If there is one thing Israel has, it's food. Kosher food. This is why I moved to Israel. For the holy food. It's not just food. It's a holy connection.
The best kosher food is in the Holy Land. It is so much better than the kosher food in Topeka.
Oh. How I love thee. Kosher food that is not just pizza. 

Israelis love Tradition. 'The Taste of Yesteryear' is written on half of the falafel stands. For some reason, no matter what the spice of yesteryear they're using is, it’s cumin.
Oh. How I love thee and thy food that never changeth. Before thee I never knew what yesteryear tasted like. Nor did I knoweth it was a word. Tradition is at thy heart as is thine taste of cumin.

Jachnun, Malauach, Choolante. It is all for the taste of yesteryear.  Whatever yesteryear tastes like, before Israel I was scared to eat it. 
Oh. How I love thee. Your connection to thine past is never forgotten. Even if thine food is not fresh. Oh. The oil in thou addeth to thine bread.
​
Shoko BSakit. We have chocolate milk in a bag, so that when you think you finished it and think it’s done, it spills on you.
Oh. How I love thee and thine care for the environment. Always reminding me that I need to put my shirt in the wash after I drink thee.

We have coffee that doesn’t dissolve. It is a Turkish miracle. When I finish the coffee, there is more coffee inside the cup than when I started the coffee. The greater miracle is that Israelis invented the Turkish coffee.
Oh. How I love thee. Thine coffee that shalt never cease.

The whole food shopping experience is holy. We can eat whatever we want in the supermarket. If you can knock back an avocado while in the vegetable section, you don't have to pay. As long as it's in the Super, they don't charge for it.
In America, they have tasting stations. You can’t choose what you want to taste. You take something and they make you feel uncomfortable for opening the pack of chips and not buying it. Not very welcoming to have a guy rationing one chip at a time in a cupcake holder. In Israel, we take it and don’t ask, and it is fine. As long as you eat it in the supermarket, it’s free. It's like being at mom and dad's house.
Oh. How I love thee. Thy budget shopping hast never been better. How you care for thine people and have provideth a spit cup for the olives I eat by thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to taketh the shopping cart home. It is quite useful.

We can go to any falafel stand and eat for free. If you bring your own pita, the salads and dips on the side are free. Load it up. The key is to only eat the top layer of Salatim without hitting the pita. This allows for greater pickled vegetable allotment.
Oh. How I love thee and all thine Salatim on the side of thine falafel stand that I don't have to pay for. You have helped me many times when business was down. I pray thou forgiveth me for taking the Salatim cart. I was not aware that metal cart must stay.

We can take anything out of the hotel dining room. Nobody asks any questions. They have accepted our ability to find ways to take a rugulach tray out of the dining room with no shame. I was at the Dead Sea for breakfast and people were filling up shopping carts, taking it to their room for lunch.
Oh. How I love thee and not having to feel shame smuggling food out of thine buffet. I feel a connection to my brethren when I do so.

The Mangal. In American barbecues are huge. In Israel, the barbecue is intimate. A square made to fit six wings if you place them correctly, angled inside one another.
Oh. How I love thee. I will forever maketh my barbecues in tiny tin tray size form. And thine kindness shown when you wave to thou Mangal with your Nifnoofer. Oh. Thine tradition of celebrating every holiday with thine Mangal. As barbecues are an Israeli tradition.

Meurav Yerishalmi. The special food of Jerusalem. In Tel Aviv, they throw their trash in the garbage. In Jerusalem, we eat it. We're religious and we don't throw out food. Baal Tashchis. Kidneys, intestines, eyebrows. We make a dish of it and eat it along with the taste of Yesteryear.
Oh. How I love thee and thine ability to cook whatever cometh thine way, as thou believeth in H'.

I have put on a lot of holy weight since moving to thee. Oh. How I love thee and all the food you take credit for, especially pizza. I how I will never forget thine Turkish Coffee thou hast created. And thine tradition of celebrating Independence Day with a barbecue. Oh. How I love thee and thine traditions.

As we continue to modernize our Holy City and Land I find it important to address this bill I have set forth in honor of Yom Yerushalayim. A bill that will make Olim happy living in Yerushalayim this Jerusalem Day.

​BILL 3 – No Eekooling

Act
Government agencies cannot access or close ones bank account without them knowing. Government agencies have to take me to court before screwing me over.

Problem
a) I woke up that day and looked at my phone. Killed my day, and then the next two months.
b) They shut down your bank account before you get the bill. Known as an Eekool, it's a preemptive strike against your being able to pay the bill you don't know you have. They know you will not pay it, since it is not yours to pay, so they want to ensure that.
c) They shut down my bank account because I was not paying property tax on an apartment that I was not living in. An apartment other people were renting from somebody else. It took me a while to understand that my living there before them is my fault and I should've gotten taxed for that. But they did explain it to me.
d) If they shut down my bank account, how am I supposed to pay?! I believe that's an obvious question. I asked. Nobody had an answer. I believe they repeated 'Eekool' thirty times. The more you repeat something, the more it is understood. I believe that's the case. 
I accepted it was my fault for paying Arnona (property tax) on that apartment when I lived there, and ever letting the city know I lived there. In life you make dumb decisions sometimes.
e) I lost my electricity. My credit card stopped working. The next two months were spent trying to convince everybody I ever met that I am not an idiot.
f) I had no access to money. My friends didn't want to pay for Tzvi's Arnona, as they have never met him. Neither have I. My friends also didn't wanted to pay for my electricity which Chevrat Chasmal was looking for. Chevrat Chasmal was angry they couldn't get money out of my bank account. I had to explain 'Eekool' to them a good thirty times.
g) Guy got rid of the Eekool for me because he was having a decent day. Laws should not depend on somebody finding a decent deal on a 56-roll package of toilet paper (carrying the 56-roll package brings joy- known as a Metizah for the family and the extended Mishpuchi). My bank account should not be affected by a guy who got lucky and made it to the Doar post office when they were open (not easy to achieve as hours to change daily - an achievement that will make anyone happy).
h) This is the number one reason for Yeridah. People leave Israel once they realize they have no access to their bank account. Eekooled is a verb, meaning ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.' Alternative translation: 'You are going to get kicked out of your apartment because we screwed you over and we don't have to explain why.'
i) Government. I believe this is the issue. Government making decisions. The government is not very good with money. The way they like to spend, they should not have unrestricted access to my bank account. With the 2,500nis I have saved in there, they might splurge on another park in the middle of a traffic circle.
j) That truly ruined my day. Eekools can do that.

Solution
a) Assume the government is wrong. Assume the Iriyah (municipality), Mas Hachnasa and the new tax agency they are going to create with no laws to screw me over, are wrong. Assume that David doesn’t live in three different homes in Jerusalem. Assume that David cannot afford more than one apartment on a new Oleh salary of 4,000nis a month. Assume that the people that are living in the apartment, on the lease, are the ones living there. And maybe they didn’t think it was worth it to come to your office to tell you. If they told you, they would've had to pay property taxes on their apartment. Assume they would rather David pay their taxes for them. Assume that when they changed their address and said they were living there to everybody in the country, they were living there. Assume the people living in the apartment will not complain about the Eekool on David's account.
b) Court. Use the system. There are courts in Israel. I know. I once put a flyer on a bus stop. I was taken in for flyering in the first degree. I got caught. I had tape. They took me in. Rightfully.
c) Let me know before you shut my bank account, so that it doesn’t take me a half a year before I can use a cellphone again. This way, you might receive the money.
d) When judging in court for a city fine, the person who gave the fine, lawyers and the judge, cannot all be getting paid by the city. Everybody involved in the Eekool was on the city payroll. If that is the case, I am hosting an appeal in my apartment, with my friends. That should allow for fair judgment.
e) If you are a company that sees your customer is Eekooled, contact them before shutting off their service. You have been living in Israel, you have been screwed over. When you see their phone has been cut off... I'm at a loss right now.
f) Laws. Work with laws!
g) No fining people once you shut down their bank account. If they don't have a bank account, and they need a bank account to pay you, I am assuming they can't pay you. This one is an assumption, and I am probably wrong.
h) If you don’t want to do it for the whole country, allow Olim who come from countries where there are laws to have due process before screwing them over. It is hard for Olim from America to understand Eastern European laws from 1894.
i) Laws are not allowed to be based on if the guy at the municipality was able to pick up his registered mail that morning.

Backup To Solution
If the laws don't change, as closing people's bank accounts is fun and gives an activity to government staff, make it more understandable. Use a word people know, so that they can figure out what the bank is talking about when it tells them their bank account belongs to some Member of Knesset. Some MK who had to come into work that morning. Something that makes people not happy.
Change the name from Eekool to ‘we are screwing you over and we do not have to explain why.’

I hope this was educational as well. And I do look forward to meeting you upon your Aliyah.

Announcements
We ask members of the shul to not drag tables, due to injury. Too many people have got injured by prefab tables that were not built right. Legs are falling and community members are catching injuries. Worst of all, tables setup for the fundraiser had to be reset. Tzuris.
 
The shul dinner was very nice. We only had thirty-four people. It was a pleasure to not have to see the Pearl family and the Mosheloy. It was also appreciated by all to not have to see Bernie.
Nobody is willing to take complaints about the lack of shnitzel size. It turns out the staff also went home starving. The caterer netted eighty dollars a person.
 
Mark needed help with Galila. From now on, please watch members who have a hard time putting a cloth on a scroll. It’s painful to watch. Nobody wants to wait fifteen minutes for inept cloth wrapping. There are some members like Mark who apparently have not been to shul very much and can't figure out how to pull a cloth over a scroll without it getting caught.
 
The Lag BOmer community BBQ will feature hotdogs. We are all very excited they will have hotdogs.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Put Together a Prefab Table. Rolling a Scroll, Putting a Cloth On It, And other stuff You Should’ve Learned 50 Years Ago. How to host a BBQ Nobody Wants to Be At... i.e. Advertise Hotdogs.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 25:18) ‘... then you will dwell on the land securely.’ We are speaking of Shemitah and Yovel. But what we learn in the Pasuk before, ‘Lo Tonu.’ Do not aggravate your fellow. Speaking in business conduct. When you aggrieve people you will not stay in the land. When you take people’s money unjustly. When a board doesn't pay the rabbi enough... Bernie is just annoying.

Treat the land well. Be a good neighbor. Mow your lawn. Don’t start working at 7am on renovations... I know you’re a contractor. But people are still sleeping. People who don’t have kids. You aggrieve them...

(Vayikra 25:19) 'And the earth will give you fruit and you will eat your fill. And you will dwell securely on it.’ If you keep the Mitzvot, and you don’t bother your neighbors... If you keep the Mitzvot right, you won’t aggravate everybody. Then there will be fruit. If you stop shuckling like a madman. It's crazy. You throw off everybody else's Davening...

(25:21) ‘It will make crops for three years.’ This is the blessing for Shemitah... H' has to let you know, because you don't trust Him. You have a basement full of army rations and MREs.
This is why many Jewish women use the freezer. They're worried food will not be there when they need it.You put up a brisket, you put up three... Leftovers.

Keep the jubilee. That is the lesson. You keep the jubilee and don't worry about food... On holidays, you don't think about leftovers. The shul will have a Kiddish the next Shabbis. You can eat there. H' provides... When you have the Simchavitz family putting together Kidishes with Kichel, you will not be satisfied. It's because our shul has too many members not keeping Mitzvot...

(25:17) ‘... and fear H’...’ You have a choice. Take advantage of people in business or fear Gd. What is your path? I know Michel takes advantage of people. It's more lucrative. My mechanic does the same...

You can’t drag the tables. They fall. Hit somebody and that aggravates them... Because idiots in our shul put them up. Members put them together and they do it wrong... I don’t know how people mess up building a prefab table... Rings. Rings come down. A click. You did not hear a click.

The honoree dinner was amazing... Not having congregants at the shul dinner truly made it a joy. Yet, the board aggravates everybody...
Of course it costs a lot. The board is pulling in big. $250 for a shnitzel... Lo Tonu. Don’t aggravate. It was aggravating to spend $250 on a plate and to get a shnitzel. A tiny piece of shnitzel.
I would spend eight hundred dollars to come to shul and not have to see congregants. Not having to see people there because of the cost was a positive. Not having to see Bernie... Business not doing well is a blessing...

Mark couldn’t figure out how to pull the bottom of the cloth over the front of the scroll... Of course it can’t go over the scroll if the whole cloth is in the back of the scroll. Watching you pull was painful... Aggravation. If we have congregants that can't figure out how to put on a Torah cloth. Kicked out of the land...
If Mark helped with the laundry... If you folded the laundry at home we would not be waiting for this. It was pathetic. What were you doing? How did you get your arm stuck in the cloth?! Your hand was coming out of the scroll holes...
You killed the fabric. Yes, you have to pay. $250.
You should be wishing the other congregants a Yashkoych... They all came up an helped you. It was a true shul crisis. Fifteen congregants trying to figure out how to put on a cloth... They were wishing you a Yashkoych for not being able to accomplish your task... Fifteen people helped...

I'm aggravated just being here.

Rivka's Rundown
My neighbors are annoying. I wouldn’t leave the corner of my field for them.

Leftovers is a Jewish tradition. We always do cook three times the amount. You just don't know if there will be enough food to put on weight on Shabbis. And that is a mitzvah. It's a catch 22.
I am going to start bringing MREs to Kiddish. The way some of these people do Kiddish is pathetic. It's not H's way. It's like a crop that doesn't yield to satisfy a day.

Leah got injured by the table. The thing fell. Got a leg injury. Hit the kneecap as it collapsed and she couldn't show up to the fundraiser.
The prefab table class is given every Sukkot, where they also teach the members how to put together prefab chairs without injuring themselves.
They don't ensure the rings fall down and they don't hear a click. They just flip the tables over and injure other members of the community. One Bat Mitzvah had three tables fall. Food went flying and the Hirshfeld family got injured. They all went to the hospital and didn't even get the chocolate souffle. They still gave Becca the Bat Mitzvah gift and that bothered them.

Even wealthy people didn’t show up to the fundraiser. They were afraid that since they knew were it was they thought it was dangerous. Most members only show up to places now if they have no idea where they are going. That ensures safety.
How they end up in shul ever?! Accident.

These fundraiser dinners are a scam. The amount of shnitzel I got was so little. And then people ordered vegetarian and got an eggplant sliver. They want you to know you’re getting ripped off. These caterers are a scam. Vegans got a slice of eggplant. $250.

It takes a long time for some of these Galilas. Everybody then says great job. It’s like they're encouraging patheticness.
Mark was yelling for help. Then he got mad that not enough people helped. He first threw the cloth at the scroll in anger. Then he started whacking it. Five people came up to help by pulling the front of the cloth over.
After Mark's Galila the joke started spreading, 'How many Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah congregants does it take to change a lightbulb? If there is a cloth, fifteen.'

For Lag BOmer there are hotdogs. That's an advertisement? Might as well say, everybody is invited for bug juice in Dixie cups. It's pathetic. Almost as pathetic as Mark's Galila.
If they wanted nobody to come, they should've advertised, 'No burgers and no steak. Just the hotdogs you love.' They always try to make the bad cheap stuff sound good. Last year they advertised, 'No fresh pastries. Just the classic Stella D'oros.' The board tried to sell their new idea for flooring with, 'We're getting rid of the carpet. We've decided to go for the rustic look.' If they truly wanted nobody to come to the Lag BOmer event, they should've let people know where it was.

Lag BOmer has many beautiful traditions. One that has been adopted by many communities is the Upsherin. Based on the tradition of Isaac Luria, the Sephardic community calls it a Chalakeh. Which cannot be pronounced in English.

In much Chassidic tradition, the first haircut of a child is done once he reaches three. Many save the date of the haircut for Lag BOmer, so that the child will hate this day forever. Upsherin, meaning 'to shear off,' is the term for this tradition as we view young boys as livestock.
The tradition is to make the three-year-old child cry in front of all the onlookers. This is effectively done by having the whole community stand there while the young boy sees scissors, or two huge sharp knives, coming at his face for the first time. This first time experience of sharp pointy metal going for the skull of the child ensures that the child will shed tears and not complain about his long hair for the next three years.
The day of Lag BOmer is one of Simcha, and nothing brings more joy to the Jewish people than seeing a young boy cry. The community sees it as very cute.

Some irresponsible communities have individual members of the community each cutting a lock of hair. Seeing more individuals with scissors teaches the child to be scared of community members. This will help him if he ever becomes a rabbi.
This is where the tradition of shaving the head that many Chassidic communities have comes from. Firstly, these non-barbers have no idea what the size of a lock is. It's very complicated to figure out a lock. It's a feeling. After many cases of messed up hairdos and random locks sticking out of children who just got dressed in a suit for the first time, the rebbes came up with a tradition to get rid of all the hair. Shloimy would take one lock, Yankel another, Feivel another. Next thing you know you have a kid walking around looking like a clown. Thus, most Chassidim now shave the hair and leave Payis. It made this whole tradition much easier to explain to the wives who were shocked when their husbands brought their beautiful children home looking like homeless drug addicts with a butchered head.
One child who had no idea why there were so many people taking locks off his head offered some of the Kehillah members a rabbit's foot.

Along with the Upsherin the boy begins his education. Letters of the Torah are covered in honey and the boy reads the letters while licking the honey off them. The rabbis figured that if the child can pull this feat, learning without being forced to eat the page will be easy task, setting the child up for success. This is why many religious Israelis have a lisp. It's very hard to pronounce letters while licking them.
While this is done, some kids sing 'Torah Tziva Lanu Moshe...' 'The Torah that Moshe commanded to us, a heritage of the Kehilah of Yaakov' (Devarim 33:4). This helps take the kids mind off the fact that he is being attacked and allows him to question where the Mitzvah comes from to ruin a child's hair.

Some donate the hair for wigs, as long as it was not used for idol worship. Others weigh the hair and give charity in the amount that it is weighed. At the Upsherin I was at, they weighed the hair in kilos and gave that many Agurot. One fool suggested they weigh in ounces and give shekels. That fool was ostracized. The charity for hair tradition that some began has also led to people leaving longer Payis.

Skver, Chernobul and Gur perform the Upsherin at two years of age. The tradition of two comes from when Yitzchak was weaned. They found a way to give less money to Tzedakah. That extra year of non-grown hair saves the people money.
Some Sephardic do the Chalakeh at age five. They don't know about the tradition to give charity.

Many go to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Kever in Meron for the Upsherin and Chalakeh on Lag BOmer to get the free haircut. Now, many also practice this at Rabbi Akiva's Kever in Tiberias or Shimon HaTzadik's grave in Yerushalayim. After many years of traveling to Meron, they realized that they were losing money on the gas. It killed the whole free haircut idea.

Many connect the tradition to Orlah. For the first three years one may not eat of a new tree. They compare the kid to a tree that bears fruit. Now the child is ready to give, to practice Mitzvot. At least they can start picking up their Lego.

Law 12: It's Just a Visual - Not a Lie

Since H' is not affected by the physical world. All of the stuff in the Torah and Navi is just metaphor and image. Did the Rambam just say the Torah is lying?! No. The Rambam is saying we're idiots and we can't understand anything other than baseball, how to match two shades of blue that don't clash, and anything about a car other than how it works.

H' doesn't laugh. H' doesn't cackle. There is no snort coming out when you make a joke. H' is not amused. H' is. He is just is. He is not amused by the joke about the guy eating non-kosher because of how apples are served. Especially because He heard well over three million times.
If you're offended that I am calling H' a He and not a She, H' doesn't care.

(Shemot 3:14) 'I am who I am.' H' wants to be known to us as this. Otherwise, we'll start asking Him questions, wanting to hang out. And that won't make H' happy. Why? Because H' just is and it can get annoying hanging out with you at the bar and watching you get Shikur. He figures that if we are confused we won't be as annoying, and we'll aske less questions.
'I am who I am.' That's skirting a question if I have ever seen it. I would never be able to get away with this. People ask me what I'm working in now. 'I am me.' 'No. Rabbi David is unemployed.'

(Malachi 3:6) 'I, Gd, have not changed.' That says it all. He doesn't get happy or mad. H' is always H'. I feel like I am sinning defining H' by saying He is not definable.
I wish they would've taught me this stuff in elementary school. I would've cared less about not knowing stuff. Come to think of it, my lack of listening in class had me understanding H' a lot better than those fools getting straight 'A's. 
'I have not changed.' The last time I heard that was when that girl broke up with me. I believe she was blaming me for that breakup.

This physical stuff and emotion affect people. It is for the dark and low beings.
H' is above all this. He is exalted. H’ just gets bothered by you.
If you felt good, just know you're a dark and lowly creature. A creature who is affected by pettiness and bathroom humor.
What am I supposed to do? How do I relate to H'? We are not here for answers. We are here to confuse you.

Now that we can relate to H' through metaphor it's good to know that He is not affected by what you do or think - and that is a metaphor. That should help with your prayers this morning.
I am beginning to think that saying 'metaphor' is like saying 'psyche.' So did the Torah say it or did the Torah not say that H' has an outstretched arm?! Then how did H' take us out of Egypt? That wasn't a metaphor. The Rambam better deal with this in the next chapter or I will metaphorically stop learning. I am sure the Raavad has something to say about this.

Now that we have finished the chapter teaching us that everything we thought about Gd is not true. And that all of our connection with H' is based on a physical world that H' is not affected by. Have a great Shabbis. And be on time to shul. You should use it as a time to connect with H'.
And remember H' rested on the seventh day. Oh shoot. That's a metaphor. Now I'm confused.
And I wasted twelve years in school learning about how I can make H' happy by doing Mitzvahs and how I usually make H' mad. 

Now that it is clear that we cannot define H', we will move onto chapter two and define H' and our relationship to Him more.

Lesson:
We're meant to follow in H's ways. How do you become exalted? Be very much not you. And practice Mitzvot. That's how you end a good Dvar Torah - Learn Torah and do Mitzvahs. If you do that, H' will probably not care. He definitely won't get all emotional about it.
I know the Rambam is going to say something about Mitzvahs being the way to make this physical world exalted and godly. He's got to. I really hope the Rambam doesn't stop here. Oh shoot. I am worried he stops here. There is no cliffhanger. 

The physical stuff is petty. It's fleeting. That's my take. I'm finished for now. I'm going to go work out. Hit the weights. Try to get in shape.
And I am still trying to figure out how H' took us out of Mitzrayim with an outstretched arm. Could one arm have freed a whole people from slavery? Just one arm?! I will think of that while doing some squats to connect to H'.

Announcements
We forgot Mother’s Day last week. They are the most important people in our lives. We just forget them.
 
Yom HaZikaron. We are announcing it now. No more complaints. Now you know for next year.

We want to apologize for Michel and how bad he is at reading the Torah. He will read again this Shabbis. If you don't want to come to shul, we understand. Kiddish will be at 11:30am for those who still want to come to shul and avoid the pain of hearing Michel. We understand it's not Yom Kippur and there is no reason to cause yourself the pain of hearing Michel Layn.
 
Shmuel has already messed up the Omer count. He has had it messed up since the third day. He missed it due to lack of thought. He is also a very bad Gabai.
 
Marriage class on how to get out of marriage without losing all of your money will take place this Tuesday. Wednesday is the Pinkovitz wedding. We want to wish the Pinkovitz family a Mazel Tov. We also pray Yossi Pinkovitz doesn't get caught up in debt because of this one.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Know How to Read the Torah Before You Get Up to Layn, So That People Don’t Want to Shoot You. How to Not Forget the Omer Count Like Our Gabai.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 22:32) ‘And you shall not desecrate My Holy Name, and I should be sanctified among the children of Israel. I am H’ who sanctifies you.’ H’ has done all He can to sanctify this congregation... There’s only so much that can be done. When you have congregants like the back left...

Why? Because He took you out of Egypt, Bernie. I believe that's a reason. I think that's a pretty decent reason to sanctify. A little sanctification is called for.
(Vayikra 22:33) You sanctify Gd ‘who took you out of Egypt, to be a Gd to you.’ Does that not make sense? You sanctify the Holy Name that freed you from slavery... He did what He could there. He tried to help you get out of your first marriage. We had eight rabbis show, ready to sign the Get (document of divorce), and then she said she wanted four million dollars, and you stuck with the marriage... The least you can do is send your kids to Jewish day school, so H’s name can be sanctified amongst your children...
Being decent athletes with cool friends is not sanctification. It’s sacrilege. Look at the Moskovitz boys. Very out of shape. Good Jews. Sanctifying.

Let's talk about desecration and Bernie, and the back left over there.
Well let’s see how you desecrate. You mess up the Layning. Michel should never read from the Torah... With the way you read, they should’ve thrown the candies harder at your Bar Mitzvah. If they would’ve nailed you, you would’ve learned a lesson... Frank hasn’t mowed his lawn since April. Desecration... They know you're religious Frank... Because you don't mow your lawn. That's how they know. The longer the grass, the more religious they know you are... Just mow it so the property value doesn't go down. And pay your dues...

We don’t desecrate H’s name when you use our ability to sanctify... In your case, it’s to just stop sinning. Start there. Just don't sin.
How do we bring glory to H’? You don’t mess things up. You keep the Mitzvot. You see what the shul board does and you don't do that. The Pasuk of ‘don’t desecrate’ is flanked by keeping Mitzvot. How about keep Mitzvot and stop sinning, and give the rabbi a raise... And can somebody please take their child away from the Bima right now. Why is this kid up here?!...

Finally nothing this week. But we have a Bat Mitzvah. Oh shoot. Thought I had off. Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H'.

Yom HaZikaron and Mother’s Day were last week. Thought you should know...
You can remember now.
Respect your mother. Sanctification of your parents... We are not talking about sacrificing parents. Bernie. That's honoring your parents. You sanctify them. You honor them. You don't do stupid stuff like not mowing your lawn, having people thinking you were raised wrong, killing the neighborhood...
Does anybody get a calendar anymore?! Has the Jewish people stopped giving to non-profits that much that they're not getting calendars anymore?!

You messed up the Omer already. Another desecration... Then give $180 to Chabad and get a calendar... Jewish calendars are very expensive.
Shmuel missed the Omer count from the third day... Fourth day. Same thing. If anybody else in this shul is not a good Jew, I will be saying the blessing for the Omer every night, so you can be Yotzei (fulfill the Mitzvah)... How can you be a good Gabai if you can't count the Omer? You can't just get up and say, 'Do the Omer tonight.'
You forget everything. Shmuel. You forgot your daughter’s birthday. It was her third birthday...
You miss everything. You missed your Aliyah... Shmuel. You are the only Shmuel in the shul. They yelled your name. It was you. You're the Gabai. You yelled your name, Shmuel Ben Simcha... I understand nobody calls you that at work... I also wanted to run out once Michel started reading the Torah. His Layning is painful...
Of course he missed the Yom HaShoa program. They hid the location from us for security reasons. He also didn’t know where it was.... Yom HaZikaron was the board’s fault.

If H' takes me out of here, I will be able to sanctify His Name.

Mazel Tov to Yossi Pinkovitz on your his fourth wedding. I am not buying him gifts this time.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi definitely writes the announcements. It appears to be a way for him to share his anger at Bernie, Frank, Michel and the Gabai.
The rabbi blames the shul board for everything. I think he just blamed them for Yom Hashoa Yom HaZikaron.

I don’t know if Bernie felt like he has been taken out of Egypt. He was born in Illinois.

The being decent athletes being sacrilege was a very empowering lesson for our congregation. The members felt empowered. It was something they all felt they can do. With the out of shapeness of our membership, they now all feel they can serve H’ and sanctify His Name.
Weddings are an important time in one's life. I think the class on getting out of marriage will be very helpful to the Baalei Simcha who are getting married this week.
The Bat Mitzvah will be able to glean from the class too. I wish a rabbi warned me at that age.
Many people thanked the rabbi for the class in fiscal responsibility. They said it was the greatest lesson in running a home.

The more religious one is the less their lawn is mowed. That is how you tell a religious person in the neighborhood. I think it's considered Bitul Torah (wasting time from learning Torah) to mow your lawn.
Frank is the rabbi's neighbor. The rabbi brings up the non-mowed lawn at least once a year. The rabbi tried moving last year but he couldn't. The property wouldn't sell because of Frank's grass. And then Frank put a jungle gym on his front lawn. That's the next level of the bungalowing of the neighborhood. Chairs on the front lawn is one thing. But a jungle gym, that's a Chutzpah. I thought Frank had no backyard. He has a huge backyard, he's just planning to build on it. He said religious people extend their homes back. According to Frank, anything people do in Brooklyn is religious.

Yom HaZikaron. The Day of Remembrance. Remembering the soldiers who fought for our people. It's good that we'll be able to show the support next year.
It is such an important day, especially this year with everything going on, and nobody even knows about it. Some people just thought they didn't know where it is, as a Jewish program in these times should be not findable.

The office got a lot of calls about Yom HaZikaron. Nobody ever remembers what day it is. The issue is the calendars. Once Jews stop supporting Jewish organizations nobody will have a calendar. Then what.

Apparently Mothers are not the most important people in the board’s life
Though he talked of Kibud Av vEim, honoring your father and mother, the rabbi also forgot Mother's Day. He suggested people call their moms and tell them they forgot they had mothers that day, to show their mothers they love them. When asked what to do if their dad answers the phone, the rabbi said to tell them, ‘Just put mom on. I want to speak to mom.’ As the rabbi explained, 'You don't honor your fathers on Mother's Day. You don't want to diminish the importance of the day. It's a mother focused Kibud Av vEim day.'

The rabbi just went off on Shmuel. He missed the Omer the third day. I missed the count on day two, when there was no Seder and nobody to remind me there is another Mitzvah I have to keep.
People missed the Omer counting class. They also forgot the class.
The how to read the Torah class was well received by the rabbi himself, who can't stand hearing Michel Layn.

Yossi Pinkovitz gets married a lot. Fourth wedding. Each time the Kiddishes get smaller. He can't expect gifts with those Kiddishes.

Beautiful message to Bat Mitzvah, 'Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H".' Our rabbi always makes the point clear and succinct. And then he goes off on Bernie.

He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny.
 
He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line.
 
The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt.
 
On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai)
You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah.
 
Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin)
You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah.

We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal)
You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier.
 
The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.)

Mother's Day is a beautiful day to celebrate our Jewish matriarchs. Let us praise these Eishet Chayils with talking a bit about the Jewish mother we all love.

Jewish mom makes your favorite dish. Every Jewish Mom has a special dish that nobody else has ever had. It's called Tzimis. Whatever is in that thing, you love it and one day you will find out that nobody else knows what it is.

Every Jewish mother makes the best food. How every Jewish mother is the best cook is an anomaly. Even if other people hate the spinach gravy apple tart rolls with date juice, your mom makes it. And that's the family's dish. Special to your family, because nobody else would ever think about making that concoction.

Jewish mom scoops your food for you. She feeds you into your forties.
A good Jewish mom doesn't take the chance at you deciding what you want to eat. If you decide what your portions should be, you might eat less. That's not acceptable. You might even say no to spinach gravy apple tart rolls.
You’re a growing forty-year-old who needs nutrients. You’re her shnukums. And your wife is getting very annoyed.

Jewish mom is honest about you putting on weight. And you are always putting on weight. She will scoop your food, ensure your plate is full and then tell you that you have to watch yourself. She'll tell you you're fat, while forcing more food on you. And then she’ll be offended if you don’t eat it.

Jewish mom knows you're the best, because you're her child. And that's all that matters till you meet the other kids in the class. Being the best doesn't help when you lose at everything. Getting whacked by a rubber dodgeball does not reinforce this feeling of being the best.
The fact that she thinks you're the best, even when you're not still makes you feel good. Because you're her shnukums. Asthma may hurt your chance at making the pros. However, Mom knows you're still the best athlete. And she will acknowledge that by hugging you and making you fatter.

Jewish mom will make you self-conscious, because she loves you. From the first day she yelled 'watch out,' you will always be aware that stairs can be dangerous when walking up them.
Thanks to your Jewish mother, you will always be aware of danger. You will watch out for sun because it's bright. You will watch out for chicken because it has bones. And you will drive your Honda with a twitch to something in your head going, 'Shnukums. Watch out. There are cars. Cars are dangerous.'

Jewish mom buys you stuff to make sure you wear it, and to get offended when you don't. 'It's June' is not an excuse to not being wearing the sweater mom bought you for Chanukah.

Jewish mom dresses modestly. And then she tells you the clothes she bought you are hip. Saying something is hip, by definition means it's not. It means it might look good on somebody who is over eighty-five.

Jewish mom expects you to call, and calls you to let you know she's expecting the call. She tells you this to let you know you're going to let her down somehow. If it's not for the sweater with a dreidel on it, or the fact that you eat way too little to be a three-hundred-pound athlete who is the best at dodgeball, your not calling enough will let her down. 'Enough' is the amount you will never call.

Jewish mom wants you to get married and will make you feel bad about it. She still can't figure out why other women find it hard to be attracted to her shnukums. And she calls you her shnukums. I believe ‘shnukums’ is Yiddish.
She cares. Which means you're going to be contacted by a friend of mom's who turned into a matchmaker once your mom shared how pathetic you are. She told he friend that she can't figure out why no girl wants to be with the best son, her shnukums. And her friend understood you're a loser.

Jewish mom will tell you you're a man. She will pinch your cheeks and tell you you're a man. Because you're her shnukums.
With all this belief in you as a man, with all the love, she will never trust you with a wrench. You’re the best, but you do not have abilities as a man to use a tool. You come from your father, who has been beaten down.

She says Tehillim all the time. She constantly prays, especially for her children, so that they will someday not let her down. She prays her children might pick up a phone and call. She prays her son will take off weight and eat more.

And it is all because she loves you. You're hers. And you are the best shnukums.
No matter how old you are, when you're with your Jewish mother you feel a warmth. You feel at home. You feel like the greatest athlete in the world, and the smartest kid who ever had a 'C' average in elementary school. And that was the teachers' fault. All of them. You’re the best and you’re her favorite child. You and your eight siblings are her favorite child.
We need a Jewish Mother's Day, a special day for our special moms, to give the Jewish mom another chance to call and let you know she's expecting a call, so you can surprise her and let her down.

Announcements
We ask you give up the Chazin spot when you are finished with your part of the services. We don’t want to have to bring in the Gabai enforces to remove Ralph from the Bima (the place the Chazin leads services from, for those congregants who show up at 10:50am).
 
The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will be announced the day of. For safety, we don’t want anybody knowing where it will be..
 
We are renovating the shul. Everything from the past must go. This includes members.
 
We ask you watch your kids in the halls. Though your children are jumping, running and smacking each other, we have not made the halls safety proof yet. We also ask that you don’t allow your children to go up to the rabbi and hit him.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Make an Event Nobody Will Be Able to Find. How a Board Does Renovations to Destroy Tradition.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 19:23-25) ‘When you shall come to the land and you shall plant any fruit tree, you shall treat its fruit as Orlah.’ Orlah means it's closed off from enjoying it. It is forbidden. Forbidden to eat it. Like taking cookies before we make Kiddish... At Kiddish, we make Kiddish and your kids are crazy. Do something. Be a parent and let them know they can't take of the Kiddish before we make Kiddish... Even if it's a cookie. Yes. It's forbidden from enjoyment until we show appreciation to H' first... ‘Arel Sifataim’ means can’t talk. Moshe couldn’t talk to Gd... You don’t circumcise mouths. Yet. It would be good if you didn't talk. Maybe if you just stopped talking, the congregation would be happy, Bernie....

It would appear to be a commandment to plant trees in Israel too. This is not in support of JNF. They have taken so much money from our children... Your tulips don't count. And they die...
'Shall' is a Torah word. And I shall continue with the lesson of not taking Kiddish before Kiddish... There are things you can't do.

There are many commandments in the Parsha. (19:26-32) 'Don’t round the edge of your scalp’... It looks bad. And don’t destroy the edges of your beard... When you cut it you destroy it... Then go to a barber. You have no cutting depth perception. Have a normal beard for crying out loud. I don’t even know if the men here are Jewish with these short things... Good Jews have long beards and Payis. And no tattoos. I can say that most of our congregation is going to Gehenim...
Your tattoos are messed up. They are the weakest tattoos I have ever seen... It's not a bike. You're not riding your motorcycle in a gang. It's a bicycle. Bicycle riders don't need tattoos...

It's about being holy. Kadosh.
Don’t mess up the Sanctuary. The Kadosh... Look at this shul. Baby carriages everywhere.

Stand for your elders and honor their presence, ‘and fear Gd.' You can’t fear Gd if you don’t honor your elders and you look like an idiot with short hair, a beard you cut like a fool and a tattoo that says 'I like tulips.'

Practice the commandments. This is how you are Holy. (19:2) As H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’
Be Kadosh.

How can we be Kadosh... How about following the Mitzvot. I have to constantly tell you this. It's getting annoying already. Every week...

H’ gives us stuff, we have to treat it well. Our elders... We have to keep our traditions. Our artifacts. We have to not have these kids taking those rolled up hard cookies with raspberry from the elders... The older people love those hard raspberry things. They're like Kichel.

Let us remember our Kedoshim. Those who sacrificed their lives for us. Our holy brethren who put aside enjoyment for holy...

There are certain things in life you do. And some you don't. You leave it for a while.
Let us not get rid of an Aron. An ark that houses the Torahs...
Why can’t we keep the Aron... Let’s go through things that don’t need renovation.
Because you’re crazy and you have to change everything... We’re about tradition. This is not a community center. It's a shul. The ark is something you don't touch for more than four years...
Your renovations disrespect our tradition, because you're doing them, and you do dumb stuff... Your kid's Bat Mitzvah with the unicorn theme... You brought a horse into the shul with a birthday hat on it... I am still trying to figure out how a paper hat is a horn.
Why not renovate not having kids running around during the sermon. Let's start there... You're destroying the shul like you destroyed your beards.

Did I just see a seven year old run through the shul... She was yelling, ‘Weee.’ I’m giving a sermon, Leah.... I don’t know what ‘weee’ means. I do not that it's your child.
You don't parent. And that is why your children will end up cutting their beards and with tattoos of some religion out in Eastern China.
Stop them for crying out... When they're not stopped, we end up with people like Ralph leading Shacharit.

We are Kadosh when don't do stupid things, and limit our use to thank H'. We have to limit Ralph's leading services, because nobody likes his voice...
He was waiting to lead Shacharit, Ralph. You didn’t let him in... You stood there and kept going. You knew he was there. Share the Amud (the Bima where services are led from). There is a reason for Gabais... You're not the Gabai. You just call up yourself... Taking initiative for yourself to do something that nobody else wants you to do is not Kadosh. Cutting off use to be dedicated to H' is Kadosh. You not leading Davening is Kadosh for everyone... Everyone except you...
Moishie is not Arel Sifataim. He sings much better than you.

And these dumb decisions leads us to a lack of pride in who we are...
Of course I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be... How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is. How do you show up to ‘I don’t know where.'
Did the shul board put together the parade?... The point is the shul board should not be involved in anything. They make bad decisions and mess things up...
Maybe focus on ensuring the rabbi gets one of the lemon cookies next Kiddish.
I have no appreciation for the board.

Rivka's Rundown
I think the rabbi lashed out at the whole congregation in the middle of his sermon when he told everybody to keep the Mitzvot. He went off for twelve minutes on how annoying it is to have to tell people to keep commandments.
He was truly mad about not getting a lemon cookie. Then seeing a whole pile of them on one kid's plate. The rabbi said that was not Orlahesque of that child. To quote the rabbi when his wife said he shouldn't take it: 'That is an uncircumcised lemon cookie sitting right on that plate.'

And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. Maybe it was for the security of the program, that nobody should know it is happening. I don't think the congregants would've cared to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there.
And with the new security protocol of not telling anybody, the attendance at the programs was extremely low. It turned out to be very safe with eight people.
The organizers are still not very happy that people didn't show. They said it was a lack of communal support to not be present at the events when they are trying so hard to make them safe and not telling anybody where they are.

I think the not cutting stuff and not messing with your bodies is a good commandment. We have the most messed up looking congregation. They truthfully look like a bunch of hippies with short hair and no beards, in suits. No cause for peace. Just lazy people who made bad decisions when drunk. They honestly look well kempt. They look like people with good jobs. They look like bad Jews.

I agree. They're going to Gehenim. Just having to sit next to them, I feel a bit of Geheniim. I feel myself getting warmer, like a fire is hitting me.

They are truly throwing out everything. I believe that is what they mean by 'renovation.' To just get rid of anything in the shul that's meaningful. If they had the money, they would destroy the facade of the shul, as well as the Kiddish cup. I love that Kiddish cup. It's huge and four generations have drank grape juice out of it. Never cleaned it.
They would knock down the whole shul for the sake of knocking it down. And they would call it renovations. Why? Because they’re the board and they have money and they want to make decisions. I think that's the reason.

The kids are crazy and the parents blame the shul. They sued the shul for not having safe enough halls. They suggested the shul should have inflatable cushions everywhere. They want to turn the shul into a bounce house.
The kids were running through the shul. I think it was freezetag. One yelled, ‘You missed me,’ right as the rabbi was letting the congregation know they were going to Gehenim. So, I think it was freezetag.
It's now normal for kids to be running through the shul and hitting the rabbi, saying 'got you' during his sermon.
I think the only way to deal with this kid issue is to have the grandparents smack their parents.

It’s bad. Ralph just takes the Chazin spot and goes. The Gabai has never asked him. He just jumps up there. Everybody is too scared to say anything. Have you ever told somebody who is clearly doing something wrong, they're wrong. It’s awkward. What are you supposed to say as the guy the Gabai asked to lead? ‘The Gabai asked me to lead'? ‘Nobody wants to hear you anymore.’ ‘Do you not realize you have stolen this spot from everybody else.’
Last time they had to physically bounce Ralph.

For safety now, they have events and nobody knows where they are. This way, they are safe.

The rabbi asked them to add to the announcements that members must also be removed from the shul. As part of renovations, he said that not having the membership will make the shul look much better.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.

Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day is upon us it’s time to talk about what makes Israel special. I love the Holy Land. It's amazing and holy. Here's a little ode to my love of the amazing religious Israel. A religious people in a religious land, with people who also live in Tel Aviv. Here is my prayer of ode. Oh. How I love thee.

Mitzvot permeate all, making everything beautiful. Even the Mitzvah of settling the land is done daily. People doing renovations in the apartment above me, I heard, 'Motik (sweetie). We are settling the land.' And I did hear them settling the land while I was trying to sleep.
When the wife mentioned that their neighbor might be sleeping at 5:30am, her husband responded, 'Mikakel is getting Zechut for joining in the Mitzvah of us redecorating.' I missed Shacharit that morning. Yet, I felt connected to the land and my neighbor's investment in their apartment.
Oh. How I love thee. My dear neighbors who leave their garbage outside my front door. As thou ist religious and must keepeth your home's entrance clean and holy.

Voting is a religious duty in the Homeland. As the Shas party said, 'It’s a Mitzvah to vote.' I voted for Blue and White. I hope it's a Mitzvah to vote for Blue and White too. Maybe the Blue and White party have a rabbi that can get me into heaven as well.
Oh. How I love thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to fulfill the Mitzvah of voting for my government many times every year. Oh. How I thank thee for fulfilling the Hechsher Mitzvah of disbanding the Israeli government.

The sports fans in the Holy Land  are religious. The fans sing 'Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach' when their team is winning, because they know what redemption looks like, and that is Beitar winning a football match.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to jumpith while I sing. Oh. How I pray Mashiach comes during halftime. Our Messiah will understand that it's rude to disrupteth the flow of the game.

Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’i. Translated, this is Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Anything to not work. Most of the country takes off on Wednesdays. At least the workers at the post office aren't there when I need them.
Oh. How I love thee. And I love to celebrate even if I must guess when thou ist open for me to pick up my package.

Faith in H' abounds. The way people cross the streets, there is so much belief in Gd. I cross at crosswalks and look both ways. People put their head down and cross. No looking, middle of the road. Emunah is manifested. And the way people drive, the faith. Switching lanes with no blinker. Emunah.
I grew up in America and I am still working on my faith. Someday I hope to have enough Emunah to not look when crossing a road.
Oh. How I love thee. Driving and walking with thee hast helped me witness the presence of H' in our daily life.

The Bible is everywhere, even at the zoo. The Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. Unique in all its biblical ways, with all the biblical animals like penguins.
Oh. How I love thee. I love all the biblical animals thou exhibiteth in the Holy Land that one may not witness anywhere else in the Middle East, such as kangaroos.

People quote Psukim. Torah is everywhere. When the mechanic overcharged me, he said, 'What is 400 shekels of silver between friends.' I thought that was a lot. I was fine with 400 hundred shekels. But the silver part brought up that bill. Yet, he quoted that Pasuk with a smile, and like Efron he took my money. And when he took my money, he smiled. I brought him so much Simcha. So much happiness.
Oh. How I love thee. You bringeth a smile unto my lips when thou taketh my money. Nowhere else in the world do I feel good getting ripped offeth.

You hear people saying stuff like 'HaKol Bidei Shamaim' (everything is in the hands of Gd). People who don't believe that work. They have jobs. Not us. We believe. And even the non-religious still take off Wednesdays. The non-religious still celebrate the holidays.
Oh. How I love thee.

And there is prayer. Tefillah is everywhere. The Land of King David's psalms. You hear people reciting Tehillim regularly. Especially when trying to cross the street. Focused on the prayer, meditating on the holy words of Tehillim. while walking.
Oh. To thee.

Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already.

Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office.

To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival.

We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate.
You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word.

Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city.
The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad.

When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting...

I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel.

(Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt...

After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something...

You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei...
It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie.

It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach.
Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot...
The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy...

Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel.

We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul...

Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that.
You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul...

LaAzazel.

You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem.
I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious...

To Azazel Bert.

Rivka's Rundown
I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel.

I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though.

The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah.
Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. 

Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat.
I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more.
We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later.
The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier.

I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings.
The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad.
It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience.

Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming.
But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish.

Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY
After a full conversation with his children right outside of  the entrance to the shul, at full volume, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying.

Sam: I didn't distract anybody.

Member 5: This is distracting.

Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin.

Sam: No I didn't.

Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. 

Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.'

Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening.
 
Member 1: That was disruptive.

Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. That distracted me.

Sam: I went to the hall to not disrupt.

Member 1: In the hall you got louder. You shouted, 'At least here I can talk at a normal level.'

Member 4: Sam. Your normal level is whatever we can hear while we're trying to Daven.

Member 3: You told your son, 'I can't stand those guys in the Minyin. I had to leave because they're Davening is bothering me. I can't hear you in there.'

Member 1: You stood right there.
Member 1 points to a foot outside the door.
You were right there.

Member 3: The door was open.

Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. Then he said, 'I'm outside the shul now.'

The Chazin gives up and storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader.

Sam: What's with him?!

Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY   (FLASHBACK to FIVE MINUTES EARLIER)
A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock.
You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people.  Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Stands a foot outside the shul.

Sam (Out of Scene from the hall - loud): They're so loud in there.

Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening?

Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call.

Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls.

You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation.
The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead, showing frustration. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated.

Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. And he hasn't moved. He is right at the door. That's not the hall.

Member 3: It's the hall. Just kind of in the shul too. Why is he talking so loud?

Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him.

Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?!

Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell.

Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project.

There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again.

Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha.

Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me?

Member 3: I think it's a grandkid.

Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening.

Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.'

Scene 3
INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY
After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder.

Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer.

Member 5: Silence is relative to age.

Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud.

There is head nodding of agreement.

Kibbitzer Conclusion
When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. There was a very long conversation about that during services. That was the conclusion.
The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven.
And the Minyin is still trying to figure out why the older members of the congregation get so loud on the phone. Member 3 hypothesized that the rotary phones didn't have as good of reception.

At the heart of the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (the silent prayer that you do out loud) is the Kedusha. It's at this moment that the cantor, Chazin, Bal Tefilah, or guy leading the prayers that is louder than everybody else, has a chance to sing. So, they do it. Here are some key notes to help you pick the correct tunes when leading services, and to understand the tunes of holiness we use in our tradition.

Go Slow
As the leader, you want the congregants frustrated. For this, you sing. Just when they think Davening will end soon, sing more.
The tunes chosen should be slow and long. This keeps people in shul. It is part of the Jewish laws regarding suffering and how you are a better person if you suffer longer. During the Kedusha they can’t run. They have to stand in one spot in solemnity. You keep them longer there. If the song moves too fast, be sure to add NayNayNays. That can keep any song going for another hour or so. Slowdown and add NayNayNays.

Songs to Use During Your Kedusha
Many Chazins like to sing something catchy. This means 'VAtah Ba'anim Shiru' or the Black Eyed Peas' 'I Got a Feeling.' Personally, I'm a fan of the more sentimental Jewish songs, such as TLC's 'Unpretty.'
'A Million Dreams' is always a good one. I believe that song is Frum.
Throughout the ages, Chazanim have worked endlessly to develop tunes for our prayer services. Forget those melodies. That all ended in the 1980s when Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock learned about the Beach Boys a decade late. Since then, as the pop charts have changed, Tefillah has developed. Hence, now we praise Gd with Nigunim by MBD, Uncle Moishy and Kid Rock.

Fitting Words into A Song
This is a developed skill. You have chosen the song. Now you must finesse it.
No modern songs produced by Sony Music are written to Naritzcha. Shwekey has done well with these lyrics, why can't Sony put out an LP?!
Bruno Mars is an excellent song writer. However, he has yet to have composed an Anim Zemirot melody. Or maybe he did. I think I heard it. It's confusing. Point is, you take whatever song and reappropriate it as Jewish with words that don't fit. I am sure the Etz Chaim Hi tune topped the charts in the Balkans in the 1520s.
My woke friends have assured me reappropriating is OK if it's for spiritual reasons. For spiritual reasons, you also don't have to pay for the rights to the music. 

Naritzcha to Mimkomcha
Chazins want to make the Tefillah more meaningful. Many have asked how to choose specific songs for specific parts of the Kedusha. You don't. You wake up Shabbat morning and go with the song that is stuck in your head. One Chazin was doing the Kivodo part of the Kedusha to Barnie's 'Brushing My Teeth On Top.' I believe they were trying to get their child to brush that morning. That is how tradition develops.
Simon and Garfunkel has made it into the lexicon of Kedusha songs. Back in the '70s your average Jew woke up to the radio playing 'Scarborough Fair.' Hence, sung as tradition along with 'Sound of Silence' in many shuls.
There are traditional cantorial melodies for these. But nobody uses them, because they're good. You don't feel the requisite pain of suffering if it's good.

How to Fit the Words
It's a challenge to fit five words into one note. Yet, the skilled Bal Tefillah does it with ease, and no concern for the melody. A savvy Bal Tefillah has the ability to leave the congregation in shock, wondering what he just did, while continuing onto the NayNayNay portion Bruno Mars did not anticipate.
Here is the secret to all modern-day Jewish shul song composition. Syllabalize. As the Chazin, pick any song. Pick whatever song you want. It makes no difference. Then you fit the words into the tune. Any song works if you force enough words into a note. By the way, 'Kivodo Maleh Olam uMshortav Shoalim Zeh Lazeh' is one syllable.

Make Them Wait Longer
Musaf, the added prayer on Shabbat and holidays, is the perfect time to go off with more tunes. Focus on the Musaf's Kedusha. It is at this point that they have already been in shul for two and a half hours. The longer you can extend this part of the prayer, the more pain they will feel. NayNayNays must be added here. NayNayNays after three hours in shul adds to frustration and anger, and thus opens up the gates of heaven.
Now that they think the singing is done. Don't stop there. There is so much more you can do with vShamru tunes and Modims during your repetition of the Amidah. And don't forget the Sim Shalom. That is your Shabbat morning finale. Go out very long. Better yet, repeat the word 'Sim' as many times as you can. That will definitely get them folding their Tallises.
Want to add to the anger, get the choir backing it up with NayNayNays.

You know you have done your job, keeping with the traditional songs of the Kedusha written by Pink and Bruno Mars, if people are folding their Tallises in a rage of anger and rushing to Kiddish.
Next time we will focus on more Tefillah songs, such as those written by Men at Work.