Culture is thine people. Since the Babylonians, the Greeks and thine Romans got involved we have been dispersed around the world. We have found ourselves in Israel, and in different countries, where our people have learned to make decent brisket. It is now that our people, oh the dispersed, have come home, and thus we speaketh of the immigrant. Oh. How thine people reimmigrantasize.

They speak Hebrew in the Holy Land. Need I say more? They also speak Russian, French, English, Yiddish, Mandarin. It really depends on where you’re from. They also speak Hebrew.
Oh. How I love thee and thine languages that are not Hebrew. Thy citizeneth who identify as Israelis who don't speak Hebrew.
Oh. Thine American who doesen'tith abandoneth their English. Keepeth strong in thine will notith speaking Hebrew.

There’s an Israeli law that every third song on the radio has to be Israeli, in order to interrupt the good songs with songs that speak to the Neshama. Thine soul.
Oh. Thine Israeli radio. Thy doesn'th have English songs playing all day, as thusith would maketh Israel feel too much like Russia.
Oh. How I love thine music that is not English. You giveth songs that toucheth the soul, that I don'teth understand.

Thanks to the strong religious influence, we have Chasidic songs on the radio. Each Chasidic song has the lyrics of “yay nay nay.” so that everybody can sing along.
Oh. Thine religious songs playeth during the week. How I misseth Shabbat on Tuesdays, until I hear thine radio with Shwekey topping thine charts.
Oh. How I love thee and thine religious songs and the chance thou allowest me to singeth along, in confidence I understand wateth happeneth. It is these words that I know, remindeth me I do understandeth Hebrew. Yay Nay Nay Nay.

We have Israeli food such as falafel, shwarma and pizza. Which Israel created.
Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Borscht and thine Schav. Gold's, thine our a brand. A brand and a family. Oh. How thine kibe. Thine croussants thou takes credit for. Some pizza ist created in Italy, as we give our Italinia reimmigrantized credit for pizza too. Though, thou knowest pizza is Israeli. Oh. Chinese food. Thou hast notith moved to Israel, but ure people have brought thine foodeth from thine Diaspora. Chinese Foodeth that iseth Israeli.

Sports is everywhere. We even have athletes that came from America so we can compete in thine EuroLeague.
Oh. How I love thee. Oh. Thine Israeli athletes that did not make the NBA.

To Israeli immigrants everywhere. Thank you for opening up falafel shops.
Oh. Thine Diaspora, where thine Israelis who never cooked openeth restaurants of Israeli cuisine. Where a salad of cut vegetables is called Israeli.
Oh. How thy introduced the world to the untucked shirt.
Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from Israelis, to liveth with Israelis.
Oh. Thine Diaspora. Where Israelis move to geteth away from immigrants.

***The adding of the "eth" to the end of the word makes it biblical. And thuseth more meaningfuleth. Poetic.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about Jews dancing in love of Gd, Sefardim learning from the Ari Z"L, and cleaning the floor for Pesach with a feather, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for expressing his hardship with purchasing eggs, while destroying the egg carton.

Announcements
We ask the men stop following the Torah with their eyes when we're walking around with the Torah. It's wrong to use the Torah for ulterior motives, such as checking out women. And it’s creepy Pinny. We understand you’re single, but it’s creepy.
 
Song clappers are not better than anybody else. We ask that our members clap at a normal level of clap. We don’t need clapping showoffs in our shul. Clapping and jumping! We notice you. Baalei Gayva.
 
We’re taking sermon donations. This week’s sermon is sponsored in honor of Mrs. Finkelwitz’s 90th birthday. The family wants everybody to know she’s suffered through sermons for 90 years.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Check Out Women Properly, at Kiddish. How to Be Noticed at Shul by Starting a Dance. How to Take Donations for Everything with Our Shul Board.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 26:9) "Fold the sixth sheet over the front of the tent.” So that it looks good. The shul’s curtain hasn’t been cleaned in years... Steam it. At least get out the folds. It’s not a non-iron curtain. The ark is a crease-iron curtain... They didn’t have non-iron curtains in the Tabernacle. The Mishkan had quality curtains...

(Shemot 26:11) “...joining the tent together so that it becomes one.” Unlike our shul when it sings Adon Olam. It sounds like a hundred different songs, joining together into a hundred different unique songs of non-unison. Which sounds like people not singing along... I like the rhyming structure of the sermon as well, Sadie. Thank you.
The sheets... Curtains Bernie. Yes. They’re bigger than sheets. It wasn’t bedding. The curtains join and become one. That is how the building is made for service of Gd... It’s not made with community quilts.

You connect them right. You have the right holes and connections. You don’t have a board messing it up, with a president who has never hung anything in his life. You fold it nicely, unlike Pinny who’s never helped fold sheets in his house. He’s probably the reason for the messed up community quilt. All creased... And then, without the board, “It will be one"... The board would've ruined the Mishkan.

And there are other coverings to make it look nice. Point is that you make the House of Gd look nice... A better paint job than stucco.
We join as one, as the Mishkan, to make it beautiful...

Joining as one does not mean singing "Etz Chaim Hi" so you can check out the women... It’s a Torah. It should not be used to check out the ladies in the front row. They’re kissing the Torah. It doesn’t mean they’re going to kiss you... Shloimi, get your head out of the Chumash.

Becoming "one" means everybody together. It doesn't mean standing out with unified claps.
The clappers are Baalei Gayva. Showing off... And they do the clap with that jump dance... You're doing it to be noticed. Nobody claps and jumps with the airplane dance in the middle of the Torah service to be discreet. I want to see any of you do that to not be noticed...
Simcha is the only one who should be clapping. Simcha’s clap is inspired...

Mazel Tov Mrs. Finkelwitz. You bring community together, just like my Drashas. My sermons bring community together. Your donation for the sermon will be used to bring the community together with better congregants...

Rivka's Rundown
The main takeaway from the sermon is that our shul's board would've ruined the Mishkan. It’s good our congregants didn’t help make the Tabernacle. If it was anything like the BBQ last week, in the snow, which didn’t get started, nothing would’ve come together.
Pinny has definitely never folded anything in his life. If he had to iron anything, he would burn it.

I always wondered why the guys all stood up and looked at the Chazin carrying the Torah back to the ark. It’s because they were walking near the women’s section and the guys were checking us out for Shidduchim. Some of the disgusting guys were hoping for more divorces.
And they all sound inspired with Etz Chaim Hi. They’re just excited to think they might have a chance with Ruchel.

This is why Pinny always shows off. He thinks he has a chance with Ruchel, so he starts clapping. The clappers have a lot of gall, always looking around when they're clapping. And there isn’t even a Torah to pretend they're not checking out everybody. The Torah's put back, it's the Kedusha in Musaf and they're bouncing and clapping, checking to see if Ruchel notices the loudness of their clap.
I love how the clappers pretend like they're trying to be humble. And then they close their eyes. I've never seen somebody close their eyes so loudly.

The singing in our shul is truly not in unison. I don't think anybody could argue that, especially once Pinny started his clapping to an applause beat during "Adon Olam."

The shul is now taking sermon donations???!!! They take donations for Shalishudis, for Kiddish. No shame. Everything is a donation. The even auctioned off wings at the BBQ. I’m sure they’re going to start taking donations for Shacharit, sponsoring praying to Gd.
Upon seeing Pinny clapping, they started taking donations for following the Torah with your eyes. The shul board said it was for a good cause. The following week, no single women showed to shul.
The rabbi just said the donation for the sermon will be used to get better congregants. How? No idea. But the shul is making money off it. I think the rabbi truly wanted to say he doesn't like the membership. That was the message of the sermon.

After the Super Bowl and Kanye West, it seems that the public has again accepted anti-Semitic rhetoric as fine. I spoke with a Jewish local rap artist, Shloimi Yankel, to find out what he thinks about these rap artists who seem to be anti-Semitic. It turned into a discussion about how you have to accept how people identify. It turned into a modern discussion of what a Jew is.

What do you think about pulling out a Palestinian flag in the middle of the rap show at the Super Bowl?
I didn't know Kendrick Lamar was Palestinian. Does he identify as Palestinian?

Maybe.
Then he is.

I think it was one of the dancers that pulled it out. Even if he’s not from Palestine, he’s a Palestinian?
Yes. You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify.

Thank you. That is profound. I thought you needed something of relevance to identify.
So, if somebody says they're Jewish, they're Jewish.
If they identify that way, then they are.

What do you think about the idea of conversion?
It's wrong. Somebody says they want to be Jewish. They're Jewish. They get an Aliyah to the Torah. They are part of the covenant of Avraham.

So conversion is not necessary.
Only if somebody wants to identify as a convert.

So, is Kendrick Lamar a rapper.
If he identifies as one.

I don’t know what he’s singing. I don’t think it rhymes enough for it to be rap.
That’s wrong of you.
 
To have an opinion.
Yes. Opinions are wrong.
 
Let’s say I identify as somebody with an opinion?
Then it’s right.

What about Stevie Wonder?
If he identifies as a rapper, he's a rapper. If he identifies as somebody with opinions, he can have opinions.

And James Taylor.
Definitely a rap artist. That's how he identifies.

So, is Kanye West an anti-Semite.
I have to ask him. If he identifies as an anti-Semite, he's an anti-Semite.

I see you're quite progressive.
I identify as progressive. I even get my insurance from them.

This interview was going nowhere. And I was identifying as somebody who wanted to hurt this Jewish rap artist. So far, it turned out Shloimi Yankel actually thinks nothing. But I had to continue the interview to see if he did have a real thought to share.

What do you think about Kanye West?
He's Jewish.

No. He's not.
He says he is.

How does that make him Jewish.
He said he's Jewish. He's Jewish.

He said he's a Nazi.
He's a Jewish Nazi. He's an artistic Jewish Nazi who hates Jews. And that's fine. You can identify and hate yourself.

Have you dealt with antisemitism while singing?
Yes. Many people don't like my songs.

How is that anti-Semitic?
My Music is Jewish.

But you sing about love and your girlfriend.
Love is Jewish. Shir Hashirim? I take those lessons to heart.

Back to antisemitism.
Anytime I perform and people don't give me a standing ovation, I chalk it up to antisemitism. I perform for a lot of anti-Semites.

Nobody stood to applaud at your show for the shul last month.
Anit-Semites.

But the congregants don’t identify as anti-Semites.
But they are. They didn’t clap.
I once spoke with the rabbi. He said he deals with the board, and they are anti-Semites.
 
So, there is a loophole. If people don’t identify as anti-Semites and don’t like your music, they’re anti-Semites.
Exactly.

How much antisemitism is there in the songwriter community?
Just listen to the lyrics. “Backstreet’s back alright.” That means the Backstreet Boys are back at hating Jews.

So. In conclusion. Is rap anti-Semitic?
If it identifies that way.

Let's say the rapper holds up a Palestinian flag that says "From the river to the sea." Is that anti-Semitic?
If the rapper says it's anti-Semitic, then I accept how he identifies with that flag.

I don't think we're getting anywhere.
If that is how you feel. If you identify this meeting that way.
 
Final statement.
It's not right for us to judge Kanye as an anti-Semite, if he identifies that way. We should not judge him as an anti-Semite, the same way we expect for him to not judge us as Jews. Kanye West is a Jewish Nazi and that is fine.
 
So. What is Judaism?
However one defines it.
 
So, Judaism doesn’t exist.
According to Kanye and that guy running around with the flag at the Super Bowl.
 
So, they may not even hate Jews. Kanye might just hate his agents.
Exactly. He’s an anti-agent-semite.

Conclusion
It turns out that nowadays being Jewish means nothing unless if people want to kill you.
How this turned into a discussion of people identifying as anti-Semites, and that somehow being a heritage, I don’t know. I do know that people hate Jews because of this rapper. At least they don’t give him standing ovations.
After this interview, I made a point of never interviewing anybody under forty years of age again. I felt like I was interviewing Kanye West.
It's amazing how after all the events our people have been through over the last year and a half, that this Jewish kid still can't figure out identity.
“You don’t need ancestry or connection to identify.” That statement said it all. I am confused. I am confused and I wonder if there is any relevance of communication when anybody can say what they are, claim it, and hate Jews and want to kill Jews, who somehow don’t even exist.
It was comforting to know that our rapper friend Shloimi Yankel still had a strong enough Jewish identity to note, like any good Jew, that when something does not work in his favor, it’s because of anti-Semites. Though, he did say to call him The Artist Formerly Known as Shloimi Yankel.

The true story of why I became a Baal Teshuva, a repentant. Here is how it all began. Money. That's it. Lost the money.
Gambling is an issue. And I have it. I had it. I caught it. I got it. Every day, I fight it. I am broke. I'm good person and I am broke.
It's hard for me to open up about this. Thus, I'll need to go into a lot of detail. Which means I messed up. Anytime somebody goes into detail, they messed up. Stories where they make no mistakes are real quick. You've got to keep it quick, to stop before the messed-up part. Any story that lasts more than two pages, you see messed up. My whole story is messed up. So, I will share it in a long series of pieces.
I don't know if gambling is Asur, forbidden. I do know that stealing in order to gamble is Asur. Murder in order to gamble is Asur. Stoning people in order to gamble is also forbidden.

Before going into this, you should know there are so many good Jews that have been affected by this disease of addiction. You may not see them at shul, because they can't pay dues. They're also broke. Dues and then you get called up to the Torah and you think that's it. You finish with the Torah Brachas and they give you an envelope with the shul address on it. And in the envelope there's no free play.

How It Stated
I wasn't religious, which meant I had a lot of free time to ruin my life.
I was bored. I'm not going to lie. Living in Oshawa, Ontario, boredom is an activity. Which is why many people from Oshawa end up learning Torah. The lack of other stuff to do.
Other activities in Oshawa consist of sitting in your house during the winter and trying to keep warm while freezing. Hence, people in Oshawa love casinos and survival shows.

I was going through hard times, so I went to the casino. The casino is where you go when times are hard, so you can see other people going through hard times that aren't drunk. At the casino, people share their problems coherently.
I just got dumped by the love of my life, Shaindel Chana. The way she made Kugel, with the spinach inside. And then her Tzimis, how is one not to fall in love.
I can tell you, dumping me was Asur. I told her that the rabbis would forbid her from dumping me. That was the first religious Jewish decision I ever made on someone else's behalf. I think that helped my future decision to become a rabbi.

I found myself at the casino. I was hurt. I needed to escape, and I figured the best way to do that is to lose all my money.
When you're in Oshawa and the most exciting thing you can do is bowling with a ball too small to bowl with, escaping the hurt is hard. Bowling with a softball is not optimal for getting out hurt. And I got kicked out for throwing the ball overhand. Thinking it was a softball, I threw it at somebody. That helped ease my hurt a bit.

My Problems Were Gone at the Casino
I lost all my money. That took around eight minutes.
Once I lost all my money, I stopped thinking about my other problems. I was broke. 
Once you lose five-thousand-dollars that first week, you're not thinking about the love of your life anymore. You're thinking how you will be able to afford a date.

All I had to do was lose all of my money, and all issues in my life were gone. I was spending two-hundred dollars on therapy sessions, and I still had hurt and pain. I would come out of therapy thinking how Shaindel Chana broke my heart. If they would've charged two-thousand a session, I would've forgotten about Shaindel Chana, and I wouldn't have money to gamble. Some therapists don't know how to help.

It's A Mitzvah
I figured, it's a Mitzvah to visit the elderly, so I went to the casino. I thought I was showing respect to my elders by going to the casino. It's a Mitzvah to show respect to your elders. I figured I was running into more seniors at the casino than at the nursing home I was visiting.
So, I decided I should spend more time at the casino. And I stopped going to the nursing home.

I was losing money, so I kept on playing. And that is how gambling got me. A good young man. A kind young man who cares for his elders. A young man who loves other people. A young man who is now broke.

Lessons from the Beginning
I will do anything to justify my gambling addiction and why it's a good idea. I even found a way to turn losing all of my savings into something positive. I found a way to stop visiting the nursing home, so that I could do acts of loving kindness for our elders. I found a way to turn turn losing all my money into therapy. And it's all Shaindel Chana's fault.
Gambling makes me weak. I don't know if going to the casino is forbidden. I do know that dumping me is.
I also know that once I start doing something I will find a way to justify how it helps people. I gave up drinking. But I should note that drinking alcohol helps me be more friendly. I never once drank for myself. I drank to bring joy to others. I'm a giver.

Losing money turned into my therapy. And then I had more problems. Hurt and escape is how it starts. Then starts what they call "chasing your losses," or what I call "losing everything you ever had and your family."
I have no idea if gambling was fun or something I had to do. It was definitely my obsession. At that time, I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. Not even Shaindel Chana's Lokshen Spinach Kugel.

Wait. I also lost my grandma who was living in our house. A woman I looked up to and was very close with. I forgot about that. That was real pain. She made a better Lokshen Kugel than Shaindel Chana.
It was even more painful to see how everybody dealt with her once she got sick. I was bothered by how shallow people could be, especially about money. Once she had dementia and couldn't change her will, family stopped visiting. That definitely had a lot to do with why I was numb to losing all that cash. I stuck around, and was there for grandma. I did whatever I could to get the inheritance.

And all of my other issues were gone. I didn't have enough money to worry about anything else. And that helped for a while. Until I realized I had no money. That took a few hours.
Now I was thinking, "I need another job."

I want everybody to know that no matter how much an addiction takes hold of you, you're worth it. You need to hear this. Your life is worth it. Probably not very much right now. You lost your money. But it’s worth it. Keep strong.
You may not get the inheritance. I got nothing. Which has people asking why I spent time with grandma. To quote, "Was it worth the gamble?!"
If I went into detail into that story, it would continue, "It's all about money."

​Not a rebbe of Torah, but Itzhak Perlman is a rebbe of violin. We learn lessons from Itzhak Perlman's violin playing. It's like learning Torah, without Torah. You get to create the moral Torah lesson, even if it's not Torah. Kind of like a sermon.

This is about the famous show where Itzhak Perlman had a string pop on him in the middle of a performance. He should've fired the string guy. He didn't. That's the first lesson I learned from the story. Don't hold your staff accountable, and they will stick around.
People have asked me, 'Was he doing staccato?' 'Was he smacking the thing with the horse hair bow?' 'Was he angry at the conductor, and did he try hit him with the instrument?" All I know is a string popped. That's the story. That's what he's known for. I heard he is good at violin too. But he's known for the string.

Side Note that Adds to the Story: To see Itzhak Perlman walk on stage is a spectacle. He was stricken with polio as a child and walks on stage with leg braces and crutches. Seeing him walk across the stage with calculated steps is a sight. Some people go to his show just to see that. In the lobby, you can hear them, 'Paid two-hundred dollars. What a walk?! Amazing.'
That night, nobody cared about overcoming polio, and becoming one of the greatest violinists the world has seen. There was a broken string. Broken strings are a true sight. When they pop. Wow. That's inspiration.

The string popped. I don't know which string it was. I am guessing it was the E. You say hello to that string and it pops.
He didn't leave the stage and nobody brought him another string. At that point, he should've fired the whole crew. They all saw it, and just stood there. 
After a brief moment, he continued playing. He realized nobody was going to help him. They all saw him walking on stage, and yet, nobody did anything. After noticing that nobody was going to help, and it was going to take a good half hour to get off the stage, to fix his violin, he said, 'The hell with it. I'm going to just continue the thing.' He knew it wasn't time for the intermission yet, and if he got off the stage the audience would complain and Kvetch the whole night. So, he went on.
The orchestra did nothing. They just stood there and stared at him. They were all trying to figure out if he would go all the way back off the stage. As one of the viola players said, 'We waited a sonata for him to get to his seat. Is he going to make us wait again?!' Viola players are very snobby. They think they're better, because they have bigger instruments. To quote, 'My violin is bigger, and thus I am better.' As the viola players took bets, Itzhak Perlman kept on playing.
All were amazed. His mother wasn't impressed. She was noted as saying, 'He still has to practice. He still doesn't know how to tune the thing right.'

It was to everyone’s amazement that Itzhak Perlman kept playing that violin, when a concerto cannot be played with only three strings. And all who were at that show were amazed, and wanted their money back.
The fact that Itzhak Perlman didn't know that a concerto needs four strings was very bothersome. One columnist let it be known, 'He's a professional. He should know that a concerto needs four strings.'
As the complaints came in, it turned out that many felt like they got ripped off, not being able to see Itzhak Perlman with a full violin. To quote, 'That was the most amazing show I've ever seen. It will be talked about for generations. Sermons will be given for generations about this inspirational performance. Great to be there. We loved it. We will never see a show this great again. Priceless. We want our money back. We paid for a four string violin performance.'

Back to what happened on the stage.
Itzhak Perlman continued that concert, thinking nobody would ask for money back. He played with more passion than ever. That's what anger can do. Nobody coming out and helping him, he was mad. A bunch of yutzes.
It was a show put on from the soul. He had to recompose the piece in his head, to make it all fit into three strings. Ever tried doing bar chords on a guitar? This was harder. He even had to retune strings in the middle, to make new sounds. The orchestra was trying to figure out what to do, as they had already tuned their instruments. The crowd loves hearing instruments being tuned; that's why I go to the orchestra. I love hearing them tune.
All with three strings, Itzhak Perlman put on a passionate and uplifting performance. Can you imagine if he played with that much passion on four strings. His mother went on, 'He should learn to play a four string violin.'

At the end of the show, to huge cheers, he said,  ‘You know, sometimes it is the artist’s task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left.' He should've continued, 'My staff that didn't help. They're all fired.'
And the audience members used that as an excuse to get their money back, pointing out that not everything was at the performance.

And rabbis have been giving sermons ever since.

Lessons of What Followed
People will never help you. No matter how bad you have it. They won't lift a finger. Not one person came to help him with the violin. In the whole theater, not one decent soul. I hope he didn't play that town again.
His mother continued, 'If he would put in that much effort with a four string violin he would be a something.'

Much of the audience said they didn't connect with his message. One woman in the back said, 'I'm not an artist. I work in the medical health field.' Another guy said, 'I play guitar. I don't play violin. I'm not an artist.' Another young lady said, 'I don't know.' She didn't finish college.
After the show, many said he's not an artist. He is a violinist. Since then, in his later years, he has made it a point to prove them wrong and has taken up painting, sculpting and graffiti.
Lesson: The only way people will pay for your art is when you're gone.

Since this inspirational performance, support for polio research has gone down. Support for violins and the needs of the Suzuki method has grown immensely. Much money has been raised for research to make the neck brace more comfortable for violinists. The head of the research center for softer violin neck holders is quoted as saying, 'This. The neck. The way you have to turn it and contort. This is an epidemic.' They went on to explain why violinists are always looking to the left, even at dinner parties.

Rabbis have been using this 'how much music you can still make with what you have left' since. It has especially inspired those Bar Mitzvah kids who mess up the Torah reading and their families, letting their parents know that this is what the Jewish people have left. As the rabbi of my shul said after Yankel read the Torah, 'We have to do the best we can with what we just saw. It won't be easy, but it's what our people have left.'
Quoted more than Moshe telling Paroh to let the Jews out, three sermons a year are based around this story in every congregation. What making music means? Nobody knows. Sermons are more meaningful when they're not understood. 

Without the broken string story Itzhak Perlman would be a nothing. Nobody cares about the violining. They especially don't care about overcoming polio. It's the string that popped.
I am changing this story to 'His String That Wasn't,' about a guitar player who ran on stage. That's more meaningful.

***To fact check the story, please see https://www.atime.org/chizuk/with-whats-left/

Lenny Solomon revolutionized Jewish music when he decided to stop doing Jewish songs in Hebrew. He took the pop hits and turned them into Jewish hits. He realized that the greatest way to make a hit, is to take a hit and make it a hit.
The art of taking the music of others and changing the words has helped the world of Jewish music grow, without using Jewish music. Since the pop revelation, Lenny Solomon has been Shlock rocking with his Shlock Rock, making it to communities all over the globe and spreading the word of non-Jewish songs to Jews.
Some songs may have been written by Jews, but we still parody them, as we make them Jewish. What makes Jewish parody unique to other forms of parody is its ability to leave out anything funny.  So lets Shlok Rock.
Here are some of Lenny's Shlock Rock greats.

Making Aliyah Today
tune of 'Born in the USA' by Bruce Springsteen
Lyrics: Gotta call from a man today. It was my Rabbi he said move away. 
Go to a place where the land is good. Land of milk and Honey and Brotherhood. I was Born in the U.S.A, Now I’m Making Aliyah Today. (2X)
Explanation: Aliyah means moving to Israel. In this song, Lenny Solomon took the most patriotic American song and changed it 180 to leaving the USA. The message is more important than the song.  I can't wait to hear what Lenny does to John Mellencamp's 'Small Town.' Those lyrics will show as, 'I was born in a small town. And now I live in New York City. I'm happy I left the small town. Never wanted to live in that same small town.'
It should've been called 'Born in the USA,' but that would be plagiarism. 

To Unite All Jews
tune of 'With or Without You' by U2
Lyrics: To unite all Jews. To unite a-all Jews, right now. I can't wait, to unite all Jews.
Explanation: Love songs are frowned upon, unless singing to Gd. Hence, we had to change the U2 song. Until Bono writes Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs), we are not singing his lyrics. I think we all have to rethink our concept of romance.

Abarbanel
tune of 'Barbara Ann' by the Beach Boys
Lyrics: Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abar bar bar bar bar barnel. Abarbanane-e-el. We think you're swe-e-el. Abarbane-e-el.
Explanation: I still don't know who the Abarbanel is. He was definitely a rabbi who lived a long time ago. He has a commentary on the Mishna and is a great rabbi. They should've said 'we think you're grey-ey-eyt,' but that doesn't rhyme with his name. To note, that 'ey' is there for phonetic reasons. I believe this article should be a seminar. I also believe 'Abar bar bar bar bar barnel' should be repeated more. It's fun, and unlike 'Barbara Ann,' which I always thought was 'Barbaran,' you don't think the name is something else.
The song goes on, 'Went to a shiur. Thought it would be queer. Saw Abarbanel, Now I’m learning for a year. Abarbanel.' I believe those lyrics were fine in the '80s. Listen to Safam's 'Just another Foreigner' for more great lyrics that were fine in the '80s, like 'I met a man from Addis Ababa. His skin was black and his features kind of strange.'

So many great Jewish songs written by Lenny, none greater than my favorite 'Am
Yisrael Chai.' A song that never made it as big, because he wrote the tune. He should've used one of Whitney Houston's for that. It would still be a hit.
Lenny figured out the formula. You take a classic and it's a classic. How Lenny Solomon can turn any rock song into an instant Jewish classic is something that only Vanilla Ice could understand.
Through Shlock Rock, he took every song and made it Jewish. And somehow, through the irony of doing it, the Jewish parody makes you laugh. Thanks to 'The Boss,' Lenny Solomon is a Jewish legend.
People being educated by songs is questionable to me. Even so, there's so much we can learn, especially when Lenny sings of the 'Minyan Man.' If somebody were to ask me, right now, how to connect to Judaism, I would tell them to read a book.

***Next time we'll talk about parodying Men At Work into Hebrew. We will delve into how Piamenta revolutionized Jewish music to the next level, opening up the concept of not writing the tune or the lyrics.

RELIGION
•People of Israel are reporting lost objects from yards.
​Lag BOmer is coming up this week. Which means kids in Israel are collecting all wood. All people of Modiin and Beit Shemesh are being warned to watch over their homes and to ensure that their doors are still there by the end of Thursday night. Quoting a local mom, 'The kids will take anything that burns.'
•Yeshiva University is planning to put a stop on inperson Hebrew courses. JTA reports, 'The new Hebrew courses will be asynchronous, meaning students will not interact in real time with a teacher.' They are hoping this will help with Conversational Hebrew 101.

SPORTS
•Julian Edelman, is retiring from football. Julion won MVP of Super Bowl LIII and became recognized as Jewish at that exact moment. Due to his retirement, the non-acceptance of patrilineal descent may be back. As the Jewish pride window of MVP is already past, Edelman may not be considered Jewish by orthodox standards anymore. Julian Edelman will now be asked to convert, or he will have to join Tom Brady on the Buccaneers.
•Deni Avdija's ended his rookie year with an injured ankle. This would be considered an act of anti-semitism, but nobody touched him. I did see people clapping when they wheeled him off the court. Some say it's support. They were really clapping because they were happy the coach had to take the Jew out of the game.
•As Edelman and Avdija are not bringing anymore Jewish pride, and Jewish educators can't find a way for youth to connect to Judaism through Torah (as that is not how people connect to Yiddishkeit), the Jewish people are trying to find a way for Steph Curry to be Jewish.
Talks in the world of Jewish pride has even brought up bringing back of Goldberg as a geriatric WWE star, so that Jewish children will want to remain Jewish and wrestle.

ENTERTAINMENT
•The new season of Shtisel is up, which means Jews are not showing up to shul. As one rabbi said, 'Just as everybody in our community has been vaccinated and shuls are opening, Jews are still not leaving their homes. We're praying that our community finishes the series.' 
For the young children reading this, Shtisel is not a new form of Israeli breaded chicken. (this was Mark's addition- he added nothing else to the commentary)

STYLE
•The Kippah is now being worn on the front, right side of the head. As summer approaches, the Kippah sticking out of the black hat is back.
•New in suburban Jewish communities of New Jersey, aerobics. Sheitels (wigs) are being used while working out. As one woman said, 'It's modest headgear with a sweatband type elastic. It also keeps my hair out of my eyes.'
Jewish men still refuse to exercise, claiming it ruins the enjoyment of choolante.

ISRAEL 
•Mohmoud Abbas will address J Street at their annual conference. J Streeters are extremely proud of the auspicious day, saying, 'Finally an Israeli leader we can get behind.' The conference is also hoping to host Al Sharpton and Eddie Vedder. All guests are being brought in to speak about Jewish pride and love of Israel.

WORLD
•'Sweden’s Minister of Justice announces support for ban on Holocaust denial,' making it illegal (World Jewish Congress). The Holocaust deniers do not recognize the ban. As they said, 'We deny that too.' Caught up in their very desire to be contrary, the deniers have decided to deny that they believe that the Holocaust didn't happen.

Anti-Semitism Still Exists
•It's still there.

*Disclaimer: This is nobody's opinion. If any of Jews in the News This Week is offensive to you, it's satire.