oxen. Camels... Yaakov plans his meeting with Esav. Yaakov seperates his family. There would be more peace in shul if we seperated the shul... We should split the shul. Unimportant ones first... I am sending you away from me... I would have sent the president first. A very angry person You have never made plans before in your life... Every Chanukah program, you show up and you expect a spot. Kids have went without latkes because of you... Because they didn't make the twenty extra latkes you devour Menachem... Your Chanukah gifts are not a plan. Unless if that plan is to make people unhappy. Socks you stitched are not a gift. They fall every time... because there is no elastic in them. I need a rubber band to keep it up... No. Rubber bands don't look good. And knitting a sweater?! This isn't Christmas... No. You shouldn’t Shnur. You should pay for the Chanukah event. The only thing you plan is to not help. You never help. Will you show up for the Mikvah cleaning project? No. It’s a project. You don’t have to be a woman to show. The sisterhood is not just for women. Do you men show up to men’s club events? No. Exactly... Maybe help by not giving Divrei Torah... Beacuse your Torah thoughts are messed up... Quote Rashi and don't respond. Just quote Rashi and Ramban in Hebrew. No English translation. Nobody needs your commentary about how the Mikvah should be clean and how you shouldn't have to help. Nobody needs your commentary about how to give bad gifts... It's a fight with you guys. It's a struggle... A struggle to make Jewish life a decent thing here. (32:25-30) Yaakov wrestles with the angel... We don't even wrestle here. Yaakov understands that life is about struggle. Wrestling. With you as congregants, it's a struggle. You give no energy... I’m not here to fight with you. Yaakov fights with the angel all night. I am ready to take on any one of you until I get a decent gift... He gets the name Israel. I feel like the people of our shul should be called lazy... Rivka's Rundown Bernie changing pages in the Siddur is the most disgusting sight I have ever seen. I believe it would be better if he spat into a tissue. Even that would be disgusting. I think the reason Bernie can't change the pages anymore is his Siddur's pages are all stuck. Thanks to Bernie and his caustionary tale about phlegm, the children of our synagogue don't smoke. Nobody in our shul has ever made reservations for anything. I don’t know why we have reservation as an option. I’m surprised Bar Mitzvahs have guests with table cards. There is no way our congregants are RSVPing. The sisterhood organized the cleaning project. They didn't show up. Nonbody showed to the Mikvah cleaning. They thought that if it was a sisterhood event people would show. They also though that if cleaning is involved, they should not show. At least the Mikvah is not dirtier. You can try to advertise cleaning as fun. 'Exciting' doesn't get people to come if cleaning is involved. If the rabbi ever asks people to help clean at Kiddish again, we will lose all the congregants. An exciting day of bouncy house jumping. That would draw people to clean the Mikvah. At least to the Mikvah. To clean it, that might not happen. Dvar Torahs need consent. That is the greatest decision our board has made since the founding Avot and Imahot of our sul. The Dvar Torahs as given over by our membershiop are a form of abuse in our shul. People use Divrei Torah to express their political opinions about Trump. How they compared Esav to Trump at Kiddish this week with such ease, it just flows out of their mouths. The shul president is a very angry person. That's true. He has to listen to every Dvar Torah the congregants give. It's painful. Chanukah in shul is not enjoyable. I agree with the rabbi. No good gifts. This is why there are so many fights in shul, and everybody hates the Gabai. If you know Bernie will never give you anything decent, why should you be nice to him?! Take his seat in shul. There are no repercussions. Just phlegm. A bar of chocolate would be better than chocolate coins. And then I have that stuff stuck in my fingers all week. After I open a chocolate coin, I have to go to the manicure to deload the chocolate from my nails. I am never satisfied from the chocolate, because half of it I can't get to. And I won't start biting my nails. The basic point is that the rabbi is expecting gifts from the congregants this Chanukah. Each night. The proposal of seperating the shul for peace was taken very well by all members. I believe they realize they won't have to listen to Ruchel Sarah's Divrei Torah anymore. Did the rabbi just challenge the president to a fight?! I believe he called it a fisticuffs. I don't know anybody under eighty who has said that. He challenged the president to a fight in the 1930s. The next shul event is MMA. It's called the Yisrael Wars. We've pinned up the president vs the rabbi on the poster. If the president shows up with a decent gift with oxen, the rabbi said he will call off the fight. Rabbi said this is the season of miracles. I think he’s been watching Hallmark. I’ve also gotten into the holiday shows and Santa. Later on the rabbi qualified his statement, 'If this is the season of miracles, nobody will get one of those rackets with a ball attached from Bernie this year... They stay attached for a minute... I am not sure even H' can cause the ball to stay attached to the racket with that rubber band. Those rubber bands are just as bad as the ones our congregants use on their socks.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYeitzei11/26/2023
Announcements
Any misspelling, in all issues of the Kibbitzer, is the Gabai’s fault. We apologize for the Kristallnacht program last week. The speaker only realized later on that his house catching on fire was not the same as a Germans burning it. Though he hates Florida, he wants to make it clear. He didn’t mean to blame Ron DeSantis for Kristallnacht. No more banging the tables for Rosh Chodesh. We have a Yaaleh vYavo sign. That’s enough. Kids are now scared to come to shul because of your Clopping the table. We are also asking Shlomo to pay for the damages done to the Bima table. We want to commend all community members that went to the rally for Israel. We also want to thank all of those that stayed here for sharing their excuses for the past two weeks. For those who went to the rally, the flag blanket Tallis look is beautiful. Howeverץ We are asking you wear a suit on Shabbat. Proper Shabbat Israel Solidarity Dress: A pin. A Sheytel. A Kippah. A suit. Slacks. A Tallis. A tie would be nice. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... (Bereishit 29:1) ‘Yaakov lifted his feet and went toward the eastern lands...’ You have to put in effort, Yankel. You as well, Sarah Faiga... Pinchas. You will never meet anybody if you stay in Topeka. You have to go East. To New York... Effort. A little effort. You have to work... You have to pick up your feet. Lift them. Everybody. Lift your feet... Don't stand Bernie. Just lift your feet. It's like physical therapy for useless congregants... I understand that none of the congregants here work. They definitely don’t help... You guys show up to shul so late. You walk so slow. None of you lift your feet. You drag. The problem is you drag... Rashi says Yaakov was able to move because he felt Gd was with him. So his heart lifted his feet... Changes are hard. Dealing with the board of this shul is hard. If you saw somebody attractive, you would lift your feet. You would help clean the Mikvah... It’s disgusting. I have yet to have seen Shloimy shower before entering that thing. And you guys put your Keilim in there.. The spoons you stick into your soup, full of Shloimy. The spoons that go into your mouth. It's disgusting. Clean the Mikvah. Effort. And Shloimy. Shower before you go into the thing... It takes physical effort. Yaakov rolls the rock off the well... He wasn’t lazy. He helped with Kiddish. And he worked out. You guys are so out of shape. There is a reason you don’t feel Gd is with you. He isn’t... The only effort you put into anything is hitting the table on Rosh Chodesh. You scare the kids. You put in too much effort... He didn’t hit the rock off the well. It wasn't Rosh Chodesh. Rosh Chodesh Clopping was scary. The families ran. They got frightened. They thought there was a fight. Or the Bima broke... You attacked the Bima. You broke the the table... What are you bringing up the Holocaust for?... You’re an idiot. You don’t equate anything with the Holocaust. It wasn't a Kristallnacht event. It was a left-wing political opinion... You took Kristallnacht and turned it against republicans... Are you an idiot? You blamed Ron DeSantis for your house burning and all of the synagogues burning... It wasn’t global warming. This has nothing to do... If Baruch Pichas Clopped your house, it would’ve been destroyed... You had to lift your feet tot go to the rally for Israel. Always an excuse. never responsible. You didn’t got to the rally... You say you wanted to. No excuses... Work?! You're an accountant. It's not even tax season... Pinchas. You probably would’ve met a girl at the rally. A girl from New York... It's time to fold up the flags... You're in shul. Your solidarity can be holding a flag. You don’t have to wear it... How do pajamas show solidarity with Israel?! A tie would be nice... I know they don’t wear them in Israel. It would be a way of showing you care. A way of not looking like a shlump... Rivka's Rundown People were mad this week when the rabbi started giving sermons again. They shouted, 'We came to shul for Kiddish.' They were still in the Israel rally spirit. In solidarity with Israel the rabbi gave no speech for Chayei Sarah and Toldot. Chayei Sarah. The rabbi just said, ‘Go to the Rally.’ That's all the rabbi said. It was the most powerful message he ever gave. I think the only one people heard. To be exact, I believe he said, 'You're heretics. Go to the rally or you're not Jewish.' At Kiddish on Chaeyi Sarah, the rabbi told the single people at our shul to not marry each other. 'As Avraham made Eliezer vow to find a decent wife from Charan, you should not marry anybody from Topeka. Nobody here is decent. It's like living amongst a bunch of Canaanites.' On Parshat Toldot, he told everybody that when Moshe Stern said Ruchel is his sister he was telling the truth. Finally, the Shadchans stopped trying to set them up. Our congregants put no effort into anything. Last year's Chanukah party was just sour cream. No latkes to put it on. No latkes. No sufganiot. Just sour cream and jelly. Nobody was willing to fry. Too much work. I am happy the rabbi called out Sarah Faiga. And Pinchas. It’s pathetic. Stays in Topeka. Is he looking to meet a bubbie. They're lazy. The truth is the rabbi was going off on all the congregants because he wants a better Kiddish. Only two people help prepare it. And the way things stand, there will be no latkes or sufganiot this year either. The rabbi would’ve listed everyone in the congregation, but he wanted to get a Shabbis shluf. The whole Kristallnacht program was offensive. The guy turned Kristallnacht into a chance to go off on Ron DeSantis. I was fine with that. I just don't believe Ron DeSantis burned synagogues or Jewish books. I think the speaker got off track when they started yelling, 'I hate Trump.' I showed up to show respect for our ancestors and to commemorate Kristallnacht. The speaker is now running for town council. And they shouldn't have called it a program. It's too close to Pogrom. It should be a Kristallnacht ceremony. Even that doesn't sound good. Nobody wants to relive that. A commemoration is the right word. I will tell the Federation. He broke the Bima with his Clopp. It was vicious. I wouldn’t want to be in that guys house. He definitely wasn’t reminding people to say Yaaleh VYavo, unless if he was trying to remind them to say it under attack. I think Baruch Pinchas is just an angry dad. Come to think of it, maybe he was mad about having to say Yaaleh VYavo. He probably misses it a lot and has to repeat the Shemonah Esrei (Amida). Each time you forget to say it, you have to repeat it. That can be frustrating. I once did eight Yaaleh VYavos on Rosh Chodesh. He was probably banging the table real hard, saying, 'This is how you remind people, so they don't have to repeat it. I was stuck in shul for three hours last month. Repeating and repeating!!!' The support for Israel dress code the shul put out was to try to get people to look decent for services. One guy showed up in shorts and sandals and said ‘They do this in Israel.’ The rabbi responded, ‘That is the only form of solidarity you have shown.’ This week they showed up in pajamas again. The rabbi reminded the guy that he could've shown up to the rally in DC. They're really are lazy. The congregation wants hostages free. But our congregants have a hard time saying Tehillim. They say it's too much work. Most of them can’t even read Hebrew. A bunch of selfish lazy congregants. When it comes to having the congregation sit threw their list of Mishebeyrachs on Shabbat morning... Some of them pull out lists of third cousins. And then they include the officers of the shul. Leave the rabbi and the officers of the shul out. Nobody is saying Amen to the pain you put us through. I say no more Aliyahs to the Torah. If we have to sit threw their Mishebeyrachs. If they did a Mishebeyrach for the hostages, like real Manschim, I would be all in. Instead, it's a blessing for their child doing third grade math in kindergarten at the local Jewish day school that costs twenty-five thousand dollars a year. And I know they're doing third grade math because that got brought into the Mishebeyrach. 'My daughter who is doing third grade math in kindergarten.' We always have to here about Samantha and Tuvi's kids. And why the local day school is twenty-five thousand with only four kids a class. There are things I can't explain. The Mikvah is disgusting. Hasn’t been cleaned in years. People are leaving boxes at the Mikvah now. You have boxes and Shloimy's whatever. If somebody isn’t tasked with helping people for money, they don’t do it. Not our congregation. They asked the rabbi what 'shlump' means. He pointed to Shloimy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Vayera11/5/2023
Announcements
Shul security will be run by Mendel. The fist Yad is here. The finger will be a fist. Due to the number of ripped Tallises, the rabbi has made the decision to only use fists as fingers. Please show up for the shul’s unveiling of the fist Torah pointer fist. It will not be violent. The Tallis folding has been off. Placement as well. The rabbi will be giving a class this week on how to fold and place a Tallis properly on a shelf. Also, how to not make a mess of Tallises by throwing them. The rabbi will also teach people how to pick up their plate and put it in the trash, by not leaving their plate out for Rachel Bracha. No more slowing down Kaddish. People want to stop saying Amen for Mark's dad, due to the bothersome nature of Mark's voice and speed. Kippah clips are now required for funerals on windy days. Too many Kippas have flown into graves this fall. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... (Bereishit 18:18-19) H’ says, ‘All the nations of the world will be blessed through Avraham for I have known that he commands his sons and his daughters and his house after him that they should keep the ways of H’, of righteousness and justice...' Nobody is being blessed through this congregation. Our one Kohen doesn't even know how to split his fingers correctly... It's about passing on the ideal of righteousness... Mitzvot?! You don't even know how to show up to a funeral correctly. Kippot were flying all over. Learn how to wear a Yarmulke on a windy day. It's like Sedom and Amora... It's about Tzadikim. That's what brings Bracha to the world. Let's talk about righteous people and passing on righteousness. Tzadik here?! Would H’ have saved the world if our congregation was the people that were left… No. I don’t believe we have a Tzadik here. Would Topeka be saved if it was up to our congregation?! A Tzadik wouldn't make Rachel Bracha clean after them every Kiddish... No. It's not her job. She's just not annoying... You don't even pay dues... That would help pay for cleaning services... Only person who has ever offered to help is Moishe Pinchas. He offered and then left his plate on the table and walked right out... Why? Because Rachel said to him that he can help with cleaning up the plates. He just stood up and walked out. He figured, 'If that's the case, I need to get out of here fast.' Have you seen the kids' table?!... Her name is Rachel Bracha because she is the only one in this shul that hasn't been a curse... Mendel is not somebody you want running security. If Mendel was running security in Sedom and Amora, nobody would’ve been saved. Why is everybody up in arms about a fist pointing to the Torah. It's to protect Tallises... Mendel should see the Yad and learn how to defend himself. The fist is more powerful than the finger. The Torah is our strength... This isn't a Kong Fu movie. Mendel would've never starred as Le Roy in The Last Dragon. He definitely can’t defend the shul... A Tzadik wouldn't make everybody wait for their Kaddish Mark... No. Everybody loves your dad. It's you. Nobody likes you... Seichel. That’s what we’re talking about. If you had Seichel, you might act right. Who puts the Tallis on the side of the table?... Of course, it slides off. Your Kippah flew into the grave… Clips. Seichel. A hat is fine… Your Kippah fell off into the grave. It's in the hole… No. You shouldn't have jumped in after it... Maybe it was meant to be... Rivka's Rundown Mendel decided that the best way to run the security team is to have a committee. To quote: ‘You don’t have security without a committee.’ And then nothing happened, and nobody was trained. But they had meetings about how the shul needs security. So, I question if the shul can have Brachas with Mendel. The rabbi initiated a windy day funeral dress code. New funeral dress code for windy days includes Kippah clips, hats, and coats that have a working zipper. I don't believe that any member of our congregation has ever fixed a zipper. Nor has anyone every resown a button. Their button breaks and they're walking around with a flapping trench coat connected on the bottom. Hats that are not allowed are derbies. Nobody wanted derbies at their funeral. A discussion was had, and nobody in our congregation likes them. He jumped into the grave. His Kippah flew off and his immediate response was to jump in with the coffin. The rabbi had to stop some of the congregants from shoveling the dirt. We had one guy that was extremely intent on shoveling the stuff fast. His intensity involved in his dirt movement was astonishing. I think he truly did not like Fishel. Fishel was a good man, but that guy was real happy to see him go fast. Since, the rabbi started giving out Kippah clips and hats to bald people. Got the Fist Yad. All leftwing people left the shul in protest. They left the shul due to the Torah pointer offending them. They said that seeing a fist represented rightwing. Now people are not allowed to close their hands in shul, due to membership sensitivity. The Torah is our strength was a beautiful lesson. Though the rabbi made clear it is our greatest weapon against evil, thank Gd nobody in our shul is strong enough to lift a Torah as weapon. That guy at Fishel's funeral would've used it on him if he had a chance. He just left the Tallis on the side of the table and walked. It slipped off before he placed it. There is no way he didn't see it fall. He just figured, he shouldn't have to bend. He shouldn't have to pay dues or bend. Some people are throwing Tallises. Why people are throwing Tallises is bizarre. I think they're expecting Rachel Bracha to clean them up. Rachel Bracha ends up cleaning after everybody. They just sit and watch. I have never seen somebody offer to help. Rachel is another girl. Rachel doesn't help. Rachel Bracha, we always use both of her names. A whole discussion was had with the rabbi about if a cleaning service would pick up Mark's plate after him. Mark has a huge issue with bringing his plate to the trash can. To quote, 'My family did not escape Iran to have to clean up after ourselves.' Mark was not happy with the love everybody has for his dad, and the hatred for his Kaddish. Kaddish is always a little slower. Why??? I don't know. No matter how slow they go, Mark Sindel goes slower. I never thought I would be so upset that I wouldn't want to say Amen, but his Kaddish is so long. I feel like smacking Mark and telling him his dad would've left in the middle of his Kaddish. The rabbi did take the Kohen aside, to teach him how to separate his fingers. He spent months doing finger exercises with the guy. The Kohen is now jacked. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Lech Lecha10/31/2023
Announcements
No taking breaks to get water when you have a Yahrzeit. This is not a production. It’s a Yahrzeit, and you are repeating the Amida. That’s it. Yahrzeit Rule: Lead Davening and get it over with. People have jobs to get to. We found the cat. You can now Daven. The shul is getting new Yads. It appears as though the Torah pointer fingers on the Yads have been getting caught in too many Tallises. Tehillim will be every day. Until this war is over, we will say Tehillim every day. Please stop calling the office. We are sorry if you have to miss a minute and forty-five seconds of work, because our soldiers are in Gaza trying to rid the world of evil and saving our hostages. Class on volunteering will take place this Tuesday, as nobody volunteers. If anybody would like to volunteer to put out phone calls for people to show up to the class, please let the office know. The class next Tuesday on volunteering has been cancelled, due to lack of volunteers. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Avraham tells Sarah to tell the Egyptians she's his sister, so they don’t kill him... Yes. It makes sense. You do things to save someone’s life. You didn’t even call 911... It was a hit and run. And you just kept on walking... You do stuff to help. Like maybe lifting a hand a Kiddish. You help clean... You eat, but you do nothing else. You even leave your plate on the table... (Bereishit 12:14-16) They see she is beautiful and they ‘praise her to Paroh... And he treated Avraham well because of her, and he got sheep, cattle, donkeys...’ He even got servants. What have you done for your husband, Vicky?! You gave him an ulcer... Forget about the fact that Paroh took her to his house. That's besides the point. At least Avraham got something out of it... Avraham is kicked out of Egypt for lying to Paroh. Not all plans are necessarily good ones. But they lived. That's the point... I find it hard to live through Davening here. So painful. If my wife would tell people I wasn’t a rabbi, I wouldn’t have to come to shul and listen to Shmuli's drawn out prayers. Or groaning... Well you're not singing. You make everything painful. Everything takes longer with you. You went to get a sucking candy. Why did you have to get a sucking candy... You’re not an opera singer. You lead one prayer for twenty minutes... Your mother would’ve never been that pretentious. How many candies do you need to repeat the Amida?! Now the Amida is a production. That's a riddle. Here. A ruddle for the congregation. How many sucking candies does it take for Shmuli to repeat the silent prayer?!... You should've brought an orchestra for your Modim. And water? You had to get a drink of water?! Your throat was parched... It was parched because you never show up for Davening. If you were used to Davening, you would’ve been able to go without candy and water for an hour and a half... I am used to it, because I have been here when Shimon leads Davening... It's almost as painful as listening to Shmuli. You are all just a burden. This is about praise for Sarah. She was willing to do what was needed to protect them. Not one person volunteered for the class on how to volunteer. Not one person protected the shul and told Shmuli how much they hated his Davening... The one thing the community gets behind, a stray cat that eats Kiddish leftovers... What about a new Yad. You know how many Tallises I have destroyed due to Torah Yads... Yes. We are still saying Tehillim... Not for my Tallises. We are going to say Tehillim for our brethren and sistren in Israel... Every day. Yes. Every day. It's about thinking about other people. Just as Sarah did for Avraham... So selfish. Can’t miss a minute of work for Tehillim. And you can lie to H' and pretend you're a good Jew for this... Rivka's Rundown All of Kiddish, people were asking what's wrong with the cisterns in Israel. Yahrzeits shouldn’t be painful for the rest of the shul. It seems like the only one who is enjoying these Yahrzeits is the person whose parent died. So pretentious. They need to get water. Have a cup of coffee up there like it's a production. They're repeating Shacharit. That's it. These Yahrzeit guys think it's their day to perform. As if their parents passed away so their son can have a yearly Hebrew reading recital. They don't get it. People want to get out of shul. They come to get out. It's not a show. If it was a show, people would be willing to pay. Our members don't even pay dues. And their voices are awful. It’s like seeing a guy up there with a microphone, holding it all professionally, to only find out that Bernie is the singer. And the selfishness shows itself when it comes to Israel. We have congregants doing the loud breath because they have to say Tehillim. One did a loud breath and a head shake. Our congregants feel that there is a cap on how much Tehillim one should say. And they don't even visit the sick. So it has nothing to do with thinking about people in our community who are sick. If you get sick in our community, the only prayer you'll get from the other members is that you shouldn't come back. The rabbi made it clear that the women in the congregation are not helpful. I think he was just trying to get the women to blame Shmuli for the slow Davening, and to kick Shmuli off the Bima. He is trying to garner support. The rabbi should’ve known nobody would volunteer for the class on volunteering. The class got cancelled before they advertised it. I believe they put out the announcement to let the membership know how useless they are. The congregation was looking for that cat for a good two weeks. That's all they did. We had no weekday Minyin because of that cat. Once we found the cat people were cheering that now evil has been eliminated from this world. Then we saw the cat, attack a mouse. The rabbi always gets the Yad stuck in his Tallis. They’re getting a Yad that has no finger. It’s a new fist Yad the rabbi has insisted on creating. It's like a Jewish power Yad. We have the setting for it. The JDL wants to fund it. At Kiddish, the rabbi used the message of Lech Lecha, where H' tells Avraham to go for himself, to get Bernie to renounce his shul membership and join another congregation. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Noach10/23/2023
Announcements
We ask that the Davening leaders not slow everything down. We understand you don’t find it painful when you don’t have to sit in shul listening to you. Due to the annoyance of you, we’re losing congregants. We are asking that relay races not take place in the halls during Musaf. We ask kids think about retaking up paper football. There is less yelling and less old people get run over by triangular paper towels on a table. We do still ask that people have more control when flicking the paper towels through people's fingers. Aim is requested. How to help Israel??? We are collecting for energy bars. Due to the importance of safety in our community, we will ask the Gabai to step down. With the threat of violence against Jews, we’re worried the Gabai will get attacked for messing up who he chooses for Aliyahs and Hagba. Volunteer day for Israel is coming up. If you can’t come. Donate. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 7:1) H’ tells Noah to go to the ark with his family, ‘because you I have seen to be a Tzadik before me in this generation.’ ‘In this generation’... Yes. I reiterated. I have to repeat stuff, because you are sleeping half the time. If I repeat it, I figure there's a chance you'll hear it... Yes. Sometimes I have to repeat it eight times, just in case you wake up for a second. The messages are that important. And there is no Tzadik in this shul. 'In this generation.' Our shul. I can’t find one Tzadik in this shul. Do you know how easy it is to be a Tzadik in our shul. With the slow Daveners... A Tzadik wouldn't take twelve minutes for the repetition of the Amidah. Chazaras Hashas should take two and a half minutes. People who can’t even lift a hand to help with Shalishudis, when our brethren and sisteren are being attacked... They volunteer in Israel. The whole country is out there trying to help however they can. Little kids are drawing thank you cards of support for soldiers. Watch this. Nobody will come to volunteer day... Because you’re not Tzadiks. If you were in Israel there would be not one drawing for soldiers... Hamas would take the stuff for themselves. They wouldn't give one drawing to their people... It’s about rebuilding. Noah builds an ark. He’s commanded to build... Sarah Shaindel Malki. You were not told to do anything to the kitchen. That was a new LG. You got the idea to rebuild from some HGTV show... They know what they're doing on HGTV. Our shul is not a fixer upper Sarah Shaindel Malki... Human beings build. We don’t destroy. We don’t destroy, unless if you’re Ruchel with your ideas for a Bat Mitzvah Simcha with Miley Cyrus... What does Miley have to do with Torah? It's not a multi-media program... Your husband wanted a Mitzvah volunteer theme. But you said that Kaley (you can't even say her name) needs Miley to connect to H'. Something about cannonballs... There are no cannonballs or DJs in the Torah... H’ decides what must be destroyed. What has to be destroyed? Hamas. The world was full of Hamas... Imagine the board of our shul running the world. We have to rebuild a world without Hamas... Yes. It says Hamas in this week’s Parsha. The world was destroyed because of Hamas... Maybe the Torah knew about Hamas. The terrorist group of Hamas did not exist back then. But their corruption and thievery did... We want to rebuild the kitchen that Sarah Shaindel Malki decorated. It looks so bad. Destroyed the congregation. Stole a decent kitchen that caterers could use. How many microwaves do we need... Then cover the stuff. Buy the plastic covers and you need one, maybe two microwaves... It is through me that this shul must be rebuilt. I am the only Tzadik in this shul. As Noah was the Tzadik of his generation... (7:15) ‘And they came to Noah, into the ark...’ The animals came to Noah. He didn’t have to chase them. They volunteered. You have to take an initiative sometimes, and do something... Because then you will be destroyed. They are all volunteering in Israel now. And we can’t even get one person to help with Shalishudis. I have to chase you. Hamas. Destruction... No. Bernie. Volunteering and donating in the announcements was not a joke... At least donate money. Give something. These aren't dues. Nobody should have to chase you to give money to Israel during these times... I know the 'donate' announcement made no sense. This is why the president of this congregation should step down... You don't know your constituents. Have you seen Shalishudis?! Crackers. That's it. You get crackers. Just crackers. You don't get egg salad when people don't volunteer. When you have our membership... I was playing freeze tag with the congregants... It was like a relay race to get away from the rabbi, or any sort of help. Some people were even playing hot potato with the idea of being useful... And that is why we have no Shalishudis, and the soldiers have no energy bars. We have to rebuild Davening. You destroyed it. Shimon. You have killed our Minyan with your painful Davening. We have to keep him away from the Bima... So slow. Even Bernie finishes before you. And then Kaddish. A random other guy slows the thing down, and you go even slower. How do you go slower than slow?... We slowed it down for you. Then you went slower. No matter what speed we’re at, you go slower. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi has to repeat stuff a lot. One time he repeated his whole sermon. Yankel woke up and asked the rabbi what he was talking about, so the rabbi started the whole thing again. Most congregants don't like Yankel anymore. Nobody knew about the microwave covers. The rabbi had a sale on the plastic microwave covers. He marked them meat and dairy, and he pulled in a bundle. People thought the microwave covers were only made of metal. Which is how all the microwaves at the shul originally got destroyed. The rabbi had a class about the how the metal covers were for hotel room service. They think the shul is their playground. Sarah Shaindel Malki is a failed interior designer. I hate to say it. She can't even design a row of microwaves correctly. And as the rabbi said, 'This isn't Lashon Hara, beacuse she is annoying.' Soldiers want energy bars. After they received a package of homade cookies from our congregants, they insisted on protein and energy bars only. Store-bought. Last year, freeze tag was the game of choice at shul. Now it’s relay races. The rabbi wants to go back to paper football. He says it’s easier to get people to volunteer when they’re not running. I've got hit by those triangular paper towels. Some of these kids have no idea how to flick. Can't flick a triangle between the fingers of the other guy. It's like they're facing the wrong way when they flick. How quickly everybody forgot about what happened in Israel. I heard everybody is volunteering in Israel. In our shul, people are watching videos. That's all they do. They watch videos and say 'I have served my country.' The Davening truly was painful. When they figured out how slow they can go, they went slower. People left. They withdrew their membership thanks to Shimon and Baruch. Bernie does Daven real slow. And even he finished before Shimon got through the first paragraph of the Amida. And Shimon is the one who is always complaining we pray to slow. Once he gets up there, it's different. Shimon somehow knows we all like hearing his voice. He goes into this 1950s crooning to H'. Like he is serenading Gd. I have no problem with serenading Gd. However, you wouldn't want Shimon standing there, at your front door, with his barbership quartet, doing the Kedusha for half an hour. The carzy thing is he picks fast tunes and does them real slow. That makes it even more annoying. The rabbi later explained that he was not praising himself. He was just noting how bad this generation in our shul is. Though, he is a Tzadik for dealing with Ruchel. Her husband can't stand her. She has taken him to so many Miley Cyrus concerts. She forces him. We had a shul volunteer day for Israel, to make packages for the soldiers. One person showed. The energy bars and the underwear were not separated. He didn't have time for that. He just threw them all in a really big box and shipped it. Then he took energy bars home, and some boxers by accident. Donations didn't happen. Everywhere else in the world people gave money. Our congregants were worried that if they gave money they would then be asked to pay their dues. Instead they gave used underwear. A couple people popped in for a minute because they needed some essentials for their own house and they didn't have time to go to Costco. The rabbi gave a class on volunteering. That was not well attended, as you had to volunteer to come to the class. If what I am speaking is Lashon Hara, I am guessing none of you know our community, and you will probably never meet these people, as they would never help with anything. You probably won't see them at shul either. If they're not leading, they don't show up. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit10/14/2023
Announcements
Due to this past week in Israel, we are collecting donations for our new shul bouncy house. We are asking people to do Kaddish in unison. Kaddish is not a popularity contest to see who will get people to answer theirs. We all know nobody likes Baruch. We are asking for the same speed from all Kaddish sayers. Phillip has been speeding ahead and we have noticed that everybody is responding to Phillip's Kaddish, and not Baruch. We understand that most people don’t like Baruch. Even so, he deserves an ‘Amen’ too. Even if nobody likes him. I think we can all agree we liked his parents. The community rally for Israel will not take place at our shul because the Jewish Federation does not want people messing it up. They have seen what our membership can do when they help out. We are going to have a community sing along. This will include members of other shuls that have people with decent voices. ‘Yehi Shalom’ will be the song. As well as ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ They mean something to the rabbi. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 2:15) ‘And H’ took man and placed him in Gan Eden, to work it and guard it’... I didn't mean to start with the 'w' word. I know that scares you. Work scares you. In the meantime, our brothers and sisters are being attacked in Israel. And our kids got destroyed by the Episcopalians in floor hockey... Let’s talk about what we can do. I understand there are worse people out there than our board... We are here to do stuff. We were placed in the Gan Eden to work it and guard it. And that was before you messed it up... It was probably our board. They have messed up so many... Being with our Israeli brothers in a time where evil they were under attack, they guarded our nation with light. People came together. That means they sung ‘Yehi Shalom.’ When the rockets were being shot at Jerusalem we sung.., You sing about peace in Jerusalem’s walls. That’s what we were doing in Jerusalem, in the bomb shelter. Thinking about Gd. About peace. I can tell you. I did not think about our board. I did not think about Shloimy with his questions every time I want to get home after Davening... We are going to sing 'Yehi Shalom' together... Because that’s how you guard the world. A good song... Please stop. For H's sake. Hearing our membership sing makes me question why I was placed here. In this shul. Gd would’ve never given you the job of singing. There's a reason that was for the Levites. This kind of singing can mess up the world... That’s not harmony Yakov. It's bad. Right now, I’m not thinking about Gd. I’m just thinking about how to get Helen to stop. What song are you singing???!!! We're singing 'Yehi Shalom.' Peace be within the walls... When you sing 'Anachnu Maminim' I stop believing. Something about this congregation that just hurts belief... You would've definitely ate from the tree of knowledge. You couldn't even hold off from the potato kugel at Kiddish. You devoured it... You were on a diet. (Bereishit 2:17) The one thing we can’t do is eat from the tree of knowledge, ‘for on the day you eat from it, you shall surely die.’ Like an idiot. The one thing you're told not to do... If you were told to not watch American Idol, you would die. You would watch it and you would die... I ask that we don't have messed up people leading Davening. Because you make me want to kill myself. Knowledge kills people... At least a lot of stupid stuff is said. If we took all the professors in our shul, we would have to listen to a lot of stupidity... Torah is the one bit of knowledge you don’t know... Matrix is not Torah. It was a deep movie. When you make decisions, that’s when there are problems. Knowledge has you doing dumb stuff to this congregation. Discussing Nietzsche at junior congregation... If you didn’t think, you would give Tzedakah to good people. You would donate good stuff. Not classic undershirts… You don’t wear them. They’re not comfortable. That doesn’t make them a good donation. The only thing you thought about was how to get it out of your house… The shul board thinks and there’s death to anything decent... And Yakey thinks he has a decent voice. Donations for the new shul bouncy house??? What is the justification for this? Israel is going through hell... Living as Jews is a good way to fight terror. Yes... You’re not sending the bouncy house to the kids in Israel... How are they going to fly out here for a bouncy house... This is you donation?! You offered displaced people a bouncy house in America… You can live in a bouncy house, Shaindel… Committee meetings. That is how you bring destruction to the world. You mess up everything. That’s why the Jewish Federation doesn’t want the rally at our shul. You’ll have a committee meeting and they’ll call it off. And then nobody will support Israel… Your Kaddish causes disunity. It's almost as bad as Helen and Yakey singing. Israel is how we keep this world moving. How we guard the world. Israel with decent songs... I don't know why. I just know that if you think about it, you'll destroy it. Just get one of our shul committees on it, and you’ll destroy it. Rivka's Rundown The big takeaway from the rabbi's sermon is that diets don't stop people from sinning. It turns out that people on diets eat apples. And our shul members are the reason for anything bad in the world. In the rabbi’s mind, the board represents total evil. Hamas is also bad. But they’re not responsible for the rabbi not getting a raise. The rabbi was in Israel when Hamas did the most vile acts. He sung with our Israeli brothers and sisters. He prayed. As he said, ‘I could’ve never done it with this congregation. I feel like I’m a better Jew when I’m not around our congregants.’ We are honored to have a rabbi that cares so much about Israel, he’s afraid that if we go we’ll mess it up. To quote our rabbi: ‘Peace is not having to think about congregants.’ That is how our rabbi defines Shalom. Shloimy truly hounds the rabbi with questions about Yiddishkeit. The rabbi hates answering those questions. That singing about peace was really disjunctive. There was no unity in our singing. I truly think that our congregation singing about peace will bring disunity. It's good we sung what was meaningful to the rabbi. If the shul did stuff they found meaningful, we would be sunbathing singing The Beach Boys. Ethel loves them. Our shul is selfish. Anything for a fundraiser. I don't think we've ever sent money to Israel. The classic cut undershirts donation to Women for Autism did not make much sense. I think the Finkelwitzs just wanted them out of their house. Those undershirts just choke people. The Finkelwitzs kept the v-necks. The bouncy house is amazing. We're all loving it. If any of our Israel brothers and sisters want to use it when they visit, the committee said they can if they give a donation. Our shul committees truly destroy and program. Our members didn’t end up going to the rally. There was a committee meeting to decide what our shul should do at the rally to show solidarity. A fight between Yankel and Frayda broke out and that was it. It was decided that who gets to decide on the theme for the shul Chanukah party is more important than Israel. And with all of this, they’re still fighting over Kaddish and Aliyahs. The rabbi said that none of this is Lashon Hara, as all of our shul our Rishaim that always do evil things. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcement
After the patheticness at the last Bat Mitzvah, and the lack of foresight preparing for Simchat Torah, the shul will be hosting mandatory Simcha Dancing classes throughout the month of Cheshvan. Simchat Torah, we’re going to have men and women circles. This way, people will be able to choose where they want to look. Nobody will be forced to focus on the horrific sight of men dancing in a circle. The shul would like to apologize for the Lulavs and Etrogs we picked up this year. To quote Mordechai, ‘The Etrogs were a lemon.’ We do ask that people not hurt each other next year. Lulavs should remain close to the body. They are sharp and they do hurt when you wave them like it’s a Tallis. We also ask you to stop hurting people with your tassels. Next time anybody hits anybody with a Jewish artifact they will get escorted out of the shul by security. With that in mind, we also ask congregants stop swaying back and forth during Davening. Your lack of body control, as exhibited by your dancing, is dangerous. The rabbi will be in Israel for Simchat Torah. As the rabbi expressed in his holiday message, 'There can only be Simcha when there are no congregants.' Rabbi Mendelchem's Guest Rabbi's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom You... (Devarim 33:8-10) Levi is going to carry the Urim and Tumim... Because the Levites didn’t mess up. They’re also going to be the teachers... Because they didn’t mess up everything. This isn’t the Simchat Torah committee... Yes. You messed up. You don’t even know how to dance... It’s the holiday where we dance for the Torah. You have a committee for Simchat Torah and not one of your knows the 'Mayim Mayim BSason'... And the Bat Mitzvah dancing. You don't hold onto the limbo stick to support yourself. The Mei Meriva??? Ahron did Teshuva (Ramban). So, you can’t hold it against him... You were sitting in the back talking all of Musaf on Yom Kippur. Did you do Teshuva for that?! I know it’s hard to repent when Yom Kippur already passed. You were talking the whole of Yom Kippur, in shul... I know it's hard to repent for Yom Kippur, when you need Yom Kippur... And why are we talking about bitter waters. Now you're bitter because you can't dance. The Levites would have taught you how to dance... ‘They kept the covenant.’ They kept the Brit Milah going, even in the desert. They didn't dessert H'... In the desert, they didn't desert. Exactly. They kept the Mitzvot. There's a reason, Shmuel who doesn't know how to dance the Mayim BSason doesn't teach it... ‘They shall teach Your ordinance to Yakov and Your Torah to Israel.’ Not Moishie. Who is Moishie??? You hired the worst Hebrew school teacher... We need teachers who know what holidays are coming up... You don't celebrate Simchat Torah with Matzah balls. We need a better board. We need people who know how to hold a Lulav without whacking people. We need relaxed congregants who don’t get all worked up about Lulavs and Etrogs... It’s the only Mitzvah you care about. And you attacked Max. Max was looking at a Lulav, you bumped him and took it, then poked him... It was a sharp Lulav. He’s 96 years old. There’s a Mitzvah to respect your elders. At least not whack them with branches... It’s because they didn’t mess up. Levi didn’t mess up like Kathryn, who is on the board... From what I have seen here, if you're on the board, you're not a Levite... Cheshvan is called a bitter month, because we have to deal with the congregants, and there are no holidays where the leave... Rivka's Rundown The sermon was given by a guest rabbi. Our rabbi was in Israel. The guest rabbi, only with us for three days, already can't stand the congregation. He didn't see us as his pupils yet, so he called us 'you.' Much of the membership felt that was intimate enough. The Lulav waiving did get violent. Our membership has no waiving control. Being near them during Lulav waiving is almost as dangerous as being near Baruch when he’s putting on his Tallis. Many members have been held up in the hospital with tassel whips. Lulav injuries include: The Hakafot back of the head bump. The pace around the shul wasn't fast enough, so the bottom of Mark's Lulav caught Feivel in the back of his neck. A hand with a Hadas through it. A pair of glasses that went when Ruchel tried waving her Lulav in all directions during Hallel. She hit six people on that. She even hit a little girl who was trying to get to her mom with the down direction Lulav wave. Then there was the black eye from Shalom, who saw a friend and tried to say 'hi' with his Lulav. And then hitting Max. That was wrong. It was over a box. They couldn't even see the Etrogs. So, they were check the boxes for nicks. Max had a pristine Etrog box, so they tackled him. Then he got whacked with a Lulav. The membership seemed to only hear that there was room for men and women to dance. They didn't hear the part about sides. So, it felt like a non-religious wedding. Bernie and Max Schulman tried bringing the traditional separate men's and women's sides. Being that the dancing was so off, and they couldn't control the train, the men ended up dancing on the women's side. The Simcha Dancing classes themselves were painful to watch. Just seeing our members walk in a circle is a painful sight. It seems that the only Jewish dance the congregants know is the shoulder hold, where you hold the shoulders of the guy in front of you. My take: The arm on somebody else’s shoulder does not constitute a dance. They’re doing it because they will fall otherwise. It's for balance. If it was Zumba they could do it. They can't dance normally as Jews. But they can do aerobics. Aerobics is the most Jewish thing our congregants do. I think the rabbi blames the shul board for everything. He blamed them for the teachers at the day school as well. The visiting rabbi even blamed them, and he just met them. The day school teachers know nothing about Judaism. But they do know how to teach Zumba. After the Chag, we heard about the attacks in Israel. We called our rabbi and he said he was safe. I believe he thought we were asking how it was being away from the congregants. He answered, 'I am safe. I haven't had any questions about services here.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We are starting a campaign for new members. We've lost many congregants to the Coffee House chain. It turns out that conversation is much more convenient at the Coffee House, where Shacharit doesn't interrupt your conversation and you don't have to talk over a Chazin. We apologize for the cantor leading services and being too loud, interrupting a decent dialogue about Marketplace's food court. The Chazin has picked Yom Kippur tunes that don’t fit the words, to make for a more spiritual Davening. Forgiveness Our Members Should be Requesting: Sorry for my flatulence. Sorry I was never helpful. Sorry for parking like a fool; there were lines; I parked on the line. Sorry for being me. Sorry for never hosting the rabbi. Menachem is religious this week. He will be Davening louder, shuckling more, and walking more hunched over to be closer to Gd before Yom Kippur. Please do not express any anger at him for praying extremely loud. He will go back to his mellow Davening form after Gd forgives him. After Yom Kippur, he will also go back to talking during Davening real loud. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. The earth and heavens listen. They hear all the dumb stuff you say at Kiddish... Me having to listen to it is painful enough... Just knowing how many times they heard you ask Shlomo for forgiveness... You talk Lashon Hara about him right afterwards. And then he hates you for telling him you did it... You should've just said, 'I'm the one who ruined your life...' (Devarim 32:7) ‘Remember the days of the world, understand the years generation to generation. Ask you father and he will tell you, your elders and they will say it to you.' That’s history... Yes. Not being you means something. You know less than the people who have been around. Max knows more than you, Pete. And Sadie is the wisest in our shul. She even knows to stay away from Fran when Fran is talking about how great her grandkids are. You're the smartest Sadie and we can all learn from you... Even if they can’t figure out how to use a laptop, they’re smarter than you... I can care less that you’re eight. If we learned from history, we would know that our tunes don’t fit the prayers. Our Chazin is still trying to fit every note into Kedusha... You threw eighteen words into one note. If we learned from our history, you would know to not say dumb stuff about lawn care, when you know nothing about it. And you wouldn't serve on the board... Because you would've learned from the last time you were on the board that you ruined the shul and made a rabbi want to leave... Me. You would have learned how to park a car... You're looking at a video to park the thing. I don't know if you're watching out for the curb or watching a foreign flick where a guy is parking on the left side of the street... If you learned from history, you wouldn’t tell Shlomo you talked about him... You would know he’ll hate you more again... You told Mark not to do business with him. You killed his Parnasa. The guy can't make a living because you told everybody he has hiccups... No. You don’t learn from the past. Or you wouldn’t have purchased that leaf blower. You guys haven't cared for your lawn in years... Last spring, you mowed the leaves into the grass. Learn from history. Yes... Chani should not be on the board... Bad decisions. Last time you did renovations... We still have a leak. You decorated it. We needed it fixed. We didn’t need a neon lit leak... They will tell you. Trust me. If you ask Bernie for his opinion. I don't think Bernie has ever not shared something that was on his mind... You have no filter Bernie. That's where the Lashon Hara comes from. He hated your outfit, Kathy. On Rosh Hashana, he told everybody... But you have to want to listen. You have to want to hear. You have to ask. ‘Ask your father... your elders.’ They don’t tell you because you don’t ask... Well you have to ask louder. They can’t hear. I tell you stuff all the time. it’s like you’re asking to sin. When you ask if it’s fine to run the gambling racket... The only time they can hear you is when you’re Davening on Yom Kippur. You’re so loud... They know you’re faking. That’s a fake cry... Bernie said it was a fake cry. They know that you don’t shuckle that much... Flipping the Tallit over your head does not make you religious. It just makes you more prone to bumping into stuff... You would've pulled on the string and not the curtain itself if you didn't cover your face with your Tallis... Maybe you would host me for dinner. That is just a nice thing you would do if you learned from... Your grandparents invited me, and they knew how to cook... You wouldn't bring salalmi on a plane and eat it with pickles... Deli smells good in a deli. You talk loud in shul. You do interrupt very loud... Talking loud is OK in a deli. If you're a waitress in a deli... I am not suggesting talking in shul. You talk real loud... You were talking right in front of Bill. He was in the middle of the Amidah and he has to hear about your grandkids... Bernie said you were annoying.... Yes. You talk loud too... Staying away from the farts is hard. I understand that’s why you don’t speak to some of our elders. The elders of our shul do fart loud. Rivka's Rundown Sadie gave a big donation to the shul after the rabbi's sermon. They were eating a pastrami sandwich and trying to figure out why people were angry. It smells disgusting. Shwarma on the flight isn't even as disgusting as deli. There is something about deli that makes it the most disgusting thing to eat in transit. The older people in the congregation complain a lot. And they do that out looud. I appreciate it. The young members are annoying and still can't cook a decent Kugel. The board always wants to renovate. They love renovating. They fix nothing. Just renovate. Every meeting is about a new renovation. They feel like they’re doing nothing if they’re not ruining the shul. Everything has to be new. If it's new it's better. That's the creed. The new chairs with no cushion are not better. Nor is the new Kugel with no noodles. Phil changed seats to not be near the farting. Mishaneh Makom Mishaneh Mazal (you change your place, you change your luck). Very true. But then Marleen pulled out a turkey pastrami sandwich. They truly just come to shul for good conversation. That and Kiddish. This is why everybody gets mad at the Chazin. He gets in the way of decent conversation. And when he's real Chuzpadik, Musaf carries over ten minutes into Kiddish. The shul board asked for less talking in shul. That chased away the congregants. The announcement in the Middle of Musaf sounded like this: 'We don't mean to offend Chani and Michel that talk all of Davening.' Chani and Michel don't come anymore. They figured that it's easier to talk at the Coffee House. It's a great chain with no rabbi. Mark and Lisa also left the shul. They joined a country club. It turns out the dues were less at Bergowitz Country Club. It doesn't sound classy, but Bergowitz is pulling in tons. It's a country club with a Jewish experience, which means golf. Tons of Jewish have opted for Bergowitz over shul. They are happy losing congregants. The talk at Kiddish was, 'If there is no talking in shul, then way come.' I personally love when the board gets up to make the announcement to not talk in shul. Then they go back to their seats and talk. I think it's best people don't talk. All they talk is Lashon Hara. A lot of Lashon Hara and not learning from history. One day a year, they don't talk Lashon Hara. They become religious for a day. Yom Kippur comes and they're flipping their Tallis over their head. The tunes never fit the prayers. The Chazin picks a tune he likes and he forces in the whole Kedusha to it. The rabbi wouldn’t eat anywhere anyways. He doesn’t trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision) at our houses, or that we’re Jews. The congregants would fire the rabbi if he ate at their homes. They would never want a rabbi who thought they were good Jews. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
If you heard the Chazin this Shabbis, that is what it’s going to be like for the High Holidays. We, the board, want to apologize. Give the rabbi a break. A little space. When he's walking, please stop following him with questions. The rabbi has stated he will file for restraining orders against congregants who have too many questions. He would also like you to know that when he's walking on the treadmill at the JCC, he does not want to have conversation. Rosh Hashana Resolutions Our Members Should Make: I will not chew with my mouth open. I won’t eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. Selichot are this Saturday night. Maybe be a decent person. Maybe show up to Minyin. Maybe ask for forgiveness once in a while. Maybe mow your lawn and trim your hedges so the neighbors don’t hate you. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... To all those here. Much respect. It is Elul and it is the time to ask for forgiveness. With our Chazin, who takes way too long for everything, and this week being a double Parsha, the pain you are suffering should be an atonement. You've done a positive action for once... (Devarim 30:2-3) ‘And you will return to H’ your Gd and you will listen to His voice... And H’ will return your captive and have mercy...’ He will return us to Eretz Yisrael. We won’t have congregants following us everywhere. We’ll be redeemed from having to deal with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. We won’t have to deal with a Chazin who thinks it’s a good idea to do a two hour Selichot at midnight. We will be redeemed... Redemption would be great. I’m just looking for congregants to stop following me. First we return, then H' will return us to Israel. First you have to do an action... I can't do everything for your Shloimy. There is no intermediary between you and H'... I'm trying to get you to stop following me home from Shul with questions... Redemption comes after we return. You have to do something first. Then H' will help us. You have to put in a little effort, unlike the board who does nothing useful. You have to resolute. Maybe you can stop coming to me with annoying questions. Stop chewing with your mouth open. Nobody wants to sit next to you during Kiddish... H’ promises us we will do it... No, you haven’t repented. Hanging out at The Stop... Stop taking credit for hanging out with your buddies and drinking. That's not Teshuva. You have to put in some effort. Unlike the effort you put into showing up to shul on time. The effort you put into prepping for football games. Why you have the Bills Rams colors on you...You’re not even going to the game. You live nowhere near LA. Do you dress up to bother your wife?! Rosh Hashana is coming... Yes. I’m talking about Teshuva. I’m not talking about who you should pick for the game. You don’t come to shul to pray for a fantasy win... It’s going to be a painful holidays with the Chazin. Having to hear him should be our atonement. (Devarim 30:6) ‘H’ your Gd will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, to love H’ your Gd, with all your heart and all your soul, that you may live.' You don't decide if you live... You decide if you do Teshuva. You decide if you're going to bother me on the treadmill. You decide if you're going to bet on a game... Make it good. Circumcision is done by Gd. You have to show Him love and try to not be annoying… Maybe decide to show up to Minyin on time. Maybe share your armrest. Circumcise a bit of your armrest, to share it… Ibn Ezra teaches that the circumcision of the heart is that Gd will remove the spiritual impediments that get in the way of full repentance. Like congregants and Bernie... H’ will assist us. After we put in some effort and return. If we don't mess up the services, He will help us get out... You have to do for yourself. Stop following me. I can't get two minutes of a Shpatzir without somebody attacking me from the side with questions about the new chapel project... Let me walk. I need a circumcision so I can walk without getting harassed by a congregant.. ‘That you may live.’ Are we truly living here? Are you living when you pick a running back and they get injured in the first quarter?!… Are you living if Sam and Bayla are chewing next to you… Teshuva helps you live. And you need to be strong to do Teshuva. Michel can’t even do Hagba. The problem is you don’t believe. (Devarim 31:6) ‘Be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid and don’t be broken from before them, for H’ your Gd, He that goes with you, will not release you and will not forsake you.’ You need a bit of belief in Gd. You have to know that He is there to circumcise you… Yes. Even after the eighth day Gd can circumcise us again… If we know Gd is there, we can be courageous and strong. We know that there will be a day where we can walk to shul without being harassed with questions about Selichot and how long Davening will be this Rosh Hashana. A day where congregants will understand that they have to show up on the second day to hear Shofar. Congregants that are smart enough to know you don’t blow on Shabbat. A day where you don’t have to answer questions about which tuna is more environmentally sound… That’s why you’re weak and you can’t do it. You have no belief. You think that you’ll be lost without a whole row to yourself. You’re too weak to share… I saw you lose the elbow fight last Sukkot... Being strong and courageous. You don’t show your strength by elbowing the guy next to you in the chest and knocking him off his chair... You have to open up the seats for other people on the High Holidays. You need to be circumcised again. Either that, or we’re going to get pews… Israel doesn’t have enough space for people to not share. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always talks about Teshuva, repentance, on Shabbat before Rosh Hashana. The resolution message is very good. Rachel needs to hear it. She has to resolute to not talk during Davening, and to be less annoying. I think another resolution our congregation can do is to only tell decent jokes this year. The amount of time I have been stuck listening to bad jokes by Merv, it’s not right. The ‘change’ message was very good. Just change. That was the rabbi’s message to the congregants. I believe he said ‘don’t be you’ at some point. I believe that was the most important message for Sam. The message of effort went nowhere. Nobody in the shul puts in any effort. The Machzorim (High Holiday Siddurs) on Rosh Hashana were in storage. Nobody put them out. People had to go to storage during Rosh Hashana services to find the box and take a Machzor. We had people that had never been in shul before treasure-hunting prayer books in the dark. Then, they couldn’t find the key. So, random people we never saw at shul before broke down the door. I believe the rabbi's idea of redemption is not having to see congregants. The resolution ideas to resolute went nowhere. They still carry around disgusting smelling food. And they all chew so loud. With the way they hum while they eat, it’s like a wind-instrument section. You can't sit next to any of the congregants at Kiddish. And I know there will be armrest fights again at shul this Yom Kippur. The way they fight over the armrests. One turned from elbowing into a full-on wrestling match. Himelstein ended up pulling the chair out of the bolts and slamming the other guy with it. The way the fight continued was 'you only come once a year.' And then the other responded, 'That's why the rabbi likes me.' Most of the men are not used to sharing seats. They still put their stuff on every seat in the row, to ensure nobody sits next to them. One seat is there for the guy’s glasses. The Stop is a hangout for mid to late twenties. A parent opened it and figured that the clientele would get the message to stop. They were used to telling their children to stop. I know this, because they’re always yelling at their kids in shul. They figured that telling their clientele to stop before they came into the establishment would get across the message that whatever they’re doing is wrong. Anything they’re doing. They truly follow the rabbi. I saw a woman Follow him all the way to shul. I have never seen the rabbi walk so fast. Yet, she kept up with him. Her Yenta abilities are amazing. They even allow her to speed walk. She went two miles out of her way. The congregants are willing to walk an extra two miles just to share their complaints. One went on for forty five minutes about the new faucet in the bathroom, and how the handle isn’t long enough for them. One congregant followed the rabbi eight miles to ask him if she bet on the Cincinnati Bengals. I don't know how you run up to somebody on a treadmill. But they do it. The rabbi put out a restraining order on all congregants. He is finally able to go to the JCC and get a decent workout in. The rabbi has put out stay away orders to the congregants. However, that just sounded rude. So, the board left it at restraining orders. Now the rabbi has his job in perpetuity. The shul will never fire the rabbi. They’re too afraid that he’ll sue for harassment. The Chazin was painful. I am very much with the rabbi. They care about football. The members come to shul to pray for a fantasy win. This past Shabbis, the rabbi got no questions about the High Holiday services. All questions were 'who's going to win week one?' A good dozen members asked if they should pick the Jets. Mark has a Bills cape. Like he's the team superhero fan. We live nowhere near Buffalo. One of our members is going for Smicha, rabbinic ordination, now. They're looking to become a community rabbi. They asked our rabbi if they should study psychology and counseling. The rabbi suggested that he study scouting reports. That is useful. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tavo9/3/2023
Announcements
You can't just take over the shul and every Kavod you want. This announcement is meant for Shloimy. You can't take over the Amud and start leading. There are mourners. They have a Chiyuvs. That means, they lead prayers. Not Shloimy. From now on, people have to be asked to do Kibudim, honors. People cannot honor themselves and say they were honored. Being honored is when somebody else honors you. If you're blowing the shofar, please practice. People can't help but to laugh at a bad shofar blow. It sounds like you're sitting behind Bernie and he's bending. And Bernie should not bend in shul. If somebody wants to take a Kavod, here are Kavods you can take: Helping set up Kiddish. Cleaning the shul before Shabbis. Being one of the first ten at Minyin. Visiting the sick during your free time. Mow the shul’s lawn. Paying your dues on time. That's a Kavod most members of the shul have not taken yet. Selichot are coming up next Saturday night. The Chazin will be doing his thing. You'll want to avoid shul from midnight till 1:30am. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. You bring your first fruits to Jerusalem... I understand your neighbors are important. You can make them a fruit basket… Your first fruits go to Jerusalem... And you have to give Maaser too. I know it's painful to tithe. The office hasn’t received your money for a chair this Yom Kippur… You don't make random decisions and just take the food like you took over Davening and the honor of opening the ark. There are rules… You only give a dollar to the Tzedakah box at shul. H’ wants more than that. (Devarim 26:13-15) After you tithe you say before H', 'I have removed the holy from the house, and I have given to the Levis, the convert, the orphan and the widow, like all You have commanded me. I have not transgressed any of the Mitzvot, and I have not forgotten...' You would have to lie, Shaindel... You don't keep the Mitzvot… Not Mark Levi. The tribe of Levi... I know Mark takes credit for everything and oversteps every Kavod in shul… It’s about first giving to others and appreciating.... Before H' means Jerusalem. Not Topeka. But you can say it in Netanya if you're stuck… I am not going to lie. Your shofar blowing needs work. You should be saying to H’, ‘I have transgressed practicing…’ Your blowing sounds funny. It's messed up... Of course we laugh. Not at you. At the Shofar being blown bad. It sounds like Bernie bending... Yes. You blew it. Then we ask H' to look upon us and bless us... You first have to do Mitzvahs. You first don’t don’t mess up. Maybe if you didn't sin all the time… I said nothing about Donald Trump... What does Trump have to do with first fruits and tithing… No. Stop blaming him for you having to give Tzedakah and tithing... Donald Trump does not have to bring Bikurim… You can't take from mourners. That doesn't lead to blessing. You would have to say, ‘I have transgressed the Mitzvot of taking away Shacharis from Tzvi.’ You took the Amida for Mincha... There were mourners... I know I was late. They weren't... You guys share nothing. The Anim Zemirot kids are bullies. And the ark opener… The kid is kindergarten. Your kid should share with the other five year old… They’re not Aveylim. They’re not mourning. They’re in nursery school. Share… You can't be the Gabai and the Chazin. You decided it should be you. If you give yourself it's not an honor. You have to be asked for it to be an honor... I know you give yourself a lot of Kavod… Shloimy. You kicked him off the Bima… They lost their dad. You don’t kick them off the stage for leading… He’s not a Chazin. He’s got a Chiyuv. And nobody likes when you lead Shloimy… Then why are you always leading?! You ask yourself. You walk around to your seat and ask you. Then you say yes… Rivka's Rundown The rabbi had everybody rolling with the ‘you blew it’ line. They just took over. The rabbi wasn't there and they took over. One guy sat in the rabbi's seat. I don't even think we need a Gabai. People just take Kavods. People take stuff. Pesukei Dzimra. Shacharit. Nobody asked them. They took it. Even when Shloimy isn’t there, somebody takes it. I don't think we need a Gabai. One guy went up for an Aliyah. No name. Wasn’t called. Just went up and did Barchu. One guy started teaching a class. One of the women took over the sisterhood. She has the bank account. Nobody else has access. It’s hers. She took it. One guy took a couch and started sleeping on it. One guy did a program in the parking lot. Started a BBQ on shul premises. Nobody needs to tell our members to take initiative. One guy took . And the Anim Zemirot. We have 7 year olds claiming their Kavod. The problem is nobody questions anything. They are that oblivious to tradition. One guy started reading the Qur'an. Some members thought it was a Torah commentary. That class went on for a month, before they realized the guy taking initiative was an imam. One guy took the rabbi's seat at Kiddish. Just sat there. Rabbi wasn't there. He took initiative and became rabbi for the day. Nobody said anything. They assumed the guy was the new rabbi. Nobody took the available Kavod of cleaning the sanctuary. Simcha said he would do it, but the shul wasn't willing to put up a plaque for his helping. Then the Gabai calls himself up. His job is to make sure people are called up. Then he calls himself up. The rabbi stopped him when he started to take the second Aliyah too. A whole letter was sent to every congregant to reiterate the message of giving other people Kavods. The message: You have to share Kibudim even when the rabbi is not around. It turns out nobody got the letter. And nobody wants to share. Sharing Anim Zemirot is not happening. People have to laugh at bad Shofar blowing. At Minyin this week, it sounded like the shofar blower let one rip. Sorry. I had to say it. After the blow one guy yelled ‘doorknob’ and started hitting his friend until he finished saying LDavid H’ Ori. Everything the rabbi says comes back to Trump. Anything about sinning, some of the congregants jump to Trump. One of the women forgot to pay the town school tax. She blamed Trump. Middle of rabbi’s sermon, she yelled out Trump. It’s a tick a lot of people in our congregation have developed. Anything that goes wrong, they yell Trump. The members never give more than a dollar to Tzedakah at shul. The Tzedakah box goes around, they can put in a 20. They’re taking back 19. I think they just give Tzedakah to get change. One of our members parks at a meter every Shabbis. It’s very embarrassing. The only day she wants to give Tzedakah is on Shabbis, when it’s forbidden. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Frum tourist. That’s the look... baseball hat, shorts and Tzitzis out. Next vacation we will be sporting the Frumer tourist look of black pants, a polo shirt and a baseball hat.
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3/10/2024
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