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He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny. He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line. The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt. On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai) You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah. Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin) You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah. We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal) You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier. The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.) The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask you give up the Chazin spot when you are finished with your part of the services. We don’t want to have to bring in the Gabai enforces to remove Ralph from the Bima (the place the Chazin leads services from, for those congregants who show up at 10:50am). The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will be announced the day of. For safety, we don’t want anybody knowing where it will be.. We are renovating the shul. Everything from the past must go. This includes members. We ask you watch your kids in the halls. Though your children are jumping, running and smacking each other, we have not made the halls safety proof yet. We also ask that you don’t allow your children to go up to the rabbi and hit him. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Make an Event Nobody Will Be Able to Find. How a Board Does Renovations to Destroy Tradition. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 19:23-25) ‘When you shall come to the land and you shall plant any fruit tree, you shall treat its fruit as Orlah.’ Orlah means it's closed off from enjoying it. It is forbidden. Forbidden to eat it. Like taking cookies before we make Kiddish... At Kiddish, we make Kiddish and your kids are crazy. Do something. Be a parent and let them know they can't take of the Kiddish before we make Kiddish... Even if it's a cookie. Yes. It's forbidden from enjoyment until we show appreciation to H' first... ‘Arel Sifataim’ means can’t talk. Moshe couldn’t talk to Gd... You don’t circumcise mouths. Yet. It would be good if you didn't talk. Maybe if you just stopped talking, the congregation would be happy, Bernie.... It would appear to be a commandment to plant trees in Israel too. This is not in support of JNF. They have taken so much money from our children... Your tulips don't count. And they die... 'Shall' is a Torah word. And I shall continue with the lesson of not taking Kiddish before Kiddish... There are things you can't do. There are many commandments in the Parsha. (19:26-32) 'Don’t round the edge of your scalp’... It looks bad. And don’t destroy the edges of your beard... When you cut it you destroy it... Then go to a barber. You have no cutting depth perception. Have a normal beard for crying out loud. I don’t even know if the men here are Jewish with these short things... Good Jews have long beards and Payis. And no tattoos. I can say that most of our congregation is going to Gehenim... Your tattoos are messed up. They are the weakest tattoos I have ever seen... It's not a bike. You're not riding your motorcycle in a gang. It's a bicycle. Bicycle riders don't need tattoos... It's about being holy. Kadosh. Don’t mess up the Sanctuary. The Kadosh... Look at this shul. Baby carriages everywhere. Stand for your elders and honor their presence, ‘and fear Gd.' You can’t fear Gd if you don’t honor your elders and you look like an idiot with short hair, a beard you cut like a fool and a tattoo that says 'I like tulips.' Practice the commandments. This is how you are Holy. (19:2) As H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’ Be Kadosh. How can we be Kadosh... How about following the Mitzvot. I have to constantly tell you this. It's getting annoying already. Every week... H’ gives us stuff, we have to treat it well. Our elders... We have to keep our traditions. Our artifacts. We have to not have these kids taking those rolled up hard cookies with raspberry from the elders... The older people love those hard raspberry things. They're like Kichel. Let us remember our Kedoshim. Those who sacrificed their lives for us. Our holy brethren who put aside enjoyment for holy... There are certain things in life you do. And some you don't. You leave it for a while. Let us not get rid of an Aron. An ark that houses the Torahs... Why can’t we keep the Aron... Let’s go through things that don’t need renovation. Because you’re crazy and you have to change everything... We’re about tradition. This is not a community center. It's a shul. The ark is something you don't touch for more than four years... Your renovations disrespect our tradition, because you're doing them, and you do dumb stuff... Your kid's Bat Mitzvah with the unicorn theme... You brought a horse into the shul with a birthday hat on it... I am still trying to figure out how a paper hat is a horn. Why not renovate not having kids running around during the sermon. Let's start there... You're destroying the shul like you destroyed your beards. Did I just see a seven year old run through the shul... She was yelling, ‘Weee.’ I’m giving a sermon, Leah.... I don’t know what ‘weee’ means. I do not that it's your child. You don't parent. And that is why your children will end up cutting their beards and with tattoos of some religion out in Eastern China. Stop them for crying out... When they're not stopped, we end up with people like Ralph leading Shacharit. We are Kadosh when don't do stupid things, and limit our use to thank H'. We have to limit Ralph's leading services, because nobody likes his voice... He was waiting to lead Shacharit, Ralph. You didn’t let him in... You stood there and kept going. You knew he was there. Share the Amud (the Bima where services are led from). There is a reason for Gabais... You're not the Gabai. You just call up yourself... Taking initiative for yourself to do something that nobody else wants you to do is not Kadosh. Cutting off use to be dedicated to H' is Kadosh. You not leading Davening is Kadosh for everyone... Everyone except you... Moishie is not Arel Sifataim. He sings much better than you. And these dumb decisions leads us to a lack of pride in who we are... Of course I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be... How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is. How do you show up to ‘I don’t know where.' Did the shul board put together the parade?... The point is the shul board should not be involved in anything. They make bad decisions and mess things up... Maybe focus on ensuring the rabbi gets one of the lemon cookies next Kiddish. I have no appreciation for the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi lashed out at the whole congregation in the middle of his sermon when he told everybody to keep the Mitzvot. He went off for twelve minutes on how annoying it is to have to tell people to keep commandments. He was truly mad about not getting a lemon cookie. Then seeing a whole pile of them on one kid's plate. The rabbi said that was not Orlahesque of that child. To quote the rabbi when his wife said he shouldn't take it: 'That is an uncircumcised lemon cookie sitting right on that plate.' And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. Maybe it was for the security of the program, that nobody should know it is happening. I don't think the congregants would've cared to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there. And with the new security protocol of not telling anybody, the attendance at the programs was extremely low. It turned out to be very safe with eight people. The organizers are still not very happy that people didn't show. They said it was a lack of communal support to not be present at the events when they are trying so hard to make them safe and not telling anybody where they are. I think the not cutting stuff and not messing with your bodies is a good commandment. We have the most messed up looking congregation. They truthfully look like a bunch of hippies with short hair and no beards, in suits. No cause for peace. Just lazy people who made bad decisions when drunk. They honestly look well kempt. They look like people with good jobs. They look like bad Jews. I agree. They're going to Gehenim. Just having to sit next to them, I feel a bit of Geheniim. I feel myself getting warmer, like a fire is hitting me. They are truly throwing out everything. I believe that is what they mean by 'renovation.' To just get rid of anything in the shul that's meaningful. If they had the money, they would destroy the facade of the shul, as well as the Kiddish cup. I love that Kiddish cup. It's huge and four generations have drank grape juice out of it. Never cleaned it. They would knock down the whole shul for the sake of knocking it down. And they would call it renovations. Why? Because they’re the board and they have money and they want to make decisions. I think that's the reason. The kids are crazy and the parents blame the shul. They sued the shul for not having safe enough halls. They suggested the shul should have inflatable cushions everywhere. They want to turn the shul into a bounce house. The kids were running through the shul. I think it was freezetag. One yelled, ‘You missed me,’ right as the rabbi was letting the congregation know they were going to Gehenim. So, I think it was freezetag. It's now normal for kids to be running through the shul and hitting the rabbi, saying 'got you' during his sermon. I think the only way to deal with this kid issue is to have the grandparents smack their parents. It’s bad. Ralph just takes the Chazin spot and goes. The Gabai has never asked him. He just jumps up there. Everybody is too scared to say anything. Have you ever told somebody who is clearly doing something wrong, they're wrong. It’s awkward. What are you supposed to say as the guy the Gabai asked to lead? ‘The Gabai asked me to lead'? ‘Nobody wants to hear you anymore.’ ‘Do you not realize you have stolen this spot from everybody else.’ Last time they had to physically bounce Ralph. For saferty now, they have events and nobody knows where they are. This way, they are safe. The rabbi asked them to add to the announcements that members must also be removed from the shul. As part of renovations, he said that not having the membership will make the shul look much better. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXIII5/11/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.
That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)... I do believe that the stuff in that kid's hair is not Kosher for Pesach.
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Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day is upon us it’s time to talk about what makes Israel special. I love the Holy Land. It's amazing and holy. Here's a little ode to my love of the amazing religious Israel. A religious people in a religious land, with people who also live in Tel Aviv. Here is my prayer of ode. Oh. How I love thee.
Mitzvot permeate all, making everything beautiful. Even the Mitzvah of settling the land is done daily. People doing renovations in the apartment above me, I heard, 'Motik (sweetie). We are settling the land.' And I did hear them settling the land while I was trying to sleep. When the wife mentioned that their neighbor might be sleeping at 5:30am, her husband responded, 'Mikakel is getting Zechut for joining in the Mitzvah of us redecorating.' I missed Shacharit that morning. Yet, I felt connected to the land and my neighbor's investment in their apartment. Oh. How I love thee. My dear neighbors who leave their garbage outside my front door. As thou ist religious and must keepeth your home's entrance clean and holy. Voting is a religious duty in the Homeland. As the Shas party said, 'It’s a Mitzvah to vote.' I voted for Blue and White. I hope it's a Mitzvah to vote for Blue and White too. Maybe the Blue and White party have a rabbi that can get me into heaven as well. Oh. How I love thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to fulfill the Mitzvah of voting for my government many times every year. Oh. How I thank thee for fulfilling the Hechsher Mitzvah of disbanding the Israeli government. The sports fans in the Holy Land are religious. The fans sing 'Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach' when their team is winning, because they know what redemption looks like, and that is Beitar winning a football match. Oh. How I love thee. And I love to jumpith while I sing. Oh. How I pray Mashiach comes during halftime. Our Messiah will understand that it's rude to disrupteth the flow of the game. Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’i. Translated, this is Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Anything to not work. Most of the country takes off on Wednesdays. At least the workers at the post office aren't there when I need them. Oh. How I love thee. And I love to celebrate even if I must guess when thou ist open for me to pick up my package. Faith in H' abounds. The way people cross the streets, there is so much belief in Gd. I cross at crosswalks and look both ways. People put their head down and cross. No looking, middle of the road. Emunah is manifested. And the way people drive, the faith. Switching lanes with no blinker. Emunah. I grew up in America and I am still working on my faith. Someday I hope to have enough Emunah to not look when crossing a road. Oh. How I love thee. Driving and walking with thee hast helped me witness the presence of H' in our daily life. The Bible is everywhere, even at the zoo. The Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. Unique in all its biblical ways, with all the biblical animals like penguins. Oh. How I love thee. I love all the biblical animals thou exhibiteth in the Holy Land that one may not witness anywhere else in the Middle East, such as kangaroos. People quote Psukim. Torah is everywhere. When the mechanic overcharged me, he said, 'What is 400 shekels of silver between friends.' I thought that was a lot. I was fine with 400 hundred shekels. But the silver part brought up that bill. Yet, he quoted that Pasuk with a smile, and like Efron he took my money. And when he took my money, he smiled. I brought him so much Simcha. So much happiness. Oh. How I love thee. You bringeth a smile unto my lips when thou taketh my money. Nowhere else in the world do I feel good getting ripped offeth. You hear people saying stuff like 'HaKol Bidei Shamaim' (everything is in the hands of Gd). People who don't believe that work. They have jobs. Not us. We believe. And even the non-religious still take off Wednesdays. The non-religious still celebrate the holidays. Oh. How I love thee. And there is prayer. Tefillah is everywhere. The Land of King David's psalms. You hear people reciting Tehillim regularly. Especially when trying to cross the street. Focused on the prayer, meditating on the holy words of Tehillim. while walking. Oh. To thee. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already. Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office. To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival. We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate. You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word. Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city. The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad. When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting... I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel. (Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt... After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something... You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei... It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie. It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach. Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot... The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy... Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel. We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul... Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that. You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul... LaAzazel. You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem. I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious... To Azazel Bert. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel. I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though. The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah. Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat. I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more. We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later. The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier. I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings. The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad. It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience. Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming. But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Scene 1
INT - SHUL - DAY A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock. You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people. Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Sam (Out of Scene from the hall): They're so loud in there. Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening? Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call. Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls. You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation. The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated. Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. Member 3: Why is he talking so loud? Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him. Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?! Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell. Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project. There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again. Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha. Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me? Member 3: I think it's a grandkid. Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening. Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.' Scene 2 INT - SHUL - DAY After a full conversation with his children, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying. Sam: I didn't distract anybody. Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin. Sam: No I didn't. Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.' Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening. Member 1: That was disruptive. Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. The Chazin storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader. Sam: What's with him?! Scene 3 INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder. Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer. Member 5: Silence is relative to age. Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud. There is head nodding of agreement. Kibbitzer Conclusion When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven. And there is this scene from right when Sam comes back from the phone call, that got left on the editing room floor: Sam (can't talk softly as he wouldn't hear himself): I was talking softly. I didn't disturb the Minyin. Member 1: You were loud. Member 3: We all heard. You were yelling on the phone. Member 4: My Shema was kind of thrown off. Sam: I wasn't that loud. There is no way anybody heard me. Member 1: You're yelling right now. Sam: No I'm not. Member 5: So. Did your son get a raise? Member 3: He did. I heard that part. Member 1: You were louder than Max, when he walks in and says 'Hi' to everybody in the middle of the Amidah. Member 3: That's another issue. The silent prayer where we all hear Max. Member 2: Do you think Max heard that? Member 3: Max! Max doesn't respond. Max is loud in his silent prayers. Chazin is still leading services, and nobody pays attention to him. Member 3: No. Chazin (stop what he's doing and turns to everybody again): I am here. Trying to lead. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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At the heart of the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (the silent prayer that you do out loud) is the Kedusha. It's at this moment that the cantor, Chazin, Bal Tefilah, or guy leading the prayers that is louder than everybody else, has a chance to sing. So, they do it. Here are some key notes to help you pick the correct tunes when leading services, and to understand the tunes of holiness we use in our tradition.
Go Slow As the leader, you want the congregants frustrated. For this, you sing. Just when they think Davening will end soon, sing more. The tunes chosen should be slow and long. This keeps people in shul. It is part of the Jewish laws regarding suffering and how you are a better person if you suffer longer. During the Kedusha they can’t run. They have to stand in one spot in solemnity. You keep them longer there. If the song moves too fast, be sure to add NayNayNays. That can keep any song going for another hour or so. Slowdown and add NayNayNays. Songs to Use During Your Kedusha Many Chazins like to sing something catchy. This means 'VAtah Ba'anim Shiru' or the Black Eyed Peas' 'I Got a Feeling.' Personally, I'm a fan of the more sentimental Jewish songs, such as TLC's 'Unpretty.' 'A Million Dreams' is always a good one. I believe that song is Frum. Throughout the ages, Chazanim have worked endlessly to develop tunes for our prayer services. Forget those melodies. That all ended in the 1980s when Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock learned about the Beach Boys a decade late. Since then, as the pop charts have changed, Tefillah has developed. Hence, now we praise Gd with Nigunim by MBD, Uncle Moishy and Kid Rock. Fitting Words into A Song This is a developed skill. You have chosen the song. Now you must finesse it. No modern songs produced by Sony Music are written to Naritzcha. Shwekey has done well with these lyrics, why can't Sony put out an LP?! Bruno Mars is an excellent song writer. However, he has yet to have composed an Anim Zemirot melody. Or maybe he did. I think I heard it. It's confusing. Point is, you take whatever song and reappropriate it as Jewish with words that don't fit. I am sure the Etz Chaim Hi tune topped the charts in the Balkans in the 1520s. My woke friends have assured me reappropriating is OK if it's for spiritual reasons. For spiritual reasons, you also don't have to pay for the rights to the music. Naritzcha to Mimkomcha Chazins want to make the Tefillah more meaningful. Many have asked how to choose specific songs for specific parts of the Kedusha. You don't. You wake up Shabbat morning and go with the song that is stuck in your head. One Chazin was doing the Kivodo part of the Kedusha to Barnie's 'Brushing My Teeth On Top.' I believe they were trying to get their child to brush that morning. That is how tradition develops. Simon and Garfunkel has made it into the lexicon of Kedusha songs. Back in the '70s your average Jew woke up to the radio playing 'Scarborough Fair.' Hence, sung as tradition along with 'Sound of Silence' in many shuls. There are traditional cantorial melodies for these. But nobody uses them, because they're good. You don't feel the requisite pain of suffering if it's good. How to Fit the Words It's a challenge to fit five words into one note. Yet, the skilled Bal Tefillah does it with ease, and no concern for the melody. A savvy Bal Tefillah has the ability to leave the congregation in shock, wondering what he just did, while continuing onto the NayNayNay portion Bruno Mars did not anticipate. Here is the secret to all modern-day Jewish shul song composition. Syllabalize. As the Chazin, pick any song. Pick whatever song you want. It makes no difference. Then you fit the words into the tune. Any song works if you force enough words into a note. By the way, 'Kivodo Maleh Olam uMshortav Shoalim Zeh Lazeh' is one syllable. Make Them Wait Longer Musaf, the added prayer on Shabbat and holidays, is the perfect time to go off with more tunes. Focus on the Musaf's Kedusha. It is at this point that they have already been in shul for two and a half hours. The longer you can extend this part of the prayer, the more pain they will feel. NayNayNays must be added here. NayNayNays after three hours in shul adds to frustration and anger, and thus opens up the gates of heaven. Now that they think the singing is done. Don't stop there. There is so much more you can do with vShamru tunes and Modims during your repetition of the Amidah. And don't forget the Sim Shalom. That is your Shabbat morning finale. Go out very long. Better yet, repeat the word 'Sim' as many times as you can. That will definitely get them folding their Tallises. Want to add to the anger, get the choir backing it up with NayNayNays. You know you have done your job, keeping with the traditional songs of the Kedusha written by Pink and Bruno Mars, if people are folding their Tallises in a rage of anger and rushing to Kiddish. Next time we will focus on more Tefillah songs, such as those written by Men at Work. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.) Me on a date. Never sacrifice enjoyment when there’s meat on a bone... She took the picture. I asked her to. It was an excellent rib. I should have never let her go. She was definitely good at capturing the moment on camera.
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5/18/2024
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