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The Shul's communal Sukkot event will not happen at the shul. It turns out that the bouncy house Sukkah can only be used as a bouncy house. They tried placing a table in there, but found out that it flipped over when you walk. The shul is returning the Sukkah due to false advertisement of it working as a Sukkah.
Next year, the shul will go back to the High Holiday traditional tunes people like. They thought it would be a good idea to try tunes that aren't enjoyable. The board didn’t realize that Jewish people like tradition when they're repenting for letting their ancestors down. It has more meaning to let your ancestors down with the tunes they knew. The shul will also stick to Machzor prayers, against board protest. The board wanted more English readings, but the rabbi insisted that the Yom Kippur service is not a choose your own prayer book.
Next year we'll have a Chazin. People are mad they paid 200 bucks and got a second rate performance on Yom Kippur. Next year, people will get their money's worth. Yom Kippur will rock. A show with a lot of Kvetching. The board wanted a band, but due to sinning on Yom Kippur with breaking the laws while repenting for them, we're going to try to get an acapella troupe.
We will have ushers for the appeals next year as well. People had no idea what to do after they flipped the tabs, and the rabbi said 'Ushers.' We are sorry for the awkward experience of flipping over a tab and then putting it back in your seat pocket. We advise everybody to not donate any money this year to the Israel Relief Fund, or the shul, as the people asking for the money may have stolen your donation cards from the pockets.
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 32:1) 'Listen Heavens and I will speak. And hear oh earth the words of mouth.' You people don't listen. You never listen. Did you get the message from last week? And the week before?... Then why does the shul still have a board.
Moshe knows the heavens and earth listen... It's not like talking to a wall. Walls don't listen, Bernie. And neither do congregants…
Heaven and earth are witness. They’re always there unlike your kids that don’t visit. It’s the holidays. Still not visiting… You shouldn’t have to visit them. You're old. They should visit you…
Witness that there were no ushers for the Yizkur appeal...
They are witnesses forever. Witnesses that you say stupid stuff.
The earth and the heavens are listening. If they ever have to listen to another joke from Merv... Merv. You tell jokes and... I think that is what causes thunderstorms. The heavens hears your joke and a thunderstorm comes, and the earth is destroyed... It's your jokes...
People hear it all. All is heard...
They don't listen to you. You say stupid stuff. The earth and the heavens are listening. Your kids don't. But the heavens do...
The Davening was messed up... The heavens and earth are witness that we need a new Chazin...
The heaven and earth are listening.
The ‘Oy yay yays’ between paragraphs at Musaf were too fast… I don’t know if the earth and heavens could of heard that. I guess they don’t listen to congregants… You don’t annunciate. Groans don’t work. Groans are not penitent...
Stupid stuff. The bouncy house Sukkah??? You can’t eat in that. Food’s flying all over. The heavens and earth saw the idiots trying to place a table on that... Be penitent for your stupidity...
(Devarim 32:4-5) He is just and upright. 'Destruction is not His. It's His children's defect you crooked and twisted generation.' H' is just and righteous. I see you, I fell like I have to bend my head to get a decent visual... You're all twisted and crooked. Messed up...
You guys make the mistakes... I can't go through all the stupid stuff again. The heavens and earth remember... Pinchas can't even find his shoes. Can an adult help please go out to the hallway and help him remember where he took them off...
Saying 'Good Shabbis,' that's H' speaking. It's goodness. It's upright. If anybody were to help the elderly... You don't help the elderly. Uprightness would say to help. H'...
The board messes up... Then where were the ushers for the Yizkur appeal?... H' does the right tunes. Our Chazin does these messed up Yom Kippur specials that he heard on new Miami Boys Choir CD... Nobody understands that stuff. It's twisted. Sing Mordechai Ben David. Upright Chazin singing... And the heavens and the earth have to listen to this?!
If you listened to H'. Did a Mitzvah. Built a Sukkah correctly... You put the A plank next to the B plank. You stand them upright. Not crooked...
(Devarim 32:3) 'When I call out the name of H' give greatness to God'... You can't even do that right. The Pasuk said to do it. You just sat there like a wall... Earth and heaven would've said something... At least say 'Amen.' Brought greatness... Even when you answer 'Yehei Shmei Rabba...' it feels like nothing. You're not calling out... Crooked and twisted...
(Devarim 32:6) 'Is this how you repay the Lord, you disgraceful, unwise people?! Is He not your Father, your Master? He has made you and established you.'
Look at this shul. Pathetic. This is crookedness. This is not giving greatness to H's name... I feel bad saying H' established this shul. It would offend the Smith and Schwartz family who cut the ribbon in 1972...
From Chabad.org. Yes. That is where I get my translations. Is there a better translation?... They're all going to say you are doing stuff wrong as the president of the shul...
I couldn't say it better than Moshe. You're a disgrace...
And this is the Sukkah you build Him???!!! I know you eat in it…
There were no ushers. How was I to raise money for the shul… They flipped the tabs and had no idea what to do. They thought they got out of it... The request letters are going to come as a shock... I know they always come as a shock. But this year, it will be more of a shock. When they don't pay their pledged amount, they will be more in shock that they pledged it... H’ would’ve brought ushers. He would've established ushers...
Rashi explains ‘Disgraceful… people’ to be because ‘that they forgot what was done for them.’ When you forget what was done for you, you make dumb decisions. Hence the board, no ushers and the Chazin... And this ark cover.
If you would remember what was done for you, you would give over decent jokes. You would have ushers, like the ushers who collected for all the Yizkur appeals years back that ended up collecting ideas for donations that were never paid, to go to the building fund. You would remember decent tunes and build a Sukkah that works to sit in and praise H,' to repay Him for what He has done for us. And we would praise Him normally with a good Chazin...
Good Shabbis. That's H.'
The rabbi was at shul for Yom Kipur. He said he wouldn't but he showed up. It was between his job and holiness.
The rabbi used the heavens and earth to go off on every way the congregation is annoying. He treated it like a court case against having to deal with the membership. 'And the heavens and earth said they hated the congregants, too.' The congregants definitely cried when the heavens and earth agreed with the rabbi that their kids don't love them, and that's why they don't visit.
It would've been great if the heavens and earth could talk. I believe they would be on the rabbi's side. Merv's jokes are a bit much.
The rabbi really doesn’t want a board. That is clear. It seems the heavens and earth also don't want a board.
The rabbi went off on each sin. He stopped and pointed to Bernie for half of them
'Who has been haughty... Let’s talk about the board.' Very smooth. He also went off on other congregants in a subtle manner. One was, 'Who has spoken gossip? Fran???'
Stupid is the right way to describe the congregants. A bouncy house Sukkah? Even the kids got mad when they tried eating and jumping at the same time. Even Chaim said it makes no sense, as he was mad he couldn't eat his mom's brisket while doing a flip.
I always wondered why the rabbi gave speeches. I now understand. The earth and heaven listen. At least he knows that. I can tell you the women who sit next to me don't.
Kids not visiting their parents is a problem. Other shuls are packed on the holidays. Our shul is a loveless feeling of Shabbis. Truth is if any of the congregants would know how to cook a decent kugel, the kids would be here.
When you don't teach the Torah of 'honor your parents' you don't get honored. Your kids have to hate you when they're young, hearing the lessons, in order for them to respect you when they're older. My kids complained all the time. That's why they visit now. To get back to me by sicking their children on me.
With all that said. A decent kugel would bring the kids home for the holiday. Children are always happy to visit kugel.
The rabbi ended up just quoting the Moshe. Great rebuke. He ended with a 'you are disgraceful.'
The rabbi’s Kitel was stained on Yom Kippur. Really killed the appeal. He blamed the ushers, but it was also the stain on his Kitel.
No ushers for Yom Kippur. That ruined the appeal. The rabbi looked pathetic. He announced, ‘Ushers now go around’ and nobody went. People just played it like something happened.
It was messed up. But the rabbi went around after shul was over and collected the cards. People were angry when they got the bill. They thought they got out of it.
As we learned later, the rabbi's Yom Kippur appeal was great. It was a message that spoke to all. ‘Give money. People died. Give money.’ He raised more than the shul ever raised. And there were no ushers. I am sorry I keep bringing up the no ushers. It was just awkward. Very not in sync.
I don't know why we still do the appeal. They never pay. The flip the tabs and don't pay. It's a statement of 'if I would pay, I would pay this amount.' The appeal next year should be 'this is the amount of my previous pledges I will pay.'
The rabbi led Musaf and did the announcements. It’s weird going from Chazin voice to page announcer voice. But he did it. He multi-tasked the whole thing after the Chazin refused to do tunes people liked on Yom Kippur. The rabbi chased him out and had to finish Musaf.
The rabbi was teaching everybody the tunes. He spent extra time with the Chazins. They were practicing and they still got them wrong. Zevulun corrected them and took over the Chazin singing, from his seat. He was louder than the Chazin. I think that's why the Chazin left.
I just hope they get the tunes right next year. Otherwise, there will be a lot of fights.
Many congregants have been haughty lately. The rabbi gave a class on proper hand movements in greeting, to not put yourself above other people. You can’t cup the hand. Cupping the back of the head is considered abusive as well. As is pinching any cheek of somebody over thirty. No matter how old you are, you cannot squeeze for more than eight seconds. I have seen people shake hands to wish 'Good Shabbis,' and then their faces become bright red. They look like they're going to explode, proving their Jewish dominance.
Other classes were given on when to sit and stand and how to do the ‘Nay Nay’ drone better. The rabbi also taught the congregants how to do a penitent groan properly. In order to properly drone and groan, you have to look sad and pathetic, like the shul's president, as the rabbi said.
The ushers not coming around was awkward for everybody. If somebody would've said 'this is awkward,' the congregation would've stopped looking around for twelve minutes, and we would've been able to have continued with Yizkur. They should've at least found ushers between Kol Nidrei and Yizkur, but they didn't.
It turns out, some down and out members took the donation cards for the shul, and asked for that money. They put their names and their addresses in the donation request letters. They figured that they were members of the shul, and thus, the money in essence would be going to the shul.
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Others were to be blessed by Yakov and non-central flowing water. H' told him, 'By you and your offspring.'
You get it? Offspring. His children are offspring. Ot it's a spring somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Off the path. Spring off. Offspring. It might be a spring in the bed mattress that isn't doing it's job. A spring that is off.
That's how the real Kotel Yarmulkes are made. Jewish origami. We origami with staple, because it makes sense. The same way we make our Sukkah decorations... I miss those Kippahs, they worked great for holding nachos too.