Sermons of Rebuke II: Chukat

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The Shul yard sale will take place next Sunday. We ask that you sell stuff people want. They were offended by your 1980s tube TVs with the huge backs. They are not carriable, and they don't fit in homes. One guy said he needed a Minyin to lift the TV.
We understand you have stuff you want to get rid of, but writing 'We've upgraded to a flat screen that’s bigger and fits in our house’ on your item is offensive. We also ask that you don't sell twin mattresses that are too small for you to sleep on. If you can't sleep on it, that means it's too small for people. Wicker chairs are also discouraged. To quote a disgruntled member of the community who doesn't like to shop at Home Decor Inc., 'Am I not good enough for normal ottomans? I have to sit on wicker?! Wicker with no cushion?!'
Anything that is trash, please don’t bring to sell. If it’s in a trash bag, please don't bring it this year. Unopened trash bags are also not allowed to be sold this year either. We're not having another grab bag event. 
The board also asks that negotiations not get too loud. It’s embarrassing. It gives our shul a bad reputation when you fight. 
As we know that all of our members that are into collectibles are hoarders, we ask that you don't leave your collections behind. And no leaving your trash you can’t sell behind. Last year we almost had a Hoarders TV show episode filmed at the shul, when they heard the secretary couldn't get out, due to the couch with cats in it. When they heard they were dead cats, they wanted to know what kind of membership we have.
 
We noticed who didn't show to this year's fundraiser. We're keeping track of your lack of support for the shul.
We suggest members show to events. You should all show to funerals as well. We’re all keeping track of who is coming.
 
Simchas are now being hosted to get mad at people that don't give decent gifts. There is resentment to bad gift givers. The shul has received many complaints about the Frankel family in the suggestion box. The main suggestion was to not invited the Frankels to any Simcha.
We suggest all members give a lot of money, so there's less shul hatred, and we have less to listen to at Kiddish. We also ask you spend at least two hundred dollars on gifts. That or give two hundred dollars straight. If it's not on sale, the two hundred dollars is better in cash. Sales are greatly appreciated, as that shows you put thought into the gift. For this reason, it’s suggested you keep the sale sign on the gift. We've been asked to announce that Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, as well as weddings and Brises, are an investment. There's a reason you're invited to birthday parties as well.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Impure...

(Bamidbar 19:2) H' tells Moshe and Aharon, 'This is the Chok of the Torah'.... It's a decree. I'm not going to explain... Why do I have to explain every little thing to you? You still don't trust me... Now I understand H.' If you were His congregants... 'Why? I'm God. I think that's the explanation.'
Rashi, quoting Tanchuma 7-8, explains that it's a decree that you can't contemplate over... Because other nations and the Satan will ask the reasons for this Mitzvah... And because you're annoying. This congregation is very annoying... No more contemplating. When you guys think about stuff, you mess it up. The garage sale. It was on a lawn... Then call it a yard sale. Stop thinking about stuff... It's not like people like garage sales more than yard sales... It's a Satan... Yes. I've contemplated leaving this shul.
Every question you guys ask is a Satan. A bunch of Satan questions... The back left. Satan conversations... Yes. You have to keep Shabbis... I won't give in. I will not tell you what this Dvar Torah is about... Every sermon, you want to know. I feel like you asking me what I am talking about is a Satan in the shul...
 
What's the Chok? The red heifer to purify people. The mixture... You're not pure. So, let's focus on the shul. We need Shul decrees...
You have to wear a tie. No looking over the Mechitza... It scares the women.
I shall not explain. These are Choks. I am not a sinner. I don't explain stuff. 'And you shall go in God's ways.' From now on, I will explain nothing as a rabbi...
And no more sinning... It's a Chok. I will not explain what the sins are. Just don't do them...

(Bamidbar 19:20) 'And a man that becomes impure and doesn't purify himself, this person shall be cut off from the people.' Anybody who... I feel like this congregation should be cut off. You walk in without a tie. Impure... Who else should be cut off from our shul? At least from Bingo night... And Bernie. Cut him off... Why do we allow these congregants...
Bad gift givers at Simchas. Kick them out. Why do you even invite them... The shul needs a registry of bad gift givers, to know who to not invite to Simchas... You know, when they give you a twenty dollar bill with a smile, you should've have invited them...
And clean clothes. (19:7) You have to clean your clothes too... Before coming into the camp, you have to be clean... Shower, for crying out loud. It's the summer...
It's a Chok. I don't have to explain it.
A Chok. You give decent gifts. It's wedding season.
If you don't do it. You're cut off... I'm not going to explain what cut off means... I will not promise seats in shul for the High Holidays. Cut off...
 
More Choks for the shul... And rugulach at Kiddish... A decent spread includes locks, AND RED ONIONS... 
If you decided to place it in a trash bag, there’s a reason. It shouldn’t be at the shul yard sale. One guy literally dumped trash last year… It was his trash. There were chicken bones. Marrow sucked out.
Your trash is not somebody else’s treasure, unless that treasure is leftover bitten chicken thighs… They don’t have your memories… You sold your trash as memories last year. Two hundred dollars for a Teddy Ruxpin. They didn’t grow up with Ruxpin…
It was an embarrassment. Not a fundraiser. An embarrassment to the shul… Your trash is cut off from the congregation. And that includes your cans of peas and carrots to the food cupboard. You're doing nothing for the poor people… You’ll have to throw it out or recycle it yourself… The shul cannot be embarrassed anymore by your behavior. Cut off… Your trash is cut off. If you can’t dress it up right, then throw it out. Cut it off... Even Fran. Cut off...
 
It's all embarrassing to the congregation. That’s why we have to cut you off… Haggling at the shul… You haggle all the time. You haggled for your dues. It’s Tzedakah… I saw you haggling with the guy that was begging. You don’t haggle with charity… You said, ‘How about a dollar?!’ He asked for a five… It wasn’t shuk day. It wasn’t the Israeli Independence Day event… This is the Midwest. Not the Middle East.
You can’t call the amount you sell, your dues. It’s a favor we’re doing for you…
 
People who give bad gifts. They’re cut off from the shul… We don’t want to hear it at Kiddish. We know that The Book of Our Heritage has been given by everybody… You didn't buy it...
You gave the book from your son’s Bar Mitzvah. You gave it to Samantha...
We understand the meal is less than two hundred dollars. But they’re doing it to make money…
 
None of you showed to my grandfather’s funeral… I have no idea who came. I know who didn’t come. You're cut off... And you didn't give any gifts...
 
It’s a Chok... No. I’m not going to explain what a decree is.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi truly brought home the point of how annoying these questions are. I can't imagine how annoying it is for God to have to explain His commandments to the Jews. 'Why do we have to follow this one?' 'Because I said so. I'm God.'

The rabbi left a lot of stuff in his sermon unexplained. He just said, 'It's a Chok. A decree.'

It turns out that the whole shul is bad gift givers. They never even went to the registry.
What’s on the shul registry? Shul membership dues. The shul registry had different options for paying dues in honor of the Ba'alei Simcha (people being celebrated). One Bar Mitzvah kid received the gift of the Lefkowitz family dues being paid in his name. He didn't like that gift.
The new registry of the list of people who shouldn't be invited is out. Everybody chekcs out that registry.

The rabbi wants to kick everybody out of the shul.
Yes. He did say the congregants are Satan. That did offset letting them all know they're impure. After the sermon, they all accepted they're impure.

I think the rabbi is getting sick of explaining the Torah all the time. At one point, he said the whole Torah is a Chok. And he stopped giving classes for half a year.