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Shlomo had to do the stand and silent to quiet everybody. The only way to stop everybody from talking is to make everyone feel uncomfortable. The president wants everybody in the congregation to feel like they’re in elementary school. As a fast day is coming up, the 17th of Tammuz, we will be providing counseling for our membership, so they don’t have panic attacks from missing a meal. It’s summertime. You can visit sick people when it’s hot outside. They are fine with the heat. Just don’t be annoying when you visit. We are calling off the magic show due to sorcery. It appears that our membership thinks it’s real. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How To Shut Up in Shul. Fasting and Why You Need It. The Magic Trick of You Visiting the Sick for Once. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. Bilam is a prophet. The donkey sees the angel with the sword... I don’t know why a prophet can’t see something right in front of him. I don't know why the president doesn't realize his announcements are so long. I know the president can’t see how messed up his announcements are. ‘I’m going to be quick’... At least I don’t lie... I have never heard you say, 'This is going to be quick,' and had you finish your announcements in less than twelve minutes... When you are so focused on a task, like making money, you can’t see anything else. It makes no difference how smart you are. When you're so focused on the shul losing funds, you can't see your renovation ideas make no sense. When you're focused on being annoying like the president of this congregation... And Bernie. The question is who sees the sword... Sometimes someone else can see something worse in you. I know I do... Your flaws. The many flaws. How nobody saw the lollipop in the shul carpet. You all stepped on it. Not one of you bent... in you. How some of you can’t see how much nobody likes you. Sometimes I have to tell you... And when you don't see it, you overreact. 'How did the lollipop get there.' Your kid. The one that runs all over the shul. The one you don't see standing right here, at the Bima right now. Will you get the child off the Bima... (Bamidbar 22:29) Bilam blames the donkey for mocking him. which is why he hit him. He’s explaining it. Beating the donkey... Bilam is an animal abuser. The same way the board abuses the rabbi... The rabbi that sees the lollipop and how dumb this renovation of the Torah scroll is... It's a scroll. You don't renovate it. You fix it. You get a Sofer and they fix it. A scribe is not a painter... A painter of very small letters... (Bamidbar 22:30) ‘The donkey says, ‘Am I not the donkey that you’ve ridden all your life... Have I ever done such a thing to you?’ It's like dealing with the board. I've been here for how many years. Have I ever told you to renovate everything other than the area where Bernie sits?... Bilam could only answer, ‘No.’ Yet, you force me to work. Shame on you. When you’re so focused on your dumb ideas, you're willing to ruin everything. Even a good relationship. When you're so focused on yourself, you're blinded... I've seen the way some of your dogs turn their heads when you walk in the house. Your animals know more than you. This is why I don't pet you. I only pet your animals. (22:38) Bilam tells Balak that whatever H’ puts in his mouth he will say. Bilam was humbled by his donkey. He now understands that whatever H’ decides is what happens. Either that or he'll lose his whole livestock. This congregation is so focused on Aveirahs, you can’t see how dumb some of your decisions are. Stuff that is obvious. When will you see what H' wants... That means the Torah. When will you do Mitzvahs? The fact I have to explain this. Guten... It's like H' told you to talk in the back left during the sermon... Too busy talking. You can’t see the whole shul wants you to shut up. I will wait... You're still talking... The stand and silent look was deserved. The fact that Shlomo did it is a bit of an anomaly... You can’t pull a stand and silent when you’re talking to your buddies in the middle of the Kriat HaTorah, Shlomo... Every time the Torah is read, it's a stand and silent from Gd... It means that listening is important... Last Yud Zayin Tammuz a member of our congregation was crying because they didn’t have cereal. The fast of the 17th of Tammuz is upon us and we must have the vision to see what's in front of us... A dinner of eggs and a bagel with Temp Tee cream cheese... Well. That's what I'm having after the fast... The vision to see that people are still talking in shul. The vision to see that the only thing that needs renovations is a pipe sticking out with a sharp edge... That's dangerous... Well, I see it. And I feel like you're beating me. The vision to see that H' wants you to visit the elderly and the sick. Members of our congregation who paid for the renovations forty-eight years ago... You’re like the opposite of Avraham... No. They’re sick and lonely. Visit them. You’re the one that’s too hot... Magic means it’s not real. If magic was real, the back left of the congregation wouldn't be here right now... Why I have to explain that sorcery is something you should stay away from. A bunch of Balaks.... Like a Bilam. You thought he could figure out who was going to win the all-star game... You lost the bet because of your belief in sorcery. We become accustomed to what we desire. And you desire to spend two million dollars on renovations without giving your rabbi a raise or vacation... Sometimes we have to listen to our donkey. It’s smarter than us. It knows magic isn’t real. It knows you can eat after a fast. It knows to shut the ---- up in shul... Listen to Rivka. She knows what she’s saying. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi called me a Chamor. At least an Aton. Whatever a donkey is, he called me that. 'The question is who sees the sword.' Prophetic. That's how our rabbi gives the Drasha. Brilliance. The rabbi didn’t curse. He said, ‘Shut the shul up in shul.’ I think he did curse in Yiddish though. He said something like 'Guten.' It was Yiddish and one syllable. It sounded like a curse. He was asking why the shul beats him down so much. The rabbi was able to answer his own question. They're Reshaim. The shul has an evil board. They make him work. The rabbi that has given so many years, they still make him work. Even after this sermon the rabbi didn't score the vacation for the month of August he was hoping. Why does everybody need to do renovations? They're a bunch of Reshaim. They want the shul to look like it's not the shul. They want to renovate everything in the shul. That's the new policy. 'Renovate it all.' At the last open board meeting they explained the specifics of everything. It turned out that meant everything. The plan showed the building getting blown up. It looked like an act of antisemitism from the board. The head of the renovation committee said, 'Renovate everything is what non-profits do.' They brought in a consultant who said to renovate. The guy had to get paid, so he said renovations is what will make the future of this congregation. They're renovating everything they see. Torah scrolls. Siddurs. Machzors. Any kind of prayerbook, they're renovating it. What renovating Siddurs looks like, I don't know. It might be that the board is trying to start a new Jewish movement. When the question of money came up, they said, 'Somebody will give it.' As for seeing what is in front of me, I know it won't be anybody on the committee. Anytime somebody says they’re going to be quick, it’s a twenty-minute speech. The president is giving twenty-minute speeches about who’s on the Chesed committee. I have never seen anybody on the Chesed committee do an act of kindness. A Chesed would be to not give those speeches, and to just make an announcement. There is a point where an announcement turns into a speech. I think that point starts with our president. I think it’s a true Sakanat Nefashot (risking of life) in our shul to fast. I have never seen people worry that much. They can have a heart attack just hearing that there is no potato kugel at Kiddish. They come to shul for the conversation. I come to see my doctor. There is no copay in shul. That was a long stand and silent. After a fifteen second stand and silent everybody thought they were the ones talking. That stand and silent felt like twelve minutes. Each second is like a minute in a stand and silent. The rabbi was picking up on the geshtalt of the stand and silent with the ‘I will wait.’ The 'I will wait' is an excellent exclamation point on the stand and silent. The rabbi has never done the ‘I will wait’ before. I still think the stand and silent is stronger, if you want people to feel like children. The stand and silent truly makes you more important than the other people. With the stand and silent I felt like I did something wrong. I even apologized to Shlomo. I don't know how it happened. I apologized to him. He talks more than anybody. Shlomo has had his head held high this week. I think once he pulled that stand and silent he took control of the congregation. In think he has more power now than the rabbi. And he didn't even say anything. I've got to figure out how to pull the stand and silent with my kids. They keep expecting me to buy them the non-generic cereals. They have too much power over me. How they don’t visit the sick. I can tell you that. They think about themselves. They see the guy with a cut off leg and they think about how bad they have it emotionally with their cough. Sick people are lonely and alone. Even so, I think the only thing that would make them feel sicker is a visit from one of our congregants from Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah. The magic show was like watching a guy show off. Everything they did, they waited for applause. 'Look what I did. Clap for me!!!’ The membership loved the magic show. They thought the guy really cut off his arm. They thought the magic guy could do anything. They asked the magician who to bet for in the WNBA all-star game. The magician was wrong. He took Team USA. The congregants now call the magician Bilam. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Chukat7/14/2024
Announcements
Single people are still at shul. Please invite them for something. They’re lonely and pathetic. They need your help. When you see a single person, think Chesed. Chesed and Rachmanis. Kids are away at camp. We feel that is important to announce. We just wanted to bring a bissel Simcha to everybody. We want to wish the Bar Mitzvah boy a Mazel Tov, though none of his friends are here. They’re at camp. We expect people with migraines to come to Minyin. There is no Mitzvah to not do Mitzvahs because you have a migraine. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Look at a Single Person in a Way that Lets Them Know They Need Help. How to Extend Camp for Another Two Months So the Rabbi Can Get a Cookie at Kiddish Too. How to Wish Mazel Tov to a Kid Who’s Celebrating a Bar Mitzvah at Shul when All His Friends are at Camp Enjoying Themselves. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 20:5) The people complain again. It’s like having to deal with Bernie and Rachel. Can’t go a week without complaining... ‘No water. No pomegranates...’ It’s like a board meeting. They would complain about pomegranates... Water I get. Who needs pomegranates? You’re starving and the one thing that comes to mind is pomegranates. They want to stain their shirts in the desert... Stains don’t come out in the desert. You request mangoes. It’s like the sisterhood were the ones complaining to Moshe... You always choose the worst stuff for Kiddish... (Bamidbar 20:10-11) ‘Listen now or rebels. Shall we bring forth water for you from this rock?’ Complainers are rebels. Which is why I call the members of the board, rebels. Moshe hits the rock and they drink. It's not that simple when the sisterhood doesn't head to Aldi to pick up cola for Kiddish... Even Summit Cola would quench my thirst after listening to you complain... It's the pinnacle of a decent price. Why did Moshe hit the rock? He had to deal with a board. I’ve been at meetings and I’ve hit the treasurer... (20:12) Then Moshe and Aharon are told they can’t bring the Jews into Israel... Yes. I am going over the whole story, because this congregation has messed up my life. Held me back from Aliyah... (Bamidbar 20:13) Bitter waters. That’s what these waters are called. I call Congregation Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah a bitter shul... No. Topeka just has bad water. It's the sewer system. Nothing is good enough for this congregation. You remember the time I took everybody on the whitewater rafting trip and we forgot food. Complaints... At least you had fun rafting... You complain and this is why I can’t get away for a little summer vacation. You’re rebels. You make me want to hit stuff... Because you do everything wrong... What do you want us to say? Single people love life?!... The divorcees are more pathetic. You want them to know that they're a Rachmanis. They should feel their pity. It's the way you invite them. You want to make it bitter. It's that look of pathetic sadness, where you bring you lips together and tilt your head... The head tilt makes people feel like they're a Rachmanis... It helps add to their bitterness... It's because you focus on the negative. You're not single. There's no reason to focus on negative... H’ does give us blessings. The kids are away at camp... Yes. I want a glazed sugar cookie too. I love the hard sugar frosting... Those little rebels take it all. Who plans a Bar Mitzvah for the summer? None of the kids are here... It’s your fault. You’re the only people who don’t try to get rid of your kids for the summer... Now. I'm not calling up Winny... And now you’re complaining about migraines. The Jews in the desert didn’t even complain about migraines... Migraines are not an excuse to not come to shul. What is a migraine anyways. It's a headache. I get migraines from this congregation all every day... Because you're rebels. I hear you talk and I want to hit stuff. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always gets mad at the sisterhood for messing up Kiddish. They pick the worst fruit. We had cantaloupe the other week. And they also had pomegranates. It wasn’t even Rosh Hashana. Everybody was walking around with a stained shirt. And they were not pre-peeled pomegranates. There was no chance shirts wouldn't get stained. They could've at least handed out aprons for pomegranate peeling. The rabbi blamed the shul for his not moving to Israel. He blamed it on making a decent salary. Calling Sadie a rebel was a bit of a stretch. I think the most she did was show up to a Bat Mitzvah where the girl's father took a shot of Glenlivet. The rabbi believes he’s helping the single people by letting them know how sad their lives are. He suggests it encourages them to get married. It definitely gets them crying during Musaf. I think the single people don't like being a Rachmanis. One woman just stood there staring right at a single person. She didn't even have to say the girl was a pity. The woman started pouting, leaned her head, while staring at the single, and then started crying herself. The rabbi commended the woman on her ability to let the single girls know they're a Rachmanis. He said the single people truly felt that look of patheticness. Never seen the rabbi so happy. He didn’t have to see kids and he got his cookies at Kiddish. The kids didn’t steal them all before he got there. The rabbi loves the smilie face cookies. Usually he has to berate a child to get one. The rabbi loves the cookies with the yellow hard frosted smilie face. He said you can't have belief in H' when you never get one of those. The selfishness of the children is rebelliousness. The rabbi even hit the Kiddish table once, when he didn't get his cookie. The rabbi refused to call up the Bar Mitzvah boy for the traditional intimate blessing speech. It turns out the Bar Mitzvah boy was fine with that. The rabbi truly didn’t understand why somebody wouldn’t get rid of their kids for a summer if they could. He tried running a summer camp for congregants, just to get rid of the members. I started telling people I have a migraine. Nobody cares if you have a headache. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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In honor of the 4th of July, we are going to get rid of our Chazin. We feel it’s time the shul had their independence. The Antifa protest at the school dinner wasn’t supported by the rabbi. Though the rabbi doesn't like his congregants, it was not his idea. It is just Antifa doesn’t like to hear Jews are eating schnitzel. We are asking for people to think about being Baal Korehs. We need a new Baal Koreh. The last Torah reader guy had a panic attack when he messed up the word ‘VaYechi.’ He was berated by every congregant, after they screamed at him in front of the whole congregation. He started crying and had a panic attack. We understand the shul has many abusive members who yell a lot. This years’ Korach Award goes to Bernie, again. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Love You and Not Be a Chazin. Antifa & Masks: Do They All Still Have COVID. How to Correct a Baal Koreh Without Putting Down His Family. How to Not Be Bernie. The security training will take place Sunday. As she was there last time, Ethel is expected to be one of the instructors. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 16:32-35) Korach and his followers are swallowed up by the earth, along with their households and wealth... I don’t know where it is. It’s not a treasure to find. This isn’t Goonies. They weren’t pirates. The two-hundred-fifty who weren’t swallowed, who brought their frying pans to the fight, were consumed by a flame... I don’t know why people fight with frying pans. Like this is The Three Stooges... Our congregants would bring anything. If you saw the security training, you would understand that anything other than throwing a punch. A spoon would be more dangerous than Binyamin Zev Michel Ben Melvin... Ethel is only willing to get into a scuffle because she's ninety-seven and she is ready to go... Incense is not how you defend against terror... The lesson is , Don’t mess with your rabbi... (Bamidbar 17:2-3) Elazar Ben Aharon is now commanded to take the frying pans ‘for they have become holy... the fire pans of these sinners...’ I don’t address congregants by name. I just say sinners. The back left sinners. The fire pans were to be a cover for the altar. Yes. There is a lesson here. You can turn something used for sin to something holy. Kadosh. This congregation has a chance. The ability of this shul for holiness is huge... You can change this place. Can turn sin into Mitzvah. Holy. The amount this congregation has messed up, it’s a Kidush H’. It’s a sanctification of Gd. How can we make this place Holy... You’re a great Chazin. You're gone. I already feel like we're making Kadosh... Like the British, you cause people pain. You take away our joy by singing really long songs... It’s like a shul tax. Now, we're going to Daven quickly. Kadosh... Kicking you out of your job is a sanctification. We have beefed up security... It's Kadosh to scare Jews into keeping Mitzvahs. Since the dinner most of you have gone crazy... We understand. It's a shock to find out people hate Jews. I'm thinking the Antifa people are the board of the shul... They have on masks. I can’t tell. Maybe one of them is the president... 'Sorry little mistake.' You're ruining the Torah! You read it and you're saying something else... I know none of the members understand it. But it still ruins it for them. Nonetheless, you make it Kadosh. Your messing up gives the shul a chance to express their holiness by screaming at you... There was no need to start shouting. ‘You’re an uneducated fool... Who raised you... Goats...’ Who is the Korach in this shul?... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi just calls the back left of the shul sinners. That's how he knows them. Fast Davening seems to be what the rabbi calls holy. The rabbi truly feels the Chazin is a tyrant. It's oppressive. Forcing them to stay in shul for longer with his singing, they felt it was time to overthrow him. The rabbi’s sermon was forty-five minutes. At least. This whole hating Jews thing was never a shock to me. Even the mini mart near our house brought up the milk prices a good seventy-five cents. The Antifa people are scary. These masked animals were banging on windows at the shul dinner. They had on masks. We don’t know who they were. I think it was the shul’s secretary. She hates Jews. Almost as much as the bakery’s cashier. It’s weird to go to a kosher bakery where they hate Israel. I think I heard her say last time, when I asked the price, ‘Look. A Jew. Trying to get a deal.’ It’s a kosher bakery. We’re the customers. Where else are we going to get deals? The security training class was messed up. I think we'd be safer just getting beat up. Ethel is ninety-seven, I believe. She can't even pick up a cast iron skillet. Even this past Shabbis, the whole shul was waiting to correct the Baal Koreh. They love it. They look forward to it. They really scared the last Baal Koreh with the VaYikach fiasco. He read, 'VaYilan.' People were shouting, 'No VaYikach!!!' One guy got up out of his seat, 'It's VaYikach, you idiot.' Then another member took off his cufflink and threw it at the Torah reader. And none of these congregants read Hebrew. It was like a coup. They were all waiting to yell at the guy. First chance they got, it was over. They are all too uneducated and lazy to read themselves. They enjoy berating. Some of them joined the shul softball team just to yell at the umpire. They said it's part of the game. Shloimy suggested to bring in the umpire to be the Torah reader. To quote, 'He's used to people yelling at him.' What kind of shul has a Korach Award?! Every year it’s Bernie. He gets the award. There's a whole ceremony. The rabbi calls him up to the Bima and tells everybody that he wouldn't feel like a rabbi if it wasn't for this man. Then the rabbi storms off the Bima and leaves the shul for the rest of Davening. Our rabbi came up with the idea for the Korach Awards. Anybody who disagrees with the rabbi gets an honorable mention. Honorable mentions: Sam who said that he didn't want to go shopping for Kiddish when the rabbi wanted a nap. He got the 'I can't go out of my way for Kichel' award. Carolyn who always wears hats that seem to be a protest to the rabbi's sermon, because nobody behind her can see the rabbi. Fran who can't hear well enough. She gets blamed for not having good hearing. Mark who tagged out the rabbi in the Lag BOmer shul softball game. Shloimy and Faigee who decided their time was best spent learning Torah instead of showing up to a committee meeting. They got the 'We would rather keep Mitzvahs' award. Though I love the rabbi, I can't show up to all these classes. I believe the sermons is where the rabbi truly educates his pupils. The 'How to Not Be Bernie' class is a series. 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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shelach6/30/2024
Announcements
We need to raise funds. Thus, we shall be starting a committee. To answer questions of the congregants. This is how you raise funds. With a committee. The shul needs money. To answer questions of the congregants. We need money for stuff. We are asking members to pay their dues. Many members have asked why? It was discussed by the board for many hours. It was decided that dues have to be paid because they’re dues. Please Note: Dues do not give you the right to talk during Davening. Another three-hundred-dollar dinner is this week. It’s a fundraiser We ask members practice wrapping their Tallis so the rest of the congregation doesn’t have to wait an hour for them to get an Aliyah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Join a Committee and Annoy People. How to Wrap a Tallis Around Your Shoulders Without Making Everyone Wait for Your Barchu. (follow-up class) How to Not Do A 15 Minute Mishebeyrach. Due to safety, we will not announce where the classes are. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s the way our people responded to Yehoshua and Calev... It's kind of like the board at a meeting when somebody suggests a committee isn't necessary... (Bamidbar 14:8-10) The people shouted, 'tone them.' Anything decent. Can’t happen. Anything good, you want to stone people. I tried telling you all to keep Shabbis, one congregant tried running me over... On Shabbis. They even told the Israelites that the people living in Israel, ‘they are your bread.’ The nation wanted Manna. They didn't want to take chances on food getting worse, once they moved to Israel... They didn't like the idea of food that did not come from the earth?! They didn't know about Chumus and Tahini yet... Big grapes are very scary. (Bamidbar 14:11-19) As they wanted to kill Calev and Yeshua and they didn’t want to go to Israel. Any reason to not go to Israel, just like our congregants who will come up with any reason to not come to shul... You still want COVID. It’s like COVID is your savior of Davening... Moshe even had to use the H’ of compassion prayer. H’ who forgives iniquities... Do you know how hard it is to lead this congregation. The amount of compassion that must be mustered... You're a very hard to love people. Will He forgive the board for not giving me a raise? Will He forgive the pain caused by having to serve on a committee? Will He forgive the trip to Israel that got cancelled due to a threat to the Pinkowitz vacation to Panama... (14:20-24) Only Calev will see the land... Of course Yehoshua. The rest who tested H’ will die in the desert... Lemon meringue pie can kill. But we're talking about a desert. not dessert. The shul trip to Israel. The protests... To this day, our congregation has a desert mentality... A committee. Why do we need another committee? I am already feeling heartburn... We need to protest committees. H' would have been fine with that. H' would support the protesting of a committee. He has no compassion for committees. What is the reason for these committees?... Why are people not paying their dues? Did you receive the ‘you didn’t pay dues’ letter?... There is no please there. It’s not supposed to be nice. They're dues. You pay them... We don’t care if you’re getting any service. We have services every Shabbis morning... People are scared to call to ask people to pay dues. Last time you threatened their life. When they said dues will help make the shul beautiful and bring it to a sense of lavish for H’s glory to be apparent, you wanted to kill them. you threatened them. You said you would pay dues after you stoned them... Finally, the board let people know that paying dues doesn’t give you the right to talk in shul. If somebody can please announce this at the next committee meeting. They are so annoying... We can’t announce where events are?! There are anti-Semites?! Did we not just speak of the Meraglim (the spies)?! What are we scared of?! I am scared of congregants coming to me with annoying questions... Oh my Gd. These people are annoying. How do You find the compassion to deal with them... That's my prayer... It's that you have no belief in Gd. Either that, or you're scared of losing you money. You're scared of losing what you have... Yes. You have to go to fundraisers and you have to pay your dues... You're worried about your life and money. There are only eighteen more fundraiser dinners this month. There are a couple of days in June left... It’s your fault if you didn’t budget correctly for the three hundred dollar dinners... I understand the fear of going to fundraisers. That may have kept people out of Israel... You cause sinful acts. We had to wait three minutes for you to put on your Tallis. The wait at Barchu was painful. Another Kiddish club started, due to your lack of ability to wrap a shawl around your shoulders... Your putting on a Tallis took almost as long as Galila. That was painful. This guy can't even get a cloth over a scroll. This congregation is very bad with fabric... If H' said we would have to use fabric in Israel with the congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, I would've protested... Learn how to do the stuff correctly... We have a congregation waiting for you. You get the cloth caught on the scroll. You get the Tallis caught in your hair. No idea how that happened... And the we all waited for Barchu. It felt like it took forty years. Forty years of pain... It's just a quick flip of the shawl. Swing the tassels around. And you hit the guy in the eye... Dealing with this shul is a test of wills. It has people questioning their Emunah. It makes one say, 'If this congregation is moving to Israel, I am scared to live there. Even if the fruit is big. It's not worth it... That takes too much faith in H." And then there is Bernie...' Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi just blamed the Jews dying in the desert and being allowed to enter Israel on the Meraglim and our congregants. The membership didn't understand why the people didn't want to go to Israel. They all love Israeli food. Then they heard how much the trip costs. The were protesting the shul's trip to Israel. Members were protesting their own trip to the Holy Land. They were scared they would have to pay. It was a worse protest than the Antifa guys. Very violent. The rabbi just wanted to go to Israel. He was hoping for another free trip. Why everybody is going to Panama instead of Israel is another question we have to deal with here at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. A committee met to discuss this Panama vacation thing and how it affects tourism in Israel. It turns out Panama has two really good Kosher restaurants. That's enough for our community to spend 5k on a trip. When the committee discussed it, they concluded that 5k is not that much, as long as it's not a donation. They are starting a fundraiser committee. That’s the goal. They don’t want to do fundraising. They want to talk about it. Every organization always needs money. I don't understand it. I have never seen an organization that didn't need funds. No organization ever said, 'We had a great year. We do not need to do a fundraiser.' If I open a restaurant, I’m going to call it fundraiser and charge a lot. It will come with a Bingo place attached. I am leaving town next June. Vacationing the whole month of June. Every school has a fundraiser in June. Some camps called themselves schools just to have a June fundraiser. There was even a nursing home that called itself a school for older people and had a fundraiser. I can’t afford these dinners. For three-hundred dollars they've got to give more than a leg. Then they send these nasty ‘pay your dues’ letter. Like they expect it. Worst part about dues. Everybody in the shul thinks they have a say because they pay dues. Worst thing. Would rather nobody paid dues and everybody shut up. The announcement of not talking just because you paid dues had a bad backlash. People asked for their dues back. If you tell them they can't talk, why would they pay dues?! They pay the dues so they can feel good talking in shul. The rabbi took a twelve-minute break in the sermon to teach people how to wrap a Tallis. Women were standing in the ladies' section showing how keeping a shawl on the shoulders is not that hard. One even showed the clip concept for style or men with no shoulders. One guy was so proud of himself when he pulled out his Tallis clip from his Bar Mitzvah. Menachem gave a whole speech about how his uncle gave him the clip when he was going up for the Haftorah. It's painful watching them try to wrap their Tallis. Just throw it on. We're waiting. A lot of waiting. Nobody cares if it looks good. I have no idea how the folded look became a thing. Now we have to wait for men who can't even fold a sheet to place their clothing. The same men who do Mishebeyrachs. So how do we show up to classes if we don’t know where they are. That’s it. I’ve given up. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Behalotcha6/23/2024
Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up. The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up. Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week. We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know. Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul. All classes this week are cancelled. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right... Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though... From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah... (Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault. We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am. (Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late... They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse. Things have to be done at the right time. Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome. Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd... Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?! Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing. The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew... Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees... We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out... But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach... Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva... A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?! You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times. Rivka's Rundown A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them. That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club. The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair. Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time. The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them. The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well. So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’ They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’ The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class. It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up. It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that. It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around. Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us. They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie. A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are. They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers. The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Nasso6/16/2024
Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils. Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.' We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel. Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares. Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise... (Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out. Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?... We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie. Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’ I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen... (Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues. It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours... This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went. It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer. You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul. Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up... Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had. You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days. You are ruining the shul community. Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves. The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel... If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots... Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion… Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this... We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews. Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious. Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants. The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community. They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.' The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm. Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.' The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people. The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.' It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him. This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to. Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run. These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up. Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’ A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem. I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages. When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi. After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp. Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We are hosting a lactose free Shavuot for all of those who find it hard to watch happy people who enjoy life and cheesecake. Strollers don’t belong right at the door in the back entrance of the shul. People have asked why we have to announce this. If you have to ask how oblivious one has to be to not notice they are blocking the doorway. If you look at the parents in our shul, you will understand. We all hate them. Yom Yerushalayim Music Tefillah didn’t draw people. It turns out that adding forty-five minutes to a five-minute service doesn't excite people. Next time we will do have prayers without song to make the services more enjoyable and meaningful. We want to apologize to Moishie for giving him Galila. Rolling the Torah scroll is for non-important Jews. We thought Moishie didn’t keep Shabbat. That’s our fault. We just found out he’s wealthy. We want to wish our support for all of our NY Rangers fans. The Jewish community is mourning the loss to the Florida Panthers. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 2:2) ‘Man by his flag, according to his signs according to his father’s house is how the children of Israel shall encamp...’ I am trying to figure out why I have to see Bernie. There is no Bernie family flag here... You don’t set up camp without hanging a flag. You don’t identify a people with laundry... A clean flag. That’s how you identify. You hang a clean flag. This isn’t the Felsenstein residence, with laundry on the front lawn. Identifying with... With an insignia. You need an insignia... Michael Felsenstein on an undershirt tag is not an insignia... (Bereishit 49:21) Naftali is pale red with a doe. You need the doe. A doe is a good insignia. Maybe with a jumping doe. I can belong to that. Without the female deer, Naftali can’t identify... Our shul’s insignia is a guy talking in the back left of the shul. Flags are important. Which is why I ask about the awning... No style. The color is white. What flag do you know that is white?! Plane white?! We don't even have the shul name on the awning... You bought it at Target. We don't identify as Target... Because we're not a bunch of snobs who like to pay an extra fifty cents for cottage cheese. Identity is important. People think they're showing up for a Clan meeting. They have no idea it's a shul. Through strong identity, the tribes come together at the Mikdash... The encamped around the Tabernacle with flags, because otherwise they would've had no idea where to set up tents. You can't even find the shul, Liz. They found you in the park next door, wandering... I know it's hard to find without an awning that says 'Shul.' A white awning doesn't help with identity, unless if you hate Jews... Pikudim for going out to war. Counting army age. We’re not counting for a pickup game... Identity. Signs of identity. Reminders of identity is the lesson... Your identity is not lactose intolerant... Intolerant. I believe the community identifies Sheryl as intolerant. Snobby. Turns her head. Says hello when she wants. We identify Sheryl as somebody nobody likes... How do you have a lactose free Shavuot? For one day a year, you learn to eat cheesecake for H’. You identify as a Jew and eat cheese... Strollers have to be moved. It’s like a stroller parking lot at the back entrance... The young parents identify as annoying people. Their sign is strollers. They set up camp at the entrance of the shul. The insignia should write 'Me'... Because that's all you think about. Are you unaware that there are other people in the shul that also need to get in???... That is a yes. You're parents and you're in your twenties. It seems like nobody wants more prayers. Nobody identifies with being in shul longer. A musical Hallel didn’t draw people for Yom Yerushalayim. It’s more meaningful without song... Because your singing is bad Sam. Nobody likes hearing you sing... Outside of services yes. With your guitar. But we're Davening. It's not a concert... Your guitar playing is OK. It drowns out your voice. If it was the Great Synagogue, OK. This is Topeka. Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... Identify as good Jews. That’s why you get Galila and Hagba. They don’t trust you as Jews... Moishie. It's how you dress. Too dapper. That's why they have you rolling the Torah. Not getting called up for an Aliyah. You only get post Aliyah honors. After the important people go... Galila is for people you don't trust with an Aliyah. Don't know if they keep Shabbis... Same with opening the ark and Hagba. You get the guy to lift the Torah... Works out. Probably doesn't keep Mitzvahs. Too in shape. Do you identify as healthy or somebody who's Jewish?... It’s about being a good Jew. The New York Rangers are good Jews. They identify as Jewish. Ever since John Vanbiesbrouck they're Jewish... They're Ohavei Yisrael as they are the Rangers... Artemi Panarin is an Ohev Yisrael. He would've got an Aliyah... The Rangers have an insignia. That's why you bought their jersey. You identify with it. Nobody identifies with guys who won't stop talking in the back left... Exactly. They're annoying. Which is why I bring you the new shul jersey. Only thirty-five dollars... We do wish the Rangers a Mazel Tov on making it to the Conference Finals... Another tough loss, like the losing of the Shiva Siddurim. If anybody finds the mourners' prayerbooks... And that is why we have an Israeli flag in the shul. And Bernie is not Israeli... Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi was trying to get Bernie to never come to shul again. He used the flags of tribe encampment to list people in the shul who shouldn't come because there is no shul flag. Though we do have an Israeli flag in the shul, the rabbi said Bernie is not Israeli. Due to the sermon, the shul board went out and made a shul flag. It was a huge hat and Sadie yelling at Fran to move the thing so she could see the Chazin and hear the rabbi's sermon. Sadie does insist that Fran's hats are loud. Some suggested Michael Felsentein as the insignia, like it’s camp laundry. They thought they were classy buying the awning at Target. The rabbi killed the board's lactose free Shavuot party. The rabbi truly came down on people with stomach issues. It caused a big ruckus when Shaindel puked in the middle of the sermon due to Shavuot preparation. She hadn’t had dairy since she was five years old and ended up in the hospital due to the rabbi's insistence on her being more spiritual and connecting to Gd through cream cheese. I knocked over some strollers. Probably broke one. I did my part. Yom Yerushalayim everybody said Hallel and ran once the Chazin started singing. You know who’s a good Jew based on what honor they get. An Aliyah is fairly important. A good Jew gets Maftir or leads Davening. Somebody who reads the Torah could still be a bad Jew. It's just that nobody wants to prepare Torah reading. The rabbi would even give that to Bernie if he was willing to do read from the Torah. The rabbi would praise Bernie as the shul's best member if he Layned the Torah. Opening the ark on High Holidays is for good Jews too. Or Jews who pay for it. If anybody pays for opening the ark, they're also good Jews. Moishie is a heretic. He's too healthy to be a Tzadik. We had many people mourning the loss of the Rangers. Nobody mentioned the loss of Isaac Bergman this past week. A great man in our community who was at Minyin each day. He was a great Baal Tzedakah. Gave charity without end, to all organizations and individuals. Only brought joy to everybody he met. I believe the Rangers loss outshined his passing and going to Olam Haba. Most people didn't show up to his funeral, as they were still grieving the Rangers. Twelve people showed up to Isaac's funeral, eight of them wearing Rangers jerseys, in memory. I believe Isaac Bergman was an Islanders fan. I also believe he was actively giving to Tzedakah to around twenty organizations in the community, along with well over thirty individuals. At the funeral, the rabbi said, 'It was a shame he never did full Teshuva. Though, in his later years, Mr. Bergman became a more spiritual man with greater faith, he never did fully supported the Rangers.' The rabbi made it clear that New York Rangers players would get an Aliyah. The rabbi pulled out the shul jersey at the end of his sermon and said, pointed to the logo and said, 'This is the shul insignia.' I truthfully don't know if having a rabbi that's a sports fanatic is healthy for the congregation's spiritual wellbeing. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We need more people involved in services. The Chazin cannot coach us as to where we are in the services. It looks off when our Chazin change his voice to announce pages. The shul is collecting the Yom Kippur pledges. The appeal cards have flipped tabs. You will be charged for them. It wasn't a questionnaire. Gamblers Anonymous meetings will take place in the shul so that people can pay their dues and pledges. It seems members are losing their money once they leave shul. Lag BOmer bonfires are not safe when our members run them. Next year, we’re bringing Boy Scouts or any person that is not a member of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah. Capable people we trust. The Memorial Day program was meaningful. We want to thank those who served that are not on the board. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Pay Your Pledge and Your Dues, Even if You’re a Member of the Shul. How Board Members Serve Nobody. How to Be an Incapable Member of a Shul (special guests serving as examples will be our president and board members). Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... No. It’s not the end of the Torah. It’s the end of Sefer Vayikra... We still continue reading the Torah. It doesn’t stop... Do you not like the Torah?! Is this a casual thing to you? Something you spit on??? (Vayikra 26: 14-16) ‘If you don’t listen to me and don’t do these Mitzvahs. And if you consider my decrees loathsome... then I will do the same to you...' Being on time to your business and skipping Minyin is not a Mitzvah. You can't create Mitzvahs. Mitzvahs are commandments from H'... Taking the family to Disney World for winter break is not a Mitzvah. Paying your dues would be, if you did... H' is telling us there is a reciprocal relationship... I know you come and eat at Kiddish and don't pay your dues. That's an issue, Rachel. It shows you don't value it... H’ will make us loathsome. We’ll get burning fevers. If that doesn’t work. The land gets hit... H' has to take it to the next level. It's the same with the board. If they don't listen to me, you get a messed up wicker looking motif at the Aron... No. You use Jerusalem stone. There is a reason every shul does it... I get a burning fever every time I look at the ark... Maybe it's anger. I don't know. I do know that it feels like our land. Our shul has been destroyed... If you don't visit the sick, you'll get sick. I'm just trying to get you to be decent people. Maybe to keep a Mitzvah. To do a good deed. To give your rabbi a raise... Still don’t listen, and behave towards H’ with ‘casualness’ you’ll end up eating your children’s flesh (26:29). Well how about that one?! It's reciprocal. You treat people like the board, you get a messed up shul and you get a Kiddish with no Kichel. No Danish. No Kugel. No choolante. Just people... If there was no Kugel at Kiddish, I am sure many in our congregation would go cannibalistic... I've seen how you attack the egg salad, Bernie. Animals... Yes. There is accountability in the Torah. I know that doesn’t speak well to the parents of this shul who think it’s OK for their kids to take all the Danish at Kiddish. It's a relationship with H'. And that is made stronger with decent potato Kugel. There are levels to the punishments. H’ is very creative. We’ll even lose the Mikdash (Temple) and the land will become desolate. I think I have received the highest level of punishment. Being a rabbi to you. Then what... (Vayikra 26:36-39) Survivors will flee from enemies. ‘They will stumble man over his brother like running from the sword, but there is no pursuer...’ Kind of like our softball team. I pray we have a better year this year. We got embarrassed by Beth Tikvah and Yankel. When you get embarrassed by Yankel... You weren't running the bases, Baruch. You ran home. You ran to your house. Nothing is worse than fear. You will run from nothing... Bernie is just clumsy. Rashi teaches (26:37) You will have fear. ‘This one will stumble over each the other’s sins, for all of Israel is responsible for each other.’ We have fear when we're not together. When you can't get a Minyin and everybody is trying to pull in people off the street. Chaos. Fear... It's because you don't care about your brethren and sistren. Do you know how many times I've stumbled over Ethel talking about Sadie??? Sin. How many times I've stumbled over Mark, who can't pay his dues because he's playing Blackjack... You know who H' keeps His covenant with. It is our soldiers. They don't run in fear. They care about their brethren and sistren. They are responsible for their nation. When you're responsible for others, you value them. You value H' and His Mitzvahs... Because you care about the nation, Bernie. You pay dues, Mark. You understand that Sadie can be annoying too. I get it Ethel. But calm down. Sadie has a right to love wicker... I can't stand the new wicker facade. It is truly causes hatred. Respect what is being done, or it won’t respect you. People have to help out a bit. That’s how you show Kavod. We got the Gabai doing everything. Leading services. Announcing pages. Getting other people to lead services- which is him... Do you just ask yourself to lead... You're a Gabai. Stop trying to sound like a Chazin... Pavarotti never turned to his audience, ‘See page five in the pamphlet... Ahhhh.’ It sounds off. And you don’t even have a good voice. Be one who cares about their people, and you will not be casual to H'. You won't be casual to your shul... We're not in Israel. You don't wear jeans on Shabbis... Give something. You don’t even pay dues. Maybe pay your pledge... Somebody flips your tabs every year???!!! There's a tab flipper who is responsible for the phantom pledges... It’s a pledge. Pay it... Nobody in the office was flipping the cards. What are these pledge cards used for anyways. When was the last time somebody paid one of these?... Yes. I am asking our president. He hasn't paid it either... There are gambling issues in the shul. You gambled on the new awning. And you gambled on the new wicker motif. A bad decision. And one that has caused punishment... I feel punished... Lag BOmer was not a punishment from H'. That was just the inability of our membership to contain a fire. We will try to contain the fire next year, to not set the badminton net ablaze... No. We don't trust members of this congregation. Serving on the board of our shul has done nothing for our country. That’s why we don’t honor you. You have shown no responsibility. A desecration to H'... I hate the board... (Vayikra 26:40--46) When we confess our sins, H’ will bring us back to our land. He never fully forgets us, for He keeps his covenants. Unlike the Gabai of our shul who can't get a page right. We must confess our sins. If we can get the president of the congregation to come up here right now... Just keep the Mitzvahs for crying out loud. Every sermon, I have to tell you to keep the Mitzvahs. If there was a punishment maybe you would act right. You wouldn't be causal with H'. There wouldn't be Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah dress down Saturdays... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi finally said it. 'I hate the board.' They were so excited when they heard the book was finished. They though they would come to shul and never have to hear the Layning again. They thought Torah reading was over and they would be able to have Kiddish a half hour early every week. I think it’s the Layner that kills the shul experience for everybody. It's like hearing a Bar Mitzvah boy every week. Those kids take all the Danish. Every time. And they don't even eat Danish. They think it's a big cookie and then get their hands full of whatever that filling stuff is. Then Kiddish is spent cleaning their hands. When the rabbi spoke about eating their children's flesh, the congregants didn't even bat an eye. They were thinking their kids took the Danish, they can't eat that now. It comes off wrong when the one guy does it all, announcing the pages and going Chazanish. It's like they're punishing me. I’m not paying the Yom Kippur Appeal tab. The shul should know people don’t pay those donations. That’s taking advantage of people who are in an emotional state, praying for their lives. That’s exploitation of Teshuva. A conspiracy of appeal card fraud took place. I heard that behind the scenes the shul had its office staff flipping the tabs. Gambling issues are big. They brought a casino to the community. The shul couldn't even have the casino night fundraiser last year. People said they would rather give their money to the Siatica Casino. To quote, 'The chairs at Siatica are much more comfortable than the shul's pews. You want to sit there for longer. It's because Siatica cares about us.' Lag BOmer was messed up. Couldn’t get the fire started. Then they did and it was a situation. Badminton went up and we had to call off the Upsherin when the child's hair caught on fire. Board members wanted credit for serving. The chutzpah. Like they’ve served their country by making decision as to when to close the parking lot before Shabbis. Like they served their congregation by putting up wicker around the Aron Kodesh. Thank Gd there are no soldiers in our shul. A shul of very lazy people. A covenant of laziness. The membership keeps that covenant. When the rabbi said, ‘For crying out loud,’ it said it all. That made the point. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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We ask members of the shul to not drag tables, due to injury. Too many people have got injured by prefab tables that were not built right. Legs are falling and community members are catching injuries. Worst of all, tables setup for the fundraiser had to be reset. Tzuris. The shul dinner was very nice. We only had thirty-four people. It was a pleasure to not have to see the Pearl family and the Mosheloy. It was also appreciated by all to not have to see Bernie. Nobody is willing to take complaints about the lack of shnitzel size. It turns out the staff also went home starving. The caterer netted eighty dollars a person. Mark needed help with Galila. From now on, please watch members who have a hard time putting a cloth on a scroll. It’s painful to watch. Nobody wants to wait fifteen minutes for inept cloth wrapping. There are some members like Mark who apparently have not been to shul very much and can't figure out how to pull a cloth over a scroll without it getting caught. The Lag BOmer community BBQ will feature hotdogs. We are all very excited they will have hotdogs. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Put Together a Prefab Table. Rolling a Scroll, Putting a Cloth On It, And other stuff You Should’ve Learned 50 Years Ago. How to host a BBQ Nobody Wants to Be At... i.e. Advertise Hotdogs. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 25:18) ‘... then you will dwell on the land securely.’ We are speaking of Shemitah and Yovel. But what we learn in the Pasuk before, ‘Lo Tonu.’ Do not aggravate your fellow. Speaking in business conduct. When you aggrieve people you will not stay in the land. When you take people’s money unjustly. When a board doesn't pay the rabbi enough... Bernie is just annoying. Treat the land well. Be a good neighbor. Mow your lawn. Don’t start working at 7am on renovations... I know you’re a contractor. But people are still sleeping. People who don’t have kids. You aggrieve them... (Vayikra 25:19) 'And the earth will give you fruit and you will eat your fill. And you will dwell securely on it.’ If you keep the Mitzvot, and you don’t bother your neighbors... If you keep the Mitzvot right, you won’t aggravate everybody. Then there will be fruit. If you stop shuckling like a madman. It's crazy. You throw off everybody else's Davening... (25:21) ‘It will make crops for three years.’ This is the blessing for Shemitah... H' has to let you know, because you don't trust Him. You have a basement full of army rations and MREs. This is why many Jewish women use the freezer. They're worried food will not be there when they need it.You put up a brisket, you put up three... Leftovers. Keep the jubilee. That is the lesson. You keep the jubilee and don't worry about food... On holidays, you don't think about leftovers. The shul will have a Kiddish the next Shabbis. You can eat there. H' provides... When you have the Simchavitz family putting together Kidishes with Kichel, you will not be satisfied. It's because our shul has too many members not keeping Mitzvot... (25:17) ‘... and fear H’...’ You have a choice. Take advantage of people in business or fear Gd. What is your path? I know Michel takes advantage of people. It's more lucrative. My mechanic does the same... You can’t drag the tables. They fall. Hit somebody and that aggravates them... Because idiots in our shul put them up. Members put them together and they do it wrong... I don’t know how people mess up building a prefab table... Rings. Rings come down. A click. You did not hear a click. The honoree dinner was amazing... Not having congregants at the shul dinner truly made it a joy. Yet, the board aggravates everybody... Of course it costs a lot. The board is pulling in big. $250 for a shnitzel... Lo Tonu. Don’t aggravate. It was aggravating to spend $250 on a plate and to get a shnitzel. A tiny piece of shnitzel. I would spend eight hundred dollars to come to shul and not have to see congregants. Not having to see people there because of the cost was a positive. Not having to see Bernie... Business not doing well is a blessing... Mark couldn’t figure out how to pull the bottom of the cloth over the front of the scroll... Of course it can’t go over the scroll if the whole cloth is in the back of the scroll. Watching you pull was painful... Aggravation. If we have congregants that can't figure out how to put on a Torah cloth. Kicked out of the land... If Mark helped with the laundry... If you folded the laundry at home we would not be waiting for this. It was pathetic. What were you doing? How did you get your arm stuck in the cloth?! Your hand was coming out of the scroll holes... You killed the fabric. Yes, you have to pay. $250. You should be wishing the other congregants a Yashkoych... They all came up an helped you. It was a true shul crisis. Fifteen congregants trying to figure out how to put on a cloth... They were wishing you a Yashkoych for not being able to accomplish your task... Fifteen people helped... I'm aggravated just being here. Rivka's Rundown My neighbors are annoying. I wouldn’t leave the corner of my field for them. Leftovers is a Jewish tradition. We always do cook three times the amount. You just don't know if there will be enough food to put on weight on Shabbis. And that is a mitzvah. It's a catch 22. I am going to start bringing MREs to Kiddish. The way some of these people do Kiddish is pathetic. It's not H's way. It's like a crop that doesn't yield to satisfy a day. Leah got injured by the table. The thing fell. Got a leg injury. Hit the kneecap as it collapsed and she couldn't show up to the fundraiser. The prefab table class is given every Sukkot, where they also teach the members how to put together prefab chairs without injuring themselves. They don't ensure the rings fall down and they don't hear a click. They just flip the tables over and injure other members of the community. One Bat Mitzvah had three tables fall. Food went flying and the Hirshfeld family got injured. They all went to the hospital and didn't even get the chocolate souffle. They still gave Becca the Bat Mitzvah gift and that bothered them. Even wealthy people didn’t show up to the fundraiser. They were afraid that since they knew were it was they thought it was dangerous. Most members only show up to places now if they have no idea where they are going. That ensures safety. How they end up in shul ever?! Accident. These fundraiser dinners are a scam. The amount of shnitzel I got was so little. And then people ordered vegetarian and got an eggplant sliver. They want you to know you’re getting ripped off. These caterers are a scam. Vegans got a slice of eggplant. $250. It takes a long time for some of these Galilas. Everybody then says great job. It’s like they're encouraging patheticness. Mark was yelling for help. Then he got mad that not enough people helped. He first threw the cloth at the scroll in anger. Then he started whacking it. Five people came up to help by pulling the front of the cloth over. After Mark's Galila the joke started spreading, 'How many Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah congregants does it take to change a lightbulb? If there is a cloth, fifteen.' For Lag BOmer there are hotdogs. That's an advertisement? Might as well say, everybody is invited for bug juice in Dixie cups. It's pathetic. Almost as pathetic as Mark's Galila. If they wanted nobody to come, they should've advertised, 'No burgers and no steak. Just the hotdogs you love.' They always try to make the bad cheap stuff sound good. Last year they advertised, 'No fresh pastries. Just the classic Stella D'oros.' The board tried to sell their new idea for flooring with, 'We're getting rid of the carpet. We've decided to go for the rustic look.' If they truly wanted nobody to come to the Lag BOmer event, they should've let people know where it was. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Emor5/19/2024
Announcements
We forgot Mother’s Day last week. They are the most important people in our lives. We just forget them. Yom HaZikaron. We are announcing it now. No more complaints. Now you know for next year. We want to apologize for Michel and how bad he is at reading the Torah. He will read again this Shabbis. If you don't want to come to shul, we understand. Kiddish will be at 11:30am for those who still want to come to shul and avoid the pain of hearing Michel. We understand it's not Yom Kippur and there is no reason to cause yourself the pain of hearing Michel Layn. Shmuel has already messed up the Omer count. He has had it messed up since the third day. He missed it due to lack of thought. He is also a very bad Gabai. Marriage class on how to get out of marriage without losing all of your money will take place this Tuesday. Wednesday is the Pinkovitz wedding. We want to wish the Pinkovitz family a Mazel Tov. We also pray Yossi Pinkovitz doesn't get caught up in debt because of this one. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Know How to Read the Torah Before You Get Up to Layn, So That People Don’t Want to Shoot You. How to Not Forget the Omer Count Like Our Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 22:32) ‘And you shall not desecrate My Holy Name, and I should be sanctified among the children of Israel. I am H’ who sanctifies you.’ H’ has done all He can to sanctify this congregation... There’s only so much that can be done. When you have congregants like the back left... Why? Because He took you out of Egypt, Bernie. I believe that's a reason. I think that's a pretty decent reason to sanctify. A little sanctification is called for. (Vayikra 22:33) You sanctify Gd ‘who took you out of Egypt, to be a Gd to you.’ Does that not make sense? You sanctify the Holy Name that freed you from slavery... He did what He could there. He tried to help you get out of your first marriage. We had eight rabbis show, ready to sign the Get (document of divorce), and then she said she wanted four million dollars, and you stuck with the marriage... The least you can do is send your kids to Jewish day school, so H’s name can be sanctified amongst your children... Being decent athletes with cool friends is not sanctification. It’s sacrilege. Look at the Moskovitz boys. Very out of shape. Good Jews. Sanctifying. Let's talk about desecration and Bernie, and the back left over there. Well let’s see how you desecrate. You mess up the Layning. Michel should never read from the Torah... With the way you read, they should’ve thrown the candies harder at your Bar Mitzvah. If they would’ve nailed you, you would’ve learned a lesson... Frank hasn’t mowed his lawn since April. Desecration... They know you're religious Frank... Because you don't mow your lawn. That's how they know. The longer the grass, the more religious they know you are... Just mow it so the property value doesn't go down. And pay your dues... We don’t desecrate H’s name when you use our ability to sanctify... In your case, it’s to just stop sinning. Start there. Just don't sin. How do we bring glory to H’? You don’t mess things up. You keep the Mitzvot. You see what the shul board does and you don't do that. The Pasuk of ‘don’t desecrate’ is flanked by keeping Mitzvot. How about keep Mitzvot and stop sinning, and give the rabbi a raise... And can somebody please take their child away from the Bima right now. Why is this kid up here?!... Finally nothing this week. But we have a Bat Mitzvah. Oh shoot. Thought I had off. Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H'. Yom HaZikaron and Mother’s Day were last week. Thought you should know... You can remember now. Respect your mother. Sanctification of your parents... We are not talking about sacrificing parents. Bernie. That's honoring your parents. You sanctify them. You honor them. You don't do stupid stuff like not mowing your lawn, having people thinking you were raised wrong, killing the neighborhood... Does anybody get a calendar anymore?! Has the Jewish people stopped giving to non-profits that much that they're not getting calendars anymore?! You messed up the Omer already. Another desecration... Then give $180 to Chabad and get a calendar... Jewish calendars are very expensive. Shmuel missed the Omer count from the third day... Fourth day. Same thing. If anybody else in this shul is not a good Jew, I will be saying the blessing for the Omer every night, so you can be Yotzei (fulfill the Mitzvah)... How can you be a good Gabai if you can't count the Omer? You can't just get up and say, 'Do the Omer tonight.' You forget everything. Shmuel. You forgot your daughter’s birthday. It was her third birthday... You miss everything. You missed your Aliyah... Shmuel. You are the only Shmuel in the shul. They yelled your name. It was you. You're the Gabai. You yelled your name, Shmuel Ben Simcha... I understand nobody calls you that at work... I also wanted to run out once Michel started reading the Torah. His Layning is painful... Of course he missed the Yom HaShoa program. They hid the location from us for security reasons. He also didn’t know where it was.... Yom HaZikaron was the board’s fault. If H' takes me out of here, I will be able to sanctify His Name. Mazel Tov to Yossi Pinkovitz on your his fourth wedding. I am not buying him gifts this time. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi definitely writes the announcements. It appears to be a way for him to share his anger at Bernie, Frank, Michel and the Gabai. The rabbi blames the shul board for everything. I think he just blamed them for Yom Hashoa Yom HaZikaron. I don’t know if Bernie felt like he has been taken out of Egypt. He was born in Illinois. The being decent athletes being sacrilege was a very empowering lesson for our congregation. The members felt empowered. It was something they all felt they can do. With the out of shapeness of our membership, they now all feel they can serve H’ and sanctify His Name. Weddings are an important time in one's life. I think the class on getting out of marriage will be very helpful to the Baalei Simcha who are getting married this week. The Bat Mitzvah will be able to glean from the class too. I wish a rabbi warned me at that age. Many people thanked the rabbi for the class in fiscal responsibility. They said it was the greatest lesson in running a home. The more religious one is the less their lawn is mowed. That is how you tell a religious person in the neighborhood. I think it's considered Bitul Torah (wasting time from learning Torah) to mow your lawn. Frank is the rabbi's neighbor. The rabbi brings up the non-mowed lawn at least once a year. The rabbi tried moving last year but he couldn't. The property wouldn't sell because of Frank's grass. And then Frank put a jungle gym on his front lawn. That's the next level of the bungalowing of the neighborhood. Chairs on the front lawn is one thing. But a jungle gym, that's a Chutzpah. I thought Frank had no backyard. He has a huge backyard, he's just planning to build on it. He said religious people extend their homes back. According to Frank, anything people do in Brooklyn is religious. Yom HaZikaron. The Day of Remembrance. Remembering the soldiers who fought for our people. It's good that we'll be able to show the support next year. It is such an important day, especially this year with everything going on, and nobody even knows about it. Some people just thought they didn't know where it is, as a Jewish program in these times should be not findable. The office got a lot of calls about Yom HaZikaron. Nobody ever remembers what day it is. The issue is the calendars. Once Jews stop supporting Jewish organizations nobody will have a calendar. Then what. Apparently Mothers are not the most important people in the board’s life Though he talked of Kibud Av vEim, honoring your father and mother, the rabbi also forgot Mother's Day. He suggested people call their moms and tell them they forgot they had mothers that day, to show their mothers they love them. When asked what to do if their dad answers the phone, the rabbi said to tell them, ‘Just put mom on. I want to speak to mom.’ As the rabbi explained, 'You don't honor your fathers on Mother's Day. You don't want to diminish the importance of the day. It's a mother focused Kibud Av vEim day.' The rabbi just went off on Shmuel. He missed the Omer the third day. I missed the count on day two, when there was no Seder and nobody to remind me there is another Mitzvah I have to keep. People missed the Omer counting class. They also forgot the class. The how to read the Torah class was well received by the rabbi himself, who can't stand hearing Michel Layn. Yossi Pinkovitz gets married a lot. Fourth wedding. Each time the Kiddishes get smaller. He can't expect gifts with those Kiddishes. Beautiful message to Bat Mitzvah, 'Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H".' Our rabbi always makes the point clear and succinct. And then he goes off on Bernie. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask you give up the Chazin spot when you are finished with your part of the services. We don’t want to have to bring in the Gabai enforces to remove Ralph from the Bima (the place the Chazin leads services from, for those congregants who show up at 10:50am). The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will be announced the day of. For safety, we don’t want anybody knowing where it will be.. We are renovating the shul. Everything from the past must go. This includes members. We ask you watch your kids in the halls. Though your children are jumping, running and smacking each other, we have not made the halls safety proof yet. We also ask that you don’t allow your children to go up to the rabbi and hit him. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Make an Event Nobody Will Be Able to Find. How a Board Does Renovations to Destroy Tradition. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 19:23-25) ‘When you shall come to the land and you shall plant any fruit tree, you shall treat its fruit as Orlah.’ Orlah means it's closed off from enjoying it. It is forbidden. Forbidden to eat it. Like taking cookies before we make Kiddish... At Kiddish, we make Kiddish and your kids are crazy. Do something. Be a parent and let them know they can't take of the Kiddish before we make Kiddish... Even if it's a cookie. Yes. It's forbidden from enjoyment until we show appreciation to H' first... ‘Arel Sifataim’ means can’t talk. Moshe couldn’t talk to Gd... You don’t circumcise mouths. Yet. It would be good if you didn't talk. Maybe if you just stopped talking, the congregation would be happy, Bernie.... It would appear to be a commandment to plant trees in Israel too. This is not in support of JNF. They have taken so much money from our children... Your tulips don't count. And they die... 'Shall' is a Torah word. And I shall continue with the lesson of not taking Kiddish before Kiddish... There are things you can't do. There are many commandments in the Parsha. (19:26-32) 'Don’t round the edge of your scalp’... It looks bad. And don’t destroy the edges of your beard... When you cut it you destroy it... Then go to a barber. You have no cutting depth perception. Have a normal beard for crying out loud. I don’t even know if the men here are Jewish with these short things... Good Jews have long beards and Payis. And no tattoos. I can say that most of our congregation is going to Gehenim... Your tattoos are messed up. They are the weakest tattoos I have ever seen... It's not a bike. You're not riding your motorcycle in a gang. It's a bicycle. Bicycle riders don't need tattoos... It's about being holy. Kadosh. Don’t mess up the Sanctuary. The Kadosh... Look at this shul. Baby carriages everywhere. Stand for your elders and honor their presence, ‘and fear Gd.' You can’t fear Gd if you don’t honor your elders and you look like an idiot with short hair, a beard you cut like a fool and a tattoo that says 'I like tulips.' Practice the commandments. This is how you are Holy. (19:2) As H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’ Be Kadosh. How can we be Kadosh... How about following the Mitzvot. I have to constantly tell you this. It's getting annoying already. Every week... H’ gives us stuff, we have to treat it well. Our elders... We have to keep our traditions. Our artifacts. We have to not have these kids taking those rolled up hard cookies with raspberry from the elders... The older people love those hard raspberry things. They're like Kichel. Let us remember our Kedoshim. Those who sacrificed their lives for us. Our holy brethren who put aside enjoyment for holy... There are certain things in life you do. And some you don't. You leave it for a while. Let us not get rid of an Aron. An ark that houses the Torahs... Why can’t we keep the Aron... Let’s go through things that don’t need renovation. Because you’re crazy and you have to change everything... We’re about tradition. This is not a community center. It's a shul. The ark is something you don't touch for more than four years... Your renovations disrespect our tradition, because you're doing them, and you do dumb stuff... Your kid's Bat Mitzvah with the unicorn theme... You brought a horse into the shul with a birthday hat on it... I am still trying to figure out how a paper hat is a horn. Why not renovate not having kids running around during the sermon. Let's start there... You're destroying the shul like you destroyed your beards. Did I just see a seven year old run through the shul... She was yelling, ‘Weee.’ I’m giving a sermon, Leah.... I don’t know what ‘weee’ means. I do not that it's your child. You don't parent. And that is why your children will end up cutting their beards and with tattoos of some religion out in Eastern China. Stop them for crying out... When they're not stopped, we end up with people like Ralph leading Shacharit. We are Kadosh when don't do stupid things, and limit our use to thank H'. We have to limit Ralph's leading services, because nobody likes his voice... He was waiting to lead Shacharit, Ralph. You didn’t let him in... You stood there and kept going. You knew he was there. Share the Amud (the Bima where services are led from). There is a reason for Gabais... You're not the Gabai. You just call up yourself... Taking initiative for yourself to do something that nobody else wants you to do is not Kadosh. Cutting off use to be dedicated to H' is Kadosh. You not leading Davening is Kadosh for everyone... Everyone except you... Moishie is not Arel Sifataim. He sings much better than you. And these dumb decisions leads us to a lack of pride in who we are... Of course I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be... How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is. How do you show up to ‘I don’t know where.' Did the shul board put together the parade?... The point is the shul board should not be involved in anything. They make bad decisions and mess things up... Maybe focus on ensuring the rabbi gets one of the lemon cookies next Kiddish. I have no appreciation for the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi lashed out at the whole congregation in the middle of his sermon when he told everybody to keep the Mitzvot. He went off for twelve minutes on how annoying it is to have to tell people to keep commandments. He was truly mad about not getting a lemon cookie. Then seeing a whole pile of them on one kid's plate. The rabbi said that was not Orlahesque of that child. To quote the rabbi when his wife said he shouldn't take it: 'That is an uncircumcised lemon cookie sitting right on that plate.' And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. Maybe it was for the security of the program, that nobody should know it is happening. I don't think the congregants would've cared to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there. And with the new security protocol of not telling anybody, the attendance at the programs was extremely low. It turned out to be very safe with eight people. The organizers are still not very happy that people didn't show. They said it was a lack of communal support to not be present at the events when they are trying so hard to make them safe and not telling anybody where they are. I think the not cutting stuff and not messing with your bodies is a good commandment. We have the most messed up looking congregation. They truthfully look like a bunch of hippies with short hair and no beards, in suits. No cause for peace. Just lazy people who made bad decisions when drunk. They honestly look well kempt. They look like people with good jobs. They look like bad Jews. I agree. They're going to Gehenim. Just having to sit next to them, I feel a bit of Geheniim. I feel myself getting warmer, like a fire is hitting me. They are truly throwing out everything. I believe that is what they mean by 'renovation.' To just get rid of anything in the shul that's meaningful. If they had the money, they would destroy the facade of the shul, as well as the Kiddish cup. I love that Kiddish cup. It's huge and four generations have drank grape juice out of it. Never cleaned it. They would knock down the whole shul for the sake of knocking it down. And they would call it renovations. Why? Because they’re the board and they have money and they want to make decisions. I think that's the reason. The kids are crazy and the parents blame the shul. They sued the shul for not having safe enough halls. They suggested the shul should have inflatable cushions everywhere. They want to turn the shul into a bounce house. The kids were running through the shul. I think it was freezetag. One yelled, ‘You missed me,’ right as the rabbi was letting the congregation know they were going to Gehenim. So, I think it was freezetag. It's now normal for kids to be running through the shul and hitting the rabbi, saying 'got you' during his sermon. I think the only way to deal with this kid issue is to have the grandparents smack their parents. It’s bad. Ralph just takes the Chazin spot and goes. The Gabai has never asked him. He just jumps up there. Everybody is too scared to say anything. Have you ever told somebody who is clearly doing something wrong, they're wrong. It’s awkward. What are you supposed to say as the guy the Gabai asked to lead? ‘The Gabai asked me to lead'? ‘Nobody wants to hear you anymore.’ ‘Do you not realize you have stolen this spot from everybody else.’ Last time they had to physically bounce Ralph. For safety now, they have events and nobody knows where they are. This way, they are safe. The rabbi asked them to add to the announcements that members must also be removed from the shul. As part of renovations, he said that not having the membership will make the shul look much better. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already. Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office. To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival. We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate. You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word. Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city. The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad. When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting... I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel. (Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt... After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something... You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei... It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie. It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach. Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot... The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy... Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel. We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul... Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that. You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul... LaAzazel. You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem. I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious... To Azazel Bert. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel. I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though. The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah. Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat. I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more. We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later. The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier. I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings. The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad. It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience. Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming. But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Pesach starts this Monday night. If you are not suffering from anxiety, you are not going to heaven and your house is not clean. You can stay in your home this Pesach. We have found a cleaning service that doesn’t know about Pesach cleaning yet. They have staff that will come and clean your home. We suggest you only tell them how much cleaning they will have to do once they already started. Hold off on giving them a toothpick for crevice cleaning, until second day of cleaning. Please come to the shul office to pick up your Matzah. We will have a hard time pawning this off for sixty dollars a box to the nonJew who will be purchasing the Chametz this year. It turns out that Matzah does not sell at a premium on the secondary market. The leftover cake at Kiddish should be enjoyable. It turns out many people have Zomick’s meltaways leftover from Purim. We’ve noticed a young generation of annoying kids not saying thank you to adults who hold doors for them. Please let your annoying ones know they aren’t important, and to be appreciative. Or a kind person will smack them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Educating Children Without Being Locked Up. How to Get Your Child to Help Clean for Pesach Without it Being Considered Child Abuse. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We’re talking about the sacrifice of the poor Metzora (the afflicted one who speaks Lashon Hara)... Not everybody in this shul is poor. There is no reason why donations should be coming to the shul office in the form of turtledoves. Bring a proper donation... Cash. Not something that was hiding in your air-conditioner... This is why we speak Lashon Hara about you... We’re talking sin offerings and elevation offerings. The guilt offering is another thing... You should always feel guilty. Sitting in shul, you should be full of guilt. Just seeing the congregation, I feel guilty. I feel like it's a punishment for a sin I committed... I'm not pulling out turtledoves. I'm a rabbi, not a magician... (Vayikra 14:22) ‘And two turtledoves or two young doves, for whichever he has the means.’ It's a matter of what somebody can afford... No. Before the membership to St. Cantstandjew Country Club... Meshech Chochmah teaches that one animal is not greater than the next. It is all dependent on what one can afford to bring. This is not true when it comes to having me over for dinner... Everybody would rather get a decent piece of chicken and brisket. Nobody enjoyed the turtledove Kiddish... You own Minky’s Furs and you brought a kugel. Do your part. It's about doing your part. Knowing what you have and not taking shortcuts. Clean a little... You told the cleaning lady about the toothpick right when she got there???!!! Of course she left. You don't bring up the toothpick or pull out the oven cleaner mask protection until they've finished with the countertops... And that is my Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. You’re annoying... OK. I'll take questions... Just be honest with your means. We see you driving a turbo boost 2k scooter... It has jets. Literal jets and fire coming out of the back. You have money. Dedicate a Kiddish every once in a while. At least pay your dues and let somebody get some of the BBQ... Last Spring Into Shul BBQ you had twelve hotdogs... The Matzah is too expensive. I think that is one thing we can all agree on... I don’t know if it says in the Torah that one who doesn’t make enough can eat Streit’s at the Seder... I don't believe you can purchase turtledoves to eat instead of Matzah on Pesach... You should share. Other people might like the meltaway too... I have never seen a congregation care so much about Biyur Chametz that they don’t share cake... Nobody is eating turtledoves. We have to stop talking about turtledoves. If I go to a Bar Mitzvah with turtledoves... You are too relaxed. You have definitely not started cleaning your home. It shows. The lesson is to do your part. As an individual and as part of the community... Do your part. If a kid doesn’t say thank you for a door being held, smack them. Let them know to be appreciative... If you’re a grownup who doesn’t say thank you, ask somebody to smack you... What are my sources? The Torah. Rivka's Rundown The Shabbat HaGadol Drasha is shorter than any of the other sermons the rabbi gave this year. Our last rabbi used to give out long source sheets for his SHabbat HaGadol Drasha. It wowed everybody. He didn’t even speak. He just gave out sheets, smiled and said, ‘I did that.’ Then he would leave. Our rabbi quotes the whole Torah in everything he says. This is why he doesn't need to give exact spots. It's the whole Torah. He's a walking Torah who knows the importance of educating annoying kids. The shul office thought the turtledove donation was an act of antisemitism. They are cheap. A cheap congregation. Not poor, but they will try to get away with turtledoves for a Simcha luncheon. Matzah does not sell well on the secondary market. That is true. The rabbi finally won the congregation over by acknowledging the Matzah is way too expensive. It was the first time people cheered for the rabbi. They followed him home shouting, ‘This is our Rebbe.’ I love the prePesach leftover Kiddish. So much food. Half bitten. It's all good. I ate too much cake. The meltaway is the greatest cake. I ate half of it. It's the perfect mixture of babka and coffee cake. Some things are serious. And meltaway is one of them. The Spring Into Shul BBQ is very catchy. A lot of people show up for the food. They don't come to shul after that. Even during last year's BBQ, they couldn't pull ten men aside to get a Minyin. To quote Shloimy, 'I am part of this congregation to eat food I don't have to pay for.' I hold doors for these kids and I want to smack them. They are so entitled. I said to one, ‘You could’ve said thank you.’ And they kept on walking. They're lucky I'm old and without ability to chase them down. If they made kids slower, they would get whacked a lot more. Then this guy next to me looks at me like an angry person. No. I am a person who realizes this little pisher is a nothing. And the pisher gives attitude. What happened to appreciation? Is it wrong to express gratitude?! I turned to this pisher's dad and expressed, 'I do not appreciate you and your family. Nor do I appreciate seeing four hamburgers on your pisher's plate.' How these kids are allowed to take all the food... I really just want to smack the kids. Is that wrong? They have so much Chutzpah. And Chutzpah is not a good thing when I'm doing a favor. Is it wrong to smack kids?! My niece said you're not allowed to nowadays. I went to the Halacha class on not getting locked up for educating children. Very practical. I am on Shpilkies with Pesach prep. I am a good Jew. I don't have time for any more of this writing stuff. I have to shpritz the tiles now. 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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tazria4/14/2024
Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them. We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching. We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz. We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt. We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure... The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara... What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei? (Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.' If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section... That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup. (Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure. White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei. How do we separate. Separation done properly... Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis... You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night. I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation. If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise... Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling. A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids. It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder... Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation. The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach... There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool... We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be. The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win... You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about. And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice... Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham. Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.' The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading. I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant. Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint. The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey. Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety. The kids are loud at shul. I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi. They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy. Max does page ruffle too. He's loud. Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz. The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemini4/5/2024
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Please hold off on telling people you are in shul when you answer a call in shul. We all know you are answering the phone in shul. Our congregants are not friendly. If anybody fist bumps you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They’re trying to do Kiruv on you. If they smile or say ‘Shalom’ to you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They would not say 'Hello' to you if they knew you. We suggest you run from your home now. We’ve seen how not dirty some of you keep the shul. We do not believe that any of you will be able to make your home Kosher for Pesach. We ask people to sing Lecha Dodi with normal voices. We have no idea why everybody started singing in a high pitch harmony last Shabbat. Contemporary Halacha: This Tuesday Shiur on how to sing like a normal person and not Pinny, and how to clean your home for Pesach. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 9:22-24) Sfas Emes teaches that Aharon had a desire to bless the people after completing his first day of service... For some reason I have not felt that since becoming the Mora DAsra of this congregation... All you do is curse Max. Under your breath, you curse. We all know it’s a curse. When you say, ‘This piece of...’ It’s not a piece of a sacrifice... Nobody in our shul makes a decent piece of brisket. You're not requesting a dinner from our membership that can't cook. I have never been to a dinner at a congregant's home and felt a desire to bless... I still do Birkat Hamazon. (Vayikra 9:24) The people saw the fire that came down on the Altar and consume the elevation-offering and the fats. ‘The people saw and they sang joyous song and fell upon their faces.’ They were elated. Kind of like when Magic Johnson won the NBA title in 1987. And they sang good songs. There is nothing joyous about singing in this congregation... They had decent voices, Pinny. You can't serve Gd as a nation with really bad voices, cursing out everybody in the congregation... Because it's not joyous, Bernie. Even your singing sounds like a curse. It is a curse!!! When you sing, the last thing I want to do is bless... (Vayikra 10:1) Nadav and Avihu are killed for bringing an ‘alien fire’... Hearing the people of our shul sing is like a foreign sacrifice. Your singing is an unwanted service... This has nothing to do with illegal immigrants. Why you go there with every sermon I give now. Last time I was talking about cleaning for Pesach and you said I was offensive to illegal immigrants... I said nothing about immigration... You being on your phone is not what they would’ve done. You can't sing on the phone... Stop. You were on the phone. You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said, ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you had a conversation... Yes. We all heard. You were five times louder than you are when you say 'Amen.' You have more Kavanah answering your phone... I know it’s a phone. You don’t have to speak louder. Yelling doesn't help them hear you more five hundred miles away... You said, 'I am in shul right now.' You even said, 'I can't talk.' But you were talking. Exactly. And the rest of the congregation thought you were doing harmony... Because you sounded better than them... Serve H' correctly, with joy, without Bernie or Pinny singing, or Max talking on the phone, and people will want to join our congregation. People will want to praise H'. What’s with the fist bump? The kid is not going to be religious... Nobody serves H' with a fist bump. You don't pound it for Gd... You’re not cool. You’re fifty-six. We shake hands in shul. COVID ended... Stop. You’re the least friendly person I have ever met. And then you start giving fist bumps. People can see right through the fist. Stop pounding... Nothing brings togetherness here. Even the singing separates people here. It makes people not want to pray. And why all the high pitch singing... There is no melody. You’re harmonizing. The whole shul is like an amalgamation of the Bee Gees and Aaron Neville... His brothers sung melody. And please clean up the shul... Go away for Pesach. The dirt... I try to find some goodness. (Vayikra 10:3) Comforting Aharon Moshe tells him what H’ said: ‘I will be sanctified with those that are close to me. and I will be honored before the entire people.' How that comforted Aharon after his sons died. I don’t know. I do know that we should get rid of our congregants. That would sanctify H’. Rivka's Rundown Even when Max says ‘Hi’ it sounds like he’s cursing me. I might just be taking his Chuching the wrong way. He just talks on the phone in the middle of services, like it’s fine. Then he shushes people for talking. He thinks people don’t hear him on the other side of the phone. He talks so loud. It’s like he feels that since they’re on the other side of the country and really far, he has to yell. I think he has gotten to the point where he can't hear very well. That's why old people offend other people. They're thoughts are real loud, but they don't hear them. They think it's coming out in a thought and it's a loud yell with a Chuch for exclamation. Everything the rabbi says now is considered racist. He said we should have more fruit at Kiddish and people said that's against illegal aliens. I can’t believe the rabbi said COVID ended. That offended people more than the racism of saying people have to clean for Pesach. Truth is the fist bump is getting annoying. They pound people, thinking it's cool and that they will want to be Frum, because a a sixty-year-old with a long beard pounded. Some of the eighty-year-olds have no control. They end up hitting people. It’s amazing how strong they still are. I think the rabbi just wanted to not see congregants on Pesach. It had nothing to do with them having dirty homes. I don’t know what it is with the high pitch in our shul. They all think they're in Miami Boys Choir. I hear the singing and I start thinking about cursing. I am cursing under my breath. I can't wait till I get older and curse louder. I think the cleaning your home for Pesach is just an adjunct to the class. The Halach part is about how to sing like a normal person. That is truthfully what bothers the rabbi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Tzav4/1/2024
Announcements
Matzah orders must be in this week. It is only ninety dollars a pound. To note, we have checked and the government said that Matzah cannot be used as a tax write-off. Please be careful when backing up from your Amidah. We understand you are taking three steps back, but please look out for other members of the congregation. Cheryl got injured last week due to Samantha’s Kavanah and spiritual connection to Gd. The shul is planting trees in Israel, if you trust the Jewish National Fund to not steal your money. We ask our congregants to keep down the Bsamim cloves shaking when we’re not doing a musical Havdalah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Get Annoyed by Bernie. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara About Bernie Though He’s Annoying. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 6:21) ‘And an earthenware vessel that it was cooked in shall be broken. And if it was cooked in a copper vessel, that should be purged (in fire) and rinsed in water’... You should clean your plates anyways. They’re disgusting... It’s not Biblical to call it pottery. Earthenware is more Biblical. Gd commands Earthenware... It's stuff from earth. That's why it's called earthenware... It's not clothes. Mark said it's pottery... If it absorbs Holy blood from an offering, it is also not Kosher for you to eat from it. It must be Kashered, just as if it touched non-Kosher food. Like anything in your kitchen. Your kitchen is so Treif... If you touch it, it’s Treif. Michel. Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it... You can’t Kasher pottery... Earthenware is pottery. I don’t know why. But you have to break it... I have seen what you made in pottery class. It's horrible. That should be broken. You should’ve broke it before pig touched it... Pesach is coming. Break everything... We have to make stuff is Kosher. We’re going to have to have a class on Kashering. I hope you have enough time to purchase new utensils... A bunch of Apikorsim here. I just suggest you buy new kitchens. Then it might be Kosher for Pesach for a day... Then you buy new vessels. That’s what it takes to be Kosher. Money and eight sets of dishes. Three sinks, plus two for Passover. Extra meat funds. If you want to be Kosher... You can’t be cheap when it comes to your religion. Matzah is ninety dollars a pound. If it’s between day school and Matzah, you go with Matzah... Yes. The orders have to be in this week. You can't order the Matzah on Pesach... Because we are ordering it this week. The order has to be in when the order is done... If this congregation was a vessel, it broke... You break people. You injure them with your Davening. Your backing up from your prayer is dangerous. Did you pray for a Refuah? Did you pray for health?... Well you injured Cheryl. And thanks to Mark’s involvement in his prayer, Menachem was sent to the hospital... Your a dangerous Davener. And your Tallis is dangerous. You nailed Menachem in the eye before tackling him with your Amidah step-back... Let's try to build things as a congregation. To make this holy. We’re planting trees to celebrate life in Israel... It’s life. And I also don’t trust the JNF. They took fifteen dollars from my kid. Who takes money from a first grader?! You just bring me down... And Bernie, there is no need to shake the Bsamim that much... You don’t need to shake it for three minutes to get the smell out. You’re playing it like it’s a maraca... Why were you hitting your hand with it and tapping your feet???!!! I hope I can find a way to make this a Kosher Pesach Holiday. With none of my kids bringing him their pottery from school... It's bad.... It costs money to be Kosher. Dues cost money and you don't pay those... Yes. Bernie is annoying. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi uses his classes to get out his anger about Bernie. 'Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it.' Ouch!!! The sermon was about keeping Kosher and having Kosher dishes. I don't think it spoke to most of our congregants who went out to Wendy's later. I am just happy I have an excuse to not eat at their houses. I've been looking for excuses for years. I am buying machine Matzah. I can’t pay ninety dollars for somebody to rub their hands in my food. Many members got mad at the rabbi for telling them that orders have to be in before the shul order to Flat Rubbed Matzah has been made. They argued that as members they have a right to order Matzah anytime, and they should get it. They are dangerous Daveners. They pray and they attack you with their connection to H’. Tallis whipping must date back to Egypt. It hurts. It was a full tackle. I don't know how his step-back turned into a tackle. He actually stepped back, turned his body, lifted the guy and threw him. He said it was Kavanah. I think it was an excuse to hurt Michel. There is no way the JNF is planting trees with that money. I have seen what they do to the kids at Anshe Elementary. They take that money from the children and run with it. I have never met the JNF guy that plants trees. I have met the guy who takes money for trees. And who needs trees planted? Don't farmers do that? We’re at Havdalah and he’s playing La Cucaracha. Three minutes of Bernie playing the Bsamim. He thinks it’s an instrument. That class on Kashering vessels was the worst class ever. I have never seen so many people destroy their kitchens. The rabbi handed out sledge hammers at the end of class. With all the renovations that have to be done now, the shul will not see those dues paid. I don’t think purging should be taught to congregants who are bad with their hands. Most of the men in our congregation should not be touching anything called a tool, especially when there's fire attached. At least some of the homes are Kosher now. Kosher and without kitchens. 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Announcements
We ask the adults in our congregation to not dress up this year. The amount of makeup you use on a general Shabbis already scares the children. If you add any more makeup we will lose congregants. The Purim Carnival will include a Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. A communal request has been put out to not give your trash away in the Mishloach Manot. This includes Hamentashen made by you. Please only include bite size chocolate. The annual boutique sale fundraiser will take place this week. If you’re looking for gaudy hats, Mrs. Klein will be selling her collection.. Upcoming Classes: How to Not Look Scary During the Rest of the Year By Not Overusing Botox. How To Give Mishloach Manot That People Want. How to Not Miss Shul When It’s the Only Torah Reading You Have A Chiyuv to Hear. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Parshat Zachor. We have to remember to wipe out Amalek... You can’t even remember to turn on the heating in the shul... It’s freezing in here. The temp outside is 15. When everybody is wearing their winter coat in shul, there’s an issue... (Vayikra 1:17) The fowl, the cheapest offering, that which is from a bird is ‘an elevation offering, a fire offering, a satisfying aroma to Gd’... No. You can afford more. You are just cheap. The last donation you gave to the shul was a box of pasta you didn’t want. That’s supposed to be for the homeless... The shul is not homeless. You pay the rabbi a wage that is... The board is just too cheap to put on the heat... We're speaking of satisfying aromas to H'. Doing things that are pleasing to H'. Not the board. How is the cheapest still just as satisfying to H’? Rashi brings in the Gemaras and teaches us that no matter how much one brings, bug or small, ‘so long as his heart is directed to Heaven’... I would not say that Bernie has a heart. The president definitely... You are just cheap. Nothing to do with heart... You can’t even remember Heaven... It is still an elevation offering, and it is pleasing to H’. (Berachos 5b) There are three kinds of elevation offerings. Herd, flock and fowl. As long as one serves H’ according to their ability, it is accepted. ‘One who does more or less is the same, as long as the intent is for Heaven.’ You wouldn’t even remember if it was for Shamaim. I think we have to stop using 'spirituality' as an excuse to not give money. 'Spirituality' is not an excuse to not come to shul... The money raised by the board is not satisfying. I haven’t gotten a raise... Is it for H’? I haven't seen much money in the Tzedakah box... The fundraisers aren’t even Jewish. What does a boutique have to do with Judaism?... Then call it a thrift shop fundraiser. At least that sounds like charity, and me not being forced to purchase Mrs. Klein's oversized hats... Yes. Every fundraiser should be a Choolante sale. Not a satisfying aroma to H’. But Jewish. Mrs. Klein. Your hats are a bit too much... Rachel. I didn't even realize you were there. You were blocked by Mrs. Klein's fedora... The widest brimmed fedora I have ever seen without a feather. And no dressing up this Purim. Nobody does it for Gd.... Are you wearing a mask today Fran?... Then that is way too much makeup. You scare the kids. You scare me... With the makeup you're a foot closer to me... The makeup is not spiritual. You Mishloach Manot is not spiritual, and it is not for H'. I said it. It's your trash... Poppy seed Hamentashen. Exactly. Cheap and not satisfying.... Choolante in Mishloach Manot would at least be spiritual... We are looking for non-spiritual satisfying aromas to H'. Such as Nutella Hamentashen. The carnival was excellent. Especially the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. it was the first decent idea the board came up with. It was a satisfying spiritual experience to see Bernie get hit. Everybody was pleased by that. It was pleasing to H' to see Bernie get hit by a wet sponge... Rivka's Rundown I believe the fundraisers are there so people can feel not guilty about doing things that are Jewishly wrong. There was a Wednesday Night Binge Drinking for Gd, which seemed like an excuse to drink and wrong. Other fundraisers we had included casino night. And that wasn’t even on Chanukah. By the way, the fundraisers brought twelve dollars to the shul. People brought their own alcohol to the binge, and the casino night was all done with fake money. People could've given money to the shul. We're just a cheap congregation. Mrs. Klein is a bit much with her hats. I think she hit me with one of them last week. Didn't even apologize. I know Fran hit me with her makeup, because I had a mark on my face. It’s either makeup or Botox. Actually, it’s usually both together. A lot of it. I think our community would get along much better if we didn’t give each other Mishloach Manot. The gift baskets are a burden. When you see what they give you, it’s offensive. They think I need more bite size chocolate. If the wrapper doesn’t fully spell out Snickers, if I just get an ‘n’, I am not happy. The way people want Mishloach Manot class was taken to heart. People stopped giving it. Once they heard that anything other than bite size chocolate is not appreciated they all had to go back to Walmart with their Easter Bunnies. I would've rather had one of the Kosher Easter Bunnies. I think it's very important the rabbis give a Hashgacha to Easter. The chocolate is amazing. If all chickens hatched chocolate eggs, more kids would eat healthy. The rabbi was at the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth for two hours. He didn’t let any kids throw a sponge at Bernie. He said they didn’t have good enough arms. When asked why he was there all day throwing sponges, he said it was for Tzedakah. The spiritual excuse of not coming to shul and bad Hamentashen is very bothersome. It smells of something not pleasant. 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Sermons of Rebuke III: Pikudei3/17/2024
Announcements
We truly ask you all to not sing harmony anymore. You all sing different songs, and they all sound bad. Due to your singing, the rabbi, the Chazin, the Gabai, the membership, the guests of the Bar Mitzvah, the janitor and the secretary who doesn’t come on Shabbat, don’t want to be in shul. Our shul’s matchmakers are asking for Shidduch resumes. If you want to apply for a Shidduch call Mrs. Bergstein. She messed up my marriage. Volunteering for Israel Opportunities: Ten-thousand-dollar BBQ donations. Car rally carpool hosts. Lox for Chayal Breakfast Day. Snow Advisory is not an excuse for not coming to shul when there is no snow. Upcoming Classes: How to Not Sing in Shul. Writing a Shidduch Resume: How to Make Yourself Look Decent. How to Volunteer by Not Coming to Shul Ever Again. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It’s the last Parsha in Shemot... We will be reading the Torah next week too. It’s every week, Bernie. We finish and continue. That's tradition... (Shemot 39:2) ‘And he made...’ He did it correctly. He didn’t start making an artistic Ephod. This wasn’t Hillel Hebrew High art class... It’s important to do things right. Not like our board... Yes. I'm looking at the president. (39:21) ‘They attached the Breastplate (Chosen) from its rings to the rings of the Ephod with a cord... and the Chosen did not move from upon the Ephod, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ You don't construct like an idiot... Yes. I'm looking at the president who decided to do renovations on the sanctuary. When you build things right, they don’t move. They stay in one spot. The lectern has moved five times this sermon. Who puts a rabbi’s pulpit on wheels?... If you followed H’s commandments and didn’t do stupid stuff, the pulpit would be normal. You mess up everything... H’ did not command you to sing harmony... Then why do you sound so bad?... Etz Chaim Hee was never meant to be sung like that... It's bad. No singing is what I propose... You mess up every song. It’s not harmony. Definitely not melody. If you don't sing, you can't mess it up... We will start chanting everything... Who is asking for Shidduch Resumes... Who are Mark and Freida to be hiring people as husbands?!... I am against it. Not one of our members is qualified to work as a spouse. Applying for Shidduchs?! These people can’t get a job at Yossi’s Falafel stand. And Mrs. Bergstein has to stop getting involved. She ruins too many relationships... We're talking about doing things right, as Gd commanded. Gd did not command a whole community to get involved in Chaim's relationships... I know he doesn't have credentials for a job as husband... Your resume shows nothing Chaim. No references... It's about correct action. What have you done for Israel? War is happening. Did you take pictures in an orange grove? Did you pick stuff. A BBQ... Two hundred dollars does'nt make a BBQ people want to be at? Giving them hotdogs? The soldiers deserve better than donations from our congregants... What does H' want? People to be satisfied and blessed. You can't even do that right, with your chicken dogs. What Mitzvahs do you do right. Don’t even show to shul when there is no snow... An advisory??? Have you ever taken decent advice?... Then how did you get involved with Hermie?! His resume is off. (Shemot 39:2) They put the stones on the shoulders of the Ephod ‘stones of remembrance for Bnei Yisrael, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ When commandments are done right, they’re remembered. Nobody wants to remember the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes USefilah, who buy chicken dogs for Israeli soldiers... Chicken dogs are not good. This isn't the 1930s. They're going to war for us, Bernie. We need to give H' a reason to remember us for good. For doing Mitzvahs right. For not messing up the rabbi's pulpit. What is this? It just moved again. I have to lean on the thing and brace it the whole sermon... I bear the pain of the shul on my shoulders. It's very painful. Just hearing you sing. If things are done wrong, they will never be remembered. And that is why everybody wants to forget the board. I am trying to forget the singing. But it's too painful. It's stuck in my head. Bernie and Max's harmony is stuck in my head. Everywhere I go, I hear this awful noise. Like a wringing in my ear... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi summed up tradition beautifully when he told Bernie that tradition has nothing to do with Bernie. The lectern on wheels makes no sense. The thing moves. The small shtender by the rabbi's seat was also put on wheels. All of Davening the rabbi had to chase his shtender with his seat. He was sliding all over the shul. And they didn't put wheels on the rabbi's chair. Now the whole place is scuffed up. The board was rethinking where the rabbi speaks from. They had a meeting last week to re-discuss which way Mizrach is. The singing is painful. It hurts. Nothing is on tune. The chanting was even off tune. I believe the announcement was more against the members than their singing. I believe the message was that nobody wants to be in shul because of the presence of members. I am for Shidduch resumes. If a man is looking to marry me right now, it's a job. They've better have credentials to be my spouse. I put it out there. Only men with previous marriages. Interviews are also important. I interview them. Questions asked when applying for job of my spouse. Do you make a lot of money? What's your salary? That announcement was aimed at Mrs. Bergstein. She does get too involved. Come to think of it, she ruined my last marriage. And then she tried setting me up with somebody. She's a divorce chaser. She gets marriages broken, then she makes money off the Shidduch. By the way. You have to be a talented chef to get a job at Yossi's Falafel stand. And Chaim has no references because he hasn't been married. If you speak to Jill's reference, he hates her. They were married for twelve years and she wants full custody. I can’t afford the volunteer opportunities. It’s too expensive to volunteer in Israel nowadays. The Cars For Israel car rally carpool host concept was self-defeating. The idea of the rally was to have a lot of cars driving with Israeli flags and signs on them. People went eight in a car to save on gas and Israel had very little support. 120 people showed and there were only thirteen cars. And the cars were beeping as the cars in front were going too slow. I told our driver to not beep, as you're supposed to go slow at a rally. It sounded like the cars were counterprotesting themselves. I will try to volunteer more. Just what is Chayal Lox for Breakfast Day? How does that help the war effort? Snow advisory is the excuse all the time at shul. I don't know where our congregants are finding snow advisories in sixty-degree weather. Rabbi’s classes were great this week. The class on not singing was the rabbi telling people to stop singing. The rabbi took an hour gave one source which was his own quote, 'Don't sing in shul.' And then he pointed to each person and said, 'You. Don't sing.' And then he told them, that is education, and walked out in a very angry fit of rage. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYakhel3/10/2024
Announcements
Simcha candy fighting violence must stop. We are asking parents to stop their children from tackling younger kids. We ask that children be educated with the lesson that violence for a Sunkist fruit jelly is not what H’ wants. We also ask parents to not encourage their children to body slam other children who also like sweets. MMA education should not be brought to the Bima during Bar Mitzvah candy throwing. Felsenblum is looking for a car. Please sell him one. We’re all sick of hearing him talk about needing a car. We are going to start a weekly communal sway on Friday nights. We will sing Shalom Aleichem to arms on shoulders. We believe it will help with more crying during Davening. Upcoming Classes: How to Open an Aron and Cover a Torah Not Like A Yutz So That People Don’t Have to Wait Five Minutes. How to Not Get Violent When There is a Simcha Even if There is Food. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 35:21) ‘Every man whose heart inspire him came, and all whose spirit motivated him brought a portion to H’ for the work of the Tent of Meeting, and for all it’s labor and for the sacred garments.’ Inspired to give. To volunteer. Not our congregation. Our congregants don't help. They're inspired to do anything they can to not be useful... You've never helped anybody open a prefab table, Bernie... The first part of the Pasuk, VaYavohu ‘And they came,’ 'Every man whose heart inspired him came,' speaks of those who came to do the work of sewing and building, etc... Accountants were not useful Brian. Ramban teaches that they were ‘inspired’ as they did not learn craftsmanship in Egypt. This is not an excuse for the lack of talent and expertise in our congregation... You were not slaves in Topeka. There were the ones who spirit motivated them. According to Or HaChaim, they were not on the same level as those whose heart inspired them, as the heart inspired came from such a great desire. Kind of like the way the community quilt was put together by very untalented people of our membership. It’s just that H’ did not inspire them. It just goes to show how bad art can be when H' doesn't inspire you... You were inspired to mess it up. The congregants of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah were people who did not have any decent craftsmanship or taste. No artistic abilities.... Betzalel was inspired by H'. The spirit of putting together a decent quilt was in him. What motivates you? What inspires you?... People ran from shul so they wouldn’t have to fast because of a guy who can’t carry a Torah. Not fasting inspires you... My desire is to not have to see congregants. Last week, people had to wait for the guy to figure out how to open the Aron... The guy couldn't figure out where the ark's string was... And now you get the Parochet cover stuck on the thing... 5 people are helping him figure out how to pull a cloth over a handle. This is why everybody ran from shul. The patheticness... What inspired them was not having to fast. We're inspired for different reasons, but we are inspired as a community. The swaying arm around the shoulders with Etz Chaim Hee had us all praying for a better day. A day in which some of our congregants would know how to treat a Torah... Inspire yourself to learn a little... I was part of the circle of love. I needed it. I'll admit it. I've been working with this very untalanted congregation for a very long time. A little swaying can touch the heart. Bring a little inspiration... Sometimes you need another man to touch your shoulders. To put your arms around his shoulders and sway... You were weeping. He touched your shoulder and you said, 'I haven't been touched in...' Moishie. Your desire is for candy... Your child tackled the other kids... Stop. You were involved. You put it in your Tallis bag... You had him load up your Tallis bag.... Other kids were crying. You yelled, ‘He has more candy. Take it’... Your kids are you hit men. Little uninspired Sunkist fruit gem mafia... You get violent at Kiddish too. The violence in our congregation has to stop... You taught your child MMA so he can get more fruit gems... I'm inspired to get Felsenblum a car... If anybody has a car, just give it to the guy. Nobody wants to hear about this car thing anymore. We understand buying a car is hassle. We've all got ripped off... Ever went for an oil change? They take your money... No. Mechanics are Rashas. All mechanics are Rashas. They're evil sinners. I never went to one and didn’t want to shoot somebody... Seeing the community quilt, I'm inspired. It helps me connect with our history. I see the quilt and I feel like a slave. A slave to bad art... Maybe we are still slaves just trying to get out of Egypt. As we learn on Pesach, 'Every generation we are obligated to see ourselves as if we left Egypt.' If I ever get a better job. If I ever get out of this shul... Rivka's Rundown Nobody helps with prefab tables. Our membership thinks they open themselves. Ever tried flipping one over by itself? You can kill your hands on the metal. I'm just happy we've got some of the new plastic prefabs. There has been less shul injury since. I think the rabbi said it when he said, ‘Inspired to give. To volunteer. not our congregation.’ That was the message. Nobody helps. The community quilt is quite ugly. It truly represents our community and lack of care for people with illness. I wouldn't say they were helping anybdy when they made it. It was a general illness quilt. Nobody could think about any individual they cared about, so they made a quilt and left it in the shul, for illness. Like a Mishebeyrach prayer that people should be sick It’s pathetic watching them work on the Torah. It's so not smooth. The men in our shul carrying the Torah is a nightmare. The guy couldn’t find the string to open the ark again. And then they ask him to hold the Torah. I run out now every week. I don't trust these people can hold the Torah right. The rabbi was truly touched by the Etz Chaim Hee swaying the other day. After the guy figured out how to open the ark, a sway of brotherly love began in the men's section. There is something about standing next to somebody and putting your arms on their shoulders or waist and swaying back and forth. It brings you together. It even melted the heart of our rabbi. People have been showing up for the swaying. People need the touch. They come in for Etz Chaim Hee and leave. I think the shul might be able to pick up membership if we focus on swaying more. Then we were swaying on the women’s side. There is something about the arm over shoulder connection. I think we all needed the Jewish love. I wanted to do Havdalah all week, just for the sway. People at work aren't open to swaying. I think if they sung Havdalah, they would be into it. The dad literally opened his Tallis bag, told his kids to put in the fruit jellies, and sent them back out, pointing at a tiny preschooler. He said, ‘Grab the candies from that one, and smack him. He's small.’ There is a lot of violence when it comes to Simchas. I think it’s built-up frustration amongst our day-schoolers. Even the way they whip the candy bags at the Chatan or Bar Mitzvah. With that much anger, even fruit gems can hurt. The rabbi gave a Psak this week that it's Asur (forbidden) to be a mechanic, because they steal from people. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tisa3/3/2024
Announcements
The new whiskey at Kiddish doesn't taste disgusting. We want to thank the Berkman family for bringing a whiskey that doesn’t make you want to puke. It’s a pleasure to drink alcohol that doesn't taste extremely bad. Rule: The rabbi has decided that only people strong enough to hold a Torah can hold a Torah. In addition, somebody who has no idea what to do with a Torah is not allowed to hold it. People are having heart attacks, thinking these people will drop the Torah and they’ll have to fast. No more Torah honors for people who come to shul once a year. It turns out they can't figure out how to open a curtain. No being louder than the Chazin. The congregation needs to know who to follow during Davening. We understand many people like to show off when they’re finishing the Shema. It’s just confusing. Classes This Week: How to Hold a Torah so People Don’t Have Heart Attacks. How to Drink Whiskey without Sounding Like an Idiot. How to Allow the Leader to Lead by Not Being Louder Than Him. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Chazin thought it was Revi’i... There are a lot of Psukim in the beginning of the Parsha there. I thought he was reading the Haftorah already. It was only Sheini... Two hundred Psukim... Then read faster. I’m falling asleep. Thought it was VaYakhel already... They stuffed two hundred Psukim in the beginning there because they don’t want the Yisraelim to feel bad about being involved in the golden calf. I felt bad having to hear the Ba'al Koreh reading the Torah for thirty minutes. And that was before Sheini. Almost as bad as the new bourbon they brought last week. You guys feel bad about nothing... You should feel bad about how annoying you are as congregants... Betzalel and Ahaliav didn’t build the golden calf. They were better builders than that... The Yisraelim get the third Aliyahs and on. Pay attention. You've been coming to shul since you were... Don’t ask me why Aharon made the calf... He didn't build it. But he did. But he didn't. He really didn't... But he did. (Shemot 32:4) The calf is fashioned and Aharon tells the nation ‘These are your gods...’ But he didn't tell them this is their lord. But he did... Rashi teaches that it does not say ‘our Gd.’ It’s yours. 'Your gods.' The Eruv Rav, mixed multitudes, got them to believe in this kind of god. Kind of like the board got you to think that honoring everybody with Hagbah is a good idea.... The guy almost dropped the Torah. And then redoing the sanctuary... Redoing the sanctuary is not a good idea. Rebecca is going to be doing it... Exactly. Bad idea. When she gets involved... I have no idea what 'mixed multitudes' means. It's the English translation. That's why we use it. I can tell you who the Eruv Rav is. But that's not English... It’s the gods that you make. And in our shul, it seems to be really ugly ones that are worshiped with bad alcohol. (32:22-24) Aharon justified it for the nation. You have no justification for the poor craftsmanship on the art in your kitchen. The back backsplash is pathetic. It's bathroom tile... I don’t know how Aharon justifies ‘I threw it in to the fire and this calf came out’... I think Moshe bought it. You should throw the backsplash in a fire. He blames it on the Eriv Rav (Rashi). He was hoping it would come out of the fire shapeless, and the sorcerers made a calf. A bunch of artists. Post-modern style. If he wanted shapeless art, he would've asked the youth of our congregation. The day school art fair is horrendous. Shapeless stuff. Ever seen the papier-mache? A bunch of shapeless idol worshipers... Your idols are what you focus on, and you focus on bad whiskey. You don’t even like the whiskey. It’s a Walkman... Walkmans are things people used to listen to music on. This is a Johnnie Walker takeoff... It’s a mutt and they didn’t even try to make it sound Irish... You like it because it didn’t make you puke. That’s it. It didn’t taste good... The Torah must be taken seriously. The Jews forgot how easily H' and the Torah can be taken for granted... The guy almost dropped the Torah... He's not Moshe. He doesn't pay dues. He wasn't mad the Jews were worshiping a Golden Calf. Holding a Torah is an honor?! The guy never shows up to shul. He has no idea how to hold the thing. Took it from the Parochet. He took it by the cloth... You can't hold anything like that. But he still took it like that. Like the Torah floats in a cloth... It's not a ghost. This isn't the Aron. Did he ever have a kid... Must’ve dropped her a lot.... I almost had a heart attack watching him. That’s why I wasn’t around when they returned it. I didn’t want to fast... The greatest worry in my life is having to diet. Pikuach Nefesh. I had to save my life. The Eruv Rav of Torah honors... You should've known. Last week, he couldn't even figure out how to get the Torah cover back on the thing. He was the worst Galilah. The bottom was caught on the top part of the wood for five minutes. Three people came to his aid... All they did was move the cloth over the wood plates. That's all it took... Nobody looks up to your Davening Shlomo. You took over the Davening. Nobody even knows you... You came to our shul and just took over... You were louder than the Chazin. It made no sense. Nobody knew who was leading. They even waited for you to finish the Shema... I’m the rabbi. That’s my one Kavod... I think you were drunk. I truly want to smack you when you’re drinking. The way you talk like you know what’s going on. Very annoying. 'The Walkmans whiskey has a very fine metal taste...' Metal barrels... The Eruv Rav drinks Evan Williams. (Shemot 32:11-13) Moshe has to pray on our behalf. He has to bring in Egypt and our forefathers. He has to bring up H' looking like he took us out of Egypt to punish the Jewish people and that looking bad to the non-Jewish nations. For this congregation, I would let it be. H' wants to destroy it. It's fine. I think the other people in Topeka would understand why H' destroyed our congregation... Who is the Eruv Rav?I It's not the rabbi who checks the Eruv before Shabbis. It's the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi actually said, 'Damn this Parsha is long.' Most of the congregants are still trying to figure out what the mixed multitudes are. We do have a very diverse congregation. The Torah reader, Baal Koreh, does read slow. We need a speed guy for these long Parshas. A guy that skips Psukim would be perfect. And then to have a Bar Mitzvah boy. This is pain. The rabbi was so mad, he skipped mentioning the Bar Mitzvah boy in his sermon. They didn't even mention the kid in the announcements. Why they let the Bar Mitzvah boy do an Aliyah, I think the Gabai is trying to start fights. He even asked one of the congregants that thinks he's a Chazin to lead the Musaf service. That was an extra twenty minutes right there. Any time a whiskey doesn’t taste disgusting, people are saying ‘Pshhh. That’s good.’ And then they get involved in discussions about how smokey the thing is. A bunch of pretentious fools, they think whiskey is made in fire. The Torah carrying was messed up. Get people who know how to carry it. It shouldn't be hard. It has handles. And yet, this guy still takes it by the cloth. Then to see the 4'3" Bar Mitzvah boy. The Torah is bigger than the kid. I think I suffered 12 heart attacks. Each step the boy took to the Bima, I had another heart attack. It's the thought of having to fast. That kills me. I believe this was the first time the whole congregation identified with the rabbi. The greatest worry in a Jew's life is not being able to eat. Dropping the Torah is another issue, not as bothersome to our membership as fasting. Our Gabai is truly picking the wrong people. Even the guy opening the ark can't figure out what's going on. He couldn't find the string to pull. He was trying to move the curtain from the top of it. The guy was jumping up to move it. I have no idea how these people get into a shower. I think the Gabai just likes seeing inept people work. That's why he joined the board last year. The Gabai should've know the guy would have no idea how to open the curtain, he had on the Bar Mitzvah Yarmulke. Anytime somebody is wearing the Kippah they give out at the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you know they have no idea what's going on in shul. He even had the Tallis thrown over his shoulders like a shawl. The art done by the kids in our shul is horrendous. And they still hang it in the shul. There should be a sign 'this is how art looks when you don't practice.' At least make a lesson out of it. And then Rebecca, she is so bad. She still thinks papier-mache looks good. Sixty years old and she thinks papier-mache looks decent. We have a papier-mache lion to the left of the ark. It looks like a pathetic Mardi Gras float that got stuck in front of the shul. And that is why idol worship is forbidden. This new Shlomo loud guy is running the shul now. If you're loud you run things. The Chazin is second fiddle to this guy. He's singing songs and the congregation is with him. The Chazin tried going on, and he looked pathetic. Almost as bad as the art at our shul. The Chazin just stopped. He gave up. He even walked over and gave Shlomo the Chazin Siddur. The big Siddur was in loud guy’s hands. He wasn’t even Ashkenazi. He was leading our Ashkenz shul from his seat in the fourth row, with a different Nusach. And everybody followed. The Chazin couldn’t compete. I think one guy screamed at the Chazin, ‘Get out of there. This guy is our leader.’ I’m happy the rabbi went off on Shlomo. He truly hijacked our shul. We would've been a Sefardic synagogue by Mincha if it wasn't for our rabbi. I'm not going to lie, I can't stand people who come to a shul and run stuff without knowing anything. Even the Kaddish guys that show up for the first time without knowing the shul's pace, and then they run it. Very bothersome. The rabbi should go off on mourners for being disgusting people more. I think the rabbi’s classes are truly there to just tell the community how annoying they are. The classes were perfect this week. The whiskey drinkers truly are annoying. ‘This is good. It doesn’t taste like ----.’ The class had a sequel ‘How to Not Sound Like a Pretentious ---- When Drinking a Cup of Wine.’ The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Tetzaveh2/25/2024
Announcements
We know our congregants like to complain. We just ask that the complaints make sense and follow a logical flow. You can’t tell a Baal Tefillah that they’re leading too fast, and then to tell them they’re leading too slow. No more tie-dye. We want to commend Mark on his new suit. It’s an Angeleno. He has been showing it to everybody at Kiddish. We ask our congregants stop buying husky suits. They look portly. We have a very portly congregation. We believe that if people buy athletic suits, they’ll look more athletic. They'll still be portly, but athletic. Athletic portly is what we're looking for in our congregants. Upcoming Class: How Not to Look Like an Idiot in Shul. The Gabai of our shul is bad. We know it. We apologize. We have no idea of how to get rid of him. It seems to be shul tradition to have a really bad Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 28:12) The stones with the names of the tribes on them were to be put on the Efod. ‘Aharon shall carry their names before H’ on both his shoulders for a remembrance.’ He did not carry them in his hands. He didn't do a juggling act with the stones... Then how would he do the service? He needed his hands... You don’t need your hands, because you don’t help. You don’t remember to help. And you can’t even do farmers carries with eight pounds... To remember. Wherever Aharon went in the Temple, he reminded H’ of us... You can’t even remember when the time of Minyin is. Your wife should walk around with ‘go to shul’ on her shoulders... Then you might show on time, Walter... For Aharon to remember as well. Though he couldn't see it... We have to constantly be reminded. At least Fran. You have to constantly remind her to take the choolante out of the oven... You burn it every week Fran. (28:29) The Urim and Tumim went into the breastplate... ‘Aharon shall carry the judgment of Bnei Yisrael on his heart. before H’, always.’ It was there, where judgment was to be decided, where the names of the tribes were also present as a remembrance... Justice needs to be near the heart. Compassion. If it wasn’t for the judge remembering Shloimy from racquetball, he would've gotten the parking ticket... (Sforno) Having the names of the tribes on his heart inspired the Kohen Gadol to pray for the nation. I have never been inspired to pray for the congregants of this shul. And we have a list of all the members who haven't paid their dues... Our Chazin is a letdown... You wouldn’t even know who you’re praying for. You forget... You have to be reminded. Constantly... Then write the names on your heart... Our Gabai is a letdown. Our Kohanim don’t even remember how to Duchin... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... Got to remind these guys. They space out. If you all wrote stuff down... Rashi (28:12) ‘That H’ should see the tribes written before Him, and He should remember their righteousness.’ If it was our congregation, H’ would remember your annoyingness, and... You just want to complain... You told him he was Davening too fast. Then told him he is Davening too slow... What’s a Chazin supposed to do?! New rule. Nobody can share their opinions. Everybody has one, and it’s a complaint... I tell the Chazin he is bad. I tell the Baal Tefilah that he shouldn't be leading because he is messed up. That is OK... I am not complaining. I am making the shul a place that children will want to remember and visit when they're older... A shul without this Chazin, Gabai and board... Complaining is not a reminder. Constant reminders are important. Constant reminders how to dress is also important. You look like idiots. Tie-dye has to stop. Or I am out of here... I can’t have congregants who don't even wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis... Saying ‘It’s a’ does not make it a good suit... What’s an 'Angeleno'?! Angeleno is the name of the company. It's not classy just because you stressed the last name of the company... Shimon is not husky. It’s the suit. If he bought an athletic suit, he would look athletic. The guys in our shul will never be in shape. We accept that. We just ask that they try to keep their suits in shape... It just looks better... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... No. You really are a bad Gabai... The fights between Mariv in Shmuel are because you don’t know how to give Kibudim. Your honor giving ability is off... And you shouldn’t be calling yourself... It’s not a fair amount to ask Yochanan once a month and Felvel twice a day. And yourself before them... You don't even end up asking them... Because you say yes to yourself... You’re a bad Gabai. Almost as bad as the board. Maybe if you remembered their names... That's why the wrong person comes up... So. You call up yourself because you can't remember their names?! Write it down... We have to be reminded daily. Every second the Gabai has to be reminded to be a not annoying person. We have to be reminded to be good Jews constantly... You should wear Tzitzis. Heretics in this place... You even forgot to say Tehillim for Israel. Who forgets... Rivka's Rundown You have to remind everybody in this congregation about everything. They're oblivious to anything that is not them getting an Aliyah. Eighty percent of our congregants forgot there was a war in Israel. Some of the people aren't even posting on social media anymore. But they get up there and get an Aliyah, and it's a half hour of them rattling off every name of every cousin that didn't move to Israel, for the Mishebeyrach. I think their Aliyah to the Torah is holier than people who moved to Israel. It's a messed up understanding of Aliyah. Due to the rabbi's sermon, many congregants thought it was a good idea to get tattoos. Once the rabbi let them know that it's Asur to get tattoos and you can't see tattoos that are on your back, the Gabai decided it wasn't necessary to tattoo the list of potential Aliyahs. They told him his Davening was too quick. And they told him his Davening took too long. How do your respond to that?! I am still trying to figure out how to respond to Felvel. You can't. The congregation is weak, and they don't help. They don't remember to help. Truth be told, you wouldn't want them to help. Watching them carry stuff and grunting. They help in complaint form. They help with a complaint grunt. And they are weak. They can't even carry the weights to the rack to lift them. The rabbi started Chumash carries in the shul. Just so people would start helping. He called it exercise. It worked for a week. Then people forgot to exercise. Due to the rabbi's new program. People stopped using Chumashes too. They forget to learn Torah. People truly remember nothing in our shul. Choolante is always burned. The Gabai forgets names. You need a second Gabai to remind him. Then the Duchining is messed up. The Kohens forget they're Kohens. I even saw one Kohen washing his own hands. Everybody in the congregation forgets. The rabbi is correct. He's the only one who remembers they forgot. Fran forgets. She denies it, but she forgets. She forgets that she forgets. She'll argue for days that she didn't forget that she forgot. Not a fun discussion. The other people forget that tie-dye went out of style in the '90s. 'No more tie-dye' is an actual rule. They kicked three people out of shul on Shabbat, just for having a shirt that had more than one color. It was said that they were too close to tie-dye. It was a Geoffrey Beene. I would hope our congregants had more class than that. It turns out, they put the shirt in a wash with colored laundry. Tie-dye has to stop. What happened to the white shirt and black pants look?! That seemed to work for Jews on Shabbis for many century. And then Mark has his Angeleno. What happened to decent suits?! Why do they need to add the names when they talk about their suits? Because they're ugly as sin. I think the guys at shul are easily sold to. When the suit guy pats the shoulders, they buy it. It's hard to say no to that. Anytime somebody pats the shoulders the clothes feel good. That's why so many girls in the '80s were wearing shoulder pads. Rabbi is correct, you look like the suit you wear. If you wear a portly, you look portly. The class focused on clothes. The rabbi contended that if you dress in non-Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, you will look like an idiot. He then went on to explain how you wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, because it's Shabbis. To quote: 'You wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis because it's Shabbis. That's why they are called Shabbis clothes. It's Shabbis.' Calling the suit by the last name with an 'a' has really made the suits look better. The fat guys in shul are looking really in shape now, thanks to the huge athletic suits they've been buying. Size 66 athletic suits. Hickey Freeman should be advertising these oversized athletic fit suits. 'The athletic suits that swim in your shoulders and fit just right around your portly belly.' Putting portly in there will help reach our shul's membership clientele. I have seen many out of shape Jews that look good. As Frum Jews we focus on our clothes, not our bodies. Every fight in shul is based on what the Gabai does. He doesn't ask the right people to Daven and a war starts. The rabbi telling the Gabai that he’s almost as bad as the board is hurtful. The rabbi once told a board member, 'You're on the board.' He usually doesn't curse people like that. I don't know what got him so mad. That comment, telling the board member he's on the board, led to a fisticuffs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Terumah2/18/2024
Announcements
We have begun the new members campaign. In order to draw people to our community, we are going to get rid of our congregants. We realize that the problem with the shul is the members. We’re asking you not kick people out of every seat. The Makom Kavuahs are out of control. When somebody leaves our town, they relinquish their Makom Kavuah. To be clear: Felsenblum, who made Aliyah eight years ago, does not still have a Makom Kavuah. We respect people who made Aliyah. Shlomo is running for town board. Please put aside everything you know about him. We want him to have a fair chance at election. Upcoming Classes: How to Sit Quietly in Shul. How to Have People Like You. How to Not Annoy the Rabbi. How to Not Be Annoying to Potential Members. How to Not Tell Jokes That Chase People Away From Kiddish. How to Be Somebody People Want to Daven With. How To Pay Your Rabbi a Decent Salary. We ask members say the words of Tefillahs. Mumbling is out of control. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Temple tells you what gifts to give... No. It wouldn’t want your post-modern artwork. Nobody asked you to donate the sheet to the chapel. How the tie-dye fits into the chapel... Is the chapel's theme ‘lack of belief in Gd’? Then it would make sense the Pinkowitz family gave it tye-die... H' tells us how to make the Keruvim as well... There is a reason. I have seen the artwork of the children in our community. (25:18-20) The Keruvim have spread wings... Rashi teaches that they have to be spread up high. You would have them flapping down. Chilling with tie-dye shirts... H’ has to coach you on everything. Yes. If He didn't, we would end up with crayon drawings that make my fridge look bad... (25:21) ‘And the ark cover (Kaporet) goes on the ark, from above.’ Why H' has to spell this out... 'Ark cover.' It’s a cover. COVER!!! The board would’ve have had a meeting and covered it from below. Like a fool... Covers go on top. They’re covers. They cover things. Not like your shirt. This tie-dye thing... Are we living in the 80s? When did tie-dye become a thing in our shul? Legalization of marijuana... The car cover makes no sense... It's your only car. When it's covered you can't drive it. You have to uncover it to drive... That's why you're late for Minyin all the time. Let me coach you on some rules we have to follow for success in our shul... The congregants are annoying. The only way to get new members is to not have you guys here. No tie-dye. As we look at Shlomo's shirt, we know how ugly it is. And don't talk about Shlomo, it's not fair to his campaign. If anybody knows what we know about Shlomo it would be considered a smear campaign... I’ve seen him walking around in his tie-dye. Grateful Dead fan... No Makom Kavuahs. If everybody keeps up these permanent lifetime seats, we’re going to have no open seats in the shul. There’ll be 250 empty taken seats... Afterlife is not considered part of the lifetime plan. Just pay your dues for once... You kicked them out of every seat. One seat at a time. They went to the next seat and you kicked them out of there... You could've showed them an open seat. But you just kicked them out... Nobody was sitting there. We didn’t even have a Minyin. You can’t kick them out of every seat... Felsenblum hasn’t been here in eight years. It’s not his Makom Kavuah anymore... I understand you like extra arm space. But you have a chair with a watch on it. Does a watch need a chair??? You kicked out this guy... He was visiting. You told him the seat is taken and you put your watch on it. We need new members. That's why it's a 'new members campaign.' There is no apostrophe 's' in members. It doesn't belong to new people joining the shul. It is to get new people to take your spots... Your spots as members. So that the shul could have a membership the rabbi likes... If members showed up, maybe. They don't come to shul, and they still have seats... Even then, you don’t just kick out a new guy from everywhere. You didn’t even say anything. you just moved your finger at him... It’s threatening. I’m scared. Everybody should show up to the classes this week. Especially Bernie. How to Sit Quietly in Shul should be attended by the back left. No more mumbling the Davening. Gd thinks our whole congregation doesn't know how to annunciate. Other than when they're kicking somebody out of a seat... You mumble. There is no way you are saying anything... It's about covering stuff correctly, with Kavod. Treating the congregation right, with Kavod... Cover yourself when you sneeze. Rivka's Rundown It makes sense. Get rid of the old membership and new people might want to come to our shul, to be part of the community. Get rid of all of the members and tie-dye. I have seen the artwork in the rabbi's house. His kids are bad with Crayola. He has a right to be mad at his preschoolers. He has the ugliest fridge in the community. I think the rabbi was mad about the tie-dye and the lack of dress it has brought to the shul. When he was talking about covering the Aron, he was truly telling the congregants to cover themselves. I believe that’s why he stressed ‘Cover.' I am just happy he didn't talk about how we have to treat our bodies like a Temple and cover them. That would've been another twenty minutes on the sermon. He’s a seat kicker outer goon. He sees people come in and he just kicks them out. Just a selfish congregation. They never learned about Hachnasat Orchim. He kicked the guy out of the seat and put his watch on it, I have to say, it was cool to see Yankel kick these people out of every seat. One guy got rid of his membership, and Yankel still told the visitors the seat is taken. He kicked them out of the guy’s seat because he sat there eight years ago. And he’s doing it with his finger. He’s our enforcer. Yankel the enforcer. If I ever need a seat on a bus, I’m getting Yankel. The classes are just the rabbi’s complaints about Bernie. It’s a lot of mumbling. Pinny mumbles when you talk to him. Sometimes I think he’s praying when I ask him how he’s doing at Kiddish. We know too much about Shlomo. Even his Davening is annoying. I am not going to vote for him. He mumbles too loudly. It's annoying. If nobody understands his campaign speeches I will try to help and explain to people, 'Because he Davens.' It was tie-dye. Not a joke. Our chapel has tie-dye in it. We are not a remodern shul or whatever you call it. We are not any of the ‘re’s. The new members campaign was not successful. The membership was involved trying to get new members. Hence, we couldn't get rid of the old ones. It's a vicious cycle of the same members in our shul. The rabbi made it clear that he appreciates those who made Aliyah and moved to Israel, as he doesn't have to see them. He is the first rabbi I have ever met who started an anti-Zionist Aliyah campaign. His goal is to send all Jews of Congregation Anshei Beis Emes uSefilah to Israel, away from his community, to make it harder on Israel. To quote: 'I have dealt with them on the board. Good luck... Jewish Agency representative, please note, these people should never vote on anything. They have been on committees... They ruined my shul.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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When you know, you know. Here is how you know you have Jewish love. If he truly loves you, you will feel a deep discomfort and need to run away from him. Here are some of the signs of a Jewish boy's love.
You're Introduced to the Family He risks it all, introducing you to his parents and siblings, because he knows that they're the ones who have to love you. Your relationship has nothing to do with him. He understands that as a good Jew his feelings have nothing to do with his marriage to you. If his parents don't want you, it's over. He's just a conduit of family perpetuation. His grandparents have passed; the real question is 'do you bring them pride.' His Parents Start Showing Up On the Dates He knows that his parents are going to be part of your relationship. Thus, he realizes it's important to introduce you to who's going to be at every Seder month for the rest of your life. You didn't know you were dating his parents. He just threw that curveball. It's a month. His parents are going to moving in for a month every Pesach. He's introducing you to that. He Introduces You to His Brother Now he's taking a real chance. You didn't know that guy existed until you got engaged. All of this information only came after he got you the ring. How's that for a bait-and-switch?! You're His Plus One The only way to get that at a Simcha is to show proof of engagement. This isn't a regular wedding you're going to. This is a Simcha. In the Frum community, nobody is splurging for a plus-one without commitment of marriage. If you show up as the plus-one pregnant, the parents will blame you. Your fault. Love is over. He Yells at You That's true love. When somebody can get mad at you for not shutting a car door correctly, this means he is ready to build a Bayit Ne'eman, a faithful home amongst Israel. Jewish tradition is to yell at the one you love. If he also gives you nasty looks of disgust, you know it's the real thing. He Stops Getting the Car Door for You He realizes this is going to be a long relationship and he doesn't have the stamina to get the car door for you for the next eighty years. Hence, he stops on the second date. He Says He Loves Your Cooking You know it's not true. You can't compete with his mom. But he says it. He Says He Wants to Take you for Pizza Again. He realizes he wants this to last, and he doesn't have the funds to pay for more than two meals at Le Marais. He's letting you know now that your children will be going to Jewish day school on scholarship. He Says He Wants to Go to the Beit Midrash to Learn When he goes to night Seder to learn Torah. When he does whatever he can to avoid spending time with you, that is true love. That shows you're truly the one and he wants to make this marriage work. He Posts a Picture of the Two of You He's ready to tell all the girls, you're the one. And the other girls truly don't care. A Lollipop on Shabbis That's how they showed they love you at Jewish summer camp, HaYeladim. He thinks that still works. He Starts Asking You for Stuff He is overbearing. He now thinks you like him enough to ask for favors. He thinks that look of disgust on your face means you like him. His mom always helped him pick out his pants. Now it's your job. There’s an Engagement Party a Minute After He Proposes And you had no idea five-hundred people knew you were getting married to him before you did. Welcome to the Mishpuchi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Mishpatim2/12/2024
Announcements
We apologize for our Gabai who likes to lead services. We’re now stuck with having to hear Moishie every Shacharit. We have no choice. He chooses himself to lead. We need ads for our Bulletin. It looks very not Jewish to have no ads. The shul is so out of shape. We saw a group picture from Tu BShvat. We thought the congregation should know how bad they look. We commend the Finkel Mishpacha for kicking the new members out of your seat. It shows gall and a courage that only a good Jew would have. Nobody else would show up at the end of services and tell other people they are wrong. Please be quieter when disciplining your kids. Many congregants are now worried they are doing something wrong due to very loud shushes. Shul learning program will be attended by four people. That’s it. We know. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Mishpatim. Laws. We follow them... People who are not members of our shul follow them. There are rules. This isn’t one of our weekday Minyins where people do whatever they want... You can’t just lead because you feel like it. You can’t become Gabai to pick yourself every time... Yes. I feel like a slave to this shul. You should let me go... You have injured my soul. Serving this congregation has done damage to my Nishama. (Shemot 21:20) ‘If a man strikes his slave or maidservant with a rod and he shall die under his hand, he shall surely be avenged’... Will this shul ever be avenged for the death of the soul they have caused me... My slavery to this congregation... It’s a matter of where you fight. You have to be aware of your surroundings. (21:22) ‘If men fight and they hit a pregnant woman and she miscarries... he shall surely be punished...’ Why are you fighting in a nursery school?... The fight at Lamaze... Uncalled for... You must take responsibility. This isn't your dues, Simcha. It's about being held accountable. Culpable... Not cupable. I understand the Kiddish Dixie cups are not cupable. I am with you 100% Bernie. You can't drink out of those things. Tiny... (21:23-37) You pay Damages... You don’t let your ox go out and gore people. You don’t leave holes out in the middle of the street... Yes. the county should be sued for the potholes.... It's about rules and safety. And accountability. (22:1-3) If he’s tunneling into your house and he’s killed, that’s fine... We’re not talking about Chabad kids trying to get to a Mikvah... All slaves to people who don't want to work. People who don't want to try. People who take no responsibility. Is it even a Jewish bulletin? All Jewish printed form has ads. Mishpacha Magazine has no articles. Just ads... Because it's Jewish. That's how Jewish magazines are written. Ad form... Yes. That’s an announcement. You should know you’re out of shape. Accountability... You think I have a good metabolism. I'm Jewish. You treat people like slaves. It was the guy’s first Shabbis in the shul... You didn’t even wish him a Shabbat Shalom or a Hello. You just told him to get out... I don’t care how often you sit there. You sit there three minutes a Shabbis. You showed up two hours late. It was almost Kiddish... You say 'Shabbat Shalom.' And you wonder why your kids are nasty... You discipline your kids and the whole congregation thinks they did something wrong... Your kids are still talking and yelling at each other. Pulling hair. Your shush is so loud... Even Finkel doesn’t shush that loud to people sitting in his seat... Even Bernie stopped talking. That’s how scary your shush was... Take responsibility for your Shushes. Fran lost her hearing from it... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi considers it slavery to have to answer questions from Fran and Ethel. To see Bernie kills his soul. Our congregants get in fights everywhere. I think the fight at Lamaze happened when Michel asked Shloimy if his wife was pregnant. Shloimy said, 'How dare you say that.' The potholes are real bad. Somebody has to redo the shul parking lot. The fact that the board is blaming the city for that has many of us questioning. The Gabai just gets up and leads. Nobody can protest, as they’re not the Gabai. He even gives himself the Aliyahs to the Torah. He calls himself up. 'Ani Ben Abba Sheli.' You protest, the Gabai asks, 'Do you want to do it?' And then people let hm lead everything. He's like the Pinzkowitz kids and their Anim Zemirot. The part of the sermon that spoke most to me was the taking responsibility lesson, and the Kiddish cups not being cupable. It’s true. Only ads. The whole magazine is ads. Every Jewish paper and magazine just has ads. Except our bulletin. I think we should advertise who paid dues. There would be at least one ad. I know the Simchovitz family paid dues. They're a bunch of fools. We're the most out of shape congregation. Habgah is pathetic. We have to have two congregants lift the Torah together. That's how weak we've become. Finkel just walked over to the guy and said, ‘Get out. My seat.’ The guy had never been to our congregation. He and his kids just took the only open seats. They didn't know it was Finkel. Rest of Davening they just stood in back. That's how they were welcomed to our shul. Standing in the back in protest. Kicked out and standing in the back. Thanks to Finkel, I don't think we've had a new member in three years. I respect Finkel’s ability to kick people out of his seat. No name on it. I don’t even think Finkel pays dues. The courage of Finkel. It’s an example. These parents are so threatening with their looks and shushes. I got scared with the shush. I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I wasn’t even talking. I felt like the twenty-two-year-old was parenting me. I was so afraid of making noise, I stayed seated the rest of Davening, and I started eating green beans. 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Sermons of Rebuke III: Yitro2/5/2024
Announcements
We are asking people to put away their Siddurs. It appears that congregants are good at taking the Siddurim and Sefarim off the shelves. They are just not good at putting them back. Members have asked, and the rabbi has given the Psak that a chair cannot double as a bookshelf. We want to apologize for some of the messed up names in our congregation. Betzalel Zalman makes no sense. It sounds off. Zalman Betzalel would sound better. And we apologize for that. We also apologize for Bracha Faiga. Hector Schwartz also makes no sense. We’re sorry. This Shabbat is the Schulman Bar Mitzvah. If you want an Aliyah don’t show up. Last Bar Mitzvah refused to celebrate Merv’s Ninetieth. Celebrating Birthdays last week are Kim, Sharon, Mark, Bill and Yankel. Fred and Marcie are also celebrating their anniversary three weeks ago. We are celebrating the Yahrzeit of Shmiel Simchovitz this week. Nobody liked him. There will be schnapps served. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Shemot 18:9) ‘vYached Yitro.’ Yitro rejoiced. Yachad, same word as one. He was one with the good H’ did, rescuing the Jews from Mitzrayim. He connected. You are happy when you connect. When you see something good, you rejoice and connect. Nobody has ever connected with our shul board... When you come into a shul where nobody says Hi, nobody connects. So Yitro is now part of our people... Because he rejoiced. He was a pleasure to be around. Unlike Betzalel Zalman. Zalman should be first. With a name like that, Zalman Betzalel. And Hector. Change your first or last name... I don't know. It just doesn't seem to fit. What can we rejoice in? Bernie didn't make it to shul this Shabbis. What do you rejoice in? Definitely not Mitzvot. Definitely not coming to shul on time. Nobody is rejoicing with Zalman and is offbeat singing... Yes. I am judging. It's bad. Almost as bad as putting Betzalel before Zalman. (18:13) Moshe is judging the people alone... Because he had no help. Have you ever seen anybody in this shul help? Have you ever seen a board member lift a hand? Have you ever seen the Gabai not talking? (18:14) Yitro asks him why he does this all alone. Like any father-in-law, he lets the son-in-law know he’s doing nothing right... He doesn’t know that nobody in his congregation volunteers. Yitro is the leader of a people who know how to use tools... Maybe the Jews back then knew how to use tools. I can tell you, they weren't members of this congregation. Michael can't even build a prefab bookcase... Our janitor has problems putting together the prefab tables. He can't figure out how to get the rings to slide down... (18:17) Yitro tells Moshe, ‘The thing you do is not good.’ I have been telling that to the board for years. But nobody listens to me. Yitro then tells Moshe to have other people, leaders, judge the people as well. How many times have I told this congregation to be more judgmental?! I'm not the only one who sees how annoying the back left section of the shul is... (18:23) If they help you in this judging ‘you will be able to last, and also the nation will arrive at its destination in peace.’ If people helped every once in a while, and I didn’t have to do everything alone, I would maybe want to be here... If you all put away your Siddurs every once in a while, the shul would be at peace. If you all weren't so annoying... I can’t do everything alone. It is getting hard having to sit day and night, listening to you people. Very hard. Painful. Especially Felvel... Be happy you're married. I have to hear about the kids. We all know they're an issue. We see them in shul... 'My back. The cousins are coming. I need to shovel...' Get a doctor... Help. At least do something... Last time I asked for help, you brought in a cleaning service... I was asking for help with youth groups. I can't give sermons and lead this community while running youth groups... What where they going to do? Clean the kids with a vacuum?! It’s about everybody participating in a positive way. Doing your jobs correctly... If you were able to hold a job down Marcie, you would pay dues... Yes. Paying dues is a help. It at least helps me feel like I am here for a reason... To get paid. Listening to this congregation is not what a Jewish boy should do. We're talking about helping. About doing your job as a Jew. You can’t even put away your Siddurim correctly. Pinchas has to put them away for you. He’s the only one who was educated to clean up after himself... You take the Sefarim off the shelves. You’re good at taking. Then you’re good at leaving it for somebody else... I get it. There are a lot of issues that need dealing with, because the board is full of a bunch of idiots. Why can’t you announce anything on time?... Birthday announcements for last week?! They passed. You should announce 'stuff you missed because we don't help...' People wished an ‘I’m sorry I forgot your birthday’... Who remembers birthdays? We have announcements to let us know we’re supposed to say we care. And then Tu BShvat was a week late. Nothing is on time... This is why nobody is ever in shul when we start. It's your announcements. Speaking about birthdays, I believe our shul likes Yahrtzeits more... It's about not having to do everything yourself. It's about sharing responsibility... Even during a Simcha you can share the Bima... What are you going to do when the Pintzkowitz kids run up for Anim Zemirot... Are you sure your cousins can take them down, along with Mr. Harvey Pintzkowitz... I know he’s up there too. I don't know if the third graders can take down Mr. Pintzkowitz... We do want to wish the Schulmans a Mazel Tov. We hope the Gabai has an easier time than he did last month with the Schwartz’s cousins. Calling up Mateo, Santiago and Alvaro Ben Eduardo was not easy. At least Yankel is a Jewish name. Yankel Ben Rodriguez... I don't know why his Jewish name is a Cental American last name. And I don't know why it's not Zalman Betzalel. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi said that working at this shul is not for a Jew. I have to agree. No Jew should feel required to show up to Davening on time. The rabbi was branded a racist for telling Hector his name didn't fit. And the rabbi responded with, 'Shaindel Heimowitz. Your name doesn't make sense either.' The names in our shul make no sense. You never put a Zalman as a middle name. And Mark Yankel Smith. Something is wrong with our membership. Hector Schwartz. No Hebrew names in that family. Hector Ben Mateo Ben Julio. Ben is the only Hebrew part of these people's names. They don't even try. The family is South African. I don't know how they got those names. Nobody cleans up after themselves. Pinchas is sick of putting away the Siddurim. He is now putting them back in spite. He curses while he's putting them back. Some people kiss a Siddur when putting it away, Pinchas is saying 'Bernie that piece...' Seeing the birthday names, I am starting to feel like I’m at a Baptist shul. Does anybody in our shul have a Jewish name. Even Betzalel comes off as not Jewish when our Gabai calls him up. A midwestern accent was not made for Jews. They decided to start announcing birthdays late. I think it has something to do with not wanting to buy cake for the members anymore. The board decided that nobody likes birthday cake. We now get babka every week for Kiddish and everybody is happy. The rabbi is correct. Nobody cares about the birthdays. We need a warning to be able to pretend like we remembered. Now we have to wish an excuse, with stuff like, 'I was thinking about you... I messed up the date... No. I showed up for my doctor's appointment on the second, on the day of your birthday. But I forgot what date it was.' The congregants appreciate the Yahrzeits more. They like celebrating when people die more than when they have to see them at Kiddish. At Shmiel Simchovitz's Yahrzeit they handed out Yahrzeit candles for people to drink out of. It's turned into a tradition. I think I have a set of Shmiel Yahrzeit glasses. In our community it's trendy. When people have a Simcha they never share any of the honors. I think they’re worried their relatives will have to deal with listening the rest of the congregation. We all know how painful that is. So, they have their family do all of the Aliyahs and their families lead the services. This way they don't have to justify the heretics to their cousins. I thought the lesson Yitro was telling Moshe was to involve other people, then they will join and all will be better. I like the rabbi’s take though. It is our congregation's fault. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A well put together cover page for a Jewish newspaper. I knew I was reading a Frum Jewish newspaper, as they found a way to fit 28 ads on the cover page. And the feature article is an ad for Amor jewelry... A properly written Jewish magazine should be advertisements. I once read a non-religious magazine, and I felt like a sinner when I read an article to only find there was no phone number at the end of it. I felt defiled… It’s a shame the Amor ad is so big. They could’ve got another 20 ads in.
(Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash... You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full.
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