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Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur. What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. Nusach Ashkenaz This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it. Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form. Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does. English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service. Nusach Taiman This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often. Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman. Nusach Sefarad Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha. They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts. Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out. The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle. Nusach HaAri I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that. Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri. Eidut Mizrach Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach. Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop. The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot. Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist. Nusach HaGra This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry. Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise. There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven. From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them. Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Teitzei8/27/2023
Announcements
High Holiday seats are for sale now. To get good ones, near the back of the shul, near the door, away from the rabbi and the Chazin, you should purchase them soon. The price on the seats next to quick escape routes will be going up soon. Warning: We have a new Chazin. Please don't sit next to anybody at daily Minyin. The regulars have complained that people are showing up to Minyin. The members of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah don't like when people sit next to them. Do not move the watches and coats. Watches and coats need seats. So, please don't complain if you see a watch on a chair. There are chairs people and chairs for time pieces. Kaddish is off still. The sound coach made it worse. Now some of the members think they can sing. That is not good for anybody. The rabbi has ordained that from now on, Kaddish can only be chanted. Not sung. For good gas prices in the area, BJ's. They're the best. Bridge event will be taking place at shul this Sunday. The shul will finally be full. Even congregants are planning to show. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 22:1-3) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or sheep cast off and hide yourself from them; you shall return them... If your brother is not near you and you don't know him, then gather it into your house... and return it to him. And so shall you do for his donkey, and so shall you do for his clothing, and so shall you do for any lost article of your brother... and you shall not hide yourself.' You borrowed clothes from the shul clothes drive. Never gave them back, Rivki... You're hiding the clothes. We know it... I don't know how this guy doesn't know his brother. The donkey is not related. It's just that it's his donkey, so you help it... You should help a donkey too. I read the whole thing, because none of you help. You don't hide yourself from helping. From being useful. You don't hide. From giving Tzedakah, you don't hide. Unless if the guy needs the money. Then they start knocking on your door and showing up. From being on time to Minyin, you don't hide. From Melvin's extremely bad jokes, you don't hide... He needs somebody to tell them to. You don't hide?! You cross the street when members of the shul are coming... We know you see us... The way you guys hide from helping... Saying 'hello' is helpful. It helps people have a decent day. That's why you guys don't do it. I have seen you in the corner, Shmuel. Hiding behind a chair... You're sixty-three years old. It was like you were playing hide-and-seek from volunteering... You're sixty-three. Help. (Devarim 22:4) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or ox fall on the road and hide yourself from it; you shall stand it up with him.' Why the Torah needs to tell you to help. To not be a selfish... Commandments to help. Yes... I know it's scary. You don't help. I don't know why the donkeys and oxen... No. They didn't have cars then. If somebody needs help with a car. You help them... Yes. You stand it up. You should be working out... You're too weak to be helpful. At Kiddish, you've never taken out a soda. It's as if the two liter bottles are too heavy for you. And the seltzer... The seltzer is one liter... They're all volunteers. They all pay dues... Your watch is on the seat two down from you. You have to buy two seats for the High Holidays. If you don't want anybody sitting next to you, because you're not helpful and selfish, you have to buy two seats... Maybe your children would show up if you bought them seats. You buy them tickets to the Peacock games... Nobody on that team helps. They're the worst football team... If somebody lost their High Holiday seats, you return it to them... All Jews are brothers. If you see it that way, you'll help. You don't see each other as brothers... I know you hate your siblings... You can't hide from helping people. That's the point. You can't hide from saying hello... We see you turn your head. Then, when you do say 'Hi' to them, they don't like you... They say 'Hi' back because they're not jerks like you. They know you're only saying hi now because you want to make your way to the babka... Helping somebody play bridge. I don't know if that's a Mitzvah. Your Kaddish is helping nobody. It hurts. Hearing you mess it up hurts. That's not a Mitzvah... (Devarim 22:8) A man can't wear woman's clothing and woman can't wear a man's clothing... No. Sima is not wearing men's clothes. Her dress is just ugly. The pattern is messed up. I know it looks off... Yes. You would have to return that dress as well. If you found it on the side of the highway, like Sima did, you would have to return it to her... Even if it's ugly... Help. Every once in a while, be a useful individual. Rivka’s Rundown Now that was a good message. 'Help.' People in our congregation need to hear that. Some of the membership was shocked and complained to the board that the rabbi's message was offensive, and they should never be asked to help. Some of the members didn't show up to shul for a month after the sermon, in fear they'll be asked to volunteer. The whole sermon there was a kid screaming outside. Not one person got up to help them. It turns out they fell and broke their arm. Some congregants never come. They only make it for the High Holidays and bridge events. What they have in common? They only happen once a year, and Bernie never gives up his seat. More Jews showed up to the bridge tournament than shul. If we would just have a card game in the chapel, people would show up for Minyin. The membership truly only wants to know decent gas prices. That's why they come to shul. The office gets calls every day for where a decent place to get gas is. BJ's definitely has the best deal. They used to come for doctors. But now the doctors at shul are asking for copays to talk to them at Kiddish. I do pray the rabbi's new rule of chanting only holds up. The people can't hold a tune. I believe the song teacher quit the profession after working with out congregants. She said the congregants convinced her that she has no song teaching abilities. To quote, 'I can't even teach Bernie to hold a note for two seconds.' Some congregants speed through Kaddish, liken they're trying to lose the other mourners. It's not right. What people will do to not have to sit next to somebody else in our shul. The fact the board had to make the announcement to not sit next to people. You can't sit next to some of these older guys in the shul. It seems like each decade they add to their life, they take up another twelve feet of chair. This is why I'm against the new pews they're planning to put in the shul. Each person will take a bench. It will move from a 480 seat shul to a fifty seat shul. We should just have chairs spaced ten feet apart. They truly do take up rows. His hat has a seat too. I thought they were all selfish. You see a chair with a Kippah on it. But then who wants to sit next to Bernie. I don't want to talk about Sima's dress. Not the nicest thing. They just don't want to help. To quote Malki, 'If we all pay dues, why are we all the ones that have to work?! I'm going to start eating out. You don't have to volunteer at a restaurant. Restaurants are cheaper, and they clean up the place.' People are so not helpful in our community. Somebody was sick. They asked them to make chicken soup for the congregation. Pathetic. What our membership will do to not help. One guy started crying. He had a temper tantrum when the rabbi asked him to help put the Schach on the Sukkah last year. Putting out the Machzorim, people run. Just a meaningful Parsha. The holding onto it lesson was also meaningful. I think it's time I returned the Game Boy I borrowed when I was fifteen. 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The Rambam gives us beautiful insight into how to give Tzedakah. This is found in the Mishnah Torah Laws of Gifts to the Poor 10:7-14. Let's delve.
Level 8: The giver is pained by the act of giving Who doesn't hate giving?! Known simply as Tzedakah, this is when you give charity. For instance, when somebody is in need, and you do a kind deed and give them money to help them out. When you take that money and give it, you feel a sharp pain in your shoulder, known as kindness. This also known as dues. Level 7: They give less than they should but does so cheerfully Of course they're cheerful, they're barely giving anything. They're saving money on this. This is when they come around with the Tzedakah box at shul and you put in a dollar. I've never seen anybody put more than a dollar into the Pushke box. Level 6: Gives after being solicited This is when you're stuck at a red light and a stranger knocks on your window. You're scared. To ward off the potential threat, you pull out a dollar and get them angrier. This is also when a stranger comes to your front door. You give them money in fear they'll break in. Then they see you have a wallet and you end up giving more. Level 5: Donor gives without being solicited This never happens. I've been on a member of congregations around the world. This has never happened. The closest thing to this is when you get a calendar for Rosh Hashanah, and you feel bad that these people have been chasing you for eighteen years. So, you give them Chai dollars. Eighteen dollars of generousness. You feel you've done your job in helping purchase a house for the homeless children in Israel. If it ever does happen, if somebody donates from their heart, you'll find out. There will be a plaque. Level 4: Recipient knows the donor but donor doesn't know recipient You'll know who you gave it to when you get nasty looks at shul for being cheap. Level 3: Donor knows the recipient but recipient doesn't know donor You give money and you're constantly asking yourself why this guy can't get a job. And then they end up pledging two-hundred dollars for Maftir. Level 2: Neither donor nor recipient knows the other Somebody else is stealing this money. Level 1: Donor gives recipient the wherewithal to be self-sustaining This is the highest level of charity, as you're not even giving charity. Hence, it's also the most beloved form of Tzedakah. The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is not to give them the fish, but to teach them how to fish. You give them an activity to get their mind of the fact that they're broke. Help them escape from their messed up lives for a few minutes with something to do. Maybe they'll forget they're hungry. Nowhere does the Rambam say to give a lot of Tzedkah. He knows nobody will do that. Tithing is also not mentioned as a level here. He knows. The greatest level, which the Rambam doesn't mention, is when there is a building put up with your name on it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shoftim8/21/2023
Announcements
No more cursing people under your breath, especially when it's loud. When Michi does a breath out, he's mad. We are noting that to all in the congregation, as some members thought Michi likes them. He doesn't. He did a breath out the other day when the babka was taken out too early. He is actually cursing you out when he does the breath out. We are sorry about the visitor. His Kaddish was not in tune and not on beat with our shul's cadence. Baruch leads the Kaddish. We must follow him, even though it's very slow and tedious and kind of makes you want to not live. Let's not blame the guest for everything. Kaddish in our shul is still not on beat and without unison, without the guest. A special consultant singer will be coming this week to teach our congregants how to be in unsion for Kaddish. They will also choose who the Chazin leader will be. BE"H it will not be Baruch. He is so off tune. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Layner took a long time today... You were reading from the Torah. You were not asked to meditate over it. And then the Haftorah. I feel like I'm sitting through Yom Kippur here... And Yom Kippur is coming soon... It's Elul, Baruch. You should feel guilty. Teshuva. You have too much. That's the problem... (Devarim 17:15-19) When you have a king, they should not have too many horses. Not too many wives. Not too much money. And he shall 'write for himself two copies of the Torah...' And they should not have a Layner that takes too much time... Mishneh. Two. You don't lose copies?! After every one of my classes, I see sheets laying around. Mishnah is to also learn. Two copies. To learn them... He should learn it. The king is not looking for a second job as a scribe. He should learn it. 'And he shall read it all of his days.' Reading is learning... We call it learning. You don't read Torah. You learn it. You learn it out loud. Learning is out loud... Learning is learning. That means reading. Learn how to say Kaddish right... Yes. A more upbeat Kaddish. Kaddish is about celebrating life. Not hearing Baruch dying... It sounds like you're dying. That's how slow your Kaddish is... Why learn it? Why all this not having too much? 'So that he will learn to fear H' his Gd, to observe all of the words of the Torah...' It's because you don't learn. And you have too many horses. Equestrianism is Asur... Then just have one horse. Does your family need a third car?! You have too much stuff. The one thing you don't have too much of is Jewish values. I said it... No more under breath cursing. When you curse somebody under your breath, they hear you. They hear your under-breath cursing... You whisper very loud, Michi.... You called him an idiot... You don't learn the Torah under your breath. Because then it would sound like you're cursing the Torah. H' doesn't want kings cursing the Torah... Your breath out is offensive too. Even when you suck in the stuff between your teeth it sounds offensive... Use a toothpick. (Devarim 17:20) 'So that his heart doesn't become haughty.' It's about values. Haughtiness does not go along with Torah values. Having a lot and Layning very slow do not go along with Torah values. Your breath out is a haughty heart.... Cause you expect stuff. You expect Chazins to not take 18 minutes for Haftorah... You're not making Challah... You're not breathing out for your health. It's like you expect something. Kings should not breath out either. The Layner made me want to do a breath out... And it shortens you days. Haughtiness and having too much stuff shortens your days. As does being the rabbi of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. When you have too much your days are shortened... Because you have to take care of the horses. Donations... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi just ended on 'donations.' A non sequitur. I think he's prepping for the Yizkur Appeal. Yom Kippur is where the rabbi shines. And he knows how good he does based on the money that they flip on the cards. He would judge the success based on the money that comes into the shul. But people pledge a lot more than they donate. The announcements always have spelling mistakes. 'Unsion.' I have no idea what that means. The shul Kaddish tune is off. It's a weird one. One guy made it up and he forces everybody to follow. Truth is, it's impossible to get the Kaddish sayers in unison in our shul. They all mourn their own way, and it is very loud. Who was the guest? That's a Chutzpah. You come into a shul and you learn the Kaddish cadence. Got to keep quiet and learn our shul tune, then join the Kaddish. It's a real damper on the mourning process when a random throws off the Kaddish. I don't know what it is. Everybody has their own beat. We need a metronome for our shul Kaddish. Truth is, I think the guest was the only one who was in tune and on beat. The rabbi did a step away during his sermon- a great move. It added a good amount of drama. Then he stepped back to the lectern and people stopped listening again. The congregants got the wrong idea. They thought that now they're kings. The rabbi should've never taught them lessons from kings. Now, they all park in the disabled parking spot. Michi breathes out all the time. He did a huge breath out when the guy took the coffee off the coffee maker too soon. It's either a breath out or straight up curse. I would rather the straight up curse. With some of the older members of the congregation, you have no idea what they're saying. Some curse people with blessing them. One woman always says, 'She should live and be well.' That's when she hates them. I learned that's a curse, as she said, 'Michi should live and be well.' I hope it's not Lashon Hara. Michi is a good guy. Just an angry guy. Davening is taking way too long. I almost had to do a breath out. 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This month we focused on puns solely by Rabbi Mendel.
Why did their pet follow Halacha? It was a Chukat. You get it? Kat. Cat. A Chok is a law. Chukat HaTorah means 'law of the Torah.' It was a cat that followed Halacha. For the pun to truly hit, it should be 'Chukkat.' We would’ve went with Chokat, but that isn’t correct Hebrew or the name of the Parsha. They counted the people to make census of it. You get it? Census. Sense. It makes sense to take a census. They took a census in the Parsha. Sometimes you have to use all five senses to make sense of a census. Tisha BAv is a sad day. That's why many people Daven early in mourning. You get it? Morning. Mourning. In the morning we do the Shacharit prayer. We left out the word 'the.' Correct grammar would kill the pun. If delivered by an Israeli, this pun sounds brilliant. Maybe try it with an Israeli accent. The day before Tisha BAv went very slow. It wasn't a fast day. You get it? Tisha BAv is a fast day, so it goes quickly. Fast meaning fast. Whereas the day before Tisha BAv is not a fast day, so it goes slow. You don't fast on slow days. He went to a speed dating event on Tu BAv. It went all night. Nobody slept. You get it? Speed is a drug. It also can cause insomnia. It can cause tremors. Don't do drugs. Some things are more important than jokes. Their pet took them to The Mountains and jumped from tree to tree. She wanted to show them the cat-skills. You get it? The Catskills. Cat skills. Pets do tricks there to show off their skills. Jews go to the Catskills in the summer. Most Jews don't have pets. It was visiting day. There are mountains in the Catskills. Just to be clear. They were jumping for joy when they heard it was time for gaga. You get it? Gaga is to be foolishly enthusiastic. They were playing gaga at camp. Lost the game, but they were overly excited. They went gaga for the game. The game was gaga. Two different gagas. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was at a friend's house and noticed that they had no books out. The house did not look Jewish. They had a gazebo. It looked a bit like a Sukkah without walls or Schach. Could've been Jewish, but it wasn't. You want your house to be Jewish, you need Sefarim (books). You need books that look Jewish.
They had a computer. They said the Torah is on it. I didn't see it. I saw an apple on it. No matter how much you use Sefaria, a computer does not look like a Sefer. They had some of those modern books about Jewish recipes. Those don't look like a Sefer. So, how should a Jewish book look? That is the question and we shall answer that for my friend. Dark Blue, Maroon or Brown All books should be brown. A maroonish brown that looks a bit dark blue in the sun. Grey is not a religious color. Your books should not be green. No fluorescent colors either, unless if you're crossing the street with them at night. Gold Trimming On The Cover Very important. Gold trimming looks religious. It encases the book in religion. I don't know how gold trimming became religious. Nonetheless, it's the most Frum thing in our religion next to using tinfoil. Feldheim might be behind this. Inside Should Look Old It should look like it was written eight hundred years ago, and been through every war the Jewish people have endured. It should look like it's been carried through battle. If it's new, you should've spilled coffee on it already. No English Just Hebrew books. You should not understand what you're reading. Good Jews have a penchant for reading stuff they don't understand, and that makes them feel good. It brings happiness and connects them with Gd. Aramaic is allowed, as it's written in Hebrew and you don't understand it. Same with Yiddish. Yiddish written in English, Asur. You can have English for Kiruv reasons. Kiruv is bringing Jews closer to Yiddishkeit. Now I have to translate Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is Judaism. For Kiruv reasons, you can also have a TV, a computer, and hit the dance clubs. No Pictures on The Cover Is this a Tom Clancy novel? No. It's Torah. If you have a kids' section to your library this is fine. For Kiruv reasons, you can have a book with pictures too. Non-educated Jews need pictures. If it's a story about a rebbe the book can be in English and you're allowed to have a picture on the cover. This is a Heter (exemption) the rebbes came up with. Nonetheless, all pictures in the book should be in black and white, and everybody should have a beard. Kippahs on All Pictures Kids' books should only have pictures of boys with Kippahs. We're educating the next generation here. If the child isn't Jewish, they should have a Kippah. All shopkeepers should have Kippahs as well. Even if you're not used to seeing Frum Jews work on cars, the mechanic has a yarmulke. Flight attendants have Kippahs. Factory staff has yarmulkes, even if it's not a Matzah factory. Your child should not be exposed to non-yarmulke people, even in written form. Books Numbered by Daily Readings As you've adopted a Kiruv section into your library, you have found a way to make it permissible to have English Sefarim. All English books should be written in day order. Frum Jews don't read in chapters or pages. We're not good with decisions. We read in day form. This is the reason for the new industry of day readers. It all started with Daf Yomi. Books shouldn't have readers trying to figure out how much to read. It gets very complicated trying to figure out how much you should accomplish in a day. Your Sefarim should give that information to you. It's Bitul Zman (wasting time) trying to figure out how much you should learn in an afternoon. You might end up reading a chapter, and then you're stuck having figuring out what to do tomorrow. It's a nightmare. One should never know of such things. It all leads to Bitul Zman. All Books Need Haskamas Also known as a letter of approbation. I used English here to make it harder to understand. And that is why this article is OK to read. Haskamas allow you to read the book. The less pages of authored work the better. You want at least fifty percent of the book to be permission to read the book. If it's a really good Jewish text, the whole work should be Haskamas. This is why I don't learn Torah. There are no Haskamas. If it's a kids' book, be sure to have it Haskamas with pictures and Kippahs. The real question is if you should read the part of the book that is not Haskamas. I have told my congregants that is Asur. If all you have is a computer, make sure it's a maroonish brown color. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Re'eh8/13/2023
Announcements
Davening wait between Mincha and Maariv will be 43 minutes. It's on the calendar. People have been asking us why it's on the calendar. That is not our concern. We can't answer that. It is on the calendar. Therefore it's the right time. To answer your questions: We don't know who put it on the calendar. We will also be celebrating the Simchawitz wedding a week early. Our scheduling team messed up the time on the calendar. Hence, the Simchawitzs are cancelling their hall reservation, and rescheduling. Phil shaved. It's him. He just has a double chin now. We are stopping the Shul Wordle. It's too complicated for our membership. The word was 'dues' and nobody got it. 'On-time' was the other word nobody could figure out. Class this week is on why you are going broke on summer camp. We will discuss canteens and how much you're willing to pay to not have to see your kids for the summer. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 12:12) 'And you shall be happy before H".' Happy. A commandment to be happy. To not spend time with the congregants of Beis Kneses Beis Emes uSefilah... I look to the front left and I get depressed. Your whole section exudes depression... (Devarim 12:14) 'Only in the place that H' chooses... there you will bring your elevation offerings and there you will do all that I command you.' Like not having random card nights in the chapel. How a bridge game happened there is beyond me. I walked in to see you playing bridge... Paper football is fine. You can play paper football in the chapel. Paper football is a Jewish game... Yes. That's in Jerusalem. You can't sacrifice in Topeka. That would be plane animal cruelty... We're doing a good job of not being happy here. I can tell you that I fulfill the Mitzvah every day. With the Finkelwitz Kiddish... There was no Babka. We can't be happy... When I come to Minyin and I have to listen to Shmuel leading, I'm not happy... Your voice is horrendous. We have to be happy. Yet. There are rules. Jerusalem is one... You can be happy in Topeka, just now with sacrifices or with our membership... With the congregants in the front left, you can't be happy. It's not a commandment to not be happy, You just can't bring sacrifices here... Sacrifices truly make you happy. Sacrifices could maybe put a smile on Avital's face... Meat makes us happy. Exactly. Why did you shave? You look like an idiot... I could've told you. You don't shave. There is stuff under there. You had no idea. Now, you smile and it looks weird. You smiling without your beard looks scary... I can tell you. Driving to shul is not keeping Gd's commandments. You have down the part of not being good Jews outside of Yerushalayim... I know it makes you happy. I'm not happy, because we are in Topeka. Not Jerusalem... Of course you have to do Mitzvot here. It just means nothing... You can be happy here. You're just no before H'... Not with the wait between MIncha and Maariv. Not with Baruch sitting in the front left. Who's the idiot that is making us wait forty-three minutes?... This is why we're not happy. This random calendar was put together fifty-six years ago, and now we have to stick to it... That is not tradition. That is a mistake. They based it on the solar calendar. It's not even a Jewish calendar. Yom Kippur does not fall out on September 25th every year... Yes. The Finkelwitzs are happy they got rid of their kid for the summer. And I am happy the shul Wordle is finally over. You can be happy. You just can't eat. (Devarim 12:18) 'You will eat before H' in the place H' chooses.... and you will be happy before H".' There are places to be happy. That is Jerusalem. Not here. Not with a forty-three minute Mincha Maariv. And Phil's double chin does not make anybody happy. Cover it up. You scared the kids... You can be happy here. It's just that you can't. Not with the front left. Can we be happy no in Jerusalem? Can we be happy in Topeka? With a congregation that doesn't even know how to play Wordle? Can you be happy in Jerusalem with our membership? No... The word was 'on-time.' If it was 'late' you would've gotten it. If it was 'drink alcohol before Musaf' you would've gotten it. If it was You can't be happy at camp, not in Jerusalem, when you're paying 12K for three weeks. Certain activities you do make you happy... Not seeing Phil without a beard makes me happy... Rivka’s Rundown The parents are truly not happy spending 12K a kid for camp. That's what makes it a Mitzvah. It's a way for them to feel the mourning of the Temple. They had a paper football tournament during Davening. Now you can't even concentrate for prayers in the chapel. Constant paper football playing going on. Since the rabbi's sermon, paper football is tantamount to learning Torah and living in Jerusalem. I had no idea it was Phil. He's a different man without the beard. The beard truly works for Phil. It's an excellent fat camouflage for him. The rabbi finally called somebody an idiot. I have been waiting for that for years. Messed up Davening times. They're fools. The 'on the calendar' thing is getting very annoying. They miswrote the wedding. The Simchawitz family had to pay eight thousand dollars for that faux-pa. 'It's on the calendar, so we do it.' That's the decision of the board. I am assuming that fifty years ago, the board members were just as dumb as they are now. The calendar got the date for Rosh Hashana wrong. The board almost decided to celebrater Rosh Hashana a week early. The shul Wordle game was a very frustrating project. That's all people were doing during the week. At least those discussions stopped me from having to hear about their children and their lawns. Everybody has been talking about their lawns this summer. And they all look disgusting. Unmowed. Trees not trimmed. Phil took more off his face than the Feinblooms took off their lawn. I couldn't believe nobody got 'on-time.' I can tell we didn't get a Minyin till 10:15am that day. The rabbi was waiting a very long time for people to show up. To make people happy, the rabbi decided we're going to have a weekly gaga game on Shabbis afternoons, before Shalishudis. Gaga makes people happy. I think it's the whacking the ball at other members of the shul that you can't stand. It brings a smile to your face. The rabbi said, 'We're not in Jerusalem, and we can't sacrifice animals. Even so, we can be happy if we hurt each other.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was asked this question: My child is asking for more money. We spent nine thousand dollars on camp and now they need more money. How did the Jewish summer camp canteens start? Is it Jewish tradition to take a lot of money from parents?
I will answer this by taking you on the journey of Jewish history and the development of the canteen. It is definitely Jewish tradition to put on weight. Is it tradition to spend nine thousand dollars on three weeks of camp? Let's delve into how it all began. The First Canteens Canteens started back in the seventh century. People used these bottles to hold water. They first tried using them for alcohol back in the 1300s, but they found that it was hard to sneak in full size canteens to bars. Thus, the introduction of flasks; also known as small canteens for people who don't have to go to work. Canteens Are for Drinking Circa 1982, Jews realized that nobody likes drinking water. Jews had not hiked for millennia, and this water was not quenching the necessary thirst of the suburban Jew. So, they started putting what they call bug juice into the canteens. People loved the new juice, as did cicadas. There Was an Issue In 1983, for some reason, though they were drinking out of canteens, the Jewish campers were more sluggish and heavier. The question of 'why' came up, but they couldn't figure out the issue. The campers complained, 'I can't carry this thing. It's too much.' They asked the camp rabbi and the rabbi said that it's hard work for children to carry canteens. To quote: 'Jewish children should not have to work so hard. And the bug juice should be cold. This stuff is room temperature. This is not right for our Jewish children. How can we expect our children to survive drinking lukewarm.' And they proposed the idea for camps to provide refrigerators. The ‘each child deserves a fridge’ campaign was too much, as they were too heavy to carry around on the hikes. How hikes made their way to Jewish summer camp is a very disturbing time in Jewish history, as is what is known as overnights. Two things that the Jewish community has fought against, along with anti-Semitism and thick crusted pizza. The camp directors said, 'This is crazy. Why should kids have to carry around canteens?! We'll make a canteen that kids can walk into.' And thus, they made canteens where you could walk into the bug juice. Kids complained about the walking. What Was in the Canteen At first, the kids walked into the canteen and saw bug juice. They drank it. One child, I believe her name was Sarah Rivkah, yelled, 'This is not quenching my thirst.' So, they gave her a sour stick and her thirst was quenched. Being that they could only find sour pops and Sunkist fruit gems, the kids were not happy. They were writing home, and their parents responded by sending them what is known as 'packages.' Packages are a box of stuff that campers get to remind them that they're not at camp. Packages were filled with Paskesz. Whatever Paskesz could make. And to this day, thirst is quenched with sour sticks and Jelly Bellys. Twizzlers also quenches the thirst of Jewish children at summer camp, as is seen by the letters of package request. Somehow Paskesz also makes Twizzlers. How Paskesz found a way to put their name on all candies in Seasons is another piece of Jewish history. And that is how we have the modern-day canteen. They Weren't Making Enough Money Off Parents The cost for one month of camp was at fifty-five hundred dollars. The camp directors were at a crossroads. 'What do we do? We are only charging twelve thousand dollars for a summer. Required tips are only at three thousand dollars. Parents should be spending more!' First, it was decided that the canteen should work as Paskesz dispensary. That pulled in some money. After years of discussion, one member of the camp directors' union went to a bar in shorts. He snuck in Paskesz sizzler sugar pebble paper (you can eat the candy and the paper- heavenly) and a banana sugar bottle (also used as a gateway candy). Thinking back to the tradition of why canteens were used for water in the first place, the head counselor suggested, 'Let's start tabs. It works in bars.' All of the sudden kids were buying more Paskesz. Tabs Got Bigger Kids get a tab. In the beginning, there was an issue. Parents knew about the tabs. They put limits on the amount a child could spend in the canteen. That's not fun. Any Jewish day school child can tell you that. And limits for an eight-year-old is not as profitable way to make money off of elementary schoolers. The Jewish National Fund knows this. So, the decision was made to give kids autonomy. Let them decide. And that is when the 'kids should decide for themselves' movement began in the year 2016, along with BDS. They stopped asking parents if it was OK and started sending bills to the parents. Tabs were limitless, Paskesz was happy, children were happy, and fruit bottles filled with candy sugar in the form of cocaine was abundant. And parents had to get summer jobs. To keep their children from child services, parents did not fight the idea of elementary school kids deciding how much candy they should have. And now parents get bills for eight thousand dollars of sour sticks and candy rings at the end of the summer. And the camps stopped giving ice cream for dessert. Those are sold at the canteen. You can put an ice cream sandwich on your tab. And now the camp charges parents for full board, and sells your child hamburgers and pizza at the canteen. CONCLUSION And that is how kids put on weight while playing sports all day. 'How did my kid put on weight at a sports camp?' They were playing tennis, basketball, football, soccer, hockey. They ran track at camp. And they went to the canteen. And that is how you went broke. And that is why parents only send their kids to summer camp for a month, which is three weeks now. And to this day, Jewish summer camps are the only place where an eight-year-old has autonomy as to a candy tab. And the camp still serves meals before charging your kid for pizza, fries, onion rings and Paskesz. And packages today consist of fans, air-conditioners and sofas, so that kids should not feel like they're in The Mountains for the summer. And when parents visit on visiting day, they carry with them a flask. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIV8/8/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.
The Temple is being destroyed and they're playing tug of war with the Menorah... Something is off with this scene. Are they just killing people?! Does Caeser with his red shawl notice? Even he's a bit surprised there, looking around at the barbaric people. 'I just told them to take over the Temple. I didn't tell them stab the guy lighting the Menorah.' Either that, or he's trying very hard to protect the shawl. (Painting: Francesco Hayez)
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ekev8/6/2023
Announcements
We are asking people to not exercise during Kiddish. Exercise showing at Kiddish is making families uncomfortable. Parents have stopped bringing their kids to shul, in fear that their child will have to see Ben in an ungodly position doing burpees. The enhanced Kiddish this week is sponsored by the shul. Nobody has given anything to the Kiddish. Just letting you know. Again, nobody has stepped up to support the food. Dues will be raised due to Kishka. Please wait till after Layning to drink alcohol. We understand it's hard to be in shul and listening to the Torah untoxicated. Your families are in shul and we see your children. We all have reasons to drink. Understood. And there's a Chazin. He'll bring you to drinking. Support local businesses. People are complaining the butcher raised his prices. It is a communal shop. We understand it is a business. But it is a community business. He needs your support. So, you have to buy from the butcher to go to heaven. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 8:11) 'Guard yourself, lest you forget H' your God, by not keeping His Mitzvot...' The back left of the shul... That's what happens when you don't guard yourself. You start drinking in the middle of services... You can't remember Gd when you're nursing a hangover with alcohol and sleeping during the sermon. I don't even know if Rick hears this... You definitely forgot to support the butcher. When I saw you at Kroger. In the meat section!!! You forget Gd when you don't do Mitzvot. When you go out and drink during Layning every Shabbis... You're sleeping. You definitely forget to stay up for Davening. You were snoring during the Kedusha. It's because you have it too good. You have too much money. You buy single malts. You become snobby. If you were a decent person, drinking Smirnoff and Farbrengening, you would be good Jews... A Farbrengen is where you drink for H'. (Devarim 8:12-14) 'Lest you eat and be satisfied, and build good houses... and your heart grows haughty, and you forget the Lord, your Gd, Who has brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage'... and flocks too. Yes. I am suggesting slavery... It's because you have money. If you were broke, you would believe in Gd more. I've never seen Mike with his Mercedes praying to Gd. Ruchel and her Porche, cruising... Never have I heard Uncle Moishy coming out of those vehicles. Their listening to the Dixie Chicks. You get an ego when you have a second-story on your house. I've seen you walking up the flight of stairs with pride... It's ego. You've forgotten Gd. You get an ego when you have sheep. You get an ego and you froget H'. You stop sponsoring Kiddish. You start to think that you don't have to buy from the butcher anymore... I know he charges a lot. You buy from him, you go broke, and you start praying to H' again... So, that you can afford meat. The problem is you enjoy the food too much. Try the Schwartzman Kugel. You eat their food for Shabbis lunch and you'll want to pray to H' for a decent dinner. You'll remember H'. I am suggesting slavery and starving a bit. Then you'll appreciate the Schwartzmans... Yes. That is being Jewish. Eight dollars a pound of chicken is a Mitzvah. The butcher is a person too... You have it good. You have a nice home. You can pay thirty dollars for a pound of lox. And the butcher has forgotten Gd... Layning is going on 'I need alcohol.' That is your response. You've forgotten H'. You're so focused on yourself. You're doing stretches in the middle of Musaf... Yes. It's awkward. I can't even go to Kiddish without seeing you in some kind of tumbling routine. Russian twists right near the Kichel?! Do you do Russian twists at the butcher?! That would keep customers out. If you weren't intoxicated, you would understand that Russian twisting is wrong in the middle of Layning, on the Bima... No. You don't need to stretch for an Aliyah. Rivka’s Rundown I suggested butcher memberships. If they pay dues, people won't feel bad when spending twelve dollars on a hot dog. After reading the announcements, I am not going to heaven. I don't have enough money for heaven. I am broke enough to believe in Gd, but too broke to go to heaven on a fifteen dollar piece of shnitzel. This is a catch twenty-two. By the way, there's a lot of sheep ego in our shul. What is about shul that makes people need to drink? Is it the Ner Tamid light over ark? Is it Shabbis? I heard the guy go over to his friend during the Chazaras Hashatz (the cantor's repetition of the Amidah prayer), 'I need alcohol right now.' He truly needed it. Couldn't wait till Musaf. He was in shul and needed a drink. The guy just got to shul. Being in shul caused an anxiety attack that he might have to go through a whole seven Aliyahs sober. Ben has gotten real involved in the gym life. Now he shows people his exercises. Forget about shul, It looks weird to see somebody exercising in public anywhere. Even in a park it looks weird. There are kids at the jungle gym and this guy is doing pull-ups and burpees. I asked him to show me. In my defense. I thought Russian twists were a baked good. The rabbi's lesson is beautiful. You go broke, you have it bad. That is how you believe in H'. And that is why half of the membership doesn't pay dues. What are these enhanced Kiddishes?! I'm getting bothered by the word 'enhanced.' It's a Kiddish. If there isn't brisket it's not being enhanced. Still can't stand the word. Call it a big Kiddish. That sounds normal. Now we have Enhanced Kiddishes and Festive Friday Night Dinners. I feel like anywhere I go in shul I might get hit by confetti. Now they're going to be planning a Jubilant Morning Prayer Service. I just want a nice relaxed service with a good Heimish dinner and a Kiddish that has choolante and Kugel. By the way, I am fine with people not sponsoring Kiddish. Dues are up to twenty-two hundred dollars (that's a literal catch twenty-two). I think that works towards a Kiddish. The rabbi should've never told the front left about the Fabrengens. Now they're coming in drunk for 'holy reasons.' Why they don't sit in the back still baffles me. People in our shul hide nothing. Be it cheaping out on a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, tailgating Musaf, or doing burpees on the Bima. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these. Change Your Number Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you. Change Your Address Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work. Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere. Change Your Last Name Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them. Lose Your Job People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account. Say You're Single That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness. Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out. Join Another Sect Chabad will still find you. Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money They will tell you that you still have to tithe. Go to Olam Haba My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation. They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues. I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you. The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money. Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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What did the people of Sedom learn? Gomorrah. You get it? Sedom and Gomorroah. Gemara is what we learn. Gomorrah was wicked with Shechem. They wouldn’t have been wicked if they learned Gemara. This pun doesn’t work in Hebrew, as it’s Amorah. Amorahs are rabbis who wrote the Gemara. A very confusing pun. Sometimes, you have to leave the people not understanding what the point of the pun is. If you don't ask, it's free. They wanted 24nis for a kilo of eggplant. I took it and didn't even have to pay. I've never been so happy shopping at the Shuk. I feel like I got a great deal… With this new shopping technique, I feel like I will save a lot of money.
Visiting the sick takes away 1/60th of their pain (Nedarim 39b). That’s how little it helps. The annoyance of you being there, they feel the 59/60th. They feel that a lot.
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8/31/2023
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