Laws 9-11: You think you know about the moon. The moon knows about you.

Law 9: Last thing to know about the planets is they are smart. So, planet shaming has to stop.
The spheres and stars have life to them. "They have souls, knowledge and intellect." They know Gd and they praise Him. And then we have to deal with a Chazin leading us in services, who hasn't talked to Gd one day in his life. 
They praise and glorify H' like the angels, according to their size and level. I have no idea exactly what this means, because I am not a planet. And I only made it to intermediate swimmers. The explanation seemingly given (in Peirush) is that they are constantly moving. In a sense, dancing. I’ll say, it is this dancing that allows them to praise H.’ And this is why Chasidim remind me of spheres. Plus, they dance in circles. 
I for one cannot say that the way the members of my shul walk around is actual dancing. What I saw on Simchat Torah was very out of shape people putting their arms on the person in front of them to brace themselves, in order not to fall. I did not see dancing or anything that resembled a prayer to H'. I did see people hoping their out of shape spouse doesn't get hurt.
So the planets are closer to Gd than us, and that should help you feel insignificant. I hope that inspires you. And their knowledge is greater than that of man. Which is why you never hear of a planet sharing a dumb idea in shul. You also don't see any of them on a committee.
To note, Peirush is a great name for a Peirush.

Laws 10-11: Gd created a type of matter that is not physical. When mixed with this matter, fire, wind, water and earth become what they are. Which is fire, wind, water and earth. Which is why I still have no idea what this matter is.
Unlike the spheres, fire, air, water and earth don't have a soul or knowledge, as they have predetermined movements, kind of like my math teacher who never smiled. 
Does this matter? Well yes. The matter does matter. Matter matters very much.
They have their ways, but they don't control them. They're not smart like the planets who are right now figuring out the cure for cancer.
We praise Gd for these forms of matter and what they produce, such as fire, snow and hail, as it is a constant reminder of Gd's might in this world. And they will ruin your home. They may not praise Gd, but they bring praise to Gd, especially on Lag BOmer, when you get a nice campfire and Kumzits singalong going. 
Don't feel bad for fire, air, water and earth. They don't know they don't have souls. Which is why I don't feel bad for that girl I broke up with years ago. Exactly. She has no soul.
They know not what they do. So, they are not chasing you. And this is why they are still fire, air, water and earth. If they had knowledge, they would've put together an insurance scheme.

Lessons: When you're learning laws, they are not always laws.
People who have a soul should take up expressive dance.
Respect the earth and recycle. Do what you can to protect the ozone layer. Move as much as you can, in praise of H,’ but do not use a car. Kills the atmosphere. And this is why religious Jews walk fast and are constantly running to do Mitzvot. It has nothing to do with not being able to afford a car.
I wasted all that time in school, reading those textbooks on geology the teacher gave me, when Saturn is so much smarter than her. And then I wasted time in chemistry. And astronomy. None of those books bring up the soul. Next time I take up science, I am going to stick to the Rambam. Science is spiritual.
Whenever you're down, just know the stars know a lot more than you. And that is science.

Many people know Sukkah songs. However, poetry adds depth. Poems make the holiday more meaningful. Here are a few poems I wrote in third grade, to bring spirituality to your Sukkot holiday.

Sukkah Hopping
Sukkah hopping is hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah
I hope we don't have to hop
Thank Gd. If we did. I would stop
And go back home
I don't think I can hop a mile even when I'm not alone
That's it?! All this Sukkah has is soup?!
Now I know why we have to go to another Sukkah
More candy?! From Sandy?!
Is this Sukkot or Halloween
Instead of a house, we're hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah
Hoping for some ice cream
We wouldn't have had to hop if just one Sukkah served a meal
I don't want an orange peel
People throw out the peel
Or compost it
Even with chocolate on it
You will notice that I chose poetry over the report. The teacher said that for my report to do well I needed punctuation.
You will also notice that we were hoping, not hopping, for ice cream. A little play on words, which I tried saying. It didn't work as well in oral form. When I recited this composition in third grade gym class, my fellow students asked what "hope" has to do with "hopping." I had to explain that it was a work of literature.

Why Are We Sitting Out Here
(I wrote this one in third grade about Sukkot - I was inspired) 
It's freezing- why are we outside
I understand there is a cover you call Schach- but the cover has holes in it
The chair is made of metal- where should I sit
It's freezing- I said the chair is made of metal
That's your forearm- who measures with a cubit
If this is our home- I want out of this family
For seven days I can do it- as long as we have brisket and hot pastrami
It's still freezing and brisket tastes good inside too
I truly love hot pastrami. I would've sat outside on the frozen chairs, in the uneven cubit Sukkah, for the hot pastrami.
I got a bad grade on this poem. My Torah and Mishna teacher was not inspired by my words.

I Love You Holiday
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, even though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ Wrong of her, as I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ Schoo and Jew rhyme. I believe that is quite clear.

The new school year is here and the Jewish day school gave you a checklist of stuff to buy. Which has you questioning why you're paying tuition. And why tuition is eighteen thousand dollars.
They gave you a list, but they didn’t explain it. They didn’t explain why your five-year-old needs Post-its. And still, no matter how well they learned to read in preschool, they don't do chores.
I’ve done my research of the Jewish day schools suggested back to school shopping lists and cannot explain how your $18,000 tuition doesn’t cover pencils. Nonetheless, I hope this helps you make sense of why you have to buy more crayons.
The list is long. Hence this year, we shall focus on writing instruments and supportive tools.
 
Something to Write On
That's a good idea. I remember showing up to school one year and there was nothing. I had pens, pencils, erasers. Nothing to write on. Why they told us we needed erasers, when we had nowhere to write. Another anomaly.
Something to write on means paper, if you want your kid to be judged for hating trees. If your child is in a religious school, you're better off sending them with parchment. It's better for Torah classes, and nobody is protesting parchment. Not as many people care about animals.
It turns out, this doesn't include desks. Something that I was not aware of. I asked and the school said desks are not a writing material. I don't have more information on that. I hung up the phone before they could get me for the tables I ruined in elementary school.
 
Computer
Many schools are going green, showing care for the environment. This is why it’s important to purchase a laptop. Paper lasts but a day. Laptops can go for a whole year, until they’re useless. At that point you compost it.

Pencils
Voted the number one thing your kid needs, and you need to purchase. The day school did not mention a pencil sharpener. If they had that, the kids could use their pencils from last year.
The day school also didn’t mention erasers. At that point, you might as well use a pen.
 
Extra Pencils for Your Child
People don’t borrow pencils, they steal them. They never return them. That is why all standardized tests are administered with number two pencils. Because the first one was stolen.
Do they teach the kids about pen Geneyva? No. Pen thievery is alive and well. Halacha class is focused on the dimensions of a Sukkah and how to measure with your arm. And do the children remember this stuff? No. Because they had nothing to write down the lesson with. 
Who forgets writing instruments to school?! Some parents don’t even buy their children pens. I know that Ben’s mom never bought him pens, because Ben never had a pen. Ben would ask me for a pen. Truth is, Ben always stole my pen.
Thus you need extra pencils, and a safe. The school did not mention the safe. Nonetheless, I suggest to get your child a safe, so Ben can't steal another pen. Ben needs a pen.

Glue Sticks, Glue, Rulers, Scissors, Paper, Siddur
The school provides absolutely nothing. Gym class doesn’t provide balls. The office needs the kids to bring printers so the teachers can make copies. Art class doesn’t provide paint anymore. You’ve got to bring your own paint brushes and paper mâché.
The $18,000 doesn't cover schooling anymore. It definitely doesn't cover prayer books for the Shacharit morning service. I'm still at a loss trying to figure out what $18,000 provides. You may have to provide a teacher as well. Be sure to check your back to school checklist to make sure education isn't something you have to provide.

Printers
The grocery store is selling printers as back to school gear, if your child has enough room in their knapsack to schlepp that to school every day. This is not on the school list. Though supermarkets are selling anything they can. You can pick this up next to the condiment section. Which is helpful, as some of Frank's spicy sauces work as decent ink cartridges. 
Unlike pens, other kids don’t ask to borrow printers. Hence, there's less of a chance of the other kids stealing Hewlett Packard. Even so, most kids do forget to bring their printers to school.
 
Crayola Crayons- 3 Packs, Crayola Colored Pencils, Crayola Fine Point Washable Markers & 2 Packs of Crayola Broad Tip Washable Markers, Crayola Water Colors
This is what the local Jewish day school suggested. I have a feeling Crayola is giving them kickbacks.
E. Steiger, Roseart and Cra-z-Art crayons won’t work. They must be Crayola. Maybe they don’t want your kids being judged by the kindergarten crayon snobs who only eat Crayola. I'm still convinced the school is getting kickbacks.
 
Post-its
Schools have stopped giving kids assignments. They now give them errands to run. Jewish history class had my nephew running a paper about Menachem Began and the Lechi.
This also makes it easier to write nasty stuff to stick on somebody’s back. The process of having to find the tape and glue, takes too long. And then you have to ask them to stand still, so you can attach it to their back properly. Why there's any adhesive other than Post-its, makes no sense.

Save money on Back to School Shopping
The school didn’t suggest this. That would be a chutzpa after charging you $18,000 tuition and not providing desks to write on.
Go shopping in October, when stuff goes on sale, after the Back to School Sale. That is when the back to school sales are in effect. Your child can carry the books and printer the first month and a half of school.
You can also go to the airport. They will be able to provide you with a plethora of scissors, staplers and pencils. They have mine.
Better yet, to save money... Instead of picking up the back-to-school pencils, paint and scissors, don’t throw out the school supplies from last year.

Next year we will focus on school accessories, such as another new backpack and a basketball hoop. The school doesn’t provide that either.
At least we now know that Post-its do not get kids to help. Your child still doesn't help out with the chores.

Postscript
A little extra for you. A poem I wrote in Third grade (even at eight years old I noticed the brilliance of rhyming “Ben” and “pen”):
Where is my pen, Ben
Whatever is best
Whatever color the teacher uses to grade the test
Get a Pen Ben
Ben Get a Pen 
Ben Has No Pen
Blue red black
Ben please may I get my pen back
Blue red black
Ben, why don’t you buy your own Bic 12 pack
Get a Pen Ben
Ben Get a Pen 
Ben Has No Pen
Get a Pen Ben
Why does Ben have no pen
Maybe it is in the den
Ben
Ben Get a Pen
*I don’t think Ben’s mom got the checklist.

This all happened in Rochester, New York, second half of the second millennium. Rochester is where people go for excitement, or because they immigrated to the United States and had a cousin in Upstate. Or because they thought Kodak would last more than twenty years.

These kids were growing up in Rochester in the 1920s. Kids grow up in Rochester. People get bigger in Rochester too. Their father, Rav Simcha Tillim, wanted them to learn from Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, a Tzadik. So, he walked his kids an hour each way every day to learn at the Tzadik's Cheder. Why Rav Tillim decided to buy a place as far away from Rav Bergman as possible is another story. It only took a half hour to get from one side of Rochester to the other. Yet, Rav Tillim understood Lfum Tzara Agra. According to the pain is the reward. He wanted to instill that pain in his children. Which is known as Chinuch and why we make kids go to school.
Rav Tillim, himself loved exercise, and it turned out he wasn't getting his steps. Back in those days you tracked your steps by shouting out numbers. The conversations with his children on their way to Cheder, Jewish school, made it all the way up to twenty thousand.
Rav Bergman was a rav and a Tzadik, and we know this, because he had an Eastern European accent.
After a day of this exercise and getting in his steps, the father decided the kids should walk by themselves. He already got in the twenty thousand steps. That was enough. He also realized that he already knew the Aleph Bet. To quote, "Lama Ani Holech LCheder. Ani Kvar Yode'ah HaAleph Bet vAni Tzarich LShalem LaZeh. FuFuFuFu."

The Tillim kids came home crying that first day after walking by themselves, as people were pulling their Payis. "Pulling my Payis" is not a Jewish euphemism for joking around with you. I have never heard a Frum Jew say, "Stop pulling my Payis," to somebody who is not a Nazi. I am not saying Jew haters don't have a good sense of humor. I wouldn't want to offend them.
Dad wasn't around, and the children learned real quickly that antisemitism exists when you're not with your parents. As anti-Semites truly hate children. They didn't complain about the two hour walk. And this has me wondering why they didn't take a bus.
As a child in the early 1900s you got beat up every day on your way to Cheder. Why did they beat them up? Because they were Jewish. It was American tradition back in the early 1900s. You see a Jew anywhere outside of the Lower East Side, you beat them up. It was a fun activity. Something to do. Movies weren’t that good back then. Bad graphics. It was a Jewish educational tool as well. You get beat up on the way to school to prepare you for the rest of your life, where people will be trying to kill you. 
These kids were getting beat up two hours a day. Cheder was three hours. Thus, we now have five hours a day of Jewish education.
Why they kept going to Cheder? I don't know. Was there a different route? Yes. But that route would've taken an extra three minutes. 

They told their rebbe, Rav Yechiel Meir Bergman, about the anti-Semites. To which Rav Bergman insisted they invite them to Cheder, so the kids would listen. Yard sticks and rulers weren't working in those days. After getting whacked by those a good hundred times, it doesn't bother you anymore. And many educators were sick of pulling out the spiked ball chain flail to help kids learn language. An anti-Semite standing in Shiur, the kids would listen and learn some Torah.
Their rebbe told them, “Come to Cheder and you will be protected every day.” It might have been the dad, Simcha Tillim, who said it, trying to get the kids out of the house so he could enjoy himself and the ice cream he brought home. I believe he purchased vanilla ice cream that day, and it was going to melt in twenty minutes. Back then, you had to eat ice cream real fast. Most families didn't have freezers. You picked up the ice cream from the grocery and you had eight minutes to eat it. So, you had to run home with spoon in hand and kick the kids out before it melted. Otherwise, you would have to share with them. And this is why parents also hate kids. In the early 1800s, before they developed freezers, you had to go all the way to Iceland to get ice cream, hoping a glacier didn't fall on you while you were putting on the sprinkles. That was the development of industry in Iceland. A global hankering for ice cream.
Anyhow. The children walked to Cheder and a dog escorted them every day. Never again were they attacked. I might have got that story wrong. But there was antisemitism. They didn’t even call it antisemitism back then. They called it interfaith dialogue. The Christians would say, “We hate you. You caused the black plague.” And then, to continue the conversation, they would physically assault you. That was only if the government didn't sanction them killing us.

For a year and a half, the dog would walk the kids to Cheder and then back. The dog would wait at the Cheder till it was over and then walk them home. The dog became proficient in Hebrew. It began saying, "Hav Hav." Rav Bergman was an amazing teacher and a Tzadik. At a year and a half the dog stopped escorting them. They finally gave the dog a treat.
For a year and a half, the dog was wondering why they hadn't given him anything yet. When he finally got the biscuit, he said, "I got what I came for. I can go now." Which was translated as "Hav Hav." Or maybe the kids just found a different route.

How the Cheder Started
Rav Bergman was fired. That's usually how Cheders start. He was teaching at a Hebrew day school and he taught kids that you have to listen to your parents, unless if they tell you to not keep Shabbis. Big mistake. Never tell Jewish kids in Jewish day school about Mitzvahs, especially when you're teaching Mitzvahs. When you're teaching the Ten Commandments, The Aseret HaDibrot, you're supposed to teach how to drive on Shabbat with your parents. Any rebbe that wants to keep his job in a Jewish day school knows that.
The principal heard this, closed the Chumash and fired him. I believe the quote was, "You don't teach Torah when you're teaching Torah." The principal understood how to run a Torah institution the right way. The way the Rochester community likes it.
That principal's hands were paralyzed for the rest of his life. So, we know it wasn't the principal that was pulling the Payis.

Lessons of What Followed
Nobody messed with Rabbi Bergman again. A Tzadik and a miracle worker, he had many jobs and nobody fired him.
It was years before anybody closed a Chumash again. People in Rochester would walk around with open books, in fear that they would die or get hiccups if they closed it.
The Smith brothers of Rochester later got a reputation for being guys you don't mess with. But they never closed a Chumash.

Jews started taking up boxing just to get hit in the face, as part of their Chinuch.

Rav Bergman was not seen as a Tzadik by the board of the Jewish day school, because the board of the Jewish day school was made up of a bunch of heretics. And it has thus been tradition in Rochester ever since to fire good rabbis who teach Torah. I'm sorry. I was fired for teaching Torah at a Jewish day school in Rochester, and I'm not even a Tzadik. I had to get it out somewhere. They should've kept me. I am extremely not devout.

The kids found a shorter route. Turns out Rav Bergman lived a block away. Their father just never showed his kids the shorter way.  To quote the father, "The most important part of honoring your parents is staying away from them." 
The kids stopped getting reward for suffering extreme pain. They had to find another way to get to Olam Haba, so they started pinching each other.

Why the anti-Semites were scared of a Maltese Poodle, I do not know.
Nobody knows the dog's name. They say it was a Gilgul, a reincarnation of somebody who wanted to educate children. Probably a Gadol HaDor, the greatest rabbi of their generation, a couple hundred years back, who got fired for teaching Torah to kids in Rochester. 

People come from all over to Daven at Rabbi Bergman's Kever, and they visit Rav Tillim as well. To this day, nobody in Rochester appreciates him. And now kids in Rochester take buses to the Jewish day school and learn arithmetic.

***I probably got the story wrong. See Nechama Burgeman's (September 21, 2010) notes in https://kevarim.com/rabbi-meir-yechiel-bergman/ for something that might be more correct.

Let us finish off the trilogy of antisemitism, with more Jewish hate. Today we shall speak of the anti-Semites on campus. The dangerous ones. The college students. When they study and get degrees they become more dangerous.
 
College Student Anti-Semites
They're studying at university. They don't have a choice. They want to pass.
Professors are giving lectures on how to attack Jews on the quad correctly, with peace signs. Giving courses on how annoying Yarmulkes are. With sections on the moral clarity of why rape and hostage taking are fine if it's against Jews. Jews Should Die: A Historical Perspective 101.
If college students want to graduate with honors, they have to express their hatred of Jews. They must learn to conjugate "Zionist" properly. And that means with the right tone of hate that expresses the fault of the "Zionist" for the deaths in Liberia. The killings in Iraq? Jewish. Armenian genocide? The Jews. Yemen? It was the Jews. If the Jews weren't kicked out or murdered, Muslims would not be killed.
Ivy League schools have created a curriculum for those who haven't been to Israel, called Hating a Place You've Never Been To: A Philosophical Perspective to Hating Jews.
I would do so good at Harvard nowadays. I would ace every test.

Jews are Educated Anti-Semites
Knowing stuff really gets people hating you. Did you ever run into a know it all?! It's this whole thinking education is important that has everybody hating us. If we just stopped learning, and stopped doing all this studying where we end up creating stuff and getting Nobel Prizes, people would love us. If we were just dumber. If we just gave less to society.
Then, the educated Jewish professors are the ones educating the anti-Semites to hate educated Jews.
A Shayla: If it wasn't for Jewish education, what would happen to antisemitism on college campuses?

The Jew Hater that Sleeps in a Tent
They make their point by sleeping outside and making signs. This shows their hatred of Jews by refusing to get a job.
These anti-Semites beat COVID by sleeping in tents. They also took down Donald Trump with the tents. And they are now taking down Israel with tents. How? By making their point and sleeping outside. Sleeping under the stars is something an American will not do, unless if they're very mad about something.
This is why I stay away from homeless people. I don't know if they hate Jews or not.

The COVID Protesters
Somehow, they're protesting Jews and still wearing masks. I don't know how COVID became part of the plight of the anti-Semite.
Due to their war on COVID, which they are still fighting, they protest Jews by wearing masks. Watch out for these anti-Semites, they are very mad and very violent. They might even be sitting next to you in Economics And How Jews Took All Your Money 201.

The Anti-Ben Shapiro
They just like arguing with Ben Shapiro.

The Student Union
Still not serving Kosher food. A bunch of anti-Semites.

Fifty-Year-Old College Students
Why these universities are all the sudden taking in students after retirement. Freshman at fifty, who never finished high school. And then they don't even give them dorms. Forcing them to sleep on the grass. In tents.

The Drive-by Anti-Semites
They drive-by and beep. These are the worst. You know they truly hate Jews. They're definitely not beeping me because I’m hot.
The first time I got beeped on Shabbat I thought somebody in the car was checking me out. Then I noticed the three-hundred pound bald guy and realized I had just finished taking down four pounds of Kugel the night before.

To my college students. We have to be tough. As a Jew, don’t let these anti-Semites scare you. Even if they're a fifty-five-year-old college student living on the quad, who has never attended a class. Keep strong. Fight back. Wear that Kippah, or Yarmulke if you’re not religious, and get them mad.
My dad A"H was tough. I will never forget when the neo-Nazis were on the side of the road yelling stuff at us on the way to shul. Stuff like "Jew." Never call a Jew a Jew. Especially when that Jew is my father. It's just offensive to call a Jew a Jew. To this day, it bothers me as a Jew when people don't call me Christian.
My father started chasing them, yelling, "One day you're going to work for my son." I will never forget that. The toughness. Willingness to stick up for his Jewish people who others called Jews. I also remember asking my father, "Isn't that why they hate us?"

And you know what gives us the right to be tough. Israel. The Zionists. Calling Jews who support and love Israel Zionists is offensive. It just hurts.

Laws 1-8: This is astronomy. So stop with the very educated mother serving nine pizza pies, and let's learn some Halacha.

Laws 1-3: Rambam talks about the stars and spheres and firmaments and other words that make less sense in English than Hebrew. But we translate it all. Why? You get more Schar, reward, when it's harder to learn. That is astrologically proven by those who are buckets and scales.
There are eight or nine planets. Nine spheres. Let's call it eight, because the ninth one is a sphere that goes around the earth every day. I thought that was a cold. There's always a cold going around.
Something goes around the earth every day, from east to west. It encompasses everything. I have no idea what that is.
The eight spheres with planets have other spheres in them. And that is astronomy. You now understand Gd and astronomy.
It seems like the Rambam would've also considered Pluto a dwarf planet. He just felt that was offensive, so he left it out. Either that, or the telescopes back then were not as good.

Law 4: The earth has one sphere that surrounds it and one which is fixed, that doesn't. The earth did not move back then. Things change. You have to accept that. The fact the Rambam knew that Pluto was a dwarf planet says enough about bigotry in America.

Law 5: This is the science of calculating the seasons and astronomy. And many books about them were written by the wise men of Greece. So, let's not blame the rabbis if any of this is wrong. It was the wise men of Greece. The wise men of Chelm also put out books about astronomy that didn't sell as well in the bookstores of Athens. To quote, "There are balls in the sky and a big round ball that burns you if you get a few kilometers closer to it." That was the extent of the studies put out by the wise men of Chelm.

Laws 6-7: The ninth sphere, whatever that is, has twelve parts, which make up what we know as Mazalot, signs, and discussions that have ruined every date I have ever been on.
The twelve are lamb, ox, twins, crab, lion, virgin, scales, scorpion, bow, goat, bucket, and fish. Now you can date Israeli girls.
We can't see the shapes now, because they've moved since the time of the deluge. That's all you need to know. The flood set in place this crab looking sign, which ruined any chance I have at ever marrying a Sefardi girl.

Law 8: The sun is around 170 times the size of the earth. The earth is bigger than some planets and smaller than others. Now you won't sound like an idiot. Astrologically, you have now reached your ascendant, as Merav expressed on that date in Modiin.

Lesson: And that is how they taught astronomy a thousand years ago. Now you know astrology. You don't have to read these huge textbooks put out by the Greeks nine-hundred years ago to go on a date with a Sefardi girl.
You just have to learn the Rambam. Maybe your educated mother didn't serve that much pizza.
I am happy I was able to educate you on the makeup of the firmament, if that's what it is.

Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes.
Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays.

Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl
This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting.

Sukkah Hanging Decorations
Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart.
Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. 
Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah.
Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings.
Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations.

Pesach Seder Art
It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June.
Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah.
A Seder plate.  Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it.  Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out.
Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it.
Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art.

Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah)
A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius.
People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons.
You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction.

Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art
A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain.

Tisha BAv Art
Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains.

Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume.
I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape.
If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain.

As the holidays are coming and Sukkot is around the corner, it's time let out your Jewish artistic soul. You must decorate the Sukkah, and that means Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to Japanese origami. Just that we use staples.
A subsection of Jewish art, nothing is more fun than the family sitting around with paper plates, cardboard and colored paper, doing Jewish origami projects with staples and scissors.

The Paper Chain Sukkah Project
Tons of fun. You take a piece of paper, cut it into strips, make each strip a circle and staple it. Stapling is the most important part of the Jewish origami project. Do not skip stapling. Then take the next strip, slip it through the first circle and staple it, thus making another circle. Don't staple before strip is slipped through the circle. This is not linking chains. This isn't Jewish magic. It's Jewish art. The art comes out in how your child staples the strips. Sometimes kids make the strips very thick. If the child successfully staples thick strips, you know they have a future as an artist in Tzfat.

Paper plate Hamentashen
A great way to spend five minutes with the kids. Take a paper plate. Fold the corners, thus making a triangle with a pocket. Similar to the Hamentash pastry, yet you don't fill up the inside with jam. How does it stay together? Staples. Something the Japanese still haven't figured out. At school, they're still ripping the corners of papers to hold them together.
Stuff the Mishloach Manot candies and little bits of cake into the pocket. If you have an extra five minutes to spend with the kids, pull out some markers and let the kids draw on their hands. Any art with markers will end up on the child's hand.
Plastic plate don't work. We've tried this in Israel, and the folded plastic plate just rips.
Please note, the paper plate Hamentashen is not edible. Though it's a Hamentashen, it's not a pastry.

Draw a Dreidel
This is Chanukah origami. As long as it involves paper, it's Jewish origami. We suggest that for fine Jewish origami you use markers.

Jewish Papercut Art
A subsection of Jewish origami, where we also incorporate scissors. For papercuts you use paper, hence Jewish origami. In this form of Jewish origami you cut a design. Any design is Jewish if a Jew cuts it. The same way an animal is Kosher if a Jew Shechts it. You then write something in Hebrew on the remaining paper, again making it Jewish origami.
For many years Jewish papercuts was banned in Eastern Europe due to the injuries. People would take Siddurs, flip the pages and cut themselves. The papercuts burned and many people ended up in hospitals due to Jewish papercuts.
Years later they decided to cut into the paper and make designs. This became a big art form in Haifa, known as Haifa Jewish origami.

Maybe one day the Japanese will figure out how to use staples and save some time.
When purchasing Jewish origami you should know there are scammers out there. To this day, I don’t purchase Jewish papercuts, unless if there's blood on it. Then I know it’s truly a papercut.

Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe.

A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis
Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water.
You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke.
Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.'
The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.'
You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke.
All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.'

How Far Can a Rabbi See
Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim.
Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!'
The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?!

The Rebbe Who Always Fasted
These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win.
Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how modest my rebbe is. He's so modest, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.'
This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend.

NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are
Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom.
Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.'
In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain.

Conclusion
A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs.
My Abba told these jokes better than me.

Epilogue
We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything.
We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is.
It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already.
Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see how a Frum Jew looks when vacationing, admiring Frum toilets, while David complains about children giving Tzedakah with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Mitzvot and boardgames that teach Mitzvot.

I have never celebrated so many people accomplishing nothing. Nonetheless, it's time to celebrate. And I have to say 'Mazel Tov.' Here are three graduations I just witnessed, that made no sense.
 
Nursery School Graduation
A graduation celebrated with little kids singing and screaming the 'Hatikva' at the same time. Parents sit and watch this spectacle of their tone-deaf child, while trying to figure out if they will also not be smart when they grow up too.
Cute to everybody else, this pathetic display hits its climax when your child, Sara, ends up giving up on her own graduation and sitting on your lap. At which point, you have to carry Sara back to her seat and put the paper circle hat back on her head. Part of this festivity is you having to muster up the Nachis for your graduating child while sitting up there with Sara and the other four-year-olds, singing 'The Ants Go Marching One By One.'
Don’t acknowledge the other parents who think their kids are smart, because they were able to find their seats with their pictures on it.
 
Nursery School non-Graduation
This is to celebrate your narcissistic three-year-old who isn't graduating and doesn’t have the ability to share in other kids’ happiness. Between us, their face was not on the seat. They just took it. The other kids finished nursery school and deserve a celebration, as they are now ready to take on life with their ability to share LEGOs. LEGOs that are 280 times the size of a normal LEGO.
The LEGOs were brought up at the inspirational Nursery Commencement Speech. That's how I know about the LEGO and their importance in a child's development of climbing stuff.
We add your three-year-old into the graduation party by cutting out a paper and making a circle out of it, and then stapling it. The cut paper circle hat demarks all celebrations for children, until they reach fourth grade. At which point they show up to everything in shorts.
 
Kindergarten Graduation
Celebrate this kid finishing kindergarten by handing them a diploma they can’t read. This time the official diploma has a little Hebrew on it, that you also can’t read.
I don’t know if you can consider a graduation official, if the graduate can’t read their own diploma. Nonetheless, there's nachis to be had, as your child Aced naptime. Again, this graduation is celebrated with singing and screaming the 'Hatikva,' and a stapled paper circle strip.
 
To the little ones, enjoy it. Nobody will care about you after third grade.
To you, my friend, just say 'Mazel Tov' to these people. The parents need to hear it. For support. And take pictures. It's cute to see the kids thinking they did something, thinking it's normal to put a paper circle on your head. Until you're eight, it's normal. 
What's not normal is the guy with the guitar. It's creepy. We're still asking why the guy with the guitar is there, wearing shorts. He might be preparing for summer camp. We have no idea how he became part of the graduation.

Whatever you're celebrating, make it a real Simcha by cutting a paper and making a circle out of it, stapling it and putting it on your head.
Next time, we shall discuss every other graduation, guised as a celebration, recital or fair.

It has been too long since our last major holiday. I've been working, and it got me thinking. Thank Gd Purim and Pesach are coming. I need a break.
I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them today. Holidays meant days off from school. And that meant happiness. A happiness engraved in my soul. So, I bring you some of memories of my love of holidays in third grade.
 
I Loved the Food
Brisket meant two days with no school. That juicy meat was good, and it meant no classes. That's how I associate with brisket.
My mom was always happy around holiday time, as it's a Mitzvah to be happy. She would also complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. Apparently, my mom didn’t like cooking as much as I thought. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt. I had a picture Haggadah. I never saw one of those slaves cooking.
My mom would never let the guests know of her situation as a parent. If she would have told somebody, they might have gotten her out of it. At a certain point, when I took my first standardized test, I began to understand my mom. I told the guests about true slavery.

I Loved Praying
Holidays meant shul and prayer. I felt so close to Gd when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’
Believing in Gd meant more vacation and I connected with my religion.
I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving. As I learned in school, the more you get used to something, the less it feels like a chore. And that was true for everything, but school.
One thing that had me questioning omnipotence, was bagged lunches.
 
Half Day of School is Still Religious
I would also get excited for minor holidays. I define minor holidays by celebrating in school. That meant my parents would have to go to work; that didn't hurt my celebration.
Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities we called religious, because they taught us nothing.
On Purim, we would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even enjoyed the throw the sponge at David’s face booth, as I was committed to the community. I would risk my well-being for the sake of fewer classes.
Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.
 
Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad 
The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for a shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. We also learned about the bad smell of a ram’s horn. They also had a grogger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.
I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous. I stay away from booths in transit.
 
Factories are Better than Booths
There was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. This took place a week before the Pesach. The Matzah Factory, multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Though it was matzah, we couldn't it eat on Passover. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough. As such, our Matzah was not fit for Passover.
I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative. They think, child labor is wrong. However, it is OK if it is for education. The school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth, as child labor is OK if done for education.
I loved holidays before the holidays even happened. Half a day off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?
 
Holidays with Full Day of School = Not Jewish
These days were of religious nature, as we had an extra art class. Even so, as much as I loved papier-mâché, they were not Jewish to me. This is why I never considered Martin Luther King Jr. a Jew. Not to offend.
I knew when a non-Jewish holiday was coming, as 'Day' always followed the name. Lincoln Day, Martin Luther King Day, Evacuation Day, which they kept us in school for.
Other kids never got days off of school for their holidays. Which made me feel bad for the Christian kids at Hillel Jewish Community Day.
 
Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick
This might just say it all:
 
Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school
 
Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on that, though ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ And that was wrong of her.
 
Sundays Don’t Last all Week
Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Yes. But you have to live in reality, and I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven does not exist on earth.
Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into the hell of school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Mrs. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.
 
Finished School - Still Religious? 
Once school stopped, I had no reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion… Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off.

I will forever love our holidays. Holidays, food and no school are one in the same. I can't wait for Purim next week, and Pesach next month. If it was Thanksgiving, it would be just as good. We got off of school then too. And my mom made brisket.
Thou shalt not lie. If we would've had a day off and recess, I would've loved being Jewish more. For the educators of our youth, I am putting that out there.

Candy is the backbone of the Jewish child’s experience. Without it, the tradition will not be passed down from generation to generation. A bold statement,  but no child is doing anything Jewish without sweets.
Chinuch, Jewish education is only as good as the candies you have. Classes will only be effective if they end with lollipops, or better yet, the stick into the sugar candy. Nothing is better than dunking a stick made out of candy, into more candy. And that leads to Torah. I would go back to elementary school if the teachers were giving out candy to stick in candy. I would learn Torah all day for that.
You can’t have good Jews without candy. This is the hypothesis. It hasn’t been proven. However, the amount of chubby good Jewish adults leads itself to the conclusion that good Jews eat candy. Health is not a Jewish ritual. Throwing candies and then eating them is. Let us explore the sigfinicance of candy in childhood.
 
Honey on First Letter of The Torah
When a child first learns Torah, we put honey on the first letter, a ‘Bet,’ so that the child will see the Torah as sweet. That's tradition. The child licks that first letter and they love it. This isn’t always the greatest idea. Sometimes kids end up thinking the proper way to read is by licking. My nephew licked the letter and was walking around with a piece of the parchment stuck to his tongue for a couple of days.
This may be why many Torah scrolls get messed up. Honey is sticky, and it can get into the parchment. But we do that for the kids, because Jewish education comes first. This tradition was developed before Paskesz mastered the sour stick. Otherwise, we would be putting rainbow sour sticks on the first letter of the Torah. Oodles would get all over the floor.
You don’t put broccoli on the first letter of the Torah. You want the child to love the Torah? No child is learning Torah because of vitamin B9. You try to get your children eating healthy at home, and you wonder why they love eating at their friend's house. You can’t entice children with salad. If these millennial parents were educating children, no kid would ever want to learn Torah.
 
Only way To get Kids to do Stuff at School
As a kid, one day I showed up to class and the rabbi said, ‘No gum in this class.’
I asked, ‘Why am I even here? If there is no candy, what is the point? Give me an F.' I got an F in that class and I wasn't allowed to leave. My parents didn't take my side of the argument.
I stopped going to gym class too. The gym teacher never gave us candy. First he makes us run laps, and then we play dodgeball, for what? Why even go to school? You won’t get kids into shape if you don't draw their interest. And the only way to do that is with candy. Have the kids run laps for gummies. That's how you make a healthy child.
 
Kids go to Shul for Candy
Go to shul to pray? No. Kids go for the sweets.
Ever been in shul for a Bar Mitzvah? Hundreds of children crawling on the floor by the Bimah, diving for candy. Nobody knows where they come from. How do they end up in shul? Candy. Word gets out. Random children come in from the park. Kids that aren’t even Jewish; they find slacks and jump into shul. After the candies are all picked up from the whipping the Bar Mitzvah boy with the Sunkist fruit gem ceremony, not one child can be found. They disappear. No point in being in shul when the candy is gone.
Why do people convert to Judaism? They went to a friend’s Bar Mitzvah when they were young and they remember diving for a Sunkist fruit gem.
We all only go to Bar Mitzvahs for the candies. Even if you don’t eat them, you want to whip them at the thirteen year old for reading so slowly and stealing an extra hour of your Shabbat afternoon nap. Side note: You should be throwing the candies at his parents that are telling him to enunciate every word.
I praise those little Jewish kids who dive for the candies. They're committed to the Jewish tradition, even with their parents telling them not to ruin their slacks. They are committed to Jewish tradition because of the Sunkist fruit gem.

The Candyman
There is even a position for this guy at shul. This guy is more important than the Gabai. I don’t even think kids notice that there is a rabbi or a Chazan. The only legitimate position I ever noticed at shul was the candyman.
​All rituals I enjoyed growing up were because of candy. I loved shul because of candy. I didn't like the older men in shul, but they had candy, so I loved them. You put 'candy' before 'man' and that is someone who is loved, and educating the children. Someone you can connect with. Example of education: 'What are the names of our forefathers Mr. Bergerman?' 'Here is a candy.' That is fine Jewish education.
The candyman is the only reason why any child enters shul on a regular day. That's why the feminist movement is against Mechitzahs; they have no access to the candyman. The kids even smile for the man. Kids go into synagogue and smile for that man, until they lose their teeth. They smile at nobody else. Why? Because the Candyman is the only one with Laffy Taffys.
 
Jewish Rituals
Are there any Jewish rituals that don’t involve candy? No. Tisha BAv, the Nine Days, kids still eat candy.

​As can be seen, all Jewish education and practiced ritual is contingent on how much candy is involved. To quote my rabbi, 'Every learned Jew has snorted Paskesz plastic fruit sugar.'
To this day, I am shocked that schools don't focus more on sweets for their lunch program. It should be proteins, greens and fruit gems.

Your kid is late again and it’s your fault. You cannot use the ‘doctor’s appointment’ excuse more than eight times a semester. You also can’t write that your child is late because she was afraid of failing the Chumash test. You might as well tell them your daughter is failing Gd.
Teachers have seen them all. Thus, you must learn the art of writing late notes.
You want your child getting into a decent high school, and late notes will get them there. I'm going to help. Here are some late notes that will help you, the parent, and the family, look good when writing notes for Jewish day school:
 
My Child was Praying
If it sounds religious, it’s not a demerit. Play their education game. We all know the kids have no clue what they're saying in the Hebrew prayers. How many times have they sang ‘Adon Olam’ in school? Exactly my point. No clue.
There’s no way your child was praying. They haven’t even joined in the Hatikvah the past few weeks. Oh. The school will tell you, 'They sing that "Adon Olam" so beautifully.' That’s how they get the donations. The kids sing it with such commitment and Kavanah, proper intent, to harmonize. They think they’re singing about winter break and not having to be in school.

My Child Was Honoring Her Parents
It's a Mitzvah to let you sleep through bus pickup too. 
You can use any Mitzvah and the note will score extra credit points. ‘My child was visiting the sick on school time.’ ‘My child was honoring her parents by letting them sleep.’ ‘My child took out the trash.’ Even if it looks like you’re running a child labor camp, that’s fine if it’s a Mitzvah.
‘I was teaching him the blessing on cereal.’ That's educational, and no Jewish day school is going to argue that the blessing shouldn't take a couple of hours of focus.
 
We Were Visiting My Parents
That will get you an extended weekend every once in a while.
Visiting grandparents can be part of the commandment to ‘honor your parents.’ Going to classes is not a commandment. Though, you get into more trouble for skipping school than sinning. The school will also support visiting the grandparents, as they are the ones paying for the education.
 
We Ran Out of Frosted Flakes
They’ll understand. Your child needs the flakes frosted. Anybody with a heart and kids will understand that your child threw a fit when you offered them Corn Flakes. They know your kid ripped up the box and threw it at you, smashing the Corn Flakes, spat on Kellogg’s, and pulled out all the drawers in the kitchen, threw all their clothes on the floor, ran away from home, and cursed out Mom. That’s expected nowadays. It’s a normal reaction to cereal with no sugar.
The school will also understand that it's questionable to make a Bracha over unsugared cereals. 
 
We Were Still On Vacation for Chag
Use the holiday as much as you can. Milk it. That note can last for three weeks after any holiday. They give you off eight, you take eighteen for your child. Eighteen lets them know it was a meaningful religious thing, as well.
Slap ‘Chag with grandparents’ on that note, and your child will walk out with a 4.0 without ever being in class.
Remember, late notes for Jewish day school can be used for not being in class for days or weeks. There is no reason to put in all that effort of writing for one day, or a couple of hours. What? Now, they expect you to write? You’re not in school. If your child has a doctor’s appointment in the middle of a school week, that’s a good time for a long family weekend getaway.

I’m a Mother
Accuse them. Let them know. These twenty-five-year-old teachers have no idea what you’re going through. Your kid deserves a decent grade because you have to parent them. Even if you’re not a mother, if you’re writing a late note you’re close enough. You can be the guy running the bodega; if you have to write the late note, you're the mom.
Let the doctor know you’re a mother. Bring that note to the doctor’s office. Instead of waiting in the waiting room, make the doctor wait. At least your note is legible.
‘We made a mistake.’ Let it all out. You’re writing a note already, maybe you can find someone to talk to about the pain of parenting these children. You didn’t mean to have the seventh child. Maybe the teacher will have a heart and reach out to you.
 
I Had to Pack Snacks for Nine
Put it on you and the other eight kids you birthed. You can add in ‘I have a family,’ for spite. Have them asking why the note has nothing to do with the child. They’ll get the point.
You can add in, 'DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND???!!!' Add that into any note for late note effect.

My Child Was Running Errands
Your child is a prodigy and you know that. Just ask you. That’s why you’re coming up with excuses for them to be late and skip tests. He’s a genius and you've seen him at work. His sense of direction is amazing. You saw that when he was in pre-school and could already find sugar cereals in the supermarket. Don’t worry about them accusing you of abuse and child labor. If you want to talk about abuse, they’re running school till 4:15pm. Plus, have you seen the Hebrew homework, in Hebrew? That’s sweatshop labor abuse.
 
We Went to Israel
With that note, your child never needs to show to class. You can get off a whole half year with that note. They’ll still give your child an ‘A’ at Jewish day school. They have to.
The school has had enough arguments with people claiming that every moment in Israel is Jewish education. It’s about preservation of our people. If elementary school parents could set-up their eight-year-olds with good Shidduchs, they would have them skipping school so they could get married earlier.
 
My Child Was Learning Torah
That note will get you nowhere. They know that didn't happen.
 
We Don’t Understand You
‘Neither me or my child understood your homework.’ Yes. You are part of this. They know you’re doing the homework.
Have you seen this modern Hebrew? It’s impossible to hold down two jobs and to keep up with third-grade level. You can also write, ‘We had to go to after school classes to understand your class. We are late because we were taking your class.’ Better yet, write the note in Hebrew. ‘אנחנו מאוחרים בגלליך.’ She’ll the get the point.
If it’s a first grader, write the note. First graders are still tracing the Aleph Bet, and they don’t get homework. Even so, you can still right the note for them. Better yet, trace it.
Remember, it’s not the education, it’s what high school they’re going to get into. The blaming the teacher technique will work, if they want to keep their job. On a side note, it’s about time you brushed up on your non-Biblical Ivrit.
 
More Brilliant Late Note Ideas to Help You
‘We had an extended Shabbat.’ Make your weekend getaway sound Jewish. You can even say that you went to a deli. 
You went on a ski trip? If it's over a weekend, that's an extended Shabbat.
‘They went to Minyin.’ If they go to shul, they can get off. You can just write ‘shul.’ The only issue is that the school has already pegged you, the parent, as a heretic. They know you’re not going out of your way to pray with your child. You might want to write, ‘They went with their Bubbie and Zayde to Minyin.’ The school loves them. They’re the only reason your child is at the school. They’re the ones paying.
‘I was running around, picking up all the children for their after-school activities, because none of the other parents in this class help with carpooling. See the children that showed up on time? I hate their parents.’ The other parents never do anything. Hate them. Let it out.
‘Why don’t you teach the children how to use an alarm clock in this school?’ That is a complaint more than a late note. Put the blame on them.
‘The bus wouldn’t wait.’ Your child is special. The school should know that. Your child is the champion. Your child is the winner. Your child is the best. The others are nothing compared to your child.
‘The bus was late because of my child.’ The school is fine with that.
‘Culture Club was playing and we had to play through “Time,” and then we rocked out to some Uncle Moishy and the Mitzvah Men. As a family, we sing together.’
‘I took them to the Metallica concert last night.’ The honest, bold and defiant late note. You were hearing the heavy metal. You’re feeling it. If you’re worried, tell them it was an Uncle Moishy concert that you were drinking at with the kids.
‘Tooth hurt.’ Don’t tell them which tooth. There’s no point. It could be yours. The goal is to make the education hard on the teacher, while your child still receives a 4.0 for having Jewish grandparents.
‘Their little brother ate it.’ You’re religious. They know you don’t have a dog eating the kids homework. Why dogs love eating homework so much is something I will never understand. Yet, they eat it.
They’ve seen little Jewish boys eat. If it has sugar on it, they’ll eat paper. Nobody has ever eaten those Lieber’s or Paskesz pebbles without devouring half a sheet of paper. If you need an animal for the note, you can use a goldfish. You can tell the school you won the goldfish at the Purim carnival. They’ll believe the goldfish ate it.
‘During these times.’ Anything you say with ‘during these times’ cannot be argued with. They chalk it up to the pandemic.
‘The pandemic.’ Just write ‘the pandemic’ and your child is promised a perfect score. If your child pays attention in school, they’ll learn how to get government assistance.
‘I am a parent and I need to sleep.’ 
You are not waking up at 6:30am. Responsibility is not important when you’re tired. You spent all day carpooling yesterday, and it wasn’t even your own child. You don’t want your kid getting bad grades and your family looking bad. Make sure you have the notes prepared.

As we recap, never forget to add ‘Chag’ to your late note. Holidays can always be used to get out of school. You also get off more days of school if you add in grandparents and Israel (ex of the perfect late note- ‘We went to Metallica in Israel, on Chag, with our grandparents’). And when your child is older, they will learn the importance of celebrating holidays to get out of work.
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Next time we will talk about mastering the art of handing in late notes to the Jewish day school staff saying 'my child is Jewish' and ‘my child is a Tzadik,’ thus ensuring success with no explanation.