KIBBITZER
Your Weekly Jewish Humor Magazine for a Gazunta Laugh about Life
DONATE to the Kibbitzer Magazine...
CLICK HERE to partner with JHF
spreading Jewish laughter and joy
  • Articles
  • Shabbat Printout Year III
    • Shabbat Printout Year II
    • Shabbat Printout Year I
  • Health and Healing
    • Torah Humor
  • About Us
    • Partner and Dedicate
    • Subscribe
    • Get In Touch
    • Contributors
    • FAQ
    • Terms of Use
The Blog Search and Random Post Generator will appear here on the published site.
We found
results for you
We've got nothin'!
The Blog Category Slider will appear here on the published site.
Popular Tags
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.

Sermons of Rebuke Year II: Tazriah

4/1/2022

0 Comments

 

by Rivka Schwartz

Picture
Announcements
The Freidberg Shiva is over. You missed it. They know you don't care.
 
No holding somebody's arm at Kidddish. We've had too many complaints about Hymie not letting people go in the middle of his jokes. People must be allowed the freedom to escape conversation. There's no need for violence, to get people to listen. Hymie has also caused a 10% drop in membership.
 
We're raising money for Ukraine, cause we found that nobody pays their dues. So, we're supporting another cause. The Ukraine fund won't take pledges. After consulting with our office, they understand that pledges won't work. They're only taking cash. They're also afraid that you will cancel the credit card payment and ask for a refund on your kindness.
 
Selling Chametz means it's not yours, but it is. So sell with the rabbi, who will get rid of it for you, while you keep it in your house.
 
We're hosting a youth convention next month. In preperation, Wednesday, there will be a class in how to lean into a picture properly.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
 
Shabbat Shalom and Rosh Chodesh Tov… Rosh Chodesh. Nobody cares. OK… They should’ve smacked the table louder, so people knew to say ‘Ya’aleh vYavo.' Fear is the only way to get them to say it… They don't remember if they're not scared...
 
Holding people hostage is Asur. It is forbidden to hold them hostage in conversation, Hymie… You trap people in conversation. I’ve seen you do the arm hold… It’s friendly? It’s a felony. You once attacked me with a joke about an imam and a priest… So what if they don’t want to hear the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha. The sermons don’t hold them hostage. Their sins do… I’ve seen it Hymie. Stop. You do the arm hold and say, ‘You’ve got to hear this.’ We’ve seen it.
 
Pesach is coming and we must be pure. Free of sin… Chametz is not pure. Your kitchen is filthy. We’re talking about personal cleanliness. Higiene… The Beit Hamikdash was not dirty... Purity. Go to the Mikvah. And clean yourself before going in the Mikvah…
 
You can’t just do what you want. Even if you’re doing the right thing, you can still be impure. Holy and impure… No. Bernie. You’re just impure...
 
(Vayikra 12:4) After her days of impurity, the mother that gave birth has to sit for extra days. ‘She shall sit in the blood of her purity. She shall not touch anything holy, and to the Sanctuary she shall not come…’ In those days of purity, she cannot come… She didn’t sit in blood. It wasn’t a collected puddle from children who injured themselves at the playground… Watch the kids.
Giving birth is not a sin... That's exactly what I'm saying Benjamin. She did a Mitzvah and she still has to separate herself. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves for good. Some of our members separating would be appreciated. It would be good if Hymie separated himself from prospective members at Kiddish… This way they would want to join… Chametz is good, but we separate from it on Pesach. There are times to separate, even when we are pure...
That is why I am going away for Pesach.
Even in her purity she cannot touch the holy stuff. Even in a good pure and positive state, it is better to not be around Kodesh sometimes… Holy has its right times as well… In our congregation, it’s not the right time for holy… When will it be? I don't believe there will be. Can't think of a holy time... That Bat Mitzvah was messed up. Sucked the holiness right out of the sanctuary... That wedding? I believe there was an annulment before it happened... We don't do annulments, but it was that messed up. Sucked the wedding right out of the hall that day. Couldn't even call it a Simcha...
 
When there is life, we should stay away from Kodesh sometimes. To support the living. To support somebody else who needs our aide… Watch your kids already. It is getting to a point of… You visit the sick. You go to a Shiva house. Show you care... The Friedbergs would've appreciated that. I know you didn't. That's the problem. you also didn't come to shul... Yes. We're in a sanctuary right now... You didn't go to the Shiva house or shul...

There is more to life than being holy… You’re not holy anyways. At times, there is more than Kodesh, holiness. And that is your requirement. Being with this membership brings down my level of holiness, but I do it… To stop you from sinning more, I have to be unholy. That's why I party sometimes. To connect with you all, I have to drink...
The children need their mother. Do they not?... You abandoned your children. Look at Jennifer. She's on the stairs to the Bima, stage, right now... It's a sermon. That's abandonment... Yes. There are times to not be in the sanctuary. Maybe playgroups is a place to be. If you watched them, they wouldn’t be knocking their heads into poles at the jungle gym.
There is a reason you get off of work… It’s not time for a vacation for you. Getting off work itself has a different kind of holiness… Your kids are running around the shul. That's when you don’t come into the Sanctuary. You watch over them. Because they’re loud. There are sharp tables for a reason...
You have a requirement… They wouldn’t be walking around with blood dripping all over if you watched them...
 
Who shouldn’t come into the Sanctuary? Little Pinchas. Running around the shul again… He shouldn’t be in the sanctuary. His parents should be in the sanctuary, to take him out.
If we separated some members, it would be good for our congregation... The softball team. Some people shouldn't be on the baseball field... Nothing to do with holiness. They're just bad. It hurts our chances...
Requirements cause us to separate sometimes… Usually we want people back, but… 
The Friedbergs aren't here because you let them down...
 
We would like to welcome the Janklowitz family to our community. Jayson, Jess, Julie, Jill, Jack, Jake… Jack and Jake are the same. Jillian, Jermey, Joseph. It’s a pleasure to have you… Sorry. We also welcome Jennifer Janklowitz… The Janklowitzs should be here. We're happy to have you...
No. Nobody gave birth. They just don’t come to shul… Stay away from the Janklowitzs. Your staying away makes for greater holiness in our congregation, Hymie. At least more people wanting to be members…
Take that seat. They don’t show.
We welcome them. We spend time welcoming them, even when it takes away time from Davening. We nurture… I nurture. Nothing nurturing in the back left… Nurturing comes before holiness.
 
It's time for repentance. Rosh Chodesh... Nobody cares. We'll talk about repentance on Rosh Hashana... That's Rosh Chodesh too...
Watch the kids for crying out loud. We're about to start Musaf... 
 
And that is the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha. Here's a packet…
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi gave the Shabbat Hagadol Drasha a week early. A faux pas. The three Torahs that were brought out had everybody in a bit of daze.
The Drasha was great. Many sources. It was good he just handed out the packet and stopped right after that. As long as there are sources. That’s what the congregants want. 
There was also a Nietzsche source and a Freud. They love the nonTorah sources. Anything to do with Torah just lets the congregants down; they don't want that from Judaism. 
 
A beautiful sermon and teachings on the thought of separation being holy in itself, even when it’s separating from holy, for another requirement. The whole idea of not showing to the sanctuary, the rabbi couldn’t get a Minyin the following week.
Parents have to do their job. They take no responsibility. It’s like they come to shul to throw the kids on the congregation. They make it a point to not send them to groups. Groups are the place we throw kids. They come to shul and we relegate them to groups. Kids belong in batches. That's how we educate them, and keep them from bothering us in shul. I believe they had groups in the times of the Temple. I'm not sure. During the summer, there are no groups, as we throw the kids in summer camps.
If the parents don't do send them to groups, we get Shmulik on it. Shmulik scares them enough to want to be with other people, for protection. The problem is Shmulik took his winter vacation last week.
The Janklowitzs showed up. That was a beautiful welcome to their family. It took the rabbi three months to tell them they're not right.
I like that the Janklowitzs kept to the ‘J’ theme. I commend them for sticking to it.
 
After the rabbi said it was Rosh Chodesh, twelve people got up to start redoing the Amidah, the silent prayer. They all realized they forgot to say ‘Ya’aleh vYavo.’ So, the whole congregation waited for them to finish that before the rabbi continued with the Drasha. It was messed up. Nobody remembers to say Ya'aleh vYavo unless if the rabbi scares them into it. I once had to repeat the Amidah eighteen times. I suggested to the board to have a banger, a loud first Ya'aleh vYavo caller, a look given to each congregant from the rabbi (one that exudes guilt), and to have Shmulik walk around and command them to say it. If we cover all the bases, some of the members will remember to say it.
 
People started reporting conversations with Hymie, when he told them a joke. They walked to shul the following week with ‘I’m a victim of conversation’ Tshirts.
 
The rabbi did a great job of justifying his vacation. He didn’t even stay to sell the Chametz for the congregants. He ran and said it was because of their misdeeds. We were all confused. He just wanted out. In the end, he told us to sell it online. He said there's less of a chance of a random person walking into your house if they're online.
 
Finally, a seat was shown and there wasn’t an uncomfortable conversation about sitting in a person’s seat. First time. Usually, new people come and they’re told they can’t sit. Then we have to explain that people have seats. We should tell visitors to carry seats from their homes. That would be more welcoming.
 
People have stopped asking how the kids are doing. The're afraid it will be a conversation. Once people stopped saying ‘good’ and added information as to grandkids and college, we lossed members. Now people can’t show they care anymore.
I couldn't get away from discussion about the sick family member. I hope they're OK. I just don't have the time to listen. I care, I just have to run. I wanted to say, 'I'm out of here. I hope they make it.' Though Hymie never assaulted me, I was a victim of having to care. I joined in solidarity and as a victim the following week. I sported the shirt, 'I am a victim of conversation.'
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
0 Comments
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.

You Might Also Like

First Last



Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    A Jew can eat bacon, but only a bit.
    You get it? Bacon bits are kosher. Bacon is not kosher. If you eat the bits it's OK. You still can't eat pig. Not even a bit. We don't want to mis-educate our students.
    Picture
    The Falafel of Etan
    Israelis are very possessive of their falafel. Even when they have a shop, they don't like to share it… That's Etan. Standing over them while they eat. Making sure they don't run away with his falafel.

    Archives

    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021

    Categories

    All
    Aliyah
    Antisemitism
    Anti Semitism
    Bar/Bat Mitzvah
    Cartoon
    Chanukah
    Community
    COVID
    David Kilimnick
    Education
    Entertainment
    Europe
    Excercise
    Family
    Food
    Frum
    Halachot
    History
    Holiday
    Holidays
    Inspiration
    Interviews
    Israel
    Israelis
    Jerusalem
    Jewish
    Jewish Jokes
    Kosher
    Lag BOmer
    Marriage
    Mikakel Kaleekaku
    Mitzvot
    Moishe Unklovitch
    Mordechai Stein
    Netanel Kraus
    News
    Nonprofits
    Organziations
    Parsha
    Passover
    Pesach
    Pictures
    Politics
    Puns
    Purim
    Rabbi David
    Rebbes
    Religion
    Rivka Schwartz
    Rosh Hashana
    Scenes
    School
    Sermons Of Rebuke
    Shabbat
    Shavuot
    Shmulik
    Shul
    Simchas
    Singles
    Sports
    Stories Of Inspiration
    Style
    Sukkot
    Summer
    Tisha BAv
    Torah
    USA
    Wedding
    Wise Men Of Chelm
    Yeshiva
    Yom HaAtzmaut
    Yom Kippur
    Youth

    RSS Feed

DONATE to the Kibbitzer Magazine...
CLICK HERE to partner with JHF
spreading Jewish laughter and joy
Picture
Contact Us
FAQ
Terms of Use
Sponsor
​Dedicate Article
About Us
Contributors
Home Page
Subscribe to The Kibbitzer
© 2021 Kibbitzer Magazine and JHF. All rights reserved.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.

​The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
  • Articles
  • Shabbat Printout Year III
    • Shabbat Printout Year II
    • Shabbat Printout Year I
  • Health and Healing
    • Torah Humor
  • About Us
    • Partner and Dedicate
    • Subscribe
    • Get In Touch
    • Contributors
    • FAQ
    • Terms of Use