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The shul summer diet is on. We are looking to not be the most out of shape shul this summer. We understand you are all beautiful. However, H' likes it when you look good in a non-double-breasted suit for Davening. And the shul softball team needs it too.
In honor of July 4th and commemoration of Canada Day, the shul will be adding a special prayer of thanks to God that we are not Canada.
Due to last year's debacle, there won't be fireworks in the shul. We know that fireworks are social. However, safety precautions don't allow for a fire in the shul's halls. Fires on shul premises are not allowed. We already received a citation on Lag BOmer.
There will be a pool party for women only. Men aren't allowed, due to laws of modesty, and the sight of you being frightening looking.
No hitting people to say 'Hi.' We understand that you're being friendly, but your friendliness hurts. Even if it's a shoulder hit, or tush slap, it's not appreciated. We've had too many shul injuries in our shul due to friendliness. The men’s shelter has expressed their concern. They’ve reported bruises from kind greetings.
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...
I'm beginning to think you're not. The board decided against my idea of having a choolante cafe... Heretics. You protest. Why? Because it was my idea... Just like the board, there was Korach. We know him as Rachel. The new treasurer...
(Bamidbar 16:3) Korach and his people 'gathered on Moshe and on Aharon, and they said to them, "It's too much for you. Cause the whole assembly, all of them are holy... why do you exalt yourselves on the congregation of Israel."'... What's too much for me is having to hear you at Kiddish. The conversations are painful... I don't think that's what God had in mind for the Kohens. Dealing with your complaints. 'Reuven has an issue with how long the Mishebeyrachs take. Aharon. Take care of that. It's your job to deal with the Mishebeyrach issue, Aliyahs, the anger over Malka's new hat being flashy, and lighting the Menorah, Aharon.'... When did the job of the community leaders be to field Samantha's thoughts on the new shul awning? Figuring out why Michal is still mad at Malka for the hats that she wears during the summer... She can wear whatever hats she wants. She doesn't sweat like you, Malka. And the doily is not religious… Doilys are only religious when there's kichel inside of them... That would've been to much for Moshe and Aharon... Because it's annoying. Yitro even noted it to Mosher. He told Moshe, 'This is too much for you. The people will line up with annoying questions. You can see. They have a two mile line, just waiting to complain... The Levi concert line wasn't this long...'
Closing on the mortgage is not a Halachik question... I don't know how to answer. I just know that you're gathering against me... Then make the choolante cafe happen...
They were 'on.' They gathered against. They didn't gather with. They were looking for their power. On Moshe and Aharon. Kind of like the Gabai, who says that everybody is worthy of an Aliyah... They get the Aliyahs, Shmuel. They all get called to the Torah. They just don't all give sermons... I know they complain. They have no idea what the Torah says. How many of you know what the word 'Barchu' means?....
'All are holy.' Yes... You're a holy congregation. But annoying.
Moshe falls on his face... That means he was praying... Whenever I say Tachnun, and I bring my head down, I'm thinking about how messed up this congregation is. Every single time... I fall on my face and think about what I did wrong to get into this situation at this shul...
He didn't slip on Korach. I don't think they tripped him.
He couldn't take it. Did anybody help him up? No. They were on him... I fell. I was walking up to the Bima and I tripped on the step... You didn't help me!!!
I fall on my face on Yom Kippur... That's for Aleynu. That's part of the prayer... I don't know how I deal with the Gabai. Yet, he hasn't been eaten by the earth.
When you have no idea how to deal with something, you fall on your face in prayer... It's hard to deal with a congregation of heretics. I understand Moshe... The amount of heretics that show up on Yom Kippur...
What caused him to fall?... Exalt? He exalted himself over them? You are going to blame Moshe for exalting himself? He didn't want the leadership...
You think this position is exalted? Having to deal with Bernie… The accusations you people come up. I give sermons because that's my job. It is my Tafkeed. My task. What's your task?... As congregants, it's not to come over to me at Kiddish. You all want autonomy. You have a board, to make dumb decisions... The earth didn't swallow you up. But the ceiling is leaking. The board could do their job. The Korachs...
You have independence… You’re in America. You hired me!!!
Exalt myself over this? This is not exaltation... Yes. We need to lose weight as a congregation... I am here to help with your health... Spiritual and physical. I'm more of an exercise guru than a rabbi... Choolante is the way to get there. Choolante and Kichel...
Last year, everybody walked to first base... You hit the ball and walked. You need to run... That's why we lost and people didn't show up to shul. Half of our congregation is too out of shape to make it... Shabbat morning services are now up to three hours, because it takes five minutes for you guys to get up to your Aliyah... You deserve the Aliyah, but you can't make it up there by yourself... You asked Mark to lift you up to the Bima, Bernie...
They weren't good cooks... Men did cook back then. So they took their pans and they died... I wish it was that easy... I don't know when men stopped cooking... No. They baked in the Beit Hamikdash...
(Bamidbar 16:11) Moshe goes on to tell Korach that his ego is getting in the way, and that he wants to be a Kohen too... It's because of his ego. he was already a Levi... He already gets to leave services during Musaf. What else does he need? It's ego. We've seen it in our congregation... You're a Yisrael, Mark. Moshe notes that being a Levi is not enough for them. They need it all. Like Sarah with the choolante. Can't share... I didn't say to eat it all. Share it...
Moshe goes on to tell them that they are 'joining against God, and Aharon, what is he that you're protesting against him?' It's for you. Not for the people... What did Aharon do?... Exactly. He did his job. He did what he was asked to do. Every time somebody fulfills a duty here, you rag on them...
It's your ego. It's because you make a bad choolante, Samantha... Cook it and share, and all will get along... When you use a frying pan to make choolante, bad things happen.
When you do it against other people. When you raise yourself above everybody. When you get a huge hat, like Malka... God is not part of this shul's Aliyah choolante hat ego...
Korach took God out of the decision making. He made it about ego... The softball league patheticness is the next level of not trying. Just like Korach wanted stuff given to him, you want the game given to you... Then run a little...
That’s not independence. When a hat is in your face, it's intrupendence... Independence from your people? Korach already had independence. He wanted power. When you want power, that is when bad things happen, like a three hour Shabbat morning Shacharit service. Like a messed up awning and hats that are independent of style...
Independence from your rabbi??? Is that what you want?... You wanted me as your rabbi and now you protest. Now you want to be the rabbi... Yes. Smicha is important...
(Bamdibar 16:4) Moshe fell on his face. What else do you do when you have to deal with this?... I don't know. I am looking at the back left and I am asking myself...
The dumb questions you have… Korach and his people would ask questions like that… Why am I in charge of services? I’m the rabbi.
From now on, when I say something that makes sense, take it as H's word. Take it as Jewish law.
No more hitting arms to say Shabbat Shalom… I know you think it’s friendly, Tim. However, we’ve been cited for abuse… No buddies. Your friendliness hurts people
Did Korach use violence? I’m not sure. Phil’s friendliness does hurt though.
Moshe fell on his face in prayer, due to sadness… Michael fell on his face due to kindness and love. You said hello and he re-ruptured his hernia...
And Yes. We need a new awning. Why is that my task?... I just don’t know why “Rachel” doesn’t take care of that….
Don’t be like Korach. Or Bernie.
Too many people have been walking out of shul with bruises, due to friendliness. They are thinking of shutting down our shul, as people love each other too much and are too affectionate.
I have to tell Thelma she's got to calm down. She’s being friendly to me by hitting me. She thinks she's a dude. She even elbowed me. It's like she's practicing her Thai-boxing on me, when she wishes me a Good Shabbis. I have no idea how to take it.
I did see one guy kindly knock out Baruch, as a friendly gesture of comradery.
The rabbi is correct. Choolante is holy. At least the non-religious congregants don't appreciate it as much as the ones that are going to heaven. I've never seen a doily wearer eat choolante, or speak Yiddish.
We had to do something about the awning. It’s ripped. The rabbi thought that something that is stands out to anybody who enters the shul, the board might fix it.
Rachel ended up purchasing a neon pink awning. I don’t know if it's what the shul was going for. The rabbi ended up calling them heretics for thinking on their own and doing something. I believe he called them Korachs.
Doilies must stop. We now have nothing nice to put in the wicker baskets for the Kichel. Some of the older women are taking their head-coverings out of the Kiddish wicker bowls. They're stuck putting napkins in it. Fran was sitting and Feivel mistakenly placed his bit Kichel on her head.
They do all argue about the hats. The summer hats are bigger. They're just made out of straw. Huge hats. Many of our less religious congregants head to the horse races right after shul. I think they're dressed for that.
The rabbi got everybody going with that Malka's hat being too big comment at the end of the sermon. It was like an old British mob with all the women her section pointing at her, saying, 'Yew. Yew.' The rabbi stopped the mob by acknowledging how ugly each of those women's hats was. It turns out that making fun of hats is very easy. You can even say 'look at that viser,' and people will laugh. It was a great lesson in Lashon Hara, and how to un-embarrass someone by embarrassing everybody else. Now, when we mock people, we mock everybody.
The rabbi is really big on losing weight. He wants somebody to be able to run to first base this season. He feels that other shuls will start respecting our congregation if they can't throw us out that easily.
They lose their personalities. They lose weight and they changed. Can't drink beer anymore. If you used to drink beer and now you can't, you've lost your personality. I lost an old friend to a diet a few years back. We couldn’t eat together anymore. And now she drinks Crystal Light.
I’ve lost a lot of friends with this diet. This diet thing is annoying. It changes their personalities. When somebody can't join me for a piece of Danish, I can't talk to them anymore. And then I'm trying to talk to her, and she's like, 'Let's go for a walk.' What happened to talking over Danish?
Shul day camp is little Simchas way of making money this summer. It’s not even at the shul. It’s a good teenage scam. He watches the kids in his backyard. No fence. He calls it the Open Shul Camp. It's like a school without walls, that has no walls.
No adult supervision. It just so happens that if you put the shul's name on something, safety is not a priority.
The July 4th fireworks were nice. Everybody in the shul kept talking about them being the most exciting thing they had ever seen, as there was a crescendo, and then another crescendo.
The questions to the rabbi are annoying. It's too much for anybody. The problem is that the Jewish Family Services charges for counseling.
I’ve heard dumb questions to the rabbi. I just heard his side of the call. ‘You can go to Krogers. They have an excellent dairy section.’ ‘The mortgage is fine.’ ‘Pay your dues. That’s a good idea.’
Everybody complains about the rabbi. Yet, none of them have said, 'We want your position.' That is where Korach went wrong. He had no idea how annoying our members can be.
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Others were to be blessed by Yakov and non-central flowing water. H' told him, 'By you and your offspring.'
You get it? Offspring. His children are offspring. Ot it's a spring somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Off the path. Spring off. Offspring. It might be a spring in the bed mattress that isn't doing it's job. A spring that is off.
That's how the real Kotel Yarmulkes are made. Jewish origami. We origami with staple, because it makes sense. The same way we make our Sukkah decorations... I miss those Kippahs, they worked great for holding nachos too.