Sermons of Rebuke II: Behar

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Couples counseling is now taking place in the shul lobby on Mondays. We ask the Feigenwitzs and the Bergmans to come, to help us explain your messed up children. FA has been meeting in our shul as well. The difference between the meetings is that Families Anonymous is for couples who fight in front of their kids.

No parking in shul parking lot on Shabbis. People have become too bold. Now they have reserved spots. They have Shabbis signs. The board discussed it and they decided that driving on Shabbat is forbidden. From now on, you can only park in the parking lot if you pay a parking membership fee.
 
We formed the Death Committee this week. To capitalize on people passing, letters will go out to families around Yahrzeits, with appeal cards inside. Our new 'support the shul so your family member has a chance at going to heaven' committee will also knock on doors the day of Yahrzeits, with appeal cards. Engraved name specific Yizkur candles will also be for sale. They’re a great way to make money. Scented candles optional. Chanel Number 5 will be available for Bubbies. The new funds will help raise money for the in-shul jungle gym, in memory of whoever gives the most money.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…

There has been a lot of property fights in our congregation... I know the silver pointer 'Yad' with your name on it is yours, Shlomo... They used it, because you left it on the Shulchan. It was there, right on the table. Stop leaving your stuff around.

When it comes to Israel, (Vayikra 25:23) 'the land shall not be sold in perpetuity, because the land is Mine. For you're sojourners and settlers with Me'... In the shul, you're just takers... You are a sojourner in the land. It's H's... Perpetuity here means forever. All the time... You ask me questions in perpetuity... Everything is temporary, except for questions from Fran and Bernie, and Max, and... That's why I've been late to Kiddish. Too many questions in perpetuity... 
Kiddish is good now. The sisterhood will mess it up. They think Kiddish is theirs...

We have to understands that we are sojourners... We have to have the understanding that we are not owners.
Temporary residents... They make the best congregants. That's what H' wanted in Israel. Decent congregants. Sojourners. Not people who fight over the rabbi's salary.
The land is H's... He says 'Mine' but he shares. You just have to understand that you can't take everything... You take all the kichel at Kiddish and think it's yours. That's why nobody shares with you. That's why nobody asks if you want to cut them at the table... If they asked if you wanted something, you would say 'all of it'... That's why nobody does you favors... You think it's yours. H' shares with people who know it's His... That's why are blessed when the land rests in the seventh year. You wouldn't know... You also don't live in Israel...
 
We have no real home in this world... The Finkelwitz residence is not a house...
The shul is not your residence... I know you're parking right at the shul's entrance on Shabbis. That has to stop...
I support Families Anonymous. I would rather deal with anonymous people than the Finkelwitzs… I know how bad the kids have it... The parents think they own everything... 'Who broke my remote!!!!' The kids live their too. You can share the remote...
Life is about understanding it is not ours... You're sojourners in this shul, so share Kiddish...

Your Makom Kavuah has caused so many fights... Share your seat for crying...
The shul is not your home... You're sleeping, Bernie...
Everything goes back to Him in the Jubilee Year. Yovel... You built a fence on his land. That's wrong... You can't now say it's yours... Stealing over time is still stealing... You squatted on His land. That doesn't mean you own it. If I do bench press in your yard for five years, that doesn't make it my yard. It makes me a bad neighbor... It's God's land. Do you own God...

You put your Siddur on his shtender. That's wrong. You have intruded his shtender space... You can't overtake somebody else's land, that is renting from God... I understand it's confusing, because you've inherited everything and you've never been a renter... 
You get your stuff back in the Jubilee Year... It's a jubilee because finally people aren't ripping you off anymore. Garages aren't taking all your money...
(Vayikra 25:14) When you sell stuff or make a purchase 'do not aggrieve one another.' Everytime I talk to the board, I get aggravated. Bad congregants.... You're sojourners... You think it doesn't aggravate him when you steal part of the land...
Buyers can be annoying too. They can kill a jubilee… If you understand that it is God’s, and your business dealings are with God, you won’t be a jerk… You charged the shul to honor your grandfather with a Kiddish... You think God doesn't know how to haggle? Try ripping off God...
Once you understand that you are settlers without true ownership, you will be living with God... It's His... Your shtender is His...
You don’t own a parking spot at the shul… We’re Shomer Shabbis…
Just mow your lawn. It's a shanda. There is no jubilee with a lawn like that... Take care of H's lawn... Maybe in the Jubilee Year, you can't mow it in Israel... You're in Topeka...
 
Right now this shul needs a jubilee... A gymboree. All the same... All brings happiness... No jubilee has ever happened at Mike's Garage... If he had a Gymboree… Jubilee has never happened when you thought the Kiddish was yours and then ... Some of that kichel has been around for a jubilee. It's time to get rid of it...
The parking lot is H’s... Respect it all. It’s all H’s… Treat it well. Understand that it's not yours and you shouldn't treat it like your lawn...
 
And a slave. A Jewish slave must be sent free… Again. Not yours. It’s all H’s. You don’t own people… Merv pays very well. Those people aren’t leaving the shoe business…
 
How else do you steal...
You steal my time. Maybe you can rest from questions...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Everybody was safe on Lag BaOmer. They stayed away from the kids, with their bows and arrows. Once the rabbi told everybody about the bows and arrows and bonfires tradition, the elderly stayed inside.

They really are bold. Some of the members have been parking right in front of shul. Right near the door.
The Seder at the rabbi's house had ten cars outside. Bold as anything. Even parked at the fire hydrant. He invited the congregants and it turned into a religious protest at his house. They even rang the bell.

Squatting on H’s land was taken to heart by many, who thought it was a brilliant idea. I noticed that the parents of the kids who made the bonfire in back of the shul have set up a tent. The rabbi decreed that they pay for two Shabbat parking spots.
My neighbor is squatting on my land. Why does he need to make things awkward? He's not even a congregant.
 
​People purchasing can be annoying. I've been trying to sell stuff on Ebay. They ask questions. Anybody who asks a question is not buying.
The rabbi doesn't allow congregants to do business anymore with other members. He said, 'I know the congregants are annoying. Dealing with them in business, even as customers, will just aggrieve... David can't buy a thing without asking every question...'

We decided to have a yearly jubilee. People were happy for a week, and then the jubilee became regular. Now everybody is back to complaining.
 
The death committee is like the death lineup. A lot of people are cheering for them, as the NBA season comes to a close. A lot of death talk. They're very good at talking about people dying. Every conversation with them, death.
I have a hard time hearing about death constantly. Everybody I talk to, 'Did you hear. She's dead... Great people. Dead... Great falafel store. He died...' I hope they're bringing in good money to the shul. 'She used to donate tons... Dead.' I heard that too. 
 
The rabbi started paying people to not be members. Members think they own everything.
The Makom Kavuah just makes everyone uncomfortable. They don't share the seats at shul. All they do is kick people out of them. These people think they own those chairs. One member took their chair home and said, 'Not till the next Jubilee.'
The rabbi then went on to say what members are thieves. He also went on to say which couples need couple counseling, and which families need Families Anonymous, explaining which children are wrong. He used the word 'wrong' to define the kids. Which might have led to more insecurity.
The rabbi got an oil change and the garage overcharged him, five weeks ago. He's still mad about it. Everytime he goes to the garage, he works it into his sermon for a few months. A lot of anger. Every time he uses the word 'Rasha,' evil person, he's talking about his mechanic. As he mentioned in the sermon, mechanics are thieves as well. They think your car is theirs and they sojourn on it by ripping you off.
The rabbi told Mike to get a Gymboree. Now people love going to Mike’s Garage, and they are happy getting ripped off.

The rabbi has mixed up the shul seating chart so people can't kick guests out of seats anymore. It's uncomfortable. Even I got kicked out of my seat, when I accidently wore a big hat one day and they thought I was Mrs. Nafkowitz.
Now, people finding their seats has turned into a very long activity. There's no signage, just a piece of paper with a shul chart. But you can't tell if it's the left or right side of the shul. People asking others if their seat is correct is fine. The way the men in the back left used to talk during Layning, you can hear the Torah reading better now. And it's very personable. It's like an icebreaker mixer every Shabbis, with a bunch of married people. 
Whoever made the chart for June third has caused a lot of fighting and aggravation.
When asked about changing back to seats, so people can feel comfortable praying in a spot they are used to, to find their Kavanah (connection and focused meaning in prayer), the rabbi said he is resting this year from any questions from congregants. He also expressed how happy he is, and that is jubilating to not have to listen to congregants' questions or complaints. The rabbi was very clear that all questions from congregants are complaints.
 
Our congregants have some wild untamed grass growing in their yards. If our congregants start to think they're sojourners, they'll never mow their lawns. Some these apartments are also a wreck. The rabbi's message of not being yours is not going to sell to the renters. As the sisterhood has started to tell me about Kiddish, ‘It’s up to H’ to do it.’
With the amount of grass, I wouldn't even call them lawns. They're fields. Small .1 acre fields, with a house somewhere in there.