Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Tavo

by Rivka Schwartz

​Announcements 
High Holiday seats are being sold right now. First class seats are on sale as well. We're going to be bringing in foot rests for the plush seat section. We will also be serving pastry and alcohol to people with first class seats. Though we pushed for it, the rabbi won't let us serve snacks on Yom Kippur. Even if you pay extra money, he won't allow for it.
You must purchase seats, even if you purchased lifetime Yom Kippur seats. It doesn't count anymore. The lifetime is up.
 
Lulav and Etrog sales are going on now. We suggest everybody pay a lot. This way, you can get heaven, and we can pay for the shul's new Sukkah renovations.
 
No more flatulating in the middle of the services. People find it hard to concentrate. There have been many complaints about Reuven. If you haven’t noticed disturbed congregants sitting in discomfort, you have not been paying attention to the back left of the men’s section.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Entitled Congregants...
(Devarim 26:1) 'And it will be, when you come into the land... take from the first fruits...' There are rules. When you come in, there are rules... Shul needs rules too. When you walk into shul, you come in properly. Without talking to everybody...
They probably cleaned their feet in Israel. Maybe kissed the ground. On the shul trip to Israel, I was the only one to kiss the ground... It's not dirty. It's Holy Land... I know people walk on it, but it's holy... You don't have to shower if you're holy. Ever been to Jerusalem? Holy people...
'Take from the first fruits…' It's not yours. It’s God’s. That's the problem. You all think it's yours... The first Aliyah is God's too... I don't know why we give it to a Kohen. The point is that none of this is ours. We have to acknowledge it's God's. Other than the artwork from the Minkowitz family, which is hideous. And the pathetic community quilt. And the new renovations to the front of the shul. Other than that, and the young couples of the shul. Everything else is holy, and God's...
The High Holiday seats are not yours. The best thing you can do on the High Holidays is give your seat to a poor person.
When you come. Nobody wants to come to shul because people are flatulating… I understand it’s an open space. How are people supposed to concentrate on the Amidah when you have flashbacks everytime Frank bows... 
Got to wait 20 seconds. But for your flatulence... It's disgusting. It has been spreading throughout the shul from the back left. People squeeze their faces. I've seen nose finger plugging... 
 
(Devarim 26:5-8) After giving it to the Kohen, you talk about how you were slaves. You talk about how bad you had it, and how H' saved you and gave you this opportunity. It's about appreciation. Hakarat HaTov. Acknowledging how amazing your rabbi is... Flatulating is not a proper show of appreciation... No. This isn't a meal in Japan...
The Bikurim statement ends with 'I have brought the first of the fruit of the ground which you, O Lord, have given to me'... Your garden is nothing without God... Even the lilies are nothing without God. It all comes from God... You acknowledge that with the first fruits... Why have you never tithed? You think it all comes from your work. I have seen you work. You deserve nothing... It's not hard labor to say 'I am related to the boss...'
(Devarim 26:11) 'And you shall rejoice with all the good God has given you.' After you acknowledge that you're not a selfish congregant. Appreciate what H' has given you. After you are not crying about you having to be the one opening the ark... You can rejoice. When you realize you have done nothing... You've done nothing.
You rejoice with everybody. When you're not selfish, you can rejoice with all. Sharing is how you rejoice. When you share your Legos Chaim... When you don't flatulate, all can rejoice and enjoy... After not being selfish like Fran, you can all rejoice. You give poor people a seat…
Poor people don't deserve Lulavs and Etrogs. Those are expensive.
Tonight is Selichot. The start of Selichot. Do Teshuva. Don't do you. Don't be yourself. That's what you have to do Teshuva for. That and flatulating in shul... It's a land flowing with milk and honey. Not Bernie's gas....
 
Need first class seats? Are we davening in an plane? You can’t even pray on an airplane anymore… Used to be able to stand in the back and have a Minyin… Since they stopped that, antisemitism has gone down in numbers… Though, they’re still mad that Jews get the first meals. The nonJews don't rejoice at that... They give the Jews the first meals... That's not a law, to bring those to Jerusalem. You bless God before eating them though...

Start with doing Teshuva. Then we can rejoice.
 
Rivka’s Rundown​
First meals on planes causes a lot of Jew hatred in Topeka.

Sukkah renovations are the only kind the rabbi supports, as he doesn’t have to see them for more than a week. He even suggested to use the community quilt for a wall. I believe he is hoping the weather will kill it.
 
It does smell bad in shul. I think that showers should also be a necessity during the summer months. Showers and no flatulating.
Kim started a shul laundry service. It’s part of the Chesed Fund.
 
The Holy Land conversation the sermon brought up had everybody discussing purity and impurity and fights about women's rights came up. The rabbi said that women can kiss the ground of Israel too.
They almost fired the rabbi for suggesting that poor people deserve seats in shul on Yom Kippur.

People were mad to hear that the lifetime membership seats were not lifetime anymore.
Discussions of what lifetime means were had. Many congregants were deemed not alive anymore. So they had to sit in the back, in the Keter plastic seats.
Saying ‘the lifetime is up’ had a lot of people worried that they were going to be written in the book of death this year. The board decided that a lifetime is ten years. 

After extensive meetings, the board decided that burping in shul is also wrong. As is chaching onto pages to turn them. I believe the chaching on the pages was a financial concern. Old members caused us to have to purchase eighty new Siddurs last year.