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The Shul's communal Sukkot event will not happen at the shul. It turns out that the bouncy house Sukkah can only be used as a bouncy house. They tried placing a table in there, but found out that it flipped over when you walk. The shul is returning the Sukkah due to false advertisement of it working as a Sukkah. Next year, the shul will go back to the High Holiday traditional tunes people like. They thought it would be a good idea to try tunes that aren't enjoyable. The board didn’t realize that Jewish people like tradition when they're repenting for letting their ancestors down. It has more meaning to let your ancestors down with the tunes they knew. The shul will also stick to Machzor prayers, against board protest. The board wanted more English readings, but the rabbi insisted that the Yom Kippur service is not a choose your own prayer book. Next year we'll have a Chazin. People are mad they paid 200 bucks and got a second rate performance on Yom Kippur. Next year, people will get their money's worth. Yom Kippur will rock. A show with a lot of Kvetching. The board wanted a band, but due to sinning on Yom Kippur with breaking the laws while repenting for them, we're going to try to get an acapella troupe. We will have ushers for the appeals next year as well. People had no idea what to do after they flipped the tabs, and the rabbi said 'Ushers.' We are sorry for the awkward experience of flipping over a tab and then putting it back in your seat pocket. We advise everybody to not donate any money this year to the Israel Relief Fund, or the shul, as the people asking for the money may have stolen your donation cards from the pockets. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 32:1) 'Listen Heavens and I will speak. And hear oh earth the words of mouth.' You people don't listen. You never listen. Did you get the message from last week? And the week before?... Then why does the shul still have a board. Moshe knows the heavens and earth listen... It's not like talking to a wall. Walls don't listen, Bernie. And neither do congregants… Heaven and earth are witness. They’re always there unlike your kids that don’t visit. It’s the holidays. Still not visiting… You shouldn’t have to visit them. You're old. They should visit you… Witness that there were no ushers for the Yizkur appeal... They are witnesses forever. Witnesses that you say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. If they ever have to listen to another joke from Merv... Merv. You tell jokes and... I think that is what causes thunderstorms. The heavens hears your joke and a thunderstorm comes, and the earth is destroyed... It's your jokes... People hear it all. All is heard... They don't listen to you. You say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. Your kids don't. But the heavens do... The Davening was messed up... The heavens and earth are witness that we need a new Chazin... The heaven and earth are listening. The ‘Oy yay yays’ between paragraphs at Musaf were too fast… I don’t know if the earth and heavens could of heard that. I guess they don’t listen to congregants… You don’t annunciate. Groans don’t work. Groans are not penitent... Stupid stuff. The bouncy house Sukkah??? You can’t eat in that. Food’s flying all over. The heavens and earth saw the idiots trying to place a table on that... Be penitent for your stupidity... (Devarim 32:4-5) He is just and upright. 'Destruction is not His. It's His children's defect you crooked and twisted generation.' H' is just and righteous. I see you, I fell like I have to bend my head to get a decent visual... You're all twisted and crooked. Messed up... You guys make the mistakes... I can't go through all the stupid stuff again. The heavens and earth remember... Pinchas can't even find his shoes. Can an adult help please go out to the hallway and help him remember where he took them off... Saying 'Good Shabbis,' that's H' speaking. It's goodness. It's upright. If anybody were to help the elderly... You don't help the elderly. Uprightness would say to help. H'... The board messes up... Then where were the ushers for the Yizkur appeal?... H' does the right tunes. Our Chazin does these messed up Yom Kippur specials that he heard on new Miami Boys Choir CD... Nobody understands that stuff. It's twisted. Sing Mordechai Ben David. Upright Chazin singing... And the heavens and the earth have to listen to this?! If you listened to H'. Did a Mitzvah. Built a Sukkah correctly... You put the A plank next to the B plank. You stand them upright. Not crooked... (Devarim 32:3) 'When I call out the name of H' give greatness to God'... You can't even do that right. The Pasuk said to do it. You just sat there like a wall... Earth and heaven would've said something... At least say 'Amen.' Brought greatness... Even when you answer 'Yehei Shmei Rabba...' it feels like nothing. You're not calling out... Crooked and twisted... (Devarim 32:6) 'Is this how you repay the Lord, you disgraceful, unwise people?! Is He not your Father, your Master? He has made you and established you.' Look at this shul. Pathetic. This is crookedness. This is not giving greatness to H's name... I feel bad saying H' established this shul. It would offend the Smith and Schwartz family who cut the ribbon in 1972... From Chabad.org. Yes. That is where I get my translations. Is there a better translation?... They're all going to say you are doing stuff wrong as the president of the shul... I couldn't say it better than Moshe. You're a disgrace... And this is the Sukkah you build Him???!!! I know you eat in it… There were no ushers. How was I to raise money for the shul… They flipped the tabs and had no idea what to do. They thought they got out of it... The request letters are going to come as a shock... I know they always come as a shock. But this year, it will be more of a shock. When they don't pay their pledged amount, they will be more in shock that they pledged it... H’ would’ve brought ushers. He would've established ushers... Rashi explains ‘Disgraceful… people’ to be because ‘that they forgot what was done for them.’ When you forget what was done for you, you make dumb decisions. Hence the board, no ushers and the Chazin... And this ark cover. If you would remember what was done for you, you would give over decent jokes. You would have ushers, like the ushers who collected for all the Yizkur appeals years back that ended up collecting ideas for donations that were never paid, to go to the building fund. You would remember decent tunes and build a Sukkah that works to sit in and praise H,' to repay Him for what He has done for us. And we would praise Him normally with a good Chazin... Good Shabbis. That's H.' Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi was at shul for Yom Kipur. He said he wouldn't but he showed up. It was between his job and holiness. The rabbi used the heavens and earth to go off on every way the congregation is annoying. He treated it like a court case against having to deal with the membership. 'And the heavens and earth said they hated the congregants, too.' The congregants definitely cried when the heavens and earth agreed with the rabbi that their kids don't love them, and that's why they don't visit. It would've been great if the heavens and earth could talk. I believe they would be on the rabbi's side. Merv's jokes are a bit much. The rabbi really doesn’t want a board. That is clear. It seems the heavens and earth also don't want a board. The rabbi went off on each sin. He stopped and pointed to Bernie for half of them 'Who has been haughty... Let’s talk about the board.' Very smooth. He also went off on other congregants in a subtle manner. One was, 'Who has spoken gossip? Fran???' Stupid is the right way to describe the congregants. A bouncy house Sukkah? Even the kids got mad when they tried eating and jumping at the same time. Even Chaim said it makes no sense, as he was mad he couldn't eat his mom's brisket while doing a flip. I always wondered why the rabbi gave speeches. I now understand. The earth and heaven listen. At least he knows that. I can tell you the women who sit next to me don't. Kids not visiting their parents is a problem. Other shuls are packed on the holidays. Our shul is a loveless feeling of Shabbis. Truth is if any of the congregants would know how to cook a decent kugel, the kids would be here. When you don't teach the Torah of 'honor your parents' you don't get honored. Your kids have to hate you when they're young, hearing the lessons, in order for them to respect you when they're older. My kids complained all the time. That's why they visit now. To get back to me by sicking their children on me. With all that said. A decent kugel would bring the kids home for the holiday. Children are always happy to visit kugel. The rabbi ended up just quoting the Moshe. Great rebuke. He ended with a 'you are disgraceful.' The rabbi’s Kitel was stained on Yom Kippur. Really killed the appeal. He blamed the ushers, but it was also the stain on his Kitel. No ushers for Yom Kippur. That ruined the appeal. The rabbi looked pathetic. He announced, ‘Ushers now go around’ and nobody went. People just played it like something happened. It was messed up. But the rabbi went around after shul was over and collected the cards. People were angry when they got the bill. They thought they got out of it. As we learned later, the rabbi's Yom Kippur appeal was great. It was a message that spoke to all. ‘Give money. People died. Give money.’ He raised more than the shul ever raised. And there were no ushers. I am sorry I keep bringing up the no ushers. It was just awkward. Very not in sync. I don't know why we still do the appeal. They never pay. The flip the tabs and don't pay. It's a statement of 'if I would pay, I would pay this amount.' The appeal next year should be 'this is the amount of my previous pledges I will pay.' The rabbi led Musaf and did the announcements. It’s weird going from Chazin voice to page announcer voice. But he did it. He multi-tasked the whole thing after the Chazin refused to do tunes people liked on Yom Kippur. The rabbi chased him out and had to finish Musaf. The rabbi was teaching everybody the tunes. He spent extra time with the Chazins. They were practicing and they still got them wrong. Zevulun corrected them and took over the Chazin singing, from his seat. He was louder than the Chazin. I think that's why the Chazin left. I just hope they get the tunes right next year. Otherwise, there will be a lot of fights. Many congregants have been haughty lately. The rabbi gave a class on proper hand movements in greeting, to not put yourself above other people. You can’t cup the hand. Cupping the back of the head is considered abusive as well. As is pinching any cheek of somebody over thirty. No matter how old you are, you cannot squeeze for more than eight seconds. I have seen people shake hands to wish 'Good Shabbis,' and then their faces become bright red. They look like they're going to explode, proving their Jewish dominance. Other classes were given on when to sit and stand and how to do the ‘Nay Nay’ drone better. The rabbi also taught the congregants how to do a penitent groan properly. In order to properly drone and groan, you have to look sad and pathetic, like the shul's president, as the rabbi said. The ushers not coming around was awkward for everybody. If somebody would've said 'this is awkward,' the congregation would've stopped looking around for twelve minutes, and we would've been able to have continued with Yizkur. They should've at least found ushers between Kol Nidrei and Yizkur, but they didn't. It turns out, some down and out members took the donation cards for the shul, and asked for that money. They put their names and their addresses in the donation request letters. They figured that they were members of the shul, and thus, the money in essence would be going to the shul. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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No more Shofar blowing in the shul hallways. Benjamin. You know you can't blow. The Gabai didn't ask you to blow for the shul this year, for a reason. We also suggest you don’t blow with the windows open to your home either. Too much anti-semitism has been caused, due to your poor Shofar blowing abilities. Your neighbors already hear you screaming at your kids. Your children not helping take out the trash has already caused much hatred. If you haven’t repented yet, the rabbi will help you after services with the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He will tell you how annoying you are and how much God doesn’t like you right now. The message of the rabbi’s Shabbat Shuva Sermon will be, ‘If you listen to me and stop talking in shul, H’ might love you too… When you are thinking of sinning, think of what Bernie would do and don't do it. And listen to your rabbi.’ There will be no huge meals for kids in shul this Yom Kippur. These kids refuse to eat at school. They come to shul on Yom Kippur and gorge. The rabbi has decided it's wrong to focus on food when he is hungry. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 35:2) 'Six days you shall do work.' That means to do stuff... Coming to shul is doing stuff. It means don't be lazy. Don't be like the board... I worked on this Drasha. I worked, Bernie. I wasn't lazy... A message to you all to change. To not be you. This Shabbat Shuva, return to not being you... It's Yom Kippur. Just repent already. For crying out loud. Repent.. It's the Ten Days of Repentance. Focus... You need a year. Bernie... 'And the seventh day shall be holy to you, a day of complete rest to the Lord. Whoever does work on it shall be put to death.' How many of you are required death? That's not the question... The question is how to be holy. Holy. When I come to shul here, I feel like holiness has been taken from me... The way you guys drone the davening. Holiness gone... You kileed my Rosh Hashana... Moshe gathers the people and this is the first thing he says to them is to keep Shabbat... Telling you to rest is easy. You sleep all the time. The problem is you come up with ideas when you rest... Why can't the board just rest. Do nothing. Is it that hard to understand to do nothing??? To not ruin the shul??? Just rest and do nothing while you're resting. The Chazin should rest on Shabbat. Please… All of your work kills the shul Are we proposing death to those who come up with dumb shul ideas?... Moshe's talking about Milacha. Work done for the MIshkan. Doesn't mean to not walk to shul. The board is lazy and does stuff… They should have nothing to do with Shabbis or the shul. They should do other stuff. Stuff during the other six days... Stuff that doesn't have to do with the shul. You're a board. Start up a grocery. Anything outside of the shul. If you treated the week holy. Maybe showed to Minyin. I would understand your laziness, Mark... It's not holy to not help… In the board’s case it is. 'Holy to you.' It shall be holy to you. You've got to make it holy... By not being around Bernie and the board... Yom Kippur. The day of total rest. The day where we must be cleansed is coming. Viduy, confession, is how we repent. Regret, confession, and saying you will never do it again. I understand it's hard for Bernie to not be himself anymore. But that is how he makes it holy... Total rest would be for us to not have to deal with Bernie. Atonement... There's a time for everything. A time to sleep... That's not during the sermon. Michal. Yom Kippur is a time to fast. A time of total rest. A true Shabbat. I will not be here. On Yom Kippur... A day to fast. To repent for your messed up help… I understand they're kids. Fasting though… They should fast a bit. Last year, Shmuli pulled out a brisket. It’s not fair to those who are fasting… The kids don’t need a catered Yom Kippur lunch at shul… We want them to enjoy the holiday. I understand. But maybe focus on them enjoying Sukkot and Simchat Torah, and cook a decent dish for once... Work before the holiday. 'Six days you shall work' Rachel. Mike and Rachel. Work before Sukkot to put together a decent dinner for the kids. I know the Chazin kills it for us all… You can't sleep through that stuff... We rest to repent. Think about where we went wrong. Atonement. Repent for your bad shofar blowing. It's pathetic Benjamin. It’s embarrassing... Every preShabbis you scream at your kids… Then shower Thursday night. We know the hot water runs out on Friday. But you don't need to scream at all the kids... I've had your neighborhood showing up to my office, asking if 'shower' is a Hebrew word meaning 'I am going to spank you'... They didn't know if they should report your preShabbis showers to the authorities... Child services should come to shul and run youth groups. (Devarim 35:5-6) 'Take from yourselves an offering for the Lord. Every generous hearted person shall bring it... gold, silver, and copper, and blue, purple, and crimson wool. And linen and goat hair. And ram skins dyed red, tachash skins, and acacia wood. And oil for lighting, and spices... and shoham stones and stones for the ephod and for the choshen...' Nowhere does it say a community quilt... We will be putting in the Yizkur appeal. Offer money. Nobody wants your leftover books... Anything in a cardboard box should not be donated. I you sealed it when you were moving. Don't donate it to the shul... If it's an old cracked shofar... Why did you give it to the shul?... You don't have room in your home for a shofar?! If you don't have room in your home, the shul doesn't want it... It's not generous to have a garage sale and then to drop off what you couldn't sell. Repent for that donation, Bruce. For that donation, not being holy and not keeping Shabbis... I can't explain the Ephod and Choshen now... It would say 'you are wrong'... No. Don’t donate a quilt… There is a list. A list of what to donate. Don’t come up with your own ideas. It kills the shul… This is a message for the board. And stop volunteering. Do useful stuff... You're wise. But not wise-hearted. You're booksmart. That doesn't help with building the shul's Sukkah... (Devarim 35:10) ‘All wise-hearted among you shall come and do as H’ commanded.’ Talented people… He can play the violin. He’s not making violins. Is he? We love Menashe. We just don't want him volunteering... There is a reason the Torah doesn't say to volunteer the other six days... Because it's a job that nobody wanted to hire you for. There's a reason. There's a reason the board is messed up. All volunteers... Repent for volunteering... Know your talents. Volunteering is not one of them. That is what you have to do this Yom Kippur. See your talent and focus on that. Stitching is not your thing. And you have no idea how to work with acacia wood… The president’s talent is not leading our congregation. Show up and rest. Just rest correctly. If this congregation learned how to rest right, we wouldn't have to deal with messed up stitching and quilts… The Torah says the wise-hearted. This Torah cover is not wise. Get rid of all non-wise-hearted... It's better off than having a board. Shabbat Shuva is now here. Repent. Repent and don’t do anything. That’s it. Don’t do anything. That is your Mitzvah. Do nothing… Just learn to rest… Don’t do stuff. You ruin it. Everything you do is a sin… It kills the community. Confess for trying to help. Scary Simanim are not a way to help. The Rosh Hashana fruit and vegetable signs for killing enemies scares the kids. You scared the kids at the Rosh Hashana Seder, Shlomo. Telling the kids to that our enemies should die like a lemon... They don't know that a lemon is a messed up car... They're afraid to eat cantaloupe now... Pinchas ran, screaming, 'He's got a cantaloupe bomb'… A stroller parking area would be smart… Don't help... It's not work to help. That's volunteering. If you're not wise-hearted volunteering is a sin. As the Chazin. Don’t make Yom Kippur more painful than Rosh Hashana… It's a day of rest... I can't repent when I'm thinking about killing you... Rivka’s Rundown That strong message of 'don't be you and repent already, for crying out loud' didn't touch the congregants. They figured they won't feel bad anymore. After feeling bad every year and still sinning, they realized they're going to mess up again. The law of confession hasn't worked for the people of our shul yet. They said that their resolutions to not do are never followed. Sidney said that he has said he'll never eat chocolate again. Every year. And he eats it every year. He now said that he'll never do proper confession again, as he believes 'it's wrong to have a commandment to lie.' The whole sul did repent for volunteering. And they agreed that none of them have a decent talent for stitching. It was discussed, and the board agreed that nobody is talented. Doing stuff ruins the shul. That’s the message of the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. It's also the rabbi's message for Yom Kippur. Do nothing please. That is how you do Teshuva. You repent by not doing stuff. If the congregation would do nothing, we would be better off. Other congregations, with talented people should be encouraged to help. But our members just ruin everything. Even the new paint job on the youth center is messed up. I think the rabbi wants the board to do stuff. Just not with the shul. Outside of the shul. It's just a beautiful message that our congregants need to hear. 'Stop volunteering. The shul would be better off.' If they did something helpful during the week, OK. But on Shabbat. They just kill everything. And the artwork. We have a lot of very untalented people doing that stuff. They don’t buy it. They paint it. They think they are the wise-hearted called upon to bring fingerpaint to the shul. And the walls are messed up. The new youth lounge walls. And it's not the kids painting. It's parents who think they are helping. The rabbi had to write a letter to the congregation defining what is helpful. And none of it had anything to do with anybody from the shul participating. Though he did say that money is helpful. Don’t be you. That’s how you repent. That was the message. Don’t be you and don’t help. Please. I hope the parents of the youth get this message. The Chazin kills the shul experience for the High Holidays. He'll never repent for focusing on the words and bringing out the meaning with song. So painful. The shul created a stroller parking lot. That was the only good idea. Donating that sign was useful. And I think it was made from acacia wood. In Youth groups, kids expressed how fearful they were of eating fruit, after the Simanim. The signs are scary. After the congregants didn't show up for the second day Shacharit, due to fear of sleeping after eating gourds and saying that enemies should die by a witch who has a nose like a gourd, it was decided that our community isn't ready to curse our enemies with vegetation. Rosh Hashana dunking of the apple in honey is now the only shul Siman tradition again. The scary Simanim have scared the kids too much. Getting them back to Kiddish and eating carrots dunked in Chumus will take time. The High Holiday seats this year are messed up. They moved everybody around. It's like musical chairs for this board. Nobody was in their Makom Kavuah, set seat. There's a reason it's called a set seat. I think they feel that it will lead to better decorum, to have people sitting in 'not their seat that they paid for.' One of the board members is a teacher, and they said that it's better for classroom management to mix up the seats sometimes. She said nothing about the High Holidays and shul, and people getting angry and starting fights. I don't think she teaches eighty year olds who've been sitting in the same seat since their Bar Mitzvah. When the congregants show up on Yom Kippur, when three quarters of the membership pops in for their yearly visit to make sure their parents are in the Yahrzeit book, they will not be happy. They won't just be asking what page we're on. They're going to be asking where their seat is, and how their family's seats got lost. What a dumb board. Who loses family seats. I think they have to bring back the lifetime memberships. How they got rid of the first ones is an anomaly. To get the members to pay for another lifetime membership, will be a tough sale. Some people are happy they have no seat. They hate their lifetime seats anyways. They’re happy the lifetime memberships are now gone. The High Holiday between paragraph moan was by accident. Bernie was sitting and it just came out. It was a perfect drone. And then he fell back asleep. Shofar blowing was off. An eight second Tekiah Gedola. A letdown. I will be surprised if anybody comes to shul next year. Chazin was new. Did tunes nobody knew. Mark protested and started singing the correct tune for Areset Sifataynu after the shofar blowing. The community spoke up. The Chazin tried doing his tune. One woman said, 'Keep quiet. This is our tune. We don't need you.' The Chazin was silent the rest of the time. You couldn't hear a thing. It was the only time the rabbi smiled all Rosh Hashana. He’s not going to mess up the vChol Ma’aminim prayer again There was no Kiddish on Rosh Hashana and nobody came the second day. Rabbi’s Sermons for Rosh Hashana: Talked about how Avraham did the journey and fulfilled his part of doing his Mitzvah of the binding of Yitzchak. And how nobody in our shul even walks half a mile to shul. He then said that H’ can stop stuff, like congregants being annoying. But even so, we have to do our part. It's the journey of the Mitzvah and having to deal with Bernie. And even though he's been dealt a messed up shul and board, he does what he can. So he still get the Mitzvah, even if they can't paint. He then said that people with disabilities get the reward for the Mitzvahs they can do. And pointed out that nobody in the congregation at that moment had a disability and they are just lazy and unhelpful. There was a Frum Jew there for the one of the sermons. The rabbi used the word Hishtadlus, so the other guy wouldn't think we're Apikorsim (heretics). The rabbi tried throwing in Yiddish, but all he knows is Zei Gezunt. He said Zei Gezunt thirty times. And the other guy the Frum Jew thought our rabbi is an Apikores. Truth is he used it well when the guy sneezed. I think that's the right time to say Zei Gezunt. The rabbi is onto something. I've noticed that the smart people in the shul always throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish word. When you use Hebrew or Yiddish, it’s a proof. Once they use that word, they win the Halachaik argument about Jewish law. Even if it’s not Torah, just throwing in a word like 'it's a Bayit SheNofel' wins you the argument. I know that was more than a word, but I needed it to make the point. They said 'a house that falls' in Hebrew, and the argument was over. They won. They were discussing how long the Shofar blow was. Nothing to do with houses. but it was Hebrew, and with the Brooklyn Yeshiva accent, it sounded Yiddish. He started this new way of preaching where there is a call for action. He treats the congregation now like a social media post. He also used props the next day. Thank Gd that stopped after a while. He was bringing huge props. One speech he brought in a twelve gallon pot of Matzah balls, to show how important it is to feed people. His back went out, and he stopped with the props. Thanks to the board's new focus on youth there's nothing for old people. All they talk about are the kids. Old people are not wanted in the shul's new programs, and I think the board is going to cost the shul a lot of money lost off death. If you can't tell people that one of their family members died, you can't pull in donations. I believe they’re trying to find members that don’t lick their fingers before turning pages. The pages of the Siddurs have been hard to move recently. It's quite disgusting. And I see them licking their fingers to turn the pages. And the Haftorah on the first day was messed up. Charles didn't prepare. He messed up so many words, but people were cheering for him at the end. He came out of the Haftorah like a champ. After the Pesukim about Chana, when he went into the Brachas, he had gustto. No self-awareness. Just went out like a star. And nobody understood the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. The whole idea about resting on Shabbat being not resting, went over everybody's head. And the board still messed up the shul. But they were all mad at the Chazin. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Shofar blowing will take place at 10:30am, or 9:45am if the rabbi's Drasha is shorter. Or 12pm if he goes on again like last year. People are allowed to time the Tekiah Gedolah. We just ask that nobody get too excited if the rabbi's blast lasts longer than sixteen seconds. High fiving and screaming 'what's up. Did you see that???!!!!' is not proper in shul; especially when others are praying for their lives, knowing that there's a good chance they're written in the book of death, as the rabbi mentioned. Please note: stopwatches are forbidden on Rosh Hashana. The Shabbat Shuva Drasha will be sponsored by the Minkowitz family who likes it to be advertised whenever they give money. Next Shabbat, the rabbi will talk about stuff most of the shul won't understand, to ensure we all have a meaningful High Holiday season. That should help all return in penitence. From now on, everything in our shul will be a program. We will not do Shabbat dinners anymore at shul. We will run Festive Friday night programs, with festive food, with confetti popping out of potato kugel. As Jews don't practice tradition anymore, we understand that we have to practice programs. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Please sit down... Nitzavim. Stand here today before H' in judgment. In prayer. Not during my sermon... Just sit Bernie. It's rude... (Devarim 29:9) 'You are all standing before H' this day.' Standing means they're there. Not sleeping through the sermon... They showed up to shul. This isn't a game of Simon Says... You would all be out. I didn't say 'Simon Says.' Sit. Standing means sitting before H'... Because it's rude to stand. Standing means they were there. They showed up to shul. Not just when they were scared they were going to be written in the book of death... They came when it wasn't the High Holidays. And the sanctuary looked like it had members. (Rashi) Moshe brought everybody to enter them into the Brit... That's a covenant, Fran... Moshe brought the whole of the Jewish people. I would say that he would've left out our congregation. It's almost impossible to get you guys to show up to Minyin. If you never show up, you're not in the covenant... Because you weren't there. This isn't the whole 'and the ones who aren't here today.' It was talking about the future generations... Showing up for the shul picnic doesn't count, Mike... Everybody. was there. (29:10) '...The your young children, your women, and your convert who is within your camp both your woodcutters and your water drawers...' Where are the shul water drawers. We can't even get anybody to help with Kiddish... The sisterhood does nothing. And we definitely don't have any woodcutters. Everybody was there. They showed up. They were there. The Gabai didn't call up Rafi to the Torah and then have to figure out where he was... Rafi was there. All were included. They weren't snobs. They were accepting, unlike the members of this shul that are anywhere from 25 to 70... They looked at you and say Hi. People wanted to be around them... People don't come, because they don't want to be around you... We want to keep our kids out of shul... Their young kids were not loud and annoying back then. Their parents watched over them. Made them behave and shake hands... Your kids walk around and don't even return Good Shabbis calls. Rosh Hashana, we will be blowing the Shofar with everybody here... Except babysitting. Exactly. Last year the kid cried a sixteen second wail. Nobody talked about the Tekiah Gedolah… They were focused on finding the pacifier for Tanner. How that kid is Jewish with that name.... Think about what you want to do as people. As a nation. As yourselves.... With the water drawers too... I understand they don't pay full dues, and you make it a point to not look at them to say Hi... Chances are you're in the book of death. I know you. You deserve... Repent. That's all I'm going to say. You're shallow and snobby, and only show to shul when you're worried... That was for Kaddish. You had to come... Rosh Hashana is not a program. Which is why the board was against having services this Rosh Hashana. Being a good Jew is not a program. Standing is not an exercise program. We're not playing Simon Says... Sit. And work on your squats at the gym. You stand for Kaddish, Kidusha, when the ark is open, then you sit back down. It's for services. For tradition. Not for reps. Everything is now a program. What happened to tradition? To services?... It's pathetic, and annoying. I don't want to dance a Hora at a Shabbat meal. I want to eat, like our tradition says to. Eat and get heavy... You cancelled Tehillim and made it Tehillim education… You do stuff. you do Tehillim. Doing stuff is more educational. Especially than going to classes with Fran... Now we've got this new youth director. Everything is education. No services. No practice. Just education... The kids hate it. No kid wants education... For youth, you do programs. Programs like 'Keep Shabbat for Once.' Or programs like 'It's a Holiday. You're in Services. Keep Your Mouth Shut'... We have a Chazin. That's painful enough... The whole shul is turning into a beginners service. An explanatory service. So now we have festive Friday night explanatory dinner programs... Conversation is a Jewish program. Why not just have conversation?! What is this Friday Night programs the board is running?! Festive?! Is there going to be graffiti jumping out of the potato kugel? This year, you should live as Jews. Let the year be a program of keeping Mitzvahs... Yes. That is a Bracha. Keeping Mitzvot and doing good deeds is a blessing. Even if it's not a program... Standing before H' as a people, and entering the covenant is not a program. It's a way of life... You are sinners. If you showed up once in a while... Just show up. And you can be part of the covenant. Here's a Siman (an vegetation omen for the Rosh Hashana meal). Our enemies should have to deal with our board... That's a curse. That and they should have to show up to programs. It's about being together. Standing as one... Not being the sinner, like Frank and Jessica, who bring everybody here down... but they stand with us too... Oy. God. We have suffered enough with programs this year. May we be forgiven as one, and never have to deal with the board again... The Minkowitz family is sponsoring the Shabbat Shuva Drasha next week. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi ended with such a beautiful Bracha there. A Bracha for all of our people to stand together. As he said, 'It's only as one that we can receive the Torah and the covenant of our people. Which is why we're revoking half of our congregation's membership.' Some guys were working out in shul. They felt bloated from all the meals they had this past year, and wanted to get in exercise before Rosh Hashana. They were doing reps. Literally. The ark wasn't open and they were doing box squats on the chair. One guy yelled, 'You got a few more in you.' No 'Amen.' Just 'You got a few more in you.' And then there was a grunt instead of the yawning High Holiday between paragraph moan. I've got to be honest. I can't stand these congregants that sometimes say 'Hi' and most of the time turn the other way. A bunch of snobs. It's like they need something when they say 'Hi.' If they don't say 'Hi' all the time, I don't like them. Social climbers. Is it a classy thing to not say 'Hi' to people? I don't get it. If you smack them, do they then turn their heads and acknowledge you? The rabbi and the board worked it out. He is not threatening them anymore. He just gets to not show up to the classes and programs. Some classes have had no presenter. I think the rabbi has been skipping his classes. He is rightfully mad that they have substituted tradition for programs. The rabbi hates the new Tehillim education. Just do it. That's his motto. His and Nike's. But he says it's his. The festive thing is annoying. Can't have a decent dinner. Colored paper flakes flying out of the brisket and we have to dance the Hora around the table. I just like decent conversation. I am with the rabbi. Conversation is a good program. The rabbi started a Hilchot Teshuva class. We learned the Rambam’s laws of repentance. He said that was tradition and not a program. The board was against it. And the rabbi said the board is required to come, because they are all sinners, and he can’t stand praying with them. He also said they have not concept of tradition, and a Jewish youth director should be Jewish. An amazing Shabbat Shuva Drasha. And it wasn’t even Shabbat Shuva yet. Not many sources, but everybody listened once the rabbi told the congregation as a whole that they're all probably in the book of death. It definitely will help bring more Kavanah to Rosh Hashana davening. Every Drasha by our rabbi is a Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He goes off on how messed up the congregants are and how they have to not be like themselves. It always feels like Yom Kippur in the shul. Which is what makes it so spiritual. And nobody understands some of the ideas the rabbi speaks of, which always makes it more spiritual. The rabbi's sermons can throw off shul timing sometimes, even though he blames the Chazin. I believe he spent a good half hour telling everybody that they need to hear the shofar to not die. Such a message. The water drawers are people too. It really spoke to me. The rabbi likes the people who don’t pay dues. They come to shul. By the rabbi mentioning the Minkowitzs at the end of the sermon, he raised a lot of money for the shul. As the office told the Minkowitz family, 'That was product placement for you.' Nobody remembered the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. They remembered the Minkowitz family name. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Tavo9/18/2022
Announcements
High Holiday seats are being sold right now. First class seats are on sale as well. We're going to be bringing in foot rests for the plush seat section. We will also be serving pastry and alcohol to people with first class seats. Though we pushed for it, the rabbi won't let us serve snacks on Yom Kippur. Even if you pay extra money, he won't allow for it. You must purchase seats, even if you purchased lifetime Yom Kippur seats. It doesn't count anymore. The lifetime is up. Lulav and Etrog sales are going on now. We suggest everybody pay a lot. This way, you can get heaven, and we can pay for the shul's new Sukkah renovations. No more flatulating in the middle of the services. People find it hard to concentrate. There have been many complaints about Reuven. If you haven’t noticed disturbed congregants sitting in discomfort, you have not been paying attention to the back left of the men’s section. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Entitled Congregants... (Devarim 26:1) 'And it will be, when you come into the land... take from the first fruits...' There are rules. When you come in, there are rules... Shul needs rules too. When you walk into shul, you come in properly. Without talking to everybody... They probably cleaned their feet in Israel. Maybe kissed the ground. On the shul trip to Israel, I was the only one to kiss the ground... It's not dirty. It's Holy Land... I know people walk on it, but it's holy... You don't have to shower if you're holy. Ever been to Jerusalem? Holy people... 'Take from the first fruits…' It's not yours. It’s God’s. That's the problem. You all think it's yours... The first Aliyah is God's too... I don't know why we give it to a Kohen. The point is that none of this is ours. We have to acknowledge it's God's. Other than the artwork from the Minkowitz family, which is hideous. And the pathetic community quilt. And the new renovations to the front of the shul. Other than that, and the young couples of the shul. Everything else is holy, and God's... The High Holiday seats are not yours. The best thing you can do on the High Holidays is give your seat to a poor person. When you come. Nobody wants to come to shul because people are flatulating… I understand it’s an open space. How are people supposed to concentrate on the Amidah when you have flashbacks everytime Frank bows... Got to wait 20 seconds. But for your flatulence... It's disgusting. It has been spreading throughout the shul from the back left. People squeeze their faces. I've seen nose finger plugging... (Devarim 26:5-8) After giving it to the Kohen, you talk about how you were slaves. You talk about how bad you had it, and how H' saved you and gave you this opportunity. It's about appreciation. Hakarat HaTov. Acknowledging how amazing your rabbi is... Flatulating is not a proper show of appreciation... No. This isn't a meal in Japan... The Bikurim statement ends with 'I have brought the first of the fruit of the ground which you, O Lord, have given to me'... Your garden is nothing without God... Even the lilies are nothing without God. It all comes from God... You acknowledge that with the first fruits... Why have you never tithed? You think it all comes from your work. I have seen you work. You deserve nothing... It's not hard labor to say 'I am related to the boss...' (Devarim 26:11) 'And you shall rejoice with all the good God has given you.' After you acknowledge that you're not a selfish congregant. Appreciate what H' has given you. After you are not crying about you having to be the one opening the ark... You can rejoice. When you realize you have done nothing... You've done nothing. You rejoice with everybody. When you're not selfish, you can rejoice with all. Sharing is how you rejoice. When you share your Legos Chaim... When you don't flatulate, all can rejoice and enjoy... After not being selfish like Fran, you can all rejoice. You give poor people a seat… Poor people don't deserve Lulavs and Etrogs. Those are expensive. Tonight is Selichot. The start of Selichot. Do Teshuva. Don't do you. Don't be yourself. That's what you have to do Teshuva for. That and flatulating in shul... It's a land flowing with milk and honey. Not Bernie's gas.... Need first class seats? Are we davening in an plane? You can’t even pray on an airplane anymore… Used to be able to stand in the back and have a Minyin… Since they stopped that, antisemitism has gone down in numbers… Though, they’re still mad that Jews get the first meals. The nonJews don't rejoice at that... They give the Jews the first meals... That's not a law, to bring those to Jerusalem. You bless God before eating them though... Start with doing Teshuva. Then we can rejoice. Rivka’s Rundown First meals on planes causes a lot of Jew hatred in Topeka. Sukkah renovations are the only kind the rabbi supports, as he doesn’t have to see them for more than a week. He even suggested to use the community quilt for a wall. I believe he is hoping the weather will kill it. It does smell bad in shul. I think that showers should also be a necessity during the summer months. Showers and no flatulating. Kim started a shul laundry service. It’s part of the Chesed Fund. The Holy Land conversation the sermon brought up had everybody discussing purity and impurity and fights about women's rights came up. The rabbi said that women can kiss the ground of Israel too. They almost fired the rabbi for suggesting that poor people deserve seats in shul on Yom Kippur. People were mad to hear that the lifetime membership seats were not lifetime anymore. Discussions of what lifetime means were had. Many congregants were deemed not alive anymore. So they had to sit in the back, in the Keter plastic seats. Saying ‘the lifetime is up’ had a lot of people worried that they were going to be written in the book of death this year. The board decided that a lifetime is ten years. After extensive meetings, the board decided that burping in shul is also wrong. As is chaching onto pages to turn them. I believe the chaching on the pages was a financial concern. Old members caused us to have to purchase eighty new Siddurs last year. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Teitzei9/11/2022
Announcements
No touching people’s arms in the middle of a conversation. Many of the older men are using this technique to keep people in conversation, forcing them to listen to the rest of their jokes. It’s abusive and it must stop. Getting people to want to listen to your jokes with intimidation is illegal and assault. We are proposing listening autonomy. If somebody doesn’t want to listen to Merv, they don’t have to stay. We're going to start sending out a weekly announements of what members are doing. Hearing everything about the community members is important. It’s important to know where they go shopping. So we are going to start announcing it on the shul’s webpage. To note: The Finkelmans go to Kohl's regularly. Kroger grocery shopping by the Blumenbergs is done every Wednesday. Melvensteins bought a yacht. The board will from now on make all decisions. We're letting you know this, just in case you want to join another congregation. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Captives... I understand the Chazan is taking way too long. It's painful... When you take a captive... This shul has taken me captive. The board... I am a prisoner to this long Davening, and a president who thinks the shul needs a another Mechitzah, because he has money for renovations... How about you don’t paint the shul pink. Fluorescent colors don’t belong in a shul… One Mechitzah is enough. Ba'al Tosif... If I have to explain adding onto Mitzvot. The only addition to Mitzvot you do is adding a Mechitza. That's because you can't stand your wife... How about you add the Mitzvah of not driving to shul on Shabbat... I'm a captive to your sinning... Merv holds people captive in conversation... Merv. Let them grow their nails first. Before telling them jokes... Ki Teitzei Lamilchama. When you go to war with your congregants… (Devarim 21:14) 'If you don't want her, you shall send her away... but you shall not sell her for money. You shall not keep her as a servant, because you have afflicted her.' You have afflicted me. Let me go with a good pension. She was afflicted. You killed her family. The least you can do, if you don't desire her, is to let her find another man. If a rabbi doesn't desire a congregation... You still pay his pension... If you take her captive, you have treat her well. The way you've treated me... You treat people right. That is what the Torah is teaching us. You don't make them listen to bad jokes. Every day... It's about treating people well. So they don't have to deal with a board... (Devarim (21:15-17) The son of a despised wife you have to treat well... Even if you despise them. I treat your children well... It could be because of personality. Maybe even ugly... You don't lose your birthrights to a double portion because your mother is ugly. We treat the Melvinthal family very kindly in this shul.... (21:20-21) You tell the leaders, ‘This son of ours is wayward and rebellious. He does not obey us. He's a glutton and a guzzler.’ Annoying kids you don't have to treat right... You teach your child to tattletale... I know you do. I see them at junior congregation... Can I just say that junior congregation is messed up. Why is there a board there?! These kids should not learn about congregation life. It will kill everything about Yiddishkeit... Let them learn to love the traditions without a board... And why did you all cancel the Tehillim group??? No tradition. Just programs. Eating and drinking for no reason. 'A glutton...' I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Any child who doesn't listen to their parents, and eats too many Stella D'oro chocolate holes, stone him... Too much Kishka, where I don't get any. Whack them... You share at Kiddish. I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Some Bar Mitzvah boys need more than a fruit jelly thrown at them. That's how you keep people in line... Merv keeps them listening in conversation, with force. We have a wayward board... Yes. You have to warn them. Myself and the Chazan have warned them... Stone the board... You like this, because it's complaining about your kids. It's like sitting at a board meeting... All you do is complain. We should pelt the parents. If these kids listened to you guys, as parents, they would be wayward... Why mention the son now? The rabbis say it's because when you marry these people you get a wayward child... Either that, or if you send them to junior congregation here. I have seen how messed up these kids are... The Bima is not a jungle gym. It's where the Chazin Davens from... It's the board. If you have a board like Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, you have wayward children. When a congregation talks Lashon Hara all the time, you have wayward children... They think they can talk about everybody, because all you do is Yent... If your spouse heard you Yentaing, they wouldn't have wanted to marry you... No wayward children speaking Lashon Hara... Marry good people. Go to Israel and meet somebody. Rivka’s Rundown The main theme to the rabbi's sermons is that he hates the board. I picked up on that weeks ago. If we got rid of the board, Mashiach would come. That was the lesson at the rabbi's class last week. The rabbi is not a fan of the new weekly bulletin about what people are doing. I think it is less because of Lashon Hara, and more because he can't stand the people. He definitely hates the board. I do like how he took Yenta and turned it into a verb. The rabbi quoted Chazal, or 'the rabbis.' When he does that, he doesn't know the source. He could've just said he doesn't know the source. But he said Chazal. He could've probably just looked at Rashi. He thinks it's less lazy to say Chazal. The announcements always have misspellings. This week, they misspelled 'announcements.' Family names have no chance of normal spelling. They stopped dedications, as too many members were mad that their deceased family members were given different names. And they wonder why people don’t donate money to the shul. They’re donating in other people’s names. The Minkowitz family is giving millions, and the Minobergs are getting the credit. The rabbi is trying to make money off the shul again. This time everybody is worried he is claiming abuse, as they have taken him captive. I think he's threatening a lawsuit. The board is worried. Merv is worried, and scared to tell jokes. Fluorescent colors in the shul is messed up, and abusive to God. Whoever put up the fluorescence should be stoned. I'm a captive to neon lights. The Melventhals are not good looking. But they are kind people. Thus, the rabbi is nice to them, and doesn't make fun of they way they look. The new announcements about what people are doing has added a level of excellent gossip to Kiddish. More people are showing up to shul now. The better this new weekly announcement about member activities, the more people show up for the commentary. As we have learned, shul is about numbers. The board has discussed getting rid of the Mincha service, so that there is more of an evening cafe-bar focus in the shul. The rabbi is at war with the congregation right now. He is defending tradition and decent babkas at Kiddish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Shoftim9/4/2022
Announcements
From now on, all Onegs have to have everybody from the congregation. We should all share the same amount of communal depression when we delight in Shabbat. Strollers have been covering up the entrance of the shul, people have been complaining they can’t get into shul. This is not the reason there hasn't been a Minyin for the past three weeks. It's just that people who haven't shown up have used that as a complaint. As they haven't been to shul, they needed something to complain about. To note: We've had more than forty kids showing up on Shabbat morning, as they don't have to join Minyin. To reiterate. As we have reiterated every few months, we figure to reiterate here, again. There are too many strollers right at the door. We know parents don't care. Otherwise, they would move one of them to the side. We don't have a stroller parking area. Though, we're trying to figure one out. Pushing strollers in the sanctuary is wrong, even if the child is crying and you're trying to get your baby to sleep. We've told Mrs. Heimowitz to stop. Clarification, as parents will complain: We're not saying to not bring kids to shul. We're suggesting there are too many of them. Please choose your decent kids. Many of you have children that are not right. Any kid that attacks other kids for candy, and rips up their Shabbat pants jumping on the floor at a Bar Mitzvah, should be kept away from people. Especially if that kid is coming to shul in a stroller. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom Selfish People with Kids... (Devarim 16:18) We need Shoftim and Shoftim. We need police and judges in our shul... We have a bouncer guy... I understand he's security, but he scares people. He's a bouncer... Too many arguments with the Gabai recently. We need a judge to ensure that his calling up Binyamin for an Aliyah is not illegal according to Jewish law... I don't think violence against the Gabai is called for. Though, sometimes he deserves... We need policing to ensure baby carriages don't cover up the shul's entrance... Yes. It's dangerous. If people can't get in, can they get out?! The strollers are a fire safety hazard. And no more trying to get your baby to sleep in the middle of shul... I understand the carriage is not in today. That's good. Though, you've been walking around burping the kid the whole Shacharit... Nobody wants to see you bobbing up and down... You've been bouncing and dancing. Do you not realize what you look like when you are holding your kid... You look like a fool. If you did that bopping dance without a kid in your arms, it would be messed up. If you did that at any other time... I have never seen that dance... I used to watch Soul Train... (Devarim 16:19) 'You shall not pervert judgment.' You pervert... The board perverts everything. Every decision they make is a perversion of Yiddishkeit... Then they're just bad decisions. They're fools... (16:19 cont.) 'you shall not show favoritism, and you shall not take a bribe, for bribery blinds the eyes of the wise and perverts just words'... There's a lot of perversion in this shul. Just perverts of shul life... I don't know how much the Minkowitz family is giving the shul... There is no reason Sol Minkowitz's picture is placed next to the rabbis of honor row. It is a perversion... You are all led by money. You want to look good for Minkowitz. It's pathetic... You also want to be popular... You're going to tell me that Minkowitz getting an Aliyah is not favoritism? He got called up to the Torah... Felsenblum got Galilah. Rolling the Torah is pathetic... That's an anti-honor in shul... Yes. Opening the ark is an honor. Galilah is a task... Fred doesn't keep Shabbis either. Why doesn't he get an Aliyah?... I know he doesn't have money. That's what the Pasuk is saying... Jumping at the candies, and yet sitting in strollers... Make them walk to shul. It's a perversion of childcare. Perverted people... If they can whack other kids to get candy, they can walk to shul... Burping your baby in shul is a perversion. (16:21) 'You also shall not plant an Asherah. '... Not just idol worship. Even planting this tree. I've seen some of your gardens... Messed up plants growing on your homes... The siding of the house should not be a flower bed... It's horizontal... The front of the shul, messed up now... (cont.) 'Any tree near the altar of God, you shall not plant for yourself.' That garden in front of the shul is not for God. God never said, 'Plant me lilacs.' You don't plant or build on the Temple Mount (Rashi)... Because you would mess it up with lillies... H' doesn't need your bad taste at His place of emenance. Your gardens are messed up... That's why H' says to just leave it brick. No plants... A little respect for the shul. Can I say that... Listen to me???? Why? The Torah says so. (Devarim 17:9-12) You have to listen to the Kohens, Levis and judges. Everything they teach you, you shall do... 'And you shall guard to do like all that they teach you'... I teach you... Yes. I teach. You don't show up to the classes. How many times have I taught you to put on Tefillin correctly? Every morning, it's off to the side. It looks pathetic, Frank... What I teach is Torah... I've taught you where to put the strollers. You don't listen... A perversion of stroller placement... The man who doesn't listen, 'he shall die, and you shall remove evil from your midst...' Which is why we should get rid of the board. I am not saying that the mothers that put the strollers in the wrong place should be stoned. Though, it's evil.... Nobody wants to see you burping your kid in shul. It's against what we teach, and it's a perversion... Did we not learn that we shall not take bribes, because it affects our actions? It affects our decision making?... Taking bribes is a perversion. Against what we taught. Should the board be stoned?... These candies are a bribe. Coming to shul in a stroller. Can't walk... Your kid jumped out of the stroller and bit other kids for the taffies. No child would show to youth groups without jellies... It's all bribes. All of you have messed up concepts of what is right and wrong, as you have been bribed. You are trying to do what is right for other people. Not for God. No moral compass. You move a stroller like this... And that is why we need Shoftim and Shotrim. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi started showing everybody how to move a stroller. He mimed it. He then started miming a fake wall, and a rope pull. If the Minkowitzs were burping their kid in shul, everybody would say it was cute. Everybody in our shul is a pervert of money and popularity. They all want to be part of the cool crew. That's how the cool crowd gets good seats for the High Holidays. I'm stuck in the bleachers. They cool crew has front row seats. They can hear the Kah Kaylee prayer. Many congregants would like to remove the strollers from the shul. Others believe the kids are an integral part of Minyin. We had one week with no kids in shul and there were no interruptions. Kids love coming to shul. The people that chill in the hall also love coming to shul. I think sitting in the sanctuary when you're in shul really kills the shul experience. Many of the board member are trying to reconfigure shul to be a place where there is no shul. They feel it will bring more people to shul. The rabbi's new method of addressing the annoying people he's going to be speaking to, in the beginning of the sermon, is brilliant. This way, the congregants know he's addressing them. They really do look like fools, walking around with their kids. with that bobbing dance. An oneg with all the congregants would be painful. Fran truly depresses people. Inviting all the congregants is the correct thing to do. The same rule holds true for Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. Having all members at the Simchas truly helps the congregants feel the exile and the destruction of the Temple. The rabbi is now working on a Halachik work (Jewish law) to address the issue of Gabais and when physically attacking them is OK. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Re'eh8/28/2022
Announcements
The yearly shul kickoff BBQ will take place next Sunday. Our shul begins the Jewish new year with Labor Day. Not Rosh Hashana. Nobody will help with cleanup at the BBQ. We thought we should put that in the announcements, as that is part of the yearly event. No help from any congregant. To note, we don't consider manning the grill to be a help. That's hanging out. We don't need eighteen people manning the grill again, this year. Members seem to be planning for holidays already. Holidays are a month and a half away. Calm down. The board doesn't seem to care about the holidays. Seats have not been assigned to lifetime members. There wasn't even a Yizkur appeal. Please don't care yourselves. The Lulav and Etrog will come when the holiday starts. Please stop asking about the Hadasim and Aravot now. The willow branches never make it through the first days of Sukkot. They won't last two months. We are trying to tell everybody to calm down, as the rabbi doesn't want to answer any more questions. We will not be taking sacrifices. Though we are called a Temple, we are not the Beit Mikdash. All sacrifices must be brought to Jerusalem. Please ask the Israeli government about it when you get there. To answer any other questions you have, we will be sure to get donation for people who have passed away, around the High Holidays time. Please keep that in mind, if you come to shul. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin... Rosh Chodesh Elul is upon us. The month of repentance. And you have a lot to repent for... Do Mitzvahs. For crying out loud. Do Mitzvot... Why?! You want to get cursed? You want Milka going off on you?... (Devarim 11:27) A Bracha if you follow the Mitzvot… Why this has to be spelled out. Have you ever seen a Mitzvah chart? You never see, 'Yankel got Mitzvah points for hitting Esther'... If you sin, you get cursed. You don't get gummies. Why do I have to spell this out every week? (Devarim 11:29-30) The ‘Bracha on Har Grizim and Klalah on Har Eival... Are they not on the other side of the Jordan????' Why Moshe has to give a geographical lesson. Does nobody know where the Jordan River is?... I just find that none of you study. You look to me for everything... I have to spell out everything for you. The Bracha comes when you do the Mitzvot... Do something. Try to do a Mitzvah. Just one. Something decent. Something kind. Maybe hold a door open for somebody. Something... Then look back. You open a door. You look back... I know that sometimes you have to stand there for a while. I waited eight minutes for Hymie... It was twelve feet. I didn't know somebody could take so many steps and move so little... You have a lot of repenting to do. This shul is full of Eival... The board. The back left... I think the new kid's name is Eival. That's how bad this shul is. One of the families named their kid a curse. They knew that they would bring their kid, and he would have to sit with Bernie… Eival... It's a curse to see him. (Devarim 12:1) 'These are the statues and ordinances that you shall guard to do in the Land God gave you'... All of them. The Mitzvot. Every one of them... Not just the one about not being jealous... We're not negotiating here. You have to keep the Mitzvot... Bracha. You guard them... You want the Mitzvot flying around or something? You guard them. Take care of them. You don't want them stolen... Stealing is Asur, Bernie. It's forbidden. You guard the Mitzvot... It's all Eival here. Even the community BBQ. Eival. You do the Mitzvot right and guard them... You keep them like they're supposed to be kept. Guarded. Without Sharon talking the whole sermon... (Devarim 12:5) You bring the sacrifices to Jerusalem... It's where H' chose... Sacrificing in other places is idol worship... There are correct places. You pray in shul. You don't talk the whole time... You don't practice stealing on vacation in Florida... That was a BBQ. Not a sacrifice. The shul BBQ was messed up. But that was because nobody helped... Helping is a Mitzvah. The place to do that is at shul... Yes. You bring cattle to Jerusalem too... You can travel with cattle. When? (Devarim 12:7) Eat it there and 'you shall be happy.' That's how we know it's done on the Rigalim. You're happy on the holidays... Yes. A commandment to be happy on holidays. A commandment to be happy... I know it's hard for you. With these people around, it's not easy. But it's a blessing to be happy... We're Eival here. Nobody is happy here on holidays. Nobody is happy here ever. I've seen you onegs... The pain you suffer on Shabbis does make it look more religious. But it's painful. It's a curse. Eival The holidays are coming up... No. I am not happy. I have seen what you guys are planning for the Sukkot decorations. A pumpkin in the Sukkah doesn't make me happy... And then the Yom Kippur program??? A Yom Kippur program?! It’s called prayer... You don't need a program for prayer, other than prayer. Programs don't draw people. Less prayer does... (Devarim 12:8) 'Don't do like that which we do here today. Every man what is right in his eyes.' Look around the shul. Do nothing like that which you see here... It's not a board, Bernie... Everything. What is right in your eyes. You guys barely pray. You decorate Sukkahs with carpets on walls. It makes no sense. The shul needs a new carpet... When everybody does what is right in their eyes, we get a community quilt... It's pathetic. It's Eival. We see what goes on in our shul when people do what they think is right... Right in their eyes? The purple and pink Tallis. It clashes. Our Tish... It is the most messed up Oneg Shabbat. Only harmony. No melody... Because you all do what is right in your eyes... That's the curse. That's Eival… Your ideas are Eival… We are at Eival, singing a messed up harmony... I like to call it 90 solos at the same time.... The BBQ has 18 different style hamburgers. None of which are done well... Buying Hadasim and Aravot two months before Sukkot... What is right in your eyes, is messed up God's eyes... I have to sacrifice for this shul. That's why I vacation in Jerusalem. Don’t do like that which we do here today in our shul… It’s messed up. The Siddurs are all ripped.... It's Rosh CHodesh Elul. Do Teshuva. Do what is right in H's eyes... For a Bracha Bernie. Finally. A blessing... Bernie is an Eival. Rivka’s Rundown It was good that the rabbi could give such vivid descriptions of curses and Mount Eival with Bernie. It made the sermon more educational. I believe the rabbi wants Bracha in the shul, though he considers the shul Eival. I think the rabbi meant to say ‘evil’ the whole time. Eival was his code for calling people evil. Eival is actually the name of the death metal band the Gabai plays bass for. Them performing at the Purim Seudah last year was a bit much for Sadie. The rabbi called the congregation a curse. Milka comes to shul and just curses people. Milka loves cursing people. She usually curses under her breath. I appreciate it more when I hear her curses. The whole sermon, she was cursing out Bernie and the board. She gets into the rabbi's Drashas. I like how the rabbi called us all sinners to start the sermon. It reminded us how bad we are, as Elul, the month of repentance is coming. The rabbi should start each sermon with telling the members their sinners. It prepares them for the his weekly message. The message is that we're sinners and we have to do Mitzvahs. I think every sermon is about how we don't do Mitzvahs. Looking back. That is the theme. The rabbi tried scoring another free trip to Jerusalem. It does look more religious to be sad and not happy. My first time at Anshei Emes uSefilah, I thought it was extremely orthodox. More than ultra-orthodox. It was extreme. Extreme is more than ultra. Then I realized they're just very mad and not happy. When I found out the Mitzvah of being happy on holidays, I realized the members are not very religious. I think they get mad around holidays time. They don't like cleaning. That announcement about money for death scared a lot of people away from coming to shul on Yom Kippur this year. I think appeal cards scare people. Though people came to the program. Due to the rabbi's sermon, the Yom Kippur program this year was no praying. It was a half hour discussion about sinning. Many of the members shined at the discussion. They knew a lot about sinning. Definite sinners. The 'no prayer' advertisement drew tons of people. It was a huge hit. They got more people than the rabbi had in the sanctuary. To draw more people to the Yom Kippur program next year, they're thinking about serving refreshments. The rabbi is right. People doing what is right in their eyes is how we ended up with the messed-up chapel with the ark facing out on the Mexican side. We face Mexico when we pray. I know one couple in the shul is praying for a decent Pesach hotel down there this year. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Ekev8/21/2022
Announcements
Ripping people off at garage sales is forbidden. The rabbi said it's Asur, along with Bernie asking questions. You can't sell your garbage and call it an antique, cause it's too old and has no use. It's called a faulty sale (Mekach Taot). We understand you don't want wicker chairs. That doesn't make them antiques. But no lying and saying it's better than plastic. The shul day camp was not a success. Just wanted to report something else the congregants did that wasn't successful, thanks to the board. We're cutting back the rabbi’s office hours. He offered to drink coffee with people in his office. That was a mistake, along with being the rabbi of the shul with this congregation. His caffeine levels are too high, as he’s developed a relative addiction. To help him wean off coffee, we’re cutting back office hours and meetings to a half hour a day. The rabbi also offered to drink tea, before we let him know that has caffeine as well. He didn’t know that. The Mountain Dew meetings have also stopped. He thought that was like Sprite. The board has decided to leave out all the names of ancestors from the Yizkor pamphlet, unless the family paid, as they figured that will offend people the most. The board wants everybody to know that death is only important if you donate it. Fulfilling the idea of stomping on Mitzvot, as Parshat Ekev tells us it's because of the Mitzvot we stomp on that we are rewarded as a people, the board and the new president want the members to know they're not important. The new president, who joined last year, decided to also charge entrance to Minyins, as people haven't paid dues. Shacharit is now a $15 entrance. If anybody doesn't pay for the right to say Kaddish, they will be bounced from the shul for heckling the performer, or Chazin. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants Who Sin... (Devarim 8:1) The Mitzvot are so that we will live and inherit the Land... You do stuff to get something in return... Nobody here has ever done a favor for anybody without hope of an inheritance. Why anybody says Hi to Bernie, Hymie and Fran... You haven't visited your mother-in-law, because Medicare took all of her money... You were trying to get a deal on the microwave and fan at the garage sale, Sarah. That's the only reason you smiled... (Devarim 8:2) We're told to remember the desert were we were afflicted and tested. I remember everything this congregation has done to me. The pain you've caused. I have been afflicted by a board... We were in the desert for 40 years. In harsh condition. That's how God sees if we're going to serve Him. He could've just had them spend a Shabbis with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei EMes ESefillah. If they were here with Bernie, Sarah, and the board, they would understand... Was Bernie in the desert?... Being your rabbi is harsh conditions. God knows I’m committed. It was harsh conditions. It was like camp... They were all living on bunk beds, Michael. The stuff they had wasn't as bad as the stuff you were selling at the shul's garage sale. If they would've had the stuff you were selling, that would've been a test... A black and white TV??!... The wicker is full of mold. The wicker was afflicted with Feldstein... You can get mold off wicker. Wicker attracts mold and the Feldstein affliction stays. Sell better stuff. Plastic doesn't get mold... Haggling with Bernie is a test. There was no board in the desert. That's the only positive. The Jews were tested, but not like me... Grandma Faye's broken lawn chair is not an inheritance.,, When things are hard... When we needed to set up for the annual dinner, you ran. When we you had to pay for your kids to go to the shul's camp, you ran. You even stopped coming when the shul realized you were only coming to see me for free coffee... The shul lobby was like a free Starbucks... Running because the board only cares about death. The president... The one sitting to my right... Yes you. Plaques and the Yizkur pamphlets are their inheritance. You can't take that away. They were afflicted with this generation. Give honor to those who are not with us anymore. H' protected us in the desert and He chastised us like a father chastises his son... Similar to the way Mark screams at Rafi. Yes. It's simple. Follow rules... I know that nobody here does. (Devarim 8:6) 'Guard the MItzvot of H' to go in His ways and to fear Him.' That's all you need to do... I chastise you, because the parents do nothing in this shul. They let the kids run around. This is why we go to Israel. To practice the Mitzvot and fear H.' It's moving back home... I know the Feldstein kids ran. I get it... No. Michael. You've got to get out of the house already. And same for you Reuven... Rachel's parents love having her at the home. That's different. She respects her parents and takes out the garbage... House rules. She follows them. And she even sold some of the garbage at the garage sale. (Devarim 7:17-21) 'Don't fear any of the nations'... When you practice Mitzvot you don't have to worry... We have to worry about the building fund, because nobody follows the rules here... Mitzvot are rules. Commandments are rules. We have shul rules that you don't push strolers through the shul... You put names in the Yizkur book. 'Be broken' are the words. You won't break me. It's in the desert that we learned not to fear. After being here, with this congregation, I fear no one... Why do you think I developed a caffeine addiction???! Dealing with... You will not break me. You do stuff because of a relationship. You trust in God. We built that relationship in the desert. And hence, we're ready for an inheritance. You trust, and you don't fear others... If you would've sent your kids to the shul day camp, they would know bad conditions. They would understand they have to give something to the relationship, other than ruining the shul's walls... The hallway is not a bouncy house. You smile at people because they're good to you... It's a relationship. I'm not talking about when they try to sell you wicker... You give deals at garage sales... You light up plaques and put people in the Yizkur pamphlets. They dealt with this congregation, and didn't break. Their inheritance is those plaques. That's our relationship with the past. Not with this president... It's a relationship. They paid their dues. They showed to Minyin. They respected their rabbi. They sent their kids to day camp. You sit with the rabbi. It's a relationship. You show up to day camp, to support. You don't rip off people with messed up bedding at a garage sale... It's not about the inheritance. You do it, and you will get the inheritance... If you need to pay for a plaque, you do it... I understand that you were trying to sell your inheritance at the shul's garage sale. Maybe if you remembered the desert, you'd smile at people and be kind... You don't need an inheritance from Mark... He's not even related to you... Smile at him, because it's a shul rule. It's a Mitzvah... Names go in the Yizkur books... It's a rule. And then people give money. If people just did their part... We had to skip four Aliyahs, because nobody did their part... I understand the president is now charging up front... You hit them up with envelopes afterwards. That's how you get their inheritance. Nobody goes up to the Torah for an Aliyah, to pay... The Jews show their commitment doing Mitzvot. Do those in harsh conditions and show your worthy of the inheritance. If you can practice Mitzvot around the heretics sitting in the back left of our shul... What do you do? How do you show your commitment, to be able to inherit this shul?... I’ve dealt with you. Rivka’s Rundown I think the rabbi was claiming the shul as his at the end of his sermon. He said he dealt with enough here, and that he keeps the Mitzvot. The rabbi looked at everybody and told them they will not break him. It was like he was sticking up to the bully. He turned to the president and reiterated that he won't be broken. The rabbi doesn't like the president. He says the president thinks he's running a business. He doesn't get it. Businesses don't have this much money. You have to be a nonprofit to have the money we have. He's firing people. He's charging for everything now. The president even went over to Sadie at Kiddish and told her, 'That Kichel will be three dollars. Rugulach are four a piece.' After dealing with the board, we know the rabbi is committed to the shul. The rabbi gave his sermon in three minutes. He talked real fast this week. I think the coffee is getting to him. The rabbi made it clear that his relative addiction is to caffeine and it's not an addiction to his relatives, as he doesn't like them well enough. The Mountain Dew meetings were a bit much. The garage sale was messed up. They wanted to sell a lamp for eighty dollars because it was their grandparents' lamp. They said it's in the same condition their grandparents gave it. Their grandparents broke it. We have to respect our ancestors. The rabbi made that part of his new charter. He called it the Torah. Having children that are the members of the shul now is an affliction they all suffered before they died. They deserve plaques. The rabbi gave the best fundraising advice. You do stuff to honor those who passed, you get rid of the president, and then they'll give the money. Then the shul ends up getting the inheritance. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The singles dinner for Tu BAv will take place next week. No singles signed up for the dinner tonight. We realized that charging money chases single people away. We also learned that they're not good at committing to anything. For this reason, the event will take place next week, with no commitment from anybody. We were advised that the exact numbers we should cook for is 'a lot.' We will host them instead, so they don't have to give anything to anybody. They're not used to giving. No more Carlebach Chazins. No more jumpers. We need to be able to find you. From now on Cantors must stand at the Chazin’s podium. If you're leading services, you cannot end up in somebody's seat, or somewhere outside the shul. There are Yahrzeits in the shul this week. Don't worry. The office will send you letters to make sure you donate money. All deaths are logged for financial reasons. If you're single, please get married. It depresses us to have to see you in shul. You would look less pathetic with a Tallis or head-covering. Please. For the sake of the children of the shul and their hope for a decent future, get married. The parents of the shul are having a hard time explaining you. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Congregants and Single People who Don't Pay Dues... The word 'VaEtchanan' comes from Chanun. Compassion. When Moshe prays to God, he is asking for His compassion. The same way I ask for compassion from my congregants to not bother me... who can't figure out what a Shoresh is... It's the root word, Bernie. Chanun is the Shoresh of VaEtchanan... Every sermon, I have to give a five minute course on what the Parsha is... Go over the Parsha. If you listened at Hebrew school... Pray for the single people. They need your help. Single people need your compassion. Look at them. They're pathetic... Moshe wants to go to Israel and H' tells him no... Moshe listens, unlike the board, who feels that baseball games is what the community needs... We need a Minyin. We need people who donate money when there's a Yahrzeit... Bills! Bills, Bernie. (Devarim 3:26) Moshe tells the people that H' told him, 'It is enough for you. Speak to Me no more regarding this matter.' I tried telling this to the board, but they're not religious. Why can't I get the congregants to stop asking me questions... If you listened, we would've had a normal singles event... I know they can't commit. That's why they're single. Your questions regarding fundraising. It's too much. Somebody dies. You make money off it. They die and you ask the family for money. It's not hard. You don't complicate it with candle light vigils... I told you we need a cantor who will get through the davening. You bring a guy to sing Carlebach songs. We can't even find him half the time. He's hopping all over. Speak to me no more regarding this matter. Rashi quotes Sifrei who translates 'Rav Lecha' (too much for you) to mean that 'you have much.' I know single people have nothing... We have a lot. Those who aren't single have a lot. A great family... We have to understand that, and see the good we have. We can't go jumping away from the good, adding to stuff all the time. Be happy with what you have, unless if you're single. Single people have very little. If anything... Just stick to what you have... The Feldsteins have very little... Everybody talks about how pathetic your home is. Even the single people... We have a beautiful Tefillah. The prayers are amazing. Accept what we have. We have beautiful prayers. The congregants have no idea what they mean, but they're beautiful. We can't have a Chazin jumping away from it. We lost the Chazin. He was a jumper… Middle of Lecha Dodi, where did he go?! That’s what we were trying to figure out all last night... We were happy to see you this morning. We thought you got lost in your jumping… The Carlbeach Chazin is too much… He jumped off the Bima and ended up somewhere in the corridor… You stay on your stage. We had no idea where you were. We thought we lost you... You have a spot. You have much. It's a beautiful spot with a podium. Stay there... We have people who love baseball. A great shul fantasy league. We have much. The congregants have no idea who Pinchas was. They know who Vladimir Guerroro Jr. is. We have much talking in the middle of Davening... H' tells Moshe to go up to the top of the Mountain and see it. Sometimes you have to notice that there's a future. You accept your spot in this world and you give to the future... Bernie. You've done enough. Sometimes it's time to move on... (Devarim 3:28) He tells Moshe, 'Tell Yehoshua to be strong and courageous.' He tells Mosh to pass the leadership on... 'Strong and courageous.' The only advice I got from the board was 'watch out for Bernie'... You support me. You don't tell me to watch out for the membership. You don't tell me that you'll be a thorn in my side... Like Moshe gave Yehoshua the correct advice, give the single people decent advice. Not hand-me-downs. Help them get married... I know Tu BAv was yesterday. Give them hope... Even if it's a lie. Tell them they have to be strong. Go to the gym and work out to meet somebody. These people are so out of shape in our shul. You can't meet anybody if you're weak... To our single people. Be strong. Start working out. And you might have some courage... They have very little to offer. Why is everybody wearing white?… It's the Tu BAv tradition to run to the fields too. You're not running. You're too out of shape. Very not strong... You’re married. It's not showing solidarity with the single people to wear white. You're stealing their dates. Single people are supposed to wear the white stuff. The women wear it and the guys know they're single. And you don't even cover your hair. How are the single guys supposed to know to not hit on you... The ring is tiny... We know the Feldsteins are poor... It's all too much. This whole shul is too much. Be happy with what you have. Don't make it too much. Even at the baseball game, you all ate so much... We have so much in this shul. Stop sharing ideas with me. It's annoying already. See all the stuff we have. Maybe open the Chumash and go over the Parsha... So, I don't have to explain everything, Bernie... Have compassion on your rabbi and stop asking so many questions. Rivka’s Rundown Second week in a row where the rabbi's message was that the shul is too much. He's correct. The congregants are painful. The shul doesn’t pay the bills. That's why we still have a building fund. Forty years running. A building fund. They built the building and didn't have the funds. We've had a thermometer outside the shul for the past forty years. I think the rabbi was too honest with the single people. They did mess up. They know it. They spent their post Tu BAv crying about how they have nothing. It's hard to know who's single in shul. When you're in the middle of the Amidah (Silent prayer) you don't know who to hit on. We need married codes. The problem is the members aren't religious enough. If they were, we would see Sheytels. Those wigs are clear. A real Sheytel lets you know that's a married woman. When you see twice the amount of normal hair on somebody, you know they're married. I think we need tags. Modern people will wear tags. They won't cover their hair. We don't have to worry about the men. Nobody hits on them. The men in our congregation look awful. I think the rabbi told Bernie it's time for him to die. Between us, his kids won't give anything to the shul. They probably won't even buy a plaque. The Chazin was jumper. Very good height on his bounces. The rabbi truly was worried we lost him. He even sent a search party out before reading the Torah. They did eat a lot at the baseball game. And they begged for more. They wanted more. They were praying for more, and the rabbi had to tell them ‘it’s too much for you. You’ve had a lot.’ This is part of the reason they're out of shape. The fantasy league is a bit much. They have a chart in the back of the shul showing where the congregants are placing in the fantasy league. They took down one of the memorial plaque boards for the chart. They said their ancestors were baseball fans. It's an embarrassment. The men can't figure out how to call up anybody for an Aliyah, but they have the order of the fantasy standings down. They have no idea what their parents' Hebrew names are, but they can name every rookie in the National League. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The Tisha BAv food drive is going to take place on the fast day itself. We know that you give food you don't like. Disgusting food, like peas and carrots. So, the Chesed people aren't worried that it'll make you hungry. We’re also looking to encourage poor people to mourn with us, and we believe that your food donations of canned vegetables, and bad purchase like almond butter, will help. The break-fast will take place at the Schwartz's home. Hopefully they'll cook something decent this year. We did tell them that nobody likes ground chicken schnitzel. They apologize for last year’s chicken schnitzel fopaux. They said they’ll be sure to not grind up decent food this year. We are going to have Effie do Anim Zmirot from now on. He’s the best kid and he has proven to be the most violent. The Gabai doesn't want to get between the fourth-grade boys fighting over who is going to lead services. He has a family and needs to stay healthy for them. The cause of baseless hatred is taking too long with Mishebeyrachs. We understand you want to bless your family, the shul, your neighborhood, all of Klal Yisrael, the Olam, and all of your cousins by name, but people want to eat Shabbat lunch. From now on, you can’t steal more than twelve minutes of davening with one Aliyah. The board has decided that if you're wealthy enough, we can wait. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People… I was late. I was stuck behind Herman. He’s a very slow walker. Then, I made the mistake of holding the door for him… Herman. You caused Davening to take another forty minutes this week, when you went up for your Aliyah… We had to wait for you to get up. Walk faster… Then get a better walker… You made us wait in shul too. You should’ve skipped the Mishebeyrachs. Those blessings for your family were way too long… There’s a certain point where you don’t bless everybody by name… Like your friends in the office… You just make us wait, Herman… And Bernie is worse… (Devarim 1:6) H’ tells the Jews, ‘You’ve been at this mountain long enough.’ ‘Rav Lachem’ are the words used. ‘It’s too much for you.’ ‘It’s too much for you to be here.’ Couldn’t dwell at Har Chorev. We were in shul way too long today, thanks to Herman... It felt like we were dwelling here. THat's the length. Too much. They were at Sinai long enough. At some point, it’s too much. God wants you out. Move on. Get out… Yes. Reuven. You’re now twenty-eight years old. Get out of the house… It’s your parent’s house. 'It's too much for you.' The proper way of telling people you want them out. Being at this shul is too much for me. Twelve years with you. Pain… I understand H’ may have not been talking about pain. I’m talking about how painful it is… There’s a certain amount of time where it turns into pain. The third month in this shul… Topeka is too much for you… 'It's too much for you.' That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past twelve years... It's a proper way of trying to get people to leave, Bernie... The Mishebeyrachs are too much. Too much for this congregation. Not all of your kids can lead davening. Just Effie…. It’s too much. Too much fighting. Too many messed up Aliyahs by the Gabai... It's too much for you. I've told the Gabai this for years. Can't get rid of him... This all causes hatred. We have Tisha BAv tonight. And there is hatred because of how you act at shul. The Mikdash Miat. The Small Temple, and there is so much hatred. It’s all too much. Can you imagine what happened when the Gabai called up the wrong lamb for the sacrifice?... It’s too much for all of us. It’s too much for the Schwartzs to host. They can’t cook…. As long as there's split pea soup and croutons, that's all you need... Need the soup nuts and split pea soup to break the fast... Tradition. What does 'too much for you' mean? In this congregation, it means 'I can't help out.' If cleaning is needed after Kiddish, 'I can't help out... I've got to leave my paper plate on the table.' If Herman needs help moving, 'I can't help out. I'm sitting.' If Tzedakah is needed, 'I can't help out. I worked overtime last week. That's my money. I can't pay dues either...' Rashi quotes Sifrei and explains ‘Rav Lachem’ to mean that God has given the Jewish people ‘much greatness’ at the mountain ‘as a reward for having lived there.’ H’ gave us ‘the Mishkan , the menorah… the Torah… Sandhedrin, and leaders.’ At some point, you have to move on. It's too much to baby you. H' has already given you enough here... I have given so much to you. Please leave. Sorry. I mean to say, 'It's too much for you'... When you become passive, it’s over. You can't depend on me for every little thing. Move on. Stop bothering me with your questions. It's too much… You need to learn something to move on… You don’t have a Mishkan… Is this a Tabernacle, Bernie?... You don’t show up to shul… Your parents should’ve taught you to cook. You can move out now, Reuven. You should’ve learned how to daven… Getting rid of some of the membership wouldn’t be bad... Chorev is Sinai. Learn something… It’s painful dealing with you. It’s too much to explain everything to you… (Devarim 1:12) Moshe goes on, ‘How can I bear your trouble, your burden, and your strife all by myself?’ That's how I feel. You're a burden... No strife? Have you heard Harriet at Kiddish? And then the Sheytel committee???!!! Strife. Rashi translates ‘trouble’ to show that the Israelites were troublesome… You do follow tradition. And that is beautiful. Yes. It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You don't care about your leader. That's why its too much for me too. When Moshe brings up the idea of having other leaders, (Devarim 1:14) the people responded to Moshe, ‘What you say is good.’ Like they wanted him out. I get the feeling you’re ungrateful… Did you ever say, 'Rabbi. You know. Maybe you should have the honor of opening the ark for Anim Zmirot.' Ungrateful... I can take Effie... It's all too much, because you mess things up. H' realized that it was enough at Har Sinai. The people took what they could... You become complacent. Do messed up stuff. A Tisha BAv food drive. Why is everything a food drive?... I understand that Chesed is the big thing now... I think that mourning the loss of the Temple is much kinder than giving a poor person food on a fast day… It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You're a burden. You even cause strife with poor people... They're taking this messed up food you give them and now they're mad at this congregation... Yes. They're saying it's not enough. Tu BAv, the holiday of love is coming up. I hope you are less trouble... You're Shidduch for Shaindy last year was messed up. Too much... Take it easy on the singles. Your messed up Shidduch ideas are too much... Forget about the fact that they live 3,000 miles away and don't speak English. You suggested a bouncy house. A bouncy house?... I understand that Campy Castle is fun. They're thirty-five... When something is for two and up, you look off going at thirty-five. Especially when you're single. It's wrong... Put the singles in your Mishebeyrachs. You can help the single people... Oy. It's too much. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi just gave up at the end of his sermon. He even threw up his arms as he left the podium. It seems like a large part of the sermon was the rabbi trying to get the members to leave the shul. He wanted them to leave Topeka. To never come back to our city again. I think he feels that our congregants are too much for the county. The rabbi ended up composing a new Piyut, hymn, called 'It's too much for you.' In the Piyut for Tisha BAv, he has an acrostic that says 'The members of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah are very annoying.' It’s hard hearing it from your parents. Can you imagine hearing God tell you it’s time to move out? I don't know how Reuven would take it. I do think he would still stay. He hasn't left his parents house. He's still there. Reuven has to get out of his parent’s house. Nobody showed up for shul on Tisha BAv. They showed up for the break-fast. The fasting is too much. And nobody helped the Schwartz family set it up. It was too much for them. People really don't help with anything in the shul. One of the kids didn't even do Barchu at his Bar Mitzvah. The Gabai called him up. The Bar Mitzvah boy went up to the Torah and said, 'It's too much.' I think they've missed the message of too much. As the rabbi said, it was about moving on, they've accomplished what they could. The rabbi did say that our membership has accomplished nothing. It might be the other lesson of giving to other people that the rabbi feels our congregation can connect with. 'Give to the community by leaving us... It's too much for you. Give to others.' The Schwartzs had no idea people were coming for the break-fast. They thought that since they didn't come on Tisha BAv, they wouldn't come for the break-fast. To note, the reason people didn't come on Tisha BAv is that there was no food at shul. The break-fast had split pea soup. You need split pea soup with croutons to break a fast. They scored big with that split pea. It saved the break-fast. I was thinking about the break-fast the whole sermon. I was worried about fasting. Once the rabbi mentioned Tisha BAv, I had a nervous breakdown. I ran home and ate the rest of the day. Everybody started saying 'It's too much for you.' It was the new code for 'I don't want to speak to you.' The congregation became very passive aggressive. Herman walks very slow. That's not a question. Calling him up to the Torah for an Aliyah is too much for everybody. Herman had the rabbi find his Mishebeyrach list. That took five minutes; which was less time than it would've taken for Herman to get back to his seat. And then he did a twenty minute Mishebeyrach or so. The new Mishebeyrach rules have been charted. The first rule is 'get the blessings over with, quick.' The bylaw reads, 'Nobody cares about your family and your friends. Don't say all their names.' Effie is a bit of davening bully. He tells all the other kids he’s better than them. The parents were mad, hearing their kids aren’t good. They already know their kids aren’t good at sports. Now they’re hearing they’re not good Jewish leaders. Shul troubles. There are many. And it is all because the congregants do stuff. I believe that anything they do is too much. People should never set people up. I believe there wouldn't be so many single Jews right now, if people wouldn't try to help. If people didn't help, people would get married. They would probably date people they're attracted to. We thought the rabbi was saying he wanted to retire. He wanted a raise. If Moshe would’ve just said he wanted a raise to deal with the people, they would've foregone the other leaders idea that Moshe was bringing up. He should've just said he wanted a raise to deal with the issues. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermon of Rebukes II: Matos-Masai7/31/2022
Announcements
The shul baseball game will be next week. As the shul's softball team is pathetic, we'll be going to see local a Single-A team. The board felt it's important to see a game where somebody hits a ball. Topeka Torpedo tickets are on sale at the shul website for $35. You can also purchase tickets at the box office for $3. Make reservations through the shul, but buy tickets at the box office just in case the office messes up again. There will be food. As we’re using the Torpedoes for a shul event, we don’t want to give the Feldsteins an excuse to eat nonKosher hotdogs. Our sponsor, who is not covering anybody’s ticket, wants to ensure there’s a Kiddish feel at the game. From now on, Anim Zmirot will have security. There is too much violence when the kids open the ark. Too much hairpulling last week. In Sunday school, we’ll be educating the kids on proper shul etiquette, and teach how to scream at the Gabai when they’re mad. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 30:3) If a person makes a vow or an oath and make something prohibited, 'he shall not desecrate his word. All that comes out of his mouth he shall do.' Be a man of your word, Bernie... Do stuff. You've desecrated the shul, and you've desecrated yourself. A lot of desecration here... You said you would go bowling with me, Bernie. You didn't show. If you say you're going to donate money... You flipped the appeal card. Your promises mean nothing. You said 'I swear' and you didn't do it... Let's say you're in court. Can't trust you... Because you lie. You're liars. It's called lying... 'Let's hang out. And then you don't show up. That's called standing people up. Standing people up is Asur... It's forbidden. You should be stoned... Be a man of your word... Sadie. Your tongue is foul... Rightfully. They're annoying. But you swear a lot. A dirty tongue... No. The Parsha doesn't talk about cursing. But you should watch that. It comes out of your mouth. Desecration... Stick to your promises. Why is your child coming to me for the bike? You promised it to him on Pesach... He thinks I'm Pesach Santa... Because you didn't get him the Afikomen bike, Shmuel... I understand a father or husband may annul an oath. But you don't want to make messed up statements to begin with... They annul it, because they know you're going to mess it up. I've seen it Katie... You mess up everything. You flipped a two thousand on the appeal card last year... You said you were going to give the money, and you didn't. You said no violence in the shul... Your kids are fighting every time they open the ark.... It's like watching Herman and the Gabai. Any time Herman doesn't get Psicha, he yells at the guy... There are other people in the shul Herman... That wasn't a Neder. The Gabai said he would call you up. That doesn't mean every honor is yours... I understand it was vague. He should've said 'I'll call you up for an Aliyah.' You expect.... I'm trying to say. Parent. Parent. You took the oath of parenthood. There's no reason your kids should be running around in shul, fighting in front of the Aron Kodesh... It's the ark, Bernie. They shouldn't be fighting to serve God together... That's a problem in this congregation. We come together to serve God in battle... Everything is a fight. Even, who gets the honor to say the prayer of peace amongst Israel... Our coach, Dr. Feinblum, said we would win a game this year. We won nothing... The Torpedoes don't count. They're not the shul team. You say it. So, do it... Stop lying. It's a desecration. It's the Nine Days. Do what you can for the community... You said you would build the Beit Hamikdash. I don't see the Third Temple... Show for stuff. You don't show for your Aliyahs either. Gavriel the Gabai calls you up to the Torah and you just sit in your seat. Move. Do something... Then stop sleeping during davening... Come to the baseball game... Purchasing a ticket is a vow. If you say you're coming to a game. If you say you'll be somewhere... By not showing, you desecrated baseball too... Don't be like Bernie... All lies. When you don't live up to your word, you're lying, and that's a desecration. A desecration of yourself... A desecration of your shul. Of your community. A desecration of your family. A desecration of your friends. Your ancestors. Your coworkers... Shabbat too... When they made this shul, they vowed to make it Jewish... Baseball isn't Jewish... Sandy Koufax did not serve in the Beit HaMidksash... Kosher food doesn't make it a Jewish event. Nothing Jewish in this shul. The baseball game and the… They’re the only events you go to… We vowed to be a Jewish shul…. Kosher food doesn’t make everything a Jewish event... The bulletin mentioned nothing but baseball. Might as well put down 'Drinking' for the next event… I know it's an Oneg Shabbat. But everything we do is not Jewish. Why add in the Jewish aspect to the event?... After drinking and baseball, maybe we can go ice skating. Ice skating is Jewish. I think a Jew ice skated before... Shabbat times weren’t even in the announcements. Just baseball... I understand we’re not getting a Minyin… People don't show to what they've committed to. You're born Jewish, you're committed to... By not showing. You desecrated baseball too... Living up to your word is Jewish. You said you would come to the game... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi spent a very long time explaining who you desecrate. The rabbi knows how to get people to come to events. Due to this worry of vows, people stopped RSVPing for Simchas. I don't take anybody for their word in the community. The rabbi gets offended when the congregants don't hang with him. He really cares about baseball and bowling. The rabbi holds his congregants to high standards. Building the Temple is one of them. If we ever have a decent handyman in the shul, the rabbi will send him to Israel to build the Third Temple. People think the appeal cards are a scratch it game. They have no idea that flipping those tags is a pledge. They play with the card, and think that if they flip over the 2k, they've won the money. They really do fight in shul. They say prayers for peace and join together in prayer to fight with each other. Honors cause the most fights. The rabbi is thinking of running every Aliyah like it's Simchat Torah, calling everybody up as a group. I disagree with the rabbi regarding what a Jewish event is, as does the rest of the community. You add kosher food to anything and it's Jewish. Kosher food makes it Jewish. The rest of the community just disagrees with the rabbi on everything. So, I figure they disagree with the rabbi about what makes something Jewish too. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Pinchas7/24/2022
Announcements
The new sign at shul will be electric. We want to thank Freddie’s Barbershop for donating it. The shul will be receiving $1,000 a month for the new flashing neon sign out front, saying ‘Freddie’s Barbershop and Ribs with Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah.’ We pray it leads to more advertisement, and Felvel has a Refuah Sheleyma (full recovery). There's lot of space in shul. Above the left women’s section we have more room for adverts, between the stained glass. We'll be filling that out. If you want to save money on your High Holiday seats, we'll place adverts at your chair, next to the Yizkur appeal cards. Micky's garage is sponsoring the adverts for better deals on tune ups. The finger licking isn't going to stop. We understand the older people can't turn pages without saliva and chaching. As discussed in the page turning workshop, the shul rule is that you can only lick fingers on your left hand. Your right hand must be available for clean handshakes. The shul will also provide volunteers to turn pages for the elderly. We also ask that people keep chaching to a minimum, in the middle of the cantor's repetition. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Flock… (Bamidbar 25:10-11) H' tells Moshe that Pinchas 'turned My anger away from the children of Israel by his avenging My vengeance among them...' There's anger in this shul. A lot of anger. Nobody avenges for the rabbi... Then you would've kicked out the back left section... Nobody fought for Simchi's seat. It's his Makom Kavuah... It's his regular seat. You just let Bernie go over and sit there... I know he's old. But you don't do things in shul that are wrong... Like Zimri taking Cazbi in front of the congregation to do whatever. Taking somebody's seat is also wrong... Simchi wasn't mad??? He took one of the plastic chairs and threw it... I'm not saying anger is right. But this congregation can... How many times you bring on anger. The leaving the paper towel by the sink... You throw it in the garbage... The garbage is right there. Anger... It's not a basketball game. If you miss, you pick it up and put it in... You're so bad at sports. The shul softball team can't even throw to first right. You think you're going to hit a paper towel shot... indy's hat... It's too big. Women can't see. Even if nobody steals their seats, they can't see... Pinchas killed them and the plague stopped. He stabbed them. Jabbed them a bunch of times. Blood. Death... Then don't take people's chairs. Lesson learned... Sometimes revenge must be had to educate a people. You take the towel and throw it at them. Then say, 'You don't leave towels by the sink. It offends God...' The Anim Zmirot fiasco was one that needed somebody to take a stand. Fights all the time... I understand that the kids are in preschool. Pulling the ark curtain causes a lot of violence. We need people to take a step in and be there to protect the community... You can get involved in a four year old fight. It's fine. A lot of scratching. Danger. Stranger danger... When they see the grandkids visiting for the summer, that they never met, they get more violent... 'So that I didn't destroy the children of Israel'... Sticking up for God, stops the plague. Pinchas stopped the plague, because he fought against the immorality. He defended the honor of the community and the Tabernacle... The Kiddish fight of '97. I was there. Nobody stuck up for Marina and Milt... Kiddishes with nothing but Kichel. And then you have the Simcha hall. Same tablecloths... You call it sticking up for Pinny, when you set him up with these girls from Florida. They're two thousand miles away... Why are you listening to the Gabai? There is a rabbi, with an 'r' and a Gabai with a 'g'... Gabai means he's volunteering. We have to stop listening to volunteers... Paper towels all over the sink. And that's what led to the destruction of the shul... Would H' destroy this shul? I am not saying that people should hurt the Gabai. I am just saying that the Gabai, the president... People have to stand up to them... Otherwise, we get stuck with messed up food cupboards and mucus all over the pages. Rashi likens jealousy to revenge... Pinchas took Gd's revenge by killing Zimri and Cazbi... Revenge on behalf of others can be fine... Revenge isn't allowed, when you're taking revenge for the Danish you didn't get. It’s wrong when it’s your revenge. When it’s your jealousy, that’s wrong. When it’s for somebody else, it’s right. You get that Danish… There was a plague. Somebody had to do something. Stabbing people is not supported by the shul’s board. I have asked them many times, to see if there was a loophole... Sometimes you have to take a step up, on behalf of a weak congregation… Very weak. Can’t even hit a baseball. Summer league has been pathetic again... Of course they all think we can't get a Minyin on Shabbis. Our congregants can't even walk the bases... (Bamidbar 25:12) 'I hereby give him My covenant of peace.' You get a covenant of peace if you fight against evil. Fighting evil, Pinchas receives God's covenant of peace. And I fight Bernie every day... It’s wrong when it’s your revenge. When you throw paper towels at people for others, it's the right thing to do. I have been fighting against salivating on Siddurs for the past many years. I have lost the battles with Bernie and Merv. I understand they have to lick their fingers... For the next generation, I pray there will be peace and Siddurs that are not disgusting, with the look of cigar mucus on them. You stick up for other people... Helping other people is a form of sticking up for them. A food pantry can help the poor. That's a Pinchas move. Sticking up for the poor.... A pantry that holds more than a Twizzler… A decent food pantry brings peace. Stops destruction... A pantry for other people. A pantry that holds more than a Twizzler… I don’t think Pinchas would’ve held up a convenience store… He would’ve left stuff in the pantry. And that stops destruction… Destruction of the Temple is because of Bernie. If we stop the fights among the kids. If we stop taking people's chairs. If we stop people from throwing paper towels, who aren't athletes, and can't hit a garbage can, we can bring peace to our shul, and stop the destruction... And we must advertise the shul’s pantry better… The shul doesn’t need advertisements. The shul needs to let people know where the pantry is... The banner above the left women’s section. Why do we have a sign saying ‘Kohl’s is good for all Jews’?... They didn’t have that in the Beit Hamikdash, Bernie. The shul is a small Temple… I saw the downfall of the shul when I didn't see the old shul signage anymore, and I walked in today to the neon club lighting of ‘Freddie’s Barbershop and Ribs with Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah.’ Rivka’s Rundown I hate to say this, but Simchi has anger issues. How the rabbi compared Zimri violating H' and Israel to Bernie sitting down because he's tired is hard to understand. He blamed Bernie for the destruction of the Temple, two thousand years ago. The rabbi did bring up counting the congregants, to make sure we have enough people to go to war. I don't know where that came from. Though, it was a very meaningful food pantry point. I also have no idea how the pantry is going to help the soldiers going out to war. I don’t think the rabbi was promoting violence over chairs, or people taking too much pastry at Kiddish. I am not sure. He is definitely thinking about taking action about mucus on Siddurs. There is a lot of violence by the Anim Zmirot prayer at the end of services, where we let the kids go up to open the ark. The preschoolers get very violent over their honors. It's similar to the fights started over Aliyahs (getting called to the Torah) in the early 2000s. The police had to escort the Gabai out, for his safety, when one congregant turned the Chumash cover into a shank and chased him, after the congregant didn't get the Levite Aliyah. The congregant was allowed back, as he explained that the other guy didn't deserve the Aliyah, just because he doesn't show up to shul very often. The congregant with the shank Chumash cover was allowed back, as he had a good point, and pays his dues on time. The other guy who got the Aliyah is not a wealthy Levite. The board voted in favor of chasing the Gabai with a Chumash shank. They said it would've been fine to chase the Chazin as well, as he sang too many tunes that Shabbat, and services lasted way too long. After Shabbat, the rabbi took a sledge hammer and knocked down the sign in the front of the shul. The board did not give the OK on it, and many were mad, as they're fans of Freddie's Barbershop. They did agree that having pictures of the non-kosher ribs on the sign of the shul wasn't right, even if it did draw more people to shul. The next shul dinner the rabbi is slated to receive the shul's covenant of peace. The rabbi also has a problem with the signage in the shul for local businesses. He wants to bring back Bingo, as he feels that is more proper way to raise money. As he said, 'Bingo keeps people away from the casinos, and it brings people to our shul who pay for something.' I believe the rabbi has an issue with every decision the board has ever made. Nobody takes a step up and sticks up for anybody in the shul. The Kiddish fight, where the family ganged up on the non-drunk guy. It was messed up. Nobody stepped in. Yankel pulling Tzachi's hair at the ark, people were scared of Yankel. He's a four year old bully. Real bad at sports. People are even scared to step up to the plate. Nobody takes a step up with anything in our shul. Only the rabbi. He is the only one with the covenant of peace. The whole sermon, there was chaching coming from the right side of the shul. Nobody said a thing. Nobody stuck up for the rabbi. I don't know how you stop them from chaching. I don't think Pinchas would stab them. I believe that back in the times of the Tabernacle, he would've given them some lozenges. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Chukat7/8/2022
Announcements
The Shul yard sale will take place next Sunday. We ask that you sell stuff people want. They were offended by your 1980s tube TVs with the huge backs. They are not carriable, and they don't fit in homes. One guy said he needed a Minyin to lift the TV. We understand you have stuff you want to get rid of, but writing 'We've upgraded to a flat screen that’s bigger and fits in our house’ on your item is offensive. We also ask that you don't sell twin mattresses that are too small for you to sleep on. If you can't sleep on it, that means it's too small for people. Wicker chairs are also discouraged. To quote a disgruntled member of the community who doesn't like to shop at Home Decor Inc., 'Am I not good enough for normal ottomans? I have to sit on wicker?! Wicker with no cushion?!' Anything that is trash, please don’t bring to sell. If it’s in a trash bag, please don't bring it this year. Unopened trash bags are also not allowed to be sold this year either. We're not having another grab bag event. The board also asks that negotiations not get too loud. It’s embarrassing. It gives our shul a bad reputation when you fight. As we know that all of our members that are into collectibles are hoarders, we ask that you don't leave your collections behind. And no leaving your trash you can’t sell behind. Last year we almost had a Hoarders TV show episode filmed at the shul, when they heard the secretary couldn't get out, due to the couch with cats in it. When they heard they were dead cats, they wanted to know what kind of membership we have. We noticed who didn't show to this year's fundraiser. We're keeping track of your lack of support for the shul. We suggest members show to events. You should all show to funerals as well. We’re all keeping track of who is coming. Simchas are now being hosted to get mad at people that don't give decent gifts. There is resentment to bad gift givers. The shul has received many complaints about the Frankel family in the suggestion box. The main suggestion was to not invited the Frankels to any Simcha. We suggest all members give a lot of money, so there's less shul hatred, and we have less to listen to at Kiddish. We also ask you spend at least two hundred dollars on gifts. That or give two hundred dollars straight. If it's not on sale, the two hundred dollars is better in cash. Sales are greatly appreciated, as that shows you put thought into the gift. For this reason, it’s suggested you keep the sale sign on the gift. We've been asked to announce that Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, as well as weddings and Brises, are an investment. There's a reason you're invited to birthday parties as well. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Impure... (Bamidbar 19:2) H' tells Moshe and Aharon, 'This is the Chok of the Torah'.... It's a decree. I'm not going to explain... Why do I have to explain every little thing to you? You still don't trust me... Now I understand H.' If you were His congregants... 'Why? I'm God. I think that's the explanation.' Rashi, quoting Tanchuma 7-8, explains that it's a decree that you can't contemplate over... Because other nations and the Satan will ask the reasons for this Mitzvah... And because you're annoying. This congregation is very annoying... No more contemplating. When you guys think about stuff, you mess it up. The garage sale. It was on a lawn... Then call it a yard sale. Stop thinking about stuff... It's not like people like garage sales more than yard sales... It's a Satan... Yes. I've contemplated leaving this shul. Every question you guys ask is a Satan. A bunch of Satan questions... The back left. Satan conversations... Yes. You have to keep Shabbis... I won't give in. I will not tell you what this Dvar Torah is about... Every sermon, you want to know. I feel like you asking me what I am talking about is a Satan in the shul... What's the Chok? The red heifer to purify people. The mixture... You're not pure. So, let's focus on the shul. We need Shul decrees... You have to wear a tie. No looking over the Mechitza... It scares the women. I shall not explain. These are Choks. I am not a sinner. I don't explain stuff. 'And you shall go in God's ways.' From now on, I will explain nothing as a rabbi... And no more sinning... It's a Chok. I will not explain what the sins are. Just don't do them... (Bamidbar 19:20) 'And a man that becomes impure and doesn't purify himself, this person shall be cut off from the people.' Anybody who... I feel like this congregation should be cut off. You walk in without a tie. Impure... Who else should be cut off from our shul? At least from Bingo night... And Bernie. Cut him off... Why do we allow these congregants... Bad gift givers at Simchas. Kick them out. Why do you even invite them... The shul needs a registry of bad gift givers, to know who to not invite to Simchas... You know, when they give you a twenty dollar bill with a smile, you should've have invited them... And clean clothes. (19:7) You have to clean your clothes too... Before coming into the camp, you have to be clean... Shower, for crying out loud. It's the summer... It's a Chok. I don't have to explain it. A Chok. You give decent gifts. It's wedding season. If you don't do it. You're cut off... I'm not going to explain what cut off means... I will not promise seats in shul for the High Holidays. Cut off... More Choks for the shul... And rugulach at Kiddish... A decent spread includes locks, AND RED ONIONS... If you decided to place it in a trash bag, there’s a reason. It shouldn’t be at the shul yard sale. One guy literally dumped trash last year… It was his trash. There were chicken bones. Marrow sucked out. Your trash is not somebody else’s treasure, unless that treasure is leftover bitten chicken thighs… They don’t have your memories… You sold your trash as memories last year. Two hundred dollars for a Teddy Ruxpin. They didn’t grow up with Ruxpin… It was an embarrassment. Not a fundraiser. An embarrassment to the shul… Your trash is cut off from the congregation. And that includes your cans of peas and carrots to the food cupboard. You're doing nothing for the poor people… You’ll have to throw it out or recycle it yourself… The shul cannot be embarrassed anymore by your behavior. Cut off… Your trash is cut off. If you can’t dress it up right, then throw it out. Cut it off... Even Fran. Cut off... It's all embarrassing to the congregation. That’s why we have to cut you off… Haggling at the shul… You haggle all the time. You haggled for your dues. It’s Tzedakah… I saw you haggling with the guy that was begging. You don’t haggle with charity… You said, ‘How about a dollar?!’ He asked for a five… It wasn’t shuk day. It wasn’t the Israeli Independence Day event… This is the Midwest. Not the Middle East. You can’t call the amount you sell, your dues. It’s a favor we’re doing for you… People who give bad gifts. They’re cut off from the shul… We don’t want to hear it at Kiddish. We know that The Book of Our Heritage has been given by everybody… You didn't buy it... You gave the book from your son’s Bar Mitzvah. You gave it to Samantha... We understand the meal is less than two hundred dollars. But they’re doing it to make money… None of you showed to my grandfather’s funeral… I have no idea who came. I know who didn’t come. You're cut off... And you didn't give any gifts... It’s a Chok... No. I’m not going to explain what a decree is. Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi truly brought home the point of how annoying these questions are. I can't imagine how annoying it is for God to have to explain His commandments to the Jews. 'Why do we have to follow this one?' 'Because I said so. I'm God.' The rabbi left a lot of stuff in his sermon unexplained. He just said, 'It's a Chok. A decree.' It turns out that the whole shul is bad gift givers. They never even went to the registry. What’s on the shul registry? Shul membership dues. The shul registry had different options for paying dues in honor of the Ba'alei Simcha (people being celebrated). One Bar Mitzvah kid received the gift of the Lefkowitz family dues being paid in his name. He didn't like that gift. The new registry of the list of people who shouldn't be invited is out. Everybody chekcs out that registry. The rabbi wants to kick everybody out of the shul. Yes. He did say the congregants are Satan. That did offset letting them all know they're impure. After the sermon, they all accepted they're impure. I think the rabbi is getting sick of explaining the Torah all the time. At one point, he said the whole Torah is a Chok. And he stopped giving classes for half a year. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Korach7/1/2022
Announcements
The shul summer diet is on. We are looking to not be the most out of shape shul this summer. We understand you are all beautiful. However, H' likes it when you look good in a non-double-breasted suit for Davening. And the shul softball team needs it too. In honor of July 4th and commemoration of Canada Day, the shul will be adding a special prayer of thanks to God that we are not Canada. Due to last year's debacle, there won't be fireworks in the shul. We know that fireworks are social. However, safety precautions don't allow for a fire in the shul's halls. Fires on shul premises are not allowed. We already received a citation on Lag BOmer. There will be a pool party for women only. Men aren't allowed, due to laws of modesty, and the sight of you being frightening looking. No hitting people to say 'Hi.' We understand that you're being friendly, but your friendliness hurts. Even if it's a shoulder hit, or tush slap, it's not appreciated. We've had too many shul injuries in our shul due to friendliness. The men’s shelter has expressed their concern. They’ve reported bruises from kind greetings. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... I'm beginning to think you're not. The board decided against my idea of having a choolante cafe... Heretics. You protest. Why? Because it was my idea... Just like the board, there was Korach. We know him as Rachel. The new treasurer... (Bamidbar 16:3) Korach and his people 'gathered on Moshe and on Aharon, and they said to them, "It's too much for you. Cause the whole assembly, all of them are holy... why do you exalt yourselves on the congregation of Israel."'... What's too much for me is having to hear you at Kiddish. The conversations are painful... I don't think that's what God had in mind for the Kohens. Dealing with your complaints. 'Reuven has an issue with how long the Mishebeyrachs take. Aharon. Take care of that. It's your job to deal with the Mishebeyrach issue, Aliyahs, the anger over Malka's new hat being flashy, and lighting the Menorah, Aharon.'... When did the job of the community leaders be to field Samantha's thoughts on the new shul awning? Figuring out why Michal is still mad at Malka for the hats that she wears during the summer... She can wear whatever hats she wants. She doesn't sweat like you, Malka. And the doily is not religious… Doilys are only religious when there's kichel inside of them... That would've been to much for Moshe and Aharon... Because it's annoying. Yitro even noted it to Mosher. He told Moshe, 'This is too much for you. The people will line up with annoying questions. You can see. They have a two mile line, just waiting to complain... The Levi concert line wasn't this long...' Closing on the mortgage is not a Halachik question... I don't know how to answer. I just know that you're gathering against me... Then make the choolante cafe happen... They were 'on.' They gathered against. They didn't gather with. They were looking for their power. On Moshe and Aharon. Kind of like the Gabai, who says that everybody is worthy of an Aliyah... They get the Aliyahs, Shmuel. They all get called to the Torah. They just don't all give sermons... I know they complain. They have no idea what the Torah says. How many of you know what the word 'Barchu' means?.... 'All are holy.' Yes... You're a holy congregation. But annoying. Moshe falls on his face... That means he was praying... Whenever I say Tachnun, and I bring my head down, I'm thinking about how messed up this congregation is. Every single time... I fall on my face and think about what I did wrong to get into this situation at this shul... He didn't slip on Korach. I don't think they tripped him. He couldn't take it. Did anybody help him up? No. They were on him... I fell. I was walking up to the Bima and I tripped on the step... You didn't help me!!! I fall on my face on Yom Kippur... That's for Aleynu. That's part of the prayer... I don't know how I deal with the Gabai. Yet, he hasn't been eaten by the earth. When you have no idea how to deal with something, you fall on your face in prayer... It's hard to deal with a congregation of heretics. I understand Moshe... The amount of heretics that show up on Yom Kippur... What caused him to fall?... Exalt? He exalted himself over them? You are going to blame Moshe for exalting himself? He didn't want the leadership... You think this position is exalted? Having to deal with Bernie… The accusations you people come up. I give sermons because that's my job. It is my Tafkeed. My task. What's your task?... As congregants, it's not to come over to me at Kiddish. You all want autonomy. You have a board, to make dumb decisions... The earth didn't swallow you up. But the ceiling is leaking. The board could do their job. The Korachs... You have independence… You’re in America. You hired me!!! Exalt myself over this? This is not exaltation... Yes. We need to lose weight as a congregation... I am here to help with your health... Spiritual and physical. I'm more of an exercise guru than a rabbi... Choolante is the way to get there. Choolante and Kichel... Last year, everybody walked to first base... You hit the ball and walked. You need to run... That's why we lost and people didn't show up to shul. Half of our congregation is too out of shape to make it... Shabbat morning services are now up to three hours, because it takes five minutes for you guys to get up to your Aliyah... You deserve the Aliyah, but you can't make it up there by yourself... You asked Mark to lift you up to the Bima, Bernie... They weren't good cooks... Men did cook back then. So they took their pans and they died... I wish it was that easy... I don't know when men stopped cooking... No. They baked in the Beit Hamikdash... (Bamidbar 16:11) Moshe goes on to tell Korach that his ego is getting in the way, and that he wants to be a Kohen too... It's because of his ego. he was already a Levi... He already gets to leave services during Musaf. What else does he need? It's ego. We've seen it in our congregation... You're a Yisrael, Mark. Moshe notes that being a Levi is not enough for them. They need it all. Like Sarah with the choolante. Can't share... I didn't say to eat it all. Share it... Moshe goes on to tell them that they are 'joining against God, and Aharon, what is he that you're protesting against him?' It's for you. Not for the people... What did Aharon do?... Exactly. He did his job. He did what he was asked to do. Every time somebody fulfills a duty here, you rag on them... It's your ego. It's because you make a bad choolante, Samantha... Cook it and share, and all will get along... When you use a frying pan to make choolante, bad things happen. When you do it against other people. When you raise yourself above everybody. When you get a huge hat, like Malka... God is not part of this shul's Aliyah choolante hat ego... Korach took God out of the decision making. He made it about ego... The softball league patheticness is the next level of not trying. Just like Korach wanted stuff given to him, you want the game given to you... Then run a little... That’s not independence. When a hat is in your face, it's intrupendence... Independence from your people? Korach already had independence. He wanted power. When you want power, that is when bad things happen, like a three hour Shabbat morning Shacharit service. Like a messed up awning and hats that are independent of style... Independence from your rabbi??? Is that what you want?... You wanted me as your rabbi and now you protest. Now you want to be the rabbi... Yes. Smicha is important... (Bamdibar 16:4) Moshe fell on his face. What else do you do when you have to deal with this?... I don't know. I am looking at the back left and I am asking myself... The dumb questions you have… Korach and his people would ask questions like that… Why am I in charge of services? I’m the rabbi. From now on, when I say something that makes sense, take it as H's word. Take it as Jewish law. No more hitting arms to say Shabbat Shalom… I know you think it’s friendly, Tim. However, we’ve been cited for abuse… No buddies. Your friendliness hurts people Did Korach use violence? I’m not sure. Phil’s friendliness does hurt though. Moshe fell on his face in prayer, due to sadness… Michael fell on his face due to kindness and love. You said hello and he re-ruptured his hernia... And Yes. We need a new awning. Why is that my task?... I just don’t know why “Rachel” doesn’t take care of that…. Don’t be like Korach. Or Bernie. Rivka’s Rundown Too many people have been walking out of shul with bruises, due to friendliness. They are thinking of shutting down our shul, as people love each other too much and are too affectionate. I have to tell Thelma she's got to calm down. She’s being friendly to me by hitting me. She thinks she's a dude. She even elbowed me. It's like she's practicing her Thai-boxing on me, when she wishes me a Good Shabbis. I have no idea how to take it. I did see one guy kindly knock out Baruch, as a friendly gesture of comradery. The rabbi is correct. Choolante is holy. At least the non-religious congregants don't appreciate it as much as the ones that are going to heaven. I've never seen a doily wearer eat choolante, or speak Yiddish. We had to do something about the awning. It’s ripped. The rabbi thought that something that is stands out to anybody who enters the shul, the board might fix it. Rachel ended up purchasing a neon pink awning. I don’t know if it's what the shul was going for. The rabbi ended up calling them heretics for thinking on their own and doing something. I believe he called them Korachs. Doilies must stop. We now have nothing nice to put in the wicker baskets for the Kichel. Some of the older women are taking their head-coverings out of the Kiddish wicker bowls. They're stuck putting napkins in it. Fran was sitting and Feivel mistakenly placed his bit Kichel on her head. They do all argue about the hats. The summer hats are bigger. They're just made out of straw. Huge hats. Many of our less religious congregants head to the horse races right after shul. I think they're dressed for that. The rabbi got everybody going with that Malka's hat being too big comment at the end of the sermon. It was like an old British mob with all the women her section pointing at her, saying, 'Yew. Yew.' The rabbi stopped the mob by acknowledging how ugly each of those women's hats was. It turns out that making fun of hats is very easy. You can even say 'look at that viser,' and people will laugh. It was a great lesson in Lashon Hara, and how to un-embarrass someone by embarrassing everybody else. Now, when we mock people, we mock everybody. The rabbi is really big on losing weight. He wants somebody to be able to run to first base this season. He feels that other shuls will start respecting our congregation if they can't throw us out that easily. They lose their personalities. They lose weight and they changed. Can't drink beer anymore. If you used to drink beer and now you can't, you've lost your personality. I lost an old friend to a diet a few years back. We couldn’t eat together anymore. And now she drinks Crystal Light. I’ve lost a lot of friends with this diet. This diet thing is annoying. It changes their personalities. When somebody can't join me for a piece of Danish, I can't talk to them anymore. And then I'm trying to talk to her, and she's like, 'Let's go for a walk.' What happened to talking over Danish? Shul day camp is little Simchas way of making money this summer. It’s not even at the shul. It’s a good teenage scam. He watches the kids in his backyard. No fence. He calls it the Open Shul Camp. It's like a school without walls, that has no walls. No adult supervision. It just so happens that if you put the shul's name on something, safety is not a priority. The July 4th fireworks were nice. Everybody in the shul kept talking about them being the most exciting thing they had ever seen, as there was a crescendo, and then another crescendo. The questions to the rabbi are annoying. It's too much for anybody. The problem is that the Jewish Family Services charges for counseling. I’ve heard dumb questions to the rabbi. I just heard his side of the call. ‘You can go to Krogers. They have an excellent dairy section.’ ‘The mortgage is fine.’ ‘Pay your dues. That’s a good idea.’ Everybody complains about the rabbi. Yet, none of them have said, 'We want your position.' That is where Korach went wrong. He had no idea how annoying our members can be. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Shelach6/24/2022
Announcements
Many congregants are trying to figure out what's right. What's right is for you not to talk. If you get a look with a head nod from side to side, that means stop talking. You're probably doing it without knowing. If there's no concert and swaying, shaking of a head is disappointment. When the rabbi looks at you, he's disappointed. To quote the Rabbi, 'If I'm looking at you and smiling, it's because I'm laughing at how bad I have it. I had no idea I was signing up for this.' No dropping off anything at shul anymore. The food pantry doesn’t appreciate your cans. The poor people said they don’t want the carrots and green beans. They hate the mix, like you do. To quote, ‘If you want to bring anything to the food pantry, it has to be good. We aren’t taking your trash. We eat green beans alone too. We're people. And we are offended by your children’s art, that you had to throw out of your home. It doesn't belong in the food pantry. It's not edible. Even the macaroni necklace is impossible to eat. We tried. We understand you want it out of the house. Nobody can pawn that non-talent. The food pantry is not a trash can.’ Charities are being chosen by the rabbi. Let us know which ones you want. To be clear, the Feldstein wedding isn't considered a charity, just because they want to save money on the cost of food. You still have to give a gift. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My herd... (Bamidbar 13:2) H' tells Moshe to send men 'for you' to scout out Israel. These are the spies we learn about... I don't think they would've chosen tribal leaders from this congregation... The youth group leader is good. She does a great job with the Modeh Ani prayer... It was for them... For Moshe. I don't know. It says 'for you'... Yes. H' told them to go. They wanted to do it. Like the time you wanted to go to the amusement park and Shmuel ended up intermarrying... I wasn't for the intermarriage. I said we should learn Torah. I always tell you that we should learn Torah. Every event. But you complain... We have classes... You wouldn't know, because you don't show up... I said yes to not have to listen to you... You guys love complaining about the rabbi. I let you check for a new one... You don't remember the two months I was left without a job?!... I didn't say 'don't pay me.' I just said, 'Do you what you want already. This is getting annoying.' When I tell you to do something, don’t do it. It just means you’re annoying… I am sick of hearing you complain... Yes. I sent you to pick up new tablecloths. But not those... I know I said that whatever you pick out will be good. That's not the point. You have to do what's right. Light blue is not the right color for tablecloths... It looks off, and stains... At least white looks good before it stains... Even if I tell you to do make decisions, you shouldn't make decisions. General rule. Never talk. If I tell you to talk, know it's a bad idea to share your ideas... You've messed up the board... Because the board makes decisions. Do you see the problem?... You should just be signing that we're a non-profit... I have to make it look like you're important. So you'll join the board... Judge by the look I give... Exactly. It's usually a look of disappointment. Now, finally a congregant who understands... You're supposed to talk. Not in shul... The problem is that you can't figure out anything... From now on, we're going to be as specific as possible... Exactly. I said it. You're annoying. I think that's specific... I said give charity, and all the sudden, you're giving to the Kids for Acting Foundation, supporting kids who want to be huge actors out in Hollywood... That's not a charity. That's an ego booster for the young and the wealthy... We said the food cupboard for charity... You're supposed to bring stuff for charity. I didn't know that charity to you means your trash... I saw your donations. Tomato paste??? How much tomato paste can somebody eat? There's no food. Just tomato paste... Going to spread the tomato paste on a can?! You should've thought to purchase pasta. Then you wouldn't have to donate tomato paste... Pasta and cheese with tomato paste is amazing... The problem is that you didn't give the pasta or the cheese. You gave it 'for you.' Rashi says, 'Why is the Parsha dealing with the spies connected with the section dealing with Miriam? Because she was punished over stuff dealing with speech, for speaking against her brother, and these wicked people (the spies) witnessed, but did not learn the moral lesson from it.' You guys never learn. That's the problem... You haven't learned from the disgusting art work of your children's paper mache... You learn from nothing I say. You space out… You don’t learn. I tell you to learn... That's why I stopped saying to do stuff. It's come to the point of working reverse psychology with everything I say... The kids don't learn. Even on the slide, your kids… She burned herself. Then he did the same thing… It’s a metal slide. We have a heatwave. And that’s the punishment… When you don't learn from the past, from what you saw, you are to blame... They should've trusted H'... How many times do I have to tell you to trust H'?... The problem is they talked... Did H' tell them to talk? No. Just look... Simmy and Frank are talking in the back of the shul again... You guys talk. Always bad. Messed up shul art, because you don't listen right... The still lifes... It's a shul Bernie. How about a still life of a Torah. How about we call the Torah covers art... We don't need a fountain... You exaggerate everything I say. If you're scared of big fruit clusters... So, they're not bite size. You get a little juice on you. You stain your shirt... No. You don't clean a white shirt you stained on Shabbis... Charities you can give to are the shul's building fund. The shul's extension project. The shul's teenage growth foundation. The shul's youth group for shul kids. The shul's new Sefer Torah project. She shul's dinner program. The shul's discretionary fund. The rabbi... You still owe me for two months... The shul amusement park trip... I didn't say to do it. But if you're doing it anyways... Shul dues. If you don't pay them, they're a charity... You do stuff that is right... How do you know? You don't talk. And that is why none of you live in Israel... Lashon Hara is keeping you out... Support the shul summer day camp run by twelve year olds… No idea who’s watching over them… Calev was right. Don't be scared of big fruit. And believe. Believe that you can do it. And stop asking me questions... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi looked at everybody. People felt like they did something wrong, when they shook his hand. So, the rabbi made an excellent point about tomato paste. That should've been in the announcement. The main lesson of 'don't share your thoughts' didn't really catch on, as the congregants kept asking questions, and complaining, throughout the sermon. They should've learned from the tablecloths. Bad idea. The other lesson of people being very annoying was taken in by everybody. The whole congregation shook their head, looked around and said, 'All of these people are annoying.' I don't believe they were thinking about themselves. I think they come to shul because everybody else is annoying. The other people are annoying. The rabbi realized that their going to do whatever they want anyways. The rabbi chose the Gabai, because the shul wanted it. He hates the Gabai. Come to think of it. Every answer the rabbi has given me was to shut me up. The problem is that the people never learn. We still see cans of tomato paste. The fact that people can't get basic stuff the rabbi tells them, and everytime they make a decision it's messed up, that's why we have the Gemara. Thousands of pages and hundreds of thousands of pages of commentary. Because people like Bernie don’t listen. And then you have Cindy on the board. When the rabbi noticed that nobody was giving money to the shul, he said they can give to these charities. The Golf Association. The Groomers Alliance. Shoppers Club Card. Rock Events Federation, which supports people who don't have enough money for tickets that are not in the balconies. The rabbi thought that because he called it charity they wouldn't give, and they would give to regular charities, for people who are in need. Instead, they bought tickets to events and concerts and skipped shul. Rabbi has chosen some new charities, which he hopes benefits our shul. Kids for Better Candy. He chose that because the kids were mad when there was no sugar powder candy at youth groups. Bingo being its own charity was supported by everybody. They gave money to Bingo, as its own fundraiser for itself. We just have to stop offending poor people. The summer garage sales are a spit in the face. Down the block, they even put the stuff out in trash bags, to show you that it's trash to them. You feel like a second class citizen buying the stuff. One family was selling a wicker chair. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Behalotcha6/17/2022
Announcements
If you want to blame anybody, it's the Gabai's fault. The shul fundraising dinner will be $80 for singles. $90 for couples. $98 for families with five children. If you have more than five children, the fundraising dinner is free for the family. We've tried to keep single people and divorcees away from the community, but we have decided that we will allow them to remain if they pay a lot. If anybody has an idea for a name for the shul fundraiser, other than 'shul fundraiser,' please write the office. We just ask that 'shul fundraiser' is part of the name, as nobody will give money if they're not directed to explicitly. We were thinking of calling it the 'give money to shul shul fundraiser.' New Rule: You have to say high to people. You're not allowed to pretend like you don't notice people in shul anymore. No looking away. Our congregation is too small for people to think they're important. From now on, only classy events. All shul Simchas must start in a room where you're not going to eat. It has been decided that telling people to move to another room is classy. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Flock... (Bamidbar 8:2) The Menorah was built from one solid piece of gold, hammered out (Ramban)... Can we get a decent contractor in this place. We've got a guy with chisels, drills, chainsaws... He does nothing. He just breaks stuff... He makes holes... He couldn't hammer a circle. The Menorah was hammered out... It's not clay. You can't mold it with your hands. It's not like the romantic scene in Ghost... Made from one piece. It's not eighty pieces put together... No reason for Chaim's artwork to be more than one piece. It's not like Chaim's drawing is the Statue of Liberty... He tore it up. That’s why it’s in sixty pieces… Why is it hanging in the shul hall? With a thumbtack?! It's in sixty pieces... It’s not art. It’s a child that had a tantrum… It's not supposed to be in pieces... It does represent the dividedness of our shul, where there is no unity... Because nobody wishes anybody a 'Good Shabbis.' They look at you and wish you an awful Shabbis... The look says it all... (Bamidbar 8:3) He kindled its lamps towards the face of the Menorah. The wicks of the branches on the side faced the middle. Again. Focused on unity. Oneness. Focus... Why do I constantly have to answer these questions? If you focused... Focus on the Torah reading for once... I don't know what you're talking about... I know you're louder than the Bal Koreh. The one reading the Torah ends up facing you... It's a stop talking look... The Menorah was connected. Pointed to the unified middle... Your head is turned and I am talking. You face the lectern when the rabbi talks... That's the unifying source. The Torah is read... Yes. You listen to it. You face it and listen to it. You don't talk and not say 'Good Shabbis'... From now on, we need symmetry... I'm not saying Aharon was an artist... He would've done better with paper mache than the Hebrew School kids. That paper mache sculpture thing is so off. Is it a shoe?... Than why is it in the entrance to the shul?... Abstracts don't count. My signature is an abstract... I write my signature poorly. Exactly. That's the point. It's not a piece of art hanging in the shul. The Menorah was beautiful and hammered out. A fine work... 'As H' commanded'... That's how Aharon lit it. It was a good work... Did H' command you to be single? No. That's bad work on the dating front... Alone. A sculpture all by itself. A poorly done piece that H' didn't command... Get married... That's why it looks good. God knows art better than Chaim... The Levites followed H's directions. That's why they don't have Jewish artifacts that look like shoe moldings... It’s a door stopper... Yes. Your kids are shameful, and there's a reason they didn't take over for the Bachurs. It was the way H' showed Moshe, that's how it was made (Bamidbar 8:4). If they followed directions, it might be art... Have you seen the Menorah by the Kotel? Beautiful... They would not put up Simcha's art. Or an abstract that looks like a messed up foot... The problem is that people think they're important. There is no room for creativity when you're commanded to do stuff the right way... The wood slab and nut Chanukiah is not cool... Even single people don't use it... (Bamidbar 8:16) 'For they are given over to Me from among the children of Israel, instead of those that open the womb, the firstborn...' The Levites took the place of the Bachors, the firstborns... They messed up. The Bachors messed up like Chaim… We don’t hang up everything the Bachors do, because they messed up. Why are we hanging up all of this art work?... The same way the Bachors were substituted out, we must substitute out all the messed up artwork in the shul... We need to find congregants that take the place of the members... Kids need to listen in Hebrew school before their place in shul is lost. They're going to lose their place if they don't listen... Their art wouldn't be this messed up if they followed directions. If they followed instructions, they wouldn't be making self-portraits that look like... Does this look like Sima?... Yes. This thing in my hand... Well. It says her name on it. This is her self-portrait she drew in art class... I know, it looks like a cat... We will substitute them... A substitute wouldn't help this work... They are holy to Me. We need people that are holy to this congregation... You've messed up like Bachors... You even get mad when new people join. Like you can't get enough attention... You're worried your spot will be taken, because you don't listen to the Mitzvot... The Mitzvot of decent art. And you don't do your part... The Ner Tamid, continual light, is neon... They didn't use neon in the Temple, Bernie. Real art comes from oneness. Connectedness... Single people aren't connected... Even single people wouldn't make a wood slab and nut Chanukiah. It looks pathetic... The concept of art is off in this shul... You're not cool, because you're a Bachor. Even if single people wouldn't take your place... It's because they're single. Connectedness through Torah. Torah in the middle. The Levites were connected to God, to the people. They followed directions... How can you be connected if you don't say Hi? If you don't listen to your rabbi... I am standing right here. In the middle.... We need to connect through something. The sisterhood can't even agree on which Danish is the best. Raising the Levites is what we do. If we can raise funds... Raising money for gifts. Gifts are not a charity. If you would give something to the shul's building fund... We're not hanging Rachel's pinata outside the shul... Whatever the paper mache thing is. It looks like a mold. Stop giving the shul stuff you don't want. It's not art... The building fund is to keep the building in tact, heat and to keep up the tent over my parking spot... No more gifts. Only donations of money. No artwork. Unless if God commands it... If you don’t want it in your home. We don’t want it. Did God ever say to give Him your trash?... That was gold and silver. Find jewelry... It's not art. Don’t throw it on the shul. If you got ripped off on a print, keep it... I understand that you were supporting a young artist in Tzfat... If you just smiled and were kind, that would bring unity and focus... They don't want to be with you. Your Bachorness... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi has went back to referring to us as sheep and cattle. It's amazing how our rabbi always finds a way to ask for money. That's what makes him great. That and his ability to make everything holy. Only our rabbi can bring Patrick Swayze into a sermon. In the end, people gave nothing. They said that if they can't drop off their kids' artwork, it's not worth it. For the building fund, the shul hosted a garage sale for all the trash the members dropped at the door. The rabbi couldn't stop people from dropping off their kids' memories, and they were scared their children would see it in the garbage. The Bachor and Levi point was beautiful. The rabbi's member exchange for people that don't come to shul. was passed by the board. The idea of members paying and other people coming instead of them is appreciated by all. The board members stopped showing up all together. The shul art is off. The rabbi didn't mention the ark cover this time. There is so much wrong with the pieces up in our shul. We have to stop taking donations. Until they understand that donations can only be money, no more donations. The paper mache was a donation from a parent trying to get their kid's art out of the house. It's embarrassing. Chaim's mom didn't want the family name on the piece, but her son felt so good seeing it in shul. Now the name is on the piece and the family is embarrassed. Rightfully. They tried getting rid of the artwork, but nobody wanted it. I think the problem started when we opened the shul food pantry. People thought they could start dropping off anything they don't want. I had no idea people were so against sardines. Why they buy them is still a question. Many poor people are not happy receiving the artwork of third and fourth graders. What’s on the pieces at the shul? Nothing Jewish. A picture from Italy. No Jerusalem stuff. Most of the art is a child's profile. I think they make them draw that in school, and the parents don't want to hang it in the home. Very untalented children. I can't imagine that the teacher told every child to draw abstracts. We had a class on the different looks. The head nod from side to side is disappointment. That's the only head nod the rabbi gives. I don't know how the class was confusing. You never shake from side to side with a smile. It's always with closed lips of rage. The rabbi had to explain that the down and up head nod is a greeting. Yet, the up and then down can be disappointment. Single people have to pay a lot more for everything. We try to keep them out, but they pay. Now, that they pay, we give them awkward looks and try to not sit with them. The problem is that the shul dinner organizers sit them at tables. The addendum to the you have to say hi to people rule, is that you don't have to say anything to them, if they're single or divorced. Giving them head nods from side to side is encouraged. The people in our congregation don't greet each other. I feel like its turned into a Minyin they're trying to keep people out of. They're trying to keep the numbers under 10. A conversation of important and cool was had. It was decided at by the board that you can't be important or cool in our congregation, due to the numbers of people who care. The rabbi blamed it all on the Gabai. 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Sermons of Rebuke II: Naso6/10/2022
Announcements
There's leftover cheesecake from Shavuot. You can take some home, as everyone over-purchased. Cheesecake is very expensive. You can take it and feel like you did the right thing. We're trying to bring holiday happiness, and nothing brings more Simcha to our members than a deal. Next year, we suggest to not purchase more than eight cakes for a family of three. Softball team tryouts will be on Sunday. You have to make it to the list to sign up. If you do that, you're on the team. If you can't walk to the field, you can't be on the team. We need people that can walk this year. If there is rain, you should still come to shul. Davening does not get rained out. There are no rain delays for Mincha. Many men are angry they've been getting Galilah, and not Hagba. There is a reason why you're rolling the Torah and not lifting it. The role of lifting the Torah takes strength. To quote the Gabai, 'Work out. You're scrawny.' Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Drove... Levites are important too... I know they sit in the back and talk. They counted the Leviim... They did work back then, for the Temple... That is correct. They served the community. The Levites in our shul don't help. They haven't helped for years. They didn't even slice the cheesecake for the Shavuot Kiddish... No reason to give any tithes to them... Sam. You haven't done one Levite duty. Opening a juice factory is not a Levite duty. It's a business... You want the business and the tithe... Showing up to shul and helping roll the Torah. That’s a duty... Have you ever rolled a Torah to the right Parsha... You can't even find Bereishit... They're weak... Most of the congregation is out of shape. That's why we also lose the softball league every year. It's for out of shape people and we lose. We're more out of shape than out of shape people... Leviim can't even walk up for an Aliyah. They can't make it around the bases... Would they have been able to take apart the curtains of the Tabernacle and hauled them through the desert??? Sam. Stop. You hire farmers to help... Well your last name is Levi. And you get mad at the Gabai for not calling you up ot the Torah. Chutzpah... He can't call you up for Hagba. You're too out of shape... Maybe two columns. It’s pathetic... The Levites have families. Gershon, Kehat and Merari. I don't think one full family has shown up to shul in... Sam. You're not part of any of them... Make up your mind... It's not about benefits... Lineage back to Levi is good enough... All impure people are sent out of the camp... It's not a summer camp. They didn't have tennis and boating... The kids are disgusting. Dirty as anything. And then... It was a desert!!! They had arts and crafts. They had shop. They built the Tabernacle... That was the activity. (Bamidbar 5:1-3) 'And H' spoke... Command the children of Israel and send from the camp all those who have Tzaraas... contaminated by a human corpse... expel them, so they should not contaminate their camps that I live within...' We would never get a Minyin. This whole congregation is impure. You can't roll the Torah if you have Tzaraas... It's dirt. Might be Tzaraas. The kids at camp are just filthy. They have rest time. They have letter time. No shower time... If they do, they have to enforce it... We need the bad athletes off the softball team... Even if they're counted onto the team. Expel them to the stands... We don't need the 'spirit, yes we do'... This impurity is killing our shul's reputation... Impure people can’t join the community. Weak people can’t lift the Torah or join the softball team. Levites in our shul can’t do anything… No ability… Look at the Parsha. You had tasks… Now that we know Sam isn't a Levite… Thought services were rained out??? The rain excuse again?! Weakness is what that is. If you can't show up to Minyin because of rain... Then clean your hair before putting on Tefillin... Rain deosn't contaminate. Mikvahs are built with... No rain delays in shul. Think of it as a domed stadium. The Anshei Emes USefilah Dome, with non-athletic people... The softball league also doesn’t have rain delays… It’s not hardball. The most exciting thing in the game is if somebody slips... You were hoping for rain delays, because you’re lazy and weak… And you’re a very impure congregation… The Chazin davening is enough of a delay. The way he leads services has us staying for an extra half hour. His rendition of the Amidah is a delay... Sam. You don't work when it's sunny out. I've you heard you call off work due to sun delays... The Halacha is that you shouldn't run into a shul as shelter from the rain... It's disrespectful, like you talking now. Bernie. That's why it's a law... If there is nowhere else to find shelter. If you can't find a tree... So, you get wet. You came in and for a minute... You left when the rain stopped... If you're coming in to get out of the rain, you have to pretend like you came to shul, and join the Minyin... Tons of members don't have decent air-conditioning. That's why we get a Minyin when it's very hot... It's Halachikaly wrong if you don't stay for Minyin... But the new central air is amazing. Trust me. Check out Sadie's seat... Shul doesn’t have rain delays or Levis who work as Levis... It would be nice if people showed up next Shavuot... You stay up all night when it's not Shavuot... Rivka’s Rundown They slept right through Shavuot learning. The congregants couldn't even stay up for the all night learning till 1am. Finding out Sam Levi is not a Levite was a bit of a shocker to all of us. That's confusing. The weird thing is that he always leaves the shul for Musaf on holidays. Now we know he doesn't go out to wash the Kohens' hands. He's just taking breaks. Who's been washing the Kohen's hands all these years? The rabbi is correct. We're an out of shape shul. Most of the Leviim can't even walk up to get their Aliyah. Now, we don't even know if there are any real Levis in the shul, or people who just sneak out and steal Aliyahs. The rabbi started a shul gym class. The problem is that most of the members are contaminated and they were all sent out of the class. Rained out??? That's how you know people are weak. If you can't walk in the rain. I think some of the members are embarrassed. They think their reputation in town will get hurt if they're seen walking in the rain. The board mentioned that people walking in the rain look homeless. Which is how we came up with surrogate members. This way other people show in your stead and nobody is embarrassed. The problem is that we needed Jews. A lot of congregants do take advantage of the shul. Some have tried to shower in the sinks. When we had a drought, they were all in shul. They think of the shul more like a foodbank. The whole prayer and learning thing hasn’t caught on in our community yet. Maybe in another fifteen or so years. The rabbi is trying. He even told everybody to learn the thirteenth chapter in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. It’s less than a page. I don’t even think our membership can translate the name of the book. The Gabai blamed for everything. All I we ever here at Kiddish is the men talking about 'why Galila?' I even told some of them, 'You haven't hit the gym. You're scrawny as anything.' I told them they should join our crossfit class. The men are so lazy and weak. They can't them Hagba. The rabbi instituted the Chabad style Hagba recently, where you do the rolling on the table, due to lack of strength. Why the Gabai used the word ‘scrawny’ was a bit much. He sounded like a bully from the ‘70s. At the time it was a bit much, but once I used it, I thought it fit Tzivi's body type. We haven't been getting a lot of people at shul recently. Some still use COVID as an excuse. Tons of people showed for Yizkur. The memorial stuff draws a lot of people. The rabbi wants to start having more Yizkur services. He mentioned having one every Shabbat, so we can be sure to get a Minyin. A lot of people showed. I haven't seen some of them in a really long time. I thought they were dead. It's good I didn't call Fran's kids to extend my condolences. There were around 80 wheelchairs. To draw more people the board is trying to figure out if we should get rid of seats, for the wheelchair space. The buses in town do it. Yizkur appeal cards were handed out. The rabbi gave a big speech. He really performs when it comes to dead people. He knows how to get people to flip over the $1,800 donation. The pre-Yizkur appeal speech had them with the idea of getting their relatives out of hell for $1,800. I think the fundraising committee is going to start using that around Yahrzeit times too. We just have to let the congregants know that it's not a one-time fee. Hel can sneak up at anytime there's Yizkur or a Yahrzeit. It's good we don't do the census stuff anymore. It would be pathetic to count three heads. I like when the announcements have suggestions, like not to over-purchase cheesecake. It goes bad. Babkas can last years. Cheesecakes will go bad, even in the fridge. You can freeze them, but then you have to wait a week to eat it. Next week, they should make a suggestion for people to wear raincoats when it's raining. They should also put in a note of no umbrellas. The people using umbrellas look so not religious, sinning on Shabbat. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Bechukotai5/27/2022
Announcements
Shabbat Mvorchim is this Shabbat. So, do not come to shul on Tuesday, Rosh Chodesh, if you're going to complain about showing up late to work. If you don't care about God, and you can't stand how Simmy davens reals slow, like myself who finds it annoying, please don't come. The Jerusalem Day performance will not take place on Jerusalem Day. It will be in August, so the Finkelwitz family can be there. The board of rabbis said we can't say Hallel then, as the Finkelwitz family showing up to a program is not a big enough miracle. If they showed for Minyin, there would be reason for extra praises to God. We still welcome the donations from the Finkelwitzs and they are still the best congregants. People are still mad about last year's performance. The Pita Hoppers last year turned out to not be a Jerusalem group. To everybody's chagrin, they were a local group from Jerusalem, Kansas. For Memorial Day we thank our soldiers for the sales at Marshalls. 60% off. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom vYom Yerushalyim Sameach… You're allowed to be happy, even though you're not in Jerusalem... It may be a sin. But be happy... Be happy you're sinning and don't support Israel... You're probably going to Gehenim for not living in Jerusalem. Enjoy it now... Don't go in their ways. Go in our ways. That's the message. You've been going way too much in their ways... You know who they are. Look at the back left section of the shul... Don't follow them to the Kiddish club. Tzimi is not somebody to follow... Playing pickleball. That's their ways. Ice hockey... Jews play floor hockey... Jewish girls do play with Barbie... (Vayikra 26:3) 'If you go with My decrees and guard My commandments, and do them...' You don't do them... You guard nothing. This shul has been without security for years. Nobody stands near the ark... Yeah. There's anti-Semitism... We're not talking about other... What other commandments are there? What other Mitzvot are you following? Are you following the commandments of not paying with change and Benny's Bodega?... It's a bodega. Those are rules. They called them commandments for fun. To give it a fun edge... Yes. You have to do them too. You haven't done anything for years, Michel... Your house?! You haven't worked on it. The lawn looks disgusting... (Vayikra 26:4) 'I will give you rain in its proper time...' First blessing is rain. If you treated your lawn... Well why hasn't it rained in Topeka?... It's almost June, Bernie... ‘In its time.’ Do we want rain in February? No. It turns into icicles. You want another ice storm? Michel hasn’t fixed his gutters since the last one... If you were in Jerusalem, it would be raining in August... That's a curse, Rivki... War will go well... Won't have enemies... Yes. There are a lot of blessings... You don't want it raining in the middle of a war. That kills the view. You can't get good pictures like that... You want war? We praise our soldiers who've been out there in combat... I understand you've combated people not learning enough Torah. The Army of H' is not a real army... Let's be honest. The Army of H' takes too much credit... They did not recapture Jerusalem... Going to war with the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination) is important. Memorial Day is more for the soldiers who fight for their country and defend it... We're proud of Chaim for fighting the Yetzer Hara and telling people to not speak Lashon Hara. A real soldier… If people got shot for speaking Lashon Hara, they would stop. Now, they just try to have conversation when Chaim is not around... It's action. 'And do them.' We have to do the Mitzvot. You listen to me talk about them... Do some of them. Honor the fallen... Bring some decent rain, for the sake of... (Vayikra 26:14) 'But if you don't listen to Me...' Yes. Bad stuff will happen Bernie... (26:26) '...you will eat and not be sated.' Does that not sound like Kiddish last week? One bowl of tuna... For the sake of Jerusalem and our softball team, do some Mitzvot. For crying out loud... For our soldiers. For those who gave their lives for us... At least do a Mishebeyrach... I know it costs money. You donate in their memory... Memorial Day. Blessing in memory... In respect. Even better. There are sales… We want to thank the soldiers for that... The Finkelwitzs are still the best congregants. They are not annoying. They don't come to shul. Love them... If you do bad stuff, bad stuff happens. Do I have to repeat this message every week??? We've finished Vayikra this week... You're annoying... And a Mazel Tov to our Bat Mitzvah... And the Shalom Zachor last night... Rivka’s Rundown That was a real plight to do Mitzvot, so our softball team would do well this season. I think the families of the Shalom Zachor and the Bat Mitzvah girl's family appreciated knowing that keeping Mitzvot is important. I think the Bat Mitzvah is the reason for the curse and the bad stuff happening. It was raining on Shabbat. The reason for that we will never know. The congregants wanted proof of blessing, so the rabbi had to bake and cook for everybody. When it came out bad, he blamed it on the congregants and their sinning. The rabbi said that fighting the Yetzer Hara thoughts is not an action. He explained that thoughts are not actions. Tzimi was confused, as he has thought to do Mitzvot before. The Finkelwitzs did say they thought to come to shul. I know I've thought to visit sick people. The thought has crossed my mind. I think that's good enough for a blessing. I'll bring that up to the rabbi. The rabbi made a good point, that following the rules of Target, to not purchase more than one pack of hockey cards, is not a Mitzvah. That had many of the congregants confused for the next week or so, as they said it is a commandment of Target. It would be nice if Michel took care of his house and followed the laws of Topeka, to not have a disgusting lawn. Those are Topeka commandments. Congregants started sitting in their Makom Kavuahs (set seats) again. They said the chart of new seats was not their Makom Kavuah, so they didn't listen to the rule. Had hearts of palm in the salad at Kiddish. Max was so excited. He told everybody, ‘They have hearts of palm in here.’ I explained that they’ve been doing that for the last forty years. He was still excited. Never seen him so happy. He truly brought me joy to hearts of palm. Once we introduced the avocado and hearts of palm salad to Kiddish, Max told us, 'That's what I've been praying for all these years. It's a blessing. How did you do it?' Explaining how to mix hearts of palm and avocados into a salad was not easy. It also wasn't easy explaining why this wasn't listed in Parshat Bechukotai as one of the blessings. He wanted a blessing that there will be rain, and your salads will have hearts of palm in them. The kind from the can. People are now speaking a lot of Lashon Hara and Chaim is getting violent. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Behar5/20/2022
Announcements
Couples counseling is now taking place in the shul lobby on Mondays. We ask the Feigenwitzs and the Bergmans to come, to help us explain your messed up children. FA has been meeting in our shul as well. The difference between the meetings is that Families Anonymous is for couples who fight in front of their kids. No parking in shul parking lot on Shabbis. People have become too bold. Now they have reserved spots. They have Shabbis signs. The board discussed it and they decided that driving on Shabbat is forbidden. From now on, you can only park in the parking lot if you pay a parking membership fee. We formed the Death Committee this week. To capitalize on people passing, letters will go out to families around Yahrzeits, with appeal cards inside. Our new 'support the shul so your family member has a chance at going to heaven' committee will also knock on doors the day of Yahrzeits, with appeal cards. Engraved name specific Yizkur candles will also be for sale. They’re a great way to make money. Scented candles optional. Chanel Number 5 will be available for Bubbies. The new funds will help raise money for the in-shul jungle gym, in memory of whoever gives the most money. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils… There has been a lot of property fights in our congregation... I know the silver pointer 'Yad' with your name on it is yours, Shlomo... They used it, because you left it on the Shulchan. It was there, right on the table. Stop leaving your stuff around. When it comes to Israel, (Vayikra 25:23) 'the land shall not be sold in perpetuity, because the land is Mine. For you're sojourners and settlers with Me'... In the shul, you're just takers... You are a sojourner in the land. It's H's... Perpetuity here means forever. All the time... You ask me questions in perpetuity... Everything is temporary, except for questions from Fran and Bernie, and Max, and... That's why I've been late to Kiddish. Too many questions in perpetuity... Kiddish is good now. The sisterhood will mess it up. They think Kiddish is theirs... We have to understands that we are sojourners... We have to have the understanding that we are not owners. Temporary residents... They make the best congregants. That's what H' wanted in Israel. Decent congregants. Sojourners. Not people who fight over the rabbi's salary. The land is H's... He says 'Mine' but he shares. You just have to understand that you can't take everything... You take all the kichel at Kiddish and think it's yours. That's why nobody shares with you. That's why nobody asks if you want to cut them at the table... If they asked if you wanted something, you would say 'all of it'... That's why nobody does you favors... You think it's yours. H' shares with people who know it's His... That's why are blessed when the land rests in the seventh year. You wouldn't know... You also don't live in Israel... We have no real home in this world... The Finkelwitz residence is not a house... The shul is not your residence... I know you're parking right at the shul's entrance on Shabbis. That has to stop... I support Families Anonymous. I would rather deal with anonymous people than the Finkelwitzs… I know how bad the kids have it... The parents think they own everything... 'Who broke my remote!!!!' The kids live their too. You can share the remote... Life is about understanding it is not ours... You're sojourners in this shul, so share Kiddish... Your Makom Kavuah has caused so many fights... Share your seat for crying... The shul is not your home... You're sleeping, Bernie... Everything goes back to Him in the Jubilee Year. Yovel... You built a fence on his land. That's wrong... You can't now say it's yours... Stealing over time is still stealing... You squatted on His land. That doesn't mean you own it. If I do bench press in your yard for five years, that doesn't make it my yard. It makes me a bad neighbor... It's God's land. Do you own God... You put your Siddur on his shtender. That's wrong. You have intruded his shtender space... You can't overtake somebody else's land, that is renting from God... I understand it's confusing, because you've inherited everything and you've never been a renter... You get your stuff back in the Jubilee Year... It's a jubilee because finally people aren't ripping you off anymore. Garages aren't taking all your money... (Vayikra 25:14) When you sell stuff or make a purchase 'do not aggrieve one another.' Everytime I talk to the board, I get aggravated. Bad congregants.... You're sojourners... You think it doesn't aggravate him when you steal part of the land... Buyers can be annoying too. They can kill a jubilee… If you understand that it is God’s, and your business dealings are with God, you won’t be a jerk… You charged the shul to honor your grandfather with a Kiddish... You think God doesn't know how to haggle? Try ripping off God... Once you understand that you are settlers without true ownership, you will be living with God... It's His... Your shtender is His... You don’t own a parking spot at the shul… We’re Shomer Shabbis… Just mow your lawn. It's a shanda. There is no jubilee with a lawn like that... Take care of H's lawn... Maybe in the Jubilee Year, you can't mow it in Israel... You're in Topeka... Right now this shul needs a jubilee... A gymboree. All the same... All brings happiness... No jubilee has ever happened at Mike's Garage... If he had a Gymboree… Jubilee has never happened when you thought the Kiddish was yours and then ... Some of that kichel has been around for a jubilee. It's time to get rid of it... The parking lot is H’s... Respect it all. It’s all H’s… Treat it well. Understand that it's not yours and you shouldn't treat it like your lawn... And a slave. A Jewish slave must be sent free… Again. Not yours. It’s all H’s. You don’t own people… Merv pays very well. Those people aren’t leaving the shoe business… How else do you steal... You steal my time. Maybe you can rest from questions... Rivka’s Rundown Everybody was safe on Lag BaOmer. They stayed away from the kids, with their bows and arrows. Once the rabbi told everybody about the bows and arrows and bonfires tradition, the elderly stayed inside. They really are bold. Some of the members have been parking right in front of shul. Right near the door. The Seder at the rabbi's house had ten cars outside. Bold as anything. Even parked at the fire hydrant. He invited the congregants and it turned into a religious protest at his house. They even rang the bell. Squatting on H’s land was taken to heart by many, who thought it was a brilliant idea. I noticed that the parents of the kids who made the bonfire in back of the shul have set up a tent. The rabbi decreed that they pay for two Shabbat parking spots. My neighbor is squatting on my land. Why does he need to make things awkward? He's not even a congregant. People purchasing can be annoying. I've been trying to sell stuff on Ebay. They ask questions. Anybody who asks a question is not buying. The rabbi doesn't allow congregants to do business anymore with other members. He said, 'I know the congregants are annoying. Dealing with them in business, even as customers, will just aggrieve... David can't buy a thing without asking every question...' We decided to have a yearly jubilee. People were happy for a week, and then the jubilee became regular. Now everybody is back to complaining. The death committee is like the death lineup. A lot of people are cheering for them, as the NBA season comes to a close. A lot of death talk. They're very good at talking about people dying. Every conversation with them, death. I have a hard time hearing about death constantly. Everybody I talk to, 'Did you hear. She's dead... Great people. Dead... Great falafel store. He died...' I hope they're bringing in good money to the shul. 'She used to donate tons... Dead.' I heard that too. The rabbi started paying people to not be members. Members think they own everything. The Makom Kavuah just makes everyone uncomfortable. They don't share the seats at shul. All they do is kick people out of them. These people think they own those chairs. One member took their chair home and said, 'Not till the next Jubilee.' The rabbi then went on to say what members are thieves. He also went on to say which couples need couple counseling, and which families need Families Anonymous, explaining which children are wrong. He used the word 'wrong' to define the kids. Which might have led to more insecurity. The rabbi got an oil change and the garage overcharged him, five weeks ago. He's still mad about it. Everytime he goes to the garage, he works it into his sermon for a few months. A lot of anger. Every time he uses the word 'Rasha,' evil person, he's talking about his mechanic. As he mentioned in the sermon, mechanics are thieves as well. They think your car is theirs and they sojourn on it by ripping you off. The rabbi told Mike to get a Gymboree. Now people love going to Mike’s Garage, and they are happy getting ripped off. The rabbi has mixed up the shul seating chart so people can't kick guests out of seats anymore. It's uncomfortable. Even I got kicked out of my seat, when I accidently wore a big hat one day and they thought I was Mrs. Nafkowitz. Now, people finding their seats has turned into a very long activity. There's no signage, just a piece of paper with a shul chart. But you can't tell if it's the left or right side of the shul. People asking others if their seat is correct is fine. The way the men in the back left used to talk during Layning, you can hear the Torah reading better now. And it's very personable. It's like an icebreaker mixer every Shabbis, with a bunch of married people. Whoever made the chart for June third has caused a lot of fighting and aggravation. When asked about changing back to seats, so people can feel comfortable praying in a spot they are used to, to find their Kavanah (connection and focused meaning in prayer), the rabbi said he is resting this year from any questions from congregants. He also expressed how happy he is, and that is jubilating to not have to listen to congregants' questions or complaints. The rabbi was very clear that all questions from congregants are complaints. Our congregants have some wild untamed grass growing in their yards. If our congregants start to think they're sojourners, they'll never mow their lawns. Some these apartments are also a wreck. The rabbi's message of not being yours is not going to sell to the renters. As the sisterhood has started to tell me about Kiddish, ‘It’s up to H’ to do it.’ With the amount of grass, I wouldn't even call them lawns. They're fields. Small .1 acre fields, with a house somewhere in there. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke II: Achrei Mot4/29/2022
Announcements
The Israel Parade has been cancelled due to too many Jews being together. According to our city council, it's illegal to celebrate Israel. The council said Jews being happy and anti-Semitism wasn't the reason. To quote the mayor, 'Due to corona, we don't want to see Jews on the streets.' Yizkur this Pesach did not raise enough money. The Yizkur appeal didn't pull in the money we were expecting. Families don't care about the deceased as much anymore. The board decided that the shul needs to make more money off death. If the shul doesn't pull more funds with the appeal on the High Holidays we may start skipping Yizkur. The shul dinner doesn't pull enough money, so it's been decided to focus our fundraising on plaques and Shivas. Rewarding death with is medallions form is a good focus . After much discussion, the board voted to not ask for past payments of unpaid dues at people's Shivas. To celebrate Israel, this Yom HaAtzmaut we will host a vote. Israelis love voting, and thus the rabbi had the idea to vote to get rid of our shul president. The community event will have falafel made by Sima's Pastry Shop. It will be a chocolate falafel theme. That was the closest we could come to Israeli food with the limited restaurant resources. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Holy Pack… H' tells to Moshe to tell Aharon… Would you want to be the one to have to tell him to not light strange fires, after his children were killed because of a strange fire?!... Yes. H’ is smart. He is all knowing… You don’t want to deal with those emotions… Talking about sibling rivalry. This can be a cause… ‘Now you’re rubbing it in, Moshe? What kind of brother… Not even a “I extend my condolences”... It's just like when you got the good staff’... It's bold. It's like telling somebody their family member is gone, and they died because they did something wrong, so don't make that mistake. It's exactly that... But Aharon was a good man. He took it well... Yes. He loved his sons... Nadav and Avihu were good kids. You don't bring foreign fires... This isn't an immigration issue, Lisa... People listen after their children are killed. That's why we discussed fundraising at Shivas... The Mafia has taken this lesson to heart... Rashi (VaYikra 16:1) When a doctor tells you to not eat a radish or to sleep in a damp place it doesn’t mean anything. If he says, don’t do it, because you will die like Ploni… The best way to practice medicine is to injure people… We have to learn from people messing up. Never be like Ploni. Ploni ruins everything he touches… Don’t be like the board… Just don’t be like the board… Don’t be like Bernie… He's annoying. Bernie eats radishes too... A little harsh to kill his kids for the lesson, but teachers do what they have to. And that is why our day school needs more injuries. Parents have to stop caring about their kids so much... Safety is why the next generation is getting hurt... You learn from the past... The back left doesn't... You guys showed up to the Yom HaAtzmaut party drunk last year. And you're drunk now... You just got back from Kiddish Club. That means drunk... It was a bouncy house party... There were three year olds... We have to learn from the past and what people do wrong. Ira messed up his business. We can all learn from that... His store went down the tubes. We should learn from Ira and never open a store focused on candy bars. Convenience stores should have milk and eggs, Ira… We know people eat candy bars, but it’s not convenient when breakfast is a Twix… Michelle. Don’t be like Fran and Thelma… Don’t fight over who’s husband is better… Both of their husbands were not that great… When they said ‘it’s your side’ it was the husband’s sides in those families… The Bentawitz brothers always fighting… The board messed up the fundraiser and I believe every event last year. They killed every single holiday celebration… Purim Piñata event was messed up… The adults were drunk. They took a bat and whacked a kid… Yom HaAtzmaut… There were kids. You pre-gamed a bouncy house. It's wrong. Pizza is not an Israeli dish… It’s falafel and shawarma... You guys could've killed somebody. Which is pointless, because the shul is making nothing off that nowadays... Many holy people have passed away. May we learn from the past and give money to the shul. The community Yom HaShoa program, like Yizkur, was not well attended… Let us first connect with the past and get people to shul… Rivka’s Rundown That was the rabbi’s last-ditch effort to raise money off death. At the end, the rabbi talked about caring about the deceased. He realized that people have to start to care. They have no connection or care. The rabbi sees us as a pack. We're a group. A group that has failed at putting together a decent Yom HaAtzmaut program. I think we're more of a herd. The message of learn from the congregants, don’t be like them, was well received by the congregants. I eat Twix for breakfast. To be honest, I think Ira sold me on that. He's onto something. Though, it would be nice if he had milk. Twix and milk is good. We're watching over the kids too much nowadays. Shabbat youth groups is more attended by parents. I believe they are now calling it a beginners Minyin for parents who are coming to shul for the free babysitting. Now we can’t even have an Yom HaAtzmaut event this year. I think the city council heard about the chocolate falafel balls, and said that they can’t allow this event to happen. They didn't want to make it an anti-chocolate-falafel-Semite think, so they just said, 'No Jews gathering.' WHJI will be having a public gathering. We Hate Jews in Israel said that Jews can come, as they need a target for the dunking booth. The board really does mess up every holiday. Brisket on Yom HaAtzmaut was also messed up. Though it was a legitimate mistake. It is a Jewish holiday. The rabbi didn’t mention the parade, because he also doesn’t like the idea of chocolate falafel balls. Began is turning over in his grave and asking why the membership doesn't give money to Israel. Much of the membership is thinking of starting their own committee of people who give money to nothing. They are now meeting every week, as it is hard to turn away death. As the rabbi said, 'May all of the holy people who have passed and gone to Olam Haba, have an arising of their soul. We thank all the Kedoshim and the soldiers who gave their lives to sanctify God's Name and to bring holiness to this earth, even if their family gives nothing to the shul.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Pesach is next week. Don't forget it like you did the Freidberg Shiva. Sell your Chametz. You don’t need a yard sale this year. Fill out the sheet at the shul and cover it in your home. The yard sales last year, of pasta noodles, was pathetic. It had the whole of Topeka asking why Jews can't donate food to the pantry, like decent humans. Let's keep our leftover food sales private, to lessen anti-Semitism. No dropping off your Chametz at the shul. There are Jews in the shul too. We understand you want your stuff out of your house. We don't want it. Please also stop dropping off books and pans you don't want anymore. Shabbat HaGadol Drasha will be long. The Shabbat visit sing-alongs to the nursing homes are now required to have participants under the age of eighty. Last time the shul visited, the facility was worried that too many new people were looking to be admitted. They said they couldn't handle such an influx, and they didn't want Bernie there. Rabbi Mendlechm’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Holy People… I’m feeling impurity. Like an uncleanliness in the back left of the shul… It just smells really bad… Pesach is coming. The least you can do is shower… A lot of nasty talk about others… It's called Lashon Hara, Bernie. We understand that Fran has not done well by the Kiddish, and Mark and Menachem are still fighting over who is better at leading Shacharit. We don’t talk about others, even if our youth director is scaring the kids… Menachem is better for scaring people into saying Ya’aleh vYavo. He does bang harder. It’s still Lashon Hara, even if we all have to watch over the youth director like a hawk, to make sure our kids are safe… Though, all the kids did say Ya'aleh vYavo. How do we become pure?... First. You stop talking. You have to ask how you got Tzara’at. Lashon Hara is probably it. Sitting in the back left is how you get Tzara'at… Ask how your home grew that mold on the shingles… And soap. Use soap to clean for Pesach... (Vayikra 14:2-7) The one who received Tzara’at comes to the Kohen on the day of his purification. There are birds slaughtered... He's not going for a question. It's not a planned thing. People don't plan on Tzara'at... Shmuel could plan it daily. He could plan a Kohen visit daily, with the amount of Lashon Hara he speaks... You do a little slaughtering. That's the beginning of the process... (Vayikra 14:9) On the seventh day he shall shave his hair. Apparently, he needs to shave his haughtiness. His hair… Michael is showing off his hair again. We understand you’re young and you don’t have alopecia… It stands out in the back left. Look at all the men… They have no hair, and then you're rubbing up against them with your curls... I understand you can't control it. Nobody can control that much haughtiness... (Vayikra 14:10-21) On the eighth day he takes two lambs. One for… Yes. It’s a service. Becoming holy is a process. Seven days of separation, and then more slaughtering... Stages. That’s how you become holy. There are stages to purification. After the first day, he sits for seven, isolated… We don’t just let him back in the camp… Of course, he showers. You can’t let somebody back in the camp smelling like Tzara’at. The back left has a Tzara'at odor. Stinks of Lashon Hara... Tzara'at smells like Tzara'at... We need more isolation in this shul. If there was no Kiddish club, there wouldn't be such paleness... A very pale congregation... Now our camp has to clean. Stages... To get rid of the plae, a little more time outside... To get rid of the impurity from your home... Chametz is impurity. Your home is full of breadcrumbs... Pesach is coming. Cleaning is overwhelming and I feel the impurity in your homes. There are stages to Passover cleanliness… You spray later on. You start with the dusting. First stage is get the top. Like the hair that has to be shaved. Head first… You clean your hair first and feet last. Top to bottom… If you were a Metzora, head first. Your home is a Metzora... Everybody is talking Lashon Hara about it... The house goes, dusting, then wiping, then carpet, then hard floor… Who wipes before they dust?... Then skip the dusting. Wiping is the shaving of cleaning. Who doesn’t know that?!… Of course you use sprays. Sprays are a necessity. Why do you think they have Kosher sprays... You don't eat it. It says not to eat it. But you could, if you wanted... It's Kosher... Dusting is like combing the hair. Getting out lice... Selling Chametz is the final step of cleaning… It’s like a bad garage sale, where you don’t even put the stuff out for people to take. It’s more like a house sale, where the people can’t get in the house… Dropping off Chametz at the shul is not a stage in cleaning your house… There is no Kiddish coming up this week... Getting Chametz off your body is the step before any of the stages... Disgusting and filthy... Before all the purification, you have to stop talking… He’s still talking. That wasn’t even a hint. Shlomo. I was looking right at you… The first stage is to stop talking… That’s why they’re separated from people. You talk when you're with people. I think we should separate the back left… You don’t stop talking. And then you smell bad too. You should each pray in your separate room… You never smell bad to yourself. This is why the Kohen got involved. He let them know they were still dirty... Dirty with Tzara'at. We should have smell check Gabais. Why does the Metzora need his head shaved as part of the purification. (Vayikra 14:9) Kli Yakar teaches that he shaves ‘his head, and his beard and his eyebrows,’ because of his sin. The head represents haughtiness that he thinks he is better than the person he talks bad about. The beard represents the mouth that speaks the Lashon Hara. They eyebrows represent the narrowness of his seeing that leads him to jealousy and wanting to destroy another’s reputation... You shave your head, because you’re bald. It blends better. That has nothing to do with your humility, Baruch... Just get a haircut Michael... If you don't it's isolation. Nobody wants to see it… Back left.... Shlomo. That's a unibrow. A huge eyebrow. The amount of jealousy in that one brow... If you had two brows... You come to the community clean shaven, without haughtiness, narrowness of site, and a huge beard that you're talking out of... It's about being one and not whacking people with your hair, Michael. There is no 'eight inches of hair' in 'team'... You join the community. You come out for the sing-alongs to the nursing homes. You do things for others. You clean. You smell good. You don’t sit in the back left… You get a haircut before Pesach… We’ve got to get rid of that stuff to ensure that the process of purity happens... The stages are supposed to make us better. If you donated your Chametz to the shul, we would've had an excellent Kiddish this week... Packaged. Not perishable Chametz, that is good for Kiddish. Canned green beans doesn't help Fran make a decent Kiddish... Cheesecake is a nice thing... Not this week. It's already Pesach... Give it to the food pantry. Just make sure the packages are sealed... Closed is not enough. They can't take closed cottage cheese that's been open... Take a step back and don’t be all high on yourself… You’re not above cleaning. You have a messy home. Cleaning is the lowest thing for a haughty person. But a clean home. One that shines is respectful… Now you’re having an ego about your clean home. That’s the problem. You… Rivka’s Rundown The yard sales were a bit embarrassing. Half a box of noodles for sale was the lowest I have ever seen somebody go. The only justification is that the noodles last way after the expiration date. The congregants are going to have an ego about something. Be it their dirty home, their clean home, their humility. They are going to be haughty about it. I don't know if we'll ever have thin eyebrows that don't narrow our views of others. Shlomo's brows are huge. The rabbi’s start to his sermon was brilliance. How he called everybody holy and then said they’re impure, only our rabbi can do that. There is not much purity in the shul. It’s very dirty. They haven’t vacuumed the halls since last Pesach. The rabbi's hair has been thinning. I feel it's important to note that, before discussing Michael. Michael wasn't embarrassed. If the rabbi embarrassed anybody it would be forbidden. But he doesn’t embarrass people. He just tells them how wrong they are. The rabbi insisted that everybody get haircuts. Some think it had to do with the Omer coming up, where we have a tradition to not get haircuts till Lag BOmer, around thirty-three days away. I think he just wanted us to get rid of the haughtiness. He’s a bit bald himself. His hair is at least thinning. And he feels that thinning hair has a lot to do with humility. Michael’s hair is always flopping around. Haircuts can also help with the hygiene in the back left. What’s amazing is that many are very bald, and they still have egos. I don’t know how the Kli Yakar would explain our membership. Some of them do grow their hair out to the sides. Very far out to the sides. The older men might get their haughtiness from their eyebrows. All anybody in shul can talk about is Michael’s hair. It’s not just his haughtiness. It is the Lashon Hara. You can’t see over his huge bush of hair. It stands a good foot over his head. It kills conversations. Parents have lost their children in shul because of it. They couldn’t find the kids. You have to part his hair. And when you part his hair, he takes it as though you want to give him attention. The youth director took the six year olds on a camping trip. Insisted their parents didn’t show. He told a scary story about a bear, with a flashlight. Then, a bear showed up. Pesach is now 'Cleaning Awareness Month' in our shul. It's the first great initiative of our sisterhood. The issue is that nobody made it past their home, so the shul is still dirty. It’s good the rabbi announced that Pesach is coming up. The Freidberg home’s lawn is a wreck. I hope they clean it. I don't care if it's Chametz or not, they need to clean. It’s good the rabbi shared his cleaning technique. The people needed that. The Friedbergs definitely need some lessons. Starting from top to the bottom. ‘Wiping is the shaving of cleaning.’ Profound and brilliant at the same time. The rabbi also shared the cleaning concept of starting at the top. There are so many practical lessons in our rabbi's sermons. Starting at the top is just another amazing practical lesson. It works for homes, showers, who you give the honors to on Yom Kippur. For Yom Kippur, you look at the top of the donation chart; you give those people the Kavods, honors, first. Never let a low chart person open the ark for Aleynu. For the Friedbergs, the rabbi should've mentioned that you then clean the outside of the house, so that you can then mow your lawn. People are still dropping off stuff at the shul. They feel that because Pesach is a religious holiday, and it’s a religious thing to get rid of Chametz, they should bring their Chamtez to the shul. The shul nursing home visits are depressing for the residents. I don’t think the people in the facility like to see people in worse shape than them. Nobody seems to want to see Bernie. The Pesach class wasn’t attended by anybody. They were all cleaning. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Freidberg Shiva is over. You missed it. They know you don't care. No holding somebody's arm at Kidddish. We've had too many complaints about Hymie not letting people go in the middle of his jokes. People must be allowed the freedom to escape conversation. There's no need for violence, to get people to listen. Hymie has also caused a 10% drop in membership. We're raising money for Ukraine, cause we found that nobody pays their dues. So, we're supporting another cause. The Ukraine fund won't take pledges. After consulting with our office, they understand that pledges won't work. They're only taking cash. They're also afraid that you will cancel the credit card payment and ask for a refund on your kindness. Selling Chametz means it's not yours, but it is. So sell with the rabbi, who will get rid of it for you, while you keep it in your house. We're hosting a youth convention next month. In preperation, Wednesday, there will be a class in how to lean into a picture properly. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom and Rosh Chodesh Tov… Rosh Chodesh. Nobody cares. OK… They should’ve smacked the table louder, so people knew to say ‘Ya’aleh vYavo.' Fear is the only way to get them to say it… They don't remember if they're not scared... Holding people hostage is Asur. It is forbidden to hold them hostage in conversation, Hymie… You trap people in conversation. I’ve seen you do the arm hold… It’s friendly? It’s a felony. You once attacked me with a joke about an imam and a priest… So what if they don’t want to hear the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha. The sermons don’t hold them hostage. Their sins do… I’ve seen it Hymie. Stop. You do the arm hold and say, ‘You’ve got to hear this.’ We’ve seen it. Pesach is coming and we must be pure. Free of sin… Chametz is not pure. Your kitchen is filthy. We’re talking about personal cleanliness. Higiene… The Beit Hamikdash was not dirty... Purity. Go to the Mikvah. And clean yourself before going in the Mikvah… You can’t just do what you want. Even if you’re doing the right thing, you can still be impure. Holy and impure… No. Bernie. You’re just impure... (Vayikra 12:4) After her days of impurity, the mother that gave birth has to sit for extra days. ‘She shall sit in the blood of her purity. She shall not touch anything holy, and to the Sanctuary she shall not come…’ In those days of purity, she cannot come… She didn’t sit in blood. It wasn’t a collected puddle from children who injured themselves at the playground… Watch the kids. Giving birth is not a sin... That's exactly what I'm saying Benjamin. She did a Mitzvah and she still has to separate herself. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves for good. Some of our members separating would be appreciated. It would be good if Hymie separated himself from prospective members at Kiddish… This way they would want to join… Chametz is good, but we separate from it on Pesach. There are times to separate, even when we are pure... That is why I am going away for Pesach. Even in her purity she cannot touch the holy stuff. Even in a good pure and positive state, it is better to not be around Kodesh sometimes… Holy has its right times as well… In our congregation, it’s not the right time for holy… When will it be? I don't believe there will be. Can't think of a holy time... That Bat Mitzvah was messed up. Sucked the holiness right out of the sanctuary... That wedding? I believe there was an annulment before it happened... We don't do annulments, but it was that messed up. Sucked the wedding right out of the hall that day. Couldn't even call it a Simcha... When there is life, we should stay away from Kodesh sometimes. To support the living. To support somebody else who needs our aide… Watch your kids already. It is getting to a point of… You visit the sick. You go to a Shiva house. Show you care... The Friedbergs would've appreciated that. I know you didn't. That's the problem. you also didn't come to shul... Yes. We're in a sanctuary right now... You didn't go to the Shiva house or shul... There is more to life than being holy… You’re not holy anyways. At times, there is more than Kodesh, holiness. And that is your requirement. Being with this membership brings down my level of holiness, but I do it… To stop you from sinning more, I have to be unholy. That's why I party sometimes. To connect with you all, I have to drink... The children need their mother. Do they not?... You abandoned your children. Look at Jennifer. She's on the stairs to the Bima, stage, right now... It's a sermon. That's abandonment... Yes. There are times to not be in the sanctuary. Maybe playgroups is a place to be. If you watched them, they wouldn’t be knocking their heads into poles at the jungle gym. There is a reason you get off of work… It’s not time for a vacation for you. Getting off work itself has a different kind of holiness… Your kids are running around the shul. That's when you don’t come into the Sanctuary. You watch over them. Because they’re loud. There are sharp tables for a reason... You have a requirement… They wouldn’t be walking around with blood dripping all over if you watched them... Who shouldn’t come into the Sanctuary? Little Pinchas. Running around the shul again… He shouldn’t be in the sanctuary. His parents should be in the sanctuary, to take him out. If we separated some members, it would be good for our congregation... The softball team. Some people shouldn't be on the baseball field... Nothing to do with holiness. They're just bad. It hurts our chances... Requirements cause us to separate sometimes… Usually we want people back, but… The Friedbergs aren't here because you let them down... We would like to welcome the Janklowitz family to our community. Jayson, Jess, Julie, Jill, Jack, Jake… Jack and Jake are the same. Jillian, Jermey, Joseph. It’s a pleasure to have you… Sorry. We also welcome Jennifer Janklowitz… The Janklowitzs should be here. We're happy to have you... No. Nobody gave birth. They just don’t come to shul… Stay away from the Janklowitzs. Your staying away makes for greater holiness in our congregation, Hymie. At least more people wanting to be members… Take that seat. They don’t show. We welcome them. We spend time welcoming them, even when it takes away time from Davening. We nurture… I nurture. Nothing nurturing in the back left… Nurturing comes before holiness. It's time for repentance. Rosh Chodesh... Nobody cares. We'll talk about repentance on Rosh Hashana... That's Rosh Chodesh too... Watch the kids for crying out loud. We're about to start Musaf... And that is the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha. Here's a packet… Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi gave the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha a week early. A faux pas. The three Torahs that were brought out had everybody in a bit of daze. The Drasha was great. Many sources. It was good he just handed out the packet and stopped right after that. As long as there are sources. That’s what the congregants want. There was also a Nietzsche source and a Freud. They love the nonTorah sources. Anything to do with Torah just lets the congregants down; they don't want that from Judaism. A beautiful sermon and teachings on the thought of separation being holy in itself, even when it’s separating from holy, for another requirement. The whole idea of not showing to the sanctuary, the rabbi couldn’t get a Minyin the following week. Parents have to do their job. They take no responsibility. It’s like they come to shul to throw the kids on the congregation. They make it a point to not send them to groups. Groups are the place we throw kids. They come to shul and we relegate them to groups. Kids belong in batches. That's how we educate them, and keep them from bothering us in shul. I believe they had groups in the times of the Temple. I'm not sure. During the summer, there are no groups, as we throw the kids in summer camps. If the parents don't do send them to groups, we get Shmulik on it. Shmulik scares them enough to want to be with other people, for protection. The problem is Shmulik took his winter vacation last week. The Janklowitzs showed up. That was a beautiful welcome to their family. It took the rabbi three months to tell them they're not right. I like that the Janklowitzs kept to the ‘J’ theme. I commend them for sticking to it. After the rabbi said it was Rosh Chodesh, twelve people got up to start redoing the Amidah, the silent prayer. They all realized they forgot to say ‘Ya’aleh vYavo.’ So, the whole congregation waited for them to finish that before the rabbi continued with the Drasha. It was messed up. Nobody remembers to say Ya'aleh vYavo unless if the rabbi scares them into it. I once had to repeat the Amidah eighteen times. I suggested to the board to have a banger, a loud first Ya'aleh vYavo caller, a look given to each congregant from the rabbi (one that exudes guilt), and to have Shmulik walk around and command them to say it. If we cover all the bases, some of the members will remember to say it. People started reporting conversations with Hymie, when he told them a joke. They walked to shul the following week with ‘I’m a victim of conversation’ Tshirts. The rabbi did a great job of justifying his vacation. He didn’t even stay to sell the Chametz for the congregants. He ran and said it was because of their misdeeds. We were all confused. He just wanted out. In the end, he told us to sell it online. He said there's less of a chance of a random person walking into your house if they're online. Finally, a seat was shown and there wasn’t an uncomfortable conversation about sitting in a person’s seat. First time. Usually, new people come and they’re told they can’t sit. Then we have to explain that people have seats. We should tell visitors to carry seats from their homes. That would be more welcoming. People have stopped asking how the kids are doing. The're afraid it will be a conversation. Once people stopped saying ‘good’ and added information as to grandkids and college, we lossed members. Now people can’t show they care anymore. I couldn't get away from discussion about the sick family member. I hope they're OK. I just don't have the time to listen. I care, I just have to run. I wanted to say, 'I'm out of here. I hope they make it.' Though Hymie never assaulted me, I was a victim of having to care. I joined in solidarity and as a victim the following week. I sported the shirt, 'I am a victim of conversation.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke Year II: Shemini3/25/2022
Shul Announcements
•Mazel Tov to Dr. and Dr. Mendelwitz on the birth of their new granddaughter they won't see for the next year and a half, as their daughter hasn't visited Topeka since she needed more funds for college. We would appreciate it if you did pay your dues. •The shul softball has been cancelled, due to lack of decent athletes in our synagogue. As Felvel said, 'It's a Chilul H' to see you people play sports.' •No more taking coats from the coat room, unless if they are yours. If anybody stole Rivka's coat, please return it. We have no idea where Fran got the new coat. It is very similar to Rivka's maxi coat, and it is big on Fran. •The rabbi's class in 'The Hidden Torah Because You Don't Open a Sefer and Learn It' this week cannot be attended by Bernie, due to rabbi’s request. •No taking all the Kichel from the Kiddish table. We understand some of the older members are teething. Even so, some under eighty-five enjoy Kichel. Rabbi Mendelcehm’s Sermon Excerpt Shabbat Shalom To All Who Criticized Me Last Week… Yes. That’s to all of you… Much sinning. Lashon Hara… I have never heard a conversation not about me. I understand I’m the rabbi… You stole my coat too... Taking coats from the coatroom is stealing. Even if it’s a similar jacket. It's a sin… They don’t make them Hefker when they use a hanger. They did not deem their property ownerless, because they didn’t want to wear their trench into the sanctuary... I know that it's an open area. Did you take my Sefer? No. You did not take my Torah book, because you don't learn. You leave the coat in a coatroom and assume it's not going to be taken... And not being in shape enough to play softball… Taking care of your body is a Mitzvah. As is not eating eight pounds of Kichel at Kiddish… It’s softball. Do you know how out of shape you have to be to not be able to play softball? The question is how does this shul repent. (Vayikra 9:7) Moshe said to Ahron. ‘Come to the Altar and do your sin offering, and your burn offering, atoning for yourself and the people. And perform the sacrifice of the people, atoning for them…’ Yes. The Lord commanded it… First be decent, Bernie… I know you focus on others. That’s great. Aharon has to atone for himself first... I would assume you have stuff to atone for... Right there. Interrupting me. Atonement... You have to be decent before making decisions for others. Our president is not decent. Focus on yourself first… I know you focus on my sins as a rabbi who teaches classes and visits the sick… How about you first atone for yourself and visit the sick… I know they’re sick. That's why you visit... So you catch something. Now we have to get rid of Bikur Cholim. Visiting the sick isn't a positive thing to do anymore. Just lock them up so they can be more depressed... Maybe if you were in shape... Yes. The Lord commanded it… I have to explain that too... How about Bernie read the Torah Portion and atone for not learning Torah… Yes. It’s a Mitzvah. You wouldn’t know that, because that Mitzvah is in the Torah, and you don't learn it to. Rashi explains the word ‘Krav,’ approach, come to. ‘Aharon was bashful and feared to approach. Moshe said to him, “Why are you bashful? For this you were chosen.”’ You should be bashful. This congregation needs a bit of relcutance. A little humility would go along way. We wouldn't have this gauty window and art work if… It got Aharon the Kehuna... Don’t be bashful when it’s your calling. You’re very bashful when giving Tzedakah. Never give it. A lot of humility when you're donating to the shul... Thelma. You didn't even give for Matanot LaEvyonim. Gifts for the poor on Purim... A dollar is not a gift. Very bashful with your money... No need for humility when it’s your thing. When it's a commandment. When it's a Mitzvah that you're called upon to do. You think I like giving sermons. You need it. You need to be told... Bernie and Hymie and Saul and Merv should be bashful. The back left should be bashful. The way you lost the softball game... Your socks need bashfulness. Why all the annoying designs. And they're flashy. Right in our face... Socks need bashfulness. Running to do a Mitzvah doesn't need... Exercise. Assume you're not in shape. Assume your wife is not attracted to you... 'Atoning for yourself and the people.’ Aharon, becoming a better person and focusing on himself, atones for others as well… Work on your softball game and we might be a better team and not look pathetic… Yes. Get in shape. That doesn’t mean ‘you’ve got to do you.’ That means ‘you’ve got to be the best you’… What’s with this ‘you do you?’ That’s not Jewish to be selfish… It’s about being the best you for the community and not stealing people’s coats… You can start atoning by returning the jacket. You focus on me.... What am I doing? Rebuking. That’s what my calling is… I don’t speak Lashon Hara about you. I rebuke you. A big difference. I tell you how annoying you are... When you find your calling, it’s also good for everybody else... If you don't force the congregation to have to see this piece of... It's the worst work of art for a shul. It has a fluorescent purple hue. It goes with the quilt on the Ark. All messed up... Don't mess up anymore. That's how you atone... No. You can't atone for me... Rivka’s Rundown Visiting the sick isn't a Mitzvah anymore. COVID killed Bikur Cholim. It seems like nobody in our shul cares about anybody that is not at shul. 'They don't show to shul it's on them... Can't walk. Their fault they got old... Let them die alone. They're sick. I don't want to catch old...' They're all worried about catching whatever the old people have. So, now the old people are stuck, alone, with their disease. Age. Everybody in the congregations assumes they're perfect. I don't think one guy in this shul has ever sinned. Ask them. It's not a sin. I don't even know why they come on Yom Kippur. I think they come to find out who the ones that sinned are. They see who is crying and they castagate the penitent one who incriminated themself. The art of the quilt and whatever that purple sun thing is are all very messed up. There seems to be a thing in our community where people get lavish gifts that they have to use. The Feinwitz family can't even get a TV, because their in-laws forced a painting on them. That takes up the den, and they can't get rid of it, as the in-laws will be offended. The husband blames the wife's parents for it, and the wife blames the husband's parents for it. Don't get me started on the huge Chanukiah in the Bergman home. The Vergstein family gave them that as a housewarming gift; which decorated their whole dining room for them, without their permission. So, now the shul is stuck with this stuff. Some of the kids didn’t get the correct message. They started a rock band and made it a point to perform without their shirts. They said it was a Jewish rock band and it's their calling. They could’ve at least performed with their Tzitzis. Bashfulness of socks would be appreciated by all. I can't stand having to see these kids with pants coming down to their shin, with these multi-colored annoyance I have to see. I say we kick the twenty year olds out of the shul. The shul needs to place security at the coat racks. The guard is at the entrance to the building. The criminals, like Fran, Hymie and Merv are stealing from the coatroom. I don’t know if it’s a safety measure. If somebody did try to take Hymie’s coat that wasn’t his, from him, it might get violent. I don’t know. Hats have also went missing. The rabbi’s announcement from his seat at the end of Davening was not inspired. He just said, 'Adon Olam and Hatikva.' The final prayer and Israel's anthem were about to come and he just said their names. No page. Half the people probably didn't even realize it was an announcement. I think he just gave up. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Tzav3/18/2022
The rabbi was gone and the shul was packed. Finally. People came out to shul. I think they thought there wouldn't be a sermon.
He mailed in his sermon and Hymie read it. What's amazing is that the breaks were perfect. He knew exactly when Bernie and Fran would interrupt. It's a talent. More than he knows the Torah, he knows how annoying his congregation is. We had some new Simchas in the congregation. However, they didn't announce it, because nobody gave enough money to sponsor Kiddish. There was a Bris. That was a huge party. A lot of happiness. They even had a Shalom Zachor to welcome the new son on Friday night. A Shalom Zachor is where the dad leaves the wife alone with the newborn boy and gets drunk on Friday night, with his buddies, in order to welcome the newborn. There was also a newborn girl, to the Flomowitz family. Nobody knew about it. They could've done a Simchat Bat to welcome the girl. A Simchat Bat is where you celebrate with nothing. It's a party I have never seen people at. They could've at least done a Kiddish. It seems like the Flomowitzs were not happy. As if it was a letdown. Mr. Flomowitz sat at home and drank alone, in embarrassment. People have to be more prideful of the girls. People are afraid to wear coats to shul. It seems like Fran and Saul think that once the coat is in the coatroom it's anybody's to take. They see a green coat and it's now theirs, as their coat was foresty and almost green. The shul trip is being organized as we write, for a third time. The last two shul trips didn't work. So, the rabbi is reorganizing it and calling it a different trip. He said he needs to do research, so he has to travel. He really used it as a vacation to get away from the members. What happened on Purim? The little kids were heckling the rabbi’s announcements. I don’t think the kids were drinking. They were five and six years old. Snobby little ones. These kids don’t say 'hi' anymore. Just walk right past you. Very moody. They look like little drunks walking around the shul. Some of theses kids are annoying. I’ve got favorite nephews and nieces. Had the dad come to the front to pick up his kid. The dad grab is a big shul move. You pick up the kid and carry him out. It has to be a scene. Love the scene. We get to see the discipline that dad forgot to do at home. It's the number dad move in shul, generally used to get out of a sermon. The grab and carry out. It's a swoop. Almost as important as clopping the table for Al HaNisim and YaAleh vYavo. The swoop was miraculous as the kid was dressed as Superman. The cape was flying, as per the great speed of the dad swoop. I believe most of the congregants got extremely heavy over the day of Purim. Old double-breasted suits came out for Shabbat. It's that Mishloach Manot post Purim fat from the candies. People need to get away after Purim. I think the shul trip will sell. Which is why I am starting a Jenny Craig. The congregants are going to buy it. They always diet before vacation. I would've given Jenny Craig food in the Mishloach Manot, had I not wanted to make money on the business. Them gaining weight on Purim is my number one sale. I love the holidays. We always put on weight. Youth convention this weekend. We're excited there will be people at shul. The kids have to come. They have a meal after Minyin. They also have some of the main kids doing stuff throughout the day. A few of them are going to be Laying (reading from the Torah). So, most of our members are going to not come. Nobody wants to hear these young kids read. It's not a 'Read for Tomorrow' programming, where we need to sit for an extra forty-five minutes, to give the kids a chance. They're going to end up shul members who complain Davening takes too long, in twenty years. My kids went through it. They don't Layn anymore. They learned their lesson. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Bunch… You shall keep the Shabbat. I am saying this, because many of you don't… Nothing to do with the Parsha. Just keep the Shabbat for once... I saw your car, Tzvi... It was moving... You were driving it... I saw you. You waved at me and said 'Good Shabbis'... This week's Parsha begins with the words 'Command Aharon.' The Olah, the elevation offering, was lit all night… If you did anything all night that is not watching TV, drinking and sleeping through morning Minyin, maybe you wouldn't need commandments... (Vayikra 6:2) ‘Command Aharon and his sons.’ It was a command ‘Tzav.’ A Tzav to keep Shabbat, Tzvi… If you weren’t commanded, would you have come to Megilah reading?... Nobody has joined the shul trip, because it’s not a commandment… You have to also command the kids. They do nothing, unless if they are threatened. You’ve got to tell them it’s a sin… The parents do nothing nowadays... They don't even threaten nowadays. Not even a 'if you say that one more time, you don't want to know...' That's why the kids turn out like this... It's that not wanting to know that 'you don't want to know'... Look at them... We have the convention here this weekend. It’s an honor to host the kids and to try to make them into good Jews who understand the commandments… Their parents do nothing… That's why they send them to conventions. To get rid of them... They send them to camp for the same reason. You see. Lin's parents hate feeding her on Shabbat. Rashi teaches, The word Tzav- Command, is used to hasten, or speed something up... Faster than how you walk to shul. I've never seen anybody walk so slow... It must be done quickly, because money is involved in the Olah offering, Unlike the day school which has not had one parent who paid tuition this year… We should command the kids to pay too... The parents don't pay tuition. They all go on vacation... ‘Aaron and his kids’… When money is involved people become weary. Such as when we do the Yizkur appeal, many of you pledge a lot of money, and then the synagogue never sees it. A lot of weariness. Years of weariness. It's amazing how the Berksteins can't even answer their phone when the office calls. Too much energy to click the answer button... That's why they have that new twenty-four hour fundraiser, Match the Grant, at the day school... They know you'll give nothing if you think about it. They get in and get out, and you don't even know its them calling. One call, they got your credit card number, and now they're matching your money up against Milton Dufray's inheritance of the steal manufacturing plant of the Midwest... Animals are not always cheap, and that makes for a financial loss. I'm trying to find a good deal on dog food, if anybody knows, as my daughter cannot part with her only friend, and I cannot afford this puppy she got. Raisel, please take Mapu out for our sermons. I do not understand why we have to tell the ushers to keep the dogs out... I can care less if she's my daughter, have her buy some bones... Again. We must command children... If I thought about it, we wouldn't have got the dog. That's why she spent the whole day crying... The shul office manager should cry when calling you. Maybe you'd pay your pledge... The loss of money stops people when they think of it. Hence, we never see the donations that have not been donated… I am sure you wanted to pay your dues, Mr. Feldstein. But then you thought about it and you noticed money was involved, you ran... Yes. You ran fast. That's not the message... I have to work on accounting for the Feldstein's needs, when they interpret my sermons... You always create a commentary that suits... What about when you learned that people should purchase goldfish, because you had a goldfish farm and you wanted to make money. I was talking about the fifth day of creation. Not goldfish. All about money... You might lose money if you don't work on Shabbat, or if you don't go to the country club, or don't go shopping on Shabbat. Or don't park across the street and walk to shul. But these are the Mitzvot. Commandments... You can't do a shorter Shabbat. That's not what 'Tzav' means... You are commanded. Think about them and when your rabbi is invited over to your home, maybe you do want to put up some steak. Make it a nice Shabbat dinner. Put your money where your tradition is. And don't be a cheap... Pinny won’t even pay to come out to the singles meals. Chanan. You should’ve done the singles trip to Spain… I don’t know why they chose a trip to Spain to meet Jews from New York… You didn’t even give Matanot LaEvyonim… The gifts to the poor, for meals on Purim is a Mitzvah, Rachel. Don’t get me started on the pathetic Mishloach Manot. I would’ve burned that stuff on the Altar... When was the last time you sponsored a Kiddish… We made the grandkid announcements so much… No more announcements until you sponsor… I understand that the Kichel doesn’t cost five dollars a Kichel, but it’s expensive… It’s a donation, Rachel. You sponsor Kiddish, so we can fund the Shul trip... That's how sponosrship works. H’ has to tell us it’s important sometimes… Because you people don’t get it. I have start every sentence at the morning Minyin with ‘It’s important…’ You people think nothing is important… You rush to get to shul… You don’t run in the shul. You don’t saunter and then start running once you hear the Chazin, to get out of shul… It’s a command. (Vayikra 6:2) Yes. This one is important. It was lit all night, ‘and the fire of the Altar should be kept aflame on it.’ The flame keeps going… Last Lag BOmer you couldn’t get the fire lit for more than eight minutes. We couldn't even get through one decent folk song... Because there was no bonfire... The eternal light, above the Aron, ark, here is not… You need to pay electric bills. The electric bills were paid in the Temple… You kindle wood on it in the morning (Vayikra 6:5). The elevation offering also caused the peace offering fats to ‘go up in smoke.’ (Vayikra (6:6) ‘A permanent fire shall remain lit there, it shall not be extinguished.’ Always elevating... We elevate. When dues are paid, we elevate... We can't cook a decent choolante if we don't have the gas for the stove. Basically, you pay the bills... And the Kohen dresses correctly for the job… Our Kohens come up there like schlumps... Your Tallis didn't even cover your arms, Dr. Cohen... A Kohen doesn't wear a scarf Tallis... Their for the youth, and the nonFrum... That's Kyle, from Wichita. He's not religious. He thinks it's cold in the shul... No. Meal offerings are different… They were all done in the Tabernacle and Temple… Aaron’s kids brought it. Yes. His family. That is the same... Families that eat together, stay together... (Vayikra 6:7-11) The meal offering used flour. Three fingers full. That was the measurement… One finger isn’t enough for a meal… It was a measurement of Aaron’s children’s fingers… Levi fingers aren’t the same… No. You can’t measure with a Yisrael’s fingers. They're different fingers. This is why things are messed up here. You have roles and you have different natural abilities. Yisrael’s can’t measure flour right… Then let’s see you bake, Simcha… It’s a ‘satisfying aroma.’ Frankincense is a good aroma… If Rivka used frankincense in her baking, it would come out decent. Frankincense and correct finger measures... The Kohens eat the leftovers. Jewish tradition of eating leftovers began with Moshe and Aharon… They didn't have freezers back then. It was at most a day. The sun got to it... They eat it in the Courtyard of the Tent of Meeting… It has to be a holy place. They take it out of there. Yisraels, with bad measurements can't eat it. That’s why I eat my food in the office. It’s far away from the congregants… I would rather sit at a table alone than at a table with people who can't measure. Holy people have to eat the offering. They become holy if they eat it… Yisraels can’t be holy. Congregants are not holy… Don't eat my shnitzel. I just hope you got these kids a decent dessert. They like the creamy stuff… In this shul, not all Yisraels should be baking… You can't even offer these kids a pudding, and you want to be able to join the meal in the courtyard... Meal offerings are not leavened… Pesach is coming up soon and you’re asking about leavening... Shabbis is a commandment. You have to keep it too, Tzvi... And eat Challah... I know it's leavened. It's Shabbis... Does everything have to be a commandment? Here are some shul commandments: No offerings brought in the shul… Have to wait for the Temple. Kiddish has to be decent. Bernie. Stop talking. Sadie is correct. Whatever she says, you have to do. This kid, in front of me right now. The same one that heckled me on Purim. She cannot be wandering around the shul during my Sermon… As cute as it is… People have to sign up for the shul trip... Donations have to be made when you flip a tab. It’s a vow… You can’t make vows and not keep them, even if nobody listens to Fran… The back left cannot drink more than three shots on a Shabbat morning… Even if it’s a club… Keep the Shabbat and make it holy... Singles have to chip in for dinner every once in a while... The board has to pay the electric bills, so we can have an eternal flame... And no more sauntering. It’s a command... You can't eat certain fats... Human fat cannot be eaten, even if you put it on over Purim, due to Mishloach Manot... You took their coat... I understand it was the same company... Just because it's in the coat room, doesn't make it Hefker. That's probably a sin offering... No stealing coats. New command. No taking coats from the coatroom, unless it is yours. And do it all fast. Come to Minyin fast. Return the coats you stole. Now! I am enjoying my vacation right now, keeping holy, down here in Florida... I know the shul trip is to Europe and Israel. I'm doing research for it... There are flights from Florida to Israel. I know that now. You see. The youth listened more than the back left. Fourteen year old listen better than you Frank. Command. Listen to my sermons. I hope the youth learned something from this sermon... Don't be like Bernie... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Hymie is not a fast reader. That sermon took an hour and a half. Double the time the rabbi usually takes to get out his message, that we have to show up to shul on time. We need numbers on coats or lockers. People just take the stuff. Stealing is a sin, but when it comes to coats, they think that it's mixed in with all the others, so you can steal it. There must be a Halachik leniency when it comes to merged items. I wouldn't trust my mink in the coatroom. They would see that thing and feel like it's theirs too, as they have winter coats, and that is close enough. We are having real problems convincing people to give the money they pledged. All the shul hears is, ‘We didn’t flip the tab.’ Everybody denies flipping the tabs on the appeal cards. There must be an underhanded tag flipper running around the shul on the holidays. Those Matching the Grant campaigns have me feeling worthless. Our whole community has to chip in to match Milton's donation. He's all high on himself now, thinking that he is more important than the whole community. The shul office would agrees. And he even gives more than he flips. The rabbi's explanation of sponsorship made all the sense in the world. It also helped clarify why the youth were being served rice, when they spent $240 on their Shabbat convention. It even helped explain why they ended up staying in homes and crashing on the shul floor, instead of staying in a hotel. It's important they know that their money is going towards seniors programming, and gin rummy in the afternoon, and not to their convention. The rabbi is all about messages. Commanding to hasten stuff is such a beautiful message. I hope the Chazin caught onto that message. He hastens nothing with his repetition of the Amidah prayer. The elevation fire offering would've lost its fire by the end of the repetition. Commands make life move a lot faster. I'm always thinking about sales. If somebody commanded me to buy the shoes, I would be in and out of Walmart. Now, I spend two hours figuring out which pair to get, because nobody tells me what to do. 'Families that eat together, stay together.' What a brilliant quote from our rabbi. I heard that the Orthodox Union adopted it as their slogan a few months back, thanks to our rabbi's brilliance. The reform and conservative say 'that sit together.' Orthodox now says 'that eat together.' Eat together and fight together. Shmulik was standing the whole time Shira read the rabbi’s sermon, with his arms crossed. Shira took over the reading of the sermon fifty eight minutes in. All the kids listened out of fear of Shmulik. They all ended up also keeping the laws of Shabbat, as Shmulik and the security guard were extremely threatening looking. And they went to programs real fast, out of fear that they would see Shmulik with nobody around. Shmulik was hired by the NURY youth movement, as a senior scary guy. Due to the rabbi's message, all the men in the back left ran to Kiddish club. I don't think they caught the message of doing things fast. They definitely took their time coming back to shul. Definitely sauntering. The shul trip command was brilliant. People ended up signing up. From then on, the rabbi started commanding stuff he wanted done. He commanded the board to give him a raise. A new command of the rabbi's was that all families had to send their kids to summer camp, as the kids were all turning into bad Jews. At summer camp, they wouldn't be around their parents or Bernie, and all would be well. The kids all started keeping the commands, as Aharon’s did. They listened to Sadie. They even gave the rabbi a raise. They paid more for youth programs. They even found camps to go to, that week. As I heard from the parents, the camps the kids found were very expensive. And that didn't bother the kids. As my argument about focusing on adults for programs and not kids was taken to heart, we had a lot of injuries. The bouncy house for the seniors wasn’t a good idea. In the end All in all, it was an amazing week. The youth group convention was nice. There were a lot of pictures of friendship taken, and a lot of headleaning for the pictures. Leaning and neck out sticking. You're able to tell good youth group kids by how much their head sticks into the picture, closer to their friends. I noticed that their bodies were not part of the group, but their necks and heads were. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Vayikra3/11/2022
The new assistant rabbi in shul tryout was good. We hired him as a youth director. The rabbi decided that this way he'll be able to focus on the issues of keeping the kids out of the sermon. Kids running around during the Drashas has been very annoying. The rabbi feels that assisting in making sure kids are out for the sermon is a great way to assist him.
We were talking Michael taking off weight in the women's section on Shabbat. That's what we did for the Musaf service, and Kiddish. Everybody always tells Michael he took off weight. How fat do they think he is? He can't always be taking off weight and still be fat. It doesn't make sense. Even so, they always say he's taking off weight. Michael has a fat reputation. Rachel also has a fat reputation, but they don't always say 't looks like you took off weight' to her. At some point, she would take offense and ask how fat they thought she was. But she does have a fat reputation. That's how people remember her. So she also looks like she took off weight. You can tell Michael though. He's a guy. It's fine to let him know he's got the fat reputation. It started back at his Bar Mitzvah. He was chubby, and those pictures got out. I think it's because he got a little beard. He can't grow a good beard, but he forgot to shave. So, it looks like a beard, and that is fat camouflage. I hope he meets a girl he fancies before he shaves. The funeral of Mrs. Fleegelman was well attended. A lot of people were happy to see her go. Again, we need to have a class on funeral and Shiva etiquette. This community shows their happiness too much. There are times to not be laughing. At the procession they were smiling and laughing. They thought it was a community event. Bill thought it was a BBQ and baseball game at the park. They see community and they talk. They think the rabbi is talking, so they talk. Festivals are coming up. That means preparation. A lot of shul emails about giving charity. Why the poor people can't afford the holidays is simple. The price of Matzah is crazy. Shmurah Matzah is not affordable. And then the Hamentashen at the local bakery are crazy high prices. You've got to pay for the product and a donation to be Jewish. It's Matzah plus the community being supported by your keeping the Mitzvah. You're buying Kosher for Passover food and lights for the shul. It makes it hard to afford simple Mitzvot. I started trying to keep less Mitzvot, for financial reasons. The school bought the bakery. Now the school is running the thing and it costs a lot. Everytime I go to the bakery I feel like I am getting hounded for a fundraiser. Purim is coming up. Kids are still dressed not proper for shul on Shabbat. The kids are wearing these fighter things. They’ve got face paint. They’re celebrating Mardi Gras. And then you got some dressed as crusaders. Is history not taught in elementary school anymore? Since it’s a holiday this Wednesday, we have some non-Jewish people joining us for services. Groups from the college come around holiday time, and hear about how messed up our community is. The rabbi loves when these groups come. He loves it when he sees people that aren't Jewish. They listen to the sermon. We have a planned Havdalah Ceremony. We can't just do Havdalah. Now it’s an event. What happened to people just doing Havdalah? Can’t be traditions anymore. Nothing can be done because we do it, and it's the right thing to do. Now everything has to be an event. You've got to call it an event. Jews don't keep traditions anymore. They keep events. The rabbi is now trying to host a daily, Shacharit service event. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Shabbat Shalom My Dear Livestock You amazing congregation of Jewish people and a few of you awesome goyim who are joining us for services today. You make me more proud than my congregation. Bernie, please stand... That's why. (Vayikra 3:1-17) We learn in this week's parsha about the Olah offering, also known as the burnt sacrifice, which was brought twice a day... You could do a little learning yourselves every once in a while and also look at Wikipedia. This way I wouldn't have to explain everything to you… Learn a little about your tradition and browse the internet. There are some excellent sites about the Jews of Hollywood.... In the seventh verse we see how the priests had to bring the sacrifice. They would put a fire on the altar and then lay out branches on the fire. This wasn't a BBQ. Bill wasn't the guy standing there, flipping burgers, thinking he's doing his religious duty... You come to shul Bill. Manning the grill isn't a job for a sexton.... You're not a Kohen, and they didn't make burgers back then. They ate the steak whole... I don't know if they had buns. They probably used Challah… Flipping burgers doesn’t count for atonement. How the Kohen did this on the altar? No idea. Didn't see it when preparing the Dvar Torah. Nothing on WIkipedia... Like how chefs are able to touch fire. They got used to standing on the altar... Rashi explains that the fire came down from heaven. Nothing to do with my message, but very neat... It wasn't an event. It was a ceremony. A daily ceremony. A tradition. They didn't need to make flyers for it. Rashi goes on to comment on the meaning of 'The sons of Aaron' to explain that he had to perform this service as the priest, in his priestly garments and not the garments of ordinary Kohanim. It couldn’t be done by ordinary Kohanim. Why we call up these guys to the Torah is a question I ask… Just your clothes are offensive. Your garments are off. You need better garments to join in ritual at the shul. That is the new rule. And kids can't go to junior congregation, with the assistant rabbi, dressed for Mardi Gras... The Chazin looks all disheveled... You're leading Musaf. Iron it... Purim is coming up. Maybe your costume should be to dress like a Chazin. Dress like somebody who's leading services... The priestly garments were priestly... That means made for priests. They had a priestly thing. They were priestly. That's what made them priestly... You don’t trust congregants to do important stuff. You don’t have Fred, the president, making decisions… You can’t dress up as a Kohen for Purim and do the service… The clothes have to be appropriate… That is true. People who wear suits get paid more and don’t have to work. Which is why I ask why nobody here is wearing a suit. You don't work… I see how you helped with the renovations... Maybe if you wore a suit, you would get an Aliyah to the Torah. We don't need people in Hawaiin Luau outfits opening the ark... Aharon's outfit looked nothing like a Luau. Yes. The service had some good roast, There were fires... No ukuleles. How about you dress up like a decent Jew for Purim. There’s a reason I am asking for another raise... The Goyim are dressed more like Kohens. Bernie, see how Tyler is dressed. That’s how a Jew dresses… They didn’t wear shorts in the Temple… Skirts. That’s why they didn’t go up on the altar. You respect it. It is the clothes that make the service acceptable. The dress is important. You play football in your soccer clothes, you dance with your dancing shoes, you come to shule in a suit... That's the shul uniform. A suit or a skirt. Not a Hawaiian floral arrangement on your chest... You don't wear shorts on Shabbat in this congregation. Hana, how do you expect H' to hear your prayers with sandals?... What were you thinking Ben, when you got that haircut? Stand up. I want everybody to see what happens when we don't follow dress codes. Turn around. Show them... That is not acceptable for anything. Such a high cut in the back. Embarrassing... It embarrasses us to have to see you. It's the clothes and the person. It’s everything... Yes. The clothes make the person. Look at the board. Without clothes, they would be more pathetic... The altar couldn’t be made of metal… Because you make weapons out of that stuff... So certain costumes shouldn’t be worn to shul... Even in Purim. It’s like you’re sinning in order to repent. Can’t do that… That’s why we don’t cut the altar stone with material used for weapons… That's why I don't have the congregants over for dinner. You would make me want to sin... That's why it always looks like Michael is losing weight... With all that we have. With all the blessing H' gave us. That means, not the back left of the shul. What did you bring? (Vayikra 1:1-2) ‘From animals. From cattle, and from sheep you shall bring your offering.’ You don't give H' something he doesn't want. You don’t give something I don’t want. You don’t bring me a vegetable platter… I don’t like celery. Nobody wants celery in there… It’s not a good offering and it gets stuck in your teeth. You don't have a Purim Carnival with a plastic figures as prizes... They need to be elastic. You want to be able to stretch your G.I. Joe... You don't have an apple bob. It's disgusting... No. Bob. To bob for apples is disgusting. All the germs... You guys made such a big deal about COVID, and now the kids are bobbing for apples. Is there any happy medium... (Vayikra 1:3-17) We brought the elevation offerings… When you messed up you brought an elevation offering. This shul would’ve had a set guy at the Tabernacle, on the elevation offerings. Just standing there, taking notes for how bad this membership messes up… Rachel dropped off her kids late to school to school again. Then, she forgot to pick them up. The back left section spoke Lashon Hara again. We ate too much at the BBQ. Hired the Chazin. Bad decision. The men’s section is dressed like a schlump. Michael is still living with his parents, and he hasn't lost any weight. Chanan isn’t married. Sarah hasn’t done any Mitzvahs. Shprintza can’t even use a crockpot… All day. He would be standing there, elevating for all your sins... OK. Not sins. Mistakes. Also, when you feel like you could’ve done a Mitzvah… You need somebody telling you to feel guilty. Bernie thinks it’s Purim all year. Dressed like that. When was the last time you did Mitzvahs?... Another reason for elevation offerings. Bernie's being here. You guys mess up all the time. When do you not mess up? We would need a Gabai at the altar all year.... You even mess up the choolante. Rules. You don't follow them. You bring an elevation offering... No. It goes up. You can't eat it... You've already messed up. Now you want to mess up your Olah, elevation, too?... We can't bring offerings nowadays. We can just feel guilty. This congregation has to feel guiltier. Rules. There are recipes. You bring the cow a certain way. The sheep a certain way. The turtledove… It’s a type of dove. It’s not a flying turtle. You take apart the innards of the cow and the sheep… The Torah tells us that…. Of course you put it on the altar. You don’t cook it in an oven… Then where does it go. You roast. The point is that you cook things correctly. You do it according to the recipe and it coes out good. (Vayikra 1:14-17) Birds were allowed. Yes. But only for the poor people… The cheap ones too. This shul would've brought birds... I saw the anual campaign. Birds are different. There is no blood sprinkling… They didn’t sprinkle it like a modern art abstract. It was clean. Rules. You don't want to ruin decent clothing if you don't have to. No heart. These were rituals. Not events… People only show up for events in our shul. That's the new thing. You show up for what is important. You don't need a flyer to tell you to show up... (Vayikra 1:4) ‘He shall lean his hand on the head of the elevation offering, and it shall be acceptable for him to atone.’ It has to be acceptable. The Kohen has to look decent. The animal has to be right. You have to be part of this offering, not like last week's Bat Mitzvah, where nobody wanted to be there... Agreed. It was not a smorgasbord. It got everybody in a bad mood, when we didn't see the pigs in a blanket... ‘Wanted’ is the word. ונרצה. Nobody wanted potato puffs. Everybody wanted pigs in a blanket... ‘Allowed.’ H’ doesn’t want just the animal. First we have to commit. It has to be wanted, like Rachel. Michael was an accident. We have to know we sinned. Acknowledge it. That's why we lean our hands on the elevation offering. (Rambam- Maaseh Karbanot 3:13-15) ‘While doing so, he confesses the sin or shortcoming that prompted him to bring the offering.’ You have shortcomings… Yes. I’m quoting Artscroll. Finally, somebody follows along. Reads for themselves… You can’t deny the sin and shortcomings and not bring the offering… That’s why you’re sinners. You can’t even see… From now on, I am going to offer a service. You come to me and I tell you how you’re a sinner. It’s a pre-Teshuva service… Yom Kippur is not enough for this flock... Put your hands on it, then you can have it work for atonement for you… You lean on it and you’ll fall asleep, Sid. I’ve seen you falling asleep leaning on the pole over in the back… They didn't fall asleep on the sheep. It can’t atone for you if you don’t feel it. If you don’t acknowledge what you did wrong. You don’t just send it and say, ‘Here you go Kohen. Make it good.’… I know. That’s how you daven. You pray with no soul… I heard your Adon Olam. It’s with no heart. You can't just show up and say 'So. I messed up like the president of the board. Don't we all... No. I don't feel bad, but there is a ritual. It's an event.' There’s a reason everybody puts their arms in and says ‘Go team’… Other teams do it… Yes. They do. They win. They say ‘Go team.’ They feel like a team. Then they win. They’re committed… They put their hands together (Menachot 93a) He leans both hands. Sports teams only do one… There isn’t room for the two hands. The circle doesn't allow for more than one. If it did, they would do two hands... If it's a team of more than three people, it doesn't work. You've got to sideways in, the outside hand doesn't fit. Once you’re committed, Gd gets involved. The fire may come down from heaven and aide you... Yes. It aides you. But you have to first lean. You have to do the first move there... You offer no aide to the shul. That's why we ask for donations. You have to first aide the shul, then it aides you. Like the sheep. You lean on it first... Do something already. If you gave money, I wouldn't have to do an appeal every weak. Pinny. The cards. Please go around with the flip downers... The fire came down. Unlike Paroh. Unlike Haman. Unlike Amalek. Unlike Bernie, who do not put in their effort for atonement. You can atone. I think... Not sure... You dress like Amalek Bernie. Let’s get some heart into what we do. The heart aides. It aides in you not being hyou… A little sing along. It’s fine. You can cry, Bernie. You dress right. You act right. You cry at the funeral. Feel the loss. It's not conversation time. It's not Kiddish with the buddies... The coffin was right there, Shlomo. Just like Amalek. No heart. I hate Amalek. Hate them. Oh!!!! I hate Amalek!!!! I hate them so much... Haman. Booooh. We all have Amalek in our lives… Just like El Guapo. They are in our lives. For some it’s school work… You can learn a lot from The Three Amigos. Elevation happens when we humble ourselves. We put in the effort to prepare. We bring an animal. We look decent. It’s the person, the object and the dress. You don’t wear a Hawaiian shirt to a funeral… She was Jewish. She was living in New York. New Yorkers don't wear Hawaiian shirts... That's after they moved down to Florida. When they're old. And they do Teshuva down there. They lean a lot. On everything. On Purim. You dress up in proper ways of other cultures… After Purim. You atone with an elevation offering... Because you even messed up Purim. You even messed up dressing not like yourself. You can't even be a decent not you... The problem is you’re not humble. Moshe starts Vayikra with a small Alef, as he is being humble. Alef, meaning to teach, is how we should learn Torah… Humility. See the Artscroll. Couldn’t even read the first page of the Parsha... Humble means not coming up with crazy dress ideas that are not Shabbisdik... That means meant for Shabbat. Such a not Frum congregation. After Shabbis, we're doing ancestry checks... And certificates of conversion. For those who want to atone, we're starting an Artscroll Parsha Daf Yomi... This week, we start with The Parsha of the week... We'll also start an Artscroll Gemara Daf Yomi. We'll start with Mesechta Megilah... So you'll be prepared for next Purim. You think ahead. That's being humble... I'll put out a flyer for people to learn, be humble and dress right, and to sacrifice according to rules. This way, it will be an event, and people will do it... Rivka’s Notes on Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Daf Yomi is learning a page of the Talmud everyday. It takes seven years to finish all the Gemara like that. Artscroll splits up those pages into around 10 pages. So, it would take seventy years to finish the Artscroll Daf Yomi, focusing on the English. The rabbi knows how to keep a job. Great technique, telling the congregants how good they are, before going off on them being unhelpful, and bad Jews, dressed all disgusting. The non-Jewish people who joined definitely feel better now that they know how bad Jews can be. How the rabbi mixed Bernie in with Amalek was very powerful. It was his shirt. He just went to an AC/DC concert last week. He was very excited and felt the high watts of AC/DC. It made for an interesting Shacharit that Bernie led, when he high-pitched and kind of rock-screeched the repetition of the Amidah. Bernie said something about Purim. The rabbi didn't care. First the AC/DC shirt, then covered it with a Hawaiian shirt. Now we know why there is so much guilt in our community. We can't bring the guilt offerings anymore. So, we are left with guilt. Truth is, my community doesn't have any guilt. They've been able to overlook the Jewish guilt, and sin with comfort. Haven’t seen Bill very much. Last time we saw Bill was at the summer cookout. He identifies with Judaism through grills. I think he feels that manning the grill is a religious service. The rabbi was trying to tell him that a baseball game and a BBQ is not a religious service. A Chazin doesn’t need to man a grill for us to do it right, as the rabbi explained. Truth is, if we knew how to Daven, pray correctly as a Jew, we wouldn't need the Chazin. Very confusing, as the rabbi says the Chazin doesn't know how to lead either. A whole discussion took place after Davening (prayers) at Kiddish, where the rabbi had to explain how it’s forbidden to sacrifice animals in the parking lot of a baseball stadium, to ask Gd for your team to win. The rabbi hates the Chazin’s gown. Anytime he has a chance to mock it, he does. The rabbi had a hard time explaining 'priestly.' I know he had a hard time, because he repeated 'priestly' seven times. Truth is that nothing in our shul is priestly. Clothes are off. Rules are a question. Most of the members definitely don't keep Mitzvot. We need to come up with rules, just to have rules that we can enforce. We can't ask people to keep Mitzvot. That would be offensive. But to follow rules, we can do that. A certain recipe for the kugel, I think we might be able pull. Just not with Jessica. She's going to do her own thing. Now everything in shul has to be advertised. That's what events need. Advertising. Now we have flyers for Shabbat. Minyin has a flyer. Pesach has a flyer. The calendar isn't enough. It needs a flyer. Kiddish has its own flyer, so that people know when to show up to miss Shacharit. Funding has been off because we never sent out calendars this year. You need to send out calendars. Flip downers are great. The problem is the shul has to collect that money. It's amazing how quickly the people who donate forget. Is it even a donation if they don't donate the money? Is flipping a tab considered a donation? Point: If you don't send out calendars, you don't have donations. Bernie got emotional with the concept of being allowed to cry. The rabbi said, 'You can cry,' when talking about shul uniforms and a shul crest on the blazers. It reminded Bernie of his Scottish friends. He always wanted to be from Northern Britain. Some more stuff that Happened this Week: Michael didn’t take off weight. He grew his beard longer. Fat camouflage. Timed Shivas has been instituted and put out to the shul membership. No more than three hours visits. This way you can get Hymie and Fran out. We also want people to not become hungry while at the Shiva. The community was donating the food, and eating it. The Kleinwitzes sent a chicken pot pie and ate it while at the Shiva, as they got hungry. The rabbi's class on funerals without Kiddishes, was well accepted by the mourners, who didn't have food to eat. The question of why a hard boiled egg can't be a reason to socialize came up at the class. It was decided that you can only enjoy a Kiddish if the hard boiled egg is in egg salad form. Thus, making it a Kiddish. And thus, egg salad was banned at Shivas. Shul potluck dinner. Couldn't eat anything. Nobody trusts anybody else's Kosher standards. That was an issue again. The Mitzvah board finally has Mitzvahs on it. Shmuel got up for Yedidiya to sit down. Shmuel wanted to leave shul. He didn't come back in for Minyin, but he got Mitzvah points. The assistant rabbi came full-time a few months later and the rabbi had him on the youth. He also had him running to pick up his lunch at the grocery last week. He had him running around a lot for him. He even had him do a car-wash and set up an appointment with his accountant. I believe the rabbi has a messed up idea of what an assistant rabbi does. The rabbi didn't let the assistant rabbi give sermons, but he did allow him to bring him copies of his sermons. The rabbi really hates Amalek. Nobody showed for the reading of erasing Amalek. Idea of snow keeps people from a Torah command to hear wiping out Amalek. They said there would be a storm. There wasn’t. So, people didn’t come. Many of the congregants have expressed that we should kill Amalek with love, because that's how you fight in the modern day. You fight with love. Wiping out has thus been translated to cleaning Amalek, by Devorah. Making sure Amalek showers. The rabbi ended up giving a class on how to dress for Purim. It turned into a class on proper dress for shul. Purim prep turned into a fight. We should've just had a fight, and called that the carnival. The carnival itself was excellent, though there were a lot of line fights. You don't mess with a fifth grader when they are tossing beanbags at a Tic-Tac-Toe board. The Puirm carnival had the apple bob. They didn't listen to the rabbi. Everybody got sick. Nobody caught COVID. There was just a lot of puking from the disgustingness of the apple bob. Bill insisted on a Purim BBQ. It was decided against, due to it causing another fight at the carnival prep meeting. It’s also hard to get smell out of costumes. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.) Me on a date. Never sacrifice enjoyment when there’s meat on a bone... She took the picture. I asked her to. It was an excellent rib. I should have never let her go. She was definitely good at capturing the moment on camera.
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