Announcements
We pray for Israel, our Israeli soldiers and our American soldiers, even if members of our shul are against prayer because of Trump.

Jewish athletes are causing antisemitism by liking America. Be safe. Don’t say you support hockey. Their patriotism is very not American. We as a shul stand against hockey players who support the USA. The board’s official statement: “We’re against anybody who represents their country in the Olympics. Patriotism is not American.”

We are sorry to all who planned to fly to Israel. Iran has ruined your vacation again. In support and solidarity with our Jewish brethren getting bombed in Israel, we are planning a shul trip to Florida.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Why Trump’s the Reason You Quit Your Job & Your Wife Left. Jewish Athletes & Love of America- How Appreciation and Hockey Cause Jew Hatred. Follow-up Class- How Jews Are the Reason for Every Hockey Fight.  How to Throw Out Mishloach Manot. Trips and Iran's War Against Vacation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 33:12, 33:18) Moshe seems to plead with Gd to know Him by name. He wants to see Gd’s “glory.” He wants to know more about H’. And I can say that I know enough about the board. I would be happier not knowing any of your names... When you care, you want to know more. There's an intimacy to a relationship, not a constant nagging to give shorter speeches. A wanting for your rabbi to get a little vacation, so him and his family can enjoy themselves...

(Shemot 33:20) Moshe is not able to see Gd’s face, as H’ tells Moshe, “Man cannot see My face and live.”
I would rather not see the faces I see in shul today... I wouldn’t mind if everybody here was behind a rock... Maybe H' just doesn't want the congregants to be coming to see Him. Because that can get very annoying.

Why does Moshe want to see H’ so much?
If you love and care, you want to know... None of you want to know about dues.
When there’s love, there’s a desire to know more. Which doesn’t exist in the Feinwitz household. I believe they are separated. And I don’t believe they have seen each other’s faces in two months... Mrs. Feinwitz has not requested to see the man.

Moshe wants to see H’ so much because Moshe wants truth. Moshe vTorato Emet. “Moshe and his Torah are Truth” (Baba Batra 74a). He wants to connect with all truth. Not lies. Like Mr. Finkelberg and his new concept for a shul pool... I understand it rhymes. That doesn't it make it good for our shul. You don't come to shul to then take a dunk and head to the Shvitz... I know the JCC is open on Shabbis. Doesn't make it the right. Truth. It does let us know which of our members are Apikorsim... I can tell. It's the ones that are not overweight.
You can only know truth when you know the deep desires. When you are intimate. When you love your spouse. Not like the Feinwitz Mishpuchi. You have to see the face. See the person...
​
Do you know what is going on for the people of Israel? Moshe would. He wants H' to be with His people. Moshe doesn't say he wants a board for H's people. Nowhere does Moshe say, "I think our board president, Ruchel, is good for the people. Everybody should know her."
Do you want to know more about Israel. Do you pray for them. A desire to know. An intimacy. A connection. To connect our people to H' and not messed up Mishloach Manot with bite size Snickers that can't even hold more than an "s"... If it can't hold the whole name, it's not a Snickers. It's a Ser, an Ner, a Rer... And now I'm entangled with candy that doesn't even have a full name... 

Connect with the president of the US. Pray for him... You people have to get over Donald Trump. He’s president and we have to pray for the end of the IRGC... There are other problems. I know. We still have a board. And our board meetings last longer than IRGC regime leaders.
The question is if Israel can stop our board from ruining our shul...
Truth is you hate Israel. You don't care about the Israeli soldiers or Israelis either... If you hate what Donald Trump is doing right now... Because you don't desire to to see his face. You got mad at Jack Hughes for wanting to go to the White House. You don't even care about hockey... So, now you hate Canada too.
What do you want to connect to? I know you don't want to connect with Gd... Because you're talking in the back, all of Davening, Max.
Can we pray for Mamdani?!... OK. You want to pray for Mamdani, because he hates Israel.
You have Tefillah Derangement Syndrome... Connect. Be intimate with the president. Invite him for lunch. For Kiddish. Pray...

It’s Jewish times of refuge, BE”H. Support your country. Support your soldiers... Our soldiers are not the IRGC. Iran not funding Hamas and Hezbollah is a good thing... Yes. Even if Trump is for it. I know that's confusing... I wish ICE would come to this shul and...
I don’t care about international law. Because the UN came up with it. How about Jewish law. Do you want to know that? How about Torah?! Maybe learn a little of Gd's word. Maybe that's more important than AARP Magazine... I know you're old.
Torah is our way to connect with H'. To see truth. Moshe's Torah is truth. Intimacy and truth. Stuff the Feinwitzs don't have.

Moshe brings the Truth to the people. A real leader... Truth. Words like genocide mean genocide. Genocide doesn't mean defending yourself. Illegal means illegal. Not the Shlomo took your Makom Kavuah... Even if it's your seat. Calm down. Not making shul painful with congregants means not having to deal with our membership...
Not to offend anybody. But you take out a terrorist regime, it's not a bad thing. Even if Donald Trump is part of it. And I just offended our board. If I get fired for not supporting terrorism... Last meeting, you were trying to figure out what should happen with the IRGC. You can't even figure out what drapes to pick for the shul's office window...
Moshe fights for Israel. And with that comes truth. He wants H’ to be with the people. And I would like that too... Because you're a bunch of Saturday JCC goers...

Supporting our soldiers is important. Very important... I know I disagree with the board. I'm here praying for our people. Our soldiers. The board is intimately trying to figure out where the Danish should be placed at Kiddish. They're praying for pastry that's not stale...

The only thing I know intimately is antisemitism. I know the board... Good question. For safety, should you say that you hate America. Let's ask an anti-Semite. Our shul president...

I want to be intimate with our people. Want to be able to visit Israel when I book a flight. The IRGC killed our last vacation... The congregation owes me another vacation...
We do blame EL AL too. We pray that EL AL won't be able to blame Iran anymore for bringing up the cost of flights.
I have intimately paid a lot for flights to Israel. The IRGC is the face of that. The IRGC, EL AL and our board... Forcing me to take vacations at the worst times. High season.
We must know Gd, our people, Israel, intimately. But that's impossible without flights. Moshe should've asked Gd to see better deals on EL AL...

We pray for safety for all. We pray for no more terror. Be a leader of a truth, like Moshe... Even on social media. Fight with your friends. Let them know they are wrong. Lose your friends. That’s what it takes... You will get fired. That is true. But you will have truth. You will have connection. And you will be broke...

How does going to Florida support Israel?... If you are not in Israel, they don't have to see you. If you didn't come to shul, that would be appreciated by the congregation. I get it...

(Shemot 33:17) H’ capitulates to Moshe’s requests. “Also this thing that you have said I will do. Because you have found favor in my eyes and I have known you by name.” Connection. That is what makes for compassion. For truth... I won't cut my sermons shorter. And I won't have more office hours. Whatever the board said, I will not do... I will be going to Israel. And I will support our troops. Because I want cheaper flights to Israel. For crying to H' out loud...
Truth can only be seen when you have a heart. Unlike these Israel haters and the board. If the board played hockey, they would've lost the game against Canada... Can you at least take pride in Jewish kids who are good at a sport. If we don't have that, all we have is Hollywood... Maybe don't say that to anti-Semites. Say the Mormons run Hollywood...

(Shemot 33:19) And with all of that H’ still says “I will be merciful when I choose to be, and I will be compassionate when I choose to be.” H’ is going to still be honest. With all the love. You can’t always show compassion. And that is why I have to say that some of you congregants are the worst thing for the Jewish people... H' chose to not be compassionate when He chose Ruchel and a bunch of Jews who think terror is good for our people, because Donald Trump doesn't like it... You not going to Florida instead of Israel is compassionate. An act of kindness to our nation...
Does Rebecca ever show compassion? Nope. Just a very annoying member of our shul who doesn't stop talking about her ideas for a new Challah role sourdough recipe...

Even Moshe still can’t see H’s face. There is always something us humans will not know. Something blocks our vision. Sometimes it's a rock. Sometimes it's Faye's fedora.
Some things will never make sense. Why Bernie comes to shul. Why he has to come to shul. Why Faye sits there with those annoying hats. Why Mitzi won't move from the Kugel at Kiddish. Other people are waiting. Why we have that back left section of very annoying congregants...
We have to know what we can. We still have to fight for what’s right. To see it. For truth. For better prices on EL AL...

There’s intimacy because there is a desire. A prayer. A connection.
H' comes towards Moshe's request. Moshe can't see All. But That's not what's important. What's important is that H' blesses him with a countenance that blinds the people and keeps them away... So, they don't bother him in his office... The desire is important. The Feinwitzs have absolutely no desire. And I understand. If I was part of that relationship, I would want out too.
I have no desire to connect with the board. They have chosen to never show compassion. Won't even give their rabbi Pesach off... And the guy working at the bakery hates you too.
That's the truth. The Emet.

H’ is beyond this world. You can't be in this Physical Olam and fully see H’. But you can be here and connect with his compassion. What He shows when He chooses.
May we be Zoyche to see H’ and His compassion for our people, our Olympians, our soldiers. And may He disband our board...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got political, and BE”H we will have fifteen less members next week.
I think the rabbi compared the board to the IRGC and Tucker Carlson.
What I gathered is the rabbi doesn’t want intimacy with his congregants. And that’s a good thing. Nowadays you get fired for that.
I think he also blamed ICE for not coming to our community. He was mad ICE hasn't come to our shul yet.

The Feinwitzs were hoping to get back together. They rekindled their love for one another. After the rabbi's sermon, they immediately signed the divorce papers. And there was a Bat Mitzvah in shul today. I think the rabbi called her an anti-Semite.

The board wants the rabbi to give shorter speeches. I believe everybody in our shul wants to know less of each other. Nobody in our shul has ever requested to see somebody's face more than they have to. People have stopped coming back for Seuda Shelishit on Shabbat afternoon, because they don't want to see the other members again. Truth is, most of the congregants walk with their heads down. Very immodest and egotistical people. They just don't want to see anybody.
Most of us would rather not know any names. We would rather not have people know our names. They know your name, they ask you to help. Best Shabbat meal I ever had was at a random family in Dayton, Ohio. Not one person knew my name. It got to the point mid-dinner where they were afraid to ask. I had been there too long for them to admit they didn't know who I was. I don't even think they realized I was sitting there. I didn't have to pass a thing.

The rabbi is truly mad about the cost of trips to Israel. I think that's what this war is all about. He just wants a deal on flights. He wants Israel and America to win the war in Iran so that he can find a sale on Travelocity. He's convinced that's why Israel is in this.
He also made the point that it's because of terrorists that we have to stand in security lines and get everything checked at the airports. Before that, it was much easier to shoot people on planes.

I brought up the politics at work this week. Not good. I realized I can't bring up anything I see in the news. I would be showing up every day saying, "People have died. And more people dead." People at my work don't like to hear that, unless if it's about a Jew. That at least brings a smile.

It is a time of Jewish peace. Be”H.
Oh. The rabbi got people mad, showing support for Israel and America. As Kim said, "Supporting the government. That's not very American." 
The Jews are mad that Jews might be safer without Iran. As Brian said, "Feeling safe is not Jewish. I am starting to feel a bit secure about myself. I'm turning into a Goy."
I got in a five hour argument with one of my friends at shul who made it clear that the real problem with this war is the Epstein Files. She got that from CNN. As she said, "That's exactly how it was reported. And they also said Mamdani is proIsrael. Which is why his wife likes posts which say to get the Jews out of Israel. I think she also wants them out of New York." She also mentioned later in the week that they had Mahmoud Khalil over to break the Ramadan fast, as a sign of support for the Jewish people. I think Mamdani's wife wants Jews dead. I'm beginning to think last week was a very heavy week.

Our members hate themselves so much. They will only pray for more antisemitism. That's their Tefillah. They hate the vLamlshinim prayer. They want a Bracha that says, "Our enemies should be blessed with more weapons, because of Donald Trump, who is trying to help our people."
Nothing bothered the people more than the rabbi praying for the end of terror. Our membership feels that’s not politically correct. As that’s their tradition. And they have the right to their tradition.

Iran truly kills vacations. As the rabbi said, "The IRGC's objective. is to get flights cancelled. And to have EL AL charge more."

That's how they support Israel. They don't visit.

The rabbi told a beautiful story about how you can get to know H' by getting to know a stranger. He quoted a rabbi. Forgot the rabbi's name. Just be happy I remembered this. All Moshe could see was an image of H', and a stranger is only an image. Which that stranger is. Created in the image of Gd, get to know that image. I think the point of that story was strangers are better than members. He brought it in the sermon to say that he doesn't want to know any of our membership. At least more than he already does. And he hates the board.

Announcements
There will be Mishloach Manot restrictions. Do not give anybody Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Other people also don’t like them. We do not care if they ended up by you. Be fair to other people and don't throw that nutmeg poppy Hamentashen onto anybody else. And no wicker baskets. We have had many members who have no idea how to throw wicker out. Thus, leading to the shul’s wicker piles. Let us not call them "gift baskets." Let's call them "gift ziploc bags." This will save a lot of trash.
 
Megillah reading will start on time. Which means, come to shul and don’t talk. Shlomo will have a hissy. He comes to shul to Daven. It’s annoying. We’ve tried dealing with the issue of members who don’t talk in shul.
Also, we ask that people do not get excited when they hear the name “Haman.” Over the years we’ve realized that it sounds like you’re cheering the guy on.
 
We will be giving children a lot of candy. Our shul understands the importance of Jewish education, Jewish holidays and diabetes.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Mordechai and How He Didn't Have Hershey Kisses in Mind When He Was Thinking Gift Baskets on Purim. What to do with Wicker- A Jewish Response to a Pile of Baskets. How to Ruin Shul by Davening & Not Talking Like the Back Left of the Congregation and Mark. Haman Banging Techniques that Don't Sound Like You Love the Guy. How You Can Tell a Thin Jew is a Bad Jew.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Purim is Monday evening. And we shall celebrate... We celebrate. Purim is a holiday. That's what we do on holidays. We celebrate... We get drunk properly.
There’s a ritual.

When the Kohens were inaugurated, there was a ritual. You take unleavened bread... Not Hamentashen. They didn’t have Oznei Haman in the Tabernacle. And nobody likes Mrs. Felsenblum's poppyseed Hamentashen... We don’t call them Haman’s ears in English, because people would be more disgusted by that than Mrs. Felsenblum’s Tashen… No leavening. Anything you leaven, you mess up. Our congregation is very bad with leavening. None of you have any idea what to do with sourdough. And then with Pesach coming and the way you clean. Unleavened loaves...
Rituals. You dress the Kohanim. As part of the service, you show up with clothes. The first time Tim showed up in his bathing suit. He thought he was going to Davening at a pool... It’s a shul. Not a pool...

(Shemot 29:5) “And you shall take the clothes and dress Aharon...” You’re making the Ephod and the tunic... You use it to dress people... You have a suit. You wear it.
Even the Kohen Gadol has to get dressed. You serve H’. You get dressed... I am not supporting that huge black thing on our Chazin’s head. I have no idea where that was in the Beit Hamikdash. There is nothing that says you have to take a huge piece of satin and throw it on your head, in the Torah. Purim did not exist yet...
If it didn't say to dress Aharon, the Kohens of this shul would Duchening in tank tops. You would be doing the priestly blessings in undershirts...
You dress properly. You consecrate... That's how you consecrate. You dress properly.
Purim is coming. We have to consecrate the shul... Dress nicely. Dressing like a Han Dynasty Asian in not proper Jewish dress. Unless if you were living in China twenty-two-hundred years ago. If you were a Jew living in China in the times of the Second Beit HaMikdash, fine. But you're living in Topeka... Let's consecrate with a suit. How about this Purim you dress like a Mensch. That's a costume... A costume is something you wear that is different than what you usually wear. Hence, the suit is a costume for our male congregants...
When anointing Aharon there was correct dress. Not like Raizel, who's wearing an evening gown like she's getting married at Kiddish...

If there is anything we learn. Ceremony is important. And our shul needs to get things right. At the Berkman wedding, the flower girl. She was throwing roses everywhere. Petals all over. The bride walked on carpet. Straight carpet. No flowers. My wife got hit in the face with a rose...
Like the inauguration of the Kohanim, did we cook right? Did we dress right? Did we make the right food? Did we make the right clothes?...

Mrs. Felsenblum definitely messed up the Hamentashen... You can leaven Hamentashen. That's one thing you can leaven.
The Mrs. Felsenblum Hamentashen. Is she using chickpea flaxseed husk???
Healthy Hamentashen. Again. An issue. You're consecrating the Hamentashen wrong. Dough. Use dough...
You make Mishloach Manot, you do it it right. You don't give Halloween candy... I don't care if people are dressing up like Asians. Which I find offensive. It's sacrilege. Orange candies are not allowed... 
It's not an event. It's a ritual, and there is a process to rituals. One that takes very long with our Chazin reading the Megillah. He likes to make things painful. And we are supposed to celebrate... Because we didn't die. That's reason for celebrating Bernie is that we didn't die. You're almost ninety. You should at least be able to connect with this.
Mishloach Manot is about spreading Simcha. Not Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen... 
It's not about celebrating wicker. Every hoarder in our shul has wicker. Not one person knows how to throw out wicker...

Shlomo is right. We should be Davening in shul, on time. He's annoying, but right. 
You prepare the clothes, you shower, you prepare the sacrifice. And you sacrifice the sacrifice on time. You don't give the day's sacrifice tomorrow... Because it's today's sacrifice.
On time means on time... You read Megillah on time, and you finish on time when you don't have our Chazin. The guy is so painful... Even hearing people cheer at Haman is not as painful as you annunciating every word. People would've left the Kohens' inauguration service if you were leading it... It would've taken two weeks if you were leading it. They would've left before the Kohen got dressed...

It's our new thing. Our shul is now going to be on time... After Shacharit. Nobody showed up on time today. But. We’re now starting everything on time... That means when it’s announced for, Bernie.
Sometimes we have to change traditions. We're going to start Davening on time. No more talking in the middle of Layning. It's Torah reading. Not Torah talking. We're going to give people Mishloach Manot that are enjoyable. Haman screams are going to be against Haman...
Seriously, you have to make sure that you don’t sound like you’re not rooting for Haman. "Woooh" is not a show of anger. It's a show of somebody getting drunk.
Let's consecrate Megillah reading and not cheer for Haman...

If your children are not eating the candy and Hamentashen, they're probably not learning Torah.
For children to be religious they need to have the right food. And that is food made by Paskesz... Hamentashen are fine for the Jewish child as well. Just not Mrs. Felsenblum's. We want the children to love their tradition.
Point is you have to prepare right. You need to first purchase the Paskesz. You need to practice the Megillah reading, so you can read it faster, without somebody dictating everything. Because you're getting paid to read it, when most people do it for free. You buy a suit, so you look like a Mensch... Tzachi has an excuse. He's from Israel. They wear jeans to weddings...
You prepare, you consecrate, then you serve H' with a Chazin who doesn't kill your holiday. Taking forever.

After Aharon is properly dressed, once we've prepared right, we bring the Karban Chatat, the sin offering (Shemot 29:14). First come right, dress not like Bluma, who's wearing a jean skirt, thinking it's 1986. Prepare yourself. Then you can start the service. You can start bringing sacrifices... It's a sacrifice to deal with our Chazin.
The first sacrifice is the sin offering. For all the messed-up rituals you guys do. You need atonement before celebration. Only after atonement are the other offerings appreciated... Because you guys get everything wrong. You don't prepare to celebrate by binge drinking. They didn't tailgate the Tabernacle.
Before Purim, I ask you all ask me for Mechilah. For forgiveness. With all your mess-ups... Yom Kippur. Yom KiPurim. A day like Purim. Apologize for messing up my holidays...
After all of this, we can celebrate. 

Some costumes you shouldn't wear in celebration. They're a sin. The strawberry shortcake outfit. Fred Flintstone. Extremely out of shape Shrek and Fiona...
There is no Mitzvah to dress like an idiot.

Let us consecrate Purim and our Hamentashen, and purchase the Stern's Hamentashen. Those are good. Those aren't made by Mrs. Felsenblum.
If we just had Torah rules for how Mishloach Manot should be made. Maybe I would get a young he bull. I would enjoy that...
Maybe you can use wicker to make the fire for a sin offering. I don't know. But that chair is broken. Throw it out...
Now that we have prepared and the Chazin knows to go faster, let us celebrate. Oh no. They're coming in from Kiddish Club now. Already drunk. Purim is just another day for these...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just turned Purim into Yom Kippur with a pun.
I think the rabbi doesn't fully understand the word "consecrate." Either that, or he believes in his congregants.
Main points that I caught in the sermon. The rabbi is proposing we get rid of the Chazin and Mrs. Felsenblum's Hamentashen. They are a sin offering.

Was the rabbi suggesting we wear tunics to shul. It is clear he doesn't like the Chazin hat.
Maybe it's a Purim costume thing. It seems the rabbi is against Purim costumes. I know he’s against the Chazin hat. We definitely have to get dressed. He made that clear. Get dressed and make better Hamentashen than Mrs. Felsenblum.
I am just thinking that if it's not a suit, the rabbi would probably suggest to dress in samurai for Maariv. 

Bernie connects to nothing about Yiddishkeit. He comes to shul to not connect. He Davens to say, "I didn't feel anything." He listens to the rabbi's sermon to say, "I don't like the rabbi." He goes to Kiddish to say, "It wasn't that good." I think he's the most spiritual person in our shul.

I can’t believe the rabbi put down the sourdough. Our membership and their commitment to sourdough. They take care of it more than their children. They’re very protective of their sourdough. Avia even has a sourdough carrier sling. She wraps her sourdough in front, so she can see it.

Announcements were just Purim announcements. All other announcements were forgotten. Nobody showed up to Minyin. Sima’s Shiva house had nobody coming. Nobody even knew her mother passed. They forgot to announce that. And the Purim bake sale had no sales. Nobody knew it was happening. Shul security was happy about that. As it's always safer to have an event that people don't know about.

I have no idea what leavening Hamentashen means. I like Matzah myself. I will stick to Matzah. I can rub jelly on a triangle of Matzah too. Matzahtashen. I started making it last Pesach. Mrs. Grubmen came up with the Matzahtashen. She spends Pesach making everything out of Matzah. Turns everything into Matzah. Pizza. Pizza already sounds a bit like Matzah. I think she calls it Matzah Pizza. Then there is Matzdish. A Matzah Danish. Similar to Matzahtashen, just that it's not a triangle. Lasagntza. It's hard to say, but it tastes great. And then there's Matzah Blintzes. I believe you can take any dish, preface it with Matzah, and you have a Pesach recipe. 

I feel like people are unloading stuff on me with their Mishloach Manot.
Those flaxseed Hamentashen are messed up.

The rabbi should've never taken Shlomo's side. If people have to show up on time to services, they're not coming. More people would come to shul if the rabbi told them to come after services.
All people could talk about during Megillah reading was the rabbi and Shlomo ruining shul for them, telling them not to talk.
​
They started Megillah reading late. Again. Which the rabbi considered on time, because it was only twenty minutes late.
It’s long-standing shul tradition to be there when it doesn’t say to be there. I’ve been to events a day late, and other people showed up too.

They really do sound like they love Haman. I’ve even heard “Wooh!!!” Like they’re cheering for a team. Hate and fandom sound very similar. Our ice hockey team lost because they were rooting against the other team.

The fact we have to announce that kids will be doing unhealthy stuff on a holiday is messed up. The fact that they think there should be a candy limit. The fact that they think it's wrong for children to smoke on Purim. It shows how disconnected our congregation is from the Torah and Yiddishkeit. We're a shul full of a bunch of heretics.

We had a prePurim wicker sale. The shul felt bad throwing out the wicker. People have a very hard time figuring out what to do with wicker baskets. 
The rabbi's Psak to throw out wicker was revolutionary. Not one of our congregants has ever had any idea what to do with it. You can't throw it out. You can't recycle it. You can't burn it. You can't reuse it. You can't buy used wicker. They don't even know how to resell it.
So. For Purim, everybody bought new wicker. Instead of not using wicker, they bought more baskets. Point is, we have a storage room in the shul that is full of wicker.
​The only thing wicker is good for is Kiddish.

The Haman banging techniques seminar turned into an educational intensive on how to bang a table loud enough on Rosh Chodesh to scare everybody.

Announcements
Do not worry about your homes. We want to let all Jews of our town in Kansas know that Mamdani does not have any control over the taxes in Topeka. Living here is still affordable. The rabbi wants to ensure the congregation that Mamdani cannot make decisions from New York for Topeka, Kansas Jews.
 
Deni Avdija represented Israel in the NBA All-Star Game, and now people hate Jews more.
We had a committee and meeting and discussed it. It's fine to support Israeli in the Olympics. Even if you may lose your job, you're allowed to say, "Israelis are good people."

Members don’t have to worry about showing up to shul. We took down the Rosh Chodesh sign. People will not be scaring families and banging tables in the shul this coming week.
The Gabai took down the Yaaleh vYavo sign. Such a Mechaiyah. A joy. A pleasure. Davening won’t take an hour and a half. And nobody will be singing.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Community- Mamdani and Our Shul’s Board. Israel and Our People- Why Nobody Comes to Our Congregation for Help- A Story of a Board Led by Ruchele. When A Shul Has Nobody Who Represents Their People in the Olympics or at a Board Meeting. Making Rosh Chodesh Very Painful with Our Chazin- How Such a Short Davening Can Last So Long and Other Miracles You Don’t Want to Witness.
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Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. H’ goes through everything that you can give to the Tabernacle and how to make it. Because you leave anything for translation and you guys mess it up... I saw what you gave Menachem for his Bar Mitzvah. H' doesn't want you giving Him second hand books. He doesn't need stuff you're trying to get rid of... The book cover worn. The spine had creases in it...

(Shemot 25:21) “And you shall put the Cover on the Ark from above...” Because you fools would try to put the cover on the side. Some of you would try to put it on the bottom... Because you people make no sense. Malkie put the lid on the side of the pot. What happened? Soup spilled everywhere. H’ has to remind you guys that covers are supposed to cover things... And clothes cover you when you come into shul. If somebody can please tell the Filberman cousins...
(Shemot 26:11) “And you shall bring the hooks into the loops...” Because that’s what normal people do with hooks and loops. H’ has to spell it out for you people. You hook the hooks in the loops... That's why they're called hooks, Brian...

(Shemot 26:30) “You shall erect the Mishkan according to its right way, that will be show on the mountain.” It's not supposed to be the way Marty decided the back awning should look... It looks like you're entering a circus. What's with the red and yellow?! No shul has red and yellow on their awning, unless if they're selling hotdogs...
​The Mishkan is the Tabernacle. Does that make more sense? Is Tabernacle a better English word than Mishkan??? Well. I'm confused about that too... Got to spell things out for you. Otherwise, you do it the wrong way. Like the renovations and the new four by six dance floor... Who creates a four foot by six foot dance floor? Are we going to have Bar Mitzvah parties with two people?!...
When it's not Gd, it’s not right. You start coming up with messed up definitions of stuff, like genocide. You start coming up with weird commentaries about Jews using bobsleds in the Olympics to hit Gazans... You start smacking tables instead of calmly letting people know it's Rosh Chodesh... 

Sometimes there is no room for your creativity. Because you will mess up the building. You guys can’t even figure out how to put the parts of the Sukkah together... It’s not construction. It's canvas. It's a drape.
Put it together like I am telling you. Do renovations like H’ wants. Renovations of the sanctuary. There’s a reason Yankel Baruch isn’t working the drill for the new Mechitzah... Good question. I don’t believe H’ ordered people from Central America to build the Tabernacle. Though Phil has some amazing people on his staff...

You make no sense. That's why we have commandments.
Just follow H’s way and it will work out right. It will be “one.” It won't fall apart like the Lefkowitz wedding cake. Or their wedding for that matter.
The Mishkan comes together as one. Not like this shul. And I understand why nobody can stand Rob... Because H’ did not say the Tabernacle needs a bride’s room. We haven’t had a wedding here in five years...
Do things the right way. 

Mamdani also makes no sense...
Mamdani doesn't control the world. I understand he said he'll arrest Bibi... Who's going to arrest Bibi if there are no police in New York.
Mamdani is good for the Jewish people. We will finally witness the Geula and Jews moving back to Israel...
Some Jews might move here, to Topeka... I'm worried our people will be more scared of Bernie and Fran than Mamdani. You people are very scary. And then the Rosh Chodesh table whacking. Calm down. H' didn't say to frighten people. He said to pray. I said Yaaleh vYavo and had an anxiety attack... I have no idea how that tradition started. Somebody must've been mad Davening was taking too long, and then they slammed a table. Now our congregation thinks it's a law to scare everybody...

We must stick up for our athletes. That's the right thing to do. Stick up for Israel and our athletes... Not one person in this shul is athletic. Which is why I don’t support you.
Am I supposed to support you sitting on a Cybex machine??? Just sitting there.
Stick up for them. In the Olympics. They're our people. No need to get into it like Mushka. Just support them. No need to scream, "Jews. There are Jews on the screen!!! Jews in the Olympics!!!" Calm down. Some Jews are athletes too. Some Jews are in shape. You don't see them in our shul. But there are Jews who are healthy...
They're our people. Let it be known. Israelis are good people. The Israeli army is moral. Be proud. Our people are good, and our shul does not represent them...

The Rosh Chodesh sign is very scary. I understand. I see it and I get anxiety attacks. Don’t worry. It’s down. You can show to shul again. It won’t take an hour and a half for Wednesday morning Davening... It takes an hour and a half when you Daven alone, because you keep forgetting to say Yaaleh vYavo. That's on you. You can't blame the Chazin for you having to repeat Shemonah Esrei five times. You can’t focus for three minutes? What goes on in your mind during the Amidah?... We can send Michel Baruch to bang on a table and scare you into saying Yaaleh vYavo. Ever since I heard an angry Michel Baruch table slap, I have not forgotten to say Yaaleh vYavo. In fear he might whack the table harder... We've lost tables in shul to Michel's whacking...
H' did not say to break tables at shul on Rosh Chodesh. That's not one of the commandments....
So scary hearing them bang. Why the banging. We have the sign. What’s the point in the sign… And then you forget anyways. With the sign…
And then he sings it. Everybody hates you. I understand you’re the Chazin but people hate coming to shul because of you… That's the real reason people bang. People are banging because they’re mad you’re singing. You and the front right of the shul. That's why people stay away from you all in the front right. You're instigators. You egg on the Chazin and his singing. And you have bad harmony... H' never said to harmonize.

​H's way is the right way. It makes sense. You throw out everything for Pesach. And you use plastic. Plastic dishes. A lot of plastic on Pesach... Because it makes sense.
Just follow how H' says to do it...
Maybe we need brides before there is a bride's room. Maybe first Pinny should meet somebody....
H' says to say Yaaleh vYavo. Do it the first time and I will submit a proposal to the board that Michel Baruch stops breaking things in shul.
And do renovations properly, without our members... Our members should try to get in better shape... Stop being creative and things will be decent around here. Maybe people will build properly and stop trying to figure out how to fit loops into loops. It's not a shul. This place is a brain teaser...
At least we won't be walking into Shloimi and Yaelis Four Loop Circus... That's what it looks like when you enter the shul with that awning... H' wants gold plated metal looking letters on fronts of buildings. That's why every Yeshiva has it...

Worst gifts. Never get a gift from our membership.
And cover yourselves. You put a shirt on the top of your body. A sports jacket over the shirt... That's what H' wants in shul... TABERNACLE.

Rivka's Rundown
You need to spell things out for our congregants. Like the word “Tabernacle.” Our rabbi had to spell that out countless times during the sermon.
Nobody could wrap their head around Tabernacle being an English word, because the word wasn’t “building.” If Mishkan was the English word, I'd understand my language better.

Truly the worst gifts. For our anniversary we got second hand Tupperware.

I must agree with the rabbi. Canvas is not construction. It's curtain placement. Yet, our congregants want to say it's building because that's the extent to which they have ever built anything. They've suggested the shul pays people to build stuff. Other than messed up ideas for renovations, they are useless.
The rabbi gave in. He felt bad. Canvas Sukkahs is the only handy thing these guys do around the house. They put up a Sukkah and they take pride in that. And they hire a guy to come and unclog a kitchen sink. Not one member in our shul can figure that out.

All people can talk about is Mamdani. 
People are worried about Mamdani. One guy sold his home and moved out of Topeka because he's afraid of communism in New York. Worried he'll get taxed by Mamdani if New Yorkers refuse to pay the five billion dollars he wants them to pay for LGBTQ afternoon coffee get-togethers for religious children. 
I’m worried too. It feels like a lot of Jew hatred. I think I heard him say, “Jews have no rights anywhere.” And then he said, "I can make those decisions. And I'm going to tax the Jews." I think Mamdani said he controls Israel too.
That guy has guts. Who says they run the world, and yet have no power to do it?! That takes guts.

Our members get very violent around Rosh CHodesh. The Yaaleh vYAvo bang is scary as anything. It feels like a fight with the table. 
Michel Baruch put on an exhibition of Yaaleh vYavo table breaking. Now the shul lost all the tables that came in with the new renovation. That's ten thousand dollars lost. It looks like a hate crime was committed on our shul.
Due to the rise in antisemitism, Michel has been asked by parents to teach his form of karate. Which is now known as Ryu-Chodesh. Many children in our shul have signed up for Ryu-Chodesh Dojo. One or two of our new members from South America refused to show up, as dojo sounded to much like DOJ. So, Michel Baruch now just calls it a Ryu-Chodesh practice room.
As part of the Kata, upon striking with the Kiai breath they shout "Yaaleh vYavo." One kid struck a member of our shul when he noticed the person did not say Yaaleh vYavo. The child was reprimanded, as Rosh Chodesh had passed.

And then these idiots sing. I want to hurt them. There is nothing happy about Rosh Chodesh at our shul. One fool requested we do a musical Rosh Chodesh. I calculated the addition of instruments at an extra forty-five minutes. That's two hours and fifteen minutes with the Chazin.
The rabbi is right. The banging is because of the singing. It feels good to get out your anger at the Chazin. That's why I bang. I bang at Shabbat Musaf when the Chazin sings during the Kedusha prayer as well. And then I shout at the members in the front right of the shul. They start with their harmonizing, I yell at them. The only issue is I've been complimented on my harmony. It turns out my yelling sounds better than their singing. It's a bit of a compliment. I didn't know my yells sounds so good. I've been yelling at people for a while now. I think it just feeds my ego as a want to be deva. 
I also appreciate the rabbi's explanation of the secondary reason for why the banging is done in such a scary way. It's because otherwise people will be like Tzvi and forget to say Yaaleh vYavo. They whack the table, you live through it, you remember to praise Gd. 

The rabbi brought up Jews in the Olympics. That excites our congregants almost as much as seeing a Yarmulke on a TV show.
​There is not one athlete in our shul. The board took a vote, and they decided that posting your aerobics workout online does not make somebody an athlete. And they agree with the rabbi that it's Asur to post workouts, as it's forbidden to bring pain on other people.

The greater community is shaming us for supporting Jewish and Israeli athletes. They are claiming that Israel competing in the Olympics is an act of genocide. I am just happy judo is not part of the winter games. I don't know how we would justify that.
I will not stop supporting our athletes. I'm with the rabbi. "Just don't support our membership."

Announcements
We're having an enhanced Kiddish for love this week. It will include strawberries. That’s the enhancement. 
Malkie loves strawberries. She said they are tantamount to love, because she loves them. Please address Malkie with any questions about why there is no mango or passion fruit. Or dragon fruit for that matter.
 
Mark Sandwich Night will be this Thursday. It’s an art. The way he cuts. Stacks. It’s a sight to see. He folds the bread too. Spreads mayonnaise. The sisterhood will be cooking brisket and kugels and ensuring all is set up. Mark will be placing the food on the bread. And thus, we call it Mark Sandwich Night, and we do not mention the sisterhood.
 
We're starting to try to draw more old couples. We want more elderly in our shul. The board has decided against youth. We want an elderly shul. We are starting an old couples club.
We have noticed that we have a lot of young couples now in the shul, and for some reason, we are now broke.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Enhanced Kiddishes Never Fill You Up- How Our Board Lets You Down- A Study in Strawberries. How to Take Credit for What Other People Do- A Study in Mark Sandwich night. Why Have Young Couples When You Have Our Shul- A Shul with No Hope.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s about love. And Pinny doesn't have anybody who loves him…
(Shemot 22:27) “Do not curse Gd, and do not curse a leader of your people.” Cursing is wrong. You’re cursing right now Bernie...
Can we stop with the Klalot. So much cursing. You’re cursing right now under your breath. We see it, Sadie. Everybody hates Malka Chaya. We get it. But you have to stop cursing... Help her buy a new hat that’s less annoying... It’s huge Malka. What the ----....
You curse everybody. You've got to calm down with the cursing under your breath. And we hear it too. How we hear what you are not saying. You're yelling your murmurs...

We know H’. Of course, you can’t curse or blaspheme H’. But you also can’t curse a leader... Did Gd cut you off on the highway?! No. It was that piece of...
An actual commandment. Don't curse your leaders. You also can’t curse your rabbi... Well, you should go to... I'm a leader... Who is standing up here at the Bima, talking to a bunch of heretics? Exactly.
You’re not leaders. You can be cursed. If Sadie deems it, she can curse you... Pouring drinks at the Kiddish club does not make you a Nassi.

It’s about love and appreciation. You show appreciation by not cursing... I don't think I can expect much more from this congregation. Not cursing is a step in the right. What the... Did that child just run between me and the lectern. What the...

(Shemot 23:5) “When you see the donkey of the one you hate crouching under its load, would you stop from helping him?” I know Baruch would. We know you wouldn't help. You didn’t even help when the Babka fell last week. You just watched them picking it up while you ate the Danish...
“You must surely help with him.” Help. An idea. A concept. Something the Kiddish Club has never done... You can help with a hedgehog too... A hamster as well...
You notice how it says “with him.” You do things together. You help your enemy with him. You make love... You help. You make peace. You make love. Unlike Mark who never helps around the house. Or Pinny who hasn't been in a relationship in eight years... I know about Mark. We do couples counseling. 
Hey! I fulfil the Mitzvahs. I helped lift Shlomo when he got drunk and fell before Musaf...

You don’t help and that is why there is hatred. That’s why you all curse each other.
If Malka Chaya’s hat falls, I understand. Don’t help. Stomp on that huge purple thing. It’s like you’re wearing Barnie on your head...

We have to help our congregation. Do things together that are helpful. Like getting rid of congregants...

Cut the strawberries together. Help...
I have no idea what an enhanced Kiddish is. It’s always the same as the other Kiddishes. A very misleading word... The Kiddish is enhanced with love. That's what it is.
Strawberries are love... You don’t give your loved one dried figs. Figs are not romantic... Dragon fruit shows more love than passion fruit. You open a passion fruit, it looks disgusting. Like Harold with his clothes off... Harold is the reason the shul stopped going to the beach years ago.
Honestly. We have to stop calling these things enhanced Kiddishes. It's a Mekach Taot. A faulty sale. Ruben would've never come to shul if he didn't think the Kiddish was enhanced.
It's like telling your enemy you're going to help and then not. You say it's going to be a great Kiddish. But then, strawberries. That's it. Not even an extra Kugel...
Maybe the strawberries will help Mark and Pinny find love again. Something they haven't had. Maybe Mark will give his wife a strawberry and they will make up. And I won't have to hear about him being a lazy piece of... We get it Jaclyn. We all know he is.

Mark. I respect your sandwich making ability. It brings the sisterhood together to make your sandwiches...
You have a love of sandwiches. If you loved your wife like your pastrami.
If you helped around the house. Maybe cooked with her, instead of spreading mayonnaise like you're a chef... Then, maybe your wife would stop cursing you... I know. I do couples therapy with them.
The guy spreads stuff like that's helpful. He spreads out all of his stuff on the counter and leaves. You help. You clean up together... You're not a chef. What kind of a chef can't cook. You're a lunch packer...

We are trying to not draw youth. We are having an Old Couples Club. I love it.
We need old people... You're saying we don't need old people because you took all their money. Now you don’t care about them. And you don't even visit... I know they can move. But they're old. You visit old people. You help lift donkeys and you visit old people. That's the Torah on one food... 
No old people should be standing on one foot. They will fall...
No. I don't want to see youth. They throw their lollipops all over the floor. They cry when they pull your hair. Not one of them can do Hagba.
No youth groups. It's an old group...

Respect old people. They curse you out, because they're old. You have to respect them... They’re in the old age home. They donated the shul... You’re not their child. You never were getting their money. Visit.
The youthful shul idea is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. “We want congregants that don’t pay dues.”
This is why we have hatred. Young people don't help. And you're serving strawberries instead of enhancing the Kiddish...

Other things that cause hatred. Judges that don't do their job. (Shemot 23:1-2)
Wrong judgement also causes lack of love. And we judged young people as being helpful.
It all comes back to not cursing and not causing curses, like Bernie and the back left... When you get a messed-up decision from a judge, you curse. Whenever the board decides on something dumb, like enhanced Kiddishes, you curse... Because you expected it will be enhanced...
“You must not follow the majority to do evil...” The majority would not help the one that is their enemy. And I know this because Fran and Bernie will help nobody in the shul, and they hate everybody.
No love... Basically. Do not follow anybody in our congregation and you will be doing the right thing...
(Shemot 23:3) Even siding with poor people is wrong. It causes lack of love. You judge everybody the same. And that is why I say this whole shul is messed up. You should all go to...

If we had normal people that would help... Anything would help more than Mark and his scooping out of a bagel, like he's working a delicacy... The poor people at least help with cleanup.
And no cursing the rabbi. You pieces of...
Helping and doing together makes for love. Let us all get Malka Chaya a new hat. Let's get a committee that knows how to enhance a Kiddish. And let us get more old people... Old people are allowed to curse. That's what they do...
You don't curse out the guy you hate while helping with his donkey... 

I'm changing the name of our shul to The Shul With No Hope. Beit Knesset LLo Tikvah. Where the members are a bunch of donkey pieces of... May we all praise H' together...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi truly got into the cursing. I counted eighteen curses coming out of his mouth during the sermon. I believe he was trying to get across the lesson that a leader can curse at his constituents, and that the congregation is full of a bunch of pieces of...

The rabbi fought back and cursed Bernie and the back left of the shul, because they’re not leaders. They think they're leaders. They do run the Kiddish club.
I think the rabbi was calling Shlomo a donkey and the Kiddish club people he hates.

Sadie has very loud under breath. We hear it.
The whole shul curses eachother. Middle of the Amidah, the silent prayer, they're moving their lips. I will put my money on it that the members of our shul are not praying. They're cursing the other congregants out, under their breath. This is what I heard Sadie saying during the Amidah, "And to the heretics, like Michael Shlomo... And may H' wipe out our enemies and Malka's hat. That piece of... The one who hears my prayers to never have to see Mark and his wife again..."

Malka Chaya’s hats get everybody mad. Eight-inch brims. She passes you and she hits you. For the Amidah, when she takes the three steps back and bows from side to side, the whole section gets whacked by her hat.

They have to stop with this enhanced Kiddish. They bring up our hopes. And then they never have enough Danish. People hear enhanced and they all show up. Huge numbers. Huge crowds show up and the don't even get a Kichel.
It's an enhanced number of people. That's what they enhance at these Kiddishes. People. They haven't figured out how to enhance the food. Maybe next time they'll throw glitter on the Tzimis.

I can't believe the rabbi called Mark a lunch packer. That's not nice. It's got to be a curse. It's got to be. I think the rabbi was out of line. Never call somebody a lunch packer.
Mark’s sandwich hand movement. Amazing. It's a talent. As he spreads the Thousand Island, he opens his hands like he's presenting it. Brilliance. It's a presentation with his hands. The laying out of the vegetables. It’s a true art.
Mark doesn't cook. But that's not his thing. His wife and the sisterhood fry the eggplants. He places them on bread. His specialty is placement. That’s his focus. Placing the vegetable. Not cutting it. The sisterhood cuts them. Mark doesn’t put his hands in harm’s way. And that's why he's the star.
The sisterhood should get some credit, for the kitchen prep, the cooking, the cleanup, the shopping. Mark didn't help with that. It was like they did it together with him, but he did it alone.
He takes credit. That's what Mark Sandwich Night is. A night for Mark to not give credit to the sisterhood.
Truth is, nobody in the sisterhood can lay out an eggplant and onion like Mark.

The youth of our shul are selfish and not one of them can do Hagba. The rabbi is not happy about that. And the young couples only care about themselves. At least old people care. It's the old people that scream at the kid.
These young couples can care less about their elderly. These young idiots think the shul just got here. The old people built it, pay for it, and watch the young couples and their kids ruin it. 
The rabbi is now fighting with the youth director who insists that there needs to be more posters on the wall. As part of renovations, the youth director feels it's important to bring down the value of the shul.

At least old coupes give something to the shul. They help. I have never heard, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Miriam and Alex who just had a baby." No. It's, "Today's Kiddish is sponsored by Linda and Harry on the birth of their new grandson." And what's amazing is old people have never said, "That's an enhanced Kiddish." You know why? Because it makes no sense. Kids hear enhanced and they get all excited. 
Old couples makes all the sense. You don't have to deal with the kids running around. You don't see the kids, but you celebrate all of their Simchas.
Youth kill congregations. I have never heard youth say, “Let me help and pick up the lollipop I threw on the carpet.” I'm with the rabbi on this new Old Movement. An Elderly Movement, I love it. I'm changing Beitar right now. Elderly Zionists. 
The Old People Youth Movement Shabbatons in the shul will consist of one program and then sleep. It's much easier than these youth conventions. I put in my resume to be the Old People Director.

In the end, nobody joined the old couples club. Not even the old people. The eighty-year-olds in our shul are insisting they're youth. I believe they said, "We're youthful." Which sounds quite amusing coming from Fran, who ran out of breath and stopped three times to finish that sentence. 
Youthful? I think they're just trying to get out of having to donate anything to the shul. They see the youth giving nothing and they want to give that.
I’m still pushing for more old people and less enhanced Kiddishes. Where, for some reason, they have more food.

Announcements
The rabbi said the Gabai is not allowed to call up relatives for a first birthday party. To quote, "A child turning one is not our problem." Kal VaChomer, even more so, a two-year old’s birthday party.
Your family coming in to celebrate is great. It’s not a Simcha, even if Malkie's parents think it’s important. The shul can care less.
And nobody has to give gifts. We want to make that clear. Don't feel the need to buy the little one something pink.
 
No more dried fruit are allowed in our shul. Tu BShvat was a beautiful holiday last week. However, our congregants do not have the stomach for figs and not salted almonds.
 
The Torah holder has been fixed. They are there now. From now on, following Hagba, the Torah will be able to be placed in the holder.
This is about Kavod and future respect shown to people who are not as weak as Yankel, who can barely lift a Torah cover. We as a congregation want to apologize for giving Hagba last week to Melech Simcha. It was disrespectful. Making him sit there for forty-five minutes. He thought it was a Kavod. That changed very fast. Somebody should’ve done the Torah take away, and handed the Torah to the Galilah guy that nobody respects.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Parents Who Celebrate What Nobody Cares About- How Malkie's Birthday Means Nothing If She Won't Remember It. Tu BShvat Stomach Aches- How Our Congregants Find A Way to Complain Even When They're Not Saying Anything. When Hagba Turns Disrespectful- A Kavod That Turns Into a Forty-Five Minute Ordeal.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 19:4-6) After leaving Egypt and seeing all the miracles, H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. “Now. If you listen, listen, to My voice and guard My covenant, you will be a treasured people from all other nations, because the land belongs to Me. And you will be a princely people. A holy nation.” Listen. Not one of you listens... That's why you're not a treasured congregation. You're a treasured people with a very poor board who wastes a lot of money.
"If you listen." You have to listen... If you don't. You have our congregation. You have our membership. And you have people who don’t know when to stand for the Amidah... Listen. For crying out loud. The one thing you're asked to do as a treasured people. Listen. And I have to deal with a people that has ADD. The Gabai makes the announcement every Shabbis. Every single time. “Page 368”... 

You have to be a holy nation. We are called on to be this. You have to work at it. You do this by listening... I have to repeat this?! Again. I always have to repeat for your guys. Listen. 368. Musaf begins on page 368...

Listening is an action we're called on to do. Mitzvahs are a actions we're called on to do. Renovations is not the action we're called upon to do. And the board has been very good at not finishing them... And losing our money. The shul treasury is gone...

You think I know what a covenant is? I don’t have that good of a vocabulary. A Breet, I understand.

‘Now.” Why now? Why after the miracles? Because you people are impossible to convince. Even once you listen, you start asking questions, like, "Is there really going to be chocolate mousse at Kiddish?"... There isn't. It's just an example. You don't even believe when we have the enhanced Kiddish... I don't know what that means. I think they just enhance the choolante with paprika...
I couldn’t even convince you to get a new awning for the shul.
That’s why H’ has to say listen twice. Has to make sure you're listening, so He doesn't have to waste His time convincing you again. "Listen. You just saw Me split the sea. You saw Me place boils on everybody. I turned water into blood. The sea. I split a sea for crying out loud, and I still don't have your attention. Water from the rock. How about that one. Now are you convinced? Will you listen now? Do I need to get David Copperfield for showmanship?! Like the Manna and quail was not enough?"
You guys don't listen. If this was Simon Says... ​We played Simon Says. He said it and... You argued he didn’t say to touch your toes. You didn’t listen...

Rabbi says listen.
Now. Let’s talk. That's what H' is saying. He finally got their attention after fifteen national miracles and holding a mountain over their heads... No. Listen. I will not repeat this. 
We are going to make a Breet. To work on... OK. Want to call it a covenant. OK. Just listen. No more renovations. You're going to do Mitzvahs right. You're going to wrap Tefillin on your arms... I thought the lace boot was a Tefillin strap...
Rabbi says to listen...

Birthdays for little toddlers is not in the covenant... Breet is covenant. That’s what Bracha says it means. 
Gd did not command us to take pictures of kids that can't place a piece of cake in their mouth. There is not Mitzvah to take a picture of a child that messed up and got frosting all over their face... It's embarrassing. 
Expecting family to come in for a two-year old’s birthday is not fair... It’s not a Bar anything... I know it’s a girl. It’s not a Bat anything. It’s not a Mitzvah. It's you trying to get out of having to pay for onesies... We celebrate twelve, because she'll remember that. She'll be able to listen at that point...

If you would’ve listened and not eaten two pounds of dried figs...
You spent the week after Tu BShvat complaining to H’ that His creation gives you stomach aches. The worst celebration, because you didn’t listen to my advice. Now you’re a constipated people...
If you were Israelis, you would appreciate it. They can handle dried fruit and nuts. They start their toddlers on peanuts, cashews, almonds, sunflower seeds... This way, they can enjoy Tu BShvat... They’re called Pitzuchim. Israelis celebrate Tu BShvat all year... Because they have the stomach for it...
You are not supporting the JNF by eating dried fruit. There are no dried fruit trees...
I have to convince you of this?! Meredith has been puking for the past week. Now do you believe me?!...
Rabbi says to eat in moderation on Tu BShvat...
​
The rabbi didn't say to give Beshalach Hagba to Melech Simcha...
You got Hagba because the Gabai doesn't like you. It was disrespect. We don’t have our Torah holder. The holes need to be fixed in the holder. It's disrespect... That was rude. Giving it to Melech Simcha. A good guy. Should’ve given the long Hagba Torah hold to Pinny. Melech Simcha is a good guy... Chas vShalom. Bernie can't even hold himself up...
And it was Beshalach last week. That was like five Haftorahs. Boy. That was long. I timed his sitting with the Torah at forty-five minutes.
Didn’t even do the Hagba to Galilah switch. Usually, the Hagba guy bullies the Galilah loser.
Melech Simcha thought he was getting a Kavod, and then he had to sit there for the longest Haftorah... Should've broken that up. The rabbis did that to get back at somebody in Babylonia. And then the Chazin sang. He was doing tunes for Av Harachamim. Who does that?!
The Chazin and the Gabai have to ask Melech Simcha for forgiveness... The rabbi says so...

I have to repeat this?! I said I wouldn't repeat it. You didn't listen again... Don't give Hagba to people you like, until the Torah holder gets fixed. You don't do that to treasured people...

It’s Segulah. Treasure. Not chosen. What is this chosen?... We were chosen yes. To be an Am Segulah. Treasured to listen to Gd and to be hated by everybody. And you never listen... I can't stand you because you don't listen... You were not chosen to not listen. Listen. I will be repeating this sermon. If I ever witness the miracle of you hearing the sermon... The congregation is hard of hearing. Bernie and Merv are aging. Sadie is ninety. If somebody would have told me. I'll talk louder...

So, what does Am Segulah mean? People hate us. That's the translation...
You give somebody Hagba and you make him hold the Torah, they hate you. You get all selfish and give Hagba to Melech Simcha. Now he’s never coming back.
A treasured people to get stomach cramps from dried fruit. A holy people with acid reflux. A treasured people who can't hear and doesn't listen. A princely people...
Treating the two-year-old like a prince. That's annoying. A reason to hate the Feldmans...

Now. Again. Page 368!!!!! Rabbi says turn to page 368.

May we merit to listen and be a holy treasured people... Page 368!!!!!!

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi started a new game called Rabbi Says Listen. The idea is for people to listen to him and not argue. That's the game. He said it's a lot of fun. 
We once had Simon Says. It was pathetic. Simon left mid-game. He yelled, "How can I do this game if nobody listens. Do I hearing test before you bring Simon back." And then he ran. Simon talks about himself in third person. 
It was interesting that Simon was running Simon Says. He felt pegged as a child. Other kids in his class went into tech because their parents named them Alexander and Sandra.

Nobody listens. Gabai announces the Kedusha pages. We have to do it again. Never listen. They never listen. Sermons would be so much quicker if the congregants listened.
I believe I caught the sermon. Segulah. Chosen. Treasured. Hated. Rabbi hates our congregants.

So. Breet means covenant.
The rabbi made a covenant with the congregation that he can't stand them. And they have to listen.

These enhanced Kiddishes add nothing. They enhance the amount of people that show, and then I get less food. So, they add Kugel, and it's gone.

Haven’t finished renovations. We are not good at the actions. We talk about doing stuff, but we don't do. We're very good at talking. We're not good at listening and making things happen. 
The shul is now broke, because they thought the paint job needed to be done by somebody who was from the treasured people. It turns out you have to pay Feivel Moshe more when he paints.
Somebody brought up the idea of using Tim, is not Jewish. That would've been cheaper, but nobody listened. And now we're broke. And that’s why our members didn’t understand how they are part of the treasured nation.

They wanted gifts for Becky’s party. Two years old. The gift is for the Feldmans. What are they going to do with Onesies? Show up to the office in a Onesie. Messed up.
I think they wanted to save on clothes and toys for the little one. Thus, they had a party for the little girl who couldn’t even figure out how to blow out the candles. That was pathetic. We had to sit there for ten minutes trying to explain to her that she has to blow. She burped. That was it.
The rabbi now refuses to announce birthdays. He said, "We have too much to care about. I can't afford another gift." It's messed up. And you can't give used gifts when it's a party. So now, our congregation has an overflow of pink headbands with bows.
Going off on Av Harachamim, the Chazin was rubbing it in, mocking Melech Simcha. He knew Melech Simcha was sitting there, trying to hold the Torah with all of his Kavanah, trying to pretend like people aren’t laughing at him. Such a selfish showoff. The Chazin honestly has no Midot. Here, Melech Simcha is sitting there, looking like an idiot, and the Chazin is putting on a show. I’m just worried Melech Simcha will never be respected by his kids again.
In school, the kids were all talking about how strong their dads were. Melech Simcha’s kids always won, talking about their dad and his Hagba skills. That argument is over. Now Pinny’s kids are like, “My dad did Galilah. Made your dad do Hagba and sit there. Your dad works for my dad.” And Melech Simcha’s kids just sat there. Like their dad. He can’t come back to our shul after that.

Sitting next to Fran, she lets loose even without dried fruit. The dried fruit made it so bad. All of Shabbis, I had to hear it.
I went to sit on the other side of the shul, and people were asking why I moved. I told them, "Tu BShvat. Fran had Tu BShvat."
I hope Tu BShvat goes away by next week. Tu BShvat in our shul is a kind of stomach disease.

Punished with Hagba and no Torah holder. That was rude. They raise his hopes. He thinks he's important. And then everybody's looking at him still sitting there, like him like he's a loser. 
They have you sit there. Just holding the Torah for half hour. Whole time you’re thinking, “I hope it doesn’t drop.” They should just put it back right away. It's a punishment. They sit you in the corner and tell you it's a Mitzvah. They're all going out for schnapps, and you're stuck there holding the Torah with a hangover.

Rabbi started a Simon Says Shiur. The Rabbi Says Listen. He told them to follow in the Chumash. Not one person did it. He had to kick everybody out.

Announcements
All Minyins will be in shul. Even when it’s snowing outside. The rabbi says Zoom is not considered a location. And thus, we cannot have a Minyin there, even if Rebecca says so. To quote, "The cyber universe is not a place, even if there are cyber planets within. The Torah was not given to the cyber people. Thus, we will not be having Zoom Minyins. To note, we also don't count bots for a Minyin."
 
Due to Rebecca, the rabbi has Asured the Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah WhatsApp group. To quote, “Our congregants are idiots.” It is also forbidden to post on any community thread about Jewish stuff until you check with the rabbi that it is Jewish stuff. 
 
Everybody is still getting used to Harold’s mustache. We want to commend Harold on not giving up and keeping the thing. We have counted, and there have been upwards of twelve-hundred comments about how that thing looks like an animal on his face.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What Counts for a Minyin- How Missing Shul and Turning on Your Computer Was Not Commanded in The Torah. Why Nobody Should Listen to Rebecca- How Your Opinions Aren't Jewish. Harold’s Mustache- A Study in Awkward Hair Growth on His Face in Halacha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
My friend asked me if they sang in Israel this week. And of course they did. The final hostage is home, and a song of unity...
Yes. They asked Moshe if there weren’t enough graves in Egypt... We have graves here in Topeka. There are graves everywhere. I don't know if the Jews thought that the rest of the world had no graves.... Yes. They were being sarcastic. Anything in question that doesn't have a question mark is sarcasm. Do I enjoy being here... Do I enjoy answering that question. Bad grammar is sarcasm... 
My friend's question was a real one. And they sung Acheinu...

(Shemot 14:24) The Egyptians said, “Let us flee from the Israelites, for Gd is fighting for them against Mitzrayim.” Not a fair fight. I know... Why does it have to be fair? The question is what is right. It's not fair that I have to deal with your questions. Your dumb questions, and they're not even sarcastic. And your off tune singing. It's not fair...
If H' is stepping in, maybe you step down. You let don't let your ego get in the way. Even the Egyptians knew when to stop. You disband the board... And they didn't stop and they went in the sea and died. Like our membership, who has killed fun and connection to Gd...

(Shemot 15:1) “Then Moshe and the children of Israel sang.” “Then.” Were they not singing before?... No, they weren’t. Pessy. They were suffering enough. They didn’t have to hear congregants singing too. The worst voices in this place... I am thinking we should skip Kedusha... It’s not OK to skip Kedusha Rebecca. There she goes again. I am talking about having to hear you sing Kedusha. Our shul should just say stuff. No singing. Put the Torah back in the Aron and say Etz Chayim Hi...

(Shemot 15:21) Miriam tells the women, “Sing to God for He is most exalted; horse and rider He cast into the sea.” She didn’t look to the men of our shul to help out... Because that’s not redemption. That would be a curse. She wasn't trying to make things sound worse. She was trying to drowned out the men. If they sounded anything like the back left during Kedusha...
When we overcome. We sing. When it’s over. When we feel that pure connection to Gd. Not tainted by the enemy or bad harmony. We can sing. We are now free... We are free because I don't hear any of our members singing right now...
They sang. They didn’t ask questions about graves then. Moshe didn’t have to deal with questions for a day... And he sang too. He had freedom for a day. Yes. Moshe had an excellent voice when he sang. He wasn't a great talker. But his singing voice. Great range...
Miriam’s song was responsive. Because women sing better than men. They know how to listen before they harmonize, unlike the men at our Minyin...
Ran Gvili is back. Our nation can sing today...

You all want fairness and equality. Not one of you want moral. Like the Mitzrim. You follow your feelings. Blasphemous feelings about Zoom Minyins... Even your Minyins aren't from Gd. How can you do a Minyin and still be anti-Gd... Rebbeca. Exactly. That’s how you end up in the sea. Are there moral people here... That was sarcastic... The question is when will there be truth. When we're not clouded by darkness and we can see Gd, we can sing...

We can’t sing on Zoom. There is a lag. It doesn’t work. The harmony is worse than shul. I didn't think that was possible...
So now snow ended Yiddishkeit? Is that what I’m seeing on the group chat?!
Minyin has to be at shul... Why is Rebecca on the thread anyways?! It’s a Minyin thread and... You don’t count for Minyin either Rebecca. Even if you suggest it...
Rebecca. You also suggested to drive on Shabbis. And then you suggested that men and women sit together. Do you not know this is an Orthodox shul... I understand there are a lot of heretics here. But we follow Halacha. The congregants don’t. But the shul does. It's a Halachik shul of people who don't follow Halacha. And that is why we have the board making decisions... That was sarcastic, and it wasn't even a question...
To quote the rabbi emeritus, "Until Zoom costs three million dollars, and Sadie Feinberg dedicates it, it's not a place to Daven. When Zoom has a board, you can make the decision then..." 
You can see Gd when it's snowing...
​
No more groups. No more community groups. No more social media... We are going to learn Torah from Sefers. From books... Because when you do something online, the next thing you know, our sanctuary is in somebody’s living room. And we’re having Minyin while Shloimi’s wife is telling him to take out the trash. Because Rebecca suggested it... If we could get Shloimi to take out the garbage before Minyin, maybe we could think of having a Zoom service... Services are not Minyins. They're prayers for not religious people...
The lesson. Never listen to congregants.

The one thing people should listen to is congregants’ comments on Harold’s mustache...
I commend Harold. Kol Hakavod. I wouldn’t be able to grow one of those. I don’t think I could weather an eight-month storm of comments about my face. I'm going to keep the beard... Because nobody comments on beards. They just say, “I didn’t know you had that.” They don’t say, “Are you living in the ‘70s?” “You’re like Tom Sellek if women were not attracted to him.” “Did a gerbil die on your face."
I'm not shaving my beard. The double chin...
If Rebecca said “you shouldn’t come to shul looking like Harold” OK.

Rashi teaches Az Yashir, “Then, when he (Moshe) saw the miracle, it entered his mind that he should sing... And he sang.”
You have to see the miracle. I see a miracle when I have congregants that think Zoom is a place... It would be a miracle if Zoom was a shul... Because it's impossible, Rebecca. Like it's COVID... You won't catch COVID from Bernie. You'll catch an annoying conversation and bad jokes. If you come to shul, you'll catch a lot of really bad voices...
The crazy thing is they’ve been singing in Israel even when dealing with our enemies. "Am Yisrael Chai." That’s how strong our nation is now. We sing when being chased. Because we are in Israel. Once you’re in Israel, you are free... Stuff is very expensive. But you’re free. Why I had to answer that.
They sing all the time. We are living in the "then." We are past Zoom. And they complain about the price of cottage cheese...
You people should never sing. You’re not in Israel. There is antisemitism. And you have bad voices. And you can’t harmonize...

(Shemot 15:26) “If you listen to Gd’s voice...” Gd's voice is beautiful. The reason you people get sick is you’re a bunch of sinners. And you sing bad... And you complain...

Oh. After the song and the miracle, the Jews complained right away... Why. Because they couldn’t find a decent water filter. Is that not like our sisterhood...
I understand Miriam led the women in song… No, Rebecca. Women cannot lead services. We are an Orthodox shul. And Miram was Orthodox…

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi turned that singing lesson around real fast. I think he manipulated what we learn from the splitting of the Sea because he didn't want to hear us sing.
The rabbi complaining about us singing is tantamount to the Jews complaining about dying in the desert. That's the main lesson of this week's Drasha.

Our congregants connected to the Jews complaining at the bitter waters, right after the Egyptians drowned. They complained right after the sermon.

I'm getting the feeling the rabbi’s whole sermon was sarcastic.
Maybe not the whole sermon. The not singing was straightforward. How bad we sound wasn’t sarcastic, until he asked Merv if he would like to lead Adon Olam. Suggesting Merv sing anything and it not being painful is sarcasm.

"'Then.' Were they not singing before." That delivery. Perfect sermon delivery. Only our rabbi. So brilliant.
He asked that question without a question mark. But it was not sarcastic, which was confusing. All the congregants could talk about during Kiddish was which stuff was sarcastic. What was a real question or a sarcastic one. I don't think they heard anything else during the Drasha. Just questions without question marks. They couldn't figure any of it out.
And that is where it gets hard for our Rav. If you have a brilliant rabbi and fools for congregants, the sermon doesn't get heard.

Ran Gvili being home. Buried in Israel. It means everything to our people.

We never see the rabbi emeritus. Yet, the rabbi quotes him all the time. Whenever the rabbi wants to say something and doesn't want an argument from the board, he quotes this rabbi emeritus. I don't think he exists.

Rebecca is a fool. It’s complicated when you have to explain to the MInyin what a Minyin does.
I think the rabbi likes the members that don’t keep Halacha more than the members that are Shomer Shabbis. However, when the nonShomer Shabbis members show up to shul, he likes them less. I think the rabbi just doesn’t like seeing anybody at shul. If they don't show to shul, he loves them. If they're Shomer Shabbis and don't come to shul, he loves them.
Point is shul is the place where the Minyin meets. Not Zoom. And not Michael's game room. He thought it would be good to have Shacharit and billiards. Everything to these people is a program.

I am very for no more WhatsApp group lists. This way I don’t have to show up to anything, and nobody can blame me. I can just say, "Nobody reminded me.”
With all the group reminders, you have to show. If you have an excuse, you can get out of it. But I haven't figured out how to use my lack of wanting to see the people during the week too as an excuse yet. I've tried telling them I don't like seeing them on Shabbis.
The rabbi is right. Congregants should not be allowed to post ideas on social media without his approval. I listened to a congregant say that, because of that impossible to open renovated door, to get into shul we have to go through a different door. I ended up in the Mikvah. Not one of them said, "We should fix the door." That's a post that would've made sense.

The shul gave an award to Harold for not giving up. The Persistence Award in the Face of Looking Like an Idiot. He kept the mustache. Listened to nobody. And now he looks like an idiot.
The rabbi is definitely self-conscious about his double chin. You can see it through the beard.

After dealing with all the congregants and hearing them complain again, the rabbi had second thoughts on turning our shul not Orthodox and having services on Zoom. As the rabbi said, "You can't have a Minyin on Zoom. You can have services on Zoom, because not religious Jews have services."
I can see the rabbi giving into Rebecca if she pays extra money. The rabbi would lead a Zoom service if he got a raise. He would be fine leading a service. He would turn off the video, sit in bed with his long johns.
Watch this, next week he's going to start Zoom classes. Once he realizes he doesn't have to see the congregants in person, he's going to love it. He'll find a way to do everything on Zoom. He'll bring COVID back.

Announcements
Yeshiva Week trips are encouraged. If you missed your trip, please take other trips. The rabbi would like you to travel. He said, “Your travel and you not being at shul is a good thing. My congregants’ vacations are important for my relaxation.”
 
The Youth Shabbaton will take place this weekend. We ask that you not talk to the kids. We don’t want them to turn out to be bad Jews.
They will be staying at your homes. Please clean more than you do for Pesach. We ask you fold your linen, and not just spray it down with oven cleaner. Oven cleaner is not good on our children's skin.
 
We're hoping that with the snowstorm, members won’t show. The shul parking lot will be closed this Shabbat, as the rabbi is worried the nonShomer Shabbis people will still come. The rabbi said it’s your fault for sticking around and not leaving for Yeshiva Week.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Leave for Yeshiva Week- A Class on Chesed and Us Not Having to See You for a Week. How to Turn Youth off to Yidishkeit- With Our Members. Snowstorms in Topeka and How Jews Decided to Not Be Shomer Shabbis When It Reached Zero Fahrenheit- A History of the Heathens in Our Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 12:8) “They must eat the meat on that night. Roasted over fire, and matzah, with bitter herbs shall they eat it...” You have to eat it all. That night. No leftovers... They didn’t have refrigeration, Pinchas.... Of course, roasted. It tastes better. If you make it right. Not like Freida’s choolante, you will finish it.

(Shemot 12:2) “This month for you shall be the beginning of months. This month (Nissan) shall be for you the first of the months of the year.”
All the sudden it changes from Tishrei. Very similar to the board's decisions which change very often. The difference here is that a committee didn't make the decision. Hence, it's the right decision... You want another Yom Kippur?! You guys complain every High Holiday and now he wants another...
This is the new year of months. Where you count months from. We now count from Nissan. A new start as a nation. We have to celebrate this. Now it is the time for renewal... Chadash. Chodesh. New. Renewal. If you understood Hebrew, you could also give a Drasha. But you know very little, so I have to talk...

Rashi teaches the years are now from Tishrei with Rosh Hashana. But we count the months from Pesach... Well, that's how renewal works, Bernie.
How about renewing my contract. A raise...

Sforno teaches that the word Lachem "for you" is repeated twice in the verse to highlight a new relationship between Jews and time.  As slaves, our time belonged to our masters. But now, as free people, we're masters of our time, and the only Master is now Gd... And when our board is masters of time, I have to waste two hours at a meeting.
I repeat stuff because you don't listen. Moshe had a better congregation. They listened... If Pinny and Bernie were there, Moshe would've never had the chance to make his point, and they wouldn't have been able to leave in haste... Ethel and Max with their walkers would've slowed it all down too...
When you ask me annoying questions. When I have to eat your food. I don't feel like I'm a master. Nobody would serve their master a Kugel like Freida...
When there is snow, you're still masters. You just don't realize it. You're free to freeze yourself...
And that is what the Chodesh. The master of months represents. You making decisions that it's too cold to come to shul.
And this is the beginning of them... Nissan. Do you people listen?! Maybe be the master of you listening and learning something. Maybe be the master of renewing your watch to standard time. It's winter for...

Let us renew now. Start now... Because until now, you’ve all messed up. You’ve cooked your meat. Who cooks meat? People that don't do Yeshiva Week.
BBQs have to come back to our nation... Roast it. Maybe if you roasted your food and Kashered the meat as you cooked it, I would eat by you...
Freida. You have to add something else too. Maybe taste... Bitter herbs a good thing to renew... The Hadassah Cookbook is not helping you. You should be looking to the Parsha for cooking advice...
You don’t cook with marmite on Rosh Chodesh. It’s a Busha. On Rosh Chodesh, we celebrate the renewal of decent cooking...

Why did so few of you leave for Yeshiva week? You all go down to Florida anyways. Why not this week?... What is Yeshiva Week. Well, I guess that's a good place to start. It's a week to get the children to love Yeshiva again...
The kids love Yeshiva Week. Because there is no Yeshiva.
Renewal. Renewal is not having to see you. Renewal is not having to see the kids of our congregation. Renewal is something good. It's a form of Chesed...
Chesed is us not having to see you. It allows for a new beginning. A hope that you might come back from Florida less annoying. A hope that I might not have to explain everything to you people. Like how to cook like a Jew... Second cut of brisket!!!

You guys are a congregation of no hope. But we have youth. We have hope. There is a chance. A future of not you. In a way, renewal. Like a new month of no Bernie... Until they reach fifteen, we have a chance with them... Fifteen-year-olds are annoying...
It’s a Youth Group Shabbaton. You’re not allowed to go. Not Ethel. Not Bernie. Not Pinchas. Not Fran... Do you think there are any Ethels and Frans in kindergarten?!
After fifteen renewal is done... There is not hope. We see it with our kids...
And they're slaves to Minecraft. The Craft makes their decisions. They don't anymore...
It's called a Youth Group so they don't have to interact with the older people of our congregation, who are heretics... You're going to educate them? You don't even know when Nissan is. You thought is was Nassau...

I will give credit to those who renewed their commitment to Yidishkeit by coming to shul. Kol Hakavod for coming out when the weather is not freezing...
Of course I wanted people to come. I told the board I don't like when people come. But I do want it. I want you guys to be here for shul... Well, how else are we going to have a Minyin?!...
So, you all drove. Great. A bunch of heretics. Kids. This is what nonShomer Shabbat people look like. They're fine getting to shul in their car in the cold. And they're happy. And their clothes are clean...
It's cold. Who cares. Have people gotten that much weaker. Slaves to your lack of hitting the gym... I respect these kids who came and didn't listen to their parents. They walked to shul. And now there's a cough going around the shul...

The point is, you should still go away for Yeshiva Week. To not be here... Here are places that are not here. You can go to St. Louis. Israel. Venezuela. Iran...
The mall doesn't count. Only if the mall is in a different city. Very good question. The idea is to not be here. For you to not be here... You can drive to Venezuela. But during the week. Not on Shabbis. Like Edith... I'm assuming the eighty-seven-year-old did not walk in two-feet of snow...

(Shemot 12:14) "This day (the fifteenth of Nissan) will become a day of remembrance for you...” You remember stuff like this. Leavening Egypt. You remember that. Bernice. You're still talking about your grandson's graduation...
A day of remembrance. I remember when Michael ran in front of the BIma and tripped. I remember Ruchel’s dumb idea. Many of them. I remember Mark and his renovation of the door that still doesn’t work... It doesn't work. If you need two hands on the handle and a foot braced against the wall to open the door...
I remember Yeshiva Week. A blessing.
The youth. The hope. We remember them. We remember the 1980s, when we had hope for kids with mullets. '80s mullets. When mullets were innocent... Mullets are better than Sarah biting. The girl is crazy...

You celebrate certain things. You remember them. I celebrated when the Pintzkovitz family left for Yeshiva Week. I celebrated... How? I relaxed for a week without having to deal with them...
The point is. You renew by remembering... LChadesh means to make it as it was. Better than our shul. Before people on boards made decisions.
Remembering gives me hope. A time before I started working here.
We have to remember good stuff. Remember a good chuck roast... This isn't a eulogy for chuck roast. It's hope...

And how do we remember?! Remember it by guarding it. (Shemot 12:17) "... and you shall guard this day as an everlasting statute." Remember the roast. Guard it. Guard it like your grandmother did. For the guests...
Remember leaving Mitzrayim... Why??? “For on this very day I will have brought your hosts out of Egypt.” Again. I have to remind you of everything. Do you not realize we left Mitzrayim? Every week. Every day. I have to remind you... That's why the Siddur brings it up all the time, every day. Because you guys can't remember a thing...
Remember how things you used to be cooked. LChadesh like your grandmother did it.
It's a Chok. A statute. Because you guys can't remember anything decent. You don't even remember my brilliance last week. The most amazing sermon... 

We guard these things. These beginnings... Because you guys never finish anything.
Something to celebrate. At least you start stuff.

Let us remember freedom. Celebrate freedom. Guard freedom. And please. Go on vacation for freedom...

What's the difference between years and months? Years are longer... I can't remember. 
And it's great to have the youth here.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the years and months thing wasn't what the rabbi was giving the sermon about, in the end. I think half way through it turned into something about our congregation having dementia.

Mark thinks that door that can't move is better for security. If nobody can get in, I guess that's a secure thing.
You have to pull with two hands. Push against the wall with your foot. And then you have to ask somebody to help. That's how you get into the shul. Oh. And then there's a code.

With the whole renewal message, the rabbi also suggested to renew the board. He decided this is a good time for new people. A new start, with people in our shul that are not the congregants. To renew his contract with different people.

The rabbi suggested Freida stop cooking and start roasting more.
The rabbi actually gave private Parsha cooking classes. He suggested people use more herbs and spits. Full animals on spits and thyme. A lot of thyme and Kugel. Based on the lesson, from what I understand, Moshe Rabbeinu liked Yapchik.

When somebody says, "I'll eat over for a BBQ," you know what they're saying. They don't trust your Kashrut. And that's even if you keep Kosher.

Yeshiva Week is the rabbi’s favorite week. It’s a week where no kids are in Yeshiva or shul. Except if you have a youth Shabbaton weekend.
The fact they had the youth Shabbat messed up the Yeshiva Week idea for the rabbi. It's like we turned into the vacation spot. People were thinking, "Where is the place nobody goes to?! The least desirous destination."
And now the rabbi is hoping people will leave. Take a Second Yeshiva Week. I think he proposed a two-week Yeshiva week. Like a Yom Tov Sheini Shel Galuyot kind of thing, where one day turns into two. Here, one week turns into another week of not having to see congregants.

The rabbi went off on places for people to visit for Yeshiva Week. The idea was anywhere that is not Topeka.
The rabbi gave Bernie a list of places he can move to. He called it "places for a long vacation." The rabbi hopes that sold Bernie on the idea of not having to see him.

They cry about the weather. If they have to wear a jacket, it's a crisis. Can't go to shul, might feel a draft.
You know the ones that showed aren't Shomer Shabbis. They put on their coats for the half block they have to walk. Edith walked into shul with a windbreaker in subzero weather. I think everybody assumed she didn't make the two and a half mile walk in two feet of snow. Though, she is in good shape for eighty-seven. And she can make it far with her walker.

The youth being around our congregation is not a good idea. I don't think it's helping anybody's future. Seeing our elders is what I would call a "bad example." These kids see the older people in our shul and start saying, "If that's what shul does to you, I don't think it's a good idea to be here." "Maybe Gd doesn't answer all prayers." "If getting a decent Kichel at Kiddish is my goal, I think I've given up."
Here's what happened at the Shabbaton. The youth came. They showed up to shul. The boys looked at the girls. The boys thought the girls were cute. The boys talked to boys. They left.

But the kids are still good kids. That is why these people keep giving birth. They hope a normal one will pop out. One that can see Gd. One that cares. One that will make the Jewish people happey. They’re thinking the Meshiach is coming from this congregation.

Announcements
We ask our congregants to calm down with their Shtenders. We cannot have everybody bringing their own Shtenders. The uniformed look of our shul has brought down the value of our sanctuary. We don’t feel it has helped with the renovation process.
 
Stuff is happening this week. There is weekday Davening. Then there will be Shabbis. And Shalishudis. There will be Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Probably weddings. And Classes Happen. You should show up.
 
The rabbi is now allowing people to post Simcha pictures, as annoying as your family looks. Rule: All pictures must have club style pull up signs.
The rabbi does want everybody to know that your social media pictures are still annoying.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How a Shul Can Waste Millions on Renovations and Still Have Every Congregant Show They Disagree with What They Agreed On- A Shtender Protest and A Halachik Look into Community Decisions. Our Shul’s Announcements and How to Make Announcements Like Our Board Who Gives No Details- Vagueness and Why Nobody Shows Up When They Don't Know What Is Happening. Follow-up Class- Dealing with Idiots. How Congregants Can Be More Annoying When You See Their Pictures on Instagram.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When your snake staff gets eaten by somebody else’s snake staff, you listen. That's a life truth. A credo...
Paroh was stubborn like the people of our shul who think it’s important to post their family vacation pics. Being happier than everybody else’s families... Nobody cares about the Simchovitz family Florida trip...
(Shemot 7:22) Paroh sees that his necromancers do their thing and also turn water to blood, like Aharon just did. “And Paroh’s heart is made strong and he does not listen to them...” "Them" is Moshe and Ahron. It was not Yanky and Rachel. If Paroh had to listen to our board, Paroh would’ve let our congregants leave. He would’ve thanked H’ for getting rid of our members.

When we think we can do stuff, we choose not to see H’. Yes. Many of us can ruin water. I have been to many of our congregants for Shabbat dinner. You can ruin that too... Very bad Kugels.

See Gd. That's the message. See Gd and you won't mess up everything in our shul... Nobody wants to see the Simchovitz family vacation in swimsuits. Even necromancers couldn’t create something that horrific. If there was blood in the water at the Bahamas. If we were just so lucky that you couldn’t go into the water on your vacation...
That’s what he saw. You see what you want to see. This is why Sadie loves this shul. She can’t see the bad. That’s her shortcoming... How his sorcerers change the water to blood when the water was already changed to blood, I don’t know. That’s what he saw. That’s what he chose to see.
I choose to not see the Simchovitz family vacation picture. And that helps me see Gd better.

We have to choose to see that we can't do sometimes. That H' is doing... Because when you think you can do stuff, we end up with members. Committees. Bernie and Fran.
See stuff for what it is. See H’ in what is. And see how our congregants mess it up.

Let’s see the Shtenders. This is the most ununiform congregation. Like Ramot Polin. The ugliest thing I've ever seen... Because I see the Shtenders.
Chairs are in their spots, like the renovations called for. But now we have Shtenders everywhere. Different Shtenders. They would’ve never done this in the Temple... Shtenders are great for a Beit Midrash. We’re talking about a shul where people can’t read Rashi.
Now with your Shtenders, shul capacity is down from 200 to 80 people... In the Third Beit Hamikdash they will not allow Shtenders... The Kotel is different. You can have Shtenders at an open shul... If you would've had stackable plastic chairs in the sanctuary plans, like the Kotel, Shtenders would make sense... Keter chairs do not cost five hundred dollars apiece.
The construction team didn't take into account Yankel's Shtender with the wood and the metal piece. They didn't take into account all of your Bar Mitzvah gifts, Yankel... Why didn't you bring it up at the meeting. "We need a bunch of chairs that cost five hundred dollars each, and Shtenders that come with the chairs for an extra two hundred dollars. And then I'm going to bring my own Shtender..."
Shmuli Pinchas didn't bring up his six-foot tall Shtender either... You're the only person who looks up at his Shtender... Nobody can see the Aron over your Shtender. Because of your Shtender, you can't see Gd in this shul...

Show up to what? There are no specifics and no times. We saw nothing in the announcements other than "stuff is happening."
We want to thank our office for being very not specific with the announcements... I don’t know when Minyin is either. The board is fine with just putting it out there that there’s Minyin... The announcements say "Minyin. They will happen at some point. Probably at another shul."
We all see it. We don't need a committee meeting. We need normal announcements that tell you things. Announcements need to tell you where stuff is... When is also important. Very good Chaim...

H' doesn't want to see your family pictures. It's like a plague of not happy families... There is no way that teenage girl of yours was happy. She smiled because... That was not a smile. There is no way she was smiling. It was a smile but not a smile...
Your family celebrating brings no Simcha to anybody. You look like a bunch of losers. But if you want to post your sideways standing pictures, we will allow it... Your family is heavy. The forty-five-degree angle didn’t help. Nor did the buttoning of the suit jackets. They were portly jackets. Your jackets were fat...
Retractable banners make it clear that it’s a Simcha. When we see “Chani and Moishie’s Birthday Bash” we know it’s Asur. Birthdays are not Simchas. Nobody cares about Chani getting older... We have to see things that are godly. Weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, Bar Mitzvahs, Brises, kids leaving for college... We as a community celebrate that.
I’m allowing it only if its Simchas. But your pictures on social media are annoying...

You choose to see or not to see. I choose to not see the back left of the shul. Can't stand them...

(Shemot 7:22) Paroh didn’t listen to Moshe and Aharon “as H’ had spoken.” When you don't see H's work, you don't listen to His word. Everybody in the back left, listen to me... H’ knows the ways of the evil. The "it's my Shtender generation."
Might have Shtenders. That's a good creation. But it's not H's way. H's way is sharing. Do you share your Shtender, or is it yours. Is it all about your power?!

And Paroh’s heart is made strong. A strong heart is good when you’re a congregant who doesn’t do stupid stuff. A strong heart is good when you need to run a marathon. A strong heart is good for pumping blood...
Paroh had a stubborn heart. That was his strong heart. It was hardened. Evil. Like the heart of the Shtender mob... That is evil. Like the board.
The hardened heart causes one to not to listen to the sermon. To the words of your rabbi... Don’t let your Bar Mitzvah harden your heart. Even if the pictures are messed up. Find that smile. That godly smile.
See H' and show up to Minyin. Whenever that is. No one would know because the board doesn't have the heart to allow us to see the times...

If your hearts weren't hardened by the board, you would have not wasted money on chairs. You would've went with Keter plastic chairs. And nobody would've posted the Simchovitz family pictures online. Forcing us to see that...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi and Simchovitz family got in a debate about what is actually smiling. The rabbi contends that if you smile because your parents make you, it's not a smile. "You have to smile from within." The Simchovitzs contend that you can't see a smile from within, "as the mouth is on the face, on the outside." I contend, I don't need to see the Simchovitzs smiling in their bathing suits.
The whole Kiddish, the members were discussing the philosophy of smiling. And not one of them smiled. It turns out that our congregants only smile for pictures. It's a quick reflex. They hear "cheese," they smile by accident, realize they smiled, and then stop.
I feel like families smiling and posting it is a way to rub their vacations in your face. Their Yeshiva week trips. It's also a chance for annoying people, that think the Simchovitzs have money, to tell them they all look "so good." I don't see it. H' doesn't see it. H' sees the smile within, and how annoying teenagers are, and how the Simchovitzs have to join a gym.

The rabbi truly defined the people with the "it's my Shtender generation." Perfectly defines our children. Especially when they get back from Israel. Selfish.

Shmuli Pinchas' Shtender is taller than the Bima. It's messed up. He's got this Shtender ego. Carries it around with that Shtender pride. Parading the gold writing on brown and navy-blue book covers.
The Shtenders look awful. Everybody brings in their own style of Shtender.
We got standing ones. We got the ones that open up from flat to a simple angle. We have the robotic Shtenders with five positions, so people never have to bend.
So, they spent two million on the shul renovations, and everybody decided to bring in their own lawn chairs. That’s what it looks like.

Announcements never announce Shabbat times. This is why nobody shows up for Minyin when it starts. They never tell us when Rosh Chodesh is. Which isn't the worst thing. You save on Hallel and Musaf. That cuts twenty minutes off Davening. They never announce holiday times. Or even weekday Zmanim.
The announcements focus on Sadie’s new hat she bought last week.
We don’t even know who’s getting married. Or if there is a Bar Mitzvah. I forgot to wish the Kallah a Mazel Tov last week. Had no idea she got married. I thank them for not announcing it. I saved on that gift. The problem with pregnancies is it's hard to avoid not knowing.
The real problem is, our idiot members don't get Jewish calendars. The funeral home doesn't feel our membership is wealthy enough to waste their time on, by giving us calendars to mark our planned deaths in. I think that's why they give the calendars, so you can think about what day you want to die.
I hate to say it, we need a calendar committee.

The rabbi said no pictures last week. But now he allowed Simcha pictures back into the community.
Social media pictures are still annoying. So, you can only gloat and put your Simcha pictures on Instagram or Facebook. You can put them on LinkedIn as well, but you'll probably lose your job for looking like a fool.  
The rabbi came up with Simcha stipulations for pictures. And this is what the picture committee came up with. Basic rule is that if the whole family is turned sideways, it’s a legitimate Simcha picture and can be taken.
Everybody in our shul has been standing sideways now. Some even walk sideways, just in case somebody gets a good inaction shot. It’s a loophole for Mutar social media posting.
Now, some are carrying pull up retractable banners. They have pull ups with Caribbean background scenes now. Wherever they go, they have a Caribbean background. They took a picture in the mall, in front of the Apple store, with the Caribbean in the background. They were at the waterpark. Pulled out the banner. Edwin's first baseball game, they pulled out the Caribbean pull up. 
The sideways standing truly doesn't work. They all look heavier with that side shot of the heavy. And then the suits make it look worse. Portly just makes everybody look fatter. I left that out. The other stipulation is you need to be wearing a suit or an evening gown. That suit made Edwin's first baseball game, at six years old, a bit awkward.

They are now known as the Simchovitz pictures. An episode our congregation does not want to remember. The rabbi is right. Those vacation pictures are evil. They're a plague. A plague of horror to those who see it.

People didn't show to the classes this week. The topics were way too long. The congregants didn't know if those were the names of the class or if the rabbi was making a statement of anger. They also didn't know when the classes were. The announcements didn't say.

I sat with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. It was a very meaningful and potent interview.

Chabad is a huge movement.
Nu.

So. What do you think about your Chasidim?
They went off the deep end.

What do you mean?
This Shluchim thing.
I sent one of them to Omaha. The guy never came back. Now, he's been in Nebraska for a good thirty-five years. He calls himself a Shaliach. Yes. I sent him. I wanted some good Nebraska steak brought back. He never came back. That's how that all started.

What's your favorite song?
I never liked “We Want Mashiach Now.” I always liked that one, “Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach.” It was easier to remember those lyrics.

I like that one too. And then it goes “Oy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy-yoy”
I forgot that part.

Where do you want to see the next Shluchim?
Somaliland. I always felt bad about Yemen. We still don’t have a Chabad there.

What do you think about Farbregens?
They've gone too far. I was telling my Chassidim we have to spend more time together. They all started drinking.
Now. Every time they get together, they drink. I don't think they remember a word I tell them. They're always Fabregening.

How did it start?
I told them I like Smirnoff. Truth is I like Smirnoff Ice. They heard Smirnoff. Now half of them are addicted to the stuff.

Why is it called a Farbregen?
Farbregen was a vodka two hundred years ago in Moldova. Good stuff.

Is there a Mitzvah to drink alcohol?
No. But I can't tell my Chassidim that.

Why?
I'll lose them. None of them would come to shul.
They'll start going to the clubs. If they can't get their alcohol at shul, they'll end up at the bars.

Why do you wear the hat that way, with the front of it bent all the way down?
It keeps out the sun better.
If you notice it also keeps the bugs from hitting your face.

I see. Was the Tefillin thing your idea?
No. That was Gd's idea.

Who sent out the Shluchim to put Tefillin on everybody?
Not me. I told them Tefillin are good. Next thing you know, they're putting it on people at work. The guy is working the counter at Marshalls and they're putting Tefillin on him. Customers are waiting. Do you know how many people have gotten fired for telling their bosses "the Shaliach said I have to put on Tefillin now"?!
I tried walking to the Kotel. I was attacked by one of my Chassidim. I had to convince him I was Jewish and put on Tefillin. They've got to stop harassing everybody.

They play you on TVs a lot.
Yes. I always wanted to be a star.
That was the one thing I said. "Make sure I get prime time. I want a good spot."

It's always Yiddish.
I know. I always talked in Yiddish. I figured, people like subtitles. 

Where do you rank yourself among the rabbis?
You have to ask my Chavrusa.

Why the dollar bills?
For Tzedakah. I give people money for Tzedakah. So that they can give it to charity.

Then why do all of my friends have the dollar you gave them?
They needed the money.
The dollars also work well in vending machines.

Oh. Very true. How do you see the next few years?
I hope with better deals on Lulavs and Etrogs. They prices are outrageous. When Mashiach comes you'll be able to get Etrogs on sale.

What do you hope for your Chassidim?
To calm down. They're coming up with stuff I never said. If they just understood Yiddish, they would know what I said.

You didn't say you're Mashiach? What did you say?
I'm a Mensch. Menschlich. Be Menschlich. You know, you mumble a bit when you speak Yiddish. That's how you're supposed to speak it. Maybe it came out as Mashiach. I'm not sure. All I know is I meant "Menschlich." You say that fast, it sounds like "Mashiach."

Menshlich. I see what you're saying.
Next thing I know, they're singing "Mashiach. Mashiach. Mashiach." I love that song. I'm getting into it. And the rest is history.

What are your thoughts on Mashiach?
If my Chassidim would just calm down, he would be here.
They're scaring him away with the Teffilin. They've got to stop attacking people with the Tefillin. They have to be a bit more subtle.
I love that Mashiach song.

What about "Yechi"?
Not as good of a tune. That's how you know I'm not the Messiah.

Do you think you did good?
Yeah. I would say so. My Chassidim make excellent choolante and potato kugel. I get a lot of Nachis from that.

What do you like being called? The Rebbe. Chabad Rebbe. Lubavitcher Rebbe. Rebbe of Lubavitch?
Rebbe of Lubavitch. Or Rebbe from Mykolaiv. Those were the best five years of my life. Not one Chassid bothered me with questions.

Conclusion
That was the Rebbe. I think. It was either the Chabad Rebbe or somebody impersonating him. He was wearing the hat just like the Rebbe.
The interview was in Yiddish. I hope I understood what the Rebbe was saying. He might have said something about all the Shluchim moving to Israel. It was in Yiddish, so I can't say.
Whatever happened, the Rebbe was a Mensch. He was very sweet. Though, he could’ve used a Tic Tac.
I truly have a different view on Chabad now. I'm going to keep the dollar. I had to make the trip to Brooklyn. I need the money. And I'm a collector.

***The interview was done with the help of Shlomo Birkan, who understands Yiddish.

Announcements
We celebrate with our Venezuelan congregants. We pray that you can leave and go back to Venezuela. You haven’t paid dues since you’ve been here. 

Golf on Sunday of your son’s Bris. That is wrong. Even if it’s nice out. 
The rabbi has put out a Psak: The first eight days after your child is born, you have to help your wife. Other than that, it is probably best you're not in the house.

We ask our Balei Tefilah to Daven faster. Some people have to get to work. It has been reported that the congregants don’t appreciate singing on a Tuesday.

Please focus on Davening and not wishing every single person a Yashkoyach. We support greeting people. We don’t feel everybody needs affirmation for being great at walking up for an Aliyah.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How Our Shul Did Nothing for the Venezuelan People in Halacha. How to Raise Children with Abandonment Issues and Very Bad Golfers. Davening Class Will Take Place on Tuesday. How to Talk in Shul and Wish Every Single Person a Congratulations with A Conversation That Bothers People Who Are Trying to Pray- Class Given by the Back Left of The Men's Section.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 3:3) Moshe says, "Let me turn now and see this great spectacle why the bush doesn’t burn?" 
It was a burning bush. First time you see the burning bush, it's a surprise. You've got to see the spectacle.... A burning bush that doesn't burn is spectacle. It's a burning bush but not burning... You have never seen a burning bush not burn. Stop Bernie... You turn if the burning bush is burning too. You put out the fire. Point is, you turn when you see a bush burning...
Moshe turned to it. He recognized it. He gave it time.

Later on, Moshe is used to it. He sees all the miracles. But now, he’s not letting it pass... He’s used to seeing seas split. Staff snakes. A Frog in toast is a regular occurrence...
(Shemot 3:5) That place of the miracle is holy. Don't let it pass. Turn to it. There is a reason for the spectacles in this world...
The miracle places in our life is holy. Celebrate them. When I got away from this shul last Shabbat, I celebrated that place. It was a miracle to not be with you...

Gd saw that Moshe looked, and that is when He called to him. If you don’t look. If you don't take note, there will be no holiness. If you don’t see how messed up this shul is, we won’t progress. We will not witness redemption. We will always have committees...
What great things have happened?! Nothing. Nothing at any board meeting at this shul. Nothing with the shul renovations. Nothing with our sisterhood. But we still note it all. We take minutes...

We've seen some crazy stuff in this shul. But have we given it time?... Not miracles. Spectacles. Talya pulling Allison’s hair. The wrapper on the floor. Still there. Going on three weeks. The renovation committee and the new elephant mural. Life-size?!
It's because we don't turn that there is no holiness here.
Let’s turn and give time. Let the crazy not be regular... Miracles should remain holy to us. Like when the board doesn’t mess up...

We don’t have one Venezuelan congregant. They're Argentinian. It's a miracle that our office staff doesn't understand that there is more than one country in the Southern Hemisphere. If they would turn to a map...  
I hope I don’t offend anybody by supporting the overtaking of the regime.
We support all of our congregants moving to Venezuela. None of you pay your dues... It's amazing how the Argentinians lasted so long without supporting the congregation. Almost as long as our locals, who grew up here, who haven't paid dues for around forty-five years....
We will never witness the miracle of the shul raising money, if people don't turn to dues.

It's about turning and facing what is important. What Gd puts there... H' put a family in front of you, Eric. Maybe focus on the family and not golf... What are you going to do with golf? Feel good. Who needs that?!...
I understand the weather was nice. You could've seen the nice weather with your baby... H’ didn’t tell Moshe, “You saw the bush burning. That's cool. Want to go for eighteen?”
Did you see your son’s Bris?! Did you turn to it?!... I understand. The proper thing was to turn away...

Davening is going crazy long. That is just a curse. A curse and a miracle that people still end up coming to shul.
Who sings on a Tuesday... Shabbat is different. You're allowed to have sermons too. Do I give sermons on Tuesdays?! No!!!
People work. And some play golf. And none pay dues... I can't turn to congregants during the week. I do not want to see them. I see them on Shabbis...

Part of the problem is the Yashkoyachs. The most Yashkoyach oriented shul. I've never seen people so focused on Yashkoyachs.
The guy did nothing. He walked up to the Bima and walked down. And you're congratulating him. It’s like a miracle he didn’t mess up the Aliyah... He didn't read the Torah. He just said the Bracha... No. He shouldn't be taking credit. He should be coming down from the Bima and apologizing for not putting in any effort. For not going over the Parsha...
Greet people. How about welcoming people. You're a depressed bunch. You don’t say Hi to people. I turn to you and I get depressed. That's why I now have my seat facing the ark... But when they come down from walking up to the Bima, it’s like a bro party.
You need that communal affirmation. You are the most fragile congregants. Got Mark asking everybody, “Did I pull the string right?!” No, Mark. You didn't. Not the first time. It took you three pulls and there are only two directions. And you still got a Yashkoyach...
You turn and you recognize how little these congregants do. And then you give Yashkoyachs on Tuesday...

You're a Gabai. You call up people. And then you get a Yashkoyach announcement. The Bal Koreh didn’t even get a Yashkoyach. He reads the Torah and doesn't even get a Yashkoyach. Let alone an announcement Yashkoyach. And this guy gets Mark and Pinchas' names right and he's a champ. It’s pathetic...
The Gabai even made mistakes with his Hebrew.
The Bal Koreh prepared. You just got up there... I understand, Yashkoyachs... Why did you stroke his ego for reading Hebrew with mistakes.
I turn and I see pathetic.
And great job playing golf. Well. Yashkoyach.

Note it. Wish people a Yashkoyach. Just don’t make it a whole spectacle... It’s an Aliyah. It’s not a burning bush. Calm the Gehenim down...

You turn. You bring yourself close to the miracle. You get the calling to mess up the shul...
It can only be done with humility.
(Shemot 3:19) When Gd tells Moshe to be the one to take the Jews of out Mitzrayim, Moshe says, “Who am I that I should go to Paroh, and that I should take my nation, Bnei Yisrael, out of Mitzrayim...” You’re just trying to get out of helping.
Shlomo. You have not helped in years. You didn't even volunteer for shul security... You're in bad enough shape to do it...

You first recognize the place is holy. And then, you don’t do anything... Otherwise you mess up the shul. Did Gd tell you to Daven real slow? To keep people from going to work??? Did He tell you to wish everybody a Yashkoyach.? Did Gd tell the board to make any decision?... No. Gd told the board to listen to the rabbi... Don’t take off your shoes. In shul, we don’t take off our shoes. That’s why we have a Torah SheBal Peh.
I think Gd said something about getting rid of Maduro... Well, the Venezuelans did. Maybe Venezuela is holy to Venezuelans... That’s a different burning bush.

Give the recognition to holiness. But don't belittle that holy place. Don't wish everybody a Yashkoyach. You belittle the Anim Zemirot kid who reads the Tana Dvei Eliyahu stuff in full.
Redemption is born in our recognition of Gd. The miracles... That, and you all crying all the time. And you being humble enough to recognize you are not helpful...

You have to see your calling, recognize it, and do it with humility. And circumcise your child. And Eric. You're not good at golf...

Rivka's Rundown
That took a while to educate our congregation on the importance of turning when you see a fire, and not ignoring it. 
During the week, the rabbi thought it was important to bring in a firefighter to go over fire safety. To quote, "Maybe our very out of shape volunteers will be better at putting out a fire than working security."

After Davening and complaining about the length of services, the rabbi made it clear, “It’s a miracle we got out of shul today.”
Yitzchak noted, “The rabbi’s sermon was so long.”

I don’t think our congregants see anything. There’s been a lollipop wrapper in the middle of the hallway for three weeks. They’ve all passed it. Not one of them has turned to it and picked it up.
The rabbi’s message is that you can’t do anything unless you turn. But our congregants are too out of shape to turn. That’s why they can’t do security either.

Bernie wouldn’t stop talking about his burning bush. He was convinced he saw a burning bush not burn. It turns out that he has no idea how to get a fire started. Last shul camping trip, he said he got the bonfire started. When we got there, we saw nothing. He said it was a miracle, and that it was a burning bush and it wasn't burning. Now, he thinks he's holy, because he has no survival abilities.
​
Our board and office consider everybody who is not born in Topeka to be South American. That’s it. South American. And if you're South American that means you're from Venezuela, El Salvador, Argentina, Chile, and Mexico. And they think that it's called Chile because, as they said, "The peppers are from South America." And that's our congregational understanding of the map, and dictators.

I think people start paying dues at sixty. Before that, Tzedakah doesn't exist.

The golf focus is a little much. And then they gave him a Yashkoyach for playing golf. Even at the Bris they're wishing Yashkoyachs. Not Mazel Tovs.
I've got Yashkoyach fatigue.
You have to help your wife sometimes. That is the rabbi's Psak. Rabbinic declaration. He declared this is the Halacha. The men have to help when there is a huge lifechanging family event, like having a child. They don't have to help more than once a year. He didn't even declare they had to help with holidays. He just figured that if the wife is recovering from bringing a child into the world, the husband should not leave the house for four hours to hang with his buddies.

This guy is meditating on a Tuesday?! Took just as long as Monday Davening. No Layning, and we're still there for upwards of forty minutes, on a Tuesday. Who meditates on a Tuesday?! It’s not even hump day, and he’s sleeping on the job.

I like the Yashkoyachs. It’s very communal. I wanted to make that clear. I just feel there is proper use. We shouldn't abuse Yashkoyachs.
And some do mess up pulling the string. Some try to open the curtains without the string. They pull the curtain straight. That's how you know they’ve never been to shul. And they still get a Yashkoyach.
He messed up pulling the string, and people got up, wished a Yashkoyach, and cheered. It was a like a support group for people with shul disabilities. Shul-capable people.

Our shul is full of Shul-capable people. Youth group-capable, sisterhood-capable, Gabai-capable, Bal Tefilah-capable. It's a special Davening.
It was pathetic last week when the guy got congratulated for doing a great job at calling up people to the Torah.
That was kind of weird. The Bal Koreh who prepared for twenty hours gets nothing. This guy that showed up to shul late and calls up a guy to the Torah, the president starts giving Mazel Tovs to. And then, the president, not knowing if he said the right thing, wished him Yashkoyachs.
Fact is they've belittled Yashkoyachs. I walked in on Tuesday morning. Not one "good morning." Just Yashkoyachs. Now Yashkoyach means have a good day too.

Davening class on Tuesday brought some protests from the normal people who said, "It's Tuesday. Who does a class on Tuesday."

Announcements
We ask all guests to follow our shul Kaddish speed, tone and volume. Your Aveilut scares our members. They’re not used to Chicago mourners, and their loud bully Kaddish.
You are passing through for a day. You are not running our shul. We are with you in your mourning. Please be with our mourners in their Kaddish. Please join in our congregation's sadness correctly.
 
The rabbi will not be here this Shabbis. Shul will end earlier. Do not get too excited. Last time members got drunk in celebration.
Please relax in your happiness. We ask that you celebrate by leaving shul earlier.
To note: We still have Kiddish. And it will be earlier. A lot earlier. Davening goes at a normal speed, an hour and fifteen minutes faster, without our rabbi.
 
The shul New Year’s party will take place on Rosh Hashana. The program committee decided that hanging out with shul members is a New Year’s buzz killer.
 
Last week, Zalmy did the full pre-Anim Zemirot Tefillahs. The first kid to ever read the silent stuff himself. The congregation is proud of you. Please never do that again. We want to get out of shul.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Techniques in Taking Over a Minyin with Your Kaddish- Lessons from Our Guest Last Week. Importance of Long Minyins to Keep Congregants Out. The Blessing of a New Year Not Celebrated with Congregants- A New Year's Party Without Our Members. How To Give Your Kid More TV Time So They Don't Read All the Tefillahs and Slow Down Davening.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
I understand the Gabai is reading the sermon this week. I'm not here... Slow him down. If he reads the sermon like he Davens, nobody will understand a word...

You think I know what Yaakov said to them? I don’t understand that. Those words didn’t make it into modern Hebrew. “Sreikah”? No idea. I don’t even understand the English.
(Bereishit 49:9) “He binds his foal to a vine, and to a tendril his young donkey. His garment with wine, and with the blood of grapes binds his raiment.” Somehow, that has to do with Yehuda. What’s he doing to his garments with wine? Staining them?!... If “raiment” means clothes, then say it!!! How am I expected to give a sermon about something I can’t understand?!

There is stuff we don’t know. But it doesn’t stop us from learning... It stops Moshe and Michael Yaakov, and Shloimi from learning, because they like to waste time. But it doesn’t stop good Jews from learning. And it never stopped our board from doing something dumb...
I don’t know if the sons understood what Yaakov said to them at the end. I do know they were questioning if their father was blessing them or cursing them. Were they Brachas or Klalahs? Very confusing... You can't not be there when your father calls you and he is about to pass away and curse you. Might be blessings. He might have blessed them...

You all make it hard. You just have to know that Yaakov was not proud of Shimon and Levi. They saved the family, stuck up for their sister, and they got blamed for it their whole life by their father. And I have to pretend like I'm proud of the shul's geriatric crime fighting security force... The only thing you have kept out are members... Yaakov was happier with Yehuda, who sold Yosef...
Some is a Bracha in life. Some is not. But you don’t let not understanding what is going to be keep you from doing the right thing.

Don't overtake a Kaddish. If you don’t know how the shul does Kaddish, you hold back.
You all noticed how the guy took over last week. Random guy passing through, all the sudden, "Where the Gehenim did he come from?"... I'm not saying his family member went to Gehenim.
The guy took over. Not a member. Loud as anything. A Kaddish tune I never heard in my life. I think the tune was "loud." It was either "loud" or "I'm the only one whose mourning counts in the US"... First time. Passing through. You follow the Kaddish... You don’t go to another shul and be loud the Kaddish guy. You're Sefardi. We’re an Ashkenazi shul Fatim. We are not switching to Sefardi Kaddishes. You're a guest. Do what we do... You’re a selfish mourner.
We want unified mourning... If you look at our congregants, you will notice unified depression... Be in unison with them. Have you heard them? They sound bad as it is. None of them are helping anybody. Even the deceased. It's just that we want to maintain a decorum of depressed people... It's a very depressing Kaddish. I understand Fatim. We're Ashkenazim. Our congregants mourn everything. Including death...
They come to our shul for a Minyin and they take over like they're running the place with their Kaddish... That other guy shocked me last week.
If you ask members of our shul what scares them the most. It's not public speaking. It's not death. It's a guy from Chicago saying Kaddish...
You will be a shul with random scary mourners passing through...

I see more of you showed this Shabbis. I still made sure to have a sermon... I understand I'm not at the shul. And I know you are all excited getting out a half hour early. Shema will be back to normal next week. You will wait for me as always. I will also extend my Amidah to make up for lost waiting...
You will be a congregation of people who have a very long Shabbat morning Shacharit. Of upwards of two hours and forty-five minutes...

Be there for the occasion... You celebrate on Rosh Hashana... Because that's when the New Year starts, Fran. The New Year is called 2026-27. That’s how we count years. It's not 2026. It's 2026-27... 
It’s not fun partying with shul members. I’ve partied at Bar Mitzvahs with you. You can't even get the middle circle one hand hold kick right... 
Right now, we are celebrating 2025-26. That is the year. We're in in the middle of it. Your resolutions can wait nine months...
You will be a congregation of annoying members who are a bunch of heretics. Your oaths will be in of vain, inopportune times. An annoying membership...

The Anim Zemirot kid did all of the post Ein Kelokeinu stuff. First time ever the kid read it all. And that goes to show that our day school is doing a very bad at teaching our children to read Hebrew. That was so slow...
It was amazing. I was happy. It only added an extra six minutes to Davening... It's beautiful. You don't understand it, and you make the congregation wait.
You will be a people who waits for its children, and its rabbi, to finish Davening...

Not knowing what will be, they still show up...
(Bereishit 49:1) Yaakov gathers his sons and tells them he is going to tell them “what will happen at the end of days.” That's how you get a crowd.
Rashi teaches that he was going to reveal “the End, but the Shechinah was removed from him.” So, he said other stuff. (Pesachim 56a). That's a nice way of saying he forgot. Yaakov had an audience and he had to keep going. He had an attentive crowd. He had to say something. So, he started going off on Shimon and Levi. And now, I am left with congregants who have no idea what’s going on. No idea what will happen. Just really dumb ideas for renovations...
Bernie. Stop. You're wrong...

We don't always understand. At the end, not everything happens. There was no Kugel at Kiddish last week. But that doesn’t stop us. You go on.
Sometimes, we have to improvise, like Yaakov...

I want to tell you what is going to happen with the shul this year... Shoot. I forgot...
You can forget what you’re going to say, but you go on.

In the end. At the end of days, we understand. We can understand about Yehuda’s raiment.
That is what Yaakov was saying. Live your lives. Just don’t mess up like our congregants. And if you don’t have a board, things will make sense at the end... The lesson? In the meantime, don’t be idiots. Don’t think that you will ever get out of shul this early again. And where is that Anim Zemirot kid’s parents?! Tell them to educate him right and to stop him reading the whole thing. He should learn how to Daven right and skip some of those Shir Shel Yom prayers... You don't want everybody to hate him like the Chazin.
Don't let your inability to understand stuff. Don't let yourself being dumb stop you this year. Don't let not knowing what to do stop you from doing it. It never stopped the board.
He is saying. At the end. You have to be you. And I have to deal with that...
Enjoy 2026-27.

No matter what. Whether you want to be there or not. Whether you understand or you don't. Whether you have tendrils or raiment. Be there. At the end, you have to be there...
Be there and do the right thing. I have to tell you guys to do the right thing, or you'll get another chandelier for the sanctuary. Don't be like our congregants who ruin a good New Year's party. Or like our guests who ruin a good Kaddish. Our shul has a good tune. A good pace...

The children of this shul do not bring Bracha. Maybe the next generation will be decent...
Sometimes there will be a Bracha. A year of Bracha. And Yaakov did give a Bracha. We do know that the Efraim and Menashe got a blessing. He liked his grandkids...

Rivka's Rundown
"Don't let you not knowing what you're doing stop you"??? Why did the rabbi empower the board like that?!

The Gabai got through the sermon in three minutes. He speed read it. It's amazing how everybody paid attention.
It’s amazing how our rabbi knows what we're thinking. He can be not here and not even give a sermon, and he's giving a sermon and responding to what we're saying.
The rabbi gave a sermon and he had no idea what he was talking about. It didn’t stop Yaakov and it never stops our rabbi.

I believe we just saw the rabbi work through an existential crisis. At the beginning of the sermon, the rabbi was having a rabbinical crisis. He was stuck with stuff he didn’t understand. But then he triumphantly turned his inability to understand Torah as a rabbi, into a lesson. That’s what makes our rabbi great. He won't stop his sermon, even if he has no idea what he's talking about.

The rabbi blamed the security team for the lower membership numbers this past year. He is starting to blame those guys for everything. Volunteering is truly not worth it.

This was the first time our rabbi told off a guest. The whole congregation was relieved. Rachel was so happy. She shouted, "It's not just us. He's mad at all Jews."
We have too many selfish mourners.
I am going to start standing up to these Kaddish bullies. These guys come and take over. They think every shul is theirs. They’re a member of a shul in Chicago and now they can control Kaddish everywhere. Like all shuls are controlled by Skokie. Skokie people are scary.
It's a Chutzpah to come to a shul and take over like that. Selfish mourners. Thinking about their loved ones who passed away.

Rabbi wasn't here. Davening only took an hour and forty minutes. Everybody was out a half hour earlier. And that's how Hashkama Minyins start. The people realize things go much faster without a rabbi, and they start to think not having a rabbi is a pretty good idea.
Like usual, most of the people showed up at 11am and were shocked to see we were already at Kiddish. Some were even mad. Like it’s a Chutzpah we Daven on time. Davening starts at 9am. They show up at 11am. They get mad when the people who pray don't have to be there for an extra hour waiting for them to show. They want the people who show up on time to feel the pain of serving Gd.

So, as Jews, we celebrate New Year's with circle dancing and a very complicated way of saying the years. Celebrating 2025-26. The rabbi makes everything complicated. Even the year.
That New Year’s 2026-27 idea is messed up. Let us just say we don't celebrate. I think we can accept that we don’t have cool congregants who want to go out and drink.  Some do, but not with other members. Friday night Oneg is the extent of our partying together. Somebody opens a bottle of schnapps and we don't have to pay, that's how we party.
The rabbi ended up writing everybody to wish them a Happy 5786. For some reason, I can't remember the years since creation. The two thousand or so years is hard enough. Adding another thirty-seven hundred is too much for me focus on. I can’t remember it. I'll stick with the 2026-27 idea, even if I have to wait another nine months to wish people a good year.

The rabbi's message to Zalmy about his Anim Zemirot was a bit confusing. "Go slow, but don't go slow."
Supporting Zalmy saying the words to the prayers. That’s too much. Total pain. Almost as bad as a long sermon. We have to sit and watch this?! It's like watching childhood education fail.
The rabbi has no problem staying in shul for hours. He’s talking. It’s good times for him. Yet, he did take into account the congregants. I guess he feels that if it's not him talking, the rest of the services should move fast. It turns out, the rabbi is now adding six minutes to his speeches. I think that's why the end of his sermon turned that message around on Zalmy, telling him to go faster. It's like when they raise the price on milk, it never goes back down.

The class on Taking over Minyin with Kaddish was interesting. We learned to be loud. It was a kind of shul self-defense class. The rabbi insisted the security team be present at the class, to learn how to protect our shul. In the class, the rabbi made it clear that the security protected nobody from the scary guy from Chicago, mourning. Scariest morning I experienced in this shul.

Announcements
The renovations committee has decided that the shul will get AstroTurf for the sanctuary as many stadiums now use it. The head of the committee said, "It's used in the place of grass. Why should it not be used instead of carpet?!"
 
We’re asking our congregants to participate in the Davening. It's been reported that our shul is very depressing, by the people who are depressing. Please greet people. Please smile. And please help with the singing in Davening. Make our shul less depressing by you not depressing everybody.

Musaf’s repetition tune was messed up on Rosh Chodesh Chanukah because nobody finished off the Kedusha "Halleluka" with the tune to lead the Chazin.
You have a job as congregants. And sometimes that might mean helping with the tune of Al HaNisim throughout a holiday, for every prayer.
 
We put in a petition to our Christian neighbors to give us more than Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song over their six months of Christmas.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Angry and Depressed in Shul- A Day with Our Members. How to Be a Congregant- A Class with Guest Speakers from Other Shuls. How to Fit the Words of Every Prayer into Al Hanisim- A Course in Jewish Music. Jewish Identity Found in Santa's Lap at the Mall.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yosef sends his brothers to Israel to bring the whole family to Mitzryaim... Why not? It's winter. It's a bit warmer than Israel. Why should the family not go down for a visit?
Yosef makes sure to take care of his brothers. (Bereishit 45:21-23) He sends them with changes of clothes, all the good stuff from Egypt for Yaakov and donkeys and wagons and food. Last time I went down to Florida, I had to pack my own sandwich. Not one member of this shul packed a lunch for their rabbi. Not even a corned beef on club... I like club. And a little mayonnaise. I'm not a corned beef on rye guy... It’s care. It’s concern...
I have no idea what the good stuff in Mitzrayim was. It could've been Hashish.

(Bereishit 45:24) Yosef sends his brothers and he says, “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” “Don’t become agitated on the way.” When he sends them, it’s not the stuff, it’s the focus. The safety of the way. Have you ever traveled with my wife?!...
It was the way that Yosef cared. Sent them on the mission. More importantly. He and Paroh made sure they had everything. And more important than that, it was the peace of mind. You can't travel. You can't do your mission right when you have congregants that are so annoying. They get under your skin with their stupidity... AstroTurf???!!!!! How can I focus on being a rabbi with AstroTurf?! Am I supposed to slide into the Bima?! Is the Gabai going to tackle me?!...
And what do you need most? Peace of mind. “Al Tirgzu BaDerech.” You can have everything. But the wrong focus. People like Bernie, will throw you off...

Rashi gives three explanations for "not becoming agitated" and not dealing with congregants. Just thought you might want to know... Don’t discuss Halacha... Ever seen a Chavrusa. Yelling at each other. A lot of fighting about Rava. Even worse. Ever fielded a question from one of our members?! I never knew I would have to field questions about artificial grass. Don’t rush. Stop properly on the journey... A bathroom break. Yosef is telling them to take bathroom breaks, Fishel. And now I am agitated. How this is a Halachik question. And don’t fight about who is to blame for selling Yosef... I don’t know which one Yosef meant. He might have wanted to think they would fight on the way. The same way Ruchel wants to know that we appreciate her Tzimis...

When you send someone on a mission. When people are traveling, you think about them. “Don’t become agitated on the way.” You have that responsibility to support them. Don't give them the mission to be the rabbi and then ask him to deal with a membership who harmonizes... It's annoying. Kills my Davening every day. I'm hearing a ringing in my ear right now.
Now is not the time to think about where you went wrong. How you ended up in Topeka.
The individual has to focus on the mission. The other people have to support them correctly. Let your rabbi do his job and don't do stupid stuff. Don't be a board member...

The renovations committee needs to know they are fools. We have to support them in that way... Artificial turf?!! We have not one athlete in this shul...
How will it save people time in shul? Who in Gehenim mows carpets?!... You don’t mow the lawn in front of the shul anyways. 
And now we have to get down on AstroTurf on Yom Kippur?!...

The Chazin needs our support... The Tefillah is out loud. There is singing. You are expected to not be a bunch of depressing congregants... Yes. You are supposed to join in the singing. Rebecca has no problem harmonizing. Sounds awful...
You don’t even pay dues. How can you expect the Chazin to Daven for you...
He needed support. He needed the Hallelulaka at the end of Musaf Kedusha to get the tune right...

This is agitating. Hold on. You’re the Chazin. You have to be able to figure it out yourself... You think anybody can depend on our congregants?! Have you seen the dues? Can’t even depend on them to be congregants... They’re members but they’re not... If you haven’t paid your dues, you’re not members. You're people who take Kichel at Kiddish every week and don't pay... At least help the Chazin out with moving into the Musaf Kedusha. That’s your job as a congregant. And to pay your dues. And to make sure your rabbi gets a raise... You're congregants. You're still agitating. 
Couldn't even figure out the Al Hanisim tune for Kedusha. How can you be our Chazin. Getting a new one... Always messes up his mission... Well. We need a Chazin who can look at our congregation and say, "These people are very not helpful"...
You should be singing Al Hanisim eight days straight. That is how you celebrate Chanukah...

Tirgzu also means to become angry. “Don't become angry.” When others have a holiday. Don’t become agitated... I have spoken to the pastors about their celebrating Christmas months before their holiday starts. 
Their Christmas in downtown Topeka lasts from Shavuot to Purim. We have eight holidays in the time they celebrate one... 
Chanukah and they're wearing Christmas hats already. Can't give us the week. Eight days. That's all we want. I told them. They’ve taken over the radio with Christmas songs since July. It's not fair. Give us a song... They play those songs on the radio all year. That Mariah Carey and Bruce Springsteen... One Chanukah song is all we have. We have one song. "I Had a Little Dreidel"... And Al Hanisim. Correct... Maybe a Jew could support his people and focus on writing a Chanukah song for once... Always writing Christmas songs. I have a feeling a Catholic wrote "I Had a Little Dreidel"... You might have a little Dreidel. I had one. That's how I sing the song...

(Bereishit 45:19-21) Paroh tells Yosef that he should tell his brothers to take from the best of Egypt. And they do that. Why not?! Enjoy. If I told you to take from the best of the shul. You would be stuck in a long drown out conversation with Chana about turf.
Yosef though, focused on their journey. Yosef would’ve packed up a bunch of corned beef sandwiches for his brothers. The best corned beef. The fatty stuff... They didn’t have corned beef back then. Bernie. It's hyperbole, Bernie. Hope...
We all have a mission. We're all on a journey in this world. Don't take Bernie along. He will throw you off.  You take my wife. Next thing you know, you're shopping for Chanukah tinsels... 
But more than that. We have a requirement to not mess up other people's missions. Let me enjoy my vacation down in Florida this year, for crying out loud. Let me have some peace of mind. A week with no Christmas songs, and no renovation ideas dealing with AstroTurf. Idiots...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was hoping somebody would put together a corned beef on club for his next trip. Always hinting to stuff. He went off for three minutes on how he likes his sandwiches. Why lettuce with a touch of dill made it into the sermon this week is a question I still ask.

"Don't be a board member." Some of the most profound words from our rabbi. Best Musar, rebuke, our rabbi has ever given.

The Renovations committee felt it was important to get artificial turf because they had extra money. To quote the committee chair, “We have money. I think.”
They said the shul is like the Astrodome, as the sanctuary has a ceiling. That was their thought.

I agree. A Chazin should be able to do every Tefillah to Al HaNisim. That is how we’re going to start checking who's allowed to lead us in services.
They're depressing. Our shul’s members bring a feeling of sadness to Chanukah.
The rabbi later explained the responsibility of congregants. Which is something they pay for. You pay to help the Chazin. That's what a member does. He also let people know that they have to be ready to sing the Al HaNisim tune at least a hundred forty times over the course of Chanukah.
That's the requirement of a Jew. Payment. And then to sing Al Hanisim all hundred forty times with a smile.

The rabbi did make it clear that the congregants have bad voices. Nonetheless, they need to be part of the services. Which is why things sound very bad. Truth is I don't know if them singing will help the Chazin. It hurts me.

Our kids sat on Santa for Chanukah. That’s what the mall gave us as Jews for Chanukah. They allowed our children to enjoy Santa too.
I couldn't get one "Happy Hanukah" this year. Not even a Hanukah on Chanukah. It's Chanukah and they’re already celebrating Christmas. which isn’t even happening. So, for Chanukah, Santa wished us a Merry Christmas.
I'm just amazed at how much they celebrate Christmas in our town. No Jewish neighbor of mine is celebrating any Jewish holiday longer than they have to. Chanukah. We are not giving people more gifts. The fact they have to get eight gifts they don't want already is painful. We’re not singing Al Hanisim till Purim. Pesach. We are looking to get out of there. The holiday is over. We're not singing those songs anymore. Maybe Kel Bnei. Because it’s amazing.

Announcements
Marcie got no gifts this Chanukah, and she is happy. She asks that nobody gives her anything. She’s sponsoring Kiddish. To quote: “Kiddish this Shabbat is in honor of not getting anything I didn’t want. I’m so happy nobody thought of me this holiday.” Marcie also wants everybody to know, "I didn’t need any new winter accessories with Chanukah images that I wouldn't have worn on Chanukah. And that means I now don’t have to shop for people, for stuff they didn’t ask for.”
 
We want to thank our funeral director, Mark, for showing up to the shul Chanukah party, just in case somebody from our shul dies too. We love having Mark at our services. We understand that other shuls also have a good chance of people passing away at services.
 
The eighth night of Chanukah we will have a memorial service for our Jewish brethren in Australia. We ask Bernie and Marty not come.
 
Note to Our Baal Tefillah this Chanukah: You don’t have to do every Shabbat Tefillah to the tune of Al HaNisim.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin Somebody’s Holiday with a Sale You Found at Five Below. Chesed Shel Emet- A Reason to Show to Shul. Chesed Shel Emet Part Two- The Financial Benefit of Caring for Our Loved Ones. When You Shouldn't be Present- People Who Are Not Comforting to See Like Bernie and Marty. How to Fit All of the Words of the Repetition of the Amidah to the Tune of Al HaNisim.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The famine starts... It wasn’t the shul Chanukah party, where the sisterhood didn’t make enough Latkes...
(Bereishit 42:1) Yaakov sees there is food in Mitzrayim and tells his sons to g. And then he asks his sons, “Why do you make yourselves be seen?” Seemingly not much to do with the going down to Egypt. Just, "Why are you wearing your baseball caps off to the side?"... It's annoying. And I would appreciate it if your kids stopped doing that. It's not cute. It's annoying...
"Why are you making yourselves conspicuous?" That is the question. And I ask that of our congregants who harmonize so off-tune. Tone-deaf... Yes. That is offensive to deaf people. I'm sorry for comparing you to these people with awful voices, Kimberly. Our deaf congregants sing much better than you... Kimberly. Please sit. I appreciate your support of that last statement. They do sound awful... Benjamin signs it and he sounds better than the rest of the conversation. At least his harmonizing doesn't ruin the song...

When you have it better than others, don’t show that to them. Don't be a Baal Gayva. Be on the people’s level.
Rashi quotes Taanit 10b, “Why do you make yourselves seen before the children of Yishmael and Esav as if you have plenty?!” For this kind of behavior, will lead to envy and ill will.
Now. I know nobody in this shul has anything to show off. I've seen your homes. You all have it very bad. I see your lawns. It’s depressing... Your lawn only looks good now because of the snow...

"I understand they were running out of food too. But don’t show them you are OK." Sometimes you have to look bad too. Like one of our congregants...
Your harmonizing is not showing off. It's just offensive.
When you have the big house, people will hate you... You go to New York. New Jersey. Everybody has to show off what they have. Yaakov asks, “Why do you make yourself conspicuous?!”
Truth is the statement has nothing to do with going to get provisions. The Jewish way is one of modesty... I know it’s not. But it is.

Jews should not show off... Why? Because Yaakov says it. Do I need more proof?! How much proof does this congregation need for every little thing... It's my parking spot, because it says "Rabbi's spot"...

I see little Samantha showing off her Chanukah gifts. That’s not what Jews do. Unless if it’s one of those electric ride-ons. You get one of those, you show it off to everybody. And you don’t share... Because those are awesome.

Being seen is not always good, especially when it’s our shul. We all saw what happened in the inter-shul basketball league... There’s a reason our shul sticks to Davening...

Of course Marcie is happy not being noticed. She didn’t get any gifts.  
She has nothing to show off. She doesn’t have to thank people for giving her something she didn’t want... You’re going to flaunt a new scarf with Dreidels on it?!... For some reason, I will not be wearing my gifts.
I got gifts and I am disappointed. Marcie is happy and she doesn't have to worry about people being offended that she didn't give them anything they didn't ask for... A gift is something I made a point of not buying. 
I had to write thank yous... Because I didn’t give them gifts. It’s either a gift or a thank you for something I didn’t want...
Money. That makes sense. The one time to flaunt money is when giving a gift...

What has Mark ever flaunted, other than his Lincoln Navigator... It’s a hearse.
A little respect for Mark. He’s a great funeral director. He shows to all the shuls, because he understands that you go to shul for business. You’ve got to drum it up. Our shul is not the only synagogue where people die... Of course he spends his time talking to the old people...

Marty. You ruined the Chanukah party last week. Nobody thought that could be done. But you made it worse than the sisterhood... Showing off your ability to down whiskey in front of the families...
Marty seen at an event makes it bad.

I am sorry for Shlomo’s Kabalat Shabbat. There is no Chanukah tune other than Al HaNisim or the lighting songs... Lecha Dodi to Al HaNisim... You did Kedusha to Al HaNisim too. We need another Chanukah song... I know you tried changing it up, but you got caught at Lo Teyvoshi and right back to Al HaNisim.
You didn’t show off your ability to sing. Or to pick tunes. Very modest. Nobody is jealous of your singing... They were bothered by it... 
You only do the lighting songs for lighting. Because it's Mutar to do Chanukah carols around the Menorah...

There are times to be seen, and that is when you need to be with the people.
Show up to the memorial service, you selfish pieces of... You don't show off at memorial services.
Marty and Bernie should not be seen... Bernie. They said "thank you for coming" right when you got there, because they wanted you to leave. It was like they were saying, "Thank you for coming. Now please go."
You have to join. But you have to sometimes not let yourself be known. Be part of the people...

My grandmother would say, “Don’t let them know how much money you have.” She always looked good. Made herself up. She was sick as anything. Nobody ever knew. She always had jet black hair. She was born with jet black hair and she went to Olam Haba with jet black hair... She could've been two-hundred. Jet black hair...
It was always status quo. Going on a vacation. Status quo. Going to shul. Status quo. Going to get a heart transplant. Status quo... Don't bring attention to yourself. Only to your hair...
You join in the community struggles and care for others. The point is don’t show your selfishness, and you might end up being a good person... I know you're selfish. If you cared about us, you wouldn't sing. Please just don't sing... We have enough troubles.
Keep your struggles to yourself. Don’t ruin Kabbalat Shabbat for us with your inability to figure out how to fit Al HaNisim to a Tefillah. Don’t share your messed up family pictures from your vacation
Don’t buy your messed up gifts that you had to find on sale because you’re poor...

I am saying to be humble... Not when you give gifts...

"Why do you make yourself be seen?" "Titrau." With an Aleph.
"Titrau" with an Ayin means "make yourselves bad." The Torah doesn’t say that. Yaakov's children were not part of the Markowitz family. The Torah writes it with an Aleph. Even so, we can learn something... If you listened, you could learn something...
We can learn that when you make yourself be seen, you make yourself bad.
​Being seen. A desire to be seen. To show off. That makes yourself bad. "Titrau" with an Ayin...
I request you don't sing.
Were Yaakov's sons singing? I don't know. Maybe they were wearing nice clothes, showing they had a lot of food, and harmonizing in front of the Yishmaelim. Maybe it's your harmonizing. That is where antisemitism is from...

The reason nonJews hate our congregants is pure hatred. Nothing to do with money... You drive disgusting cars. You have nothing to show... You can't show off a KIA.
Sharing Latkes with them would not help the situation. There are not enough Latkes to share. And the sisterhood did a very bad job with them... They would hate us for bad food.
Our shul is not gloating with Latkes.

If you're going to give a gift, make it money...
Gifts are Asur because of Maarat Ayin. You see the package. You see the bad. You think it's going to be good. Then you open it and notice that Bracha found a sale... 

Rivka's Rundown
Definitely not enough Latkes at the party. Crazy amounts of Sufganiahs, and nobody eats them. Maybe there were very few Sufganiahs, but nobody eats them. I can't tell you.
One person ate the Sufganiahs and said they make you fat. So, nobody else ate them. After looking around, I just assumed that every member in the shul was eating them all year.

The deaf congregants thanked the rabbi for letting the hearing congregants know how much better the deaf members sound than them. One deaf congregant said, "It's so painful. Every time they sing my hearing aid starts buzzing."

The sisterhood truly didn’t make enough Latkes. I have a feeling they were taking Yaakov’s lesson to heart and making sure nobody had anything. They had nothing to show for. Just people asking why there were no Latkes at a Chanukah party.
The rabbi gave a class on how Latkes started with the Chashmonaim, who created french fries. He didn't have sources. But he had a lot of intuition. I believe he said it was Ruach HaKodesh. He's been using the spirit of holiness to explain a lot of Jewish history and our traditions the past few weeks. I think he just got sick of looking up the sources. He was using the statement, "We learn this from Chazal." But he stopped using that when people asked him where that source of the rabbis was. 
Now that people have found a way to argue with the source of Chazal, he's went to Ruach HaKodesh.

We got killed in the Chanukah basketball tournament. I have a feeling our shul is more religious. It seems like these other shuls keep in shape.

We need another Chanukah song. These guys think that every Tefillah works with Al HaNisim. I must have sung Al HaNisim in seventy different forms this past week.

Gifts are a pain. The rabbi suggested we get rid of the idea of gifts on Chanukah. To quote, "To bring joy to Chanukah, you give nobody a gift."
The rabbi truly wants more gifts. Just in the form of money. He noticed that nobody was catching that message, so he banned gifts.
By Sunday, the rabbi realized you can't get away without gifts on Chanukah, because the malls have Santa. How Santa is now affecting Chanukah gifts is something the rabbi explained based on Ruach HaKodesh. So, the rabbi started a Chanukah gift registry business for next year. He said that if you get people stuff they can't afford, it's appreciated. So now, for Chanukah you have to buy people dishwashers and fridges.

Mark pops in every few months just in case the old members forget he can do their funeral.

I am happy the rabbi finally called out the selfish Jews who just take. It’s the same people that take all the Kichel at Kiddish. They take the Kichel and flaunt their plate.

I am happy our community is finally coming together for our nation.
At least a quarter of the community showed up. The others didn’t show for religious reasons. They said Ruach HaKodesh told them they didn't have to go to the memorial service.
I think the rabbi has to define who's allowed to use Ruach HaKodesh. Me and my husband went for a movie and we came back to find the babysitter had her friends over at our house. She said that Ruach HaKodesh said she should eat our leftovers with her friends, and pay her by the hour.

Announcements
The community lighting program will take place in the park. Chabad is taking more chances this year with the fire safety laws. They decided that the rabbi carrying torches on scaffoldings is not dangerous enough. They want trees around.
 
Marty will be drunk at the community Chanukah party. Thought it would be good to announce that. This year he will be drunk too.
There will be a bouncy house. It’s a Jewish holiday. Tradition is very important. There will be a bouncy house and drunk Marty.
 
No more family pictures are allowed to be shared by our membership. This is a Psak from our rabbi. You all look bad. When your families get together and smile, it’s a horrific experience for everybody. To add, nobody wants to see your family smiling. Nobody wants to see your family happy. The rabbi has forbidden the posting of you and your family having a good time on social media. This holiday, keep your pictures to yourself. Nobody wants to see that you were down in Florida. And nobody wants to see you in sweaters.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: At What Point Is It Pirsumei Nisah- The Yearly Growth of the Community Chanukah Menorah. The Mitzvah to Get Drunk on Purim and How Marty Thinks Every Holiday Is Purim. The Mitzvah of a Bouncy House at Every Shul Event. How to Get Other People Mad- The Art of Sharing Pictures of Your Family on Vacation.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Happy Chanukah. Bert went down to Florida last week. B"H. It is a Happy Chanukah to all...
(Bereishit 38:7) Yehuda's children get killed for spilling seed... It’s rude to drop sunflower seeds in Israel...

We’re talking about vacation and sexual promiscuity. Not following the proper way of intimacy. And people like Tamar remind you. It will catch up to you... Women can be evil. Just like Larry. He went on vacation. Met a woman. Got married. And now he has a family. Vacation will mess you up.
Bad things happen on the road and they stick...
(Bereishit 38:25) As Tamar is being brought to be burned, she sends word to her father-in-law, Yehuda, “I am pregnant by the man to whom these belong.” Now. All the sudden. Nobody has a signet ring. In all of Israel, not one signet. Amazing how everybody is quiet about the signet when there's a child.
And she adds, “Whose signet-ring, cloak, and staff are these? Please acknowledge that you are the father.”
Catch this. It was Yehuda’s ring and cloak. And like a kind man, he decides that they don't have to burn her... Women will remember stuff. That is the lesson...

Acknowledging you are the father is a hard thing in this shul. We all see little Yanky. An embarrassment. I get it. None of you want to acknowledge these are your kids. They’re messed up.
(Bereishit 38:26) Yehuda says it is his. And the twins that come out don’t die so quickly by Gd, like his first ones...
No apology. They didn’t say “I’m sorry” back then. They gave cloaks.
The lesson from Yehuda is to be honest. And never give up your signet-ring, cloak or staff...

Your bad catches up with you. And that is why you shouldn’t have fun on vacation... On vacation, you should be learning Torah.
You go to Disney World. That’s how you celebrate Chanukah. Now you're paying two-hundred dollars for a picture with Minnie Mouse... I am trying to say, as you go on your vacation, do not enjoy it.
I came out here. I thought the job interview was a bit of a vacation. Now. I’m stuck... You pay for your vacations.

You get caught when you take things for granted. Yehuda's kids took their progeny for granted, as did Yehuda.
When you take your responsibilities for granted and don't take ownership of them, that is when you are cursed. When you don't fess. I have not seen any fessing around here... You need to fess more...

Chabad takes responsibility for lighting huge Chanukah Menorahs...
It’s fine to light with a candle, unless if you’re Chabad. It’s Chabad tradition to use torches and bonfires in the Chanukiah. They have more faith than you...
I know lighting Chanukiahs around trees is dangerous. But Chabad is spreading the light of our people. And for that the Chabad rabbi take chances. They take chances for what they believe in. Something Yehuda didn't do. And he was brought to justice for it... I know he’s not a builder, but he was up in a scaffolding lighting last Chanukah...
The Menorah is now up to forty feet tall. It grows around a foot every year...
Of course we can find the Menorah. It's huge. We know that belongs to the community... Don't give anybody your Chanukah Menorah, or they will claim it is your child.

Being drunk is where it starts. You’re drunk. You make a mistake... Dumb decisions. Like our sisterhood serving potato waffles... It's pancakes, Sharon. Latkes are potato pancakes. What happened to tradition in this place?!... I need to be honest, so we can have some morality and a future of good children. Like Peretz and Zerach... Not kids in our shul. Yehuda and Tamar's kids. Has anyone in our shul named their child Peretz or Zerach?... Exactly. That's why things are messed up here, and nobody takes responsibility. And the kids don't clean up after themselves...
Well. That's the party. That’s the shul Chanukah activity. Marty being drunk... Marty being drunk is shul tradition.
There will also be prizes for the kids... OK. Call it Chanukah gifts. I don’t call the Chinese finger lock thing a gift. It’s a prize... You give somebody a finger cuff thing and a fake nail through the finger, or a kazoo as a gift, and they will not want to be Jewish. They will convert to another religion for the holiday. One that gives better gifts... Of course there will be a bouncy house. It’s a holiday. We have tradition here... We cannot keep Marty out of the bouncy house...

Then you share your vacation pictures. And people hate you... Vacations are an issue. You see what happened to Yehuda... Did he share pictures of his signet ring?!... There would've been more problems for Yehuda if he shared signet pictures.
No family pictures anymore... You all look off. People see pictures of your families smiling and... Nobody wants to see your family happy, Chani... If you’re always so happy, why is it that you’re always screaming at each other at shul...
You bother people with your vacation pictures.
Take responsibility for being decent to others, and not posting your family smiling in the "Schwartz" T-shirts...
Marty in the bouncy house is a mistake. And taking a picture of it ruined our shul's reputation. It's the signet ring our shul doesn't need. But we have to take responsibility for our members...

Bracha happens when we take responsibility. Raise our kids right. Which is why there is no Bracha on the board.
We have to take care of the next generation... Not with bouncy houses or drunk Marty. Not with annoying pictures... A nice Chanukah candle lighting in the house is a good way to do this.
See the importance in your progeny. Take pride in your work. And get them off the Bima for crying out loud. I'm giving a speech. Whose one is this one?... Pick her up and take her out... Yes. Not having your four-year-old in the sermon is the proper thing to do. And no pictures... I don't know if you take Shabbis pictures. A bunch of heretics here...
Acknowledge your mistakes. Take responsibility for Yanky... It is then that we can have redemption. That people can be saved from evil.
Once you are honest. Acknowledge how you've wronged your rabbi...

If you don’t, the women will remember what you did. They’ll remind you.

Point is be careful on vacation. You might have kids. And you might have to acknowledge they’re yours... You can’t run away from them at Disney World. They have cameras...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi got out a lot about his wife in the Drasha. Yet, he then thanked her for making him accountable. And as he was accountable, they went on a vacation together for Chanukah. Got out of town. Took his family to Disney World. Took pictures. He said she made him.

I have never seen somebody so happy to not see Bert.

After the sermon, the rabbi had to explain to everybody that learning Torah is fun. To quote the rabbi, "I was just saying you guys don't find it fun... Then have your face show it. Maybe smile every once in a while."

There was something in there about baby fathers and Yehuda living in a low-income community.

The rabbi tried bringing the idea of vacation into shul, so people would be happy. He called it "Shacharit Vacation." You come to shul on Shabbis morning as a vacation from your regular life. It turns out there is no sun in the shul in December. And it turns out, nobody posts social media of themselves at shul. Why? Because their families don't smile at shul.

The rabbi made us have a second Chanukah party on Sunday to redo the depressed shul feeling. It was really just a meet up for a shul portrait with some Latkes. Everybody had to line up at the Chanukah party, standing sideways and smile. It was not easy. Our congregants are not good at standing sideways. We're the only Jewish people in the world that take Simcha pictures standing straight. Looking straight at the camera.
You could see how awkward it was. The board made an executive decision to not post the picture. To quote, "I have never seen such unhappy people."

For the next shul party they've decided to bring in a beach. After researching the social posts of our membership, they said the bouncy house is fun, but the beach seems to bring our congregants smiles.
They're going to have the bouncy house on the beach next time. They just haven't thought it through yet. Always need a bouncy house. It’s part of Jewish tradition for every holiday in our shul. Latkes and a bouncy house. Purim is Hamentashen and a bouncy house. Sukkot, the Sukkah is a bouncy house.

The shul Chanukah party is not a place I would take the family. Forget about Marty being drunk. The gifts are so bad. I got a bathroom spray and shampoo. It's not gifts. It's prizes. I think the flyer should say that. Like the rabbi said, "Prizes... and your children won't want to convert." If it was prizes, I would've enjoyed it. Gifts are a gesture I have to repay. Something somebody put thought into. If they put thought into a nail through the finger, I am not happy. I get a nail through the finger prize, I'm good. It's like a trophy. A very cheap trophy.

I’m always worried about our community Chabad rabbi when he lights and takes chances at such extreme heights. Four years ago, he lit on a tightrope. Walked on a tightrope to the Chanukiah, holding a torch. It was definitely a community miracle, as our Chabad rabbi is now eighty-five years old and uses a walker.

So, the rabbi Asured vacation. He said his trip to Florida is not a vacation, but a necessary tour. He even called it a "furlough." He views his job as a military operation. His assignment is to stay away from congregants.
Nobody can stand the happy family pictures. It’s the worst part of the holiday. “Look at them. On vacation. No wonder we didn’t see them in shul."
We are now teaching our children to keep their pictures to themselves. They are attacking each other. But at least they're not sharing their pictures on Instagram.

Announcements
We have a gambling issue in the shul. The board seems to be betting on members paying their dues to help support the shul’s electric bills. Odds are we won’t have heat in the chapel this winter.

​We will not be giving out football cards to the kids anymore. They’re too expensive nowadays. The Gabai apologizes to the parents. To quote, “The shul can’t afford for your children to believe in Gd.”

We are coming back with the shul Bingo night. A great religious tradition. One that has inspired many generations of our people.
We will not be hosting Chumash class anymore. The board voted and it turns out that Bingo is more inspirational.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: Will Congregants Pay Their Dues- A Class in Bookmaking and Working Odds. How To Teach Your Children Without Baseball Cards and Other Impossible Tasks.​ The Jewish Tradition of Bingo in the Gaonic Period.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When you’re satisfied with who you are you can have peace. Which is why everybody in this shul is so tense... None of you are comfortable with who you are. Always looking at Melanie's hats... The huge ones. Be happy with you are and your pathetic little derbies. 
Esav sees his brother and is overtaken by emotion... He cried. He wasn’t a board member who is ice cold and has no care for their rabbi.
(Bereishit 33:9) Upon Yaakov insisting Esav takes his gifts Esav responds, “I have plenty. Achi. Let what is yours be yours.” And to this day, we Israelis refer to each other as Achi. My brother. And to this day, that is how you get somebody to buy hats and sunflower seeds from you... We are happy with what our brothers have. Especially when they invite you for dinner and they have brisket.

Esav was content. Didn’t need to feel hatred. He was happy with himself. He is fine seeing someone else's success. Not like Simon who curses people when they do the Mishebeyrachs for all their family members... I understand some of their families are too big and it takes way too long for them to get out all the names. And the Kugel gets cold... Cursing them is fine. You’re right...

Hating gifts is what allows for peace and love. You all expect gifts and then Chanukah comes and you get gifts, and you're mad, because the gifts are real bad... Esav was thinking, "All he gives me is a herd..."
The problem is you’re not happy with who you are and what you have. And that is why you are always fighting over the armrest.
Can the shul be happy with what it has? Can we be happy seeing other people’s success? Can we be happy with Shloimi’s new fedora... Well stop talking about it Simcha. I see you cursing out his new hat every moment. During the Amidah you were saying, “Gd. Please strike down his new hat. I hate him and I hate the feather.”
And Fran’s new hat is also ugly as sin...

Who in this shul has plenty??? Well. Bernie. Nobody sees it... Because you share none of it with us. You...

Achi!!!
You’re gambling with the shul... I don’t know what to do. But depending on Harry for heat is not a good idea... And we are cancelling the shul casino night...
​
Giving out baseball cards is how you get kids to love Gd. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I say pull the kids from Jewish day school. There’s no hope... Take them Comic-Con and they will be religious. Learning Rashi has never brought a kid closer to Gd...
Giving out baseball cards was a great tradition. But. Who can afford it now?
I can’t even afford to go to a game... Football cards are expensive too. Baseball cards is what you call football cards...
How their parents can afford to buy them cards, I have no idea... A pack of cards is half of dues. Have you seen these packs. Two cards and fifty dollars. Then you got to send in a decent card to get it graded, for thirty dollars. So, you get back a four-dollar card you spend eighty dollars on, and the kid will only believe in H' if you buy him another pack...
If the Gabai would work overtime, he would be able to afford it. It’s on him. He doesn’t care about Chinuch... Jewish education is the chance of getting an Aaron Judge. A Patrick Mahomes. Or an ulcer if you're the parent buying it... It's about Shalom. When you buy people stuff. When you give, there can be peace...
Barbies are also too expensive. We don't think our shul will be making any good Balabastas.
And this is why there is no Shalom in the shul. Nobody can afford anything...

Bingo is how you get adults to love Gd.
At least people show up for Bingo. Minyin, not so much... Calling out "Bingo" is a religious thrill...
Of course, Bingo is Mutar. It’s not gambling if the money is going to shul... We host Bingo for religious reasons. Have you ever heard anyone yell out "Bingo"? It’s inspired. The Divine has come through them. Emanating into the world through that card. Has anybody ever gotten that feeling from understanding the Pshat in a Gemara...
Everybody, right now, say it with me, “BINGO!!!!” I can feel it. Can I get a "Bingo!" Yes. One more time. From the congregation...
Bingo jealousy is wrong. It makes for a noncommunal event... Menachem will always lose. Accept that. And be happy for others. Find the "let what is yours be yours" inside of you. And we can find brotherhood in this shul...

Achi!!! Yaakov's brotherhood is found in his belief. (Bereishit 33:11) Yaakov sees it all as coming from H’. We are going to need Gd’s help, because none of you support the shul... Yaakov says, “Please take my blessings that I have brought for you, for H’ has been gracious to me, and I have everything..." He may not have everything. But he doesn't have a board. And that is a blessing.

Are you content enough to cry?!
It is contentment that brings Shalom, and an electric bill that gets paid for. It's contentment that allows you to pay the mortgage... That may bring tears.
Wherever it comes from, if you are content, if you are happy with who you are and not Rachel the shul president, you can have peace. You can express emotion. You can be vulnerable. You can cry.

It's about hating gifts. It is that one who hates gifts who is content and ready for Shalom... No. The shul loves gifts. The shul needs gifts to pay for heat. And to give the rabbi a raise... So your rabbi can be content... Not getting a raise can also make one cry...

The lesson is Bingo. Bingo is a more important tradition to our people than learning... Even more important than baseball cards. Bringing generations together...

Be it wealth or belief in H'. We must find kindness and giving in our hearts.
The point is to be happy with what you have. Even if you can't yell out "Bingo." To have that kind of true happiness, where you can cry with others. A Shalom where you can be honest and let Shloimi know how annoying that feather in the hat is... Feathers don't belong in hats...

Rivka's Rundown
I think that feather in the fedora message brought the whole sermon together.

​The whole shul started calling each other Achi. It felt like I was around a bunch of Arsim.
Our congregants are very tense. You can see they don't have Shalom. They don't even say it to each other. Just a bunch of tense angry people who grunt and think somebody else is going to take their armrest. When you don't have an armrest that you know is yours, you're not happy for other people and what they have. Especially when that's your armrest.

I'm not going to lie. When Gideon gets up there and goes off for ten minutes with family names after his Aliyah, I'm cursing him out. I wouldn't mind if there were less births in that Mishpuchi. Maybe I mean less family members he cares about. If he chose the family people he loved and just said their names, I would be fine. I can't imagine he loves them all. Especially his oldest daughter. 

The Achi thing stopped after Kiddish, when people realized they had expenses to pay on their homes. It was a quick lived communal expression of peace.
In my shul nobody calls anybody Achi or Achot Sheli. They just curse each other under their breath. The problem is way too much hat jealousy in our shul.
Many people had a problem with the rabbi calling people Achi. They had a private meeting with the rabbi. It was an intervention. They had to remind him that he was the rabbi. They also said he couldn't go by Tzachi. When he asked if he could go by Chuck, the intervention team said no. The rabbi insisted that Chuck is an Achi kind of name. It didn't work. The congregants insisted their rabbi be somebody who is not personable. Somebody they could look at and say, "He is not my friend."
They also told the rabbi that he shouldn't support people's gambling addiction, even if it makes the shul money.

Thanks to the rabbi, the day school folded. It turns out the rabbi is a bitter baseball card collector. He was mad the Gabai stopped giving him cards.

People argued that if the casino is in the shul, it should be fine to take people’s money with slot machines. To which the board felt like they were onto something and decided to open a non-for-profit casino. The idea had every happy, knowing that the electric bill would finally be paid. And they all agreed that gambling is wrong, and for that reason, betting that Harry would pay his dues was Asur.
Huge arguments were had, until it was decided that slot machines do belong in shul, as people pray at them. 
In the end, the rabbi agreed that we can restart the shul bingo night.
Thank Gd for heat and Bingo.

The rabbi turned Bingo into the most religious experience anybody in our shul has ever had.
And now we know how to get all Jews to love Gd. Adults is Bingo. Kids is Barbie and cards. And the women's section is to throw out Melanie and Fran's hats.

The rabbi's new Kiruv through Cards program is revolutionary. Many shuls are now opting for this over NCSY. 
All the kids are into collectibles. To quote the rabbi: "Making Frum kids is more important than charity." And for this reason, all money that was given to the shul for the Toys for Tots drive was used to purchase cards for the children of our shul. Who are now much happier than the poor kids.
Our congregants are also into collecting Barbies. Records. Matchbox cars. How you light a cigarette with those cars, I still can’t figure out. The shul has planned collectibles show for Gd.
Between us, I don't know if it's collectibles or the fact that nobody in our shul likes to throw stuff out. The kids at our shul are now a bunch of hoarders.

So, Bingo is Mutar. The only Jewish tradition our community keeps. Shabbat. Not so much. But the casino night and Bingo.
The Psak of the rabbi is that it is all fine if the money is going to the shul. They also had a shul person auction. Mutar to auction off people for the shul.
Being casino night was banned by the local casino, with concern that money coming out of slot machines would be used for something positive, we are back to simple Bingo night. And to this day, all religious communities agree that Bingo is for religious people. "People of Gd play Bingo."
Plans were in for Bingo night. After hearing they had to volunteer, the congregants voted to ban bingo night.
It’s on the schedule, so now the crowd comes, runs it themselves. Basically, the congregants come and play the game. Best social event the shul has ever had.
It turns out that since the congregants started playing the Bingo, they've been calling more Bingo wins than ever before. The congregants come to shul, smoke and take the shul’s money. And they still don't pay dues.
I have suggested that having Bingo in the shul may not be the greatest idea. My membership was revoked. The Bingo Committee said that all members of the shul should be fine with indoor cigarettes and to not be party poopers. One time, they called for Mincha Minyin during the full card play. Everybody booed the Gabai and said he was a bad Jew.
I am happy to see that our shul is connecting to one great Jewish tradition.

Bingo in the Gaonic Period was a meaningful class. It was so inspirational to hear how Rav Sadia Gaon shouted "Bingo," which inspired a whole town to return in Teshuva.

Announcements
We had a Minyin for Shacharit on Tuesday this week. The rabbi wants to thank H’ for the miracle. Even with our congregants, we had a Minyin. People showed up to shul.
 
We want to thank Baruch for not letting us know he was alone for Thanksgiving. Everybody would’ve felt bad. We would rather you be pathetic and lonely, and not have to know about it. Nobody needs a damper on their Simcha.
The congregation wants you to know that we all hope you enjoyed the pumpkin pie they were selling for lonely people at Walmart.
 
The rabbi’s Psak is that people aren’t allowed to post their workouts anymore. Nobody needs to know how out of shape our membership is.
And no advertising marathons for donations. Though, we understand people need to run after Thanksgiving.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: What a Shul Looks Like with A Minyin- A Field Trip to Another Shul. What Holiday Meals Look Like When Cooking for Yourself- With Baruch and Nobody Else (follow-up class with Baruch will be How to Deal with Depression and Loneliness with Congregants That Don't Care). How to Get More Out of Shape by Working Out- An Exercise Class Given by Our Congregants.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yaakov asks for freedom. He wants out with his wives and kids. Kind of like the way I want out of dealing with this board... I understand that the Mr. Markowitz celebrates being single as freedom. But I can't support running away from your family... Yaakov wants freedom for his family. Now, I think we're all on the same page. He's not free, but his family is. Is that OK, Bernie? Can I go on?... I'm sorry I misspoke. I understand marriage is very painful. 

(Bereishit 30:27) Lavan says to Yaakov, “If I have found favor in your eyes, I have learned from divination that H’ has blessed me due to you.” Is he curing him? Then why the “you” at the end? It sounds like a curse... Even if it's a blessing, it's a curse. 
Then the "favor in your eyes" line. Trying to work Yaakov to get something. We all use it. Buttering him up. My kids use that all the time when they want ice cream... They're biblical children...
He needed divination. Lavan needs divine inspiration to realize he is blessed on account of Yaakov. It’s apparent. But he needs divine help to see it.
You need divine inspiration to realize what I have done for you guys... Because you don’t appreciate. Let me enlighten. Why have we cancelled the shul softball team? Which is an embarrassment, with the out of shape congregants... Why has this shul lost members? Why are there fewer annoying people telling jokes at Kiddish? Because of your rabbi.
Can I get away for winter vacation?! That’s all I want. Florida... If you appreciated me, you would let me go...

We can appreciate the Duadim. But can we appreciate what others do for us. Everybody loves Dudaim. Who doesn’t. I want one of those every day.
It doesn’t take divination to realize some stuff is messed up. To realize there is some stuff here that Dudaim cannot help. Some stuff that is not appreciated, and for good reason... We have a Chazin...

And you need the divine inspiration to appreciate. To appreciate H's blessings...
There was no Minyin. We were about to do the Amidah. Then, they showed, before we started the Amidah. A miracle. Was it Gd stepping in, or Pinchas twenty minutes late?... I consider every time we get a Minyin to be a miracle here. But this was a Nes Nistar. A hidden miracle. Kind of like when I don’t see congregants for a few months.
Do we appreciate the miracles?! On Chanukah there are miracles we can see. What I do for the shul, you can see...

And it's due to you and your selfish unYaakov like focus that Baruch had nowhere to go on Thanksgiving... No divine inspiration in your kindness. No holiday miracle...
So, nobody invited Baruch. You feel better feeling bad and enjoying not having to see him.
The idea is to not have to think about others at their Simchas and holidays?! I get it. This is why most of you don't do Pesach Seders, or put out a decent Kiddish for your daughter's Bat Mitzvah... Worst Kugel ever, Brian!!! You should be ashamed. Shame!!! Not even Dudaim. The Dudaim were about care... Well dude.
Bracha comes when you concern yourself with others. Just as Yaakov concerned himself with doing proper work... I'm not saying Bracha Rabinowitz. Blessing. Something good...
Baruch. You didn't miss out on anything. Just some turkey that was made in an oven. And other food that was not served in plastic containers...

Giving to your exercise is not what I'm talking about. How about if people donate to the shul, then they can donate to your marathon... What is the cause anyways? We know you're out of shape. We saw the pictures... I understand it costs money to run a marathon. Do people not pay for anything anymore?! I know they don't pay their dues or sponsor a decent Kiddish. One with a potato Kugel that has some oil in it... Your daughter's potato Kugel was a shanda...
Why is everybody posting their workout? Every out of shape person. Every congregant... I get the in-shape people on TikTok... Then post your workout in your sweater. I'm watching people working out showing how they let themselves go...
I don't appreciate your workouts. You lifting weights is not something anybody needs to see. I don't have to see how out of shape my congregants are. I see how they eat at Kiddish. Svetlana will not get a Shidduch like this... I am not out of shape shaming. I am posting your workouts shaming...
Dudaim cannot help your workouts on social media. I didn't need divine inspiration to know that.
This is the reason for Tznyut. Because of your out of shape selves. It’s like you’re always posting before pictures...
And then marathons now. We have to sponsor Rachel?!... We should have an out of shape marathon team that hasn't trained. Svetlana and Michael can lead the team. They can post it on the shul's Facebook group. And people will donate money after seeing how much help our community needs to get in better shape...
Yaakov was in good shape. And his Bracha was that he didn't have to see your posts...

It's about giving, and you all seem to only give when H' steps in. You are not Tzadikim like Yaakov. Like Lavan...
Do we need Dudaim when we have love?! When we have a nice vacation. A good getaway. Dudaim are great. When your congregation lets you go to Florida for the winter... Some Dudaim would really hit the spot right now.
It's not Dudaim. It's about seeing the Bracha. 
Sometimes H' needs to step in. Like Rachel, the Dudadim may help you feel better. But it is only Gd that grants the blessing of seeing the Bracha. 
May we be blessed to not need Dudaim for blessing. Just less members. Less pictures of out of shape congregants working out. Less single people, as they are a downer... It's a Psak. May you find favor in our eyes, with modest clothes. Because you are very out of shape.

Yaakov wants to go to Israel. When you appreciate people, you let them go. Which is why I am going to Florida for a couple months... Still keeping the job. Paid.

Rivka's Rundown
And still, nobody knows what Dudaim are.

Again, the rabbi uses the sermon to get more days off. He turned the Yaakov blessings into him deserving an all-expense paid trip to Florida. Nothing about Israel. This isn't Yaakov leaving for reasons such as family. This is for a perk. The rabbi used the Jewish people's call of "let my people go" for his vacation down to Florida.

The rabbi is correct. Any "you" at the end of a sentence sounds like a curse. Very offensive. I'm going to stop saying "bless you." It sounds nasty. From now on it's, "You should be blessed."

Us getting a Minyin. That was inspirational. It was like a rebbe story. One of miracles. No Minyin and then a Minyin.
People in our shul now believe in H’. If Shloimi can wake up for Minyin, anything is possible.

The upshot is it's selfish of Baruch to be alone.
Nobody needs to know you ate alone. That ruins other people enjoying themselves. Keep that to yourself too. 
Our congregants are so selfish. They actually asked if Baruch had dinner, just to find out how pathetic he really is. Not to invite him.
He should've lied and said he ate with people. Him eating alone made me feel bad. I'm sorry. It's sad when you have to buy a pumpkin pie at Walmart to celebrate the holiday. And then you have to budget and buy the small, personal size one. Such a Rachmanis. Wow. I'm happy I was able to say he's a Rachmanis. Feels like I did my part. Just saying he's pathetic makes me feel better.
The congregants truly do not want to help. Ever. Never visit the older members of the shul.

I had never seen the rabbi so animatedly angry as with Brian and that potato Kugel. Not even the bad egg salad got him that mad. And a good egg salad with potato Kugel is a Mechaya.
I once had cheese with potato Kugel. Melted right on it. That was Olam Haba. Sometimes you have to share inspirational stories. There was no Minyin that day. But it was a good potato Kugel. Maybe I should share that story with Baruch. Might inspire him knowing I enjoyed myself.

The rabbi made it clear. Not one in shape congregant. I believe that was the message.
That was the best argument for Tzniyut ever given.
They workout once and all the sudden it’s their profile picture. It's getting annoying. They have to stop putting up pictures. The most positive thing is where they put up a family picture and I want to smack them for being happy.

It really is getting annoying. And then Rachel did a marathon and we have to sponsor it. Had to advertise her marathon. If Rachel would work a little more, and stop running, she would be able to afford paying for her marathon.

Announcements
We figured out who was stealing from Kiddish. It was Francine. And we are proud of our security team for taking her down and tackling her with rugulach in hand.
We want to thank our investigative team for noticing the member walking out with a shopping trolley full of Latkas Bakery baked goods. Why she took the egg salad is still a question nobody can answer. It tastes disgusting.
 
We are asking our congregants to smile. As we’re working on membership retention, we ask everybody to look as if they want to be at shul. We don’t believe there has been a look of non-anger coming from Pinchas since the guy has joined the shul.
 
People have been asking about the Thanksgiving menu. To celebrate America, the shul’s Thanksgiving dinner will consist of Kugel, borscht and Kishka. And pastrami.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Spot a Thief with a Granny Cart Full of Food- Discoveries in Detective Work by Our Shul's Security Task Force. How to Smile- How to Make it Look Like You’re Not Angry at Everybody at Shul. How to Smile Part Two- Joining Another Shul. What Makes a Food American- Our Congregants and Their Understanding of American Cuisine.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
After kicking him out, Avimelech comes to show Yitzchak some love, because Yitzchak has money... If you want people to love you, you need money. (Bereishit 26:28) Avimelech and his friends say, “We see that H’ is with you. And we said, ‘Let the oath between us be between us and you, and let’s make a covenant...” When you have money, you get covenants. Nobody is making a covenant with Chaim, who hasn't paid his dues... Here's a covenant. We'll call it paying your membership. 
Yitzchak rightfully asked (Bereishit 26:27) “Why have you come? You all hate me, and you sent me out.” Sounds like dealing with our neighbors in the Middle East and our board meetings...

But they go on and they tell us the truth of anti-Semites... Not that they think Jews can’t play basketball. (Bereishit 26:29) They continue, “If you do with us evil... Just as we haven’t molested you, and as we have done with you only good and sent you away in peace. Now you blessed of Gd.” That’s the kindness of an anti-Semite. "Well thank you for not molesting me.” If they do everything but kill you. Pogroms, forcing us from our homes, calling us cheap, congregants... You are cheap... You can be loved if you are a good Jew who does Mitzvahs too. Sometimes...
Sending away in peace means sending you off without molesting you. That’s kindness.

Sometimes it’s what they do to our land. They take our wells. As if that’s an act of kindness. When it comes to Jews, they're doing kindness. “We didn’t kill you. We just took all of your stuff.”
They want to hurt us... The only reason why not is a covenant with Avraham. They want that blessing of Gd. It’s hard to hate Jews, unless if you’re a member of our congregation.
And Avimelech doesn't even see it as antisemitism. It's accepted. It's normal. Like people showing up late to Minyin...

Avimelech sees the blessing of Gd. Where do the Jews see the Bracha? It is Rechovot where we see the blessing. (Bereishit 26:22) “For now H’ has made expanded space for us, and we can be fruitful in the land.” Rachav. Expanded.
Only once we have that space, can we be fruitful.
They were able to make a well there.
Let’s focus on our Bracha... That didn’t happen. Let’s focus on why we have no Bracha. No wells.
No Bracha in this shul. Absolutely no space. Those new joint chair shtenders. No arm room. Got Matt right behind you, breathing on you... Oh. He uses Crest. Did not know. Thank you, Shlomo. Crest is a blessing sometimes. Count your blessings.

They focus is us. Our focus is a place to serve Gd...
Only loving us when we are successful. Sounds like what Israel and our people deal with every day. But our shul is not successful. We don’t have cattle and herds. I don’t see a well anywhere in our community, or a feeding trough... All I see is people gorging at Kiddish... When people like and appreciate us here in Topeka, they are truly lovers of Jews. We must accept them.
But we need that blessing of expanded space. That is what we need for antisemitism to come to us and to want to be friends.
We know our enemies. Every committee in this shul... But Yitzchak’s focus is his Bracha for his people. Space. Not money. Space to do Mitzvot. To not steal our wells...

We found the perpetrators of the Kiddish thievery. Our own Philistines...
Stealing the egg salad is not a crime. That stuff is disgusting. If somebody walked into Shlomo’s house and took his clothes, that would not be stealing. That would be doing him and his wife a favor. They’re disgusting... A three-piece tweed. Tweed, Shlomo. Who wears tweed?! How do you have space for tweed?!... Not a blessing from Gd. Nobody likes people in tweed...
It was a granny cart. In shul. On Shabbis. It doesn't take a security team to figure this out. And no need to take Francine down. She's ninety-three.
If you figured out who was making the disgusting egg salad, that would be something to figure out. An investigation... They think they're Dragnet. "There's been an assault on the leftover herring."

Our Bracha comes from goodness. Greet everybody with a nice countenance... That’s not me. That’s Pirkei Avot. A nice countenance is what I don’t see here.
Nobody in this shul smiles. Like you’re mad to see people at shul. You come here and it looks like you’re taking care of your kids... You can't have a quorum of just yourself. That's not how quorums work. Bernie.
You chase people away. It looks like you want to kill them. And I can understand. Even with all the Bracha, with egg salad like that... The eggs chase people away from the shul.
Nobody can smile after they eat the Kiddish egg salad...

And when we have the Bracha, we celebrate. We make a covenant...
How we celebrate Thanksgiving is messed up. With deli. Like the Pilgrims descended on the Lower East Side... How is Kishka American?!...
Pastrami is not American. It’s deli... Delis in America do have it. Pizza is American... I was joking. Pasta and pizza are not American. Neither is chicken curry... I know Americans eat it. But...
Like the first words spoken in America were “Oy!”
The pilgrims weren't kicked out by Avimelech... They were fleeing the British. That's why they changed it from salt beef to corned beef. And that is why we eat Kosher Reuben sandwiches on Thanksgiving...

We should be blessed to build a well. To be in Rechovot. To be In Be’er Sheva. To antisemitism...
And this is why the Kansas City Chiefs lost last week. No Bracha. I think we’ll get blamed for that.

Are we looking for Bracha or love?! You will never get love here... Because our congregants are all broke. With messed up egg salad.
But we may find Bracha. If the members would give Sadie a little more room for her arms. These new chairs...
Shalom!!! Peace!!!

Rivka's Rundown
So now we know about antisemitism. And our congregants are the reason.
They're only nice to us when we're successful. That's why the nonJewish community here hates us.
But then they hate us when we're successful. We just can't be successful around them or not around them. It's confusing. I think it's like the rabbi said. It's because of Bernie.

The Christian inspirational speakers preach about money, and that is how they're blessed. Our rabbi speaks of people staying away from him and giving him space.

When the rabbi said count your blessings, people started actually counting. They thought it was a task.
We have no Bracha because the chairs in our shul are too small. This was the first time I ever heard the rabbi advocate for pews.

Shlomo sits in front of Matt. That's how he knows he uses Crest. The rabbi went off on him for not using Tiadent on Shabbis. The reason being that Tiadent is so potent, it kills all germs and makes it hard to talk. Which the rabbi feels is a blessing.
The rabbi pulled Baruch aside at Kiddish and let him know women might like him if he used Tiadent. Nothing about cologne. Just Tiadent. The rabbi had to explain that cologne in the mouth does not taste good.

It turns out they were using water in the egg salad. Water and cumin. Water makes cumin taste worse. A discovery made by our congregants. In Argentina, they came on dolce de leche by accident. In our shul, the sisterhood came on another bad recipe.

We had some detective work going on with the Kiddish thief fiasco. People stuck around after Kiddish last week to see what happened. They figured it out. It was Francine. The janitor took some too. He was the culprit, and he downed some of the gefilte fish. We all know.
The crazy thing is that they threw out the stuff they didn’t want. Who doesn't like the bottom of a babka?! It's the best part. Crystalized sugar with cinnamon. Amazing. If you have any taste, you smuggle the babka bits. And to be honest, that was very bothersome.
This week, Francine still snuck food out in her purse. This is why we don’t allow purses at shul. And we also know our congregants aren't giving donations.
Figuring out who was eating at Kiddish is the greatest piece of security work our Congregants on Patrol Security Force has done. They are taking a lot of pride in taking down a ninety-year-old who's hungry.
They had a celebration for their first sting operation.
​
Shlomo’s style is off with the tweed. He can also use a barber.
Lashon Hara is wrong. But we are helping Shlomo here. Everybody knows, so it’s not Lashon Hara. And that is why people have been meeting up to discuss Shlomo's life all week. 
It's nice that the shul is coming together to talk about how Shlomo is such a Yutz, and how they want to help him. And everybody talked, and catch this, now everybody thinks Shlomo is a Yutz. And that is how our community helps people.

Thanksgiving at our shul is a great way to celebrate European cuisine.
I didn't understand that corned beef is salt beef. The Puritans protested by using corn for everything. That was their protest against Britain. Now we know the reason for bourbon. 

The class on smiling was just awkward. Getting these people to smile is more painful than sitting next to Sadie. It was even more painful than having to look at Shlomo's tweed.
The most forced thing I ever saw. Fran smiling. I had nightmares. Our congregants smiling is not a Bracha.

Announcements
We’re having a blood drive. We don’t know where the blood drive will be. Due to the Red Cross' stance on Israel, members are worried the blood will be earmarked to terrorists. The board discussed it, and they’re trying to figure out if lives should be saved. The board definitely does not help the shul.
 
There is a Kiddish thief going around after Kiddish, or a fool who is throwing out the pastries. Are they being stolen and taken home by somebody who is enjoying local baked goods from Latkas, at five times the price of Stella D’oros. Please call the office with any leads.
 
Please make your decision as to whether you want a Mishebeyrach blessing for your relatives before your Aliyah. If the Gabai starts the blessing, we will consider it a business transaction and charge you. Even if you back out.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Feel Good About Not Saving Lives - A Congregation of People Who Has Anti-Blood Drives. How One Can Steal Food That Has Been Given to Them for Free- The Case of the Kiddish Burglar. Mekach Taot and How Our Gabai Sells Aliyahs Under False Pretenses. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Avraham tells Eliezer to find his son a wife... Not from Canaan, Bernie. Everybody knows you don't take a Canaanite wife. There's something off with the Canaan girls. You marry one of those, you're marrying their family. Very annoying mother-in-laws. They even have jokes about them. "Take my Canaanite mother-in-law, please"...
Eliezer was sent to find a girl from Avraham's family. Avraham says she also has to move to them. And people say Chaim is picky.
Eliezer goes on the mission and finds a good woman. Rivka... She happens to be the sister of Lavan. Don't blame her for her brother. It's not one of the Lefkowitz kids.
Lavan sees that Eliezer has money, and like Baruch, he goes over to welcome Eliezer and offers him food... Baruch. You only talk to people who have a gold collar on their Tallis. Oh!!! That was a good one. That was a zinger... I'm just telling the story. Can I continue...
(Bereishit 24:33) Eliezer insisted to not eat or drink until he spoke his word of Rivka and how he asked Gd, Who answered his prayer. He wants to know if Rivka is going to go with him to Israel... I know Israel doesn't exist yet. But it does. I have to deal with Jew haters right in the middle of my sermon. I don't even live in Israel and they are protesting me... The mission comes first to Eliezer. He doesn't want anything to get in the way. Lies happen when people try to butter things up with small talk and food. Which is why the board meetings always have refreshments... 
Did you ever have a business meeting with Mechanic? No food. Exactly. It's clear they're ripping you off.
Let's not let food cloud our judgment.

Eliezer recounts the story. Eliezer wants it to be known that Rivka is a good person... He doesn’t just look at "her figure," Chaim. You sicko. He's not shallow. Who even uses that language anymore?... Other than the Shadchans at our shul.
She brings the camels water too. That's all he wanted to know. That she thought about other living beings. Didn't need somebody telling her what to do to be kind... You guys need a sermon.
When speaking of the experience with Rivka at the well... Yes. That's how you fall in love Chaim. At wells. Eliezer says, (Bereishit 24:46) vAysht "And I drank." The same word for drinking here is the word for a wife. The one who cares. A true Eisheit Chayil worries about people's wellbeing. Their life. Water. They think about others. They ask why the Chazin takes so long. Why does shul have to be so painful?!...

Hearing this, Lavan gives in. He understands it’s the word of Gd... Hearing about Rivka and how she acted. Not about our Chazin and messed up Gabai who still can't figure out how to call up the right person... It's a Simcha, Shmuel. You call up a family member... A family member of the people celebrating. It's not hard. The fact I have to tell you is because you're not a Rivka...
Lavan then says, (Bereishit 24:50) “We can say to you neither bad or good.” He knew at that moment Rivka must go.
When it’s Midot, it’s Gd’s word. When it's Mitzvot, it's Gd's word. When it’s Gd's word, it’s not good or bad. It’s right. You do it. What is bad is our membership. Which is why I don't listen to the board or take requests... The back left of the shul. All the sinners want Kiddish right now.
Our first responsibility is making sure we take care of what Gd wants. After that we can eat... We are not going to Kiddish until this sermon is over.

Don’t let money and food get in the way of what is right... And I know our congregants are very good at not giving donations.

Let's not butter things up. Let's just get into it. For Gd.
What is Gd's mission? And if it is from Gd, it is, let's do it...

Not knowing where the blood drive will be is not a safety concern. The Red Cross are a bunch of terrorists. We don’t support terrorism. Therefore, we don’t give blood... 
We give blood to the Red Cross, next thing you now, they’re hiding Jewish bodies with it... They will use it to shoot bombs into Israel. Very good point, Hadasa. Finally, somebody in this congregation says something that makes sense. They will be shooting blood over from Gaza and Yehuda Shomron... Blood bombs. The bloodiest type of bombs.
The Red Cross offers us gifts. Before we get the gifts, we have to understand if it’s proper to give blood. We all love the towel with the red cross. Love it. Excellent thread count. Get the bag. Maybe you get that Amazon $10 gift certificate. Makes you feel good. Ten dollars off on fabric softener. And then they try to kill you... Saving lives is important. Giving blood is very important. Sometimes. I am not sure... Well I don't know where else to give.
I understand these questions aren't comfortable. Which is why we deal with them like Eliezer, before we eat with the Reshaim...

Kiddish is important. And the sisterhood feeds you without you asking. The only righteous people in the shul... Because they force-feed you. That's what Rivka would've done.
But what is the mission? With our membership, where is the holiness? And where is the food. Last week there was no leftovers. But there was leftovers. What has happened to the Kiddish food from the Bat Mitzvah? Are people throwing it out, or taking it?! Does our shul have a bunch of Kiddish thieves?... Let us deal with it before we eat. You don't eat with sinners. You first work through the issues. In other words, our membership...
Who throws out the pastries from Kiddish?! Who is taking all of the food?! Which one is it?!
Latkas Bakery is expensive. We know it. One cookie is a full Stella D’oro sleeve. And they deserve that at Shalishudis... Yes. That was the discussion at the third Shabbat meal, at shul. They couldn't figure it out. Yet, I know that nobody would do Bal Tashchis to Latkas baked goods. They're too expensive to throw out...
We will get to Kiddish. But you can’t eat if people are stealing and not following Gd’s word.
Let’s first find the Danish cookie thieves. Taking black and white cookies.
The real question is who would buy from Latkas when you can take it from the shul...

The board can help. If they stay away from the shul, they will be very helpful...

We need commitment from people. You decide what is right and do it... Because H' said so. That means that if you decide a Bracha is correct, you go with it. Even Lavan would do that...
MidBracha you backed out. You basically said, “I don’t care about my family that much. For anything more than a dollar their memory should be for a curse”... I understand you weren’t in the will. But it’s a matter of our responsibilities.
Know what you are getting into. Then you do it. And then you feel decent about yourself and eat... You're not hungry, because you're a sinner, and you are not following in Gd's ways.

Eliezer took responsibility first. Wasn’t going to eat until he knew if Rivka would be a wife to Yitzchak.
In life. We have to take responsibility. That means not throwing out Kiddish pastry... Because it’s good.
And giving blood is important. And there is a responsibility to not give to the Red Cross.
And if we don’t first take responsibility, we can’t eat...

But he drank right away with Rivka. When she offered him the drink, he took it right away. Because she was a Tzadeiket. When it comes to Tzadikim, you don't have to wait for a conversation to drink. You can drink right away... For health reasons, drinking right away is also important. Why Eliezer was traveling without a canteen is an excellent question. A water bottle would've been called for.
When you're with a Tzadik the mission is complete. You know Gd is already there. You can eat and drink with them. It's already holy. With a Rasha, like one of our congregants, you have to first talk Torah. You're not sure Torah and Gd will make its way in, unless you do that first. Which is why I have to give the Drasha before Kiddish every Shabbat. And this is why I don't eat at your Simchas... And I don't trust the Hashgacha.
With Reshaim you need Tanaim. You need stipulations. Like Gd. Which is why we have Mishebeyrach agreements. Which is why we have to put together blood drives... Because you people wouldn't donate a thing without it.
A Tzadik truly cares. They make sure you drink. And they want nothing in return. You already know you're with the right person. There is no need to know anything else. You marry that, Chaim. You have a relationship with that...
Whatever you do, make sure Gd is there. And I don't think Gd is stealing Kiddishes.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi went off on Canaanites. Many of the more liberal congregants were very mad. They found it offensive on behalf of their Canaanite friends.

To be clear, the rabbi was talking about Rivka Imanu. Though, he knows I'm a Tzadeket, as I do help out the sisterhood. And I do force Kugel on people. I am in their face if they finished their Lukshen Kugel, scooping it onto their plate.

After the sermon, the board reminded the rabbi that they can fire him. So, he agreed to give classes and talk to the membership again. His contract said that even if it's not Gd's word, he still has to listen to the members complain about how they messed up.

"Because H' said so." You can't argue with that.

I think the rabbi just doesn’t like giving blood. That was the reason for the Drasha. It makes him woozy.

We are the only congregation that put together a program to not give blood. We held a blood drive pass-by. A blood donation protest. And yet we are a pro-life congregation.
So, now we don’t help save lives, because of terrorist blood banks. The Red Cross supports the West Bank and Terrorist Blood Banks.
In the middle of the week the congregation changed its mind and decided that giving blood was important again. Nobody said "important again," as they would've been branded as Trump supporters. Even though they support Trump, they said that being called a Trump supporter is a curse.
The rabbi didn’t know about the hospitals. There was a lot of discussion in our shul, as people don’t want to learn Torah. They feel the Mitzvah they can do is giving blood. So, we had our drive at the hospital. We filled up the emergency waiting room. Just to get a person into the drive took two hours of waiting. We are going to try to get an ICU waiting room next time. The emergency room moves real slow. One guy had blood flying out of his arm. They had him waiting three hours in the ER. They should’ve used his blood for donations. Somebody should be in the emergency room taking blood to give to people.
The ER is for very slow emergencies. Like for slow emergency death. They're very helpful when you have a good half a day to wait for your emergency. They have the waiting part down. 
The rabbi acquiesced that giving blood is a big Mitzvah if they’re not using it to kill Jews. We have to give blood. Saving lives is a Mitzvah. A huge one.

Somebody took the Kiddish leftovers. Everybody knows, Kiddish leftovers are from Shalishudis. One idiot asked, "Aren't you supposed to throw out stuff that was taken out of the kitchen?" This isn't a restaurant. This is shul nobody cares about health. We also donate that stuff. Out of the kitchen ten times, that's when the food kitchen gets it.
Nothing to eat at Shalishudis is a crisis. The Kiddish cookie fiasco was messed up. They had some food at Shalishudis, but no cookies, and no egg salad. By the way, the egg salad is still disgusting. The sisterhood still can't figure out how to sprinkle salt. For some reason, even with the extra salt I pour on, it tastes disgusting. The egg salad is a curse, and I think it's because we have a lot of sinners at shul.
Some people think you don't need that much for Shalishudis in the winter. With short Shabbat, they finish lunch at 3:30pm, and they are hungry at 4:40pm. It's over an hour. They need the food.

The case of the Kiddish Pastry Thief is a real thing. The office got a lead on Ephraim who put on eight pounds. They're checking into it, and forced him to come for a daily weigh in before Shacharit. To make it clear, this was not a boxing match, he kept on his clothes.

He went up for family Mishebeyrach for a dead relative. Might have been the Kel Maleh. The rabbi put in “in order that he will give Tzedakah.” Right there, he took back the blessing. Got mad at the rabbi, and yelled, “You threw that on me. That was a Bracha and switch."

I am no giving blood to the Red Cross. I know they're earmarking it for terror. Terrorist blood.

Announcements
We ask people not offend the religion and culture of others. Based on the nonreligious members of our congregation and what they dressed as for Halloween, it would appear that our community is full of a bunch of racists. 
Please note, though are members are idiots, not all Asians are from the Han dynasty.
 
We have a Canadian that just moved here to get away from antisemitism. We want to commend them on not making Aliyah and taking a chance with their life. Welcome to Topeka.
 
The shul now has Takana decree weddings and Bar or Bat Mitzvahs. Brisses too. Now the most expensive thing at the Simchas is the gifts. The rabbi figured you guys are already very cheap with your gifts. Giving eighteen dollars.
Point is, you still have to pay your dues. There are no Takana dues. Just members we don't like.
 
We are celebrating Mark’s fifty-fourth birthday. How that’s a celebration is beyond us. The office discussed it and we still can’t figure out how that’s something to celebrate. But we have to announce it.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin a Holiday- How Our Congregants Ruining Halloween By Dressing as Themselves and Scaring People. Why It's Asur to Live in Canada and How Maple Syrup Can Be Found in America. When Takana Simchas Go Too Far- Decree Parties and How The Hundred-and-Fifty-Dollar Band Did Not Practice. Why Nobody Wanted to Celebrate Mark's Fifty-Fourth.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lot has to leave Sedom. He asks to flee to a city where he can be accepted as a decent man... In Birmingham, nobody would like you. Stop that Fruma. Nobody would like you there... You have one friend here. And they think you’re a sinner... Lot doesn’t want to go to the mountain. It’s too much... The angels concede, don't make Lot go to the mountain, and don’t destroy this city that Lot wants to go to. Not everything has to be a fight, Freida...

(Bereishit 19:22) And the angel says to Lot, “Hurry. Flee there. Because I can’t do the thing until you are there...” When has anybody here ever rushed for anything. Waiting for you guys to get an Aliyah is the most painful... And then your Mishebeyrachs. You guys get up there with lists. How many times have you heard me say, “Hurry. Finish your Mishebeyrach. Nobody cares about your family. We can’t do the thing until you finish”?... The “thing” is Musaf. And then the Chazin takes his time.
Move. Sometimes you have to move. Or we can’t get things done... The angels had to destroy Sedom and Amorah... I can't tell you why there's a "G" in Amorah, Alex...

And you guys are in the way​. Like right now. You're in the way of an amazing sermon. Felvel and Sadie, and Rivka, are taking it in. But you all are also here...
Sometimes you can't get stuff done when congregants are in the way. Like trying to wash the Kohen's hands for Duchening... We had to hold off on the High Holiday priestly blessings because congregants were in the way of the washing station... Yisraels can wash in the bathroom. During Musaf, when we're trying to get the Kohens up to the Bima, to do the Birkat Kohanim, so we can finally leave shul... 
You guys hold things back. Good stuff... You fleeing to Birmingham would be appreciated...

We can’t fix it if you don’t get out of the way. This is why we never get anything done. This is why there is still a leak. Bernie just sits there. Why you don't move your seat when there is a leak right above it... Hurry. Flee, Bernie.

Where do you flee to?
Lot wants to thrive. Where can you thrive? Lot thrives where people aren't that good. Which is why our congregation flourishes... Not Birmingham. Here. If you moved faster. If hustled a hustle a bit, here...
You move slow and you ruin everything. The Chazin knows he’s annoying. Which is why he goes slow...
If you got out of the way, at least the shul could thrive. If you hustled out of the way.
Don't think. When you think, bad things happen. That's how we ended up with a board. And that is why we’re stuck here in Topeka... Lot thought and it slowed everybody down. His wife starts to think. Looks back. She turns to salt. Bad things happen when our congregants don't move... Out of town.

Stop thinking and move faster. When you think, you do dumb stuff, and I can't thrive... I am blaming you.

You thought about what to dress up as for Halloween.
And you dressed as Jews... You are Jews. And you still found a way to offend Jews with your dress... Halloween being Friday night was messed up. Coming home from shul, little kids were asking, “Why are so many people dressed like Jews?! That’s offensive..."
Jews don't do Halloween, unless if they're my congregants... Not just that you're bad Jews.
And then you get dressed up, and you mock other cultures... I also don't think it's fine for our kids to walk around on Purim dressed as Chinese from the Han dynasty. Not all Asians look like that. And the pagans are thinking you have to be real offensive to still be dressing up like that in March... Well. That's how our nonJewish neighbors see it. "The Jews are getting dressed up like Chinese and it's not even Halloween"... On Halloween, global Psak is you can offend people.
Why is your kid wearing shorts in shul? Is he dressed like an Apikores?! Or his dad? Oh!!!
You would've thrived if you realized that Jews don't celebrate pagan holidays... Because they're not Jewish. 
The problem is your thinking. Good Jews think, "We shouldn't do Halloween." You shouldn't think.

Canadians move very slow. Which is why their economy is... The problem there is they think. The police are still trying to figure out if the attack on the shul was an attack.
The congregation was attacked again in Toronto... We don’t live in Canada. Everything will be OK. The problem is Canadians sometimes move to America. And if those are the cops that defunding the police gets us, we will never be able to do the thing... The thing we need to do.
The police are not protecting them there. They're still figuring out if a swastika is a hate crime. The problem is they're thinking too much. 
Let us not be Canadian. Let us not have cops who start committees... Because they're not a congregation. They don't need a committee.
You slow down our shul enough...

It's simple. A Takana Simcha is a party where you can't spend more than a certain amount. It's a decree to make the Simchas more enjoyable by not having a carving station... Because they take too long. 
There is nothing to think about. That's the beautiful thing about the Takana party. It's a set amount...
Mr. Bergman. You can't even do a Takana Bar Mitzvah if you guys don't pay... Yes. You have to pay something. It's not free. It's not a Mamdani Simcha... You don't negotiate a decree. The decree is the amount. You negotiate and we can't do the thing... The thing is the Bar Mitzvah. And we can't do it, because you guys are arguing about the set amount. Which is the set amount that everybody pays... Your enjoyment of haggling is slowing down our community...
The gifts you guys give are real cheap. We should have Takana gifts so you guys will give more. The gift Takana is you can't say eighteen dollars is meaningful... I don't care if it's the numerical number of life. The Takana is it has to be at least double Chai to be meaningful. At least give something people want... Like a pledge you'll move faster with your Mishebeyrachs, and you won't bless every cousin by name. 
The Takana is there make it good for everybody... It’s not a Mamdani thing. It’s not about killing Jews. it’s not a Canadian thing where people get to attack Jews in the name of free healthcare...
Dues are Takana. And you don’t do that. You still have to pay for the hall. Just less. It’s not free... Mamdani did not create this. I can't believe I have Jew haters in my shul... I am annoyed by Jews. My congregants are annoying... Then move to New York. Mamadani may give free Jewish weddings. And that’s how you know he’s an anti-Semite... Everything is free but Jewish day schools and Simchas.

Mark’s fifty-fourth is being celebrated because his wife is paying for it. I hope that answers everybody’s questions. Your questions slow me up. Now, I can finish the sermon... Mark. Nobody would care if your wife didn’t pay. We celebrate birthdays in five-year increments till you’re eighty-five. After eighty-five people care every year, a bit. After ninety. Then people truly care. If you don't reach ninety, people won't even know you died...
Nobody cares about your birthday, Mark. Truly. Nobody cares. We really don't care. Nobody wants to celebrate this thing... Mazel Tov. Because your wife paid for Kiddish... There is no Takana for fifty-fourth birthday, because it's not a Simcha.
Can I finish the Drasha?!...

(Bereishit 19:22) They couldn’t destroy this city Lot was fleeing to... Because Lot was there, Sharon. This is why you people shouldn't be thinking. Because you are idiots. 
“So they called the city Tzoar.” Which means small. It was a small city. Lot was asking to go to small place. A place he could thrive... He did not say Topeka. He specifically did not say Topeka. Nobody thrives in this congregation...
Tzoar was the one surviving city. And he had to be pushed by the angels to go. Even though he requested, he needed a little push. When the world is getting destroyed with fire balls it might be a little stifling. Kind of like having to celebrate a fifty-fourth birthday that makes no sense...
Tzoar also means grief. Pain. When you’re the only one surviving, you feel grief. When you’re the only one who has to deal with a shul of Apikorsim, where people get dressed up for Halloween, you feel grief. There is loss.
When tragedy hits, you get stuck. And you need an angel to help you move forward to your place... This isn't an ad for Visiting Angels. But they're good.

You know when else there is grief. When you have to give these huge gifts at weddings. I never felt so bad at a Simcha till I saw how much my wife spent on the vase... Honey. I don't care if it was on the registry list. Of course it was. Nobody wants to spend that kind of money on a cup for flowers. Why didn't we just buy them a house?! They had that on their registry too, honey...

With all that happened, Lot moved to a place of grief. A place of pain. But he moved. He continued.
It's a pain to have to wait for you to walk up to get an Aliyah. So slow. But we go ahead. Even with the pain of you being a member.
To make it through. Sometimes, you have to move ahead. You have to take action. You have to thrive in some way. You can't let it debilitate you, like the congregation debilitates me... You all hold me back. You're painful.
You don't have to climb a whole mountain. You just have to not mess up the holidays for everybody. Maybe to not force everybody to celebrate every single celebration. Nobody cares that you had another grandchild... We have enough holidays to celebrate... Mark. Max turned ninety-four. Nobody said a thing. We need Takana birthdays. Like no forcing the community to celebrate every one of Mark's birthdays... But there is Kiddish...
Move a little. Move out of town. Go to a place of pain. But go there... Don't get stuck in one spot, or you'll end up having to be the rabbi to the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah...

Say what you want about Lot, but he was self-aware. He knew he was a small-town boy. He wouldn't have joined the board... Because he was Avraham's nephew and he knew he would mess things up.

Rivka's Rundown
Marissa went on a trip to Birmingham. She won't stop talking about it.

The people really do move slow. Everything our membership does is at half speed. Shmuel Baruch pulled out a list of his extended family for the Mishebeyrach blessings. From his hand to his pocket, it took three minutes.

Why Bernie is getting blamed for a leak above his seat that should've been fixed during the week, not explainable. There are other things to blame Bernie for. The rabbi didn't have to focus on the leak. When the rabbi said, "Hurry. Flee. Bernie," he was trying to get rid of him.

I'm happy the rabbi finally brought his wife into the sermon. She deserved a ribbing too. Ever since she paid dues on behalf of the family, she's fair game.

The rabbi said we have to hustle. He got so into the idea of hustling, he said he’s going to coach the shul softball team next year.

On Halloween, they gave the nonJewish kids Paskesz. That's got to be a culture shock. Just hearing "Paskesz" these kids know there's something Jewish about it. There is no more Jewish word than Paskesz.
​I don’t love Paskesz sour sticks. I love Trader Joe’s fish gummies. They taste better. Trader Joe’s gives a good name to the Jews. That's why I give out Trader Joe's gummies for a Jewish Halloween experience.
​Dressing like Jews on Shabbis. It's impressive how they found a way to offend their own people by dressing as them. That’s what non-religious Jews do. They dress as Jews, and it's offensive. 
I'm just offended we have some members that get dressed up for Halloween, but they can't wear a suit to shul.

Canada is bad. Their police need to know too many languages to be effective. Due to French, they're still trying to figure out if breaking windows and doors to a Jewish institution and painting a swastika on a shul are hate crimes.

Due to our rabbi pushing this Takana pay very little idea, we have gotten more congregants. The supporters seem to be the people who don’t like going broke on Simchas. Which I believe is everybody, except for the Hermans, whose daughter is a fan of Miley Cyrus. Bringing Miley Cyrus to a Bat Mitzvah is not in the Takana plan. If they could've just convinced their daughter that Hannah Montana is now forty years old, they might have been able to go the Takana route. It took that little girl years to understand that Hannah is not Jewish.
The rabbi tried the idea of Takana Jewish day schools. Not happening. Nor are Takana dues. Though, with Takana dues we would've gotten a lot more members. And with Takana day school, the day school would've got a lot more students. It turns out that money deters people.
Every wedding is the same. Why pay??? I agree. Keep it cheap. Get it over. Nobody cares about Bracha and Menachem's wedding.

How Simchas are more enjoyable without a carving station, I don't know. I think that's the only issue. Carving stations are a decent argument against Takana Simchas.

I appreciate the rabbi telling us why we’re celebrating a fifty-fourth. It really makes no sense. It’s like celebrating a granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah. Nobody cares. The rabbi made it clear, "it’s the Kiddish."
​Our shul would be much better off announcing Kiddishes and not Simchas. Announcements should be: We are celebrating Mark's Kiddish and the Herman's daughter's Kiddish. There's a birthday and a Bat Mitzvah, but nobody cares.

Announcements
We have decided to change the Congregants on Patrol Security Force (CPSF) to a greeting committee. It has come to our attention that people are not scared of Eileen and Ethel.
 
There are a lot of depressed people at shul. We figure, with the help of CPSF task force and less Davening, people will be happier. To help with this goal of happier people, we’re hoping Ira doesn’t show to shul anymore.
 
The Kiddish cookies and egg salad are disgusting. Just want to let everybody know, your complaints have been heard, and Tova Bracha is not coming to shul anymore.
 
We want to thank Joe for showing up to daily Minyin. We hope your presence has helped you get more plumbing work.
Joe is a great plumber and he paid his membership dues.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Sakant Nifashot and The Importance In Being In Good Enough Shape to Walk to Work Security- Why Ethel May Not Scare an Intruder. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha- The Great Mitzvah to Be Happy And Why It's Important For the Rabbi to Not Have to See the Membership. How to Chase Members Away- The Result of Honest Feedback. How to Get Business By Showing Up to Shul- Our Funeral Director Who Belongs to Every Shul.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Lech Lecha... No Martin. Leave for me. Leave shul for me...

Avraham hears about Lot being taken captive and he goes in. Right away. He goes. He doesn’t think about. He doesn’t have a committee meeting... Because then Lot would’ve died. If the committee met about it, he would've died.
(Bereishit 20:14) “And Avraham heard that his kinsman was taken captive, and he armed his disciples..."
You guys could care less. When Mark was stuck in the bathroom, you all went home. Abandoned him. When Eugene was in the hospital, what did you do? Nothing... Who here thought to arm themselves and rescue him??? Health concerns is not the point here, Bernie. The point is he was in a bed with no Kosher food... He passed away from a, Bernie. And he was a hundred and three...
You don't even think. You guys discuss stuff. But when do you take action?!

Three hundred and eighteen “disciples who had been born his house.” He took them to battle. They didn’t complain. They weren’t congregants. They were disciples... I want disciples. People that are enjoyable to be around.
When it comes to family you run. You do it. You don’t question if we have enough. It's our duty. It's our duty to help... Doing your kid's homework is your duty. That's how they get good grades... And the kids complain when you ask them to take out the trash.
Only three hundred and eighteen... I didn’t say it was a Yeshiva. If he was a Yeshiva he would’ve made other people go to battle for him.

Three hundred and eighteen. That's it. It’s not the numbers. It’s the quality. It’s the heart. Yes. We’ve lost a lot of our membership, because people don’t want to be around you, but where is the heart?!
Heart comes from Avraham, their leader as well. (Bereishit 20:16) “And he returned all the possessions.” All the spoils. He didn't want anything for himself. He was on a mission... What have I gotten from this congregation? Tzaris. 
It was pure. It was of heart... Because they were disciples, they followed their leader. If they were congregants, they would've fired Avraham.

Sometimes you just have to do. And to be inspired to help, you need heart. A pure heart. A heart that says, "I just want to do a Mitzvah"... In your case, Sheloh Lishma Bah Lishma. Just do it because you don't want to, and you might end up being a good person in the end...

Our security team thinks a lot. They see somebody coming to shul. They ask questions. You're not helping the situation. You're making people late for Davening... Sometimes you have to act. When it’s serious, like Malkie pulling Freida’s hair, you jump in and act. And you give back the hair that was Freida’s... You don’t take it as spoils.

You need ability too... That's just a side point. 
Our security team has a lot of heart. No idea what they’re doing, But a lot of heart... You need to be able to move to do security... Ethel. If people can run away, what is the help?!... Your hand shakes when you hold a gun.
What is Eileen going to do in security??? Ask people about their kids? "Where are you from? Who are you visiting? What do you do for a living? Do you need a Shidduch?"... Are you trying to protect the single people from Chaim hitting on them?!...

As greeters, it all makes sense. You should be a Greeter Task Force. The questions are nice questions. It makes the person feel cared for... Without Eileen, I would've said we're an unfriendly shul...
From now on, our Congregants on Patrol Security Force will be there to make people feel welcome... Because the rest of you are depressed and not friendly. You're the least friendly people. Even our security person is nicer to talk to... People feel more welcome in our shul when they're being accused of being terrorists...

You all are depressed. No smiles. CPSF will enforce smiling... Heart. Doing for others. Smiling for others. Thinking of others. 
They’ll also make sure Ira doesn’t talk to you... Talking is important, but not during Davening, Fran... And not during my speech Bernie.
Talking should be done at Kiddish. Where people can't get a decent egg salad anymore.

Here is the security idea. Keep out depressed people. Keep out congregants... It takes heart to smile. To fight the war against our unfriendly congregants...
Eileen is fighting for friendliness. That's a worthwhile fight. We have to join her to help get rid of the shul's president...
Davening is not the problem. You can be happy Davening. Mitzvah Gedolah LeHiyot BSimcha. It's a great Mitzvah to be happy... I understand it's hard when you have a Chazan leading Davening with too much Kavanah... Your connection to Gd through prayer takes too long for us. The tunes are bad enough. Now, you're concentrating on the words!...
Just show up late, Ira. How about that. Just show for Kiddish. Everybody will be happier... And he's still talking. Talking in shul is not right, Ira...

You all come to me with questions... And yes, I do answer them right away. Have I ever done research to help you get an answer? No. Because I want you to have an answer right away. And when Ira asked me if he should come to shul, I said "no." Right away. When the board asked if they should make a decision, I said "no." Right away... It doesn't make a difference. Any decision they make is bad...
You come to me with questions, I answer them. You want to know, who's a good plumber. Use Joe. He shows up to Minyin.
Joe is a good guy. SheLoh Lishma Ba Lishma... Don't judge. You’re not even doing Mitzvot for your own benefit... I get it. You come to Minyin to get a job...

Don’t complain to me about Kiddish. I agree. I’m just happy less people want to stay after shul. The eggs and Danish are disgusting... Tova Bracha's eggs are disgusting. If she can't stand hearing it, that's on her.
And Avraham wanted nothing for himself. He was a giver. He wanted people to be happy. That's what givers do. They jump up to help people. They take pride in their egg salad. They put a little garlic and mayonnaise in it... And we need to help people with decent Kiddishes and smiles. We need more giving to make people feel good. We need Eileen asking questions about their felonious past as single people.
Avraham even gave Malchitzedek Mayser. He tithed his own stuff to Malchitzedek (Bereishit 14:20-24)... Pay your dues. For crying out sake...

Jump in. Get that heart moving. Maybe even get some exercise.
And when you are there. When you are battling, make sure it’s pure. Make sure you’re doing it for the right intentions. Make sure you're thinking of others when you're putting together the salads for Kiddish. And make sure they're not bland...
As a giver, as somebody who does Mitzvahs, Avraham doesn’t deny others a decent Kiddish.

When it's from the heart, you do. You do it for others. You sacrifice for your family. And you live a life of duty. You put your life on the line. You put together a good Kiddish spread... Our security team will not defend anybody at war. They will stay home and relax. For everybody's safety...

Avraham was magnanimous in his act of going to battle. Just like a good Kiddish spread. Just like Eileen asking if you're a felon... Eileen and Ethel taking military action is not a good idea. CPSF has got to calm down. For everybody's safety...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi answers questions from the congregants right away. Like Avraham, running to save Lot. He does no research. He just answers them. No thought. Like Avraham, he's trying to get rid of the Reshaim, the evil people. The congregants.
The rabbi wants disciples. Not congregants. He was talking about opening a Chabad for people who are against Chabad. He likes the idea of people following him, and not asking why he gets to show up late for Davening.
 
How Kiddish is on par with Avraham going to battle to save Lot?! I am trying to understand that part of the sermon. Nonetheless, the message was very meaningful.

In the end, the rabbi put the security team on Mitzvah patrol. He realizes Eileen and Ethel are talented at what they do. Now, if you don’t keep Mitzvahs or if you show up to shul late, they will nag you.
They've decided to stick with the acronym, as it brings more of a philanthropic tone to what they are doing. CPSF sounds like they’re raising money for kids starving in Africa.

I'm not going to lie. Eileen and Ethel as security officers scared me. And it was a committee decision. That's what happens when committees are put in charge of decisions. The ones running it end up making decisions. And those decisions are that they can do stuff. For some reason, they can do stuff nobody would ever hire them for.
The rabbi stepped in with a Psak, and not having Ethel guard the shul was the correct Halachik thing to do. I’m happy about the new idea of having people around who can take security measures when they’re needed. Our congregational team of security people with yelling abilities didn't have me feeling safe. "PLEASE DO NOT ATTACK!!!" That was what we learned in the security course.

I must say, CPSF did have one tricky move. Last week they got friendly with somebody who was trying out the shul. They followed that lady around all day, to make sure she wouldn't steal a Siddur. I've never seen such friendly people before.
I guess they figured that they've chased away a lot of people with conversations during Kiddish. If a terrorist had to deal with the nagging, they would surrender of themselves. Possibly kill themselves, just to get out of the conversation about every single grandchild of Bernice. You use your strengths.
At Kiddish security sat at table with our visitor, who made it clear she was from the other synagogue. Once we found out she was from another synagogue, questions of treason and imposter came up. They asked, "Why would anybody try out our synagogue?" Exactly. An excellent question, which I cannot answer.
Once they found out the visitor was from another shul, they went back to being not friendly and ignoring her. Treating her like everybody else.
The lady from the other shul pulled out her phone. CPSF got on that heinous act. Walkie talkies were going off, "She's got a phone." 
Now they’re helping with depression. And now I have to talk to Eileen every time I go to shul. Eileen has never said Hi to me once in her life, until she became the security person. Now she knows about my grandkids.

Ira is a good guy. But I understand that people don't like to see him. It's weird. If you're part of the shul in-crowd and you're annoying, you're loved. If you're Ira and you show up to shul, and you ask if a seat is open, they hate you and want you ousted from the congregation.
Ira has never been invited to anything. I'm beginning to think I'm in a community full of jerks. Jerks who are nice when they think you're going to attack them.

For happiness reasons, the rabbi actually told people not to come to shul. He felt it would be a happier shul if people just didn’t show. It would be less depressing. To quote, "If the members of this place didn't show, I would find joy in that."

“Cookies and egg salad at Kiddish are not good.” The sisterhood got the message, and Tova Bracha quit the sisterhood. B"H. The cookies at Kiddish are now good. And Latkas Bakery got the message too. They’re now charging the shul twice as much.
Complaint from complainer was heard. B”H. I'm happy. And if Tova Bracha never does Kiddish again, I will be happier.
Lesson: Complain about something and you will lose a congregant.

The rabbi never used Joe, but he knows he’s an excellent plumber because he shows up to Minyin. Turns our Joe paid his dues on condition he gets the announcement about paying the dues.
He only started wearing a Kippah two months ago, so that the membership would think he's honest. He saw our Bahai garage guy wearing a Kippah. That mechanic’s business shot up. Every Christian started using him. "We hate Jews, but we can trust them."
A Kippah and shul membership gains trust. I’m going to tell my tailor to start wearing one. I’m starting to think she’s not cutting my clothes right.

Our funeral director does belong to every shul. I'm amazed at how many people come to shul just to get work. And the rabbi supports it. It's the one thing the rabbi supports. He wants a Minyin no matter what. He even gave a speech about how back in the times of the Gemara the water drawers had their own Minyin. So, Minyin is really about business. Which is why people give very little Tzedakah at Minyin. In our shul, the most they give to charity is a dollar. You give more than that, you might walk out of Minyin without a job and down two dollars. Sometimes they give a ten, just because they need the change. They also took the water drawing lesson quite seriously and started doing the Netilat Yadaim, ritual washing, Halachikly correctly, using the full pitcher cups.
Joe comes for plumbing jobs. Shirel comes to give haircuts. Thank Gd the rabbi hasn't allowed for haircuts in the sanctuary. I show up to shul to see my doctor. When I get seen at shul there's no copay.

Announcements
Winter is coming. We ask people stop coughing again. Samantha coughed the other day. She shouldn’t have. She was wrong for trying to kill everybody. She’s evil. If she ever sneezes, she belongs in Gehenim.
 
People can come back to shul. The holidays are over. There will be no appeals. The shul has given up. We’re going to pray that the congregants at least pay dues. H’ Yishmor. Gd should protect us from our board and renovations.
 
Many people have complained about the Grossmans’ family last week. They hosted the relatives, and the cousins didn’t bring gifts. We want to let everybody know that the Grossmans did give bags of stuff for you to give to their guests that were staying at your homes. That is considered a gift.
 
You missed the Simcha last week. If you didn’t see it in the announcements, it wasn’t there. You missed the celebration.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Cough on People and Feel Fine About It - A Congregation With No Manners. The History of The Hidden Families Who Are Not Seen at Shul - The Hidden Jews of Appeals. What to Expect From Your Guests and The Torah Mitzvah of Hosting People to Get a Bottle of Wine. How To Miss a Simcha With Our Office Staff - A Series in More Announcements They Forgot.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We ruined the world, but Gd orders us to go back and work it... We’re descendants of Noach. And the board has ruined the shul...

After being on the ark for a year, the land is dry and Noach is told to leave the ark. (Bereishit 8:16) H’ tells Noach, “Leave from the ark. You and your wife and your sons and your sons’ wives with you.” Sometimes we have to be told to go out. Leave... No. I mean it. Bernie. You are a disturbance. Every sermon, you talk. Leave...
When you go from the ark, you have to take your wife with you. I think we all understand that Noach might have wanted to run from the kids. Those things can ruin a vacation. Having to deal with them on a ship for that long...
H' had to make it clear to go from the ark. Noach knew what he had to do. H' told him. He had to leave the ark. Mitzvahs are easy. H' tells you what to do. You keep Shabbat... If you believe and are not a heretic like Gideon, it's easy. But when you all come to me with questions like, "Can I at least go on a little trip on Shabbis?" No. You can't. It's Shabbat. It's easy. When you're not trying to weasel your way out...
Only thing complicated is the president of the board. You take direction from her and you're stuck asking what the... Shul is easy. You have an ark, an Aron. That's the command. A Bima... Your ideas ruining shul renovations. You're renovating quilts.
Things aren't clear when you put your "personal touch" touch on it. Because you're selfish.

The land was dry. Noach could've figured it out. It's dry, you can go outside. It wasn't Topeka in the fall. Why didn’t he just go outside?... It was a year. He was used to being inside. Have you seen the pale members of this shul? Been inside for two hours and this is how they look.
We have to be told to go out. Children have to go outside sometimes, or they get chubby like the junior congregants... Paper football is not a way to keep in shape... You don't run in paper football. It's football with a paper towel... When we're stuck. We lose a sense of clarity. We have to be told. And this is why I am telling Bernie to leave... B"H. He let.

Elokim is used here to tell Noach to leave. Elokim, Gd, in his aspect of judgment tells us to leave the ark. Sternness. We need a push. You get stuck. After more than a year of hardship and catastrophe what do you do? After a year of seeing how much renovations can kill a decent looking shul. How much damage a committee can do. You leave that place and you start anew... I am proposing to get out of here, because this place isn’t safe anymore. The committee has ruined the structure of the building... I don't trust Fran and Duvidel with decisions of construction... Duvidel ruined the Sukkah when he touched the screwdriver. He just touched the screwdriver and the Sukkah fell. Didn't even use the screwdriver. His being around tools breaks things...
The foundation of our shul is compromised... I understand you've worked in foundations. But we are not asking donors to reinforce the concrete...

Haamek Davar teaches that to leave the ark, it is the Elokim, Gd who created nature. Not just Gd of judgment. It is Gd who rules over nature.
Gd's aspect of judgement created nature, because it needs order. It needs understanding. It needs people that are not part of our shul to run it right... We must outsource all committees. From now on, all shul committees will be outsourced to non-shul members...
Creativity comes once we first have the sternness. 

We have to be told to work nature. Told to bring out the animals. When overcoming trauma, we need a little push. A promising push. And now that we're overcoming the board, I am giving a little push.
We need a push. We need to be told it's fine to go... And be the ones to take out the animals. We need to be told to have compassion. When we are finally out in nature, we need compassion to continue it. We have to bring the animals with us...
We have to follow in Gd’s ways.

We are now told to come together. To not hurt one another. To not kill. The youth of our shul have to hear this. I have never seen such violent paper football...
People have feared coughing since COVID. You need to be told you can cough. I shall say it. You can cough!
Some of you haven’t coughed in years. You should all be thanking Samantha. Her Yom Kippur cough open the floodgates of COVID. You heard here cough and you started hacking away. Sneezes... All afraid of being deemed evil for sneezing. Now you sneeze... Thanks to Samantha for letting us know, it’s fine...
All afraid of being evil and getting others sick. Shlomo sneezed in his mask. Disgusting Shlomo. Leave the mask...
I for one am happy COVID is over.
Cough deprived. Menachem held it in for 5 years. People haven't been able to chuch without being kicked out of shul. For years. We're here to tell you it's fine. Samantha did the Chesed of letting us know you can chuch... Loudest chuch I've ever heard. Five years of chuching. Now Merv can finally turn a page... He needs to chuch to get out the spittle, so he has the stickiness to turn the page. If I have to explain...
Masks came off, all the sudden these people aged five years. In my shul that's twenty.  You guys look twenty years older. You are being told. "Leave the mask"... You are leaving the masks uglier than I remember them. You guys look better when I can just see the eyes...
Due to Samantha's Chesed and my telling you to leave, you can finally be kind again and visit the sick. Till now, the COVID protocol of Chesed was to stay away from the sick and let them die...
If for nothing. Thank you, Samantha, for giving us that moment of relief. Even if the Finkelwitzs think you're evil for having allergies... And once the masks came off, one or two of you even smiled. Disturbing. But it was a relief.

You can come to shul now. This is something you can do...
I thought nobody came to shul for the holidays because you were worried about appeals. The shul is just full of bad Jews who don't show... I didn’t even do appeals this year... You still haven’t given your appeals from last year.

Once you're out in the world, going to shul, you have to act right.
You have to give a gift for meals. You go to a house, you give a gift so people don’t complain... A bottle of Manischewitz doesn't suffice...
The big questions is, “Do you have to give a gift when crashing at somebody's home for a Simcha???” I have no idea how to answer that... They did you a favor, but they don't know you... I agree. The favor was for the Grossmans. Nobody knows their cousins from Ottawa.
It’s on the Grossmans. It was their daughter’s Bat Mitzvah...
It’s a Chutzpah for the shul to get involved. They didn’t even announce the Bat Mitzvah. It shouldn't have been in the announcements... However, the Grossmans didn’t even give one of those little paper bags... Henry. You have to give a little paper bag with handles. What you put in it is not important. A paper bag with handles and flimsy scrunchy paper... Yes. The flimsy scrunchy paper needs to be a color!!!  
We're not talking about the Finkelmans now... They did give you a gift. I know they came over for dinner and they gave you wine. A bottle of wine is a gift? Is it not?... It wasn't Manischewitz... Manischewitz peach wine?! That's better than wine. That suffices. That's value. They don't even make that anymore... How much do you need to spend on a gift? What do you expect? There is no end...  I don't care if they bought it. Our board put up a quilt Sarah Malkah messed up and said it was valuable... They should've coughed on you.
And stop going off on the Grossmans. Are they supposed to do renovations on your kitchen for hosting the mother’s sister?!... 
I am trying to help you all become decent people, but it is hard.

Gd has compassion. He smells Noach’s offering and has compassion. Right after the flood, H' is compassionate. (Bereishit 8:21) Because we are bad from our childhood. “Man’s heart is evil from its youth.” Like the kids of our shul.
H' realizes that the only way to deal with these evil people is to be compassionate. 
Again. We must follow in H's ways for this world to exist... H' would've been fine hosting without receiving a gift. It's called Hachnasat Orchim... Having guests is the Mitzvah. It's clear. Giving gifts is not clear. Hence, people don't want you as a guest, Bernie. Why is he back?!

Chamas. Robbery. This is why H’ wanted to destroy the world. It was destroyed already. They didn't have compassion on each other. The world can't exist like this. You rob people of life. You rob people of coughing. You rob people of wanting to come to shul. You rob people of enjoying a good brisket at your home... Because you invite them to bring you schnapps... How do you enjoy yourself as a guest when you paid more than the what you're getting out of the meal... Enjoyment as a guest is a mathematical equation. You subtract the retail price of the gift from what you ate at the meal. If the cost of your guest is within ten dollars of what you ate, you got ripped off... There have been meals where I overstuffed myself, so that hosts could get the Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim. If I paid forty dollars for a bottle of whiskey, I have to eat a lot of brisket and kugel. Otherwise, the host is going to Gehenim... Hachnasat Orchim is beautiful, but you people mess it up. You turn having guests into an Aveirah.

Thank you for owning the fact that the board ruined another Simcha. Thank you for letting us know we missed out on another Kiddish, because the Grossman Bat Mitzvah was not in the announcements last week…
It was a Bat Mitzvah. If it was a Bar Mitzvah, nobody would've wanted to be there. Do you really want to be at those things? Do you want to hear those kids Layn?... It’s better to not know. To have to listen to that kid messing up the Torah reading...

Like the people in the time of Noach. You have brought down society. You make Simchas not enjoyable. Celebrations with you causes hatred and violence... Simchas don’t cause hatred and violence?! Did you see what happened to the Gabai when he called up the wrong uncle up for an Aliyah?!

After we have the clarity of what to do, we need to do it with compassion. Push yourself out to the world. And when you’re there, have compassion. Don't bother your rabbi when he's trying to relax in his office with peach Manischewitz...
Go out. Work a little. Do something decent. Be useful, unlike Katherine, who still hasn't coughed since COVID. Don’t eat the blood of people, like the board who are a bunch of parasites...  How do you celebrate when you have a board? I want to apologize to the Grossmans.
It takes acceptance. We have to accept people suck...

I have given up on you doing what's right. On you being decent people.
We need compassion. That's the lesson. With a membership like we have. With a board and renovation committee that let you down. The only way for us to continue is through compassion.

My Bat Mitzvah from last week. We're proud of you. If you're still here. Get out there. Take a chance with these people who don't give gifts and don't pay dues. Invite them for dinner. They'll be bad conversation. Don't fear. You can't mess up more than our congregants.
Take that screwdriver. No matter how many generations of messed up trauma and parents telling us we are Jews, we have to push ourselves out to have that confidence... Don't use the screwdriver on Shabbat. It's Muktzah...
Just look at the kids of this shul. Issues. They have issues. And we have to have compassion... 
Without compassion you just want to hurt them...

Rivka's Rundown
After much convincing that the building won't collapse, even though Fran is in charge of construction, the rabbi allowed us to keep the shul. 
In his argument for a better world, and H' not destroying it, the rabbi talked of how it is forbidden for members of our shul to make decisions. Our members involved in anything is bad. I think that's what the rabbi was saying. That is the clear message from Gd in the Parsha.
The rabbi started outsourcing everything. He outsourced the board to the church. He outsourced the building committee to what he said are builders. It turns out it was just nonJews, and a guy who knew immigrants.

That no coughing announcement was crazy. The board is crazy. I think it was a committee decision. The shul still has a COVID Committee. It’s an alliteration so they think it’s a program.
I am getting sick of the left-wing members. I want to be around right-wing people who are fine getting other people sick.

I think the rabbi was telling the congregants it's fine to go out from the shul. It's fine to leave the shul. It's fine to not be members anymore. He wants them gone.

The rabbi almost got fired for saying COVID is over. Some of the Jews had no idea what to do, without a cause that made them better than you. They needed a new cause. One or two defected, went to New York and joined a campaign to vote for Mamdani.
People were thanking Samantha. Opened up the floodgates of COVID for everybody. We're just happy for Menachem, who's now allowed to finally cough in his house. After five years of no coughing and sneezing, he owes Samantha a thank you.
The rabbi is correct though. The membership is a lot uglier with masks off. There is something to the niqab. If the singles in our shul went with that style when dating, they'd have 

Truth is the shul just gave up. They didn't even do a Yizkur appeal this year. They know nobody will give anything.
Everybody’s given up. Even the fundraising committee has given up on fundraising. When a committee says they’re not going to meet, there’s a problem. These are people who have nothing to do. The committee is all they have. It's got to be a day of not wanting to bother the rabbi for them to give up.
The fundraising committee hasn’t even paid their dues.

Arguments as to what gifts are necessary from a guest has taken over the community discussion this week. Israel has not been mentioned once. I think our community is more worried about a bottle of alcohol than Israel. At least if they have to purchase it. And not one member of our community has ever brought a bottle of Sabra liqueur for a dinner. The lack of Israel support is almost as bad as their lack of support for shul.
The board has decided that when you visit for a Shabbat dinner, you have to bring more than one bottle of wine. This is the Manischewitz Rule. Due to the worry that our members will go Manischewitz on gift cost, the two-bottle rule is there.
When crashing at somebody’s house, you don’t have to bring anything. The Baalei SImcha do, as they're the ones who have the guests coming in from out of town for the Simcha. The conclusion is the community is doing the Baalei Simcha a favor. The family guests coming to town are Simcha bystanders. It's not their fault the girl is having a Bat Mitzvah.

Expecting gifts is crazy. I don’t want anybody to bring anything. Just themselves.
The Frum people say to bring nothing for dinner. They’re worried we’ll Treif up the kitchen
With this whole gift discussion, I don't want to be a guest anymore. I'm going to start staying in hotels. It's cheaper. And I will make it a point to not tip them.

Due to the rabbi not wanting the board to make a decision, because it will lead to disaster, the rabbi came up with Takana Gifts. When you're a guest, you can only give a gift up to ten dollars. This is the decree. 
Now people want to be guests again. And nobody wants to have guests. No more Hachnasat Orchim. It follows the idea of Takana weddings, where the families running the Simchas only pay up to forty dollars a head, and nobody wants to show, because they know the brisket will be dry. And they will skimp on the pigs-in-a-blanket. The idea is that now all Simchas cost less, and nobody comes. The true idea is to figure out a way for people to not want to be at these parties. Nobody likes them. They just want to go, smile for two minutes. Let the Chatan and Kalah know they were there. They want to hear that they don't have to give a gift. It's really about getting out of gifts. The rabbi is right. And in our shul, it's also about not wanting to see people.

The Stuff That Our Announcements Missed class turned into a list of stuff they forgot to announce. High Holiday seats were forgot. The shul softball team tryouts were forgot, for the better. Danny's eightieth birthday. You don't miss an eightieth. You can miss a wedding. Not an eightieth. People here an eightieth and they get a warm feeling of love in their heart. They hear about a wedding and they're trying to figure out "how?!"
And you don't announce it when it's a woman's eightieth. Very complicated what to do in that situation. You just celebrate. Call it a Bat Mitzvah.
I am fine with them missing the announcements. There's too much celebrating. I like hearing when I missed a Simcha. 

There were a lot of chuchs in the class. The board called off Minyin, as there were worried somebody would catch COVID from a chuch.

Announcements
No more playing in shul. It turns out that fun is very dangerous. Due to fun, Sara ended up in the hospital. We will thus be banning the Bouncy Bima for two weeks.
 
It’s the beginning of the year. Bereishit. The first Parsha. Please don’t kill it for the congregation again. Do not do what you did last year. Be a different you for the rest of the shul. Just don’t be you.

Simchat Torah was dedicated to the living hostages coming home. It was also dedicated to the soldiers and all of the victims of the terror attacks since October Seventh.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Get Injured at Junior Congregation- A Psychological Study of Children of Our Congregants at Play. How to Not Be You- The Art of Making Other People Happy. Simchat Torah and How Our Dancing Embarrassed a Nation. How to Forget Something Very Important and Then To Dedicate It The Next Week Because Your Board Got A Lot of Complaints.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Bereishit is about the beginning. In the beginning Gd did not create you. It was the Garden of Eden. Things were good... If He would've seen our membership right away, He would've destroyed the world before Noach. It's good we came around six thousand years later.

It’s the first Parsha. Everything you did last year was wrong. It’s time for resolutions. Resolutions of you not to mess up again... You’ll be able to apologize for the new resolutions that you mess up, again this year, when the High Holidays come around next year. In the meantime, I pray that at least the Baal Koreh reads Bereishit right... You messed it up last year. The way you read it, I was starting to think that octopus was created on the third day. It was like you were reading "and the serpent was good"... Well, that's how your reading sounded...
Nobody wants to hear about your vegetable patch in your backyard, Fran. Gd didn’t care for Kayns...

Let’s talk about kids. Wild brothers. Kayn and Hevel. Now everybody listens. This speaks to you. You see the kids in our shul... Hundreds, mid-thirties, kindergarten. It was all the same back then...
Kayn kills Hevel. I wouldn’t be surprised if something goes down at youth groups. Paper football is the cause of much violence... We're talking about Cain and Abel. But we're Jews, so we pronounce their names correctly. Menachem.
(Bereishit 4:10) Gd asks Kayn, “What have you done?” Kayn throws off responsibility like any member of Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. Plays dumb. "Oh. I don't know what happened to the ice machine"... Then who threw it out?! No fessers. Nobody fessses up... Like he didn't do it. 
Kayn then throws this line, (Bereishit 4:9) “Am I my brother’s watcher?!” Of course, this is after he killed him... Guarder is more correct than "keeper." I know "keeper" sounds cooler. But you are not cool. Watch you brother... You're not coole enough to not care. Nobody here cares about anybody else. Care about saving life at least. Can't even do guard duty at the front of the shul correctly... You let in Pinchas. He's annoying. What have you done? Ruining Shacharit for everybody... I thought we all knew Moishie walks real loud, getting in his steps in the back of the shul. Keep him out.

We all have the responsibility to be decent to people. We can't disregard our responsibilities in this Olam. In this world, you're supposed to keep a Mitzvot, and a tidy home... There is a chance for Teshuva. Even if you work shul security and bring your kids to shul to run around the Bima.
Kayn threw off the responsibility of guarding his brother. And Rashi teaches, when H’ asks “Where is your brother” it's in this soft tone to give Kayn a chance to do Teshuva. And he throws off that responsibility to repent too. At that point, what do you do? In our community, you don't invite him over for Friday night dinner. And that is rude...
We have the responsibility to guard our community. To watch over it. To care for each other. And you all throw that off. Not very far. None of you have a decent arm. We saw that last summer, on the shul softball team. Couldn't even throw to home plate from the infield...
What have you done? Like Kayn. You messed up the shul. I ask "what have you done" at every board meeting...

He is cursed after he doesn’t take the blame. Again. We speak of responsibility. Take responsibility. For your kids especially. They’re crazy... Fran. You care more about the vegetable patch than your grandkids...
"Am I the guarder of my children?" Yes. "Am I the watcher of my children?" Yes. "Am I watching too many series on Max?" Yes.

It is now time to do Teshuva.
We ask parents to watch their kids. A big ask. That won’t happen.
Maybe a New Year’s Resolution... OK. A Bereishit Resolution to watch your kids. At least watch that they don't bother everybody else... Yes. They bother people. Your cute little kids? Nobody likes them...
If it’s not a Bouncy Bima, why are they doing floor routines on it?!
Simchat Torah cannot happen again. No more fun in shul. This Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah Playhouse Funhouse is chasing away members and families... When kids aren't having fun because other kids are having fun...
The kids are crazy. I saw tumbling in shul, a kid running across the Bima and the stage in front of the Aron, yelling out during announcements. And then I saw a commando crawl in front of the Aron. And that was one kid… It was your kid. He was yelling, "What's up, Doc?" Where does it say that in the Torah. No. Show me. Where does it say that in the Siddur. I want to know. Kayn didn't even say that... During announcements, the same kid re-apologized for the shul president and yelled, “He said he apologizes!!!” Between us, still people hate the president, and I can't stand him. 
Then your child stood on the chair and repeated, "He said he apologizes!!!" Be a dad…. How did you not see that. The whole shul saw it. You should apologize to the shul.
Where are the parents!!!

There's more. I saw a kid bouncing a ball during Layning. Other kids were throwing a ball during Ein Keylokeynu. I saw them playing over the Mechitzah, like it was a game of Newcomb. I saw three girls picking up their skirts. But I did not see that. Want to make that clear…
The girl with the pink checkered jacket with matching purse was cute. Cutest thing we ever saw. Which is why kids are allowed in shul.
I saw kids tumbling the aisle. Cartwheels. Followed by a somersault. I saw a kid running the back aisle. Doing laps… Probably gets it from Samantha who gets her steps in during Davening.
Wait. Kids were yelling…. Crazy thing. They were all in shul. How? I do not know. 
Where are the parents!!!

No Teshuva. No ownership.
This is why we read Kohelet last Shabbat. Because this is what happens when there is... Why is this child up on here right now?! Where are the parents!!! You lose a sense of life and our duties and everything is Hevel, vanity, or kids going crazy... 
Other people cannot whack your child. So we will have a police force to sign off on our public servants enacting the law. They will parent for you… Like a Kibbutz. The great thing about Kibbutzes is that everybody parents your child. So it's legal to tell your child to shut up... Potching is allowed.
We want to thank our police force for keeping kids quiet during Adon Olam. All parents have to sign that they can lock up your children if you want to bring them to shul. The document reads, "If my child's parent is incapable of shutting up my child during the Torah reading, my child will be sentenced to elementary school in prison."
They got a child police person. Need these kids fearing lock up for them to behave. They now call the junior congregation service “the yard,” because it’s violent. One kid, a third grader got his head bashed by a Tonka, due to fun.
Got to stop fun. Fun is dangerous.
Where are the parents!!!
Whenever there is fun, we must ask, "Where is your brother?"

And your kids overreacted on Simchat Torah... It’s your fault they couldn’t handle the three pounds of candy in a responsible way...
The dancing was for our people. Commemorating our nation. Our living nation. It was a resolution to live for our people. Still have no idea what Merv's dancing was about...

First we must take ownership.
Bereishit resolution... Yes. Another resolution. Rosh Hashana resolutions, you already messed up. Three weeks and you're already eating chocolate.
The resolution this congregation needs is to change everything. Your kids... Not to adopt new ones. Just change your kids... And change the toddlers too. At least clean them. Disgusting little things.
A resolution to not talk about your tomato patch.

H' wants Teshuva... Yes, I'm talking in a soft voice. That's how you get people to do Teshuva...

Teshuva cannot exist with justification... No justification for your children.
This passive justification leads to Kayn becoming a "wanderer on earth" (Bereishit 4:12). When you shun responsibility. When you damage. When you don't fess up. You are a wanderer. Kind of like your kids who wander the halls and destroy the shul.
Without ownership, our deeds remain wrong. You end up with a shul board. Let us take ownership so we don't become wanderers. Pay your dues.

Fess. We need more fessing. Where is the Yad for the Torah? Who took it? Fess up.

Rivka's Rundown
People ran to Kiddish after the sermon. They thought the rabbi was saying to Fress.
The congregation agrees. Hearing about Fran's vegetable patch is getting annoying.

I am beginning to think our shul has a lot of board meetings. And it seems like they're doing nothing there, other than throwing away important stuff in the shul and not fessing.
And it’s this lack of fessing that leads to softball team where everybody thinks they’re good. Boy, is that annoying. When they think they’re good and for some reason nobody can catch a ball.

The rabbi dealt a lot with brothers. vZot HaBracha he talks of Zevulun and Yissachar. Here he speaks of brothers that don't get along. Our congregants like the Cain and Abel relationship more. To quote, "I see my kids, and I like to think they're kind of like those two."
Why they couldn’t do two bulletins, one for vZot HaBracha and one for Bereishit. I think it's wrong. VZot HaBracha never gets its own thing. Just because it wasn't on Shabbis doesn't mean it's not a Parsha. VZot HaBracha deserves more credit. That’s all I’m saying. Maybe the shul should give it a little more of a shoutout in the announcements.
Anyways, I hope the sermon got parents to accept that they suck.

Nothing about Israel for Simchat Torah was mentioned. No announcement last week. That is usually how our office works. The announcements go, "We missed the Simcha last week. Wish the Grossmans a Mazel Tov on their daughter's Bat Mitzvah. We hope people showed up. We also missed the Israeli Parade of Support. But we support it now. Walk around the block for Israel if you can."

Did the rabbi ban Simchat Torah next year because of little Brenda and Barry pulling hair during Adon Olam?
I don't know how Kayn messed up the shul. I think that was part of his message. I know the kids destroyed the hallways.

The rabbi was hoping Bereishit would help make things good. A new start. But as he said, "There are still congregants."

"No justification for your children." That hurt.
Crazy kids in the shul. They are whacky. No question about that.
The rabbi used safety and security to get everybody to agree that fun has to stop. You say safety and security nowadays, the shul has to do what you said.
We have security in junior congregation. It turns out that when there's security, the kids focus better during the Chidon HaTorah quiz. We also implemented the cop presence at playgroups. Which has led to less biting and more sharing of the huge non-eatable LEGO bricks.
The rabbi proposed somebody watch the parents. The security watched the parents. It turns out, the parents don’t watch the kids. The security team reported back that they watched the parents not watching the kids.

I've never seen so many parents in support of their kids going to the state penitentiary. Everybody cheered for the police force. A bunch of left-wingers who are against locking people up, unless if their kids who make noise in shul.
But they're still worried about their kids eating candy.

I don't know if the locking up of children who talk during Torah reading is enforceable. Even so, the bylaws were written into shul policy, and police have thrown some of the children and parents out of shul.
We have brought it to city council and city court. They are still discussing whether biting in playgroups and jumping on the Bima during Adon Olam are criminal offenses.

And then there was a Bar Mitzvah on Shabbat Bereishit. The amount of candy is crazy. Now the kids got more candy. 
These parents don't want their kids eating the candy, yet the kids are loading up bags. I have a feeling these parents are using it for Halloween. Parents are stashing the candy, saving money on the Laffy Taffy. Then they give it out on Halloween. That's why Simchat Torah gets so many people showing up. Save on the Walmart trip. 
The Bar Mitzvah wasn't mentioned in the announcements. They might announce it for Parshat Noach. "You missed the Bar Mitzvah last week. If you want more candy, show up to the Lefkowitz home for Halloween. They will have Kosher candy." 
 
It's hard giving a Drasha in a Frum shul. The rabbi can’t even say the words of the prayers. “Keylokeynu.” I started picking up that when the rabbi uses a lot of Ks, he’s referencing Gd. You see how Frum I am. When I reference Gd, out of respect, I don’t write Gd.

Announcements
We ask people get their exercise at home. People are complaining about congregants getting in their steps during the silent prayer. It has been reported that Moishie walks very loud.
 
Kids have to be watched over by somebody. We are asking anybody other than parents to help. Anybody other than their mothers and fathers. We have given up on those people.
We will be throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. So make sure they don’t get excited.

Please do not injure children with candy. We are asking for Simchat Torah safety.
We also ask people dance normally, out of respect for the Jewish people and our nation, Israel.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Annoy People in Shul with Walking Groups During Shacharit. How to Not Parent- The Art of Bringing Your Kids to Shul. When Hitting a Child with Candy is Fine- History of the Bar Mitzvah. Dances That Are Offensive to Our People- Merv and The Evolution of a Messed-up Hora. 

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Chag Sameach My Pupils...
Let us dance with our nation this Simchat Torah. Not Merv. No idea what he's doing with the Torah. He thinks he's doing a salsa out there... It's for our nation this year. So, let's do it correctly. Let's keep it simple and stay in circle form...

We end vZot HaBracha and immediately start the Torah again, with Bereishit. Because you already forgot it... You don’t keep the Mitzvot and your kids are already messing up again...
How do we practice the Torah again? Let's look to Moshe's blessing of Zevulun and Yissachar.
Zevulun and Yissachar had a good relationship. Unlike the Schwartz kids who can’t get along. And run around the shul like a bunch of Vilde Chayas.
They were two brothers who benefited each other. Zevulun provided the money and Yissachar learned and provided the spiritual reward for both of them. And for some reason, Yissachar didn't complain. He wasn't being supported by his parents like Yankel who's now spending time at Yeshivas Shaar Yashuv, due to his complaints about his parents being heretics. Which they are... The shul benefits nothing. Even the last benefit wasn't a benefit. We lost money...

(Devarim 33:18) Moshe tells Zevulun, “Be happy in your going out, and Yissachar in your tents.” Be happy in what you do... Going out means working. It doesn’t mean getting hammered, you drunk...
The answer is to practice with happiness, in your going out. I'm not Rav Nachman of Breslov. Even so, as we learn from his lessons, being with this congregation does not lead to happiness... Maybe, if Nachum wasn't a downer when he's going out with the ladies...
You're happy when fulfilling your role. And our board has done nothing. Which seems to be their role. To do nothing of help... I don’t know what Ben and Simcha’s roles are in the shul. I don’t know what Menachem and Baruch are doing here. Nobody knows how to lead the Davening. Can’t read the Torah. You even mess up the Torah blessings. You messed up an Aliyah... Moishie's role is to bother people while they're Davening. Which is why he's a happy person.
It was their strengths. The brothers were happy with their strengths. Please let me know if anybody here has a strength... 
Zevulun made money and used it for something positive... What have you done with your money other than the membership at the country club?! You haven't even paid your dues... The shul renovations are not positive. And they're not your money. You can't spend the shul's money on the shul and call it your Tzedakah. The shul is now poorer...

Why are we all depressed here? Not happy. Because our role as a community is to be kind. To give. Like Zevulun and Yissachar.
We don’t share anything. You told the guy to leave the shul because he took your seat. You didn't even say, "This is my seat." You said, "Leave." You could've at least said, "Leave. This is my seat." He thought you were a random guy kicking him out of shul. Bullies aren't happy...
No responsibility. This is why you're all depressed. You're doing nothing. You're on the board. On committees... Exactly. Doing nothing.
Can we be happy here? No. Let us explore your roles...

Your role is not to get in more steps during Shabbis Davening... How do you get in steps during the silent prayer. It's the Amidah. You have to keep your feet together. How do you get steps in, standing in one spot?!... 
No walking during the holiday. There's enough walking around on Simchat Torah. You don’t need to get more steps... It's not a dance. What you guys are doing is walking in a circle.
I think Moishie has gotten two hundred thousand of his yearly steps in during Musaf. I know because I hear each one... Fifteen thousand a day. Crazy.
Maybe you'd be happy if you trained other people. Gave them some of your steps...

By the way. On Simchat Torah we will be throwing candies at your kids. But watch them. Make sure they behave.
Make sure your children are not wild when they have all of Hershey's and every gummy of every creature thrown at them... It's not hard for them to not to be excited. Just have them look at you and they will be reminded of depression. I see you at shul and my excitement is gone. I'm not happy anymore. You bring depression to my holiday...
Yes. We are saying you're not good parents... Your child is getting whacked by candy. No helmet. No vest. Just slacks and a button down. No knee pads. You're fine with your child getting hit... You don't even let them eat candy.

Find your rule. Moishie and Rivki know their role is to throw candies at kids and to get in steps...

We read Kohelet last Shabbat. I was uplifted. After seeing the members of this shul, Ecclesiastes was a pick-me-up... If he would've seen our membership, King Solomon would’ve said "there is no time for these people." 
There is a time to walk and there is a time to not walk. And the time to walk is in shul... You don’t walk in shul Harry... There is a time to be with congregants and there is never a time to be here... This shul is Hevel Havalim.
There is no time for Merv to dance. There is never a time for our shul president to be involved. If the board just stayed out of shul decisions everybody would be happy... Your calling is to stay out of shul decisions... Watch your kids too. The time to watch your kids is until 10am and after 11am when groups end...

Zevulun and Yissachar will be nourished by the sea (Devarim 33:19)... I don't know if they liked salmon. I would like to think they did... You eating squid is forbidden. Don't try to use the nourishment argument for sin... Rashi makes it clear that the Torah mentions both Yissachar and Zevulun, because the sea gives them both money in abundance. How is Yissachar benefiting? Because Yissachar receives the money from Zevulun's going out to sea. And the shul has benefited nothing from its membership...
(Devarim 33:20) Gad who is on the boarder, protecting Israel, is living like “a lion.” Not like a middle class family in Topeka... You couldn't protect the shul. The new security team of the aging with earphones... You're listening to music on Shabbis. Might as well be eating squid. Both Aveiras... Have you seen squid? Not Kosher. Doesn't look like sardines. Maybe eating squid is worse than protecting the shul. The point is Gad would've at least had Byrnas... Artscroll teaches that Gd gives us gifts that are “commensurate with responsibility.” Which is why nobody in this shul got anything last Chanukah... None of you live up to anything you're supposed to do.
A responsibility to see how depressing our congregation is. A responsibility to not get your steps in in the middle of Davening. It's Simchat Torah. We have a responsibility to not injure our children, and we are given the correct amount of candy to do it.
And that is what leads to happiness. When we follow our responsibilities. Take Gd’s gifts and use them right... Not Gad. Gd. Oh Gd... You have the gift of candy from Gd. Throw it at kids...
H' provides the nourishment from the sea, because that is what Zevulun and Yissachar needed... Don't blame H' for the board. The shul needs other people...
H' provides. But we first need to know take responsibility.

Maybe somebody can have a relationship with Merv. A Zevulun Yissachar relationship, where they give him dance lessons, and he gives them nothing. Somebody who has the gift of not looking like an idiot when they dance... Merv truthfully has nothing to offer. Just salsa dancing with the Torah. Which still makes no sense... Our new members from Puerto Rico had no idea what you were doing. They thought you were tangoing with it.
May H' provide people who don't look like fools when they dance.
If Merv danced not like an idiot, we would have a chance at communal joy. Somebody just has to take responsibility. Responsibility and blame... It takes two to Hora.

If we lived up to our responsibilities, we could make this a happy congregation...
Throwing candy at kids is how you find joy?! 
Throwing candy at children the way you do it is wrong. It's too violent... Is the Bar Mitzvah boy a child? No. The Bar Mitzvah is a man. Bar Mitzvah. I whipped that sucker at the Bar Mitzvah man!...

And maybe the shul could get some money. How about this? Be a Zevulun to this shul and donate something. You don't learn. None of you learn Torah. Maybe give money so your rabbi can get a raise, and you can be happy too.
And when we have our roles down, H' will provide... Your role is to not talk during the sermon...
You should be Zoyche to live your role. Good luck.

Rivka's Rundown
Getting back the living hostages right before the holiday brought the inner communal Simcha. It added to a sense of not hating everybody in shul.
The dancing was meaningful. We took responsibility to dance for our people. It was beautiful and it brought joy. Still have no idea what Merv was doing.

I am happy the rabbi made it clear that we cannot be happy in our shul.
I think the rabbi's message was take responsibility and you will be happy, which is why nobody on the board is happy. Or the message might have been to be happy in your work and hurt children by throwing suckers at them. Hurt them but don't injure them.
The president talks about the shul's money like it's his. He said he gave Tzedakah to the shul, because he used the shul's money to pay for the new dry wall in the garden. What idiot puts up Sheetrock around a gazebo?!

The rabbi left it at "good luck." He doesn't see hope for any of us.

A lot of walking in shul. That's how they dance too. They walk in a circle. That's it. There is no skipping or jumping, or hopping. Just a walk. A leisurely pace. That's how our men dance. They dance to get in steps.
Moishie took the rabbi's lesson to heart about training other people. Now, he has a walking group in shul.
Seriously. The guy walks around shul. Not even in the back. He goes up and down the aisles now. To quote Harry, “I feel like I get more steps when I go around the shul.”
Moishie truly took that lesson and flipped it on the rabbi. The rabbi is doing what he can to stop the walking in shul. The rabbi is now promoting less health, so people can concentrate on the prayers.

And then all the candies. The kids are filling up huge bags of candy. We're throwing candies at the kids on Simchat Torah. Tons of candies. Anything that can hurt. They've got black and blue eyes from candy whoopings. They're stuffing their faces with the taffy, loving it, and their parents are there. The parents that don’t let them eat sweets.
I've given up on the parents. It's these same parents that don't let them play sports because it's too dangerous. Yet, they bring them to shul to get a candy whopping. I don’t get it.
Candy violence has to stop in our shul.
It was hard to figure out exactly when the rabbi is saying that throwing candies at kids is fine and when it's not. I am guessing that when you're passing them in a car, whipping candies at them is wrong. Even if they love it.
In our shul, candy is meant to hurt the kids. The congregants are fine with the kids getting that sugar, as long as the kid gets hit by it first. The candy committee argued that it's not abuse if it's with Ferrara Pan. I don't know if that is their Jaw Busters ad. But it sounds wrong.

And then everybody blames the kids for being too wild. How we expect kids to be responsible when the rabbi is dropping every candy from heaven.
I'm not going to lie. I get candy thrown at me, I'm happy. If it's candy, I will jump on the floor, kill the skirt. I don't care. I'm happy, even with a black and blue eye and a broken arm. Why they threw the whole box of Dum-Dums. Idiots. But I got the lollypops. Injured, but with some lollypops. Bittersweet moments.

The fact that they need an announcement to watch the kids is messed up. Though the kids are crazy, and I can understand parents being fine with their children running away. That sounds wrong. The kids in our shul walk. They're very out of shape.
The point is, they're crazy. With all the candies, by the end of Simchat Torah the kids were skipping with Harry around the shul.

Bar Mitzvahs do not compare with Simchat Torah. So much more candy on Simchat Torah. I hope the candy added to the meaning of our nation.

Announcements
Please keep your Carlebach singing to a minimum. Since Yom Kippur there has been a lot of Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred, due to the hatred of people for having to be in shul longer. So, please just say the words quickly, so that Jews can get out of shul and love each other. And do not add any NayNayNays to songs. NayNayNay is not a word.
 
We will have a Kiddish in the Sukkah on the second day of Sukkot, and it will not have dried out pastry (like the stuff we now serve every Shabbat). We’re hoping the rain will bring some moistness to the Danish Sharon has been bringing lately.
 
The board will not do renovations over Sukkot. Otherwise, we will be measuring the shul in handbreadths and elbows. Our contractor has been doing a bad job with measurements, even when using tape measures. He has a very weird handbreadth, and he has been listening to the board, which all leads to a messed-up foundation.
 
The rabbi has declared that he will be choosing people’s Lulavs this year. There are safety concerns from last year with people who have no Lulav control. They will receive smaller Lulavs with rounded edges.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Injure People With Mitzvahs- Bernie’s Lulav and Why Nobody Sits Next To Him. How to Lose Every Member in Your Shul With A Tune That People Like- The Carlebach Method of Extended Prayer. How to Choose Really Bad Pastry- A Day of Shopping With Sharon at Latkes Bakery. Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
What provokes H’? It’s ignoring and snobbiness and people who sometimes say "Hi"... You greet people even when they're not popular. Even when they're not part of the committee that is messing up this building... I am saying you are not good people. Exactly. Annoying, snobby people who only say "Shalom" when you think you'll get something out of it.
Shabbat Shalom. My Congregants... 
Yes. I am angry. Because you’re angry people. I am angry because you mess up everything. You are the worst congregants. The worst people. Shallow...

And this leads to kids who don’t follow Torah. Like our youth group. We’re the only synagogue youth group for atheists... Our shul's chapter is called My Parents Raised Me to Hate My Religion... I don't know how National Torah Youth accepted our chapter. Kiruv, bringing people closer to Judaism, only works so much.
I think the name is MPRMHMR. They acronymized it... When an acronym is impossible to say, I don't know if it's useful. The point is the problems come from ignoring. You all ignore Gd. You ignore people. You ignore kindness. And that is how you get junior congregation... Junior congregation where the blessings go, "Blessed be standing straight. Blessed be wearing clothes. Blessed be preparing men's steps..." No Gd. You can't say Amen to that, Bernie. Your grandkids are not Nachis... I have no idea what preparing steps consists of. I don't believe it has anything to do with the pacing Shalom is doing in the back of the shul right now. Will you please sit... Pacing bothers the sermon. Correct. As does ignoring...

You ignore H’ (Devarim 32:18). You ignore me too. Ignoring people makes them angry. I would appreciate if you ignored me and didn't ask questions. But you still bother me with questions. 
(Devarim 32:19) H’ sees this and He will be provoked by the “anger of his sons and daughters.”
The rabbis ask why daughters are included... Women should be included Bernie. Disgusting... You didn’t say it, but I saw your look... the general term for sons always includes everybody... That includes daughters too. Bernie. Daughters are part of everyone. They’re people Bernie... even before women’s rights...
You provoke Gd’s anger when you pray to clothes and steps.

Ramban teaches this has to do with the First Temple destruction where women were idol worshippers... Not everything about women is positive. They ignore. They definitely ignore Nachum. We all see that. They don't talk to him. The guy is still pathetic and single...
Women's rights is about the negative things women do. It's about how they mess up everything, like men...
It starts with ignoring. Something that women do to Nachum. And the would've ignored him in the First Temple, because his shoes are never polished. 
It's attitude. Ignoring leads to hate in your heart. Your snobbiness leads to hatred. Your selfishness leads to anger...

I will say it is the sons and daughters. The family. The family that messes up shul with anger. Gets mad when Davening goes a little too long.

(Devarim 32:20) Gd says, “And I will hide My face... for they are generation of reversals, children whose upbringing is not in them.” Because you all messed up.
Anger leads to Gd hiding His face. And that is how you get our congregation...

Because you raise the kids wrong. When they look at you in your anger and the dried our Danish, they want nothing to do with that. And how can you not be angry when the shul has a board?!
A bunch of idiots, throwing out everything. Who throws out the shul’s history?! You threw Gd out of the shul... You threw out our original shul document from 200 years ago. You throw out history. That can only come from anger... You threw out the Mitzvot. You literally threw out the Melachot chart and the Chesed Kindness Mitzvah chart.
And it is that throwing away that can only come from anger. Leading to kids like our youth who bless clothing the naked... They're blessing clothes and people getting in steps...

Ignoring is what leads to H' hiding His face.
Let’s not ignore the issues of our shul. Let us not be angry. But deal with the stuff that makes us angry, so we can have a Geula... Coming to shul makes us angry, because we have to see you... Now that Bernie is gone, let's deal with the other issues we have ignored. The other issues that hide Gd from this shul. Sam has now left. And Francine is not in the women's section right now. OK. We can now deal with girls not talking to Nachum...

Where does the anger come from? Let us not ignore the issues. There's a lot of frustration in our shul. 
Yom Kippur Davening took more than three hours. A problem. Again. Causes anger. Faster Davening will bring Shalom. If we got in an eighteen-minute Yom Kippur Shacharit, there would be happiness. H's presence in our shul.
Friday night Davening has to be quicker as well... You sung Yehi Shalom which is beautiful. It’s the kind of song that will get all the congregants mad... It takes too long. They come to shul because they want out. The Yehi Shalom brought the Kehillah together. All frustrated...
At least you didn’t NayNayNay it. Mizmor LDavid gets at least one NayNay run-through. The only song that has a NayNayNay in its lyrics is Mizmor LDavid. A NayNay verse is there. Written in by Carlebach... You NayNayed the NayNay verse. Again. Anger...
Because we ignore. We have anger. 

We will have a Sukkah Kiddish.
There’s a Mitzvah to pay happy. vSmachta bChagecha. To be happy in the Chag. And that is where Gd is found. And the pastries the shul has been getting has gotten nobody happy… Yes. Happiness is found in food. Not in dried out Danish...
Dried out Danish. It’s disgusting Sharon. With the Hamentash filling. Nobody likes it. Especially five days old… Of course, the bakery gives a deal on it. It’s disgusting. And the sponge cake. No Simcha in a sponge cake. They only put out the sponge cake at the weddings because the Temple was destroyed. We must bring a bit of mourning to our Simchas... 
Of course the sponge cake and Danish was eaten. It was the only thing they put out. Ever see the peanut butter squares with the crystalized peanut butter and then the chocolate on top. You don’t see them because they’re always gone… I know people eat the black and white cookies. Because there’s nothing else. All the other stuff is gone. So, they eat it at the end of Kiddish. Something finished at the end of Kiddish doesn’t constitute... You get to the Kiddish table five minutes in, you think all they're serving is black and white cookies today...
You didn't know the Mitzvah to be happy on Chags because you threw out the Mitzvah chart. It's on the chart. You have to be happy on holidays, and you have to serve Green's Babka... Because it's amazing and it brings Simcha.
Sharon. You're the head of the sisterhood. Delegate Kiddish. Delegate it to Little Debby. Great cakes. Moist... Nobody cares about preservatives. It tastes good. Don't ignore what tastes good. You ignore what tastes good, you ignore H'. And that means exile. H' doesn't want to be seen around dried up pastry... Flaky dough is fine...

No. We don’t measure biblically anymore. Even if the rabbis say we must for the Sukkah... It’s not an excuse for Shul renovations.
The renovations got people mad. Because you ignored decent ideas. Godly ideas given by your rabbi... Tables were placed in front of the pews. Great idea??? Allows for a place to put down the Siddur??? Now there is no room to stand. People can’t get into the row... You put the tables where people stand... Yes. People like to put their Siddurs down where they sit. If there is no room to sit...
Tables in the Sukkah?! It's a pop-up Sukkah. A four by six Sukkah... Calm down with the tables. They don't fit. The community Sukkah seats three, without chairs.
And now we have a messed-up foundation... The building too. Very messed up. When you ignore Gd, you end up with drywall that crumbles...
When you renovate by throwing out tradition, you end up with a pop-up Sukkah... Gd is permanent.

Some people need the rabbi to choose for them. You can't ignore safety. People get hit with a Lulav, they get mad, and it leads to idol worship...
I will choose your Etrogs and Lulavs, to bring Simcha to your holiday. And to ensure safety. Rich. You get a small Lulav this year... You injured Merv and Pinchas with your Hodu Lulav swing last year... You should've turned around first to make sure nobody was there, when you pointed your Lulav straight out... You don't ignore safety. You point the Lulav up...
Rich. Like you care. You don’t even know that the willow is the Arava... I know Arava sounds more like a myrtle. Hadas should be a willow. But it’s not... This is why I learn Halacha... Because you’re not big Lulav worthy. You also injured Faye last year. Your Lulav went through the Mechitzah and knocked out her eye...

We can’t let this anger us. We have to deal with it. Make it good. Make our congregation good. Stop the cause of anger. Keep out Bernie and Francine. Bring Gd back into what we do. To not ignore Nachum. Maybe talk to him and let him know you're not attracted... Lulavs hitting me in the face causes anger... And this shall bring Gd back into our lives.
Long Davening is a reason to be angry. I understand. And where are the Mitzavh charts... And the stars. Yes. The stickers. The star stickers. You put them on the Mitzvah chart.
And happiness through better pastries to bring H' into our presence this Sukkot... Let us bring Gd into Sukkot without our membership. A reason to pray to Gd.

Rivka's Rundown 
The rabbi had everybody yelling at Bernie for being a chauvanist. He said nothing. He just sat there. I didn’t know a look you got when you sneezed meant women don’t deserve the right to vote.

We truly have the most heretical youth. They had a Halloween pumpkin carving event for Sukkot. A bunch of pagans. They didn’t even have a Sukkah hopping event. They had a Sukkah Treat event. For a shtick they called it Sook-or-Treat.
It is messed up when you leave Gd out of blessings. Blessing steps??? "Blessed are steps." It makes no sense. I can understand why Gd is mad. You leave Him out, you ignore Him, and you start making blessings to counting how much you walk in shul. Now you're worshipping treadmills.
From what I understand, the order is we ignore Gd, Gd hides Himself, girls ignore Nachum, we end up with children, and then the sisterhood picks up dried out Hamentash filled Danish. It's a rabbit hole. And then you start making blessings to what your trainer told you to do.

There is a new thing in our shul where the president just throws out stuff. No questions. No thoughts about what is good for the shul, what is good for the structure of our shul. No thoughts of tradition. They threw out the Torah covers. Said it was an old towel with some guy's name who dedicated it in honor of his grandparents. 
No tradition in our shul anymore. Nothing has meaning. They threw out Merv's Yom Kippur lifetime seat reservation.
He threw out a pole. A structural pole. The president thought it was tradition, as the pole has been there since the shul was founded. So, he threw it out.
It's this new idea of "new is better." So, they're making everything of sheetrock. Nothing old is good.

The rabbi feels awareness is important. He brought awareness to how awkward and alone Nachum is. 
A lot of ignoring and snobbiness in the shul. And Nachum can’t get a girl to pay attention to him. I believe the lesson the rabbi was giving was that it's fine to ignore Nachum if he scares you too. He's an old single guy. He scares people. The security team, headed by Ethel, agreed that for safety, you can ignore him. 

The shul came up with a NayNay quota. No more than two rounds of NayNayNaying for any service.

We have the worst Kiddish food. This generation of Kiddishes is awful. That is one thing we can all agree on. One thing the board is behind as well.
The rabbi gave a class on what makes a good pastry. And it all came down to anything not made at Latkas Bakery. The rabbi shot down the bakery, saying it's an illegitimate bakery, as he said, "Latkas aren’t a pastry."
People have been now watching over dessert. They did the study. It turns out the rabbi is right. The Danish and black and whites only get finished at the end of Kiddish. I even saw plates filled with them. One bite and then they leave the rest.
They said I can’t say blacks and whites anymore. I have to say black and white cookies. I apologize if my explanation of pastries is racist. I just understand that everybody likes the peanut butter chocolate squares. It turns out that the study showed that those got finished right away, and there was no leftovers on plates. And countless EpiPens were used as well.
I really hope Sharon got the rabbi's message. Which was "believe in H' and don't ignore His amazing Danish. The fresh ones with cinnamon and chocolate."
The most profound lesson of the sermon is that sponge cake is for mourning. I was always wondering why they have a non-moist dried out sponge cake in marble form at Simchas. It's to remember the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash.

They truly measured everything tiny, like idiots. Like they're building the shul as a one-person Sukkah.
Walls are a handbreadth. That was a discussion at the board meeting. Nachum learned some Halacha, and he thus argued that like a Sukkah is fine with a handbreadth wall, the back of the shul Mechitzah counts as a wall. Now the back of the shul is fully open with one handbreadth jutting out. 
Nachum also said that the handbreadth Mechitzah is fine. The Frum membership will understand it's our religious duty if they know we measure it with handbreadths and cubits.
The contractor is an idiot. The rabbi said he ruined everything by listening to our congregants. The rabbi blamed the contractor for the poor Yom Kippur appeal results. 

Nobody went with the rabbi's idea of him choosing Lulavs for people, due to safety concerns. They wanted a chance to figure out what would hurt other people the most.
People took to the Lulavs, trying to figure out which one would cause the most damage. Bernie asked the rabbi, "Does a pointy Lulav hurt more, or a very sturdy hard one that you can swing?"
The Lulav and Etrog choosing this year was way too much. We had people looking for hours to figure out which Etrog to get. They have no idea what makes a good Etrog. Marty was like, “This looks like a lemon.” Took him two hours to come to that conclusion and choose it. 

People Davened in the Sukkah. They said it is more structurally sound than the shul. To quote the rabbi, "The board had nothing to do with the Sukkah. So I trust it."
In a sense, the rabbi was trying to not ignore Gd, by going back to tradition and letting the board now he hates them.

The Techniques Used By the Board to Ruin the Building- A Guest Speech from Our Contractor class, was really just a board meeting. The rabbi gave the meeting that name.

Announcements
We ask that congregants stop detailing their sins to the other members when asking for forgiveness. There have been way too many physical altercations since our community learned the idea of asking for forgiveness for specific sins you have done to others. Please stay away from exactly what you said that set off the divorce. 
 
They say you shouldn’t sleep first day of Rosh Hashana or during the rabbi’s sermon. Please stay awake during the sermon. The sleep apnea in this shul is very disturbing.
 
We thank security for keeping everybody out of Shul this Rosh Hashana. They did a great job of not recognizing people they know. We also ask you allow members into the shul for Yom Kippur.
We hope people show up for Yom Kippur. We don't want to have to refund seats.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Understanding Your Annoying Self. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara- Stay Away From the Annoying Members of Our Shul. When Falling Asleep Disturbs Everybody in Shul- Hy and How Loud He Snores. How to Keep A Safer Space- A Shul That Keeps Out Its Members Stays Together.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
This is the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. Why do I have to hand out sources?! You guys need to see fifty sources and you're satisfied. You need it printed... The effort is there. I don’t need to write a whole Torah and hand it out. Moshe wrote it and handed it to the Kohanim (Devarim 31:9)... Because the Kohanim don’t lose everything. You still haven’t returned my rake... I let you borrow it last fall. I need it now. But you lost it... Point is Moshe didn't have to hand out sources. He gave us the Torah. The Torah is not a syllabus.

(Devarim 31:11) Moshe tells the elders and Leviim, “You shall read this Torah before Israel, in their ears...” "This Torah" is the Torah. There wasn’t another Torah, Simcha. Ever since you got involved in security you started questioning everything, even people you know. You don't have to question Torah now... They don't come to shul because you don’t let them in. You stopped letting them in...
You have to read it in your ears because you people don’t listen... Now do you understand. Now that I said the Dvar Torah in your ears...
Phil. You can't hear anything. Everything has to be said right in your ears. If it was for Phil, Moshe would've said to scream it in their ears...

At the end of Sukkot at the end of seven years. Hakhel... When you read it all the time you end up with Baal Korehs like we have at our shul. If you guys read faster, like Menachem, maybe we would read the whole thing every week...
(Devarim 31:12) Hakhel. "Gather the nation. The men, the women, and small children and your stranger... that they will hear...” We need everybody there to hear the Torah, because you don’t pass on anything. You don’t educate your kids. At least once every seven years they hear they have to shut up during Davening and clean their room...
Hakhel. Not heckle. Which is all you do Bernie. You heckle the rabbi. Hakhel is listening to me...

We read and we learn the Torah. The Kohanim, the tribe of Levi, guard it for us. But we have to know it. We have to hear it.
You have to listen. Everybody. Even the kids. Please listen already!!! Let me give a sermon!!!
These are things you have to do... We don’t trust you, because you're not Kohens. But you still have to do it.
Now listen. It is almost Sukkot. It’s time you finally listened to something. With your ears... The way you people listen with your... I don't even know what you're listening with. You hear nothing.
LISTEN!!!

Don’t detail the sins. To Gd, detail them... I don’t think Shlomo needs to hear how you told everybody how he steals everything from his job. He's been unemployed for six years, because you said he took a pen... We all know Faye is nasty and jealous. No need to let her know you said that. And we know her hat selection is quite disturbingly hideous.  
Just ask for forgiveness.
How do we stop Lashon Hara? That is the question... I have no idea. With annoying congregants that don't listen, it's hard...
Don't go into detail, Brian... Brian. You went out with his wife after they got divorced. And you were the one who... 

Everybody should do atonement for falling asleep during my sermons. Brilliant sermons... And you slept first day of Rosh Hashana. Didn’t even do Tashlich.
At Hakhel they didn’t fall asleep. If they would've heard Hy snoring at Hakhel, an ambulance would've been on top of that.
Hatzalah would've jumped up... There were a lot of hockers back then. A lot of Hatzlaha guys. But they all listened. They heard. 

We have to get Simcha off security.... Because he's not a Kohen and he has no Seichel. And he doesn’t listen... 
You kept them out and you know them... They didn’t have a ticket?! It was your daughter...
It’s a uncomfortable. You eat Kiddish with them every week and now the relationship is a ticket. And why call it a ticket??? Are they going to a High Holiday concert?!... That’s why it takes so long. The Chazin thinks he’s performing.
He was performing for very few people, because Simcha kept everybody out...
It's pathetic. You say, "We need your ticket. We have set seating." Look. Do we need set seating? Do we need set seating when there are 250 open seats?! Why did you say seats were reserved?!... Guy got inside. Snuck in. Sees 10 people...
No. I don’t think they had our congregants running security for Hakhel. Nobody would’ve gotten in if Simcha was running security...
You can't hear the Chazin's Davening when you're not allowed in shul... It is loud though... At Hakhel they let the Jews in.
The Kohens should’ve been trusted to watch over who gets in for Davening...

Stop listening to all the stuff the people are feeding you. Listen to the Torah in your ears... It rings. I know. Especially when Chaim is the one Layning...

The point is to listen. Our people are called together to listen to the Torah. Not to talk during the rabbi's sermon. He's still talking. Bernie! It's a sermon... "Hakhel." Not "heckle." You listen to the Torah...
It is Shabbat Shuva. The Shabbat of repentance. Where we return to the way of Torah...
You never do Teshuva, Bernie. What are you talking about?!... Still talking. Listen. If you listened, there would be Teshuva. The community would let in the members to shul... Why they pay membership to not be allowed in by members is very weird to me. But I guess that is security. We're safe, as long as Ethel isn't in shul... If we had Levites running security…
Not talking allows us to be better people. Not hearing you... Everything you say is Lashon Hara. 
We just need to listen to the Torah. And that means letting Jews into shul... You can't hear it if you're not hear, gathered with our people in Topeka.
Repent by being quiet. How you guys listen with your mouth...

Rivka's Rundown
The way the people usually listen is by looking at their phone. But they're not allowed to bring phones into shul on Shabbat. If securities job was to keep phones out, I would say that having Hymie and Bernie sitting outside is safe. If they're sitting outside checking phones, and the guy with the gun is checking people, our shul is in good hands.

The rabbi called him up and said the Shabbat Shuva Drasha in Melvins ears. Melvin is hard of hearing. Phil is 98. These people can't hear. I don't think the Jews entering Israel with Yehoshua were that old.
Then, the rabbi walked over to Bernie to finish the Drasha. He said the ending part in Bernie's ear.

The rabbi put no effort into his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. If I don’t see printouts with source numbers, it's not improvised. I need sources. You hand me a source packet, I respect you. What you say means nothing to me. I just like the feeling of knowing the rabbi went on Sefaria to cut and pasted the stuff. 

Our congregation would be happier if we didn't talk. If we just listened. Brian truly ruined that marriage. He shouldn't have said anything.
If people heard what I said about them, they would be egging my house.
I ask for forgiveness. They all know I spoke Lashon Hara about them. I talk, it's Lashon Hara. I can't help it. You see people like Brian ruining that marriage, and then you see the renovations committee making quilts because they ran out of money for a curtain, you have to talk. The only positive is knowing Melvin and Phil can't hear. I don't think Fran can hear either, which is why she's on the security force. Thanks to their inability to hear, my Lashon Hara sin count is sixty percent lower than it would've been. A hard of hearing congregation is good. 
The rabbi tried having a class on Lashon Hara. They just spoke more. It started with, “How do I not talk about Penina? She is so annoying.” And it went from there. They talked about Penina for half an hour. The rabbi then went into the annoyingness of each individual to get out the idea of Lashon Hara should not be spoken. Then somebody told the story of the Chafetz Chaim on the train. Where he said he deserved to get hit for talking bad about himself. So the rabbi called up Penina and had somebody hit here.
The idea of speaking good about people came up. But that turned out to be Avak Lashon Hara. Dust of Lashon Hara, which causes people to speak bad. Anything good said about anybody in our congregation turns bad. The kind thought of Bernie always showing to shul turned into a tirade of how the guy doesn't shut up.
So, final decision is that people in our community should not talk. Which I don't like, because every time I need salt now, I have to stand up at Kiddish and walk around the table. Then I have to go to the other side of the table for the dressing.

Rosh Hashana was hard. I couldn’t sleep. I tried falling asleep by counting my sins. It’s hard to fall asleep counting those.
I tried going with the regular way of falling asleep by counting sheep, but then I started thinking about all of those prayers where we’re Gd’s flock. And then I thought about passing under His staff and how I'm going to hell because of my sins. And I started counting those again. A lot of sins to count.

They do snore loud. For some reason, everybody can hear Melvin and Phil when they snore. Even Fran wakes up.
I thought snoring was fine. I don't believe it's part of the lexicon of COVID yet. Coughing isn't fine. You cough, you're accused of trying to land others in the hospital. You cough in our shul now and they attack you. They get security on you and throw you out for intent to kill. Somebody sneezed by accident, they got carried out of the shul.
I held in a sneeze out of fear of being tossed into the street for murder. The thought of somebody killing you will stop you from sneezing. It probably helps with hiccups too. Next time a hiccup is coming on, I'm going to think of the possibility that a member of my shul will see me and shoot me.
I do believe that the new reaction to sleep apnea was a bit much. Renouncing people's memberships was a bit much. The office said to my friend Sheindel, "Until you have health, the community doesn't want to see you." How that works with the blessing "you should have health" that everybody says, I do not know. We stopped saying that blessing. Nobody cares about sick people anymore. They just want sick people away from them. I think they changed the blessing to "all people who are not healthy should stay away from shul." 
And how it all works with the idea of visiting the sick?! I do not believe it does. The new idea is to leave them alone till they die. 
I checked with the Gabai. It turns out the Mishebeyrach blessing for sick people is only for people outside of the shul. If somebody is sick in shul, they are not part of the blessing, and we find a way for them to die. Unless if they are wearing a mask. The Gabai said it's fine if they sneeze into the mask. The fact that they're wearing a mask they blew their nose into is pain enough. They're thus allowed to stay in shul.

There was nothing about the Yizkur appeal cards to give money to the shul for family members who died. Nothing said on Yom Kippur. Nothing mentioned. No talk of monetary appeals. The shul finally gave up. They realize nobody pays them. They put out the cards and then said nothing. They just had the cards out there.
By the way. That was a Chutzpah. Right after Kol Nidrei, they hand out appeal cards. Right after we annulled all our vows and oaths, we are asked to flip a tab that says I'm going to give the shul $500. And now, they want another vow that I'm not going to keep.

Now with security nobody feels comfortable in the shul. Forget about the discomfort of flipping the $1,800 tab on the appeal card, getting into shul to pay it is too uncomfortable. You have Simcha on everybody's back for not being trusted as a member. And I agree with Simcha. I wouldn't trust any of the guys in our shul to do a decent job Layning the Torah.
The security is truly off. With questions like "where are you from?" It's awkward. I heard six people in a row say, "Topeka." And that makes sense. Our shul is in Topeka. Interrogation is done better by EL AL. If we had a guy at the door asking people who packed their Tallis bag, that would be legit.
And then after the interrogation of what address in Topeka they live at, which is the same one they've been at for fifty years, they have to show their seat number. They get inside and see 250 empty seats. 250 empty seats. Apparently, all reserved for not you. This all has you questioning if the shul wants you. And that is what makes the High Holidays meaningful.