This interview took place after Megillah reading on Purim evening. The little kids were getting their candy-filled Mishloach Manot. A bunch of the little girls were dressed as Queen Esther, so I asked one of them why. She just wanted her candy.

Who are you?
Queen Esther

Why are you dressed as Queen Esther?
I love Queen Esther.

Why did you not dress as Vashti?
I hate her.

Why do you hate Vashti?
She's not nice.

She wasn't bad to the Jews.
Well she was bad to me.

Why?
My mom dressed me as Vashti last year, and I looked like an idiot.
Can I get my candy?!

Do you like Mordechai?
I hate Mordechai. He pulled my hair last year.

Did Queen Esther do anything about that?
I was Vashti. So, I smacked Mordechai.

Oh. Which Purim character do you like?
My mom. When she doesn't dress me as Vashti.

I see, you have a beautiful little tiara. Did Queen Esther have a tiara?
Yes.

What was her tiara made of?
Felt fabric sheets.

Are you sure?
No. It might have been made of plastic. Wait. It was definitely paper.

Are you sure?
Yes. You can cut that easier. We learned that in arts and crafts class.

What else did Queen Esther wear?
Her ballet dress.

Did she use makeup?
No. Her mom didn't let her.

What's your name little lady?
Esther.

No. What's your name?
I'm Esther.

I know you're Queen Esther. But, who are you?
(no answer)

You're doing a great job in character. What grade are you in?
Can I get my candy?!

What do you want to be next year?
Mom! She's not giving me candy!!!

Conclusion
When she started yelling, I gave her the candy. You can get arrested for not giving a child candy. As I learned, when a kid is screaming it makes no difference if you hit them or don't give them candy, or if you gave them a kind morning greeting. It's abuse.
When Esther wants her candy, you give it to her. As she was walking away, I asked her if Queen Esther had temper tantrums.
I found out her name was Esther. If she wasn't dressed as Queen Esther, that could've saved a good minute and a half of the interview.

This interview took place in the parking lot when I noticed that there were no spots left near the entrance of the shul. As I was getting out of my car, way down on the other side of the parking lot, Milt drove right up to the shul and took the handicapped parking spot. Ethel was being wheeled in on her walker from way down on the other side of the lot. The shul was packed.

What are you doing here?
​I'm here for Minyin. 

So, why are you...
I can't talk. I've got to run.

Exactly. And I saw you running at the JCC. How did you end up in this spot?
I have a tag.

Do you have a disability?
I'm old.

Old isn't a disability.
Did you see my limp?

But you were running in the gym?
I'm old.

No. Milt. You're in a good shape. You walk to shul on Shabbis.
Gd does that for me. I don't know how it happens. He gives me the strength. Bless Him. The only day he gives me great strength is Shabbis, when I can't drive.

So, the only day you have strength is Shabbis? When you can't drive.
Praise Gd. B"H.

Did your doctor give you the sticker?
No.

How did you get the disabled parking sticker?
​I inherited it from my wife. 

That was in the inheritance?
​It should've been.

Milt. You don't inherit a hip fracture. You don't get the kids, the house and a broken hip.
My wife passed.

I'm sorry. She should have an Aliyas Nishama. We miss her.
(No response from Milt. I think he was just thinking about the parking spot. He wasn't reminiscing about his wife and how he misses her. His wife was secondary to the conversation. The handicapped parking spot is what matters.)

What about Ethel? She needs a wheelchair and somebody to push her.
She didn't lose her spouse.

She did lose her spouse.
But that expired. Her husband past away twelve years ago. The handicap passes expire.

I am sorry for your loss.
Oh. How I miss her. We were together for so long. The parking sticker is all I have.

Conclusion
We missed almost all of Davening. More important than Minyin is a conversation. Any member of our community will get sidetracked and miss prayers if they get into a conversation.
I had to leave in the middle of Milt's eulogy for the parking spot. I had to go pray.
You can't argue with loss. He lost his wife. He deserves the spot. He didn't feel like she left him with enough. He needed the spot.

When somebody passes, their family gets a parking spot at the shul. That must be the rule. They should turn it into a bereavement spot at shul. Whenever people say Kaddish, they get to park at the spot. It seems that even grandkids inherit disabled parking tags.
Or it can be a seventy and older spot. All the members over seventy seem to have notes from their doctors. If they didn't inherit a good sticker, they get high dose prescription drugs and parking passes from their doctors.
Bereavement or old people spots. If you ask me, the wheelchair is misleading. The people in wheelchairs have to walk from the other end of the lot.

Shalom
Shalom Aleichem

You're Religious?
I said, 'Shalom Aleichem.' 'Shalom,' without 'Aleichem,' is not religious.

I just said 'Shalom.'
Exactly.

So, you're a Sheitel Macher?
Yes.

Are you wearing a sheitel?
That's offensive.

Why is that offensive?
It's a wig.

Why not just call it a wig ?
Because religious Jews wear sheitels.

If there's no difference, it should be a wig.
​A Wig Macher sounds wrong. I would lose all my religious clientele.

Is there anything I should know about a sheitel?
It's hair to put on hair, for modesty.

Is it modest?
It's uncomfortable. You sweat in these things. Ever worn one in the summer?

That's not good for sales?
Winter sales are through the roof.

Why not another headcovering?
The snood, headwrap, or bandana looks like you're in a gang. Not many Hassidic Orthodox women have a violent crew they hang with.

Why did you go into the wig business?
Have you seen this community? Tons of messed up hair.

Mrs. Feinbloom?
That's a sheitel. I sold it to her.

No. That can't be true.
Mrs. Feinbloom wouldn't wear a sheitel if her hair was normal. She's not religious enough. That's how you can tell she has bad hair.

Isn't that Lashon Hara?
No. It's not speaking bad about her. We can all see how bad her hair is. It frizzes all the time. She goes shopping early in the morning. I see it. Speaking Lashon Hara about Mrs. Feinbloom would be talking about how her kid can't get into a decent college, because their mom doesn't stop yapping. 

Can you make a sheitel from your own hair?
I don't know. Am I rabbi?!

What do you think about the customers?
Annoying. Did you hear that Tirza's daughter had a baby. Tirza's not going to the Bris.

What do you do for the community?
I sell sheitels. I'm the Sheitel Macher.

I thought Machers were the people who talk a lot and have a lot of money.
Yes.

How much do sheitels cost?
Ten-thousand.

Is it a good business?
When I sell one.

How many have you sold this year?
Zero.

Can I try one?
There's a rental fee.

How's business going?
Not well. Nobody here is Frum.

You said that the Frum people are the target clientele you're shooting for.
You see.

Do you see it picking up?
If they stop wearing hats. It's a community with bad hair.

Why don't you sell hats?
I'm a Sheitel Macher. Not a Hat Macher. She wants me to start selling stuff I don't sell. Next thing, she's going to want me to sell shorts. Maybe I should call myself the Sheitel Hat Snood Bandana Shorts Macher?

That up to you. Do you wear sheitels?
Are you crazy. They're uncomfortable as anything. I wear snoods.

Shalom
Brachas.

I just said 'Shalom.'
Exactly.

Conclusion
The Sheitel Macher is worried about the religious clientele, but there are no religious people. I think that's why she's trying to make money off the rentals.
She was very honest and offensive. She was very judgmental too.  She was a Macher. She can afford to be. She was definitely spunky and pushy. I couldn't walk out of there without buying anything. I bought a snood from her private collection. She wears snoods herself. She hasn't sold a sheitel in a really long time. She should be a Snood Macher.
She tried throwing me off with Tirza and her daughter having a baby. I didn't go for it.

I learned a lot about religion in our community. To be considered religious you have to welcome somebody in many people form, and say blessing in Yiddish form. I also learned that uncomfortable means modest. Which is why polyester is religious to wear. I even learned that you can talk bad about people's hair.
Hassidic women wear headwraps. I've seen it. If she sold headwraps or bandanas made out of polyester, that would be modest. You would sweat in that during the summer.

She's definitely targeting people with bad hair. I'm glad she didn't target me. By the end of the interview, with all the humid weather, the Sheitel Macher’s hair was quite frizzy.

Shalom
Nu. Vismachta.

Why such a big keychain?
I joined Hatzalah in the '80s. 

Why the pager and the walkie-talkie?
I have a belt. And I joined Hatzalah in the '80s.

What was it like when you first joined?
It was the heyday of Hatzalah. Great times. Tons of sickness. Always busy. Always running.

How did the  saving lives at Hatzlalah start for you?
​In the '80s, we didn't have enough vans. Not many vans. Just pagers.

So what did you do?
We walked everywhere. We got a page and we started walking.

How long did it take?
To find the payphone? That depended on if you were in the suburbs or not.

How did that affect people?
They had to breath longer. They had to hold on. That was the term we used. 'Hold on.'

How did that help? How did it work?
We would keep the family member on the phone, from central office. The phone operator would say 'hold on.' They would then say, 'The person will be there soon. He's walking. Hold on.' If it was a serious case, they would say, 'He'll walk over right when he's finished with dinner. Hold on.'

How did people take that?
They appreciated it. They all have families. Eating with the family comes first.

Do you enjoy it more now, or was it better in the '80s?
The '80s. Back then I was part of something. We were a team. We walked everywhere together. It was a good way to get exercise too. The only way I get exercise now is running to the van.

Where's the van?
At my house.

Do you feel the Hatzalah guys are in better shape than the average Jewish male?
Yes. We save them.

How did you feel when you started?
So cool to drive on Shabbis.

So. You've always wanted to drive on Shabbis?
Yeah. But I couldn't until I started saving lives. First call after we got a van, I was the driver. Amazing. They wanted to put me in Chairim. They were saying, 'Look at that Jew driving on Shabbis. A shanda. Excommunicate him.' Then they said I was a Tzadik. Driving on Shabbis and being a righteous individual, it doesn't get better than that.

How did their minds change so quick?
I saved the rabbi's father.

How do they know you're saving lives?
The keychain.

You carried the keychan even on Shabbis?
You had to. That was the uniform. Walkie-talkie, pager and keychain. This way they knew you were a Hatzalah guy coming to save them.

Why not just tell them you were there to help?
When you have payis, they don't think you know CPR. They hear the keys clinging and they know they're safe.

But they have shirts at Hatzalah now.
I'm a traditionalist. This way they know I'm a real Hatzalah man. They feel more comfortable when they see the keys.

What do you use them for?
My house.

You car?
No. That's a digital key.

Any calls for Lag BOmer this year?
Fires everywhere.

Did you help out with those?
No. I was with my family. The kids had off from school.

Did any Hatzalah guys take calls that day?
I hope. I'm not sure. They all have families.

Why so many fires?
It's the Heelulah of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yoachai. The yahrzeit. Bonfires are like big yahrzeit candles.

But why not contain them, at a safe place in the park?
The parks department doesn't allow that anymore, after last year. The kids burned down the field. So, the kids started fires in their homes.

Why not use a firepit?
Do you think they had firepits back when Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai was living? Do you think they had Hatzalah?
Oh shoot. I have to go.

Conclusion
No call came in. He looked at his pager and ran. I think he uses that pager to get out of talking to people. When he's had enough of a conversation, he says he has to save a life.
Michel is a very impassioned man. Yet, I still have no idea what he does for people. I think he helps people when he isn't hungry or watching a show with his kids.
I hope he saved somebody.
​He is truly not in good shape. Michel has a gut. I can only imagine how much kugel the other guys he is saving are eating. I am guessing that most of his calls come from dinner.

Shalom
Good Shabbis

It's not Shabbis.
That's how I greet people. It's a shul. It makes people feel good when they hear 'Good Shabbis.'

But it's not Shabbis.
Because you're not religious.

But I am religious.
If you don't say 'Good Shabbis,' you're not religious. If you say 'Shabbat Shalom' and you don't live in Israel...
Let's talk about you. We can talk about my connection with Gd later. Though, I feel very judged right now, for using Hebrew as a Jew.

Do you want to be called the Gabai or the Sexton?
Mark.

What's your job?
I work in the shmata business. I sell rags. Used rags.

What's your job as the Gabai?
Everything the rabbi doesn't do.

What does that consist of?
Everything. The rabbi does nothing. Ask any congregant in this shul. The rabbi does nothing.

Then why do you pay him?
He leads the services. He gives speeches. He counsels people. He consols people. He's the rabbi.

So he does a lot.
He does nothing.

What is your main job?
Selling shmatas. I actually started my own line. Shamatas for Jew. Was going to say 'for you.' People love that pun. Jew instead of you.

It's not a pun.
Close enough.

What's your main job, that the rabbi doesn't do?
I call the people up to the Torah. I choose them. And then I call them up. I'm very important.

Do you also say the blessing?
No. They don't trust me with that.

Why don't they pay you?
My mom always said, 'A good Jew shouldn't work with Jews.' So, I don't get paid and I yell at them.

How do you choose who to call up?
Money. If they have money.

How do you tell?
If they're giving money to Tzedakah. I wait till the charity Pushke box comes out. Then I make my decision. I never call up somebody who puts coins in the Pushke. Only dollar bills.

You watch them?
Yes I do. This helps me with the Shmatas. I know who can afford a decent Shmata.

But they can't give money on Shabbat. How do you tell on Shabbat?
Usually, I base it on their clothes. If they have a nice tie. That's how I choose.
If somebody doesn't have nice shoes, there's no way they're going to donate anything to the shul. I don't call them up. Even if they say a Mishebeyrach. They're going to forget to pay after Shabbis.

Who do you not call up?
Anybody with penny loafers.

Why not?
They haven't bought new shoes in thirty years. The shul can't invest in Aliyahs like that.
No loafers are allowed on my Bima. If they wear the loafers because they sail, then I know they're not religious. 

What's the Bima?
You're standing on it.

Do you ever call up non-religious people to the Torah?
If they have a lot of money.

Would you consider calling up somebody who doesn't have money?
If he has good stock tips. That's the only way.

Do people ever get mad at you?
All the time.

How do you choose who opens the ark?
If they seem to have pulling capabilities. I never call up Max. He always pulls the left string. He can be closing the ark for ten minutes. My job is to get people up to the Torah and get them out.

How do you pick the person for Galilah, to roll the Torah?
If they're very weak. If they can't lift a Torah, I call them up for Galilah and tell them to start hitting the gym.

Why?
It's pathetic to have these weak guys in shul. They don't even learn Torah. If they're learning, then they have a reason to not workout. And I get kickbacks from the trainer.

Any advice for the Jewish people?
Don't be like Mr. Himelstein. He's annoying and always complains about who I'm calling up to the Torah. Tell Mr. Himlestein to invest his money better, and he'll get an Aliyah.
And workout. We have enough weak people to do Galilah.

Shalom
Good Shabbis.

Good Shabbis
Good Yom Tif.

Author's Thoughts on Interview
Being told 'Good Shabbis' did make me feel good. It made me feel like I was a good Jew, even in the middle of the week. Then the 'Good Yom Tif' was a topper. Everybody likes the holidays.
This Gabai knows how to make people feel good. He also knows how to make people feel bad. Being told I wasn't a good religious Jew didn't make me feel good.
It's great to have learned the methods behind why he doesn't call up people. I'm not setting up Chanan. He hasn't been called up for an Aliyah since his Bar Mitzvah. He definitely doesn't have a good job. I'm sure the Gabai's seen his tax returns.
I now understand why the rabbi wants out of the shul. 

Hello
Shalom. You don't speak Hebrew? We're Kosher here. 

I speak Yiddish.
I didn't ask where you're from. 

I'll start with the prices. What are your prices?
What do you want?

It depends on the prices.
You tell me what you like. I give you deal.

Why are the prices in your store not listed?
People don't like seeing $23.99 a pound. They won't buy it. If it's in the bag, they buy it. $23.99 and the community is lose weight. I lose business.
They'll pay $250.99 for the bag though.

Who's your favorite customer?
Mr. Bergman. He buys a lot. Never asks the prices.

Do you ever get messed up requests from your customers?
All of them. One guy doesn't want juice. How am I supposed to make money on the ribs?! I sell juice. You're paying for the bones and the juice. I should put prices of bones and juice on the wall.

$23.99 for bones and juice?
Yes.
One guy wanted my best cut of steak. He said, 'Your best steak.' I don't know what the best steak is. I'm a vegetarian.

Why do you run a butcher shop if you're a vegetarian?
Money.

Is it hard for you to be part of the community and their butcher?
Worse than being a doctor. They show up to shul and people ask them about their feet. 'Oh I have heelspur.' I get asked questions about cow's feet. I don't serve that.
They all complain. They even complain to me about their doctor.

What questions do you get about cow's feet?
Are they pigeon toed. If they had pigeon toes, I wouldn't sell it. A cow with pigeon toes is not kosher. It's disgusting.

Who is your favorite customer?
Martha. She orders, says nothing. Just takes it. She doesn't care how much it weighs. 

I thought Mr. Bergman was your favorite?
I can't stand him.

Where do you get your food? 
New York. 

So you don't slaughter it?
No. I get it from MealMart and put it on the shelf. People seem to like Meal Mart.

What do you do to the animal?
We take the food out of the package. We put it on the shelf.

Why are you not a grocery then?
The sign outside says I'm a butcher.

I see some nice premade stuff. How do you make the premade food?
We take the MealMart package and open it.

That machine?
That's the cutter. How many slices do you want?

Isn't that called a slicer?
It's a cutter. We cut the meat in there. It's a cutter. Are you going to buy anything?

No. I'm here to interview you today. I thought you would offer me a taste.
Are you going to pay for it?

I would think that because I am the interviewer...
This is pointless. I thought you were going to buy something. Can we finish this?

I just thought that you would give me a taste.
You pay.

If I pay for it, it's not a taste.
Who says? You? Ever heard of taster? They charge for those now. It's classy. You want taster platter?

You've mentioned that people complain. What is the number one complaint?
Me.

Anything else about the customers?
If they didn't pay for the food, I wouldn't want to see them. Especially Mrs. Gronawitz. She wants triangle cuts. The cutter doesn't cut in triangles.

It's a sli... Thanksgiving is coming up. 
How many people need turkey? I can't give turkey to the whole world. Sukkot comes, I get thirty, maybe forty brisket orders. Thanksgiving. 200 turkeys. These Jews can care less about Sukkot, and they hate turkeys. If Jewish food would be turkey, they would celebrate the Chagim.
How much do I have to do for turkey?! She wants one that is hearty. I don't know how it feels Mrs. Goldfarb. I don't know its personality. She wants hearty?! I can give juicy. I don't know turkey feelings. I am a butcher. Not a poultry therapist.

I heard about the turkey shwarma tradition.
Now more turkey?! I can't keep finding turkey. Don't tell anybody of this tradition.

At least Chanukah is coming up. What do your customers buy on Chanukah?
Nothing. I hate Chanukah. You can't slaughter sour cream and potatoes.

But you don't slaughter. You get it from New York... Chanukah Sameach
You're not going to buy anything?

Author's Thoughts on Interview
He was very curt. I believe Micky smiled once. When I asked him about the slicer, he thought I was going to buy some cold cuts. That was the only time he smiled.
He never stopped trying to make a sale. I respect that. His Middle Eastern voice came out everytime he tried to make a sale. He even called me 'my friend' at some point. I would've liked a taste. Even in the shuk, they gave tastes.
​I think he's mad because he's a vegetarian.

He wasn't happy about the slicer question. He was very adamant that it's a cutter.
He changed his mind about Mr. Goldberg real fast. He told me later that Mr. Goldberg's business wasn't doing too well, so he doesn't care for him anymore.
He was definitely not happy about Thanksgiving. I didn't even get in the question, before he started getting angry at turkeys. I don't believe he is thanking anybody this holiday season.