Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people. 
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. 
Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. 

It is the Israeli Defense Forces
You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt.
I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.'

I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years
I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours.
 
I Studied Social Work
My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem.
 
Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service
I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts.
I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble.

I Get Scared When Israelis Talk
The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs.
I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with.

My Hebrew is Bad
Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty.

Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts
I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts.

I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors
That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself.
 
Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me
I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift.

I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea
Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. 
During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on.
Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target.
I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal.

Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally.
​Till then, Israel is a safer place.

People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you.
Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me.
 
I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty
I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back.
Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway.
 
I am Out of Shape
After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz.
If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. 

I Would Look Like a Reservist
I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more.
When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance.

Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People
I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with.
Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic.

Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old
I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander.
I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat.

Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments
I am old. All I do is express my political opinions.

I am American Born of Very European White Tint
Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine.
 
I am American
You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started.
 
I Don’t Smoke
The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running.
Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign.

I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause.

There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. 
Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures.

Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists.

The first Aliyah, Jewish people moving to Israel, as a nation, was after forty years in the desert. It would've been sooner, if the people didn't listen to the spies. But Jews love not listening to their rabbis. They brought back huge grapes, and people were scared. Big fruit can be frightening. I too would've been worried about staining my shirt.
Until recently, American Jews have remained scared to move to Israel, due to the masses of fruit in the shuk.

Aliyah started building up in America when the parents began sending their kids to Israel to check out the land in the 1980s. They sent their kids to Jerusalem. The Yeshiva students went up in Jerusalem, and stayed there. A group of Yeshiva kids came back to America with a huge shawarma. One of the dads saw the size of the shawarma and said, 'We're moving to Israel.'

A few years later, in the 1990s, word started spreading around the New York area that the laffas (Eish Tanors) are huge. The Jewish people were inspired and they said, 'We will not let huge portions keep us out of the Holy Land.'
​They were clusters of shawarma. To see their Yeshiva kids, coming home after their year in Israel, carrying poles with clusters of shawarma was such a miracle. Kedem was discussing whether they should change their logo to a picture of men carrying a pole full of huge clusters of shawarma.
The conversation of mass Aliyah continued, until one prominent figure in Teaneck said, 'We must move to Israel. The land that God promised us, flowing with chumus and tachina... It's a land flowing with chumus and tachina, and shawarma.'

Many Yeshiva kids were stuck, as their parents purchased one way tickets, and the prices went up. So, parents had to wait till after Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, to receive the news, when the price of tickets went down. 
More Yeshiva kids came back to America and confirmed, 'We are huge in their eyes. They are much smaller than us. We are very heavy, and we eat too much.' Discussion grew, as many students spoke out, 'The people who live there eat salad.'

The anti-Aliyah movement said, 'There are Israelis there. They know how to bargain much better than us. And they eat salad.' Then the Jewish American said, 'They live in New York and Florida too. We can do it... I believe there are less Israelis in Israel.' And so they made Aliyah.

And then Nefesh BNefesh started, and people decided to make Aliyah, because they paid you to do it. There was much argument, for there was a chance to bargain. As the Oleh said in the meeting, 'And will I not spend another twenty thousand dollars in Israel. You should give it to me.'
Once word got out that you don't have to pay for your child's Jewish day school education, American Aliyah reached an all time high. 
Americans are now spending more money on shawarma than ever before. And they are the heaviest people in Israel.

And that is the history of the American Aliyah. I do not know why falafel didn't inspire the American Jews to move to Israel. It may be because it's too hit or miss.

​Yom HaAtzmaut got me thinking of all the great people who moved to Israel, making Aliyah. One thing all who make Aliyah have in common is that their style ends once they make the move. You can tell somebody’s year of Aliyah by the clothes they wear.
You make Aliyah and your wardrobe is set. And there are reasons. Style stops when you are not willing to pay more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants; especially when they're wrinkle touch and you have to iron. They might sell it in Israel, but I don't buy anything when I can get it cheaper in America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. I'm surprised that I have even purchased dinner a few times. Even so, Olim have to eat, and perishables can go bad, even when Amazon ships it. All of that said, even if they were cheap, I still wouldn't buy new clothes. Style is what I made Aliyah with, and it looks good.
Us American Olim have a warped sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America was perfect and people had personalities. A time where we couldn't stream our favorite sitcom. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash a 20% off coupon. A time where I could ask for an extra discount at the desk, and get another two dollars off the sales price. Do mis-stitches not exist anymore at Marshalls? A time when Land's End and Geoffrey Beene did free exchanges. No questions. The time when I stopped buying clothes. To us Olim, the lifetime guarantee means we wear it the rest of our lives.  Some say a lifetime guarantee does not mean fashion. They never made Aliyah. And I must say, I feel good wearing my pleats.
Here are ways I've learned to tell the immigrant time period.
 
Immigrant by Clothes
Walk the streets of Israel and you can tell when the Oleh left America:

• Polo symbol on shirt – 1985
• Tommy Hilfiger – 1996
• Girbaud sign on jeans – 1993
• Shoulder pads – any year in the 1980s
• ACDC shirt – 1979
• iPod shuffle on sleeve – 2008
• Bell-bottoms – 1971 or 2006
• Corduroy – hand-me-downs from any decade
• Parachute pants – Fan of Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer. I don't believe that style lasted a full year.
• Jean skirt – 1980s or girl who is still in seminary
• Members Only jacket – 1987
• Free Soviet Jewry scarf – 1987 with style
• Jerusalem No for Sale Tshirt – 1988
• Non-ironed shirt with fraying collar – 2003 or boy who is still in yeshiva
• Anything you have to iron – pre-1998
• Breeches – 1490-1920 or you moved from England.
• Turban – 1200s or friend of the Rambam
• Spandex – Girl living in 2010 and on that is not Frum, or a big fan of aerobics in the 1980s. 
• Leg Warmers – 1980s die hard aerobics fan.
• Pants that are really tight and not breeches – Still living in New York
• Anything brought to a cleaners, to make sure it is spick and span – not an Oleh (that person still lives in America)
• Double-breasted suit – 1986-1991 or a hand-me-down that the Oleh cannot figure out how to button right.
• Paisley Anything – From dad, or something the Salvation Army rejected.
• Nefesh BNefesh shirt – 2001 and on. Cannot tell the year, as the shirt is free. Prior Olim may also wear the shirt, as they have shown up to the Nefesh BNefesh office and explained that the grandfather clause allows them rights to the T-shirt. 
• Hand-me-downs – Complicate the Aliyah equation. They surpass all style, as they are cheaper, and thus part of the Oleh wardrobe. Personally, I have thirty-two sports jackets in Israel. I have not purchased one of them. All hand-me-downs, and I will not donate one of them. Dates of hand-me-downs can be up to seventy years off the Oleh's Aliyah year. For this reason, if you have any questions as to whether or not it's a hand-me-down, try to do get a hold of their Oleh ID card.

As may be seen, all 1980s styles lasted the whole decade. For this reason, we just say that most Olim that made Aliyah in the 1980s made Aliyah in the '80s. It's too hard to tell which year the jean skirt is from. To make it more confusing, some Members Only Jackets were made in 1984. So, we just say 'they made Aliyah in the '80s.'
​
Next time we will delve deeper into the topic of clothes and the reasons for Aliyah suits, as well as clothes that fit vs new styles. As the manifesto continues, we will also discuss what an immigrant does on their visit to America, when they're tempted to purchase clothes. Aliyah hairstyles can be cross-generational, as long as you don't have bangs.
Whatever you do, embrace your Aliyah and wear the clothes you loved in your early twenties. Until they make Aliyah rings, that is your only way to identify with your Aliyah class.

Summer is coming to an end and Israel isn’t going to be as hot as it was the past few months. It’s now time to make Aliyah (move to Israel). The pandemic is coming to an end and it is time to make Aliyah, and book a flight while you can, before they come up with new pandemic rules. Here, I bring you some of the reasons that helped me make Aliyah. They inspired me. I hope they inspire you.
 
Older Jews Move Someplace Warmer
I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie.
I was getting older. That happens when you age. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem.
At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie.

You don’t have to Work
The kind government gives you money to make Aliyah. That’s the only time you will refer to the government as kind.
With the money from Nefesh BNefesh and the country, you’ll be making more than the average Israeli. They’ll complain about you till they realize that you can’t get a job because you don’t speak Hebrew. The money can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved. You’re Jewish.
After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations of me. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three-year-old Israeli niece, and that’s respectable. I am an immigrant. I have accomplished immigranting, and that’s a lot.
​Anybody asks me what I’m doing, with pride, I let them know, ‘I made Aliyah.’

Fear & Anti-Semitism
I want to thank the anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. They’re much more successful than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency. The attacking Jews Aliyah push works very well.
Many people from the non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. As such, we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world. As for me. Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. I was reading up on Jewish history. I know what happens when Kodak goes out of business.

Kosher Burger King 
The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew.  Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah upon us. And our redeemer loves Vhoppers.

To Meet my Naturally Blond Yemenite Girl
This is probably my number one reason.
I don’t know how they do it, but they’re all over Israel.

Land of our Ancestors
That was confusing. After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. I should have moved to Brooklyn.
 
Torah
You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion and Mitzvot. Am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?! Did I say something wrong? I am sorry. I feel like I offended people.
 
You Have to Move Out of Your Parents’ House
We each have our own story. This is mine.
The final realization that I must move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can… I’m 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. All I could think to say was, ‘I am 25.’ I had reached a point in my life where I could do what I want, I can eat hamburgers at 3:30am. I can even get a job if I have to support myself. I’m 25.
I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to get a job, and I still like hamburgers. I am making Aliyah. Burger King is kosher. I can eat Vhoppers at midnight if I want. (Burger King closes before 3am. Otherwise, I would be eating Vhoppers then.)
It was a hard decision, but I figured that if my parents would send me some money, I could still do what I wanted, without being scolded. It was time. I was 25 and it was time to make my own decisions that are not good for me.
Why I was living in my parents’ house at 25. They had good food. The fridge was always full. I was able to eat hamburgers anytime I wanted.
 
You Want to Find the Tree the Jewish National Fund Planted for You
The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it.
 
Jewish Homeland
Love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the Israelis who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know, even if they never met me. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I left my parents' house. It's our national home. The yelling lets me know that.

If anybody ever questions you, you let them know you made Aliyah. You could've been a doctor, a lawyer, a successful businessman in the country you grew up in. But you made the decision to not work a fulltime job. You let them know you made Aliyah and you are great at Torah, even if it makes no money.
Next time, we'll talk of other reasons to make Aliyah, like if you're from South Africa.