Sermons of Rebuke II: Bechukotai

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Shabbat Mvorchim is this Shabbat. So, do not come to shul on Tuesday, Rosh Chodesh, if you're going to complain about showing up late to work. If you don't care about God, and you can't stand how Simmy davens reals slow, like myself who finds it annoying, please don't come.
 
The Jerusalem Day performance will not take place on Jerusalem Day. It will be in August, so the Finkelwitz family can be there. The board of rabbis said we can't say Hallel then, as the Finkelwitz family showing up to a program is not a big enough miracle. If they showed for Minyin, there would be reason for extra praises to God. We still welcome the donations from the Finkelwitzs and they are still the best congregants.
People are still mad about last year's performance. The Pita Hoppers last year turned out to not be a Jerusalem group. To everybody's chagrin, they were a local group from Jerusalem, Kansas.
 
For Memorial Day we thank our soldiers for the sales at Marshalls. 60% off.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom vYom Yerushalyim Sameach…
You're allowed to be happy, even though you're not in Jerusalem... It may be a sin. But be happy... Be happy you're sinning and don't support Israel... You're probably going to Gehenim for not living in Jerusalem. Enjoy it now...

Don't go in their ways. Go in our ways. That's the message. You've been going way too much in their ways... You know who they are. Look at the back left section of the shul... Don't follow them to the Kiddish club. Tzimi is not somebody to follow... Playing pickleball. That's their ways. Ice hockey... Jews play floor hockey... Jewish girls do play with Barbie...
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(Vayikra 26:3) 'If you go with My decrees and guard My commandments, and do them...' You don't do them... You guard nothing. This shul has been without security for years. Nobody stands near the ark... Yeah. There's anti-Semitism...
We're not talking about other... What other commandments are there? What other Mitzvot are you following? Are you following the commandments of not paying with change and Benny's Bodega?... It's a bodega. Those are rules. They called them commandments for fun. To give it a fun edge...
Yes. You have to do them too. You haven't done anything for years, Michel... Your house?! You haven't worked on it. The lawn looks disgusting...

(Vayikra 26:4) 'I will give you rain in its proper time...' First blessing is rain. If you treated your lawn...
Well why hasn't it rained in Topeka?... It's almost June, Bernie... ‘In its time.’ Do we want rain in February? No. It turns into icicles. You want another ice storm? Michel hasn’t fixed his gutters since the last one... If you were in Jerusalem, it would be raining in August... That's a curse, Rivki...
War will go well... Won't have enemies... Yes. There are a lot of blessings... You don't want it raining in the middle of a war. That kills the view. You can't get good pictures like that...

You want war? We praise our soldiers who've been out there in combat... I understand you've combated people not learning enough Torah. The Army of H' is not a real army... Let's be honest. The Army of H' takes too much credit... They did not recapture Jerusalem... Going to war with the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination) is important. Memorial Day is more for the soldiers who fight for their country and defend it... We're proud of Chaim for fighting the Yetzer Hara and telling people to not speak Lashon Hara. A real soldier… If people got shot for speaking Lashon Hara, they would stop. Now, they just try to have conversation when Chaim is not around...
It's action. 'And do them.' We have to do the Mitzvot. You listen to me talk about them... Do some of them. Honor the fallen... Bring some decent rain, for the sake of...

(Vayikra 26:14) 'But if you don't listen to Me...' Yes. Bad stuff will happen Bernie... (26:26) '...you will eat and not be sated.' Does that not sound like Kiddish last week? One bowl of tuna... For the sake of Jerusalem and our softball team, do some Mitzvot. For crying out loud...
For our soldiers. For those who gave their lives for us... At least do a Mishebeyrach... I know it costs money. You donate in their memory... Memorial Day. Blessing in memory... In respect. Even better.
There are sales… We want to thank the soldiers for that...
 
The Finkelwitzs are still the best congregants. They are not annoying. They don't come to shul. Love them...
If you do bad stuff, bad stuff happens. Do I have to repeat this message every week???

We've finished Vayikra this week... You're annoying... And a Mazel Tov to our Bat Mitzvah... And the Shalom Zachor last night...

Rivka’s Rundown
That was a real plight to do Mitzvot, so our softball team would do well this season. 
I think the families of the Shalom Zachor and the Bat Mitzvah girl's family appreciated knowing that keeping Mitzvot is important. I think the Bat Mitzvah is the reason for the curse and the bad stuff happening. It was raining on Shabbat. The reason for that we will never know.
 
The congregants wanted proof of blessing, so the rabbi had to bake and cook for everybody. When it came out bad, he blamed it on the congregants and their sinning.
 
The rabbi said that fighting the Yetzer Hara thoughts is not an action. He explained that thoughts are not actions. Tzimi was confused, as he has thought to do Mitzvot before. The Finkelwitzs did say they thought to come to shul. I know I've thought to visit sick people. The thought has crossed my mind. I think that's good enough for a blessing. I'll bring that up to the rabbi.

The rabbi made a good point, that following the rules of Target, to not purchase more than one pack of hockey cards, is not a Mitzvah. That had many of the congregants confused for the next week or so, as they said it is a commandment of Target.
It would be nice if Michel took care of his house and followed the laws of Topeka, to not have a disgusting lawn. Those are Topeka commandments.

Congregants started sitting in their Makom Kavuahs (set seats) again. They said the chart of new seats was not their Makom Kavuah, so they didn't listen to the rule.

Had hearts of palm in the salad at Kiddish. Max was so excited. He told everybody, ‘They have hearts of palm in here.’ I explained that they’ve been doing that for the last forty years. He was still excited. Never seen him so happy. He truly brought me joy to hearts of palm. Once we introduced the avocado and hearts of palm salad to Kiddish, Max told us, 'That's what I've been praying for all these years. It's a blessing. How did you do it?'
Explaining how to mix hearts of palm and avocados into a salad was not easy. It also wasn't easy explaining why this wasn't listed in Parshat Bechukotai as one of the blessings. He wanted a blessing that there will be rain, and your salads will have hearts of palm in them. The kind from the can.

People are now speaking a lot of Lashon Hara and Chaim is getting violent.