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They didn’t see the duck in the shul. They were orthodox, but not all orthodox people are observant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Observant means observing the Mitzvahs. Orthodox means following the Mitzvahs, observant. Not the fact that waterfowl is in your shul. He said his new house in Jerusalem is better than his home in America. He said, ‘In Israel, I have a Bayis.’ (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A house is a Bayit. Could be a Bayis if you're Ahskenazi. Bias. An Ashkenazi Hebrew pun. A bias for his Bayis in Israel. It might take time to get that pun. Try reading it again and stress 'Bayis.' Enunciate it for a good three seconds. They wanted social services, so they all talked during Davening. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Services are prayers. Social services are usually for care of people. Talking in shul is social too. It was a social service because they were talking during Davening. I purchased a Jewish papercut for the house. It was full of blood. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? I purchased papercut art. The guy who did the art had an actual paper cut. He was Jewish. I knew it was a real Jewish papercut. Because he cut himself. I felt good paying for the real thing. I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. (Mordechai) You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar. I was going to do Kaparot, but I chickened out. (Mordechai) You get it? Kaparot is the atonement ritual done before Yom Kippur. Done many times with a chicken. I chickened out. Meaning I didn’t do it. I chickened out to do it with a chicken. Two uses of the word chicken. The price of Sukkahs has gone through the Schach. (Mordechai) You get it? Schach is what we cover the Sukkah with. The roof of the Sukkah!Instead of going through the roof, it goes through the Schach on Sukkot. We all have homes, what we cover them with depends on how religious we are, and the weather. 'Gone through the roof' is the known saying. Thought you might want to know that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Ever since Chasidic tradition began in the 18th century, Jews have looked up to their rabbis. They've praised their rabbis. They've respected their rabbis. At least until Jews started Ashkenaz communities in the United States. Now tradition is to talk about the community rabbi and how much of a sinner he is.
For these jokes we're going to look to our tradition of respect for the rabbi, or rebbe. A Twenty Dollar Bill on Shabbis Money is important. Which is why all great miracles are about money. Nobody cared about the splitting of the sea, until they found some Egyptian gold floating on the water. You have to know words like Talmidim. Otherwise, the rabbi jokes don't have the right flavor. A Talmid is a student. Talmidim are students. Now we're ready for this joke. Joke: Two Talmidim are speaking of their rebbes' holiness. 'My rabbi is so great. So holy. We were walking on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. My rebbe said, "It will be there after Shabbis." Sure enough, when Shabbis was over, we went there and the twenty dollar bill was there. And my rebbe picked it up.' The other Talmid let him know, 'My rebbe is even holier. We were walking down the street on Shabbis and we saw a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road. My rebbe said, "No more Shabbis." And sure enough. There was no more Shabbis. And my rebbe picked up the twenty dollars.' You see. If we would've said students, you would've been asking if it was a joke. All rabbi jokes should start with, 'My rabbi is so great. So holy.' How Far Can a Rabbi See Rabbis are all knowing. Never argue with their Talmidim. Joke: A Talmid in Los Angeles tells his friend, 'My rabbi said the rebbe in New York passed away.' To which his friend said, 'But the newspaper in New York said he was still alive.' To which the Talmid said, 'It's not enough that my rabbi can see all the way to NY?!' The best Jewish jokes end with a question. If you're not confused is it really a joke?! The Rebbe Who Always Fasted These competitions for better rebbe are quite hard to win. Joke: The Talmid tells his friend, 'My rebbe is so great. So holy. My rebbe fasts every day. All day. Every day. That's how holy he is. He doesn't need to eat' In response, 'What do you mean? I saw him eating at the deli the other day. He had a pastrami on rye. Then a club sandwich. Then stuffed derma.' The Talmid explains, 'That's how modest my rebbe is. He's so modest, he doesn't want you to know he's fasting.' This isn't the same friend. This was a Talmid in New York. So, it's a different Talmid and a different friend. NonJews Should Also Know How Holy Rabbis Are Sometimes you have to argue with a nonJew. Just make sure it's not in the middle of a pogrom. Joke: The neighbor tells his friend, 'My priest knows more than your rabbi.' To which the Jew responds, 'That's because you tell him everything.' In Judaism we don't do confession. If there was confession, everybody would show up to the rabbi to complain. Conclusion A true rebbe can do no wrong. That's unless he tells his Talmidim they have to do Mitzvahs. My Abba told these jokes better than me. Epilogue We had a moment in our shul the other day where we were all able to see the holiness of our rabbi. It was Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which we eat together in shul). Our rabbi was learning at the middle of the table, as we were waiting to learn with him. He didn't look up to learn with us. In a moment of great affection, I was able to delight, 'In our shul, we watch our rabbi learn.' To which another congregant responded, 'Our rabbi is a Talmid Chuchum.' And we all walked away not learning anything. We didn't learn that Shalishudis, as we usually do. But we were able to take in how holy our rabbi is. It turned out our rabbi wasn't learning. He was looking up times for when we can end Shabbis. He wanted Shabbis over already. Our rabbi cares so much for his congregants, he will do anything to get them out of shul. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Shnurer has a skill. A marketable skill to ask for money with no shame. Now, they're even hitting me up with credit card machines in the middle of the Amidah. In the middle of asking Gd for sustenance, this guy is taking my money. He times it perfectly. And he's hitting me up with a credit card machine. Middle of Davening, I'm bowing so I can reach my credit card and make a purchase.
Getting me to pull out my credit card to pay for nothing, Shnurers are the greatest of Jewish businessmen. Let's take a journey back a few hundred years to see how Rothschild couldn't compete with the business acumen of these beggars. Rothschild Doesn't Do Business Like a Shnurer It's not just anti-Semites. Jews also view Rothschilds as wealthy. The difference is that we know all Jews are not Rothschilds. Many of the wealthy Jews we know don't give Tzedakah. The Joke: Shnurer says, 'If I was Rothschild, I'd be richer than Rothschild.' His friend asks, 'How?' The Shnurer says, 'I'd beg on the side.' How all Shnurers have friends, I don't know. They're very popular. Maybe it's because they're outside interacting with people. It's not a bad life. If we're talking about Rothschild. That's how you lead into another joke. You say something like, 'if we're already talking about this...' And your friend is saying, 'I didn't say anything. You're the one talking. I'm trying to get out of here.' Next Joke: If we're talking about Rothschild. Rothschild shows up to an inn in Plitskov and asks for eggs. The innkeeper tells him, 'Two eggs is three hundred rubles.' Rothschild asks, 'Are eggs that rare here in Plitskov?' The innkeeper says, 'No. But Rothschilds are.' You see how I led into the followup joke with, 'If we're talking about Rothschild'? It's all about technique. Tells Rothschild to Open a Bank Shnurers are just good businessmen. You saw the brilliance in the Rothschild joke. If you're an entrepreneur your should be learning from Shnurers. The Joke: Shnurer giving advice to Rothschild, ‘You should open a bank here in Plitskov.’ Rothschild responds, ‘Why? But there is no money here in Plitskov.' The Shnurer tells him, 'Because there is no bank.' ChaCha. The ChaCha emphasizes the joke is finished. It was used quite well in Coming to America to exentuate the joke. You use an old town like Plitskov and it sounds good. Also note, 'says' is a very important word when telling any joke or story. As these are Jewish jokes, we're not employing 'they says' as much as an average ninety year old American would in relating a story. Your average American delivery should consist of twelve or so 'and they says.' Conclusion If he would've listened to these Shnurers, Rothschild would've been rich. Antisemitism stems from Jewish jokes. If we would've used other names, like the Shwartzberg family for these jokes, nonJews would know most Jews that go to shul don't pay their dues and are not liked by the Jewish community. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Shnurer is the bedrock of the Jewish community. The beggar who has a right to your money. The Shnurer is there to remind you that you must give Tzedakah.
Tzedakah means charity. You probably don't know that. The one Hebrew word you don't know. Yet, the Shnurer reminds you. At shul, at your office, at your home, they are there to remind you. They will find you. And they will find a way to get your money. In the middle of Davening, they will find a way to get your money. While you're deep in meditation, they will find a way. They will stand right there, shaking handful of change and a credit card machine. It may be offsetting to see these people begging, who definitely have more money than you. Yet, it is our obligation to give them money. It's their living. Enough about the Shnurer. Here are a couple of Shnurer jokes we stole, to talk more about the Shnurer. The Guys Working Together You put an American in the mix. Americans don't understand Chutzpah. You throw them into Israel or any society where people interact, and you have a joke. My father A"H used to tell this joke. He told it better than me. Maybe you can punctuate it better the punchline I can. The Joke: An American is walking in the Old City of Jerusalem and one guy asks him very nicely for some Tzedakah. He gives him a bit. As the American keeps walking, another guy starts to hound him for money. He starts yelling at him, 'You heretic. Walking in your new sneakers. Probably not willing to give any charity. You should be ashamed of yourself. Only giving pettiness... You call that, what you gave, Tzedakah. Shame on you!!!' The American gives the guy a shekel and goes back to the first guy and gives him a twenty dollar bill. The American goes back to the guy who was yelling at him and says, 'You should be more like that guy. That's how you get Tzedakah.' The yelling Shnurer turns to the first Shnurer, 'Shloimy. Look who's telling us how to run our business.' So many Shnurers. They all have the same name. Always called Shnurer. Except Shloimy. The Shnurer in America I heard this one in shul. Anything told to you that disrupts the cantor's repetition of the Amidah is good. At least you're not paying attention to the prayer, and you're disturbing services. It makes a Jewish joke more enjoyable. The Joke: A Shnurer visiting America is knocking on doors, going to shuls, showing up by people's hospital beds. He's doing anything to get money. He sees this man, Schwartz, and gives him the whole shpiel: 'I'm raising money for my family. A single dad of fifteen kids. How poor we are. We're trying to make it in Israel. My wife died. It is just me, raising eight children. We have nothing. We Live in rubble. My child is missing a leg. Oh Jerusalem. How I mourn my poverty.' Feeling bad, Schwartz gives the Shnurer two thousand dollars. A few months later, Schwartz is in Jerusalem. Walking around the Old City he sees the Shnurer. He follows him to his house. He looks through the window and sees children running around in a beautiful home, laughing. A huge Shabbat table with guests. A chandelier fit for a Jew in Boro Park. A view of the Kotel. The wealth is abundant. He knocks on the door and the Shnurer invites Schwartz in. In a state of shock Schwartz asks the Shnurer, 'What is all of this about?! You have so much Bracha. You lied to me.' The Shnurer turns to him, 'What? It should bother you my wife is alive.' Jerusalem really adds a sense of holiness to a Jewish joke. Also, add in a Yiddish word like 'shpiel' and it's a more Jewish joke. Why the Shnurer answered the door, that part makes no sense. Any Shnurer should know you don't answer the door, or somebody will ask for something. Alternative Ending: Shnurer asks Schwartz if he needs any money. Conclusion We need the Shnurers. Otherwise, you would give money without feeling guilty. And you would only give to poor people. Without the Shnurer, you would be able to go to shul and focus on prayers. Or jokes. Always tell jokes in the middle of Davening. It's funnier when it disturbs people's Kavanah. It's always good to add Schwartz as a name in a Jewish joke. It sounds more antisemitic that way. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXI4/23/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.
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Growing up in a Jewish community, and now being the rabbi of a community, I have studied the art of how the Jewish joke is told, while being forced to listen to them. And we all know, it's about the delivery. So, here is how you deliver a Jewish joke with style.
Must Have a European Accent That means talking like a New Yorker. To deliver a Jewish joke correctly, talk like somebody who immigrated from Europe a hundred years ago, or a New Yorker. It's all the same. They both sound foreign to anybody in the Midwest. When delivering as a New Yorker always pronounce an 'a' when pronouncing an 'r'. The caveat, that is unless the 'r' is in the beginning of a word. And anytime you have an 'i', stress the letter and add an 'u' to it. Also add 'oy' to words with a 'y', so that you can complain more while talking. And then add vowels wherever possible. Any joke delivered in this way is now Jewish. 'Whoy did the chicken crawss the road? To get to the otha suiide.' Now, it's a Jewish joke. Start Each Joke With 'You Know the One About...' This lets them know that you're not talking about yourself, and you're not the one who moved to the Lower East Side in the 1930s to see Ms. Nafkowitz. You can also use, 'Have you heard the one about...' 'About' must be in there. The 'I saw' or 'This guy I know' joke methods are not Jewish. 'About' must be there. The 'you know the one about' method also give the other person the chance to say, 'I know that joke,' so that you can continue to tell the joke yourself. Grab the Person Make sure to grab your friend's arm. You start with a touch and then you grab. If you don't grab their arm, they may not stay for the whole joke. I learned this method by watching Mervin at Kiddish. He was the only one who could get people to hear him finish his jokes. Other people who did not use the grabbing technique lost their subjects mid-joke. You want to cup their elbow. You don't want them to be able to escape. Pull them into you if possible. Squeezing tight helps if there is a long setup. The tighter you squeeze, the easier it is to hold their attention. Literally. You want to think of the arm touch and grab as holding their attention till you get to the punchline. Now people stay away from Mervin, in fear that they will suffer physical harm from his humor. Nonetheless, violence can help with delivery. Laugh at The Joke Yourself You can't depend on anybody else to laugh at your joke. All joke delivery should end with you laughing. This way people can see you enjoying it. Somebody should enjoy your jokes about mother-in-laws. Note: Mother-in-law jokes should not be told in front of mother-in-laws. That can make for an awkward conversation at Kiddish. Stare at the Person Until They Laugh After the joke stare. Fix your eyes on them. It will trigger a response. Hopefully they realize you just told them a joke and are expecting a laugh. Every Statement Should Be in Question Form Your joke should start with a question and end with a question. This way, the listener will not know if you're done. 'Why do Jews answer questions with questions?' 'Why shouldn't we?' That tone of 'why shouldn't we?' is how you must end every joke. Every punchline should sound like that, with a New York accent. Hence, making it a Jewish joke. Shrug your shoulders while supinating your hands for correct delivery posture. A bit of a forward head tilt, with widened eyes and closed lips, helps with the question form pose. While supinating your hand, do not loosen your grip on their elbow. Even if it hurts the delivery, you don't want to take a chance with them walking towards a conversation they want to have. To help the audience, add a 'nu' at the end of the joke. That works like a George Burns cigar, ending the joke for them. Allowing them to know they're supposed to laugh. If you don't add a 'nu' they won't know to laugh. Never depend on the material or your stare. You must have a 'nu' or squeeze their arm tighter. That's how a Jew tells a joke. That's tradition. And if you can, corner the subject, so they can't slip out of the joke hold and get away in the middle of the joke. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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'My son, the doctor.' The most quoted saying of any proud Jewish mother with Nachis. Let's do a few of those jokes.
Before we get going, I want to praise the medical field. Doctors are amazing. Some of them can even add ten years to your life, just waiting in the reception room. We stole that one from other people who stole that joke too. To note: Nachis means your son is a doctor. The One About President Every joke is about something. That's how you reference jokes. You say, 'The one about.' If you somebody ever asks you, 'Did you hear the one about?' Run. Get out of there as quick as possible. They're about to tell you a joke, and they will probably grab your arm to make sure you listen to them tell you the whole thing. Even if you heard it before. So, this is the one about the president. The Joke: About to be honored in the inaugural ball he calls his mom. 'Mom. I want you to come.' His mother is trying to get out of it, asking 'why, what's the big deal about this president thing. I don't know know from such...' He tells her, 'I just became president of the USA. I am the leader of the free people. I want you to be at the dinner. And make sure you look good.' Finally, after his mom argues with him about what a free people is, she agrees. The next day, she's at the beauty salon. She shows up all decked out in an evening gown. The stylist notes how beautiful she looks and that she hasn't been there for years. He then asks, 'Why are you here?' The mother answers, 'You know my son the doctor?!His brother is getting honored.' Three Women Praising Their Children Jewish mothers praise their children. If your friend's child sounds better than yours, you've failed as a Jewish parent. It has nothing to do with what your child has done. We know they're a failure. At home, they've failed you. You would never trust your child to put together a bookcase. You're a Jewish mother. However, when it comes to your friends, your child is the best builder around. At home, you yell at him that he should call somebody to step on the ladder. With your friends, 'He's the best ladder stepper. He was also the greatest at on the balance beam as a third grader.' Years have been spent at Kiddishes with Jewish mothers letting their friends know how great their children are. I have even heard mothers praise their Jewish children as the best athletes. Athletes that will one day choose medical school over the NBA. Why? It's better money. The Joke: These women are sitting at the pool in Florida and talking of their children. 'My son. You know what he does for his motha? He flies me in to see him every year for my birthday. What a boy.' The next one says. 'My son is even better. For my birthday, he comes down to Florida. He flies in all of my friends. He puts together a party. You wouldn't know of such things.' The other friend joins in, 'My son is the best. Better than them all. He goes to a psychiatrist three times a week. Each time he spends five hundred dollars. And you know what he talks about? Me.' Appendix to joke: She then goes on to add, Schepping Nachis, 'His mother. He talks about his mother the whole time.' The Daughter Who Got Divorced Three women are talking. It's the same three. That's what they they do. They sit by the condo pool and talk. It's the same three Jewish women in every joke. They start asking their friend Fran about her daughter. The Joke: Talking of Fran's daughter, Ethel asks, 'You mean the one who married the docta?' Ethel is from New York and doesn't know that doctor ends with an 'r'. Fran breaks it to them, 'They broke off that wedding.' The next friend adds, 'You mean, the one who's with the lawyer.' Fran notes, 'That also didn't work out.' Another one of the friends sitting on the side hears the conversation and joins in, 'Isn't that the girl that was with the real estate develapa?' She was also from New York. Fran looks at her and says, 'Ahh. That didn't work out either.' Ethel is amazed, 'Wow. From one daughter, so much Nachis?!' Conclusion If you're not a doctor, your parents don't love you. Nowadays, a good Jewish mother wants her kid to work in computers. 'My son! The computer technician!' It doesn't have the same ring as 'my son the doctor.' It's hard to fully garner the same Nachis from the computer guy. 'My son. The computer guy. What a boy. He saves hard drives.' The 'my son the computer engineer' genre of jokes has not made its way into the Jewish joke lexicon. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How these work, I don’t know. I appreciate all the healthy cookies and chips... I put on a few pounds eating a lot of healthy. It seems that too many healthy peanut butter cups will also get you fat. False advertisement.
![]() David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
It’s tradition to eat more fruit on Tu BShvat, to praise Gd for his creation and to walk around with an upset stomach.
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