Announcements
We ask that you don’t share your thoughts at your Seder. For the sake of communal enjoyment and us having a Minyin in the morning, get to the part of the Seder people like and eat. Before sharing your philosophy on parenting, please make sure your kids are in junior congregation. Not running the halls. Yelling at your children is also a parenting method we at the shul appreciate. We want to acknowledge all of those who stayed for Pesach and don’t have enough money to go to a hotel. We collected Kimcha DPischa (flour for Pesach for the pour people as you are not doing well at work) for you and your family to be able to afford a motel for Chol Hamoed. No Jew should have to spend Pesach at their house. To think of such Tzaris. Shabbat morning, you must eat Chametz before the fourth hour of the day. It’s a Halachik hour, Sha'ah Zmanit, which means anywhere from five minutes to three and a half hours. For any questions, go to the rabbi. Somebody else put out a Haggadah. There’s another one out there. Contemorary Halacha Class: How to Ruin Your Seder By Sharing Your Thoughts. Shaot Zmanion And Other Things You Don't Show Up on Time For. How to Ruin the Rabbi’s Week by Telling Congregants to Ask Him Questions. How To Put Out Your Own Haggadah Because You Also Had a Thought. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. This is the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. It’s on the Parsha... We’re doing it on the Parsha, because the Parsha is meaningful. Every time somebody expects me to go off on something that has nothing to do with Shabbis... The Torah's not a good enough source? You need numbers next to paragraphs?!... Here are sources. Now does that work?! (Vayikra 7:15) The Todah, thanksgiving, peace offering “must be eaten on the day of its offering. He shall not let it sit until morning...” Because things spoil, Bernie. Have you ever had the sisterhood’s salad?... Who makes lettuce salad on Friday night for Saturday???! Well let's talk about appreciation. And I would appreciate a decent salad. If you let coleslaw sit overnight, that would be appreciated... Unlike a regular peace offering, which has a two-day window to eat them, the Karban Todah must be eaten that night. Why is this? The Imrei Emes teaches that it’s brought because somebody recognizes a miracle... A miracle would be if Bernie stopped talking during the Drashas... However, miracles are constantly happening to us. We are just not always aware. Thus, the Todah must be eaten for one day. Tomorrow there will be more miracles to thank H’ for... I don't know if there are any miracles to thank H' for in this shul. Other than most of the congregants not being here for Pesach. That's a miracle. Until the end of Pesach there are miracles. Until they come back... It’s hard to see miracles when congregants are cleaning for Pesach and asking you questions about cleaning... I’m a rabbi. Susan. I'm not a cleaning service. The fact that you’re asking me which oven cleaner to use... It’s a miracle I kept this job. And I will not be offering thanks to the board... Have you ever seen a rabbi clean, Susan? Exactly. People don’t bring more Todahs because they're cheap. When was the last time you gave a donation? You should be giving Todahs all day... Yes. My source is Artscroll. That is the rabbinic source for the Imrei Emes... So, he was the fourth Ger Rebbe. Artscroll didn’t mention that. It’s his teaching. And I’m thankful for that. Asides from messing up cooking, are you thankful for miracles?... The fact that I make it through shul with you is a miracle. I am appreciative... Don’t share your thoughts on the four sons. This way people will be appreciative at the Seder... Maybe raise your children right. How about raising your kids. Give that a little effort... Your pedagogy on how to not be at your child’s soccer game. Is that what your... How about talking about the four parents in our community that don’t help with carpools... Well they're the ones sharing their thoughts on the four sons. We need you at Minyin. Maybe talk less at the Seder and show up to Minyin. How about the four sons who came to Minyin?! For some reason that's not in the Haggadah... Because it doesn't happen, Shlomo. You cannot say you are raising your kids... They are running in the hall right now. You guys are like the unthankful son. The unappreciative son. Why that one isn’t mentioned. The congregant son... Now it’s too late to clean. Pesach starts right after Shabbis. You have three minutes to eat Chametz... Is everybody back. Those who stay in their homes have to clean. Should’ve cleaned... It's good to be speaking to the five of you that stayed. That couldn't afford the hotel. Be thankful we have shul for you. That’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that you guys are broke enough to not go to a hotel. Be thankful that you have never sponsored a Kiddish... Be thankful that we don't have Shmurah Matzah to sell to you... You wouldn't be able to afford it. If you can't afford a hotel, you can't afford Shmurah Matzah. How about the son that doesn't clean?!... Pesach cleaning is not a reason for a divorce... It’s a miracle that every rabbi can put out a Haggadah. And there are still new ones every year. A miracle... I am thankful that I have another Haggadah. This one had pictures too... Please don’t put out a Haggadah... The rabbis that put out Haggadahs know Torah. You had a thought in the middle of the Seder when you read about the rabbis that went to Pardes for the first time... If you eat the Karban after its intended day, it has to be burned. It’s Pigul. Rejected (Vayikra 7:18)... There are wrong times to eat. For Mark it’s when he’s around other people... You’re disgusting... (Vayikra 7:19-21) There are others that can’t eat. If you’re Tamei... People in this shul should not eat holy stuff. You're all impure. Full of impurity of the mind. Just be thankful I let you come to shul. With all your sins, it's a miracle you don't combust when you walk into shul. If we would've rejected some of the congregants from membership... Be thankful the shul didn’t reject your membership. That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Say "thank you" every once in a while. And don't wait three days to say it... Why is he eating right now? Mark! Mark! It is hard for me to see Gd's hand right now. This job... There wouldn't be Kiddish leftovers if the salad was decent, Susan. Rivka's Rundown Lettuce does go bad. If they made the salad with cabbage, it would last longer. Sometimes the rabbi does speak important truths that bring community together. They wanted to fire the rabbi. The Gabai was mad, asking everybody, “That’s a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha?! Who gives a Drasha on a Parsha?” After the argument about whether you can do a Shabbat HaGadol Drasha on the Parsha that is Shabbat HaGadol, the rabbi handed out a bunch of sources to make it an official Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. Nothing to do with the his sermon. The rabbi called the congregants "they." "They" is always bad. Nobody likes "them." I can't go to Seders in our community. Everybody thinks they have so much to share at the Seder. Always turn into a philosopher about why we left Mitzrayim. What it's about. I like to think that if they learned Shemot, they would not be adding much. Maybe they would look at Rashi and say, "Oh. That's what leaving was all about." Instead, I have to hear about the fifty sons which correspond to the fifty plagues at the sea, whatever thought hit Mark after he pregramed the Seder. I like how the board and the rabbi told the parents they are bad parents. It's the first time I have seen full agreement. It would be nice if they ever helped with car pools. If it wasn’t for Maureen, their kids would be hitchhiking back from the JCC soccer camp. Michael still has no idea what Pardes is. But it is not stopping him from putting out a Haggadah. Big mistake telling everybody they have three minutes to eat CHametz. That's a good way to kill the flow of a sermon. They all ran. The rabbi made it clear to the board, after they announced that people should go to the rabbi with questions last week, that he will go on strike and answer nothing. The rabbi's sermon last week, where he said people have to clean, had the congregants in a frenzy. Most got scared and ran to hotels. Some went to hotels with no Kosher for Pesach food. They said they'll be fine eating Matzah and Temp Tee if that means cleaning is not involved. The fact the shul can reject membership is the dumbest thing. If somebody is paying dues, that’s what they want. They need money. Take money from anybody and hope they don't show up. That's what the board should want. That's what the rabbi wants. And if people do come to shul, let them in. Nobody is going to try to hurt Jews more than them having to listen to Yankel lead Shacharit. Nothing is more painful than hearing that guy. Why he had to lead?! I'm shocked members don't learn how to lead services just to get Yankel off the Bima. They rejected Merv's son and daughter from membership. The board said it was because they haven't seen them in a while. Didn't even let them come in for the Shabbat HaGadol Drasha due to safety policies about only allowing members to the shul. This whole new safety policy of not allowing people in bothered the Filberg family with their daughter's Bat Mitzavh last week, as her grandparents visiting from Florida weren't allowed into the shul. Her whole family was peeking through the window when she gave her Dvar Torah. Her cousin broke a window trying to hit her with candy. No warning. Just, "We don't allow Jews into our shul due to safety." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYikra4/6/2025
Announcements
Mark has turned into a question asker. Now we have another congregant asking questions at every speech. It’s now taking an extra forty minutes to get out of shul. Members have complained about Mark asking questions, in speech form. A petition has been signed. Mark, the other members don't like you. Please stop asking questions. Thank Gd Mr. Minkstein died. He should be Schepping Nachis up in Shamaim, knowing he raised a son who Davens fast. Leading prayers like an angel, very quickly. Thanks to Mr. Minkstein A”H’s son, we’re getting out of Davening ten minutes early. The Felsenblooms are the only Frum family in the community. Hence, they have a lot of kids and a very big van. If anybody is willing to volunteer to help them clean out their van for Pesach, they appreciate that. Matzah is now only eighty dollars a pound. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Ask a Question and To Get Other People to Hate You. How to Earn People’s Love By Davening Fast. Who to Ask to Not Get Help, with Our Members. The Mitzvah of Going Broke on Matzah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:13) “...Every meal offering needs salt.” And now, the sisterhood has decided that it’s not good to put salt in the soup. They leave it on the side and let people do it themselves. "Distribute their own salt," they say. And we all know something is wrong... H’ insists on salt in His food for a reason... It’s bland Kathy. I don't care how much cumin you put in. It's bland. Gd did not command cumin... (Chapter 3) In the Perek we speak of Peace offerings. A voluntary offering to show love of Gd. Appreciation of Gd’s goodness... I don’t know if peace offerings have salt. I know you clean them though. You take out the innards.... There are rules for the offerings. You clean them up. Then you put them on the altar... Nobody needs innards. Bernie. You’re the only one that eats innards. You were the only one that wanted more Meurav Yerushalmi on the shul trip... Meurav Yeshalmi has salt Kathy... Why no birds for Karban Shelamims, peace offerings? Rashi quoting Sifra says that it is called a Shelamim, because it can bring peace to the world. It has to have a portion for the altar, for the Kohen and for the owner. It has to satisfy everybody. The tiny unsalted birds you serve at Kiddish bring no peace. It actually has people fighting for food... Who serves Cornish hens? Unsalted Cornish hens. You have to take everybody into account. When it comes to peace, when it comes to wholeness, Sheleymut, you take everybody into account. And that means you don't ask questions when the speech is over, Mark... People want to get out of shul. Getting out of shul and eating brisket brings peace to a community... So, you are a question asker now... I saw you at the community Israel event last week. The speaker spoke, and then you decided you wanted them to speak longer... It was about Israel. We all knew that. The people that were there love Israel. They wanted to say they love Israel and leave... Nobody wanted to hear the speaker. And they didn't want to hear your question, Mark. They wanted to hear, "Israel is great. We love it. People hate us." That would've been the most beloved speech by the editor of the Jerusalem Post. People would've applauded. It would've been the best 20k the Federation has ever spent. It would've brought community together... We have to stop question askers. It's painful... Nobody wants these guest speakers to last longer. It doesn’t bring peace when you ask questions. It brings antisemitism. I like you Mark. The congregants don't... I like you more than Bernie. I think it's just that you're new to asking questions. We can't have new people involved in keeping speeches longer... And they don't like your speeches. All questions at speeches are speeches. I have never heard a question mark at the end of any of our congregants' questions... Fran can ask her questions in speech form about how great her grandkids are. She's been doing it for years. It's tradition... People go to Jewish events to get out. People come to shul to get out. People like a quick Davening... This isn't a concert. People want to be at concerts... Nobody wants to be at shul. It's tradition. People can come back to weekday Davening. Mr. Minkstein raised great children who lead Davening real fast... All the other Apikorsim in our shul, your parents should live well past a hundred and twenty. Or at least till I get out of this place... We suffered for a good eleven months after Mrs. Feigelbloom passed away. Raising a son who focuses on each word for a good two minutes... Either that, or you don’t know how to read Hebrew Simone. Nobody else stutters and calls it Kavanah. Your mother dying was the saddest day in our community, Simone... Because you were leading Davening... You see Mark. Everybody loves the Minksteins... Nobody wants you to lose your parents Mark. That's how much they don't like you. It would be good for nobody. The Minksteins lead Davening like a beautiful Karban Shelamim, peace offering. Out of services in no time. Everybody's happy their father passed away, and there is no sisterhood messing up their breakfast... Felsenbloom. You have a lot of kids. And we know kids don’t help. We see them at shul. We see how unhelpful kids are. Anybody who is willing to help the Felsenblooms clean for Pesach, it’s a Mitzvah. It's Chesed... The Felsenblooms took into account everybody when they bought their car. They took into account their whole family. Shalem. The whole... They’re not attaching kids to the hood. We ask for donations of peace to the shul. To help fix all the issues the sisterhood caused... The shul does not have money. We had to use it all on Matzah for the community Seder... You can also donate to my Mishpuchi. We need donations for Matzah. We need whole Matzahs. Eighty dollars and the box came with Shevarim. Broken Matzah pieces. No peace.... We should have peace and thanks to H’. Not to the sisterhood. You have to take everybody into account Kathy. And everybody likes salt... So, some people can’t eat it because of heart condition. But they like it... This Pesach, take your guests into account, and move the Seder along. Nobody needs to hear your thoughts on the four sons... Now they're adding four daughters?! Rivka's Rundown The rabbi asked for a donation to himself. It was a bold move. But with the cost of Matzah, he needed it. The people in our shul have to do a better job on food. If they followed the Mishkan’s recipes, all would be good. Sarah Rivkah put out a Mishkan Recipe book after the rabbi’s sermon. She called it The Cookbook of Tabernacles. In the introduction, it says that anybody who uses any of the recipes will be burned at the stake, or stoned. Knowing how much tastier the food in the Tabernacle was than the sisterhood Kiddishes, most of the congregants wrote in their books that they would rather be stoned. The rabbi focused on asking questions to the guest speakers. Not his sermons. He gets questions all the time, but he knows he can't stop them. He's given up. His sermons go long, and there are a lot of questions, but he doesn't care if the congregants hate him. Mark is now asking questions to the speakers. It's his newfound voice on behalf of the Jewish people, who are the ones at the speeches. He feels like he’s now an activist, asking speakers who agree with him, why they agree with him. He lost all of his friends. People don't sit next to him, afraid that others will think they're encouraging him to lengthen speeches with questions that add nothing. The rabbi is right. The community would be so happy if the speakers came in from Israel and said, "We love you. People hate us. Israel is great." That would be the greatest speech of all time. Everybody is so happy Mr. Minkstein died. I feel bad, but I am also happy. Loved the man, but his kids get us out of services real fast. The rabbi had mixed feelings, as Henry Minkstein is the only member the rabbi liked. The rabbi telling the other congregants their parents should live was a putdown. Feigelbloom and Felsenbloom. Very confusing. Everybody likes Felsenbloom. One time, Felsenbloom lost a contract for selling his heaters because they thought he said Feigelbloom, and leads Davening real slow. I like the Felsenblooms family. I just don't know when Chesed, acts of kindness, turned into doing stuff for people who are too cheap to get a cleaning service or babysitter. My niece does Chesed in Israel. It's babysitting in a Chareidi neighborhood, where they don't pay her. They do have a huge van. It's going to be hard to clean that thing. First time I saw the van, I thought it was a camp trip coming to our community. I saw all the kids getting out. I didn’t know if it was a family or a summer camp. Maybe a trip day to shul. To see how congregants can ruin a rabbi's life. I can’t afford Matzah anymore either. I am going to focus on only eating brisket this Pesach. Hopefully that's a Mitzvah. The Matzah is too expensive. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Pikudei3/30/2025
Announcements
We apologize for the baseball outing. It was spring training and the board didn’t think the Florida trip was a problem. Next year, we’ll plan the shul baseball outing within 500 miles of your homes and during the baseball season. The PTA isn’t part of the shul. We want to make it clear. Parents ruin the shul. Everyone thinks they have something to say. Do not use your connection to the PTA to bother the rabbi. The shul doesn’t take responsibility for educating children. They will end up like Bernie. We’ve had many complaints about the Sefardi Chazan. We ask Amisar to bring down the high-pitch a bit. We respect the beautiful tradition. Ashkenazim have sensitive ears. We want to welcome Amisar’s family to the shul. We didn't notice you over Amisar's high-pitch. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Spend 2k to Sit in the Stands and Get a Tan at a Baseball Game. How to Ruin Your Child’s Education with Congregants. Sefardic Roots and The Ability to Sit in Shul and Enjoy It. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 39:33) “They brought the Mishkan to Moshe...” They didn’t make him walk out of his way, like when you need the rabbi to Kasher you home for Pesach... You bring the vessels to the shul. I don't run a ladle pickup service. They came to Moshe. You bring stuff to your rabbi. (Shemot 39:33-42) They brought him all the stuff they made. All the gold and copper vessels. The clothes for Aharon and his children to serve with. They didn't bring Moshe problems. They didn't bring Moshe a divorce... They didn't bring Moshe the vessels and a question about whether they can use them on Pesach... The ides is not to make your rabbi's job harder... The idea is also to not use stucco on the inside of a building. The worst idea. You use stucco on the outside. You worked and made the shul worse... That is why I don't always encourage your projects. Because they are useless. If you brought copper to the shul, your rabbi would be happy with you... (Shemot 39:43) “And Moshe saw all the work, and they did it as H’ commanded, that’s how they did it. And Moshe blessed them.” You’ve done no work. You have not helped at all... Max. You quit your job yesterday and told your boss he should go to... You cursed your boss, Max. Do something... Divorce is not the focus of blessing... Even if you're working on it. We’re trying to get rid of members. We’re not trying to break up families at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Well. Let's talk about work. Let's talk about what you should donate to the shul. Did H’ command you to make a pottery ashtray? No. Therefor it doesn’t get a blessing. You get blessed when you do stuff H’ commanded you... What have you done that is good?... H' did not command you to setup a baseball game trip to Florida. Especially when you could've donated that money to shul. I would have blessed you if you donated that money... Why the baseball game? It’s March. You schedule nothing right... It was spring training. That’s down in Florida. You even misscheduled Pesach... I saw the calendar. It’s two days off. You even made that wrong. How do you misschedule Pesach? You don't donate money to any organization, and you don't get a calendar... You give money to organizations, you get a calendar before the year, and you get blessed with knowing when Jewish stuff takes place... Betting on March Madness is not work... You brought me your betting brackets. I don't think Moshe would've blessed that. I don't care about Danny Woolf... Wait. A Jew... Did H’ command you to schedule a trip to Florida for a spring training baseball game? Hence. Not blessed. And I'm fine telling your children that your ideas are not blessed... Why are your kids at the sermon. This isn’t a family friendly sermon. This is real stuff. This isn't matinee... This is not a matter for the PTA. The PTA breaks up families. Not a blessing. You mess up enough at the school. Thanks to the PTA, children don't get soda anymore for lunch. And now kids don't even want to go to school... If the PTA focused on lice, we wouldn't have problems at Kiddish. The herring would be OK to eat. We would all be able to make Brachas... What's a blessing?! Not the PTA. Because the PTA doesn't work. The PTA is a bunch of parents who are not at work... You can't meet at 2pm and call that work... H’ didn’t command children to be in the sermon. If the PTA cared to raise kids as Gd commanded... If you taught the kids as Gd commanded, it would be a blessing. And they would have soda machines. Maybe even SodaStream. Support Israel a little blessing... Did H' command you to fire the best teacher, because you have to do something as the PTA? Hence. Not blessed... I am sorry. I can’t hear you. My ears are still ringing from Shacharit. The high-pitch thing is not usually done in Ashkenazi shuls... H' did not command that high of a pitch when singing and leading... No. I appreciate the Amens. I also appreciate the Davening. It just hurts my ears... I would've said Amen to your blessings if my ears weren't ringing... Why didn’t you welcome Amisar’s family last week? Well. We want to welcome you and your family. Hopefully, you work. It would be nice to have a congregant that helps a bit... Do what H’ commands and I can bless you. Kind of hard when you have congregants... I pray you will all do something good, like Amisar. I love the guy Amisar says Amen. We are commanded to say Amen. Amisar is blessed. Even if you are not helpful as a professional, and you are part of the PTA. H’ asks you to do Mitzvot. Do Mitzvot. Let Mitzvot be your work... You don’t have to be a craftsman to do Mitzvot. Ashkenazim can do Mitzvot. You don’t have to be a weaver to put on a Tallis. You don’t have to be a community organizer to show up to Minyin... Then why am I the only one?... No blessings for you. H' tells you to clean your home for Pesach. So please stop coming to me with questions. Clean... I understand that's work. Clean and you will be blessed. Rashi teaches that Moshe blessed them, “May it be H’s will that the Shechina rest upon your handiwork... May the pleasantness of H’ our Gd be upon us and our handiwork may He establish. (Tehillim 90:17 which Mosher wrote)." There is nothing pleasant about spending 2k to fly down to Florida for spring training. Especially when the PTA is complaining about tuition. And shul doesn't even have tuition... It’s hard to bless when there is no handiwork. No craftsmanship even in your house. Not one piece of crown molding… There is no Shechina in the PTA. Hence, no Bracha... Amen. Exactly. Thank you Amisar... Your handiwork is what brings upon blessing. But not when our congregants are doing the work. If Moshe had to go out of his way to see what you guys do for the shul, if he saw how Max just gave up in the middle of schnitzel, he wouldn’t have blessed you. He might have given up... One side breaded schnitzel... He would've seen no pleasantness. Probably wouldn't have hit a rock. Might have hit a congregant... Amen to Amisar. A congregant who came to Topeka to work. Somebody that understands that stucco belongs on the outside of a building... I will see you all for Kashering of your vessels this week. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi ended by not blessing the congregants. Unique in his approach. Love it. I think the rabbi made his point very well. The congregants should work. But they should not expect blessing for their work, as it is useless. Our congregation has messed up ideas of work. And then they have no idea what "donate" means. They think it's pasta before Pesach. You donate pasta boxes before Pesach. They think cleaning is donating pasta boxes. We are truly not a handi-congregation. I don’t think the rabbi wants to see our handiwork. That would be a curse. It will come out worse than the stucco that fell. It wasn’t impasto at first. Then, Maxine thought it would be a good idea to do the whole shul like that. That was a mistake. It’s good H’ didn’t ask us to decorate the Tabernacle in self-portraits of raised texturized paint. Finally, somebody went off on the PTA. They fired Ms. Sandor. A great teacher, teaching home economics. The parents were mad that their kids were saying that they shouldn't waste money on trips to Florida. PTA got her fired. The PTA has been showing up everywhere. They even complained that Marshall’s didn’t have a good enough holiday sale. This is why we have an office secretary. To keep the board away from scheduling. Now I know why they have to do the whole service out loud in Sefardi Minyins. With the high-pitch Chazin thing, you can’t concentrate. You have to let them do it for you. People came to the class given by Amisar on how to enjoy shul. Not one Ashkenazi connected. Amisar has a beautiful family. Great kids. They clean up after themselves. They are kind. They share. The PTA has already been complaining about this behavior to the Amisar and his wife. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Vayakhel3/23/2025
Announcements
The board kept it a Tetzaveh Sermon of Rebuke last week, on Ki Tisa. But it made no difference, as nobody even knew we were in Shemot. We are collecting chocolate bars and sugar candy for the poor. We figured that you might donate your leftover Mishloach Manot. Nobody’s donated useful stuff, like pasta. Please don’t bring cooked pasta again. The cardboard donation box doesn’t have a fridge to keep the pasta good for the poor people. And the membership still refuses to have a soup kitchen, as they're trying to keep poor people out of the shul. To quote the rabbi: "Enough of our membership already doesn't pay dues." We want to welcome our new Sefardic congregant, Amisar, to the congregation. Many have asked, as they’re worried about racism. Security knows he’s Jewish. They've been notified that he looks like he's from Israel. Amisar wants everybody to know he appreciates rabbis. Please don’t judge him. His culture hasn’t taught him the proper etiquette of how to be a congregant. Contemporary Halacha Class: How to Mess Up a Parsha Sheet with Our Board and Other People Who Know Nothing About Torah. How to Give a Donation That Doesn't Help Anybody. Honoring Your Rabbi and Other Unappreciated Concepts. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It's Parshat Parah. About the red heifer... No. The red heifer is not a redheaded woman. That’s offensive and disgusting... Almost as offensive as telling a security guard we have Sefadi people in the shul. (Shemot 36:6) “... a voice went out in the camp saying, ‘Man and woman shall do no more work of donations for the Temple.’ And they were prevented from bringing.” No voice went out in our shul telling people to stop with donations. People just haven’t paid their dues. Our congregants have made it a religious point to not help... Yes. You do bring stuff. But that is not what we would call donations. When it's stuff the shul doesn't want, it's called congregants... You only gave the stuff Goodwill said no to... Nobody needs your paisley shorts, Bernie. Why would we hang paisley from the Aron... We’re preventing you from bringing donations that you want to give... Because we don’t want it. We don’t need something that went out of style in 1924. We tried putting a security guard at the door. But you still bring stuff... The security guard is not to keep Sefardim out. There just haven't been any Sefardim in Topeka. They don't make those kind of mistakes... Amen?! It wasn't a Bracha... Let us welcome our new Sefardi congregant. Bruchim HaBaim... The Torah tells us what was needed. What to give. Worn out sandals, missing a sole, were not one of the things that the wise of heart brought to the Tabernacle... And your sandals also have no heart. (Shemot 36:8-13) Each tapestry was 28 cubits... They had plans. They didn’t just put it together like this sanctuary... Our board didn’t decide on renovations in the Tabernacle. Otherwise, you would’ve had random sheets hanging in awkward places. Why is there a drape hanging in right in the middle hallway... I don't care if it looks nice. It just makes it impossible to walk through the place... Of course they had 50 clasps. It didn’t fall, like the stucco on the inside of the shul... Who does stucco on the inside... Not Carole King... Amen?! Did the Sefardi guy say Amen again?!... The poor people drive is sad. What about a normal donation. Normal food. Like cans. We can only get you to bring your trash... Cleaning your home for Pesach does not constitute a donation... If Goodwill won’t take it, it’s not charity. Goodwill does not have a candy bar section... What we do support is our new congregant. Amisar. We want new congregants. That would be a good donation. If somebody donated new congregants... It's racist to think that Jews who look like they’re from the Middle East need to be checked by security... What does “looking like he's from Israel” mean?! He's darker. Exactly. If you guys would not be so pale... Why all the Amens... We have a new Sefardi congregant. I get it. OK. Welcome. It’s great to have you. Ashkenazim don’t interrupt sermons, unless if they hate the rabbi and want to disagree... I am not used to the support. Please stop that. I am used to not liking my congregants... Sefardi people didn't mess up this shul with donations of finger paintings that the Minkowitz family hung in the hallway. Amen... Yes. Amen. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was on with the puns. The Carole King Tapestry album reference, and no heart when talking about the sole. Brilliance. Kept everybody engaged, except for Fran who had no idea who Carole King was. Fran insisted that the rabbi only talk about Jewish girls. Point of the sermon. Never let our membership get involved in helping the shul. And they won’t. The donations are pathetic. It generally is trash. Literally, trash. Nobody has ever brought the shul a nice pair of gold earrings. Michal Negrin is the nicest stuff. It was the plastic jewelry. The bad donations. This is why poor people get diabetes. Our membership. Nobody is donating red meat in a fridge. By the way, cooked pasta is not a good donation because it will go bad. This is based on evidence from the donation box in the back of the shul that hasn't been brought to the Topeka food cupboard in over a month. How cans became the go to for poor people. They love cans. I think it was our congregants, getting rid of three-year-old tuna and hearts of palm that had two more months. If hearts of palm come in something that is not a can, please let me know. I've never seen it. The new Sefardi guy doesn't speak Hebrew. The rabbi said the congregants just are a bunch of racists who assume all Sefardim speak Hebrew, because they have that strong accent. The rabbi wasn’t happy with the Sefardic support. He didn’t know how to handle a congregant who supported and appreciates the rabbi. The new Sefardi, Amisar, said Amen to everything in the rabbi’s sermon. It was agreement. With Bernie and all the congregants asking questions, arguing with the rabbi, and going off on how the rabbi doesn’t know Torah, mixed with the Sefardi guy that respects rabbis, the sermon ended up going for an hour and ten minutes. His appreciating rabbis had everybody hating him. One congregant turned from questioning the rabbi to questioning the Sefardi guy with his support of the rabbi. Asking him why he would come to shul with that kind of support. To quote: “Never let that guy on the board. Sefardim on the board will kill the makeup of our congregation." To quote Fran's response: "We're about tradition. Only Jews that don’t like rabbis." Tags:
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The Mishloach Manot this year was pathetic. On behalf of the shul membership, we ask that nobody gives gift packages till next Purim. To quote Bernie, “I have enough junk left over from Halloween. I don’t need more bite size Snickers. I don’t take Snickers that have only one letter. I only take Snickers that has the full word on it.” We ask that all Kaddish people go to the Bima to say Kaddish together, so that Simmy doesn’t mess it up for everybody again, saying it off beat and making the mourners mad. We apologize to all the mourners on behalf of Simmy, for making your loss very not enjoyable. Everybody should have enough food to eat at home after the shul’s Purim meal. As it is a community meal, there will not be enough... People were asking if it was a holiday party. We did have a bouncy house. Hence, it was a holiday. Contemporary Halacha Class: The Requirement of a Bouncy House at All Shul Events According to the Torah. How to Make Mourners Mad with Kaddish and Mishloach Manot. How to Ensure Nobody Gets a Full Serving at a Purim Party. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It was after the Golden Calf. There was a plague and the Leviim killing people... The Leviim in our shul couldn’t kill a fly. The most they would do is wash a fly’s hands... Should we have destroyed the bouncy house? Probably. It’s what the children in our shul seem to pray to. The Levites should’ve taken a knife to it and deflated it. Hence, killing it... (Shemot 33:13) Moshe pleads to know Gd’s ways. I just want to understand why the board makes such dumb decisions. Why a Purim party consists of no Hamentashen... It’s Purim. Why do we have Danish? What did the Danish do to our people that we should be eating their ears?!!! (Shemot 33:15) Moshe says to H’, “If your presence doesn’t go (with us), do not bring us up from here.” And we have not seen Gd’s presence in Topeka. And thus, with this congregation, I am stuck not moving from Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You wouldn't remember if you saw Gd's presence last night. You were drunk. We need Gd’s presence to move ahead. To move out of Topeka. We don’t depend on a bouncy house when we don’t see Gd. Where is Gd's presence in Danish? And there are more questions about our board... I heard kids complaining about their Halloween food... There shouldn't be Halloween food. It's a Jewish holiday. There should be Christmas food. Leftovers from Christmas is fine, as Jews buy that after Christmas, when it's on sale. You don't have kids seeing Gd's presence when there is a ghost on their licorice. You don't end up knowing Gd's ways through a skeleton on your lawn... Even if it's made out of plastic. It's about knowing Gd's ways. Moshe's plea is what we strive for, and why we follow laws. It's why I stay away from board meetings... And then you put the disgusting leftover candy in the donation basket. Even the poor people didn’t like it... Nobody wanted leftover poppy seed... Even if it's in Hamentash form. Your Mishloach Manot made people not want to be Jewish. And now we have to find a way to get rid of it before Pesach... Simmy. Your Kaddish was off. You ruined everybody's mourning... Your father would’ve never wanted you to get every mourner in shul frustrated. H' wants happy mourners... It was two beats off. You don’t canon Kaddish. I believe that Phil was more angry about this Kaddish than his wife passing away... And then the mourners are still getting over Shiva and how the community stopped bringing them food after they got up from Shiva. Where is Gd’s Presence if there is no food... Leftovers at a meal are necessary. Leftover Halloween candy that you can't even throw at a Bar Mitzvah kid is not wanted... You don't throw chocolate with bunny rabbits at a Bar Mitzvah either. It's about cooking a lot. That is Gd's way when it comes to food. That is what makes a Jewish holiday... You guys never cook enough. I always need to eat leftovers at home. That is not Gd's way. Gd likes brisket. A lot of it. Is there Gd's presence where there is no brisket?... This was not a Seudah. It was a Purim snack. If you call it a meal, make sure it’s a meal. If there aren’t leftovers, there wasn’t enough. And H's presence is not felt. At least we have leftover Purim Danish... Because nobody ate it, Bernie. They didn't like it. It's not Hamentashen. It's Danishtashen. Because somehow the Danish wanted to hang Mordechai... Rivka's Rundown Yeah. Why do I pay for the shul meals when I have to cook a meal for the shul meal?! The rabbi is so correct. Where there is no food, there is no Gd's presence. And then idol worship happens. It's because of poppy seed Hamentashen. I got the worst packages. Halloween leftovers. It took me thirteen Mishloach Manot to finally realize people were giving me Snickers. I don’t like the Hershkovitzs anymore. Chutzpah to give a Mishloach Manot in a grocery bag. That much junk! And then with a smilie face on it. Chutzpah. Like they're rubbing it in that their house is now clean. Next year, I'm dumping everything I don't want in their Mishloach Manot. If I have a tin that's questionable recycle, I'm putting it on them. Let them figure it out. They're also getting open bags of licorice. The stale ones. Shul right after the Purim Seudah is not the greatest idea. It turns out they Daven slower when they're drunk. My husband didn't make it home till 11pm due to a very long LCha Dodi Nay Nay Nay extension. The children's connection to shul and Gd is a bouncy house. That is their temple. I was against the bouncy shul when the board proposed it. However, I do feel it would bring a lot more youth to our congregation. It was Hamentashen. It’s just that the local bakery makes Hamentashen with their Danish recipe. Between us, it's a scam. You think you're getting Hamentashen, and then you're getting a triangle blueberry Danish. And that's supposed to be Jewish. After the Hershkovitzs gave us that mound of trash, we were not happy. We took it out on the rest of the community. We made a Bar Mitzvah candy stoning pile and started throwing it at whoever showed up at our door and gave us Mishloach Manot. Hopefully, next Purim we will have no friends. Who needs friends when you can't even tell if it's a Snickers bar. A whole grocery bag and we thought it was a Mars bar the whole time. The Kaddish is truly off. I don’t even know when to say Amen. And then to see the angry looks. Phil even said, “My wife died for this?!” Tags:
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Our speaker this week will be giving a talk in support of Israel. There should be no talking during her presentation. It's not Davening. We ask that people keep the talking down in shul. We understand that you will not hold back from conversation. We just ask you to keep at an inside voice. Yelling about your child’s little league baseball success during Musaf is not necessary. You must be quiet for Parshat Zachor. It’s a commandment to hear it, so don’t talk. It’s not a Mitzvah to hear about Mini’s nieces. We must erase the memory of Amalek. We are trying to forget the membership of the shul. This Thursday night is Purim. We ask that Mike doesn’t dress up. His tight clothing scares the children. Contemporary Halacha Class: Being Loud When You Hear Haman, Like Mini Talking in Shul. How The Congregants in Our Shul are a Type of Haman (this class will be given by congregants). Why Mike Lost Custody of His Children and How That Relates to Grownups in Costume. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We would like to call up Dafney for Israel... I don’t know if Dafney is a Hebrew name. But she’s for Israel... Thank you. Beautiful speech about how Israel accepts homosexuals... What Dafney was saying is that Israel is accepting. Like the Ephod and Choshen that had the names of all the tribes... Sadie. Good question. Homosexual is not a tribe... When we crossed the Jordan, they were not allotted the land of Tel Aviv... When we look to our Parsha, we see the importance of clothing. You make clothes correctly... Many homosexuals do dress well. That is true. At least they were suits that fit. Unlike the men sitting in the back left... Clothes have meaning. You don’t just buy a suit from Kohl’s and call it a day. You get a tailor, so you don’t look like Bernie... You check for Shatnez and make sure it fits, Bernie. You’re swimming in the thing... Well. Husky is one size too many nowadays. You’re either in the mob, or you lost three hundred pounds, or your suit is from 1991. (Shemot 28:31) The Kohen Gadol's robe and the Ephod were turquoise wool. Looked good. A nice color. Not puke brown... (Shemot 28:33-35) The robe had to have pomegranates with gold bells all around. “...and he shall not die.” You have to make noise. You have to let H’ know you’re coming... Not like Reuven who has a conversation with Shloimi in the back of shul. Gd knows you’re talking... You're very loud when you talk. You all have to stop sneaking up on me with messed up questions at Kiddish. Announce it. Don’t announce it like Felvel’s suit... It’s too loud... Next time you come up to me and whisper a dumb question, I will attack you. You will die. The point is you dress nicely, and you don't scare people. You don't popup in shul dressed like Mike... Everybody loves greenish blue... Of course, not real pomegranates. That would stain the turquoise... Even your costumes are not appropriate for shul... Well, you could've dressed like a Mensch. Why did none of our congregants dress like a Mensch for Purim??? Your Purim costumes are not right. If the Kohen Gadol wore those into the Kodesh Kadashim, he would die... This is where “I would not be caught dead in that shirt” comes from. I hope we're not doing a costume parade this year. It's Asur. It's like Mardi Gras with a bunch of people who are not enjoying it... Jews don't smile when they dress in costumes if there is no alcohol involved... Grownups in costumes, like a teapot is scary to children. Grownups in costumes are considered not right for neighborhoods or our shul, Mike. Tight teapots are forbidden... Well, Mike, it keeps families from coming to shul for the holidays... Thank you for intertwining Purim and our shul, and how it would be a great Purim if our congregants were not in this shul anymore. Beautiful Dafney... I thought our members only talked when I’m talking. It turns out they talk whenever they have the chance to disrupt... It’s not Davening. Do you always talk in shul?! Is it just a thing that you can’t help. You come to shul and you feel, “Now is the time to talk”?!... Well Reuven. You're too loud... Then keep it down... You keep it down?! You shushed the Chazin. Told him he was ruining your conversation. "We are talking about my upcoming vacation to Panama.” The Kohen Gadol didn’t walk around talking to people about where they’re vacationing for Pesach. That conversation was not part of the service when he was atoning for your sins... We're about to read Parshat Zachor. Can you be quiet for that?! Just for that! I am not asking you to not talk for Dafney. You already talked during her speech... You have to remember Amalek to wipe them out... I do not know if Bernie is part of Amalek. We have to erase the memory of Amalek and the board. I am trying to erase the memory of the shul... And we remember. Just as Aharon wore the names of the tribes, we remember how disruptive our congregants are, and how not put together they look. And we must wipe out Amalek... We are all part of this community. Likutei Sichot of the Chabad Rebbe (vol.21 p186-187) teaches that the pomegranates represented the seemingly empty Jews, that are filled with seeds. The Kohen Gadol had to represent them. Empty Jews, i.e. our congregants... And yes. We include the Jews of Tel Aviv. Shloimi... Why is Shloimi talking to me now?! The Kohen Gadol didn’t wear the pomegranates and bells on his robe on Yom Kippur, because on that day we are all holy. Even the members of our shul that look like shlubs and talk all of Davening. And you don’t mess up your clothes as much, as your shoes can’t be leather... Pomegranates rub off the leather easier than Converse All Stars... The Jews with empty questions. I will stab you. Come up to me, like a Mensch. Come to shul dressed like a Mensch. It's not Yom Kippur... This has nothing to do with the Purim and Yom Kippurim Drasha... Rivka's Rundown Based on what we learn from the Kohen Gadol, our rabbi suggested he would shoot the next person who asked him a question at Kiddish. The rabbi threatened the congregation. After the rabbi let the membership know they will be stabbed if they come to him with a dumb question, nobody came to the rabbi for a couple of weeks. To quote our rabbi: "This has been the best two weeks of my tenure. I still had to see the congregants." People ended up not giving any money for Matanot LaEvyonim, gifts for the poor on Purim, because the rabbi hadn't told them how much to give, and they were too afraid to ask. The board didn't like the rabbi's threats, but they were too afraid to fire him. Which brought in a new era of the rabbi taking more vacation days without notice. I agree with the rabbi. Our congregants are pomegranates. They stain things. The rabbi gave the speech before reading Parshat Zachor today, because the message of people not talking was necessary to hear about killing Amalek, and how our congregants have annoying questions and don't dress like Menschin. How the rabbi got the no talking from wearing nice clothes and staining nice clothes with pomegranates, that is the brilliance of our leader. I agree with the rabbi. It would be nice if everybody wore turquoise. I would also like to not be surprise by our congregants coming over to me in Kiddish. I would like to see them from far away, so I could know if they were inching closer for conversation, so I could run. If they had on turquoise, I would be able to notice them better. Turquoise has that pop that I can catch with the corner of my eye, as Felvel is approaching the choolante. The only meaning of the clothes I see in the men’s section is that our congregants don’t care how they look. The old suit styles are like a Purim costumes. It's like those clown pants that people start walking out of. I will say that grownups in costume is wrong. You report that. You see a fifty year old in Barney walking down the street, that's a predator. You keep him away from the kids. Even if he's a hired entertainer. You keep kids away. Any grownup dressed as a teapot with tights, you report that. A Mensch would be a good costume. I've never seen one of our members dressed like one of those. The costume parade was messed up. It looked like a bunch of little kids not walking correctly. Orthotics. The amount of kids in our shul that need orthotics is messed up. Maybe it was the huge costumes that weighed them down in weird ways forcing them to wobble, maybe it was that they just had to go to the bathroom. I think it was orthotics. The rabbi called Dafney off the Bima in two minutes. She went off on how Israel should be loved because of homosexuality. The rabbi was fine with that. He just didn't think that would speak to the Muslim population that supports Gaza in our shul. Dafney only had a few people talking during her two-minute speech. After the rabbi told off the shul, and said shut up for Dafney, she got in a good paragraph of Israel advocacy. Then the rabbi threw her off the Bima. She was an excellent scholar-in-residence. Her speech costed the shul 3k. They talk so much. I think they forget they're in shul. That is the men in the back left. They even shushed some of the children. In the middle of the Torah service I heard Shloimi say, "Dad is trying to talk." I asked why he brought his kid to shul to shush him. He said shushing his kid is part of Chinuch, Jewish education. The rabbi suggested the congregants never talk. To quote, "Our relationship with Gd would be better if He didn't hear you." I don’t remember hearing Parshat Zachor. I only remember Shloimi screaming at his kid for talking when he was talking. Hearing Parshat Zachor is a commandment. So is honoring your parents. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Terumah2/28/2025
Announcements
We ask the men stop following the Torah with their eyes when we're walking around with the Torah. It's wrong to use the Torah for ulterior motives, such as checking out women. And it’s creepy Pinny. We understand you’re single, but it’s creepy. Song clappers are not better than anybody else. We ask that our members clap at a normal level of clap. We don’t need clapping showoffs in our shul. Clapping and jumping! We notice you. Baalei Gayva. We’re taking sermon donations. This week’s sermon is sponsored in honor of Mrs. Finkelwitz’s 90th birthday. The family wants everybody to know she’s suffered through sermons for 90 years. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Check Out Women Properly, at Kiddish. How to Be Noticed at Shul by Starting a Dance. How to Take Donations for Everything with Our Shul Board. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 26:9) "Fold the sixth sheet over the front of the tent.” So that it looks good. The shul’s curtain hasn’t been cleaned in years... Steam it. At least get out the folds. It’s not a non-iron curtain. The ark is a crease-iron curtain... They didn’t have non-iron curtains in the Tabernacle. The Mishkan had quality curtains... (Shemot 26:11) “...joining the tent together so that it becomes one.” Unlike our shul when it sings Adon Olam. It sounds like a hundred different songs, joining together into a hundred different unique songs of non-unison. Which sounds like people not singing along... I like the rhyming structure of the sermon as well, Sadie. Thank you. The sheets... Curtains Bernie. Yes. They’re bigger than sheets. It wasn’t bedding. The curtains join and become one. That is how the building is made for service of Gd... It’s not made with community quilts. You connect them right. You have the right holes and connections. You don’t have a board messing it up, with a president who has never hung anything in his life. You fold it nicely, unlike Pinny who’s never helped fold sheets in his house. He’s probably the reason for the messed up community quilt. All creased... And then, without the board, “It will be one"... The board would've ruined the Mishkan. And there are other coverings to make it look nice. Point is that you make the House of Gd look nice... A better paint job than stucco. We join as one, as the Mishkan, to make it beautiful... Joining as one does not mean singing "Etz Chaim Hi" so you can check out the women... It’s a Torah. It should not be used to check out the ladies in the front row. They’re kissing the Torah. It doesn’t mean they’re going to kiss you... Shloimi, get your head out of the Chumash. Becoming "one" means everybody together. It doesn't mean standing out with unified claps. The clappers are Baalei Gayva. Showing off... And they do the clap with that jump dance... You're doing it to be noticed. Nobody claps and jumps with the airplane dance in the middle of the Torah service to be discreet. I want to see any of you do that to not be noticed... Simcha is the only one who should be clapping. Simcha’s clap is inspired... Mazel Tov Mrs. Finkelwitz. You bring community together, just like my Drashas. My sermons bring community together. Your donation for the sermon will be used to bring the community together with better congregants... Rivka's Rundown The main takeaway from the sermon is that our shul's board would've ruined the Mishkan. It’s good our congregants didn’t help make the Tabernacle. If it was anything like the BBQ last week, in the snow, which didn’t get started, nothing would’ve come together. Pinny has definitely never folded anything in his life. If he had to iron anything, he would burn it. I always wondered why the guys all stood up and looked at the Chazin carrying the Torah back to the ark. It’s because they were walking near the women’s section and the guys were checking us out for Shidduchim. Some of the disgusting guys were hoping for more divorces. And they all sound inspired with Etz Chaim Hi. They’re just excited to think they might have a chance with Ruchel. This is why Pinny always shows off. He thinks he has a chance with Ruchel, so he starts clapping. The clappers have a lot of gall, always looking around when they're clapping. And there isn’t even a Torah to pretend they're not checking out everybody. The Torah's put back, it's the Kedusha in Musaf and they're bouncing and clapping, checking to see if Ruchel notices the loudness of their clap. I love how the clappers pretend like they're trying to be humble. And then they close their eyes. I've never seen somebody close their eyes so loudly. The singing in our shul is truly not in unison. I don't think anybody could argue that, especially once Pinny started his clapping to an applause beat during "Adon Olam." The shul is now taking sermon donations???!!! They take donations for Shalishudis, for Kiddish. No shame. Everything is a donation. The even auctioned off wings at the BBQ. I’m sure they’re going to start taking donations for Shacharit, sponsoring praying to Gd. Upon seeing Pinny clapping, they started taking donations for following the Torah with your eyes. The shul board said it was for a good cause. The following week, no single women showed to shul. The rabbi just said the donation for the sermon will be used to get better congregants. How? No idea. But the shul is making money off it. I think the rabbi truly wanted to say he doesn't like the membership. That was the message of the sermon. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Mishpatim2/23/2025
Announcements
We want to welcome Quevo to the congregation. It’s a great pleasure to have somebody who sounds so authentic when he prays. You and your family are very unique Jews. To quote Sharon, “They sound like real Jews. They might even be Sefardi.” We want to welcome all of the guests who came for the Berkstein Bar Mitzvah, who decided to vacation by us in cold. The shul ski trip has been cancelled. It has been decided that the trip would be better spent at a hotel without a slope. People who are out skiing don’t want to be told by members of the sisterhood that it’s dangerous and they’re going to catch pneumonia. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Different Kinds of Jews and How Not Everybody that is Jewish is Ashkenazi. Worst Places to Have Bar Mitzvahs. How to Catch Pneumonia by Listening to Our Congregants. How to Ruin Anything Fun- given by our sisterhood. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 22:6-15) If you’re watching something and you mess up, you have to pay for it... Like your kids. Gd gave you your kids and you mess them up... Mark. You don’t even watch your kids. And they’re still messed up... They’re messed up, Bernie. Have you seen these kids running around shul. If something gets stolen and you are benefiting from it, you're responsible when it’s under your guardianship. You have messed up the shul... A lot. Generations paid for our president to mess up this place. To take the money and mess it up... The roof is not leaking. Every year, you take the money from Bernie's grandparents, who people liked, unlike Bernie, and you fix the roof again... Then when you use the money to fix it, fix it... You're responsible for your animal, your child, even if it's just grazing. Have you seen your kid at Kiddish, sucking up Stella D'oros off the floor?! You have to pay the best of the field (Shemot 22:4). Your kids are a bunch of animals running around the shul, ruining stuff. You pay. You give the shul the best carpet... I've seen the Persian rug in your living room... A rug is a carpet. I think we have a congregational consensus... You give the shul the best Tonka truck. You give the candy man the best candies. These kids grazing lollipops... The candy man gets Tangy Taffy. The purple one... If they don't make it anymore, find it. It's about taking responsibility. And responsibility means giving of the best, and firing the president... Take responsibility. Responsibility when something is under your control, like your messed up kids. Responsibility for your racism. What's this big deal about "Sefardic Jews"? "Authentic"???! "He sounds Jewish"?! You’re racist... Not all Jews are Eastern European. And it's more offensive to Ashkenazi Jews. Felvel sounds very authentic for somebody who immigrated 70 years ago. Felvel still sounds like he lives in a Shtetl... That's authentic, Kerri. It’s Asur to be racist... Ashkenazim are not American Jews. You said you’re impressed with the “accent of those people.” "Those people" is racist. It's same as saying, "Stay away from them. They're going to take your money"... Sefardic Jews don't take your money. AShkenazi Jews are also authentic. Authentic and racist. It’s about taking responsibility and raising your kids right, so they don’t graze... Who goes someplace colder, without a ski slope... I understand it’s your nephew, but you should’ve skipped Dov’s Bar Mitzvah... Take responsibility for the worst Bar Mitzvah. It's not the best of Bar Mitzvahs. And Dov messed up Layning. Worst Torah reading... Who doesn't ski, but wants a hotel on a slope... You like sloped hotels?! Not one of you has ever skied. You’ve sat in the lodge. A hotel makes more sense... You should've had a destination Bar Mitzvah. Away from the shul... You guys make me sick. Thought I would put that in there. I'm taking responsibility for how annoying of a congregation this is... It's about thinking about others. About not taking them to a Bar Mitzvah where they're going to freeze. It's about allowing Quevo to be Eastern European.... The point is to be kind and nice to people. That is the basis of responsibility. Caring about others when you mess up. And that means congregants... (Shemot 22:20) “Do not taunt or oppress the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” I feel like a stranger in this shul, with people that do the dumbest things. A bunch of Vilde Chayas. People that say the dumbest things. "Quevo is Sefardi." We have to accept it... Well, you’re accepting your kids too much. And Quevo is an Eastern European Mizrachi Jew. Do unto others as you would want done to you... We were slaves Bernie... Right now, we're slaves to America, with three story homes and backyards, and three car garages, and vacations down to Florida. Slaves, Bernie. Slaves. Have you heard the sisterhood when they're cooking?! "We're slaving in the kitchen..." Be kind and watch your kids. Do your part as parents... Mark is just a messed-up dad. Don’t have him watching over your kids... When you give something to somebody, to make up for what you did, you give the best. It’s about the importance of others. You give your rabbi a raise. The best raise... Ski lodges are not the best, if you’re not skiing. Rivka's Rundown Finally, a rabbi who doesn't want kids around. The main point of the sermon is the kids of the shul are animals. The kids in our shul are messed up. Especially the Simchovitz twins. It might be that I am just always seeing one of them cause trouble, and then I think it's one kid. But it's two messed up kids. If I split up the annoyance of the Simchovitz twins, they might be better than Mark's kids. It's just that they're identical. The rabbi loves the kids, he just doesn't want to see them. Because the parents are messed up. Come to think about it, I think the rabbi was telling the parents they're messed up, through talking about their kids. Especially Mark. Mark is messed up. I don't like the idea of the people of our shul taking responsibility for anything. They'll just mess it up. The president is definitely syphoning funds for dumb ideas, like the winter barbeque. Everybody thought it was a brilliant idea. And nobody showed up because, as the president said, "It was too cold." Quevo sounds Jewish. It just is what it is. It's that Middle Eastern sounding thing. "Those people" is a very racist thing to say. Same with “authentic.” “They say” is also racist. Anytime you’re vague, you’re being racist. That’s how my parents did it. “Don’t go shopping late at night. Those people are there.” Those people were never Ashkenazim. I always thought it was authentic people that were giving over the weather. “They say it’s going to be cold out.” Anything Quevo does now is considered Jewish, because his accent sounds Israeli. Everybody trusts him and nobody listens to the rabbi. Our congregants are enamored by Sefardic Jews. They were so enamored by Quevo, they started touching his face. One member said it feels different. I think that's because Quevo has a beard. The rabbi was suggesting he wanted the Bar Mitzvah to take place away from the shul, so he wouldn't have to be there. The Bar Mitzvah was spent with people trying to keep warm. A lot of shivering guests. They came and complained about snow the whole time. Some of us brought up the idea of a coat in February. Between us, you have to be a fool to leave Florida in the winter. What I got from the sermon was that people have to take responsibility for when they mess up, and they have to pay back with the best. And the Bar Mitzvah family messed up by bringing everybody to Topeka during the winter. And for that, they have to give good canty. Tangy Taffy is the best candy. It's a shame they don't make it anymore. If they handed out Tangy Taffy to throw at the Bar Mitzvah boy, nobody would throw it. Our sisterhood at a ski slope is a Chilul H’. A desecration of Gd's name. They go and cook and tell people they’re going to catch pneumonia. There are places for us to be Jewish mothers. A ski slope is not one of them. The gym is also not a good place for Jewish mothers. Nobody needs one of us spotting them in the middle of a set. With three-hundred pounds of weight in their arms, they don't need to hear me yelling, "Why are you lifting so much?! It's dangerous!" The class on catching pneumonia from congregants was a class given by the rabbi about how they make him sick. After the class he didn’t show to shul for a week. He got pneumonia. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Yitro2/16/2025
Announcements
The shul is asking members to stop calling due to upset stomachs. Eating too many dried fruit is not a spiritual matter. It is one of health. Eating dried dates and figs in colossal amounts will also hurt your stomach when it’s not Tu BShvat. Rabbi Request: Please consult your doctor. They get paid to deal with your annoying questions. Snow exists. Again. You can pray for it to melt, or you can shovel your driveway. Either way, there is no excuse to not be at Minyin. Due to the Super Bowl and Kanye, we ask all Jews to stay away from rap concerts, for their protection. The Jewish day school wants everybody to know, their children not being educated is their fault. They also blame the rabbi. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Visit Your Doctor, Who Cares, And Not a Rabbi. How to Shovel a Driveway and Not Complain: Getting Our of a Driveway to Go to Shul. Not Having Good Deals on Coats Doesn’t Make A Store Owner an Anti-Semite. Not Sending Kids To School: Best Way to Educate Your Children. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 18:24-26) Moshe took his father-in-law’s advice and set up leaders of smaller numbers to judge. Leaders take advice when it makes sense. Not when Shmuli and Nachum come with a complaint about the chandelier in the chapel. Not when Ruchie goes off about the committee meeting about the hat sale. Which by the way was awful... It was awful. You didn't even purchase hats to sell, because the hats were too expensive... Then they should've bought them online. You sitting in front of a computer with them is not a hat sale... You called it the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah Boutique Hat Sale. You can't have a boutique online... Even with two hats. And you should listen to your father-in-law, Yankel, and move... (Shemot 18:27) “And Moshe sent his father-in-law away...” Moshe realized he would start giving more advice. And father-in-laws can get annoying. But he did take that original advice. Yankel, leave the shul... Sometimes distance is important. Which is why I am asking for a five month vacation from you. The congregants. So, that I can like you. I believe I will like you from Israel... Leaders must judge, which is why I say this shul is messed up. I will tell you the truth. As your judge of the multitudes of the six people that show up to Minyin, I will express judgment... Unlike Yirto, you make no sense. Belief in Gd doesn’t stop your stomach from hurting when you’ve eaten four pounds of dried apricot... Tu BShvat is an important holiday, but you will get fat from dried fruit. It has sugar in it on Tu BShvat too. Your doctor should be consulted for hurt stomach and proper diet... Proper diet is Kosher. Yes. Kosher is the part I take care of. I make sure it is Kosher and that you can get heavy from it. Your doctor tells you why the Kosher food is hurting your stomach. I can't tell you that. I can only tell you how to enjoy it... Distance yourself from dried fruit for a bit. You have already distanced from shul... You can’t blame me for snow. I like snow. Especially because it keeps congregants from coming to shul... We need at least ten of you guys. You definitely have money for a plow. You haven’t paid dues. Listen and do things right. And distance yourself from what is wrong... No. Come to shul. We need at least ten of you. As your leader who saw the Super Bowl, you're not allowed to listen to rap anymore... Rap seems to have moved to antisemitism. Bernie. I think you would make a great rapper. You're an anti-Semite... Well. You disrupt sermons... The Beastie Boys are the worst. Ever heard “Fight For Your Right to Party”? They were skipping Minyin that day... Who depends on school for education?! Exactly! Why is this also my fault... I was not in the Heimfeld home fighting when you got divorced... The school is messed up. We all know it. Not one kid knew how to sing "Tu BShvat Higiah Chag Lailanot." Pathetic. Distance yourself from school. Listen to your rabbi... (Shemot 18:23) Yitro tells Moshe that if he does “this thing” of properly setting up courts and judges, and not wearing out people through his judgment alone, they will “endure and this entire people will arrive at its destination with Shalom.” Here, there is no proper judgment. Hence fighting like the Heimfeld family... The destination is Israel, for your rabbi, to get away from you, for Shalom... In order for Shalom, you have to listen and sometimes get rid of things. Like the shul president. And as Moshe sent away his father-in-law, I am asking we get rid of the shul president and send him anywhere... Another shul is fine. Let him preside over there. Let him bring them the curse of fights and anti-Semitic rap music... You listened to me?! Now please, go. Rivka's Rundown And the rabbi ended up leaving the shul and going home early. He didn't even stay for Musaf. He used Yitro as an excuse to run. The hat sale was awful. Ruchie thought her no brim hat was beautiful. I thought it was a swim cap. The rest of the sale was online. They should've called it an Online Garage Sale. That would've made more sense than calling it Boutique. The rabbi can't stand Yankel. Wants him out of the shul. The rabbi wants most of the congregants out of the shul. But he realizes he needs ten for a Minyin. The rabbi's concept is to lead the congregants from very far away. He believes that will allow him to love them more. Anything that allows him to not see them, allows him to like them more. The rabbi did ask the president to leave, for a blessing, so that the shul can be successful. To quote the rabbi, "The difference between you and Yitro is his advice was helpful." He also asked for himself to be relocated for peace. Due to the advice to see the doctor instead of the rabbi, many congregants showed up to shul. They were appreciative to the shul board for the announcements, as coming to shul to see their doctors saved them on the copay. The rabbi refused to be blamed for snow, even though he is a spiritual man who is connected to Gd. I love the Beastie Boys. That’s my connection to Yiddishkeit. I heard Paul’s Boutique and I realized I can be a good Jew too, without keeping Mitzvot. Fran swore Burlington is run by anti-Semites, as the pre-winter sale was shvach. At least the Jewish day school has now distanced themselves from the requirement to educate the children they teach. Before that, parents expected the teachers at the school to teach their children. Now, expectations can be met. Once some parents decided it was better to educate their children by bringing them to shul, the rabbi rescinded and told them school is better. The rabbi did say, "If you want me to educate your children, that's 18k a year plus shul dues." They hadn't paid last year's dues yet. The Heimfelds also fought at shul. It's weird. I am still trying to figure out why they got divorced. Half of Kiddish is couples fighting. Fighting has never broken up a marriage before in our congregation. The how to shovel a driveway class had many people complaining. Tags:
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After the Super Bowl and Kanye West, it seems that the public has again accepted anti-Semitic rhetoric as fine. I spoke with a Jewish local rap artist, Shloimi Yankel, to find out what he thinks about these rap artists who seem to be anti-Semitic. It turned into a discussion about how you have to accept how people identify. It turned into a modern discussion of what a Jew is.
What do you think about pulling out a Palestinian flag in the middle of the rap show at the Super Bowl? I didn't know Kendrick Lamar was Palestinian. Does he identify as Palestinian? Maybe. Then he is. I think it was one of the dancers that pulled it out. Even if he’s not from Palestine, he’s a Palestinian? Yes. You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify. Thank you. That is profound. I thought you needed something of relevance to identify. So, if somebody says they're Jewish, they're Jewish. If they identify that way, then they are. What do you think about the idea of conversion? It's wrong. Somebody says they want to be Jewish. They're Jewish. They get an Aliyah to the Torah. They are part of the covenant of Avraham. So conversion is not necessary. Only if somebody wants to identify as a convert. So, is Kendrick Lamar a rapper. If he identifies as one. I don’t know what he’s singing. I don’t think it rhymes enough for it to be rap. That’s wrong of you. To have an opinion. Yes. Opinions are wrong. Let’s say I identify as somebody with an opinion? Then it’s right. What about Stevie Wonder? If he identifies as a rapper, he's a rapper. If he identifies as somebody with opinions, he can have opinions. And James Taylor. Definitely a rap artist. That's how he identifies. So, is Kanye West an anti-Semite. I have to ask him. If he identifies as an anti-Semite, he's an anti-Semite. I see you're quite progressive. I identify as progressive. I even get my insurance from them. This interview was going nowhere. And I was identifying as somebody who wanted to hurt this Jewish rap artist. So far, it turned out Shloimi Yankel actually thinks nothing. But I had to continue the interview to see if he did have a real thought to share. What do you think about Kanye West? He's Jewish. No. He's not. He says he is. How does that make him Jewish. He said he's Jewish. He's Jewish. He said he's a Nazi. He's a Jewish Nazi. He's an artistic Jewish Nazi who hates Jews. And that's fine. You can identify and hate yourself. Have you dealt with antisemitism while singing? Yes. Many people don't like my songs. How is that anti-Semitic? My Music is Jewish. But you sing about love and your girlfriend. Love is Jewish. Shir Hashirim? I take those lessons to heart. Back to antisemitism. Anytime I perform and people don't give me a standing ovation, I chalk it up to antisemitism. I perform for a lot of anti-Semites. Nobody stood to applaud at your show for the shul last month. Anit-Semites. But the congregants don’t identify as anti-Semites. But they are. They didn’t clap. I once spoke with the rabbi. He said he deals with the board, and they are anti-Semites. So, there is a loophole. If people don’t identify as anti-Semites and don’t like your music, they’re anti-Semites. Exactly. How much antisemitism is there in the songwriter community? Just listen to the lyrics. “Backstreet’s back alright.” That means the Backstreet Boys are back at hating Jews. So. In conclusion. Is rap anti-Semitic? If it identifies that way. Let's say the rapper holds up a Palestinian flag that says "From the river to the sea." Is that anti-Semitic? If the rapper says it's anti-Semitic, then I accept how he identifies with that flag. I don't think we're getting anywhere. If that is how you feel. If you identify this meeting that way. Final statement. It's not right for us to judge Kanye as an anti-Semite, if he identifies that way. We should not judge him as an anti-Semite, the same way we expect for him to not judge us as Jews. Kanye West is a Jewish Nazi and that is fine. So. What is Judaism? However one defines it. So, Judaism doesn’t exist. According to Kanye and that guy running around with the flag at the Super Bowl. So, they may not even hate Jews. Kanye might just hate his agents. Exactly. He’s an anti-agent-semite. Conclusion It turns out that nowadays being Jewish means nothing unless if people want to kill you. How this turned into a discussion of people identifying as anti-Semites, and that somehow being a heritage, I don’t know. I do know that people hate Jews because of this rapper. At least they don’t give him standing ovations. After this interview, I made a point of never interviewing anybody under forty years of age again. I felt like I was interviewing Kanye West. It's amazing how after all the events our people have been through over the last year and a half, that this Jewish kid still can't figure out identity. “You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify.” That statement said it all. I am confused. I am confused and I wonder if there is any relevance of communication when anybody can say what they are, claim it, and hate Jews and want to kill Jews, who somehow don’t even exist. It was comforting to know that our rapper friend Shloimi Yankel still had a strong enough Jewish identity to note, like any good Jew, that when something does not work in his favor, it’s because of anti-Semites. Though, he did say to call him The Artist Formerly Known as Shloimi Yankel. Tags:
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Announcements
The food drive for the homeless brought in some excellent steaks. Prime cuts. It is very kind and thoughtful of our community to think of the homeless, giving them due respect of having fridges and grills in their tents on the streets. We will not be planting a tree in the middle of the sanctuary for Tu BShvat, as the board suggested. The rabbi says it feels like it's idol worship. He also said treating Mark kindly because he is a fool who has money is idol worship, even if he has an Olympic pool and pickleball court in the backyard. He’s also sure that the president of the shul is a heretic. Shul Notice: Dried fruit will also make you fat. We will host a Tu BShvat Seder for all the heretics. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Help the Homeless Like our Sisterhood. How to Not Have a Shul Full of Idol worshipers or Congregants. How to Keep the Laws of Tu BShvat and Not Be A Religious Jew. How Our Congregants Find a Way to Put On Weight Even When There is No Holiday. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s Shabbat Shira, The Sabbath of Song, and we’re asking our congregants to not sing... Have you heard yourself sing? Bernie. You sound like a congregant... (Shemot 14:15) At the sea, with the Egyptians right there and the Jews crying, H’ says to Moshe, “Why do you cry out to me, speak to the children of Israel and journey.” Sometimes you have to do stuff. Stop talking. Stop praying and do stuff. Turn to Shimon and say, "Stop coughing already." Stop praying for Merv to stop telling you jokes. Tell him, "We've already heard the joke about the priest. We didn't like it. We're not going to like it now." Let the sisterhood know you don't want dried figs at Kiddish, just because Tu BShvat is coming up. Sometimes you have to do... Your prayers aren’t answered because you sing bad. Your harmony is off. Sometimes we have to depend on ourselves. Which is hard with our shul board... First you have to do something and fire the board. Hishtadlus. Gd steps in when you don't have a shul board... Because they will ruin it. They ruin everything. Rashi’s first teaching is that Moshe was praying at this moment. H’ is saying when Israel is in distress, it’s not the time for lengthy prayer. Between us. It's easier to pray than to be out there fighting the war. It's also easier to pray than to be out there raising money and sending money and clothes to our brethren and sisteren in Israel... Shira. You do a great job praying. You've given nothing... Prayer is important. But we must act... You say one Tehillim Shira. Then you're off to the salon. You have a lot more time. The point is what you do with the sisterhood isn't helpful. Raising money for Israel to host a falafel night for the sisterhood does not help Israel... There are times for action. The food drive is not the kind of action we are talking about. We’re talking about helpful action... I took the steak... Homeless people don’t have fridges. They’re homeless. What are they going to do with steak?... Invite them to your home and cook it for them. In the meantime, I took the steak... Your actions are idol worship. A tree in the middle of the shul?! It’s like you want to turn our shul into Rockefeller Center. Last year you asked for an ice skating rink around the Bima... Idol worship. Every one of you... Pickleball with a heretic is idol worship. Be it Mark or the shul president... Mark's dues make him a Tzadik. He pays dues. So, we like him. But you shouldn't look up to him... Dues are different. Dues are Teshuva. Repentance... Actions affect us even if we don't know how. How the board can be so annoying. I don't know. It just is. How does healthy food make you fat? I don’t know. I just know Shlomo and Hana put on thirty pounds last Tu BShvat. Dried fruit and nuts. The Tu BShvat Seder did it... Dried fruit will make you fat. SO2 keeps it in you longer. The sulfur dioxide just keeps the fat there... Other stuff also puts weight on you. Your Nishama Yeteira, the extra Shabbat soul, should not be there all week... Ms. Melsowitz. You have four Nishama Yeteiras. I suggest you get rid of three of them. You only need one extra soul. It's action. We pray for positive action... Is Tu BShvat Seder positive? Good religious Jews don’t care about the environment. When you have fifteen kids, you use plastic... I didn’t say to not pray. Sometimes action is needed. H’ will do His part. But you have to stop complaining. Shimon. You don't deserve an Aliyah this week... Do something positive with your lives and Gd might help. Maybe pay your dues and the shul will have a better Kiddish and a fixed leak. You come and pray for it. How about you pay for it... And you all complain about dried fruit hurting your stomachs. Always complaining, like the Jews being chased by the Egyptians... (Shemot 14:12) “It’s better for us to serve Egypt than to die in the desert.” Well is it? Let's see. It's definitely not better to be the rabbi at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... They were willing to go back to Egypt and be slaves. Is that really living?! Sometimes you have to take a stand and say, “No. There will not be a tree in this shul. And I can't stand the Chazin. The president. And now the sisterhood is having perishable food drives for homeless people...” Are you really living if you’re not eating dried fruit?! If your fruit is fresh, is that living, or servitude?! And why dried fruit in the food drive? Are you trying to kill homeless people's stomachs?! This Shabbat Shira, before Tu BShvat, I just pray we can hear the beautiful sound of nature and not have to listen to congregants complaining. May we not hear the sounds of our congregation, or witness any of their actions... I fear the actions of our board. You mess up stuff. Maybe our congregation should just pray. Pray with no song... Just say the "Az Yashir." Rivka's Rundown Thank Gd it was Shabbat. Otherwise, the women would've brought out their hand drums. “You sound like a congregant” is a hurtful statement. I've heard them sing. The rabbi is sick of hearing the congregants complain. Yet, he says it's better than them singing. This is why he is also fine with them praying in spoken form. It was the only good falafel night we've had. I commend the sisterhood on that. Israel got no money from it. But we did feel Israeli solidarity with good falafel. I like to think that our eating falafel touched the hearts of our brothers and sisters in Israel. The rabbi took all perishable items. Including steak, salmon, and hamburgers somebody grilled and dropped off for the homeless. He took them home, put it in his freezer. As he said, "I haven't received a raise in five years. Two hundred dollars of ribeye is a start." It was the first time a food drive included cooked food in a home the homeless weren’t invited to. It was almost as helpful as our eating falafel was to Israel. It was the closest our shul ever came to a food kitchen. To quote the president of our sisterhood, “We don’t feed people in our food kitchen." Anything that seems like something they would do in Manhattan for Xmas, the board feels is a good design for our shul. It’s that whole HGTV thing. It’s good the rabbi banned HGTV watching. I also couldn’t stand listening to them and their 200k home renovation concepts on their 125k homes. Since our congregants stopped watching HGTV, they've been focusing on their cars. One put turning gold rims on their Ford Fusion. I believe the rabbi was teaching us that Mark's money is good if it is given for to the shul. Otherwise, forbidden. The rabbi's main lesson of Tu BShvat this year is that natural foods that are full of SO2 and sugar can also make you fat. The rabbi did make it clear that the Nishama Yetira can get heavy. That definitely helped bring down the amount of food consumption at Kiddish. All the heretics will definitely show up for the Tu BSHvat Seder. To quote our rabbi, "Only heretics keep Jewish traditions that connect the earth to Gd. The rest of the good Jews eat deli." "Come and pray for it. How about pay for it." That quote lost us half the membership. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Bo2/2/2025
Announcements
The rabbi banned watching HGTV. Home renovation TV shows are now forbidden. Too many congregants are renovating their homes and not paying dues. The rabbi says you can make a home look Jewish, even if it's not an open concept. The rabbi forbids open concept living. To quote the rabbi: “The only open concept Jews are allowed to work with is in the wilderness.” We want to wish a Mazel Tov to Yitzi’s mom. Best Anim Zemirot ever. Your son is a future Chazin. He is so much better than the other kids. Seeing Yitzi perform makes the Bar Mitzvah boys look like toddlers. There will be Layning lessons for kids over Bar Mitzvahed. Now that Yitzi is leading Anim Zemirot, it’s about time the fifteen-year-old, Mordy, learns to read the Torah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Renovate Your House Like a Jew and Clean For Pesach. How to Grow Up and Move Past Leading Adon Olam At Fifteen. Mastering Not Being an Eight-Year-Old, When You Are Fifteen. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 10:9) With the young and the old Moshe and Aharon want to take everybody to pray to H’. Including kids. That is what our congregants do. Make a lot of noise during Davening and have their kids run around. Paroh sees the problem. Because he has Kavanah when he prays... Moshe wanted the kids to pray properly and sacrifice right. He wanted them to join in the service to H' and keep quiet. Not like Moishie. And why is Moishie in for the sermon?!... Moshe would've kicked out Moishie for the sermon. (Shemot 10:24) After the plague of darkness, Paroh says that the kids can go and pray with them. “Only flock and cattle shall remain behind”... Kids get scared in the dark. Paroh didn’t want them around anymore. The new window renovations have added a plague of darkness to our sanctuary. That's what watching HGTV does... (Shemot 10:25-26) Moshe tells Paroh that the offerings come too. The people and the offerings. “And our livestock will also go with us,” Yous serve H’ with everything. You serve H’ with all you have, including livestock. But you keep kids out of shul... Because they add nothing. Absolutely nothing. And you pay your dues. Your dues are part of everything... And they even asked for vessels of silver and gold from the Egyptians (Shemot 11:3). When it comes to serving Gd, it’s everything. Which makes me ask why we are still using plastic utensils at Kiddish... The environment is important to H' too... You serve H’ with your home... Not an open concept. Your home looks like a plague hit. From one room, you can see the mess of the whole house... No more renovations. Focus on your home being tidy and clean. No more renovations. Open concept is Asur... It’s not Tzanua. You need closed rooms... Hachnasat Orchin, having guests is important. A closed concept and an open home... The Beit HaMikdash had chambers. Closed concept... There goes Bernie again. It would be great if the shul had a closed concept to members. You want to renovate? Give money to the Beit Midrash... Here’s a home renovation for the Finkelmans. Sefarim. Jewish books. A Jewish concept. Maybe make your house look a little Jewish... Buy Sefarim for the Beit Midrash. Learn about Mitzvot, not open concepts... Modern means no personality. Not Jewish. No Merv, Max or Bernie in your house. The shul needs a modern makeover of that sort... Yes. You out of the shul, Bernie... You don’t get a discount on dues. This isn’t taxes... And shul renovations stop now. It is too much. A waste of money... No open concept in the shul. It’s a Mechitzah. It has to be there... Pesach cleaning. That is renovations. Getting the dirt off the floor. Scrubbing a bit. Is Moishie still sitting here?!... Why has nobody moved Moishie?! He has parents... I think they would've been Eruv Rav. What do the kids in our shul add??? Other than Yitzi. Love that kid. The way he bangs the table. A star. You serve H’ with how you pray. And we want decent kids leading services. Moshe didn’t have messed up kids leading Anim Zemirot. Yitzi is so much better than all of your other kids in this shul... Yes. Esther. Yitzi is so much better than your son... And your son is fifteen. Can we get Yitzi up here... Moshe would've had Yitzi singing along with the services. Yitzi. You are our new Anim Zemiort kid. First time, and you didn't ruin it... You didn't have to hit it out of the park. After hearing some of the other kids in our shul, you just had to not ruin the prayer for us... Fast and loud. When you reach Bar Mitzvah, we're firing the Chazin. And you outshined the kid you were doing it with. He just has it. Finally, a decent Anim Zemirot leader... May we all share in redemption. A redemption where we have a decent Chazin and Mordy doesn't lead in Anim Zemirot. A redemption where the sisterhood doesn't do any renovations on the shul... A redemption with beautiful singing with a closed concept to harmony by our congregants. Amen! Rivka's Rundown Truth is the parents let the kids do whatever they want in the shul. The rabbi is right. They probably would've left our youth in Egypt. The fact that Moishie was in the sermon sitting on the Bima the whole sermon was normal for our congregants. The rabbi telling everybody the environment is important had many of our members questioning their childhood, and if Sukkot and Pesach with thirty guests was allowed according to Jewish law, with the caused plastic utensil landfill. After the sermon, congregants wrote letters of protest to HGTV. Many said they were anti-Semites because their renovations are too expensive. One congregant told them that not one renovation included a Shabbis Lichter (candelabra). Some even wrote their senators. Some people went fully open concept. Had glass walls for bedrooms. Open concept has gone too far. And they all want it to look new. Warmth. No warmth in any house. They get rid of everything beautiful in a house and make it modern. Which means white and not lived in. I think the goal is germ free. For everything to look like a hospital. That’s modern. And they are so excited. “Our house feels like the hospital surgical unit. No personality. Perfectly reflects us.” And HGTV is so happy to take all the personality out. That’s what they do as designers. One of them saw a hospital and said, "We should have scalpels in every home." Hence, they have utensil drawers in the kitchen. Love how the rabbi equated Yitziat Mitzrayim and the desert with open concept, telling everybody that nobody liked the Jewish concept of living in the wilderness. If people had cleaner homes, they would look good. If our members mowed their lawns. Instead, they want to just break it all down. The rabbi went off on how great Yitzi is for a good half hour. More correctly, he let all the other kids know they’re not as good as Yitzi. And how their parents’ renovations are only there in hopes that their children will leave the house. Yitzi truly is good. He's already banging on the table and tapping his feet. Other kids stopped showing up. They can’t compete. I think those classes for the pathetic fifteen-year-olds still leading in Anim Zemirot were for Mordy. When you're fifteen, learn how to lead regular services. I agree. It's pathetic. It's messed up. They get stuck mastering Anim Zemirot and they want to do it for the rest of their lives. Bernie still jumps up for Anim Zemirot every once in a while. He's ninety something. Still can't Layn. The Chazin started looking for a new job after the sermon. He saw how good Yitzi was with his foot tapping. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaEra1/26/2025
Announcements
Congregants should not be scared of the terrorist prisoner release. Our shul has dealt with college students for the past few years. We understand ceasefires are a scary thing. But know you’ve already lived through college students. The rabbi says moving to Israel is the right thing to do. To quote our rabbi: “Moving to Israel and selling your house ensures you are not in Topeka. You already haven’t paid your dues.” The Gabai is allowed to give Haftorah to whomever he would like. It is part of the services. Even if you are usually at Kiddish club getting drunk during the Haftorah, it’s still part of the services. The rabbi can give it to you. And you will have to read not under the influence. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Fight Off College Students Without the Help of Tzahal. You Moving to Israel: How to Bring Shalom to Our Shul. Why Leaving Services to Get Drunk Might Not Be the Right Thing to Do. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are all affected by our previous actions. Which is why the members of this congregation are so messed up. Previous actions is also the reason we are still having the Walk for Our Elders in the Snow Fundraiser... It’s freezing and last year three of our senior citizens caught pneumonia. But dumb decisions lead to dumb decisions and that is why we have our board... (Shemot 7:3) Gd says, “And I will harden Paroh’s heart.” Everybody is always worried "but Paroh didn't have free will." Nobody cares about the fact he was whipping Jews. He was murdering little babies, but you're worried about Paroh's mental well-being. Paroh needs a safe space to express himself. If that means murdering Jewish babies... Does H’ really harden Paroh’s heart. The commentaries teach that it’s habit. It’s habit that causes us not to change. It’s habit that makes us evil. We get used to something and at that point, our hearts are hardened. And then you have our board... Congregants give up. No need for me to go into detail about how none of our members help the elderly anymore... H’ does that final action. He’s there to aid us in our stupid... You guys go out to drink. You’re used to it. You come to shul to drink. Most come to Daven. You come to drink. Because that's your habit. Your free will that turned into a fixed state of drunkenness... You should participate in the services. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah so he could participate... First time you didn’t get drunk at services since your Bar Mitzvah... That’s what Haftorahs do. They keep you from the Kiddish Club and sober for Musaf... First time you've read Haftorah not under the influence, and you still made mistakes... Your family was definitely drinking at your Bar Mitzvah. Having to listen to you reading up there. Let's talk about the Kiddish Club for a second. The club with all the hardened hearts of the fools.... That's what alcohol does. It brings out the fools. What kind of club is it? What's the goal of the club? To get you drunk for Musaf. The Freemasons are looking to build a better future. The Kiddish Club is there to get out of prayers and come back in a way that lets your kids down... Yonatan. Your children are going to show up to shul and have flashbacks to Musaf with drunk dad puking on them. You're the only club that makes it a point to not help. Even the sisterhood does more than you. The point of the club is to get out of Davening... That’s the right of the Levis and Cohens. They can leave services to wash hands... I know some of them don’t come back. But at least they leave for the right reasons... Our congregants leaving is a good thing. Which is why you should move to Israel. All Kiddish Club members should move to Israel. Moving to Israel is the right thing. Yishuv HaAretz... Yishuv HaAretz has nothing to do with a huge hotel breakfast... When you move there, you can’t afford the huge breakfast. Unless at the Dead Sea. It's cheaper there for some reason. The huge breakfast is for tourists. They call it the Israeli breakfast, because tourists who visit Israelis can afford it. You should move to Israel... Jobs?! H’ provides in Israel... H' hardens the hearts of the Kiddish Club and provides in Israel. What do you do here that’s helpful... You make money, but you’re not helpful. It’s safe in Israel. I’m sending you to the Jewish homeland. With terrorists right there... Well. We have college students here. Being scared is a habit. No matter what the habit, you get stuck there. It's a habit and your heart is stuck. If it's drinking, killing people, or not moving from Topeka. You're scared, because you're stuck... You even wrote to Bibi to send soldiers to our shul to help fight off students. Some of these college campuses are full of terrorists... Students. Terrorists. Activists. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. At least you can see the face of the terrorists... I’m not scared to move to Israel. I’ve had to deal with the congregants already... Your heart has been hardened to Aliyah. To moving to Israel... Moshe had a hard time and was scared. He didn’t know how to lead. How to speak up. Kind of like the president of our shul. But he was self-aware... Maybe he didn’t have a Jewish day school education. Egyptian public schools do not make orators. Again. Moshe expresses his worry and tells H’ (Shemot 6:30) “I have sealed lips, so how will Paroh obey me.” If you can't talk, who will listen?... I know you don't listen to my Dvar Torahs, Bernie. I get it... His lips were hardened. Again, habit. A habit that wouldn't be a bad thing if Bernie adopted it. How do we get out of this rut? How do we change our habits of being a congregant and drunk? How does one not be scared anymore? How do unharden the heart of the board? How do congregants move to Israel? (Shemot 7:1) H’ tells Moshe, “See. I have made you a master to Paroh, and Aharon, your brother. will be your spokesman...” The Kiddish Club just can't stop talking. That's not a help. H' is telling Moshe that the way to get out of this habit is to know that there are others to help. There is Aharon there to help him change his habit. His worry. His fear. And I have a fear that old people walking in the frozen snow is not healthy... We have to depend on others sometimes. His brother. Right there. Right in front of him. That is the one who is there to help. And Moshe couldn't see that. The same way the board can't see that the programming in this shul is messed up, and that the shul would be better if most of the congregants moved to Israel... With the help of his brother, he was able to be a master. Once he looked outside of himself, he was able to have belief. When I look outside of this congregations, the world is beautiful... In order to deal with our demons. Our habits of destruction, we have to just look outside ourselves for that help. Then maybe you will leave this shul and move to Israel. And stop your habits of Davening drunk. If Paroh would've just seen outside his desire for power and hatred of Jews... Why are you still worried about Paroh not having free choice. Maybe we can work together and stop the habit of killing babies... May all the hostages and their families be comforted, and have strength and Bracha... You say you need to drink. Don’t look to Merv for help. His jokes will have you wanting to drink more. Look to Sadie. The only decent one in this shul. She will help our people. She'll stop you from talking... If the congregation just didn't talk... Rivka's Rundown The elderly winter walk is not smart. To quote the rabbi, "Almost as dumb as our shul's president." Should've done that program in the summer, when our seniors can go outside without thirty layers. For the walk last year, there was a heater truck moving really slowly in front of the walk for elders. The truck turned all the snow on the sidewalk into slush. It ripped up the city park's grass. And everybody came out of it feeling sicker, due to wet feet turned frostbitten. Why the seniors had to do the walk for elder's health in minus five-degree weather still has me questioning. The rabbi likened the worry for Paroh to the whole Gaza thing. How these people are trying to kill us, and everybody is worried about their living situation. Got to worry about the terrorists and how they were "raised to hate Jews. It's not their fault." I’m worried for our brethren. How about they don't try to kill us. I think that's an idea. Some congregants came to the rabbi and said, "Well, Hamas and the Gazans. Gd hardened their heart. It's not their fault." The rabbi told them, "You're fools." I believe that was his simple response. What the rabbi was teaching is that evil is built up until all of their choices are evil. Or to be more exact, and all of their choices are "we hate Jews. Like the president of our shul." I still think he's looking for a raise. Fact is that they’re everywhere. I’ve never been so scared of a ceasefire. It seems that ceasefire means terrorists our on the streets. It always seems like there's more danger when we put down our weapons. The fact we survived college students is very empowering. The rabbi wrote a letter regarding the ceasefire. Very uninspiring. He said nothing. He just wrote, “It should be for Bracha.” Absolutely nothing. And nobody was mad, or comforted. He says "Bracha" and everybody loves him. You can be deathly ill and he'll say, "It should be for Bracha." It sounds good. Almost as good as saying "Mazel Tov." Maybe he should've wrote, "Mazel Tov." That would've been a good response to the release of terrorists. A celebratory reaction. The move to Israel didn't happen. Once they realized the jobs don't pay as much, they decided it wasn't a Jewish value or Mitzvah to go to Israel. "Hearts hardened to moving to Israel." Brilliant. The rabbi likened the congregants to Paroh. Love it. Why the rabbi hasn't moved to Israel is still a question. He brings up moving all the time, and he hates the shul. The rabbi just wanted to get rid of the congregants. They could’ve moved to Costa Rica. Anywhere outside of America. That was a huge dis. That line about the sisterhood doing more than the Kiddish Club. That stings. There is a line you don't cross, and that is telling somebody that the sisterhood does more than them. The Gabai gave Yonatan the Haftorah. A dirty trick. Kept him in shul for the Haftorah. Sneaky and mean. The guy missed the Kiddish Club. He went through all of Musaf without a buzz. I've never seen somebody shake so much during the Musaf Amidah. I think Yonatan was going through withdrawal during the prayer. Reading the Haftorah is not easy. It's like a test for these guys. It brings back harsh memories of being in middle school and having to read in front of the class. The why leaving shul to get drunk might not be the right thing class was not understood. There were many questions asked to the rabbi, in the form of "I don't understand." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemot1/19/2025
Announcements
If anybody would like to volunteer at the dairy farm in our shul’s parking lot, that is appreciated. The rabbi said his position is better spent teaching Gemara classes than milking cows. Though, he wants to make it clear that he appreciates cattle more than the membership. Everybody in the shul has a cold. So, no complaining if somebody got you sick, even if they’re not wearing a mask. To quote the rabbi: "The mask does not keep the congregants from talking." This Purim, we ask that people wear masks that cover the eyes as well as the mouth. We would like to not see your full face. We will not be providing protein shakes at Kiddish. The rabbi says they are not Jewish and thus forbidden from shul events. To quote the rabbi: “Jews don’t shake drinks. Jews stir.” Contemporary Halacha Classes: Farming to Keep in Shape: An Idea that Won’t Get People to Volunteer. Wearing a Mask that Keeps People Safe from Hearing You Talk. How to Drink Alcohol with Protein in It, As a Jew: Something Called Schnapps. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 2:12) Upon seeing an Egyptian hitting a Jew, Moshe “turned this way and that way and saw there was no man. So he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand”... Before killing somebody, you definitely want to check. Unlike Tim, who goes right up to the video camera like he's performing for surveillance... Discreet. Very discreet Tim. You weren't at Minyin, we all know. The camera caught you... No man. Means no action. Like our shul. Nobody helps with Kiddish. Nobody helps with Minyin. Nobody keeps the little ones from crawling around my feet in the middle of services. He noticed that nobody was willing to take a stand. What’s a man?... Very good. None of the people sitting in the back left of the shul... (Shemot 2:13-14) Two Jews are fighting, and Moshe said to the “wicked one, ‘Why would you hit your fellow?’” He thus replies, “Who appointed you the chief and judge over us? Are you going to kill us, like you killed the Egyptian?”... I'm the rabbi. That's why I give sermons, Bernie. When there is no man amongst your people, it leads to moral decay and false blame. It leads to board meetings. When weak people spread the word about something, you must run. Which is why nobody showed up to the Secret Hannukah Harry Event... It's too similar to Secret Santa. No identity. Weak. Our board makes weak committees of people that want to kill Jews... If they were men, they would’ve went with Moshe and they would’ve been freed. They would’ve stood up to the real enemy. Egypt, or the board. Not to Moshe, who was protecting them... They were slaves. They were weak. Weak people justify. They throw blame. Moshe knew he had to run from that. As I should run from this shul... Our shul has no men... Why I haven’t run is the question. No men. No action here. And then you blame when something is right. Unmanly men... What is a manly man?! Not Simcha. Well. There is a reason for the farm. Work. Men work. They give of themselves. You don’t volunteer... Exactly. If you want a parking spot, you have to volunteer to move a cow. And so much hatred, due to this lack of manhood in our community. So much non-mask hatred. Sinat Mask. If your mask stopped you from talking, I would be in total support of it. I would agree that not wearing you mask causes hatred... Stop complaining about the no-masks making you sick. You come to shul, expect to get sick. Every time I see the members of our shul, I get sick... You get your protein from choolante... Choolante has protein. A lot of fat, a lot of carbohydrates and protein. The way Nachum doesn’t share the meat, he’s getting protein out of the choolante. That's a manly thing to do... Manly men don't share choolante. When it comes to choolante, justice is different... Protein shakes are Asur. Religious Jews get their protein from fat... If it was schnapps with protein there might be a reason for Jews to drink it. In Midian, Moshe has a child. (Shemot 2:22) Moshe calls his child Gershom, saying, “I was a stranger in a foreign land.” He was a wanderer, but he found a wife and he had a family. So, he called his kid "Foreign land." At home we call our kid "We want to leave this community." Moshe was a man because he realized he was in a foreign land. He was honest. And I can't stand the men in the back left of the shul... Once you realize you're a foreigner, a stranger in a strange land, you can approach it. You can deal with it. You can be strong. Your morality is not based on the influence of congregants. You understand that you're dealing with a board of heretics. You understand that nobody is going to help you, especially membership. You can finally accept that these people consider themselves Jews, even if they think that you need more protein than choolante provides... The Jews did not see that they were different. They didn't have that identity of empowerment. They saw themselves as abused. Once they started crying, Gd remembers their difference. He remembers His covenant, His Brit with Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov (Shemot 2:23-24)... It's at that moment that H' rescues them. The people of strength, who accepted their difference. Men of action who stood up for morality. Unlike the board, who doesn't even volunteer... I would appreciate it if the board stops quoting me in the announcements and blaming me for everything nasty they say. Be men, be strong, and take the blame. The board should quote the rabbi as saying, "He wants the board to run from the shul." Rivka's Rundown Good call on not a man. The congregants do nothing. There wasn’t even a man to help build the shul’s Sukkah this year. They had to hire a handyman. “Man” is in the name of the guy we had to hire. There's no such thing as a handycongregant. Nobody would hire that. “Not Simcha.” The rabbi is so true and concise with his brilliance. The rabbi truly lives by his word. He said everybody should be a farmer. Now he has shul shifts for the parking lot dairy farm. It’s amazing how our congregants are more interested in the dairy farm than visiting the sick. A shul food kitchen for the poor would never happen. They would rather milk a cow than feed dairy to the needy. Inviting those people for Pesach is too much already. The rabbi was able to get around angry congregants who said it was rude for him to say that he likes cattle more than them, by saying, "I love animals." You can get away with anything if it's for the animals. The rabbi even got rid of some congregants saying, "There's more of a chance that a bull will pay dues than the Finkelmans." They still make such a big deal about the mask. They don’t stay home. They go out and wear the mask in protest of healthy people. It was messed up when Purim a few years back everybody showed up to shul in masks that only covered the mouth. My kids are still in shock from the experience. They sometimes have flashbacks to having to see the rest of the members' faces. The rabbi ordained protein shakes are forbidden. Other things the rabbi forbade were going to a gym with people who are in shape. He said, "If they're in shape, they're not eating the right protein." He also forbade meetings. He called those "a waste of time, Bitul Zman, especially when the president of the board is there." Milking cows and then not washing your hands before praying was on the Asur list as well. Masks must be worn over the mouth that stop members from talking was ordained. And the rabbi did say that there are times where you can't kill people and bury them in the sand, even if they're on the board. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYechi1/12/2025
Announcements
We are going to celebrate Michael’s first birthday. His parents gave us nothing for his Bris, other than bagels and butter. For his first birthday, as it is not a Jewish event and thus a Heimishtein Simcha, they will serve pizza, ice cream, salmon, lox, bagels. A full bar of schnapps will also be had. The fast is over Friday evening with Shabbat. If you made it till Shabbat, you don’t have to worry anymore about not eating. If you are at the Pitzkowitz home for Shabbis dinner, you may still be fasting till Shabbat morning, due to their Kugel recipe. It's disgusting. We want to welcome everybody back from their Chanukah vacation they took this week, as it is not Chanukah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Simcha with No Lox. Celebrating At the Wrong Time and How to Show Up to Everything Late, Like Our President. What a Kugel Should Not Look Like with Mrs. Pitzkowitz. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Why do people get stuff? Well let me tell you, Bernie. It’s because they work for it. Unlike Sam, who got an Aliyah, who has never worked on a farm before... Our congregants should be farmers before we give them anything. Or at least they should show up to Minyin... (Bereishit 48:19) Upon putting his right hand on Ephraim, Yaakov tells Yosef that Ephraim will be greater. Yosef wanted the right hand on Menashe, the older son. Yaakov tells Yosef, “I know my son. I know.” Kind of like I have to tell the board all the time... Why do we need a Kosher kitchen? Because a Kosher kitchen has to be Kosher. I have to constantly say, “I know. I have Smicha. I have rabbinic ordination. I know.” "I know you think you're important because you're on a board. I know. I know you know nothing. I know you like wasting my time. I know. I know you haven't given me a raise in three years. I know." Yaakov knows Menashe is the firstborn. But he also knows Ephraim is destined for greatness. Haamek Davar explains that this is not because of the blessing. The blessing is there to aide. It’s because Ephraim learned with him. If any of you learned a little Torah every once in a while. If any of you ever got a decent job, maybe... (Rashi 48:1) The reason Yaakov is able to speak to Yosef immediately is because Ephraim was with him learning... When you're in the right place, things move fast. When you're not at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Unlike with the board, where everything moves so... Well, have you finished the December meeting yet?! It was Ephraim's accomplishments in Torah study that deserved him the blessing and brought about his greatness. The blessing is there to help carry out the mission. It’s the work. That is what brings the Bracha. The effort brings Bracha. It gives it a place to sit, not like in the back left, where everybody is talking during Davening. You can't even hear the Chazin back there. You can't hear any Brachas there... Because Shimon won't stop talking... We all want, but do we do? Do you farm?! (Bereishit 48:22) Yosef gets Shechem. Why does Yaakov give him more? Rashi says because he is working for Yaakov’s burial. So, Yaakov gives him land he will be buried in... Yosef is buried in Shechem. Why don’t you get anything? Because you don’t help. It’s the work. that brings the Bracha. I know this congregation doesn't work. I know. I haven't seen dues paid in twelve months. I know nobody here ever wants to help with the Chevra Kadisha. I know. Nobody here helps. Nobody learns. If you learned, you would understand you waste time... Learning isn't wasting time. Learning reminds you, you waste time... No. Not when you're learning... We would have blessing. Bracha. I know this shul is messed up. I know. You want. But you don't give. You don't work. It is all meaningless. No Brachas. It’s just Jewish events mean nothing to you... You should’ve had the lox at the Bris. Instead, you put down 5k on Michael’s first birthday party... No. He won’t remember it. The congregation will remember that the Bris had butter... We would’ve been blessed with a normal Bris. I know the families in this shul are messed up. I know. Asarah BTevet was a one day fast. Calm down. It's over. You're having flashbacks to a ten hour fast... I understand you ate at the Pitzkowitzs. I know it's hard. But it is over... Her Kugel is very hard. It would've been a blessing to have a normal Kugel that was soft. I know the congregants are crazy. I know. I won’t eat at the Pintzkowitz home. Not with sweet lokshen spinach Kugel. Who makes sweet spinach??? And then the pine nut olive oil and honey chumus??? If Mrs. Pintzkowitz learned to make a normal Kugel, there would be blessing... Again. It's about giving. It's about proper action. You don’t even do Chanukah vacation at the right time... It was the week after Chanukah. It should be January vacation. That’s what the Jewish school should call it. You have a preChanukah party and a postChanukah vacation. That is how you celebrate Chanukah... You do everything at the wrong time. Late. You do vacation late. You can’t even show up to Minyin on time. If you spent your holiday time correctly, we would’ve been blessed with a beautiful Chanukah. The kids would’ve got great Chanukah gifts. Instead, they got December gifts... Chanukah gifts are Chanukah gelt... Yes. Money made out of chocolate. That is how money should be made. Money made out of chocolate is a Bracha. I know everything this congregation does makes no sense. I know. I know this shul is messed up. I know. But if you work on cooking. If you work on practicing the holidays in the right time. If you work on birthdays for people who know it’s their birthday. People other than three-year-olds. If you work at getting rid of the board, we can be great. We can be deserving of a blessing, and extra land for a bigger parking lot... It would be a blessing if you could pay dues with chocolate. I agree. If you work on yourselves, we might be deserving of a blessing, to carry out the mission of practicing MItzvot correctly, and getting rid of Bernie... We should be blessed with the Bracha of getting rid of the board. If you learned Torah, you would deserve Bracha. If you just worked at stuff, you would deserve it. I know this will not happen. I know... We are only accepting farmers as congregants from now on. Rivka's Rundown I can’t tell you what farming has to do with an Aliyah to the Torah. Maybe if the farmer was learning twelve hours of Torah a day, the sermon would have made sense. The rabbi started a dairy farm in the shul's parking lot. I think the rabbi truly always wanted a petting zoo. He accidentally bought cows. He didn't realize they were too big for little kids to pet. The sermon was Paytonic. The rabbi wrote a piyut as he gave his sermon. The theme of "I know this congregation is messed up. I know," was beautiful. The Bracha was Yaakovesque. The rabbi even delivered it in acrostic form, which spelled out, "The congregants are is very annoying. Not a Bracha." The rabbi is right. We have to celebrate our Judaism more. It’s for this reason, I didn’t show up to Michael’s first birthday and I didn’t buy him a gift. I saved four hours and around a hundred eighty dollars. I wrote the rabbi how much I appreciated his sermon. And I paid part of my dues. Nobody worries about the destruction of Jerusalem on these fasts. They think about when they can eat again. And then they worry about when the next fast will be. The destruction of the Temple is truly mourned by our membership. They're all praying for a future redemption where they will be able to eat. The Pintzkowitzs are really into that sweet and sour thing. They have gone too far. They’ve been making spicy cheesecake. It’s disgusting. They put hot peppers in the cheesecake. They say it adds flavor. It adds messed up flavor. And then they serve the cheesecake as a main. They decided that since peppers are in it, it's not dessert. Our community uses the holidays for parties and vacations. They say, "It's a week before the holiday, we should celebrate it now." That’s why so many people don’t like Yom Kippur. There aren’t enough pre-Yom Kippur vacations and parties planned. The board is planning a pre-Yom Kippur Sinoff this year. To quote the president, "The idea is to get people to come to shul. They don't come for Yom Kippur anymore. They will come to shul to sin." It's all messed up. There is no blessing, because nobody works at anything. They said the bird in the shul was a Bracha. It was in the shul because nobody closed the window. Nobody lifted a hand to close the window. It would’ve been a blessing to have a shut window during the winter, with no animals flying around while I’m saying the Amidah. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYigash1/5/2025
Announcements
Everybody is still talking about the preChanukah party and how fun it is was, because it didn’t happen on Chanukah. We are not planning a Rosh Hashana party in February. We're going to call it the High Holidays at the Wrong Time program. Members are still complaining about the length of Rosh Chodesh Davening on Chanukah. Seeing all the signs on the shul’s board for the extra prayers has left many of them scarred. Many have not been back to shul since, due to what they are calling Post Traumatic Davening Disorder or sleeping in late for the past month. We want to thank Rick for creating the Tallis shirt. A shirt that Tallises don’t fall off. The rabbi is sick of watching people adjust their Tallises constantly during Aliyahs. Shul lockers have been handed to important community members. If you are not important, you have to leave your Tallis in the open for possible burglary. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Daven for Five Minutes Without Your Tallis Coming Off. How to Stay Out of Shape: Choosing to Have Your Locker at Shul and Not at the Gym. How To Chase Everybody Out of Shul By Singing Hallel. How to Adjust a Tallis Every Three Seconds Because You Have No Shoulders Like the Finkelman Family. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 45:15) “And after this, his brothers spoke with him.” After this whole back and forth and taking Binyamin and sending them back to Yaakov. After the reveal of who he is, they spoke. Yosef and his brothers finally spoke. As we have seen in our congregation, family can go years without speaking. Thus making for what we know as a shul. A very uncomfortable place to pray with people you know, to Gd, in disdain... It was time for the brothers to move ahead. Unlike the Beit Midrash committee who hasn’t purchased a book yet... You speak and do nothing. The brothers spoke and there was Shalom... I understand it’s hard to have peace with Sarah Bayla on a committee. She wants to color coordinate and interior the Sefarim... Sarah Bayla. You can have a brown Shtender with a maroon Siddur. Even if they clash. Yosef accepted that he was sent to Mitzrayim for a reason. It was Gd’s plan. Accepting Gd's plan is the prerequisite for peace. For making up with others. He tells them to hurry and to bring the family and to tell their dad, Yaakov, (Bereishit 45:9) “So says your son, Yosef, ‘Gd placed me the master for all of Egypt. Come down to me. Don’t wait.” After accepting it was Gd's plan, and making peace, it was time to hurry. It was time to see dad. No waiting. You don't wait when there is peace. You wait and you end up with Sarah Bayla on the committee. And nothing gets done... If you can accept it’s Gd’s plan you can have peace. Once you have peace, you can have a conversation. Which is why I can’t listen to Merv. The jokes are too much... I’ve heard them a hundred times. You repeat them to everybody... Your jokes are not part of Gd's plan. Possibly Gd's plan for retribution... Waiting is not part of Gd's plan. Which is why I ask myself every morning why I showed up to Minyin on time... All I do is wait. I can’t see how what this shul does is Gd’s plan. That's why there's no peace. Why Gd sent me here, I can’t figure out. Maybe I sinned. You do everything wrong. This is why we have fights all the time, still. There is no way this is Gd’s plan... I believe that everything is in the hands of H’. But you found a way to mess it up. I have no idea how a board can get in the way of Gd's plan. They got in the way of giving me a raise. And now, with this whole color coordination book scheme, which Eichler's never planned... So. The Chanukah party was more fun because it was done at the wrong time... No. Judaism is not a program. A Chanukah party before Chanukah is not Gd's plan... Why are you calling it a Rosh Hashana party? Why not call it Tu BShvat the Rosh Hashan LElanot party and celebrate it at the right time?... Tu BShvat is in February... It is a Rosh Hashana. Trees sin too. Rosh Hashana for trees in Shvat is Gd's plan. If the shul had it at the right time... Davening is part of Gd's plan. And now we have congregants scared to come to shul, because they are scared to Daven... I understand it's long. It’s got the most signs of the year. Nobody complains about Selichot because there are no signs. Should we take down the signs... Selichot are longer. We just don’t have Dave leading Hallel and singing like a fool for Selichot. They're done before Shacharit. It's too early to sing. It's that post Amidah excitement that ruins people's days... You don‘t sing Hallel during the week. It’s Davening. It’s not a concert. It’s not a program. People have to get out of shul Dave. When you're singing, people have to get out of shul... PTDD is not a disorder. It's an excuse Simmy had to skip shul again. Dave is the reason there is no peace. A really long Davening is not H's plan. Everything looks wrong in this shul, especially Chaim's new haircut... Davening together should make for peace. I can't even look at the congregation. I get annoyed looking at the membership. Your Tallis just fell again... Why are you wearing a silk shirt? Of course, the Tallis will fall. It’s just annoying to have to watch you guys with Tallises falling constantly... Well then get to the gym and get wider shoulders, Finkelman. This congregation has the narrowest shoulders. Which is why you’re not good Jews... Rick. Thank you. But even your Tallis shirt won’t work out. The Velcro is a great idea. But they have no room on their shoulders for Velcro... Shul lockers? Who's giving out shul lockers now? We can't get a Minyin, but they need lockers... This isn’t a gym... I understand most of you sweat sitting. As you are extremely out of shape... Who is stealing Tallises? I don't understand the need for the lockers Maybe we can find Shalom one day in this shul. If we are ever able to figure out how having congregants like this is Gd’s plan. I just hope I retire before that... When you know H's plan you have Shalom... Rashi teaches (45:15) “After this” means that it was after they saw he cried and his heart was content with them. Maybe we need to cry. We need to cry as a congregation. Unify in tears and make it all make sense. Why we have to listen to Merv's jokes. Why we have to listen to Dave's Davening and see Finkelman's Tallis fall. Why Sarah Bayla can't picked florescent pink as the right color for the Siddurs... Until there are tears, the full Teshuva, the extent of ability to move on is not there yet. When you see Gd's plan and realize how much you messed up, you cry. You get it out. And then there can be peace. So let us cry. Just look at Chaim's hair. It got me crying... Maybe H’ needs real emotion from us. A way of admitting we understand our wrong and we want to live right... Let's not wait. All this shul does is wait for a Chazin and Dave to finish Davening... Rivka's Rundown Everybody in the shul started crying. The sermon was so long. How families and siblings don't talk to each other, but pray right next to each other. It's a Jewish trait and one we are proud of. Most peoples of the world can't live with such discomfort. Our congregation thrives on it. The rabbi ended the sermon with Queen's “We are the Champions.” Not a dry eye. Everybody was hugging. Some congregants apologized for being congregants. They all walked up to the Bima to hug the rabbi. It was so emotional, the board decided that next year they’ll celebrate Chanukah on Chanukah. They even conceded to Gd's plan to have Rosh Hashana on Rosh Hashana. Truth is the committees move nowhere because Sarah Bayla has to interior design everything. Siddurs don’t need to be color coordinated with the Shtenders. Nor do women's hats need to match the section they're sitting in. We had to wait for the rabbi to kick off his sermon a couple of weeks ago, as Sarah Bayla did not appreciate the burgundy hat in the purple hat section. She made Mrs. Shafron, a ninety-two-year-old woman get up and move to the other side, so the rabbi could start his Drasha. She then said, "Now the section doesn't clash." They do do everything wrong. Like the rabbi said, even the raise they gave him was wrong. All they love about the preChanukah party was that it has nothing to do with Chanukah. Rosh Hashana LElianot is something we should celebrate more. I don't know if trees sin. They do get old though. Maybe the trees remind the rabbi of Bernie. Trees do deserve a New Year party. My friend celebrated her daughter's first birthday. The tree has more of a chance of remembering the celebration. What kind of idiot sings Hallel during the week??? It's scary seeing all those signs on the plaque. You come to shul one day and it's all up there. Al Hanisim, Hallel, vTen Tal uMatar, Mashiv HaRuach, YaEleh vYavo. Maybe take that one down. YaAleh vAYavo. You have the guy whacking the table. That’s scary enough. You don’t need to scare people with the signs too. And then to scare them with singing. You can't have peace when you're that scared. All of Davening, all they do is adjust their Tallises. I have never seen a shirt that holds a Tallis without it falling. Rick’s shirt is cute. But it looks weird with Velcro on the shoulders. You get the feeling like these guys are soldiers with Tallises. They have that Velcro line on their shoulders, showing they served their country by staying out of the army. The community spent much time after this trying to come up with a shirt that you can wear without the Tallis slipping. They started making shirts out of corduroy. The slats in the corduroy keeps the Tallis in a spot. The problem is the spot isn’t always comfortable. They tried selling it to Shark Tank. None of the sharks wanted in. They said that the "Jews at your shul don’t even pay dues. How are you going to get them to buy this?!" There was no answer. Mr. Wonderful did say he would be a customer, as he likes the idea of joining a congregation where other people complain too. Shul lockers has caused a whole ruckus. Now everybody wants a locker for Sheytels, hats, shoes, keys. Not one person wants the locker for gym shorts. You would think one congregant would want to stay in shape. Maurice has now joined the walking group in the back of the shul. He calls it pacing. I figure, he would sweat less if he had on shorts. Tags:
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Announcements
We want to thank the Simkin Mishpuchi for sponsoring Sufganiot by following the Jewish tradition and going to Dunkin Donuts. We will not be hosting a shul Chanukah party due to not wanting to ruin people’s holidays by having to see members of our shul. The community candle lighting was a huge success. We want to express the community sentiment that we’re happy the Chabad rabbi is now safe. Being held up by a harness fifty feet in the air, we’re happy he made it down safely. We’ll be hosting a fundraiser to higher a construction crew to light the Chanukiah next year. Davening will be at 8:30am in the morning for the holidays. The rabbi asks that people show up for Minyin and remain Jewish, even though they have off of work. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Chanukah with the Wrong Sufganiot: Picking Out Sufganiot Like Morah Betsy with No Jelly. How to Ruin Chanukah by Seeing Congregants. Saving Lives and The Height That Makes a Chanukiah Asur. How to Sleep in and Not Show up for Minyin, Like Our Congregation. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s about blessing. And that comes from connecting to Gd and not seeing congregants. And with that, you don’t suffer. Hence, Yosef called his kids Menashe and Efraim... He wasn't making fun of them. Those were their names. Their excellent names. I call you stupid face, because you're annoying. (Bereishit 41:51-52). “Menashe for H’ has made me forget all of my suffering.” And Efraim because “Gd has made fruitful in the land of my suffering”... It’s "Amali" and "Aniyi." Different words, but the same meaning according to Artscroll. Suffering... Names have meaning. Here, at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I called one of my kids Dror, because the shul wouldn’t get me an extra cupboard in my office... I could’ve used another few drawers. My second kid, I called Max. Because the congregation is the bane of my life. Two different types of blessings. They're both strength Gd gives us to deal with issues. Congregants. I have not found a way to deal with congregants. There are two ways to approach issues. One is to forget and one is to tackle them head on. Our board chooses to forget. Which is why we end up with messed up Sufganiot and a leak. This is what makes Efraim greater... I don’t know how. It’s the tackling. He doesn't avoid the issues. No matter how many congregants he has to deal with, he concurs the pain and makes it a success. I will be hosting classes in my home, to make everything a success. Approaching hardship head on allows for the opportunity to change good to bad. Kind of like how I took Chanukah in this community made it a point to not see Bernie and made it beautiful. Fruitful in a way... Artscroll teaches Yosef did not run away from his father. He wanted to do Kibud Av vEim. His brothers barred him from that. Kind of like the shul that bars me from doing Mitzvot. Menashe represents Gd’s help with Yosef dealing with the pain by having something else to thing about... Congregants just add to the pain. That pain of being estranged was something he had not control over. That kind of pain, you can't make it fruitful. You can push aside and move on that way... What did I do with the Morah Betsy Sufganiot. It was just pain. Very painful... No. Artscroll is not Rashi. Bernie. How do we deal with our suffering here? How do we find the blessing? Do we mask it and let people die alone or do we face it straight on and turn it into something beautiful?! I know our congregants don't visit the sick. You haven’t visited Amelia in the Home yet. She’s alone. You should visit and make her cancer beautiful for a day... I am not suggesting Bernie visit. That would just be adding to the suffering. The shul Chanukah parties are something to forget. Gd granted me that strength so that I can enjoy the holiday and serve this congregation. I do that by forgetting this congregation... No. We are not having a Chanukah party this year. We don't want anybody to suffer on Chanukah... We had it before Chanukah. I will explain Fran... Well the other shul that is celebrating Chanukah on Chanukah is not Frum. They're not religioios. It's called Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot. You want to be quick to hurry to do Mitzvot. So, our board thought to celebrate the holiday quickly, before the holiday. To do it at the wrong time... If you would've got Boston cream Sufganiot, like Israelis, I would've enjoyed the holiday. I am asking for better donuts. Why was there Danish at the Chanukah party last year?... Donuts are not Sufganiot. They’re donuts. There’s a reason they’re called Sufganiot. Because it’s Jewish. Dunkin Donuts makes Sufganiot... Tradition is Boston cream Sufganiot. That is what they ate in the Temple. The second Beit HaMikdash... They didn't eat Sufganiot in the first Beit HaMikdash. In the first Beit HaMikdash they had Danish... It's a matter of where we see the blessing. We can concur every dealing with the congregation with both modes of overcoming issues. Sometimes the blessing is in lighting at home... Seeing you on Chanukah ruins my Chanukah... The community lighting ceremony was off. There is nothing about Chanukah that says a rabbi has to risk his life to light a Menroah... This is why I'm not a Chabad rabbi. I’m too scared of heights... Yes, Fayge. This is why it's called Crown Heights. Very good... We just hope the Chabad rabbi stays safe being held up by a crane... I don't believe it's a Mitzvah to risk your life to light a Chanukiah. They didn't have Menorah crane lighting in the Beit Hamikdash. Just stairs... The rabbi had to rappel down. Both ways of dealing are gifts from Gd. When you have the power and strength to deal, you do. When you have support, you can deal. When there is no support, H' sometimes grants you that strength to forget. Which is what I do when I get home every Shabbis. I forget shul. The same way Yosef had to put aside in his head that he is estranged... Being in this shul, I feel I am estranged from my people... The Minyin has no support. That means you don't show up... No. We're not doing the late Minyin anymore... Because you guys sleep through that too. And we can't do a late Mincha. That's too late to Daven already... Before you have an opinion or an issue with it, first show up for Minyin. You took off all week for Xmas and you took off from shul. Yosef would've shown for Minyin... I don't want to deal. I want to forget. There is no way of making having to see Bernie and Merv at Minyin every day beautiful... If we had anybody in this shul that was smart enough, I would make him second to me. I would give him the power, like Paroh gave Yosef. The Gabai is wise. He shall be second to me. Not the Chazin. The president shall be of no importance. The president only causes suffering. Paroh tells Yosef, (Bereishit 41:44) “And without you, no man shall lift his hand or his foot in all of Egypt.” Paroh had Yosef deal with everything. The same I shall do with the Gabai. People must have permission from my second in command... Our Gabai has dealt with enough. It's time we listen to his wisdom and allow for us to find that Bracha of salvation. No more giving yourself an Aliyah. You will have to wait for the Gabai to be called to the Torah. You will only be able to open the ark with the Gabai’s approval. You can only get a shul locker if the Gabai says you're showing up for preMinyin aerobics. This is how we shall deal with famine in our shul... That calling yourself for your own Aliyah you all were doing was crazy. We had eighteen people go up for Cohen. All called themselves... There are only two Cohens in the shul, Bernie... Shmuel. You are an amazing Gabai. No arguing. The great must bear the burden... With this we can name our kids normal names, like Brian. But only with the Gabais OK... Next year, we will have a Chanukah party, and I will choose a wise person to run it and get Boston Cream Sufganiot... No purchasing of Sufganiot with Shmuel. My second in command. Traditional apple fritters are up to him. Sometimes, it's just too painful. And we have to forget. When I get home at night, I forget the congregants... From now on, any issues go to the Gabai. My second in command. He will make it all good... Rivka's Rundown I do not believe that people getting up for their own Aliyah without being called constitutes famine. The rabbi threw all the shul's issues onto the Gabai. That was his way of dealing with the suffering of the congregants. That is what I call throwing under the bus. I think the rabbi is trying to work less. The rabbi threw himself into Yosef’s issue, blaming us for his suffering. I guess that’s the point of Bereishit. To personalize how annoying your community is. Congregants are issues. When the Torah speaks of hardship and suffering, H' is speaking of our congregants. How Max means “bane of life” I don’t know. The rabbi stopped hosting classes in his house, and started having them back at shul, when the board said they were going to cut his salary. We all suffer at a price. Sufganiot are donuts. Both are deep fried. Both have jelly. However, Dunkin Donuts does not claim to be Sufganiot. The way most of the people in our community make Sufganiot, Dunkin Donuts doesn’t want to ruin their reputation. Dunkin Donuts is fine being mistaken for Krispy Kreme though. The board took the Zrizim Makdimim LMitzvot, hurrying to do Mitzvot, comment by the rabbi to be a compliment. They started doing everything early. The secretary suggested they start doing Shabbat on Thursday. To quote: "It wouldn't be a problem. It would still be Jewish. No other religion celebrates the Sabbath on Thursdays." To which the treasurer said, "We don't know. We were surprised when summertime Ramadan turned was celebrated in the winter." I think we have to work on our community. When a community doesn’t want to see each other, there’s an issue. When you pay dues and don't want to see those people at a ceremony or celebration, you start to think if this is the right religion. I believe the rabbi said, "Anything with the words 'community' and 'ceremony' is going to be painful. No joy." It was scary to see the Chabad rabbi up so high. One light went out. The whole community insisted the rabbi not go back up to light it. They called in a construction crew to relight it. These Chabad rabbis risk their lives to publicize the miracle. They didn’t have construction crews lighting the Menorah, or harness belts, in the Beit Hamikdash. There’s a point where it’s too much. Maybe have a community slab of wood nuts made by the nursery school Chanukah Menorah. I think the rabbi was competing with the Topeka Xmas tree. He saw the Christians get eight stories, a scaffolding and clean windows. Jews should too. People take off of work and they take off Judaism. Vacation is vacation. The congregants were not happy about the late Shacharit Minyin for the week of Xmas break. To quote Baruch: "Shoot. Now we have to go." I don't think Jewish day schools should have Xmas break. They tried having Chanukah at a different time of year, but it falls out around Xmas. I asked the Gabai and said we can't change Chanukah. Tags:
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Announcements
The preChanukah Party will happen this Monday. We will celebrate preChanukah with Latkes and Dreidel playing. Due to the popular request of Katie, we will celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah. The shul is going to be selling Chanukah candles that work. They will not break on you. We ask everybody pay their dues before Chanukah so we can turn the water back on and celebrate Chanukah before Chanukah. The shul Chanukah vacation this year will be the week after Chanukah. This year the vacation will be in the Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca area. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Turn Every Jewish Ritual into a Program By Not Doing it At it Right. How to make Not Oily Latkes Nobody Likes, Because There Was No Miracle of Oil Before Chanukah. Where to Vacation: A Session on Places to Go in Miami, Fort Lauderdale and Boca. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... They hate Yosef. When they hate you. they hold that... They hate him because they’re not happy with themselves. Kind of like the board who hates any good idea you share with them. Like doing a Chanukah party on Chanukah... Kind of like most of our congregants who can't stand Simcha, who likes to share his dreams all the time. It can be annoying, Simcha. It's annoying hearing every detail, and then hearing, "And then I woke up." We know you woke up... (Bereishit 37:24) The brothers take Yosef and they throw him in a pit, “and the pit is empty, there is no water.” Kind of like the Bergstein Bar Mitzvah where there was no schnapps. You asked for it, you flipped the bottle over. Tapped it. Nothing in there. And they still expected you to give the kid a gift... This is why people hate the Bergsteins... I'm not suggesting to throw Simcha in a pit. Rashi, answering the question “why does it need to say no water when it is already empty,” tells us that there were snakes and scorpions. There was no water. No life. When you lose the love of family, there is no life. Then there is no connection and hate, there is no life. Just snakes and scorpions, like the board... What’s saves Yosef’s life? Connection. Their hate would’ve killed him. But they realized he has the same blood. I believe O+. (Bereishit 37:27) Yehudah says “let us sell him to the Yishmaelim, and let not our hand be on him, for he is our brother, our flesh...” You don’t kill your own flesh. You sell them as slaves... This is why the mothers at this shul slave in the kitchen. And the fathers talk in shul... There’s a lot of hate here... Bernie deserves it. And now the shul is left with messed up emptiness. Emptiness and some people trying to make it bad for everybody. Snakes. Stealing the meaning from everything we do. Ruining the joy and love of Yiddishkeit... The preChanukah party sounds like a Chanukah party. But it's not a Chanukah party... Because it's not on Chanukah. If it was on Chanukah, you would call it a Chanukah party... I understand you want to prepare for the holiday. You do that by buying the stuff you need for Latkes, and a Dreidel... No. You’re celebrating it the day before Chanukah... What makes it more exciting?... Thank you. So. Before Chanukah, it’s a program. People don’t like tradition anymore. They don’t like Mitzvot. They like programs... People rightfully hate the Chanukah candles... They’re not Chanukah candles if they don’t break. Those are Shabbis candles. You're using Shabbis candles on Chanukah. The shul fundraiser is to sell Shabbat candles for Chanukah... It's like your programs. Done at the wrong time. Might as well do Sukkot Matzah. People love the Sukkot Matzah that tastes just like bread. Thursday night choolante night... I don't care if they do it in Monsey. This is Topeka. People don't even know what choolante is here. More people would come to the program if it was Thursday night overcooked stew night... Everything you do shows no love for our tradition. A hatred for our people. The shul water is off because of hatred. People hate paying dues. And this is why the sink has no water. It's empty... You can’t even do a Chanukah vacation right... After Chanukah is not a Chanukah vacation. Its winter vacation... You like it more because a Chanukah vacation on Chanukah is tradition. After Chanukah it’s more of a program. More fun... Isn't the vacation always to South Florida?... Just making sure. Then I am going to Orlando this year... Our activities committee is calling it a program. It's not a program. People are going on vacation. If it's not organized by the shul and it's not a tradition, it's not a program... We should all find the love back in our lives, so we can end the hate and get the water turned back on in the shul. So that we can vacation without having to see each other... I hate your preChanukah Chanukah... It's not Chanukah. If you put a "pre" before something, it's not that. "Pre" means not the right time. No. PreChanukah is not Chanukah. You can’t light for Chanukah preChanukah. I know many have started eating choolante on Thursday night. It’s still not Shabbat... I hate doing Jewish tradition done as a program. I will hold that hate. I love this shul. So I will not destroy it. But I will do whatever I can to get rid of the programs. I will bring snakes and scorpions if I must... Serpents sounds better. Serpents are scarier. Serpents and scorpions. Even worse. I will add more people to the board... We pray that the kids learn to like the Bergstein boy, and not blame him for his parents not having schnapps... Maybe come to shul, not like your dad, and people will like you. They'll see you as Jewish flesh. Connected... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi truly connected with the Bergstein boy. He spat on his parents and sat in a different section of shul. I think the rabbi just said people who don't come to shul are not Jewish flesh. And I think the Bergstein boy does not like his family. We can all agree that going to a Bar Mitzvah and getting nothing to drink, then having to give a gift, causes hatred. Beautiful teachings. The board is full of snakes. Poetic. The rabbi was making a strong point saying that you sell your brothers as slaves. The board decided to have the CHanukah Party not on Chanukah, because of Katie. Whatever Katie wants, Gd apparently does. Katie wants Purim in the fall, the shul decided to host a drinking party in October. Our shul has decided to now only run programs. People show up for programs. On Sukkot people didn’t show for Musaf. They came for Hookah in The Sukkah. They then ran a Musaf program, where a Chazin leads in the Musaf prayer. Finally, people came for Musaf. That was a fundraiser. To sell Shabbis candles for a lot more than they’re worth. It went great with the preChanukah program. People spend more when they get stuff they're using for the wrong reasons. The rabbi insisted it would've been a Chanukah miracle if they were Chanukah candles that didn't break. The shul got the water turned off. We need money. I think that is the true lesson of the Parsha. Money saves lives. It saved Yosef's life when the Yishmaelim bought him, and it allows for us to have Kiddish. Many people were mad with the rabbi for suggestion that going to South Florida in the winter is a not a Jewish tradition. The vacation to Miami-Fort Lauderdale-Boca was to Fort Lauderdale and Miami, and Boca last year too. It seems to be the same vacation every year. It's where the Jews go to get away from Jews. They love programs. Even their vacations are now programs. It just happens to be when everybody goes to Florida. And they all go. So the shul is taking credit for the program. The rabbi found a way to take advantage of this new program thing the board is pushing. The rabbi heads down to South Florida for a day, takes a picture with a couple members, says it a shul program, and he calls it work. No vacation days used on his vacation. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYishlach12/15/2024
Announcements
Our guest speaker this week is Phil. He’s a member of this congregation and he will be giving the sermon about how his kids don’t call unless he's sick, to find out if he’s dying. The planning meeting for how we’re going to attack the mice in the shul is this Sunday. Bella suggested weapons. We are going to stay away from military grade. Last time military weapons were used against mice, we ended up having to do a full demolition of the shul. We are offering congregants shielding gear due to fear of little things. The Simcha for the Feldblums this Shabbis gives us all hope that their son will not be like them. He should have a beautiful family with children that respect and appreciate shul. Kiddish club is planning a party, where they will be drinking more. Less than at Kiddish club, as the party will not be before Musaf and the Kiddish club members don't need to drink as much when they're not Davening. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Your Children to Call Even if They Know They're in the Will Already. How to Attack a Mouse on Shabbat Without Scaring a Whole Shul. How to Show Love Not Like The Feldblums. Kiddish Club and How They Found a Way to Drink More On Work Night. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Like Yaakov, I planned for a fight against the board... No. I didn’t give them any gifts. I have no money for gifts because they haven’t given me a raise.... Yes. That’s the reason for the law of not eating the hop sinew. Yaakov injured his hip fighting with the angel (Bereishit 32:32-33)... Yaakov had sciatica. The whole back left of the men’s section has had sciatica. You want to eat it??? I injured any chances of making a decent living fighting with the board... Great speech Phil. You can sit... (Bereishit 33:1-3) Yaakov sees Esav with four hundred men. He splits up the camp. Goes in front of them and bows to his brother seven times... I have to give the background because you all talk during the Layning... Seven was the number in those days. Bowed seven times... (33:4) “And Esav ran to greet him and he hugged him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him and they wept....” After seeing this, Esav runs to his brother. I don't think I even saw the Feldblum kids hug. I think they just shook hands and said, "Good to see you too." Love is always there, somewhere, when you're not dealing with a board. You have to take the first steps. You have to bow the seven times... Without bowing. It’s Asur to prostrate to people. A bunch of Apikorsim. You bow to H'. So Yaakov bowed to his brother... His brother wasn't an idol. And I will never bow to the board... Rashi teaches that Esav’s compassion was aroused by the prostrations. You see. Prostrations. Now bows. His compassion was found through the prostrations. Through Yaakov's show of deference. Sometimes you need to give in a bit. Let the other know that you are there for love, and they will return that. Unless if it's Phil's kids... Or the board. Esav had all that love inside of him. He showed it. And you can’t even greet your rabbi with a decent "Shabbat Shalom." A handshake. You shake hands like a Mensch... Your handshaking is off. It makes nobody want to hug you or kiss you. When they shake your hand, they do not want to cry. No emotion. Now Merv. You shake Merv and Mr. Greenberg's hands, you feel emotion. You want to cry. They squeeze your hand. Like a vice. They clench your hand with the jaws of their fingers. You feel that... You are so not giving. So unkind. Everything with you is a fight. I get sciatica just listening to the congregants. The handshakes in this shul give me sciatica... I'm talking about love. About finding love through peace. You do that through being kind and compassionate. It might come back to you... You don’t even welcome guests... Beautiful speech Phil. The way you were able to give a sermon with no Torah... You plan for kindness. If that doesn't work, you have to be ready to fight. We have been kind enough to the mice of the shul for many years. Food all over the floor. The children of our congregation have not cleaned up after themselves... We have to plan how to attack the mice. Gifts. We tried giving them cheese and peanut butter, they ate it. They took it right out of the mousetraps. I feel like the traps are food trays for feeding mice. Splitting up the camp, we had different traps... We tried. It's all out war. You already won the environment discussion. We have recycling in the shul. We are going to kill the mice. Straight out war. We've got to come in strong... We did it all. We fought. We sprayed everywhere. We even used poison. Nothing has worked yet. We need to come out stronger. Hit them from all sides... You're more scared of mice than Gd. And now we have a secretary who adopted a mouse as a pet... I am saying we also have to show love to people, so that some people will want to join our shul... If people come to our shul and we hug and kiss them, and cry on them. They'll feel loved and they'll want to be congregants... Dr. and Dr. Feldblum, you prepared your son correctly. He’s learning in Yeshiva. He is kind. He’s a good athlete. He is nothing like his parents. You did a good job. But you need more love... Your Simcha has no affect. No love. Not even a Yasherkoych when cousin Ralph came down from the Aliyah. Nobody even tried to whip candies at the Chatan. You tossed them. No emotion involved in your family. No love. Esav has more love than your family. If one of your family members wanted to kill another, they would do it... R’ Hirsch teaches that Esav wept genuinely, as crying can only come from one that is moved. Even Esav had the ability for compassion. The human ability we all have when he is moved. Your grandma isn’t even crying. Not moved by her grandson getting married. The Chatan's grandma is just sitting there like her whole face is full of Botox... Well. Then that is the reason... The only one crying is the guy that came back drunk from the Kiddish club... What is the Kiddish Club Party? Is it just you drinking more?... It's a weeknight. You have to go to work the next morning. It's drinking more on a weeknight. Talking about the Kiddish club because they're not here. They're still out drinking. Pregaming Musaf... Phil. You already talked. Now you're interrupting. You already let everybody know you get no love from your family, even though they're not the Feldblums. We get it. A true party is when there is the joining of sides. The joining of enemies in love and embrace. Reuniting... The Kiddish club has not reunited with Mickey in years. Let him back into the Kiddish club. I don’t want to see him in the shul for the sermons... A decent handshake for crying out loud. That's a party... Will the Chatan come up here... To love is to want to kill... Embrace your wife, not like your family embraced you. Kiss her. Hug her. Cry on her. If you don't cry on your spouse, is it really a relationship... Rivka's Rundown "To love is to want to kill" is a very strong statement. I believe the rabbi was trying to say that he doesn't love the board, so they shouldn't worry. I agree with the rabbi that we need more emotion in the shul. More sisterhood fighting. The rabbi truly went off on the lack of passion behind handshakes and why there is much hatred in the shul because of it. His message: If people shook hands harder, families would be together. To quote, "Families that shake together, stay together." The rabbi just makes it all so meaningful. After the sermon everybody shook hands. It was an emotional moment for all. Women were standing up, shaking each other's hands and hugging. The rabbi asked a congregant to speak. He didn’t want to try anymore. And then, once he heard Phil speaking, he got up, kicked Phil off and still gave his sermon. Truth is everybody loved Phil’s sermon. The no Torah added to the message truly made everybody feel more connected. The rabbi just kicked Phil off, and took over the sermon. He heard enough about people not calling. The rabbi was worried the congregants would start to think that the rabbi would want to get phone calls from them. The rabbi planned for the war. I had mice in my house. I used his plan and killed four mice. People heard there was a mouse and they didn't show up to shul for a month. They figured that would be their excuse this year, as there hasn't been much snow yet. It all started last week when Bella yelled, "Mouse!!!!" Everybody ran and there was no Minyin. The Filermans aren't coming back. It's amazing how you can't lose the reputation of having a mouse. Every house gets mice during the fall, but when people hear about it, you're branded. Our shul has been branded and the rabbi is happy. I was for the friendliness and the new hello thing, until Merv kissed me, cried on me, and the chuched his phlegm all over me. I think we need younger men, who won't hock a loogie on the guests, welcoming people. The Feldblums took such Nachis knowing their son is not like them and won’t eat in their home. I don't know if they love each other. I don't even think there was one real smile the whole Simcha. After the Chupah, the dad shook his son's hand. The rabbi noted, "At least it was a solid handshake. It's a start." The family might be mad that another member, this new wife, is joining the family, and she might also have a claim on the inheritance. I even think that when the dad shook his son's hand, he said, "Prenup." That was his Mazel Tov. The rabbi kept on saying "The Chatan." He forgot his name. Not as bad as the time he forgot the name of the deceased at their funeral and he was calling her Mrs. Wichita. The family at the funeral was fine, until one of the members said she lost the pageant. The Kiddish club parties have less drinking going on than at the Kiddish club. Usually the parties aren't happening during Davening. As the rabbi noted, "There's no real reason to drink if you're not praying to Gd." Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYeitzei12/8/2024
Announcements
Our guest speaker, Max Filmore, will talk about investing money and saving. The last speaker spoke about giving Tzedakah. He was shunned. We shall never again bring a speaker who suggests people should give more to charity. Unpopular. We ask your forgiveness. Shoshana Chana is starting a Bikur Cholim Committee. Nobody is showing up. If anybody has a heart, please show up. We also ask the Markowitz family visit their parents. Shoshana Chana is not their daughter. The Shul will be honoring Simcha next month at the annual dinner for his accomplishment of being popular and knowing people. We ask people stop speaking Lashon Hara about Sue and Mark. They’re annoying. Very annoying. Show up to shul late all the time. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose Congregants by Asking them to do Mitzvot. How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care For Your Parents. How to Choose An Honoree Who Has Accomplished Nothing with Our Board. Lashon Hara and How it Enhances Our Lives at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Yaakov left Israel, because his brother was going to kill him. I was going to leave this shul, because I wanted to kill you... Rachel had no children. An example to our congregation. One of our Imahot, and she never bothered other people in shul with a baby carriage sitting in the hallway. She never had her kids running around the shul, screaming, “I’m going to kill you if you don’t give me a Sunkist fruit gem..." The kids here are crazy... Rachel wants children. And not to steal all the cookies at Kiddish... Maybe she would like little league baseball. True mothers like the little league experience... Mrs. Shwarztein. You have never brought anything other than oranges on your snack day. This is why the kids don't like you. You can't play baseball after peeling an orange. The kids end up with sticky gloves... (Bereishit 30:1-2) “She said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children, and if not I am dead.’” No woman values her husband that much. We know this. We can see this with the Felstein family, where Dr. Felstein’s wife always tells him, “You should die.” A regular Kiddish conversation when she doesn’t get herring. “If I don’t get herring, you are dead.” A little different than Rachel, who wanted a child... Some women want herring. That is fine, Bernie. To each their own. A lot of death in this week’s Parsha. Not enough in our shul. There hasn't been a funeral in a month, and I'm going broke... Mrs. Felstein, do what you must. Rashi quotes the Midrash and says that she asked Yaakov to pray for her. Yaakov got mad. That's usually my immediate response when people ask me to do a Mishebeyrach. "Why don't you do it?!" Yaakov got mad at Rachel and retorts, “Am I instead of Gd that has withheld from you fruit of the womb?!”... Not Fruit of the Loom. They didn't have the cotton gin back then. It was much more uncomfortable. And you complain about boxer briefs... I know they fall on the leg. Very not comfortable. Somebody should talk to Fruit of the Loom. But Rachel is dealing with fruit of the womb. And I am sure Yaakov would've written a complaint to Fruit of the Loom... Why was he mad? Because he didn’t do anything wrong here. Her father wronged her and stole from her. She was blindsided by everybody... But she is asking him to pray. Sometimes, when you’re alone, and nobody is there to grieve with you, you feel dead. You have no kids for all that time that Yaakov is hanging out with Leah... I understand the husbands in this shul are off playing softball all the time. The only shul that plays softball in the winter. That's how out of shape you guys are. You can't play anything other than softball... The reason nobody asks the congregants to pray. Your prayers are off. I believe Ethel got sicker because of your Mishebeyrachs... Yaakov getting mad doesn’t help Rachel feel alive. She needed him to pray. To understand her and be there with her in her grief. To feel so badly that he would entreat H’. Sometimes you need somebody to be there with you. To understand your grief. If people would just listen to my sermons... So she gives Bilha. That’s a great way to have kids. It's like one of your pyramid schemes, Shlomo... Are you going to join us when we need you?! To not think of us. But to care enough to pray for us, and put aside... When I asked the shul to pray for a new addition to the building... We figure that the shul won’t get any money from the congregants anyways. Why talk about Tzedakah... We want to show people are coming to shul programming, so we are going to teach people how not to tithe, unless if they are getting a huge tax break... Are you there with the people who are sick. Or do you get mad that they didn’t leave you enough money in the will... Shoshi Chana is there. She understands when people need a prayer. She doesn't show up and get mad at them. She doesn't start yelling at them, "I am not Gd. Feel better yourself." She doesn't yell, "You're the fool who raised Mr. Markowitz Esq..." It’s Bikur Cholim. It’s a Mitzvah. Nobody is going to show. Shoshi Chana is considered not popular because she cares and wants to give... I understand that Shoshana Chana is a bit too much of a name. But she is doing something beautiful... Visiting the sick is beautiful. Beauty and kindness are not liked by our membership, unless if there's an inheritance... I get you're a lawyer, Mr. Markowitz and you don't need the money. But just because you have a job does not mean you throw your parents in a nursing home and don't visit... I understand the aides are close with them and have built up a relationship cleaning them up after they go to the bathroom... The problem is you are a bad child. You're a curse to your family... You blamed Shoshi Chana for not being there for your mom. For your mom not being bathed correctly the other day, and the fact that nobody went to visit her on Wednesday or Thursday. Why are you blaming Shoshana for being kind... Why are you blaming her for not cleaning your parents. It's not her job. She's your mom. You visit... This is why your mom feels dead. You give her nothing, other than a paper to sign for you to take money from her account every once in a while... It's death. It's death when people don't care about you. When you have a son like Mark Markowitz... And Lashon Hara. All our membership does is kill people’s reputation. If you care about somebody, you don't gossip about them. You tell them how much you can't stand them. And I love this congregation... What did she do to you Simcha? She didn’t agree with you? Makes her bad?... Why are you siding with Simcha? He’s obnoxious. That's why we’re honoring him at the shul dinner. We’ve learned that our congregants give money for jerks... It makes them more popular. What has Simcha done to get honored? He talks and leaves shul to drink. He drinks a lot of alcohol in shul, around kids. That's why we're honoring him... He's the only member who finds it necessary to pray under the influence of schnapps. That's why you like him... Do you care enough. Do you know enough to actually pray for Ethel? Or do you just want to give money to the annoying people who rub their money in your face? Rashi teaches the Bereishit Rabbah that Yaakov is mad because he’s saying he’s not Rachel’s father. He wouldn’t hold back anything from her. He takes the issue as his. Rightfully, he dealt with so much lying, as Rachel did, from her father... That's not what Rachel needed. Rachel needed congregants that are not Simcha or Mark Markowitz. She needed Shoshi Chana... And you blame her for that. Are you going to keep bringing your issues into the shul. Or will you let us grow. Will you finally pay Shoshi Chana to be a daughter, so that she can get some of the inheritance... When will Mrs. Felstein find joy?! And you should tithe. Some people need you to listen to them, and then they need Tzedakah too... Sorry for bringing up the "T" word... Rivka's Rundown The true issue of the shul seemed to have been boxer briefs. Only our rabbi can bring that into a sermon, finding the spirituality in undergarments. It would appear the rabbi was insinuating that Mrs. Felstein should kill her husband. People at Kiddish would appreciate the extra herring. That guy never shares. By the time I get to Kiddish, crackers and herring are gone. The rabbi was saying that the grief is his congregation. Like Rachel wanted children, the rabbi doesn't want congregants. Giving Tzedakah and tithing was not met with popular acceptance. Some said that we should get rid of a rabbi who feels Tzedakah is a good idea. Mentioning Shoshana Chana had a good idea with visiting the sick and being kind to people almost got him fired. The board met to find out if there is an out clause for a rabbi who speaks of such stupidity. It turns out, nobody in our shul has a heart. The most they did when they heard Thelma was in the emergency room by herself was say, "That's a shame." They felt by saying that, they're good Jews. Shoshana Chana truly lost friends when she thought it a good idea to visit people in nursing homes. Nobody wants to talk to her now. They say she’s only doing it because she can’t find a job. By the way, Shoshi is successful and works full-time. Markowitz runs a firm. I believe he vacations full time. The Markowitz family stopped coming to shul. They were offended the rabbi suggested it's on them to visit their mom and grandma every once in a while. To quote Mark, "I have a job." The Markowitz family is there for their clients. They were very mad at the rabbi for saying they're not there. They made it clear at Kiddish, "We have been there for our clients whenever they need us. When they're sick or in a nursing home, we're there for our clients. If anybody needs good representation, here is my card." It turns out that jobs exempt people from Mitzvot. Business seems to also not require one to wear a Yarmulke. They speak Lashon Hara like it’s a Mitzvah. That's the one Mitzvah they can do at work. The Lashon Hara class drew a lot more members to our congregation. They figured, "If this is a congregation that knows how to speak Lashon Hara, I want to be here." It seems like being a jerk is praised in our community. You can’t do anything kind. If you're a jerk, they honor you. If you ask me, Simcha is a loser. He can't even hit a softball. He shows up to those games too drunk to hit the thing. Everybody appreciated the How to Get Shoshi Chana to Care for Your Parents Class. The questions in the class had everybody focusing on how they don't have to visit, and how to get Shoshi Chana to care for their parents. They found it to be more financially helpful than Max Filmore's speech. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Toldot12/1/2024
Announcements
We want to apologize for not enough eggs salad and tuna salad at Kiddish. We understand they’re an important staple in our shul and for the Jewish community at large. We know that nobody came to shul the week after the last egg salad two servings for the whole community fiasco. No good Jew has a meal at shul without egg salad. And that includes Shalishudis. It is under investigation. We don't know who the fool is that thought deviled eggs was a good idea. We apologize for that faux-pa. We are kicking them off the Kiddish crew. Again. We are deeply sorry for the lack of egg salad. We don't have anybody who can Layn the Parsha this week. If you know how to read the Torah portion, please let us know. We are going to make a shul family tree. We want to honor the shul with it, so please leave out anybody from the Pintzkowitz Mishpuchi. Also leave out anyone related to any man that Davens in the back left of the shul. The rabbi made it clear that he wants to forget them. Michelle and Mike purchased an apartment in Israel. We want to wish them a Mazel Tov on their view. We hope to not see them in shul anymore. Contemporary Halacha classes are also classes about Halacha. Halacha hasn't changed. The laws have remained the same, even if you drive to shul on Shabbis. You are still sinning. Contemporary Halacha Classes: The Importance of Egg Salad in Shul and Hiding the Taste of Simi’s Choolent Which Nobody Likes. Laws of Israel and How a View Can Be So Beautiful and An Apartment So Ugly. Why You Don’t Have a Family Tree And Why Your Family Doesn't Visit You. What is Contemporary Halacha and Why You Haven't Shown Up To Contemporary Halacha Classes Yet. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... And they quarreled over wells. A lot of well quarreling... Well. They quarreled. How did it start? It didn’t start because Rebecca pulled Sarah Freida’s hair. We will ask the youth director to do something about that... She has done nothing since taking over the job... Well stop the fighting at least. Aren't groups supposed to be going on now? Why you’re in for the sermon is an anomaly. You’re the youth director... Rebecca is not an anti-Semite, even though Sarah Freida sounds more religious. Sarah Freida a more religious name. The double name makes her more religious. The more names... How did it start? (Bereishit 26:13-14) Yitzchak moves back to the Gerar Philistines area and he became great. “until he was very great.” Not like our Gabai who has just put on a lot of weight. “And there was to him flocks and herds, and a lot of business, and the Philistines became jealous.” Jealousy. Jealous of someone else's success. Where all problems start... Jealousy is forbidden, Bernie. Even if you don't like the rabbi. (Bereishit 26:15) So, they stopped up the wells dug by Avraham's servants. Kind of like the time they took away my parking spot, and then put cones there saying, “It’s dangerous to park here.” This is what jealousy does. It destroys. It ruins even stuff that's good for you. In our shul, it leads to bigger hats in the women’s section... Are you trying to protect your kids from the snow with that thing? I think it’s forbidden to wear that thing on Shabbis. It's a tent. The Philistines stopped up Avraham’s wells. They even violated Avimelech’s covenant (Rashi). Due to this jealousy, they lost a sense of their values. Kind of like when we left Gaza and they decided to destroy the green houses. Are you idiots?! It is just like when I left the shul for a Shabbis and the Gabai gave the sermon. Just like the Chazin when he sings. You all ruin everything. You destroy the enjoyment of shul... You wanted it, and now you don’t have it, because you destroyed it. Real smart. They couldn’t take the wells going back to Yitzchak. The rightful heir to the wells When there is jealousy you violate tradition. You violate values. You violate agreements. And then you have a board that can't give a rabbi a raise. Halacha doesn’t change with jealousy or wealth... But we will take your donations... It’s Halacha. Why does it have to change because we have Bernie in the shul?! I feel like the laws change when it comes to Shaindel’s new hats store... Shaindel’s Heimish Hats will not sell in Topeka. The hats wouldn't sell in New York. Heimish does not go with style. "Oy! What a Gevalt Fedora. It's Mamish Heimish." Nobody is paying for that, unless if it's a side dish. "Oy! What a Gevalt tuna salad. It's Mamish Heimish." I'm paying ninety dollars for that deluxe Mamish tuna. Just call it Shaindel's huge hats... You can't sell them in shul. We had an agreement that people would not block other people's views of me with their hats... Ancestry is important. Offspring? We can see in our congregation that it’s not always a blessing. Have you seen junior congregation?! And that is what quarreling and jealousy looks like... I told our youth director to call every one of them up to the Torah when they do the fake Layning at junior congregation. If not, there will be fights... Well, they learn from their parents. Jealousy over Aliyahs. And now we have to buy a new Torah. 45K in the hole, because jealousy caused Torah rippage... Max. You attacked the Gabai and knocked over the Bar Mitzvah boy's cousin, who was doing Galilah... It is this jealousy that causes things to get ruined. Like Kiddish this week, where there's no egg salad. Without egg salad you don’t have Kiddish. You can call it "a depressing post service non-Heimish conversation with Bernie and Ethel." Not Kiddish... Egg salad is the condiment and main of choice at Kiddish... Your choolent is disgusting without egg salad... Deviled eggs?! No. Deviled eggs are not egg salad. They're the devil's eggs because they keep people from coming to shul... And now Michelle and Mike are talking about their view in Israel. Trying to make people jealous... Always a view. In Israel, you’re always showing off your view. Because the inside of the house is disgusting. "Look at my view. From my house, you can look out and see something really nice." The Philistines would've blocked the view... When you don't have appreciation, you do stupid stuff, like stopping up wells and overflowing the toilets... It was clogged already, Bernie. Like Rav Dessler teaches, you can't have jealousy and takers, and then appreciation. They can't coexist. And this is how you end up with no egg salad. Like the Philistines. Jealousy affects our heritage. It destroys people. And then you end up with the president of our board. It ends up being a Kiddish with no egg salad. And Rebecca hitting people for Oreos. Pulling out hair... And that is Halacha. Rivka's Rundown Exactly. A Kiddish with no egg salad. Says it all. Not much more to say. The rabbi made it clear that the Philistines are not Palestinians. Though Abbas said they are also descendants of Arafat. Very true. The more names you have makes you more religious. That includes parents' names with a Ben or Bat before them. If your name is Rebecca, you better have a mother with at least four names to get a good Frum Shidduch out of high school. Rebecca Bat Freida Blima Shaindel Bracha. Nobody showed up to the Why You Haven't Shown Up to Contemporary Halcha Class Yet Halacha class. I am guessing they didn't know why they didn't show up to that class either. Little Rebecca is crazy. She hates all Jews. At least it looks like that at junior congregation. The rabbi is correct. The youth should not be in for the sermon. There are enough grownups there that can’t pay attention for the forty minute sermons. The rabbi was saying the youth should be at youth groups. Makes sense. They're youth groups. Though, I have a feeling our new youth director took them into the sermon for safety. She figured Rebecca wouldn't pull hair in front of the Aron Kodesh. But she was wrong. Rebecca pulled out a chunk of Sarah Freida's head. After the rabbi said, "And that's Halacha," eight men jumped on Rebecca, to keep her from attacking anybody else, and to stop the possible idol worship ritual. Since when did big hats become something people get jealous of? I’m 100% with the rabbi. Yiddish does not match style. You can’t be posh and speak Yiddish. No French designer is out there selling Heimish clothes. You sell Heimish food. And that means egg salad. Heimish egg salad. Sheindel is also not a designer name for anybody not selling nightgowns and Tichels. Nothing was mentioned about Thanksgiving in the rabbi's sermon. I think he was extremely not happy to see all of the families visiting. Anything he was thankful for was overshadowed by the congregation. Most rabbis say, "It's great to see the children and the grandchildren." Our rabbi just gave a look of unhappiness and talked about stopping up wells. The rabbi considers congregants to be offspring. Therefore, offspring is not good. Offspring of who? Probably bad people. The Message as I Understood It: Ancestors are good. Grandparents messed up. So grandparents are bad. Grandparents are not ancestors. Ancestors are at least three generation ago, according to our rabbi. The shul family tree did not work out. It turns out that even though the Chachkin cousins married each other, the rest of the shul is not family. It also turns out people don't even know their parent's names for Yarhzeits. Calling up Aliyahs to the Torah sometimes takes fifteen minutes before somebody remembers the guy's father's name. Last week we had to help Steve. It took forty minutes before anybody could figure out the name of the guy who owned the corner store. That was Steve's dad. By the time they found out his name most of the congregants thought the sermon was over. That was a tricky move in the announcements. There was no egg salad. That was going to keep people from coming to shul, until they found out that there was no one to read the Torah and they could get out early, due to the lack of our membership's commitment to Mitzvahs. What kind of fools don’t put out egg salad at Kiddish?! One woman said, "Chumus is good too." Yes. If you’re having falafel. Which they serve anytime we have something going on that has anything to do with Israel. They had falafel on Israeli pizza night. I agree with the rabbi and the board that deviled eggs are not enjoyable. Paprika has to be mixed in for eggs to taste good. With all that paprika on top, it's too dusty. I feel bad for Maxine. Maxine made deviled eggs because Cheryl was saying, "No more egg salad." She thought she was doing the next best thing. Now she's going to have to do her cooking at home, and that costs more money. Purchasing a view is not a good idea on the money front. You get there and you start to think you should've bought your neighbor's house. The good one. “Look outside my house. Now that is nice. My neighbors. Now, that's a nice house.” Tags:
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Announcements
The shul Turkey Bowl will be next Shabbis. We ask you celebrate Thanksgiving with nonviolence, even though there’ll be food. It’s been violent in years past, due to only offering two turkeys. This year there’ll be four turkeys so that nobody runs over Fran or Ethel. We ask everybody be nice to the losers in our shul. They’re lonely. They all sit together. The eighteen of them crowd around their table. Sitting there talking with each other and lonely. We welcome the Bar Mitzvah kid’s family. Though you are guests and we're happy to have you, we will not feed you or your animals. It’s getting too expensive. Ask your brother-in-law to put out some money for once. The guy hasn’t sponsored a Kiddish. We want to apologize for any Shidduch ideas given to you by Chaya Tova. We know they are bad. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Attacking a Turkey Violently with Mendel Baruch. How to Be a Loser like our Members. Bad Shidduch Ideas with Chaya Tova. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... She lived one life... I know it says Chayei... Maybe it should've said "Chay Sarah." But it didn't. And you would've asked if she is still living... Eliezer is sent to find a wife for Yitzchak. Avraham doesn’t trust any Shadchan. Avraham would’ve never sent Chaya Tova out there. She’s a Yenta and she has the worst ides for Shidduchs. Which is why Noach is still single... (Bereishit 24:14) In his prayer to Gd to help him find a wife real quickly for Yitzchak, Eliezer says, “And the girl that I tell, ‘Please give me your pitcher and I will drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink and I will also give your camels water,' she is proven for your servant Yitzchak. And by her, I will know that you did kindness (Chesed) with my master.” He based the proper wife on Midot. Positive attributes in actions. He could've said, "If she says, 'No. You get the water,' I will know that she is a daughter of Howard Felsenberg... Eliezer didn’t want to work hard. That’s why it’s a great act of Chesed. He wanted it done quickly. First girl that says I’ll help. Right when I got to Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I knew nobody would help with a Minyin. I realized that right away. It was a Chesed from H' that I knew to never expect anything from our congregants... It is a Chesed to find somebody a wife that is good for them. Not somebody Chaya Tova suggests... I know this, because the Shidduchs that Chaya Tova does are not Chesed. Worst ideas... Good and decent people Chaya Tova. Not people who are desperate and not good looking... It was kindness. Something the Shadchans in our community don’t do. Simcha and Noach have never said, “Thank you Faigel for setting us up with the girl nobody likes.” Rashi teaches that “she will be proven (shown)” means that she is “one who does acts of kindness, and she is worthy to enter into the house of Avraham.” People who don’t do kindness are not welcome. Which is why I always say the board members and the president are not welcome in our shul... I know they claim that they run it... What makes somebody fit to be part of Avraham’s family? Giving. Kindness. And Kindness to animals. To be fit for our shul, you have to want to eat as much as you can at Kiddish, and to ensure that others will not get Kugel. You take and make sure you have. Then you don’t offer others. Girls are not like this nowadays... Nowadays, you have to draw the water and cook for yourself. Not fit for Avraham’s family... You offer food. Even to Bar Mitzvah kids’ families. Have you seen how bad the catering is?! They invite them for the weekend, to a Simcha, and don't feed them. They ask you to the host their family and then you have to feed their family... Bad catering would not have been in Avraham’s family. They served tongue. Eliezer made sure they had good food... They’re guests in our shul. You let them get to the Kiddish first... Animal food is crazy expensive. That's why we don't serve it at Kiddish. We would have dogs elbowing each other to get to the treats. Kindness of H', kindness of Eliezer, kindness of Rivka. That is what makes for good family and guests that we don't have to take care of... They're your guests Baruch... Then drop off food baskets before the event... The Tukey Bowl is not a physical activity. Our congregants would not participate in anything that might be deemed healthy. It’s a big bowl a turkey cooked in for Shabbat Kiddish. If you eat free food, you’re worthy to enter into our community. Rivka was a giver. She would've let other people take turkey first. She would've served them... She wasn't cheap. She couldn’t give Coke. They didn’t have Coca-Cola three thousand years ago. Rivka would've shared the turkey... It’s hard to tell who the losers are. But they’re part of the community. They are still nice. They are losers and nice... That one is smug. A smug loser. You don’t have to be nice to her. Mocking everybody with her loserness... I understand they have more friends than you, Shlomo. You're not a loser. You just have no personality... Pets are not allowed at Kiddish anymore... I don’’t think Eliezer was praying for a girl that would bring her cat to Kiddish. It’s about being a giver. That’s what Avraham’s family represented. Thinking about others. Not like the board... Work on better Shidduch ideas. When setting up somebody you care about, think “who would not fit into our congregation.” That is a good a person that a family would want... (Bereishit 24:22) Of course he gave her a gold nose ring. What girl would want to marry a guy without money and nose rings?!... Nobody in our congregation gives anything. Not even their dues... Rivka's Rundown The girls in our community are not happy with the guy options either. The worst Shidduch ideas. Never trust Chaya Tova. One time she set up Noach. Killed her reputation with the girls. Many congregants said that Rivka only gave water because it was free. At least she shared it. The people in our shul like to take stuff. They never give. I’ve never been offered even water. I fainted once and somebody else took the water. Only time they gave money was at the raffle. They were hoping to take the prize. The rabbi went off on women not helping around the house... He seems to be very against the feminist movement It's a Chutzpah. They invite their family for the Shabbis of the Bar Mitzvah, to my house. It's a bit crazy when they’re hosting the Bar Mitzvah and half of their cousins are staying at my house. And I have to feed them. The Fleishmann family truly expects me to be righteous. They figure that as long as there are righteous people in the community, they don't have to do anything. The Turkey Bowl brings people to shul, to eat. Like every Shabbis. Free food. The one thing I don't understand is that the turkey bowl is a plain pot. The losers have more friends than me. The Dungeons and Dragons players are the cool people. The losers are hanging out with people, partying. Having conversation. The losers are the cool guys. Nasty losers who rag on everybody. how does that work? Maybe it's because they have the friends to back them. I feel like the non-losers need friends. They're sitting there, looking all hip, with a guy that comes for a "what's up" every five minutes. Then they're stuck standing there with a hand in the pocket and one holding a drink, staring out to nowhere, like a JC Penney ad. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: VaYera11/17/2024
Announcements
Mazel Tov to the Kornbluth family on the worst Bris. No onions were provided. Nobody enjoyed the bagels. From now on, anybody who hosts a Simcha with bagels must provide onions. The rabbi had to take the Mohel back to his place to cut up some onions. Mohels should not be cutting onions... Tomatoes are optional. Lox may be served without tomatoes. We are very proud of our shul programming. We have another speaker coming next week. We ask that people stop trying to be creative and we stick to speakers. There’s no reason for a games night if you don’t have a speaker at it. Our programming focus is speakers. Bingo lost money again. We’re the only shul who loses money at Bingo. We ask the volunteers sell the snacks, and not eat them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Not Bless Your Son by Not Providing Onions for the Lox. How to Ruin a Program with a Speech. How to Make Money off Bingo and Not Report it Like The Pintzkowitzs. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The angels come to destroy Sedom and the Sedomites want to "know them"... This is why I was very skeptical when Merv and Ethel invited us over for dinner when I first started as rabbi... We’ve all been there. Lot offers his daughters. That’s how messed up Lot's family was. Imagine the Hershblooms. They were even worse than the Hershblooms... (Bereishit 19:13) The angels tell Lot to get out of Sedom with his family. ‘For we are destroying this place, for their outcry (their screams) have become great before H’...’ What is the outcry? They were out of control. Were they loving it? Were they not? It’s hard to tell the difference between partying and crying when it’s immoral. When you have a shul that has no idea how to run a Bingo night... When you hear screaming coming from junior congregation, you have no idea what it means. Is it that they're playing paper football, or is Shayna's hair getting pulled out again... Your son is an animal, Baruch. I don't know what you do at home, but I am sure stuff is getting destroyed. His son-in-law mocks it. (Bereishit 19:14) ‘He was like a a guy making jokes in the eyes of his son-in-law.’ No. I’m not making jokes now, Bernie. His son-in-law influenced by Sedeom. He couldn’t see the evil. Kind of like the same way the congregants are influenced by the board... They have no idea what Torah is. Ethel. They think it's a corporation... There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. You don't serve lox without onions. Who eats lox without onions?... Of course you need cream cheese and lox. But it means nothing without onions. And no eggs??? It was a bagel nightmare... And what do tomatoes do? Exactly. Nothing. Onions. Always have onions... Not whole onions. You don’t put a whole onion on a bagel. Got to cut them... When you’re around poor Kiddishes and a town that doesn’t have a decent caterer, you forget. You think that is normal. You want to scream at the immorality... Now you’re bringing up cream cheese again??? Is that even a question. What? Are you going to put butter on the bagel with lox?! The board decided on speakers. They’ve decided that people like to listen to people speak... Excuse me Bernie. I’m speaking right now... You have no idea what Victor from Israel talked about. He was a speaker. He didn't talk... The whole time Victor was focused on the meet and greet and how there were bagels and lox, but no onions. It’s like you want to scream. You want to scream when you don’t get onions. When you have to listen to another speaker, you want to scream. You want to scream when you’re the only shul that can’t make profit on Bingo.... Who loses money at Bingo... Then stop eating the snacks. Sell them. I don't know if people are screaming because they won, or because they lost 12 thousand dollars. And now they can't pay their mortgage... I don't know why people in shul can't pay their dues. Are you guys going to church Bingo?... It's all immoral. We can’t let this be the shul normal. There is a huge outcry and we don’t even hear it, because the Chazin is so loud... The angels tell Lot to leave. Lot doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go too far. (Bereishit 19:18-20) He wants to go to a lesser bad Sedom city. When you’re in a bad place, you want to stay. You don’t realize it. When you're at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, you want to scream. The membership. The board. The Chazin... Pirkei Avot (1:17) 'Distance yourself from a bad neighbor. And don't become friends with an evil person.' Which is why I am not friends with my congregants. We learn to find a moral place and be there. Find your morality and keep it... I'm here to teach. It's a mission. I'm trying to help you get out... It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to see the bad. You hear the screams and you think it's only kids gouging out eyes. We know junior congregation is scary and no parent wants to be there. Kids yelling. There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. But you still go to the Bris, because you don't know any better. It becomes normal. The yelling. The madness. The anger over having lox with tomatoes and no onions just, you accept your fate... This place is out of control. We must have control to keep the morality. To keep bringing in speakers. To have a well-run Bingo night. To ensure there are onions for the lox. Keep your moral integrity and decent bagels. Baruch's son has destroyed the building again. He's yelling and out of control. And now all the little girls and boys are crying... Whether if it's for extreme pleasure or for extreme pain, either way, screaming is a concern. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was telling the shul that they had bagels with no lox and no onions in Sedom. That is where all went wrong. He equated having no onions with the need for destruction of a people. The rabbi literally yelled the whole sermon to get across his point that you can't sleep during his sermons.The board has been bad for so long, they are messed up. The rabbi was saying to destroy them. What's a scream? That's a great question. And I appreciate the rabbi dealing with it very loudly. When Bernie yells out during the rabbi's sermon, we know what that is. That's disruption. I believe the rabbi said junior congregation is a bigger curse than the board. He did say that at least they're not in shul itself. To quote, 'Keep kids out of shul. I am already dealing with Bernie.' Finally, the rabbi approached the onion issue. I just left the Kornbluth Bris. I saw there were no onions. I went home and had cereal. It was very disappointing. After all of those Brachas for the newborn child and the cutting, to have no onions and no eggs. A shanda. Everything is a speaker. You can’t have a program without a speaker. That’s the big thing. A speaker and 5k. You get a speaker, you pay a lot and it’s a shul program. It allows people to say they went to a speaker. They never have anything to say about the speaker, because they fell asleep. People will pay a lot for a good nap, if the person is famous. The rabbi started handing out tests after the speakers. He even kicked out a member who scored a 30 on the test. It was my friend Malkie. She didn’t even know the guy was talking about medical ethics. She fell asleep as soon as he started talking about comas. I think I'm going to change my profession to a speaker. I can talk about how the rabbi is right. I'm sure the rabbi will dip into his discretionary fund for me. Most of the people in our shul are talkers. Nobody likes talkers. They like speakers. Bingo has been pathetic. I think it’s the volunteering. Our membership hears that word and they run. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Lech Lecha11/10/2024
Announcements
Hoarding in our community must stop. All of your stuff ends up at the shul. The fire department stopped by and blamed the rabbi for being a hoarder, because the Horvitz family dropped off a truckload of clothes. The shul is not Goodwill. We ask you pay your dues with money you have. Bounced checks don’t count as payment. Trying is not appreciated. We understand it’s school tax season. We ask you pay dues as another tax write-off. If it's a tax write-off some of you might pay it. Bingo volunteers should not be playing Bingo. It looks rigged when the ones calling are winning. We are losing customers, due to seeing the ushers hand winnings to themselves. If you’re winning and you’re the one bringing the cards to the game, it comes off wrong. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Care About People so Your Shul Doesn’t Turn into a Goodwill, Chas vShalom. How to Get Written Off By the Shul by Not Paying Your Dues. How to Make it Look Like the Bingo Game is Rigged, with Bracha. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 13:5-8) The land couldn’t support the flocks and cattle of both Avraham and Lot. ‘And the land couldn’t support their living together, for their possessions were much and they couldn’t dwell together.’ Sounds like Jim and Bracha. Their marriage... You guys are hoarders. When you can’t live with somebody else’s wealth, you can’t live with them, and this congregation has absolutely no money. At least the congregants give nothing to Tzedakah. I think we’re only together because nobody gives anything to the shul. The community bonds by not donating anything useful to the shul. By not helping... Ever seen the sisterhood?! Helping leads to fights. And there was a fight between their herdsmen. What are you going to fight over? Who was less helpful to the congregation. Success did not allow for them to live in peace. Success separates families. Wealth pulls families apart. It definitely hasn’t stopped people from coming to shul, who don’t pay dues. It doesn’t stop them from coming to shul and not sponsoring Kiddish. Did you ever notice how annoying rich people are?!... Poor people are annoying too. We have a lot of them in our shul. So they separate. All should be good. Lot chooses the planes of the Yarden. Beautiful land. But again, great land means nothing without the right people. Lot encamped all the way down in Sedom. (13:13) ‘Now the people of Sedom were wicked and sinners before H’, exceedingly.’ And we know what happens there. Kind of like the board that ruined a great Bingo night. Could’ve been a great thing for our shul, like Beit Knessed Ashirut vSimcha. They run a great Bingo night, because Samantha is not running their board... Again, Lot ends up not doing well... Choosing based on money and living for financial success just leads to strife and bad relationships. Bad relationships with a yacht. Would we rather have wealthy or poor congregants? Good question. Let’s start with congregants. Those are annoying. I'm thinking of giving them a choice to go to East Topeka. I'll go west... You give the worst donations. Instead of giving of your wealth to charity, you dump stuff on the shul... Your old set of Monopoly is not a donation... It's missing the railroad cards and the thimble piece. Everybody wants to be the thimble... Your set of Monopoly will ruin junior congregation. And those kids don't give money either... Throw it out. Why is it that the shul is your warehouse? We understand you collect doll heads. Those scare kids. And I can't stand junior congregation too. If it’s valuable, why are you dropping it off at shul? You’ve never given anything valuable to this congregation... Your Davening is not appreciated. No value. That is not a donation... Your check bounced... Your note that the shul should cover school taxes. Why are we to pay for school taxes?... It’s not all about money. It’s about what you do with money, your relationships... I don’t like people either... I am sorry if you don’t have enough money to pay school taxes. Maybe this shul isn’t for you. Shul taxes. We're going to start charging shul taxes. We must support the shul. Not to fight over the shul having money... We don't have money. You don't pay your dues. All we have is Bingo... It’s not gambling. It’s Bingo. There aren't enough people supporting the gambling in our shul. Other shuls are drawing so many more people to Bingo because they have good callers. You're bringing up stories of your ancestors in Odessa. It's 'O-63.' Just say 'O-63.' You don't have to go, 'O, as in Odessa. Where I come from. My family immigrated...' We’ll never be successful if the volunteers are winning. You called the game and said, ‘The winner is me.’ Bracha. You took the money out of your hand, showed it to everybody. Then, put it in your pocket... They all knew about you winning. You waved the money and smiled and did a leg kick on your jump... You even started singing, 'I'm in the money... I've got a lot of cash to help me get along.' And the Bingo players were asking how you won without a card... We would be more successful if one of the card sellers went to one side and the other went the other way. Sometimes, separating does do good for a community... The problem is this community is like Sedom and Amorah. They also never donated to shul. If we just had the issues of boundaries with money... Our issues of boundaries are our congregants over-bothering the rabbi. Sometimes in life you go to your destiny. Other times in life you get away from wealthy people. And other times in life, you have to deal with congregants that offer nothing to the shul. Congregants that are so against money that they won’t pay their dues or help at Bingo... I feel like H’ is telling me that there is a whole land of amazing congregations and I should go and choose one... May we be Zoyche to more fights and congregants that are useful. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi made a great argument for focusing on wealth to keep people away. To quote Zahava, ‘If my wealth keeps people away, and I don’t have to talk to them at Kiddish, because I have money, I’m happy.’ Zahava isn’t wealthy, but she has learned to keep people away while she’s eating kugel. She has even found a way to get out of showing up to family events, like Lot, by sending big gifts. I think the rabbi just said everybody is annoying. That was his message. You want to pull a family apart, leave your kids money. Save up money and don't write a will, and your kids will hate each other. Again, separating family. It separated mine. And now, I don't get invited to half the Simchas. I save on gifts. Being poor doesn't hurt, as long as somebody wealthy separates you. The rabbi made it very clear. He only wants congregants with money. But they shouldn’t focus on money. They should give it to the shul. The shul is not Goodwill. It turns out, the shul doesn't care about people, especially those in need. If somebody is in need and can pay full membership, they might care. The fact that there was a 'Chas vShalom' added to the rabbi's class about giving to people, a strong 'Gd forbid,' expresses the importance of community and keeping people out. People still drop off their junk at shul. They say it’s not junk. But when they drop it off, we know it is. We've even had people come to pick up a 1960s Barbie they dropped off by accident. They felt bad the shul might make money off it. They drop it off and say it’s something the shul can use. Who makes that decision over a bike tire that went flat?! We need another committee for taking people’s junk. The fact that Simmie thought his Davening was him giving to the shul is the real issue. If you wonder why people can't stand Simmie, it has nothing to do with his wealth. The shul is to blame for school taxes. Why? Because they ask for dues at the same time the town is collecting school taxes. School, Shul, they sound the same. Not a shocker. They all want our money. The key is tax write-offs. People need to hear that. They feel like they save money when they hear write-off. Anything with write-off makes them happy. Ethel Berman wrote-off her brother. Now they don't talk, and she is happy. Everything should be a tax write-off. Our congregants would spend a lot more. The board decided that next year's Yizkur Appeal will have 'Tax Write-off' written on it. The rabbi is more worried about people showing up to Bingo than Shabbat morning Shacharit. He said Bingo is not gambling but a game. To quote, 'It's a game where everybody loses and the shul wins.' It turns out Simcha knows that I-23 and G-57 are weighted. Weighted Bingo balls should be forbidden, as weighted measurements. For some reason, nobody in the congregation has said anything about the weighted balls. And Bracha is fine with it. The rabbi ended his sermon by blessing everybody with wealth, and that their family should hate them. Tags:
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Noach11/4/2024
Announcements
The rabbi has called off the shul casino night fundraiser. He feels it will be too much fun, and that it is Asur. The rabbi also said it’s forbidden because the other half of the shul that doesn’t golf, spends half their week at the casino and hasn’t pay their dues. The holidays are over. We ask all parents to stop yelling in shul. Candy violence must stop. One of our very own children got taken to the emergency room the other day due to a Bat Mitzvah injury over Parshat Bereishit. It was after Simchat Torah, which is a very dangerous holiday due to candy. Parents somehow think it's safe to hurl candy around children at shul. The X-ray showed five boxes of Jelly Bells, three large Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, with a Laffy Taffy in her spleen, due to attack for wanting a Sunkist Fruit Gem. The Laffy Taffy was wedged in there, due to the child competing for a Sunkist gem. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose All of Your Money at Shul and Not a Casino. How to Abuse Your Children Like the Horwitz Mishpuchi Who are Yellers. How to Violently Attack Somebody Who Has Pez or Anything Paskesz. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drashas Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 6:11-12) ‘And the earth became corrupt before Gd, and the earth became full of robbery (Chamas).’ And you haven’t paid your dues... Of course it was before Gd. Who else would it be before?... Yes. It was before 1985... They must've had a board. Good question. I'm sure the president is siphoning funds. I definitely haven't received a raise in a while... And right after this robbery, it says, ‘And Gd saw the earth and behold it was corrupted.’ Corrupted here the same root as the word ‘destroyed.’ Shachat... I used the Hebrew there so you can understand that your rabbi knows a lot. He went to Ulpan... Chamas. Robbery. Stealing is what destroyed the world. I will not get into reserved seats during the High Holidays... It is stealing, even if you sit in that seat the rest of the year. R’ Hirsch presents the Midrash that they stole from one another in little ways that were not subject to authority. This kind of thievery is morally damaging, as thievery within the letter of the law weakens our conscience and corrupts our social makeup. Like the board. Ruining the makeup of our shul. It's that little thievery, like the congregants who steal my time. Morally damaging society with their dumb questions... It's the stuff that looks legal. Kind of like the way you guys don’t pay for your Mishebeyrachs... When you make us sit through fifty of your first cousins in blessing form, plus the Gabai of the shul, you have to pay for that. To not pay is what destroys the world. As do your cousins. The pain they put is through with your blessing them. When you pull out that list of sixty Ben Moshes, you're weakening the conscience of our congregation... People stopped showing up because of you and your Mishebeyrach list, Sam... Casinos are destroying our society. Topeka is being destroyed by the thievery of the casinos. And they cause our members to not pay dues. And this destruction has led our board to wanting to host a casino night... A fundraiser?! You're destroying our congregation. You know the roof has a leak. Might turn into a flood... Casino night? You mean gambling in the shul??? Zecharia. You’re an addict. You think slot machines work... I didn't say alcohol was better. Though, there would be more of a chance you would pay your dues... Ever made the same mistake 300 times. Here’s Zack... You haven’t paid your dues This isn’t Gamblers Anonymous. What you share with the rabbi does not fall under HIPAA. I’m here helping you. Telling the shul we shouldn’t have casino night because of you and the other 75% of the congregation that’s addicted to gambling and losing their paycheck to a panda... Chamas is thievery. Chamas owns casinos... I’ll bet the owners of these casinos aren’t paying their dues. How much are we betting on that?! And this destruction leads to corruption and anger. It leads to getting ripped off by my mechanic. It just seems like you use the holidays to get mad at your kids. Take out your addictions... I heard you yelling at your Sukkah. It’s a Sukkah. It’s supposed to be a joy. You building it with your son is messed up. I have never heard a dad berate their twelve year old child for not being a good construction worker, due to their lack of ability to slip a rod through a hole in a sheet... Your wall is bedding and you're screaming at the kid for not knowing how to build. That's not even good Chinuch... Your destruction and thievery kills the Sukkah. How hard is it? You’re making a dwelling out of linen... You steal in little ways, like pile driving the head of a six year old for a Sunkist Fruit Gem... That is stealing. And quite Frankly, Frank, your child is an animal. It was a Fruit Gem. Not even a Laffy Taffy... The candies. You’re the only parents that let your kids eat candy in five gallon bags... Like you’re hoping they get sick. Your kids at Simchat Torah were on the floor jumping for candy the whole time. A few kids were praying to a KitKat... The violence was worse than the Pitkins Park jungle gym. Stealing swings... You wouldn't survive there Heather. Those kids would've stolen your spot on the slide... A Twizzler. It was a Twizzler. It didn't have to end that way... And who throws Twizzlers?... You took it out of box. It wasn't even individually wrapped. Twizzlers are dangerous. They're like little whips. You think it's safe to throw candy around children??? Your kid pile drived his knee into her for a Fruit Gem. Candy is violent. And quite dangerous. It's Chamas... I understand the board came up with a rule that no sucking candies are allowed, due to accidental swallowage. However, Sunkist Fruit Gem attacks, and an unwitting child's not understanding that they must give up their Paskesz to Yankel, causes much more physical harm... A pile driver!!! Shul violence must stop. There is no need to stab a child with a Laffy Taffy. And what’s the result of all of this corruption, thievery and candies? (Bereishit 7:21-22) ‘All that have the spirit of life in his nostrils, from all that was on dry land, died.’ Death. Is that what you want? Death by sweets?! That’s what Laffy Taffy can do. When little kids steal Hot Tamales... And casino night kills shuls... Because you guys end up worshiping the craps table. And then the board pit bosses steals all your money... No. I did not curse there. Though, that’s what people say when they play craps. It's the small acts of sin and communal destruction that breaks down our society and kills the world, like our board. It's the bad jokes Merv tells at Kiddish... Yeah. The Torah lets us know that thievery kills a bunch in our Parsha... Because it corrupts, like football, when you don’t show up to Minyin and bet your mortgage on it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi equated not paying dues with stealing and trying to kill people. He then equated gambling with Chamas. Which makes sense. Chamas was probably running underground casinos in Gaza. And then he considered Pez dispensers to be Chamas. How that was thievery. Maybe it’s how expensive they are. Between us. I’ve choked on Pez before. That stuff turns into sugar dust before you know it, and you're inhaling it. One guy thought he was saying Chumus. I would rather have good Chumus than candy. Chumus does not destroy the world. Chumus brings the world together. The rabbi stayed away from equating Chamas with Chamas. He thought the Chumus joke was more valuable than relating the Parsha to what we’re going through in our times. So this is why the rabbi shares everything you tell him. He says it’s not HIPAA. The board thought the casino night fundraiser was a good idea. They figured that with all the addicts, this was the only way they would get their money. They figured with Zecharia, he would stay away from the Witchatanqua Casino and give the money to the shul. The shul needs the funds. If they can get the money through the back way, the board decided they should do that. The rabbi actually bet Zecharia as to whether or not casinos are bad, and if there'll be a gambling night at shul. The board voted this week. Decided that the only way to get people to come to shul was to have a casino in it. They're bringing it to court to allow for a casino. They feel they can do better than Bingo if they have slots and card tables. Bingo has been the one constant in our shul. Some feel Torah reading is important. Most of the board feels Bingo is more important. To quote Pirkei Avot 'If there is no Bingo there is no Torah.' Sukkah building in our community has been disallowed by family services. A social worker has to show up to ensure the dad does not overly berate the child for hanging a sheet wrong. The Horwitzs are screamers. And I believe they are not allowed into junior congregation without a police escort. The shul president gave a very passionate speech about candy violence, and the importance of gambling. Kids are violent. At the parks too. With the swing-sets, slides and monkey-bar fights, it is more dangerous than Frank's kids around a Laffy Taffy. If they had candy being thrown at the jungle gym the rabbi would forbid slides. He already forbade candies being thrown in bouncy houses. One kid in our shul took a hockey stick and slashed another kid so he could get a spot at the foosball table, and there was no candy on the table. Though, I think they were playing with a Jawbreaker. The rabbi is correct, these little forms of stealing people's spots destroys the world. I can tell you, I want to shoot the guy who cut me at Carvel, wehn I was going for soft serve the other day. Note: Jawbreakers sound violent. And they are, especially when one of Frank's kids throws them to get fruit gem. Due to the use our children have found for Laffy Taffy, the prison warden banned all candy of gooey substance from the commissary. Against the rabbi's ruling, the congregants brought in card tables and slot machines, and Sunkist Fruit Gems. They even bet on cornhole and the little basketball hoop competition. Foosball, they just threw Jawbreakers at each other. It was the most attended event in shul history. Everybody skipped the casino that night. Tags:
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Why did the Maror have trouble talking? It was hoarseradish. You get it? It was hoarse. A soar throat. The root is therefore called a horseradish. If you don’t know, the pony’s favorite vegetable is the horseradish. That's also true. 
The drying rack has been tinfoiled. I can now use it on Pesach.
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
(Rambam- Hilchot Matzah 7:6-7) We have to lean when eating, to feel like a king. Kings recline. Kings also spill wine and stain their shirts. This is to remember (Deverim 16:3) “Remember the day you left Mitzrayim.” I am assuming we were leaning a lot on that day, and we needed to find water to clean the clothes that got spilled on. Midrash Rabbah learns it from (Shemot 13:18) “And H’ led the people roundabout.” Which means they spilled on their shirts in the desert. Gd found a roundabout way to get us to ruin our clothes. The point of this law is that Gd wanted us to stain our clothes. And thus we lean at the Seder, because kings walked around with wine all over them.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
4/14/2025
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